#I am not gonna lie I was salty for 30 minutes because I really wanted to see them talk | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

enbyprentiss · 3 years

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Little brat

Genre: Smut, pure filth, zero plot

Pairing: Hotch x Reid

Warnings: Sub!Spencer, Dom!Hotch, Spencer in panties and makeup, bratty Spence, spanking, penetrative sex, degradation, daddy kink, some praise, slight aftercare, oral (male receiving obviously), face fucking, and I think that’s it but lmk if I missed anything!

(and no @sparklinspence, if you’re reading this, i REFUSE to incorporate Hotch’s supposed foot fetish)

Also, Hayley does not exist in this story because that woman deserved so much better. And instead, she got murdered. Yes, I am still salty about it and no, I will never forgive the writers for that.

Spencer liked being a good boy. He lived to please. However, he loved being a brat even more. He always looked forward to things that were supposed to be punishments. He liked Hotch to yell at him. Tell him what a dirty boy he is. He liked being fucked like a bitch. So, he planned on being the biggest brat today.

It started when Aaron called him in for a case. And instead of telling him that he’d be there within 20 minutes like he usually did, “What if I don’t?”

“Spencer...”, he warned.

“What? What are you going to do?”, he always knew just how to push Aaron’s buttons.

“If you don’t, I’ll have no choice but to terminate you.”

“You would never.”, and even though he couldn’t see Spencer, he still had a smug look on his face.

“I better see you in the next 30 minutes.”

Reid huffed, crossing his arms and hanging up the phone. He reluctantly pulled himself out of bed, putting on the pair of panties he knew drove Aaron crazy and quite possibly the tightest pants he owns so that Hotch would be the only one who would recognize the outline.

When he arrived at the office, his eyes flicked straight up to Hotch’s office. And god, just looking at him made his pants become just a little tighter. He had to strategically pull his satchel closer to his body, quickly seating himself and tucking his legs completely under the round table. Spencer purposely made sure that the seat next to him would be empty. And, of course, Aaron took the opportunity to sit next to his young lover. At first, it was just a sweet gesture that wouldn’t expose their relationship to the rest of the team. The problem only arose when Reid placed his hand on the older mans thigh while JJ presented the local case. As his hand traveled farther up slowly, Hotch could simply not wrap his head around how Spencer was possibly this turned on at 10:00 AM. Regardless, he knew Spencer’s little game and grabbed his wrist, wrapping his much larger hand around it as a subtle warning. He watched as his face turned a light shade of pink, and he obeyed for now. But not for long.

The team spilt up, half of them in the field and half of them staying back to work from the bullpen, which left Aaron and Spencer alone in an SUV. Spencer took this opportunity to act up further, he leaned over the console, kissing Aaron’s neck gently before moving to open mouthed kisses. He would’ve left it at that if it wasn’t for the apparent bulge in Aaron’s pants. He rubbed him over his slacks the best he could before Hotch broke his trance.

“What has gotten into you today, Spencer?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”, he shrugged and smiled in faux innocence.

“Oh, so you want to be a filthy little brat today? We’ll have to fix that later.”

Spencer didn’t respond, just squirmed in his seat, fantasizing about all the possibilities of what awaited him. And luckily for him, the case was solved pretty quickly. The unsub stabbed random people repeatedly on the street, the only thing is he did every 27 minutes on the dot and was extremely sloppy, making his fairly easy to catch. Though, Spencer still managed to slip in some more trouble-making behavior. When they weren’t actively trying to put the profile together, he spent time flirting with both the male and female officers but only when he knew when Aaron was watching. Of course, Aaron noticed and it only made his blood boil more.

When they got back to the BAU, he pulled Reid into his office, demanding that he follow him to his apartment. And he obviously wasn’t going to deny, this was what he wanted all day.

As soon as they burst through to the door to Aaron’s apartment, their lips met in a heated kiss. Spencer licked against Aaron’s bottom lip, but he quickly gained dominance over the kiss. He moved to kiss down the younger mans jaw and the exposed parts of his neck, making Reid whimper.

“Such a desperate little slut. Go to the bedroom and strip. And you better not be touching yourself when I get in there.”

Spencer nodded, now ready to obey every word that was said to him. He stripped of all of his clothing, leaving them in a crumpled pile as he rushed to sit on the bed. Aaron waltzed around his apartment for roughly 10 minutes just to tease his lover, and he only entered the bedroom when he could hear him audibly whining. He pulled the frail figured man over his lap silently, palming over his ass gently.

“Do you know why you’re being punished, baby?”

“No, daddy.”, Spencer shook his head the best he could with a small pout on his face.

Aaron landed a harsh smack across Spencer’s ass, “Really? Because I think this is exactly what you wanted. Teasing me all day, wearing this pretty pink little panties. You’re just so desperate for my cock, aren’t you?”, he landed another hard smack.

“Mmhf! Yes, daddy!”

“Count for me. And that’s the only thing I want to hear from you, since you were such a bad boy today.”

Spencer whined anyway, which only earned him more spankings, each harder than the last. Eventually, he had counted all the way up to 25 with tears in his eyes and a few slipping down his cheeks. Aaron helped him sit back up, wiping some of the mascara stained tears away.

“T-thank you, daddy.”, he sniffled.

“Oh, sweetheart, you really think I’m done with you. Get on your knees.”

Spencer scrambled to get in position in eagerness. He rubbed up the older mans thighs, and he expected to be pushed away since he didn’t ask for permission, but instead Aaron was focused on ridding of his pants.

“Since you want my cock so bad, you’re gonna let daddy fuck your face, ok?”

He muttered a small ‘Mhm’ while nodding his head with an excited smile. Aaron lifted his hips into Spencer’s awaiting mouth, immediately hitting the back of his throat and making him gag. But Spencer relished in every action Hotch made, pushing his head down by his light brown curls and then pulling him back up so he could focus on just the tip, swirling his tongue around and over his slit.

“You love this don’t you, brat?”, Hotch groaned as Spencer’s throat tightened around him and he moaned around the cock in his mouth, confirming Aaron’s suspicions wordlessly. He continued pushing the younger mans head down roughly, watching more tears fall down his cheeks and watching how perfectly his plush pink lips wrapped around his tip. As Spencer licked down the prominent vein on the underside of Aaron’s cock, he felt the warm white liquid shoot down his throat, gladly swallowing all of it.

“Let me see.”, Hotch demanded. Spencer opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue slightly, revealing that he truly did swallow all of his lovers cum, “Good boy.”

Spencer’s eyes lit up at the praise as he bounced on his knees slightly, “Fuck me now, daddy?”

The dark haired man sat in front of him, acting as if he was pondering the idea, “Fine, get on the bed. Hands and knees.”

He moved frantically to get in position as Aaron retrieved the lube from his not-so-hidden drawer. He kissed down Spencer’s spine while applying a generous amount of the substance to his fingers. He continued planting soft kisses wherever he could reach, slowly pushing one finger into Spencer, making him yelp.

“Oh, daddy!”, Aaron took that as a good sign, pushing another finger into him, scissoring them to stretch his boy further.

“W-want your cock instead, daddy.”, he whined.

“I don’t know. Can you take it?”

“Yes! Let me show you, daddy, please!”

“Ok, baby, give daddy one second.”, he answered, applying a fair amount of lube to his cock.

Aaron put both his hands around Spencer’s petite waist, pushing into him slowly, making his sub moan out shamelessly. He hadn’t even pushed fully in as Spencer began to squirm and arch his back.

“Mm, so big, daddy!”

“Oh, come on, baby. I know you can take it.”

Spencer’s hands balled up in the sheets, scrunching up his face while simultaneously begging Hotch for more. Eventually, he had pushed all the way into Spencer, setting a ruthless pace knowing he liked it rougher.

Spencer’s moans quickly devolved into little ‘Thank you, daddy’, and mindless babbling.

“Aw, look at you, baby. I fucked my little genius dumb.”, he groaned. He reached around to stroke Spencer’s cock, knowing that he wouldn’t last much longer.

“Fills me so good, daddy!”

“I know, baby. So tight and warm for daddy. Such a good boy.”

“Oh, oh, oh! Can I cum please, daddy?!”

“Go ahead, sweet boy, cum all over my hand.”, as soon as he was given permission, he came all over Hotch’s hand and his own tummy.

Aaron continued slamming his hips into Spencer’s, making him whine from the overstimulation. He pushed his hips so much harder than before, releasing as Spencer tightened around him, “Oh! You make daddy cum so hard, baby.”

“T-thank you, daddy.”

“Of course, baby.”, he pulled out slowly and began to walk away.

“W-wait! Will you um--”

“Will I what, baby?”

“W-will you plug me up. Want to keep the mess in.”

“I don’t know if you’ve earned that much of a reward.”, he said, cracking a rare smile.

“Please! I promise I’ll be good, daddy!”

Of course, Aaron knew this was a lie, he was bound to act up again but he simply couldn’t deny when Spencer looked at him with those signature puppy dog eyes. He pulled one of Spencer’s favorite plugs out of the drawer and slipped it slowly into him as Reid’s hips bucked up involuntarily, placing a soft kiss to his lips.

“I’m going to get some clean pajamas for us, ok? I’ll be right here, baby.”

Spencer nodded with a small pout. Aaron handed him his favorite pair of pajama pants as he went to get him a glass of water. He reluctantly took a few sips before placing it against the night stand. Aaron got into the bed next to him, pulling Spencer close, knowing that he needs skin to skin contact after scenes like that.

Reid fell into the spell of sleep first and Aaron watched how his chest rose and fell slowly while brushing through his soft locks before burying his head closer to Spencer and falling asleep himself.

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colorseeingchick · 4 years

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Period Pains (Atsumu, Akaashi, Sugawara)

Periods. Suck. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. But maybe they can make it suck less.

A/N: Y’all can probably guess how my week has been :D. So this is mostly self indulgent and has definitely made me fall in love with all these boys much more. I may or may not stan Miya Atsumu now but we don’t talk about it (yet)

Warnings: None really! Fluffy and domestic wholesomeness. Post-timeskip.

Miya Atsumu

Atsumu starts to stir from his sleep when he hears a loud prolonged groan next to him.

He presses his eyes closed when the lights suddenly turn on. Ugh.

He opens his eyes to see you waddling away to the bathroom with your hand pressed to your stomach. Hmm?

He looks down and sees a relatively large splotch of red staining the sheet. HAH!

Suddenly, Atsumu is very alert.

“Babe what happened! Did you get hurt?”

Mans throws (I mean THROWS) himself out of bed and pulls a pair of shorts on as he stumbles to the bathroom to check on you.

“Baby are you-”

He sees you by the sink, washing your shorts, the water discolored as it runs off.

Ohhhh yeah! You were on your period.

Headass’s mind blanked while in a sleepy haze.

You sigh. “Yeah I’m… fine-ish. I guess.”

He smirks and comes up behind you, wrapping his hands around your waist, one hand gently rubbing over your long sleep shirt, right over your lower belly.

He presses a slow kiss into the side of your head and rocks you side to side while you continue to wash.

“Did ya wake up cuz of the pain, babe?”

“Mhm. And I saw the stain then too. Ain’t my luck just great?”

He groggily laughs and presses more kisses along the side of your face and holds you tighter.

“You got this, babe. I’ll bring the sheets here, yeah?”

“Kay.”

This, in its own way, is enough to make you feel… less bad.

You were far from feeling okay at this point, but Atsumu knowing the drill and nonchalantly helping out at 2 am made things feel less apocalyptic than they were in your head..

Atsumu strips the bed of all its sheets, rubbing his eyes as he tries to keep awake.

Handing the sheet to you, he leans against the wall as you washed out the immediate blood stains.

Once you wash it out, he takes it from you.

“Clean yerself up babe.”

He takes the sheets downstairs and throws them into the washing machine.

He goes to the kitchen and grabs a banana and some dark chocolate (because we healthy in this household).

And some ibuprofen from the medicine cabinet.

And runs back up to find you coming with new sheets in hand.

Putting your snacks down on your bedside table, he helps you pull the fresh sheets over your bed.

Sitting you on the bed, he hands you the food and sits next to you, leaning his head on your shoulder while you munch.

He gives you the medicine when you’re done.

“30 minutes- not bad. I think that’s our new record.”

He shuts off the lights and crawls into bed, opening his arms as you slide your legs under the comforter.

Snuggling into him, he nuzzles your forehead as he holds you close.

“Feelin better, babe?”

“Yeah… I’ll probably fall asleep in a bit or something.”

“Well, if ya wanna press up against me if that’ll make you feel better, ya can. And wake me up if ya need anything.”

“I will, Atsumu. Thanks.”

“G’nite, sweetheart.”

BONUS: you wake up late the next morning, Atsumu still holding you flush against his body.

Now that you slept well (thanks to the meds and Atsumu) and woke up without pain, you’re suddenly in a very affectionate mood.

Wiggling up, you find your way to Atsumu’s face, giving him a couple of soft pecks to his lips.

He stirs in his sleep, kissing you back.

But even after you had pulled away, he kept kissing at the air, trying to find your lips in his sleepy haze.

It was pretty funny.

He’s a headass, you’re not gonna lie.

But he’s your headass! And that’s all that matters.

Akaashi Keiji

Before even coming home, Akaashi knew you were going to be on your period today.

Your period tracking app was synced to his phone, so he knew when to prepare for your worst days with snacks, supplies, and lots of affection.

He hated how busy he was, that he couldn’t be home to take care of you. So making sure you had everything you needed was the best he could do.

But when Akaashi comes home and can’t find you anywhere, he starts to worry.

Where were you? You would usually always greet him when he came home, even when you were on your period.

He gets his answer when he hears sniffles and hiccups coming underneath the lump of blankets on the couch.

Akaashi knows that if you were ever fully underneath the blankets, there was something really wrong.

Taking his jacket off and throwing it over a chair in the kitchen, he rushes to your side and pulls the blankets delicately off your head.

“What’s wrong, darling.”

“H-hi Keiji. I’m s-sorry I didn’t m-mean to *hic* hide from you I j-just don’t feel too g-good.”

Your breath was so shaky and Akaashi’s heart shattered watching you.

“Please, tell me what’s wrong, dear.” Akaashi asks you in a whisper.

“My tummy just hurts so so much and it won’t go away I-” your sobs begin to rack through your whole body.

“Did you take medicine? Heating pad?” He asks gently as he runs his hands through your hair and wipes the tears off your face.

“N-no… I hate taking medicine Keiji you know that. But I took a hot shower and I hoped it would help and it didn’t.” You attempt to stifle your cries to talk coherently, misery wrapping around your soul.

“Alright then, give me a second, darling, and I’ll do whatever I can.”

After changing, Akaashi comes back downstairs to the couch and makes his way over to you.

He pats your head gently, “can you sit up for me?”

He swings his legs up onto the couch and opens his arms and legs so you could place yourself between all his limbs.

Crawling up to him, he turns you so that your back is pressed to his torso.

Immediately, Akaashi’s hands snake around your waist and find their way to two sides of your lower stomach.

His fingers gently message you, moving around to try and find which spots need his attention, all while he coaxes you into being relaxed.

“Shhh darling, you’re okay. I’m here and I’m going to shower you with my love. Just relax and let me take care of you, okay dearest?”

You nuzzle back against his chest, letting his words, touch, warmth, and smell fill all your senses.

“Keiji… how was your day?” You murmur, tilting your head back in an effort to look at him.

He smiles, warmth spreading through his body as he realizes even while in pain, you still want to carry on your daily check-in on him post work.

And so Akaashi tells you all the stories from the day- his new assignment, how panicked he got midday when the office went into crisis, a surprise visit from a certain owl during lunch time.

You listen attentively, but your hands subconsciously move his larger hands to the center of your lower abdomen, where he starts to gently rub, leaving your skin tingly and chest lighter.

“Do you feel better, Y/N?” after sitting in comfortable silence for a little, he decides to ask.

But when he got no response, he cranes his neck to check on you.

You had fallen asleep in his embrace, a sweet smile slowly creeping across your face.

He smiles too, overjoyed to know that he was able to relieve you of some of your pain.

“Goodnight, my love.” He whispers to you, his eyes slowly shutting, arms still on your stomach.

BONUS: at around 2 am, Akaashi wakes up, realizing he was still on the couch.

You, however, were nowhere to be seen.

Getting up, Akaashi heads to the kitchen to grab water, assuming you were already in bed.

Instead, he found you in the kitchen too, the smell of pancakes flooding the space.

“Keiji! We never ate dinner. I’m sorry I made you fall asleep without eating.”

A small smile appears on his face and he rubs his sleepy eyes.

“It’s okay, dear. I’m just glad you could sleep some.”

“Do you want pancakes?”

“I would love some.”

Sugawara Koushi

Like Akaashi, Suga knew what was about to happen when he got a phone call from you as soon as he was leaving school.

Regardless, hearing you sniffle over the phone activates every protective instinct in his body.

“What’s wrong baby?”

“Koushi, do you love me?”

A dumb question, obviously. Suga showered you with affection and endless praise on a daily basis for you simply just breathing. The most supportive of boyfriends!

But alas, insecurity still creeps up at times. And Suga gets it.

“I love you more than anything else, Y/N.”

“Can you come home, Koushi? I miss you.”

“I’m on my way, love. Give me 10 extra minutes, okay?”

Suga hopped into his car to head home, stopping by the store to pick up a few things.

He grabbed a pint of your favorite ice cream, your favorite chips (because do you want sweet or savory today? Only time will tell), and some flowers before heading home.

The moment he steps through the door, you throw your hands around him and groan out of frustration, pain, and just general dejectedness (don’t @ me for projecting I swear).

Suga smiles down at you, knowing that he can bring you some peace, and pulls you against him, flowers and bag still in hand.

“Let me go change, my love. These are for you.”

Your generally miserable disposition shifts as your nose is filled with the aroma of fresh flowers. Sweet and gentle scents always managed to lift your spirits, and Suga knew that.

“Mkay.”

Once Suga came downstairs, he headed to the kitchen to warm up some water to pour into a water bottle.

“Sweet or salty?”

“Salty.”

He grabs the warm water bottle and the bag of chips and makes his way over the couch where your eyes were begging him to shower you in love (which he was more than happy to do).

Sitting down and opening his arms, you pull yourself against his side, hugging him tightly and nuzzling against his chest.

He rubs your head before sliding his hand down, soothingly rubbing circles onto your back.

His other hand goes to place the warm water bottle on your lower abdomen, which you hold in place by pulling your legs up to your torso.

“Koushi, why do you love me?” You murmur against him. “I’m so whiny and clingy and annoying and insecure and you’re perfect… you deserve the best. You shouldn’t have to put up with someone like me-”

“Hey.” Suga gently but sternly cuts you off.

“That’s my girlfriend you’re talking about, and I don’t appreciate you talking about her like that.” He looks down at you and melts as he sees your puppy dog eyes staring back up at him.

“Koushi, I’m not wrong though. I am all those things.”

“And? I love you for it. I love that you whine for me and cling to me- it makes me feel wanted. I wouldn’t call you annoying, that's not your call to make. And insecure? That’s natural, my love. Everyone's a little insecure. I’m a little insecure. You’re not perfect and neither am I. And that’s okay. I don’t wanna love perfect. I want to love you and only you, okay?”

Tears prick your eyes but you feel better with Suga’s words of reaffirmation. He’ll tell you no matter how many times you need to hear it. “Thank you Koushi, I love you so much.”

“Shh, my love. Don’t cry. I love you, too.”

His grasp on you tightens as you relax against him, your breathing synchronizing.

“You wanna watch some TV?”

“Yes please.”

“Chips?”

“Mhm.”

Single word exchanges and the warmth of Suga’s sweater keep you connected as you allow yourself to forget your physical and mental pains.

Suga always knew exactly what you needed to hear, and never hesitated to tell you. No matter how ‘out of the blue’ or random it may have felt, he was always there for when you needed him.

BONUS: you guys settle on watching a romance movie, Suga feeding you chips while popping some into his own mouth as well.

But once the movie got to the really sad part, you started crying (sometimes movies just made you cry, but hormones made it so much worse).

“Baby, don’t cry, it’s just a movie.”

“But Koushi, you’re crying too!”

In honesty, Suga’s face was very tear-streaked as well, his sniffles hushed.

“Okay fine, we can both cry together.”

And so you did! Both of you cried, emotions fully invested in the movie, chips still being munched on while sobs shook your bodies.

It would have been a goofy sight to any onlookers, but it was the pinnacle of your relationship- emotionally vulnerable, intimate, and domestic. True perfection, if you were to ask me.

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vintagedolan · 3 years

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mixtape - track eleven

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I was hiding from myself too. I was hiding from the part of my brain that was like ‘what are you gonna do now?’. Like, there’s a part of your brain that does thrive off of feeling like shit.

The voice shifted, just for a moment.

Yea-

It was a tiny sound in the back, from behind the camera. It didn’t even form a full word before Ethan continued talking, but Indy flinched anyway. It was always worse when she was unprepared for it.

In her distraction, she’d streaked her concealer too far past her eye and sighed, using her finger to pat it in, ignoring the way it splotched. It probably wasn’t the right shade, and it was definitely expired, but it was enough for her to look like maybe she had slept in the last two weeks.

She hadn’t. Not really. Every time she closed her eyes, even to blink, he was there. Sometimes, she welcomed it. But in that moment, standing in her mirror in her scrubs, she didn’t want to see his face. She didn’t want to hear his voice. Because she had to keep it together for 16 hours. 12 hours at the hospital on the peds floor, and another 4 at her shift at Jet’s afterward. So she kept her eyes open, took a deep breath, and walked out of her bathroom.

On the other side of the country, Grayson’s eyes were closed.

He wasn’t sleeping. It was 4 in the afternoon, which was the earliest time he could consider himself done with work for the day and escape to his bedroom, closing the door behind him. It only got down to the high forties in LA, even in January, but he climbed under his comforter anyways, pulled his baby blanket up by his face.

Time seemed to crawl by while he lay there alone. He rolled to his side, pulling his pillow down to wrap his arms around it, and when he opened his eyes, he wished he hadn’t. On his nightstand, turned towards him, was the frame that Indy had gotten him for Christmas. He wished she hadn’t curled up so much when he’d taken it. He wished he could see her face more in the glossy material, wished she had given him a picture of just her instead. When he squeezed his eyes shut again he could see her face better, every feature committed to memory. So he looked. He focused on the different shades of blue in her eyes and pretended like she was in class, and that he was on her couch waiting for her to come home.

A knock sounded on his door, and his heart tightened.

Ethan stepped in the room with a bag of Monty’s and a hopeful smile.

Grayson didn’t move.

“I brought you dinner.”

Nothing.

Ethan sighed, dropping the act. He was giving up on it earlier and earlier these days.

“Bro, you’ve gotta eat. You didn’t eat lunch.”

“Not hungry.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m not.”

“Well, tough shit then, cause I’m not leaving you alone until you eat at least some of this.”

Grayson knew his brother, better than he knew himself sometimes, and he could tell by his tone that he was serious. He didn’t have the energy for a fight, and despite himself, his stomach growled at the smell of the fries in the bag, salty and warm. So he sat up begrudgingly and let Ethan pass him the bag, pretending not to see how his shoulders slumped in relief.

He didn’t have to ask why Ethan stayed. It was to make sure he didn’t sit the bag down as soon as he closed the door behind him. So he waited, and he watched his brother eat his burger slower than usual, fighting to chew it and force it down.

“Where’s yours?” He asked eventually - he knew better than to think that Ethan hadn’t gotten himself a burger.

“I uh… I ate with Eden.”

Grayson stopped chewing. His question was blatant in his eyes, and he waited for the answer.

“No, I didn’t fucking tell her,” Ethan grumbled, running his hand over his face. “But I don’t know how much longer I can do this, I feel like I’m fucking lying to her.”

“Did she ask about… her?” He caught himself. He hadn’t said her name since they left New York.

“Not yet. She knows something is up with you though, and if she starts asking questions I’m telling her.”

“No.” It wasn’t a plea. It was a demand.

“Grayson. She’s gonna find out eventually, I gotta tell her.”

“No. Twin code.”

“Don’t pull that shit man, c’mon, we aren’t six anymore. That’s my wife, and she’s gonna be pissed as fuck at me. If you don’t tell her, I’m gonna have to.”

Grayson stayed quiet and put the rest of his burger back in the bag, his small appetite fading to nausea at the thought of having to admit to anyone else what he had done. He hadn’t had to explain it yet - Ethan knew enough to put the pieces together, and he had enough heart to stay quiet on the plane, just passing over his napkin from his drink as an extra tissue while Grayson looked out the window and cried quietly. But he wasn’t going to tell Eden - he wasn’t ready for that.

Ethan sighed. “I’m just saying Gray, she’s gonna start asking me questions, and I’m not gonna lie to her, that’s not me. That’s not either of us.” He paused, hoping for a response he knew he wasn’t going to get. “Whatever. We have a meeting at 10 tomorrow.”

Ethan left the room in silence, and Grayson closed his eyes.

Indy’s struggled to keep hers open. It was almost 4 am the worst hours of her shift. She poured another cup of coffee from the nurses’ lounge, ignoring the fact that it was burnt as she sipped it down and willed herself to wake up. Part of her wished it was iced - warm drinks made her sleepy, and worse, reminded her of cold New Jersey mornings that she couldn’t afford to think of. Just the idea of reminiscing made her chest tighten enough for her to suck in a breath and start to search for a distraction. She read the schedule instead, checking to see what tech would replace her come 7 am. She still had two vital checks to do on each patient, opting to do them on the even hours. Her head tipped back as she drained the rest of her cup and tossed it in the trash, needing to keep her mind busy.

It wasn’t her job - only nurses could distribute meds, but she could prep the trays for the kids to make their lives easier. So she moved to the med cart and started to look through.

“Adams, Adrian, Bellon, Campbell, Cortez, Jenkins, Kimp, Lopez, Mullins, Norton.” Her fingers stopped for a moment as she traced down the last names on the cart, mumbling them out. No Newcomb. She double-checked. Nothing.

Bekah didn’t have a tray.

Indy’s heart sped up a bit, and she waited until she saw Ayria, one of the night shift nurses, coming out of a room.

“Hey, do you need me to get Newcomb a tray? Hers isn’t on here.” It felt weird to refer to Bekah by her last name, but she didn’t want to seem unprofessional.

Ayria frowned, coming to log into the computer on the med cart and check the charts.

“Oh yeah, everything she’s getting is IV right now, no pills.”

Indy took a breath and steadied herself, glad to see that the clock had turned and she was able to make her rounds. She’d become an expert at taking vitals without waking the kids up - even some of the more seasoned nurses were impressed.

But she could never get past Beks.

The first day, during Indy’s orientation, Bekah could tell something was wrong. It was only three days after Grayson had left after all. Indiana knew that the floor needed a tech, and she knew they’d take her as soon as she asked. She also knew that if she let herself stay at home that she’d never leave it again. So she went and bought the cheapest scrubs she could find and mustered up enough energy to show up.

She didn’t really need Ayria to show her around that day. She knew the unit inside and out from her time as a volunteer; she just needed the codes for the supply rooms and a list of her tasks for her 12-hour shift. But she was glad that they were together when they went into Bekah’s room because Bekah was kind enough not to say anything with someone else there. Now, she didn’t hold back.

“You look like shit,” she said as soon as Indy walked in.

“It’s 4 am, you should be asleep,” Indy countered with a smirk. The incident on Christmas was forgiven without a second thought, and she was relieved to be back to their normal banter as she put her blood pressure cuff on.

“You should be asleep. This is your last shift of the week though.”

“Says who?”

“You’ve been here three days already, that’s the max you can work without overtime.”

Indy kept quiet and wrote down her blood pressure in the chart.

“Are you okay?” Bekah asked quietly, and Indy sucked in a deep breath, trying to stop the tears flooding her eyes.

“I’m fine Beks. Promise.”

Bekah contemplated if she should say it.

“Is it Grayson?”

Indy’s breath caught in her throat. Her hands shook as she held up the thermometer, and she had to blink hard to be able to read the numbers and scribble them down.

Bekah took her silence as an answer.

“Sorry. I know it must be hard, having him so far away,” she murmured. Indy couldn’t find her voice to tell her that it was okay. She fiddled with her blankets, tucking her in nicely and dimming her lights down to give her time to clear the knot in her throat.

“Get some sleep Beks.”

She held it together until she got outside her room, and then the tears escaped. As quickly as she could, she ducked her head and beelined for the nurses’ desk, using her oldest trick of drinking water to keep herself from fully breaking down.

Valentina sat at her desk and watched with a frown, but she didn’t say anything.

Indy gave herself one minute, and then she took a deep breath and got back to work.

Time crawled, and she cursed herself for not leaving enough things to keep her busy for the rest of her shift. By 6 am, she’d resorted to cleaning the tables in the break room and reorganizing supplies in the supply closet to keep herself occupied. She knew the day shift nurses would appreciate the extra effort - they always sung her praises, thrilled to work a shift after her considering how well she set it up for them.

Valentina came into the supply closet at 6:30.

“You might just work our daytime tech out of a job,” she said, making Indy jump and drop the bandages she was restocking.

“You scared me,” she said, catching her breath. “Just restocking.”

“You work too hard,” Valentina shook her head, crossing her arms. “You’re gonna burn yourself out sweetheart, and we need you around here.”

“I’ll be alright.”

“You act like I don’t know you’re going to your other job right after this.”

“They give me good coffee there, what can I say,” Indy teased, but when she looked Valentina’s eyes were sad. “I like to keep busy.”

“Too busy,” she tsked. “You leave at 6:50 today.”

“Valentina-”

“Keep talking and I’ll make it 6:40,” she threatened. “And you get some sleep later, you hear me?”

“Yes ma’am,” Indy conceded, knowing it wasn’t an argument she could win. Nurses weren’t the type to lose an argument, and she’d never met a more nurse-y nurse than Valentina. She finished stocking quickly, gathering her bags and double-checking she’d finished everything before she headed out, waving goodbye to the nurses she saw.

She was distracted on her way out, and she didn’t think when she hit the button to get into the next hallway.

For two weeks, she prepped. Mentally paused and thought of all the things that could hit her out of the blue, make her come unraveled. She was ready, for the couples in the street holding hands, for the husbands coming to walk their wives home from work, the high schoolers on hot chocolate dates in the big city. But it was always the small things that got her.

She hadn’t prepared herself, and her eyes automatically went to the walls when she cleared the doors. The ocean mural. The jellyfish, the sea turtle on the wall that Grayson had said looked like Ethan once. It hit her like a ton of bricks, her chest so tight that she reached up to press on it as she heard his voice in her head. It made her feel pathetic, the way she had to stop and grab onto the rail in the hall and steady herself for a moment. She counted her breaths, trying her hardest to shut her mind off, staring at the blue of the walls as she willed herself to be okay, just for another day.

Grayson was staring at the water. Or at least, he was trying to. The moon wasn’t very bright, but it reflected enough off the ocean for him to get a sense of which way the sun would come up. The whole surface was washed black by the night sky, and it was peaceful. He wanted to swim in it. He wanted to sink beneath it and find that blissful quiet you could only find underwater.

He’d fallen asleep soon after Ethan had left him alone, which meant he found himself wide awake at 4 am, body tired of being asleep. Sitting in bed would only make things worse, so he sent Ethan a quick text and headed off in the Porsche towards the secret beach. There was no one else there so early in the morning, and he was grateful. It gave him the peace of mind to curl in on himself, let the tears flow freely as the waves lapped at the shore, returning over and over.

Time ran away from him in the dark. His tears ceased eventually, dried themselves out as he sat in his misery. He didn’t fight it. Instead, he let it wash over him, sink into every pore and weigh him down, wishing he could somehow disappear into the sand as the sun started to rise and wash the world in light orange. His phone buzzed, no doubt a text from his brother. He elected to ignore it, keeping his eyes on the water, counting the waves as they came in. It was admirable, the dedication they showed; returning every time they got sucked back out.

At some point, he felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up, and he sighed, pulling his hood up over his head in a feeble attempt to hide himself from whoever was watching him. He stood up and brushed the sand off himself, ducking his head down and jogging straight back to his car, hoping whoever it was wasn’t trying to come up to him.

As soon as he ducked into his car and pulled the door shut, he sunk down, resting his forehead against his steering wheel.

“Fuck!” He yelled, smacking his dashboard. His radio turned on with a jolt, connected to his phone and automatically starting his playlist. Cudi blared through the speakers and he groaned, hitting all the wrong buttons in an attempt to get it to turn off.

“Stop, fucking stop!” In a last attempt he chucked his phone across the car, watched it ricochet off the dash and down into the floorboard. He threw his car into reverse with blurry eyes, desperate to get away from anyone who might have a camera. He was paranoid the whole drive home that someone was watching, eyes darting to the windows of any car he ended up next to at a stoplight. It wasn’t until he got the gate closed behind him and he was in the house that he felt like he could breathe again. With Ethan still asleep down the hall, he choked back his sobs as he sat down at the counter, face in his hands.

Indy was taking deep breaths behind the counter as the line started to pile up at Jet’s. She looked to her right, frowning at the stress on her new coworker, Mariposa’s, face as the cups continued to line up next to her.

“Hey Posie,” she called over between customers. “Do you wanna switch?”

“God yes,” she exclaimed, rushing to take Indy’s place at the register so she could move over to the bar.

Indiana preferred it that way. She didn’t have to smile for a latte, she just had to pour it and try not to burn her fingers and move on to the next. It had come back like second nature to her, and she liked the fast pace. It gave less time for her to think, and she welcomed the numbing repetition. She kept an ear piqued towards the register, listening to the orders coming in so she could get ahead. The next one came from a taller man, his face hidden behind a coat.

“Just give me the biggest cup of the strongest stuff you’ve got.”

Indy dropped her cup, a half poured latte splattering all over her hands first, down her apron, then the bottom of her jeans and onto her shoes. It only took one look over at the man to realize it wasn’t Grayson, and she deflated.

“Shit,” she hissed, flicking her hands in an attempt to chill the burn that was already searing on her skin. She side-stepped to the sink, flipping the cold water on and letting it flow over her hands. It stung even more, and she sighed at the bright red of her skin. She’d had enough burns from her time as a barista to know that it would blister.

“Indiana, you okay?” Patrick called from the ovens, moving a line of pastries in and out.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.”

He frowned, but kept quiet, letting her get back into the groove of making drinks. Indy could feel him watching her, the familiar weight of a protective eye over her shoulder. At least he was kind enough to wait until her shift was over before he tried to talk to her again.

“Hey, how’s your hand?”

Indy looked down and sighed at the sight of her red skin, resisting the urge to rub it. Instead, she moved to the first aid kit and grabbed a wrap bandage.

“It’s been better, but I’ll survive.”

“Why don’t you take the day off tomorrow,” Patrick suggested as casually as he could. “You know, to rest your hand.”

Indy scoffed.

“It’s not gonna fall off Patrick, I’m fine.”

He sighed. “Fine, if you’re gonna make me say it then I will. You’re a hard worker, one of the best we have, but you’re exhausted. We can all see it, and you don’t need to burn yourself out like this for a minimum wage job. So, you’re off tomorrow. No exceptions.”

“But-”

“No. Exceptions.”

Her anger bubbled up in her like the blister forming on her thumb, but she knew it wasn’t Patrick’s fault. He was right - she was just upset at the idea of having an entire day with nothing to distract her. An empty apartment had never seemed so daunting, and it was all she could think about as she clocked out, got her things together, and walked home.

It was quieter than she’d imagined when she got through the door, the click of the latch echoing through the still space. She thought of turning on music, but that only made her think of Grayson, singing off-key next to her in the truck. She could put on a movie, but it would make her think of cuddling with him on the couch. Her bed was where he had been so many nights. He’d cooked in her kitchen, he’d helped her move furniture in the guest room.

She couldn’t escape him, no matter where she went. And so, as pathetic as she felt doing it, she sunk down right there on the floor, and she let the misery have her. It came in broken sobs that caught on her throat on the way out, too loud even for her own ears as she tried to imagine a day where she didn’t feel like the world was crumbling around her.

She wasn’t sure how long she sat there. But eventually, the things no one ever talked about started to happen. Her butt went numb, and her head started to hurt, and her lips got dry from the saltwater that ran over them. None of that mattered though. What finally got her up from the cold floor was the fact that she was sticky - remnants of the vanilla syrup in the latte that she’d dropped finally congealing and making her feel more disgusting than the tears. She peeled herself up off the floor and headed to her bathroom.

Grayson was in the shower, with his head down, water splashing over his back and bouncing off his shoulders - a statue in the rain. It was the best place to avoid getting on his phone, considering he couldn’t, and that was the only way he could trust himself to not get on twitter and see the aftermath of the morning.

He wondered for a moment what he looked like from outside the glass shower door, standing there with his razor up by his chest. The blades clogged with the long hairs he shaved from his chest, leaving him bare and smoother than he’d been in months. He sat the razor down and moved to pick up a clear bottle from the shelf. Polis was scribbled on it in sharpie in Ethan’s handwriting, remnants of a Wakeheart meeting. Grayson could remember how excited he was to pitch the idea, even if it was over zoom.

“I finally came up with the third body wash scent. Vanilla, with a hint of coffee and then a little bit of sandalwood to keep it professional and put together.”

He’d had to whisper it - Indy was asleep in her room, the product of a good post study-session back rub that had lulled her into a much-needed nap. The team loved it, thought it complimented the other two scents they’d been testing well. Ethan was hesitant, but he kept his mouth shut and brainstormed a backup if needed.

Grayson was thankful for the gesture, even when he’d told him that he’d started planning it as early as he had. But he wasn’t willing to give it up, and he made it very clear in their first meeting back that Polis was a permanent scent. It felt like a tiny piece of her that he could hold onto. Still, as he stood there and held the bottle up to his nose, it wasn’t the same. As pitiful as it made him feel, he tried closing his eyes, tried to imagine she was there with him, standing in front of him, giggling like she always did when they showered together.

He couldn’t do it justice. Couldn’t feel the warmth of her skin against his, couldn’t smell her shampoo or watch her try to bend over and shave her legs in her small apartment shower without bumping into him. He’d held her hips to help her keep her balance, listened to her laugh and talk about casual intimacy, heard the way it echoed off the tiles and became his favorite sound in the entire world.

His tears mixed with the water, his pain palpable as he started to quiver just barely, the memory enough to break down the paper thin wall he’d managed to drag back up to protect himself. When his knees shook he gave up and sunk to the ground, green tiles of the bench seat icy against his back as he buried his face in his hands. He’d never felt weaker in his life, and he wished he was ten again, so his dad could wrap his strong arm around his shoulder and tell him that everything would be alright.

He went for the next best thing once he managed to get enough energy to get up and turn the water off. A few swipes of his towel over his body and hair, then he pulled his boxers on and put on his robe, walking straight out of his room and down the hall.

Ethan’s door was open, but he wasn’t in his bed like Gray expected. He was at his desk instead, a look of stress on his face that Grayson was all too familiar with. A pang of guilt resonated in him when he realized what his brother was doing - picking up all the slack that he was leaving in his misery.

He hadn’t said a word about it though, and that made it worse.

It took Ethan a moment to realize his brother was there, but as soon as he did he turned his desk chair, giving him his full attention.

“Hey.”

Grayson didn’t answer.

“You okay?” Ethan tried again. Grayson’s throat burned, and he shook his head, sitting on the end of the bed. He’d never been able to hide from Ethan, and luckily, he never really had to. Because Ethan was the type of brother to act tough when he needed to, but soften up at the smallest things. Which was why Grayson wasn’t surprised to see his brother rise up out of his chair, coming to sit next to him. The bed sunk down a bit with his weight, and Grayson let himself press up against his brother. The air felt heavy while he waited.

“You’re good. Just let it out.” Ethan’s voice was quiet, and he leaned his cheek against his brother’s head and felt him go to pieces. It was the hardest Grayson had cried since the airport, and every sniffle made his head pound but he couldn’t pull himself together. Those were the kind of moments where he wondered how people survived without twin brothers. He felt safe there with Ethan - if everything else fell apart, at least he’d have him. There were a million things he could say, but he already knew what the answers would be. Ethan would tell him that he’d find someone else some day, and that Indy would heal and that he shouldn’t feel guilty for doing what he did. He also knew that Ethan would say all of it even if he didn’t believe it, because their pain was shared.

Grayson cried himself out again after an hour or so, his sinuses pounding behind his eyes as the headache settled in.

Ethan stayed still - he knew better than to leave him. It wasn’t until Grayson finally wiped at his eyes that his brother relaxed a bit, watched him stand up and run his hands over his face. It felt colder without Ethan right next to him, but he knew he needed to sleep.

“Try to get some sleep,” Ethan echoed his thoughts. “We need to record the pod tonight if you can.”

“Okay. I can help with the emails, I know we probably have a shit ton.”

Ethan was already shaking his head before he finished.

“Just get some sleep, okay?”

Grayson nodded and gave him the best smile he could manage before he went back into his room, climbing back into the safety of his covers with his phone in his hand, just in case she called.

Indy’s pillow was wet. It was mainly from her hair soaking into the pillowcase - she didn’t have the energy to dry it after her shower. But she’d also made a terrible mistake. One scroll through the app store and a quick log in and she was back onto instagram, ignoring the now thousands of follow requests she had in her notifications. It only took one click to her explore page and her tears were adding to the moisture below her cheek.

He had on his Cudi hoodie, the yellow one. She wished she’d been there to tell him not to wear it. It was too bright, a target for the cameras that seemed to find him. The first ones she saw stung. They were only of his back, taken from far enough away that she could pretend it was someone else. But she knew the way he sat, with his arms over his knees.

The next ones hurt, because she could see his face. He was walking, and she knew him well enough to know he’d realized what was happening and tried to leave, just from his posture, the way he slumped while walking. His eyes were red, those dark circles that she’d ran her fingers over so many times worse than she’d ever seen them. Ever since he’d left, she’d wanted to know how he felt. If he missed her at all, if he was as miserable as she seemed to be every minute of every day.

It hurt worse to get her answer than it did to wonder. She’d hoped he was upset, but suddenly all she wanted to do was hold him, tell him it was okay, that she was okay even though she wasn’t. It was impossible not to scroll, looking for anything new, any hints as to what he had been up to since he’d gotten off that plane.

She had never asked for a front row seat to his life, but she’d take it if it was the only glimpse of him that she could get. It made her feel pathetic, but she didn’t care enough to fight it.

Eventually, she found herself scrolling his page. She couldn’t tell how she got there, but she couldn’t seem to leave it either. So she just scrolled, averting her eyes from any comments, and pretending, just for a moment, that everything was back to the way it was. That he was just busy recording a podcast, or that he’d be sprawled out on her couch when she went out to the living room.

She held onto it until she walked out of her room, knowing she needed to eat even though she didn’t want to. She kept her eyes off the couch, moving to her cabinets that were barren apart from a few avocados that were rotten. With a sigh she threw them in the trash that was close to overflowing, opting instead for the last box of mac and cheese she had left.

Indy was thankful for muscle memory, her mind wandering off to better days where her kitchen wasn’t so quiet as she cooked the pasta she really didn’t want and took it back to her room, curling up under her covers as she ate.

Grayson had two empty boxes of vegan mac and cheese in front of him, one of which obviously had an ‘E’ scribbled on it that he’d ignored when he made them. He shoveled the noodles into his mouth, ignoring the way they burnt his tongue just barely. Ethan walked in and saw the boxes, opened his mouth and shut it again.

“S’pod setup?” Grayson said around a mouthful.

“Yeah, I set up the pod, we’re good whenever you’re ready.”

“Gimminute.”

Ethan just chuckled and shook his head, happy to at least see his brother eating even if he was shoveling it down like he hadn’t seen food before. He waited, seeing that Gray was done within the next two minutes, sitting his bowl in the sink and stretching his arms out. He looked tired, but Ethan hoped the pod camera was far enough away from them to make the dark circles subtle enough.

“Do you want some of my old concealer stuff? For under your eyes?”

Grayson hesitated for a moment, picking at his nails. “You still have it?”

“Yeah, hang on.” Ethan ran to his bathroom, snagged the compact from his bottom drawer and brought it to the kitchen. “Come over here, you’re supposed to do it in natural light.”

He held it out for Grayson, who just looked up at him.

“I don’t know how the fuck to do it, you do it.”

“Do I look like a makeup artist to you?” Ethan asked, and when Grayson stayed quiet, he sighed and flipped the compact open, swiping his finger through the semi-creamy substance and moving to pat it on his brother, frowning when it was more difficult than he thought it would be. “Look up you fuck, I gotta blend it.”

Grayson just rolled his eyes but did as he was told, sitting still until E said he was finished and led the way to the studio. They got settled in their chairs, double checking the camera angles. Ethan cleared his throat, waiting until his brother looked at him.

“Are we… do you want to mention anything about…”

Grayson waited. He wondered if his brother was really going to be dumb enough to ask.

“Are we talking about the pictures, yes or no.”

“What the fuck do you think the answer to that is,” Gray grumbled.

“I’m just saying, if you mention it you can say what you want about it, get your own voice out there. Whatever you say, I’ll go along with it.”

“Great.”

Grayson took a deep breath, gave Ethan a look that read as an apology, and clicked the button to start recording. He stayed fairly quiet the first few minutes of the recording, waiting to jump into a conversation that didn’t make his throat tight. The podcast was his favorite place, because he could let himself actually speak, say what he wanted to say without worrying.

It came back to bite him in the ass 45 minutes into the episode, when his guard was down and he had finally lost himself the way he did when he worked. They were talking about birds, and how they had a bad, unjustified rep.

“I mean, Gizmo can be an asshole sometimes, but she’s only an asshole when people are like, scared of her,” Ethan mused.

“Right! She gets all shy when I come home after a while, but when Dee came in the house the first time she was freaking out, just from hearing her and I swear, every time after that Giz just like, screamed every single time she was even in the house.”

“Gray-”

“No seriously! You remember how loud she got? Fuck, remember that time she went down to help mom with dessert and Giz was out and she cried?”

“Grayson.”

“What? Did I peak the mic?”

Ethan’s eyes were sad. “You… you said her name.”

“Huh?”

“Indiana. You said Dee, when you were telling that story.”

He swallowed hard. “Oh. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He could see him spiraling, and he tried to reel him back in. “You’re okay. We can just cut it, and start again with a story about Gizmo.”

“Yeah uh… just give me a second.”

“Sure. Whatever you need.”

“Just, uh, say what you said again before,” Grayson murmured, shaking his head to try and clear it. But it was too late - he was so consumed by what his mind had brought back to the surface that he could barely hear Ethan repeat his words.

“Yeah-” Grayson came in a moment late. “Giz is a special one.”

Ethan waited for him to continue, but jumped in when he didn’t. “She gets shy when you haven’t been home in a while and you show up. That’s the thing about animals dude, like people think about cats and dogs and they can recognize their emotions, but with stuff like birds and cows and shit, people just don’t think about them that way, and it fucking sucks. They have feelings too! Gizmo’s fucking sassy bro, she will let you know how she’s feeling, especially if she’s pissed. Bro, we should have Giz on the pod, do you think she’d talk? She can whistle, we could show off her tricks.”

“You can’t put a bird on a plane,” Grayson mumbled. His eyes were fixed down on the blue center of the table, and he was fidgeting with his sleeves.

“Yeah, but we can put the mics in our suitcases and just record at home.”

Ethan realized it a moment too late. He wanted to snatch his words out of the air, scratch them from the tape when he saw the way Grayson’s eyes met his, saw the gloss near his waterline.

“Yeah - uh - um,” Grayson tried to save it, and then he covered his mouth, silencing the squeak that turned into a sob. He pretended it was a cough, bringing his hand up and running his fingers over his forehead, shielding his eyes from the camera.

“I uh, I miss home a lot more this time than I usually do,” he said, his voice froggy with the tightness of his throat. Ethan couldn’t say anything. There was nothing to say as he watched his brother fight and lose in his battle to keep his composure, covering his mouth as he cried, knuckles brushing up against the mic.

“Fuck, sorry, I’m sorry E.”

“It’s okay, hey, it’s okay.” Ethan was up so fast he forgot to take off his headphones. They fell back into the chair when they pulled off his ears as he moved to his brother, pulling him up into a hug. “We can finish it later, we’ll just cut to an ad or something. It’s okay.”

“Sorry.”

“Shh. It’s fine bro, it’s fine. C’mon, let’s go get some air.”

Air wasn’t what they found.

Instead, they found Eden, standing against the counter with her arms crossed in a way that had Ethan’s blood running cold. He thought the sight of Grayson practically curled in on himself might have softened her up, but she stood her ground until both of the twins were looking at her.

Grayson knew that she knew, and she only confirmed it when she spoke.

“What. The fuck. Is wrong with you.”

Back in New York, Indy’s phone was ringing. Or at least, she thought it was. But when she unlocked it and was blinded by the light, it was just her lockscreen, Grayson smiling at her with 3:04 written across the top. Judging by the darkness, she knew she hadn’t slept the afternoon away, but the buzzing continued until she finally climbed out of bed and realized it was the intercom system - the front desk calling her through the small phone on her wall that hardly ever rang. She pulled it off the receiver and held it up to her ear.

“Hello?”

“Hi Ms. Cross, there’s a gentleman here to see you.”

Her heart skipped, and she clutched the phone with both her hands.

“Who?”

There was a beat of silence, and Indy could vaguely hear her ask him for a name.

“His name is Devin.”

She sucked in a breath, letting her head and her hopes fall.

“Send him up.”

It took her a moment to process her grief before the panic set in. If Devin was showing up unannounced, something bad must have happened. She swung her door open, chewing on her nails as she stood in the doorway, waiting for him to appear. He came out of the elevator with a small duffle slung over his shoulder and a cautious smile that had her ready to cry.

“Dev, what the hell are you doing here? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said.

“Charlie?”

“Also fine. We’re fine.”

She caught her breath, and then she was frowning. “If everything is fine, why the fuck are you here at 3am?”

“Because you haven’t answered your sister’s calls in a week, and she’s worried sick about you.”

Guilt panged in her stomach - she hadn’t meant to ignore her. In all honesty, she’d ignored everyone without realizing it.

“I- sorry, I didn’t mean to. Just slipped my mind. Is she here too?”

“She’s got a wedding to shoot this weekend, and we only had one ticket anyways. Flight got delayed, tried to find a hotel for the night so I could wait until later this morning but I couldn’t find one so you’re stuck with me. Sorry,” he teased, reaching out to hold onto her shoulder. There was no malice in his voice, and Indy was grateful. “Let’s go inside.”

He didn’t ask for it, but she made him a coffee anyways alongside her own. She was tired, her eyes burning, but it wasn’t anything new from the last few weeks. She fought it, pulling one of the few sweatshirts Grayson had left at her place over her head before she sat on the couch, waiting.

Devin was quiet, tapping his fingers against his mug, out of his element.

“Dev.”

“Hmm?”

“You didn’t fly to New York to drink coffee with me. Talk.”

He sighed, sitting his mug down on the coffee table and turning towards her.

“Inds, we’re worried about you.”

Indy scoffed, a short, automatic sound.

“I’m fine.”

“No, you aren’t. You really, really aren’t. You’re running yourself into the ground for no good reason.”

“I’m trying to pay rent,” she countered, but even she knew it wasn’t true.

“Your hospital job pays more than rent. Jet’s is just because you’re scared to let your mind rest.”

Indy didn’t have an answer, so she sipped her coffee instead, cursing herself for telling Charlie everything in a moment of weakness. The silence was loud, and Devin sighed to break it after far too long.

“Have you talked to him? Since?”

Her throat was tight. “No.”

Devin wrung his hands together. “You do know it was fucked up what he did, right?”

“Dev-”

“I’m just making sure you know that. You can still make your own decision on however you wanna navigate it in the future, but you have to acknowledge that what he did was a new level of shitty. And he’s a good guy, I really do think he is, but he fucked you over, and you’re my family. And I protect my family. So I just need you to know that you didn’t deserve what he did to you, and he fucked up. Big time.”

“Right.”

“Okay, good.”

She let him believe it, though she’d only said it to appease him. She wondered if he would feel differently, if he had seen. If he had felt, the way that Grayson had shook in her arms, the way his sobs seemed to be ripping him apart every moment that he was hurting her. She wanted to pull up her phone, show him the pictures from the beach, show him that he was hurting too, that he didn’t want to hurt her. She wanted to prove it to him.

“When does your semester start?” He asked, pulling her mind off of it. She swallowed hard, then took another drink of coffee.

Indiana had spent three days in self pity when she got back from the airport. She let the misery have her fully - didn’t change her clothes, barely ate, hardly left her bedroom. And then, after that, she picked herself up and got to work. She applied for her tech job and called Patrick to see if she could get the schedules to align, and more importantly, she’d started to run numbers.

Medical school. Just the application fees alone were going to hit her budget hard, so much so that she reduced it down to two. JCU, and UCLA.

Her applications had gotten accepted three days prior, along with an email about a scholarship she was eligible for at UCLA that made it comparable to JCU’s tuition. But the money wasn’t the issue, and when it was time to accept, she knew that UCLA wouldn’t hold her spot forever.

She’d taken a deep breath, and emailed the registrar.

“I deferred.”

She was embarrassed to say it outloud, and for some reason it was the brick of the dam that fell, and her tears began to flow. She felt Devin’s hand on her shoulder before he spoke.

“Good.”

She hadn’t expected him to be mean - in fact, the meanest thing she’d ever heard him say was what he’d just said about Grayson. But it still shocked her enough to have her frowning.

“Good?”

“Indy. Do you realize how long you’ve been a student? Do you know who you are outside of being one?”

“I-”

“You’re the smartest person I know, and I love you, but I think you need to take a step back and really look at what you’re doing. Take a semester, fuck, take a year. Live. Breathe. You’re already ahead, and you’ll still be ahead.”

“I’m not worried about being ahead, Dev,” she whispered, running her hands over her face.

“Then what are you worried about?” There was a sincerness in his voice, and a gentleness in the way he held her hand that made her cry even harder.

“I just don’t know what the fuck to do anymore,” she blubbered, grateful when he pulled her over to his chest in a hug. He let her cry it out for a while, waiting until she was calm enough to hear him.

“I don’t have the answer to that, but I say, ask yourself what you really want the rest of your life to look like, and then do whatever you have to to get there. If it’s being a doctor, great. If it’s not, great. Just as long as it’s what you want.”

She took a shaky breath in, and blew it out through her lips, simply giving him a nod.

The problem was, she knew exactly what she wanted - and he was off in Los Angeles, cowering behind his brother.

“Baby, woah, hey, take it easy,” Ethan cautioned, side stepping into the war path she’d outlined, headed straight for Grayson. Her eyes were fire when she looked at her boyfriend and raised an eyebrow.

“He’s having a rough night, just take it easy,” he added.

He stoked the flames.

“You know who else is probably having a rough fucking night? Indiana. And we are gonna talk later-” she poked a finger into Ethan’s chest - “but right now, I’m not talking to you so I suggest you get out of my way.”

There was a bite in her tone that had Ethan rocking back on his heels, questioning just how far his duties as protective brother would go. He breathed out a sigh when he felt Grayson’s hand on his shoulder.

“It’s fine E.”

He’d never admit it, but Grayson had been waiting. Ever since he pulled away on New Year’s, he had waited for the punishment. The anger, the disbelief, the spite that he thought would arise in Indiana at the realization of what he’d done.

It wasn’t until he got off the plane and into his room that he realized his true punishment would be the guilt, and the grief, and the realization that he’d pushed away the only future he’d ever truly known he wanted.

The anger was a welcomed change.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck, Grayson.”

“I know.”

“I don’t say a lot of shit about a lot of shit, but whoever you decide to be with could possibly end up as part of my family, forever, so fuck me if I’m invested, and I think I deserve an explanation on why I just got a call from Charlie to see if I’d talked to Indy, cause she’s ‘really going through it’.”

“I didn’t want to hurt her.” His eyes turned glossy, and Ethan stood up straighter.

“The fuck you didn’t,” she scoffed, running her hand through her hair to push her curls out of her face. “You realize how badly you fucked up, right? Right?”

“Yes.”

“And that you broke her heart right? Probably absolutely fucking destroyed her.”

“Eden-” Ethan spoke up.

“Yes,” Grayson answered, his chest tight. He wrapped his arms around himself, willed them to hold him together. It felt different, to have someone say it to him so directly, to confirm what he had done.

“Then why? Just… why?”

“Long distance wouldn’t have worked, and I didn’t want -”

“Oh bullshit. No one would have tried harder than Indiana to make that work, you fucking know that.”

“She shouldn’t have to deal with that, with me being so far away -”

“God you fucking self-sacrificial fuck!” She yelled. “She loved you, you moron, and when you love someone, you give! You hit a crossroads, you sit down and have a fucking conversation, and you fucking give! That’s what a fucking real relationship looks like, not you deciding that you don’t deserve to be loved and running in the other fucking direction!” Her face was red when she stopped to catch her breath. Ethan looked just as shocked at the outburst as his brother. Her mind seemed to catch up to her ears, and she backtracked.

“Sorry, fuck, that was -”

“No, you're right. You’re right. Everything you said was fucking right,” Grayson didn’t even try to hide his tears. He blubbered into his hands, ugly choking sobs that he wasn’t sure how he even produced. Ethan was at his side immediately, arm wrapped around his shoulders.

“What do I do?” He asked, voice muffled by his hands until he finally raised his head and looked at Eden with pleading eyes, waiting for an answer she was reluctant to give.

“You let her live. Don’t text her, don’t call her. If she calls, you don’t answer. When you go home, you don’t see her. You let her let go, and move on.”

All he could do was nod, and lean into his brother.

Indy leaned against the wall. It was cold and unrelenting against her shoulder, but it held her up better than her own legs would. She’d dropped Devin off at the airport that afternoon, and found herself back on the ped’s floor, waiting.

Valentina spotted her first from the nurses station, and the way she held her clipboard made it look like a weapon.

“My eyes better be deceiving me, cause’ I know that is not Indiana Cross standing in my hallway on her day off.”

Indy found it in her to laugh dryly. “Relax Val, I’m here to see Beks. Haven’t gotten to visit her off the clock for a while.”

Valentina still gave her signature disapproving stare, but she gave it up with a sigh. “Well, her family is visiting too. Mom and Dad, if you wanna say hi.”

It had been a long time since she’d seen Mr. and Mrs. Newcomb. They were lovely people, and they truly did come see her as often as they could. But they also worked two jobs a piece to try to foot the medical bills, which meant often was scarce.

Indy had never seen them in the same room before, and her stomach tightened. She was hesitant to go to Bekah’s room, scared to interrupt, but when she peaked her head around her doorway, she saw the couple sitting on the couch in the room quietly.

Mrs. Newcomb spotted her, eyes brightening as she waved her inside.

“Come in, come in!”

Indy was still hesitant as she walked inside, eyes darting over to a sleeping Bekah. She was curled up under her halloween blanket, brows furrowed down and skin pale.

“Hi Indiana, how are you sweet girl?” Mrs. Newcomb asked.

“I’m good, I’m sorry to interrupt, I just thought I might stop by and check on her but I don’t want to intrude.”

“No, no you’re fine! She was actually asking about you just before she went to sleep, you and Earring, whoever that is. Hang on.”

Indy watched as she moved over to the edge of her daughter’s bed, running her thumb along her cheek until she started to stir.

“Sweetheart, Indiana is here to see you. Can you open your eyes for me?”

Bekah whined, but pulled her eyes open, smiling slightly when Indiana moved into her view.

“Hey punk,” Indy said, crouching down so she could get to her level.

“Hey,” she whispered, voice hoarse. On instinct, Indy reached out to fix her head wrap, making Bekah’s mother smile. “What time is it?”

“6:55,” Indy answered.

“Mmm. Meds coming soon,” she mumbled. “Where’s Earrings? He doesn’t like needles, don’t let him see the needles.”

“No needles baby,” Mrs. Newcomb said. “Just some to make you feel better. You rest now.”

“Earrings,” she said again, and Indy could tell she was asking.

“He’ll be here to see you soon,” Indy lied, rubbing over her wrap like she would her hair if it was still there.

It didn’t click for Indiana until 7 rolled around, and Jennifer came in with a cup of pills instead of an IV pole.

Radiation and chemo don’t come in pills, Indy knew that much.

Mrs. Newcomb watched the realization come across her face, and she gave her a sympathetic smile.

“She’s… she didn’t get her meds.”

“Indiana baby, it’s what she wants. The new round didn’t work, the stem cells failed. It’s time to let her rest. We’ll keep her comfortable, the doctor says it’ll probably be a few weeks, maybe a month.”

Indy’s throat burned, and her breathing quickened, chest rising much too fast. She couldn’t say goodbye to anyone - it took all her focus to make it out of the building, running down the stairs and across the lobby before she was dry heaving in the bushes, the sight of Bekah’s frail body in her bed appearing every time she closed her eyes.

It wasn’t a conscious decision. More of an instinct, really, that drove her to pull her phone out of her pocket and pull him up and call.

In LA, Grayson’s phone buzzed against his nightstand. A new picture of Indiana popped up - her contact photo that he’d taken one day in Jersey. With a knot in his throat and Eden’s voice in his ears, he reached over and turned it off before rolling away and letting his tears soak into the pillowcase.

#mixtape #SO SORRY #im prepared for the yelling again #grayson dolan #grayson dolan fanfiction

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one-abuse-survivor · 3 years

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Do you have any tips on how you deal with your bad trauma days that you're comfortable sharing? I know they won't work for everyone, but I'm having a bit of a nasty trauma day and I'm not quite sure how to handle it tbh. thank you in advance :]

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day :( I don't mind sharing, and even if I can only share the things that help me personally, I really hope some of this can help you or someone else! And, of course, the following tips are all coming from someone who is not living in an unsafe or abusive situation anymore; so this might not be helpful for someone having a bad trauma day while still being in a traumatic situation.

I think, for me, one of the most important steps of getting through bad trauma days is to realise I'm having a bad trauma day. During those days, it's easy to get carried away by my messy thoughts and emotions and take them as fact. For example, I might feel really hopeless, or defensive, or out of control, and in the moment those feelings are so real it's hard to remember how it is to not feel that way. It's like my brain decides this is what life as a whole feels like and rolls with it.

When this happens, I try to ask myself is this: “was I feeling this way yesterday?” (or an hour ago, or a three days ago?). “Did I feel like there was no hope for me or like everything was too much and too painful yesterday?” Most often, this far into my recovery, the answer is no. I was having a fine day yesterday. Everything felt under control yesterday. And remembering this this helps me believe it'll feel that way again tomorrow and that what I'm feeling right now is temporary—it's a wave I've ridden many times before, and I just have to ride it again.

Once I've realised this, I take a few minutes to accept that the next few hours or couple or days are gonna be rough and messy, and I’m allowed to not be hard on myself for not achieving the same things I would on a normal day. You know those posts that say "your best looks different every day"? During bad trauma days, I make an effort to accept that my best is going to be very very low, and that's okay. It's okay if all I do is survive, rest, and work on soothing myself and riding the wave. With some luck, everything else will be able to wait a little bit—a couple of hours at the very least.

What I do to get through the worst of it varies. Sometimes, I lie in bed stay away from people and my phone for a bit, because I know I might say or do something impulsive or hurtful. I allow myself as much time as I need to go through all the heavy and ugly emotions and cry if I need to, and only move out of bed when I feel a bit more in charge of myself again.

Sometimes, I vent-write about the emotions I'm going through to express myself. I usually write stories where the characters are experiencing the same things as I am but for completely different reasons so I don't trigger myself further by remembering my own experiences.

Sometimes, I do things that comfort and distract me, like watch a feel-good movie I've watched 30 times or funny/cute videos online.

I always try to allow myself anything my body tells me I need in the moment (as long as it's not self-destructive, of course). If I'm craving something salty, I'll eat a bag of chips, for example. If I need to cancel plans, or to turn the lights off, or to lie down, or to put on clothes with soothing textures, or to hug a stuffed toy, I'll do those things. If I start falling asleep, I allow myself to fall asleep. I've found when I'm in distress it's pretty easy for me to know what my body needs, but it's also easy to try to deny myself those things because I feel like “they're silly or I don't deserve them”. So I make a conscious effort to fight that voice and try to treat myself like a would any sick person I was taking care of: with compassion.

In addition, I think it’s a good idea to keep around things or tools you might need in future bad days. For example, when I cry, I usually crave something tasty afterwards, so I try to keep a small stash of snacks around that I can turn to on bad days (since during those days I might not be able to go buy them). Other people might find it helpful to have apps like Calm Harm or Emergency Chat installed, or to carry a comfort item or a stim toy around, or to own an extra soft blanket or something you bought for the sole purpose of breaking it if you really need to break something at any point.

Of course, not all these things can always be done—sometimes you're not home or you have responsibilities to attend to, and can’t just take a nap or distract yourself. But I think just being aware of your needs during bad trauma days, and allowing yourself to meet those needs when possible even if it means putting almost everything else on hold for a little bit, can really go a long way.

I also think even though an important part of trauma recovery can be to step out of your comfort zone and face things that feel scary and unsafe, during bad trauma days it's okay to stay in your comfort zone and not face those things. So if, for example, busses make you feel unsafe or anxious, but you're making an effort to ride them when you need to (instead of avoiding them at all costs), I think it's okay if facing the bus is too much during a bad trauma day and you end up avoiding it. You don’t need to be hard on yourself for it. Again, your best doesn’t have to look like it usually does. Bad trauma days are survival days, not recovery days. You can work on continuing to recover when you're feeling better again.

Sending a virtual hug ❤ I hope you feel better soon, and if anyone else wants to share their advice, you’re more than welcome to!

#ask #trauma #trauma recovery #ptsd #cptsd #ptsd recovery #cptsd recovery #abuse mention #trauma tw #abuse recovery

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catthecoder · 4 years

Text

tag game - get to know me

tagged by the awesome @orangenfrottee - thank you, i haven’t done one of these in ages and these questions sound like so much fun! 💕

1. what is the color of your hairbrush? it’s grey on the back with black handle

2. name a food you never eat - hmm, i used to be such a picky eater but i recently slowly started eating a lot of food i used to despise... if you asked me a few months ago, i could write up a rather long list, but right now? the only thing that comes to mind are picked cucumbers 😬

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? too cold, 100%. somehow, my body stays cold even when it is like 30 degrees, which is hella weird.

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? eating lunch! i made bagels with ricotta, ham, cheese, egg and avocado and i had a couple of baby cucumbers along with it (mind you, not pickled ones) and it was super delicious.

5. what’s your favorite candy bar? i think twix is my favourite? or perhaps this slovak bar called ‘horalky’, which is basically wafers with peanut filling and sides dipped in chocolate... god, now i want one so desperately.

6. have you ever been to a professional sports game? i used to watch hockey a lot and i’ve been to a couple of games.

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? huh, i think it was my order when i went for coffee a couple of hours ago? (i got a latte and a piece of apple crumble cake, in case anybody’s wondering)

8. what is your favorite ice cream? i could eat ben&jerry every day, so it’s probably their ‘half baked’ or ‘phish food’. also, i’d die for a good mango sorbet.

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? plain old water

10. do you like your wallet? i like how small and practical it is..... i’m trying to recall the last time i actually took it out of my backpack and i’m coming very short.

11. what is the last thing you ate? the bagels from question 4!

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i bought a pair of new masks last thursday and they arrived on monday - does that count?

13. what’s the last sporting event you watched? haha, does the bake off count as a sporting event? if not, i think it would be some skiing competitions (slalom) last winter - my parents follow them rather closely and it kind of rubs off on me when i’m home with them.

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? salty mixed with sweet!

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? my boyfriend.

16. ever been camping? does setting up a tent in friend’s backyard and sleeping there count? if so, then yes.

17. do you take vitamins? not really... i sometimes take c during autumn for immunity, but i haven’t bought any this year so far... oh, i am taking probiotics right now, though i’m not sure whether that counts as vitamins.

18. do you regularly attend a place of worship? no.

19. do you have a tan? no, if i try to tan, i just turn pink (or red). though i’m pretty sure my skin is marginally lighter underneath where i wear my watch.

20. do you prefer Chinese or pizza? if going out, pizza; if i’m cooking, chinese.

21. do you drink your soda through a straw? if there’s ice in it, then yes; otherwise, i tend to skip the straw.

22. what color socks do you usually wear? black or white.

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? gonna be honest and say yes. not by crazy amounts or anything like that, but if i know the road and i can see quite far around and ahead, i will go 10ish% above the limit easily. not gonna lie, it’s especially easy on highways (though i nearly got fined last time i drove, so who knows how i’ll feel about it the next i’ll sit behind the wheel)

24. what terrifies you? haha, like i’m going to share that.

25. look to your left, what do you see? a shelf with alcohol bottles, glasses that don’t fit into our kitchen cabinet, an assortment of cameras and other photography equipment and a scanner. oh, and a window.

26. what chore do you hate most? taking out our organic waste bin - it starts smelling very bad very quickly plus the bin for it downstairs hadn’t been taken out in a very long time and it’s always covered by fruit flies and smells veeeery bad and i’m feeling yucky just thinking about it.

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? i think - hah, that person is australian, how cool.

28. what’s your favorite soda? i love san pellegrino. limonata is my go to, but i recently had lemon & mint and my god, that one is amazing.

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? i go in, even if i drove there - i don’t like eating in my car.

30. what’s your favorite number? i’ve always had a special connection to number three, so let’s go with that.

31. who’s the last person you talked to? depends on what you mean by talked to - actually spoke to, with my voice? the bartender at my favourite coffee shop. had a meaningful conversation? probably with a customer service employee who’s helping me resolve an issue. just chatted to, without much of a point? my boyfriend.

32. favorite meat? hmm, probably ham?

33. last song you listened to? i’m currently listening to ‘cigarette daydreams’ by ‘cage the elephant’, though that’s going to change in a minute and half.

34. last book you read? ‘renegades’ by marissa meyer! it was so. good! i started the second book, ‘archnemesis’ yesterday and i’m even more in love. 100% recommend if you’re into superhero stories with secret identities and enemies-to-friends(-to-lovers). such an amazing series.

35. favorite day of the week? what even are days?

36. can you say the alphabet backwards? only crazy people can.

37. how do you like your coffee? oat latte with a bit of honey.

38. favorite pair of shoes? i own way too many shoes to be able to pick a single favourite pair.

39. time you normally get up? between 8:30 and 9:00.

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets.

41. how many blankets are on your bed? none. there is one on the couch though.

42. describe your kitchen plates? we found this kitchen set in tesco after eating from paper plates for at least a week after moving in - there are four bowls, four small plates and four big plates (a year layer, we found two extra big bowls matching our set) - the bowls are grey from outside and white on the inside; the small plates are grey on the top and white on the bottom and the big plates are white on top and grey on bottom.

43. describe your kitchen at the moment: very small - a third of it is a stove (with two heating pads? circles? whatever), another third is a sink and the last third is workspace with a small shelf for spices, cutlery etc, and a cutting board and knives stand. most of the workspace is taken up by a cutting board i used to cut avocado and cucumbers for lunch and there is a tiny pan (and i mean really tiny, like one egg sized) leftover on the stove. i’m probably going to do the dishes after i finish answering these.

44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? i’m not that picky, i’ll drink almost anything. i think i prefer fruity drinks though - i really like french martini or sex on the beach.

45. do you play cards? we used to play cards a lot with my parents and sister (and grandparents as well) - i love playing canasta, but you need four people for that, so i haven’t actually played in months... we also played a lot of joker and i taught my boyfriend to play this summer (not that he didn’t know how to play, he just wasn’t particularly good)... and we also play poker with a couple of our friends here from time to time

46. what color is your car? this is going to sound so bad, but i am actual not sure? we ended up finding quite a good deal on a car we wanted to get after uni, so we bought it - however, it is back in slovakia and both me and my boyfriend are stuck in uk right now. it’s either black or very dark blue, but for the love of my life, i can’t remember and the photos i found weren’t helpful at. all. (if it weren’t for covid, i’d be able to answer this question a lot better). oh, and the car i had before (my mom’s old car) is red.

47. can you change a tire? i like to think i’d be able to (after enough googling and youtube videos), but if there was somebody else with me, i’d gladly let them do it.

48. your favorite state or province? like in usa or what? i guess new york.

49. favorite job you’ve had? i don’t think i’ve particularly enjoyed any of the jobs i had so far - if i had to pick, i’d say working in an ice-cream shop, because if there is one thing that could make work during a very hot summer even slightly bearable, it’s the fact that every so often, you can nibble on a bit of an ice-cream.

i’m tagging @stonerbughead @strangenightsofdaydreams and @i-know-you-can - i know there is like 50 questions and that’s a lot, but they were actually a lot of fun?

#tag game #i haven't done one of these in so long #and i really enjoyed most of these questions!

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deanwinchestermydaddy · 4 years

Text

TO SEE YOU AGAIN (DEAN WINCHESTER STORY) PART. 19

Dean's POV:

"Where are we going?" she asked as she leans her head on my shoulder and I moved my arm and put it around her, "to Indiana is where we will meet Bobby," I said and she nodded. I really didn't know how I was going to do it and say that the next few hours are the last ones that I will spend with her.

~HOURS LATER~

Y/n exchange seats with Sam and now she was in the back while Sam was in front with me. We have been on the road for hours and I glance back at her and I see her sleeping, then I took a deep breath, "you haven't told her?" Sam said making my head snap towards him, "what do you think, huh? She wouldn't have been happy with what I did" I said and Sam nodded, "but you have to tell her, you know that right?" he said, and even when I hate to admit he was right, "how Sam? You saw her when Scott almost die and she couldn't do anything, you saw how she broke down, I cannot.. I just... I... I... I just can't" I said thinking of a way but nothing seems to work, "so what Dean, you just expect her to just see you die in front of her eyes and not know a thing!" he said raising his voice, then he looked back at her. Everything fell into silence for a few moments.

"Hey Dean?" he said, "yeah," I said keeping my eyes on the road, "you if this doesn't... this doesn't go the way we want, I want you to know..." I had to cut him off cause I knew where this was going, "no, no, no, no, no, no" I said shaking my head, "no what?" he said looking at me and I glance at him for a moment, " You're not gonna bust out for me this goodbye speech for me and if this is my last day on Earth don't want it to be socially awkward" I said when I turn on the radio, "you know what I do want?" I said as I stopped on a song.

"Bon Jovi?" Sam said looking at me, suddenly I felt someone putting their hands on my chest and kissing my cheek from behind, "Bon Jovi rocks... on occasion" I said smiling as Y/n kissed me once again, "he's right" she said and Sam chuckle. Then I started to sing the song while Y/n smile just like Sam, "C' Mon Sammy sing!" I said he slowly started to sing along with me, "C' Mon Sweetheart I know you know this song!" I said and she shakes her head but started to sing with us and all of us were smiling. I just wanted to keep this on my mind as a beautiful memory that I will always cherish with my brother and my girlfriend. Then it hit me how I was going to tell her that I am going to Hell.

Sam's POV:

Soon we arrived at the cabin where we were going to meet Bobby and there he will tell us the exact location of Lilith.

We get out of the car and Bobby is waiting for us at the door and he smiles once he see Y/n with a wider smile on her lips as she kind of runs to his arms to hug him, "Uncle Bobby!" she said embracing him tightly, "I missed you too kid" he said and she looked at him, "I never said I missed you, but I cannot lie to you Bobby I did" she said and caused all of us to chuckle. then Bobby went to hug me and Dean. He kept looking at both of us but more Dean.

We were all around the map that Bobby had set. He started the ritual while all of us watched him, suddenly the pendulum stops and we know the exact place where she is.

"Alright. Let's go." I said while I push the things towards Bobby, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Let's all shut up there, Tex" Dean said and I looked at him, "What's the problem?" I said approaching him, "What's the problem? Come on, where do I begin? I mean, first of all, we don't even know if Lilith holds my deal. We're going off of Bela's Intel? Now when that bitch breathes, the air comes out crooked. Okay. Second, even if we could get to Lilith, we have no way to yank her. And third, isn't this the same Lilith that wants your giant head on a pike? Should I continue?" Dean said after he makes sure that Y/n wasn't there to hear about his deal, "Ain't you just bringing down the room" Bobby said as he placed his hands on the table looking at Dean, "Yeah, well, it's a gift" Dean said chuckling while me and Bobby just looked at him, "I'm sorry, so then what are we supposed to do, Dean?" I said looking at him, "Just 'cause I gotta die doesn't mean you have to, okay. Either we go in smart or we don't go in at all" he said lower to make sure Y/n didn't hear him and Bobby was studying him, " Okay, fine. If that's the case I have the answer" I said not believing how he was acting, " You do?" he said looking straight to my eyes, "Yeah. A sure-fire way to confirm it's Lilith and a way to get us a bona fide demon-killing Ginsu", "Damn it, Sam, no" he said and before I could answer another voice was heard and made all of us turn to see Y/n standing on the door, "hey I think its time to get something to eat. I will be right back" she said smiling while all of us nodded, "I will go with you. I need time to think" I said looking at Dean then at her giving her a fake smile, "okay, so we will be right back," she said and she walked up to Dean and gave him a kiss on the lips and a kiss on the cheek to Bobby, then we walked out leaving them there.

Dean's POV:

I sight in relief as Y/n was out of the cabin.

"she has no idea right?" Bobby said making me turn and I sight as I looked at him before I looked away, "Bobby what do you expect me to tell her. 'oh yeah by the way maybe I will only be with you for a year or less because I made a deal to save my brother sweetheart, so enjoy the time we have" I said and he just shook his head, "look, boy, she needs to know sooner or later, better soon and if you are not going to tell her I will cause that girl means a lot to me, just as much you do, but I can't see her go through something like that again" Bobby said, "no Bobby I just need time to figure out a way to break it down to her" I said pausing, "then can you please take her away when is time for all this to happen. You should not come back either. This isn't your fight." I said and he moved his head again, "family don't end with blood, boy! Do you think I will be able to keep her from coming and trying to save you huh? You are really an idjit if you think she would stay with her arms crossed" he said moving forward, "I know but I just want to protect her" I said looking down.

Minutes later I heard the purr of Baby, the door of the cabin and when I turn I am met with a slap on my face, "I deserve that" I said and then she continues to push me and slap my chest as I try to hold her, "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?! YOU MUST THINK I AM FUCKING STUPID!" she said with tears on her eyes as she looked at me, I could feel mine and her pain it was a strange feeling, "look, sweetheart I h-" I said but soon I was cut off, "Don't you dare to say that you had to Dean there are other freaking ways!" she said more calmly, but still crying, "look I'm sorry I had no other option at the time," I said and she just closed her eyes and tears started to run down her cheeks and how hard she swallows, "how- how-how long do you have?" she asked and I saw how hard it was for her to speak.

"30 hours," I said then I looked her as my own tears started to run down my own face, her lips started to tremble as she looked at me. I slowly started to approach her and she started to cry harder, I was afraid that if I try to pull her to my arms she was going to reject me again, but I did it anyway. I put my arms around her and she just hugs me tighter as if she didn't she was going to lose me, but in reality, she was at the end of the day. She started to break down and I felt how her world was crashing down 'cause of me, " I'm sorry Dean I-I shouldn't have reacted that way. but I can't lose you......Dean just hold me please" she said with her voice breaking down and I did just hold her close to me, "I- I-I- I can't go on without you Dean, I need you" she whispered as I had my arm around her and the other held her head and kissing it, "I love you, baby, so much," I said holding her closer to me, as soon as I said that I felt her hold me tighter. I never imagined that the first time I will say 'I love you' will be like this, "I love you too Dean," she said as she looked up and kissed my lips, but the kiss felt different it had a deeper meaning.

Y/n's POV:

As all of us arrived at the house where Lilith was and I stopped Dean, "I love you okay, never forget about it, Dean. You are a great man that doesn't deserve this or anything bad that had to happen to you, you deserve all the happiness on the entire world, do you hear me, I love you Dean Winchester" I said as I try to hold my tears, but as he pulled me to kiss I felt how the saltiness of them on the kiss that we shared, "I love you damn much sweetheart and I wish we could have more time so I can show you all that you mean to me" he said and I just hugged him tightly, "I know Dean, I know" I said and before we walked in we shared another kiss.

Sam's POV:

We were in a room Y/n, Dean, Meg, and I try to stop the Hellhound from entering. Then Meg pins me and Y/n to the wall and Dean to the table. It wasn't Meg it was Lilith when the last bell went off, she let the Hellhound enter and I looked at Y/n and she and Dean locked eyes for a final time, "I love you" both of them mouthed to each other before the Hellhound started to rip my brother. I couldn't contain my tears as I watched what was going on and not being able to do something killed me more than anything. As he was being ripped he started to scream but it wasn't only his, Y/n was screaming like if she was going through the same thing, that causes Lilith to get distracted like if she realized something, "it can't be?" she said as she kept her eyes locked on Y/n and then moved to Dean and I used my powers and she stopped holding us and as soon as she let us go Y/n moved to hold Dean's limp body and I did the same as Lilith left the body of the girl.

Dean's POV:

I was suspended and with hooks piercing my skin, I am bloody and sweaty and completely terrified, " HELP! NO! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" I scream but no one can hear me, "SAM! Y/N!" was all I could think and scream about.

Then everything goes to black as I continue to scream.

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onceuponatimewithhaleigh · 4 years

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Time to catch up!

I'm so sorry I kinda vanished! Well, I didn't kind of vanish. I straight poofed. So I'm going to catch you guys up on what's happened since the start of August. Quite a lot has gone on, and I needed to kinda - I don't really know? Mentally I was just gone. Like August happened? I don't remember it. But anyhow here we go!

My Skin Spot:

Not cancer! My doctor so politely told me "Sometimes spots just pop up as we... get older." So. Guess I'm just gonna have some serious blemishes the older I get. Haha! I mean, not going to lie, I'm salty about it. But I'd rather be 'getting old' than have cancer. So that's all good!

Meeting with Dr. Lak:

Doctor Lak is my future surgeon for my gastric bypass. She's really really nice. Super friendly and super supportive. She got me all setup - so I have a slue of appointments made. Due to my insurance, I have to see a dietitian for six months consecutively before I can have the surgery. I also have to pass a nicotine test. So - I have to quit smoking ASAP. Which, I need to anyhow. (more on my smoking at the end lol) but overall she was absolutely fantastic!

College(Part One):

Before classes started I talked to my amazing Academic Advisor, Kathrine - and I told her some of my interests and my plans for after college. And we both kinda poked around at my minoring in Photography. To me, that wasn't really enough, so I am now a double major!

OBGYN:

I haven't said anything here, but I have plans in becoming a mother as soon as my health permits. Now I am not in a relationship, nor do I plan to be. I want to be a single mother. Some people think I'm absolutely bat-shit crazy for that. But I think, for me that is the best thing. I have an extremely supportive family, and I have zero doubt in my mind that my child will be loved as much and so much more than they'd ever possibly need! The issue here was A. my weight. B. my family has a history of fertility issues. C. I have PCOS. D. I don't have a partner haha, Kinda need two to tango ;) That all being said, I had mentioned this to my OBGYN, who retired randomly on me in March(with no notice - canceled pre-existing appointments, and with no doctors accepting new patients). I had been telling him about bad pains I'd been having for a while, and he never really listened to me or made any move to investigate. I did my own research, as well as spoke to people about it - and thought I may have Endometriosis. I brought my thoughts to him. He shrugged and said "That's probably it." and made Z E R O effort to figure it out. After three months of pain being horrible to the point sometimes when I was driving, I'd have a flare-up and I'd have to pull over because the pain was so bad I couldn't breathe or see. Then he retired. Then there were no doctors accepting anyone new. So. FINALLY - August 10th I get into a new OBGYN, Dr. Curtis. The first impression was "dudes young and super hip this is gonna be weird..." I'm weird when it comes to doctors, but doctors messing around down there I'm even weirder LOL. I feel like if my OB was a woman there's some weird competition 'Mines prettier...' I have no idea don't judge me xD I told him my wants and things and he told me sadly some older doctors just don't care. they're very black and white. And he was spot on. He told me I probably don't have endometriosis. Put me back on birth control, told me to have the gastric surgery, and then he'd get me in for an exam, and he'd get me to a fertility clinic. He supported me 100% in wanting to become a single mother. He did say that I was the youngest he'd ever seen himself, but he had no issues moving forward with me doing that. Told me a year after surgery, he'd get me to a clinic and we'd get me a baby xD

Dietitian:

My dietitian's name is Andrea, and guys, I love her. She is so goofy as scatterbrained it makes me giggle! I learned a lot during that call though! (all my appointments with gastric have been on the computer/phone) So, this hospital does post-surgery stuff differently than any others in the area, and they've found it's got the best results. So after surgery, I'd usually be on a liquid diet for 6 weeks. Which is standard. Nope! Not here! After surgery, I'll be on a pure protein diet. Not shakes- PUREAED MEAT. How gross right? Meat slushie anyone? Gag lol She goes "Everyone seems to love the pureed eggs" and I literally gagged in the call xD This is gonna be the death of me. Another thing that had me completely shook was that with a stomach the size of an EGG after surgery, I still have to drink 64oz of water a day. She said I can only drink 2oz at a time. So I basically have to take a shot of water every 10 minutes ALL DAY LONG. But! I can't drink anything at all for 30 minutes BEFORE I eat, I can't drink WHILE EATING(which I have to eat 3/4 a cup over 45 minutes-_-), and I can't drink shit for 30 minutes AFTER I eat. So. This shit's gonna be wild man. I'm excited but anxious as hell. And for the rest of my life, I'll be taking vitamin supplements.

Weight:

Currently, my weight is 417lbs

College(Part Two):

So. Friday(Aug. 28th) before the term starts, I have a massive breakdown. That Monday the first week the course was available to look at. We could submit anything, but we could go in and do the work and submit it later. Well. I got in there in my Introduction to Liberal Arts(IDS-100), and boooyyy did I overreact. :) I freaked out. I got overwhelmed because my IDS-100 professor is a very longwinded man. The email I had gotten made everything seem way way more complicated than necessary. And I basically went into spiral mode.

'is a college education reallllyyyy that important?'

'What's the point?'

'I'm gonna fail anyhow, so why try?'

'My family will think I'm a failure...'

'I shouldn't even try, so I don't fail.'

A whole slue of shit thoughts went through my head, and I took it, man. That little demon in my brain just bitching "Never good enough. Not smart enough! Failure." And I sat there and took it like a little bitch. I got so bad I called my advisor, Good ole Kathrine, and LUCKY FOR ME; she was busy and didn't answer. I had the ability to talk to another advisor, but I didn't wanna sob into a stranger's ear so LOL. I called my dad when I was balls deep into a panic attack, and he came down and talked me out of it, and then told me he'd sit with me when I do classwork so he can help if I need it. Which, It's not really that I need help, I was worried about my comprehension of the information I read in class. Because I'm a very visual learner and one of those that talks shit out. And being online, I'm alone in my room so uh lol But yeah. He talked me down, got me all calmed down. Then the next day, my advisor called and asked why I'd called and she apologized for not being available and I laughed and told her straight "It's better you were busy, Cause I'd have dropped out." and she was shocked. Told her all of what happened and what was going on in my head and she told me she was gonna set up weekly appointments with me after each module opens. a new module opens every Monday. and she said she was gonna call me every Tuesday. I went on a spiel about how I feel ridiculous cause I'm being a burden. And she squashed that thought hella fast. So long story short. I am so blessed to have a support system between my dad and my wonderful advisor Kathrine. Lol

Boooo:

I gained a new allergy and lost an old one. I have no idea how that worked. But. No longer allergic to Soy. But now have a TERRIBLE reaction to all dairy products... Which fuckin blows because I live in Wisconsin, and I L O V E cheese. -_- Cheese hates me. :(BYE GUYS!

Whoops!

Forgot about the smoking bit, this is an Edit lmao Basically - TOTALLY thought I could drop smoking cold turkey cause that's how I'd done it every time I'd quit smoking before. Welp. Not this time :) I was a raging bitch, and a HORRIBLE migraine that was so bad I couldn't do ANYTHING. And to top it all off, I had a panic attack lol So. It's the time of year I usually start to quit anyhow. I'm so weird. I'm a seasonal smoker. Living in Wisconsin I am NOT keen on smoking in below zero temperatures in winter. I'd like to keep my fingers. This year I started smoking earlier than usual because I was out of state where freezing winter temperatures were a minimum of like, 37*F and I'm like *cackles in Wisconsinite* CHILDS PLAY!!! So, I started smoking again in December lol Anyway, now- my dad's in control of my smokes. He gives me my daily allowance in a ziplock bag which made me laugh so fucking hard because just like I actually said to him "I feel like you're my dealer and I'm sneaking something naughty!" lol Right now I'm aloud 10 a day. Which is probably 3-5 less than I usually smoke a day. So. I'm kinda feeling it. But my dads controlling them. So this should be fun. :) That's all! Bye guys!

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go-our-own-ways · 5 years

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Gundam NT - Experience and Initial Thoughts

Hello tumblr...it’s only been 94857589746575 years, eh?

Well. So it finally happened. Gundam NT finally got an official run in America, and I finally got to see it. I’ve finally seen the dang mecha movie that I’ve been dying to see since last November.

Finally!!!

But, not without some dramatic mishaps at first (lol).

I was lucky enough to have my local theater showing the movie, but it took them 20 minutes to get the movie running (it was just a dead screen up until then)...only for us to realize it was for Bohemian Rhapsody, and not, in fact, for Gundam NT. Some jokes were made from the other movie-goers (”Gee, Macross sure looks funny!” “Hey Hawthorn you okay there?”) but soon the chatter turned into serious consternation and concern. Eventually, theater staff told us the movie couldn’t be shown because the projector didn’t have it, so we all filed out of the theater to head to Guest Services. While we waited in line to get vouchers (in lieu of a refund), we were also told that staff was working to fix the issue, so we were welcome to go back to the theater to wait it out.

And boy am I glad I decided to go back up, because soon enough, they had it up and running. THANK GOD.

Unfortunately, they skipped over most of the bonus footage featuring the interview and introduction from the producer and director in the interest of time... I’m actually really sad and salty about that, but it’s better than not seeing the movie at all, at least.

And so, after like 30-40 (or maybe more?!) minutes delay...we finally began the movie proper. LMAO.

Before diving into things, a bit of a head’s up:

Frankly, I’m new to Gundam, and I’m by no means well-versed in Gundam lore. Additionally, I’m also not someone who is usually nitpicky about details in animation or story-telling. So, my POV is basically of a casual bystander who happened to check out the franchise, and decided to stick around because it seems fun and interesting. If you’re someone who is more or less opposite to me...then this “review” of sorts is definitely not for you.

Actual movie thoughts under the cut! Not spoiler free!!!

I’m not gonna lie...honestly my memory of the movie is really cluttered and foggy. However, despite this, I still very much enjoyed watching the movie!

So...pacing. I’m no expert, but I seriously feel like this movie could have benefited from getting like maybe 2 hours of screen time rather than an hour and thirty minutes. It felt like the production team was trying to cram SO MUCH into TOO LITTLE time that the whole movie felt really fast. Despite this, the tension build-up was definitely there, especially as we got closer and closer to the end. About halfway into the movie I began to clutch my coat and scarf (it was quite chilly out today) really tightly just out of the continued anticipation of what will happen next...needless to say, my hands are now very sore, lol.

I do wish the plot wasn’t revealed in such a non-linear way. Of course, flashbacks and the like are sure to be used in storytelling, but much of NT’s story-telling felt more like oddly-placed snippets that went back in time, rather than a series of flashbacks. For the most part, I’d say each of the trips back into the past were important and revealed important information...but it made the movie feel cluttered and kind of all over the place. And honestly, the non-linear way NT’s narrative was told made it difficult to keep up with what was going on and how everything tied into it all until the very, very end. That’s probably my one gripe about this movie, I think.

Now, despite the pacing and the scrambled nature of the plotline, NT was still a lot of fun for me to watch, and I think I can credit the fight scenes, the characters, and the acting for that. The fight scenes were thrilling to see on a BIG ASS SCREEN, for one. And then just generally anxiously waiting at the edge of my seat to see how the battle would pan out is of course always a thrilling part of (my so far very short) Gundam experience. Animation-wise I really don’t know if I can say anything, since I didn’t notice anything especially jarring or bad. But, I’m also terrible at noticing small details when it comes to animation, so it could have also missed it.

The characters were a pleasure to watch, in my opinion. Rita honestly seemed like a cooky mystic Newytpe for most of the movie, and it really grated on my nerves. I kept thinking, “Surely there’s more to her than wondering about heaven and wanting to be reincarnated as a bird.” But the very end of the movie finally revealed the more human side of her, and that definitely made me feel better about her as a character. I do wish they could have shown more of Rita’s human-ness, but I suppose in the interest of time, they couldn’t.

Michelle seemed really cool, up until she started to look like a nasty manipulative player with huge stakes on the line. But as more and more of her story unfolded, I began to see the layers of the onion, so to speak. I was glad that she wasn’t just a vengeful person greedy for power, and at the same time I was also glad she wasn’t just another corner in a love triangle. Her humanity was evident, but I wished that we could have seen more of it through showing rather than telling. Ultimately, it was Brick who made the final reveal on Michelle’s true character in his last message to Jona, and I just wish that we could’ve seen more of it through Michelle’s own actions instead. We did get glimpses of it, of course, and I suppose maybe choosing to not show it much was to reflect that side of Michelle’s character--someone who guards her personal emotions closely and puts on a show, a facade for the public to see. But even then, I still wish we could’ve had more glimpses into Michelle’s humanity through her own actions.

Jona, Jona, Jona... Where do I even begin. Ultimately, I resonated with his humanity the most, I think. Seeing how much he still thought about those years with the lab even after all this time, how angry he was with Michelle, how distraught he was over Rita being taken away...it all felt very raw and very human. I guess it was just all very relatable, seeing how emotional Jona could be. I’m a pretty emotional person myself in the sense that I feel emotions very intensely, and it seemed like Jona’s personality was like that, too.

He says a line towards the end of the movie where he’s wondering out loud what is the point of continuing to live. He pretty much wonders, after the only people you cared about have left, after you’ve witnessed such horrendous things, after you’ve had to LIVE through such awful events...what even is the point anymore? I really felt for him in that moment. It made me remember how much I’ve wanted to give up before when everything seemed to be terrible and miserable in life. When nothing seems to go well, what point is there to continue going on, right?

Then there’s the returning characters from Unicorn. I was happy to see all the characters who returned, of course, but MAN...I was SO happy to see Banagher finally, at the very end of the movie. And the words of encouragement he says to Jona...the classic “Even so...” MAN. MAN OH MAN did I cry...! Like I mentioned before, I was already really resonating with Jona in like the prior scene, so the emotion from seeing Banagher again combined with the emotions from HEARING those words of hope...that really did a number on my heart, and in a good way.

The dub cast did a fantastic job, I thought. Normally, I feel like I’m suffering every time I have to watch a dub, but the cast made it work for this movie. I think the only bone I have to pick would be Rita’s dub actress, and that may just be personal preference. I figure the actress was told to sound kind of mystic and airy (since that’s basically Rita’s personality for about 99% of the movie, so that’s a fair direction to take with the acting), but it sounded a smidge too...fake? plastic? for me to really buy into. But again, this is probably just me being picky, lol. I LOVED the acting for the other 3 main characters though (Jona, Michelle, and Zoltan). I have to commend Jona’s dub actor (Griffin Puatu) because he really pulled off a similar tone and feel to Enoki Junya’s acting, I thought. (At least, based on the long preview; I’ve yet to watch the first 23 minutes of the JP version of the movie.) I have other thoughts for the other actors but I think I’ll leave them for another day... Also, I’m merely a fan when it comes to voice acting, so these are purely just the feelings and thoughts the performances gave me as a viewer, and nothing more.

So, after having seen Unicorn AND Narrative, I really get the sense that the story of Newtypes, and I guess Gundam on the whole, is about humanity. At its very core, Gundam is seeking to tell a story about the differences that could tear us apart, but also the humanity that holds us together. It feels like watching a story that tries to remind us that at the end of the day, no matter our differences, we’re all human, and we ought to remember that if we ever hope to survive as a species.

Furthermore, I really feel like Gundam is trying to show the importance of both communication and emotion. Both UC and NT showed how Newtypes can communicate on a higher level, but that communication typically ultimately conveyed the person’s feelings and will. Sure, we got thoughts and important backstory too, but I think the main thing we tend to get from their communications is emotion--what is that person feeling, and how is that emotion then translating into the actions they’re taking. Not only that, but we also then see the subsequent actions taken in response to being revealed someone’s deepest, innermost feelings. Of course, there were times when the person was mercilessly murdered, be it by accident/misunderstanding or out of “necessity,” but there were also moments where the action taken ended up being to withdraw an attack, or to let go of the captured person.

Maybe this is just me going off on a limb, but I think that’s a really important message to take in. Communication is important, but what’s even more important is communicating our emotions to others, and respecting others’ emotions in turn. That’s probably the big message I take away from seeing the Newtypes’ stories in Unicorn and Narrative.

Well, needless to say, I’m now very curious to see how the UC plotline continues on. We’re already slated for another movie this upcoming winter, so I guess I’ll have to wait until then. In the meantime...I suppose I’ll finally get around to finishing Origin (lol). Even if the next movie doesn’t show much of the previous characters, or even if the JP voice cast doesn’t feature anyone I know, I think I know too much of the plot now to be able to abandon the series.

All in all, NT was a fun movie to watch. I definitely don’t recommend watching it if you haven’t watched Unicorn yet, but once you get through Unicorn, NT is a nice way to wrap up the story from that point of the UC timeline.

Now to eagerly await the BD release for those sweet, sweet bonus materials! :3c

#this ended up way longer than I originally intended oops #oh well!!! LOL #gundam NT

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promisedangel · 6 years

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BronyCon 2018 Highlights

Wednesday

-Pretty rocky day of travel. Ended up getting to Baltimare (yes, I’m going to pun it this whole post) around eleven pm. Mostly because of stops and a storm on the way in. By then, I was pretty cranky. -The Hilton staff didn’t help this. I won’t do into much detail, but let’s just say there were problems with our room situation and the person seemed either untrained or unprepared for this. It ended up taking an hour to get into our rooms because of it >.> I unpacked only a few things before I went straight to bed, still surly.

Thursday

-Day zero. We used this day to go to the aquarium! We got there pretty early so we could enjoy it slowly. The most surprising exhibit was the Golden Tameren Lion Monkey up top in the Amazon Exhibit. He was a lazy little darling. -We got to see the dolphins do a couple of tricks during the nurturing show, where they showed us the dolphins’ curriculum and how they stay in shape. -There was a giant sea turtle! She was so cute! She was in this huge tank with other fish and we finally got a good shot of her sleeping in some coral! -Got to pet a ray in the touch tank and pet some jellyfish! I knew they’re soft, but they live up to the name in spades! -The cafe the aquarium has was REALLY good. Cheap and they give you a lot of food that doesn’t taste cheap. -So, they take a picture on the way in. We decided to get a few copies of the picture. One of our friends wore a green shirt that blended in the green screen. The lovely ladies at the photo desk not only showed us this but also uploaded the picture onto our digital copies for free!! -Swung by the convention center to pick up our badges. Little more crowded than last year but was still an easy pickup. -Most of us swam in the hotel pool. we had a lovely time horsing around. :P -Had some pizza and relaxed the rest of the night. A friend introduced us to the Fallout board game, but we only played for about an hour before most of us were too tired to continue (mostly because of swimmer’s eye for me, I think).

Friday

-Day one. Went to opening ceremonies, but I ducked out early in order to go back to the room and change into my Pinkie Pie cosplay and bring The Cake of Friendship down to the con! -I went straight to autographs and got M.A Larson, the first of many guests we got this time around! His handler REALLY liked the cake. -Met back up with my friends and went with Green Ranger Dashie. A few of us, including him, organized to give Dwillstinator a gift. We showed it to him, the hat, and he flipped out. IT FIT PERFECTLY! -to the cosplay photoshoot. We had some fun talking with Blue Star (I think that was his pony name?) and some Flim Flam Brothers cosplayers had some fun before they were ‘chased’ out of Harmony Plaza by my friends and a few others. -The “Quillin’ It with the MLP Writers” panel was amazing. Nick Confalone was hilarious, Amy Keaton Rogers was a little nervous, but M.A Larson had some awesome deleted scenes from Slice of Life! It was a great panel. -Went to Them’s Writing Words, but I didn’t really absorb much since I was standing, holding the cake, and standing near the back. It was alright. -Went to the community guest panel to FINALLY get Nowacking’s signature. Missed him last year and I’m SO glad I was able to get him this year. -Went down to the vendor hall. Bought a couple of things and took pictures so a co-worker could choose a gift. -Got some food, briefly went back to the vendor hall, and changed out of my Pinkie Pie cosplay. -I placed fourth in the Prance tournament!!! Also, another person from our local meetup group placed first! Way to represent northeastern Ohio! -Briefly went to Bronypalooza. Then I went to relax at karaoke until I finally was able to sing. I was the last one to get a number and I sang “This Day Aria”. -A dance group went after me. They were pretty good. -I was too tired to continue on at this point. I went back to the room and passed out.

Saturday

-Day two. -We decided to try the buffet breakfast at the Hilton. Pretty good! -Jackbox games with the MLP crew was kinda funny and relaxing. -went to “Singing Studio Vs. Broadway”. Lot of interesting information. Not gonna lie; I got a little salty that they cut the question line right before I would ask my question. I was only going to ask Gabe and Michelle what their expeirences in recording western animation vs. anime. I’ve heard form a lot of anime voice actors that there are some differences and I wanted a take from someone who’s more versed in western animation. -A couple friends and I tried to get Tabitha’s autograph, but they capped the line way before we got there. I ended up changing out of my pinkie cosplay early. Came back to get Lena Hall’s signature!! Though we had to miss Tabitha’s panel and Pinkie Tales to get it D: But we got all the singatures we wanted except Tabitha during all that time! :D -Went back to the vendor hall to get a quick present! -caught the end of The Princess Paradox, which gave a new perspective on Twilight’s character development. -Got some dinner then got to the Screaming into the Mic panel. Very informative and fun! -Went back to the room to drop off my purchases and the cake. Then went back down and decided to go to Peter New’s 21+ panel. Lots of laughs and signing strange body parts. I was going to see Gabe and Michelle’s set in Bronypalooza, but this was fun. -Went to the 2D vs. 3D panel. I noticed there was a certain 3D animator there we wanted on the cake. I rushed back up to the room to get the cake and got armademon to sign the cake! -The Advanced writer’s panel was interesting! The five questions deep point was so funny! -Got tired, so I went back to the room and passed out. I somehow didn’t wake when ppl came back at about 2:30 AM.

Sunday

-Final day. -Went to autographs early to get Tabitha St. Germain as soon as we could! I was pretty chill about it, but the two boys accompanying me freaked out either during or after. We had a lot of in line talking with people. -We decided to go down to the vendor hall quickly; I had to show someone in our group where I bought my T-shirts! Decided to explore down there for a while. -At 2, we did an Escape Room based on Edgar Allen Poe. I wasn’t too good with it, but I did help with a couple puzzles and had fun! We succeeded with 9 minutes and twenty seconds to spare! -Ran back down to the vendor hall cuz I forgot to buy a keychain! Got there in time. -We went back to the room because the damn keys no longer worked, even though they said we didn’t have to come back Sunday to re-instate the keys (LIARS!). Ran back down to closing ceremonies just in time to hear the news that BronyCon will be 4 days next year, but will be the end!!! I took it kinda hard at first, mostly cuz of the running around and the ceremony starting with ppl still in line. One of our group took it REALLY hard. -Helped two of our group pack up and leave. They had business monday and didn’t want to be late. -Ended up getting food, but that whole situation wasn’t fun. Not going into details. I’m still surly about it. -I was left to relax alone until bed since I was one of the drivers. Gave me time to catch up on my Tumblr feed the past few days.

Monday

-Time to go home. We checked out before 11 AM. We ended up getting a bellhop to our room. He helped with the remainder of our stuff. Tipped him for his trouble. -One of us ended up getting a hug from Dwillstinator. Now he knows for sure they’re friends. -we said our goodbyes once again to Baltimare. We know that at least a few of us are coming next year. I’m already planning to save up for a big Cadance cosplay, I just need to find a good dressmaker.

#bronycon 2018 #bronycon #promised reacts #long post #I'll post pictures of my swag later

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lalka-laski · 3 years

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1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? There are so many reasons why that’s an absolute NOPE.

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Hell nah

3. Have you taken someone’s virginity? Supposedly

4. Is trust a big issue for you? If anything I am TOO trusting. So it’s an issue for me, just not in the conventional sense.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? We live together & spend almost every waking/non-working moment together. And surprisingly never get sick of each other!

6. What are you excited for? Mexican & margs tonight with my ladies! Also, I’m getting my latest Starbucks addiction when I get out of work: iced oat milk brown sugar shaken espresso. SO GOOD!

7. What happened tonight? Tonight hasn’t happened yet. But see above for my plans^

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? I’d be the biggest hypocrite of all hypocrites if I thought that...HA

9. Is confidence cute? Absolutely. But sometimes I find it off-putting just because I’m salty & jealous that *I* can’t feel that way about myself.

10. What is the last beverage you had? Ginger & turmeric tea

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 2-3ish

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? It’s what I’m wearing right now

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? That’s tonight

14. What are you going to spend money on next? Food & drinks tonight 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? Sure am

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Yeah

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Glenn, my sisters, my best friends

18. The last time you felt broken? I had a really bad depressive episode a month or so ago. It was awful.

19. Have you had sex today? Nope

20. Are you starting to realize anything? Uhh... 21. Are you in a good mood? Yeah, all things considered. I don’t have much to complain about!

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? No thank you

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Yes, although his are more blue and mine are more green.

24. What do you want right this second? My Starbucks drink! And maybe a breakfast sammy while I’m at it.

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? Oh I would LOSE MY ENTIRE MIND. Good thing that’ll never happen.

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Nah, I dye it significantly lighter.

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Nah

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? A Tiktok that Nat just sent me

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Yes

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Most of the time, yes.

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? Considering I live with him & am engaged to him, I’d hope not!

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? Ha see above

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? Nah, I wish though. I love sugary drinks.

34. Listening to? Just my desk fan

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Never

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? He’s home

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? Not really

38. Who did you last call? Kathleen

39. Who was the last person you danced with? Glenn

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? 'Cause I was leaving for the morning & saying goodbye

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? It’s been a minute. I’m not much of a cupcake person.

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? No, I won’t see them

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? I embarrass myself in front of EVERYONE

44. Do you tan in the nude? I don’t tan, period.

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? No way

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No, I went in the bedroom hours earlier than Glenn & just passed out cold.

47. Who was the last person to call you? Grubhub, lol

48. Do you sing in the shower? Mhm

49. Do you dance in the car? Totally

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Yes actually

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? It’s been awhile. But HOPEFULLY we will take our engagement pics soon.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? They can be, but it’s part of the fun.

53. Is Christmas stressful? It is but it’s an acceptable kind of stress. For me, anyways.

54. Ever eat a pierogi? BITCH DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Cherry or dutch apple

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Author & illustrator

57. Do you believe in ghosts? Mhm

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Frequently

59. Take a vitamin daily? Yep

60. Wear slippers? Sometimes, but most of the time I prefer to just be barefoot

61. Wear a bath robe? Sometimes. I have a few really cute ones that I should wear more.

62. What do you wear to bed? Usually just an oversized tee shirt or night-gown. No pants

63. First concert? Teddy Geiger

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? I guess I’d choose Target but I’m not gonna lie. I love walking around a Walmart. Everyone makes fun of me but I don’t care! Plus, you can get some really great deals.

65. Nike or Adidas? No preference

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos ALL DAY

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Neither

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? I really like the song Paper Rings from Lover. 69. Ever take dance lessons? Nope

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? He’s an acupuncturist

71. Can you curl your tongue? Yep

72. Ever won a spelling bee? I’ve never been in one. I feel like I should’ve been though? So that’s kinda bogus!

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Oh OFTEN!

74. What is your favorite book? I couldn’t possibly just choose one.

75. Do you study better with or without music? Without. Or maybe occasionally something instrumental but even that can distract me

76. Regularly burn incense? Nah, I hate the scent & all incense smells the same to me.

77. Ever been in love? Yep, currently

78. Who would you like to see in concert? The Killers (again)

79. What was the last concert you saw? Mat Kearney

80. Hot tea or cold tea? Hot

81. Tea or coffee? Both!

82. Favorite type of cookie? Chocolate chip or oatmeal! (NO raisins, though)

83. Can you swim well? Decently. I kinda wanna take lessons to learn some actual strokes though

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yep

85. Are you patient? Quite the opposite 86. DJ or band, at a wedding? We are leaning towards a DJ just for cost’s sake but I’d LOVE a live band. I’d actually love to have Janine’s band play my reception but she will have too many bridesmaid duties that day- dang it!

87. Ever won a contest? Mhm

88. Ever have plastic surgery? No but I have a list of work I’d like done if I could ever afford it

89. Which are better black or green olives? I don’t like either

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Do you boo!

91. Best room for a fireplace? The living room.

92. Do you want to get married? We intend to :)

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lets-idont-even-know · 7 years

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1-100

1. What are your hobbies?-Working out, playing video games, playing ukulele2. If you could have dinner with any 3 living or dead people, who would they be and why?-Selena Gomez, cuz god damn I want to meet her so badly. Lauren Sanderson for the same reason. And Lisa Kudrow because l love friends and I wanna hear all about it from her3. What makes you laugh?-Comedians and children falling4. What was the last good thing that happened to you?-I got my internship in San Diego for the summer5. What is your biggest goal?-To marry the woman of my dreams and be financially stable and happy 6. What do you think is the meaning of life?-To make the most out of it, however you can7. Do you believe in an afterlife?-Yes8. Do you have any pet peeves?-Semi trucks passing each other, asking for advice but completely disregarding it, and having your read receipts off (which Faith has hers off and it bugs the living shit out of me 🙃)9. What do you like to do on the weekends?-Ummm when I'm at home I do the same thing I do all week and play video games. But when I'm at school I go to parties and do my homework during the day 10. What was your favorite TV show growing up?-Wizards of Waverly Place11. What is your favorite TV show now?-FRIENDS12. What are your favorite movies?-Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Hurt Locker13. Tell me one surprising fact about you.-I'm not really surprising, what you see is pretty much what you get14. What do you look for in a significant other?-Someone who understands sacrifice, someone who is kind, someone who is understanding, someone who will reciprocate all of the love I show them, and someone who will always do whatever they can to pick me up when I'm down. 15. What were you like as a child?-Really really angry because I was in the closet for 10 years and wasn't happy with my life at all16. What are some things on your bucket list?-To go skydiving, meet Selena Gomez, get married to the woman of my dreams, have children17. Who has had the biggest influence on your life?-Honestly, I can't pin that down to one person. There's a couple people who have had a definite influence on who I am today 18. Do you have any pets or have you ever owned any?-I have a dog19. Talk about a challenge you had recently and how you overcame it or how you plan to.-I was struggling really hard to get an internship and it seemed like every place I applied just wasn't interested or I couldn't do it and I finally just kept at it and found the perfect opportunity 20. If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what song would you choose and why?-Anyone by Lauren Sanderson21. Talk about a favorite childhood memory.-the day we got our dog. We got him when he was a couple weeks old and he was such a little cutie and I remember how happy having him made me 22. What is your favorite commercial?-I hate commercials 23. If you could give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be and why?-Stop being angry, your time will come. Just let yourself be happy and you'll come out when you can and you'll be accepted24. If you were stuck on a deserted island and could only bring one thing, what would it be?-My girlfriend 25. Who is your celebrity crush?-Selena Gomez26. Who is your favorite musical artist?-SELENA GOMEZ AND LAUREN SANDERSON27. What is your favorite music genre?-Pop28. What is your favorite color?-Purple29. What would you do if you won a million dollars?-Move Faith here, get her anything she wants, and take care of my parents 30. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?-Flying31. What is your dream vacation?-An Italian Villa with the girl I love 32. What actor or actress would star as you in a movie about your life?-Selena Gomez pretty please33. Where did you grow up?-Central Indiana34. If you could trade lives with anyone else for one day, who would you trade with?-Lauren Sanderson35. What is your favorite book?-Jerk, California 36. Who is your favorite author?-Don't have one 37. Who do you look up to?-Selena Gomez, Lauren Sanderson, Demi Lovato38. What is your favorite food ever?-Mashed potatoes 39. Are you a picky eater?-Kind of 40. Drunken story time! Go!-This one time literally a couple weeks ago, I was really fucking drunk at a party across the street from campus. Well it started storming really really badly and I wasn't about to get in the car with my drunk friend. So I decided to sprint across campus back to my dorm. I got across the street and sprinted all the way to the main building, stood under the awning for like a minute, ran to another building and stood under the awning. Then, while having an asthma attack and trying not to get struck by lighting while completely hammered, I took off my hat and wasn't gonna stop running until I got back to my dorm building. It was still a solid 5 minute run. So I took off. I got to the building and was dripping wet. Like I just got out of the shower with all of my clothes on. And my asthma was killing me BUT I didn't throw up!41. What beverage do you consume most often?-Pepsi 42. What is the first thing you wash in the shower?-My hair 43. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?-Absolutely. I'll be kissin her soon 44. How are you feeling right now?-tired but happy and at peace45. Do you plan out your outfits?-Sometimes46. What is the closest red item to you?-my PS4 controller has a red Nike covering on it47. Talk about the last dream you remember having.-It was my dream where Donald Trump stole my puppies, I'll reblog it48. Do you love yourself?-Much more than I used to 49. When was the last time you cried and why?-3 weeks ago I think 50. Have you ever met a celebrity?-Unfortunately no 51. Have you ever been to a concert?-Yes52. What are you listening to right now?-Kodaline53. Have you ever flown in an airplane?-Yeahhh54. What is the craziest thing you've ever done?-I don't do too many crazy things but the craziest thing I guess I've ever done is borrow my friend's car to go meet my ex girlfriend who lived in Iowa and I couldn't use my debit card or they'd know and I ended up using it in Indiana for has a couple times and had to lie but yeah it was pretty crazy for me. I don't do crazy things 55. Are your parents or guardians strict?-Yeah kind of 56. Did you have a good childhood?-My childhood wasn't happy but my parents did the best they could for me so I guess so. Some people don't get that lucky so I'm appreciative 57. Have you ever been in love?-A couple times 58. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?-Depends 59. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life ever apologize?-No and I don't expect them to 60. What are some of your turn-ons?-Neck kissing, aggression, wondering hands, ear biting61. What are some of your turn-offs?-Skipping foreplay, not listening to what I say I want 62. Would you go skydiving?-Yes63. What are you thinking about right now?-How happy Faith makes me 64. Do you ever rent movies?-Sometimes65. Do you ever illegally download entertainment such as music, movies, etc.?-No66. What is your zodiac sign?-Gemini67. Do you believe in karma or predestiny?-Yeah 68. Is there anything you want to say to anyone right now?-Yeah69. Would you rather live a shorter life but be wealthy or live a longer life and struggle financially?-Wealthy 70. What is your stance on abortion?-Pro choice my dude71. Do you believe in ghosts?-ABSOLUTELY72. Who do you admire and why?-Lauren Sanderson because she never stops going after exactly what she wants and she doesn't settle for anything less than her dreams and she puts in all the hard work to get where she wants to be73. What was your worst experience while under the influence of drugs or alcohol?-I punched a wall at a party once 74. Have you ever had a near-death experience?-Yeah probably75. What do you daydream about?-I don't daydream76. Where do you want to live after retirement?-I don't know77. What would you change your first name to?-I wouldn't 78. If you believe in a God or Higher Power, what one question would you want to ask Him or Her?-why do you let your children suffer with illnesses like cancer and allowing some to be so unhappy they feel like suicide is their only option 79. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic?-I'm a lot more optimistic these days80. Are you more introverted or extroverted?-Introverted 81. What is your dream profession?-Acting, honestly 82. What do you worry about most?-My future and if im going to succeed 83. When was the last time you tried something new and what was it?-I honestly don't know 84. Who do you compare yourself to?-Nobody anymore85. What excites you about life?-Having the opportunity to love the girl that I do86. What five words would you use to describe your personality?-Funny, quiet, geek, weird, interesting87. What is one life lesson you learned the hard way?-sometimes things happen and you may not think it's for the best and it may be excruciating to go through, but you'll come out better at the end 88. What belief do you have that many people disagree with?-I don't know 89. If not now, then when?-What?90. Is it possible to lie without saying a word?-Yes91. What activities make you lose track of time?-Talking to Faith 92. If you had to teach an academic subject, what subject would you want to teach?-History93. What is your biggest regret?-I don't have regrets honestly 94. What will matter most to you when you're 80 years old?-If I was happy95. Are you a messy person or a clean person?-Eh a little of both 96. Are you a perfectionist?-Definitely not 97. How tall are you?-5'798. What is your guilty pleasure?-I don't have one 99. Do you prefer sweet or salty?-Sweet100. What is your favorite social media website?-Tumblr

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cosmosogler · 7 years

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i got four bottle caps today. two from fishing, one from collecting shards in the “fun adventure island”, and one when i won the lottery. i should probably go back to trying for gold bottle caps now that i’ve got a good fishing system in place for the silver ones.

that’s not really what i’m gonna talk about too much though.

i woke up before my alarm again, but still put my alarm on snooze when it did finally go off. i did not want to get out of bed at all.

this morning i kinda goofed off and grabbed some of the leftover rice for a quick lunch before i left for therapy. i could only eat like two-thirds of it though, it made me really sick. the only difference between this rice and the rice i had a few days ago was the enchilada sauce. but the bean burrito adventure with enchilada sauce didn’t make me sick before the first leftover meal.

i mostly spent my 45 minutes with the therapist complaining about my parents and worrying about my grad school applications. i gotta email florida back about the enrollment deadline... i’ll do that right after i call uic in the morning. they were 10 minutes closed when i went to call them. just missed.

oh yeah, and she can’t see me next week. so it’ll be two weeks before i see her again. for 45 minutes.

i dunno, that extra 15 minutes i usually get with other therapists makes a big difference... i feel like i don’t have much time to settle in and figure out what’s on my mind. i mean, i have the topics i want to bring up going in, but it takes a bit of meandering for me to really find something i can actually work on that week.

i picked up my meds on the way home and then spent the afternoon hanging out with eve, fishing for bottle caps, watching some tv show reviews and adding them to my watch list, and making myself sick with a small snack. it was a frozen cheese pizza. i put it in the oven and left it in longer than the directions said and it was still cold in one spot, which was frustrating.

when mom came home she asked to see my acceptance letter from florida and the paperwork i gotta send in by monday. she said things like “why aren’t you excited” and “you don’t seem excited” and “i just thought you would be happy that you got into one of your top choices” and “you should be more excited” and it made me kinda mad, so i acted less excited and even more vague and tight-lipped about it.

i watched the wind blow the leaves in the tree in our backyard while mom talked to herself about the logistics of coming to visit. it was nice out, but i didn’t want to go outside. i ended up not taking wiley for a walk today. i wanted to give my bug bites a little time to heal, and also i lost track of time and forgot. i’ll take him for a long walk with asher tomorrow maybe.

oh yeah, she told me about her boss’ daughter’s experience with mental health hospitals. she went to a fancy one down south that apparently cost “90,000 dollars.” she said that the daughter’s diagnosis was that she was “addicted to pain” and “could not be happy unless there was something wrong with her” and she had to have a whole bunch of surgeries before she came home, and also had to stop taking her meds. i kind of squinted at mom, trying to figure out what she was implying. well, that’s a lie. i knew what she was implying. i was trying to figure out if she was doing that on purpose.

i told her about the place i found that i liked and was gonna set up an appointment with before my sister and i leave for the concert next thursday.

quick aside - my sister loves k pop and we have tickets for the bts concert. it is an 8 hour drive away. i spent some time with my therapist trying to figure out what i was gonna do about my meds if the concerts went on late into the night.

anyway, mom decided it was necessary to tell me multiple times throughout the day that my aunt and her sister were both familiar with the mental health facility i was looking at. i couldn’t figure out why, so i ignored it, and then when she came home from work she asked if i had called and asked my aunt about the facility.

man, i don’t tell no one in my family about how i’m doing except sometimes gramma. i’m pretty sure they can tell there’s something wrong with me, but i don’t talk about it with them and they don’t generally ask other than a casual “how are you today?” which is our usual excuse to launch into long stories about whatever financial garbage we’re dealing with or if something has changed about our summer plans.

you know, stuff that’s more or less relevant to the whole family.

oh yeah, i got super mad in therapy today. not with the therapist. i was telling her about my hospital stays and how mom always talks over me. when i was in the hospital back in january after dad brought me home mom was telling the doctors about how i felt. and they were deferring to her when asking questions about my health! and i asked them to put the iv in my left arm instead of my right, so i could use my right arm, and they totally ignored me. i had to do everything left handed. like paperwork.

and the time after my heart surgery when a radio station mom liked was doing a fundraiser at the children’s hospital. we went to go on air and mom told everyone about how my whole life no one ever knew anything was wrong and it was so scary and she started crying and talking about being a parent.

i knew something was wrong. i started figuring it out around the time i started wanting to die in christian school. nobody had listened to me. they’d just called me lazy or said i had no pain tolerance. and even after the doctors said, you know, i have a huge heart problem and i am in like a lot of pain whenever i exert myself, i would ask to use a wheelchair at the mall or whatever and mom would say “you don’t really need that. everyone’s going to stare at you.”

so, like, my problem turned into mom’s sob story about how scary it is to have something wrong with your child. the dj never asked me one question about it. i just stared at the two of them sitting on the bench while mom cried into the microphone. i was 11. i knew how to talk.

after that when i would bring up therapy, like, after i turned 18, mom would jump to either i’m seeing a therapist because “you have ptsd from your heart surgery” or “you have autism.” i was talking to a therapist about my... depression and nightmares... but you know, whatever floats your boat mom. tell me more about how i’m addicted to melatonin and my medications turn me into “not yourself.”

man i’ve complained about this like five times and i’m still salty and don’t know what to do about it.

the one useful thing mom told me is that she looked into why doogles is eating poop. apparently pack animals do that to hide their pack’s tracks from other predators when a member of the family is sick, so they don’t get picked off by stronger animals. it is a reasonable fear, considering the coyotes that wander around in the ranch land behind our backyard. they are technically capable of jumping the fence, though i don’t think they would do it while our dogs were actually in the yard.

it’s because she knows eve is not doing well, probably because of the tumor. she tries to cover her own “tracks” too. when dad caught her at it tonight he got super mad and yelled at her. i told him there was a reason and he said he didn’t care. i set my jaw and followed him inside.

i had some stuffed mushrooms as a snack. i feel... ok, i guess. and i had plain pasta for dinner. i couldn’t finish the little bowl and i felt kinda junky but not too nauseous.

i think i lost track of time and started writing late, because it’s just past 12:40. i know i didn’t start until a few minutes after 12 since i was downstairs eating... i don’t like how easy it is to slip from my schedule. and no matter how early i get to bed i can’t seem to get up before 10. i go to bed at 1, can’t get up before 10. i go to bed close to 12, still get up at 10. i want to have a little more time in the mornings to maybe get stuff done, and a little more time between my morning and lunch medication doses, but that doesn’t seem like it’ll happen unless i can trick myself into getting up at 9 or 9:30.

ah, i forgot to draw today. that’s what it was. i don’t have too much to do tomorrow, just the phone call... and then i’m hanging out with asher in the afternoon. i will put my sketchbook back on my desk so i will see it when i get bored and open up youtube.

there was something else i wanted to talk about, but i think it was kind of a meta anecdote about how fleeting the little moments are, and how difficult they are to capture and write down. every now and then i’ll stop and think, and i’ll want to write the thought down here that evening, and i’ll have totally forgotten what it was by the time i sit down to write. sometimes i’ll send a message about it to asher and then write down what i texted basically word for word, but i don’t like to bother him constantly.

like, my life in my writing seems to take place in some nebulous black text in white space, but it doesn’t quite... give you the experience i was having, the tile on my feet, the bug bites, diogi snoring behind mom’s chair, the darkness of the house’s downstairs and how the windows are always shuttered, the wind chimes, the specific hue of the sky that always makes me think of my dreams and i can’t figure out why because the sky is usually the wrong color in my dreams. the million side programs running in my head while i try to have a conversation and i end up just saying nothing because why bother, or worse, i have something to say and just freeze up or stutter. and then mom sighs, because of course, and of course i’m just too stupid to talk coherently. one of my feet is super sore on the bottom every time i try to walk barefoot. my stomach is always uncomfortable and i almost always am aware of it. the split skin on my finger’s joint stings all the time.

there’s just so much stuff that i plain forget to talk about, and my posts ARE ALREADY SO LONG! there is too much that happens in one day to talk about all of it! even when nothing happens!!!

it’s 1 now. i should try to sleep. i’m real thirsty, but if i drink water now i’m gonna have to get up in a half hour.

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