This post is me madly projecting with some x reader stuff. Not requested, I had the idea and my besties said "YES DO IT" so this is happening now lmao.

This has been on my drafts for a looooong time, so that's why I'm actually posting this now lmao.

Octavinelle Trio x Reader who is autistic with a special interest in Moray Eels

Azul Ashengrotto

Azul first laid eyes on you for purely business reasons. During the holiday season, the Mostro Lounge stays understaffed most times, and you were oh so kindly falling into his flourished word traps to strike a deal.

He, however, would have never expected all you wanted from him was to know all about Moray Eels that he, as a merfolk, knew. That was... rather odd and maybe even boring?

He got intrigued, were you trying something with the twins? They were his most loyal workers, so he couldn't allow you to do anything.

When you get into a relationship, after much hard work on both parts, he expected, no, hoped you would change this special interest from the slimy eels to the much more interesting octopus.

You... didn't quite catch the hints, though, and this has led to some rather jealous and insecure moments with Azul. Especially if the twins were involved.

One could say that he was so insecure, in fact, that he felt ashamed of even showing his octomerman form to you.

But after you realized all this jealousy and insecurity on his part, you did all you could to show how much you love him and appreciate him for the way he is.

Now your eel-filled room has a little octopus cove, full of things that remind you of Azul or that he enjoys so that he has a safe space to come to.

He still will glare at your Eel stuff when cuddling, almost as if the carnivores were real and trying to get a bite out of you.

"I suppose it wouldn't be bad to stay a bit in here, with you, if you promise me you won't be cuddling those slimy eels to sleep, but rather this much more elegant and cuddly octopus plushie..."

Floyd Leech

Floyd first approached you on a whim. He was bored, you looked interesting enough, and you didn't seem to have any sense of self to run away from him in fear of getting squeezed till you popped, and as such, he stuck for a while.

You were quite different from most people he knew, and sometimes you reminded him a bit of himself or Jade, which gave you some points on his side.

The thing that made him stay, though, was the moment you opened your mouth and asked him if he ever saw a Moray Eel.

You're really asking that? To him? A literal Eel-merman? Hah!

He did indulge you for a while because you actually seemed to know your facts. He would just push you around, sometimes carry you on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, while you blabbered out.

When it came to you two dating, it was very much a surprise for everyone. Floyd? Sticking to someone for so long? That's new.

Floyd tends to cling to you a lot, and even though it gets boring to him real quick that you repeat your eel facts, he cannot for the life of him stop you, since when you ramble is the best time to cuddle.

Floyd will, though, get easily jealous of your eel collection. You have the real eel deal (ha!), and you keep cuddling the plushies? Meanie :(

He will constantly just take the plushie off of your hands and plop himself on top of you. No fake eel, just the real deal.

He didn't really tell you he was a mer-eel, he actually just oh so happened to be taking a swim when you were close, and oh, look, he is an eel!

He lets you play with his fins and will take any chance he can get to use you as his cleaning shrimp to get sand off of him. He just like how your little cute hands feel scrubbing the sand from him, it is like exfoliation!

"hey hey, guppy, wanna do something fun? ya can bring the tiny morays with ya, if ya don't mind a bit of dirt, ahahah~!"

Jade Leech

First met you as a tutor for your work at the Mostro Lounge, per Azul's request.

Found your mannerisms quite interesting, you reminded him of himself and a bit of Floyd too.

He was happy when you didn't distance yourself from him when he talked about his interest in mountains or Mushrooms.

In return, you told him you really really really liked Eels. Specially Morays.

He faked not knowing it and let you talk about it since as long as he could rant about his fungi findings he didn't mind having to hear what he already knew.

When you two began dating, he was very perceptive of your needs. sometimes to a scary level, actually.

He doesn't mind at all your eel-filled room. he finds it endearing, and he even uses some miniatures you buy to put on terrariums he gifts to you.

Autistic x autistic relationship, basically.

He will use your eel interest against you in a silly way, like "I can show you an incredible moray fact if you perhaps go hiking with me :)"

Tbh if you are with him, you should do the same. Makes things fun for you both.

Floyd and Azul are so tired of hearing the both of you talk about each other and enabling each other's interests, but Jade will never judge you. And he will actually shove shiitake mushrooms down other's throats if they do judge you.

The moment he showed you his mer form as per your request, after knowing from Floyd that they both are eels.

Jade doesn't mind you picking and prodding around his mer form if it makes you happy, but if you keep your guard down he will fake drowning you "just for fun :)"

Make sure to hide his mushrooms in return, or he will try funny business again, just saying.

"Oya~ I would never intend to purposefully hurt you, my pearl. But a predator is inclined to bite when their jaws are so open near a cute prey, fufufu~"

I wanted to write something for my fave trio for a while, so I hope yall like this! Other posts and the request for Bee and Vixx will be done shortly after this, Since I already have it in my drafts almost finished! Hope yall enjoy a bit of eeltism!

The X-Files: Mulder and Vulnerability

(Dedicated to @dd-is-my-guiltypleasure~. Merry Christmas!)

I've made a post about Mulder's emotional journey before (post here, it's a good read) but not about the broader scope of his vulnerabilities in past and present relationships.

So! Let's start at the very beginning-- after all, it's the very best place to start.

Mulder's Emotional Expression: Ground Zero

The Pilot gives us a clue of Mulder's emotional barometer: within thirty minutes we've learned that his nature is naturally trusting despite distrusting everyone, that he is tactile and touch-starved, and that he is shocked anyone would seek or could derive comfort from him during a crisis.

Mulder strings Scully along for the first twenty-five minutes of the episode before she runs to his room, terrified of a mosquito bite, and promptly clings to him in a mixture of ebbing fear and relief. As noted in my other post, Mulder is taken aback-- shaking his head in confusion and awkwardly patting her on the shoulder, following her with his eyes then his feet to a set of chairs-- before handing over his motel bed and heartbreaking backstory. From then on out, his hand gravitates to her back; and he factors her naturally into his rhythms, e.g. running after her to share his awe at the experience in the woods.

This incident locks in Mulder's investment very early on; and the events of the next two episodes-- rescuing him from the base in Deep Throat and taking his side on a man-monster case in Squeeze-- solidifies that quickset bond even further.

His reliance on Scully shifts after her support in Conduit, exposing itself in (even more) blatantly territorial jealousy in The Jersey Devil, fervent appeal in Ice, dedicated determination in Lazarus, and cloistered, singular trust in E.B.E. and Tooms.

But a little interesting thing happens in both Conduit and Roland that singles them out from the rest of Season 1: Mulder is brought to the brink of tears, breaking down to himself in a church and almost letting them fall later in Roland's care home.

As we see often throughout the series, Mulder rarely gives in to his emotions, and (almost) never completely. While this could be a symptom of being raised in the 60s and 70s with very poor parental support after his sister's abduction, it's even more enlightening-- and distressing-- to notate when Mulder cries and why he stops.

Mulder cries in Conduit because no one is there to check his tears; Mulder cries in Roland because Roland is less conscious of societal expectations and responds more openly to Mulder's honest fears. And Roland is the only person Mulder almost cries in front of for years: during Scully's abduction and return and near-death, he sought the solitude of his apartment; during his "sister's" return and death, he tried to keep his "weakness" from Scully and his father; even during his father's apology and murder, he put his pain aside and focused on revenge. It's not until Herrenvolk that Mulder finally cries in front of Scully, and only briefly; and after that, not for another three years.

And Mulder's reactions to his "slip ups" are the death knell to any other possible speculation. David Duchovny nailed the self-rebuking, ashamed, almost fearful look Mulder gives himself and his surroundings whenever his sobs become loud or noticeable: ashamed, afraid he'll get caught, certain he'll be rebuked for his weakness.

So, what is the deciding factor between his tears in solitude and his open weeping? Simply put: activated childhood guilt.

He "failed" in End Game, and chokes on his regret and tears while being torn down by his father. He "failed" in Anasazi, and his father dies, gurgling on blood and begging for forgiveness. He "failed" in Oubliette, and cries publicly over Lucy Householder's drowned body. He "failed" in Herrenvolk, and sobs on Scully's shoulder after turning her for immediate and necessary comfort. He "failed" in Paper Hearts, and never lets the tears spill over. He "failed" in Gethsemane and Redux II, and stifles his agony in pillows and shame. He "failed" in Kitsunegari, and almost crumbles on the floor next to his "partner." He "failed" in Sein und Zeit, and finally breaks under the irreparability of his mother's death.

Further, the separate pains that afflict Mulder might seem similar-- assigning guilt and blame to himself for a loved one's death-- but they are very different: Scully's abduction, return, near death, and cancer, as well as his father's appeal and sudden murder, were a result of his work. Yes, those haunt him; but in maturer ways, weighing-in motives other than his own. However, the continual roller coaster of Samanthas waltzing in and out of his life and his mother's two deathbeds are a direct result of his "failure" to save his little sister; and the internal wounds he and his mother carry (until her death and his closure) touch the very wick of his soul, burning away the barriers he's erected to maintain what little peace he clings to.

The Samantha Angle

Samantha is the quickest way to squeeze tears from Mulder.

As a child, Mulder was incredibly expressive person, jumping around in glee, stomping on his Spock ear, and yelling happily while running circles around his sister (Dreamland II); and that was still evident during his prepubescent years (Demons and Little Green Men.)

But he stopped emoting after Samantha's abduction, just as his father's affection seemed to fade (Bill Mulder filming his family in Dreamland II contrasted to his behavior in Season 2) and his mother's gregarious attention became restrained (Tena in Dreamland II versus Tena the rest of the series.) The loss of his sister changed the dynamics of the Mulder household; and, like Mulder said in the Pilot, they never recovered. For him, emotional guarding became all-important, as he now had to answer to an unforgiving father and nursemaid his grieving mother (see post here and here.)

Even after Scully ran to Mulder for safety and comfort (i.e. Pilot, Irresistible, and Milagro), he never quid pro quo'd until Tena "died"-- both times-- and there was no optimistic hope for Samantha's return left to cling to.

Conduit is the first time Mulder sheds tears-- the most unrestrained moment early on in the series-- wallowing in grief over the failure of this case and its similarities to his sister's story.

End Game destroys the second chance of Colony; and Mulder barely holds himself together as his father let him take all the blame for the "death" of his sister.

Anasazi is the second time Mulder loses emotional control; but it's later tempered by the revelation of his father's work, weakening and breaking this particular guilty tie to Samantha.

Oubliette is the first of two nightmarish cases relating to Samantha; and, despite his best efforts, Lucy Householder dies. Her death is the one and only time that Mulder sheds tears in public where everyone could see.

Talitha Cumi and Herrenvolk gives Mulder a cure for Tena and third chance with his sister (or another clone), then yanks both of them away. Too raw to reinforce his safeguards, he cries for Tena at her bedside and again-- and for the first time-- on Scully's shoulder. (However, the violent passion of Conduit has to wait for Sein und Zeit to publicly exhibit.)

Paper Hearts: Mulder walks through the motions of his coping skills-- minimization and avoidance-- shutting his emotions away with the last cloth heart.

Demons and Redux II shows the depths of Mulder's unfettered pain, torment, and anguish... but even still, he won't allow himself to completely give way, either for his "memories" or another lost Samantha. (It's easy to lump his cries at Scully's bedside in the same vein as the fault he feels for Samantha; but as mentioned above-- and will be touched on again soon-- they are very separate griefs.)

Sein und Zeit is the end-all-be-all for Mulder: he cracks, resolve crumbling; and years of repressed emotions spill out messily after Tena Mulder's suicide. That she hadn't told him, that she hadn't had the faith in him to give her answers before her death, that she had left him to clean up the mess he'd "wrecked" in her life without the consolation of a last, loving goodbye destroyed him; and he finally falls apart in Scully's arms, noisy and tearful and broken. (And still up the next morning, putting his grief aside to help another family who lost their own little girl.)

But it's not just about Samantha anymore, is it? The guilt about "failing" her spread to every area of his life, consuming the relationship with his mother, his father, and to a lesser degree his friends, partners, and even Scully. It's an aspect of his vulnerability that was always on the surface, able to be easily twisted, manipulated, or extorted by sundry nefarious characters.

Mulder's Past Relationships: Then and Again

Mulder's past friendships and relationships bubble up from his past here and there, giving us ample opportunity to see how to exploit that vulnerability without directly relating to his childhood trauma.

Season 1 Mulder is more likely to reciprocate disdain with his adversaries than forge new connections; but that soft underbelly of his shown briefly in the Pilot and Conduit is revealed and targeted when ex-best buddy Jerry Lamana, ex-girlfriend Pheobe Green, and former partner and mentor Reggie Perdue filter back into his life. Even the manifestation of his childhood aspirations and dreams ends up a victim to the paranormal, inflicting yet another lash from the whip of distorted childhood nostalgia.

Jerry Lamana swoops in from the past in Ghost in the Machine, surprising Mulder with a hug and a backstab for old times' sake. Yet, despite his spite and sticky-finger ways, Jerry worms his way into his old partner's sympathy by hitting on that old, old trigger button: "Let's face it: I was tagging along. How would you know, Mulder? You were too busy dazzling them up there on the highwire."

Lieutenant Colonel Marcus Belt, Mulder's childhood hero in the flesh, ultimately betrays and disappoints his admirer as well as his crew and mission at large. And while Mulder is right-- that the man was being compelled to do something almost outside his will-- he clings too much to Belt's speech and less to the facts at hand: the colonel's appeal to Mulder's humanity won him more grace over his actions than he might justly deserve.

Phoebe Green, cruel and manipulative, exploits her old boyfriend's insecurities by transforming herself into the repentant victim, successfully playing at sultry detective to both Mulder and her new side piece. (She also reveals an underlying attraction Mulder has to danger: that he is drawn to it in spite of his distrust for it.)

Reggie Perdue is the first person from Mulder's past that he is comfortable with: a private, widowed, aspiring writer who shared his dreams with no one but his young partner. Unfortunately, those dreams are never realized; and it's his death, as well as the young agent who was murdered by the same criminal, that digs into the depths of Mulder's self-punishment and regret. And guilt, of course.

In the aftermath of Scully's return in One Breath, Mulder's past dynamics change: the people who slink back into his life are ones whose respect he craves, covets, and will bend over backwards to earn and keep. These relationships deal heavy damage to his mature adult life.

Bill Mulder: what is there not to say about Bill Mulder (post here)? But the distance in his and his son's relationship hits home when Mulder goes in for a hug and Bill deflects with a handshake. Mulder's face says it all: it'd been so long since he'd seen his father that he forgot the house rules-- Bill Mulder doesn't allow hugs. And that doesn't change until sins are atoned in Anasazi.

Bill Patterson, a bitter man with a begrudging respect, stomps into his pupil's life and on all his toes and fingers only to end the posturing in disgrace. Mulder's old teacher, it seems, was one of the first people to turn on him for his spooky reputation, mocking yet coveting the Golden Boy's incredible ability at the same time. He and Mulder fall into old patterns: baring teeth and raising hackles while trying to win the other's approval; but Mulder's emotional progress saves him from following Patterson's mad method into the black hole of insanity.

Diana Fowley, the more polished ex from Mulder's past, further underlines Mulder's draw to the allure of danger, unpredictability, and seedy underbelly of human nature. His dream of her in Amor Fati tried to transform her into both-- ala the nurses in Kill Switch-- but couldn't quite balance domestic trust and happiness with the real Diana, a woman driven by advancement over loyalty, who would grip a smoking man's shoulder and hand for a leg up.

These relationships were relatively easy to resolve when compared to the damage of his childhood; but both of these past dynamics pale in comparison to the complexities of Mulder's present, with himself and with the most important person in his life.

Another Aspect of Mulder's Vulnerability: Scully

Despite many disasters happening throughout his and Scully's first year of partnership, it's not until Darkness Falls that the switch between friendly concern to ingrained guilt occurs: Mulder, before this point, gives tips and advice-- even yelling at her recklessness in Beyond the Sea-- but her near death in the woods is the turning point of his personal responsibility. It imprints so deeply on his mind that he denies Scully's offer to let herself go down by his side in Tooms, preferring that she be saved even if his career is doomed.

Then Little Green Men, then Duane Barry, then Ascension, then One Breath.

One Breath is another turning point-- the most important-- when the guilt from Scully's (second) near-death split from the corrosive damage of Samantha's abduction: during the case, Skinner posits Mulder could be just as liable as the men who did this to his partner; and Mulder, wrung-out and worn down, weeps alone in his apartment. However, Scully's resolve and "resurrection" proved that she didn't blame him, that the men who did this to her would be held responsible, and that she was an equal warrior in this battle to find out what happened to his sister. From this point on, the wrongs done to Scully are placed in a distinct category related only to his abilities as a partner-- in the fullest sense of that word-- rather than his failures as an older brother or "Spooky" Golden Boy or know-it-all basement conspiracist. His personal shields, sarcastic reservations, and kneejerk deflections are effectively gone between them, (though they do pop up in future, defensive fights.)

And while this is healthy for their partnership and future romantic relationship, it opens the floodgates for an even greater trauma: failing her as an adult with capabilities denied to him as a child-- Scully becoming collateral in his enemies' quest to stop him.

Firewalker doubles down on this new, internal shift: Mulder gently discourages Scully from joining the case, gently encourages her to stay where it's "safe", and rushes back, overjoyed and almost overcome at finding her alive in the finale.

The brand of Mulder Guilt is peppered liberally throughout the rest of the show: comforting and accepting comfort after Pfaster and both Modells, needing her reassurance for growing old and dying too soon, presenting a birthday keychain instead of a desk (because of her cancer), being shaken by images of a past life, then losing his faith and almost losing her all within a span of five intense years.

It's a new angle to his blossoming vulnerability: the Mulder who will sacrifice himself to help others-- be it victims or acquaintances or loved ones-- has tied his happiness and emotional vulnerability to a person he could lose (but doesn't believe he will) any ordinary day on the job. It's a precarious position for them both; but is daily proof that he trust her more than life itself.

Mulder's Character Arc (ala David Duchovny)

Mulder is Mulder and will struggle with this side of himself for the rest of his life; but he's makes significant personal development over the first seven years of his partnership.

"Rigid in a wonderful way" and "My one-in-five billion," and "You've kept me honest, made me a whole person" are incredible milestone markers on this journey; but the gold star has to be handed to David Duchovny for writing Mulder's three biggest breakthroughs.

In The Unnatural, Mulder's "joyless myopia" is whipped into clearer focus when Dales opens his eyes to "life on this planet" and "the mystery of the heart"; and because of that experience, he races to the ballfield and calls Scully in, carefree and exuberant and wanting to share this-- and so much more-- with her.

This episode ties inseparably into the scenes David wrote in The Sixth Extinction: Amor Fati. Mulder's secret desires, his dream of a normal life with a loving family surrounded by safety and peace is the second step of his baseball lesson, exposing how much he wants craves "normal" but without the luxury of being able to live that life. Besides, that's not who he and Scully are. So, he resurrects out of his dreams, ready to take what he has and turn it into a new and better reality, Scully at his side.

This, again, ties in perfectly with Hollywood A.D.: Scully and he and nothing between, eschewing the glitz of showbiz for a brand of glamor all their own.

Mulder's vulnerability has evolved, shifting from distance and deflection to desperation and despair to dedication and devotion: a testament to the obstacles he's hurtled in order to live each day proud of himself, and free.

May we all aspire to emulate Fox Mulder in that way.

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!

Tell me everything about CHUYO!!

OH BOY OKAY UH

Chuyo in the game gets pretty much zero backstory because he forgor so uh. i dont know what to say that isn't a spoiler

His hair and eyes are natural! :D this very much surprised Uzomi who was like 100% sure that he dyed it and used contacts. Same with Bee her black hair strand is also natural although it has a bit of a different texture somewhow

Chuyo has absolutely 0 feeling in his legs. you could hit them with a hammer while he's sleeping and he wouldn't notice. They're also very flexible despite everything mans could put them on the back of his hear if he wanted

Because of the wheelchair he self propels with and some previous events, he actually developed some pretty decent strength in his arms, and he's one of the people who can do the most pullups out of the entire group

He's pretty normal when it comes to grades (except PE of course lol)

A species of fungus has evolved and it can now posess human corpses and move their muscles around like they're alive again, with a whole new consciousness. There have even been some news reports that there is a new mutation that can posess alive humans, and it is advised to stay inside

Because people are stupid, soon enough around half of the human population got infected, and are walking the streets trying to spread their spores, like a zombie apocalypse. Normal humans are fighting back by setting the infected in fire

You were one of the first alive people that got infected, but somehow the process didn't work correctly and now you have a little fungus buddy friend with you in your brain

You both realised this apocalypse was wrong, and are now trying to make both humans and funguses stop trying to kill/take over eachother, while trying to hide what you truly are to both sides

.

Gotta find a way to let my teenaged epic fantasy OC blast angsty angry music. I don't care if she's in the middle of a forest and doesn't know what electricity is. How the hell is she supposed to get through all this

you technically asked for this: please please please talk about scully & samantha (how scully loves her, their connection, etc etc)

(previous post on this here)

the thing about it is like…scully loves samantha in so many different ways. she has to, first and foremost, by nature of loving mulder the way she does. it comes with the territory. it’s a package deal: mulder and his trailing ghost, mulder and his quest, mulder and what “matters.” there’s no separation. he’s 3 people at all times: the man in front of her, the one in bellefleur, the little boy from the pictures with his baby sister on his back. there are no photos of mulder without samantha, none taken without her, none taken after her. and he tells scully why: “i’m still walking into that room. every day of my life.”

and i guess that scully doesn’t have to love her, but she does, because she loves that man in bellefleur who sat down and told her what matters to him. she also loves her job. she loves the work that they do. she loves being “on the side of the victim,” and chasing monsters, making discoveries. she’s cognizant and respectful of what’s at the center. there is a reason that they do this every day, and it isn’t because they get a kick out of little green men. she’s protective, she really doesn’t mess around, not when it’s this important. as early as miracle man in season one, every time anyone mentions samantha, she’s standing up. she’s on edge, she’s controlling. this is important, but it’s not to everyone.

they’re the same age. they were taken by the same people. endured the same tests. reading samantha’s diary, listening to her talk about how much she hated it, the way scully cried…she doesn���t remember this (or maybe she does) but penny northern told her once that she held her while she cried, after the tests. who held this little girl, just writing in her journal that she wanted her brother?

scully wrote a journal like that too, once, saved her testimony for that same person. in closure the way that she tells mulder to go get some sleep, and she keeps looking. when she finds the police report she tells him: “i got it, mulder. i couldn’t believe it when i saw it. it was like it was looking for me.”

she’s guided, just like missy guides. these sisters linger.

as the years go on, bill dies, then tena. csm is out hiding with the anasazis, or whatever he deems priority. there’s no one else there who knows, but scully does. scully knows that they spent their summers playing baseball. they argued over the television, called each other names. she broke her collarbone on the swing, she was 6. it’s forever his turn on their last board game.

“not fox. mulder.” she corrected her mother with a smile, she knows there’s one person who calls him that. (and still does, screaming in his head, in his dreams).

to most everyone else, samantha is a name in a file, a statistic in a project. but “dana k. scully” is 3 shelves down.

she’s a picture in a frame, a ghost in his head. words on tattered paper. she’s scully’s babies’ angel aunt, one of two, and jackson has her hair. maybe baby2 her eyes, or her smile.

scully is just as haunted, as mulder is, and she’s been closer than he could ever get. she understands more. but when it was her turn, someone held her, and she came back to a person that samantha could only write about. so they chase ghosts forever and ever, because they deserve to be sought.

Went down the En Ami rabbit hole a bit, and it seems WBD was trying to achieve a few things:

S7 was considered to be the last season right from the first ep, so a lot of threads were wrapped up and actors/directors encouraged to put whatever they wanted out there (hence All Things and Hollywood A.D., etc.) WBD wanted to do a script on his character (having not liked how CSM was protrayed in Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man) showing his menace and his twisted yearning.

En Ami was supposed to be CSM's attempt to seduce Scully with science and FAIL, even making himself ridiculous to "humanize" himself to her. I wonder what the original draft was (which included water skiing, a callback to his mild threat? to Tena in Talitha Cumi about their past) and how much it was tampered with.

WBD is very much on the side of "CSM is a repulsive baddie", going to cons faux-pretending to take his side so fans could say how awful he is, then follow it up with (loosely quoted), "Yes, but HE doesn't think so."

All in all, not a great episode-- but knowing the track record of other ideas the actors (namely David Duchovny) gave the writers only to have them hacked up and leaving said actors (namely DD) frustrated enough to finally direct their own episodes makes a lot of sense.

Interesting! Thank you. I think parts of the original script were going around once? I feel like I read some of it - and didn't really care for the episode then either. I just watched Hollywood A.D. last night and it makes sense to make such a silly episode when you think the show is going to be over soon. Though I feel by then they must have known it wasn't over.

I don't know how it is on long-lasting shows and whether actors are generally interested in writing/directing. I feel it happens quite a bit. At least the directing. DD must have been frustrated a lot cause he pitched in long before he wrote a whole episode. And can anyone blame him?

hey i just wanted to say how much I value our friendship. you're genuinely such an important person to me i am so happy seeing you in my notes screaming with me i always get so happy and you've inspired so much to draw (including but not limited to snf and twittblr) and write too when it was a quick hobby I picked up two years ago or so in a frenzy and slowly died out until you reignited it again with your fucking banger fics and i genuinely cannot be more grateful

I dont usually give myself time to truly put what I feel into words, simply going for keysmashes or quick swears or quoting memes and hoping you understand what I wanted to express and I think it was about time I made a personalised message truly using my words to get it across. you are so fucking cool you are awesome you are amazing you are talented you put so much effort into your words be it about a cozy morning organs falling apart or sucking dick. you put so much love into everything you do and it is so amazing to see. i love you man. i wish you everything good in the world ever. you dont have to answer me back with long paragraphs I think I already understand just how important I am to you and I wanted to repay you the favor by laying across the table my heart bare open for you to see

keep on loving keep on living keep on persisting despite despite despite

I am so glad I sent you that Melon Musk image, truly

-Tena

Why is Krishna called Damodar?

Damodara means one whose belly (udara) has been bound by the rope (dama). Although great sages cannot bind Krishna in their meditation, a special cowherd girl effortlessly binds Krishna with Her ropes of love. To that girl, who is famously known as the daughter of King Vrshabhanu, I offer my repeated obeisances.

Let me now explain the aprakata (unmanifest) pastime behind the origin of the name ‘Damodara’, the pastime that originally took place in the eternal abode of Goloka Vrindavana.

saṅketāvasare cyute praṇayataḥ saṁrabdhayā rādhayā

prārabhya bhrū-kuṭiṁ hiraṇya-raśanā-dāmnā nibaddhodaram

kārttikyāṁ jananī-kṛtotsava-vara-prastāvanā-pūrvakaṁ

cāṭūni prathayantam ātta-pulakaṁ dhyāyema dāmodaram

Once having missed a rendezvous with Srimati Radhika, Krishna was passionately frowned upon by Radharani and was subsequently bound up by Her golden waistband. Krishna then proceeded to justify that His delay was due to the great festival of the Karttika month that was being celebrated by His mother. I meditate on Him, who thus became known as Damodara, who in this bound condition offered many excellent words of flattery with erect goosebumps on His body.

-Originally from Bhavisyottara Purana, cited in the commentary ‘sāraṅga-raṅgadā‘ of Srila Krishna Dasa Kaviraja Goswami on ‘Sri Krishna Karnamrta’, verse 110

Expanding on the above confidential pastime, Srila Jiva Goswami writes as follows

bālye’pi bhagavān kṛṣṇas taruṇaṁ rūpam āśritaḥ | reme vihārair vividhaiḥ priyayā saha rādhayā ||119||

ekadā kārttike māsi paurṇamāsyāṁ mahotsavaḥ | āsīn nanda-gṛhe ||120||

tasmin dine ca bhagavān rātrau rādhā-gṛhaṁ yayau | sā ca kruddhā tam udare kāñcī-dāmnā babandha ha ||121||

kṛṣṇas tu sarvam āvedya nija-geha-mahotsavam | priyāṁ prasādayāmāsa tataḥ sā tam avocayat ||122||

idaṁ covāca tāḥ kṛṣṇaḥ preyasī prīta-mānasaḥ | kāñcī-dāma tvayā tanvi udare yan mayārpitam ||123||

dāmodareti me nāma priyaṁ tena śubhānane | nātaḥ prītikaraṁ nāma mama lokeṣu vidyate ||124||

nityam etat prajāpatyāṁ sarva-siddhir bhaviṣyati | bhaktiṁ ca durlabhāṁ prāpya mama loke mahīyate ||125||

ulūkhale yadā mātrā baddho’haṁ bhavitā priye | udare dāmabhir loke tadā vyaktaṁ bhaviṣyati ||126||

anena nāma-mantreṇa yo’smin māsi tvayā saha | mām arcayed vidhānena sa labhet sarva-vāñchitam ||127||

In Goloka Vrindavana, Lord Krishna eternally assumes a youthful form. In this form, He enjoys in various ways along with His beloved Srimati Radhika. Once during the Karttika month, He stayed home to celebrate the festival arranged by Paurnamasi. Due to the festivities that day, He arrived late at night to meet Srimati Radhika.

In a state of anger, She tied Him up using Her waistband as a rope. Krishna then narrated everything that had taken place at His home that caused the delay. This story appeased Her, after which Krishna said to Her, “O slender-waisted Radhika! I am most satisfied by this action of You binding Me lovingly by Your waistband. O beautiful lady, this name of Mine, ‘Damodara’, has now become dearer to Me. In this world, no other name is as dear to Me as this name.

By chanting this name, one will always have children and will attain all perfection along with the rarest forms of devotional service. One will also be able to stay eternally in My abode by chanting these names.

In the near future, when Mother Yashoda will bind me to the mortar, this name of mine will manifest in the material world. In this month of Karttika, one who worships Me with You according to the rules of the scriptures will attain the fulfilment of all desires.

-Above verses are originally found in Bhavishya Purana, Kartika Prasanga, Section of Vraja-Ratnakara Dhrta, cited by Srila Jiva Goswami in his book ‘Sri Radha-krishnarcana-dipika’ (Text 119–127)

-Text 121–122 of Sri Radha-krishnarcana-dipika has also been quoted in Priti Sandarbha, Anuccheda 367

Can I request a jason x reader were jason deems the reader "worthy" but expects them to get bored of him and stop giving him attention like all the others and that he'll turn em into a doll only to be proven wrong when the reader constantly gives em attention and affection and never gets bored of him

Like I said on my comeback post, I am truly sorry for taking an inhuman ammount of time to answer, BUT!! If you are still interested, I am here to provide the long waited response! I hope you don't mind me refering to this specific reader as the Chose One, since they fall with waht our crimson haired toymaker longs for!

Jason the Toymaker x Chosen One Reader

When Jason pursued you as the next possible chosen one, he was already, low key, expecting to be met with resistance and "unworthyness" like the rest of the dolls, but was fairly surprised with the kindness the reader gave him.

Jason was infatuated with you, feeling like he was so, so close to finding the perfect person, but the part of him that held all the grudge he has for the world believed you were only going to be a doll in the end

He fought against himself, and inner monologues in his workshop were common. Should he give in to his instincts and deliver himself fully? He felt a connection further from anything he felt before, truthfully. But the fear, the fear of losing again, the anger that would overtake him, and the horrible things he, albeit used to, would do to you, it hurt to think.

This led to him getting needier, his already overwhelming attention becoming worse.

You, through all of this, didn't falter. You kept giving him attention, love, and affection. This surprised him, it made him the tiniest of bits nervous, even.

Jason, ever since you proved how much you truly love and appreciate him, swore to himself to protect you, and make sure you feel as cherished and loved as you made him feel in that moment he so desperately needed.

He pampers you constantly, any toy you want, he makes but ten times better. Any food you want, he gives his best to cook for you. Literally anything in his power, he makes or buys or gives to you.

He makes sure to make you feel treasured by complimenting you, and he is a rather observant man. Anything different, he will find a way to compliment in the most lovestruck way.

And most of all, he makes sure that when you need attention, comfort, and love, he is there for you. He stops anything and gives all of himself to comfort you.

Not because he feels the need to, but because he knows that you deserve it.

hope you enjoy it! It has been a while since I wrote the characters, so I may be a little rusty, but I put a lot of effort into this and loved getting to write my favorite toymaker again! Have a nice day or night, and stay safe!

The Mulder Family In-Depth (Part II): The Past Is Important to the Present

It's important to backtrack into the pasts of Bill and Tena Mulder before continuing with their history, as it is easy to lose track of their true motives in the tangled web of the Conspiracy (and the conflicting dates that constantly pop up in the series.) Without further ado, back to the past we go!

Musings of a CSM

1962 on Ft. Bragg’s Center for Special Warfare is the station where Bill Mulder and Spender are currently bunk neighbors.

After their morning run, Bill walks into the barracks smiling over his son’s photograph, 

trying to engage Spender in a conversation so he can show off his son to his friend. Before Spender is called away, he finally takes the picture, studies it, and stares unemotionally as Bill’s proudly boasts: “My one-year-old just said his first word.” 

“What was the word?”

“JFK.”

He doesn’t notice Spender’s lingering eyes on Tena’s face, or that he continues to silently stare as it’s placed beside Bill’s bed. 

It's important to assess Bill and Spender's friendship, as it is pivotal to the slow, toxic ruin of Bill Mulder's inner peace and moral core.

The relationship between the two is friendly, but surface-level-- more warmth is on Bill’s side and more secrets on CSM’s. In hindsight, it’s easy to see that Spender was obviously smitten with Tena the fact remains there was more at work than Bill was aware of concerning his friend’s intentions. His easy-going nature and unsuspecting gullibility is readily exploited later by Spender and his associates. 

More importantly, there was no way that CSM could have been the father of Fox Mulder, unless he had had a fling with Tena right before her wedding in 1961. The creative writing team and their issues with canon's timeline aside-- Bill was newly married in '61 but was also married and had a family in the 50s while Travelers was taking place-- the two men have a cordial but not overly familiar relationship in ‘62 as next-door bunk buddies; but it’s not on the intimate level it is years later when CSM openly calls his friend Bill. If Bill and Spender met in ‘62 while they were in basic training, he was already a year too late-- Fox Mulder was born October 1961, and was already a year old in 1962 when this conversation took place-- meaning that Bill and Tena had married right before or after the birth of their son, making either him a baby conceived out of wedlock or a honeymoon baby. 

At the very least, Spender’s attachment to the photograph can be boiled down to longing for Tena in some way:

either from having met her sometime after her wedding or having a more than casual interest in her beauty from the photograph. (I subscribe to that last thought, as it would be in line with CSM’s weird fixations he has on women that he’s never spoken to but subtly studied unawares-- it would also be in line with the rest of his behavior in this episode.) And even, perhaps, curiosity in her son-- unlikely, as he seemed to barely respond to Bill’s proud papa speech.

Apocrypha

1953-- Bill Mulder leads the interrogation of a badly radiated Navy sailor. He begins by wheedling the dying man-- “That’s why we’ve come all the way from Washington, sailor. To hear your story. To make sure that justice is served”-- while maintaining a cool, monotoned inflection. 

As the sailor relates his crew’s suicide mission and the horrors of the black oill--

Bill is disturbed; and becomes less steady as he further questions: “You called this… THING the enemy. You’re saying it was an entity of some sort?”

During the interrogation, the other men in the room are constantly keeping tabs on Bill-- 

surveilling his reaction to each piece of news. Every facial twitch and abhorred expression is noted and cataloged. It’s easy to assume that Bill is either inexperienced with firsthand witness questioning or that he has a reputation for being a risk in on-the-job situations. 

As the sailor continues to tear apart the Navy’s cover story-- “Whatever it was, we were sent to guard it”-- Bill’s look of horror grows, and he darts out to turn off the tape. 

The crewman grabs his hand last minute, urging him to tell his story to the public.  Bill is torn-- he knows it will never get out. 

“The Navy will deny it. But you’ve got to make sure the Truth gets out. I can trust you to do that-- can’t I Mr. Mulder?” 

Internally agonized-- eyes reddening, nose flaring--

Bill turns to CSM for guidance and personal reinforcement.

Spender simply replies: “You can trust all of us.” 

A clear pattern emerges. While Bill was in deep with the conspiracy, he was terrified by its greater implications and shaken by the wrecked lives of everyone it touched. Fear kept him engaged; and cowardice had him constantly looking to Spender for reassurance to keep his head in the game. It’s easy to see why CSM looked down on most of his companions-- very few, including Bill, had “the stomach for it”, and would rather keep away from the gory details of the Project and its work. 

Dreamland II 

In a flashback, Mulder and Samantha are goofing off for the home video on Halloween  

until Mulder’s Spock ear falls off and is stomped on in a fit of temper.

The camera takes the time to zoom in on his crumpled ear, the person behind the camera not caring to correct the behavior (most likely understanding that the kids are jacked up on excitement for their trick-or-treating night.) 

Tena pops into frame next, gathering her kids together like a proud mother hen, 

instructing both of them to wave at the camera. 

But who is the one behind the camera? The only logical conclusion is Bill, since Mulder never mentions anyone else in his life that helped his mother raise the kids while his father was gone on business trips. So this appears to be a rare, happy moment with the family all together. It also gives credence to Mulder’s claim that they were a normal family before the abduction-- a little fairy sister, a mother in plaid and wild hair messing around with her kids, and a father who dotingly fawns over his kids while filming their escapades and cracking sunflower seeds comfortingly in the study at night. 

Tena’s caring and nurturing side is glowing around her children; and Bill’s sense of humor peeks through as he follows his mischievous children around with the camera, letting them run around in their childish ways. All in all, an important family moment. 

Two Fathers' Script Flashback

@x-files-scripts uploaded an important piece of the Mulders and CSM dynamic that, while it was cut from the episode Two Fathers, is highly relevant and must, by necessity, be included. (Link here.)

CSM shows up with Cassandra to Bill’s, interrupting a 4th of July event the Mulders had been throwing. While Bill is obviously uncomfortable, he stumbles to let Spender in. He is obviously steered around by his colleague, out of joint and running to rescue the barbeque burgers as a quick escape from the oncoming conversation. All of the guests notice Spender's arrival; and the awkward, tense atmosphere grows.

Tena stands between the house and the barbeque, essentially stopped in her tracks. Looking at Bill, with the Younger CSM in the background, she hisses through her teeth-- “What is he doing here?”

Bill anticipated her confrontation-- “He came uninvited. What was I supposed to do?” 

Tena is barely restrained with her response-- “I don’t want him in my house.” 

It’s stated there is obvious tension here, too (but no answer is given by the writers except a cheeky “Though we must guess why.”)

Tena is shown to be an active agent on her own turf: telling off her husband for inviting Spender in, disdainfully hissing out her dislike of the man, and severely implying that he fix the problem. It shows the cracks already straining their marriage-- cracks that are, conveniently, CSM shaped and sized. 

When Spender corners Bill over the Syndicate’s plans potentially being exposed and needing to think up an alternative, Bill’s dread builds and his resistance evaporates. He waits helplessly for his friend to drop Cassandra off somewhere so their conversation can continue. 

What’s interesting is that this implies so much about Spender and the Mulders' off-screen relationship: that at one point he was a welcomed guest, but that now he is vehemently not wanted; and that Bill is in a rock and a hard place between Tena's hatred of his colleague and his colleague's inability to be shaken off.

Travelers

Mulder has freshly found the X-Files; and is intrigued by finding his father at the trail of convicted Communist Edward Skur in connection with Arthur Dales. 

He tracks down Dales; but has better luck next time with a coffee in hand. 

Old man Dales is not easily won over, however: “Go ask your father.”

“My father and I don’t really speak.”  

So it would seem that the estrangement was, indeed, a well-established fact between father and son. 

Dales points out that Mulder must have had his suspicions already; and Mulder confirms, by indirectly asking how his father was involved. Poor kid is more open with a random stranger he’s met twice and bought a coffee for than his own father of twenty odd years. 

Dales relates that he’d crossed Bill Mulder’s path while tracking Skur, at first mistaking him for the falsely-labeled Communist.

Bill Mulder already has his wedding ring in the 50s,

which makes no sense because he married Tena in 1961. So either it’s a continuity error (which is rampant throughout The X-Files); Bill was previously married (unlikely in that era without massive social repercussions); Dales got the dates wrong (he can be a bit of an alcoholic as stated in Agua Mala); or he plays the same ring game his son does in this episode: wearing one without any government documents tying him to a previous marriage just because he wants to. Those Mulder guys sure are something. 

“Skur?” asks Dales. 

“No.” Bill removes his hat and moves in, an emotionally honest and trembling note in his voice. “But I came here to warn you about him.” 

Dales presses back, accusing his informant of murder. Bill rebuts that, stating he saved Arthur’s life from a man who the government turned into an uncontrollable creature. He warns Dales to be careful, otherwise he’ll get killed on his path for answers. 

He reveals that Skur isn’t a Communist-- that he and the other victims are patriots to the country and were used as scapegoats to coverup the horrendous experiments inflicted on them. 

Bill is world-weary, worn down, emotionally broken so early in his career. 

When Dales presses for further information on why the men are trying to escape-- “What did they do to them?”-- Bill looks away first, unable to keep eye contact and fidgeting nervously. 

Dales has to relieve the pressure by leaning back to get Bill to keep talking: “Look, you asked me here.”

Bill tells something revealing: “And I risked my career and… my family by coming here.” 

That settles the ring question-- it is just a timeline inconsistency. 

“But the crimes that these people have inflicted on innocent people… I cannot have that on my conscience anymore.”

The ‘anymore’ is such a crucial key. Bill is already deep in the conspiracy; and has seen so many cover ups and failures by the government to protect its innocents. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Unfortunately, no real justice is done even when he tries to help; and he never steps out of line again… until Anasazi, when he is shot before he can tell his son. 

(On a sidenote: Bill has always looked villainous even when he’s trying to do the right thing, so at least he’s consistent.) 

His lack of answer to Dales's next question-- high how up does this go-- silently confirms that it goes all the way up to the Director and the Senate. 

The next time Dales sees Bill Mulder is when he’s intercepted at the Skurs’ house by government goons, Bill among them. 

After a meeting forcefully recruiting Dales into catching Skur, Arthur asks Bill publicly if that’s why he met up with him privately. Bill’s demeanor is completely different as he casually replies “I follow my orders”, all while eyeing the other passenger in the vehicle. 

The surveillance of Bill Mulder continues,

marking him as, once again, a possible liability to the cause.

Mulder waits obediently in the car, trying not to betray his nerves while he and his companion listen to what they believe to be Arthur Dales’s death. 

When his companion gives him the go-ahead, they both rush in, surprised to find that Dales had cleverly extracted himself from certain death. 

Fox Mulder is shocked that his father allowed these men to “dictate his conscience”; but before that can break canon (and, consequently, his reunion with his father in Colony), Arthur Dales tells him “Oh, don’t fool yourself. None of us are free to choose.” He warns a cocky Mulder that he’ll be buried, too, if he continues to dig through the files. 

Dales has only rumors to surmise how Skur was allowed to live in obscurity for 38 years; but he never knew how accurate his guess truly was-- that some guy "with a conscience let him go." 

Mulder asks, bewildered: “Why would anyone do that? Why let a killer go free?”

Dales sighs, and states: “In the hope that, by letting him live, the truth of the crimes that were committed against him and the others might someday… be exposed.” 

Part 3 will be up soon, which covers the events from the Season 2 finale onward. In the mean time--

Enjoy!

Life Update

Hemlo~     Since Twitter seems to be going down the drain rather quickly, I am planning on just using this blog to follow and keep up with some of my favorite artists from there that are using tumblr as a back up. Not currently looking for active rp partners. Sort of taking a break from writing for a little. But still wanna be able to follow and show love to the talented artists I adore. Hope whoever see’s this has a wonderful day and remember to treat yourself, you deserve it.      Sincerly  Tena  (a.k.a Katerpotater) 

Forty-five

People talk a lot about their fear of turning 40. This wasn’t really a big deal for me. I remember thinking at the time, Well I’m not your typical 40-year-old! I’m at uni studying to be a teacher! I wear runners and I dance around the kitchen wearing enormous headphones while listening to Lizzo!  And who knows what might happen? I might even write a book or become an artist because aren’t there people who took up things very successfully later in life? And you kind of go on thinking that the world is still yours for a few years… until 45 hits. And when this happens you realise that you’re just as close to 50 as you are to 40, which only feels like a second ago. And 50 doesn’t sound fun – it makes you think of ‘lifestyle communities’ and Tena Lady pads. And slowly you cotton on to the fact that your chances of becoming something that you aren’t already are about as slim as your arse moving up two inches. When you don’t get some of your younger friends’ references, they look at you with their beautiful doe eyes and remind you that ‘you’re too old’ with a bucketful of triumph and a droplet of pity. You go to events where you realise that you’re one of the oldest people in the room and suddenly feel a sense of hot-cheeked shame over how you could have allowed yourself to get this old while everyone around you has been clever enough to remain so young. 

And then, as if all of that wasn’t enough, a pandemic happens, and you want to scream for the Covid manager to ask them exactly how much longer this is going to take. Because I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS DON’T YOU SEE? You are forty-fucking-five years old and life all of a sudden seems like an emergency. And all those things you said you were going to do – live in Paris again so you can drink coffee until your teeth turn brown, smoke just one of those really thin cigarettes per day on the terrace of a café overlooking the Seine looking wistful while waiting for your equally wistful and cool lady friend to show up so you can talk about linguistics and your admiration for each other, go to dinner parties in dingy old apartments on the 6thfloor of apartment buildings with no lift that start at 10pm and only finish when someone throws a wine bottle at a wall in a drunken rage – well, you know that they’re not likely to happen again. But a little part of you still hopes that they might.

Happy Blorbo Blursday!

What's the most cringiest phase your oc of your choise went trough?

omg hiii :)

I had to pull names out of a jar because I could choose one lmao. I got Tena!

Arguably she is currently living through the most cringe phase of her life as she is in the process of being recruited to a cult. But she doesn't know it yet, so I'll go with the time before the story starts when she is edgy and depressed and doesn't care about anything.

Thanks for the ask! Happy Blorbo Blursday!

feel free to ignore if this question is too morbid dcjhfg but, what do you think it was like for scully to perform an autopsy on mulder's mother? i keep thinking about how wild that is and how we didn't get any reference to it afterward. she dissected his mom!! that's a new form of intimacy!!!

babes. babes. i think about this all the time.

(cw for mentions of suicide below the cut)

she dissected his mom. the thing about sein und zeit is that it takes everyone's usual roles (and especially methods of deflection) and breaks them down to the literal ground, makes it so much more corporeal (bordering on carnal), and punishing than anyone can bear.

scully is a pathologist, she's "death's best girl," she finds comfort in connection to the dead. in that moment at tena's house (another of mulder's homes turned into the scene of a crime), there's so much said in her "oh, no, mulder. please don't ask me to do this."

(when has he ever not asked of her, when has she ever not followed)

"i mean, it's one thing on a stranger, but you're my friend, and she's your mother."

this is scully's job. this is her role. this is what she does, in their lives. he comes up with the theory, she does the autopsy and finds the evidence to counter or support it. this is the one/two step of their years together. but just as his persistent ideology is failing, as is her refuge in the clinical.

the language is specific and purposeful, "you're my friend." that term means something to them, it means something in this story. it's not been long since they stood in his hallway, "you were my friend, and you told me the truth." she has memorized everything that he has ever said.

when he responds, "i know, but if you don't do it, i might never know the truth," it's all over. when has he ever not asked of her, when has she ever not followed.

this is not a stranger. this is a body that scully knows. this is a person that she last saw on surveillance tape, signing her son over to the devil, cigarette smoke framing her face. this is a person whose home she stood in, when scully was the only person anyone looked in the eye, the only person who could hear the violence in the next room. this is a hospital bed she held her crying partner next to, years ago.

this is the person who took the photos that have ground their journey, the ones in his home, maybe the one on the desk she writes her reports at. she will later find copies of those photos burnt in the photographer's trash.

the first time that scully met tena, it was at a funeral. it was to share hope. "i told your mother that you were gonna be okay. i just knew."

but now, it's been a long time, and that kind of faith is harder to come by.

"She hasn’t spoken to him since Monday night, when he’d told her he was going to take a couple of days. She’d seen him yesterday, though. Driving carefully parallel to the path where he usually runs, taking the long way home to catch a glimpse of him, fogged and out of breath, between the trees. Sometimes, she could admit to scaring herself."

-throat, eye and knucklebone by audries

this is not a stranger, this is a body that scully knows, and when she does what is asked of her, there are no surprises in the truth. tena took her own life and she did not leave a note, she took her "unsaid" words and answers to her grave.

(in pusher, it was when the gun was pointed at his own head that mulder didn't hesitate to pull the trigger. in demons, yet another home turned into a crime scene, twice over, as scully carefully walked up to see his gun at his jaw. in gethsemane....if the phone hadn't rung in gethsemane, would he have left a note?)

what sein und zeit makes painfully obvious, is just how fragile it all is. what a house of cards this quest is, this family is, scully's life is. in the end, it was one little girl's disappearance that built it, and another's that tore it down.

(this is what CSM warns scully against the next day, in closure. "out of kindness, agent scully. allow him his ignorance. it's what gives him hope." allow him his hope, agent scully. it'll break everything you have.)

scully's first appearance in sein und zeit is in the motel room in sacramento, when her annoyance at having to track her partner across the country to collect his homework turns into visible fear the first time mulder says "she's not dead," as the news report on amber lynn lapierre plays.

when mulder's phone rings, and his mom is watching the same news feed, there's more of a connection between him and his mother than there has been in years.

"I'm watching the news. That little girl in California...you're out there, aren't you?" "Yes, I am. Are you okay, mom?"

for nearly 30 years, the last remaining members of this family have sustained on repression and fantasy, respectively. when the tape plays on another family's loss, neither method of coping can withstand confrontation with the physical.

"A closed-mouth smile as he flicks through files on their cornered computer table. 'I am my father’s son.' Except that he isn’t. He is his mother’s son. She knows that with a hyper-specific intimacy, the way she could tell you the periodic table, the chambers of a heart, the location of the aneurysm that killed the fourth cadaver she’d cut open at Stanford. That is: she know through science and biology. Through blood and white gloves."

-throat, eyes and knucklebone by audries

when amber lynn lapierre goes missing, both mulder and tena lose the refuge they've built for themselves. it speaks to the core of this story, and this "quest": every single person on earth is valued as samantha should have been. every single loss on earth is connected, is a reminder and an opportunity.

ultimately, truth is unescapable, and ignorant hope (or avoidance) only lasts so long. mulder and his mother are suffering the same conflict, and she doesn't survive it.

scully is not exempt.

Davy Chou  RETURN TO SEOUL 2022

                                        SEEKERS  by James Clark 2023

    The film, Return to Seoul (2022), could be said to be both deep and cheap. The remarkable moments are nothing less but bewitching. A study of film technology and greatness. However, our filmic work does not even carry one percent of the load. That tells us where we're going. But even so, we're in for a treat. Chou has such a wit as to fire, that melancholy becomes a strange power.

     Here we have a stunning display of two audiences in the same position. One being paying the rent; the other showing its real excitement. Of course, there are moments of interaction.    I've chosen to begin at the end. There's no reason to think that a breakaway could appear in this venue. Two hours of mainly despairing does not seem to work. (But there is one figure who has a slight hope.) Our protagonist, Freddie, though, is a matter of smallness. Smallness and vile. We want hopelessness, at this abomination. You get in spades, right here. Freddie had been born in Seoul, during the Korean War. She was adopted, as a baby, to a family in France. A very affluent family, in Paris. And yet, now, she has been living in Seoul for many years. As we see her now, Freddie has chosen to visit her birthday by way of a difficult mountain height and muse. She settles before a piano. (Before that, she calls her mother in France. "Mom, sorry. I didn't write... I think I'm happy..." Freddy and her ugly glare. Alive but dead. Shy cries...) She sits down... quietly, touches the keys... two-by-two. Very slow (More like an attack  than a musical joy. Seen by one side.) Trying to make a statement, far too slow, losing the heart of motion. (However, there is a possibility that Freddie had grown up. That those quiet moves had gravity.)      The rest of the film presents lots of "action." Along with such pointlessness, we're geven Freddie the hope that something never seen on planet Earth could make magic. (Thereby, there is a presentation of the skys, the elements: color and motion. Many kinds of blue... In a flash! We all know about it, but it's easy to ignore.)       Freddie has no problem getting to know a bar. She and her "friends" drink about twenty large bottles. Easy going... A ride, going nowhere  And yet, how do you know? (This is a "how do you know?") Could you make it out? At the Customs, she asks, "What are you listening to?"Uh, it's Korean. Then Freddie's face covers the screen. From the Custum's to a bar. (Business and pleasure.) Freddie's smile. Don't be carried away.  The Credits seem to be  fun, jumpy! (A holiday.) The question was "How long do you want to stay...?" In the world of big money and passionate moves, the world is your oyster.     Quick cut to Freddie, again, at that restaurant...  A guy... "Cheers, cheers...!" Young and vicious. Never to see her family in person again. Freddie's smile. Don't be carried away... How long do you want to stay...? That seems to be not quite right. Young people, only. There are drinks. "Down the hatch!" A big approach. Then Freddie, a bit morose... And then a range of hopes. All in a flash! ... "So, Freddie, do you really know nothing about Korea?" She pretends, "I don't have any plans."    She is, in fact, all about superiority, as far as she can manage. (Which is not very impressive.) And yet one must be alert that surprises of the heart can appear. A potpourri of the young. How about mystery? (Our crushed embarrassment.)  One of the guys says, ."You speak French!." Freddie makes a kind of hand jive. A twist. (It's insulting otherwise. It would mean your friends aren't treating you right. Insulting!/For whom?/For both! )    In the flow, thereby, we have a great range to manage. Freddie's smarts. Freddie's poison. Freddie's wackiness. Ignoring her family in France. And yet, a woman in the bar, being, a gem, for a mess like our protagonist. (Again there, in a dark area,  a black monster of sorts, constructed by a woman with a mass of black hair. A challenge to embrace.) The gem,Tena, will become important in managing  Freddie's language. (A language she does not not even know what she wants.) Freddie: Does she really want to open this matter to her father? Is it a game? A distraction? But Freddie has been involved, at some level. (Even if it's vicious.)     In a longish bus ride, Freddie shows us her dangerousness. (Along the way, though, she opens the subject of music. "Do you know what sight-reading is?... It's when you play a musical score for the first time. You have to be able  to analyse the music in one glance; even the danger of jumping in..." I was, but that's not the point...   " But you can learn to read them when they appear... Why do they appear... like fear."  And we thought she was simply a troubling jerk.    Here then, a moment of wit. (Nasty wit!) Engaging music. How does this work? It very much does not. The play becomes out of this world... (Much color, again... in heart... Freddie... many fingers... A half of a face, and seeing like a green/blue vision. (What vision?) Freddie almost falling down... One bottle of Suju, and a plate of chicken legs. Your friend, Tena, is very original... Freddie a mystery? In what way? [Cut to those many colors...] Is it forced? Another matter for those to see? [Freddie, a long take...Freddie gets quickly out of bed. Does it mean anything? Do you wish to send a telegraph to your biological parents? She is like a monster--a monster of thrills! ...])    The voyage of Freddie and Tena. "Finding roots!" Especially the father of Freddie. He, being intent on having Freddie in Seoul, forever...  A longish ride. Distance by the billions... But before long, Freddie has become "out of control"... Somewhat]... "Driver! Let's go back!.. Let's go back!" (Tena has nothing to say... Embarrassed.) The driver says, "What's going on?"/ (Which only makes Freddie louder!) "Are you okay?" the driver asks. /"Yeah, I'm fine."/ "An old lady says, "You really scared me... Sure you're okay?..."/ "I'm fine..."    At the bus station, the women in the family...Normal?... A morose Freddie... Then one of the ladies says, "You are family! Understand?... Maybe it's understandable."/Freddie's  father appears. We hope you will not judge badly. The situation back then was horrible. Korea wasn't like it is today. We had no other choice. /Tena, speaking to the Father. "She says, "They're right..."They were acting in your interest. I would be happy if you were to stay one night. Via Tena, Freddie:  "It's  not possible." /But the "No," Quickly became a possibility. The Lady of the house: "Do you live in Paris?"/ "Yes: I grew up in  the countryside... But not a farmer. /"Are you married?"/ "No, I'm alone." (The "alone," there, becomes a war. Does she have what it takes!)     The father knows something special about his realm, and feels that it would be a treat to the girls. (If only!) The highway. Cars zoom by! Tina on the job. To the sea and the mountains. Little islands, closeby. Our protagonist is not alert to this. Where is the music? Beautiful, large rocks. The old man who loves this. "That land is called Mouse Poop Island. We call it, because it's so small... (A crude snide.) When I was a kid, my friends and I would spend afternoons fishing. We'd get balled out everytime." (A way of appreciation, the tones.) To appreciate the tones.To value the structures. He may seem to be a bore, to his "friends;" but his understanding has become phenomenal. He may, however, fail to reach his objective. But to that matter,one requires another structure which has to be in others hands. He would, however, in his free time, struggle to present a musical gift.