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zombspidey · 20 days

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intro ⋆ READ B4 INTERACTING ⌁

my name is ajax/reo (you can call me either of those names) my pronouns are he/xe i am a minor (i'm 4teen) and i used to be @spinnspidey, @radiospidey, @knifespidey, and @razorspidey (that was the more known one) but i got t worded (again…) to whoever got me t worded, block dnt report. thanks!! ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა yeah so heres my intro. i'm a little bit of a weirdo if i do say so myself and i'm heavily tumblr obsessed so yeah i'll be on here nd i'll probably post a lot ^^ i'll post whatever goes through my mind which might be bad so warning on that. i might show symptoms of mental illnesses and if i do then mb idk not really my problem… but heads up i WILL say shit that shows that im not doing great. please do not try to save me or smth. also im looking for friends so bmf i promise im nice. DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT PROMOTE ANYTHING THAT I POST. I AM POSTING AS A WAY TO VENT.

more info + stats under the cut!!! (tw for talking about sh + ed. don't like, don't read.)

sh﹐tw . . . ⋆ i have been cvtting since 2022 ⋆ i have hit styro ⋆ only styro on my thighs ⋆ i am not allowed to cvt anymore (unfortunately) ⋆ i have cvt my thighs, arms, stomach, and neck ⋆ most scars on thighs + arms ⋆ mostly cat scratches ⋆ all scars have healed (or are almost done in the process of healing) ⋆ my parents found out so i can't do it for now… (⇀‸↼‶)

ed﹐tw . . . ⋆ i have always hated my body ⋆ started trying to lose weight january 2023 ⋆ started around december 2023 (probably before, like over the summer but idk…) ⋆ 160 cm (last time i measured myself at least..) ⋆ sw 57.6 kg (bmi 22.5) ⋆ hw 60 kg (bmi 23.4) ⋆ lw 49.8 kg (bmi 19.5) ⋆ cw 49.8 kg (bmi 19.5) [will update every morning] ⋆ gw 1 50 kg (bmi 19.5) ⋆ gw 2 45 kg (bmi 17.6) ⋆ gw 3 40 kg (bmi 15.6) ⋆ ugw <38 kg (bmi <14.8)

dni . . . ⋆ basic dni (idrc ngl, do what you want but don't report me thanks) ⋆ judgmental people ⋆ people who have mdni in their bio (i am a minor so??) ⋆ nsfw accounts (this means people who post/reblog nudes. if it's just text, it's fine) ⋆ overly sensitive people ⋆ people who aren't ok w dark topics/get uncomfortable by stuff like that (this is more for you than for me, i dont wanna make anyone upset) ⋆ people who get triggered by talking about sh, ⭐️ving, alcohol, etc… (yes i am aware that it's bad, no don't come to my dms with a savior complex telling me to get help. i'm trying to get help) ⋆ i block freely btw cuz ik a lot of ppl dont respect dni lists + theres people who are unavoidable at times…

byi . . . ⋆ if you interact with me, i might seem excited n stuff ⋆ i might sound like i'm flirting but i'm not (i have a partner and i love them) ⋆ i can make a lot of sex jokes ⋆ i am very immature ⋆ dnt try to "fix" me, i'll probably block you or ignore you ⋆ i'm a little unusual so yeah ⋆ dnt be scared to interact w me i luv talking to peopleヾ(≧∇≦)ゞ ⋆ i am not pro €d or $h i just post about it and my experience…

fandoms . . . ⋆ hypmic (hypnosis mic) ⋆ genshin impact ⋆ paralive (paradox live) ⋆ servamp ⋆ tougen anki ⋆ karneval ⋆ bsd (bungou stray dogs) ⋆ seraph of the end ⋆ litc (lost in the cloud) ⋆ kagerou daze ⋆ the case study of vanitas ⋆ pandora hearts ⋆ enstars (ensemble stars) (i am KIND OF a part of it because my ex filled me up on a lot of lore when we were together…) ⋆ pjsk (project sekai) ⋆ theres probably some others but i forgot…

interests . . . ⋆ vkei ⋆ scene ⋆ anything bloody ⋆ cannibalism (ooh edgy) ⋆ tortures ⋆ psychology ⋆ music (i listen to vkei, scene, metal, etc…) ⋆ vampires ⋆ fanfiction (mostly genshin but other stuff occassionally) ⋆ true crime (im not tcc) ⋆ rarepairs (mostly genshin) ⋆ bats ⋆ writing ⋆ books ⋆ etc… ⋆ btw if youre interested in any of these or are interested becoming friends PLEASEEE message me 🙏🙏😓 im looking for friends pleaseplwaseplease

tags . . . ⋆ i tag all my posts with #zombspidey ⋆ i tag my normal posts with #zombspideys normal posts, meaning they are unrelated to $h and/or €d related things ⋆ i don't have a specific tag for $h/€d/vent related things so beware. i usually put a warning on all my posts like that at the end of the post tho ⋆ i tag my moodboard with #zombspideys moodboards ⋆ i tag stuff about me/my life as #zombspidey diary ⋆ i tag my rants/more serious posts with #zombspidey rants ⋆ block any of the tags or my blog if you do not wish to see it!!!

other links . . . ⋆ fanfic/dead dove: do not eat blog ⋆ poem blog ⋆ carrd

remember!!! block DONT report this blog if you need to ^^ this blog is meant as a way to vent my feelings/talk about my feelings so please don't dm me about how its bad. i am aware.

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winged-bat · 2 years

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Helloooo how are you?

I’m not sure how familiar you are with him, but do you have any headcanons for Wally?

I’m doing good just gotta cram all the summer hw I didn’t do into tonight. I sadly don’t know a lot about him, i was thinking about reading his 1987 flash run but haven’t gotten the chance also don’t know if it’d be a good start place but 🤷‍♀️ (also with school starting tomorrow for me probably not gunna happen soon)

- It is my firm belief that all speedsters have run into a wall/window a some point (listen idc if they can technically faze thro walls and shit or whatever you can pry this from my cold dead hands)

- He makes the cheesest dad jokes and his kids make fun of him constantly for it, they even try and out dad joke him sometimes (are they maybe gone forever 🤷‍♀️ but were gunna ignore that)

- He has bobble heads and he always flicks there heads to see how fast he can get them to bobble

- The amount of shoes he’s ruined bc he forgot they’re not speedster durable is very high

- He attracts mosquitoes like honey to Winnie the poo

- He’s scared of ducks and whenever he sees one he is gone

- Bc of fast metabolism he poops seconds after he’s finishes a meal

- No one likes watching movies with him bc he has a tendency to spoil them if he’s seen them already or he makes accurate predictions and just ruins all the plot twist in the movie

- He has a drawer that he covers with stickers and everytime he gets a new sticker he thinks of the perfect placement for it

#also just got a new phone so thats fun #wally west #flash #dc #wally west hcs #wally west headcannons #dc hcs #asks :]

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cinanamon · 5 years

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I want to go ahead and give summer the middle finger

#neg. super fricken neg please ignore if you cant handle it #like god i was so excited and ready but now #fck off #just hit with the fact that summer means next year my brother is a senior #and that means he’ll go off to college and god i dont want that like i tell him i hate him but i dont want him to go. i really fckin dont #and now my half-sister is pissing me off bc now they want ti take over our summer vacation to chicago #and my ONE request is that we didnt have to see them. bc i knew theyd take iver #and esp bc i dont want ti deal with their son god their world fuckin revolves around him #like esp after this visit from them i want to send them acords the world far as fuck away from me #im just so sad and angry and im getting overhwlemed and stressed bc i know ill never actually relax or he content this summer #with my job and volenteering and social events like GOD i hatepeople i hate poeople so much im starting to lose it #my brither once said he was going to live in the mountains by himself and god im going to follow him #and my mom was starting to get upset about it with me and tells me my older brother is still depressed hc he hasnt got a job lined up yet #after law school and his depression is already terrible enough for h #and now im sur emy half-sisiter will gossip about my other older brother too bc he was arguing about a game and im sure she’ll say shit bc #she always does to her fucking stupid ass siblings who cut off my dad for no god damn reason like im so PISSED AND UPSET #god im so sorry this is so negative and im just winding myself up #like i feel so emotional and yet so empty bc theres nothing i want to doa nymkre i dont want to try anything or do my hw or anything #like fuck summer #fuck time #fuck people #rant

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stellarspecter · 6 years

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ten page history google doc worksheet to fill in??? fuck no

#did i have most of class to do it? yes #did i do it? no #i saw the page count and expressed the sentiment above #thereby fucking myself over for a bit bc i didn't know we'd be basing a whole project on it #why did i take honors i knew that i dont have a good work ethic #honestly i think the only time im not trying to catch up in class is in the beginning of the year when there's nothing to fuck up #sometimes not even that bc summer hw and shit #literally its the most important year of hs (apparently) why did i take two honors classes for the first time #and why did i get teachers that actually give me an honors workload #last year ms card just made us read the textbook all year #i didn't do half that hw but it didnt matter #fuck man i didn't do a whole essay in that class but it just never showed up on sis #that wont happen again this year dumbass #i cant afford to have an f in english not when thats the field that i'm probably going to go into #but fuck man i sure do #i don't think 'guess i'll die *shruggie*' is the best philosophy for me to be adopting at this point in my life #even if it is how i usually deal with my problems #wow i love ignoring all my problems and only dealing with them in the form of ranting in the tags on a tumblr post!!!#and then having a breakdown a month later bc my parents found out and now i have to do whatever i was avoiding #and i've been so b u s y this month #i haven't been in town for a single weekend all month and i have rehearsals all week #fml #sometimes i don't think i'll ever fix my work ethic #or myself #and i'll never get into a good college and i'll never do anything and i'll never be happy #but all i did is get a bad grade???#i hate the american school system #and now i'm gonna cry #its a cyclical pattern that i'm going to keep going through until theres no more work to not do

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iwannaban0nym0us · 3 years

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Trans Story Time

Ok, I’m going to start from the beginning, December 2019 nearing 2 years ago.

After thinking about it for a couple months I finally told my mom I wanted to cut my hair, not just a trim. I wanted to go from hair all the way down my back to a “boy’s” hair cut. We talked about it a bit figured out how I wanted it cut and set up a hair cut for February break.

At the time I really believed I wanted to cut my hair to make my life easier and it had nothing to do with gender. My first hint that that was wrong should have come when I was so so so happy after I cut it all off. The relief I felt was immense, my smile was so big, that’s one of the happiest photos I have of myself.

Then a month after I cut my hair off COVID hit and my life turned upside down.

In June 2020 a second one of my friends came out as gender queer (another one was out a about year before that, but this one I knew much better then than the first one to come out)

Several months after that and about a year ago now I started to question my gender. I pushed back against it though. I told myself to wait, it’s not like I’m going to come out before collage anyway (because there’s no way a trans kid could play soccer), I might as well wait to question. I told myself I just didn’t like the stereotypes placed on me. I told myself it was normal to hate my boobs it’s not like they’re helpful, they just get in the way. I told myself I was fine with myself yesterday I must be making it up today.

Then, eventually I started to realize that not all of that was true. I changed the story to I’m defiantly cis but she/they is nice online.* I want to bind but cis people can want to bind and cis people don’t like their chest either. Why would anyone like their chest anyway. Often I’m fine like this so I’ve got to be cis. I’m just GNC and queer.

Finally one day I had had enough of this round about questioning and I opened up lgbt wiki and started scrolling through the genders. I found a couple that felt kinda right that afternoon, but then I had to stop and do hw and get sleep and stuff. The next day none of labels I picked out felt quite as right as they had and totally new gender fit best. Throughout that week I kept scrolling through genders and thinking about my gender each day and by the end of the week I was thinking ‘I’m genderfluid’.

Then in May one of my friends (who I’m now dating and was the first in our friend group to come out as trans) found my tumblr, and figured out my gender through it. I still remember that night so vividly—there are only 2 other things I can think of that can compare to how stressed I was that night, one of them is when I talked that friend down from suicide and the other is the most stressful school presentation I have ever given (neither of these are quite right but they both help capture the feeling).

After the initial shock had worn off we messaged a little and I basically said I’m still figuring shit out and I want you not to tell anyone else about this and to basically ignore it yourself.

Slowly over the summer I opened up more and more as I got more confidence in myself and figured myself out more. I still held onto the idea that I wasn’t going to come out to anyone until collage (and I stupidly defended this with the thought that if I came out I’d have to quit soccer—which is not true, look up ‘Quinn Canada soccer’ if you don’t believe me). I let my friend use they/them and he/him pronouns for me and I let my friend call me Blair. Eventually my friend was helping me pick a new name and I was talking openly with vaer about gender.

On the first day of school I was finally ready to come out to someone for real. Remember that genderqueer friend, the second one to come out in the friend group, yeah well they’ve been my really good friend since 5th grade. They were the person I picked, since they’re trans and someone I trust. And it went really well when I came out. I pulled my friend aside at lunch and told them and they were so happy for me and supportive.

Over the next week I slowly came out to my friends, a couple people at a time, pretty casually until I finally worked up the nerve to come out to the whole chat not long after another friend did. My friends all were supper supportive and started using my names and pronouns immediately but also made sure not to out me.

Like a week after that I came out to my parents (on a Thursday) and then against my parents wishes I came out to my grade with my chosen name over the weekend and my teachers the next Monday/Tuesday. My parents were pretty good about the whole ‘I’m not a girl’ thing but hated all of my chosen names and refused to use them.

I’ve been out to my parents for about 2 months now and they’re finally really using my chosen name and this week they gave me permission to change my name in the school system.

I went from denying my gender because I wasn’t going to come out before collage, to being an out and proud genderfluid person a month into this school year (which is not my senior year). I’ve come so far, I still have a few steps to go before I’m fully out but man have I made sooooo much progress. I am so much happier and content with my life and gender now then I was a year ago when i was deep in the depths of questioning and denial.

I”M SO FUCKING PROUD OF MYSELF

To any other gender questioning kids out there I’ve 2 pieces of advice for you;

1. Embrace the questioning, the longer you put it off the more it eats you up inside, it’s so much better to know, even if you don’t tell anyone.

2. It gets better, I know you hear this everywhere, but it really does, if you haven’t already you will find people who will support you and see you for the real you. You just need to take that first step, when you feel ready come out to that one friend, the one you know will support you and go from there.

*I’m not saying that cis people can’t use she/they, it’s just that that wasn’t true for me

#me #genderfluid #gender #trans #transgender #queer #nonbinary #genderfluid pride #coming out story #processing gender #gender questioning #enby #suicide mention

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hematomes · 2 years

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*sips tea loudly* *my hands are shaking*

ced..... ... . the kiwi,,, fur? you ate. kiwi fur?.

the fact that i do not feel nearly as much disgust as i should must show how far gone i am for you huh. n e ways.

YOU are calling ME a deity? you, the sun incarnate? you, the personification of an early summer morning? you, a painting of cotton candy clouds on the backdrop of a sunset in June? i said i write poetry and i. haven't written anything in Months but i might just write a poem about you.

the wind outside is picking up and i think i heard a neighbor curse as they locked the window. my heart right now is a thunderstorm. i will have to tell my mother i fell for a (kiwi fur eating) sun god.

alright, dramatic reverie aside, i hope you get to see your mom soon<3 im glad your relationship with her is so good, I think I know where you got your sweetness from. you're so just so cute and lovable! you'll feel better soon im sure<3

sweet angel ced is nice but feral bad boy ced could be a concept too🤔

ahh tbh i hadn't even considered the whole end-of-the-year thing. I keep forgetting it's december</3 strength to the both of us! we'll tough it all out💪🏽 especially since you sent me your good vibes, im sure it'll all turn out alright<3

the character big 3 is gonna take some time though! i have some Thoughts but im already too busy ignoring doing hw so,, we'll see

ah, my tea is finished. and the rain calmed down. if you just say the word, i bet we'll have clear weather next morning.

~soup

listen i have a dark past ok i. yeah

thanks for accepting me anyway

nghfrrnzkd sorry if my answer's not rly thorough im kind of using it to stop feeling like shit for a sec bc you do save the day every time <3 however st o p and accept the fact that you look ethereal smh

bad boy ced im crying this is both amazing and extremely cursed ngl

hope the hw is going well!!! praying we do get some clear weather bc im tired of standing in the rain like a heartbroken second lead character

ps. may i be a usual attention whore and request a hug

#soup anon! 🤍

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softer-ua · 4 years

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I have to laugh anytime someone says that Midoriya wanting to be friends with his bully is unrealistic. I’m best friends with my hs bully, and it’s a 100% less realistic story than Deku and Kacchan fixing their relationship. They have history and a genuine layer of care and admiration under everything that has consistently kept them orbiting each other their entire lives.

Their story makes total sense, mine, well

But I’m gonna break it down for everyone so y’all can get some prospective for what an actual outlandish story looks like and then you’ll be free to run with any hc you want because you know what crazy really looks like

Apparently me and this guy were kinda of friends in 8th grade through a mutual friend, but I completely forgot who they were over summer break and that mutual friend moved away.

Cue them getting very upset about this but never confronting me or anyone else about it

Everyone thinks we’re still friends

Instead of addressing this problem they get revenge by taking advantage of my hyper sensitive startle response(I scream and jump out of my skin when others might only flinch if anything) and he does this like 3 times a day

I’m a stubborn asshole and refuse to acknowledge they even exist outside of those interactions, and I mean I don’t know this guy who keeps jump scaring me and I’m not about even bother. Idc that we have 3 classes together, he might as well be dead for as much as I acknowledge him

Well now he’s tossing pencils and other shit so I’ve gotta notice him

Now I’m real mad so I dub him satan and refuse to learn his actual name and try to ignore him harder, anyone who tries to talk to me about him gets a “bitch, who?? Literally never heard of them.”

Another fun fact about me is that I am for whatever reason bless with the ability to never get in trouble, I was constantly late, never did my hw, broke dress code, played on my phone, sat in on other classes, left campus, and basically did whatever tf I wanted while no teacher paid me any mind, but if other kids so much as breathed wrong they lived in detention

He is the only one not in my close friend group who notices this pattern, and he’s also the only person who has been on the other side of my temper. Everyone else thinks “she’s a goody twoshoe, all the teachers love her, she’s never broken a rule, and she’s so quiet and sweet”.

Now on top of everything else every time we pass each other hes like “I hate you”

And I the Queen of Ignorance and am like “Why?? There’s something very wrong with you.” And then ignore him some more

We do this for 4 fucken years, and at this point neither of us even really remember how it started this just how we live our lives. Me stubbornly ignoring his existence(while also low key obsessing, because wtf is this dude’s issue??) and him doing what he can to not let that happen. It’s a mess

We graduate and have very little contact other than texting here and there(like I said, we a mess)

Well Halloween rolls around and me and my roommate are planning to go to a rave out of town. I’ve got a costume and a hotel room all set, then a friend(who I was low key crushing on) that we’ve been planning to meet there doesn’t have a ride for him and his buddy so I’m like “hop in with us!”

Turns out! The friend is the guy I’ve been beefing with for 4 years !

Well he’s understandably shocked I’d agree to this so he calls me to confirm this, and I’m like “sure, idgf” but really I just love a mess because I can’t stand being bored and this insures I will not be bored regardless if the raves any actual fun. And I want his friend to be there even if it means put up with him

Side note, this call happens in the middle of me hanging out with my roommate…who is getting their vag waxed by his moms best friend(gotta love small towns)

A few days later we’re all in my car taking a 2 hour drive, we get to the rave and almost immediately lose our mutual friend to another group(I’m all disappointed because I look super cute as a sexy little devil and the guy I like left to go do drugs).

Now it’s just me, my roommate, and the ex bully. So we do the only thing that makes sense, we leave the rave and go to a strip club for several hours.

It’ll officially be 6 years of fantastic friendship this Halloween, we’re now known as the brain twins because of how in sync we are and I love him more than life itself, seriously he is my best friend in the entire world and I’d be lost without him. Relationships are fucken weird, and fact is 100% stranger than fiction. Enjoy the wildest hc you want, literally anything is possible !

#bullying #enemies to friends #head canons #kacchan #mha deku #bnha #deku x kacchan #my hero academia #fandom #long story short #reality is weird #rave #halloween #friendship

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movedkagen · 4 years

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NATSUO TODOROKI STUDY / MASTERPOST .

This is also mostly ripped from discord so if it’s choppy that’s why ---

TRIGGER WARNINGS : DOMESTIC ABUSE, CHILD ABUSE, LOSS OF A SIBLING, ANGER ISSUES, BODY PERCEPTION ISSUES.

Natsuo is loyal. Literally he loves his family so much. like between natsuo and fuyumi, fuyumi has the stronger quirk 100%. Natsuo HAS an ice quirk but he can only freeze things that fit into the palm of his hand...so all he does is make the cola nice and cold before his siblings drink it.

So Natsuo wants to be a family practice doctor and he wants to do outreach work. Pretty much his coping mechanism with being ignored and hating being home is he threw himself really hard into studies, and just did his HW all night in his room. To tune out the yelling anf the negligence. He got good enough grades where he got into University of Tokyo which is good but like basically he almost didn't go bc like.

his relationship w enji is nonexistent. He was an immediate failure in his eyes, he literally SAID enji didn't look him in the eye ever until recently....he never rly saw him or hung around him. and then like. by the time touya was starting to rly get shit / by the time he was "dead" and shouto got burned and rei got sent away natsuo was only five or so. So to Natsuo? enji was just the guy who lived in his house and ruined his life basically. he hated him. he didn't love him at all. He’s hated him since he was a small child. NATSUO WILL NEVER FORGIVE ENJI AND HAS NO DESIRE TO.

Me and Inad have discussed it but because fuyumi is the only girl, Natsuo is the true middle child. The one who was never looked at or spoken to by Enji. And FUCK ENDEAVOR STANS for saying otherwise, but natsuo ISN’T “the only child who wasn’t abused” or the one who “should be the least angry”. Negligence IS child abuse.

As a kid, Natsuo had a stutter. He acted like a baby for a long time. He was also chubby as a kid -- ate a lot to cope. He was always bigger than Touya, and it continues into adulthood --- Natsuo is now. thick / buff. He was a chubby kid growing up, but now he works out and has muscle however he still also stress eats bc premed is hard and gains like 15 pounds during the school year, then loses it during breaks. it's just the way his body is. This is relevant because Natsuo does have extremely low self esteem -- he thinks he’s very plain looking, that his body is big and awkward and ugly (I have him as growing to be 6′6″ at his full height, taller than Enji), and it all stems from Enji’s negligence. At his core, because of his father, Natsuo believes there is absolutely nothing special about him and that physically and personally he is a worthless person.

Natsuo has anger issues unfortunately (as we’ve seen) but does judo to let it out. tbh he storms out of the house a lot because he doesn’t want fuyumi to see him fucking lose it.

me and inad discussed this but but natsuo HAS put a hole in the wall before and Like he was maybe 15 when that happened. it scared the shit out of fuyumi and he felt so upset he literally like. ran away for two days and when he came back he cried rly hard and promised she would never see him lose his temper like that again, so he storms out so she doesn't see him angry. It was the summer before he started high school and as soon as he got into high school he started getting into judo and joined the club for it and that's been his outlet ever since. And whenever he storms out of the house it’s to go do that. He's ashamed of reminding her of endeavor somehow. he knows he’s got enji’s hairstyle and body type, and that contributes to why he hates his appearance so much.

The reason he never brings his S/O around his house is honestly that... he doesn’t like himself when he’s home. ppl love 2 say natsuo has the least right to be mad because enji didn't "abuse him" but don't realize negligence is abuse. it's literally classified as abuse. he was literally born thinking his dad felt he was a disappointment to the point where he didn't talk to him or let him talk to his youngest brother and it HAS an effect on him. natsuo has a lot of self perception issues, he thinks he's ugly and he panics if he doesn't do things perfectly in school and just. is very easily made to feel inferior and puts himself down. he doesn't consider himself special at all. He believes he lacks intrinsic worth as a human being.

Natsuo only went to college after his sister told him to go and do what he wanted to do…I promise you he was going to not go at all and was going to stay home with her until she told him she wanted him to go. BECAUSE natsuo doesn't rly consider enji a member of the family at all, natsuo has this goofy lil quirk where he thinks he's the "man of the house" even tho he asks fuyumi for help with basic things!!! most of the time it's funny but it's honestly just him being protective of her. And natsuo does cope with some perceptions of toxic masculinity --- he’s NOT abusive at all himself, but he’s goofy in the sense that he thinks he has to be the New man of the house, has to take care of his sister, has to never cry or show weakness, all because he’s male.

ENJI TAKES NO PART IN PAYING FOR NATSUO’S TUITION. He doesn’t even agree to go until Fuyumi insists she will use her own money to pay for it, and Natsuo works and studies because he wants to pay her back for every cent someday. Endeavor DOES NOT EVEN KNOW natsuo’s current address or which exact school he attends. natsuo wants it that way, but it’s also important to note that Enji never bothered asking.

Honestly Natsuo and Fuyumi probably argue a lot about endeavor, But that’s okay because they still love each other. Natsuo knows fuyumi puts everyone above herself and rly wants her to be happy, which is why.......frankly.....he’s glad kenta barreled into their lives. Because he’s like this is something Just For Her and I hope she likes him and it works out.

continuing on natsuo hates heroes and he hates his dad and frankly if he had a strong enough quirk he would have probably become like dabi. he really would have and he truly hates endeavor that much.

sb: so u agree with stain? natsuo: idk i just want someone to kill my dad.

Natsuo doesn't forgive endeavor, doesn't fuck with him, and blames him for everything that went wrong in his family. He honestly wants him to die! and he HATES the hero industry bc a literal monster like his father is praised and rewarded and they HELPED COVER UP TOUYA'S DEATH!!!!

and like with natsuo + touya.... time for pain. “Touya told me everything” / “I still hear his voice constantly” ... i think about those quotes always every time i think of natsuo. natsuo was the closest with touya and I truly believe that. He loved him more than anything . He really loved touya so much and he never got over losing him.

kinda like inad hcs fuyumi saw shouto in the kitchen, i think natsuo saw touya last bc the way he describes touya telling him.... natsuo is shaking when he says it like. That shit traumatized him. And he’s just so angry. He did not leave touya. They had to PRY NATSUO OFF OF HIM. Because natsuo is loyal.

like me and inad hc that fuyumi wouldn’t tell Natsuo where rei was for years because she knew even at 9 years old, he would have snuck on a bus to see her. Natsuo is so loyal to his family he loves them so much. He would have done anything for them. He wouldn’t have left Touya. He wouldn't have let touya go without him there. Not anywhere he couldn’t follow. Not even as a child.

and natsuo would NEVER be able to juxtapose that dabi isn't touya. I think the first time he saw Touya he would know but it wouldn’t be like. An instant look. He’s probably seen clips of some of the shit he’s done on tape and it’s always given him this unsettling feeling. But then he looks in his eyes...and he knows his eyes.

I always picture it like Natsuo forgetting however dangerous the surrounding is and chasing after him, he doesn’t even know why he’s running; he knows he wouldn’t stand a chance against him. But he sounds like a child again when he says “Touya?”. He sounds like the annoying, chubby little brother that followed him everywhere. And yeah, he would simply need that confirmation that Touya is alive to take his side because he knows more than fuyumi did. Simply seeing him alive again, and I think he’d know EXACTLY what Dabi wanted to do with Enji.

Dabi trying to scare Natsuo and Natsuo just “Touya cut it out talk to me” / “Touya I’m on your side” and it’s because Natsuo could never EVER see Dabi as a monster once he knows it’s Touya. I don’t think he could ever feel fear based simply on the fact that he loved him that much. Touya was his favorite sibling he followed him around like a puppy and copied everything he did.

Touya is the sibling he was closest to and i think the same in reverse since Natsuo is the one Touya vented to. I think fuyumi was probably really shocked when they were kids and Natsuo would suddenly say he hated enji. that he wished he was dead. She’d gasp and be like "Natsuo!"

But he’s HATED HIS GUTS since he was a little kid. He didn’t grow to resent him either. He basically didn’t care about him/was afraid of him when he was super super young, but the moment touya’s quirk didn’t work out and he was like what, 7-10? I’d say like 7 or 8 when shit started just Not Working. Natsuo was probably 4 or 5 when his own quirk manifested and was weak. Had this initial “why doesn’t dad like me” phase, but Touya just told him once something endeavor did to him or why his skin is starting to scar, and Natsuo instantly went from fear to hate. There was no build he simply hated him from that moment on. That’s how loyal he is!

He said he hated endeavor for the first time when he was five, but anyway i think a lot abt how natsuo like.... has the least ties w them all. That's why I say he’s a true middle child because he doesn’t have anything he’s good at that binds him to the family or makes him especially important to anyone. Like...he CARES about and loves shouto of course but i think if fuyumi weren't there natsuo wouldnt be in the picture at all. He just wouldn’t talk to them. Especially before he started talking to shouto? Absolutely. After now that he talks to him he would definitely stay to hang around him but before?

unfortunately because enji KEPT SHOUTO AWAY FROM THEM i think about how natsuo probably had what inasa felt where he saw shouto's eyes and saw endeavor and like. kept up that distance because of the trauma (tm) and i think when shouto got some friends and got out the house he tried talking to natsuo and natsuo was like "wait...me? you're...talking to me?" and like as soon as shouto started trying to talk to him he was rly receptive and was like shit i have 15 yrs of info to catch up on.

but i rly think that's their relationship bc he literally didn't even know what kinda food shouto liked until now?? but he loves himand has become instantly very protective of him and once again things that because he’s the big brother he HAS to teach him things and be his “positive figure” and frankly I think shouto feels a little thrill whenever natsuo openly shittalks their father because out of all of them natsuo IS the one who hates him the most openly.

#* HOWL » saved.#OK THIS IS THE OTHER ONE.

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tsukidotcom · 4 years

Text

Haikyuu HC to COVID-19 (Karasuno edition)

This is horrible 💀 im just so bored so I made whatever this mess is KFJSJDMSK enjoy

Hinata Shouyou

huh? isn’t it just the flu?

“No, hinata. People have died from it-“

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-

goes bananas

whenever someone sneezes or coughs, his soul leaves his body as he runs away to sanitize/wash his hands for a miserably long time.

eats an expired can of peaches thinking it’s his last resort

lowkey happy school is closed because homework sucks

but also highkey hates it because now all volleyball tournaments are closed

then gets all angry when he realizes he’d have to do online school???!!?? like wtf he got jipped.

thinks they could still do volleyball if they did online calls cus if the school can do it,, then vOLLEYBALL CAN

will probably miss half of the class calls from oversleeping/forgetting anyway.

sheepishly ask yamaguchi, yachi or tsukishima for help on assignments/notes. (he will NEVA ask kageyama. he’s always in competition with him here!)

still practices volleyball 24/7 in his backyard or room (maybe even with his baby sister??)

He’s really good at practicing all by himself from practicing all alone in middle school—

but will probably go crazy being alone all the time with his family. he just wants to play volleyball with the team again.

looks up “what to do when you’re bored” or “what to do at home while in quarantine” on youtube

Kageyama Tobio

probably says he’s immune to the corona because he’s just better than everyone else

doesn’t really think it’s real until school shut down because of it

When he sees that corona is airborne he wont know what that means so he’d probably think it’s produced by air itself?? which makes him think air is trying to kill the human race?? and will be so confused as to why it decided to pop up now???

DESPISES online school. He had enough trouble understanding it from the gecko, so now he has to learn it basically all by hiMSELF?!?

And no way is he just gona email the teacher for help. If he does it’s gonna be only once in his lifetime. Anymore than that he thinks he’s doin too much. He doesn��t want his teachers thinking he’s dumb 😭

he says literally nothing during the calls he just tries to pay attention? and fails because he’s on a computer. in his room. alone. he’s bound to daze off or stare at a pen for 5 minutes.

Obvi still practices volleyball. Very much misses it. At least Hinata had his sibling to practice with him. tobio is a lone wolf in his household.

When his mom goes out to get groceries he gives her one of those doctor masks so she doesn’t catch corona.

Few moments later through the internet he realizes that corona is smaller than air molecules so if you can breathe through something you could still get it so he struggles for an hour thinking he just killed his mother

When his mom is back he keeps his distance in case she’s carrying the plague

omg did she just cough or am i imagining things no she definitely coughed she has corona oh oh god

In reality she was just clearing her throat.

is lowkey worrying about everyone and how they are 🥺 (yes, maybe even hinata).

thinks he’s science smart by calling it covid-19 than corona.

Asahi Azumane

He just worries about everyones health

like he just imagines the worst case scenario’s and starts to get really worried if people got it. Always checks on everyone and asks if they’re feeling any symptoms of corona ❤️

He’s either not gonna get it or he gets it and dies there’s no inbetween

but he’s jesus himself so theres no way he nor anyone in his bloodline can get it

is very happy to know that dogs can’t get it.

Takes online school seriously and tries his best

And is honestly so sad school just ended??? even if it’s temporary, he could be learning, playing volleyball, and going about his day instead of staying in a cage. he’s a third year so—how would graduation even go..?

always is up to date on the news !! and notifies everyone if anything important is added/changed.

Always tells everyone to stay safe! Whether through text or before ending a call.

only buys a lot of toilet paper from the fear of there being no toilet paper in stock since evERYONE IS BUYING IT-

Starts to try new hobbies that he put off for the longest time cus quarentine is rlly getting to him.

Is all out a family guy so he doesn’t mind the extra time with his family.

Nishinoya Yu

OAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA

420 blazin’

thinks going outside means you’re instantly gonna die from corona attacking your white blood cells (????)

but also probably doesnt care as he goes outside like everyday to run around and get rid of energy (and to practice volleyball, of course).

also why is it called white blood cells when blood is red ☠️ smh

Buys 101611018320129 bags of chips because that’s his comfort food

yay more gaming time!!!

Noya🐒: Tanaka do u wana play minecraft 2getr latr?

Tanaka🍌: HELL YEAH!!

doesn’t shower for three days straight because screw personal hygiene!! No more school!!! Can do whatever he wanted!! It’s basically summer!!!

until he’s forced to do online school.

Is def the class clown. Probably somehow kicks the teacher out of the call through a little bit of hacking.

“alright guys so i’ll be you’re substitute teacher for the day-“

tbh acts the same as he would in school. maybe a little more rebellious because, i mean, what is the teacher gonna do? send him to DETENTION? call his mOMMY?

Calls/spams literally everyone in his contacts because he’s so bored and lonely. Answer him!! Y’all will be on facetime for hours!!

He’s fun to facetime.

Will call you a loser if you don’t have an apple iPhone because then he can’t facetime you and facetiming is one of his favorite things to do to pass time (besides gaming)

HE A TRUE GAMER

Okay but he lowkey still tries at school for the sake of his grades and his future ;-; maybe calls asahi or sugawara for help??

always looks up his homework on the internet to see if he can get an answer key or something (he did that anyway even before corona but)

will do one subject for 3 hours thinking he’s finally done with everythinf till he realizes he has like 4 other subjects and needs to do those too.

Sending memes all the time

Tsukishima Kei

oh, what about corona again?

honestly could give NO fucks??. like ABSOLUTELY ZERO. nonxistent.

doesn’t even remember it’s still happening half the time.

is surprisingly very knowledgeable about corona.

he’s just smart and sciency¿ so he understands the ins and outs of corona like how it works and how its spread.

so if you tRULY want any update or background info on the corona virius, ask Tsukishima.

bitch don’t touch me you have rabies.

doesn’t care that he’s obligated to stay at home because he would have stayed either way. he very much likes being alone.

might go a little crazy cooped up in his room so he’ll hang with his brother/family or go outside before he says ‘okay that’s enough’ and goes back to his room.

isolation? oh okay *puts on headphones*

he rlly gonna be rocking it out in his room cus he can listen to music all day any day

developes a really bad sleep schedule since he had no way to get rid of the energy he got rid of at school.

still a huge tease so he says everyone has the corona virius.

is never online on social media which means he’s never up to date with his frIENDS. Doesn’t have a clue what those dipshits are doing and could care less (besides yamaguchi,, they probably facetime or call thru skype or something).

I bet the whole volleyball squad has a groupchat and honestly he puts all notifs on mute cus his phone keep goin DING DING DING DI DING ID DID IDKNG DING DIG

Brother: Omg why are you getting so many text messages?

Tsukki: Shut up

if he is online on the gc and he texts it would be simple replies like “Hi” “Okay.” “No.” “Goodbye.” and then he’s gone for another week

every first year is begging on their knees for tsukishima to give the answers or help them out and he obviously says: go do the hw yourselves idiots

besides yamaguchi!!!! again!! cus theyre gay for each other

maybe practices once in awhile with his brother or alone in his backyard but he doesn’t care

Tanaka Ryuunosuke

buys 101817 pounds of toilet paper because everyone else is? but not because of the same reason as asahi. he thinks toilet paper is the cure to corona.

GO STUPID AAAAAAAAA GO CRAZY AAAAAAAAAAA-

probably has a part time job at a grocery store so he still has to go to work 😭 i dont even know how he could have a job in the first place he’s probably always late-

still gamin with noya of course

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM IM PLAYING MINECRAFTT

also buys like all the junk food thats in stock. and since he works at the grocery store he gets a ton of coupons and deals.

texts Kiyoko everyday goodmorning ❤️❤️❤️ and goodnight 😘😘 texts just to be left on read.

“i love it when she ignores me !!!”

scrolls through tiktoks for 1000 hours to pass time

School Is For Losers!!

similar to noya, he thought it was basicaly summer until he realized they were gonna be doing online school. literally had a fit and said he didnt wanna do jack squAt

Laughs so hard when nishinoya somehow kicks the teacher out of the call he’s like laughing so loud and hard he starts crying

all of the sudden has a better view on school

gets excited when he sees nishinoya on the call

makes funny and ugly ass faces when the teacher isn’t looking. everyone laughs and the teacher’s like 🤨

probably uses the green screen effect so he can change hus background (somehow) and accidentally misclicks a file so a girl wit a bikini becomes his background for .5 seconds before changing it to a cursed meme:

doesn’t get half the shit the teacher is talking about

but it’s okay because the half he doesn’t get is the other half noya gets

and the half noya doesnt get is the orher half tanaka gets

they’re two peas in a pod 🥰

until they try explaining it to each other and suddenly get confused?? mental malfunction ¿?

yeah im SMART!!!

s -

m -

a -

r - penis

t -

Daichi Sawamura

quite calm about the whole coronavirus

like he knows it is serious and understands how it is spread but he’s still calm about it??

tells everyone to sanitize and wash hands on a regular. and social distancing!!

honestly still wakes up like he does on normal school days and does all his academics just fine.

he even does gym activities (besides volleyball) for 30 minutes to an hour!!!! he be running on that treadmil! getting stronk!

does each subject on his own for 20-40 min each day. he’s really good at self discipline

makes sure sugawara and asahi are up to date on school work and will gladly help.

sadly can’t help the first years (and probably second years) because that info is deep in his brain and basically forgot how to do it after a year or two of not using it.

VERY VERY VERY sad that volleyball nationals are cut off. this is his last year and for it to be??? gone??? just because of some flu?!?! hates it.

he wishes school to go back and still has hope that school will go back to normal in a couple of weeks (even though it’s a slim chance).

asks the teacher questions whenever he has questions. He’s also vv considerate so he’ll ask questions he knows the answer to but asks them for anyone who’s confused ab it/wants to ask but is too shy. (literally i lov daichi sm)

Eats a healthy amount of everything

asks asahi for any updates on corona even though he’s quite up to date himself. he just wanna make sure he didn’t miss anything.

also doesn’t mind being around his family. he’ll do more chores around the house to help his parents out :> he’s literally perfect wtf

def does worry about everyone in the volleyball gc and anyone else he has contact with. Will also email classmates and ask if they’re doing all right. Even away from volleyball he’s a team player ☺️✌️

Is happy for the rest of the day when asahi tells him dogs can’t get corona.

Yamaguchi Tadashi

oaoaiquqhdkoaiaagadjsiwi?

doesn’t know what to believe anymore

keeps in touch with everyone!! always online 24/7 on social media, vball gc, you name it.

Literally everyone is acting so normal why are people so calm am i the only one worrying about this and the worlds future like this year has been really bad so far for not just me but the whole nation actually the entire world honestly like war almost broke out in january and now this corona stuff is really buttering my crissont the wrong way-

Even though tsukishima literally gives No Fucks, yamaguchi is the complete opposite.

like tsukki and yamaguchi call on skype and eVERY TIME yamaguchi starts with ‘how have you been? do you feel sick at all? have you drank enough water today?’ and so on

“What are you even worrying about?”

“Well...what if you get the corona virius?... it can be deadly, you know!! Thousands of people have died from it!!! The fact school is shutting down and people are panicking is making me feel like i should be panicking-“

Tsukki will then snarkily reassure him it’s fine and people their age are the least likely to get it bad.

Yamaguchi will feel a little better afterwords

“Thank you, Tsukki!”

Tsukki will ‘tch’ it off

Even though he gets really good grades he has triuble finding motivation to do any school work?? doing school work in his own home? 😐

His home was kinda a place he can chill whereas school is a place he can be fully focused

but now his home is ALSO school??!!?

Luckily he understands the work, at least.

When he sees tsukishima on the call, too, he instantly says hello.

“Tsukki!! Hey!! 😁”

“Shut up.”

“Gomen, Tsukki.”

Yeah. Even when they aren’t at school, he’s still the same as always.

He takes extra care of his family and always stays in touch with other relatives. Especially grandpa and grandma. THE SECOND he learned elderly people are at more risk you bet your ass he’s calling them making sure they’re okay. He checks up on them everyday now.

He peobably practices volleyball a little, too. He’s more focused on schoolwork though.

Sugawara Koushi

Have you guys ate dinner yet? 🥺

obviously checking up on everyone

he would fail as a mother if he didn’t.

Actually reads in his free time?? He finally has time on his hands to read these books so.... here we are!

Wakes up at a scheduled time everyday (minus weekends. Maybe sleeps for an extra hour or so).

He dresses in pjs rather than actual clothes because he’s not going anywhere with this social distancing thing.

Always tries to lighten the mood when all the students are on the online call. Maybe crack some joke or innocently play around with the effects.

He still pays close attention in class and does quite well on his own. No help from his parents! He can do everything on his own! He a big boi!

Does homework really well, too. Probably does extra work or more work than needed just because it makes him feel good afterwords.

Honestly i can see him cooking in his free time. If he doesnt feel like reading or scrolling mindlessly through his phone, he gonna cook.

Will make the best cookies in the universe.

HAS A HECK OF A SWEET TOOTH. NOT A DAY GOES BY WITHOUT HIM GETTING HIS PRETTY HANDS ON SUM TREAT

Honestly isn’t too good with exercise so he might gain a few pounds or grow the smallest chub 🥺🥺🥺 he would be so cute omfg.

is realy involved with his family!! they play a board/card game every friday night and have the best time.

if he has a dog, cat, or literally any animal you know he’s gona be hanging with them since he has more time.

Still! Playing! Volleyball! I mean by now every boy is practicing at least a little bit. He would probably be in his backyard playing volleyball with his family. Theyy’d set up a net and everythin! They’re all rookies at it but he still cherishes the moments with them.

It’s honestly still practice. Better than nothing

He talks about how his family plays volleyball and everyone is so jealous like 😭😭 makes him more grateful hearing half the volleyball team saying they have to practice alone.

Watching youtube videos of random videos/vines making him giggling.

“Hey, Dachi, look at this video.”

IS A SWEETHEART STFU !!!

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kissthehydra · 4 years

Text

ADHD talk

Ok. So I got tested for ADHD this summer and the psychologist concluded that I didn’t have ADHD; I scored really well on the tests, and my executive disfunction and inattention were attributed to my anxiety and depression (which were moderate-severe at the time). I didn’t know what to expect for the results, so I didn’t have a strong reaction to hearing my diagnosis, but I also felt unsatisfied that some of my behaviors were still unexplained. I’m very analytical and overthink everything. I can’t just accept that I am experiencing something, I have to know what triggered it and why I responded the way I did. (I took CBT a little too hard.) But I got a job and then the semester started again so I didn’t think too much on it.

Anyway, I have a new therapist (who’s given me some of the most effective advice/hw for dealing with anxiety and depression) and after a few months she mentioned the possibility of me having ADHD. I bring her a condensed copy of my ADHD testing results for her the next week. She goes straight to my scores. She notes that my scores range from high above average to average. She looks at me and says something along the lines of:

“I’m not saying the psychologist that did the testing isn’t qualified or misdiagnosed you, but it’s possible that a different psychologist might have interpreted the variability of your results as indicative of ADHD.”

Well, shit.

Time to do some research.

I do some extensive searches on adult ADHD. I pull up some academic papers, some study abstracts, and some web articles. Some of my findings that freaked me out a bit:

adult-onset ADHD is often under-diagnosed, especially in women, since adults experience ADHD differently than children (child-onset ADHD symptoms are used to diagnose ADHD in adults)

I can relate to many descriptions of what it’s like to have ADHD, such as difficulty paying attention to things that bore me, struggling to “just do it”, can’t be inactive (I can sit still in a chair as long as I can do something with my hands. I’ve been pulling out my hair since I was like 8 years old and have been picking my skin for about three years. Fidget toys are helpful to me. If I’m just standing I need to be moving. I’m always kind of dancing)

in people with ADHD, achievement does not necessarily correspond with intelligence or skill (always 100% in-class participation, did well on most tests with little effort in middle and high school, usually learn new material/skills quickly, but I don’t get the best grades. I’ll ignore homework or forget about deadlines. I often feel that others get more recognition for things I can do. I can write a really good essay...if I ever get around to it.)

if a child has a good support system and is well-engaged as a child, ADHD symptoms may not be evident or debilitating until adolescence or adulthood, when the kid’s lifestyle and social interactions are forced to change (like in high school and college). Life changes can have huge impacts on people with ADHD. (The majority of my freshman year of college was me wondering why I couldn’t function like my peers. My anxiety and depression came back strong. mental health deteriorated, ended taking a medical leave.)

Adults with ADHD are often diagnosed with another psychiatric disorder before they are diagnosed with ADHD.

There’s quite a bit more. But I’ll leave it at that.

Prior to my ADHD testing, I never really thought I had ADHD. Looking back on my childhood, I didn’t think there was much to point in that direction: I did well in elementary and middle school, if the subject wasn’t boring or required a lot of work I could focus no problem, never had behavioral issues, I got along with everyone and could talk to adults no problem, good at math and reasoning, I could “sit still”.

However, there are some things that I experienced as a child and still experience now: I am a deity-level procrastinator (took me a full year to finish an incomplete college class, I barely passed with a D), I get bored easily (I have so many hobbies and can’t stick with one for too long), organization and task execution is not a strong suit, even if I clean up, my spaces never stay neat and tidy for long, when I was a kid, I’d take my time to do things, and, often, a very long time, I start a lot of things or become interested in new things, but quickly leave them for other things, I’m super distractible, if I’m standing unengaged, such as in a line, I can’t stand still, if I don’t have reminders and a calendar, there’s a high chance I’ll forget about it, I zone out a lot—daydreaming or overthinking, being idle makes me anxious, I somehow have a lot of energy (according to people around me) even when I don’t feel that I do (this manifests as physical movement or being very vocal), I try to tell people things when they are in the middle of an activity that requires their attention (such as parking, speaking on the phone, texting, working, etc.) I’m better about it now, but sometimes still struggle a bit or get irritated when people don’t give me attention, I get really restless sometimes, time management? who is she?....

Just wanted to share this in the hopes that someone might read and have some insight. Or just moral support. I don’t really know what to think, and I don’t know how a different diagnosis might affect my life. I guess I’m just trying to figure myself out. What are your thoughts? Experiences?

Thanks for reading.

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massmurdera · 5 years

Text

2018 best (and some worst)

2018 was the shittiest year of my life personally and I was a trainwreck almost instantly. I was real hopeful going in, but I got my heart broken as badly as I could get (and it somehow just kept getting worse). Ugh. It’s boring to articulate, but it was a never-ending Russian nesting doll of heartbreak, disappointment, and frustration. But I made more positive changes in the last 12 months than I did in the last 12 years. So that’s something.

TV Funniest go-to show: Desus and Mero (wish they didn’t go on hiatus when they left for Showtime) Favorite shows: 1) Big Mouth 2) Atlanta 3) Killing Eve 4) Bodyguard 5) Haunting of Hill House

Other shows I enjoyed: American Vandal; Homecoming; Americans; GLOW; Better Call Saul; Succession; Cobra Kai; Kominsky Method; Corporate Meh: Barry; Sharp Objects; Who Is America?; Daredevil Favorite Comedy specials: 1) Rory Scovel 2) Bert Kreischer 3) John Mulaney

MOVIES 4 ½ stars: Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse; Sorry to Bother You 4 stars: Quiet Place; Hereditary; Mission Impossible: Fallout; Blackkklansman; Deadpool 2 3 ½ stars: To All the Boys…; Incredibles 2; Game Night; Revenge 3 stars (solid rental): Game Night; Upgrade; Revenge; Ant-Man; Hold the Dark 2 ½ stars (OK rental): Black Panther; Avengers Meh: Love Simon; Support the Girls Probably Good but bored the shit out of me: Roma; First Reformed; Eighth Grade Hated: Mandy; Ballad of Buster Scruggs

STILL NEED TO SEE: Bad Times at El Royale; Bodied; Creed 2; Death of Stalin; Favourite; First Man; Free Solo; Green Book; Halloween; If Beale Street Could Talk; Minding the Gap; Solo; Star is Born; Vice; Widows

MUSIC Favorite Records: 1) Brian Fallon-‘Sleepwalkers’ 2) Story So Far-‘Proper Dose’

1975 has great songs but they have too much filler in their records. Damn good songs: Foxing-‘Nearer My God’; Wonder Years-‘Pyramids of Salt’; Thrice-‘Beyond the Pines’ PODCASTS Favorite Podcasts personally: -Filmdrunk Frotcast (Movies/comedy) -Dollop (history PLUS comedy) -Bill Burr’s Monday Morning Podcast (one-man rant from the best comic alive) -Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend (comedy + conversations) -Rewatchables (Movies/comedy) -Bill Simmons (conversations) -Pardon My Take (sports + comedy) -Chapo Trap House (leftist politics + comedy) -Press Box (media)

Intercepted’s takedown of George HW Bush is great. That show and Citations Needed has its moments. I think if you’re a historian/leftist, the best podcasts are Hardcore History or Common Sense (Dan Carlin), Citations Needed, Intercepted, Chapo Trap House, and the Dollop. Dan Carlin is the one you can enjoy if you’re on ANY political spectrum—and the Dollop is not too far behind; that’s truly the most special when it hits.

Other: My Favorite Murder; Revisionist History; Matty + Nick; Hound Tall; We’ll See You in Hell; Binge Mode: Harry Potter; Bertcast/Open Tabs; Gladiator: Aaron Hernandez

Re-listening to Walking the Room for the 3rd time; that’s my favorite podcast of all time. Late pass: ‘Embedded’ series on Trump is amazing. Doesn’t come out often but when it does? Fascinating and goes in on Trump stories that don’t get talked about. Podcasts I’d recommend: In the Dark; RFK Tapes; Slow Burn (S2 on Monica Lewinsky scandal is great)

‘In the Dark’ is by far the best. S1 in 2016 I prefer over S2; check out both. Podcasts I’m going to check out: Crimetown: Detroit; Serial S3

Vince Mancini (Filmdrunk/Uproxx) has an annual best list on the best investigative/true crime podcasts each year that are the best lists I’ve seen. Best Dollop Episodes of the Year (must-listens on serious subjects): Donald Trump; the Resnicks: Water Monsters; George HW Bush; John McCain; Wells Fargo; Erik Prince & Blackwater

The above subjects deal with subjects to be genuinely outraged about versus faux things to be outraged about everyday (Russia; Louis CK or what a comic said) and the way the media talks or ignores subjects completely. The way it’s done is so great (Dave reading a topic coldly while his friend interjects with commentary—and then in the end coming together with a South Park-esque take on what the fuck is happening)

Other: Feinstein and the Flag; Levittown: the White Suburb Funniest episode of the Dollop: 1908 New York to Paris Car Race (live w/ James Adomian). Hands down the funniest. Dave purposely saved a great one for the fucking great and underrated James Adomian.

I can tune in and out of some Dollop episodes, but when it goes in on a subject or has a particular guest, you know it’s going to hit.

BOOKS Favorite book: City of Thieves by David Benioff Late pass great: ‘Slaughterhouse Five’ Pretty good: ‘Devil in White City’; ‘Lexicon’ Meh: ‘Sirens of Titan’ Hated: ‘the Bell Jar’

Best twitter follows/online writers: Justin Halpern; Drew Magary; Brian Grubb

BEST EVENTS: 1) Gaslight Anthem 59 Sound 10th Anniversary 2) Boston Calling: the National, Menzingers, Queens of the Stone Age, the Killers 3) Bert Kreischer @ Wilbur: near front row 4) Bill Burr @ TD Garden 5) Pats-Titans playoff game

Biggest regret and disappointment: Moving my ‘ex’ into my friend’s house in January (with the hope that I’d be living there half the time too)—only for her to end up wanting NOTHING at all to do with me that same day after I helped her unpack out of nowhere, threaten suicide in a non-joking manner in front of her new roommates and my friend after a political argument at the end of the first night she moved in, get with someone we work with behind my back almost instantly (a bland and lame cokehead who got busted for cocaine 18 months prior and faced 7 years in jail), try to fuck my friend when I was mid-conversation with them both first time seeing her 3 months after it all ended—and for her to eventually date my friend’s roommate who my friend warned me would try and fuck her but I didn’t take seriously because I thought he wasn’t good looking, tiny, just vaped all day long, and kind of a douche. Cool. Awesome.

I mean, that’s a simplistic breakdown of it all and how I feel about it when I’m angry. It’s more complex and fucked up than that and I could write a book on it to elaborate my thoughts, good and bad. It’s genuinely heartbreaking to articulate it and I withheld that from her: part of the reason why I moved her into my friend’s place (she didn’t know him or anybody) was because I wanted her in my life and didn’t want to lose her. Instead, it felt like I locked myself out of a party, I’m banging on the door and it’s cold outside, but nobody hears me. It’s just that feeling constantly. At the same time, it’s also very simple: she just wasn’t that into me, valued me, gave a damn, respected me, or cared. It’s NOT as angry or mean as it sounds. It just is what it is. Do NOT move the person you’re seeing into a friend’s place. If it doesn’t work out, make sure you can get a clean break. Oh, and probably do NOT date at work if you can until you know one of you is leaving (or, in my case, she leaves 10+ months after it’. I fucked both up and it’s been impossible to move on. Thankfully, she just left work 2 weeks ago and there’s less anxiety, mental work (thinking about her all the time which I still do but it’s not on maximum overdrive) and tiny heartbreaks each day. I mean, I was devastated when she told me she was leaving and there was finality. I miss her and have missed her all this time, but it’s a good thing: there was nothing I was getting out of it. But still: why did she say yes to moving into MY friend’ s place if she was just going to do a 360 heel turn, be an asshole and resentful towards me out of nowhere, never bother seeing the place I moved into/what I did with it?. Just a disaster of my own creation. I like to think in time I’ll get over it all and move on. I highly doubt I’ll ever see or talk to her again. I refuse to ever go back to my friend’s house for a variety of reasons and I had those thoughts even before the Cinco de Mayo party, but definitely after. I just don’t belong there and it hurts. And I know she’s uncomfortable too if I’m there even if she says otherwise.

Best thing personally: my brother got married, his wedding, friends, and my family. It’s cool to see my brother have his life together, be married into an awesome family, and meet a nice girl. I’ve seen my brother have his heartbreaks, but it’s nice to see him finally have peace and consistency. He’s got a really great house near where the Pats play (closer than where we’d park to games), works 4 days a week and makes bank too.

BIGGEST CHANGES I MADE moved out to a place of my own in late January-it’s my uncle’s 3-decker, which he intends to pass on to me. So I’m saving $ by being here and it’s decent. The drawback is that it’s 3rd floor and inhospitable during the summer when it’s an oven with no windows where they should be to put an AC unit in (I just stayed at my parents: I would have toughed it out but I desperately need sleep for school). But yeah, I’m over 30 and needed a place of my own. I’d love to live in Boston, but it’s completely fucking unaffordable unless you work 2-3 jobs.

One annoying thing: my driveway gets egged EVERY day since May. We have fake cameras, but pretty sure it’s the next-door neighbor and not some punk kids on their way to school. It is enraging. Who eggs a house everyday? And it’s literally only my car or the lady next to me, not even close to the street. I keep on looking at the trajectory of the eggs and it’s fucking ridiculous. Luckily, because of school (and because I was away during the summer), the egging doesn’t happen until after 8-10 AM.

I’m 10 minutes from my parent’s place (halfway to my workplace and gym as a cut-off place), 5 minutes from the school I attend, and centrally located to things I want to be (Boston, my brother, Cape Cod, possible job changes or to where I intend to move if I can)… went to school to be an electrician-In school 715 to 1245 Monday-Friday. Pain in the ass schedule and tiring, but a big change. I suck at being handy. Most people are sons of people in the trade or went to trade school. Then there’s me: never picked up a drill or a hammer. But I’m working on it.

I mean, the job IS risky (it’s not an office job) and any job outside of going back to school for a master’s or doctorate to get ahead (I fucking tried!) requires backbreaking manual work that breaks you down in most cases (construction, plumbing and smelling bad to even fixing cars where I hear that breaks your body down). Being an electrician seemed like the least of them all unless you want to be a linesman stuck outside no matter the weather for National Grid or down in manholes—because they pay REALLY well (most people in class actually want those jobs without reservations). I’m fine with being paid pretty well while enjoying myself. I’ll stay away from something monotonous like solar panels or being on a roof all day though.

Jiu-Jitsu-did this for 3 months and loved it. Had to take a break because I can only do weekends and it’s expensive. And I’m too exhausted for 9 AM class come Saturday. After a 6 AM to 12AM schedule M-F, I just completely fucking crash come Saturday. I fully intend on going back and doing yoga too when I finish school in July.

Most people start doing jiu-jitsu because of Joe Rogan. My answer got a laugh. ‘Yeah, I wanted to try something new. Also, I watched John Wick about a 100 times.’

Therapy-post ‘break-up’ I realized I needed help. I spent a month in February not being able to fall asleep (maybe 24 hours sleep in 3 weeks) before I finally got meds. About a million waking nightmares (holy shit that’s a thing). Constantly crying, particularly on the weekends without her, separation anxiety and just anxiety that did not go away at all: a constant weight. We had a Jim-and-Pam relationship at work, even when it was over—but once she started dating my friend’s roommate, she distanced herself more than ever and it was just fake as fuck. I was frustrated with not finding a job to not passing a test that I studied my ass for 3+ months for that would allow me to leave my job AND the girl. They threw in shit that was not on the study guide at all in the test. Blah. I punched a hole through my bedroom wall (like they do in the movies) and fucked up my hand a bit.

But yeah, I’m working on my confidence, following through with my goals, challenging myself, making adjustments, facing fears, getting over my anxiety, relationships. I’m proud of how, even without therapy, I handled the girl who was cold and distant: I was ALWAYS warm and welcoming, had a good attitude about it with her. It wasn’t a point of pride to be that way; I just was. If I was around her, the hurt just kind of all faded, however briefly. In the back of my head I wanted to light her the fuck up for how she was acting or NOT acting, but I just didn’t. But it’s hard. I am depressed all the time, but not nearly as overwhelming as I was. I’m really lonesome—and I want to reach out, but I don’t know to who a lot of the time. I feel left out and it’s hard to maintain relationships, but I am trying. It’s hard at 32 but people fade away. You think you’re wiser and more mature that it won’t happen, but it does. It’s just harder to make friends, I guess. I ruminate all the time and think too much. I’m trying to be mindful and in the moment. But I keep on thinking about all the things I’m NOT doing or the things I’m waiting for to happen. But there’s always going to be that. I am doing a LOT and the changes aren’t coming all at once. I like my therapist (I had one when I was in 5th grade and again when I was 19: I didn’t like them: finding a therapist that fits you is the biggest thing)

I realized a lot of the problems I had were patterns even going back to the heartbreak I felt at 18-20 when I was the worst mess I ever was. It wasn’t the girl who broke my heart, but it was me. I should have been better and stronger far before I met her. I wasn’t really living I don’t think. In some ways, I gave up and was sleepwalking through things. But everything I thought I was past just bubbled to the surface. And I had to get it right, something needed to change, and I needed help.

I withheld my problems from everybody because I didn’t want to be a burden. I especially did NOT want to be depressing but I think I became a burden for the girl who broke my heart. She had nothing to give and she was upset at me for talking to her at work and being cheerful, telling stories, or anything. Secretly, I was a mess and it was painful. In a way, I was denying myself and that made it worse.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think I’m that big of a mess. I might be lonely, but I got a good head, attitude, and people generally like me. I make people laugh easily and without trying. I got a lot going for me and I got support.

Tattoos -got the lighthouse tattoo I always wanted since I was 18. I didn’t believe a tattoo artist could carry out my idea. Liked the tattoo artist so much that I stretched it out into a full sleeve. I want to do more and have some ideas. We’ll see.

Other-new car; collecting board games; got tour posters and Pats memorabilia framed WORST POLITICAL: the chaos that comes with Trump-Well, that hasn’t changed. I’ll hate the GOP/Republicans and that goes without saying. I have some small hope with people like Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, but I don’t have any faith in the Democratic party at fucking all: they will rather work with Republicans than work with people who actually want to make an actual change. You kind of just realize how shitty a party they and Obama were and how they are bought/paid for and resistant to any meaningful change. We are fucked.

LOOK AHEAD TO 2019: -finishing school in July and starting new career as electrician -cousin’s wedding and going to Las Vegas for a bachelor party (I’m more psyched for the awesome house we are staying in than Vegas itself) -Pats playoff run and possible end of Brady-Gronk: I’m not hopeful, but I’m going to enjoy my favorite Boston athletes of my lifetime. Couldn’t ask for anything more from them. I just wish Bill Belichick did a better job as a GM and not fucking up nearly every draft since 2006 besides 2010 and 2012. They’ve won 5, but feels like Belichick cost the Pats 3-5 more minimum. Every year you have Tom Brady, you’re in the AFC Championship or Super Bowl. Belichick and Patricia mailed in the Eagles Super Bowl on defense. WTF was that? -doing jiu-jitsu, yoga, taking up swimming, continue following through on my gym program: my goal is to delay having a bad back as long as possible. I’m in the best shape of my life by far, so that’s good. I want to cut some of my gut weight out though: when I bend down to put on my work boots, I feel it. -more tattoos? -dating again (I am struggling so BADLY with online dating and need to work on having better pics: I can’t get a single match/date) -looking at buying a condo or home. I’ve got about $100K saved up and just slowly collecting things in my apartment for the big transition. Still would like to see where I end up working. Ideally, I’d love to have a lake house somewhere decent and centralized.

BOOKS: -Don Winslow wrapping up cartel/border trilogy -new Gillian Flynn?!? -Marlon James’ African Game of Thrones trilogy begins -Stephen King

TV 1a) Desus and Mero returns 1b) Game of Thrones final season 2) Veep final season 3) Lovecraft Country 4) Watchmen 5) Stranger Things 6) Good Omens 7) Devs 8) Fosse/Verdon

NEW: City on a Hill; Deadwood movie; Star Wars; Veronica Mars

MUSIC -Boston Callling -new: 1975, Bruce Springsteen

MOVIES: 1) Once Upon a Time in Hollywood 2) John Wick III 3) Us Toy Story IV 4) Fast and Furious: Hobbs and Shaw OTHER: Avengers; Captain Marvel; Glass; It 2; Joker; Lego Movie 2; Spiderman; Star Wars; Under the Silver Lake; Where’d You Go Bernadette; Zombieland 2

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dalrynne · 7 years

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1, 8, 11, 14, 15, 17, 24, 32, 33, 37, 28, 39, 40

OMG IM SO SORRY FOR NOT ANSWERING THIS ASK UNTIL NOW AJSDKHAD

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

omg idek which movie i would consider my favorite movie... but i think i have this reoccurring feeling of “OMG that was the best movie ever!” whenever i have a new fav movie hahahaha

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

hmm i guess i’d say my fashion sense? i’ve worked quite hard for a long time to get where i am now (i think my style is pretty good now) and tbh it’s one of my fav compliments to receive! i’m still working on expanding my wardrobe and building on it; there’s always room for improvement~

11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had.

i think i would have to say the one where i met my ultimate fav celebrity/singer, kyuhyun cho from super junior! in my dream he even touched me and i remember even feeling the warmth of his touch... it was such a vivid dream LOL i still remember it even tho its been so long?

14: Talk about a vacation.

the vacation that lasts the most in my mind is probs the most recent one. i went to greece during spring break with a friend this year! tbh it wasn’t as fun as it could have been bc the weather was cold and bc it was easter, everything was closed for several days and at night it was really scary bc there were all these men hanging around outside, smoking and staring us down. but it was also really fun bc i got to see the beautiful ocean. the best part was going horse-back riding for the first time!! omg it was such a great experience bc i’ve loved horses ever since i was young but i had never been able to ride one (besides this one time when i was like 5 at a petting zoo or something). shoutout to kayli for making that happen omggg

oh man, now i want to talk about my trip to paris with a different friend and met a couple of my internet friends, but i guess that’s a different story hehe (if you wanna hear about it, hmu tho!)

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

oh shit LOL have i Ever been fully content in my life ahaha... i honestly can’t really remember? probably when i was younger...? or perhaps now??? idk man.

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

tbh lately, i’ve been feeling kinda antisocial... i don’t really have a desire to make new friends or get closer to some friends/acquaintances bc i feel so drained? i feel this way especially towards internet friends tbh bc i feel like we’re never going to meet anyway so why put in so much effort. ugh, i know thats horrible and i don’t want to feel this way but :’) alas. maybe its bc i’ve been feeling kinda insecure lately too? LOL idk. but i do want to befriend my crush tho... bc if i befriend him, maybe it’ll develop into something more~

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

oh wow, hmm. i’ve been told that i’m stylish and have a good sense of humor, which are some of my fav compliments hehe. like when someone actually thinks/says that i’m funny, i’m really happy! i can’t really remember anything else atm but haha i’m sure there were some other things?

28: Talk about your fetishes.

LMAOO OMG AJDKAHSDASD i ummm... idek what qualifies as a fetish, like is it just a kink? are those the same things?? do i even have those????? i guess i’m kinda into bondage tho, probs light hahaha

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

i grew up in indiana and i had really fond memories of it. i moved to nyc in the middle of 3rd grade and it was really hard adjusting at first. but now i’m a new yorker so LOL. i remember indiana being almost this enchanted place bc i felt so free there. i could ride my bike with my friends until the sun went down (that was like 8pm in the summer) and i barely got any hw which was lit. (stranger things makes me feel really nostalgic bc its supposed to be set in indiana and i used to bike around with my friends all the time too hehe)

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

hmm, this is a very good question bc i honestly hardly know what to do with myself when i’m sad and i just feel like i wanna die a lot of the time tbh HAHA. but i’ve been trying to find healthier coping mechanisms to do when i’m sad... like i usually try to distract myself by listening/watching shows or movies or whatever. or try to hang out with my friends. or sometimes i just go to bed early by getting myself very very sad by listening to sad songs and thinking of things to upset myself further and then cry myself to sleep. that actually works quite well bc i wake up and feel refreshed most of the time? haha

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

huh. was i ever really truly in love tho LMAO... i suppose the closest thing to that was with my latest ex. our relationship was so short-lived and hes lowkey kinda psycho so um Yikes. i’m glad i didn’t get back with him bc hes obviously not good for me. there were some red flags but i just ignored them OTL. but well, he was sweet and it was nice while it lasted but hmm, Yikesss.

39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.

omggg ok i wish i knew sooner that you need to play an active role in your life or else you’re going to be very unhappy and feel really hopeless. listen, you are in charge of a good portion of your life; your decisions and efforts are important. if you want something, go get it!! you can’t cry and complain about things yet never try to do something about it. but on the other hand, there are some things in life that you can’t change. somethings just happen and the best you can do is deal with them to the utmost of your abilities. there’s this delicate balance of determinism and free-will. but its always better to try and fail than never try and regret it.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

the end of high school was really nice i think. i was really excited for freshman year of uni in london bc i had never been out of the country before and i’ve been interested in britain since i was really young! i was hopeful for the new people i’d meet and the cool new things i’d experience. it was kinda disappointing but it was still a great experience i think haha. i definitely grew and matured as a person, which i’m really happy about.

thank you to the anon who sent me this ask!! i’m sorry again about the late reply ;;;

if you’d like to send me more, here is the post!

#anon #Anonymous

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starlillies · 7 years

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Rant about something that irritates you

ok a lot irritates me but. the treatment of teenagers ok like.

in school they either treat us like we’re dumb kids that dont know anything or they treat us like adults who have everything together and. i hate when teachers complain and are like “my class should be ur top priority” like ???? i have EIGHT classes. eight. and all eight teachers think their class should be my top priority like sorry no?? and everyone says school in general should be my top priority like even my parents will be like “youre only a teenager, you dont have any responsibilities. Youre only job is school” like excUSE ME??? my only job?? first of all, no. i have so many responsibilities its ridiculous. i go to school , im expected to get good grades by my parents and my teachers. im in at least 3 clubs in school, which is considerably less than most of my peers, ive been in girl scouts for 12 years and not bc i want to, no ive told my mom i wanted to quit since sixth grade, but she said i had to finish bc it would look good for college. ive been in bbyo (which i dont think most of u know of but whatever) since eighth grade, ive been on chapter board since tenth grade and this year im on regional board. i babysit during the week every week and sometimes on weekends. and thats not even factoring in friends and social activity and free time and relaxing, bc what teenager has time for that?? so yeah, i have quite a FEW fucking responsibilities. second of all, SCHOOL IS A PRETTY HUGE FUCKING JOB. its fucking stressful and yeah adults work longer hours and they dont get summer break and winter break and all that shit, but they literally dont even understand what school is like anymore. they say we have the internet and that makes things oh so much easier but like when was the last time they stayed up until 4 am writing 8 essays on poems for englsih class only to have the teacher decide not to grade them?? when was the last time they spent days studying a math test only to see that the teacher decided not to base the test off the study materials they gave u?? school is fucking ridiculous now like i refuse to say anything more. and then theres the college stress, which now starts at like fucking seven years old bc thats how hard it is to get into college now. and people have no respect for teenagers???? how can u not respect us when we’re supposed to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night but regularly get less than 4, when we spend hours and hours on activities we dont even like bc we want to get into college, when we literally throw our entire being into trying to do good in school but also sleep and also have a social life and also have a job and also spend time with our families and also take care of ourselves?? oh wait, we dont. do adults not realize theres a reason anxiety and depression and suicide rates have gone up? school and college and that bs aside, adults have no respect for anything we do we are ALWAYS the bad guys. if we dont like politics we’re “ignorant and uninformed and u should know about the country u live in itll be urs soon” but if we have political opinions we’re “political machines, brainwashed liberals, y do u care so much calm down how does this affect u??” like excuse me for fucking caring about my future. and if we’re on our phone for two seconds we’re “addicted to technology and oh my gosh go outside for once” like do u know what im doing on this phone? im talking to my friends bc i dont have time to do it in person bc of all the shit i have to do. or im doing my hw, bc we have apps for that amazing ik, so that maybe i can get a full five hours of sleep tonight. or maybe im playing a fucking game to relieve my stress for a few fucking minutes y do u care if i spend my free time crushing candy. or im reading articles about how the fuckass u elected as the most powerful man in the world is once again fucking up our country and my future. who cares wtf im doing its my fucking business susan. technology has been an amazing advancement to our society and also so many adults i know complain about “kids and their technology these days” but theyre literally on their phone ten times as much as i am like. being a teenager is fucking hard, ok? i havent even touched every topic but im tired of having to explain myself bc no one listens anyway

#this got long so i put a read more #but yeah i have a lot of feelings about this #school sucks ass #adults suck ass #being a teenager sucks ass #rant #ask

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