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onlyswan · 1 year

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summary: in which jungkook is giving up on you but you have so much love left to give.

> idol!jungkook x f!reader / angst, fluff, suggestive / wc: 8.3k

> warnings: mention of infidelity (no one did u can breathe ily), mention of a classmate slipping their number in oc’s pocket and oc feeling unsafe, mention of puking, mentions & allusion to s/x, alcohol consumption, making out, boob!e fondle, gr*nding kinda? jungkook is hard™️ they’re so in love it’s sickening

> in which masterlist!

playlist! and if/or when - ruel / hate everything - jungkook cover (gsoul) / hits different - taylor swift / statue - lil’ eddie / i wouldn’t ask you - clairo (i had to get in the zone & this is so oc-coded i need u to listen i’m so srs)

next: in which you don’t want to give up jungkook (even when he gave you reasons to, even if they give you reasons to).

note: this was a journey. happened back in june 2019.!! i’m ripping off the bandaid <3 deep sigh writing this made me realize how my babies have come so far. hopefully will follow up with a fluffy fluff lowkey inspired by the underwear live soonest lols i’m excited for it 2 stay tuned 🫂 reblogs & feedback are much appreciated <3

—

you forgot the walls of the apartment building you’re living in are thin. a small portion of the white paint has been chipped off, it looks like a birth mark, you note — except it’s not, and you’re the one who caused the irregularity.

your favorite glass is scattered across the kitchen floor, reduced to shards and to sparkling pieces almost as miniscule as dust. you don’t know what came over you. you don’t know why you threw it at the wall instead of filling it with cold water to only drink three sips like you usually do.

just when you thought you’ve been faring well in holding yourself together today, a fresh wave of sorrow overwhelms you. your knees buckle as you begin weeping, the loudest you’ve been since this nightmare has started. it swallows the knocking sounds at your door, but it’s still not loud enough to quell jungkook’s quivering voice playing like a broken record on loop inside your head.

“we should end this… i think it’s for the best, before we get drained.”

the rain is coming down fiercely and you’re freezing inside his car, parked outside your apartment. after all, his balenciaga windbreaker can only do so much against the blasted airconditioner. your throat is painfully dry, and your hands and face are numb from the piercing cold. but those are the least of your concerns because you feel like your head had just been dunked in ice water. the sting in your eyes are burning warmer as the seconds fly by and the muffled sounds of the torrential raindrops drum frantically in your ears. they’re clouding the car windows, mirroring jungkook’s tear-stained cheeks.

“i’m leaving again in three weeks. and i’m leaving again next year… and i’ll be gone again soon after that for a long time. i-i don’t know when i’m coming home, ___.” he pauses. the heel of palms press against his eyes, as if that could possibly barricade the saltwater leaking from them. “i never know where my life is taking me and you have your own… there’s too much-too much going on. i think that i’m just wasting your time, that this isn’t- it’s not going anywhere.”

“open the door! hello?! ___!”

“what do you want?!” you seeth in annoyance, swinging the door open to reveal your pesky neighbor.

he scratches the top of his head awkwardly at the sight of the mess that you greeted him with, having not bothered to pretend that you weren’t wailing your heart out.

”hey, i know you’re going through something…” his lips remain parted as he struggles to find the correct word, his right eye twitching voluntarily. “soul-crushing? right now. but i heard glass breaking and i was concerned that you, uhm, might’ve hurt yourself.”

the apparent nervousness and sincerity in his actions pull you out from the isolating disassociation you’ve imprisoned yourself in. you feel humiliated, presenting yourself in your most pitiful form infront of a kid two years younger than you. you envy him for having it together after storming out of his parents’ house while you-

“i’m not hurt. it was just an accident.”

you’re shamelessly lying infront of his face because the truth makes you feel too ashamed of yourself.

he only nods, smiling in relief. “i don’t know how to help make you feel better, so i just brought honey like i used to do before.”

you sigh, the familiar jar of honey and its red checkered lid waving at you like an old friend. has it been a year?

“bro, i told you i can’t accept this anymore.”

“you and your boyfriend already broke up. what’s the big deal?”

you have never wanted to smack someone more, the genuine confusion painted on his face feels like an infuriatingly harsh slap to yours.

“he wasn’t threatened by your honey, you dipshit. we just found out my blood sugar was getting a bit high!”

“oh- i’m so-”

you angrily slam the door shut. the silence you’re left with is suffocating, and you find yourself breaking down again.

he jumps in surprise when you open the door again, yelling- “and we’re not broken up!” before ripping away the jar of honey from his sweaty palms. he’s left completely flabbergasted, an inexplicable heaviness weighing on his chest when he hears your sniffling from the other side of the hard-wood.

“does that mean i can deliver again next week? i have too much in my kitchen…”

he doesn’t receive a snarky answer, surprisingly, so he continues talking.

“and f-y-i, your left cheek is bleeding! you might want to check on that!”

—

“you didn’t even give me any signs…”

you inhale a deep, shaky breath in a fragile attempt of keeping your composure. you want to scream, rip apart this thick tension with your bare hands, and force him to admit that this is just some kind of sick joke. you finally see him in person after months and all he has for you is a gift bag filled to the brim with heartbreak. this is too casually cruel, not something you would’ve expected from your jungkook.

“do you really mean that? or is there something else you’re not saying…? look at me.” you plead, weakly tugging at the hem of his long-sleeved shirt. the horrors of long-distance relationship stories claw their way out of your skin, adding fuel to the fire of your deepest fear. “you didn’t cheat on me, right? that can’t be it. we- we always-”

after you ended your last relationship, you cried at the parking lot of your university and continued living your life the next morning as if nothing happened at all. you did it all for yourself, anyway. he was gradually tearing down your confidence and your dignity; and you didn’t want to become a person the future you would despise for not being wiser, stronger.

and here you are at present day: spending the cozy sunday night solving chemistry problems on your desk. you have a blue bandaid plastered on your face and a cheek full of fruit and honey. and you would say you’re fine, but jungkook wasn’t here to sweetly dote on you while treating your wound. he isn’t here to taste the honey from your lips with that coquettish smirk of his. he isn’t laying on your bed, fighting to stay awake because he wants to fall asleep with you as his pillow.

no matter how hard you try to shut out this thought, it keeps knocking on the door. he’s going to be doing these sweet nothings for a different person when he finally reaches a more stable place in his life. you want to kneel on the ground, beg the heavens to meddle with destiny and never let you hear about it.

because that means he will never set foot in your apartment again, and the personal belongings you left in his room will be thrown out to erase the traces you left behind.

so this is how it begins.

the ugliest parts of you are swimming to the surface, tying themselves around your ankles because jungkook took away the ground from beneath your feet after unearthing your soul and… nothing makes sense to you anymore. if you wake up every morning to tend to your garden, and you look outside the window to learn that the sun has stopped burning, what do you have left?

your lips inevitably curve into a frown, but you inhale a sharp breath, patting your eyes dry before they can smudge the black ink on your notepad. and then you dip a strawberry in honey for the third time.

—

“no, baby, no- that’s not it.”

the dread and insecurity weaved into the cracks of your voice fill him with nausea and panic. he captures your frigid hand with haste, firmly holding it to his pounding chest.

“i would never do that to you. just the thought alone fucking disgusts me… you’re the only one. you’ve ruined me for everybody else.”

“then why are you giving up on me? am i becoming a burden?”

jungkook feels painfully numb, mind floating as the buildings outside the window get left behind him as a mere, passing blur.

“yah, jungkook-ah. are you crying?”

a torturous moment of silence passes as he struggles to find his voice. his tongue is tied, and his lost eyes are betraying the nights he spent practicing how to explain himself to you. back then, the reasoning he curated made sense. but faced with the consequences of his actions, the love of his life’s brain running a thousand miles per hour, recording a tale of woe and heartache on his passenger seat — he has never felt this much loathing for himself and his weaknesses.

you release a shaky breath, patting his rosy cheeks dry with your sleeves. you smile at him kindly, and he watches you in sheer disbelief. he can’t fathom the perpetual luck he’s been blessed with that he met, who he believes to be, the purest soul to grace this corrupted world. they’re damp with your tears, so it’s practically useless, but the sweet gesture is a stray beam of sunlight in the midst of the dull gray clouds.

the comforting rubs on his shoulder extracts him from his torturous thoughts, and only then does he feel the wetness on his face.

“you’ve been holding it back for the past week. just cry it out.”

he nods wordlessly, hiding himself in the fleece blanket from his lap. yoongi can feel a lump forming in his throat as he witnesses his youngest brother breaking down, jungkook’s pain also being his pain. as a group who’s been living together for the past decade, no one will be able to empathize with them as well each other. especially during times like this.

“___ hasn’t called?”

jungkook shakes his head wistfully, wiping away the tears that slid down his nose. he is dying to send you a text message, worried sick, and still used to hearing about your day the same way he is used to sleeping on his stomach.

“hyung,” the sound of the word borders on a sob. “it’s over. this is killing me… it’s all my fault.”

“but isn’t that what you wanted?”

“exactly. so why am i crying?” his hands ball into closed fists. “i’m an asshole.”

“enough of that!” yoongi loudly whines out his scolding. ”we all know you had your reason.”

“but, hyung, i fucked up!” he tenses up, blurting out the acknowledgement that’s been haunting him day and night. “she told me the most romantic thing and i felt so… fuck, i’m so angry at myself. i ruined everything. and i’m scared that i’d end up making things worse if i try fixing it.”

“stop beating yourself up. we can’t solve things this way.” yoongi grabs a bottle of water from the cupholder between them, twisting the cap open before handing it to jungkook. “drink first.”

once he starts drinking, he realizes that his throat has been awfully dry and sore. it’s most probably best for him to rest his voice. he can already foresee the concert rehearsal being absolute hell tomorrow. if he can’t sing, he doesn’t know how else he’s supposed to keep himself sane.

“talk to me. what did she say?”

“you’re the first person i’ve fallen in love with, do you know that?”

and with that revelation, he loses the warmth of your touch, and he comes crashing down like a wingless aircraft.

“i also need time to think about it. that’s only fair, right? that i get to decide, too…?” you swallow thickly, lips parting as if the words are resisting to come out of your mouth.

he looks at you with an emotion you can’t name, a push and pull between longing and trepidation.

if this was a movie, he would brave the rain and somehow perfectly deliver a poetically romantic speech that would sway your heart. if this was a movie, you would take a warm bath together, make out in the bathtub, and make love on your bed. if this was a movie, the day would end with the two of you tangled up, peacefully asleep and rhythmic breathing in sync. but he knows you. apparently not as well as he thought, but to some extent, he knows you. if he pulls you closer in the heat of the moment, you would feel suffocated and defensive and you would push him away; and he would lose you for good. that much he knows. so he lets you leave and he stays in the car— heartbroken, crestfallen, and regretful, because he might’ve just recklessly thrown away the best gift the universe has ever given him.

“i was thinking about how she never would’ve made this much sacrifices and efforts for anyone else and i feel like… i- it’s all going to waste because our future is uncertain. i can’t be committed to her as much as she is committed to me. and, and i felt like the guilt was eating away at me, you know? i wasn’t thinking straight.” jungkook chews on his bottom lip, a last ditch effort to prevent himself from sobbing. “it just… consumed me? like i was drowning… and all i could smell and taste was the saltwater.”

“i see,” yoongi sighs, crossing his legs and intertwining his fingers infront of his stomach as he finds the right words to say. “that’s a normal response. our brain is a very complex friend… but you know, everything i’ve been through as myself and as a part of our team, hmmm, they taught me that there are times when a problem doesn’t necessarily need a solution per se. you just keep going until the fog clears up and then you move past it.”

fuck, jungkook needs a glass of whiskey. or two. or twelve. he listens intently despite seeming like he’s spacing out.

“this won’t last forever and time slips away from us without us even noticing. you should do what you want to do. if we’re going to deprive ourselves of good things, what will we have left after everything is over? money we can’t spend in one lifetime? there’s no happiness in that.”

yoongi frowns, wishing he could do more to alleviate the weight hanging on jungkook’s shoulders.

“you deserve love outside all the noise, too. focus on the present which you can still control and deal with the future when it arrives. if you do otherwise, you’ll just be tormenting yourself… and i know it’s easier said than done but! do you want to hear something i’ve had on my mind lately?”

with a flushed face and swollen eyes, he tilts his head to curiously spy on his hyung.

“what is it?”

“your motivation to work out after our shows is so you can stay awake and spend time with her. that’s why you fall asleep everywhere else. do you know how scary and endearing it is to watch that? is that what you call ‘not being committed enough’?”

yoongi fails to hide his gummy smile, body vibrating with silent laughter as pictures of jungkook falling asleep standing up flash before his eyes.

“seriously, you punk! you scare me! i just pass out and die straight after while you- really, you’re really unbelievable. i envy you. for being able to love with everything you have until they break your heart. i mean it!”

“but i’m the one who broke their heart this time.” jungkook somberly utters in defeat, bottom lip jutting out and chin quivering.

yoongi encouragingly pats his shoulder, shaking his body lightly. ”you can make it up to her. she’ll reach out before we leave. have some more patience.”

jungkook’s eyes turn into slits, suspiciously squinting at the man sitting beside him. “why do you sound so sure?”

“because she loves you. why else?”

—

you automatically pause from eating cup ramyeon when your phone lights up on top of the journals you’ve been reviewing for the past hour.

“ah, shit! shit!”

you abruptly cover your mouth with your hand, exhausted eyes watering because you accidentally bit your tongue after reading the name of the sender of your newest text notification. you take sips of cold water, peering at your phone as you do so. your hands itch to type out a response, but the screen dies and turns black, another of yoongi’s messages in the same pile of unanswered ones from your friends checking up on you tonight. you can’t talk to anyone right now; you need to get shit done.

after eating your dinner at the convenience store, you come home to a plastic of fried chicken hanging on the doorknob of your front door.

Eat lots and stay healthy! I’m feeding Jungkook well too. Don’t worry. — Yoongi

you peel off the blue handwritten note, sticking it on the cover of one of your books. you carefully carry the food using your free hand, and you can feel it radiating on your skin, the heat of a freshly-cooked meal. you were always worried of being a bother when you occasionally ask him how jungkook is doing on tour, but this made your heart significantly lighter. gaining a good friend after losing your lover, perhaps life can show a smidge of mercy when it wants to.

too bad you’ve always been one to be greedy.

—

“ah, seriously. why did you have to break up with ___?”

“we’ve been through this a million times!” jungkook exclaims in exasperation as he fiddles with the controller, bumping his knee with taehyung’s. “focus. you’re supposed to be helping me forget.”

“i don’t remember agreeing to that.” taehyung responds with a shrug, smirking when he picks up a booster and runs past his friend’s character. “you finally found someone who could put up with you and you let them go? i won’t let you forget.”

jungkook scoffs, eyes rolling upwards. “bro, i should be the least of your problems.”

“nuh-uh.” taehyung tuts with a grin, belly aching with laughter when jungkook’s car jumps over his to steal the lead. he didn’t even know that was possible. he plans on using the same trick against him later. “i’m making you my biggest problem so i don’t have to deal with mine.”

“they’re not married yet. you still have a chance, you know?”

“yah!” he gapes at jungkook in shock, entirely forgetting about the game. “take that back!”

“don’t act like you haven’t thought of it!”

“yeah, but i don’t say it out loud. it sounds too wrong! i still have my morals left!” he cries out, stomping his feet on the floor.

jungkook lightly punches his arm, eyebrows pinched in confusion. “i meant you have a chance if they break up. i have morals too! what do you think of me?!”

“oh…” taehyung blinks. “you know who else have probably thought of that too, though?”

“who?” jungkook boredly questions as he scrolls through the game collection, contemplating about which one to play next.

“all the other people waiting in line for ___.”

the realization renders him motionless, stirring up the possessiveness coursing through his veins. for the love of god, he doesn’t want to be petty but that struck a nerve. he wants to storm out of the house and look for you, beg on his knees for you to take him back.

“aish, hyung, you’re driving me crazy! why would you tell me that? are we torturing each other?!”

“are you crying? yah, jungkook-ah.” taehyung watches his hunched figure with a guilty wince, hesitant hands rubbing the expanse of his back. “i’m sorry- i’m sorry… do you want a hug?”

jungkook stays quiet, head hanging low to hide his face crumpling with anguish. the loose but affectionate hug that he gets pulled into prompts him to fall apart, catharsis blossoming in his ribcage and turning his bones into jelly.

he hears obnoxiously loud sniffles, and he abandons taehyung’s shoulder to look at his face. “are you crying, too?”

“stop ruining the moment.” taehyung groans, forcefully pushing down his head again.

namjoon comes out from his bedroom in search for another extension cord, still sipping on the half-empty iced americano he took from the fridge only ten minutes ago. the heartfelt scene on the couch causes him to halt on his tracks. how did they go from playing games to crying together? he silently observes the two members for a moment before deciding to approach them.

“what am i going to do with the two of you?” he grunts, ruffling his hair in frustration. “shall we go out for drinks to disinfect your wounded hearts?”

the mention of alcohol makes them perk up, jungkook’s tearful doe eyes sparkling at the prospect of temporarily erasing the pain that has uncontrollably spread throughout his system. he wants to drink until he forgets that he has hands, until he forgets what it feels like to touch you.

“thanks, monie-hyung. i’ll have my appetizer.”

and the iced americano gets snatched away from namjoon’s unsuspecting hand within the blink of an eye.

—

“this is not a barbecue restaurant.” you stare blankly at the orange neon lights spelling out the name of the night club your friends secretly conspired to bring you to.

“___, loosen up! the fastest way to move on is to find someone else. this is the best place for that.” aera turns around from the passenger seat of the taxi, her red lips painting a thrilled smile. “just forget about jungkook. we all knew this shit was going to happen. i’m surprised you even lasted that long!”

“i don’t know what you’re trying to imply but i don’t appreciate your tone.” you warn her with a sharp, threatening look. “and the ‘someone else’ that i found at a bar before turned out to be biggest fucking jerk i’ve ever met. i’m not doing this again.”

“things might be different this ti-” mi-ran aids in persuading you, but it only adds fuel to the fire.

“oh my god! fuck off!” you yell in irritation, aggressively getting off the car and slamming the door shut on their faces.

you never look back, ignoring the shouts of your name and half-assed apologies. you don’t have the slightest idea about where you’re going — your feet have a mind of their own and they chose to go the opposite way of home. this isn’t how you envisioned your night. you just wanted to listen to the sound of the meat grill and complain about life giving you a taste of true love just to cut your tongue with it until you bled. was that too much to ask?

you’re about ninety percent certain that you just lost two of whom you treated to be your closest friends. you think of ah-young, and you briefly consider crashing at your best friend’s band practice, but you’re too exhausted to travel to the other end of the city.

with eleven seconds left in the timer, you cross the street with swift and long strides alongside a crowd consisting mostly of employees wearing the same navy blue uniform. at last, you’re among the bright and lively restaurants, the inviting smell of good food making your stomach sting with hunger.

it’s only taehyung who recognizes you when you unknowingly pass by, almost choking on his glass of somaek, the combination of soju and beer. with his career on the line, he is confident that he can recognize that balenciaga windbreaker anywhere and anytime. meanwhile, instead of talking about you, the youngest is drunkenly reminiscing about the alleged ghost encounters he had in their old dorms. their leader is tragically left to tend to the grill alone. he deeply regrets not dragging any of the older members with them.

“everyone, i think i just saw __-”

a grimace of cluelessness is plastered on taehyung’s face when jungkook claps once, enthusiastically pointing at him as if he just announced something inspiring and life-changing.

“you’re right, you’re right! that’s it! what i’m kind of trying to say here is…” he pauses, facial muscles relaxing into a gloomy expression. he sniffles and rubs his nose, making it a brighter shade of red. “when we move houses again, i won’t have stories like these to bring with me. the new ghosts will be my memories with ___.”

none of the other two dares to speak after that, the oddly satisfying sound of meat being grilled and the chattering from other tables occupy the uneasy and heavy silence. instead, they begin filling their own shot glasses with pure soju. namjoon is the first one to spill it down his throat, slamming it on the table before dishing out his phone from his pocket. by this time, all of them are already drunk, double vision blurry and speech a little slurred. they gave up on counting the green bottles and cans of beer a long while ago.

“shit, that was a good metaphor. i need to write that down.”

“namjoon-hyung, he’s crying again!”

jungkook’s head slumps on the table with a thud, hot tears escaping down to his temple as he laments. “i miss her so much. why did i have to break up with her the second we got home? why…? am i so impulsive? what do i do if… if she agrees that we- h-how am i supposed to live with myself after that…? i’m never going to love again.”

they shuffle apprehensively on their seats, but still, they tell jungkook what he needs to hear since he won’t remember tonight’s events, anyway.

that’s not going happen. she just needs some more time. i’m sure she’s missing you too. everything will be okay.

but it’s been almost two weeks of radio silence. their flight is in nine days, drawing nearer and nearer as if it’s purposely taunting jungkook. everyone is thinking the same thing, and everyone is afraid to say it out loud.

—

it’s 7am when his work alarm goes off. with a disgruntled noise, a hungover jungkook drowsily drags himself out of bed, eyes still closed as he swings the bedroom door open.

“oing?” he creates a noise of confusion when his arm bumps against an object. he blinks at the brown paper bag hanging on his doorknob, removing one of the handles to peek at its contents.

he buffers for a moment, staring blankly at his belongings safely tucked inside. there’s his black mini bluetooth speaker, tinted lipbalm, wired earphones, bucket hat, facial cleanser, moisturizer, and shampoo. these are everything he left on top of your study desk and in your bathroom. neatly folded on the side is his windbreaker, which he recalls as clear as daylight, how you reveled in its comfort the last time that you were together. the fabric softener you use has replaced his perfume, the cherry scent forming a rain cloud of nostalgia and longing above his head.

if this is a nightmare, he is begging for somebody, anybody, to break into the room and to bring him someplace where hope is not desolate.

his wounded heart, as his namjoon-hyung described, is experiencing an excruciating pain he never even imagined was possible. he now understands, why the broken heart syndrome is a real thing.

he can’t read you. is this your way of ‘reaching out’? have you kicked him out of your house, out of your life? for good?

the dread of losing you forever is gnawing at his insides. nausea almost succeeds in knocking him off his feet. his brain hisses with static. he panics at the disgustingly familiar sensation brewing in his digestive system, sprinting to the bathroom to spill out his guts.

they say that you don’t realize what you have until you lose it. that early morning, jungkook realizes that he’s only a human being after all.

—

“when did i put that there?”

you’re sorting out your dirty laundry after showering when you notice a tissue paper tucked in the front pocket of your denim jeans. you huff out a sigh, ripping it apart into tiny pieces over the trash bin with raging vexation. you will never understand how men thinks that these kind of stupid tricks are supposed to compel you into seeing them anywhere near attractive and desirable in your eyes. if anything, they make you feel unsafe and if your paths cross again, you will run the other way. great. another person in the lecture room to avoid. just fucking great.

at this point, you want to mockingly laugh at your own misery. just when you thought your day couldn’t possibly get worse, it fucking does.

you tuck yourself in bed by midnight, texting a friend about your joint presentation next week, and then rereading your conversation with namjoon from this morning for the nth time. you’ve been hoping it will shine light on the right path to take, because you’re still lost and hurt.

Namjoon:

he’s been devastated since

can’t this be sorted out?

stuff’s just been overwhelming and honestly i’m as anxious as him

i'm not trying to force you into getting back together with him ofc but please talk for closure atleast..

you’re also my friend. i think you need it too..

you scroll a bit further down afterwards, and your heart drops to your stomach when you see the three dots under the contact name ‘my jungkook’. you click on it as it beckons you to, only to allow time to flow like a river with no sea to kiss, idly watching the bubble appear and disappear, appear and disappear. almost everyday, you catch a glimpse of him at the very least, typing a message and never sending it.

the same goes for tonight, it seems.

his silence is torturing you. in the car, in your inbox, in your call history. a person knocks on the door and a part of you foolishly predicts that it’s jungkook not using his copy of the key out of respect.

you succumb to the yearning, heading to your shared media and files that you’ve been actively resisting for the past three weeks… for this exact reason.

you randomly click a video sent by jungkook three months ago.

“i know you’re in class but i’m too excited to show what i got you today!” he beams at the front camera, bunny teeth cutely showing. he picks up the first item from the hotel bed with his free hand. “you already own this book but this one got a different cover, see? it’s hardback? they say it’s a limited edition.”

he eyes it fleetingly, obvious that there is something else he is dying to mention.

“i won’t show it too close. you can look at it when i go home. there’s a little surprise inside.”

he scrunches his nose before teasingly sticking his tongue out.

“and then here we haaave-”

following that, he shows you an adorable fluffy white bunny with red eyes. it occupies more than half the screen, and without a doubt, it is soft and huggable.

“cooky’s new sibling! we found it at a gift shop and hobi-hyung said it looks like me.”

he presses his cheek to the bunny’s. “i accept. we do look alike, but my eyes are so much bigger.”

in the upcoming seconds, the video is muted except for his breathing. he plops down on the bed while ruffling his dark hair, staring at the camera wordlessly, evocative of when you catch him dreamily watching you study while you’re on a videocall.

“i miss you.” he smiles sadly, deep dimples appearing on his cheeks. “don’t forget to text me when you’re on your way home.”

he drops on his back, the firm mattress breaking his fall.

“mmmwah!“ he kisses the camera, and your screen freezes on the final frame.

the silence in the aftermath is defeaning. you tear your glasses off your face, burying your face in the pillows. you arrive at your final decision then and there. you don’t care. you don’t care. you don’t care anymore. you cannot bear to spend more of your days like this. his things that used to live here might be gone, but you look for him everywhere. you look for his car in the parking lot. you look for his hair when you see flowers. you wait for his name to be called in the coffee shop. on your way home, you linger at the playground where you used to usually meet.

because if your relationship with jungkook is truly doomed to fail, you want to watch its foundation collapse on the ground, burnt down to gray and black ashes that disintegrate when you try to grasp them in your hands… with good grace, it’s the only way for you to believe that there’s no more home to come home to.

with a trembling hand, you press the call button and for the very first time, you beg someone to stay.

—

jungkook’s breathing ceases, heartbeat violently racing in his chest. the ‘chimes’ ringtone tickle his ears, his phone vibrating incessantly in his hands. the two features he specifically customized in your contact settings so he will immediately recognize that it’s you who’s calling.

it’s been four days since you dropped off his things. and here he was, laying on his bed and struggling to find the right words to say because he refuses to believe that this is how it ends. the paper bag is still hanging on the doorknob. he hasn’t touched it since the first time. he doesn’t have the courage to do so.

fuck giving you space. he wants drown himself in you and never come up for air. he’s more than willing to suffer your anger or your coldness. he’s prepared to prove himself worthy of a second chance every second of every day. he wants to occupy half of your desk and half of your closet again. he selfishly wishes to be the first and the last person you fall in love with.

but until the very end, you’re the braver one.

“love?” your voice is quiet, barely audible, but it’s there, and he hears the affectionate term of endearment distinctly. “i’m sorry. i tried, i really did, but i couldn’t do it…”

“baby,” he falters breathlessly, half of him in disbelief, convinced that he has officially lost his goddamn mind and delusion is bleeding into reality.

“i tried living without you like you wanted- but i can’t-” you hiccup in between small sobs on the other line. “i love you, jungkook. i can’t live carrying around all this love with me. it’s too heavy…”

exploding and breaking apart, jungkook’s heart is a meteor that has entered the planet’s atmosphere, and he doesn’t know where to begin digging for the fragments so he can piece himself together again.

“we are too young and we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing and i love you too much. you don’t have to protect me… i’ll take my fair share of the responsibility, so just-” he hangs on your every word, and then you pause, your following words eliciting a powerful punch to his gut. “just let me love you and let me learn my lesson the hard way… let’s do that, okay?”

the walls of him room ebbs and flows in like the sea. he rests his forearm over his eyes, his skin gradually dampening with tears. he once promised himself that he would never put you in this position. he should be the one begging for forgiveness, repenting and crawling on his knees. but rather than wasting his time with surfing through another tsunami of self-blame, he reminds himself: i want to be a better man.

“okay, baby. let’s do that, hmm? let’s do that. it’s what i want too.” he coos softly with a hoarse voice. “are you at your apartment?”

you hum in confirmation, sniffling. “come home.”

—

a half-naked jungkook abruptly opens the door to yoongi’s room, wearing gray sweatpants with his left arm awkwardly inserted in one of the black t-shirt’s armhole.

“hyung! can i borrow your car? mine’s getting a check-up.”

yoongi tears his eyes away from the computer, hanging the black headphones on the nape of his neck. he merely shrugs before throwing the car key, and jungkook catches it in one hand with ease.

he sighs in relief, politely bowing his upper body to express his gratitude. “thank you, hyung.”

“what are you doing?!” yoongi half-smiles with fondness, jokingly waving him off. “just go- go. leave!”

—

jungkook nervously stands before your front door, head woozy with anticipation and fear. what if things have changed? what if your relationship never goes back to the way it was?

“oh. you’re back together?”

he whips his head back to find your neighbor arriving home from his part-time job. huh, he just realized that he has never really learned what his name is. the only information he has on him is that his sister owns a bee farm.

“how did you even know?” he asks with knitted eyebrows. “you haven’t been giving out honey again, have you?”

“she only accepted it once.” the stranger puts his arms up in surrender with a roll of his eyes. “and don’t make her cry again, will you? she blasts sad songs late at night.”

and with an unpleasantly forceful shut of the door, jungkook is left alone in the hallway. his jaw clenches as he glares at the next apartment, but he rubs his face to release his frustration before he goes to meet you.

“we need to move in together.” he grumbles to himself as he enters your unit, relocking the door behind him. he removes his sneakers, neatly setting them down beside your pairs of shoes by the doormat.

he pads on the wooden floor with his white toe socks, looking around the dark and quiet living room. a faint orange light is seeping under the gap between the floor and the bedroom door, which he recognizes to be your favorite mode on your multi-colored nightstand lamp. he cautiously cracks the door open, and he is instantly greeted by your curled up figure, peacefully sleeping.

it’s muscle memory when he hangs his backpack on the backrest of your study chair before anything else. he also brought the paper bag you sent, putting it down on the floor.

he squats down infront of you, lightly prying away the phone you’re hugging to your chest and placing the device on the bedside table. the light is shining over your skin, and there are a thousand of photos and videos organized into the most treasured folder in his gallery, but not a single one of them will ever do you justice.

god, he missed you so much. it hasn’t been two years, but the life he had before he met you feels like an extremely distant memory.

he sighs, talking in hopes that he appears in your dreams. “how do you do this? you make it impossible not to love you.”

he unconsciously frowns at the sight of your puffy eyes. never again. never again. never again. he chants inside his head. he plants a kiss on each of your eyelids, taking his time to bask in the feeling of your weight under his lips.

he climbs on the opposite side of the bed, tucking you underneath the blanket before securely holding you from behind with his thigh hanging over yours. the warmth of your body and the scent of your shampoo cures the headache that’s been bothering him the whole day. he drifts off to sleep soon after.

—

the feather-light brushes through the silky locks of his hair pulls him out of his slumber half an hour later. he can make out your silhouette through his half-open eyes, the little-mermaid-like scene feels too vivid for a dream.

“why didn’t you wake me up?” you whine, sulking with a pout.

“i’m sorry.” he answers quietly, sitting up to engulf you in a tight embrace as endless apologies tumble from his tongue. “i’m sorry. i’m sorry that i gave up. i’m sorry that i hurt you. i’m so sorry… are you angry at me?”

“i’m upset.” you admit after a few beats, not seeing the point in sugarcoating it. “it hurts when i remember you saying that. and i understand you but… but i don’t like that you decided alone for us. if you do that again… then it will be over between us.”

he has an arm wrapped around your waist, his other hand firmly holding the back of your head. it’s a little hard to breathe, but it’s so reassuring to feel that he doesn’t want to let you out of his embrace. because you hated it — hated how it felt like letting you go was so easy.

“i regret everything. i’m sorry.” he whispers, concealing his tears by nuzzling his face on your neck. “and you’re not a burden. that’s not true.”

he knows that you mean your every word, so he lifts up his head to gaze directly into your eyes, showing that he is as sincere and true to his.

“from now on, all i’ll think about is what i can do to make you happy and safe without compromising our relationship… i’ll do better. i’ll love you better. i promise that i’ll be stronger for us. i won’t make the same mistake twice.”

you wish jungkook could be kinder to himself, treat himself with the same gentleness that comes so naturally with you. why is it that humans find loving themselves so laborious? why does being have to come with such a curse?

taking glimpses at the past, you should’ve been reminding him of these affirmations everyday.

“you don’t have to be strong all the time. i’m not asking for that.” you shake your head, voicing out yourself in a tone so soothing and illuminating. “i don’t want to go anywhere far away from you so think of yourself, too. i told you before, it’s okay to hold on to me. i’m also strong.”

jungkook feels so safe at home. he doesn’t remember what he was so worried of anymore.

“and you know what? if you really see it that way, then i’m telling you now. i want to waste my time on you. you can’t stop me.” your threatening eyes widen in conviction, provoking a sheepish smile to tug at the corners of his lips. “i always get what i want.”

“and you want me?” he innocently points at himself.

“love you.”

“i love you.” he replies, nosing at your neck before leaving a chaste kiss on your skin. “so much.”

“then put yourself in my shoes.” you hum, combing his hair with your fingers, lightly tugging to initiate eye-contact. “i want to take care of you just like how you want to take care of me. i think we have something rare and beautiful…” you pause, self-conscious about coming across as too needy now that you’re face-to-face, but an epiphany shatters your apprehension with a bow and an arrow.

this is what he needed to hear from you that day.

“so stay with me.”

jungkook’s vision becomes unfocused. he’s speechless; the only sound in the room is the humming of the airconditioner, but it’s almost as if you can hear the gears of his brain working their hardest. the pain that glossed his enchanting doe eyes has been replaced with a devotion you’ve never seen expressed so passionately in them before.

“all the time i own is yours.” he declares, cupping your face, the pad of his thumb daintily stroking your cheek. “all of it. we can do anything you want to do. let me make it up to you.”

“anything?” your face lights up with joy and mischief, and the butterflies in jungkook’s stomach come alive. he wants to make it his life’s mission to make you smile everyday; and that, he will do. “then i want you to kiss me.”

the sultriness of your enticing voice makes him go haywire. it’s been too damn long. he has forgotten what it feels like to kiss you. he slowly inches closer, his lips brushing against your lips before he pulls you in deeper, a fervent display of his yearning and apologies. he swallows the needy moan that escapes you as he slowly lays you down on the mattress, stripping off his shirt and mindlessly tossing it somewhere when you impatiently tug at it with another whimper. you cage his face in your hands, bringing back his lips on yours as if he’s the air that you breathe.

he wants to grieve for all the wasted time because everyday, he craved for this. to be honest, he forgets his name when he’s kissing you. outside, the crowds scream his name for being the best at what he does best, and he happily lives for the euphoria of it all. but in this room, there is only you and him. you communicate using the unspoken language of love with your lips. you bare the soft animal in yourselves with your teeth sinking in the other’s skin. you allow your rawest desires and truths to unravel with a slip of the tongue. he exists beyond his name, becomes an indecipherable enigma even to himself. what is the use of an explanation if there is no meaning anyway? all he knows is that he loves you despite all the reasons, against all the reasons.

he sneaks under your shirt, fingertips teasingly exploring your skin as if he’s drawing a map. he feels you quiver when he finally reaches your chest, gently kneading the soft flesh in his palm. this makes you mewl in pleasure, arching your back as your hand unconsciously curls around his wrist, the cotton fabric separating the two of you. the action electrifies jungkook, makes him lose himself a little more, which he didn’t think was still possible.

“touch me, please- jungkook. need you-” you choke out a desperate whimper, nearly sobbing as you guide his hand between your thighs. you can’t bear to spend another second untouched; the last time you made love feels like an eternity ago. he slips past the waistband of your underwear, the only article of clothing you’re wearing below. but to your disappointment, he gently caresses your hip bone instead of dipping his long fingers into your wetness.

“shh, hold on, baby-” he forces himself to break away from the kiss, swollen and red lips glistening with spit. “baby, look at me. you didn’t drink, right? i don’t want to take advantage.”

you gape at him with your chest heaving up and down, dumbfounded. “how could you even think of that right now?”

his eyes widen in panic, worried that he might’ve offended you. “no, no, no-” his palms skim your thighs, guiding them to wrap around his slim waist. you gasp when he presses up on you and his hard length rubs on your folds, sending jolts of electricity up your spine. a gush of arousal dampens the thin material covering your center.

“i want you so fucking bad that it hurts.” he gingerly wipes away the tears that you didn’t even notice streamed down to your temples. you can’t remember the last time you cried before today, they must’ve gotten tired of asking for your permission. “but you were crying when you called, baby. i had to make sure.”

“oh, my boyfriend is such a gentleman.” you muse dreamily. pepper his face with delicate kisses, lips curving upward with an adoring smile. “look at him enjoying my kisses.”

you playfully squeeze his cheeks together, making his pillowy lips pucker.

“you really wanted to break up with me in this case, huh? you wanted to live without me and my kisses? no way.”

his eyelids flutter open, and he shakes his head as he dips down to kiss you. “it was hell without you…” his teeth captures your bottom lip, nipping at the supple flesh. “going to build a life with you. i’ll build furniture, and they’re going to be ours.”

“good. you better.” your high-pitched giggles bounce off the walls as his lips trail down to your neck, licking a bold stripe over your ticklish spots. “i don’t have the patience for it, but i’ll be your trusty assistant.”

it’s ridiculous, how even the sound of your laughter turns him on even more.

—

jungkook learned that you finished your exams yesterday, having spent majority of the past two weeks pulling all-nighters to prepare for them. you seem to be confident about the results, the way you talked about it without concern. he never once doubted that you’re resolute and persevering, but acing your exams in the middle of a breakup is beyond what he can digest. it must’ve been a grueling experience, he can only imagine.

he presses a sweet kiss to your forehead, and then your lips, before dragging the blanket higher over your naked figure, a thicker one he brought out from the cabinet. poor thing, you fell asleep on his lap while he was drying your hair, incoherently murmuring about how tired you are.

he walks to your study space, fixing the loosening towel wrapped around his waist. one by one, he pulls out the items from the paper bag, returning them to their old places on your desk. he toothily grins at the windbreaker, ecstatic due to his plan on wearing it at work today. he wants to give it back to you smelling like him again.

an index card lands on the ground when he unfolds it, making him peer down in curiosity.

“what’s this?” he mumbles, bending down to pick it up.

jumbled thoughts. a letter shoved at the back of the mailbox. a hesitant confession. a bittersweet reminder that says: a wound does not magically disappear overnight. it requires the proper treatment to heal correctly, and even then, it might still leave a scar.

These are only a few of many. Why is this the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do? I’m usually the more logical one. Was it really so bad that we weren’t going anywhere?

and messily crossed out at the end,

I miss you.

—

taglist in the reblogs! send an ask / dm if you want to be added (or removed) :D

—

#jungkook #jungkook fluff #jungkook drabble #jungkook scenario #jungkook imagine #jungkook one shot #jungkook fic #jungkook fanfic #jungkook x you #jungkook x reader #jungkook au #bts fluff #bts reaction #jungkook angst #jungkook smut

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blueindigo17 · 1 month

Text

hi writeblr!! it's nice to meet you!!

I’ve had this blog for years but never posted anything bc to be honest I was a little afraid of tumblr when I first joined, but recently I decided that since I like talking about my wips so much to my friends/family irl, why not blog about them? I also want to find some writing mutuals, since I like hearing about people’s stories just as much as I like telling them about mine. Feel free to interact, follow, message, etc. I love making friends :D

About me <3

My name is Allie, but I go by Blue or BlueIndigo online. Feel free to use any of those :)

My pronouns are she/her

I’m 19, which also happens to be my favorite number :)

I have five wips, 96 characters (about half of which with a birthday I celebrate like it were my own), and yet very few words actually written (some words plotted though. look at me go!)

I'm kinda in between fandoms at the moment, however I want to start watching Criminal Minds bc I've never seen it and I have a feeling I'm gonna get sucked into the fandom immediately lol

I am a MASSIVE swiftie (favorite album is 1989 TV), and I listen to a lot of 5SOS, Olivia Rodrigo, Conan Gray, and Harry Styles

I love reading !! My favorite author is Taylor Jenkins Reid & favorite books are Malibu Rising, Carrie Soto Is Back, and Daisy Jones & The Six.

I play ukulele, and I've written a handful of songs for one of my wips (more on that later)

I use these emoticons :) :D <3 in practically every sentence

I have a thing where my wip titles have to make good acronyms or I don’t use them. idk why either.

I love talking about my WIPs to the point of annoyance.

Speaking of talking, #blueindigo says things for non-wip related stuff <3

I like to write…

Realistic fiction

Contemporary fiction

Young adult/new adult

Coming of age

Romance

LGBTQ+ characters

Found family

pretty much just people being people :)

More about my wips below !!

My WIPs

Never Have We Ever (NHWE)

Tags: #wip: never have we ever #wip: NHWE

Summary: Liz has the best friends a girl could ask for. Harley, Mikey, and Natasha have been her people since elementary school, and Trevor and Amanda since middle school. Their whole lives, things have been pretty much the same. Same kids in their classes every year. Same streets between the same houses. Same, same, same. At the end of her freshman year of high school, just about when Liz is wondering how much same she could possibly handle, she catches Trevor’s eye as he laughs at someone’s joke, and something deep inside her lights up. Something she doesn’t know what to do with. Something she can't push back down once it comes barreling up to the surface. So much for same. After that, things can’t stop changing. And not just in her own life—her friend group starts pulling apart at the seams. Harley begins withdrawing from everyone with no explanation. Mikey gets in bigger trouble with his dad than ever. Natasha only has a year before she has to move off to college. Amanda accidentally reveals a secret no one was ever meant to know. At least Trevor seems to have gotten off easy. In this collection of short stories, Liz has to wonder if the change of pace she thought she wanted is worth it. Sometimes it’s hard to be brave, and she’s never been the most open to change, but unfortunately, that does not stop it from happening. The only question is: what is she going to do about it?

Genres: short stories, realistic fiction, young adult, coming of age, contemporary Themes: found family, first crushes, dealing with change, growing up, maintaining friendships Characters: Liz Stanton 🩵, Harley Wilson 💚, Mikey Miller 💛, Natasha Knightley 💜, Trevor Marshall ❤️, Amanda Hamilton 🩷

NHWE is my oldest WIP, started on December 16, 2019. It’s been on ice lately, since the plot has gone through so many changes that I haven’t known what to do with it in a while, but one of my goals with posting about it is to warm myself back up to it. I think writing that summary was a good place to start. Wish me luck :D

The Together List (TTL)

Tags: #wip: the together list #wip: TTL

Summary: Audrey is in her first month of college. Within three weeks, she’s moved out of her childhood bedroom and into a room with a window that seems to open on its own and a door that creaks loud enough to wake up the whole floor, she’s stumbled into a friend group that seemed to pull itself together like drawstrings, and she’s gotten a job at an adorable independent milkshake shop with her roommate and one of her new friends. What more could she possibly ask for? The world, it seems. Audrey has a list ten miles long of all the little things she wants college to be. One night, she starts listing them out loud. Her friends—Logan, Lennon, McKinley, Aspen, and Levi—chime in with their own after a moment, and before anyone knows it it’s been three hours and they haven’t stopped. They aren’t even sure whose idea it is, but they start writing it down. Every box on this ridiculously decorated list will be checked off by the end of the year, they swear. Someone makes an Instagram account as a joke, but by the first post it’s become as serious an endeavor as they’ve ever had. They wouldn’t call themselves local celebrities, but they certainly wouldn’t correct you if you did. The thing about fame at this age, even at small amounts, is that it's bound to go to someone's head...

Genres: realistic fiction, young adult fiction, new adult fiction, coming of age, LGBTQ+ fiction Themes: LGBTQ+, friendships, fame, college, becoming an adult, relationships Characters: Audrey Marshall 💙, Logan Levine 🧡, Lennon Adler 💛, McKinley March 💜, Aspen Brady ❤️, Levi Jackson 💚

TTL was created on August 18, 2021. I saw a post on Pinterest of someone's summer bucket list and that sounded like such a fun thing to do with friends that I had to write about it. Two and a half-ish years later, TTL has also gone through many changes, so I'm sort of trying to refresh it now. I'm very excited to see where it takes me!

(Fun fact: the main character, Audrey, is the older sister of Trevor from NHWE!)

The Violet Sisters Club (TVSC)

Tags: #wip: the violet sisters club #wip: TVSC

Summary: The Violet Sisters Club, a world famous all-female pop rock band, is facing a very public lawsuit from a former hotheaded manager over their most recent album. Following the conclusion of their case, lead singer Naomi Tyler, drummer Inez Wilde, guitarist Chrissy Cameron, and bassist Francesca Sheridan escape to the luxurious Overlook Estate, a privately owned rental property on an island off the southern coast of California. Here, they can spend the summer out of the public eye, writing songs they don’t need to worry about releasing and letting the public wonder what they’re up to as they let the tension out of their muscles. With a property twice the size of Alcatraz Island and a beach twice as long, the Overlook offers the band a respite from the go, go, go of touring, the privacy invasion of paparazzi, and the exhaustion of being micromanaged every minute of every day. Four pools, seven hot tubs, the aforementioned private beach, a high tech recording studio (just in case), a few golf carts just to get around the property and a Jeep to get to town. It’s unimaginably expensive, it’s incomprehensibly big, and it’s everything they need. But this escape may not be the relaxing California beach paradise they imagined. Soon, it becomes hard to hide how much the stress of fame was eating away at each of them—emotions run high, patiences run thin, days run long, nights run longer, and the strength of the band is questioned as the girls’ insecurities and anxieties bubble to the surface after a lifetime in the spotlight.

Genres: realistic fiction, contemporary fiction, literary fiction Themes: fame, music, romance, found family, secrets, breakups Characters: Naomi Tyler (lead singer, songwriter) 💜, Inez Wilde (drummer, vocalist, songwriter) 🩷, Chrissy Cameron (guitarist, vocalist, songwriter) 💙, Francesca Sheridan (bassist, vocalist, songwriter) 💚

TVSC was created on February 5, 2023, but the characters have been around almost as long as TTL. Initially, I created the Violet Sisters Club as a fictional band that would exist within The Together List, but at some point I couldn't get the idea of a TVSC-focused novel out of my head. I'm glad I never tried, because some of my favorite ideas I've ever had have gone into TVSC. If I could have one wish, it would be for all of TVSC's songs to be real so I could listen to them without having to write them first.

Now That We Don’t Talk (NTWDT)

Tags: #wip: now that we don’t talk #wip: NTWDT

Summary: There are two important things to know about Hazel Henry and Saiah Bradford. One: They kinda-sorta hate each other after they broke up last year at prom. (The same prom that ended with the school almost burning down and Hazel's twin brother's best friend going to the hospital. Bad memories all around.) Two: Someone on the planning committee for their senior class trip must be out to get them, because when they arrive at the hotel, they find out they’ve been assigned to the same room. This should have been impossible; Saiah requested to be paired with her best friend, Tory, who's going to have some explaining to do later, and Hazel would bet her life on the fact that she requested a room alone. Now, for the next two weeks, they’re both stuck in the same narrow room with its little square bathroom and practically-nonexistent closet. The air conditioner turns on at random times, they seem to be paired together for every single scheduled activity, and perhaps worst of all—their friends all seem to find this situation absolutely hilarious. But it’s just two weeks, right? It’ll be over before they know it, and soon they can both go back to pretending their relationship—and each other—never existed. Right? Right? Happy senior year to them.

Genres: realistic fiction, young adult fiction, contemporary fiction, LGBTQ+ fiction, romance Themes: reconciliation, romance, friendship, forgiveness, guilt, regrets, family, growing up Characters: Hazel Henry 🩷, Nick Henry 💙, Saiah Bradford 💚, Tory Whitehouse 💛

NTWDT was created on October 18, 2023. Hilariously, I came up with the plot after making Hazel and Saiah in the Sims, and I literally couldn't stop thinking about them whenever I wasn't playing. As I do with every character I create, I became obsessed with them, and now here we are. And in case you're wondering, yes, I named it after the Taylor Swift song lol.

Trouble In Paradise (TIP)

Tags: #wip: trouble in paradise #wip: TIP

Summary: Sixteen years ago, Joe Alexander and Ben King drove across the US in the pursuit of Joe's true love. Today, Joe is preparing to move out of his and his ex-wife's house and drive across the country once more, joined by his daughter, Bryce, and his best friend/his daughter's biological father, Ben. It's all familiar—the long stretches of empty fields, collapsing onto a cheap hotel bed for the night, never being able to decide where to stop for food—and yet, Joe has no idea what he's in for. This is a story of two cross-country road trips, and the lives that one woman is able to ruin in between. Joe Alexander and Ben King have both lost their entire worlds to Lilly Alexander. But the ones they’ve gained after her might be—in some weird, unconventional way—a little better.

Genres: realistic fiction, contemporary fiction, adult fiction, literary fiction Themes: reconciliation, moving on, guilt, parenting, cheating, manipulation, mental illness, sexual abuse Characters: Joe Alexander, Ben King, Bryce Alexander, Lilly Alexander

TIP is technically my newest WIP, since I came up with the full plot just last month (February 13, 2024). I've had the vague idea of it for just over a year, but I didn't quite know what to do with it until recently. It's definitely more mature with its topics than my other wips (as you might be able to tell by the themes), but I really like the concept and I've had a lot of fun plotting it so far, even if it's a little out of my comfort zone.

(Fun fact: the original title way back when the characters didn't even have last names was High Infidelity, after the Taylor Swift song, since I thought it was so thematically appropriate.)

···

OKAY I'm pretty sure I have officially run out of things to say. If you made it all the way here, thank you so much for reading! Like I said earlier, feel free to interact any way you like :D

This post is sort of a masterpost for all my wips, but I'm also considering doing posts for each wip separately so I can go into more detail. That'll be later though.

Thanks again for reading, and have a good day/night !!

―BlueIndigo <3

#writeblr intro #writeblr #writing #writers on tumblr #wip intro

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moregraceful · 7 months

Note

1, 4, 11, 18, 22 🧐

ohhhhh thank you 🫡🫡🫡

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

answered here. also i was thinking about that answer more and the experience i know is such a specific experience of protestant churches. all the really loud headasses are like eastern orthodox or evangelical or lds, which is so far out of my wheelhouse and nothing i think i could approach with sensitivity. so it really is a story that has to live in a box on the top shelf of the closet for a while until i find some guy to stick in a medium-sized nondenominational protestant church that hates him in some ways but loves him in others

4) favorite character you’ve written

god i had SUCH a blast with roope and jason in get a read on me. just so much fun writing two guys who don't know how to talk normally. i also love writing other people's experiences of ryan graves. i mean i love writing ryan graves too but i love writing other people experiencing him. oh and kyle criscuolo was fun as hell to write, i miss you bisexual short king

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

god i've been writing since i was a kid so basically everything, but i think the last couple of years i've gotten really good at editing and really good at....idk how to explain it. but here are two really good examples: playoff hockey in summer time (2019) vs get a read on me (2023). on paper, very similar stories of joyful ensemble chaos and morons falling love. however i find playoff hockey unreadable for a number of reasons and while get a read on me still definitely has that new shininess to it, it's also just...idk a cleaner? tighter? fic. playoff hockey is so loose at the seams, there's so much random shit that doesn't need to be in there and doesn't move the plot forward, there's very little said about setting, very little ground work to establish character, all the side characters are basically set pieces, and there is zero internal rhythm or tenor. get a read on me reads as a much tighter work - everything pushes the emotional arc forward, everything serves a purpose, there's a cadence to it, every character has some kind of internality (to me at least) even the ones that are just in the background...like everything that's in that fic is in it because there's a reason for it. when i gave my first draft to beryl and they went 🤨 one of the things i did while editing was go through and ruthlessly kill so many of my darlings. just absolutely hacked the shit out of it. if i loved it but it served no purpose? gone. out. if i wanted to keep it? i had to rewrite it to give it purpose. and the work ended up much cleaner.

so i mean the real answer is: having a good beta lol, but mainly i think my writing is a lot tighter and cleaner now.

18) were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? what were they?

every ghibli movie i have ever seen has influenced how i write rhythm and how i worldbuild i think and not just when i'm writing urban fantasy. i also think the two months i spent in my freshman year of high school reading like 6 different john irving novels did incalculable damage to both my psyche and me as a storyteller. also the number of times i read catch-22 as a teenager probably did some damage too and is probably why i love writing ensemble fic 😩

22) are there any subjects that make you uncomfortable to write?

i can't say i would NEVER write any particular trope or theme because i've made a fool out of myself MANY times saying that and then writing it. winner's room fic hello?? however it is highly unlikely i ever write any stories about dead parents or cancer narratives (or anything that involves terminal illness) because it's too painful on a personal level. also cisswap makes me uncomfortable when i think about writing it, either bc women's hockey players have so little fic that cisswapping them is just a dick move, and cisswapping male hockey players invites my psyche into a place i don't want to be :/

#cage replies #laughingthelaughiest

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daevilhorns-1 · 1 year

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anyways. since we really are approaching four years with this mfer. let me be a little vulnerable for a second. under the cut for long drawn out emo bullshit.

pov: it's january 2019 and the first trailer for lords of chaos just dropped. me , amazed we were finally getting a mayhem movie , and having very little self control , decided to make levi on a complete whim while i was in the shower. i suddenly materialized into my final form. and i literally haven't been able to be stopped since.

levi is my pride and joy fr. he's my comfort muse. i'll never not be in the mindset to write him because he lives in the back of my brain and is constantly crawling around in my ears like a little worm. maybe that's because i specifically created him to appeal to no one but myself. i created him to express my own interests and likes and dislikes , as a muse i can entirely relate to. i've given him so many parts of myself that it's actually ridiculous lmao. ( so if i ever seem a little too protective over my own creation . . . . . )

honestly i didn't ever really expect him to pick up much traction in the rpc. there's nothing entirely "special" about him. he's not supernatural. he doesn't have a deep or traumatic lore. none of the "fun" stuff when it comes to creating a muse. he's just some dude that you'd find outside of a 7/11 at three in the morning waiting for someone to comment on his band tee so he can talk about king diamond for thirty minutes straight. but he quickly became my most successful muse out of the hundred i have / had and someone y'all liked and i'll forever be grateful for that ?? or idk maybe y'all just think he's hot but that's another conversation lol. ( pls don't fc chase. it's fucking weird and insanely belittling to the writer. )

he's gone through a few changes over the years ( shoutout to everyone who's been here since rory was his main fc ) but i like to think he's relatively the same muse i started with. maybe a little less cringey but. he hails satan for the funsies so. cringe has always been a part of his dna. maybe having so few changes made over four years is kind of commendable ?? just means i had a good idea from the start hehe. but i'd love to know from those who have been along for the ride for a while now , how much y'all think he's changed. that'd be interesting.

in conclusion ! i've given my heart to this muse. he's my number one funky little guy. blood sweat and tears have been poured. i now have an entire universe and other muses built around him. i've also been through a lot of bullshit with him that could have easily drove me away ( and almost did. ) i have to remind myself constantly that i did do something original here , and that it's okay for me to pat myself on the back for that sometimes without the fear of coming off a certain way. there wasn't really much of a music based rpc back in 2019. let alone a metal music based rpc. and i've watched it grow so much since then. i think i'm allowed to say there'll never be another levi , and i don't know if i'd still be here if it weren't for you guys. <3 happy almost four year anniversary my favorite little gremlin.

#⁽ 𝖎. ⁾ ✟ . . . 𝙻𝙴𝚅𝙸 𝙷𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚂 𝙻𝙾𝚅𝙴𝙱𝙾𝚃. :͓̽ ooc.

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amberantlers · 1 year

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hello my dear!! 🤗

🥺🤡🛒🎶✨ for the ask meme?

hello~! 😘 lol sorry for the late reply on this. i basically just don't exit during the weekend. i'll be sending some emojis your way soon btw ;) lol

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

after Character A has gone through some shit, Character B confronts them in that simple, soft "are you okay?" and Character A just cracks and falls apart right there and Character B comforts them through it

🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh?

okay so i have this tomuracest oneshot. and just. here:

“I liked…watching you.” “You liked watching yourself get off? Just look in a mirror.”

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

for longer fic ideas, i think i tend to go for the found family trope with that delicious hurt/comfort. oneshots are just angsty. maybe there's porn gfhjk

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately?

depends on my mood. i'll listen to music or i'll put on a really long commentary video on youtube. right now, i haven't been writing very much but the current song i've been putting on loop lately is Runs in the Family by Amanda Palmer

✨ Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it. 😉

just the general compliment to myself that i've improved so much since i first started writing fics. there's a fic that's actually posted that i started in 2017 and haven't updated since 2019 have slowly been working on and i can see the improvement in that fic's progress alone. not to mention all my recent shit. idk. just proud of myself i guess lol

#ask meme #littleredandbigbad

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aijamisespava · 7 months

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My Eurovision Winners Ranked

Up next on my list of super fun content to put out while waiting for more Eurovision 2024 Content is the 2nd place poll decision: My personal winners ranked.

This is a super exciting challenge for me because I will be looking at my personal favorites (from 2009 onward) and then ranking them (which may also be the hardest thing I will do this semester), so consider this my All-Star Fan Contest.

DISCLAIMER: This was put together rather quickly and on a day that wasn't the day I put this post out. So this ranking may be different over time. It's so sporadic that my top 5 changes almost every time I hear the respective songs. HERE WE GO!

15. "You Are The Only One" by Sergey Lazarev/"Sound Of Silence" by Dami Im (🇷🇺 and 🇦🇺 2016) Technically, this is more "UNRANKED" because I have 2 2016 winners that change depending on my mood. That's how this list is kicking off.

14. "Running Scared" by Ell/Nikki (🇦🇿 2011) A divisive entry when it comes to if it deserved to win. I think it did (obviously lol), but I just liked others from other years a little more. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I find this song really beautiful.

13. "Fairytale" by Alexander Rybak (🇳🇴 2009) Wow. I ranked an icon so low, but that just means that Eurovision, for me, improved so much over the past years since I started ranking them. Plus, the iconic level that this song holds alone is astounding.

12. "Undo" by Sanna Nielsen (🇸🇪 2014) Staging wise, the staging really catapulted the song to great heights. But the song is amazing and I always enjoy hearing it. It has kind of a music box opening, which is always something I can get behind. I feel bad for ranking this one so low!

11. "Beautiful Mess" by Kristian Kostov (🇧🇬 2017) This song is so mellow, but great because it's NOT boring! It's really calming and was a really popular song at the time and even personally (was 81st on my Wrapped in 2022 and my mom has this on her playlist).

10. "Arcade" by Duncan Laurence (🇳🇱 2019) Of the actual winners at the contest, this one has to be my favorite of the bunch. It deserves all the accolades, and is the perfect song to be the first Eurovision song to reach 1 billion streams. I respect Duncan so much as a musician and think he deserves all great things with this song.

9. "O Mie" by Aliona Moon (🇲🇩 2013) A beautiful, rather underrated ballad from Moldova took the top spot for me in 2013, and I don't regret putting it up there. The song is so amazing. It's one of the songs where the performance didn't need to do anything for the song as the song is great in and of itself.

8. "Répondez-moi" by Gjon's Tears (🇨🇭 2020) I feel so bad for putting this down in the middle of the pack because I really do like this song! It just shows how much I like these personal winners. And thing is, I think this song would have done well had the contest gone on. Probably not a win, but I could see it getting a similar result as "Tout l'univers" had one year later.

7. "Forever" by Alekseev (Belarus 2018) This is only 1 of 2 NQs I had of all my personal winners. But this is one of my favorites because the ambiance is unique and eerie, but so entrancing. It's something I would love to write something for it, but also love the personal feelings I have when listening to it (if that makes sense?)

6. "Die Together" by Amanda Tenfjord (🇬🇷 2022) My first run through of Eurovision (catching up with all the songs as they came out) brought me an amazing winner to kick it off. I was hooked from the concept of the song and was not disappointed with what we were given!

5. "Crno I Belo" by Kaliopi (🇲🇰 2012) Kaliopi is a total queen for bringing this iconic song to the contest. I love it so much, was so happy when it got put on Spotify in the US that I actually wrote something about it. But from beginning to end it amazes. The pacing is magnificent and everything about it (HIGH NOTE) was absolutely stunning!

4. "We Could Be The Same" by maNga (🇹🇷 2010) I know I know I know. I'm team Turkiyë in the debate. But as someone who loves rock music, this song was perfect for me. In fact, it was one of the first Eurovision songs I had heard that hadn't won!

3. "Aijā" by Sudden Lights (🇱🇻 2023) What haven't I already said about this song? It's such a magical piece from beginning to end. It's so relaxing (and I actually tried listening to it while falling asleep once like an actual lullaby and I was OUT before the song was done!). When I first heard it, it quite literally shot to the top of the rankings and stayed there (despite my runner up's efforts). I also must note that I also listened to the rest of Sudden Lights' discography and was impressed with what I heard!

2. "Rhythm Inside" by Loïc Nottet (🇧🇪 2015) Taking runner up is my personal favorite from one of the most stacked years of Eurovision. This song, while varies away from songs I typically listen to is just so catchy. It also bears an emotional attachment because since hearing this song (and watching the performance), I have become a huge fan of Loïc's post-Eurovision discography, which is also vastly different from his entry.

1. "Tout l'univers" by Gjon's Tears (🇨🇭 2021) I know from when I mentioned my favorites from each country that I pointed out my favorite entry of all time being Switzerland's 2021 entry. A lot of what makes it my all time favorite is the emotional attachment I have towards it. If this song didn't exist, I doubt I would be writing this today.

#esc #eurovision song contest #eurovision

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meimae · 3 years

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Language Learning Through Immersion: One Year Japanese Update

11/03/2021

I did it, you guys! I’ve successfully reached my very first year of Japanese language immersion! I honestly thought that I would have given up by now, but this really has been a fun and ultimately rewarding endeavor.

Studying the language has been at the back of my mind for years since elementary school, I just never really knew how to go about it before, and I always thought that I could learn it in a classroom setting someday. That someday for me was in two elective courses in university, and while those were fun as well, it did not give me the same gains that I have achieved in this past year.

It’s probably easier to quantify learning a language in a classroom setting, especially when going through a program to earn a language degree. Learning through immersion, however, I had to really consider what my goals should be on my own. Eventually, I stumbled upon an article saying that for an English speaker, Japanese was exceptionally difficult to learn and that at least 2,200 hours must be spent with the language to reach a certain level of proficiency. So I said to myself, “well okay internet, if you say so!”, and set that as my long term goal going forward.

Spoiler Alert: I did not hit that goal in my first year. I am not crazy and will never listen to Japanese in my sleep regardless of what Khatzumoto (the creator of All Japanese All the Time) says.

I did, however, hit a total 1,226.65 active immersion hours in my first year, so I guess I’m still a bit nuts. That is 874.96 hours of active listening and 351.69 reading hours. I also did 270.59 hours of passive listening, also known as the time in the very beginning of my immersion where I was using Japanese subtitles (therefore not really concentrating on listening alone). That’s a cumulative 1,497.24 hours spent with Japanese. That’s more than halfway towards my goal!

To further break that down for curious animanga fans out there, that’s 973 episodes from 109 anime, 765 episodes from 33 dramas, 7 movies, and 967 chapters from 107 volumes of manga (21 series). Here’s my anilist and mydramalist to see what I’ve read/watched.

During all this, I was also doing my daily Anki reps and now I have a 530 day SRS streak (includes the time prior starting immersion and only doing RTK and some vocabulary cards) and a total 8,857 sentence cards. I’ve been averaging 406 cards daily (because I’m trying to cure my leeches) and I spend about an hour per day doing reps and learning new cards. I don’t really track my time on Anki, but I do have a set timer that goes off after 1-1:30 hours.

What I haven’t touched upon at all is output. I have not gone out of my way to find a tutor or a language partner. There’s still plenty of input out there to immerse in before I even consider outputting.

Graphs, stats, and more thoughts:

Here's my current card count in my main deck (minus the cards in my new/learning queue and leeches I've been relearning which are in separate decks):

That one day in 2019 where I did not do my cards because I was seriously doubting whether I can actually stick with language learning this time around will forever haunt and inspire me to keep going everyday.

Workflow and Tips

You might be wondering, how do I have a lot of time? I started this whole endeavor in the middle of a pandemic, which eliminated the option of me going to a language school, and a slew of other things I were considering doing last year became impossible (and if anything, very scary to do in a pandemic). All I can say is that, things work out eventually if it is His will, and if I can learn a skill before everything properly settles back down again, then why not?

I wake up at 5 in the morning everyday to either do my Anki reps or read until the time when I need to get up and I listen to compressed audio throughout the day. The biggest tip is to switch the time you spend watching/reading in your native language to your target language instead. Listen to a podcast during your commute, watch an episode during lunch break, read before going to bed, do your Anki reps in the bathroom if you have to.

But, if you’re feeling burnt out, there is no reason for you to not take a break! I have been watching a lot of Among Us streams before bed, and I chat with my friends from time to time. Language learning is not a race.

More Stats

Here are a couple of grids of the kanji characters that I have encountered at least once in my immersion and how well I have answered them in my vocabulary/sentence cards.

It's interesting that after almost 9000 words, I have yet to encounter every single character from the Remembering the Kanji 1 (RTK 1) book by James Heisig, which teaches you the most common use characters that are part of the 常用漢字. Which brings me to the question, was writing down every single character being taught in RTK worth it every time it came up in my reviews for the first 3-ish months I was reviewing them? Maybe, maybe not. It certainly removed my anxiety whenever looking at blocks of text in Japanese, but the longer I think about it, the more I feel I should have switched to Recognition RTK earlier. Still, being able to write in proper stroke order is cool I guess, and it also helps me when looking things up in the dictionary.

Here’s the same grid but in JLPT order:

I clearly need to grind those N2 and N1 level cards! Speaking of which, I have apparently almost covered every single character that could possibly appear in the JLPT (except for the N1 which I have only covered half of) in just a year's time. If the JLPT word frequency lists I’m using are accurate, I have about 2,000 words more to go to to cover most vocabulary that could appear in the test. This makes the "10,000 sentences/words to fluency" argument a reasonable milestone to aim for for Japanese learners if said aim is only to pass the test. That said, 10,000 words is just that, a milestone. It's more akin to a comfortable level of comprehension, but not my own concept of fluency which is being able to read with ease, speak articulately, and write comfortably.

READING IMMERSION GRAPHS

My biggest motivation for tracking my stats is for the purpose of seeing whether my reading speed is improving over time. Reading speed is also easier to measure than listening comprehension which is kind of subjective, so I had a lot of fun making these. What I found is that for the first volume or chapter of whatever it is I’m reading, I always take the time to get used to the writing style of the author. My speed really improves whenever I keep reading the same topic over and over again. On the other hand and quite obviously, looking up many new words in a row and trying to parse sentences slows me down.

Manga: Reading Speed Progression per Volume

I clearly love ちはやふる and I am not ashamed to admit it.

I need to start reading longer manga. When I do, I’ll probably split this graph into less than and greater than 20 volumes. Imagine if I start reading something ridiculously long as 名探偵コナン or ワンピース, these graphs will start breaching the bounds of time and space.

Novels: Time Spent Reading per Chapter

#neverforget the time I read chapter six of Norwegian Wood for 9 hours when it took me less than half that time in English RIP. Also, my interest in Kitchen plummeted LOL. Still planning to finish it don’t worry.

I also need to start branching away from manga and start reading more novels and light novels, too just so I can make more pretty graphs.

Visual Novels: Time Spent Reading and Daily Word Count

Also known as images that clearly show that I’ve already spent several days only reading the prologue of Island. I’m not sweating. 切那 needs to stop using words I don’t know in succession. More thoughts on this VN far into the future.

Thoughts on Immersion

I can’t really say anything else other that that it works for me, and needless to say if you’re considering this method, remember that the SRS is your friend but immersion should be your one true love.

Prior to all this, I couldn’t even read a sample paragraph from Genki without being confused to my very soul. Yes, I know, it’s embarrassing, but that’s the truth. I was way more scared of failing my Japanese classes than my actual thesis for my bachelors degree, I kid you not. I would quite literally spend all my free time in university trying to understand grammar, memorize vocabulary, and answer my workbook exercises with little to no success.

I tried so hard to get all the grammar “formulas” into my head for 1.5 years and it only brought me more confusion. I’m never going back to traditional classroom study for language learning, but I will still refer to grammar books when I need to, and not because I feel like I need to answer 4783342 different workbook exercises like my life depended on it.

I still can’t believe it, but with immersion this statement is actually true to a point, don’t try shadowing anime/or calling your boss anime language slurs, use your common sense:

study anime to understand Japanese > study Japanese to understand anime

Future Goals/Plans

2,200 immersion hours was my initial goal, but honestly I feel like that number could be much higher. There’s still a lot of stuff I don’t understand (news, politics, sciences, etc.), so I’ll make attempts to cover more of those things in my immersion.

I’ll continue reading more, because that’s a natural SRS in itself. Try to read longer manga, more novels, visual novels, and light novels, and maybe news articles.

I’ll try to mine as much “JLPT vocab” as I can before making any attempts at taking the JLPT. I noticed that a lot of the words I know don’t appear in the JLPT word lists as much, even though they appear a lot in media/daily conversation.

Continue mining all words I don’t know because all words are useful anyway. There is no such thing as useless words. I never really understood mining only “interesting words” or words that “pop up” in your immersion. As I said in my previous blog post, 美人局 is an interesting word and I certainly caught it being said in my immersion, but in the three languages I know, I wouldn’t know when I would be able to use such a word, as compared to something like ジャガイモ which is a significantly less interesting word, but is certainly useful to know.

I have managed to talk up a storm, but if you have any questions regarding my process or recommendations for new immersion material, please feel free to send an ask/reply to this post. I love hearing about other people’s language learning/immersion journeys.

See you on my next post!

#language learning #japanese language #language acquisition #study blog #langblr #studyblr #graphs #language immersion #japanese #visual novels #manga #novels #anime #dramas #movies #youtube #podcasts

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soundsof71 · 3 years

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FIVE ALBUMS YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!

aka, My Top 5 of 2020, but I didn’t want to seem too retro!

Yep, I have a classic rock blog. Yep, I think that the best rock and roll in history is being made RIGHT NOW. And yep, ALL of it is being made by women.

(Shown at top, Nova Twins by Ant Adams [x] and The Tissues by Michael Espleta [x]. I was planning to make a collage of all my faves in concert, but not all of them were able to play in 2020. Both of these photos are pre-pandemic.)

There’s been quite a bit of movement on this list, and all five of these have spent some time at Number 1 as the year has done (gestures broadly) All This™. Anyone looking for rock and roll is going to dig any of these.

Rocking out is just the start of it, though. Wrestling with my bipolarity and schizophrenia is tough on a good day, and there haven’t been too many of those lately. The plague has also taken its toll around me, with two family members dead and a third who’s doing better, but will likely never be all the way back. (Mask up, kids!)

I’ve written plenty about how deeply Taylor Swift and Phoebe Bridgers have moved me this year (and will do so again), but in those rare stretches where I’ve had enough spare energy to listen to music at all these days, I’ve mostly been looking for more than beautiful music. Heavy times need heavy lifting, and I find that in heavy music.

The five albums here have all helped carry me, pointing the way toward light.

1) BULLY, SUGAREGG

Alicia Bognanno is a force of nature as a guitarist, vocalist, composer, and producer/engineer. (While working on her degree in audio engineering at MTSU, she interned with Steve Albini, who remains both a fan and an admirer). A Nashville transplant from Minnesota, she’s still a natural fit in her home on Sub Pop: as heavy as Soundgarden, as hooky as Sleater-Kinney.

I was blown away hearing her searing honesty while working through her discoveries of her bisexuality and bipolarity (double bi!), and her triumphant roar lifts me out of my seat every time I listen.

“She sings the hell out of [these songs], her voice fraying to the point of combustion every time she launches to the top of her range. This is phenomenal music for converting anger and anxiety into unbound joy.” ~Stereogum, Album of the Week

Also, check this fantastic interview with Alicia in the New York Times talking about what she’s gone through to get here.

TURN IT UP!

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2) GANSER, LOOK AT THAT SKY

Ganser syndrome is a rare dissociative disorder characterized by nonsensical or wrong answers to questions and other dissociative symptoms such as fugue, amnesia or conversion disorder, often with visual pseudohallucinations and a decreased state of consciousness. ~Wikipedia #it me

‘Just Look At That Sky’ doesn’t presume to offer solutions; it’s an honest document of what it feels like to wade through anxiety, day by day, not a survival guide or handbook of answers none of us actually have. Whether or not you pay attention to this, Ganser are simply one of the most invigorating, exciting new bands. ~Clashmusic

I saw one very positive review compare Ganser to a cross between Fugazi and Sonic Youth, but I think they hit much, much harder than either of those. And as you can surely guess, I also deeply relate to their themes of mental illness and dissociation while trying to make it through All This™. But my god, are they TIGHT. This is a BAND.

Ganser has two fantastic lead vocalists, and on “Bad Form”, bassist/vocalist Alicia Gaines wrote the song for the voice of keyboardist/vocalist Nadia Garofolo. Alicia also wrote a FANTASTIC essay on the strains that making an album during a pandemic puts on the mental health of the entire band at talkhouse: “Writing, recording, reaching out, balancing relationships outside and within the band, I found (and still find) myself under-rested and agitated to no particular end. More than not doing enough, I was not enough.”

(If you can’t relate to that, I can’t relate to you, tbh.)

This video also does a fantastic job of showing dissociation. TURN IT UP!

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3) THE TISSUES, BLUE FILM

“Blue Film” is a ten-song shot of dagger-twisting electro-(s)punk. It’s completely addictive from the very first listen. The tour de force is “Rear Window”, an art-punk masterpiece of slashing guitars and mad caterwauling. Copious doses of jaunty poetics and social commentary reward the earlooker patient enough to untangle Kristine Nevrose’s hysterical meowing about intergalactic salt shakers and hysterectomies, but I’m too emotionally invested to look under the hood.” ~ Sputnik Music

“Rear Window” is in fact my most-played 2020 track. TURN IT UP!

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4) GUM COUNTRY, SOMEWHERE

It’s not all heavy! But even when I’m looking for something light and hooky, I need a bite, and Gum Country has done it with the kind of swirly, feeedback-laden wall of sound that Lush or Yo La Tengo would make if they lived in LA. (Recent transplants to SoCal from Vancouver, I do think that the sunshine has gone straight to their heads, in the very best way.)

Indie music nerds will know guitarist/composer/singer/front woman Courtney Garvin from The Courtneys, and she really does throw up a glorious wall of sound. I adore this video too! Sweet, swinging, fun -- and yes, the drummer is playing keyboard with one hand while slapping the skins with the other!

I mentioned earlier that all five of these albums have spent part of the year at #1 on my list -- I think that this one might have spent the longest stretch there. Like all shoegaze, even as hooky as this, the truth of these songs is revealed in VOLUME. TURN IT UP!

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5) NOVA TWINS, WHO ARE THE GIRLS?

Now, THIS is heavy! Amy Lee (vocals, guitar) and Georgia South (bass) are fucking LOUD, and insanely intense. A mix of grime, hip-hop, metal, punk, and good old rock and roll, they’re a harder-hitting, more theatrical Prodigy, with a pyre of intensity that recalls the heaviest howls of Rage Against The Machine. Indeed, Nova Twins spent a good bit of 2019 playing heavy metal festivals and toured as openers for Prophets of Rage. (Tom Morello has been a fan and supporter from the beginning.)

As you may have noted in the photo at the top of this post, their musical audacity extends to visuals too: they design their own clothes, hair, and makeup, they art direct their own videos, and more. They impress the hell out of me, and I’ve been a huge fan since hearing their first singles in 2018. I’ll plant a flag and say that Georgia South in particular is the most innovative musician on any instrument in any genre right now, but they’re both absolutely monsters.

I’m honestly not at all sure that #5 is high enough for this, but I’m absolutely certain that after this video, you’re gonna need to rest for a little. LOL

“Taxi” is the story of two gleefully and creatively violent women shaking up the local crime syndicate as they use a vintage cab for their moving murder scene. This is the movie that Robert Rodriguez wishes he was making with Sin City, if it were combined with Blade Runner and The Matrix. And gangsters. And a snake.

I’m gonna take your crown I’m gonna, I’m gonna bleed you out We demand it by the hour We devour, control, power

I’m gonna burn it down Even the, even the royals bow

So not the same kind of therapeutic work being explored on this rekkid, but you know what? Fucking shit up is therapeutic too!

Definitely take this full screen, and for the love of fuck, TURN IT UP!

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SO. Not done with the best of 2020 yet? I’m sure not! A lot of my favorite songs aren’t on albums (at least not yet), so for an unedited list of everything I’m finding, check out my Spotify list, 2020: Shuffle This List! 268 songs and counting, over 15 hours, and not finished yet. I’m still checking out everyone else’s Best of lists (including yours! Message me links to yours!!!), so will probably be adding to this for most of 2021, too.

And for more banging tracks by women from 2020, plus a few 2019 gems that I’m still grooving to, check out my more thoroughly curated Spotify playlist Women Bangers: A Tumblr New Classics Jam. (You’ll see a couple of these tracks there!) I’m working on a YouTube playlist and an essay to properly roll that one out. I’m also still tweaking the ending, but the three dozen or so tunes there are definitely bangin’.

Tell me if you hear anything you dig here, and tell me what YOU’VE found! We’re gonna get through this together.

Yr pal, Timmy

#me #new classics #classic rock #women in rock #best of 2020 #bully #ganser #the tissues #gum country #nova twins #essay #youtube #punk rock #punk

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impuretale · 3 years

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Health Update

So the last anyone heard, I was waiting to hear from the government still about disability, and there was finally a good outcome! This and more under the cut.

So if you’re new, then this all started back in Nov 2020 when I at a far too young age had a stroke, caused by a mixture of having been diabetic and undiagnosed for years + the doctors suspect now that I had COVID early last year, as early as late Dec 2019, early Jan 2020 (which makes sense, I get the flu sometimes but at that time I was bedridden for a long time due to uncontrollable vertigo, which had never happened before.

So I was actively having the stroke all day because lol when you don’t have healthcare you hope whatever is wrong is something you can sleep off because it’s that, bankruptcy, or death. So I wake up, think I’m having the worst migraine of my life, sleep, wake up, right arm asleep -- I’m bigger and a side sleeper, so normal, turn over. Next time I’m up, have vertigo, sleep it off, etc. About 4 is when I get up and realize both my right arm and leg are asleep. That’s when 911 gets called.

So thankfully marketplace approved my insurance while I was pretty much enroute to the hospital. Right side is affected. I spend two weeks in the hospital (and I’m fired from my editing job for not being better after a week, btw) but I can’t do most things I would need to be able to do to survive at home on my own, so I spend the next month in a nursing home, which was one of the singlemost traumatizing experiences of my life. Ask me if you want to hear more.

Early January 2021 I return home able to walk with the help of a walker for like,,,a minute, tops. But I’ve been making active plans to change my eating and activity habits, because diabetes, hypertension and a slew of bad readings in my bloodwork (my A1Cs were at 11.6, to give you a snapshot). I have applied for disability by this point, and they tell me that the wait’ll be like 2-5 months. Manwhile can’t work, can’t do anything U used to love like write, draw, typing is hard and I can’t even play most video games.

Fast forward: most of you know I survived and maintained a diet I otherwise wouldn’t have afforded (I lived on like 20 a week before) through donations while waiting for disability.

It took nine months (huge backlog because of COVID) to get approved and part of that was because they weren’t receiving all the records they were supposed to get. A small part but it led to delays. But I am at last approved and safe.

That is not the only news. ALL my bloodwork is better (A1Cs are 4, for comparison) for one. For another, I can draw with a tablet, which followers have seen examples of. All my cognitive problems are mostly solved. I can play video games again -- that’s actually been very good therapy for my hands and brain.

I can stand up long enough to make my meals without being in pain, and I can go for walks now (but I have to take my rollator with me; I have leg neuropathy on top of my other mobility issues). I have goals for things I would like to do to celebrate recovery. Visit the Cincinnati Zoo, for instance.

Finally, I have as of writing this lost 97 lbs. Started at 365 lbs in November 2020 and am down to 268; I am fitting into 26′s for the first time since I was an undergrad and my bra has gone down 8 inches and 3 cup sizes. I don’t overheat as easily, like I used to. My back problems are much more manageable and no longer lay me up once or twice a year.

Mentally, I’m in a really good place too. Evening out chemically has helped to significantly reduce my anxiety and depression, too! So overall, I’m happy to be reporting a lot of good news rather than begging for help.

#health #weight loss #stroke #stroke recovery

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fansofvow · 3 years

Text

Interview with Eve Golden Woods!

Many of you know who is Eve is. She's a writer and artist, a part of Dreamfeel studios whose beautiful game If Found won Best LGBTQ Narrative and Best LGBTQ Indie game at the first ever Gayming Awards presented by EA games. I am really excited I had the chance to ask Eve some questions about herself, her time at Lovestruck and her creative process.

Congratulations on the two Gayming Awards (Best LGBTQ Narrative, Best LGBTQ Indie Game) for "If Found" from your game studio, Dreamfeel. What was the inspiration behind making the game?

If Found... was a game that emerged out of a collaboration between Llaura McGee, the founder of Dreamfeel, and artist Liadh Young. Liadh's background is as a comic artist, and so when they started working together Llaura had the idea of showing off Liadh's art by making a diary game, and using an erasing mechanic she had previously developed to let the player move through the diary in a fun way. By the time I came on board at the start of 2019, the game had already been in development for a while, so in some ways my work on that game was similar to the work I did for Voltage, because it was taking existing characters and concepts and writing a lot of scripts for them. Unlike Voltage, though, my work for Dreamfeel was a lot more collaborative and I had a lot more creative input. I really enjoy taking something and helping to make it the best version of itself that it can possibly be, but I was also really happy that I got to reflect a lot of my own experiences in If Found. Llaura and I both grew up on the west coast of Ireland, and although If Found... isn't autobiographical for either of us, it was definitely really meaningful to be able to tell a story that reflected our own experiences of growing up as queer teens in a similar kind of environment. Since the game came out we've had fans reach out to us and tell us that they also connected to the experiences of the main characters, and as far as I'm concerned, that makes me feel like I achieved everything I wanted to.

You are a writer and a visual artist. Does one come easier to you than the other?

I used to think of art and writing as talents, and I always felt like my art was at a very mediocre level (that's probably still true, lol). So when I was younger I focused a lot more on writing. It was only later that I started genuinely trying to improve as an artist, but when I did, I think I had a much healthier mindset, and approached it as a skill I could learn with patience and effort. Because of that, even though I still have a lot more confidence in my writing, I find art more fun and relaxing, and I don't stress about it as much.

Did you always know you would follow a creative path?

Kind of? Both my parents are artists, and I grew up surrounded by artists and writers, so it was something that was always very familiar and accessible to me. On the other hand, I didn't exactly have a clear idea of how to make it into a career, or what kind of work would be involved. But there's never been a point in my life where I wasn't doing something creative, even if it was only writing fanfiction.

What did your path to working professionally as a writer/artist look like?

I did a creative writing masters in college, but after that I spent years teaching English as a second language. That was really fun and I got to live abroad, but it was so busy and tiring that I didn't have time to do any writing outside of the occasional fanfic. I only started to take art seriously again when I became interested in games and comics as ways of telling stories. I did some critical writing, which led me to speak at a few local events and get involved in zine fairs. That was how I met Llaura, the director and lead of the Dreamfeel studio, and it's also what gave me the confidence to start applying for actual writing jobs.

Is there any work of art, visual or written, that you look to for inspiration?

So many! I try to read and watch as widely as I can, although there are touchstones I always return to, like the works of Ursula Le Guin and Terry Pratchett. Right now I feel very passionate about the actual play podcast Friends at the Table, which manages to combine really thoughtful worldbuilding and storytelling with cool, fun characters and great action scenes. I'm also reading a book called The Memory Police by Youko Ogawa, which has extremely beautiful prose.

Do you have a favorite piece of your own art, whether it is something you’ve drawn, a screenshot of something you’ve written or something else?

My favourite piece of art is usually whatever I finished most recently (I think that's true for a lot of people). Especially with visual art, once a bit of time has gone by you look back on it and start to notice all your mistakes, which is very annoying. But actually I do still really like the first piece of Fiona fanart I did last year. I managed to use some effects to give it a kind of nineties anime quality that I find really fun, and I think it conveys an emotion pretty effectively. That's always one of the hardest things to predict with visual art, whether the different parts will come together to create the exact mood you're looking for.

I also really like the compass I did for Bycatch. Krissy (@xekstrin) was the one who suggested filling it with fingernails, which was such a good, gross idea! As soon as I heard that I knew it was perfect and that I had to try and draw it.

Many people who read this blog know you as a writer for Lovestruck. When you look back on your time there, what stands out in your mind?

Lovestruck was very important to me when I first started because it was my first ongoing, regular, paid writing work. It gave me a lot of confidence and helped me to get into the habit of writing consistently and rapidly, which is a really useful skill to have. I know I was right to leave when I did, though, because I am just brimming with energy to work on my own projects, and channeling that power into something that you can't control will always end up disappointing you. Also, I made a ton of incredible friends, through Lovestruck itself but then even more so through VOW (@vowtogether), and that is more than worth all the difficult parts.

Is there any character that you would have liked a crack at writing?

Oh gosh, what a fun question! There are so many, but one I do sometimes think about is Axia, just because I know there are a bunch of fans who want her route, and because I had fun writing her as a villain in Zain's route. I can see in my head the shadow of a storyline that takes place after Zain's route is over, where she's in prison and trying to understand how she lost the battle with Zain and MC. I think there's, like, a gap there, where you could see her downfall forcing her to reconsider her assumptions about power, and that could build into a very interesting redemption story. But maybe it's for the best I never got to do that, because I would have wanted full creative control over it, and also I think the story in my head is very different to the sexy, in control, menacing version of Axia that her fans enjoy.

Do you have any upcoming projects you can talk about?

Most of my current work is under NDA, but I will say that I'm doing something very exciting with other VOW members that we should be able to talk about soon(ish). Maybe I can even give a little teaser... It's not a game, but it is something you can read, and my part involves cakes, swamps, and a museum.

Do you have a favorite quote or song lyric?

It's a big long, but there's a section from The Dispossessed by Ursula le Guin that has stayed with me ever since I read it:

"For we each of us deserve everything, every luxury that was ever piled in the tombs of the dead kings, and we each of us deserve nothing, not a mouthful of bread in hunger. Have we not eaten while another starved? Will you punish us for that? Will you reward us for the virtue of starving while others ate? No man earns punishment, no man earns reward. Free your mind of the idea of deserving, the idea of earning, and you will begin to be able to think."

It's such a profoundly radical way of imagining the world, so different to everything I was raised with, but whenever I think about it I feel like I can see something very beautiful and powerful that I hope to come closer to understanding some day.

And of course, "Solidarity forever, the union makes us strong."

I was a big fan of the show Inside the Actor’s Studio. Host James Lipton asked every single guest the same 10 concluding questions. I’ve picked 3 of them:

-What is your favorite word?

My favourite word: for sound, I like words you can really roll around on your tongue. Chthonic, alabaster, insinuation. For meaning, I think simple words that encapsulate big concepts have a kind of power to them. We use them so often we forget how big they are, how much weight they really have, but they give us the space to imagine new possibilities. Love. Freedom. Revolution.

-What is your least favorite word?

I've heard that "moist" is a lot of people's least favourite word but it doesn't actually bother me. My least favourite word is probably one where I feel like the sound doesn't match the meaning. One of the Irish words for rain is báisteach, which I feel has a much weightier and more onomatopoeic sound than rain. Rain is just very flat and uninteresting.

-What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Oh, so many! I love history, and I think being a historian/archaeologist would be fascinating. Or something that had a physical component to it, like being a potter or a carpenter. I don't think I'd be any good, but I'd love to take the time to learn.

What would be your advice to anyone who wants to pursue a creative career?

All the work you do matters. Even the failed experiments, the things you hate when they're finished. It all helps to make you better. Also, creative career paths are often really unexpected, so chase any opportunity that seems remotely interesting. Don't work for free for anyone who can afford to pay, but work for yourself and put it somewhere. On a blog, twitter, whatever. You'd be amazed how many people get noticed and get offered opportunities because of something they made in their spare time. You'll probably have to work another job for a long time, so don't be hard on yourself if you're too tired to devote much energy to creative work. Try to make art consistently, but don't feel like that has to mean every day. Don't chase after celebrities. Make friends with your peers.

#vowtogether #vow interview #writing #art #lovestruck #dreamfeel #iffound #gayming #gaming #mod atlas

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dayseternal-blog · 3 years

Note

If you ever finish answering all of yours awaiting asks...

45 questions for you 👀

https://myaekingheart.tumblr.com/post/650107314353897472/fic-writer-ask-game

Lolllll BADLUCKBREBIS, you are so funny.

Inspiration and Reading Asks:

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

It looks like I started writing in 2017. I've been reflecting recently on how there are so many regularly active writers now compared to in 2017-2018. It was the tail-end of some of my fave writer's activity within fandom. Utsus was posting less and less. The Tumblr NaruHina fandom seemed to disappear, a whole community of writers left for other things (matchaball, nekomamoru, magmawrites, cherryjutsu, spyder-m, tenney-shoes, eliphya, among others). 2018 was a very quiet year, but! I avidly read katarinahime and bunnyhoodlum's works! In 2019, quirrrky restarted things with NaruHina Week!

2. How do you spend your time when it comes to fanfiction? Are you primarily a fic reader, writer, or a perfect 50/50 split of both?

Recently I’m primarily a reader!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because there's so many writers now!!!!!!!!

3. Are there any fics that inspired you to write what you do?

Yeah, let’s list them. “A Special Friend” by agitosgirl inspired “Nightdreams. “Medicine” by @grimmjowkurosakidrake inspired “White Lilies. “Torch Song” by @mmmbuttery inspired “About You.” The language in “Unless the World Were to End” by @bunny-hoodlum inspired the language in “That was the plan.” “In Between Drinks” by @peppercornpress inspired “In Between Drinks NH.”

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

“Operation: Bring Home Naruto” by Dragonwannabe - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Complete. Hinata's been assigned the mission of getting Naruto back home safely after his last dangerous assignment. But can she handle the undercover identity as his girlfriend that she’d been given without revealing her true feelings for him?

“The Mission” by Lunawraythe - Rated M, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. It wasn't that Hinata never expected to work with Naruto, just never on a mission quite like this.

“The Loving Type” by @peppercornpresses - Rated M, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. A few years have passed since the Fourth Shinobi War, in which...Rookie Nine steadily advances in rank. Naruto gets engaged. Hinata leaves Konoha. And Kakashi schemes for days.

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

ahhh. I do have quite a few pet peeves. If the fic is Canon-Compliant or Canon-Divergent, I expect Naruto and Hinata to behave like Japanese people. Say what you want, but the Naruto Universe is definitely Japanese in my book. So that means no shoes in the house. Nothing rattles me more than reading Hinata taking her sandals off before climbing into bed. Like, what? she was wearing her outdoor shoes indoors this whole time??

mmm... another pet peeve is when the writer describes Hinata in a kimono, but it sounds like an American Halloween costume, like the slutty version, instead of an actual kimono.

mmm... and the other big pet peeve I have is when it’s Hinata’s first time eating ramen because Naruto is showing her the wonders of ramen. lol. why. how. in what world would a Japanese person make it to their teenage years without ever eating ramen.

I have a bunch of other little pet peeves regarding Japanese culture in fanfics. But in general, it doesn’t stop me from reading the fic if I'm already in the middle of it. I’ll continue reading it and will probably recommend it to other people anyway. If I can tell based on the summary, then it's not for me, and I don't read it. If this makes anyone feel nervous about writing fanfiction, that's not my intention! I would also be happy to be a sensitivity reader if necessary.

6. How do you find new fic to read? Where do you primarily read fanfiction?

I primarily read fanfics on AO3 and ffnet. I find new ones by constantly checking the Hyuuga Hinata/Uzumaki Naruto tag on AO3 or looking into a writer’s favorites list on ffnet.

7. Do you prefer to read short fics or long fics?

Short fics.

8. How often do you reblog/comment on fics that you like?

I reblog pretty often. I don't comment as often as I used to😕 I used to comment on every fic I liked.

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

Uhh?? Idk. I think recently the writing group here is pretty tight, everyone seems to know everyone.

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Naruto fandom and NaruHina.

Fanfiction Writing Asks:

11. How do you come up with your fic titles?

I usually take it from words used in the story or from the prompt.

12. Tell the author your favorite fic title of theirs (not the fic, strictly title). Author: what’s your favorite title you’ve come up with and why?

I think...maybe "Tell Me of Forevers" or "Nightdreams." I like those because they aren't taken word-for-word directly from the story, but touch on a theme in the story.

13. Do you outline your fics? How much of a headache would someone get if they just looked at an outline of yours without reading the fic?

Yes, I outline. They wouldn't get a headache, I think. It's usually just a summary.

14. Do you have a personal word minimum that you hold yourself too? Why or why not?

Nope. I didn't know people do that.

15. Tell the author your favorite fic of theirs. What’s your (the author’s) favorite fic you’ve written?

My favorite fic continues to be "It's No Secret."

16. Do you research for your fics? If so, how deep of a rabbit hole have you gone down by accident when researching?

Yes, I do. I've done historical and folktale research for "Little Samurai." I did area/location research for "Last Chance." I did historical research for "About You." I did fairy tale research for "Catskin." I did a ton of astronomy research for "The Cowherd and the Weaver Girl." And I did lighting research for "Inspo." I go pretty deep.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

I don't. I usually have something else I need to do or I go to bed.

18. Do you have a WIP that you keep telling yourself you’ll eventually get back to, but deep down you know that’s probably a lie?

I actually think I can finish all of mine if I just try.

19. Do you edit your fics after you write them, or do you prefer to just hit post and run (because it’s someone else’s problem now)?

I always edit before posting to AO3. Anything I post directly on Tumblr might not be edited.

20. What’s your favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

Posting!

21. What’s your least favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

Starting a new chapter.

22. Do you take fic requests? If so, for what characters and why?

On occasion. If someone sends me a request, I'll think about writing it. Sometimes I do write and post it, sometimes I leave them in my drafts for a better day.

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

From what I already have posted, probably friends-to-lovers, secret relationship/forbidden love, or high school au. I don't think I have an intentional favorite.

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

Public humiliation / public degradation.

25. Do you listen to music as you write? If possible, link your writing playlist.

No, not usually.

26. What’s your biggest distraction when writing?

Tumblr feed, all the pictures to scroll through mindlessly.

27. Do you like to give your readers some warning of what might be coming or just slap them in the face with content at random?

lol, whatever is fine.

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

Well, pressure to update is not a big deal to me. I do this for fun, so I don't think I unnecessarily pressure myself too much. With negative comments, I don't get too many of those, and I think I do my best to avoid situations where I might get negative feedback.

29. Have you ever written for an exchange or event of some kind? Which one(s)? Did you enjoy it?

Yeah, I like the events. My favorite was NH2020, the year-long one last year. I also enjoyed the Secret Santa last year since @badluckbrebis was my giftee.

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

haha😈

Ecstasy slides through his veins, blooming over his mind, cocooning him in pleasant sensations, cum shooting out in eager twitches against hot, milking flesh.

31. Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers’ reactions to certain ones?

Naruto Uzumaki, always.

32. Copy and paste your top three favorite lines/jokes/sentences you’ve ever written. What fics do they come from?

Top 3 faves in order:

That was the plan: "She shifts in his arms, and cloth and cleavage come pillowing up to his face, and he’s certain that she’s scooped from the same puffy stuff his adolescent daydreams were made of."

Tell Me of Forevers: "What he wouldn’t do to inspire every blush, every smile of hers for an eternity when such moments already only speak “forever” to him."

White Lilies: "Whether at his feet, in his eyes, ears, mind, if not reaching his heart, she never landed anywhere. (It’s okay.)"

I consider "White Lilies" to have my technically best writing, so it was kind of hard to choose just one line from that fic! But I decided that one's my favorite line from the whole story.

33. What do you like writing better: one shots or multi-chapter stuff?

One-shots.

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

A lot of my life experiences are in my writing. Hmm, I think readers probably think I'm...hmm...either empathetic or really perverted?

35. How much has writing fic changed your life?

I spend a lot less time on real-life social media than before.

36. Are there any fics or fandoms you’re embarrassed to have written or been part of?

I'm kind of embarrassed of "Honeymoon at the Hot Springs" lol. It's fine.

37. Give an update on your current WIP - if you don’t have one, give a sneak peek to a title or idea that you have and would like to write.

My current WIP is that A/B/O fic I started for February Smut Month Prompts: Sweet as Candy or Love Bites. I'm going to title it "Sweet As," and it'll be about how Naruto and Hinata become Alpha/Omega mates. It's really kinky, really smutty, and totally what I would want to read.

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

uhh???? a 1?? I've never once thought of my writing process as chaotic. Ahh, then I think of bunnyhoodlum's multiple drafts for the same chapter, and I realize that there exist types of writing processes that I would not be able to handle...

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

My smut.

40. How did you come up with the idea for [x fic]?

41. What’s your most popular fic (with the most notes on tumblr, most hits/kudos on ao3)?

Idk about Tumblr,,, maybe White Lilies got the most attention here. My most popular fic is Nightdreams on AO3.

42. Asker: pick three of the author’s works. Author: rank them 1 (the best) - 3 (the worst) based on whatever criteria you want - this could be something totally random that isn’t quality related (like simply ranking fics based on how many trains appear in them) - have fun!

43. Talk about a positive experience with fanfiction or the fanfiction community that you will always remember.

I will always remember how people congratulated me for finishing White Lilies😭 Also, when peppercornpresses made that FIRST art of my story, I just, I just stared at it all day.

44. Rant about something writing related.

hmmm, I don't feel like ranting about anything. I just recently ranted about my pet peeves above.

45. Fic specific questions - if you have any weird questions about specific works, here’s your shot to ask them!

I did them all! Nice questions.

#anon #*anon*#fic writer ask game #i will send these questions right back at you

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seostudios · 4 years

Text

零 don’t cha

synopsis: who would’ve thought that dating you; the perfect it girl. would be this much trouble? definitely not nakamoto yuta as he decided to become someone more significant to you. was this your average fairy tale or was this a tragedy?

genre: fluff, angst pairings: yuta x fem!reader info: ceo!au, non-idol!au, ceo!yuta, ceo!model!music-producer!nct, rich!au, mentions of proclaimed death, cheating, brother!johnny, assistant!haechan!jungwoo wc: 6.8k

a/n: lol this is NOTHING LIKE WHAT U REQUESTED I’M SO SORRY..... i mean in the beginning it is but it just took a turn and i was writing whatever came to mind... like 2/3 of the story isn’t even a yuta x reader fic it’s jsut about everything else! i hate myself for doing u dirty but i hope u read this! it’s actually good (imo) since i worked awhile on it and it’s one of my longer fics.

She was fierce, elegant, beautiful. An unmatched package for any walking figure. Her person, running a multi-millionaire business by herself. Doing it for who? Her and Suki; the fiery red betta fish, placed on her nightstand. Yuta was just like you. Although Yuta is fierce, charming and quick on his feet, he still manages to be just the opposite around you. Yuta is on the right path, growing his empire little by little. You started as an insufficient secretary for an Electric Power Corporation but, those late nights and overtime paid off as you are now the CEO of your own retail company. Yuta waltzed into your business while he was an errand boy for Moon Taeil, a good friend and business partner of yours. Taeil had been worried about his future and decided he would've let Yuta go under your wing for a couple of weeks.

That brings you here, September 2019. The vibrant hues of autumn settling into the busy streets of Seoul. "Good morning Ms. Seo." The receptionist, Chaewon, greeted with a bubbly smile like any other day. "Yuta is waiting for you in your office," She informed, watching your small strides turn into a jog towards the elevator. When you reached the top floor where your office and meeting rooms were located, "Did you receive John's fax? He told me your father wanted an opinion!" Haechan, your assistant, asked swiftly, sticking to your hip as you stepped out of the conveyor, pushing his glasses up. "Oh, can you tell him to print whatever he sent and meet me for lunch? I heard he's back in the city." He nodded before running back towards his cubicle to make the requested phone call. That's when you were finally able to enter the office. "So... The rumours are true, you did decide to visit." You grin like a Cheshire cat plastered onto your face, you made long strides beside Yuta, who was staring into the traffic abyss below you two. He hummed before turning over to you; "How is my favourite person doing today?" He asked cheerfully before inviting himself to sit on your chair. Dragging yourself yet again, towards Yuta. You stood in front of him before seating yourself on top of the desk. He watched as your posture slumped and brows knit with a childish frown displayed. "Not well," He decided to sit up in his seat, hands combing through his dirty blond locks. "John's back in town, I'm pretty sure he brought Gyunghui." You roll your eyes unknowingly at the mention of your elder brother's proclaimed girlfriend. "I mean, who gets married after dating for 6 months?!" You groan, disappointed in your brother's decisions. Yuta's eyes crinkled at the corners before he threw his head back in laughter. Was this the reason you were so upset? "Y/N they've been friends for 10 years, I think it's safe to say they'll be okay." He responded with a smile. Straightening up, you huff and look the other way, crossing your legs. "Ugh, Whatever..." You look back down at him, "How is Jin Nyun?" Yuta's face fell, 'Can't we go one conversation without mentioning her?' He pondered momentarily before looking up at you with a soft smile, "She's amazing. She went out of town for work," He sighed, "Again." Your brows furrowed for an instant. He seemed upset. Why wouldn't he be? You'd be furious if your lover set off on multiple business trips every week. That's when it hit you, "What is she again? Job?" You question. "She's a photographer." Now that's bullshit. You knew for a fact, she wasn't big enough in the industry to leave on trips on multiple occasions for a photoshoot. "Why?" He asked, and you couldn’t explain the sense of innocence you felt from him, so oblivious to the situation he's in. "N-Nothing just wondered." You stutter out. He observed you quietly but decided to leave it like that. Raising your wrist, you glance towards your watch, "It's nearing noon." You whisper, Yuta looks up, "Plans?" he questioned with a brow raised. You nod "Lunch with Johnny," Smiling you reminisce back to when you and Johnny ruled overtop Seoul, with two successful companies in powerful industries. "I'll walk you out then," Yuta chimed, jumping from his seat, bringing his hand out for you to hold. "Oh! What a gentleman." You giggle, watching his cheeks tint in a shade of red.

⋆

"You sure there isn't going on between you and Yuta?" Your brother asked playfully, watching as Yuta walked you towards the small cafe at the end of the street. "He has a girlfriend, John," Can't a man and woman simply be friends? What's with him? "So?" He shrugs laughing before whining from the sharp pain in his calf where you managed to land a hand kick at. "What? From what I've heard from Taeil and Mark," Mark is Yuta's closest friend. "She's not all she says to be," He brushed it off his shoulder, "Maybe she's just a workaholic?" You suggest, "We both know an amateur photographer like her isn't that busy." The two of you erupt in a fit of knowing laughter. "You're too dangerous, Johnny," You kiss your teeth before being served the lunch you had Johnny order earlier. "But on a serious note, you should find a boyfriend." He makes a disgusted face, looking you up and down. "Before you age, aren't you almost 24?" He questioned, "Yea, but-" "Mom was pregnant with you at 24." He finishes, before receiving a well-deserved step on his big-toe. "What?! I just want what's best for you!" He barked, "You think that's Yuta! He's my friend and not to mention a business partner!" He lifted his hands, trying not to engage in an argument that might have you ignoring him (again) for months. "Alright, I know!" He sucks in his breath, "Lunch is almost over, kiddo. Try getting in that office and doing something extravagant as always." Johnny grabbed your empty plate and stacked them on top of one another, cleaning up as much possible. "You should have dinner with Gyunghui and me tonight? I'm sure you don't have plans." His eyes lit up at the mention of Gyunghui. It almost warmed your heart. "I wish! I gotta help Yuta clean his apartment tonight," Way to go Y/N! You just made the worst excuse possible. Yuta was probably going to be spending his evening kicking back and relaxing without Jin Nyun. Now that you've told Johnny this, you'd have to go through with it. "Oh?" Johnny's face turns into something more sinister. But you laugh it off knowing he's probably thinking of something perverted. "Okay! Gotta go!" "Not so fast," He grabbed the back of your arm, seating you back down, "You pay today." He smiled before grabbing his briefcase and jacket, exiting happily.

You slump into the cushion before grabbing your purse from the inside of your jacket pocket. After you pay, you pull out your phone, dialling Yuta's number. The call didn't even reach the first ring before he picked up, "Hello?" He was first to speak too. Weird. "Hi, It's Y/N-" "I know, we've had each other's numbers for three years now." You chuckle, "Okay... We have plans tonight, my friend." You can hear the evident groan on the other end. "When and where?" He asked. "After I get off around four and your place!" You cheer before silencing, waiting for a response. "Okay, good." He paused for a moment before continuing, "I need to clean this place up anyways, you can help out." He stated. "Perfect." You replied.

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Who would've guessed that your evening is being spent by scrubbing a sink with floral gloves? "You know," You started. "We could've gone out for dinner and hired someone for this," Yuta, who was behind you wiping the kitchen counter. "Yes, but it's unnecessary." He says. You groan, "Can't we watch something on Netflix? This place was already clean when I came in!" You whine, stomping your feet like a child. "No," He simply replied.

"Okay! Let's see what's on Netflix..." You mumble, before looking over to Yuta beside you on the couch. He seemed tense, uninterested. It was odd to see him like this, "Are you okay?" You tediously asked. He murmured something under his breath before sucking it in. "This is weird," He said, "Why are you trying to hang out with me while my girlfriend is out of town? Are you into me or something? I just find it weird!" He finally let out. So this is what has been bothering Yuta. Did he feel uncomfortable with you? He's acting like a completely different person from who he was earlier today at the office. "I'm sorry? I don't know what to say..." You exhale, "We're friends, and friends hang out. Plus, I needed an excuse to get out of dinner with Johnny and Gyunghui." His face fell, a pang of guilt waving over him. Did he seriously think you were trying to get into his pants (He's not wrong)? God, who did he think he was, making such assumptions. "Oh- Fuck. Sorry Y/N. I don't know what got over me." He throws the blanket to the side before leaving the living room towards the bathroom. It wasn't supposed to hurt. I mean, you've always had these hidden feelings for Yuta, but you still treated him like you would to a friend. "Hey, I think I'm just really stressed with Jin Nyun. She's never home." He bellowed, pumping his fists into the air before letting out a stressed groan. "She's really getting under your skin, huh?" You say, "Deeper than I thought." He made his way back beside you. "Let's- Let's just play this movie." He massaged the back of his neck, now focused on the movie displayed on the flat-screen TV.

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"Y/N!" You pull the phone from your ear for a moment. Johnny was exceptionally loud at ten in the morning. He sounded like he had something urgent to tell you. But, you out of everyone had no time to listen to his girl talk, especially when you're in a meeting room with ELLE magazine staff, discussing your new line of clothing and having your collection featured in this month's issue. "You won't believe-" "Johnny! I have a job to do!!" You screech, hearing his apologies moments after. Ending the phone call, you enter the meeting room, "Sorry, where were we?" Assistant editor, Myeong-Ko set this meeting up with you to discuss your fall collection. "Since you've gained an audience over the past five years, we'd like to include you're best fashion pieces on our models and October issue."

Finally, you thought you'd be stuck in that meeting for ages! It's a little past noon, you are positive that Johnny's at home relaxing on his day off, you decide to call him back on your way to your late lunch with Yuta and Taeil. "Hello?" You are greeted by Johnny's panting voice with Gyunghui's giggles heard; not wanting to know what was going on the other end of the phone, you cut to the chase. "Johnny, what'd you want to tell me earlier?" You hear the 'Ou' loud and clear as he remembers and laughs aloud, "Guess who asked Doyoung out at a club in Ilsan?" You wrinkle your forehead, looking up at the sky, thinking. "No clue," "Jin Nyun!" Johnny said. Now, this was a disaster. You thought Jin Nyun had been smart enough to not cheat on her boyfriend with his old drinking mate. Did the news reach Yuta? "Did he tell him?" You asked hesitantly, "No, he told me to tell you to tell him." And with that, big brother Seo ended the call to return to doing god knows what with his wife. That's when you reached the front door of this eatery. Yuta gave you directions to this new Tteokbokki place, a ten-minute walk from the main street. You walked in, recognizing the blond from a mile away, eyes glued to his phone in the corner booth. "Y/N..." He said, standing up and brushing off the crumbs of what seemed like a cookie off his lap. He looked awful, the ache in your heart wondering who caused him such discomfort flamed the anger bubbling in the pit of your stomach. "Hey, hey. What's wrong?" You watch him slumped back into the seat, not bothering to sit in front of him, you went into the seat beside him. No matter how weird it looked, to be seated in a booth beside each other, it looked like he needed someone right now. He wore a Nike sweater with basketball shorts and sneakers. You bring your hand to his cheek to lift it and get a good look at him. A sharp pain filled your body, seeing his tear-stained cheeks. He wasn't okay. Looking all worn out and out of place wasn't Yuta. He was always looking ethereal to everyone else. Why did he look so helpless? "Let's go to my apartment, I live a few minutes away." You whisper, watching him nod softly.

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It's nearing seven in the early hours of the evening. Yuta hasn't left your living room couch since he just had his heartbroken. It seemed to be that Jin Nyun broke up over text with Yuta telling him he wasn't enough to satisfy her needs. He also mentioned her telling him she met someone a couple of months ago and has been seeing him, but didn't she try sleeping with Doyoung? "Yuta, stop sulking over a girl who doesn't even have her priorities straight." You said, closing the freezer door with another tub of green-tea ice cream. "One year." He mumbled, almost incoherent, "I gave up a year of my life to be cheated on for god knows how long!" He barks. You hand Yuta the ice cream, before standing there, thinking. What could cheer him up? "Oh! I know!" You run into your bedroom, walking out with a bowl. "Suki, say hi to Yuta. He's feeling down... Make him happy, please?" You ask the Betta fish in the bowl before placing her on the coffee table in front of Yuta. "Wha-What?" He expressed his amusement from your odd liking towards this redfish. "Say hi to Suki, Yuta!" You cheer before pointing at Suki. "You're kidding me?" You turn to look up at you, with your hands placed on either side of your hips, 'She wasn't kidding' he turns back and hunched over to look into the bowl "Hi Suki."

"Are you still thinking about her?" You ask, nudging Yuta. "Surprisingly, no," He said, staring into the black screen. You raise a brow, curious. "I've been thinking about you." He sighs before looking at Suki, who was moved to the table beside the couch so she could 'get a better look at the movie.' "Oh?" This was interesting. Why would he think of you? Were you that significant to him now? "It's just that, you just took the day off... To take care of me." He mumbles. "It's not that big of a deal, I- you was hurt. Of course, I have to be there for you!" You fiddle with the blanket, "You're really important to me." The now tongue-tied boy's head shot up, turning to look at you. His bewildered face softened in moments before he gathered the courage to reply. "You're really important to me too." You rip the blanket off you, throwing it in Yuta's direction. "It's almost midnight. I think we need to eat dinner before bed." You tell him, making your way into the kitchen. "Before bed?" He asked. "You are spending the night, right?" You asked, stopping in your tracks. "Oh, Are you okay with that?" He asked, getting up and trailing behind you. You throw a quick 'Duh?' towards the boy earning a couple chuckles your way. He sat on the island stool, watching you pull together something some-what edible for you two tonight. "I want to apologize for the other night again, I shouldn't have assumed or acted like that," 'He said that out of the blue.' You though before scrunching up your face before cracking an egg, "I hope you like French toast." You say, dodging the unneeded apology.

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Nakamoto Enterprises. Never thought you'd walk into Yuta's building with a pair of jeans and a sweater. Most of your trips here were business-related, and you often showed up in a suit. "H-Hi Ms.S-Seo!" Yuta's assistant, Jungwoo, said, greeting you. "Hey Jungwoo, is Yuta out of his meeting yet? He promised me tacos," You said, rubbing your belly enthusiastically, earning a couple of giggles from the tall-boy. "Ah! I heard him mumble something about tacos earlier while fixing his dress-shirt." He said, remembering. Just then, you see Yuta walkout, Jungwoo covers his mouth, tilting towards you. "I heard he dyed his hair and got all dolled up for you Y/N, don't mess up." He said before waving goodbye and wandering off towards his associates. "New do?" You said, combing your fingers through Yuta's rosewood locks. "Just for you." He smiles before walking out with you. After his breakup with Jin Nyun, oddly, he's been on top of his game. You'd think you would have to take a week off to help the pain go away. You knew how much he loved her. Now? Now it was like the two of you had this new sort of bond.

What you weren't aware of was that Yuta has a new spot for you in his heart. Somewhere he held dear. Yuta never expected to move on that fast, but he knew you were always there, just waiting to break out and roam freely in his mind. You made his insides twist in a way Jin Nyun couldn't, but something in him knew it was too soon. "Something wrong?" You asked the boy zoning out at the red light, "No, I'm good." He replied, hand gripping the wheel. Although his mind was flooded with innocent, pure thoughts of you. Tonight, something in him wanted to tear you apart in his penthouse. Always chasing after something that didn't want to be chased after, or so he thought. "Can we get ice-cream... I finished the one at home." He contemplates what to do for a minute before answering proudly, "Nope!" He said. He looks so confident but, he almost melted when you called his place home. "Why not?!" "I'm cooking dinner." He replied, now focusing on the road. You huff and sit back in the seat, staring out the window. The beating in your heart, drumming loud in your ears. Is it possible he feels the same? Or is this way of coping without Jin Nyun... If you thought this evening couldn't get any better- you were wrong! Mark and Taeil decided to drop by while you hung around Yuta's suite. The four of you were feasting on the take-out the two boys brought over. Guess Yuta doesn't have to cook. "So, Mark, you're a producer?" You asked before taking a bite, "Yea, Johnny helps out sometimes." Oh? Johnny helping make music? I guess you could see that in a way, he does have a few specialties in the Arts. "Y/N! Congrats on ELLE, by the way!" Taeil interrupted loud and cheerfully. Your eyes crinkle at the sides while you show him a toothy grin. "I'm proud," Yuta said, bringing his hand up to ruffle your hair.

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The winter chill settles in, as the streets were now covered in a thick blanket of white, footsteps and paw prints being crisscross along the sidewalks. You sported a simple city chic black coat pairing it with a white turtleneck long-sleeve sweater dress. You admit, though the layered clothing appeared to keep you all warm to the naked eye, your exposed legs seemed to be coated in goosebumps as you speeded towards the tall building. "No pants?" Haechan asked, handing you a coffee. "My mom's coming in today," You confess, Haechan's facial expression remained still as if he was already aware of your guest. "She's in your office, let me take your coat." You thank the younger boy before skipping into the elevator beside the main lobby. Before you reached the top floor, the lift stopped on the tenth floor. "Taeyong?" You ask, the man wearing a black mask with his suit. "Y/N? Oh my god, hey." Taeyong was a good friend of yours. He even works under you. Though you'd think having a comrade by your side while you are at your job, it had driven you two apart, both of you only meeting during promotional seasons. He was hired as one of your models and editors. Being successful, he often modelled for Taeil and Kun, another business associate of yours. Though losing a friend hurt horribly, you were still happy for Taeyong and his newfound profession. "Oh my god, I forget you're my boss sometimes," He said, removing his mask. "Haven't seen you in weeks." You chuckle softly before speaking, "We need to catch up, I heard you were the model for our ELLE issue, and you are going to star in an advertisement for Kun?" He nodded. "Kun wanted me and someone, named, Ten to star in the advertisement for his new diamond sets." Your mouth goes slightly agape at the mention of the name, immediately squealing to yourself. "Ten?! Ten Lee?!!! I've been begging his agency to have him model for us! How come Kun gets him that quick?!" Taeyong threw his head back slightly before erupting into a fit of laughter. You seriously were jealous, and it entertained the boy. The elevator stops on the 20th floor. "My stop. Good luck getting Ten. I'll tell him your hot. Maybe then he'll consider..." Taeyong joked before waving goodbye. The rest of the ride up was quiet. You made sure to fix the end of your dress before meeting with your mother. Exiting the chute, you made your way to make your mother a quick cup of coffee from the instant coffee machine. It was no macchiato but it'll make do.

"Why are you late?" Your mother questioned once you walked into the room. "I was just getting you coffee," You voiced before walking and taking a seat in front of your desk. Taking files and shoving it out of the way. Handing her the coffee, you finally take a sip on your drink, which was now as cold as the snowfall this season. "So, Mom. What brings you here?" You asked. "Can't I visit my daughter?" She replies, offended. "No, you can't." You scoff, "What do you want?" You interrogate, and that's when you see her shoulders drop as she grips the coffee cup. You knew it. "Listen, sweetheart..." You hum, she continues. "It's ... It's just that you're almost 25! An unmarried chairwoman is humiliating. I don't want Johnny or your father to be ashamed of you, so get your shit together is I give your hand in marriage to another man." Your mother scoffs, the innocent facade fading. Though she had no right to talk to you like that, it felt like a slap in the face. You thought that was the end of it, but no. She had more to get off her chest. "You're friends with Mr.Nakamoto, Mr. Kim, Moon, and that model kid Taeyong. All single. Yet you're still single. Get your shit together, Y/N. I can't always run after you-" "Leave." You were now standing up from the little office chair, pointing towards the door. This was wrong. You shouldn't be disrespectful to someone attempting to fix your own mistakes right? "Farewell then, Goodluck." Unfazed, she exits while you stood in the empty room, the silent room. The only detectable noises were the sound of hurried footsteps, the squeak of doors and the printers from co-workers.

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Saturday nights were known for the shenanigans Yuta, and you pulled. Though tonight, the two of you decided on dressing like sophisticated businesswomen and men, like you weren't already! Come on, you two are multimillionaires. Now, heading to Ryunique, a Fusion restaurant along Gangnam-gu. Today, you squeezed into the most elegant dress in your wardrobe. A black short tulle-skirt lace dress, the double-layered stand-up collar. Especially with your partner in crime who decided on wearing a black satin button-up dress shirt with black pants and his long hair slicked back. You two were the main attraction of the night for sure. "What if we pretended to have American accents?" You joked, exiting the car. "We don't even know English Y/N." The two of you broke into small fits of laughter. "All right, enough jokes. Let's head in." Patting the ends of your dress, you fix the watch on your wrist and tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. "Good evening," The tall man at the front desk immediately greeted, standing up and walking towards you two. "Hello, we've got reservations." He clicks his tongue before grabbing the laptop on the desk and placing it on the counter. "Name?" "Mr. and Mrs.Nakamoto." Okay, maybe you two took it too far, to look like a dirty rich couple coming to shower money on these restaurant folks, but it was all in good fun!

Did wealthy people seriously come here to spend hundreds on Pork Belly, Jowl and Shrimps? Damn right! It was delicious, "Yuta. Give me a bite, please...!!" You beg him. He ordered Beef and Salmon. In other words, tonight's special. "Finish what's on your plate first, Mrs.Nakamoto." He tells you, smiling, before cutting a piece of his Beef and placing it onto your plate. Since when were you so spoilt. By Yuta out of everyone. "I can't believe you made it seem like we were married," You said snickering. "I wasn't going to do that at first, but something about 'Mr. and Mrs. Nakamoto' sounded nice." He plays with the leftover salad on the plate, "It has a nice tone to it, right?" If you weren't in a five-star restaurant, you would've choked, but in attempts to keep your cool at Yuta's shameless behaviour in public, you look up and give a smile. "Mhm! Perfect, we should use it more often!" There you were, fighting fire with fire. "Y/N- You can't just-!?" He stops in the middle of his sentence to fill his mouth with the salad. "Check!" He calls out, as you sit there playing with an olive. You sure do have him wrapped around your finger. Sadly, even Saturdays come to an end. "Shouldn't the guy be walking the girl home?" Yuta asked. "Right? I was thinking that. I guess I'm the man here." Playfully Yuta nudged you. Before pulling you close, his arm envelopes around you. "I'm a man." He assures more to himself than you, "Sure..." Dragging your feet towards Yuta's doorstep, you let out a yawn. "Oh god, I gotta play the man role now." He mumbles before unlocking his front door. "You're sleeping over. Can't have my damsel walk out alone in the dark." He whispers to your half-asleep figure leaning on the doorframe, dozing away.

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Your nose scrunches as your eyes take in every ray of light, and without a doubt, you know you've slept in today. What day was it? Was it still morning or past noon? Where is your phone? Wait, where were you? It took a little adjusting for your tired eyes to realize you were in Yuta's bedroom. Oh, you must have slept over. Looking to your right, you see shirtless Yuta, sprawled across the bed. Hold on. Catching a double-take on what you are looking at... shirtless Yuta... God is on your side today. He turns his head over, an evident smirk displayed. “Like what you see?” He asked, “As if!” You reply, taking the pillow from underneath your head and throwing it at him. “I’m gonna shower, make breakfast will ya?” You request, before marching into his bathroom. ‘What's that smell’ you wonder, skipping into the open kitchen. You’ve always admired the interior of Yuta’s place. Modern yet cozy. “I hope you’re craving egg fried rice.” Yuta said which you happily replied with a hungry growl. “Hungry as a hippo today!” You make your way behind him. You have this urge to back hug him, to wrap your slender arms around his waist, indulging in his scent. “Wh-What are you doing?” Yuta asked. He felt a shock when you wrapped around him, nuzzling yourself into his neck. “I don’t know..” You confess, before it hit you. “Oh my god..! I didn’t even know if you were okay with that! I am such a perv, why’d you go hug him Y/N! Stupid, Stupid, Stupid...” You didn’t realize it there but Yuta turned off the stove when he turned around to grab your wrist from leaving, pulling you back into his embrace. This time he wraps his arms around you, pushing your head into his warm chest. His hand made it’s way to pet your head for a moment before he broke the embrace, the two of you got a glimpse at one another, safe to say he feels the same right? Yuta turns to reach up at the cabinet to serve the two of you. Walking over to his dining table he places the plates while you get some water. “Eat up Mrs.Nakamoto” He chirps, before sitting.

“Yuta I’m gonna wear your sweater!” You shout from his closet, “Mkay!” He replies. Yuta and you decided on skipping work, and spending your Sunday relaxing in his suite. Grabbing his basketball shorts and sweater you tie an extra tight knot on the waist so you didn’t have to hold it whenever you needed to move settings. “Wow, so cute.” He flirts watching you being swallowed by his clothing. “C’mere,” He pats a spot beside him, which you gladly accepted sitting cuddled up beside him. The two of you have still not confronted one another with the fact your feelings were now out in the open. He knew how deeply in-love you were with him, it was getting so hard to hide.. It kind of just, spilt. Yuta only confirmed his by hugging you back. It was more so a silent confession between the two of you. The promise to be with one another till the end of time being hidden somewhere in that heartwarming moment in the kitchen. “So, are we like?” You start, looking up at him to see him nodding with an eye crinkling smile. “Good.” You state, punching the air in victory. He places a kiss on the top of your head. A thank you.

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A year ago, today. You and Nakamoto Yuta came clean about your growing feelings for one another. Now you were happily in love. Work was the same as always. Only a few changes this year had occurred. Johnny, finally becoming a father. Taeyong had been promoted and was now working more flexibly, letting the two of you hang out. Lastly, but not least, you and Yuta. Not a peep from your mother since that day at the office and no word from Jin Nyun either. You've noticed her attempting to rekindle a spark on multiple occurrences, but as foretold, Yuta steered clear. Now you were living happily, right? Wrong.

It’s not everyday that your best friend comes back from the dead. On April 23rd, 2011, 15-year-old, Jaehyun, had been announced dead in a fatal car accident. The car drove off the Banpo Bridge in the middle of the night, which led the authorities to believe he was drunk driving. There was hope he was still out there, but as the years progressed, you lost hope. Jaehyun’s dream was to become a designer. Though you’ve always wanted to become an interior designer, in a way to pay your respects, you’ve followed his desired path. But, to say the least, you learnt to love this path. It’s where you met Yuta and the people you can call your closest. Now, almost ten years later. You receive a call. "Hello?" On the other end of the line, you could hear soft breaths. Feeling a little uneasy, you call Yuta. Who was idling on the couch, silently over to listen to whatever was going on? "Hello? Who is this?" You ask once more. The breathing halts and, you hear a flimsy cough, "Is this Y/N?" You look over to Yuta, who seemed concerned. "Y-Yes." You answer. The man laughs wholeheartedly for a minute too long before a pause. "Who is this?" You asked, "Jung Jae-" "Don't even finish. Is this some sort of cruel joke?! Who are you!?" You were furious. Yuta backs away to watch from a distance, but ready to comfort you if anything. "Who said I was joking? 66-2 Gongpyeong-dong, Jung-gu, Daegu. Thursday night." He finished with a smooching noise at the end of the line. He ends the call, and you adjust your seat on the island stool. "Jaehyun's dead, right?" You mumble to yourself, still audible to an oblivious Yuta. "Baby? Tell me what's on your mind. You know I'm here," He doesn't know Jaehyun. In fact, he has no clue about how you were in the past. The heartbreaks you've had. "Jaehyun." Yuta furrows his brows. Who is Jaehyun? A past lover, perhaps? Hopping off the stool, you make your way towards the master bedroom. Pulling out a duffle bag from underneath the bed. Although this phone call seemed like some sort of sick set-up, you couldn't help it. A small portion of you knew there could be a chance Jaehyun was still alive. 'Johnny and Jaehyun were friends too,' You thought. He must've been informed about his whereabouts if he was alive. Ding. Perfect timing, such an emotional time, being interrupted. Yuta calls you from the door.

"It's Johnny!"

The timing couldn’t be any better. Just in, that your elder brother had gotten a text, similar to the call you received. He ran into the bedroom, seeing you packing. Turning around, you noticed his suitcase in hand. “Did he?” Johnny questioned. How could he believe a mere text from an unknown number? You scoff, “Yea, I got a call, I don’t buy it though. He’s dead.” You fumed. “Then why are you packing?” He interrogated. He’s right, why were you? “I-I-I don’t know! Just- Just get in the car.” You throw the keys of your minivan off the bed towards Johnny, who catches it, happily. “Apparently I don’t exist. What the hell is going on!?” Yuta roared. Stopping your actions, you walk over to the boy standing behind Johnny. “Jung Jaehyun died in a fatal car accident in 2011. Someone is claiming that he’s alive.” You answered, watching his expression change from dumbfounded to intrigued. “Why does his death concern you guys?” He asked. “He is-was, my best friend.” Yuta brings his hand down towards your hand, grabbing to caress it with his finger. He could only imagine how dreadful this might be, “When he died... Did they find his body?” He asked. Cautiously. You suck in your breath in realization. No, they didn’t. Looking up to Johnny with a glint of hope glistening in your eyes. Was he really alive? “Go, I’ll take care of work.” He says after wrapping his arms around you. “Thank you." You whisper before grabbing Johnny and walking out. Yuta sighs, "She forgot her bag." He said to himself.

"We have to catch the next train Daegu." You say to Johnny, driving. "I booked our tickets as soon as I got the text. We board in two hours." Prepared as always. Johnny drives over the highway, lights on full beam. You watched how the bright lights played in the pouring rain. This was going to be the only time. You'd be close to relaxing before the next chain of events. But all your mind wandered to was Yuta. How Yuta was doing was your main concern as of now. You're nowhere near understanding how he must feel right now. "He's fine," Johnny interjected, knowing that face you made. "I hope so. We went from watching Netflix to this." You whisper. "It's Yuta, Y/N. He understands." He assured.

Now, here you were in a small but nicely decorated cafe on the outskirts of Daegu. It was Thursday morning, you weren't meeting potential Jaehyun until later this evening. But to take extra measures, you came by earlier to rent the cafe for the evening. Paying was generous. Johnny mentioned he'd be visiting his friend, and for you to fill him in on what went on tonight. He wasn't being selfish, leaving the work to you. It was more selfless than selfish. Johnny knows how much of a role Jaehyun paid to your life before and after. So leaving your first meeting after ten years to just the two of you was all you could've asked for. "Excuse me! Ms.Seo?" The cafe owner calls for you. "Since your guest won't arrive until later tonight, why don't I make you some brunch?" She offers, "Please? Haven't eaten since last night," You two share a small laugh before she heads off into the kitchen.'You're early.' A shiver ran down your spine as you read the notification. Jheez, couldn't Jaehyun just enter like a human and not some creepy pedophile. Came all the way from Seoul to see you, can't you be normal? 'Come in?' You hit send. Good thing you were meeting on a full stomach, or else you’d be a little over emotional. What’d he look like? Did he still had the shy boy persona? Or has he grown out of it? The questions that flooded your mind were interrupted by the chime of a bell, indicating someone has entered. “Y/N I missed you”

Meanwhile, at Nakamoto Enterprises. "Jaehyun. Jaehyun. Jaehyun. Jaehyun." The name lingered Yuta's mind. Did he know him from somewhere? "Jungwoo!" He shouts for his assistant, who dashes in. "Yes?!" Yuta looks out the bay windows, contemplating his own move. "Jung Jaehyun. Who is he?" He asked, still gazing at the rainy window. "He is one of the three founders of JYX Co. He requested a meeting with you last month, something about investing." Jungwoo said, reading off the tablet in hand. Impossible. If he died, then why? He must've been trying to score a meeting with Yuta after hearing about his relationship with you. But that’s not where he knows Jaehyun from, is it?

Sitting in an empty coffee shop with your proclaimed dead best friend was horrifying but still patched up a hole in that broken heart of yours. “Can’t believe it's you...” You said happily, towards Jaehyun. He grew. Going from the lanky fifteen-year-old to a well built and sophisticated man. After rekindling the friendship, he mentioned what happened that night. "Everything you heard is correct, I drove off the Banpo bridge." He started. "But I was pulled out by this older man by the shore. He took me in and brought me to his place in Daegu." He stops to look up at you. "So, you just decided to start new?" You ask. He nods. "I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to come home. I'm sorry for what I put you through." He apologized. Though a regular person would've been fuming at the fact he just up and left. You were just relieved. "It's okay, Jae. You're here now." You smile, continuing. "I became a designer for you, and frankly, I'm loving it." He laughs, grasping your hand resting on the table. "I know, I've been keeping tabs on you." He confesses. "So, Nakamoto Yuta." He says, watching your cheeks redden. "What about him?" You huff, in a childish manner. "One year? When is he gonna put a damn ring on it?!" He joked, watching you cover your face. "I don't know..." You mumble, "Anyways, Johnny's at Minhyuk's place. Wanna go?"

⋆

"I knew you sounded familiar," Yuta spoke, seeing Jaehyun walk-in with you this afternoon. "Huh?" What was he going on about? "That's the first thing you say when you see me? No 'I miss you'?" Jaehyun mused but laughed aloud when Yuta hands him a strawberry shake. "No, but is that enough?" He threw a wink, "Still remembering my favourite drink too, huh?" Jaehyun said. You stood behind, dumbfounded. "Hold on... You two know each other?" You question amazed. "Oh yea, Yuta was my roommate in uni." Yuta made his was beside you, making sure to give you a tight hug before a kiss, which made Jaehyun and Johnny gag. You sit on the large living room couch, Yuta's arm wrapped around you. Jaehyun on your other side, sharing a bag of chips with you. A film you were definitely not paying attention to playing on the screen, too distracted in your thoughts. Jaehyun was home. You were home in Yuta's arms. The two most important men back in your life. If you heard this was how you'd end up, you wouldn't believe it. The chances of getting together with Nakamoto Yuta. A name with millions of dollars tied to it, and finding your best friend again, Jaehyun, whom you thought was gone forever. Whatever you did in your past life, seriously paid off.

This is my happily ever after.

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