*whisper whisper*

Stained Glass [ pt. 2 ]

pairing : choi san x gn!reader

mafia!au , soulmate!au , angst , hurt / minimal comfort

warnings : language , depictions of blood and open wounds , mentions of poison , mentions of general violence , mentions of needles , major character death

word count : 5.6 k

requested ? no

a/n : sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , i promise i have some fluff in the works to make up for this ( p.s. if you wanna cry like i did while writing this , i seriously suggest listening to “something in the orange” by zach bryan )

[ part 1 ]

In hindsight, you probably should have put a little more thought into your exit. But you weren't thinking about anything except getting the fuck out of there as fast as humanly possible. It didn't register that you had neither your phone nor a ride back to the base until the crisp air greeted you and now it was too late. No way in hell could you possibly muster up the courage to walk back inside and grab a set of keys. So instead, you take up residence on the porch steps, sitting down and using the railing to lean against, shutting your eyes for just a moment.

Someone would walk out eventually. Ideally, it'd be Yunho, the two of you weren't close enough for him to pry on the situation and he had a good sense of when to ask questions and when to squash his curiosity. San was out of the question completely for obvious reasons, and Mingi, while better than the latter, would surely pester you with questions you can't cope with hearing at the moment. Then again, maybe all three boys would just avoid you altogether, out of hatred for what you'd done to San. Is it bad you actually kind of prefer that option?

A heavy sigh flows through your parted lips, eyes blinking open slowly to adjust to the golden light of the setting sun. It almost evades your mind that this is your first sunset, well, the first one you can actually admire the true beauty of. It's even better than Mingi described it to be. Hues of pink, purple, and orange blended together in perfect harmony and morphing into deeper shades as the minutes tick by.

San would quite like this. He'd always dreamt of watching his first sunset with his soulmate tucked away in his arms. It was the one aspect of finding his soulmate he used to talk about the most. Guilt spreads through your veins like wildfire, you never realized a heart could physically ache in such a way. You don't deserve the sunset. How dare you sit here and enjoy the one thing San wants most in the world while he lays inside covered in blood and in pain.

It's all too much. You squeeze your eyes shut and pull your knees to your chest. You don't deserve to watch the sunset any longer, so you won't.

It's lost on you how long you stay in that position, curled up and hiding your face from the world. But it can’t have been longer than an hour when the front door finally squeaks open and you feel a heavy presence sit down beside you. You flinch when the person rests their warm palm against your back, rubbing in slow circles like you would to soothe an upset child.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. It's just me." Mingi's voice is unbelievably soft for how deep it is. You should've known it'd be him. No sense beating around the bush with him, not when he can read you about as easily as a picture book.

"Did San tell you?" It comes out muffled, but Mingi seems to hear your words just fine.

"He did," His tone is cautious. "Are you ready to talk about it?"

You shake your head, still refusing to look up and Mingi sighs. "Okay, I'm here when you are. No judgment, I swear." Usually, you'd make him lock pinkies with you anytime he made a promise, but his words seem genuine enough and you really don't have the energy to tease him like usual.

It's the silence that ultimately pushes you over the edge after just a few minutes pass. It wraps itself around your throat and gradually constricts your airway until the words are practically choked out of you. The first sob you let out summons Mingi's embrace, long arms looping around you in a matter of seconds and nestling you into his side. The second one has you leaning against him for support, shaky hands gripping the fabric of his shirt while endless cries spill from your lips.

"I feel fucking horrible."

Mingi, surprisingly, stays dead silent as you vent. It isn't until your rambles slow to a halt that he finally speaks his mind. "For the record, I don't think you're a horrible person. I think you're scared."

You blink away the few remnants of tears that fog your vision to meet Mingi's gaze, you're not sure you've ever seen him look so solemn. His usually cheery expression is shrouded in darkness, purple-ish semi-circles already forming under weary eyes.  

"I know it's not what you want to hear, but you need to talk to him."

You shake your head and speak through sniffles. "I can't go back in there, not after what I said to him."

Mingi releases a sigh and tugs at the roots of his hair, "Do you love him?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do."

Yes, you do.

"Still, it doesn't change anything." Your gaze drifts back to the sky, it doesn't look the same as it did just minutes ago. You'd heard from many that as the sun gradually dips towards the horizon, the colors become more vivid and rich. But honestly, they kinda just seem muted and dull, grey almost. Perhaps that's just how sunsets worked, it's not like you would know any better anyways. "I can't take back what I said, and my opinion on soulmates still stands. San's better off with someone else anyways."

"I don't believe that. Not even a tiny part of you wants to be with—"

"Can we please stop talking about it, I feel like I’m gonna throw up if I have to spend another second thinking about it."

Mingi nods and fixes his eyes on the sky as well. He must see something in it you don't, as he stares at it with a certain twinge of awe in his eyes. "How do you like your first sunset?" He muses, bringing a much-needed change of topics.

You shrug, "It was good at first, but now I think you're kinda full of shit."

Mingi lets out a breathy laugh, relieved to see a bit of your usual self shining through your broken exterior. "Oh yeah, why's that?"

"Don't know." You lean back on your palms. "It's just kind of . . . uninspiring? Dull. Greyish. But hey, to each their own I guess." Your useless attempt at a taunt falls flat, but it's really all you can do to stop thinking about what's looming just inside.

A cool breeze rustles the trees, plucking loose leaves from the branches and sending them swirling to the ground. The windchimes Seonghwa had insisted on putting up to make the safe house look more natural and inconspicuous resonate with their pretty song. You're almost positive they were originally a gift from his soulmate, way back before everything went to shit. Hongjoong had protested them from the very beginning, often referring to the object as a noisy beacon to the safe house's whereabouts. But after what happened to his soulmate, Seonghwa was dead set on them being put up, and no one had the heart to tell him no.

While their backstory is tragic, you've come to enjoy the music it produces. You always loved the stained glass pendulum that dangles perfectly in the middle. Finally able to see the colors of the design, you make out a pink lotus flower atop a green lilypad, the background an aqua blue. Looking at it now, even those colors look faded. You chalk it up to months worth of sun damage.

It isn't until your gaze meets back with Mingi's that an uneasy feeling begins to metastasize in the pit of your stomach. Etched into his sharp features is a look of pure confusion and apprehension. You furrow your brows at him, "What?"

Mingi looks to the sky, then back at you, "What color are the leaves?" You don't like the way he’s visibly connecting dots in his head while everything remains unknown to you. The uneasy feeling climbs its way into your throat and renders your mouth dry. You're almost too scared to glance back at the leaves and check their color, but will yourself to regardless.

"They . . . they're um—" Panic sets in like a raging storm. You're completely frozen in place, wracking your brain to decipher any semblance of the bold fall colors you've heard all about your entire life. But the once vivid hues begin to fade into the familiar dreary tones of grey, white, and black.

"And the sunset?"

"I— I don't know. . . Kind of, dark grey?"

It's Yunho's urgent yell for help that finally clicks the last piece of the puzzle into place. Mingi's expression morphs into one of pure terror, coming to the same realization just seconds before you.

Everything dawns at once. The day Seonghwa lost his soulmate, a memory that’s haunted you every night since. The fear in his eyes as his vision melted away, leaving nothing but monotone greys in their absence. The agonizing cry he let out when he realized it was too late and there would be no more reason to keep up the search for his missing loved one. Their kidnappers didn't even have the decency to return their body to him. To this day, Seonghwa still never regained the gift of color in his vision.

You don't remember bursting through the wooden door and into the living room, much less even standing up. But one moment you were sitting on the steps outside and the next you’re hovering over San's trembling form.

"What the fuck happened?" Mingi stands before a very grim and frazzled Yunho. He's rummaging through his bag, discarding objects left and right. Yunho's voice is shakier than you've ever heard it before. "I think whatever was in him had poison laced in it. It's spreading and we don't have enough time to figure out what it is."

"What does that mean?" Mingi asks, his gaze flits back and forth between San and Yunho's bag of supplies.

"It means he's gonna fucking die if I don't find an antidote or get it out of him somehow." Finally, he grabs a glass bottle filled with a clear liquid and a syringe. "Call Hongjoong and tell him to get over here with every antidote we have stocked up now." Mingi doesn't waste a second, stepping into the other room to explain the situation to your well-respected leader.

"Y/N," Yunho snaps you from your thoughts. "Help me get him on the floor, I need to inspect the wound, maybe I can figure out what it is he was poisoned with."

You're still stuck in a haze of the initial panic, and Yunho's words process a little slower than appropriate for the situation. It takes another firm command from him before you snap into action. "Now, Y/N!"

Yunho grabs San's ankles and at the same time you hook your arms under San's armpits and lift him. Hisses leave his lips as the two of you maneuver him out of the armchair, too rushed to worry about being even remotely gentle. "Okay, right here, ease him down and then stay there, I need you to try and keep him somewhat awake. Do you understand?"

You give a curt nod. Your legs fold as you sit down as slowly as possible, lowering San down in sync with Yunho. His limp weight makes it hard, but you manage to lay him flat without causing further injury. Yunho gets to work immediately, cutting a slit up San's shirt for access to the wound and removing the freshly done bandages, already stained a grotesque blackish red.

San's head rests limply in your lap as you sit crisscrossed on the floor. He's barely conscious, body trembling and feverish. Sweat clings to every inch of his skin, matting his hair platinum hair down to his forehead in clumps. His breaths come out as short and labored gasps, chest rising and falling sporadically. However, what scares you the most is the way his eyelids keep rapidly fluttering, dark brown irises rolling so far back in their sockets you see nothing but the white of his eyes.

You aren't sure if he's even coherent enough to process what's happening. But then he begins to panic, stretching his arms out and feeling around for something to grab hold of. It sends a pang through your heart, knowing he's cognizant enough to register the effects of the poison but not control his body's reaction.

"Keep him still!" Yunho barks harshly, tone void of any empathy or remorse. You can't exactly blame him for it, not when you've all been trained to turn off the emotional side of your brains in situations like these.

"It's okay, you're okay. I got you." You catch his arms and guide them back to his sides, trailing your fingers up to his shoulder, tracing feather-light lines into his clammy skin. The action stops him from thrashing. "Yunho's gonna help you, okay?" You can't even begin to imagine how terrifying it must be to have no choice but to sit there and leave your life in somebody else’s hands. You give his shoulders a reassuring squeeze, just to let him know you're there, then continue trailing your fingers across his skin.

Something halfway between a wheeze and your name passes through his parted lips but he's quickly cut off by an abrupt coughing fit seconds later. "Yeah, it's me, I'm here. Don't try to speak, all right?" You can't tell if he's trying to nod or if his head is just lolling to the side. Your hand comes to rest against his cheek, fingers ghosting a repetitive pattern across the skin. Your other hand works to smooth back the hair from his face, pausing every now and then to blow cool hair against his forehead. It's the most skin-to-skin contact you've had in a lifetime. Even though the consequences of discovering your soulmate were already triggered, doing so still sends a rush of anxiety through your bones.

Mingi finally appears again, saying something about Hongjoong being on his way with a couple of the guys, you aren't really listening. Yunho immediately ushers him over, instructing him to help by handing off items from his medical bag when needed. You mentally thank Yunho for taking charge and being so level-headed. Because right now it's like all your training went straight out the window and you can't do anything but dwell on the fact San may die and the last thing you said to him was that you'd never accept him as your soulmate.

Oh God, what if he dies before you ever get the chance to fix anything?

A pungent smell invades your senses, cutting your spiraling thoughts short. You hear Mingi gag and Yunho spits out a string of curses. He's successfully cut away at the bandages, revealing a sight nothing short of a scene in a horror movie. You can barely make out the stitches Yunho put in amongst the mess of blood and swollen flesh. The wound looks infected, as though it's been festering for weeks. Purply-black veins branch out from the wound and spread across his abdomen, made alarmingly visible by how much his skin has paled. Blood continues to trickle from the wound, though its color is muddled and darker to the point it no longer appears red.

"Shit." Mingi breathes out, raking his fingers through his tussled hair. "That's not good, is it?"

"Please tell me you know what to do." You plead with Yunho, but he stays silent. The last shred of hope that manifested itself in your heart deteriorates to nothing as you watch the steely expression on Yunho's face falter. He doesn't know what poison it is.

The three of you exchange a round of silent glances. You don't think you've ever seen the two boys look so defeated, especially not Yunho. He always has a fix for everything. Tears break your waterline for the second time within an hour.

"No. No! Come on. Yunho please, you have to know something that'll help." San shifts in your lap and you really hope he can't pick up on the desperation in your voice. But the color in your vision is fading more and more by the second and it's getting hard to keep a positive outlook.

He just shakes his head. "I've never seen a poison this aggressive. I— I'd need to take a sample and study it to figure out an antidote."

"Can't you just give him the general one?" Mingi tries, glancing towards the glass bottle Yunho had set aside from earlier.

"I don't know if it'll work on something like this. It could make it worse, there's too big of a risk—"

"It's better than doing nothing." You protest.

"No. We need to wait until Hongjoong gets here, maybe he'll know—"

"Yunho." His head snaps up to look at you. "Please." Yunho's eyes flicker between the bottle and syringe on the table to San's growing infection. You can see the turmoil brewing in his head. "Please."

"It's not a solution. At best it'll keep him comfortable for the time being and give us a few more minutes until Hongjoong can get here. Got it?" You nod in understanding, and Yunho continues. "But if it backfires . . ."

"Who knows how much longer it'll take Hongjoong," Mingi states, voice surprisingly calm. "He'll die anyway if we wait too long. You know San, he'd tell you to take that risk."

The entire room is tense, nearly silent aside from San's ragged breathing and occasional groans. The taller boy chews at his lip, gaze still locked on the Hail Mary sitting just inches away. "Okay," He whispers, defeated. "Okay." You release a long, pent-up breath at his answer and pray to every God known to man that this will work.

Yunho nimbly takes the glass bottle in his hand and tips it upside-down, sticking the needle in and drawing out the liquid. He taps the syringe a few times, eyeing it carefully and measuring the amount with laser-like precision. "It's gonna hurt. Bad." He warns. "The second I inject it he's gonna start to feel it, you need to make sure he stays as still as possible." Both you and Mingi nod.

"Okay, ready?" Yunho positions the needle just above the swollen and angry wound, thumb resting on the plunger.

You take a moment to lean in closer to San, lips ghosting over the shell of his ear. "This is gonna hurt, but I promise you're gonna be okay. Bear with me just a little longer, yeah?" Even in his dazed and tortured state, San finds it in himself to mutter out the tiniest of confirmations. So you lift yourself back up and position your palms flat against his shoulders, pressing down firmly to restrict any movement.

"Ready." You nod at Yunho, who then looks to Mingi now positioned at San’s feet, large hands wrapped around his ankles. He gives a slight nod.

There's a split second of complete and utter silence that hangs in the air, occurring between the second Yunho lines up the syringe with San's skin to the moment he presses down on the plunger. It fools you into thinking it won't be so bad.

But then a shrill noise breaks past San's lips and his back involuntarily arches up from the floor at the sensation. He almost, almost breaks free of you and Mingi's hold, but Yunho is quick to push down on his abdomen with his free hand, effectively pinning him to the floor. Somehow, it's his pathetic whimpers that break your heart more than his screams ever could. It’s just so unlike him, you’ve truly never seen him this distraught. Tears carve dewy paths down his cheeks as unheard pleas tumble from his lips. He struggles here and there, but it's no use with three people keeping him restrained.

In total, it takes about five minutes for his cries to taper out and the medicine to stop lighting every one of his nerve endings on fire. He sucks in giant, heaving breaths, though they already sound a lot healthier compared to just minutes ago. Slowly, the three of you release your hold on his limbs and wait with bated breath for him to say or do something. Anything. 

It's between those deep inhales that San finally mutters his first coherent sentence since you sprinted back into the house, half-lidded eyes fighting to stay open.

"Please tell me it's over." The words slur together and his voice is raspy and dry, nothing like the silky smooth melodic sound you're used to. But he's conscious enough to talk and that's the first real win of the day, so you don't take it for granted. There's a collective sigh from the two men in front of you, and Mingi all but collapses to the ground himself, leaning against the armchair for support.

"It's over," You reassure. "You did well."

Tired eyes stare back at you like they're analyzing every feature with apprehensive worry. It's like he can't believe you're actually there. He raises a shaky hand, reaching out until the tips of his fingers brush up against your jaw. San shudders as you take his hand in your own and press a long kiss to his palm.

"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere this time."

That seems to calm his nerves just enough for some of the tension in his shoulders to subside. His hand falls back to lay on his chest and your fingers return to smoothing over the supple skin of his cheeks, tracing simple shapes.

"Y/N?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry I yelled at you, I know it couldn't have been easy finding out—" You shush him, feeling the way his heart rate picks up to an abnormal rate with his anxiety-driven rambling. "You don't need to worry about that right now, okay?"

"I do." Another fit of coughs shakes his body, but he stubbornly pushes through. "Because if I don't make it . . . I can't end things how they are right now."

“I’m not angry with you, San. Everything just happened so fast and I panicked, but it wasn’t your fault.” San shivers as you stroke his jaw absentmindedly, “How about this? When all of this is over and we’re back at the base, you and I will sit down and figure all of this out.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

San hums in response and turns his attention back to studying your features, a soft expression settling over his face. Despite his sickly complexion, San looks exceptionally angelic himself and you can’t help but stare back. You’d never been close enough to drink in all the details of his face the way you can in this moment, so you take full advantage. It’s truly criminal how long you’ve overlooked the sharp peaks of his cheekbones and perfect nose. Now that you think about it, everything about him is perfect. The way his top lip turns slightly downwards in a natural pout, soft and rosy in color. The sparse freckles that decorate his cheeks and the sparkling pools of rich brown surround his pupils. The way he so effortlessly incites feelings of comfort and safety with his gentle smile.

Getting caught up in the mesmerizing sight of Choi San becomes your downfall all too quickly. Your guard completely drops the moment you lock gazes, and you flinch when he blurts out suddenly. 

“I love you.” His declaration sucks the air from your lungs and your chest constricts around your heart. “I don’t expect you to say it back, but I just needed you to know because I’m not sure how much longer I—”

“Please don’t,” You whisper, squeezing your eyes shut. You can't even handle the cracks in his voice, much less the idea of him not making it. So you cut him off right then and there. Maybe it's selfish not letting him finish his confession, but you seriously can't listen to him talk about his death like it's inevitable any longer without feeling the need to throw up. When your eyes open again, San’s gaze is watery and full of a sorrow you wouldn’t even wish on your worst enemies. “You’re not dying, San. So stop acting like you are.”

Your denial is nothing short of naïve. 

“I could.”

"San. I’m serious, that's not gonna happen—"

“You don’t know that!” He finally snaps, taking you by surprise. “Y/N, please. I don’t know what’s happening to me, but nothing feels right, and I . . .” He swallows thickly. “I’m scared.”

The broken statement mixed with the sheer hopelessness in his voice sinks your heart further down in your chest. The phrase sounds so foreign coming from him. Where was his overly cocky charm? His fiery confidence? The teasing quip to lighten up a tough situation? You weren't used to being the one to ground him. But you try for his sake.

"I know, I know, I’m sorry." You lean down and press a gentle kiss to his forehead, hovering there for a moment. "But you're okay, you just have to hold on a little longer. Hongjoong will be here soon and he'll know what to do." San looks like he believes your words about as much as he believes the tooth fairy exists. You decide to try a different tactic to ease his mind.

"I saw the sunset, you know?"

That piques his interest, eyes widening ever so slightly at the word “sunset.” He swallows dryly, "Tell me about it?"

And even though the vibrancy of the world has yet to fully return now that San was safe, you remember just enough about the vivid colors you'd seen upon first stepping outside to paint a picture for him. "It was beautiful," you brush a stray piece of hair from his eyes before continuing. "Just like all the stories describe it to be."

Mingi and Yunho have long since let their eyelids droop and their bodies slump against various pieces of furniture, finally getting some much-needed peace after the day's events. By the looks of it, San was beginning to follow suit, losing his fight with keeping his eyes open and succumbing to exhaustion. Your own eyes burn themselves, begging for even a moment of rest. But you power through for the sake of looking over everyone until help arrives.

"And the colors?" San mumbles, words slurred as he dances the fine edge of slumber. His breathing soon subsides to a slower pace, chest no longer spasming in an attempt to suck down giant gulps of air. He truly looks at peace.

"Soft. So many warm pinks and purples and oranges, I honestly lost count of how many different shades the sky could blend into as the sun dipped behind the trees. Oh! You'll love the way the golden light filters through the autumn leaves, the rays are so warm and—"

It's like some scene from a drama the way your moment of pure bliss turns into one of absolute anguish. You sit, completely frozen in place, with your heart through the floor as the last remnants of color leave your vision completely and without warning. There should be no doubt in your mind, but your brain hasn't completely caught up with the situation to process that San's chest no longer rises with each intake of air. It can't comprehend the giant hole his lack of presence leaves in the room. But he was just talking to you? He was fine. He was safe. He can't be . . .

So you grip his shoulders and give him a firm shake. Your voice sounds unfamiliar even to yourself, pitchy and trembling as you call out his name.

"San?" Another shake. "San?"

Nothing.

Your palms cup his face, fingers drumming against his skin to wake him. You don't even register the trails of salty tears that spill from your cheeks and drip onto his ghostly white face.

"SAN!"

The break in your voice is what causes Yunho and Mingi to finally bolt awake, panic driving stakes straight through their hearts. You lock eyes with Yunho, cradling San's head in your arms. "What happened? Yunho what the fuck happened? He was fine just a second ago, he— he was talking, he was awake! I don't—" you suck in a sharp gasp mixed with a sob "—I don't understand. Please help him!"

It's the look of pure horror on Yunho's face that finally makes the entire situation feel real. "It– It didn't work." He whispers like he's also having to convince himself.  

You feel like you're going insane, San was just there, talking and acting fine.

"No, no no no no no no. No! He can't—" Your eyes frantically dart back and forth between him and Mingi, then back to San. "San, come on," you whine. "Come on, you're okay. Please, just open your eyes for me, yeah?" His head lolls from side to side in your grasp, his entire body hauntingly still.

In the corner of your vision, Mingi and Yunho rise to their feet. "Hongjoong will be here soon," Mingi's voice is even softer than it was on the porch. His own tears threaten to slip free from his waterline, you hate when he tries to act brave. Yunho can't even face you. How can they just accept this? "We'll give you a moment alone with him, it's best you say your goodbyes now." You can only watch as they disappear outside, just barely catching a glimpse of Yunho stumbling to his knees and Mingi gripping the porch railing right as the door slams shut.

Everything crashes down at once.

The silence and stillness of the safe house. The way his cheeks grow cold under your touch. His blood still staining the furniture and hardwood. The stained glass windchime outside still singing its funeral song as it claims yet another soul lost far too soon. All of it overwhelms your entire being at once, hammering it into your brain that he's gone for real this time.

You aren't sure how long you sit there, cradling him in your arms as you rock forward and sob into his chest. Throat ripped raw from screams that summon no one to your aid.

For what feels like hours, you sit alone in your grief. Until a slender figure crouches beside your hunched form and pets the top of your head.

You look up, expecting Mingi to finally be there, telling you it's time to take him away. You're fully prepared to use every last bit of your strength to fight him on it until you lock eyes with Park Seonghwa instead. His dark eyes stare back with a knowledge behind them that no one else on your team could ever even begin to understand. His usually hardened gaze is gentle and kind, empathic because he knows. He was the first to experience this type of heartbreak long ago.

It doesn't take much effort for Seonghwa to peel back your fingers, releasing San's face from your hold. You find yourself more willing to comply than you thought as he places a hand tenderly on your back and guides you to stand. You're not even putting up a fight, how pathetic.

"I'm sorry," he finally breaks the silence, voice stable. "I'd sincerely hoped none of you would ever have to experience this feeling."

Seonghwa has never been the most emotionally vulnerable to begin with, even less so once he lost his soulmate. To you, he was always just the intimidating second in command you never dared to show weakness in front of. But now? His presence is the only thing keeping you from descending into your darker thoughts and letting them swallow you whole. You collapse into his arms without warning and grasp at the fabric of his long trench coat, cries muffled against his chest.

He turns cranes his neck and motions to someone behind him. And when you look past his shoulder you see Hongjoong, Mingi, Jongho, and Yunho. Their stares of pity feel condescending as they hesitantly make their way to where San lies. You're starting to realize why they sent Seonghwa over first. 

"Wait—" Your plea is cut short when Seonghwa tucks your head back into his chest and tightens his hold around your form. The way his hand cradles your head to his chest obscures your vision completely. You're not ready to let go of San just yet, but it seems you won't be given that choice anyways. "Please don't take him. I never told him I love him back, he needs to know, I need to—"

"Shhh, it’s okay. Trust me, he knows," Seonghwa whispers, his fingers tracing soothing circles into your back. “You’re okay.” But you know good and well those words are lies. They didn't mean shit when you whispered them to San moments before his death and they don't mean shit now.

But then he speaks again and it's like he can read your mind. "I know you won't believe me right now, so please keep these works safe until you can . . . It's not your fault, and dwelling on what you did or didn't do won't bring him back. You'll find your peace again, but first, you have to let him go."

And all you can think at that moment is that Park Seonghwa is a fucking hypocrite.

[ tags ] @nshitae @ihatemynewbangs @baguette-atiny @shley-chan @scuzmunkie @jeongintwt​ @jackinmyarea

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Reality TV Show Writing Meme!

Rules:

- Choose 6 OC's canon characters.

- Put your OC's names in list of numbers and answer the questions with your OC's names instead of the number, write at least 100 words to answer.

- Once an OC is evicted, you must choose the next consecutive number to fill in the question. E.g. If [1] is evicted, choose [2]. If [6] is evicted, go back round to [1]. (I fucked this part up but idc)

Cast:

1. Aoba

2. Shizuo

3. Namie

4. Ran

5. Shingen

6. Erika

Warning:

OOC (gets worse as it goes along honestly), c r a c k, dark humor, insanity, and Namie being Namie (and Erika being Erika...).

1. Welcome to the House! Introduce the OC's and what their luxury item would be.

[1] Aoba: Luxury item? A pool.

[2] Shizuo: Another pack of cigarettes. *doesn't know what it is*

[3] Namie: Well, there's not much of anything that comes to mind... except a fine night out with my darling Seiji~

[4] Ran: Fucking ew.

[5] Shingen: Hmm...hm, hm, hm. I need to think about this one...

[6] Erika: All the doujinshis on my wishlist!

2. There are 3 bedrooms, 1 with 2 double beds, 1 with 2 single beds and 1 with only 2 matresses on the floor. Who pairs up with whom, is there an argument over who should get the better room, and how is this resolved?

No one's happy, except Erika who comments that it feels like a sleepover (and Ran who yells out that 'we're literally living together for this'). However, Namie has already grabbed Erika's arm to lead her into the room with two single beds, because 'the only man she'll sleep in a room with is Seiji'. Erika doesn't get time to object before the door slams behind them. Leaving only the other four...

Shingen rubs his chin, trying to decide which remaining options were better. If he chose the room with the double bed, he surmised he might get lonely since there'd be no other weight in it, so the mattresses on the floor sounded like a better option.

Shizuo heads into the room with the double beds. No one follows him in.

Aoba and Ran look at each other, mutually scowling the thought of having to share a room with the blonde, then scowl at each other. Ultimately, they decide on taking the room with the mattresses on the floor.

By the time Shingen makes his decision, he finds everyone gone and the room he had decided on occupied. With a droop of his shoulder and a small, disappointed sigh, he heads into the double-bedded room with Heiwajima.

Then...

"Wait a minute, this is my house! Why the hell don't I get to call the shots?!"

Namie, laying in bed and staring up at the ceiling, hearing Shingen's voice: What an idiot.

3. Now they've decided where they're sleeping, they make their way to the living room but find that it is empty expect for a few large and heavy boxes which hold the furniture which [1] and [4] have been told to put together within a time limit, how well do they do?

Aoba: Do I look like someone with a body who can handle all this hard labor?

Ran: Thanks a fucking lot, pipsqueak.

Aoba: Seriously. Why can't we make Heiwajima do it?

Ran: Because he'll crush our fucking skulls?

Aoba: Oh.

Aoba: Well, if I told him you asked, then I'll both live and not have to do it.

Ran: *throws an empty box at him*

4. The furniture's together, now for dinner and a rest! [2] and [5] are designated for cooking first. What do they cook? Do they work well together? Does their cooking go down well?

Shingen: *wearing an apron, flattening dough with a rolling pin* I'm baking a cake~! Teehee~

Sheenwuh: *walks through the door, notices Shingen, and then walks back out it*

Shizuo: Um.

Shizuo just sits on the couch eating potato chips instead.

5. A few days pass and a relationship is growing between [3] and [6], is it a good one or is it a bad one? What measures are made to make their relationship blossom, or stop them from attacking each other on sight?

Erika: *talking nonstop about BL, cosplay, and anime*

Namie's internal dialogue: [shut up shut up SHUT THE FUCK UP]

Namie ends up leaving, throwing Shingen out and angrily informing Heiwajima he has a new roommate.

Shizuo is actually taken aback and does not argue.

6. A week has passed and it's time for an eviction! Someone hasn't put in their penny's worth and needs to be gotten rid of. Choose one OC, and have them say their weepy, or exuberant, goodbyes.

Ran: Good fucking riddance.

Namie: *bored voice, dull tone* I'm so sad.

Erika: Aw, maybe next time. :(

Shizuo: Do I know you?

Shingen: Do I know you either?

Aoba: I'm a student. I don't have a job. I can't pay rent. What do you expect?

7. There's a siren in the middle of the night! [1] has tried to escape with [3] as accomplice, however they are both caught, who blames whom, and what is their punishment? Do the other house-mates suffer for it?

Aoba: I'm still here?

Ran: You're still here? Great.

Namie: Why did I agree to this...?

Shingen: For money?

Everyone looked at the floor where there were several pieces of glass from the window having been broken.

Shingen: Well, if you win, you can use it to pay me back~!

Namie: Can't wait...

8. The next task appointed for them arrives in the form of a letter and a pack of bendy wires. They pick up the letter and read that housemates [2] and [4] must make a cube using the fewest number of wires possible within 30 minutes of time. Do they manage it?

Ran: What the fuck? Why?

Shizuo: Uh, nah.

9. That evening, they find alcohol in the refridgerator and a karaoke machine in the living room. However, it is incredibly hard to set up and it's instructions are in Japanese. [5] and [6] are bullied into geting it sorted. How do they get on?

Erika: *staring hard at the instructions* Well, I recognize the characters... It's just...

Shingen: Those bastards! This isn't the version I ordered!

Erika: ...this is in Chinese, not Japanese.

10. Eviction time! Eviction this time is based upon house-mates behaviour and performance in the last week, and sadly, [1] and [3]'s escape attempt has not impressed the higher hand. [1] or [3] must go, choose, and have them say goodbye.

Aoba: I thought I left 6 questions ago...?

Namie: *leaves without a second thought*

Shingen: What about my window???

Shingen looked at Aoba who merely shrugged his shoulders. Then it occrured to him...

"You two were really going to climb down from a 30 story building...?"

"The danger makes it exciting."

Namie, thinking to herself: I was thinking of just going down the fire escape, but okay.

11. Confessions Time! Having been together for two weeks, how do the house-mates feel about the others? How do they feel about the evictions? Let's listen to them now.

Erika: Kishitani-san is okay for a roommate. He's kind of odd, though...

Ran: You want to talk about being weird?

Shingen: You're okay yourself, Karisawa. A bit hard to follow, but okay.

Ran: My little rat-think of a brother is finally gone. Couldn't be better.

*phone rings*

Shingen: Hold on a moment.

Shingen: Hello?

Sheenwuh: Dad, when can I come home?

Shingen: Anytime, son.

Sheenwuh: No, I mean, when is whatever's going on over?

Shingen: Can't hear you either, son, roger. *hangs up*

Shizuo: ...

Shizuo: Do I have to be here or can I leave too?

12. [1] and [4] have become very close, and [6] is jealous and decides to confront [4] about it, what happens?

Erika: Wow, so you miss your brother after all~!

Ran: What??

Aoba: *peeks through hole in the wall* Peekaboo!

Ran: *screams*

Erika: Ah, brotherly love... I think that'll be the next BL manga theme I read about...!

Shizuo:

Shizuo: I've decided that I'm killing myself instead.

13. Their next task is to simply tidy the house, however, they have to do it blindfold, [5] cheats and [2] does nothing, such disobedience so late in the game earns them a time-out and their luxury item is taken away, how do they cope?

Shingen: Ooh~! Kinky.

Shizuo: I'm going to be next to jump out this fucking window I swear to god--

Erika: (But nobody actually jumped out the window...);

14. Due to the cheating in the previous task, the electricity in the building is cut, and the living room is locked off from them. [4] suggests a game of hide-and-seek, does anyone get injured in the dark? Does anyone take this moment to be naughty with another housemate?

Ran: Anyone wanna play Hide-and-Get-Hammered?

Shingen: Is that a drinking game, I see?

Ran: Heh.

Erika: I'm pretty that's not how it's played... or what Izumii-kun means... *she inclines her head, trying to see if Ran's holding something behind him*

15. The living room is open to them again and inside is a television, an XBOX and four Guitar Hero guitars, a not stuck on the television let's them know that it is a play-off between [3] and [6].

Who wins, and did they realise the loser would be evicted?!

Neither of the two are particularly interested in video games, but it gets pretty heated between them (Ran and Erika). Ran calls her a "fujo bitch" throughout, and Erika wins by sticking her bare foot in his lap and freaking him out, causing him to fall onto the floor (and into the loser's seat).

Ran: Yeah, whatever. Fuck this.

Erika: Well, Kishitani-san, it looks like it's just you and me.

Shingen: That it seems.

Shizuo: Uh, guys... I'm still here...

16. With only three house-mates left, tension starts to rise, [1] becomes super-competitive and starts taking over any tasks given to them. [1] accepts a task before even hearing it, and it's challenging them to sit in a bath of maggots for half an hour.

How does [1] react and do they complete the task?

Shizuo: That's fucking disgusting.

Erika: But you said you'd do anything...

Shizuo: *stares at her, eyebrow twitching*

Erika: ...OK.

17. Another Confession. Poor [2] is starting to suffer from cabin fever and is sure the others are out to get them. Let's listen to their ranting.

Shizuo: You know what? Fuck these nutjobs. *leaves*

18. The house-mates realise they are quite quickly running out of food, and find three unlabelled tins in a cupboard, with blindfolds next to them and a letter explaining that two tins are sliced peaches, one is dog-food, they must each choose a tin with their blindfolds on.

Who gets the dog-food, and evicted?

Erika: *walking in the direction of Kadota's place, smiling* Aw, I hope Dotachin's dog will like this brand...

19. The final task denotes the winner of the entire game, the final two house-mates are given an envelope, inside is the instrutions of their last task, they simply are.

"Choose."

Does this shock them? Do they choose themselves as the winner or the other? Do they give their own victory up, or are they selfish?

"Dad, I fucking live here."

"Hmm. I guess that makes both of us the victors, then?"

"Dad, why is there no food in the house?" the brunette asks, looking through the fridge. Then he looks towards the balcony and nearly screams.

"WHY IS THE WINDOW BROKEN???"

20. Now it's (quite abruptly) over, tag someone!

I will not but you can steal it. xD

Fic Recs: Thunderbirds

A while ago I did a Scott!whump Fic Rec.  This time there’s no theme.  Just Thunderbirds!  Characters and genres vary wildly.

Got put in the mood to do this the other week, and after trawling through all my AO3 bookmarks/FFN favourites, and then the archives themselves because I’m terrible and forget to save fics, here are a bunch of my personal favourites.  As always, only complete fics feature (there are many fantastic ongoing ones, but I’m lazy and don’t like having to update fic statuses).

This list is also long.  100+ fics long.  So it’s under a cut to save everyone’s sanity.  There’s also a spreadsheet version of it that I’ll make available if you wanna search by character/genre/universe etc.

Ratings are all using AO3′s Gen/Teen/Mature, so for FFN “K+” fics, I shoved them in either Gen or Teen, depending on my personal opinion.  Likewise, genres are done using FFN’s method for conciseness, so AO3 ones I just kinda guessed.  Only the major characters are listed.

I’ve tagged (attempted to tag, tumblr please behave) authors where I know their tumblr.  If there’s any I haven’t tagged that anyone knows, let me know!

And one last thing before the recs: If there’s anything in particular you want recs for, whether it be a character, a theme, a trope, a fandom, etc. just let me know and I’ll see about putting one together!

Δv/Δt by @tb5-heavenward [Gen; Family; John, Scott; 4k] Deceleration is a function of velocity over time.

A Break In Routine by @loopstagirl [Teen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Scott, Virgil; 15k] They put themselves in danger time and time again. That doesn't mean they can always walk away from it again though.

A Father by rosefields [Gen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Scott, Jeff; 3k] Scott Tracy has been under a lot of pressure since his mother died. But he can cope, it’s not a problem. Jeff know that, his oldest is strong and capable and he doesn’t need his father. Right?

A Guide to Valentine's Day (and how to exploit it) by Silverstar [Gen; Friendship; John, Penelope; 1k] In which John and Penelope pretend to go on a date to make the most of the discounts offered on meals for couples, because Valentine’s Day is about all kinds of love, including the platonic kind. A Seed Once Sown by @darkestwolfx [Gen; Friendship/Humour; Ned, Tracy Family; 4k] Believe it or not, they did have a garden on Tracy Island. It looked a little like a… tip. And that was being kind. A Son By Any Other Name by @space-baegel [Teen; Family/Angst; Scott, Tracy Family, Penelope; 83k] [AU] Cursed as a child, Scott Tracy lives a life in which everyone he encounters must follow all of his given commands. A Summary of Events by PanicPixieDreamGirl [Teen; Family; Tracy Family, Kayo; 3k] This is best described as ‘a look at how IR might function in the real world’ except obviously it’s not quite the real world because it’s several decades in the future and also after a war. A Typical Morning by @louthestarspeaker [Gen; Family/Humour; Tracy Brothers; 6k] The Terrible Two are scheming, Virgil just wants to be sleeping, and the brothers are faced with a bit of a situation. A typical morning in the Tracy household.

Access Denied // The Subject of Virgil by @gumnut-logic [Mature; Angst/Hurt/Comfort; Virgil, Scott; 5k // 8k] He found a way. All Alone by @loopstagirl [Gen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Scott, Grandma; 5k] Scott reaches breaking point for looking after his brothers so Grandma Tracy takes charge of the situation, and her son. Babies and Brothers by @loopstagirl [Gen; Family; Scott, Jeff; 3k] He may grow into the world's most protective big brother, but even Scott needed time to get used to the idea of younger siblings. Back Story by @thunderbirdcarebear [Gen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Scott; 6k] That rock slide while rescuing Kat Kavanaugh has left Scott with more than just a few bruises. Bedtime by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family; Scott; 1k] “They’re my family.” Bring Our Starman Home by @lenle-g [Teen; Hurt/Comfort/Family; John, Scott; 28k] When a meteor hits Thunderbird 5 while shields are down, the Tracy family think John is dead for sure. Scott has prepared himself to fly up in TB3 with Alan to retrieve a body, for John couldn't possibly still be alive after that... could he? Bruised by @gumnut-logic [Gen; Hurt/Comfort; Scott, Virgil; 2k] Sometimes the prescription is simple, if unexpected. Buckle by Teobi [Gen; Family; Scott, Grandma; 1k] She finds him sitting at his father's desk, when everyone else has gone to bed. Candy Strippers by Chobrowny [Gen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Scott, Virgil, Gordon; 1k] The boys are unintentional candy stripers, visiting a childrens hospital in IR gear. Career Day by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family; Outside PoV, Alan; 7k] It is Career Day at school for eleven year old Alan Tracy. He has just lost his father. Who will he invite? Communications by nhsweetcherry [Gen; Adventure/Humour; Tracy Brothers; 4k] Random, short snippets of conversations between the guys. Some funny, some more serious. Coping Mechanism by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Hurt/Comfort/Angst; Virgil, Gordon, Scott; 7k] “I get you guys are busy and I’m spoilt that you all visit when you can, but honestly, this isn’t about me. This is out of character for Virg.” A pause. “And I miss him, okay?” Dare To Hope by i_amnerd [Gen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Scott, John; 1k] Not for the first time, Scott wishes that little brothers came with some kind of training manual or instruction booklet. Denied by @thunderstorm-bay [Teen; Family; Gordon; 4k] Gordon is frustrated after "Deep Search" and "City Under The Sea". Different by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family; John, Kayo; 2k] John Tracy is different. Dinosaur Dilemma by @godsliltippy [Teen; Action/Adventure; Gordon, Alan; 14k] Never in a million years would International Rescue have thought they would be rescuing victims from dinosaurs. Alan's excited, Virgil is... well, Virgil, John's out of his element, and Gordon is terrified. Edge of the World // Here Be Dragons by Corbyinoz2 [Teen; Hurt/Comfort/Adventure; Gordon, Virgil, Scott; 47k // 114k] When returning from a rescue mission, Thunderbird Two is attacked by an unknown force. As Virgil and Gordon plummet towards the ocean, their chances of survival will depend, as it always does, on each other. Every time it snows by allandmore [Teen; Hurt/Comfort; Scott, Gordon; 5k] A simple mountain rescue goes wrong for International Rescue. Gordon battles the elements and his memories, and Scott has a tough decision to make. Exhaustion by @sugar-fiend [Teen; Suspense/Angst; Alan, John, Scott; 9k] A rescue mission in space is interrupted with deadly consequences… Expected & Unexpected by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family; Gordon, Virgil, Scott; 1k] He had brothers. It was inevitable, but sometimes unexpected. Facts of Life by Kaeera [Teen; Drama; Scott; 5k] There are some situations – lying on a floor in a pool of your own blood, for example – that really put things into perspective. Famous Last Words by @loopstagirl [Gen; Family; Scott; 2k] All Scott wanted was for everyone to be quiet so nothing else could go wrong. That was apparently too much to ask. Fires of Adversity by NKala99 [Teen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Alan; 39k] Not everyone is supportive of Alan’s new and improved attitude towards school. First Times by @loopstagirl [Gen; Family/Humour; Scott; 3k] In which Scott forgets the speed of Thunderbird One, Virgil and John come up with a new form of torture and Gordon is after revenge. Just a normal day in the Tracy household then. Five Times Alan Flew Another Thunderbird by Silverstar [Teen; Hurt/Comfort/Family; Alan; 61k] ...and the one time he didn't. Five Times The Floor Was Not Lava by Silverstar [Gen; Humour/Family; Tracy Brothers; 5k] ...and the one time it was. Flat Packed by @hedwigstalons [Gen; Humour; Scott; 600] A simple mission leaves Scott minus two brothers and plus one headache Game On by @loopstagirl [Gen; Family; Scott, Virgil; 12k] As their future Field Commander, it was up to Scott to make sure his brothers were ready for duty - physically as well as mentally. Grudgingly Human by Yarnaholic [Mature; Angst; Scott; 4k] Scott faces some old demons while trying to talk down a man standing on a building ledge after a rescue. He Is, They Are by ThatGirlSix [Teen; Family; Tracy Brothers; 90k] Fixing what was wrong with their family was going to take longer than the span of a Disney movie, but they'd get there eventually. They lived on an island. It wasn't like there was anywhere else to go. He's WHERE? by @loopstagirl [Gen; Family; Virgil, Scott; 1k] Virgil's reaction to finding out that the Hood is in Thunderbird Two... His Part by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family, Angst; Scott, Virgil, Tracy Brothers; 4k] It started off as a mild annoyance. Holiday From Hell by @loopstagirl [Teen; Family, Hurt/Comfort; Scott, Virgil, Jeff; 158k] It was supposed to be the break they all needed to put the last year behind them and take a step forward. But things never do work out that easily for the Tracys. Homecoming by @loopstagirl [Gen; Family; Scott, John; 2k] There are times when only a big brother can help. When something seems to be on John's mind, Scott steps up to the challenge. I Dream of Genie by @godsliltippy [Teen; Action/Friendship; Penelope, Gordon; 50k] Penelope stumbles across a treasure that could bring more frustration than she bargained for. Illusion of a Saint by AlternateReality1 [Teen; Spiritual/Suspense; Scott, Hood; 92k] There’s an enemy admist their ranks. He’s hidden in plain sight. The question is… when will the illusion be shattered? In Enemy Hands by Claudette [Gen; Adventure, Drama; Scott, John; 62k] When the secrets of International Rescue are offered for sale to the highest bidder the Tracy family must act quickly. However, their secrets are not the only thing that is at stake. In The Trunk by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Scott, Virgil; 1k] “Why don’t you ever listen to me?!” It Wasn't Me! by @janetm74fics [Gen; Family; Gordon, Scott; 3k] It's not like it isn't the first time Gordon had accidentally hurt one of his brothers, but this time? When his dad doesn't believe him Gordon decides to find the one person who will make everything better. John Tracy hated taking public transport by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Friendship; John; 2k] Every trip he buried himself in his own world whether it be his work, research, a good book or even a movie. He shut the world out and more importantly anyone who sat next to him.  Sometimes this was not possible.  Because sometimes they spoke to him. Just Another Rescue by teddy0bear [Gen; Family/Adventure; Scott, Virgil; 16k] A rescue turns into a hostage situation Just Let It Go by @angelofbenignmalevolence [Gen; Family; Scott, Gordon; 1k] Scott was just trying to get a little work done. Alan and Gordon were working on Alan's schoolwork. What could possibly go wrong? La tarte aux pommes d'or by Yarol2075 [Gen; Friendship; Scott, Mechanic; 400] Scott needs to thank the Mechanic - it really shouldn't be so hard. Labyrinth by TB's LMC [Mature; Horror/Supernatural; Scott; 12k] One minute Scott Tracy’s at Mobile Control directing a rescue. The next, he’s in a fight for his life. Line 'Em Up Bartender by @madilayn [Teen; Friendship; Scott, John, Colonel Casey; 800] Scott, John and Colonel Casey find a way to cope with one of Jeff's speeches at a Charity Function. Living Like Kings by CLynnB [Gen; Family; Tracy Family; 35k] The world wants to know more about the Tracy brothers. So Lady Penelope takes it upon herself to show the world just who they are. Through YouTube. Making Changes by @madilayn [Teen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Tracy Brothers; 17k] Jeff Tracy has gone missing and International Rescue has to make some changes to cope with this. Merman by @janetm74fics [Gen; Family; Gordon; 700] He'd always wanted to be a merman. Ever since he was old enough to swim and read, his life had been filled with the sea and the things in the sea. A twist of fate may just give him that wish. Missing Scene: The Uninvited by Juud18 [Gen; Family; Scott; 2k] In between Scott being found by Lindsey and Wilson, and the scene where Scott, TinTin, Virgil, Brains, and Wilson and Lindsey are sitting at the campfire. Mission Impossible by @loopstagirl [Teen; Family/Adventure; Scott, Gordon; 55k] Being selected for his first solo mission should have been exciting for Captain Scott Tracy of the Air Force. But there was something else at play. Something dangerous and deadly. Something that could cost him more than his life. Monsters in the Dark by @loopstagirl [Gen; Family; Scott, Virgil; 3k] Scott was used to checking for monsters to keep his little brothers happy. He just wasn't so used to actually dealing with said monsters. More Than I Bargained For by puppetonalonelystring [Teen; Action/Hurt/Comfort; Scott; 13k] Scott attends a Yale reunion party thinking that it cannot turn out any worse than the last one. Unfortunately, things are never simple for the Tracy brothers - when things turn complicated for Scott he has to depend on his brothers to help sort the situation out, or the secrets of International Rescue will be exposed Never Too Late // Never Too Lost // Never Too Long by @loopstagirl [Teen; Hurt/Comfort/Family; Scott, Jeff; 58k // 75k // 138k] As the family deal with grief, Scott must face his fears and grow up, whilst Jeff battles between being dad and being a successful businessman. But what will it take to bring the two of them back together again? On Their Side by @gumnut-logic [Gen; Family/Humour; Colonel Casey, Gordon, Virgil; 1k] She trusted these boys with a great deal. Once In A Blue Moon by WhatHaveWeDone [Teen; Hurt/Comfort; Virgil, John; 3k] It was an aligning of the planets when John and Virgil got to work together. Out of Your Mind // All in Your Mind by @loopstagirl [Teen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Gordon, Tracy Family, Hood; 75k // 149k] They can defy the odds and snatch people from the jaws of death on a daily basis. But sometimes, not all dangers come in a physical form. Over and Out by @thunderbirdcarebear [Gen; Hurt/Comfort/Family; Scott; 5k] An incident at an earthquake rescue leaves Scott frustrated when he’s injured. Parameters by @drdone [Teen; Family; Scott, John; 1k] “Just pretend to be my date” with John and Scott - in a non-shippy way. Picnic by ThatGirlSix [Teen; Family; Gordon, Virgil; 13k] Every Tracy has a type of job they hate, be them car crashes, hotel fires, mine collapses, whatever. Gordon absolutely hates tornadoes with a passion. No, really, he hates tornadoes. His life would be so much better if they never did another tornado job ever again. The rest of the family is starting to think so, too. Plus One Tracy by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Humour; Tracy Brothers, Kayo; 2k] So which Tracy is right for you? Pranks and Tempers by shadowfox8 [Teen; Angst/Family; Alan, Scott, Gordon; 8k] It was only supposed to be an innocent prank, but Gordon didn't bargain for more. Questions Like A Whirlwind by @darkestwolfx [Teen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Scott, John; 6k] He couldn't put it into words. He wasn't sure they'd understand if he did. He felt like a child, he felt like a murder, he felt… like he'd lost something and had no clue how to put it back in place by himself. Rescue by taralynden [Gen; Hurt/Comfort/Drama; Scott; 26k] On the way home from a rescue, Thunderbird One crashes and it’s up to Scott’s family to save him. Scott Series: Fallen Brother by QuestRunner [Teen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Scott, Alan; 11k] In a rare chance to bond with his youngest brother, Scott takes Alan with him on a simple mission to repair a damaged satellite. With tempers running high, the boys find themselves arguing over the roles they play in International Rescue. When Alan slips off a cliff, it’s up to Scott to save his brother and mend their broken relationship. Scott Series: Hidden Pain by QuestRunner [Teen; Hurt/Comfort/Family; Scott, Virgil; 4k] Scott suffers from a mysterious pain in his abdomen, but continues to push the limits on and off the field. Scott Series: Negative Split by QuestRunner [Teen; Family/Adventure; Scott, Virgil; 6k] Scott recruits Virgil as his fellow running partner for an upcoming 10K. When a mission takes a turn for the worst, Scott must put his running skills to the test before his whole world comes crashing down around him. Second Helpings by mcj [Mature; Family/Romance; Gordon, Alan, Grandma, Tin-Tin; 10k] Gordon Tracy's point of view of a VERY precarious romantic situation! Second Round by @darkestwolfx [Gen; Family/Humour; Virgil; 4k] All he wanted was a shower. Why did shopping have to be so complicated? And why did he always end up going? Next time, Scott could be lumped with the responsibility, smaller craft or not. Shattered by @singmetothesun [Gen; Hurt/Comfort/Family; Scott, Gordon; 2k] One Tracy brother leaves his feelings bottled up, until the smother hen catches him out. Shiver // Smacked by @loopstagirl [Teen; Hurt/Comfort/Family; Scott; 44k // 4k] When one of the Thunderbirds is infecting with something deadly, will the rest of the Tracys be able to save one of their own? Or are they about to be torn apart by grief again? Sidelined by @drdone [Gen; Family; Scott, Alan; 1k] Scott's sidelined for the time being and decides to ask Alan about college. Six Point Five by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Humour/Hurt/Comfort; Virgil, Scott; 1k] “So, Mr Tracy, on a scale of one to ten how would you rate the pain you are in?" Sky Candy by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Humour/Family; Virgil, Scott, Gordon; 4k] It was a pterodactyl sized bird. Possibly an elephant with wings. Sleeping Wounded by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Scott, Virgil, Fischler; 14k] Scott Tracy punched Langstrom Fischler. Sometimes by @loopstagirl [Gen; Family; Scott; 1k] Sometimes, Scott hates being the oldest. But are there some hidden perks... Stuck Like Glue by @drdone [Gen; Family; Scott, Virgil; 2k] Scott is stuck to Virgil like glue. Literally. Summonings by @loopstagirl [Gen; Family; Scott, Jeff; 2k] Alan isn't the only one in trouble at the beginning of Spring Break in regards to the 'birds. Swamped by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family; Virgil, Gordon; 1k] So here he was standing in his undershorts on top of his 'bird in the middle of the ocean for all nearby female aristocrats to see. Take a minute by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family; Virgil, Scott; 2k] A mechanical fault forces Virgil to take a minute in the middle of the Australian Outback. Terror After New York by @loopstagirl [Gen; Family; Scott, Gordon; 2k] It was all over. The rescue complete and everyone back safe and sound, finally. Yet it didn't seem as if everything had yet been put behind them entirely. The Antarctic Incident by @space-baegel, @tb5-heavenward [Teen; Adventure/Drama; Tracy Brothers; 9k] Thunderbird Two goes down in the middle of an Antarctic blizzard. The Assignment by Kaeera [Gen; Humour/Drama; Scott; 10k] Twelve year old Scott struggles with a writing assignment. Honestly, when you have four younger brothers, it can be hard finding time for yourself. The Bite by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Angst/Hurt/Comfort; Virgil, Scott; 1k] “I need my big brother, not his sacrifice.” the devil vs Gordon Tracy by @tb5-heavenward [Teen; Family; Gordon, Scott; 6k] Being a discussion about the namesakes of some lizards. The Fire by mcj [Mature; Family; Tracy Family; 22k] “Sometimes all you need is a little quiet reflection." The Hardest Thing by eriphi [Gen; Family; Scott, Jeff; 5k] How do you manage a billion dollar business and parent four growing boys at the same time? It takes something serious to make Jeff realise that he isn’t managing as well as he thought. The Most Dangerous Game by @godsliltippy [Teen; Action/Adventure; Scott, Gordon; 23k] Scott and Gordon find themselves unwilling participants. The One Where John Gets a Hug by Silverstar [Teen; Hurt/Comfort/Angst; John; 21k] Spending months by yourself has never been advisable behaviour, and John's never been good at asking people for help. Or: the Tracys learn the magical art of communication, with a load of hugs thrown in for good measure. The Proof is in the Jello by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family/Hurt/Comfort; Gordon, Alan; 3k] “Call it what you want, but I’m not going to let you rot in that room.” The Silent Conversation by mcj [Teen; Hurt/Comfort; Scott; 5k] The sound of sirens, a flash of light and waking up under a pile of rubble. How can Scott survive knowing help just might not come? The Spider Incident by Silverstar [Teen; Humour/Family; Virgil, Tracy Brothers; 5k] It takes a certain kind of bravery to save the world... it takes a different kind of bravery to remove a spider from the shower. Or: there is a spider, and the Tracy boys are disasters. The Splinter by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family; Virgil, Jeff; 1k] Now he had backup. The Venetian Venture by @tb5-heavenward [Teen; Romance; Gordon, Penelope; 11k] Penelope takes Gordon on a mission to Venice the waffle house blues by @akireyta, @tb5-heavenward [Teen; Family; Tracy Brothers; 5k] Wherein a bunch of boys sit around a restaurant, eating breakfast food and dozing on and off and talking about life. To Raise Havoc by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family; Havoc, Hood; 1k] They had to come from somewhere and he was more than she ever expected. Tomorrow Never Knows by Silverstar [Teen; Hurt/Comfort/Angst; Gordon, Alan, Scott; 110k] Things had not gone according to plan, to say the least. Now they were trapped on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere with no hope of rescue and increasingly slim chances of survival. To make matters worse, the Chaos Crew had shown up. This was not going to be a fun week. Triple Jeopardy by Purupuss [Teen; Drama; Tracy Brothers; 217k] One inventor and one set of plans. But triple trouble for the Tracys and International Rescue. V.T. Green by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family; Virgil; 23k] “Did you discover this, Brains?” He frowned. There was something familiar about this. Maybe they had discussed it recently. “Oh, no, this is V. T. Green. The man is brilliant.” We'll Be Home For Christmas by @gumnut-logic [Teen; Family/Friendship; Virgil, Tracy Brothers; 68k] The boys can’t fly home for Christmas, so they have to find another way. Weathering the Storm by tiylaya [Teen; Adventure/Angst; Scott, Gordon; 102k] When an unexpected storm shipwrecks a holidaying Jeff Tracy and three of his young sons, they’re thrown into a situation far more dangerous and complex than anyone initially realises.

tower of mistakes [pt.2] - o. tooru & k. kyotani

summary; i had to use you to make me feel strong.

genre; angst with no happy ending, angst, sad, there is no happy here, regrets were made

word count; 1.3k

warnings; dark themes, mentions of scooter ankle [su*cide], mentions of bullying

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ part 1

a/n; so people actually want a part two of my dumbass lowkey venting with a song? litty, this is gonna be following oikawa more than it will follow y/n and kyotani so yeah. take this sequel that will never top the first part

this one will be based off the song, “my time” by bo en. the translations might not be accurate so forgive me. i know the song isn’t abt scooter ankle but it fits well with the story.

Close you eyes, you’ll be here soon.

Oikawa didn’t think much after you left the team. One less person that could ruin the team right? He thought.

At first.

He saw you in the halls once in a while. You looked so dull...almost dead. It nearly scared him. What had happened after you left? Why did you look like that now?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5 minutes

As time passed by, he watched you from afar as others hurt you with words more than actions. Is this what happened even before you joined? He had wondered. He had noticed how the new manager got too close to his teammates. He can remember how you were too scared to get close to anyone. Yet, you were somewhat close to Kyotani. Why?

I really want to sleep. But I cannot.

But he realized, you saw him as a form of protection from the world. Even with how rough and rude Kyotani was, you found a safe place with him though it wasn’t much. It meant a lot to Oikawa when he noticed how you preferred the angry male over him at first but now that he looked back at it, it made sense. Kyotani kept people away, you just wanted a safe place away from others. He was that safe place.

The rumors and everything took that away from you. He took that away from you. Oikawa couldn’t imagine the pain you felt after you were forced to quit. He took away something you found safety in. The only safe place you had was taken away from you.

Goodnight.

The new manager seemed rather lazy as the days went by. Oikawa noticed it, Iwazumi noticed it, and even Kyotani noticed it. She did the bare minimum of her manager work. y/n would always do the most. Oikawa thought subconsciously. When the new manager finished the minimum of the work, she would be on her phone.

Goodnight.

y/n wouldn’t do that. He thought again. He can remember when you were so generous with helping the others. Iwazumi often had to scold you and tell you to take a break. Kyotani would even urge you to take a break. The new manager took a lot of breaks, it was questionable to the entire team if she really did her job as manager or not.

Goodnight.

Oikawa often used to find the girl snickers with others and pointing at someone. That someone was you but Oikawa never had a chance to find out.

Goodnight.

Oikawa was restless, what more did he take away from you? What more bad did he do before you went up and left without a trace? The rumors.

Goodnight, goodnight. Close your eyes and you’ll leave this dream.

He knew how bad rumors could get. He was popular after all. He can think about a few of those rumors that made you and Kyotani uncomfortable. Sometimes you were assumed to be a couple but you knew it was far from being that. 

That’s strike one.

Somebody had framed you for hurting someone. Everyone believed the rumor. Unfortunately, the team did too because all the evidence had pointed to you despite you knowing you never did it (and the mere fact that no one let you defend yourself).

That’s strike two.

You paid your way into the team. People had claimed. They thought you weren’t worthy enough to be a manager. Oikawa sometimes felt like that when it came to volleyball. He wondered how often you felt that way when you were in the team.

That’s strike three.

Goodnight, goodnight. I know that it’s hard to do.

Why couldn’t he realize it sooner? Maybe this wouldn’t have happened then. The dread that hung along every member of the team everytime your name would be uttered. People would talk about you as if you were an old friend but it was far from the truth. You were a victim. The team realized that. Fellow classmates didn’t want to acknowledge the truth. They were the cause of your demise.

Days go by. Oh, well. Moments passed, shattered glass.

The team lived with the guilt, the misery, the suffering of knowing that they could’ve done something but they didn’t. Oikawa watched the life get sucked out of the team as news of your death spread. It hit him rather hard but not as hard as it hit Kyotani. While Kyotani didn’t talk much to you, he liked your presence.

But his last words to you were, “Stop getting in my way!” He yelled at you before you got kicked off the team and that was the last time he talked to you. He regrets it now. He wished he didn’t push you away when you were only trying to care for him. His last words to you were burning in his mind. He hated it because he knew he was one of the reasons you were now gone. 

Hands of time. Where’s that chime?

He never said anything but he knew that you found a safe place with him. He was your safe place and he managed to mess it up when it was so easy to not mess it up. He knew a lot about your situation back then, he told you to ignore it. That he would take care of it. But he didn’t. That’s what made it hurt more. 

He was supposed to keep you safe. But he didn’t. 

In my head. I’ll just...I’ll just...I’ll just...I’ll just...

It was the day. More like the anniversary. It was the day you died. Oikawa swallowed the lump in his throat. It was his last year in Aoba Johsai, it would’ve been yours too. It was time to pay you a visit. The third years and second years stayed behind as the first years left the gym. There’s a dead silence. Everyone knew what was gonna happen.

The walk is short. Or maybe they were too fast. They all stood in front of the gravestone.

y/n l/n

Your name was engraved with the usual stuff that would be on a grave.

Hands of time will wring my neck. Every little moment spells regret.

Oikawa’s hands shake as he places the flowers the ground. He starts to talk as if you were still there. Still there and able to be their manager. Still there and alive. It doesn’t take long for the other to join in. They seemed to understand that Oikawa did this to cope easier. Iwazumi knew he did this every time they visited you. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t do it either.

But I don’t have to feel this way. As a voice inside my head.

“I’m sorry.”

Goodnight.

“We hurt you.”

Goodnight.

“You didn’t deserve it at all.”

Goodnight.

“I hope you will live peacefully in another life.”

Goodnight.

Kyotani was the first one to leave. He didn’t want to face you even in you were in a grave. He thought he didn’t deserve it. To see you. To even face you. That this was his fault. He walked. And walked.

Goodnight, goodnight. Close your eyes and you’ll leave this dream.

He stopped by the convenience store, walking right in to grab a drink and a snack. More specifically your favorites. It had become routine for him and you to go here and buy stuff. It was still routine for him. Maybe it was because it left so many memories for him. He didn’t wanna leave the memories. He wished he cherished them more.

Goodnight, goodnight. I know that it’s hard to do.

He arrived home, waving off his mother and father and going straight to his room. He was greeted by the corkboard that hung on his room. It was filled with memories. Memories that he wished that he was happier in. 

Goodnight, goodnight. Close your eyes and you’ll leave this dream.

Goodnight, goodnight. I know that it’s hard to do.

He sat on his bed, face buried in his hands. His shoulders trembling and before he knew it, he was crying. 

Goodnight, goodnight. Close your eyes and you’ll leave this dream.

Goodnight, goodnight. I know that it’s hard to do.

“Goodnight y/n. I wish I was there for you more.”

Theodorus Fluff Alphabet (D, H, I, J, K)

To celebrate his route release!!!!

What's up lovelies IM SOOOOO PSYCHED FOR THEO'S ROUTE I CAN'T CONTAIN MYSELF 😩😩😩😩😩 CURSE MY LACK OF CHAPTER TICKETS I WOULD FLY THROUGH THIS SO FAST BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY FALLEN FOR THE MAN

now to get back on topic, here are a few fluff headcanons I did a good while ago for someone on Amino but I'm only getting around to posting now. I'll post my rules soon and then you all can request any fluff headcanons you like!! :)

And disclaimer, I haven't played his route before until like right now so I apologize for any inconsistencies!!!

✨Without further ado, here we go✨:

D = Dream (what do they dream of doing with their s/o?)

Theo probably dreams of taking you out with him to see art of all kinds. He's an art dealer and art is his passion in spite of the risks of his trade, and dreams of being able to take you with him all the time. His main apprehension is getting you 1) roped into trouble and 2) dragging you out to the point of exhaustion. It can be an exhausting job, leaving early in the morning and not returning until rather late, but if you show enthusiasm to accompany him and passion in what he treasures so dear, he'll fall in love with you 10× harder and that dream will come true.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Theo is a puppy at heart, so he adores hugs. Never in public, though. Whether it be the residents of the mansion or strangers while the two if you are out and about, Theo does not have the spine to receive PDA, and the most he will give is probably pulling you through a crowd by the wrist. Whenever you're alone he flips like a switch, though, and loves nothing more than to melt in your arms, leaning against you and resting his head on your shoulder. He has to remember that he's actually quite heavy and needs to support his own weight, or he might crush you. He prefers it when you initiate (taking a little bit of the embarrassment away from this tsundere prick c; ), and favors hugs where he can snuggle his face into your hair or neck. Even after you've hugged for the thousandth time, he's still somewhat embarrassed to make eye contact, and nuzzling where he can take in your scent is a good replacement.

I = Intimacy (How romantic are they? Do they have problems with intimacy?)

Theo can be a romantic when he wishes to be, and the main thing that pushes him to it is seeing the way it flusters you. He used to consider many romantic gestures as incredibly (and unbearably) cheesy, but if it turns your face beet red then he's sold on it. Given that nobody else is there to see, Theo's favorite forms of intimacy and romance are primarily physical. He's not very good with words and not very gracious at giving gifts, but be it a ruffle of your hair as he passes you by or a kiss to your neck behind closed doors, he treasures that. He likes those mellow moments under the moonlight, lying together in either silence or filling it with idle conversation whispered by gentle voices.

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous? How do they act when jealous?)

Whoever made Theo jealous better run

JKSJSKSJSK

If you want an idea of how Theo is when he's jealous, just think of how protective he is of Vincent.

He's probably an easily jealous person, but not so much that it's toxic or manipulative. It's triggered by little things (you smiling too warmly at one of the mansion residents, or accidentally brushing up against one if them, or Arthur getting too close when he flirts with you), and it's usually very visible on his scowling face. He tries his best to trust you and keep his feelings a secret, because these things are bound to happen in a mansion full of men. And telling you... oh dear... telling you he got jealous would be more embarrassing than he can handle. So instead, if he feels that you aren't giving him enough attention, he will just pull you away by the wrist and come up with some excuse to take you with him to town

His way of taking you out on a spontaneous date, but he'll never admit that's what it is. Instead he'll come up with a stupid excuse

"No, stop looking at me like that, hondje. You're just working so damn hard all the time, I don't want to deal with you fainting or anything... that would be such a bother."

K = Kiss (Are they a good kisser? Do they like to kiss? How often do they try to kiss you?)

Theo is probably a bit of a tease when it comes to kissing, liking to leave a kiss on the cheek or corner of the mouth and then leaning away. He likes to see you pout or stand on your toes to reach him, so that makes it all worth it. Like with hugs, he loves it when you initiate, but if you're not alone he can and WILL turn beet red and look away. He's a softie deep inside and would love to leave longer, more loving kisses, just... not when anyone's looking...

Even in private it probably takes him awhile to get used to kissing with more intimate and romantic meaning (he copes with embarrassment by teasing so if you take that away he'll be jello inside), but once he gets a bit more used to it he really enjoys it for what it is.

•••

Thanks so much guys 😫😫😫 sorry if my formatting is a mess I am VERY NEW TO THIS but I hope that I can make lots of friends here and you'll at least enjoy a bit of what I write ;____;;;; ILL POST MORE IN THE FUTURE TOO OK MWAAAAAH ❤❤❤❤❤

If you wanna see some ikevamp art I have some on my art page @magnumm-opus 👉👈 the algorithm really IGNORES ME so who knows maybe you'd like to check it out, only if u want to ofc 😭😭😭❤❤❤❤😫😫😫 ILL BE POSTING THEO CONTENT VV SOON TOO SO DON'T WORRY

New Beginnings

Synopsis: Yet another new beginning for you and your family finds you completely unprepared. How will you cope with the new environment? What happens when unnecessary drama weasels into your quiet life?

Word Count: 6,5 k

Genre: high school au!, angst, fluff

Warnings: Fighting, some cursing

Member: Jisung, ft Felix, Yeji (Itzy) and Geonhak (Oneus)

A/N: This one is dedicated to the person who shared my dream even though we didn’t get to make it happen together. To the person that is only a text away to hear me scream about one thing or the other. I hope you enjoy this one love.

 “Okay. You can do this” you told yourself.

   You were sitting in your car in your brand new school's parking lot, your thoughts getting louder as the only sound heard was the AC. Even the simple task of parking your car seemed like a huge hurdle, as busy groups of teenagers hung out around their friends’ cars.

   It was just your luck, your mother’s job making you move yet again after five years in sunny Miami. You couldn’t help but be heartbroken as you left your friends behind, packing up your room for the nth time and hitting the road. But, of course, it was just one year. Your senior year was before you and you couldn’t wait to be out of the house and in college sooner rather than later.

   With one last breath, you pushed your thoughts to the back of your mind, picking up your backpack from the passenger seat and walking out of your car. Your new school loomed over you, the building looking extremely intimidating as you stood in front of it. Your fist was tightly wrapped around a piece of paper filled with instructions that the school had provided you with.

   So, the first item on your check list was finding your locker. The number was D-31, but you worried over how you’d manage to find it. The small map on your hands provided little help, so you would have to settle for your luck. Walking up the steps, you entered the building only to find it bustling with people. Loud voices were heard from every direction, students trying to find each other in the hallways and people walking back and forth. 

  You sighed, eyes desperately trying to find an indication as to where to look for your locker. You decided to go further inside and try your luck there. The hallways seemed to you like a puzzle, one you desperately wanted to solve. You passed by other students who paid you no mind, longing to meet with their friends after the long summer break.

   You too, longed for your best friend, Yeji, to be there. You wished you could’ve taken her with you, for being without her left you feeling bare and lonely. You shook those thoughts away, your nails instinctively burying themselves to the flesh of your palm, half-moons of pain helping you regain your focus. It was no use thinking about things you couldn’t help. 

  At that moment, your eyes met with the indicator for hallway D. Your heart picked up at your chest, finding this small silver lining the highlight of your day. You quickly located your locker, D-31 and rushed to unpack your backpack, which was overflowing with textbooks. There would be time to decorate later, but for now, your mind was set in leaving your books and getting to English.

  You were still stacking your books when you felt your phone buzz in the pocket of your jacket. With a glance at your phone’s screen, you were met with your brother’s face and you didn’t hesitate to pick up the call.

   “Hey, ‘Hak,” you said.

   “Well if it isn’t the new girl! How are you little one? How was moving? Sorry I couldn’t be there” your brother said, talking quickly.

   “Geonhak I swear I hate being the new girl so much. It took me like ten minutes just to find my locker! Ugh, I can’t believe you’ve left me all alone” you whined into the phone.

   “Sorry little one, but I’m trying to get an education here? You know so I can possibly work and make money one day?” he teased you.

   “Yeah right, just say that you couldn’t get your hands off that new girl of yours and let’s get it over with. I know you have no time for your baby sister anyways” you teased him in return.

   “Look, I’m going to be there next week, alright? Just hang in there for a little while.” he said, his tone turning serious.

   “I know, ‘Hak. I’ll be just fine, don’t worry” you reassured him.

   With a few last words, you ended the call, shoving your phone back in your jacket’s pocket and facing your locker once again. You had placed the map of the school somewhere in your binder in a hurry and now, you couldn’t find it. Typical. 

   Just then, you felt someone lean on the locker next to yours. You paid no mind, still focused on the task at hand, only sparing the boy a few glances through your peripheral vision.  

   “You’re the new girl, aren’t you?” he asked, a gummy smile lighting up his face.

   You were stunned, looking at him wide eyed. How..?

   “Is it that obvious?” You asked him.

   “No! Not at all. I’m just- I’m Han Jisung, the class president? The secretary told me that this would be your locker” the boy, no, Jisung, told you.

   Your mouth formed an ‘oh’ at his explanation and you nodded your head. You introduced yourself too, shaking his hand to top it all off. Jisung was still smiling, which caused a smile to spread on your face as well. You instantly felt better now that you at least knew someone’s name.

   “Can I take a look at your timetable?” Jisung asked.

   “Uhm, sure, but why?” you asked, already fumbling with the papers to find your timetable.

   “You’ll see.” Jisung said, taking your timetable off of your hands.

   His eyes made quick work of the small board, as he fumbled his pockets for something. He finally found what he was looking for, taking out a pen from his pocket. He unclasped the lid, holding it between his teeth as he circled certain classes on your schedule. 

   You stood in silence as you watched him, still not quite sure what was happening. Once he was done, he put the pen back into one of his pockets and turned to face you.

   “Well we’re not sharing too many classes but at least it’s something. Let’s get you to English now, shall we?” Jisung asked.

   Having connected the dots, you took your timetable back, shoving it inside your locker before installing your new lock. With a small nod at Jisung to indicate you’re ready, you were off.

   You noticed that Jisung was good at making small talk and you were grateful to see that he was content to do all the talking as you simply nodded or provided small input to his train of thought. You finally arrived at your classroom and Jisung was quick to say goodbye.

   “I’m going to run off to Chem. See you later Y/N!” Jisung said, waving goodbye at you.

   You were left to enter the classroom by yourself, so you did just that. Only a few people were in the classroom already, which left you much room to pick your seat. You chose a seat in one of the middle rows and next to the window, settling down quickly as more and more people started pouring in the classroom.

   A boy took the seat next to yours, pointing at his friend to take the seat in front of him. You spared glances at them, too shy to say hello. As they sat down, their chairs scratched the floor, making you wince at the sound. The boy next to you noticed your discomfort, offering you an apologetic smile.

   “Sorry” he mouthed to you.

   You nodded, giving him a shy smile back. He was about to introduce himself when the teacher walked in, causing the room to grow silent. When taking attendance, you learned that the boy’s name was Lee Felix, making a small note in your mind for his name. The teacher then used your first meeting to walk you through the syllabus for his class.

   When the teacher announced you’ll have a big group project, you felt yourself sigh. You should’ve expected it, and yet you found yourself completely unprepared. Your leg bounced up and down as you got increasingly more nervous, your head already picturing your failure. That’s when you heard a whisper come from the boy next to you.

   “Hey, Y/N, wanna group with us?” Felix asked.

   You smiled at him, nodding your head and feeling a wave of relief wash over you. Felix beamed at you in return, returning his attention to the teacher. The rest of the lesson flew by, the loud ringing of the bell making you jump in your seat. You chuckled at yourself, hurrying to pick up your things and get to your next class.

   “Y/N?” Felix asked from beside you.

   “Yeah?” you answered.

   “Can I have your number? Or maybe your insta? You know, for the project?” he asked.

    “Sure” you replied, taking his phone off of his hands and adding yourself on his Instagram and his contacts.

   “What’s your next class?” he asked as you both exited the classroom together.

   “Algebra I think, I have to check though, I have the memory of a goldfish” you joked.

   Felix chuckled, nodding his head in understanding.

   “Ugh, Algebra it is. My least favourite subject” you whined.

   “Same here. What am I supposed to do with all this stuff?” Felix said with a laugh. “Good thing we’ll be together there too! I’ll grab some books from my locker and I’ll see you there?”

   You nodded at him, a smile lighting up your face. Maybe making friends wouldn’t be as hard as you thought after all.

----------------------------------------------------------

    Jisung was sitting on top of the table at the cafeteria, Hyunjin and Seungmin sitting on either side of him, talking about one thing or the other. His eyes were trained up front, watching the doors that led to the cafeteria closely and waiting for you to walk in. He took lazy bites off of his sandwich despite not feeling too hungry at the moment. He knew very well that he would regret it later if he didn’t eat now.

   As he waited, he was able to tune out his friends’ conversation and get lost inside his own thoughts. The whole day, he wasn’t able to get you off his mind… But why? Why was the shy new girl affecting him so much? It didn’t make sense. Jisung barely dated and had little to no interest in the girls in his year. So why now? Why you?

   Finally, your familiar form walked in, head hanging low and eyes trained to your feet. Jisung leaped from his seat, dropping his half eaten sandwich and making his way towards you, lips turning upwards into a smile. His smile faltered as he saw you glance back, Felix falling into step with you.

   He tried to shake his darkening thoughts away, despite feeling something in him growl. He should be happy you were able to find a friend, he could tell from the get go you were a shy person. He couldn’t expect you to talk exclusively to him, right?

   He reached your side and rejoiced when you smiled widely as your eyes met.

   “Hey, Y/N!” he greeted you.

   “Hey, Jisung!” you smiled back at him.

   “I was waiting for you! I wanted to ask you to sit with us for lunch, if you want.” he offered.

   Your smile fell for a brief second, your eyes widening. You glanced around and Jisung could almost see the gears inside your head turning.

   “I’m sorry, Jisung, but I already told Felix we’d be eating together. Maybe another time?” you offered.

   Jisung’s eyes broke away from yours, at last meeting Felix’s who was watching a couple of steps away. The other boy was already looking at him, raising an eyebrow as if to pose a challenge. Jisung refused to give in. Instead, he smiled even wider and turned to you.

   “Sure thing! You want me to walk you to your next class? I can meet you by your locker if you’d like” he said.

   “That’d be lovely. I’ll see you in a bit then?” you asked.

   “See you in a bit, Y/N” he said, walking back to his friends.

   He stared at his half eaten sandwich in disgust, grabbing it off of the table and hurling it into a nearby trash bin. He plopped down on a chair, heavy sigh leaving his lips which made his friends turn their attention to him.

   “What was that about?” Seungmin asked.

   “Nothing. Just class president stuff. What were you saying?” Jisung asked.

-----------------------------------

   Months passed by in a flash and getting used to a new environment had never felt so easy to you. There were people you only talked to here and there, a couple of people you talked with exclusively in class. Felix on the other hand had been a huge help, his healing nature helping you wind down, his loud laugh and constant screaming making you laugh so much your stomach hurt and tears streamed down your face. Even without your project, you hang out together a lot and he had become a precious friend to you.

   You had also grown much closer to Jisung, who had grown to be one of your closest friends. You were usually to be found hanging around either of their two boys, both struggling to help you fit in their inner circle. But you were content. You kept in contact with your old friends, while still hanging out with your new ones. Geonhak visited as often as he could, which always made you very happy.

   Currently, you were laying on Jisung’s living room couch, having your weekly ‘How To Get Away With Murder’ hang out. However, your mind was currently preoccupied, so you paid little attention to the TV.

   Your thoughts were swarmed as from this week onward, you could be expecting your college acceptance letters. Deciding your major and your school of choice wasn’t hard, your love for literature and English as a language only growing as you got older. On the other hand, both your parents were Yale alumni, so the love for the same university had passed down to you.

   Your hands were fidgeting on your lap as your thoughts continued to race. You had sent out an application that you considered almost perfect. You had done your best to present yourself as someone the university would like, without lying or over exaggerating. But would it be enough?

   As much as you tried not to think of the worst possible outcome, that’s exactly what your mind would play out. Different scenarios danced in front of you, from making grammar or spelling mistakes to not sending out the correct papers. You sighed heavily, your arm coming to support your head, which felt like it would explode.

   “Penny for your thoughts?” Jisung asked.

   That’s when you noticed the show was paused on the TV screen and Jisung’s attention was directed at his phone.

   “It’s complicated. Or actually, not that much. I’m just stressed” you confessed.

   “You want me to get you home? It’s okay if you’re not feeling the show right now” Jisung said.

   “No. I’ll try to focus on this, I need to get my mind off of things anyway.” you told him, firmly shaking your head.

   “Good. You know I barely understand a thing if you don’t explain it to me” Jisung joked.

   You took his words as a compliment, which made you smile. You turned your attention back to the show, you and Jisung making easy small talk about the character’s decisions, or lack thereof. 

   The end of the episode found you all but screaming at the television. The cliffhanger was big, your anger was burning at your insides. You were standing on the couch, hands directed at the TV as if you were ready to hit it.

   Jisung laughed from the couch next to yours, familiar with your shenanigans. When the screen turned black, you plopped back onto the couch dramatically.

   “I’m going to faint. Then, when I wake up, I’m going to find the writers of this damn show and I’m going to murder them. And I’m gonna get away with it too” you announced.

  Jisung laughed at you, enjoying your dramatic nature.

   “Want to go for a drive? It’ll help get your mind off of things” he offered.

   “One condition” you said, looking at him nodding without moving from your position. “I want McDonald’s” 

   “I live to serve you, milady” he said, giving a small bow.

   You giggled, getting up and pulling on your coat and shoes. The air outside was unforgiving, relentlessly blowing in every direction, messing with your hair and making you shiver. At least it’s not snowing, you thought.

   Jisung’s car was cold when you filed into it. It roared to life and Jisung wasted no time to turn the heat up. Pulling out of the driveway, he drove further into the city. Turning up the radio to an unknown station, you were met with loud country music, making both of you burst into laughter. You fumbled a little bit until you found something to your liking, allowing the car to be filled with some generic pop song.

   “You know” you spoke up, “It’s days like these I miss Miami the most”

   Jisung hummed, thinking over your words before answering.

   “Well, it’s justified, you know? It’s okay that you miss your friends. It’s okay that you’ve made new ones too. It’s like... Like how we’re going to uni soon. We’ll meet new people there, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we’ll forget our old friends. One doesn’t have to rule out the other” he finished.

   You nodded, not able to find an answer. Your thoughts drifted, as Jisung stayed focused on the road, the car moving through the city’s streets. The silence was comfortable, as there was not much to say, but you didn’t mind. On the contrary, you enjoyed being alone with your thoughts, but at the same time without being completely on your own.

   Jisung pulled up on the McDonald’s drive thru, expertly placing your order along with his. As he pulled up to pay and wait for your order to be ready, you smacked his arm.

   “Hey! What was that for?” he asked, rubbing the place where you hit him.

   “You didn’t ask what I wanted? What if I wanted a Big Mac or something?” you scolded him.

   “Please! As if you’d eat anything but the nuggets. Tons of the nuggets, sure. But not a burger. It just isn’t you.” he said.

   If you weren’t as busy hiding your blush, you may have noticed Jisung biting on the inside of his cheek. 

   “Oh fuck you” you finally managed, to which Jisung only replied with a smile.

    “Don’t you dare!” you said, hitting his arm once again.

    Jisung let out a yelp, his hand coming up to protect his face.

    “If you keep hitting me, I’ll throw you out of the car. And I’ll eat your nuggets” he warned.

    “Not the nuggets!” you cried, both of you chuckling.

    Just then, you pulled up on the next window, a lady handing you a brown bag filled with your food. You politely thanked her before Jisung drove off. You lunged for the bag, finding your nuggets and happily taking a bite off of one.

   “Look at you, you’re beaming! Food is literally the way to your heart, isn’t it?” he asked.

   “I will neither confirm nor deny this statement. Now pull up somewhere or I’m going to eat your fries too” you threatened him.

   “Yes ma’am!” Jisung complied with a laugh.

   You made some small talk as you ate, your conversation flowing naturally from one topic to the other. You felt happy, so glad Jisung was able to quiet down your racing thoughts and help you wind down.

   Your ringtone made you pause mid-sentence, as you sent Jisung an apologetic look. He shrugged you off, ushering you to pick up. Lixie shone brightly on your phone screen, a meme picture of Felix dominating it. You answered the call, only to be met by constant screaming on the other end of the line.

   “Y/N!!!!!!!! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! MY MOM AGREED TO GET ME A KITTY! Y/N I’M GETTING A KITTY DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS MOMENT?” Felix screamed.

    “Oh my God, Felix, calm down for a second my ear is bleeding!! On the other hand, A KITTY? WHEN ARE YOU GETTING IT? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT TAKING CARE OF A CAT YOU IDIOT, YOU CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF?!” you screamed in return.

   “Y/N, I’m actually so scared, I want to be a good cat father, what am I going to do?” he asked.

   “Look, I have some studying to do tomorrow, then I’m coming at yours so I can train you, okay?” you asked.

   “Yes, Y/N, I knew you’d pull through! Thank you so much! I love you!” Felix said.

   “I love you too. But I have to go now, I’ll text you later” you said, ending the call.

   When you turned back to Jisung, you found him avoiding your eyes.

   “That was Felix. He’s getting a kitty” you spoke up.

   “So I heard. I think the whole block did too” Jisung said.

   “Yeah, sorry about that” you tried to laugh it off, but Jisung didn’t follow.

   “Jisung are you okay?” you asked, placing your hand on top of his on the center console.

   He didn’t flinch, but you could tell the weight of your hand over his didn’t offer the comfort you wished it would. A few moments passed by, the silence in the car becoming overbearing.

   “I think I should be getting home” you said, recoiling to the passenger’s seat.

   “Okay” Jisung replied, driving off.

   The drive was quiet, music standing in place of your familiar banter. You couldn’t put your finger on what made Jisung so sensitive. Felix would call or text sometimes while you were together, making Jisung completely shut down. You really couldn’t understand his behaviour, and everytime you tried to talk to him about it, he would brush it off.

   The more you thought about his behaviour, anger, mixed with sadness and helplessness boiled inside of you. What were you supposed to do? Be alone until Jisung graced you with his presence? Stop hanging out with Felix? Or just take his rude behaviour, accept anything just because it was Jisung?

   No. It wouldn’t stand.

   “You know, if there’s something wrong, I wish you could tell me. I can’t just keep guessing why you’re acting this way or another.” you said, your eyes fixed on the buildings passing by your side.

   “What? Where is this coming from?” Jisung asked.

   “Please don’t pretend you don’t understand. Everytime I so much as mention Felix’s name you completely shut down. And then when I try to talk about it, you do the exact same thing. I just don’t get it” you said.

   “I don’t understand what you’re talking about.” Jisung replied.

   “That’s how you want to be? Fine! Fine. Pull over.” you told him sternly.

   “Y/N, don’t-” he began, but you cut him off.

   “Jisung pull the car over or I will jump out of it right this second” you warned.

   He muttered something under his breath, pulling the car over in front of an unfamiliar apartment building. You pulled your coat closer over your chest, your hand over the door handle.

   “If you decide you want to talk about this, you know where to find me. Until then, leave me alone” you said, getting out of his car and slamming the door.

   You started walking and before you could turn the corner, you heard angry honking coming from behind you. You jumped, surprised at the piercing sound then huffed in annoyance, continuing your way back home.

   Once you were safely inside, you joined your parents in the living room. The small talk with your parents helped you take your mind off of things. It was nice to pretend that things were normal for a while. So you sat in front of the TV next to your dad, who was quietly grabbing a bite to eat. You scrolled through your phone as you usually did and you asked for their permission to go to Felix’s tomorrow. It was easy for them to agree as you reassured them you’d finish your homework first.

   You excused yourself after a while, your hands already tapping away at your phone. One ring, then two. On the third ring, the only person you missed more than Geonhak answered.

   “If it isn’t the brightest smile in this world” your best friend said in place of a hello.

   “Oh, Yeji. My smile isn’t bright right now.” you confessed.

   “What? Who hurt you? Do I need to fight someone?” she asked.

   You wasted no time filling her in, trying to skip no details. You went back and forth in your story a lot, adding some of your blabberings that caused you to stray off of your topic. Yeji was familiar with this and extremely patient with you, asking questions and listening intently. She hummed here and there, but for the most part allowed you to talk until you had bared everything out in the open, unloaded the heavy burden of your heart.

   “I just… I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do. And I wish you were here…” you trailed off.

   “Hey. Don’t go all sappy on me. We’re having a conversation over here. Just… Let me think” she said.

   The phone line grew silent as Yeji thought over your words. You waited patiently, fiddling with the tassels of your blacket to give your hands something to do.

   “Honestly I don’t understand him. From what you’ve told me, Jisung sounds like a fairly reasonable person. It may be the hormones. You know, no one can be perfect” Yeji tried to joke.

   You groaned into the phone, letting Yeji laugh it off on her own. You buried your face in one of your throw pillows, hoping the sweet scent would help you calm down.

   “No, okay, I get it, bad joke, I’m sorry” Yeji said and you hummed into the phone in place of an answer. “Maybe you should just give him some space. He probably doesn’t know exactly what to say to you. I’m sure he’ll come around sooner or later. And if he doesn’t, well… That’s tough luck. But also, you wouldn’t really want a person like that next to you anyways, right?” she finished.

    “What would I do without you Yeji?” you asked.

    “Ah, that’s a very good question. But I’m glad we don’t have to answer it” she said.

   “Me as well. I’m sorry we got caught up with me again. How are you doing?” you asked.

   After catching up with Yeji, your heart felt lighter. She had a magnificent way of calming you down, saying exactly the words you wanted to hear. She was the best friend you ever had, and the constant aching in your heart (a result of being without her) served as a reminder of that.

   That night, you settled in under your covers, but sleep remained out of your reach. This would usually be the time when you’d text Jisung, a well known night owl himself and talk into the night until one of you fell asleep first.

   But tonight that wouldn’t be the case. So you snuggled further into your bed, played some relaxing music and wished for sleep to come quickly

----------------------------------------

   Days passed by slowly and everytime you returned home you looked through the mail hoping to find the one letter you so badly wanted. You had already received your acceptance letters from NYU and Columbia, which only left out… The one your heart longed for the most.

   It had been almost two weeks since your falling out with Jisung. Since then, you hadn’t talked at all, barely even glanced at each other. It was a hard task, for in the classes you shared you were sitting side by side and also because you wanted nothing more than to talk to him.

   But, Yeji was right. He needed space and maybe, you did too. So you ignored each other’s presence as much as possible, with Jisung running out of classrooms as soon as the bell rang and you keeping your head low. If Felix had noticed the change, he did not mention anything, which made you wonder if he was in on something you didn’t know.

   You were sitting in one of the schools’ benches, furiously writing down numbers for some Algebra homework you had put off for too long. The music flowing in your ears was there to ground you, but your thoughts still ran in circles inside your head. Then, the music cut off and was replaced by the blaring of your ringtone. Being snapped out of your reverie abruptly, you answered the phone groggily.

   “Y/N, sweetie, I hate to do this so much but… It’s here” your mom said on the other end.

   “What? Mom, I don’t understand.” you told her.

   “Sweetie, your Yale letter. It’s here. But I have to go, I have to go to work and I can’t open it with you” she told you.

   At the mention of the letter, your heart skipped a beat, only for it to begin a crazy pounding inside your chest the next second. You felt lightheaded, close to fainting, your knees buckling under you. Everything was getting too real.

   “Mom, it’s okay. I’ll just FaceTime Geonhak or something” you managed.

   Indeed the very thought of your brother brought you peace. You could do this… Right?

   You couldn’t do this. You stared at the letter on the kitchen counter and it seemed to you that it was staring back at you. You had gotten home a few minutes ago, the envelope waiting patiently for you on top of the kitchen counter. Something was stopping you from opening it, so you would just sit there, waiting for the letter to open on its own. You couldn’t pinpoint what you felt in those moments, excitement and dread, your hands itching to get on the piece of paper and yet fearing to even come close to it.

   You unlocked your phone, your finger hovering over the contact you so badly wanted there for this moment. So for once in your life, you decided to be brave. Time was up.

   He picked up on the fifth ring.

   “Yeah?” he said, and you could feel your stomach tighten in anticipation.

   “Jisung, it’s Y/N” you said.

   “Yes, I know that. You need something?” he asked.

   You should’ve expected that he would be curt with you, but still, hearing him like this hurt you. You tried to brush it off, instead telling him why you needed him.

   “My Yale letter is here. I… I can’t open it, Jisung. My parents are at work and I don’t want to open it with someone over video call.” you told him.

   “Why are you calling me? Call Felix or whoever” he snapped back at you.

   “Felix already left, they have a hockey match… I’ll just wait for my parents to get home. I’m sorry I called.” you said, stumbling over your words.

   “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” Jisung said, hanging up the phone.

   A thank you threatened to slip by your lips, but you held it back. You threw your phone back on the counter, rubbing your face with your hands. Ten minutes… Yes, you could wait ten minutes.

   You couldn’t wait. What began as feeling lightheaded with your mother’s call, now had become a full blown headache, pounding at your head mercilessly. You waited for Jisung in front of the door, hand softly massaging your temple to relieve some pressure.

   When his car pulled up on your street, your lips curled up into a smile. You took him in, finally able to look at him after weeks. He was wearing all black, from the beanie on his head to his clothes. Without a word, he took you into his arms and you knew, it was that easy.

   “I’m here” he whispered in your ear and you had to sigh.

   You felt at ease, breathing evenly once again. The pounding on your head was still ongoing, but you would have to live with it for a little while longer. Without a word, you led Jisung inside and he followed you easily through the familiar house.

   You held the letter in your hands, almost showing it off to Jisung.

   “It feels heavy. Weighty. They wouldn’t turn me down with so much paper, would they?” you asked.

   “I… I have something to tell you.” Jisung murmured.

   You were taken aback, but you nodded, urging him to go on. What had happened? Then, Jisung took out a letter much like yours from the pocket of his jacket. You felt yourself gasp, immediately reprimanding yourself for your reaction. You met his eyes, noticing the familiar twinkle behind them. And you knew.

   “You got in” you whispered under your breath.

   Jisung nodded, laying the envelope next to yours. Your vision got blurry, tears threatening to spill from your eyes. You inhaled deeply, trying to push them back and keep your voice stable.

   “I’m so happy for you, Jisung. I know how much you wanted this.” you said, holding down a sob.

   “Now, it’s your turn. We have to do this together, alright?” he asked.

   You nodded, taking another deep breath to steady yourself. Jisung gave you an encouraging look as you took the envelope in your hands and tore it open.

   “That felt nice.” you confessed and Jisung chuckled lightly.

   The first piece of paper had the university’s seal on it, along with your information. You skimmed along the lines to find the word you wanted so badly. Accepted. And there it was, in big bold letters. You had been accepted into Yale.

   The tears found their way down your cheeks as a weak sob raked through your body. You stumbled over your own feet, but Jisung was there to catch you. Jisung was always there to catch you.

   You clung to him, whispering the same words over and over into his shoulder. ‘I got in, I’m in, I got in’ became a mantra, and Jisung holding you tightly managed to bring you back to reality. You took a few moments to stop the happy tears, before pulling back enough to look at him.

   Just then, you realized your close proximity, Jisung’s body burning under your touch. Your noses were touching and if you as much as breathed, your lips would be on his. And how lovely would that be…

   You didn’t have enough time to think about it, for Jisung seemed to read your mind, closing the distance between you and placing his lips on yours. Your breath caught at your throat, your eyes widening, your brain taking a few moments to realize what was happening. Your body became water, flowing in Jisung’s hands as you kissed back and everything fit into place.

  Until it didn’t.

  Jisung recoiled from you, turning his back on you and facing the window. You almost fell backwards, luckily grabbing the counter behind you for support. You shot him an incredulous look which he didn’t see. When you saw him wiping his lips in disgust, something broke inside you.

   “What the fuck?” you asked, hating the fact that your voice broke.

   “I shouldn’t have come here. This was a mistake. Congratulations.” he said, making for the door.

   “No. No, you don’t get to do this” you said, moving quickly and pulling Jisung back.

   You were standing awfully close again, your chest pressed against his, only this time your eyes were burning. His icy stare met your burning one, and you don’t understand a thing. Nothing makes sense, when all you want is to kiss him again and he is running away from you.

   “What’s wrong with you?” you asked him, the anger clear in your voice.

   “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? Lover boy is out of town so we are making for second best? I won’t play this game with you, Y/N” he said.

   “Lover boy? What are you talking about?” you asked.

   “Are you serious? I’m talking about your boyfriend, Felix! Or do you think that I’m stupid? I have eyes, Y/N, I see your wallpaper change to him, I see your smile when you talk about him, you drop everything the second he calls, you run to him whenever he needs you” Jisung went on, but you didn’t listen.

   After you got over the initial shock, laughter bubbled from deep inside you. If you were being honest, the whole situation was so outright ridiculous, there were not many things you could do but laugh. Jisung on the other hand, wasn’t in on the joke and so your laughter only served to rile him up even more.

   “Is this funny to you?” Jisung asked.

   “Oh, Jisung you… You can be so dense sometimes.” you said, moving closer to him. 

   If you had more confidence, maybe you’d grab his hand and drag him closer, or drag him by the neck so your lips could meet again. But you weren’t that person. No, all you could do was walk as close as he would let you and meet his stare head on.

    “It’s you. It’s always been you. I’m not dating Felix, or anyone at all. Since the first day I met you, you… You got me. I think I’m in love with you, Han Jisung” you confessed, your heart beating in your throat.

   Baring your heart out in the open should’ve been scary and unthinkable to you. And yet as you stood in your kitchen, Jisung across from you, nothing had ever felt so right. Your heart was light inside your chest and even if your thoughts were running, they ran for someone who was worth it.

   “So you and Felix never…” he said, his voice trailing off.

   You couldn’t help but giggle, firmly shaking your head. 

   “Not at all. He is very dear to me and I love him as a friend. But that’s it” you reassured him.

   “I’m such an idiot” he said, more of a statement than a question.

   You hummed at his words, inching closer to him. He pulled at your hand, making you fall in a not very elegant way on top of his chest. He chuckled and you did too, the feeling of his chest rising and falling under your fingertips comforting to you.

   “Hey” he whispered.

   Your noses were touching.

   “Hi” you whispered back.

   Your lips almost brushed each other.

    “Can I-?” he didn’t get to finish his question, your mouths already colliding.

   The kiss was slow and intimate, your mouths moving against each other. He tasted of mint toothpaste and longing, a winter night’s air and the first breath after a dive. Your hand cupped the back of Jisung’s neck and he shuddered under your touch, making you break the kiss to giggle.

   “You almost drove me crazy and you’re still laughing.” he scolded you.

   This time, he captured your bottom lip only to bite hard on it in retaliation. You called out in surprise, hitting his chest lightly.

   “That hurt, asshole” you said, hitting him a second time for good measure.

   “It did? Let me kiss it better then”

Riding On Ch7: Home, Sweet Home!

Summary: Frank and Fliss find their perfect family home, but there’s something bothering Mary.

Warnings: Bad Language words. Discussions about suicide. A little bit of angst.

Pairing: Frank Adler x Fliss Gallagher

A/N: This is a bit of an emotionally charged filler chapter…and we move time on a little through to June in the middle. And photos of the Adler house are included so you can visualise what I used for inspiration! Chapter Song: Kill For A Dream by Beady Eye

Series Masterlist //  WIYPT Masterlist

You’re giving it another try, staring at the deep blue sky, and you say to the driver just drive, coz you never felt so alive.

April 2019

“Hey honey, you ok?” Frank juggled his phone, pinning it between his ear and his shoulder as he leaned over his computer in the office, scanning the database on the screen for a filter part they needed to order.

“No, I mean yes! I’ve just heard some awesome news!”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, so you remember the guy that bought the house that backs onto the yard when Old Man River died…” “That wasn’t his name.” Frank chuckled “It was Mr Morris.”

“He called himself River, it was funny and suited him. Anyway, that’s not the point. You know the guy who bought it…guess what I found out before?”

Frank stopped what he was doing and straightened up. He didn’t like that dick, one bit. When Mr Morris had died at the start of the year, Fliss had been quite upset about the news as the old man had been very friendly to her, often popping in for a cup of tea a few afternoons a week for some company. Mr Morris’ son had sold the house without them even knowing it had gone on the market, which was a shame as it would have been perfect for them given the location. The guy who had bought it, Frank didn’t even know his name, nor did he care because he was a douchebag and a pervert to boot. The way he looked at Fliss made Frank want to punch his face in.

“What’s Douchey Mc Douchebag done now?”

“You’re so childish.” she scoffed “Anyway, I was only commenting to Joanne last night that we haven’t seen him for like a month and she went home and mentioned it to her dad who works with some other guy in the property development business and the long and short of it is he’s gone bankrupt Frank!”

Frank laughed loudly “Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy, babe!”

“I know right!” Fliss voice was gathering pace and pitch, the way it always did when she was excited. “So literally about half hour after she’s told me this, someone turns up and there’s a For Sale sign outside, the house is on the market!”

Ok now he was interested. Frank could picture the look of excitement on her face as she spoke to him and he felt the smile cross his face “No shit?”

“Yeah, I’ll send you the website to look at the photos but…oh God, it would be perfect! Some of it is really nice, some of it needs decorating but…” “Ok, well, why don’t you call the realtor? Arrange a viewing” he said “Hopefully you won’t puke halfway round this one.” “Ok, first off that wasn’t my fault. Bean objected to the smell. Who the fuck cooks eggs the day they know they have someone coming to view their house?” her indignant tone made Frank chuckle “And second off…”she paused “I already did. He said he can meet us at half 12.”

“Half 12? As in lunch time? Today?” Frank frowned.

“I know I just really don’t want to miss out on this one Frank, and you said you were gonna come up here for lunch and-”

“Ok, ok.” Frank sighed “I’ll shuffle some stuff around, work a little later tonight and take an extra half hour.”

“I love you.” she replied and he could hear the smile in her voice.

“Good job I love you too.” he said back gruffly “Because you’re a pain in my ass.”

He bid her goodbye and just as he was looking at the rota to make sure there were enough staff in to cope if he took a longer lunch, his phone beeped. He clicked through to the link Fliss had sent him and had a scan through the photos. To be fair the house didn’t look in too bad condition. It was deceptive from the outside, looked like a small farmhouse but they knew thanks to the extension Douchebag had put on the back it now formed an L shape and from the look of it, was pretty spacious. The kitchen was new, the main bathroom was new so the big work looked like it had been mostly done. The décor in some of the rooms was really old fashioned, especially the hallway you and the front reception room, but that was all cosmetic. What really grabbed him was the price. It was up for just over 320 thousand, which was a fucking steal considering the size, location, the garden and the garge/outhouse it came with.

“You ok Frank?”

He looked up and smiled as Alan, his boss walked in to the office. “Yeah, sorry, Fliss has found a house and managed to book a viewing for lunch time. Fucking 7th one in 2 weeks.”

Alan snorted “Keeping you on your toes I see?”

“Well I gotta say, this one’s looking pretty good. It’s the house that backs onto our Yard out in Pinellas Park.” Frank explained “It was sold not even 6 months ago to a developer and he’s apparently gone bankrupt so put it back on the market.”

“Huh.” Alan smiled “Sounds like it was meant to be. Take it you’re going then?”

“Yeah, Charlie and Gary are in all afternoon. I thought I could take an extra half hour, work it back tonight or…” “Frank, when was the last time you actually took a full hour for your lunch and didn’t cut it short by 10 or 15?” Alan looked at him.

Frank hesitated ���Yeah, but that’s-”

“No buts.” Alan shook his head. “Do what you gotta do.”

“Thanks Alan.” Frank smiled, “I appreciate it.”

Alan waved away his gratitude before he dropped into the chair on the opposite side of Frank’s small desk and gestured for Frank to sit down.

“I wanted to talk to you in person.” Alan said, “Before the news gets out. I’m looking at retiring Frank, fully this time.”

“That’s good news, for you I mean.” Frank smiled, taking his seat. “You must be happy?”

“Kinda bitter sweet.” he shrugged “But I hit 70 this year and bout time I let it all go. Bill’s already chomping at the bit to book damned fishing trips so...it’ll be nice to step back. But I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Shoot.”

“My son, James is going to be taking over, that won’t come as any surprise to you as you’ve seen him knocking around a bit and he likes you.”

“Good to know I’m not going to be out on my ass.” Frank smiled, breathing out a little.

“No, not a chance. I wouldn’t allow it.” Alan said “I’ll still be the owner, just stepping back from major decision making and day to day running. Anyway, the point is Frank, James needs a deputy. He is young and a little inexperienced. I’ve seen how quickly over the last year you’ve picked up rotas, staffing issues, dealt with the stock takes, haggled with the supply chain…I wondered if you’d consider it.”

Frank blinked “You wanna make me deputy manager?”

“In a word, yes. And I know you got your hands full at the moment and they’ll be even more full when that boy of yours arrives but the changes won’t come into effect until the end of the year so we got plenty of time to work out the details.”

“Wow, I err…” Frank shook his head “I don’t know what to say.” “I don’t need an answer now.” Alan said, “Take some time to consider it. Talk it over with Fliss.”

“I will, I’ll give it some thought.” “Ok, well, that’s all I dropped in for.” Alan said, standing up, groaning a little “Did you just hear my damned knees click?”

Frank laughed and shook his head “No, but to be honest mine click too so I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“Getting old sucks.” Alan said, shaking his head “I tell ya, the minute I can’t enjoy the simple things in life, put a bullet in my head.”

Frank snorted as Alan shot him a wink and left him to his thoughts.

******* Frank glanced down at the wooden boards beneath his feet in the entrance hall. They were solid old wood, oak he thought, and with a clean and polish would look stunning. He looked up and saw Fliss talking animatedly to the realtor, a young man called David as he nodded and gestured to his left. Fliss opened the door and looked at Frank who followed her into the first reception room. It smelt musty, and there was an old sofa and threadbare carpet in the room but it was light and had a nice, airey feeling to it thanks to the large windows at the front of the house.

“New carpet and a bit of paint…” Frank mused nodding, “Be good as new.”

She nodded eagerly, her eyes shining a she looked around and nodded at the fire place “Really, in Florida?”

“It gets cold, as you know.” he teased “Besides, we just fill it with some of your million candles or whatever…”

She nudged him and they turned around, David watching them.

“So, you’re obviously in the older part of the house that hasn’t really been touched apart from upstairs.” he explained, “But if you follow me I’ll show you the extension which is all new and, well, to be honest, I think it’s stunning.”

The three of them moved back into the hall and through a door at the end which led into a huge open plan kitchen and living area. The kitchen was gorgeous. Sleek white units, modern appliances, marble tops, a huge breakfast bar. Douchebag had clearly spent a fortune doing this up. The floor was a light grey and white laminate which David pointed out was heavy wearing.  To the left of the kitchen area was a huge space where Frank could clearly picture their sofas and TV, and then just off that was a door which led into another smaller reception room, freshly painted and carpeted.  He was just pondering how they could turn that into a play room when Fliss gave a gasp and nudged Frank pointing to the large bay window at the back which had been converted into a seating nook of sorts. They made their way over and saw that the view extended right over their garden highlighting a small pool area which was surrounded by a low set of railings with a gate that were all painted a glossy black. The pool itself was sparklingly clean and clearly brand new.

“Oh wow… “ Fliss mumbled, looking at the sand stone tiles that surrounded the area and the rest of the garden.

“Yeah the rear garden loops in an L round the house” David said. “There’s a larger fence around this area to keep it private and separate from the land at the front that runs flush to the yard area.”

Frank’s hands dropping to her hips as he nodded to the right “Could extend that little patio area for a table and chairs, maybe build a brick BBQ. Couple of sun-loungers for that bit at the back of the pool.”

She nodded eagerly before they headed back into the hallway they’d entered into where the realtor showed them the little room that was to the right as you came in the door which held a number of shelves and coat hooks and a toilet and sink basin. They then headed up stairs to find 4 bedrooms. The master extended down the entire side of the house overlooking the main yard area of Sandybrook. It needed some work, the plaster and paint was peeling away in some areas, but Frank wasn’t worried at that. It was an easy job. What he was pleased to see was that the rest of it was in good condition. There was a brand new en-suite attached to it, housing a toilet, a huge shower and his and hers sinks. The room also had built in wardrobes and huge ceiling to floor bi-folding doors which opened up onto a small balcony. Douchebag had clearly been focussing on the big jobs first before he got into the cosmetics, which Frank had to give him credit for.

The main bathroom was in between the wall of their en-suite and the next bedroom, both situated at the back of the house over the extension and overlooking the fields belonging to the yard. The plaster was fresh in that bedroom but hadn’t been painted, again, not an issue, because Frank knew a certain little miss would be no doubt picking a colour as soon a she spotted this room.

“Bet Mary chooses this one.” Frank said, voicing his thoughts and Fliss nodded, smiling

“I would if the Master didn’t have that en-suite.” she grinned “Look at that view!”

“Yeah, who’d have thought you could work from home in the equestrian business” he chuckled as they then headed to the next bedroom on the opposite side of the landing. This was also rather large, but like the main part of the master bedroom, was clearly one of the original two bedrooms the house had and it needed some updating.

The 4th bedroom was a smaller one up a narrow set of stairs hidden by door in the hallway. It opened up into an attic room which tucked into the roof of the house.

The realtor then led them back down and the out to the outbuildings. There was a huge garage with a half- finished apartment of sorts above it that had been used as storage but could be easily a guest suite if they so wanted,  and then the thing Frank had really loved was the workshop off the side of the garage, accessed by a small door. It was musty and full of crap but was somewhere for him to store all his tools and work on any side projects he decided to pick up.

All in all Frank was finding it pretty damned hard to pick faults in the place.

As they headed back to the main house and Frank asked David politely to give them a moment to look around alone and he nodded eagerly before Frank and Fliss headed back into the house.

“I’m getting good vibes Sailor.” Fliss said as she turned round, looking at the kitchen, once more heading over to the bay window seat, “really good vibes.” she spun back to him and he smiled at the look on her face. “I mean, ok, a few rooms need decorating and there’s some finishing off bits to do all over but it’s nothing that dad can’t help with and I’m sure-“

At that she stopped dead, and gave a little gasp as her hand flew to her bump.

“You ok?” Frank stepped forward.

“Yeah he’s…” she swallowed “Bean’s kicking, Frankie! Quick!”

He reached out with his hand and she took it, pressing it to the side of her bump. After a second or two he felt something wriggle a little under his palm and he looked at Fliss, his face cracking into an open mouthed smile as he felt his son move for the first time.

“Lissy…” he swallowed his eyes misting over. “That’s…oh my God!”

“You should feel it from my POV!” Fliss smiled her own eyes glassy too.

Frank didn’t want to take his hand away. Instead, he kept moving his palm, tracking their baby’s movements when eventually they stopped.

“I think that means BB likes the house.” Fliss looked at him.

Frank scoffed, shaking his head. “BB’s Momma likes the house.”

“Doesn’t his Daddy?” she asked, her hands sliding round his neck.

“Yeah, his Daddy does.” he replied honestly in a low voice as he looked around the large room. “In fact, I like it a lot.”

“You think Mary will?”

“Are you kidding?” Frank snorted “Soon as she sees that view and that pool, she’ll be packing to move in straight away.”

“Suppose there’s only one way to find out.” Fliss smiled.

So they did. They brought Mary back the next day after school. She had squealed at the window seat, yelled about the pool and as she had shot upstairs and headed into the bedroom Frank had predicted she would like, given a jump for joy as she realised from the upstairs she had a view over the tall picket fencing that shielded the private area of the garden.

“I can see Monty!” she gleefully pointed out before turning to Frank and looking at him then to Fliss, her hands on her hips “If you don’t buy this house you’re a pair of dumbasses.”

The same sentiment was echoed by Bill when he turned up fifteen minutes or so later and walked around with Frank whilst Fliss and Mary headed to feed the horses. He did exactly the same thing he had done when they had looked at the apartment, pointed out what they needed to do, how long it should take them to do, rough estimates of cost. Plus, he also reminded Frank they were in a great position. They could buy the place and then give his months’ notice on the apartment meaning they could stay where they were until it was finished.

So that was it. Decision made. The next morning they went in with a cheeky offer, some twenty thou below the asking price which was rejected instantly. Then they upped their offer by five…then an additional three to total eight, with the fact that they were cash buyers and not in a chain a huge bargaining chip.

It was later that evening, just after they had finished dinner when the realtor called back.

“Evening Mr Adler, ok so…I have spoken to the vendor. He says if you can up your offer by another two thousand then you’ve got a deal.” David spoke. At that, Frank let out a huge grin, as he looked out of the kitchen window at Mary and Fliss who were outside the apartment, both sat on a chair round the table. He and Fliss had both agreed they were prepared to go to the full asking price, in their mind it was worth it, but they were about to seal the deal here for ten thousand less.

“Ok, two thousand more.” Frank said, keeping his voice level “But the property comes off the market as we don’t want anyone else spotting it and offering him more before we exchange contracts.” he repeated word for word what Greg had instructed him to do when he had asked him to handle the conveyancing earlier that morning.

“Ok, so the offer on the table is Three-ten on the proviso he grants exclusivity…” David repeated. “Ok, leave it with me.”

Frank finished loading the dishwasher, and had just grabbed himself a beer when David called back not even five minutes later.

“Congratulations Mr Adler, you have a deal.”

He thanked him, and grinning ear to ear headed outside, jumping down the steps onto the lawn.

“What you looking so pleased about?” Fliss looked up at him suspiciously.

“David called… we’ve settled on three-ten plus exclusivity” he smiled

“What, you mean…” Fliss’ mouth fell open and Frank nodded.

“Yup, subject to contracts, the place is ours!”

Mary gave a loud cheer as Fliss jumped up and leapt at him as he smiled, wrapping her in his arms, swinging her up slightly.

“I can’t believe it…” she whispered. “Our own home!”

“I know” he beamed, setting her down as he gave her a quick peck. “I’ll call Greg in the morning. When I talked to him about it he said that with no loans involved it shouldn’t take too long. We could be looking a having the keys in a month.” His hands dropped to her hips, palms resting either side of where his son was growing “So plenty of time to do his nursery.” Fliss grinned and using the arms that were round his neck pulled his face down to hers and pressed a fierce kiss to his mouth. “God I love you.” she mumbled. “Love you too.” he grinned, kissing her again, ignoring Mary’s fake puking noises in the background.

*******

******

June 2019

“Mr Adler?"

Frank stopped as he had been striding over the yard to collect Mary and turned to see Mrs McCarthy, her teacher walking towards him.

"Hi." He smiled, removing his sunglasses so he could look her in the eyes.

"I'm so sorry to bother you"

"No bother at all." He assured her "is everything OK?"

Mrs McCarthy glanced over to where Mary was stood talking to her friend, Rosie, and turned back to him

"Yes...nothing too drastic but I wanted to make you aware about a little incident in class this afternoon"

Frank looked at her, blinking "incident?"

"Maybe that's the wrong word." The older, blonde woman said "Look, as you know next week it's the end of year Gala, the fundraiser and we invite the parents to join us for activities.”

Frank nodded, wishing the woman would get to the damned point. He was hot, dirty and bothered after an afternoon of helping the team on a particularly awkward repair and wanted nothing more than to stand under a cold shower for an hour and flop down outside with a beer.

"Well, one of the girls asked Mary if she was bringing her mom and if they were making anything for the bake sale and Mary rather bluntly told the girl her mother was dead and then clammed up. She didn't speak a word for the rest of the afternoon."

Frank felt his chest tighten as he looked over at Mary who was now giggling with Rosie and sighed

"She didn't do anything wrong" Mrs McCarthy pressed "I was just a little worried."

"OK...thanks for letting me know, I'll make sure she's ok." Frank assured her.

The woman nodded and headed back across the yard as Frank gave a sharp whistle and slid his aviators back onto his face. Mary looked up and said goodbye to Rosie and came wandering over as Frank waved to Rosie's mom who tossed a hand in greeting in response.

"I'm not Thor" she said, fixing Frank with a stare.

"I know but I couldn't be bothered walking over." He said honestly as they climbed into the truck

"You have a good day?"

"It was OK." She shrugged. Frank eyed her for a second before she pulled the car away from the kerb and set off down the road.

"What's for dinner." Mary asked.

"Steak, baked potatoes and salad." He replies "Fliss' choice."

"Are you grilling?" Mary asked.

"Yup." He nodded

"Cool." Mary nodded "Can I go in the pool before?"

"Got any homework?" Frank countered with another question as he looked at her. Mary shook her head

“End of year next week and Uni didn't give me any summer work."

"Then yeah, of course you can.”

Frank didn't raise the so called incident, deciding to let her chill out a little bit at home first and digest how she felt. After 20 minutes or so of general chat Frank pulled up their driveway and stopped the truck next to Fliss' truck. As they hopped out Mary glanced across the garden over the smaller part of the fence where she could just see Fliss walking across the yard.

"Please can I go see Monty?" She looked at Frank and he nodded.

"I'll watch you." He agreed. With a grin she sprinted over the lawn, climbed over the fence and dropped over onto the other side. Thor gave a bark and Fliss turned round and smiled at her, before she waved at Frank. He waved back before he headed down the side of the house, through the gate in the larger fence before he unlocked the back door and stepped inside the cool air conditioned kitchen, kicking off his shoes and heading straight to the fridge for a beer. Draining half in one he stood, looking around and smiling. They’d finally unpacked the last box yesterday evening and Fliss was still in the process of moving things around their new home, positioning them where she wanted them.

True to Greg’s word, they’d had the keys to the house 4 and a half weeks after making the offer, and 2 weeks post that once the bedrooms and hall had been decorated with a lot of help from Bill, Verity and Roberta (who had been happy for them yet still cried her eyes out when they’d left the park, despite the fact they had assured her they would still come visit and she could also come stay with them too) they’d moved in. The only thing left to do was the reception room (which could wait, it was easy to just shut the door and pretend it didn’t exist) and Bean’s nursery, which he, Fliss and Mary had decided to do together as a project. Mary and Fliss had spent nights pouring over Pinterest for ideas and they’d finally settled on a scheme. Frank had picked up all the plastering supplies and the paint, the furniture was on order and should be arriving at any time that week now he thought about it…so hopefully that weekend they could get cracking. That might cheer Mary up now he thought about it.

Taking his beer with him, he picked up his boots and took them to the cloakroom/bathroom by the stairs. He trudged up the steps, shaking his head at Fred who was led at the top, his paws hanging over the edge of the step as he eyed Frank.

"You're gonna cause a fucking accident." He looked at the ginger cat who merely swished his tail in response. Frank headed into their bedroom, stripping off as he went, walking straight into the en-suite, turning on the shower, setting his beer down on the edge of the sink unit. He stepped in and under the stream of cool water, closing the screen behind him, his mind still on Mary and how he was going to bring up what her teacher has said. With a groan he opened the door, reached out of the cubicle for his beer, took another gulp before he set about washing the grime of the day away.

***** "Have you finished grooming him?" Fliss asked, standing in the doorway to Monty's stable. Mary glanced over from where she had been brushing through his white tail and nodded.

"Wanna take him to the paddock?" Fliss smiled. "Cap and Bronson are waiting for their little pal."

"Sure." Mary shrugged and Fliss frowned a little at her demeanour. She was quiet, which was unlike her when she was round the horses. She was normally full of excitement.

"You OK?" She asked and Mary nodded.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You seem quiet, that's all."

"No, I'm good." She shrugged, before she tossed her brush into the little grooming box she had, closing the lid and passing it to Fliss. Fliss placed the box into the larger wooden one outside the stable before Mary put Monty's halter on and led him out of his stall. Fliss allowed them to walk ahead, her hand on her bump as she followed them out of the yard and down the little path to the gate that led to the paddocks. They reached the one were Monty was going and undoing the gate, Mary led him in. The white pony stood patiently for her to take his halter off before he stuck his nose into the crook of her neck and shoulder. Fliss smiled as Mary gently stroked his neck and then to her utter horror she saw Mary’s shoulders begin to shake as the girl started to cry.

"Hey, Mary..." she soothed, stepping forward as the small girl turned to her, wrapping her arms around her as best she could, pressing her face into her bump "Oh baby what's wrong?"

Mary didn’t reply, instead she continued to sob and Fliss felt powerless to do anything other than wrap her arms around her, one hand resting on her head, the other between her shoulders.

“Something happened at School…” Mary whispered and Fliss gently tipped her head up to look at her. “Someone said something and…”

“Ok, how about we go back to the office and you can tell me all about it ok?”

Mary nodded, sniffing as her sobs died down. Fliss held out her hand and Mary took it and together they headed back down to the yard. Joanne looked at Mary who was hiccupping slightly with her sobs and frowned but Fliss shook her head.

“Can you feed the top barn for me and then you can go.” she said to Jo who nodded. “I’ll lock up.” “Sure, see you tomorrow. Bye Mary.” she smiled. Mary looked at her and gave a small wave before Fliss led her into the office. She grabbed them both an apple juice from the fridge and then Mary sat on the chair at the end of the desk, wiping her eyes with a tissue that Fliss handed her from the box.

“You ready to talk?”

Mary nodded, and then she stood up and walked over to Fliss who made room for her to clamber up onto her lap. It was a bit awkward but after a little shifting around they found a way she could sit unobstructed by Boston Bean and Mary lay her head against Fliss’ shoulder.

“It was about the gala.” she said gently “One of them asked me if my mom was coming and…”

“Oh sweetie.” Fliss sighed, rubbing her back. “I get that must have been hard.”

Mary shrugged “I told them she was dead.” she said matter of factly “I get that and I never knew my mom so I don’t miss her as a person…but then I started to think about why she died and I don’t understand.” “Understand what?”

“Why?” Mary looked at her. “Why would she do what she did when she had me? Why did she want to leave me behind?”

Fliss took a deep breath and cradled the girl as best she could, trying to think of a way to explain to which Mary could relate, and then it came to her, she could use her own experience here. There was no getting around the fact this was going to be a heave conversation, but Mary was a smart kid and deserved to be treated as such.

With another deep inhale, Fliss looked down at her, kissing her head before she opened rather bluntly "You know I tried to kill myself."

"You did?" Mary pulled back to look up at her "Why?"

"Because I saw it as my only way out." Fliss said gently, smoothing her hair back. "I was stuck in an awful situation. My ex-husband hurt me physically and mentally and I gave up. I wanted out."

Mary remained silent and looked at her.

"For someone to get to that point...they have to have hit rock bottom. Like there is nowhere to go. It's not their fault. And it doesn't mean they don't love the people they leave behind just that they're desperate to escape whatever pain they feel, be it in their head or their body or both."

"But I still don't understand." Mary shook her head.

"And you may never, not fully." Fliss said gently "And as horrible as it is that's something you are gonna have to live with but you have to remember that your mom was sick. And for whatever reason she saw this as her only escape. It wasn't Evelyn's fault, it wasn't Frank's fault and it certainly wasn't yours."

"But if she loved me like Frank says she did..."

"You think I don't love my mum? Or Bill? Or Steve?"

Mary blinked before she lay her head back against Fliss' shoulder. "Yeah"

"But I was still gonna leave them behind." Fliss sighed "I was desperate. And you wanna know the real stupid thing?"

"What?"

"When I got better I still went back. I went back to a real toxic environment and a man that abused me. Because I felt like it was what I deserved. And even though I left him way before I met you and Frank, it wasn't until me and Frank started dating that I really understood I wasn't to blame. I always thought I did something to make him hurt me but I didn't. Being with Frank, the way he treats me and loves me made me see that it was him with the problem, not me.”

"But that's different" Mary glanced up

"The trigger was, yes." Fliss nodded "But your mom, like me, was in a position so helpless, so unbelievably sad that she thought she was to blame and that the world, including you, would be better off without her even though she was so wrong."

**** Once showered and dried, Frank dressed in a pair of shorts and clean T-shirt before he headed back downstairs. There was no sign of Fliss or Mary but as he strode out into the garden he heard a car heading down the drive by the side of the house from the yard and correctly assumed it was Joanne leaving for the day. He opened the gate and just saw the tail of her car turn onto the main road as he headed into the garage for the charcoal to light the BBQ.

Once that was done, leaving the flames to die down he headed out across the lawn, vaulting over the small fence onto the yard. He headed round the barn and frowned as he couldn't see anyone. After a quick look round he spotted the door to Fliss' office was closed. He went to open it but stopped as he could hear the sound of voices. It was Mary and Fliss but he could tell from the pitch and stutters in Mary's that she was upset. He paused, hand hovering over the handle as he heard Fliss speaking to her softly. "Stack, you are so loved. Frank loves you, I love you, Nanny V, Poppa Bill, Uncle Steeby, Roberta, Evelyn...Thor, Fred and Monty..." she paused "You're such a special little girl and I know I'm not your mom but...I feel like I am."

"You do?"

"I'd do anything to keep you safe and happy. And so would Frank"

They both fell silent and Frank swallowed, the lump in his throat almost choking him.

"Don't ever feel like we don't" Fliss continued "and if I have to bake 200 fucking cookies for your Gala next week to prove it then I will."

Mary giggles "You know Bean can hear you swearing."

"Well I won't tell Frank if you don't"

"Do you think Frank feels like my dad?" Mary asked a moment later and at that point Frank really wanted to walk away. He couldn't listen to this, he didn't want to listen to this...but something kept him rooted to the spot.

"I know he does." Fliss replied.

"But he doesn't like it when people say it. I know that, I heard him talking to you. Bill’s not your real dad but you still say he is…."

“That’s slightly different sweetheart.” Fliss sighed "My real dad left my mom before I was born, so when he died…I didn’t even know him and I don’t care that I didn’t either. But your mom was Frank's sister. He wants to make sure you remember her, understand who she was. He could have easily just pretended to be your dad all this time, you would never have known any different but he didn't. Because he loves you and your mom too much. He's too honest and it’s important to him that you understand. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you like he is your dad, or that you can't love him like he is."

Frank turned away from the door, looking up at the sky and taking a deep shuddering breath. Fuck, this was hard to hear. He knew Mary had been upset before but the thought that it ran this deep was killing me. Wiping at his face, his hands then dropped to his hips and he looked down at his sneakers before he turned to the door, reaching for the handle but once more pausing as he couldn’t face interrupting them, not whilst they were in the middle of a moment.

“I suppose that makes sense.” Mary continued  “And I do love him like he is. And I love you like you’re my mom too.”

“Well that’s all that matters.” Fliss replied “It may be unconventional but we’re a family, and that’s the main thing huh?”

“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks Lissy.” Mary spoke.

“You’re welcome Stack” Lissy’s voice was soft and there was a pause as Frank could picture the pair of them hugging.

“Hey, did you now I’m going to be doing all the money stuff for the bake stall?” Mary’s voice was suddenly up beat as she switched topic “Because I’m good at maths they said I could be in charge of payments and handing people their change and stuff.”

“Nice work kiddo.” Fliss smiled, “Tell you what, we’ll put Nanny V on the case, her baking is way better than mine. We can get her over one night next week whilst Pops is helping Frank with the plastering in the nursery.”

Ok, that was it, safe to enter without interrupting anything. Frank gave a little knock and then opened the door, fixing a smile on his face.

“Hope I haven’t interrupted any girl talk” he smiled and Mary jumped up and ran to him, giving him a hug. He looked at Fliss who wiped her eyes.

“Ok?” he mouthed at her and she nodded back, her lips moving silently as she replied.

“Tell you later.”

“BBQ is lit.” Frank said, looking down at Mary “You still wanna play in the pool?”

She nodded and grinned. “Yeah.”

“Sounds like a great idea.” Fliss grinned “Let’s lock up and head home…oh wait, we don’t need to head home because…” “We’re already there!” Mary grinned, and then she spun round to see Fred peering round the door. “Hey, look who came to visit!” “Bout time he earned his keep.” Frank grumbled “Go catch some mice.”

Fred stalked past him into the office, looked around, before he sauntered back out, clearly not interested.

“He’s a lover not a killer Frank.” Mary grinned, as Frank watched the cat walk off into the evening sun.

The three of them locked up before they headed back to the house and Mary shot upstairs to get changed.

“So, how much did you hear?” Fliss turned to Frank as he pulled a beer from the fridge along with a bottle of water, sliding it over to her.

“Enough.” he sighed “Her teacher collared me before. Said that one of the kids had asked about her mom in class and she’d gotten upset.”

“She asked me why Diane did what she did.” Fliss sighed, “Why she left her behind if she loved her so much.”

Frank swallowed. “What did you say?”

“I explained about why I tried to kill myself.” Fliss shrugged “Told her about the desperation I felt…but that didn’t mean that I didn’t love my family just that I saw it as my only way out. I know it was heavy and maybe not really the right thing to do but...”

She was cut off as Frank stepped forward, taking her face in his hands as he kissed her, hard. It took her a moment to catch up but once she did she melted into him, her mouth opening to grant him access as he ran his tongue along her bottom lip.

“Thank you.” he said gently as he pulled away, his hands still cupping her face.

“What for?” Fliss asked, reaching up to gently wrap her fingers around his wrists.

“For loving her as much as you do.” he said simply “for loving us both as much as you do.”

“Oh Sailor.” Fliss’ eyes brimmed with tears “How could I not?”

***** Frank didn’t sleep particularly well that night. Mary’s conversation with Fliss was running through his brain and every time he drifted off he would wake about an hour or so later, fresh worries and concerns running through his mind. In the end, at just before 5 am he gave up and climbed out of bed. He grabbed a T-shirt and a pair of sweats and putting them on he headed downstairs. He flipped on the TV in the hope the early morning new would distract him, but it didn’t.

It was clear to him that Mary was struggling with where she was going to fit in the family dynamic. He hadn’t really worried much up to that point, being convinced by Fliss that if they kept her involved with stuff to do with Bean she would be ok but this went much deeper than the fact they were expecting a baby.

He’d be lying if he said the thought of him claiming to be Mary’s Father had never entered his mind. It would have been a lot easier but out of loyalty and love to Diane he had wanted to make sure she knew about her mother, and understood the truth because in the end, a lie would always come round to bite you on the ass. It wasn’t that he had a problem with people assuming he was Mary’s father but…

God what a fucking mess.

“Hey…” a soft voice drew him from his thoughts and he looked up to see Fliss stood in the doorway, his T-shirt she was wearing now hardly covered the top of her thighs thanks to her Bean bump.

“Sorry beautiful, did I wake you?” he asked.

“No.” she shook her head, dropping down next to him. “I got up to pee and you were gone.”

“Couldn’t sleep.” he shrugged.

“What’s wrong handsome?”  she lay her head on his shoulder and he took a deep breath.

“Just thinking about Mary that’s all.” he shrugged. “She’s always asked questions about Diane but not like that.”

“She’s getting older Frank.” Fliss said, her hand reaching out for his as she began to play with his fingers “She’s bound to start thinking about things differently. She was ok last night after she talked to me, and then later you when you tucked her in. She doesn’t keep her feelings bottled up, and that’s good. It’s a testament to you that she feels like she can talk to us about things.”

“I know.” Frank looked down at her, kissing her head “I guess I just worry Lissy, worry about how she’s gonna feel when Bean is here and he’s calling us mom and dad and she doesn’t.”

“Frank.” Fliss sighed as she sat up straight. “Mary knows we love her. And what she calls us doesn’t change a damned thing. You’re worrying unduly now. We can’t do anything about that other than-“

“Yes, yes we could.” Frank looked at her. Fliss took a deep breath as his eyes locked onto hers, instantly understanding.

“I thought you said you’d never even consider adopting her?”

“I never thought I would.” he shrugged. “But it’s been playing on my mind after what mother said and then after last night…” “Why? What did Evelyn say?” Fliss asked.

“When she was here last, she told me that Diane’s memory wouldn’t suddenly fade if Mary called me dad…” he licked his lips “It was almost like she was giving me permission to do it…you know? Not that I need it or really give a shit what she thinks.” he paused, taking a deep breath “If I’m totally honest Diane isn’t the only reason I said I didn’t want to. I just never thought of myself as being dad material. I was such a screw up until I met you and I thought that by staying as her Uncle, it would give her that distance, you know?”

“Not dad material?” Fliss looked at him, shaking her head “Oh Frank, you idiot. You’ve done an amazing job with her…and you will do with Bean too.”

He smiled at her, sniffing slightly as she continued.

“But there is one person who’s opinion counts most here.” Fliss said gently “And that’s Mary. If you’re serious then you should ask her if it’s what she wants. Because after 9 years of calling you Frank…”

“I know.” Frank agreed, “And I agree, completely. It would have to be her decision. But at least if I ask her if she would like us to then-“

“Us?” Fliss looked at him, blinking. “You mean you want me to?”

“Of course I do.” Frank nodded, before he frowned slightly “But if that isn’t what you want, I understand. It’s a big-“ Fliss cut him off by pressing a kiss to his lips “Of course I do Frank. I love Mary like she is my own anyway so…” Frank beamed at her and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her head. “So, we’re agreed. We ask her?”

Fliss nodded and pulled back, her hand resting on his cheek. “We ask her.”

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

Welcome to eduard 1 am ramblings

I was recently watching videos on YouTube and seeing a video of a couple meeting through vr and all the struggles they been through and just meeting people in vr.

I started to thin the line between reality and virtuality is cuz as technology progresses and people have like full body tracking with haptic feedback so you can feel peoples touching you and who poked your back the line really starts to blur.

You meet all of these people you interacts with them and some you may start to connect and start a bond with or a date as some do.

And the more you spend time the morr you get attached to things.

At some point I could see people get possibly more attached to the avatar than the real life if there are maybe huge differences because we start associating that imagine or avatar as the person we are everyday and see laugh and act and speak so i could totally see someone get attached that way.

If you have a tiny stylised girl with like ears of a fox and a tail in a specific outfit like a leotard or something aesthetically pleasing and after like months of speaking to her like that you transition to the real life or on a discord call and she's not the "image" you imagined I can kind of see a sort of disconnect between perceived desire of what youd like she to look like and the reality as there is no way the certain avatars to exist so there could definitely be anxiety about it and confusion.

The more vr becomes morr used in gaming and hanging out especially in quarantine I could totally see how it will be used as escapism cuz you can touch people in vr without having to worry about distancing and so much more especially bond intimally.

There are people Who post as girls and try to make it as realistically as possible even with voice modulators it seems.

Imagine the hurt if you had someone you were very interested in and it turned out not only they lied to you but also played along and could maybe discard it all once the facade is up.

Especially in the times of corona losing that type of deep emotional connection in times of need can really mess someone up.

As on the virtual reality it seems we are somehow more vulnerable as some of the social bariers are down as we aren't exactly at shame and at risk with some anonymity but somehow the connection people do are a lot deeper

Been single for a while and wirh the quarantine had been a lot of things that I though of . Soft things, things to do to experience and share wirh someone I really liked and do all sorts of cheesy things too.

I would actually enjoy a candle lit and full moon dinner or something cuz I'm that kind of soft weak bitch whose thst extra

Or something simple or special at home as I also enjoy cooking but and if it makes someone feeling happy would feel like the effort is worth it.

Another thing that would be really nice to do is go to the bitch and have a picnic there bring some food some blankets and pillows in a rent pick up truck

And see the sea/ocean have some food and some drink if the situation call for it and have a projector and warch a movie or some pictures collage that can be set up between the 2 of them.

And then look for a star shower or some kind of cosmic event cuz space is cool!!

While writing like stories and role-playing as specific characters I definitely thought of and found out a lot of these amazing scenarios that I could totally make if the right opportunity arises all in a notebook for like date ideas but thise never really came to be used as I never found someone interested to share these in real life so there' are just bubbles of hope that is like one day to materialise

Maybe some of these some peoppe can do in the virtual reality but then the parting becomes even more painful and the disconnect between reality and fiction becomes even more as we spend more time and are engaged in vr

So would it be worth it ?

To see it possibly be ruined?

What is reality more than just a lot if facts and observations we do for ourselves

I know right I'm 14 and this is deep shit but it does feel kind of true

As at some point you will be able to have full dive vr and actually live 2 totally different lives and possibly love the ability to differentials it anymore

As you start to wonder does your love for someone connected to them or the avatar thay they are acting as ?

As avatars don't really have flaws or imperfections and can be meticulously designed to look like the person you wanna appear as.

You still made those choices and hard work to appear as that thing and the choices of designs you did are yours but the imagine may not always correlate to you when someone looks at them.

Really odd thing how the human psychology does that thing of bonding to ideas an perceptions.

I sure hope a lot of people got what they deserved and wished for cuz it seems like the level of deep hurt not a lot of places can reach

I think this is it for now quite a long ramblings that I've been doing by myself or just spewing to a friend about and left it in the ether but I thought would be maybe healthier to try to find another way of channelling my thought

Or some kind of fixation right now through this writing and sort some of process what i am thinking right now cuz sometimes it is a mistery to me even what i am about to type next as it Jus r flows one word after another without much in mind .

My mind being very empty right now but yeah I should end my ramblings here and scream them into he good and find a different kind of coping mechanics and not rely on someone listening and Just continue screaming into the anonymous void and hope someone understands what I'm saying and I'm not try my insane as I think I am.

Sometimes I have the feeling I really am just predictable and the 1 note but sometimes I surprise myself with emotions being complex and not knowing what to do but to just I guess pine for someone to do amazing things wirh but I know that may or may not come and I'll just have to accept that as it is or try to change that myself in some way

But as far as I'm aware there are a lot of way to do that and find a way to find comfort on someone as social standards and pressure don't let you just walk up to people and say hi or much.

If someone's reading this as I'm screaming into the void you can always reach put and talk and have actual deep conversation.

I think what i may be feeling is what a lot of people have been feeling but more accentuated as I didn't had a place to go in my town as there literally not much to do than go to my library and read a book or take a walk but now not even being able to go there even the rare times I went still affects me and feeling isolated and alone on an island with no one next to them.

I think we all felt like that over the course of 2020 which really sucks the more it goes especially with school starting

I really hate that corona csme exactly when I has hope and plans to go in exchange wirh another person in uni and life somewhere else and meet new people tried so hard at exams to be sure I will be able to go only to be slowly crushed ad corona changed it all and into rejected by then and not being able to join to other places so i just lost the train.

These are the moments I overfixated on things and can talk about them for like 20.000 words before crashing and ssying words like they are knives of sharp air going out of my throat for the next 8 hours after this extensive monologue.

Monologue which seemed to go for ages but we all need a place and a way to express whatever you feeling cuz we all need therapy in 2020 I needed way before that in 2012 but only realised like 2 years ago .

So there we go we all need help and it's okay to just talk about it and just get lost in the sea of posts that hopefully somehow won't end up biting me in the ass somehow back.

If someone was interested enough to psychoanalyse this sheet of had the patience please tell me cuz I'm also dieing to know what made you so bored to do this and what you can interpret from this rambling at what guess what now I've been typing for like 15 minutes quite a feat .

I wonder if Tumblr posts have a limit in character usage I don't know I guess will find out soon shouldn't we at some point well reach it . I should probably go to bed now my moms keep nagging me to go to bed I should finish this and go good night thank you if you somehow got to this 10 k word essay rambling and go to the end I don't know how you had the patience to read though my possibly adhd and hyperfixation ass you're a dsmn legend.

Well see ya good night

Born to Hate, Made to Love

(Human AU)

Word count: 2,163

Pairings: Royality

TW: Angst, self-deprecating thoughts, body issues, food mention. (Let me know if I should add any!) 

Summary: Patton is a plus sized man who likes to dress more on the feminine side. He’s always been fascinated with cute sweaters and pastel colors, so when his new boyfriend Roman wants to take him clothes shopping, you’d think he’d be excited, right? Sadly that isn’t the case a Patton tries to cope with his body issues while struggling to keep it together in front of his newly found love.

~~~

“Be ready at five, K? We’ll grab dinner from the Food Court then go shopping!” Roman’s voice sang happily from Patton’s cell phone.

While Roman was excited, Patton was nervously fiddling with the hem of his old worn out shirt.

“Um, yeah,” he tried to match his boyfriend's enthusiasm, “yeah I’ll be ready. See you then.”

Patton hung up and shoved his phone into the pocket of his sweatpants, sighing as he sat on his couch. He had no idea how this evening was going to turn out, but all he could feel was his stomach twisting into knots at the thought of trying on his eccentric choices of clothing in front of his boyfriend Roman.

They had been dating for almost three months now, but every time Patton was with him it felt like their very first date. He was in constant fear of how Roman would react if he wore something that showed off his true silhouette, so instead, he opted for wearing baggy hoodies and loose pants whenever he saw his boyfriend. He couldn't risk Roman becoming disgusted once he saw Patton's body, grimacing when they hugged or even refusing to be near him.

In every relationship Patton has been in, he’s always been afraid that every single one of them has only settled for his body, never loved him for how he was.

“He has a great personality!”

“He’s not that big…”

“He’ll break you with how fat he is.”

Oh god, it was all too much, why was just a simple shopping date making him so worked up? 

“Maybe I should just cancel,” he thought out loud reaching for his phone.

Just as he opened his messages a text popped up from Roman.

‘Don’t forget your favorite headband! We’ll find something to match ;) <3’

Patton couldn’t help but smile after reading the light-hearted message. After a moment of thought, he felt the confidence he needed to go through with this date. With a tiny squeal of excitement, he hopped up from his couch to get dressed.

His wardrobe wasn’t as extensive as most people, but a few years back he was lucky enough to find some nice outfits to save for special occasions. This time Patton decided on some plain khakis and a teal sweatshirt with sparkly pink lettering saying “I believe in Mermaids” with a seashell border around the message. He ruffled his caramel curls a bit before sticking in a pink headband that had cat ears covered in glitter.

Patton smiled to himself in the mirror and gave a twirl, and just as he was feeling good about himself he heard knocking at his door.

“Must be five!” He exclaimed to himself as he ran to answer it, and there he was.

Roman, sweet handsome Roman stood in the doorway shamelessly wearing blue skinny jeans and a white tank top that delicately hugged his chiseled figure from under his red letterman jacket.

How was it that Patton got a man almost the complete opposite of him?

“Ready to go, Pattie Cake?” Roman greeted with a charming smile, extending his hand for Patton.

Patton gladly held onto his hand as he was led out of the apartment building with the biggest smile plastered on his face.

~~~

The drive to the mall was mostly silent as they both listened to the music booming from Roman’s sound system. Patton sat back comfortably watching out the window, that was until he got a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Suddenly, his posture straightened, sitting up with his head tilted slightly to try and get rid of his double chin. He felt the back of his neck heat up as he began worrying about every tiny detail of himself. At least he was until Roman rested his hand on Patton’s thigh.

“You excited?” He asked, keeping his eyes on the road as he drove.

Patton smiled to him and adjusted his glasses, “of course! I’m with you, Silly.”

“Aw,” Roman blushed, “you’re too sweet.” For a moment Roman took his focus away from driving so he could lean over giving Patton a quick peck on the cheek before turning his attention back to the road.

Patton giggled softly touching his flushed face with his sleeve, every bit of fear melting away with Roman’s simple little acts of affection.

~~~

Before the two of them knew it, they were at the mall wandering around the food court.

“What do you want, babe?” Roman asked pulling Patton closer to intertwine their fingers.

“I um- I’m not sure,” Patton chuckled breathlessly, “you pick.”

“Nope, your day, your choice,” Roman stated simply with a small shrug making Patton roll his eyes.

He had no idea what to pick, there were some food places that were exclusive to the Food Court, but then again there were some of Patton’s favorite shops there too. He hated being put on the spot like this, why did Roman have to be such a gentleman?!

“Hmm, are you okay with Subway?”

“Whatever you want,” Roman winked and pulled Patton into the line of people.

They ordered their food and sat down together once it was ready, each of them taking time to eat a little before sparking up a conversation.

“So…” Patton began, “where would you like to shop?”

Roman pondered the question for a moment as he took a sip of his Sprite.

“Hmm, well, I was thinking about Hot Topic. Looking past all the edgy stuff, I think there are some cute things in there you would like.”

Patton nodded with a small smile and once they were finished with their food Roman dragged Patton along by his hand.

They entered the store to be met with an intimidating but friendly enough worker folding shirts at the check-out counter. His plum colored bangs falling in his face on occasion, but he paused seeing the two enter and brushed them away.

“Hi there, how may I-” He was going to continue his regular “customer service” monologue, that was until he recognized the pair, “Roman? Pat?”

“Woah, Virgil?” Roman gasped and rushed up to the worker, “you work here?”

Virgil shrugged lightly and continued to fold shirts, “just my summer job for now. What can I do for you guys?”

“Well, Roman decided to take me clothes shopping today,” Patton said while he turned his head to look around the store.

Virgil inspected Patton, ultimately making him tense under his gaze as he worried the look was judgemental. Instead, Virgil nodded and pointed to the display in the corner of the store.

“To avoid all the angst, cute stuff is in the back.”

This made Patton giggle, “thanks, Virge.”

“No prob, Bob.”

“... It’s Patton.”

They all chuckled and Roman gave a wave as he led Patton to the colorful display. There were clothes, jewelry, headbands, and other such artifacts ranging from colorful Disney Princesses to dark DC Comics characters. It was obvious that Patton looked to the more light-hearted of the items, flipping through bracelets and necklaces that would catch his interest. 

Roman, however, was going through shirts that he thought Patton might like, and after a couple of minutes, he slapped a stack of different clothes into Patton’s arms.

“Here, go try these on.”

Before Patton could interject he was shoved over towards the dressing room and nearly placed inside while Roman waited outside the door.

Patton went through the clothes finding all of them quite cute, so he picked out his favorites and started trying them on.

First was a Lilo & Stitch tie-dye muscle top, Patton thought it was adorable with the happy Stitch image on top of the blue and white tie-dye with the stripe of purple. But when he tried it on he didn’t quite like what he saw in the mirror. Surprisingly enough, the tank had fit fine, he just didn’t like looking at his arms. All he saw were two ugly, pale blobs pressed against his torso, his pudge making them almost look disfigured as he relaxed his shoulders. The image made him grimace and he quickly pulled off the shirt.

Luckily there weren't any more tank tops, but the graphic tees in the pile brought up a whole new set of problems.

There was one shirt that hugged his tummy a little too tight, another one felt like the sleeves were squeezing his arms making him fear that he would rip the hem. He tried on a plain pastel pink knit sweater, but that one was much too short, barely pulling down past his stomach. Next was a blue t-shirt with a sketch if the lovely princess Cinderella, it was long enough to cover his bottom, but it was lying in such a way that made his love-handles stand out much to his dismay.

The rest of the shirts were a similar story, and by the time Patton was finished, there was a tight ache in his chest and tears stinging his eyes.

“How’s it going in there? I wanna see you.”

Roman’s sweet voice chimed in from behind the door but Patton couldn’t take it, all he wanted to do was go home. He wanted to go home and just bawl his eyes out. Patton was such a kind soul, he tried to see the bright side of things but when it came to his body he just couldn’t, he hated feeling this way.

The dressing room door creaked open and Roman was met with a sad sight. Patton’s arms her crossed against his stomach hugging himself as he held his head down, notably wearing the same outfit he came in with.

“Hey, what’s up?” Roman asked concerned, “you didn't like any of them?”

Patton shook his head and spoke softly, “I just wanna go home…”

“Home? But we haven’t even bought anything!”

Roman was confused, hurt to see his boyfriend in such a state as Patton walked passed him. Virgil noticed this and came over.

“Is something wrong?”

Patton sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve, “nothing fit, okay?! Nothing ever fits…”

A small whimper left his lips and he just couldn’t take it anymore. Roman tried to go after him only for Virgil to hold him back.

“Hold on, hold on, just give him a minute.”

~~~

Patton ran to Roman’s car and jumped inside, tearing his cute headband off and pulling his sweatshirt off over his head leaving him in a plain blue t-shirt. He promptly shoved his face into the sweater and let the tears flow as he sat under the hot summer sun.

Very little time passed before Roman came to the driver's side and opened the door, his heart aching to see Patton in such a state.

“Pattie Cake?” He asked gently as he got in the car, “it’s okay, I’m sure we’ll find something that works.”

“You don’t understand,” Patton cried, “I’ve never had a good shopping experience, Ro, never! I’m so sorry I let you drag me to this awful place…”

“Hey, I thought you liked the mall.”

“Sure, when I’m just getting things and not receiving those judgemental looks. Clothes shopping is different. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, darling, just talk to me.”

Roman reached out and placed a hand on Patton’s shoulder prompting his rant.

“I don’t know why you like me… I’m gross and ugly. If you saw my body I’m sure you’d feel the very same. Hate is such a strong word… But I hate myself! No matter how hard I try to look at it, all I’m going to ever be is this disgusting blob! I’m never able to find anything I like, I can only see if it fits, and if it fits then I wear it,” Patton just kept getting more and more worked up, causing him to pause and take a deep breath, finally looking over to Roman. “I wanna express myself, so I wear makeup and pretty headbands, but my clothing?” He shook his head. “I loved those shirts you picked out but… I’m sorry I’m just too fat to wear them.

Fat. The word hissed from his lips, sounding like poison. This one word caused Patton so much pain but he shows no hesitation when referring to himself as such.

“Patton, darling, why are you so hard on yourself?” Roman rested his hand on his cheek wiping away his tears, “gross? Ugly? Never!” He wrapped his arms around Patton and hugged him tightly. 

Patton was tempted to hug back, but he just felt so numb after his fit of emotions.

Roman sighed and turned his head to kiss Patton’s cheek, “my dear you are handsome, gorgeous, beautiful, absolutely magnificent! Whatever you prefer!” He pulled away and lifted Patton’s chin ever so slightly, “I love you… I love you just as you are, and you should too.”

Patton pouted trying to avoid his gaze, “doesn’t change the fact that I don’t…”

“Then,” Roman began, “you can take the steps to change that, and I’ll support you every step of the way.”

He put on a comforting smile then perked up remembering the trip to Hot Topic prior, “until then, Virgil wasn’t gonna let me leave unless I bought something, so here.” Roman pulled out a gift card and handed it to Patton, “he told me that they provide more sizes on the online store, you can get whatever you like.”

It was then Patton wiped away his tears and smiled, looking down at the gift card then to his loving boyfriend, “Thank you, Roman, so so much.”

He leaned forward and gave Roman a quick kiss before sitting back in his seat, “it means a lot.”

“I say,” Roman started up the car and put his seatbelt on, “we go get Starbucks and head back to your place. Then- only if you’d like to- you can come to the gym with me and Logan tomorrow.”

Patton listened to Roman’s plan as he clicked on his seatbelt then reached to hold his hand once he began driving.

“I think I’d like that.”

~~~

A/N: UUUUGGGGHHH I actually teared up writing this, because Patton is me, plain and simple. These are actual things I've said to myself or have been said to me. This single lady doesn't necessarily have a Roman but I do have a support system and I'm glad to say that no matter what, Big is Beautiful. Until next time, Lovies ;)

2018 Playlist

When the music is good, it is unavoidable – YG

I have come to a realization that music is the universal language – for it has the ability to speak to one’s soul despite its origin. For me, music knows no nationality.

It’s pretty obvious by looking at my recent posts that I’m into the Korean pop culture these days. It all started with my interest in watching k dramas and then I fell in love with most of their OSTs and then I learned about iKON and from then on, I’m whipped.

Most of the songs that I listen to this year are not just songs for me – they mean more than that. I’ve told countless stories of how my panic attacks are being triggered but I guess I’ve never really told most people one of the ways that help me cope up during those worst attacks – music. Especially iKON’s songs.

Anyway, here are the songs that helped me get though a lot this year. These songs made me feel less lonely and help me survive each day; here’s my top 10:

1 Runaway – iKON Bobby

“In the mirror, it’s not the me I used to know. I want to chase after my dreams but responsibility weighs you down”

“I lay on my bed but it doesn’t feel like home. I just wanna go far away. Even if the sun rises tomorrow, even if there’s hope, the words ‘good morning’ mean nothing to me”

This song’s lyrics speak to my soul in a whole different level. I feel like the entire song is a reflection of what I am truly feeling but I just can’t tell anyone about it. Most of the time, I feel so overwhelmed with everything that I just wanna run away because escape is the easiest thing to do when things become too much to handle.

2 Climax – Team B/ iKON

B.I.’s rap: “……Tell them to believe in me, that I would definitely succeed. This is not just mine but the life of 6 others. I’ve been looking for a chance lifting them all on my shoulders. I had no other choice but to endure much pressure and failures….and if God will ask me, ‘Won’t you regret it?’ I’ll answer without hesitation, ‘Why would I regret?’ I’ve bet everything and there is no next time. I’ll show you that my determination is like no one else’s”

This is every iKONICS’ weakness for it tells about the beautifully tragic journey of Team B towards reaching their dream of getting debuted. What I love the most about this song is its ability to lift one’s morale. Even though this song was written in a personal level, I felt like their journey was also mine. B.I.’s rap part followed by Junhoe’s verse never fails to make me cry. This song reminded me of how far I’ve come through and there’s no room to quit because I didn’t get this far to only stay this far.

3 A little too much – Shawn Mendes

“Everyone said that she is so strong but what they didn’t know is that she could barely carry on”

“Sometimes it all gets a little too much but you gotta realize that soon the fog would clear up. You don’t have to be afraid because we’re all the same”

There will be a point in our lives wherein everything feels like too much – when you feel like you’re drowning in problems and uncertainties. With this song, it serves as a reminder that the overwhelming feeling of life’s negativity happens to everyone – not just with me. And somehow, someday, things will get better.

4 Freedom – iKON

“At my age, my potential is bursting”

“What’s harder than living is finding the reason to. You might not be able to do the things you want. I’ve gotten to this point by doing things I hate”

Whenever I listen to this song I can’t help but relate it with the movie Goyo. I feel like this song’s lyrics fit perfectly with the movie’s theme. The movie Goyo: Ang Batang Heneral tells the story of one of the Philippines’ youngest general, Gregorio Del Pilar, and how he manages to handle his role during the Philippine-American War. The movie is fearless in telling the story of the hero – that a hero is not a cold statue that is perfect because of his heroism but a hero who is a human capable of making mistakes. In fact the director of the film, Jerrold Tarog, has said that the reason why they focused on Goyo’s life as a general during the war instead of making it the typical movie about a hero (birth-build up-heroism-glorious death) is to be able to tell the story of a hero who became human instead of a human who became a hero. The overall theme of the movie is about youthful negligence, blind allegiance, and misplaced loyalty (like what Irish Dizon, a writer, said) and I really can relate it to the lyrics of this song. My own interpretation of this song is that it tells the story of a young person who craves for freedom but isn’t aware of what comes along with it; it is like telling the people around him to allow him to live his life the way he wants to and yet he’s not aware of the responsibilities that comes along with freedom. I love the contradicting views that Bobby’s rap part has shown because it shows the frustration of the youth today:

At first he said, “Don’t call mistakes a thing of the youth”

But on the last part of his rap he said, “I make mistakes, please embrace me with the excuse of youth”

I guess those phrases are the right representation of this thing called “youthful pride” in which young people tend to have the confidence that they can do anything and everything for they are young and have the fresher perspective in life; when you’re young, you want to do everything and you crave for success so much thinking that the way there is easy. And when you started making mistakes here and there, that’s when you’ll realize that you still got a lot of things to learn and you still have a long way to go before you can succeed.

5 Social Casualty – 5 Seconds of Summer

“Save me from who I’m supposed to be. Don’t wanna be a victim of authority, I’ll always be a part of the minority.”

My own interpretation of this song is that is a cry for help. Seems like the person is aware of his/her own actions’ consequences and it is drowning and/or killing him/her and yet it feels like there is no stopping. The person is crying for someone or anyone to help him/her before it’s too late.

6 In My Blood – Shawn Mendes

“Sometimes I feel like giving up, no medicine is strong enough. Someone help me.”

This song is another cry for help and I can relate to this very much. There are times in my life wherein I feel like no matter how many times I drink my anti-depressants, it still doesn’t take away the overwhelming feelings of sadness, frustration, resentment, anger and regrets. Most of the time, you just want to give up but there is something in you, a tiny spark of hope, which makes you want to hold on and continue fighting and I guess this song tells us this message.

7 The Climb – Miley Cyrus

“…..sometimes I gotta have to lose. Aint about how fast I get there. Aint about what’s waiting on the other side. It’s the climb”

I’ve always considered this song as my motivation. What I love the most about this is that it talks about the journey that one would go through before reaching the top instead of just telling the story of success. I love its realistic approach as it says that “there’s always gonna be another mountain….always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes I’m gonna have to lose….” Because that’s how life is, right? One success doesn’t mean it’s the end of the story – you will still experience a lot of setbacks, some are even worse than the other, but what’s important is that you know how to pick yourself up and fight again.

8 Ready to Run – One Direction

“Cause I wanna be free and I wanna be young. I’ll never look back now I’m ready to run”

And even though most of the time I still feel so afraid of the world and the chaos that it always bring, the fighter in me says that I should “Keep on fighting. Take the risk” and that’s how I feel every time I listen to this song. If I don’t take risks then someday I would be filled with the “what ifs” and “I wish I could’ve done” and that would suck. It would be better to be fearless sometimes because at the end of the day, if things go wrong…if things didn’t end up the way you’ve thought, at least you can charge it to experience. At least, you’ve learned something.

9 Sweeter than Fiction – Taylor Swift

“It’s like we don’t remember the pain that we thought would last forever”

What I love the most about this song is its calming melody. Whenever I listen to this, somehow my mood lifts up. This song is perfect for celebrating one’s success – even though they are just small victories. What I’ve realized throughout my journey in 2018 is that even the simplest things such as deciding to show up at work and do your job even though deep inside you are breaking is already a victory; it doesn’t matter how big or small your achievements are, because an accomplishment is always an accomplishment. Life is tough, but we can endure.

10 Little Me – Little Mix

“Wish I knew back then what I know now. Wish I could somehow go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice. I’ll tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out, talk a bit louder….tell her she’s beautiful, wonderful, everything she doesn’t see…..you can be anything you wanna be”

If I could give my younger self a message, it would be the lyrics from this song. I always feel a bit emotional whenever I listen to this because I can’t help but look back at my younger years. As a child, my confidence is at its lowest point because I am afraid of facing the world. I never really have friends, being alone is my solace. I tend to isolate myself as a defense because I don’t want people to hurt me and such habit of mine left an impact on what kind of person I’ve become today. I’ve realized that if only I was braver, I could’ve made my early years better and also, if I’ve got people who supports and believes in me, things would’ve been different today. While writing this, I remembered Miss Universe 2018 Catriona Gray’s words: “I’m standing here today because someone believed in me. We owe it to our children to believe in them” I can’t change the past but I can definitely do something now – I will start it by guiding my younger cousins and be there for them when they need support and a friend to talk to.

 <next on the list are in no particular order, but I listen to these songs a lot>

Love Scenario – iKON

South Korea’s Song of the Year for 2018. This song is really catchy and easy to sing along with; in fact, even if you can’t speak Korean, you can easily learn the lyrics of this song. However, even though it has a “happy” melody, the lyrics are a bit painful. This one tells the story of someone accepting the fact that something in his life is over and even though it hurts, as long as you have the memories to look back, then that’s good enough.

Killing Me – iKON

Even though this song is a sequel to Love Scenario and it tells the story of a break up, I’ve connected with this on a different way. For me, it was about a dream of mine that I’ve let go because I thought it’s best for me to pursue other things but here I am, finally experiencing the weight of my decision and it is KILLING ME ;) Bobby’s last verses in this song speak to my soul so much:

“The once extinguished fire is burning up again. Is it because of the painful longing or just my selfish loneliness?”

Goodbye Road – iKON

This is the last part of the break up trilogy and it is about saying goodbye for real this time. If in Love Scenario the person was positive and accepting about the break up, in Killing Me he felt the weight of it, this time in Goodbye Road, he is now finally willing to let go. The melody of this song is so beautiful that it makes it more painful to listen to because of the lyrics.

Just for you – iKON

This song is dedicated for iKONICS only.

Don’t forget – iKON

Its lyrics: “Don’t forget us, don’t forget me” is how I would like to tell the world that people who are suffering from mental disorder needs treatment too. Just because our pain and battle is invisible doesn’t make it invalid. Don’t forget us in your prayers for the healing of the sick.

Rubber band – iKON

Only You – iKON

Beautiful – iKON

Bestfriend – iKON

Apology – iKON

My Type – iKON

Hug Me – iKON

Don’t let me know – iKON

Everything – iKON

Dumb and Dumber – iKON

Long time no see – iKON

Make you proud – iKON

B-day – iKON

This is the best birthday song ever!

(can I just put iKON’s entire discography here? LOL but tbh, I listen to iKON’s entire discography everyday because all songs are really good!)

I love you – Bobby

One and Only – B.I.

The Eve – EXO

Heaven – EXO

Shine – Pentagon

Beautiful – Crush (Goblin OST)

The first time I listened to this song, I fell in love immediately

Stay with me – Punch ft. EXO Chanyeol (Goblin OST)

This song has some mysterious vibes in it which makes it perfect for the drama’s theme

Do you know – Gummy (Love in the Moonlight OST)

Everytime – Punch ft. EXO Chen (Descendants of the Sun OST)

Eternal Love – Michael Learns to Rock (Healer OST)

Perfect song for a wedding!

Melting – K. Will (LITM OST)

Hush – Lasse Lindh (Goblin OST)

Sunflower – Younha (Doctors OST)

No Way – Park Yongin, Kwon Soonil (Doctors OST)

You are my everything – Gummy (DOTS OST)

Let me out – NUEST W (Hwayugi OST)

When I saw you – BUMKEY (Hwayugi OST)

I miss you – Soyou (Goblin OST)

I will go to you like the first snow – Ailee (Goblin OST)

Bless the Broken Road – Cover by Jess and Gabriel

This one’s great for a wedding too! This song is great to play as the bride walks down the aisle

Little Do You Know – Cover by Jess and Gabriel

Forever – Damien Fernandez

Stand by me – SHINee

Scream – Michael Jackson ft. Janet Jackson

Rewrite the Stars – The Greatest Showman OST

Really Really – Winner

My Person – Park Bo Gum (LITM OST)

Prom – Ebe Dancel

Oks Lang Ako – JROA

Haru Haru – Big Bang

As if it’s your last – BlackPink

Photograph – Ed Sheeran

Broken Home – 5 Seconds of Summer

Hanggang Wala Nang Bukas – Ebe Dancel (Heneral Luna OST)

Long Live – Taylor Swift

Drag Me Down – One Direction

Rejects – 5 Seconds of Summer

Long way home – 5 Seconds of Summer

Hey everybody – 5 Seconds of Summer

I want you back – 5 Seconds of Summer

Youngblood – 5 Seconds of Summer

Perfect – Ed Sheeran

The Middle – Zedd Grey

Never be the same – Camila Cabello

There are still a lot of songs that I wanna add here but I guess this post has been way too long already. Anyway, to anyone reading this I hope you can listen to some of the songs I’ve posted here : )

 X,

TinaMae

my name is matthew a. k. i sometimes go by matt or matty (or madison). i am 24, i live in michigan, i enjoy reading, playing video games, being around my friends, and being told things that make me feel like i’m of importance or matter to anyone.

i work full time at an appliance store and i hate working there but i don’t have a car so i can’t get a different job unless i wanna work fast food or walk a long ways away.

i don’t think we are in a real world scenario, much like the guy i posted earlier i often go into brief respites of thinking of i’m in a simulation. i never think i’m the main character though, but it makes sense that this entire world would be enticed to make it appear as if i am the main character or whatever. it’s the drive that keeps you going, the feeling of being THE human, not A human. once you lose this feeling you become depressed, suicidal, lethargic. the world has turned against you.

i don’t like asking for help or seeming weak, i’d rather just have the pride of doing things myself, no matter how stupid i look just as long as i can get it done.

i don’t like when people are mean spirited or just have an evil aura about them. i can’t handle being around meany bo beanies lol.

i don’t like being alone but i’m alone quite a lot, it hurts me mentally. the only person i really talk to is my mom. i don’t really have great social relations with my family, growing up was difficult and i was forced to become adult-minded and goal-oriented from the age of roughly 10-13 (i dont remember the exact ages, i block it out, except the memory of my drug using dad at the time threatening to kill me because i wanted him to stop beating my alcoholic mom.)

after they had gotten divorced and staved off of their addictions my home life got a lot better but i still was encapsulated in this world of online role playing, it was the only escape i had from my life, and the online still is my only escape. i made so many great friends and memories with a computer. memories i don’t have a way to describe to others or show anything other than screenshots of. it’s terrible. high school was just me disassociating through life via online escapism or doing whatever i could to block out the terribleness of my life.

it’s weird that i don’t look back on these events and hate them (my parents) for it, or harbor any ill will. they did kind of singlehandedly ruin my childhood. instead throughout my life i’ve kind of thought of those “parents” as dead and my parents i have now as kind of like replacements, kind of like clones. swapped out.

i wish i was normal and didn’t do what i did regarding to being online all the time, so i could possibly have better ways to talk to people in person instead of spouting out word salad that makes it seem like i’m an incompetent dribbling idiot.

i’m only writing this all down because i feel like i should. i matter. i matter a lot to a lot of people. not a lot of people know how i feel because i don’t let them in. the last 2 people i let into my heart and into my feelings ended up using my feelings and my good natured self to make fun of me, hurt me, and belittle me to the lowest of my life.

just don’t understand that part at all and most of what i have trouble coping with. why is it that i’m a good person and do good things and help other people but i still get treated so awfully. what did i do to deserve the life i was given? i try to make it better and i just cannot. God brings someone into my life for the short term happiness and then 3.5 YEARS LATER everything will come crashing down. has happened three times. each all deteriorating my mental image of my self worth and how i view myself. i have a warped view on sex now, i’m both disgusted of it and crave it because in those moments i know i’m wanted by someone even if it’s only for that... i’m constantly stuck within a mental state of not knowing if i want to be a woman or if i need to be the manliest man ever. there are so many mental versions of me that i see when i think about what i am and what i look like that it’s always a surprise to sit there and just stare in the mirror because it’s never how i remember me looking like.

i love fruits and vegetables. i love how sweet and tasty they are.

i love all animals and how they love me back.

i love my friends and family for being there for me even when i don’t ask for it.

i love being alive and i love life.

i think everyone should be allowed two chances depending on what it is or what you mean to that person, it’s just fair. turn the other cheek and whatnot

i hate lying and if i do you can probably tell because i’m terrible at it and don’t like it

i love listening to terrible music that nobody else wants to listen to. i love hearing terrible jokes, i love when people are genuine and true to themselves and not trying to impress anyone else

Understandable? Or not?

K: Was it a wrong thing? Yes. Everyone would say so. Was it understandable? I think at least some would say so. Given the way we had gone round and round I have little to no insight into T and L. I have no idea how they work. What she knew or knows.

J: What does that mean.... understandable? Like it’s ok sorta to do?

K: No. Not okay.

J: Then why understandable?

K: That the path I took, as not okay as it was....it was understandable how I could have made those choices.  I was lost. I made mistakes. This does not justify it. I am never gonna forgive myself for lying to you. For hiding from you. But i was lost.

J: Sigh (((((((Kezziah)))))))

K: And I was afraid. And I did not know how to find myself or talk to you about my lost voice. I only knew i did not want to make you mad. I could not face it. It terrified me on a visceral level.

J: And so the way you chose, was that I would just be clueless about stuff instead.

K: And so i did something that made sense to me... That was wrong. That I thought would be harmless... it was wrong on so many levels. But i had become so unsure of myself with you.  I was lost. It was not about you per se. You feel that it was. But it was not. It was never meant to hurt you or make you the fool.

J: When you did that, and others know but I do not, it is inherent there is going to be a loss of respect

K: It was just so i could find my voice somehow.. ... i can never explain this to you. Cause you could never feel what i was feeling

J: there is in fact a loss of respect

K: Crying*

J: That is what you gave me.

K: There had been so many times the bar had been moved.... I was boxed in. No longer me

J: Unfortunately, I earned it. Sorry I sucked so bad.

K: I never wanted to lose you. I only wanted to keep your love. We were not communicating when we thought we were.

J: Clearly.

K: I did not know how to cope with your jealousy. I could not abide your unfounded accusations. And yet I felt guilty. Like I must have done something wrong. I was sure that if you were that mad at me, I needed to fix it. I must have done something wrong to earn your wrath. It was a terrible cognitive dissonance for me.  And I started to distrust myself. Every instinct. Every word I typed. 

J: So what does that say about anything we spoke of any of those times? Like apologies, forgiveness, and me saying I am going to adjust this or that about my behavior how I was going to try something different and how proud we were for our talks through it and your takes on the situations and any of that stuff....was it all just so much words and we really didn’t fix anything?

K: I believed all that. I did.

J: But how then?

K: But the fact is....you kept doing it. Again and again.

J: We tried so much to believe in each other, we each conceded stuff

K: I kept limiting my behavior more and more.

J: You weren’t alone in that.

K: And yet you kept getting triggered. And then I was in trouble with you again. And you were threatening to leave me. And i could not take that I was willing to do anything to stop that. It cut me to little pieces

J: I should have left. I kept triggering, it wasn’t right to keep doing that

K: I didn’t want you to leave *sobbing....fuck....

J: I know. And I didn't wanna either. Entirely selfish of me. You don't need that crap from anyone.

K: Every time...we had that fight...and we made up...and you said you would never do it again....I believed you.

J: It’s not a worthy trade off. I know I broke that.

K: Until the last time when we fought and C was in the middle I thought.....it’s never gonna end. He’s trying but he can’t help it.   But he can’t stop. I felt so defeated. I felt so broken. When you accused me of taking up with C... When you thought I was chatting with him when I was picking up after the dog... missed your chime and you were furious with me... Omg.

J: Sigh

K: Jameson... These things. You have no idea the effect they had on me. The power you had over me. How much your anger destroyed me. How your accusations of unfaithfulness cut me. I was never unfaithful to you for one minute. Sobbing* I know you are never gonna believe me. I deserve that. But...your accusations...they almost drove me to create the reality you envisioned.... I don’t know.  Kills me.

J: Nothing to hide now, hun. I am so sorry.

K: I only ever wanted you. I am not saying what I did was okay. It was not. But...I was damaged.  And broken. In ways I am only now understanding.  You didn't mean to. And I contributed... Someday I hope you can forgive me and let go of it. Stop throwing it in my face. I want to put it behind us. I had thought it was behind us months ago. I know it can’t be behind us yet because I didn't tell you and was hiding the whole damn thing

J: I am not throwing it in your face. Uggh.

K: It feels like it. Every time... Like a weapon. I could not feel worse about it than i do. I don't know how to apologize more than I have. I know I disrespected you and us. And lied and omitted and dissembled

J: Then stop.

K: I won’t ever do that again.

J: Like I said I don't know what else to say any more. All it does....is this all this crap above.... I can't resolve anything within myself because no one will talk to me about it, so I’ll figger it out on my own and I'm still the asshole. So meh.

K: I don't know what to say when you ask me things i don't know

J: Nothing more to say then.

K: When you seem to have heard things I didn't say

J: I asked a question.  I asked for clarity. Who got bowed up? 

K: I did. I am sorry. I am so sorry.

J: My fault for asking

K: I don't know what you expect me to say. I don't really know T. How should I know what was said between T and L?

J: I expect an answer, anything else looks like methinks she doth protest too much

K: I feel like everything I ever say is wrong. It’s reflexive. It’s habit with you. That what I say is wrong. Not enough. So I keep saying more things. Getting more defensive. Even when there is no reason on gods green earth for me to actually BE defensive.

J: And that is why we can’t do this stuff anymore. It seem like I should not ask questions that no one can answer and you get freaked out when I ask

K: And your hair stands on end. And you hear guilt. And then I can’t stop crying.

J: My hair does not. I hear inconsistencies.

K: Male brain: female brain. I am not lying. I am not.

J: And there are and have been tons of that throughout all of this and, you know, that stuff just doesn’t rest. And why would it? Because my gf chose to hide, lie about it and send her secret friend out to attack me to keep it under wraps. So yea. It bothers me.

K: I never wanted him to say any of that to you. I hate that he did that. I hate it.

J: Just ....what... “oh Jameson...it’s a big nothing, forget about it pretty please?”

K: I know you are not gonna forget about it. Just as I can't forget about your false accusations that terrified me.

J: Your messages have him attacking me passively and indirectly and you let him there too. It’s not so easy to reconcile, Kezziah

K: I AM NOT responsible for his actions and words.

J: I am a butthurt motherfucker.

K: Clearly, I was a fucking mess.

J: You always let your friends talk crap about your bf?

K: Jameson....do you have any idea the state I was in? And I think you can see how I DID disagree with him. Maybe not as much as I could have. But...I was a mess. And you were not talking to me at all. And I thought you might never again.

J: Well he is good guy, well worth all this trouble.

K: I refuse to defend him… He is not. You are everything to me.

J: I never wanted to be your everything.

K: I thought he was a good person. Maybe he is not. The contrast between you and him is stark

J: A big thing mebbe, definitely not everything.

K: Okay, you are my BIG thing Jameson... I cannot fight like this. I am too upset to work right now.

J: I can’t either.

K: This is the same ground we keep going over. I don't know how to help you.

J: I don't need any help.

K: I don’t know how to help us move forward.

J: I'll sort it out on my own.

K: I hate that I have hurt you so much. And that someone i called a friend was such an asshole to you. Totally unacceptable. I'm utterly confused by his behavior. I don’t know what it is you want when you ask me the kinds of things you asked me today that got me so upset I just don’t know what you want. I can’t answer them. I just don't know.

J: I can’t ask if you are gonna get bowed up. So no worries. I won’t anymore. I figured stuff out so far. I can sort out the rest. Thank you, for your time on it. My sincerest apologies for upsetting you. I suck at this stuff.

K: I don’t know about that. Mebbe we both suck. Somehow we are gonna get better at this.

J: Doesn’t seem like it. Mebbe we better to be just friends and not touch this ever again or anything like it.

K: Your hurt over this is deep. I acknowledge it. You have nursed it for half a year until it has grown larger than us. It is gonna take time. Two steps forward.  One step back. It is not linear. I am not gonna quit on you. We made this mess together. Some we gotta handle alone. Some we can do together. I don’t think it is possible to not touch on this stuff again. That's not honest either. If we are gonna be friends. Or whatever... we are gonna be dealing with it.

J: All’s I have are straws to grasp at here. No one wants to speak with me directly about these things. All I get are ‘yea yea I understand’ and ‘it sucks’ ‘I am sorry.' There is no manual for this kind of stuff. I have been crappy, and now you are because of it, so now what? Just run around and be all dysfunctional together? I don't know how to release this stuff. I don't know how to reconcile this all in my mind. I don't know how either of us saves face with it either. Just what, say 'yea, you are right I was a butthead', and this and all its discrepancies is ok now and back to business as usual?

When I went through conflicts before with people, either my own or sorting through someone else's, we would find a place to where it came down to finding what it was one needed to finally lay it to rest. That is going to be difficult if we can't even talk about this stuff without getting bowed up. I know you keep offering things, and please don't think I don't appreciate it.

I want this to be done with too. I am also uncertain and afraid that getting it sorted out may be more damaging to our relationship than it being worthwhile to do. We are are already so messed up. How much more can you endure? Can I? Before all is lost.

K: I am doing the best I can to speak directly to you. I am sorry if i get upset. Sometimes it surprises me. All of a sudden we are in the middle of stuff I was not ready for. I keep trying. I feel like I keep failing. I can't stand to try so hard and feel that you still think I am lying. I do not believe that our attempts at this make things worse. It’s cyclical. Not linear. Two steps forward.  One back.

©redthreads

陪同

To: KPop Tumblr / From: An Angry Black Girl

WARNING: This is a RANT. If you don’t want to read this, or you don’t want to have to sit through my deepest disappointment and the annoyance that has been dwelling within me for the longest about this; please just scroll right past this and you will be a-okay.

- Admin Dayna

Okay so, I know I’ve mentioned before that I wanted to avoid the topics of racism and culture appropriation within K-Pop because the list goes on forever, and as a black girl with anxiety and depression, having to constantly speak up against these things get extremely tiring and weigh heavy on me. But the reason why I’m deciding to write about this now is because I’ve been seeing certain things floating around in the K-Pop side of tumblr that’s quite honestly being left untouched and I just… I really can’t sit back and let it not be known.

I want to first start off with my deepest concern for the constant validation black girls seek on tumblr about whether or not so-and-so or such-and-such Idol group likes black girls. We see videos on Tumblr and YouTube quite often of compilations of idols interacting with black girls, overthinking and overplaying said interactions/conversations and romanticizing it to gain some sort of self-worth from said videos. As if these girls need confirmation that they are beautiful and can be loved by anyone. Which really hurts because what other race of girls has to sit down and ask themselves if the person they’re interested in likes their race and not them, themselves. The only time that I see anything in regards of afro-fans within the K-Pop side of Tumblr is when the blog specifically caters to said race – which truly bothers me because then my race often times get sexualized in said blogs. We should be able to intermingle no matter what our races. POC girls are of the norms, bruh like tf?

Which leads me to this topic: Black Girls – or more so Black Culture – are used as props within K-Pop so often that when I try to express my distaste towards a certain idol or a certain music video, I get backlash for it from stans because they’re so blinded by either; A) The need to be loved and noticed by their biases despite the fact that their bias is using them as an object to enhance whatever aesthetic, concept, or audience they’re trying to appeal to, or B) the aggression or culture appropriation either doesn’t affect them or is so trivial (yet very wrong) that it ends up being dusted under the rug because “they don’t know better”.

But the thing is, some of these idols have been overseas, worked overseas, lived overseas, that they have been exposed to these things already, so the truth of the matter is, they do know better. So many idols have been called out for saying certain words (for example dropping the word nigga around as if they know what it’s like to be followed around a store just in case you decide to steal something, or to have an irrational fear of authority figures just in case they go ape shit and decide to shoot you unarmed) or carrying out certain actions (for example, painting their skin black and over drawing their lips, and pretending to know what it’s like to struggle out in these streets and use our means of coping – music – as a source of entertainment and costume). It is 2017, they have social media, and so many idols before them have made these mistakes before that there is just no fucking excuse anymore.

NONE.

What lead up to this rant was the fact that Jay-fucking-Park, took a revolutionary name brand and rode it out for his own fucking label. Jay Park has taken NWA (Niggas with Attitude) and turned it into his own NWA (New Wave Attitude) and I am incredibly pissed that he would do that because Jay Park SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

The entire purpose of Niggas with Attitude was to reclaim and expose the hardships, stereotypes, and struggles of black people who find themselves cornered and stuck in the ghettos that they were forced into, and explain to the mass audiences why black people are “always angry”. Why black people “always steal”. Why black people “always do drugs”. It’s because majority of us don’t have a choice. We don’t have the same resources and do not know anything beyond the struggles of the streets because we’ve been cornered and kept there all our lives.

Now here is Jay Park, a man who has been exposed to black culture, knows black people, love black people, taking such a powerful name brand and turning it into some whimsical ass whatever-the-fuck for the hype or the wave and shit – completely dismissing the historical importance of the original NWA in music.

This shit ain’t no fucking joke. This shit ain’t to be messed with, b. Gangsta rap, hip-hop – just rap in general isn’t a fucking game. It comes from starvation. It comes from self-hate. It comes from poverty, and degradation, and discrimination. Hip-Hop and Rap became what it is because black people were too broke to afford instruments and shit – we had to use our voices. Because music was all we got. From the slave trade to now! It ain’t shit for people to be twisting up for their own fun like this.

Put some respect on our names or get the fuck out!

Now we got people like fucking Keith Ape running around snatching up Atlanta’s trap music calling it “noisy rap”. We got fucking Taeyang saying “he wanna experience black people’s pain”. We got Jackson and Jooheon making a fucking fool of themselves (bless they souls man, don’t even come for me because Jooheon is my ultimate bias, y’all know this. i fucking love him and Jackson but they were wildin’) claiming that Jooheon is like “the Korean Kendrick Lamar”. Like the fuck they know about Kendrick Lamar? The fuck they know about “The Blacker the Berry, the Sweet the Juice”? The fuck they know about “Nagus to Niggas”? The fuck they know about “How Can I paint a picture, when the color blind is hanging you?”

What does Jay Park know about “Fuck the Police”?

Black people aren’t props.

Stop protecting y’all biases and get with the shits bruh.

Anyways, I hope y’all have a blessed day. Love you.

Jives and Java

For the final day of Cassiestephkara Week the prompt was Favorite Troupe. Now I couldn’t think of a favorite troupe besides the high school au and I wanted to keep that as a verse for me to play around with more later. As such this is a mesh of a coffee shop au, a meet cute, and an identity reveal. Can also be found here on ao3. Rated G; 1,723 words Cassiestephkara

Steph knew she had to find a summer job but she was hoping to avoid working as a barista. As usual, her luck didn’t quite hold up so she found herself wearing a baseball cap and apron, working a cappuccino machine for the summer. Tim had offered to get her a paid internship at WE but she was still averse to him doing and buying things for her. Though he insisted on coming to her for his coffee and tipping extra, but it was a small, family owned shop with quality brew and pastries so Steph didn’t mind him doing that.

One afternoon as she was wiping down tables the bell over the door jangled causing her to glance up. Tim waved at her as he walked in, trailed behind by two boys and a pair of blondes. Steph’s coworker motioned that she was to come take Tim and company’s order. She grabbed her towel and weaved her way between the tables to behind the counter.

“Hey there Timbo,” she said with a grin. “What can I do ya for?”

Tim smiled and searched his pockets for his wallet. “When do you go on break?”

“Whenever I want. Why?”

“I want you to meet my friends, you know, outside of uniform,” Tim gave her a conspiring wink. Flipping out one of his credit cards he just asked for his usual and whatever the others wanted. She tapped his extra-large black coffee and chocolate croissant into the system and wrote Timmy-boy onto a cup with a little bat, because she thought she was clever. He went off to find a table and the tall dark-haired boy came up to the counter.

“Welcome to Jives and Java! How can I help you? And don’t bother paying, Tim’s already got it covered,” Steph gave her most charming grin as he studied the menu.

“Hi, yeah, uh… I have no idea what I want,” he admitted with a slight grimace.

“Well, do you like sweet or bitter?” Steph asked brightly.

“I’ve got it Kon,” the blonde with curly hair laughed. “Whatever Tim got, give him the exact opposite.” The others all laughed and Steph smirked.

“Well, I normally do that too so I’d go with the cotton candy frappe,” Steph suggested.

The boy wrinkled his nose but the other girl smiled. “I’ll take one of those!”

Steph tapped in the order. “Can I have a name for the cup?”

“Kara, K-A-R-A,” The girl spelled as Steph scribbled it down. On a whim, she drew a heart after the girl’s name.

“Can I have a decaf macchiato with whole milk?” the other boy asked and Steph bobbed her head. “A medium?” Steph grabbed the proper cup and uncapped her sharpie once again, patiently waiting with the tip just above the paper. “Bart. As in Bartholomew. But just the first four letters,” he told her, rapid fire. She wrote it down and added a squiggly lightning bolt on the end. Placing the cup in line on top of the machine she turned back to the last boy, who was actually the first.

“Can I have a cinnamon apple tea? That’s for Conner with an E-R at the end. I know, lame,” he chuckled.

Steph wrinkled her nose and shook her head. “Nah, your order is actually the easiest and so my favorite,” she shot the group a smile. She hadn’t realized that Tim was going to introduce her to his Titan friends, well introduce Steph seeing as how Batgirl already knew them all. Since taking their orders she knew exactly who they were, three of them didn’t wear a mask anyway.

The final girl had finished studying the menu and came closer to the counter. “Can I get a large caramel mocha and a strawberry crepe? For Cassie,” she smiled warmly and Steph returned it. Scribbling the name down she added a star over the I and at the end. She finished ringing everything up and swiped Tim’s card, passing it to Cassie.

Her coworker had already started on the drinks so Steph plated the pastries and grabbed her own cotton candy frappe. “I’m going to go on break then.” Her coworker just shrugged as Steph grabbed the tray and walked to the back corner where the teen heroes had commandeered a table.

She handed out the drinks before flopping into the booth next to Tim, slurping her pink and frothy drink up her straw. Tim practically inhaled the first third of his coffee before realizing that everyone was waiting on him to make introductions. Steph knew she could just introduce herself but she liked forcing the boy blunder to be social. When he realized that he was who they were waiting on he settled the paper cup on the table and self-consciously ran his finger over the black ink of his name. His eye caught on the bat and he shared a self-deprecating grin with her.

“So, this is my friend Steph. Steph these are my, uh, camp friends. Kon, Kara, Cassie, and Bart,” he pointed to each in turn.

“Camp?” Steph asked with a raised brow. “Tim. Really? Camp.” His cheeks colored and the others squirmed uncomfortably. Steph waved her hand at them. “Relax. I know. My only question is, where’s Tam?”

Tim swallowed his coffee quickly before answering. “She’s on vacation with her family. I thought you knew?”

“Practically and actually a Wayne are two very different things,” Steph responded dryly.

Kara’s eyes widened. “No way,” she whispered.

Steph laughed and nodded. “So, what’re you lot doing in Gotham? You know we have strict rules around here.”

“We know he’s off world right now,” Cassie smirked. “Tim said we had to check out the best coffee shop in Gotham, while we could.”

“He also said that it had the best look barista in all of Gotham too,” Kon said with a wink. Steph nearly whacked the back of her head on the booth she laughed so hard. Tim’s eyes narrowed to half Batglare™ level at his best friend. Kon was able to shrug it off but suddenly doubled over with an “Oof!” From Bart’s laughter and the girls’ grins they had apparently elbowed him in the stomach simultaneously.

“I like you friends,” she stage whispered to Tim.

“We like you too! I mean I do, uh like you that is,” Kara stopped as her face reddened.

Bart smiled at her before turning back to address Steph. “You ever in Cali let us know!”

“Trust me, I will. No way I can afford a hotel out there on these tips,” Steph laughed.

“You’re more than welcome to crash in my room,” Cassie said with an easy smile.

“Thanks! I’ve got to head back,” Steph said. She finished her frothy pink drink and slid out of the booth. “I get off at three if you guys are still in town and wanna hang?”

“We were going to head back to the manor and play video games,” Tim said as he looked at the table for their responses.

“Why don’t you guys game and Kara and I can meet Steph and hit the shops?” Cassie suggested.

Everyone nodded and Steph grinned. “Ok! I’ll meet you here at three then,” she said before walking back to the counter.

***

Steph stuffed her apron and hat into her messenger bag as she waved to her coworkers. Cassie and Kara were waiting patiently outside the shop. Kara with her sundress and Cassie with her jean short overalls and crop top, they looked like any two teenagers hanging out on a warm summer afternoon. Not a single Gothamite passing by would have guessed two of the most powerful people in the world were right there playing Pokemon Go. Then again, they didn’t realize the true night life of their first family either.

“Hey guys!” Steph called as she walked towards them.

They both raised their heads from their phones and smiled at her. Kara waved it toward her excitedly. “Look! I caught an Eevee! I know they’re not much of anything but I think they’re adorable. I have about 10 and every evolution,” Kara trailed off as her cheeks started to turn pink.

“Kara, I’m not the type to judge one on their favorite pokemon. Now what team you’re on is another story entirely,” Steph raised her eyebrows imploringly.

Cassie burst out laughing. “Valor all the way!” Steph gave her a victorious high five as Kara’s cheeks turned a deep red. “She’s on Instinct,” Cassie said.

“Aw. That’s actually really cute. Don’t tell anyone I told you this, cause he’d totally kill me, but so is Dami.” Steph clapped Kara on the shoulder. The other girl just looked at her incredulously. “On my own grave I swear it!”

Cassie winced at that. “I don’t mean to be rude but uh, are the death jokes necessary?”

“As Jason says, ‘They’re a coping mechanism’,” Steph shrugged.

Kara exchanged a concerned look with Cassie. Steph noticed Cassie pursing her lips back at Kara. If she knew Cassie better than Steph would have been able to see the concern in her expression too.

“Why don’t we go hit the shopping district? Tim left me his card so we can have some fun,” Steph said, trying to dispel the slight chill that had fallen over the three girls.

“Ok,” Kara said with a bright smile.

“I’m always down to spend Wayne family money,” Cassie smirked.

The three girls left the front of the coffee shop and headed downtown, their blonde hair fluttering in the wind. The rest of the afternoon was a whirlwind of fun. Cassie told them all about her mom’s latest exhibition in Peru and how she had been helping in her free time. Kara talked about moving to the Kent farm and helping with the chores. Feeding the newborn calves was her favorite. Steph entertained them with tales from the coffee shop. Regaling crazy costumers, crazy orders, and just plan odd encounters.

By the end of the day the three had made plans to meet again, this time to go Pokemon hunting in San Francisco. Steph had been so glad that Tim had introduced her, Stephanie Brown that is, to Cassie Sandsmark and Kara Danvers. Hanging out as Batgirl, Supergirl, and Wonder Girl was certainly fun, but as three average girls was ten times better.