#BUT. being aromantic and having different definitions of relationships in an amatonormative world.... it just starts feeling like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

patchver-mel · 3 days

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Saw aromantic trending so I wanna rant share about my experience being aroace :D

It never really occurred to me as a kid that I was different when it came to romance and stuff. Whenever my friends talk about crushes, I often think about an entirely different topic cause I could never relate. It never interested me since I never felt it. People would have crushes on others in school, celebrities, or something else. But it never occurred to me that having no attraction wasn’t the norm since I always thought I’ll find the “right person” someday. I was just like “everyone gets a romantic partner eventually, why should I rush it?” Which is why I didn’t feel out of place for my lack of attraction. I was never rushed by my peers, but I was taught that love eventually happens.

Figuring out and accepting I was aroace was definitely a slow burn for me. I knew what the label was and I think I kinda identified with it but it felt like a label I tacked on cause I was always thinking in the back of my mind that I’ll like someone someday. Overtime, I realized that the present is what matters when identifying as something, and right now, I can confidently say I’ll never feel sexual and romantic attraction. I’ve come to accept that I’m aroace and I’m very proud to be.

Upon this realization though, I’ve seen how much this world and a lot of people in it values romance. So. Much. Amatonormativity. There were multiple times where I would hang out with a friend of a different gender and friends of that person would be like “oh wow u finally got a partner” or something. Like, we were just talking, which is something that, literally, everyone does. Sometimes I feel like everyone expects me to marry when I don’t want to. One time my sister was talking about her celebrity crush and my mom said “everyone has a celebrity crush” and when I replied with “I don’t,” she said “aww” like it was sad or something. And I don’t understand why?? It’s not a bad thing to not have a crush on a popular person. Also, I’m glad the internet lets me see other people are also aroace cause a lot of the time, I feel lonely. Literally all the people in my life have either had a crush and/or been in a relationship. I’m not sad I don’t feel that same attraction, but I would like someone in my real life to talk to about this, someone who’s able to understand the lack of feelings I have, someone who has the same ideas about amatonormativity. Yeah I’m good with being alone, but it can get lonely when it feels like I’m the only one who doesn’t feel romantic and sexual attraction in a 100 mile radius. I don’t got a desire to partner up in any kind of relationship, so I have to accept that I’m most likely not the first priority for anyone due to me not being their lover.

Despite those struggles, I’m still very glad to be aroace. It feels so nice to know that I can live a life that’s not pictured for me already. I don’t want a partner, I don’t want kids, I don’t want to marry, and other stuff. Anyone can do that, but I love not feeling crushes. I don’t hate romance or sex, but I don’t really care about it when it comes to real life. I never felt like I had to conform when it came to romantic relationships and I’m gonna keep doing that. If someone had a button that could give me romantic and sexual feelings, I would take the batteries out and shatter it into a million pieces, cause I’m damn glad to be aroace.

This thing turned out way longer than I expected and I know I’m a little late for aromantic visibility day but I just wanted to pour all this out. Thanks for reading all the way if u did and happy pride month y’all :>

#lgbt #lgbtq+#aroace #acearo #asexual #aromantic #maybe I’ll do more rants like this #I’m so sorry it’s long

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kaleidoscopic-quiddity · 2 years

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ok nobody asked me to elaborate but heres my pjo a(ro)spec headcanons

piper: aromantic lesbian

the whole false memories thing with juno made shit SO difficult to figure out

like she was a 16yro girl, already struggling to figure out her place in the world vis a vi being nattive, being mixed, being adhd and dyslexic, and then her baby aro lesbian ass gets fake memories of a boyfriend??

her thing with jason was the biggest instance comphet+compallo attraction in existence okay

its not until piper gets away from the questing/camper life and subsequently, the aphrodite cabin, that she starts realising how she feels about romance and re-evaluating some stuff

considering her relationship with shel, i see her as romance positive/favourable but she defo has some complex feelings going on there

speaking of, piper was so focused on the revelation that she was aro that it took her a while to figure out she was lesbian too

she kind of assumed she was some flavour of ace for a while but other sapphics around camp clocked her and gently nudged her towards the realisation of ‘yes you dont feel that way about guys. but have you considered: women?’

piper: i thought not wanting to date anyone meant i didnt want to kiss anyone, but... i think.. i want to kiss girls

piper bolting awake at 3am after a dream about her time on the argo ii: oh shit i totally was into annabeth wasnt i?

leo: aromantic bi demi-grey-asexual

oh gods leo valdez

he has zero fucking clue he’s anything but straight and allo until reyna casually mentionsn one day that her and a lot of the other hunters are asexual

he’s only ever heard of gay, bi and lesbian so he asks reyna what ‘asexual’ means

cue the most epiphany prompting conversation of leo’s life

leo voice: wait so you’re telling me that there are some people who just like, arent interesting in sex, at all? and not only that, but ppl can feel that way about romance too?

once terms like demi and grey start getting thrown around too he kinda has a freak out and reyna sends him off with a book abt asexuality and aromanticism + some awkward advice

three months of introspection and more than a few breakdowns later leo figures out that hes aro, hes demi-grey-ace, and that that is most likely why his relationship with calypso didnt exactly work out

(he also thinks the terms cupioromantic and/or quoiromantic/sexual might aply to him but hes not wholly sure)

just like piper he had some major compallo going on, he just thought being ‘girl crazy’ was how guys his age were supposed to act and never questioned why it felt like more of a joke for him rather than his true feelings

he figures out the bi part once he goes to college and is like cmon man i already had one sexuality crisis do i really gotta do this shit again

jason: aromantic straight demisexual

jason wasnt raised with as much allo/amatonormativity as other ppl bc he was literally raised by wolves then the legion, but juno yoinking his memories kinda fucked with that

once again, serious case of compallo in regards to piper, he knew he found her pretty and liked her as a friend and didnt understand for a long time that a crush was supposed to be ‘different’ or ‘more than that’

jason struggles with his sense of identity and definitely has this strong heroic leader persona he puts up and well, the hero always gets the girl doesnt he?

he died before he got the chance to really figure out that he was a(ro)spec (and that there were words for what he was feeling) but he knew he felt different about romance and sex than most other teens

the fact that he was more worried about them not being friends anymore rather than losing his girlfriend when piper broke up with him kinda tipped him off

he did have some pretty big queerplatonic feelings for both piper and leo though which in hindsight kind of explains, other than the trauma, why he bonded with them so quickly

annabeth: biromantic asexual

a decent number of athena kids are aspec (their mom literally conceives via a ‘meeting of intelligent minds’, no sex required at all) so she kinda slot herself pretty easily into the ‘asexual’ label after realising that despite dating percy for literal years, she had zero interesting in getting more ‘physical’ with him

(percy is allo but doesnt give a shit about sex if annabeth doesnt give a shit about it. he’s just happy to be close to her)

precisely because of the fact that’d she’d been dating percy for years meant that figuring out the biromantic part took ages lmao

it feels really obvious to her in hindsight

annabeth: ‘oh gods percy i had a crush on thalia, i had a crush on clarisse, i had a flirtationship with piper, i almost had a crush on reyna’

percy, in the middle of his own bi crisis: i know the feeling wisegirl

she doesnt really,, do much?? after figuring out shes bi, annabeth’s already happily in a committed , monogamous relationship, but it feels nice for her to have learned something new about herself

overall i see her as sex neutral/indifferent, she doesnt hate the idea but its not something she’d really intentionally seek out

as mentioned, percy is pretty sex neutral/indifferent (but like, in the allo way) too so the two of them just never really bother lol

quickfire bonus round:

reyna, evidently, is our canon allo-ace queen. this isnt a headcanon i just like reminding people :) she’s also bi/pan oriented (she uses both terms interchangeably)

thalia is aroace and has never once gotten what all the hype is about, she assumed people were joking or like at least overexaggerating when they talked about romance and sex

artemis/diana is also aroace obviously (apollo is pan tho, theyre twins they balance each other out)

frank is demisexual n straight

calypso is demisexual and demi-lithromantic, pan oriented

travis stoll is allo-ace, connor stoll is aro-allo, they think this is hilarious

magnus chase is also greyromantic and demisexual, bi oriented

ok im done

#pjo #percy jackson and the olympians #hoo #heroes of olympus #pjo headcanons #hoo headcanons #any and all aphobes will meet a swift end #oh and percy is totally bi btw like fucking LOOK at him #og post //#*rubs my little aromantic gremlin hands all over your faves*

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aro-comics · 3 years

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Debunking Arophobia (Part 2)

NOTE: This entire series is dedicated to discussing arophobia and it’s harm - in case this isn’t something you want to see, I’m putting each post in this series underneath a read more.

Debunking Arophobia, Part 2/7 - A lot of the issues I've outlined in this part stem directly from amatonormativity. There is an overarching societal belief that you should do everything in your power to pursue a romantic relationship, and part of that belief is that everyone wants one 🙄😢😔 It doesn't acknowledge the legitimacy of an aromantic orientation. So I'm not trying to say that coming out will absolve these problems - nor that this behaviour is really that appropriate for anyone, alloromantic or not! 😅 (seriously, it's ... weird to give people *pressure* to start dating. That's such a personal decision and a boundary that's just not appropriate to cross imho) But being in the closet (or in this case, forcing yourself back into it) does bring a lot of challenges that maybe otherwise wouldn't exist. I'll go into it more in the following parts, but it's alienating to feel like the rest of the world can want something that you don't. I had an inkling of the fact that I was aromantic when I was a teenager, but I really, really didn't want to acknowledge it. I can't even put into words what it feels like to be this "stuck" in a limbo state when you can't acknowledge who you actually are, or what you really want. Even if the rest of the world might still give you this kind of amatonormative pressure after you come out (although in my experience, people are WAY more understanding after you explain and will even rescind those kind of comments), it's even harder when you give it to yourself. Which is why it's so important to accept your own identity/not give pressure to someone else to deny it 💚💚💚

[Image Description:

Slide 1: Celia talks with a mildly unimpressed expression, gesturing out with her hand, “Let’s also consider the following -”

Slide 2: “What if, after hearing this, you decide not to identify as aromantic?”

A guy with dark skin and curly natural hair holds an aromantic flag. He has an uncertain expression on his face.

Slide 3: “Instead, you just stay unlabelled.”

The character now stands in front of a background of various orientations written out with question marks, such as ‘straight?’, ‘bi?’, ‘pan?’, ‘omni?’, poly?’, and ‘achillean?’.

“(Which is definitely okay - you don’t have to label yourself)”

Slide 4: “But it does create a lot of inconveniences -”

A speech bubble emerges from the side, “How about you go out with my friend? She’s really nice, and pretty. When’s the last time you went out on a date, anyway?’”

He seems hesitant, and says “ah, wait-”

Slide 5: “Especially when you do have an inkling of what you know you (don’t) want.”

He walks outside with one of his friends, who puts one hand on his shoulder as she says “come on - it’ll be fun, you’ll like her”. He visibly tenses with an expression of discomfort, and tries to protest again.

Slide 6: “You’re stuck in this weird place, where you “should” want to date other people, or feel this desire for them in a romantic sense.

The guy is now shown sitting typing on his laptop. A little popup indicating his search: “Google: Why can’t I fall in love with anyone?”

Slide 7: The guy is shown being presented with flowers. He says “I’m REALLY sorry, I’m not interested that way-”.

Caption reads: “Maybe you don’t want to date anyone though, and when you choose to remain single ...”

Slide 8: “... people don’t understand.”

The guy is shown walking outside in the background. Two different characters who know him are talking to each other, with snippets of their conversation: “Did you hear about how he turned down - “ “that’s …”. They seem concerned and confused.

“And people like to talk about it.”

Slide 9: Text slide.

“It feels isolating. Why can’t you do the one thing that’s supposed to come easily to you, to everyone?”]

#RegularComic #DebunkingArophobia

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arowrimo · 3 years

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AroWriMo 2021 Roundup

Here is the compilation of all 48 works submitted to AroWriMo 2021!

We have a lot of variety this year - short stories, poetry, non-fiction, a play, song lyrics, a zine, flash fiction and some novel/novellas! Check out the impressive writing collected here and support the writers themselves - links to their other sites/accounts are included where possible. Give them a look/follow, and share the works you really enjoy!

Thanks to all who submitted and shared for a wonderful AroWriMo 2021, and I look forward to doing it again in 2022!

Play/Script

Leaving: A (very) Unfinished Stage Play by charcharcharace (blogspot)

Post, direct link (blogspot) Summary: A fractured personal narrative on entering and leaving an unhealthy relationship and the pain of being aromantic without that knowledge. Word Count: 1200 Theme: Humanity Language: English Genre: Personal CW: Depression, manipulation, unhealthy romantic relationship, processing self-blame

Novels/Novellas

Syrinxian Diamond: Chapter One by charcharcharace (blogspot)

Post, Direct link (blogspot) Summary: After a heist gone wrong, our hero is caught up in an interdimensional prophecy that just may bring them answers to the questions they don't know how to put into words, a feeling of difference, of not feeling right acting how they're supposed to act - but what other way is there to be? Follow our hero through desert ruins, the Wild West, a royal ball, and of course, a midnight trip to the library. Word Count: 2539 Prompt: Hope Theme: Fantasy, Ancient World Language: English Genre: Portal Fantasy, Heist CW: Unsupportive sibling, chapter one features the absence of knowledge of aromanticism, and doesn't feature aromanticism directly.

Oh, the truth shall set you free by @amanita-cynth

Summary: “I know exactly four things about Alway.” She said wryly. “She’s 23, a genius, she keeps at least three feet between her and other people at all times, and she can root out the truth like nobody else.” Of course, coming from another profiler, such an assessment carried a lot of weight. Eden Alway, the newest member of an FBI profiling unit, is odd even by their standards. But as they begin to pry more into her life and struggle with some of what they find, her past is racing to catch up with her and drag them into the storm that was her life. Featuring misunderstandings, odd behaviour, the constant problems of amatonormativity, and a rapidly escalating series of bizarre problems that they are in no way qualified for but definitely isn’t magic. Word Count: 11000 Prompt: Non-romantic Relationships, Self-reliance Theme: Fantasy Language: English Genre: Crime, portal fantasy CW: Romance, Violence, Gore, amatonormativity, religious imagery, mild body horror later on, currently a WIP

Lyrics

Embers by @clad-in-sunshine (Wordpress, Twitter)

Post, Direct link (tumblr), Direct link (wordpress) Summary: I’m terrible at picking titles. But I have been enjoying writing songs, and this is one I wrote for AroWriMo and the Valentines theme of ‘Love, Romance and Friendship’ at my local folk club. The middle part is entirely uninteresting to me, so this is more about love and friendship than anything else, and the various forms that can take. The tune is called 'Midnight on The Water'. Word Count: 479 Prompt: Non-romantic Relationships, Self-reliance Language: English Genre: Singer/songwriter, Folk

Games/Interactive Media

Superheroes Inc. by charcharcharace (blogspot)

Post, Direct link (blogspot) Summary: It's time for your first day as the Supervising Hero Response Manager at Superhero Incorporated, the largest collection of super heroes on the US West Coast. It's a big step up from your last job managing a team of five up-and-comers out of Chicago to supervising a nearly a hundred teams. Your priority, of course, is choosing which of the 12 big league heroes to have Shadow teleport to high crisis events. Word Count: 3000 Prompt: Future Theme: Sci-Fi Language: English Genre: Sci-Fi CW: Death, Bigotry

Comics/Zine

My Aro Heart: A Zine by charcharcharace (blogspot)

Post, Direct link (blogspot) Summary: A short zine about loving the aro community. Word Count: 50 Language: English Genre: Zine CW: Love (non-romantic)

Flash Fiction

#3 by @fuckin-fudge-nutter

Post link, Direct link (google docs) Word Count: 304 Prompt: Future Theme: Defying Expectations Language: English Genre: Realistic Fiction CW: Mild internalized arophobia

A Moth And No Flames by @voidpunk.kenku on Instagram

Post, Direct link (toyhou.se) Word Count: 337 Category: Flash Fiction Prompt: Hope Language: English Genre: gaslamp fantasy CW: insects

Future by 27twinsister on Ao3

Post, Direct link (Ao3) Summary: Hikari would be alone forever. He liked that idea. The note contains my headcanons for Hikari and what the words mean. Word Count: 146 Prompt: Future Language: English Fandom: Ressha Sentai ToQger, Nonomura Hikari Genre: Character study CW: None

Loveless by 27twinsister on Ao3

Post, Direct link (Ao3) Summary: Takeru and Akari love each other (not like that, this is genfic). Mentions “ love potions or something” in one line. The note contains my headcanons for Takeru and what the words mean. Word Count: 231 Prompt: Romo/loveless Language: English Fandom: Kamen Rider Ghost Genre: Fantasy/Supernatural, hurt/comfort CW: None given

Music by 27twinsister

Post, direct link (Ao3) Summary: Shinnosuke didn’t like silence. He liked being in an environment with other people, or with background noise. That only caused a bit of trouble at home once he lived with Kiriko. Word Count: 223 Category: Flash Fiction Prompt: Music Language: English Fandom: Kamen Rider Drive Genre: Character study CW: None

Freedom by 27twinsister

Post, direct link (Ao3) Summary: Eiji likes his freedom. The note contains my headcanons for Eiji and what the words mean. Word Count: 140 Category: Flash Fiction Prompt: Freedom Language: English Fandom: Kamen Rider OOO Genre: Character study CW: None

Mirror by 27twinsister

Post, direct link (Ao3) Summary: Tsukasa doesn’t dwell in any world. He just stays for as long as he needs. The note contains my headcanons for Tsukasa and what the words mean. Word Count: 223 Category: Flash Fiction Prompt: Music Language: English Fandom: Kamen Rider Decade Genre: Character study CW: None

Hope by 27twinsister

Post, Direct link (Ao3) Summary: Haruto is nervous about coming out. Word Count: 150 Category: Flash Fiction Prompt: Hope Language: English Fandom: Kamen Rider Wizard Genre: Character study CW: None

Self-Reliance by 27twinsister (Ao3)

Post, direct link (Ao3) Summary: Tsubasa likes to be alone. The note contains my headcanons for Tsubasa and what the words mean. Word Count: 161 Prompt: Self-reliance Language: English Fandom: Mahou Sentai Magiranger Genre: Character study CW: None

Non-Romantic Relationships by 27twinsister (Ao3)

Post, Direct link (Ao3) Summary: Jiro doesn’t know if his relationship with Yuki is romantic. But it’s special to him. The note contains my headcanons for Jiro and what the words mean Word Count: 209 Prompt: Non-Romantic Relationships Language: English Fandom: Dogengers Genre: Character study CW: Romance mention

Non-fiction

Thursday Thoughts: AroWriMo Week 1: Romo/Loveless & Future by @sophieakatz

Post, Direct link Word Count: 562 Prompt: Romo/Loveless, Future Language: English CW: Romance mention

The Future Is Arospec by aceofarrows

Post, Direct link Summary: This blog post talks about the nature of romantic attraction, why getting rid of amatonormativity is a worthwhile project, and how arospec people can help bring this about by getting involved in political activism and queer liberation. Word Count: 800 Category: Non-fiction Prompt: Romo/loveless, Future Language: English CW: None

Freedom and Music by @nzcienif

Post, direct link Word Count: 488 Prompt: Freedom, Music Theme: Defying Expectations Language: English Genre: Non Fiction CW: None Link: https://nzcienif.tumblr.com/post/642572547990421504/arowrimo-week-2-freedom-and-music Promo: https://nzcienif.tumblr.com/

The Demand for Freedom to Be Oneself by @graces-of-luck

Post, direct link Word Count: 363 Prompt: Freedom Theme: Defying Expectations Language: English Genre: Narrative CW: None

Thursday Thoughts: AroWriMo Week 2: Freedom & Music by @sophieakatz

Post, direct link Word Count: 647 Prompt: Freedom, Music Language: English Genre: Non Fiction CW: None

Defying expectations by @aallotarenunelma

Post, direct link Word Count: 986 Prompt: Hope, Mirror Theme: Defying Expectations Language: English Genre: Essay CW: Romance, Amatonormativity

Aro Visions and Hopes by @penandquillcafe ( @aroacechillzone )

Post, Direct link Word Count: 729 Prompt: Hope, Mirror Language: English Genre: Nonfiction CW: amatonormativity, arophobia, loneliness (metaphor)

Thursday Thoughts: AroWriMo Week 3: Hope & Mirror by @sophieakatz

Post, Direct link Word count: 201 Prompt: Hope, Mirror Language: English Genre: Non-fiction CW: Romance mention, Sex mention

Relationship Anarchy and Hugs by charcharcharace (blogspot)

Post, Direct link (blogspot) Summary: Applying relationship anarchy to family relationships and hugs. Word Count: 522 Prompt: Non-romantic Relationships Theme: Defying Expectations Language: English Genre: Non-Fiction CW: consent issues, boundary breaking

Thursday Thoughts: AroWriMo Week 4: Non-Romantic Relationships & Self-Reliance by @sophieakatz

Post, Direct link (tumblr) Word Count: Prompt: Non-romantic Relationships, Self-reliance Language: English Genre: Non-fiction CW: Romance mention

Poetry

Untitled by @brilliantsnafu

Post, Direct link Word Count: 38 Prompt: Romo/loveless, Future Language: English Genre: Nonfiction CW: Bigotry, arophobia; amatonormativity

Little Boxes by anon

Post, Direct link (Google docs) Word Count: 456 Prompt: Freedom Theme: Choosing to be Yourself Language: English Genre: Poem/non-fiction

To My Dear and Loving... by @writingthingsilike

Post, Direct link (tumblr) Summary: A poem about being aromantic but still wanting a life partner Word Count: 165 Prompt: Non-romantic Relationships Theme: Choosing to be Yourself Language: English Genre: Non-fiction CW: None

AroAce by Catolica (Ao3)

Post, Direct link (Ao3) Word Count: 254 Language: English CW: Choose not to use warnings

icarus' stone by @franzimaya (@witchreyna on Twitter)

Post, direct link Word Count: 199 Prompt: Freedom Theme: Choosing to be Yourself Language: English Genre: Poetry CW: Grief

The End of the Rouse Family Tree by @turnovers-and-coke (@arbys-chocolate-turnover, Wattpad)

Post, Direct link Word Count: 144 Prompt: Mirror Theme: Choosing to be Yourself Language: English Genre: poetry CW: None

Care, uncoupled by @graces-of-luck

Post, Direct link (tumblr) Word Count: 149 Prompt: Non-romantic Relationships Theme: Humanity Language: English Genre: Free Verse CW: Romance

Human = ( X - Y ) / Z by charcharcharace (blogspot)

Post, Direct link (blogspot) Summary: A poem about human essentialism Word Count: 129 Theme: Humanity Language: English Genre: Poetry CW: Mentions of essentialism and touches on dehumanizing ideas

Short Stories

Chasing Shadows by @secret-arrow-man

Post, Direct link Summary: A questioning aro discusses relationship problems with an old friend. Word Count: 660 Theme: Choosing to be Yourself Language: English Genre: Fiction CW: Romance, Alcohol mention

My Valentine by @bimboztown on twitter

Post, Direct link (Google docs) Word Count: 305 Category: Short Stories Theme: Choosing to be Yourself Language: English Genre: Coming of Age CW: Suicide attempt mention

Made on the Shore by @clad-in-sunshine

Post, Direct link Summary: Cora had never had much interest in people, and had chosen to live alone on the shore for years by this point. When a ship sails close, she has to deal with both her interest in it and the Captain’s interest in her. Based on the song ‘Fair Maid on The Shore’. Word Count: 2129 Prompt: Romo/loveless, Future Theme: Choosing to be Yourself Language: English Genre: Fiction, Ambiguous historical fiction CW: Romance, Guns, Alcohol

What is given by @amanita-cynth (Ao3)

Post, direct link Summary: A short exploration of a woman helping a traumatised, adopted girl come to terms with her newfound freedom. Word Count: 5645 Category: Short Stories Prompt: Freedom, Music Theme: Choosing to be Yourself Language: English Genre: Mildly Science Fiction CW: mentions of human experimentation

Lady in the Mirror by @amanita-cynth (Ao3)

Post, direct link (Ao3) Summary: Everyone knows the story of the lady in the mirror. How she picks those she appears to is unknown. What she offers and why it is offered is similarly a mystery; those few that have interacted with her and speak of it are reluctant to share details. Maybe that is why the stories are so well-known, so far-travelled. The mystery calls to people and they want to believe they can solve it. Word Count: 1799 Prompt: Hope, Mirror Theme: Choosing to be Yourself Language: English Genre: Fantasy CW: None

Lights, Camera, Aro! by charcharcharace (blogspot)

Post, Direct link (blogspot) Summary: An aromantic actress is conflicted over how to engage with a romantically coded improv challenge. Word Count: 1885 Theme: Choosing to be Yourself Language: English Genre: Literary CW: a ghost, pressure.

Dark secret love by @aallotarenunelma

Post, Direct link (part a), Direct link (part b) Summary: What if an aspec Wicked Lawless Love MC was paired with the incubus Sascha? Word Count: 6941 Language: English Fandom: Wicked Lawless Love (Lovestruck app), Sascha Orosco x MC (Suna) Genre: Fantasy CW: Death, Romance, Sexual content

Thought That Cupid Shot Me With Love But It Was Only An Aro by @entity9silvergen (Ao3, FF.net)

Post, Direct link (Tumblr), Direct link (Ao3) Summary: Soulmates were supposed to be the other half of your soul. Your one true love. Ino always dreamed of finding her soulmate. Sai never wanted one. Still, they cared for each other so they were going to make it work. Somehow.

Word Count: 10000 Prompt: Romo/loveless, Future Language: English Fandom: Naruto. Characters: Sai, Ino, Shikamaru, Choji, Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, Kakashi Genre: Friendship/ Relationships CW: Mentioned Canon Death, Minor Aphobia

Mosaic by @entity9silvergen (Ao3, FF.net)

Post, Direct link (tumblr), Direct link (Ao3) Summary: We are just mosaics of everyone we love and that mosaic shows everyone we love how beautiful they are. Bean doesn’t think she can love like everyone else but maybe that’s okay. Word Count: 2000 Language: English Fandom: Disenchantment. Characters: Bean Genre: Friendship, Self-Reflection CW: Internalized arophobia, some self-deprecation, sex mention, drug mention, mention of canon interspecies relationships in fantasy setting Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29230041 Promo: entity9silvergen on Ao3, FFN, and tumblr

We Dance To Fast Music by @entity9silvergen (Ao3, FF.net)

Post, direct link (tumblr), direct link (Ao3) Summary: Zuko didn’t like to dance. Neither did Mai. But Ty Lee did and they’d do it for her. Fortunately for them, Ty Lee cared about how they felt and wanted to show them just how wonderful music could be. All Zuko and Mai knew were slow dances, the things of ballrooms and romance. Ty Lee only knew the dances of friendship, freedom, and fun. Word Count: 8000 Prompt: Freedom, Music Language: English Fandom: Avatar The Last Airbender. Characters: Zuko, Mai, Ty Lee, Sokka, Suki, Aang, Katara, Toph Genre: Friendship CW: None

Oblique by @entity9silvergen (Ao3, FF.net)

Post, Direct link (Ao3) Summary: Unable to experience romantic attraction, Remus feels incomplete. Unable to feel sexual attraction, Roman feels less than. Maybe as the King, they decide, they will feel whole again. Their partners and friends, however, know this isn’t the solution and seek to help them realize there’s nothing broken about them before it’s too late. Word Count: 12000 Prompt: Mirror Theme: None Language: English Fandom: Sanders Sides. Characters: Logan, Patton, Roman, Virgil, Nate, Remy, Emile, Seth, Toby, Janus, Remus, Unnamed Orange Side, Romulus, Dragon Witch Genre: Friendship, Hurt/ Comfort CW: Romance, Sexual content, Violence

He Is Mild And He Is Meek by @entity9silvergen (Ao3, FFN)

Post, Direct link (Ao3) Summary: He is mild and he is meek, he is Momo and he is what I seek. Suki always wanted three things in life. One was to become a professional soccer player. The second was to live in a cute apartment filled with succulents. The third was to get a cat. Momo probably wasn’t anyone’s first pick as a pet but Suki was determined to get this cat to love her as much as she loved him. If only he’d accept he had a home now. Word Count: 6500 Prompt: Non-romantic Relationships Language: English Fandom: Avatar the Last Airbender. Characters: Suki, Momo, Sokka, Aang Genre: Friendship, Hurt/ Comfort CW: Mention of sex, non-excessive swearing

sick of all those love songs (sing to me about my friend on the moon). by nwhrs

Post, Direct link (Ao3) Summary: Johnny has always tried to follow the game, Ten has always stood out like a sore thumb, Chenle has always been quite vocal about himself, and Jisung really has absolutely no idea just what is going on (or does he?). And this is just a little part of their story. Word Count: 16413 Prompt: Non-romantic Relationships Theme: Choosing to be Yourself Language: English Fandom: NCT // Park Jisung, Zhong Chen Le, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Suh Youngho | Johnny Genre: Slice of Life CW: Romance, Discussions of romance & amatonormativity

he loves you (he loves you not) by @ternaryflower53

Summary: "Who's your companion?" the man asks. "This is Jango," he says, not adding his last name. They have a false one, a name Jango sometimes uses in undercover missions when he doesn’t want to risk being recognized as the Mand’alor’s son, but better if they can avoid using it. "He's my husband." The man frowns down at his datapad, then looks up to study Jango. "I wasn't expecting you to come with a partner, Master Jedi." or, jangobi fake dating au, but make it aromantic. Word Count: 6270 Prompt: Non-romantic Relationships Language: English Fandom: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy (Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jango Fett) Genre: Fanfic CW: Romance, fake/pretend relationship, request to be in a romantic relationship that gets shut down

#AroWriMo 2021 Works #Roundup #Aro #Aromantic #Arospec #Writing #Writblr

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aspecpplarebeautiful · 3 years

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I can’t really tell if I’m aro? I thought that I have crushes, but they could be squishes or something, idk. I feel the whole light and airy and bloomy feeling, daydreaming about being their friend. I feel all that flowery feeling and can’t help but to think, this can’t be platonic, because up till now every feeling like that I’ve seen portrayed is romantic. I think I have a “crush” on someone rn, and I think who it is might change things, because they’re a youtuber. (I know I know, feel free to bully me lmao) So I know that there is slim to none chance of even ever meeting them, let alone being friends or dating. So it’s SafeTM. I don’t really think I want dating. It sounds cute in theory, but in action not so much. But I feel like I can’t say that confidently because of my rather small expierence pool. Every relationship I’ve been it, I didn’t like, really like them. It just kinda. Happened. I kept thinking maybe one would work when I found someone I actually liked, or that after a while I would begin to like them back. I’m in a relationship rn, but a bit after the one month mark, I called off the romantic part, because I was just getting more and more uncomfortable with it. I only felt really strong platonic or queerplatonic emotion for the guy I’m with, I think. At first I was fine and happy just to be recognized as important to him, and kept up the happiness with that while ignoring the terror of romance, but after the hype dies down a little more, and the repulsion to romance doesn’t, it gets a bit harder to ignore. We’ve switched to platonic, which I’m much more happy with. I feel a bit sad I can’t give him the romantic feelings he wants, though. I quickly got off topic. Just. Idk how to accept that platonic/queerplatonic feelings can be just as strong as romantic ones. I know it in theory, but far from practice. My brain keeps telling me that someone can’t make me feel all butterfly-y without it being romantic, so I’ve always assumed I got crushes really easily. And another thing too is that I love reading about romance in fanfic, but now that I’ve started questioning, sometimes I just think that “hey, you’ll never feel this” while reading and get sad, because it sounds nice. Idk I just. Help :(

So it sounds like you’ve kind of got it figured out already these crushes probably aren’t romantic. And honestly my guess would be that it’s a squish, which can have a lot of the same symptoms as romantic attraction, except the one big difference that it’s completely platonic.

Honestly it’s hard, we grow up in this culture that tells us every single attraction feeling is romantic and when you don’t experience romantic attraction it’s so easy to mistake other types of attraction as romantic attraction. And add on to that the pressure for romance and romantic partners to be the most important thing and it can mess with our heads.

For dealing with these feelings, definitely read up on amatonormativity, and especially on it from the perspective of aro people. And a lot of aro bloggers talk about this, and you can search through tumblr or goog amatonormativity aromantic and you’ll get a lot of results. But you can also follow blogs that talk about this sometimes too. But learning the theory behind it can help with unlearning.

Another thing that can help a lot is look at what messages you’re getting from the people around you/media you consume. So if there’s people in your life who are just really romance/partner obsessed, and really buy in to things like ‘the one’ and ‘soulmates’ either figuring out other things to talk about or spending less time around them can help. Romance in shows/movies also tends to be really amatormative too, and just lean heavily on that ‘this is the only way to be happy/everyone has a one’ kind of stuff, and for now I’d recommend avoiding it completely, including fanfiction.

This isn’t forever, just until you’re in a better place emotionally and you can handle it better. But taking a break when it’s physically hurting is a really good idea.

And then to replace it, focus on other interests. Most people are really interested in something that has nothing to do with romance, and you can usually steer conversations to that. Or even other things going on in their life or yours. For media found family stuff is great, anything that involves people slowly becoming close and becoming their main family unit. So like something like Star Trek, but honestly there’s a lot of good stuff. Family focused stuff can be good too if you like that, and there’s some good shows/movies centered around family.

But basically you’re training your brain to recognize the importance of platonic relationships and seeing how meaningful those can be too. And the more you do the more you’ll believe it emotionally, and the less not having a romantic relationship will hurt.

Personally I tend to look at romance a bit like chocolate, and people go on about how amazing chocolate is, and there are some people who just don’t like, and will never like it. And even if they force themselves to tolerate it, they still won’t get the same meaningful experience out of eating it that someone who really loves it will. And that’s also OK because there’s a lot of other food, and there’s a lot of other things to enjoy that have nothing to do with food at all. And frankly not liking or even not eating chocolate really isn’t that big a deal. And neither is not really getting anything out of having romantic relationships, because there’s a lot of other ways to find happiness, and a lot of other things that can be really fulfilling. Romance is great for some people, but it’s not the big most important thing in the world it’s made out to be.

Other things you can do could be hanging out in aro spaces/meeting other aros, reading aro media, etc. And that can help too with realising that a lot of people are aro and happy, and are comfortable being aro. And just in general can give you people you can relate to who are similar to you.

But yeah hopefully that’s helpful, and gives you a direction to go in. (Also there is nothing wrong with being attracted to youtubers! Don’t worry.)

All the best, and good luck!

#Anonymous

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kyanitedragon · 4 years

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Hey can you say some songs you relate to as an aromantic person?

(If you’re looking for relatable aromantic music, I definitely reccomend checking out @/aggressivelyarospec’s Aro Tunes Thursday! It’s where I found the majority of these songs, plus tons more than I enjoy even if I don’t personally relate to the stories.)

Music has become a real comfort for my identity, so this ended up being really long and personal.

#1 Never Been In Love - Will Jay

Every single line in this song is my aroace experience. But some highlights are:

“I’m not missing someone that I’ve never met / Maybe a little scared / still, I don’t care.”

It can be daunting and scary to not fall in love in this amatonormative world, but my fear comes from not conforming to society and isn’t about being lonely or single.

“You can have your romance / go on the perfect date / but for me, there just ain’t enough hours in the day.”

All my allo friends and family members like romance, and that’s fine - it’s just not for me. I don’t understand romance nor romantic attraction, and I would much rather spend my days doing my own things I enjoy instead of spending time dating just for the sake of doing what society says you should do.

#2 Supercuts - Jeremy Zucker

As a young unknowing aro, I never understood what the point of being in a relationship was. Dating in middle school and even high school, the chances were so low that you would still be dating as adults. Plus, everyone always talked about bad breakups and hating their exes. I didn’t understand why you would risk a friendship to be in a romantic relationship since chances were, it would end badly. I still don’t understand it now, to be honest.

And this song, basically covers all of my thoughts about it:

“Cause I don't wanna be someone who makes you happy / Then lets you down, we'll both feel crappy / I'll hate your friends when this shit ends / Well, alright. / And I don't wanna make your mama cry at dinner / And see her at the mall next winter / At Supercuts, she hates my guts / Well, alright.”

#3 Not The Villain - S.J. Tucker

I’m a big fantasy geek so I like that whole vibe of this song and all the fantasy illusions.

“No, I am not the villain in this tale!”

Like a lot of aros, I often feel villainized and guilty for being unable to reciprocate romantic feelings. And declaring yourself as not being the villain is the the focus of this song.

“Let’s be done with fairytales and how they’re meant to end / the truth is that I lost my way and found it here again.”

I grew up assuming that I would end up hetero and get married and have kids, despite not being straight or cis in the slightest. And once it all finally dawned on me, I found community in the aro, nonbinary, and ace communities.

“I never meant to hide behind a clock no longer chiming.”

It took a long time for me to realize I was aromantic, when there were so many obvious hints. It was such a relief when I finally realized it, and made so much sense, and I felt so authentically myself. I wished I had known so much sooner.

#4 Turning Out - AJR

This song hits a lot of my sore spots about my aromanticism.

“Am I ready for love? / Or maybe just a best friend? / Should there be a difference? / Do you have instructions?”

I grew up not knowing I was aromantic and being so confused about romance, yet expecting that one day I would start to feel attraction and then everything would make sense.

“You say I turned out fine / I think I'm still turning out / I hope you stick around / We're gonna figure it out / Who can I turn to now? / When I'm still turning out.”

Questioning was something I wasn’t open about, and it took me a long time to come out to my loved ones. But this line still hits me hard. There’s so many uncertainties in being aromantic: fearing that your friends will leave you behind, that you’ll disappoint your parents, and you just hope that they will accept you and support you and still stick around.

“I'm a little kid, and so are you / Don't you go and grow up before I do.”

In society, romantic attraction is framed as something mature that everyone experiences. So when you don’t experience it, sometimes it feels like you’re stuck as a kid and always thought of as childish. You see all your allo friends and family members date and get married and have kids - all milestones of growing up - and you not achieving any of them. It hurts even more when you see your younger family members hit those milestones.

#5 Sorry - Halsey

This is a pretty negative one, sorry. I have never dated anyone, but if I had, I know that this song is how it would have gone.

If I had dated someone, I know I only would have dated them to appease their romantic feelings and to platonically hang out with them more often.

“Cause I can change my mind each day / I didn't mean to try you on / But I still know your birthday / And your mother's favorite song”

I wouldn’t prioritize them as much as they would likely expect from a romantic partner, and I know I would feel overwhelmed and burdened by it. Would my non-romantic care and love for them be enough?

“I run away when things are good / And never really understood / The way you laid your eyes on me / In ways that no one ever could / And so it seems I broke your heart / My ignorance has struck again.”

And with how oblivious I am to romance and romantic feelings, I’m sure I would have hurt them many times out of my ignorance and disconnect.

“Sorry to my unknown lover.”

Even to my hypothetical “unknown lover”, I say sorry, that I’m not capable of romantic love and that I would only hurt them despite not meaning to.

“Someone will love you / But someone isn't me.”

#6 Love Stuck - Mother Mother

I’m endcase aromantic, on the aplatonic spectrum, and fluctuate often between romance-favorable and romance-repulsed, so at times it feels like my potenial for “love” is stuck somewhere.

“Cause I've got my love stuck in my head / I've got my love stuck in my thoughts / I've got to keep my love / in my heart”

#7 Version of Love - Will Jay

I relate to this song a lot as an aego-romantic — an aromantic person who enjoys romance but doesn’t wish to be a participant in it. I like romance in theory and shipping and well-written romances, but when it comes to myself being involved then I’m quite romance-repulsed.

“Yet I'm in love with how in love they sound / when all they are is acting”

#8 Kalmia Kid - Chloe Moriondo

This song has a very cottagecore and non-human vibe to it which I enjoy, and I too love bugs much more than I do human beings.

“So if the only love I'll feel is for bumblebees / That's fine with me”

#9 We Don’t Have To Dance - Andy Black

This song is about anxiety, and as an aromantic who probably has an anxiety disorder, I relate to it a lot. Sometimes its just nice to have it all put into words. Socializing is stressful, especially when there’s so many expectations on it.

“We don't have to talk / We don't have to dance / We don't have to smile / We don't have to make friends / It's so nice to meet you / Let's never meet again”

#10 Machine - Mister Wives

It’s a song about knowing yourself best, sticking up for yourself, and refusing to conform to society. Allowing myself to not only freely be aromantic, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming, but also let go of the guilt I had over all of those, is something I’m so proud of myself for, and I’m so much happier because of it.

“Oh I am tired of abiding by your rules / Causing me to second guess my every single move / You don't know who I am / Or what I have been through, no / So don't dare tell me what I should and shouldn't do”

#asks #aromantic #aro music #long post #fave asks

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love-takes-work · 4 years

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Poisonous “love interest” narratives

Oh my god I got in a slap fight with someone on Reddit because they kept saying they thought the show should give Amethyst a love interest

They further explained that the love interest would involve someone "loving her despite her appearance" (you know, like she's not spectacular already) and teach her to stop being such a tomboy and help her embrace more girly things. (I'm not kidding.) The person opined that Amethyst has embraced boyish things in the past (you know, gendering her traits for no reason instead of realizing that traits don't have a gender) but if Amethyst met someone to be her true soulmate and the yin to her yang, she could really finally mature and stop being so lazy and rigid.

(lol at the idea of Amethyst as "rigid." She's literally the opposite on every level. but this person doesn't accept the massive difficult changes she's made in her life because the supposed tomboyishness is clearly a cover for the mature feminine feelings she needs to embrace, and they'd really like to see her go out on a date and wear a dress and learn that she can be pretty--again, "despite" her looks. wtf)

It didn't matter how many different ways I explained why amatonormativity has hurt people like me and why the non-romantic types of love that helped Amethyst grow were so refreshing in a world where media always has "she" characters fully learning who they are by molding themselves to someone else's will and calming the fuck down, and giving up all their inconvenient opinions and desires to be fulfilled in the only way these ass clowns accept as valid. It just didn't matter, because Amethyst's fulfillment not coming from a romantic relationship still represented emotional stuntedness and resistance to character growth in this person's opinion.

(Also, explaining in detail why these terrible tropes are both in no short supply and damaging to society--particularly women and femmeish people--turned into "you're attacking me and calling me a horrible person," of course. I've been personally damaged by these narratives but what do I know? I'm just another fan relieved to have ONE major adult cartoon character who is both single and not constantly angsting about it rendering her lesser and not worthy.)

I'm just so tired of "complete me!" narratives and messages that tell women and ladyish beings and nonbinary people who can be read as women that their job is to find validation in a mate, become more traditionally feminine as a sign of character growth and REAL maturity that can't be accessed any other way, and utterly sacrifice their agency.

As an asexual, aromantic woman, my GOD have I been plagued by this expectation in real life, and how HORRIBLE it's been to be constantly told that my very fulfilling life is the definition of failure. How revolting it's been to be pitied for something I'm not sorry about. How disgusting it's been to have strangers (typically men) ~explain~ to me that I'm incomplete whether I know it or not, and how sickening it's been to be taunted with promises that one day I will be OLD and I will be SORRY and I will cry on all my cats. (Last time I checked, getting married is in no way a guarantee that you'll always have your spouse or that you'll never be lonely, and also, I'm allergic to cats.)

I'm just so tired of people barging into my favorite story on television and grabbing the characters and saying they would be better people or their stories more satisfying if they'd just play into the traditional narratives like good girls and stop being such SJW propaganda. I'm just tired in general. Sick and tired.

#steven universe #amethyst #long post #aromantic #amatonormativity #myblog

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potatopossums · 3 years

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Idk man, sometimes I like the aromantic fb groups I follow, and other times I kind of hate the comments.

Uh yeah it's a long one. Affectionate aro-spec rant inbound.

Today, I was reading a thread about "allos developing feelings after sex" and how that was "such an alloromantic experience."

It felt fucking alienating.

Maybe I read "feelings" to mean something different than "instantly wants to marry/date this person." That is not my definition of "developing feelings." But the wording is so vague, and I don't have much of a vocabulary outside of these experiences. I mean, I still use decidedly alloromantic terminology sometimes, because I grew up with it for so long, and I find it difficult to use other terms, even if they're technically the correct definition for what I'm experiencing.

But my main gripe was really with this demonization of "feelings." Feelings of intimacy? Feelings of tenderness? Wanting to continue? Sure, it depends on the people involved; each relationship has its own rules and boundaries and goals. Aromantic people can easily do romantic-coded things and enjoy them. They can also just as easily avoid those things. That's up to personal choice, and I'm not knocking that.

But it bothered me how unanimous it was in that comments section that a casual sex partner expressing a desire to "do more than sex only" might be off-putting. Sure, I think the intention was that a sex partner suddenly wants to date you, and yeah, I would say no to that advance, too, were I in a similar position. But if a friendship/FWB/QPR formed organically from a casual sex situation? Sure.

And on the flipside, it also bothers me that sex can't possibly be seen as an emotionally bonding experience. Again, romance entirely aside, I would consider, especially as a largely demisexual person, that sex with someone I was actually physically attracted to would also involve emotions. It would enrich my relationship with that person. That doesn't make it romantic for me. My tendencies are just very close knit. I enjoy deep relationships and tend to despise surface level ones. This has more to do with my learned history of passivity, and less to do with romantic feelings. I don't feel romantic. I feel close. I desire closeness. That closeness can manifest in a lot of different ways. Romance, in my experience, likes to wear the costume of intimacy and parrot the lines, but it doesn't signify intimacy. Closeness comes from self and mutual honesty. And from some shit just lining up well.

Feelings (as in emotions) are part of the human experience. They're temporary, and that's the important bit (and that was the only bit on that thread that I actually agreed with; alloromantic people do tend to view feeling as fact in a romantic sense, but everyone is prone to misreading general feelings as fact—for example, a common trap is "I'm afraid, therefore I must be in danger." Feelings, thus, are not necessarily factual.) But emotions are also reactions to something. Experiencing emotions is a normal thing. Having sex with someone casually for an extended period of time will likely let you get to know that person a bit. Amatonormative conditioning can easily kick in, regardless of orientation. And amatonormativity promises something—something substantial.

Happiness.

Clearly, this promise doesn't hold up. Romance is bullshit, unhealthy, an obsession with being unrequited, and an overinflated lens of glorifying pain for the purpose of promised reward (which never comes). We all know that.

And yet, it still reels some of us in. Conditioning at its finest, eh? Remind me to stop watching movies with any shred of romance in them.

But here's the thing. I'm aro-spec and I have fucking ADHD. Those two experiences, for me, have been the absolute worst combination.

I'm only beginning to come to grips with my ADHD and how it affects my perception of the world and my orientation(s) within it. One of the things I've noticed about myself is that I chase highs. Those highs simulate the deficiency in dopamine and reward signals inside my brain. I kind of don't function normally when I don't have those reward chemicals. I don't feel senses of accomplishment often, even when I've done lots of things. This is a really common experience with ADHD, hence why depression and anxiety can sometimes be considered side-effects of ADHD. Of course feeling like you've done nothing would make you anxious and depressed.

But especially in terms of social relationships, these sorts of reward chemicals can factor in to great amounts. I mean, I'd like to say that romance writing & fantasizing has been one of my most persistent hyperfixations in life. It's a concept teeming with overwhelming emotions, which tend to set off chemical responses in the brain that can induce dopamine, or dopamine-like effects. Thus, drama feels good. And for someone who never feels good... well, drama can become a drug. It can become seemingly the only thing that helps one feel good—about themselves, about their life, their accomplishments, their abilities—especially for undiagnosed adults.

It's a really tumultuous reality. And the back and forth is absolutely chaotic. Hyperfixations don't go on constantly. But they can start at any time. They can be triggered so easily. And amatonormative and positive conditioning doesn't help. Again, it's a happy drug for your brain. Evolution probably intended that. And now it's gone very awry in me.

Here's my thing though: me wanting intimacy, me wanting closeness—that does not equate to romance. Me experiencing feelings and desiring those feelings also doesn't equate to romance. My brain has a chemistry issue. It likes these chemicals, like, way too much as it is. Amatonormativity already conditioned me to chase these highs, and those highs have an even stronger and more dangerous effect on me and my perception of reality, especially as someone who is statistically more predisposed addictive behaviors.

So imagine trying to sus out that you're actually aromantic underneath all that. But you also are really touch starved. Oh, and you're a lesbian. Not even a little bit bisexual. Totally very gay. And you have sensory issues. And you have those handy-dandy side effects of anxiety and depression hanging around.

There's a lot to parse through every time I have an emotion at all.

So genuinely: yes. I agree that it sucks when someone you only wanna have casual sex with suddenly wants to have a romantic relationship with you.

But also: I'm aro, and I'm also not over here having sex with random strangers. I'm over here having sex with good friends. I'm over here being polyaffectionate. I'm over here chasing the highs of pretty people, sensual intimacy, and awesome orgasms.

And none of that shit rings alloromantic to me.

#aromantic #enby lesbian #lesbian #gay #lgbtq #queer #agender #gynephile #non binary #rant #alterous attraction #idk yall #queer continually feels like the best catch all

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marinsawakening · 5 years

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About arospec headcannon thing anyone from FMA of your choice and a character from a series/book that you have enjoying latelly!

“character from a series/book that you have enjoying latelly” bold of you to assume I’ve had the attention span to be reading anything anon. the only thing I’ve been reading lately is ‘The Bacchae and Other Works’, demonstrating that I can, in fact, be a smart literary reader every once in a while, but the only play I’ve finished is Ion, and like… sure Athena is aro, but I also feel like headcanoning a greek god as aro is kinda cheating, but in the spirit of ancient greek myths, I’ll be doing my fave aro headcanon, Percy Jackson. He’s going under the cut though, because Ed’s turned out… long. Sorry about that.

Anyway, from FMA, I’m (predicatably) picking Edward Elric, because I can’t and won’t stop:

What arospec identities do they have? (Can be as specific or vague as desired)

I generally headcanon Ed as nebularomantic, though I also really really like the headcanon of him having my exact aro experience because honestly, I like projecting onto him. But I usually go with nebularomantic because I feel like the headcanon possibilities for that are more interesting, so I’ll go with that in this post.

(Or arovague, a little more, maybe? He’s nebularomantic in the sense that a) alexithymia makes figuring out whether he’s feeling platonic or romantic attraction pretty much impossible, and b) he feels like he doesn’t really fit into society’s ideas of romance due to it heavily being tied up into neurotypical standards, and finds the concept of romantic relationships/romantic attraction somewhat inaccessible to him as a result. So he’s kind of a mix between nebularomantic, quoiromantic with the ‘disidentifies with the concept of romantic attraction’ definition, and arovague, I guess, but I think he’d just use nebularomantic because it’s easier and it still encompasses his experiences very well.)

How proud of being arospec are they?

Pretty proud, if only because he knows it pisses people off and he loves doing that. He’s not dropping it into every conversation ever, but he definitely has a couple pins and shows up at pride with the flag painted on his cheeks.

Do they prioritize their arospec identity over any others?

I’d say that on the Minority Identity tier, it’s probably his least important identity to him, definitely after autistic/ADHD (kind of the same thing to him) and nonbinary. It’s still pretty important to him, though. Maybe the only thing he prioritizes it over might be his amputee status, mostly because, since he grew up with a bunch of automail engineers and later living in Rush Valley with Paninya and Winry for a long while, amputees have kinda become the norm for him. However, I can also see that, due to the Circumstances surrounding the loss of his limbs, he might prioritize his physical disability anyway, because he’s had to learn to take pride in it, whereas for the nebularomanticism, that came pretty naturally.

Are they out? If so, how did they come out, and to whom?

He’s out to pretty much everyone, although the only people he actually sat down and had a conversation with were Winry, Paninya, and Al. Winry because she helped him figure out he wasn’t allo (even if he couldn’t pin down his specific aro identity), and Paninya because he brought it up when he proposed starting a qpr to sort of close a sort of ‘qpr’ triad between him, Winry, and Paninya. Al also knows because Ed talked his feelings over with him when he was still questioning, and then Mei found the identity ‘nebularomantic’ and told Al, who told Ed, and that’s how Ed figured out his identity.

How do they feel about romance? Romance-favorable? Romance-neutral? Romance-repulsed? Or does it fluctuate?

Romance-neutral, largely. I mean, he’s married, so that counts as romance-favourable probably, but honestly? He’s mostly neutral to the concept of romance because he doesn’t understand why it exists. It’s pretty much impossible for him to separate neurotypical expectations of romance and love from the concept of romantic relationships/romantic attraction in general, and this was one of the main reasons he and Winry decided to change their relationship from ‘romantic’ to ‘idk what but we’re definitely important to another/queerplatonic-ish’; he constantly felt like he was failing in romance, and Winry had a bit of trouble adjusting her expectations from a generic romantic relationship to one with Ed once they moved from a long distance relationship to a short distance one, so they felt like it was best to change the label. But that said, he’s not repulsed, and he’s not necessarily opposed to the concept of a romantic relationship, he just doesn’t really understand why that exists and has trouble living up to the neurotypical standards it generally entails.

Have they ever experienced arophobia? If so, how?

Some mild stuff, but nothing extreme. He married Winry fairly young, so that warred off all the ‘I can fix you/you need to be fixed’ and ‘you’re horrible and are going to die alone!’ flavours of arophobia, but at the same time, the fact that he married her means that a lot of people deny, ignore, and/or erase his arospec identity. Even showing up in public with an aro/nebularomantic pride flag doesn’t stop people from ignoring it. Since he’s a pretty high-profile figure, this means that it’s especially noticeable.

In addition, he’s also faced some ableist-specific arophobia in people saying that he just doesn’t understand romantic attraction because he’s autistic/ADHD, which, yeah, duh, that’s why he identifies as nebula? But people use that to deny his identity, saying that his aro identity isn’t real because it’s caused/affected by his neurodivergency, or that it must be fixed with therapy. He generally punches those people in the face and they shut up really quickly.

How do they show their arospec pride?

Like I said, he goes to pride and paints his cheeks in the nebularomantic/aromantic pride colours (one on each cheek), and he doesn’t shy away from talking about it in day-to-day life. On the rare occasion that he makes a public appearance such as an interview or as a gala attendee (mostly when he’s lost a bet to Mustang or Ling), he usually takes either a small or big flag with him (depending on the mood he’s in), just to smirk when people get awkward or try to ignore it.

Do they actively try to combat amatonormativity in their daily lives or elsewhere? If so, how?

He constantly corrects people if they call Winry his wife (yes, they’re partners, and yes, they’re married, but ‘wife’ specifically has connotations to him that he doesn’t like), constantly corrects them if they assume he’s alloro, and just generally is an obnoxious arospec fuck who’s not going to let any part of his arospec identity get erased.

Was it easy for them to label themselves arospec, or was there a long period of questioning? How many labels did they have to try before landing on the one they use now?

The questioning process took pretty long, both due to the complicated nature of his identity and alexithymia hindering the process. As I already said, it’s pretty much impossible for him to distinguish neurotypical expectations of romance from romantic attraction/relationships, but he was also aware that societal expectations =/= romantic attraction at its core, so he didn’t know if his confusion surrounding the matter was enough to make him anything but allo. Furthermore, there was the fact that alexithymia made trying to figure out whether what he was feeling was platonic or romantic pretty much impossible: he could barely figure out if he was feeling hungry, fuck if he knew he was having a squish or a crush. There was also the obvious fact that yup, he sure married Winry, and he didn’t want to divorce her because he did want to be in some kind of relationship, but he didn’t know if that was because he was feeling any kind of romantic (or platonic, for that matter) attraction, or because he simply felt at home with her, and yes he did consider that the ‘at home’ feeling might’ve been romantic, but probably not, since he also feels it with Al, but then again it was still very much different with Al, so maybe…?

Anyway, you get the point. Questioning was long and messy, and eventually came to a head when Winry basically said ‘look listen I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you promised not to keep me in the dark anymore, so spit it out’ so he did and she basically said ‘well in my expert alloromantic opinion that’s not very allo’ and he went ‘oh. shit. why didn’t I ask you earlier’ (it was because he’s the world’s smartest idiot). So they sat down and figured things out, and eventually agreed that it would be best if they ‘cancelled’ the romance aspect of their relationship for now, just to figure out what would work for them.

Also Mei was actually the one who found the term ‘nebularomantic’ way later, when she was researching arospec identities after her and Al’s relationship crashed and burned horribly (she definitely has access to a huge library of queer identities in Ling’s palace shut up), and Al heard her say the definition and he went ‘oh shit that’s my brother’, so then he called Ed and that’s how Ed came to identify as nebularomantic.

Would they be interested in a QPR? Why or why not?

He’s in a queerplatonic triad with Winry and Paninya! The relationship is actually kind of complicated, with Winry and Paninya being in a romantic relationship, Ed and Winry being in a committed relationship they’re chosing not to label at the moment, and Paninya and Ed being in the world’s most casual qpr, but the three of them call their triad ‘queerplatonic’ to simplify stuff. He probably wouldn’t necessarily search out a qpr, I think, but he very much loves people (regardless of whether or not it’s platonic or romantic or something else entirely), and he does like living with other people, so he’d probably have fallen into one naturally anyway, even if canon hadn’t played out the way it did.

Final thoughts?

If you think that I won’t headcanon someone as arospec just because they married and had kids at the end of the series then you’re so fucking mistaken.

What arospec identities do they have? (Can be as specific or vague as desired)

Percy’s demiromantic!

How proud of being arospec are they?

Very proud! If you think he ever stops making demi jokes, you are very very wrong. He goes to pride, has pins, has a flag up in his room, and generally won’t shut up about it.

Do they prioritize their arospec identity over any others?

Somewhat! He’s both demisexual and demiromantic, and he doesn’t necessarily separate those two out, but he does prioritize both of those over his demiboy identity, though that’s definitely important to him too and he’s proud of that as well (plus, he appreciates the pun material).

Are they out? If so, how did they come out, and to whom?

He’s out! After he figured it out the first thing he did was kick Annabeth’s door open and go ‘Annabeth Holy Fuck!’, so she knows. His mom and Paul know, because he actually had a Serious Coming Out conversation with them (he knew they’d take it well, but still). Everyone else at camp also knows, because he won’t shut up about it, and also like everyone at Camp Halfblood is queer as fuck, so they just kind of expected something like this sooner or later. The puns are an unwelcome surprise, though.

How do they feel about romance? Romance-favorable? Romance-neutral? Romance-repulsed? Or does it fluctuate?

None of the above, he’s very firmly romance oblivious. He’s not going to catch you flirting with him, he WILL read over romance subplots without picking up on them, he is always the last to catch on to relationships his friends have started, etc. etc. He’s romance-favourable in the sense that he’s currently in a romantic relationship with Annabeth, but honestly, I don’t think he cares enough about romance to use any of the above labels.

Have they ever experienced arophobia? If so, how?

Yeah, he’s had a bunch of assholes tell him that he’s just straight, or that he needs to use demi as a modifier, or that demiromanticism doesn’t exist, etc. etc. However, he’s been lucky enough to have a supportive family and a queer as fuck friendgroup, so it hasn’t been as bad as it could’ve been and he’s had a lot of support.

How do they show their arospec pride?

PUNS (IN THE FORM OF DEMI- JOKES). SO MANY FUCKING PUNS. NEITHER HE NOR I WILL SHUT UP ABOUT THE PUNS.

Do they actively try to combat amatonormativity in their daily lives or elsewhere? If so, how?

Sort of? He’s loudly demi, which combats amatonormativity pretty much automatically, but he’s not exactly the type to go around educating everyone about the concept of amatonormativity or anything. That’s what Annabeth is for.

Was it easy for them to label themselves arospec, or was there a long period of questioning? How many labels did they have to try before landing on the one they use now?

Honestly, he just sort of assumed that the world was playing a prank on him regarding this ‘falling in love at first sight’ thing, or in general, this ‘falling in love’ thing. He’s never had a crush on anyone before Annabeth, and was honestly halfway convinced that the concept was fake until her, but he also never really analyzed that? He just kind of… assumed that was normal. Calypso was the first real wrench in that theory, but he chalked it up to her being not human and went about his life.

Aaand then he overheard someone talking about being demi, got massively confused for a second, asked for clarification before, you know, calling a satyr, and realized ‘oh hey that’s me!’.

So all in all, the questioning process was pretty straight forward, just hampered by him being very oblivious.

Would they be interested in a QPR? Why or why not?

Hmmm, maybe? I think he’s satisfied with his romantic relationship with Annabeth, but I also don’t necessarily think he’d be opposed to one. I don’t think he’d search one out, but if someone asked, he’d probably be willing to give it a go.

Final thoughts?

This was my first ever aro headcanon and I can and WILL die on this hill.

#my posts #Anonymous #arospec headcanon #asks #edward elric #fma #percy jackson #pjo #long post

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aro-botic · 5 years

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I didn't know who else to ask.. I had a particularly difficult childhood and I can't tell if I'm aro or afraid? I finished things with my girlfriend so I could figure this out and if love to know what being aro feels like from your experience

Hi there anon!

First thing I want to say is that I’m sorry you had a difficult childhood. These kinds of things can have huge ripple effects out to the kind of person we become. It is absolutely, 100% okay to identify as aro due to trauma. It’s also totally okay to identify as aro at first, and then later find that identity changing. Neither of these things would make your identity any less valid, if you eventually do settle on identifying as being aro.

Also it’s interesting that you bring up being “afraid” as an alternative to being aro. For me, my aromaticism is almost characterized by being afraid. I’m terrified that someone would see me in a romantic way, and that it could change any friendship I had with them before. The very idea of romance scares me - it’s something I don’t understand and don’t want to participate in, but still am surrounded by and expected to want. I’m afraid of the world not being accessible to me as a single person, I’m afraid of losing my friends to their committed relationships. And of course, bc of the truly insidious nature of amatonormativity I’m weirdly terrified of not falling in love, even though the very thought of being in a relationship usually makes me feel trapped and anxious.

Of course that’s all some deeps-seated fears that are more of a result of being aro in a romance-centered culture than a true description of what it feels like to be aro. There are definitely differences in the way I prioritize my life compared to others. My views on relationships have always been a little bit different than others; when I was a kid I literally thought that ‘love’ was a social construct and that people just kind of ... tricked(?) themselves into feeling it so that they could emulate what happened in movies and TV. As I mentioned, romance doesn’t make sense to me. It seems very... frivolous and honestly like a big waste of time haha

As for more general things, the first thing I need to say is that I’m at the end of the aro spectrum in that I never experience any degree of romantic attraction. As strange as it sounds if you’re new to the concept of aromanticism as a lack of romantic attraction, experiencing romantic attraction doesn’t actually prohibit you from being aromantic.

That being said, some of the things that I feel are heavily related to my aromanticism are:

not understanding why people value romantic partners over other forms of relationships

not understanding why people think sex and romantic relationships are inherently linked (e.g. needing to be dating a person to have sex with them, thinking the only way to loose your virginity is to someone you’re hopelessly in love with)

not getting crushes

getting very, very bored during drawn-out romantic plots in TV/movies

feeling smothered by being in/thinking of being in romantic relationships

people thinking you’re “cold” or “heartless” bc you’ve honestly just got better things to do with your mental energy then worry about what this person thinks about you in relation to dating/romance

never getting butterflies when you think of a person, even if you like them and/or get a long with them a lot

being sort of vaguely uncomfortable being friends with the opposite agab, bc you’ve always been told that leads to romance

There’s some more things about myself and my experiences I could probably dig out that are the result of being aro, but those are some of the more easily described ones (also this post is v long already). One of the big things I find that characterizes my aromaticism is the fact that even if I do some day magically feel romantic attraction I’m just not interested in perusing it. I’d rather live my life for myself, get a good career, develop my skills and work on being a better person, than try to engage in any kind of romantic relationship.

Also, there are a couple of posts and resources I’ve come across in my time on aro tumblr that might be of help to you:

“a positive guide for the questioning aro”

the official aromantic resource webpage: AUREA

A list of common aro experiences that people have had

this piece I wrote about what it feels like to be alloaro

A good thing to remember: there’s a wide range of ways people experience aromantcisim, some people do have fulfilling romantic relationships without having romantic attraction to their partners. Some people have QPRs, poly relationships, or engage in some form of relationship anarchy. If none of this resonated for you it doesn’t exclude the possibility of being aro if you feel like it’s a label that fits. Likewise, if all of it did but you still don’t feel like you connect with the label, then there’s no pressure to define yourself as such.

Hope that helps!! And good luck with your soul-searching, it’s a brain-bending task but for me it was well worth it in the end ^_^

#boy howdy this sure ended up longer than i thought it would #if you have any other questions feel free to send me another ask anon!#aro #aromantic #questioning #asks #advice #resources #Anonymous

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aro-neir-o · 5 years

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4, 8, 12, 24 for aro ask meme :)

Three of you came into my inbox for this (thank you!) and all of you suggested 24. One other person also suggested 1 and 8, so I will do 1, 4, 8, 12, and 24 in this ask.

1. Where are you on the aro-spectrum?

This changes from time to time (I’m aroflux)! Sometimes I have honestly no idea but some common areas on the spectrum that I have identified before include: aromantic (in the stereotypical “experiences no romantic attraction or anything close to it and never will” way - kind of like apothiromantic), arovague, aegoromantic, nebularomantic, and quoiromantic.

All of them can be summed up by “I don’t feel romantic attraction and don’t think I’m capable of it, but occasionally I’m confused by my own categorization of romantic actions. Sometimes I’m romance-repulsed, sometimes I’m romance-neutral or even on the cusp of favourable.”

Currently, as of today’s writing, I’m in romance-neutral territory and have no clue about a specific label haha.

4. What moments make you think, “Well I’m definitely aro.”

When I’m romance-repulsed it’s pretty easy to tell. I’ll hate romance even as a concept and actively run from it in media, in person, everywhere. Sometimes it’ll even nauseate me. It’s a special kind of sensory overload, à la “romo overload,” that always makes me think, “Well I’m definitely aro.”

When I’m more on the -neutral or -favourable side, I can always tell my strong affections will never reach romance because so much of how romance is marketed in my society just seems like obnoxious performance. Why can’t I go on friend dates? Why can’t I have multiple important people in my life who I am very affectionate with without them being my partner? Partnering confuses me in general; I’m not really about that exclusivity (though I know others like that kind of commitment-made-official).

Me actively rejecting romance, despite my actions sometimes being read as “romantic,” always makes me go, “Well I’m definitely aro.”

8. What other identities are you, if any?

On the aro-spec I’m a nonamorous aro.

I’m also bialterous.

In terms of non-arospec identities, I’m asexual (aegosexual, particularly) and sex-repulsed (probably? Though this is a little complicated). I’m also genderqueer.

12. Arrow or ice cream aro?

Shit, this is the hardest question on here. Both? Both. Yeah, both is fine. [Insert Road to El Dorado meme here]

As long as the ice cream isn’t matcha.

24. Best part of being aro?

Being able to connect with a community of people who all queer romance and fight amatonormativity in incredibly diverse ways. Being aromantic affords me a lens to look at the world and society’s norms in a completely different way. I always learn something new from the varied perspectives the aros in the community give.

It’s also notable that y’all are so positive. Exhibit A: every anon in my inbox suggested this question.

Also, for me as a nonamorous aro in particular, not having to deal with partnering/relationship drama. ;)

#personal #ask meme #ask #actuallyaromantic

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askanaroace · 5 years

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[screenshots of a tumblr post: @multishipper-baby asked: Hey, I have a question! Can I identify as a bi aroace if I'm gray-romantic? I know it's still in the aro spectrum, but I don't want to make other aroaces uncomfortable and use a label that's not mine

/end ask

@biaroace answered:I’ll start off by saying that I cannot control what you or anyone else calls themselves. However, I will say that I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with someone aro/ace-spec [a-spec for short] using “bi aroace” for the sake of brevity alone (and this goes for any other flavor of oriented aroace).

“Why? Ace-spec people call themselves ace all the time. How is this any different?” That’s because the dynamics of the ace community are very different: asexuals are prioritized within their own orientation. They don’t have to fight to be recognized within their own label. They don’t have to question whether a post employing the term “asexual” includes them or not. They aren’t hesitantly listed off fifth in a list of possible definitions at best and outright excluded at worst whenever someone asks “what’s an asexual?”. Rather, those were the plights of a-spec people.

I believe that’s the very reason a-specs made their own terms, and adopted the terms of the dominant majority (aro/ace) as shorthand. It’s perfectly justifiable! It’s admirable, even! But to transfer this practice onto oriented aroace labels would be a grave mistake, because as of now, we hold nowhere near the influential power aces and aros hold within their own communities. If anything, it is a-specs who are prioritized over us. A-specs who are taken as being the more “acceptable” meaning of bi aroace (as opposed to us weird oriented aroace heathens with our ~non-romantic/sexual unspecified attraction~). A-specs who are the face of our very orientation despite employing it as a mere shorthand. You’re not sticking it to the big man by claiming “bi aroace” as an a-spec person. You’re repeating exactly what was done to you. In order to help us be rid of this dynamic, I encourage you to leave “bi aroace” to oriented aroaces and instead use the equally cool alternate shorthands provided by your very own aro/ace-spec communities. For instance, bi-grayro ace could act as a neat shorthand for you (plus it’s got the same amount of syllables!) :>

Finally, I’d like to thank you for having taken the time to send this message. Your mindfulness as an ally is greatly appreciated, and I hope my response cleared things up!!

/end answer

@babyferrettails reblogs with: Yes! I’m sick of people saying that someone who uses an “orientation+aroace” term to describe themselves are probably grayace or grayro. It completely undermines oriented aroaces which is unfortunately the norm in the community already. @biaroace I’m glad you took the time to type this up it explains it really well!

/end reblog

@aceexplorations reblogs with: So I️ understand where you peeps are coming from. I️ really do. But as someone who would like to identify as a lesbian aroace but can only get up the courage to identify as an aroace who desires a long term relationship but only with other women, I️ really don’t mind people who are aro/asespec identifying as a label-aroace.My reason is this: At the moment you never hear of ANYONE identifying as label-aroace and as a result anytime anyone does people, all people, question how that is possible. The more people use the label the faster others will get used to hearing it. And as long as people remember to include an explanation for how someone who is aroace and not aroacespec can be label-aroace I️ think getting people more familiar with the label can only help.Plus, I️ don’t believe in telling somebody how they should or should not identify. They should do whatever makes them feel the most comfortable.

/end caption]

Yeah... I'm actually incredibly uncomfortable with this push to limit who can identify how, especially in this context. I’m tagging @multishipper-baby to make sure he can see multiple perspectives on this, and thank you @aceexplorations for speaking up as well.

For one, the orientation+aroace format was something people were using before "oriented aroace" came about, and there are still people who identify this way who do not specifically identify as an oriented aroace. It'd be one thing if it was a natural progression of the term changing to mean something more specifically, but forcefully trying to push people out of a term that has been open to them before "oriented aroace" became a named, defined thing does not at all sit well with me.

For two, there are many reasons - all extremely valid - why some choose to verbally identify, identify only as, or in many cases shorten to aro/ace when they are aspec. For example, can be easier than getting into an even more detailed explanation and so plain exhaust them less. It could even mean that they feel more comfortable setting boundaries in not having to discuss personal matters that may make them uncomfortable. We've long been pushing that aromantic and asexual can absolutely be umbrella terms and that you don't have to identify as aspec or some certain aspec term if you don't want, aren't comfortable with, don't prefer, or are unsure where you otherwise stand. To limit that now after we've worked really hard to make these terms open and welcoming to folk who are constantly wondering if they belong... I can't tell you how many times I've seen demia folk asking if they're welcome in the community, and graya in particular was hit extremely violently by exclusionism (at one point, basically dying out as a known label and only recently being talked about again).

For three, it’s long been the tagline of the queer community (perhaps particularly for nonbinary and aspec people, but I am currently most involved in those communities) that labels are, first and foremost, for ourselves. Do we feel a connection to labeling a certain way, even if it’s merging or stringing together multiple terms? Does it help us communicate how we feel? Does it bring us a sense of relief to use the term? Then we should use it (excluding instances of cultural appropriation or other harmful actions)! I am not seeing a reason here why it harms either oriented aroaces or non-oriented aroace orientation+aroaces to both be using the format orientation+aroace.

Finally... I'm sorry, I'm just not at all understanding the point of limiting who can identify as an orientation+aroace. When we're creating strict and limiting turns, we have to ask ourselves: why? What purpose is this serving? Does it help more people than it hurts? Is it unnecessarily leaving people out/making people feel unwelcome and/or invalid?

Honestly, I understand the argument so little, I can’t even make a point against it, nor figure out what the heck question I should be asking. The aspec spectrums simply do not exist in some sort of hierarchy as you are implying. Some folk may have more visibility than others (due to the size of the community, how long they’ve been pushing for education - not due to a particular in community effort to maliciously destabilize ourselves), and it’s true that right now there’s a lot of valid discussions going on about how people need to be careful with their words (stop saying aromantic when you mean asexual), but nobody was gatekeeping orientation+aroace until these ideas on your blog started coming up.

I saw someone trying to argue that they wanted oriented aroace to have full ownership over orientation+aroace because they wanted it to be immediately clear to people that they were specifically aroace and not graya, to which, I’m sorry, but I have to call bullshit. Orientation labels honestly say very little about us and the true complexities of our feelings, and they work well that way!

For example, someone who identifies as bi may be someone: with a strong preference for one gender over another, someone who’s only attracted to a specific amount of genders, someone who’s attracted to multiple genders but may not even include one of the expected binary genders, someone with no discernable preference for one gender over another, someone who’s attracted to all genders but considers gender an important component of their attraction, etc. Someone saying they’re bi doesn’t tell you anything beyond the fact that they’re attracted to two or more genders!

Aro and ace have long been this way as well. Even aroace is as well! There are so many details and intricacies to our feelings, desires, repulsions, aversions, preferences, wants, etc. that no label could possibly encompass all important aspects of our identity! At some point, there’s gotta be a breakdown where we realize that labels are a quick summary of how we feel, not the end all, be all of who we are or how we’re allowed to feel.

Aspec people calling themselves aromantic, asexual, or aroace all know there is a tradeoff to not outright specifying the spectrum part of their identity, and they are making the choice for themselves that they are okay and comfortable with what that entails. It should not be up to us to try and shame them out of that. As aspec people, we are not taking anything from each other by using our own community’s terms!!! It’s a difficult amatonormative, sexnormative, heteronormative world we must navigate. Our terms and our community should make it easier for us to navigate these minefields, not create more minefields to trip each other up in.

I’d be completely fine if “oriented aroace” itself was a term to specifically be defined in a strict manner. I am not okay with the bold claims that oriented aroaces somehow own the pattern of merging together identity terms in non-standard ways to describe themselves, specifically owning oriented+aroace, of which I have an incredibly hard time believing they invented.

So far, I’m not seeing how it harms us to keep orientation+aroace something open. However, I am hearing from people who are hurt by trying to make it more exclusive.

#gatekeeping #identity policing #exclusion #excluding #community discussions #aroace #oriented aroace #anti graya #anti grayro #anti grace #anti acespec #anti arospec #anti aspec #identity #yikes i didn't want to believe it when shades of grayro mentioned it #but this leaves me feeling very gross

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bonesandblood-sunandmoon · 5 years

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Polyplatonic, but Open

Carnival of Aros - Aug 2019 - “Relationships” from The Aro Anarchist on WP [Link to Call for Submissions].

What does an ideal relationship look like to you?

What a coincidence that I posted something back in April in response to the implication that I have one ideal relationship [link to the untitled post]. By this point, I can’t pinpoint an exact year where I first heard about polyamory, but I’ve been using poly-flexible long enough that I struggle with trying put all of my potentially conflicting needs onto the shoulders of one partner.

This doesn’t mean I have to have a minimum of a certain number of partners, and I honestly may find that spoons drastically affect the point where I get polysaturated after trying polyamory out. It’s rather noticeable in trying to explain the conflicting people of that hypothetical group, but whether there’s a sexual drive or romance drive involved, those two typically aren’t combined and directed at one person. Or to put it another way, I don’t default to wanting to have a romantic and sexual relationship with the same individual. (Unless the planets and stars align just so? But I can’t really predict if or when that might happen; so, it’s safer to err on the side of it probably not happening.)

In hindsight, I think knowing about appromour [link] and wavership [link] would’ve changed how I approached hypothetical Person E (QPP) when I first wrote that post. But the gist still stands that I’m open to doing activities a partner feels is romantic and/or others may read as romantic, even if I’m not sure I can differentiate romantic and platonic.

Do you consider yourself polyamorous or a relationship anarchist? What do those words mean to you as an aromantic person?

In my response to June’s CoA prompt (Imagine A World Without Amatonormativity [Link]), I mentioned that I first encountered amatonormativity from polyam discussions. I don’t quite feel confident in saying that I’m definitely polyamorous when I haven’t had actual experience with more than one relationship, so I’ve stuck with poly-flexible. Honestly, the realization that I’m somewhere in the aro spectrum/umbrella is still new enough that I’m more likely to consider myself a polyam person approaching the aro community.

While I can understand some of the foundational theory where relationship anarchists operate from, I actually haven’t really sought out solely RA (and not overlapping with polyamory) circles. It doesn’t come down to some sort of difference of ideas, opinions, or whatever that might sound reasonable. I just got the shitty luck of the first relationship anarchist I interacted with being someone I didn’t want to interact with any further so I avoided their circles, which extended to RA at the time.

These days, particularly on tumblr, it’s a bit of a coin toss in that I’ve typically found those who overlap polyam and RA in some way. Sometimes, it’s as simple as personally following an RA structure but interacting and tagging polyam because it is/was a larger community or had more frequented tags. For me, leaning into RA doesn’t seem to have room for allo friends who don’t want to fall into amatonormativity but aren’t really committed to RA themselves. RA doesn’t seem like a one-way endeavor, y’know?

How do you feel about various models that a-spec communities have come up with to talk about non-traditional relationships?

I suspect I tried so hard to poke at whether I might want a queerplatonic partner as Person E had to do with QPRs being the most commonly referenced non-traditional relationship model I’ve run into. It’s quite likely they still serve a need, or we probably would’ve abandoned this terminology, but sometimes, I have the distinct feeling that the vague, open spaces for what “queering a platonic relationship” looks like is a tad too vague and open for some people.

Honestly, I feel like I’m treading water with keeping up on friendship maintenance (particularly as it’s moved from in-person daily interaction from school environments to solely LDR/online spaces), and I haven’t really had the spoons for poking at non-traditional relationships. I have friends who I consider Important People, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier keeping in touch, let alone asking allo friends about whether they’re comfortable doing xyz that’s different from what they’re used to doing in friendships.

Not to mention that bridging the allo to a-spec gap in a friendship isn’t exactly the same as trying to ask about non-traditional relationships. It’s one thing to be like ‘hey friend, do you mind if I do x or say z?’, but once things start to stray too non-traditional, it gets into educational territory and explaining that I’m not trying to date them. (Or force polyam on them, break up their relationship, encourage cheating, etc. Have you had an allo explain what an emotional affair was to you? 10/10 don’t recommend.)

tl;dr While I can understand some of the foundations of relationship anarchy, I’m more likely to describe myself as poly-flexible due to longer exposure to polyamory circles. In theory, being able to split different attraction drives between a group of people works better than putting everything on one person’s shoulders, but realistically, I’m not sure if I’ll have the spoons for that in the near future, particularly when you take into account friendship maintenance spoons.

#aro spectrum #polyamory #My writing

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aro-positivity · 6 years

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a guide for the questioning aro: a masterlist

there is an exact copy of this masterlist under the “resources” tab on my blog!

finding out your romantic orientation can be a struggle. it’s laborious, intense, and often unrewarding. there’s a dearth of information available to aro and aro spec people, and that’s a shame.

i’ve compiled a list of the links and resources that helped me the most: from the blogs that helped explain what aromanticism was to the positivity blogs that helped me not feel so alone. hopefully this helps someone out, because no one deserves to feel like they’re groping in the dark when it comes to something as vital as your identity.

(if there’s something that helped you out, message me, and i’ll add it to the list!)

definitions: what is aromanticism? (and all the other words associated with it)

AVEN Wiki — fairly basic. kind of clinical, really only for people with zero understanding of aromanticism. good as a tool to help explain to cishets.

About Asexuality and the Ace/Aro Spectrum — goes into the types of attraction that different people can experience. explains the difference between sexual and romantic orientation a little better.

That’s So Aromantic — a psychology today article that is a bit like the last source, but with more attached resources and extra definitions for words like queerplatonic and amatonormativity.

Turtle Analogy — a cute sketchy comic that explains aspec orientations in the easiest possible way.

AACE Club Resources — some definitions about aro spec identities and more resources.

5 Myths About Aromanticism — a buzzfeed article. pretty self-explanatory, but something i had to come to grips with was all the stereotypes about aro people—that we’re cold, unloving, etc. this definitely helped with that.

Meet the Aromantics — stories from actual aros on their experiences with being aro, and what that meant for them. this helped a lot in validating my own feelings and experiences.

Aromantics Just Wanna Be Your Friend — a vice article. combines definition and testimony into one well-written package.

Amatonormativity — a definition, written by the person who coined the word. also includes its own resources that you may find helpful.

am i aromantic?

if you’re here, you’re probably already questioning your romantic orientation, or maybe you’re just trying to learn more about the subject. either way, this list, compiled by anagori, is things they’ve seen in themself and other people. they also have a really good linkspam.

so you’ve realized you’re aromantic. now what?

chances are you’re probably gonna want to read up some more on the subject, whether on aromanticism in general, or queerplatonic relationships, or alterous attraction. here’s a few things to help you do that.

Commitment in Relationships for Celibate Asexuals and Aromantics — this article just resonated with me in a way that i can’t fully explain. in it, the author (of whose pronouns i am unsure of) discusses levels of commitment, and how to attain them in an increasingly amatonormative world.

Experiences of Loving — an analysis on the different types of love and how powerful non-romantic love can be.

related blogs to send asks to/follow any inactive blogs on this list are here purely for the archives.

Aro-Ace Place

Ace and Aro Positivity

Arospec Awareness Week — this links straight to their resources page, which was incredibly helpful. the blog itself is inactive.

Hugs and Squishes — a blog that showcases queerplatonic feelings and relationships, as well as intense platonic feelings. no romance involved.

Queerplatonic and Aromantic Advice — somewhat inactive, but the archive is useful.

Aro Ace Nesting Place

Aro Support — also inactive.

Asexual and Aromantic Support Group

A-Spec People Are Beautiful

Positivity and Reassurance Blog for A-Spec People

(my follow page is also public. i follow mostly aro positivity blogs, with a few blogs that post both aro and ace content, and one or two blogs that post generalized LGBT stuff.)

#signal boost #questioning aro #aromantic #aro #lgbt #lgbtq #aro resources #aromantic resources #lgbt resources #resources #aro positivity #aromantic positivity #op

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rotten-zucchinis · 6 years

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some reflections on making sense, apparently only to myself

This post was written for the July 2018 Carnival of Aces on the topic “Now and Then” [call for submissions] [roundup of posts].

I’ve been out as asexual for so long that I forget sometimes that people don’t know what that means. I don’t mean strangers, because I’m still constantly having to explain things to people in all sorts of contexts that there’s no way that I could forget that. But I’ve had these conversations for many years with people in my life who apparently still don’t get it. And I’m also increasingly aware that people in various radical communities can’t be assumed to have had any exposure to ace anything.

I’ve been at this so long, making sense of my own life, experiences, and all sorts of ideas and concepts, that I forgot sometimes that other people aren’t on the same page with me-- that they wouldn’t even be able to locate the page, let alone read it if they could. I’m very much not new at this anymore. But that means, I’m not speaking the same language as most people I interact with. And too often, I forget that.

Having the discursive tools of the ace community has been really powerful and has helped me make sense of myself and much of my experience. But a big part of that power for me comes from the way these things can integrate into and/or reshape other discursive contexts I occupy-- contexts that are already geared toward fundamentally changing the society in which I exist and dismantling the power structures that sustain it. The flip side of that, though, is alienation from a lot of people. There aren’t a lot of other people who can share in that.

For the most part, I’m kind of only making sense to myself.

moments of context

Recently, after my sister came with me to participate in a Pride march, it came out that she had no idea that I was aromantic [like this], despite basically my entire life of not dating anyone, and my doing significant non-romantic (non-sexual) relationships. And perhaps more importantly, despite the many conversations I’ve had with her about QP stuff and about family members not taking my relationships seriously because they’re not romantic... That’s not exactly what I’d call “easy to miss”.

And my mother apparently didn’t know that I was sex-averse, which led to some interesting dinner-table conversation with questions that I think other people were not comfortable hearing being put to me or with me having to answer. My mother has attended workshops (plural) that I’ve facilitated and panels I’ve been on where I’ve discussed these things. I don’t understand how she didn’t know. So I have to wonder what it is that people actually take from my explanations.

The other day, someone I know in person who’d recently got a copy of my relationship anarchy / shiva zine [here] mentioned looking forward to reading it, but phrased that in such a way as to suggest they thought there was a lot of substantive content to grapple with. As this is someone I know through anarchist spaces and who’s very well-versed in all sorts of radical political theory, my first thought was that they must not have looked over the zine because I doubt there’s all that much content that would be new, other than perhaps details about Jewish stuff (and my family). But on second thought, I realised that they might not have more than a passing familiarity of the concept of asexuality and had probably never encountered words like amatonormativity. And I was left to wonder, how would a text like that read to someone who hasn’t been steeped in ace community discourse?

When I table at zine faires, that zine doesn’t tend to get picked up by people who aren’t already familiar with ace things... I always have other educational materials... and on the occasion the title strikes someone’s fancy who’s new to asexuality, we have a conversation about it first, and I make sure they have other reading materials. And yet, I sill don’t know what people are going to make of that. I really have no idea what people will take from my words.

some reflections

Back when I first came out as asexual so many years ago now, my aromanticism was just part of my asexuality in such a way that it didn’t immediately need to be articulated.

It took me a while to claim “aromantic” or (very dark) “grey romantic” (and not just because this was before we had the language of “grey”-- and before AVEN’s triangle had a gradient). These things are complicated [like I’ve discussed before]. But I knew right off-the-bat that I wasn’t interested in dating and also that I was interested in (and had been doing) significant non-romantic (and non-sexual) relationships. And these were asexual things for me. As I’ve discussed before [e.g., here in response to someone], aromanticism has always been part of asexuality for many aces, in a way that asexuality is not part of aromanticism. So I came out as asexual, and had a lot of people not believe me for a long time [e.g., as I’ve discussed before here]. But I never felt the need to come out as aromantic in the same way, because people already knew how I was doing significant relationships and were already giving me a hard time for it-- it’s not like they didn’t know. I’d assumed it was obvious, and ground I thought we’d covered.

My earlier years within asexual/ace community were a time before there even was a non-ace arospec community-- our ace language was necessary for that to come into existence later on. And while the ace community was quite deliberately set up to fit neatly into contemporary sexual orientation politics, it was still a time before “attractions” were mapped onto compulsory “orientations” and “identities” as a matter of course [as I’ve discussed here], which are constructed as independent of each other [as I’ve discussed here] in the neoliberal nightmare appropriation version of the split attraction model. (It's not that people didn't call themselves romantic and aromantic-- ace of hearts and ace of spades are old-school community symbols-- because they did, and people used terms like gay-A, bi-A, straight-A. But a lot of us didn't use such labels and there wasn't an expectation that they're somehow necessary in the way there is today... albeit with somewhat different sets of labels.)

We’ve now moved into a context where it’s socially relevant to create hyper-specific identity labels [as I’ve discussed here], where something effectively becomes sacrosanct through articulation as an identity [as I’ve discussed here], and where it’s horribly taboo to recognise how systems of marginalisation act much more broadly than just on internal “identities” [as I’ve discussed here] or “internal experiences of attraction” [as I’ve discussed here]. (These are very anti-materialist times...)1

And we’ve now had time to see things like the assimilationist clawing back of things like QP relationships into “romance light” [e.g., as I’ve discussed here] or meagre attempts to side-step the issue of resisting the assimilationism via troubled concepts like “aplatonic” [as I’ve discussed here].

And these are things I’ve had to resist, both in my own life and as I interface with ace discourse in various places. These are things that not everyone wants to resist. And that means, I’m often very much not on the same page as many fellow aces around me-- especially as those who tend to regularly participate in ace-specific things. (There are of course aces next to whom I don’t seem so “out there radical” but I mostly encounter them in other spaces, spaces more explicitly about changing the world, spaces that don’t view liberal ideals as avenues for liberation. And it’s far too infrequent we have the opportunity to speak about our liberationist ace agendas.)

Because I’ve been involved in ace community for so long, it’s hard to keep track of how things shift-- (of the many a’s relevant to my life,) when did the A that defined my existence shift from “asexual” to “aroace”? And what was that change? It wasn’t *me* changing-- it’s not like I ever changed how I do intimacy and relationships-- it was the discursive landscape that changed.

But I am cognisant that the discursive landscape I reference is the discursive landscape specifically of the ace community. To the outside world-- to people who didn’t understand the diversity of what asexuality could mean-- the only changes were in opening up orders of possibilities: the change of it becoming possible to be so many more things. I guess despite my efforts to provide adequate explanations to people in my life, I was never able to make people understand more than the reductive definitional shell of asexuality. We were never speaking the same language.

And I am reminded of years ago when I first had conversations with family members about being neither a woman nor a man-- before I had the language of non-binariness. I had to use a metaphor with shiny and fuzzy cows, in which I am tree. I would have thought those would have been memorable conversations. Apparently not. People can forget what they can’t assimilate, what doesn’t make sense. But eventually, when the language caught up and became something they could access, they were able to remember, even if they still deadname and mispronoun me. Even if they don’t really understand what it means.

At this point, I’ve spent so much time thinking through ideas that it’s almost hard to have a conversation-- something comes up, and then I have to do so much explaining. Heck, when I wanted to explain textual intimacy to someone, I ended up having to write more than ten thousand words *before* I could even start [e.g., here].

For the most part, I’m kind of only making sense to myself.

I don’t know how much of that is new, and how much is just a new recognition of the degree to which I always was only ever making sense to myself.

Footnote:

1 cw for anti-ace hostility

This anti-materialist framing is what makes it possible for The Discourse TM to even make sense. I’m not interested in talking about that specifically-- I’ve written before [here] about how things like people’s experiences with homophobia and heterosexism don’t divide up neatly according to identity let alone by “experiences of attraction”-- but there’s a change in the shape of some of the general anti-ace hostility that I think is worth mentioning.

We’ve seen a radical shift since I was a teen: When I was in high school, people gave me death threats and told me to kill myself at least partly because they could tell that I was asexual and none of us knew that was a thing [e.g., as I’ve written about before]. Now, people are harassing high school students, giving them death threats and telling them to kill themselves (online) at least partly because they’re asexual and everyone involved knows that’s a thing. Fortunately, that kind of harassment tends to be largely online, but there’s a parallel here that is striking.

#carnival of aces #july 2018 carnival of aces #ace #aroace #ace discousre (in the literal sense)#reflections #some of the context for this is a neoliberal nightmare #things change but they don't change

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