#I’m tired and I’m broke and I can’t afford to not have a job | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

auras-moonstone · 10 months

Note

hiii, I really really love all your job so much !!and I have a little request (you can obviously say no), can you do something with Ethan and "bad idea right?", I have this song on repeat and I need to see it with Ethan please

I hope you have a great day and I really love all that you do 💗💗💗

hi!! of course you can send song requests! i love olivia🥺

bad idea, right? — ethan landry

word count: 700

pairing: ethan landry x fem!reader

based on: bad idea, right? by olivia rodrigo

Y/N AND ETHAN’S RELATIONSHIP LASTED FOR AROUND SIX MONTHS. With Ethan so focused on college and Y/N having to work to afford her studies and also having to do exams and assignments, their little bubble just bursted and they decided to end it after those short but unforgettable months. They loved each other very much, which is why they knew it was for the best, because holding onto a relationship they couldn’t afford to be invested in 100% was very selfish.

And as much as they wanted to, they knew they could never go back to being just friends. It would be too painful. So, they stopped talking to each other… until that night at the dive bar.

Y/N was sitting on a table, beer on her hand as she listened with very little attention to the conversation her friends were having. She was so exhausted from work that she swore she could pass out at any moment, and the dimly lit setting didn’t help at all.

But then, she received a text that made her be fully awake. She stared at his name with eyes wide open, and traced the notification bubble with her fingertip, not bearing to read the text, she just stared at his contact name.

eth🤓💖

hey…

i know this random but i’m alone rn and i can’t seem to get you off my mind

would you like to come over? if you’re not busy

my new address is xxx xxx :)

it’s okay if you don’t want to, i understand… anyways, let me know ❤️

I’m alone. Can’t get you off my mind. Come over. Well, he certainly wasn’t inviting her to play a game—at least not one that didn’t involve her being on her knees as he grabbed her hair from behind, and make her roll her eyes in pleasure so hard it hurt.

Ethan’s face crossed her mind, and she thought about what she should do. She should probably not go. She shouldn’t meet him that night, it’s a bad idea, right? But her mind didn’t function well when it came to Ethan Landry. She knew she was his ex, but couldn’t people reconnect? Only one night and then she would erase him from her mind—god, she knew that was the biggest lie she’d ever said.

She grabbed her car keys, her purse and stood up, gaining the attention of her friends. “I’m tired, I want to sleep” In Ethan’s bed. Without further explanation, Y/N got into her car, wrecking all the plans she’d made with her friends.

y/n/n 👼🏻🫶🏻

be there in ten.

eth🤓💖

second floor

waiting for you

And he was. Y/N pulled up in his apartment and got into the elevator, pressing the button to the second floor. When she got out, she saw Ethan waiting for her by the door, boyish grin on his face—the one that always made Y/N want to drop onto her knees and make him scream her name until his voice broke.

She stood in front of Ethan, he was even taller than before, and he was towering over her. The boy looked so fucking hot that her brain could even mutter the word ‘hi’. So, instead of talking, Y/N grabbed him by the collar and smashed her lips against his with such ferocity and need that Ethan almost collapsed to the floor.

“So hot when you go straight to the point” he said in between kisses. They were moving, but Y/N didn’t know where to and she honestly didn’t care. He could fuck her in any corner of the apartment and it’d be fine. But then she tripped and felt the soft mattress under her.

“Upgraded your bed, I see” she panted as her hands traveled his hard chest, fire in her eyes.

Ethan nodded “Just got it, was wondering if you could give me a review of it.” he pressed sweet kisses to the valley of her breasts.

“Let’s get to work, then. Lay down.” Y/N ordered, and he obeyed in no time.

He watched her get rid of her shirt and bra, and he was so glad she accepted the invitation. “I missed you.”

“Me too, but let’s talk later. Right now, I want to feel you again. It’s been way too long.”

#ethan landry #ethanlandry #ethan landry fluff #ethan landry drabble #ethan landry fic #ethan landry oneshot #ethan landry x y/n #ethan landry x you #ethan landry x reader #ethan landry smut #jack champion #jack champion x reader #jack champion x y/n #jack champion oneshot #jack champion imagine #jack champion fluff #jackchampion

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kimi-twstheadcanons · 1 year

Text

Falling Asleep in their Class

(Featuring Sam)

-Headcanon

Pronouns: They/them

Note: Platonic friendships here! I’m tired from all nighters for assignments and I got new classes a while ago so I thought I’d write this for fun. I literally got called out in math by my teacher for dozing off. She wasn’t mean about it tho. :)

He’s offended. Are his classes simply too boring for you? Or do you just not care about these very important lessons? Either way, he finds it very insulting that you had the audacity to show up in his classroom just to sleep and not pay attention

He’s aware that his classes are more active compared to most other classes run by Mr. Trein, so others tend to stay awake

But you? You’re usually more up and focused compared to the others. He had assumed it’s because your learning things that you wouldn’t have learned in your world. Now that you’re falling asleep, are his lessons not as exciting for you anymore?

“Hold it right there, Pup. I need to have a word with you. Ace, Deuce, Grim, you three are excused.” He’d stop you before you walk out the door

Welp, you’re dead

“Pup, you’ve been falling sleep recently. You’re notes have been sloppy and you’ve been participating less than usual.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Crewel, but the Headmaster has me running around and doing jobs for him across campus. Then Grim broke something in the Octavinelle again so I had to work to fix it because I can’t afford to pay for it and-“

“Stop!” He cuts you off. You were expecting a scolding and held your head low

“The Octavinelle incident; I can understand. But you’re telling me that Crowley has been sending you out to do his jobs? That’s ridiculous! I can’t believe he’d have you do that while you’re doing so much already!” He raged

“Oh, you simply must get more sleep, pup. If you keep doing this late night routine you’ll ruin that pretty face of yours. On top of that, it’s not good for your health. Alright, here’s what we’re going to do,” He said sympathetically

You were surprised. You thought he’d be mad at you for making excuses. But instead he immediately believed you and took your side

He ended up letting you take your time to catch up on assignments and offered to help you with anything you need that may keep you up at night. He, of course, knows you have to magic. You have him as your homeroom teacher after all

He sees how hard you work and he just wants to help as much as he can since you have so much on your shoulders already

You got your sleep schedule back and now you’re doing better in class. You’re back to your normal self and that’s all he ever wanted. From now on you ask for his help more often if you know it affects you and he puts up no fuss

He won’t tell you, but he’s only doing so more than he needs to because you’re his favorite pup- erm…student

He’s actually pretty surprised. He hadn’t expected you of all people to fall asleep to his history lessons. You had seemed so invested when you got to NRC, he thought you’d at least last until next year

But then he started to realize that you dozing off wasn’t patterned like the others. While others tended to stay awake during interesting or new topics, you fell asleep all throughout and even for your favorite topics

That’s when he realized that you would even walk into the room tired and you had eye bags under your eyes. He wondered what could possibly keep you up so long or what would stress out your mind enough to keep you up

“Halt, (L/n). I’d like to have a word with you.”

You thought for sure you were dead

“Don’t think I haven’t taken notice of you dozing off. Care to explain your reasoning as to why?”

“I’m so sorry I’ve been sleeping through class this week, Mr. Trein! Headmaster Crowley gave me jobs and errands to run. He gave me time limits with those as well. Then something happened with Grim so I had to help with that. Then I had a late study session with Kalim and Jamil. But I was working late at the Mostro Lounge for some extra cash and-“

“Enough! Enough, I’ve heard enough.”

Oh, you are definitely sure you are dead

“I cannot believe the Headmaster would put so much on your shoulders! How irresponsible of him to not take into account that you aren’t like the other students and require much more time and attention?”

Huh?

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle everything. Including the extra cash. I don’t want you hanging around those Octavinelle students more than you already do. From now on if there is any issue that will halt your ability to learn please come to me. Understood?”

…well that was an unexpected response. But you nod and quietly agree nonetheless. You didn’t have the energy to retaliate so you just agreed. He excused you for the rest of the day saying he will tell explain you situation to the other classes. He also gave you more time to finish assignments for you to get more rest

He then proceeded to send Crowley a very detailed message complaining that he should stop putting so many responsibilities on you since you’ve already got so much on your plate. He also told Crowley that is he’s going to have you run around and least pay you a decent amount of money to live off of instead of having you work for at the Mostro Lounge for extra cash. He was livid to say the least

He’s mad! But slightly impressed? Out of all the rookies he teaches, your one of the ones he actually admires. You don’t have any magic, you’re not even from that world, and you have never even seen a flying broom in person your first day there so your achievements in his class were very astonishing

Even on days we’re you were least active, you never actually fell sleep, however. That was new to him

He didn’t notice anything was wrong because he was keeping his eyes on another student. He found out you had fallen asleep when your broom had drifted off and slowly bumped into him…with you sleeping on it!

Again, he’s impressed. But so mad that you thought it was appropriate for you to be slacking off!

He was prepared to yell at you to wake you up, but a closer look on your face showed that you weren’t just sleeping from boredom; you were exhausted. Like you had dark eye bags type of exhausted

That’s when he decided to shake your shoulder to wake you up. Not hard but just enough for you to feel it. If you fell asleep mid air and began drifting off, he wasn’t sure how much you could sleep through at this point. He wouldn’t be surprised if you had slept through the whole class adrift on your broom

Luckily him shaking your shoulder did the trick. You blinked and looked around, only to jump up and fall off your broom when you realized you where in front of your teacher

“(L/N)! What’s going on with you? You know how I feel about slackers!”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Vargas. I didn’t get enough sleep the past few days because I’ve been catching up on assignments for other classes.”

“So you spend you time sleeping in my class instead?”

“NO NO! I don’t mean to, I promise. I’ve just been running around for the headmaster and doing side jobs for extra cash. That’s why I’ve been working late for assignments! I’ve been trying to catch up.” You explain as best you can.

Vargas pauses and thinks for a moment. You, in your mind, come to the conclusion that you are in big trouble

“Go to the nurses office. Take a nap, go to your next class after the bell, and email me when/if you have to make up your missing work outs.”

…what now?

You take a moment to process what he just said. That was nowhere near the reaction you thought you’d get. Nevertheless you follow it anyway

Unlike the others Vargas isn’t on Crowley’s butt about it but he does have some complaints. He’d appreciate if Crowley wouldn’t drive his students to exhaustion before their PE classes, that’s all

(You may or may not also secretly be his favorite but he doesn’t really think about it much)

He literally caught you taking a nap outside his shop. You weren’t working for him today or anything. He just needed to make a trip to the main building and saw that you had fallen asleep in front of his shop. He’s impressed at how you’re so comfortable around his Mystery Shop

He approaches you carefully and gently wakes you up by shaking your shoulder. It took a minute but he eventually got you to open your eyes

You jolt awake after realizing where you were and what you were doing. You felt embarrassed but also concerned as how you thought that was a good idea

Sam wasn’t stressing over it. In fact, he just giggled and helped you up from the ground. He couldn’t help but wonder why you fell asleep in such an odd area

“Hey there, Little Imp! How’d you end up sleeping out here? You must have been pretty exhausted for you to doze off under my tree here.”

“Sorry, Sam, I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. I guess I just dozed off thinking this was a good spot. …now I see it wasn’t.”

Sam just smiles and gently laughs it all off to show you’re not in any sort of trouble

“It’s alright, Little Imp. What made you so tired in the first place, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I’ve just been running around doing a lot recently. Working at the Mostro Lounge to get extra change, helping Ace and Deuce study late, cleaning up the whole dorm, not to mention I’ve been running errands for the Headmaster for a whole week.”

Sam paused at that last bit. Everything else made sense but that last part got him thinking

“You’ve been running around for the headmaster? He doesn’t pay you?”

“He does! …just not enough to keep food on the table for more than 3 days a week. I use what he gives me to buy Grim his tuna.”

“And that’s why you’ve been working at the Mostro Lounge? Wow, that’s dedication. Let me guess; you fell asleep while waiting for me to get back so you can continue those errands he gave you?”

You nod

“Well, come with me then. I’ll get you what you need. And I’ll give you some food for you and Grim too. On the house.”

“Oh no, Sam! I can pay don’t worry about it!”

“No no, I insist. I’ll also get my friends on the other side to talk to Crowley for you. Now come on in, before it gets cold!”

Then ever since that chat Sam has been leaving small baskets of food on your door step every time you needed it. You’re not sure how he knows each time but you’re thankful nonetheless. And if you insist he allows you to work at the shop too.

You’re not sure how he did it but whatever he did got Crowley to pay you more. You’re grateful for him being such a good friend. He also allows you to fall asleep under the tree in front of his Mystery Shop any time you want

#twst #twisted wonderland #twst disney #twisted wonderland headcanons #twisted wonderland divus crewel #twisted wonderland mozus trein #twisted wonderland ashton vargas #twisted wonderland sam #twst crewel #twst trein #twst vargas #twst sam #Divus Crewel #Mozus Trein #Ashton Vargas #Sam

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medusapelagia · 6 months

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Harringrove Kinktober Day 30: Dirty talking

Rating: Explicit Relationship: Steve Harrington/Billy Hargrove WT: porn without plot, collaring (maybe), dirty talks, verbal humiliation, vague mention to attempted noncon, homophobic language, mild degradation WC: 1586

Billy sighs and sits on the couch he and Steve have bought from the thrift store. It’s an awful orange but it’s comfy and big enough to be used for an adult to sleep (who is usually Eddie or Billy himself) that's why they bought it in the first place and then put it in the middle of their little living room.

Fuck.

He is still dirty from grease and oil from work and Steve will scold him as soon as he will see him, but he is so fucking tired that he doesn’t give a shit.

It doesn’t matter if he is the more experienced mechanic at work, they always look at him with disdain since Steve brought him lunch at work one day and they kissed, thinking that no one was seeing them.

Billy quickly found out that they weren’t as lonely as he thought and even if no one dared to call him a fairy after he broke Jackson’s nose, everyone started to treat him differently and give him the shittiest job.

Not that Billy could really complain, even if their apartment is small and in the worst neighborhood, they barely made enough to afford it so he can’t put up a fight and risk losing a certain income.

Fuck them.

Fuck them all.

“You ok?”

Billy turns toward Steve, who has entered the living room with two bags full of groceries and Billy hasn’t even noticed.

“Long day.” he tells him, without going into details.

Steve nods and says nothing about the fact that he hasn’t even showered and he is sitting on their couch with his work clothes on.

“You ok?” Billy asks back and Steve nods, while putting away the groceries but doesn’t look at him, so Billy gets up and turns Steve’s face until they are looking at each other in the eyes “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me, pretty boy.” Billy scolds him, moving his thumb against Steve’s lower lip “You know that I don’t like it.”

“I’m fine, I swear.”

Billy gets closer, nuzzling his neck “Where have you been?”

“To the grocery store?”

“Liar. You smell of alcohol and cologne. Where have you been?”

Have you cheated on me? That’s the true question that Billy would like to ask, because deep down he knows that he is not enough for anyone, especially for someone like Steve.

“We went to have a couple of drinks. The guys and I.”

The guys. Steve’s teammate. Billy still can’t believe that Steve turned down a complete scholarship to live with him in their cheap apartment.

“Did you have fun? Did you meet someone?”

“Fuck you. You know I wouldn’t do something like that, do you?” Steve growls.

“Do I know?” Billy asks him with a smirk, grabbing Steve’s hair and making him expose his neck even more.

“Did you cheat on me? That’s what happened? Are you a little slut? Eager to get in everyone's pants?”

“Fuck you.” Steve repeats, his cheeks red with embarrassment and anger.

“Oh I will, but thank you for proposing.” Billy grins, dragging Steve toward the couch with no grace; Steve almost bounces on the couch, such is the force that Billy uses to shove him.

“What the fuck do you think you are doing?” But Billy is already straddling him, licking his face like a big dog and grinding on him, sending sparkles in their veins when their dicks collide.

“Billy?!” Steve asks, confused and aroused, but Billy doesn’t stop, he keeps licking, kissing, and biting every inch of Steve’s skin, he wants to mark him as his property, no one should ever get closer to him, he wants everyone to knows that Steve is already fully taken, that there is someone that is not scared to leave love bites on his skin.

“Billy…” Steve tries to protest, but his objections are weak and full of moaning.

“I want to mark you up, baby. I want everyone to know that you are mine. That I’m the only one allowed to do this.” with that he lowers himself, opens Steve’s pants, and laps at Steve’s dick teasing him.

“Fuck… Billy…”

Steve is a moaning mess under him by the time Billy finally takes him into the hot velvet of his mouth,

Steve tries to thrust into his mouth, but Billy’s tight grip on his hips makes it difficult so he has to accept that he has no control and all he can do is take what Billy is willing to give him.

Billy feels Steve’s muscles dart under his expert tongue, so he frees his dick with a loud pop, and Steve glares at him offended.

“What? You don’t want me to think that you are an eager slut, do you?”

But Steve at this moment feels exactly like an eager slut.

“Did you lose your words, pretty boy? Too many thoughts in that silly head of yours? Or maybe there is just one thought, uh?”

Steve nods “Come. Let me come. Please.”

Billy smirks “I love it when you beg, baby. Can you beg a little more for me?”

Steve will do whatever Billy asks him to so he starts a litany of prayers that are like music for Billy’s ear.

“So pretty. And you are mine. Tell me that you are my little slut.” he asks Steve, removing his pants and his underwear.

“I’m yours.”

“My what?”

“I… I’m your little slut.”

Billy grins and then puts his own fingers into his mouth, licking them until they are covered in spit, then he starts to circle Steve’s rim.

“Billy…” the boy begs him while Billy bends Steve’s legs toward his chest and Steve quickly grabs them, holding himself spread and open for his boyfriend.

“Billy…”

“My little slut…” he whispers again on his skin, penetrating him with a finger.

Steve jolts at the intrusion, but quickly accepts it and starts to push against Billy’s hand harder and harder.

“Tsk, you really are a slut. Should I leave you some money after I fuck you stupid? That’s what you are looking for?”

Steve shakes his head.

“No, what? Are you not a slut?”

“Only for you."

And damn if it doesn’t get exactly to the center of Billy's cold heart.

“I’m going to fuck you so good, baby.” he whispers on Steve's skin, then he spits on Steve’s hole and his dick before starting to thrust inside him slower but relentlessly until he bottoms out and his balls collide with Steve’s ass.

“So full…” Steve moans.

“Yeah? Is it nice?”

Steve nods, unable to talk and Billy starts to gently move in a rocking motion until Steve starts to beg for more.

“Harder. Harder.” he begs and Billy can’t really deny him anything when he is like that so he gives him what he asked for, latching on his neck like a vampire leaving dark blue hickeys around his neck.

“Mine…” he growls in his ears, before biting it playfully “All mine…” he whispers.

“All yours… your little slut.”

And the admission makes Billy come so hard inside Steve that he almost collapses against the other boy.

“My little slut…” he whispers in awe while he tries to regain his breath.

Steve lowers his legs and hugs him While Billy is still deep inside him holding him tight against his chest and letting the fast rhythm of his heartbeat be a lullaby in Billy’s ear.

“Now would you like to tell me what happened?”

“Why do you smell like alcohol and cologne?”

Steve sighs “I told you. I had a drink with the boys.” but that’s not the entire story, Billy can tell.

“What else?”

“Tommy… he… tried something.”

Fucking Hagan, always snooping around his boy “What kind of something?”

“Nothing you have to worry about. I handled it.”

“Steve. What kind of something?”

“He tried to kiss me, ok? So I poured my whisky on his stupid head and some of the drink spilled on me and I tried to hide the smell with some cologne. Not that it worked in any case.”

“I’ll fucking kill him.”

Steve chuckles “No, baby, you will not try to kill the son of the rector of the institute.”

“He can’t do what the hell he wants to do only because he thinks he is entitled to it!”

“And he will not. I’m not a damsel in distress, did you forget that?”

Billy did not. Steve is strong and fierce but he can’t hide his sorrow at the thought of someone like Tommy Hagan putting his dirty paws on Steve’s beautiful skin.

“You know what? I’ll put a fucking collar on you, with a tag that says owned by Billy Hargrove.”

“Oh, yeah, that will be absolutely a normal thing to wear in class.” Steve chuckles, but Billy is even more determined to mark him as his so he keeps leaving hickeys on Steve’s golden skin and when he finally feels satisfied Steve’s neck has a necklace of hickeys.

“You are a fucking beast.”

“And you are mine. My little slut.” he tells him, finally moving away, but Steve grabs his arm, kissing him deeply and whispering on his skin “Your little slut. Only yours. Forever.”

#hgkinktober2k23 #tumblr prompt #billy hargrove #steve harrington #billy x steve #harringrove #stranger things fanfic #stranger things #NotSFW #my fanfic #tumblr fic #day 30: Collaring/Dirty talks #medusapelagia

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ifancyharry · 2 years

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Untitled 01

I was feeling kind of sad and decided to write this. I don't even know what this is, I'm sorry if it's kind of messed up and upsetting.

MAJOR TW: mentions of eating disorder, panic and anxiety. Angst

“So you want me to leave?” She had told him, a pleading look in her eyes, her frame shaking with sobs.

“I don’t want you to leave. I just think it’s best if you went home.” Harry replied, his ring clad hand through his hair, tugging a little at the roots, head tilted slightly in defeat.

“Why?” She sobbed “i know I panicked a little, but I’m fine now.”

Harry sighed heavily, his eyebrows furrowed in an upset look. He loved the girl in front of him, he did, and he knew he did, but he also loved his career, he loved his job, and it was a hell lot of a difficult job, he couldn’t afford distractions. He hated being distracted, undisciplined, but with her there it was kind of inevitable.

Harry knew it was a bad idea when he had asked her to come on tour with him, but he had let his feeling get in the way. He wanted to spend time with her, because of course he missed her when they were apart, but having her here now, he felt disappointed in himself.

How could he let this happen?

“You’re not fine!” He exclaimed exasperated, “you don’t eat. When you’re here you don’t eat. And then you feel sick. Then you want to be in the pit, you say you can be in the pit - that it’s fine, but at some point you panic and get anxious. I know, I see you. But I can’t-“ at this point, he was rumbling, everything he wanted to say to her but never had the courage to.

He forced himself to keep going, to end the conversation, but he couldn’t even look at her.

He knew it was a low blow, mentioning her struggles; he knew he somehow broke their little silent pact, words unsaid really, to never ask about the other's private stuff. But Harry had felt that this wasn't private anymore, it hadn't been private for a long time. because he cared.

And he knew he was wrong because he never opened up about how he was feeling, he felt it wasn’t his place, and he really wasn’t the best at communicating.

But now it had to come the point where he had to, because he was tired. Not of her. He was tired of seeing her hurt. He was tired of pretending she was fine.

He shifted his gaze from the door of his hotel room to her. She looked so delicate. Not as in fragile, but as in soft. She was tender, and he hoped he hadn’t ruined that. He hoped she’d understand where he was coming from.

“Go on” her trembling voice had said. She felt betrayed. Harry had failed her. The promise he had made her, now vanished into thin air. She felt he could trust her on that matter. She felt safe with him.

“Finish what you were saying.”

He was sad it had gotten to that point. If only he knew how to comunicate, how to speak his feeling, he would have. Maybe. He’s not sure. Because these are big arguments, and he felt small.

“I can’t keep worrying about you.” He had said, and he knew it came off vaguely, because it wasn’t exactly what he wanted to say.

He wanted to say, stop hurting yourself, because I worry. Take care of yourself for me, because It hurts me to see you like this. But he didn’t, of course he didn’t. He never learned how.

“Then don’t! I never asked you to worry about me!” She shouted, her face now red with anger, her hands trembling as she pushed the hair out of her face.

And Harry felt hopeless, because how could she not see. How could she not realize why he was worrying about her.

They had been friends for many years, never once dared to cross the thin line between friendship and something more. They were both scared. They both had their lives, jobs, careers in front of them. Both weren’t willing to lose control and catch feelings, so here they were; Harry begging her to leave, because she was constantly leaving him.

He loved her, he loved her so much sometimes it scared him. Most of the times. Most of the times he wished he’d never even met her. Because then he wouldn’t have to watch her be like this. Other times, when he was feeling particularly honest with himself, he felt a little selfish and thanked heaven their lives crossed paths, but all he ever really was left with was asking himself: at what cost?

At. What. Cost?

Yes, he never told her how much he worried about her because he felt it would draw her away, and now she was here, because she trusted him. And it had felt good, spending all that time together, visiting cities she’d never been to, Harry showing her around.

But he knew, when he saw her sitting on the floor, her head clutched in her hands between her legs, body shaking slightly with sobs, Jeff trying to calm her down with reassuring words. He knew he couldn’t keep up anymore.

“You… i-“ Harry started to say, voice choked, words slurring slightly.

There was a lot he could’ve said.

I love you, take care of yourself.

I love you, I think of you.

I love you, I can’t stand seeing you like this.

I love you, I see you.

But he didn’t.

She was growing impatient now, feeling raw before him. She felt as if Harry had scratched an open wound, and she wanted to leave. Yes, leave. That’s what she was supposed to do. The correct answer to his outburst. But she couldn’t leave. Why, she wasn’t sure.

Maybe because it was the first time she had felt seen. And she wanted to keep feeling seen for a little while longer.

“I wish I knew a way to talk to you” he finally said, sighing to himself. His tone was so low, she wondered if she was even supposed to hear it.

“We talk every time” she replied bitterly, but she knew what he meant. Because even though they didn’t know how to communicate, they understood each other in ways they couldn’t explain.

“You know what I mean”

“I do know what you mean”

#harry styles angst #harry styles one shot #harry x reader #harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles blurb #harry styles au #harry styles fic rec #harrystyles #harry styles fluff

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miryum · 1 year

Text

The Pawn (Newt x Reader)

This is a fic I’ve been working on for a while... I’ve changed up the ending like, three times 😅 I hope y’all like it

Warnings: Talk of Newt’s limp, mentions of attempted suicide, Newt’s backstory, near-death experience, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, OOC for Gally (a little bit), another only girl in a glade, newsie reference, cheesy ending I’m unsure about

“It’s getting out of hand.”

“No, we can’t afford to send her up yet.”

“A5’s depression is off the charts! If we don’t do something soon, things could escalate.”

“A11 is not ready. If we send her to them, we don’t know what could happen!”

“But we need A5 more than we need A11. He’s the glue. We knew there would be casualties and hardships with this. But we were prepared to make those for the greater good. We need A5. If A11 can help him, we should send her up.”

“I- I don’t want to mess it up this time.”

“Yeah, neither do I. But don’t you remember their connection? It has to be done.”

“Okay then.”

Click!

“Send up A11. The Pawn.”

Minho ran out of the maze, carrying something heavy in his arms and yelling like a maniac.

Boys started rushing towards him and too many things happened in a whirlwind of tragedy and confusion. After everything had died down, Alby cornered a tear- streaked Minho in the Med- Hut.

“What happened?” He demanded.

“Newt-” Minho’s voice broke, “I found him almost dead. I don’t know what happened. I knew he was sad and tired of being here, but I never knew it was that bad. I- I found him on the ground, just laying there and it was horrible. Alby, I thought he was dead.”

Alby took Minho in his arms, hugging the boy tightly. Minho shook with cries, the after effect of Newt’s near- death experience breaking him down.

Clint and Jeff flew around Newt’s unconscious body, the movement around him becoming too much for Minho and he had to leave. Alby whispered things and concerns to the Med- Jacks, trying to hide his own emotions, before following him.

Exiting the Med- Hut, Alby ran a hand down his face. He’d have no idea what to do with himself if Newt died. Newt was the glue of the Glade. Alby thanked the Creators that Newt didn’t die in the maze right then. Did Newt jump? Why did he jump? How else would he have gotten in the condition he was in?

A loud, hysterical, wailing echoed through the Glade. Alby’s head whipped up at the sound of the Box coming up. What the hell? First Newt, and now the Box coming up way too early, with a potential, confused greenie.

Gally opened the Box and the boys (excluding the Med- Jacks and Newt) huddled around it. Alby and Gally jumped down into it. Inside there was a girl who was starting to wake up.

Immediately, the whispers started. “It’s a girl?” “It’s a girl.” “How the hell?” “Is that even legal?”

“Everyone!” Alby yelled out, silencing the crowd. “It was bound to happen sometime. I know this is a change, but we’re going to welcome her like any other greenie.”

“By having Gally pound her to the ground at the bonfire?” Someone from the back yelled out. The boys snickered.

“Gally, what’s that in her hand?” Alby asked, squatting down beside the girl.

The girl groaned and started to sit up. “Where am I?” The girl groaned.

“In the Glade, greenie.” Gally snarked.

“Gally, help her up.” Both boys helped the girl up. “What’s your name?”

“Uh, Y/n.” The girl stammered and held her head.

“You’re a girl.” Gally stated bluntly.

“Uh, yeah.” Y/n looked him up and down, “You’re a boy. What’s the Glade? And why are you surprised I’m a girl? Do you guys know what this note is?”

“We’d all like to know the answer to the last two.” Alby sighed, overwhelmed by the news of the first girl and Newt’s attempt to end his life.

The boys helped Y/n out of the Box where she took in the Glade, the maze walls, and the large clump of boys staring at her curiously.

“Everyone, get back to your jobs!” Alby called out, waving a hand to try and get the boys to disperse. With a lot of muttering and conversations, they did.

“Am I the only girl here?” Y/n asked.

“Yes,” Alby cleared his throat, “unfortunately, with you coming up in the box, it’s going to mean a lot of changes for us. I’ll get the Builders started right away on a shed for you, and-”

“Alby.” Gally cut into his nervous rambling. “Go make sure Newt’s okay. Minho and I’ll take care of the greenie.”

“Oh. Thanks.” Alby sped off.

Y/n said, “Why can’t I remember anything?”

“That’s normal, greenbean.” Gally clapped a hand onto Y/n’s shoulder, “No one can remember klunk when they first come up.”

“Klunk? Greenie? What the hell are you talking about?”

Minho came up behind the two, “It’s glader slang. I invented most of it.”

“Greenie is what we call new boys- well, I guess people now, who come up in the box.” Gally explained. Minho glanced at him. Usually he was much more impertinent to the greenies.

“The Glade is this place,” Minho answered some of the most common questions, “It’s where Alby came up first and then all of us came up after him. Alby created what it is today, all of us contributing in our own way. Sorry that you can’t have a normal welcome to the Glade, but we’re all kind of shocked that you’re a girl.”

“You don’t have to keep stating that fact.” Y/n glanced at him. “And what is that?” She pointed to the large four walls surrounding them.

“That’s the maze.” Gally interrupted Minho before he could break down again. “It’s what keeps us trapped in here. It completely surrounds us.”

“Shank, what’s in your hand?” Minho pointed to Y/n clenched fingers that were clutching a crumpled piece of paper.

“Uh, I don’t know.” Y/n smoothed out the paper which revealed the crude words:

Get her to A5. Immediately.

“What’s A5? Who’s A5?”

Gally looked at her, “Greenie, who’s A5?”

“Hell if I know.” Y/n shrugged.

“Shouldn’t we take her on a tour of the Glade?” Minho asked Gally, “That’s what Alby or Newt would do.”

“Newt?” Y/n’s interest seemed to perk up. “Who’s Newt?”

“Uh,” Gally quickly looked at Minho, gauging the boy’s emotions. “Newt’s kind of like the unofficial second- in- command. Though, maybe he’ll become the official one after today. We’ve all just realised how much we need him.” Minho swallowed and Gally continued, “Uh, he’s a Runner and is usually in charge of showing the greenies around because of his… kind and charismatic nature, if you will.”

“Well, what’s wrong? Why isn’t he here?” Y/n asked, oddly concerned for the boy she’d never met.

“We’re not exactly sure.” Gally said, not looking at the girl. “Minho found him in the maze. He was in bad condition.”

“He was in the maze?!” Y/n’s voice got louder. “You let people go into the maze?!”

“Yeah,” Minho got defensive about his role, “we have to find some way out of here!”

After a moment of hesitation, Y/n asked, “Could I see him?”

“Um.” Minho and Gally shot each other an odd look. Y/n couldn’t quite understand what they were trying to communicate, but after a moment, Gally said, “I don’t see why not?” It came out as a question.

Y/n followed Minho, quite fervently, to the Med- Hut. Minho led Y/n and Gally up the stairs to where Newt was currently laying, Clint still puttering around him and Jeff talking to Alby.

Alby glanced up when the trio came inside, a confused look on his face. “What’s going on?” He asked.

“Uh, the greenie asked to see Newt. She also came with this note.” Minho said, giving the piece of paper to Alby.

“She?” Jeff craned his neck around Alby and looked wide- eyed at Y/n. “The greenie’s a girl?”

“A5?” Alby mumbled, “You don’t think that could be…” He trailed off and his eyes flicked to Newt.

“How’s Newt?” Minho asked Clint.

Clint sighed and said, “he’ll live. That’s for certain. Thank the Creators that you found him soon enough. But… his leg’s busted pretty badly, and I think he’ll need crutches for a good while.”

“Will he ever get better?”

“I don’t know.” Clint shrugged. Jeff nodded sadly along. “I think it’s a high possibility that he could have a limp the rest of his life.”

“So no more running, huh?” Minho darkly chuckled, trying to find humour in the bitter news.

“Unfortunately, probably not.” Jeff confirmed his fears.

“At least he’s alive,” Gally reminded Minho. Minho nodded, but didn’t say anything.

“What is she doing here?” Alby said, almost to himself. “She’s oddly calm about this- only focusing on Newt. Y/n,” he said to the girl, “can you remember anything?”

“No.” Y/n frowned, “It’s very unsettling. But I feel like I’m forgetting something very important. Like, I’m here for a reason. I’m supposed to feel an overwhelming emotion, but I don’t know what.”

“Do you wanna continue the tour?” Gally asked. Usually greenies wanted to know everything all at once and they had so many questions it made him want to run into the maze.

“Do I have to?” Y/n looked at Alby, who shook his head.

“We can finish tomorrow.” He said, “Do you want to stay here with Newt?”

“Uh, oddly, yes.” Y/n moved to the corner of the room, out of Jeff and Clint’s way.

Minho, Gally, and Alby exited, shutting the door quietly.

“What the hell is going on?” Gally wondered. “Newt tried to kill himself then the box came, completely off schedule may I add, only carrying this girl- who’s the first girl in the Glade! And she immediately connects with Newt. She wants to stay with him, even though she doesn’t have any memories and doesn’t know who the shuck he is!”

“Thanks for the recap, Gally.” Minho rolled his eyes.

“You’re welcome.” Gally said coldly. Alby could sense tensions rising, so he stepped in between them.

“Gally, I want you to start building a small hut for Y/n; right away. She’ll have to sleep in a hammock in the meantime. Minho, go tell everyone that the bonfire is still happening and that tomorrow I’m going to call a Glade- wide meeting to discuss the new rules pertaining to the arrival of our greenie.” The Runner nodded and took off. Gally sighed, not looking forward to the extra work, but headed off to corral the Builders.

Newts’ first thought when he came to was, I hope I’m dead. But when he recognized the familiar view of the Med- Hut, Newt almost cried.

“You’re awake,” An unknown voice commented. “How are you feeling?”

Newt’s blurry vision cleared and for a minute, he was sure he’d gone to heaven for in front of him was an angel. A girl who was foreign to him came into view. She had h/c hair and e/c coloured eyes. But the thing that struck Newt the most was the genuine concern, mixed with a dash of happiness and relief, etched into her face.

“Who are you?” Newt’s voice was hoarse and he tried to sit up on his elbows.

The girl shook his head and moved to push him back down, but paused. “No, no.” She said, “You need to lay down. I’m Y/n. I’m the ‘greenie.’” She laughed, “Minho’s been trying to teach me all of the slang. It’s a lot to remember and adjust to.”

“Y/n?” Newt didn’t understand. “How long was I out?”

“Two days,” Y/n told him. “Come to think of it, I really should get Clint and Jeff. And Alby and Minho. And everyone. They’re all really worried.” She stood up.

“You’re a girl.” Newt stated obviously. He still couldn’t get over the fact.

“And yet everyone seems so surprised by that.” Y/n sighed. “I came up right after you… had your accident.” She sat back down. “There was a note in my hand that said ‘Bring her to A5’. I assume that’s you?” Newt shook his head, confused. “I don’t know myself.” Y/n continued, “Apparently, I’m the first girl here, which has given you guys quite the shock. Sorry about that.”

“How’ve you been accommodating?” Newt asked, feeling his protective instinct come over him.

Y/n laughed. “I think I should be asking you that. But, could you tell me,” she paused and cleared her throat, “what happened in the maze?”

“I…” Newt trailed off, tears starting to come to his eyes.

“You don’t have to talk about it.” Y/n quickly retracted her point. When, if ever, he wanted to talk, she would be there. Until then, she would stay by him. She took a deep breath, in and out, eyes trailing around the room. “So anyway,” she continued, “I’m going to tell your friends that you’re not dead. I’m sure they’ll want to hear that. Good news for everyone.”

Y/n exited, Newt looking after her. He was confused about who she was but also didn’t want her to go, oddly enough. He wanted her to stay and to tell her all that had happened. He wanted to tell her about what had gone through his mind right before and after he jumped. But mostly, he just wanted her to hold his hand and tell her it would be alright.

It was a weird feeling, wanting to be comforted by someone you didn’t know and wasn’t even sure they should be here. Newt was still puzzled over the crazy coincidence that right after his incident, the first girl in the Glade came up in the Box. But, he didn’t have much time to puzzle, as for right that second, Minho and Alby came rushing in along with Clint and Jeff.

Clint and Jeff immediately went to Newt’s bedside, whispering questions to Newt, checking on his leg, and starting all sorts of tests and procedures. Minho breathed a sigh of relief, and Alby nodded slowly and tiredly once he saw Newt upright. Y/n, seeing that everyone was where they were supposed to be, smiled and slipped into the background.

Newt was slowly adjusting to life back in the Glade. He was up and around again, for only an hour or two a day and under Clint or Jeff’s constant supervision. He heavily relied on crutches and never ever answered questions about what happened that day in the maze. Whenever someone asked him, he would be simply hum and shake his head, muttering something about later. Minho was at his side nonstop, whispering and joking, trying to get his best friend back.

Y/n had turned to the life of a cook and a Mapmaker. She studied the maps and planned out the routes for the Runners while they ran and helped them map their routes after they came back. When she wasn’t in the map room, she was with Frypan, helping him slug vegetables to the kitchen and slice the fruits for when he needed them. She hardly ever left the kitchen or Frypan’s side, with whom she had become great friends with, the map room, or her small hut that Gally had constructed after a couple days.

The rest of the Gladers thought of her as an elusive being. They hardly ever saw her, aside from meals, and she didn’t talk to them much, content with being in her own world. Frypan, however, would say differently. Y/n talked and hummed while working, and he learned all about her days in the map room and her thoughts, many of which he asked about and started a conversation about.

Untrue to her word, Y/n avoided Newt. She had promised herself to stay by him but let herself down. She would see him limping by, conversing with Minho, a far- off, sad look in his eye and want to go talk to him but something always held her back. Frypan continuously hinted that it would be good for his recovery if he had someone else to talk to and maybe he would open up about his depression, but she would just wave him away.

Like Y/n, Newt wanted to talk to her too. He would be staring off into space, foot tapping absentmindedly, when he would see her. She would be working with Frypan or coming out of the map room and Newt would wonder what it would be like to hug her, or even talk to her. She was a phantom limb that Newt knew he needed, but could never grow back. An ironic situation to be in. If one has ever felt as if they wanted someone so badly or needed them to simply live, then they would know how Newt felt. He would just be happy to sit next to Y/n. They didn’t have to talk- he just wanted to sit by her.

One day, Y/n had felt enough guilt from seeing Newt hobble around the Glade. She knocked on his Med- Hut door and after hearing a soft, ‘come in’, she entered.

“Newt?” Y/n pressed her lips into a smile. “Hi. Can we talk?”

“Yeah.” Newt sat up, happy to have a reason to abandon his meal.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“Please, tell me the truth.”

Newt was about to protest, but huffed and frowned. For some reason, he felt obligated to tell her. And not only obligated- he wanted to. “I’m not well. I’m pissed that it didn’t work. I was so… done with everything. And I feel like I still am. Why couldn’t it work? Why am I here? And I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like this. I just want to be done.”

Y/n sat down at the bottom of his bed. “I’m sure. I know you have a lot of contradicting feelings right now, but know that your friends are very happy you’re alive.” After a brief silence, she said, “Alby thinks I was sent up here to help you.”

“And what do you think?”

“I think that there’s an official greenie day coming up, and it might be fun to go.”

“Uh, I’m not sure.”

“Okay. How about we stay here and play a card game or something. Or we could talk.”

Newt shook his head. “I wouldn’t want to deprive you of your first greenie bonfire.”

“I’m sure I’m not missing anything. Plus, there’ll be another one next month.”

“No, you should go. It’ll be fun.” Newt tried to encourage her.

“Newt, stop thinking of everyone else for a moment and think of you. Do you think it’ll be fun to hang out with me?” Newt nodded and Y/n smiled. “Great. Then I’m coming over.” Newt started to protest, but the girl shut him down. “Selflessness is an amazing, admirable, and attractive quality to have, but if it puts more stress on you, it’s not worth it. You come first.” Y/n stood, kissed Newt on the forehead, and left.

Newt let her words sink in, letting them resonate with him. What really got to him though, was that Y/n hadn’t known him for long- just met him in fact, and was already being kind and sweet to him. She was taking care of him- something no one had ever done. Her kiss seemed to burn on his forehead and after all of his thoughts, his last one was: does she think I’m attractive?

Y/n placed down a Queen of Hearts. Newt thought for a moment before placing down an Ace of Hearts.

“Damn it!” Y/n groaned, throwing down her cards. Newt laughed at her display. “How are you so good at this?! I’m the one that taught you.”

“Guess I’m just lucky.” Newt grinned.

“Yes, you are.” They had been at cards for three hours now, mixed in with chatting and many laughs. Newt had won 13 of them, and Y/n 5. The sounds of the bonfire were muffled behind them and though the noises might’ve been enticing for anyone else, for Y/n and Newt it was simply white noise. They were perfectly content in the company of the other.

Minho and Gally had checked in on them at one point, Gally bringing both of them a brew of his special drink. Y/n had pushed hers away after the first sip and Newt had happily taken it. The liquid had loosened Newt up a bit, him chattering away, talking more than Y/n had ever heard him talk. Newt would slip in comments about his depression and Y/n would take them to heart and make a mental note of them to think about later.

After a long night, Y/n had announced that she was going to try and get some sleep. Newt nodded and warned her about the sheer amount of hungover boys she would see in the morning. Y/n laughed and said she would take the warning to heart.

Once she exited Newt’s room, Y/n sighed deeply and rubbed her temples harshly. She slowly made her way to her hut, the sounds and sights of the bonfire only a tiny speck in the distance. After tonight, Y/n was sure of her feelings for Newt. She felt bad for the boy, but she also loved his company and his caring personality. It also didn’t hurt that he was hot. But was it okay to feel for a boy she hadn’t known that long? Were her feelings only of infatuation or something more?

Ever since she came up in the Box, Y/n had felt a strong attraction to Newt. The note she came up with, labelling her as A11, added to her confusion.

An impulse decision burst through her and Y/n turned on her heel, marching back to Newt’s room. Throwing open the door, Y/n started speaking, ignoring Newt’s confused expression. “What’s going on between us?” Y/n asked. Newt blinked, shocked at her outburst. “I mean,” she continued, “am I imagining things? And I don’t know if the creators are just conducting our strings, but I really hope not because I want these feelings I have for you to be real. I really really like you, Newt and I hope I haven’t messed everything up by telling you.”

After a short second, Newt let out a small laugh. Y/n took a deep breath, having known rejection was on the table. His laugh only confirmed that. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’ll leave.”

Newt rapidly shook his head, quickly shouting out, “No! Y/n, bloody hell, I just thought I was another one of the hormonal boys who kid themselves.” His smile said it all, ”You’re a wonderful, kind, and lovely girl, watching over me and all, and I thought it was because I’m pathetic and you felt sorry for me but now I know it was something more. And I’m so glad it was.”

“Really?” Y/n asked softly. Newt’s smile, a full, true, happy smile that hadn’t graced his face for a long time told Y/n all she needed to know.

Newt struggled to get out of his bed and Y/n rushed to help him. “Shuck, I hate this.” He muttered, both knowing he was talking of his limp. “I- I would’ve never jumped if I knew you were coming.”

“But I’m here because you jumped.” Y/n said, Newt wrapping a hand around her waist for stability. Y/n looped her arms around him and a loose hug.

He grinned down at her and said, “I guess there was something good that came out of it. I still can’t believe you like me too.”

“Course I do.”

“Good, because I’m not sure what I will do without you.”

“We make a pretty good team.”

Newt’s smile never dissolved as he leaned down to kiss her. “We really do.”

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wildermouse · 2 years

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another general question for autistic folk:

how are you with working a job? do you have a job? are you able to have a job?

i finally got my first proper job at age 22, working at a big daycare with all ages of children and directly with around 8+ staff each day, but interacting with around 12-16 staff on the daily, plus around 50 children + all their parents every day. it was okay some days, good some days even, though the interacting with staff was always very draining and overwhelming for me. the best days were the days i worked alone with a smaller group of children for 10hrs. i rarely found interacting with the children exhausting, but as soon as i had to work with other staff i was just a mess of internal anxiety. i was pretty good at powering through and masking it until i got home. i was so tired i would fall asleep immediately, didn’t have mental or physical energy for any hobbies. my eating disorder got out of hand many times as well. especially before work, i would have ‘meltdowns’ or anxiety attacks or whatever you wanna call it. i would cry, i would punch myself, i would punch the car window, i would punch my wall. i was scared and overwhelmed and tired and i did not wanna work. it began to really take its toll and i started having (more civilized) breakdowns at work. i lowkey snapped at a close coworker for asking me too many questions i didn’t have answers to and broke down sobbing and had to take a break - this was during the christmas party for the kids. one time i broke down in the yard while i was watching the children because another close coworker came over and asked how i was doing. she had to hug me until i stopped crying. shortly after, i quit. i gave like 2 months notice and actually planned on going back once i’d had a few months break, but life happened and i ended up moving.

i was working there for over 2 years, which is way longer than i thought i would, and it’s now been a year and a half(?) since i stopped working, but i cannot see myself having another job. i don’t want it, and i don’t feel like i can handle it. i know all of my mental & physical energy would be consumed by it, even if it was just part time. i do make art and sell it to make some income (i’m not very consistently motivated with it, i’m still sorting my brain out) and though it sucks not being able to support myself fully financially (i still live at home, though i do pay rent) and not having financial freedom to do whatever i want, i am so much less stressed & anxious being at home doing my art. my art is something i did not have any energy for while i was working.

what i’ve learned after looking back on it was the biggest factor leading to me reaching my limit was the daily interactions with coworkers. the constant small talk (seriously, i would dread the ‘hey how are you’ ‘i’m good how are you’ constantly every single day), the trying to figure out what they want me to do, the having to call people or go find people to ask them questions. working with all those children isn’t what pushed me over the edge, it was socializing with my adult coworkers every day. + having to wake up early and have my whole day taken up by something i didn’t want to do.

for now i plan to try and be and stay more consistent with my art & my shop, and depending on my living situation i’ll maybe go work at a barn cleaning stalls & paddocks for some extra cash. i have no plans to return to a ‘proper’ job. and i don’t see an issue with this the way our society does, the only issue is this world is too fucking expensive and i can’t afford to live.

so yeah just wondering what your experiences are with working and if you do have a job and if you feel unable to work like i do

#autism #autistic #asd #audhd #actually austistic #autistic adult

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anxiescape · 3 months

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Hey guys, sorry for not posting anything lately. Life sucks. Don’t really wanna get personal, but I have a degenerative disorder that’s causing my body to basically fall apart at the seams, and it’s been progressing really quickly these past few months. I’m losing feeling and mobility in my hands and forearms. I can barely hold a pencil to draw anymore, and even when I can hold the pencil my hand doesn’t move right. I’ve started walking with a cane, and my doctor thinks I’ll have to move to a wheelchair in the next few years.

I am in constant pain every moment of every day, and I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in years. My escape has always been stories and art, but I can’t draw much anymore. I can’t knit or sew anymore. I can’t even write, because my fingers start to go numb after a little while and I can’t press the keys down. I’m just living off of painkillers that I swear don’t even do anything except make me nauseous and give me brain fog and I’m tired. I’m terrified of losing my job because then I won’t be able to afford my medical bills, but my job (stocking shelves) is literally making my condition worse.

I’m not giving up hope just yet. I’m trying to get into physical therapy, but it’s been a very long and frustrating process. I’m not giving up hope, but I’m just… not happy. I don’t know how to be happy with this cloud of gloom and doom looming over me constantly. Heck, battling cancer was less mentally draining than this. I broke down sobbing hysterically in the car the other day, just out of the blue, out of nowhere. Pretty sure I scared @amalgamorph, who was driving (sorry about that btw 😬).

So I dunno, I guess… just wanted to say that I’m sorry I haven’t been posting. I have so many new ideas and stories I’ve been wanting to share. I have stories that I want to update. I have sketches and comics that I’ve been wanting to complete. But I don’t know when I’ll be able to finish them. I’m sorry.

#personal life update #vent #tw medical #I kept putting off making this post because I kept thinking things would get better #but they’re not getting better

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nighttimeclassics · 2 months

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I was so proud of myself for moving out. Although the place I’m renting is ridiculously expensive I knew it needed to be done so I wasn’t disowned by my family. I’m renting a room in a house with 7 others. I’ve been here just over a month, and I’ve already not been able to use my bathroom for over a week because my shower leaked into the room below me and so they’ve ripped up my bathroom floor and then yesterday my bed broke and I don’t have access to the kitchen really ever because there is always someone (usually a specific someone) in there. Which would be fine. But I’ve lived here over a month. I have not been able to use the oven yet. I have no space in the kitchen to put any of my belongings, so I am living off of ramen I am cooking with the hot tap in my bathroom. One of my flatmates is homophobic, and the other one, who is always in the kitchen sent a multiple paragraph multi text rant today about how one of us woke him up this morning closing the front door stating “I will film an instructional video later to teach you how to close a door” then going on to complain about how sudden noises fuck up your cortisol levels. And I mean he’s not wrong. But I didn’t hear anyone slam the door this morning so I don’t know what he’s on about. And he complains to us all the time and yet right now, at 20 PAST MIDNIGHT he is playing a movie massively loudly in the room below me and spends most of his day poorly and loudly practising his guitar. You’d think he’d be better at it considering it’s his job. HE SPENT 4 HOURS TUNING HIS GUITARS THE OTHER DAY BEFORE PRACTISING THE SAME TWO BARS BADLY FOR 8 HOURS. You heard me correctly. 12 hours total of infuriation. And I’m having to deal with all of this, whilst not having had a shower for a week because I don’t have a bathroom. And there is dust EVERYWHERE and builders keep coming in and out without me knowing and I can’t deal with it anymore. My anxiety is off the fucking charts. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of it is better now that I am out of my parents house. But it just feels like everything that could be going wrong is going wrong and I just want o cry all the ducking time. And it’s not like I can move out until my lease is up, and even then I can’t afford to live on my own, I obviously cannot afford to buy and the only friends I have live across the country and are in the middle of things they can’t leave just to come and live with me because that would be ridiculous and expensive. I just don’t know what to do anymore. And I’ve probably missed a bunch off of my list right now because I’m so tired my brain hasn’t functioned properly for weeks now. I just can’t cope anymore.

#rant #autism #ocd #actually ocd #autism awareness #feeling like shit #very much want to huddle into a ball #cry #and pretend the world doesn’t exist for at least 6 months #fuck.

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thebookewyrme · 8 months

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So. Two good things: I got enough of a raise I can afford an apartment in my town starting this month, and the apartment I’ve been on the waiting list for 9 months with came open with an apartment that met my requirements (close enough anyway).

Bad thing: I have two weeks notice of the apartment becoming available, I just adopted two cats so I went from no pet deposit (ESA baybee!) to double pet deposit, and my mom says she is also broke this month, so I have no idea how I’m going to afford the move in costs. Straight up I can’t.

I’m just. So tired of scraping by. Tired of there always being SOMETHING that means I’m broke. I finally had a little money by working a second job, got the kittens I’ve been wanting for at least a year, and BAM financial setback which I have no cushion for. I don’t know what to do.

Anyway, if you feel like lightening the load for me, all the links as usual.

Venmo: https://venmo.com/u/TheBookewyrme

PayPal: https://www.paypal.me/LiaWolff05

Cashapp: $TheBookewyrme

And kitten tax:

#personal #financial distress #Kitten Yuan #mutual aid #crowd funding

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trollprincess · 1 year

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I’m in the middle of a panic attack, so while I get my breathing back under control, I want to talk about how bad my current state of mental health is.

Because it’s not good. At all. My anxiety and depression are both cranked up to eleven, which is why I’m sitting here hyperventilating. My therapist always tells me I get too upset at things that have nothing to do with me, which is true, but also I can’t help it. I’m mad and upset and have been for two straight weeks at least, for multiple reasons.

And it ends up coming out as a lack of focus, so I’ve barely written on the podcast and I keep fucking things up, and being too exhausted to do anything but lie in bed when I get home from anywhere. My apartment is a mess, and I should clean it, and I just … can’t. I feel broken. Last week I went to bed relatively early one night because all I could think was that maybe I’d luck out and not wake up at all.

I wish I could take time off, but I can’t afford to. So I’m working two jobs and trying to get episodes of the podcast done and telling myself I also need to clean and grocery shop and take my car in and all I’m doing is overwhelming a brain that’s already overwhelmed to begin with. I keep trying to write while I work at the factory by dictating to my phone like I did last year, and my brain just goes, “Nope, not doing that. You’re lucky I let you do what you’re paid to do while you’re here.”

I’m broke and tired and I’m about to cry for a little bit. Maybe I’ll just glue stuff together for the mini-dollhouse for a bit. Honestly at this point it feels like the only thing I can actually accomplish.

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cuchillx · 2 years

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being back at home is so crushing. So many things to fix, everything’s falling apart. I don’t have a lot of things going on here to help me get going and moving forward

Pancha is not doing well, I could have already acted on it but it’s so overwhelming the vet visits, the expenses, seeing her stress, considering surgery which would be very risky because of her age. And that is even if I were to find a vet that is professional and qualified, it’s so tiring going to different ones and feeling uncomfortable and dismissed with them

I can smell my brother’s breath when he talks and it really smells like he’s got teeth problems. It’s getting bad. I found myself wanting to tell him but realizing it’s pointless. I have a steady income and even I can’t afford proper teeth care, I’m only going to make him feel self conscious to something he has no means to fix. But I don’t want it to get worse for his sake. He’s older than me and unemployed so I know he feels frustrated about life in general

Our house is in shambles and nobody has the motivation to keep up with fixing and cleaning it. Nobody wants to live here but our family situation is complicated so we have to stay, everyday in our lives would be so much manageable if we were happy in our space but we’re not. My mom misses my dad a lot and she cries often, she spirals into depression and I wish I could do something

I’ve had really bad luck with my stuff lately, my laptop that was a gift for myself broke down and I have no idea why, I’ve bought things and flights lately and I get scammed and following up complaints has been stressful. Nothing works.

I have a couple of health concerns that subject me to tests and analysis that are scary for me. I don’t have the will to get them done

I feel awful. I hate being here. Issues that arise seem never ending, they just pile up. I can’t imagine how would I cope if I didn’t have a job that provides, I’m very fortunate to have one but it makes me feel so useless when I put time and money into these situations and it does nothing.

I’m not even going to bother talking about interpersonal problems, as it is it’s already too much.

Sorry for the random and long vent. It’s just one of those things that I’m so tired of that I don’t even want to talk about with someone. I know no one can give me advice on anything about this, and honestly voicing it doesn’t really take anything off of my shoulders, what I want is to see these things improve.

#syrup speaks #long post

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sailorchiron · 1 year

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Life Update:

I decided the only way to get out of the hole I was in emotionally was to get the fuck out of California because I couldn’t afford rent anymore. I have always wanted to live in Santa Fe, so I picked up my life and moved here in July. I’m pretty broke, still behind on bills, but my job is A LOT less stressful and I have time to get enough sleep now and still have a life. I’m starting to feel creative again. I wanted to learn how to make custom content for The Sims 4, and I just posted a bunch of custom paintings. I (finally) organized all of my fabric and craft supplies so I can start sewing again, and hopefully reopen my Etsy store (I make bjd clothes). I’m not going to be getting any new dolls this year, I’m just too strapped for cash, but that’s actually okay. Until I have more money, I can’t upgrade my doll storage and I don’t have room for a single other doll right now. Tomorrow I want to completely clean out all of my doll stuff and organize it. I still eventually want to be a clinical supervisor for a speech-language pathology master’s program, I REALLY want it to be at University of New Mexico which is a doable commute from here if I only work part time down there. My birthday is next Friday (the 13th) and I’ll be 46. I’d like to be a clinical supervisor by the time I’m 50. This year I’m working from home in a district in California, but because I’m a contractor and paid only for hours worked, I don’t get paid for school holidays at all, and it’s just not sustainable. I love working from home, I love that if I’m super tired I can lay down when I have a break, and I love my coworkers, but I plan to try to get a position in Santa Fe public schools next year. My credit is trash, but I’ve made peace with it because I needed this year to just relax and not be miserable. I’ve been miserable for so long and just needed a fucking break. Even though I don’t actually know anyone here, I’m so relaxed and happy. I feel like I fit here, and these are my people. I’m hoping to get involved in the community next year when I’m more settled in. I’m really passionate about Native American culture and want to support any way I can. I’m experiencing a horrible flare of guttate psoriasis and cannot get a dermatologist to answer the freakin’ phone to get meds. I’m dying, I look horrible, my entire body hurts and itches. But I’m still so much better than I was when I was living in San Diego. This place moves at a slower pace, there are no freeways, everything is less than 20 minutes away, and people don’t show up at Target in $300 of Lululemon to shop while carrying a Michael Kors purse. Not everyone is thin and I’ve only seen 1 gym anywhere near my house. The vibe here is so chill. I love it.

TL;DR I might have the ability to write again.

#personal #santa fe #mental health #health

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starkillersbae · 1 year

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venting and christmas angst

Christmas feels like a holiday designed to point out how lonely, dysfunctional and poor I am, and then makes me feel bad about about feeling bad or jealous because it's not supposed to be about the gifts or celebrations it's supposed to be about some nebulous Christmas spirit and the spirit of giving.

But all I feel is broke, isolated, and more aware of the weird broken dynamic with my family and how other people have loving warm family relationships, piles of expensive gifts, S/Os who love them and I went to work and was alone all day. I know I have issues with money and I wish I didn’t. I wish I had a good paying job. I wish my parents had money and had been able to help me. I wish I didn’t get jealous so easily over how easy other people have it.

You’re always supposed to be able to put aside that jealous for how good other people have it because you have love and people who care, but what happens when you don’t?

I have no deep or meaningful real life connections. I know my mom and dad care and try but they’re so wrapped up in their own little world I’m an accessory to that. Half the time I don’t think my mom even likes me and I don’t blame her. I’m not a pleasant person.

I’m tired, I’m lonely, I’m sick to death of being poor. I feel like a part of me has given up on finding love.

I used to get so tied up in knots about finding love, it was the big dream. I wanted to fall in love and get married more than I wanted anything else in the world, but it just doesn’t seem like it’s for me. So somewhere along the lines that dream died.

Every dream I’ve ever had has died. As a teenager I wanted a horse so bad I spent years doing everything to try and get a horse and it never happened to I just put it aside on a shelf and don’t think about horses anymore. I don’t want one, I don’t want to be involved in horses. In my late teens early 20s I just wanted to fall in love like in a fanfiction. It sorta died somewhere in my mid 20s when I realized I wasn’t compatible with relationships and love and all dating was doing was filling my life with clowns and sad depression girlfriends I’d see for a month or two before realizing they were awful. So I put that dream up on a shelf, and truthfully, I don’t really read fanfiction anymore because it feels like reading horse magazines again thinking like an idiot I might some day have a horse. So I started dreaming about Europe and getting a degree and I would be happy if I could just travel and see Europe. Lately though all I think is ‘why would Europe make me happy at all?’ what would it have for me and whats the point? I would just embarrass myself to death if I tried to live there. I couldn’t afford it and I have no education, after flunking out of community college because I still can’t get my shit together.

I just feel like an empty hollow husk of a person. Why am I living? I don’t think I even am living honestly. I’m just passing time and my body keeps going so I keep going.

One of these days it’ll get dark enough and empty enough I’ll just end it. Thats not really a threat or a desperate cry for help. No one can survive an empty void life, being half dead and never really alive. Some day I’ll finally do it and get out before it gets any worse.

#personal

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arenskreigh · 2 years

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Another short thing

Yeah, idk how to title these. Yes I suck at writing. Also, don’t get on my ass about ending dialogue with periods. Ending it with commas bothers me to hell.

(Melody’s POV)

Dealing with the pain was an issue for both of us.

Both physical and mental.

I walked into his room one night to check on him, and I found him curled up tight against himself.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him gently.

“I-it..it hurts, please Melody, it hurts so much.” He says, as he tries not to cry.

“Hey, hey, shhh. I know it hurts, I know you feel bad. I want to help you, but I can’t let you take anymore painkillers right now.”

“W-why?! Please I need it!” He begs me, tears running down his scarred face.

“I can’t, you already had some in the past few hours and the ones you were given are strong. You can’t take more or you’ll get addicted.”

He continued to cry as he laid back down, pulling a blanket over himself.

I hated seeing him in so much pain, I felt horrible.

“Shhh, just try to breathe. I know you’re hurting, I know it’s horrible.”

He was able to calm down a little bit as I brushed my hand through his hair, gently caressing him.

“It- it hurts! It hurts so much!” Still, he continued to cry. I felt so terrible.

“I-I-I just want t-to sleep, that’s all! I can’t- I can’t do this!” He begged to me, probably hoping I’d put him out of his misery.

He did tire himself out from crying so much, and managed to sleep a little.

All of the sleep he got was somehow interrupted whether it be nightmares, getting sick, or for no reason at all.

In the morning I went to wake him up so he could take his medicine, I knew he would want it.

He was very confused when he awoke, however.

“No..let me sleep…you can hurt me after I sleep. Just please…please let me sleep.” He begged, half asleep.

“She’s not here, she never will be. It’s just me, you can sleep as long as you want but I know you want your medicine.”

He took it, and fell straight back asleep.

I was tempted to lay down on the spot there with him, but I didn’t want to rush things. I too was incredibly tired from taking care of him all the time.

It’s not a bad thing, I just wish I could sleep more.

When I did have my moments of silence and being alone, I had to do work stuff. It wasn’t anything huge or difficult, but I knew I had to keep up if I wanted to keep my job.

I was so tired I ended up falling asleep on the couch. I woke up an hour or so later, still exhausted.

Tyler was somehow still peacefully asleep, I was almost jealous.

I knew I had to support him, he was going through something extremely hard.

I took this opportunity to go to the store and pickup stuff we had been needing.

It was also another moment for me to buy more cigarettes.

It’s that thing where it only gives you relief for a few minutes, but at least it’s something.

I know I should quit, it’s bad. Tyler also gets triggered by it.

I forced myself to not get any, and rather get the stuff that was necessary.

I hadn’t tried before to stop altogether, but I thought I’d try now.

Well, withdrawal symptoms is another thing I have to deal with.

I get irritated easily, and that doesn’t help when I’m close to giving up on trying to comfort Tyler.

I got back from the store and he was still asleep, thank god. The one time I had left him alone he had an entire mental breakdown cause I wasn’t there.

It was so sad seeing how badly he was hurt. He was such a caring person before; kind, thoughtful.

Now he was isolated, paranoid, and extremely broken.

Neither of us could afford a therapist. Tyler became nearly 100% broke after purposely crashing his car in an attempt to end his life.

He drove straight into a tree, crushing the front end of the car. He got out when he realized he wasn’t dead, and couldn’t feel near anything due to shock.

Which meant he didn’t feel his broken arm, or the giant gash in his side from being impaled.

Apparently he doesn’t remember anything from that night. The only thing he can recall is Harmonie hurting him, badly.

That night he tried to cut things off with her, but it only made her spiral.

From what he told me, she stabbed him over and over again, bruised his body to hell, and drugged him up.

But there is probably more she did, I don’t doubt it.

I got a look at the photos taken of the crash, and there was blood all over the car, everything.

…I almost threw up in front of the police because of it.

I really don’t know how he managed to survive that. I mean, he didn’t want to survive at all.

I stayed in the emergency room for hours until he woke up, barely even able to talk.

He held my hand the whole time, as I kept us together, close.

I didn’t want to lose him, I couldn’t.

He was the most important person to me, he’s…he’s more than my best friend. I think he realizes that too.

No criticism accepted please thanks I’m sad and sensitive

#oc #whumplr #aftermath of whump #whumpee x caretaker #whump fic #whumpy things #my ocs #oc infodump

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