#vent in the tags
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once again living vicariously through writers, artists, performers, adventurers, fictional characters, historical figures, and anyone else who has ever done or is doing anything even remotely interesting, etc., because i have no energy to participate in life myself and it's easier to maladaptively daydream my days away instead
#me#and the#tw depression#vent in the tags#ok so#to be fair i have been working on some very angsty fanfiction but like. i shld be working on stuff i cld publish under my real name#but fanfiction is a real medium of literature thats true#like it exists it can be published on ao3 it can make someones day maybe#but society doesnt care or find it impressive & thats my issue - not feeling worthy enough etc#half of me wants visible traditional success in life & the other half doesnt & just wants to do whatever & be chill#so half of me wants to be the next shakespeare (ok not literally but ykwim) & the other half just wants to write fanfiction lmao
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Like a dog,
And I’ll love you always, even if you hate me
#always convinced the people I love most actually hate me and are just being polite or feel obligated to talk to me#Always scared I’m being too pushy or too much or too obsessive#Always hate myself and know I’d never be good enough for them or what they want… but oh how I wish i was#is the distance too much? is my past too great? is it my height? my weight? my race? my heart? what is wrong with me#tell me so I can change myself for you please#vent in the tags#vent art#unrequited love#unrequited feelings#love quotes#love poems#love poetry#illustration#love art#quote art#therapy art#art therapy#my work#I am just a dog
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It is so disheartening seeing young radqueers, because I know they were absolutely groomed into it, because I was in their shoes not too long ago.
I have only been a former radqueer for a month, and I still have parts who still hold radqueer beliefs (we are working towards helping them heal.)
Its even worse when they're syskids, because its even worse because that system probably groomed that syskid into it.
#tw grooming#vent in the tags#i was doomscrolling again today..#it doesnt help that im just.. not in a decent headspace after a nasty flashback#and that we're nearing a trauma anniversary#specifically of when we were admitted into the hospital a full 24 hours after an attemlt#attempt*#☕{not the host}.#anti radqueer#anti ship#anti trace#anti transage#anti transabled#anti transid#anti transx#anti transautistic#former radqueer
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travel anxiety diary: i think my therapist will be delighted to hear that so far almost everything that could go wrong, did go wrong ٩(× ×)۶
i’m taking back what i said about being one of Miyazaki’s protagonists, rn i just want to be a background character whose only struggle is to hold two full paper bags of cheese and nothing else
no hardest battles for the most anxious soldiers, just cheese
#vent in the tags#i might have to open comms once i’m back because we’ve been hit with such unexpected expenses that make me sick thinking about it 🫠#which kinda sucks because i’ve been really looking forward to writing for ME#2023 got hands and i’m getting a little tired ;;#telling myself through gritted teeth that everything is gonna be okay#trying to kiki it#lale.txt
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leon s kennedy would definitely be the kind of guy to physically overexert himself and take on as much of the labor he can because he feels bad if he doesn't. even if it's fair share, he's gotta jump in and help out.
dead tired, exhausted. who cares if he's being taken advantage of and used because the other party(s) know he'll do whatever he's asked. he feels bad. he feels like he isn't doing enough.
#resident evil#hi lol this is a vent#capitalism culture is making you feel like you're never doing enough#and you know it's bullshit but!#tfw toxic masculinity pressures too#and your boss thinks that you should take on all of the physical labor because you're a man who cares if you physically cannot#and retaliates by punishing you with more and more bcuz you went to hr and politely asked if they could convince her to chill tf out-#vent in the tags#but i mean this seems canon to leon bcuz he'll sacrifice himself for anyone#fuck that#brother!#gotta force yourself to stop and think 'fuck them if they get mad i've done enough'#imagining leon being so weak he's stumbling and shaking#but then goes 'let me help with that' before passing out#leon's bitch ass is a people pleaser and he's convinced he's not!#'nah bro i just wanna help people weewoo imma cop'#nah bro ur into being stepped on!#where am i going with this idk#using my suffering to push on leon#no i dont go that far i just. feel bad if im not constantly-#anyway when i finally spoke up i started sobbin while hiding under some boxes lol#didnt realize how packed that bottle was!
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It’s hard being a sleepy boy in this Be Productive 24/7 Or Eat Shit And Die world
#vent in the tags#I wish I had the energy to stay awake as long as everybody else#I wish I didn’t have to take naps either#I wish I could sleep 8 hours straight and not fucked up choppy 3-4 hour intervals#I wish I wasn’t so tired all the damn time#*someone interrupts my nap just as I’m finally falling asleep* ‘whatever you have all night to sleep’#no the fuck I don’t 😭#I do my homework well into the night and then it takes forever to fall asleep and then I wake up a couple hours later anyway#and wait until I’m sleepy again and pray I can get some more sleep before my alarm goes off#I got like 3 hours total the other night and was a zombie throughout the day#I’m not lazy I’m perpetually exhausted jfc no wonder I’m so moody all the damn time
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tfw someone writes the exact fic you wanted to write/read/spent months crafting but its smutty so therefore you cannot enjoy it *eye twitching emoji*
#when. when you have the dumb notion you wanted to be the first to write it#despite planning to write fucking two years from now#like. of course someone got it eventually#but now I feel bad bc who else wants to read that concept am I right. but then I remember that one post#don’t think like their cake is better than mine. think HOLY SHIT TWO CAKES!#if people like it people will read it regardless if they’ve seen it before. we will have wildly different interpretations it is OKAY#I’ll forget about it in a few days but WOW. the feelings it gave me. but remember! HOLY SHIT TWO CAKES!#be heard#vent in the tags#I suppose
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School is draining any small motivation I had for art
or creativity in general
(tw: I got pretty much depressive in the tags but I needed to dump this somewhere and this may not be the best place but is where I feel better talking about my problems or insecurities, so feel free to ignore)
#vent in the tags#tw vent#i'm tired#and I hate that I'm tired#everytime I try to finish education is worst than the last time. my head can't take any sort of information from the class#no matter how many times they try to explain me or how many times I read and reread the same text#I can't focus. I can't memorize anything. I'm just sitting there in the classroom waiting for the 4 hours to finish to go back home#and spend the rest of the night just doing nothing. staring at the walls or doomscrolling till I have to go to bed and wake up again#for another day of fighting against an stupid anxiety attack in class because I'm going to fail this again#I hate school. I fucking hate it. the most boring stressing overwhelming way of learning#having the teacher talk for 1-2 hours straight and the student listening the whole time not saying anything is stupid#it's so fucking stupid they only want them to be mindless sheeps that only listen#because if you say anything 'no. you're wrong. I'm the teacher and I know better' fucking bullshit#this system is bullshit#and how am I supposed to study a whole school year of history. biology. math etc in less than 4 months??#everybody was like#'oh it's just 4 months and you'll be out of school!' 'in 4 months you'll get the education!' 'you can finish this in just 4 months!'#I fucking can't! I can't do this in such short time! I can't. focus. on 6. subjects at the same time. my brain can't!#and it's so fucking depressing. I have 4 opportunities to finish this. the longest it could take me is 2 years#I could just focus on 1 or 2 things each time but if I fail too many times I won't have another opportunity like this ever again#and I won't be able to finish highschool education and I. just. can't.#I'm tired of giving my biggest effort and not being enough. I'm tired of getting no satisfaction from any achievement I get#I hate so many things right now#and I have a lot more things in my head right now but I better shut up#you don't have to comfort me. it's ok. I'm not searching for confort. I just needed a place to dump my frustration or something#idk#you can ignore this#I might delete this later
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The only thing I miss about being 14
And that's on my gender shifting 3 months in on T 🤠
#vent in the tags#dude cuz I've been hella dysphoric all week.#i painted my nails black thinkin I'd feel fine but it just made me incredibly dysphoric#alsp got misgendered in a really public way the other day (on a day where my dysphoria was worse because of a pair of pants i was wearing)#(along with my nails)#and i can't find nail polish remover so ive just been tryin to chip off the nail polish#idek what i was thinking cuz like. my dysphoria around my hands has always been pretty fuckin bad#so what the fuck was i thinking with painting my nails??#just let the earth consume me at this point#mono stop venting#mono stop talking#vent#trans ftm#transgender#trans vent#ftm
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they should invent a brain that doesn't hate you tbh
#just blahs#this is ok to rb btw#vent in the tags#this is what happens to a guy when its best friend has been sick all week#and it doesn't have any other friends who its comfortable actually unmasking around#at least not irl#but shes fucking gone#n the brain is being mean about me not having friends and not being likable to all the actual people in my life#then everythings even worse bcs it had literally nothing to do from 11 30 to 2 15 and usually it'd spend that time talking to said friend#so that's fun#idk im just not doing very good
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Just waiting to see if my mom breaks another promise :D
#vent in the tags#Context: last weekend we went to the mall and- not realizing how late it was- had planned on going to Emerald City to look at comics#but since we would have gotten there when it closes she promised that we would go next weekend#well since “next weekend” is here I'm just waiting#But chances are she forgot#or she's gonna use my “needing to do schoolwork” as an excuse to not go#I'm just tired of everything relying on grades and school work#Oh yeah- we had MPA yesterday#and she kept asking if she should go#I kept saying that she can go if she wants#and then she asked if I wanted her to go#I wasn't able to be on my phone when she asked that#And she took my not answering as me not wanting her to go#Istfg I actually cried when I saw that message because it was my first MPA performance and I had already fucked up enough that night#and I needed her to be there (my dad was sick and couldn't go)#I hate when parents just assume shit#like- don't assume that bribing me with fucking money is gonna do shit for me. I DON'T CARE about money#I don't care about school#I hate the IB program but she won't let me drop out of it so I've been trying to fail myself out of it but goooood forbid I do that#weekends are supposed to be when we get a break from working and shit like that#but the past like- 4 weekends haven't been weekends#I never get a fucking break#and all this may seem like pathetic whining and bullshit but I swear I'm just tired of it all
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🙃🙃🙃
#did we accidentally trigger ourselves by watching a random anime?#yup#is this why we regularly struggle with new media?#did we 100% read 'abusive family' and click play anyway?#🤡🙃🙃🙃🤡#mild vent#vent in the tags
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they should invent a version of looking at tiktok comments on videos covering what's happening in palestine that doesn't turn your thoughts into those of a fucking jigsaw apprentice
#i saw a video of a girl that couldn't even be single digits years old crying because of being displaced in gaza#and some fuckass with his FULL NAME in his handle was like 'she's 'crying' but i don't see any tears... i'm not so easily fooled 👋'#like. i try to practice kindness and graciousness in my life#but. that being said. jesus FUCKING christ I hope you die via impalement over and over again forever#mine#vent in the tags#palestine
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okay time to reblog a bunch of nenekasa to distract from that
#I saw the email from Tumblr that I got those asks and i felt sick the whole day but now that I answered them I should hopefully feel better#vent#tw vent#vent in the tags#I keep on forgetting since prsk tumblr roleplay and shitposts I actually have followers and mutuals and will actually be perceived#suuuuper shitty
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I'm subbing for my sibling4's class today and her friends told her "your sister is the coolest!" and she corrected them and told them I use they/them pronouns 🥺
#to be fair i dont mind the use of feminine terms in this setting#and i prefer ms over anything else#i also have separated the term 'girl' in my mind from societal expectations for the most part#at this point 'girl' to me is just a system of safety#of solidarity in knowing i can approach another 'girl' for help should i ever need to#i guess i trust afabs more bc they understand more of what ive been through#the pain the suffering the insecurities forced on us by society?#all of that#a lot of that an amab might never truly be able to identify with#and i know thats a point of tension in the gay community#so im not gonna say much more on it#vent#rambles#vent in the tags#whoops#misgendering
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I slept for 12 hours and I am So Tired still. I don't know how I'm supposed to go home and get to work tomorrow knowing that this is happening back home.
#vent in the tags#tw for death and eating disorders#my mom hasnt been taking care of herself because my grandma has needed her#hospice says my grandma could pass anywhere from a day to a week from now. shes not doing well.#my mom is refusing to eat or sleep more than a few hours at a time because she wants to be here with her#its stressing ne o u t and i have to go back to my state today for work
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