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a-dauntless-daffodil · 8 hours

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early chaggie early morning where vaggie gets a hug

inspired by @sunsetcougar's headcanon idea of vaggie wrapping herself in blankets despite hell's heat for.... reasons :(

Vaggie: "Ugghhgh...." (slouches into kitchen) (wrapped in blankets)

Charlie: "Vaggie!" (singing) "Good moooorning~!"

Vaggie: "Mornin' sweetie... why is it morning..." (bumps into table) (slumps over it) "Fuck. Ow." (oozes into chair)

Charlie: "Aww." (sad pout) "Didn't get much sleep again, huh."

Vaggie: "Nnngh. Didn't."

Charlie: (cringing) "I wasn't, uh, kicking you was I? With the hooves- "

Vaggie: "I'm too short for you to reach."

Charlie: (grinning) "Which means you're just the right size!!!"

Vaggie: "Means I need my weight in additive simulant substances..."

Vaggie: (tries to stand) (BANG)

Vaggie: (slams into table again) "Fuck."

Charlie: "Vaggie!?"

Vaggie: (rubs missing eye) (muttering) "It's fine, 'm fine.... pinche pendejo.. mi ojo... just need coffee."

Charlie: "!! Don't stagger up! I'll make it!"

Vaggie: (slumping face down) (muffled) "m'love you."

Charlie: "Ha!" (laughing too hard) "Oh you- you'd love anyone who made coffee after a bad night's sleep-"

Vaggie: "No. Anyone else I'd just kill for it."

Charlie: (grinning) "Maim them, maybe."

Vaggie: "You have too much faith in morning me."

Charlie: "I love morning you~"

Charlie: "...."

Charlie: (stares around wildly for topic change) "A- anyway, um-" (spies vaggie's blankets) (actually frowns)

Charlie: "Aren't you hot?"

Vaggie: (groggy) (half awake) "Depends if I'm your type, I guess."

Charlie: "My ty- Shit!" (cup she's holding starts boiling) "No I meant-"

Vaggie: (looking up) "Coffee?"

Charlie: "-not that you AREN'T, because I mean really just LOOK at you, I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't w- but- What? Oh."

Charlie: (hands over coffee) "Careful. It's um. Hot."

Vaggie: "Thanks." (carefully not looking at Charlie) (muttering) "Hot just like everything else in hell is..."

Charlie: "THAT'S what I meant!"

Vaggie: "Guess that does make me hot since I'm here too now."

Charlie: "Yes right exactly, the hotness- hell's hotness- you're still not used to it! Not that the eternal searing flames of literal hell is something anyone should necessarily be expected to get used to, aside from me and the other hellborn- though not all of them like it here either, even if the other rings are more varied and sometimes have things like plants and weather- but for you, stuck here in the pride ring, in the purely physical sense I'm wondering because-"

Vaggie: "Charlie."

Charlie: "-it just seems like maybe there's kinda an easy way for you to at least FEEL less hot in the mornings and night? Again only in the purely physical sense, since you never do stop looking-"

Vaggie: "Sweetie."

Charlie: "-yes?"

Vaggie: (smiling) "Low caffeine, low word capacity. Cliff notes?"

Charlie: "Oh, right!" (laughs)

Vaggie: (watches) (remining eye soft)

Charlie: "Um- what's with the wrapping yourself in all those blankets? Normally you wear less than me and still complain about the heat. Feels like I'm missing something."

Vaggie: "Can't have your brilliant brain starving for knowledge can we."

Charlie: "No that's fine- I just want you to be comfortable!"

Vaggie: "Well you're right about the missing part."

Charlie: "I am?" (sits) (leans in) "Ooooh, what Vaggie lore am I missing?"

Vaggie: (snorting) "Vaggie what?"

Charlie: "Lore, but I- I'm not writing any of it down!!!"

Charlie: "...much."

Vaggie: (lifts cup) "I'm getting royalties in coffee so it's fine. Write whatever you want in your diary."

Charlie: "I wanna write what I somehow missed out on while observing you!"

Charlie: (scoots chair closer) (chin in hands) (Staring)

Charlie: "I've been observing a normal amount, to be clear. Juuuust in case last part was kinda alarming or worried you."

Vaggie: "I'm not. It didn't."

Charlie: "Okay! So...?"

Vaggie: "It's not you."

Vaggie: (looks away) (sips coffee)

Vaggie: "More of a... 'me missing something' thing."

Charlie: ".....er."

Charlie: "...you've, um." (clears throat)

Charlie: "You do have something on under the blankets. R-right?"

Vaggie: "Yep. Just like you've still got those red cheek spots under your blush."

Charlie: (covering blush with hands) (stubbornly NOT looking away) "So if your clothes aren't missing- what is?"

Vaggie: "My wings."

Vaggie: (gulps hot coffee and winces)

Charlie: "..."

Charlie: "...do the blankets feel like them?"

Vaggie: "No." (another gulp and wince) "They were heavy."

Charlie: (drooping down onto table) (head on folded arms) "Wings are heavy...?"

Vaggie: "They're alive. They've got, mass and weight to them."

Charlie: "And warmth?"

Vaggie: "And they can hold you. Like when you fold your arms around yourself."

Charlie: "Like a hug."

Vaggie: (awkward) "Sure. Whatever."

Charlie: "So you miss them, and..." (drooping) "Wrapping yourself in blankets is the closest you get to feeling like you have them again."

Vaggie: "It's not even close at all, really." (hollow laugh) "I'll get over it. Don't worry."

Charlie: "Get over it?"

Vaggie: "Like with the heat, it's just another part of hell. It's fine."

Charlie: "Hmm."

Charlie: (gets up)

Charlie: "Can I try?"

Vaggie: (shoulders hunching) "...try what?"

Charlie: "Being a better blanket, since nothing can really be like your wings were."

Vaggie: "...."

Charlie: "I'm princess of hell, so I get to decide what's hell's like. A, a little anyway."

Charlie: (walks around behind vaggie) "And this might be a bit cooler? I know I run hot along with not noticing the whole hellish heat stuff, but- at least you'd still get airflow. And. I'd be heavier than a blanket! I think?"

Charlie: (lean forward to look at vaggie upside down)

Charlie: "So. Hug? Can I?"

Vaggie: ".... you don't have to ask before hugging me."

Charlie: "You used to jump when I did. Or slip off afterwards to hide in some high shadowy corner of a bookshelf for the rest of the day."

Vaggie: "Don't remind me."

Charlie: "It was cute! But I should've just asked. And this is different."

Vaggie: "It's not." (lets blankets fall) "Knock yourself out."

Charlie: (kneeling behind her) "I'll let go whenever you want."

Vaggie: "Charlie. I'm not a glass vase. Relax."

Charlie: "No, you're not glass- you're you, and you're tense." (hands on vaggie's hunched shoulders) (plays with ends of vaggie's still short hair) "This is a hug. Hugs need waaaaay more carefulness than glass vases do-"

Charlie: "Also! We still need a breakfast that isn't coffee."

Vaggie: "Slander." (drinks) "No we don't."

Charlie: "Yes we do but it can wait. If- wow, you really are tense." (starts rubbing vaggie's shoulders) "How did you sleep like this!?"

Vaggie: (slumping) "I didn't."

Charlie: "Well if you DON'T want breakfast right now then that leaves time for hugs! Or say the word and I'll switch to breaking out the toast and jam, or doughnuts- if Razzle and Dazzle didn't find them- or something."

Vaggie: "I'll probably just doze off again, honestly." (groaning) "Feel free to step over me when I start snoring on the kitchen floor..."

Charlie: "I would never leave you there."

Vaggie: "That's true. Would be trip hazard."

Charlie: "That's not why."

Vaggie: "You could totally trip over me. Stub your hoof or something. I'm not THAT small."

Charlie: "That's not why either."

Vaggie: (sips coffee)

Charlie: (pats her shoulders) "Hug time?"

Vaggie: "Mm." (tenses up again)

Charlie: "Is that a 'mmmrgh yes' or a 'mmrrgh no thanks'?"

Vaggie: "I've told you, you don't have to ask."

Charlie: "Is THAT a yes?"

Vaggie: (sighs) "Yes Charlie. You can hug."

Charlie: "Thanks~"

Charlie: (leans in) (gently with the hug, arms around vaggie) (extra carefully with the squeeze)

Charlie: "...how's this?"

Vaggie: "...."

Vaggie: (sets down coffee) (touches charlie's arms) "Can I-"

Charlie: "I'll can let go! It's okay-!"

Vaggie: "No, just. You're fine. Let me rearrange you a bit?"

Charlie: "Oh sure!!! Yes! Whatever you want!!"

Vaggie: "Wings are more, they were more like..."

Vaggie: (shifts Charlie's arms around and leans back into her more)

Vaggie: "...it was more like.."

Charlie: (tries another soft squeeze) (whispering) "Like this?"

Vaggie: "...."

Vaggie: "Yeah." (blinking hard) "It was."

Charlie: "Okay. And that's... okay..?"

Vaggie: "...it's nice."

Charlie: (smiling) "I'm now officially free for wing simulation hugs whenever you want them."

Vaggie: "You gotta sleep sometime, hon."

Charlie: "We share the same giant bed. We can just cuddle!" (butting the back of vaggie's head) "If we can make hell even a little nicer for you, Vaggie, then we should."

Vaggie: "Why both. It's hell for reason."

Charlie: "Because you'll feel better? And that's important?"

Vaggie: "I'm fine with not feel great all the time."

Charlie: "Why though? Vaggie-"

Vaggie: "Builds character."

Charlie: "...Alright." (headbutts again) "Well I'm already quite a character and I like it better when you're feeling better. It makes ME feel better."

Vaggie: “Now that’s definitely important.”

Charlie: “Heh. Just like you.”

Vaggie: (holds charlie's arms as charlie holds her) (doesn't answer)

The Coffee: (slowly cools off while they hug)

-several minutes of hugging later-

Charlie: "...."

Charlie: "How did the wing hugging thing WORK exactly?? You had moth wings, right? Insect wings? I always thought those were pretty stiff- very pretty and fluttery!- but not very bendable. Are some bug wings actually bendy? Or was it more a weird demon thing, like random horns or-"

Charlie: "-Vaggie?"

Vaggie: (slumped) (dozed off on Charlie's shoulder) (breathing softly against crook of charlie's neck)

Charlie: (smiles) "...pretty good hug, huh?"

Vaggie: (snores a little)

Charlie: "Heheh." (smile slipping)

Charlie: "...sorry."

Charlie: (hugs tighter)

Charlie: ".... if I'd just found you sooner, I..."

Cupboard Door: (creaks open)

Charlie: (looks up) (weak smile) "Oh, hey guys- Good breakfast?"

Razzle & Dazzle: (guilty shake off doughnut crumbs)

Charlie: "It's okay. You know she's not much of a morning food person anyway."

Razzle: "Rrr." (flutters into table to peer at vaggie)

Dazzle: (leans back into cupboard)

Charlie: "Oh she's just tired- I'm helping her get some sleep." (actually smiling now) (shifts hind legs) "Um. My hooves might also start falling asleep soon. Maybe you wanna fetch me a pillow or something, please?"

Razzle: (points from vaggie to the floor behind charlie)

Charlie: "Maybe? I think I could shift her into my lap and lean on the cabinets... She feels pretty out of it. One-hundred percent will need a pillow for that though."

Razzle: (flutters off) (pats charlie and vaggie's heads along the way)

Dazzle: (wiggles out of cupboard) (places half an eaten doughnut on table in front of vaggie)

Dazzle: "Ree." (points at doughnut sternly)

Charlie: (giggles) "I'll TRY to get her to eat it when she wakes up. But no promises~"

Dazzle: (huffs) (follows razzle out)

Charlie: "......"

Charlie: (long sigh) (slumps against vaggie)

Charlie: "I'm helping. I can help you- I-" (hides face in vaggie's hair)

Charlie: "...hell can be a happy place too, I promise. I won't let it hurt you again."

....

-somewhere in heaven-

Lute: (sneezes)

Adam: "Go fuck yourself."

Lute: (wiping face with bloodstained sleeve) "Thank you, sir."

Adam: "And take a dunk in the celestial sea or whatever. Extermination was like, months ago- bitch did you even shower?"

Lute: "I did, sir."

Adam: "Went right back into the sinner splattered outfit?"

Lute: "Yes sir."

Adam: "That's gross as fuck." (grinning) "Hardcore. Give me SKIN, bitch!"

Lute: (smirks) (high fives)

Adam: "Even Vagina never went that hard- even when she was fucking you over in kill counts and shit."

Lute: (not smiling anymore) "She was the only one, sir."

Adam: (not listening) "No style! She was boring as FUCK with that lame spear. Stab kill. Stab kill. One hit, no misses, no flying limbs. No fucking CHASES to get the sinner shits really screaming! Just didn't know how to let loose and have FUN with it!"

Lute: "No, sir. And now we know why."

Adam: "Pretty pathetic for one of my girls." (sighs) "Aw whatever. Women, am I right?"

Lute: "She was a filthy traitor."

Adam: "Yeah, pretty much all of you are." (picks at mask teeth) "Lucifer barely counts as a dude either, like, dudes weren't a THING when creation jerked him out. Wanna know why?"

Lute: "You were the f-"

Adam: "CAUSE IM THE FIRST MAN, BABY!"

Lute: "The original-"

Adam: "THE ORIGINAL DICK Father of all winners EVER! And of all those lame-ass losers down in hell, not that they fucking show any respect-"

Lute: "And she will be the last Exorcist ever to betray you."

Adam: "Eh. We'll see I guess. Bet she's fucking regretting it either way, huh?" (grinning) "Probably SEEING the error of her ways.."

Lute: "Realizing she made one hell of a choice."

Adam: "Wishing she hadn't fucking WINGED IT that one time, HA!"

Lute: "We clipped those thoughts pretty quick."

Adam: (slaps lute on back) "That was fucking great. I've got her agonized "oh" face from the wing ripping part as a screen saver- but don't fucking tell Sera that, the saintly seraph virtue prude of a bitch."

Lute: "Never." (smiles) (fingers her sword) "...And thank you, sir."

Adam: "Sword still got some of her blood on it?"

Lute: "Maybe."

Adam: "Now THAT'S gross. Love it."

#hazbin hotel #charlie morningstar #vaggie #chaggie #lute hazbin hotel #adam hazbin hotel #incorrect quotes #fluff #slight angst but mostly fluff #charlie is good at hugs #charlie loves hugs and knows how powerful they can be- if done RIGHT #vaggie really really needed this one #lute and adam have no idea how badly they fucked up

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fhatbhabiee · 3 days

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Like Real People Do

Din Djarin x Reader

word count: 600

warnings: light smut, fluff, happy ending

note: inspired by the song that's been stuck in my head for the past month- Like Real People Do by Hozier. also i'd like to dedicate this to my beautiful friend @beskarandblasters 💕

He was so perfect. The small gestures he'd make, the way he protects you when you go out into town, the beautiful words he'd whisper to you when you're in bed together - but you still haven't seen his face. Ever since you both settled down, all you ever wanted was to see his face. Touch his cheeks, kiss the tip of his nose when he wakes up in the mornings, and most importantly kiss him.

You'd kiss the coolness of his helmet, right where his cheeks would be but that's about it. You wanted more. You wanted to press your lips against his- feel his tongue explore your mouth while you tangled your fingers in his hair - if he even has hair. You still didn't know if he did. You never bugged him about it, knowing what it meant if he took his helmet off, but you didn't understand. He loves you right? Why can't he show you the man under the helmet?

One night you got the courage to ask.

It was a rather hot night - he was laying behind you with his arm wrapped around your waist, fingers slipping in and out of your wet cunt as your moans filled the room. Denying yourself the orgasm he had been building up for the last 20 minutes, you pulled his hand away and straddled his waist.

“Kiss me.”

“Cyar’ika…”

“Din please.” you whined. “I wanna feel your lips against mine.”

“I can't.”

You let out a small frustrating sigh and got off his lap, quickly slipping your pajama shorts back on and walked out of the bedroom. You walked into the kitchen and poured yourself a glass of cold water before chugging it all in one sitting.

Was it such a bad thing that all you wanted to do was kiss him?

Was it such a bad thing to want to kiss your partner?

You heard his heavy footsteps making their way to the kitchen, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“Can we talk?” he muttered, the sound of his voice through the modulator made you wanna throw something but you gave him a quick nod. “Can you look at me?” you crossed your arms over your chest and faced him.

The look on your face broke his heart. You looked a bit mad but more sad than anything.

“I've known this way my entire life. Not letting anyone see my face- not taking the helmet off unless I was alone.”

“Din you don't get it. I don't care that you keep it on - I respect what you believe in. But I'm tired of kissing beskar, I want to kiss like real people do.”

He let out a small sigh and walked away. You felt the tears building up but all of a sudden the light in the kitchen went out.

“Great.” you muttered, making your way to the light switch only to feel someone grab your hand. You knew it was Din, the calluses on his hand gave it away. That and no one else lived in the house.

He gently pulled you back into the kitchen, picking you up by the waist and setting you down on the counter.

“Din-” he cut you off by placing his lips against yours. You melted into his touch, placing your hands on his cheeks and smiling at the patchy beard you felt underneath your fingertips. You felt the tip of his nose pressed up against your cheekbone, mind wandering at what miracles he could work with that thing.

He pulled away slightly, resting his forehead on yours. “Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum…”

beta'd: @clawdee & @iron-strangers <3

divider: @saradika-graphics

Masterlist

#din djarin x reader #din djarin #the mandalorian #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian x you #tw smut #star wars fanfiction #pedro pascal characters

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lychello · 2 days

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Headcannons on Dean Winchester falling for a male hunter reader, and how he would go about asking reader out?

-🪿

romance headcanons | d. winchester

pairing : dean winchester x hunter male reader

wc : approximately 450

a/n : hi i actually get so underwhelmed when people don't mention mentally ill character's mental illnesses in headcanons and especially when it comes to love so i'll take this question into my own hands to add some headcanons about it myself :3

content warnings : referenced trauma, dean's mental illness, anxious avoidant attachment, self sacrifice

at first dean doesn't comprehend that he likes you in a romantic way. sure, he's been comfortable around you for however long it's been since he developed feelings for you — but he doesn't process that it's romantic love.

in the first stages of crushing he finds himself gradually becoming weirder around you — his jokes start to get messy, his appearance becomes well thought out, and he reacts a lot more strongly to any of your joking flirts.

for months on end, after he realizes, he constantly acts hot and cold when talking to you. if you made him feel too much the first day, he'd distance himself the second subconsciously; then he'd return a day later because he misses the sound of your voice, or your random informal mannerisms he'd began to pick up on himself.

that doesn't mean he doesn't try to make it up to you. he always makes sure that you're okay, fed, happy; far more than anyone else he feels comfortable around.

a lot of the time when dean thinks about you, it's an overwhelming trip — most of the time ending up as a self sabotage attempt to save you from everything the world has already ripped away from him — "you can't get close to anyone because everyone you love is always lost" that's his mentality, even for hunters like yourself.

when it comes to dean being in love, it's not an easy trip. it takes a lot for dean to actually feel the emotion that is love; and when he does, it's full forward, but it is a gradual process for him.

after he comprehends that he should in fact ask you out, you'd find him reciting lines into his mirror over and over again, trying to perfect any line that comes across as blunt, discouraging, or even a turn off.

when it is time for him to actually confess his love, he can't really do it; at least not directly. he's been in denial about it for so long that he knows to say it directly is to ruin everything. he doesn't want to ruin the friendship you already have so he waits... and he waits... and he waits again...

eventually you notice and realize you're going to have to come forward yourself.

you do, and for sure he's excited. moreover he doesn't believe you at first, but you welcome him with open arms into vulnerability and he takes every chance at it, even if it is hesitant. because you love him —and he loves you more than you could ever live (or die) to understand.

#male reader #dean winchester x you #x male reader #supernatural #spn #dean winchester #dean winchester x male reader #headcanons #hc #romance #angst #hurt/comfort #lgbtq #bisexual #gay #queer

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thefallennightmare · 3 hours

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Can you please write something about Noah being with someone a bit older. Maybe reader is a little nervous to tell him how old she is (5-6yrs older) because there's always that assumption that men prefer younger women. Maybe she mother hens the band, just a personality trait..which means she treats him like a king ❤️

@thescarlettvvitch @mitchhbitch @missduffsblog @hayleylatour @sleepyomens @loeytuan98 @artificialbreezy @marvelousmal @bngurngheart @lma1986 @dsireland86 @wild-child-7747 @calleyx13 @illmakeyousaywow @jaded-and-hollow-souls @exitwoundsx @shayzillaaaa @lookwhatitcost @badomensls @princesspeach-00 @burning-outx @shadowseve @collective-heartbreak @klutzy-kay24 @sorrowsofsilence @sweetlittlekitsune @shilohrosechicken @itsafullmoon @toospooktocute @niicoleleigh @thatchickwiththecamera @hoe-for-daddywise @whenthesummerdies @cookiesupplier @concreteemo @thisbicc @sammyjoeee @pathion @flowery-mess @tashka

"Did you guys get enough food?" You asked the large group sitting at your dining room table.

You had spent all day in the kitchen, making a home-cooked meal for everyone.

Matt nodded while carrying a full plate and a Dr. Pepper. "We did. Thank you, Y/N. Why don't you get something to eat?"

You waved him off. "I will once everyone else is settled. Does anyone need anything while I'm up?"

Noah, who was busy filling up a plate, set it down to place his hands on your shoulders and led you towards the table.

"Angel, you've been taking care of everyone all day, sit down and eat," he gently forced you into the seat with a kiss to the head.

It was true.

It was the day before you all left for the new Bad Omens tour and being one of the older ones of the group, you spent the day making sure everyone was fed and had everything they needed.

When you and Noah started dating almost three years ago, the age difference between the two of you scared you at first.

Five years.

You thought he'd want someone his age, maybe a year or two younger.

But Noah always had been mature for his age and when you had a lot of the shared interests, age didn't matter to him.

He absolutely loved the way you took care of everyone in the large group of friends.

"Thank you," you smiled at him as he set down a plate in front of you.

"Eat," he motioned while sitting next to you.

As all of you ate, you felt yourself starting to relax until Folio's fork dropped on his plate, the loud noise echoing in the room.

"I forgot to pack my socks!" He groaned while running a hand down his face.

Instincts began to kick in but before you could offer to run to the store, Noah's hand rested on your knee. "It's fine, angel. He can figure it out."

You nodded. "I know. I can't help it."

He leaned over to lay a kiss on your lips. "And that's what I love about you."

#tina talks #thefallennightmare #noah sebastian #noah sebastian headcannons #bad omens #bad omens headcannons

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royaltozaki · 15 hours

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could you love me while i hate myself?

synopsis: y/n, nayeon, momo, and sana are in a polyamorous relationship. momo walks in on y/n self-harming for the first time in 7 months. they all try and talk and work through this together.

warnings: we got depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm (cutting), blood, sexual references, cursing - also this is poly!namosa if ur not into that but i love getting comfort from everyone i love so

w/c: 6.9k

a/n: sooo i wrote this in a day bcs im utilising my #depression as inspiration and lwk we love writing as a coping mechanism - i’m so fine tho i just need my meds to start working again LMAO and they will vvvv soon trust - but in the meantime i can pump out the sad stuff hehe! lwk forgot abt boo and dobby until like halfway thru writing this IM SO SORRY #fakefan and i wasn't bothered to write them back in so they js don't exist here oops!

⸸

fuck. fuck fuck fuck. the thoughts were coming. you wake up hazily, dream forgotten, arms wrapped around nayeon, legs entangled with the three people you loved most in the world. you don't deserve them. shut up!

you shut your eyes, trying to will away the thoughts. they were always there, always in the back of your head, always nagging, telling you that you didn't deserve to live, that you were a worthless piece of flesh born only to cause others suffering, or born with no purpose at all. there's no point to it all. just die. they'd be better off without you. they'd be happier without you.

you feel tears prick the corners of your eyes. it was so loud. you needed them to be quiet. to return to the depths of your mind. you curl in closer to nayeon, trying to breathe in the scent of her to distract you, feeling sana's breath on your hand, listening to momo's soft snores, they were the only thing grounding you. they pity you. that's why they've stuck around for so long. they know if they left you you'd break. they don't love you. it's pity. they'd be happier together. just the three of them. they didn't need you. you needed them. you were a burden to them. you need to leave so they can be happy. you want the best for them don't you? SHUT UP.

you couldn't take it anymore, you slowly unwrap yourself from your girlfriends. slipping your arms from around nayeon's waist and pulling your legs away from the mess of limbs. you look back at them, sleeping peacefully, watch their chests rise up and down with each breath, it's bittersweet. you had so much love for them. you turn around again and slip out the door, closing it softly behind you.

you pad softly towards the bathroom, entering it quietly and sighing, looking at yourself in the mirror. dark circles under red eyes, messy hair, disgusting. look at you. how could anyone love you? the thoughts were louder in the bathroom. almost echoing off crisp white walls. your grip on the sink tightens, you tear your gaze away from the mirror, letting your tears fall into the sink silently. why did i have be born like this? born like this? honey you're not different. everyone else is able to cope fine with trauma, with all the shit that happens in the world. you're just weak. weak, crying little bitch who can't deal with a couple sad emotions. don't think you're special. you're not. why can't i feel normal? you're not normal. you never will be. you'll always be that weird kid on the playground that no one wants to play with. grow up and get used to it already. why won't you leave me alone? i can't leave you alone. i am you. you are me. we're stuck together.

your head's splitting, you don't even realise you're crouched in on yourself now. hands gripping your head, nails digging into your scalp, anything to try and stop thinking. you wish you could just go back to sleep. sleep was easy. you didn't have to think when you were asleep.

that's right. sleep. sleep forever. run away from your problems. that's all you'll ever be good at right? running away. you ran away from your parents when they found out you were dating not one, not two, but three girls! whore! you left your brother and sister with them. they probably got the brunt of their anger. or maybe not. maybe they hate you too for being a fucking disappointment. it doesn't matter. they don't care about you. you left them. now leave your girlfriends. it'll be easier. leave. leave. run. do it.

your lip is trapped between your teeth. you're biting down so hard it draws blood. you're rocking yourself on the floor of the bathroom. pathetic. all you do is cry. grow up already. you can't take it. it was too much. you needed- needed-

you're reaching for the loose tile you know is second from the towel rack, opening it and finding your stash of emergency goods. you had meant to throw it away you just kept avoiding it and now... well you needed it now.

you take out a scalpel, go into the old routine of cleaning it down with an alcohol wipe, the motions that are familiar to you helping you drown out the thoughts already. they're still there though. they were always there. you'd be lonely without us wouldn't you? you actually enjoy being mentally ill don't you? take some sort of sick pleasure in it? is it comforting? it's easy to fall back into old habits isn't it?

once it's clean, you can see clearly again. you remove your pants, spreading your legs and look down at the scars that decorate the insides of your thighs. you take a breath, clearing your head as best you can, and bring the tip of the scalpel to start a new line.

the immediate relief when the blade enters your skin and you watch the scarlet liquid pour out of you is incredible. you're like an addict, drinking in the pain and using it to clear your mind. suddenly, the only sound you hear is the quiet of the bathroom and your own shallow breathing. you've never felt more at peace.

but it's only temporary. like everything is only temporary. seriously? this again? is this the best you can do to try and get rid of me? we talked about this you idiot. you're never getting rid of me. because we're the same. you just made yourself even uglier. congrats. good luck getting your girlfriends to ever touch you again after they see those.

fucking hell. you can't help it when your hands move to the start again, just under the new line you've created. you're about to push in again when you hear a gasp.

you look up in alarm, bloody scalpel in your hand, fresh cut on your thigh.

"m-momo."

"y/n- what-"

"it's not what it looks like i swear- fuck- oh my god- mo- please-" you're scrambling, trying to pull up your pants and cover yourself, dropping the scalpel onto the floor with a clang.

she's on you in seconds.

"no no sweetie it's okay i'm not- it's okay it's okay-" she's pulling you into a hug, and you start sobbing.

you're burrowing your head into her neck, sniffling and crying, she wasn't meant to find out. they were never meant to find out. now you've done it. good luck keeping them now. no way they're going to stay with you after this. better breathe her in while you can because she won't be yours in the morning.

you're squeezing her tight, crying and blabbering into her and she lets you. hushing and brushing through your hair, pressing light kisses along your forehead.

when she starts to pull away you panic, shaking your head against her, terrified she's leaving you and this is it.

"no sweetie i'm not going anywhere. i promise. we just gotta clean you up okay?"

she pulls away from you gently, opening the cabinets next to the sink to grab the first aid kit and comes down to sit next to you.

you're sobs have ceded but you can't bear to look at her, staring down at the ugly scars on your legs.

"can i?" momo makes a gesture towards your legs and you shrug, moving closer to her so she can work.

she's quiet when she cleans the wound, focused.

you idiot you stupid fucking idiot. she hates you she thinks you're so gross and-

"do the others know?"

you don't trust your voice to speak so you shake your head.

"is this why you never let us touch you?"

you blush bright red, gripping the bottom of your shirt.

"you know we wouldn't have judged right?"

the tears are coming back, you feel them building up in your neck again, clogging it up, choking you.

"i'm sorry if we made you feel like we would have." momo's voice breaks then, and you look up. momo wasn't one to cry. sana tended to be the more emotional one, nayeon and momo cried too, just less often and definitely more private, momo just took a little longer to come to conclusions sometimes.

"y-you didn't." your voice is croaky when you speak up.

she sniffles a little, finishing cleaning and grabbing the bandages.

"a-are you mad?"

she sighs. "not mad. just... confused."

"i-i- i'm sorry. i'm sorry i didn't tell you guys i didn't- i thought you would think- i thought you might leave or think i'm too much or i don't know i-"

she finishes wrapping the bandage around your thighs, looking up at you then, her eyes shiny. "i could never leave you y/n. i love you. all of you. you, nayeon, and sana are my family."

you're crying again now, hands coming up to wipe at your tears. she gently helps you put your pants back on then pulls you into another hug, breathing shakily as she lets herself cry as well.

you cling onto her shirt, the confirmation that she was still here and she still loved you grounded you.

you both sit on the bathroom floor there, tightly wound around each other. you memorise the way her breathing comes in and out, focusing on the little hiccups, every single movement. it was quiet.

she pulls away from you, hands coming up to cup your cheeks, thumbs swiping along them. "do you want to talk about it?"

you shake your head.

"do you want to come back to bed then?"

you think a little, "i might sleep in the guest room tonight. i don't really... it's not that i don't want to sleep with you guys, i just-"

"is it okay if i join you in the guest room then?"

you look surprised, "why?"

"it's okay if you don't want me to. i just want to be with you if that's okay. to make sure you're safe for one, but also just because..." she sniffs, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear gently, "i love you and i want to make sure you sleep well."

the tears well up again. "of course. it's not you i just- i don't want sana and nayeon to find out like this."

momo nods, pressing a gentle kiss onto your nose, "i understand. do you want anything before bed? water? a snack?"

you smile tiredly against her, still in a sort of disbelief she was still here. "i'm okay. let's go to bed."

momo nods again, standing up and pulling you with her, but she stops again suddenly, looking down, "does it hurt?"

you wince, "not really. i mean the point is kinda for it to hurt." your eyes widen when momo frowns, "but it doesn't! not anymore i mean. i kinda got used to it." her frown deepens, "i mean no not like that! like- well yes- but-"

"it's okay y/n. i want to know these things. if you're okay with sharing them." she's sincere when she looks at you, and then she's pulling you along towards the guest room. your heart drops a little when you pass by the master bedroom, thinking of nayeon and sana sleeping peacefully inside, wrapped around each other blissfully unaware, but momo squeezes your hand and you look back towards her, following her into the guest room.

she turns on the lamp light and starts removing all the extra pillows and everything that were only really there for decoration. once she's done, she starts ushering you into bed and you laugh a little at her earnestness, "you don't have to treat me any different momo. i'm still the same person."

she frowns, climbing into bed after you, "i just found out about a massive part of your life that you've been hiding from us. you're not the same person to me. not when i've only known half of you."

you still at that, unable to look her in the eye as she fumbles around with the blanket, covering both of you and then sliding an arm over your side.

"i'm sorry." you whisper once she's turned off the light and snuggled in close to you.

she takes a breath, "you don’t have to be sorry. i'm here now. i'm sorry it took me so long. but i'm here now. and i'm not leaving."

"even if i'm not the same person to you anymore?"

she finds your eyes in the darkness, "y/n i didn't mean it like that. i fell in love with half of you. i just found out there's another half that i can also love now. you're the same person, you just have more to you than we knew. and i want to know more about that so i can be a better girlfriend for you."

"you already are a great girlfriend."

she sighs, a hand trailing down your back, drawing random shapes, you curl in closer to her.

"i wanted to throw it all away. i wanted to tell you all. i just-"

she hums, letting you think out your words, continuing to trace patterns into your back, eyes locked on yours.

"it was hard. and i didn't think i'd need to say anything because i was doing good. i hadn't done it in so long. i don't know why today i just- i lost control again."

"y'know nayeon would say just because you haven't done it in so long doesn't mean you were better. it just means you stopped thinking about it but that didn't get rid of the problem. which is why eventually the problem came back."

you smile at her, poking her cheek, "you've been hanging out too much with nayeon."

momo whines, "we're girlfriends! of course i hang out with her!"

"you're right though. i'm sorry. i stopped cutting when we all started dating. i think i got swept up in all the excitement and the love but once the novelty wore off and i grew more comfortable with being in a relationship with all of you, some of the bad thoughts started to come back."

"what sort of bad thoughts?"

"...like that i'm not good enough for you- or that the three of you would be happier without me, or that i don't want to... that i didn’t deserve to live or that it’d be better if i wasn’t- y’know… alive-"

you can see the shine in momo's eyes and feel your own start to well up again while you talk. she lets you speak though, just lays there, stroking your back softly while listening to you.

when you're finished its quiet save for the occasional sniffle from either of you.

"do you still think that? that you're not good enough for us?"

you hum contemplating whether to be honest or to try not to hurt her, you decide you’ve hurt her enough and it was time to be honest, she was still here after all, she wasn’t going to leave you, "...yeah."

she's pressing her lips gently against yours, barely there, almost as if she's asking permission, and you press against her softly back to say yes. you can taste the salt of her tears in the kiss, its short, reassuring. you break away with a tender smile.

"i can't speak for the others. but i don't think we could work if we weren't the four of us. you know that sana and i tried to date when we were younger right? and it didn't work out? because we always felt like there was something missing. but once we all got together, it feels right to love each other like this. i think it'd be the same if you left. i think it'd feel like something was missing and i wouldn't be able to stay either. i'm not saying that to pressure you into staying like a 'if you leave i leave' kinda thing. i'm just saying that you are needed in this relationship and i don't think we would be happier without you, i don't even think we'd work without you, without any one of us."

god you didn't deserve her. you loved her so much.

"and the other stuff... we don't have to talk about that now but... if you're open to it in the future, i want to help you find some outside help if that's okay? you don't have to answer me now, just think about it, because i want to help, but i don't think we can do this alone."

you nod, lips quivering while she smiles at you, noses touching.

"thank you momo."

"of course sweetie. i love you."

"i love you too. so much."

she pecks you again, then places your hand over her chest, and you can feel the calm thumps of her heart.

she closes her eyes, lips only centimetres apart, you follow her lead, focusing on the feeling of her heartbeat rather than the thoughts, letting that fill your head, and slowly, you drift back into sleep.

⸸

you wake up with a dull sting on the inside of your thighs. you curse internally when you realise that it was because you had self-harmed for the first time in months. but then you feel a familiar hand tracing lines down your back, and the smell of soft peaches and you recall that momo had found you cutting yourself. but the way she's tracing your back means she's still here and she hasn't left and that you're still okay.

momo realises you're awake, moving her hand to your hair and brushing the pieces that have fallen over your face. "hi sweetie."

"mm morning. what time is it?"

she giggles a little, "its 5pm actually. i didn't want to wake you. nayeon and sana should be back home soon."

you startle, "what?! 5pm?! where did they go? did they-"

"shh shh no it's okay. i woke up early and made everyone breakfast. when they came in they asked where you were. i told them you slept in the guest bedroom because you weren't feeling well. they wanted to see you but i told them to let you rest. i don't think you should hide this from them for much longer though y/n."

you sigh, relaxing back into her embrace, "i know. i'll tell them when they get back." you can feel the anxiety beginning to chip away at you as soon as the words leave your mouth. you'd thought about it before in the past, about how they'd react. on the worst end of the spectrum, they'd leave you, thankfully momo hasn't done that yet. and realistically you don't think nayeon and sana will either. but there was always that fear in the back of your head. it was more likely that sana would feel hurt and start crying and nayeon would get angry that you didn't trust them with the information. both of which you didn't really want to deal with because you didn't want to cause any of them any negative emotions. but if you didn't tell them, it would mean forcing momo to keep a secret for you and have her constantly go around on tip-toes while worrying over you. it wouldn't be fair and you’d essentially be self-sabotaging your own relationship.

momo breaks you out of your thoughts when she uses her hand to rap lightly against your forehead, "what's going on in there sweetie?"

you shake her off giggling and she smiles, "nothing i'm just thinking about how to tell them is all."

"do you want me to be there?"

you look up at her, her eyes are sincere and caring, you could stare into them for the rest of your life, "yes please, if that's okay with you."

momo squeezes you against her even tighter, planting a kiss on your forehead and murmuring against it, "of course it's okay with me. i'd love to be there."

you smile against her, reminded of your eternal gratefulness and love you have for her, before your stomach starts to growl and you pull away embarrassed while momo starts to laugh that adorable, contagious laugh of hers.

you whine, climbing out of bed as she toddles along behind you, still laughing when you enter the bathroom.

you pick up your toothbrush and start to brush your teeth when you notice that the bathroom's been cleaned up since last night. there's no more blood on the floor and you look briefly over at momo who's standing on that tile looking at you carefully, the hint of a laugh still on her face.

"youscdonthaftawatchmeyknow."

she giggles when some toothpaste dribbles out of your mouth, tilting her head indicating she didn't catch what you said.

you spit out the toothpaste and repeat yourself, "you don't have to watch me y'know."

"i know."

you squeeze some of your facial wash into your hand, staring at her in the mirror when she doesn't move, still looking at your reflection with a gentle smile.

you shrug, closing your eyes and beginning to wash your face. you go through all the motions of your morning routine, and when you finish up and turn around to wipe your hands on the hand towel, she's still standing there watching you.

you clear your throat, leaving the bathroom and moving towards the kitchen. you hear her footsteps padding along behind you.

she overtakes you once you reach the kitchen, going towards the fridge and pulling out a few things. you sit at the kitchen benchtop and watch her reheat a few dishes that she must have made for breakfast and lunch.

"where did nayeon and sana go?"

"to the shops. we were meant to go check out that new bakery together in the city but i figured may as well let you rest, we can go another day."

"oh crap i'm so sorry i forgot! i would've woken up i'm so sorry-"

"it's okay sweetie don't worry. they were both fine to reschedule, they were more concerned about you than missing out on the bakery."

"why didn't you go out shopping with them?"

"i wanted to stay home with you."

"i was asleep."

momo hums, taking the food out of the microwave, "i didn't mind. here." she sets a bowl of sundubu jjigae in front of you and then goes to scoop out a bowl of rice from the rice cooker as well. you spent a lot of the last 24 hours crying but you can't help the tears that well up in you again at the smell. this was one of the first dishes momo made for the four of you when you moved in together.

"do you want me to feed you?" momo's joking as she slides the bowl of rice over, but when you look up at her and she realises you're crying she quickly panics, "i mean i can! if you want!" she's frantically rummaging for a spoon and scooping out some rice and stew and holding it out to you.

you laugh, wiping at your eyes with your sleeve, adoring the way she tilts her head like a confused puppy in bewilderment, a small pout appearing on her lips.

you lean up and take the spoonful into your mouth, chewing and swallowing before leaning across to peck her on the lips. "i just love you is all you idiot."

momo blushes and you take the chance to grab the spoon from her and start eating the meal yourself.

she pouts and is about to whine when you both hear the door open, the telltale sign of keys jangling and the happy chattering of your other two favourite people in the world.

"momo! we got that ice cream y/n likes but i still don't think it's a good idea for her to eat it if she's sick!" nayeon's yelling from the door, probably taking off her shoes and you can hear a short squeal and something crash followed by laughter and you know sana has probably knocked something down or fallen over.

you raise your eyebrows at momo who shrugs and grins sheepishly, grabbing nayeon and sana's mugs and filling them with water.

when they come into the kitchen all loud and giggles its a sight for sore eyes. nayeon's kissing momo hello and setting the bags of shopping they have down. sana rounds the corner with more bags and that infectious smile. you loved all of them so much.

nayeon spots you first, frowning and walking over to you immediately, placing the back of her hand on your forehead. "hey baby, sorry to hear you weren't feeling well last night. are you feeling better now?"

you blush, nodding your head, your mouth still full of food.

sana's next to bound over to you once she's kissed momo in greeting as well, wrapping her arms around your shoulders and kissing the top of your head, "we missed you today. i got you this top i think would be really cute on you though! and momoring we also got you one of those draw-on shirts but we thought we could turn it into a date or something so we have four!" she's rummaging through her bags, producing items of clothing and talking about each one with her endless energy.

you swallow your food and look up at nayeon who has a fond smile on her face while watching sana, when she notices you looking at her she smiles and leans down to brush her lips against yours.

"wait... you're not sick with anything contagious are you...?"

"what if i was?"

she's squealing, running behind the counter before momo laughs and hands her the mug of water she filled and urging her to drink it. she also passes sana her mug who kisses her again in thanks.

you hum in content, happy to be around the people you loved most. its almost as if... they'll leave you. you don't deserve them. this is all temporary. don't get comfortable. you clench your spoon a little tighter, trying to will away the thoughts as you shove another spoonful into your mouth, focusing on the taste and the love behind the person who made it for you.

"-and i almost fell into the fountain and she just stood there and laughed at me!"

look at them enjoying themselves. you’re the odd one out. the one who’s about to break everyone’s happy mood.

you can make out nayeon's cackle, "in my defense! it was pretty funny! you had all your bags and everything and you threw your phone at that little boy!"

"wait sana you did what?"

you should just leave. leave them. look how happy they are without you. all you bring is sadness and anger. you can’t give them anything they’d want. what could you offer them?

"momoringg!! don't join her in this! he pushed me!"

"yeah because you were trying to steal his girlfriend!"

useless. hopeless. there’s nothing you can do. you can’t get anything right. not your job, not your friends, they’ll realise soon enough you know? that they’re better than you. that they’re too good for you. then it’ll be them leaving you. do it first before they realise that and break your heart.

"i was not!"

"that definitely sounds like you actually."

"y/n! you're on my side right?"

you look up in a daze, confused at what the context of the conversation was. "sorry?"

momo's frowning, trying to meet your eyes but you avoid her, looking at sana who's pouting, "were you listening? are you okay y/n?"

"y-yeah sorry i was just- just thinking about something. can you tell me the story again?"

suddenly sana's all in your space, basically climbing into your lap and cupping your cheeks with her hands, squinting at you. "what were you thinking about?"

you blush immediately, "oh y-y'know, just work."

"work's more important than me?"

"no sana i didn't mean it like that i'm sorry. of course work isn’t more important than you. can you tell me the story again? i'll listen this time i promise."

sana hums, nudging her nose against yours gently, "i'll tell you if you tell me the truth."

"what truth?" you feign indifference.

you can tell nayeon is looking at momo, asking for an explanation with her eyes but momo shrugs, turning away and going towards the sink to do the dishes.

"we've been together for 7 months y/n. and i've known you for much longer than that. i can tell when you're lying honey."

you gulp, clutching the spoon tighter with your hands when you feel someone else, nayeon, unwrap your fingers gently and take the spoon away, interlocking your fingers with hers instead.

you stand up quickly, unable to be interrogated at such close distance anymore. sana looks a little hurt when you do, pouting but letting you go. you look at nayeon who's eyeing you with a concerned curiosity. momo still has her back to all of you with the tap on but you can tell her shoulders are tense.

you rub the back of your neck in nervousness, avoiding all of their gazes. "u-um... i actually kinda... have something i needed to talk to you all about..."

you can feel the anxiety ramping up, the adrenaline and urge to run away pumping through you, your palms beginning to sweat.

momo saves you when she turns off the tap and wipes her hands clean, "let's all go to the living room and have some ice cream and we can talk about it yeah?"

you smile at her gratefully and she returns it, grabbing the ice cream nayeon and sana just brought back and a few spoons and bowls.

nayeon and sana exchange looks of confusion but help momo bring the utensils over and eventually you're all sitting on your couch in the living room with the television on for some background noise so it wasn't too awkward.

you fiddle with your hands, not looking at any of them while the random sitcom you have plays in the background. momo notices and grabs a hand, intertwining your fingers and squeezing gently, reassuring you that she was there.

you take a breath, clearing your throat and looking up at nayeon and sana.

"so i- um- i don't really know how to say this-"

"it's okay baby take your time. it's just us right?"

"yeah we're not going to judge you honey. we're here for you whatever this is okay?"

you take a shaky breath in, mumbling incoherently to yourself before deciding, "u-um it's probably a bit easier to s-show you." you let go of momo's hand and start to undo the tie at your pants.

"um... y/n if all you wanted was sex i think there were other ways to-" momo slaps nayeon who yelps, rubbing her arm where she was hit mumbling a "what?" but momo shushes her and gestures back to you.

you stand up and drop your pants, immediately feeling the cool breeze against your naked legs, shivering a little and fighting the urge to cover yourself. you stare down at your feet when you hear the little gasps. you decide to start talking, refusing to look up, "i'm sorry i made momo lie to you. i wasn't sick last night. i woke up and started thinking some… not so great things and i needed it to stop so i- um- i went to the bathroom where i hid some of my old stuff and i um- well-“ you awkwardly gesture at your thighs before continuing, “momo woke up and found me after the first cut. i would’ve kept going if she didn’t find me. she helped me clean up and bandage it and then i asked to sleep in the guest room because i didn’t want to um- i wasn’t ready to uh- to tell you guys yet- i’m sorry for keeping this from all of you for so long.“

when you’re done, you risk a glance up, and find the three loves of your life, tears running down their faces.

sana’s the first to move, she gets up and practically jumps over to you, but she stops short right before you touch, “c-can i- c-can i hug you?”

you smile at her, feeling your own tears well up at the sight of your three girlfriends crying. “of course darling. i’m still the same. i still love cuddling with you.”

she doesn’t give you a second thought and buries her head into your neck, wrapping her arms around your waist. you realise you’re still standing in the middle of the living room with your pants down which is a little absurd but you wrap your arms around her, sagging into her a little when she squeezes. you can feel her soft crying and the tears wet your neck.

nayeon stands and comes around as well, a little hesitant but you look at her and offer a wet smile and she breaks, enveloping the both of you in her arms as well with a muted sob. momo joins in as well because of course she does, you look at her gratefully as she sniffles, fiddling a little with her fingers before coming around behind you and moulding herself to your back, hands coming around your waist and holding onto sana’s hands, giving them a squeeze for reassurance as well.

you're surrounded with all the love you wanted. so why do you still want to die? you don't listen to that voice, pushing it down and trying to stay in the moment. eventually, someone breaks away, and you awkwardly shuffle your pants back on, glad to be able to cover up your scars.

nayeon speaks up first, a hand still holding yours, squeezing gently, "how long have you been... y'know-"

"since before i met you. the thoughts started getting really bad when i was still in high school. and all the pressure with doing well and all the extra curriculars i was picking up, it just got too much. the only thing that worked was the pain. it got me through high school, and i started to rely on it. but then... the first time i slept with someone... she was appalled. i had almost forgotten the scars were there until my pants were off. she got scared off and i told myself i wouldn't let anyone else see this side of me."

"baby..."

"it's okay. it got better after i met you guys. and when we all started dating i stopped. i felt happy." you smile up at your girlfriends, tears still streaming down your face, "being with all of you made me forget those things. but they came back. and worse this time because- because i have so much more to lose now. i can't- i can't lose you-" you can't control the sobs when you break down again. pathetic.

the girls are surrounding you instantly, whispering reassurances, brushing through your hair, tracing shapes into your skin, you try and focus on your bodily sensations rather than your internalisations, try and focus on them.

"we'd never leave you honey... we're not complete without you, you believe me right?" sana's tilting your face up to meet hers, her eyes are watery, nose red.

"i'm trying to believe you."

she places her forehead against yours and closes her eyes, sighing slightly, "i'm going to tell you that everyday from now. that i love you and that i'm not going anywhere. until you believe me." she smiles and tries for a joke, "you're going to have to deal with clingy me for the rest of your life."

you let out a broken laugh, kissing her sweetly. "i love when you're clingy anyway."

she laughs as well, wiping at her nose.

you peek at nayeon. you know she has more questions, the frown on her face and the little pout she has breaks your heart. you reach a hand out to her, she takes it after some consideration, and you pull her into your lap.

"you can ask anything. there's nothing off limits. i'll try answer everything i can and i promise i'll be honest with everything. that goes for the both of you as well." you look over at sana who's moved to your side to allow for nayeon to sit on your lap, she's got a hand on the eldest's waist, playing with her shirt, her other hand on your shoulder.

momo moves to your other side, lifting nayeon's legs and placing them on her own, tracing her calves and brushing a strand of your hair behind your ear.

nayeon's biting her lip, you focus on the small mole under her left eyebrow.

"w-why didn't you tell us?"

you sigh, "i didn't really think i needed to at first. because i hadn't done it in so long. i thought i was better."

"is it because you thought you couldn't trust us?"

"no baby that's not it."

"why did you keep your old stuff hidden then? when we moved in together? a part of you must have thought you weren't entirely better."

you bring a hand up to caress her cheek, she leans into the touch. "you're right. i'm sorry."

"is it still here?"

you look towards momo for an answer and she nods, "i didn't want to throw everything away. i wanted you to make that decision on your own. i thought that if we forcefully got rid of your things you might just try and hide it from us the next time the feelings come up. it's there but i... i don't really like the idea of leaving you alone y/n..."

nayeon's squeezing one of momo's hands, "pretty baby's so smart. i'm thankful you found her momo."

you nod in agreement, "is that why you kept following me around?"

momo nods shyly, her eyes still wet.

"i'm okay with that. i don't- i don't really trust myself right now either. i think it'd be good if someone was with me. if that wasn't... a burden or anything of course..."

sana jumps in, "honey no. you're not a burden. i hope you don't think that about yourself. i love taking care of you. i'd love being able to be there for you while you get better."

you smile at her gratefully.

"what are some of the bad thoughts you have baby?" nayeon's bringing your attention back to her, you can tell she's struggling to formulate these questions. but you're glad that she's asking them.

"a lot of it is about you guys. because you're all the reason i'm still here today."

"what about us? what can we do sweetie?"

you shake your head, looking down at your hands which are quickly taken ahold of by momo and sana. "i guess it comes down to... wondering if you can still love me while i hate myself." your grip tightens around their hands.

"you hate yourself?" nayeon's voice is shaky now, she's trying her best to hold back her emotions, wanting to find out everything she can do for you.

you nod, tears dropping onto her pants.

"there's this song. i think- i think it might be easier to play that for you guys if that's okay? i'm not really- i don't really know how to talk about this..."

they nod and quickly try and find your phone. momo finds it and hands it over to you. you quickly unlock it and search for the song you're looking for. could you love me while i hate myself - zeph.

you press play, clicking into the lyrics and staring at them to avoid looking at your girlfriend's reactions. it's a short song.

could you love me while i hate myself?

could you love me though i don't deserve it?

could you love me like there's no one else

even though you know i can't return it?

could you love me when the water's rough?

or when i leave you in a desert?

could you love me, though i speak with knives?

knowing all to well that you'll get hurt

if you can't answer 'yes' just go

i'm more trouble than i'm worth

could you love me while i hate myself?

because i don't know how this works

i never learned how this works

when it ends, you awkwardly tap out of your app, putting your phone down.

"thank you for sharing that baby."

you hum.

nayeon takes a shaky breath in, then quietly asks, "is it okay if i sing for you?"

you're surprised, looking up at her, her eyes are red. you nod.

she closes her eyes, humming a note to start, taking a breath in again and steadying her voice.

i'll love you while you hate yourself

i'll love you because you deserve it

i'll love you like i love us together

until you're ready to return it

i'll love you when things get rough

no matter where you leave us

i'll love you even when you're

working out all your thoughts

i'll get hurt if it means

some of your pain comes onto me

i'll love you while you hate yourself

and we'll figure out how it works

together we'll learn to get better

when she finishes and opens her eyes, you're sniffling again, tears streaming out of your eyes.

sana's the first to speak up, bringing her hands up to wipe at the tears on nayeon's cheeks, "our little musical genius. of course you came up with a response exactly on pitch after listening to a song once."

nayeon lets out a broken laugh, leaning into sana's touch.

you meet her eyes, a bright smile gracing your face, and you probably look a little silly, wet cheeks and red nosed with tears still dripping out of you, but nayeon laughs again in relief, coming in and kissing you.

you kiss her back gratefully, trying to convey how much you loved her in your action. you can feel sana's hand on your arm and momo's fingers in your hair. you loved them.

the thoughts are still there. you think they’ll always be there. but you don’t have to take them on on your own anymore. it would take time, but the people you loved were going to help you through it. you needed to put some trust in them as well, trust that they wouldn't leave, trust that they loved you just as you loved them, you wanted to get better, for them and for yourself, you believed you could get better with their help, for now, that was enough.

⸸

an extra a/n bcs its important: hi! i recognise that all experiences are unique so i just wanted to say the descriptions here aren’t meant to be generalised and i didn’t intend to write any stereotypes or misconceptions and i apologise if i have - i try to draw upon my own experiences to be able to write - in saying that i hope that anyone who feels they relate to similar themes etc seeks the help they need from professional sources - my dms are open ofc but i am not a professional and it is best to speak to someone who can help you in real time and in physicality. stay safe love y’all practice some self care today if u get the chance! <3

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niallandtommo · 6 months

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if i see one more post that's like "no one can love you if you don't love yourself" i will lose my shit

#shut 👏 the 👏 fuck 👏 up 👏#just saw one that's even worse #it said #you can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself #what the fuck are you talking about???#of course i can love other people even if i hate myself??#2 + 2 = tomato??#also like what do you want me to do??? do you think it's gonna help if you tell me i'm unlovable if i don't love myself???#that's not helping bro you're just making me hate myself even more #stop telling people that no one can love them if they don't love themselves #that is so fucked up what the hell #sorry i'm in a bad mood and saw a video with that quote on instagram and i'm so 🤬😤🙄

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cerise-on-top · 3 months

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what do u think Farah, Kate, Valeria’s types are, like personality wise or physically? love ur stuff so much, there isn’t enough stuff for the cod women and it is the worse💋

Hey there! I don't think they have a type per se, to them it's more important to have a good connection with someone! So I only wrote about what I think they'd like their partner to be! I didn't write about any physical appearances, though, since I think that sort of thing doesn't matter at all! The chemistry is important to them more so than anything else!

Valeria’s, Farah’s and Laswell’s type

Valeria: She’d likely be into someone who knows what they want from the get go, who can get aggressive at times but knows when to be quiet as well. Someone intelligent, who knows not to mess with her and her business too much, willing to let a lot of morally interesting things slide. Someone who can be loud at the right time, who isn’t afraid to stand up for themselves. However, I think she’d also be into someone independent. She doesn’t have a lot of time for a relationship, always out and about somewhere, so she’d want someone who can take care of themself. Someone who knows how to do house chores is also a big plus. You don’t have to worry about her doing nothing, if she wants to she can hire a maid or something, but it’s sort of domestic to her to have a partner who knows how to cook and use a vacuum cleaner. That way she won’t have to worry too much about coming home to a messy home. Her ideal partner would be up for going out with her from time to time, and wouldn't be shy in front of other people either. Someone motivated would be nice as well. Just someone willing to do things with and for her. But the most important part would be loyalty. Someone who knows that what she does is wrong, but stays with her despite it. Valeria can’t allow someone to work against her, not even someone she loves.

Farah: She’d probably like someone chipper. She’s surrounded by war and death at all times, so having someone cheerful with her, who can lift her spirits when she’s feeling down, would be ideal to her. Besides, she loves the domestic parts of life as much as the next person, so she wouldn’t mind settling down somewhere with someone, but she also wants to be with someone willing to go out with her to maybe explore the surroundings a bit. Doesn’t have to be a lot either, just watching the sunset while going on a walk with her would suffice for her. Her ideal partner would be open for most things, from cultures to just some outings. And although it’s only a small part of her, she secretly does wish for someone who’s not straight. That way she can share her experiences with someone else and not feel as alone. Someone who can show her something new almost every day would also be appreciated. Farah is a very loyal person, so she’d love for her partner to be the same. Communication is key, so someone willing to talk to her if something bothers them, regardless of what it may be, would also be nice. It would also be nice if that person could stay calm during most parts of their life and not lose hope immediately, someone who trusts that Farah will come home safe and sound to them and not freak out about every small thing.

Laswell: I think she’d be into someone calm. Someone a bit older, maybe even a few years older than her, who has seen the finer things life has to offer and who can appreciate them. Nothing would faze them and they would never raise their voice. Someone, who doesn’t need to see the world anymore, who has seen most of it. Someone stable and content. While Laswell could take care of someone, she doesn’t want someone reliant on her since she’s abroad more often than not and doesn’t have the time for someone like that always. While it would be nice if that person could speak up for themself, she doesn’t mind having to speak on their behalf from time to time. That person doesn’t have to be the next Einstein, but she’d love someone she can have sophisticated conversations with over a glass of wine. Someone willing to drink some wine with her in general would be nice. Laswell is too old to want very many complications, so she too would appreciate someone willing to say what bothers them so they can work it out together. Not everything needs to be perfect, but she’d prefer it if she could talk it out with them. Although she can splurge a little bit here and there, it’s important to her that her partner is responsible with money and doesn’t buy everything that comes to mind. She wants them to be well off, and that is, mostly, only possible if you know how to save money. She thinks butches are hot, but she’s not opposed to a cute femme either.

#cod #valeria garza #farah karim #kate laswell #I wasn't sure if I was going to write this request in the first place #I always felt bad whenever I read about a character's type and I very much was not that #and I don't want other people to feel bad because of it either #so I'm just gonna say it again: The chemistry you have with those characters is more important than fitting into their type #there's another word I'm looking for but I for the life of me can't remember it right now #anyway if you vibe with a character then by all means imagine yourself with them and don't listen to what I have to say #this was just for fun and really shouldn't make anyone feel bad #if you're the things I listed then that's great! but even if you're not the girls would still love and adore you all the same!#again these are just desirable traits for them more so than anything else! nothing to go by!#I can tell you that the girls would love you just as you are!

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renegadeontherunn · 25 days

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hi! this is my small, gentle reminder that you don’t have to be like other people. I know the best parts of other people are beautiful and exciting and just so cool, but you don’t need to be everything. it’s okay not to be as good at watercolor as your sister or not give good advice like your mom does and it’s okay to love qualities in other people. sometimes other people’s words or their idiosyncrasies or the way they part their hair is so wonderful that you want to join, you want to feel the way about yourself, about the not-as-great parts of yourself that you do about the best parts of them. and it’s okay if you start listening to The Killers because it’s your brother’s favorite band or if you decide you want to get red converse like the ones your best friend has. but it’s okay if you can’t “keep up” with their grades or will never be able to do eyeliner as well as they can or maybe it seems like they just love life more than you do. I just want you to know that there are unattainable parts of you too. you can like things about other people that you don’t have, and you don’t have to give a compliment thinking god I wish I was like that. you don’t have to be like that. it’s okay to just be the things you are. you don’t have to be everything.

#found this in my drafts from a couple years ago & thought it was still pretty relevant haha #this isn't at anyone other than myself but #sometimes i look at the people i love and think !!!!! this part about them is so wonderful!!!!!#i want to be wonderful in the same way!!!! because i love it in them and so i want to love it in me too #but you can't have every quality and you can't be good at everything #it's okay to be what you already are #not to say that you can't try to emulate your role models don't take pieces of your loved ones for yourself #we are collages of every person we've ever loved ever known #but you don't have to #you don't have to take everything you don't have to be everything #you don't have to be like someone you love #someone you know is loveable #to be loveable too.#you can. i started listening to the magnus archives because of my friends and i like to try my hand at aus i loved reading #and those things bring me a lot of joy!!! and i love them!!#but sometimes it can turn into. why isn't this as good as theirs why can't i look like them or have as cool clothes as them or whatever #'i'm so sick of myself / rather be rather be / anyone anyone else'#'i know their beauty's not my lack / i know their win is not my loss'#maybe this is a very selfish mindset. it feels like it and ha #i wish i wasn't as selfish a friend as my friends are #do you see how this works #hm. this probably doesn't make much sense.#i just. you don't have to be everything #you are already the things you are and that's already enough #fiona speaks #i just think comparison #comparison and shame are at the root of so many of our problems. they are one of the greatest enemies to us #take pieces but. ha a uquiz told me once that your fuel does not have to be shame #idk just. yeah. what other people have is not your lack #idk

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musical-chick-13 · 2 months

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#idk it's just really frustrating to think that people will ALWAYS make allowances for people they're romantically in love with but #not make those same allowances for someone else they otherwise care about.#that people will risk things for their partners that they wouldn't for their friends #that it's EXPECTED for you to prioritize your spouse/significant other/etc. at all times but prioritizing your friend(s) is rarely even #considered. and when you're like me and you LITERALLY CANNOT DO THIS SHIT BY YOURSELF...#like I know I go on and on about marrying some theoretical woman all the time (and my ongoing...whatever this is. with Musician Guy)#but genuinely I'm not even sure that I want that I think I just want someone who will fucking visit me in the hospital if I get into a car #crash or fix me soup when I'm sick.#like...yeah. in that one story I wrote I think I distilled it down: we all just want someone to hold us when we're sad #and it SUCKS that the only avenue we seem to be allowed to pursue that is through a romantic relationship #right now I have my dad but if something happens to him...I genuinely do not know what I'm going to do. I'll have nowhere to go #if something terrible happens. I'll have no one to help me be a person. and I just. like I really am going to just have to power through #the next 60 years on this fucking planet alone and by god I'll fucking do it but I wish I didn't have to!!!!#and I think this was why the loss of Her™ friendship (which was necessary. for both of us) was so acutely painful. because even after #she got married she WAS willing to prioritize me when things got bad enough. she DID genuinely care about me in a way I don't think #anyone ever has. and I just really don't think I'll ever find that ever again. and I can't go back and I don't WANT to be with her anymore #but it was this time of the year when she told me she was getting married way back when and my brain has kept that like the World's Worst #Anniversary and all of those terrible ugly feelings are coming back in full force and I HATE that I'm still unpacking this I. HATE. that #this not-even-relationship is STILL doing this to me #WHAT THE FUCK!!! IS UP WITH THAT!!!!!!#*sigh* okay for REAL I am logging off right now because I've already said Too Many Embarrassing Personal Things about myself today #and I do not want to put myself in a position to say anymore!#In the Vents #GOD this is so stupid IT'S NOT LIKE SOMEBODY DIED WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

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toygirljackal-archive · 7 months

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Fuck I feel so dumb

#vent in the tags #she doesn't follow me anymore. why does such a simple thing hurt so much.#I'm mourning a relationship that barely even happened... but it feels so impossible to move on from...#I... really hate that I feel this way. it feels unfair to people I love now...#vaguing but do you ever instantly hit it off with someone and fall immediately in love but then fuck it up and become unable to interact #for like weeks. and she cared about you and you cared about her but it didn't work and it was your fault. and you try to move on...#but every fourth thought is about her and how much you wish she was in your arms and you in hers. and you love other people but not like he #like somehow this person you've only known for a week and a half is more important than anyone else but she's the one person you forced awa #and it's been weeks and you still can't say anything because you know you'd only hurt her. but what if you could make her understand?#but if she can't you'll just be hurting her over and over and you can't bring yourself to risk that. bc you love her #you love her too much to love her. cruel irony #and maybe if she wanted she'd text you. but maybe she's feeling the same way and is waiting for you. so you're torn #do you share your feelings honestly and risk hurting her or leave her alone and risk hurting...#would it be better if you made yourself the bad guy? would she hurt less if she believed you were as bad as you think you were?#would it be better if you told her a lie. that you moved on. that you didn't love her anymore. or would it break her heart?#all I want is for her to be happy. and I know I can't give her that...#and she shared her struggles to feel worthy... and I KNOW she's worth it all and more... a million times more than I could ever give her...#I feel like I gave her false hope and broke her even worse... she said I didn't hurt her. I don't believe her but I really hope it's true #I think I'll be thinking about her forever. wondering “what if”s till I die

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blue-is-a-sapphic-color · 2 years

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hi blue! with the recent news idk if u plan on leaving the fandom yet, but im one of ur mutuals and i wish i’d gotten closer to u on the dash before all this! wish u all the best!

hey! thank you so much for reaching out! i wish u all the best as well, whether you leave or stay. if you want to reach out just send a tumblr dm and we'll trade discords! don't be shy, i'm probably more nervous than you are

as whether i'm leaving the fandom? it's a definitive Not Yet. it doesn't seem like it, but it's not even been a couple of days since everything went down. i'm currently waiting for more information before i decide what i'm going to do next

this blog has always been lore focused first, cc focused second, so at the end of it all i might stick around to hang out with the awesome people of dreblr, i just truly don't know yet.

#i... don't really know what to say?#for anyone else if you ever wanted to reach out but never did please do!#and for anyone that needs to vent or is overwhelmed by this because of whatever reason #the dre.blr min.ecraft discord server has been my refuge these past couple of hours #and remember that you're not alone and there are people who love you and who see you #there always are and there always will be even if you yourself can't see them #anon #ask

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sinkableruby · 3 months

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ok guys you kinda fell off. like im sorry but you fell off

#i dont think saying “your soul does not equal one human soul because you are furniture therefore you don't have the right to love” is #the hill you want to be dying on. or a good idea at all really #but whatever #sure #uminexus #umineko spoilers #i guess if you think of it as like. a mental barrier. then it makes sense #you can't believe youre human until you prove it to yourself more than anyone else #you have to prove you have the resolve. that you have what it takes #because if you're too hung up on “being furniture” which you've thought of yourself as your whole life you won't make it #there. i saw it with love

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unproduciblesmackdown · 4 months

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some threads woven together flawlessly. or fumbled with intently until it's like Look [holds out a cat's cradle] but no. it's good & real

smthing "i can't believe it's this Telling!" about Romance(tm) being multiple times hearing this sentiment like. "okay talking about relationships right. dating has always come easily to me / i've been lucky / i'm Good At romance: i was not single for more than 5 consecutive days from the autumn of '34 to Now. but it wasn't until my late twenties 90 yrs & dozens of Romantic partners into it that, for the first time ever: one of those relationships was actually like, good." and it's like damn i can't believe it's that Telling. that the remarks have this would be twist / punchline (not actually delivered as such. it's not unexpected to them?) that still gets framed thusly as being Successful in dating. spending eons with a bunch of people involved in bad relationships, but you weren't Not dating

also reminded in terms of [i don't really have any podcasts i'm listening to] like one i was like "hm i've heard some episodes. i'll put this one on in the background" then dropkicking it out the window like 10 min in b/c irrelevantly this Guest was like "real talk. ugh it's sooo cool to be poly nowadays 9_9 everyone has to be poly but i'm Naught into it!!! i guess i Feel too much. i want PASSION and DRAMA!!! this is just like how pop in the late '00s / '10s was all 'feminist' telling you to be independent sluts well i care about true LOVE" and like. i don't remember but i don't think they were a man, i'm quite surer they were queer, it was just so fucking lmfao like would you get thee fuck out of here. we actually don't live in "it's like it's illegal to be monogamous :(" world you're not Edgy now b/c you're insecure about what you see as "trendy" but don't Get / don't want in on. you're not going against the grain for being like "maybe i Do want to settle down with my soulmate" like great news that's normative. pick another queer group to Project on b/c they'd rupture your idea of the Bounds of queerness where you're like "ugh they're so mainstream & ruining it for us True queers disrupting the cishet agenda (arguing for queerness to be on The Terms Of said cishet agenda)" e.g. ohh the cishet agenda is pro asexuality!!! (it is not. even if it was? is the Queer Agenda for some people to have to deny their own sexuality & "have" to have sex a certain kind of way with certain people? up next "bi women: gender traitors, why not Choose to (have to) have only certain kinds of sex w/certain people :)" trans people gender traitors We decide what everyone's gender is, bit fucked up of you to be deciding your own huh, what Assumptions are you making you sicko?? you Have to identify / present xyz certain ways or you're failing to be the gender vanguard like we are) like what if the queer agenda was about everything we Can do. we Can have this sex w/these people sure, & we Can: Not do that w/them. like oh no what if cishet men were able to get their hands on the gay resources only when we recognize Aro/Ace identities can ppl Say "yeah i'm....hehe....Not cishet"? legitimate question Yeah What Then. oh no. god's wounds What If you can just say you're trans now & change your pronouns every day. like yeah let's let everyone do that. what if we all did. oh no lol. oh my god more people are talking about polyamory like they're allowed to talk about polyamory & if my monogamy isn't Assumed ""normal"" & i might feel like it's thus more in question?? well don't mind me as i get defensive by way of Derisive & start scoffing & spitting at the queers making the rest of us look bad but we're Really fighting the fight out here (doing what we were already doing but now feeling extra smug & self satisfied about it?)

like "ohh i have too much Emotion for that" like who said you didn't. why do you think polyamory involves less emotion or passion or desire or commitment or whatever. it sure doesn't posit it necessarily requires More either. it posits that it is not monogamy. & like christ Congratulations then. congratulations on having too much of a heart. that is then used to sneer & backbite like i forgot that this person on this damn podcast also brought this up b/c a friend or acquaintance who was poly made whatever kind of proposition & here they are on some podcast going Ugh & talking about how they have too much passion, despite years of top40 telling them, according to them, that feminism is sluttiness now (again this is. according to them. Groundbreaking circling back to bog standard misogyny) & isn't it so groundbreaking in turn if a woman were to sing love songs? imagine. you can have emotions & passion & drama taking the parking spot a stranger wanted. You could've brought the monogamy with a poly partner, when the Agenda for it is always distilled to Exclusivity, like, bring your own, huh? like your own Feelings & Passions & Commitment. but obviously it is the assumption that the poly partner is the Inadequate one there who would be causing any relationship to be Lacking. b/c they sure didn't frame it as some matter of fact Mismatch or else try to start being outright about how poly people are, like the bisexuals, these sluts (feminists!!) who are only giving you Part of themselves when you deserve All Access to your exclusive, locked in partner!!! & like good lord do you ever? with your Reliable kinsey endzones binary gender soulmate for life, do you?? locking them in what, why. excluding what, why. accessing all of what, why.

Romance(tm) being defined by Exclusivity defined by entitlement to as much of this other person as you want, to ensure that exclusivity: compare w/the boundless potential Threats or already Violations to thee proper romantic relationship. spending too much time with other people, sharing too much with them, getting too much support, feeling too much towards them, valuing them too much, to say nothing of what could be considered "intimacy," which then yeah sure includes "well no kissing or sex" but yknow again that does need to be a bound you even accept, monogamy style, & even if you do, that All Thee Rest of it can be attributed to "well you shouldn't be talking to them / having these friends / doing these other things b/c that's a slippery slope to Romance (kissing, sex)." that the exclusivity is so often inevitably defined by, when pushed to it, Exclusion, e.g. like if everyone i loved was held at gunpoint & it's like only One of them could be Not Shot baby it'd be you like tf is this scenario?? gee it'd suck if everyone else died but baby as long as it's not you like The Hell. that it's about Everyone Else being shut out & Less & Lacking & deprioritized thusly in specificass hypothetical winner take all tournaments of disposing of loved ones like what in the christ. & this being an Isolating logic like well that soulmate should be Enough. & the instruction like, yeah any & all feelings passions desires wishes wants needs hopes dreams? file that away under "to be fulfilled by the One True Romance." it'll fulfill Everything in your life!! if it doesn't umm cough must've been doing it wrong. turn your discontent into Passion. philosophically muse on how Fulfillment may have eluded you but maybe just maybe we all still come closest in struggling through a marriage for a few dozens of years & also perhaps parenthood! surely. and don't even think of considering if this cosmos of the nuclear household is not in fact the distilled essence of all that one's life can possibly contain

of course two people can have a long term intimate relationship w/each other exclusively & it not all necessarily play into some nuclear family cisheteropatriarchy agenda moment lmao, but this is just the same as like. yeah people Can exist in ways that some rando today could look at & deem "are they not cishet" but where this is also not of the cishet agenda(tm). b/c ppl Have to be cishet(tm). & Have to be finding their monogamous cishet lifelong spouse. & sure Have to Not do otherwise, so why Wouldn't there be the narrative that all passions & emotions & desires & wants & needs & chance of fulfillment is a matter of the domain of Romance(tm)? the idea like oh you enjoy talking with someone? Love. you're excited / interested / affectionate? Love. you're dtf? either Love or else held to be the other side of the same coin: marked Lack of love(tm). wild that Stimming in enthusiasm is used in this Romance framework lmao as like a recognized Normal nd moment. love the enthusiasm. you could be stimming even more, about more. you could be enthused even more, about more. you Could. you don't Have to, But You Could. you don't Have to be involved in a way you consider some degree of intimate enough to have a particular classification on that basis, but you Could. you don't want to? alright awesome how many versions of a person there can be on this earth. why would one want to define it as "having" to be monogamous though b/c you're Too Legit to be poly. Too Legit queer to respect asexuality. Too Legit trans to respect someone's gender expression/identity being a casual, dynamic, easy experience.

also always noticing like "oh right, another day's work giving Others' feelings legitimacy & priority, & not my own" back in college times when like a couple of times having to outright or gradually* deflect acquaintances whom i'd interacted with trying to go for the dating route. & then nominally having to presume that they are the uniquely burdened one here like oh way to go (did not do fuckall), what is more Legitimate than disappointment re: Romance right. except it's like now hang on i'm also the one going "i thought someone was interacting with me trying to be friendly :/" like lol, no. & as though then taking on this impossible unilateral responsibility to demur from seeming [i want to hang out & interact] interest now on the terms of both neurotypicality (also normative) & amatonormativity. & being like "??" like what would someone even have particularly strong feelings about when i prommy i did not yet feel comfortable bringing even like most of the range of my personality, or comfortable in general w/what i Did bring, what's the basis of this lol. making up a guy. & like we are all performing we are all perceiving & interpreting without a direct channel into someone else's interiority. but like where's Any genuine intimacy leading into this lol? like still a No even if so but at least it'd be less perplexing. & if there isn't even expected to be any then also still No. tf was this one guy trying to start shit over buying textbooks & by start shit i mean keep trying to talk to me when crossing paths on (community college!) campus until i'm like no i don't wanna go to a movie b/c i don't really know you from adam, & he's like "well isn't that the point of dating, to get to know each other" like No this isn't cishet amatonormative marriage speedrun "i'm so good at dating i wasn't single for 93 years! each relationship was shit btw!" central get out of here. luckily he did. rando guys in public & semi public barely count yet also fully count

another thing that's different but the same is it's kind of jarring like another thing you Can do but it rankles within me like i hope to just like. someone being like framed as Superlative Exceptional....like great lmao such a broad thing & common thing & i am fully aware like "Uh Oh Eesh when i am imagining it applied to Me. i do not like it" like how we are [it takes all kinds]ing and [no accounting for taste]ing & all these things we sure Can do. but i do tie it to just like. arguing for people's worth as A Thing on this bitch of an earth where some people get to see others' lives as less than theirs & the supposed cure for this appealing on Merit. where even the Personal, Individual protection against this is "well, just find the one person who is like 'you're Everything & btw i'd drop dead without you like what would be the point of Anything'" like now what tf is reassuring about that lmao....this Other audio experience i forgot where i was already just not that interested but it grated hearing someone assure us that like oh this person's webpage is so Intriguing i Have to talk to this person. another thing much more formal & established being this ode to someone being like So undeniably extraordinary & incredible & superlative etc, like, lovely ode to someone, but i do reflect like eesh i just really do not want that. no ironic "xyz would've hated this!!" like just do not. i'm so Not about merit(tm). i'm so not about anyone Needing to be considered superlative or extraordinary by even One other person. so not about rising Above anyone else as the evidence of worth. so not about praising anyone by assuring people they're Not "Just" [another xyz. a victim. passive. content to abc.]....so not about being stuck in isolation with the immediate Family as one's only support (against The Family: as like. a political deal) until the only other way to exist is to escape, &/or be pushed into, the marriage, aka thee romance (against Romance: also a political deal)

where in romance(tm) is there Not this narrative about how you'd better find all the support & fulfillment you need in your whole self & life & being in This. where is there not "ideally" isolation. where is there not exclusivity as the definition. with this also ofc assuming the "correct" monogamous approach. & the cisheteropatriarchy. like yeah sure people Can do xyz that would resemble like ah the cishet lifelong monogamous partnership, & Not be of that agenda. like there Can be ppl who would be perceived cishet by someone to whom "cishet" has any meaning but like, without that agenda. we had & can have all our phenotypes without the concepts of white supremacy / antiblackness around which to categorize "race," we have all our bodies w/o there necessarily, inevitably being ableism. & in the meantime against the [we Have to xyz] & the Normative & the assertion of "merited" deservingness & the isolating & authoritarian & controlling & extractive & prescriptive & limiting, & plenty of other things....polyamory like supposed "opposite" of aromanticism but it's peak harmonious when like, it is also very much outside how romance is "supposed" to be, to the extent of like ohh it doesn't count b/c it is so uncontained by any Definitions. ohh i could never be polyamorous b/c they're Diluting themselves (there's the Isolating & Exclusivity definitions....the Most romantic relationship? baby idgaf if everyone else in my life died. you wouldn't either re: all your loved ones, right. why are you talking to them again. or hanging out with them again. or saying Love to them again or changing your plans for them or listening to them or etc etc. & of course you couldn't kiss anyone else, why Wouldn't this relationship crumble away if that weren't the case??? lol) like okay you're not polyamorous, that others Are is good for you. ppl being trans is good for cis people; no genders as constraining classes. ppl being ace is good for allo people; no compulsory sexuality. people being bi is good for everyone; same. etc etc etc. that They can exist as themselves unhindered = you can; that they can't, you can't. you're not Too Good to be them; acting/doing Better than someone else is acting/doing is like, about choices lol. versus [oh it's not even a choice i Couldn't be poly....b/c i'm too good for that] like. now what does this do for anyone exactly. but make you feel more secure through feeling superior b/c you're hearing more often more casually more proximately about different choices people are making for themselves

anyways surfacing from [my god. writing a post now] & i would like to emphasize "aromantic sure but & also anti-romance i mean it. like politically" & "lovelessness let's gooo. politically as well like can we Not with the affective-centric"

#long post qpqp like middlingly but i'm not reading all that; i only wrote it #remembering i could've touched on [o7 tales of like ppl who Would want to date but know they can't count on it b/c of societal/cultural/#structural obstacles / isolating factors] relevant...why exactly should it be miserable meaningless kys territory to be single for anyone #again truly amazed like no Lol XD from ppl going ''my very successful love life. i was in bad relationships nonstop for 19 yrs'' WHA? HUH?#also it's a Zzz for ppl who Supposedly are like ''ohh if you're not happy single you'll never be happy in a relationship''#like...vaguely in theory but this is just invoked to place individual blame & still say You Gotta Get That Relationship Though Still #dipping sliiightly outside amatonormativity to still bolster it ''if you're not finding Success(tm) in Love: idk it's your fault ig?''#like saying ''ooo ppl don't love/respect you if you don't love/respect yourself'' (a) why not? (b) yeah ofc ppl Should be able to be happy #w/o a partner they Should be able to appreciate themselves w/o anyone else's judgment & approval. but they shouldn't (i) have to assume #they'll be otherwise unsupported in this? do it All Yourself (ii) shouldn't be blamed(tm) for the lack of support they already have #& then that these sentiments Are then like ''haha but find that partner though. don't be Too happy single lol'' & ''hey don't be That self #confident no wait stop Get Approval'' like ohh Now people will like you :) you're still supposed to theoretically care about Needing that #you just need to also be blaming yourself if it doesn't happen! b/c Good People are guaranteed being personally liked & loved to the max #& the max might be 1 person of a particular gender agrees to fuck around w/only you. maybe some cazsh friends from work/school exist. whew

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