#My murder goes unsolved. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sundrop-writes · 2 months

Note

if ur taking requests then how about female reader being a bau member and is receiving unwanted attention from the local cops but she cant pick up on social cues very well so it’s extra stressful for her to naviagte

Then enter protective and somewhat jealous jj that tries to protect her and shows her what true love and respect is with soft softdom!jj

I really like this, but I like the idea of it more as a short then a full fic, so... here we go.

JJ Being Protective of You - (Jennifer Jareau x Fem!Autistic!Reader)

Warnings: some harassing behaviour from a random male cop towards the reader; the man uses condescending pet names toward the reader; JJ goes full boss mode; use of the term L/N (as in 'Last Name') to refer to the reader; she reader uses she/her pronouns; the reader experiences a small accidental injury; pre-established relationship. Idk what else. Not proofread.

Paperwork. This is where you thrived. Much like Spencer, you loved a good paper trail.

You were currently in the back room of the police station, going through their old case files, looking at every case from the last forty years that had yet to be digitised. You were looking for previous murders that matched the signature of the killer the team was currently after, since the working theory was that the UnSub had 'taken on' the work of his father or another older figure in his life.

So you had to dig through all the files of unsolved murders and see if you could find a pattern stemming back - to see if you could find more killings that this father might have committed.

It was stuffy and dusty in the file room, but you were finding it to be the kind of work that you did best - your brain churning on all cylinders as you looked through the many files for all the markers in the killings that would have aligned with his killer. You put some files aside and closed the lid on a box, and then moved to a new stack, going to take down a box from 1973 - it was rather heavy and awkward to lift, but you could manage it.

"Oh, little lady, let me help you with that,"

Suddenly, someone appeared beside you, as if out of nowhere, and a second pair of hands began tugging on the box.

"I got it." You grunted out, tugging the box back in your direction, trying to get a better grip on it.

"Trust me, doll, someone like you shouldn't be lugging this crap around on your own." The man's voice argued, becoming slightly strained - angry?

Was he frustrated because it was too heavy for him to lift? Did he feel like he had to help because you looked weak and he was frustrated because of the social obligation?

"It's fine." You assured him, tugging on it again. But - he still wouldn't let go. "I'm stronger than I look, trust me."

That was something that Emily and Derek often joked about. You had used a shovel to break a double welded chain in order to get into a basement when a child was in danger. The police had been arguing about getting a warrant and talking about how they would need heavy duty bolt cutters to get through the chain away, and you were down there in minutes - and from then on, the team all agreed not to mess with you. Especially not in an emergency.

"Sweetie, just let go of it-"

His grip slipped off the box, and it went flying in the opposite direction then, and one of the sharp corners smacked you on the head - a piercing pain went through your whole forehead and and papers came flying out of the box, spilling across the floor and fluttering everywhere.

"Oh my god, ow!" You exclaimed loudly, stepping backward, raising a hand to your forehead toward the throbbing pain. You were alarmed when you felt wetness, and you quickly drew your fingers back and saw blood.

"Oh, goodness. I'm sorry, darlin'." The man appeared in front of you, and soon, completely unprompted, he put his hands on both of your cheeks, trying to lift your head to better inspect the cut. "See, that's why you shouldn't-"

"Don't touch me!" You screamed, reaching up inside of his forearms to shove his hands off you. Your skin was crawling with a terrible, icky itch where his hands had been touching you.

He became slack-jawed with shock at this.

"There's no need to shout." He chuckled. "Calm down."

"Ugh, no!" You shouted back.

You were suddenly feeling terribly trapped in the small, stuffy, dusty room, and though you knew that the papers needed to be cleaned up and you needed to finish your fishing expedition for the trail of murders - you had to leave. You needed air.

You needed JJ.

You shoved past the man and your feet carried you as fast as you could go, frantically looking for that head of blonde hair.

"Listen, babydoll, just calm down-"

"Woah, woah, her name is not babydoll."

That voice. Your hero.

You blinked past a haze if tears you hadn't even noticed was forming, and saw the pale blue shirt and blonde hair that you knew was her - you ran to stand behind her, grabbing her hand tightly, which she gripped back, grounding you, letting you know that she was right there.

"I'm not sure what kind of slack operation you people run around here, but we are professionals. You are going to refer to her by her full title, Special Agent L/N - or you won't talk to her at all. You won't even look at her. Do you understand me?" JJ barked at him.

The pure authority dripping from her voice made you feel so utterly safe.

"Listen, m'am, I'm not sure-"

"It's not 'm'am', it's Agent." JJ corrected him, now straining through her teeth, absolutely seething. "We are here representing the FBI, trying to catch a very dangerous man to help keep your town safe. We're not just little secretaries skittering around to get you your coffee and clean up after you. Just because we're women, we're not here to wipe your ass!"

You heard a chuckle from behind you, and you thought it was Emily's voice. This was followed by a low whistle - probably Derek.

"Is that clear?" JJ finished off, daring the man to talk back to her.

The man sighed and turned around to leave, finally defeated. This is when JJ turned to you.

"Are you okay?" She asked, her voice much softer now. "Oh my god, what happened to your head?"

"There was... a box..." You mumbled quietly, still feeling shaken up.

"He hit you with a box?" JJ snapped, looking back in the direction he had walked off.

"JJ, please." You begged, quietly, squeezing her hand, directing her attention back to you.

She knew what her priority was right now.

"Come on,"

JJ walked you to the bathroom, and as she was cleaning up the cut with a damp paper towel, she was still huffing hard through her nose, the anger still pumping through her.

"I'm going to find that guy's supervisor, I'm going to put in a report about him, I'm going to-"

"It's okay, JJ." You said, reaching out to run a gentle hand along her lower back. "I'm pretty sure he's not gonna come near me again after what you said."

She let out a snort of laughter, and half her mouth upturned in a smile. You both knew that she could be incredibly intimidating despite her looks, and she always protected you - just one of the many things that had attracted you to her in the first place.

"Yeah, well... nobody comes near my girl and gets away with it."

#sundrop writes #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds #criminal minds fic #jennifer jareau #autistic reader #jennifer jareau x reader #jj x reader #jennifer jareau x you

366 notes · View notes

writersblg · 8 months

Text

how the cod characters would react to their partner being a true crime junkie

The sun was starting to set when your partner came back from training. They closed the door behind them and made their way to the living room where you were already wrapped up in a blanket. The music suggested you were watching a normal mystery show but the wholesome scenario your partner thought they found themselves in quickly crumbled as the presenter said “after taking off the skin and hanging it to dry she chopped up the body”

Simon

Unfortunately, doesn’t enjoy it as much as you do. For obvious reasons.

He’d give you the nastiest side eye and will just retreat to another room to solve a crossword or something.

Finds these shows incredibly disrespectful and really doesn’t get why you’d watch this.

ALTHOUGH he knows you’ll cuddle up beside him in the night and hide behind his big muscles (I’m deceased) so that’s kinda cute but that only adds to him not knowing why you’d watch true crime in the first place.

Soap

Watches everything with you

Will be mad if you do it on your own even if he’s on a mission

Enjoys the stories of female killers the most (if it’s out of revenge he’d cheer for them)

CONTRA he’d talk all the time about the nitty gritty of murders (basically plays the UNO reverse to Keegan; you’ll be afraid of him)

Gaz

It took a lot of time or convincing to make this happen but he now watches these shows with you.

Rarely talks; “hope they rot in hell” is all you’d get out of him.

Holds you very nicely though and gets up during commercials to get you two snacks <3.

Tells you about the super weird things that happened in his hometown when he was a kid and expects you to be normal about it.

Price

Falls asleep during the first 10 minutes

There’s nothing he hasn’t seen and no matter how brutal these attacks on the shows were he finds them tame

He won’t spoil your watching experience though and lets you lean on him if you’re getting tired

He won’t do true crime marathons with you but might compromise on watching 6h of government conspiracies or something instead

Alex

The most interesting part to him is the reasoning for the killers and silently does psycho analysis’ of them

If he has heard about the case before he’d add some information the presenter hasn’t talked about

You two just vibe

He lays on you and occasionally raises his head at particularly interesting scenes

Very much a true crime enthusiast himself

Also very much no expression on his face as they describe the attacks

Farah

SIDE EYE

Watches with you but the way she judges you for watching this is crazy

Blames it on your culture

Farah: “I can fix them”

Valeria

Sometimes laughs out of nowhere when she’s watching with you 😭 (would honestly destroy my psyche)

Loves to hear when the police messed up so badly they could’ve prevented more deaths but failed to do so

Watches the most gruesome way to attack someone and goes like “Haha I did this once.”

Gives you self defense tips according to the cases

Alejandro

Gets so invested in it

Gives you all the crime statistics if the case happened in Mexico

Randomly dropped that he knew the killer personally more than once

Happily talks about it at work the next day

Rudy

Sometimes curses in Spanish because he gets too worked up over this

Cannot watch unsolved cases; will think about it all night

Looks the cases up on the internet while the show is still on

Just deepens his perspective of there being more bad people than good people in this world

Keegan

He’s actually scared of you if you watch this without any reactions

Reminds me of that one AITA story

Accidentally told his friends he’s scared of you (but with heart eyes)

He’d watch it with you but mostly watches your reaction from a safe distance (the other end of the couch)

If you chop something in the kitchen later he’d gently take the knife from you and do it himself; you think he’s being funny but it’s just self preservation

Will still cuddle with you <3 later that night

638 notes · View notes

emo-batboy · 1 year

Text

Really imagining Bruce having like an armada of fans who both baby him and think he’s the hottest man on earth, completely devoted to him. Usually, they’re pretty quiet unless there’s another public sighting of him (rare but it happens) UNTIL the bomb goes off in his tower and everyone learns Bruce was the target and suddenly they’re like “oh no poor little meow meow :( he doesn’t deserve this” but this time: it gets Global attention

Gotham’s crime is usually like a Jersey Thing TM where people make fun of how bad the streets are “Look Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.” “But what about that shadowy place over there?” “That is Gotham. You must never go there, Simba.” It’s just that one town along the Jersey Shore that is always draped in shadows, and you can’t swim there or you’ll get cursed.

But then The Riddler happens, and it’s kinda a bit bigger than usual? Their entire political sphere is murdered?!? Unusual. Suddenly, Gotham is underwater?? National crisis! But then BRUCE WAYNE, RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD, ALMOST DIES VIA MAILED EXPLOSIVE and now shit gets serious!!!! (They don’t know about Aquaman yet. Shhh)

Some people are like “why tf do we care about this rich guy” and others are like “wait there’s someone richer than Lex Luthor?” and so the Bruce Wayne fanbase is like my time has come and they post his entire history of charitable donations all over the internet. His tragic backstory resurfaces (now featuring his mother’s, thanks Ed :/) and the “Poor Little Meow Meow Bruce Wayne” agenda goes global.

The Riddler’s video gets fact-checked, and the press concludes it’s like 90% cicrcumstantial and has nothing to do with Bruce anyway. News of Bruce Wayne paying for over 2/3 of the city’s infrastructure after the flood is put on blast. Paired with accounts saying “And also look at him. He’s hot af” and Bruce cannot catch a break.

Suddenly Bruce Wayne is The Celebrity of 2k22. Everyone wants to know his life story. He gets memed to hell and back because he’s “relatable.” Old TV specials of his parents’ unsolved murders pop up on daytime. It’s revealed that he’s been funding Gotham Pride for ten years now. That one time he was caught making out with Harvey Dent turns him into the bicon of the century.

He still refuses to speak to the press. It just makes people like him more because he’s “mysterious.” And for the first time in his life, Bruce can’t just get away with being a recluse anymore. On the bright side, this Soft, Gentle, Introverted Billionaire image that’s been thrust upon him is deterring the public from linking him and The Batman so maybe it’s a good thing??

#battinson #bruce wayne #batman #the batman 2022 #the batman #batman 2022 #battinson needs a hug

2K notes · View notes

tossawary · 4 months

Text

The 3-day trial system in "Ace Attorney" is absolutely nuts. I know the game is intentionally making fun of corrupt & dysfunctional legal systems and is also upping the pacing to create a sense of urgency & excitement, but I truly underestimated just how hysterically funny it would be to play this trial system. They have created some WILD logistical worldbuilding.

Like, someone gets murdered on Day 1. Phoenix Wright finds out about this on Day 2 and goes to talk to them. This person has less than 24 hours to find their own legal representation before a public defender is assigned to them, and Phoenix has to do his own investigating before the trial tomorrow morning. Day 3 is the first day of the trial, in which Phoenix is doing everything he can to prove innocence and somehow also solve the actual murder in the middle of court, and hopefully at least get the Judge to agree that they need another day of investigation and interrogation. There's an in-universe rule that a trial can only go for 3 days, so by Day 5, the third day of the trial, this nonsense needs to be wrapped up. The first game doesn't explicitly say that this is a death penalty system, but it's heavily implied at points, so depending on the case, Phoenix has THREE DAYS to potentially SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE.

And this is all hilariously, horribly BONKERS for Phoenix, but it's just as awful when you start getting into all the little bureaucratic details of trying to make this legal system actually work. A public defender might get a case at 5 PM for a murder trial at 10 AM the next morning?! (I know public defenders are often horribly overworked IRL. This is part of what the game is mocking.) Autopsies are being performed within, like, 12 hours of the murder?! They're getting results back from the forensics labs within 24 hours?! How much of the city budget is SPENT on law enforcement?! The overtime hours must be horrifying. No wonder things are constantly falling through the cracks; people are fucked if their defense attorneys are on vacation that day or if the witnesses aren't answering their phones that day.

And, also, like, did the courthouse not have OTHER trials scheduled for that day? Are they reserving a courtroom in this courthouse for emergency murder cases? Even if there's a 3-day limit to speed things up, it's a big city, shit happens, how are they seeing people this quickly? Are there just separate courthouses for all crimes below various degrees of murder? (Obviously, family law and small claims and minor crimes and such must be handled somewhere else, but still.) Or are people in Japanifornia getting last minute calls from the overworked scheduling people at the courthouse like, "Hi, witness for an assault trial, your testimony has been rescheduled because someone was murdered last night. This could take 1-3 days. We'll let you know." Then that poor witness is like, "Shit, I took a day off of work for this??? I have to call my boss again now. Fuck you!!!"

It's tempting to write an AA fic about a series of murders in this world, in which people are obviously being framed for these crimes but it's not clear who the real murderer is, because this is all happening to keep postponing a different trial, because murder cases apparently go to trial immediately in the AA universe as #1 priority. Someone needs this extra time to steal the evidence from the police station and frame someone else for their crime, because if this postponed trial goes to court, then a different, older, unsolved murder is sure to come to light.

This features a public defender OC who is... the most exhausted person... of all time... trying to hold the line of human rights. The burnout rate must be horrifying.

#tossawary ace attorney #fic ideas #character death #phoenix wright #long post #spoilers

202 notes · View notes

lesbianpepsi · 11 months

Text

Enid: Since I'm dating you now, can you make me a promise?

Wednesday: Of course.

Enid: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?

Wednesday: Excuse me? Do you not think I'd catch the person who murdered my love?

Enid: Nonono! Of course I think you'd solve the case or most likely wouldn't let me get murdered. But if I do, make sure it goes unsolved, even if you anonymously kill the person who killed me.

Wednesday: But why?

Enid: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved. Make sure it's Shane and Ryan whose covering it too.

#wenclair #wednesday #enid sinclair #incorrect quotes #incorrect quotes wednesday #wednesday addams x enid sinclair #wednesday x enid #wednsday addams #wednesday is soft for enid #wednesday addams & enid sinclair

653 notes · View notes

incorrect-piltover-quotes · 7 months

Text

Vi: When I get murdered, make sure my case goes unsolved.

Caitlyn: What?

Vi: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.

Caitlyn: Let's go back to the 'when I get murdered' part.

#incorrect piltover quotes #incorrect quotes #piltover's finest #league of legends vi #league of legends caitlyn #vi #caitlyn kiramman #league of legends #riot games #submission #source: tumblr

122 notes · View notes

biwarlockofglitter · 1 year

Text

I used to watch buzzfeed unsolved in the living room while I did homework or whatever and my dad specifically would kinda poke fun at me for it all “haha how’s your little murder show? Did they solve one yet?? Why do you watch it if they never solve anything?? Haha” and like a year ago I was over for dinner and he goes “I owe you an apology :(” and I went “huh??” And he said “I binge watched every episode during lockdown- those guys are funny as hell” and i just remembered that whole interaction right now and I think it’s the funniest thing

#vindication #:)#buzzfeed unsolved #shane and ryan #shane madej #ryan bergara #watcher entertainment #watcher

908 notes · View notes

travlersjoy444 · 1 year

Note

I love the incorrect quotes for Ralph and Don! Could you do Leo please? Thank you! \(^-^ )

Sure, sorry it took a bit lol

***

Leo: I can't take this anymore, someone needs to take me out!

(Y/N): In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way?

Leo: I don't know, surprise me!

***

(Y/N): This date is boring!

Leo: This isn't a date. I said I was going on patrol.

(Y/N): Then why did you invite me?

Leo: I didn't, I specifically said "don't come with me," then you said, "fuck you Leo I'll do whatever I want!

***

(Y/N): Is something burning?

Leo, leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you.

(Y/N): Leo, the toaster is literally on fire.

***

(Y/N): Are we fighting or flirting?

Leo: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-

(Y/N): Your point?

***

Leo: *eating a cinnamon roll*

(Y/N): Cannibalism.

Leo: *confused chewing noises*

***

Leo: Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine!

(Y/N): How can you still say that?

Leo: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

***

(Y/N): *makes Leo a cup of tea but puts salt in it*

Leo: *sips tea*

(Y/N):

Leo: *finishes tea*

(Y/N): Didn't it taste bad?

Leo: Yeah, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I drank it all.

(Y/N), tearing up: Oh, okay.

***

(Y/N): When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?

Leo: wHat?

(Y/N): I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.

Leo: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"?

***

(Y/N): Leo just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then they reached down and untied my shoe.

***

Leo: There’s no “I” in team, but there is one in pizza.

(Y/N): So, you’re not going to share?

Leo: I’m not going to share.

***

Donnie: Why are your tongues purple?

(Y/N): We had slushies. I had a blue one.

Leo: I had a red one.

Donnie: oh.

Donnie:

Donnie: OH.

Mikey:

Mikey: You drank each other's slushies?

***

Leo: I love you.

(Y/N): I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that.

*Leo and (Y/N) kiss passionately*

Mikey, to Raph: You owe me 20 dollars.

***

Mikey: H-how do you ask someone out?

Leo: Well, first-

(Y/N): Don't ask them, they asked me out in a McDonalds parking lot.

Mikey: ...And you said yes?

***

*playing twister*

Raph: Right hand red.

(Y/N): *ends up on top of Leo*

Leo: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

Raph: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.

***

*(Y/N) is telling a story*

Leo: Wow, (Y/N), this story has everything! Action! Adventure! Romance!

Mikey: Romance?

Leo: I have a crush on them.

***

Mikey: Guys, my friend here is bilingual.

(Y/N): Yes.

Mikey: Which means they like both boys and girls.

(Y/N): Ye- wait, what-

Leo: Mikey, that's not what bilingual means-

Mikey: Shhh, it's okay (Y/N). I still love you, man.

(Y/N) & Leo: ...

Mikey: bUT NOT LIKE THAT-

***

Donnie: I know you love them.

Leo: I am not in love with (Y/N)!

Donnie, staring at Leo: I never said who...

Leo: *realizes*

Leo: Shit. Well, anyways-

***

Raph: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Leo's birthday invitations.

(Y/N): Well, what are they supposed to say?

Raph: "Leo's birthday".

(Y/N): So, what do they say instead?

Raph: "Leo’s bi".

(Y/N):

(Y/N): Works out either way.

***

*Leo teaching Mikey to drive and taking (Y/N) along for the ride*

Leo: That's a pothole. To the left!

Mikey: Take it back now y'all *Drives into pothole*

(Y/N), sticking their face into the front over the center console: Cha Cha real smooth.

Mikey: I don't think that's how the song goes.

Leo, crying and gripping the handle: Please just take me home.

Mikey: Country Roads.

(Y/N): To the place.

Mikey and (Y/N) in unison: I Belong!

Leo, crying harder: What the fuck?

***

(Y/N): You ever see something that changes your life and you're just like "huh.."

Leo: I saw you.

(Y/N): Honestly that's so cute and sweet but it kinda makes this awkward because I was gonna show you a picture of Casey in a turkey costume.

***

Mikey: What’s it like being tall?

Mikey: Is it nice?

Mikey: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?

(Y/N): We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a small coffee table and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want.

Leo: That was one time!

***

(Y/N): It's pretty cold outside.. wanna hold hands? We should stay close.

Leo, blushing: Okay.

Raph: It's fucking summer.

***

Leo: Hi.

Mikey: Hey, did you do what I said? Did you tell them?

Leo: I did.

Mikey: And what did they say?

Leo: “Thank you.”

Mikey: You’re totally welcome. What’d they say?

Leo: They said, “Thank you.” I said “I love you” and (Y/N) said, “Thank you.”

***

Leo: This is bothering me.

(Y/N): Well, you are digging up a corpse.

Leo: No, not that. That's, uh, pretty par for the course, actually.

***

(Y/N): Please, I'm begging you to go to a doctor.

Leo: I'm sorry is this OUR stab wound? Stay out of it.

***

Leo, addressing the squad: And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box.

(Y/N): But – that’s just a trash can?

Leo: It sure is!

***

(Y/N): I learned some very valuable lessons from this.

Leo: I’m guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lessons you actually should’ve taken away.

(Y/N): Death isn’t real, and I’m basically God.

***

Leo: This is such a bad idea.

(Y/N): Then why are you coming along?

Leo: One of us needs to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong.

***

Leo: The stars are so beautiful...

(Y/N): They're just giant balls of gas.

Leo: You know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then-

(Y/N): And yet none of them are as huge as my love for you.

Leo: Oh…

***

(Y/N): I love you.

Leo, not paying attention: What was that?

(Y/N): I said I’m selling you to the zOo-

***

Leo: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?

(Y/N): Peonies, why?

Leo:

(Y/N): Were you going to get me flowers?

Leo:

(Y/N):

Leo: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

#tmnt x reader #tmnt 2012 x reader #reader insert #gender neutral reader #gn!reader #tmnt leo x reader #tmnt 2012 leo x reader #leonardo x reader #tmnt 2012 leo #2k12 leo x reader #2k12 leo

519 notes · View notes

rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos · 4 months

Text

TF2 INCORRECT QUOTES: ULTIMATE EDITION

Medic: I hate taking off my glasses, because without them, my vision goes from Full HD all the way down to buffering at 240p and I just can't handle that.

Sniper: Are you good? Spy: In what sense? Sniper: Generally. Spy: Oh, definitely not.

Scout: You think that’s cringe? Moms around the world wait 9 months just to end up naming their kid Dell. Engineer: Hey, fuck you.

Soldier: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died. Soldier: I will not yield.

Engineer: Still not over how yesterday when my flight landed, our pilot said we arrived 50 minutes early because they took some "shortcuts". Engineer: Excuse me, we were in the sky, what do you mean???

Spy: Okay, who's turn is it to give the pep talk? Medic: It's Soldier's turn. Soldier: Don't die. Medic, wiping a tear away: Truly inspirational.

Scout: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends. Pyro, Muffled: … Your what? Scout: My friends. Engineer: Are they saying “friends”? Heavy: I think they're being sarcastic. Soldier: No, no, no, this is delirium, they've cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Scout! All of your friends are in this room.

Heavy: If I say I love you, will you say it back? Medic: Yes. Heavy: I love you. Medic: It back. Later Scout: Why is Heavy crying face-down on the floor?

Demoman: What happened to Soldier? Engineer: They died. Demoman: They what? Engineer: They died, but they’re okay. Demoman: …Can you please clarify? Soldier: Clarification is for the weak.

Engineer: Medic, Heavy, I love y’all and all, but can I ask what in the hell are you doing? Medic, trying to stabilize a tower of folding chairs that Heavy is sitting atop: Oh nothing much. Heavy: I love you too :)

Engineer: Caffeine no longer keeps me awake while I work, so instead I have Medic periodically send me texts saying ‘we need to talk.’ Engineer: It gives me the right amount of adrenaline and fear I need to keep going.

Medic: tapping fingers on table Soldier: taps fingers back furiously Sniper: …What’s going on? Scout: Morse code. They’re talking. Medic: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … - Soldier: slams hands on table YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Soldier, to Demoman: Why is Scout not talking? Demoman: I'm playing the silent game with them. Soldier: Well, then you just lost. Demoman: I lost two hours ago. I gave them ear plugs and told them to close their eyes. It was the only way I could think of to get them to shut up.

Spy: casually taking four stairs at a time Sniper, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-

Engineer: Here are two pictures. One of them is your bedroom, and the other is a garbage dumpster. Can you tell which is which? Scout: Scout: This one is the dumpster. Engineer: They’re both your bedroom.

Engineer: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire. Medic: But what if something else happens just this one time. -Pyro giggling in the background-

Demoman: I’m having salad for dinner! Engineer: Demoman: Well, fruit salad. Demoman: Actually, it’s mostly grapes. Engineer: Demoman: Okay, it’s all grapes. Demoman: Fermented grapes. Engineer: Demoman: Engineer: Demoman: It’s wine. Demoman: I’m having wine for dinner.

Medic: Truth or dare? Soldier: Truth! Medic: Do you- Engineer: I dare you to kiss me. Soldier: kisses Engineer Medic, to Heavy: They said “truth”, right?

Scout: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case? Sniper: wHat? Scout: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved. Sniper: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"?

Heavy: Where’s Soldier? Spy: Around. Heavy: Around? Heavy: You don’t have any idea, do you? Soldier, dropping down from above: Did you know there’s a space above the ceiling?

Soldier: Do you think I’m ugly? Engineer: It’s not about looks, Soldier. What’s valuable is on the inside… Soldier: Engineer… Engineer: For example, someone's heart. Soldier: Aw… Stop it- Engineer: It could be purchased for more than a million dollars, you know. Soldier: Seriously, stop.

Demoman: In alcohol’s defense, I’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

Sniper: How many children do you have? Spy: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference.

Demoman: What are your adjectives? Spy: …You mean my pronouns? Demoman: No, I know what your pronouns are! What are your adjectives? Spy: …I dunno. What are yours? Demoman: Noisy and chaotic! Spy: I’ve never had something go from making no sense to making complete sense so quickly.

Heavy: Unpopular opinion, not all dogs are good boys. Soldier: Blocked. Heavy: Sometimes, they’re good girls! Soldier: UNBLOCKED!

Soldier: I’ve been here in jail so long I think I’ve lost my mind. Soldier: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months. Soldier: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year? Medic: This is Monopoly.

Spy: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Sniper's birthday invitations. Soldier: Well, what are they supposed to say? Spy: "Sniper's birthday". Soldier: So, what do they say instead? Spy: "Sniper’s bi". Soldier: Soldier: Works out either way.

Demoman, clearly drunk: Spy, hit me another drink… wooOO HOOoo… Spy: I think you need a therapist and not a bottle. Demoman: I think yooOOoou need to shuUT YOUR MOUTH! Medic: Spy isn’t answering my messages. Sniper: Allow me. Medic: I tried 6 times, what makes you thi- Spy: replying to message Hello.

Soldier: I think it’s time I get my life in order. Engineer, narrating: But they did not get their life in order. In fact, they got drunk last night and befriended a raccoon. Scout: Sniper! This soup is flaccid! Sniper: LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN?! Medic, on a random band name generator: Oooo! They Might Be Depressed Horses! That about sums up my friend group. Scout: Helpful grammar tip: “farther” is for physical distance, “further” is for metaphorical distance, and “father” is for emotional distance! Demoman: My favorite part about Megamind is that he literally grew up on Earth around humans but is still confused about human culture and etiquette. Zhanna: So did I. He's not special. Engineer: Guys where did Scout go? Medic: They got arrested. Engineer: How the hell- Scout: *bursts in through the window* The cops are after me, I thought it would be fun to steal crackers and throw them at people. Miss Pauling: Soldier, we tried things your way. Soldier: No, we didn't. Miss Pauling: I did it in my head and it didn't work.

Demoman: I like your top, Sniper! Spy: I have a name, you know. Sniper: Sighs Why. Why are you like this? Demoman: How do you tell someone that you wanna have sex with them in a polite way? Sniper: Excuse me Lovely. Would you give me the honor of indulging in sexual activities with you? Miss Pauling: What the fuck is wrong with you two? Heavy: Is the Grinch his name, ethnicity, or job? Scout: It's a slur. Scout: *in a jail cell* What about my Miranda rights!? You’re supposed to say I have ‘the right to remain silent’”! NOBODY SAID I HAD THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT! Engineer: *in the cell next to them* You have the right to remain silent, what you lack is the capacity. Pyro, Muffled: Do you know the ABCs of first aid? Sniper: A. Bone. Coming out of the skin is very bad. Engineer: Engineer? Yeah, I'm enginEERING MY FUCKIN' LIMIT! Soldier: Heavy has no idea I’m high. Heavy: You’re high? Soldier: Oh, I’m sorry. Soldier, leaning over to Medic: Heavy has no idea I’m high.

Zhanna: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming? Spy: Can everyone in this godforsaken group please learn the skill called "Think Before You Speak"? Heavy: Ya know... it might be. Engineer: The smell of Home Depot is cathartic... Fairies live in the lights and chandeliers section, gnomes live in the outdoor gardening department... Spy: Stop romanticizing Home Depot. Engineer: Pixies live in the paint aisle. Fuck you. Engineer: Oh, fiddlesticks. Sniper: Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language. Engineer: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them? Sniper: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them. Engineer: Okay yeah thanks Sniper, that's great but WHERE'S THE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT? Applebee's Waiter: What would you like to order? Pyro: I'll take the apple. Applebee's Waiter: We don't actually sell apples. Pyro, visibly frightened: Okay then... I'll have the bees... Medic: Make her pussy wet, not her eyes. Spy: Make his dick hard, not his life. Scout: Break her bed, not her heart. Pyro, Muffled: Play with her boobs, not her feelings. Sniper: Get on his dick, not his nerves. Soldier: Always salt your pasta while boiling it.

Scout: Which country has the most birds? Scout: Portu-geese! Engineer: That's a language. Scout: Portu-gull? Engineer: Good recovery. Medic: I think you mean good re-dovery. Spy: TURKEY. HOW DID WE MISS TURKEY? Zhanna: Okay, if we can't do it by sheer force, we'll do it my way. Spy: But your way is sheer force! Scout: Pokemon is trying to slowly convince us Pikachu was always fluffy and I for one accept this future. Heavy: Did you think the mouse was just smooth and had yellow skin like a little simpsons demon?? Scout: Scout: Maybe. Demoman: What are you drinking? Engineer: Vodka. Demoman: Straight? Engineer: No, gay. Why? Soldier: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked* Engineer: What did you do?! Soldier: NOBODY DIED! UNFORTUNATELY! Engineer: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Pyro, trying to comfort Sniper: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there. Sniper: But MuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuum... Medic: Can someone translate this? I don't know Australian. Scout: I'll do my best. Ahem. AY YO MA. Scout: Yum, thanks! Kidnapper: *puts more tape over their mouth* I said stop eating it. Medic, barging in: Syphilis! Engineer: Medic: Engineer: Pardon? Zhanna: I have no respect for this Santa character. Don’t sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man. Engineer: You can't wake up if you never got to sleep. Sniper: Scout, remember when you said you weren’t going to interfere with my love life? Scout: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all. Engineer: I have a problem. Soldier: Kill it. Engineer: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

Zhanna: Are you okay? Heavy, crying: Yeah, it was just the onions. Zhanna: Picks up an onion What the fuck did you say to my brother? Sniper: Our relationship is strictly professional. Spy, sitting on Sniper’s lap: Absolutely. Only on business. Pyro: Do you ever think? Because I do not. Soldier: Screw lactose intolerance! I will consume as much dairy as I want! Soldier 2 hours later, crying on the floor: WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?! Heavy, to Engineer: If Scout doesn't say "I'm King of the world" within an hour on that boat, I will give you my next pay check. Scout, within 5 minutes of getting on the boat: I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!! Zhanna: You know, I used to play back in my gory days. Demoman: You mean glory days? Zhanna: Ah, that too. Medic: Heavy, do you love me? Heavy: Of course I do! Medic: Would you still love me if I did something bad? Heavy: Well, of course I… would… Medic: I mean something really, really— Heavy: Medic, what did you do?

Engineer: Come on, Spy. Nobody actually believes that Soldier is in love with me. Spy, to The Squad: Raise your hand if you think that Soldier is helplessly in love with Engineer. Everyone raises their hand Engineer: Soldier, put your hand down. Pyro, Muffled: Dude, we can get mythical animals! Maybe I’ll get a penguin! Medic: Penguins are real. Pyro, Muffled: That’s the spirit, Medic! They’re real to me too! Miss Pauling: double checking supplies in the boat Compass. CB radio. Sunscreen. Pyro, Muffled: Hot dog costumes! Miss Pauling: I’m sorry, what? Pyro, Muffled: You know, in case we get lost at sea, and one of us, probably Soldier, goes mad with hunger, we’ll put these on. Soldier hates hot dogs, so they probably won’t eat us. Miss Pauling: Are you saying that Soldier would rather eat us than hot dogs? Soldier: I do hate hot dogs. Demoman: So, how long have you and Engineer been together? Soldier: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Engineer and I are not together. No. No. Demoman: Really? Sixteen ‘nos’? Really? Scout: I bet you can’t make a sentence without the letter “A”! Engineer: You thought you just did something there, didn’t you? Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but numerous sentences could be constructed without employing the first letter of the English lexicon. Demoman: Fuck you. Heavy: Uh, Engineer? Demoman is in the pool and I don't think they're waterproof. Engineer: What? Zhanna: I think they meant, Demoman is drowning. Engineer: WHAT?! Meanwhile Demoman: is drowning Miss Pauling: OH MY GOD, DEMOMAN! KEEP SWIMMING! Demoman: I can't swim, dumbass— sinks Miss Pauling: DEMOMAN!

Sniper: is hugging Engineer Zhanna: Hey! It's my turn to hug Engineer! Zhanna: grabs Engineer Demoman: kicking down the door What do you mean, "yOuR tUrN"? We agreed now is my time slot! Sniper: No, It's still my turn! Engineer: suffocating Guys, I love you, but just because I'm the smallest doesn't mean you can be huggin' me constantly! Zhanna: But we need the moral support! Sniper: And you're small! Which is cute! Demoman: If I don't hug you right now I think the depression will kick in and my body will stop functioning. Engineer: close to tears Well- I, I guess. Miss Pauling: Well, you know what they say: Can’t bake a pie without losing a dozen men! Pyro: No problemo! Pyro, internally: But it was all problemo. Miss Pauling: Are you sure this is safe? Soldier: Safer than Flintstone vitamin gummies in a bottle. Soldier: Keep twisting, junior! All you’re gonna get is clicks. Scout: I'd roast you, but my mom says I can't burn trash. Scout: slow-mo walks out of the room

AND ON THAT NOTE, YOU'VE {somehow} REACHED THE END OF THIS ATROCITY!

#AUHGGG #tf2 #tf2 sniper #tf2 scout #tf2 soldier #tf2 zhanna #tf2 medic #tf2 pyro #tf2 spy #tf2 engineer #tf2 demoman #tf2 heavy #tf2 miss pauling #IT #IT'S OVER #rubin report

52 notes · View notes

relax-and-read-on · 1 year

Text

I finished my session!!! To celebrate....

Primarch, and what they would have written in my literary creation class

(yes this is highly specific, no idc)

Lion: minimalist poetry done so that no one can say that he didn't do the assignment. There is 109 words spread on 8 pages. One of said page literally just say "I am Myself."

Mortarion: write a short story about a lil robot being basically condemn to die by an evil all powerful ai. Everyone miss the metaphor and start arguing about who the narrator is.

Roboute: Report a series of incidents of people seeing a black monolith ovni in the shape of Ohio, of all thing. Actually based of a real incident

Horus: Explain how many daddy issues he has. Pretty funny text, the 3 way in the middle of it was highly unnecessary.

Ferrus: the worst scifi short story of all time. Zero talent. One sentence goes on for 11 lines. Get called out for making a teluric planet the size of a gaseous one and walk out.

Fulgrim: poorly hidden self insert recounting his sexual exploit. Has the most graphic scene ever involving masturbation and a vacuum. Read it out loud to all.

Rogal: Describe a trip he took once. It's 8 pages long of beach descriptions. Seem to have a slightly weird obsession with crabs, and describe in great detail the battle between two.

Angron: write a scene where he basically explain how he day dream of a murder plot against an old colleague. Suspiciously well written, will avoid the police.

Sanguinius: a 3 part non-linear story about live, loss and death, beautifully written, that hint at a secret. Forgot to put the big reveal in the fucking final text.

Perturabo: write a story about childhood trauma and daddy issues. Violently infodump on everyone. Someone ask if the "I" instead of "he" in the middle of the text was voluntary. Refuse to answer. ,

Jaghatai: Write a long form prose poem that turn out to be the lyric to an instrumental only piece. Said piece is 6 minute long. He insist to play it in full for class.

Konrad: Write a self insert isekai fanfiction into Age of Sigmar. Surprisingly violent and sexual. Terribly written. Will probably become a succesful YA author.

Leman: Write an essay about his dog and how much he love him. It's actually quite touching. Even put cute pics of his dig at the end.

Alpharius Omegon: wrote a fake wikipedia page about a species of carnivorous lamppost walking around and eating people.

Corvus: Write a poem so completely confusing, there is a 20 minute debate on the subject. Ideas are: Death, sexual assault, prostitution, religious cults or drogues. The poem was actually about autumn and migratory birds.

Lorgar: write an in dept essay about the history of the first Rabbi in town. Somehow trackdown the surviving family member for an email interview. Completely bust the page count.

Vulkan: a very cute memory piece about being born in a large family and the hardship of it. Casually mention an unsolved murder. Everyone is disturbed.

Magnus: that 25 pages, 3 part essay/poem/experimental narrative text on the myth of the minotaur, feminism and the importance of myth. It was borderline unreadable.

309 notes · View notes