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themoonandhersun · 4 years

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i’m thinking

about

zuko living, poor, in the fire nation colonies, being raised by herbalist healer ursa and her family, never knowing he’s royalty—until ursa dies while giving birth to azula, and ozai comes to his home after he’s firelord, because he needs heirs if he’s gonna be the firelord and zuko is his son. zuko refuses to leave without azula and ozai agrees because he doesn’t care that much as long as zuko comes. (also he forbids zuko from talking to ursa’s family, because he would. he’s an asshole like that.)

he’s ten when ursa dies from childbirth, and he’s twelve when he’s banished for being compassionate like he taught to be by ursa. he takes azula with him and ozai doesn’t protest (azula is two when zuko is banished, so ozai doesn’t even know that she’s a firebender). ozai thinks he can just get another heir just like that, so he doesn’t really care (because he’s a bastard and i hate him) but the fire sages urge him to act differently (he doesn’t).

(ozai only got zuko because the fire sages were pressuring him to get married and have a heir. he got annoyed and was like, “you want a heir? i’ll go get him.” basically he did it because he wanted to get the fire sages off his back. he didn’t genuinely want zuko or azula.)

when zuko’s uncle iroh joins him and azula, zuko isn’t sure what to say. he doesn’t know uncle iroh that well in this au, and he thinks that maybe—maybe uncle iroh is like ozai. but then uncle iroh talks about tea very passionately... and zuko is like: okay, yeah—he isn’t like ozai at all.

in this au—zuko doesn’t care about his father or what he thinks as much. because he only spent, what? two years with him, max. besides—he has azula to think of. (but the fact that ozai burned him will stick with him, like it does in canon.) he wants to be a good big brother to her. sure, uncle iroh helps him with azula a lot, but zuko is the main caretaker because he wants to be. at twelve, he is all two year old azula knows, and he wants to stay with her. he plans to tell azula all about ursa and the things she taught him.

since he was raised in the colonies and was poor, ursa’s family could not afford to get zuko a firebending master. but when he got to the palace, he struggled with the anger and aggression that firebending supposedly required. this obviously made ozai very upset and it would make zuko feel bad—because he’s a kid and he always thought that, if he ever had a dad, that he would be nice. ozai is not nice.

uncle iroh is patient, though. he teaches zuko the right way to firebend—fire is life—and while zuko still struggled with it, knowing that fire is life helps him a lot. over the years, he progresses well, and is a pretty good, versatile firebender because iroh taught him to draw wisdom from different places. zuko still gets taught how to be a sword fighter from piando, because he thinks it’s cool... and he’s naturally good at being stealthy and is graceful with his feet, so he definitely likes it a lot (yes, he’s still the blue spirit in this au).

(yes, iroh teaches him the truth about the fire nation in this au. the education in the colonies was full of propaganda, but wasn’t that good.)

azula is a firebender too, obviously, and also learns that fire is life. she is a natural at firebending, and has a happy life with zuko and iroh on the ship. she gets along with the ship’s crew pretty well and is smart and quick witted like she is in canon.

i can imagine that the three of them will often take trips together (iroh insists that it’s good to experience the world, and the fire siblings are always up for an adventure). they’re at the fortune teller’s village (aunt wu is a part of the white lotus, i just know it) the same time the gaang is. they’re all dressed in earth kindgom clothes because it’s just what they prefer. well iroh prefers fire nation clothes but he can’t really wear it on earth kingdom grounds. he warns the fire nation siblings to never firebend in the earth kingdom. they listen because zuko had to save iroh like getting his hands crushed like in canon.

azula runs off the first chance she gets, and who does she bump into?

yep—katara.

zuko is sixteen and is frantic and worrying, and iroh went off to see the fortune teller, so he’s searching for azula alone. he hears azula yell, “there’s my brother! come meet him, katara!” and he turns around, seeing azula lead a girl around his age to him. and he sees katara and immediately apologizes about azula.

azula gets a gentle, yet stern scolding from zuko and katara is thinking: “oh, so he’s cute, earth kingdom, tall, and cares about his family a lot? interesting...but is he a bender?” she just got her fortune told, by the way.

then, later on, the volcano starts to erupt and zuko knows he has to help, even if it means exposing his firebending in an earth kingdom village. he makes azula stay with iroh while the villagers evacuates, and joins katara, aang, and sokka on appa. he uses heat redirection (like sozin did with that one volcano, but we don’t talk about sozin because he’s the worst person ever).

(also aang still makes that airbending move he did in the show.)

katara definitely thinks about sokka calling both zuko and aang powerful benders.

buuuuttt... katara would be salty with zuko after he reveals himself to be a firebender with his heat redirection. “you told me you were an earthbender!” she would huff while they all fly down back to the village on appa.

(i highly doubt any of the villagers would have seen zuko use heat redirection. they were all too far away—so that’s why they don’t want zuko’s hands to be crushed.)

...then, when they land, zuko points out that she asked if he was a bender, he never said what kind, and that she just assumed he was an earth bender.

she gets more salty with him even though he’s right. sokka is cackling and is like, “yeah, i’m sure we will get along just fine, zucchini.”

katara corrects him before zuko does. “his name is zuko—and he won’t be traveling with us. he has a sister to take care of.”

“and an uncle,” zuko adds. then he realizes he has no idea where they are—he can’t see them in the village—so he frowns and says he has to go find his family.

katara, sokka, and aang all say goodbye to him and they part ways.

and they all meet again. a lot.

because of course they do.

(katara gets captured by the pirates because she still decides to steal the waterbending scroll, and zuko and his uncle come to help her. iroh says a weird proverb about destiny, and zuko just smiles at her warmly, and says, “don’t worry—we’ll save you from the pirates, katara.” aang and sokka come and fight the pirates, too. azula is cheering for them in the background, and is eating fireflakes while everyone fight the pirates.)

plus katara and zuko always use the ‘funny seeing you here’ joke with each other, and laugh at it each time they cross each other’s paths. everyone else is tired of them, even lil azula is like, “please shut up zuzu.” while iroh? iroh ships zutara. you know he would.

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meimi-haneoka · 4 years

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Clear Card chapter 39 - review

AT LONG LAST!

Real life really takes the will to do lengthy things away from me, even if it’s for fun.

But I love Cardcaptor Sakura so much, so I take this almost as a “duty” to pay respect to this wonderful series. I love when things are done properly and not left “hanging”, so here we go, even if a bit delayed compared to usual: (long)THOUGHTS ON CHAPTER 39 under the cut!!

I’d like to start with a small consideration before going with plot-centric rants: I have noticed the post with this chapter obtained a lot less notes than usual, but it’s a trend that has been going on for a while. I’m not really sure what could be the cause, it can range from Tumblr shadowbanning posts from the tag search if they include a link (so the posts are not visible that much anymore, despite my efforts to make a second text post), to people preferring other sources to get their chapters (and that’s fine), to the fandom moving altogether to other sites and communities, or....to the fandom’s interest slowly fading away. Since it seems we’re almost going towards the climax, I’m not sure how to react to the latter option. I think this is supposed to be the moment in which the fandom’s interest is the more active, but I could be wrong. Anyway, if that’s the case, then I guess it’s really time for CLAMP to wrap it up.

Without further ado, let’s analyze this chapter!

The color page was L O V E L Y. Oh my gosh Sakura-chan, look how grown up you appear here. More beautiful than ever. She’s even re-using a sweater from another color illustration, lol. It’s perfectly fitting with the autumn season and I loved it!

Let’s bother her a little more

Starting off from where we left in ch. 38, Sakura is blown away and Syaoran tries to have The Shadow look for her once again, but....”fooled once, not fooled twice” thinks Kaito, isn’t it? Kaito wants Sakura to do stuff on her own, so he literally “throws” her into a dark tree hole, where her shadow can’t be traced, because well....there’s none. He isn’t looking particularly amused while he does this, well, what I mean is that it’s not like he’s having sadistic fun, causing her troubles. His face is kinda apologetic when he's all “here comes the knight but thanks, no thanks”, as if he understands that Syaoran wants to save her, but he cannot really do otherwise. Sakura needs to do this alone, in order to produce a fitting card. Would you care to tell us readers what this damned card is, Kaito?

The first conversation

Kaito is in the mood for some memories. Memories of the first time he spoke with Akiho. I found it interesting that he used the verb “having a conversation with” rather than “meeting”, and the reason is also pretty easy to guess: for him, it wasn’t the first time. He saw her (although from afar) when he analyzed her through that ball, to determine whether she had magical powers or not. And their first conversation didn’t start in the best of ways: Akiho’s first reaction is to run away. But what can you expect from a little girl who was used to be considered a bother and only basing on her magical capabilities, and not as a human being. So when Kaito asks her if he bothered her, her confusion is plain visible on her face: Is he talking to me? Me, who is usually the bothering one here?

And so she’s surprised big time when he actually shows to be interested to know which book she was reading. NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE ever did that for her. Remember what environment she grew up in. He is the first and only one wanting to even have a conversation with her (her family only made “questions”). By the way, thanks to Impatient Scans, we actually aknowledge Akiho here might be reading “Momo”, by German writer Michael Ende. That opens a whole new box of questions, starting from “IS THIS where Momo takes her name from? Who gave it to her? What is her real name? Could the story actually be giving plot hints?”

All in all, let me just say I loved this flashback. I always love when there’s a Kaito or Akiho flashback, because I’m so hungry for their background story. I know the story has to sacrifice a bit of the other characters in order to show more of them, because 30 pages are just 30 pages, after all. But it’s ok, that’s also the reason why I’m glad I warmed up to both of these 2, because every month I have more things to look forward to, and I generally am never disappointed with a chapter’s content.

There’s no turning back

As if on cue, Momo starts an inner monologue on Kaito and Akiho, and how much he changed for her.

He really didn’t care about anything, before. He couldn’t be bothered to do anything. He was a very apathetic boy, some fans have theorized he could be on the brink of depression himself without even realizing it (again, consider what a shitty environment he grew up in, a den of delinquents).

And yet.

Among all those criminals, he raised his hand. His voice loud and clear, “I’ll go”. He, the boy who found everything a bother, decided something for himself for the first time ever, and to assist someone else, no less. Momo wonders, to herself, what changed inside of you? Cause something must have changed.

This was another part I really really loved. All the memories of their travels together. You can see the different countries they’ve been to, and their body language, that implies there was still some kind of “distance” between them. Akiho seems still kinda “wary” of Kaito in these shots (and with a reason, who would trust anyone if they were raised up like she did?). But we can see them being more relaxed and at ease the more they spend time together, and it’s on this time spent together that Momo puts the focus on. It’s where Kaito should ideally start to find the answer to the big, complex question.

What made you do this?

Momo muses over how Kaito learned to do all sorts of things in order to please Akiho and to make her live in a healthy environment (remember Akiho saying that Kaito makes by hand all her meals?), finally not neglected but at the center of someone’s attentions. She makes a random example on the tea. Why someone who didn’t give sh*t about how tea tasted, went all the way down to learn how to make it in a delicious way? I love how CLAMP cleverly used the word 術 with the furigana “sube”, which means “how to do something”, but with the same kanji and the reading “jutsu” it also means “spell”. This probably to imply that some magic might have been included in this learning process, err. XD

I also loved how Momo thinks that Kaito needs to look at the truth straight in the eyes, without turning away. Could he be scared to admit the truth? Loving someone (and hear me again, love of any kind, not romantic love exclusively) comes with a little fear. For someone who never experienced it, all the more. It’s a totalizing feeling that might destabilize you. If he doesn’t wake up to this, it’s gonna be too late. That’s literally what Momo says.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SHOCKER OF THIS MONTH! Momo and Akiho’s mom knew eachother, and Momo even received her ring and the task to look over her daughter, and Sakura as well. “My Alice, and that girl’s Alice”. I mean, I knew Akiho’s mom was going to be important, but dammit she really looks like she’s been the one moving some plot threads since long time!!! I love this.

The nightmare

And here comes the part where I start screaming “WHAT THE F*CK IS HAPPENING HERE”. Sakura finds herself in a strange land with big flowers (she’s still tiny, let’s remember that), flowers that can actually speak. At her surprised face, the flowers reply “You wished for this, didn’t you?”.

EH?

And then we get to this creepy scene of Akiho appearing out of nowhere, with her experiment outfit, calling Sakura in a dead tone. I was seriously freaking out at the panel composition. Made entirely to evoke creepiness. Apparently, we’re in Alice’s story. Yes. BUT WHICH ALICE?

The strange reality turns into a nightmare. Literally.

Everything turns dark, Sakura is having another one of her dreams. The “shaaan” and the clocks are a sign of it. MCF appears behind Akiho, who this time is in the same position she was when she was turned into a magical artifact by her clan. Sakura’s face twists in horror even before MCF opens his robe, because she knows who’s under it. The last time she saw MCF in a dream was also the last time she saw who was under it. Her heart and mind scarred irreparably forever. And there he is. Syaoran, dead in his eyes. Sakura’s shrieks “NO!!” in horror, she completely refuses to believe this is a real thing. Now, I don’t really know what’s happening here, because after this, everything breaks and she captures GUESS WHAT, the “Break” card. So it’s hard to determine if it was a real dream or only an illusion. Maybe Kaito made her go into her subconscious to find bits and pieces of what she experienced before, in order to shake her enough to produce the right card. Because, if all of this is coming from her, then it means a part of her brain does remember despite the time rewindings of Kaito. And it’s very important. She saw Akiho’s past when she was trapped inside Akiho’s book, but all of that was erased when Kaito rewound time. Well, not from her heart, however, because she hugged Akiho tightly while crying. So now what do we have here? A part of what she’s not supposed to remember. I think this vision is a twisted mix of horrifying things she saw previously, and indeed her natural reaction is to destroy in pieces what she’s seeing. Quite literally, since the two kanji for “Break” actually mean “Destruction”. Is this the card Kaito was looking for? I’m not sure. Because he said that “Rewind” went quite close to it, and I can’t make out any relation between “Break” and “Rewind”. I still have the impression the card he might want her to make has got more to do with “restoring” things to how they were before. So, if it’s instead Kaito the one who made her see those things, he might have wanted her to wish to bring everything as it was before. HE needed a strong reaction from her. But she made “Break” instead. Will it be ok for him so we can move on to the climax?

I have to admit I kinda loved the more creepy and nightmare-ish atmosphere of the last 10 pages. Sakura evidently has got something big going on, and it’s time she talks to Syaoran about this. It’s time she tells him fair and square what’s she’s seeing more and more often. It’s about him too, at this point. She can’t keep this a secret anymore, not when it’s eating her sanity and peace of mind away.

Next chapter is going to be published in the February issue, in stores on the last days of December if everything goes as usual (for New Year’s they always anticipate the release of that issue). So we have another unexpected break as I already said, and I kinda figured it when I saw CLAMP going on a trip 20 days ago. It’s ok, we can do this! If we’re approaching the climax, it make sense that they take vacation now, so afterwards they can work fully straight into the finale.

Thanks for reading this long rant, and I wait for your comments!

#Card Captor Sakura #cardcaptor sakura #CLAMP #ccs spoilers #ccsakura #clear card arc #clear card manga #chapter 39

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wanderlust-in-my-soul · 5 years

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Festival of Love AU Part 1

Chapter 1 - Thursday morning

Lucas was desperate. It would be a long weekend and it was hot outside. He didn’t want to pack too much. The bag should be as light as possible, at least they had to get everything by walking to their campsite.

He stood in front of his open wardrobe and stared at his clothes for almost 15 minutes. Why did he have so many clothes? He had already put his trousers out. Three shorts that he had already changed once. It was hard. He knew he wouldn’t come to shower much, but also that his clothes were probably dirty by the end of the weekend, depending on how much they escalated.

Arthur had come up with the idea that they could all go to a festival together. The guys had been thrilled and through Basile the girls had also heard about the plan and were immediately thrilled. And now they went with almost twenty people to a music festival. They were already shopping. Many many beer cans had landed in the car, two pavilions were bought, tents, canned food and actually hardly anything healthy. Let’s see what the girls would bring. The smoker’s heart was also taken care of. And everything else they could buy on the spot in a small shop in the area.

But what the hell was Lucas supposed to take with him in clothes? Was it really important to him what he was wearing? He just wanted to spend a nice weekend with his friends. He didn’t know half the people. A few older boys came along, friends of Emma’s boyfriend and a few mates of Arthur, but they didn’t really have much to do with them.

Annoyed, he threw the trousers back into the cupboard and grabbed two older ones, which were allowed to get dirty easily. He did the same with the T-shirts, simply reaching into the bottom of the stack and pulling out the first three shirts. He was planning to buy a T-shirt st the festival anyway. And of course the swimming shorts had to be there. Arthur had enthusiastically reported that there would be a lake where you could swim and the weather would be really bombastic.

He stuffed everything in his bag with the rest of his stuff and sat next to it. He was to be picked up in half an hour. With the car it was not three hours to the campground. They had been distributed to the cars, because not all of them had a driver’s license yet. They had divided by districts and Lucas was supposed to ride with Alex, at least someone he knew.

The groceries had already been split between the cars and cool bags. Everyone had to carry his package.

He grabbed his sunglasses and stepped out of his room, ready to start the weekend.

“Ahhh, let me look at you,” Mika shouted from the kitchen as he heard Luca’s room door and hurried into the hall. He stopped in amazement. “Lucas! You’re going to a festival! You really want to wear that,” he asked with his eyebrow raised.

Lucas looked down at himself. He was wearing short jeans and a dark blue T-shirt. “What’s wrong with my outfit” he asked hesitantly.

“Nothing” was Mika’s simple answer. “It simply is not right. Where are the colours? The lust for life and music? Why is my dear friend so sad?” and without waiting for another word, Mika reached for Luca’s bag, fished out his clothes and disappeared into his room. Lucas stayed bewildered. What had just happened? Why couldn’t he dress the way he was comfortable? Why did one have to show off? Rolling his eyes, he went after Mika and when he entered the room, a yellow tank top flew towards him, “Try this on, it should actually fit, but trying goes over studying”.

Lucas looked at the shirt in horror. “I’m not putting that on!”

“Now don’t act like that or should I help you undress? No problem,” he turned to him and Lucas gave in. “All right, but just because I try this on, I won’t take it with me.” “That’s only fair. I just want to see how it looks on you.”

“Happy?” Lucas wasn’t feeling great. At most he wore such tops for sports, but Mika shone at him. “Oh my God! You look… well really Lucas, you look hot! I didn’t even know you had muscles in your upper arms” he shouted laughing and pinched Lucas in his biceps. “And the shirt fits so well to your pants. Please do us both the favor and take it with you and put it on!” Beaten Lucas let his head hang. “All right, I’ll take it with me, but I can’t promise I’ll wear it.” A ray spread over Mica’s face. “Perfect. And you take this with you, too,” and he handed Lucas a dark blue shirt with a rainbow flag on it. “Really Mika? Are you serious?” “Hey, the flag stands for so much! Joy of life, tolerance, peace and of course it serves as a good identification mark,” and he winked at Lucas. “Apropos,” he went to his bedside table and rummaged through it. With an even bigger grin he came back and stuffed a handful of condoms in Lucas’ bag, “just in case.” he sad with a huge grin on his face. “Mika, I’m not planning on doing anything on the weekend and when should I use all these condoms at all? We are only there until Monday morning!” He inevitably had to laugh.

“You never know what’s waiting for you or who’s expecting you there.” Was Mika’s simple reply.

Lucas took the T-shirt from his hand and stuffed it into his bag with the yellow shirt he tried on. He put on his own shirt again and was happy to feel the safe, comfortable fabric and colour on his body. “And now it’s enough! I don’t want to attract too much attention!

"Just one more! Please, please, please” Mika begged with dog eyes. “What is it?” Lucas wanted to sound more annoyed than he actually did. Seeing Mika in such a good mood was just too contagious. Mika stood in front of his chest of drawers and with a “Tadaaaaaaa!” he turned around and held up mirrored sunglasses in the shape of a heart. “Wow,” Lucas was missing the words. “Take it and wear it with pride!”, Mika solemnly handed him the glasses and Lucas had to confess, the glasses looked very cool after all.

“Okay, this one is great,” Lucas admitted and Mika’s smile didn’t fit into his face anymore.

Lucas hadn’t paid any attention to the time anymore and got a little jumpy when the door opened and Manon came in and revealed that Alex was there to pick them up.

“Ohhh, you two, I wish you a lot of fun! Manon, watch out for my little butterfly and Lucas, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” and with a wink he pushed them out the door, “We’ll see you guys on Monday!”

Laughing and a little excited, they went down the stairs. Emma and Alex stood outside and waited. Kisses here, kisses there and Alex took the bags off and stowed them expertly in the trunk.

“Manon, Lucas, you have to squeeze a little in the back seat, decide who wants to sit in the middle,” Emma sat relaxed in the passenger seat and started playing the music until she found a song she liked.

Both Lucas and Manon looked into the car. On the back seat sat a tall young man, his hair tousled and yet stylish. He had his head leaned against the window and his eyes closed. How could he sleep with the music?

“May I introduce Eliott. He fell asleep as soon as we started. I’d like to have such peace and quiet,” they heard Alex say from the trunk.

Manon looked at Lucas. “I’m sitting in the middle, you probably want to get some sleep or have a look at the landscape,” she grinned at him.

Sure. He had shouldered his neck pillow, let her slide into the middle and then made himself comfortable next to her. It was tight and warm on the back seat, and he looked enviously forward, where Emma was stretching on the front seat.

The ride dragged on like rubber. Emma had considered to play the music of the less or not at all known artists, which were going to perform at the festival, during the drive so that one wouldn’t miss any jewel. And damn, there were weird sounds. A couple of bands sounded pretty good and for others Lucas didn’t understand that someone actually paid money to see or hear them.

The country roared past them. Lucas enjoyed the view. Like the calm before the storm he absorbed the environment, lost himself in the green of the meadows and trees, in the blue of the lakes and rivers they passed and let the light of the sun shine on his face. He closed his eyes and in front of his inner eye the sunspots danced up and down and he had to smile. He was about to lean back and make himself comfortable with his neck pillow, when a quiet strange sound interrupted the silence of the car, which had settled over everyone after about half the distance, only the music could still be heard.

“Alex, can you turn the music up a little bit? I love this band!” Eliott had apparently recovered.

Alex grinned in the rear view mirror and turned up the music. Next to Lucas he felt Manon moving and suddenly he heard it. Eliott really had to be a fan of this band. Curious, Lucas turned his head to the side to convince himself that he had not misheard. Watching Eliott sitting happily in his seat, slightly bent forward, his head rocking to the music and gesticulating with his hands, singing along, Lucas had to grin. It came as a surprise and the whole car was suddenly charged with energy. Manon and Emma also started bobbing slightly in time and joined in the refrain and soon the car was filled with crooked sounds and cheerfulness.

And Lucas? Lucas bounced his foot slightly, he was unable to do more. He couldn’t take his eyes off Eliott as he sat there beaming, his eyes closed and living the music he apparently really loved. Fascinated, he stared at him, watching his hair swaying with every movement, his hands painting imaginary images in the air as he moved them to the music. But Lucas kept looking back at that face. Eliott looked so peaceful, so absolutely alive in that moment, and every time the sun grazed his face, it was as if he was shining, but perhaps it was his general smile that made him shine.

After the song was over, Eliott came to rest again, still smiling, he opened his eyes and looked around, and his gaze remained with Lucas, who was still staring at him, and even though that was hardly possible, Eliott began to smile even more than before and grey eyes met blue eyes and Lucas knew he was lost.

Suddenly it darkened around Lucas. Manon leaned slightly forward and stretched out her hand to Eliott. “Hello. I’m Manon. It’s nice that you’re with us now, the ride seems to be getting pretty lively after all.”

Eliott laughed briefly, then took her hand and while he greeted Manon and introduced himself, he leaned a little forward to catch Luca’s gaze: “Nice to meet you. I’m Eliott.” And there it was again. That radiant smile that made the sun look dark in comparison and that made Lucas feel slightly dizzy.

With a light smile on his lips, Lucas nodded to Eliott and turned his face back to the window. He wasn’t able to withstand that look any longer. It was as if Eliott were looking directly into his soul and recognized his deepest desires, hopes and fears.

Manon was already chattering happily and Eliott was distracted and devoted his attention to Manon, but he let his gaze wander to Lucas from time to time. Lucas stared out of the window, but hardly noticed the landscape. He was too busy not looking at Eliott all the time. He felt the other person’s gaze on him. Curious eyes that briefly watched him before concentrating on Manon again. Lucas took advantage of these moments and watched from the corner of his eye as Eliott sat gesticulating and told Manon about some band.

He was so full of energy and enthusiasm and Lucas had to smile automatically.

Yes, he was definitely lost.

#skam france #skam france fic #elu #elu fic #skamfr fic #eliott x lucas #myfic #prompt wish #your wish is my command #AU #festival of love

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itsjustcommon · 6 years

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My Testimony... finally

I’ve been avoiding writing this out for a long time. I’ve always had a hard time sharing my testimony. But recently I’ve seen a few people share theirs and it helped me a lot, so maybe mine can help someone else.

The thing I guess that I’m ashamed of most is that worst sins came after I was saved. My story is one of backsliding down Everest basically. But I’ll start in the beginning.

I was raised in a household that professed to be Christian. I was in church almost three times a week. I was forced to memorize scripture since 9 (I’m much more grateful for that now than I was then). Despite my parents being Christian we didn’t talk a lot about it. I remember in sixth grade we had a Sex Ed portion of our science class. I went to school in Wisconsin, it was a very liberal curriculum. They told us about pornography and masturbation and how they were a healthy part of growing up. Now I have to give my 6th grade self credit because something immediately sketched me out about that. I went to my mom and straight up asked her if masturbation was a sin. She said she would get back to me… I still haven’t gotten an answer from her yet.

Despite being extremely curious, I didn’t go there. That next summer my family moved from Wisconsin, all the way to Louisiana. I went to a small public school called Church Point middle, which is ironic because it was opposite of anything remotely godly. I guess kids are more sheltered in the town I was from because I learned a lot the next year. These kids were sexually active, knew every swear word you could think of, got into fights constantly, were so disrespectful to everyone and everything around them. It was honestly one of the worst years of my life. I stuck out like a sore thumb, I didn’t curse, I couldn’t tell you much about sex, I actually tried to do well in class, I was nice to the teachers, I had a weird northern accent and I pretty much kept to myself. Prime bullying material. I got called pretty much every name in the book but because the guys were so aggressive, my friends were pretty much exclusively girls, so queer was the name they settled on. I found out later it was someone I thought was my friend who started that rumor. At this point I had basically one friend- her name was Natia, she was a lesbian that already had a 1 year old baby-in seventh grade.

Seventh grade is where I started watching porn, I was already depressed and I felt like I couldn’t go to my parents for anything. My behavior started conforming to the people around me, I started swearing, manipulating people, cheating, getting into fights, ironically I developed this pridefulness over being morally superior to the people around me-despite engaging in all the same activities.

Eighth grade my parents moved me and my sisters into a private Christian school my mom worked at. That’s where I attended until I graduated. I was in a new environment so my actions changed accordingly. I became the meek kid again, I tried in school again, I stopped swearing(out loud), I became the good Christian boy I was expected to be. But there was one thing I couldn’t kick, I couldn’t stop watching porn, I didn’t want to either. I justified it because I has never heard anyone talk about porn in church, that must mean that it wasn’t a sin.

I met a kid named Timothy in eighth grade, there was something different about him. He was funny without being vulgar, he was a leader without trying, he loved Jesus not just with his mouth but his whole life. He was someone I wanted to be friends with, I wanted him to show me what he had that I didn’t. He was effortlessly Timothy, I felt like every move I made was all an act.

It wasn’t until sophomore year that we got close. But I got so much worse in the meantime. I was looking at pornography on an almost daily basis. The “soft core” stuff wasn’t enough for me anymore. I actually started watching gay porn, partially because I was still insecure from being called queer everyday for a year, it was a way to reclaim my sexuality I guess, make it my choice, and in part just because it was something that felt new and different. Again during all this time I still considered myself a Christian.

My sophomore schedule worked out in a way that I spent most of my day with Timothy, including a free period. It was because of this that we became really close. I remember one conversation where he asked me if I had ever shared my faith with someone. I told that I hadn’t and he challenged me to really think about why that was. He started reading the Bible with me, giving me books to read on my own, really discipling me. He confronted me about my sin and got me to the point where I admitted that I wasn’t acting like a Christian, and not only that but I had never acted like a Christian. He made me realize the title of Christian is a hat you can take off and on. That part of my sophomore year was one of the best seasons of my life. I felt like the dusty skeletons of religion became this thing that made me feel alive, really alive. For the first time reading the Bible felt new and fresh and exciting. It was my lifeblood

This is when I really started feeling convicted about my pornography addiction. I reached out to a mentor figure from my church who was a few years older than me. I called him in the middle of the night crying about how ashamed I was and how I needed someone to keep me accountable. And things got better, it wasn’t perfect repentance but God was changing my desires.

That same year my dad went to prison. That destroyed me, I’d never felt super close to my dad and all this did was push me further from him. My mom couldn’t afford rent with her single salary, if it weren’t for the church we would have been homeless. It was not a good time for my family. I fell back into my sin. And I feel like it was worse this time around because I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. I stopped praying and going to church. I couldn’t even open my bible without wanting to throw up. I hated myself. I felt like God must hate me too.

I didn’t stay there long. I was able to forgive my dad and God brought me back. I helped a buddy start this small group program at our school and I threw myself into writing the curriculum and learning as much about God as possible. I learned that when I told others about the Gospel I was also preaching it to myself. When I stopped sharing the gospel I seemed to forget it too. My dad was released from prison in my senior year of high school, soon after he moved back in with my mom. Things seemed good, and they were. This was a season of restoration.

I was nearing graduation. I had good grades, I planned on going to LSU. I had the ACT scores, most of the cost would be covered by scholarships. I planned to major in philosophy and maybe to law school. One night when I was praying I got super convicted—I realized that I hadn’t gone to God for any of these major life decisions I was making on my own. So I asked him where he wanted me to go and he told me—the United States Air Force. So that was where I set my sights, I started getting prepared for that. It was strange because I went to a college prep school, it was assumed that I was going to college basically my whole life, I never thought about doing anything different.

This is a good time to talk about my summer job. I worked at a small baptist camp. I lived there during the summer in a house with 10 other Christian guys and worked with another 10 Christian girls. These people became my family almost immediately. We had weekly bible studies with our bosses, and often stayed up till morning just talking about Jesus. That summer was the closest I ever felt to God. I felt like he was revealing so much to me. All we did was serve campers and talk about Jesus so he was always on the forefront of my mind. I wish that season never came to an end.

At the end of the summer I shipped out to San Antonio for basic training. Armed with my Bible I was ready. It was tough, not because we did anything particular hard but because I felt so isolated from my friends and family. My first Sunday there I was able to attend church and it was so refreshing, I wept for most of the worship. Basic training was one of the most fruitful mission fields I’ve ever seen. All I had to do was open my bible and within 5 minutes someone would come up to me curious about God. I guess these people being isolated made them realize how hungry they were for the gospel.

After two months I graduated and headed to my tech training. I was there for 6 months. I didn’t have a car so I didn’t go to church. I got lazy. I stopped sharing the gospel, I stopped reading my Bible. And I backslide. I had this new found freedom to do whatever I wanted. I had no accountability to anyone. I was away from my parents for the first time and with it came incredibly loneliness. I fell back into my pornography addiction. It was worse than before, I had to look at crazier and crazier stuff to feel anything. And when porn wasn’t enough anymore I started talking to strangers online, posting pictures of myself on the internet. Someone recognized that I was in a Air Force dorm and asked me which base I was at. Turns out he lived 2 floors down from me. We had sex, it was just the next step, watching porn wasn’t doing it for me anymore so I lived out my fantasies. I found out later he was married. That didn’t stop me from seeing him a few more times. I just felt numb, even after I stopped seeing him. I knew it was the worst thing I’ve ever done but I couldn’t process any of my feelings about it. I started to punish myself by running every night. I would push myself to run 8 to 9 miles every night. I lost so much weight. It was incredibly unhealthy but I didn’t know what else to do. I had never messed up this badly, I felt like I lost my salvation. I couldn’t bear to think about it, so I didn’t. I kept running. I wanted to kill myself, but I was too afraid of Hell.

I went home for a few weeks after tech school was over in April. It was bittersweet, I missed them so much but I felt like I was lying to them. Finally I spilled my guts, I talked to one of my friends while I was home and I explained what I had done. Basically they told me to stop moping, I was at rock bottom but wasn’t doing anything about it. God commands repentance, so I needed to stop hiding from him. He was waiting with open arms. I took one step, I confessed to God and he was faithful to forgive. I took one step toward home and it felt like God ran to met me where I was at. Sometimes it was hard to “feel” forgiven. Eventually I had to acknowledge that I was forgiven even when I didn’t feel it.

I was assigned to my first permanent duty station that April. I’ve been here in Washington since then. I still struggle. I go to a small church, I’m part of a men’s bible study-I’m the youngest guy there by 35 years. It’s nice to be back in a position of being discipled, in my experience that typically means God is preparing me for something big. If I had to guess it’s probably my upcoming deployment. I’m hopeful for the future. God is still restoring me. Everyday I desire him more and my sin less. Sometimes progress seems slow going but it’s progress nonetheless. God is faithful, I’m confident he will finish the good work He began in me.

Takeaways:

If I'm not preaching the gospel as often as I can, I forget it. The number one way that I can be sure I'm keeping Jesus at the forefront of my mind is by telling other people what he did for sinners

There is no “too far gone”

Sometimes a Christian’s greatest sins are still in front of them, have faith that Jesus died for those sins too.

The Bible is serious when it says to flee sexual immorality. Do not toe the line. Run away-it is a slippery slope.

Scripture especially important to me:

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6)

Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:9-12)

If anyone in the LGBT+ community is reading this I want you to know I don’t hate you, I’m not better than you. I have no high horse to ride on.

I’m just a beggar telling another where I found bread.

#long post

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avengers-nextgen · 6 years

Text

Prometheus I (Part 2)

“When did that happen?” Piper’s mouth hung open so far Alex had to close it for her.

“Who cares,” James laughed, “it’s great. You go Scout!”

“Stop, you’re gonna embarrass him.” Nathaniel scolded earning an agreeing nod from Alex.

“This day couldn’t get better.” Arthur sighed.

— — —

Bonding together the kids spent the next hour or two cleaning up Orion’s confetti but it was worth it. They danced about to music, told jokes, exchanged stories, and everything seemed to be going well.

“Man, I can’t believe it’s been a year,” Orion sighed, resting his chin on his broom handle. “You’ve all changed so much.”

“Are you calling me old?” Nathaniel clutched his heart.

“No you dolt!” Orion whacked him on the butt with his broom. “I just mean everyone looks different, and I guess it’s just odd. We all had personal things going on and it’s changed us.”

“Great, now I’m all nostalgic.” Piper mumbled.

“Just a thing I noticed,” Orion shrugged.

“You’re right, but I’d rather not think about it.” Alex admitted. “It feels wrong somehow.”

After that no one spoke for a long time until the mess was cleaned. Once the brooms were safely packed up the cleaning crew of kids began to file inside when the thrum of an engine sounded once more.

“Who else is-“ James frowned in bewilderment before he recalled who was missing. “It seems Wakanda has arrived.”

As soon as James mentioned the W word Thalia was already waiting for the stupid ramp to open. She looked like a little dog waiting to see it’s owner after a long vacation.

“She’s so bloody adorable,” Arthur mused. “Like a little puppy.”

Siyanda didn’t get a chance to step off the ramp before she was flat on her back with an excited blonde looking at her wide eyed. “Geez, I was not expecting that.”

“Hi,” Thalia grinned like a little kid.

Siyanda rolled her eyes and sighed before pulling Thalia in for a kiss. She’d missed the girl and even in the two seconds of meeting her again she was head over heels. Siyanda had missed the innocent, happy, fun loving God more than ever when surrounded by stingy, bossy, and annoying people.

Thalia pulled back from the kiss only for need of air. Siyanda trailed her thumbs across Thalia’s cheeks and studied the other girl’s face, but Thalia knew something was wrong right away. “You bring bad news.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Your face,” Thalia sat upright in concern, “what is it?”

— — —

“He’s strange and powerful,” Siyanda explained during the last minute meeting, “I don’t know who he is exactly but...”

“He’s scary,” Enzo whimpered. The boy had tucked his knees to his chest and hid his face in them too.

“Yes,” Siyanda nodded. “I’m not one to be afraid, but this has truly frightened me.”

“That’s enough for tonight,” Tony decided. “Fury?”

“All of you get rest. I’ll do my best to find more information and rally a plan.” Already Fury had a look in his eye that was unsettling. No one argued as they scrambled off to bed.

“You can sleep with me,” Arthur offered, “since we’re bunk buddies. Just in case you get nightmares, okay Enzo?”

“Thanks,” The younger boy nodded, but it was clear he was thoroughly rattled.

— — —

“You won’t believe this,” Thalia beamed, clasping her hands together, “I found my mother.”

“Really?” Siyanda’s eyebrows arched in surprise. “Thalia, that’s amazing!”

“I know,” Thalia nodded, “come on, I think you’ll like her.”

Thalia dragged the princess through the halls in search of her mother. She discovered the woman standing on one of the balconies looking at the stars. Thor was there too which was perfect in Thalia’s opinion. Both of them in one place!

“Thalia wait a sec-“ Siyanda didn’t finish her sentence as Thalia eased the door open a crack.

“What did you expect me to tell her?” Sif demanded. “A lie?”

“Of course not.” Thor scoffed. “But I’m her father, and I’ve been degraded down to a villain because of you and my brother.”

“It was your actions that have given you this result, not me, and not Loki.” Thalia paused, and Siyanda thought she would leave, but a look of resolution passed over the girl’s face. She stayed to hear the rest.

“This isn’t my fault.” Thor shook his head.

“When will you ever claim ownership for something?”

“You led me on.”

“So it’s my fault?” Sif glared. “I was there for you when no one else was, and I was nothing more than a friend! I set boundaries that you didn’t follow.”

“I followed them.” Thor insisted. “To the mark.”

“No, you were so caught up in the mortal that you couldn’t even think clearly. You need to stop pining over someone you can’t have and move on with your life.” Sif hissed.

“Is that what you did when you took me to bed?” Thor set his jaw. It happened in a flash, the sound was harsh and loud, and a handprint settled across Thor’s cheek.

“You bastard. You absolute horrid monster!” It was clear the goddess was trying to control her anger, but she was barely succeeding. “I loved you. For years! I knew where I stood. I did not make advances because I knew you didn’t want them. The man that showed up on my doorstep that day was not the person I fell in love with as a child. I trusted you, invited you into my home, and you took advantage of me in a moment of weakness. I was alone, scared, and as confused as you were when I learned what happened to our home.”

Thor touched the welt gingerly. “You were never a child, Sif.”

“Because someone had to shoulder the responsibilities you ran away from.” A pause settled for only a moment. “You used to be kind, caring, compassionate, and full of love.”

“The world chews those people up and spits them out,” Thor frowned, “there’s no room for it here. Maybe on Asgard, but not here.”

“Then go back to Asgard.”

“Asgard is gone! My home is gone.” Thor snapped.

“No, it’s not.” Sif shook her head. “You’re so close minded you can’t even see that your daughter has done all of the work for you. She’s brought Asgard to you. Asgard isn’t a place it’s a people. That’s what your father always said. Find a place to make your home, nurture it, and make Asgard better than it ever was before. Here, on earth.”

“You act as if Thalia isn’t yours,” Thor scoffed.

“She wasn’t the moment you took her from me.” Sif’s expression became wounded. “And you have no idea how much you’ve hurt the people around you. How you’ve hurt your brother. Your family.”

“I did what I had to with Sage.” Thor argued. “She’s dangerous.”

“No, she wasn’t dangerous until you made her the enemy. You formed a self fulfilling prophecy for yourself and for her.” Thalia felt her eyes welling with tears. She wasn’t too sure how to feel but she was the slightest bit proud of her mother. She knew the truth behind Sage and Enzo. The reason for their stories. It took damaged souls to understand damaged souls. “And rather than help fix what you broke you left it in pieces.”

“She’s found her path,” Thor sighed.

“She’s the only one absent.” Sif remarked. “Because she’s afraid of you. And honestly, I am too.”

“That’s not fair-“

��It is.” Sif began to move towards the door. “And I believe you have quite a bit of thinking to do.”

Thalia scampered back quickly with Siyanda in tow. She darted back to her room and didn’t stop until the door was shut.

“Thalia...”Si started carefully, “you okay?”

Thalia didn’t answer. She just gripped her pillow to her chest and hid her face in it. Siyanda rested next to her and pulled Thalia into a hug. “I always thought I was the result of something more than my father’s impulsiveness.”

“That’s not your fault,” Siyanda insisted.

“Everyone here has been born because of love. Even Bianca, to an extent, and I’m just the result of-of rape.” Thalia sobbed. “I was an accident!”

“Not all accidents are bad. In fact, my aunt discovers most of her biggest advancements through accidents.” Siyanda ran a hand through Thalia’s hair. “Chocolate chip cookies were an accident.”

“I like cookies,” Thalia mumbled.

“Exactly. Now, things aren’t perfect but they can change. Family is always tricky business.” Siyanda sighed. “The question is do you love them?”

“Yes.”

“Then that’s what matters.”

“But do they love me?” Thalia cried.

“Of course. Mother’s always love their kids, and your father did raise you. Whether it was in a healthy environment or not. Even adults-and Gods-have a lot to learn from their own mistakes. Maybe this is a good opportunity and you just don’t know it yet.” Thalia nodded at Siyanda’s words and remained quiet until she’d fallen asleep.

Thor lingered outside with his hand hovering over the door to knock, and he’d heard all of it. His gut twisted painfully and his thoughts were at war with each other once more. With a second thought, he assumed it was best to leave them alone, and he went on his way.

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raendown · 6 years

Link

Pairing: MadaraTobirama Word count: 4485 Summary: Hanahaki disease is a condition which causes the victim of unrequited love to grow flowers in their lungs, ending in death when the roots grow too deep and eventually suffocating them if the feelings are never returned.For Tobirama it begins with a single petal.

Follow the link or read it under the cut!

I’ll Breathe You A Garden

When they meet for the first time it is not a problem. Of course not, they are on opposing sides of a generation’s long feud, the reason for which has been lost to time. The moment Tobirama and Madara meet for the first time they barely even spare a glance for each other and their thoughts are nothing but derogatory and prejudiced, typical progenies of the environments they were raised in.

More than a decade passes before Madara and Tobirama are properly introduced and it is done by the one thing the two of them have in common: Hashirama. As part of the peace their clans have agreed upon, Hashirama insists that all of his special persons must know each other and get along. It is to his disappointment to discover that his brother and his best friend do not get along in the slightest, trading heated glares and pointed insults at every available opportunity. Others quickly learn to never leave the two of them alone in a room together.

Once construction of the village is completed and the two clans have separate areas to which they can retreat and stare suspiciously from behind proverbial curtains, things improve. Only barely but it still counts. Tobirama and Madara avoid each other as much as possible and both fall in to the habit of pretending the other does not exist when they are forced in to close proximity. Meetings are frequently made awkward by the tension between them but since all agree that it’s better than violence, nothing is ever done about it lest the pair of them fall back in to those undesired violent patterns. The less blood shed between two such prominent figures, the easier the peace between the rest of their kin.

It isn’t until the second anniversary of the village founding that things begin to change. As others beging to recognize the safety inherent in trading their clan pride for pride in a village, infrastructure in Konohagakure grows in necessary ways. Among the new additions is the academy which is Tobirama’s pride and joy.

And among the complications is finding teachers for the academy who have three very important qualifications. Those who have both the skill and the temperament do not always have the approval of each clan head. As it draws close to the time when they hope to begin holding classes, a snap decision is made to have the clan heads themselves all take turns giving lessons to the children of the village. The hope is that the experience will help them better understand the requirements of the position so that they may better judge who to allow in those roles.

The results are both exactly what one might expect and nothing at all like what one might expect. With Hashirama having been named Hokage, the title of clan Head falls technically on Tobirama’s shoulders and he is the only person of the group who goes to this duty with any amount of pleasure. That much might have been expected since his fondness for teaching the next generation is well known. What is not expected is Tobirama’s reaction to seeing Madara forced in to a teaching roll as well, surprisingly gentle with the children of many clans.

It is seeing Madara crouched on his heels and scowling deeply even as his hands oh-so-softly correct a young girl’s dragon seal that brings about the beginning of a sickness Tobirama has heard of only in legends. The first symptom is a strange palpitation of the heart, an off-beat thumping in his chest when Madara grumpily praises the young child and receives a beaming smile in return. Unsure what it is that caused the odd sensation or the even odder images suddenly running through his mind, Tobirama vows to leave Madara be during his shifts with the academy class. A healthy dose of suspicion is all well and good when it comes to the well-being of the children but it’s obvious that it is his own health he should be worried about.

Symptoms progress quite slowly at first. Madara is still a mule-headed ass with too much pride and Tobirama still avoids him when possible. Except that isn’t completely true. A mere week after he makes his vow Tobirama breaks it and returns to the academy to watch the older man navigate the trials of imparting wisdom on to a roomful of children from all different backgrounds. Despite having witnessed it before it still surprises him how well Madara fares in a duty none would have thought him to excel at.

When his heart skips a beat Tobirama tries hard to put it down as another fluke even as he wraps his chakra closer in to himself and settles in to continue watching. He tell himself that it is in the children’s interest that he comes back the next week and also the week after that. When they pass in the hallways and ignore each other during meetings he pretends it is only keeping the peace and not because he suddenly has the urge to hide until these strange feelings go away. As his interest grows so does his awareness of the chaos which would result should anyone know of this fascination which he cannot seem to shake.

Four months later the first petal appears.

He is in a tea house with his sister-in-law listening to Mito complain about how often her husband will stay out late to waste his pocket money in gambling dens. When she asks him a question he opens his mouth to reply only for his breath to catch on something and set off a coughing fit.

Mito waits patiently for him to catch him breath and then looks at him strangely when he uncovers his mouth to reveal a pale lavender flower petal. Tobirama looks at it strangely too; what an odd this to find in one’s throat. But it is only one petal and spring is in full bloom, so a blossom on the wind seems much more likely than some fairy tale disease of which neither of them have ever seen a real case. That he might have produced the flower himself doesn’t even occur to either one of them at the time. Conversation carries on and the incident is forgotten.

A week later he is sitting alone in his office, working on anything and everything he can to put off his visit to Hashirama’s office. His senses tell him that his brother is not alone in there and he almost has avoiding Madara down to an actual art form. So for once instead of doing his duties he is whiling away the time putting the finishing touches on a project which will not be reviewed by the council for another three weeks, his inner eye focused on the two men who he is certain aren’t actually doing anything productive. The tickle in the back of his throat doesn’t really draw his attention in any particular way. He gives a quiet cough to clear it and sets brush to parchment again, still focused on other things.

Choking on what feels like nothing but air, however, does get his attention rather quickly. Tobirama balls one fist in front of his mouth as he coughs and coughs until he’s begun to wonder about a possible allergic reaction to something. When the obstruction finally clears he spits out three petals of the prettiest blue he’s ever seen.

Tobirama looks at them in horror, a thought forming in his mind and immediately being dismissed as being fanciful. Yet he cannot deny that there is no open window for a breeze to come in through, no current in the stale air of the tower which might have blown something in to his mouth. He doesn’t remember eating any flowers or for that matter consuming anything more today than a slice of toast for breakfast. There is no logical way for these petals to have come to be inside his throat, lodged deeply enough to give him trouble breathing, yet here they are. Slowly, carefully, he opens the drawer of his desk and sets the three petals down inside then closes away the evidence.

No need to bother anyone about this yet, he thinks. Obviously his fanciful thoughts are wrong and there will be no more incidents like this one so why should he bother someone else with something so ridiculous?

Still, Tobirama leaves the tower that day without ever having gone to see his brother, important documents left with the man’s secretary to be delivered later while he leaves to head a few blocks over where a library has only recently been opened to the public. He thinks that surely research will calm his irrational fears; he even feels a faint shadow of excitement for being able to finally see what new books the other clans have brought with them.

A month later the desk in his office has a tiny collection of flower petals in a small but beautiful heap hidden away from the rest of the world. They come in every color imaginable, showing up in patterns he can’t begin to unravel, and he hate them almost as much as he loves them. Each petal causes pain now as they tear themselves up out of his lungs and force their way up his esophagus. They are impossible to breathe around and he knows that it is only by some extreme force of luck that none but Mito have yet witnessed one of his attacks. A smarter man might have thrown away the evidence but Tobirama finds himself attached to them in some strange way he can’t explain.

Hanahaki disease, he knows, is born of when one person develops unrequited feelings for another. He’s read all the symptoms and each of the legends, studied the progression of the illness, and he knows the future suffering that he is faced with. And yet he cannot help but to stroke each petal as it appears, admiring the softness and the shade. Just as he cannot help but the follow Madara with his eyes each time they are in the same room together, loving from afar a man who it seems would prefer that he did not exist.

Life is cruel in its ironies and Tobirama has always known that. Only, he had thought that he had seen all the ironies he deserved already, isn’t sure what he has done to earn this beautiful yet painful death sentence.

His final irony is as gentle as it is difficult to bear and it begins on the day Hashirama finally notices that something is wrong. For so long he has been able to keep his malady a secret – a coughing fit here or there can be written off for so many reasons – but the day he finally brings up his first flower it feels as though suddenly death is knocking at his door, leering through the windows with a patient grin. Hashirama looks at the full blossom in his hand with something akin to terror in his eyes but he doesn’t have to say anything. Tobirama knows.

Flowers mean that roots have begun to grow. Soon his lungs will be filled with them and there will be no room for air in his body, no way for him to breathe blessed oxygen around the wood and the flora growing within.

“Brother?” Hashirama’s voice is small as he plucks the gardenia from his fingers and cradles it between shaking palms. “Tobirama…since when?”

“Long enough,” he replies, unable to look at anything but flower. Gardenia for secret love. How appropriate, he thinks. But he has brought up petals of endless variety and he knows that this is only the beginning. Some part of him hopes that not all of them with have such heavy handed symbolism; he would hate to be so boring.

Across the room, Madara and Izuna watch them with looks which he has no wish to decipher. Certainly there are hints of sympathy but he has no desire to see the pity that is surely hidden close behind. The last thing he wants is Madara’s pity when it is him that Tobirama is dying for, him that he dreams of in the moments when he allows his mind to drift away and settle where it will. No, he would much rather keep to himself and allow Madara to go on pretending he does not exist. It will be easier on everyone if he simply fades away that they might forgets he was ever here.

At first it is much easier to fade away than he thought it would be, although he isn’t sure if that pleases him or not. Obviously concerned for his well-being, Hashirama is more than willing to grant him as much rest as he wishes and Tobirama spends many days working from home, avoiding the world but not the pains that it has caused him. He spends more time with both Mito and Touka than he ever thought he would and it shocks him to discover just how poorly they are both handling the situation. His cousin is nearly as devastated as his brother at the impending loss hanging over their heads and Mito – dear Mito – for all her grace, her bedside manner is utterly deplorable.

When they ask him one day if there is no chance Tobirama sips his tea and turns his head away. The roots expanding inside his lungs is nothing compared to the shriveling of his heart and there is nothing he wants less than to talk about it.

Hashirama’s questions are more pointed and his responses harder to explain.

“I’ve read up on this disease,” he says. Tobirama does not look at him.

“As have I.”

“Then you know there is a cure! A surgery! I could save your life so why won’t you let me!?”

Tobirama does not flinch as a large tanned fist comes down on table littered with dainty little blossoms, yellow daffodils for unrequited love. Still so boring and predictable but he counts himself lucky to never have choked on a rose.

“If you know what the cure is,” he murmurs, “then you know what it will do to me. Better to die than to never feel love again.”

“You can’t be serious!”

Had he meant to answer that at all he still would not have been able to. His next breath catches in his chest and Tobirama curls in to himself, wracked with a severe coughing fit that shakes his body leaves him red in the face with lack of proper oxygen. Hashirama pats his back and apologizes for yelling, tears welling in his eyes. There are almost always tears in his eyes now.

Even after he opens his mouth and spits up two full daisies, the subject is not brought up again. Tobirama is relieved, not only to be spared the embarrassment of being so obvious about his emotions but also that he will not have to struggle for the words to express them. How to explain that he fears a world in which he cares for nothing, a world where not even the tether of familial love exists to stop him from following the darkest of his thoughts? In the secret places inside him, the shadows he does not share, he knows that Hashirama is the light which keeps his feet marching along the correct path. Without the love he carries for his older brother, Tobirama knows he would not be good for this world.

The next day Hashirama brings to him his final irony and Tobirama goes to his fate with a scowl which completely disguises both the pleasure and the distaste he takes in this new change. As Touka leaves the village on a mission with great reluctance, Mito finally throws up her hands and admits that she has no skill as a caretaker.

“I can’t stand the thought of you alone,” Hashirama tells him.

He wonders what ever possessed his sibling to think that Madara, of all people, was the right man to keep him company. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that they are best friends and no matter what others say Hashirama will always think of Madara as the soft children they were when they met at the riverside. There is nothing soft about that face as Madara watches him settle on the couch, curled beneath a blanket and feeling disgustingly frail.

Getting a shinobi’s recommended daily exercise is abominably difficult when one cannot breathe through the motions.

At first Tobirama refuses to speak to his new ward, uninterested in knowing what kind of blackmail convinced him to agree to this duty. Not that he speaks very much anyway these days. More than half the time when he opens his mouth it is to vomit another blossom of red or yellow or the palest blue. Some of them have stems now that trigger his gag reflex and always have him reaching for the bucket he keeps nearby. In the end that which drives him to speak is the same thing which drove him to create some of his most infamous jutsu: boredom.

Madara retains a neutral expression most of the time and unless necessary he rarely gets up from the seat which has been turned in to his temporary workspace, where paperwork is completed during the long stretches when neither of them say anything. But when they do speak he is disturbingly gentle and Tobirama hates it, hates being treated softly.

Hates that he needs it, dying for something so stupid the way he is.

Their conversations aren’t momentous in anyway. He doesn’t truly learn anything life changing nor does he give away any information about himself that he wouldn’t reveal to another stranger. Madara grumbles about the content of this letter or stupidity of that budget request. He makes endless pots of tea and they discuss their favorite flavors, arguing the merits of black against green. In return Tobirama makes an attempt to do as much paperwork as he can without exhausting himself in between feeding Madara as many embarrassing stories as he recalls of Hashirama during their childhood. If there is anything he wants to leave behind when he passes it is the ability to remind Hashirama that he was once – and still is – the world’s biggest dork.

It feels as though time passes so much slower in the last two months of his suffering, for which Tobirama is both grateful and annoyed. It certainly isn’t pleasant to have one’s death prolonged. But after thinking about the issue perhaps a bit too much he finally admits that he is through with running and accepts every moment he can soak up of Madara’s presence, thinking it his final parting gift. Hashirama takes as much time as he can spare to be here at home but he has a village to run and it is Madara with whom Tobirama spends most of his time.

At almost exactly noon on a perfectly sunny day, Tobirama coughs up several flowers and a handful of blood.

Madara’s first reaction is to send a clone for Hashirama, of course. He helps Tobirama recline on the mountain of pillows piled up on the couch, knowing that it feels best when he uncurls his chest to make room around the roots growing inside of him. Each breath wheezes in his throat and when he tries to speak his words break on another coughing fit that brings up nearly half a bouquet.

When Hashirama arrives the handkerchief that Madara has pressed to his lips is soaked in blood.

“Do something you idiot,” the Uchiha snaps. Hashirama kneels with shining eyes and drops his head on to Tobirama’s shoulder, the very picture of helplessness.

“There’s nothing to do,” he whispers, flinching when Madara snarls.

“Bullshit! You’re a healer!”

“I’m not the one who can heal him.”

“Then who is!?”

“I don’t know!” A broken sob escapes Hashirama as he feels the body underneath his embrace shudder and writhe, struggling to breathe. “You’ve heard the legends, haven’t you? Hanahaki disease can only be cured if the person he is in love with returns his feelings.”

Brought up short, Madara frowns and turns away to pace a circuit around the living room. From his spot on the couch, Tobirama follows the man with his eyes, committing the sight of him to memory one last time. It isn’t a memory he will get to keep but it is precious just the same.

When he comes storming back over to crack a fist against Hashirama’s shoulder, Madara’s face is set in to a rictus of determination he usually saves for battle.

“How can you not know who it is?”

Rather than answer, Hashirama sighs. It isn’t for asking that he doesn’t know; he has asked a dozen times, a hundred times, but Tobirama has always believed he would prefer to go to his grave with pride. In this moment now he wonders at his own folly. What harm could it do grant them at least the peace of knowing there was nothing they could do? It wasn’t as though it would matter very much to him by tomorrow. The dead feel no embarrassment.

His mouth, when he opens it, is so full of petals that no sound comes through and they do not fall out as they always have. At long last the roots have grown too long and too wide and the short unsatisfactory breaths that he is stealing through his nose will be his last. Weakly, he looks down the garden in his lap. There are so many buds of so many colors and Madara’s attention is drawn to him as he lifts one hand to pick through them.

The tulip that he holds out is a perfect ruby red but at least it’s not a rose – still much too cliché. He knows Madara can read his intentions as he slowly lifts it and offers it to the older man, the head of the flower drooping in his lax grip. Before it can fall from between his fingers Madara catches it, cradles it gently, and stares back at him in wonder.

A tulip, in the language of flowers as he has been taught, is used as a declaration of love.

Madara looks between him and the red bloom with unfathomable eyes and for a moment Tobirama thinks that at least he will have the amusement of that confused face as the last sight he sees. His chest spasms as even his nose fails to draw breath, his vitals racing in protest. The human body can survive for two minutes without oxygen before suffocating; he regrets having spent so much time researching the effects of it.

While Hashirama’s fists tighten in the material of his shirt, Tobirama is seconds away from giving himself over to fate when Madara furrows his brow in determination once more and, against every expectation, leans down to plant a kiss right across on his lips.

Despite his genius and his over-large vocabulary, Tobirama does not have words to describe the sensation when he opens his mouth, dripping petals like a tree in spring, and takes his first proper breath in more than a year. Inside his chest he can feel his lungs expanding as though they had never been filled to bursting with roots and stems. His heart races, thunders, skips for joy as his mind struggles to keep up with both the information and the stimulation that it is receiving.

He can breathe.

Madara kissed him and now he can breathe.

Kneeling on the floor still, Hashirama sobs like a newborn child, blubbering his way through prayers of thanks to every god he could think of. Tobirama pays him no mind since it isn’t truly all that different from his usual behavior. Instead he keeps his eyes on Madara while he gulps in giant breaths, nearly high from taking in more oxygen than he is used to now.

“So…” Madara ventures. “How come that worked but me having feelings for you for months now didn’t?”

“For how long?” he gasps in return. Tobirama feels his eyebrows attempting to merge themselves with his hairline, shocked to his very core. Madara gives him an unimpressed look that, after so much time spent in each other’s presence, he understands means that the other is hiding his embarrassment.

“Don’t make a big deal out of it,” Madara growls.

Tobirama pauses for a moment before without warning he bursts in to laughter. He can’t say anything at all, can he? Considering the fact that he almost allowed himself to go quietly in to the next life rather than say something to the man he loved, he is the last person who should lecture another on their reticence. It feels like the first time he has laughed in an entire lifetime and he doesn’t bother to hold back even as both Hashirama and Madara look at him with wonder showing openly on their faces.

“You didn’t answer my question,” he hears Madara say. Before he can answer, Hashirama does so for him, wiping at his eyes with the corner of one sleeve.

“Hanahaki disease is born of the victim’s feelings. Just returning his affection wasn’t enough; Tobi couldn’t be cured until he knew about the way you felt.” In the next moment he is on his feet with both arms wrapped around a loudly protesting best friend. “But you did it, you saved him! Thank you! I owe you everything I have!”

“Get off me you overgrown fool!”

Without the two of them hovering over him, Tobirama slowly sits up and closes his eyes, filling his lungs and enjoying the sensation of having no obstructions in his throat. It feels amazing.

He stands up and with gentle hands he pushes the other two men apart. Then he pulls Madara to him by the collar of his shirt and drags him down in to another kiss, this time full of all the fire and feelings he very nearly died for. Caught up in each other, neither of them pay any attention to the way Hashirama can’t decide whether he wants to watch with a dreamy expression or close his eyes and tell them to get a room.

“You saved my life,” he murmurs after they finally part. “How disappointingly cliché. A terrible ending to a story.” Madara snorts and rolls his eyes.

“Only you would think of a story which ends with everyone alive as terrible.”

“Even worse: I think I owe you one. That absolutely won’t do.”

“I can think of several things you can do to make it up to me.”

Pulling up one corner of his mouth, Tobirama smirks. “I hope I hate all of them just as much as I hate you.”

They both know he means not at all.

#rae writes #madatobi #madara #tobirama #hashirama #fanfiction #naruto shippuden

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andthisisthewonder · 7 years

Text

Amendments

I wanted to try my hand at a trope I enjoy but have never written before. Let’s see how it worked out, lol. Rated M for sexy reasons.

As the applause for Peeta’s speech died down, Mr. Mellark lifted up his drink to toast his son. There had to be over three hundred people in the room, but Peeta’s voice and hands were steady. Winning over a crowd was what he excelled at.

“Thank you for trusting me to take over as CEO,” Peeta said into the microphone. “I promise to give everything I have to this company. While we will miss your dedication, passion, and leadership, I promise there are only bright days ahead for Mellark Tech.”

More applause. A few whistles, probably from his closest friends Finnick and Johanna.

“Now I need to take a moment to thank the most important person in my life: my beautiful fiancée, Katniss.”

Katniss smiled and ducked her head as everyone swiveled in their seats to find her table.

“She has been nothing but patient and encouraging these past two months as I worked nights and weekends to prepare for my new role. She knows how often I lose track of time when I’m in the middle of a project, so thank you for always making sure I ate dinner. While she may not know her way around the kitchen, there’s no one better at ordering takeout.” The audience laughed, and he flashed them a charming smile. “I’m so proud to have you by my side as I take this next step. I promise to make time for you, for us, even as I continue to work hard to support your shopping habit.”

More laughter. A few men in the room elbowed their wives.

“Thank you for coming out this evening to celebrate my father’s retirement. Enjoy dinner! And don’t forget, it’s open bar.” He winked and walked back to his table to thunderous applause.

Katniss stood when he reached his chair. She leaned in for a hug, pressed her mouth against his cheek, and whispered, “I’m going to stab you with the salad fork.”

“I doubt you know which fork that is,” he said under his breath as they sat down.

“Any sharp object will due at this point.”

Moments later, the first course was served. Katniss picked up the wrong fork, winked at him, and dug into her garden salad.

This was going to be a long night.

He had brought this upon himself with the jabs he had made during his speech. The audience viewed it as a little teasing between a man and his soon-to-be wife, but Katniss saw it for what it was. He had cut her down in front of everyone, remade her into the wife he wanted: harmless and silly. Insubstantial.

The truth was Katniss knew how to cook quite well. He had never tasted her cooking due to the personal chef he employed, but on more than one occasion he had come home from work to find Katniss making herself dinner. His plate, prepared to his specifications by his chef Sae, always waited in the oven.

Katniss didn’t have a shopping habit either, although he suspected she might develop one out of sheer boredom. She spent most days reading, practicing archery at the country club, or volunteering at a variety of charities around the city. There wasn’t much else to do. He wouldn’t let her work.

By the time the main course arrived, Katniss had downed two glasses of wine and had barely said a word. Clove Arlington, seated on her other side, tried to strike up a conversation several times, but Katniss either offered one word answers or deferred to Peeta.

He should have known she’d crack sooner or later.

Halfway through the filet mignon, Clove turned to Katniss and said, “I meant to tell you sooner. Your dress is absolutely stunning. Who designed it?”

“Six thousand dollars,” Katniss said without missing a beat. She stabbed a piece of steak and shoved it in her mouth.

“Excuse me?” Clove asked.

Peeta touched Katniss’s arm, but it was too late. The words came tumbling out.

“The dress cost six thousand dollars,” Katniss repeated. “That’s what you meant, right? You ask for the designer, look up the cost, and the next time I see you, you’re wearing something that cost an extra thousand.”

The other men and women at the table fell silent. Katniss raised her eyebrows and took a healthy gulp of wine.

“Honey, we talked about this,” Peeta said with a sheepish what-can-you-do glance around the table. “She’s not good at taking compliments.”

“It’s by Cinna.” Katniss tapped her chandelier earrings. “You want to know how much these cost too? I’ll give you a hint. They could feed a family of four for a year.”

“I’m sorry,” Peeta said. He rested his hand on her knee and squeezed. “Katniss grew up in a...different environment. She’s still learning what qualifies as an appropriate topic of conversation.”

“My apologies,” Katniss said. “I forgot we’re not supposed to discuss money out loud. We just quietly compare our networths based on what everyone wears and drives.”

His chair screeched against the ballroom floor as he stood. He yanked Katniss upright, much too brusquely to be considered polite, but anger clouded his judgment.

“If you’ll excuse us,” he said.

As they made their way across the ballroom, Peeta shot everyone who made eye contact a smile to reassure them there was nothing wrong. For all they knew, he was headed into the bathroom for a quickie with his fiancée.

Like he’d ever sleep with her. Like she’d ever let him.

They had almost reached the exit, when Cashmere fucking Laughlin stepped in front of them. Peeta cursed whatever deity had it out for him and came to an abrupt halt.

“Peeta!” She threw her arms around him, forcing him to let go of Katniss. “I feel like it’s been forever. You haven’t introduced me to your fiancée yet.”

“Of course,” Peeta said, switching on the charm. “Cashmere, this is Katniss. Katniss, this is Cashmere.”

“We go way back,” Cashmere said, sticking out her hand. “Friends since elementary school.”

Katniss looked from Cashmere’s face down to her hand and back up again. She shot Peeta a look as if to ask, Really? Normally, Peeta would call her out on her rudeness, but in this situation, he’d let the niceties slide.

Cashmere dropped her arm back to her side and returned her attention to Peeta.

“My computer has been giving me such trouble the past few days. You must come over and take a look at it.”

Katniss stiffened. Peeta drew her into his side, and for once, she didn’t fight him on the physical contact.

“I’m sure you could hire someone to fix it,” he said.

“Do you have any idea how much they charge?” Cashmere asked, as if she couldn’t afford to simply throw out the defective computer and buy ten brand new ones. “Besides, who better to take a look than the new CEO of Mellark Tech?”

Peeta gritted his teeth. “I’ll have to check my schedule.”

“I’m free this Wednesday,” Cashmere said. “Maybe you could stop by after work?”

“Like I said, I’ll have to check if I’m available.”

“If you’re planning on fucking her, could you let me know ahead of time? I’d hate to let your dinner get cold,” Katniss said in the sweetest voice she could muster. She almost sounded like the doting fiancée he billed her as.

Peeta shut his eyes and let out a breath. He opened them just in time to find Katniss pressing her cheek against Cashmere’s.

“It was wonderful to meet you,” Katniss said, before sweeping past Cashmere and out the exit.

Cashmere looked over her shoulder. “What the fuck?”

Peeta walked as calmly as he could, but as soon as he reached the lobby, he picked up his pace and caught Katniss by the arm. “We need to have a conversation. Now.”

The second ballroom was empty, so he tugged her through there into the attached bridal suite. He slammed the door behind them and locked it.

“Are you trying to make me look like an idiot?” he demanded.

She came to a stop in front of the large oak table in the center of the room and spun around to face him. “You don’t need my help with that.”

“You’re embarrassing me.”

She shrugged. “You embarrassed me.”

“No one gives a shit about what I said.”

“I care!” She kicked off her heels. He dove to the left to avoid being struck. “Those heels are the most painful shoes I have ever worn. God forbid I wear something practical.”

“We’re at my father’s retirement party,” he reminded her. “You couldn’t exactly wear your hiking boots.”

She glared at him. “I know what I’m expected to wear. I read the contract.”

She probably had it memorized. When he had approached her with this arrangement, she had disappeared with the contract for a full twenty-four hours. He had half expected to find it leaked online, but she finally resurfaced with a list of amendments.

The section about her physical appearance had been too broad. She worried what he’d make her do if she didn’t get specific. No surgical alterations. No cutting or dying her hair. She had complied with the rest of it though: high heels, a new wardrobe of skirts and dresses, make-up everyday, manicured nails. When they met, her nails had been short and unpolished. He had made her grow them out.

She went through an entire afternoon of waxing, plucking, and exfoliating. He should have sprung for a full body massage to end the day, but it hadn’t occurred to him until she’d come home with a scowl carved into her face. Red and raw, she disappeared into her room where she took her dinner.

None of the changes she made to the contract had bothered him, although he had fought her on nearly every single one. While her stubbornness impressed him, it also pissed him off. He was offering her an incredible amount of money for a six month engagement and two years of marriage. Not only did she get a weekly allowance and have access to his credit cards, but she’d also receive a large lump sum upon the finalization of their divorce.

Strangely enough, the money was the only part of the contract she had never complained about. Guess she was content with the number of zeroes.

“You’re acting like an insufferable asshole,” she said. At his stony face, she amended, “More so than usual.”

“You’re too sensitive. It was just a quick speech. They thought it was funny.”

“I don’t want to be a joke,” she snapped. ��I have to coexist with these people for the next two years. Half of them believe I’m some simpleton from Hicksville, USA while the other half think I’m a gold-digging slut you picked up off a stripper pole.”

He smirked. “I did find you at a strip club.”

“I was the bartender!” she yelled.

He stepped in front of her, and she scowled at the invasion of her personal space.

“I’m sorry I embarrassed you,” he said, annoyed that he actually meant it. There was something about her that he couldn’t avoid when he got close like this. He had kissed her a hundred times and held her close, but it was all for the public eye. When they were alone, when he looked at her for too long, his skin felt hot and prickly. She really was quite pretty, even without makeup. But tonight, god, tonight she looked fucking amazing. It didn’t help that Cinna’s dress put her breasts on display. He ached to touch him.

Fuck. He hated when he fell into this train of thought.

“No, you’re not,” she said. “You think I’m your pet. You think you can dress me up and treat me however you want so long as you’re paying me. It makes me sick.”

His jaw dropped. “I don’t think that.”

“If you want to fuck half the women in this city, fine, but don’t parade them around in front of me. It’s insulting.”

“That wasn’t my fault.”

“Are you going to fix her computer this week?” she asked, arching an eyebrow. “Take a look at her hardware?”

The truth was Cashmere hadn’t been lying when she said she hadn’t seen him. It had been over a month since he’d slept with her. Or anyone else for that matter. He wanted to blame the long hours he had put in at the office, but he had a nagging suspicion it was something else entirely.

“You’re just pissed that the landscapers finish on Sunday,” he said, anger making him too hot in his suit jacket. That was the real reason he had added those insults to his speech tonight. That fucking landscaper who somehow always ended up working with his shirt off.

Katniss frowned. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Your lover won’t be around the house anymore. Will you start meeting him at hotels?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“That asshole. Gale Hawthorne.”

“Oh.” Her smile was smug. She held up her hand at least six inches above Peeta’s head. “Tall, dark, and handsome.”

He grabbed her wrist and crushed it between their bodies. “Are you sleeping with him?”

“No.”

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m not!” She tried to pull away, but she had nowhere to go. He had her trapped between his body and the table.

“So that massage he gave you was just part of their services? Will I find it on the final bill?”

The corner of her lip curled up. He couldn’t tell if it was the start of a sneer or a smile. “I knew that made you jealous.”

“It didn’t make me jealous. It pissed me off.”

Yesterday, a strange urge to spend time with her had sent him home during lunch. He knew how bored she was when she had no volunteering scheduled. When he’d arrived, he’d found her in front of the pool, lounging on her stomach in the tiny orange bikini he had picked out for her to wear on their honeymoon. Gale knelt at her side, an open bottle of sunblock on the ground. Peeta couldn’t find a streak of sunblock on his fiancée’s back. Gale had rubbed it in well.

As soon as he cleared his throat, Gale sprang to his feet, but Katniss had merely looked up and greeted Peeta as if another man’s hands hadn’t just been all over her.

“You know the contract states--”

She cut him off. “Yes. I know the contract says you can continue fucking whoever you want while I have to live like a goddamn nun for two and a half years.”

It was unfair to expect her to remain faithful when he saw whomever he pleased, but this was the world he lived in. The wife stayed home, pretended not to notice, while the men did whatever they liked. He didn’t want to get married. He was only twenty-eight, and he enjoyed being a bachelor.

“I liked flirting with him,” she said. “And he liked staring at me in a bikini. We never did anything more than that massage.”

“Would you have if I hadn’t come home?”

“No, Peeta. I’m not going to break that contract. No matter how much of an asshole you are.”

This wasn’t a new insult. Hell, she had called him that a few minutes ago when they first came into the room. But for some reason, in that moment, it stung. He had given her everything, but she couldn’t stand him.

“Why do you stay if you’re so miserable?” he asked.

“Because you sign my sister’s tuition checks.”

Finally, he let go of her wrist, but instead of backing away, he placed his hands on the table, one on either side of her.

Her gaze dropped down to his lips then back up so quickly, he wondered if he imagined it.

“Right. I forgot about the whole martyr older sister thing.”

“You wouldn’t understand. You hate your brothers.”

He didn’t mind Graham who had zero interest in the company. Rye was a different story. It was actually his fault that Peeta was in this mess in the first place. Peeta was more intelligent, more capable, and infinitely more charming, but their father had originally tapped Rye to take over as CEO. Mr. Mellark claimed Rye was “more stable.” Peeta liked to party, liked to go out with a different woman every week, and Mr. Mellark worried he wouldn’t take the position seriously.

Enter Katniss Everdeen, the bartender Peeta had met while on vacation in California. It wasn’t enough to have a steady girlfriend or even a fiancée. He had to marry her and prove to his father and the rest of his family that he was capable of commitment. Rye still sat on the Board of Directors, and he was less than thrilled with their father’s decision. If he found out that Katniss was a fake, if he suspected anything was amiss, Peeta could lose everything.

To be fair, Katniss had never said or done anything to risk Peeta’s position. Yeah, she was rude and sarcastic, but everyone knew she didn’t come from money. No one expected her to fit in.

“So you’re doing all this for your sister?” Peeta asked. “Such a sacrifice.”

“I spent half my childhood in unwashed clothes that barely fit. I spent it hungry and angry, and I did everything I could to shield Prim from the worst of it. Now that I have the chance for a lifetime of financial security for me, Prim, and her future family, of course I’m going to take it.”

Peeta didn’t know what to say. Katniss had alluded to a rough childhood, but she had never given him any details.

“Prim’s future family?” he asked, deciding to ignore the rest for now. “Not yours?”

“I’m never getting married. Not for a second time, at least.”

He wanted to ask why, but he knew she wouldn’t say. When they first met, she had brushed off his attempts at conversation, uninterested in a guy that frequented a strip club. But as the night wore on, he paid less attention to the stage and more attention to the gorgeous brunette who kept supplying him with Jack and Cokes. When he returned the next night, she had been happy to see him.

That was the worst part. She had liked him in the beginning. Everything changed when he gave her that contract. She’d been closed off ever since.

“I’m not going to Cashmere’s,” he said. “This week or any week.”

“Maybe Glimmer then?” she asked. “Clove’s been eyeing you too.”

He narrowed his eyes, annoyed that he was trying to be honest with her, and she was acting like a brat.

“You’re jealous,” he said.

“Of those women? Not a chance.”

“No, you’re jealous that I can have fun and you can’t.” He slid his knee between her legs. For whatever reason, she let him. “Is this why you’re so cranky? No one to get you off?”

“I bought a hundred and fifty dollar vibrator with your credit card,” she said with a smug smile. “I’m all set.”

“Get on the table.”

“Is that a command?”

He squeezed her hip and she hopped up onto the table, her dress riding up her thighs. He yanked her forward until she was pressed against him.

“What are you doing?” She tried to look annoyed, but she had already hooked her foot around his leg.

“I thought I could help.”

“Sorry. Rich, blond assholes aren’t my type.”

“Weird. Brunettes with smart mouths are mine.”

He hiked her right leg up around his waist. She watched his hand disappear beneath her dress.

“Oh.” The noise escaped his mouth involuntarily. “You’re not wearing underwear.”

“Can’t have pantylines,” she said. “My fiancé’s the new CEO. I don’t want to embarrass him.”

He ran a finger over her lips, surprised at how wet she was. She had an amazing poker face. He never would have guessed she was as turned on as him.

When he reached her clit, she gasped and closed her eyes, her head falling back. He leaned into the table, his pants growing uncomfortably tight, and kissed her neck.

“Do you want this?” he asked.

He slid a finger inside her and bit down her earlobe.

“Katniss, tell me what you want.”

When she remained silent, he yanked his hand away. She squeezed her legs around his waist to keep him from walking away.

“Touch me,” she said.

He grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her into a fierce kiss, their first without an audience. She tasted like the red wine she’d been nursing all night, sweet and bitter all at once. She shoved his suit jacket off his shoulders and wrapped her arms around him. When he yanked on her hair to force her head up, she bucked against him. He kissed a trail along her neck as he pulled the straps of her dress down. With one final tug on the bodice, the dress slipped down her stomach, revealing a tiny strapless bra.

She unhooked it herself and dropped it on the ground. It was all the permission he needed. He cupped the back of her head before lowering her onto the table. Finally, after an entire night of staring at her chest, after months of wondering how they’d feel in his hands, he palmed her left breast and lowered his mouth over the other.

She moaned as he sucked on her nipple, his teeth just grazing the sensitive bud. The back of her feet dug into his ass as she tried to pull him closer. He was two seconds away from climbing on top of her when she abruptly sat up. Her cheeks flushed, her updo ruined, he couldn’t remember a moment when she’d been more beautiful.

She unbuckled his belt and slid it out of the first loop of his dress pants. He grabbed her wrist, and she stopped.

“This is what I want,” she said.

His mouth was back on hers, his belt halfway off, when someone knocked on the door. She froze. Peeta turned around.

“Mr. Mellark?” asked an unfamiliar voice. “Are you in there?”

Peeta cleared his throat. “Is there something you need?”

“I’m sorry to bother you, sir, but your father’s been looking for you.”

“Thank you. Let him know I’ll be right there.”

He plucked Katniss’s bra off the floor and handed it to her. Using a little more force than necessary, she pushed him away with her foot. She slid off the table and hooked her bra back into place.

He could practically see the wheels turning in her head as she adjusted her dress. He couldn’t tell what’d she decide, what she’d regret.

“I’m not putting those heels back on,” she said.

“Fine. Walk around barefoot. Everyone knows you have no manners.”

She narrowed her eyes. “But I’d hate to embarrass you in front of your mistresses. That wouldn’t be very classy of me.”

They stared at each other. Something important had shifted between them, but he couldn’t read her expression.

“Let’s make a deal,” he said. “You be a good girl for the rest of the night, and I’ll use my mouth when we get home.”

She yanked on her heels and curtsied. “I hate you,” she said with a wide, fake smile.

He took the chance and kissed her. Instead of pushing him away as he feared she would, she leaned into him and kissed him back. He nearly sighed with relief.

“I know,” he said, letting her go. “Fix your hair before you come back out. You’re a mess.”

She swept past him in her disheveled state, right out the door and into the ballroom. He wanted to be annoyed, but he was too turned on. As he pulled on his suit jacket and fixed his belt, he imagined her in his bed, fisting the sheets as he went down on her. He wanted to watch her fall apart, hear the two syllables of his name break on her tongue.

Then, he wanted to bury himself inside of her.

He thought he had been prepared for this. He had been so careful when he drew up that contract, certain he’d get to maintain his bachelor lifestyle while finally taking control of his father’s company.

He wasn’t certain of anything anymore. The only thing he knew for sure was that for better or for worse, he and Katniss were stuck with each other for the next two years.

He looked forward to it.

#everlark #i wrote this

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juleswolverton-hyde · 7 years

Text

The Wolf and the Cat

A happy face stares back at me from the screen upon which I opened some kind of social media platform, one of many, in my browser. It belongs to the girl I once called mine and that fact hits me hard. She left me for another, a guy I do not trust at all. But it does not matter anymore. I am not supposed to care, now that we broke up.

Dread clings to me and in an effort to fight it I shut the laptop off before moving to sit on the edge of the bed, lighter in hand. That small ember somehow calms me each time I see it. Perhaps it is the control I have over it, one sure thing in this miserable hell called life. She was the only light in it, but it has dimmed. There is nothing left.

On the bedside table my phone goes wild and almost buzzes itself off of it. After having put the flame out for now, I pick up with a numb feeling and having no desire to talk to anyone. ‘Min Yoongi,’ I initiate the conversation with the person on the other side, not having bothered to check the name on the display. Details are the least of my concern.

‘Yoongi? Are you okay?’ Jin’s worried voice replies to the melancholic greeting. After a moment of silence and getting no answer from me, he knows what I have been doing. ‘You’ve been looking at pictures of her, haven’t you?’

Reluctantly I confirm that statement. It is all I have been doing these days, missing her more and more with every new image she puts online. ‘It’s not healthy, I know that, but I miss her.’

Even though she cheated. I need her.

‘Yoongz, you need to go out for a bit. Listen, my new boss and her daughter arrived in town and they need help setting up the bakery. Can you come and lend a hand? It will do you good to get out of the house. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find a friend in Scarlet. She’s really nice for as far as I can tell.’

The prospect of having to deal with new people, especially a new girl, is one I would rather dismiss. I cannot afford to be hurt again. ‘No. You know I don’t like strangers.’

‘Please? If we don’t get things running, they’ll have to go back to England and I won’t have a job.’

‘Don't try to trick me into guilt. Find another way to make money.’

‘Come on, hyung. Don’t be like this.’

‘Like what?’ I growl at the second in command in our pack.

‘So stubborn and sitting in your room in desperation. You’re stronger than that, you’re a fighter. I’ll be by your side, so you won’t be alone.’

‘Thanks, but I still refuse.’

‘Suga, please come. I promise you won’t regret it and be able to forget everything for a while. You simply need something to do, a new focus.’

His persistence knows no bounds and thus annoys me greatly, but he will not shut up until I give in. There is only one way this can go. ‘You will have to do the dishes for a whole month, you hear me?’

‘Does that mean yes?’ The joy in his way of speaking is barely contained.

I roll my eyes, regretting and thinking it over already. ‘Fine, I’ll come.’

‘Awesome! I’ll be home soon to change clothes. After that we can head out together.’

‘Jin hyung?’

‘Yes?’

‘I bloody hate you.’

A hearty wind-wiper laugh resonates in my ear. ‘See you soon.’

‘Yeah.’ With that as my goodbye I hang up. I reach for the lighter once more, thinking about what Jin proposed.

Maybe you’ll find a friend in Scarlet.

I highly sincerely doubt that. She is probably just one more face in the ocean of many, nothing extraordinary. On top of that she will also likely work on my nerves.

Good God, let her not be like Hoseok. I can tolerate him, but that is merely due to him being my best friend. A girl with a similar personality is plain hellish.

The fear of meeting this mysterious person and her mother grows in my gut as I regard the controlled flame. It no longer provides any calmth, only chaos.

***

On the way to the bakery I nervously clench and unclench my fists or fumble with my fingers. When we come to a halt in front of a metal staircase Jin puts a hand on my shoulder. ‘It’ll be fine, hyung. Let me do the talking.’

I nod in gratitude and follow him up the stairs to the door to the apartment above the store. In the short amount of time before it is opened I put on a mask once more to hide the discomfort. I will only see them once and then never again, so I do not have to make too much of myself known. Besides, it functions as a sort of shield when I am in an unfamiliar environment and that feeling of safety relaxes me.

The door gets opened by the daughter and immediately I see she is not what I thought she would be. She is a few centimetres shorter than I am, has semi-long hair that has a balayage going from brown to a blonde colour that is very reminiscent of caramel and cat-like green eyes, although that can also be because of her eyeliner. They take me in and try to understand, see past the façade.

‘Scarlet, this is Yoongi,’ Jin introduces me to Amanda’s daughter.

I shift my weight from one foot to the other, though it feels kind of awkward. ‘Hi,’ is all I manage to say under her researching gaze.

‘Nice to meet you, I’m Scarlet,’ she introduces herself, her voice sounding pleasantly.

I nod, not knowing what else to say. Curse this entire situation. I want to go home and compose, but I cannot leave my friend hanging. In an effort to continue the conversation, I bring up the topic for which we initially came. ‘Heard you need some help installing.’

‘Yeah, some ovens and fridges. Those kinds of things.’

‘Alright, I think I can do that.’ I try to emit an air of confidence, hiding away the fact that I am more than glad to be able to do anything without anyone’s attention. When she looks away I let the mask fall apart a bit, showing the world my true face. Playing a role non-stop is exhausting, but sadly necessary.

‘Um, Scarlet, shall we get to work?’ Jin asks her as he sees she is mentally somewhere else and drifting further away. She startles when she notices his voice. ‘Are you okay?’

Ever the motherly figure. However, a sense of worry grows in me as well, being all too familiar with this demeanour and being guilty of it too. Nobody should have to live with this crippling darkness and for some kind of reason I especially want to protect her from it.

She is just a girl, Suga. Everyone has their problems. Don’t concern yourself with hers. You will never see her again anyway.

‘Yeah, I’m fine. Just spacing out for a bit. Sorry,’ she apologizes sheepishly with a fake smile that looks uneasy.

‘Okay,’ Jin replies, in spite of clearly wondering as to what she is truly thinking and feeling. Nevertheless he lets it rest and walks ahead to the living room.

‘Keep your thoughts in check,’ I say as I walk past her, letting the irritation of her already creeping in my mind speak out. She must be kept at bay before she gets too close.

No one can find out.

***

Scarlet, Jin and I are completely focused on the task at hand when we are painting the living room. Well, I am the only person who actually does anything since the other two are goofing around. I cannot see what happens behind my back, but suddenly I receive a smear of granite brown on my cheek as a paint brush is being dragged across it accidentally by Jin. Scarlet delivers a spray of white paint when she tries to defend herself from the broad-shouldered guy by swishing a brush in his direction in an attempt to scare him off. A futile action, of course.

When I lock gazes with her, perchance a bit annoyed at the mess, she tenses up. Yet, when I show her a revengeful grin, she looks at me daringly as if to say ‘Give it your best shot’.

Courage building up, I remark. ‘Look at this mess. You’re supposed to paint the walls, not me. You’ll regret it though.’

‘Oh, snap, Scarlet. You’re in for it now,’ Jin chuckles, knowing how competitive I can get.

‘And did you honestly think you would come out of this unscathed?’ I point an accusing finger at him. ‘Don’t think so, hyung.’

What ensues is a marvelous war of colours and laughter. He was right, I need this distraction. I will not lie, I am having a blast at the moment and genuinely smiling for the first time in forever. Strangely enough it is not because of my flatmate, but because of this strangely interesting girl with caramel hair and intriguing green eyes who I just met.

‘Alright, I give up. You win, gentlemen,’ Scarlet surrenders after fighting bravely and puts down her weapons.

I look at Jin. ‘Just you and me now.’

‘Nah, I think I’ll beg for mercy,’ he replies, thus making me the victor.

Good thing we managed to not damage all the hard work we had done beforehand or we would be here for a couple more hours, something I want to avoid at all costs.

‘Seeing as we’re done here, let’s go downstairs and start working on the shop.’ She apparently does not mind we are all covered in paint as we go to the bakery for the next job, or purposefully ignores it.

A woman of a similar height to her daughter with chestnut brown eyes and short light brown hair with a diagonal lock that has been styled to cover a part of her forehead regards us with big eyes as we enter. This must be Scarlet’s mother. ‘What has happened?’

We all exchange glances with a devious smile, very recent memories of paint resurfacing. ‘Just a little accident,’ Scarlet answers innocently, almost bursting out into laughter again. I will not mind if she does. The sound of it makes me happy.

Wait, what am I doing? It is mere laughter. Piano music makes me happy, not this. I hate it when people laugh out loud, but why can I listen to hers all day? No, I need to stop thinking of her. It is infuriating.

And although I want to I cannot, making the annoyance greater.

What is she doing to me?

‘Okay,’ Amanda replies thoughtfully, not buying her daughter’s excuse. ‘Try to keep accidents to a minimum. Alright, back to work.’

Jin and I pick up a brush each and look at Scarlet with a promise of another battle. Silently she makes clear we have to behave, though it is tempting to ignore the warning.

Nevertheless, we behave like the well-raised guys we are and seriously try to get the job done.

But my attention is not entirely there, as it keeps wondering who our new acquaintance really is.

***

After lunch the first machines get delivered to the bakery. When the last giant box is put in the bit of free space that is left, the kitchen resembles a life-like version of Tetris. Amanda looks thrilled as she rubs her hands together. ‘Let’s get installing, lads.’

Scarlet, who is standing besides me and smelling of the caramel macchiato she had with her lunch, casts a sideways glance at me. ‘She means you,’ she teases cutely. Man, what on earth is she making me do? When did I get brave enough to be comfortable with speaking to unknown persons?

‘Fine by me,’ I reply nonchalantly, glad I get an opportunity to figure some things out without any disturbances.

‘Scarlet, I meant everyone,’ the boss corrects her, crossing her arms.

‘I know, I know. However, I don’t think I’ll be of much use. I mean, I barely managed to install my laptop properly.’ Suddenly I imagine her confusedly struggling with digital programs in an attempt to get her laptop to work, an overall adorable image that makes me feel a strange kind of fuzzy feel. It soon is followed up by more irritation. This thinking pattern has to stop. I just got out of a relation, so the last thing I want is another girl to waltz into my life, get me to love her only to abandon me afterwards. No, I do not want to give her that chance.

But maybe she is different? Stop, dammit! She will be no exception, so don't expect anything.

‘I’m sure we’ll manage, Amanda.’ Jin’s confidence sounds through once again in his voice as he places a hand on Scarlet’s shoulder, making me wish I had done it in his stead.

‘Sure…’ she answers uncertain.

‘Come on, Scarlet. It won’t be that bad.’

‘What if I mess up?’

I want to reach out, tell her she will be fine, but it takes everything not to do so. Who even is she to me?

‘You’ll have to pay then.’ Amanda allegedly looks sternly at her daughter, but the glint of a tease does not go unnoticed.

‘Since you give me allowance, you still pay for it yourself,’ Scarlet retorts, sticking out her tongue. The action is so endearing it makes my heart melt a bit. Then I remember the girl I once called mine and how she did that once. I fell just as hard for it as I do now.

Man, this caramel girl is driving me insane.

Amanda’s deep sigh pulls me out of my train of thought. ‘True enough. Well, lads, get to it.’

I follow the boss lady to the front of the bakery to install the cash registers. As my hands go on an automatic pilot mode, my mind tries to solve the impossible issues Scarlet presents to me and the Bangtan crew if Jin decides to introduce her to the rest. He will not be that stupid, will he? He knows what is at stake.

Pondering I set to work, but never before has something so simple felt so difficult.

***

At the end of the day, when everything is done and dusted, I return to the kitchen to see how the pink prince and the toffee princess are getting along. It suffices to say I am impressed by what I see when I walk in. All the machines are neatly installed and ready to use.

‘Nice job,’ I say, glancing around the room and trying not to give them the satisfaction of knowing how I truly feel about their ability to properly set up shop. I notice Scarlet’s cat eyes looking at me out of the corner of my eye, so I turn to her and cannot help but tease her a bit. ‘Jin did the installation, didn’t he?’

A pink flush colours her cheeks as she nods in embarrassment. It makes me smile a bit, but when she looks up again I quickly put on the mask once more.

‘She read the instructions to me. Without that, we would not have been able to do this,’ Jin speaks up to defend her. The man can recognize dad jokes, but seriously needs a lesson in sarcasm.

‘True.’ Before she can put more of a spell on me than she already has, I speak out a saving proposal. ‘Shall we go?’

I need some time alone in all peace and quietness to calm down and forget her. If I do not, I am afraid of what the future might hold.

My flatmate looks out the window to the sunset city. ‘Yeah, let’s.’ Before we can move, he does first turn to Scarlet though to say his goodbyes. In spite of knowing I have to do so as well, I notice a slight reluctance as to doing it. Why? Why cannot I not just walk away and leave her behind? ‘I had a blast. I’ll see you later, Scarlet.’

Wait. Later? How does he mean that? Do not tell me he is going to do what I think he is going to do. She must not get involved with us, for all our sakes.

A sense of irritation starts to rise up like so many times this day, but this time it is because of his stupidity and not due to the impossible issues she presents me with. It infuriates me even more he pats her head before moving to the door, because I wish I could do the same without making things weird.

Okay, calm down. Breathe. You'll never see her again. He didn't mean anything with it.

I repeat this over and over in my head as I follow my friend. Yet, as I am one step removed from leaving definitely, I quickly throw a glance over my shoulder at the girl with the gorgeous green eyes and fudge-coloured hair. A weird thought of a chance to see her again and actually become friends with her lightens my mood up and makes me crack a quick smile at her before I close the door behind me.

Yet I know that fantasy will never happen.

‘See? I told you you’d be fine. You seem to get along with Scarlet very well,’ Jin beams as we head towards our flat, where the worthless leader has probably already arrived back at from his trip to the library. The mere mention of her name reminds me of her kindness and all the weird things she makes me feel. Silently I avert my reddening face. Fortunately he is used to me not saying a whole lot, so he does not really mind it if he does not get a reaction out of me. But what is said next chills me to the bone. ‘I’ll introduce her to the others as soon as uni starts in August.’

‘You can’t,’ I blurt out. ‘Think about what you’re risking by that. It’s better for everyone if she stays away.’

He looks at me in puzzlement. ‘Yoongz, she won’t know. Besides, I thought you liked her.’

‘I do. Wait, no, I don’t. Dammit, I don’t know. It’s complicated.’ On one hand I do want to see Scarlet, but on the other I am afraid she will get too close and we will have to run once more. And we cannot do the latter, because there is nowhere left to go. If we are found, it is game over.

Why is the world so damn complex?

An arm around my shoulder. ‘Don’t worry, hyung. I promise nothing shall go wrong.’

There is no use in pursuing and making a case for this topic. It is inevitable she will meet the rest of the Bangtan crew. All we can do is keep up appearances and try to play our roles correctly.

With every step towards our flat and in the days afterwards the anticipation of our reunion grows, but also the terror that comes with it.

I will have to be cold and try to get her out of my head. Making mistakes has not been an option for a long time and I have a feeling Jin’s will do us in.

The coming time shall be painful and full of confusion as I will not be able to escape the girl who drives me crazy.

Scarlet, who are you?

#BTS #BTS ff #fanfiction #BTS fanfiction #Bangtan Seonyeondan #Min Yoongi #Yoongi #SUGA #Kim Seokjin #Seokjin #Jin #ff

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hgfstreamchats · 5 years

Text

Much ado about monkeys

I'm not late! Not in the slightest! hello! Hello there! Thousands? Really? So this isn't some kind of. Zoo fostering program. Nope. It's just a logical extension of the term 'furbaby' This is facial trauma waiting to happen. But... monkeys. I mean, they're not domesticated nah, nah, these little monkeys aren't the face rippers. They ARE The monkeys that can learn to steal and wield weapons tho ......This was supposed to be filler as we all filed in, but the full movie's available. It sounds like EXACTLY the kind of freakshow that's suitable for movie night! Perfect! Tomatoes will wait. They'll wait and they'll like it. You just can't compete with monkeys. I hope it tells us where they're even getting the monkeys.... well, THAT'S not a disturbing sentiment! From someone who cares whether monkeys live or die, no doubt. they're terribly cute but this entire thing is making Twilight Zone music play in my head. Right?

check DailyMotion One second. There's things to skip forward/back ten seconds Either side of the pause button in the middle whyyyy does every other line sound like it's out of the trailer of a horror movie Oh, yeah, it's very important to make sure your PET MONKEY's gender presentation is, uh, socially acceptable For their blankets and stuff Unicron forbid! Because they definitely understand and care about that But he does want an exotic animal to treat as a baby. !!! I mean. I like they're able to satisfy these feelings and are aware of their own limitations. I just. These are the types of monkeys that form monkey gangs in cities? JESUS This is healthy and fine. I mean, literally, there's an epidemic of monkey thieves banding together in some cities She laughs the laughter of the damned. ikr "to make her look more like my daughter" Oh, yeah, I can definitely see the resemblance I can't tell if self-deprecating or worrying ewwwwwwww she IS a monkey, though These monkeys uniformly look upset. they do not comprehend ANY LEVEL of this This certainly looks legitimate. What a depressing environment This is horrifying. HER SMILE IS HORRIFYING If this doesn't feature an attack at some point, I'm rioting. Why do they put them in clothes It's, definitely about making them look more like little people, right? They have fur! HEY! GUESS WHAT! MOST SMALLER MONKEYS ON:Y LIVE UP TO 25 YEARS At which point this charade comes to a merciful end! Well, one of them said her oldest kid was forty-something, so she must be sixty or so herself So it really could be for the rest of her life! could indeed--provided she lives out the maximum lifespan and nothing terrible happens "wow, I can't BELIEVE this restaurant won't let me bring my pet monkey" How dare those diners not want Ebola Reston? An animal psychic. He's eating plastic. I would say go to a vet but honestly I would not expect most vets to deal with exotics. not to mention, how the fuck do you EXPLAIN that you're raising a monkey like a human baby to a strange vet Oh, dear Unicron. ...I think the goy was actually an orang; they don't have tails Actually I have to wonder if they'd try taking them to a doctor-for-humans instead do you... do think doctors have procedure for that? I bet some do I don't like the way the narrator is encouraging this.' The narrator sounds disapproving to me so, the way this tone is set, it equally feels like it could be a horror movie or a feel good movie, so I feel there's going to be some horrible twist in the second half. Oh, yes, please. OH BOY I would give them the ticket just for that. I wonder if the camera crew had anything to do with it. Or if that was a recreation thing Right. Give it frosting. Did they take its teeth out? "six real children" yeah, the narrator knows it's a freakshow I feel like there were other ways to deal with that When Impact grows up and moves out, I know I plan to adopt a small, sentient wild animal and ruin its life. I can't help but think you're thinking about someone specific Be sure to take it to restaurants with you and tell everyone it's your kid, too! If they complain about the smell of organic waste, I'll sue. Ewwwww. I'm trying to settle on which is the most disturbing. whyyyy does she sound so unhinged Was this the last letter she sent before she changed her name and started blocking her calls? Oh, well, then! Amazing. "The plan is to load her up on sedatives and nail her feet to the cage." THIS SEEMS DANGEROUSLY UNREGULATED "it also brings her into contact with children" oh, good! know sometimes they'll take their teeth out and I'm 90% sure that's what's happened here. Jeez, that's depressing ewwwwww That's a joke, right? ...Oh god, it's not a joke But they... aren't training her for that? She's *diaper clad.* I demand a monkey attack! They were very vague about the will. Betcha it says "EVERYTHING TO THE MONKEY" They foreshadowed monkey attacks but did not deliver. Ha! This is fine. To the pit with it, I'm playing the other documentary. I've tasted blood and I *need* more. This is a beautiful train wreck and I can't look away. Oh, here we go! WELP Much better! "companion for life" Okay, phrasing Oh my god Ohhh my god. can't afford a monkey baby Haha, no red flags here! "THIS IS FINE" Somebody call CPS By the Allspark, this is amazing. I love Earth so much. Jesus. It's not just humans who pull this shit either, other animals from other species are on record who prefer to raise other species to their own. A LION of all things kept adopting gazelles. Sounds normal and fine for all parties! OH, no :< "they're basically like infants! infants that can climb and that like to bite and claw and that will freak out about your relationships, and that you will never ever be able to fully communicate with" At least these are outside. yeah, THAT'S what's bothering the monkey about this, being teased. I hope these two end up maimed. See that KINDA makes it sound like.... I mean...... His real family's back in that cage. ..... His...has to... Abandoning "Gilded Earth" was a mistake. Callus. HOrror movie violins There's a case of Hepatitis lurking somewhere in this scene. "yet" "oh, yeah, I figure he's gonna maul me someday" Gotta feel sorry for these kids That's a tiny cage, too Jesus This keeps getting worse. ... "In other words, not goddamn cheetos" The vet's face. Everything about this is awful. Really. I mean, is it really. And I don't even like monkeys. The outpost roof doesn't like monkeys. "no matter what I do to them" jesus goddamnit This is a nightmare. Jesus this almost sounds like an ABYSMAL waste of time and money! You think?! Breakdown's asking what I'm laughing at. Show him! Now he's laughing. Oh, sure, don't listen to the vet, who told you explicitly to stop feeding her people food all the time! Just PRAY. Of course you won't, Spaghetti. This is going to end with at least one dead monkey, isn't it? The vet: "okay, just don't feed her pasta" 2 hrs later: SPAGHETTI TIME And ranch! the MONKEY COMMUNITY is UNDER THREAT. what a TRAGEDY I KNOW right? "it's OUR choice to endanger our children by keeping wild animals" "We need to protect our deity given right to kill as many monkeys as we want!" Sealand. Oh, please, please do this. I beg you. Alright, I know what we're closing out on. Oh my god oh, wait, Ihave one more, lemme see if it's on youtube Hahhahahaha Ewwwwww okay,youtube search, malcolm in the middle monkey jesus first clip at the top god Her face it gets better ....... HAH! God WELL God I do believe you demanded monkey attacks, earlier This is everything I dreamed of and more. Well, this was glorious. That was a wild ride And thank you both for joining me on it! Thank YOU for hosting! how could miss that dumpster fire *how could we It was a dumpster fire to be treasured. Good night! Goodnight! good night!

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ruffoverthinksthings · 7 years

Note

Okay that is almost hilarious to imagine her as "that" mom. I bet she would still kill the others for PTA stuff if that existed. So I guess you can do another post after the Isle one, but what is their marriage like? Fine on the surface, but internally complicated. Or as you said, Tarzan encouraging her "good" side making her seem sweeter than usual.

Sheis, and she threatens but doesn’t actually go through with it, asher children and her husband are incredibly skilled at physicallyholding her down, the magic ban is still in effect on her and shedoesn’t have her staff.

The marriage with Auradon-side La and Tarzan is a mix of actualaffection, constant complaining and arguing about the way things workin Auradon, and a lot of La being confused and terrified of losingher edge.

If I had to summarize it, “it’s as complicated, chaotic, andworrying on the inside as it is on the outside.”

Her Auradon Marriage with Tarzan is similar to a person from anincredibly abusive environment finally learning what it’s like tolive normally for once: to not have to watch your back, to not haveto distrust everyone and assume that they have an ulterior motive, tobe able to actually be vulnerable and not ripped apart.

“I don’t understand!” La cried. “Why did you just let himinsult your honour like that? ‘Uneducated jungle dweller likeyourself’--you should have struck him down where he sat, thebastard! Why would you just let him walk away like that?”

Tarzan just smiles, caresses her cheek, and says, “Because, ‘Theweak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.’A wise man once said that. One who lead a revolution and changed theworld without ever raising his hand up to strike another.”

It’s confusing to La, this peaceful land of compromise,laws, and the common good challenging her very worldview, what sheknows to be true. A lot of her villainy can be attributed to the factthat it was necessary for her to be as cruel and conniving as she wasjust to survive.

Now, she doesn’t need to do any of that. Now, she HAS power inher New Opar, but her people still swear fealty to her by choice,even if there was an element of manipulation. Now she has everythingshe needs without having to fight tooth and claw for it.

And now she has a man, and children who genuinely love her and doeverything in their power to get her to abandon all the Evil in herlife to truly join this new world with them, together.

Having your EVERYTHING fall out from under your feet is never apleasant experience, even if you do land on a bed of soft, sweetflowers.

Onto Isle La, Tarzan, and their Kids and the VK’s:

With the Isle La and Tarzan, It’s a constant interplay of powerand dominance with them, about as “rough” as a “rough”romance gets.

It’s one of those really strange exceptions where a couplefrequently fights in the Gladiatorial Pit, draws blood and seriousinjury often, and yet spends the night lovingly tending to the otherswounds and honestly talking about how much they love the other,complimenting how badly they had hurt the other with a well-timedstrike.

It’s not a HEALTHY relationship by any means, but that’s ararity if not an impossibility on the Isle, and I wouldn’t besurprised if the “Good” Tarzan hardens and becomes a lot wilderto adapt to his new environment.

(Also, La grooms and encourages the “Wild” side of Tarzan likeJane never could.)

He is still kind, generous, and willing to compromise unlike theother leaders, but with the stakes involved I wouldn’t be surprisedif he is a lot more quick to exile people, has very strict standardshe expects you to meet, and is much quicker to resort toviolence--talk is very cheap on the Isle, and the only person he cannegotiate with on a regular basis happens to be Maleficent, and eventhen through her lackeys such as Mozenrath.

Adana is still the warrior of the trio, but this time, Lais much happier with how she turned out. She doesn’t need to askpeople nicely if they want to duel, as there’s always a constantsupply of VK’s and some minor villains always looking to try andreclaim their honour from having (repeatedly, and badly) lost to her.

She’s a lot less virtuous and willing to protect the innocent,and gains a highly xenophobic view of the world, treating“City-dwellers” with suspicion and distrust until they provethemselves strong enough to survive the Badlands, and earn herrespect as a fellow warrior.

Tarzan actually helps encourage this behaviour as it’s necessarywith the viciousness of the animals around them, but still tempersher by telling her never to initiate the first strike unless it’sto defend someone in imminent danger.

Thankfully, the Isle of the Lost is all to eager to earn her irewithout provocation.

Alika is still the administrative heart of the trio, takingcare of all the non-combat needs of the tribe such as healing,agriculture, and dealing with the interplay of Isle Politics, and theodd inter-tribe conflicts back at home. However, she is much moreconniving and cunning, prone to half-truths and very carefully wordedphrases, along with an annoying (to everyone) habit of writing downeverything that is said and frequently getting them to sign claims asdefinitive proof that yes, they said that.

It isn’t as binding as contracts and written statements are inAuradon, but then again, she usually just wants to piss them off andmake them emotional and manipulate them to doing what she wants, andit’s all too easy to forge everyone’s handwiritng.

Abayomi is the link between the Badlands and the urbansides of the Isle, still born with that great ambition, though thistime he’s a much more ruthless and cunning businessman, usually outto undercut everyone if it will serve his tribe better.

He’s the one that takes over the distasteful (to La) task ofnegotiating with Maleficent’s goons and the other city-dwellers forvaluable supplies they can’t produce, like medicine, along withbeing a spy for them to keep tabs on Maleficent, and help procuresome semblance of an education for himself and Alika.

(Adana is still very much your complete, stereotypical jock withan aversion to reading—more so that the quality of books here isworse, and she doesn’t have much of a choice on what she can read.)

With the other VKs, Tarzan takes over as the “Summer CampCounselor” for La with most things. Aside from the fact that thekids genuinely like him better, the feeling is mutual, and they trusthim more as most of La’s achievements were thanks to magic she nolonger has, and Tarzan can still fight and gut an alligator with hisbarehands, and get out of it mostly unscathed, with everyone watchingand (in an incredibly rare twist) be completely, absolutely honestwhen they say it was that crazy and awesome.

Jay still gets the lessons about the nature of power, strength,and how it’s not just the ability to beat everyone into submission(La disagrees, but Tarzan advocates more “high road” tactics),and he looks up to him as his “half-naked, wild-man uncle” thathe looks forward to seeing every summer.

He still ends up being roughly the same by the time he entersAuradon because Jafar is still the primary influence in his life andthe life-lessons, Isle-style for the other three seasons of the year,but with Tarzan’s influence his joining Tourney is a lot lesstumultuous and he turns to “Good” faster.

(He also ends up using Tarzan as a sympathetic figure for gettingmore than just the VKs off the Isle, showing how much of a baddecision it is with someone the Auradons legitimately miss.)

#Of White Apes and Leopard Queens #Descendants #Disney #Headcanon

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crookedmoonlight123 · 7 years

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The Rain Woman

As promised here is Chapter 5! Chapter 6 will be up in about a week!

The Rain Woman - Chapter 5 - As A Rain Drop Cascades

A/N: Thankyou to everyone who reviewed followed and favourited the last chapter! Its so hard to keep the story going at a steady pace! I really want to rush it as I just find the ideas I have for it so exciting! Anyway, enjoy!

Juvia sat across from her mother awestruck, her pale pink lips slightly parted as hers eyes stared into her mothers. “He’s…He’s dead… But why?” She gripped the edge of the table feeling the cool wood press into her now sweaty palms. “And he isn’t, wasn’t Juvias father?” No matter how many times the bluenette said both those sentences, even out loud, it didn’t make them feel them any more real.

Her mother glanced sideways, eyes cast down low. “After you left, I fell apart, you were my baby girl.” She brought her glistening blue eyes back to Juvias steady ones. “I was supposed to protect you from all the evils of the world. And in that I failed.” She reached across the table to cup Juvias hand in her own. “When you left I struggled to function properly. I would find myself aimlessly walking around the house looking for you, or watching other kids play in the fields surrounding the house and I’d be crying. Your step-father I guess he was. He didn’t like my weak display of emotion. But when he realised there was nothing he could do to snap me out of my depression, he took his own life. He hung himself. It was strange. It was like we were two strangers living under one roof. He did realise what a monster he had become though. When he stumbled upon our old happy photos. I think that was the turning point for him. Realising what he had become.” Juvias mother stared at her daughter waiting for a response.

“Juvia does have vague memories of him being happy… but he was such a angry character Juvia wondered if maybe she had dreamt it. He always hated Juvia so much and Juvia never understood why, what Juvia did wrong.” Juvia sighed, her eyes feeling hot, she had to remember her mother had been through hell and back aswell.

“He was so charming when we fell in love and when I had you he was overjoyed he had a baby girl. Until he realised you weren’t his. It was my fault he hated you Juvia. But your real father was such a whirlwind romance.” She gave Juvias hand a squeeze.

“How did you meet Juvias real father?” Juvia words were so calmly spoken. In fact she felt oddly calm like she hadn’t really processed everything yet.

“Well I was on a short vacation on my own, it was sort of a work thing. I was studying the rare flowers that had been blooming in the warm south climate of Fiore. The flowers responded so beautifully to my magic blooming bigger and more colourful, but they lacked something. Then out of the corner of my eye there was a very handsome young man, with the most gorgeous blue hair, darker than an eggshell blue but not quite a sky blue, despite the heat he was wearing a very well fitted pale grey almost white suit, he was fresh shaven and the way he looked at the flowers showed a gentleness I’d never seen before, he treated them so delicately for a man of such a muscular frame, it was like he too could feel the flowers energies. I couldn’t help but feel drawn to him, so I slowly approached him, tilting my sunhat and nervously fiddling with the hem of my white summer dress which was patterned with navy blue flowers. As he turned to look at me I thought I recognised his face somewhere, and of course I asked him what he was doing here. Turns out he too had been asked to examine the plants, he didn’t have any plant magic but he enjoyed studying them, he was in fact a water mage. The most powerful water user known, having come from a long line of water mages. I remembered seeing him featured in a flower magazine for being able to help flowers grow in the most desolate and harshest environments. We got talking and it was obvious there was some kind of spark between us, or maybe it was just the heat, but before long we had combined our magic and the whole botanical garden was blooming like never before, even the foliage and grass was greener and richer, the bark on the trees was healthy, the flowers were large, colourful, giving off more scent and the water droplets around us were shimmering like a thousand tiny crystals as they caught the sunlight, it was magical to say the least.” Juvias mother eyes were sparkling. “Of course being caught in the moment meant one thing led to another and you were conceived. I was torn. I loved your real father but I also loved the man back home. I had to stay for work for a few months and that’s what I did, getting to know your father along the way and growing slightly suspicious of him too, it wasn’t long before I realised I was pregnant with you when I went to nurse complaining about being sick for over a month, another month passed and it was getting harder to conceal my small bump, I still kept you as my secret and each day I could feel you growing stronger. One day I peeked into one of your fathers board meetings, he was drowning an older man in his own water magic, I knew there was something off about him despite his loving charms so I fled back home as fast as I could, to the arms of a man I knew, raising you as our own. He was however always suspicious of your blue hair. At an unusually early age you were using water magic to change the temperature of the bath, the rain, making columns of water at local ponds scaring all the villagers, your powers were incredible. Again this caused suspicion, I was a ’plant magic user’ and he had no magic of his own, I tried to brush it off by saying that we have watermages in my family, which was true but he didn’t believe me. Then he happened to stumble across a photo of me and your father in my bedside drawer, he saw the same blue hair and the water magic, your father was showing off in the photo, he confronted me and I couldn’t deny it, I told him that it didn’t matter, that he had raised you as his own. He wouldn’t listen all he could see was red. All he could see in you was me cheating on him. That was when it all really started. The anger and violence. I tried to get you out the house as much as possible with nursery and other kids groups, but your magic power was stronger than you could handle. You’d flood bathrooms when you cried, if you got angry you whip up a small tsunami out of a pond. You couldn’t be near large volumes of water. The first time you saw him hit me you cried and screamed and the heavens opened. It didn’t stop raining until the day you rain away. He said you were cursed.”

Juvia sat trying to take all the information in. She was the child of a love affair, and what seemed to be a cruel but charming man. Another water user. They were few and far between. “So where is Juvias real father?” Juvias voice was barely a whisper.

“He doesn’t know you exist. As far as I know. Especially with your new name.” Her mother responded just as quietly. Juvias mind whirred around and around. Could Juvia have had a better life with a different father? A water user like her? One who would’ve understood her powers? Glancing up at the small antique clock to her left Juvia noted that hours had passed. It was gone midday. “What made you return Juvia?” Her mothers voice was full of curiosity. “And with no more rain, who found your sunshine?” Another question flew into the muddled of words and tangle of emotions in Juvias brain as her brain focused on one word.

“Gray-sama…” Juvias heart pounded as a wave of nausea washed through her like a flood. “He took away Juvias rain.” Juvia glanced out the window into the beaming sunshine causing her to squint. “Juvia needs some air.” Juvia spoke hurried and she stumbled out the kitchen, down the hallway into the fresh air allowing the coolness of it to calm her thoughts and cool her hot prickly skin. Before she knew it her feet were pounding their way down the drive on their own, her boots clicking on the tarmac, the smell of asphalt and the surrounding rose bushes filling her nose, she was panicking, all her senses were heightened. The watermage fumbled for the lacrima crystal in her pocket, finally retrieving it as she tried to get through to the Master. The little crystal was fuzzing and misty as it tried to connect, Juvia had now wandered into the main street, listening to the sounds of the townspeople laughing and talking, they were probably people she’d met when she was still young, when she had been labelled dangerous. Finally the smoke cleared in the ball and the Masters face appeared.

“Ah Juvia! I was wondering when I would hear from you.” Juvia heard some commotion behind him.

“Yes Master. Expect Juvias return no later than this evening. Juvia has dealt with her family business.” The Master mumbled something as Juvia severed the connection. As far as she was concerned, she had no need to make contact with her father, he didn’t know she existed after all. She’d say farewell to her mother and head back to the guild. This town still left a bad taste in her mouth.

“You came.” A sly voice rang out loudly making Juvia jump, dropping the lacrima crystal out her sweaty palms, Juvia watching as it smashed to the floor in front of her. Juvia spun around ferociously, unleashing a water cane at the suspicious character behind her hitting her mark.

“STAY AWAY FROM JUVIA!” She shouted at the cloaked man, the same one from before. “Juvia now knows who her father is. Juvias mother is fine and now Juvia will return back to the guild.” Juvia spoke her words with desperation readying another attack.

“You need to come with me Juvia Lockser.” He spoke very calmly for some who was just knocked off his feet by a water cane. “I am under orders to not hurt you. So I advise you come with me.” He took a defensive stance his face still hidden under his hood.

“Juvia will not.” Juvias eyes turned into slits. “Water lock!” The cloaked figure was engulfed in a dome of cold water. Only seconds passed before her water lock was broken by an air attack cutting through it like a hot knife through butter.

“You really think they’d send an unequipped mage?” He chuckled. “If that’s how you want to deal with the situation. Then on your head be it.” He smirked at her as he pressed something in his pocket. The adrenaline was still pumping through Juvias body as he disappeared into thin air. Juvia was reeling even more than before as her blue locks flew about in the wind that had just picked up. What did he mean ‘then on your head be it’ Juvia wondered as she decided to pursue her previous walk around town to try and calm down. The village was of a simple lay out, all the shops; the butchers, grocers, bakery, clothes and even a magic shop were all on the main street with a few houses dotted here and there. The street was made of old uneven cobble stones, making it hard to walk, thank mavis she didn’t wear high heels. As she turned down a few dead end streets she noticed that each house had a small garden out front and a slightly bigger one out back. Each house was surrounded by a small stone wall adding to the villages overall charm. Down one dead was a school or nursery, kids were playing in the playground out front, a still pond was set off to one side surrounded by a tall fence with a padlocked gate so no children could accidentally venture in and drown themselves, not even a ripple danced on the surface. Looking closer at the pond a memory stirred in the back of her mind. The one that her mother had mentioned about her losing control and creating a mini tsunami. She couldn’t believe she had done that. At such a young age. Juvia had been scared of her magic for such a long time. She had involuntarily caused suffering by not being able to control it. Even now she wasn’t sure on its true extent.

As Juvia rejoined the main street, she began to make her way back to her house, as she rounded a corner and the driveway came into view a large explosion snapped Juvias attention upwards, her heartbeat erratic. It had come from her house. Pounding the asphalt she tore up the driveway faster than she would have ever imagined possible. As she neared she saw the front door had been blown off its hinges. Mother! Please be okay. Juvia thought desperately as she stormed into the house which was in complete disarray. The soft pink sofas had been flipped upside down and the little coffee table smashed. Juvia hurried upstairs which appeared to be untouched. The kitchen. Juvia cursed herself for not checking it earlier. Sprinting back down the stairs and down the hallway into the kitchen she noticed that half of it where the back door had been was now blown up, her cheeks flushed red in anger as she surveyed the room pots and pans were strewn around the room, the kitchen table split down the middle and what appeared to be blood smeared the floor. Running into the back garden Juvia froze, her hands covering her mouth at the sight. She always remembered the care and attention her mother had given her garden, it wasn’t just neat, it was always so colourful and peaceful, it didn’t matter how bad a day you were having her garden always put a smile on your face. But now, the gardens flowers beds had been torn up, her mothers precious flowers trashed and thrown across the lawn which had huge lumps missing out of it. The potted plants had been smashed to. Juvia hoped her mother hadn’t had to see her poor garden like this.

“You should’ve come with us when you were asked nicely little water witch.” Someone sneered behind her, Juvias muscles coiled up ready to spring. A largely built man stood before her, his hair a fiery red, so were his eyes.

“What have you done with Juvias mother!” Juvia shouted at him, her eyes a hard blue, teeth gritted, fists balled at her sides. “Water lock!” She tried to engulf him in her water lock. If he wasn’t a wind user then he couldn’t escape. If he was she would have to switch to plan B.

“Storm mail!” The enemy engulfed himself in wind sending him spinning into the sky. “Storm shred!” He roared, sending sharp arrows of wind flying into Juvia who screamed in pain as they tore through her clothes and slashed at her skin.

“Waterbody!” She managed to shift to avoid the full force of the attack. “Reverse water nebula!” She fired two columns of spinning water into the wind user, the columns were spinning the opposite way to the wind slowing him down as she cranked up the power.

“Impossible!” He shouted as she negated his wind defence.

“Water slicer!” Juvia threw razor sharp blades of water at her opponent, relaxing slightly as they hit.

“Rock avalanche.” A cool voice behind her spoke as a shadow engulfed Juvia blocking out the sun. Juvia looked up a few seconds to late as massive boulders came hurtling towards knocking her unconscious.

A/N: Well I’m ended chapter 5 here! I hope you enjoyed it! I promise you all some Gruvia soon!! Definitely Grays POV for some of next chapter!

Read and review!

CrookedMoonlight.

Unfortunately the italics dont cross over from works word processor, i used to be able to bypass MS Word so i could copy and paste from that as the italics stayed.... apologies for that!

Please leave a review -> https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12261807/5/The-Rain-Woman

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edmondmoller · 6 years

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How Your Gut Flora is Keeping You Awake at Night Holistic Sleep Solution

New Post has been published on https://womanshealthwithmegan.com/how-your-gut-flora-is-keeping-you-awake-at-night-holistic-sleep-solution

How Your Gut Flora is Keeping You Awake at Night Holistic Sleep Solution

When sleep works well, we enjoy the time of rest and wake up without an alarm feeling refreshed and ready to start the day.

On the flip side, not being able to sleep causes frustration at night, impaired cognitive function, hyper alertness, cardiological and neurological decrease in function and mortality, mental health issues(1) immune system hinderance (2), obesity (3), and more. In our children lack of enough sleep can have harmful effects on mood, behavior, performance, social function, and physical health. (4)

Sleep is something that we know we, and our children, need – when we don’t sleep well, we just plain don’t feel good!

Our developmental pediatrician offering my toddler (she was TWO!) prescription sleep medication is what solidly pushed me away from trying to find answers in conventional medicine for her needs and prompted me to get serious about natural alternatives.

Jump ahead: Problems associated with poor sleep Conventional Medications Sleep Solution Video Sleep Hygiene Gut-Health Connection Supplements References

We now have a balanced blend of natural and conventional medical usage, and I was able to solve sleep her problems without a prescription.

Lack of sleep and family life

Lack of sleep can not only be harmful to our health, it can overwhelmingly consume every part of every day. Children who are well rested respond better to their parents’ instructions, are less prone to meltdowns, and generally more pleasant to be around.

Consistent bedtimes give parents some much-needed down time at the end of the day, and offer a predictable routine rather than uncertainty. On the inverse, when we have children who can’t sleep, and we don’t know how to help them, it can be absolutely disheartening. Often these children are exhausted, emotional, and want to sleep, but just can’t.

Even if the parents don’t have sleep issues, having a child with sleep issues is depressing for the entire family. If the parents also suffer from sleep trouble, this can be a double whammy.

Addressing sleep is just as important as nutrition for our physical and emotional well being.

Conventional Sleep Solutions

Doctors and other medical professionals recognize the need for adequate sleep, just as they recognize the need for adequate nutrition. The solutions provided often only solve mild problems or cover up the symptoms with prescriptions that don’t address the root of the problem.

Good Sleep Hygiene

Most sleep books, especially for babies and children focus on sleep hygiene. Good sleep hygiene means that you change your routine and environment to facility your body’s natural ability to go to sleep.

Suggestions typically include:

Blackout shades on the windows in the bedroom. A consistent bedtime every evening. A consistent wakeup time every day. A consistent and calming bedtime routine. No screens late in the day, limiting blue light. Only use bed for sleeping (not watching TV or even reading). Adequate exercise earlier in the day. Limiting or eliminating caffeine. Background noise to calm.

The problem with sleep hygiene is that it often isn’t enough, especially when there is a microbiome (gut flora) imbalance.

Sometimes parents will fall into the guilt trap of thinking that the reason their kids don’t sleep is because their bedtime routine isn’t good enough. Placing the blame back on the parents for what actually is a gut-health issue isn’t helpful or productive.

We talk about sleep hygiene and specifically how it helps our body train our sleep hormones in the Holistic Sleep Solution video.

Watch The Holistic Sleep Solution in video format

(In the video above you can skip around to what you want to to hear about by clicking on the time stamps in the description.)

Download the healthy sleep checklist with all 3 parts of this series in one easy checklist

Sleep Medications

1 in 8 adults over the age of 20 report using prescription sleep aids (source). Prescriptions are up 50% in the last decade for those over age 20 and have tripled in the amount they are prescribed to ages 18-26.

Common medications prescribed for sleep include: Trazadone,Benzodiazepines, Doxepine, Eszopiclone, Ambian, and antihistomines.

Side effects associated with these medications can include everything from anaphylaxis, facial swelling, being unable to operate heavy machinery the next day due to grogginess, strange nighttime behavior such as making phone calls or even driving without remembering it, increased bedwetting, addiction, respiratory failure (source), falling the next day (source) and even increased risk of stroke (source) and cancer (source).

There are further links between prescription sleeping pills and increased mortality, but this may be an inverse link – people who are chronically unhealthy (which we well talk about in the Gut Health section), even mildly, may have trouble sleeping be one of their first symptoms and be prescribed sleeping pills more often.

Behavioral Medications

Off-label use of behavioral and antihistamine medications is common for children with sleep disorders (source).

Do medications even work?

Medications like Lunesta, Ambien, and Sonata are shown to be more effective than a placebo, but only marginally so. For example, of the categories of medications studied, they show they only shorten the time it takes to fall asleep by 7-20 minutes, yet also are strongly linked with the side effects talked about above. (source) When measured by polysomography, there was no suggested reduction in nighttime or early wakings when compared to a placebo.

In addition, in the studies compiled above, the majority of studies received funds from private sources (51/56), suggesting that negative results were less likely to be published. Thus, the true estimate of efficacy may be lower than the estimate calculated in the current analysis. (source)

Sleep medications in children are grossly under-studied, so prescription sleep aids in children is largely not evidence-based. (source)

A small study showed that routine diphenhydramine hydrochloride (Benadryl), as is often suggested for use in infants and young toddlers was not an effective long-term sleep aid, so much so that they chose to cut the study short (source). If medications aren’t even working, or have side effects that are completely undesirable, what do we do?

Because sleep is so important for our body, mind, and social interactions, today we’re going to look at a seldom talked about, but common cause of trouble sleeping – poor gut health.

How does our gut health affect our sleep?

The natural flora (microbiome) in our gut has been shown to affect quality and duration of sleep (source). Part of the reason that people with gut dysbiosis (disrupted gut flora) have a hard time sleeping is that their digestive tract is not processing toxins out as well as it should, so these toxins are in the bloodstream, making their way up to the brain, and can alter mental status enough that the brain can’t facilitate sleep well.

Neurological conditions and sleep

If you’ve talked to a mom that has a child with autism, ADD, or other neurological condition and ask them how their babies slept as newborns and infants, the vast majority of them will have story after story of the crazy things they did to try to get their babies to sleep, without success!

Lack of sleep not only is one of the major predictors of neurological conditions in the future, but lack of sleep can also have a causal relationship of future microbiome imbalance.

What can we do to start healing our gut and sleeping better? Sleep Hygiene

First, good Sleep Hygiene as we talked about above should be set into place. If that is not enough to help us, or our children, fall asleep, we can look into supplements both long-term and temporarily.We may need to try supplements to correct nutrient deficiencies and try to temper the sleeplessness-causing leaky gut and leaky-gut-causing-sleeplessness cycle.

Specific background music can also help our brain waves settle down into a ‘sleep pattern’ more easily.

Supplements

I had good success with True Calm, an amino acid and herb blend (you can find this here). Many people who do not find success with GABA (in True Calm) find that L-Carnosine is helpful. You can find L-Carnosine here. I found this helpful when my 2nd son wasn’t ready to give up his naps but was having trouble falling and staying asleep during the daytime as a toddler.

Tart cherry juice naturally raises melatonin level in the body and can even be taken by breastfeeding mothers for their infants.

Melatonin

Melatonin can be useful to temporarily get the body to associate the bed with sleeping and train sleep hormones (source). It is not shown to be habit forming, and is generally recognized as a safe temporary supplement in the US, being the 4th most commonly taken OTC supplement.

That said, melatonin has been banned as an over-the-counter supplement in many parts of the world. It is still available by prescription. In studies on cats and rodents, earlier-onset puberty and reduced size of sexual organs were associated with long-term use of melatonin, so caution is advised (source). All the pros and cons of melatonin is too much to go into in this article, I’ll work on another covering just melatonin as a sleep aid.

Hopefully it goes without saying, but melatonin is something you need to make your own decision about – some day care centers have been found giving melatonin to the children in their care so that they would sleep more, and that is absolutely illegal and they have gotten in lots of trouble for it.

Melatonin is produced by the body naturally from the amino acid tryptophan and folate (read more about different kinds of folate here) is necessary to turn tryptophan into melatonin. You can get this amino acid from:

Nuts and Seeds (approx 743 mg per cup) Meat including red meat, chicken, turkey, and fish (approx 100 mg per oz) Cheese (approx 754 mg per cup) Oats (approx 315 mg per cup) Supplements (500 mg)

Further gut healing

We also need to make healthy changes to our homes and reduce our toxic load – these are pretty basic steps but can make a big difference in our gut health, and therefor our sleep. Click here to get a free printable checklist for a 30-day plan to get this started in simple steps

Next, we try an elimination diet. It’s so common that removing foods that often are allergy-causing, inflammation-causing, and cause a leaky gut. Removing dairy and/or gluten will most often relieve symptoms drastically. And then we can work our way back to really healing our gut with the GAPS diet. (click here for more information on working backwards to the GAPS diet)

Then once we are stabilized and eliminating common allergens from our diet, we can work on restoring gut flora balance and healing the gut. Most importantly, we clean up the gut.

Gut Healing Starter Package

In my Gut-Healing Starter Pack there are two different tracks to get you on gut-healing success. The first is the quick & easy, and is a 30-day program with minor changes that are often enough to heal minor gut dysbiosis and snowball into vibrant health. The second track, which is more intense, can get to the root of most chronic health conditions using the intense GAPS Diet introduction protocol.

Click here to sign up – you get access to both tracks at once and can use what you want from each plan to meet your needs.

When the gut flora is balanced, we should crave healthy food, get restorative sleep, and feel happy and healthy. Taking the first step to heal the gut really will snowball into better health all around.

Why I talk about gut health so often

Going from the standard American diet to the GAPS diet as a desperate attempt to get my daughter to sleep (watch our story here), I saw how gut health impact every aspect of our lives. When we healed leaky gut and provided our body with the nutrition it needed I saw improvements in our family’s ability to deal with stress (me), attention and focus (everyone), chronic eczema (my boys), and more.

That said, gut health is very important but it is not the only thing that is important.

In addition to providing our bodies with the nutrition it needs and avoiding ingesting things that harm our body, it’s important to cover the emotional and social aspects as well. Feeling our feelings, prioritizing social connections, and being involved in our community all provides the balance needed for healthy fulfilling lives. References: