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young-dumb-and-vaccinated · 3 years

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Idk if your requests are open but could I request a Hannibal x reader who has an emotionally/verbally abusive older sibling. If you're not comfortable or if it's too dark you can ignore this :)

Anon, I had an emotionally abusive older sister figure growing up. I would be fucking honored. I hope you like it!

(Gender neutral) y/n gets some unexpected advice from their new therapist after things got physical with their verbally abusive older sister.

Trigger warnings: verbal and emotional abuse, reactive abuse, mention of suicide, implied use of r-slur

At first, you hated that you had to see a therapist. Just because you were the first one to throw a punch, you were designated the violent one. The unstable one. The one that needed to be straightened out. As if nearly two decades of your sister's completely unchecked psychological torment was supposed to just roll right off your back. But she'd been asking for it since the day she learned to speak, and you both knew it. You only regretted not hitting her harder.

Dr. Lecter's office was spacious, overwhelming and cold. Impeccably decorated, but not so much in the way of welcoming. You couldn't begin to picture yourself opening up to whatever kind of person kept their office as dark and frigid as a morgue.

"My sincerest apologies for making you wait, [F/N]." A low, accented voice greeted you from behind. The man hurriedly strode across the room and took his place behind the desk. "I'm Dr. Hannibal Lecter, it's nice to meet you in person."

Your gaze fell, mostly because the therapist was just as intimidating as the room. "Hi. I'm [F/N] [L/N]. But you already knew that."

"Perhaps we can begin by clarifying why it is you're here?" Dr. Lecter asked. His tone wasn't accusatory, but confused.

You put your hands on your knees and sighed. "I punched my sister in the throat."

"Did she deserve it?"

He probably expected this question to catch you off guard, but you had an answer.

"She did." You nodded.

"Oh?" Dr. Lecter raised an eyebrow. With a look, he urged you to elaborate.

"I had just gotten these new shoes." You began. "These really nice cuffed ankle boots that I've been eyeing for, like, months. And I was wearing them around the house, y'know, to break them in. Well, apparently, she didn't like the sound they made on the hardwood, so she said 'Jesus [F/N], since you clearly crave attention so much, why don't you go kill yourself?'"

"And she said this..." Dr. Lecter narrowed his eyes. "Because your shoes were making noise against the floor?"

"So I was about to say 'sorry' when I realized that I didn't do anything." You continued. "So I just went about my business. When I didn't apologize, she got up into my face and started telling me what a waste of space I was. Then I just decked her."

Dr. Lecter's mouth turned up into a slight grin. He crossed the room and took a knee beside you. "Make a fist for me."

You balled your hand up into a fist, tucking your thumb under your fingers.

"Oh, no. That won't do at all. You're going to dislocate your thumb that way." Dr. Lecter clicked his tongue. "Come now, dear. Give me your hand."

He took your hand and gently guided it into a proper fist, with your thumb awkwardly resting over your fingers.

"There we are." He whispered. "Next time, try that. And if she hits back, don't be afraid to use your nails or teeth."

"Thanks, but," You laughed awkwardly. "I'm pretty sure my mom sent me here so there wouldn't be a next time?"

"Your mother is dreadfully naïve if she thinks there won't be." Dr. Lecter took a seat in the chair across from yours. "She clearly sees no problem that her oldest child is encouraging her sibling to commit suicide."

You leaned back in your chair. "But what about 'violence is never the answer'?"

"I try not to limit my practice with meaningless platitudes." He smiled. "You've heard 'sticks and stones may break my bones'..."

"But chains and whips excite me." You finished, not stopping for a moment to consider if your 50-year-old ambiguously European therapist would understand a reference to Rihanna.

He paused for a moment, then laughed. It was strange to see this six foot tall, terrifying man laugh, but it happened. You did that. "That's not the way I've heard it go."

"I feel so dumb." You threw your head back. "It's a song."

"I have to say, I like that version better." Dr. Lecter said. "The reality is, my dear [F/N], you are only a perpetrator as long as your sister is. What you're engaged in is known as 'reactive abuse'. While it can be dangerous in its own right, it often manifests as a form of self-defense."

"That..." Your voice trailed off. "Actually makes me feel a little better."

"Don't let anyone tell you what you did was unjustified." Dr. Lecter instructed. "And, more importantly, don't tell yourself it was unjustified."

"Thanks." You said, weakly.

“And in the meantime,” Dr. Lecter continued. “You need to make sure when you hit her, you don’t break your fingers in the process. Do you understand?”

“Loud and clear.” You nodded.

“I feel that’s probably enough time spent on your worthless sister, don’t you?” He settled into his seat. “Tell me about yourself.”

He broke you open like like an egg. Soon enough, the hour was over and you didn’t even feel it pass. But you were refreshed and ready to take on the world with a new understanding of your station in life. That was, until you saw your sister waiting for you in the lobby.

“Hey fuckface, mom sent me to pick you up from suicidal freak daycare.” She said, slouching in her seat with her legs crossed.

You took in a breath, falling back on your old, horrifically ineffective coping skills.

“This is a private exit for my patients, Miss [L/N].” Dr. Lecter scolded, putting a protective hand on your shoulder. “And I would appreciate it if you did not use that language in my office.”

The sudden presence of an actual adult snapped her into shape. She sat up and uncrossed her legs. “Of course. Sorry, sir.”

“Now apologize.” Dr. Lecter demanded.

She said nothing.

“Miss [L/N], I find it terribly offensive that you felt entitled to insult both my practice and my patient.” He broke the silence. “You would do well to apologize.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” She muttered. “Can I please just take them home?”

You felt yourself tense up. Dr. Lecter squeezed your shoulder comfortingly and leaned in to your ear. “Remember what I taught you, [L/N].”

You took a few steps forward, Dr. Lecter watching from the threshold.

“Are you waiting for an invitation?” Your sister scoffed. “I don’t have all day, you little reta-”

You heard the collision before you felt it. You launched your fist straight into her jaw before she could finish that word. A dreadful crunch filled the air.

You pulled your hand back, a rush of endorphins flooding your mind. Your knuckles felt a little sore, but the pain faded quickly. Your sister’s pain, however, would last quite a while.

You looked back at Dr. Lecter and shook out your hand. “You were right. That is better.”

#hannibal x reader #hannibal lecter #hannibal nbc #hannibal x you #anon ask #anon request #tw suidice #tw r slur #tw emotional abuse #tw verbal assault

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pretty-boys-book-club · 3 years

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Bylines to my heart - Chapter 3

Summary: You are a young journalist navigating the turbulent job of reporting for a local newspaper in D.C. What happens when you constantly bump into a cute boy genius? Can FBI agents befriend journalists? Can they fall in love with one?

Pairing: Spencer Reid x journalist!Reader, Spencer Reid x y/n, Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Word Count: 3.9k

Trigger Warning: Reference’s to Maeve Donovan’s death, mentions of Canon-Typical Violence, Mostly Fluff.

A/N: Special mention to my beta reader, @sweetandsunny who is an absolute angel and has helped tremendously with this fic!

Previous chapters: 1 | 2

My Masterlist

Turning Page

“Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” ― Marcus Aurelius

Last week, Spencer's pretty sure he met his soulmate. He was just going to grab some coffee during a case but there she is, basically waiting in there for him like the universe had gift-wrapped her and stuck him in the same precinct only for the two of them to run into each other once again.

The idea of getting coffee was the best one he's had in years because it meant he got to talk to her. She was adorable. He was a dork.

Spencer believes that you can tell a lot about someone from their coffee, with it being a language in itself. He takes note of how nice she is to the barista, how she orders a ‘regular coffee’ and makes sure to explain that she means a drink with cream and sugar, a sign that she must be familiar with New York jargon, something he wants to ask her about later. He also observes that she probably drinks as much coffee as he does. Their conversation flies by so quickly, the hot beverage they occasionally sip on makes their chat even more memorable.

“So, care to explain what exactly an FBI profiler does?”, she asks.

“Profiling is used to identify the person, or persons, behind a crime based on the manner in which the crime is committed, the evidence left behind, and sometimes the type of victims. So by investigating a crime scene, a profiler can make educated guesses as to various aspects of the UnSub-“

“UnSub?”, she interrupts.

“It’s short for unknown subject or unidentified subject, basically the unidentified person whose crimes are being investigated.”

“Okay. So how did you end up in the FBI? I mean, what did you study in college? Criminology or something else?”

“Actually, I got fast-tracked through high school, graduating at the age of twelve." He notices how her eyes widen in admiration. "After a while, I was accepted to a PhD in Mathematics program, then came Chemistry and Engineering. For a while, I considered studying Literature, but I had already read all of the course material. And then I decided to do my Bachelor degree in Psychology and then another one in Sociology. ” he told her. “But I feel less developed in the areas of social and emotional skills than perhaps I would have been had I not been so technically focused," Spencer admitted.

“Quite a story you have, huh? So I take it you learnt to read so fast because of that?”

“I actually grew up learning nearly everything from books. My mother used to be a college professor of 15th century literature so she read all the classics to me.”

“Oh, that’s cute. And certainly explains why I always see you with so many books.”

"You're watching me, are you?" He notices how she laughs, and Spencer feels himself get slightly flushed. “So you’ve probably seen my face of despair, no doubt."

"Well, I wouldn’t put it that way, but I suppose the routine must be rather difficult, yes. So, then, you decided that all that knowledge would be best put to use in catching criminals.”

“Not really. Me and a friend just kind of decided to go to the Academy and there I met—”, he says, blushing. Now he’s close enough to count the lashes around her eyes if he wants. “You know what, enough talking about me, why don’t you tell me why you became a journalist?”

“Well, firstly, at my parents' house, we always discussed the news. Two newspapers were delivered to our house each and everyda. One was for my dad who works as a history teacher at the high school from my hometown, and the other was for my mother, who's a marketing consultant for a company.” Spencer nodded, looking at her wide eyed, soaking everything she's saying, obviously interested in… well, her story. “So even when I was a little girl, their conversations fascinated me. Then I grew up and became captivated by storytelling in general. I’m sort of a free spirit, you could call me, so obviously I was very into literature, art and philosophy. I guess I understand your sense of ‘why didn’t I keep doing that’, in this sense” She makes quotation marks with her hands and he is curious, waiting for her to continue. “So, when the time came, I couldn’t choose just one of my passions, so I got a degree in Comparative Literature, then a Masters in Journalism at Columbia. And somehow was lucky enough to do a bit of both things as a reporter.”

"Wow, that's even a more interesting story than I thought it would be. I thought it was going to be something like 'I was not good at math or science, so that was all that I had left’.”

“Are you saying you told me to come here expecting to have a boring conversation?” She playfully says, with a smirk lighting up her face. Spencer cast his eyes downward as a he feels his cheeks warm. He was embarrassed to have insinuated that.

“No! Of course not. Actually, I was trying to figure out if you're as cool as you seem, and, more importantly, to measure how likely you are to be a potential murderer. You see, it’s a matter of personal safety.”

"Right, Mr. FBI profiler.” She laughs. Spencer looks around, just to see most people either at their phones or working on their computers.

He turns to face her, noticing how she seemed to be thinking the exact same thing. “Isn’t it strange how our society is so disconnected? Everyone’s head down, looking at their mobile. Is this how it was meant to be?”

“Well, come to think of it, phones might be just the contraption that would likely decrease your chance to be associated with crimes. You see, from a young age we've been socialized to not speak with strangers, what you might have heard referred to as 'Stranger Danger'." he says, matter-of-factly. "The whole concept arose when various campaigns ran through USA in the 1960's, which was later spread in other parts of the world, regarding child safety. From an evolutionary standpoint, that makes sense, as every meeting with a stranger has a higher risk of resulting in violence. But it has been criticized for ignoring that the most child abductions and harm result not from strangers, but rather from someone the child knows."

"I guess I get it, but isn't conversation the most humanizing thing that we do? It's when we talk to people that empathy is born, where intimacy is born—because of eye contact, because we can hear the tones of another person’s voice, sense their body movements, sense their presence." She rests her hand on the table and their hands touch for the briefest moment, electricity coursing through both of their bodies.

"Well, I've seen many times at work that sometimes people are not who they seem. Liars can seem honest, cheating spouses can seem loyal, nervous people can seem guilty. People’s facial expressions are not a reliable guide to what they are thinking. Or, to put it in Hamlet’s words, one may smile, and smile, and be a villain. A study found that being around strangers actually raises our levels of cortisol, a hormone that produces stress responses. We use a variety of methods to avoid feeling our emotions, one of them is lying. We want to be agreeable, to make the social situation smoother or easier, and to avoid insulting others through disagreement. It's partly based on wanting to be polite and partly based on self-preservation. We'd rather share a 'preferable truth' than the 'real truth'."

“Okay, but this is the line in the sand. This has to stop. No more insincerity. No more social scripts. Let’s go off the script entirely. Tear the page. Say something outlandish and totally true.”

“So we’re asking each other questions?”

“Yup. And you have to answer one hundred percent honestly.”

“Of course. What do you want to know?”

“Have you ever been in love?”

He thinks for a bit and then answers: “Yes. Okay, next question. What do you think is you —”

“Wait a minute, just a one-word answer?”

“Why not?”, he wondered.

“I, just... So many people, consciously or unconsciously, have this passive way of thinking about love. Like it’s a sensation that magically, spontaneously generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. And just as easily, it can spontaneously degenerate when the magic "just isn't there" anymore. You fall in love, and you can fall out of it. It's just so passive. In real life, you can't easily define it.”

“Well, I suppose that's true. Shakespeare did say that 'Love is a smoke and is made with the fume of sighs'. So you’re not one of those people, then, Y/N?”

“I don’t know, I think that you can make it happen. Love is active. You can create it. Love is a choice, not something that just happens to you. You choose to let it happen.”

“You know what this makes me think of?”

“No, what?”

“All those people you briefly intersect with, maybe make eye contact with, and then pass by, we could have done that. Now it’s like…”

“No matter what happens, we have met.” She cut him off.

“Exactly.” Spencer smiled. “It's my turn now. Tell me something that pisses you off.”

She looked at the ceiling, trying to gather her thoughts. Where to start? “I hate small talk. It’s just so boring! Talk about something that inspires you! I don’t care if it’s quantum physics, the books you've read, your favorite scents, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurity and fears... Anything! Just get to the good stuff. Whatever it may be. I just hate small talk. I'd rather meet that person who asks inappropriate questions and laughs at all the wrong times. I don't want to know 'what's up’.” she continues. “I also hate that I know I need to leave at exactly 8:26pm, because it takes me precisely 34 minutes to get to work, and I’d like to give myself a two minute window to actually get there. Or that occasionally I find myself waking up in the middle of the night to check that my phone alarm is still working.” Being so immersed in each other, an unexpected call to the girl catches both of them by surprise. “Shit. Now I’m going to be late through no one's fault but my own, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” she says as she stands up, and he does the same. She's quick to apologize and thanks him profusely for paying for her drink. So polite.

Then she wraps her arms around him. Spencer accidentally breathes in the scent of her perfume, eyes locking and smiles lingering, he who was inwardly freaking the hell out, breaks out in a goofy grin. She returns the gesture and after a few seconds she pulls back, leaving him seeing in blurs.

He turns around to gather his things to make his way out of the shop, back to the station. He sees her walk outside, cup still in hand, waiting for a taxi just outside the café. Feeling super savvy and not wanting to throw away his shot, he's written his phone number on her cup before handing her drink, before the two even struck out a real conversation, so sure he was that this was a special opportunity he had been given by whatever powerful deity or deities existed. He thought it was the perfect plan for him to seamlessly hand off his number. That way she could reach out to him afterwards, but putting significantly less pressure on her to do so.

He even sees the tiniest of smiles creep up on her face when she notices his handwriting on her cup, on the side of the cup that had been facing him for the entire conversation. Damn, that was smooth. Morgan would be proud.

So now, he can’t stop staring at his phone screen. He, who is usually so technology adverse, keeps checking to make sure that he doesn’t miss a notification. His mind can’t help but wonder when she’ll text him — or whether she'll text at all. Work takes up a good deal of his time, but with such a fast mind, he has enough free time to fill himself with worries.

He’s quick to jump to conclusions. He finds himself more than once thinking that he isn’t good enough for her. That she can’t possibly be interested in a guy like him. That she wants nothing to do with a guy she barely even knows. Did he act too eager? He knows that it really boils down to the fact that all humans are constantly looking for connection and validation. And text messages provide an instant form of that. But still, he’s checked his phone enough times during the workday for Emily to notice.

"Give her some time.”, Prentiss says during a shared car ride between the duo. “Just like you, I’m sure she’s had a few busy days. Don’t worry.”

He can’t stop thinking about her: her kind eyes, her smile, her body. And every time she comes to his mind, he flushes. There is something about her, something… different. And Spencer just can’t put his finger on it.

—

You are now a firm believer that coffee dates are the perfect social interaction. It's so simple. It requires both of you to be yourselves, no space for pretending. You think that maybe that’s why it's so nice, you don’t have enough time to brainstorm any elaborate pre-planned topics of conversation — you have nothing to do except talk, relying on each other to keep the conversation going. And the conversation is electric, all of your jokes make him laugh, you can’t keep smiling.

At first you felt a bit self-conscious, not having time to change clothes, but when fate hands you an opportunity like that, you’re going in the flats and pants you wear to work. And, maybe it’s a bad thing to admit, but the fact that you didn’t have to go through a whole meal during your first significant interaction was a relief.

So as soon as you come home, you stare at your phone wondering what the hell you’re supposed to do next. Do you text? Do you not text? What do you say? How long do you wait before you say it? What if he has his read receipts turned on, and he reads it but doesn't respond immediately, and you spend the next three hours and 45 minutes agonizing how you blew it in only so many words? You’re too busy replaying the splendor of it all — and relaying details to your friends from NYC over the phone — to even think about crafting the perfect text.

You need to have a game plan. Maybe you’ll tell him you saw how they caught the guy behind the terrible murders. Or you send him a photo of a book you want to read and ask if he’s read it before. You can’t decide, and you keep writing and deleting all the text messages you come up with for the next few days.

On day four, you’re convinced that you're approaching a deadline of sorts, and that you need to text him something, anything, if you hope to see him again.

11:23 AM

Y/N: Hi, Spencer, this is Y/N! Just wanted to say hello and see how your day is going. I hope that this is the right number

Y/N: My week is a bit busy with work, but I’m free on Saturday night if you’d like to meet up again!

Spencer 📚☕️: Hey! I’m saving your contact here :] I’m just flying over to a case right now actually, but I’d love to see you on Saturday

Y/N: I hope it’s not a tough one

Y/N: I mean, I know all of the cases are probably pretty tough

Y/N: But I hope you catch whoever did it

Spencer 📚☕️: I hope so too

Y/N: I really meant it when I say that I enjoyed talking to you. It’s hard not to fall for people who quote Shakespeare. And for some random coincidence, I just happen to have two tickets for the new Midsummer Night's Dream production so I thought it was a perfect match haha

Spencer 📚☕️: That sounds like a great plan :] I’ll text you if I get stuck on the case, but count me in

Y/N: Great! Can’t wait xx

You feel your heartbeat speed up. Is this a date? Although neither of you have called it that, you’re sure that has to be clear. Does that mean he’s interested in you? Even more important, you’re sure that you like him a lot, a big difference to the last few times you tried to go out with someone. So this can only mean that it’s extra important to you that your next meeting is a success.

You glance at your clock, it’s almost time for your lunch break. Your mind wanders to Spencer flying away on his FBI jet to somewhere in the country. Does he miss home when he’s gone? Does he bring a couple of books with him or does the jet always have a few to spare? Is he thinking about you too?

You’re pulled out of your thoughts by Janet stopping by your desk. She’s looking much better after her sick leave. From what you heard, she’s been a reporter for almost twenty years, one of the most senior members of the newspaper. She’s usually a nice person, although you’ve only talked to her a couple of times.

“Hi, Y/N. Just thought I’d pop over and let you know that you did great last week with the article on the Jameson murders. I read your interview and I’m impressed, really”

“Oh, thanks for letting me know. It really means a lot to me.” You say truthfully. “It was my first time writing about something like that.”

“Really? I would never have guessed it. I was wondering how you even managed to talk to the families of the victims in the first place.” She sits up on your desk, lowering her voice as if telling you a secret.

“Agent Jareau had a part in that.”

“I didn’t know the BAU was involved. She’s a good person, Jareau was their media liaison for a while. Did you get to meet Agent Rossi?” She looks very curious.

“Rossi?” You try to think about someone with that name but come up empty.

“Yeah, he’s one of the guys who founded the BAU, wrote lots of books about being a profiler. Great read, really helped me understand how they do their job. I’ve interviewed him a couple of times during the years about a case or two.”

“I didn’t meet him, I’m sorry. Just Agent Jareau, Agent Hotchner and Spence-I mean, Dr. Reid.” You try to sound casual about it, not wanting to leave your crush so evident. You’re not sure it works.

“Reid is the genius one, right? He’s an odd man, that one.”

“Why is that?”

“Once I asked about a kidnapping and he proceeded to recite the statistics of the past ten years by memory. But he means no harm. He’s about thirty and has already been at the BAU for pretty much a decade.” Janet seems to notice your blush at the mention of Spencer’s name. “I’m sorry, are you two close?” Damn, she’s good at picking up people’s body language.

“Not really, I just had some coffee with him the other day. We’re going out on Saturday night.”

“Oh. My. God.” Janet widens her eyes. A smile appears on her face. “Is it a date?”

“I’m not sure.” You confess. “We’re going to see a play together.”

“Do you want it to be a date?” She enquiries.

“Actually…” you think for a moment. Oh, screw it, you like him and are going for it. “I do.”

“Then it’s definitely a date.” Her smile grows bigger. “Tell me all about it! I still remember when I met my husband, I was so nervous. Do you know what you’re going to wear?”

“Not really, I haven’t thought about it yet.”

“There’s this store down the street, what do you say about grabbing something to eat and then stopping there to see if we find something you like?” She offers. “Lunch is my treat.”

You notice that this is an opening for a chance to make your first friend here. Sure, she’s a bit older than you, but Janet looks like someone genuine and you’ve been so alone lately that you can only benefit from her friendship. You wonder if she feels the same.

“I’d love to.”

—

He knows that most people find it difficult to share their thoughts in front of a crowd of their coworkers and colleagues – a study even proved that at least 20 percent of the population fear public speaking even if just in front of a few coworkers - so he knows that inviting Tara to talk about her previous experiences over coffee may help the newest team member feel comfortable opening up.

Tara joined the FBI as a forensic psychologist, having extensively interviewed several psychopathic criminals to determine whether they were fit for trial or not. Through her job, she has seen many depraved minds up close and personal. So, naturally, Spencer enjoys asking her about the strangest cases she dealt with.

“The weirdest killer I ever worked with was Archie Sutton, the truck stop strangler.”, she tells him.

“Even worse than the Indonesian female cannibal?”, he mentions something he read about on her file.

“Oddly enough, yes. Archie had this strange obsession with talcum powder and butterflies. So he would sprinkle talcum on all of his food and then carry a dead butterfly in his pocket everywhere he went.”

“It's amazing you were able to find something that you could identify with.”, he thinks out loud, and suddenly he’s brought back to the reporter from the week before. It’s a miracle he managed to talk to her as well, for almost an hour, without much effort. So, knowing he’ll see her once again on Saturday, he’s trying to think of topics for the next conversation that don’t involve murders.

Tara explains: “Well, I had to, I met with him every week for a year. It was the only way to establish a therapeutic alliance.”

“What was it you guys had in common?” Spencer suddenly finds himself very interested in this conversation. The two of them start to go back to the conference room.

“We were both obsessed with fossils when we were kids, and both of our mothers attended the same elementary school class. A bizarre coincidence, right?” Spencer pays special attention to the use of the word coincidence. It seems to be following him for the last few days.

“What's a coincidence?”, asks Rossi, turning to see them entering the conference room.

“Tara's mom went to the same elementary school as the Truck Stop strangler's mom.” Spencer points out, the coffee still in his hand.

“Ok, that's a little creepy somehow.” Morgan states.

“Yeah.”

Their conversation is interrupted by Hotch and Garcia telling them they need to go to Los Angeles to investigate a case where a bus was attacked with sarin gas. Spencer launches himself into work mode, he’ll worry about their date once the criminal is caught and the team is flying home. He starts to search his mind for all the statistics and information on sarin gas, eliminating all traces of her. Or rather, he tries. Before boarding the jet, he finds himself thinking about how much he'll have to wait until Saturday.

A/N: Okay, so this chapter was getting too long and I decided to split it in two, so the next part might be coming very soon. Hope you’re enjoying so far :) Thank you for reading! – Cat

✨ Tagging some lovely people ✨ @lil-stark @beeblisss @rexorangecouny @writer-in-theory @silverhetdanes @sideblogforcrimpy @honeyreid @dudeitiskarev

let me know if you spot any grammar mistakes!!

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inhonoredglory · 3 years

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Run Away from Me: A Levi Meta

The core of this meta is to show that, IMHO, Levi’s violence against Historia in Chapter 56 is his emotional fallout from the torture of Sannes, as well as his own guilt at the person he had become. Coming from having only watched the anime, I personally found this placement in the manga of the Historia scene right after both the torture sequence and the Reeves Company alliance as incredibly meaningful, especially for Levi’s character and his emotional journey.

Levi is an immensely compassionate person, someone who wants to aspire to the “unimaginably altruistic” life of Erwin Smith (Isayama, SNK Encyclopedia). So how would this torture he had to inflict affect him? Because imagine for a second: This is the man who was the only one to truly react with horror and sadness at the knowledge that they’d been killing human beings all this time when they fought Titans. This is the man who went out of his way to ally with the Reeves Company in order to answer the Trost townspeople’s woes:

In Chapter 53, Levi is confronted with blatantly disrespectful Trost merchants who think the Survey Corps haven’t done enough to save their town. It’s the everyday things that burden these people—taxes, thieves, putting food on the table. Levi doesn’t once shoot back at them for their criticism. Instead, he listens. And then he spots a woman at the side of a merchant’s stall. She’s holding a baby and her eyes burn into Levi’s. She holds his attention while above him, the merchants continue their tirade. I think Levi’s thinking of his mother here: like this woman, she was a single parent raising a child in a city that is not unlike Trost now, a town abandoned and forgotten by society, poor and struggling. That child reminds Levi of himself, and this time, Levi can do something about it.

This is why Levi goes out of his way to ally with the Reeves Company. Levi and Dimo share a long, deep conversation, demonstrating that Levi’s alliance with them is more personal than merely the company’s strategic value. Dimo Reeves called Levi an “awkward yet kind man.” He goes on the say that Levi will “protect us and the barely-alive District of Trost, even though he doesn’t really have to.” This is Levi answering that townsperson’s accusation that “you in the Survey Corps aren’t working hard enough.” Levi entrusts to the Reeves Company the responsibility to bring the town out of poverty in the new world the SC will create. That’s his compassion, that’s his care, that’s his humility. That’s how he values the lives of people, not just by defeating Titans, but valuing their livelihoods. “A man like that must have come from absolutely nothing,” concludes Dimo.

This is the same Levi we find torturing Sannes.

In Chapter 55, the torture of Sannes happens because of the horrors Hange saw inflicted on Minister Nick. It is Hange’s passion for avenging Nick that drives the torture sequence, their anger at the tortures that had happened under the MP’s First Squad that motivates the payback inflicted by Hange and Levi. Levi’s violence is done, not out of his own desire, but primarily Hange’s. This is not to say that Levi was guiltless or without responsibility for Sannes’s torture; on the contrary, his actions weigh heavily on him, as will be discussed. But it’s interesting to note that out of all the tortures they did, breaking Sannes’ nose was the only retribution all Levi’s own (in reaction to Sannes’ justification of a series of horrific things the MPs had committed).

I also find it relevant that after everything they had done to Sannes, Levi was still visibly shocked at Hange’s overreaction to Sannes’ hesitation to answer their first real question. Because in Levi’s mind, everything they had done up to that point wasn’t torture—in one sense. It was instead a like-for-like payback for the horrors Sannes had inflicted on Nick. Note that it was Levi who had to pull Hange out of the emotional distraction of Nick’s death in Chapter 52, the same emotional distraction that drives Hange to overzealous violence here.

There’s an interesting parallel in what happens next with what Levi had gone through with Annie earlier. Levi threatened Annie with torture of her real body and said he enjoyed intimidating her as she was bound and trapped. Sannes confessed that for him, he enjoyed violence and tormenting the helpless—so why should he complain if these torturers, Hange and Levi, are the same as him? It’s a subtle parallel, but it’s a relevant theme in SNK that everyone, on all sides, are devils and monsters. Or as Sannes says later, “The world will always have people like us.” People who are violent, people who are lunatics, people who condemn themselves and get their hands dirty for the sake of some higher “good.” Sannes’ accusation isn’t lost on Levi, because this is the same Levi who looked at a struggling mother in a forsaken city and did something about it.

Justified violence is still violence. So what if Annie deserved to have her limbs cut off, time and time again, without relief of death? So what if Sannes deserves to have his fingernails torn off, one by one, without even a question put to him? They had, after all, inflicted death and untold horrors on innocent people. But does justice look like this? Does the name of justice absolve your hands from actions this ugly?

Morality is complicated. And Levi is the first to tell you that he doesn’t know how to slice it. “I’m not telling you what’s right or wrong. I certainly don’t know what is” (Chapter 59).

So now in Chapter 56, we come to the scene with Historia, right on the heels of that torture. The first red flag for me went up when Levi realizes he has “forgotten” to tell his squad about Historia’s true bloodline. It’s not that he didn’t intend to tell them, it’s not that he was not supposed to tell them. (Unlike, say, the entire Female Titan arc.) He forgot, and he’s clearly embarrassed when they confront him. Why? Because he’s not supposed to lose focus like that. But he did, because that information came from Sannes, and after that horrendous experience, Levi, like Hange before him, was emotionally distracted. That’s the only reason I can figure for Isayama focusing on Levi’s oversight like this, and showing Levi in such an obviously emotionally awkward place.

Hange isn’t here to translate for Levi, like she did when Levi berated Eren for being unable to harden during the experiments in Chapter 53. Levi takes the scenic, colorful route when explaining his feelings. To Eren, he admitted that his criticism wasn’t about blaming Eren for being unable to harden, stating that “going over our shortcomings and bitching about our situation is an important ritual.”

In this light, we can read Levi’s words and actions with Historia as a complicated picture of his psychological landscape. Notice how just prior to this scene, we saw Hange act out the aftermath of the torture by kicking the table. Levi too reacts, taking it out on Historia.

Imagine where Levi is right now. He’s taken on the role of Sannes in this new world—the executioner, the ultimate killer, Humanity’s Strongest. “Your hands are already dirty. You can’t go back to the way you were,” Levi tells Armin later, but it’s also what he believes about himself. All that idealism that brought him into the Survey Corps—a life bigger than being a thug in the underworld. Did all that idealism bring him here, to do this? He has to make it worth it, he has to make it count for something. It’s what he does every day when his soldiers die under him—he’s been there to make their deaths worthwhile. But who’s there to make the deaths and terrors he’s dealt out worthwhile for him?

Levi’s expression in the last panel is angry, yes, but also wracked with pain.

So when Historia says she’s unfit for the role of Queen, when she says she can’t be Queen because she’s not good enough, Levi snaps. “Then run,” he said, grabbing her. “Run away from us as fast as you can. Because we’re going to do anything and everything to make you do what we want.” Levi’s eyes are downcast, not looking at her, because what he’s saying is more about him than it is about her.

Because he knows he’s dark enough to follow those orders to do the worst things to a human being to make the entire world a better place. He knows it’s in his bones to commit these atrocities. He is afraid of what he found he’s capable of. He’s already come to terms with killing humans as Titans. He’s come to terms with torturing humans as humans. He knows he can and will do horrible, unforgivable things. That’s his strength, that’s what makes him valuable, useful, important. He’s not like other people—“I’m abnormal… probably because I’ve seen far too many abnormal things.” But he’s ready to condemn himself, to make his hands dirty for the sake of others. He’s decided he has to go full through with the darkness he’s committed, because how else can he justify what he’s done? “I’m fine playing the role of the lunatic who kills people like that. I have to be ready to rearrange some faces. Because I choose the hell of humans killing each other over the hell of being eaten. At least that way… all of humanity doesn’t have to be damned.” His are the hands that will be stained with blood, his is the conscience that will be stained, his is the soul that will sink to hell—all so that others’ innocence can be spared.

The 104th look at him like he’s gone mad, abusing a young, helpless girl like that. But they haven’t seen what he had to do. They haven’t seen how bloody his hands have gotten. His violence here is a desperate reaction to get someone to save him. He’s always been able to avenge the deaths of his soldiers. But this time, he is the one in need of redemption. He could not justify his violence completely, he could only plea for her to make them unnecessary in the future. By becoming Queen, it means he won’t have to keep torturing, keep killing, keep shedding human blood. Her becoming Queen means a peaceful transition of power. Her becoming Queen means he won’t have to pave the path to a new government with more blood and more guilt, at least, not more than he has to. He’s enslaved to doing what his strength allows him to do. He’s begging her to not let people ask that of him.

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qlala · 3 years

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Hi here's my money for that Barry and Len "guilt versus shame" essay. Thanks! 💰💰💰💰💰 (I drew the dollar signs on the bags myself. I'm crafty)

Anon when I said essay, I meant essay. But alright. Here you go. for you and your hand-drawn dollar signs. Come, take this journey with me. (A journey of character analysis for fun—please, no one take this as reliable psychology.)

As I said, I consider the main conflict between Barry and Leonard not one of good versus evil, but of guilt versus shame. Specifically, the difference between them is that Barry is a character motivated by guilt, while Len is motivated by shame.

(And to get this out of the way - I’m not talking about sexuality, but how Barry and Len relate to the world and other people. I don’t think Len is the least bit ashamed of his sexuality; Wentworth Miller has always said that Len is someone who knows exactly who he is, and I think that’s true).

A more accurate way of talking might be to say that guilt-driven characters are motivated by love, while shame-driven characters are motivated by respect.

I’m going to start with Barry, because guilt-motivated characters tend to be much more straight-forward than shame-driven characters. Barry grew up (with some bumps along the way) in supportive, loving homes. His parents, and later Joe, always treated him with love, which allows Barry to love himself and other people.

Treating children with love is the most basic respect their guardians can afford them, and they’ll always have that basic core of respect to fall back on in the face of outside adversity. (Barry is remarkably hard to ruffle with insults—antagonists always have to target the people he loves, because he just… does not rise to the bait when it’s just his own pride on the line.)

This kind of early exposure to love and respect are fundamental to being able to feel guilt about harming others later in life. Barry was raised to respect and love other people (in the general, “love your fellow man” sense), so he would feel guilty if he hurt someone innocent. The core sense of self-respect and self-love that Barry developed in childhood means Barry’s sense of self can always take the hit when he feels guilty about hurting other people.

Guilt makes us feel, temporarily, unloveable. But because Barry was raised to feel fundamentally deserving of love, he can afford to feel briefly unloveable when he hurts other people—it just means he needs to make amends, and then he’ll be worthy of that love again.

That’s why Barry’s a guilt-driven (or love-driven) character: when he interacts with the world, the thing he’s most afraid of losing is love. He’s never been put in a position where he feels like what he’s missing is respect.

And that’s where he and Len differ. Len’s not guilt- or love-driven; he’s shame-driven.

Len appears to feel zero guilt for hurting innocent people, at least when we first meet him in season 1. And the reason for that is Lewis. As I mentioned, love is a prerequisite for guilt. And unlike Barry, Len wasn’t brought up in a loving home. I highly doubt that Lewis’s love for Len was ever freely given, even before he became physically abusive. And if it was, that sense of self was absolutely ripped away from Len when that abuse started.

As I mentioned, treating children with love is the most basic respect their guardians can give them. By withholding that love, Lewis taught Len that he was inherently worthy of neither love nor respect. Raised in that environment, where violence was the way Len saw power exerted over others, the natural response was for Len to seek out respect, not love. He had nothing to gain from loving others—and therefore, from feeling guilt—because he’d already been taught he could survive without love. What he couldn’t survive without was respect, because disrespect meant becoming the object of violence—first from his father, and later, from the criminal justice system.

(Prison is a conversation for another day, but suffice to say, the dehumanizing treatment incarcerated people face parallels that childhood lack of love, robs them of the self-respect and self-love they need to have healthy relationships with other people, and increases the likelihood that they’ll commit violent crimes, not reduces it).

So Len did whatever it took to survive, and survival meant accumulating respect. There’s an obvious cure to this obsession with respect, of course: 1) love, and 2) safety.

Now, as eager as I am to jump into how Barry helped Len break the cycle of violence, Barry’s not the source of love I want to talk about here. Barry comes in later; when I talk about the love that saved Leonard, I’m talking about Lisa.

Because, listen—I’m as exhausted as you are by the trope of “female loved one is male character’s humanity,” especially where, like in some of the Flash comics, it means killing off Lisa to make Leonard a more ruthless (and, I guess the the theory goes, interesting?) villain. But Lisa isn’t just some crack in Len’s armor; she fundamentally changed Len’s life when she was born.

Len was already somewhere between thirteen and sixteen by the time Lisa was born; for the sake of convenience, let’s put him around 15. (For some more detailed meta about the Sniblings' ages, check out this excellent post by @coldtomyflash). If Len was five when Lewis went to prison, and ten when Lewis came out a much more violent man (see: everything I said about prison earlier), that means Len experienced several years of incredibly traumatic treatment before Lisa was born.

He and Mick were in juvie together at least once when Len was still young enough to be “the smallest kid in there,” and Len was nearly killed. Mick saved him, yes, but the experience had to further numb Len to guilt and reinforce that violence and respect were the only real paths to survival.

And then, Lisa. Len clearly, canonically loves Lisa from the moment she’s born. We know nothing about either of their mothers (and it is pretty likely, given the 15-year age gap between them, that they have different mothers), but they’re clearly both out of the picture—Lisa says Len raised her. Len raised her! Fifteen years old, three years away from being free and clear of Lewis’s house forever, and Len stays to raise her.

Lisa is absolutely the one person keeping Len from sliding fully head-first into the path carved for him by Lewis and reinforced by the prison system. He is still primarily shame- and respect-driven—we see him kill people without any guilt, hell, he tries to derail a train with children on board in season one just to see what Barry will do.

But Lisa taught Len that he’s deserving of love and capable of loving others, and because of that, Len cannot, will not respect Lewis for his violence he rains on them both.It leaves open a door in his mind: Lisa doesn’t deserve to be treated that way, which could mean, if he could ever afford to consider it, that he didn’t deserve to be treated that way, either.

It’s why Barry is so unbelievably smug at the end of “Family of Rogues.” He’s figured it out; he wouldn’t put it in terms like guilt and shame, but he’s cracked it all the same. He always knew Len was like him, was someone who had been forced into violence by his circumstances, and now he has proof. Barry is remarkably unconcerned that Len shot Lewis; he’s briefly surprised, sure, but by the end of the episode he’s visiting Len in Iron Heights and goading him about the good in him.

And that’s where Barry comes in. He’s the crucial second ingredient to that cure for shame—he’s the safety.

He blazes into Len’s life and praises him for things no one else ever praised him for: for his morals, for his mercy, for the way he loves Lisa. He gives him an acceptable out to stop killing (he appeals to his vanity, says he’s good enough at what he does that he doesn’t need to hurt innocents, and they both know it’s an excuse), and he makes it clear that he respects not Len’s capacity for violence, but his desire to escape the need for it.

He also offers Len protection to start making that transition. Len knows, even if neither of them say it, that Barry would drop everything to help him if he called. When Len’s reluctant do-gooding puts him in harm’s way, like with King Shark in ARGUS, Barry does drop everything. He gives up a tool that could save Iris’s life to save Len’s instead. This is not me hating on westallen at all—Barry’s sense of obligation to Len is just that strong. He knows he’s put Len on slippery ground by helping extract him from the safety net he’d built himself out of violence.

And that’s Barry’s guilt drive in action—because yeah, he loves Len. He cares about him, and he respects him, and that’s love to Barry. He just wants to give Len the chance to love people that way, too. And in the end, Len, despite all his misgivings, ends up letting him.

#and then he. and then he d. he di-#i'm going to go stare into the ocean #leonard snart #barry allen #coldflash #to an extent. and that extent is that i think they should kiss on the mouth #lisa snart #the sniblings #abuse mention tw //#meta #i might get into how barry's childhood tracks a little closer to len's than i gave him credit for in this post but like #another post for another day

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heejinnien · 3 years

Text

bts | roses epilogue

word count: 1.2k words

pairing: bts x reader

synopsis: y/n is a member of the seoul behavioral analysis unit. usually, she’s the cat in the typical game of cat and mouse played with the criminals they catch, but when a mysterious string of murders has her on edge, she discovers she’s caught the attention of one of a dangerous criminal — and he’s determined to make her pay for it.

or, not all attention is the good kind.

genre: horror, angst

warnings: yandere themes, descriptions of gore, descriptions of violence, murder, the reader carries a gun because they need to defend themself against bad guys, guns, manipulation, victim blaming, this is overall just a very dark fic

author’s note: this is the conclusion to my series, roses! it is important to note that this chapter is not written from the same perspective as my other chapters. when attempting to determine the mindset of an unsub, profilers will use “i” or “you.” while this chapter uses you and takes place in second person, it is important to note it is not from the reader’s perspective.

roses masterlist

Tap, tap.

You drum your fingers idly against the wooden surface of the cafe table, checking the display of your watch. He’s late, you note, although you’re sure he was probably distracted with Y/N. You decide to wait ten more minutes for him before leaving. You’re supposed to be dead, and it’s too risky to remain out in the public eye for long. At that thought, you shift in your seat, pulling the brim of your hat down further. The way you’re angled is away from the cafe’s security cameras, and the chilly spring weather provides a perfect excuse for your long coat and hat. It’s the first time in your life that you’re glad you have the ability to blend in, and no one notices you as they pass by.

“You’re here already.”

A familiar voice causes your head to snap up, fingers tightening around the drink you had bought when first arriving. You relax when you see it’s just Jungkook. Unlike you, he’s wearing casual attire, no urgent reason requiring him to hide like you have to.

“Our meeting time was ten minutes ago,” you say stiffly, staring at Jungkook as he pulls out the seat across from you and sits down. If he feels uncomfortable from the way you’re staring at him he makes no indication of it, merely pulling the sunglasses off of his eyes and folding them, hooking them on his shirt.

“Well, I got a bit sidetracked. You know how it is.” Jungkook’s eyes gleam predatorily. Though the topic of conversation is light and to any passerby would sound innocuous enough, the hidden meaning is all but thinly veiled.

You hum noncommittally as a waitress stops by your table and Jungkook orders a latte. She looks a lot like Y/N, you silently note, with dark hair and eyes. You quickly shut that train of thought down, growing uncomfortable if left thinking about your former teammate for too long.

As soon as the waitress leaves, Jungkook’s gaze shifts back to you. “You’ve healed up nicely,” he observes, no question in his tone.

“Well, I had plenty of time,” you respond dryly, mind flickering back to the past few months spent in hiding. This is the first time you’ve gone out in public after the NIS officially declared you “deceased.” For the first few days, you kept up with the news, wondering if the officials had somehow connected what had happened to you in any way, but after a while you decided you couldn’t stomach it anymore. Every mention of it brought you back to that moment, the feeling of your teammate’s life leaving him as your hands wrapped around his throat, eyes flashing with betrayal.

“You seem to be faring pretty well yourself,” you note, refusing to let your mind wander. The first few times you had been in contact with Jungkook after the event, he had said Y/N had attacked him, resulting in injuries to both parties. There’s no trace of that now, Jungkook’s features as perfectly proportioned as before. You shudder to think about what Jungkook has been doing to your former teammate. You know her and how spirited she is, and you vaguely wonder what she’s like now.

If she’s still the woman you once loved.

You silently scoff at yourself, at how cowardly you’ve become. Once, you swore to uphold the laws of your country. Now, you’ve betrayed your country and your unit, and youu’re in hiding for murder.

The murder of your former unit, more specifically.

The sound of a mug hitting the cafe table forces your thoughts to stop wandering. Jungkook smiles at the waitress as she pulls a sugar packet out of her apron, giving the man sitting across from you a gentle smile as she tells him to enjoy his drink and leaves. You watch as Jungkook rips open the pack, pouring it into his drink and then stirring the dark liquid.

“What’s your plan?” Jungkook asks, scarcely saving you a glance as he sips his beverage. You’re glad he isn’t looking at you; you’re not sure you can control your emotions if he looks at you for long.

“Probably leave the country,” you admit. “I know someone who does fake IDs, and he can get me a passport.”

“Where would you go?” Jungkook’s gaze finally slides to yours, and you use all your years of profiling and behavioral analysis to appear unruffled, as if you’re merely talking about a vacation you plan to go on instead of the country you’re fleeing to after committing murder.

“I’m not sure yet. Maybe London.”

“I know you’ve always wanted to go there.” Jungkook flashes you a soft smile, pausing to take a sip of his drink. “You don’t have to leave, you know.”

“It’s better this way,” you say quickly, and you know it’s true. Maybe it’s further proof of what a coward you are, but after everything you can’t bring yourself to care.

Jungkook nods and sets his mug down, clearing his throat. “Well, I guess this is it then.”

“I guess it is.”

Jungkook stares at you, a glimmer of something in his dark orbs. You rip your eyes away before you can delude yourself into thinking that Jungkook is actually capable of loving someone, that the expression in his face is love and care for you, that he’s even capable of such emotions.

Psychology would tell you no. Sociopaths can’t feel true emotion. But you cling on to the desperate thought that Jungkook is capable of feelings, that he has a conscience, that maybe he wakes up at night in cold sweats like you because of what you’ve both done.

Once upon a time, you loved Y/N and Jungkook. You just loved one of them more.

“I should go, I can’t be out for too long with the face of a deceased person,” you joke, hoping that your words don’t sound as cringy as they do in your head.

“Even with the face of a deceased person you’re still handsome,” Jungkook says softly, and now you can’t ignore the way your heart wrenches, the way you’re undeniably, inexplicably in love with this man.

“Please don’t,” you whisper, throat suddenly clogged. You clear it loudly, ignoring the hurt that flashes across Jungkook’s face for a split second.

The familiar feeling of anxiety bubbles within you, an emotion that has been no stranger to you the past few months. You push back your chair and stand, the wooden seat scraping loudly against the floor. You see a few cafe patrons glance your way, and now the anxiety that has bubbled within you is quickly rising, ready to erupt like a vat of lava.

“I have to go,” you say quickly, gripping your hands tightly in front of you to hide the tremor that runs through them.

“Wait — ”

“Bye, Jungkook,” you murmur, cutting the younger man off. You give him a soft smile, sadness leaching through despite your best efforts to keep your emotions buried, and you know in your gut that this is the last time you’ll see him.

“Bye, mi amor,” Jungkook says softly, and for a second he’s no longer a serial killer or a psychopath. He’s the boy you once loved, the boy you still do love, the boy you wish you could spend the rest of your life with, the boy you committed murder for, the boy you threw away the rest of your life for, the boy you turned into a monster for.

And with that you turn, already thinking about how you’re going to forge the next chapter of your life.

tagging: @kassrole, @hoebii, @biaswreckme, @taegularities, @moccahobi, @scarlet2007, @deepdarkdelights, @birbdae, @mieohmy, @samros95, @ggukkieland, @glossiestrawberry

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arvandus · 4 years

Text

The Todoroki Family Arc: Dabi and Representation for Abuse Victims

Something I’d like to address regarding all of this Todoroki family discourse is the importance of representation for abuse victims, specifically when it comes to the topic of forgiveness. Many of us who are victims of abuse aren’t willing to forgive our abusers, and there is nothing wrong with taking that stance. The concept of forgiveness of abuse is an especially hard pill to swallow when that forgiveness is for the sake of the abuser and not the victim (i.e., in this case, forgiveness for the sake of Enji’s redemption arc). So this makes the current Todoroki family/Endeavor redemption arc so incredibly difficult to read, as all of the ‘good’ Todorokis are either already willing to forgive (or on their way to forgiving) Enji's long-term, narcissistic abuse.

It’s true that in canon Enji has explicitly stated that he’s not asking for forgiveness and that his family members don’t have to forgive him. Whether or not he truly understands what that means is up for debate (I’ve got a lot to say on Enji’s redemption arc, but that’ll be for another post). But for the sake of this post, let’s state that he genuinely means it, which would be great as it shows an awareness on his part of how unforgivable his actions are. This great and all, except the words lose their weight/significance when every single ‘normal’ family member is on track to forgive him. It would hold much more weight to show he doesn’t get forgiven by everyone, which will require him to at least to some extent, live with the consequences of his actions (e.g., being alone/ostracized from some family members).

So, let’s go through the Todoroki family members who are in the process of forgiving, have already forgiven, or are on their way to forgiving Enji, and how I personally respond to their forgiveness. Of course, all of this will be heavily influenced by my personal opinions and personal experiences, however I think that’s fair – as a person who’s endured long-term childhood abuse from a parent, I’d hope that my opinions (and others like me) will have some weight in the conversation surrounding domestic violence, even within the context of fiction.

Rei:

Rei has shown signs of starting to forgive Endeavor as evidenced by defending him to her children.

I do appreciate that she states that she’s still too scared to see her husband, and that the doctor states it’s not a good idea. That all makes perfect sense. But the idea that she’s willing to give him a chance to redeem himself because he sends her flowers? I absolutely cannot identify with this in any which way. Her marriage was forced by Endeavor, her sole purpose to bear him cold/hot quirk children. She may have later grown to love him, who knows; we do know she was willing at least have Fuyumi with him, since she suggested it… (although there is a lot to unpack around that too, which I’ll also save for a different post). Even if she did love Enji (and a part of her may still love him, as some of us may feel towards our abusers) she went through YEARS of abuse to the point that she had a psychotic break and had to be institutionalized. To suggest that she’s willing to begin the road of forgiveness because he sends her flowers is just completely unrealistic, and I personally can’t identify with her at all (also, as a sidenote: if my abuser and the cause of my psychosis, who I’m too afraid to see, is sending me gifts, the last thing I would want would be to see those gifts displayed in my room as a constant reminder of them).

Fuyumi:

It’s clear that Fuyumi is well on her way to forgiving her father (if she hasn’t done so already).

Fuyumi wants nothing more than to piece her family back together, which is entirely fine if that’s what she wants. What bothers me however, is that she’s willing to do so by sweeping the family drama under the rug in an attempt at keeping the illusion of a healthy, loving family (i.e., one that’s not broken by abuse). Why can’t she have this happy family with her brothers and her mother? Why does she feel the need to have Enji in that family picture, considering all he’s done to them? Her whole “it would make your sister happy” is, in my opinion, guilt-tripping and selfish. I don’t think she’s a mean person, and she may not be aware that her behavior could be damaging. But her motivations are clearly self-focused, as she’s not willing to address her family’s issues in a way that validates everyone’s feelings. She just wants everyone to ‘play nice.’

It’s this dismissive behavior, a willingness to overlook the harm of the abuser for the sake of trying to keep a semblance of normalcy when things clearly aren’t normal, that has me label her as an abuse apologist. It’s not intended to be malicious of course; I do think she believes she means well. But how does ignoring the abuse her family endured help anyone? Will this ever get addressed by Horikoshi? TBH, I doubt it, but we’ll just have to wait and see. But one thing is for sure, she’s definitely the most forgiving out of all of her siblings.

Natsuo:

I love this guy. Truly. So far, he’s probably the MOST relatable for me…

Look at that. Beautiful. I love it. It’s everything I want. He’s unforgiving, holding his long-time abusive father accountable (regardless of how good of a hero he is), while still being a good person (lookin’ at you, Dabi…) all in one breath.

SO… why am I including him in this? Natsuo so far seems to be holding out, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Horikoshi writes him in the direction of forgiveness, especially after this Dabi/Touya reveal. I feel like there’s already been hints at it, and it’s just a matter of time before he inevitably gets written as forgiving his father as well.

Here, you see his mother’s words getting into his head; he’s thinking heavily about what she’s said to him. He doesn’t like the idea of his father looking for redemption, and holds his own disbelief around his father “trying to make sense of it all.” But clearly he values his mother’s opinion on the matter, which will have an impact on his own views/beliefs. Plus, the added pressure of seeing his other family members forgive his father will also have an impact on his stance, either by making him dig his heels in further in resistance, or by accepting their stance on it and as such be one step closer to forgiving Enji himself.

Here, he’s hearing Enji’s words and recalling Midoriya talking to Shouto earlier in the evening. He’s drawing a parallel between what it means to be a kind person and what it means to forgive. It’s followed up by his father’s confession of atonement, which clearly has an impact on Natsuo. His experience here is visceral and entirely relatable; while Enji’s words may sound nice and genuine, it does little to assuage Natsuo of the painful memories he harbors and the damage that his father has caused over the years.

He’s still holding stubbornly onto his anger, unwilling to forgive… but the way it’s playing out, it’ll only be a matter of time. Maybe it’ll be yet another near-death experience for Endeavor, this time by Touya’s hand. Or maybe he’ll feel that deep cut of betrayal from Touya/Dabi that makes him let go of his own anger/darkness in his heart out of a fear of letting it consume him the way it did his older brother. Either way, I see it ending up there. We don’t know for certain yet, of course… but my money is on Natsuo forgiving his father by the end, so I’m holding back on getting too attached.

Shouto:

Shouto also seems to be becoming more open to forgiveness, despite all he’s gone through (and witnessed his mother go through). There’s a lot surrounding why this may be… perhaps it was watching the near-death experience of Enji in the battle with High-End… (which, hey, watching someone you care about nearly die, even if that person is your abuser, would be rough to watch).

Or watching his father be a badass hero (because let’s face it, Enji is an excellent fighter) that the public looks to for hope. Keep in mind, this happened after Enji had told Shouto he wanted to be worthy of the #1 position and of being Shouto’s father; so Enji has just shown to Shouto that he’s (at least by Hero Society’s standards) worthy of being #1, and now he’s trying to make amends with his family (mm, check out that need for validation…).

Clearly, Shouto is giving his father a chance to redeem himself.

And, of course, we have this page as well, which draws the comparison of being a kind person also being a forgiving person (which, quite frankly, isn’t true - you can definitely be a kind person and still not forgive someone who’s done long-term harm to you). Regardless, it’s clearly being shown that Shouto is obviously heading into forgiveness. Once again, the forgiveness itself isn’t bad… it’s how it’s being portrayed. As someone who’s been abused by someone who’s supposed to take care of them and love them, I can say with certainty that you don’t really care that much about how good that person is at their job. It shouldn’t matter that Enji is a great hero; he’s always been a great hero (that’s why he was second only to All Might). What matters is how Enji is as a father, and it’s well established that he’s failed his entire family, by choice, for years. Shouto states as such to him, saying he’ll watch to see what kind of father he becomes. But this follows immediately after the battle with High-End, which implies that Shouto is basing his willingness to forgive his father off of Enji’s heroics and public acceptance as the symbol of hope. Why this would sway Shouto’s view of his father enough to consider forgiveness for years of physical and psychological damage escapes me.

Now, let’s be clear that forgiveness of an abuser isn’t impossible, but it’s certainly not an easy task. Additionally, the decision to forgive hinges on a lot of things, including whether or not the abuser is worthy of forgiveness (i.e., are the crimes he’s committed against his family redeemable? Is he truly genuinely feeling guilty about what he’s done? Does he understand the magnitude of what he’s done? Is he acting selflessly, or is his quest for redemption rooted in selfishness (e.g., need for acceptance, a way to hold onto one’s power/importance within the family dynamic, etc.)?). In many cases, especially cases where the abuse is long-term as it’s portrayed as being for the Todoroki family, and as mine was growing up, forgiveness isn’t really on the victim’s mind. The damage done by the abuser is so long lasting, leaving a permanent imprint on how we think, act, and behave. It shapes us, especially when it occurs in the formative years of childhood, affecting how we connect with others and how we view ourselves.

So, sharing a few contrite moments with the abuser (in this case, Enji) and seeing some positive situations (e.g., watching him kick ass on TV, be kind to his kids, etc.) do little to persuade me into forgiveness of a man who willingly, repeatedly, chose to abuse his family for at least a decade. His abuse was physical, mental, and emotional. Even if his desire for redemption is genuine, the quickness with which the good characters here begin to forgive him feels slightly forced for the sake of his redemption arc, and is therefore unrelatable. And that is the crux of the issue. Enji’s redemption should be just as much about the healing of his victims as it should be about him (if not more so). However, that doesn’t seem to be the case. So, what we get is a family portrayal that is in favor of the abuser.

So, all of the ‘good’ Todorokis are working toward forgiveness of their abuser. Great. So, where does that leave those of us who aren’t on board with forgiveness? Those of us who see our own abuse, our own history, within this story and are not (and will not) ever forgive our abuser for entirely reasonable and justifiable reasons? Where is our representation in a story that, for all intents and purposes, is meant to be about the ramifications of abuse (and by proxy, victims of abuse)?

Our only remaining choice? Dabi, of course... the psychopath who’s bent on destroying his abuser’s life and the hero society that’s, in some ways, created and supported him.

I think a major reason Dabi is so loved by some of us is that we can identify with that anger, that need for retribution/justice. Are all of us entirely on board with how Dabi has decided to go about this retribution by doing whatever it takes no matter who it hurts or what innocent lives are lost? No, of course not. But in a story where we’re looking for a sense of justice, where the long-term serial abuser DOESN’T get to walk away free with his abused family still by his side/supporting him, what other options do we have? He’s the ONLY ONE who seems to be willing to hold Enji accountable for what he’s done and who sees the hypocrisy in his position as a symbol of hope in contrast to who he has been behind closed doors with his family. So THAT is what we’re defending when we defend Dabi. We’re NOT defending his murders, or him attempting to kill his brother, or ANY of that. We might understand where that darkness is coming from/what’s caused it and empathize with it, but we don’t EXCUSE it.

Now, obviously the story isn’t finished yet, so there’s no way to know for sure where Horikoshi will take this redemption arc. We don’t know if all of the family members really will forgive Endeavor or not, and if Enji will ever be fully welcomed into the family fold. The airing of the Todoroki family’s dirty laundry and its impacts on shining a light on the cracks in hero society give me hope. Also, the diversity across the Todoroki family of how each person copes that that abuse is also well done. That’s why I’m still invested in this story, that’s why I’m still reading it. But we only have what we’ve been shown to go on, and at the moment, there are major aspects of this story that are lacking. The diversity in how each family member handles their abuse and their relationship with their abuser starts to lose its impact when that diversity is gradually washed out in favor of universal forgiveness.

Also, where the manga is currently at gives me concern about the kind of message this story is sending to its readers. I often see others say: “it’s just fiction, relax.” Yes, it is fiction. And when we read fiction, we all search for a piece of ourselves within the story. You can’t have a story that centers around domestic abuse and not have abuse victims gravitate towards it, hoping for accurate representation. And most importantly, even though this is ‘just a story,’ what message is it sending when the only person not willing to excuse/forgive Enji is a psychopath who’s been driven insane by his father’s abuse (and possible by his family’s inability/unwillingness to address said abuse)? What message does it send to abuse victims? What message does it send to those who have never experienced abuse and are learning about it through this fictional representation? To say that this isn’t relevant in a real-world way is inaccurate at best and damaging at worst; and even if it may not hold relevance for some within a real-world setting, for many of us it does and as such the implications and impacts of it should be respected, even if you may not agree with it. In short, for some of us, this is personal.

Now, do I think that every family member should curse Enji into the sun? No, as satisfying as that would be for me. I’d be perfectly happy if some family members forgive and some don’t. Why? Because it’s realistic. It makes sense, because it depends on each character’s unique, personal experiences. Some will forgive, some won’t, and some will continue to defend and provide excuses for said abuser – all of these positions within the abused family dynamic are real and exist. I just wish BNHA would also allow a space for us abuse victims who aren’t willing to forgive – a space that isn’t villainized.

#bnha meta #bnha spoilers #bnha 292 #dabi #Todoroki family #bnha discourse #abuse

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heyheydidjaknow · 3 years

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Why do I not have the option to copy and paste formatting? Why is that an option I am not given? Who thought that I wouldn’t need that when I’m on my phone? Screw that guy, who I am arbitrarily calling Adam. If anyone knows how to do that, please tell me.

Chapter 6 Pt 2

“There is no fucking way you got a date with her.” Raphael does not even look it up. “No way in hell.”

“And yet the flow chart worked.” He laughs from his lab, shutting off any excess equipment as to not overwork it. “It worked like a charm and she asked me to go to her place so ha.”

”You didn’t show her the chart, did you?”

“I did not.”

“Well, there you go.” Leo looks back at him from his seat on the couch. “What time?”

“Seven o’clock.” He slides the door closed. “But I’m planning on being there at six fifty-five so that she knows I value her time.”

“Does the sun set that early?”

“Why do you even ask?” Raph turns a page in his once periodical periodical. “You know he looked it up.”

“As a matter of fact, I did. Forgive me for also valuing preparedness.”

“Nobody likes a know it all.”

He grins smugly. “That’s where you’re wrong. See, I,” he gestured to himself, “have a date with a gorgeous girl tonight, one where she has already invited me into her home, and you,” he gestured to Raphael, “are reading a magazine from a company that went out of business two years ago alone.”

“Donnie, don’t be a jerk.” Leonardo looked back at the television. “Raphael brings up a valid point; you tend to act like you know everything, and the actual request wasn’t for a date.”

“How else can I interpret one on one time with her?”

“Well,” he counters, “how do you interpret one on one time with us?”

He blinks. “Wait, so you’re saying she’s… how do you put it?”

“Nah, I don’t think she’s friendzonin ‘im.” Mickey looks up from his drawing. “Think she’s sending signals she doesn’t mean to.” He sets his half-shaded piece aside. “Think about it; she said she’s been all stressed out, right? She died like two weeks ago.” He shrugs. “She’s probably just lonely and needs the company.”

“That’s… actually really insightful of you.”

He grins. “What can I say? I’m a modern McPherson.”

Raph snickers at that. “Donnie is more of a McPher—how old is that movie, anyway? A hundred?

“Hey!” He shoots a glare at his brother. “Respect the classics.”

“Not to interrupt your riveting intro to film class,” Donnie interjects, losing his shit, “but I really need to know what this is before I go, and it’s already fifteen ‘till.”

“Look, maybe she’s interested, maybe she’s not.” Leonardo’s eyes are back on the screen. “Just try to tread carefully and you’ll probably be fine.”

“Probably?”

“Again, Raph had a point.”

He groans, walking to the entrance and exit of their home. “You guys aren’t helping.”

“Not our job.”

Leo calls after him. “Be home before six!”

He turns the corner, cradling his head in his hands. ‘I am totally and thoroughly fucked.’

GoodFellas.

Of all the movies in the world, that is the movie you have decided to use to explain these concepts. This is the example piece that you are going to show to the vigilante. All you know is that you had started watching the Phantom Menace and had decided against explaining the concept of racial coding and this is the only other movie that you can think of right now. You have decided to commit, and you are already regretting it, but you decide to figure it out as you go.

You set the pizza on the coffee table, throwing a bag of popcorn in the microwave to pop. You do not expect Donatello to be late, so you decided to start now so that they could get started right away. You start walking to the window, stopping at the mouth of the hallway. You look yourself over one more time in the bathroom mirror despite yourself. You do not exactly know why you care so much; this was not a date, and you had not advertised it as one. Still, impressions are important, and the last thing you need is for him to not listen to you because of it. That is what you are telling yourself, anyhow.

You hear knocking against the glass. You check your phone for the time. ‘Five minutes early.’ You smile softly. ‘How responsible.’ You open it up, smiling at your guest. “Welcome, Donatello.” You take a step back. “Please, make yourself at home.”

He barely makes a sound as he steps off the windowsill, looking around your apartment, fully illuminated, for the first time.

After about thirty seconds of his investigation, you clear your throat. “Donnie?”

He snaps out of it. “Huh?”

You smile gently. “You wanna sit down? I bought pizza.”

“Uh, yeah.” He nods, sitting down and facing the television screen. “I like your place.”

“Thanks.” You sit down next to him, tucking your feet under you as you flip on the television. “How do you feel about gangster movies?”

“Gangster movies?”

“Yeah.” You list a couple on your fingers. “Scarface, Godfather, all that jazz.”

He shakes his head, brow furrowed in confusion. “How can you make gangster movies legally?”

“That is a long answer. The short version?” You lean forward, taking a slice from the box. “The police are kind to those who cooperate, and people think their stories are fascinating.”

“So they’re documentaries?” He mimics you.

You shrug. “Sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. You want something to drink?” You hear the microwave beep as you stand up.

“Water?”

You nod, walking over to pull the popcorn out of the microwave and grab your drinks. “I trust the walk wasn’t too bad?”

“Not at all.” The small talk is torture. “Getting to your window was a bit of a challenge, but it wasn’t anything too bad.”

“That’s good.” You pour him a glass. “I’ll have to get something for that; maybe a planter or something, so you have a bigger ledge.”

“It’s alright.” He taps his fingers against his knee. “It’s wide enough to stand.”

“Still.” You place his cup on the counter, dumping the kernels into a large plastic bowl. “I wouldn’t forgive myself if one of you guys got hurt trying to come in through the window.” You grab a can of soda out of the refrigerator, sitting down and handing him the glass.

He smiles slightly. “You’re really sweet sometimes, you know that?”

You grin. “I try,” you hum, starting to pull up the movie. “I think you’re pretty cool too, Hamato.”

He chuckles. “You make me sound like I’m fifty.”

“Oh, totally.” You nod in agreement. “You’re an old soul.”

He blinks. “Old soul?”

“Mature, I mean.” You shrug. “I mean, handling the stuff you do with any degree of tact, to me, displays a great maturity you don’t see in most teenagers, myself included.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

You get back up for napkins and plates. “Not at all.” You hand him one of each. “It’s an admirable quality, though not one I particularly envy.”

“You think?” His hands linger for a moment longer than typical as he took them.

“Yeah. You want me to turn down the lights for the movie while I’m up?”

His face goes red. “I-I mean,” he stutters, “if you want to.”

“Then I will; shows the image better when it’s dark.” You walk to the wall, flicking off the lights and sitting down next to him, setting your slice on your plate as you turn on the movie.

Your reactions to it are different.

He does not seem what you would call disturbed, but he gets grossly invested in the story extremely quickly. He is noticeably more interested in watching you watch the movie, but he studies the plot intently, noting the more domestic plotline between the lead and his wife in particular. His reaction to the violence is strange to you; he is not aloof, so to speak, but he does not flinch much until the fighting is between Henry and Karen.

You have seen this movie what feels like a thousand times. Whenever you think it applicable, you lean over and whisper to him about the directing, the script, the plot—it is supposed to be a lesson, after all. But you realize that your attention, every so often, shifts to the bed, to your pillow with the knife underneath it. The violence of the movie makes you edgier than you are used to.

About halfway through the movie, you move closer to the boy sitting beside you. You lean your head against his shoulder, closing your eyes as you listen for cues for comments. You don’t notice his reaction, but you do notice how his arm snakes around your waist, pulling you closer to him. You do not object; you were the one who initiated, after all.

“Here’s a psychology relationship thingy you can tell your family about.” You cringe at that poor little girl standing in the hallway. “’That’s all in your head’ is classic gaslighting. I dunno if that’s really your area or not.”

“Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.” He fiddles with the cloth of your jacket absentmindedly. “It’s kinda hard for me to wrap my head around, people staying like that. I mean,” he clarifies, “I get why, but—”

You both tense up as a young man on screen is shot dead by Joe Pesci’s character.

You exhale. “Yeah, I get what you mean.” You shrug. “But folks get scared, ya know? In her case, she doesn’t want to break the family apart, and she’s really into him.”

“What? No way.”

“Yes way.” You look up at him. “What can I say? We fall into infatuation so fast with bad people who say what we want to hear.”

“Don’t you mean fall in love?”

You watch as Lorraine Bracco holds a gun to her husband’s face. “Nope. Love is entirely different.”

“Yeah?” He glanced down at you.

“Apples and oranges.” You gesture to the television. “Love is supplementary, a beautifully imperfect connection between people.” Your voice becomes smoother, airier. “It’s a bond built on trust and respect. Infatuation is more of an addiction than anything.” You sigh as Liota meets to discuss his relationship with Sorvino. “At least I think so. That’s why love at first sight is a bunch of bullshit; you can’t have that kind of profound trust with someone you just met.” You shrug, looking back up at him. “Then again, what do I know? I’m an inexperienced, fifteen-year-old girl.”

“That makes a lot of sense, actually.” He looks back down at you. “I get what familial love is, but whenever Master Splinter talks about his wife, he has a hard time putting what he means into words.”

You hear their guilty verdict. “Totally get that. Articulation is not easy to do.”

A few minutes go by.

“May I be frank?”

“Please.”

You watch as a man drags his wife out of a Christmas party. “This movie is exactly why I don’t ever want to learn how to do the stuff you do. It changes you, all that violence; desensitizes you.” You bring your knees to your chest. “Especially Raphael. I swear, that shift was as dramatic as his, at least at this point in the flick.”

He pauses. “Please, tell me you’re kidding.”

You close your eyes, breathing slowly. “I’m going to try my best,” you swear, “do everything in my power, to see to it that you guys don’t experience more than you have to.”

You mean it. He can tell.

You two are quiet for the rest of the movie. You explain why certain directing choices were made, connect the beginning with the end, talk about the theme, all while you two watched their fall from grace. When the movie ends, you realize how tangled up in him you are; your head on his chest, legs draped over his with his arms around your waist. You feel the icy air against you, as if his skin attracted it to you. You push the hair out of your face. “So,” you stretch, turning the light back on, “do you wanna see another movie, or do you have a curfew?”

He pauses. “I should honestly probably get home,” he sighs. “If I’m not home early they’ll start getting ideas.”

“Oh, yeah.” You nod, completely understanding the reasoning. “You can take the leftover pizza home if you want; the guys’ll probably eat it before I do.”

“Mikey’ll be on cloud nine.” He picks the box off the coffee table. “Thanks.”

“Any time.” You stand at the window, opening it for him.

He climbs onto the windowsill, looking down at you from his perch. “I had a good time.” His face flushed. “We should do this again.”

You nod in agreement. “Definitely.” You rub the back of your neck. “I’ll pick a lighter movie next time.”

“Alright. It’s a plan.” He gives you a thumbs up.

You steal yourself, cupping one side of his face and kissing him gently on the cheek. “Goodnight, Donnie.” You smile. “See ya tomorrow.”

You are a bit concerned he’s going to fall off the windowsill. “Y-Yeah,” he grinned, words slurred. “See ya later, Y/N.” He waved, climbing up and out of your window.

You smile softly, sigh. You flop back on the bed, rolling over. You have not been this at ease since you died.

‘I really like that guy.’ You close your eyes. ‘I really, honestly do.’

You drift off to sleep, dreamless for the first time in too long.

Table Of Contents

Chapter 6 Part 1

Chapter 7

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cherubcow · 3 years

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“Invincible”, Season 1 (2021) Review

Somehow both very cool and very fucking stupid :D

About Created and written primarily by Robert Kirkman (principle writer for The Walking Dead comic and TV show), this Young Adult cartoon basically synthesizes a number of comic book characters (e.g., Superman, Batman, Green Lantern, Hellboy, Wonder Woman, Gambit) and tries to balance their heroism with cynical twists and dark realities. It's an exercise like Brightburn (2019) in that it mirrors existing comic writing all too closely in order to make violent twists. The cool stuff arrives pretty much immediately. You can tell right away that the physics have some level of realism, and it quickly gets serious because of this. The easy comparison would be to The Boys (also by Amazon, also about violent heroes, and also very well-produced). So, if you like The Boys (2019–), you'll probably like Invincible only a little less.

(( Some spoilers but nothing too specific ))

Wrong Focus But, the stupid stuff comes from the same error that the Kick-Ass movie (2010) made: it focuses on the wrong person(s). In Kick-Ass, the error was focusing on.. well.. "Kick-Ass", an irredeemable loser and waste of screen time. Invincible makes the same mistake, focusing on.. well.. "Invincible", a (so far) irredeemable loser and waste of screen time. So, despite its virtues, this show cannot escape that it made the decision to go for the Young Adult viewing demographic. It reminds me of Alita: Battle Angel (2019) in that way too: some very cool adult concepts ruined by the dramatic devices of unrepentant teenage stupidity and irrelevance. I didn't even like that stuff when I was a teenager, though Jordan Catalano gets a pass.

Main Cast and Characters The supporting characters were also very stupid. The most annoying was definitely Amber Bennett (voiced by the otherwise cool Zazie Beetz from Deadpool 2 (2018) and Joker (2019)),

who is supposed to be attractive somehow to Mark Grayson ("Invincible", voiced by Steven Yeun, who played Glenn on The Walking Dead)

despite the fact that she constantly judges him, fails to understand him, often fails to give him any kind of benefit of the doubt, and continues to scowl at him and be hurtful towards him even when she has information that should change her outlook towards him. And because she is part of the love triangle shared between herself, Invincible/Mark, and "Atom Eve"/Samantha (voiced by the awesome Gillian Jacobs from Community (2009–2014)),

audiences simply have to bear with it that Amber's annoying character will be present and wasting time until Mark can realize that Amber is in fact toxic and that Eve actually understands him and can improve him in more positive directions. That love triangle should have been a 20-minute distraction, but I'm guessing that it will eat up a season or two more, especially if the writers become cowardly and fail to change things for fear of messing up a perceived "winning" formula. In my ideal story line, they would skip ahead 10 years, drop the teen drama, the love triangle, and the stupid jokes and have Invincible and Eve paired in defense of Earth, with the main tension being from their worry that the other would be horribly gored in front of them during lethal fights against cosmic enemies ;)

Aside, I am aware of Amber’s motivation for being a bad person, I just think her justification is not based in understanding, empathy, and a regard for the gravity of Invincible’s situation. In a strict political sense, Invincible should not commit a lie of omission by keeping her in the dark about his identity — even if for the “noble lie” reason of protecting her — but in a real sense, he is a fucking teenager who just developed his super powers. For her to pretend that he should reveal his entire identity to her — a potentially transformative and even dangerous decision — after a few months of teenage romance paints an absurd portrait of her mind. It does, however, align her with Omni-Man, because where Omni-Man forces Invincible to become an adult in the fighting sense (pushing with full force early on), Amber forces Invincible to become an emotional adult by getting him to understand that toxic people such as herself need to be given boundaries — and he needs to learn to clearly delineate and communicate his real desires. By knowing that he does not want Amber, people who regiment his free time, or people who do not suit him, for instance, he can realize why Eve was an obvious decision: Eve understands, can make time when they have time, and will let him find his decisions. Part of a coming-of-age story tends to be realizing what one actually wants, and Invincible’s hesitation in telling Amber his identity shows that he does not truly want her. This separates Invincible from, say, Spider-Man, who avoided telling Mary Jane his identity not because he did not want her but because he wanted at all costs to protect her.

The next most annoying character has to be Debbie Grayson (voiced by TV-cancer Sandra Oh and who luckily was not animated to look like the real Sandra Oh and who should have been voiced instead by Bobby Lee due to Lee's successful MadTV parody of Sandra Oh).

Debbie basically fills the role of Skyler in Breaking Bad, except that Debbie's character tends to be slightly more understanding before her inevitable and toxic Skyler-resentment and undermining behavior. Despite having an 8-episode arc of change, Debbie's character flips too quickly and lacks the empathy and Omni-Man motive-justifying that would make her interesting (the comic's development may vary). For instance, if she refused to believe that Omni-Man meant his own words, that would make her empathetic and perhaps virtuous even if misled, but instead she dropped their "20 years" of understanding after viewing Omni-Man in action, which makes her appear shallow, easily manipulated, and unsympathetic. That was a definite "Young Adult" genre move because it shows immaturity by the writers to break apart a bond of 20 years so quickly. Mediocre teens might accept such a fissure because their lives have not yet seen or may not comprehend that level of time, but adults know that even long-standing and problematic relationships (which, beyond the lie, Omni-Man's and Debbie's was not shown to be) take a lot of time to break — even with lies exposed.

Omni-Man The biggest show strength for me was of course Omni-Man, who in a success of casting was voiced by J.K. Simmons in a kind of reprisal of Simmons' role as Fletcher from Whiplash (2014).

The Fletcher/Omni-Man parallel shows through their being incredibly harsh but extremely disciplined and principled, forcing people to become beyond even their own ideal selves (this via Omni-Man's tough-love teaching of Invincible — comically, Omni-Man was actually psychologically easier on Invincible than Fletcher was on Whiplash's Andrew character). Despite the show's attempts to villainize Omni-Man, he, like Fletcher and also like Breaking Bad's Walter White, becomes progressively more awesome, eventually representing a Spartan will, an unconquerable drive, and a realistic and martial understanding of a hero's role.

To the show's credit, while it wrote Omni-Man to be outright genocidal and from a culture of eugenicists (again, Spartan), they could not help but admire him and his "violence" and "naked force" (for a Starship Troopers reference), giving him a path to redemption. That redemption comes in part because — despite the show's attempt to be often realistic and violent — its decision to be directed at young adults via dumb jokes, petty relationship drama, the characters’ reckless lack of anonymity and security in their neighborhood (loudly taking off and landing right at the doorstep), and light indy music also made the portrayed violence far less literal. With a less literal violence, the real statement becomes not that Omni-Man really did kill so many people (though he certainly did kill those people within the show's plot) but that he was symbolically capable of terrible violence but could be reformed for good. That's the shortcoming with putting violence under demographic limitations. If it's a PG-13 Godzilla knocking down cities, the deaths in the many fallen skyscrapers don't matter so much (the audience will even forgive Godzilla for mass death if it happens mostly in removed spectacle), whereas if it's Cormac McCarthy envisioning a very realistic fiction, every death rides the edge of true trauma.

By showing light between the real and the symbolic, it is much easier to identify and agree with Omni-Man. For instance, when Robot (voiced by Zachary Quinto of Heroes and the newer Star Trek movies)

shows too much empathy for the revealed weakness of "Monster Girl" (voiced by Grey Griffin), the audience may have thought, "Pathetic," even before Omni-Man himself said it. And this because Omni-Man knows that true and powerful enemies (including himself) will not hesitate to use ultra-violence against these avenues of weakness. "Invincible" can make his Spider-Man quips while in lethal battles, but he does so while riding the edge of death — something that Omni-Man has to teach Invincible by riding him to the brink of his own.

Other Cast/Characters and Amazon's Hidden Budget It was impressive how many big-name actors were thrown into this — a true hemorrhage of producer funding. Amazon has so far hidden the budget numbers, perhaps because they don't want people to know that the show (like many of its shows) represents a kind of loss-leader to jump-start its entertainment brand.

Aside from those already mentioned, the show borrows a number of actors from The Walking Dead (WD), including.. • Chad L. Coleman ("Martian Man"; "Tyreese" on WD),

• Khary Payton ("Black Samson"; "Ezekiel" on WD),

• Ross Marquand (several characters; "Aaron" on WD)

• Lauren Cohan ("War Woman"; "Maggie" on WD)

• Michael Cudlitz ("Red Rush"; "Abraham" on WD)

• Lennie James ("Darkwing"; "Morgan" on WD)

• Sonequa Martin-Green ("Green Ghost"; "Sasha" on WD)

There were also connections to Rick and Morty and Community, not just with Gillian Jacobs but also with... • Justin Roiland ("Doug Cheston"), who voices both Rick and Morty in Rick and Morty,

• Jason Mantzoukas ("Rex"),

• Walton Goggins ("Cecil"),

• Chris Diamantopoulos (several characters),

• Clancy Brown ("Damien Darkblood"),

• Kevin Michael Richardson ("Mauler Twins"), and

• Ryan Ridley (writing)

That's a lot of overlap. They even had Michael Dorn from Star Trek: TNG (1987–1994) (there he played Worf) and Reginald VelJohnson from Family Matters (1989–1998) and Die Hard (1988), and even Mark Hamill. Pretty much everyone in the voice cast was significant and known. Maybe Amazon got a discount for COVID since the actors could all do voice-work from home? ;)

Overall Bad that it was for the Young Adult target demo but good for the infrequent adult themes and ultra-violence. Very high production value and a good watch for those who like dark superhero stories. I have heard that the comic gets progressively darker, which fits for Robert Kirkman, so it will likely be worth keeping up with this show.

#invincible #tv review #robert kirkman #invincible tv series #invincible tv show

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fvlminare · 3 years

Text

✗✗✗ you see [ camille rivas ] around lately? yeah i heard that the [ cis female ] is up to no good. [ she / her ] has been here for [ three years ] now but they’re still pretty [ calculating ] which is fine because they’re also [ ardent ] so it balances out. the [ twenty-six ] year old [ dancer at mayhem ] actually looks like a lot like [ sofia carson ], don’t you think? it’s best to watch out, though, because it’s been said that they’re really into [ the rush of cocaine in her veins & a vice grip on her throat ].

henlo it me again! i hope u guys aren’t sick of me yet bc here’s my other bb! say hello to my boss-ass bish gal camile! she’s sassy, classy and a lil badassy. she’s a rather feisty, fiery, ball of rage and anger who cba with ur bullshit tbh n she’ll tell u this too if u piss her off enough! she’s lowkey cutthroat and always out for number one, aka: herself. but, i mean, she does have some redeeming qualities and her hair is bomb af so that makes up for it all really, doesn’t it? basically that meme: ‘ she’s beauty, she’s grace, she’ll punch you in the face. ’ anywho, you know the drill, slap a lil luv on this n i’ll come pester u for all the good stuff : - )

fundamentals.

CAMILLE ALARA RIVAS — twenty-six, dancer at mayhem, + an honest-to-god vixen / hellcat / lil demoness !

aesthetics ➤ dresses of black lace and red velvet, the scent of chanel perfume lingering in the air as she floats past, blood-red fingertips coiled around the pistol grip of a gun, red-bottomed heels clicking against marble floors, rose gold highlighter shimmering along the height of prominent cheekbones, satin dresses draped over a svelte frame that is shrouded in an air of mystery and intrigue, baby pink roses in a vase on the window sill, deft fingers stained with charcoal and oil paint, the melodic chime of piano keys, delicate digits adorned with moonstone gem rings, a coy smile spread across full crimson lips, long raven locks blowing in the cool breeze of a summer’s evening, battered books with dog-eared pages, a sense of freedom and carelessness when dancing for fun, & a sense of allurement and captivation when dancing for work.

nicknames. cam, cami, mil, millie, spawn of satan >:~)

date of birth. april tenth.

gender. cis female.

pronouns. she + her.

birthplace. manhattan, new york.

orientation. pansexual + demiromantic.

education. bachelor of dance degree obtained from nyu tisch school of the arts.

spoken languages. can speak fluent english, spanish, & latin.

negative traits. capricious, ornery, impulsive, guileful, caustic, brusque, obstinate, destructive, deceptive, & promiscuous.

positive traits. ardent, whimsical, intrepid, graceful, poised, elegant, headstrong, observant, independent, & confident.

strengths. optimistic, energetic, creative, practical, spontaneous, rational, knows how to prioritise, great in a crisis, & relaxed.

weaknesses. stubborn, insensitive, private, reserved, easily bored, dislikes commitment, & has a rather risky behaviour.

talents. ballet, knife throwing, hand-to-hand combat, horse riding, figure skating, piano, violin, painting, singing, & dancing.

physiology. hazel eyes. dark brown hair. five feet, four inches tall. of a petite, slender stature with subtle curves and long hair. has a long silvery scar on her back. her skin is clean of any tattoos. has both earlobes pierced. requires glasses but wears contacts most days. is right-handed.

psychology. aries zodiac. fire element. ravenclaw house. istp-a. true neutral. type seven enneagram. choleric temperament. intra-personal intelligence type. addicted to alcohol, tobacco, and cannabis. suffers from addiction and abandonment issues. her vices are lust, greed and wrath. her virtues are ... ( again ) honestly, probably just diligence tbh.

background.

possible triggers : child abandonment, abandonment issues, foster homes, alcohol, drugs, violence, gore, blood, murder, & death.

a synopsis. ok so for this gal, let’s all give a big, warm welcome to sadness ( no, i was in no way at all inspired by salem from sabrina for that line ) bc boy oh boy, her life has been constant grief and pain, tbh. strap in for the bumpy ride, i’ll give u cookies for compensation. OK SO, camille was abandoned as a baby, never did—and still doesn't—know her biological parents and she doesn’t want to either, tbh. she bounced around from foster home to foster home, never sticking in one place for too long. given her turbulent upbringing, she was somewhat of a difficult child. too boisterous, too unruly, too stubborn, too inquisitive. too much of everything but never enough of anything. never enough for anybody to want her. it didn’t take the girl too long to figure out that it was just her alone, against the big bad world. from the age that she was old enough to realise it, camille knew that she had to fend for herself—that she could never truly rely on a single soul but herself. the hollowness inside her chest never quite satiated, leaving her empty and only too well aware of the lack of her real parental figures. as a young adolescent, this started to crawl under her skin and mess with her mind. it rendered her void of affection and unable to form genuine bonds with others—filling her with deep-rooted resentment that festered beneath the surface of the indifferent demeanour she plastered over herself every day. she always felt starved of love: as if some integral part of her heart was missing, leaving a gaping void that nobody could ever fill. anywho, she fell in with the wrong crowd which did little to aid her foster families hostility toward her. truthfully, most of her experiences in various homes were ... not pleasant. she’d encountered abusive ‘parents,’ horrible ‘siblings,’ and even worse schooling days. pressing the self-destruct button is this gal’s speciality thus she found herself gravitating towards her vices: things and people she knew were no good for her. drink, drugs, people, you name it. quickly, she realised that these things were no longer any good at keeping her dark side at bay: she needed something more, something deeper. thus, she began going down the road of petty crimes—stealing cars, smashing windows, theft, setting fires both metaphorically and literally. due to this lifestyle, she wound up entangled with some real shady folk who did … even shadier things. most specifically, she started dating a real jackass who was violent and truthfully, a horrible person, really. stupidly, she decided to run off into the metaphorical sunset with him * insert eye roll emoji here. * so, fast forward a year or so and things took a swift nosedive when her lowlife boyfriend’s hands were round her throat and not in the kinky way. while she’d clawed at him and tried to fight him off, she struggled against his weight and strength until, eventually, she lifted the first makeshift weapon she felt: a rusted pair of scissors. [ TRIGGER FOR VIOLENCE, GORE, BLOOD, MURDER, DEATH ] and, in a blind state of panic, she jammed them right into his jugular vein, his blood squirting out and decorating her face in crimson splatters. he’d stumbled backwards, clutched onto his neck, blood spurting from the webs between his fingers. naturally, camille was shook about this but somehow managed to flee the scene with less guilt rattling her soul than she’d imagined. [ TRIGGER OVER ] in her mind, it was an act of self defence. it wasn’t too long after the incident that she found herself in a rather perilous situation that resulted in her sudden realisation that she needed to get her damn life on track. therefore, she done the responsible adult thing and got herself a decent education. somehow, she managed to get into university where her life started to shape into a positive one—the kind she’d always dreamed of. once she graduated, camille decided that she wanted to see the world. following a couple of years travelling, she wound up in santa ysabel where she quickly fell into the employment of mayhem. admittedly, this was a far cry from the future she’d envisioned when she was just a sweet, innocent lil child. still, all in all, she kind of digs who she is and what she is: after everything she’s been through, she loves herself. it’s been a long and winding road but camille finally believes that she’s settled in her life now. tho she still refuses to let people in, her abandonment issues terrifying her to the degree that she feels that anybody she’d ever let into her life would eventually leave her in the end. * insert sad face emoji here. *

random extras.

her tell? playing with her hair: when she’s lying, nervous, flirting—you name it!

can drink any man under the table.

she loves art in every form: paintings, sculptures, music, dance, people, etc. she loves the freedom that expressing herself through these mediums gives her.

she’s ... experimental. she’s experimented with just about everything: hairstyles, clothing, drink, drugs, people ...

can be hella calculating and vindictive so do not cross her.

quite power-hungry tbh.

she does have a shot at redemption but she doesn’t want it lmao. she’s already been to hell so why bother trying to right her wrongs?

and boy, are her wrongs a century-long list shkjsh.

high key is not above killing people who don’t do things her way.

doesn’t believe she’s capable of loving anyone.

she’s lowkey a perfectionist to the point of being ruthless, also cutthroat and egotistical.

if ya ain’t of use to her, then what the heck is ur purpose???

she’s v ambitious, v morally ambiguous, v self-serving and v self-involved.

she can be ... aggressive sometimes and most definitely has anger issues.

dry sense of humour one million per cent.

her signature look is her blood-red lips.

extremely skilled with knives and blades. and always carries one on her person at all times.

her most prized possession is her brushed chrome zippo lighter. it has her initials engraved into it and where she got it from, or who is something she’ll never tell.

always says she needs to quit smoking but never does and probably never will either.

did someone say ... resting bitch face???

tho when she smiles it’s like sunshine uwu

high key will sleep with anyone.

first place is the ONLY acceptable place, ok???

one of those people who just excels at everything she tries her hand at.

absolutely adores animals. much prefers them to humans.

she’s quite adventurous and loves to feel the adrenaline in her blood.

doesn’t take herself or her life too seriously.

always up for a good time and is usually the life of the party.

outspoken and quick-witted with a sharp tongue.

much too sassy and sarcastic for her own good.

really, she does what she wants to, when she wants to, without seeking the approval of others.

truthfully? she’s a bit of a spitfire if you really irk her. so, watch out.

you can find a pinterest board for her by clicking anywhere here.

#* dj khaled vc * anotha one !!!#slap a lil heart on this n i'll hit ya up for le plots !!!#indulgence.intro

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agreatdepth · 3 years

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Statement about abuse. Huge step.

I just posted what I call my statement of abuse about JB, in a private Facebook group of 1.9 K members of women that date in Los Angeles. It's a page devoted to warning other women in Los Angeles, that are dating or looking, about abusive dating partners and predators. The moderators have not approved the post yet.

A--- and I talked about this today. She thanked me for posting it and coming forward and she hopes there is some punishment for him. I echo that statement.

Here is what I posted, pending approval from the moderators. Aside from the podcast last month (that was done anonymously), this is the first time I have told my story with my name and his in public. I cried a lot this week. I couldn't have done this without the help and support of other survivors.

Even if they don't approve the post for some reason, the important thing is I had the strength and clarity to fight for myself and someone else. One year after I left him, I couldn't leave my bed and wanted to kill myself. Today, I am writing my story and sharing it and I'm ok.

The Statement, with three photos:

I am finally sharing my story because I was almost killed by an intimate partner. I endured 4 years of abuse that included sexual exploitation, physical violence, psychological aggression, control, and verbal abuse on a constant basis. Three years in, I had to make an emergency plan for my safety and leave my home. This has changed my life forever. I am in recovery for PTSD. I appreciate you reading my story.

DON’T DATE: Jason Ball

Dangerous domestic batterer, verbally/emotionally abusive, cruel, manipulating, sociopath. Absolutely no empathy for anyone outside of himself.

He is 36 years old. He frequents Culver City, the UCLA area, Orange County, and the Irvine/Orange Coast College campus. In 2018, he was on OkCupid and Tinder. Although, he has gone dark on almost all social media recently. His Facebook account is still active. Bars he has frequented in Los Angeles: Bigfoot West, Father’s Office, Public School. Last I spoke to him in 2018, he lived in Culver City and stays in Orange County on a regular basis.

I have included some photographs of him from 2012 through 2017. I included one with me standing next to him in 2015; I am 5’4” and 119 pounds and he was 200 lbs. and 6’2”.

I had a serious, long term, committed relationship with him from May of 2013 until I fled my apartment we shared on November 1, 2017. I packed up everything I could fit in my Honda and fled the state. He had already trashed my apartment by that point, including holes in the wall and kick marks from his anger.

I met him online in May of 2013. Things got serious the night we met. For 6 months he kept his behavior at a simmering boil, with the first full blown rage 3 months in. This kind of behavior continued for years. I started seeing a therapist because I was feeling so bad and the gaslighting and manipulation was continuous I had no idea what I was in the middle of yet. A therapist I was seeing in 2014 (because of his abuse) told me that it was only a matter of time until this person killed me, and to leave if I could. I was very abused at that point and didn’t believe her.

On a Sunday night, October 17, 2016, Jason Ball strangled me during an argument in my apartment. He raged at me without warning while we were talking in my dark living room. I do not recall how long he had his hands around my throat. It’s like time stood still, and I remember saying to myself that I might die. With both of his powerful hands around my throat and neck, he threw me across the room and to the floor. I found him in the bathroom, sitting on the tub, saying “I’m going to lose my job now” and “my life is so fucked.” He did nothing to comfort me and cried for himself. He told me right after that happened and years later that 1. I deserved it and 2. Can I blame him for doing that? “You wouldn’t shut up” and 3. “I did it because I have PTSD”. In 2018, when I asked him for accountability for this, he refused, tried to tell me it never happened and I was imaging things, and accused me of harassing him and to never contact him again, ever. To quote abuse counselor Lundy Bancroft: “An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks OTHER people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside.”

At the time of the assault, I was a Medical Assistant and Phlebotomist for a Santa Monica hospital. Less than a month after the assault, I could no longer work and had to quit my job. I was too traumatized to function at this very demanding, 10 hour per day job after being assaulted. I also dropped out of school. And I was too abused, traumatized, gas lit, and broken down at that point to leave. I was now cut off from my friends, family, and all I had around me was his manipulation to keep me there and keep paying the rent…because he paid none for 3 years he lived in my apartment.

For 11 months after the assault, he continued the verbal abuse. He was on “good behavior” for about a month after assaulting me but started it up again. He was angry that I couldn’t work due to now having PTSD and complained that I was home too much now and that “you completely spoil my alone time and making me responsible for your needs”. He told me he felt put upon by me all the time and resentful that I was hurt by his actions. He said my “neediness” was a form of “time theft”, telling me often “I am at capacity for your emotions today, I’m done”. He then asks how I am going to pay the rent, the bills, and that he’s thinking of leaving me because “I feel like I don’t even exist anymore”. All of this AFTER he assaults me and not one word of remorse.

Thank you for reading this far.

I made a list of abusive things he did to me over a 4-year period. I feel these things are important to mention, because these were very manipulative, consistently cruel things that can really shatter someone’s spirit, as it did mine. I believe 100% that he would continue this kind of behavior with new and long-term dating partners. I believe that women are in danger if they date this man.

These things occurred after the initial “love bombing phase” ended for him. He treated me “well” (no yelling, screaming, etc.) for the first 2 months, and things moved to constant abuse:

Physical:

· Pounded fists into my vehicle when he was angry.

· Broke fan vents in my vehicle from pounding on it.

· Threw his cell phone into my wall, denting the wall ½ inch deep.

· Raged and screamed into my face, an inch away from it as he’s raging. This happened too many times to count.

· Raised his fist to me, and my face, in anger, stopping himself.

· Pounded his fists into the wall of my apartment. This also happened too many times to count.

· Kicked the walls and cabinets of my apartment.

· Slammed down the lid of his computer in anger, breaking it irreversibly. He blamed me for “making him mad”.

Verbal/Emotional:

· Silent treatment: deliberately ignoring texts, phone calls, and informing me that he was ignoring them on purpose to “teach me to stop being codependent”.

· Refusal to talk with me on the phone; he insisted on email and only to call him if it was “important”. This started months into dating.

· Raging, yelling, screaming at me for hours for things like interrupting his workday with an email, staying home sick from work, not knowing his schedule, coming home early from work, having to repeat himself, taking my attention off him. It could be anything.

· Ignoring me while I was home: deliberately not speaking to me for hours/days in our small one-bedroom apartment; meanwhile he is on Facebook 24/7 talking with other women, chatting with friends, and playing games with people.

· On several occasions far away from my home, he would get angry at me in a bowling alley, restaurant, or a club and abandon me there, storming out of the place and trying to drive off without me. I would have to run after the car, begging him to let me in. A 2-hour rage session from him would ensue.

· Triangulation: there were several women he was dating when we met, that 1) he said he was still attracted to, constantly 2) said he still wanted to sleep with 3) and that I just needed to stop being old fashioned and that monogamy was for idiots and that I was “controlling”. He raged at me for hours one night after a party because I got upset that he refused to talk with me all night and flirted with the women there.

· We would go to clubs in Los Angeles with his friends. Before we left, he would say “Well, you can go, but do not expect me to talk with you there.” One night, while I was standing in the club alone, he came up and asked if I was upset because he was purposely ignoring me and talking to his friends instead of me.

· For the last 2 years, he said I could not go to parties I was invited to by his friends.

· I was not invited to anything for the last 2 years if it involved his friends.

· Name calling when angry: bitch, Nazi, cunt, asshole, stupid, etc. I would ask him to stop calling me cruel names, and he would do it anyway.

· Mimicking and making fun of PTSD: “Oh, what, can’t you remember?” “Oh, is it your PTSD again?” “I’m not the one with the memory problems.”

· Blaming: “I can’t get any work done because you need constant attention” “I didn’t finish my dissertation because of you” “I don’t get to spend enough time drinking with my friends because of you” “Don’t you know I have something important to do?”

· Cruelty when I asked for affection or any kind of attention: “Tell that to your daddy” “You have daddy issues” “stop making me responsible for your needs” “I feel put upon and resentful”

· Sabotage: he loved to pick fights when we were doing things as a couple. He picked a fight during a “romantic” getaway, and I was guilted, argued with, and screamed at for the next 24 hours. He did this many, many times. It’s almost as if he loved to hold me hostage to his rages, looking back. He would also pick fights the day of/ right before a party we were both invited to, and then tell me I “couldn’t go now” as a punishment.

· He constantly picked fights with his biological family, especially his brother. His dad and his mom were both picked apart in front of me constantly.

· Four months before he strangled me, he told me in my bedroom that “he would fucking kill me” and that he “has nothing to lose” if I ever talk about his friends again. This was in response to me saying that I felt he treated his friends with more respect than me, as his partner.

· From 2014-2017, I endured three years of sexual exploitation and emotional abuse if I did not go along with his plans.

· Wrote derogatory posts about me on Facebook, and when I asked him not to do that, he called me “controlling” “unfair” and “cruel”.

Here is a statement from another survivor:

"I dated Jason in 2012 for about six months. The pattern was classic abuse: love bombing and charming behavior at first lured me into a very serious relationship quickly. He is incapable of true empathy or connection and sees relationships only as negotiations of power. Jason's rages were quickly frequent and intense. He would scream at me for hours and wave his fists as I would cower in a corner. If I argued back or pushed him away, he would scream that I was abusive. The gaslighting was intense. He exploited my finances and my generosity. He seeks adoration and power, and he tries to destroy anyone who gives him less than total devotion. As a result, he looks for naive people (especially younger women) who are easily charmed and impressed. He's preyed on his undergraduate students, and he preys people in the leftist activist 'scene'. In 2012-2014, he was regularly bullying people in public. Maybe he's learned to be more subtle, which only makes him more dangerous."

I’ll leave a quote from a text he sent me in the summer of 2017, after he had assaulted me. I had texted him that a pet had died, and I was sad about that. His response, in text:

“I am at capacity for your emotions. I’m DONE. I guess we can’t have a conversation because you CHOSE to get emotional about it. So, stop sending me things that make me think of you!! So much for having a night that isn’t centered on navigating YOU!! YOU ARE SO SELFISH. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO MY ATTENTION.”

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k-s-morgan · 4 years

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If it’s okay, I wanted to chime in on anon’s complaints about hannigram. The canon/fandom explore dark fantasies without shame and willingly dive into societal taboos like cannibalism, infatuation, obsession, control. It’s an ode to lust, blood, death & destructive love. These fantasies are not uncommon or strange; they’re human. It’s a known and studied phenomenon in many women & men, to mentally ‘play’ with fantasies that they themselves would never commit nor condone in real life. [1/2]

[2/2] An example of this phenomenon is (the poorly named) ‘rape fantasy’. These fantasies are NOT subconscious wishes/desires; psychology has utterly debunked this idea. To quote Psychology Today, “In fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong. Not everyone accepts this, but as sexual openness increases, so does willingness to daydream about sexual scenarios one would never really want to experience.” TD;LR I am allowed to and will explore fantasies that I want to, hannigram included.

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You worded everything so beautifully! I fully agree with you. Having dark fantasies and enjoying them is normal, and it doesn't say anything about a person experiencing them. In most cases, people would absolutely hate the things they imagine.

Rape fantasies is a great example, and I actually have a personal story to share here (WARNING for non-descriptive CSA). I've been having this kind of fantasies since I was 10, and I've been writing stories where I incorporated them (storing them in notebooks for my eyes only). When I was about 15, my very Christian step-aunt came for a visit with her new husband. He was a masseur and he offered me a massage. I agreed, and as he was doing it, I distinctly felt that he was getting more and more inappropriate. But I thought I was imagining things because I just couldn't believe it - the apartment was full of people and he was so religious and all. The next day, we were alone, and he entered my room, sat next to me, started kissing my hair, holding my hand, and telling him stuff like, "You're so beautiful, you look so fragile, just like a child." I realized my first impression was correct. He offered me a massage again and I had to agree because I wasn't sure what I should do yet.

I won't go into details: he started molesting me, but before it went to the point of no return, I managed to talk my way out of the situation. Then I manipulated him into leaving me alone, promising that of course there is nothing wrong with him and I won't tell anyone. Naturally, as soon as he left, I called my mother and grandmother.

My aunt refused to believe me. She said that she secretly read my rape fantasies by going through my notebooks and that since I think and write of this stuff, I must dream of it happening to me for real, so I made everything up. Some of her family members took her side and started asking me if maybe I just imagined it. Fortunately, my parents instilled a very strong sense of self-confidence in me, so I was mostly derisive of their attempts at denial, and I had 100% backing of my immediate family.

Later it turned out that this man already served sentence for pedophilia. My aunt knew it but he told her he was innocent and she believed him. She didn't warn us about it when bringing him into our home. Then it turned out he repeatedly molested my aunt's little granddaughter, and that's when she finally realized I was telling the truth.

So, equating what one likes and enjoys in fiction to what they like in RL is wrong on many levels, no matter how horrifying one’s fantasies are. It's also dangerous because this kind of mindset gives people an excuse for their behavior, which makes no sense when viewed through real examples. For instance, if someone stabs their partner and says, "But Hannibal did it and his partner forgave him, and they have fans who root for them, so why can't I do the same?", it's going to sound crazy, and I doubt even one person would actually blame the show or its fans here.

Fiction is not a justification of anything and it never will be. It's just that, fiction, another way of entertainment, a fairy-tale where nothing happens for real and where everything, including the ugliest things, can be imagined. And that includes romanticized abuse, violence, etc. If someone posts a pic with Hannibal's corpse-Valentine and adds, "Ahh, isn't it romantic?", it's fine. It doesn't mean this person enjoys violence or promotes it, and if someone sees such post and takes it seriously, they have severe problems with distinguishing fiction from reality and need help that goes beyond what the Internet can offer.

#personal

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youeverfeelcursed · 4 years

Text

On the Narrative of Last of Us Part 2 (3/3)

So this should be the last part on the narrative but I’ll probably post more thoughts on characters, representation, maybe on some details of the gameplay that just made me wish I could design something like this and most likely a text on where do I think this franchise is going to.

I will also check and fix the previous posts as I know there’s typos and some mismatched data and maybe some timelines confusing. Logically, it comes with posting at my 3am and working from memory and not notes.

That said, lets just move onto what I hope is interesting enough for people to read these old woman’s ramblings. For anyone still reading, thank you very much for your attention, it’s been a while since I truly enjoyed analizing an art piece.

(Note: I’m marking this post for rechecking as I feel its a bit convoluted. I blame it being 4am.)

We ended the previous Act 3 (Abby’s Act) with a overhead shot (or aerial if you prefer) of Ellie and Dina on different sides of the shot, close but separated with Ellie being bathed by a red light and both represented in a descending oblique line from Dina to Ellie.

I find it a wonderful shot that represents Ellie’s story in few and simple details.

(For those interested, the name in the screenshot is from MkIceAndFire a No commentary channel I follow, go check him out!)

From here, we jump to what I called the respise intermission, a short part but full of important details for the understanding of the next and final act.

Like a moth to the flame, or how living sometimes is harder than dying.

The next part of Ellie’s story is as bittersweet as the best coffee you’ll ever have. We find her reminiscencing over Joel’s watch on hers and Dina’s bedroom. Putting it away we get to finally hold in our arms the cutest potatoe I’ve ever seen: JJ! Jesus that child is cute. And it’s obvious that Ellie loves him with all her heart.

During this time we get to explore the beautiful they both probably restored to live in, in which it specially caught my attention how Ellie surprinsingly gets a full room for herself, whereas Dina seems to have a small space in the living room , where the photo of her sister sits.

I loved this part so much but I could feel that something was wrong, and it is. If we read Ellie’s diary we find out that she’s having trouble sleeping and dealing with people, needing to hide and what’s most likely profound PTSD thats later shown with her breaking down after herding all the sheep.

A detail that I found important is the fact that she breaks down while having JJ in her arms, which has to be removed by Dina in case she hurts him during her seizure. Because remember that for Ellie protecting those she cares for is very important, so, does she feel she can protect them now?

Stop for a minute and think of how hard is for nowadays soldier to treat PTSD even with psychological support and meds, and how many of those war survivors end commiting suicide anyway. Now imagine that same in a world where violence is constant - yes they live peacefully in the farm but do you really think they don’t have to deal with any straggler? - and there’s basically zero to none mental health support.

Thats where it is important to pay attention to the moment when Ellie is coming back from hunting, how she cleans her face and takes a deep breath and puts her mask on - an obvious referal to her words in her diary - just before going back to Dina and JJ.

I mean this is not the face of a person fully happy, its the face of a person thats putting her best front but catastrophically failing her inner battle.

Tommy’s visit manages to break any remainer of the mask she tried to maintain so hard. It is obvious how while he tells her how he found information about Abby that with every word she breaks a little bit more. The trembling, tight shut lips and her open wide eyes that look as hopeful as they look lost.

If this were another world, one in which I believe Ellie could get help, I would have hated that she left. But she says it herself, she doesn’t sleep, she doesn’t eat, she has a full room for herself so she can have space and even so she leaves for long times alone. She’s not really living, she’s riding the waves as they come but never truly enjoying it because by now her trauma is so deep I would have been surprised that she stayed.

Because when Tommy talks about Abby, she feels a light, a hope of being able to just pour all of this shit out of her. Abby is not even important anymore, shes just a barrier for Ellie for her own liberation from her demons. Or thats what she thinks.

She truly does JJ and Dina, but she’s completely broken inside. She’s missing pieces and for her, this is a chance of regaining them. It’s not even about vengeance anymore, it’s about rest. An end. Closure.

What comes around, goes around. Or how Santa Barbara was the so needed eye opening.

I was truly happy to see Abby and Lev being kind of silly and well, happy. They are the example of how you can heal when you learn to forgive both yourself and others. A extreme image compared to what we’ll see from Abby next time.

Fast-forward to Ellie after leaving the Rattlers village. Look at Ellie, she’s slightly delirious - Abby, Abby, Abby, Abby... - completely battered, skinny, with a fucked up side, half limping and pulling through out of sheer desesperation. She needs to do this, because if she doesn’t everything she left behind - Dina, JJ, Jackson - will be for nothing. She says it herself in her diary, she cannot think of that.

And it’s funny. It’s funny there she goes. She helps Abby down and follows both of them to two small boats where she makes a scranny and completely eaten up Abby battle with her in exchange of not hurting Lev.

The battle is sad. Abby contrary to Ellie had started healing so she didn’t want to battle. But it’s sad, these two beautiful human beings battling against each other as shadows of what they used to be, eaten away by life, hate and stupid decisions. You just feel like being over it because by this point it just feels completely stupid to keep warring.

And there, Ellie doesn’t kill Abby. We get a flashback of Joel playing the guitar that stops her from killing her.

And it’s funny, it’s funny because without Ellie both Lev and Abby would be rotting in those pillars. She left her home to kill a woman and ends saving both their lives! Why would she do that?

We end this Act 4 with Ellie alone, watching the last remains of her flame disappear into the nothing. Rock bottom. You cannot go down further. That’s what it means. She left her family, Tommy is crippled and kind of hates her, Jesse is death, Joel is death, Ryley is death.

And yet she left Abby leave. But why?

The answer to all this crazyness is in the last flashback of her and Joel and a few words that are thrown into the night.

“I was supposed to die in that hospital. My life would’ve fucking mattered. But you took it from me!”

Purpose.

Yes, purpose. A meaning to her life. A meaning that has been ripped from her hands multiples times in situations out of her control. Is this what she really wants? Her life to revolve around vengeance? Is this what she’s choosing?

So for once, she decides for herself and she decides that no. She doesn’t want that path. It’s not enough anymore.

Ellie was supposed to die with Riley, but she survived and found out that’s she’s immune.

Ellie traveled from one side to another of USA to be the solution to humanity’s problem. To help create a vaccine, whatever the cost. She was ready for it, she was ok with it. But it was ripped from her and lied about it multiple times.

Imagine thinking you’re immune but that it means absolutely nothing. After getting yourself mentally ready for whatever it would happen, you are told that you’re useless. That you cannot help. That you’re worthless.

Worthless.

She ends in Jackson, And learns she’s been betrayed by the person she trusted most, that she could have meant something instead of just living taking care of cows and patrolling.

It was impossible for Ellie to remain the same even before Joel’s death. Because Ellie is a very complicated character made of survivor guilt, a need to have a purpose in life, too many personal loses and self hating. Not only that, but all of this happens during her adolescence, a time which is hard to deal already without all these traumas piling up.

Joel’s killing is what makes the bomb explode. Suddenly she can do something, she can leave Jackson and she can revenge him. Again, purpose. She can feel alive because she’s got finally a direction. It’s just not the correct one, because we all know that hate is a terrible guide but for her, is the only guide amids the fog.

Ellie is a character that has been lost from the moment she learned she could have helped humanity. Chasing Abby was literally the easy path to take to give some meaning to her life.

When she was with her family at the ranch, I truly believe she wanted her purpose to be to protect her family, but it was something impossible for her to do in her condition. She tried hard, but she couldn’t do it. Her diary again sheds some light on these, on how she feels she has nothing else to give to them.

We know that, if Joel hadn’t been killed, she could have healed given enough time. She could have forgotten him. She could have find a motivation in Jackson. But there’s so much you can push something until it completely breaks.

I think that, at the end of the game, when she walks from the ranch she realizes she cannot keep going like this. That if she wants her life to mean something, she has to do it herself instead of just waiting for it to happen. And I feel I know which way she will take next and why.

Although the ending might seem sad, I found it strangely positive. The circle comes to a end, the guitar that Joel cleaned in the first seconds of the game, is put down by an Ellie lacking two of her left hand fingers impossible, to play it again that way. It is an act of moving on, but not of forgetting.

Of finally attaining peace of mind, and the chance of recovering herself.

#the last of us 2 #the last of us II #the last of us part 2 #tlou #tlou part 2 #tlou 2 #the last of us 2 narrative #the last of us 2 analysis

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anhed-nia · 5 years

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BLOGTOBER 10/21/2019: TERROR IN THE WOODS

I consider this to be the second Slender Man movie that I viewed this blogtober season. Previously, I wrote about THE TALL MAN, a twisty 2012 thriller by Pascal Laugier, the writer-director of 2008′s MARTYRS, which is coincidentally about a pair of traumatized young women who are driven to violence by the belief that they must placate a monstrous supernatural entity. THE TALL MAN does not share that similarity with the Slender Man mythos, but it makes a familiar proposal: A tall shadowy male figure emerges from the forest to abscond with children, for reasons that may be either murderous, or that may instead offer lonely and dejected little kids an escape into a sort of gothic Neverland. This odd killer-savior dichotomy reflects the pathos at the heart of Slender Man fandom, an obsession that thousands of ordinary young people shared with juvenile attempted murderers Morgan Geyser and Anissa Weier. Their story is so well-known that it feels a little embarrassing to explain that the eerie Slender Man is the fictitious product of an online Photoshop contest. His first appearance, surrounded by young victims and/or acolytes, was captioned thusly:

“We didn't want to go, we didn't want to kill them, but its persistent silence and outstretched arms horrified and comforted us at the same time… “

The images’ combination of spooky shit and childhood innocence would have felt pretty cliche even in 2009, but the conflation of victimization with salvation is a potent one. It evokes both the escapist bent that is so pronounced in children, and also the death drive--the psychoanalytic idea that people are subconsciously attracted to their own inevitable and perhaps cathartic conclusions. Maybe someone has already named this form of suicidal ideation that represents both the desire for everything to stop, and the hopeful fantasy that death could be the beginning of something else; If so, I would love to read about it. For want of that, we have the sadly overexposed yet still poorly understood story of 12 year olds Moran Geyser and Anissa Weier attempting to make a sacrifice of their supposed friend Payton Leutner to the Slender Man. A thinly-veiled version of this story is articulated successfully in the Lifetime original movie TERROR IN THE WOODS.

The generic title gives no hint of what this well-acted and psychologically realistic production is like. While no names are named, including the Slender Man’s, Ella West Jerrier and Sophie Grace play extraordinarily convincing stand-ins for Geyser and Weier, as the awkward, isolated little girls who become increasingly obsessed with a Creepy Pasta-like website where they find out about a demonic creature called the Suzerain. Like the Slender Man, the terms of one’s relationship with the Suzerain are complicated. Once you have its attention, you have to make a blood sacrifice, or else it will annihilate your family. However, making the sacrifice brings the strange reward of being accepted into the Suzerain’s remote mansion, where you live forever as his slave. That might not sound too good to just anybody, but an unhappy, confused, and powerless person sees in it an escape from the ravages of the mundane world, and also a relief from the painful burden of personal responsibility, as the Suzerain becomes your ultimate and eternal authority. This is where the Payton Leutner character comes in (played perfectly by Skylar Morgan Jones), an even more naive and immature classmate who was being edged out of girls’ triangle before the Suzerain “chose” her for sacrifice.

While I feel concerned about some of the oversimplified causes that TERROR IN THE WOODS seems to identify--chiefly, well-meaning but absent parents who are too concerned with their personal dramas to notice the murder plot hatching under their noses--the movie nails perpetrator’s personalities, keeping the focus appropriately on their emotional turmoil and complex delusions. Minus the acerbic comedy, TERROR sometimes feels like a Todd Solondz picture, with true to life characters rendered in agonizing detail, especially Skylar Morgan Jones, who is as unlikable as she is undeserving. Their vulnerability, their tackiness, and their juvenile pretensions are all beautifully fleshed-out. One rarely sees an honest, warts-and-all portrayal of young children in anything besides obnoxiously arty, explicit indie dramas, and this quality puts Lifetime ahead of the curve (as they often are) in terms of a certain kind of domestic realism. Even the attempted murder scene pulls no punches, graphically depicting the savage stabbing of a little girl who ends up drenched in blood and rolled in forest floor detritus.

As I just suggested, I object somewhat to the easy-out presented here, that all of this could have been prevented if only the parents were more attentive to their children’s internet activity, and more suspicious of their perceived emotional states. Today I watched the two hour 20/20 special about the crime, in which a lot of professional adults say a lot of incredibly stupid things about the “obvious” problems with Geyser and Meier. “Is ‘I want to die’ a normal thing for a child to write?” blusters one expert rhetorically about a diary entry, at which I nearly screamed “OF COURSE IT IS!” Anyone who never experienced such exaggerated feelings of emotional exhaustion as a young teen would have to be either extremely sheltered, or sort of a psychopath themselves. Throughout the special, grownups who think Apple Jacks should taste like apples spar over whether Geyser and Morgan are just fundamentally bad people, completely ignoring the complex and detailed psychology laid out in the Slender Man literature itself. On one hand is the threat of family annihilation by this creature in whom the two girls manifestly deeply believed. On the other hand, respite from a continued life of bullying and rejection from all of their peers. Fear, sadness, alienation, and actual mental illness permeate this tragic story. In fact, the girls were ultimately diagnosed with schizophrenia and shared psychosis, respectively. However, even with all that on the table, some individuals remain happy to go on TV post-trial speculating frothily that these kids just wanted to know what it felt like to commit murder, and that maybe in this story we have discovered “that rarest of things--an evil 12 year old!”

It isn’t that I don’t think evil 12 year olds can exist. I don’t believe in the patent innocence of children any more than I believe that parents are completely capable of knowing (and changing) their child’s every thought and feeling, down to the ability to determine that something as outrageous as a blood sacrifice is a real life possibility and not just a relatively normal morbid musing for a normally emo-y kid. Trying to imagine that level of domestic detective work reminds me of the superior documentary DEPROGRAMMED, which details how the filmmaker’s rebellious brother had his life ruined by parents who convinced themselves that he was a legitimate and dangerous devil worshipper. Life just isn’t that simple, and this urge to find simplistic causes and solutions for unpredictable events is no more rational or mature than the urge to find solace in an imaginary kingdom with no parents and no homework. At this point, I feel like I should apologize for failing to address this movie, which I really liked a lot, as much as I addressed the story of the Slender Man stabbing. TERROR IN THE WOODS is roundly well-acted, appropriately sympathetic to all parties, and soberly told. It’s just hard for me to separate the story from the movie, as both have potent things to say about how we underestimate the psychological complexity of childhood. I don’t have solutions to propose, except that I think a good place to start would be with responsible adults relinquishing their own shallow certainty about what can happen and what we can do.

#terror in the woods #blogtober #sophie grace #ella west jerrier #skylar morgan dunbar #angela kinsey #drew powell #true crime #slender man #urban legend #creepy pasta #thriller #drama #horror #dj viola #amber benson

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justalittlelitnerd · 4 years

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Angry God by L.J. Shen

Man this book was a wild ride from start to finish. I knew from Pretty Reckless and Broken Knight that Vaughn had issues that were borderline sociopathic (all of the main characters in the previous books comment on his weird habits and lack of emotions) but nothing prepared me for his almost psychotic behavior.

The book starts with the history of Vaughn and Lenora’s relationship which began on a family trip where he killed jellyfish and they bonded over a brownie. It then continued to them both attending a summer art program at Lenora’s father’s academy in London when they were preteens and Lenora witnesses Vaughn in a compromising position. A 13-year-old Vaughn breaks into Lenora’s room, darkly threatening her if she breathes a word of what she saw.

Five years later, they haven’t seen each other since that night, Lenora’s mom has died, her father and sister have moved to the US to they very place where Vaughn attends high school, and prior to her senior year they convince her to join them. Neither of them are the same, both darker and damaged by their teenage years. Lenora swears she won’t let Vaughn rattle her even as he makes it his mission to make her life a living hell. Between stalking her, breaking into her house, making her stitch him up when he’s been low-key (I say low-key because it wasn’t fully intentional) stabbed, drawing the wrath of all the mean girls to her, and a million other things that are absolutely insane they keep getting drawn together by a sort of unhealthy possessiveness & obsession.

This book was by far my least favorite of the three and that was in part to the lack of a clear trigger warning. I knew based on the previous books that the family dynamics would be complex and the characters would have an unexpected darkness to them. But nothing prepared me for the violence, the public sex acts (though it was mentioned in the previous novels), the BLOOD PLAY (just really not my thing), and the graphic sexual assault/molestation. I had a feeling going into this book that something happened to Vaughn when he was younger to create his issues with sex and intimacy, but I was by no means expecting it to be graphicly depicted. Talking about the psychological effects of molestation is one thing (it still needs a trigger warning, but it’s important to discuss) but actually showing the acts is completely another. As soon as I realized what was happening I skimmed the retelling because it was just too hard to read and I couldn’t imagine how someone would feel if they had similar experiences.

So basically approach this book with caution.

Keep reading for my favorite quotes from this crazy novel.

Ars Longa, Vita Brevis. Art is long, life is short. The message was clear: the only way to immortality was through art. Mediocrity was profanity. It was a dog-eat-dog world, and we were leashed upon each other, hungry, desperate, and blindly idealistic.

We had the talent, the status, the money, and the opportunity. But if we were silver, Vaughn Spencer was gold. If we were good, he was brilliant. And when we shone? He gleamed with the force of a thousand suns, charring everything around him. It was like God had carved him differently, paid extra attention to detail while creating him. His cheekbones were sharper than scalpel blades, his eyes the palest shade of blue in nature, his hair the inkiest black. He was so white I could see the veins under his skin, but his mouth was red as fresh blood—warm, alive, and deceiving.

Lenora didn’t strike me as a party girl. She had the strange gene, the one that made her stick out like a sore thumb wherever she went, even without the Maleficent wardrobe. I could tell because I had it, too. We were weeds, rising from the concrete, ruining the generic landscape of this yacht club town.

Watching her react to me was like feeling the first rays of sun after a long winter.

“Y’all gonna slow-dance to a Billy Joel song? If so, don’t forget to leave room for Jesus. And Moses. And Muhammad. And also Post Malone, because hey, he’s kind of a religion now, too.”

My heart accelerated to a dangerous speed, fireflies bursting forth as though escaping a Mason jar. Kissing him was like standing on the edge of a cliff. Nice view, but you knew it was deadly. Still, a stupid, irrational, dangerously alive part of you still wanted to hurl yourself down to meet your own demise. I felt his lips on more than just my lips. I felt them in my fingertips, all the way down to my toes. I felt them when my skin broke into goosebumps.

Heartbreak was a mystical, double-edged sword from where I was standing. And I had no desire to experience the full range of emotions in a car crash of feelings. Not ever going there.

“I don’t believe you, but I’ll still catch you,” he said. “I will always catch you, the fucking dumbass that I am.” “What do you mean?” “You soften me.” “Why?” “Because I don’t want to fucking kill you! You’re too fun to fuck with. Now Get. The. Hell. Down.”

There was nothing more beautiful than watching Vaughn Spencer let go.

I said nothing, not really in the mood to correct her and tell her I hadn’t asked whether she believed in ghosts or not because I knew the answer already. It was what made her presence bearable. When we were in a room together, all our ghosts were waiting on the other side of the door. I could hear them.

Strong words, but time, I found, had two opposite effects. Either it made the pain dull and evaporated the anger or it allowed you to stew in your fury, multiplying your rage.

"Don’t take this the wrong way, but you are a bit unhinged.” He said “a bit” for the sake of civility. Truth was, you couldn’t be a bit unhinged, just like you couldn’t be “a bit” dead. Being crazy demanded commitment, which I certainly showed.

He came to her room every night. Not that I was keeping tabs or anything. I was just in the neighborhood when it happened. And by in “the neighborhood,” I mean in her hallway, lurking. And by “in her hallway, lurking,” I mean clearly I needed professional help, an intervention, and a fucking life. I found myself standing behind a Louise Bourgeois statue for hours daily, waiting like some kind of a rabid Belieber.

I pushed the door open, hoping to find her working or reading or converting to a religion where she could only have sex with people named Vaughn Spencer.

I knew Vaughn was incapable of falling in love, but I wanted to steal pieces of him. His time. His talent. His words. His smiles. And yes, his virginity, too. I was a thief of everything Vaughn Spencer.

“I am hell bound, and you are heaven sent. You’re the first girl I ever looked at and thought…I want to kiss her. I want to own her. I wanted you to look at me the way you look at your fantasy book—with a mixture of awe, anticipation, and warmth. I gave you a brownie, hoping you’d remember me sweetly, praying the sugar rush would spin a positive feel around that vacation. I remember how you looked at me when you saw me killing jellyfish. I never wanted you to look at me like that ever again.”

At nineteen, I no longer had a beating heart. I wore a death mask everywhere I went, and I was thirsty for revenge. For his blood. There was just one, tiny problem that did not occur to me beforehand. Namely, his niece, Lenora, who’d shoved a heart back into my chest. Now that it was beating again, I didn’t know what to do.

We were an unfinished business, personal and always walking the tightrope between love and hate. But we were always something, Len. We will always be something. You might move on and marry someone else, have his children and get your happily ever after, but you will never be completely done with me. And that’s the small chunk of mirth I allow myself. That’s my half of the brownie. That’s my one, perfect summer moment in the South of France, watching the face of the girl I will love forever for the very first time. Because, Lenora Astalis, this is love. It’s always been love. Love with many masquerade masks, twisted turns, and ugly truths. I don’t know where I’ll go from here, but I’ll be wishing you were there...It is worthy and beautiful, just like you. I wish I were strong enough not to do what I need to do. I wish I could get the girl. Because, Len, you are her. You are that girl. My safe place. My asymmetric happiness. My Edgar Allan Poe poem. You are my Smiths, and my favorite fantasy book, my brownie, and summer vacations in lush places. There will never be anyone else like you. And that’s exactly why you deserve someone better than me. Love, Vaughn

He just hung in the pregnant air, suspended by strings of cruel hope and tragic impossibility. Heartbreak had a taste, and it exploded in my mouth every time I tried to smile.

“You saw what I wanted you to see. I think I always had this idea that you should be my savior, but naturally, the stubborn ass that I am, I didn’t understand it. Now I do. I want you to save me today, and tomorrow, and in a month, and in a year, and in a decade. Save me. Give me your best and your worst and everything in between. I’ve always watched my dad loving my mom and thought he was stuck in a state of insanity. But he wasn’t. Turns out, love really can be that fucking intense.”

#angry god #l.j. shen #all saints high #vaughn spencer #lenora astalis #vaughn x lenora #hs romance #enemies to lovers #bully romance #new adult romance #romance books #books #book blog #booklr #quotes #book quotes

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