I'm not wasting my time prying something from a person's hands with them kicking and screaming "I like this! I want to do this!" when there's people lining up to tell me how much they hate the thing and how much they want to get away from it. "Expend your effort on people who may or may not dislike this thing I think is harmful to them" is code name for "retract your effort from those who are explicitly asking for help". Still waiting for someone to explain to me how that's a noble thing to do.

✨️Your Future Crush/Love Interest & Squish✨️

Yes, all you aro/aces can join in today 😌

1-2

3-4-5

Pac Song Theme:

OMG I'm did a pac during finalss week?! Yes, this is how I deal with stress, I'm also going to be doing another one inspired by a tarot reader on here for as an end of year celebration get readyyy🤗

‼️CW: topics surrounding violence, SA, abuse/trauma came up just as a heads up‼️

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1. Might really like money. They think about their career a lot, and not just in a very workaholic mindset but this is someone that likes capitalism. They might like to one up people or they think they're better than others for pursuing money even if they don't have a lot. A very scummy feeling from this person, would be the type to take you to a michellen star restaurant and then be really angry if you didn't sleep with them afterwards. (s!A vibes for some) 🤢🤮 I feel like they see themselves in this very righteous manner but they're really not okay in the head and I mean that respctfully. They may struggle with chronic mental illnesses but their narcissist habits make it impossible for them to heal themselves. Uhhhhh I don't wish you good luck with this person and I hope you manifest another pile HAHAHA. this person could love to brag about flying/trips theyve been on. It's giving wealthy americans that think just because they traveled overseas they know the country better than the locals and tell racist jokes cuz they think they can 🤦🏾‍♀️

Squish: Literally the mild version of the romance. 😭😭 Again, this person likes money but isn't that obsessed. Again they might take you on trips but this is a really nice person even if they come across as ignorant. They could've been born with a golden spoon in they mouth, its giving stupid but v sweet. I think you'll like this person a lot, although I personally cant fck with this type, I'm strongly feeling your positive emotions. I think they can be a bit petty and immature tho although that's heavily connected to whatever privilege they have, even if its not necessarily financial.

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2. I started sneezing like crazy the moment I started you're reading, for some this a future spouse or a long term commitment for you, whatever that means to you. AGAINnn with the money like are we all in college now wtf, anyway. This person feels stunted financially or just in general with something they value. Mostly career though for you all, maybe they keep getting rejected from jobs they want or they couldn't get a full-time job out of college and had to do more internships etc. It's just like they feel behind career wise or maybe even life wise. You could be ahead of them but I'm getting the two of you struggle together sometimes. This future partner/crush is very close to you rn and some of you know them already and this is your current crush. I think you guys will start off as good friends right away even if you're not (already) best friends. This could be a future squish too for some of you.

Squish: this is your future crush for everyone that's not aro. Even if you are, there's lots of physical intimacy even if its platonic. Lots of hugs and cuddling each other when you're sad. Both of you could be fems/women. They're very precious and I think that's what pulls you in. They have a soft approachable energy and they're funny. I think they can be rlly awkward and its v funny to you 🤭. They could also struggle with social anxiety and you might tease them about it sometimes. Both of you could be in college and stressed about student loans or money again. You could also just both have the same financial situation in terms of your household. Like literally the same family situation too.

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3. This could be a future partner. You could've liked this person in the past, but they hurt you in some way or were mean? They could've been a loner even if they were ok with other people. You could be manifesting this person even if you don't know it. If you don't already know this person, they could be hurtful in some way, even when you two first meet. I keep getting the Empress for these piles, but I think its the first time in all my readings that I've had to interpret it in a negative way, interesting. This could be someone you have cycles with. Yeah they can just be rude unprovoked and I think that will be your first impression of them even if they're attitude isn't directed towards you. I don't think you know why you like this person and I think it's something you want/should figure out. Please be aware this can show up in multiple ways, it doesn't mean theyll call you a slut or curse at you, but it's much more passive aggressive and just rude. Like I don't think this person takes people seriously especially when it comes to others emotions and they like to play the victim when you try to assert boundaries.

Squish: You're going to really like this personnnn. They might heal some trauma you've had in the pass and they might really be againts your future crush. You're going to be friends with this person, for wlmost all of you close friends maybe besties. I think you might struggle alot of abandonment issues and feeling alone or isolated and I think they'll really help with that. This is someone who doesn't settle and is always moving onto the next big thing, even if it's about a partner. Yeah they might introduce you to other people, but you only really like this person. I wouldn't be surprised if some of you developed a crush on them after your future crush 🤭🙈 They also could've been through a lot and may have had the same tastes in people as you do in they past, so you might see them get very like fervent(?), like passionate about trying to educate you about the people you date/hang around even when you never asked for their opinion. I think they feel like you could do better for yourself but you can't see that. LOL you might find this really annoying and although it is, they have a point most of the time. When I say taste in people, this could apply to any relationship; they look at who you attract in terms of friends, or even family and the workplace for some you, and feel like they need to protect you.

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4. So apparently this is my pile, so for y'all who chose another pile and feel like you're getting flamed, don't worry I probably am too 😭. This person again could be a loner or feel lonely. I feel there's something they went through that deeply impacted them negatively but they just don't deal with those emotions and try not to think about. This person may not tell you what it is like ever, or they tell you and play down the situation a lot esp cuz they might feel like it could make other people worry about them. This is someone who's been through a lot, like some really tough stuff for some you; they could've been an addict or had parents/guardians who were, they could have been bullied a lot and like aggressively, they could've been assaulted at school. They just really could of been through physical hell, literally, maybe there's a poimt where they were chronically in pain. This person has definitely visited a hospital more than a few times or its a miracle they're still alive and walking. You could've met this person veryyy briefly in your childhood, idk why but this is giving a manhwa storyline 💀💀 I'm specifically think of Park Hanhoo's Manager. Anywayyy, they came out on top. They really did, I feel they may compare themselves to average human being but they shouldn't bc their on a whole different level. And I feel what makes your pussy/bussyy pop is their strength. Cuz they handle things with so much gracee I tell you. They may feel behind but I think you view them very differently and I think for who they are as a person when you meet them, you're gonna give them their due respect, even if they don't have the best personality in the world. It's up to you whether or not you really want to pursue this person because I'm getting they could also become a mentor or just a friend. This could be someone at your workplace, whether you swutch jobs or they do.

Squish: Similar vibes, but more like they may have been betrayed by friends in the past or had shitty friends. They could be kind of a loner as a result and like to keep their distance but some of you will meet them at a time when their more emotionally available. This is someone that doesn't like to stay in one place, but I feel like they feel stagnant internally. They could be someone who does a lot of kind actions and could be very helpful although they're not necessarily friendly. They're nice in a very genuine and non-cliche way. If you made a mistake at work they'll give it to you straight, but they'll tell you exactly how you can do better in a non-judgmental way and are always willing to help you. They will answer your questions and paradoxically almost, they have no patience for bullshit, but they do have patience for you and people who are just less experienced than them. They could literally be from the streets. Nvm I ain't getting flamed, I love this pile y'all 🥰

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5. This is a go getter for sure, but they can honestly be very impulsive in general. I keep getting distracted while doing this reading, they may or may not have adhd. This is a definite future spouse/long term partner for a lot of yall. They're very whimsical but not stupid. I think this is someone who believes in science but still likes occult stuff just cuz they can. For the majority of you, this isn't a conservative right leaning hippie who believes in antisemitic conspiracy theories. Even if they like tarot, they don't take it seriously or they could really like astrology lore but don't take it seriously all the time. This is a smart person even if they may not seem like at a first glance. Idk what it is about them, but they look kinda stupid depending on what you think that looks like. Like they could look like a frat boy/mommas boy but it's only bc they don't kno how to dress and they're actually really nerdy and support human rights stuff, like they're pro choice, acab, whatever. However I feel like you won't know that much about them even after developing a crush. This may be someone that you get to know over a lengthy period of time.

Squish: Again this could be your future partner/crush i described above. This person will take you out a lot, like just to hang out they'll want to go to a new cafe or want to see a new place that's opening up. I'm getting they don't necessarily like traveling long distance or flying tho. Y'all could live in an area that has a lot of things to do, there's always something new. They aren't rich but they still know how to have fun without spending a lot of money. Its really giving teen afterschool fun vibes, you guys might hang out at a mutual friends place a lot together. And that may be how you first meet. Again this person isn't super open but they are still a bit friendly and I don't think they mind getting to know you particular. I have a feeling they don't care if they don't have friends at all, they seem to be very content by themselves and know how to have fun. They may be what I like to call a quiet extrovert.

Kny characters ranked from least to most likely to be scammed

Sanemi: He is so paranoically distrustful to everyone and everything around him (himself included, always) to the point where it is reaching delusional, self-destructive proportions. Sorry for the mental illness king but at least you aren't getting scammed.

Iguro: Growing up in a cult taught him relatable, every day lessons like: If a snake demon asks you to feed your babies to her in exchange for gold, maybe, don't do that? Being raised in this environment made him apply a highly suspicious framework to so many things, a lot of times to his own detriment. Like assuming that every single male wants to steal his crush away because they dare breathe the same air as her or god forbid, engage in small-talk. Despite all that he still manages to rank above Sanemi, somehow.

Shinobu: She will allow people think that they are succeeding in scamming her when in actuality SHE is scamming THEM. We are talking Jimmy McGill level shenanigans over here.

Giyuu: He just wants to fuck off in some hole and die he does not care about your essential oils #toodepressedtogetfinessed

Muichiro: Manages to avoid being scammed by being completely apathetic and dismissive towards the scammer (assuming he is even bothering listening to them in the first place) and immediately forgetting what even the scam was all about in the first place.

Uzui: Most of the times he is able to use his critical thinking skills to distinguish scam from not and he can be a pretty decent conman himself, although he is not immune to being overtly suspicious or on the other end, people getting the better of him.

Gyomei: Is able to objectively analyse and evaluate an issue in order to form a judgement without being gullible or paranoid, like a healthy functioning adult. Congrats on the fully developed pre-frontal lobe, Himejima.

Rengoku: The fact that he suspected that a random 15 year old human was one of Muzan's spies and thus should be killed without any substantial evidence shows us that he is able to be highly suspicious of people (and it makes us glad that he never pursued a career in law) but this does NOT negate the fact that he fell for the greatest scam of all time (fatherly approval)

Tanjirou: People assume that due to Tanjiro's age and kind nature that he would be easy to scam, what these people don't know is that Tanjiro is a human lie detector. Things do get trickier for him though when the interaction is not happening via face-to-face conversation.

Inosuke: Inosuke manages to avoid being scammed by 1) being raised in the wild by boars for most of his life thus blissfully unaware of pyramid schemes 2) resorting to violence when he finds people annoying 3) no sane scammer wanting to chose the boy wearing a taxidermied boar head as a target. But he is NOT immune to getting scammed when his physical capabilities are getting called into question.

Zenitsu: You would assume that due to Zenitsu's advanced sense of hearing he would be able to distinguish truth from lie, but recalling the fact that 8 different girls managed to scam him out of his money and make him drown in debt and that in the Kimetsu Gakuen comics Douma managed to sell him overpriced water under the guise that it was a love potion I guess that's simply not the case, at least not when the possibility of getting a girlfriend is involved. Thankfully for Zenitsu "hot babes in you area" pop-ups did not exist in Taishou era Japan.

Mitsuri: She has a huge heart and wants to believe the best in people even if said people have a huge white van parked outside with a sign saying "Free Candy"on it,alas.

And lastly HUGE shoutout to all the demons who back when they were still human clicked on a pop-up ad by some Kibutsuji Muzan guy saying "CLICK HERE IF YOU WANT TO LIVE A BETTER LIFE" this unfortunately installed a virus in their brains that drove their already fragile minds to complete insanity. Sad.

I hate to keep posting about this but my situation hasn’t improved, and for the people in my life who care about me I’m trying my best to hang in there but to keep surviving I still need help u.u

In the past couple months I’ve rapidly developed worsening symptoms of an autoimmune disease which basically means I suffer chronic pain daily that is at best hindered a bit by things like advil. I have an appointment to see my doctor on the 22nd where I’m hoping he can give me more answers and help give me the means to start getting finanial assistence for my disability. Last week I finally had to walk out on my job for my own physical and mental wellbeing and although i have a side job watching the door at a local bar I don’t start till this weekend and it will not be enough to support both me and my cat Jynx. I’ve only survived thus far by the kindness of my friends and some family and been able to eat thanks to my connections to a food pantry I worked at previously.

There are some days i can’t even get out of bed yet I’m trying to remain positive in the wake of my terrible misfortune over the past year that has led me to this point. Some days i do think it would be best to give up but i know that i can’t because theres people that care about me and still so much i’d like to do with my life - most importantly I’d like to be able to cheer up and entertain those in the LGBTQIA+ community and also those with mental illness like myself. It’s not exactly an earth-shattering goal i know, but being in this situation has made me appreciate all the friends/streamers/strangers who provide small acts of kindness everyday that mean the world to others they have an effect on.

As I’ve said in previous posts, asking for help like this is something I’ve never wanted to do, I’ve outright told friends that I’d rather die than have to be burden on anyone. But the truth is I want to live, for me, for my loved ones, for anyone in the future I may be able to make smile or forget about their problems even for a moment.

Apologies for rambling, I’ll try to get to the point, thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far though ;-;

Part of being in such a bad financial state has been me putting off purchasing some of my medications including my Anti-Anxiety/Depression meds(Sertraline), Allergy meds(any generic zyrtec), and Pain relievers(advil). Because I’m so lucky my seasonal allergies just kicked in today and have had me extra sore just from the sneezing. So anything anyone can spare to donate even just $1 will be going toward those medications, cat food, or food/essentials to help me survive and make it through this. I’m so so grateful for the donations I’ve already received and i don’t want anyone making things harder on themselves for me - but if you read this and have the money to spare i would really appreciate it!!

If you don’t want to or can’t donate every reblog helps me out as well!

Also if you don’t want to donate for nothing I have a fair amount of Yu-gi-oh Cards, Video Games, and Bionicles I’d be willing to part with in exchange so feel free to messege me or send me an ask if you’re interested!

As always thank you all so much for your time and support 💙💙💙

What's your opinion on psychiatric drugs?

some of it is necessary for debilitating and incurable mental illnesses although much of it is a scam meant to make money off of people whose depression and anxiety and general problems are environmental and situational and do not require psych meds…the whole “BLANK is a chemical imbalance curable with a pill” trend is def a psyop…

The Righteous Gemstones, Ep. 3x05 – Interlude Three

That’s the one thing about this show, one twist can absolutely change things.  Like I didn’t think I could feel any sympathy for Peter and, in fact, I didn’t think this is how Peter’s story would go.  Of course, I’m referring to his past.  Like the other Interlude episodes, this is set back before Amiee-Leigh's death.  This time it’s the year 2000. 

Also, we actually have two stories going on here.  One is Judy’s, which I’m going to touch on this briefly.  Judy is socially…who knows where to begin.  She clearly doesn’t fit in socially, but her parents might be right that she has some undiagnosed mental illness.  Although I felt sorry for Judy as she heard her parents not only say that, but joke about it.  Anyway, this is also the first time Judy meets Amber and she treats her like dirt.  She even steals a ring that Amber has that was a gift from her deceased Grandmother.  Jesse storms into Judy’s room to demand the ring back, but he finds her crying.  This leads to them discussing how Judy feels like there’s something wrong with her and how she liked this boy and he decided to play a cruel…no, let’s call it what it is.  He cut her hair off in class in order to embarrass her; this is not “playing” nor a “joke,” this was cruel.  But Judy and Jesse talk and Judy gives the ring back to Amber.  Also, Jesse gets revenge for his sister.  It’s kind of a nice “b” story to show that the siblings do actually care for each other.

The main story comes down to the events that lead to the split between the two families.  The Gemstones run this big Megachurch and the Montgomery’s have a smaller one.  Now, May-May does not approve of Eli’s wealth and is very strict on Peter and the boys; it’s clear she runs the house.  And Peter is just this preacher who trying to do good by his family.  However, going back just a bit, the Gemstones had been selling these Y2K kits because, you know, the whole society as we know it could end because of the Y2K bug.  Then, it didn’t happen.  People in the Gemstone Church are pissed as they feel like they were conned (which, they were) because they bought these kits.  And May-May is kind of glad of that as she feels like her brother has this coming to him.

What she doesn’t know is that Peter believed in Eli’s hype and bought a ton of these kits in hopes of keeping his congregation safe/possibly selling these items after Y2K hit.  It turns out he spent their entire savings.  He breaks down to May-May, who then confronts Eli.  Eli says that he’s willing to help the family by buying the items back (which is around $25,000 dollars worth), but May-May won’t take the money.  She calls it evil.  Furthermore, she blames Amiee-Leigh for this whole mess, saying that she enables Eli.  Eli throws May-May out of the house

This takes Amiee-Leigh aback and, later, she has a talk with Eli.  And we find out why they sold these items.  It wasn’t that they believed Y2K would happen, but they had this fanciful idea that if it did happen that they could go back to a simpler time.  And them wanting that simpler time, kind of made them conn themselves into believing it could happen.  That being said, they still knew this wasn’t going to happen and they still took people’s money and they ain’t giving it back so…they can have any excuse they want, it was still a conn.

And this conn really hurts people.  In fact, it makes them desperate.  And desperate people do stupid things.  Peter, for instance, decides to rob a bank.  It doesn’t go well and Peter kills a guard and is shot several times.  Now, obviously, this will lead to the May-May attacking Aimee-Leigh like we saw in the first episode.

It also now makes me question if we should trust May-May.  Could it be that she, Peter, and the cousins have been acting like May-May and Peter have separated, but they’re actually working together?  I mean, just because Peter said that May-May isn’t to be trusted in front of the Preppers doesn’t mean he’s telling the truth.        

Having an existential crisis right now and I shall come to your inbox like a sinner comes to a priest.

So I'm 25, college dropout, barely held a job (like did it for 2 months) and am completely supported by my parents. I'm in every aspect the definition of failure, right? Objectively. Some part was due to mental illness, but mostly me being a lazy and stupid asshole who didn't know what to do with their lives. And then I realized I wanted to be an artist, right? Like one does. And I'm pretty good at it also, think I might have a chance, had some interest in my little art. Very happy. But, but, sadly, to me and all the nation, my parents are rich white awful conservatives who have a very heavy foot on local politics. So, you know, giving the culture of accountability, which I do support, I would've been canceled if I ever attempted to be an artist, which is understandable. Like I've had enormous privileges that were born out of shitty shitty ways. And while I can justify it as a minor, I don't think that being like "well I was a little sad and a little lost and did bad choices" is an excuse when you're a grown ass adult. I directly benefited from money earned by bad ways and just being supported by hateful hateful harmful people. It's like they calling out Benedict cumbebatch for their family being slave owners, you know? You might not have directly done the harm but you did benefit from it. I did benefit from it - everything I ever had and eaten and done was paid for with my dad being an asshole politician. Anyway, I know I can't pursue art, you know? Like I know it. I understand it. I know it's my fault for not leaving early and not getting my shit together and if I ever had a fighting chance of not being an asshole and associated with my family of assholes that chance was turning 18 and leaving - which I didn't do. And it's not like I don't plan on leaving, I absolutely do. Want to get my shit together and cut this people off as soon as possible. But it makes me so sad that I cannot pursue art bc of this. I try to imagine my dream life, like everyone does, and even then when I dream of being an accomplished writer, i can only imagine me being canceled and publicly shamed for coming out of this shitty ass rich family and everything I ever did stained in an irreparable way. In my dreams I'm jk rowling and my past is like her tweeting. A whole life of work and creation destroyed and ruined. People feeling ashamed of even having liked your art to begin with. Like Man, i could even be acused of nepotism, although it truly never played any part on anything. My parents give two shots about art and have no contact with the art world whatsoever. But still, you know, son of a politician. Plus its not only bc of them but bc of my past actions, I am the stereotypical entitled asshole who doesn't work and dropped out of college and fucked up in general. I didn't mean to be one, it just happened I guess. It infuriates me, I wish I could go back to 18 year old me and drag my ass out of the bed and just like beat the shit out of me. Wish I could do it to last year me too, to be honest. Turning 25 really does change a men's perspective. Not that I didn't know I was a failure, but I was quite prone to outsourcing the guilt, you know.

Well, anyways, I know I don't deserve pity or anything like that I mean cmon, but by God did I manage to fuck myself over thoroughly by just doing nothing. Literally doing nothing. It's very frustrating, feeling your past eat your future alive. Undescriblale grief, truly. Anyway, probably gonna become a history teacher now. Go back to college.

But it feels like I will never be able to erase my parents fingerprints of my life tho and everything I ever do will be derivative of the privilege they gave me growing up, which wouldn't be a bad thing, if I didn't fucking hate them and they weren't awful ppl.

Inescapable hell, I tell you. Deserved, I know. It's like that tiktok song "I know I fucked up but jesus".

Yeah anyway

Thank you for hearing my confession bc like father have I sinned.

I say all of this in the absolute kindest way, anon, and with the disclaimer that I firmly believe that nobody is undeserving of redemption and everybody deserves the chance to be happy: this is absolutely delusional, and I'm sorry that you've come to think this way. I am so sorry that you feel you need to live a half-life you're completely lacking passion for, based on these ridiculous arbitrary ideas on who is "allowed" to produce art. I'm sorry that you've been led to believe that the mistakes and choices we make as young people define the rest of our lives and we're not allowed to move on from them. and I'm sorry that you've been made to feel like you will never escape the shadow of your parents. all of this is absolutely false, and I sincerely hope you rethink. I'm going to go through a few things that stood out to be here, because Christ, anon, this is not the way.

So, you know, giving the culture of accountability, which I do support, I would've been canceled if I ever attempted to be an artist, which is understandable.

no, it's not. the current culture of accountability, like many things, came from a place of genuine desire to hold the people doing society the most harm to account. it was designed to call out billionaires and millionaires, and corrupt police forces, and parasitic business practises, and organisations like Hollywood and colleges that covered up constant sexual assault and harrasment, and other things of a similarly insidious calibre. it was never designed for small fry like your parents, who, while perhaps terrible, have likely not done anywhere near this level of damage. even if they have, it was never designed for the children of these people. unless the child grows up, learns better, and still choses to be ignorant and go into the family business, the blame does not rest with them. this level of accountability -- that the child is accountable for the sins of the parent -- is more in line with Soviet Russia or North Korea. it is deranged.

you know better now. take steps to get away and become self-sufficient. you do not deserve to be "held accountable" for being a minor child, and then being a dumb idiot in your early 20s. you are 25 years old. that's an impressively young age to screw your head on right. I know people twice your age (literally!) who still can't admit they've been assholes in the past. you have the rest of your life to learn and do the right thing. denying yourself the life you want in order to beat yourself up over these made-up "crimes" is akin to white guilt in the way that it helps absolutely nobody and "makes up" for nothing. not to mention coming off as self-centred and conceited, putting yourself at the centre of something that harmed others, which is obviously not what you're going for. you do not need to do penance for the rest of your life because you were born to assholes.

And while I can justify it as a minor, I don't think that being like "well I was a little sad and a little lost and did bad choices" is an excuse when you're a grown ass adult.

you are only 25. this idea that all these young people on TikTok or Twitter or whatever have absolutely spotless political credentials is a lie. you made bad choices. you recognised they were bad. now you want to avoid repeating those choices. you have made a mistake and learned from it, and become a better person. that's how it's supposed to work. you don't fuck up and then have to retire from life forever. I will sooner trust somebody who openly admits to being privileged and ignorant in the past than someone who claims they never had a problem with it, and I do not subscribe to the idea that the more oppressed you are, the better you are morally. the best among us are those who fuck up and learn and admit and accept their capacity to cause harm. the worst among us are those who think they're immune to learning, always right, and incapable of doing wrong.

Anyway, I know I can't pursue art, you know? Like I know it.

you are wrong. all art is worth something. every human on the planet has the right to create art and be appreciated for it. it is not something you "earn" the right to do by being adequately oppressed. everyone has something worth saying, and the problem is with industries that amplify certain art over others, not the artists and their backgrounds. it is also fully possible to use your privilege and contacts to shine light on issues and artists that deserve more attention. the idea that if you're too privileged you're not "allowed" to make art, or you have nothing worth saying, is absolutely fucking insane and is not an attitude you come across among normal, intelligent people.

Like Man, i could even be acused of nepotism, although it truly never played any part on anything.

the wonderful thing about callout culture is that you could be accused of anything some random, bitter, uncharitable user decides. I have been accused of being a genocide supporter, a neo-Nazi, a transphobe, and a paedophile. you'll learn quickly as a writer that people who do this are stupid as shit and nobody with a braincell listens to them. I strongly recommend spending more time offline to recalibrate yourself to how normal people think.

Plus its not only bc of them but bc of my past actions, I am the stereotypical entitled asshole who doesn't work and dropped out of college and fucked up in general. I didn't mean to be one, it just happened I guess. It infuriates me, I wish I could go back to 18 year old me and drag my ass out of the bed and just like beat the shit out of me. Wish I could do it to last year me too, to be honest.

we all wish this. I was a cunt at 18. I was a cunt at 21. I was a cunt probably up until I was 26, so congrats, you're a year ahead of me. you know better now. you fully deserve to learn from your mistakes and be allowed the opportunity to be a better person. nobody on the planet is immune from being an asshole, especially at this age. you are right on track, at the age where most people mature and grow out of their assholishness. this is not some irredeemable flaw that you possess because of your parents' privilege. this is called growing up. it is good and it is normal.

Well, anyways, I know I don't deserve pity

I don't like to give out pity anway, as I find it condescending, but you do have my sympathy. you should feel guilt for any people you have actually hurt, yourself, through bad behaviour in the past. but you have my sympathy for the way that you've been made to believe that these mistakes, which you regret and wish to change and never repeat, should doom you to a life of misery, that you do not particularly want, and that apparently mean you're not "allowed" to follow your passions. that is desperately sad. I am sorry this has happened to you. you deserve a chance to prove yourself a better, wiser person, and you deserve the rewards that should come from changing. forgive yourself.

But it feels like I will never be able to erase my parents fingerprints of my life

not quite the same situation as you, but I once thought this exactly. my parents fucked me up big time, and I thought that I would never escape them. now nothing I have has anything to do with them. it's possible and you will get to this point too. think about the life that you want -- that is not theirs. but living miserably in penance for your parents' sins? that will ensure that you will never, ever escape them. the choice is yours.

Inescapable hell, I tell you. Deserved, I know.

never deserved. if you want to do better you deserve the chance. it is never too late to start doing better, it's never too late to change yourself, and if you're sincere and you succeed, you deserve to be happy.

finally, to reiterate something I said earlier: spend less time online. this kind of thought process is only found in people who spend excruciating amounts of time online. people do not think like this in the real world. grown adults with critical thinking skills and basic empathy do not think you should suffer forever because your parents were assholes and you made some stupid choices in your teens and early twenties. being exposed to the kinds of "politics" you get online -- which is less about politics and more about power and self-righteousness and putting others down in order to disguise one's own flaws -- is quite literally making you insane. sign off and work on yourself. the average human life span is around 80 years. don't live in misery because some people online think the first 25 of those years define you.

i don’t understand the human need to try and diagnose everyone based off of a few trivial symptoms that don’t even qualify for a disorder without several other symptoms. i understand, on some level, the need to create a reason as to why something happened. as someone who has experienced a similar feeling, i can see how people may start analyzing others to make their own experiences more validating. and i also understand analyzing others just because of curiosity about humanity and society, but…

your experiences and limited knowledge on a person’s symptoms is not enough to say that that person has a full-on mental condition. someone manipulating someone does not automatically mean that they have a cluster b personality disorder. someone dissociating does not automatically mean that they have a dissociative disorder. someone being emotional and afraid often does not automatically mean that they have a psychotic or mood disorder.

hell, even doing things that are considered morally fucked up is not enough proof to say that you think this person has x, y, and z because they may not actually have the symptoms of the disorder that you wrongfully stereotype with a certain crime. one of the most horrifying online child torture rings recently was mainly run by a guy who didn’t even enjoy the idea of torture; he wanted money so bad that he put aside his own morals—not even because he wanted to engage in the horrible actions that were done. he still did a horrifying thing, and as people, we like to pretend that only people who don’t understand or care how horrifying it is can do those things, but that’s simply not the truth.

most killers do not have any form of psychotic or personality disorder despite people associating things like murder with “psychopaths”. most abusers are not narcissists despite the internet portraying that they all were for a long time. most rapists don’t even have traumatic mental illnesses, although select people may use that as a reason to sympathize with them in some cases.

the thing is, when we try to diagnose people with something we have little knowledge about over things like cheating or lying, or even worse things like full-on criminal actions—we are not actually doing anything good. that guy who hurt you isn’t a narcissist just because he lied about having someone else’s number in his phone; that girl who killed out of curiosity and then regretted isn’t a psychopath just because she put her morals on hold for a few weeks; they are just people. as horrible of people as you may consider them, people are able to do horrible things, and you can be a horrible person without being mentally ill.

instead of demonizing the mentally ill and assuming that every violent person has to be some level of insane, we need to realize that the average person is capable of doing the most horrifying shit out of curiosity and greed.

Purpose and Direction

Mental illness is something that has only, in recent decades, been properly acknowledged. With the help of the pandemic, it was pushed to the forefront of the social consciousness as people struggled to adapt to the new dorm of lockdowns. yet, even in this day and age, there is still a stigma associated with getting professional help to address the underlying issues of one’s psyche. And while society is focused on the high levels of anxiety and depression in our youth, in an age where purpose is almost impossible to find and apathy pervades even the brightest of minds, it should be noted that no age group is immune to mental illness.

Or its consequences.

From a personal level, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m no stranger to suicide ideation. After all, when the world seems such a challenge, when all I do is float around, never hitting the milestones in life that others have, there have been days when I’ve wondered if the struggle is worth it. It just seems easier to remove oneself from the equation. To put an end to needless pain and suffering.

And this is exactly where we find Alfre “Frey” Holland in the opening moments of Forspoken. As the game begins, players find the main character on trial for theft. Which is her third misdemeanour. If not for the sympathetic judge, Maya Bird, and the fact that it’s nearly Christmas, Frey might be on a one-way trip to jail.

Fortunately for our protagonist, she gets off with community service instead. After all, the game needs to game. And putting Frey in prison isn’t going to lead to the events of Forspoken now, is it?

As Frey leaves the courts, however, she is accosted by the very thugs that asked her to steal a car and deliver it to their boss. She managed to escape but later the miscreants find the apartment Frey has been squatting in and burn it down. Along with the cash she had accrued to finally escape the mightmare her life had become.

Honestly, not being able to pick up the gym bag full of money bfore Frey went searching for Homer, WHILE THE APARTMENT WAS ON FIRE had me screaming at the screen. Every interaction I had with it, Frey would refuse to pick it up, commenting that she needed to find her cat. 

I know the game needs a reason for Frey to hit rock-bottom but learn some common sense!

Anyways, without the means to escape her current situation and having nowhere else to turn, Frey hands Homer to Maya Bird and then contemplates what to do with her life atop the Crossroads Hotel near the Holland Tunnel where she was found as a baby. As Frey debates whether or not to jump, she spots something in the corner of her eye. Breaking into the shop, she find a strange glittering vambrace and, as she reaches for it, is suddenly thrust into Athia.

Just like Alice, in her favourite book, Frey is now in a brand new world. But Athia is no Wonderland. Whereas Lewis Carroll, also known as Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, crafted a whimsical world with grinning cats and mad tea parties, the world of Athia is not nearly as fanciful. Rather, it is a world on the brink of collapse. And when viewed from the lens that its current state is a reflection of Frey’s tenuous mental state: her bone-deep depression that is just one bad day away from utter destruction, it makes sense that the world, although filled with fantastical landscapes and magic, is also a vast empty land devoid of people. Abandoned towns scatter the countryside and the only ‘living’ things are the creatures that have been corrupted by the Break. And as I was exploring the world, I couldn’t help but feel that the land itself was much too drab and washed-out (unless, of course I was in the heavy break-infused lands near the Tantas’ palaces. But those were really just word filters). It was only in photo mode where I could adjust the colour and saturation that Athia felt more alive.

After an encounter with a dragon, Frey begins her quest to find a way back home to New York and her cat, Homer. Along the way, she is forced to fight against the corrupted Tantas. In the process, she becomes a beacon of hope for the surviving denizens of Athia, even though the idea of being a hero is something she struggles to accept until the end. The weight of expectations and the duty thrust upon is something that Frey fights against throughout much of the game. An understandable reaction if one considers her fraught childhood and her difficult circumstances right before she was transported to Athia.

Some might have complained that her refusal to take up the call goes against the usual plucky video game protagonist, or makes her weak, but I thought this characterisation for Frey particularly apt. If I fell into another world that was suffering from a particular malaise and learned that I was their only hope, I’d be scared, too, of picking up that mantle. More so if I had a history of falling through the cracks of society as others failed to provide aid when I needed it and failing to meet the expectations of others.

But, supported by the townspeople that believe in her, such as Auden, Johedy and Pilo, Frey is able to push past the fear that held her back and save the broken land once and for all from the machinations of the evil daemon, Susurrus.

Of course, even by game’s end, Athia is not entirely free of the Break. While the work of trying to clear it may seem daunting, Frey and the Athians are content to put in the hard yards to rebuild. Just because you defeat the ancient demon of destruction doesn’t mean that the world suddenly returns to normal. As with mental health, saving Athia (and oneself) is a journey of thousands upon thousands of little steps. It’s about reprogramming the biases that we have. It’s about taking some time for yourself so that you don’t collapse when you focus on looking after others. And it’s also about accepting those bad parts of yourself and reconciling it with your strengths as a whole.

In not many games have I seen such a thorough exploration of mental health beyond Psychonauts. For, if we are to take the metaphor even further, Susurrus himself is that inner negative voice we have inside. The one that tells us we aren’t worthy. That we’re ugly. That we’re stupid and will fail whatever endeavour we try our hand at. I know that as a writer, I’m one of my own worst critics. Rereading some of my works, I can’t help but pinpoint every misspelling or error. Worse is when I’m editing my long-form stories and wonder why I spent so long on something so horrendously atrocious. It would be easier if I simply deleted everything.

Fittingly, sussurus is a noun that means whispering, murmuring or rustling: “The susurration of the wind in the trees.”

I suppose my only gripe with the mental illness angle of Forspoken is how each Tanta breaks. Theirs is not some slow descent. Somehow, Susurrus manages to push them over the brink and they suddenly go from well-meaning protector to outright tyrant. Or suddenly develop a split personality. I’d have preferred witnessing the descent into so-called ‘madness’ rather than be peppered by notes from the citizens that speak of the sudden reversal in the Tantas demeanour.

And for that matter, I’d have liked to have seen, rather than read, what life had been like in Athia before. Or to hear of the world before the Break from the older residents of Cipal. Forspoken, much like The DioField Chronicle has a lot of world-building and lore that is relegated to the background but remains untouched by the main narrative. It would have shown better the hope the people carried and the resignation they had reached after twenty years of worsening circumstances.

Beyond the story elements, Forspoken is a fun game especially in terms of traversal. After all, it’s not everyday that the main protagonist is a dexterous mage that can do magic parkour. While I did find some of the controls a little floaty or inexact, I loved being able to climb cliffs and watch the trail of magic that Frey left behind as she ran, jumped and floated to her next destination. Combat, too, was a blast. While I know that there are people who complained about it after playing the demo, I thought each set had its own unique quirks. It helped that enemies, too, had vulnerabilities or resistances to certain types of magic, which allowed me to change them on the fly when needed.

Of course, there’s no need to actually change the type of magic one liked best if you were overlevelled, but the different effects and the flashiness of the spells were quite enjoyable to see. That and the fact that you could switch them around on the fly with a button prompt.

Now, the dialogue. The one point that many critics and players alike too umbrage against. For me, personally, I never found anything to dislike about the exchanges between Frey and Cuff. Some people pointed to the awkward writing when Frey discovered she had powers and I retort that if I could suddenly move things with my mind, I’d probably say the same thing. The only character that I felt was lacklustre in delivery was actually the bard: Wallace. Most of his lines sounded like they had been phoned in or they were just said awkwardly.

Once you’ve played through Biomutant and had to deal with the grating narrator commenting on your every move, there isn’t anything else that compares.

Long story short, I enjoyed my time with Forspoken. While I was a little hesitant at first, seeing all the negative impressions of the game, I thought it best to still give it a fair go. And while the ending message was a little on the nose, reminding me of the one I wrote for my short story Unseen, I still feel like it bears repeating. If you are going through something hard or difficult, you are not alone. Help is available! You are NOT a burden. People DO care. Even if it’s just one other life, you HAVE made an impact and you have CHANGED it for the BETTER.

I’m also just going to insert a link to crisis lines for anyone that may need it right here:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

And hey, you never know if you might just isekai into another world and become its saviour. 

On a site note, I definitely felt there were a few longing looks that were exchanged between Frey and Auden. But maybe that’s just me trying to see if there’s anything I can latch my fantasies onto. In any case, a sequel to Forspoken might be a far-off dream considering its poor performance.

After reading the reforms on abolitionanddisabilityjustice.com I'd like to share a story!

Please please heed these trigger warnings because this rant will not be very filtered.

>!severe depression!<

>!Homelessness!<

>!Mental illness!<

>!unsupportive family!<

>!heavy SH!<

>!drug use!<

When I turned 19 I had just transitioned out of longer term residential care due to a break down I will talk about at a different time. Alot of my life at this point was filled with regrets, my family completely unsupportive to my transition left me solely reliant on myself in the southern California housing market. I had managed to get into a halfway house that was suppose to help me keep my head up while I worked on something more permanent, but being the young trans guy in a really shitty cramped area had severe affects.

Those that respected my choices were known, and those that didn't made it clear I needed to go. By the second month, I was already back to my harming ways. Nothing deep at this point, but still enough that I couldn't handle it. My mom kept telling me about how great life is without me, and my older sister relished in my horrible state. Both her words and my sisters smile swim in my head today.

A couple days before my birthday I had a routine inspection/drug test to be able to live where I did. Although I was a trustworthy person and hadn't even tried weed at this point, they still watched me go. I had cuts on my upper thighs, light but often enough that the faucility immediately terminated my lease and took my rent money away. I was told to evict off the property by the end of the day, and spend the beginning of it calling everywhere looking for a place. My treatment center I had just graduated from refused reentry without hospitalization, and I didn't want to go back into one of those again.

I took off and eventually holed up in a hostel around the area so I wasn't suffering, but was back to a single suitcase with everything I owned. My cutting from then got immediately worse, to the point of needing stitches but I was being left to suffer, even going to therapy weekly, being on meds, I still was homeless, working two jobs to just keep a shelter roof over my head, and fell down a path of peddling. I had to crawl my way out of that hole with the aid of my boyfriend. I was dead inside and out, and without family willing to help..

This could have been avoided if the treatment center would of taken me back, like they're commitment was suppose to be. It would of been better if more homeless mental health clinics existed or we had better support for crisis situations.

This wouldn't of been so horrible if the halfway house didn't kick me out, and had chosen to help like marketed. You don't respond to a problem by making more. People with chronic mental health, even self sabotaging ones, can repair themselves and find a reason to live. They may be the intern, the barista, the car valet, but they're out there. When society resigns someone to the pits it destroys spirits and corrupts lives. Do not let it keep happening.

Some blogs to check:

Thinkingautismguide.com/2016/07/blackdisabledlivesmatter-vs.html

bgdblog.org/2013/07/2013729disease-is-not-a-metaphor/

⟨Jon Moxley. Trans male. he/him. 45.⟩ We just saw Zmei Lazarevich entering Haymann’s Distillery. I heard through the grapevine that they are a Sports Writer and Combat Sports Commentator and sometimes go by Koschei the Deathless. Although he is with the media, he can sometimes be envious, demanding, or even belligerent but I’ve also heard some people say that they were (begrudgingly) fatherly, objective and quite disciplined.— Moss. they/them. 23. EST. violence against children (<10)

AESTHETIC | MUSIC | ASK | LONDON FALLING

[sideblog of kingbriar]

STATS

Real name: Zmei Lazarevich [Dead name: Yekaterina]

Code name: Koschei

Alliance: None (could be bought)

Job: former Prizefighter (Heavyweight Boxing champ/No-Gi Grappling & BJJ NAGA champ/etc) and Olympic Boxing Coach, current Sports Writer and Combat Sports Commentator

Age: 45

Physical: 6', 225 lbs

Birthplace: Podolsk, Russia

DOB: December 10, 1978

Star sign: Saggitarius

Gender: Trans Male (he/him)

Sexuality: Demisexual, Biromantic

FC: Jon Moxley

BIOGRAPHY

Second child from a blue collar family on the fringes of Podolsk, both parents worked factory jobs (mother only part time to manage children). Occasionally watched by a neighbor, an unmarried doctor that worked nights and was the first to make some offhand mention of the “mental illness” that led to homosexuality or people believing themselves to be “the wrong gender” and how they were “treated”. He disappeared from his apartment without a trace when Zmei was 10. To this day Zmei thinks about whether that man was gay and trying to help a fellow queer, or was just trying to correct him early.

Factories had been shutting down or laying off mass amounts of workers already as the union fought about 8 wars with itself, but shut down quickly after Communism and the Soviet Union officially fell in 1991. The family was left scrambling. Zmei was 13.

Scrappy kid needs money? Prizefighting is easy to fall into with so many laid off, angry men looking for an excuse to beat someone up. Zmei starts spending more time focusing on strength and technique, and blue collar Russians are Riddled with machismo and unattainable ideas of masculinity. This does not help the transness, especially with having to “pose as a boy” for safety. 

Rising tension within his family and himself pushed Zmei to run away at 16 with some badly forged paperwork and a dream to one of the new democratic states. Moldova was still largely disorganized, and he was able to get some better, if still inconsistent refugee documentation, but it used the name Zmei and listed him as male. He bounced around continental europe a bit before landing in the UK at 18 (1996), where he is able to officially start to medically transition in ‘96-97 (T, Reassignment Surgery, etc) with NHS access

Instead of purely doing illegal prizefighting, Zmei discovers unsanctioned death matches on the Indie wrestling circuit (turns out, gender is stored in a Crimson Mask and a broom wrapped in barbed wire), and various coaches try to take this kid with a lot of Survival Skills in for actual training in a range of styles (Boxing, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu/Submission Grappling, etc) to build technique  so he isn’t so reliant on weapons and blood in matches 

After training for a while, he signs up for a beginner NAGA tournament and does much better than expected, which sparks a Deep competitiveness in him. Focusing in on one title, medal or belt at a time, he trains right with single mindedness and deadly focus that gives him a real sense of calm. Winning is  almost addictive, training almost to the breaking point then collecting a new trophy and starting over again, collecting local/national recognition in both boxing and grappling. A lot of his money still comes from being a punk indie wrestler who’s always willing to bleed or do a wild stipulation match for cash and collecting extra from all the people who bet against him.

In 2015, Zmei was competing in a Master Expert Super-Heavyweight No-Gi NAGA championship, and was put into a deadly knee lock for nearly two minutes. He refused to tap, and eventually was able to power out of it when his opponent tried to shift his grip and win the round by pinfall before collapsing. Forcing his way out of the lock had fractured his patella and pieces of his upper tibia, leading to irreparable damage to both ACL and MCL tendons. To this day, Zmei uses a cane when walking/standing for more than a couple minutes, but he DID. NOT. TAP.

Zmei’s more surprised than anything when he’s contacted by the Underdog’s parents about coaching their son for the upcoming Olympics, then realizes he’s accumulated more practice and skill along with titles and credits than he’d realized and after his injury has gained decent renown in British Combat Sports. Besides, it’s boxing, so as long as he can correct Kaan’s footwork, his coaching doesn’t require his knees to be in top shape.

The fallout of the Embezzlement Scheme hits him hard, especially when people start to investigate to see if he was involved at all, and it suddenly looks Very Suspicious that his immigration paperwork doesn't line up after he technically immigrated illegally to avoid persecution for being queer in post-soviet Russia. The fall from grace isn’t pretty, and he’s messily outed to the public.

He handles it as well as he can. Stays in sports, but tries to disappear a bit, facelessly scripting for the anchors who are actually seen on TV and writing weekly sports columns for the paper. But words are hard and he misses his people, misses the rush of a good match and the infectious primal energy of watching someone bleed. On his own time, he starts guest commentating on indie wrestling shows, which slowly leads back to his old home: illegal dark matches in a seedy basement or old warehouse. Seeing himself in a lot of the scrappy kids trying to make a name for themselves, he starts to coach again, then eventually gets tied up in booking; matching up pure boxing/BJJ/etc if fighters want, but reminding fighters that the audience wants/spends more money on bloodsport.

Despite the state of his knee, training with the wide variety fighters in the underground circuits keeps him sharp. If he wanted, he could absolutely kill a man seven different ways with his cane, standing on one leg. He hopes he won’t have to.

OTHER NOTES

Zmei - name comes from dragons in Russian folklore. Sometimes they are male or female, purely multi-headed serpents or humanoid, and generally very mutable. Trans dragon name. 

Mans whole torso is Covered in various scars, especially from barbed wire, glass, thumbtacks, the Forks™️ etc in death matches. He’s a lil too proud of how well his top surgery scars blend in with the rest, esp 20ish years later

Potential Connections: 

 Underdog - Mr. Miyagi type vibe? once and future coach? They find each other again in illegal fights a couple years later and reconnect?

Tower/Combat types - Fights are always open, grinder needs meat and he’s willing to help them beef up 

Gang Leaders - Zmei is many things, but Rich isn’t one. If needed, this old master could be hired by either gang, or even the govt strike team for the right financial compensation.

Doctors - Mans is chronically in pain from something, whether that’s his knee, a back that’s taken too many bumps, etc or just checking in on his dosage of T that he’s been on for about 20 years.

Casino folks/Gamblers - It's a low form of entertainment, but gladiatorial combat is lucrative. Is the Red Rose casino looking for a business deal? Are they trying to shut this gambling den down, or completely neutral to a Neutral party?

the new chapter was so good!!! i love seeing needy matty and the both of them getting a tiny bit close to communicating properly but also devastating still seeing matty sabotage his own pleasure :( though it is a bit funny how clueless joshua is that while he is doing whatever amelia and matty are having probably some of the most intimate experiences you can have with another person and is only vaguely clocking on to it.

also, the bit about not showering made me think about all the comments he gets about not showering and it makes me a bit upset that although we dont know what is going on with him on a deep personal level the 'woke' and 'tolerant' left once again proves itself hypocritical (and while you could argue that a lot of these people arent really leftists that fails to meaningfully address those issues and merely shoehorns them under another name) especially because even if it is just jokes its both just unfunny and neglecting the real impact of mental illness

its also interesting to note how once again the only real pleasure he gets is either through pain or pleasuring others

i am also dreading whatever will (or whoever wont) come from those final messages

OH MY GOD ETHAN BESTIEE 💗💗💗😭 thank you so much for reading so thoughtfully. I’m going to save this and look at it and read it again hahaha.

Yessss, it’s so annoying. I mean, unfortunately he got mocked for his appearance quite a bit. But, like, as anyone with mental health struggles knows, taking care of yourself is one of the first things that begin to decline when you’re struggling. And it pisses me off to no end that “woke” people pay lip service to “oh you must prioritize yourself. Take care of your mental health is so important” but then fail to support you in any meaningful way while you try to do that. Even worse, shame you for struggling. Make it make sense. Like idk maybe it’s just me but I have a lot of internalized guilt over that shit lmao.

And sure he’s a celebrity and he’s rich or whatever. idk about the rest of yall. But when I’m feeling like that? No amount of money or clothes or whatever is going to change that. Cuz it’s not really about these material things in that moment.

As for who/what will come next….well it’s gonna be interesting (I hope) haha.

Calling all BMC Writers!

Hello fellow BMC nerds :>

If this project hasn't shown up to you yet or if you're not in the Discord server, then you probably haven't heard about this project I'm working on: Feelin' Kinda Cocky!

Feelin' Kinda Cocky is a Be More Chill dating sim/visual novel where you play as Michael, and romance one of four love interests at Middleborough high (not including secret routes and possible polyamorous routes).

This game has been in production for two years now, but is stuck in the writing phase. I just recently completed Rich's route and have just started Dustin's. Not to mention, I have a bit of early-game material for Jake and Jeremy. Between school, extracurriculars, and taking care of my mental health, it has taken me a long time to write. However, I was recently prescribed ADHD meds, which will tackle my executive dysfunction. That, combined with a lofty New Years resolution, I'm aiming to get all of the writing done before the end of 2023. ...Especially because the artists for this game have been extremely patient with me, and I want them to be able to contribute sooner rather than later. Although I might have one or both of 'em draw some stuff to make the Tumblr page look nicer-

So that's why I'm here! To looks for some likeminded writers in the BMC fandom, which I know there are many on Tumblr lmao- If you're interested in helping out, there's two options right now:

The FKC Community Idea Drop:

The FKC Community Idea Drop is a Google Doc for you to just drop your ideas down. Are there any post-Squip ideas/drabbles/scenarios/dynamics you've ever wanted to see fully realized? Well throw 'em on the doc! If your idea makes it into the game, you'll be credited by whichever name you put on the doc, because I don't believe in stealing ideas. This is a non-committal way to contribute to the game at whatever pace or frequency you want. Feel free to just go wild with whatever you wanna put on there!

Link here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/134HD8ZxBILGacL5Zg165A-mU0IX3HbQqynKuyCqctIE/edit?usp=sharing

2. Joining the FKC team

Everyone who has joined the team so far (two artists and a writer) has joined completely voluntarily, purely in an effort to bring this idea to life. I feel like this is a given, but I want to make it clear that this is not a paid job for anyone involved, including myself. Just like Be Less Single, Feelin' Kinda Cocky will be published on a website and/or on Steam for free, meaning I will make absolutely no money off this game. I just want to make a fan-game with the help of my fellow fandom nerds lol

As a writer, I'm hoping we can work collaboratively to come up with storylines, route events, and dynamics between the ships. Whether you want to work on all the routes, or just focus on one ship, I'd love to work with you! I am currently one person attempting to plan out and write four separate routes, all with three different endings if you don't include secret routes, which I will write myself regardless.

I will also say, if you want to multitask (for example, be an artist or a programmer while also being a writer), go ahead.

For the writing (and the game as a whole), I want to make it clear that I care a great deal about positive representation. And I don't mean just making cute little scenes of our favorite ships (though that is absolutely apart of the game); I mean accurately depicting things like trauma, mental illness, neurodivergency, queer experiences, relationships and friendships, so on and so forth. Not only because all the things I listed are important to me, but because they're extremely important to a lot of other people, especially within this fandom.

Now, if there are any other ways you'd want to contribute to Feelin' Kinda Cocky's development, let me know! And if you have any questions at all, my inbox is always open, and so is the Discord server (linked on this Tumblr page)!

Thank you to everyone who's been with the development so far! Hopefully, this turns out awesome when it's done :)

I don't think I explained this well, so let me elaborate - I've misjudged people pretty badly before. A friend of mine met Ezra Miller - who I was a big fan of - and commented how nice he was. I don't need to tell you how badly wrong we both were about him.

However...I just don't see this with Michael (I did laugh at that "journalist" on here who apparently thinks Pete Doherty is worth defending but Michael isn't). I see a hell of a lot of signs of genuine mental illness and drug abuse, which is a terrible combo. Seeing those new pictures was beautiful because you can see the difference in him, the genuine happiness.

I hope he gets another chance at acting, because he's talented and deserves it. If Robert Downey Jr can come back after doing two years in jail, I don't see why he can't. It was sad seeing him in films he clearly didn't believe in and were for money.

Some dickhead (I suspect this was that nutcase Eva fan again) made out that he only got jobs and music gigs because of fans like me (although I'm well past 25, you fucking dumbass), which is hilarious because you only have to look at his IMDB and the owners of those bars to see most of them were guys. And even if they were women, so fucking what? Women, believe it or not, are capable of making decisions that have nothing to do with crushes they had as teenagers. Nice misogyny, fuckface.

TL;DR fuck off being shitty to people over who they like.

in my own timeline, ed was diagnosed with brain cancer at 26 (although he was experiencing "issues"/signs when he was 25.) he tried for treatment for two months (altho no surgery, as the doctors told him he had far too many tumors, and it would be far too risky to operate on his brain) then he sought thomas, figuring he was the greatest doctor in the world, and could help him. unfortunately, even thomas couldn't. eddie was terminal.

so, eddie sought out the lazarus pit next. and he was successful in finding it, and the lazarus pit even ""cured"" his mental illnesses temporarily. (more accurately it was like Advanced Medicine, and cleared his head for a little bit before wearing off.) with a clearer head that's full of focus and doubts, eddie was able to connect that bruce is the bat (something he had suspected before, but wasn't sure of)

the events of ""hush"" happened around a year or two after eddie had become the riddler (which he became riddler at around 24-25) although eddie had murdered a few people prior - this was his biggest feat yet, and a way to show he deserves respect. it's the first collaboration he did with joker (who even praised eddie for the jason bit) but it also caused some rogues to uh, resent eddie. some, however, didn't care as much (joker and harley, for example) or had gotten over it, since it's pretty commonplace for the rogues to use each other and backstab each other over and over again. this was also the first personal attack eddie made on the dark knight.

ever since then, though. eddie's been putting his earned money into making more elaborate death traps and puzzles. he's killed uh... many cops and politicians this way. (there have been a few ark employee deaths - but most of them were just results of being in the crossfires of eddie's escapes)

which is also why tim or damian were the first robins eddie met. dick was already nightwing by the time eddie became the riddler. as my ed's also only 30.

since the events of hush, eddie has yet to interact with thomas, or rai's al ghul.

i'm going on a short break.

uhm. things have not been going well.

i will be taking a short break (maybe a week, or so?) to get my shit back together and start working on writing again.

and while i'm at it, i'm going to explain what happened under the cut. there are triggering themes in here so please take caution when reading this.

my adoptive dad and i are not on the best terms and i don't think we'll ever be able to live how we used to.

i was very sheltered growing up (so much so that i only recently learned how to use the stove and washer, and i'm turning 19 this year) and a lot of how i act and the way i respond to things is based off what my adoptive mother did to me, and what my adoptive father *didn't* do.

i never knew how to do anything, and was considered "spoiled" by a lot of people but i don't look at it that way. i mean, sure, i had everything i needed and more but the one thing i can say i never truly had:

parents.

my adoptive mom was sick. like, she couldn't walk, sick. oftentimes i had to do a lot of shit for her. my adoptive father was always working. he was never home and when he was home, he'd never talk to me and go straight to bed.

my (adoptive) mom was really abusive. mentally, physically, you name it. and a lot of people excused it because of her "poor health". it grew so bad that i had started cutting my entire arm up. (i think i had over 100 of them, i counted. i was so angry that night.) she was allowed to do things to me that my real mom would fucking kill her for. she also touched me inappropriately for three years.

(she also pinned me to the bed to do smth to my face for some reason? i was screaming for help but the other family members looked at me like i was crazy. the only one who believes me is my real mom. i love her.)

she also screamed at me for wanting a men's shirt. a full-black shirt with the pac-man board on the back of it. ....alright. (she said if she saw me wearing it at the time, she'd rip it off me and burn it. i was like, 13.)

i also say "was" because she's dead. and i hate to say it but good fucking riddance. oh but razz, it's not right to speak ill of the dead. she wasn't a good person when she was alive, she sure isn't when she's dead.

my father found out about me cutting and told me to basically suck it up. we never talked about it again although it continued to happen for 4 more years. (thankfully, i'm three years clean now. :thumbs up:)

when mom died, a lot of responsibility fell onto him. i was 15 when she died.

and he still treated me as if i didn't exist.

i was never important to him, never someone worth caring but his own children were. and i hate to fuckin say it, but if i was his own child, he'd pay more attention to me.

i've asked him for stuff that should've been taught to me. how to prepare myself for real life, how to do things that he can show me, but he's so obsessed with his reality ("money is everything") that he doesn't seem to notice. or maybe he does but doesn't care.

don't get me wrong, i love him. he's been a father figure to me all my life. but...

he's accused me of being a thief multiple times (i was not), told me that i needed to be put in a mental institution, and said that i was basically good for nothing. he also canceled my therapy appointments without telling me, and misgenders me constantly even though i remind him and remind him that i'm trans. (i've been out to him for two years, and out to my family for one.)

i know that he's old. (he's 70.) i know that he forgets things but goddamn it, he remembers all of my sister's shit. why can't i be special?! why am i the failure kid?!

i wish i could make up with him but lord knows i'm not forgiving him. i will fucking cut him off. i don't care if i'm in his will anymore. he pulled the same "you'll be sorry when i'm dead" shit my mother used to pull and to that i say "FUCK YOU".

that's the main story of everything. i could get into much worse (i've been through everything) but that's enough venting for me. sorry if i've made anyone uncomfortable.