#I might delete some of the posts cause I was in a bad mood when I wrote them and was being a bit rude | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sakinotfound · 2 years

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good morning/afternoon/night, i saw you wanted some requests, so here i am (?).

i was wondering if you could write some headcanons for how satan, beelzebub and belphegor (obey me!) would help, or try to do so, their gn! s/o who tends to bottle up their emotions to the point that they can't feel any emotion at all for several days, just numbness for days until they get their emotions back.

if you need any more exact clarification of what i mean do not hesitate to send me a message or something.

feel free to delete this if you don't feel like doing it.

remember to take care of yourself first, don't pressure yourself with this and take you time.

thanks in advance! <3

with a s/o who tends to bottle up their emotions

characters: Satan, Beelzebub, Belphegor

cw: long post under the cut, established relationship, emotional intimacy and vulnerability, (in belphie's part)mentions of make out sessions, sex, body worship and praise kink but not descriptive.

a/n: greetings! thank you for sending in an ask you sweet, kind human and i hope this is what you asked for. i had fun doing this💜 and take care of yourself too (all of you in fact). if you like this, reblog.

🌿Satan

• Satan is an observer, very very observant. he notices everything. he remembers everything. you don't have to say something or explain yourself for him to figure out what's wrong. he can be a menace still, but he knows where to draw the line when he senses his behaviour isn't being received playfully or lightheartedly.

• he is straightforward and comes to the point. would take you to a secluded place and ask you what is wrong. doesn't beat around the bush. now if you don't disclose it or act like nothing's wrong, he tries to pry it out of you. would try to sneakily make you pour your heart out.

• like what is wrong, just tell me please. he is nosy and wants to know what's up.

• would try to distract you and take your mind off of whatever you're overthinking about. since you aren't telling him, he can't help you with that. but at least he can try and uplift your mood. so he would try to take you to different places he knows you'd like. or he'd try to spend some time with you by doing some labor intensive or brainstorming activity just so you'd forget about your thoughts for the time being and instead focus on the task at hand.

• exercising helps decrease anxiety and depression and increases levels of dopamine and serotonin.

• cracks witty jokes just to see you smile or laugh a little. he is dying to bring your smile back.

• he doesn't like you when you just become a shell of your true self. when you don't show any emotions. and when the fear of losing you creeps up, he gets scared.

• eventually would get a little irritated with you. he thinks you are being utterly stupid. satan is smart, you should talk to him. you should tell him and let him help you. he would give you advice or might even solve the problem himself. don't you trust him?

• bottling up emotions is bad, he knows that. why do you think he never bottles up his anger? if he is angry, he makes sure everybody in the vicinity knows he is angry. he doesn't keep it in, he let's it out. he knows if he tried to conceal his wrath, he'd cause havoc in the entire devildom.

• when everything fails and you just bottle it in and act like everything is fine when he is dead sure you are hurting inside, he tries one last time.

• would take you to some beautiful, romantic place and spend some quality time with you. would let you know how much you mean to him and how much it hurts him to see you sad. he cares about you and loves you to the square of Earth's diameter and more. would be vulnerable with you so that you can trust him enough to be vulnerable with him.

• emotional intimacy 📈📈📈

• i mean it. he'd be very touchy and kiss-y and hugg-y. only if you are comfortable with that though, he knows some people don't like physical affection and become uncomfy. if that's the case then he'd keep it minimal and would ask before doing anything.

🌿Beelzebub

• probably an unpopular opinion, but i think beelzebub is a very emotionally mature person. he is very smart, he just likes to stay in his own bubble and mind his own business. doesn't like to get involved in dramas or poke his nose in others' matters.

• even when it comes to you, he tries to give you space. he knows sometimes you just need some time to yourself with no disturbance, just peace to gather your thoughts together. so he tries to help you passively.

• if you don't wanna deal with his brothers right now and aren't in a mood to talk, he asks his brothers to not bother you at all and leave you alone for some time. beel never asks for any favours so they don't even argue with him.

• if you don't come down for dinner, he'll make a plate for you with all your favourites and bring it to your room. if there aren't many favourites of yours at the table, no problem, he'll try to make them or will ask barbatos for help. again barbatos wouldn't decline him because he rarely asks for any help. and when he says it's for you, barb would happily help him out.

• beel knows how much power good food holds and he knows how much it helps in changing the mood, so his love language is food.

• would knock on your door before entering and would request you to please eat something. say you refuse, then he'll feed you himself. he might wanna finish the whole plate himself but would actively refrain from doing so.

• honestly, his heart would break seeing you like this. beel is the type of person who would hurt if you hurt. if you are sad, he is sad. if you cry, he cries. you can see the look on his face which resembles a kicked puppy.

• you don't act like you use to anymore. this is something more serious than just being sad. he gets scared when you try to recluse and turn away from him. he starts panicking a little.

• asks you, if he could please stay in the room with you. he doesn't want to stay away from you anymore. he wants to help because even after all this time, you still don't look your usual self.

• hugs hugs hugs. hugs bring so much comfort and safety when you are in the arms of someone who actually cares about you. he loves hugs, beel loves physical affection. he doesn't mind being vulnerable and emotional with his s/o at all.

• if you'd let him, he'd make you sit in between his legs, big muscular arms would hold you against his chest. he'd gently rub your back or your sides. he is very soft and gentle with you all the time. would cage you in his warm embrace with his limbs and place your head on his broad chest. it feels very good, i'm telling you.

• he isn't very good at giving advices but is a good listening ear. cry to him, rant to him, yell to him, just tell him what is going on inside your head. empty your heart, spill it out, don't hold it in please. it would only hurt you more. he doesn't want that.

• forehead kisses and temple kisses.

• would actively work on your relationship to make you comfortable with discussing things with him. he wants you to trust him with your everything.

🌿Belphegor

• tbh it would take him quite some time to notice. i think he is a little self absorbed and he tends to focus on himself more than others. he spends most of his time sleeping and the rest goes to school and studying. everyone else other than you and Beelzebub, tire him out. (doesn't mean he doesn't still love them.)

• would take your change in demeanor as you being tired or just not in the mood. wouldn't force you. in fact would ask you to come sleep with him in his bed.

• "it's comfy and sleeping helps with everything. a good sleep helps improve your mood, trust me."

• cuddles!! would pull you against him and put his arm on you. a big spoon just for you. would place feathery kisses on your neck and shoulder and collar bone.

• would place your head over his chest and play with your hair. hums a soft tune to help you relax.

• i think the cuddles would turn into slow but passionate make out sessions sometimes. and he becomes so serious with them, you sometimes find yourself breathless and speechless. would take your mind off by making love. definitely.

• probably the first emotion you felt in days.

• body worship and praise kink📈📈📈

• would show you how much he loves you through that. and all this just because he thinks you are temporarily sad.

• you may or may not cry with happiness or just because the above activities made you finally break down.

• but when he figures it out, that you are actually hurting and something has been bothering you so much for so long and he didn't even realise it, he would beat himself up for that. boy is genuinely very upset and disappointed in himself ngl :(

• apologises and begs you to tell him what's wrong. does he need to beat someone up? do you need help with school? did Lucifer scold you a little too much? wait did he do something?

• he doesn't want you to lose your shine. you are so special to him — a fresh breeze, a hope, a ray of sunshine. he knows what hatred and isolation can lead to. he doesn't want you to go spiralling down that rabbit hole. he doesn't want you to go through what he went through.

• but things happen and you can't control others emotions. so even if you don't wanna talk much about it, he is always by your side. ready to help you the second you ask for it. but no matter what he doesn't let you go spiralling. no, he helps you through it but with baby steps.

#obey me #obey me x reader #obey me satan #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #satan x reader #beelzebub x reader #belphegor x reader #krishna's requests

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bosskie · 10 months

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Explaining myself

I wanna explain myself and talk a bit:

I prefer to keep a low profile, be basically invisible, when it comes to my art too. Therefore I'm quite asocial here but I'm still observing what others are doing and talking about. I still suffer from an awful self-hatred and it affects me a lot... I'm gonna have a short therapy next fall but in the meantime, I just have to try to figure out by myself what could help me. I'm still not alone with this but this is my responsibility and my mind just does its best to deny everything positive about me... I don't even wanna think about how many times I have just wanted to be gone... No matter what I have achieved in life, my mind keeps telling me that I'm nothing... It's heavy to deal with this and I know that I can be heavy person to follow... I feel sorry for everything my disorder/illness causes, even it's not my fault that my mind is not okay...

I still wanted to doodle something for this post since I really appreciate people who can stand me and wish to support me, even I cannot understand why:

A rough, quick-ish Molluck sketch. This took under two hours. I might continue this one day but I'll see... My refined pieces take about ten times more time than this. Frankly, I still feel like I cannot draw Molluck properly... He is challeging to draw and I'm still studying how to draw him.

But I'm still trying to fight, even it can be difficult... Sometimes, I think that even Molluck deserves someone better than me, that I should 'leave him alone', stop doing anything related to him... It's basically just my self-hatred since Molluck is such a big part of my daily life...

It's difficult to be a content creator when I also tend to feel that I'm just ruining everything... Sometimes, I feel that I'm ruining the Oddworld feed here too... My self-hatred is just this bad... I know that I have no reasons to hate myself but I still hate myself... I still try to post my art here, even it can be difficult for me... When I think this stuff, it keeps reminding me of my Soulstorm tattoo design submission; I was about to delete my submission after I had submitted it.

I thought that this was nothing like they wanted but I was so wrong... I won. Right now, I feel that I would change this a bit but I'm not sure if it would look any better... And if someone wonders why I thought that this was nothing like they wanted, well, I just thought that my drawing looks crappy and not tattoo-like enough, being just a some kind of portrait. But the reason why I'm talking about this is that it's just such a good example of how severe my self-hatred is... Oh, and OWI hasn't contacted me yet, still, but right now, I have no will to contact them either. I'll see that later on. I have felt so depressed recently, again... I have felt better too but now, this mood hit me.

I just wanna be honest with you. I'm not perfect but neither is anyone else. This is my fight and the others have their own too. I wish that my story could have a happy ending but it's not a sure thing... I still don't know if it's even worth it... I feel too often worth of nothing, for no reason...

I feel so sorry, even this is not my fault... Mind can get sick like body too. I appreciate that you stand me, even wanna support me... It's making me cry... I feel quite often like someone to be forgotten, someone not to love, to be erased... But like my winner piece was titled, 'Don't give up!'. It's not easy but I keep trying my best.

#art like a bosskie

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statementlou · 1 year

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IYO, any red flags/deal breakers one should look out for when following larrie blogs here? already blocked the GIF making ones (cuz they're mostly blouies) and the big ones, who loves the drama.

hmmm... I mean there are loads of blogs on here that seem like cool people but who I don't follow cause they post lots of stuff that isn't what I personally want to have to scroll through, be it full on deal breakers or just stuff that's uninteresting to me and untagged- like there's just a whole spectrum going from eh not for me to holy shit I wish I could fucking delete that blog. But you're asking about the far end of that spectrum, so... um I guess for me: people who state their theories as facts/ don't seem to understand the difference between theories and fact. People who want to delete other peoples' blogs tbh, like who think that if someone disagrees with their theory they need to be Dealt With and Schooled, so I guess I wouldn't actually delete anyone's blogs. I just don't like cops be it the real kind or just people acting like them, like thinking some fanfic is Bad and needs to be censored, or believing that not thinking Louis and Harry are married is punishable, or insisting that their lyric analysis is CORRECT and the only possible one, or who think taking a job pretending to be someone's partner publicly is morally Wrong and they are Bad People. IDK though, I think I have distanced myself so far from the really nasty shit that I'm forgetting some bigger bad flags maybe? in any event my personal shit under the cut why not

My personal NOs are: if someone is super negative and hateful all the time, be it about someone in the 1D-sphere or other segments of fandom (I worry that I'm one of these kinds of blogs to someone but I do try not to be), or who publish anti anons spewing their gross hate and nasty theories, even if its to make fun of them: hate just depresses me, even directed at targets I also dislike. It truly lowers my mood in a way that is hard for me to shake. Likewise if someone's blog is all asks or posts with the worst takes I've ever seen, regardless of how thoughtful their counterpoints, it's just not my thing. You can be hilarious or very correct in replying, but I already had to read that shit and it genuinely depresses me to be reminded how terrible people (and their takes) can be. It's the same reason I blacklist Tr*mp and shit like that you know? So with fandom, like the news, I'll go looking sometimes to see what's being said or to track down something I see people referencing but I want to be able to scroll without being blindsided by it. But maybe what ruins your day is something different? I have pals who find anti trolls hilarious and seek them out to see what they're up to, but flat out blacklist totally different stuff that I might roll my eyes at but not really be bothered by. But also my YESes! When I come on here I know what I wanna see: 1) a bunch of pics of Louis cause he makes me happy 2) some funny takes and memes 3) the people I follow having funny or insightful commentary on new pics or whatever in their tags or telling me some bts type info, I love knowing all the details and gossip 4) intellectually stimulating but emotionally low stakes discourse that doesn't involve anyone spewing hate at anyone else 5) enough UA type content to know what everyone is up to 6) enough clues about what's going on with the fandom or in the non-UA type updates (like, what did people figure out from that official post) to figure out if I wanna go find the drama and roll my eyes or comment. So that's what I look for!

#I would be worried about letting antis know hate bothers me #but they pretty obviously dont actually read my blog so lol #anyway stuff in my inbox doesn't the same way #I'm braced for it #but when I'm scrolling my dash I don't expect that shit #thrilling news everyone I FINALLY REMEMBERED THE READMORE FUNCTION EXISTS #will try to use more now #if your dealbreaker is people who write loooong posts #you dont have to quit me just yet!#maybe #maybe this will just encourage me #oh hot tip for newbies based on the ask- dont block people unless youre sure cause possibly one day #you will have been in this stupid fandom for like years all of a sudden #and will be like ugh maybe they're not THAT Bad actually but I blocked them so they blocked me back and now I can never ever reblog #anything they post #forever 😂#even if its interesting

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mindrole · 5 months

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this is a weird post to make as i like to stay in my own little corner and usually don't mind but sometimes i wonder if i should tag more artwork in the main tag, but to be honest i've had some bad run-in with the community before, it was my fault 100% and things were more or less resolved (maybe not amicably but i feel bad seriously) but i feel scared to now post in the tag for the most part... (no, it was seriously a bad move from me. im not the kind of person who likes to cause trouble or enjoys such a thing)

besides, i think i mostly post fan work based on stuff that is untranslated... since i already had a good almost 2 yrs to stew on c0e) idk how much interest there is in it..?

and when it comes to meta posts, and whether to tag THOSE, a lot of it is based on my own understanding so i fear i might be making mistakes based on something i misunderstood/misread (both literally misreading and language comprehension wise). i don't really engage with fans (not out of malice im just neurotic over things so i prefer to keep a distance), and i don't have twitter anymore because i quit that website over a year ago (i have a blank twitter to maintain a twitter bot in one of my discord server, so sometimes i might look at fanart absentmindedly) so idk what theories people have anymore!! i might be saying dumb stuff that people already figured out is wrong, or is generally not agreed with.

its just a little conflicting! idk if anyone wants to see my stuff is what i think. maybe when the com demo drops i will tag stuff but... right now i see no reason... (most of the stuff i wouldn't tag anyway, i don't wanna flood people's tags with junk doodles)

i think its just hormones 100%, but suddenly i'm getting one of those weird moody moods about this blog. it's not "i want to delete it" this time at least but more like "is anybody there!!!!"

its not really a "please engage" sort of post, don't think of it like that or feel bad, just airing out my feelings amidst my natural cycle... i will feel better after i post this and possibly if i feel hysterical later, i might delete it (it happens in this pattern often).

"discouraged" is the wrong word because i don't care and its not really stopping me and i still love making stuff (0 issues there), but i wish it was a little more stimulating, i like my brain being scratched in a good way... its nice when strangers see it and i know someone is seeing it even by chance. you know? im not entitled to that, but i can't deny it makes me smile. i can't help but feel like im just acting entitled here...

how do i convey this feeling... im just a sopping wet cat in a cardboard box? but im also a grown ass adult. you know? i don't like to be vunerable.

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overanalyst556 · 11 months

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Announcement!

Hello, I wasn't expecting to make this today. I was originally going to do this tomorrow but due to some issues, I have instead decided to do this today.

As for those of you that have not seen the posts, I have been considering leaving Tumblr due to the chaos that was happening in the community. But while I have come to a decision, I guess I Should explain the reasons why 'm doing this.

First is my content. Now I understand that people are busy right now and that's fine, I'm not forcing you to like my content, But I just wish someone would give it a shot and check my essay on which I spend hours on it. The first History related thing I ever did, The Black Death essay got 9 notes while the Korean War essay only has 1.

While I mainly do the blog because history is my passion, It sucks to hear that people almost, if not pay attention to what I do. But that's the least of my problems, Although still a big one.

The second and possibly main reason is the Tumblronpa fiasco. Now, I haven't been here long enough to see how Tumblronpa works, But I have been told of it, Hell I made an oc. But after the drama that went down about that the last few days, I'm genuinely staying away from that now.

I don't know when this drama started, But I think it started when the mod for a Tumblronpa by the name of Dash started getting anon hate from a different source ( the person of which has never been found)

Now I bring Dash up because that might have been the start for me to think about the risks of being on a Tumblronpa, though not enough for me to quit. But things get stranger when another content creator by the name of Mentally Eli disappeared for a while ( She has since returned)

After this, I was starting to get a little nervous not gonna lie, but It still wasn't-enough. But then come the Aliza -chan situation and that's where my hope was shattered. Aliza almost died not once, but twice because of anon hate. It got so bad that she had to leave Tumblr, which was a smart move from Aliza not gonna lie.

But still, that situation and the fact that one of my friends and mutuals tried to off themselves because of anon hate, pretty much shattered my hope of ever being on a tumblronpa. I was fucking terrified.

If you don't know, I'm terrible with anxiety and stress since I was little. Often times I wonder why I exist if I just have no purpose. Keep in mind, I'm a teenager and this whole suicide situation scared the shit out of me.

And really It was the Situation with Aliza- chan as well as Mama Lexi( Although Lexi's was something entirely different from that and had nothing to do with Tumblronpa's or anon hate, Still I highly recommend that you don't disturb her now cause she's not in the best mood) That finally pressured me to make this post and have my overall thoughts on it.

I'm not in the best mood right now and the situations that have been going on have been increasing my stress levels up the roof and my fears of Tumblronpa hate altogether.

But let's get to the big question: Am I leaving Tumblr? Yes and No. Let me explain.

While yes, I said I thought about leaving Tumblr, I'm not willing to delete my blog because of the friends I made on this site as well as the fact that history is my passion. But I won't lie when I say that I Need some time off from this to calm down.

Starting tomorrow, I will be on a break from Tumblr. The ask box is still open, So feel free to send stuff there ( Though I highly doubt you will) and I will be sure to answer them When I come back.

My discord is still open as well, Though don't expect me to answer often on it. I will still answer If I have the time.

As for Tumblronpas? I'm done with it. I refuse to participate in one after what happened, and as well as my mental state not being the best right now, I don't think I can handle the death threats that come my way.

If this means I'm dropping out of Eden's Garden and Lumnieres roleplay blogs, then Yes, I Unfortualney have to drop out. Also, the picrew that I made Samuel in is no longer there, so I can't do any more sprites with him sorry.

But still, I'm staying the hell away from Tumblronpas in general now. If you want to ask me to join a Tumblronpa, I'm sorry, But I will have to decline. No Tumblronpas, No roleplay, I'm done.

Overall, I think that's my reasons for taking a break from Tumblr. I wasn't expecting to make it today, but I guess so. This year has not been kind to me, with some issues going on at home as well as some finals I have to finish up, Plus the fact that people don't care for my content and the whole Tumblronpa situation has broken my mental state.

Let's be honest, No one is going to care about this post or won't even see it. Honestly, I get so used to being discarded and ignored, That I just don't care anymore. No one cares and that is that, I just wanted to get my thoughts off my mind.

So, yeah I will be taking a break, I don't know when I will come back, but Maybe when I get my shit together. I hope you guys have a nice day and this is goodbye for now...

#sam talks

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mymadmedleyw · 1 year

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Well, it seems I have to post truce fic under this name and account. (Sarcastic) jazz hands... "Yeah!!!"

But, maybe this is how it should happen, otherwise I'd surely confuse the organizer(s). And I don't want to cause trouble just because I'm in 'bad' mood. So~

You will thankfully still see me around.

---

Note - as fyi, for the ones whom it might consider:

I have an another Tumblr account already - a side one for this. Thus I can't delete this one, only the side one apparently which is annoying if you ask me. So this account will stay. Great. It will be not used though only when I have something to say. And leaving this account 'alive' will mean, you can contact me (through direct message, make asks or whatever if you wish) and I'll happily answer - in case I want to answer. And there is discord too - I'm using the same discord account for some real life friends and for hanging around in a region writer group, so as far as I know you can contact me there too because that stays too. But the same rule will apply for it as for here: I'll answer if I want, the right for anything is up to me - and mainly to my mood.

---

Btw, I miss me. And I'm constantly thinking about whether it was the right step or not - it was but still.

I think I will make an entry about this stirring grief and guilt in me about my recent massacre - read as: mass fic-removal - but for it I have time to put into words my feelings. Many things are going on for me right now irl and first, I have to arrange them before able to sit down and think about this world of mine.

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mina-van1104 · 2 years

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Read all or don’t read at all because you won’t understand. So people who know me well know if you hangout with me, I always take pictures no matter who you are.

So there was a guy that said he wanted to hangout so I was like sure so we hungout a few days ago (& just because I take pictures of you, doesn’t mean I’ll post it-the pictures are just for MY memories).

What’s very insulting & really offensive to me was when he said he doesn’t want to take pictures. I’ve been with actual good looking guys before & they were super sweet to me and they were not fake like he was.

Excuse me, if you don’t want to take pictures, DON’T HANGOUT WITH ME because I always take photos no matter who you are doesn’t mean I’m going to post any of it.

If you don’t want to take pictures with me, you’re not cool enough to hangout with me!

How dare you? Do you think you’re more superior than me when you’re not! The guy I met, worked at one of the workplaces/hospitals I used to work at. He’s one of the security guards.

I literally almost say “hi” to everyone (even if I don’t know you) at work & said “Hi” to him several times before but he added me on Social media last week & we talked & Snapchatted.

So he wanted to hangout & I didn’t feel like hanging out because my cat died a few days ago & was crying everyday but I said sure we can hangout. I was in a sad mood & wasn’t feeling myself. Maybe also misinterpreted me but anyways I have no bad intentions apparently he probably thinks I might do something to those photos which would be stupid.

He’s not even originally from Nevada! SOME people (not all of them) who are from out of state, you people are seriously a problem in Nevada! Go back to California Chris Martin! You’re so fake! Hurt my feelings & wasted my time then deleted me on social media & Snapchat. Stay in Carson City & don’t come to Reno anymore!

Little did you know I already have ENOUGH friends in REAL life but would be friends with anyone because I’m really friendly to anyone & I have a purpose in life! I just wanted to be friends. I didn’t want to date him! He probably thought I wanted to date him. At least I’m not fake! If he didn’t offend me I would not mention anything bad about him, but too late, he pissed me off big time.

He also already has a cute baby daughter so who would want to date that fake guy who already has a daughter grrrr! He also called me “fat” I heard him, grrrr! He’s not the genuine guy I thought he was.

Never be fooled by a cute guy. I’ve dated physically really good looking guys before at least they were sweet & not fake. He’s super tall, white, & good looking but don’t be fooled by how he looks because he’s fake. Thought he was genuine boy was I wrong.

He reminded me of 2 of my exes who were super tall white & one of them was veteran, at least they were not fake & still sweet people. He was not worth my time obviously. I’ve already ranted that to a few close friends. He’s so pathetic. We talked everyday for like a week so that made me kind of happy until we hungout & he deleted me on Snapchat & Social Media. That’s his loss.

We could’ve stayed just friends but he pissed me off & now I want to rant how dumb he is. If none of that happened & he was an actual good person I would not write about this. If anyone wants to hangout, we obviously will take pictures no matter who you are, if you don’t want to, don’t hangout with me! Life is too short!

Don’t ruin happiness. I don’t want to waste my time with the wrong people. A lot of out of staters who moved to Nevada have literally caused a lot of problems so if you’re from out of state, always be nice to everyone because I’m the one who’s originally from Nevada so respect me as a person or get out of my state!👊🏼

The good thing (before me & that guy hungout) at the mall a different guy at the mall called me cute. Made my day. Then on Sunday a different guy around my age in my neighborhood when I was walking with my dogs a cute guy said to me “You look so adorable.” I said “thanks” & it made my day. 😊 God’s giving me signs & hoping for the better in the future.

# Selfie # Nurse # Coach# Healthcare # JesusChrist ✞♡ ✝️ # ProChoice (though) # Running 🏃🏻‍♀️ # PositiveVibes # LoveDrivesOutFear # NevadaBornAndRaised # NevadaNative # athletic 🐾🏃🏻‍♀️💪🏼# RenoNevadaBornSparksRaised # HomeMeansNevada # Nevada # UNRnevadaAlumnaMay2016🎓 🐾 # PostUniversityGraduate 🎓 # Overachiever # WolfPackAlumna 🐾 # BachelorsHealthSciences # PublicHealth 🐺 # 2CollegeDegrees # 2ExtraMedicalLicenses # AlreadyAllAchieved # TrueAccomplishments # integrity # RenoBornSparksNative 🐾🐶 🤙🏼 ✨🌻

•2019:Older sister Catherine Van&Adam Schwartz’s Wedding&their website on: https://www.theknot.com/us/catherine-van-and-adam-schwartz-aug-2019•Reminiscing more than 200 people came.

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eulangelo · 3 years

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callout for @genderfluidlucifer

google docs

tw for transmisogyny + TERFs + emotional manipulation

Transmisogyny

Lucifer is a huge transmisogynist who will complain 24/7 about how TERFs hurt the ace community, but the moment @randomclustermissile , a trans girl (who is not an exclusionist at all) tries to point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles (in the most vague and general way possible, without pointing fingers nor calling anyone names) Lucifer will immediatly jump to block her and so they did with me (another inclusionist) and i have to suppose to everyone else who agreed with that post, even arriving to vagueing about us in private group chats to suggest that we were “sympathizing with exclusionists”. all because we dared point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles. lucifer is TME but apparently they think they’re the authority on TERFs and their talking points but actual trans women are not, according to them, since this is the stuff that they would go and spew to other people. (screenshots from @enbyoctoling)

here’s more examples of Lucifer (again, a transmasc person) going deep in detail about how according to them, TERFs/SWERFs hate aro/ace people and are an active threat to us

1. link

[Image ID: Three screenshots of a post by Genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot is of a paragraph that reads, "Hey. So I can actually answer this. Anon your commentary about how you thought terfs would approve of sex repulsed aces is sort of it. Except...not. Basically terfs hate ace people for not wanting sex in the approved by terfs way. Terfs are actually extremely interested in [forcing] amatonormativity onto everyone. Because for as sex negative as terfs are...they don't want to actually acknowledge or change the fact that amatonormativity is at the root cause of rape culture and misogyny."

The second screenshot is a zoomed in section of the post that reads, "So yeah no I have NO idea where exclus allies are getting this idea from that terfs would even remotely care about the sexual rights of ace people. Terfs generally hate any sexualities in the LGBTQ+ acronym that aren't LGB because they can't force a gender binary onto those sexualities. At least, not as easily. That's why it's actually a massive sign of someone who doesn't call themselves a terf being a crypto terf if they use the term LGB in a positive manner. Along with the term SGA, as it is deliberately exclusive of nonbinary and not inherently SGA centric queer-aligned sexualities. /END ID]

link to the full post, these are just excerpts but the whole thing is just a very long rant about how TERFs hate ace people and so on (i think it’s worth noticing that although the actual post is kinda long, trans women are never once brought op in a conversation about TERFs issues and the only time transmisogyny is mentioned is not relevant to the conversation)

2. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is nothorses. It reads, "Because apparently I have to say it: Testosterone is not a 'violent' hormone. It doesn't make you 'more aggressive' or a worse person, it doesn't make you 'dangerous,' or 'toxic.' Transmascs do not need to be 'warned of the dangers of T.' We do not need to spend our transitions terrified that we're going to become a danger to those around us - that HRT is going to turn us into a monster.

Everyone experiences mood swings during hormonal shifts (pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, estrogen HRT, etc.) and while you might have grumpy moments or feel anger/frustration that you need to learn to handle differently, that doesn't make you a bad person.

Testosterone can change the way you access/process emotions somewhat, but if you're already thoughtful about how you handle your feelings and treat others, you're going to be fine. It's normal to lash out on occasion, by accident, then apologize and work to do better. It doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone on HRT is prone to this, and everyone experiencing hormonal changes is prone to this.

Getting HRT should be positive and affirming; you should not have to spend your entire transition terrified of becoming a monster."

The post then has a reblog by captainlordauditor that reads, "The big danger of T is that needle ouchy." /END ID]

here’s them reblogging from known transmisogynist user @nothorses (once again, the irony that a post about how testosterone is seen as the "aggressive hormone" does not mention transfem at all which are literally the main victims of this rethoric in the first place)

3. link (1), link (2)

[Image ID: Two screenshots of posts by genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot reads, "Queer exclus: We're not repackaging terf rhetoric! Saying that is transmisogynistic! Also queer exclus: Remove the plus from LGBT!" and has tags that say, "I will pay these people to grow some god damn self awareness. Imagine being this dense. Queer discourse." The post has 15 notes.

The second screenshot reads, "Honestly it is so stupid and frustrating to see ace exclus continue to deny that the ace discourse was started by terfs. Proof was given countless times. And a big name terf like galesofnovember even admitted to starting it. Those of you who demand proof but ignore all of this never wanted proof to begin with." and is tagged with, "ace discourse. The post has 38 notes. /END ID]

heres another two post of theirs conflating TERFs with ace exclusionism

4. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblogged post by furbearingbrick. The original poster is boxlizard, Lucifer's old account. The original post reads, "By the way for people still in denial about it, here's galesofnovember, a terf, admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement. She's taking credit for it. Normally if the victims of this behavior weren't ace/aro or other queer identities y'all be ready to rightfully lynch her. But since it's us, y'all just still wanna stamp your feet and go, 'Nuh uh!' instead of acknowledging facts." The part that says, "admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement" is a link to a galesofnovember post.

There is then a reblogged addition from furbearing brick that reads, "archived versions of the receipts" and has two links to the webarchive. The tags read, "Bringing this back since it's apparently still relevant. Terfism mention. Aphobia mention. Queerphobia mention. Blocklist." and has 1,455 notes. /END ID]

this is their post that ive already talked about but basically they found a 52 notes post made by a TERF in 2012 and this one person said "i dont know why i dont get to be the princess of the anti-ace-brigade" and apparently they are convinced that this means TERFs started the ace exclusionism movement and that this is one of their goals. which is insane when TERFs in real life only care about making life miserable for transfem people first and foremost.

5.link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is yu-gay-fudo. It reads, “Just in case you happen to be unaware, some of the “radfem lite” they post to warm you up to their rhetoric, just off the top of my head:

- Ace/aro exclusionism

- Bi exclusionism or claims that bi people are “less queer” bc of “straight passive privilege”

- Saying you have to be dysphoric to identify as transInvalidating nonbinary people

- Calling queer a slur regardless of context, saying people can’t identify as queer, and saying that it can’t be reclaimed

- “Mogai hell”, “kweer”, or otherwise mocking less common labels and claiming they are “just cishets who want to feel special”

- Excluding sex workers from feminist discussions or claiming that sex work is inherently evil

- Basically anyone who thinks they can determine what other people identify as”. The tags read, "queerphobia tw. twerfs tw. no id." and has 70,727 notes. It was reblogged on March 22nd, 2021 /END ID]

another example of conflating radfems to things that, while wrong, have little to nothing to do with them because being a radfem, again, is something very specific that has all to do with transfem oppression.

Emotional manipulation

Lucifer has done nothing but block, break boundaries, spread lies and vague about people, some of which were even mutuals with them knowing they would see the posts. when confronted about it Lucifer's only answer was "just say you hate me and block me" but they actually ended up blocking everyone first, making it impossible for anyone to set some boundaries with them or even just to calmly confront them about anything.

[proof: Io(popncourse) and Lucifer had a disagreement in a shared discord server, which prompted Lucifer to vague Io in a vent post. Io confronted them, as being vagued is one of buns triggers, to which Lucifer initially agreed to delete the vent post, but then proceeded to victimize themself and immediatly blocked Io. later on, Jude(malewifedeckard) was confronted by Lucifer, then after Jude told them “I’m worried that you’ll vague me just like you did with Io” they proceeded to block Jude and vagued about him too. when Io made a post (which was not a callout, it was just bun setting buns boundaries) explaining what Lucifer did, Lucifer immediatly jumped to victimize themself, acting like they were being called out and straight-up lying, even going so far as to say that no one tried to hear them out, which is a blatant lie if you consider the aforementioned Io and Jude’s attempts at doing so, with Lucifer immediatly blocking and cutting ties with the both of them. ]

(screenshots taken by @popncourse and @malewifedeckard)

as seen in the proof above Lucifer’s behaviour is not ok because they don’t accept any kind of confrontation and immediatly jump to blocking, and after blocking, they'd immediatly go and vague about the people who confronted them pacificly, spreading more lies and painting themself as the victim and even arriving to say “no one hears me out at all” which is simply not something you can say when you block people who are trying to hear you out in the first place.

this is by no means an invitation to go and harass them, send them hate or anything like that. i absolutely don’t want anything even remotely hateful or negative to be sent their way after this post.

this post was only made because:

1. as an ace person who fully supports the inclusion of aspec identities in the lgbt+ community i don’t want to support an enviroment that costantly downplays transmisogynistic oppression in order to be taken seriously. there are hundreds of ways to make aspec activism without acting like we(as in TME aspecs)are the victims of a system that seeks for the annihilation of transfemenine people in real life everyday. i especially don’t want to support TME individuals who act transfem-friendly but then block any transfem who tries to speak on transmisogyny without a second thought.

2. Lucifer’s behaviour has hurt two friends of mine and i don’t want to associate with someone who actively breaks people’s boundaries without taking accountability when messing up.

3. i cannot associate with someone who spreads lies about me accusing me of sympathizing with exclusionists all while having me blocked so that i can’t see it nor defend me. they complain about people not hearing them out but they’re the very first person who does not try to hear people out, and instead jumps to spread baseless rumors. this is not someone i can nor want to associate with.

(image descriptions provided by @malewifedeckard)

#genderfluidlucifer #transmisogyny tw #terfs tw #ask to tag #txt #long post #ok to rb

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th3-z0diac · 3 years

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How I Make Aesthetics.

Long post ahead, sorry :(

In the past, I've been asked multiple times how I create my aesthetics and where do I get the best pictures for them, so I figured I'd make this master post of what exactly I do. Btw this is coming from a person who has studied graphic design for 4 years and had about 4 years of experience in making zodiac collages here on tumblr. Do what you want with that information.

A few disclaimers

There are different types of aesthetics and in this post, I'm going to be specifically talking about a certain type that I like to make. Here, examples:

My most used format is 6 pictures in 3 rows, but I've also tried 4 pictures, like here for example:

There are other types such as minimalistic photos, dark academia, grunge, and SO many more. Please keep in mind that I'm not hating on these types and when I mention a rule such as don't use photos that are too minimalistic, I am not saying that minimalistic aesthetics are wrong or ugly or anything of that sort!

Just because I don't choose a certain photo doesn't mean I don't like it, it just means that the photo is not exactly what I'm looking for. By me showing you the examples below, I'm just trying to paint a picture. No hate here, okay?

I don't own any of the pictures I use (I've only used like one or two of my own photos in the past) but then again this is just for entertainment, I don't make money doing this or anything. If I ever get a message from an owner of any of these photos and they want me to delete it, I will delete it.

Where to get the photos

Pinterest! Period. AHAHAHA

No but seriously, pinterest and tumblr are my two favorite sources and you will find pretty much exactly what you need there. pinterest specifically.

On tumblr, I usually search for hipster, grunge, indie, and nature, but it also helps to just find specific blogs that focus on photography, follow them and then just download anything from your dashboard that you fancy.

I'll share what I search for on pinterest below👇. My secret tip would be to not always go for the first photo you find but rather to open a picture that sorta has what you like in it and then scroll down, because pinterest is going to recommend you similar, sometimes better fitting photos. On tumblr, I sometimes go to the blog of the person whose one photo I like, and there I tend to find many more of the same kind (since these bloggers usually post a specific kind of aesthetic).

How to choose photos

My number one tip would be to seek texture. Avoid photos that have little going on in them and anything too empty or minimalistic (unless that's what you're aiming for, obviously). Also, don't choose pictures that are very light or very dark, as they tend to stand out in aesthetics and that's not really what you want. At least in the type of aesthetics that I make, I want the final product to be almost a new picture in itself if that makes sense. To show you an example, look at this photo of two sleeping cats:

This photo seems like a good fit; it is well balanced in colours (there are shades of white, beige/ginger as well as some greens) and c'mon, it's two cats, what more do you need!!! However, let's look at it in a complete aesthetic:

While this aesthetic has a nice color scheme to it (well, it doesn't, I threw it together super quickly, but you get the gist), the photo of the two cats just stands out because the khaki background creates this kind of block of color that your eye will automatically go to and it sort of breaks the collage apart. So, by texture, I mean that a picture is filled, for example with trees, flowers, architecture, little people in the background, etc., etc. Furthermore, I prefer when there are more things photographed (for instance, look at the first picture of the aesthetic above; it has a mirror (and a tiny person in it), architecture and leaves all in one picture)

Next, personality. Go to Google Images and search 'Nature Photography' or 'Sunset Photos'. You might get something like this:

Or this:

Look at this absolute angel of a boy💚💚💚💚💚💚Isn't he the cutest freaking thing you've ever seen?????? I just want to give him all the treats and all the pets and — ...ehm, sorry, that's not why we're here.

So I don't quite know how to explain this point, but I guess usually professional photos like this are just so well done that they work perfectly well on their own and you usually don't put them in a set (only with other photos from the same photoshoot maybe). They're obviously well-balanced color-wise and high in quality, but they're just very individual and don't really need any addition in the form of other photos. This point also applies to the previous one (textures, in case you forgot); for example, a bunch of blueberries creates a nice texture, however it might be difficult to pair them with other photos. They have enough personality on their own (and this is not meant in a bad way to the photos I do use).

Related to this, you're looking for a story. Usually, if a photo gives off a certain vibe, tells a story, or just leaves any kind of strong impression, it might be a good indication that this is a good photo to use (given all the other rules as well, of course).

The main themes I search for are:

cities, villages, or abandoned places

related to that — architecture or only parts (details) of it

nature, specifically forests with either road or a body of water nearby, beaches, deserts and so on. plus points for tiny people in the distance

animals, usually with the addition of maybe the texture of a sweater sleeve or some blankets, something of that sort

people, my favorite kind is people turned away from the camera with an interesting background, because by them not having a face, they become a bit more relatable in a sense?

people in a river or some kind of water

museums, sculptures

etc.

Usually, I tend to avoid:

photos with text in it (though as an exception I would mention neon signs or letters/words that are for example above shops, on books, etc.)

heavily filtered pictures

photos with very specific (often bold) colors in them, unless you find multiple photos with that same shade. this again distracts the eye too much

GIFs, animated pictures, illustrations/drawings. also, don't use collages (cause you are creating a collage, duh)

black & white pictures

blurred pictures (or those that are purposely grainy — that goes back to the filters above)

anything obviously photoshopped

When trying to figure out where to put each photo

Squint your eyes. The photos should create a nice harmony, there shouldn't be a corner where it gets too light or dark or where some textures blend together, for example, if using multiple flower patterns, try to place them in different corners.

When to know your aesthetic is done

Actually even before you start, you should be in the mood. I have to admit, there have been times where I've felt pressured into making aesthetics, and now, looking back at them, I'm really ashamed of them. That is why I don't always post aesthetics as soon as I get them requested because I genuinely want them to look good.

Sometimes, it helps to not post the aesthetic straight away but to come back to it later with a fresh look. I'd say go with your gut. You should have a good, satisfying feeling about the aesthetic.

Last note

Rules are meant to be broken. Look at the aesthetic below. I used a minimalistic illustration (two birds with one stone I guess) (and admittedly, that one picture does stand out) and yet the aesthetic still came out pretty nice. So, just play around with your ideas and see what you like the most! I'm just a random person on the internet, you literally don't have to listen to any of the tips I gave you here today.

I know this might seem like a lot (honestly, if you've read this entire thing, you're crazy), but it gets easier and easier with practice, soon you won't even think about it.

Hopefully these tips will help you and please let me know if you decide to make any aesthetics. I would love to see them!! <3

#does anyone even care #this post makes me feel like i forgot how to write in english #also #i was thinking we might do this thing where I like... rate your aesthetics?#idk am I being too confident LMAOOOO #oh well #aesthetic #aesthetics #aesthetic masterpost #masterpost #how to #how i create aesthetics #how to create an aessthetic #aesthetic tips #aesthetic advice #collage #collage art #zodiac #astrology

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jikookuntold · 3 years

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Jungkook and His Cover Songs: Is “10000 Hours” about Jimin?

Disclaimer: The following post includes theories, lyric and numeric analysis, plus my personal opinions, so please don’t take anything seriously. I’m too lazy to upload photos and videos for the moments I mentioned here, but I’m sure you know about them all. Any Jikooker must know. And I’m not Korean or a Korean culture expert, I just know as much as any Stan Twitter ARMY knows about their culture.

Anyone?

Maybe one of the biggest Jikook moments of 2021 so far, is where Jimin jumped into Jungkook’s hug, in Lee Hyun’s Vlog. But the other moment on that Vlog was even more significant; Jungkook was singing “Anyone” from Justin Bieber’s new album, and Jimin was harmonizing with him while holding on his shirt. I don’t want to mention their interview moment singing “Peaches” because I know this song is super popular in South Korea right now and somehow it doesn’t count as a moment. But it’s safe to say that Jikook has something special with his songs, and JK in particular always was invested in him.

JK & JB

The reason behind Jungkook’s devotion to Justin Bieber was always a big question for me, and I got my answer not long time ago. Jungkook’s playlist for Melon Radio Station included a song from JB’s new album named “Lonely”. This is one of the most personal songs any artist can ever make, and JK recommended it to his audience. Here are the lyrics of “Lonely” by Justin Bieber:

Everybody knows my name now

But somethin' 'bout it still feels strange

Like lookin' in a mirror, tryna steady yourself

And seein' somebody else

And everything is not the same now

It feels like all our lives have changed

Maybe when I'm older, it'll all calm down

But it's killin' me now

What if you had it all, but nobody to call?

Maybe then you'd know me

'Cause I've had everything

But no one's listening

And that's just lonely

I'm so lonely, lonely

Everybody knows my past now

Like my house was always made of glass

And maybe that's the price you pay

For the money and fame at an early age

And everybody saw me sick

And it felt like no one gave

They criticized the things I did as an idiot kid

What if you had it all, but nobody to call?

Maybe then you'd know me

'Cause I've had everything

But no one's listening

And that's just lonely

These lyrics made me think of one specific thing, the thing that JK and JB have in common: They started their careers at a very young age, and their lives have been under the scrutiny of so many people. These people judged and criticized them but never tried to understand them. The lyrics are straightforward and leave no place for interpretation. By recommending this song, JK showed that he had (and probably still has) the same experiences in his life, and I think the reason he recommends or covers JB’s songs more than any other artist is that he has many things in common with him, and feels connected to his songs.

This can lead us to another theory: By covering a Justin Bieber song, Jungkook shares something about himself with us, something that he can’t express directly.

Jungkook is interested in JB’s songs, but he is not the only one. As I said earlier in this post, Jimin shares the same taste with Jungkook, and my receipt is not just that “Anyone” or “Peaches” harmonizing moments, but also Jimin’s Spotify playlists. Since 2017 (or earlier, I’m not sure about this part) he has added some JB songs to his official playlist, and even his current playlist (July 2021) has two JB songs. And also let’s not forget the fact that Jikook as a subunit started in 2014 with a JB cover. Yes, I’m talking about “Mistletoe” and as you may know, Jimin translated the lyrics of this song to Korean.

10000 Hours

Nearly 700 words and I haven’t started yet! The subject of this post was supposed to be the connections between “10000 hours” cover and Jikook but this prelude was necessary to clarify all the aspects of the topic and we find out how JB is special for JK and Jimin and how they (especially Jungkook) feel connected to him. Anyways, back to 10000 hours:

Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber released this Grammy winner song in October 2019. Here are the lyrics:

Do you love the rain, does it make you dance

When you're drunk with your friends at a party

What's your favorite song, does it make you smile

Do you think of me?

When you close your eyes, tell me, what are you dreamin'?

Everything, I wanna know it all

I'd spend ten thousand hours and ten thousand more

Oh, if that's what it takes to learn that sweet heart of yours

And I might never get there, but I'm gonna try

If it's ten thousand hours or the rest of my life

I'm gonna love you

Do you miss the road that you grew up on?

Did you get your middle name from your grandma?

When you think about your forever now, do you think of me?

When you close your eyes, tell me, what are you dreamin'?

Everything, I wanna know it all

I'd spend ten thousand hours and ten thousand more

Oh, if that's what it takes to learn that sweet heart of yours

And I might never get there, but I'm gonna try

If it's ten thousand hours or the rest of my life

I'm gonna love you

Ooh, want the good and the bad and everything in between

Ooh, gotta cure my curiosity

Ooh, yeah

I'd spend ten thousand hours and ten thousand more

Oh, if that's what it takes to learn that

Sweet heart of yours

And I might never get there, but I'm gonna try

If it's ten thousand hours or the rest of my life

I'm gonna love you

And I'm gonna love you

As you can see, the lyrics are 100% romantic, and the singers including JB, have dedicated this song to their lovers. Also, their girlfriends/wives have a cameo in the MV, which leaves no place for speculation for the context of the song: Even though the uncertainties always exist and no one knows about the future, our love is strong and will stay strong regardless of time.

The Cover and the Theories

Nearly one year later, on July 28th, 2020, Jungkook surprised ARMYs with a short video he tweeted at 11:56 AM. That video was a 49 seconds cover of 10000 hours. A few minutes later, he deleted the tweet (apparently with the advertisement excuses, because it was tweeted from an iPhone and they have a contract with Samsung). Later that night, Jungkook released the full version on Sound Cloud and tweeted the link at 11:47 PM.

Jikookers discovered numerous theories that day about the times of both tweets; if you add the digits of the time, the result is “13” for both tweets 1+1+4+7=13, 1+1+5+6=13, and as you already know “13” is Jikook’s magic number. Also, the first video he tweeted was 49 seconds and 4+9=13. But in my opinion, this theory is not strong. I know that numerology is very popular in Korean culture but still, all of this can be coincidences, but the other things I’m going to bring up are most likely not.

28th July 2020 was the 7th anniversary of the first Jikook selca posted after debut. This also might be a coincidence and to be honest, it cannot be a strong link to make a connection with Jikook, but worths sharing.

The next thing that many Jikookers also pointed out, was related to the title of the song. The lyrics say “10000 hours and 10000 more” and 20000 hours after the 28th of July is 8th November 2022. As you may know. Jikookers believe November 8th is a significant date for Jikook. I believe this can be a coincidence either, and it’s very unlikely of Jungkook to do such calculations (Koreans are interested in numbers when it comes to days and dates, but counting hours is not usual in any culture. Other than that, I’m still doubtful about the origins of the November 8th theory because we have nothing other than two tweets and G.C.F Tokyo release date and their hotel room in Tokyo which still can be coincidental). But I don’t deny these theories because even as a coincidence, it’s still very interesting.

And the next theory is connected to the “Red Moon”. On 27th July 2018, a total lunar eclipse happened all over the world, which became known as the red moon. At that time, BTS were in Malta, and on the same night, Jikook were watching the red moon on a boat. They shared plenty of photos and videos of that moment and I’m sure as a Jikooker you have seen them all and you know that night had a very romantic mood (BigHit words, not mine) for Jikook. So, a second anniversary for that night and the day after that night can be a significant date to release a very romantic cover. Is this a coincidence too? I think we had many of them already.

And last but not least is something connected to Korean culture. You probably know that 1000 days anniversaries are very important for Koreans and they celebrate them along with real anniversaries of the important dates in their lives. And guess what? 27th July 2020 is 1000 days after 31 October 2017. This day is the day Jikook’s travel to Tokyo ended and they posted their couply mirror selca on Twitter with flower bouquet emoji. Despite the one-day difference (the same case for the red moon anniversary), this is not a minor event or small coincidence. I believe Jungkook posted “10000 hour” cover for this reason and based on this, the other theories I mentioned earlier can be true either.

The lyrics hit different if you read them again, after knowing this fact. Right? I don’t want to make this post much longer but before wrapping up, I want to talk about the lyrics of “Anyone” by JB (the song Jikook were harmonizing in Lee Hyun’s Vlog):

Dance with me under the diamonds

See me like breath in the cold

Sleep with me here in the silence

Come kiss me, silver and gold

You say that I won't lose you

But you can't predict the future

So, just hold on like you will never let go

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Looking back on my life

You're the only good I've ever done (ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (anyone)

Not anyone

Forever's not enough time to (oh)

Love you the way that I want (love you the way that I want)

'Cause every morning I find you (oh)

I fear the day that I don't

You say that I won't lose you

But you can't predict the future

'Cause certain things are out of our control

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love

Only one (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you it's not anyone

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Looking back on my life

You're the only good I've ever done (I've ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

It's not anyone, not anyone

Oh, oh, oh, oh

If it's not you, it's not anyone

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, whoa

Yeah, you are the only one I'll ever love

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya) gotta tell ya

Looking back on my life

You're the only good I've ever done (ever done, oh, yeah)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

If you read the lyrics, you will notice that the context is very similar to “10000 hours”. It talks about the uncertainties of a beautiful love or in other words: No matter what the future brings to us, this love will last forever.

This context of uncertainty and unknown future for a romance is a common concept in many of the songs Jungkook has covered and it’s not limited to the Justin Bieber covers he has done and maybe this concept can be the topic for my next analysis.

#jikook #jikookanalysis #jimin #jungkook

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omg-imagine · 3 years

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Forget Me Not (Part 12/15)

Pairing: Keanu Reeves x Reader

Summary: After you wake up from a coma and realize that your memories from the last five years have been erased, Keanu works to bring back what you have lost.

Words: 4.7k

Warnings: Angst, language

A/N: Kinda nervous posting again since it’s been a while, but we’re winding down to the end of this story with only three more parts to go (2 chapters + an epilogue). As always, feedback is appreciated. Thanks for sticking around, and I hope you enjoy!

Part 11

Home.

You are home. It’s supposed to be home.

But it wasn’t. To you, it couldn’t be.

This place feels too far from home, too foreign. You had no memories of it, no recollection of the safety and security it offers. Not even the faintest remembrance of the laughter, smiles, and tears; the fondness and the sadness these four walls have witnessed over the years.

You can’t call it home. You don’t know where home is, and you’re not sure you have one anymore.

Not after leaving him behind.

It’s cold and dark when you first wake, sleep weighing heavily in your eyes. A pair of curtains block out the sun from filtering into the room, leaving you to wonder if you had slept through half the day. With a yawn, you stretch, the bed underneath creaking as your body fully rouses from yet another night of fitful slumber. Almost a month back in New York, and it doesn’t make sense to keep blaming your lack of energy on the time difference.

The ache is still ever-present. The pain caused by the void in your heart remains, sharply throbbing in your chest with its refusal to go away. Two heartbreaks, two betrayals, occurring five years apart, but it feels as though not much time has passed in-between.

It hurts to ponder about it, that evening when your seemingly perfect little world came crashing down. Hiding behind rose-tinted glasses, you were unknowingly tricked, fully caught up in a well-crafted illusion. His illusion. Love has blinded you to the sad reality, and in the end, it left you a shattered mess, a hollow shell of your former self.

You doubt you’ll ever be whole again.

Forcing yourself out from under the covers, you reach for your phone on the nightstand to check the time before scrolling through your notifications. Nothing was of interest to you, fortunately; you didn’t have the energy to respond to those you suddenly abandoned. Friends who cared about you but realized you were never close to them. Not in the way it used to be.

As you skimmed over the new texts and emails, you then came across his now unsaved number. The moment you stepped on the plane, you deleted his contact from your phone and blocked him. Yet the last messages he sent to you were still there and haven’t been read since, though you already knew what they could entail—

I’m sorry.

It was never my intention to hurt you.

Please give me another chance.

Let me fix this.

Just come back, Y/N. Come back home.

Home. There was that damn word again. You were beginning to loathe it, even more so knowing that whenever you think of home, you wind up thinking of him.

The last time you saw him was the morning after the storm. Booking a one-way ticket back to the east coast, you then spent the early hours packing as many clothes that would fit in a single suitcase. Tears had long since dried up, having none left as you headed down the stairs, ignoring the look he gave you from afar.

He was dressed in the outfit he had on the night prior; his hair disheveled, eyes bloodshot, and it was quite obvious he endured no sleep. Your resolve nearly crumbles as your gazes connect, bodies close enough that he could reach out the slightest bit, and he’d be holding your hand in the palm of his.

Fighting the urge, you didn’t cave in. You couldn’t allow yourself to fall for it—for him.

No, never again.

As expected, he followed you out of the house, remaining quiet as he watched the cab driver load your luggage in the trunk. You paid him no attention when he approached the vehicle once you climbed in, wanting nothing more than to escape this nightmare. With nowhere else to go and no one to turn to, you decided it was best to leave California, not that you belonged there anyway.

It played out like a scene from a movie—the taxi pulling out of the driveway slowly as the raindrops started to fall. Hearing him call out your name, his voice cracking with each syllable, made you hesitate for a beat. Perhaps you could forgive him, you had thought in that split-second. Forgive and forget; let what happened in the past stay in the past.

But even if you did, the pain’s still there, and it was overpowering. This pain resulting from his deception had been too consuming, too unbearable to move on.

You told the driver to hurry as you couldn’t afford to miss your flight.

The atmosphere in the car was fraught with grim silence. As the house sequestered in the hills vanishes in the rearview mirror, you knew you were running away from it all. You couldn’t stand being here in LA, where every turn, every corner, and every street reminds you of a life that wasn’t truly yours.

As idyllic it once was, you wanted no part of it anymore. Instead, you sought for familiarity, the life you used to have, the one you could only remember.

What you thought was your real home.

Unable to hold it in any longer, you had broken down in the backseat, never feeling more alone than you did at that moment.

You wish you could forget, but it’s not that easy. It’s never easy. Memories of him linger in your mind, still tragically fresh as they haunt you day in and day out. Closing your eyes, you could see him wearing this smile that used to make your stomach flutter. You came to love his smile the same way you had loved him wholly.

Now? Seeing it was a stab to the heart—a reminder of how he took advantage of your condition, your vulnerability. Of every lie you were fed. That smile, the one you previously hoped to wake up to for the rest of your life, had been an act, a facade.

Everything had been a facade.

A sudden knock on the door startles you, and you clicked off the phone screen before announcing to whoever that they could come in. Your mother Nancy enters soon after, her face displaying concern when she realizes you had just woken up. She’s silent as she walks towards the window and then pushes the curtains aside, the sunlight outside immediately washing over the room.

Briefly, you squint to adjust to the brightness, a confirmation that it was past noon already—another wasted day.

“Hey, darling,” she speaks softly as she moves to sit on the mattress beside you. “How are you doing?”

There’s no point in lying, but as much as you greatly appreciated her caringness, you didn’t want to burden her with your problems. They were yours to deal with and yours alone.

“Better.” And that, you were. Just a week ago, you finally stopped crying yourself to sleep. “I might even go out tomorrow and look for a job. Can’t keep freeloading under your roof, right?”

You release a half-chuckle, a small attempt to lighten up the mood. It was comforting when your mother cracks a smile in response.

“Oh, hush. You’re always welcome to stay as long as you need to,” she assures, a loving warmth radiating from her tone.

Lips pressing together, you sense that she has another thing to address. “What’s wrong?”

Nancy pauses to take a breath, shoulders rising and falling. For some reason, you’re on edge, finding yourself bracing for what was to come.

“Have you spoken to Keanu lately?”

Upon hearing his name, you swallowed away the lump in your throat. After telling your parents what had transpired, it stirred up various emotions—mainly anger from your father, sorrow from your mom. Their hearts sank as you recounted the story, tears blurring your eyes that you couldn’t see their faces. It was a good thing, however; you probably wouldn’t have reached the end.

Since then, they’ve refrained from speaking of him and to him. He’s called the house on a few occasions but could never get past the automated answering machine. Pictures of the two of you hanging on the walls were taken down shortly after the revelation, and you were unsure of who had done it.

Your parents still couldn’t believe he was capable of such a thing. He had played them the same way you were, twisting the truth and omitting facts. Painting himself in a way that made them think allowing you to stay with him was the best decision when just months before he treated you as if you didn’t matter.

As if he didn’t love you.

“No.” Curt, you had nothing else to say.

“He’s a persistent one, I’ll tell you that. Left another message last night,” Nancy comments, feeling her stare as you fiddled with the hands in your lap. The next time she speaks, it’s slow and controlled. She’s careful with her words, wary of how you would react to what she has to say. “Hon, the last time you were here, you told me something. Something that I probably should have mentioned the day you woke up in the hospital.”

You tense, eyes flickering up to hers. “What is it?”

She sighs deeply, her smile fleeting and replaced by a taut frown. “I knew you and Keanu were having… problems. Not the full story, but enough that told me you’ve been unhappy for a while.”

“W-Why didn’t you bring this up then?”

“Because the second I saw him in your hospital room, I could see how much he loves you. How scared he was at the thought of nearly losing you—”

“Pfft, sure he was,” you scoff at the statement in disbelief. “What he did—you don’t do that to someone you love. You don’t lie to them, betray them. Hell, if you had given me a heads up earlier, then it would have saved me all this trouble.”

“Y/N—”

“Don’t you get it? He’s an actor. Of course, he’s good at playing pretend. Got us all believing that things were all sunshine and rainbows. He fucked up and fucked up even more by lying. I’ve always had a bad track record in relationships, so I shouldn’t have been too surprised.”

Tension hangs thickly in the air, an apology murmured at the end of a passing second. You didn’t mean to snap at your mother, to let the anger and betrayal consume you that you began taking it out on others although unwillingly.

But you were just too goddamn hurt. Every day, the memories are suffocating you despite constantly wishing and pleading for them to disappear. That life, the one you had with Keanu, no longer exists, and yet you were still holding onto the frayed remains of it, not ready to move on—to let go.

You grieve. You grieve and mourn for the recent past, the happiness and love you experienced in the time you were left unaware. Never have you felt so complete, so content, and much at ease. You had turned a blind eye to the signs, to the small inklings of doubt brewing inside because you thought that there was no way you could get something else as close to this.

Perhaps you were both to blame after all.

“I thought he was different,” you whisper, sorrow flowing from your words. “I thought he was the one. The man I’d settle down with, marry, and then maybe someday, be the father of my kids. We’d build an entire life together, a family, a future. The kind of life where I could look back on it fifty years from now when we’re old and gray and not regret a single thing.”

Feeling your mother’s hand come on top of yours with a light squeeze, you fought off the tears forcing their way from your eyes. You swore you would never shed a tear for Keanu ever again, but you are crumbling from within. The weak walls you put up are now tumbling down, leaving you even more vulnerable than before.

“I want to hate him. I want him to feel my pain and suffer through it, knowing that he’s the reason why. But I can’t. Somehow, I just can’t.”

“It’s because you still love him. No matter how much it hurts, you’re still in love with him,” Nancy adds solemnly, and you nod shakily. “You’re healing, dear. So far, all you’ve done is put on a bandaid, but it doesn’t mean the wound closes up immediately. It’ll burn, it’ll bleed, and it’ll ache, and right now, that’s what you’re feeling; the pain of a fresh open wound.”

“Make the pain stop,” you mumbled incoherently as you lean against your mom’s side, wet cheeks pressed to her shoulder. “It has to stop.”

“And it will,” she promises, listening to your soft and tired cries. “It’ll take time for the wound to heal, but eventually, it will. Until then, life continues, and you would have to as well. You don’t have to go all-in right away, but don’t let this heartbreak hinder you from living, sweetie. You’re strong, and I believe you will feel that same happiness again, in one form or another. But you won’t find it unless you go out and look for it.”

For the first time in what seemed like a while, you felt something other than loss and despair. It creeps into you slowly, half-expecting a cold, crushing weight to fall heavily on your chest rather than the warmth and light it is. But as quickly as it came, the sensation subsides, a wave of loneliness, emptiness filling the vacant space surrounding your heart.

A shuddering breath released, you then reflect upon what your mother said about time and how time heals all wounds. You wonder how much time is needed until you can finally break free from the remnants of the past and breathe again. Could be days, weeks, or even months more, but it’s right there, waiting for you on the horizon.

You may not have a place to call home, but what you do have is time.

---

Seconds turn into minutes; minutes turn into hours. The sun sets, the moon rises; bright, blues skies bleed into a fiery red before dimming to an inky darkness. The world spins on its axis as people wake, move, then sleep, and the cycle begins all over again.

Two weeks have come and gone, and life pushes onward. You could tell by the scenery outside where the season of fall has taken charge of the Northeast. Days are shorter, with nights stretching out longer as the year fades into winter. Time was flying by at a brisk pace. Very soon, a blanket of snow will cover the ground you walk on, reminding you to take a step back and admire the natural beauty of mid-November.

The crispness of the late afternoon air is refreshing as it fills your lungs, a welcome change from the hazy summer heat. Leaves that were once lively shades of green are now painted in deep hues of amber and burgundy, and they crunch beneath your boots with each leisure step down the earthy path. The nearby lake is as pristine as ever, sparkling freely underneath the rays of the ochre sun as it waits for the impending frost.

Wandering about outdoors for hours now, you were lost in your stream of thoughts. You honestly felt better, not entirely mended, but just enough that you can step out of the house and explore the quaint little town. A picturesque place, it was a perfect settlement for your retired parents where everyone knew everybody; their faces, names, the street they lived on. Boilding down to more personal details such as knowing the pets they owned, which book club they’re a part of, and any recent travels.

When the townsfolk saw you, you sensed the feeling of familiarity. Those you passed by in the streets waved at you, and though you couldn’t exactly recall your relationship with them, it made you smile. Recently, old friends and family in the area had begun reaching out after hearing you were back. You never gave them the full explanation, only revealing that things in California did not work out, and you figured it was best to leave.

Was it a permanent decision? Most likely. Life here is simpler, quieter. You enjoyed the peacefulness, favoring the calm atmosphere of this town much over the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles. It gave you space to think, to focus, to breathe. To reacquaint with yourself, rebuild who you are as a person by taking this journey of self-discovery.

It’s the brand new start you desperately wanted, needed. An opportunity to find your place in this world without the past holding you back. Without the shadow of the woman you once were looming over you. And if your memories don’t ever return, which deep down, you hope they never would, you would be fine with it.

You were tired of being stuck searching pieces of the past. You had to live.

Trekking up the gravel road leading to your parents’ home, a black car sits on top of the hill, one that you did not recognize. Perplexed, you approached the house with hesitant steps, dragging your feet through the pile of dead and dry leaves. There was a moment of panic when you noticed a man sitting on the front porch steps, hands clasped on his knees as he hung his head low, a curtain of dark hair masking his identity.

But you don’t need to think twice, for you already know who it is.

“Keanu?”

His name slipping out of your mouth feels different now. Gone is the affectionate tone that it was usually spoken in. It held no meaning, void of any warmth or tenderness. Keanu, the name is bitter on your tongue, a poison that could cause you to spiral down yet again, and saying it out loud brought upon a rage that swirls through your veins.

How dare he show up here unannounced?

As you take your breaths, one… two… three... and out, Keanu straightens his posture and meets your stern glare. Slowly, he gets up, the expression on his face hard to read. But aside from that, he looked worse for wear. The bags underneath his eyes were dark and prominent, the beard on his chin was unruly and untamed. He appears gaunt and exhausted, as if he hasn’t slept a wink ever since you walked out of the door and out of his life.

“What the hell are you doing here?” You’re the first to break the thick silence, a testament of your bravery and strength of some sort. Brows furrowing and teeth gritting in anger, it contrasts with Keanu’s lax demeanor as he steps closer. “No, stay back. You have no right to be here right now.”

“Y/N, please...” He speaks calmly, each and every one of his movements measured. “I’m not here to fight—”

“I have nothing to say to you,” you seethed, shaking your head as you stormed past him and towards the door. Tears brew in your cloudy eyes, a sign of how much he still affected you. Seeing him again after all this time only proved that the wound he had inflicted bleeds to this day.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Keanu quickly trails from behind, his voice dripping with utter desperation. “Please, just… give me a chance to talk. All you have to do is listen, and I promise you won’t ever have to see me again.”

The seriousness in his timbre causes you to halt in your tracks. Swallowing dryly, you turn around, sad, tired eyes reaching his guilt-filled ones. Keanu stands before you with a face written in despair, making him barely recognizable. The way he’s staring at you as if he’s hopeless and in pure anguish is unsettling, and you almost pitied him for it.

“Y/N…” He pleads softly, defeatedly. “Hear me out, please.”

You wrestled between your options, half apathetic, half curious of what Keanu had to say. Unspoken words on the tip of his tongue, he mutely begs for you to relent, and if this is all it takes for him to leave you alone, leave you for good, then so be it.

“Ten minutes,” you muttered, low enough that he barely catches it at first. Crossing your arms against your chest, the gentle autumn wind rustling through the trees pierces the silent air as you observe Keanu staggering forward, a hand rubbing at the nape of his neck.

“I’m sorry,” he begins, gazing at you with his searching brown eyes. “I-I know saying it a thousand times won’t make a difference, but I really am sorry. What I did before and after the accident was inexcusable and selfish. I hurt you, and I will never forgive myself that. Don’t expect you to do so, either. You probably hate my guts right now, and flying out here might be a mistake, but I needed to talk to you in person. To say goodbye one last time.”

Brushing his hair back, Keanu then pads over to the trunk of the car, and all you can do is wait for him to come back. It doesn’t take long, but he makes two trips to unload two boxes, setting each of them down in the space separating you two. He instantly notices the confusion etched across your features, burying his hands in his coat pocket with an exhale.

“Are those—”

“All the things you left behind,” Keanu finishes feebly. “Thought you would want them back.”

Stunned, a mirthless chuckle escapes your throat. “You didn’t have to do this. Those aren’t my things anyway.”

“But they are—”

“They’re not mine,” you cut him off with a weary gaze. “Keanu, I’ve said this before; I’m not the woman you fell in love with. Not anymore. Look, throughout those months we spent together, I tried to fit into this life everyone told me I had. A life that’s far from what I was used to. God, it feels like a dream being her. So confident, happy, and successful. Waking up from the coma, of course, I would want that. I had just gotten out of a terrible relationship which left me broken and unworthy of anything and anyone. Then you showed me the love I thought I didn’t deserve, and it kept me from realizing that it was all too good to be true.”

Eyes faltering to the ground, your fingers fumbled with the hem of your sweater, ultimately distracting yourself from the tears threatening to fall. “The truth is, I didn’t know you. You were, are, a stranger to me. You had done things behind my back, hid details that would have been a deal-breaker, but you didn’t care. I’ve thought about it a lot lately; would I have stayed if you told me from the very beginning. I wasn’t sure if I was madder at you kissing someone else, knowing how much it would hurt me, or the fact that you lied to fix this—us.”

There is a moment of silence that weighs over everything. The wind stops blowing; the leaves are motionless. Time seems to slow around you and Keanu as he waits for your next words. Words that you are still searching for since you hadn’t prepared to voice those thoughts out loud. They all came rushing, flooding like a broken dam, too overwhelming to keep at bay.

“Which one is it?” Keanu probes delicately, equally afraid of which answer you’re going to give.

“Neither,” you revealed, surprisingly. “I’m angrier at myself for falling too fast; for being the naive little girl who let herself be fooled, who refused to listen to her instincts even though she knew they were usually right.”

You see Keanu open his mouth to speak, but you weren’t done. “I always believed this accident was a curse. It erased years worth of memories that, at this point, I’ll never get back. But now, I see the good that came out of it. Our fights, our arguments, they were all signs that our relationship was falling apart, but I couldn’t let go of it—of you. I held onto us thinking the bad will just phase out eventually when in reality, I couldn’t bear giving up on you and this life we shared.”

Another pause. “Huh, funny. Looking at it, the same thing happened all over again.”

With that said, you felt relieved, somewhat lighter. Despite previous inclinations, you didn’t shout or yell at Keanu. Nor did you discuss to the fullest extent of the suffering you’ve endured. Strangely, it was nearly therapeutic admitting all of that to him, to yourself. For months, you had been unable to let go and accept the truth, allowing fear and doubt to control your actions.

But that was then, and this is now.

And now, it was time for you to be free.

“Guess this is it,” Keanu sighs dejectedly. He didn’t come here to win you back, knowing there’s nothing that he could do or say to repair the damage. Like you, he’s letting go, letting this be the closure he needs, and you need as well. “I guess this is goodbye.”

“Yeah,” you agreed quietly, “Guess this is goodbye.”

Before you could leave his sight to spare Keanu the awkwardness, he holds up a finger, signaling you to wait a second. Swiftly, he goes to retrieve something that’s lying on the front seat, something that you’ve spent countless hours flipping through. He then reluctantly passes it over to you, and you’re unsure what to do with it.

“Your pictures,” he points out, though you were already aware. “I’m not trying to be an asshole or anything by giving this, but this book is yours. Keep it, burn it, do whatever seems right to you. But I want you to know, to remember, that I did love you. I still do, and these photos are proof of it, even if you can’t bring yourself to believe that I’m telling the truth. You deserve love and to be loved, Y/N. More than anything in the universe. I fucked up my chance to be the one to tell you that every day, but it doesn’t mean the next person you fall for will.”

“Ke…” your voice suddenly breaks with emotion, uncertain of what to add after his statement. It’s because you still love him. No matter how much it hurts, you’re still in love with him, your mother’s earlier words echo in your mind, ringing true in your heart. Even after everything, a piece of you still loved Keanu, and saying goodbye to him more painful than you anticipated.

As you stand frozen, Keanu inches nearer until he’s by your feet, the palm of his hand coming to rest on your cheek. He strokes your face with a tender caress before tilting your chin upwards to meet his gaze, brushing his thumb along your lower lip gently. You allow him to have this moment, to hold you and study you for a final time, commit you to memory as this would be the last.

Eyes fluttering shut, you feel him press a soft kiss on your forehead, the warmth of it immediately spreading throughout your body before he slowly pulls away.

“Take care of yourself, Y/N,” Keanu says, opening the driver’s side door of his rental. You look at each other once more and see the subtle, hopeful smile he shoots your way. “And don’t be afraid to love again.”

You watch as he starts driving away, opting to wait until the car is finally out of view before releasing the breath you didn’t know you were holding.

In your hands is a keepsake of your memories. A collection of captured moments that you had cherished so dearly. But things are different now; mistakes were made, words were said, people have grown apart. You found no reason to linger in the past when there’s nothing left to salvage.

Nothing left to do but heal.

The warmth of Keanu’s kiss eventually disappears, the world around you unpausing, continuing as it was before. You stay standing in place, glancing back and forth between the book you clutched on tightly and the boxes laying on the ground.

Yet in the quietude, the wind still blows. The leaves still fall, and the earth still spins.

Time resumes, bit by bit; passing for life to move forward—

For you to move on.

Part 13

Tags: @penwieldingdreamer @fanficsrusz @toomanystoriessolittletime @awessomness @meetmeinthematinee @ringa-starr @ficsnroses @iworshipkeanureeves @keandrews @greenmanalishi @feminine-machinegun @thehumanistsdiary @lilyette @rdjloverxxx @flaminasteroid @danceoftwowolves @ravenpuff02 @wheretheriversrunintothesea @breakthenight @allie1804-fan @partypoison00

#keanu reeves x reader #keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves imagine #keanu reeves x you #keanu reeves

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fragileizywriting · 2 years

Text

okay. hi. good morning! here's the plan for us. stick with me.

i've got a lot of stuff to post starting january, like [redacted], and a birthday gift fic that i've been writing behind the scenes, and i'm also going back to school, so this is going to be fun. this is going to be very fun. my weeks are going to be filled, so, in order to relieve some of the load i'm going to use january/february to let me rewrite DL.

do not worry!

i will not be deleting the original! and i will not be rewriting the fic in the original fic! i will be posting an entirely new fic, and i will link it in the original's summary/description/at the end of the fic.

i'm not completely sold on the idea just yet, but i might also be taking the original DL out of the series list. i'm not sure. i feel bad taking it out, but also, it might be annoying to first-time readers to accidentally read the same fic (with lots of changes) back to back. let me know if you have a solution, because i'd love to keep them in the same series. should i put it in the front, as #1? or should i put it in the back? i'm unclear :(

here's a preview of what the rewrite will have changed (non-exhausting list):

* better chapter distribution! i'll be using the actual chapter count (meaning, how i wrote it in my document), instead of lumping three chapters in at a time. the real chapter count for DL is 16. i think it's only the last chapter that has a stupid weird imbalance of words? maybe? i'll fix that too.

* luka will have his proper age mentioned (no more saying he's 3,000 years older than adrien)! luka will mention his bad back (caused by his aching wings!) his wings will be mentioned!

* adrien will bring up how he is suspicious of luka's bad back! adrien will bring up part of the over-arcing plot via a letter he got from back home but decided to trash (that's why he's late and why he's in a grumpy mood!) "you're here late. what happened?" "got a letter from my dad." "ah. what did gabriel want?" "i hate how you call him gabriel. i'm not defending him, i'm just genuinely curious, what's your beef with him?" "he's always hated me first." "we're going to talk about it." "maybe. one day." "no, we're definitely going to talk about it. i'm getting impatient, you know." "yeah, don't worry. i've lost my own patience about a couple hundred thousand years ago, too."

* chloe, the random human, will change species!

* marinette will be more bold with her affection towards adrien, including be much more physical-- the "bet"/contract will change, too!

* alya will know about The Secret that marinette is hiding!

* nino will actually make an appearance in this fic instead of being a referenced character!! he's too much of an angel for me to just leave out ;_;

* marinette and nathaniel will have a genuine conversation! adrien will hate him anyway! nathaniel will mention that he's been looking for her since she left, and mention the confusion because lila said "you've apologized, you can go home now!" to which marinette goes "what do you mean i apologized? what the hell did i apologize for?" nathaniel will also bring up genuine, valid points about how "making her wait until adrien can tell her the truth" isn't what love is! marinette will actually mention and do something about the synthetics that nathaniel is taking, and bring that plot back to DL like i'd wanted to but forgot about!

* marinette and adrien will also have a genuine conversation! adrien will apologize for making her wait so long while she continued to waste away, all because he couldn't get his act together! "is this why you were leaving for rome?" "it's also why i couldn't tell you, because you'd make a decision based on a time-crunch, not because you wanted to."

* nathaniel will actually be able to say goodbye to her when she asks adrien and luka to come over, instead of just kinda disappearing like in the original!

* more (so much more!) and better (so much better!) smut! including marinette pulling the side of luka's shirt to see his tattoo in the car (like i had wanted to but didn't because that felt too weird at the time), including some [fingers crossed] specific smut that i didn't write because i was too shy to write it at the time. i still am, but i'm hoping the February Me will be a little bit better at the nerves than Last Year Me was-- like, honestly, the amount of places i've tried to psyche myself up into putting this specific idea in has been astronomically high. i tried in DL... i tried in Succubus Giftin'... i tried in Color Coordinatin'... lord. maybe i'll take the chance this time.

alright, that's all i've got. let me know your thoughts-- if you have any suggestions for changes, or anything of the sort. this isn't the full list, but it's like, the big changes? the ones that i'm positive that i'm going to make? these are all the ones that have been super duper bothering me, at least, and are the ones i could immediately think of at the top of my head.

#speakizys #demon lovin

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hippohead · 3 years

Text

You Can Have Manhattan

hello! this is sad! angst! blaine is sad! blangst! i’m sorry! only read this if you want some s6 break up angst! i’ve posted this on ao3 twice and deleted it both times because it’s sad but i wanted it to have a life somewhere, so here we go!

Blaine hadn’t been here since – well, that night.

He’d sort of blocked it out, to be honest. It was a memory that fit into a very desperate part of last year and one that he was more than happy to forget about once he and Kurt had worked through it. He was proud of them that they had.

He didn’t feel proud of them right now. His anger has subsided, sure, but it had just been replaced by a brokenness that felt like shards and he was pretty sure some of the pieces were scattered around the city. The idea of ever putting himself back together again felt hopeless, and out of reach.

He pushed into the piano bar and tried to fight the feeling that rushed into his bones when he took in the familiar surroundings. It was full of people and someone was singing an Elton John song terribly out-of-tune. The atmosphere was warm and fun, and Blaine had never felt more cold or hollow in his life. He was just here to sing one song, some sort of poetic notion he couldn’t get out of his head, before he left the city for good. It didn’t belong to him anymore.

He made his way up to the bar, steadying a drunk girl who gripped onto his biceps too tightly and didn’t seem to mind in the slightest that she’d fallen into Blaine. He tried to smile politely at her once she was stable, but he was sure it just looked pained. He ordered a whiskey and drank it, and then drank three more.

Finally, after numerous bad renditions of Queen songs, there was a gap at the piano bench and he quickly filled it. He might as well get this over with. He started fiddling with the keys, playing a silly melody, working his fingers over them until he knew this piano again.

Kurt wasn’t here this time to hear his sad song, but it was for Kurt nonetheless. His songs always were for Kurt, and maybe they always would be.

He took a deep breath and started to play the tune.

You can have Manhattan I know it’s for the best I’ll gather up the avenues And leave them on your doorstep

That’s all it took – four lines and a tear was already falling down his cheek. He wanted to wipe it away but his hands were busy playing the notes, and he’d already cried in this spot before. What was once more?

And I’ll tip toe away So you won’t have to say You heard me leave

And he had. He’d waited until he knew Kurt was in class to pack up all of his stuff. Sam had already moved back home, so he’d arranged to stay with a loose friend from NYADA. It had only been a temporary solution and he knew he’d need to figure something out long-term, but then his grades had slipped and it had felt like he had nothing left to give to music.

Maybe this song was all he had left.

You can have Manhattan I know it’s what you want The bustle and the buildings The weather in the fall And I’ll bow out of place To save you some space For somebody new

The whole room had gone silent. He wondered if he should tell them all that if Kurt found someone new, the rest of him would shatter.

You can have Manhattan ‘Cause I can’t have you

He almost had to stop there, or at least pause. He’d been through this before; not having Kurt, and it wasn’t something he ever thought he’d have to go through again. But then the next lyrics were falling from his lips, and so he continued on.

You can have Manhattan The one we used to share The one where we were laughing And drunk on just being there

As he finished off the verse, singing about holding on to the reverie’s and daydreams and being too sad to do that, he wondered if he’d take it all back. If it would have been easier to have never had Kurt in New York. To have never had New York with Kurt.

You can have Manhattan ‘Cause I can’t have you

But he knew he wouldn’t take it back, not for anything, because no matter how much this hurts, at least he had everything he’d ever wanted for a little while, rather than not at all.

And so it goes One foot after the other ‘Til black and white begin to color in And I know That holding us in place is simply fear Of what’s already changed

He supposes he should be a little more upset about dropping out of NYADA. Losing his chance at his dream career should make him feel something, anything, but it doesn’t. It fits, actually, as if he might as well lose everything all at once.

You can have Manhattan I’ll settle for the beach And sunsets facing westward with Sand beneath my feet I’ll wish this away Just missing the days When I was one half of two

The beach, for him, was Ohio. He’d settle for Westerville, and Lima when he visited Sam. The floor of the Lima Bean beneath his feet, not sand, ignoring the way he was one half of two there, and at McKinley down the street, and here.

You can have Manhattan ‘Cause I can’t have you

His voice was a wave over the last line, but he managed to finish out the last few piano notes. He felt exhausted, emptied, and there was only a scatter of applause throughout the place. He huffed out a twisted sort of laugh; he felt bad for all of these people. They had come here on a Thursday night to blow off some steam and to sing along to some pop classics. He had well and truly brought the mood down.

He leaned back towards the microphone and murmured, “Sorry.”

Someone in the audience yelled out, “Are you okay, dude?”, but he didn’t hear it, not really. Everything just sounded fuzzy. He made his way outside, quickly, and then walked along the avenues that were no longer his until he arrived back at his hotel one last time.

The next morning, he sat in a yellow cab with the last of his stuff that hadn’t already been sent back to his parent’s place and watched the city glide by.

Kurt hadn’t asked for Manhattan, but Blaine was giving it to him anyway.

And he hummed under his breath, not loud enough for the driver to hear –

You can have Manhattan ‘Cause I can’t have you

#remember how they're in love still and married now with a kid?!? everything is ok #i wrote this!#klaine fanfiction #klaine fic #klaine #glee

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