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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 9 months

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Bad Reputation 1

Warnings: dark elements, noncon, abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, cheating, other dark elements. Proceed with caution.

Note: Please let me know what you think as it helps me a lot with ideas and I love interacting with you all.

Part of The Club AU

“I can’t tell you how much I need this,” Maria sighs as you put down the cocktail before her.

“Yeah, me too,” you sit back and twirl the straw in your drink.

“You sure about this place?” She looks around as she lifts the glass filled to the brim with a pink and purple ombre, topped with a wedge of bright lime. “Seems a bit young for us.”

“Uh, well, Google Maps isn’t exactly intuitive, I guess. You said drinks and I didn’t think you’d wanna go down to some dive.”

“Mm, yeah, I might run into my husband,” she scoffs, setting down her drink and rubbing her temples, “I can’t explain to you how intense it’s been. I don’t know what’s going on with him.”

“Sounds like he wants to be your father, not your husband,” you roll your eyes.

“No, no ‘I told you so’s’,” she crosses her arms, “because I know. You were right. He’s controlling. I just… I didn’t think he’d get this bad.”

You nod. You don’t want to be right. You care for your friend. You want her to be okay.

“Where does he think you are right now?”

“With the kids,” she says guiltily, “I told him I was taking them to my parents’ place. Which I did, he just thinks I’m there too.”

“Jeez,” you rub your chin, “so, what do you think? Talking to a therapist or a lawyer?”

She looks at you, a dire spark in her eyes, “I don’t know. I’m trying to figure it out. Either one is going to be like pulling teeth.”

“Yeah, I can only imagine.”

“God, I wish I was you,” she lifts her glass again, “single, childfree, alive.”

“Oh, Mar, don’t say that. You just need to get through this. And you can. The both of you just need to figure it out. You need to adjust. You never did, really. He kept on doing the same things, meanwhile you gave up everything to be with the kids. You deserve to get some of you back.”

“Please,” she wiggles her nose, “you know I get weepy when I drink.”

“And look at me getting sentimental,” you chuckle, “alright, that’s it.” You pick up your cocktail and chug it, trickling a little down the corner of your mouth. You wipe away the excess and slam the glass down, “you’re going to finish that. Then we’re going to get another and we’re going to dance.”

“Dance? College ended a long time ago–”

“We’re still wild, Mar, you’ll see. Down it and lets do a double to get in the mood. I’m not letting you go until your leaning.”

She huffs and shakes her head, hovering her drink before her lips, “you really are a bad influence.”

“Oh, you can be sure to tell Frank he was right about me,” you wink.

🎶

You come out onto the pavement as the buzzing of the music sticks in your ears. You made it to last call but Maria is barely holding on as she clings to your shoulder. You giggle and search for a cab among the rabble of clubbers dispersing in pairs and larger groups.

You see the Golden Arches just behind the row of buildings across the street, “how about some Mickey D’s, huh? Suck up some of that vodka?”

“No, I gotta get home,” she babbles into a belch.

“You know you want a McChicken? Oh, how about nuggets? You know the sweet and sour sauce is your fave.”

“Stop!” She nearly shouts in your ear.

“I’m not going home till I have a juicy Big Mac in these paws,” you drag her down the sidewalk.

“Ugh, I can’t believe it’s after two,” she manages to bobble beside you, swaying slightly as she keeps a hold of your arm, “I’m a mother! My kids–”

“Are well taken care of,” you assure her, “this is girls’ night and it’s not over yet.”

You turn the corner, a few others ahead of you seem to have the same destination in sight. In the back of your mind, you know you’ll regret it in the morning but right now, your mouth is watering for over processed meat and cheese. Maria hiccups and hums.

“I’m gonna feel like shit,” she voices your inner monologue.

“We can feel like shit together,” you laugh, “just like college–”

Suddenly she slips away from you. At first you think she tripped but then you see the shadow dragging her back down the pavement. You know that gait, that lumbering rhythm, shoulders squared, nostrils puffing like a bull. Really? That jackass.

“Frank,” you shuffle to catch Maria’s other arm as she stumbles senselessly behind him, whimpering, “let her go.”

“Let my wife go,” he marches but you cling to Maria, drawing him back, “stay out of my marriage.”

“This isn’t about you, we’re having fun–”

“You need to grow up,” he keeps one hand on Maria as he rears on you, wagging his thick finger in your face, “mind your fucking business and stay away from my goddamn wife.”

“She’s an adult. She can do what she wants–”

“I know your bullshit. You get her all worked up then talk her into your dumb shit. Because you can’t hold onto a man of your own–”

“Pfft, whatever, I don’t need some asshole like you, Frank Castle–”

You stagger back as his fist cracks across your cheek. You taste blood as you fall backwards onto your ass, crying out at the pain that zips through your hip, ankle thrumming as you manage to unhook your heel from a crack in the sidewalk. You whine and cradle your head.

“Oh my god, are you o–” Maria reaches for you, hanging from Frank’s grasp.

“Come on. Home,” he snarls and jerks her away, “where you belong.”

“Hey,” you get to your knees, head swirling as you try to plant a foot.

“You follow me and I’ll leave you in the gutter,” he stops and points at you again, “fucking trash.”

You spit out blood into your hand, frozen in fear and dizziness. You can barely believe he hit you. He really hit you. You just hope he doesn’t do worse to Maria.

#frank castle #dark frank castle #dark!frank castle #frank castle x reader #bad reputation #drabble #series #au #the club #the punisher #marvel #mcu

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lorddistancebarry · 3 years

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Forest In Chains - Chapter 1

"500, 600, 700, 800, 900.." Garcello counts the cash in his hands after he was given the bag of money. After Tabi fell and didn’t get back up from the half-giant cutting loose and throwing him through the cage into the left most stands of the audience. After the red haze cleared. After basically running with fire and panicking the entire way. He still feels the burns and cuts on his arms, chest and face from Tabi's strikes. The bruising deciding to make itself known by the numbness hidden via his bangs on the left side of his face. The wounds just adding on in a pile especially when the reaper decided to stop fucking around and went all in... his body shivers as the pain compounds and the wind from the September season hits him while he sits on the bench waiting for the bus.

"You barely von that, child." a deep, voice spoke.

Garcello looks up and looks intrigued and surprised at who it belonged to.

"Ruv.." He noted looking up from his money and putting it away, quickly.

"You did not expect me?" He noted with a smirk,"Illegal fight, legal fight. I come to all, vatch them. Sarvente spoke of it being good move. I believe her."

The large Russian man walks over and sits down like a neighbor to Garcello on the bus stop. "But, I can go on many years speaking about her." Ruv noted,"Vhat about you, Young Smoke? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Garcello admits,"Just.. didn't expect to get cut and burned alive like I'm a fuckin piece of meat."

"Equalizers are not to be trifled vith. As gang or as fighters in vrestling circuit." Ruv chuckles,"Go to be undefeated, An equalizer gets sent, test you. It is cycle to see if you are actually good or you are veak bitch."

"Well, was i actually good?" Garcello laughs wryly,"Cause i feel like shit."

"No, you vere lucky, you use your strength. You are shit, but vorkable shit. Trainable." Ruv critiques as he takes out his vodka flask from his jacket. "So.. you're going to train me?" Garcello asked looking up as Ruv drinks. "Vin against Agoti or Vhitty." He directs looking to Garcello stoically,"Then I teach you. I vant to see if your are vorth time."Ruv takes another drink from his flask. Garcello takes out one of his cigarettes and lights it. A green light illuminates at the end as he inhales, steam and smoke coalesces and flares outward into a glowing green, mist smoke hybrid. "I see." He nods once,"And if I am worth your time?" "I train you.break you, see vhat you.. really are. Then ve progress from there." Ruv stated looking to Garcello with his lone, glossy eye. Almost seeming to look through Garcello and into him.Garcello shivers looking back. Friend? Enemy? "I see." He gets up as the bus is rolling up."Well for now.. I'm gonna get dinner and go home. Thanks for checking up on me." "Anytime. I do not like promising student, be jumped by Equalizer scum." Ruv chuckles with a grin. Garcello pales a bit, "Uh... what?" Ruv looks to the fellow titan with an incredulous stare,"You scraped out vin, but you also humiliated Tabi. Young Reaper vill vant revenge..." The Russian raises an eyebrow,"You did not expect that?" "But you beat some of the Equalizer's asses and you didn't get jumped!" Garcello points out as the whir of steam leaving the bus' brakes occurs and the door's open. "That is because of grace of God and grace of throwing truck across street." Ruv laughs wryly,"Now go, child. Before you are stuck here." Garcello waves Ruv off before getting on the bus and using his bus card. A satisfied beep of payment as he moves. Knowing the timer, he sits down quickly before the bus moves with a hiss of the breaks lifting from the ground and the bus hovers, flying down the roads and over ground locked travel.He looks out the window at the night sky and at the many lights below of Funk City. Advertisements, cars, city signs, street lights. Garcello lets his mind wander at the light pollution and the sound of hover cars flying by. Its mesmerizing. Watching everything just fly, zip, and zop by. Time could pass as the colors of the city and the energy takes him in. The concept when he was young had never gotten old or changed. The colors of the world, the lifeblood of the people moving, growing and just living. This is why he and his mother had migrated here. Such a decision had to be lived through not just decided on a whim. But this.. This wholesome peace and tranquility at this time. Away from the violence, the darkness and the weight of it all... Was a very big deciding factor. "One day... they will be able to feel this way.." Garcello resolves quietly as he looks down through the window to the city below. "Feel so.. free..." He coos starting to let the pain and tiredness get to him. Starting to fall asleep on the bus and get complacent in his space... until a growling, gurgling reminder makes itself painfully known in his core. The tender flesh of wounds on his abdomen only make it worse. His body went through hell.

It wants food, it needs it. He needs it. NOW. "First.... step... free myself." he grumbles softly as pain burns in his core and it forces him out of falling asleep and dragging on. Sitting up properly and starting to search for a close enough bus stop so he doesn't just add more suffering with a long as fuck walk that only lengthens the burning. Finding one, he pulls on the wire that signals the automated system to stop. The bus stops after a bit before landing with the soft 'woosh' of steam. Getting off the bus, he walks down the streets. Looking up to keep track of his own placement on the road, looking down to light a cigarette to ease some of the pain, looking back up now to search for those heavenly golden arches. After a minute, 6 cigarettes later.. the yellow and red light beams down upon his form. At this point, a soft, barely noticeable film of red covers everything and everyone that walks by and every sensation, smell and taste is heightened. Painfully so. "Finally..." he exhales, dry air hitting a watering, near drooling maw. He walks into the restaurant with a dragging motion of his feet. Garcello looms over to the counter with barely any real patience. People move away and those that don't, go quickly about their order then move. "Hi." he stated, "I would like.. the whole left menu. Twice. Add 6 McChicken meals. Super size it..." "I-is that-that all sir?" A timid female voice asked quietly. "Yes.." he confirms. Not really looking up. "It's going to be disc-discounted. Y-you don't mind right?" She asked.As she asks that, the red film sight as it was dies down a bit. Garcello looks up from the counter. There is only one person that ever asks about discounts in his mind. He looks at the attendant at the counter and sees the fuchsia and sky blue eyes looking up and right back at him from her gaunt, modest face and shivering, small frame. "Rebecca? What are you doin' here?!" He asked actually in shock. "Um.. well.." she shrugs,"I work here. Y/N got me the job, t-they're the manager." Garcello looks on in shock. He tilts his head back with an incredulous stare. Looking for you and seeing you wave a short, polite wave as you're working with the drive through attendants to ensure chaos is handled. Garcello looks back to Rebecca. "Don’t give me a discount girl just charge me normally. I'll treat ya." He says softly. "A-are you su-sure?" "Entirely." He nods handing over 80 dollars. "You were c-close but a bit over. Your price is 72 dollars and 12 cents." "I know." He nods,"Tips. Put the change in your pocket." Rebecca looks sheepish, looking down and shivering."B-but.." "Do it." He commands sternly. Rebecca takes the money, makes exact change and keeps it immediately. Every motion is fast and shaky like an unstable roller-coaster. "T-thanks..." she murmurs shyly poking her fingers together. "When are you two off?" He asked. "In.. 30 mins.." Rebecca looks up at Garcello. Her eyes narrow and she grimaces.."I'll get an ice baggy.. and. I'm going to be frank... I have questions. And if i have questions.. Y/N is going to want answers..." Garcello grinds his teeth,"Alright. I'll wait and we'll talk." Rebecca purses her lips then exhales,"Thank you." Garcello leaves from the counter and to one of the large benches at the furthest back of the restaurant and waits. Waiting, letting time pass as he patiently sits. His core burning with hunger and primal thoughts when the mental shock subsides. The herd is curious.. tell them. "I.. don’t want them in danger..." Lies are over... tell them something... they worry. They fear. "Garcello? Are you good?" You asked concerned, "Rebecca told me about.-" "The bruise on my face. I know." Garcello says as Rebecca comes over with the food trays. "Ice bag, 3 o clock?" Rebecca offers the baggie of ice. Garcello looks to it then takes the bag, wiggles up his cap and bangs, revealing the recently closed gashes, burns and cuts on his chin and face. Your eyes widen from the sight, brow furrowing in concern. "What h-happened?" Rebecca says before you do. You see Garcello is staring at the food, half listening. Mostly tired, dragging on fumes really. "No." You say then look to Garcello,"We talk. After you finish eating. Got it?" "Yes'm" Garcello nods once then finally let's his brain drop being alert.Rebecca looks to you with concern, she shakes more from anxiety. "Oh.. don't worry I know." Your reassure,"But overwhelming him is the last thing on my mind. I don't think this is a simple little 'fall' like last time anyway." "You want to h-hear it fro-from his mouth." You nod once and sit down before looking to Rebecca, she nods once with a small smile. "Both of us are signed out, we wont get in trouble with higher ups for over time."She confirms just before- CRUNCH! TEAAAR! SHHRRIIP! Garcello eats like they aren't there, there is no smacking noise. Just an absence of control from tiredness and physically going through hell. Hes going through hoops with food like a functioning sponge with water, trying to replenish what was forcefully squeezed out of him. Rebecca looks to you. "I.. haven't seen him like this.. or well this bad.. Do you think hes..." "I think so." you confirm," Maybe on drugs. But regardless of whatever it is... This cant be swept under the rug. Did you call Annie?" "I-I did." Rebecca nods,"She's coming as fast as possible. I warned her to not run red lights. I was promptly cursed out in German. I responded. She hung up knowing I was right." Garcello stops eating into his 6th McChicken. The man didn't unwrap the wrapper off, the whole ass sandwich is just getting murdered with his teeth. The devouring however stops short at the mention of Annie. With bloodshot eyes, he looks to Rebecca and you. "You.. are all going to be here?" he asked and you shake your head no. "No." You respond,"But. I'm happy you have a brain in there again. Because like it or not.. you're going to tell us what we need to know." Garcello pales in the face for a moment like he saw a ghost, his heart races in terror. His pupils contract as he knows hes cornered now. There is no wiggling out like before.

"We aren't g-going to hurt you, big guy." Rebecca coos softly. "I.. i know its jus'..." Garcello starts but its hard to put words together. "You know you can't bullshit us anymore." You finish looking at the man directly in his face. Garcello looks away looking down at the scraps of paper, unwrapped or just ripped apart making a mess on the table. "Yeah.. I cant." he confirms as Annie rampages in like a crashing tsunami and yells just as loud, scaring customers out of the restaurant. "NOW WHOMST THE FUCK JUMPED GARCELLO?! I'M ABOUT TO FUCKING BEAT THEIR SHIT IN!" Annie yells, her flesh is tinting blue from the glowing blue of her veins spidering from her skin. A sign of her stress before she drinks ‘the liquid’. "You bout to calm so i can explain." Garcello says strictly, unafraid as he’s been used to seeing the entity pour our from her veins and skin. He’s more than used to being attacked as he knows it doesn't like him. But for now it has no power here. Just like his other half. "Then talk." You egg on, as Annie takes a few breathes, grabs a chair and sits in it, the back of the chair acing the table."We're all listening." Garcello bites his lips. His S/O and his best friends, the core of the herd, his herd... now are looking at him like hes wounded. Doesn't help that he is on the outside and inside... ‘Now you gone and done it, Garcy.. but now.. what do you do now?’ He asks himself in his thoughts as he takes a deep breath in. Act as you are, You are alpha. Time to be a man.

#fnf fanart #reader insert #fnf au #scifi #let-love-run-red #fantasy #fnf garcello

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noona-clock · 4 years

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The Demon 👿 Zombie

Genre: Office!AU

Pairing: Jae x You

Warnings: Some Emotional Angst

Words: 2,342

Day and Night 👿 Zombie 👿 Tick Tock 👿 Love me or Leave me 👿 STOP 👿 1 to 10 👿 Afraid

Breathin’ but I’ve been dyin’ inside Nothin’ new and nothin’ feels right Deja vu so I close my eyes Let the demon sing me a lullaby

Today’s a present that I don’t want So I’m wonderin’ in this world Am I really the only one Who’s been wantin’ to hide out from the sun And run

You immediately let out a whining groan when you heard your morning alarm pierce through the air.

You knew you should be thankful you had a steady, well-paying job. You should be grateful you could keep a roof over your head and food on your table.

But, good grief, you just didn’t like it. You didn’t hate it, but you sure didn’t love it. It was a fine job. Mediocre, at best. You just had trouble mustering up any positive energy whatsoever when it came to getting up and going to work.

Once you actually got to work... Well, to be honest, it wasn’t much better. You trudged through each workday because you had to, not because you wanted to. You simply went through the motions every day, like a robot on autopilot.

You know that song that’s like “Everybody’s workin’ for the weekend’?

You were convinced that song was written about you. Friday evening was your absolute favorite thing in the entire world.

And Sunday evening was your absolute least favorite thing in the entire world.

Up until just recently, you’d been able to make it through each day, each week. It wasn’t pleasant, but you did it.

For the past few weeks, though, you’d felt the dark unhappiness creeping into your brain. It was getting more and more difficult to force yourself to get out of bed and head into the office. So much so that you were on the verge of taking some time off. It sounded more than heavenly to just be able to stay in bed and laze around all day -- hole yourself up and do anything but go to work.

When we live a life Always dreamin’ for a dream to come true So I live this life Wanting somethin’ I can’t see And something I can’t reach Or somethin’ that could not exist

To be honest, one of the only things keeping you going right now was your co-worker, Jae.

The two of you had started this job at just about the same time, so the newbie status instantly pulled you together. The fact Jae could successfully distract you with both memes and profound thoughts at the same time was what kept you together.

Whenever you needed to rant about another co-worker or a client, Jae was there. Whenever you needed to get out of the office for lunch and satisfy your craving for fast food, Jae was there. Whenever you needed to relieve boredom or waste time -- you guessed it. Jae was there.

He was basically one of the only reasons you continued working this job, and you liked to think he felt the same way about you.

After reaching over to pick up your phone and turning your alarm off, your whining groan turned into a weary sigh. Normally -- as in, before your jaded attitude about your job had set in -- you would turn off your alarm and almost immediately get out of bed. Now, however -- and especially more recently -- you found you had to scroll through your overnight notifications on your phone before you could even think about getting up.

And that’s exactly what you did today.

Your eyes scanned all of the alerts you’d received, stopping when you noticed one of them was a text message from Jae. Unsurprisingly, he’d sent it way after you’d gone to sleep, knowing you wouldn’t see it until you’d woken up this morning.

Just two more alarms for the week, dude. You got this.

You really weren’t sure why because it was literally just a text message, but... reading Jae’s words actually helped you get out of bed. Maybe it was the fact you knew someone at work was on your side, or maybe it was the fact someone else understood how difficult it could be... or maybe it was a reason you truly couldn’t understand.

Either way, you quickly typed out a reply (‘WE got this, bro!! See you soon!’) and then swung your legs over the side your bed.

I feel like I became a zombie Not alive but I’m still walkin’ When the sunrise is upon me I’ll be waitin’ for the day to pass by Oh why

I became a zombie And there’s nothing that can cure me So tomorrow I know I’ll be Just the same, you’ll see me Wishin’ to stop and close my eyes

Unfortunately, Jae’s text message only gave you enough positive energy to get through your morning routine. As soon as you stepped outside and headed toward the bus stop, you turned into the robot on autopilot again, simply going through the motions of getting to work.

You got on the bus, swiped your pass, sat down, stared out the window as it began to roll deeper into the city.

It was times like these when you found yourself zoning out entirely, thinking of everything and nothing at the same time.

Your gaze became focused on the sunrise peeking through in-between the buildings, and your mind became unfocused on just about everything. And it was usually during your morning bus ride when you felt the most like a zombie -- half-alive. Or, rather, physically alive but emotionally... not alive. Probably because you knew the day was just beginning, and you had so many hours ahead of you to get through.

You closed your eyes, tilting your head and pressing your temple to the cool glass of the window.

Just before you were going to let out a deep but silent sigh, you felt your phone vibrate inside your bag.

With a small jump, you opened your eyes, sat back up, and reached in to see what the notification was.

A small smile crept onto your lips when you saw Jae had texted you again.

B R O. I need COFFEE. Want anything?

Soy hazelnut latte maybe?

What about food? You can treat me to lunch later as a thank you.

LOL okay deal. Everything bagel plz!!!! You’re the best!!!!

You would say one thing: it was definitely easier to get through the morning with some caffeine and some food. Hopefully, you would feel more like a person after you got some breakfast in you.

Yeah this is my life Always dreamin’ for a dream to come true This meaningless life Wanting somethin’ I can’t see And something I can’t reach Or somethin’ that could not exist

No more of this I wanna cry Dried out but feel like I should cry Tell the world that I’m still here tonight Oh oh

Besides the very end of your shift, lunchtime was your favorite part of the day. You especially enjoyed it when you got to eat with Jae, and even moreso when you ate out at a restaurant -- I mean, if you classify McDonald’s as a restaurant. Which you totally did.

Since Jae had so graciously provided breakfast for you this morning, you followed up with your promise to treat him to lunch. He had announced that he was craving a McChicken sandwich, so here you were sitting in a booth at the McDonald’s across the street from the building.

And, apparently, you were sitting in the booth more listlessly than you realized because as you were swirling some fries around in your ketchup, Jae kicked you gently under the table.

“Yo, what’s up?” he asked. “You okay?”

You blinked rapidly, shifting your gaze to look at Jae across from you. “Hmm?” you hummed. “Oh, I -- have you ever felt like your life is basically meaningless?”

...Had you meant for such a profound question to come out of your mouth?

No.

But there was no taking it back now.

Jae practically choked on his McChicken, his eyes widening and his brow furrowing deeply. “Say what now?”

You shifted awkwardly in your seat before replying, “Never mind.”

“No, no, no -- meaningless? Is that how you feel? Like your life is meaningless?”

“...Kind of?”

Jae’s forehead wrinkled even more, and he leaned forward closer to you. “Dude, that’s not true at all,” he said quietly and with the most sincere tone. So sincere it almost made your heart break. “Why -- I mean, why do you...?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “I just feel like... every day is a chore to get through. I’m just waking up and going to work and going home. I don’t feel like I’m actually... doing anything. And like there’s no end in sight.”

Jae let out a soft sigh and set down his sandwich before folding his arms on top of the table. “I mean... I knew you didn’t like this job, but I didn’t realize it was that bad.”

To be honest, neither had you. Not until just now. You’d known you weren’t particularly happy, but you hadn’t truly understood just how unhappy you were.

“...Yeah, I guess it is,” you murmured.

“So... find a new job.”

You automatically let out a breathless chuckle and shook your head. “Like it’s that easy.”

“Listen,” Jae began. “I don’t want you to find another job. For my own selfish reasons, I don’t want you to leave because you’re definitely my favorite part of work. But... dude, if you’re that unhappy, you have to leave.”

You didn’t answer him right away; you simply bit the inside of your cheek and gazed at your food.

“I have friends with all kinds of jobs,” he continued. “I could ask around and see if they can help. You’re smart as hell, I know there are plenty of jobs out there you would be so good at.”

His words -- and his earnest tone -- made your throat tighten with emotion and your eyes fill slightly with tears. “Really?” you choked out. “You would help me like that?”

When you finally looked up at him, you anticipated his expression to be one of ‘You’re kidding me, right? Of course, I would help you like that.’

Instead, his expression said something more like... Well, you weren’t sure what. The best way you could describe it was... shy.

“Well... yeah,” he mumbled. “I... I just want you to be happy.”

I feel like I became a zombie Not alive but I’m still walkin’ When the sunrise is upon me I’ll be waitin’ for the day to pass by Oh why

I became a zombie And there’s nothing that can cure me So tomorrow I know I’ll be Just the same you’ll see me Wishin’ to stop and close my eyes

Unfortunately, no matter how badly you wished for more time, your lunch break was only an hour long.

Jae had double-checked that you were all right before the two of you went back into your office building, and he even sent you messages here and there throughout the day -- including one informing you that he had texted all of his close friends about job openings, and he already had some good leads for you.

At this point, though, you didn’t really want to get your hopes up.

Jae typically didn’t leave at the same time as you because he preferred to finish everything he’d started that day; you were the type to leave right when the clock struck 5 and not a minute later, so unless Jae finished early for the day, the two of you never walked out of the office together.

But Jae must have finished early for the day because the two of you walked out of the office together.

As soon as you stepped out of the building, Jae nudged you gently with his elbow. “So, are you gonna quit?” he asked quietly.

“Well, not right now,” you replied. “I still need to pay my bills.”

“Yeah, but -- if one of my friends can get you an interview, will you go to it?”

“I -- I mean, I guess so!”

To be honest, you wanted to leave this job, but... change was really scary. Starting all over at a new place, getting to know new people, getting used to a new schedule? It didn’t sound inviting.

But, then again, neither did keeping on with your current situation.

“I promise,” Jae said with raised eyebrows. “I will help you get out of here.”

You had to stop walking at that.

Your brow furrowed as Jae suddenly stopped, too, turning to face you.

“...What?” he asked.

“Why are you so determined to help me find a new job?” you asked, though there was absolutely nothing accusatory about your words. You were just... curious. I mean, it’s not like you and Jae were extremely close. You were best work friends, for sure, but you hadn’t hung out a whole lot outside of work.

Again, Jae’s expression turned shy the same way it had during your lunch conversation.

“I just...” he began, but then he let out a sigh and brought one hand up to rub the bridge of his nose.

...And then it dawned on you.

Out of the blue.

The realization hit you like a ton of bricks that you had only stayed here because of Jae.

He wasn’t just one of the reasons you could manage to keep going. One of the only things you liked about your job.

He was the only reason. The only thing.

You were so hesitant to get another job because you knew you wouldn’t get to see him everyday, and seeing him everyday was the one thing in your life that actually made you genuinely happy.

Before he could continue on with his thought, you stepped up to him. You slid your arms around his middle and circled your arms as tightly as you could and pressed your cheek to his chest.

“Whoa,” he muttered, but he didn’t leave enough time for you to start second-guessing yourself because he almost immediately returned your embrace.

“I don’t --” he mumbled. “I don’t want you to leave because not seeing you everyday would... suck. But I don’t think I can keep seeing you everyday knowing that you hate it.”

You simply shut your eyes tightly, nuzzling your cheek against the silk fabric of his tie.

“I can’t see you everyday knowing that you’re -- you’re a working zombie or something. So... please. Please say you’ll leave.”

“I will,” you murmured. Because even though Jae made you happy... it wasn’t enough. You couldn’t continue to rely on him to get you through the day; it wouldn’t be fair to either of you.

“But...” Jae added, his voice quieter and a bit more shaky. “Please say... you won’t leave me.”

Your lips curved into a wide grin at his words. He was hugging you back, yes, but you still hadn’t been certain that he felt the same way as you did right now.

But now you knew.

“I won’t,” you assured him, squeezing him even tighter.

And for the first time in a long time, you felt a glimmer of... Well, you weren’t quite sure. Hope? Happiness? Love? Or maybe just... different?

After living your life in the same way day after day, week after week, month after month... something different had happened.

So, I guess the best way to put it was for the first time in a long time, you felt that tomorrow could actually be different.

And that was all you needed.

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amitojo · 4 years

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What inspired me to turn vegan

In July 2018, I made a choice to turn Vegan; and no, the food in “featured image” is not vegan, it was one of the first meals I had in Kenya — JusClarifyin

This choice was out of the blue. I couldn’t even imagine myself being a vegetarian, let alone vegan.

I did try to turn vegetarian once when I was in college (around 2011). I don’t recall the reason but I did decide on that. One day into my decision of being a vegetarian, I went to McDonald’s and had a McChicken 🤦‍♂️ without even remotely being present to the promise I made to myself just the other day. It only lasted for one day! 😂. After that meal, I gave up on the idea of turning a vegetarian. I mean, I couldn’t even remember it for one day! It just wasn’t that important to me I guess.

My eating habits resumed to its usual after that 1-day episode — having non-vegetarian at least once a day.

Fast forward to July 2018, I went for a family trip to Kenya and nothing was the same.

We traveled to Nairobi, Mombasa, and Nakruru. We visited Masai Mara National Reserve and Lake Nakruru National Park in Nairobi and Nakruru respectively, and in Mombasa, we enjoyed some peaceful time at the beach. It was just beautiful!

Attaching some pictures I took during the trip. Some of the best pictures I have ever clicked were from this trip but unfortunately, I lost those due to hard-drive failure 🤦‍♂️. Managed to recover only a few 😢 — Ensure you have your data backed up. Extremely important!

Anyway, we spent a total of 5-6 days going on safaris and witnessing the beauty and sheer vastness of nature, and various animals including the “Big Five” – Lion, Leopard, Rhino, Elephant and African Buffalo.

I remember just observing all the animals, some from afar, some from real close and I could see Hugo (my dog) in them. The way these animals were being/behaving by themselves and amongst each other, lying around, licking themselves, scratching, yawning, playing with each other; All of this reminded of Hugo. I just wanted to love them and pat them. I was even calling them Hugo! I had never noticed this similarity earlier in my life. We got Hugo in mid-2016 and I just never noticed, not to this effect, at least.

My eating habits during the trip were just as they’d been — preferring non-vegetarian food in all courses (tried some new meats) and occasionally a pint or two of their local beer – Tusker

Anyway, the trip ended and we came home having had an amazing time and lots of memories to cherish.

As we entered our home, we met Hugo and I’m sure you can imagine the reception! In my experience, I don’t think any human can match the way dogs welcome and greet their fellow humans.

Hugo slept in my room that night (he usually doesn’t sleep in my room) and I was just loving him, telling him I met his friends there and how much I missed him.

Later that night, I was just laying in bed and recollecting what all I’d experienced during the trip, going through memories, photos, etc. I could hear a buzzing noise around me and I noticed a mosquito. I was contemplating if I should kill it or not. Usually, I don’t like to kill insects. The very thought of it grosses me out. Yes, I have killed them 🤮 out of necessity but I try to not do it as much as possible. That’s when I started thinking about my eating habits. I was reminded of all the animals I saw and how I was in awe of them. How I was loving them as if they were Hugo. I got present to how we are all made up of the same energy, part of the same ecosystem, and I thought to myself, here I am grossed out at the thought of killing an insect and on the other hand I eat dead animals? That thought didn’t sit well in my mind. I saw myself as a hypocrite where on one hand I was being extremely thoughtful for one form of life and, on the other hand, I was not being thoughtful at all for the other form. All forms of life are life at the end of the day and ideally, I don’t want to take away someone else’s life. Who am I to decide which life is more valuable or who should continue to survive and who not. I guess It was easier for me to eat meat because I wasn’t the one doing all the killing? I knew I would never even think of eating Hugo or any other dog for that matter, so why do I eat other animals, I asked myself. All animals are the same. In that moment, something shifted inside me and I made an immediate choice to turn vegan.

I was up for the better part of the night that night researching about veganism, what is it to be vegan, what all I can eat, and so on.

That day/night, a whole new world opened up for me. The first thing I learnt was that veganism is not just a diet, it is a lifestyle. Diet is one part of it.

“Veganism is a way of living which seeks to exclude—as far as is possible and practicable—all forms of exploitation of, and cruelty to, animals for food, clothing or any other purpose; and by extension, promotes the development and use of animal-free alternatives for the benefit of animals, humans and the environment. In dietary terms it denotes the practice of dispensing with all products derived wholly or partly from animals.” https://www.vegansociety.com/go-vegan/definition-veganism

Its been almost 2 years now since I made that choice and I have to say, I feel great on so many levels. I still am in transition, it is a journey. However much I love this philosophy, I can’t turn my whole life around so soon.

I used to 80/20 rule to prioritize my habits. First I attacked my diet and I am on about 90% vegan diet now. Indian home food is pretty much vegan if we take out dairy and meat, and believe me, there are A LOT of options. When meat was my first preference, I didn’t realise there are SO many options in vegetarian food. It’s funny, how people think going vegan would reduce their choice of food (or at least I thought so) but honestly, I think I have more options now than I had when I was a non-vegetarian. Earlier, I used to eat chicken every day in some form or the other but chicken nonetheless. Now, I have so many distinct choices of food.

I still seldomly consume some butter, mayo or other dressings when I go out to eat but that is changing thanks to the growing awareness on the topic, there are various places that serve amazing vegan food options and that number is on the rise.

I have to admit, at first I did miss eating meat, at least at social gatherings/weddings where I could see and smell non-vegetarian food around me. My taste buds really craved for that but it was shortlived. At such times, I was reminded of why I made this choice and honestly, that “why” is too big for me to slip. [Bigger the why, easier the how!]

Being a vegan, like anything is a matter of habit. Initially one might have to be vigilant/conscious about their choices but once the habit is formed, it is a routine — it is on autopilot.

Each day I am being more conscious of my buying decisions, for example, I check the ingredients before I buy packaged food; I ask the waiter what all is in the dish that I plan to order, I read labels on clothing to see what they’re made of, etc.

Initially, a lot of my family members asked me — why no dairy? dairy is fine; or why vegan? vegetarian is fine, and so on — And for that, and for anyone who is inspired to take on a vegan lifestyle or is at least intrigued, I am listing down a bunch of links that helped me become aware of veganism, its benefits (360º), what all we can consume, and the condition of the dairy and meat industry. If you say you love animals, just like I do, you won’t like what you see/read about the meat and dairy industry.

Bigger picture — choosing not to consume animal products doesn’t only benefit those animals, it also helps reduce carbon footprint. You can read detailed benefits, from various perspectives, of being a vegan here: https://www.vegan.com/why/

A detailed list of vegan foods along with suggested substitutes: https://ordinaryvegan.net/vegangrocerylist/

Learn what all food/products are vegan: https://www.vegan.com/foods/

—

In my previous post, I mentioned how Hugo has impacted my life. This post also comes under that category. Hugo has made me and continues to inspire me to be a better person. I will be sharing another insight I learnt from him in the next post. Till then you can read the first post of this series here: A conversation with my dog that changed my life forever!

Lastly, thank you so much for reading till the end! I hope this added value 🙂

If you liked the pictures, you can follow my photography page “MentalPictures” here:https://instagram.com/pictures_mental

#vegan #vegan life #non veg #non vegetarian #vegeterian #diet #plant based diet #food #health #lifestyle #travel #animals #nature #kenya #nairobi #mombasa #nakruru #masai mara #lake #beach #ocean

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golbrocklovely · 5 years

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only the lonely survive // colby brock - chapter six: don’t forget to take a breath

A/N: haven’t updated in a couple days, sorry about that. while i was away, I actually started writing a new fanfiction ;) nothing like this one. a little more thrillery and spooky. i’ll post more about it later. nonetheless, please enjoy this chapter and lmk what you think. if you want to join the taglist, hmu :) <3

description of the story

taglist: @ajosieface , @localsleeper , @julyrubyrose

trigger warning: swearing, talks of rejection

word count: 1729

DAY 3/14

"Do you actually like Beetlejuice?" Colby asked, stuffing a bunch of fries into his mouth.

"Yes! It is one of my favorite movies. Hands down the best Tim Burton movie to me." I replied, taking a bite out of my McChicken sandwich.

"What about Corpse Bride, or Nightmare Before Christmas?" He questioned.

I shrugged, "Irrelevant."

He rolled his eyes jokingly and took a sip from his drink.

Colby and I sat in the parking lot of McDonalds eating our food in Colby's car, barely lit up by the sign of the golden M and the tiny overhead light. I sat crisscrossed, facing Colby. He had his body turned towards me.

"You know, I could have paid for my meal." I insisted, looking up at him.

He swatted his hand towards me, "It's no big deal. Your meal was like under five bucks."

"Well, thanks again. But I'm paying next time." I stated.

"There's gonna be a next time?" He smirked.

I sighed, "Why do you insist on teasing me?"

"Because you look cute annoyed." He said, biting his burger.

I blushed lightly. I'm happy the car is too dark for him to see.

"Anyway," I continued. "What's your favorite movie?"

"I like Scott Pilgrim Versus the World." He nodded.

I nodded back, "Good choice."

He dipped his fries into ketchup, "What's your favorite song at the moment? Or is it the one that you sang today?"

I thought for a moment. "I do love that song, but it's not my favorite right now. I think my favorite at the moment is an old song... Stars by Switchfoot."

"Never heard of it." He replied, wiping his hands on a napkin.

I gasped, "My dude, it is so good. Seriously, I think you would like it."

He giggled, smiling lightly. "Okay, I'll have to listen to it. Do you have a favorite band?"

"I do. You won't believe what band it is." I smirked, taking another bite of my sandwich.

"Um... yeah, I have no idea. Is it a weird band?" He asked, twisting his face.

"It is. You may or may not have heard of them. I mean, you do have a cardboard cut out of one of their members." I hinted, only glancing at Colby for a moment.

He raised his eyebrows, surprised, "Your favorite band is the Jonas Brothers?"

I nodded enthusiastically. "You have no idea how much I love them!"

"Is your favorite song by them Burning Up?" He teased, grabbing the last of his fries and shoveling them into his mouth.

I sighed, immediately annoyed. "Fuck no. That song is good, don't get me wrong, but only locals like that song."

"Locals?" He questioned.

"I don't know, it's what twitter stans use to basically call someone a fake fan. Nonetheless, my favorite song from them is called Take A Breath." I said, putting my trash into the leftover McDonalds bag.

"Play it for me." He replied, handing me his phone that was connected to the aux chord.

"Really? You want to listen to the Jonas Brothers with me?" I asked, almost whispering.

"Sure. Play the other songs you mentioned too. I want to get to know your music taste." He informed, starting the car and putting his seatbelt on.

I repeated his actions, and then opened Spotify on his phone, I made a small playlist of a couple songs I had mentioned to him. The first one being Take A Breath.

The whole ride to his house, I tried not to be too loud of a singer - just kind of mumbling through each song. It was late and I didn't really feel like belting out at 1:47 in the morning.

After a couple songs played, we arrived at his house. Pulling up to the gate, he clicked a button on his key ring, and the gate opened. He drove forward, parking the car and turning it off.

The Trap House looked a bit eerie, all the lights being off except for the light outside. We got out of his car and walked to the front door. He unlocked and opened it for me. I walked in to only the hallway light on.

"Everyone's asleep so we have to be a bit quiet." He stated quietly, while we walked up the stairs.

We went to his room, the door already opened. A redish glow light illuminated the room. I looked around his room. It was so weird to see it in person. It was a bit messy, but not too bad. A pile of clothes laid on his couch. A few post-it notes on the floor, most likely fallen from the walls covered in them.

"Ignore the clothes on the couch. They're clean, I just haven't put them away yet." He admitted, taking his shoes off and shutting the door lightly.

I sat down next to the clothes pile on the couch. He walked over to his desk and emptied his pockets. He then sat down on his bed. It was quiet for a moment.

Oh my God Skye, say something!

"So... what do you want to talk about?" I asked, look over at Colby.

"I-uh don't really know, to be honest." He replied, shrugging his shoulders lightly.

"We could always play twenty-one questions, just to get to know each other better." I stated.

He smiled. "Do people actually play that game or is that just in the movies?"

"Is that your first question?" I sassed.

He snickered. "Of course not."

"Well ask me something. Anything you like to know. I'm an open book." I said, stretching out my body and throwing my hands behind my head.

Colby shrugged. "Okay then, um... what is your favorite animal?"

"Ooh Corgis! Or like a baby hippo. I just connect with those animals on a spiritual level." I laughed.

He chuckled, "Why?"

"Because I'm stubby like a corgi and big like a baby hippo." I smiled.

Colby nodded his head, "Corgis are really stubby."

"It's honestly a shame for them. Should I ask you a question now?" I cocked my head to the side.

"Yeah, go ahead." He replied.

"Uh... chocolate or vanilla?" I asked.

He stretched out a bit, getting comfortable, "Chocolate. 100%. Favorite holiday?"

"Halloween. Favorite color?"

"Blue. Beach or woods?"

I sighed, pursing my lips, "I like both, if I'm honest. I would choose a forest, but bugs are a thing and I despise bugs, so I guess a beach."

"I'm more of a beach person." He stated.

"I've haven't been to the beach since I was like five." I admitted.

He sat up, "What? How? You live on the east coast."

"So? I live a couple hours away from the shore. It's not worth travelling through New Jersey to get to a beach that's always crowded." I complained.

"I guess so. But you must go to the beach while you're out here though." He insisted, grabbing a water bottle off his desk and taking a sip.

"I'll try. I can't make any promises." I answered.

"I haven't been to the beach in a while. Maybe a bunch of us can go together." He shrugged, smiling.

I smiled back, "That sounds fun."

We kept talking, learning all the little things about each other. It felt like we had asked all the basic questions. I wanted to take the next step, ask something deeper than favorite color and fast food places.

"Ask me a crazy question. Like, seriously anything. Something you probably wouldn't ask a stranger, but I'm giving you free range to do so." I insisted, standing up and going over to a section of post it notes on his wall. Some had random messages and little doodles, some were blank.

"Okay then. What's your biggest regret in life?" He turned his body towards me, his one leg dangling off the bed.

I hummed. "I don't have too many regrets. Maybe just one though."

"What is it then?"

I turned around to him. "There was this boy in high school. I met him my freshman year, became friends with him, and loved him until the day we graduated. I never told him how I felt."

"Why?" He whispered.

I chuckled sadly. "Because rejection is a bitch and I was too scared to admit it to him. Plus, he always had a girlfriend or if he didn't have one, he was chasing after my best friend at the time."

Colby scoffed. "Wow, he seems like a catch."

"Well, he didn't exactly know I loved him. I kept my feelings pretty hidden." I slowly moved towards the bed.

"Do you wish you guys dated?" He replied.

"Yes and no." I sat down, crossing my legs, "I wanted to be with him so badly, but I realized our senior year that we were never meant to be. Like, it was a real gut feeling that came to me randomly. Like, even if I would have admitted my feelings for him, it wouldn't have changed our relationship, I don't think. We just weren't meant to be together at that time."

His eyes met mine. "Do you still have feelings for him?"

I shook my head, "No. I haven't thought about him in years honestly. I don't really regret what I did and didn't do with him. I'm just more curious as to what our outcome would have been if I would have said something."

Colby looked at me and nodded his head lightly.

"Can I ask you something and you have to be honest with me?" I mumbled.

He squinted his eyes at me, smiling, "Yes?"

"Tell me about your first serious girlfriend. You don't have to say her name, or how old you were, just tell me about her." I stated.

He sighed, lightly playing with the rings on his fingers. "I don't know..."

Shit Skye, you fucked it up.

"If you don't feel comfortable, you don't have to tell me. I'm sorr-" I started.

He cut me off, "No, don't apologize." He paused for a moment, "I'll tell you. But I have to ask you something beforehand."

"Okay." I uttered.

He grabbed a pillow and pulled it into his lap, hugging it slightly. "Do you think it's weird... that I've only ever had one serious girlfriend? Be honest."

I glanced up, looking into his eyes, "Of course not. I've only ever had one boyfriend."

He nodded. "Okay then."

<< CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 7 >>

#colby brock #colby brock x oc #colby brock fanfic #colby brock fanfiction #colby brock fluff #colby brock story #colby brock fic #only the lonely survive

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the-seventh-mile · 4 years

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Where do you even start a journey like this one? I’m a big fan of reflecting, often remembering chapters in my life and how they connect to who I am now. One memory that finds itself playing on a reel in my mind was of one of the houses that we lived in growing up. It was on the corner of a busy intersection directly behind a McDonalds. My sister and I used to rummage around the house looking for quarters and dimes to fill our little pockets with. We’d walk over to the McDonalds to get as many McChickens as our sweaty little fist fulls of coins would allow, and we eat them all before our mother got home with dinner. Most likely a pizza or Hamburger Helper.

Food was always such a comfort for me. it still is. There is a euphoria with food that noting else can touch. and it’s legal. you can get it from the comfort of your car window. you can have it delivered to your house. you can eat in your car while on the way to dinner and none of your friends know that you’ve already had nearly 2000 calories, and yes you are absolutely going to order dessert.

After food, I discovered alcohol. what a treat. The best treat about alcohol is how much better it made food taste. So I’d get my free beer after work. pay for a second. and go home to enjoy another in bed. Before likely getting up and making whatever snack i could conjur up with the ingredients in my kitchen.

The day after Thanksgiving I woke up differently. The woman who I’d been seeing off and on, had tied up our four year relationship with meeting someone new on tinder. After months and months of begging me to trust her and let her in and allow her the space to prove to me that we should be together. After four years of cheating, manipulating, lying. I was in a place where looking at her disgusted me, hearing from her annoyed me, touching her was no longer something that i looked foward to. and yet. i couldn’t let her go. And I would date other people and I would keep her there on the back burner. Knowing full well that we didn’t want the same things, and not only that, she wasn’t even good to me. she wasn’t nice or honest. she didn’t have any ambitions. she had this way of going from one extreme to the other within minutes and not having any explanation or care of how that affected me. Like literally kissing me and grabbing my face and telling me she was going to marry me and an hour later telling me that we were just best friends. it was terrible. it was truly the worst feeling. And what became worse, was how every single person in my life would beg me to walk away from her. They’d plead and plead with me to stop letting someone as abusive and manipulative crawl into my beautiful supreme space. casting shadows on my divine light.

What was more strange than that, was the actual logic that this wasn’t something that i wanted. i kept telling myself how obvious it was that this was a good thing. good. move on! you’ve been manipulating me and lying to me for literally four years. but all the logic in the world couldn’t surpass the things my body was feeling because of this. it felt like bricks stacked on my chest. i couldn’t breathe. i couldn’t focus. it was so hard to go to work and be good at my job. to show up in my current relationship that was deserving of that space and time that i was giving a toxic ex lover. i couldn’t sleep at night. i’d lay there wondering how in four years i didn’t deserve the respect that was being shown to this person she met two. fucking. weeks ago.

And that’s when I found it. My power.

I got a gym membership the day after Thanksgiving. Rather than having a drink at work, I’d bring my gym bag with me in the morning, and go after I had clocked off. No questions. My first night back, I found this quiet dark room that they obviously had cycling classes in. It was lined with mirrors, and had about 30 bikes in it. I got on a bike, with the lights off, in a quiet room and after about four minutes decided that was enough. I was pretty embarrassed but felt like I was proud for showing up. I went the next night, and the night after that. I’d wake up with excitement to get my gym bag together for after work. I got a great set of Nikes that made me feel confident in the gym. I went every night that I worked. on my days off, I rest or go on hikes with my girlfriend. She is a pretty experienced hiker and I get tired very quickly. but I haven’t quit. I keep pushing even if it’s really far behind her.

I’ll tell you something wild. I’ve always had partners in the past who felt jealous when I’d get into working out. They’d make me feel bad for getting up and leaving them. coax me to stay in the house and order a pizza. “come on, babe! don’t leave.” “salad again? let’s get burgers. i’ll pay.”

Suddenly I was dating this woman who would tell me how beautiful I was. She’d tell me how she wouldn’t change a thing about me. That every curve on my body was something that turned her on. BUT. If going to the gym made ME FEEL beautiful, she would always encourage me to go. She doesn’t try seeing me on gym nights. she doesn’t feel neglected when I say I can’t meet up after work because I want to go to the gym. She knows that this is important to my. self. worth. and she supports me.

yall. get someone who supports you.

fuck everything else.

I digress. The day after our big hikes, back to work, back to the gym. With the exception of Saturday. Giving me three days off and four days on. So on my 4th night, I’m in the cycling room that originally caught my eye. I had been riding for a little under twenty minutes. I reached 3.8 miles, and abruptly yelled out loud “You’ve got 4 miles in you. I know that you do!” and I got to 4.

The next night I got to 5.

The next night, at 5.5 i felt accomplished enough, but i wanted 6. So I got 6.

My chest throughout the last couple of days has been in genuine pain. I feel so exhausted and restless. I feel so upset with myself for allowing this, I feel so frustrated that I have a beautifully kind person in my life who is deserving, and I was letting someone who had spent 4 years taking advantage of me and using me, affect my mental and physical health. I was upset that no amount of reason or logic could help this.

So, tonight.

I get to the gym. and I’m listening to music. and I’m dancing every time that I get tired or want to give up. I’m cheering myself on and yelling along to Lizzo.

I hit seven. while only adding 3 minutes to my previous time.

and I. just. start sobbing.

I cried so hard that it scared me.

I cried and said out loud “Amber you can do anything that you want. Literally fucking anything.”

I sat on the floor of the cycle room for a few minutes just crying and letting myself finally feel everything that had been storing itself inside my ribcage.

And now laying here in bed afterward. I just know that this is the beginning to something really big. I know that I’m going to be cycling for a long time. I feel like I’m going to be teaching a cycling class in the next year. I feel like my story will empower. I feel like something really bright is on the horizon. And I really wanted to share that with you all from day 1. Keeping it to myself until I’m ready to share my journey.

Here we go, yall.

I’m Amber. And this is a story about how getting to the 7th mile allowed me to fully inhale for the first time in a long time. And what I did about it.

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pleasetakedownthemistleto · 5 years

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After making the post about my Type 1 Diabetes I just thought I’d share this as well! This is from Madeline Milzark on fb, and if you take the time to read this thank you so much <3

“Diabetes isn't your piece of cake, or that super sized McDonald's meal with extra fries, or anything you see coated with sugar. Diabetes is an 18 year old girl sitting on her bathroom floor shaking and not able to breathe because her blood sugar dropped and praying her grandmas phone is near her and she got the text message to bring some sugar since she's too weak to yell and the whole room is spinning. It's a 9 year old boy who is trying to play outside with his friends and ends up being carted away in an ambulance because he went unconscious when he didn't feel his sugar slipping. It's a 32 year old girl who FINALLY got the news that she's pregnant and going to have the family she's always wanted, but instead of celebrating like she should be she's worried to death that her blood sugars won't stay in range with all of the hormones and that it's going to kill her baby before she gets to meet it... and maybe even her. It's a 3 year old who doesn't understand why her mommy has to stab her with a syringe every single time she eats, but not her brother. It's a 4 year old girl that I read about recently who lost her life because a doctor misdiagnosed her diabetes as the flu and she ended up a victim of diabetic ketoacidoses, where your blood literally turns acidic from the lack of insulin in your body and attacks your organs. Diabetes is your mother, your neighbor, your cousin. Diabetes isn't the morbidly obese man you see on tv. It isn't something people ask for or give themselves. It's a disease that isn't picky when it chooses who to attack, it doesn't care if you're 2 months old or if you're 73. It doesn't care if you eat Big Macs and McChickens every day of your life or if you're a strict vegan who goes to the gym daily. Diabetes is me. Diabetes is a whole ton of people who fight for their life every single day and go to bed not sure if they're going to wake up the next morning. So before you tag your huge dessert #Diabetes, think about what #Diabetes really looks like.” - https://www.buzzfeed.com/caitlinjinks/this-teenager-wants-you-to-know-what-diabetes-looks-like

#type 1 diabetes #swiftdisabledselfies

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jackhlland-blog · 6 years

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TELL ME HOW YOUR LOVE LIES — AN INTRODUCTION.

MWAH @ all u gorgeous peeps :”) i’m lucy, i’m 9teen, n i just successfully resisted getting pizza delivered 2 my house so tb h a bitch deserves a standing ovation ..... anymeme i’m finally back from my once in a lifetime excursion outside my bedroom n i’m HYPE 2 start plottin w everyone so w/o further ado here’s wonderwall xxxx

* ☆ ◞ DACRE MONTGOMERY. CISMALE. HE/HIM. ◟ wait, wasn’t that jack holland? they’re a twenty-two year old senior, hailing from portland, maine. i heard they’ve chosen to study business and word around campus is that they’re disciplined & charismaticbut also quite distant & abrasive. you know, that could be why they’re labelled as the runaway. if you happen to see them walking to class with their earbuds in, they’re probably listening to nothing at all by day wave.

jack holland is a dramatique bitch 👀

while his childhood was initially happy, brimming with memories of his parents making him breakfast every morning, playing games with him in the backyard, and letting him eat leftover cake from their tiny restaurant, everything started falling apart when he turned thirteen

both his parents had passed away from a fire at their restaurant, ignited by some jealous competition—while they eventually sent them to jail, they only succeeded in bringing the person who committed the crime behind bars, and not the corporation that had enlisted them for the crime yikes

whatever happened, it effectively left jack an orphan

he was thrown into the foster care system, unable to access the finances his parents left until he was eighteen, and forced to readjust to an unstable and generally unloving environment that stood in stark contrast to how his parents used to make cookies after school and buy him star wars blankets :(

still, he adapted quickly, if not because he was desperate not to become a statistic, then because he wanted to succeed and revive the restaurant that his parents poured their hearts into

he excelled in his academics and extracurriculars in spite of needing to switch households every other month—he spent his nights working on an apprenticeship for local restaurants, he was on every varsity team possible, he got straight a’s...

he eventually got his grand diplôme from le cordon bleu and took on a few apprenticeships before attending baldwin university to study business.... everything he’d done was intended to honour his parents’ memory and start up a new restaurant in their name

he’s currently in his final year of studying business, and tbh if he isn’t concentrating on graduating with honours, he’s spending time @ the gym and feeding everyone @ the lambda sigma omega house (sidenote this binch isn’t the mom friend .... he is The Grandmother Friend)

w/e the case tho he doesn’t like to stay stagnant like he’s always movin n doing something n that habit has only become exacerbated since he discovered that his girlfriend had been cheating on him yike .....

it was heartbreaking smh he had never really had a serious girlfriend before her, and more importantly, he’d never been as open to anyone as he was with her

besides his parents, he doesn’t have v many examples to hold up in terms of romance since a lot of the houses he was in demonstrated v toxic and damaging relationships that he never wanted any part of, so he ended up thinking that his parents were just a spectacular exception

tbh he doesn’t have much experience opening up either like ... he spent so many years keeping things to himself that having opened up to her would’ve been such a significant moment

anyway she destroyed him and he wants to throw everything she’s ever touched from the space needle :)

PERSONALITY & HEADCANONS —

closing himself off is a survival tactic that’s only been exacerbated by his heartbreak YIKES there’s only a handful of people he would willingly ever discuss genuine feelings and history with smh

tbh he’s only 👀 playing himself because he doesn’t even have a proper outlet for his issues besides drinking smh

i mean idk what you were expecting from someone who studied business but he’s such a deceitful backstabbing bitch sometimes ... watch out 👀🔪

a noncommittal bitch YIKES romance wise he doesn’t like to think about anything besides sleeping around and staying in bed smh call him anthony bourdain because his dick has been everywhere

sidenote he gets daily STD/STI check ups and always has a functioning condom on hand because he’s a medically responsible and health aware slut

but like when it comes to people he cares about tbh he’s willing to drop everything at a moment’s notice to take care of them and make sure they’re loved—he’s spent so much of his life being thrown aside that he can’t stand the thought of someone going through that :/

regularly makes and packs his friends’ lunches according to their individual tastes and nutritional needs 💕

hATES rich ppl yike since his parents’ death he thinks that rich ppl are assholes who never gets held accountable which ,,, where is the lie

likes to present himself as a health nut who makes all his food w locally sourced ingredients but yikes has a guilty pleasure @ mcdonald’s mcchicken w fries what a fraud ... “there’s some humanity in all the gods”

is secretly v invested in proper skin and hair care and is surprisingly generous w sharing his expensive products and portable steamer if you ask nicely :”) his current favourite products atm include ouai rose hair oil and josie maran’s argan oil for moisturizing

ANYMEME this was v late n a lil confused but :”) plz love me n jack regardless ok thnx .... if u would like some Kool plots n connections as well as v long winded headcanons in the middle of the night plz hmu or like this post MWAH ilysm <3

#baldwin:intro #t HIS IS MESSY but plz ... still Love me

13 notes · View notes

marchfiftynine · 6 years

Text

Dons Run || JJK series

Part 1

Genre: fluff

Word count: 2,651

A/N: Hi everyone! This is my first piece and I had a lot of fun writing it, so I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did! This piece was not meant to insult anyone including the stars featured in it. It was all for fun. Let me know if you guys would like a part 2. Enjoy(:

“I swear hyung, Einsteinium was real at one point! It probably died when Einstein did”, Jungkook exclaims.

“PABO, pabo”, Jin scoffs. “So is ramenium real then? Or Eat-jin-ium? Is it gonna die when I…”

It was 12:07 am. Jungkook and Jin sat at a booth munching on some fries and ice cream while bickering over something stupid as always.

“Aishh I swear, how did we not get kicked out of here yet”, J-Hope laughs while placing the rest of their order in front of them.

“What can I say except your welcome? Mr. Worldwide-Handsome is here to promote… McChicken-nium, right guk?” Jin proudly says causing the maknae to choke on his fries which results in the three of them laughing even more.

“You know, you’re so lucky you’re older than me, otherwise I would’ve kicked your a-“

“Okay let’s just accept the fact that Jin-hyung is Mr. Worldwide-Handsome or whatever makes him feel better”, Hobi smiles interrupting, shoving more fries in Jungkook’s mouth.

“Wh- Huh?! You don’t think THIS is handsome?” Jin feigns hurt, causing him to spit his food out from laughing.

“Yah, I wouldn’t be laughing if I were you, right IU?” Jin smirks. “Oh SHITEU beef BEEF”, Hobi laughs.

“Tch, IU-sunbaenim was just being friendly towards you hyung. She hardly acknowledged your presence- AH” Jin smacks Jungkook, which results in him to drop his burger on the table.

“She HUGGED me. Did she hug you? Nope. Why? Because it’s Mr. Third-guy-to-the-left, to the LEFT”, Jin emphasizes.

“Aigoo, she hugged me too”, Hobi says while unwrapping his burger.

“You were in front of me, it was an accident”, Jin remarks.

“An accident like Jiminah-hyung’s shoulder everytime?” Jungkook teases.

“OH SHITEU AAAAHHHH”, Jhope and Jin laugh.

“But really, how can she not love this face, am I right? Sorry Guk, IU is mine now”, Jin teases, patting Jungkook’s shoulder.

“YAH!” Jungkook pouts causing Hobi to laugh.

“Bet I can get her to fall in love with me. Or anyone, right?”

“Oookay hyung, don’t make the maknae cry”, Hobi bites into his burger.

“Jungkook-ah will find another, or if he’s lucky, maybe even a look a-like.”

“HA, IU-sunbaenim is one in a million and she lowkey does love me.”

“Let the boy dream, hyung” Hobi jokes.

“Fine, but… OH SHIT SHE’S RIGHT THERE” Jin exclaims with wide eyes.

Jungkook glares at Jin.

“Ha-ha, funny.”

“Wait, is that actually her?” Hobi looks up.

“okay, I get it,“ Jungkook sighs looking up from his phone. “IU-sunbaenim is one i-” He turns around only to have his sentence cut off by laughs formed into white noise from his hyungs as he freezes for who knows how long.

A messy ponytail, an oversized sweater topped over some leggings with your pizza socks peeking from your all-white sneakers to yawning while poking your friend which turned into chuckles followed by a sleepy smile from her reaction; this seemed all too quick for him to process. But why was he feeling odd? This feeling seemed so familiar, yet so foreign to him. He didn’t know your name, what you were doing there or who you were but right there in that booth within a couple minutes of noticing your presence, he was sure of two things:

You were definitely no IU like how his hyungs had teased, but he couldn’t take his eyes off of you.

There you were with two of your closest friends laughing as you fumbled around, teasing one for looking like a meme. As your baby hairs framed your face, he stared in silence as you beamed all while trying to hold in a laugh that might come out louder than expected.

“…and it’s because he- YAH Jungkook, are you even listening?” Jin throws a fry at him.

“Huh-what?” he turns around eyebrows raised, blinking a few times.

“Heh, I saw that”, Hobi starts teasing.

“Hm?” Jungkook furrows his browns in confusion.

“You were staring at her.”

“No… I was looking at the menu.”

“The menu isn’t at the door”, Jin fires back.

Jungkook raises his brows for a second and huffs a “whatever” shoving a fry in his mouth, placing his focus back on his phone.

The two older members exchange sly looks. Jin raises a brow followed by a smirk breaking the silence, catching Jungkook’s attention.

“What?!”

Jin takes a long dramatic sip with innocent wide eyes staring back at Jungkook causing him to smirk again.

“W-Why are you… yah, she doesn’t even look like IU sunbaenim, I was just checking.”

“OOOH we didn’t even say anything!” Hobi exclaims.

“Chill, I’m not interested.”

Jin raises a brow again at Hobi then turns to Jungkook.

“Maybe I am then. She’s cute.”

Jungkook freezes for two seconds and continues eating.

“Yeah right.”

“What, you don’t think she could fall for me? Im Mr. Worldwi-“

“YAH we get it”, Hobi throws a fry at Jin laughing.

“I’m just saying, I bet she would fall in love with me. That’s probably why she came here with her friends; she saw me advertising through the window as JIN MR. WORLDWIDE MCDONALDS-NIUM HANDSOME!!” he jokes, flashing a cheesy grin causing Hobi and the maknae to burst out laughing.

“She’d say no.”

“WHAT?”

“I SAID SHE WOULD SAY NO.”

“YAH HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?”

Jungkook pauses. “…because… I don’t know, she doesn’t seem like the type.”

“Tch, don’t judge a book by it’s cover”, Hobi comments.

“Heh, exactly”, Jin adds. “Don’t be sad that she’ll pull an IU and fall for this.”

Jungkook narrows his eyes with a sly grin.

“Fries.”

“What?”

“I bet you 3 large fries she would say no.”

“Yah, you guys are so low… don’t”, Hobi coughs.

“Why not, hyung? Are you feeling sorry for Jin-hyung’s future loss?” Jungkook teases.

“It’s not that, it’s just… her feelings might get hurt if she gets too attached or something and she mi-“

“YAH ARE YOU CALLING ME UGLY?” Jin retorts.

“WHAT?!”

“if I lose, that means you lose too, pabo.”

“Wha- HOW AM I INVOLVED?”

“IF IU CAN HUG YOU AND ME THAT MEANS WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER!”

“BUT IM NOT EVEN PA-“

“ARE YOU CALLING US UGLY?”

All three burst out in laughter which is interrupted by Hobi taking a big sigh. “YAH JUNGKOOK-AH ARE YOU SAYING WE HAVE NO GAME?”

Jungkook sips his drink and slighty tilts his head raising a brow trying to hold in a laugh. “IU-sunbaenim is one person and she knows you both. I’m just saying, if you guys think you’re WORLDWIDE handsome, wouldn’t you be able to get ANY girl then?”

As Jin pushes the maknae to move out of the booth, Hobi attempts to brush away the feeling of guilt if the bet went through.

“Hobi-hyung, you’re our evidence for this invisible contract happening”, Jungkook jokes.

“Aiiish, yeah yeah. What is it?”

“If she says yes to a date- ”

“NO that’s too easy! ”

“Alright, you really wanna play around? How about if she falls in love with me?”

“Are you serious…”

“What? Who knows, she might reject me and that’s an easy win for you.”

Jungkook sits there thinking for a while. That’s true, she might think he’s a creep or something and he’d easily win.

“3 large fries. Plus a burger because she’s with other people.”

“Deal.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh my god y/n, just get both already!”, Soomi nudges at you. It was now 12:21 am and here you were sleepy yet craving McDonald’s with your two closest friends. “No, I told you I’m gonna have to.. yenno… take a shit if I get too much ice cream”, you lean in. Eunha starts laughing while leaning against a chair, not noticing it tilted along with her as she lands butt first. “Dumbass, are you high or something? We’re gonna get kicked out”, you say holding back a laugh with Soonmi literally laughing on the ground.

“Uhm, are you guys ready to order? Or…” asks the cashier at the front while scratching the back of his neck analyzing the trio of friends who probably woke him up. Soonmi flashes a wink at him with finger guns and responds with the most flirty “yeah I’ll have a number 5″ ever; in fact it was too flirty that you and Eunha couldn’t help but slightly cringe.

“I hate you sometimes, yenno”, you say to Soonmi while take a spoonful of your sundae. “Yes I’ll have a number 5″ you mimick followed by an obnoxious laugh from Eunha.

“Shut up, lactose in-loser,” Soonmi snorts.

“It’s TOLERANCE and it isn’t as bad”, you correct.

“Not gonna lie, he was pretty cute though”, Eunha shoves a fistful of fries in her mouth.

“But that’s not”, says Soonmi, staring back at Eunha in disgust.

“Neither are your flirting skills, Soonmi hehe”, you tease.

“YAH! He was seduced, see? He took a dollar off my ice cream.”

“…Pabo, that’s why we came here. The sundaes are for two dollars.”

“Whatever, still flirting”, she says shoving more ice cream in her mouth.

You pull out your phone and sigh at the reminder for your chemistry class lab questions due in a few hours. “So about chem, did you guys get number four? Cos I was confused how Carbon Monoxide can…”

As you look up, you see the two goons speechless as they stared at the tall figure that stood behind you.

“What are y-” You turn and find yourself blushing at the face above you. There he stood straight and tall, smiling gently with a slight head tilt.

“Hey.”

“Uh.. Hi?”

“I’m Jin.”

You stare at him in silence a bit too long. “…I’m y/n.”

“Nice to meet you, do you mind if I take a seat for now?”

You quickly glance at your friends in confusion which is later followed by a warm smile. “Uh… sure Jin.”

“So… Wh-”

“Her name is y/n l/n”, Soonmi interrupts. “And I’m Soonmi, and this is Eunha, and we’re her friends. Best friends actually. And we are on a best friend date right now, so let’s cut to the chase - what do you want boy?”

Jin stares wide eyed at your blunt friend speechless with how straight forward she was.

“Soonmi!” Eunha kicks her under the table.

“Ow! I’m just saying, there has to be some reason why he would come up outta nowhere like that? I mean, isn’t that weird he ju-”

“Sorry about her”, Eunha shoves Soonmi’s burger back in her mouth while smiling. You quietly debate in your head if the laugh you’re trying to hold in is out of embarrassment or if you really love your psycho friends. Snapping out of it, you turn back to Jin who’s focus was now completely on you.

“She kinda has a point; may I help you Jin?”

Jin swallows hard and fumbles with his hands astonished by how much cuter you were up close. Oh shit, he thinks to himself. You can say this was all a joke or play it off and turn back now and lose to Jungkook or..

Soonmi throws a fry at him to bring him back to reality.

“YAH!” you say unable to hold back your laugh, taking the fry off the table throwing it back at her.

"Sorry, but continue.“

“Oh. uhm… so this sounds kinda crazy, but I… was wondering if maybe…uh… how do I say th-”

“JUST SAY IT ALREADY!” Soonmi startles all four of you.

"OKAY, DO YOU WANNA GO OUT SOMEtime?…” Jin’s voice cracks at the end which causes both your mouth and eyes to widen with a small yet silent laugh.

Eunha chokes on her drink along with Soonmi and her burger causing Jin to look at them. “I’m sorry, I-I can go grab some napkins or-”

“NO STAY!” they both say which startles the cashier at the front.

Jin turns back towards you with a light blush. “I know it’s so sudden and out of nowhere, but I…*clears throat and inhales* I couldn’t help but notice you and how cute you look and I was just wondering if I’d be able to… yenno… possibly get to know you cos I’ve never seen you around before and I didn’t wanna lose my chance of probably never seeing you again so I ha-”

“Woah woah, Jin… breathe,” you chuckle. “I’m… wow that was a lot to take in, but I’m truly flattered.”

As you feel your cheeks heating up, you turn back to look at Soonmi and Eunha who both have their jaws wide open which suddenly curve into sly smiles at the sight of you and Jin.

“So… would yo-”

“YEAH SHE WILL!” the other two blurt out catching the both of your attention. “Here’s her number and she’s available on… hm… tomorrow! Wait, no, Friday! Two days from now. Here’s our number so you can text us if you need any info about y/n and she’s lactose intranslucent-”

“It’s tolerance”, Eunha adds on.

“Yeah whatever, same thing”, Soonmi continues.

“YAH! I’m right here yenno?” You finally snap out of it.

Jin laughs, saving your number and stands up, smiling at you. “Well, thanks so much. I’ll text you later, y/n!”

He waves and before you know it, you find your mouth still open and your hand waving in the air controlled by one of the goofballs who seemed to have processed everything much faster than you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No way, he thought to himself. Jungkook formed the same expression you had on as he watched Jin happily walk back to their booth.

“3. freaking. large. fries. AND A BURGER”, Jin exhaled. “All for food, why is this too easy?”

“Pft, you just got her number. The bet was if she falls in love with you”, Hobi corrects.

“Yenno what, she is cute but I still have my heart set on IU. Plus her friends are kinda scary” Jin says.

“Yah, don’t be so mean, you don’t even know them yet”, Jungkook comments.

“It’s alright, the bet is just for food and… actually… wait, I have a better idea.”

Jungkook and Hobi stare back at the eldest while eating in silence.

“How about if she falls in love with me before MAMA 2017, I get to ask IU to be my date.”

“N-no that’s not fair hyung”, Jungkook chokes out.

“Yeah, you’re breaking both her and Jungkook’s heart, isn’t that kinda harsh?” Hobi adds on.

“WhAt?”

“Ehh, it’s not like I’ll fall in love with her, I think.”

“But what if you do?”

“Honestly, I doubt it.”

“Wait, isn’t it a win-win for you? What do I get out of this?” Jungkook asks.

“Uh…oh yeah hey? Nothing.”

“Hyung,no fair!”

Jin and Hobi laugh. “Okay, okay, let’s change it one last time.”

Jungkook sighs. “What is it now?”

“How about if she falls in love with me, you can take IU to MAMA?”

“Wait, but what do you get?” Hobi questions.

Jin blinks twice. “Satisfaction. and maybe IU.”

“You’re ridiculous, this sounds so stupid.”

Jungkook straightens his back while firmly staring at the table then looks up at the both of them. “Let’s do it.”

Hobi looks at him with a shocked expression. “Jungkook-ah, are you serious?”

“I can help her fall in love with you then, right hyung?” he says, completely ignoring Hobi.

“Mmm, sure. Only cos MAMA is a month away and I’ll play nice,” Jin responds.

“Wait, wait, what happens if she does fall in love with you?”

“Trust me, she won’t anymore.”

Hobi sat there quietly thinking what were Jin’s true intentions out of all of this. Jungkook felt slightly guilty but he couldn’t let this opportunity to be with his Sunbaenim slip away so easily, especially since he would finally have a reason to be with her.

“You have exactly 30 days to make her fall in love with me. If not, your Sunbaenim will be my date to MAMA along with the fries and burger you owe me”, Jin laughs.

“Geez hyung, you make it sound like a command, but alright. Deal.”

43 notes · View notes

allcatsaregreyt · 6 years

Text

Sollux Captor-Today at 12:51 PM

i w0nder h0w l0ng until "i l0ve y0u" is habit instead 0f feeling.

Karkat Vantas-Today at 12:51 PM

Sollux Captor-Today at 12:51 PM

my an0n.

Karkat Vantas-Today at 12:51 PM

AH.

Saness Psuede-Today at 1:01 PM

:( Why haven't you cancelled that?

Sollux Captor-Today at 1:01 PM

i have a wish.

Saness Psuede-Today at 1:02 PM

What's the wish?

Sollux Captor-Today at 1:02 PM

i might tell y0u 0nce i give less 0f a fuck, but n0t right n0w.

Karkat Vantas-Today at 1:03 PM

I SAW YOUR POST ABOUT IT.

Sollux Captor-Today at 1:03 PM

0h.

Saness Psuede-Today at 1:03 PM

:( ?

Sollux Captor-Today at 1:03 PM

/shrug.

Karkat Vantas-Today at 1:04 PM

I’M GONNA PICK YOU UP FROM SCHOOL TODAY, BY THE BY.

Sollux Captor-Today at 1:04 PM

whatever.

"Whatever..." you repeat to yourself. Is he being dismissive to Karkat because of the anon, or because of something else? Sigh. ...You're gonna go take a shower.

/via @sanesspsuede

[Private Messaging]

TS: Hey, so TS: What's so important that you gotta wait through two weeks of this emotionless stuff in order to wish for it? TS: You seriously wished for a McChicken last time you had the option

Sollux Captor-Today at 1:16 PM

TA: d0n't w0rry ab0ut it. TA: and if the wish c0mes true, then there w0n't be anything t0 w0rry ab0ut anym0re.

Saness Psuede-Today at 1:28 PM

TS: I smell bullshit TS: Nothing you could ever wish for would keep every possible worry away TS: Did something happen?

Sollux Captor-Today at 1:32 PM

TA: meh. TA: just trying t0 get rid 0f a pr0blem.

Saness Psuede-Today at 1:45 PM

TS: I want to know what the problem is

Sollux Captor-Today at 1:45 PM

TA: sh00sh.

Saness Psuede-Today at 1:46 PM

TS: I refuse TS: What's the problem?

Sollux Captor-Today at 1:50 PM

TA: what part 0f i d0n't want t0 talk ab0ut it aren't y0u getting?

Shower time, you messed up troublemaker. You waste no time, just getting efficiently clean and then out of the shower. Sollux’s Room. Flop onto the bed, clean and dry and very distressed. Ouch.

/via @sanesspsuede

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:02 PM

TS: The part where you're fobbing me off super hard and telling me not to worry, which is an obvious flag to tell me that I should worry TS: Why are you being a shithead all of the sudden?

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:04 PM

TA: if i keep being a shithead d0 the fun names like blunderslurp n00kteeth c0me 0ut?

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:06 PM

TS: Sollux TS: What's wrong? TS: It's like whatever you're doing, you're super intent on hiding it. TS: That means you think you have a reason to hide it. TS: That means I have to ask you.

Wow, he's being really prickly. Is it just you? What's wrong? There's no way you can talk to him about anything you had to, because you don't think he can handle it right now.

/via @sanesspsuede

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:07 PM

TA: but i d0n't have a reas0n t0 tell y0u.

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:07 PM

TS: What about "we're friends and I care about you" TS: That's not a reason anymore?

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:08 PM

TA: that's the pr0blem.

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:09 PM

TS: That's the problem? TS: What is the problem

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:13 PM

TA: i care t00 much. TA: i'm g0ing t0 make it st0p.

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:17 PM

TS: What's that supposed to mean? TS: You're gonna wish to stop caring about things?

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:17 PM

TA: n0.

You had almost typed “i want t0 st0p falling in l0ve.” but you backspaced.

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:18 PM

TS: Please tell me

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:19 PM

TA: i d0n't want t0 talk ab0ut this anym0re.

You are going to break into that school and slap him with an anon pass if he doesn't give you a good enough reason not to.

/via @sanesspsuede

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:20 PM

TS: Sollux TS: Tell me

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:22 PM

TA: i l0ve y0u. TA: that's the pr0blem.

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:23 PM

TS: What are you going to wish for? TS: To stop loving me?

Ow ow ow. It's best. It doesn't matter if it hurts, you already decided that for yourself. He wants to wish not to love you? That's fine. That's better even. He won't hurt.

/via @sanesspsuede

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:23 PM

TA: t0 st0p l0ving any0ne.

...?! To stop loving anyone? Why?? That's not right. Not at all.

/via @sanesspsuede

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:26 PM

TS: Sollux TS: Sollux, that's awful TS: What did Karkat do to you? TS: That's worse than Eri TS: Not loving me, that's fine, I understand, I get it, it's cool TS: But man TS: You can't do that TS: Don't

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:27 PM

TA: karkat's the 0nly 0ne i haven't messed up, and hell f0r all i kn0w i've already d0ne that much and he just w0n't tell me, i w0uldn't be surprised. TA: it's better this way. TA: it's n0t like i'm leaving him, i'll still be right here, i'll still be his matesprit.

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:28 PM

TS: Sollux, don't be that person

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:28 PM

TA: and when he decides he's sick of me, then it won't hurt.

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:31 PM

TS: Sollux TS: I am telling you TS: That is wrong TS: Genuinely horribly terribly wrong TS: You're going to hurt Karkat the same way you're scared of being hurt TS: What about when Karkat finds out you don't love him? TS: Don't you think he knows you well enough to tell

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:33 PM

TA: n0t l0ving isn't the same as n0t caring. TA: i d0n't think. TA: i'm n0t g0ing t0 be eri. TA: i'm g0ing t0 still be here like i've always been. TA: i'll never turn him away 0r ign0re him 0r make him feel w0rthless. TA: and i w0n't be giving my feelings t0 pe0ple wh0 d0n't want them t0 be put back int0 that p0siti0n anym0re.

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:36 PM

TS: Sollux I'm fucking serious TS: This is wrong and you know it TS: Otherwise why wouldn't you want to say something? TS: Come on man, you're not really this cruel. TS: Say it to Karkat TS: Say "I don't love you" TS: That's what you're doing

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:40 PM

TA: 0f c0urse i l0ve him. TA: i've l0ved him f0r years. TA: but me l0ving pe0ple just ends up with pe0ple being hurt. TA: aradia, t0paz, eri, y0u. me. TA: if karkat was hurt, i'd bet every d0llar i have he w0uldn't tell me, and that hurts t00. TA: he'll be safer this way. TA: s0 will y0u. TA: s0 will eri. TA: i c0nsidered just getting rid 0f myself entirely, but this seems t0 be a better 0pti0n.

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:43 PM

TS: Karkat doesn't want this either TS: I bet if you told him, he'd be devastated that you even considered this TS: I know how you felt when Eri forgot you TS: I know TS: This? TS: How could you think this is kindness?

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:43 PM

TA: i'm n0t f0rgetting anything. TA: i'll remember h0w things sh0uld feel. TA: i'll remember when t0 tell him i l0ve him.

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:44 PM

TS: But you won't love him

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:45 PM

TA: i'll remember that i used t0.

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:45 PM

TS: You'll be lying through your teeth

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:45 PM

TA: g00d thing i have a l0t 0f teeth.

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:47 PM

TS: Is that really how you feel?

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:50 PM

TA: it's the 0nly 0pti0n.

You get out your disguise locket and set it up so you look like a police officer. This is happening. You're doing this. Go.

You pick a location behind the school on your scroller, wasting zero time in warping here once you confirmed that no one was around to see you. He can hate you for this. That's fine.

You go into the school, for all the world looking like a human police officer, and step into the office. You tell the staff to call Sollux Captor to the office.

/via @sanesspsuede

Sollux Captor-Today at 2:50 PM

Oh goddamnit. School's almost out, what do they want now. You sigh, then wave off the person who was reading your workpage to you and start packing up. Bag slung on your shoulder, you grab Casey. You decide to take your sweet time about it, stopping by your locker first to drop off unnecessary books and pick up your coat. You've got a key to your locker, since you can't use the dial anymore despite remembering the combination, and you pocket it once you're ready, walking over to the office, fully prepared to use your silver tongue to stutter your way out of whatever trouble you're in.

Saness Psuede-Today at 2:56 PM

You already made arrangements with the staff to have Sollux directed to a private office for you to speak with him alone. You're waiting, knowing he'd recognize your voice if you were the one who'd pulled him in here. You will wait for the attendant to put him in here and close the door behind him, the message being that a human police officer named Cathy came to the school and would like to talk to him. He won't be expecting you. He won't be expecting any of this. His silver tongue won't save him from you.

Sollux Captor-Today at 3:00 PM

You're wearing your glasses when you come in, because your cybernetics are "distracting". You're virtually entirely blind when you step in, if she'd taken off her disguise you wouldn't have noticed. You're wearing scowl of irritation, and click your tongue at your dog so she guides you to the chair, which you feel around for, drop your bag semi-carefully on the floor (there's a husktop in it), and plop in it.

"Thought we already had a talk about the truancy. What is it now?"

Saness Psuede-Today at 3:05 PM

You don't say a word, instead walking over at a comfortable pace so that he doesn't feel the need to defend himself and pressing your anon-consuming egg against him to get rid of the slow decay anon, focusing very clearly on it as you do so. You're not going to try to force-feed him a cookie. You're skipping to what you know will work, even if you're scared and hurting and there are tears fighting their way to freedom.

Sollux Captor-Today at 3:07 PM

Obviously, you don't take well to a stranger touching you. You hiss at the unexpected touch and jerk away, swatting her hand, a few startled flyaway sparks giving away just how not okay you were with that.

"What the fuck??"

Saness Psuede-Today at 3:13 PM

This locket only covers for physical appearance, so you have to fake a different voice on your own if you don't want Sollux to recognize you. The egg slithers to a darker shade and weighs a little more, so you know it works. Shaking, you put it away. You're not going to mask your voice. You already won.

"...you probably shouldn't assault a police officer."

Sollux Captor-Today at 3:22 PM

You freeze when you hear the voice, ears turning up. It takes you a beat before your face curls into a snarl, ripping off the anaglyph glasses so you can actually see her. Her shape's wrong, but you know that voice. You don't mistake the voice of someone you're in love with. It doesn't take a genius to add two and two and you're pissed. You get up and turn away, glasses in your teeth, gathering your dog and bag and storming out. The bell hasn't rang yet but fuck that, you're going home. You can't even find words to say to her before you're gone.

Saness Psuede-Today at 3:26 PM

You only take a moment to compose yourself before stepping out to inform the staff that yes, it's fine, he can go. Cathy the policewoman leaves the school with a stern expression, calm and collected until she can find a place to die.

No, wait, you have to make sure Sollux doesn't lash out and do anything stupid. You decide to follow him, rotting soul, bleary eyes and all.

Saness Psuede-Today at 3:30 PM

TS: I'm not sorry.

Sollux Captor-Today at 3:31 PM

[TA ceased trolling TS!]

#long post #discord #rp #sanesspsuede #mentions of:#crimsongarrote #seemsfishee #thalassophiloustopaz #m!a: speechcraft 100 #m!a: t0tal eclipse 0f the heart #m!a: is over

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calorieworkouts · 4 years

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20 Simple Calorie Reducing Swaps

Losing weight doesn't have to be tough job, you do need to take a look at your diet and also workout but there are other points you can do that can aid. Basic things such as exchanging specific points in your diet regimen for others that taste simply as great yet have less calories.

These pointers are based on swapping things in your diet regimen that you might such as to indulge on every now as well as then, it is simply to provide you a suggestion on exactly how you can reduce calories really simply by making various options but not robbing yourself of the treats you enjoy.

I reference details companies/products in some parts of this article yet this is simply for you to see the amount of calories you can conserve by making various options when consuming preferred foods, I am not promoting any one of the items or areas mentioned.

Here are 20 simple swaps:

Cereal

Swap your morning bowl of cereal for gruel. If porridge is not your point then opt for the healthier grains, check the ingredients initially as there are many that you may think are healthy and balanced but remain in truth high in calories. Grains are the option of numerous as they are quick and easy but you could be eating even more calories than you think for morning meal, and right here are some reasons why:

Portion size - are you making use of huge bowls, do you fill your dish excessive? It is very easy to consume dual the quantity than you require. Try and maintain your portion to under 1-1 1/2 cups.

Are there any type of nuts? Nuts are good for you and also contain protein and healthy and balanced fats however they are likewise high in calories so take care of how numerous are included.

Sugar? Do you sugarcoat to your cereal, if so take into consideration exchanging sugar out for chopped fresh fruit, not dried fruit which is greater in calories. Chopped bananas, strawberries or blueberries are my favourites for contributing to porridge.

Stay away from the sweetened cereals such as coco pops, frosties etc, these sort of grains have a great deal of sugar.

Milk

Swap entire milk for a various sort of milk e.g. almond milk, coconut milk etc there are various selections which contain less calories. If you don't such as the preference of the various other milks after that switch entire fat for semi-skimmed or also better non fat milk and also you could conserve up to 90 calories. Switching milk can transform the calorie web content for not only your morning meal but additionally for your coffee, tea, hot chocolate etc.

Alcohol

If you such as to treat yourself to an alcoholic beverage every so often you might conserve on your own some calories by drinking something different:

Swap a whisky as well as coke for a vodka and also slim line tonic conserving you 71 calories.

Swap your margarita for a mojito and also save 135 calories.

Swap a pint of beer for a glass (120ml) of gewurztraminer as well as save 107 calories.

Chocolate

If you want to delight in a chocolate bar after that opt for the ones with reduced calories, swap out a Snickers bar (319 calories) for a Cadbury Flake (170 calories) instead as well as save 149 calories.

Two fingers of a Nestle Set Kat is even better (107 calories) saving you 212 calories compared to the Snickers bar.

Coffee

Do you regularly visit coffee bar for a coffee or a quick lunch, if so, after that attempt a few of these swaps:

Leave behind the Venti Vanilla Latte (320 cals) as well as order instead the Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte (160 cals) for a saving of 210 calories or conversely choose a Tall Caffe Cappucino (100 cals) and also save 270 calories.

Fancy a Tuna Melt Panini (389 cals) exchange it for a Tuna Mayonnaise and also Cucumber Sandwich (258 cals) and conserve 131 calories.

Swap the Chicken Caesar Wrap (434 cals) for the Chicken Salad Sandwich (272 cals) conserving on your own 162 calories.

Pastries and Muffins

Swap a blueberry muffin for a butter croissant as well as you could conserve 234 calories.

Swap a reduced fat chocolate piece muffin for a pain au chocolate and conserve 186 calories and also you still get your delicious chocolate fix.

Swap the lemon poppy seed muffin for an apricot croissant as well as you will certainly conserve 191 calories.

Pizza Express

Swap the baked dough balls with garlic butter (342 cals) for the garlic bread (238 cals) saving 104 calories.

A blended side salad with house dressing (139 cals) choose the light clothing and save 34 calories, ask to have no clothing as well as conserve 116 calories.

If you such as to have among their salads for your main dish then take into consideration swapping the warm vegetable and goats cheese salad with chicken (909 cals) for the Pollo Pancetta Salad without goats cheese (778 cals) saving you 131 calories. Currently if you wished to save even better you could get the Pollo without dough sticks you can save a total amount of 379 calories.

If pizza is your choice then conserve calories with the Leggera Pizzas which are all 500 calories each so these pizzas have much less calories than any of the Classic or Romana pizzas.

The Classic pizzas vary in calories from 669 -951 calories and the Romana pizzas range from 813-1148 calories.

Watching a movie

Have snacks without butter instead of snacking on potato chips.

Fast food

I would certainly suggest remaining away from convenience food completely, because of the high number of calories and it's high fat and also salt content, but if you do really feel need then there are some swaps you can do to help lower the amount of calories:

Swap the Costs Crispy Chicken Club Sandwich for the Costs Gilled Chicken Club Sandwich and conserve 160 calories or go for the McChicken as well as conserve 260 calories.

Swap the Double Quarter Pounder with cheese for a Large Mac as well as conserve 200 calories or choose a basic cheeseburger as well as save 450 calories.

I wont listing any kind of swaps for Hamburger King however I will point out that the trick to calorie swaps for junk food generally is to think of lowering the extras.

Think concerning what's included to your choices for instance cheese is mosting likely to bump up your calories, likewise the method the food is prepared, pick grilled over fried. Watch out for the sauces as well as dressings these can include on the calories. Sizes that you pick make a difference, whether it french fries or sodas, you can save 100 calories can by having a medium soft drink rather than a large. When making swaps to reduce calories there is lot of information available however I suggest that you make your swaps for the healthier options. Do not just exchange sugar for sweetener to lower calories or also the diet soda as opposed to the typical soda, these types of swaps might reduce calories yet the options have active ingredients that are manmade and aren't so helpful for you. Directly I prefer to have sugar than sugar substitutes as the sugar replaces can create bloating, stomach distension and gas as they are not easily digested.

One last point, just because the calories are less you still need to be conscious of the nutritional content of the foods, foods can still have high fat content.

#weight #workout

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stylesbicon · 7 years

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Pardon me for rambling but I swear to God I just had the realest experience of my life and I’m very shook

I was coming out of Target and this guy came up at me from across the parking lot like “hey man you got some money” etc etc and I really wanted to help him (like I try to give a little something to everyone who asks but I rarely have cash and yet I really wanted to help this particular guy for some reason) so i gave him a $1 and a $2 bill and that was all I had and he was like “listen man if you were able to help me out would you?” and i said yeah and he was like “that gas station has an ATM” and i have pretty much NO money right now as you may have seen me complaining about recently (usually I’m okay but I just had to unexpectedly make a down payment on a car?) but I was gonna go get him like another $20 and then before I know it he’s just in my car and I feel so much more pressure to give him the $80 he needs for a hotel room. So I give him $40 after I drive him to the ATM and he’s already in my car (which my mom always warned me about growing up blablabla but also this guy seemed A-okay but also you gotta be smart and I didn’t know him at all) so I take him through a drive thru where I buy him 4 mcchickens and then before we know it I’m driving him across town and I’m not sure exactly where we’re even going which like red flag but also I felt totally chill about all of this?

so we get talking and this guy’s really nice and he’s homeless because he’s trying to break away from a crappy lifestyle which mad respect and he’s trying so hard and he’s been clean for 13 days and never wants to go back there and he just needs somewhere to sleep tonight and maybe somewhere else to stay and life sucks and he’s got nobody to help him out and he was just being so real with me and I could tell how honest he was being and opening up and so much of it all is so relatable to like everyone else in the world’s story and at this point I’m just getting pissed at capitalism and then we both started talking about how much we both need to get out of this town and I dunno just a lot of his experiences reflected with mine like we’ve obviously lived very different lives but we’re both just stuck where we’re at from a past of uninformed decisions and no support network and it got to this point where he says “Do me a favor and live for yourself. Take care of yourself first. Promise me you’ll make it.” and that was the realest thing I’ve ever heard like he has no idea who I am or what my life is like but those are the words I’ve been needing to hear for so long and something about this whole situation just felt like the voice of God like I’m not even lying this man spoke to my soul and said the exact thing I needed to hear but also what Kesha was saying at her concert last night that really connected with me?

Like apparently the Universe wants me to Get Out Of Here and stop living in this terrible oppressive environment which I’m all for but I’m obviously terrified. Like I am taking this as a Sign but where do I go what to I do how do I afford it? I ended up giving this man $100 which was 25% of all the money I had because I’m an idiot, how am I supposed to go anywhere?? Like wow I need someone to just drop a couple thousand bucks in my lap while I figure something out or something but anyway thank you William the random guy I drove around today

#personal

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bluemagic-girl · 5 years

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Officer Accused McDonald’s Workers Of Taking A Bite Of His McChicken Because He’s A Cop, Then Admitted He ‘Forgot He Ate It’

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); I really do not even know about this 1, #Roommates. This Indianapolis police officer have to have been Drained tired to forget about that he ate his personal sandwich. He wrongly accused #McDonalds personnel of having a bite out of his sandwich and now he’s on an apology tour for the preposterous accusation. You see, the cop requested a McChicken prior to commencing function at Marion County Jail and place it in a fridge so he could conserve it for his shift. When he went again for that sandwich seven hrs later on, he discovered the missing chunk and the chunk marks then turned convinced he experienced been targeted by the McDonald’s team simply because of his work.“I said, ‘You know what? I am likely to the McDonald’s to see if they can get that taken treatment of.’…I just needed to uncover out who the person was and they deal with that particular person in an proper way,” he advised @wthrcom.Administrators at that cafe checked the program to see who was operating when the officer’s food was prepared and located no proof to back up the officer’s promises. Then the fact came out much more than a week afterwards when the sheriff’s business office declared that the mystery had been solved.“The investigation has determined that McDonald’s cafe personnel in no way tampered with the employee’s food stuff,” the sheriff’s business office claimed in a assertion. “The personnel took a chunk out of the sandwich upon starting his shift at the Marion County Jail, then placed it in the fridge in a break space. He returned approximately seven several hours afterwards possessing neglected that he had earlier bitten the sandwich. He wrongly concluded that a McDonald’s restaurant personnel experienced tampered with his foodstuff since he is a regulation enforcement officer.”The officer formally apologized to that McDonald’s for his error. It wasn’t right away crystal clear if he obtained any willpower for his accusations. Like0 Dislike0 !operate(f,b,e,v,n,t,s)if(f.fbq)returnn=f.fbq=functionality()n.callMethod? n.callMethod.implement(n,arguments):n.queue.drive(arguments)if(!f._fbq)f._fbq=n n.push=nn.loaded=!0n.variation=’2.0’n.queue=[]t=b.createElement(e)t.async=! t.src=vs=b.getElementsByTagName(e)[0]s.parentNode.insertBefore(t,s)(window, doc,’script’,’https://ift.tt/2Ybs9LE) fbq(‘init’, ‘1743561565887263’, , “agent”: “wordpress-5.1.1-1.7.5” )

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wroetominter · 7 years

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Mispronounced - Lachlan Imagine - Day 1

#Lachlan power #lachlanyt #Lachlan #the pack #imagine #wroetominterimagines #Lachlan imagine #craftbattleduty

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suiciderealestate · 5 years

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Where does my mental illness end and my sense of self begin? I have known something is amiss with my mind for a long time and I have called my affliction by many names. But now in its newest iteration it is shifting slowly from Major Depression to Bipolar Depression, or, maybe more inclusively, Majorly Bipolar Depression. With the exception of vitamin assistance, I have been unmedicated for a few years. The last time I took medication it was Wellbutrin, which made me more manic than I have ever been in my life. At half of the prescribed dosage, I was throwing McChicken’s at my mother’s head, hiding in bushes at 24 years old, planning my self-managed exodus from Nashville to Los Angeles, and getting my license to serve alcohol — I passed the test with flying colors. When I consulted my GP about the mania resultant of my medication, she told me I might be bipolar. I have and had bipolar friends, and though they say birds of a feather flock together, I didn’t feel my symptoms matched the bipolar symptoms exhibited by some of my companions. Their mania was unmedicated. My mania was medicated. Clearly there was a difference. But I’ve since learned that there are two different kinds of bipolar. As my bipolar friend Meredith would say: You’re either Amanda Bynes bipolar (Bipolar 1) or Catherine Zeta-Jones bipolar (Bipolar 2 - Bipolar Depression). Amanda Bynes has since publicly stated that her erratic behavior from 2012 to 2016 wasn’t the result of a mental illness but the result of substance abuse and all the problems that come with it. But, as I’ve found, once a sicko always a sicko. And so while she may currently be in an upswing in her cycle from stability to chaos, it pains me to say that her future holds all the inevitability of her past. That’s just the way it is for people like us. We can stage a return. We can find success. But in reality we only ever really learn how to shove the thought patterns that haunt us under the carpet, close the curtains and muffle out the noise. But the noise never goes away. It’s always there. Whether the buzzing of your mind be plaintive or strident, the buzzing persists and it never goes away.

Today I called my mother to go down the usual lists of complaints: nobody loves me, my hair is falling out, and my body is a prison that makes my life a kind of perpetual Chinese water torture of the soul. A pragmatic, sensible woman, my mother rarely knows what to say. She doesn’t know how to give me advice on topics pertaining to romance because of my homosexual lifestyle; she doesn’t know how to talk to me about my emotional struggles because she has never had a history with mental illness (neither has my father, who is in many ways the same as her); and she doesn’t understand me when I ask her for help. At best, she says, she can let me move back into a home in Nashville with no rent other than the constant tax of corrosive misunderstanding. The comfort of my home in Tennessee is a tomb perfectly prepared for me to waste the rest of my days away in anticipation of my approaching demise. But I know that I have been dying for some time now. Decomposition comes in varying stages, and in this particular manifestation the rot has started first with my mind and will then work its way outward. It is not an uncommon way to go, and in my extended family there is a history of dementia. Dementia took the mind of my next-door neighbor Dan, a former engineering professor at Vanderbilt University who struggled to remember his loved ones or even who he was in the last years of his life. It took the mind of my paternal grandmother in her last days and rendered her final bouts of consciousness a public fever dream on perfect display for my family to see. I only heard whispers of it, being that I was young at the time of her death, but I remember visiting her in the nursing home and then the hospital, and I remember the smell of sterility and decay that lived easily alongside one another. I remember the first time I saw a dead body, one that belonged to a man who was only ever called “Uncle Ronnie” and who I had never actually met. To meet someone only after they are basted with formaldehyde is a curious thing. When I saw his pale corpse in the open casket, a corpse whose lifeless pallor, resistant to every cosmetic effort, must have startled other attendees at the wake, I felt nothing. I learned that even dead bodies are held to a standard of perfection, and even dead bodies often fail to meet those standards.

Even today I often think of Uncle Ronnie. I still remember his face, his black hair, his delicate features. I remember that all I’ve ever known of him is death. For me, that is his legacy: that he died and that of all seven billion people upon the face of the Earth, his corpse was the first I ever witnessed. For my mother, bipolar disorder seems to be a kind of little death. She once had a good friend named Jill. Jill was bipolar. She forged checks and stole from her employers. She used to babysit me once upon a time, and when I was only four years old she would let me watch graphic movies like “Alien,” in which aliens can only give birth by planting their seed in the body of a living being. When the alien finally gestates and is ready to be born, it simply bursts from the host’s body and leaves them to die in a mess of blood and fleshy pulp. I remember watching the cartoon “Ren and Stimpy,” and it was at that point in my life that I learned the aesthetic potential of the grotesque and macabre. I forsook companionship with children my age for others who were three to five years older than me. Even they said I was “warped,” because my knowledge of sex, profanity and vulgarity was more advanced than anything they had known at my age. I was exposed to cigarettes early, alcohol early, everything just a tad earlier. I learned most of what I knew from other children at St. Henry’s School, a place my parents had desperately tried to get me admitted to. It took a little coaxing from a family relative, but after much reluctance I was admitted. Even at a young age, I wasn’t looked upon as a genius or even as someone with average potential. My great aunt Emily had to harass a priest at St. Henry until they decided to give me the formality of an admissions test. And once I proved lackluster at that, she had to harass him some more. Little did my parents know, I would be reared in a den of charlatans. And though my mother constantly reminds me that she didn’t raise me to exhibit the behaviors I am prone to, she unwittingly unleashed me into a realm of the most expensive sin money can buy.

For much of my early exposure I have Jill to thank. But Jill has cemented in my mother’s mind a stigmatized perception of people with bipolar disorder. God forbid her son should have a variation of it, so even now she is in denial. When I told her over the phone today that I believe I have bipolar 2, she said, in desperation, “But you don’t have any of the symptoms!” The symptoms, according to the most direct Google search, are as follows: 1) mood swings, sadness, elevated mood, anger, anxiety, apathy, apprehension, euphoria, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest, or loss of interest or pleasure in activities; 2) irritability, risk taking behaviors, disorganized behavior, aggression, agitation, crying, excess desire for sex, hyperactivity, impulsivity, restlessness, or self-harm; 3) unwanted thoughts, delusion, lack of concentration, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, or false belief of superiority; 4) depression, manic episode, agitated depression, or paranoia; 5) difficulty falling asleep or excess sleepiness; 6) weight gain or weight loss; and 7) fatigue or rapid and frenzied speaking.

Looking at all of these symptoms, I can’t help but think that all of this is simply innate to the human condition. But at the end of the day, I can only speak to my human condition. In this lifetime, I can speak to no one else’s. And yet, to feel that there is some possibility of error in my cognitive makeup, that I am broken with little hope of drugless repair, is to know that there is a part of me that will always be lacking. Today I told my mother that in the last two months I stole merchandise worth thousands of dollars during my seasonal employment at Bloomingdales. More troubling still is that every time I stole from Bloomingdales I was in a good mood. With this condition it just goes to show that both highs and lows are dangerous. If I’m in a bad mood I might kill myself, and if I’m in a good mood I might happily commit several felonies. You really never know.

When I reported all of this information to my mother in demonstration of the fact that perhaps I do embody the erratic behavior she associates with bipolar disorder, she insisted on getting off the phone. She made me promise I would never steal again, which I obliged to with fingers crossed, and then she hung up. It’s not that I want to steal again. It’s just that I can’t make promises I know I can’t keep. For my mother, bipolar disorder is not unlike a prison sentence or a death sentence. Jill disappeared, and we never saw her again. We didn’t hear from her. We didn’t hear about her. She just vanished. Sometimes I wish I could do the same. I wish I could just disappear from everyone’s life over and over again, constantly remaking myself until I finally crash and burn. But these days, with social media and all the rest, it just isn’t that easy. We are bound to who we are, until we aren’t. I hope my family can salvage some sense of understanding until that day comes. I know it’s a lot to ask. I hardly understand myself.

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