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junosmindpalace · 21 days

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i find discourse around the rdr women so...fascinating and infuriating at the same time. because a lot of the time it doesn't seem like rdr fans want to apply the same level of complex analysis to the women like they do for the men, but when they do, it still doesnt seem all that well-intentioned or that it does right by their characters.

this is a very long analysis/spam/defense so be warned :,)

even though the majority of sadie's character revolves around the fact she not only lost her home and her husband and was thrust into a new life of crime, but was actively struggling with robberies BEFORE the events of the game, people instead choose to focus on whether or not she had feelings for arthur or whether he actions in the game were actually impactful. she helped saved abigail and john when no else would, she fought alongside the men against the army, she helped john set up a stable life, she helped rob the payroll train, helped ensure colm’s death, she fought alongside arthur TIME AGAIN and took over in a leadership role when half the gang was absent in the guarma chapter. to say that she did nothing more except “be badass” undermines all of these contributions to the story that she was either at the forefront of or helped bring to fruition.

in my opinion, abigail is the EASIEST character to defend out of any of the women, and yet somehow she receives the most backlash from dudebros. I lose ten braincells every time i have to read a theory post over whether or not she slept with other camp members besides john, whether or not she was a rat, and about how much shes a nag. the woman has not known a moment's rest in her entire life. by the age of eight she was working in a cathouse. she was a child prior to then scrapping whatever money she could earn at her young age in saloons and dive bars as a woman and child just to survive as a orphan. jack's birth was clearly not planned, and she has voiced multiple times her grievances at the circumstances of his upbringing. everything she does is for a better life for her son: a life she never had. her constant nagging to get john to man up and be a father is for her son's benefit, not her own. she even says so herself when she tells him that she doesn't mind if a relationship between them doesn't work out, but to at least try being there for jack. she can't work a job because she is a mother living a life of crime and danger; she can't afford to leave the camp and her son unsupervised. she still does her share around camp. why would anyone blame her for not wanting to return to a life that has made her miserable, especially now that she has a child who she wants to model a good life for? many people seem to somehow also forget that she herself was a child when she gave birth to jack; only 17-18. she is 22 in the game in a bad situation with the father of her child and financially. she is doing her best to raise her son when she is not fully equipped to do so. how can anyone even blame her for being skeptical of john when hes affectionate in the epilogue when for so long hes been distant? she does not even ask much of john--just to be there for him sometimes, and to live honestly. she is also incredibly kindhearted. comforting other women in the camp, offering a listening ear, taking care of john when hes injured. she puts in her share of effort when it comes to finding a job in the epilogue and maintaining beechers hope.

molly is a young woman who is presumably incredibly far from her home where her family is, and trying to navigate a way of life completely unfamiliar to her. her stuck up nature comes not only from the way she was raised, but also dutch's uplifting affection and presumed lovebombing in the early stages of their relationship. shes even been suggested to be somewhat sociable until dutch and her became somewhat of an official item, in which she grew somewhat of a bigger ego with a mentality that she was his right hand. she deeply depended on dutch for her stability in every way, and its evident in her eventual spiral. she hated being seen as weak and pitiful as somewhat of an outsider among outsiders. she seemed to be close to no one besides dutch, who repeatedly cut her off when she attempted to talk to him about her growing feelings of anxiety, paranoia and sadness. the loss of the one thing that had built her up, coupled with immense tragedy she just wasnt used to, and desperate for a semblance of respect and dignity that she had presumably been all too accustomed to, of course she was going to come off brash and confront dutch about his distant, high and mighty attitude. it's why by the end, she doesnt care if she is killed: there is nothing left for her. karen's comment about her pretending to rat them out for the sake of attention is also interesting in terms of their relationship and parallels, which i dont see ANYONE talk about.

karen very clearly struggles with...a lot. she has even said so herself when talking with molly. she struggles to accept help, evident in pieces of dialogue where she brushes off concerned gang members about her drinking (mary-beth, arthur, javier), and when she seems somewhat ashamed and embarrassed having to have been rescued by arthur in the valentine mission (SAYING EXPLICITLY "i dont much like being saved"). she struggles with believing people have good intentions/feelings toward her, illustrated in the way she's constantly rejecting sean, yet seemingly disappeared further down the bottle after his death, and her conversation with mary beth and tilly about the world having no equal and fair place for women. her negative experiences in the world as a woman could also influence her view of the world, perhaps being why she finds herself somewhat hostile toward feminist mindsets and why she, for a while, enjoyed the outlaw lifestyle: it was her little slice of freedom. her hatred for the rich can also be because she has experiences as a poor woman, perhaps some direct experiences in which rich people have negatively impacted her life. though molly and karen don't get along through most of the game, karen actually tries to step in and help her near the end, and its this action + defending her after her death that shows she was sympathetic toward her situation and on some level able to relate to it, both craving some kind of love beyond superficial things.

@/cryptidcr3ature said it very well in a post i reblogged recently: mary is essentially "her brother's keeper and her father's caretaker". she herself lives somewhere middle class with traditional notions of the time impacting her views on arthur's lifestyle and anything below those middle class standards being deemed as socially unacceptable (which is evident from the very first letter mary sends to arthur, in which she seems confused on what a polite term would be to refer to prostitutes, who were obviously thought very lowly of in the time). i also don't think its fair to criticise her condemnation of arthur's lifestyle when pretty much all audiences, contemporary and not, including members of the gang, acknowledge that it isnt anything pretty. killing is not fun. running from the law is not fun. mary was not only influenced by her father's views of arthur (a person that, despite being horrible, she still deeply loves), but looking after her own family, herself, and arthur's wellbeing when she ended their relationship + suggested they run away. she had given him an opportunity at compromise. perhaps the first time, scared and unfamiliar with his lifestyle, she had offered arthur an ultimatum: her or his outlaw life, but later was willing to also leave behind her brother and father, two figures that tie her down and make her life more miserable than need be despite loving them very much, in order to settle somewhere with arthur and start over. her asking for arthur's help comes from a place of desperation and excuse to allow herself some semblance of stability when she hadn't had it; at least not since her mother and husband passed. if arthur refuses to help her, she is incredibly understanding and sympathetic. she does not lash out. if arthur does help, she is immensely grateful, and even tries to bond with him despite their years apart.

this post isnt to excuse some of their more negative behaviours and aspects of their characters'-- but im saying that they deserve to be fairly treated and analyzed just like any of the rdr men. many of them are young. many of them have unique challenges as women. that isn’t to say the men have it easier, but their struggles and less prettier aspects of their characters are always met with more sympathy than the women. why do arthur and john get passes as reformed absent fathers and criminals? why does sean receive sympathy when karen rejects his pushy advances? why does hosea get a pass at being better than dutch when he still groomed younger members of the gang for a life of crime alongside dutch? why does dutch get a pass by having his downfall be justified by tough circumstances? lets just be fair

#Also these are purely my own interpretations of the characters. i would LOVE to see other rdr women analyis posts #i’m VERY OPEN to hearing interpretations of the women and i understand some of these are purely for funsies and hcs and that’s all fine!#or comments in general #but they should not be treated as canon especially if they invalidate crucial parts of their characters #rdr2 #rdr #red dead redemption 2 #abigail marston #karen jones #mary linton #molly oshea

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m9rtality · 2 months

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I don't smoke

SYNOPSIS ; You think you're inlove with a man that's inlove with another, until you meet him.

CONTENT WARNING — Angst, symbiotic relationship (not being inlove, depending on eachother for emotional stability), major character death.

GENRE — Angst

“If you need to be mean”

I smiled painfully as I watched my boyfriend with his best friend, Gojo Satoru. I knew they were in love, it was so unbelievably obvious by the way they looked at each other. I knew it’d never be the one that own his heart but I was okay with being his second place. There’s a lot of things about Gojo Satoru that I could never compare with, he’s strong and smart but also has playful aspects and his personality is one of a kind. I’ll never be Gojo so I’ll be the next best thing, or at least I’ll try to be.

I sat at the bar while Shoko flirted with the bar tender while Gojo and Suguru danced together with drinks in their hands, Suguru was smiling bright than he ever did with me, when he looked at Satoru, his Satoru I could see the overwhelming look of love in his eyes. I wish he looked at me that way, yeah he loved me but never like how he loved his soulmate, his other half. The one person he wanted the most, he couldn't have so I was what he settled for.

“Be mean to me.”

I comforted Suguru in his depressive state, when he was at his weakest I was always there for him. I promised Gojo and Shoko that I’d always be there for him, no matter what type of mental state I’m in he will always come first. I didn’t mind because I loved him, Suguru was my soulmate but I was not his, and I was okay with that. At least I think I am.

I wish I could have Suguru all to myself, but he brought home two sweet girls named Nanako and Mimiko. I loved them dearly and I thought of them as my own daughters and it was obvious that Suguru felt the same way but never actually showed it. The girls worshiped him and it was sweet of how they looked up to him.

“I can take it and put it inside of me”

I stood by my fiancee’s side, I didn't agree with his beliefs but I stood by him anyways because that’s my job as his spouse. I stood by him as he wanted to get rid of all non-sorcerers, I stood by him during that entire time because I told him no matter how evil he became I’d always be on his side. I promised the girls that no matter what their father did he was a good man and he loved them more than life itself even if he never told him that because I knew he felt that way.

I was a sorcerer so Suguru kept me alive, but I missed the man I met before we got married. I missed how happy he was even if it wasn’t because of me. I missed when he cuddled me and kissed me, even if he belonged with another he still loved me and I missed when he showed me that. He now barely even touched me, kisses were more rare than seeing him because he was always saving non-sorcerers from curses then speaking horribly about them to Nanako and Mimiko.

“If your hands need to break”

I felt my heart shatter when I heard my husband had died. I couldn’t believe what I was being told by the man my husband loved, the man my husband loved more than me telling me that my husband, my lover is dead. The man my husband would always choose over me had killed my husband for ‘the greater good’ and now here I was holding him in my arms as we cried together over the man we had an shared love for, a man we both wanted but was fated to never belong to us.

I never expected that Satoru and I would bond over the man we loved, that we’d bond over the shared pain we had after loosing him. I never expected that I’d be continuing becoming a sorcerer just because Satoru had convinced me it’d be fun and I could teach the students with him.

“More than trinkets in your room”

I never thought that I’d be okay after Suguru died, I never thought I’d be happy without him but I feel horrible to say that I’m glad I’m away from him because I’ve never felt happier. I don’t have to deal with the pressure of walking on eggshells around him because I don’t know which version of my husband I’d get, I love Suguru and he’d never hurt me but he’d yell so much and I finally feel free.

I loved my husband but I’ve never felt happier without him and that makes me hate myself, but I shouldn’t. Satoru helped me accept myself, he helped me learn how to accept Suguru’s death and not let that make me end up like him. I never thought I’d fall in love with anyone that wasn’t Suguru, but here I was catching feelings for Nanami, I went to school with him at Jujutsu high but I never spoke with him much and now here I was, giggling and laughing while Nanami and I did cleaned the messy classroom after the 1st years chaos.

“You can lean on my arm”

I leaned on Nanami’s arm after a long day of teaching. I never felt happier than I did with Nanami, I thought I was in love with Suguru but I don’t think I ever was. I think it was just a Symbiotic relationship because we may have kissed, touched each other but that was only when we were in a bad state of mind or needed emotional support.

All the times we exchanged I love yous were simply a lie because I never loved Suguru and he never loved me, but I’m happy that I got time with him. I’m happy I was in his life an he was in mine. But I’m happy I lost him because now I know what it means to be in love and be happy, I’m finally happy.

“As you break my heart”

Everything went so fast. I was on a mission with Yuuji and Nobara and now I’m laying in my sweet student’s arms while they cried for me to keep fighting, for just a little bit longer. Yuuji said he’d get help and I’d be okay, Nobara repeated that Nanami will be happy to see me again. I could tell Nobara was trying her very best to get Yuuji to accept the fact that I was dying.

“I’m so proud of you two.. You both are so strong.” I said softly as I felt my vision slowly getting blurry and fading to black.

I never would’ve thought this would be how my life turned out, but I’m glad it did. I’m glad I was the way I am and I have no regrets in my life, I just wish I could’ve seen my sweet girls one more time. I haven't seen them since Suguru’s death and I wish I could see my girls one last time.

“Mommy?..” “Mama!..”

“Nanako?.. Mimiko.. You two shouldn’t be here."

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen x you #jujutsu kaisen angst #jjk x reader #jjk x you #jjk angst #x reader #x reader angst #m9rtality

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babyspacebatclone · 9 months

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So, good thing!

I have done some personal work (aka running thoughts in my head when I should be sleeping until the urge to cry stops) and come to an understanding about one of my C-PTSD triggers!

Bad thing!

Turns out this goes all the way back to childhood and I’m just as a 43 year old putting the pieces together!!!

That trigger?

Gaslighting

I know that’s a word that gets thrown around a ton nowadays and unfortunately very often not appropriately.

So, definition from Merriam-Webster:

psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator

Translation:

A pattern of behavior from an abuser where the victim is made to increasingly question their own perception of reality, with the result that the victim will learn to suppress their own “contradictory” opinions in favor of the abuser’s stated version of reality so that the victim stops feeling punished for “being wrong.”

Oh, and if you happen to have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria on top of that??

Realizing how much I experienced gaslighting from my father as a child was….

And my father was a master of it, partially because most of the time he wasn’t trying to gaslight.

He just had his version of reality, was convinced it was the only valid interpretation of events, and made sure everyone in the family who disagreed was made painfully uncomfortable enough until they stopped questioning.

Now, blaming my mother of cheating when all the evidence supports him of having extramarital relationships, that was deliberate.

But for me, a lot of it was just my father having this giant block of logic that he honestly believed, and - smothering me under it until I had to stop questioning the stuff that didn’t make sense.

And now if I encounter something with one valid point to prop up nonsense…

I’m stuck in this hyperspeed loop in my brain of Wrong Wrong It’s Wrong I’m Wrong Wrong Wrong Panic It’s Wrong I’m a Bad Person Wrong Wrong Wrong….

…..

I’m going to keep working on this.

The good news is, there’s a lot of things I’ve already been able to inoculate myself where I can ignore the flimsy stuff and just recognize the junk for what it is.

Considering I had to go through a year of working in a mental health facility as an on-floor staff, being told “Everything is under control, we’re addressing stuff, don’t worry!” only to get completely broken, finally quit, when have the facility shut down four months later for the things I was angry about when I quit and had been told right up until the end were “managed”….

….

Anyway….

I’m working on it.

#actually traumatized #rejection sensitive dysphoria #rejection sensitive disorder #rsd #tw gaslighting #gaslighting #tw emotional abuse #tw emotional manipulation

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the-healing-mindset · 1 year

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After 23 years, I have finally been able to end the abusive relationship between myself and my family. The ONLY thing that was able to remove me from the relationship was a physical change in location. This move has taken me 500 miles away from my family of origin where I can live, work, and heal in peace. Sure, to support myself and to catch up financially I will have to work two jobs, but that is leagues better than staying in an abusive environment where I was continuously being manipulated and used for all that I had and was never supported by those who were meant to support me through my early life.

One thing I have never mentioned here on the blog is that I have an abusive dad. It has taken me quite some time to come to terms with that fact, but it's the truth. It also took me a lot longer to recognize it not only because of his lies and manipulation but also because of the way he has convinced everyone who knows us that he is supportive of me and the rest of my family when the only thing he has ever done is siphon away our stability - mentally, financially, and socially. This move allows me to cut him off, something I would not have been able to do had I stayed home.

Going back to the financial stuff, I had been a source of financial enabling to my dad since the age of six. Back then I got an allowance every two weeks of $10. I would save my money for things that I may have wanted to buy at the store or at school at a later date depending on what was going on. I always noticed back then that every time I spent my money, my dad would get extremely livid with me. "SAVE YOUR MONEY FOR STUFF THAT REALLY MATTERS!" He would always be sure to do this around people so that they would be in on the conversation. Of course, they would always comment that he was "teaching me to be financially responsible," but that was never the case. The only reason he ever wanted me to save my money at all was so that he would always have access to it when he wanted. Exploitation.

My dad would always come and ask me for the money that I had saved up as a child, something that it took me years to try to comprehend. I never understood why I was always going without the things I wanted. I did extra chores around the house, did good in school, and tried to be a good child back then only to get less and less in return. Each time he took the money from me, I would see less and less of him.

"Oh you have such a good father, he does so much for you and your family." I would always have to put up with hearing this from acquaintances of the family. Every time we ran into one of them in public, it was the same story. "Oh, your father is such a good man." Over the years, I became deluded by all the different stories I was hearing compared to what I was experiencing - nothing short of outright financial, mental, and emotional abuse.

As I transitioned to my teenage years, I naturally got a job to support myself and the things I wanted in life. I finally had a bit of confidence in my financial ability because I had some money saved up in the bank. What factor didn't change, however? My financially greedy and abusive dad. By this time, things had escalated. At the age of 18, I found myself at the bank - my bank - getting a loan against my own money to give to my dad on a promise that it would be paid back. There had been about a 10-year gap from the end of the initial "loans", so I had honestly forgotten about how I never was paid back in the past, even though I had been promised just that.

I was stuck paying back that loan completely and totally on my own. This came during a time just as I had entered college and had begun paying for my degree on my own, an endeavor that saw me raise $38,000 on my own to cut down on loans. All this and not a single bit of help from either one of my parents. Mom couldn't help because she was under dad's thumb, though she doesn't see it that way. That's the way it has always been. All in all, I ended up paying for my $178,000 degree all on my own merits. Scholarships and working jobs really helped out with a lot of that. Oh yeah, and all of the loans that I have are in my name which thankfully total less than $50,000. Even though I graduated, I still can't believe that I was able to achieve all of this.

Of course, all of this is extremely deeply personal, but I share this story to remind myself of what I have been through. Additionally, I share this story just as another example of the ways in which we can be abused, manipulated, neglected, and taken advantage of but not be aware of it because of what other people say, or because of how long those things have been going on.

Today is a new start for me. I am in the real world now. Sure, life is difficult, but leading a difficult life is so much better than being continuously lied to and taken advantage of and then being told that what is going on isn't really happening.

#personal #manipulation #personal story #“rant”#mine #financial abuse #leaving #leaving home #growing up #reality #facing the truth #truth #moving on #change

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kachimera · 8 months

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celia, arikado, leon, sara for the bingo 👁️👁️

Celia

Oh what a mess of a woman. I know it's more of a writing flaw but i adore how she switches between being a threatening villain to the most incompetent moron ever (seriously girl you fake murder Dracula's reimcarnation's crush and you expect him to not instantly murder you? Fr?). Plus depending on the source she either is legit indoctrinated in her cult's beliefs which gives her a sad facet or she has the more selfish purpose of preserving her own dark magic (and what do i say? I can make both work. I think). Plus the way it can be implied that she might have contact n even collaboration w Arikado makes it better (sorry for the ppl reading this but yes it works i swear im not insane). Go silly gal go! Play Machiavellian schemes with the literal son of the dark lord and underestimate your enemy!

Arikado

Oh boi and talking abt Arikado; the common idea of a grown up n stable Alucard finding stability after "ending" the cycle is fine and all, but the implication from his AoS n DoS behaviour that he is in a terrible mental state and unable to let go of the cycle? Beautiful. Amazing. Need me more of that. He's this beautiful mini reflection of the revenge cycle, and after living through it, with the goal of murdering his own father, for so long, and having it as his sole purpose, it has devoured him n broken him. And he now wants to take control of it with his own hands, is showing both the worst behaviour of both his father AND the Belmonts (haha SotN parallels w Richter) and might end up making matters worse :) (I blame you for indoctrinating me into the neg character arc Alu, thank u) Anyways someone force this poor moron to take vacations before he loses it

Leon

THE HIM. MY BABY BOI. I love his honor n morals and how he chooses them in the face of great suffering. His bravery and impulsiveness. How he's sassy can fall into black n white thinking. How loyal he is to those close to him and how much he cares. The balance between his own feeling n his morals. The parallels w Mathias n Sara n Rinaldo. And just hmmmgjsgkwkgd my poor boi

I can't decide if i want him to recover from the LoI events or if I want him to be consumed by his traumas and thirst for revenge but in any case he goes into the blender *puts him into a sock w stones and smacks him against the walls multiple times*

Also, salt warning here but i feel like fandom either exaggerates his neg traits and acts like Mathias descent into madness ("hello church can i abandon our very important military campaign to be at home w my best friend. He needs cuddles n emotional support that will surely fix him. No it's not gay dont worry. Thanks :)"), Sara getting sealed into the VK (which she insisted on and convinced him despite his initial refusal) n the Belmont clan's burden (he did got them into monster hunting w the whip but there's no way he knew how bad things were gonna get) were all 100% his very well informed fault; Or makes him into an idiot sunshine boi who doesn't knows what death is (he's an undefeated warrior with a who knows how large body count) can't think or lead (he maintained the company undefeated during Mathias' illness) and a perfect innocent n easy to manipulate uke for his sexy older seme (I'm not saying they canonically fucked you can perfectly interpret their relationship as 100% platonic or having something but deciding to respect their girls or etc etc. But if they did the nasty then he had to rail Mathias at least a couple of times). I admit im veeery biased and picky regarding this balance but still. He has facets i say

Sara

Yes my anger girl. Let her commit crimes. I wanna write a post abt her but to resume i love her as a symbol of destroyed innocence (ha). A sweet gal who did helped everyone and was good n nice and disliked violence only to have her life ruined in so many ways that her inner frustration blooms into a divine wrath n bloodthirst. Like i said before I adore her relationship w Leon and how they made eachother better n then worse :). Plus, the manual describes her as strong hearted! She obviously loved Leon n was happy to see him! sacrificed her life in order to not turn into a vampire and instead stop Walter from harming more innocents! She has agency and her choice was crucial not only for Mathias convoluted plan but for the whole cycle. (Ppl stop forcing the "boring 100% sweet harmless never angry gal who always got dragged around by men as an object" archetype on her challenge. Yes i used to be like that but i got gud. If i can recover so others can)

And then she had to see how Mathias betrayed her n Leon and then tried to take him, and dealt w the mess that post-canon Leon was, both together but separated, furious and crushed on the other's behalf, until his death :). AND then she had to wait hundreds of years to avenge him only to have to kill the same bastard over and over and over again. Mix in vampire corruption and you have a caring but toxic Belmont Matriarch/Whip stuck in the cycle. So yea let her have negative emotions and commit crimes (Sorry John).

#me answers #castlevania #sorry for the ppl having to deal w my inner salt 👉👈

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daisychainchoker-moved · 1 year

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A lot of people quite understandably hate August, but he just might be my favourite character. He is heartwernchingly pathetic but still there’s that burning in him. He’s painful but I am infautated with the mechaninsms of his character. He is such an interesting character, the underdog of underdogs. No-one is rooting for him, he has no-one in his corner. In s1 we all think he’s a dick (Justified! he proves us right!) but his father died to drug abuse and it seems people don’t know about it. He too has an addiction issue from self medicating his own fragile mental health, that is all he has inherited from his father except from a mountain of secret debt. Poor kid is financialy struggling in a big way, and his mother just doesn’s seem to give a crap about how much he has to deal with. And not to mention that he will be grieving for Eric too. Like he is under so many pressures and so alone with them. Wille is simolarly lonely in his position of crown prince but at least he has the respect and stability of it, people are nice to him because of it even if it is superficial, and he had Simone, and when he doesn’t he has Felice- he is not alone. But the tragedy of August’s character is his isolation. He is struggling, he is repenting, he it trying so hard. But in his isolation no-one can see it, they don’t register how he punishes himself by witholding food and over exercising, or his drug dependancy. He can’t share his financial situation, he can’t share that he is the ‘back up’, or even admit his guilt for leaking the video. He can only try to appease Wille in his justified revenge and watch everything that he has spent the last several years building, quietly letting the things that gave his life meaning be stripped from him. The way he submits is heartbreaking. He would do anything for Wilhelm, to make it better, but what is that worth? There is nothing he can give but he has to give something so he sacrifices himself. He loses respect of his peers until even their platitudious relationships ring hollow. The kicker is, things are worse now. Despite his portrayal as a goody two shoes suck up overly dedicated to tradition, his rule as prefect was fair. It was almost dorky in hindsight, we see just how thoughtfull he was about the rowing team when he is able to legitimately critique the lack of comradery under its new leadership. Once it is lost we can see the kindess and gentlness he possessed, he took Wille under his wing. But in his isolation he was misguided. When Wille outed his financial situation his ‘friends’ litteraly turned away. And don’t get me started on his relationship with Sara! Initialy misguided- obviously. But who is there to guide him? He is hurting and on his own. Sara is his safe space. Remember the candle lit display in his room, how he makes it special for her, and waits and worries. Remember how despite his financial situation, and how he loathes to sell off the remainders of his legacy, of his father, he buys the horse for her. Misguided, again, but the tenderness in that gesture? Sloppy and ill thought out as it may be- it was a grand gesture he made almost casualy simply because he didn’t want Sara to be upset. And OH how fandom dotes on the unrequited admission at the end of S1 from Wille, gotta know I love some unresolved tension, but the way this gets spat back in his face? He’s an idiot, but I pitty his foolish soul. He comes so close to salvation too. He has a purpose again when he is the ‘backup’, as illdeserved as it may be it gives him drive. But the doomed nature of this glimer of a chance makes is so tragic and unbelievably depressing. It’s a complication, a technicality, and the only thing his hopes can be hitched on. Gahh!! He is tragic, he is trying, he is tearing me appart!

#young royals #august #august yr #yr #character essay #my god this got long #but my poor little meow meow #criminal be damned he is a sweetheart #he has been punished enough #let me cradle his head in my lap #fictional analysis tho remember #not to legitimately forgive what he has done #so like... complex stuff...

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kelin-is-writing · 1 year

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Hi! I wanted to ask two thing If thats okay.

First is : I have a story about Dabi and reader but Im stuck. They were childhood friends, he had the 'I will marry you when we grow up' talks and promised to always keep an eye on reader. Then he dissapeared and then...Im stuck. Pls how could they meet again? (H would reveal that he is Touya much later) I know he would stalk reader but...The first and second time they would actually meet?

And the second is : Should it be like having a relationship (and smut) after the reveal? Or before that and he would tease about reader not loving her childhood crush Touya since she is with Dabi and THEN reveal that he is indeed Touya?

Thanks If you find any time for my ask ❤️

Oh my–! Help–! it's totally okay asking! You know, i feel so honored to see someone asking me for advice like– SDJKSJDKSJDKSDJSKJDKSDJKSJDKSJDSJNXSMJDKSJDSKJDSKDJK it's actually making me want to cry, because no one has ever asked me advices for such things. ANYWAYS!

Let’s start with one question that’s been on my mind since i started reading the first question: is your story settled into the Bnha universe or a Quirkless!au? I ask because I’ve seen lots of AUs playing with the Touya hiding his real identity through Dabi in quirkless!aus too! (like i'm doing with a long fic of mine) Which is why i'll try to give you an answer that can be used for both things.

I think that Dabi and Reader should meet up in a crucial moment of their lives where both of them never expects to meet again after one of the two disappears, i think that from a literature point of view this method can help carve/influence a character's course throught out the story to forge their development for me.

The setting is up to you, depending on what you have in mind for your story, the setting of their meeting can vary. They could be meeting on the streets like they could be meeting in a bar or another place, it's really up to the plot you've decided for when they meet again.

If there's the possibility I think yes, Dabi would keep watching over Reader if she's truly important to him even after all the year they haven't seen each others. So once again, depending on your settings this trope can be used in a story.

As for the second question, you know what? I think it can work both ways, because seeing you accept Dabi makes him think that Touya didn’t have importance in your life when maybe unbeknownst of him you’ve always loved him since he was Touya. This can work both before AND after he tells you about his real identity. Dabi’s character to me (others can have whatever headcanons they want about him) is someone who in his life needs many things, two of which are reassurance and stability, especially because as Touya he didn’t get none of these, his father’s selfish and toxic ambitions, needs, goals and attitude messed up with this kid’s mental health the most because I think Dabi is one of the characters who inside of him has the biggest amount of love in the serie and he’s someone that would’ve been as good of an influence to the Todoroki's as much as Shouto is doing, if only he had close to him someone who actually supported and encouraged him as what he wanted to be: an Hero (he doesn’t need near him someone like Midoriya though, nor like any of the other hypocrits around him or his father for that matter). But with the way the Hero society is right now, someone emotional like Dabi (yes, he is the emotional type) would’ve never followed it blindly either way. This man is where he is now because he had too much love inside of him that went unseen and ignored by the peoples who he wanted to give it to, a love that he repressed to the point he became numb to anything except the “hate” for the one person who messed him up that way after gaslighting him.

So whether is before or after he reveals his identity to the Reader, once you understand his character as both Touya and Dabi, you’ll be able to write it the right way.

But if you want a suggestion from me, I think I would go with that... be it SFW or NSFW, a sincere and genuine Reader is the best choice for a character like Dabi.

One thing is for sure, he would feel bitter and sad about the distance created with the Reader (based on how close they were before he became Dabi, you can assert how much hurt he is by it) and question her reasons for reaching out to him and what her goals are, he has trust issues so of course he wouldn’t let her close if she isn’t 100% sincere with him.

You gotta keep this in mind in the case your story is a long slow-burn with angst (like the one I’m writing because I like pain lmfao) and you don’t plan to have smut in it anytime soon, after building trust you gotta slowly put into the characters tension that steadly grows until one of the twos can’t go on anymore without breaking the friends barrier.

If it’s a One-Shot I think that reunion/angsty love making and talk after it would be a good way to settle the unresolved things Dabi and Reader got going on.

This got super long and I sound super annoying, as addition I also suck at giving advices so I’m sorry, you’re genuinely troubled but I’m actually someone hopeless unfortunately 😭

Hope this messy essay was of help though 💀💜

#kelin responds #answered #libertythedragoness #writing #ugh i feel like i just said a bunch of useless shit to you...#i apologize in advance if this didn't help you at all #you'll understand through this why no one asks me for advices 😂😭#god i'm so fucking annoying istg no wonder some of my friends abandoned me lol

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rhubala · 2 years

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Aug. 22nd, 2022

One of my greatest heartbreaks is losing a parent who is still alive. I had only heard stories of the pain and heartache that comes with making the decision to end contact with a parent, but I always hoped that events in my life would never place that decision before me. After this summer, I would decide to end my relationship with my dad. Although this choice has been devastating, if I had the option to make this decision all over again, I would. I chose to end contact with my father because the father I thought I had, never existed to begin with.

While my relationship with my father was significantly strained at the beginning of my adult life, it ended this summer when he reluctantly informed my family of his four years long affair after being caught driving his mistress around town in our family car. Upon processing the shock of the years of lies it took to conceal his double life, I came to the even more painful realization that his affair was likely longer than he led on. Growing up I had many memories of his suspicious behavior that suggested his infidelity. He hid all his text messages and refused to let me use his phone for things like pulling up music. I also discovered highly concerning medical results in the house suggesting my father had relations outside of marriage. Most concerningly, he regularly scolded me for my reasonable disdain for infidelity when we watched shows or movies together. Knowing that my father refused to confess the full truth of the duration of his affair/s, added to a mountain of insult to the trust I gave him for decades. And to rub the salt into the wound further, he has been calling me a liar for telling my story and memories to others.

Not only did he betray my trust for most of my life, but he also constantly made me feel like the reason my family had grown distant in my teen years was that I was lazy, selfish, and uncaring. To make up for the distance I felt during this time, I regularly cleaned the house by myself, closely pursued my studies, helped raise my sister, and maintained the personal finances that I could control. Despite all the work I accomplished, I felt that nothing I provided for the family was ever good enough for my dad and my emotionally distant mom who was checked out of the family due to exhaustion and concerns that she also was not doing enough for the family. All the while, my dad continued to leave the home, ignore me, and ridicule me for not doing enough to keep the family together. This summer I came to find out that he was enjoying an affair using the money he saved from my struggle to maintain my own finances. I paid for my own school fees during high school and college because I feared taking too much money from my parents and being too much of a burden. I also avoided doctor and dental appointments to decrease my financial dependence on my family. In my eyes, all the money I spent perpetuating neglect to help the family save just went to his selfish affair/s that he blamed on everyone but himself.

The stress of trying to be a child without burden or a child that was worth loving had drawn me to suicide twice. Once when my dad told me I was too incompetent to find a job in the middle of the pandemic in 2020, and again in May of 2021 when I was neglecting myself to save money for an apartment in fear of living with my parents again and ruining their peace without me. With my own courage, the tremendous support of friends, and the mental health intervention of my doctor, I found the help I needed to feel loved outside of family and recognize that suicide was not my only option for escaping my feelings of worthlessness and incompetency. Although my health stabilized, I felt the same sense of worthlessness whenever I returned to my parent’s home. There was a gnawing feeling of failure that would return to me with each visit. Visits to see family became fewer and far between, and eventually I began to consider never returning to my hometown again.

These feelings remained with me for a year until this summer, when the truth about my father’s cruelty was exposed. I realized that my father had put me down the last seven years to cover up his affair/s. All the moments that I thought I was the reason for my family’s dysfunction, had been cruel attempts to cover his infidelity and stay another day in the home and family he was not supporting. Years of self-doubt, working myself to the bone, and never asking for help from my family stemmed from a cowardly man trying to hide his greatest mistake, choosing fleeting moments of entertainment over being a father and a husband.

As a social worker at heart, I do believe everyone deserves help and someone to talk to. However, I also believe that people are not entitled to receive help from the people they caused harm to. I cannot forgive my father for the pain he caused me in the past seven years, and I have grown to a place where I do not need his love or approval. I now accept that I was seeking approval for the father I thought I had because the father I wanted never existed. With that knowledge, I hope to move forward and appreciate the love I have received from so many others while he was, and still is, away. I am grieving the relationship that I wish I had with a father, but not the relationship I had with the man I thought was my father. I hope to share my experiences so others can also process the complicated emotions that come with the decision to end contact with a parent.

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libbee · 2 years

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Character analysis of Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and 8th house in astrology

This movie is written by someone who has themselves had BPD. This I am sure of. When I watched this movie, it was like someone took my mind and made a movie out of it. Only someone who actually suffers from BPD and has gone through a similar situationship in life can write this story. Period.

Clementine is into witchcraft. She changes her hair color because it transforms her identity like someone with moon in 8th house. Her emotions are volatile, she is quick to anger and easily irritated. She must have inherited this emotional instability from her maternal bloodline. She has intergenerational trauma and psychological instability.

She writes a lot of letters, takes Joel to Charles river, gives him a lot of gifts and makes his life so exciting because she has idealized him. She has a mental image of a perfect boyfriend and cannot see the real person in front of her. She projects the same mental image on every boy she dates. She repeats the same thing with everyone. She must have an absent or unavailable father. She wants a caregiver who will love her unconditionally. She forces intimacy on the first date because she craves union of soul and deep connection like that of a parent and child.

This is why Patrick goes through the exact same storyline in place of Joel because Clem idealizes every person she dates, does the exact same things with them to PLEASE them so that they will not leave her. She has intense fear of abandonment and rejection. She brings excitement to life because she fears rejection. She constantly creates drama because stability feels scary to her. This is someone with 8th house Moon.

She idealizes every man who gives her attention, does things for him to impress him and please him, repeats same letters/drawings/dancing with everyone. When some months have passed she fears engulfment and boredom. She fears that now she has exhausted her supply of excitement. She is not fun and colorful anymore. Before the guy dumps her, she will dump him. Her sense of self depends on the guy she is dating. She purposely chooses guys with low self esteem and adds excitement to their life because she wants to control them so that they cannot leave her. But then she sees their flaws after some time that the man she is dating is actually a mediocre person with low self esteem and poor character traits. She has pattern of choosing similar guys.

Out of sight out of mind. pwBPD forget people in a snap. It is like the whole relationship never happened. This is why they did not show Clem going through the procedure because her mental illness automatically erases the whole relationship from her mind after she is done devaluing Joel. She has not gone through the procedure. Her mental illness BPD has erased her memory.

Idealization, rushing into relationship, projecting a perfect image of boyfriend and relationship, intensity. Then devaluation, seeing the flaws in the person, fearing abandonment. Black and white thinking, extremely defensive, a lot of arguments. She has no self concept, no self image, no self esteem.

She mentions “I’m crawling under my skin". This is Moon in 8th house. Intense emotions, so deep and so strong that you feel like you will explode. I have suffered with this my entire life until diagnosis.

She is promiscuous and has sex with every man because she feels like her only value is sex. She forces intimacy with men by oversharing every single embarrassing thing with them and having sex with them so that they won’t leave her. She wants security and stability in her life. Which is why when Joel says “my life is not that interesting. I go to work come home", she licks her lips because she wants this stability, consistency, pillar of strength in her life to hold her through the storm and chaos in her life. She tells him that when she was young she wanted to transform her girl doll so that it would magically transform her and then she says “never leave me". She has no self image. She is intentionally creating intimacy and self pity so that Joel will feel like a caregiver. Joel feels like a man, strong, protective. She wants this rock figure in her life. Clem has an endless pit of emotional needs that no man ever can satisfy.

Notice how Joel says “I met this girl Clementine, she is amazing”, “I thought you were nuts but you were exciting", “I love you", “How cool I am attracted to someone’s back”, “and then you just took it without waiting for an answer. It was like we were already lovers", "you are lucky you have Clementice. She is cool". These are not the words of Joel. I repeat. These are not the words of Joel. Clementine is doing maladaptive daydreaming. She has MDD disorder. She is thinking these words about herself from Joel's POV because she can only see herself in relation to someone else. She has no self identity at all. She feels invisible, like a void unless she is being seen by someone else like an audience. Clem is thinking these things about herself in her daydream. She wants to be praised. She wants to be seen and appreciated.

This whole movie might just be her Maladaptive Daydreaming episode. Perhaps this whole movie is just an MDD thing. This is why they add science to it because Clem is daydreaming the whole movie and making things up. MDD coexists with BPD. The person cannot distinguish between real life and fantasy. They are so engrossed in it. They repeat the same scene until perfection. They especially repeat the “good" scenes many times because it gives them kick and rush.

Notice how the same scene is repeated many times in the end? This is because Clementine is doing maladaptive daydreaming. A maladaptive daydreamer repeats the same story in her head 100 times again and again like mad. It gives her dopamine. This is a compulsion. She is addicted to it. The “science" involved in this movie is not real. Clem is daydreaming everything and making things up.

Clem also has a drinking problem.

This whole movie is a MDD episode of a person with BPD. I have daydreamed similar love stories in my head throughout my childhood, teenage and early 20s and then I went through a similar situationship. Then I was diagnosed with BPD. After which I found out I am gifted in astrology, occult. I have calmed down now and have done deep soul searching and have a self concept. I have treated my BPD to a large extent.

Notice how every guy in the movie has had some relationship with Clementine? Clem idealizes men. She is daydreaming that all these men desire her, want her, everybody loves her, she is so cool and different. She wants to be loved and fucked by every man because they gives her security, validation, safety, self confidence.

Notice how Joel is already in relationship with Naomi? The other girl in the movie who is receptionist is in love with Howard who is married? This proves that not only Clem but even the receptionist also has BPD. Girls with BPD are intensely attracted to committed men because it gives them a sense of stability, caregiver, protection, father figure, rock figure. When I was 5 or so, I used to fancy marrying/dating men who were 50+

Notice how Clem and Joel are near the sea and Clem is jumping like a child while Joel walks beside her like a father figure? This is a fantasy in Clem's mind. She sees herself as a little girl. She has not grown up. This is why she is so exciting because she is literally a child mentally. This is why they also show them going to Joel's childhood because both of them are stuck in their childhood trauma and never grew up past it. Childhood traumas are signs of 8th house. Both of them are doing shadow work. They hate each other by the end of relationship because this is a karmic relationship to reveal their shadows to them.

When these people erase Joel's memory, Clem is daydreaming it all happening. Notice how the receptionist girl only talks about Howard? Because she is obsessed with him. She also has BPD. But she flirts and has sex with this computer guy because she wants validation, attention but she idealized Howard in her mind. While Howard has a messed up married life, she cannot see that because she only thinks in all perfect/all bad worldview.

Clem has an emotional meltdown where she feels like her skin is coming off and she is getting old. Nothing makes any sense. She cannot distinguish between feelings and facts.

Clem gets offended whenever Joel says something against her. She gets extremely defensive and insults him. She fears rejection and criticism. She also makes double braids because she is a child emotionally. She is impulsive and takes decision without thinking anything.

I can go on and on. But this is it for now.

#astrology observations #astrology #astro community #shadow self #astro observations #8th house #astroblr #movie review #hollywood #movie art #movie scenes #movie stars #filmography #eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

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venusluvrr · 3 years

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The Psychological Horror Manhwa “Killing Stalking” is not a Romance, but an Emotional Series Depicting the Codependent Relationship Between Two Ill Individuals

Content Warning!!: contains mentions of sexual abuse (rape) and mental illness.

Killing Stalking is an immensely twisted webcomic series, mainly popular within the Yaoi community for its boy on boy focused plotline. The story follows characters Yoon Bum (Bum), a shy, scrawny young man with a haunting past filled with abuse, and Oh Sangwoo (Sangwoo), a younger man who also has a quite damaging upbringing but masks it perfectly with his vibrant, extroverted personality. After being saved from a rape attempt during his time serving in the military, Bum develops a crush on his saviour, Sangwoo, from which an unhealthy obsession starts to arise and he eventually finds himself locating and breaking into the man’s home one day when he’s out. When he does, he discovers a terribly injured woman being held captive in his basement, and with further evidence, soon comes to the realization that his crush is actually a serial killer -- hence the name “Killing Stalking,” as Sangwoo kills and Bum stalks. For a very specific reason though, Sangwoo decides not to kill the man that had been stalking him, and instead holds him hostage in his custody. From here, the story goes into exceeding depth of the abnormal, toxic, and manipulative relationship the two form during their time spent together. By just the mere description of it, it’s a bit concerning to know that a large portion of readers still support Sangwoo and Bum’s relationship. In other words, they believe they truly loved each other and that the story was not only horror fiction but a romance as well. One could easily come to this conclusion by basing their relationship on the few parts within the novel where they showed affection towards each other -- for example when Bum allows Sangwoo to hug him to sleep when he suffered through the night, or my personal favourite, when Sangwoo buys Bum a stuffed frog keychain after finding out that he had an affinity for such creatures. But we cannot simply dismiss the underlying factors of their relationship because of some cute things they did that made our heart melt -- Sangwoo still abused Bum at his leisure which makes those moments quite meaningless in the sense of it all. What Sangwoo and Yoonbum shared can’t be classified as “love,” because even with their peculiar bond and endearing moments, the psychological damage they both endured played a bigger part in the way they perceived each other.

Many toxic relationships start out lovely and glamorous until the couple have become comfortable enough to start revealing some bad habits, but in Sangwoo and Bum’s case, they were already off to a bad start, as the reason they remained with each other was solely for reasons pertaining to their poor mental health.

At the time Sangwoo saved Bum in the military, Bum still suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) -- a disorder he inferrably developed due to the fact that he grew up being constantly physically and sexually abused by the people around him. People with this illness may easily develop an infatuation for a person who shows them even the least bit of care; It can reach the point where they begin to idolize them and see them almost as a perfect human being -- which is exactly how Bum viewed Sangwoo after he helped him to escape a rape attempt. The likely specific term for what Sangwoo was to Bum is a Favourite Person (FP). To an individual suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, their FP is everything -- their self-worth, identity and emotional dependency all rely on this one person, making them the center of their lives. In contrast to this sincere fondness, the only reason Sangwoo kept Bum alive was because of the man’s resemblance to his late mother -- the one person in his life who he truly loved. While his father was abusive and negligent, his mother tried her best to care for her son even while her own mental stability wasn’t so great either. Even though it was implied that he was responsible for the murder of both his mother and father in high school -- getting away with it scotch-free because of how perfectly executed his plan was -- he still shared a special bond with the woman, allowing her existence follow and continue to torutue him mentally as he grew older. When he saw Yoonbum, he felt as if she had been somewhat resurrected, or at least he could pretend so by dressing him up in his mother’s clothes and making him cook and do the chores; He also played the husband role by abusing and assaulting Bum just as his father did to his mother -- mostly just out of his own nature. Sangwoo had his own issues, “mommy issues,” and he initially needed to keep Bum alive so he could fulfill his own longing desires. Knowing the man’s character though, things wouldn’t end there and instead headed down a very gruesome and frightful path.

The very reasons that the two were drawn to each other we’re even more evident the longer they lived under the same roof. While Yoonbum continued to recall the perfect image he had of Sangwoo in his head, Sangwoo continued to manipulate the man in order to satisfy his own needs. A healthy relationship cannot be based on deceit, because one person will end up victimized instead of loved.

Oh Sangwoo is a sadistic sociopath with a history of kidnapping, abusing, raping and torturing innocent people, and because of his illness, he shows feels and shows no remorse for his actions and even proceeds to kill off his victims as they pleaded in objection. What some people don’t understand is that when Sangwoo met Bum, the only reason he treated him differently was not because he thought of him as special, but because he had a personal agenda that included making Bum think that was the truth and that he was indeed the favoured victim among many. It’s no surprise with the man’s manipulative personality that he would enjoy planting a lie in Bum’s head to make him stay and continue to do as he says, and this is confirmed whenever he returned back to his old destructive habits even after showing the man acts of affection. Yes, Sangwoo spared Bum’s life, clothed him and fed him, but as their bond grew, his narcissistic attitude was still more apparent than ever.

Upon meeting Bum for the first time, Sangwoo didn’t hesitate to aggressively break his ankles to prevent his mobility, he left the man within the dark confinement of his basement for a certain period of time before letting him out only after he had gained his trust. He made him sit in a chair to wash dishes and make dinner because he could no longer stand. Sangwoo also constantly dragged Bum down with derogatory words and statements every chance he could get, this included calling him a “retard,” and referring to him as a “disgusting” and “filthy” human being. As confirmed by the author, Sangwoo is also heterosexual, which is further proved by the homophobic remarks he made towards a significantly older man who was sexually attracted to him while murdering him with Bum’s aid. This fact alone is another one that should justify a strong point that demonstrates the true hostility of their relationship -- Yoonbum never gave his consent to have sex with Sangwoo, nor did he allow it to happen because “he wanted it.” He specifically used phrases such as, “No,” “Stop,” and “It hurts,” implying that sometimes there was no mutual agreement when they had sex and Sangwoo had actually raped him several times.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder have been reported to have difficulties seeing the faults in their partner -- this explains why Bum still held on to him. He chose to stay when he had the chance to escape, and with tears rolling down his face from excruciating pain he still told Sangwoo he loved him. In a scene where Bum is left alone with the police as they investigate the suspicions they have surrounding him, he questions them saying, “Could you kiss somebody like me? Could you love somebody like me?” As he believes nobody but Sangwoo could answer yes to those two questions, convinced that Sangwoo really does have feelings for him. It’s saddening to know that the poor man had successfully been lured into a trap, and because of his mental health it would be much harder for him to realize it.

To the readers that think, “Sangwoo and Yoonbum needed each other,” -- You’re not completely wrong. They did need each other in the way that they found somewhat of a saneness from each other’s presence, each using one another to each other’s benefit. But being together at the same time built on their insanity, as the presence of Sangwoo’s mother seemed to grow even more prevalent with Bum, who resembled her, also in the picture, and Yoonbum growing so unhealthily attached to Sangwoo that he constantly feared of abandonment and turned the sociopath into the only source of his happiness. They needed each other, but not for the right reasons. They were attached to each other, but there was no love, otherwise it would reflect throughout the story. One of the most debate-worthy scenes that challenge this fact is when Sangwoo is reported by an old lady in the hospital, the one that had ended his life, that he was calling out Bum’s name throughout the night as he lay in his deathbed. Those were his final words, and Yoonbum’s final word was also Sangwoo’s name before he was very well implied to have been hit by a car while he chased an illusion of the man he “loved.” Even I almost felt that this was solid proof that even through the tough and terrible of their relationship, deep inside, the two really were in love but could not express it in the right way due to their mental health issues -- after all, what someone makes of their final moments before death is much more meaningful than most of what they've done in their life entirely. But I came to realize that the only way I could support this relationship would be if they had met in an alternate universe where they did not suffer from such dreadful childhood trauma that made them into the hurting individual they had become before meeting each other. As difficult as it is for me to picture the two with different partners, it would be best if the two had not met at all as they only fed into the severity of their conditions.

#killing stalking #sangwoo #yoonbum #yaoi #horror #manhwa

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chloelynnblossom · 2 years

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Remember the cliche: “absence makes the heart grow fonder”? Yeah. It’s bullshit. I’ve had an absent father for majority of my life. My mother did a fantastic job as a single parent with four children. But my dad? His absence didn’t make my heart grow fonder; his absence made my heart angry, hurt, devastated, depressed. My dad left me early in my life. All I have left of him is his blue eyes, short stature, and borderline personality disorder.

For years, his absence consumed my life. Why didn’t he choose me? Why were drugs more important than his family? What did I do wrong? It made me outright cynical. I was an angry kid, and everyone could tell. As a single parent, my mother couldn’t afford counseling for me to work through the anger. So, the anger festered.

No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was my fault for him leaving. Afterall, I was only 6 and I couldn’t understand why my best friend, Jayna, had a supportive dad that would show up to every softball game while I had a dad that was always either in jail or high on heroin. Envy filled me every time I went over to a friend’s house and saw their dad there. ‘Where the f*ck is mine?’ I thought, ‘Why does SHE deserve a good dad, but I don’t?’. I spent so much time being angry at the wrong people; I was mad at myself, at my 3 siblings, at my mom, at everyone. The one person I never seemed to blame? My dad.

In full disclosure, my heroin-addicted father didn’t have an ideal childhood. With an alcoholic father and neglectful mother, he didn’t have great role models. Not only did he suffer from unfortunate circumstances, he also was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II. I frequently made excuses for him, “He didn’t choose this life, it was forced on him.” I made allowances for his absence.

Freshman year, my biology teacher began playing a documentary on heroin addiction for our research papers on opioids and their effects on the brain. The documentary explained how once morphine enters the brain tissue, it converts to morphine and binds to opioid receptors. This easily reinforces drug addiction as it alters the state of the limbic system, limiting the control over chemically-signaled emotions. The neuronal and hormonal adjustments create tolerance and unavoidable dependance on the drug. The more I learned about the damage drugs have on the brain, the easier it was for me to let go of my anger. This isn’t to say my anger disappeared overnight, it was a long process of letting go.

Addiction and mental illness controlled my father, just like anger and resentment controlled me. Rather than dwell on my father’s shortcomings, I started to consider my own shortcomings. My misplaced anger had nearly ruined my relationship with my mother, my sisters, my brother, and later my step father; my distrust and abandonment issues destructed any romantic relationship I attempted to have; my distorted self esteem and self worth resulted in eating disorders. Acknowledging my faults, I actively decided to be a better version of myself. I came to accept the fact that there is nothing anyone could’ve done to change the chemistry of my father’s brain. I learned from my father’s mistakes.

I learned to not let my upbringing determine my future. He allowed his past to determine his actions. Yes, you learn by example but you also have the power of choice. Rather than let my father’s absence control the rest of my life, I choose to let go. Recognizing my ability to choose between addiction and sobriety, I choose a life of sobriety.

I learned to not allow my mental illness to control my life. Many people afflicted with borderline personality disorder choose to self-medicate or they refuse to take their prescribed antipsychotics. Seeing my father fall victim to drugs, I know how pertinent cooperation is in staying stabilized.

I learned that sometimes giving up is okay. “Never give up” is a fallacy. For a long time, I never gave up in believing my dad would come back into my life. I believed wholeheartedly

I learned to always find a silver lining.

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melisusthewee · 3 years

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OC Interview: Quinn Trevelyan

This took... a while. But it was such an interesting meme! Thank you so much @noire-pandora @morganlefaye79 @cleverblackcat and @darethshirl for tagging me! I almost sort of gave up on this and went back to my Warden as she would be much more open and candid about things, but when have I ever done the easier task?

For context, we will say that this interview was organized by Ambassador Montilyet once the Inquisition had comfortably established itself in Skyhold and its reputation had begun to grow, generating curiosity and interest among several circles across the south. Its subject found the whole idea questionable at best, but Josephine has her ways of wearing the Inquisitor down.

Introduction

Can you introduce yourself?

"Formally? Are you sure you want to write all of this down? Lord Inquisitor Quinn Julius [he grimaces] Barrington Trevelyan... His Most Holy... Herald of Andraste... etc etc. Look, just put down 'Quinn.' That's good enough."

What is your gender identity, orientation, and relationship status?

"I - what? I'm a man. And everything else is no one's business but my own. Unless this is a proposition. In which case - hang on, are you still writing?!"

Where and when were you born?

"Ostwick, 9:08 Dragon. If you want more details on the event, you'll have to go and write to my mother. Except please don't, as I don't want to read about it."

What is your weapon of choice and fighting style?

"I've used a bow since I was eight years old and I assure you I am even better than everyone says. You can go and check the competition board if you like. I'm surprised they haven't barred me from taking part yet... probably because I'm the one in charge. [he winks]

"There's an art to it. Everyone looks at a bow and thinks they can handle it just like everyone thinks they can pick up a sword and flail around until they hit something. But longbows aren't like you're plucking the strings on a harp. The average broadsword is what - two pounds? Compare that to the average draw weight of eighty-one pounds. You have to be strong, accurate, and careful. If the string's too taut, your aim will be off at best... at worst, it will snap and you'll lose an eye.

"As for style? Put down deadly. Yes, just like that. You didn't really think I'd give away all my secrets, did you?"

And finally, are you happy?

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Family and Friends

What is your family like? What is your relationship like with them?

[there is an extremely long silence]

"They're Trevelyans. There are a lot of them, they're wealthy, chances are that someone somewhere knows at least one of them. And they are all - well almost all of them - are all the way in Ostwick and I am here. And that's the best thing for all of us.

"...Yes, I did say almost. One of my brothers is - or was - a templar, and the Order's sort of not really around anymore so he stuck around with the Inquisition. Can you also interview him? Sure, if you want to. He's never had an interesting thing to say in his entire life though, so you're going to be disappointed. I'm the one with the looks and the personality."

Have you ever run away from home?

"There was one time when I considered becoming a bard - not the Orlesian sort - and just slipping away during one of the Grand Tourneys. I imagine no one would have noticed. But even I knew that was a very foolish idea as I didn't know how to play any instruments."

Would you want to get married or have children?

"No. Marriage is so... limiting. Why tie yourself down to one person? The idea is so dull."

Do you secretly hate any of your friends?

"What is the point of hating anyone secretly?"

What friend knows everything about you?

"No one. And anyone who claims otherwise is lying. Trust me."

Asked by fans

Can you read and write? Did you go to school?

"My father's the Bann of Ostwick. Do you really think they would have let me grow up without tutors? Life certainly would have been more fun that way, but no... I had lessons. I will admit that reading and writing is useful and important, but I'm not sure how important it was to learn to sing the Chant in its original Orlesian... unless you're trying to seduce someone who is very into that."

The scariest prediction you made that later came true?

"Hold on, did someone claim I was a fortune-teller? I'm Andraste's Herald, but she's the prophet, not me. I'm not making predictions about anything. I don't do that. Please don't start telling people that I do."

Do you have mental or physical problems?

"My back aches when it rains... old war wound and all. [he laughs] No, I've never been in a war... well, maybe depending on how you look at the current situation this might be my first. But I'm perfectly healthy. Make sure you put in that I was bright-eyed, alert, firm-chested..." [he continued but the transcript did not, despite his insistence to the contrary]

What's your main goal right now?

"Well, that's a complicated thing to answer. We're here to set things right. I'm here to keep the world from falling apart, and it isn't easy, and not everyone is amenable to stability. But I'm going to do it anyway."

Choices

Drink or eat?

"I don't think that's really an either/or choice."

Cats or dogs?

"If this is being published in Ferelden then I feel I should answer dogs. But I'm fond of cats too. Well, maybe fond isn't the right word. I am... amenable to both animals. There are a few cats around Skyhold that we keep as mousers, and only one of them is particularly mean. The rest are all right, and fond of chin scratches."

Optimist or pessimist?

"If you assume the worst then you can only ever be pleasantly surprised."

Sassy or sarcastic?

"Is there a difference? There is? Huh..."

Have You Ever:

Been caught sneaking out?

"Yes. So then I got better at it. And as long as I was back in my bed by sunrise, no one was the wiser. Oh, I'm certain this isn't new information to my parents. Trust me, nothing you write down about me is going to cause any greater scandal than all the times the city guard had to escort me back to my family's estate."

Broken a bone?

"I had my cheek broken in a tavern fight once. Cracked the skull right around my eye right about... here. [he taps his cheek just below his eye] It swelled up terribly and my father made me live with it for two entire days before he finally summoned a healer from the Circle to set it right. He thought it would teach me an important lesson, and in some way it did... just not the lesson he was hoping for." [he grins]

Did you get flowers?

"No, I can't say I ever have. [a pause] I'm going to be inundated with bouquets now, aren't I?"

Ghosting someone?

"Ah. Um. Well. Look, mornings are made of regret, so I don't intend to stick around for them."

You pretended to laugh at a joke you did not get?

"If I don't get the joke then it means it isn't a very good one and the person telling it shouldn't probably know that."

Oh lord, this took me forever... I hope this was amusing if not interesting though!

Tagging: @inquisitoracorn @rosella-writes @1000generations and anyone else who wants to do this and has yet to be tagged!

#oc: quinn trevelyan

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carryonmywaywardcaptain · 3 years

Text

Miles of Memories- 1

We’ve Got Tonight- Bob Seger

Miles of Memories Masterlist CarryOnCap’s Masterlist

Dean x reader Best Friends to Lovers AU

Summary: Feeling anxious about heading off to college, you make the most of your last night in town with the help of your best friend, Dean.

Warnings: fluffy, adorable Dean and fun banter. Slight angst (goodbyes are hard). Minor mentions of childhood trauma

WC: 2,900

A/N: This part is like a “prelude” to give you a glimpse of Y/N and Dean’s relationship (5 years before the main storyline). I hope you stay tuned for the slowest of Dean x fem!reader slowburns. I’m so excited to share this story, so please let me know what you think! MASSIVE thanks to my spectacular and badass beta crew—@christopher-evxns @deanwinchesterswitch @ezilyamuzed & @wonder-cole—for all of their help and input!! I edited even after their feedback, so all mistakes are my own. Credit to Bob Seger for the song :)

Zipping your suitcase closed with a heavy sigh, you worked through your mental checklist for the hundredth time to make sure you hadn’t forgotten to pack anything.

“Jeez, you act like it’s the last time you’ll ever see this place or something.” With a smile and a roll of your eyes, you turned to see Dean leaning casually against your doorframe. “Y’know, I figured I’d talk to Bobby about renting this space out anyway. Save you the stress of missing it while you’re gone because it’ll look completely different the next time you come back.”

“I’m not too worried. I think you’re the last person Bobby would trust with anything—let alone a space in his house.”

Dean grinned, pushing off the doorframe to mosey into your room. “See, normally I’d agree with you. But it just so happens that he gave me my very own key to the garage, so I think he’s coming around. This ready?” He pointed at the suitcase on your bed, and you nodded.

“Riiight. I’m supposed to believe that Bobby would actually give you a key to come and go at the shop anytime you want.”

Dean shrugged, spinning on his heel with your bag in hand. “Guess he’s looking for a new favorite since you’re skipping town to go be successful out in the real world.”

You snorted and shook your head, silently following him to the door. He stepped out of the way, placing his free hand on the doorknob as you scanned the bedroom one last time. Gnawing your bottom lip, you sucked in a deep breath and tried to alleviate some of the tightness in your chest.

This room had been a safe haven for most of your life, and it was hard to remember the days before you called it “home.” Your mother had passed away when you were a toddler, and your father was a drunk, in and out of jail and your life until one day he didn’t come back. Bobby had often been the one who took care of you when your father needed to pass you off onto someone else.

You didn’t remember much about the “Travelin’ Man” (as Bobby not-so-lovingly referred to him on the rare occasions he was mentioned), but you could easily recall the night Bobby told you this would be your room for good. The relief and excitement you’d felt upon learning you’d have a space of your own were still vivid. Knowing you had a place you could always return to provided a sense of stability and consistency you’d never known.

Bobby may not have been your father by blood, but he was your dad in every sense of the word. Sure, he was a little rough around the edges and tended to be a hermit, but he also had a heart of gold, and not once had he ever made you question whether he cared about you.

A few weeks after settling into your new home, you had met Jessica and Sam during recess at your new elementary school. Although they were a grade younger, you’d instantly hit it off with them. Jess and Sam had always been there for you over the years, too, willing to lend an ear or make time for movie nights and spontaneous trips to the diner. Eventually, Sam had introduced you to Dean, and the two of you had been inseparable ever since. Each and every memory you had growing up involved at least one (if not all three) of them. But while it was difficult saying goodbye to everyone in general...you still hadn’t been able to grasp the idea of saying goodbye to Dean.

Dean was the one who had been by your side through everything. From heartfelt life chats and your deepest moments of self-doubt to car ride sing-alongs and your loudest belly laughs. He was always there to comfort you, remind you not to take things so seriously, and even drag you into trouble once in a while.

The thought of leaving him and your safe, familiar home brought yet another wave of apprehension and doubt. What if you were making a huge mistake?

“Y/N...” Dean’s gentle voice coaxed you back to reality. “We’ve still got a lot to pack into our night, so don’t go checking out on me yet.”

Without looking back, you slipped past Dean and heard him shut the door as you made your way downstairs.

“You know, this wouldn’t be so hard if you would’ve just applied like I told you to. Then we could both be going off to college together, and you’d find out what an honor it would be to have me as a roomie.”

“Okay, well, let me remind you that you’re the one who decided to go ‘see what’s out there’ and get a fancy college degree under her belt. And, even if we did survive being roommates without making the other want to pull their hair out, there’s no way in hell that town would be able to handle both of us.”

“That’s fair.”

“Besides, I won’t have much of a chance to miss you. You’ll probably flunk out and be back here by the end of the semester anyway.”

“Also fair,” you laughed. “Taking a year off to work at The Roadhouse and pretend to get my life together seemed like a good idea at the time, but I’m a little worried about getting into the groove of studying and all that crap again.”

“You know, if you need help, all you gotta do is pick up the phone. I mean, Sammy’s a real bookworm, and he’s only a phone call away.” Dean winked as he held the front door open and motioned for you to lead the way.

Sticking your tongue in your cheek, you fought to hide your amusement at the way he threw his brother under the bus. Before you made it through the door, you whirled around toward the stairs again. “Dang it. I forgot my bathroom bag. Do you mind tossing that one in the car? I’ll be right back!”

“Another bag? Where are you gonna put all this crap?” he muttered.

After retrieving the pouch from the bathroom upstairs and making sure you hadn’t left any necessary items in the drawers and cabinets, you hurried outside to find Dean patiently waiting beside your car. You tossed the small bag and he caught it with ease, pitching it in the backseat before closing the door.

“And done. Any last-minute stops to make along the way?” he asked.

“Nope. I caught Ellen, Jo, and Jody at the end of my shift yesterday, and Charlie was over for a bit this morning. And, you know, Sam and Jess ditched us for California last weekend. That means you and Bobby are the only two left to put up with me until I leave in the morning.”

When your voice cracked unexpectedly, you cleared your throat and surveyed the scrapyard until the faint prick in the corners of your eyes faded. As your departure drew near and you considered everything you were leaving behind, venturing out into the world was quickly beginning to feel more daunting than exciting.

“Hey…” Dean gripped the tops of your arms, stirring you from your thoughts. “We’ve got tonight. Who needs tomorrow? We’ve got tonight...babe. Why don’t you staaaaaaaayy—”

You had thought he was going to say something sweet and comforting, but you playfully shoved him in the chest when you realized he was speaking in Bob Seger lyrics. He stumbled back a step, laughing as he walked around the front of the impala and climbed inside.

***

There was an old park on the outskirts of town where Bobby and John would occasionally drop you both off when they had errands to run. As the years passed, you began riding your bikes the few miles across town, taking turns balancing Sam on your handlebars until Dean was old enough to drive. Eventually, Sam stopped tagging along, but somewhere along the way the park became a place you and Dean cherished.

A large pond stretched across most of the area, and there was a stately willow tree near the water’s edge that served as your designated “spot.” It was a hideaway often overlooked by others, but it was the perfect escape when the two of you needed a place that was all your own.

“Alright.” Dean plopped down beside you on the blanket. “You’ve got your grub, an amazing view, and the best company you could ever ask for. What else could you possibly want?”

“You’re right. Baby’s good company and all, but she’s not much of a conversationalist.”

Dean grimaced. “Just for that, I might eat your food.”

“Depending on what it is, I might let you.”

He smirked and unrolled the brown paper sack in his hand. “PB&J’s, just like Mom used to make! I asked if she could whip up a few before she flew out to make sure Sam got all settled at Stanford. She said to tell you she’s sorry she couldn’t catch you and to wish you good luck. This seemed like a, uh, better idea at the time...now that it’s been a couple of days, these might taste like shit.”

You couldn’t help but laugh as you took the sandwich Dean offered. “We’ve probably eaten worse, but I appreciate the sentimental twist. Seeing as how you’re in your 20’s and you had your mom make us sandwiches.”

“Hey, I was going for authenticity! Trying to help you feel like a kid again before you start adulting or whatever and—you know what? Just shut up and eat your food.”

The two of you unwrapped your sandwiches and continued bantering back and forth between bites. Even though the bread was soggy from marinating in jelly for a few days, and it certainly wasn’t the best thing you’d ever eaten, it brought back a flood of nostalgia.

When a comfortable silence fell over the two of you, your thoughts began to drift to dozens of adventures you and Dean had had here. You gazed out over the water, watching the willow branches graze the surface as they gently swayed in the breeze. You tried to commit every detail to memory as you soaked in the peaceful atmosphere, not knowing how long it would be until you returned.

After a while, Dean chuckled under his breath, and you looked at him curiously.

“You remember that day we were pretending to be pirates, and Dad ended up coming to pick us up early?”

“Of course.”

“Man, he was so pissed when he saw us standing on top of that picnic table we managed to drag out and ‘sail’ into the middle of the pond. Sure made an awesome ship, though.”

You smiled at the memory, though it was anything but funny at the time. “I think he was a little more pissed at the fact that we left Sam playing alone in the gazebo. And obviously what made the ‘ship’ great was the pirate flag I made.”

“Uh-huh,” Dean snorted. “You mean the crappy skull you drew on our lunch bag and stuck on the end of a stick? Pretty sure we were having a blast with the ship because it was my brilliant idea in the first place.”

“I was like 8, and it was still better than anything you could’ve drawn.” You crumpled up your trash and threw it at him. “And I was having fun--right up until you pushed me off anyway. I nearly choked to death on all that nasty water I sucked in.”

“Okay, well, you shouldn’t have been trying to be Captain when I’m the oldest, and it was clearly my title to begin with. There was no plank to walk, but obviously, you had to go overboard.”

He grinned, keeping his gaze fixed on the water. As you studied his face and noticed the faraway look in his eye, his smile faded. You figured his thoughts had drifted back to his dad, who had passed away a couple of years later.

“I felt so damn bad, though. I really was afraid you were gonna drown. And Bobby was ready to kill me when he found out.”

“Lucky for you, you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

The two of you joked and reminisced for several more hours, eventually watching the sun set over the water until it sank below the horizon. When it was time to head back to Bobby’s, Dean took the long way home so you could crank the radio and sing along with your hand hanging lazily out the open window. Back at the house, you sat on the kitchen counter and talked with both men until Bobby finally bid you goodnight--but you still weren’t ready to call it a night, knowing morning would come soon and it would be time for you to leave.

After convincing Dean to stay a little longer, you grabbed a couple of old blankets and spread them in the bed of one of the pickup trucks near the house. With your head on his chest and your body tucked comfortably against his side, you chatted beneath the stars until you drifted off to sleep.

***

“Got everything all packed up?” Bobby asked.

“I think so,” you answered.

“Better double-check because I’m not driving a few hours just to bring you a lost shoe or something.”

“Is that a challenge?” you teased, seeing right through his gruff quip. “Because I bet I could talk you into it. We both know you’re not gonna know what to do without me.”

He frowned a little before smiling fondly, and you could’ve sworn there was a misty glaze in his eyes.

“Yeah. I s’pose you’re right.”

“Oh, don’t get all sentimental on me now. You could probably use a little break. Besides, I’ll be back so often you’ll just get sick of me all over again.”

“C’mere, kid.”

Bobby reached out and pulled you into a hug. Much too soon, he let go and stepped aside so you could say goodbye to Dean. His soft green eyes had been fixed on you, but he glanced away and clenched his jaw when you took a step toward him.

“So, uh...don’t forget about us when you make it big out there in the real world—catch a break as an artist or an author or some music critic.”

“Yeah, okay,” you scoffed. “I haven’t even picked out a major yet, but I think I have an advisor who can help me figure out a good fit...eventually. Maybe I’ll be a doctor—or follow in Sam’s footsteps and be a lawyer!”

“There you go. Why not just do it all while you’re at it? Jack of all trades, master of none. Whatever you end up doing, you better come back to visit soon.”

“You got it. Try not to turn into a grumpy old man while I’m gone.”

He shook his head, cracking a smile as he met your eyes. “Only a couple years older than you, brat. Anyway, I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep last night, so I made you a playlist for the drive. Figured I might as well do something useful while I was awake. I sent it to you while you were getting ready.”

Pulling out your phone, you found a message already waiting with a link to the playlist.

“This is awesome, Dean, thank you. But if it ends up being six hours of nothing but Zeppelin, I’m gonna be pissed.”

He tossed his head back and laughed, making the knot in your throat grow once again at the thought of not seeing him almost every day. You couldn’t help but wonder if he’d miss you as much as you were going to miss him.

“Don’t worry; I think it ended up being a decent mix. Not too many classics and not too much of the more modern crap. There was, uh... a certain thought process behind each song, let’s just say that.”

“We all know some of that modern crap is a guilty pleasure of yours. I mean, Taylor Swift?”

“Yeah…” His gaze lingered until his grin faded to a sad smile. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Pressing your lips into a thin line, you leaned forward and threw an arm around each man. Squeezing your eyes closed, you hugged them tight.

“All joking aside...you got nothing to worry about. You’re gonna kick this college thing in the ass,” Dean murmured.

“Thank you.”

Clearing your throat, you slipped out of their embrace and quickly made your way to the car.

“Drive safe--and call when you get there!” Bobby hollered.

Stealing one last glimpse over your shoulder, you waved and slid behind the wheel. You hit shuffle on the playlist, letting the music fill the vehicle while you fasten your seatbelt.

I know it’s late

I know you’re weary

I know your plans don’t include me...

You shook your head and smiled, blinking back tears at the irony of the song—the lyrics perfectly encapsulating your night with Dean.

Look at the stars so far away

We’ve got tonight

Who needs tomorrow?

We’ve got tonight, babe

Why don’t you stay?

As you started the car and drove away, seeing him and Bobby grow smaller in the rearview mirror, you finally began to cry.

Part 2

CarryOnCap Crew (Forevers):

@abswritesfandoms @amanda-teaches @cosicas-cuquis @crist1216 @droidyouseek @emoryhemsworth @ericaprice2008 @flawless-disaster @janeyboo @jenn0755 @ksgeekgirl @maresmiley @memyselfandmaddox @notyourtypicalrose @randomparanoid @rynabarnesrogers @sandlee44 @scarletsoldierrr @shann-the-artist-moon @sheerioasteroidpanda @shynara51 @someday-when-you-leave-me @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan @thisismysecrethappyplace @torntaltos @waywardbaby @waywardrose13 @weebid @whimsicalrobots @wintersoldierbaby @yesfanficsaremylife

Cap’s SPN Crew:

@adoptdontshoppets @akshi8278 @alexwinchester23 @chevyharvelle @deangirl7695 @dean-winchesters-bacon @fandomoniumflurry @pisces-cutie @supernaturalenchanted @superromijn @thoughts-and-funnies @waywardnerd67 @x-waywardaf-x

Miles of Mems Tags:

@bobbie3939 @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @mlovesstories @onethirstyunicorn @peridottea91 @valsworldofcreativity

Also tagging those of you who seemed interested when I posted the masterlist. I don’t want to pester you, so I probably won’t tag you in future parts unless you let me know that you’d like to be tagged!

@badlittlehabit99 @cajunquandary @devvoon @flamencodiva @hybrid-in-the-making @impalackless @janicho88 @themoonblooms

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technospotatoes · 3 years

Text

C!SAM - Redeemable Qualities Analysis (Dream SMP)

Hallo! I’m back with another brain rot post for ya’ll instead of doing my schoolwork :]

Recently, I’ve been doing some thinking and theorizing with some friends on discord following Quackity’s huge lore stream (if you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend you watch it). I woke up this morning with a head full of many thoughts about C!Awesamdude and where his story could take us. Seeing as how there is going to be lots of change in the future with the server, there must be changes in these characters as well-- evil to good, good to evil, and the like. With these changes comes my thought: “can these characters be redeemed?” Here are my thoughts on how this applies to C!Sam.

Please let me know your thoughts and theories, I’d love to discuss with you! As always, strap in, it’s gonna be a long one :]

I hope you enjoy!

Author’s note: I want to start this off by saying that all of the contents being discussed are fictional, and are from the Dream SMP universe. I do not support the actions of these characters, but merely have interest in analyzing them through a lens of psychology and for entertainment purposes. Content of this post will contain spoilers up to 3/25/21 of the DSMP lore. I will also talk about ATLA a little bit ;)

Content warning: mentions of torture, manipulation, death, possible psychological trauma

(pls be safe ily)

What makes a redeemable character?

Redeemable characters are some of the most pleasing and favored characters in modern media. Their stories are rich with emotion, and they can even evoke some form of catharsis within the most skeptic consumers. Redeemable characters are memorable and inspiring, and without one, a story can feel empty. Before we apply this character trope to the Dream SMP and C!Sam, we need to answer a basic question in order to fully understand the complexity of redeemable characters and how they are so universally significant.

What is a redeemable character?

Simply put, a redeeming character or characteristic counteracts or corrects something negative. From a storytelling standpoint, a redeemable character is someone who has roots in good qualities, turns bad, and has the ability to revert their wrong choices to become a better person.

Examples of redeemed characters in popular media include:

Zuko - Avatar the Last Airbender

Boromir - Lord of the Rings

Kylo Ren - Star Wars

Severus Snape - Harry Potter

Zuko, for example, starts his story off as the villain. He tirelessly hunts down the protagonist, and will stop at nothing to achieve his goal to please his father. However, as the show progresses, we learn that Zuko wasn’t always bad. He was only driven to his path of villainy because of his fear of failure, of his father (the firelord and true antagonist of the show), and of a greater punishment than what he had already received. With the help of his uncle, Zuko learned to push through and accept his past, while also making amends with his wrongs and coming to the realization of who the true enemy was; ultimately choosing peace and unity over destruction and fear. Zuko’s story is so appealing because it was drawn out. It was raw, it was real, and it was a genuine telling of how damaged people can heal, change, and come to accept themselves. Because he went through the process of redemption, he was not only able to be loved by those around him, but also by his audience-- And I believe that this can be the same case with any redeemable character.

So how does this relate to C!Sam? How could he possibly be redeemable if he is not evil?

C!Sam has become increasingly interesting to me in the DSMP lore, and he has shown how complex his character is-- in contrast to many first impressions that people have of him. Based upon his actions from the past, and his willingness to remain neutral in times of conflict, we can conclude that he sustains both “neutral good” and “lawful neutral/good” qualities. This means that Sam is a reliable character, driven by his own personal values, and is devoted to helping others (when he sees fit). Evidence of these qualities emerge…

When he sided with Pogtopia during the Manberg War to maintain good relations with Tommy and Tubbo.

When he saved Hannah from the Egg

Created Sam Nook to assist Tommy in building his hotel

Built Pandora’s Vault for Dream

Showed concern for Ranboo after one of his denied prison visits

Sam’s moral code is deeply rooted with good intentions; he keeps an eye out for his friends, maintains his relationships, assists in builds/projects, and also serves as a “stable adult figure” for some of the younger members of the server. In contrast to his logical outward appearance, C!Sam lets his emotions drive his decision making-- which can lead to many severe consequences depending on how he acts. However, recently Sam’s actions indicate that he is experiencing a flip in morals.

Below are incidents that have led to C!Sam’s recent change in moral code.

Incident 1: Trapped with the Egg

Many weeks ago, during the height of character involvement with the Egg lore, C!Sam was lured into a trap by BBH and Antfrost. He spent about a day trapped in close contact with the Egg, and after he was saved by Puffy and Tommy, he was clearly changed. It is likely that the Egg is behind these sudden changes in character motivation for Sam… similarly to how it corrupted BBH, Ant, and Punz. Whether this is the case with Sam is unclear.

Incident 2: Tommy’s death

C!Sam and C!Tommy’s relationship within the DSMP lore is one of my favorite things to talk about. After his victory over the disk war and finally landing his nemesis in prison, Tommy was left empty, without much to do. He decided to take upon a new project to incite a new era of peace, and was able to enlist the help of Sam with building his hotel. Throughout this process (and under the watchful eye of Sam Nook), Tommy and Sam were able to develop a bond with each other through their work, along with their interactions at the Prison.

Sam has made it clear that he intends to defend Tommy no matter what-- but after his untimely death at the hands of C!Dream, Sam was deeply wounded. He felt as if he failed his promise to keep Tommy safe, and he made it clear that the blame for the “security issue” and C!Tommy’s death should be placed fully on him. No matter how selfless and responsible this makes his character appear, this event will only serve as the basis for severe consequences in moral change in the future.

Incident 3: Confrontation with Quackity

Following the large emotional impact of Tommy’s death, C!Sam is very vulnerable, because he is still within the stages of grief. C!Quackity came to Sam for a partnership, to take advantage of Sam while he was low to gain the upper hand. It’s no question that Q’s character is a talented manipulator, we can see that clearly in his interaction with Sam. Q restates again and again that Sam failed, further cementing Sam’s existing guilt and desire for revenge for his failure. Sam gives in to the manipulation, and somewhat reluctantly allows Quackity to torture Dream to get information and to get payback for what he did to Tommy... which completely goes against what his responsibility of Warden entails.

As Warden, C!Sam is supposed to uphold the law and rules of visitation, but because of his leniency with Quackity (in breaking the rules) and because he is still emotionally raw, he no longer defends good from evil, but is now biased against it. C!Sam probably wants Dream dead, but as Warden, his opinion shouldn’t matter. Because Sam fully blames himself for failing Tommy, he's lost the "lawful good" in his character, meaning Warden Sam (as a set of morals) truly doesn't exist anymore.

Incident 4: Ponk’s mistake

To recap a stream briefly, Ponk did a prank on Sam a couple days ago, and stole a few of the expired keycards to Pandora’s Vault. Rightfully, Sam was very angry, and not only took back the keycards, but also imprisoned Ponk. However, where this interaction should have ended, C!Sam only took it to the extreme. (TW!!!!) Out of anger and frustration, C!Sam tortured Ponk for his wrongdoing by setting him on fire, and amputating his arm (END TW!!!).

This only proves my point from Incident 3. Warden Sam is fading, only bits and pieces of his morally neutral character remain within him for basic tasks. His encounter with Quackity had a huge impact on his psyche, not only is he allowing the torture of the prison occupants, but he is doing it himself as well. C!Sam is now starting to believe that pain and torture are the only solutions for punishment, which is the complete opposite of what he believed before Dream was imprisoned.

In short...

C!Sam is losing his grip on moral and mental stability because of his emotional insecurity due to his psychological trauma. Because of this, I believe that it is entirely possible for Sam’s character to explore the route of evil and unlawful values-- which furthers the possibility for a redemption arc. Even currently, Sam is eligible for redemption as well.

If C!Sam is willing to acknowledge his wrongs from today and improve himself upon them, he will likely become a more memorable, lovable, and even more human character than we’ve seen in the SMP before.

SIDENOTE!

IRL Sam recently posted in his discord talking about his character. Here are a few key things to keep in mind as the story goes forward:

“There is a LOT of things in the plan for me as a character and a very big change is coming about for me as the story moves along.”

I believe this change could be a villain arc, or a turn towards evil that incites the possibility for redemption.

“My character is playing a role that I think is VITAL for the server and a role that I like to think was a good one for me to pick up and accept.”

You can read the reddit post I referenced for this here (ty to my friend on discord for providing me with the link <3)

TYSM FOR READING!! <3 <3 <3

#dreamsmp #awesamdude #ponk #tommyinnit #tubbo #mcyt #captainpuffy #dsmplore #dream smp lore #dream #dream smp analysis #QUACKITY #my work

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brownjet-archive · 4 years

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why the fandom doesn’t let katara express her trauma

there are two very simple things here: misogony, and racism.

as i just said in this post, all other characters in the show are allowed to express their trauma! Let’s break that down shall we!

Let’s start with Aang!

There is absolutely nobody who can dispute this, Aang has so much trauma. He is the sole survivor of a targeted genocide against the Air Nomads. Important things to remember in terms of Aang’s trauma, he is a twelve-year-old boy, and became the youngest master airbender (lok spoilers, he is surpassed by his grandaughter), and because of that the elders of the Air Nomads thought that they should inform Aang, again a TWELVE-YEAR-OLD (normally he would’ve been told when he was 16) that he was the avatar (the most powerful being) and that a war was potentially brewing, and that he would need to begin his avatar training. Aang, obviously scared, betrayed, and understanding the responsibilities of being the avatar, did a thing that is understandable for a twelve year old: he ran away.

And his actions will always haunt him; he will always live with the trauma of being the sole survivor of the genocide against his people, and in order to honor the memories of his people, Aang does his very best to always preserve the culture of the Air Nomads. And while, he is criticized for preserving his culture (shut up about how you wanted him to kill Ozai! shut up about saying aang might’ve killed people before! shut up! it’s not funny, and it says you don’t respect aang’s values, and if you can’t respect a cartoon’s values, how are you going to respect the value’s of people of color!!), but he is never criticized for talking about his trauma. Mostly because everyone watching can realize what horrible things he has experienced.

That’s about as much as people can process, and in their minds Aang remains a goofy child, forgetting the pain, anger, and trauma he experiences, and the fact that he chooses to forgive. He chooses to let go of his anger. He chooses to be kind. And within Aang, he cannot be both kind and angry because it would tear him apart. Aang chooses to be silly, goofy, and kind, because those are the values he was taught by his people, and that is the person he wants to be.

Let’s move onto Toph!

Everybody loves Toph because she invented a new bending discipline, she’s a badass, she’s rude, she’s disabled, and she’s hilarious. The thing about Toph is, she’s a hardass. She is stubborn, like a rock. She is grounded, and knows her power, and is never in any way humbled by a loss of power. She is a force to be reckoned with, and she knows this, and she loves fighting, loves bending, and has no shame about being apologetically herself. Wow, it’s almost like, she and Katara have the exact same values and are both the most powerful benders of their respect elements!

So, the thing is, up until she met the gaang, Toph wasn’t allowed to be herself in any way shape or form. So the first time she has freedom, the thing she craves, she gives in and lets herself be who she is. And she never fails to be herself.

Her stubbornness and Katara’s stubbornness are the catalysts of their rather tempestuous relationship. Both of them are bossy, but before meeting Toph, Katara had been the leader, had been the loudest and most outspoken, but upon meeting Toph there was someone with a similar volatile temper to her own, but rather than being another parental figure, Toph filled the role of the “wild child.” Suddenly the dynamic of the gaang was shifted away from Katara, and now there are two big stubborn forces at odds with each other: one about doing the fun thing and the other about doing the correct thing.

And the thing is, when they are not at odds with each other, they are the ones who have the most fun, they are the ones who work the best as a team, and they are the ones you want to have on your side. But when they are at odds with each other, they are volatile, and snappy, and rude.

But the thing is, Toph is allowed to do that. She’s allowed to do that because it fits in with her character as the “tomboy.” It fits in with her doing whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Toph is the most accomplished earthbender by the time we meet her, and the only time we have ever seen her struggle with her earthbending was when she invented metalbending.

Toph is allowed to be loud, rude, and express the trauma of not being herself, because that is a very common trauma, especially among children of color, and lgbtq children. By rejecting her old life, by being apologetically herself, she takes on the trauma of rejecting all aspects of her femininity, something that again, is very relatable. Whereas Katara doesn’t have that trauma.

Toph’s trauma is accepted, and talked about and it is because she is a character in who people can see themselves in, and that makes people like her more.

Where is Suki?

So, the thing about Suki, is especially since the revival, people are making sure that Suki is included, and talk about her a lot. It’s just cause she’s so amazing, and we are all probably just a little bit in love with her.

While Suki is an important character, her arc within the narrative isn’t one that we, the audience, get to experience a lot. She is allowed to be kind, and emotional, and she wears makeup and embraces femininity, but she is also established as one of the most, if not the most, powerful and important characters.

But because people are talking about Suki, her trauma at being a prisoner of war is being talked about. It’s not being talked about on a large scale, but it is being acknowledged and validated as real and actual trauma. But the other thing is, Suki herself doesn’t really talk about it. Not because she’s closed off, but because she doesn’t have the amount of screen time that any of the other characters have.

So this is kinda my disappointing end to the piece about Suki’s trauma because unfortunately there wasn’t a lot that happened within the show, and the show doesn’t have her resolving it in any way.

Now the Fire Nation people! Zuko!

I actually really don’t want to talk about Zuko because Zuko’s trauma is always talked about, and it’s always the first thing white people bring up when talking about the show. “Zuko’s redemption arc was the best thing ever!” Yeah, it was the best redemption arc to ever exist, but he and Katara are literally the exact same person! They have similar traumas, they are mean, rude, and explosive, and y’all eat that shit up for Zuko, but give Katara a hard time about her own trauma!!! It’s the misogyny and the racism.

Okay, I may write another post about Zuko’s trauma from my lens, because it is done well, and that’s part of why it is talked about, but the other part is it physically hurts white people to care about a brown girl in the way they care about an emo boy. For clarification, I love Zuko, but uh......this is just not it.

Azula!

Finally some good fucking food.

Azula is probably somehow the character who’s trauma is talked about second most and second least. Some people refuse to believe that she has trauma, but the fact of the matter is she grew up in the same environment that Zuko did, however it presented as better. Azula had “friends” and from what we’ve seen, Zuko did not. Azula had the attention of her father, and Zuko did not. Azula was a prodigy, and Zuko was not.

The thing is, Azula is shown to be one of the smartest characters in the show. She was not blind to the abuse that Zuko received, and she grew up listening to and parroting her father who’s only use for her was as a weapon in his favor. She knew that Zuko was being abused, and saw how horrible it was, and started doing everything in her power to be the most spectacular, and Ozai’s favorite, so that what happened to Zuko didn’t happen to her. Did she contribute to the abuse that Zuko received? Yes. Did she care that Zuko was being abused? No.

The thing is, Azula grew up hearing Ozai tell her that she was better than Zuko. Azula grew up knowing that her mother probably didn’t love her. Azula grew up with their uncle favoring Zuko, and not bothering to know her at all. Azula grew up with being told that she was better than Zuko but with clear examples that she was much harder to love than him, so she took the “love” from the person who bothered to show her attention.

To her, Zuko was everything she shouldn’t ever be. Which was why, her mental deterioration sped up when she felt she was being treated like Zuko. If she felt she was being treated like Zuko, she felt that she was being treated without love, and really without Ozai she wouldn’t have had anyone else. She had lost all the important people in her life; or rather they had all turned on her, and it was the last straw. It reinforced her narrative that she was difficult to love, reinforced that Ozai’s love was conditional, and affirmed to the audience that Zuko wasn’t who she wanted to be like.

People kind of readily accept that Azula has a mental illness, and while it is generally accepted that all of the characters aren’t always mentally stable, it isn’t generally accepted that their lack of mental stability, could in fact be a mental illness.

The thing is, like I’ve said before, Azula’s trauma is either talked about a lot or a little, depending on really if people are individually fans of her character. It’s honestly just more of a wlw thing, (i am a wlw!), cause we’re all about those unhinged ladies, so like Azula’s trauma is a weird topic in the way it gets addressed by the fandom.

Ty Lee

People stan The Beach, and people love Ty Lee cause she is cute and feminine. Her character arc is similar in Suki’s in the sense of how it is written and portrayed, but not necessarily in terms of Ty Lee’s actual character development. Ty Lee, like Suki, and like Mai, while being important and influential characters, don’t have a lot of screentime in which we see character development. However, what Ty Lee and Mai have that Suki does not, is The Beach.

The Beach is kind of the first and only time where we see Ty Lee talking about her trauma. In previous episodes she mentions running away, she is seen having insecurity about the Kyoshi Warriors being prettier than them, but in The Beach it is explained. She, like Toph, was scared of not being able to be herself. But in the way of wanting attention. She had six identical sisters, and felt that the only way she could stand out was to run away and join the circus. And she was happy doing that. And then she was forced out of it, but she, like Azula, knew that she would have to remain on the good side of the person in power, which for her, just happened to be Azula.

But the thing is, Ty Lee doesn’t have the intensity that Azula does. She portrays herself as loyal to Azula, yet wishy-washy in terms of her own personal choices, and that works in her favor when she chooses Mai, a choice that stuns all of them. And then, we don’t see her till the end, and by then she feels comfortable enough with who she is that she joins the Kyoshi Warriors who have a uniform that makes them identical.

Ty Lee’s trauma is talked about, though not as much because again, most of it happens on screen, but i haven’t seen people invalidate her trauma, the way it happens with Katara.

Mai

Mai is the only other character who’s trauma is invalidated. The thing is, she does not have the stubbornness of Toph, the femininity of Ty Lee, or the intensity of Azula, so she, like Katara is placed into an other category. She is kind of a wild card, because she is so emotionally closed off, and retains the emo and depressed teenager trope. And again, her arc isn’t given the same weight of the other characters’ so the only time we even learn that her trauma has to do with the fact that her mother was overbearing to protect her father’s political career was in The Beach.

Listen, I do have more to say but if I even attempt to this will become far too long (like it isn’t already), anyways I love my girl Mai and I am sorry to give her the short end of the stick, but if I write about her longer, I will forget my points that I was going to make.

Sokka and Katara.

So, the situation of Katara and Sokka is vastly different than each and every other members of the main cast. Why? Their geography.

Like all the other main members, they were pretty socially isolated, but unlike the others they were completely and totally isolated by geography. Yes, Suki was on Kyoshi Island, but that was more of a strategic isolation to avoid involvement in the war, but the point is, Sokka and Katara are totally isolated, and they probably think they won’t ever leave the south pole.

It’s played off for comedy when Katara introduces Aang to the village and you see how small the village is. From what we know, all the men of the tribe have left, and Hakoda, their father, is the chieftan, so therefore each Katara and Sokka felt they had a role to fill within the social dynamic of all the men leaving, in terms of how to maintain the village dynamic.

Sokka and Katara are by stark difference much older than the children of the village, and in fact in the flashback in the Southern Raiders, they are the only children that are visible. This means that, they have no peers. And the thing is, if you have siblings you do not consider them your peers.

So the roles that they feel they need to fill are much different than that of each others. Sokka feels he needs to fill the role of the men in the village; they are vulnerable without the men, and their only and biggest defense is that they live in the heart of the South Pole, and it is incredibly difficult for Fire Navy ships to navigate within the South Pole. So while there isn’t a likely chance of them being invaded, especially since the genocide of the Southern Waterbenders, there still resides a huge fear within Sokka that he is the last line of defense for his village.

By the way the village reacts when Zuko invades, it is clear that their worst fears have been realized, and all the adults know that Sokka isn’t enough for their defense, and he and Katara know that too. But for Sokka, it is important to be able to protect his village, even if he knows there is no chance of him winning. It’s about proving that he is strong enough to lay down his life for the people he loves, and that is the role he stepped into.

But the fact of the matter was it seemed pointless to step into that role, and for Katara, who tried to fulfill the role of their mother, it seemed like Sokka was avoiding doing chores.

The thing about Katara’s trauma is that it’s a culmination of being a survivor of genocide, loosing her mother, and loosing her father.

Despite the fact that Katara and Sokka are siblings, their traumas are incredibly different and they react in completely different ways.

Sokka is the most emotionally closed off character in the show. How? He is the only character that doesn’t readily give into their emotions. I’m not saying other characters don’t show restraint, but Sokka is the only character who doesn’t readily cry, isn’t ready to get angry, isn’t ready to take up space; at least not in the way it matters. Sokka is grumpy, and silly, and easily annoyed, but those are much more surface level emotions, and that goes back to not having any peers while trying to be the protector of the village.

Whereas, Katara is the most emotional character on the show. She is angry, rude, mean, happy, shallow, sensitive, kind, determined, stubborn, and snooty. And in the sense of, every emotion Katara ever feels she feels with every fiber of her being. Katara often moves when she talks, and in times of heightened emotions, before she becomes a master waterbender, all the water in her vicinity would react to her, heightening how much she feels.

It makes people uncomfortable to see a brown girl on screen who is angry. And the thing is, Katara and Sokka, and the Water Tribe members are the only characters in atla that unambiguously look like people of color (except for guru pathik but we’re not gonna touch that.) Despite the fact that every single character in atla is a person of color, only members of the Water Tribes are the characters that are unambiguously people of color. Every other character, in comparison are incredibly lighter.

But the thing is people forget the difference between Sokka and Katara. Katara has trauma surrounded her heritage of being a Southern Waterbender, a trauma that nobody else in her village shares. Not only is she the only waterbender in the South Pole, her status as waterbender is a symbol of hope among her people, and among herself. So not only is Katara trying to fill the role of her mother, dealing with being a survivor of genocide, but her ability is also seen as a symbol of hope for her people, and is also something that she knows will likely result in her being captured by the Fire Nation. So not only is it something that inspires hope, but it is also something that need to be kept a secret, and that is a lot to pin on a fourteen year old girl.

I should just say that I am not saying any one of these characters has more trauma than the other, and in no way am I comparing their trauma to each others. That is not productive, and is not the point. I am saying that Katara’s trauma about her mother is not as flat as white people make it out to be, but even if it was, there would be no excuse to criminalize her for expressing the fact that her mother was killed violently in a war that lasted for 100 years. Just shut up! If you think Katara expressing herself is annoying, shut up! She’s a 14 year old brown girl with trauma, and the way she is the one who is annoying is so transparent!

#katara #sokka #toph beifong #zuko #azula #mai #ty lee #aang #suki #atla #atla meta #i know this is long but im tired im mad and like i need to yell about it

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