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tilbageidanmark · 1 month

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Movies I watched this week (#167)

(I've gone overboard again this week!)...

🍿

'A spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of communism...'

The Young Karl Marx is my second film by Haitian Raoul Peck (After his 4-part documentary about colonialism 'Exterminate all the Brutes'). An historical German biography about the birth of the labor movement, with lengthy discussions of the political theories of the time. It's so refreshing to experience an unapologetic look at the revolutionary ideology of class struggle, improving and uniting the impoverished workers and taking down the exploiting bourgeoisie. Vicky Krieps is lovely as Marx's sexy and supportive wife. 7/10.

🍿

Chan is missing, my 3rd by indie filmmaker Wayne Wang (After 'Smoke' and 'The Joy Luck Club'). Made for $20,000, this detective story was his solo directorial debut, and the first 'important' film about "ABC"s ('American Born Chinese') and other Asians living in Chinatown. I lived in San Francisco in the later 80s, and this brings back very fond memories to a long-forgotten time.

🍿

2 by Tricia Cooke:

🍿 Tricia Cooke is an editor, who worked on many of the Coen Brothers' films (together with "Roderick Jaynes"). She's also been married to Ethan Coen for 30 years (in an open, "non-traditional" marriage, according to Wikipedia).

Drive away dolls, the new comedy was written by her and husband Ethan, but without brother Joel. It's a "Lesbian road trip", in the raunchy tradition of 'Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!' and 'Bad Girls Go to Hell'. Andie MacDowell's foxy daughter is a free-spirit just looking for uncommitted, good time, but eventually falls in love with her girlfriend Marian. The romantic scene when it finally happens plays well to Linda Ronstadt's Blue Bayou background (but then, anything would!). The first 10 minutes were a bit confusing, but once they started driving, it got funnier (especially with the UNG soccer team 'basement party', and the Big Lebowski-style dream sequence). With time, it will earn its higher place at the Coen cultish pantheon.

"Who are you?"... "Democrats"...

🍿 Eve, (2008) an unexpectedly poignant story, Natalie Portman's directorial debut. A young woman visit her very old grandmother Lauren Bacall, only to intrude on her romantic dinner with very old beau Ben Gazzara. With score by Sufjan Stevens. 7/10.

/ Female Director

🍿

"...I'll see you in my dreams..."

First watch: First season of Twin Peaks. I've seen 4 of David Lynch's surreal films before ['Blue Velvet', 'The Elephant Man', 'Wild at Heart' and 'Mulholland Drive'] and none of these made me a fan. But I like to keep an open mind, so I gave this, his most popular work, a try. However, like many old classics you see for the first time many years after their production date, its charms were completely lost on me. I can see what a radical breakthrough it was for network television in 1990, but today it feels like the antics of a straight-forward Soap Opera with an added, pretentious 'quirk' to every move and character. The coffee fetishism, the dancing midgets and log ladies, the absurd police procedural, the eclectic twists and supernatural dreams. With every episode I hated it more. The mystery of who killed whom, or the obviousness of everybody sleeping with everybody else, were utterly uninteresting. I really wanted to like it, but after 6 arduous episodes, I had to just admit that it's not for me. 2/10.

But I always loved Angelo Badalamenti's theme, and I often listen to it on loop.

🍿

"I feel so low that I could get on stilts and walk under a dachshund"

It (1927), my first silent film with the original 'Manic Pixie Dream Girl', Clara Bow. "It" being basically sex appeal. Pre-Code, sassy and cheesy. This version is 'Colorized'.

🍿

"You notice things when you pay attention", and “We won’t be like them”.

Another frequent re-watch of my most cherished romance film, In the Mood for Love, with incomparable couple Maggie Cheung and Tony Leung. Her sad beauty, in these exquisite high-collar Qipao, and unrequited longings, are etched on my heart. With 2 different musical themes, the famous 'Yumeji's waltz', and the Nat 'King' Cole Spanish Boleros: I want to find an analysis of when and why each one was used. The 3rd act was unbearably sad. And what is exactly the meaning of the Cambodian coda? 10/10. ♻️

🍿

4 Winning and Nominated Shorts from Last Night's Oscars (plus 11 more):

🍿 The Last Repair Shop - deservedly - won the Oscar for Best Documentary Short this year. (Video Above). A quiet story about a shop that maintains and repairs the 80,000 musical instruments used by students of the Los Angeles school district. It's about mending broken things so they can be whole again, performed by people who were also broken, but are now whole.

Similar and even better than the 2017 Oscar nominee Joe's Violin. One of the best films I've seen so far this year! 10/10.

🍿 The previous short directed by Ben Proudfoot and Kris Bowers was the wonderful A Concerto Is a Conversation, about jazz pianist Kris Bowers' relationship with his grandfather. Nominated in 2021. 9/10.

🍿 The Queen of Basketball was another Ben Proudfoot short which won an Oscar in 2021. Their trade in stock is a well-told emotional human interest angle. This one is about a black woman who was college basketball superstar in the 1970's. Heart-warming.

🍿 Proudfoot's 2021 Almost Famous: The First Report told the story of a Louisiana reporter who broke the story of the Catholic church sex abuse scandal, but who did it in the 1980's. He was too early, and eventually got a mention in 'Spotlight'.

🍿 War Is Over! Inspired by the Music of John and Yoko, a lovely alternate World War One animated short about two soldiers from the opposite sides playing long distance chess with the help of a carrier pigeon. Won this year’s animated short.

Also, Dave Mullins previous story, Lou (2017), another Oscar nominated Pixar pre-feature item. It's about an anthropomorphic Lost & Found Chest, at a school yard identical to the one Adora used to go to her first 6 years. 7/10 and better than many of the later Pixar shorts.

🍿 The ABCs of Book Banning was nominated in 2023, but did not win. It features intelligent kids of 7-15 questioning the mass removal of books from schools and libraries, mostly about race, women and LGBT topics. Knowledge is power and the American Nazis who ban books have their eyes on much bigger prizes.

/ Female Director

🍿Island in Between, another terrific nominee from this year, about the Taiwanese islands of Kinmen. Made by a Taiwanese filmmaker, who reflects on his family relationship to china, Taiwan and the USA. Got me to listen to the songs of Teresa Teng again.

🍿3 by Jay Rosenblatt: "What do you want to do when you grow up? What are you afraid of? What is power? What are dreams? What is most important to you?" Nominated for the 2022 Oscars, How Do You Measure a Year? hit me very hard. New father Jay Rosenblatt started recording his daughter on her 2nd birthday, asking her about her life, and continued doing it every birthday until she was 18. My Adora Project didn't end so positively. Another 💯 score on Rotten Tomatoes. 10/10.

🍿 In Jay Rosenblatt's 1998 Human Remains, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Franco and Mao share details about their intimate lives, what they like to eat and drink, their sexual preferences and bowel movements, likes and dislikes. Personally banal.

🍿 When We Were Bullies, a third reenactment by documentarian Jay Rosebnblatt, about a personal incident from his elementary school days, when he and others bullied a classmate. It gives some unpleasant ‘This American life’ vibes, but ends tenderly with a simple “I’m sorry”.

🍿 The Elephant Whisperers won the 2022 Documentary short with 💯 score on Rotten Tomatoes. An Indian 'Animal Planet' style story about an indigenous couple, caretakers of baby elephants at a large national park and elephant reserve. I wish it was me.

A couple of hundred years ago, most of the world was the space where animals lived, tigers, elephants, birds, monkeys. Then humans killed them all and took their place.

/ Female Director

🍿 The girl and the tsunami is an Argentinian animation about a 12-year-old Chilean girl who saved her island community in the 2010 tsunami.

🍿 Snif & Snüf, a little geometrical animation, by a guy who worked on 'Bojack Horseman'. It's a similar concept to Břetislav Pojar's Czeck award-winning Balablok from 1972, where squares and circles fight to the death.

🍿

Jim Jarmusch/Tom Waits/Rosie Perez X 2:

🍿 "Tasty Porcinis..."

Re-watch: The Dead Don't Die, his slow, absurdist apocalyptic comedy about flesh eatin' Coffee Zombies. Full of meta-connections and allusions to a cinematic universe: Sam Fuller, Cliff Robertson, Patterson, George Romero, and breaking the fourth wall ("Jim gave me the whole script!")

An ensemble piece with a special 'Thank you': 'Would anyone object if I gave credit to Atilla Yücer?' Such a Jarmusch thing to do! ♻️

🍿 Night on Earth (1991) is an anthology about 5 unrelated taxi drivers in 5 different cities, and the clients they pick on the same night. I found it irritating, and the rides in Los Angeles, New York, Paris and Roma couldn't end fast enough. But the last story which took place in Helsinki, as the morning was about to break, was sad and powerful. Jarmusch was a friend of Aki Kaurismäki, and this influence might have helped.

🍿

Craig Ferguson X 2:

🍿 “Congratulations, Mr. Stuart. You are tonight’s lucky Scotsman.”

Saving Grace, an well-written, well-played and funny stoner comedy, about middle aged widow Brenda Blethyn whose irresponsible husband left her in an enormous debt, forcing her to grow marijuana in her greenhouse along with her pot-loving gardener Craig Ferguson to avoid losing her large country house in Cornwall. 7/10.

🍿 I’ll be there (2003) was the only film Ferguson's wrote and directed (and rather competently). A sentimental but enjoyable story of an aging has-been rock star who discovers that brilliant teenage singer Charlotte Church is a daughter he didn't know he had. A different slant on my favorite theme from 'After the Wedding'. It ends with a perfect 'Happy End' when she sings 'Summertime' on a stage, whose lyrics sums up very nicely the whole movie.

🍿

I watched Larry David's Clear history last week, but I felt like laughing at it again. David is such an unbearable asshole, but it was a solid comedy. Now I'm considering seeing 'The Fountainhead' with Gary Cooper, which is mentioned as part of the joke.♻️

🍿

"Those aren't pillows!..."

After seeing again the "I want a fucking car" clip, a re-watch: Planes, Trains and Automobiles, the classic Thanksgiving dramedy with the classic 'Odd couple' plot. ♻️

🍿

René Laloux, who directed the amazing 'La Planète sauvage', followed it up with another psychedelic, experimental movie. Together with bandes dessinées artist Moebius, they did Time Masters in 1982. I had a very hard time with this worthless science fiction story. Except of a few sparks of visual poetry here and there, it was more like a terrible, boring 'Time Wasters'. 1/10.

🍿

I watched the super-light French comedy My Best Friend's Girl from 1983, but only because it features a young Isabelle Huppert. She plays a sexy, promiscuous temptress, who seduces 2 best friends at a ski-resort, so much so, that they both go crazy over her. Nothing wrong with some frothy ménage à trois, as she was glamorously prancing in revealing negligees for most of the time, but this was terribly-written and unwatchably juvenile. 1/10.

At least, I discovered this recording of Nirvana's 'My best Friend's Girl'.

🍿

Throw-back to the "Art project”:

“War is Over” Adora.

🍿

(My complete movie list is here)

#movies #the last repair shop #oscars

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absolutebl · 2 years

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Zettai BL S2 is coming in soon, and I still haven't managed to even dare starting S1 in grounds of the bad hair. T_T But I also don't want to prematurely jump into it for risks of ruining it. (As I know what it did to Seven Days for me very much.)

Do you have maybe a list of top 15 titles with bad hair to grind through for getting some immunity, but which are also safe to watch?

Safe as in they aren't all that brilliant (so not much to be ruined), but also aren't terrible titles. (I don't even mind dark per se, but I dislike deus ex machina for the sake of nonsensical enforcement of plot points.) Since most of the bad hair coming from earlier shows also means treading into that minefield of old. (Something like Boy's Love certainly has pretty bad hair to serve the training purpose, but I've already read the manga of that one and definitely can do without a repeat of it...)

OOOO, what a question. Because this requires early Japanese BL and that is a minefield. So I'm going to branch out a little bit, and also not sure I can come up with 15. But here we go...

10 BLs to Watch to Get used to Japan’s Penchant for TERRIBLE Hair

(that aren't too dark or depressing, but also, some of these are just... not very good either)

In order of WORST HAIR, starting with the worst at the top, so you might want to watch in reverse order?

1. Seven Days

Hair rating: I cried at the hairdressers

What, a list of Japanese BL from me without this one at the top? You doubted me. Anyway, one of my favorite BLs of all time. And the only one from Japan I’ve given a 10/10. And yes, TERRIBLE HAIR. Truly, awful. Still one of the best live action yaois ever made, with perfectly structured angst, fantastic characters and acting, and no problematic tropes (rare in Japanese BL). The leads have excellent chemistry although it’s low heat there’s still some really cute mutual kisses.

2. Takumi-kun series

Hair rating: I instantly shaved it off

Series features all the problematic tropes and watches almost exactly like yaoi reads, the leads do have good chemistry, though. Includes incest, abuse, dub-con, and obsession and absolutely awful hair.

3. Docchi Mo Docchi AKA Same Difference

Hair rating: I wore a hat for a month

What to say about this one? The hair is bad. And the show? Well, it’s not as good as it should be, squandering great chemistry, good acting chops, the perfect rivals to lovers concept, and one of the best office set BL yaois ever written. I don’t know why it failed so far when it had such a good foundation, but it was made all over bromance and boring.

4. Life: Love on the Line AKA Life Senjou no Bokura

Hair rating: I use a lot of gel every morning

Mostly just the uke character, but his hair is bad. He’s manic pixie dream gay and so is his hair. Actually this is a good BL, if a bit adult and gut wrenching at times. Goes through young love, break up, and reunion. But it all really a saga of self acceptance. You want the director’s cut.

5. Love Stage!! AKA Rabu Suteiji

Hair rating: I just restyled it and never went back

It’s just not good. It could have been great if they had stuck to the crossdressing of the original manga and if the pair had any kind of chemistry. The hair, like the show, isn’t egregious it’s just stupid.

6. Ossan's Love

Hair rating: I learned how to use a dryer to compensate

Eh.

Just, eh.

7. Silhouette of Your Voice AKA Hidamari ga Kikoeru

Hair rating: Eh, it’ll grow out

This is not a terrible as either a show or hair, but it’s not good either. It’s certainly not as good as any of us wanted given how wonderful the original manga is. Also it doesn’t really end happily, nor is it honestly BL.

8. Utsukushii Kare AKA My Beautiful Man

Hair rating: I was going through a phase

If something is going to turn you off of this BL it certainly isn’t the hair. It was exactly as weird and as messed up as any 2000′s yaoi: emo af and hella warped, entirely true to itself with no attempt made to modify its POV for modern sensibilities or current BL fandom. It didn’t pander to us in anyway, and I fucking loved it for that. This is not just live action yaoi in its purest form, it’s Japanese cinema, uncompromising. But the hair was actually okay for the characters.

9. Given

Hair rating: I was trying to look younger than I am

Boy joins band, falls in love with other boy. The hair is a bit fluffy but fine but the singing is terrible, fast forward through that. With the possible exception of the hair styles, this BL could have been made in 2015 and no one would be surprised. As such, it wasn’t ground breaking, but it didn’t disappoint either.

10. Cherry Magic AKA 30 Years of Virginity Can Make You a Wizard

Hair rating: I just tried a little too hard and it was a little too dated

The sweetest fluffiest magical realism BL, packaged as a pinning office romance, very low heat (practically chaste) but the cutest. Hair gets crazy on occasion but whatever, you’ll stop seeing it after the first episode.

Zettai BL ni Naru Sekai VS Zettai BL ni Naritakunai Otoko AKA Absolute BL AKA A Man Who Defies The World of BL

It’s pretty far down on the list because the hair could, quite frankly be a lot worse. I would put it in at about level 5 - just restyle it and never go back. But remember, the point is that this show is intentionally making fun of stuff like this.

If you want something *interesting* to watch that’s rarely discussed and no one has really seen, try 2015′s Wait For Me at Udagawachou AKA Udagawachou de Matteteyo. It’s odd, but fascinating as a piece of BL history, although not BL. It’s about a boy who falls in love (fetish?) with another boy BECAUSE that boy is a crossdresser (possibly trans). Ultimately I think it is not successful, but it is worth watching and the hair is BAD.

Bonus?

Epic origin Kdrama de jour... Heirs. The hair is SO AWFUL. Go on, you know you want to.

Honorable mention to the weird hair sticky-upy bit they insisted on portraying from the graphic novel (I assume) for Shao Fei in HIStory 3: Trapped. Poor Jake.

(source)

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andiitom · 2 years

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tho you a new writer in the twst famdom do u have any relastioship hottakes or any hot takes in gen?? 😳

Yes I do bestie 💙

There is no proofreading i wrote this while otp with sister.

Tbh realistically no I don't think any of them besides Trey, Deuce and Jack are the best for relationships.

*will edit this at a later date*

THESE ARE MY HOT TAKES BLOCK ME IF YOU DON’T LIKE THEM.

(Magior editing)

Riddle

He means well but he's always got something to say and he'll have an opinion on anything that's not up to his standards. Yes he said he'll stop being stingy on the rules but you can't just forget how you was raised so it’s going to take awhile for him to get out that mindset.

You also have to deal with an overbearing mother in law and I'm like 39% sure in one of is event card he said something abt bein in an arranged marriage(dm me if i’m wrong cuz i might be wrong)even so you just gon be the other person cuz his mom defo not ending it cuz he met some some random hussy that’s supposedly from another world.

Trey

You'll probably be second in his life like he seems very family oriented and would drop anything for his family.

He's 100% will be running the bakery so yous probably have to put in some work at the bakery if you want things to last.

Carter

Man is always on his phone. He's gon have impossible beauty standards for his partner.

He's always online so if you dont want your pictures online he 1) either deletes all the pictures of you off his page and then other bitches in his dm wanting to link cuz they think yall broke up or 2) he doesnt post you and everyone thinks he’s single and he got hoes in his dms wanting to link.

Deuce

Based on the Deuce you are going for bad boy deuce or good boy deuce.

If bad boy Deuce… he was the leader of a gang so if you down for that life baby better have them hands.

but somewhere down the line he gon probably ghost you when he go to nrc.

Though if you going after good boy Deuce you probably gonna haft to initiate some of the romance cuz while you wondering why he hasnt replied to your text from 3 hrs ago he over here trying to spell gorgus.

Ace

BRO IT’S IN CANNON HE GHOSTED HIS GIRLFRIEND CUZ SHE WAS BORING..

So besties if you aint some manic pixie dream girl/boy/person you aint worth a damn to him, you just gon be his booty call sorry it’s the truth.

Even if you start dating you gon have to deal wif his gf(he didn’t have the balls to break up with the poor girl) and his old friends cuz they gon have some questions.

Leona

Do you really want that can of worms? You just with him cuz he’s a catboy or because he’s royalty. I’m like 30% sure he also said his brother is trying to set him up with someone so like riddle you gon be the side piece.

I know some yall think you gonna be the one to claim the throne cuz plot reasons he said he’s not well like in the royal court. So for you bestie to come in try to fix almost 20 years of damge.

Yall think he some alpha but if Ruggie 17 year old has to make sure Leona a 20 year old grade repeater eats, has clean clothes and hair his brushed bestie thats some REAL BETA MALE BEHAVIOR

Ruggie

I can tell some yall never watched NatGeo documentary you aint gon be the housespouce he is.

He’s wearing the pearls and heels you wearing the suit n’ tie, and with that HE A GOLDIGGER he aint messing wif a broke bitch as soon that bank account gets into the red he gone!

But if he do stay with you he just gon financially abuse you.

Jack

He’s the goodest boy if you into working out, cold weather and large families you good.

but if you don’t you might just want to call it quits cuz he's going to want at least 3 kids bio or not.

He also would want a parner to workout with. He’s also hard headed so he’s gonna mention wanting to work out or the topic of kids a lot and that's gon lead to a blowout fight.

Azul

He’s got a victim complex and you gon have to be the mentally sound one in this relationship.

You also have to be a long distance cuz you gon have to drink a transformation potion daily or a water breathing potion cuz he is not doing that.

The relationship will be 100% contractinal and when you lose your usefulness he dropping you.

Jade

Same situation as Azul. He can also be violent, he also has his UM and can have you confess your deepest darkest secret and black mail you with that.

We don’t get a lot on him and Flyod’s parents but from what we do get they sound dangerous and if he wants you gone he just gotta make a couple calls.

Floyd

He’s the poster child for ‘dead: do not eat’. Like the prior two he’ll drop you, like what Woody thought Andy would do to him with Buzz around.

He also violent and will put his hands on you, none that “I can change him” bullshit you will come out that relationship(if you do) with cuts and bruises.

It's giving 'if I can't have no one can'

Kalim

You wildn if you think he not already engaged.

You also gota fight for your life cuz if the favorite or main bitch the others gon be jealous and to get rid of you, you better come with those hands.

Like I said none you(even me 🥲) are the one just cuz he’s nice to doesnt mean he like you.

Jamil

You gon have to be his ride or die

if does that travling like he said he’ll do when he graduates you gon have to go with him or wait for him.

If he dont do that travling... hope you like working cuz that’s watchu gon be doing..

Aint no big family confrontation dont embarrass yourself and get to work.

Vil

Don’t do that to yourself bestie..

I can’t speak from experience but from what I hear having no social presence at all and dating a celebrity is not easy.

Like Riddle he’s even more critical of what you wear/eat.

just because he say he loves you no matter what you look like(from experience them the type of dudes to cheat with type bitch he say he dont like)

he’s subuly trying to change you.

Rook

Why?

He radiates “where my hug at?” energy

proceed with caution. Homie liyin to yo ass on the daily he’s they type to tell you stop snooping if you suspect he cheating but if he gets the inkling you seein someone on the side ‘you the lyin ass hoe’ even if you aint.

Dont be surprised to if you find pics or vids of you on some weird website we seen that corner in his dorm room and don forget them thicc ass picture album he just of Neige.

Eple

Sorry but how he acts throught the story is giving deep south backcountry.

That little talk with Deuce during chap 5 and worth a damn in the long run he just learned to hide his toxicity behind his cuteness.

You will be the monster of every situation even if you move to the city which is most likely not gon happen.

He’s the type to leave you while making dinner cuz his grandma said she making his favorite.

Idia

Yall can’t fight me on this Idia’s an incel if he not on his games or with Ortho he on them forums talking about his ‘nagging bitch s/o’.

He’s more like a child than a partner idia is what an ipad kid is when they grow up sorry not sorry.

He comparing you to his loli waifu.

i dont want to hear none that ‘I can change him’ no we cannot sit your ass down.

(the diasomnia group and staff are hard to write cuz their limited screen time my edit this sometime after chap 7)

Malleus

Part of the “you crazy if you don’t think he is already engaged” club even if he aint you buggin if you think yous gonna be accepted into fae culture like that..

It's cannon he gets angry really fast so you walking on eggshells.

He will alienate you from everyone.

You gotta learn the history of the valley of thorns and the different fae’s etiquette.

If you two have kids you gotta be careful cuz they just might end up like Sebek’s dog ass.

and unless it’s confermed otherwise and you are able to have kids laying an egg doesent sound as fun as it does on paper.

Lila

Bro I know he into some weird shit hope you ready to be bound and gagged from the ceiling while molten gold is being poured onto you.

Also just remember you just a blip in his memory even if you do have kids he and them will slowly forget you, you aint his ‘only true love’.

Silver

You taking care of him more than he is taking care of you.

When he not asleep he working as Malleus knight.

Sebek

The man that needs no introduction.

You at least eighth best in his book, nowhere near the level of Malleus, Lila, his mom, late-grandpa, siblings and (maybe) his dad.

He also a raging rasist and he wants to keep that bloodline pure and if you want that bestie all to you but I am judging you.

Crowley

He the type to go on a ‘business trip’ with that work friend he told you not to worry about.

Which is funny as hell the relationship you have wif him is cuz you was using him cheat on your ex and now he cheatin on you.. take that L cuz that's on you.

Crewel

Yall either fucking for passion or fucking for pleasure aint no in between.

It’s giving you was one of his students then you graduate then got married not long after.

Trein

AYO!? You that down bad?

Either way his kids hate you cuz you either younger than them by a scary amount or you have 3 year age gap with them.

Vargas

Ion see shit for him but bestie he’s the one that got you bricked up?

He embodies men with a podcast.

He’ll tell you straight up your fat and don’t get mad cuz he’ll do it again.

Sam

Ion see that much shit for him either but it’s the right choice, I love you and do you want to be friends?

There's nothing wrong with him but break up with him and he'll askin his friends to make yo life hell.

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orionlakehastodie · 2 years

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I Apologize To The Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Here's the person I am after rewatching 500 Days of Summer.

I've been through university, and medical school, and I am now an overworked and underpaid doctor - like most people.

I've also been genuinely and truly in love.

I think I watched 500 Days of Summer the first time as a thirteen year old kid in my sophomore year of high school (yes, I skipped grades) and my idea of love was Edward and Bella in Twilight.

I never related well with Summer because I thought she was mean, and used Tom and did not understand why she shouldn't have been in love with Tom. She was the evil manic pixie dream girl that indie arthouse films were peddling and throughout my teenaged life - I carried that hatred of the manic pixie dream girl (together with a love of Hall and Oates and The Smiths - the soundtrack of 500 Days of Summer is unparalleled). I always thought that Summer was horrible creature for leading Tom on.

Fast forward to 2022.

I'm planning a trip to LA this summer and I just wanted to watch films based in LA to get hyped.

And I thought, why not rewatch 500 Days of Summer and the nostalgia it carries. I haven't seen the film since 2009 and I still had the notion that Summer was evil.

But surprisingly, I related a lot to Summer and what she did, and why she ended up with someone else. Even more surprising is the fact that I relate to her not because I knew what it was like to be Summer, but rather I knew what it was like to be Tom.

In my sophomore year of medical school - I know, I know it seems like the meant to be thing they discussed in the movie - I fell in love for the first time in my life.

I had crushes before and I dated people before but I was never really head over heels, he is the one.

Until Jim. Jim was my Summer. He was of average height, average built, average shoe size - he was just another man. But there was something about him. It was the way he asked me out for lunch the first day we became partners. It was the way he asked me to stay back so we can study together. It was the way my heart stopped when he texted me the first Saturday of our posting.

It was the way we studied together for exams.

It was the way he laughed when I told a funny story.

It was the way he felt like... I wasn't alone anymore, that I finally had someone who was mine and I don't know why I'm crying as I write this - because the whole point of the story is that because I had a Summer in my life - I understand her and why she did what she did.

I understand that like Summer, Jim liked me as a friend. Jim enjoyed spending time with me. Jim thought of me as a friend. Jim had made it explicitly clear that he did not like me, and that he was not looking for a relationship and that he just wanted to be friends.

That powerful moment where Summer says "I never shared that with anyone before"? I had that too.

But like Tom, I kept asking for more, I kept insisting for something more. I also interpreted the simple fact that just because Jim/Summer trusted me/Tom enough to open up about their lives meant they viewed us as something romantic.

But that is the lie the world has sold us, and it's the lie that 500 Days of Summer is trying to circumvent - trusting someone, and genuinely wishing for them to be happy - may not be romantic but it doesn't make it any less powerful. Because of Tom, something in Summer - that part of her that numbed itself to avoid getting hurt when she lost things she loves - healed. When she met her husband she said Tom was right. And that's a beautiful thing, that Tom had taught her, a beautiful thing Tom gave her.

But because the world taught him it has to be romantic or it doesn't count - Tom doesn't appreciate that what he and Summer had was a very beautiful friendship

But I guess in a way I understand Tom as well.

It's a very powerful thing, to believe in the one and you wait your entire life and finally they walk in your life and suddenly... magic. It's a feeling I will treasure for the rest of my life. It's a phase of my life that changed me, really changed me and shook up the world as I know it.

Many people go through life without ever really being in love with someone else and I just feel grateful to have had the experience.

And I think at the end, even though I might want to say that if only I/Tom let go of our hurts and understood Jim/Summer - we would have stayed friends, the truth is, you will hurt until you don't. And you will be angry until you aren't. And you will lose the person you once held dearest to your heart.

One day the person you text every single thing to, the person you loved above all else - will be a contact on your phone you message once in a while - like when you watch 500 Days of Summer and you want to apologize to them for everything you have done

We might not always be the one for those who are the one for us. But it doesn't mean that they don't matter. But it also doesn't mean that we should do as Tom did and see only what we want to see - the good, the signs the thing that makes us go - I don't understand why it wasn't me.

Because the signs will always be there, we have just been ignoring it. So let them go, and I truly apologize to the manic pixie dream girl - it was not your fault

#500 days of summer #manic pixie dream girl

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poorlittleyaoyao · 2 years

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Very much looking forward to listening to your playlist! What Bollywood movies would you recommend to someone who enjoys The Untamed?

Anon, I have been contemplating this ask for several days, because the answer to this depends on what aspects of The Untamed you vibe with. Here are some of my favorite Hindi films broken down by what I like!

Best overall rec: Om Shanti Om

If you want happy, character-driven romance: Jab We Met

If you want historical spectacle and a slow burn: Jodhaa-Akbar

If you want friendship , coming of age, and for someone to rip your heart out and stomp on it: Rang De Basanti

If you want revenge and fucked-up tragedy: Haider

If you want tragic romance: Ram-Leela

More detailed information on each one under the cut below!

Obligatory clarification: "Bollywood" refers specifically to the mainstream Hindi film industry based in Mumbai. India has multiple other film industries in other regions and languages, particularly in the south. (Baahubali, for example, was originally in Tamil and Telugu, and so it's Indian but not "Bollywood.") There's also "parallel cinema," which is the artsy/independent film industry (though the lines are a bit more blurred nowadays), and can be in any language.

Best Recommendation: Om Shanti Om

OSO is the film I show people who've never seen a Bollywood film before, and everyone--from my fellow adult friends to my 11-year-old students who saw one clip and then looked it up on Netflix on their own--has loved it. Since it invokes so many filmi tropes, it's accessible to newcomers, and gets better the more films you see. The first half, set in the 1970s, follows a struggling actor smitten with a starlet, both of whom are murdered at the intermission! The second half picks up 30 years later, as our reincarnated hero (now a successful actor thanks to being reborn into an industry family) regains the memories of his past life and vows to avenge his and his beloved's deaths. Like The Untamed, OSO does a fantastic job of balancing wacky hijinks with pathos, and you get sucked right in to the stylized melodrama. They also both have great casts who seem to have been having a blast filming it! (Word of warning: if this is your first Bollywood movie, you can go ahead and fast-forward through the song "Deewangi Deewangi," which is like 8 minutes of celebrity cameos and not as fun if you don't know who they are.)

If you want happy, character-driven romance: Jab We Met

Jab We Met is one of the only romantic comedies that warms my cold, shriveled heart, and it's purely because it centers characterization rather than following a script. Corporate sadboy Aditya hops a train in a depressive fugue and meets the relentlessly cheerful Geet. In befriending Geet, Aditya starts to work on himself and process his own emotions. He also develops romantic feelings for Geet, but respects that Geet is already in love with someone else. However, when Geet experiences emotional devastation of her own, it's Aditya's turn to help her learn and grow. Geet and Aditya avoid the icky "manic pixie dream girl fixes emotionally stifled man" BS because they both have rich interiority and help each other. They're also a great example of what friends-to-lovers should be: Aditya values Geet as a friend first and foremost, and the "lovers" part isn't treated as an Obviously Better inevitable next step. It's cute! It also has a Very Wangxian Love Song.

If you want historical spectacle and a slow burn: Jodhaa-Akbar

This film centers on the journey of Rajput princess Jodhaa and Mughal emperor Jalaluddin Mohammad Akbar on their journey from arranged marriage to friends to lovers, with a lot of politics and religious tensions on the way. Things you can look forward to in this four-hour film include, but are not limited to:

Beautiful costumes and sets

Sexual tension sword fighting

Women having agency over their own bodies (even though this is a period piece!)

Aishwarya Rai Bachchan being a boss

Hrithik Roshan somehow making that mustache work

The female gaze

This one musical cue that singlehandedly destroys the dramatic tension on three separate occasions

SIBLINGS!!

A surprising number of elephants

If you want friendship and coming of age (but also want something to rip out your heart and stomp on it): Rang De Basanti

Rang De Basanti is like a Les Mis modern AU about the student revolutionaries, but set in India and actually good. A young British woman sets out to make a docudrama about the young anticolonialist revolutionaries of the 1930s and casts a group of college friends to play the roles. Since the guys are all jaded millennials who've written off the country the revolutionaries fought to liberate as Irreparably Fucked, they struggle to connect with the historical figures... until a tragedy yanks them violently into political action. I love, love, love every single relationship in this movie, and every single character has their own little arc going. While this is a more grounded film than some others on this list, it allows its characters a degree of emotional expression and vulnerability that Hollywood shies away from (especially for men) but which The Untamed and other Cdramas embrace. You will learn about anticolonial history and the power of friendship! You will also cry a lot! (cw: realistic depictions of gun violence, prison torture, and blood)

If you want revenge and fucked-up tragedy: Haider

Haider is an adaptation of Hamlet set in mid-1990s Kashmir. It is also my favorite adaptation of Hamlet by a SUBSTANTIAL margin, as it beautifully weaves the themes, basic plot, and characters of Hamlet into the upsetting political context of the insurgence in Jammu and Kashmir. The inciting incident of Hamlet (Hamlet meeting his father's ghost and learning of his murder) doesn't occur until halfway into Haider, as the first half is spent establishing the character relationships after Haider's father is arrested by the govenrnment and vanishes in jail. The added character development for Gertrude, Claudius, and Ophelia/Horatio (who are merged into one character here) mean that the inevitable destructive conclusion to Haider's vengeance REALLY HURTS because I feel awful for everyone involved, which is also how I feel about Guanyin Temple. (cw: realistic depictions of suicide, gun violence, dead bodies, and gore)

If you want tragic romance: Ram-Leela

Ram-Leela is an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet, so that should tell you how this one ends. As with Haider, this film makes several changes from its Shakespearean source material, the biggest ones being:

Mercutio and Benvolio are gone, so unlike Romeo, Ram has zero support network.

Both Capulet parents have been merged into Leela's mother Dhankor Baa, who is TERRIFYING.

THEY ACTUALLY DO RUN AWAY AFTER RAM IS BANISHED, addressing one of THEE most frustrating things in the play!

More female characters (!!!), thanks in part to elements of West Side Story creeping into the play.

Honestly, the entire second half is an AU fanfic, largely for the better even though it goes off the rails during the last 45 minutes.

Though there are some issues with structure and pacing, as is the case for most of Sanjay Leela Bhansali's work, Ram-Leela is GORGEOUS stylized spectacle and its soundtrack slaps. It matches the tone of The Untamed's more dramatic segments, and lets characters' emotions and responses be BIG. (cw: depictions of suicide, gun violence, attempted sexual assault, and blood)

#now you too can join me in going WELL ACTUALLY when people call Bride and Prejudice a 'Bollywood movie'#it's definitely in the early 2000s mainstream Bollywood STYLE but it's in English and made by American and British studios

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bamfdaddio · 2 years

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X-Men Abridged: Wolverine - 1982

The X-Men, those weeaboo mutants that have sworn to protect a world that hates and fears them, are a cultural juggernaut with a long, tangled history. Want to unravel this tapestry? Then read the Abridged X-Men!

(Wolverine 1 - 4) - by Chris Claremont and Frank Miller

Sure, you’ve gotten drunk, but have you ever gotten ‘beating up sumo wrestlers for a lark’-drunk? (Wolverine 3)

I’m not the biggest Wolverine-fan, mostly because I tend to remember the oversaturation-decade where he was starring in everything and his personality varied to suit whatever title he was in at the moment. For example, headmaster Wolverine who did everything for the children (in Wolverine and the X-Men) coexisted with the cutthroat, kill-or-be-killed Wolverine from Rick Remender’s run of Uncanny X-Force. Overexposure and nebulous characterization do not a favorite make.

So I didn’t have high expectations for this limited miniseries, even though Wolverine is the first X-Man to gain his own solo title. But I was delightfully wrong. This small run is a very different beastie from the main X-title and a very solid exploration of the character of Wolverine. The difference is already highlighted in Frank Miller’s art, which is moodier and more subdued than, for example, Cockrum or Byrne. It’s a lot more stylistic than the usual superhero art, more daring in paneling, line art and perspective.

I’m so fucking impressed with how beautiful and utterly real Mariko looks here. Bless. (Wolverine 1)

So, what’s this all about? In essence, it’s about two women: Mariko and Yukio.

Mariko is Wolverine’s (ex?) girlfriend who has stopped answering Logan’s letters. He travels to Tokyo to find out why. Upon arrival, Asano, one of Wolverine’s old friends and a government agent, reveals that Mariko married someone out of family obligation. To fulfill her duty to her father, the criminal lord Shingen, she wedded an (abusive) man.

Wolverine confronts her with her decision, trying to make sense of it:

Alexa, play ‘The Lonely Shepherd’ by Gheorghe Zamfir (Wolverine 1)

Wolverine decides to let Mariko lead her own life and to go back to the states, but the villain goes ahead and fucks it all up by kidnapping Wolverine and attempting to kill him with a poisoned shuriken. This triggers Wolverine into actually giving a shit.

However, lord Shingen doesn’t leave it at that. He challenges Wolverine to an honest duel with wooden sticks which about as friendly and honorable as your average American election. Shingen’s poison leaves Wolverine weakened and he is forced to unsheathe his claws to make it out alive.

Alexa, play ‘You Give Love a Bad Name’, by Bon Jovi. (Wolverine 1)

Wolverine is dumped out with the trash, but there, he is found by a woman named Yukio.

Yukio is an assassin employed by lord Shingen who was meant to torment and kill Wolverine, but who falls in love with her mark. In between, she plays it fast and loose with her loyalties. (I commend my self-restraint for not making a joke about 'swinging both ways'.) Sometimes, it seems she’s entirely in Logan’s corner, but when Logan accidentally whispers Mariko’s name in a fever dream, she apparently allies herself with lord Shingen and the Hand again. Mariko is beholden to duty, honor and love - Yukio is mostly beholden to her capricious self. In Logan she recognizes someone wild and ferocious, someone who also yearns to be free.

Yukio is the fucking definition of ‘ride or die’. Sometimes ‘ride and die’. Manic pixie nightmare girl for the win.

Yukio plays the double game as long as she can: she keeps Lord Singen at bay and keeps Wolverine occupied while steadily falling more in love with him. She even abandons her plans to assassinate Wolverine at some point. But then Wolverine, having fallen asleep in a drunken stupor, lovingly whispers Mariko’s name.

Yukio... does not take it well.

Logan’s betrayal was quiet and unintentional, Yukio’s is swift and deadly.

Yes, Yukio is so fucking skilled that she can kill someone with a throwing knife without drawing any blood at all. (Wolverine 3)

Wolverine gives chase, hunting Yukio down on the rooftops of Tokyo. Just as he’s about to kill her, she tells him: killing her would be like killing himself. He hesitates and he then is jumped by a few other assassins of the Hand. He murders them all, but Yukio escapes.

Before the story’s conclusion, there’s a beautifully rendered but slightly unnecessary dream sequence that really hammers down the underpinning metaphor of this story. In it, Wolverine is a ronin who’s fighting a war for the woman he loves, only to be betrayed by her:

If only my own dreams provided this much clarity about the current narrative threads of my own life, but I just dream of debugging code whilst being attacked by my own kitchenware. (Wolverine 3)

What this series does so excellently is to highlight the tension that makes Wolverine such a compelling character. On the one hand, he is a man with a code that tries to live honourably, on the other hand, he is a wild, feral berserker who operates on animalistic instinct. These sides of him are forever at war with one another. Mariko represents honor, duty, humanity, while Yukio represents instinct, wildness, impulse.

Following the dream and Yukio’s escape, Wolverine makes a choice. Yukio loves him as he is, while Mariko loves the man he could be. He chooses to fight for Mariko. (Terrible choice, really. Aspirational lovers are not better than lovers who accept that you sometimes wear dirty sweatpants in front of the tv and eat spoonfuls of mayo straight from the jar.) Wolverine wages war on everyone who works for clan Yashida. Yukio, meanwhile, wishes to kill Shingen to make up for Asano’s death and so, everything comes to a head.

The cast for the finale:

Wolverine

Lord Shingen

Mariko

Mariko’s husband

Yukio

Several Hand assassins

Yukio tries to get the drop on lord Shingen but he subdues her and humiliates her until Mariko intervenes. Mariko, meanwhile, realizes how much of a villain her father is, wrestling with her conscience. That’s when Wolverine enters the stand-off, killing the remainder of the Hand. Mariko’s husband, continuing to prove that he’s an asshole, fears Wolverine and has no qualms about using his wife as a human shield. He points a gun at her, telling Wolverine to fuck off, otherwise he’ll kill Mariko.

Yukio intervenes, not necessarily earning her redemption but at least a respite.

Wolverine may choose for Mariko, but he’s unable to cut Yukio out of his life completely. Gee, I wonder if that symbolizes something. (Wolverine 4)

With all the bit players whittled down, we finally, finally go for the final confrontation between Wolverine and Mariko’s dad, Lord Shingen. This time, Wolverine has not been crippled by poison and the odds are a lot more even.

Once again, I am in awe of the art.

I went on what the movie advertisements refer to as a roaring rampage of revenge. Oh I roared and I rampaged and I got bloody satisfaction. I’ve killed a hell of a lot of people to get to this point, but I only have one more. (Wolverine 4)

After the fight, Mariko tells Wolverine that he fought her father for honor, while her father was driven by nothing than greed. In a sense, she marries Wolverine’s feral side with his honorable side by explaining that even his berserker persona can be motivated by honor rather than impulse. As the new leader of clan Yashida, she exonorates him.

In fact, that’s not all she does: she also has a proposal for Logan. We end this first X-Man solo series with another significant first: the first X-wedding:

Ignore Storm’s cateyes and Piotr’s creepy smile and focus on what’s really important: at the fact that nobody in Japan bats an eye that Logan, like Cher and Bono, has only one name and at the fact that Logan apparently initializes documents with W. Heh.

#x-men abridged #abridged x-men #x-men #wolverine #yukio #mariko yashida #chris claremont #frank miller

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closecore · 3 years

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TL;DR I want Chris Farley to stand outside my window with a jukebox :/

Okay… not to fantasize or anything, but I WISH my life were a teen movie shot in the mid90’s, and I was the fashionable, cute main character that everyone who watched my movie thought was a real, charming, heartthrob (guys in the 2010’s would be like, “Yeah, she was, like… my first crush. Lol.” Which would make everyone a little uncomfortable to hear, but they’d agree. Why do guys always say that sort of thing like that? Like you know it’s implicitly sexual in their mind, but why. It wasn’t for me. I don’t want to know about your eleven-year-old lusts. Anyways…) Pretentious, stuffy people would say my character was a “““manic pixie dream girl”””” ignoring the fact that such a term is being grossly misused to describe any woman who doesn’t fit in a box. Besides. I’m the main character. That’s not even possible.

And my love interest is played by Chris Farley (so the movie probably would’ve been shot in, like? ‘93? Or 92?) there’s, like, this scene. The Scene. Where my character is Going Through it. She’s in her Stylishly Cluttered, Scrapbooky Teen 90’s Room (see: Ghost World, etc.) crying misty tears that turn angelic and dayglo in the turquoisey quality of the old cameras (I miss that), and then she hears faint music. It’s most definitely Ana Ng by They Might Be Giants. And she goes to her window. This window is large, too large and too beautiful for the house her and her shitfucked awful family live in, as is her room, but it’s symbolic you see, as she makes her own beauty, her own meaning where she is, but like 30 years later no one will pick up on this the way everyone now-a-days thinks the Simpsons house is worldbreakingly adequate and they’re all snide about it, but they’re Missing the Point, and My Room + large back window will be a *ding* on a Cinema Shits video.

SO she goes to the window, and looks out, and standing under the moonlight is Chris Farley’s character holding up one of those chunky boomboxes (like in Say Anything…) and though at first she just stares at him, she realizes that seeing him there is all she’s ever wanted, and without meaning to, she starts to smile, and then to laugh. Chris’ eyes are bright and holding an empathetic sadness that makes them shine as if he is about to shed tears as well (this is not in the script, Chris is just like that. But it adds something. It makes it all the clearer that he feels for her. That he loves her in the same way she loves him. And that is hard to find.)

He goes on a speech about how he loves her, and how he’ll always be there for her, yelling it up to her window, like Romeo and Juliet, his characteristic stutter and the stumbling way he says the most serious things only making it all so much more earnest. His face gently flushed, speaking directly to her, meaning every word - and she (I) start crying (also not in the script. The director exasperatedly says ‘we’ll need to edit around that.’) I deliver my lines just fine, despite the swell in emotions - both totally jubilant and strikingly relieved - but this makes Chris start to uncontrollably smile as well, knowing the dialogue I speak, written for my character about how she knows, how she’s always known, how she’ll always love him, or whatever; I am saying it just as honestly, just as open-heartedly to him, and he starts crying, too. Crying and smiling and holding the now silent jukebox above his head. The director gets pissed off and later declares we’ll have to do a reshoot, but we never do, because the producers eat it up.

Then in a scene mimicking the romantic poem, The Highway Man, by Alfred Noyes, Chris tries to ascend the space to my window, though his over exaggerated clumsiness is shed out of real need to get closer. He kisses my extended hand, and we look longing at each other.

Anyways the filming thing is kind of a metaphor?? Because I want the actual movie to be my life? But I’d take being an actor with Chris Farley and having a secret fling that gets less and less secret until the whole world knows, and somehow it all works out, and we’re happy, and in love, and history is forever changed in many small and wonderful ways.

#closecore #midwestern gothic #liminal space #photography #suburban gothic

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lepoppeta · 3 years

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Evening Thoughts: Phantom of the Opera edition

I watched the 25th anniversary recording and the 2004 film pretty close together, which I've actually never done before, and I wish to shout my thoughts about them into the void.

CHRISTINE

• Both Christines are great but they're great in different ways (I still honestly prefer 2004 though). 25th anniversary is afraid, so constantly afraid, and manipulated by everyone around her, and it's so easy to feel truly sorry for her. But her passion is evident despite her fear; she loves to sing, she loves her fellow ballet girls. Her ability to love and to love so fiercely is by far her most outstanding trait. It's arguable that this Christine genuinely loves Raoul more than Erik, and her affection for Erik is more borne out of pity, as if he's an abused pet that she nursed back to health.

• 2004 has this weird ethereal, "old soul"/"manic pixie dream girl" vibe, where it definitely feels like she knows and understands more than her youthful face lets on. She stares smack into Erik's eyes for every scene they have with his mask off after the initial one in the first act. She is so unafraid, by comparison. She feels much less passionate, however, as if she's just going through the motions because she's got literally nothing else going for her. She just... drifts. Like a ghost, like a phantom herself. It's weird. This Christine, to my mind, loves Erik more than Raoul (if that kiss at the end is anything to go by), but still leaves because he tells her to.

• Fun fact, a friend of mine and I had the idea that in the scene before "Wishing you were Somehow Here Again" (in 2004), Christine is fully aware of Erik being the coach driver, and the idea was that they were running away from Paris together. I mean, how many people could hear "take me to my father's grave" and know exactly what someone's talking about? And then Raoul had to go and get the wrong idea, yeesh.

RAOUL

• 25th Raoul I've noticed is a bit of a fan favourite. He's got a fantastic voice, and after a bit of squinting he's shown to be encouraging and gentle, but I can never shake the feeling that he's kind of... sick of it. He has this kind of "oh dear, come here you silly girl" vibe, like he thinks Christine as frivolous and probably delusional.

• 2004 is just... older brother vibes. There's barely any chemistry at all. They feel way more like long-lost siblings. Everything about their romance is dreadfully forced. Dude's got fantastic hair though.

THE PHANTOM

• Angry Phantom! Ramin's performance is curious to me because, as an after-school choir kid, I'm used to hearing and appreciating more controlled voices. 25th anniversary Erik is so frighteningly visceral and raw and the performance is great... but I personally don't like what it does to Ramin's voice. There are parts in "Music of the Night" where it's evident, but Ramin is far nicer to listen to when he's got to control his voice, and when he does it's beautiful, but when he doesn't it just sounds like he's screaming.

• Okay, I'm definitely biased, but 2004 was my first Phantom experience and I've stuck to Gerard Butler like glue (although I definitely have a deep, deep fondness for Charles Dance's Erik). He's obviously not an opera singer by any stretch of the imagination but he still carries his high notes like an angel and he's got those cape swishes down pat. What a man.

Again, just yelling uselessly into the void here. These are all just opinions! Nothing factual or concrete.

#the phantom of the opera #christine daae #raoul de chagny #headcanons

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lovesouroboros · 3 years

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It’s Frightening to Meet The Person We Could Have Become

Tonight I met the girl who I am nearly capable of being. She arose from within me, she pushed me toward the flame. For a brief time, I was vengeful - angry, inspired with rage. There was a flicker, a moment in which I did not recognise myself.

Earlier tonight, I wanted to hurt someone. Not anybody - somebody specific. I wanted to make him feel pain, I wanted him to feel frightened. I wanted him to hurt the way he’d hurt others, the way he’d hurt someone I knew. I wanted him to be scared, the way that she was scared.

I thought it unfair that those who’ve been hurt have to cower while their abusers run free. While they drink at the neighbourhood bar, laughing with friends - the ones who’ve they’ve bruised sit alone, in another, hopefully safer place. The ones that they’ve bruised are still hiding, afraid.

I’d looked for him for a week before now. A few people knew to call me if he was spotted. Soon enough, there he was : on the corner, as if he’d never left. When the dust settles, the monsters crawl back beneath our bed frames. No one dares to stop them. I thought I would.

The call came - I prepared. There was a plan. There were pills crushed to powder, stashed in a tiny ziplock I’d nestled within my purse. I changed clothes - swapped my stained jeans for an expensive mini skirt, name brand. I wanted to look valuable, like someone worth breaking. I put makeup on for the first time in weeks - blush, lipstick, mascara. Looking in the mirror, I thought, “I am ready to kill this man.”

I laughed, but it did not feel like a joke.

I bring my puppy, Scar, to the bar. It’s counterintuitive and premeditated - there is an image to create. “Dainty Damsel totes Dime Sized Dog, falls Head over Heels for Dreamy Drug Dude.”

In reality, I don’t wear heels. It’s good - he’s not as tall as I’d imagined. The table next to him is free, and I feel him watch me when I sit down. I make a spectacle of myself, aided by the passerby patrons who try to chat me up. Not now, I’m on a mission. Today, I’m going to kill a man.

I thought he’d be more bold. I move around a lot, I give him something to comment on - drawing in a notebook, coloured pencils splayed about. I feel him watching me, but he does not speak. I “drop” an orange pencil on the ground and wait for him to return it. He does, but he does not inquire more - it is an act of good grace, no openers to follow.

An acquaintance from the neighbourhood enters - an older man, Jacob. I smile when I see him, and he joins Drug Dude and their friends. I did not know they were acquainted, and I am glad to discover the fact - it is to my advantage. I continue to play manic pixie dream date in the corner until Jacob goes inside to the bar. I wait a minute, then follow.

“Who is that boy you’re with?”

He smiles.

“It’s a long story. I’ll join you in a moment, I need a whiskey first.”

I am intrigued, returning to my table. It isn’t common knowledge, what’s happened between the boy and my friend. In fact, it is Top Secret Info. So what’s the story, too long to express without a drink?

When I sit down, I notice the boy is leaving. We make eye contact, but my courage fails me for a beat. What am I to say?

“Stay, so I can drug you!”

But that isn’t the plan at all. It has to be him first, I need him to hold an illusion of power. I let him leave.

Jacob joins me, now nursing his whiskey. He begins to tell me the story. This boy, he’s just come out of a horrible relationship. Truly violent. (So it is known, there was violence). More than being beautiful, he is kind, and intelligent. Jacob thinks there is a sadness within him. He tells me that the boy does too many drugs, but when he is not wasted, he is a wonderful soul.

Jacob is confident that I am shy, that I am tail between my legs nervous about winning over the Dreamy Druggie. He tells me that he think I’d be good for him, because I am kind, and I don’t drink, and maybe someone loving like me is exactly what DD needs in this moment. I swallow my saliva.

“In any case, he’s gone now. I was too nervous to say hello.”

“I know where he’s gone, I can give you the name of the bar.”

I pause, something strikes me. The feeling passes.

“Would you go with me? I don’t want to do it alone. You could introduce us.”

Jacob smiles again. He is drunk, and happy to play Cupid. I suspect that he is also happy that I’ve placed my trust in him - we were not friends before tonight. He throws back his whiskey.

“Alright then, let’s go.”

The bar isn’t far, about a 5 minute walk from the last one. Still, we have time to chat - and I let Jacob do the talking. He’s a photographer, and he tells me that he wants to take photos for DD’s portfolio. He tells me that DD doesn’t think he is beautiful enough to model - objectively, this is untrue. Apparently he’s told Jacob that his “teeth aren’t nice enough” to have photos taken. Jacob’s solution? Don’t smile.

The new bar is loud. From wall to pavement it is crowded with drunk and sweaty college students chanting in unison about the football match. “Karim! KARIM! KARIIIIM!!” To be there is to be exhausted.

My puppy is scared - she is either too young or too old for this nonsense. I tell Jacob I’ll wait outside, lighting a cigarette and projecting an air of disinterest. He returns quickly, DD in tow. Showtime begins. I am nervous once more.

“Asha, I’d like to present you to a friend of mine. This is Wren. Wren, this is-”

“Asha,” he finishes. My name sounds funny coming out of his mouth - heavier. His eyes are big, like mine. He holds my gaze, and for a moment - I think he knows what I’m up to. Then -

“Enchanté.”

“Enchantée, à toi aussi.”

Jacob is smooth, busying himself with someone beside him without looking like he’s fucking off to give me time to run game. Whether his smoothness is appreciated or not is unapparent, for Wren does not seem to notice his departure.

“Do you live in the neighbourhood?”

Already he is trying to trap me, pre-strangulation analysis. Does whether I’m local play a factor in where he’ll choose to hurt me?

“Two blocks from here, and you?”

I already know where he lives, but it’s nice to ask.

“A bit further, near the bar we were at before. Do you remember me?”

Freeze.

“Have we met?”

“We haven’t, but I’ve seen you many times. I thought maybe you’d have seen me, too.”

Narcissist.

“No, I don’t think so. I’m sure I would have remembered you.”

It’s a cheap line, but it works - he smiles.

“You have nice teeth.”

I’ve seen the bite marks they leave.

“Thank you. Would you like a drink?”

I shake my head.

“I don’t drink, thanks.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t like who I am when I drink.”

He pauses, studying my face. I don’t know where the words came from, they’re completely misaligned with my charade of innocence. Some part of me decided to offer its truth without consulting the rest, and I’m not sure which part of myself deserves a kick.

“I understand that. I don’t either, usually, but I’m not sure how to stop. It doesn’t make me feel better, but I already feel bad anyway.”

Now it’s my turn to pause. His words feel honest, and it disturbs me. My mother told me once that abusers will wear their vulnerability on their shirtsleeve, like a pin. This is how they keep the “poor me” narrative running, this is why we feel sorry for them rather than angry. I am in the process of reconstructing this knowledge into walls around me when he speaks again -

“What are you when you drink?”

What. Not who. What?

“Violent.”

“Yeah, me too. I don’t want to be, though. I want to be good for people.”

“Are you? Sometimes?”

He crouches down to sit crosslegged on the pavement. Immediately, Scar walks to join him, resting her head on his leg. Two against one, I join them on the ground.

“So?”

“I was thinking. It’s easier here. Yes, sometimes I am good for people. More often, some people are good for me. I try to learn from them, and it works sometimes.”

“What about when it doesn’t work?”

Wren winces, withdrawing his pack of cigarettes from his shirt pocket. He pulls out two, offering the first to me. I accept, and he lights them both before speaking again. I inhale.

“Sometimes I’m too angry for anything to work. Except the people I’m angry with, they’re not around anymore. So the people who’ve stuck by me, they get my rage. It’s fucking backwards. I’m fucking backwards.”

I look up to the sky. It is night, but the sky isn’t fully dark - it never is. Light pollution shifts the black to blue, adding in a reddish tint. There are no stars to be seen.

“Why are you telling me this? Is this how you usually flirt?”

He shakes his head.

“I’m not flirting, I’m talking. Because I think you’ll understand me. You don’t need to flirt with people who understand you, there’s not a game to be played. Flirting is hiding. When I look at you, I see the same thing that I’m talking about in me. It’s in your eye, the left one : rage. But more than that, you are soft. I see you choosing to be soft. So I trust you, because for some people - it is not a choice. It is much more powerful to have the option to be wicked and choose not to be than to have been kindhearted all along. I am trying to choose that same power.”

“What stops you?”

“Exhaustion.”

I feel a sharp and sudden pain grip my chest, like a hornet sting to the heart. I reach my hand out without warning and grip his tightly.

I cannot explain what happens now, not properly. There are lights, flashes, a lifetime before me. My surroundings disappear. There is a chorus of memories that are not my own. I hear glass shattering and raised voices, I hear door slams. I taste blood in my mouth, my whole body aches. I feel drunk, distorted, disgusted, disgusting. There is a stained mattress, abandoned house, paint peeling. I feel myself making love to a woman, many women - my body is not my own, it is pale, it is Wren’s. I feel decades of tears rushing forward like a tsunami, pouring out of my eyes, filling up my mouth. I feel like I am being waterboarded with saline and screams, writhing and fighting to get out. Finally there is a climax, a tipping point - I manage to pull back, break free.

I am back on the street. Shaking, I look at my hands- they are my own once more. I look up to Wren and see his huge brown eyes, staring back at me. It occurs to me that I have just experienced every pain he’s ever suffered, and now I believe him to be deserving of love. It occurs to me that now, I think I may love him.

“Wren--”

He closes his eyes and places a hand up, stopping the rest of my words before they can meet the air. For a moment he is silent, pensive. Then, finally --

“Asha, did you come here to kill me?”

#tw: abuse #tw : domestic violence #creative writing #vigilante mode #nonfiction #creative nonfiction #essay #abuse #shadow work #magical realism #my writing #writing #writers of tumblr #short stories #short story #original writing #my fiction

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brightbeautifulthings · 4 years

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Our Chemical Hearts by Krystal Sutherland

"'But love is scientific, man. I mean, it's really just a chemical reaction in the brain. Sometimes that reaction lasts a lifetime, repeating itself over and over again. And sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it goes supernova and then starts to fade. We're all just chemical hearts. Does that make love any less brilliant? I don't think so.'"

Year Read: 2020

Rating: 4/5

About: Henry Page has worked through all of high school to be editor of the newspaper, so he's inexplicably furious when the new girl, Grace Town, turns down an opportunity to be his co-editor. Grace walks with a cane, wears boys' clothes, and rarely seems to socialize or shower, but Henry finds himself drawn to her. He's never been much for the drama of teenage romance, but suddenly, he can see the appeal. But Grace has secrets, and her life before she changed schools constantly threatens to overtake them. It's clear that whatever happened, Grace hasn't recovered, and love isn't a cure-all for life's tragedies. Trigger warnings: death, suicidal ideation, car accidents, severe injury, depression, self-loathing, self-injury, grief, ableism.

Thoughts: I have rarely read a novel that feels so much like a John Green novel without actually being a John Green novel. Sutherland's writing is beautiful and introspective, with all the arrogance and pretention of being a teenager. I was rarely so philosophical and so certain of my (often wrong) convictions as I was at seventeen. I stick with some writers just for their prose, and Sutherland has just been added to that list. There are so many quotable lines, so many philosophical tidbits. The characters are great, and I love the way Henry's best friends, Muz and Lola (both with distinct personalities and motivations), aren't sidelined in favor of the romance. I would have loved this as a teenager, but I think I appreciate its nuances even more as an adult.

This is a love story, but it isn't a fairytale. Romance rarely brings the characters any happiness, and more than anything, I think it examines (and examines well) how this relationship isn't good for either Henry or Grace. Sometimes, we love people who are just plain bad for us. The book also looks at the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope (the characters even having a direct conversation about it), and it would be easy to label Grace as such; in fact, we can see that in some ways Henry does put her in that box, despite being totally aware of the problems with it. Like most novels about the MPDG, though, the actual message is that Grace is not a dream anything, not put there for the chest-beating male hero to agonize over and ultimately learn from. She's a person dealing with the fallout of a tragedy no teenager should have to face.

As I was reading, I wondered (frequently and with increasing frustration) why the novel was told from Henry's perspective instead of Grace's, since she's clearly the one with a story to tell. We know early on that something terrible has happened to Grace, though not quite what it is, and the novel takes a painful look at grief, guilt, and the long, long process of recovery. In contrast, Henry's an utterly average teen male protagonist, the kind found in YA novels all over, and it's deeply troublesome how much he wants the "Old Grace" or the "better" Grace instead of the current Grace. It's an unfair thing to even ask of her. So many times, I wanted to shake him and say, "There are bigger things going on than your feelings, dude!" But, you know, that's the point, and sometimes the only way for a human to learn something is the hard way. Though unexpected and far from neatly tied up, I found the ending perfect for overall message. I'll definitely be looking for more of Sutherland's books.

#book review #our chemical hearts #krystal sutherland #ya contemporary #4/5 #rating: 4/5 #2020 #bookoween

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nymphadoratonqs · 4 years

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heheh of cOURSE I'm asking 002 for nymohadora tonks😍💖💖💖😂with that beautiful username change of yours!!!!!

AAAA i’m finally making my 15 year-old self’s dream come true and unashamedly becoming nympahdora tonks in my spare time 😂

002 | Give me a character & I will tell you

• How I feel about this character:

As you can probably tell, she’s my favourite. 😍 I mean, I love Remus Lupin and I will protect him with all I’ve got, but Tonks is my main girl and it’s time I’ve let the world know all about it! haha

• All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Mainly Fleur and Remus! But, as I said when I talked about Fleur, I don’t think those are necessarily mutually exclusive. I think there are multiple possibilities and I truly believe people can love more than one person at a time, and that sometimes monogamy and a bourgeois family unit are not the way to go to make someone truly happy.

• My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Tonks and Charlie are my friendship OTP! My headcanon is that they were friends at Hogwarts and had a great time taunting one another over their House’s Quidditch matches. In the best “queers band up together” spirit, I think they would have had some experiences to share since I see both their mums as fairly conservative in their own ways, too.

• My unpopular opinion about this character:

Where do I begin? 😂 I disagree with a lot of people in the fandom, especially other fellow Wolfstar shippers, about a great load of things when it comes to Tonks and Remadora. I don’t see her as a manipulative person who “forced Remus into a relationship he didn’t want to be in”, as I’ve seen people put it before, and I think that there’s a misogynistic and a biphobic tone to that interpretation of her character.

It’s also unfair to Remus to assume that he could be conned into a relationship because she was shown as the one who pursued him (and because of that scene in HBP where they argue about it in front of Molly), or that she “hooked him by getting pregnant” (!!!!). The way I see their relationship, Tonks saw through Remus’ deep insecurities and self-loathing and called him out on his bullshit. The “too old, too poor, too dangerous” speech is the essence of his character to me. He really thinks he’s not good enough for her, and that he would be harming Tonks by being in a relationship with her, as much as he wanted it. This only gets confirmed later on in DH when Harry calls him out for wanting to ditch his wife and unborn child to go on a mission. To me, that is Remus trying to cover his urge to punish himself for having gotten something he wanted and didn’t think he deserved by denying himself love and a family. It’s almost a suicidal move (no one can convince me he wouldn’t be out there jumping in front of hexes if he had gone out to fight with the trio), and I don’t think he was thinking clearly/coldly when he decided to leave.

I mean, no one concludes that Sirius is deep down a murderer who was just dying to go out there and off Peter when he went after him and ended up getting all those Muggles killed (even if he wasn’t the one who exploded them) – which was a very bad decision he made while highly emotional and, arguably, out of his mind. So why would a big chunk of the fandom collectively decide that Remus didn’t love Tonks and was just dying to break free of that “forced relationship” when he’s the one to make a decision out of fear, anguish and guilt that stems from his own self-hate? (Misogyny, that’s why.)

• One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I really fucking wish she would have lived. There was no good narrative reason for her to die, only shock value, and honestly fuck that.

• my OTP

This one is hard! I do think that Remadora had great potential. I truly think that they could have worked through their issues with time and therapy (which I can dream about because everyone deserves time and therapy to help them have a better life) because I think she would have brought out the best in him. Tonks is a bright, clever, skilled and overall badass person. She’s also kind and loving (hello, Hufflepuff) and FUN and Remus is a Marauder, ffs! I can see him slowly learning that he deserves to be loved, and feeling freer and freer to be himself around her. They could have been so happy together, and having them both die in the end was shit. I’m still bitter about that.

BUT here’s the catch: no woman has to stick with a man while he takes his (well deserved) time to work through his issues. Tonks doesn’t have to be his Manic Pixie Dream Chick and lovingly guide him to a land of stable mental health where he can be the partner she deserves.

And that’s where Flonks comes into the picture. Fleur may have her issues (like every human being on the planet does), but they wouldn’t get in the way of them making each other happy. I think they are both awesome witches (brave and bright and talented) and they would make a great Auror & Curse Breaker team. They could build each other up and have an amazing life filled with love and gay things and I would absolutely love that.

• a headcanon fact:

Throughout the years, the idea of Tonks being non-binary has grown on me. With the ability to morph your body, having to stick to what society expects from a female or a male body to look like and what that means to your own gender identity doesn’t seem like something Tonks would ignore, to me. As someone who’s seen rebelling against what’s expected from her (which, in canon, sounds a lot like “Not Like Other Girls Syndrom”, but I digress), I can see it as something she would want to explore about herself.

Still, I think I still would have a lot more to learn before I could write a story that featured this headcanon. As a cis person, I believe I’m at a point where I still need to hear a lot more, rather than speak myself when it comes about gender non-conforming.

Oh, and by the way, I was gifted a Flonks fic that features NB Tonks this year for Femme Fest and I really loved what Isa did with the headcanon. It was so meaningful for the story and it also shook me a bit out of my comfort zone in the best of ways. I really really recommend it!

#watch me lose folllowers over the remadora talk lmao #nymphadora tonks #flonks #remadora #headcanons #character asks

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kianakrystlewrites · 4 years

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My Writing Journey

Hello my darlings ♡ Welcome to my blog! If you’ve found your way here, thank you so much for following me on my writing journey. It means the world to have you engage with me as I pave my way to publication. This post is something I’ve been wanting to write forever now, and I’m so delighted to share it with you. I believe when you reach a certain point during whatever path you’re on, it’s important to reflect on what brought you to where you are. For me, I am currently querying my first novel, LOVE LETTERS TO THE SEA (which will have its own blog post very soon). It has been such a challenging and reflective time for me, filled with mixed emotions and uncertainty. Regardless of the “bad days” when I am met with rejection after rejection, I am still so proud of myself for making it to this point. And believe it or not, there are “good days” too (like landing a spot on the Top 25 Pitches list for PitMad, and receiving full requests from agents I’m really excited about). And in those moments of success and fulfillment, I am always reminded of what started it all.

Like most writers, I’ve always loved English. There’s no need to get into that. But unlike a lot of writers, I fell in love with language before I fell in love with storytelling. I think what triggered my love for the sound of words was getting my heart broken . . . by my first love, by my family, by my friends at the time. Literature, lyrics, prose . . . those were the only things that made me feel whole. When I had nothing, I found comfort in how words fell off the tongue like honey and wine. It was like a secret language that only I could hear, which evoked a euphoria unlike anything else. When I’d read books like Romeo & Juliet or The Great Gatsby, I could feel myself turn pink with a warm glow. The prose from those stories struck me like a cord. It brought me to life. But there was one writer who shaped me above the rest, and she wasn’t even an author. She was a musician.

Lana Del Rey.

Do I even have to say more?

I fell in love with Lana unlike any boy I’d loved before. Her lyrics seemed to understand me in a way no one else did, and I resonated with her as if she were my best friend. I think my true awakening was listening to her music (her song Video Games saved my life during my darkest hours). It was enchanting. Her music told stories, and I’d paint them in my mind. I’d imagine myself as the main character of her songs, and daydream about my downfall in a poetic, romantic way. It all seems very melodramatic now, but she is the main reason I decided I wanted to be a writer.

I started with writing poetry, getting in touch with language and rhythm, familiarizing myself with how different words sounded next to each other. I think the biggest reason my prose is so lyrical now is because I was a poet before I was a fiction writer. But I didn’t want to just write poetry. I wanted to be an artist. I wanted be be like Lana. Her music wasn’t just music in my eyes. It was an aesthetic, a feeling, something so perfectly her that no one else could imitate it. Not even me.

I fell in love with fairytales next. I vividly recall one sunny afternoon with my best friend Sydney. We had spent the day at the beach, and when we came home, she read me fairytales on her bedroom floor. I remember wanting to escape, wanting to live in a dark and beautiful world where I was an enchantress and no one could hurt me. But I also fell in love with the lighter stories too. I wanted to be a princess. I still do. I wanted sweet days and sunshine and a prince charming who wouldn’t break my heart. Sometimes I would even think to myself . . . what if I’m supposed to be a princess on another planet?

Honestly, that was the first seed for LOVE LETTERS TO THE SEA.

More thoughts came soon after:

. . . What if my true love is already dead and he’s waiting for me on the other side? The side where I’m a princess! And on that other side, I’d be mind numbingly gorgeous! . . .

. . . Or, what if my true love has been dead for years and years, and only visits me as my guardian angel! We could never be together if that’s the case though . . . now could we? And that’s why I’m *doomed* to be single forever!!! . . .

But in the back of my mind, I always thought that idea was quite romantic. A guardian angel watching over me, in love with me. That’s why he never lets anything bad ever happen to me. He’s someone to protect me, someone to shield me from all the darkness I’ve been battling.

And then came the dreams.

I had a series of dreams every day for a week straight. It was always the same thing. I’d be drowning. I could feel myself dying, struggling to breathe. For some reason, the water was always beautiful, and I was strangely aware of that even while I was suffering. But then, this handsome man would reach down and save me, pulling me towards the surface. However, when we’d brake the water, I’d be in a different world. My dream world! The world where I was a princess, and I was beautiful! But most importantly . . . the world where I was reunited with my guardian angel.

I knew I had to write this story. I had to! Only . . . I didn’t know how. I wasn’t ready. It was one of those concepts that felt too big to pull off in the way I imagined it. But I also knew that this was the story of my heart. It was rooted in my traumas, something beautiful birthed by all my darkness. Only, I was 16. I hadn’t learned how to properly feel all the things I felt. I didn’t understand it, I didn’t understand me. But I knew I wanted to write about this beautiful girl from my dreams, filled with emotion and chaos and . . . love. At the end of the day, she was always filled with love.

I wasn’t bold enough to write the story of my dreams. And so . . . I daydreamed about it instead. I fell in love with the aesthetic of the story. I imagined the world first. I imagined her beauty. . . all of her dresses . . . her handsome guardian angel. I became obsessed with my main tumblr @bambi-la-bella ♡ I wanted to live in the images I collected. I created mood boards. I imagined worlds within those photographs. I dreamt of her adventures. I created scenarios in my head.

My writing has always been vivid and cinematic. I have Tumblr to thank for that. I always knew my aesthetic was meaningful in some sort of way, and I wanted my art to reflect it through and through. Present day, I’m building a whole brand surrounding my aesthetic, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

At the time, I still never felt like I could be a writer. Not the kind of writer I wanted to be. I didn’t think I could create fantasy or fairytales. I did try my hand at storytelling though. But I never touched LOVE LETTERS TO THE SEA. I would always write these shitty John Green inspired contemporaries about manic pixie dream girls and runaway teens who’d road trip across the world, escaping their problems instead of confronting them. I’d write about girls like Effy Stonem and Alaska Young, who were broken and beautiful, but not in the way my dream girl was . . . unlike her, they were missing one thing. They weren’t filled with love. I didn’t know how to channel it. I didn’t know how to love myself. All I knew was that I was destructive. I was chaos incarnate. And I wanted to be free.

Senior year, I gave up on writing for good.

I was extremely lost when I began college. It’s not something I want to get into, but I was so empty. Waking up every morning hurt. My second semester of freshman year, I decided to join a sorority. I was looking for friends, looking to feel like I belonged to something special. Only, I didn’t feel like I belonged . . . not really. I didn’t feel like myself. I don’t even really think I knew who I was at the time either. But I knew I wasn’t a pretty prefect instagram model. I wasn’t skinny and tiny like all my friends. I always felt a need to keep up with them. I wanted to look like them, act like them, be like them. I had no one else to look up to at that point. The thing is, they did made me feel special. When I was with them, I felt powerful, like nothing could hurt me. It was all an illusion. Deep down, I knew I wasn’t like them. Not in the way I wanted to be.

Then I came across Gabriella Demartino, and everything changed.

If you don’t know who Gabi is, she’s an American YouTuber who celebrates all things vintage, glam, and girly. I instantly became obsessed with her life and style. I began dressing like her, doing my makeup like her, embracing things I actually loved. She made me realize I didn’t care about raves or frat parties. I wanted to go to tea. I wanted to watch the Nutcracker Ballet and go vintage dress shopping. I wanted sleepovers with champagne and Audrey Hepburn films on repeat. In my greatest fantasies, I imagined shopping at Chanel, living in Paris, dining at Laduree! . . . Gabi made me realize I wanted to create a life worth living. I wanted to be me. I wanted to be the girl from my dreams from that once upon a time.

One winter day, Gabi posted this video she created for Christmas time. It was inspired by The Princess and the Pauper, and so whimsical to me. I wanted to live in that story. I wanted to twirl around in a lacy dress and munch on sugar cookies. I wanted to fall asleep by the fire with a ribbon in my hair and play dress up in her walk-in closet. I wanted to create something just like it. I wanted to . . . I wanted to write. After two years, I wanted to write.

♡ a picture from the video that inspired it all ♡

Here’s the tea . . . when I began writing LOVE LETTERS TO THE SEA (which back then was called SWEET ROSE), I was working at a dead end job. And when I say dead end, I mean DEAD. END. We had no manager. Our shop owner rarely ever stopped by. Nobody really cared about what we were supposed to be doing (we were a bunch of 18-20 year olds with no supervision) . . . and there was a computer. Right where the cash wrap was. I was alone during my shift. We had no customers that day. And so, I began to write . . . and write . . . and write. I wrote until I had my very first chapter about Lila Rose Li. Everything I’d learned in high school culminated to this very moment. My lyrical prose. My aesthetic. And my story. (which at the time was VERY different).

I was extremely proud of my first chapter! I wanted to share it with the world! I . . . I wanted to become an author.

I wanted to become an author.

That was always a dream I had in high school, but I never thought that it would ever come true. Instead, I was in a sorority, trying to be someone I wasn’t . . . studying fashion, which I was failing at and hated . . . but most importantly, I wasn’t being true to myself. Being an author was a dream I had that felt exclusively . . . mine.

I decided to take the whole writing thing seriously. And to do so, I told my friends so that they could hold me accountable. “Hey, I want to be a published author!” I said one day. I’m not sure if anyone actually took me seriously at the time, but I let them read my writing as I go, excited that I was writing for someone other than myself. However, Sydney would critique me as I went, which made me realize . . . oh shit. I’m still not ready to tell this story the way I want. Will I ever be ready? HOW will I ever be ready?

And so, I took the biggest risk I could. The year before I was supposed to graduate college, I decided to change my major to Creative Writing. My mother cried. She thought I was being absolutely ridiculous. She told me she’d never believe in me until I proved myself to her (news flash: present day she supports my writing immensely and prays for me to get a book deal every single night). But at the time . . . I was a disgrace. I was the dishonorable child who didn’t care what mom and dad thought. It’s true. I didn’t care. I’d risk it all to become the writer I always dreamt of being. Even if that meant my family hated me.

Despite the discourse with my family, this is still probably my favorite part of the journey — being a creative writing major, finding my people, my voice, and my best friend: @chloegracewrites ♡ It started with dinner parties with classmates I’d met in CW 301. We’d sit around a cheese plate, drink wine, and talk about our story ideas. It was the most wonderful time of my life. I finally felt like I fit in somewhere after searching forever. But when I met Chloe . . . I can’t even tell you how it changed my life.

The day I met her I felt like we were two halves of a whole. We bonded over our love for Laini Taylor, and eventually had our first “creative writing date” where we just gushed about writing instead of actually writing. Most of my brainstorming was done with her. She helped me realize ideas I hadn’t even fully formed yet. In fact, I plotted the concept for my final version of LOVE LETTERS TO THE SEA with her just about a year ago (In August, when I started my final draft). When I think of becoming a serious writer, I think of Chloe. I think about how she pushed me, and how she was the only one out of my peers I trusted to make me better. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

A lot happened before I actually started to get . . . good.

I’m not going to lie, when I first started my creative writing classes, I thought I was hot shit. Unlike my peers, I already had a style. I had a story and an aesthetic and I had a voice. Only . . . I didn’t realize that voice wasn’t good. I used to cry every time we had workshop. I didn’t understand that my peers were just trying to make me better. It wasn’t until my teacher turned mentor (let’s call him MDL) lit a damn fire beneath my ass. He returned my first writing assignment to me. I was less than enthused by the grade. Of course, I cried. I cried and cried and was probably known as the girl who cried! But above all, I was pissed! I wanted to be better than this. I knew I was better than this!

I thought about my parents. I remembered everything I sacrificed for my dreams. I thought of quitting my sorority, of quitting fashion, of leaving all my friends behind to follow my own path . . . but most importantly, I remembered that I wanted to be a writer. And if I wanted to be a writer, I sure as hell had to take things seriously.

My inner slytherin LEAPED out. I was vicious when it came to perfection. I would accept nothing less. In the end, I still cried. But I cried like Azula in the last episode of ATLA: upset that I didn’t win, upset that I wasn’t perfect. My obsession was sick, and yet . . . I was oddly proud of myself. I knew I’d stop at nothing to be the best writer I could be. I wrote twice every day: once in the morning, and once at night. Mind you, I had a job, went to school, and worked an internship at the time. Eventually, one of my professors broke me. He deemed me emotionally unstable. He called me a distraction to the rest of the class because of my perfectionism. And just like that, I realized how insane I’d gotten, and how obsessed with perfection I’d become. But even then, I was thankful. When I got kicked out of class, I scrapped my whole novel for the third time and began again.

Another fire was lit, and I was going to prove him wrong.

I decided I wanted to go to grad school to get my MFA in Childrens and Young Adult Writing at the New School in New York. Partially because this professor told me I wasn’t a “serious enough writer” for grad school and that I “needed help.” Boy did that make me mad! I’ll show you, I said to myself. I worked twice as hard, but this time, without the tears or self destruction. You know that scene in The Devil Wears Prada where Miranda tells Andrea “you’re not working hard enough” after Andrea bent over backwards for her job? Well I had that moment too. And just like Andrea, I collected myself, and worked harder than hard. I was basically the Elle Woods of the Creative Writing Department, and I HAD to prove myself.

And boy, did I work hard as hell.

Remember that other professor, MDL? Oh yeah. By the end of the year, he went from being critical of my writing to praising it. He even offered me a mentorship (mind you, this was super cool because he’s an award winning author). I won’t give away too much, but I am so thankful for his guidance. By the end of that semester, one of my peers had told me something I’d never forget. She said, “You know Kiana, I’ve always admired how seriously you take criticism. I’m impressed with how hard you work to become the best writer you can be.” I was so proud of myself in that moment.

Although, I think I’m quite different now. After falling in love with my novel, it’s hard for me to accept anyone else’s opinion other than my own. But again . . . I’m getting ahead of myself.

That summer, August to be exact, my novel was no longer SWEET ROSE. It was no longer DEVIL’S ROSE, or DEVIL’S ROSE 2.0. It was . . . LOVE LETTERS TO THE SEA. I remember blurting out my ideas for the rewrite to Chloe, and having them not make sense out loud. She seemed to understand me though. For some reason, I think she always has, even when I don’t think I make any sense at all. We talked over my plot, and when I sat down to write . . . it felt like the story I always wanted to tell.

A year after my chaotic semester of getting kicked out of class with a permanent W on my transcript, I no longer felt the need to go to grad school. To my surprise, I was proud of how I’d evolved (plus COVID happened lol). However, all of that hard work from last year still paid off. I got accepted anyways with 50% of my tuition covered. It was a merit scholarship based on my application alone (BASED ON MY OPENING CHAPTERS OF LOVE LETTERS TO THE SEA)!!! I was in disbelief! Take that mr. professor who said I wasn’t serious enough for grad school!

By the time I finished writing my novel in May of 2020, I felt like my story was a work of art. It was my story. The story of my heart. And I had finally created the version of it I’d always dreamed of. But again, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Flashback to March of 2020, my life began to change even more. I joined writing Twitter pre-COVID, and found my community. With the pandemic going on, I began to create a lot of online friendships. I was connecting with so many other writers, and I learned a lot from them all.

But my most successful online friendship wasn’t found through Twitter. It was through here on Tumblr. I was convinced I had met my soulmate: @wistful-giselle ♡

Speaking to Giselle felt like every Lana Del Rey song I’d ever listened to. It felt like reading Romeo & Juliet and The Great Gatsby for the first time again. She spun poetry unlike anything I had ever read (and is a great inspiration behind my prose). She reminded me that my writing isn’t just about the story . . . it’s about the language too. She inspired me to make sure every page was perfumed and lyrical, and before sending my novel out to readers, I did one big revision with her in mind. I wanted to impress myself, but I also wanted to impress her. She was the most talented writer I had ever met.

Giselle ended up being the first person to ever read my novel from start to finish (and in a single sitting too). For that, she holds a special place in my heart.

Then came my beta readers. Another person read it all in one sitting: Chloe. Then another. And another. And another. In total, five people read my entire novel in one whole sitting. I was speechless. I still am. Even my CPs flooded me with praise and compliments. I didn’t realize it at the time, but within two weeks, I thought that I was ready to query because of the successful response I had.

I believed in myself, and in my eyes, I thought my novel was perfect (especially because of the validation from readers). Looking back on it now, I’m not entirely sure I was ready. I think that perhaps I was overly confident. Maybe, I still am.

I started querying in July of this year. I cannot even speak to the amount of rejections I received between now and then. People told me I was ready. They said that agents would swoop me up immediately. In fact, I thought I’d be agented in about a week or so! Boy was I wrong. That’s not how things work at all.

This part of my journey is probably the darkest. I don’t think I was ever really prepared for it. Rejection, after rejection, after rejection came. I started to lose hope after only a month. I was confused. I didn’t understand what was wrong with my novel. I still don’t really understand it. LOVE LETTERS TO THE SEA is everything I ever wanted it to be. It’s everything I worked so hard at perfecting. It’s just like how I feel about Lana’s music: so perfectly me that nobody else could ever imitate it. I love my story. I think I always will.

I know I might appear to be doing well on social media to some of you despite all of the rejections. To people who don’t know the details of my life, I probably even seem successful. During SFFpit, I was the top tweet of the whole contest with over 300+ retweets and 7 requests (there were more, those were just the ones that I was interested in).

In the end, they were all rejections.

I never wanted anyone to know that. I’m so thankful for my following, I don’t want to let anyone down. But at the end of the day, I also want to be authentic with my audience. I want you to know that even I fail.

In March of 2020, I started with 200 followers on my Twitter account. By September of 2020, I’d grown my following to 1,000+ followers, which I am so thankful for. I know that number may not seem like a lot to some people, but as someone who has never had a rapidly growing following, it means the world to me. I love everyone who supports me more than they’ll ever know.

I see everything. I notice how many of you there are who tell me you can’t wait to see my book on the shelves. I see your praise and encouragement and support. I read all of your messages. I respond to every one, or at least I try. Sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve it. But I am so, so thankful for it all. It’s the reason I keep believing in myself, even in my darkest hours.

All I’ve ever wanted is to feel seen.

And I do. I feel seen by all of you. But I also feel like a fraud sometimes. The truth is, even I get rejections. A lot of them. More than you would think from the outside looking in. And yeah, it hurts. It hurts because I love my story. It hurts because I believe in myself. It hurts because you believe in me too.

So why aren’t I there yet?

I don’t think I’ve ever felt true heartbreak until now. Querying is the most vulnerable, brutal thing I’ve ever put myself through.

But it does get better. There are some good days too. You might think I’m just being dramatic since the present day marker of this journey actually ends on a very happy note. But that’s the thing about querying. It’s up and down, up and down. It’s unpredictable and scary and it takes a lot of guts to do. But enough on that.

This post is getting long, so I’m not going to go into detail about pitch contests. All you need to know is that I participated in a huge contest called PitMad, and to my suprise, I made it into the top 25 tweets of the contest, with 400+ retweets and about 8 agent requests.

And even more surprising, I f*cked up my queries on accident, and still received several fulls 3 days later (lol). My point is, maybe it’s not all about being “perfect”. Maybe it’s about having a story you love and believe in, and finding the right match for it. 90% of my rejections are based on my story “not being the right fit.” It doesn’t mean my story is bad. It just means I haven’t found the right person to represent me. I know I have a strong story that I love deeply, and that others love deeply too. It wasn’t until my fulls started coming in that I began believing in myself again. Thankfully, I have a group of wonderful people who never once stopped believing in me, even when my light dimmed out. (you know who you are ♡).

I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t even know if my fulls will turn into offers. All I can do is believe in myself, and know that my story is good enough for someone to want to represent it. And hey, if it doesn’t work out, I can always revise. I did it once before . . . in college, when I was still pushing myself to grow. Sometimes I forget that we never really stop growing. There is always room to evolve.

Maybe I was right to believe in my novel so fiercely. Maybe I was wrong.

Honestly, only time can tell. I have a hopeful feeling about my recent requests, and I am very excited about the agents viewing my work. But I also know how devastating querying is. I don’t want to let myself down. Falling from grace and reaching my lowest lows has taught me that I’m not perfect. In fact, there’s no such thing as perfect. I am constantly evolving, and this isn’t the end of my journey.

It’s just the beginning.

Love Always,

Kiana ♡

#writingcommunity #writing #youngadultwriting #writingjourney #fantasywriters #fantasy writing #young adult #writing blog #querying #queryinglitagents #lana del rey #gabi demartino

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