Since there's been some discussion of this on a prior post I made, let's address

Neurodivergent Skill-Regression: What is it & Why Does it Happen?

Content Warning! This post will make brief mention of various topics, including: childhood abuse (not explicit), depression, suicidal ideation, car accidents, the COVID-19 pandemic, and throwing up.

Okay, let's begin with a quick preface. I'm writing from the Global North, in a capitalist economy, and in a country founded on (ongoing!) systems of colonialism. Therefore, that's how I'll be situating this discussion (just because it's what I know best). Neurodivergence and Capitalist Exploitation Under capitalism, productivity and extraction in the name of profit become of the utmost importance. Extraction can take place in the form of extracting physical resources (think fracking on Turtle Island), extracting labour, etc. Ultimately, neurodivergence itself is not an ill-formed or "bad" mind. It is only conceptualized and coded as such because capitalism and various other interlocking systems of oppression are actively hostile to minds that, in some way, subvert capitalist and colonial ideals. (however, this is not to negate, invalidate, or trivialize the fact that adhd/asd/ocd/bpd/etc. are disabilities. by their very nature, they impede and disrupt functioning. what is considered "functional", however, is determined by this capitalist/colonialist state and the things it values. this is all simply to say that we would be able to more easily exist and thrive within a society that doesn't reward self-destruction in the name of accumulating capital for the upper class) Of course, living in a system that is not built for you is going to be exhausting—it takes a toll on you, both physically and mentally. This can be further compounded if you are marginalized in other ways; for instance, if you're a person of colour, working class, a woman, 2SLGBTQ+, an immigrant, or a combination of these.

Masking and Burnout Many neurodivergent folx are forced into positions in which they have to mask. For the sake of clarity, "masking", in this case, involves concealing one's neurodivergent traits. For me, that might look like suppressing compulsions, consciously regulating my facial expressions, working longer and harder to accomplish tasks because I can't focus, or scripting conversations before I have them. These manifestations are often invisible to outsiders, but they take a heavy toll on us, and can often result in neurodivergent burnout. This is where the skill-regression comes in. An Example... Let me give you a personal example of what neurodivergent skill-regression can look like! Prior to the pandemic, I was a highly productive person. I was designated "gifted" (whatever that means) and was top of my class in every single class. I was participating in (and running) multiple clubs, working a steady job, volunteering within the community, and learning new instruments and languages. I was a skilled pianist and painter, and also very athletic. From the outside looking in, I appeared successful: I had a massive scholarship lined up at the most prestigious university in the country. I was generally well-liked. I was creative and skilled in both the humanities and STEM (mostly humanities lol), etcetera etcetera. But I was in no way okay. I was incredibly depressed and suicidal. I had multiple undiagnosed anxiety disorders and neurodivergencies. I was experiencing relentless abuse at home. I was throwing up every few days out of pure fear and stress. I was constantly sick, crying (in secret, and then later too numb to cry), overwhelmed, exhausted, and apathetic. And yet I refused to stop pushing my body and mind to their limit because I had this ingrained belief surrounding my productivity—if I slowed down, would I be worth anything? At the time, to my mind, the answer was a staunch no (even though I didn't apply this thinking to anyone but myself lol). So I repressed everything. I pushed it all to the side and kept moving forward. To put it in perspective, I got hit by a truck at one point, but I was so scared of being late to a thing and disappointing my parents that I just apologized and kept going. This kind of behaviour went on for close to a decade. And then the pandemic hit. And I was forced to stop. I was made to (by virtue of my relative privilege) take a moment to sit down, look around, and actually feel things. And it hit me like a ton of bricks: All the weight of the anger and fear and everything that I had been repressing for the sake of survival came RUSHING in. Now? You want to know what I'm like now? I am very burnt out and incredibly unproductive. I have the attention span of a gnat. Where I used to be able push through exhaustion or else tamp it down with consistently high levels of adrenaline, I now almost ALWAYS feel tired, to the point where I have to lay down. I used to be able to toss together an essay in the span of a couple hours. And, yes, while I can still put an essay together quickly, it’s not going to necessarily be good. Likewise, where I used to be able to mask my neurodivergent traits, I'm now hyperaware of how exhausting it all is, which makes it more difficult to appear neurotypical in public.

The thing is, when you have something like adhd as well as an anxiety disorder, the anxiety can pretty effectively mask the adhd. But once I started medication and more intense therapy, I got a hold on my anxiety and alllll of my coping mechanisms fell away. I no longer had that constant, vibrating fear to force me to maintain attention, and push myself to the breaking point.

It’s like not aging for 80 years and then suddenly having decades collapse into you in the span of moments. So Where Does This Leave Us? Okay, that was a loooong tangent, sorry. Returning to the original point. As the infinitely cool and talented @revenantscholar mentioned in a previous post of mine, when you exist in an unsafe environment (or one which is generally not built with you in mind), it's difficult to hold onto the skills you once had. Your body goes into survival mode and prioritizes keeping you alive. Once you have returned to a space where you can unmask and be physically/emotionally/mentally SAFE, you have the capacity to relearn some of those skills. Not all of them, necessarily, and not all at once. But these things do return—and even if they don't (listen to me, this is important), that doesn't make you stupid/bad/worthless. You are living in a world that is not built for people like you and I, and it sucks, and it's painful and scary, and we will continue to fight for a better future. In the meantime, it's important to remember that you are worthy of care, compassion, empathy, and support regardless of what you can contribute/do. You are incredibly important and I'm so glad you're here. (Thank you for listening. I'm drawing on my human rights knowledge from my degree, and also my own personal experience. However, feel free to correct me or ask any questions you might have! I'm also happy to provide resources/citations if needed. Now go drink water and rest if you need to! Ily!)

The "gifted kid who didn't need to study" to "neurodivergent burnt out college student who doesn't know how to study" pipeline is very real and I don't like that I'm experiencing it, I need to graduate to get a job and get out of my parents house and get better mentally and physically. 🥲

Pictures you can feel.

I gave up on my life

was anyone else raised in purity culture, or any misogynist-heavy environment, where you were taught that your life was over by 30 if you were femme or AFAB? Like by then, you’re supposed to apparently already be married, own a house, and either have or be thinking about kids? And you know in your head logically it’s 100% okay if someone doesn’t have or even want those things, but then you watch all your close friends get married, buy houses, and have kids in their early 20’s, meanwhile you’re now about to turn 28 soon and you don’t have any of that and are experiencing neurodivergent burnout so intense that you’re starting to get skill regression and had to quit your job just to stay alive, but you also can’t rest cuz you feel guilty for resting cuz you feel like you’re running out of time and 30 is some magical cutoff date for you and only you, so you can’t do any of the things you want after that? And you know logically this is bullshit, but you can’t get it out of your head that these are all mile markers you specifically have to hit???

People I know keep calling me autistic or some sort of neurodivergent (I'm not diagnosed if I ever will be)

And I'm realizing that if I am neurodivergent then I've been masking almost my entire life

So like

Is this burn out that I feel? Where I'm almost constantly bored??

Kinda like a numb feeling???

Idk but like for the past two weeks I've been feeling kinda like the noise of a deflating balloon, sad and pathetic.

I don't know how to explain it but now I can't keep my happy smile and colorful voice. Now I'm just like the -_- emoji and my voice is monotone most of the time.

I'm literally so fucking paranoid from the chronic depression, I KNOW you see it lmao. I'm just having trouble getting help now because I'm actively going insane and not in whatever cute way comes to mind when you hear people say it that makes you disregard me.

My sense of reality is skewed, that is a bit alarming, and then people still wanna make suggestions like I didn't fucking just explain I passed being rational after the first 500 times I asked for help, like genuinely I get so confused I might as well have dementia and then people wanna keep talking to me like I have the capacity to reel it in still.

i’ve been wanting to say this for a while but if i don’t respond to asks or messages but still post, i’m most likely not ignoring it because i don’t care but because i have so much going on its overwhelming. i have a million thoughts going in and out of my head and so many things to do that i’m trying to get one task done and can’t so i end up making myself more busy. reblogging stuff is an easy distraction/break that doesn’t require a lot of thought but most of the time responding to people requires to much mental energy that just don’t have because i’m so burnt out. i just wanted to post this because i really do love getting messages and asks! i’m just really bad at responding to them efficiently

chronic fatigue from mental illness and neurodivergency isn't something you can just will your way out of. your nervous system is part of your body. your brain is an organ. the fatigue is real. you're not lazy. so be kinder to yourself. be gentler with your bodymind.

I remember when the overwhelming pressure of a due date or exam week would generate enought anxiety to get me to do everything I had to and now I just sit in front of my desk wallowing in misery with the same amount of anxiety but an incredibly debilitating amount of executive disfunction that doesn't allow me to get to work until the same day I have to submit something or do an exam.

I really did peak before 11 and from then on it has been a downwards slope of me driving myself to burn out over neglecting myself, academic perfectionism and crippling amounts of untreated issues (as well as a very likely undiagnosed autism).

hey, yeah, sorry I can't get anything done right now I flirted a little too close to the edge and dropped all my spoons down a well so now I'm spoon-less and easily irritable and distracted. Yeah sorry I just need like 5-10 days of sleep but I have to go to work so any spoons I do manage to conjure also fall down the well... yeah you're right ill get there but I do need to start keeping back up spoons

When are people gonna understand that autistic burnout doesn't require a day of rest, but a lifetime of accomodation in school and work. Like trust me, even if you gave me 3 months of rest, the burnout is still going to be there for as long as I force myself to do things I am not supposed to do.

Signs of Autistic Burnout

Neurodivergent_lou

Does anyone else with a CPTSD + neurodivergent combo feel like you exist outside of humanity now? Like you’ve seen too much and been too much and grew up constantly told how since you’re doing everything wrong, your entire existence is wrong and you just don’t feel like a person anymore and don’t know how you’ll ever clear a path back into society and lowkey just wanna give up on it. And it feels like you’re the exception to recovery and the rules of grace you extend to other people don’t apply to you, cuz you’re not a person. And that thought makes you really sad but at the same time it’s kind of a relief to not have to constantly mask and perform for other people and a world that you assume will tear you down any chance it gets.

I understand feeling like you've got no time to take care of your mental and physical health. I understand feeling like there's more important things to be worrying about.

But if you don't choose to do it, your body will eventually force you to. It will be at the most inconvenient time, it will stop you from doing those other important things all together and you will feel like utter shit.

So please, put yourself above the important stuff before you can't physically do it due to neglecting a huge aspect of yourself.