gonna eat a big yummy sandwich when i get home :)

How many followers do you have?

hehe this platform gives me the option to keep it secret, so I will :)

cw: vent, dysphoria, no negativity to nb people who comfortable with these terms. need some support : (

...

using terms like AMAB or AFAB feels dysphoric and uncomfortable for me. please say it's normal feeling... feel like I'm just "hiding" my """real""" sex. but my "real" sex it's third or X or null sex, and I'm transitioning to it.

and so I found out I need a label for my sex, like, not only gender. and some validation...

otherwise I feel like "yea, I'm nb, and my sex/AGAB doesn't matter" ― like no??? my sex is matter for me. I'm transitioning to bringing it back, to my true self. this is about me and my body, not only social part. and this is why I call myself "trans-"

need sex & gender being in harmony in myself. it's impossible without sex identity. idk still thinking about "third sex" thing.

...

for admins: I'm @nullandrogyne if it's ok to publish, just can't ask from this sideblog for some reason

Preaching to the choir, nullandrogyne. There's a reason the ask box disclaimer shouts at people to not include their agab in their ask. It definitely become a tool used to misgender trans people and for us to psychologically self-harm giving away private information no one else was entitled to. There was a point on this blog where people were including it for EVERY ask no matter what, and while I know it had more to do with people's own struggles accepting themselves and finding themselves valid, it got to the point where I was struggling to support my own mental health and self-acceptance being inundated with the subliminal idea that I'm not really anything more than my agab.

We're not our agab. We're nonbinary. That's fucking valid. No one is obligated to information like what gender you were coercively assigned at birth.

You are nonbinary, and that's the full story. Period.

~Mod Pluto

Maybe he can help me memorize my bank account and social security number too 😮

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

An important realisation smack is realising I give away certain information too easily and sometimes it also risks others as well.

Sometimes the best thing is to not disclose things

Lesson hopefully learnt. But dang it smacked hard

do you ever think about how vulnerable specialized labor under capitalism has left us?

do you know where to get folate, calcium, iron, iodine etc without buying pills or mass-produced fortified foods? do you know how to process out anti-nutrients in edible substances (like corn, cassava, etc)? do you know how to save and store seeds from various types of edible plants? do you know how to preserve meat without a freezer or salt? how to remove bittern from sea salt? how to find water in a drought and how to purify it? how to treat dehydration?

what happens when it's your money or your life? when militaries target supply chains during war?

Keep Personal Information Private

Keeping personal information out of the hands of unauthorized persons is a must for an overall defense plan. While security of electronic information is obvious, daily actions must be adjusted to protect trash, snail-mail, vehicle information, residential security, family protection and more.

Know what personal information you should safeguard

Follow recommendations (below) to protect personal information/identity on the Internet

Destroy important documents and credit/debit cards by burning or using a cross-cut shredder (shredder-type comparison)

Letters/documents, containing personal information, being sent by snail-mail should be placed in a Public Mailbox or your personal mailbox just prior to pickup (not left in the box overnight).

Break up boxes and put them in garbage bags to throw them away so no one knows what new items you have in your home

Set out trash for pickup, just prior to pickup, to reduce the chance of "dumpster diving"

Don't provide any personal information over the phone, in emails, text messages or online with unverified web sites.

Frequently Backup your computer, tablet or smartphone data to a USB drive for recovery in case the device(s) in case of device failure, theft or destruction. Store the USB drive in a separate and secure location.

Use strong passwords on all electronics that contain personal information

Use Two-Factor Authenticaion when available

Important & Legal Documents and Valuables Storage: Important documents and valuables should be gathered, organized and protected in one location for easy, but secure, access in a waterproof and fireproof container, easily transportable in case an emergency arises that requires evacuation. Reference: Preparing an Important Documents Emergency Binder

Web Search and Smart Phone Data: Removal Web Browser Data All data that is captured via a Smart Phone (especially Android) is saved on the web/internet. For example, if you use an Android smart phone, you must have a Google account. If you login to your Google account, from a computer, you can see everything you have, and have accessed, on your Android phone, including your contacts, photos, YouTubes, phone calls you've made, where you have travelled, searches and much more. You can make some changes on your smart phone or computer to prevent/reduce tracking. From a computer, login to Google.com and click on your account avatar (top right) then click "Manage Your Google Account. From there, you can view how Google has been tracking you and edit how Google tracks you in the future. You can also clear/delete data that has been gathered. Here are some links to help keep your business your business instead of it being plastered all over the internet without your permission: Search on DuckDuckGo.com Ways to Keep Google from Collecting Data on Your Android Phone How to turn off location tracking on your iPhone or iPad How to stop your smartphone from tracking your every move, sharing data and sending ads All the Ways Google Tracks You — And How to Stop It Google is probably tracking you — here's how to limit it Look at this alternative, non-tracking, Search Engine - DuckDuckGo.com Purchase a Non-Tracking Smart Phone

[Reference Link] Staying Below Government Radar

[14-Point Emergency Preps Checklist] [Basic Emergency Kit] [Learn to be More Self-Sufficient] [The Ultimate Preparation]

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These were the prescription orthotics I had made once I was diagnosed in 2014 with a lifelong disability.

These orthotics were on version 3. Each version had different moving parts, as well as a ramping up of medications and accommodations that went with having a diagnosis.

The orthotics should of helped with balance and strength. There were options to have them adjusted if they were causing any discomfort.

The orthotics made me a moving accessibility experiment in my day to day work. When I was finally diagnosed with a lifelong disabilty of cerebral palsy at age 36, after living a life of trying to fit in with a society which only accepts able bodied cishets, I was asking, pleading, I need a disability diagnosis. I need a wheelchair ♿.

No wheelchair for the 36 year old me, but the orthotics. The orthotics, on putting them on, cause my pain level to go to 3 out of 10. On walking around in the orthotics, my cerebral palsy was aggravated, causing muscle spasms. My pain level would go to 7 out of 10 at unexpected intervals daily.

Physical therapy was mentioned as treatment for both the muscle spasms, as well as anxiety and depression. The physical therapy, made things worse. I would pass out in my car and wake up to my body locked up by muscle spasms.

How bad were the muscle spasms? I had to ask, what is the difference between a seizure and a muscle spasms, as mine were so debilitating. One muscle spasms was so strong it dislocated my left hip. Luckily popped back into place.

I wore the orthotics to several jobs, more than likely fired from a few jobs for having symptoms on the job. If anything is off in my medication or sleep cycle, I try to self care and isolate, but the demands of a nuerotypical cishet 40 year old make things difficult.

I never got used to the orthotics and I stopped wearing them in 2020 once the pandemic hit. Still no wheelchair, I was asking this whole time. I did get two surgeries, which help with the chronic pain. I asked if I had to keep wearing the orthotics, at least the doctor said no.

So to get around, I use a rollator or a cane. I'm still regularly exhausted, still want a wheel chair. I guess I'm hoping for a wheelchair prescription,or a wheelchair fundraiser but I'm so used to getting shot down, I'm going with a cane or rollator. I still need to work close to full time, and in my downtime I mostly sleep, try to recover. Loosing a job would mean loosing Healthcare, hrt, so I'm desperately trying to hold onto the little bit of comfort I have, work to hold onto health care, and just try to be ok.

I'm on antidepressants, and i asked myself, what's the justification for the anti depressants? I just spent the last 8 years in mental and physical pain. It's OK to have antidepressants for a bit.

do not want to start a fight but isn’t this totally normal. in middle school you’re like what 11 years old? I didn’t know any of this shit at that age and that has not made my life difficult as an adult even remotely. in particular I was shit at touch typing and remember being miserable in class because I was horrible at it and now I’m perfectly comfortable touch typing because I’m no longer 11 years old. I’ve taught several semesters of upper year undergraduates (meaning all of them were over the age of 21-22) in a similar coding/technical class setting who didn’t know anything about windows file structures and it was fine, they didn't blow up their computers or bring about the downfall of civilisation, they eventually picked it up over the 12 weeks of the semester because that’s how learning works

"What you said about my taking you in, all those years ago, meant a great deal."

"What was the problem with the first London apartment? Cracks, crime, gas and SEX" so we're saying whatever we want now huh

the theerapanyakuls go to barbenheimer

kinn: the oppenheimer message flies straight over his head. the barbie message, unfortunately, is also totally lost on him.

porsche: in the same boat as kinn, mostly because kinn pulls him aside ten minutes into both films so they can make out and [redacted] and also [redacted redacted redacted].

tankhun: forces everyone at gunpoint (literal) to come to barbenheimer. forces everyone at gunpoint to wear themed outfits. screeches and hollers during the whole barbie movie, and immediately places custom orders for all of barbies's outfits and half of ken's outfits. (none of the outfits from the kendom era, though. bleh.) ends up feeling very thoughtful about oppenheimer -- and makes sure nobody notices.

kim: wants to perish. khun had to handcuff him to the theater seat. at least kim managed to stop khun from stuffing him into a bespoke neon pink leather jacket.

chay: is having a great time! very much enjoyed dressing up with khun for the Event Of The Century. is currently very much enjoying watching kim suffer. cheered at all the right moments during barbie. (oddly quiet during oppenheimer.)

pete: kind of tilted about having to dress up, but finds himself genuinely enjoying both movies. empathizes with every character on screen, which is not what khun wanted him to do.

vegas: identifies way too much with oppenheimer in perhaps the worst possible way. barbie puzzles him on a molecular level.

macau: spends the entire time "subtly" (not subtly) filming both movies on his phone. his camerawork is absolute garbage. his thumb is in the frame the whole time. his flash accidentally goes off halfway through. he immediately uploads both bootlegs to utorrent.

pol: the barbie movie was made for pol. he is THE target audience. it changes the trajectory of his entire life.

arm: absently pats a teary-eyed pol on the back throughout the entire barbie movie. is a little too consumed by thoughts of how relatable some of the oppenheimer scientists are.

and last but not least, big and ken: are standing at the back of the theater. they weren't allowed to sit. ken has been stuffed into the "i am kenough" tie-dye sweatshirt and maintains his i've-stepped-in-dogshit face throughout the entire barbie movie. "i don't sound like that," he keeps hissing at big. big is too busy sobbing under his sunglasses to humor him.

(brought to you in conjunction with the legendary @pomslices)

The thing about assigned sex labels (AFAB/AMAB) is that a lot of its usefulness comes from discussions around medicine (though there are still issues with this). In a social sense, AFAB/AMAB isn't very useful to describe peoples' lived experience.

Assigned sex happens to people as babies, and "AFAB" and "AMAB" describe very broadly sex categories. Assigned sex acknowledges past assignment, not current reality with regards to one's sex and/or gender.

I find that when people try to apply sex assignment to social settings (e.g., "all AFABs experience this!"), it comes very close not only to misgendering, but also to sex essentialism in many cases.

I simply think there are too many assumptions made about what every person AMAB has (such as a certain body, a certain gender, and certain lived experiences) and what every person AFAB has. We cannot make sweeping generalizations about people, and I think a lot of people seem to forget this especially with regards to transition and/or "rare" sexes.

Man its been weeks and I’m still soured by the conclusion to Fontaine’s main story. I'll just rant here

There were a lot of things I didn’t like about it (Arlecchino's altruism being played straight, Traveler being out of character, the lore exposition ass-pull with the prophecy slates, the weird logic about how destroying a Gnosis could potentially wake up the Heavenly Principles but not fucking destroying an Archon Throne when Celestia forced everyone to fight a GODDAMN WAR TO ESTABLISH THEM-) but the biggest offense to me was how Furina was handled. This was marketed as the grand finale of the arc, the climax with Furina at the center of it all. And she got shafted. Big time. Furina had no agency in the plot whatsoever, nothing she did had any effect on how things turned out, and she didn’t even have the dignity of fully understanding why it all had to happen that way.

(Also I will preface this with yes Furina and Focalors are technically the same person with the same origin, but after the split Furina lost all her memories as Focalors. They are two separate consciousnesses with different experiences, and therefore I will treat their individual choices as their own)

I’ve seen people try to argue that no, she chose to take on this role knowing she would suffer, that she didn't HAVE to go along with it. And she was even working by herself to solve the prophecy without relying on Focalors, she wasn’t a puppet/pawn! But the thing is she was essentially in a hostage situation. If she didn’t do things exactly as dictated by Focalors people would DIE. Like there is a reason why criminal punishments are lighter when it’s found the perpetrator was coerced into it! And her researching how to avoid the prophecy changed nothing about the outcome, she could have sat around eating cake and the story would have word for word turned out exactly the same. All that information served to do was highlight her suffering and draw the audience’s sympathy. That's what I mean about her not having agency, it's not about her ability to act as an individual but how her actions had an effect on the overall plot. None of her choices outside of the role designated by Focalors did anything to change the situation for better or worse.

And to top it all off she didn’t even understand WHY this all had to happen. Why do people dissolve in the Primordial water? How does her pretending to be an Archon play into solving the issue? Why can’t she confide in anyone? What the hell is Focalors even doing? She doesn’t learn the answers to any of these until after everything was over, and not even from Focalors’ own mouth, it was relayed to her by Neuvillette.

Speaking of Neuvillette, I’m not gonna lie I’m sorta annoyed at his existence because it felt like Furina was shafted for him. Everything is very tilted in Neuvillette's favor. He gets his powers back, full control over Pneuma/Ousia, final say in trials, the ability to hand out Visions, and just straight up the ability to manipulate life itself. And okay all these things were his to begin with lore-wise, whatever, but he also becomes the "lore important" character after this at Furina's expense. Furina doesn't have her memories as Focalors, she can't tell us anything about how the world works, about Celestia, about what happened 500 years ago. Even though other Archons didn't give us much either for one reason or another, they at least HAVE that knowledge, and are therefore guaranteed to have involvement in future events with the Abyss and Celestia. Furina at the moment, doesn't. Neuvillette has it now. And all that talk about Focalors judging Celestia? Also Neuvillette's job now. And it feels like it was all stolen from Furina from a story-telling perspective because again, she didn't know of the plan to return his powers. She didn't even get to explicitly agree with her other self that he should have them back. The writers really seemed to go out of their way to place him on a pedestal at Furina's expense, which irks the hell out of me.

There are some opportunity for future interludes to turn the current state around, and they probably will since Furina is still being marketed as an Archon, but as it stands I want Fontaine to be over so we can move on to the next disappointment.

stop flooding my inbox with your birth charts lol, not only is it disrespectful to expect someone to analyse your chart for free but im a bit concerned that you dont think of your birth chart as an intimate piece of you. would you drop your mobile number, address and social security in the dms of a stranger? your birth chart info is personal and private, you shouldnt be parading it around. all occult knowledge is meant to be kept private. the nature of it is secrecy. inviting unwanted gaze upon it literally has terrible consequences. how do you know that i wont hex you or put a curse on you lol?? please be mindful of sharing this info online or with anyone