Eddie woke up to Steve holding him from the back, his face buried in Eddie's hair.
He laid there, awake. The soft, winter morning sun was peeking through the cracks in Steve's window's shutters. He ran the events of last night in his head, not completely sure if it actually happened or if he dreamed it all, but he was, in fact, in Steve's Harrington's bed. Steve was hugging him, and he could feel his breath on the back of his neck.
His body jumped. He was in Steve Harrington's bed, and he probably shouldn't be. He definitely overstayed his visit. He detangled himself from Steve's grasp and slowly got out of bed. He started wearing his shoes when Steve mumbled at him in a sleepy voice.
"Leaving already..?" his hand reached out, like trying to grab Eddie back into bed and into his warm embrace.
"Yeah," Eddie answered with an apologetic chuckle, "Wayne, you know, he'd probably be worried if I'm not home..." he made up an excuse and got up from the floor, fixing his clothes.
"And you're planning to walk back to the trailer park?" Steve sat up and stretched, "it's freezing outside, I'll take you there."
Eddie nodded and smiled, still not believing he's standing in Steve Harrington's bedroom. Steve's bed hair was a sweet mess, he fixed it mindlessly while putting his feet inside his slippers, and then pulled a hoodie over his head, messing his hair all over again. Eddie was watching him, and couldn't remove his eyes from him. He was following him around the room and realized he's never seen him so... raw.
"Ready?" Steve asked, cutting Eddie's thoughts.
"Yeah, yes." He almost whispered while following Steve's down the stairs and towards the door. The closer they got down, the slower he became. He now wasn't sure why he wanted to leave in the first place.
Steve opened the door widely and a burst of cold air washed them. Snow was covering everything. The road, Steve's car, that its wheels were half buried, even the doorstep had a good amount of snow on it. Steve looked at his slippers, to his car and then turned back to Eddie, who was getting closer to the door to see what Steve was seeing.
"Well, I guess you're stuck with me." Steve shrugged and closed the door, while trying to hide a smile. Eddie rolled his eyes, but was, unsuccessfully, trying to hide his smile as well.
Steve was leading them into the kitchen. "I'm making hot chocolate, do you want some?"
Eddie, who was still recovering from the freezing air that came into the house, accepted the offer before he could think about it, "sure, with whipped cream?" he added.
Steve shook his head, "if you want, I can add whipped cream, Eddie, yes."
"That's very romantic of you, Harrington." Eddie replied almost immediately, making Steve freeze with a small pot midair. Eddie released a small giggle when Steve's pot made its way to the stove, and leaned with his back to the countertop.
Steve turned the stove on and went to get milk from the fridge. "Are we... gonna talk about last night?" He eventually asked.
"Well, I don't know, do you want to talk about it?" Eddie was looking at Steve wandering around the kitchen, trying to find chocolate. "I mean, you initiated this entire operation." He added with a smile.
Steve blushed. "it wasn't an operation!" He stirred the milk. "it just... felt right."
"Which part?" Eddie teased and came closer to Steve, who was intensely looking at the boiling milk, completely avoiding Eddie's gaze.
"All of it." He said after a few seconds, now looking up straight into Eddie's brown eyes, that were piercing him and looking straight into his soul.
He closed the gap between them and kissed Eddie softly on the mouth, who leaned into the kiss immediately and brought his hands up to hold Steve's face.
Steve left the spoon in the milk and pulled Eddie closer. He wrapped his arms around his waist and his fingers were playing with the bottom of Eddie's shirt, caressing his lower back and teasing the elastic of his boxers.
Eddie smiled against Steve's lips and closed his fingers around Steve's neck, his rings tangling in his hair and his thumbs discovering the shape of his jaw. He slipped his tongue into Steve's mouth and Steve was cought off guard, but then smiled back and let his tongue explore Eddie's mouth as well.
They were kissing and trying to hold each other as close as they can, breathing and almost devouring each other, when Steve held Eddie tight and lifted him onto the countertop. Eddie broke the kiss for a second to laugh, "you really are strong," he whispered and Steve rolled his eyes and kissed him again, moving his hands across Eddie's thighs and pulling his closer by his waist. Eddie's breath was taken away with every movement Steve made. He brought his hands down slowly towards Steve sweatpants' waistband, and pulled it, carefully, with his right hand. It was Steve's turn to lose his breath, and he put his hand around Eddie's neck and pulled him into a deeper kiss. Eddie's other hand held onto Steve's, and he slipped his hand into Steve's pants, grabbing his ass and squeezing softly. Steve released a small moan into Eddie's mouth and then the milk overflowed all over the stove and the countertop, covering everything in a bubbling, white liquid.
They broke the kiss and Eddie jumped off, running away from the hot milk and laughing into Steve's shoulder, who was now completely red, but he was still holding Eddie.
"Uh..." He rubbed the back of his head, "I guess we should clean that..."
Eddie was still laughing, "yeah, I think we should," he detached himself from Steve. "Do you have paper towels, or something?"
Steve pulled the towels from under the sink and the two boys cleaned in silence, smiling to themselves and trying to take in everything that just happened.
"That was all the milk," Steve said in disbelief, "all of it spilled, can you believe it??"
"Well, you weren't really watching it, it wanted some attention," Eddie teased and Steve threw the paper towels roll at him. "I'm sorry, fuck," he ditched it, "you violent man, you should try sports."
"Oh, you think?" Steve picked up the roll from the floor, "I heard sex burns a lot of calories." he teased back, and it was Eddie's turn to blush.
"I could do tea," he eventually succeeded saying, completely ignoring Steve's comment, like they weren't about to do just that five minutes ago.
"Then tea it is," Steve declared, amused by Eddie's loss of words.
He made the tea and Eddie was watching him, again. He found him fascinating. Even in silence, Steve was the perfect balance of clumsy and graceful, he was soft, but strong, he was not great with words, but knew to deliver his point perfectly. He was mysterious, and it still surprised Eddie to see him like that, real, out of bed, awkward yet leading. He felt like he was getting a glimpse of something he wasn't supposed to see. Like he was playing with fire, but he was so ready to get burnt.
"There you go," Steve handed him a cup of tea and pulled him out of his mind, "are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah... thank you." He took the cup and Steve led them into the living room. He placed his cup on the coffee table and went to revive the fire. Eddie sat carefully on the couch, put his cup down and grabbed a blanket from the basket on the side. He sipped his hot tea slowly, and Steve joined him on the couch.
Eddie opened up the blanket, like inviting Steve in. Steve smiled at him, kicked his slippers off, and got under the blanket next to Eddie. He put his head on his shoulder and and Eddie, almost automatically, hugged him tight with his free hand. Steve slipped his hand under Eddie's shirt and dragged his fingers across his stomach. Eddie flinched as it tickled, and Steve stopped, and just laid his hand there, moving just his thumb with all the affection a small thumb movement can give, and sank deeper into Eddie's shoulder.
"Aren't you drinking your tea?" Eddie asked quietly after a few minutes.
by the way if your hand goes under my skirt when we’re in public and you start playing with my pussy and whispering degrading things in my ear softly then i am not legally responsible for my following actions
Out of all of Ian's songs, "So Beautiful" is one of my absolute favorites, especially the MV because of [again] the visuals and how accurately they convey what being Bipolar is like or what going through an episode is like.
Often I have the hardest times knowing I'm in an episode (until it's escalated significantly) because I go from being "unable" or "meh" to being able, and --like the quote above;
I can't tell if I've entered into a mood episode, or if I'm generally just having a good day.
You'll see this in a lot of my journal entries, but lack of control is major when (in my experience) it comes to being Bipolar.
Having no control over your own mental stability is "maddening"...for lack of a better term.
Around three years ago, I watched SKAM France and began to wonder if I was Bipolar.
Seeing Eliot, all I could think was: "Yeah that's me."
But since I didn’t know if I actually had it — I started mood journaling — and eventually I went to a psychiatrist (don’t get it twisted, I went for depression LOL — and because I was seeking to find an ADHD evaluation), and yeah. I was diagnosed with both ADHD and Bipolar.
Now — you might ask: “How can you NOT know or realize you have bipolar disorder?” And ohooooo my friend, let me TELL you.
— Depressive Episodes—
In Bipolar (though no one experiences it the same way — it’s a spectrum, but there are some general commonalities), there tend to be more depressive episodes than manic or hypomanic episodes.
“Although mania and hypomania specifically identify bipolar illness, depression is of major concern in patients with bipolar disorder, because depressive symptoms are far more frequent than manic symptoms and most suicides occur during the depressive phase.” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1324957/)
In this academic article about the burden of bipolar depression within bipolar disorder, it shares studies particularly on how Bipolar
People with Bipolar usually seek help when they’re in a depressive phase; and are therefore often misdiagnosed as MDD — Major Depressive Disorder. The problem with this is that MDD treatment, usually going onto antidepressants, can send the Bipolar patient into acute mania, mixed states, and/or rapid cycling states. (I will define these in a second.)
“Bipolar disorder has a negative impact on virtually every facet of a patient's life, with depressive symptoms having a particularly strong effect on patient well-being. Depressive symptoms predominate over hypomanic/manic symptoms in the courses of both bipolar I and bipolar II disorders. In prospective studies of the natural history of bipolar disorder, bipolar I patients reported experiencing depression for 31.9% of weeks and hypomanic/manic symptoms for only 8.9%, whereas bipolar II patients reported depression for 50.3% of weeks and hypomanic/ manic symptoms for only 1.3%.”
“Similar findings on the prevalence of depressive symptoms were reported in a study of 258 outpatients admitted to the Stanley Foundation Bipolar Network. Approximately 25% of these patients reported being ill for more than three quarters of the year, with a mean of 214 days depressed, and 40% were intermittently ill, with a mean of 120 days depressed. An overview of findings from the Stanley Foundation Bipolar Network concluded that, despite treatment, bipolar outpatients remain significantly affected by their illness, with depressive symptoms posing a greater problem for effective treatment than mania.”
“Over 60% of patients in the Stanley Center Bipolar Disorder Registry were unemployed, despite the fact that 30% had completed college.”
“Termination of mood stabilizers may also have negative effects in patients with bipolar disorder. In published studies of patients with bipolar disorder who discontinued lithium treatment, suicide rates rose 20-fold and affective illness recurred in 67% of patients during the first year after discontinuation of lithium. Termination of treatment with other mood stabilizers, including the atypical antipsychotics, may be associated with negative outcomes.”
These are quotes taken from the same source quoted above in red.
So — for me, since my onset of Bipolar was around puberty (late middle school; early high school), added in with the emotional dysregulation of ADHD, my mood episodes were something I had gotten used to, and that I thought were normal. (LOL.)
Plus, I didn’t realize or know what hypomania and mania was; ergo—I only really recognized the major depressive episodes. “Ah, everyone gets depressed <33.” ←My bonkers thought process.
I didn’t realize my intensity of depression was something that people didn’t normally experience — in fact, I remember talking to my little sister, and she told me she barely ever got depressed, and when she did it was just for a short period of time. The ‘surprised pikachu’ meme would be apt here, LOL!
My wake-up call that it wasn’t normal was a tv show (SKAM — the french one; though I have watched the OG one.) that had an accurate portrayal of Bipolar Disorder in one of the main characters. The way they went from happy elation; that flirty feeling of being on-top of the world, to the fall into a major depressive episode.
That depression was all too familiar to me. Literally looked the EXACT fvcking same.
Three best portrayals of what my sudden depressive episodes look like:
 Mr. Robot — Eliot bawling his eyes out in episode 1. (20:00 Minutes in Timestamp)
(Link clip example here)
 Eliot Demury — Skam France (And Even — OG SKAM)
 Ian Gallagher, Shameless (U.S)
— (Linked clip example here)
I don’t know how to exactly describe it. Sometimes there’s just this overflow of emotion that makes me either cry or laugh or both. But mostly….it’s the apathy. Nothing matters. Nothing. The reason I don’t really care anymore about others’ opinions is because once I felt that apathy — that feeling of emptiness; of not caring — because life was nothing; I was nothing. So anyone’s negative opinions of me didn’t matter, I didn’t care about myself, so whatever they said ‘was probably right’ ←in my head; but it was as good as dust to me because nothing and no one could beat the hate I had for myself, OR the sh*t I was telling myself.
It’s fvcked up, I know. Even more fvcked up — is that there would be days I couldn’t get out of bed for a week. I would lay in bed. I wouldn't eat, it would be rare if I got up to use the bathroom— and any responsibility I had, I would not attend to — and you couldn’t make me. I would sleep 17-18 hours a day. Tired of everything, I would have no energy.
I ended up losing a lot of weight in college because of this LOL. I also fainted because of this (rip). When I could function enough to eat, go to class, I would still be empty and fatigued. I would go to class, eat, and then spend the rest of my time sleeping.
Even in high school, I would have an exorbitant amount of “sick days.” And when I did go to school, when I got home I would do my (1) chore and then sleep. School, chore, sleep. School, chore, sleep. It was to the point that my parents thought I was on drugs because all I would do was sleep. LOL.
And that depression would last for months. If it lasted two weeks or less that would be lucky. Anyways, there was a period of time (a few months after I graduated college) that I was normal. I felt normal, I acted normal, I had normal amounts of energy.
I remember telling my friends that (because I made a psychiatrist appointment) I wouldn’t tell them (the psychiatrist) about my depression because “Bah, it’s not that bad. I can sleep it off 🤪.” Anyways — I suddenly (and for no reason) fell into a depressive episode, and when that hit I was like, “Yeah I need to go tell the psychiatrist and get this figured out.”
I actually started treatment for depression before ADHD. And my depression was so bad, the antidepressants just barely made me functionable. Literally could not tell if they were working and my depression was that bad, or if they genuinely didn’t work. Anyways; yes they WERE working, my depression was just that bad. LOL.
(TW: Suicidal Ideation)
When I get low like this, if I start spiraling (which often happens) I get to the point where I think, constantly: “I don’t want to wake up anymore.” Sometimes I would even pray not to wake up anymore. I had crippling fatigue — so there was no energy to hurt myself. Which is why most of my mixed episodes are so dangerous.
Mostly though, when I’m down / dipping, I sleep. I just let myself do nothing, and sleep. Until it leaves, however long that may take.
I've talked about my experience being manic a few times.
Here I talked about being euphoric
I have had both euphoric AND irritated mania. And I have got to say — I liked the euphoric one; but FVCK the other one.
Ok. Mixed episodes — where one has energy (manic symptoms) but irritation or depression / fatigue (depressive symptoms); basically it's a mix of both mania and depression.
For me — this is when I get into the most dangerous states.
Most of the time I’m so tired it actually hurts. It feels like the fatigue is killing me; like I’ve sunken into the dark circles under my eyes. Except the moment I lay down? BOOM! Wide fvcking awake.
The fatigue doesn’t leave, nor does the pain, but there’s this energy buzzing through me and it quickly turns into irritation because all I want to do is SLEEP, but I can’t! I fvcking can’t; and it kills me.
Theses are the times where any passive suicidal ideation become more active thoughts. Mostly about prescription drugs and overdosing. (Or things like drinking windex.)
I don’t ever act on these thoughts because I do like living (thank you very much >:o ); but that doesn’t mean those kinds of thoughts don’t happen. In fact ---a whole spiraling intrusive thought chain decides to party in my head until I DO fall asleep, or find something to distract me. (Not a fun time.)
First — let’s just get this out of the way; Bipolar — aka the episodes, whether depressive, manic, or mixed — , are not caused by purely external events. It’s literal chemicals in the brain playing limbo with your mental health.
Now, can external events trigger an episode? Absolutely.
In fact, sleep is one of the strongest triggers for people with Bipolar disorder.
And I quote:
“ — It is essential that people with bipolar disorder practice good sleep hygiene. Ideally, you should go to sleep and wake up in a regular, predictable pattern and avoid activities that interfere with this schedule, including staying up late, drinking alcohol, and consuming caffeine. In order to promote a restful and regular sleep, create a ritual for yourself to get your mind and body prepared for bed. If you struggle to sleep, be sure to talk to your doctor about it so you can identify whether these sleep disturbances are a symptom of a mood episode and gain control over your sleep cycle before it triggers mood switching.”
— bridgestorecovery.com ‘Understanding Bipolar Disorder Trigger And How to Prevent Them’
I have stated this before here and here
But blackouts can happen when you're in a manic state; these last few months I've had at least three black outs, spanning from a day, to a couple of days.
Cody had always said Rex would be the death of him, but he never thought about it quite so literally until he was watching his younger brother running headlong towards The Kriffing Sith Lord with two lightsabers in his hands. The cry Cody let out didn’t even sound like a word, simply a guttural feeling of fear as Rex was launched thirty feet into the air without even a second of hesitation.
It felt wrong. It was all wrong. Rex should never be alone like that. Cody was his big brother, he should always be there for him. He would die if he was alone, they always did.
He isn’t alone.
Cody wasn’t sure how the thought had come to be, but with a sudden clarity it all made sense. The goal was clear and as Rex landed before Palpatine's sneering face Cody whipped around to Obi-Wan.
“General, I need to be up there!” he yelled.
Obi-Wan blinked at him. Obviously the thought of his commander, and more importantly love of his life, running towards what looked like certain death was not what he wanted to hear right now; especially when he already had his little brother potentially dying behind him. He even got so far as to scrunch up his nose and start to argue before Ahsoka cut in.
“Master Obi-Wan!” she yelled, still holding her ground by the cliff and using it as an advantage to launch droids off the edge. “Focus on the force. It is their fight!”
Cody didn’t really know what they were saying and he wasn’t sure he cared as he watched Palpatine's red saber slowly grow. “Obi-Wan,” he nearly whispered. “Please.”
Obi-Wan took a breath, smoke burning his throat and tears from more than just the sting of ash in his eyes. He held out his lightsaber, his very life, for Cody to take. “You are coming back to me.”
It was a statement; and Cody took it and the lightsaber with more reverence than he could ever convey. He let the blade come to life, flooding him in light as he met Obi-Wan's gaze. “Always.”