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stevie-petey · 23 days

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episode three: the case of the missing lifeguard

You glance at your door, worried your mom has heard Steve’s pathetic fall, while he clutches at his knee and groans. Through gasps of pain, he manages to respond, “Give me a second to recover my pride, Y/N.” “We need more than just a second to recover your pride.” You crawl out of bed and offer the boy your hand. “Get up, dummy.” He accepts the help and stands, brushing himself off. “Your bed is freakishly high.” “Have you ever considered that you’re just clumsy?” “I’m an athlete, angel.”

Summary: dustin blackmails you for $5 and then dubs steve as boyfriend material for you, robin cracks yet another russian code, you all almost waterboard yourselves after sneaking onto the mall's roof, you have a sexy nervous breakdown, and jonathan takes you for a drive in his sick car

Rating: general, some swearing

Warnings: swearing, use of y/n, fem!reader

Words: 7k

Before you swing in: hi my loves !! had a hectic final week of classes but im finally done !! (technically i have one more final but thats a later issue). this chapter is a lot of banter and chaos and theres some sad feelings towards the end that im a bit frightened to see the reactions to so ,,,, enjoy !

When your alarm goes off for work, Steve accidentally kicks you off of your bed in his panic.

“Fuck!”

Your brain barely has time to process that you’re awake as you begin to fall. “What–”

Steve manages to catch you from face planting just in time, flinging you back onto the bed as he struggles to untangle himself from the blankets. “Fuck! Sorry!”

“What’s going on?” you rub your eyes and realize that the screeching sound next to you is your alarm. Slamming your hand against it, the cloud of sleep starts to lift from your brain and you realize why Steve is a storm of chaos right now. “Oh, fuck.”

The two of you accidentally fell asleep together last night.

He never went home, he never snuck back out your window with a kiss farewell.

Now, as you take in the situation you’re currently in, you can hear your mother making breakfast in the kitchen, blissfully unaware that there’s a boy in her daughter’s room.

“Yeah, fuck!” Steve shakes at his leg, which is somehow twisted within your bedding and prevents him from escaping. “Get me out!”

“Shit!” You quickly untwist the bedding and free him, but as he rolls off your bed, he misjudges the height and fails to catch himself. He lands with a horrifyingly loud thud, and you throw a pillow at him. “Will you shut up?”

“We need more than just a second to recover your pride.” You crawl out of bed and offer the boy your hand. “Get up, dummy.”

He accepts the help and stands, brushing himself off. “Your bed is freakishly high.”

“Have you ever considered that you’re just clumsy?”

“I’m an athlete, angel.”

You place your hands on his chest and gently shove him towards your window. “Well, if you’re such an athlete, then it should be no problem for you to hop through this window and get to work, Harrington.”

“At least pretend you’re sad to see me leave–”

Someone knocks on your door. “Y/N? You awake yet?”

Hearing Dustin’s voice, you and Steve exchange a horrified look before you’re shoving even harder at his chest to get him out of your room. “Go!”

Steve stumbles over his feet and makes as much sound as humanly possible. He knocks into your desk and sends a stack of comics falling and he almost slips on them, only narrowly catching himself. Frustrated and bewildered that he keeps falling, he exclaims, “Why does this keep happening?”

The knocking on your door stops. A beat of silence passes before Dustin hesitantly calls through the door, “... did I just hear Steve?”

“No!” You almost throw Steve out your window with the force you shove him, which he curses at and gives you a dirty look, though you ignore him. He’s the one who got you into this fantastically horrible mess in the first place. “I–uh. I stubbed my toe!”

You anxiously wait for Dustin’s response, mentally running through all possible explanations in your head, but after a few minutes pass and you don’t hear anything; you exhale with relief. Seemingly sensing that you’re in the clear, Steve breathes out as well. “That was close.”

“Ew!” Your brother’s screech could rival the Demodogs with how loud and terrifying it is.

Gulping, Steve looks at you and laughs nervously. “Whoops?”

You glare at him. “Get out.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He kisses your forehead and does as he’s told, crawling through your window. Thankfully he lands gracefully this time, and as he begins running towards his car parked down the street, he calls over his shoulder, “See you after your shift!”

Despite your annoyance, you can’t help but laugh as you watch him run away. It’s reminiscent of the boyish charm you saw a few years ago, back when you had almost hit his car with your bike and he had pretended not to know your name in order to get you to laugh.

Your reminiscing is cut short by Dustin’s obnoxious groaning. “Oh, god. Why did it get quiet in there? Get off my sister!”

You march over towards your door and fling it open. Your brother stands there, a horrified look on his face, and you glance behind him to make sure your mom is still in the kitchen. When the coast is clear, you sneer at him, “Nothing happened!”

“I’m fourteen, not an idiot.”

“We didn’t do anything.” When Dustin snorts at you, disbelieving, you want to strangle the kid. You’re mortified and cannot fucking believe that your little brother thinks anything else happened between you and Steve. “I swear.”

“See, I’d believe you, but mom…” He shrugs with a smug look on his horrid face. “I don’t know, Y/N.”

You drop your head and sigh, knowing where this is going. “How much money do you want?”

“$5, please. I prefer exact change, too.” He extends his arm out and opens his hand, silently demanding the money.

“You’re horrible, you know that?” You go into your dresser and pull out a five dollar bill before handing it to him.

Clutching the cash, Dustin smirks. “You raised me well.”

“Get out of my room.”

Hearing the anger in your voice, your brother knows he has about five more seconds before you start throwing things at him. “Yes, ma’am.”

–

Work is slow, as usual, and when it’s time to pick up Alex from the pool, you wish Mrs. Waters a good day and get into your mom’s car that you borrowed today. With fewer shifts at the bookshop, Alex has started working at the pool to make extra money; on days when he’s there before a shift at Bookstrordinary, it’s your job to drive him to work.

It’s pouring as you drive to the pool, setting an eerie tone on the first day of July. The summer’s heat causes the thunder to shake your car, and your knuckles are white from how tightly you hold onto the steering wheel.

When you pull up and see Alex hunched over and drenched from the rain, you laugh at him. “Well, looks like someone’s shift ended at the right time,” you say as he quickly jumps into your car.

Alex doesn’t return your good mood. “Not funny, Y/N.”

Sensing that there’s something more to his foul mood than just being rained on, you look over at him in concern as you begin to drive. “Is everything alright over there?”

“Billy and Heather never showed up for work, so we were short handed fending off dumb kids who wanted to swim with lightning.” Alex wrings out his t-shirt and shakes his hair to dispel excess water, and you cringe as some of the water droplets land on you. “Telling a bunch of scary twelve year olds that they can’t swim… I thought I would die.”

The genuine terror in his voice is amusing, though his words unnerve you. It’s not like Billy to just not show up for work. He’s a lot of things, mainly a dickhead, but the few times you’ve driven the party to the pool, he’s always been there working; he’s dedicated to discipline. Hell, you’ve been to Max’s house, you know her family isn’t the wealthiest.

Billy can’t afford to skip work.

“They just… never showed up?”

“Nope,” Alex curls into him in a feeble attempt to warm himself up. “We all think they ditched to hookup.”

You think about how rough Billy had looked yesterday, with fresh blood still dripping from him and the feverish chills he seemed to have. Something hadn’t been right, and a knot forms in your stomach. You highly doubt he had ditched work to go hookup with Heather, not if he’s still in the state that he was in yesterday.

Regardless of what he’s done to you, you hope he’s okay.

Something about this feels wrong.

“Yeah, probably.” Your voice is weak as you respond to your coworker, but he doesn’t seem to pick up on your now solemn mood.

The rest of the car ride is spent with Alex gossiping about where Billy and Heather could be, so it’s a relief when you finally arrive at Bookstrordinary and he leaves your car. You sit in the parking lot for a few minutes, your stomach twists and the knots multiply. The rain patters softly against the windshield in an almost rhythmic pattern as you try to calm yourself down with deep breaths.

The only sound in the car is your own breathing accompanied by the raindrops.

–

It’s Dustin’s idea to spend the day looking for evil Russians.

Steve isn’t sure where he got the binoculars, but at this point he’s learned that it’s best to not question the kid. Makes things easier.

Which leads to now: the two of them hunched behind fake plants at Starcourt sharing binoculars as they look for people who could fit the “evil Russian” description, all while ignoring the fact that Dustin caught Steve in your room.

“I don’t know what an evil Russian looks like.” Steve is holding the binoculars up to his eyes as he scans the food court area. He has no clue what he’s looking for and he swears that Dustin is purposely staring him down to try and get him to confess about this morning.

“Tall, blond, not smiling.” The kid responds, knowing that Steve is trying to distract him with stupid questions. He’s squirming under Dustin’s gaze, which he gets a sick joy out of. Between the $5 you coughed up and Steve’s obvious distress, it’s a pretty good day for Dustin Henderson. “Anyways, look for earpieces, camo, duffel bags, that sort of thing.”

Steve continues to look through the binoculars, relieved that Dustin seems to be playing along and hasn’t hounded him about this morning. “Right, okay. Duffle bags.”

As Steve busies himself with the search, Dustin waits a few seconds to lull him into a false sense of security. He’s been waiting all day to do this. Clearing his throat, he prepares for the attack. “Hey, uh, Steve?”

“Yeah, little Henderson?”

“While you look for evil Russians, keep an eye out for idiots who traumatize their friends by sleeping with their sisters.”

Steve yanks the binoculars away from his face as if they’ve burned him. His eyes are wide and panicked as he turns to Dustin with a horrified look on his face. “That is not what happened!”

“Tell that to the traumatized kid.” The younger teen waves a hand over himself to emphasize his point. “You owe me like, at least five years of therapy.”

“I didn’t sleep with Y/N, dude! That’s–that’s gross–”

“Are you calling my sister gross?” Dustin crosses his arms now, daring Steve to go on.

He groans and rubs his face. “That’s not what I meant, alright? I just… She’s your sister and–and we aren’t even together–”

“That’s a good point, actually.” Dustin snatches the binoculars out of Steve’s hand and starts to look for any signs of Russians. “Why aren’t you with my sister?”

Steve stares at him, dumbfounded. “You’re sending totally mixed signals, dude. Do you want me dating Y/N or not?”

“It’s not preferable, especially when I catch you sneaking out of her window like some skeezy douchebag–”

“How many times do I have to tell you nothing happened–”

“But, besides that,” Dustin shrugs, narrowing his eyes when he sees a possible blond teen who could fit the evil Russian description. “You’re not so bad, even though you’re a massive tool for not asking out the perfect girl right in front of you.”

Steve rolls his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose, entirely over this conversation. “You sound like Robin.”

The blond teen Dustin had been eying sits down and starts eating a hot dog, so he concludes that he isn’t Russian if he has an affinity for American food. “And Robin would be correct. Just ask Y/N out, she’s been waiting for like, at least a year now.”

“It’s not that easy.” Steve slumps over and bangs his head against the plant display they’re leaning against. “I have no idea how to ask her to be my girlfriend.”

“What, do you need my blessing or some shit?” Dustin removes the binoculars from his face and looks at the older teen, making sure to catch his eye. Then, in a horrible British accent, he says, “I give thy my blessing.”

“Thanks, buddy.” Steve deadpans, shoving the kid’s face away from his, uncomfortable with the eye contact. “But your blessing isn’t the problem. Y/N is just–she’s different and has been through a fuck ton of shit that I can’t even comprehend, and I’m just supposed to believe she wants to be with me?”

“Yeah?” Dustin cocks his head at Steve, not all understanding why he’s so confused about this. “You literally slept in her bed last night, man.”

Steve releases a quick breath and scratches his nose. He feels like an idiot and just really wishes you were here right now. “I… Well, yeah. Then there’s that.”

“It astounds me that you were once known as King Steve with a million girls drooling over him.” Dustin mumbles, baffled by the other’s patheticness, before going back to looking for Russians.

“Let’s remember that it was my advice that got you that girlfriend of yours, alright? Girls love me, that’s never been the issue, ” Steve flicks the kid’s nose, a habit he’s picked up from you. “So cool it with the arrogance, dipshit.”

“Steve, do I need to remind you that it’s not okay to call my brother a dipshit?”

Your sudden appearance causes Steve to clutch his chest and scream. He spins around and gasps, terrified of how much you may have heard from his conversation with Dustin. “Y/N! Y-you’re here!”

“I am…” You frown, unsure why he looks so scared; normally he’s excited when you surprise him at work.

“Uh,” Steve clears his throat and straightens his shirt out, trying to come off as collected rather than five seconds away from losing his shit. “I, uh. How much did you hear, ya know. Standing there?”

“Not much…?” Truthfully you’d been lost in thought, still worrying about Billy as you had approached the two teens hiding behind the fake plants. “All I heard was you calling my brother a dipshit.”

Steve deflates, and his reaction only confuses you further. Clearing his throat once more, he nods. “Oh. Yeah.”

You look over at Dustin, hoping for some type of clue as to what the fuck is wrong with Steve right now. “Did I miss something?”

“He was giving me horrible dating advice. Can we get back to looking for evil Russians?”

“Dating advice, huh?” You raise your eyebrows at Steve, who blushes furiously, and you giggle at his misery before turning back to Dustin. You eye the binoculars in his hand and point a finger at them. “And you can’t seriously think you’ll find evil Russians this way, right?”

“You got any better ideas, Y/N?” Your brother snarks as he brings the binoculars back up to his eyes.

You nudge him with your shoulder. “No, but I’m positive I can think of something less childish than whatever this is.”

“Just help us look for someone tall and blond with duffel bags.” Steve sighs.

“Oh, because duffel bags are so scary and Russian.” You roll your eyes at the boys, ashamed of their antics. Their logic is flawed and biased with so many gaping holes, it’s almost comical, but it’s enough to distract you from your anxiety from earlier. “Guys, why can’t we just go back to Scoops and figure out another way–”

“Target acquired.” Dustin suddenly interrupts you.

You share a look with Steve, who leans closer to the kid. “Where?”

“Ten o’clock. Sam Goody’s.”

Steve snatches the binoculars from Dustin’s hands and takes a look for himself, which you scoff at. They’re being ridiculous right now. However, when the older teen exhales in disbelief and announces the person has a duffel bag, your curiosity gets the better of you.

“Hand it over, pretty boy.” Before he can argue, you’ve snatched the binoculars from Steve and bring them up to your own eyes. It takes a few moments for you to find what the boys had been looking at, but when you finally spot the tall, blond man dressed in all black with sunglasses and a duffel bag, you can’t help but admit that he looks suspicious. “Well, I’ll be damned.”

Steve and Dustin turn to each other and say in unison. “Evil Russian.”

The three of you chase after the guy, weaving between the crowd of people at the mall as you trail him. You and Dustin side step a woman with her kid as Steve speeds ahead of you guys. Struggling to keep up, your brother berates Steve to slow down.

“We’re losin’ him.” He responds, only speeding up even more.

“You’re getting too close.” Dustin warns, and you almost trip over your shoelaces in your haste. He’s right, Steve is getting too close to the guy, and it’s making you nervous.

You quicken your footsteps and tug at his uniform. “Steve, we need to be careful–”

Suddenly the Russian looking guy stops in his tracks and slowly begins to turn around. You all scramble and try to appear casual; Dustin runs to the phone and pretends to make a call while Steve pulls you to the corner and places his hands on your waist to pull you close.

“Pretend we’re a couple!” He whispers, throwing your hands over his shoulders.

“This is wholly unnecessary,” you mumble, face burning at the close proximity. His fingers burn your sides, it’s been too long since he’s held you like this.

Steve chuckles at you and pulls you in closer, enjoying the moment far more than you think is needed. “Gotta admit, this is pretty romantic.”

You roll your eyes. “Totally. Super hot hunting down evil Russian spies with you, Steve.”

“Stop sucking face, the guy is getting away!” Dustin yanks at you and tears you from Steve’s grasp, disturbed and annoyed that it only took three seconds before you distracted the teen.

Soon you’re all following the blond guy again, and when he starts to slow down, the three of you hide behind a column and poke your heads out. Watching, you see the guy enter into the Jazzercise studio and pull a speaker from his duffel bag.

“Oh, this is much better than him being a Russian spy.” You snort, entirely amused by how this has all unfolded. The guy unzips his hoodie and reveals an incredibly muscular physique, and you can’t help but bite your lip. “His arms… Oh my.”

Steve sees you eyeing the guy and scrowls. “His arms aren’t that nice. “ He starts pulling you away now, sending death glares at the now confirmed zumba instructor, obviously jealous. You laugh, knowing your comment would annoy him.

“I don’t know, honey. His arms were huge.”

“Please,” Steve rolls his eyes, unamused. “They looked like twigs to me.”

“You and I both know you’re lying.”

Steve groans and kisses your hand as he tugs you towards Scoops Ahoy. “You’re killing me here, angel.”

“It’s what I do best.”

While you and Steve argue, Dustin gags at you both and sighs in disappointment. He listens to you two argue the whole way back to the ice cream shop, and he’s never wanted to bang his head against a wall more. Here Steve is, claiming he can’t ask you out, yet he’s pathetically moping about you finding some random guy’s arms hot.

Dustin thinks the poor guy is doomed.

When you arrive at Scoops, you break away from Steve’s whining and greet Robin. “Dude, you won’t believe the hot zumba instructor we followed–”

The girl rushes past you, not at all acknowledging your presence, as she exits the shop. You stop walking and share a confused look with Dustin and Steve as you all watch Robin run outside and jump on top of one of the benches.

“What the hell?” You follow after her, concerned by her franticness.

Robin is mumbling under her breath when you catch up, repeating the first sentence of the Russian code you deciphered over and over again as she spins and looks around the mall. “A trip to China sounds nice.”

“Hey, is everything okay?”

“A trip to China…” She ignores you as her eyes scan around the area once more. She looks as if she’s searching for something, repeating the phrase to herself.

You look around as well, not fully understanding what she’s doing, but it’s clear she’s at least looking for something to match the sentence. In the center of the food court, all you see are chain restaurants and vendors. Frustrated, you sigh. “Robin, I’m not sure what we’re looking for.”

“There!” She points at a restaurant called the Imperial Panda. “A trip to China!”

Bits of the code start to piece together in your head. If the message corresponds to stores in the mall… Unsure if you’re understanding Robin correctly, you hesitantly point towards the local shoe store up above. “If you tread lightly?”

“Yes! God, I knew you were the smart one in that weird trio!” Robin nods eagerly and tries to recall the rest. “When–when blue and yellow meet in the west. What could that mean?”

You both spin around, trying to find anything that could align with the line. As you’re studying a poster sign, Robin snaps her fingers and nods her head towards the giant clock that hangs below a bay window. Its hands are blue and yellow. “Think this could be it?”

“Robin Buckley, you’re a genius!” You throw your arms around her, in disbelief that she was able to figure the bizarre Russian code out all on her own.

Robin is stiff in your arms for a moment, having not expected the praise, before she slowly melts into the embrace. She coughs slightly, her voice a pitch higher than usual. “It was easy enough to figure out.”

“Robin, Y/N,” Steve and Dustin now join. “What are you two doing?”

“She cracked it!” You pull away from Robin but keep an arm thrown over her shoulder.

Steve frowns. “Cracked what?”

Robin gently shoves your arm off and jumps down the bench she had been on. Stepping towards the boys, she leans in close, a glint in her eye. “I cracked the code.”

–

“Is this even legal?” You shout over the thunder, shivering as the rain from the storm soaks through your clothes and into your bones as you sit with Steve and the others on the mall’s rooftop to spy on Russians.

You’re not at all sure how you ended up in this situation.

When Robin had cracked the code, you figured that the four of you would ask the other mall employees about their delivery shifts. Maybe hide out in Steve’s car and watch for deliveries during the day, eliminate other variables.

What you didn’t think the four of you would do, however, is sneak onto the roof of the mall in the pouring rain for an impromptu stakeout.

Thunder rumbles above you as lightning strikes, causing you to jump further into Steve’s side. He wraps an arm around you and rubs soothing circles to try and comfort you, knowing that this entire situation is your nightmare.

Seeing your fear, Robin tries to reassure you. “We’re fine, Y/N.” Then she turns to Dustin, who is holding his stupid binoculars up as he surveys the group of delivery men below you. “Look for Imperial Panda and Kaufman Shoes.”

Your brother takes a moment to look around before he spots something. “They’re with that whistling guy, ten o'clock.”

You look down and watch the guy cart a series of boxes into the shipment alleyway. “It’s just a bunch of boxes, guys.”

“Sure, but what do you think’s in there?” Steve questions, absentmindedly drawing you closer for warmth when he feels you shiver again. He loaned you his raincoat, but clearly it doesn’t seem to be helping much with how much he can feel you shiver. A twinge of guilt sears through him for putting you through this in the first place.

“Guns, bombs?” Dustin guesses.

Robin throws in her own suggestions. “Chemical weapons?”

“How about delicious noodles and sensible shoes? Why haven’t we considered those as options?” Your teeth are chattering now as more rain slams against you.

“Shut up, Y/N.” Dustin raises his binoculars up again. “Whatever it is, they’re armed to the teeth.”

“Armed?” You exclaim as more thunder clashes. Your switchblade warms in your pocket ominously; you didn’t sign up for men wielding fucking weapons.

“Great.” Steve wipes water out of his face, feeling just as overwhelmed and defeated as you. “That’s great.”

The metal doors in the alleyway start to open, and faintly you can see the outline of more boxes within the storage room, it looks almost like a vault, though it’s hard to tell. Next to you, Robin squints as well. “What’s in there?”

“It’s just more boxes.” Dustin has to raise his voice in order to be heard over the rain.

Steve reaches for the binoculars. “Let me beck it out.”

However, he only ends up in an intense game of tug-of-war with Dustin as they start to fight over the binoculars. They grapple over it, argue about who needs it more, before the rain causes the thing they’re fighting over to slip out of their hands and bang harshly against the guardrail.

The noise rings out through the night and catches the men’s attention from below. Gasping, you yank everyone down before they can see you. Instinctively your hand reaches for Steve’s while Robin reaches for your other hand. With your backs to the ground, the four of you pant as the adrenaline of almost being caught courses through you.

Steve looks over at you to make sure you’re okay, and his eyes land on Robin’s fingers intertwined through yours. He frowns a bit, finding the physical affection from her odd, but sends her teasing wink.

When Robin sees his wink, she only clenches her jaw and turns away before releasing your hand.

–

“Well, I think we found your Russians.” Robin says as you all re-enter the mall.

“That was too close.” You mutter, wringing out your soaked t-shirt as your hair drips onto the floor. While the others seem to have already forgotten how the men with giant guns almost found you on the roof, you haven’t. It’s been on your mind the last ten minutes; it’s all you can fucking think about.

You’re in too deep again. You can feel it.

Dustin passes you and now walks in step with Robin. “What’s our plan now?”

“Well, strange child, I think it’s obvious that we gotta break into the vault.”

“I’m sorry?” You step in between them now, not at all liking what you’re hearing. “No one is breaking into anything. Do you have any idea how dangerous and stupid that is?”

“C’mon, Y/N, loosen up a little!” Dustin whines, wanting you to just be on his side for once.

“Loosen up? Guys, this is serious.” You look around at the others, lacing your voice with urgence. “We could be dealing with a national crisis, this isn’t just some stupid spy mission. We aren’t at all qualified to handle this.”

“I mean, aren’t we?” Steve hesitantly speaks up. When your angry eyes meet his, he flinches slightly. “Y/N, I know you’re scared, but–”

“I’m not scared.”

“We’ve been through… a lot,” his eyes flick over towards Robin, knowing she’s listening and that he can’t reveal too much. “All we’re doing is breaking into a vault. I mean, c’mon. We can do that, easily.”

Dustin nods eagerly at Steve’s words and Robin hums in approval. The three of them seem to almost form a unit against you, which makes you draw into yourself. Suddenly you feel like the odd man out, with no one on your side. Feeling panicked and defensive, your anger rises. “We shouldn’t have to break into anything! We can call Hopper, tell him what’s happening and at least have someone else on our side in case something happens.”

“Oh, like Hopper would believe us.” Dustin scoffs at you as if you’re some idiot, which doesn’t help the insecurity you feel.

“I know he’d listen to me.” You still regret having not called Hopper two years ago when you had found El in the woods. Had you told him about her sooner, about everything sooner, you know that you would’ve saved your brother and everyone else the heartache they endured because of you.

You can’t make the same mistake again. You refuse to.

Robin tries to appease you. “Look, we can just take a peek inside the vault, maybe dig through a box or two, then we can rat the Russians out to the cops! I promise, we won’t be doing anything dangerous.”

“We don’t know that.”

Your words ring throughout the empty hallway the four of you stand in. An echo follows them, as if taunting you of your fears and worries, and no one says anything else. You all stand there, frozen, with Robin, Steve, and Dustin facing you. As if there’s a line now dividing them from you.

Steve’s heart pounds in his chest as your eyes land on him, silently pleading with him to say something, anything. “Y/N…”

But he can’t. Even though he heard the rising anxiety in your voice, even though he knows the weight behind the words you’ve yelled, Steve can’t meet your eye.

He knows that you carry so much guilt within you, and he wishes he could offer you more. He’s torn between wanting to defend you and ease the fear that you’ve confessed to him before, how you feel this overwhelming need to protect the ones you love, but he also wants to follow through with the Russians. To see where it takes him, if he can redeem himself.

You stand before the three others, chest rising and falling rapidly, wondering if you’ve gone too far this time.

Dustin is the one who steps forward first. He stares at you for a moment, his eyes sad, knowing that there’s more to your reluctance than just the possible danger. He understands how hard you fight to keep him safe, and how much harder you blame yourself when something goes wrong. With a sigh, your brother grabs your hand and starts to pull you away from the others.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Dustin says to Steve and Robin. Then, with an uncharacteristically gentle voice, he says to you, “let’s go home.”

You’re too tired to argue and you’re afraid you’ll start crying if you try to say anything else, so you follow after your brother and leave Steve and Robin alone in the hall.

–

At home, you lay in bed trying to ignore the twisting feeling in your stomach that you’ve let everyone down. That you’ve let Steve down. You’ve never really argued with him before, at least not like this. You’re not even sure if you can call what happened earlier an argument, and the thought makes you groan and shove your face into your pillows.

You’re exhausted.

As your thoughts spiral, your phone rings.

“Hello?”

“Hey, bug.”

Jonathan’s voice settles over you in slow, soothing waves. You close your eyes, having not known how much you needed him until now. “Hi, bee.”

“You sound tired.” He notes with slight worry, always able to read you.

You sigh. “It’s… been a long day.”

He hums over the phone, and the sound is familiar and lovely, though just as tired. “You too, huh?”

“I take it you’re not doing too well, either?”

“No,” he sighs, a slight gruffness to it. “Meet me in your driveway in ten minutes?”

“Deal.”

He hangs up and you crawl out of bed, despite your aching bones protesting. You throw on a hoodie knowing to ward off July’s brisk night air and lazily lace up your sneakers. Slowly, so as to not make any loud noise, you open your door and poke your head out.

The house is quiet. Your mom and Dustin must be asleep in their rooms, so you softly close your door and make your way outside.

It doesn’t take long before Jonathan’s car pulls into your driveway. He has his headlights off, long familiar with the routine of picking you up late at night for drives around town. The two of you used to do it every night the summer he first got his license.

You get into the car and the heat kisses your cheeks. Jonathan greets you with a tired smile as you put your seatbelt on, and when you nod your head at him, he starts the car and drives.

Neither of you say anything for a while as Jonathan drives the route you always take together. He has an old mix tape playing and you hum along, familiar with the songs. It’s peaceful, your fears from earlier have now faded; for now, it’s just you and Jonathan as you drive around Hawkins.

“I’m sorry for being M.I.A recently.” He finally says after a while. You sit up a bit, knowing he’s ready now to talk about what’s brought him here tonight. The two of you never just drive around anymore for the fun of it, you know he’s here because there’s something bothering him. “Nancy has been… worrying me.”

You lean closer to Jonathan, now concerned. “Is everything okay between you two?”

“Honestly?” He breathes in shakily. “I–I don’t know.”

“Talk to me, bee.” You grab his hand that rests on the stick shift.

And he does. He explains about a woman named Mrs. Driscoll who called the Hawkins Post and how Nancy had decided to check out the story without telling their boss, roping Jonathan into it. He explains the rat they saw at the woman’s house, how it had looked sick, maybe infected with rabies, and how he had taken pictures of it to show their boss.

When Nancy showed the men at the newspaper what they found, they had all laughed and belittled her.

As Jonathan tells the story, he shakes his head in anger. “They were horrible to her, bug.”

You sigh, feeling awful for Nancy as well. “She’s smarter than all those men combined. She deserves better.”

“She does,” Jonathan shakes his head again. “But Tom, our boss, ordered her to drop the story. But Nancy…”

“Refuses to back down?” You guess, knowing how stubborn and passionate the girl is.

Jonathan swallows. “Yeah.”

“What happened tonight, Jonathan?” You sense there’s something he isn’t telling you, that there’s more to this than just men being shitty to Nancy at work.

“Nance, she–uh. She wouldn’t back down, even after I told her I was scared we’d get fired if we kept investigating Mrs. Driscoll, but she–she needed to prove she was right and I just–I can never tell her no. She’s relentless, ambitious, it’s what I love about her, but… Y/N, we found Mrs. Driscoll eating fertilizer after breaking into her house.”

“Oh my god,” you gasp and drop Jonathan’s hand. “Is she okay? What happened?”

“I don’t know.” Jonathan clenches his jaw. “We called for help and they took her to the hospital. When I dropped Nancy off at home, she… She wants to go visit the woman in the hospital.”

You’re silent for a moment, now understanding why Jonathan seems so shaken up. “Nancy still wants her story.”

“She does.”

“And you think she’s going too far.”

“I do.”

You sigh. “Jonathan…”

“I don’t know what to do, Y/N!” He raises his voice now, his anger surfacing. “I mean, we could get fired and she doesn’t seem to care! When Tom finds out that we’re the ones who put Mrs. Driscoll in the hospital… I–I can’t lose this job, bug. I can’t. Especially not because of some douchebags my girlfriend wants to prove wrong.”

As Jonathan unravels, your heart aches for both him and Nancy. It’s a tough situation, you understand both sides, and you can’t imagine having to go through any of it.

Sighing, you grab his hand again and try to find the right words. “You have every right to feel scared, bee. I completely understand, this job means so much more to you than just some summer activity like it does for Nancy, but…” You bite your lip, worried you’ll say the wrong thing. “I also think Nancy’s ambition is admirable. From the stories she’s told me, those men are fucking vile and treat her like shit. I think you should try being more supportive of her.”

“How am I supposed to be supportive if I lose my job?”

You sigh again. “By holding her hand and recognizing that while it’s hard being poor in this world, it’s also hard being a woman. Both of you have a reason to be upset, and while I’m not saying it’s fair of Nancy to disregard your financial situation, I think you both need to sit down and talk about this without the other getting defensive.”

Jonathan rolls his eyes. “Neither one of us gets defensive.”

“You two are the most defensive and prideful people I’ve ever met, it’s a miracle you haven’t fought until now.”

He laughs at this, knowing you’re right. “Maybe another conversation wouldn’t hurt… I just, what’s going to happen tomorrow?”

You shrug. “I can’t tell you that, but I can tell you that you’ll need Nancy just as much as she’ll need you, okay?”

“It frustrates me how you always manage to say the right thing.”

“You’ve known me for years now, it’s your fault for not getting used to it.”

Jonathan laughs again and his shoulders relax, his anger and fear now dissipating. While he’s still unsure what tomorrow will bring, he knows that at least he’ll have you. Then the two of you drive past Steve’s house and Jonathan remembers how tired you sounded earlier on the phone.

“So, we gonna talk about why you had such a long day today?” Though it’s phrased as a question, you know that Jonathan understands if you don’t want to answer.

However, your own fears weigh heavily on your mind and you indulge him, because you always do. “Dustin intercepted a Russian code a few days ago and roped Steve, Robin, and I into helping him decipher it.”

“A Russian code?”

“Yeah. Not sure if I can explain it any better than that, honestly.”

Jonathan raises his eyebrows at you. “Is it anything dangerous?”

“I don’t know,” you groan, dropping your head into your knees. “That’s the million dollar question right now. Dustin and everyone else wants to keep investigating this, they want to break into a goddamn vault, and I just… I have a bad feeling about this, bee.”

“What does Steve think about all of this?” His voice is light, but his hands tighten ever so slightly on the steering wheel. You see this and look away, knowing he won’t like what you’re about to say.

“He’s why I sounded so tired earlier,” you confess, eyes closed. “He wouldn’t listen to me tonight, and I just–”

You stop mid sentence, your words catching in your throat. Jonathan looks over at you with concern and makes a quick decision to pull to the side of the road and park. “Hey, bug. Look at me.” Swallowing back tears, you do as you’re told. When your eyes meet his, Jonathan brings your hand to his lips. “Talk to me.”

“I’m terrified he’ll be another ‘almost.”

Jonathan’s lips ghost over your hands and you feel his breath stutter slightly at your words. He knows the pain that comes with “almost”, he knows he’s the reason why the word stings your tongue as you say it out loud. “He’s not another ‘almost’, Y/N.”

“I don’t know anymore.” Tears start to fall down your face and you’re mortified. You hate the words coming out of your mouth, they feel like a betrayal to Steve and the promise you made him, and you hate that you’re saying all this to Jonathan. “He–he seems interested, sometimes, but it’s July now and–and he hasn’t… He couldn’t even look me in the eye tonight, Jonathan.”

Jonathan doesn’t say anything. He can’t say anything.

You’re crying in his passenger seat over a boy you love, a boy who isn’t him, and all Jonathan can do is hold your hands as you cry.

“I’m sorry, bug.” He apologizes for more than just your upset over Steve. Jonathan apologizes for it all, for the years between you two, for the almosts and what if’s and missed chances.

“Yeah. I am, too.” You wipe your eyes, embarrassed now. “Can you, uh, take me home, please?”

Jonathan nods and wordlessly starts the car again.

It feels like last year, back to being unsure about love and relationships and being exhausted by it all, and you can’t help but laugh at the irony of it. The small laugh turns into a louder one, then into full body hysterics, and Jonathan worries for a second that you’ve lost your mind. “Y/N, you’re scaring me a little.”

You clutch at your stomach and laugh even harder. “S-sorry, I just–oh my god. I can’t believe I–I’m here again.”

“I’m lost.”

“Just drive, bee.” You try to calm yourself down, though giggles still rise through your chest. You think you’re delirious, honestly.

Yet some things never change, and it feels good to be in Jonathan’s car and breathless from laughter, even if your heart aches as you do so.

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buckleyx · 1 year

Note

pls a fic about buck from 911 with reader who is v short (like 5'2) and he likes to cuddle on her chest lots of fluff thanks

CUDDLES AND KISSES

the gif i used is not mine! all credit goes to the owner! - This is such a pretty Gif <;33

Author’s note: Hello it is I. I'm back baby!! NEW EPISODES NEW ME YEAHH. Enjoy my friend as I feed you with this content.

I was really inspired by this request so thank you, thank you, thank you anon.

Evan buckley x gender!neutral reader

Warnings: FLOOFFF and cuddly Buck but also mentions of the coma he has in season 6

masterlist

"I'm cold." You whined, pulling the blanket closer to your chest. Buck smiled, stretching his arms before moving closer to you. The couch made a funny sound as he smoothly tried to scoot over. You giggled at the action which made him crack a smile of his own. The corners of his mouth curled up, the sound of your laughter sounding like heaven to his ears.

Since Buck's accident, he's been pretty much stuck at home. Not that you really minded, helping him recover was one of your top priorities now. You even took some time off of work. Just a couple weeks, just until he was feeling better you promised.

"Feeling better now?" He asked. You pretended to hesitate, nuzzling your face against his chest. "Yeahhhh, I'll be alright." You teased. Another chuckle escaped his lips, pressing a kiss to your head.

Oh, how he wished he could stay in this moment forever. He felt so at ease, so peaceful and safe when he was with you.

You thoughtlessly watched the tv show that was playing while you played with the soft cotton hem of his shirt. Twisting it around your fingers. Unconsciously Buck was doing the same thing but with your other hand. His finger caressing the palm of your hand.

You stayed like this for a couple of minutes before the silence was interrupted by soft yawn. Buck pushed his face to the side before blinking a few times. Evan would feel tired often, something the doctors warned him about after he woke up from the coma.

You noticed it in him too, after a few simple task he would already be feeling sleepy. He hated it. Especially during moments like these. Even after sleeping full hours he still would feel like he hasn't slept a wink. He just wants to be with you, do simple things again with you. But it takes time. Healing takes time.

"I'm I such bad company?" You teased, perking your head up to look at him, a smile plastered on your face. Evan laughed softly while caressing your cheek with his thumb. "You? Never!" He smiled but couldn't help but feel a slight quilt forming about ruining this beautiful moment.

You noticed the shift in his eyes and wanted to tell him for the millionth time that he doesn't have to apologize or feel bad about this. He needs to heal.

Before he could say anything you poked his side, tickling him to take his mind of it. "Hey!" He laughed loudly before tickling you back. You jumped up at his fingers tickling your skin. You playfully fought back, making your way from his chest to his torso. You carefully sat up and strangeld his torso. He rested his hands on your hips to help you sit up as you proceeded to tickle his stomach. A playfull "yelp" escaped his lips as he tried holding your hands, laughter filling the room.

After his failed attempts of winning you over he called for a truce. It fell quiet again as you both tried catching your breaths after all the giggles. Here and there a small giggle manged to escape again, making you both smile like children.

Buck sat up again, positioning your hips so you were sitting more comfortable on his lap. Your legs strangled his torso. His hands grabbed your cheecks. He played with your hair before peppering your face with small kisses. "I'm so lucky to have you." He whispered. You smiled, looking at his lips before giving him a kiss. His eyes fluttered shut, deepening the kiss at your approval.

"I love you." You whispered back after a few seconds. The buckley secured his arms against your back before swiftly switching positions. You were laying with your head against the couch, he gave you a loving smile and a kiss before resting his head against your tummy. He wrapped his arms against your upper body, nestling his nose against your skin just like you did before with him.

He felt so happy, so goddamm lucky to have you. How he wished he could capture moments like this forever. Dream in them away and stay with you forever.

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wildlife4life · 2 months

Text

Fuck-It Friday Coda

Tagged by the amazing @hippolotamus @jesuisici33 @wikiangela and @tizniz (who dropped a whole new fic!) Thank you so much! Hope you all are just as hyped for bi-buck as I am!!!!!!! Not much to say than what's being said everywhere for 7x04. Here is my coda this historic episode and it can be read on ao3 as well. Enjoy!

It’s never really a surprise anymore whenever Buck runs into Tommy at the 118’s favorite hook and ladder bar. Hell, before they broke up, Tommy took him to this bar on a couple dates. Awkward dates but dates all the same.

Buck is waiting for the latest rounds of drinks at the bar when a familiar hand lands on his shoulder, “Hey Evan.”

He whirls around and comes face to face with the very man that opened Buck up to whole new world. “H-h-hey Tommy.” He greets nervously, gaze flickering over to where his team, Maddie, Athena, and some friends from dispatch sat.

Tommy catches it and smirks, “Here with the entire crew huh? What’s the cause for this meet up? Didn’t see or hear about any big Buckley heroics over the radio waves.”

Buck finally catches Eddie attention, and his partner stiffens slightly at the sight of Tommy. They were all still friends, mostly, but after the pilot ended things with Buck, sides were taken… in more ways than one.

“You lied back then. In your loft, before I kissed you.” Tommy stated, staring out the hanger doors, hands shoved deep into his flight suit’s pockets.

Wretchedness gripped Buck’s throat tightly. He knew where this was headed, and for just the briefest moment he wanted to fight it. Fight for what he and Tommy had. “I didn’t lie. I wanted to get to know you, I thought-I still think you are cool, and I just wanted you see that.” His voice was high and tight with the brittle lie.

Tommy shook his head and Buck caught his grimacing smile, “Buck you need to stop lying to yourself and open your damn eyes. I have and you want to know what I saw?” His voice cracked with anguish.

Buck’s lower lip trembled, and he could feel the prickle of tears. He didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to face it. Because if he opened his eyes to what Tommy is seeing, the despair would be 10 times worse than what he’s facing at the time.

Always the bravest of two of them, Tommy scoffed at Buck’s silence and pushed on, “You weren’t vying for my attention. You never have. Evan you never did any sort of chasing in this relationship, I did. I so was blinded by how endearing and open you were about your best friend, that I failed to see you misplacing you’re confused emotions onto the nearest person showing you affection. Me.”

The tears began to flow when Buck shook his head, “No Tommy. I liked you; I just didn’t know about that part of myself until you showed it to me.” He tried defending.

His boyfriend snorted, “Liked. Past. Not present.”

And Buck’s heart dropped into his gut.

Finally, Tommy looked at him and everything in his stomach becomes rancid at the utter heartbreak on the older man’s face, “I’m glad I could help you embrace your bisexuality. Truly I am. I know how freeing it can be. But Evan, those feelings you’ve have for men, for that one special man have always been there and instead of facing them, you took the easy way out with me. And fuck man, it hurts. It really does.”

“Tommy…” Buck started, but Tommy’s hand gripping his wrist silenced him.

“Evan-Buck. Its-well it’s not entirely okay, but you didn’t know or see and neither did I. At least not until you came back from Chim’s bachelor party. You two couldn’t even look each other in the eye and you’ve been off since.”

That’s because he and Eddie got into the biggest fight of their lives during Chimney’s bachelor weekend. Because Eddie had been acting off since Buck came out, even though he promised nothing would change. Because Buck once again became enviously green when Eddie kept his attention on the private bar tender. Because Eddie looked Buck in the eye and asked, ‘Why does he get that part of you?’ in the middle of their screaming match that Buck still has no idea how it started but ended there. Because they both walked away, too scared to confront any of those feelings. Because Buck knew deep down, he wanted to give everything he was giving to Tommy, to Eddie and so much more.

“You are such a wonderful man Buck and I know it was never your intention to hurt anyone. But us being together, it’s destroying me and you and...” Tommy sucked in a sharp breath, “And Eddie.”

And there it was. Everything that Buck has been denying since Tommy confronted him in his loft. The person who was really behind Buck’s complex and confused emotions those few months ago. It was time Buck accepted it. It was time to open his eyes. It was time to let Tommy go.

Buck let out a sob and tugged Tommy into a tight embrace, “I’m sorry, I really am.”

Tommy sniffled, “You have nothing to apologize for Evan.” He pulled back and put Buck at arm’s length, giving him a wet smile, “I was more than honored to be your queer awakening and guru.”

Buck barked out a soggy laugh, “You turned my entire world on its axis man, but in the best way possible.”

“You’re a special one Evan and Eddie… god what you two have and what it can be.” Tommy shook his head chuckling, “I can’t stand in the way of that anymore.”

The younger firefighter stuttered out a breath, “I think that’s more on me than you.” And gets a hum of agreement from his now ex-boyfriend. He stuck a hand out, “Friends?”

Tommy didn’t even hesitate and slapped his own hand into Buck’s, squeezing tight, “Absolutely. Just give me some time, and yourself as well.”

Buck took two days after the break-up to mourn what had been his best relationship to date, to wallow in his unknown carelessness, and to confront those mixed emotions that drew him to Tommy in the first place. Then he packed his duffle and went to work.

Chimney was the first to confront him since Tommy turned down a night out at the karaoke bar and explained that he and Buck broke up. Hen followed because those two paramedics tell each other everything. Bobby reminded Buck that he was willing to listen before giving his shoulder a squeeze. Ravi seemed, relieved, but sympathetic. And Eddie pulled him into the tightest embrace asking, “Why?”

Buck didn’t give him the entire answer. Simply stated, “It wasn’t working.”

Months later Buck gave him the entire truth by taking a page out Tommy’s book and kissing Eddie senseless with a firm grip on his chin. Eddie, who was babbling away in his kitchen about not seeing what was in front of him and desperate to know if Buck is willing to give Eddie every part of himself, kissed Buck back with ferocity. When they pulled apart Buck finally told him why Tommy ended things, “He saw what we were all too scared to look at.”

That was almost a month ago and Buck is deliriously happy with his life, with his boyfriend, with Eddie. He doesn’t need to be weird or nervous around the man that helped lead him here. So, he winks at Eddie, telling him it’s all good, and gives his attention to Tommy. “No big newsworthy rescues. Though Chimney did rescue his 100th cat.”

Tommy shakes his head laughing, “An almost impossible feat.”

“Very much so.” Buck comments, “We’re here to celebrate Maddie’s promotion at dispatch. Officially a supervisor.”

“Hey good for her!” Tommy exclaims, “Honestly surprised it took this long. Her voice seems to be on all the major calls lately.”

Buck nods, “Yea. Would have been a different ending for all of us after the bridge collapse last year if it weren’t for my sister.”

“Man, you Buckley’s and your heroism.”

Buck blushes, Tommy Kinnard always the charmer. The other man smirks, knowing the effect he has on him still. “You look good Buck. Happy. Wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain firefighter that’s all over your Instagram lately? Hm?”

As if summoned by Tommy’s mere mention of him, a red Henley covered arm snakes its away around Buck’s waist and warmth lines up along his back. “Hey Tommy, good to see yuh man.” Eddie greets smoothly before nuzzling close to Buck’s ear, “Get that drink order in yet babe?” He asks just loud enough to be overheard by certain people close by.

The pilot’s smirk broadens, but gives a friendly slap to Eddie’s back, “Good to see yuh too Diaz. Been a minute.”

Eddie nods and his nose moves along Buck’s jaw at the movement, making him tremble, “It has. Maybe we can meet up to spar sometime.”

Before his bisexual awakening and the admittance of his true feelings, hearing his boyfriend make plans with another man would have sent him on a downward spiral. Now, thanks in part to Tommy, Eddie, his sister, and the entirety of the 118, but mostly himself, Buck is secure and at peace with his place in their lives, in Eddie’s life.

But that still doesn’t stop his big hearted, ever thoughtful boyfriend from asking, “I know I’ve only taught you the basics, but you could join Evan.”

Buck leans back into Eddie’s embrace and brushes his lips against his partner’s cheek, “Hmm. I’d rather go for the title on more equal grounds, and I really want to save myself the embarrassment of Tommy seeing my ass get kicked.”

His ex snorts out a laugh, while Eddie’s cheeks pinken at Buck’s innuendo of the actual kind of sweaty, half naked situation they want to be in. “Still shameless as ever huh Evan?” Tommy comments.

Buck shrugs, “Nothing to be ashamed of. My boyfriend is hot and I prefer to have my ass handed to me in more intimate ways. But you two can kick, spin, and punch your little hearts out. I’ll enjoy some time with Christopher, maybe even take him to a field and play the much superior sport, football.”

“God you really do not like basketball huh?” Tommy retorts with a shake of his head, probably remembering the first and last time they played, ending with Buck almost breaking Eddie’s ankle in a confused jealous rage.

“I won’t let him near anything orange and spherical.” Eddie jokes giving Buck a tight squeeze. “But if you are up to it, I would love to come over and go a few rounds. You do have a pretty sweet set up.”

The LAFD piolet grins, “Bring the Chevelle too, we can give it a once over.”

Buck makes a mental reminder to give the back seat of said car a good cleaning because the last time he and Eddie drove it out, Buck took Eddie apart in back seat and a t-shirt wipe down definitely did not suffice as ‘clean up’.

Eddie clears his throat, and his blush deepens. Yea, he’s thinking the same. “Sounds good. I’ll shoot you text and set up a time.”

Knowing the conversation is coming to an end, Buck flags down the bar tender before looking over at Tommy, “You should join us. Drinks are on,” He pauses trying to remember who lost the credit card roulette and laughs when it comes to him, “Drinks are on Josh.”

Tommy softens at the invitation, “Drinks with the 118, haven’t done that in a while. I’m in. Miller lite to start.”

Buck laughs, “Yea I know. Go join the others, Eddie and I got this.”

“Yea, I know you do. BuckandEddie, the dream team. Happy for you both, truly.” Tommy kindly states, then gives a shoulder pat to the two of them before strolling away to join the 118 and dispatchers. They faintly hear loud cheers and greetings when he gets close, their friends and family always happy to see the man who put his life and career on the line for them.

Buck places their drink order and when the bar tender slides away, Eddie pulls him back into his chest and growls into his ear, “You may not be green with envy anymore, but I sort of am.”

A shiver runs down Buck’s spine at his boyfriend’s possessive tone and knew all too well that their time at the bar was going to be short lived…unless.

“It’s no Chevelle, but the jeep is parked pretty close.” Buck breathlessly tells him.

Eddie gives him a wicked grin, “You want to take me in the jeep?”

“Wanna go for another title?”

I put in so many references from the episode and previous episodes too, as mini celebration to the 100th episode. Hope you all enjoyed! If you want to know when I drop coda fic go interact with my pinned post. Tagging (no pressure): @try-set-me-on-fire @devirnis @bi-buckrights @exhuastedpigeon @cal-daisies-and-briars @bidisasterbuckdiaz @rainbow-nerdss @daffi-990 @dangerpronebuddie @theotherbuckley @watchyourbuck @perfectlysunny02 @aroeddiediaz @loserdiaz @diazsdimples @fortheloveofbuddie @rogerzsteven @lemonzestywrites @evanbegins @bi-buck-coded @glorious-spoon @thekristen999 @spotsandsocks @sunshinediaz @lover-of-mine @hoodie-buck @elvensorceress @bucksbiawakening @giddyupbuck @goforkinard @bekkachaos @thewolvesof1998 @eddiebabygirldiaz @spaceprincessem @bibuckbuckley @honestlydarkprincess @doublecheekeddiaz @prosperdemeter2 @transboybuckley @nmcggg @monsterrae1 @missmagooglie @bigfootsmom @911onabc @911-on-abc @homerforsure

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stellarbit · 2 months

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Tech's Calculations

This edges on NSFW, but only slightly. Lots of tension though 1.5k words

You and Tech find yourselves alone on the Marauder. Little do you know Tech has been playing you like a fiddle.

I'm fixated on these men and probably going to be popping out little drabbles while I crawl out of my skin waiting for a new episode. Tech is my main man so he gets the first spotlight. Enjoyyyy

After the Batchers made a jealous fuss about your ties with the 501st legion, you honestly didn’t expect much to change. At most you’d continue to gradually get closer.

That was not the case.

Whatever illusion you had of their physical boundaries vanished within a rotation. How you overlooked their constant intrusion of each other’s personal space, you’d never know. Wrecker tended towards ‘love taps,’ if you could even call them that with how hard he hit. Hunter started herding you around with his hands whenever he deemed necessary. Crosshair maintained the most distance, but his getting in your space for teasing snide remarks was on the rise. Out of all of them, Echo changed the least.

You knew Echo the longest, credited to your shared history with the 501st, and were the most at ease with. He felt more brotherly than the others and made a habit of being the one to tend your wounds or adjust armor you couldn’t reach.

The most changed with Tech. At least on your part. His straightforward approach to things had him moving on impulse. He always pushed you out of the way or reached over you to grab something or make adjustments, his focus more on the task at hand than personal space. On occasion he fully leaned over you, hand on one shoulder and draped over your other to move for you. It happened once when you failed to activate a safety device while piloting. Another time as you were tweaking your blaster in an ‘ill advised and inefficient manner’ as Tech put it. And, most often, as you played dejarik.

Generally, you managed to keep your cool when the boys got in your space. It proved more difficult with Tech. With his observational skills it didn’t go unnoticed.

Tech noticed changes. He was fixated from your initial, and colorful, reaction to his touch. He found himself instigating you, seeing what interactions elicited what physical reactions to you. While reaching over you to activate the Marauder’s safety device, he purposely pressed into you to see your behavioral and physiological reactions up close.

Tech took note of the absent blush, the momentary hitch in your breathing, and, most interestingly, the way your legs squeezed together. Each time, he found himself struggling to suppress the urge to use his hands to provoke even more reactions, torn between his growing attraction and his analytical restraint.

Between missions, and especially when you were bunked directly across from him in the Marauder, he found himself replaying those little moments and wondering what was next to test.

The perfect opportunity came when a section of your armor’s thigh plate cracked off. Echo, Hunter, and Wrecker were off ship wrapping up your current mission. Leaving you and Tech to prep Marauder and prepare for any emergency pick ups.

Your thigh plate wasn’t just chipped; it had bent inwards and stubbornly refused release. As someone who had taken to armor begrudgingly after joining the Batch, you despised every moment spent in it. Being a Jedi trained in cloth, the weight and restriction of armor grated on your nerves.

“Dank farik!” You hissed as you lost purchase on the thigh plate once more.

Echo was nowhere to assist, allowing Tech his chance.

“At the angle it is bent, the anchoring device will need to be disassembled in order to remove your plate,” he stated matter-of-factly, wasting no time in gathering the necessary tools for the job. “An easy and swift task for me.” From the corner of his eye he caught you defeatedly drop your head

Perched on the lowest cot, you sat with your elbows resting on your knees, leaving just enough space for Tech to maneuver between them. As he slid into the gap, your legs instinctively attempted to close, inadvertently squeezing around Tech's torso. You let out a nervous laugh, "Didn’t mean to crush you there, sorry."

Recognizing the need for caution, Tech responded calmly, "Your thighs are not capable of exerting enough force to crush me. I am fine." He met your gaze, his expression conveying both reassurance and a hint of uncertainty. "Close contact is necessary for me to access the anchoring device. Please inform me if you feel uncomfortable, and I will cease immediately." Despite his eagerness to proceed, Tech prioritized your comfort above all else, silently hoping for your consent to continue.

You blinked at him once, then twice, before closing your eyes and letting your head fall back. “Do what you need to do. Just get this thing off of me.” Your nonchalant response took Tech by surprise, unexpected based on your previous reactions to him.

With your eyes still closed, you leaned back against the cot, almost as if basking in the sun. Tech cautiously slid his gloved hand up your thigh plate, keenly observing for any sign of discomfort or hesitation from you. His thumb grazed your inner thigh, a touch that unexpectedly jolted you back to attention. Tech quickly averted his gaze back to the task at hand, pretending not to notice your reaction.

Pressing his thumb into your thigh to gain better access to the jammed anchor, Tech meticulously worked on dismantling the piece. As his thumb smoothed over your thigh, gradually moving higher, you couldn't help but twitch involuntarily. Sensing your reaction, Tech glanced up, adjusting his thumb ever so slightly. “Are you alright?” he inquired, noting the pink splotches creeping up your throat.

You sat up a little more, really looking at Tech and taking in the sight of him between your legs. Between your legs with a finger inches from the apex of your thighs. Watching a second longer, a thought occurred to you. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s doing it on purpose.

Deciding to play along, you flashed him a reassuring smile. “Sure am.” You hummed, spreading your legs slightly wider. “All yours, Tech.” He didn’t continue immediately, but kept his eyes on you. You pushed a little more. “Unless you’re stuck on what to do next.”

Tech didn’t break eye contact as he lowered the spanner and pressed his thumb into your thigh once more. His action elicited a new reaction from you—you bit your lip. “I apologize if that is sensitive,” Tech said, his voice laced with more amusement than usual, as he continued his work.

Tech's gaze remained fixated on you, carefully noting every detail of the interaction. With a calculated ease, he maneuvered his hand between your thigh and the armor, deftly releasing the plate. As his hand flattened against your leg, he proceeded methodically, sliding his hand down inch by inch to slide the thigh plate off.

Even after the task was completed, Tech lingered, his hands remaining in place. There was a brief pause between you two until you brought your legs back together to close in on him.

"Is this how Echo typically removes your armor?" Tech inquired in a low breath.

You managed a breathy, "No."

In response, Tech adjusted his grip, his lower hand now circling to the back of your thigh while the other lightly gripped your inner thigh. A shiver ran through you, accompanied by a soft sound escaping your lips.

"Is this how you typically react to Echo touching you?" Tech's asked more confidently than before..

You leaned in closer, meeting his gaze. "What is your hypothesis?"

"I haven't observed you and Echo in such a position," Tech admitted. "Thus, I don't have enough factual data to accurately hypothesize. But my hope is that no, you do not. I think I'd like to be the only one you react to in this way."

An ache bloomed between your legs, just above his fingers. Your hips rock forward just enough that his teasing touch brushed onto your aching bits.

“Tech,” Hunter’s voice broke the silence but still neither of you moved. Tech’s hand remained in place. “Is the ship ready to go? We are inbound and ready to get off this force forsaken planet.

Before Tech moved his hand, you leaned forward to activate the comm for him and bring your face within inches of his.

“Everything is in order.” A subtle crack in Tech’s usually composed demeanor was evident as he responded, “Ready when you are.”

You released the comm at the same time Tech pressed his hand into you and you hissed at the sweet pressure. His eyes widened slightly and in an awe struck voice he said, “Fascinating.” With that he pulled away and stood, leaving you aching even more.

“It would not be ideal to be discovered in this position.” He extended a hand to help you stand. “Although, I look forward to finding myself in such a position in the near future.”

You accepted his hand, but as he assisted you to your feet, you couldn't resist pulling him closer. “All this time, I thought you were oblivious.”

Tech rolled his eyes, a hint of amusement dancing through them. “Obliviousness is not a characteristic I possess,” he countered, his gaze unwavering. “Every action I take is deliberate.”

“Noted.” You reached up and quickly pinched his cheek. “For the record, I too look forward to finding you in such a position in the near future.”

#star wars #tbb #tbb tech #the bad batch #bad batch #tech x reader #tech #the bad batch x reader #if tech doesn't come back I'm going to lose my ever loving shit

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amorphousbl0b · 4 months

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Arcane does a fun thing with its narrative Darkest Hour.

Or: yet another post about how insanely smart this show is and how absolutely genius its writers are (and how jealous of them I am).

For the uninitiated, the Darkest Hour is the moment just before the climax in which the heroes are at their lowest point. When the Avengers are scattered and Loki opens the portal in NYC, when the Falcon has escaped the Death Star but lost Obi-Wan, when the Fire Nation is set to annihilate the Earth Kingdom, when Frodo fails to destroy the Ring at the Crack of Doom. The heroes must confront their flaws and change for the better for a happy ending.

Arcane’s darkest hour is, of course, in Act 3. One might place it at the very end of episode 9, and that’s certainly where the story is at its most hopeless. But I’d contend it starts as early as the end of episode 8 and carries on through the entirety of episode 9.

After all, that’s when Caitlyn and Vi have separated, lost all hope, and Cait is kidnapped by Jinx. Jinx’s mind is fully gone and throughout the episode everything falls apart around her. Silco is losing control of his chembarons and may well have lost his daughter, the thing most precious to him, and is only barely keeping his powerful façade in line. Zaun has realized how ridiculously outmatched they are in a war with Piltover and the revolutionary cause has become almost impossible. Viktor has manslaughtered his assistant and may never be cured. Jayce has manslaughtered a child and finally realizes how quickly he’s losing his morals. Mel and her mother are fully separating and she is struggling with her warlike destiny. Sevika gets the absolute snot beat out of her and limps to an empty office without a boss.

So yeah. Lot of personal Darkest Hours going on.

“But what’s the interesting thing?” I hear you ask in my ear. I don’t know why I hear you. Shut up. I’m writing. Are you even real?

Excuse me.

Arcane’s interesting twist on the Darkest Hour lies in part of the trope that I didn’t mention. That’s in the villain.

Most stories with a clear-cut villain have a plot structure something like this:

Whether things are going well for one side is inversely proportional to the other. During the Darkest Hour, when the hero is at their weakest, the villain is at their most dominant.

Wait… isn’t Silco the villain of Arcane? Not to be too blunt, but he’s having a shit time. Things are falling apart for him just as badly as for everyone else.

That's the trick. Caitlyn and Vi are suffering. Jinx is suffering. Silco is suffering. Jayce is suffering. Viktor is suffering. Zaun as a whole is suffering. There is only one party in the whole story that isn't suffering, that actually is benefitting from this horrid state of affairs...

EKKO AND HEIMERDINGER

Kidding. They're not really a part of this dance. A big part of Arcane's theming is that acting to help people without an agenda is simply more virtuous than fighting for any invariably-flawed nation that innately perpetuates the cycle of violence.

No, the side that is doing fine is the other that is conspicuously absent from my two prior lists. While the characters that make up its leadership are experiencing personal Darkest Hours, the organization itself is essentially on top of the world, having just scored a huge victory and getting set to bring the war to an end before it even begins. I mentioned how poor the situation for the Undercity looks, but not its counterpart.

Piltover.

Wasn't it so that Piltover started this whole mess? Didn't their oppression cause the revolt that orphaned Vi and Powder's parents? Isn't it their actions that drive Silco to ever greater extremes? Isn't it their normalized political backstabbing that causes Jayce to sacrifice his principles because that's the only way to get ahead? Isn't it their corrupt police force that lets Silco operate his drug empire with impunity?

Silco might look the part. He might be the most personally evil character, might be the one who causes the most misery for our main protagonists Vi and Powder.

But structurally, the shining city of Piltover, its political machine, and its Enforcers are the actual villains of Arcane.

#arcane #darkest hour #writing #silco #piltover #zaun #piltover and zaun #heroes and villains #good writing #just realized this #still noticing new things #even two full years later #i love this show #has someone said this before?#long post

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wyldeking · 3 months

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I've rewatched the Owl House dozens of times now and my favorite scene (excluding season 3 because that shit is magical, pun intended,) is Hunter and Amity's fight at Eclipse Lake.

Earlier in the episode, Amity and Hunter have a chat where Hunter proclaims that they both have a lot at stake, unlike Eda and King. She attempts to argue but is interrupted by the sound of her Tamagotchi-Text thing, as Luz sends a text that Amity misinterprets as Luz threatening her with leaving if she doesn't return with the Titan Blood. Hunter almost directly after takes off and gets a massive head start to Eclipse Lake.

While Eda deals with the scouts and Kikimora, Amity chases after Hunter with King by her side. She enters the room to have this exchange with Hunter.

"Don't worry. I won't pick a fight. There's no Titan Blood."

"Then why are you digging?"

"Oh, it's simple really. Belos needs Titan Blood to make a new portal key. Can't get to the human realm without it."

"There's blood in the key?"

*Amity tightens her grip around the portal key.*

"Since I failed my last mission, I thought, 'Hey, a chance to make up for it.' But I can't go back empty-handed. Not again."

Hunter is noticeably hysterical, laughing between almost every sentence he speaks.

"Long story short, this is my grave. Want me to make you one too?"

"This is really bumming me out." King says simply.

"That's just life, rat. Everyone has a use, and if you don't pbtpbt bye-bye! Your friend gets it."

With the help of King, Amity finally learns how to interpret the text. Luz had never even thought of leaving her awesome girlfriend. Almost immediately after realizing, she becomes almost as bright and sunny as Luz is. With a burst of inspiration, she decides to give Hunter the best message she could think of.

"I grew up thinking that everything was an opportunity to justify existing, but there are people out there make you feel worthless. You just have to let yourself meet them."

She offers her hand, but unfortunately, Hunter notices the key sticking out of her coat, and a battle ensues. Hunter is sweating and incredibly anxious, which shows with the way he fights. Hunter keeps dashing around, making magical sparks fly everywhere. Meanwhile Amity is holding a poker face as she almost effortlessly dodges and blocks every one of his attacks. Every attack that she throws out has a very obviously calculated plan attached.

Hunter eventually tears the key away from Amity and they end up cornering each other. Despite that, Amity still very clearly has the upper hand, with a blade pointed at the neck of the battered Hunter that is caked in abomination goo. Hunter desperately thinking of a way out to give the blood to his uncle, tells Amity, quote;

"Listen, you're strong, and I'm tired. if this continues, you'll probably escape, but here's the thing: We know where to find you and your human. So just hand over the key."

Hunter's threat to kill Amity is completely empty, as they just displayed, Amity clearly has the upper hand. But Luz? The last time she saw her she was sick out of her mind and incredibly delirious. So Amity finally slips, the key cracks as her grip tightens, spilling half the blood. Hunter wins and slips away with the key.

This scene is so damn great because the emotions of the characters make perfect sense and intertwine with everything, we've known about them up until this point. Not to mention the music in this scene absolutely slaps ass and the animation is top-notch.

#the owl house #toh #hunter toh #amity blight #amity toh #lumity #lumity toh #writing #luz noceda #toh luz #I love this damn show

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asha-mage · 2 months

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Since it's my birthday my friends got me the amazing gift of 'watching the Wheel of Time show while occasionally stopping to discuss/let me loose my mind' for which I am incredibly grateful. A few random observations from this time through, as I attempted to view it through the lens of the entirely WoT uninitiated (as my friends are)-

The group shots, where the camera passes from one of the Emond's Field 5 to another, do this clever trick where Rand is never actually standing on his own. He's always standing beside or behind someone in one of these shots, so the camera doesn't actually have to cut or pan away from someone else to get to him. This serves the purpose of highlighting him in contrast to his friends, but also to subtlety downplay his presence to the audience, and build up to the Dragon reveal in episode 7 very effectively.

The cinematography in general is so exceedingly rich and delicious- the stark white of the Whitecloak camp contrasted with the bloody reality of their actions. The bright primary colors used to make the Aes Sedai visually pop and feel magical and strange, even as they are dressed (for the most part) practically for their traveling (a complaint I had about the Witcher, aside from everything being brown and grey all the time, is that the mages show up to battles dressed in ballroom dresses instead of you know, clothing that would make sense). The subtle use of lighting and camera angle to create a sense of vast isolation of Shadar Logoth, fear and danger in the Ways, and cramp sweltering heat in the Blight.

Moiraine's opening narration in episode 1 is essentially a summary of the information we get from one of the epigraphs at the ending of the Eye of the World prologue, to whit:

"And the Shadow fell upon the land, and the world was riven, stone from stone. The oceans fled and the mountains where swallowed up. and the nations where scattered to the eight corners of the world. The moon was blood and the sun was as ashes. The seas boiled, and the living envied the dead. All was shattered, and all but memory lost, and one memory above all others, of him who brought the shadow, and the Breaking of the World. And him they named Dragon." - Aleth nin Tearin alta Camora, The Breaking of the World, author unknown, the Fourth Age "The world is broken. Many many years ago men who where born with great power attempted to cage darkness itself. The arrogance. When they failed, the seas boiled, mountains where swallowed up, cities burned, and the women of the Aes Sedai where left to pick up the pieces. These women remembered one thing above all else, the man who brought the Breaking of the World. And him, they. named Dragon." - Moiraine

This makes me suspect their was an earlier version of the script that actually used the epigraph (maybe even both of them). I have mixed on feeling on this, as the epigraphs are one of my favorite artistic choices of Jordan's and really help emphasize the history and depth of his world, but I think filtering it through Moiriane and making it slightly less opaque was a smart choice to convey the information to the audience. I also think this works on a character level as well- here is Moiraine's understanding of this information, shaped by her biases.

Every re-watch also makes me more and more comfortable in my 'the show is a future/past turning of the wheel from the books, the broad events and truths being the same, but seen in one of those endless variations we hear about' interpretation of the series. The heart of the story and characters is the same, and the broad strokes and framework are the same, but it's in the details where things emerge as different. This interpretation has the benefit of fitting really really well with the meta-narrative stuff Jordan always liked to pull, and in freeing I think the show expectations of being a one-to-one recreation.

That said I defiantly felt the cracks in the final two episodes as a result of the Covid shutter and loosing Barney Harris more strongly this time- some of that being that this is my first re watching of season 1 since I've seen season 2. You can practically see the things they wanted/planned to do that had to re-worked because of circumstances beyond their control. Mat's absence in the group argument scene (and the 'I am so tired of you two fighting over her' line that was clearly meant to be Mat's), as well as the lack of bigger/more cohesive battle scene in Tarwin's Gap. You can also tell they hadn't quite figured out how they where going to re-work season 2 yet given that the ending for season 1 had to be changed last minute (for example, their is no reason for Moiraine to just outright admit that she released Lan's bond unless they hadn't yet decided that was where their arc was going yet).

I think the show does an exceedingly good job of structuring it's exposition to the un-intiatited, trying to stagger it so that audience is largely learning new things in pace with the characters. I know people where frustrated that things like the War of Power have yet to come up in earnest even in the Latra and Lews scene, but I think the slow and steady reveal of things matches both the core idea of 'their is always more you don't know', and trying not to overwhelm the audience. My friends had no trouble following what was going and picking up the bigger implications/subtext that underpins a lot of information. 'But why did the Dragon try to cage the Dark One? It doesn't seem like it was that simple.' came up a few times especially.

The detail that what jump-starts Perrin's wolf brother connection is having his wound healed/cleaned by the wolves in that scene from episode 2 is so incredibly clever, and a good twist on the traditional 'werewolf bite' mythology.

I love the deliberate choice to incorporate so many random ruins and remnants of things in the background of shots. Not just the 'dilapidated stone buildings' that the characters camp in, but things like the trio of carved faces that Egwene and Perrin run past while fleeing the Whitecloaks, or the boundary stones Mat and Rand pass on the road, or even just the small carvings and pillars scattered about the cave where they are holding Logain. It all helps to make you feel that ancientness, that brokenness of this world more effectively.

The reoccurring use of the Dragon's Fang to symbolize violence and destruction: the Trollocs using it as a scare tactics, it appearing in the blood in the pool after Nynaeve kills the Trolloc, being burned into Siuan's ruined childhood home....and the way that contrasts with it's use in the finale episode, when we see it whole and unbroken in the seal/yin yang symbol for the first time was really really clever. One of my friends actually gasped out loud and went 'oh' at the first shot of the whole seal when it clicked.

The show does an exceedingly good job of maintaining that core idea of the series that it's about our relationship to violence- violence never being casual or simple or easy, but always raw, hard and bloody and a little bit ugly. EVen subtle things like the way the show depicts Moraine hurling stones at the Trollocs with uncomfortable frankness, trying to literalize what in most fantasy media would be an abstract. Take it from I cast stone 2, to I inflict horrible blunt force trauma on another creature. And of course everything re: Perrin and his ax.

I have more thoughts, but I think I'll save some of them for after we watch season 1, because they relate strongly to stuff from there.

#WoT #Wheel of Time #Wot On PRime #Wheel of Time on Prime #WoT s1 #WoT Meta #Wheel of time Meta #WoT Musing #Rand al'Thor #Moiraine Damodred #Perrin Aybara #Egwene al'Vere

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onesidedradiostatic · 3 months

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I feel like Alastor made that deal to save his life. That'd be so much more tragic and create so much more conflict if he was literally on the verge of death and someone told him either you do this or you die. In general as someone with thanatophobia I do headcanon Alastor as a person who's very, very afraid of death which just adds to the panic he had in the finale.

Something that I really see in Alastor's character over and over again is that sure, he craves power and control and he loves having that but also he wants to be seen; to mean something. He's an entertainer with his radio show. He's killed terrible people probably because of his moral code, yes, but I think also to give himself this grand purpose (think Light from Death Note) of bringing justice etc.

Alastor hates fading into the background, he hates being overshadowed (Lucifer), hates when people do not give a shit about him. He clearly cares about his reputation; wants the other overlords to wonder where he's been even though he has no intention of giving that information out whatsoever. A lot of people really do want him to be this powerful villain who seems untouchable but I really like the theory of Alastor being a fraud. A Wizard of Oz type character. With all of his power coming from his deal. I love the idea of "The Radio Demon" being this grand persona he carefully crafted for himself and now bases his identity around and hiding everything behind a smile when underneath it all; without the deal, without his reputation; he is just a very traumatized, slightly pathetic little man who fears nothing more than cracks in his facade and going back to being that little mixed kid in Louisiana whose dad hated him and who was treated like he was never going to make it as a radio star or like he doesn't matter. The whole taking charge of one's own fate quote really drives that theory home for me.

I've never seen Alastor as someone who wants control because he's a power hungry maniac, he wants control because he grew up without that; because even now every day in that deal is a reminder of how much his life depends on the forces around him. I see Alastor as someone with this delusional idea of freedom that if he just puts himself above everyone, if he's able to take on anything; he'll finally feel free when in reality the biggest problems are his unaddressed fears, his perspective and his mental illnesses. And the more he fails, the more this drives him insane.

I think deep inside he feels pathetic and more vulnerable than he actually is and it's why he lashes out at Husk and immediately gets into this dick measuring contest with Lucifer. Episode 5 really showcases how impulsive and meaninglessly destructive Alastor can be when he feels threatened. Like a hissy cat.

And what would be a worse fate for someone like that than to die in hell, bound to a contract, owned by someone; only to fade away into nothingness for all eternity and eventually be forgotten like he never meant anything? I think that's the worst possible scenario for him and the only thing that could get him to put himself into a deal no matter the terms. Because at least if he's alive, he still has a chance.

DAAAMN yeah this is pretty crazy, I mean I personally don't even have my own theory on what the deal could be so I just accept whatever people throw out there

the thing with the idea of all his power coming from his deal is that then we'd have to assume the deal was made very early on in his time in hell (since well. he does have a long reputation pre-absence), and in that case the making of his deal wouldn't have caused his 7-year absence, and if not then why did he disappear for 7 years? why does it coincide with lilith? was it still something related to his deal??

I don't really have any theory I agree or disagree with in particular, I'm just consuming all of them and will see if anyone's hit the nail on the head when it's revealed in the show proper

#ask #osrs.txt #hazbin alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #alastor

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slvt4em1lyprenti2s · 2 months

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hii !! as i am a sucker for hurt/comfort could you maybe please write smth where emily prentiss x f!reader are already in a relationship and rewrite the episode with tobias hankel to be with the reader the one who gets kidnapped instead of spencer? thank you !

It’s not your fault

Summary: Rewrite of the Tobias Hankel storyline but reader gets kidnapped instead of Reid, Emily and reader are already in a relationship.

TW: kidnapping, torture, drug addiction, involuntary use of drugs, depression, hurt/comfort

Pairings: Emily Prentiss x fem!reader

A/N: I've never rewritten an epsiode before so tell me how I did!! Hope you like it anon 🫶🏻

Emily pov:

JJ's here, y/n's..... where's y/n? Oh god please. "JJ look at me." Morgan cut off her panicky rambling. "Look at me. Where's y/l/n?"

"We split up. She said she was going to go in the back."

I hear someone yell that the house was clear.

"So where the hell is she?"

My heart dropped into the my stomach.

I frantically start searching the property for some sign of her as I walk towards the corn field, it looks like someone was dragged through it jeez. Wait, it looks like someone was dragged through it.

"I think y/l/n followed him into the corn field! It looks like somebody got dragged."

Instantly the team is by my side, desperately searching for y/n/n. My girlfriend, the reason I wake up in the morning. Gone. My chest starts to tighten and tears prick my eyes, I swallow down the lump in my throat and keep looking. I can't break down right now, I need to find her.

—

Reader pov:

My eyes are blurring and my head is pounding. I try to move but my hands and feet are bound to a chair, painfully tight. My thoughts are all over the place, where am I? What happened out there? Did JJ get taken too? Just as I'm about to try get out of the binds a person slams open the door.

He's carrying fish. It stinks.

"They're burning fish hearts and liver to keep the devil away." I stare at him without saying anything, I don't want to.

"They believe you can see inside men's mind."

I hold back the urge to roll my eyes.

"It's not true. I study human behaviour."

"You know what this is? It's god's will." He says totally ignoring my response already set in his ways. "Time to confess, y/n y/l/n."

"I have nothing to confess."

He slapped me. Once, twice, three times.

"CONFESS!"

Tears slip from my eyes, I don't say a word. He pulls out a knife and starts to slice my skin. A crimson river flows out of my paling skin, pain coursing through my body. I still don't crack. His fist makes contact with my face.

I just want this to end. I finally give into the exhaustion slipping into a dreamless sleep.

—

Emily's pov:

"I'm talking tomorrow morning to some guy who knew Hankel from narcotics anonymous. You should come with me. Why don't you come with me, get out of the house?" I say to JJ as I enter the bathroom.

"Yeah." she says back, clearly shaken up and deflated from the recent events.

"Okay. Great." I walk out of the bathroom and into my room.

There it is again, that funny feeling, like I'm being sat on. Or like there's a weight in my chest. Climbing into my bed I can feel it constricting my breath. Tears are pouring out of my eyes at this point, my legs are tucked into my chest and my breaths are short and fast. A wave of pain comes over me as I think about what's happening to y/n. She's hurting and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm failing her.

—

Reader pov:

"What's your name?" I ask the same man who walked in before. He's got multiple personalities that I need to differentiate between, I need to play this right.

"Tobias."

"Tobias? Who was here before?"

"It was probably my father. I'm sorry if he hurt you."

I see him reach into his pocket and pull out a bottle and a syringe. Oh god, please no. Don't do it Tobias please.

"What are you doing? Don't. Please don't."

"It helps. Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they're here."

"Please I don't want it. I don't want it please."

I can feel the warmth pulsing through my body. My system being thrown into a high almost immediately. I hate every second of it. I start to slip in and out of consciousness. I need Emily. I need the warmth of her skin, the softness and comfort of her voice. I need her kisses on my skin. I fight to keep my eyes awake but fail.

—

Emily pov:

"So what was Tobias' drug of choice?"

"Dilaudid."

The man keeps talking about how Tobias' dad used to beat him and burnt a cross onto his forehead. That's one hell of a stressor.

My head is spinning as we get back to the local PD. The evidence was all adding up, we had a name, address, background, information about his personalities. Why can't we find her? We even have live footage of her door goodness sake! I try to control my anger and begin licking furiously at my fingers, biting my nails. I need to find her.

"She's in a cemetery."

We call Garcia and get her to find a cemetery near by and there's one right by the barn. I don't think I've run to an SUV faster to be honest, I need her, need to hold her. To know she's okay.

—

Reader pov:

Im digging my own grave. This is not the way I wanted to go out.

"I ought to bury you alive in there, give you time to think about what you done." He stares daggers into my back as I dig.

"Dig faster!" He yelled at me, I can't dig any faster.

"I'm not strong enough." I say, dejected. I can't do this anymore.

"Y/L/N!" I hear someone yell in the distance.

"Over there!" Another voice calls out, I'm too delirious to register who.

"You killed him." Tobias said to me.

"Tobias" I say, suddenly feeling remorse for him, I don't know what's happening.

I see his body fall limp and realise somebody had shot him, it was over.

“Are you okay?” I hear Hotch say.

“Yeah, uhm can I have a minute alone?” I slowly walk up to Tobias’ body and stealthily reach into his pocket and take the dilaudid. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the only way I can cope right now.

As I’m walking away, Emily is straight by my side, just like always. She’s the only person who knows me, like really knows me. She’s everything to me.

“How are you holding up?” Her gentle voice breaks through the mist of confusion that had descended over me.

“I’m okay. Or, I will be.”

“Yeah, you will. I promise.”

—

Time skip to around a month after

Emily pov:

I’m walking through the doors of the apartment me and y/n share and I hear- well, nothing. Which is strange because normally she’s watching tv, doing something in the kitchen or making some kind of racket.

She might’ve gone out.

I try to reassure myself but have a sinking feeling of dread in my stomach. She’s not been the same after what happened with Hankel. It’s like someone flipped a switch while she was there, like something happened and now she’ll never be the same again.

I’m sure she’s fine.

I try to distract myself and go to take a shower. I walk into our bedroom and see the bathroom door is ajar, I go to look inside and see who’s in there - I assume it’s y/n/n. The sight before me is an awful one. She’s sitting on the floor, needle in hand, taking dilaudid.

“Oh my sweet girl.”

The look of guilt on her face as she realises I’m there break my heart into a million pieces.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I tried to stop, I really did. I didn’t want it I promise, I’m so sorry em.” Her eyes never met mine.

“Honey, it’s not your fault. Let’s stop this okay?”

She reluctantly nods and hands me the drugs. I tip the rest down the toilet and flush it. I put the needle on the side, planning to dispose of it later.

I offer her my hands and help her off the floor. As I bring her into my embrace, she’s noticeably thinner. The more I found out the more my mind races. What do I do? What do I do?

—

Y/n pov:

Oh god, oh god. I didn’t want her to find out. I’m trying to get a handle on it, she’s gunna be so mad at me.

I can feel my hands shaking and tears pooling in the corners of my eyes. Her hands clutch mine and helps me to my feet and pulls me into her. That’s when I finally break down.

“I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise. You didn’t do this. We’re going to get you help yeah sweetheart?”

I nod into her neck, where my head lays. My frail body feeling exhausted after this sudden intervention in my daily dose, the withdrawal settling in.

“Em..”

“I know, I know. And I’m going to be with you through it, okay?”

“Thank you. I love you so much emmy.”

“I love you too y/n/n.”

It’s going to be a long road, but, being with her is going to make it so much easier. I’m so grateful for having her in my life.

A/N if you ever struggle with addiction, please never hesitate to reach out and please seek help, you are never alone. You don’t have to suffer in silence.

#wlw #lesbian #lesbian pride #wlw fanfic #sapphic #criminal minds #emily prentiss #wlw pride #emily prentiss x reader #emily prentiss x you #emily prentiss x y/n #emily prentiss x female reader #hurt/comfort

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randomfoggytiger · 10 months

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All IVF Roads Lead Away from The Unnatural and to Millennium

After spending too much time batting back and forth various IVF theories (post here for the hall-of-fame-ers), I'd settled on early Season Six because of the factored-in procedure requirements.

And then a discussion with @welsharcher and @agent-troi made me reevaluate everything... and I realized, with dawning horror, that the facts concluded upon not only upended what I believed about Per Manum's time crunch but also pushed back Mulder and Scully's dating timeline from The Unnatural to Millennium.

What Canon Presents as Facts

Per Manum was a patch-on episode; and there are a few restrictions it imposes on the flashbacks with Mulder and Scully.

The IVF arc must take place after the episode Emily because that is when Scully learns her infertility was caused by medical experiments robbing her of her ova.

In Per Manum, Scully is awkward about asking Mulder for her request.

When the IVF fails, both are not stingy with their hugs-- never have been-- but Scully stops herself from fully kissing Mulder, instead placing it tentatively on his cheek.

The greater implications of points #2 and #3

Point 2: Scully's awkwardness in these flashbacks is absent from her behavior all through S7, especially after Millennium. From then on out, she flirts and pulls Mulder's tie (Rush), makes cracks about going home and making all things right with the world (The Goldberg Variation), shares a personal, traumatic story from her childhood and is unfazed that Mulder collects her and her things to go (Orison), takes it for granted that Mulder would want her to spend the night and advocate for him (Sein und Zeit), is openly jealous of his attention (Rush, First Person Shooter), keeps him guessing (Theef), denies CSM's pop psychology but not his claims about her love (En Ami), and pouts openly while calling Mulder (Chimera.) (See post here for flirty gifs (collected from @settle-down-frohike.)

Point 3: Scully's miss-kiss is how we know this precedes Amor Fati: then, she passionately and unhesitatingly gives Mulder's bandaged head a kiss after his dream recitation; but in Per Manum, though both are tender and grieving, there is still a hesitancy in her behavior. That hesitancy is born from Scully's insecurity in Mulder's life post The Beginning, after her hallway forehead blessing was replaced by his frustration at her refusal to believe. She and Mulder were in sync in S6, and she knew he loved her... but where was she in the order of importance? Still under the Truth? (It's a question she is still asking in S8's Essence.) Amor Fati was the turning point in their relationship: Mulder finally showed his partner that any better life, any better ending paled in comparison to the chaotic and brutal and beautiful one they shared together.

The Requirements for IVF (specifically the FET Timeline)

There would have had to have been a lot of downtime for Mulder and Scully to attempt IVF and continue a pregnancy.

Flying while pregnant, in the 90s and now, is not unsafe; but frequent flyers are heavily discouraged from taking as many trips because of possible health concerns (blood pressure, early risks, radiation, etc.) with mother and fetus-- particularly in the first and third trimester-- and even more so if the mother has a preexisting condition or previously challenging medical concern. Not only that, but the demands required for the IVF process would have put a further strain on travel.

Scully's ova were collected and stored (and recovered) frozen, meaning she would have had to use the FET method for her IVF cycles. Frozen Embryo Transfer takes up to 32 days from start to finish (starting the count from Day 3 of a woman's period up to the day she takes a pregnancy test); and Scully would likely have had to use the medicated FET method rather than the natural one, which is not a difference in timeline so much as convenience. Not only does the medicated FET method require additional supplementation, but the changes from estrogen and progesterone to embryo transfer-- in other words, forward progress-- hinge on how successfully the lining of the uterus thickens: if it's slow, the process drags on longer; if it's unsuccessful, the process starts from scratch. And despite all these measures, the "success rate of an untested frozen embryo transfer can go as low as 20-30%, decreasing with increasing maternal age." Hence, its failure.

The only times The X-Files had enough downtime to meet these stringent requirements were twice, and both in S6: the grounding under Kersh's disciplinary thumb and the unaccounted-for months between The Unnatural (April) and Biogenesis (September.)

The Clincher: A Purposefully Placed Family Planning Book

While the mind melding events of Biogenesis-Amor Fati are unfolding, Scully scours the office before jet-setting off to Africa. In the background is a clear glimpse of a blue family planning book amidst Mulder's various piles that he uses to feather the nest (grabbed from @dreamingofscully's post here~.)

Chris Carter, Frank Spotnitz, the writing team, and the actors knew David Duchovny was leaving the show after the finale of S7; and they planned for the miracle baby early on in the season. (For any lingering doubts about William's paternity, see here for Frank's own words on the subject.) Because of that, the gang split up and left some clues: not just the family planning book mentioned above, but also David and Gillian's decision to act as if Mulder and Scully were dating off-screen post Millennium and the writers request to incorporate William's conception into All Things. Because of those decisions, fertile (heh) ground was sown for anyone willing to look back and fill in the gaps... which they did in Per Manum; and which I do now.

The family planning book serves as the definitive timeline marker for Scully and Mulder's IVF journey. If they had attempted IVF early S6, then the book would have shown up with Mulder's things when he "feathered the nest" post One Son. If he and Scully had attempted IVF after Millennium or any time S7, it would have made an appearance then. But it doesn't: it only appears on the end of season six after Mulder and Scully have grown closer, when an IVF success or failure makes him clarify that it won't "come between us." When there is more that is between them but not technically enough for them to do this journey as a couple (yet.)

It also bookends the conclusion of the IVF arc: by joining Mulder's stash, the book has become another totem of his life in the vein of Samantha's picture, the cloth hearts, and Karin Berquist's "I Want to Believe" poster (and even Queequeg's collar and Scully's keychain.) It'll be packed away out of sight once he gets the cleaning bug or Scully asks him to; but, until then, it haunts the basement with the ghost of its lost potential.

Why IVF, Why Now, Why The Unnatural?

As mentioned above, there is a pocket of downtime post The Unnatural's April and Biogenesis-Amor Fati's September (thank you to @dreamingofscully for pointing that out in this post), with only one legitimate case in-between.

(With that in mind, The Lone Gunmen's ask of Scully is doubly stupid since they asked her to fly out to Las Vegas in Mulder's name sometime during her IVF process and triply stupid because Scully-- who likely went against medical precautions-- was drugged.)

But why did Scully seek a second opinion after The Unnatural?

Because Mulder's baseball date and uplifted banter reawakened that dream in her: "What you may find as you're concentrating on hitting that little ball, the rest of the world just fades away. All your nagging concerns, the ticking of your biological clock, how you probably couldn't afford that nice new coat on a g-woman's salary, how you threw away a promising career in medicine to hunt aliens with a... crackpot, albeit brilliant, partner." Because Mulder signaled that he was noticing her, her new suede coat, her ticking biological clock... and that those were important to him.

So, Scully went in for another checkup, to seek hope for both of them.

The Timeline: A Culmination

The Unnatural-- Mulder, for the first time in their partnership, turns away from the heart of the mystery to gaze at the mystery of his heart; and Scully is giggly and hopeful (having pressed hints about "a normal life" over and over since early S6.) For the first time he mentions something between them that is personal beyond near kisses and love confessions: he brings up her habits, her coats, and her fertility, showing her that he sees her. And after that night, Scully gets another checkup with her doctor and kicks off Per Manum.

Per Manum, the elevator-- Scully runs into Mulder after her appointment, depressed and down with more negative results. Seeing how devastated this fresh reminder is (despite the episode's very clunky reiteration of her infertility-- which both she and Mulder already know about and know each other knows about), he admits to having her ova on ice. Scully is both hurt he'd kept this information from her for over two years and desperately hopeful-- again-- that there is another last chance.

Per Manum, the clinic-- Doctor Parenti tells Scully there is a "good chance" that she can get pregnant if they get started right away. She's barreling onward, not thinking two steps ahead of her (noted here in some deleted lines-- thanks to @dunhamhairograpy) except for the fact that she has to ask Mulder for his participation.

Per Manum, "The answer is yes"-- "I don't want this to come between us" is pivotal. Yes, it could refer to their recent peace over Mulder's noncommunication; but that seems to have been swept aside by both of them in their heady anticipation. So, it has to refer to their personal relationship, one which just blossomed beyond loving partners into partners focused more on each other than the Truth. Mulder can't let go completely until his Closure; but he'll explore living a variation of normal with Scully post The Unnatural's moral lesson and Amor Fati's revelation and Millennium's permanent shift.

Three of a Kind-- Scully hops on the rare plane to join "Mulder" in Las Vegas, being pulled into The Lone Gunmen shenanigans and ending up getting drugged, flirting up a storm, and planning her revenge. Luckily, it seems Scully isn't too worried about what happened, meaning she was either between rounds or hadn't begun her first (or only?) cycle yet.

Field Trip-- A more personal episode for Mulder and Scully: he is unusually hurt and angered by her normal level of skepticism, which hurts her in turn as he's devalued herself as well as her abilities for the work. The two of them dance around these feelings until they fall right into hallucinogenic mushrooms. (An interesting note: @iconicscullyoutfits noticed here that Scully does not drink at Mulder's wake, slotting in perfectly both with her denial of this reality and her on-going carefulness with the IVF tries.)

Per Manum, "It was my last chance"-- Regardless if it's their first and only or last of many tries, Scully is unflinchingly scooped up by Mulder, though diffidently shy about crossing too many lines herself in grief (shying away from her impulsive smooch to instead hesitatingly place a kiss on her partner's cheek.) "Never give up on a miracle", Mulder intones; and holds onto the family planning book for a while more.

Biogenesis-- Mulder may have the book in his office; but Scully has lost hope, asking him "Look, after all you've done, after all you've uncovered... I mean, you've won. What more could you possibly hope to do or to find?" Her question is more in-character with another fruitless endeavor behind them, a wish to see this journey, too, to its end; and this informs her arc in this three parter: rebuilding herself and her identity in Africa, at the military base, in her apartment, and outside his.

Amor Fati-- Mulder dreams "another life, another world" where Scully can live safer and freer from him while he gets a built-in idyllic life, wife, and children: "Don't give up on a miracle" echoing around in his head. (An interesting note: @cecilysass's post here about the meaning behind Mulder's Temptation is amazing.)

But that miracle is a false illusion; and Scully saves him from himself ("You were my constant, my touchstone") just as he saves her from her self-distrust ("And you are mine.") It's now that Scully brands Mulder's forehead as her own just as she had in Fight the Future: diffidence gone, courage and confirmation found.

From Brain Surgery to New Years Celebrations

Mulder would have been too weak for much while recovering from invasive brain surgery, as evidenced by his and Scully's (mostly) hands-off approach in the next episode Hungry.

However, Mulder joined Scully in California for Christmas-- on a case, of course-- and got himself from one mess to another. They avoided death, saved the world from the Apocalypse, and, most importantly, patched a family back together. There might never be a child to welcome them home from a dangerous case; but they have each other.

And Mulder seals that realization as the ball drops.

And that concludes the IVF arc~!

Thank you for reading~

Enjoy!

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rants-of-rae · 2 years

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Kenobi: Skywalker’s Only Hope

Let’s talk about Anakin’s final “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope” as seen (as I will argue) in the final episode of Obi-Wan Kenobi (Part VI) [spoiler warning!]

During their final duel of Kenobi (Pt VI), Obi-Wan is able to (literally) crack Vader’s facade. Behind the helmet, he sees Anakin. He calls his name, too stunned to do anything else.

Vader looks at him and tells him that “Anakin is gone.”

Yet as Obi-Wan cries and apologizes to Anakin, we see the facade crack more as we catch a glimpse of Anakin, tortured emotions across his face.

Vader then says something very surprising. He says “I am not your failure, Obi-Wan. You didn’t kill Anakin Skywalker. I did.”

This is significant for two reasons. 1) it’s a callback to Mustafar (“I have failed you, Anakin, I have failed you”) and 2) this is also, arguably, a sliver of Anakin here — whether it’s a desperate move by the suppressed Anakin to assuage Obi-Wan’s guilt or is simply (Anakin’s) self-loathing and self-hatred, which are also canonically emotions that fueled Vader, is up to you.

The brief raw emotional vulnerability quickly fades, however, and Vader is back to threatening Obi-Wan, who finally comes to the conclusion that Anakin is well and truly gone, and decides to leave him, turning his back on him as he had done on Mustafar.

But the thing is, Vader can’t keep going on without Kenobi. The passion he has for Kenobi- whatever nature that may be- fuels Vader’s power. As Obi-Wan walks away, Vader cries out to him, calling his name twice.

The fact that he calls Obi-Wan’s name twice is really important, because I argue that this is coded as Anakin’s ‘distress signal.’ In “Twilight of the Apprentice” (from SW Rebels s2), Anakin also calls out to Ahsoka after his helmet has been slashed by her. “Ahsoka…. Ahsoka,” he says, initiating the outreach. She responds by whispering his name back in return (twice), further showing the importance of the double use of the name.

Which is why it’s a really big deal (!!) that when Obi-Wan finally tells Vader he’s given up/finally believes Anakin is well and truly gone, Vader initiates the contact and cries out to him. Twice.

This was Anakin’s last attempt to communicate his ‘distress signal’ to Obi-Wan, to tell him that Anakin needed his help. Anakin knew that he would never escape Vader if even Obi-Wan came to believe that Anakin was gone. Anakin cried out to him, knowing that Obi-Wan was his only hope.

Reading the text this way makes Vader’s final scene all the more tragic. In talking to Palpatine, Vader reinforces his desire to chase Kenobi. “He will not evade me again,” he says. (He’s my only hope, I cannot let him evade me again). Like a moth drawn to flame, Vader (or really Anakin inside of Vader) needs his Master. He cannot give up the flicker of hope that Obi-Wan presents.

That is until Palpatine yanks on his leash, reminding Vader of his dependency on him. He calls him out for his feelings over Obi-Wan weakening him, then vaguely hints that if Vader cannot overcome his past, then there would be no further use for him, and Palpatine would destroy him.

This is the final nail in the coffin. Vader sinks back into his chair. Defeated. “I serve only you, my Master,” he says, and we hear the Imperial March swell in the background.

Vader has resigned himself to his fate. Anakin slips away inside of him, not to reemerge until Return of the Jedi ten years later with the aid of his son. Until then, we see an increasingly cold, detached Vader, one that truly lost all hope when Kenobi called him “Darth” and accepted that Anakin was gone. If Kenobi had lost all hope, so did Anakin.

#obi wan kenobi spoilers #obi wan kenobi #kenobi spoilers #darth vader #anakin skywalker #obi wan and anakin #star wars #star wars rebels #ahsoka tano #part vi #obikin #vader and ahsoka

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fernsnailz · 3 months

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February 2024 Review Roundup

well i sure did watch some stuff and read one book this month

the things i finished this month reminded me that for every incredible piece of art i find myself enjoying, i end up watching some Hot Garbage immediately after to balance things out again. idk why i do this.

i have quite a bit to say about both the things i enjoyed and the things that brought me physical pain this month, so there is um. a lot under the cut. any previous desire for brevity i had in january has been completely thrown out the window as i use these roundups as an outlet to gush about things i like and complain about things i didn't. fair warning, if you open the readmore you will be scrolling for a while. enjoy i guess

House of Leaves

does any other book out there have the balls to write a completely fake interview with stephen king

House of Leaves is a novel you gotta throw around a little bit. It feels really weird that my copy is still in the pristine state I bought it in - It seems like it should have water damage and smell like mildew with its pages falling out and spine cracked into pieces. Getting the full story from this book requires flipping back and forth, turning it around, searching for answers. All things considered it’s not that difficult of a read, but its format still allows you to feel like you’re discovering every hidden piece for yourself, and I really liked that interactivity. I was engaged pretty much the whole way through.

I don’t really think I’ll be able to revisit this book anytime soon though. It’s difficult for me to format what else I’d like to say about it because to be honest, it caught me off guard and disturbed me on a fairly personal level. There’s a relief I feel when I remember that I don’t actually know what was going on with the house - maybe that was intentional on the book’s behalf, maybe I just didn’t look hard enough for answers. I don’t know. But the implication that something divine was down there was enough of an answer for me. The book's good. read it if you want a spooooooky time or if you never want to look at a hallway the same way again

Doctor Who (Series 1-4) (rewatch)

ok so this is a fuckload of doctor who to cover so i’m gonna give some thoughts on a few of the characters and my favorite + least favorite episodes

9th doctor: My favorite butch lesbian. Christopher Eccleston truly embodies the concept of The Doctor so, so well: otherworldly guy who knows too much, genuinely cares about life across the universe, and also has a bit of deep, unresolved rage. His moments of joy and careless fun stick with me the most, he absolutely radiates with life and brings so much to this character.

Rose: I first watched Doctor Who when I was in middle school, and I didn’t like Rose that much back then. And guys. I have bad news. I'm still not really much of a Rose fan

I definitely understood her more this watch through - that desire for adventure and some sort of control over her life, emotions so strong that she’s willing to throw near everything away. That’s just what being 19 is like sometimes. I think Rose is a very compelling character who just happens to frustrate me a bit. And that’s kinda the point, her co-dependent relationship with the Doctor is doomed to fail and it's meant to hurt. Ultimately, I think when I first watched the show I was too young to understand Rose, and now I’m just too old to relate to her.

Captain Jack: Jack is my favorite character. I fucking love this guy. Dude has the worst luck in the whole universe and still cannot be stopped. Legendary. Every episode with him is a goddamn delight because he has so much chemistry with every single cast member. No notes 10/10 i love my problematic bisexual king

10th doctor: About four episodes into David Tennant’s run I realized that he dresses like a Hazbin Hotel character and it made me very sad. Still, there’s a reason this guy inspired every middle schooler to buy a pair of converse in 2008. He has style, he has depth, he’s got the sauce. It’s genuinely terrifying to see his anger, I like that a lot of 10’s run is about his denial of godhood and power over life in the universe, something that the rest of the time lords desired. idk i like my sad pathetic little weasel but he's also a huge fucking asshole sometimes which sucks. especially when it's directed at Martha.

Martha: Martha I am so sorry for what this show put you through. Martha was my favorite companion when I first watched the show, and I still have a huge soft spot for her. Her ability to hold her own and navigate foreign worlds using her own intelligence absolutely rules, and her drive forward is unbreakable. But the show seems to put her down at every possible opportunity, most notably with how 10 treats her. Her struggles and wants are constantly ignored, and she's often treated as a rebound from Rose. And I like that she eventually chooses to end it by not traveling with 10 anymore, but it hurts because it feels like she was never given the same chance or care that Rose and Donna were. This era of Doctor Who really doesn’t treat its black companions well because Mickey goes through something similar - both Martha and Mickey are characters designed to be ignored or left behind, and it sucks.

Donna: Donna Noble is one of the greatest fictional characters to ever exist. Despite seemingly living a fairly average life and working a fairly average job, Donna reflects the idea that no one is truly "average" and every single person is brimming with personality, life, and love. I love that her relationship with 10 is purely platonic, personally their friendship feels like it has a lot more depth than either of the romance-oriented relationships 10 had with Rose and Martha. 10 and Donna bounce off of each other so well and it's delightful, Donna brings so much humor and life to every world she's taken to and it's incredible. I wish her and Captain Jack could have interacted more.

My favorite episode: The Runaway Bride is hard to not choose as my favorite. I have a blast every time I watch this episode and it’s such a good introduction for Donna. Also the Tardis car chase kills me, I love when it cuts to the kids in the back of another car clapping and cheering. I was also surprised by the episode Midnight - it’s dreadful to watch and I kinda loved it. So much spirals out of control when shit hits the fan, even though no one has any idea what they’re trying to fight against. Really interesting exploration as to how fear can drive people apart.

My least favorite episode: It’s Love & Monsters. I wish I liked this episode - stories that follow regular ass people living in this world are often some of the best episodes in the series (Weeping Angels and all that). And this episode definitely has some of that. It’s honestly really touching to see this group of nerds get together and enjoy life in the first part of the episode. I think the antagonist of “guy who absorbs people” ends up dragging down any charm this story had because he just. eats all of the interesting characters. But despite me disliking this episode, I honestly have a deep respect for it - it’s fucking crazy. It ends with the main guy telling us about his sex life with his girlfriend who is now stuck in a piece of concrete. Where else are you going to get a story like this. It fucking sucks and that’s hilarious

oh also the production design: GODDDDDD I FUCKING LOVE THE PRODUCTION DESIGN AND SETS ON THIS SHOW. I love how dirty and rundown a lot of the spaceship sets look with wires and lights scattered everywhere. And a number of alien designs also go CRAZY with the prosthetics - I keep thinking about the Hath from The Doctor’s Daughter and how every head prosthetic had liquid inside it that could bubble. Absolutely crazy. I also love the moments where you can clearly see they did not have that much time and just had to throw something together or pain a bald cap green. Jank is the nature of sci-fi production design and I dearly love and miss that Doctor Who jank.

Rebuild of Evangelion

Last year after finishing the original Evangelion series + End of Evangelion, I remember going through the Evangelion tumblr tag and being very confused by the number of slice of life/found family-esque fanworks of the cast. It left me puzzled and thinking “...did we even watch the same thing??”

APPARENTLY NOT

[spoiler warning here because these movies are very good and i give the best parts away. if you want to watch these movies then DO IT NOW!!!!!!!!]

I honestly never expected a world where these characters got a happy ending. I so, so badly wish I could see 3.0 and 3.0+1.0 in theaters - these movies are stunning. I know I say things “go crazy” a lot, but man. They go fucking CRAZY.

While I have a few issues with how the first two movies adapted the original show, I do think the changes they made better serve the story this rebuild is trying to tell. For example, my favorite episode in the original Eva series is episode 18, where Toji is chosen to pilot Unit 03. It’s absolutely terrifying because Shinji doesn’t know who 03’s pilot is, yet he’s forced to be inside Unit 01 as it tears 03 apart. His resolve not to kill anyone despite not even knowing who’s in danger is an aspect of that episode I love and speaks to Shinji's inherent humanity, and when he learns Toji was in there it hurts even more. The rebuild movies change Unit 03’s pilot to Auska, and Shinji knows she’s in there from the start. I think this choice works for the movies and is still an effective emotional beat, but personally I still prefer the version where Shinji had no idea who was in there. That lack of knowledge is infinitely more terrifying to me.

I really like what these movies did with some of the angel designs though. The sixth angel (the fuckin. blue diamond cube thing) works really well in 3D/CG animation. The way the thing warps and moves is otherly and terrifying - and it’s just a fucking cube. I’ve always really loved how the Eva series approaches angel designs and the divine - despite the alien-like designs, there’s often something extremely familiar about them. They’re often reminiscent of an animal, a machine, or a human. This is also how they approached the anti-universe in these movies, I loved how it takes the form of various locations from the series and turns them into a movie set. It’s deeply familiar, but ultimately just an illusion of familiarity like the angels and the divine.

Also I gotta say. I fucking love Mari. I think she’s hilarious. She first meets Shinji by accidentally parachuting into him and then immediately starts crawling on all fours to sniff him. This girl also introduces “Beast Mode” where the Eva pilots can go wild turn their mechs into a fucking. superpowered beast of some sort. And also she defeats a whole army by using the Eiffel Tower as a spear. She’s such an absurd character and I honestly kinda love it. The only thing I knew about these movies before watching them was this gif of her Backing That Shit Up and she truly lives up to the insane nature of this shot.

My favorite section of these movies is definitely the first part of 3.0+1.0 where the pilots are basically just living a domestic life in a small town - it’s truly beautiful. The growth that Rei’s copy goes through here is fantastic, I love stories about seemingly emotionless beings learning how to live. And right after she dies, we get the shot that absolutely broke me the first time I saw it:

This shit. The way you can just barely tell he’s been crying from the red around his eyes. They don't talk about it, they barely linger on it, but it's allowed just enough time to punch you in the gut. I don’t know why this shot got me as hard as it did but goddamn. jesus christ. i want to throw up

There’s some goofy shit in these movies. The infinite synch rate. Misato’s stupidass hat and sunglasses. Some goofy ass 3D animation that doesn’t age super well. The rainbow that shows up every time an angel dies. But these things really didn’t take me out of the core of these films, and there’s so much genuine emotion and beauty in this series that had me absolutely hooked - especially in the last two films. They go crazy. My favorite line is 100% “The only thing a son can do for his father is pat him on the shoulder… or kill him.” and man. ain’t that what Evangelion is all about. i love these movies

High School Musical 3

kinda slaps just a little bit

High School Musical 3 starts with a finale number. The last high school basketball game of Troy Bolton’s life - and it goes kinda hard. The classic pep band brass that’s essential to so many High School Musical numbers returns, and the constant theme of two feuding cheer teams in the background? Genius. This is truly art. I love listening to Now or Never without visuals because in the middle Troy just starts coughing and gagging seemingly out of nowhere

Unfortunately, starting the movie at such a high point means that the rest of the runtime doesn’t quite match up to it. The story lags and meanders quite a bit, but part of me kinda appreciates that - it’s their last semester of high school, which is always a time of confusion and turmoil. However, I do have a pitch for how they could have countered the constant falling action this movie seems to go through:

The Wildcats should have lost their last game at the beginning of the movie.

What if the game is instead the inciting incident that leads Troy and his besties through their tumultuous last semester? Troy is still torn between basketball and theater, but his identity would be even further challenged here - is winning and success all that matters for him, or is it the love of sport and performance that keeps him going? idk whatever this movie came out 16 years ago i can’t be out here writing AUs for it jgnfsgfnjdksg

Some miscellaneous thoughts about this movie that i don’t care about formatting into larger paragraphs:

Ryan and Sharpay’s number (I Want It All) slaps as usual. The part where Ryan shouts “MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!!!!!!!” makes me so happy every time i hear it

The production design and sets go absolutely fucking crazy. I still have no idea how they pulled off the spinning hallway in Scream.

One of the classic staples of HSM is Chad’s shirts. Most of them are fairly silly and like something you would expect to find in the walmart clearance section. However, there’s one shirt he has in this movie that confused the hell out of me. It’s this one:

What the FUCK does Greenster mean. Is it just a combination of Green and Monster?? Why??? What green monster are we talking about here????? Where the fuck did this shirt come from?????????

Avatar The Last Airbender (2024)

There’s really only one word I can think of to describe what this show is like: sauceless. No flavor. No depth. No character. No sauce. This show is honestly so fucking boring and seems to fundamentally misunderstand what the appeal of the original Avatar series is - not necessarily because things are changed or removed from the original, but because nothing of substance is added in return.

Most of the characters are mere echoes of their original counterparts when compared to their source material. Sokka is reduced to a guy who wants to fight good, Katara’s stubborn and confrontational nature is very rarely utilized, and Aang’s mischievous antics and love of fun is sorely missing. One of the major reasons for the dull interpretations seems to be the directing - While I have faith that most of these actors are trying their best (especially since a number of them are kids/young adults), the direction seems to be incredibly lackluster and takes away nearly every cast member’s stage presence or personality. There’s a number of reaction shots of the main trio that just look like this: 😐😐😐 as if they were just told to “look concerned” at the events unfolding before them. And these issues are apparent in the majority of the performances - for example, General Zhao talks like he’s in a board meeting up until the last episode, and it’s an incredibly flat performance. He talks somewhat monotone in the original series as well, but this live-action take on the character often meanders with his dialogue and lacks that sharp, terrifying quality that I think this character needs. Uncle Iroh also feels incredibly stiff in this adaptation, and it’s a goddamn crime that they took away the cunty little outfit and chains he was originally wearing when he gets captured by earthbenders. wait who said that

Credit where credit is due, there’s a few cast members that seem to be giving their best. It’s clear that Aang’s actor enjoys the role and does pretty well despite the lackluster direction and dialogue he’s given. On top of that, I think Zuko’s actor is honestly the best part of the show. His take on Zuko leans much more into teenage tendencies and sarcasm, which, although it can be silly, is a welcome take of the character in my opinion and pretty fun to watch. There’s this one line he has at the beginning of episode 2 where, in an incredibly whiny tone of voice, he goes “He RAN! The ultimate warrior! He’s a Coward :((((“ and the read is so. fucking funny

The case of bad direction isn’t limited to the performances, however. It’s also stunningly apparent in how everything is shot. Despite being in a widescreen format, most shots are incredibly centered - you could crop the entire runtime into a 4:3 frame and you wouldn’t be cutting out much of anything. I’ve seen some speculation that this was an intentional choice to make things more adaptable or readable for TikTok/phone video, but honestly I think that’s a dumb take. I think the issue stems from a lack of creativity and thoughtless composition. Keeping everything staged in the center can make shots feel disjointed, lacking much depth, or completely empty. It’s a boring way to shoot and indicates that the show lacks any unique vision at all.

Overall, this show doesn't really seem to understand what makes Avatar interesting in the first place. It's more interested in spectacle and action than the characters' relationships, emotions, and mistakes. I try not to compare it too much to the original since it's allowed to take liberties with its adaptation, but very few of its changes add much to the end result or give it a unique voice. It's just sauceless and boring.

Some YouTube videos i liked in February:

💥 My House.WAD - Inside Doom's Most Terrifying Mod (some supplemental House of Leaves material for ya) 💥 Martha Jones Deserved Better (this video explains how Doctor Who did Martha dirty better than i ever could) 💥 bringing JUSTICE to the worst garfield game 💥 Selling Kids for Clout: The Downfall of Family Channels

And that’s my roundup for February! Thank you for reading, I promise there are no more reviews left to scroll through below this goodbye. Nope, nothing else I watched this month. Bye!

…ok is everyone gone. phew, i’m glad no one noticed i pulled an hbomberguy and hid the largest part of this post under a false ending. Anyway holy shit i need to talk about hazbin hotel

Hazbin Hotel

well i didn’t like it

Hazbin Hotel is a weird, fascinating mess of a show. Every episode left me wondering what creative decisions (or lack thereof) led to the sequence of images I just watched. There’s been a lot of discussion of this show recently and I’m not interested in covering every critique I have, but there’s a few things that I'd like to talk about somewhat in-depth.

Hell is real and it's just Red Chicago

The setting of Hell is kinda boring in this show.

Let me try to put this into perspective. Aside from the hotel, here’s a list of the locations we see in Hell:

A boardroom

A video store

Vox’s evil lair (it has cyber sharks which is kinda cool)

Various streets

Another boardroom

A BDSM club

Carmilla’s house (it’s gray and has. balconies?)

A porn studio

A bar

Another bar

A town square (full of cannibals)

None of these locations really take on any sort of otherworldly form besides some vague demonic imagery scattered throughout (and the cannibals. i guess. whatever). In short, Hazbin Hotel’s setting resembles Chicago more than it does Hell.

I can see a world where that’s intentional. Perhaps making Hell resemble a modern city could be used as a thematic tool or point of relatability? But Hazbin doesn’t really do anything like that - since the characters rarely ever interact with their environments, these locations end up seeming like they lack creativity, like they’re just cardboard sets where characters go to swear. They all start to blend together after a while - every street feels the same, every boardroom fades into the background, and every bar feels like a google image search result for the word “club.” This world feels stunningly empty despite the busy designs and colors. Even though the backgrounds are painted and designed fairly well, nothing of substance is ever really added to them through the story.

However, a few musical numbers take effort to break away from these settings. This felt like a weight off of my shoulders whenever it happened, it was nice to see some interesting setpieces and backgrounds that weren’t red. I liked the bombastic and over-the-top broadway lights in Loser and the glowing alternate world in Charlie and Lucifer’s song. But these moments are few and crowded by the dull locations in Hell - or worse, the Hotel itself.

Despite being the namesake of the show, the actual Hazbin Hotel is… lifeless. Which, yeah, it’s a hotel where dead people go in the afterlife, but it’s missing any sort of personality or history besides “it’s old and falling apart.” I expected the hotel to be full of secrets - like maybe some hidden passages or rooms, or mysterious cabinets full of rotted meats, or old valuables hidden under the rugs by the previous owners. Something for the cast to explore and discover, and as they get closer to each other they also start to understand the hotel more. Alastor seems very intent on keeping the physical hotel standing for some reason, but I never really understood why. There’s nothing there. And that nothingness is fully realized when at the end of the show, they just rebuild the entire hotel to be grand and beautiful - an emotional beat that didn’t hit me at all because I never felt like I knew the hotel in the first place. Despite rebuilding it from the ground up, it will feel just as empty.

3 SHOTS THAT DRIVE ME CRAZY

I was truly baffled at how some of these scenes are timed and put together. Multiple sequences left me feeling nauseous and dazed - the camera moves like it’s being swung on the end of a rope, and there’s so many misplaced or meaningless cuts scattered through these episodes.

There’s a sequence of three shots in the first episode that I want to dissect. I will fully admit that I'm breaching nitpicking territory here, but the shot composition issues in this show are pretty rampant and my analysis here is just a hyper-specific look at a single part of that larger problem. Hopefully you can also use it as a quick storyboarding lesson too idk

First, we see Adam teasing Charlie.

Then, it cuts straight to this shot:

A few things here.

Shot 2 is just closer on the characters, which is not a great idea to cut to after the previous waist-up shot. On top of being a jarring jump cut, there is no purpose for this new shot. All the information we see here (Adam laughs, Charlie fake laughs) could have just been conveyed in the previous shot.

Despite the characters being in the same position as the last shot, the background changes. This straight up just feels like an error. I think the idea is supposed to be that the camera is at a different angle, but the position of the characters does not convey that. It looks like reality changes behind them.

And if that’s not enough, this is the shot we get immediately after those two:

In this shot, the residents of the hotel sit on the couch as Vaggie walks into the shot, framing them between her legs. But there’s something… off.

Vaggie either looks like she’s floating or she’s three stories tall. Quick storyboard lesson as to why:

The main problem with this shot is that the perspective of the background doesn’t match up with where Vaggie is placed. The couch is framed as if the camera were above it, but Vaggie is framed like the camera is floor-level below her. I’ve traced the shot and added a perspective grid to hopefully better illustrate this:

Do you see what I mean? If the camera WAS actually on the floor like Vaggie’s position in the shot suggests, the composition would look more like this:

Notice how much closer the floor grid is to the bottom of the frame and how you can see the underside of the couch.

And to be fair, this is probably what the original storyboard for this shot looked like! Personally I think something went wrong in the compositing stage - this might be a couch background from another shot that was reused here to save time, or whoever approved this shot just let the error slide since the shot is so short (i've been there. sometimes you let the jank slide). Most animated shows will have some poorly framed shots and continuity errors because mistakes are bound to happen, but two egregious ones right next to each other like this is. pretty bad. It's so noticeable from a directing perspective.

Here’s the thing: these three shots happen in the span of like 10 seconds. Most viewers probably wouldn’t notice these issues, and that's fine. But even though these errors are quick, they stack upon each other so fast that even if you can’t pinpoint exactly what’s wrong, something still feels wrong. There’s so many other moments where the show breaks extremely basic shot composition, continuity, and staging rules - for example, the second musical number of the show breaks the 180 rule like four times for no good reason. The whole show feels like a dizzy, nauseating mess because the shots rarely feel like they form anything cohesive.

MY ROOMMATE TOLD ME TO GO TO BED SO HERE ARE SOME FINAL THOUGHTS

Here’s a rundown on some other thoughts that I don’t care to format into larger sections:

The show seems to lack much to say about sin and redemption other than “redemption good.” like sure, but what are they being redeemed from? Is heaven truly the place they deserve to go after being redeemed, even though it’s shown to be unjust? Are there sins that are too great to be redeemed from, or others that shouldn't be considered sins at all? I asked myself a number of questions like this, but never got many answers from Hazbin.

This show has a bad relationship with kink and sex. Both are mostly used as a punchline or a form of control. I didn’t like it. Perhaps the reason Hazbin never really comments on the nature of sin is because it needs you to consider sex and kink sinful or otherly for these jokes to hit.

Some of the animation is crazy good. I will praise any animator that even attempts to make these character designs move. A number of extremely talented people worked on this show, a few of the musical sequences in particular have some incredible movement.

Alastor is a very boring character. It’s wild that most of the side characters in this show only exist to talk about how much they like or hate Alastor, he mostly just stands to the side of some shots or kills random nameless goons. I expected him to have a much larger role in the story, but he just gets his ass kicked in the final episode and then crawls back to the hotel.

Episode 4 is the most cohesive, and i think Angel is the best character in the show. Unfortunately, the fact that Hazbin takes so much effort to show Angel’s misery left me… concerned? None of the other characters get treated as poorly as Angel by the narrative. There’s a few smaller explorations of trauma, but nothing remotely compares to what Angel is put through on-screen. This isn’t to say that I think the whole cast needs to be extremely traumatized and constantly miserable, but rather that I find it concerning that the only character subjected to incredibly graphic abuse and torture (that we see or hear about) is the gay sex worker. Which sucks, because I think the concept of hypersexuality resulted from sexual abuse is an important topic worthy of discussing in adult media. I just think they tried to execute this theme without much critical thought beforehand.

I think the voice cast does a fantastic job for the most part. Keith David is way too good for Husk.

I really liked the one shot where Charlie opens her phone and we see that she has a contact for every individual egg minion.

I was very brave and got through this whole review without talking about my new least favorite character of all time, Vox. here’s what I think of him:

The overall vision and end result of Hazbin Hotel is just mediocre. While I don’t know what led to the messy state this show ended up in, my guess is that it was probably the result of inadequate direction, sloppy writing, and lacking creative support from the studios involved. Because of this, please understand that I have no desire or intention to put down any individual artists that worked on this show - I hope it's clear that most of my criticisms are directed at the larger vision these artists were given to execute and/or the lack of creative support they received while working on this show.

I also don’t really have much desire to participate in any further Hazbin discussion or discourse because it has wasted enough of my time already and I want to be free of this curse. please spare my inbox from hazbin hotel discourse. please. i'm begging.

You want to know what the most fucked up thing about this is though? Despite everything I said about Hazbin, Avatar the Last Airbender 2024 is still the worst show I watched this month. I would take Hazbin over Avatar 2024 literally any day.

well if you got this far. thanks for reading. also sorry you read all that. whelp alright back into my hole i go bye bye

#to get to my hazbin hotel opinions you must first read my pitch on how i would have written high school musical 3 #jesus christ. either i gotta watch less things or learn to shut the hell up next month this is a longass post #review roundup #long post

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soraviie · 1 year

Text

subject: write to me.oneshot

━ type: Jungkook x gn! reader ━ masterlist ━ word count: 6k

━ summary: Jungkook is certain of it — you have disabled your work email and as such what's the harm in finally spilling everything that he's ever felt for you? You certainly won't read them...right?

━ connected to: "you think it's unrequited"

━ genre: pining!!! extreme pining!! angst, barely any fluff

━ c/w: Jungkook goes through a depressive episode

━ leave a comment otherwise I’ll feed you mouldy cheese, don't test me. If you like my work and want to tip, here's my ko-fi. Thank you so much if you do!

Seoul in particular is the kind of city that never sleeps. Jungkook is once again made aware of it when he arrives late at night, kicks open the doors to his apartment and goes to lay down on the bed. Traffic, endless traffic and long strings of people trembling the air with an incessant series of enraged horns. Half-heartedly he greets Bam, plucking the squeaking toy out of the dog's mouth and flinging it to the far side of the room.

Fuck, he thinks, these are outside clothes; I should probably change.

He doesn’t.

Eagerly, Bam noses at his owner's arm, trying to get the man to play with him but at most Jungkook lazily pats his head. Lately, the only sound in his home had been the scratch of Doberman's nails against the glossy tiles. As he gets up Jungkook finds his head slightly spinning.

Eat, you should eat, he reminds himself. He has to do it himself now.

You didn't care for him and left, and he had to do this stupid thing all by himself. Immediately he shakes his head, chasing the resentment away. It wasn't your fault, none of it was your fault. And maybe it wasn't even his. It was just...not meant to be.

For the first time in weeks he actually manages to put forth some effort. Brushing back the hair from his face, the headphones squeeze tightly on his ears, preventing any sort of noise of traffic or ambulatory sirens. He cringes when seeing the biochemical weapon that is a half-finished bowl of ramen sitting next to the sink. There's even an egg there. Some days had gone by good but lately….it all grew to be very bad.

"When did I...? When did I even have this?" he mutters to himself but Jungkook lives alone. There's no one to answer.

The trash that veers dangerously over the side of the bin has to be split into two separate trips. The plastic bag is thin and it rips easily from the strength that Jungkook has to grab it with. Hence, two trips.

The floor needs cleaning, he does so. Laundry...he takes a disgust ridden glance at the array of dirty socks and underwear littered all over the bathroom floor that cannot even be seen from the sheer scale of used clothes piling on top of it. Yeah, laundry definitely needs doing.

As the washing machine goes off in the distance, with no small amount of guilt Jungkook looks at Bam. The dog's eyes are wide and glistening, holding no grudge towards his depressed owner. His tail wags expectantly the longer Jungkook keeps staring.

"Who's a good boy?" his voice though betrays him and cracks, failing to at least simulate the same joy Bam exudes. Jungkook reaches for the snacks — the empty paper crumbles between his fingers. He should go out and buy them. Thank god for Young-mi; had she not volunteered, Bam would have probably not been going out for his much needed walks. He should go out...not just for Bam. The dog has probably seen more sun than Jungkook has, but the mere thought of leaving his house kills a small part within him. It takes all of his strength to even make this empty home of his a somewhat habitable environment.

When he's done, hours into cleaning, there's almost a sense of accomplishment washing over him but before the pleasant feeling can fully settle into Jungkook's bones, finally turning his life back into somewhat normal form, the realization hits him. You won't know that he deep cleaned his apartment, you won't know that he cut his finger washing the knife and neither will you point out the choice of his band-aid (green sharks) with that distantly curious gleam in the eye because Jungkook himself won't be able to tell you any of this. Because you won't be here. Sometimes it hits him too hard and he cannot find his way back to the surface anymore.

Bam comes up to his leg, poking his wet nose into Jungkook's knee. Numbly he turns to look down.

"Sorry, boy, no walks tonight."

Bam's head droops lower and it isn't long before he waddles sadly away, settling in the corner to disinterestedly chew on his favourite toy. Whatever scraps of seaweed and rice Jungkook can scrounge up from the deserted fridge, he eats quickly and with little interest. The bed and his subsequent need to rot in it is begging for his attention but the glint of his laptop — open and left behind on the coffee table — catches his attention at the very last second.

He won't be able to tell you...in person that is. It's been a week since he last wrote to you. He misses you.

Grabbing the laptop, he digs himself underneath the covers, waiting for the email to load.

How many messages has he written to you? 100? 200? By now he's stopped counting. What's the point?

Clicking on a new message, he gathers himself. Despite knowing that you've certainly deactivated your email by now, knowing that you won't ever read this he still feels some semblance of anxiety ripple through his body. Gasping in a deep breath, he relaxes himself, finding strength in the newfound mantra.

They don't care about you. They won't read any of this. It's like talking to yourself.

Hey, no one said mantras had to be happy, right?

to: [email protected]

subject: btw I did a deep clean :D

Hi!

It's been a week since I last wrote to you. Can't say it's been fun. How are you? Are you fine? Are you still liking life back home? You used to complain that you couldn't get the proper ingredients here in Korea...

"Still" liking the life back home...Jungkook scoffs at the choice of his own words, aggressively bringing his finger of wrath upon the backspace button. "Still"...as if you had liked it here. As if you had liked him! He shakes his head once more. For all the supposed numbness that he felt instead of pain, there was a surprising amount of bitterness breaking ever so often through the flimsy pretense he had constructed ever since you left.

“You need any help?”

He didn’t even particularly want to help you. It was 2:30 in the morning and only now he could go home. He was drenched in sweat and undoubtedly stinky, the strands of hair clung disquietingly to the back of his neck and he just wanted to go home. But you looked so damn…confused. Frankly, if he wouldn’t help you it most likely would be a violation of the civil law.

Your tired eyes travelled from the dimly lit phone in your hand to his face and as you scrutinised him from head to toe, he unwittingly shivered.

There’s no such thing as ghosts, Jungkook told himself, ghosts don’t use phones.

The blankness of your stare disturbed him and after hearing a quiet, barely audible “no” fall out your lips, he bolted, jumping into an elevator without a single glance backwards.

So much for a meet-cute.

He blinks out of the frayed memory, taking in the newly reviewed mail

to: [email protected]

subject: btw I did a deep clean (of my house) :D

It's been a week since I last wrote to you. Can't say it's been fun. I hope you like being back home.

I like you.

He reads it with a heavy sigh but proceeds to send it anyway tossing then his computer aside with an easy flick of the wrist. Not like you’ll ever read it.

to: [email protected]

subject: where did you go? :0

Hello, _____________. This is Jungkook. Jeon Jungkook. Of BTS… but I’m sure you probably know that.

I got this email address from one of my managers, well, I may have bullied them a little bit (ヾ;￣▽￣)ヾ but it was for a good cause!

Anyways I was wondering about next week’s show. You promised me to help with the speech, you know my English is not good╥﹏╥ but I’ve been trying to find you for the whole week and it’s like you disappeared! Even my managers were all incredibly tight lipped about it. Just let me know if you’re still up to helping me. If not, it’s fine.

I hope you’re not sick, health is important you know!

Whichever it is — whether you’re sick, out of Seoul or just don’t want to see me, please, write to me so I’d know (⌒_⌒;)

Sincerely,

Jeon Jungkook.

to: [email protected]

subject: are you okay?

So uhh…the show is over and I haven’t seen or heard from you. The speech didn’t go so well since I was so worried about you my head was fuzzy but it’s whatever. Life goes on hahaha. I am starting to get a bit worried haha don’t scare me haha. I asked even other members about you but no one knows. The staff is telling me you didn’t have a desk to begin with so it’s not like I could just wait for you there…not that I would do that. I wouldn't….haha. Well, you were our jack—of—all—trades little helper, right? You always helped me with my jewelry and mic, and papers so it makes sense, doesn’t it? That you didn’t have a desk? Idk idk I’m suddenly shy (,,>﹏<,,)

Maybe you’re on vacation? I just thought of that lol it’s probably that. Sorry for bothering you, I hope you rest well! You deserve it, our little fairy!

Still if you could be so kind as to answer this message when you receive it, I’d be forever in your debt if you would!

Sincerely,

Jeon Jungkook.

to: [email protected]

subject:

You’re not on vacation. It’s been a month. HR hasn’t approved of you going away and you’re not on a sick leave.

Yes! Yes! I went to them! You’re not answering and I’m worried, and angry!

I thought we were friends! If you’re going through something then, please, let me know! How can I help? What can I do so you come back to us?

Sincerely,

a very pissed Jeon Jungkook.

to: [email protected]

subject: you left

The truth is out. I already said it in the subject but I’ll repeat it again, maybe to make it real. Maybe so that I would believe it.

You left. Wrote a resignation, packed up your shit and left. Just fucked off without saying why, without saying goodbye.

That’s what hurts the most. I wasn’t even worth enough to say goodbye to.

I really hate you.

to: [email protected]

subject: i don’t know, something

….hi.

It’s been a month.

How have you been?

I’m…not too good. I’m still here but…eh, I don’t know. The members say I’m sulking and I am in a way but more than anything I’m missing you. I’m missing the chances I had but didn’t take.

You know it took me a while to even like you. I thought you were so cold, in fact, I thought you despised me, hehe, well, maybe you do but I won’t know now, will I? I can’t exactly ask you, can I? Not to you who would answer as I’m fairly certain this email has been deactivated.

It’s the possibilities that hurt the most, you know. I don’t really know you, do I? I’ve never been at your home, never met your family, friends. I don’t know what type of water you like and I don’t know how soft your blanket is. Whether you use mouthwash or whether you shower in the morning or night. I don’t know these things but…I could have. Why didn’t I just ask? Why didn’t you for that matter? Was I…not the one for you?

Did you think the same as I did?

I remember when that first thought of you crossed my mind, of us being something…different. It was in the middle of a concert, remember? After the one we had in Seoul. You were maybe 6 months in, still awkward around everyone. You didn’t speak much I remember that. In those days whenever I asked anyone about you, they would say “real quiet but reliable”. I was sitting on the sofa, trying to catch my breath. It was Jimin’s solo so I could have some few seconds of peace and you were there, right in the centre of the pandemonium, absolutely calm. I remember how I wondered: "How can they be so collected? Do they not care?” but you did care. You were working on Namjoon’s jacket, weren’t you? Wardrobe malfunction. You weren’t even supposed to. Little helper is one thing but you’re not a stylist. Still you stepped in and calmly, diligently you made it whole again.

You probably don't know but you did the same thing to me. Only, of course, you undid me as well.

The decorations on top of that stupid jacket broke, just after we were finished but you didn’t mind. Namjoon showed it to you and you laughed. That was the first time I ever saw you happy. You said that it has fulfilled its duty and there’s no reason to worry anymore — it was all fine.

You never knew it but as I watched you from the sidelines I thought what if I would join you, offer a joke, make your smile last longer. I really wanted to but…

…but I didn’t. I wasn’t blind — you found it hard to fit and I didn’t want to intrude. You didn’t seem to enjoy my presence and if some people would see me with you, they’d give you a hard time and I didn’t want to burden you. You were just blooming open, my touch no matter how well-intended would just damage your petals so I didn’t. I packed up my things and I walked past you without saying anything.

What if I had? Would you have stayed then? Or would you have left all the same? Neither of us know the answer.

I don’t hate you, I’m sorry for writing so in the last letter. I didn’t mean it. I would never mean it. All I can hope for now is that you’re happy wherever you are.

Sincerely apologetic,

Jeon Jungkook.

to: [email protected]

subject: april again

Hello!

It’s April and you know what that means, I get saddled with a new tutor yey (⋟﹏⋞) It’s strictly formal now and honestly kind of boring. I know you weren’t really my tutor back in the day, just helping me on the side hehe but I still appreciate you. It was also April then, April 28th, that we finally spoke like two human beings. Your voice was so tired but you seemed curious—

Jungkook lifted his head from the laptop of his home, suddenly feeling the betraying sting bite at the bottom of his eyes.

“Don’t cry!” he scolded himself. “What’s the use of crying now that everything's done?”

Sensing his owner’s distress, Bam cautiously approached the crouched man and pressed his nose into Jungkook’s shin. He stared down at the dog, surprise in his expression hinting at the fact that for a second he’d forgotten Bam existed. For a second he was back with you.

April 28th

“What are you doing?” the voice sounding near him was quiet. Somewhat curious but even more so perturbed. Jungkook detached himself from the table he’d slouched upon in the throes of his utter defeat.

Seeing you though, the sleepy disquiet within him frayed and he swallowed nervously, trying his hardest to appear at complete ease.

“Regretting life choices,” he groaned conversationally. “You?”

“Just getting a soda,” you tossed your head towards the vending machine. It had an indent at the side. Rumour had it that one night Jin kicked it because he didn’t have enough money on him to buy a candy bar. It was, of course, just a rumour and Junkook knew it because he was the one who kicked the machine.

He did sort of feel bad about it but he had been hungry.

“Nothing nearly as dramatic.”

An awkward quiet settled between them. What are you thinking, Jungkook thought. He noticed the way your eyes lingered on him, a touch too long to be absolutely casual, and then quickly averted away as your lips pursed into a straight line, almost like you were reprimanding yourself.

Maybe because you were prohibited from talking to him? It wouldn’t be the first time such an order took place as much as Jungkook hated it.

“Do you need help?” your voice had been low, so deadpan he entirely missed that you’d spoken at all but when the realization hit, he had to force himself to not be too happy.

“It’d be nice if you did,” he gave a small smile, shuffling to make space for you on the couch. You stared at the newly liberated spot for a second but ultimately sat down if a bit stiffly.

Peering into his notebook, you asked him:

“What do you have to do?”

“Answer these questions using 10 words or less.”

You leaned your head to the side and as he took the next, shuddering breath, the scent of your shampoo filled him whole. It fit you like a glove. Immediately, he wanted more of it.

“That’s a strange exercise,” you muttered and as Jungkook’s throat grew dry, he only shrugged in response. You’d given him details, solid answers and explanations but he still failed miserably. He hadn’t heard a thing you said over the sound of his heart rushing.

Only the wet cold of Bam’s nose roused him from the memory. With a sad smile, he patted the dog’s head, feeling suddenly guilty to be looked at with such adoring eyes.

“Good boy,” he whispered as Bam’s tail thwacked against the floor of his empty and quiet apartment. “Good boy, Bam.”

to: [email protected]

subject: what’s next

Hello!

Have you been eating well? Have you been meeting up with friends? I remember you told me once, probably thinking I’ll forget it, that they’ve been missing you and you’ve been missing them. I didn’t forget — I remember. I hope you’ve gone out with them and that your cheeks glow the way they do when you’re really, really happy. I haven’t forgotten that either. I don’t want to.

I…uh…I’ve stopped crying. I don’t why that’s so awkward to say, I mean you’re not even here. If anything I’m talking to myself. It’s a bit sad, isn’t it hehe. Don’t judge me, please.

Anyways I’ve stopped tearing up at random times. Now I’m just…I don’t know — numb? Unmotivated? In those few rare free days I don’t do much — just lie in my bed. I don’t have the strength to get out of it. Though some days it’s not so bad — I’m almost the way I was before. I go out, I eat ice-cream, take Bam out for good long walks — it’s almost normal but then inevitably I crash and I don’t want to move or go anywhere, or even speak with anyone.

In fact, for the last week this is the most speaking I’ve done — writing this to you. I don’t why I keep it up but it helps. I myself don’t quite understand haha. I hope that tomorrow it’ll be a good day. My house has been a mess, my hair is kind of dirty and I think Bam is getting antsy cramped inside for extended periods of time. I have been declining my mom’s calls cause I don’t want to hear me like this. She’ll only worry and it’ll make the whole situation worse. I need to move but today I’ve sat here all day and thought of you.

to: [email protected]

subject: why?

wh do i =kep writinng to u? u;re nhot here whats the point?? whats the goodammn point>

jimin found ou t about the leterc

he didnt saay nuthign but the way he lookred at me…

pity

is ti a crime?????? to lvoe someone?? to want to tlak to them?? everyien else is lucjkf they cqan talk to thei r loved cnes but em?? im aloen so yesh i write yo you!! i wan t to be delusionalf i dont care fwha anyer says! youre my friend! iw ill talk to you aven if tis patheti c even if tish thoguht lettters youll nevar read! i dont caare1

jminn thiggks im crayz

an I?

have u maed me crazy?

to: [email protected]

subject: I’m sorry

So…I got really drunk yesterday (≡ε≡；) I can hold my liquor, don't get me wrong, but Jiminie drinks like he’s got a new liver lined up °՞(ᗒᗣᗕ)՞° But reading it over this morning (barely, my eyes are swollen) I recalled the fight that we had and that I never did apologize. I’m sorry that I took my anger out on you that one time. I should have said sorry already then. I didn’t but I was. Still am.

May, 22nd

“You were supposed to go home hours ago.”

By now, he was well familiar with the voice and its disinterested tembre. You always sounded so…bored and for some reason today of all days Jungkook got pissed off because of it.

You were always…looking down at him. Just like the others. You were judging him, weren’t you? Why else were you so distant? Why else did your face not change expressions as he got near you? You couldn’t stand him. You could see what he was behind the carefully curated smokescreen of what Jeon Jungkook was supposed to be. You saw him. Those weary, disturbingly observant eyes drilled right through what was supposed to be a charming, yet impenetrable wall. He didn’t truly know anyone and no one was supposed to truly know him. Yet in front of you he suddenly found himself bare.

“Why? Because you say so?” he spat from where he’d fallen on the floor. His ankle had given out and one point and when you came in he was panting from the pain. Of course, you’d see him in such a humiliating state.

You blinked mutely at his sudden harshness. You weren’t friends, you weren’t allowed to be friends but still the relationship was amicable. For coworkers. Barely.

“You’re upset,” flatly you stated, one hand gripping the door handle far too tightly.

“Yeah, no shit,” he grumbled. Why were you looking at him like that? Like you saw him?! Who even were you?!

“You’re upset but that’s no reason for you to talk to me like this.”

As cold as a bucket of winter river. Your voice washed over him and Jungkook found himself not an injured wolf baring his teeth and protecting his den but a puppy, sopping wet and scrambling uselessly against the palm that had seized him by the scruff.

“I’m a grown man.”

“Not right now.”

You both came to standstill, glaring obstinately at each other.

It had been the longest eye-contact Jungkook had with you. Shame it was out of anger.

You drew an exhausted sigh as Jungkook brittled.

“I understand you’re in pain and wanting perfection but be nicer to yourself.”

He scoffed harshly.

“I don’t need your pity.”

Something in your gaze grew utterly frigid and all at once he was rendered deeply afraid.

“And I’m not offering it to you.”

to: [email protected]

subject: I’m sorry

So…I got really drunk yesterday (≡ε≡；) I can hold my liquor but Jiminie drinks like he’s got a new liver lined up °՞(ᗒᗣᗕ)՞° Reading over that garbage this morning (barely, my eyes are swollen) I recalled the fight that we had and that I never did apologize. I’m sorry that I took my anger out on you that one time. I should have said sorry already then. I didn’t but I was. Still am.

For these last few days I keep thinking about what you said afterwards — when I finally mustered up the courage to grovel three days later. That I’m not someone you would pity and that I need not to apologize just change. You were so different then. You were strong. Stern. You didn’t take any of my shit and for that — thank you. I don’t know why but it made me love you more.

Huh. I just said it.

It’s kind of sad that you’ll never hear it.

to: [email protected]

subject: catching up! :D

HELLO!

It’s been two whole weeks since I last wrote to you. We’ve been so busy, I’ve barely had the time to sit down >⌓<｡

How are you? How is life back home? Did you meet up with those friends of yours? Did you find a new job? Did you find someone…new?

Maybe don’t tell me that last one haha

I’ve been…good. It’s a surprise really. I don’t miss you any less than I did yesterday or I will tomorrow but there’s not that horridly heavy sense in my chest today. I don’t know what happened in the moments before I wrote to you last and now. Maybe because I remembered how miserable you were here. You ate alone, no one really spoke to you. They liked you! They really did! I just guess…it’s too different here. It couldn’t have been easy to always think about what to say, how to say it and how people will perceive you. I pondered how I feel when overseas and I…I understand now why you were so closed off. You must have been protecting yourself, weren’t you? Like I was that day when my ankle was twisted.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that you came here at all, that we met but…I don’t want you here at the cost of your happiness. I think I’ve finally come to terms with that you left. Better you’re happy somewhere else, at your home with the people and things you know rather than you’re miserable here with me. I was not much of a help to you, wasn’t I? Always so scared of my own feelings and possibilities of future failings that I never even considered the present and how lonely you must have felt. I’m sorry that I wasn’t better for you.

I hope you’re among better people now. You deserve the world.

to: [email protected]

subject: something weird happened

So as I said in the subject, something weird happened?? Do you remember Eun-joo? She came to the studio one day and you asked me whether she was my lover. I blushed so hard then (>\\\\\\<) I don’t even know why. Just hearing you say the word “lover” aaaah it sounded so scandalous hehehe I must be crazy

Anyway, back then I said no, well, I yelled it and your face scrunched up in that adorable way it does when you’re both surprised and confused but yesterday she…uh…asked me out? On a date?

You never knew this but uhm…I kind of had a crush on her before you came along. I never asked her out because our schedules conflicted so much we barely spoke and I’ve always liked better to ask someone out in person, you know. And then well you arrived and uh…

I think you get it.

But now you’re gone and I said yes to Eun-joo.

Uh…was I allowed to do that? Why am I asking you? 「(°ヘ°)

to: [email protected]

subject: hah

So….I went on a date and uhm…

I rejected her.

Well, somewhat. By the end of the evening, she was asking me about whom I was thinking about so much and well…it is true. I spent the entire night thinking about what you would have done, what you would have said instead of her. Unwittingly I found myself yearning not for her enthusiastic compliments but for your dry ass remarks.

We’ve decided to stay as friends.

I don’t think I’ll be dating anytime soon.

I’d say that I’m absolutely okay with you seeing someone but you know me — I’m jealous as all hell just thinking about it (￣ε￣)

Seoul in particular is the kind of city that never sleeps. Jungkook is once again made sure of that when he tries to sleep but cannot. Bam’s snores fill up the otherwise quiet room as he tosses to and fro. This last letter, about the deep clean, is not giving him rest. He keeps recalling that rainy day in the park, not even wishing he’d done things differently but just wishing he could still see you. That this…hope, twisting around his neck like a noose, would end. If he would bear no hope he wouldn’t still dream, would he? He would be able to rest, wouldn’t he?

God, he needs to rest. He’s given you his mind and soul and if you were his sun, you could spare him at least some clarity. He didn’t care anymore — be it cold or cruel. He needed to be let go even if he probably won’t let you go himself.

Jumping out the bed, he makes a quick beeline to the still running laptop. Bam rattles in his cage, disturbed by the sudden movement but his eyes fall too heavily to muster up a bark. Seconds later, he’s already slumbering. While Jungkook is wide awake, fingers clattering noisily against the keyboard.

June 16th

The small bottle of milk flowed just underneath his nose as heartless rain continued to pelt the ground below. Thick smell of petrichor swirled the air around. Stunned, Jungkook lifted his head and traced the hand that held the milk for him.

Seeing you he gave a feeble smile.

Of course you would be here when he thought he was alone.

“How did you find me?” he rasped, accepting the bottle though not moving to puncture the small foliage.

With a sigh, you settled on the swing next to his — it produced a horribly dragged out screech.

“I didn’t,” you shrugged. “I just walked by and saw you.”

“And just so happened to have my favourite brand of milk?” he arched an eyebrow and because the rain made his eyes blurry, he thought, he deluded himself for a second that you blushed. Blushed and darted your gaze guiltily away to settle upon the crowded Seoul horizon.

“I’ve noticed you drinking it so I bought it…to try,” you coughed and silence fell upon the world.

The day was hot, extremely humid, even the falling rain did not help in the matter. Why did he come here, to this empty park on the far side of the city Jungkook did not know. Could it be….no, that was impossible. Nothing so childishly romantic could not take root in a cruel, unforgiving reality.

“You’re feeling down again?” you inquired, swinging back and forth, the plastic bag swinging next to you. He wondered what you bought, what you ate to feel good and full.

“Yeah, just a bit,” he lied, scuffing the soles of his shoes against the ground.

“A bit,” you repeated in a barely audible mutter. “Are you sure it’s a bit?”

“Do you think I’m lying?”

But despite the shortness of time, Jungkook had changed. His voice held neither malice, nor challenge. In fact the irony was all but obvious in the lilt of his tone. He was lying and you knew that he was.

“Yes,” easily, you replied, pulling a snort of amusement from the depths of his chest. “You’re mostly a terrible liar but also surprisingly good when it comes to hiding yourself.”

“And are you?” Jungkook asked, daring for the first time to take a proper look at you. It was so…difficult. For him it was like staring at the sun. It was oftentimes easier to not look lest he dreamt too much. “Are you a good liar?”

You stared at the ground, closing your eyes for a brief second of what seemed to be utter heartbreak.

“I’m an excellent liar,” you murmured. When you opened your eyes once more, the bout of sudden vulnerability was gone. You shuck it off like dogs did water and once again Jungkook sat absolutely mesmerized at how you were able to do it.

“But it can’t be helped,” you concluded firmly.

“Why are you an excellent liar?” Jungkook teased you further, feeling the beat of his heart stumble and clamber. Maybe…

“I’m in love with someone but…it’s not reciprocated,” you swung back and forth, purposefully avoiding his gaze.

The excited dash of his heart came crashing down, punching up arid bile at the back of Jungkook’s throat. In love with another, huh.

“Why do you think it’s not reciprocated?” gently, he questioned, gripping the milk between his trembling fingers.

“It just can’t be,” you refuted stubbornly. “I think he sees me in the same way people do…desks. Or notebooks.”

“Notebooks?”

“Yeah, you know,” you pursed your lips and the sheer amount of grief that passed your features made Jungkook sick. Whoever this son of a bitch was that made you this said deserved a motorbike in the face. “People can genuinely like their stuff until they’re in good use but once that use runs out,” you sucked a breath through your gritted teeth. “They replace it and forget all about them in the end. It’s that sort of like.”

“That smooth-brained son of a bitch,” he cried out angrily. “Damn, I should beat that foul smelling dickwad to the last inch of his life. How dare he treat our fairy like that?!”

Tearily you laughed and more than anything Jungkook wanted to hold your hand and lull the pain. But he couldn’t. He had no place in your life. Not really. So he held the milk instead — the bottle popping up from the pressure underneath his palm.

Dumbly, you both looked as it leaked down onto the ground.

“Smooth-brained,” you chuckled to yourself. “Perhaps. But he smells nice.”

Jungkook tried not to sulk at this new piece of information. Too many nice-smelling but dumb people rolled around the circles of his acquaintances — he couldn’t track the son of a bitch down even if he tried. He had no idea how lucky he was. Jungkook’s sun was giving him warmth and he dared not to care for it.

“What’s got you looking so dour yourself?”

“Oh,” he swallowed nervously, his gaze rapidly growing so hazy, even when staying still, he could swear the world was trembling. “I like someone myself. They’re kind to me, strict albeit kind, however…” he sat, transfixed somberly on the ground. One glimpse at you and he’d break. One glimpse and he’d force this ocean of his feelings upon you. He’d make you feel bad — it was always awkward to hear a love confession from someone whom you did not like. So he had to be strong. Had to be strong for you, as strange as it sounded. “I’m not good enough for them.”

“That’s nonsense,” you scoffed, beginning to swing back and forth. The ends of your shoes grew wet as briefly you found yourself amidst the rain.

“I meant me, just Jeon Jungkook, is not good enough,” he clarified with an eye roll. “I didn’t mean Jungkook the idol.”

“Neither did I."

The rain kept pouring the entire afternoon and it was one of the happiest days Jungkook had ever lived through.

Shame you left soon after.

to: [email protected]

subject: please

Even if...even if the year we spent together meant nothing to you, that the kindness you extended towards me, that the help you sent my way unknowingly pulling me from a pit of inescapable darkness is nothing but an empty void, no more deserving of your attention than the dirt on the side of the road, I beg of you to be gracious once more. Just write to me. Just one letter is all I ask for. No matter what you have to say, should it be something as little as one singular "bye", please, write to me. I'll keep you in my thoughts, forever most likely as you've made your home in them.

Sincerely,

Jeon Jungkook.

tagging: @pinkcherrybombs; @devilsbooksworld; @btsiguess-kpop; @belladaises; @halesandy; @seok-jinnies; @themochiverse; @cuteipat; @ratherbefangirling; @manchuria; @chimchimmarie; @smalliechelle; @koostarcandy; @flitzerj; @royallyjjk; @dreamamubarak; @anti-social-mochi267; @jung-nika-hoseok; @silverliningsandstorms;

#bts scenarios #bts angst #jungkook x y/n #jungkook scenarios #jungkook angst #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #bts drabble #bts oneshot #jungkook drabble #jungkook oneshot

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