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brf-rumortrackinganon · 4 months

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Please share your reasoning when you get a chance on why you don't believe Theresa Longo Fans. Granted, they have been wrong before.

So the TL;DR of it is:

They're anonymous journalists and that's suspicious.

They haven't updated their brag sheet in 6 years, which means they haven't had a good source in 6 years.

They plagiarize almost everything.

They use vague language and broad generalities in their scoops that lets them take credit no matter what happens.

Keep reading for the longer explanations.

1. I'm always immediately suspicious of anyone in journalism that doesn't use their name. When a journalist is anonymous, especially when they have no need to be like in TLF's case, it's not easy to hold them accountable to lies and mistakes. The two guys behind TLF like to brag about their journalism credentials, and that's huge because there's no way to follow up to make sure they are who they say they are. They rely on "just trust me" authority, and when has that ever worked out? Especially with blind gossip sites (in addition to TLF, this includes CDAN, Blind Gossip, DeuxMoi, and Exposing SMG), you can't verify the accuracy of what they post - especially when you consider that CDAN, Enty, and DeuxMoi all admitted they make stuff up.

(And also ExposingSMG rarely has new information when it comes to the BRF. (They might have sources for other celebs, but I don't pay attention close enough.) Specifically, they just repeat what was being discussed on the blogs and reddit, calling them "my source" so they don't have to cite. BTW, ExposingSMG has since rebranded as Scandalous.Media. They posted about the Sussexes recently and some of their quoted sources or "revelations" are things that have been around for awhile. This one in particular I think is a combination of info from CDAN and SMM.)

I saw somewhere once that the TLF guys don't share their names so they can protect the privacy and confidentiality of their sources. But I call BS. If journalists needed anonymity to protect their sources, then why aren't more journalists reporting anonymously? These two guys are the only people I know that calls themselves journalists who do this, and to me that is suspicious. (Exceptions only for reporters in war zones.)

2. Look at the scoops they take credit for in their pinned tweet: Sussex baby #1, Khloe Kardashian's pregnancy, Kylie Jenner's baby, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's divorce, Megxit, Wendy Williams's show demise, and the Pulse/Orlando nightclub shooting. What these all have in common is that they are events from 2016 - 2019. Meaning they had really good sources, contacts, and access 6-8 years ago. And that list not having anything more recent suggests they don't have the kind of sources, contacts, and access anymore. If they did, and if they were still getting the same sort of accurate scoops that they were 7 years ago, this list would be updated to inclde those more recent events. Why haven't they?

Now, that's not to say they never had good sources. They did have good sources, and whoever it was, their information was solid enough that it upset Meghan enough to get Bouzy to take TLF down. That doesn't really mean anything because a broken clock is still correct twice a day.

3. The tweets themselves are problematic. In fact, most of them are plagiarized.

If there's a direct quote in the tweet, it's plagiarized from some other source/news media and TLF never cites the source. For example, this TLF tweet from January 8th:

It implies that they've interviewed Dominic himself. But they never spoke to Dominic. The quotes come, verbatim, from this January 6th article published by The Mirror.

And for tweets without a direct quote in it, they usually try to pass it off as their own scoop but nine times out of ten, it isn't. For example, this tweet:

It looks like a good scoop. At face value, it is: they know someone who saw Shia at church and connected one plus one.

But #1, when you search "Actor Shia LaBeouf appears to have converted to Catholicism after being seen at a New Year's Eve Mass presided over by Capuchin Franciscan friars," this article from the Associated Press on December 31st comes up:

Almost everything they publish is like this. Go ahead - choose any tweet, copy the text into a search engine, and see what happens.

And #2, look at their verbiage. Specifically, the phrase appears to have in the Shia tweet above. This is how they get away with passing off their stories as scoops, with vague verbage that could go either way. That way, when an article is later published about it, they can grab the "original" tweet and claim credit with "as we told our followers back in..." or "no surprise to our followers..." tweets.

*******************************

Now, specific to royal-watching: they completely and totally missed the ball on big stuff (like Platinum Jubilee and Coronation appearances), but they got it on the smaller stuff (Spare and Frogmore). But the kicker is that the smaller stuff is things that were either written about by royal reporters or was plausible gossip floating around the royal fandom.

The things they were wildly wrong on - for instance, the children being on the balcony at the Platinum Jubilee and the royals hosting a birthday party for Archie after the coronation - were things that came directly from Meghan's PR. So either they didn't realize it was Meghan's PR or they decided to hedge their bets and post it anyway on the off-chance it happened, which I think is in poor taste but it makes for very fun entertainment.

#ask #tlf #blind gossip

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catchyhuh · 3 months

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my fave lupin iii blog .... give me your wisdom

cologne / perfume scents for the gang

i had to do an embarrassing amount of research on this one. mostly because perfume lore goes a lot deeper than i ever could have imagined and i wanted to give you something GOOD so ALL THAT SAID if any of you disagree with this you may be right. i did five quizzes, read up on multiple blogs from the 2000s, learned the "scent families" and at the end of the day just gave up and typed "douchiest colognes" into google

lupin: generally speaking, regardless of WHAT he's getting, any "subtle" notes are going to now have the force of a freight train the way he's practically bathing in this stuff. which is pretty rough when already coupled with really strong, amber-y scent type shit. lupin's cologne does not smell light and pleasant, it smells like you walked into a dark red cloud, which is ironic considering the conclusion i came to was dolce and gabbana light blue. people fucking hate this smell, despite parts of it sounding good in theory, and since lupin's shitty cologne has been addressed canonically numerous times, i feel this is it. even a tiny bit of this perfume makes so many people seem to wither like flowers in the sun so i can only imagine what happens when a guy who's been dunktanking himself in this walks in the room

jigen: again, its kind of overpowering. not because he overdoes it like lupin, but again, these are just not very subtle people, and even if jigen does SEEM reserved, he likes making a scene just as much as the others in the right environment. like, a mix of amber and woodsy types. i ended up on dior fahrenheit on this one and it made me realize both lupin and jigen using like, excessively common brands makes sense. for lupin its brand recognition, for jigen it's convenience. he probably smelled this in the fucking 90s and just committed to it since

fujiko: this was simultaneously the hardest and easiest, because i kept looking trying so damn hard to figure this out, to pinpoint what would SCREAM fujiko while still being unique enough to appeal to her lavish tastes, but NORMIE enough that i would be able to read up the notes on perfume reddit (they seem to know what they're talking about there) only to realize. wait. this is the same bitch who won't even keep her hair dyed the same color all the time. fujiko has no specific fashion sense beyond "stylish and with the current times" and i feel that's what applies to her perfume too. well and. hot. i guess. stylish, current, and hot. that's like 50 bottles right off the bat. regardless, it'll always be bold. thats right baby we're at amber AGAIN, but because she doesn't wanna scare off potential prey there's always a faint undertone of sweet flowers. she's smart like that even her perfume is calculated.

goemon: my man does not wear cologne on any occasion. he thinks its silly because you can smell good for free if you just fucking. bathe. why pay 80 dollars to smell bad? HOWEVER (as just established) goemon is bathing and 90% of shampoos/bodywashes have a scent. and goemon's is very... crisp. kinda citrus-y at times? this is the most mundane answer (and the most accessible they got this shit at walmart) but you know that mint teatree shampoo? he's got the faintest hint of that specific scent lingering on him

zenigata: this is going to sound so funny and mean but like. imagine if a smell was trying to look cool but just kind of making an ass of itself. i feel like that's what he'd have, regardless of if the cologne did actually smell good on anyone else, it'd feel just a bit overzealous on him. it was way difficult to find something that made sense to me but wasnt like, again, 80 fucking dollars, because you know for a fact he's spending 15 tops. and that's if he even remembers to wear it. at best, for some reason, i feel like he'd be a sandalwood guy but i can't really place why? honestly i was kinda ready to give up until i saw GREY FUCKING FLANNEL BABY!!! THIS SHIT IS DIRT CHEAP HAS BEEN AROUND SINCE THE 70S AND APPARENTLY EVERYBODY'S DAD KNEW SOMEBODY WHO WORE THIS! AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN IT? SANDALWOOD!!!!!!

now i can finally close all these fucking perfumania tabs

#am i really your favorite :) aw. youre my favorite too anon #lupin iii #lupin the third #lupin #jigen #fujiko #goemon #zenigata #asks

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otakusheep15 · 1 year

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The Obey Me fandom is back at it again lol

This is probably the longest post I've ever made, and I honestly don't know why it got so long to begin with. As a brief summary, someone on Reddit insulted Levi, talking about how he's a creep and no one would like him if he existed irl, and they said we need to raise out standards. However, they didn't ever mention how none of the brothers would be good people irl. Also, this is a fictional game with fictional characters who aren't real to begin with, so all of their argument is kind of invalid. And this is my response. The Reddit post is under the cut in paragraph two.

For those of you who want to know, the full post (excluding these two) is a total of about 15 paragraphs. Some are longer than others, but most of them are pretty decent lengths. I know not many people will read the whole thing through, and I get that. If you go to the Reddit post, most people in the comments do a better job of making these arguments in fewer words, so I'd recommend that if you'd prefer.

Update: they deleted the post, but you can still see the comments, so you can have a basic idea of what was said.

So, basically, I saw a Reddit post about Leviathan. Now, for those of you who don't know, Levi is my favorite Obey Me character, so I was naturally interested in this thread. The original post was about how no one would like Leviathan if he wasn't a hot anime boy. Like, if he weren't conventionally attractive, most people would see him as a pervert, a creep, and a weirdo. Then, the post ended with saying that we should raise our standards if we like Leviathan.

Full link here if you wanna take a look for yourself. Most of the comments on that post kind of said what I'm about to say now, so if you don't wanna read all of this post, I highly recommend reading some of the comments, as they do a good job of explaining most of my points.

Anyways, this whole post just completely misses the point of not only Levi's character, but the entire Obey Me game as a whole. The OP specifically goes and attacks Levi for his personality, but, in reality, if any of the brothers were real people or not conventionally attractive, they would be some of the worst, most hated people I can think of. All of them have their own red flags and bad personality traits, but that's part of the fun. The game is a form of escapism that shows us idealized versions of these people that would usually give most people major icks. I'm gonna go over just a few of my own personal icks with each character just to give y'all some examples, but just know that I'm not attacking anyone's fave, I'm just trying to make a point.

Lucifer has a very dominating personality. He acts like he's the most important one in the room, and he does his best to control you, the player. In a few interactions with him, you're not given the option to say no to his advances, and it makes me (and some others) uncomfortable. Plus, he has this whole thing about how he fully believes we can't love anyone more than we love him, which is a weird mentality. If Lucifer were real, he would be seen as one of those creepy guys who try and manipulate you into a relationship and then fully expects you to listen to whatever he says at all times. That's not attractive, that's creepy and a major red flag, at least from my perspective.

Mammon is way too overprotective of the player. Whenever we try and interact with one of his brothers and/or another character, he constantly cockblocks us and forces out of a romantic interaction. In real life, this behavior would be a red flag on so many levels, and it would just be seen as downright possessiveness. That level of possessiveness is not attractive. Not to mention, Mammon has a major money problem. He's constantly in debt and gambling all of his money away. He has a straight up addiction to gambling and spending money, and that is not healthy. Plus, he always seems to have beef with someone over money, and it's usually us or one of his brothers who has to bail him out of it. That's not attractive, and no one in real life would want to date someone with this much trouble with money.

Since Levi was the main focus of the Reddit thread, I'm going to skip him for now and come back later because I have some points I'd like to make.

Satan has severe anger issues, and I think we all know how well that translates into a relationship in real life. He very easily has the chance to become an abuser of some kind, especially a violent one. Not to mention, Satan has horrendous amounts of daddy issues, and that's all he can talk about half the time. These two things are a terrible combination, and it would not work out well in real life. If Satan ever got angry at a partner, who knows what he could do to them. He also has a bad habit of bringing in stray cats without any warning. These cats could have diseases, they could be violent, or they could be someone else's cat entirely. But he'll refuse to part with the cat, and it'll be pretty hard to get him to let it go. This last part is more speculation than anything, but he also seems like the manipulative type. Like, he's very intelligent, and he seems like he has the ability to easily manipulate someone if he wanted.

Asmodeus is very flirtatious, and he flirts with a lot of people. Look, I love Asmo so very much, and I will defend him with my life, but I'm making this point because it's necessary to my argument. Asmo would be a cheater in real life. He'd be a huge cheat, or, at the very least, he's want some kind of open relationship. Now, I'm not bashing on open relationships. However, I don't think Asmo would effectively communicate properly enough to have a healthy open relationship. He'd go out without telling you, hook up with people without telling you, and I could even see him try setting you up with other people without your permission. Not to mention, he's famous, and he has a lot of fans. Sometimes, he puts those fans first instead of you, and that can make anyone jealous. Not to mention, he has a habit of being very vain and attention seeking. he also prioritizes himself above all else, including you. He always compliments you, but then ends it with something along the lines of "but you're still not as cute as me," and ruining the whole compliment. This type of guy in real life would been as a playboy and a self-centered asshole, and no one wants someone like that.

Beelzebub eats way to much, and he's constantly running down his family's food supply. He also has a habit of spending way too much money, but it's usually food-centered. Again, this is just mere speculation, but Beel also seems like the type to be rude to waiters if they mess up his order or don't have a certain food he wants. It's already canon that he has pretty bad anger issues, and sometimes they can even rival Satan's, so it isn't much of a stretch to believe he would get angry at wait staff for something like this. Honestly, I can't think of many other icks I have with him, and he seems like one of the least problematic brothers to me, but feel free to talk about your own Beel icks if you have any.

Lastly, Belphegor literally killed us. Like, yeah, most of the brothers have threatened to kill us or have come close at some point, but Belphie actually succeeds. And, in real life, if you die, you don't come back, so Belphie is already the worst one in real life. But, let's move past that. He is so lazy to the point where he refuses to get out of bed half the time. He's constantly falling asleep in the most random of places, and it is downright impossible to wake him up sometimes. Plus, he also tries to drag us down with him, thereby keeping us from being productive and missing important events. Belphie is also the youngest child, so he's been spoiled his whole life and just automatically assumes everything he wants should be given to him without him working for it. For the record, I'm not saying every youngest child is like this, but Belphie certainly is. He can also be quite the manipulative guy, using his youngest privilege to pretend like he's all innocent and whatnot.

So, yeah, overall, all of the brothers easily have their own icks that would make them terrible in real life. However, I do want to circle back to Leviathan. I will admit, just like his brothers, Levi does have his own icks I would dislike in real life, but the one's OP brings up aren't even icks. They're traits that most introverted people have, not to mention Levi is heavily autistic coded and has many traits that line up with how people with autism act.

Their first point is that the way Levi talks about idol groups is creepy or weird. They then cite a quote from him complaining about how an idol group he likes that's known for being cute suddenly dropped a new music video that looks much sexier. Then OP says that Levi has not right to get mad over what an idol group chooses to do. However, Levi has every right to get mad. In fact, most people get mad whenever a group they like decides to change directions in some way. I mean, we all saw what happened when One Direction broke up. And, if you actually look at how Levi reacts, it's really not that extreme of a reaction. With how OP treats his words, you'd think he did something horrible like go online and spread hateful and misogynistic words about the group like so many creepy otaku men tend to do. But, Levi doesn't do that. He's simply just expressing his dislike of this new route to a friend. That's a very healthy way to express negative feelings, and he's doing it well. He even says that he's still gonna support the group and just see where it goes from there. He does nothing creepy or weird at all in this interaction.

And right after that, they bring up the fact that this is a fictional game. Their exact words are "I know this is all fictional and whatever..." and the ngo on to say something else. With that one phrase, they completely contradict their own argument. The whole point is that this is a fictional game with fictional characters. Levi isn't real, and none of the others are real, so there's really no point in getting hung up in their personalities like this. The only reason I did was to show that none of them are perfect and we shouldn't target just one without taking the others into account as well.

Then they say that no one would be gushing over him if he were real and that he's cringy, creepy, and weird. However, most of his traits are just those of an introverted, autistic person with bad social skills. He likes anime and video games, and he likes talking about those interests and interacting with his fandoms. Yes, he lacks a filter, but that's not creepy, that's just bad social skills. Hell, I tend to lack a filter because I have trouble reading the room sometimes. I am both introverted and mentally ill, but no one would call my behavior creepy or cringy. I just have trouble socializing, just like Levi. If he were real, he would just be an awkward guy who needs help figuring out social cues. He's not as creepy or perverted as people make him out to be, especially compared to characters like Lucifer, Asmo, and even Mammon at some points.

Finally, they end their argument with saying that if he weren't pretty or an LI, he would be the most hated character in the game. Except, he already kind of is, because this is how most people tend to think already. Many people fail to understand that lots of Levi's traits are just him being social awkward and autistic. If fact, he rarely even pervs on the player because he's too shy, meaning we have to initiate most of the more heated scenes because he won't do it himself. He's not a perv, he just lacks a filter sometimes.

And, honestly, this whole paragraph they stuck at the end: "Also: I’m well aware that ppl already think he’s creepy, but this is addressing those who excuse it all because he’s pretty, or loves you. Like please raise your standards. Also your free to have your own taste in men, this is not to make fun of people who like Levi. This is about levi himself, and if he looked totally different, things would not be how they are now." was just straight garbage. If we raise our standards for one, shouldn't we raise them for all? Meaning we wouldn't like any of them because they're all terrible.

Sorry this was so long, and thank you to anyone who stuck around and read it all (probably no one). I just get really mad whenever someone comes after Levi like this.

#obey me #shall we date?: obey me!#obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #long post #rant post #long rant #like really long #reddit

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suffarustuffaru · 7 months

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hey so not too long ago, i saw a post from rz twitter that said that during the first loop where subaru meets otto, when subaru met the witch cultists and were chanting something to subaru before they left, that these cultists left because some outsider (who's therefore an enemy to their witch and its prophecy) was nearby. And the tweet said how that "nearby outsider" was actually otto who stayed behind because he was worried that subaru, (whom he met only as a customer in that loop and otto had already fulfilled his job) would succumb to danger. And despite frufoo's warnings, it's heavily implied that otto had in fact died in that loop waiting for subaru to come back. And the replies were saying that it's common knowledge?

First of all, is that true? I can see how one would come to the conclusion that the cultists left because otto, an outsider, was nearby. But i haven't seen proof of the implication that otto died from that loop. Secondly, with this perhaps being true, does that confirm that any loop in which otto was nearby and subaru is in danger, that otto risked his life for him? Some ppl say "but the whale incident!" But like you said way earlier, otto came back to him after pushing him off, and it's implied that he died trying to save subaru. There's no loop i can recall otto leaving him to the dust, even when he doesn't know who subaru is. And thirdly, Otto get some self-preservation skills, you barely knew the guy and already risk your life for him. What the fuck.

HAH anon your ask intrigued me so much i immediately went to the anime to try and confirm this. and bc the anime is the closest bit of info i got wjdndn i dont have arc 3 ln or access to arc 3 wn (i do not understand japanese either, sadly) but!! while the anime doesnt explicitly confirm otto died in that first loop his character debuted in, i think its definitely a possibility that he died to the witch cult there. (if anyone knows the lore on this for sure though feel free to add?? yeah)

also regarding about whether this is common knowledge or not—id argue its kind of not, at least in certain circles, bc im gonna be completely real i had to double check the anime to see how well i remembered it bc its 1. been a while since i’ve watched season 1 in full and 2. when i was looking at it on my first watch i was focused more so on what the hell was happening to subaru, rem, emilia camp rather than otto, who at the time seems like just some random guy who wont appear ever again. but also maybe im a little too used to people misinterpreting rezero over on reddit ajfbdnd bc some people STILL completely forget that otto went back after pushing subaru off the wagon. and some people still forget ottos died for subaru even though its super obvious in arc 4?? so i dont think ottos involvement with subaru across loops is really common knowledge? or at the very least its not common for Certain portions of the rezero fandom bc i see ottos whole fixation on subaru gets glossed over at times. but i do genuinely think moments like the first loop with otto are probably easy to sort of miss if youre not paying attention. but also again i might be a little bit brainwashed by rezero redditors misreading things bc the amount of people that forget otto went back for subaru in the white whale loop made me doubt my own memory of that scene to the point where i rewatched it in the anime just to be sure wkdndnd. i dont really see any english rezero people talk about this loop in particular too unless theyre referring to you know, rem arlam and emilia camp dying. but anyway moving on for now…

alright!! lets go over this scene i suppose. the anime doesnt go into like. Specifics, like how the tweets you mention do anon, but it does have some interesting stuff.

in the anime, the first loop with otto happens in episode 14 to about the beginning of 15, but the focus is of course more so on subaru, rem, arlam, etc, bc rem left for the mansion and subarus trying to get there quickly so he pays otto to do that. otto takes the time to warn him before they even set off, not only for his own sake but also for subarus:

but you know, bc ottos desperate for money bc hes in debt, he takes up the job. but once otto and subaru actually get to the road leading up to arlam and the mansion, otto stops bc frufoo’s frightened and shes warning them of danger—

but subaru being subaru jumps off anyway and leaves. he says this quickly before he goes:

otto replies by trying to call out to him desperately as he runs away:

your point about ottos self preservation is super interesting anon because otto DOES have self preservation skills. he almost kind of prides himself on it, sometimes—as a merchant, especially from a merchant family, hes been raised to treasure it. to go for things that work in his favor. especially with his bad luck fucking him over too. and he can be slightly morally ambiguous at times, so he is Very aware of self preservation and staying out of trouble. but at the same time, leaving behind innocents does kind of weigh on him bc. well hes still human. that and the further into rezero you get, the more clear it is that ottos self preservation skills just get thrown out the window the moment he sees subaru. like otto takes a significant amount of time on screen to complain about danger or trouble hes found himself in, or go on and on about how the moment he sees danger, hes just gonna turn around and run—but its just COMPLETE AND TOTAL BULLSHIT SOMETIMES. he has plenty of chances Every Time to turn around and run and the moment subaru enters the picture, he doesnt take it. the only exception to this was him leaving subaru in greed if, but thats because he saw that subaru didnt give a shit about him and even then. he made that choice FOR subaru’s sake too, bc he recognizes that greed if subaru is just gonna micromanage everything and deal with it on his own. otto knows he’d just be another burden to subaru, so he leaves to lessen the load.

main route otto though? yeah youre absolutely right his self preservation is way beyond dead at this point. his self preservation is absolutely gone when it comes to subaru. this first loop is an example of it—while of course ottos you know treating subaru like a stranger bc thats what they are, he goes out of his way to warn subaru repeatedly. at first it looks like its mostly just for his own benefit bc hes Also in danger here, but then he says that he cant just accept taking subarus money and items. he talked about how hed accept subarus payment just a few minutes before this?? and we know in retrospect that he desperately NEEDS money bc hes in debt??? and subarus giving him an out right now to just leave and not look back but he still hesitates and frantically tries calling after subaru??? he has EVERYTHING to gain from just taking the money and subarus things and just leaving, but we dont actually see him leave on screen.

and then right after this, we cut to subaru running to arlam. of course, the witch cult stops him, and in the anime, all they do is circle him, then bow (to foreshadow how the witch cult + petelgeuse think that hes one of them, im assuming), and then they disappear without saying a single word.

its interesting to note though that when they leave, they run towards the direction subaru just came from. which is where otto was.

and then subaru keeps continuing on to arlam and the mansion where he finds out that the witch cult Basically wiped everyone out there. episode 15 continues this loop and then quickly ends it bc subaru is having a mental breakdown finding everyones corpses and then he promptly proceeds to die to puck (iirc?) inside the mansion. and thats all the details the anime gives about the ending of this loop. so no clear hint like the white whale loop that otto Died from this, but i think the implication is definitely there if you choose to read into it. (again, im not sure if the ln adds more details to this or not, but iirc the anime doesnt touch on this much.)

its strange that the witch cultists that find subaru just. up and leave in the direction where we Know otto likely is, bc 1. the cultists move Fast and 2. only a couple minutes passed at most, so its likely that otto is Still There, even if he did start trying to leave. even then though, i think its in character for him to still be there and try to wait for subaru. or, at the very least, otto waited there debating with himself on whether he should just leave or not. waiting there satisfies both his self preservation and the guilt he’d feel if he just abandoned subaru—he doesnt go any further to minimize the danger to himself and frufoo, but he doesnt completely leave just in case subaru comes back or if otto decides to move forward and check on subaru or something. but then we see subaru find everyone at arlam and the mansion dead, and we the audience know the surviving witch cultists left in the opposite direction (where otto is) after killing everyone at arlam, so—i think theres a connection there. as in: yeah. if otto was still there, hes probably dead.

additionally, of course later in arc 3 we see that otto gets captured by the witch cult. this time he was captured bc the witch cult caught him hurrying to get to another location for its job offer, so the witch cult captured him to interrogate him on what exactly he was doing iirc?? so in that sense yeah he was caught by the witch cult for being an outsider getting into witch cult territory while they were in the middle of doing shit (and he likely wouldve been killed if ricardo and the others hadnt rescued him) o.O

but yeah thats all the animes got regarding the first loop (aka ottos official debut into the main story as well)!!!

“There's no loop i can recall otto leaving him to the dust, even when he doesn't know who subaru is." also anon youre so right for saying this bc. yeah i cant recall any loops either bc every time otto is there near subaru. hes risking his life for subaru. hes so incredibly ride or die that its concerning. it kind of boggles my mind that some people overfixate on how he pushed subaru out of the wagon in the white whale loop and YEAH that was fucked up, but not only does he feel bad and die trying to go back for subaru later, but when you watch that scene in the anime and think about it from ottos perspective. yeah some guy you just fucking met is yelling at you about how you apparently forgot about some person youve never heard of in your life, hes yelling at you to go back and TOWARDS THE WHITE WHALE when all youre trying to do is save both of your asses, he starts trying to wrestle with you while youre both being hunted down by the whale, and then he starts rambling to himself about how maybe its his fault the white whale is chasing after both of you while you keep hearing the white whales deranged thoughts in your head the whole time bc of your dp??? its a miracle otto didnt push subaru out of that damn wagon sooner and its a miracle otto even decided to go back for subaru after all that T^TT any person in ottos shoes would be RUSHING to push subaru out of that wagon.

but like. once you think about it - yeah Every Time in the main route that ottos been near subaru and theyve gotten into danger? otto actively puts himself at risk for subarus sake. and he doesnt always die or get hurt for it, but we know that he ALWAYS goes out of his way to help subaru. hes been like this since his debut in arc 3, practically, regardless of whether or not he actually died there. bc he still Lingered around and tried to warn subaru not to leave.

so what im saying is that so much of ottos screentime is spent helping subaru in some way.

#rezero #ask #otto suwen #natsuki subaru #ngl if otto was a girl literally no one in this fandom would be ignoring how fixated and concerningly ride or die he gets about subaru o.o

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mister-brightside · 2 years

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I finally, FINALLY finished season one of the sandman tv series and speaking as a fan of the comics I loved it so much. my long and winding thoughts (with minor spoilers) under the cut.

it was really refreshing to have so much trust in the creators. by the last few episodes I’d be like, I can’t wait for them to get to this scene, and then the scene happened, and it would be so good and so spicy.

for ages literally every comics fan (myself included) was saying that a good and faithful adaptation would be impossible. I was actually fully prepared to pass over the tv series cause there was no way they could pull it off, right? thank god some reviewer on reddit changed my mind, because I’m so delighted to be proven wrong for once. it’s honestly crazy impressive how well they took all these disjointed narratives and somehow made them tonally consistent but still kept the edges. I thought maybe they’d skip the more out of line stories, like the one with the cats or the massacre in the diner, but they really went there. in fact I reread some of the comics after the episodes and I was really surprised to find that they lifted quite a bit of dialogue word for word.

(I love how hob gadling’s story was basically retold verbatim EXCEPT they went out of their way to make the breakup a million times more angsty)

there were so many throwbacks and visual references to the comics which were really lovely and never felt forced. and speaking of visuals, the show is as good as you’re gonna get for a production this size. I was worried it was gonna be a CGI mess and, well, it does veer on that edge at times, but most of the cinematography and effects are truly gorgeous and in the end it’s the actors who keep me connected to the heart of the story.

when I first saw photos of morpheus I was like what the hell? they’re just making him look like Some Guy? but my god tom sturridge knocks it out of the park. he’s absolutely perfect. he sold me immediately. someone else said that when he’s imprisoned in the glass cage he moves almost like a creature and they’re dead on. he does a spectacular job of convincing me he’s not human.

so in the end I think the decision to humanise morpheus’s appearance was absolutely the right one. I always found his character in the comics to be a bit distant because yeah, at times he can be arrogant and self-righteous and somewhat terrifying since he’s so unreadable. and that doesn’t change in the transition to the screen but having tom as he is (with those sad, sad, pathetic, emo eyes) softens his edges a little, you know? he makes you feel for him a bit more.

and I’ve said this before but it’s like. I never really pictured a specific voice when reading the comics, but all of morpheus’s dialogue comes in these special black speech bubbles so you know he’s Different. and as soon as tom’s voiceover began in episode one it felt Right. almost like it had been buried in my subconscious for all these years. insane.

(I kind of want to watch more of tom’s roles but I literally can’t imagine him as anyone other than dream of the endless, like I’m afraid to even google him because it would probably break my brain to see him behaving like a normal human person)

the rest of the cast is fantastic as well. the highlights for me: gwendoline christie as lucifer – chef’s kiss. kirby baptiste-howell as death – for real though, if I met her when I died, I wouldn’t feel too bad about it. david thewlis adds a layer of nuance to john dee that somehow makes him quite sympathetic despite the complete lunacy. vanesu samunyai is very cute and likeable as rose and I hope the show sticks around long enough for her to make her return. likewise, lily travers is really sweet as barbie and I think she’d be a really good lead if her storyline ever comes around.

okay, time for the nitpicking. I do wish they’d cast someone older as lucien, he always had this exhausted ‘no one helps me in this house’ vibe that I just don’t get from vivienne acheampong. and I think boyd holbrook needed to be a little more maniacal as the corinthian. oh well, it’s not like we can have everything. and both actors do a great job as they are so I’m not gonna whine too much.

(if this was 2014 tumblr I probably would be seeing extremely, uh, controversial takes on the corinthian but I haven’t come across any yet thank god)

I’m really hoping the show gets more seasons because it’s doing a wonderful job of bringing all the stories to life. I hope enough casual viewers stick around because I know the lack of narrative structure will throw a lot of people off. in the comics, some characters turn up once and never again, some wander in and out, others leave the story only to show up again several volumes later. some stories last for only a chapter and others go on for ages. and the genre swings from urban fantasy to historical fiction to horror to straight up batshit insanity and everything in between.

but in the end that’s what makes the sandman one of my favourite comics ever. every time I read it I feel like I’ve experienced a big fever dream. and like a dream it promptly fades until I literally forget why I love it so much. then I reread it again and I’m like, oh yeah, that’s why.

so I don’t know how to say it better than this: the show FEELS like the sandman. and that’s all I can ask for.

#if you read the whole thing I salute you <3 #the sandman #personal

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automatismoateo · 2 years

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What drives the anti-abortion crowd? via /r/atheism

What drives the anti-abortion crowd?

This has been a curiosity of mine for a while. Here in Ireland, we have the same kind of religious "pro-life" types, they're not nearly as rabid or numerous. I recently saw something about people in the USA assaulting women entering clinics and it makes me so confused.

When I see a protest for civil rights or the current cost of living crisis, environment protests or govt corruption, I can understand why people come out and stand for these causes, they benefit everyone. The people who protest against abortion seem to do it in a far more aggressive manner and they don't stand to benefit from it in any way whatsoever.

What drives people to support this one specific stance with so much powerful dedication? I know religion is the cause of the belief, but there are many many things in modern secular society that don't jibe with religious beliefs. The only thing that anyone gets out of it is the knowledge that somebody you don't know won't be able to have a procedure you wouldn't get anyway?

I feel like I'm missing or overlooking something, if anyone has any good insight on this, please let me know what I'm missing because with all the Roe v. Wade stuff going on, I'm struggling to think of this as anything other than mass psychosis.

EDIT: Thanks for the discussion thats going on guys! Some nice information that I've never seen before. I should probably clarify something though, I'm interested in finding out what the motivations of the average abortion rally foot soldier are. I can see why big church/govt will go out of their way to make these wild, divisive statements, its the average joe who goes out and assaults an abortion clinic doctor I'm trying to get to the bottom of.

Submitted September 27, 2022 at 11:21AM by bassistciaran (From Reddit https://ift.tt/XaNsKeR)

#reddit

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blockgamepirate · 3 years

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Guys guys guys

The three lives thing can't be just about any deaths that are plot related, not even dramatic ones. The canon deaths have to actually have a plot function as a loss.

(ftr I've seen multiple people suggest all of these, I'm not just vagueblogging about anyone specific. Also I haven’t actually seen the clip of Wilbur talking about it yet, I just saw the original reddit post.)

So, Tommy and Techno fist fighting in the pit is plot relevant and dramatic but Tommy dying just signified him losing the fight. That can't be a canon death, that makes no sense. It was clearly just Techno knocking Tommy out. He didn't literally murder the kid with his fists in a fight that was mainly for letting Tommy let out some steam, Niki and Tubbo at least would have had a bigger reaction if so because that would just be super fucked up.

It also wouldn’t make sense for Techno to do since he was trying to stop the in-fighting (I say “trying” because he clearly doesn’t actually know how to do that like a reasonable person.)

Wilbur getting shot while escaping L'Manberg after being exiled happened during a dramatic, plot heavy scene but him dying wasn't plot relevant and it sure as hell wasn't dramatic enough in itself to count as a canon death. The scene was dramatic, Wilbur getting shot was dramatic, but the actual death was just treated as a temporary setback, not an actual loss of life. IIRC nobody even said Wilbur died, nobody reacted like he'd died. I'd interpret it as him getting shot and being badly wounded, which actually works really well in the scene, especially how he ends up hiding in a hole waiting for Tommy to come pick him up. That makes sense if he’s too weak from bloodloss to walk by himself.

I also think you could easily see the scene where the walls are torn down happening the next day when he's recovered a bit so he's able to walk back to L'Manberg on his own.

(This is getting long, time for a cut)

I'd even argue that Tubbo was the only one to die at the festival, everybody else was only wounded. Potentially horrifically so but still not dead. Schlatt and Quackity got hit by the rockets and maybe Techno even thought he'd killed them but I don't think he did, they didn't react to their deaths almost at all. Imagine if he'd actually killed them, you'd think they'd at least be like what the fuck Technoblade. Also Niki got shot in the crossfire too but nobody said anything about Techno killing her. I think she got hit but survived. I think the people in the audience who died were all actually just incapacitated. Otherwise there should have been consequences, people should be actually angry or grieving the fact that they’re a step closer to death.

You can tell that Tubbo's death was canonical by how it was taken so seriously, much more so than anyone else's deaths.

Similarly Tommy's death in the duel against Dream: Wilbur said to him before the duel that independence wasn't worth him losing his life or something along those lines: that made his death actually impactful, the narrative weight put on his decision to challenge Dream.

I don't know what the other canon deaths would be, besides Wilbur and Jschlatt's permanent ones obv. Eret's betrayal is a good candidate, although I don't think it necessarily has to be since the betrayal itself was the focus of the scene and was impactful enough as is even if all that happened was that they were beaten up and had their gear taken. Techno assassinating Tubbo after the revolution also could be one but doesn't necessarily have to be, it was definitely a JFK moment but the scene would still work if it was just a Reagan moment (bc Reagan was shot and severely injured but survived, you know). In any case it can't be both since Tubbo would be properly dead. (It could also be neither.)

My point is, it's kind of driving me nuts seeing people just count everything plot related or dramatic as a canon death. You can have dramatic moments where nobody dies. In fact that could even make them more dramatic in some cases:

Imagine a wounded Wilbur leaning on Tommy as they struggle through the wilderness. Imagine Tommy lying on the ground, gasping, his vision still blurry from the punches as Techno calmly climbs out of the pit to talk to a satisfied Wilbur. How would either of those scenes be more dramatic if they'd died and respawned instead? They'd just lose a sense of groundedness in my opinion. And it would just be unsatisfying because nobody reacted to the fact that a character just lost a life.

The point of canon deaths, as far as I see it, is to give an in-universe reason for why some deaths have weight to them. It gives death consequences. But for that to work, the canon deaths have to be seen by the characters as deaths, as something being irreparably lost. And it has to be rare to keep its effect.

#dream smp #dreamsmp #tommyinnit #technoblade #tubbo #wilbur soot

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studiobeebo · 3 years

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~♡ Shio, Shoyu, Miso ♡~ [1/?]

Fandom: Jujutsu Kaisen

Pairing: Megumi Fushiguro x Female (she/her) Reader

Warnings: None

Words: 1.9K

Genre: y’all already know it’s just gonna be fluff

A/N: so i made a lil thing sorta based off this cute thing i saw on reddit. idk what i’m doing pls don’t ask.

reblogs are greatly appreciated as they are the main way to get my works around so please consider doing so if you like it! enjoy!

When you had first met Megumi, you honestly didn’t think much of him.

Now, that’s not to say you didn’t find him attractive, but a cute guy around your age coming into the shop with a few of his friends just really wasn’t something very noteworthy in your life. You had only been helping your parents around your family owned ramen shop for about a year or so, but that was long enough to know that the general demographic was people who wanted a tasty, warm meal without having to blow too much money. Needless to say, teenagers fit that demographic fairly well.

Your shop was well known in the area, but it was by no means fancy. In fact the building was a tad bit run down, you didn’t even have any decorations or anything hanging up on the walls and the entirety of it only seated maybe thirty people, so it was clear people didn’t frequent the place because of the ambiance. No, the reason you always seemed to have a steady stream of customers was that the food was simply so good that despite the lack of an enticing atmosphere or even many food options, people couldn’t help but be drawn to it. That mashed together with your friendly family and the decent prices made for a perfect little neighborhood place to eat. So again, when a group of three slightly noisy teenagers sat themselves down at one of the bar tables on the far side of the seating area, you didn’t really have any reason to bat an eye.

“Hey welcome guys!” You put on your usual cheery customer service voice as you filled their glasses with ice water, trying not to lean into any of their personal spaces. “Your options are salt, soy, or miso ramen, with or without beef and or pork. Do you need some time to think about it or do you think you’re ready to order now?”

Like you said, there weren’t many options.

“Oh, can I get soy?! Or maybe- hm, maybe I’ll have miso…”

“You’re tasteless, miso is the worst kind.”

“I bet you’ve never even tried it, Kugisaki!”

“They’re going to need a minute to think. That bit’s hard for them.”

The taller boy with dark hair and an apparently permanent scowl on his face groaned out in annoyance, his eyes only meeting yours for a moment before he turned to yell at the other two to lower their voices. You nodded with a smile, leaving them to decide and chuckling to yourself as you moved on to ask the customers at the other tables if they were doing ok.

“Ok! Excuse me- er....crap, what was her name again Fushiguro?”

“How am I supposed to know?”

“I don’t know, usually you remember to ask the important stuff like that!”

The not-so-subtle arguing was enough to catch your attention as you made your way back over to the trio, your smile being a bit more genuine this time around in response to their odd yet funny dynamic.

“It’s (Y/N), sorry about that guys! So, what can I get for ya?”

The three of them listed off their orders and after you repeated them back for confirmation, you gave them a quick thumbs up before going back to the kitchen to put their orders in with your dad. Within a moment of your absence, Itadori was turning to Fushiguro with that excited puppy look that adorned his face almost 24/7.

“She’s kind of pretty, don’t you think?”

Fushiguro’s eye twitched, but luckily Kugisaki was quick to butt in with an argument of ‘How come you’re only asking him what he thinks, huh?!’. It was a simple question, but what annoyed him was the added use of ‘kind of’. Itadori was extremely simple, so the thought that he only thought you were ‘kind of’ pretty irritated him because how could Fushiguro be here doing a double take just to get a better look at your features every time you spoke to them while Itadori just barely took note of it? It was uncharacteristic, but he couldn’t disagree. He could tell you definitely had a slight air of putting on a cheery showiness for the sake of good customer service, but either way, you were...cute, and he was insistent on leaving it at that without bothering to admit to it out loud.

“I hope you both know you’re paying for yourselves.” He interrupted, hoping their argument had moved on from their waitress so that he wouldn’t be asked about his thoughts on you again.

“Eh?! Since when were you so cheap!”

“Ok guys!”

The three of them jumped slightly at the sound of your voice, simultaneously turning to see you holding up a tray with three steaming bowls of ramen sat atop of it.

“Soy with beef, soy with pork..” You listed off while setting the bowls in front of the copper haired girl and the smiley boy respectively, “And miso with no topping.” You finished, eyes flicking up to meet the dark haired boys as you placed the final bowl in front of him. It was only for a moment, but you could have sworn your saw a speckle of pink dust his cheeks before he looked away from you with a short “Thanks.”.

“Mhm, no problem.” You hummed out, scanning your eyes around the restaurant to see if you were immediately needed elsewhere before deciding to continue and indulge your interest in the three, or more specifically, your interest in the cute boy with the black hair. “So... you guys are from that traditional religious high school, right?”

The pink haired one’s eyes lit up as he struggled to finish the noodles he was halfway through slurping up so that he could speak.

“Yeah, yeah! I guess our uniforms are a giveaway..”

You laughed, leaning your back against the empty seat that sat next to them at the bar. As if you needed any further confirmation, you could tell he was the energetic extrovert of the group.

“Yeah, you don’t really see many of them around. Though I’ve heard it’s kind of a hard school to get into.”

“Pfft, maybe for normal people, it was no sweat for us.” There was that copper haired girl again with a confident look on her face as she too stopped eating to interject, though you hardly took what she said in a bad way as she didn’t seem to mean any harm from it.

“That so? Guess I’ll have to call you guys next time I’m having trouble with my classes, I swear I can barely manage the workload I get.”

“Haha I feel that, I actually started school elsewhere but I just transferred a few months ago! Oh- I’m Itadori by the way! This is Kugisaki, and Fushiguro’s the sulking rude one!”

“Hey.” Fushiguro finally stopped his eavesdropping to join in, sending a glare Itadori’s way, but he just seemed to brush it off as if he’d been under his friends' scrutiny plenty of times before. After a moment though he turned back to you, though as much as he wanted to say something to you, he didn’t really know what to say. He wasn’t like Itadori or Kugisaki who could just strike up a conversation with anyone anywhere, but while he turned over his conversational options in his head, you pushed away from where you had previously been leaning and gave a sheepish, apologetic smile that easily brought his attention away from his thoughts.

“No no you’re good- Sorry, I should be leavin’ you guys to eat anyway. Just call me over when you’re ready to pay or if you need anything, alright?” You spoke, your words being directed more towards who you now knew as ‘Fushiguro’, however it was his two friends who responded with an affirmation before going back to their meals.

Once again you were off to tend to other tables and do the other tidbits of your job, though this time your head was filled with questions galore. Did Jujutsu Tech students come into town often, or was this some special outing? What grades were the three of them in? And most importantly, you wondered if they would ever be coming back? You weren’t one to get flustered or form crushes easily, but you had to admit you were a bit taken by Fushiguro. He was cute, sure, but he had a cool, mature air about him that could make anyone be left wanting to know more about him, especially because most of the conversation you did have was with his friends and not him. However once again your mental flow was interrupted by Itadori waving you over, barely waiting for you to make your way by their side to start speaking while the three of them handed over their respective payments.

“That was crazy good, (Y/N), we’ll have to come by some time again if that’s ok!”

“It’s not like she’s the one making it, Itadori.”

“You realize that a restaurant’s whole goal is to get people to come back, right? Of course it’s ‘ok’..”

Despite Fushiguro’s matter-of-fact statement, his eyes still shifted to yours as if he secretly wanted to know if you wanted them to come back as well and the smile you gave him in return only solidified the fact that he wanted to return either way. Though of course he boiled that down to ‘The service was good and so was the food’, but part of him knew that was bullshit.

“I’d love to see you guys around again!” You said, collecting up their empty bowls as you spoke. “I work most weekends and some days after class so you should try to stop in while I’m here.”

“Hell yeah!” Itadori exclaimed as the three of them got up from their seats one after the other, Kugisaki and Itadori saying their goodbye’s as they pardoned their way through the tables and other customers to leave, though Fushiguro stayed behind for a moment, a hand rubbing at the back of his neck as he spoke.

“...Sorry about them, it’s practically like wrangling preschoolers whenever we aren’t on du- er, in class.”

He knew the apology wasn’t necessary and that you didn’t seem all that bothered by either of his friends’ lively personalities, but he found himself feeling a bit...left out in the fact that he had yet to really speak to you. Why he even felt compelled to speak to you in the first place was a mystery, but he figured that was one question that didn’t really need an answer for right now.

“Oh, it’s no problem.” You laughed, giving another smile as you tried your hardest to not act as fidgety as you were feeling on the inside. “I mean- I’ve got friends like that too so I-“

“Excuse me?”

A polite voice cut you off halfway through your sentence and you turned to see an older woman waving you over, clearly not wanting to be rude but wanting your attention nevertheless.

“Sorry-“

“You’re fine!” You sputtered out, maybe a bit too excited as you slowly backed away from him, “I’ll see you around if you guys stop by again, huh, Fushiguro?”

His eyes widened slightly, a bit surprised by that hopeful tone to your voice before he nodded, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips and a bit of slightly shameful excitement tugging at his heart.

“Yeah, we’ll- I’ll see you around.”

#im still soft for megumi #can you tell i dont outline or Ever Know Where I'm Going With My Words #haha a.d.d. gang wya #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x reader #megumi fushiguro #megumi fushiguro x reader #also dont ask me when the next part will be #because I Never Know

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joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 3 years

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I watched the first episode of Horimiya, and you know what?

This dude’s hot. I’m into him. Like more than the female lead. Piercings and shit aren’t even something I’m specifically into but they just look good on him.

Anyway, I quite liked this first episode actually. Which is weird, since I don’t tend to care about romance in general and I especially don’t tend to care about whatever the most popular upcoming shows are. But this was fun. The visuals are really nice and sorta remind me of Bloom Into You, I actually thought the music sounded Kensuke Ushio-y a little bit but it wasn’t, even then it was still good, and there’s quite a lot of chemistry amongst the cast. Key visual has 9 characters though the only ones who get to do anything here are Hori, Miyamura, and Toru, but even among just the 3 of them we already had pretty likeable characters that interact really well with one another.

I will say that the “everyone has more than one face” theming is a little weak in this first episode, specifically because there’s kind of an imbalance in the selves that Hori and Miyamura only show to the other. I mean, Miyamura’s this guy who looks like a weird otaku loser but the dude’s covered in piercings and tats, which A) isn’t allowed by his school and B) makes him a Japanese kid who’s not completely homogenised into their crazy hive mind where everyone has to fit in, those whacky Japanese! Whereas Hori is just like, a pretty and sort of quiet girl in school who, at home, is a bit louder and dresses casually without putting much effort into her hair. Like wow Miyamura’s got a lot more stakes in what he’s hiding than Hori, like I don’t think anyone would give a shit if they saw the face that Hori “hides”. It just seems weird to me to build the story’s themes around a main couple where one character so clearly got the short end of the stick.

Also I found these fuckin coloured silhouettes popping out of characters constantly to feel weirdly pretentious so those were a thing.

And then just while we’re rattling off complaints, the tear-driven emotional moment at the end where Hori’s all “oh is that all this was to you?” sucked to watch. They quickly have her go funny angry which I appreciated since it got it over with, but even then I still found this to be a really lame scene.

Other than that though, we’re still just a pretty damn charming show with already endearing leads and nice production to boot. I really like the sort of mobile game visuals of the ED too, that was cute. Yeah, this has been an unexpectedly fun show and to my own surprise, I’m excited to see more of it.

But it’s not fucking 8.60 out of 10 good, excuse me? Yeah Reddit likes the manga and unconditionally give any shounen romcom a 10/10, fuckin what else is new? But even then, 8.6? Really? This was that incredible? I don’t fuckin think so dude. Now for all I know the show will get better and better and maybe one day it’ll earn that, but as it is now I feel like this is grossly overrated.

#horimiya #10.1.21 #bloom into you

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lavenderek · 3 years

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i have a thought to express, feel free to scroll past.

i’m gonna discuss rape and sexual abuse in this post. it’s also long because i don’t really have a conclusion, it’s just some thoughts.

so i was looking into that reality show that facilitated shane dawson’s horrible movie “not cool” and i stumbled across a reddit thread posted by someone who was a fan of his as a preteen. the OP alleged that shane’s content contributed to them developing some serious issues including body dysmorphia and the normalization of sexual behavior involving children.

some of the comments were in support and agreement, but a large amount of them were like, “where were your parents? it’s not shane’s job to police what you see online. it’s not his fault you were too young for his content.”

now, shane was well aware from the jump that his fans were mostly kids and teens - he talked about it multiple times - but that’s not what this post is about. this post is about that particular argument, which does not sit well with me.

it reminded me of a couple years ago when i made a very critical post about c*ptive prince.

pause: i want to make it crystal clear that i am not drawing a comparison between people who like cp and shane dawson. i’m not mad anymore, so i am not making this post making a value judgment on cp or fans of it, positive or negative.

specifically, i was really bothered by the way cp content was posted and shared with no mention of or reference to the actual material. people were calling it a queer romance. it was a little-known series by a little-known author, so there were no synopses anywhere online, only the summary you’d see on the back of the book. so people would seek out cp thinking it was a romance and be blindsided by the fact that, spoilers, the story is set in a fantasy world where child rape is a major tenet of society. the scenes are explicit, detailed, and many. it’s not a thing that happens once or twice and is a major plot point, it’s a thing that happens multiple times in every chapter and is just kind of a thing that’s going on. if you’ve ever read twilight, i would compare the presence of rape in cp to the presence of rain in twilight.

like, that’s how often it happened, that’s how it was treated. sometimes with indifference, sometimes with a negative opinion, sometimes it caused problems, bella talks about it every two pages. it is a very rapey series.

and people like, did not want to discuss this. they were like, “the characters decide the rape is bad in the end. and that’s not even what the story is about, it just happens in the story. i don’t know what to tell you.” like... people were not receptive to any kind of conversation about this topic lmfao, it was very touchy. they wanted to acknowledge that rape itself is bad, and then they wanted the subject closed.

now, why is this a problem? i read the books. there were parts i enjoyed, and there were parts i didn’t enjoy. i’m not gonna reread them, but i’m still game to talk about it. ultimately i wanted to be able to talk about books with a friend of mine, and while i was like, “yikes, this is a lot of rape, was not expecting the volume of rape,” it didn’t occur to me this would be a pervasive issue at all until a different friend of mine happened upon it. this other friend was a rape survivor, and i happened to know she would find this content very upsetting. when she said she was thinking of buying the book, i was like, “halt, you know what happens in it, right?”

nope! she didn’t. she saw cute fanart and a ficlet on her dash, somebody told her it was a queer romance. nowhere was there any indicator in summaries online or the posts she was seeing that the book would describe a person being drugged and sexually abused. she was pretty relieved that i’d warned her and shaken that that’s what happens in the books lmao. she would never have guessed. the cp fandom was made up of people who loved the main pairing, and they’d talk about them being in love and draw them being in love, and it felt like everybody was just acting like the rape wasn’t even present in the books lmao.

pause: i didn’t go in the tags. this is not representative of the fandom as a whole. this is just my and my friend’s experience of it as passive internetgoers.

people got uncomfortable and a little defensive if i brought it up. they’d agree to tag for cp, but if you don’t know what cp is about, that isn’t helpful information. like that post that’s like, “waterboarding at guantanamo bay sounds like a lot of fun if you don’t know what either of those things are” lmao. if you don’t know what cp is about, tagging for it just tells you what it’s called. and it very clearly ruined everyone’s fun if i talked about this.

so that’s what i was mad about, i was mad that i felt as though there was no recourse here, and i was mad because i felt like the cp fandom was the emperor’s new clothes. nobody was acting like it even existed and everybody got uncomfortable if i brought it up, like, i legitimately wondered at some point if i had somehow accidentally read a kinky rewrite of it, that the real version did not have rape in it and nobody knew what i was talking about. i felt like i was going crazy and i got shitty in the middle of the night one time, and wrote that post.

i ultimately deleted it, so i do not remember how it was worded; but i do recall that it was a venting post, it was not intended to reach a wider audience. i was not trying to convince anyone in that moment, i was just talking shit. so i can bet that it probably came across as very judgmental and unkind.

i made a bunch of people very angry with that post. somebody got thousands of notes by reblogging with an impassioned smackdown saying basically what those redditors were saying about shane - it’s not their job to police what people see online. it’s not their fault you were unprepared for cp.

i do not think this is a nuanced enough argument because i do not think it acknowledges that not all content is created equal.

i even got an anon ask in good faith saying, well, a huge trigger for me is body horror, and people will draw or reblog stuff with body horror in it, and i can’t hold that against them.

and like, no, you can’t, but body horror is not the same as rape or child sexual abuse. body horror isn’t the same as sex trafficking. right? like those things aren’t comparable in the way that i think the anon was wanting them to be. they were saying that both of these are common triggers that people would want tagged and be unable to move past in media, you know? and i get that, i got what they were saying.

kind of like that cartoonist who wrote a spooky horror comic a while ago and somebody sent them an ask being like, “that was really scary, you usually post fun comics, this was damaging, unfollowed :/” like obviously a stranger’s fear of spooky things is not something he should be expected to take on on his own blog lmao. i am deeply afraid of ghosts, by the way.

but according to rainn.org, 1 in 5 women experience rape in their lifetime. 1 in 5 women are not frightened by literal ghosts in their lifetime. 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys aren’t body horrored. body horror and ghosts aren’t used on a global scale as tools to control and abuse people and they do not have the same connotations of shame, degradation, and control. the things are not the same.

i don’t have an easy answer. i can’t wave my magic wand and make people not enjoy the rape erotica, nor was that my goal in the first place. i wasn’t clutching my pearls like, “how dare you! do not draw this art! think of the children!” and i don’t know how else i would have solved the problem, aside from having a weird disclaimer under your art of two dudes cuddling that says “warning, these dudes are from a book that’s got several thousand words of explicit rape in it, and i know that, you’re not the only one seeing that,” like that’s a lot and i get it.

i don’t have an easy answer because there isn’t one. i felt like “well, that’s not my problem” was an easy answer.

as i get older, the more responsibility i have as an adult online to maintain boundaries between me and minors, for example. i am not responsible for their internet experience and they can’t get mad at me for cussing or writing about gay werewolves on my blog, but i do have to be mindful of that context if i’m interacting with someone online. that’s where the complexity comes in. you can’t wash your hands of the context of the things you say and do online.

just how to solve these problems, i did not know then and i do not know now. i guess we take it on a case by case basis.

if you’re curious about shane dawson and his horrible movie, by the way, this guy did a few funny videos about the horrible movie and this guy did a not funny but comprehensive breakdown of shane and his career.

and i tried to tint my eyebrows for the first time the other day, i have red hair and my eyebrows are darker than my hair for some reason, so i tried to use an eyebrow tint to lift my brows just like, a shade, so be closer to my hair? but in doing this i discovered that my eyebrows are a mixture of red and brown?

so the red hairs lifted to a sunny orange, and the brown hairs stayed brown. so my eyebrows are fully like, calico right now. boom, orange juice, that’s life

#diary post #long post

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johnmurphysreddit · 4 years

Text

Collected spoilers and predictions

And my steaming hot takes on them

Lexa comes back to tell Clarke it’s OK to move on.

8/10 on the likely scale. Could be the actress. Could be a tech handwavium.

Lexa downloaded into Russell along with Sheiheda and they’ll fight for control of the body

And then Jason will say something incredibly awkward about his Ultimate Bisexual lead.

Sheiheda is Cadogan

Scarred emo boy in a hood looked too young for that to me, but if Indra is about 50 and Sheiheda was an evil overlord when she was a girl and we’re 100 years post apocalypse when Cadogan looked about 40 in his anti-tech videos.... Eh, the timeline was broken this season anyway. Continuity has never been a hard limit, and maybe that “each season is a movie” thing was to tell us this season’s even more off than others.

Sheiheda is the Shepherd

TBH I don’t understand this theory. How’s an emo teen murder boy from Sangeda who was on earth 50 years after the bombs simultaneously supposed to have lead a bunch of culty space mercs?

Cadogan is the Shepherd. The level 12s of his cult found the wormhole on earth and that’s why the bunker was empty.

Intriguing.

Cadogan is the Shepherd and they put him in cryo when his “tech is bad” philosophy conflicted with their use of mind readers, invisi-helmets, and wormholes that they got from the aliens.

We’re 25% of the way into the season. If we were going to see aliens I hope we’d see them by now or be focused on building tension around the “ooohhh aliens!” issue. But yeah, I think they iced down the Shepherd when his philosophy was no longer useful but having him as a focal point was.

Orlando was Cadogan.

Unlikely. Jason loves his own mythology and Orlando was a one episode character who’s dead now.

Clarke and Bellamy will wormhole back to the destroyed earth and restore the soil with Monty’s algae

In what continuity are they the people most inclined or able to tend and restore the soil?

Bellamy will be an amnesiac cultist when they find him and he’ll try to kill Clarke

My eyes just rolled so hard I saw my own brain, so yeah, 9/10 chance it will happen.

The way wormholes work and the planets are shown positioned on the diagram Penance is running at normal time it just seems faster compared to Sanctum. Sanctum is incredibly slow and Bardo is unknown. Bellamy could be anywhere from a few years older than when he left to dead of old age.

I don’t think Jason knows or cares how wormholes work and we’ve seen pictures of Bob looking well scrubbed but more or less the same as when he left but in a new outfit.

Under the Sanctum is the slow one theory earth has had thousands or millions of years to recover and they can go back to a lush green planet.

Gotcha. And bumping this up to plausible.

No no no that’s wrong. Earth and Sanctum are on similar time scales because we know Josephine and Russell’s age and.....

You guys are in too deep. “Time is misbehaving but there’s no time travel” means to me that counting the timeline is useless but no one is going backwards.

Bardo is Earth but after recovery time has passed. Cadogan’s people won (sort of) and they did inherit the earth. They were chilling in some other bunker still while the Grounder-Arker apocalypses were rolling.

I think that violates Jason’s no time travel statement, but I’m here for the idea that there are still bunker people on earth who skipped the entire Grounder and power plant melt down phase.

Bardo is on Earth inside a bunker. Boom. No time travel.

This theory is from reddit thus the hostility in the phrasing.

Clarke and Bellamy use the portals to go back and stop the apocalypse.

That would make a spin off about the apocalypse really awkward. Also when have Clarke and Bellamy jointly ever deescalated a situation?

The timelines split.

I love infinite possibility stories but they don’t seem to be doing that.

“The last war. A war to end all wars” is their attempt to kill Clarke. Clarke is Athena.

That would be a loud scream in the direction of BSG and I wouldn’t put it past them.

Our heroes have been the bad guys all along.

I mean yeah. Does anyone not know by now that “bad” is a matter of perspective? If not the Sanctumites who would really like to go back to organic farming and only losing people occasionally instead of in bulk and by fire would like to have a chat with you. All that “my people” stuff was to establish that there are multiple sides to a conflict.

It’s going to come down to a battle of Heda!Russell and the Sanctum collective against the Shepherd and his cult.

I don’t care about any of that at all, so 9/10 likely.

Gabriel and the Primes knew more about Bardo and the Shepherd than they’ve let on

We kind of got hints of that from some of Russell’s final dialogue about “ok you deal with it” and TBH I still don’t trust Gabriel. 200 years of intellectual curiosity just isn’t a strong enough reason for me to buy that he’s super zen as they’re hopping through time and space.

They guy who kidnapped Gaia is Bellamy.

If Bellamy had an invisibility suit I can’t see him using it to grab Gaia. Doesn’t matter if he’s brainwashed or not. Gaia just wasn’t a major player last time Bellamy saw her. It was an opportunistic grab and it doesn’t matter who does one of those.

There are six planets. Sanctum, Skyring, Bardo, Nakara, Ethera, and one offline. The offline one is Earth.

Maybe? Where did these planet names come from.

There are six planets. Sanctum, Skyring, Bardo, Nakaro, Ethera, and one offline. The offline one is ALIE’s world. Or Ethera is ALIEs world. Either way, ALIEs world is back in play.

Sounds plausible.

The cult is similar to the church in book 4 of the book series.

I don’t think Jason has read the book series and if he did he’s not going to admit it. He may have had an intern give him notes on it so he can throw some kibble to people who have but I wouldn’t expect the similarities to run deep.

Elligus 3 sold crew space to Cadogan’s cult, so we’ve got a coming conflict between the Elligus 3 descendants and the Cadogan people

Plausible. The people on sanctum are, in part, Elligus 3 descendants so this is already set up.

(BTS gossip and spec)

NOPE. Not getting into it. But I will say that the excessive use of day rate actors and greenscreen may be keeping the budget per episode down but it isn’t enhancing my enjoyment of the season.

They’re all going to disperse at the end. No more “we’re the last of the human race.” The human race can’t be stopped because it’s not in one location.

That’s very BSG. Steal from the best.

Clarke will pull a lever and die at the end.

That would be very on brand of her.

(character) x (character) endgame.

Every decision from the writing room at this point needs to be framed as “what gets them on a list to generate long term viewer dollars and relevance in five years.” I don’t believe shipping is part of Jason’s calculation. Some people very strongly disagree. We shall see.

It’s all a dream / Clarke’s been dead since (point) / none of them ever left ALIEs world / they’ve all been in cryo in underground bunkers the whole time.

This could be done really well or really poorly depending on the specifics of how they handled it

That’s the end of my list but I know I missed a lot. Comment or send me asks with others. It looks like we’re in for a ride.

#the 100 #spoilers #speculation #tbh I have no idea which are spoilers and which are spec

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soberqueerinthewild · 5 years

Text

Nobody else but the two of us here

Oh look, it’s more Buddie 9-1-1 fluff! I cribbed the entire plot from this reddit post and also took some inspiration from the scene in Red, White, and Royal Blue where Nora knocks some sense into Alex. This fic is all sorts of ridiculous. It’s set in the nebulous future where Buck is back at the 118. As with every single thing I write, this would never have come into existence without the encouragement of @seeaddywrite <3.

****

The thing is, Eddie isn’t homophobic. I mean, he’s pretty sure he’s not homophobic. He’s 30 years old, he’s lived in LA for two years, he’s spent time around plenty of folks at every point along the LGBT spectrum. He went to the wedding of two men he served with just last year, and teared up a little at how beautiful the ceremony was. He and Christopher have dinner at Hen and Karen’s once or twice a month at least. And in all that time, he’s never had an issue. At least he doesn’t think he has. He wracks his brain to review every time he’s seen a queer couple act affectionately in the past, and he truly doesn’t recall feeling any level of discomfort. So he can’t figure out why the fuck his insides twisted and he felt vaguely nauseous when he caught sight of Buck kissing some guy in his car before shift one morning two weeks ago.

At first he tried to write it off as surprise. Eddie can admit that it was a bit of a shock when he overheard Buck talking about an upcoming date to Hen and caught that he was using male pronouns about a month ago. Buck had looked his way and blanched when he realized Eddie had overheard. Eddie was quick to reassure Buck that it didn’t matter to him. He’d asked a few cursory questions about the guy and tried to act normal. He did feel a little, well, weird about it, and if he’s being honest, a little hurt that Buck hadn’t told him he was bisexual. They were supposed to be best friends, at least Eddie thought they were. But he’d put that hurt aside and tried to be supportive. Now he worries maybe Buck had sensed some latent homophobia in him that he hadn’t even been aware of, and that’s why he hadn’t shared until he had no choice.

When Eddie asked, Buck told him, haltingly, with uncharacteristic shyness, that during his recovery he’d had a lot of time to think, and had realized that his sexuality wasn’t quite as narrow as he’d previous thought and his attraction wasn’t limited just to women. Eddie thought he’d made appropriately supportive noises, and from Buck’s relieved grin, he thought they’d ended the conversation on a good note. The idea of Buck being bisexual didn’t bother Eddie exactly, though over the next weeks he did find himself thinking about it quite a bit. Wondering exactly how Buck had known, if there was a particular guy who had triggered that realization, and idly wondering what Buck’s type was.

So evidently thinking about Buck being bisexual in the abstract was fine for Eddie, it was actually seeing it in practice that appeared to be the problem. Because unfortunately the irritation and nausea he’d felt in the face of the kiss wasn’t a one time thing. If anything, it had intensified.

Last week, he and Buck went out for a drink on a rare night free for Eddie, when Christopher was at a sleepover. As much as he loved spending time with Buck and Christopher at home, sometimes it was nice to have an adult night out. And it had been nice. Right up until it wasn’t. At first Eddie wasn’t bothered when Mark from the 147 had come over to start chatting. Sure, Eddie would have rather just talked to Buck, since he felt like Buck was the person he could usually relax around, but Mark was a nice guy, and Eddie wasn’t opposed to him sharing a round with them. Right up until he noticed Mark edging his chair a little closer to Buck’s. Noticed the way he was laughing just a bit too loudly at Buck’s jokes, his hand lingering on Buck’s arm, the small of his back, his thigh. Noticed the way he looked at Buck, and even worse, noticed the way Buck was looking right back.

The nauseous feeling returned with a vengeance, and Eddie could barely follow the conversation. He was so snippy and irritated the rest of the night that Buck kept shooting concerned glances his way, until Eddie finally gave up and called it a night. His stomach knotted when Buck decided against leaving with him, his eyes flickering with interest to the table Mark was sharing with his friends, and he nearly crashed his car three times on the way home because he was pissed, and wasn’t even sure why.

His mood has steadily worsened since that night, culminating in him snapping at Buck to get back to work this morning when he saw him smiling at his phone when he and Eddie were supposed to be doing inventory. Buck had put his phone away, looking wounded, and hadn’t spoken a word to Eddie since. With good reason, since Eddie’s never cared if anyone else in the 118 has paused when it’s not busy to answer a text. But every time he’d seen Buck look at his phone and smile, he’d imagine it was Mark texting. He couldn’t stop his mind from imagining the two of them on a date, making out, what might happen if they went home together. The roiling feeling in his gut worsening every time he thought about it.

He’s spent all day trying to figure out what the hell his problem is and homophobia seems to be the only rational explanation for his behavior. He needs to figure out a way to curb it before it ruins the best friendship he’s ever had.

******

Eddie’s still thinking about his weird, sudden onset attack of homophobia when he and Christopher arrive at Hen and Karen’s for dinner. He tries to put it aside, but his mind doesn’t want to focus on anything else. He’s attuned to Karen and Hen’s casual intimacy throughout the night, and he’s positive he feels no trace of the discomfort or disgust at all. It’s completely incongruous with the way he’s been feeling around Buck lately, and his frustration sticks with him all through dinner. He knows he’s being withdrawn and rude, but he can’t seem to shake it off.

After the plates are cleared, Christopher and Denny escape to the living room to play some video game, and Hen pours more wine for herself and Eddie, and tea for Karen, before finally asking, “So are you gonna tell us what the hell is up with you or not?”

Eddie grimaces. “That obvious, huh?”

“Yes, you’re not subtle, spill.” Hen demands.

Karen adds, softer, “That is, if it’s something you’d like to talk about. We’re happy to listen.”

Eddie knows they’re probably not the right audience for this. He feels odd asking his lesbian friends to help him figure out whether or not he’s homophobic. He’s pretty sure that’s not emotional labor they should have to take on, but he doesn’t really have anyone else he can go to about this, so it all comes spilling out. He tells them about his reaction to seeing Buck kiss that random guy, about Mark from the 147, about snapping at Buck about texting that morning, and the confusing mix of disgust, nausea, and irritation he’s been feeling.

“So yeah, I think I’ve developed some weird, Buck-specific homophobia, because I swear I never feel that way with you, or Michael, or any of my other queer friends. I don’t know, maybe it’s because Buck’s my best friend and we’re so close? I don’t know!” Eddie realizes he’s rambling and cuts himself off, unable to look Hen and Karen in the eye while he waits for their reaction.

He’s not sure what he was expecting, but Hen bursting into laughter wasn’t it. He looks up in astonishment and sees that while Karen isn’t laughing, she is fighting back a smile herself, and exchanging a look with Hen, the kind he and Buck shoot at each other sometimes when they’re communicating without words. Karen’s the first one to speak, while Hen tries valiantly to pull herself together.

“Sorry,” Karen says softly, putting a hand on his arm and looking at him with a combination of affection and pity. “That wasn’t very nice of us to laugh. I can tell this is upsetting you, but I think you can rest assured that you’re not homophobic. I really don’t think that’s what this is.”

“Ok, then what is it? Why do I feel so uncomfortable whenever I see or think about Buck with a guy?” Eddie’s frustration peaks now, and he’s unable to modulate his tone until he’s practically shouting at Hen and Karen. He just wants someone else to tell him what the fuck is going on so he can start to feel normal again.

“Because you want to fuck him,” Hen says bluntly, like it’s the most obvious answer to the simplest question.

Eddie nearly spits out his wine. “What? No.” He shakes his head vigorously. It can’t be that.

“Sorry,” Hen amends. “That’s not quite accurate. Well, I mean, it is, but beyond that you probably want to date him, marry him, and have lots more babies together. You know, on top of the child you’re already basically raising together.”

“But...no…” Eddie sputters, but the word lacks conviction. “I mean, but I’m straight?” He doesn’t mean for the sentence to come out sounding like a question, but all of the sudden it is one.

Hen shrugs, visibly giving up. “Ok, suit yourself. No skin off my back. I lost the pool months ago anyways. I always underestimate the power of denial and compulsive heterosexuality.”

“Wait, what p— ”

“Hen, be nice!” Karen interrupts, swatting Hen affectionately on the arm. “Ok, Eddie,” She says placatingly. “We absolutely could be wrong about you having feelings for Buck. Only you can say that. I know you want to figure out why you’re feeling this way. I truly don’t think it’s homophobia, but maybe you’re right and it is some form of it. So I want to try a little thought experiment. Just imagine Buck kissing a girl for a minute. Like umm… say he and what’s her name, Ali? got back together and you saw them kissing, like how would you feel? Would you be cool with that?”

Eddie’s reflexive answer is that of course he wouldn’t care. He’s seen Buck kiss girls before. Sure he’d never particularly liked any of Buck’s girlfriends, but he’d never felt revulsion when he saw them together. But he humors Karen and closes his eyes and tries to imagine it. As soon as the image enters his brain, his blood boils and he wants to throw something, anything, across the room. It obviously shows on his face, if Karen’s look of fond amusement and Hen’s muttered “oblivious moron” is any indication.

Well, fuck. In an instant he’s positive Hen is absolutely right. It’s not homophobia, it’s jealousy. And now that he thinks about it, it’s not exactly a new feeling. Sure, the intensity has ramped up, but he’s always been annoyed when Buck’s attention was on anyone but him. He’s never had a friend as close as Buck before, no one he missed when they weren’t around, no one who fit so seamlessly into his life, no one who he trusted so implicitly with his child. He thought maybe it was normal in close friendships to be a little possessive, but he’s pretty sure experiencing white hot rage when merely thinking about your best friend kissing someone else is...well, Eddie’s not sure exactly what it is, but it’s definitely not straight.

Ok, so he’s not straight and probably in love with his best friend. So there’s that. Problem is, Eddie has no clue what he’s supposed to do with this new information. He supposes he might as well throw himself at the mercy of Hen and Karen, since apparently they know everything.

“Ok, so say you’re right— ”

“I am right,” Hen interrupts.

“— and I’m jealous. What do I do with that?”

“God Diaz, do I have to write you a goddamn road map? Tell him or kiss him or whatever and live happily ever after. It’s not that complicated.”

“But wouldn’t it be presumptuous to assume he wants to be with me, just because he dates men now? He’s probably doesn’t even see me like that.” Eddie’s a little surprised by how much that idea guts him.

Karen does a remarkable job of trying not to look like she’s internally laughing at him, but Eddie can see it in the crease in her brow and the quirk of her lips anyways. Hen makes no such effort, cackling loudly before shaking her head and rolling her eyes heavenward. “God, you’re lucky you’re pretty, ‘cause you’re dumb as hell. That boy has been looking at with stars in his fucking eyes since the first day you walked into the 118.”

“No—I mean, he hated me when I started.”

“Yeah,” Hen agrees sarcastically. “For one day, during which he stared at you a lot when you were working out, tried to impress you, poked at you until he had your attention, and by the end of the day, you developed an epic bromance where you’re basically inseparable and neither of you can keep a girlfriend for more than a couple of weeks.”

Now that he thinks about it, he and Buck have had a few, well, moments, he guesses is the right word. Times where their eyes caught and Eddie hadn’t wanted to look away, or their hugs lasted a beat or two longer than normal. And really, there’s no one Eddie looks forward to seeing more than Buck, no one else he wants to talk to after a long day. It’s always been different with Buck, from the first day they met. Maybe he has been a complete idiot about this.

“So, does this mean I’m bisexual?” The word feels strange on his tongue. New, weird, but not necessarily wrong.

“Yes,” Hen answers at the same time Karen says, “That’s not for us to say.”

“We would never—“ Karen shoots Hen another pointed look, “tell you how to define your own sexuality. It’s up to you to choose the label that feels best for you. Or some people prefer no labels at all. And there’s no rush. There’s not a clock on this. You don’t have to do anything now, you can take your time and figure out how you feel.”

“I wouldn’t take too long, though,” Hen adds helpfully. “I know a number of gay and bi firefighters who were more than a little excited to hear that Buck has joined their ranks.”

Eddie shoots her a dirty look, but he knows she’s right. He’s seen it already; hell, it's what started this whole existential crisis.

He drops his head into his hands and lets out an emphatic, “Fuck.” Karen scoots her chair closer, pats his arm affectionately, and pours him another glass of wine.

****

By the next morning, Eddie’s come up with a plan. He didn’t sleep much last night. Surprisingly, it didn’t take long for him to accept that he has feelings for Buck, but he tossed and turned all night trying to figure out what to do about it, how to make something happen. Now that he knows, he doesn’t want to miss his shot and he has a sinking suspicion that if he doesn’t act soon, Buck will find a boyfriend and he’ll be devastated. So, he’s decided he’s going to invite Buck over after his shift, they’ll have dinner, maybe watch a movie with Chris, and then once Chris is in bed, he’ll just tell Buck that he wants to be more than friends. Simple.

That plan goes to hell the second he sets foot in the firehouse and sees Mark, who should be at his own goddamn station, but instead is here with his fucking hand on Buck’s arm, looking at Buck like he wants to eat him for breakfast.

Eddie’s feet move on their own volition and he’s halfway across the room with his hand on Buck’s elbow before he has time to think. “Sorry, we’ve got some important 118 business to discuss, you’ll have to pick this up later,” he says over his shoulder as he propels Buck towards the back of the firehouse.

Buck looks at Eddie like he’s gone crazy and mouths something that looks like “sorry” to Mark, but doesn’t resist. Eddie steers Buck into the locker room which is thankfully empty. As soon as the door shuts behind them Buck seems to find his voice. “What the hell was that?”

Eddie wishes he had an answer, but he’s been acting on instinct, blind to everything but the point of contact between Mark’s hand and Buck’s arm. This was so not the plan. He’d been intent on talking, but his brain doesn’t seem to want to cooperate. He manages to get out, “Are you and Mark dating?”

Buck looks at Eddie like he’s been possessed, “No, we’re not.”

“Good.”

“Good?” Buck asks, bewilderment coloring his features.

“Yeah, good. Have you kissed him?”

“What business is that of yours? Has this been your problem lately? You have an issue with me kissing guys? That’s fucked up, Eddie, I thought you were a better friend than that.” There’s real anger there, but Eddie knows him well enough to see the resigned sadness behind it, like maybe some part of him has been waiting for the other shoe to drop since he first came out.

“You’re right, I do have a problem with you kissing guys.”

Anger and confusion flash quickly across Buck’s face. Eddie knows he should say something to clarify, but his brain is still muddled and he can’t find the right words. So Eddie does the only thing he can do and takes two decisive steps forward, grabs Buck by the collar of his uniform shirt, and crashes their mouths together. For one terrifying second, he feels Buck freeze beneath him and he worries that Hen and Karen were completely off the mark, and Buck’s disgusted by this, but before he’s even finished the thought, Buck’s hands are in his hair, and he’s kissing him back hard, until they’re both breathless. Eddie can’t figure out where he wants to touch Buck, because it’s everywhere. His hands move from his collar, to his shoulders, down his arms until he’s pulling Buck in by his waist. He can’t think, he just knows he wants Buck as close as possible. When they’re forced to pull apart, Eddie keeps a grip on Buck’s waist in case he gets any ideas about going too far.

Buck looks, well, Eddie guesses ‘stunned’ is the right word, though ‘hot as fuck’ applies as well. Eddie wants nothing more than to pull him back in and make out until they’re forced out on a call, but he realizes he probably should explain.

“I figured out yesterday that what I have a problem with is you kissing anyone who isn’t me.”

“Oh…wait. So you’re…” Buck trails off, his eyebrows quirking adorably, the way they do when he’s trying to do math, and can’t quite figure out how to make the equation work.

Eddie takes pity on him. He’s at least had a sleepless night to come to terms with his feelings for Buck, and he hadn’t planned to spring it on him quite like this.

“Bisexual? Yeah, I guess? Honestly, I’m not all that concerned about labels right now. I’m whatever it is that means I get to be with you.”

Eddie’s suddenly hit with uncharacteristic uncertainty. Obviously Buck’s at least marginally attracted to him, if that kiss was any indication, but maybe he doesn’t want what Eddie wants. He just realized he was into men, maybe Buck wants to date around for a while, explore his options. Eddie finds he’s not interested in that even a little bit. Now that he’s opened his eyes to it, he knows Buck is it for him. He studies Buck’s face carefully for a minute, but he still looks astonished. Blissful too, but primarily astonished, like his brain stopped functioning the second Eddie’s lips touched his. Eddie has no choice but to just ask him, which after all, had been the original plan.

“Is that what you want? To be with me or—”

“Yes!” Buck practically shouts before Eddie can finish his sentence.

“—do you want to you know, explore your options.”

“No, no, no.” Eddie can’t contain his giddiness and he pulls Buck in for another kiss. Before he can deepen it Buck pulls away and asks worriedly, “Unless you do? Want to date other people.”

Eddie can’t help but laugh, even though he can see that Buck is a little unsure. “I think I’ve shown that I don’t do well with the idea of you kissing anyone else. So yeah, if we’re gonna do this, I want it to just be us.”

Buck smiles wide before he leans in to kiss Eddie, slow and deep. He breaks off to press their foreheads together and repeats reverently, “Just us.”

And then he’s kissing Eddie again, hands at his waist, pushing forward until Eddie’s back hits a locker. Distantly, he thinks maybe this should be weird for him, it is after all the first time he’s kissed a man, but it’s Buck and it’s perfect. Like everything has finally slid into the place it was meant to be all along. Then he’s lost in the feel of Buck’s lips and hands, and the press of his body against Eddie’s, and every other thought vanishes. Buck presses hot open mouth kisses to his neck, and Eddie makes a low noise in the back of his throat, tipping his head to the side to give Buck better access. Eddie pulls at Buck’s shirt, unthinking in his quest to feel Buck’s skin under his hands. His progress is impeded when he jostles Buck’s radio in an effort to untuck his uniform shirt, and the beep startles them into jumping apart.

“Oh god, we’re at work,” Eddie groans, dropping his head to Buck’s shoulder. Apparently his brain has jump-started and he thanks whatever god is up there that no one had come into the locker room and gotten an eyeful while the two of them were oblivious to the world wrapped up in each other. Though now that he remembers the scene he made dragging Buck in here, he’s pretty sure everyone in the 118 knows what’s been going on.

“We probably shouldn’t do this here, right?” Buck asks, but the heat in his eyes says that Eddie could easily convince him otherwise.

Eddie sighs resignedly, “This is probably not the time or place. But come over tonight?”

Buck smiles at him, eyes full of promise, and agrees, “Yeah, okay. Tonight.” He pushes the door open, gesturing for Eddie to move through first before following him out.

Eddie realizes that Buck’s uniform is disheveled and his hair probably looks like hell at the exact second they step into the kitchen to find the entire 118 squad staring at them expectantly.

Hen breaks the silence, “So this is happening, then?”

Eddie looks at Buck, who’s looking back with a half-smile and a shrug, and Eddie thinks fuck it, and reaches out his hand to lace his fingers together with Buck’s.

All of the sudden there’s a cacophony of noise and movement. Someone, he can’t tell who yells, “finally” while others cheer approvingly. Chimney has his phone out snapping a picture to text to Maddie, while Cap appears to be collecting money from everyone.

Buck looks a little dazed by all the commotion. Eddie just laughs and slings an arm around Buck’s waist, enjoying the way Buck leans into him. “I think Cap won the bet.”

“A bet? About us? They need to learn to mind their own business,” Buck grumbles looking vaguely put out by the idea. Honestly, Eddie couldn’t care less. He’ll happily take as much goodhearted ribbing from the team as they want to dole out, if it means he gets this with Buck. He feels something vibrate in Buck’s pocket. Buck pulls out his phone and groans when he sees the screen. “Speaking of people who need to mind their own business…” Eddie glances down at the phone and sees Maddie has sent a string of texts that appear to consist mostly of exclamation marks and emojis.

“Eh, they’re just excited. Happy for us. You know, probably the only person who will be more excited than your sister and this lot, is Christopher.”

A grin splits Buck’s face, all traces of annoyance replaced by the softness Eddie’s seen in his eyes every time Buck looks at Christopher. “Yeah?” Buck asks hopefully. And god, how did Eddie get so lucky to find someone who's not only hot as hell, but also loves his son with the same ferocity Eddie does.

“Yeah,” Eddie repeats. And because he can’t not when Buck’s looking at him like that, he leans in to kiss him softly. As they break apart, catcalls ring out from the rest of the squad. Eddie gives them the finger and kisses Buck again.

#buddie fic #buddie #911fox #911fox fic #i just want to write all the fluff for them #not rnm

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creek-cryptid-deluxe · 4 years

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This needs to be addressed:

I'm on reddit regularly. Today I saw something as I was scrolling that deeply disturbed me & I feel needs to be addressed.

For those not familiar with reddit's format, let me explain. The website is basically a host to multiple forum style 'subreddits' that are based around various interests where you can post photos, videos, gifs, links to websites, links to articles, or just good old fashioned text.

Some subreddits are very broad (r/aww is pictures, videos, & gifs that are adorable & make you say "awww") & some are extremely niche (r/picturesofiansleeping was created by a dude where he just posted random pictures of his roommate, Ian, sleeping because the dude could fall asleep anywhere). Each subreddit is it's own community with its own culture & rules, while also being a part of the reddit community as a whole & abiding by its overall culture & rules.

Below is a screenshot (with the username redacted) from a post in the Ehlers-Danlos subreddit, which I scroll through from time to time just to see what's there, but not regularly because the overarching culture there is not one I want to be a part of (& what I'm about to show you here is a perfect example of why).

So a photo of Joaquin Phoenix filming a scene for the movie Joker is making the rounds with the caption above it, stating that he dislocated his knee filming that scene (not written is that he continued to film after the dislocation) & demanding he be given the golden globe. Given the quality of that performance, even prior to knowing about his knee, I agree that he should have a golden globe for it.

What I take issue with is the fact that that was posted to r/ehlersdanlos with the title "My knee dislocates 5-20 times a day. Where's my reward?"

So let's chat about why this is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable, despite the fact that I see similar sentiments throughout the chronic illness communities.

First of all, this person is 100% exaggerating. I'm not one to doubt anyone's claims regarding their health but as someone who has had knee dislocations since I was quite small, it's not feasible. Subluxed knee 5-20 times a day? Eh, still not really believable. 5-10 subluxations? Sure, maybe. But no way is this person having 5-20 full knee dislocations in a 24 hr period.

Exaggerating like this actually really hurts credibility & not just for them as an individual. I'd be will to bet that if they are stretching the truth that casually in an inconsequential post online, that they do it in real life to medical staff as well. If the medical professionals that we all rely on for care hear enough exaggerations from specific demographic groups (say... women under 25 with an EDS diagnosis), then eventually when they see a patient that fits that criteria, there will be an unconscious bias & assumption of exaggeration. Then it hurts the chronically ill community as a whole.

Second, this person is minimizing & invalidating Mr. Phoenix's (i spelled his first name once & was quote proud, but it is not happening again) injury simply because... why? Because he is able bodied? Because the poster is chronically ill? Those things don't cancel each other out. This is the bit I see FAR too often.

There is this weird line of thinking that is prevalent in the chronic illness community where some chronically ill people think that because other people aren't chronically ill, any illness, pain, or injury they go through isn't as valid as their's is. Lemme just hop up on my soapbox here to say...

📢 THAT LINE OF THINKING IS FUCKING BULLSHIT📢

I've seen it first hand via my aunt. She is diagnosed with fibromyalgia. She has all the hallmarks of EDS, but despite me getting diagnosed & telling her she needs testing, she is weirdly attached to her current diagnosis. Any time my cousin (who is 3 yrs younger than me) is sick or hurting, my aunt says something about how much worse she feels. Cousin says she has a headache? Aunt: "Now you know what I deal with 24/7." Cousin has a stomach virus & can't stop puking? Aunt: "That's literally my life 4 out of 7 days of the week."

When The Spawn was in middle school, right after I had started to trend downward health wise, I noticed her wincing & holding her head a lot. I asked what was up & she said she had a headache & it had been hanging around for 3 days now. I asked why she didn't tell me sooner so I could help & she told me that she knew it was minor compared to what I deal with, so she didn't feel right bringing it up.

I immediately sat her down & had a long talk explaining that just because I am dealing with the dumpster fire I was given does not at any time mean that whatever she is going through isn't every bit as important, painful, or difficult for her & that at no time do i want her to have to handle it alone. I made sure she knew that no matter what was going on with me, I am here for her because what she is going through is important & valid. I've only had to have that talk 2 more times with her.

I've had to have a version of this talk with a few friends & my dad, as well. I'll see my dad wince or hear him do what I call "The Dad Huff" & I'll ask what's up. Dad: "I know I shouldn't complain to you because it's nothing compared to what you deal with but..." BRO i am EXACTLY who you should complain to. I know tricks that could help with a myriad of physical ailments PLUS i have a whole ass Walgreens in my bathroom.

My point is that as a whole, chronically ill people need to stop invalidating healthy, able bodied people's illnesses or injuries. PERIOD. It's not a fucking suffering competition. What? You think if you keep invalidating healthy people & boasting about how much more sick or more injured you are that at some point a guy is going to leap out of the bushes & hand you a gold medal & a giant check for suffering the most?

No.

Also, you'd think if someone was suffering that much, in that much pain, was that ill, that they wouldn't want anyone else to feel even close to the way they do & would be happy to help or be genuinely distressed/concerned for the other person's wellbeing.

So fuck off because people who do this shit just sound like they lack empathy, compassion, and other generally human qualities which implies they have no fucking soul.

Just be supportive of one another, able bodied, disabled, chronically ill, chronically healthy, or whatever. Just be kind to people. Fuck.

#vascular ehlers danlos syndrome #ehlers danlos syndrome #disabilties #disabled #disability #chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic pain #wtf is wrong with the world #wtf is wrong with people

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phantasieandmirare · 3 years

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Talking about my demiromanticism

I just have to write and get these thoughts down because if I don’t I’ll never be able to summarize these feelings ever again, I don’t expect anyone to read this but if I make it private or hide it in drafts or anything I’ll never see it again and this is important to me.

The thing about my demiromanticism and romantic relationships is that any desire I have to have one is largely based in cultural amatonormativity and the fact that I feel like I’m being judged or pitied for not having a romantic relationship, especially as I get older and I can feel the people around me starting to wonder when it will happen and I can see people I knew in school getting married and having kids (for some at the tender young age of nineteen). I made the mistake on going on Facebook yesterday and the very first thing that popped up was my best friend from elementary having a photoshoot with her boyfriend. And at first I mistook my emotions at seeing that for jealousy, but that’s not what it was: my anger and sadness and the mini-breakdown I had was based in the fear of being judged for not having what she has, and jealousy at not having that kind of connection with someone that she has. Because the second I saw those photos the first thing that popped into my head was the fear that she would come down one day and see me and we’d get to talking and the conversation would turn to the topic of partners and I’d go ‘Oh yeah I’m still single’ and she would say ‘Oh I’m sorry’ or ‘Well you better get on that!’. I wasn’t angry or jealous of her boyfriend, I was afraid of being judged.

I just don’t want to be judged for not being in a romantic relationship or being ‘picky’ or ‘stubborn’ or not having the proclivities for it in the first place. Because that’s all I see and hear: people who aren’t in relationships are sad or need to be pushed or need friends to set them up on a blind date and women over thirty who aren’t married are spinsters and cat ladies and are people to be pitied and I just...that’s my problem. Because it’s all about the amatonormativity of our culture and the focus on romantic relationships. Everyone’s always asking about someone special or when you’re going to get married or that you should download this dating app or go on this blind date and it just drives me crazy because it feels like I’m being pushed on all sides into something that to me doesn’t feel real and would not feel real in the moment. Because if I tried a dating app or went on a blind date I would almost certainly have to fake any romantic interest or make it clear from the get go that hey, this needs to take time and we need to get to know each other and for the love of God can we just please be friends to start and if you tell me you love me in a week or want to move in together in a month or try to pop the question before I even know what your favorite color is then I’m done and that’s not something that I think someone on a dating app would want to hear, that you just want to be friends. It’s when society tells me what they think I need that I start to feel angry and sad and afraid. Not want. Not need. It’s the fear of being judged and pressured.

Now don’t get me wrong, I would love a romantic relationship. I love reading and watching and writing romance. I love video games where I can romance characters. But the thing about the stories is that they are based hugely in time and in building that relationship (and this is largely excluding Hallmark or Disney-esque stories where characters meet and fall in love and get married in three days because no). Stories where the characters know each other, hang out, go on adventures together, and maybe eventually fall in love are my favorite because that’s what I feel. A trilogy where the characters know each other for a few years and then kiss at the very end makes way more sense than characters who meet on page 50 and are using the L-word on page 150. Those are far more real to me than love at first sight stories. They’re built on time and friendship rather than the starting goal of ‘This is a person I’m going to marry’. If I experience romance then that’s the kind of slow burn stuff I want. The time is what makes it real, not throwing around the L-word after a week.

And I’m certainly capable of romance. The only time I’ve been in love was with my best friend who I will have known for ten years in September. I realized I was in love with her four years in after 100% daily communication. So I know that it’s possible and that I can have real, genuine romantic feelings for other people, which is why I identify as demiromantic and not fully aromantic. But when someone comes in and tries to push, when a guy I went to school with texted me and was saying stuff like ‘Oh I just want someone to cuddle with’ or ‘I miss you :(’ or stuff like that when we hadn’t talked in years and I barely knew the guy, I panic. I shut down. I feel nothing. This isn’t real. We don’t know each other. Why are you trying to get all up in my business when we know nothing about each other? So that’s why I’m demiromantic instead of aromantic. Because it can happen, but I need time and a connection before I feel anything. I’d like a romantic relationship, but I want it to happen in it’s own time and on my terms and not just because some woman from my church or an old friend from elementary tsks at me because it’s so sad that I’m not in a relationship or it’s weird that I’ve never been kissed and I’m not married. I don’t care about that. I don’t need that. I can live my entire life without that. And if by chance I do get to have that, then I want it to be on my terms, and the person has to be the right person because my Mama told me to keep my standards where they are and to not lower them and I’ll be damned if I let someone slip through just cause Hallmark wants me to know that my life isn’t fulfilled without a special someone when I’m perfectly happy as I am.

I suppose that what I really want out of life is just a connection. I don’t care if it’s romantic. I just want to connect with someone on a deep level, deep enough that we’re comfortable with each other. Maybe I meet a roommate or multiple roommates and we all hit it off and eventually buy a house and move in together and just live our lives and maybe that develops into something more but it doesn’t have to because it’s about the connection, not about romance. I’m aware that I’m describing a QPR which is a concept that used to confuse me but now I get it, and it sounds incredible. Like that one Reddit post about the gay man and his lesbian roommate getting married because they love each other and can’t imagine spending their lives without each other and they consider each other to be their soulmate even though they’re not romantically or sexually compatible but it’s not romantic or sexual in the slightest. Or those three friends from high school who got houses right next to each other and knocked down the fences in their adjoining backyards so they’d all be connected. Just having a connection with someone that transcends friendship. Again, it would be nice, so nice to have a romantic relationship, but I don’t need it. I just want to connect with someone who I can see, and touch, and talk to, and spend time with, and get to know, and maybe it becomes romance or maybe it never does, it’s just the fact that I want someone who I can just be with and to live my life with those connections, and I don’t want anyone to judge me for not being in a romantic relationship when I’m fulfilled as I am. That’s all I want. A judgement-free connection that’s free to become whatever it wants to be, whether it’s romantic or familial or entirely platonic, that’s all I want. That’s all I want.

So yeah. I don’t know if a single word of that makes sense. But that’s why realizing that I’m on the aromantic spectrum and more specifically that I’m demiromantic is so hugely important to me. To know that there’s a reason that I feel this way and that it’s real and not me being picky or stubborn. And to realize that my feelings about other people in relationships isn’t jealousy or want but just the frustration with amatonormativity and people being nosy about it and just wanting a connection. Being aro/demiro is so important to me because it tells me that it’s fucking okay, that I’m okay, that what I feel is real and valid, that I don’t need this to be whole, that I’m not alone and that everything is going to be okay, and seeing green and gray and white and a black triangle means the world to me because it’s like coming home. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.

#be quiet sarah #demiromantic #demiromanticism #aromantic #aromanticism #ok goodnight #personal

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lblwlw · 4 years

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Hello!

First post here, but I have a long history with tumblr. Tumblr has always sort of been a place for me to escape because few of my friends ever had my URL/followed me. This time it’s a little more important.

CW: Brief mentions of sexual occurrences with men, brief talk of depression, nothing too serious or graphic

TLDR; I’ve suppressed my gayness on accident for basically my whole life, identified as bi, married a man, realized I’m gay, am now figuring out my life.

Warning, this is a LONG post.

I have always been been fascinated with sexuality, more specifically same sex relationships. I was always interested in the idea of being in a same sex relationship but told myself, “no, that’s not me”. Eventually in middle school I played with the idea of being bisexual when I learned what that meant. I said, perfect. I can tell my internet friends I like girls, too, but I won’t have to tell anyone else and I can just worry about boys then at school and for my parents. I had a few crushes on boys, but the thought of actually dating them terrified me and so I very rarely did more than think about them a lot and just tell my friends that I was “too ugly” or whatever else, or “too awkward.” What they didn’t know was that through MySpace I met a girl and had a huge crush on her. We talked a lot and we said we were dating. I never really told anyone. That eventually fizzled out.

Over time I got bullied a couple times because classmates found my MySpace and found that I identified as bi. I quickly learned it was something I didn’t want to talk about. I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression throughout all of school. In high school I steadily crushed on one boy almost all four years, but looking back I think I really just enjoyed and wanted to be his friend. Or I just kind of picked him as the one I liked the most so I had a crush to be a normal girl. I dated two boys the entirety of high school, the first one I broke up with because once he finally asked me out (after I “liked him”) and we did relationship things, like kissing, I was not all about it. It didn’t feel right. I thought, maybe I just didn’t like him. Next boyfriend, I wasn’t entirely objected to kissing him but it wasn’t my favorite. It got more frustrating when he wanted to do more. I wasn’t so opposed to him touching me, but when it came to touching him I was like “this ain’t it”. I stayed with him anyway, hoping I would “get over it” until he broke up with me. I wonder now if he could tell I wasn’t into it.

There was actually a time in which I thought, maybe I should date girls? One of my friends was dating a girl, and I thought that was wonderful. I went to her to tell her that I had been thinking maybe I’d rather date girls. I totally blocked this conversation out of my head until recently.

Once I was done with high school I was discouraged but tried to date a few different guys. None of them went that fantastically. If I met them online, I usually came up with a reason we couldn’t meet. “Maybe this just won’t work” It was fun to talk and flirt but when it came down to bringing it into real life I’d panic because that meant kissing a guy again, and possibly having sex. It made me totally uncomfortable. Finally I said, “I wish I was just into girls, ugh.” Remembered that I was, and that I should try it finally. I matched with this sweet girl that was about a year younger than me. She seemed so put together and so kind. We went on a few dates, getting ramen, fancy cupcakes, riding on a trolly in the city, etc. I remember when I got to kiss her in public and I was SO pumped to be seen doing that! Another time, I believe I drove her home but we parked away from her house and made out in my car. I still remember so much of it vividly.

Eventually I realized that if I was seriously dating her, she would want it to be known. I’d have to face my fears and tell my family. For some reason, this absolutely terrified me. It shouldn’t have but it did. I thought through my options, and decided I should just find a nice guy that will love me and spend my life with me so I don’t have to do this anymore. I did the unspeakable act of basically just ghosting her and pursued a guy from work who, realistically, kind of freaked me out. Thanks to good old compulsive heterosexuality, I read this as my attraction to him. Thankfully, he was pretty easily attracted to me. I recall early in the relationship wishing I hadn’t done that awful thing to that girl, and that I wish I was still dating a girl. Nothing was technically wrong with my relationship that I had now, but something felt off. Like I was missing something. I tucked that away somewhere in my head and enjoyed building an amazing friendship with this man. I did love him, and I still do. He’s kind, he’s sensitive, we have a lot of shared interests and he’s taught me so much intentionally and unintentionally.

We got married last year and while I felt grateful I had this amazing person beside me, I remember a part of me wondering if this was right for me. I had this weird little empty pocket somewhere in my heart. That I had given up my young adulthood maybe, and that I could have experienced being with... a woman, for real. I thought, I wish I could have met my husband later in life, maybe. Maybe then I’d have gotten my desires for women out of the way and then been with him forever. Because I do love him, he’s a good person and deserves to be loved. I enjoyed the wedding as a big party that I got to have with my family, but I just remember wondering where that extreme excitement was that everyone always described. Was I broken?

Now over a year later, I was sitting at home one day feeling lost and depressed. I had been on TikTok and saw all these young people having fun and I wished that I had spent more time trying to have fun in the past, before I got married. I thought, I could do it now, but what if something happened and I somehow I fell for one of these girls while being with my husband? Wait... why would I even think that? I started to really analyze this thought. I thought, if I was bi like I had always identified, why could I not be happy with my husband? Well, I was, but something was missing. This thought popped into my head: Oh no. What if I am gay?

What?! Why would I think that? That’s crazy. I would have known as a kid like everyone says. Right? That’s how that works. I chalked this up to feeling like I was missing out and tried to stop thinking about it. It was hard not to, though. And so I googled one morning while out listening to the birds, after escaping bed before my husband rose to avoid his intimacy: “lesbian married to a man”

This article came up about a woman who had been married to a man for many years and they had kids. She started to question herself, and her attraction to him. I don’t remember all of it but I remember getting really uncomfortable but also having this weird sense of calm. That finally, I felt like I identified with something. I wasn’t really sure though. I sent a message to the lady who wrote the article. She replied a week later telling me that she had a podcast called Lesbian Chronicles. I said, okay, I need to listen to this. I listened to about two episodes or so when they mentioned this thing called “The Master Doc” and the reddit sub called Late Bloomer Lesbians. I was like “Holy crap, a community??”

I logged onto reddit for the first time ever. I saw all these women posting in similar situations to me. I found “The Master Doc” and “Straight women don’t say...”

It was like a light bulb went off. Oh my god, everything makes sense! Maybe I’m NOT broken! I remembered all the women that I had crushes on. All the times I thought about women but told myself I was just “weird” and tried not to think about it. I always thought, no I can’t be gay because I wasn’t sure of it as a kid. Now I realized that women especially are fed a straight narrative. It’s “normal” to not be attracted to men the way they are to you. It’s normal to not totally enjoy sex with men... When I learned that we’ve been told this, and it isn’t really true... I wanted to cry. Now I was in the biggest “pickle” ever. I have this man who loves me, who I said vows to swearing I loved him the same forever. Did I just accept who I was and what I did and live with it? Did I break up with him? That seemed to harsh. I heard a lot of women in the same position say they spoke to a therapist. I immediately googled therapists in my area that specialized in LGBTQ+ issues, sent an email ASAP, and felt a little bit of relief. I knew this was real because after years of playing with the idea of seeing a therapist, this came so naturally when I needed help with this.

Now I am here. I feel very confident that I am gay, and my dad knows now. I tried to bring it up with my husband but it didn’t go very well. He currently thinks that maybe I’m just a sad bisexual who hasn’t been able to express her bi-ness. I am at a point a conversation needs to happen again. I told myself when my lesbian flag and pin came in the mail, I would talk to him again. It’s being delivered today. I am terrified, to say the least. It feels so wrong to “betray” this man who has dedicated to much time and work to giving us as good a life as he can. But I need to live my truth. It will come. I’m low-key excited for it. I hope maybe this helps someone going through the same thing.

-Anonymous Married Lesbian

#lesbian #married to a man #wlw #late blooming lesbian #late bloomer #gay #pride

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