How Authors Write Fictional Wars

Some of our favorite novels include wars. They might stretch over a trilogy or build within a single book. Writing one might seem staggering, but it just takes a different planning approach. Use these tips to write a fictional war for your next story and make your readers feel like it really happened.

Foundational Factors to Consider

1. Your Opposing Sides

Wars always have at least two opposing sides. Start there and develop them before deciding if you need a third or fourth side involved. Cover details like:

What does each side want?

What would each side settle for?

What is each side’s worst-case scenario?

What is each side’s hard no? (What wouldn’t they sacrifice or do to win their cause?)

2. Who Supports the Opposing Sides and Why

As a war progresses, each side loses resources. They start running out of money, soldiers, and whatever public support they had when they started the war due to citizens losing their loved ones or sacrificing for the cause.

Your protagonist and antagonist will need to ask for help eventually. Who would support them and why?

There are numerous reasons why someone might pick one side of a war over another. Politics and economics are often the first things leaders consider. The morality behind each side is another factor.

Consider the American Revolution. Many historians believe America would have lost without France sending money, troops, food, and supplies. Why would France support a budding nation over Great Britain? People argue it was because the French:

Wanted to humiliate the British king

Wanted to hurt their British military rival by partnering with America

Wanted to weaken the British kingdom by ending the colonial taxes they benefited from

Wanted to gain power on a global standing by overcoming Great Britain and rising as America’s first ally

These reasons are great examples of what your novel could include. Another country, kingdom, or group could rise in sudden support for your protagonist or antagonist, ultimately throwing chaos into the determined path of war for better or worse.

3. The War’s Terrain

People can break into battle almost anywhere, depending on your fictional world. Your characters could fight:

On land

On sea

In space

In the air

Underground

Online

Some terrain also comes with other considerations. If your war happens on an ocean, will storms and hurricanes affect battles or the ultimate outcome? How will the soldiers and leaders on both sides deal with the weather?

Note these possibilities as you plan your novel. You can add them in as background or crucial plot devices once you have a skeletal structure in place for your story.

Need help remembering everything you’ve imagined? Try making a map and keeping it wherever you write.

4. What Would Make Each Side More or Less Powerful

There’s always something that could give one side an advantage over the other. It’s often in an unexpected way, although you could make the advantage a goal. The bad guys might feel confident in their ability to win, but they have a secret mission to develop a new weapon just to give them a greater advantage.

Other factors to consider would be one side or another doing something like:

Discovering or enacting a magic system

Eliminating a crucial resource their enemy depends on

Removing funding that makes their enemy able to fight by befriending or overcoming their enemy’s financial backers

Changing the positive or negative public perception of the other side’s reason for fighting to change national morale

Doing something that makes one side’s leaders more or less moral (which could change public perception, the soldiers’ vigor, the leadership’s advisory team together, etc.)

6. What Kinds of Conflict You’ll Write

There are two types of basic conflict you’ll likely write when navigating a fictional war. You may not need both if your story is shorter, but adding both makes the plot more realistic.

First, there’s external conflict. You’ll have at least two opposing sides on some kind of battlefield, sneaking around on spy missions, planning surprise attacks, etc.

Secondly, there’s internal conflict. Soldiers might start fighting amongst each other, people in leadership positions could lose trust in each other, citizens might turn on their country’s cause for one reason or another, etc.

7. What Weaponry Your Characters Will Use

The weapons used in your war depend on numerous factors. It will draw from the genre you’re writing, the time period your story takes place, the advancements made in each civilization’s weaponry prior to the war, and any advancements made while the war goes on.

Examples of these could be:

Guns

Swords

Bows

Bombs

Drones

Armed ships

Armed space ships

You should also consider if one side’s weaponry is more likely to change during the course of the war. That’s more plausible if your story or characters change locations where regional cultures use different weapons. Also if the war spans years, people will naturally develop new weaponry during that time.

If you want extra details to daydream about, think about which weapons will become outdated during your story. Some will prove less useful due to complicated usage or cleaning. They also may not work, like if your science fiction characters follow their enemy underwater, but their laser guns require a dry atmosphere to function.

Include Emotional Plot Arcs

Writing always involves some kind of emotional work that results in a plot arc. It keeps the reader engaged by evoking their core feelings. That’s what makes a novel different from a textbook (in a very basic sense).

Work on details like these to find what emotions will be most present and relevant to your story:

Your overall theme

Your characters and what they experience

The action your characters will go through

How the above action will change your characters by affecting their loved ones

What your characters’ goals mean to them emotionally

If your characters’ will undergo things that change their perception of their world, leaders, country, or themselves

You don’t need all of these things to have an emotional plot arc, but they’re relatable human elements that can drive your plot right into your readers’ hearts.

Avoid Some War Story Tropes

Tropes have a bad reputation that I don’t think is entirely deserved. People recognize them as overdone stereotypes, but sometimes they’re useful.

When you’re writing a war, you’re going to have necessary tropes like:

The hero

The unit or squad

The antagonist

What they undergo and who they become is how you make them fresh concepts for your readers.

Some tropes aren’t helpful because they’re what readers expect from every story. If you give them what they expect, your story isn’t as engaging (unless you get the occasional reader who exclusively reads war novels and never tires of overdone tropes).

Keep these in mind as things to avoid, unless you have an ingenious way to make them a brand-new experience:

One soldier dying in another’s arms

A character dying by going out “in a blaze of glory”

Characters using guns in ways that are obviously wrong (i.e., firing more bullets than the gun-type/model holds)

Getting military rank incorrect (if your characters exist in a real-world, already existing military structure)

Injury-proof characters (even your protagonist will eventually encounter some physical harm, whether it’s illness in bad weather or getting shot on a battlefield)

You can check out this great resource to discover more tropes to avoid/consider as you draft your plot outline. 

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If it feels like writing a war over the course of a book or a series is challenging, you’re not alone. There’s a lot to consider to make it have an engaging flow.

Keep notes on things like these to develop your story as much as possible before starting your first draft. You can always go back and add or edit things out as needed while developing it. Writers do this all the time—you don’t need to get any manuscript perfect on your first try.

friendly competition hcs ; poly julie & wally

requested by ; anonymous (11/05/23)

fandom(s) ; welcome home

fandom masterlist(s) ; here

character(s) ; julie joyful, wally darling

outline ; “Headcanons of Julie and Wally secretly battling for reader’s attention?

Reader is in a poly relationship with both but Julie and Wally are competing to win the title of favorite s/o out of the two (even though reader loves them both so much).

Nothing too violent, they all love each other but these two goobers do silly things to try and be the favorite because they just love s/o so much 🙏”

warning(s) ; silly rivalry between lovers, fluff

your relationship with your partners was, in a word, blissful — filled with endless compassion and frequent sleepovers and nights spent staring up at the stars and talking about anything and everything under the sun

you all loved each other dearly and equally, but that didn’t mean that your boyfriend and girlfriend didn’t get competitive at times

they engage in silly rivalries and meaningless competitions to get your attention and it seems like every week opens with a new strange scheme to gain your favour

it’s peculiar, but definitely flattering

like you could all be cuddled up in bed — wally lounging on his back with one arm around your waist and julie resting her head on your chest whilst tracing patters on your stomach — and they’ll find something the quietly bicker about

it can start off with wally saying something like ‘you’re prettier than any painting, (name)’

and then julie will one-up him by saying something like ‘you’re more beautiful than the night sky’

and they go back and forth exchanging compliments for you whilst glaring across your body at each other — catching you very thoroughly in the crossfire whilst they compare you to everything from the constellations to the paintings of old masters to the natural awe of an untouched desert oasis

another example was when you were over at julie’s house doing some baking and you’d mentioned your favourite baked good to them offhandedly

they shared a look and immediately set to trying to make the best version of that baked good whilst trying to sabotage each other — leaving you to potter around with your own plan whilst they went to war

the great neighbourhood bake-off — which ended with them both caked in flower, with icing in julie’s hair and wally’s trousers splotched with jam

it was a mess but their dishes were delicious so really there was no way for you to lose in that particular battle

they bicker over breakfasts in bed and compete over who can spoil you the most on your birthday — who can get the best gifts, who can wrap those gifts the best, who made the best food, etc.

anyone who gets in the way is sure to end up terribly confused

but despite it all, it’s still abundantly clear how much you all love each other

julie will still always greet wally with a tight hug and a kiss, wally will always share his favourite things with her, and you’ll always make time for your weekly dates

and you and wally will always have a soft spot for your adorable, brightly coloured girlfriend and will let her decorate you to her heart’s content — even if the new hairdo doesn’t necessarily suit you

just because they scramble over each other over who gets to be the first one to kiss you or the last one to say ‘i love you’ each night, doesn’t mean that they love each other any less

because they adore each other, they just happen to both adore you and adore being competitive over trivial things at the same time

and the title of ‘favourite spouse’ is just too dang appealing to pass up

(even if you always insist that you’ll love them both equally no matter what; they already own your heart and you can’t have more than 100%)

23 please!

absoooolutely! combining from your other ask, you requested plantseeker. ~700 words (these keep getting longer and longer i'm so sorry). no rating, but cw for moderate world-building angst.

ghost town - the specials

They should’ve known it wouldn’t end with Voldemort. By the time he died, there were too many on his side who had “seen the light." Too many idealistic torch bearers who understood a proper legacy only starts at death. Sure, a fair few of them had been Imperiused, but most hadn’t. Most hadn’t ever gotten close enough to see the crippling fear at the heart of him, the way the Malfoys had. 

Harry stubs his cigarette with the toe of his boot. “Foolish of them to run,” he says. 

Neville glances up from the map he’s been poring over. Harry’s no good with proper maps, turns out. One of life’s little jokes. 

“According to this,” Neville says, pointing a nail-bitten finger at a group of wavy lines on the paper. “There are caves here, here, and… here.” 

“Lucius Malfoy? In a cave?” Harry snorts. He reaches into his jacket for his cigarettes. 

Only one left. Damn. 

“You have any better ideas?” Neville asks, eyebrows raised. His gaze drifts to Harry’s hands as he lights the cigarette with the tip of his wand. 

“Want?” Harry asks, holding it out between them. Smoke curls straight up. A cold, windless, empty day. Neville shakes his head. Harry sniffs. “Sorry, love. You’re right. It’s a good start. At least then we can say we’ve checked, whenever Robards gets around to asking.” 

They’ve been working this case for so long now that their lives are growing around it, covering it like tree bark over concrete. As one example, when they started this case they were just friends. Years spent undercover, roaming the continent in pursuit of something just out of reach… well. It’s enough to test anyone. 

And that’s the brilliant thing about Neville. He stands up to testing. Life hasn’t been easy, since the war. They had a month to lick their victory wounds before Death Eater cells began popping up on the continent and the Americas. Voldemort had been writing a manifesto, and the Death Eaters who survived the war spread it far and wide, where it has been burrowing into the wizarding community ever since. 

The virus has spread too far for containment, now. Their best hope is to capture cells with name recognition and… Harry’s not sure what. He’s made a point of not asking. Their job is to track the cells, capture the names on their list, and return them to the British Ministry. Alive. The problem is, it’s been three years and they haven’t crossed a single name off their list. 

Harry keeps trying to admit they’ve lost. Neville won’t let him. 

“I didn’t lose hope when we held down Hogwarts from the Room of Requirement, and I’m not losing hope now,” he always says, with that look on his perfect round face, like anything is possible if they believe hard enough. Sometimes Harry thinks about how he ever doubted Neville belonged in Gryffindor. It makes him want to spit. 

And now those steady brown eyes look into Harry’s with all the trust in the world, and Harry doesn’t know whether he wants to kiss him or push him down the cliff. Being loved – carrying someone’s heart and holding it near – is a chore, Harry thinks. Or maybe that’s not right. Maybe it’s wonderful, and Harry’s just too broken and tired to understand. 

It all makes sense at night, when Neville holds his face between those massive, calloused hands and makes everything feel okay, makes Harry believe they really will win this. Neville is the light at the end of the tunnel, bright and smiling and able to see a future Harry can’t yet, because he’s just not close enough. All he needs is to take a few steps forward, and—

“Ready, Harry?” Neville asks, crouched next to him near the entrance of cave number one. 

“Reckon so,” Harry says, instead of the truth. “You’ll be right behind me?”

“Always,” Neville says. Harry can feel him getting into position, ready to attack. The magic in his wand vibrates against the small of Harry’s back. “Let’s finish this and go back home.” 

Harry reaches for his hand, squeezing it once before readying a Protego. Neville squeezes back. 

“Home.” 

(give me a number 1 - 100 & i'll write you a drabble based on the corresponding song on my spotify wrapped)

Trials 1:40-44 part 1

Well, here it finally fucking is.  Part 1 of the monster that is The Hinterlands ChapterTM .  I had to break it into two chapters to prevent both myself and you guys from losing our minds.  I’ll post the next part soon when I’m done editing.  Part 1 gives everyone some time to shine, but Lilith is a major player, so get hype for that.  Link to AO3 as always :) (x)

Having signed your life away to a group of religious fanatics (nice going, Ava, you dumbass), you are immediately put to work.  There are 1,001 problems that need to be solved, and most of them seem to be in the Hinterlands.  Dora explains in a succinct, tactical way that the area has become the central battleground of the Mage-Templar war.  This is because the region is huge, and neither side has the numbers to control it all.  The rebel mages have based themselves in Redcliffe with the permission of the Arl and King Alistair, while the Templars have holed up in a fortress called Therinfal Redoubt on the opposite end.  Both sides have camps and patrols spread throughout the area, harassing and even killing locals, burning down houses, and disrupting trade.

You are charged with somehow stopping all of it.  Or “remedying the situation” as Mother Superion puts it.  She bids you to seek out a Revered Mother named Giselle who is supposedly active in the area.  Gaining her support will supposedly lend the Inquisition credibility to play nice with the Chantry and get them to maybe not excommunicate you all (not that you care, but everyone else says it would be bad, so you’re outvoted).  Additionally, if you can get the rebels and Templars to back the fuck off for even a minute, it will supposedly win you massive public support.  That’s a lot of supposedly’s, fuck.

But, you go.  Everyone goes, actually.  Beatrice makes the excellent point that the Hinterlands are so massive that no one team can possibly handle it all.  So, after a day of preparations, you set out on the march with Beatrice, Mary, Lilith, Camila, and Solas in tow.  Mother Superion elects to stay behind with Dora to manage things while you’re gone, but she sends a number of scouts and soldiers ahead of you to assess the situation and do reconnaissance until you get there.

You have never marched anywhere before, so this trek is more than a little difficult for you.  Lilith scoffs when you get tired easily and Mary teases you when you trip over your own feet, but Beatrice helps you back up each time you stumble, and Camila does her best to boost morale as you go along.

You learn little things about each of them along the way.  Camila is a kickass archer babe, but she’s also a really good singer.  She makes the long walks go faster by singing an upbeat tune, and when you all camp out for the night, her voice lulls you to sleep after you collapse on your bedroll.  Mary performs routine checks on her crossbow, oiling and testing all of its mechanisms before bed each night.  She also enjoys wood-carving, taking any moment of sitting down to whip out a half-finished block of wood and work on it.  She won’t tell you what it’s going to be, though, insisting that you’ll have to wait and find out.  Lilith trains constantly.  She’s always swinging at something, hacking apart some foe only she can see.  It works for her, clearly, but sometimes after you slow the group down a little too long with how many breaks you need, you think the enemy she’s swinging at is you.  Solas is a quiet traveling companion.  He will talk, ask questions, and make observations occasionally, but overall he seems content in silence.  You can feel him looking at you though, still trying to figure you out, so you avoid him more often than not.

As for Beatrice… Beatrice writes.  A lot.  She takes notes.  On everything.  You look over her shoulder one night and find her writing in detail about some fish you saw jumping out of a stream, cataloging their characteristics to determine their edibility.  She writes about the weather, she inventories your provisions, and she takes extremely diligent, highly-detailed notes on any combat situations you come across.  

(And you have found a few.  It’s nothing crazy, but brigands hide along the roads to ambush travelers, and they don’t spare your group despite the obvious Don’t Fuck With Us energy you’re giving off.  Fighting people is not the same as fighting demons.  It’s harder, both because people are smarter than demons and because people are harder to kill.  For you, at least.  The others don’t seem to have any qualms about it.  In fact, Lilith is partial to mocking you when you hesitate to strike a killing blow.  The others just repeat that it will be worse when you actually get to the Hinterlands, like that settles the matter.)

Beatrice writes about all of it.  And when she’s not writing, she’s reviewing.  You’re starting to get a little worried about her neck with how much time she spends per day slouched over her notebook.

You think she may also be writing about you.  It’s just a hunch, but sometimes you catch her looking at you too, not like Solas does, or not exactly like he does.  She's also trying to figure you out, but for different reasons (you hope).  Mainly, she just seems to be concerned for you, but you’ve definitely seen her reaching for her notebook out of the corner of your eye.  Although you are desperate to ask, you keep quiet in present company.  Lilith still watches you like you might attack them at any moment.  Mary watches you too, with something like sadness in her gaze, or regret, or worry.  On a bitter note, you know from listening to her story why she seems so familiar to you, but getting into that is not something you have the energy for right now.

So no, you won’t ask here.  Instead, you’ll crack a joke (what do you call a pig that catches the Blight?), make up a pun, or just distract everyone by falling on your face again.  Whatever works to make them look at you rather than through you.

At least your Friend treats you the same.  You think She may be enjoying this time in the world.  You can feel it when She focuses on something, studying it, and you can almost visualize Her looking over your shoulder and taking in the mortal plain, which must be completely bizarre to Her.

And it’s not all bad, really.  It's beautiful and exciting, surprising and challenging.  You’re getting to do a lot of things you never dreamed of before, like camping (hard to adjust to, but fun), eating hot food (Mary smacks your hand away from messing things up every time she and Camila cook dinner), and using magic again.  To your delight, Beatrice agrees to teach you some spells, starting with basic stuff you kind of remember like barrier spells and elemental barrage spells.  You ask her to teach you an immolation spell, and she agrees, but only once you reach the Hinterlands where there will be enough space to practice with it.  Solas chimes in from time to time with tips and advice of his own, and he even teaches you how to dispel an enemy’s magic and protect your allies from hostile magical effects.

And as he predicted, you also learn more about the power your bond with Hope gives you.  You start to recognize the feeling that comes right before you phase through an attack, and you think if you ever get a moment’s peace that you can learn to do it on purpose.  You also levitate again, which is terrifying at first.  A hulking brute of a guy picks you up at one point and chucks you into the air like a child's ball.  You brace yourself for a painful landing only to never hit the ground.  Instead, you hover two feet above it, limbs flailing, until you lose focus or something and crash down on your ass.  Your bruised tailbone is healed by the time the fight ends.

At one point, you discover something entirely new.  While you’re stuck battling a large group, someone jumps out of the brush to ambush you from behind.  You don’t hear them sneak up, too distracted pushing another one away from Camila.  They almost bury a knife in your shoulder when they are suddenly thrown backward, buffeted by a propulsive wave of energy that makes the trees behind you shake.  You spin around to find them lying in a boneless heap on the ground, breathing but unmoving.

“Instinctual defense,” Solas comments, far too casually for how he’s currently grappling with a man twice his size.  “Later on, we can try to harness that deliberately.”  Let it never be said he isn’t an enthusiastic teacher.

Eventually, you do make it to the Hinterlands, and yes, it is worse.  So much worse.  You’re shocked by it, and you didn’t think you could be shocked by violence anymore.  It’s horrific.  The rebels and Templars tear each other apart in the smoke of burning farms while refugees starve and freeze to death in overcrowded camps, hemmed in by threats on all sides.  The summary report you receive from Scout Harding doesn’t even scratch the surface.

You find Mother Giselle after cutting a bloody path to the Crossroads refugee camp, and you don’t need her to tell you how dire things are when you arrive.  You listen, of course, as she explains the general situation and makes several suggestions for how you can help, even as you begin to fear that your best efforts will barely be a drop in the bucket.

You approach the task at hand via a series of delegations, per Beatrice’s suggestion.  The refugees need food and blankets, the camps need watchtowers to guard against approaching threats, and the Inquisition needs horses.  There are also Rifts everywhere, spewing out demons in alarming numbers.  So, divide and conquer.  You send Camila with a group of scouts to hunt for food and pick up supplies, and Lilith agrees to travel with some soldiers to capture several lumber yards for the watchtowers.  

You, Mary, Beatrice, and Solas set out to get the horses and close any Rifts you happen to find.  The horsemaster, Dennet, initially refuses to help you until you complete another series of tasks for him.  You want to tell him to take his horses and fuck off, but Beatrice gently, firmly, reminds you that the Inquisition desperately needs mounts and cannot afford to piss off the man who both provides and trains them.  So you go, stopping a pack of demon-controlled wolves and closing a Rift tucked inside a cave.  Every time you close a Rift, you feel a little stronger.  Not physically (Mary won’t stop calling you a wet noodle) but magically.  It’s as if the Mark lets you take some of the Rift’s energy back into yourself, a kind of victor’s prize.  It hasn’t had a noticeable impact yet, but you think if you keep closing Rifts, it might pan out somewhere down the line.

After completing all of his requests, Dennet finally agrees to give you horses, so you return to the Crossroads that night feeling pretty accomplished.  Camila returns with a similar tale of success, having swept a span of several miles to procure ram’s meat and blankets aplenty.  Even Lilith sits down at your cookfire with an air of satisfied smugness, talking proudly of how she reclaimed enough wood for an entire set of watchtowers.

Mother Giselle pulls you aside as your group begins to settle down.  “It is exceedingly honorable, what you have done today,” she says, and unlike Duretti, you find her Orlesian accent to be quite pretty.  “Where others have stood by, paralyzed by fear or apathy, you have stepped forward to be a light in darkness.”

You blush a little and rub your neck, unsure how to respond to such praise.  “I’m just glad we could help,” you settle on.

“You have done more than that,” she asserts.  “You have restored a spark of hope in the hearts of the people, a rare accomplishment in these dark times.”  As if beckoned, your Friend is at your shoulder, regarding Mother Giselle with a thoughtful hum.  “Allow me to speak plainly with you now.  I have heard the Chantry’s denouncement, and I am familiar with those behind it.  I won’t lie to you.  Some of them are merely grandstanding, vying for favor, trying to increase their chances of becoming the next Divine.  Others are simply terrified.”  Grief twists at her mouth, making her seem far older than she appears.  “So many good people, senselessly taken from us.  I understand their fear, as it is my own.”

“What happened was awful,” you agree, though it sounds paltry leaving your mouth.  “I’d be lying pretty hard if I said I wasn’t afraid too,” you admit quietly.

Giselle nods.  “Fear makes us desperate, but hopefully not beyond reason.  Go to them.  I will send my blessing on the swiftest hawk.  Go and convince the remaining clerics you are no demon to be feared.”

You balk at that, shifting nervously from foot to foot.  “Yeah, I don’t know that that’s going to work, Mother.  They seem pretty convinced already.”

“They have heard only frightful tales of you.  Give them something else to believe,” Giselle instructs calmly.

“You really want me to try and appeal to them?  ‘Cause I’ve gotta say, I wasn’t really up for having a friendly chat with them before this all started, and I’m definitely not now.  No offense.”

“If I thought you were incapable, I would not have suggested it,” she says, almost smiling.  “You do not need to convince them all.  You just need some of them to doubt.  Their power lies in their unity.  Take that from them, and you will see that I am right.”

“That’s… actually pretty cunning, Mother.”

You think her eyes might twinkle, but maybe it’s just the firelight.  “It never hurts to approach life with prudence and shrewdness, so long as those traits do not give way to pride or cruelty.”

“Thank you,” you say genuinely.  And then, because it seems important, you add, “I honestly didn’t expect much when coming here.  I didn’t think anyone still in the Chantry would give a mage a fair shake, or a non-believer.”

Mother Giselle considers these words.  “I do not know if you have been touched by Fate or were sent to help us, but… I hope.  Hope is what we need now.  The people will listen to your rallying call.  You could build the Inquisition into a force to deliver us, or destroy us.  Do not fall prey to pride, my child, nor despair.  You may not believe in the Maker, but I hope you will believe in the rightness of your actions today, and make it the core of your cause.”  She tucks her hands behind her back, standing tall.  “I will send my blessing and then go to Haven to deliver Sister Suzanne the names of those in the Chantry who would be amenable to a gathering.”

You blink in surprise.  “Are you able to leave at a time like this?”

She nods certainly.  “Thanks to the Inquisition, the people here are in better hands than I alone could provide.  I will go now to where my two wrinkled ones can do the most good.”

She leaves you then to return to your campfire, and Beatrice looks up curiously at your return.  “What did the Revered Mother have to say?”

“She’s going to Haven,” you explain.  “She’s going to help us convince the Chantry to cool it on the denouncement.”

Beatrice also seems surprised by that, but uplifted.  “She’ll be a great help.  She’s very charismatic, and a persuasive writer.”

“How do you know that?”

Beatrice flushes, realizing her critical error and looking away from you quickly.  “She’s written some treatises,” she admits shyly.  “And I’ve been present for some of her services.”

“Wait…” You grin widely, seeing an opportunity you can’t pass up.  “Are you a fan of hers, Beatrice?”

“I am no such thing!”  She scoffs, trying to sound indignant.  “I simply hold a deep respect for her good works and her faith.”

“Riiight.  You know, I could go talk to her again,” you tease, sidling up next to her.  “I’m sure she wouldn’t mind giving me an autograph for you.  Unless you want to ask her yourself?”

She gasps adorably, smacking your arm.  “You are insufferable!”

“But yoouuu liiike it,” you sing, wiggling your eyebrows and beaming.

She rolls her eyes, declaring “I’m going to bed now,” before promptly turning her back on you and heading to her tent, still blushing.

You just laugh, feeling lighter than you have all day, and saunter off to your tent too.

On your second day in the Hinterlands, you are faced with two significantly more daunting tasks than fetching horses and blankets: 1) closing more Rifts and 2) dealing with the blood-drunk idiots currently setting the forests on fire.

Closing Rifts is fairly straightforward.  You find one, kick demon ass, and wave your hand around until they stop appearing.  Getting the mages and Templars to cool off and quit slaughtering civilians is not so simple.  It quickly becomes apparent that negotiating or reasoning with either side is out of the question.  They attack on sight and refuse to back down until dead.  No matter who you encounter, you get called some variation of "Templar bastards" or "rebel scum", among other creative curses and slurs, and that simply doesn't work as an opener to productive conversations.

You hoped that the rebels would at least be more hesitant to attack, seeing a trio of their fellow mages among you, but your hopes were dashed, quickly and thoroughly, when one tried to impale you and Beatrice reduced him to char.  The Templars are even worse (wow, shocking), and you can tell that Lilith feels just as discouraged as you when she sees them acting like lowlife bandits, robbing houses and stealing wedding rings.  She’s not a Templar (Beatrice had briefly explained the difference to you one night as you both watched Lilith obliterate a helpless bush), but it's evident that she had hopes and expectations coming into this that were shot down just as harshly as yours.

(You catch her staring hard at a scrap of paper you find in an abandoned hunter’s camp.  Her face is like stone, but she clutches the note so tightly that the fragile paper warps and crinkles irreparably.  You watch her throw it on the ground and stalk off without a word to anyone.  Only once she’s a safe distance away, you pick it up and find that it’s a shakily written diary entry, doubtless inked by the hunter staying here.  It is a stricken account of a skirmish between the Templars and mages where several refugees were caught in the crossfire.  The hunter’s horror is apparent in every word, but as you read, you think you identify the passage that drove Lilith away.  “A refugee was still burning. His arm went up to a templar. The templar used his sword. It went up and down. Up and down. There were pieces of black.”  The worst part, to you, comes right after that, when the hunter recounts the Templar preparing to rape a dying woman, and the very last line leaves you chilled.  “I want it to go out of my head please, Maker.  I been good, I want it to go out of my head.”)

You have to find the main camps for both sides and clear them out.  If nothing else, this will stop the attacks on the locals, but the secondary goal is to be an assertion of the Inquisition's power, a show of force to both sides that says "We're in charge now".  This is how Dora frames the situation at least, in a letter that arrives on the eve of the third day.  Strictly speaking, you'll be in charge of nothing but Haven and a few refugee camps, but it's the message that counts.

There’s an argument over the fire that night about which group you should focus on first.  Lilith argues (wrongly) for hunting down the mages first while you argue (correctly) for finding the Templars.  Beatrice, to your surprise, agrees with Lilith, calmly explaining that the combined magic of so many volatile mages running loose is the greater threat, but Camila sides with you, pointing out that from everything you’ve found so far, the Templars are the ones doing the most harm to the innocent.  Solas doesn’t comment on either position, seemingly neutral, but Mary shuts you all down while testing the tension in her crossbow string.

“We don’t know shit about where either side is camping out,” she says.  “We’ve got nothing to go on.  Until we do, focusing on one will just make us sloppy and give the other time to regroup.  We have to be smart about this.”  Since your group has an even six, she suggests splitting up, and claims authority to divide you into teams as follows: Lilith, Beatrice, and Camila on one, and you, her, and Solas on the other.  Her directive after that is simple: walk around and look for shit.  “But don’t even think about rushing in somewhere without getting the rest of us first.”  At first you think she’s saying this to you, but she actually looks at Lilith, who rolls her eyes hard but doesn’t argue further.

You follow through with Mary’s plan the next morning after a breakfast of scrambled eggs and nut bread with jam that had been gifted to you by a merchant at the Crossroads (side note: you love eggs).  You, Mary, and Solas decide to investigate north of camp, back through the Crossroads to where rocky crags and unassuming caves could hide a small force with ease.  Lilith, Beatrice, and Camila head westward, where the river runs and offers many tempting spots to camp.  You agree collectively to regroup at your camp on Lake Luthias at nightfall.

You have to walk carefully as you make your way through the crags.  The terrain is uneven and prone to sudden dips and inclines.  You nearly twist your ankle stepping on a rock concealed under moss, and you wonder idly if Solas goes barefoot in order to avoid such mishaps.

You find nothing in the crags themselves, save for the odd, tiny cave where the occasional spider or smuggler stash sits.  Druffalo lumber lazily past you, seemingly quite confident that you won’t attack them, but other than that your trek is uneventful.

About four hours into your search, during which time you cover a fairly impressive amount of ground, you stop for a snack before changing course toward the small cliffs and ponds further north of the crags.  Mary speculates that these might be more promising, as a consistent water supply would be important for any group settling in for an extended stay.  You keep hiking well into the afternoon, trying to be as thorough as possible.  The midday sun begins its descent in the west when you finally see it.  Something quite bizarre.  A giant pillar of ice sticks out the ground, standing some fifteen feet tall by your estimate, if not more.  More accurately, it sticks out a frozen pond a little bit larger than your camp, where it is joined by several others.

Mary stops you in your tracks when she notices this too, making you duck low and move to the side, toward a cluster of large rocks overlooking the water.  The three of you take cover there, peeking your heads up carefully to survey the scene.

The pond is thoroughly frozen.  The ice is apparently thick enough to walk on, as eight armed men are currently walking on it with careful steps.  They are armored, but they don’t bear any identifiable symbol or emblem.  They appear to guard the entrance to some kind of cave nestled into the rocky wall that towers over the pond.

“Those are sellswords,” Mary says confidently.

“How do you know?”

“They’re dressed like soldiers, but there’s no consistency in their gear.  Organized armies like to have all their guys wear the same stuff.  These guys don’t have that.  They’re mercs, mark my words.”

“Does that help or hurt our chances?”

She frowns.  “Too early to say.  But they don’t wear the colors of any of the well-known companies, so they’re probably just small-timers.”

The entrance to the cave is blocked by a magical barrier, warping the air and glowing bright green.  At first, it doesn’t seem particularly daunting, but Solas frowns when he sees it.

"We will not be able to penetrate that barrier," he explains when you ask.  "It is too powerful."

"How can that be?"

He scratches his chin thoughtfully.  "Likely, they are using a talisman or rune of some kind to keep it in place, something they can activate or deactivate as necessary."  He hums.  “It requires a certain level of training to create, so I would hazard a guess that one of the mages inside is experienced and likely Circle-trained, if not more.”

Mary curses softly.  "So how do we get inside then?"

Solas hums, looking hard at the swirling currents of the barrier, analyzing them.  "A difficult problem, which may require a creative solution.”

You all puzzle over this for a time, squinting at the barrier and biting your lip.

"Well, what if I try to go through it?” You ask.

Solas tilts his head.  “How so, Ava?”

"When we talked, you said that Hope could help me overcome otherwise impassable obstacles.”  He begins to smile, catching on quickly to your meaning.

‘"You want to phase through it?"

You shrug.  “I dunno.  It’s worth a try.”

“What are you two talking about?” Mary asks, sounding a little irritated.

You turn to her, starting to feel the tiniest bit excited.  “Mary, remember when we fought that huge demon at the Breach, and it almost hit me?”

Mary frowns.  “Yeah, that damn near gave me a heart attack.”

“But it didn’t hit me,” you explain.  “Because I phased through it.  My body changed so that its claw went right through me.  I can pass through things, or things can pass through me, if I phase.”

“It’s true, Mary,” Solas confirms when she looks skeptical.  “And when I think about it further, I have a good feeling that Ava would be able to phase through the barrier if she tried.”

She looks at you.  “And that’s one of your… things with your buddy, is it?”

You frown right back at her.  “Yes, I can do it thanks to my Friend.”  Mary just shakes her head.  “Why not?”

“It’s dangerous, kid,” Mary says, not ungently.  “You barely know anything about your whole deal with this spirit.  You don’t know how volatile it could be.”

“With all due respect, Mary, I believe this is a negative overreaction,” Solas says.  “Ava will not become an abomination simply by phasing through a barrier.”

“You don’t know that,” Mary insists, shutting you down before you can argue.  “No, we’re scrapping that plan.  No more discussions.”  She tugs the back of your shirt and starts moving out from the rocks.  “We’re heading back to camp to talk to the others about all this.  Then, as a group, we’ll decide what to do.  No back-talk,” she growls when you open your mouth.  “Let’s go, we’re losing daylight.”  Solas gives you a commiserating look before helping you stand and follow Mary’s footsteps.

You find the other half of your group already sitting at the fire by the time you return, talking seriously while Camila stirs together a stew.

"Any luck?" You ask Beatrice, who is the first to notice your approach.

"We found the Templar camp," Lilith says before Beatrice can utter a word.  "They've claimed a section of the river running across the West Road, guarding it like brigands."  There is unmasked disdain in her voice, something you have yet to hear her express when talking about the Templars.  She's rubbing a rag along the blade of her sword with quick, harsh strokes, the only other sign of her anger.

"They seem to maintain a force of 50 at any given time, with the rest spreading out as we've seen." Beatrice picks up the telling from here.  "A mix of knights and archers, with 1 knight-captain presiding over them."

"Nice job," you compliment as you sit down in the spot next to her.  "How did you guys find the camp?"  In answer, Beatrice produces a number of rolls of paper from her bag and hands it to you before accepting a bowl of stew from Camila.

You unroll the notes and read.  The first thing you notice is the neatness of the handwriting.  Words inked by practiced fingers talk of the "call of the Maker" and "the Just" and "righteousness".  They urge all Templars to join them on the West Road.  One line in particular stands out to you, twisting your stomach, making you unable to eat despite how good the stew smells. "By their rebellion, they have forfeited their right to live.  They are not people, and any order that asks us to end this just and righteous battle is a lie."  They are not people.  They are not people.

"So they just left these for anyone to find?" You ask, swallowing against a sudden, bitter taste in your mouth.  "That's kind of dumb, isn't it?"

"Arrogant," Lilith corrects, still polishing with violent strokes.  "That's what they are.  Arrogant and senseless.  To shamelessly disobey the Lord Seeker?  To dare encourage their comrades to do the same?  It's unacceptable!"

Your brow furrows.  Okay, what's all that about?

As if reading your question off your face, Beatrice quietly points to the second note again.  You reread, and on the second pass you notice the mention of a Lord Seeker and his supposed directive to withdraw from the Hinterlands and instead gather in Val Royeaux.  The reason for this order isn't stated, but the author clearly thinks it isn't worth following.

"So they're going rogue."

“In a word, yes.”

"This knight-captain," Lilith growls, finally discarding the rag and not-quite slamming the sword back into its sheath.  "He will not dictate his own agenda against the order of the Seekers.  I will not allow it."

"Did you guys have any luck with the mages?" Camila changes the subject while taking one of Lilith’s hands and placing a bowl in it with a smile.  Surprisingly, Lilith quiets, abandoning whatever diatribe she was about to start and accepting the stew with a stilted "thank you".

"We found them," Mary confirms.  "But not much else."

"What do you mean?"

"They're hiding out in a cave," you explain, moving your spoon around, hoping your appetite will return if you do it enough times.  "Next to this pond northwest of the Crossroads.  It doesn’t look big from the outside, but we couldn't see inside to confirm."

"Why not?" Beatrice asks.

You shrug.  "Big magic barrier in the way.  We think we can get around it when the time comes…” Mary glares harshly at you.  “But we'll be stuck walking in blind regardless."

"They've got mercs guarding the entrance for them, though," Mary adds after watching to make sure you won’t mention your idea.  "Which makes me think there aren't as many hiding out in there as it seems."

"How do you figure that?" Asks Camila, finally sitting to eat her own portion.

"If you were a group of mages, drunk on power and itching for war, would you hire sellswords to fight your battles for you if you had the numbers to do it yourself?" Mary responds, drawing head shakes from everyone.  "Exactly.  They're not as unified as they look, at least not this offshoot. That's not a guarantee, of course, and we still have to kill the mercs before we go anywhere, but I'd bet 5 royals that there's a lot fewer of them than they've made it seem."

You are still left with the question of who to eliminate first.  You have more information on the Templars, but they might have more numbers.  The mages might be less organized, but you’ll be walking into a situation with no sense for how it will play out.  There’s also the how and when to consider.  Mary proposes attacking at night, but if you attack the mages you’ll not only be metaphorically in the dark but literally as well.

To your surprise, Lilith completely changes her tune from your morning argument, declaring strongly that you must defeat the Templars first.  You can tell by the others’ expressions that they are similarly taken off guard by this turn, all except Mary, who gazes at the Seeker with a quiet understanding.

“Okay, so we attack the Templars at night,” you say.  “Wait ‘til they’re all asleep and jump them in their tents?”

Beatrice shakes her head.  “If even one of them gets the space to sound the alarm, we’ll be doomed.  It’s too risky.”

“That’s if we just go in, swords-swinging,” Mary contends ponderously.  “If we could keep them off guard and off their game, then it won’t matter as much if they realize we’re doing it.”

“Allow me to make a suggestion,” Solas cuts in for the first time since you arrived back at camp.  He stands relaxed against a large rock, stroking his chin, his empty bowl long abandoned next to him.  “In my dreams, I once witnessed a battle in the Exalted Plains.  A small force was able to defeat a much larger one by spreading panic and chaos among their ranks.  They invaded the camp in the dead of night, dressed in dark clothing to hide from sentry torches, and carried with them small jars or oil and alcohol.  These they hid throughout the camp in unassuming places near wooden crates and tents, anything flammable.  They waited until the next night, and when the time came to strike, archers in their ranks struck the jars with flaming arrows.”

“Fire spreads, and suddenly it’s a free-for-all,” Mary concludes with a growing smirk.  “We strike in the middle of it and pick ‘em off like sheep.”

Solas grins and inclines his head.  “Indeed, Mary.”

It’s a good plan, provided you can pull it off.  You’ll need supplies, time, and luck on your side.  The first you should be able to acquire from the merchants at the Crossroads.  The second you’ll have so long as the Templars aren’t alerted to your movements in advance.  As for the third… Lilith insists that luck doesn’t determine the outcome of battles, diligent soldiers do, and just this once, you hope she’s right.

So it’s decided.  The Templars go down first.  You all sleep that night and head back to the Crossroads at dawn’s break.  It’s even easier than you expect to convince the merchants there to give you what you need.  They hand over two dozen jars of tarry black oil with barely a promise of compensation from the Inquisition.  One of them, a purveyor of hard liquors chased out of his distillery by the Templars, supplies you with a score of bottles of a Ferelden favorite called Dragon Piss.  Your ribs ache something fierce with the force of not laughing during the purchasing discussion, and Mary slaps you upside the head when you can’t stop making both dragon and piss jokes on the way back to camp.

The in-depth planning stage is next.  Beatrice, Lilith, and Camila collaborate to map out the camp from everything they remember.  Beatrice, predictably (adorably), pulls out her notebook and dictates to the other two as they attempt to draw on a roll of canvas also gifted by the merchants.  They plot out the clusters of tents and the position of each campfire, making tiny X’s wherever they identify a good place for a jar.  You, Mary, and Solas take charge of planning the attack itself.  The soldiers in Solas’s story only had flaming arrows to rely on, but you have that and three mages too.

“Your affinity for fire will be most helpful, Ava,” Solas says.  “You need no oil to set tents aflame, but you should perhaps focus on the cookfires throughout the camp.  They are all centrally located, and upending them will ensure the flames spread quickly and thoroughly.”

You think back to Beatrice’s promise to teach you an immolation spell, and see her look up from her notes to nod at you.  “Beatrice’s magic will help too,” you point out.  “There’s not much scarier than out-of-control fire and lightning bolts raining down from the sky.”

So it’s decided.  Camila, Mary, and Beatrice, deemed collectively to be the stealthiest of the group, are charged with placing the pots at midnight.  It’s a risky operation, one that will require them to leave most of their armor and tools behind, but Beatrice’s observations about the Templar patrol patterns provide windows for silent infiltration.  

That afternoon, Lilith and Mary travel with a band of scouts to transport the makeshift munitions.  There are unoccupied stone ruins close to the camp but not within its direct line of sight.  You can’t ask for a better hiding spot than that.  While they’re gone, Beatrice takes you to the lakeside to teach you the spell.

“You want to picture it in your mind,” she explains, steady and calm, standing next to you as you grip your staff and call fire to your fingertips.  “An eruption of flame.  See it surging up from the ground.  A gout.  A geyser.  Then, contain it.  Like a lid on a boiling pot, contain the surge.”  She reaches out to carefully adjust the height of your hand, her skin nearly as warm as the inferno waiting for your command.  “You have to hold it tight in order to position it properly.  Let it go too soon and it will ignite right under your feet.”

“Not interested in being a roast chicken,” you joke.

“You’d be the sorriest roast chicken I’ve ever seen.”

You drop your hand in shock, mana dissipating with your loss of focus, and your head whips around to stare at her.  Did she really just say that?  Sure enough, she’s looking at you with a tiny smirk, her eyes sparkling.  You put your hands on your hips with exaggerated indignance.  “Beatrice, are you implying that some snooty Orlesian chef wouldn’t want to serve this,” you wave pointedly at your figure, “up as a main course in some weird wine sauce?”

“Of course not, Ava,” she denies, but her smirk is growing.  “I was implying you wouldn’t even be an appetizer.”

You gasp, clutching at imaginary pearls.  “Rude!  Just for that, you don’t get to eat me no matter how good the wine sauce is!”

Your choice of words registers in your brain a second too late, threatening to stop your heart as you see them register with Beatrice too.  Her jaw drops, her smirk transforming into a surprised O, and heat that has nothing to do with fire magic paints her cheekbones pink.

Your own face feels like it’s being roasted.  You’re sure it’s bright red as you quickly look away from her, stuttering, “Uh!  I, um… Th-that came out wrong!  I wasn’t implying… anything!”

You see her suck in a soft inhale out of the corner of your eye, visibly composing herself.  “It’s fine,” she says, still sounding a little breathless.  “Let’s… get back to the spell.”

“Great!” You squeak, hastily turning back to the lake whose water continues to swirl serenely, unaware or indifferent to how you’ve just made an ass of yourself.  “So, containing it, right?  Until it’s in position?  Where should I aim it?”

She clears her throat loudly.  “Ahem, aim for the center of the water.  Then the flames won’t spread through the grass.”

“Right, got it.”  You force all of your attention onto the task at hand, thinking about lids on pots harder than you’ve thought of anything before.

You raise your hand toward the lake and call your magic again.  The flames come, dancing around your fingers, waiting for you to direct them.  You picture them moving out from you, gliding unseen across the surface of the water until they sit just above the center.  You can almost feel them tickle and spark against your palm as you hold them still in that spot, waiting, counting down from 5.  At zero, you let them go, and sure enough, an enormous blaze of fire bursts from thin air as if pulled from the lake itself.  It extinguishes immediately upon contact with the water, but you beam at your success, bouncing up and down on your feet.  “Did you see that, Beatrice?!”

“I did,” she confirms, her familiar, gentle smile back in place.  Some pink lingers in her cheeks, as you’re sure it does in your own, but the awkwardness of the previous moment has passed.  “Well done, Ava.  Let’s keep going.”

That’s how you spend the day until it’s time to execute the first part of the plan.  The rest of you travel with the chosen infiltrators as backup should anything go wrong.  Moving through the pitch darkness is fucking difficult as shit, to put it mildly, but Solas shows you how to conjure Veilfire in your palm as a makeshift torch, which makes avoiding uneven rocks and tree roots a little easier.  He doesn’t have an ounce of trouble moving through the dark, you notice.  Indeed, none of the others seem to either.  It’s a little infuriating.  You know you’re still getting used to walking again, but seriously, what’s the fucking secret?

The ruins on the West Road are about 200 yards from the camp, give or take 10 due to the various rocks and little hills that apparently break up the camp (you can’t see them, so you take Beatrice’s word for it).  Camila takes the lead when you arrive.  Small and quick, she sheds her extraneous items, keeping only a pair of daggers strapped to her thighs, and slinks into night.  Her first responsibility is to watch the sentries patrol and signal to Mary and Beatrice when to move.  You learn something else about Camila here, she’s apparently excellent at mimicking bird calls.

You wait in the ruins with Lilith and Solas, the former crouched on a worn chunk of debris, her eyes trained in the direction of the camp, unwavering, ready to charge at the first sign of something amiss.  The latter pays no attention to any of this, standing serenely in the center of the ruin, where the distant, twinkling stars can be seen through shattered stone.  His face is tilted toward the sky and his eyes are closed, almost like he’s listening to something.  You stand next to him, looking up at the stars.

“What do you know of the constellations, Ava?” He asks softly, without opening his eyes.

You shrug.  “Nothing, really.  That people think they exist, I guess.”

“You do not see them, I take it?”

“Nah.  You can’t make me believe that someone took those little dots and deliberately arranged them into dragons and boats for us to gawk at from down here.  If they did, they were kinda shit at their job.”

“Hmm, perhaps.  Still, deliberate or not, we may find valuable insights in those little dots, as you call them.  Peoples both ancient and modern have gazed at the sky and found meaning in its patterns, using them for navigation as well as religion and culture.  For instance, it was common practice in ancient Tevinter to create astrariums, magical tools designed to analyze each constellation in search of secrets.”

“Why?” You scoff.  “Did they have their fill of secrets here on the ground?  Were they so bored with their lives that they had to make up shapes out of lights they would never touch?”

Unexpectedly, this makes him smile.  “You remind me of myself as a young man.  You treasure the here and now, life lived from moment to moment, never wasting energy on things out of your reach.”

“Are you insulting me?”

He shakes his head.  “No, merely pointing out the similarity.  It is not wrong to live in the present, where our actions often have their greatest effect.  These are simply the musings of an old man who spends much of his time reliving memories through dreams.  Old men tend to wallow in the unchanging past while grasping feverishly for the intangible future.”

“Solas, you’re like, 40 at most.”

He laughs, a quiet, unassuming noise that blends into the sounds of the night.  “You flatter me, Ava.”

The hoot of an owl interrupts the conversation.  Camila’s signal.  Damn, she really is good at that.

“They’re moving in,” Lilith informs the two of you.  You leave Solas to his musings and join Lilith at her perch, keeping a safe distance between you as you do.

You can just barely make out Mary and Beatrice moving silently over the grass, each of them transporting a tray of tightly tied pots and bottles.  You wait with baited breath, switching your grip on your staff every few minutes to wipe the sweat off your palms.  Lilith and Solas may as well be statues.

It’s a long time to wait.  You can’t see what’s happening, but you know it’s going to take multiple trips through the sentry lines to place all the pots without being seen.  You eventually get tired of standing, sitting down with your knees tucked into your chest.

When the retreat signal sounds, it startles you.  It’s not a bad signal, it actually means they succeeded and are heading back, but the pregnant silence was so heavy that its removal makes you feel unexpectedly weightless.  Another minute, and you see Lilith relax ever so slightly as three shapes move toward the ruins.  When they arrive, you scan their faces, looking for indication of worry or injury, but find none.  Mary smirks, Camila winks at you, and Beatrice squeezes your shoulder as she passes, gracing you with a reassuring smile.  They don their armor and weapons again with practiced movements, and as a group, you retreat from the ruins and head back to your camp.

There is brief discussion of how the plan went and any adjustments that had to be made, but overall the infiltration was a resounding success.  You retire to your tents with Solas and Mary taking the first watch.  As you shrug out of your armor and take your boots off, you see Beatrice and Lilith talking quietly by the Seeker’s tent.  You can’t tell what they’re discussing, but Beatrice reaches out to touch Lilith’s elbow, her deceptively strong fingers holding the other woman steadily.  Lilith’s expression twists, then opens, a flash of vulnerability elicited by whatever Beatrice just said.  Whatever is happening, it’s an intensely private moment.  You look away out of courtesy.

The morning arrives gray and dim.  Clouds obscure the sun and put a wrinkle of tension in Beatrice’s brow at breakfast.  “We should be mindful of rain.”

“Those jars are sealed,” Mary says with a shrug.  “And with sparky here on our side, getting the flames going won’t be an issue.”

“But it will create mud,” Beatrice points out, setting her bowl of mushy oats and dried fruit (“Beatrice, that’s gross as fuck.”  “I’m not accepting critique from girls who eat plain hardtack in water.”) aside and reaching for her notebook.  “If it does, the fire may not spread effectively along the uneven slopes.  And they will have an easier time putting the flames out if they can roll in mud.”

“But then they’ll be on the ground,” Camila says, shrugging.  “And it will be twice as easy to shoot them.”  You can all only concede to her excellent point.

It doesn’t rain, ultimately, but the mood in camp is solemn regardless.  The day is spent conducting preparations.  Camila and Mary inventory their arrows and bolts while Lilith checks every buckle and strap on her armor, including some you didn’t know it was possible to have.  She’s silent today, not even wasting breath to make snippy remarks to you.  That’s how you know the specter of the upcoming fight is really getting to her.  That, and the fact that Beatrice keeps glancing in her direction with that furrow of worry ever present.

You practice your spell over the course of the morning, training until you can hit a series of increasingly distant targets almost instantly.  You stop at midday to avoid exhausting your mana, turning instead to watch Mary talk strategy with the handful of Inquisition soldiers who will be fighting with you.

Dinner is a nearly silent affair.  Lilith advises you all to eat light, which is fine because you still feel good from your breakfast, no matter what Beatrice says about it, and your rations at lunch included some absolutely awesome jerky.  You’re settled in to eat some more when Mary suddenly frowns at you before prying one of your hands free and shoving an apple into it.  “Um, thanks?”  You say, bewildered.  She rolls her eyes and doesn’t respond, instead sitting with her own meal while repeatedly glancing at you until you toss away the barren core.

When the time comes to move, the night air takes on a new feeling.  It didn’t rain, but a chilly mist has settled over the lake, just thick enough to obscure the path ahead.  Something about that feels distressingly appropriate.

Together, you are a band of 20 soon to face 50.  You could have summoned more soldiers from the Crossroads, or waited for more to arrive from Haven, but the former would leave the refugees unprotected, and the latter would take too much time.  Whatever happens, it has to be now, and the numbers you have, your skills, and your planning, will all have to be enough.

You reach the stone ruins where you waited the night before, and the plan commences like this.  Camila and three soldiers will go first, armed with bows and daggers, to pick off what sentries they can without raising the alarm.  Once they clear enough space, the archers will advance in two groups, taking positions around the camp to wait for the signal to strike.  You will go with one while Beatrice goes with the other.  Your team is responsible for setting the fires.  Your job is to light the arrows and then target the cooking pits.  Meanwhile, Beatrice and her team will wait to bring lightning and steel-tipped fury down on the Templars when they scatter.  And once their ranks are broken and panicked, Lilith, Mary, and Solas will lead the final charge.

That’s how it’s supposed to work, at least.

Camila is dressed for war: bow over one shoulder, quiver full, and three pairs of knives strapped across her torso and legs.  Without her usual mischievous grin in place, she looks downright fearsome, ready to hunt and kill whoever gets in her way.  The three soldiers chosen to go with her are two humans, a man and woman, and a female elf, all similarly armed.

Camila approaches the five of you before joining them.  She graces you with a smile as small and quick as she before saying, “Here goes nothing, I guess.”

“You’re ready, Camila,” Beatrice says, reaching out to squeeze her elbow as she did to Lilith the night before.  “Maker be with you.”

“Knock ‘em dead, Cami,” Mary tells her with a smirk.

“Do stay safe,” Solas adds.  “I would like to continue our discussion from earlier.”  Camila’s expression brightens, making you wonder what they might have talked about.

“Eyes up,” Lilith commands, short but sincere, allowing the tension in Camila’s frame to ease minutely.

Then, she turns to you, and you struggle for the right thing to say.  You’ve gotten to know Camila a fair bit over these past days, but the friendship you’re slowly building pales in comparison to the bond already well-established between her and the others.  There’s a distance there, a line drawn between you and them that yet remains uncrossed.

So, in the absence of anything heartfelt or clever to say, you do what you do best.  “Have a knife time, Cam.  Don’t bow out before we get there.”  This draws exasperated groans from everyone within earshot, but you hear Camila’s soft snort, and it makes the weight pressing on your chest a little lighter.

Two minutes later, she is gone, her trio of assassins following close behind.  As with the night before, you wait anxiously for an owl’s hoot, the signal to move forward.  It comes five minutes later, right when it feels like your grip on your staff can’t tighten any further.

“That’s our cue,” Beatrice tells you.  “Are you ready?”

You exhale slowly.  “As I’ll ever be.”  Your shoulders abruptly feel warm under your pauldrons, like Your Friend is resting Her hands on them, not to hold you back, but to embolden and reassure you.

“Trust your team, Ava,” Beatrice advises, gifting you with another of her gentle grins.  “We’re at your side.”

Her smile coaxes out one of your own.  “Right back at ya, Bea.  Let’s kick Templar ass.”

Lilith catches your arm as you’re about to leave with your team of archers.  Her expression is hard but, for once, not actively hostile.  “If you see the knight-captain,” she says.  “Leave him.  He is mine.”  You are caught, momentarily, by her eyes.  They are dark, lovely, and filled with a sharp-toothed determination that evokes a second of pity for the man in question.  He’s fucked.

You give a nod of understanding, and she releases you.  Hesitantly, she adds, “Don’t set yourself on fire.”

“...Thanks, Lilith.”  It’s as good a send-off as any, you suppose.

Your squad moves on silent feet toward the camp.  You can see the entrance ahead of you some 100 yards away, and you give it a wide berth, already spotting two Templars guarding it.  Instead, you sneak around the side, up the small, steep hills and through the trees, passing over the bodies of sentries killed to prepare your arrival.  At the top of a steep ridge standing some thirty feet above the camp, you see one of Camila’s assassins, the human woman, waving you over.  She greets you with a tricky grin before turning your attention to the camp below.  She points, guiding your eyes to different spots among the tents and boxes, and in each one, you can just glimpse a pot or bottle sticking out, perfectly positioned for an arrow’s strike.  Once you nod your understanding, she takes her leave, disappearing into the darkness like a ghost to rejoin Camila.

You wait, scanning the rocky hill opposite yours, and sure enough, you see four figures creep into view, one of them being Beatrice.  Her squad stays low but ready, waiting for the signal.

When it comes, it sounds for you.  Your archers nock their arrows and hold them up for you to light.  You take a breath and summon a tiny flame between your thumb and index finger.  It’s big enough to get the job done without creating enough light to draw unwanted attention.  They each hold their tips to the flame before stepping back and taking position on the ridge’s edge.  Their arrows glow like fireflies in the distance, looking almost harmless.  But then they draw their bows back and fire.

The first volley strikes quite anticlimactically.  There’s the thrum of the bowstrings, the keening whish as they cut through the air, and a distinctly mundane shattering sound as they connect with the jars, like the crashing of the box Marabel dropped when you first awoke in Haven.  What happens next, however, cannot be described as mundane or anticlimactic.  The first flames catch, tiny at first, but then they grow and spread, adhering to wooden crates and licking at the billowing tarp of tents.

Several more arrows fly from your perch, hitting their targets with merciless precision.  You can see the sparks catching in all areas of the camp, from the lowest point at the muddy banks to the highest slope where you imagine the knight-captain sleeps, unaware of Fate’s enclosing jaws.

Once all the small fires are lit, the archer next to you, a slim elven man with dark hair and bright green eyes, gives you an encouraging nudge.  It’s your turn now.  At this moment, you are not a girl.  Instead, you are a match, an accelerant, the falling lamp that burns down the barn.  Fire seeking oil.  You target the cooking pit closest to your position, where two Templars sit, not yet aware of the inferno steadily building around them.  The magic comes to your call like a dog, heeding the weight of your hand, and letting it go is as easy as closing your eyes.

There are shouts, shrieks, curses.  Not just from the two men now writhing on the ground but from everywhere, up and down the slopes, inside the tents…

They come stumbling out in singles and pairs, these terrors that haunt your dreams.  They crawl through the dirt like rats, coughing, screaming as some part of their clothing ignites and heat eats away at their flesh.  You light more fires, watching them explode into existence one by one.  Sparks and chips of glowing hot wood pelt any Templars who get too close, and one explosion propels an iron pot directly into a man’s face as he tries to run by.

“We’re under attack!” One of them yells from somewhere you can’t see, but no sooner do you hear the words than a bolt of lightning descends from the sky, silencing them.  Beatrice has joined the fight.

It’s almost quick from there.  Some of the Templars realize where this assault is coming from and attempt to move on your position, only to be pushed back by your fireballs and cut down by metallic rain.  On the other side, they try to do the same with Beatrice, meeting an even swifter end.  Camila signals for the charge, and the screams of the burning are overpowered by the battle cry of the Inquisition.

You see Beatrice’s team abandon their position as Lilith and the others rush the knights below.  The stench of smoke, burning hair, and cooking meat floods your nose as you follow them, descending into the fray.  Camila’s squad maintains the high ground while your team and Beatrice’s trade their bows for axes, cleaving savagely into the nearest Templar they can find.

You focus your energy on casting barriers and controlling the flames so they don’t hinder your side.  To your left, Beatrice is battering an archer with her staff, knocking his bow aside and using the opening to push lightning into his chest with her hand.  He collapses dead on the grass, and she advances to the next without missing a beat.  To your right, Solas ducks deftly around a knight’s swing, using his staff to trip the man directly into a wall of flame.

In front of you, another knight prepares to stab Mary from behind.  You rush him, slipping between the two just in time to catch the blow with your own body.  It never lands.  Instead, a pulse of golden light explodes out from you, just like before, and sends the knight crashing into a burning crate some ten yards away.

“Thanks, kid!” Mary says.  “Now duck!” She shoves you down to one knee before launching a trio of crossbow bolts into a Templar charging your flank.  Then, she pulls you up and turns you so you’re back-to-back, a bulwark, a fiery stockade, never to be overtaken.

It’s not a fight without losses.  Although your plan was a success, you’re still facing Templars, and their superior numbers and training cannot be discounted.  On all sides of you, you see Inquisition soldiers dying.  Sometimes they take a Templar with them, dealing a fatal blow with their last gasp, and sometimes they never get the chance, torn apart before they can even lift their blade.  Camila’s squad is eventually pushed back and forced to scatter, but not before taking down a handful more knights while retreating.  They join you on the ground, trading arrows for daggers, and you cast a barrier over them to keep them safe, but the battle is reaching its most dangerous point.

You and Mary are forced to separate to avoid being hacked apart by a man with a longaxe as tall as you.  Mary tries to spin and counter, but his gauntleted fist collides with her face, knocking her to the ground.  You swing at his back with all your might, aiming the sickle end of your staff at his neck, but he knocks it away with a flick of his arm and grabs you by the throat.

You lose your grip on your staff, abandoning it to scrabble frantically at his icy-cold fingers.  You gasp soundlessly as you are lifted off the ground and held aloft, forced to stare through the man’s helmet into his cold, cruel eyes.  

“So,” he growls.  His voice is gravelly from the smoke, but his tone is mocking.  “A little pack of mages and their lackeys think they can defeat me and my boys?”  This is the knight-captain, you realize, as your windpipe is slowly crushed.  “Well, I’ll give you this, girl.  The fire was a nice touch, but playtime is over now.”  Phase, you need to phase out of his hold.  But he’s using all of his Templar power on you, suppressing your magic until you can’t even feel it.  If you can just reach your Friend, you know you can escape, but you’re starting to panic with every second your lungs beg for air.  “I’ll send your unnatural soul straight to the Void.  The Maker guides my hand!”  Unnatural soul.  Sir Francis had said the same thing while beaming with delight as she killed you.

The image of her ugly, smiling face is all it takes.  Your panic turns to anger, and your desperation becomes determination.  No matter what happens, you refuse to die to another Templar blade.

You draw your feet up to your chest and kick them into his breastplate, all while you visualize your neck slipping through his clenched fingers.  It works.  He stumbles back a step as you fall to the ground in a heap.  You immediately scramble to grab your staff and stand up, but he is already lifting his axe to liberate your head from your neck.  

He tenses his body to bring it down on you, but the trajectory of his swing abruptly changes, burying the axe head in the dirt several inches in front of you.  You realize why a second after it happens.  A chunky stone, just big enough to fit in your hand, lies on the ground, and the knight-captain is rubbing the side of his helmet.  Someone hit him square in the face with a rock, saving your life in the process.

“Enough!”  You know that voice.  While the knight-captain is distracted, you get to your feet and put distance between you, all while your gaze searches wildly for the exclamation’s source.  You find it, find her, standing tall amidst the inferno some yards away, her armor covered in ash, her sword dripping red, her black hair shining in the firelight.  Lilith.

The knight-captain recovers himself, turning to face his new challenger, and he snarls upon seeing the crest of the Seekers on her chest.  “So the betrayal is complete,” he spits.  “For all his talk of justice and glory, the Lord Seeker is truly just a drooling Chantry dog!”

“Spare me your petty insults,” Lilith snaps.  “You are the traitors here.  And now you’ll pay the price.”

“You should be on our side, Seeker!” He shouts, pointing the ax-head at her.  “We are the champions of the Just!  Why will you not stand with us?”

“I stand where I have always stood, in the Maker’s guidance.”  Your mind is cast back to the war table in Haven, where Mother Superion said those same words to Duretti.  “I stand with the Seekers, and with the Inquisition.”

“The Inquisition?” He sneers.  “Then you are doubly a traitor, and will be dealt with accordingly!”  He grabs his longaxe with both hands, lets out a thunderous roar, and charges at Lilith, who simply takes her stance and readies her shield.

It’s breathtaking, in a way, the scene that plays out before you.  You compared Lilith to a bull when she fought demons at the Breach, and that’s still true, but now you witness her true ferocity unleashed.  Not a bull, but a wildcat.  Not a woman, but a weapon.  She moves around the knight-captain’s first strike, letting it glance harmlessly off her shield, and retaliates by slamming her pommel into his side, forcing him off balance.  He knocks her blade aside when she tries to stab him through the gap in his chainmail, but she only rolls with the force, using the momentum to drive the edge of her shield into his jaw.  He stumbles back, clutching at his mouth, barely able to avoid a second hit by ducking, dragging his axe along the ground and spitting out blood and teeth.  Lilith is relentless.  She chases him, stomping down on the axe’s shaft before he can lift it again and smacking him across the head with the flat of her sword, knocking his helmet loose.  He is forced to abandon the weapon to catch her next swing with his hands, and she slams her shield into his chest to push him away, hitting him over and over until the pristine emblem of the Templars warps and dents under the merciless blows.

The battle continues to rage around you, but you can’t pay attention to it.  Nothing seems capable of disturbing this moment.  The knight-captain cannot withstand Lilith’s onslaught, the hurricane that she’s become.  He falls backward, coughing and spluttering.  She must have broken his ribs.  He holds up his hands, gasping and pleading.  “Please, Seeker,” he begs.  “Do not do this!  We fight in the Maker’s name!  He would not want this!”

Lilith is unappeased.  “When you greet Him, feel free to make your case.  I don’t need to argue for mine.”  She plants one booted foot on his chest, smearing blood, mud, and soot across the battered insignia, and buries her sword in his neck.

From there the battle ends in an unceremonious fashion.  The remaining Templars are wiped out by your friends as Lilith withdraws her bloodied sword and kicks the knight-captain’s body to the side.  She spares you a single glance before walking away, dropping her weapons to help one of your injured archers to their feet.  You are left to stare at the man’s body, at the fatal puncture that still spurts with the last of his lifeblood, until Beatrice calls your name, and you turn away.

You don’t return to camp until after sunrise.  There are wounds to bandage, bodies to count, and lingering fires to put out.  Mary is bruised but alright.  Solas uses his magic to freeze a wet rag for her to hold against her eye.  His robes are dirty and torn, but he is unharmed.  Camila took a shallow slash across her stomach and forearm.  She winces as Beatrice cleans them with elfroot salve and a bottle of Dragon Piss that somehow survived the fight.  Like Solas, Beatrice is uninjured, although you can’t help but scan her body repeatedly for any sign of harm or discomfort.  You frequently catch her glancing over at you with the same concern, but the bruising on your neck has already faded away, and you feel fine, if exhausted.

Of the 14 soldiers who fought with you, 9 are dead, and there is no practical way you can carry them all back to the Crossroads for proper burial.  They will have to stay here, carefully separated from the dead Templars, until a larger force is able to pick them up.  Lilith has already ordered one of the surviving archers to place an Inquisition banner outside the entrance as a landmark.  Scout Harding can bring a team with shovels and a wagon once you send word of your success.  It will have to do.

You hike back to your lakeside camp at a limping pace, and it takes all of your willpower not to immediately collapse inside your tent and sleep until noon the next day.  Only when Beatrice gently undoes the buckles on your armor (after watching you fail at it for nearly three minutes) and pushes you toward your bed do you finally give in, falling unconscious before your head even hits the mat.

My dear author ive been reading your Draco fic and I must admit, I'm a little dumb (super dumb in fact lol) so I am a wee bit confused, do you think you can explain what it is they had decided to do with the curse and the removal of memories? 😅 I'm sure its just me but like with all the time jumps and everything, it has me scratching my head like an idiot so please help me understand

P.S. I really like the story and I've been enjoying reading it

First off, thank you for reading. I’m sure the time jump situation might make it confusing. Usually I separate present day from past events with italics, I didn’t do that here. The only time we’re seeing present day Draco is in the first passage of part 1. After that, it’s picking up right before the war and we stay on that timeline for the duration of events leading up to present day.

Now about the curse/memory situation, you’re not stupid at all, the pace is just very quick, so if you blink you’ll miss it type thing. It’s mostly based around this line of the prophecy from part 1 “Through love and by love, castles will crumble.”

So the first thing they decided to do is stage a break up, stay away from each other and make it seem like they don’t have feelings for each other.

However once information about this prophecy gets back to Voldemort, he’s made up his mind that he wants Rosanna under his control. Easiest way to do that, make Draco a death eater and bring Rosanna back to the manor. He wants them to fulfill this prophecy in his favor.

Because as the prophecy also states, “A lion heart, tried and true; chooses a side the other must lose.”

So both Rosanna/Draco and Voldemort/his inner circle have been picking this prophecy apart and they’re both trying to control the outcome in different ways.

The dark side is thinking it’s a baby, similar to the way that Harry’s birth was prophesied. Taking “Born from the dirt, through he, blossoms.” From the prophecy very literally. To them, this baby is their chosen one that will somehow sway the tide of the war between light and dark.

Draco and Rosanna are more focused on the “through love and by love,” aspect of the prophecy. So how can they stop loving each other? This is covered briefly in part 2 in the room of requirement. They could use a time turner, but that might make it worse.

They could use a memory charm, that won’t work for Draco because there are details untwined with their shared memories that Voldemort would easily be able to identify as missing.

They could get rid of just her memories, but then they also run a risk of Rosanna being asked something she should know, but doesn’t have an answer to. Which brings us to the imperius curse.

They ultimately decide on this because, they can get rid of her memories without being caught. Rosanna will not remember Draco, she won’t be in love with him. She’ll be doing whatever Voldemort demands of her so he will not get suspicious.

The imperius curse is a last ditch effort to slow down Voldemort’s plan and give Harry, Ron and Hermione more time. In the end does help Harry win but also lands Draco in a lot of trouble post war.

A case is opened against him, by the ministry, for the use of memory altering charms, abduction by means of the imperius curse and false imprisonment by means of the imperius curse.

There has always been speculation surrounding whether or not their oldest child was conceived while Rosanna was under the influence of the imperius curse. Which is what the men on the radio are discussing in part 1 present day.

When Draco was originally charged, immediately after the war, he is cleared of all charges, but now someone within the ministry has reopened the file and is leaking information to the public.

Resulting in the demand to recharge Draco for war crimes committed against Rosanna. Even though she’s already testified in his defense, even though using the imperius curse was her idea, even though it was only used to slow down Voldemort. It’s a major gray area and people are still divided about what the ideal outcome should be.

This story is very layered and spans over the course of 20+ years. More details and clarity come to light as the story unfolds. So please never feel silly for asking a question. I hope this clears things up! 💜

Super Bomberman R Online (Nintendo Switch)

Developed/Published by: Hexadrive / Konami Released: 3/03/2017 Completed: 1/12/2022 Completion: Well, I never managed to win a match, but top 20 is good, right? Trophies / Achievements: n/a

As this is being officially shut down in two days, I thought I might as well make a record of it; thought I suppose it doesn’t entirely get to be one of those “lost” games because it is, basically, just an attempt at a battle royale version of a game that you can still get (Super Bomberman R). 

And, to be honest, what I have to say about this might only annoy you, because it does come from the perspective of someone who is unbelievably crap at Bomberman. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve loved playing the classics–I’ve even got some games of ten-player Saturn Bomberman under my belt–but as much as I get how to play it, I am… not good at it. I’m like Mr. blow-yourself-up-constantly. I’m the kind of player who literally drops one bomb and then walks back into the explosion. Or who drops a bomb at the wrong moment and traps himself between a wall and it. Or who drops loads of bombs and forgets how far their explosions are going to reach.

To be honest, there’s just so much to track in a game of Bomberman, and that chaos is part of the fun–even if you’re a cautious yet inattentive player like me. I’m sure you can get extremely good at Bomberman, able to track what you’ve dropped and watch what your opponents are dropping and be aware of their explosion length, and that, but there’s so much on screen, all the time, that I’m pretty sure it’s always going to be beyond me. Thank goodness it isn’t, like, how we sort out wars or something, because if I was ever conscripted I’d be in trouble [Unlike actual war, where you’d be fine?--Ed.]

So, while you can take my take on any Bomberman with a grain of salt, then, I do have to say… bloody hell this was underwhelming. Underwhelming to the point where I understand why it failed so unbelievably rapidly. You’d think a battle royale bomberman would be a slam dunk, but there’s games that work as a battle royale (Tetris) games that are… fine (Super Mario Bros.) and then there’s this, which just seems like sort of a botch.

Maybe they considered a huge 64 person field and couldn’t get it to run, but this instead goes for a system where there are 16 different screens with four bombermen on each, and after a set period of time you have to move into another screen or auto-lose. Everyone gets a couple of lives (lucky at this point, as you’d be waiting between matches far longer than you’d be playing them otherwise) and that’s it, basically.

Now, I was able to get quite a few games of this going–I guess the Switch playerbase held up ok enough that I was getting games after a few minutes wait or so–but it just… it just doesn’t feel like anything. You play a match of Bomberman against some randos, then you switch to another screen and do it again. Because it’s a battle royale, you’re not exactly incentivised to anything other than survival, so you might as well just stand in your corner until you have to move–and if you do, you’ll (I’ll) probably just end up killing yourself (myself).

It’s not helped by a baffling range of characters to play that I never actually understood. As much as Konami is the worst steward of their history, I love that this game features bombermen based on the Vic Viper, Solid Snake and that, but when you’re choosing between them it’s like… wait, why would I choose this guy, who can’t level up his explosion distance past a certain point? Or… why wouldn’t I just pick this character, who has much higher starting stats? etc.

(Being generous, there’s probably some super high-level play reasons–but the game doesn’t explain any of it.)

There were a ton of monetisation things in this (a battle pass and the like) but with the actual “monetisation” stripped out the levelling up is miserably slow and random (quite incredible to get a challenge to win a battle royale as my second challenge, which was never happening) and, of course, totally worthless as of two days from now (I doubt you’ll even be able to boot it up and see what you’ve unlocked.)

To be honest, the game doesn’t even feel that good to play. Maybe I’m biased, but the games haven’t ever felt right in 3D–less precise–and you really feel that here.

This is “this ain’t it, chief” personified. Too bad, so sad.

Will I ever play it again? I can’t. 

Final Thought: What’s interesting, of course, is that Konami have since released Amazing Bomberman on Apple Arcade to deafening silence (on googling, I could literally find only one review, in Italian. I suppose critic reviews are not the world's greatest way to tell how popular something is, but man. Konami really has frittered away it’s cultural cache, huh.)

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Shared Lost:

AAAAAAAAH, Writers Block SUCKS ASS.

But I Did It, Sorry For The High Angst And Self Indulgent.

I Just Always Wanted A Platform To Just Write Out My Own Reality And Share It With Others.

Hope You Don’t Mind!

Lyrics Are From Atlantis-seafret

——————

“She said, in my heart and in my head

Tell me why this has to end

Oh, no, oh, no

I can't save us, my Atlantis, we fall

We built this town on shaky ground

I can't save us, my Atlantis, oh, no

We built it up to pull it down”

——————

Context About What Happened:

Losing Someone In A War Is A Horrible Feeling, Feeling Like If Things Were Different. They Would’ve Lived Another Day, Or If You Took Their Place. Maybe Things Would Be Better.

But What’s Worse Than Hearing, Is Seeing Them Die Infront Of You. Saving You From Arrows And To Give You A Chance Too Win Against The Rebellion.

But Sometimes Rage Gets To Your Head, Causing A Catastrophe For Different Angels. Friend Or Foe; It Didn’t Matter To You, You Needed To Get Back At Those Who Took Them From You. From Everyone And Everything.

Lucifer & Mammon:

“Mc? What Are They Doing?” Mammon Looked Up At The Sky As You Killed Another Angel, Letting Them Drop To Crack; Either Their Neck Or Skull.

“Mammon! We Must Not Get Distracted Right Now!” Lucifer Yelled To His Brother While Slitting The Throat Of A Lower Rank. “But Mc Is In A Danger Zone You Know?!” Mammon Pointed To The Flying Figure.

“Shit…” Lucifer Cursed, He Knew That Something Happened To Cause This. Then Again, You Didn’t Join His Side Out Of Fear. But Instead, You Said That You’ll Look After The Young Ones, Never Joining The Fight For Denying His Proposal.

Lucifer Looked Back, Seeing You Hold A Golden Heart Necklace. The One Your Lover Gave Before The Revolution And Before They Passed.

“MC!!” Mammon Yelled At Your Direction, Not Really Expecting A Response. But Surprisingly You Looked Down And Over At The Two, Before Your Face Twisted Into Anger.

“Oh, Um…Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Done That…” Mammon Stepped Back, As Lucifer Put A Protective Arm Infront Of Him. Rushing Down To The Two, “Quick Move!” Lucifer Quickly Grabbed His Arm And Tossed Him Before You Immediately Hit.

Which The Subject You Hit, Was An Angel Ready To Strike One Of The Two. “Heh..Thanks Mc.” Mammon Huffed, Realizing That He Could’ve Been Injured. “Move.” You Stared Coldly, Which Caused A Whimper From Mammon.

“Mc?” Mammon Tried Getting Up But Lucifer Stopped Him. “Not Now Mammon, They Don’t Seem In The Right Head Space…”

Leviathan:

It Definitely Was Hard Fighting Multiple Angels All At Once, But Being An Admiral Has It’s Benefits. Leading A Group Of Angels, He Noticed The Number Dial Down And Saw The Other Retreat.

“Great Job Men And Women, We Head North For Now. I’ll Meet Up With Asmodeus To See If Any Troupes Are Coming In.” The People Gave Their Yes And Left Towards The North Wing.

“Are The Children Okay?” Leviathan Pulled Out His Sword, Almost Slitting Your Throat. Which He Immediately Apologized For The Threat. “Huff, Don’t Scare Me Like That, Especially In A Situation Like This.” “Sorry About That.”

“But, Gran Already Checked On The Young, Their Fine. Just Stressed. But…Mc.” Leviathan Grabbed Your Hand Gently. “Are You Okay? Your Shoulder Is Pretty Injured, The Bone Is Showing…”

“No, But I Can Continue Fighting.” Leviathan’s Frown Deepen At Your Bloody Face. “Didn’t You Want To Stay Behind? To Protect The Young?” You Sighed At The Memory Of The Recent Events.

“Me And [Name] Went To Go Kill Some Angels Who Came To Close Too The Children. But…” You Held Out The Necklace, Which Leviathan Already Gasped. “I’m Sorry Mc…But If You Need—” “I’ll Now Fight For Them. I Have To, No Matter What.”

“Let Me Get You Patched Up Before You Go Out Again, It’s The Least I Can Do.” Leviathan Opened A Bag With Medical Equipment. “Alright.”

Asmodeus:

(Earlier In Time)

He Watched The Trees, And Killed Any Enemy Angel Passing By The Way. He Already Used His Power A Bunch In The Few Hours, Making It Painful To Blink And See. Not Ideal For A Front Line, So He Still Wanted To Help In The Back.

He Soon Heard Racing Footsteps, But Before Attacking He Made Sure It Was An Enemy. All He Saw Was A Familiar Hair Color And Clothing. “Don’t You Dare Die On Me [Name]!” You Seemed To Be Rushing From Something. But In The Denser Part, He Couldn’t Spot Anyone In The Sky.

Asmo Started Quietly Yet Quickly Jumping From Tree To Tree. Following You Too Make Sure Everything Was Alright And That [Name] Was Okay.

Soon He Landed On The Grass Before Hiding Behind A Bush. “[Name]…” You Stared At Your Bloody, Deceased, Lover. He Wanted To Help. But Asmodeus Didn’t Know How To Comfort You, Especially In A Situation Like This.

You Grabbed Your Lover’s Matching Necklace And Shoved It In Your Pocket Before Softly Closing Their Eyes. After You Left In A Raged Set, Asmodeus Came Forth And Saw Them Laying Unmoving.

Arrows That Stuck To Their Neck And Abdomen. Along With A Torn Off Arm And Other Smaller Injuries. He Felt Disgusted At What Happen To A Person, So Sweet, Caring, And Understanding. They Didn’t Deserve Such A Fate Like This.

He Knew This, Cause Of The Stories You Told About Them, How Much You Fell For Such A Good Person. He Always Wanted To Meet, Just Not Like This.

Before He Went Somewhere New, He Moved Them Into A Sleeping Position And Used The Flowers As A Bed For Them. Laying With Flowers Was Always Bitter Sweet, But It Was The Action Of Bravery And Self-Sacrifice. That Made It All The Better.

Beelzebub & Belphegor

She’s Gone…Lilith Is Now Gone Along With Lucifer. How Could It Happen So Quickly? “Beel?! Do You Hear Me! Let Me Go!”

“Belphie No, They’re Still There!” “I DONT CARE!” Belphegor Tried And Tried Again To Get Out Of Beelzebub’s Tight Grip. “*Cough* Lilith…Why Wasn’t It Me Instead Of Her?” “Please Let Me Go Beel-”

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”

The Screams Knocked Belphegor Out Of His Panic Induced State, Which Made Beelzebub Also Loosen His Grip On Him.

Belphegor Took The Chance, Crawling To The Fuzzy Bushes And Looked Too The Field. Bodies Of The Angels Who Shot Lilith Were Dead With Broken Heads. “What I Was Meant To Do Muri…” You Held Your Sword High, Aiming For The Neck. “Avenge And Protect The People I Love.”

Blood Spatter Across The Grass, Which Made The Twins Whine And Almost Made Beel Puke.

…

“I Know You Two Are There.” You Glared At The Bushes.

Belphegor Ran Out Of The Bushes And Held You Tight. “M-Mc…” “You Lost Them Too…?” You Silently Cried Into His Elbow.

Beelzebub Followed Along, “Belphie, We Have To Go…” “Alright.*Cough* Just…Please Stay Safe Mc.” “You Do The Same To, I Can’t Having More People Die Today.”

“We’ll Try…” Belphegor Sniffed, Beelzebub Placed A Hand On His Shoulder Before He Nodded. The Two Ran Off, Possibly To Find The Other Brothers And Where Lilith Fell.

“I’ll Try Too…”

——————

WIP Wednesday Buddie Edition

What can I say? Buck is one of my fave wump characters and I kinda dig this idea of him having his "oh" moment on the verge of dying. More so since of what we saw in season 6 thus far. Still don't know what I'm doing. Won't ever. But I'm rocking it, for better of worse. Cheers!

Working title: Reenact My Pain of Losing You

Basic idea: When the 118 is summoned to a field with actual trenches and not at all real soldiers of a world war, everyone is in for a bad surprise when the play turns dead serious. And it’s not just time that’s ticking for Buck and Eddie.

Find out more here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

“… I still wonder what the odds are,” Buck blurts out, asking.

“Odds for what?” he can hear the frown on Eddie’s face even down in that trench, looking at the stars above.

“To nearly die in a bombing, only to end up on a bunch of grenades. Like, what are the odds?” Buck heaves a small sigh, reminding himself not to move too much. “I mean, not that you would know. You suck at math, after all. I guess we both won’t ever know. But yeah… what are the odds, right?”

Buck is aware that he’s been battling the odds long before the bombing, long before he ever tried out as a firefighter. As he learned some time back, his life started against a great many odds. And while he dares to think he came to terms with it for the most part, there is no denying that he battled the odds, tested their limits, and sometimes even went well beyond them.

Still, it remains his shit luck to seemingly lose against the odds unintentionally. Because some guys wanted to play at war. Well, at least that proves him right about not having gone through with the SEALs training. Buck is not cut out for war either. Or rather, he doesn’t have the nerve for any of this.

“Well, maybe that means the odds are on your side,” Eddie argues. “Because someone who survived a bombing might just as well survive a second. Like people winning at the lottery who’d won before.”

Buck snorts at that. “You know that whole thing’s a scam, right?”

“Tell my abuela that.”

“I might jinx it.” He smirks. “Like, if I go tonight, she won’t get to me.”

“Buck.” Eddie’s tone is a warning.

“I’m kidding,” Buck assures him quickly. He knows he should cut that out. Eddie is clearly not taking well to his gallows humor, and that is likely the appropriate reaction. But Buck can’t seem to stop himself.

What’s the point anyway, right? If I don’t laugh about it, I might just as well cry about it. And what’s gained from that?

“Alright…,” Eddie mutters, then pauses. “You’ll have to pick a new category for quizzes, though. We’re through with geography, biology, and astrology.”

“I don’t wanna quiz anymore,” Buck whispers, feeling his chest tighten.

No, he isn’t going to cry. Not yet, at least. But he doesn’t want to think about lakes or constellations or weird animal facts anymore, either. Because they tend to make him think about Chris. And then he is this close to choking up after all.

“Sure, whatever you want,” Eddie answers quickly. There is another pause on the other end of the line.

Buck screws his eyes shut. Truthfully, he is more than grateful that Eddie has been keeping him preoccupied this whole time. It takes his mind off of the obvious. And Buck always found something particularly deafening about silence. Lying in that trench all by himself when Eddie is not there to fill the silence nearly makes him lose it every time.

“So, ugh… What else do you wanna talk about, then?” Eddie asks, his voice soft, almost too soft for Buck. But that’s just Eddie.

Buck licks his lips.

What do you want to talk about before you die? Might die?

Loaded question, he supposes. One he maybe should have taken to Dr. Copeland before. After all, it’s the kind of question that may come up on any call. But it never came up for Buck until now, oddly enough. Because it’s not his first time dancing the dance of death. He had close calls before, very close calls.

Like the bombing, the ladder truck. But back then, he didn’t think about that. He was scared, downright terrified. And in pain. Lots of pain that even the adrenaline couldn’t wash away. It happened too fast for him to start crafting a speech or whatever else. He just dug his nails into the gravel and tried to stay awake, grappled on to life in a desperate attempt that somehow went in his favor at long last.

When he did that rescue by the construction after Eddie got shot, Buck didn’t think about any last words as well. Sure, he didn’t have much time either. But the climb was long enough to think of something, had he put his mind to it. But back then, he tried not to think at all. Because thinking lead to feeling. And he didn’t want to feel what he felt. Buck didn’t want to feel like he had when Eddie got shot. Then he rather would have died. Literally. If only to make that stupid life matter somehow. Anyhow. To keep his loved ones safe.

Not that he has a death wish, he really doesn’t. Contrary to what some people think, Buck isn’t chasing death. He isn’t chasing a glorious exit from this world. Some time back, Maddie said that they are opposites, the fugitive and the settler. Settling means wanting to stay. So Buck doesn’t have a death wish, he has an undying will to live, and perhaps a certain talent not to jump the knife despite the close calls he’s had.

But now he is lying here, he can’t move, there is not enough adrenaline left in him to keep all thoughts and feelings out of his head, away from his heart. They are spinning freely, round and round, taunting him, just to spin another time. Which means he may have to answer some of the questions he’s managed to dodge for quite a few years by now.

He had been thinking about some of it, following Lev’s death. He tried to find the answer to his own happiness. And Lev only found it the second before he left this world. And no again, Buck didn’t chase death after that either. Despite a certain stunt he pulled involving a bike. But Lev’s death got him thinking about the things Buck tends to push away.

If you had just one more day to live, what would you do? What would you say? And to whom?

“Buck?” he can hear Eddie’s voice call out.

Buck blinks. “Oh, ugh, sorry. I… drifted off.”

“That’s okay, just making sure. I bet you’re exhausted, but we can’t have you doze off. So you gotta hold on tight, remember,” Eddie tells him.

“Right. Yeah, of course. Holding on.”

He’s accustomed to that. Has done that for the better and worse part of his life. He held on tight. He clutched, clawed, clung. Because he was desperate to be left behind. Because he was desperate to stay, so others may stay with him.

And has anything truly changed about it since then?

“So what do you want to talk about, if not random trivia?” Eddie questions.

“You.” The word comes to Buck with unexpected ease, even less expected resolution.

Maybe the universe is answering at the worst of times yet again, huh? Which might be just about the shittiest sense of humor anyone could possibly have.

“Me?” Eddie asks, confused.

“Mhm,” Buck hums, settling into the feeling spreading throughout him. Because it’s comforting. It’s not cold and damp. It doesn’t taste of dust. It doesn’t make his ribs ache from having to remain in that awkward position. It’s warm and bright and makes his stomach flutter in a most pleasant way.

Maybe it really works like that. Maybe that’s how Lev found his answers. When you find yourself in an everything-or-nothing kind of situation, it creates a certain clarity that you lack in normal life. Normal life is muddied by a lot of things. There is just so much noise.

So much is going on, so much life happening, all at once and very loudly. And Buck loves that about life. How full it is, how much it is, how loud it is, never once being sorry for it being there. But sometimes, it makes it hard to see that one single thing you want to look at, hear one voice you want to hear above all else. Because life keeps happening around you, pulling you all kinds of directions, so you lose focus.

Like spinning in a circle too many times and then trying to walk in a straight line.

But in situations that are either or, nor or neither, you don’t have that. It’s this way or the other, left or right, back or forth. There is no staggering, no escape. It’s very still, very timid, and in that way, absolutely clear.

If you had just one more day to live, what would you do? What would you say? And to whom? Whose voice would you want to hear? Whose stories would you want to listen to till last?

“What do you want me to say about myself, then?” Eddie asks.

And Buck can’t help but smile. “I don’t know. Like, plans for the weekend or how breakfast was today. I didn’t ask.”

There are so many things he didn’t say, didn’t do. There are things Buck could have added to his memories. Like how Eddie’s day was before he got to the station. But they had a call early on, so he didn’t have the chance to ask. It’s mundane, he knows, but Buck loves the mundane. Because even the quiet life is loud in his head, in his heart, small treasures he’d want to preserve. So maybe he can add some more, as many as he can.

“You know you’re being odd right now,” Eddie comments.

“So?”

He gets to be, right? Buck can leave being sensible to the rest for now. He just lies here and he feels. Lets the feelings bleed out of him, ready or not. And Buck is done shutting those emotions out, no matter how many questions and troubles they may add to a life that lies on the knife’s edge right now. The sky is clear above him, and so seem some things that normal life tends to leave in the fog and constant noise of its recurrence.

Maybe, had he stopped and stared some time ago, it would have come to him sooner. But the matter of fact is that it’s coming to Buck now, slowly creeping up his spine. And against the odds of the situation, it’s not that scary.

“Fine. Breakfast talk… Ugh, lemme think. I wanted to have cereal, but I forgot to buy a new package, so I had a PB&J sandwich instead. Plus coffee, of course,” Eddie tells him. “There, happy?”

Buck smiles. “Very.”

If you had just one more day to live, what would you do? Who would you want to be with? What would you say? And why?

“So I’ll have to get a new package of cereal on the weekend. I… we should go together, you know? Coz I was thinking about having a picnic in the park. Chris is aching to skateboard again, because he’s apparently not too old for that yet. So we could pack some things and head straight there. He’d sure have a blast.”

Buck smiles, feeling his eyes water. “That… that sounds great.”

He knows what Eddie is doing. Because Buck has done it plenty of times, talking to people on calls in an effort to calm them down. You don’t promise that you get them out, but you leave them hoping, so long there is as much as a slight chance they might make it. You help them visualize the future after the event. Sometimes, they get to it, and it serves as motivation to reach it. Other times, Buck supposes, it’s a small comfort. Not a lie, really, but a way of escape from an otherwise frightening and horrid situation. To a future that may never be, but at the same time just might.

“Then we’re gonna do that,” Eddie says, nearly choking on the words.

“We should, yeah.”

If you had just one more day to live, what would you do? What would you say? And to whom? And why? Why?

Buck has a feeling he knows at long last, glancing at the stars above him. If they are mocking him, he has no care in the world for it. Because he has the answer right in front of him, despite the universe’s bad sense of humor to only have him hear it.

A day in the park with Eddie and Christopher. Smiling and laughing with them. Be with the people who are most important to him in his life. Live with them, happy and loud and unashamed.

A day in the park with Eddie and Christopher. One more day to say what’s been bubbling underneath the surface of a fast-paced life that didn’t leave Buck the room to fully comprehend until now that this was a truth he’s known well before. His way to happiness all along.

A day in the park with Eddie and Christopher. One more day to chance it, throw the dice, steal a kiss, and see where it leads him. He’s kissed guys before. Some time back, even dated some. So that’s not what would have him scared. Just Eddie saying no thanks. Eddie withdrawing. But he’d try anyway.

After all, it’d be his last day. If tomorrow isn’t promised to him, then, doesn’t that set him free to follow his heart no matter what? Because he’d only have one more day promised to him. So why wouldn’t he use it? To steal a few more seconds than were granted to Lev before he found his answer?

If Buck had just one more day to live, he’d want to spend it with the people he loves, that’s what Buck knows without a shadow of a doubt. Because it is those people who are his happiness.

If Buck had just one more day to live, he’d say how he truly feels. To Eddie. For Eddie.

But that’s the treacherous thing about it.

Buck may not live another day to do it.

Still, he should.

Maybe.

Probably.

“We definitely should.”

I have to.

Zuko: Uncle, you're the only person other than the Avatar who can possibly defeat the Father Lord.

Toph: You mean the Fire Lord.

Zuko: That's what I just said! We need you to come with us!

Iroh: No, Zuko, it won't turn out well.

Zuko: You can beat him! And we'll be there to help.

Iroh: Even if I did defeat Ozai, and I don't know that I could, it would be the wrong way to end the war. History would see it as just more senseless violence, a brother killing a brother to grab power. The only way for this war to end peacefully is for the Avatar to defeat the Fire Lord.

Zuko: And then...then you would come and take your rightful place on the throne?

Iroh: No. Someone new must take the throne. An idealist with a pure heart and unquestionable honor. It has to be you, Prince Zuko.

Zuko: Unquestionable honor? But I've made so many mistakes.

Iroh: Yes, you have. You've struggled; you've suffered, but you have always followed your own path. You restored your own honor, and only you can restore the honor of the Fire Nation.

Zuko: I’ll try uncle.

Iroh: Zuko, you must return to the Fire Nation, so that when the Fire Lord falls, you can assume the throne and restore peace and order. But Azula will be there, waiting for you.

Zuko: I can handle Azula.

Iroh: Not alone. You’ll need help.

Zuko: You're right. Katara, how would you like to help me put Azula in her place?

Katara: It would be my pleasure.

Sokka: Woah, woah, woah. Just hold on a sec. I thought you said two siblings fighting each other for the throne was a bad thing.

Iroh: Um...When I was a boy, I had a vision that I would one day take Ba Sing Se. Only now do I see that my destiny is to take it back from the Fire Nation, so the Earth Kingdom can be free again.

Sokka: That didn’t answer my question and could I also ask where this destiny came from. Why is that something you’re just talking about now?

Iroh: All will be revealed in time. After I re-conquer Ba Sing Se, I'm going to re-conquer my tea shop, and I'm going to play Pai Sho every day.

Sokka: Are you even listening to me? So, it’s ok for Zuko and Azula to try and kill each other over being the new fire lord and if Zuko wins, he’ll be accepted and admired, but when it comes to you and the fire lord, everyone would get at mad at you for it?

Iroh: Well...

Sokka: You see that? I just poked a hole in you’re sense of logic. Ya know, Zuko talked very highly of you and so far I’m not impressed.

Suki: Hmmm, come to think of it. This order has the most top notch bender and non-benders in the world hiding in the shadows, some of them have infiltrated parts of the fire nation.

Sokka: Yeah, yeah and when Azula took over ba sing se, she did so using the same infiltration tactics and without spilling a single drop of blood.

Zuko: Hmmm, I was told to go into the dragon catacombs by a mysterious figure but it was forbidden, the penalty for trespassing was death. No exceptions. I found secrets in there that would have damaged the fire lord reputation. The mystery man could be apart of the white lotus, which means, with them this deep in the shadows, your order have exposed these secrets and prove to the world that the war was a lie.

Iroh: Very impressive. Well done. I can’t believe I never thought of that. Goes to show, even I’m not always right.

Zuko: Uncle, what’s the real reason why you won’t fight my father?

Toph: And why exactly is it Aang’s job to do it, even after a tone of hard core masters who are more then equipped to take him on?

Iroh: Because you are wrong about me. We can’t fight him, even if we wanted to. It’s not because of the moral laws or customs and propaganda as I foolishly said. It’s because we would all lose. Do you have any idea the powers my brother possess? With just his firebending, he can take down any bender, even me, if he had all elements like the avatar, he could bring down the entire world.

Zuko: Is he really so tough? I redirected his lightning and threw it back at him, it hit the ground instead of him. I could’ve killed him.

Iroh: My father, fire lord Azulon, once shot lightning at Ozai and he walked off with barely a scratch. I was a prodigy, like Azula, where as Ozai is not. which means he got to become more powerful then me by sheer force of will and dedication. His rule may be the shortest, but he’s proven to be very competent and diligent and he’s kept the kingdom well organized. In contrast to me whom I wasted and sickened myself in glory, women, food, and wealth. I would have driven the fire nation to the ground for my childish irresponsibility and ego. I fear I still might, which is why I cannot be fire lord. The years of knowing him, I saw nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. Even as a child, he had this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes, the devil's eyes. I once cut his face with a knife, he had no reaction and it almost seemed like his cut...healed instantly. I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was something else. Something purely and simply...evil.

Zuko: Why didn’t you just be straight with me for once.

Iroh: I know I should’ve but I could never figure out how. Azula painfully reminds me of myself. Arrogant, irresponsible and a prodigy and I realize now, I might just be punishing her for my own mistakes. But my brother is not even human, to see my niece be blindly loyal to such abomination always made my skin crawl. I don’t know what he truly is, but various spirits tell me that his mere presence destroys balance and the avatar is the only one who can stop him. I don’t fully know why they insisted that but after learning their ways and listening to my gut, I no longer asked.

Sokka: It’s like this guy gets creepier and creepier every time I learn more about him.

Iroh: Sozin's Comet is arriving, and our destinies are upon us. Aang will face the Fire Lord and stop him. He’s the only one who can.

WHAT COWBOYS DO / self para where / fort worth stock show and rodeo, fort worth, tx when / saturday jan 28 - feb 8th featuring @vannrichmond

June was surprised when her phone rang in the middle of the day. Even more surprised when it was Vann. “Hey baby,” she said, adjusting her AirPods as she walked with Beau. 

“They’re here.”

Cryptic, just how she liked it. “…you gonna explain or am I supposed to know what that means?”

“Your parents. They’re here.”

June stopped walking for a second. Well, that was a shock. “Both of them?”

“Your mom hugged me,” he said, his tone sounded like he just went through a whole war and was now calling from the frontlines. 

“Dad there?”

“Yeah. Yep. He’s here. He nodded at me.”

“Huh,” June said. 

“Huh.” He mimicked, in her tone, poorly. “I’m out here, dealing with your family reunion, trying to win a rodeo, and that’s all you’re saying?”

“Guess you’re the favorite now, baby,” June said, her tone flippant. 

“I don’t want to be the favorite, I don’t want them here at all.” He sighed. She could almost hear him scrub a hand through his hair, annoyed. Her lips twitched with a smile, because he was really acting like he lost a limb and occasionally Vann’s dramatics made her just grin away.

“You know they came — he came — as his way of saying sorry, showing he supports,” June said, it slowly sinking in. There wasn’t even anything else to watch that her father would have cared about. All the good horse events happened at the beginning of the stock show, and the rodeo was at the end. June wasn’t even singing it. She was still in Iron River until the last of the week. The rodeo was ten days long, and she’d come for the final rounds.  

“I’m gonna lose now,” Vann groaned. “Don’t be alarmed when I call from the ER.”

“Vann, do you want me to fly out tonight instead of tomorrow?” June asked. “I can intervene.”

“No, it’s fine.”

“You’re not gonna lose, you’ll do fine.”

“No, I’m gonna lose now, and he’s gonna be in the stands, and —”

“Baby you are being so dramatic,” June said with a smile. “I can fly down, it’s not a big deal. Especially if you’re hell bent on getting an ER trip and last place.” There was a few more back and forths between them before they exchanged their I love yous, even if Vann’s was clipped with annoyance.

—

Like it always did, there was something of a crowd around her while she clicked around the Dickies arena. Dressed to impress was her usual status, and she was wearing a more casual dress with a worn jean jacket that had Richmond embroidered down the back and little pearls and stitched into the shoulders. She wasn’t really paying attention to the crowd that was snapping photos as she made her way into the stands where she spotted her parents. 

Sneaking up on them, if it was even possible, her father’s eyes went to her and she saw the ghost of the smile. Asking, “What are y’all doing here?” Her voice made her mother’s head turn around and McKenzie beamed at the sight of her daughter. 

“Watching our son in law clean up at this rodeo,” her mom said with a smile. “I hadn’t forgotten how good he is at this.” Her mom seemed to puff out her feather with pride. June bit her lip, because while her father wasn’t a Vann Richmond fan, ever, her mom just adored Vann. McKenzie’s eyes went back to Dalton and then June. “It was your father’s idea.” 

June’s eyes when to her father, who was standing, arms crossed, just watching his daughter and wife chat and then eyes going back to riders warming up. 

“Hey, Daddy,” June said. It was the first time she’d talked to him since their fight last year.

“Hey, Junebug,” he answered back. He paused for a moment and then shifted. “We should probably, go somewhere to talk, June.” His voice was mellow. June nodded. Her father showed up, this was his way of coming to terms with it. 

They started to make their way down into the pits, and June flashed her pass to the security who knew her entirely too well already. Vann was doing his own thing, this was his job and she tended to just come say hello and then leave him be until it was time to be around. “Tried to not bother him much,” her dad said after a minute of walking slowly down through the stock area.

“It was your idea, then?” June asked, her head tilting to look up at her father.

“Yeah,” her father said with a slow drawl. “Saw he was on the bracket, figured I’d come on up here and watch my son in law do what he does.” He paused for a second. “Tried to call him. Wanted to... you know.” Apologize, June thought to herself, even the word was hard to say for her dad. She was looking at her father, and again she was hit over the head with how similar her husband and her father where with holding a grudge and being stubborn about it. 

“He isn’t the type to pick up the phone for people he doesn’t want to talk to,” June said. 

Her father grunted in agreement. 

“Dad, I...” June sighed. “I’m not sure he’s gonna ever forgive you or like you.” Actually, she was sure he wouldn’t, but she was hopeful he might come around in a decade or two.

“Don’t need his forgiveness.” Dalton said and leaned up against a stock fence, looking at some of the bulls. “I do need my daughter’s forgiveness, though. I’ve missed you, Junebug.”

June gave him a look. “You really miss me or did Mom threaten you and complain so much that you’re tired of it.”

Her father coughed a laugh at that, and he nodded, “Both. Even if your mother is always the driving force to makin’ me do things I mostly don’t wanna do, but things that need to be done.” He sighed again, getting more serious. “I don’t want her to miss things... I don’t want to miss things, important things, that are happening in your life because of... a mistake that I did.”

June stayed silent for a long minute. There wasn’t going to be an easy fix to this, or ever a fix. Vann didn’t like and wouldn’t ever forgive her dad. There was nothing that could be done to make that better, and her father wasn’t the type to really consider Vann’s cold indifference toward him as a slight. He liked to not be talked to or be forced into conversation, and he only liked to talk about the ranch, cows, and horses. 

“June,” her father looked at her. Her eyes went back to him instead of staring at a bucking horse. It wasn’t the one Vann drew. 

“Yes?”

“I just want you to be happy,” he said. “I thought I’d know what would make you happy, I thought I was gonna... not make you go through what your mom had to go through with me, but I just want you to be happy. I’m sorry I got into the middle of it. I shoulda... trusted you. You’re like your mother, she’s always been smarter than me.”

June smiled softly. “Thank you, Dad.” 

“You know, he’s uh, he’s pretty damn good at all this,” her dad said with a smile. “Can’t believe you didn’t tell me how good he was at it,” he said with a small smile.

“Oh my god,” June said with a roll of her eyes. “You think he just like, lucked his way into the NFR?”

“I just always thought you were the better half of him, so I just attributed it back to you,” he said with a slight laugh and a shake of his head. 

“He says the same thing, but not when it comes to this. This is all him, I like how he gets when he’s here. He’s happier here, he’s always been ambitious, so he’s just...” June didn’t know how to describe it. Vann needed a goal in front of him, and he was hyper focused on the comeback this year. “He’s just kicking ass,” June said with a laugh.

They had started to walk back toward the arena already. 

“He’s gonna win this thing, I think,” her dad said with a nod. 

“He’s gonna win the whole season,” June said with a nod. “No doubt about that.”

An Unsual Savior | Peggy Carter x Reader

Hey! It’s been so long since I posted my last Marvel imagine, so I thought why not post one, cause I feel like since I created my Heathers blog, I was leaving these stories behind.

Ok, so, here we go! One for the girls (and the gays), hahahah

This is me trying to recover from that scene in MOM, at least making Peggy happy in one timeline!

Enjoy!

Got any requests? Send me an ask or comment in one of my last posts, I’ll be glad to write for you!

--------

(Please, take a look at this woman!)

Prompt: You are the nurse on Colonel Phillips' staff, you live among the soldiers and serve the highest echelons of the Army. Until the day an incident changes his relationship with your superiors.

* * *

You were in for another one of those boring, monotonous days at work. Of course it was always a different emotion when working in the Army, even more so as a nurse, you can handle anything. You were lucky that the Wars were still far away, and the soldiers were only present at the barracks to train with Phillips and his rank.

Every now and then you would have a soldier in your tent, wounded by an accidental bullet, or with a twisted bone from stumbling in the midst of despair.The colonel trusted you blindly. He kept saying that of all the nurses he'd hired, you were the best. And the other bosses said the same thing. You'll lose count of how many times you've caught yourself blushing over some spontaneous compliment from the bosses. Especially if it was from a specific boss.

Your colleagues were jealous of your “fame”, but it was no use. They preferred to always let some flirt slip out while tending to wounded soldiers, while you were more centered and didn't take long to tend to their wounds.

That day, you were practically alone, tending to a soldier wounded in the leg by an accidental bullet, which happened often. He was clearly a rookie, he seemed very nervous about everything and he looked desperate because of that measly injury.

As usual, you soothed him until he'd gotten the bandage back in place, and you gave him two gentle pats on the shoulder to encourage him not to give up on his enlistment.

Just as the soldier limped out and gave him a shy smile, a larger soldier appeared at the tent door. Apparently he didn't have anything on his body, much less the mark of something.

He leaned against the tent frame and smirked in his direction. Only then did you recognize him.

Gilmore Hodge. You couldn't help but sigh in frustration.

"Hiya, nurse," he laughed, as if he had won. “Can you take a look at me, please? I think I injured my chest with a bullet during training.”

"If you'd hurt your chest, you wouldn't even be walking, Hodge," you said, unable to contain your sneer. He frowned, as any oppressor would.

"The bullets were blanks, nurse..."

You made a nasal sound as if you agreed, and pointed to the bed in front of you, as if asking him to sit down. That's what he did.

“Let me see this, then,” you began, trying to get into Hodge's joke. This isn't going to end well, you thought. “May I lift your uniform, soldier?”

He smirked again. You were sure.

"You don't even have to ask, nurse..."

You lifted his uniform carefully, noting that there really wasn't any sign of a gunshot anywhere on his chest. Hodge was still smiling when you looked back at him, and in a rush, the soldier's strong, powerful hands pinned you against your body.

“Hodge-”

“Calm down, nurse. You're very beautiful, I'll be careful with you,” he said, sexy and whispered. Any innocent girl would fall for that talk, but you, who knew him better than anyone else, were already waiting.

You struggled to free yourself from his arms, but the soldier's grip was winning. He didn't feel sorry, as much as he promised, he was soon approaching her face by force and kissing her forcefully. Hodge's lips smelled of cigarettes, and he was unyielding.You tried to let go again, but it didn't work, like the other times.

“Soldier Hodge?”

Agent Peggy Carter's sweet, commanding voice made you jump. He ignored her, though, and continued kissing you forcefully. That's when you started punching his chest, hoping it would have some effect.

“Soldier Hodge, will you release the nurse, please?”

He moaned still into your lips and released you, finally. The air returned to your lungs, and you glanced around to see Peggy leaning against the tent, as he had, her arms wrapped around her body, her face unfriendly.

"Soldier Hodge."

“Yes, ma'am, ma'am,” he saluted, trying not to show he was afraid. He was bad at doing that, though. And you chuckled, finding the situation amusing.

“He was just tending to some injuries, ma'am. Don't worry."

Okay, his attitude wasn't cool at all, but you'd rather hide the truth than have to witness an arrest or a rejection right in a tent where peace should reign.

Peggy, however, was not resigned, but nodded, sort of understanding your position on the matter. Hodge, who had remained silent for a while, nodded once and buttoned his uniform again, his expression tense and frightened.

“Anyway, I apologize for my lack of sense, nurse,” he said, probably because he wanted to get rid of Peggy's scolding. “Thanks for the help, I'm feeling better now. Thank you so."

And without another word, he walked out of the tent, leaving you and Peggy alone.

She wasn't looking at you, she was more amused by watching Hodge walk away with his tail between his legs, but when he finally left the tent, Peggy Carter's beautiful, deep-set eyes stared into your face steadily.

"I know he was trying to forcefully kiss you, no need to lie."

Your eyes widened, startled.

"I-I...", not knowing what to say, you saluted. “Sorry, ma'am.”

She smiled, and she had the most beautiful smile in the world. With that British accent that set her apart from the others, she replied. “No need for that formality either, (Y\N), you and I are co-workers.”

“Sorry, ma'am,” you repeated firmly.

"You don't even need to ask me for forgiveness, and you don't even need to call me ma'am."

“Sorry, ah… okay, Peggy,” you blushed. "Thanks."

She smiled again in your direction and nodded once, moving a considerable distance from your body. Just then, your heart was already racing.

"Are you okay? Did he physically hurt you or something?”

"No, I...", you blushed again. "I think not."

"Oh, then that's great."

Peggy turned around, ready to leave, but not before giving her one more smile, trying to sound friendly. She managed this without much trouble, of course. Everyone was delighted with her pose on and off the battlefield.

Suddenly, when you had already turned to your chores, and were packing some first-aid instruments in your bag, she spoke again, surprising you:

"Hey, I've been thinking…" she began, clearing her throat. “We both have free time this afternoon. I think we can, who knows, have a coffee at a coffee shop next door. What do you think?"

"You and I?"

"Why not?"

"Oh..."

She arched an eyebrow. "Come on, (Y\N), you won't be working all day."

Defeated, totally surrendered by that woman, you smiled and shrugged.

“Alright, it doesn’t seem like such a bad thing to me…”

Peggy seemed to get a different glint in her eyes when you agreed to go out with her, and before finally leaving you alone, she winked at you. “I'll be waiting for you. Maybe you want a ride too, in my jeep. I'll be happy to help."

Her irresistible charm made you blush. Well, that had been quite a day, and depending on how the afternoon turned out, it would be hard to forget...

i know you know i know | ayato

RELATIONSHIP } kamisato ayato x reader

TAGS } general audiences, reader is a demon, mutually beneficial relationship

SUMMARY } to a demon, a name is everything, and you've lost your name to time.

WORD COUNT } 1k

INFO } au august 2023, day 10 (demon) | more

You are a demon. Demons and humans are at war.

Yet you find enjoyment in being trapped.

Only by the Kamisatos though. This treatment wouldn't have been possible otherwise.

Ironically, they are at the forefront of the battlefield. If not, they wouldn’t have cared if you lived or died. The leader, Kamisato Ayato, was making you into their key to success.

You wonder how your peers will react seeing you snuggling in a pillow while in the hands of the enemy.

It is a prison—you have a tag around your neck that shocks you when you attempt to escape—but your living space is comfortable.

Your peers probably don’t even know you’re missing.

They probably don’t even care. Not just because the war consumes their life, you’re not a strong demon, and strength among the demon-kin is everything. It is what grants a demon to be feared—to be remembered.

You don’t remember your name, sadly. It has not been uttered in a thousand years, and demons cannot call themselves. That’s why they rely on others to use their names to summon them. A demon without a name is equivalent to nothing.

It was why you were in battle. Humans had no control over your actions without a name.

Your living place while captive wasn’t always this luxurious with a bed, and a nice view of the city. They placed you behind bars at first, but you slowly climbed your way to where you are now.

The birds chirp as the sun goes down. It is time. You wonder what you should reveal today.

The door to your area clicks open, and a tall man with blue hair and mesmerising grey eyes walks in. He’s wearing a white suit, and it’s the only thing he wears when he greets you. You’ve asked yourself why he dons this attire. His family is rich even while the war rages. It’s evident from how you have a pile of clothes sitting at the corner of your room.

But you can’t ask questions. Only he can.

“As you said, the demons were trying to conquer Nazuchi Beach,” Ayato says without saying hello. You make the spot beside you comfortable, but he does not adhere to your silent request. With a stern face, he continues. “Tell me more about the demon who is in command.”

There is no obligation to reply, but his fragile gaze is all you’ve been anticipating for the day. If you don’t, you know you’ll lose it.

“I cannot speak about what he will do now that his plans have been overthrown, but as I said, he will do whatever it takes to reach Tatarasuna.”

Ayato takes a step closer.

“A commander never only has one plan if he was that persistent. Surely there must have been preparations for a second plan even before the first failed.”

You tap your chin, deep in thought.

This was a secret you know can change the tides of the war, but you don’t want it to end for selfish reasons, at least not so soon. Was there any benefit if it concluded? Either way, whichever side won, it would not change anything for you.

Demons would not have cared you survived, and it would be a life of premature death; Forgotten and lonely.

Humans winning would only mean you will be slain, but you just want a bit more of whatever Ayato can provide. Inciting a feeling in you that you had not had since a millennium.

The intimacy of being seen.

“There was something,” you say once you’ve weighed the scales. “You are not wrong to say that he had a second plan, but you overestimate your opponent. To take over Tatrasuna is his goal, but it is only a small puzzle in the grand scheme of things.”

Ayato watches you carefully, always on the lookout for dishonesty.

“The impending doom is not what will happen today. Demons live longer than humans. We are skilled in the art of forgoing tomorrow for the future. This set back for them might have been a win, but it is only so for the present.”

Ayato remains quiet. He’s as still as a statue as the cogs in his brain function.

“You may think I am withholding information from you,” you say, noticing how cautious he is today. Usually, he’ll be right in front of you now, ready to give you what you want. “But I am a mere soldier. As humans also practice, lowly life forms are not granted the power of knowledge. What I am sharing is based on my years of experience… and having lived as a demon, I think like them.”

It’s getting easier to warp your words around his finger. He makes his way to you. When he’s seated, you place your head on his lap. The warmth from him is something you will treasure—demons are cold.

However, you know. You know that he does not see you well. He might cup your face gently upon request, he might display signs of what humans dub as affection, but you’ve heard the way the guards outside your door speak of him. He is a man who likes loyalty. You are telling him most of what you know. He is your enemy. This is going to make a lasting impression.

On days like this when he indulges in your frantic desire to be acknowledged, you like to pretend that you aren’t a tool. You like to believe that for all his wits he will find your name in some records, and you wouldn’t mind him having it.

But reality is often far crueller, so you’ll stretch this delusion for as long as you can, hoping that he does not notice the way your tongue slips out innocent lies.

He cards his hands through your hair.

It’s not something he’s done before.

You can melt into his touch but you’re fully aware that he’s writing something on your skull too.

His touch stings, but you don’t flinch. You close your eyes, pretending to be asleep.

Each character conjures a bubble of memories, but they pop at the surface of your consciousness. All that’s left is a linger of melancholy.

It’s only when he finishes his last stroke that you realise what he wrote.

Your name.

When you turn to face him, he smirks.

Be careful what you say around me.

Born to bleed or too stubborn to die?

I think I’m reaching the end of my journey. In a painful realization that it won’t end how i hoped it would, but in a relief that i can put my soul to rest. I’m disappointed that all the years of patiently waiting, silently hoping, and the journey towards the final battlefield all ended in losing the war. That last fight. To think that i could win but never really stood a chance. It’s a deep sadness i have not felt in a long time. My chest hasnt stopped burning in three days now. It’s hard to think straight when all you can think about is the sensation and tightness of feeling your heart cry out, bleeding everywhere as you tell it “you’ll be alright. I promise it looks worse than it is. Hang on and you’ll see that you’ll be right as rain soon.” You almost feel like a liar. Because while your heart will eventually be okay, itll be horribly disfigured. Adorning every scar, every bruise, every cut, and every scrape it received during this long and painful journey. I wish there were more positive things to say about it all. While i could never hate you, my soul will forever remember what you did. All the trails i was put through to end up nowhere. All the lies that were told. All the promises that were never kept. Some days i look back on it all and ask how i could have lied to myself for so long and made you out to be the one worth dying for. How did i make excuses for everything and every time i was wronged. How did i keep explaining it all away, pulling the knife out, and keep walking towards this? I’m very good at convincing myself that something is worth it. Very good at highlighting the best of you and ignoring the rest. The truth is that you just couldnt bring yourself to choose me. No matter how much i grew. How much i changed. How much i compromised. I would break down every part of me to fit the mold i needed to and it was still not enough. Youd rather casually date other guys and tell me it meant nothing. Lie and tell me the dates were a one time thing, just to do it over and over. Pull away when i wanted to be close. Make me feel so alone even when i was right next to you. Youd come chase me and find me just to put me in this horrible situation and then question why i can’t just be your friend. As if loving someone this much allows someone to sit at the sidelines and feel the feeling of not being chosen after so much effort. Having to watch other people receive the effort you begged for. All the things you never got when you did everything short of moving mountains. Itll always break my heart. Being asked to stay is nothing short of selfish and borderlines evil. But its all things i can start to let go. You’ve yet again given up even with all the things that went right. Now i can begin to let it all go. Since I’ve truly tried everything. Theres nothing i could have done to change the outcome i was fighting all these years. I can start to let go of the memories and the pain. The good times and the bad. I hope you never regret having given up the chance to build up that life together. I don’t think itll ever be a second thought in your head. To give up on having someone who would bring you food late at night even after working a whole shift. Flowers because they saw some that they knew youd like. Cook for you because they knew you were tired from the effort youd put into your work. Massage you for hours just to give you a small slice of solace at the end of the day. Fix your things when they notice them not working instead of waiting for you to ask. Looking for fun things to do together to keep connecting and growing together. Forgiving you for your wrongs and loving your rights. It baffles me knowing that all of it started because we couldn’t stand the pull of each other anymore. To sit there and touch souls for a night. That the desire we feel towards each other was never enough. How it always ended with “i just want to be friends.” How heartless you have to be to constantly ignore how i felt and entice me into coming back just to try to trick me into accepting terms you knew i couldn’t.

How selfish you have to be to do it over and over. But i knew. I kept letting you. Last night i knew how that talk was going to go. I knew that none of the things we experienced in the last few months would make any difference. No matter what i said or what i changed. It was over. You offered to try pulling back and redoing. But I’d have to be an idiot to not know that its only going to reaffirm your stance and ensure that you do everything in your power to hold us down in this friendship and not grow into something more. Thats okay. Because when i have the strength to go i’ll just fade into that good night. Backpack on my shoulder, tear in my eye, heart shattered, but smile on my face as i walk towards the unknown. Smiling knowing this will be the last time i have to feel the heart break and pain of this. The last time i have to beg you to reconsider. Try to show you i was worth it. There won’t be a need to block or avoid you. You’ll be able to float in the peripheral and watch as much as youd like. If you can stomach the empty stares and distance small talk of interacting with the ghost of who you cared about maybe even a quick exchange of hellos. But you’ll know the pain of seeing a familiar face being controlled by someone else. The person you cared about being gone and lost. All that remains being their body. But the soul that would have pulled down heavens for you will have been peacefully buried. Buried next to the girl who loved him. The only place you’ll be able to visit him will be in your memories. In pictures you never took. In things you never said. You will know the pain of being cast aside and having it all be given to someone else. That is the nature of consequences. To know that you felt like it was a fuck up to ever give it a chance tells me all i need to know. I will never be loved here and i do not need to mourn what was never there. I can’t ever hate you. But i don’t think i’ll ever forgive you either. You’ll choose how to deal with it. Whether it ever affects you or you drown it out in stacking your day to the brim with things to do, i know you’ll be fine. How easily you can detach and ignore me is enough reassurance to know you’ll be just fine. For the first time since i said i love you and asked you not to go, i feel like i’ll be just fine too. I won’t need to update this anymore and i can send this blog off to rest with the soul who cared for it. So its only fitting that i leave it with its own little eulogy.

To the man who thought love conquered all, we say thank you. Thank you for showing the world the deep and unconditional love is real. Thank you for showing us the intensity and courage needed to not give up in the pursuit of something you believe in. For showing us the pain and hardship that the soul can endure when love and hope drive them forward. While love isnt always enough, you always will be. Through all your mistakes and triumphs, your heart was pure. You loved so much that it kept hope alive for years, surviving on crumbs and blind faith. It is no easy feat doing what you did. To take the bad and make it good. To sacrifice so many nights. Lose so many tears. To show up beaten and bruised with a smile on your face and say “i still love you, i know we can make it if you just give me a chance to show you”. It took conviction and patience to be built up and broken down so many times and still keep walking forward. You have shown us what a person is capable of. We’re so sorry that all your effort wasnt enough. In another world it might have been. In another life you succeeded and you got to reap the rewards of your battles. In another life you two are happy and she thanks you every day for not giving up on her. For showing her the love she needed to be her best self. Take comfort in knowing you will always be a symbol of true love, an inspiration and standard for those who know you to follow. I love you. Thank you for standing by me in our quest to find our soulmate. I hope you can forgive me for the things I’ve made you go through, and the ultimately fruitless endeavor. I used to think that a love you fought for was romantic. That it would be an amazing story to pass down to our kids. About how your mother was almost not your mother. How long i worked to find her. And how we ultimately found each other again. Theres nothing romantic about fighting for someone who doesn’t want you. Begging someone to reconsider when they already made the conscious choice to get rid of you knowing full well it meant that you wouldnt be in their lives again. They were okay with never seeing you again. They were fine with losing you or they would never have made the choice to do it. Never forget that. Use it to put your soul at ease. You may have never gotten the love you died for, but the man who replaces you has a fighting chance. He is there because of your work and sacrifice. He will honor you and succeed where we failed. Rest in peace. You will never be forgotten and you will always be loved by me. We’ll make sure to leave you flowers by the tree you carved as kids. We’ll be there often to visit you so you don’t feel abandoned and left behind ever again. We’re sorry for the life you lived. But you’ll finally know peace. We will carry your memory through the wisdom you’ve given us. We will be everywhere they look but nowhere to be found, and that, will be our revenge.

heya, are you taking requests? can i ask some relationship headcanons with qin x human!reader? ♡

Yes! I still am, but I can't guarantee that the request will be post soon enough, sorry.

Also, I’m sorry if I accidentally write any inaccuracy historical event here and a short headcanons.

...

I imagine that Qin Shi Huang is the type of boyfriend who would tease you, but still act like a gentleman and give you a lot of affection.

Being in a relationship with him means that you would expect to live in a palace with him and have a luxurious life.

He may fool around with you, but you can still feel the overprotectiveness on Qin whenever he’s with you, and since you’re his lover, it can have a potential for any assassin to target you, so expect him to be with you almost all the time.

But, if you would like to defend yourself, Qin would gladly teach you how to do it and be proud when he see you kick butt anyone that try to hurt you.

You can either get annoyed or flatter by Qin’s way of compliment you, cause it can be annoying most of the time.

Qin will obviously spoiled gift you the best thing ever, whether it’ll be an expensive dress (specifically it’s called “Manchu style” during Qing Dynasty), jewelry, and even various foods too. (You would have to stop him from giving you too much gift.)

Qin would be in joy if you provide him his favorite snack and tea with a kiss on his cheek while he’s in the middle of working — it give him more energy! 

His favorite date with you is when during the first anniversary right where the festival also start, Qin simply give you your favorite gift, but what you give him is something simple, but he treasured it — it’s during the festivals, you and him watch the firework, dancing together, and your gift for him is basically a lantern that you craft by yourself but there’s a drawing of Qin and you together — it is rather a simple gift but Qin keep that special lantern in his room.

I also like to think that whenever he’s out in nature with you, it can be either a romantic date or a child play; it can be just the two of you lying on a grass and he play with your hair, or playing game of tag where he chase you down and you always lose to him. (sometimes he purposely lets you win or else you’ll be frustrated) 

Despite the amount of silly times in your relationship, at night when the two of you rest, you like to sing a lullaby and cuddle with him to calm him down after the amount of hatred and war he faced, yet all that negative are washed away by your comfort and love, oh what a wonderful gift he has. 

The end~

send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list

generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by

feel free to change to fit your preferences as need.

❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

The year is 1815… You believed that it would just be another season at court— fake smiles, airy laughter, tempting offers— but you never expected to be pulled into the true game that lay underneath the cordial elegance.

You never expected to be caught in the middle of a war that’s been going on in the shadows for centuries; never expected to be seen as the one who could stop it all.

Could you possibly appease the warring sides? Or will you lose yourself within the war just like they all had? Will your heart be ensnared by a creature you never even knew existed? Or will you stay on the course of sensibility? Of normalcy?

Only time will tell as the wicked games commence.

DEMO TBA

Features

This story is 18+ for sexual themes, alcohol use, violence, profanity, and blood.

Customizable MC: name, nickname, gender, sexuality, appearance, and a smattering of other things that’ll appear as the story continues.

Romance 1 of 5 (so far) options that will either lead you into the world of unknown or keep you rooted to what you know.

Figure out where you fit in the world that has suddenly become so much bigger than you believed.

As the heir of your families fortune many things are riding on your shoulders… will you finally let your heart win?

Remember to think with your head and your heart… as you’ll need both to make it through.

And remember to have fun!

The Wolf

Caidan/Céline Coinin is one of the most desired individuals among the court. With dark brown hair, enchanting green eyes, and bronzed skin, one wouldn’t need to wonder why. Of course, one also didn’t know that they could transform into a hulking wolf at will but some would think that added to their charm. That and the warmth that always seemed to exude from them no matter what. Stands at 6’0”.

Species: Werewolf

“We were meant to be together by the writing in the very stars themselves. You’re everything and more that I could have ever hoped to have. I promise you I’ll always protect you.”

The Cold One

Many things have been whispered about Adrian/Amara Hollis; they’re cold demeanor, the sharpness within their sapphire blue eyes, and the ethereal quality of their entire countenance. Barely a strand of their raven black hair being out of place as their fair skin seemingly glows underneath the light. Their steely demeanor only shifting for you as an inquisitive look takes over. Stands at 6’6”.

Species: Vampire

“I’ve been alive for a long time, sweet thing, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything as exquisite as you when you first wake up. Nor have I ever felt as happy as I do when I have you in my arms.”

The Best Friend

If there’s one person you can count on it’s Seth/Selina Taylor who’s been your best friend since you can walk. They’re the only one who can help you sort out what your life has become. Their patient words, calm disposition, and knowledge of you allowing them to do so. Cognac brown eyes, light brown skin, and ebony curls being something that drew many people in. Stands at 5’8”.

Species: Human

“If I would have known that you felt this way about me I would have tried to give this a shot years ago. It would have saved us the sheer boredom we’ve felt in the past at least. And I would have been able to have you in my arms for longer.”

The Flirt

One of the most controversial figures within the court; Victor/Victoria Winthrope play the season as if it was a game. Their devious smile, mischievous hazel eyes, and fiery auburn hair, pulling people in. Will you be the one that finally catches this casanovas heart? Or will it only end in heartbreak for you both? Stands at 5’7”.

Species: Human

“You’re everything my aching heart could have dreamed of, sweetheart, I’m so lucky to have you in my arms. I can’t imagine being anywhere else but here with you.”

The Promised One

You can’t have gone to court for as long as you have— though not as long as V— without catching someone’s eye. The kindhearted Richard/Regina Lewis had made their interest known since the last season— allowing you the time to decide between then and now— and they’re awaiting your answer upon your return. Dark brown eyes, light blonde hair, and tanned skin allows them to be quite the catch. Will you let them have your heart? Stands at 5’11”.

Species: ???

“I know that I may not have been your first choice but I’m glad that you’ve given me the chance to be your last. I want to prove to you that I’ll always make sure you’re happy. That, no matter what, I’ll always be by your side.”