#maybe it’s my ocd’s fault lol
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if i think too hard or too long abt what will happen to my well-loved possessions when i die i get so upset. what will become of my favorite cotton t-shirts? my annotated held-together-by-tape-and-prayers copies of my favorite books? all the letters from friends and lovers i’ve held onto all these years? my childhood stuffed animals? my photo albums? my shelves of knickknacks from solo roadtrips across the country? the first cd i ever bought myself? my favorite coffee mug? will there be anyone at the end of my life who will want any of my most beloved things? will these treasured items end up at a curb with ‘FREE!’ written on a cardboard sign? will i be remembered? i need to stop pondering this
#it makes me so upset#much to think abt#mortality am i right aha#i am too sentimental with objects i cannot get rid of things ever#yea yea materialism blah blah whatever i dont wanna hear it this post isnt for u then#i still think abt clothes i donated years ago and how much i regret parting w them#maybe it’s my ocd’s fault lol#i will never have kids so it’s like. who is going to want these things#it makes me so upset to see items that are personalized/sentimental in a thrift store it breaks my heart every time#the amount of things my dad threw out when my grandpa died before i got to go through his house. still upsets me to this day#ty posts#if i could turn my house into a museum and keep everything where it is forever i would die happy
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Boobies! Volume 2
Summary | You Are With Steve And Robin At The Family Video And He Still Cannot Stop Saying The Word Boobies . Part Two To My Fic Boobies! But I Think That This Can Be Read As A Standalone !
Pairing | Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader! ( The Reader Has Breast )
Word Count | 533
Warnings! | Slight Spoilers For Stranger Things 4 Volume 1! And, Allusion’s To Smut? Kind of , Lol .
Requested | Yes!
Authors Note! | I Am So So So Sorry For How Late This Is! It Seemed Every Time That I Went To Write It, My Power And Internet Went Out, Lol . I Hope That You Enjoy This Though ! I cannot believe that I got The count to be the same on both of these fics too, Lol . And, as always, there may be some random capitalization and punctuation that is caused by my OCD! I hope that you guys enjoy this fic!
"Look, all I am saying Robin is that of course she laughed at the Muppet joke, it was my joke." Steve said to Robin while he was putting the vhs tapes on the Cart.
"It was Amazing Steve, like, You have no idea how amazing it was, Her laugh was so real, and so genuine. It felt like everything was just right, You know?" Robin rambled to Steve about how Vickie laughed at a joke she made during the pep rally.
"Robin, yes, I know how you feel, it's exactly how I Feel When Y/n Laughs At One Of My Jokes." Steve said matter of factly, while leaning down to give you a kiss on the cheek, while you sat behind the counter catching up on some work.
"Speaking of Y/n, what movie do you want to watch tomorrow night?" Robin said to you, referring to the sleepover that the two of you had planned for the next day.
"Um, We Can Watch 'Fast Times'? I haven't seen it yet." You said to Robin, which made her light up.
"Oh My God, Yes, We Can Figure Out what Vickie likes from it!" Robin said Excitedly, Causing Steve To Roll His Eyes.
"We already know what she likes from it Robin, Boobies!" Steve said, Causing the two of you to groan.
"Not this again, Stop with the Boobies Steve!" Robin said, Handing him another Vhs tape to put on the cart.
"What is so wrong with the word Boobies?!" Steve asked a little loudly. You and Robin were suddenly happy that the store was pretty much empty, since the last customer had just left, not many people coming in because of the game that night.
"It's just weird Steve! Just say boobs, or breast instead!" Robin said putting her face in her hands.
"But, Boobies is so much more fun to say! Watch." Steve said while turning you around in your chair to now face them. "Y/n's Boobies are A perfect example of great Boobies, I have never seen a better pair of Boobies!" Steve said while gesturing to your chest in an exaggerated way, Causing you to scold him.
"Steve, Stop Bringing Peoples Attention To My Boobies!" You said while crossing your arms. "Do you want other people looking at them?"
"What?! No but apparently some people have already seen them" Steve said, turning to Robin.
"Hey, It is not my fault Y/n had a quick change and someone had to help her with it" Said Robin, Referring to one of the shows you two were in for the high school theater department.
"Yeah yeah." Steve said placing the last vhs onto the cart. "Those are still my boobies." Steve muttered Causing Robin to roll her eyes.
"Steve, Sweetheart." You said, making Steve Stop in his tracks to turn towards you. "Yes?"
"Stop saying Boobies, Do your job and put the tapes up, and maybe you will get to see these boobies tonight, Okay?" You say making Steve's eyes go wide with excitement, and with a nod of his head, he is off with the cart and putting the movies back where they go at the speed of lightning.
#steve harrington imagine#steve harrington fluff#steve harrington fanfic#steve harrington#steve harrington smut#eddie munson#stranger things imagine#stranger things fluff#stranger things fanfiction#stranger things smut#stranger things#mike wheeler#nancy wheeler#billy hargrove#johnathan byers
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"oh, people fake [XYZ neurodivergence] for attention"
ah, yes, the attention i get for my anxiety, in which everyone takes every opportunity to make fun of me for being afraid! or the attention i used to get for my depression before i shut up about it, in which i was constantly told i had no reason to be sad
oh!! or maybe the attention i get for my autism!! you know, where i'm simultaneously demonized as some coldhearted serial killer but also infantilized as if i'm a baby who can't think for myself
or perhaps you're talking about the attention my psychotic friends get, where they're treated like dangerous, violent people. such wonderful attention
or the attention ADHD, OCD, PDs, addictions, dissociative disorders, etc etc get. all so great. who wouldn't want the attention that involves having your disorder minimized or turned into a joke or infantilized or demonized or called not real or called your fault or--
sarcasm aside. genuinely. if someone is faking a neurodivergence for attention... i don't fucking care. lol. they clearly need a whole lot of attention--and probably actually do have something wrong--if they're willing to settle for this kind.
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Saw your tags on a post and wanted to mention that trans women having their bulge be seen as gross also isn't an exceptional experience. It's definitely more visible because they face hyper visibility, but bigots treat all trans people that way.
If you need a one to one many NBs who have a penis will have their bulge treated the exact same as trans women. For a different but comparable experience, people who pack have it treated as gross as well and it's assumed to be a sexual thing. Same thing with people who've had phalloplasty.
I've also seen cis gay guys treated that way too. It's "gross" and assumed predatory. Because the cisheteropatriarchy punishes any deviance from traditional masculinity and femininity, queer bodies are as a whole demonized and policed. And that means a lot of bulges are treated as inherently sexual, threatening, and gross by mainstream society.
You kind of ended up doing the exact thing the post was warning against, where you assumed X doesn't happen to Y group of people, and only Z group of people experiences that. It's something that's easy to do but I hope you'll be able to expand your knowledge of the topic with this and also consider future things more broadly. There are definitely a few experiences one group will have different than another, but there's also a lot more overlap than people think. And there are very few experiences that literally only one group has, even if the exact way people experience it might differ some.
thank you for your thoughts! i inhabit a transmasc body that has chosen to only partially transition, and i struggle a lot with moral ocd, so on this site where there r a lot of loud ppl saying that trans women / transfems have it the worst of anyone, while other people say that different trans ppls struggles are different but not better or worse, while trolls and bullies muddy the conversation constantly, i really have trouble figuring out whats what.
i kinda default to deferring to trans womens voices because i dont know what its like to be transfem, but like, of course different transfems say different things and not all can be right at the same time, so its very confusing! im very afraid of erring on the side of dismissing transmisogyny, i guess? and theres so many ppl on this site who jump at the chance to call any statement transmisogynistic that i am maybe putting 'ofc trans women have it worse' disclaimers in too many places? (this is NOT trans womens fault, i see this from every demographic and often most viciously from other transmascs.) like. not gonna lie, im very scared of people on social media lol.
im sorry if ive made people feel invalidated by the way i talk abt this stuff, especially since i feel invalidated a lot when ppl call transmascs transmisogynistic for talking abt transandrophobia/transmisandry? maybe i need to just stop commenting and listen more until i can comment more confidently and with less fear. i dont know? im open to input!
[edit: heres the post and my tags that anon is referring to]
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I might be built different, but I was just catching up on literal months of being off Tumblr (I'm OCD, it's irrelevant). I saw a bunch of posts where you were hedging about talking about your health or anything personal because of anon hate, and I just wanted to say that I absolutely care and want to hear about how you're doing. If people do not want to, you 1) have told people what tag to blacklist, and 2) have an "unfollow" button. It's not hard to show compassion. You are important to me.
To be honest, I reached a point of no return when people were being pointlessly cruel while I was literally so Ill that I was dying. (not once, but twice in one year!) I mean, one full on disgustingly hateful message after another while I was laying in a hospital bed waiting for another brain scan or vomiting up the water they forced me to try.
It’s not that I don’t love and appreciate the kindness of folks like you who do give a hoot about me, and/or are nice enough to scroll by if you don’t have the spoons for it or who are capable of using the black list tag option without complaint. I really do appreciate that so much, and it makes me feel like some people actually remember that I’m a real person still. But I don’t think I can ever really go back to fully talking about my health or a lot of my personal life ever again after that.
I don’t even really feel comfortable disclosing details to close friends anymore, because around the same time I (understandably, I’d think) felt like maybe straight up dying would be better than sort-of-dying-and-suffering for months/years at a time and I had a newish friend stalk me through someone else they knew who ordered something from me, call the police (on a trans/queer and bed ridden disabled person) to come do a ‘wellness check’ on me when they knew I couldn’t get out of bed to even answer the door, never mind the fact that the fucking police do not help in a mental health crisis to begin with. And then they got angry that I wasn’t thankful enough for this, and spread lies and made up a bunch of Evil™️ stuff I supposedly did to deserve having the cops called on me or whatever.
So, yeah. All I’ve really learned is people don’t see me as a real person with a life outside of art, or they sort of do but don’t know the best way to react to it and end up doing something that could cause more harm in… a really inappropriate way. I can’t fault anyone for either one, really. But I sure as hell am not being as open or even as kind as I used to be. And I guess that’s just how the internet is, in the end.
Thank you, though, for caring. Like I said, you and others like you are very highly appreciated. And thanks for reaching out after a long time away from Tumblr. I hope it’s been more fun and not perusing through the Tumblr back log lol. Enjoy the absolute batshit memes we’ve grown here over the past few months, they’re fresh to death.
#nice anon#health stuff#tw: vomiting#tw: suicidal ideation#tw: hospital#Batwynn talks#black list to not see anything personal
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You can’t expect people to follow all your rules for your own compulsions. You need to be in therapy to work through those things instead of expecting a shared space to be catered to you only.
I usually ignore anons like this, but man, I just gotta say something lol.
1: Don't act like you know me, the situation, my family, or my OCD from ONE rant post. I worded that post carefully to not over share anything.
2: Don't tell me what I should be doing. I'm not in therapy because the system sucks in America and it has only given me more trauma because of the multiple shitty professionals I've encountered. So no, I don't "need to be in therapy."
3: I'm literally not acting like that. Again, you don't know the details of the situation. There is a lot more that has gone on in the last two weeks as well as several years. I patiently communicated for this reason and understanding boundaries. I'm not forcing my brother to do anything except respect that we share a space once more. Never had these problems when we did it at our old house.
4: That post was mostly a rant at my mother for allowing it to go on and ignoring me communicating my boundaries. It's not a rant about my OCD.
5: Really, it's not my problem you interpreted my post in this way. One single OCD rant post is not indicative of my situation or how I act. You don't know how I act and I don't share my OCD often. So don't tell me what I need to do for the sake of my OCD. Okay? Okay :)
6: Do not act as if I know nothing about what I need. I'm self aware of my situation and have been for years, even to a fault due to trauma. I don't need to be given advice in a condescending way as if I know nothing about my disorder and situation.
7: I don't technically have to explain anything to you. I shared some basic stuff and made simple statements here to make a point that: You are not obligated to know anything about this and also you do not know me so do not give me advice and try to act like you know what happened. You're not my friends or my girlfriend or my family. So I don't owe you anything :) please think about this next time instead of assuming you know everything and should butt in. This is a common thing on the internet I have noticed which isn't right. So I hope that you can learn from this /gen
I'm mostly actually replying to you to show a lesson of: You don't know the situation after reading one post so you are not one to give advice when you don't know the people or the details. I made one rant post. I don't speak about my OCD too much aside from joking about it or mentioning it. So maybe don't act like you know me and tell me what I need to do to be better. Aside from ranting about stuff, I don't share a lot of my life so yeah, most of the portrayals I show will be more negative unless I'm giving positivity. It doesn't mean it actually is negative. That's why I'm not on a lot or mostly reblogging stuff.
The situation has been resolved anyway. I was just ranting about how it always gets bad and leads to me lashing out at myself and having violent meltdowns for anything to be fixed, a common staple in this household. The main point was me asking to be listened to and believed when I communicate my needs and boundaries instead of being ignored as it has been all my life. The ocd was just the contributing factor to the situation, not a big part of the rant post.
So I hope other people can learn the lesson to not assume they know everything cause they saw one post ☺️ I see this happen a lot. It isn't my problem you make assumptions about me and my situation based on one post I made.
Edit: I reread my post since I kinda forget what I type most of the time. And I have 0 idea where you got this impression from- my requests were to leave the door open so smells don't get trapped especially with his BO since I have a sensitive nose. Don't touch my stuff which is just...basic common sense, who touches someone else's stuff anyway? If towels need to be moved, ask me to move them. Don't leave icky messes which I left vague cause holy hell the messes I've seen in the bathroom are disgusting. And then move your towels out of the way. Which is just...basic decency??? He left them on the toilet once. I don't wanna have to touch his towels used to dry his body after a shower, ew. And then most of the other stuff I requested which haven't been problems were just deciding our space and to use our own bathmats. This is just...very basic stuff. I have no idea where you get the idea I'm trying to cater to me. I'm not forcing him to shower more so he doesn't smell, I'm not forcing him to neatly fold things. And he doesn't have any real requests cause...he's honestly just chill and in his own world, that's his autism.
I have absolutely no idea where you get this idea from. If someone without ocd asked this stuff, it wouldn't be wild. But because of the stuffing I have endured especially with my oldest brother (one who moved out), I now am extremely sensitive to bathroom related stuff. The brother living with me isn't a real problem. Most dirty issues I had with him he listened on before like cleaning after he shaves.
I genuinely have 0 idea where you got this idea from that I'm forcing someone to bend to my compulsions. Yeah my OCD affects this and makes it more intense especially since my requests were being ignored on the basis of him not understanding the problem, but it's also my autism and intense senses I have. I was extremely respectful through it and just calmly asked my mom to deal with it as my brother and I don't actually speak and I'm awkward as fuck around him now. I'm mostly explaining this cause after seeing my post again, I have no idea what you are on about. I already knew I wasn't in the wrong, but after rereading my own post, I am quite confused where you got this perception from. Did you see OCD and then just ran with it? Only a small fraction of it is actually about my OCD or just mentioning it off handed as part of the reason I had a violent meltdown being a mix between my OCD and autism.
Either way, my point still stands. Don't give me condescending advice about my disorder because of a situation mentioning it when you know nothing about it. Mind your own business. You don't know my family or how common this ignoring of boundaries for me is. Seriously tho, what are you in about??? All my rules? I listed like 4 or 5 things that are pretty common when sharing a space, but just a bit more particular as I don't like people touching my stuff and don't like to touch other people's stuff. Seriously dude, what the fuck is this???
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Do you think your loneliness would be better or worse if you knew any happy established lesbian couples?
Hmmmm I don’t know. I have in the past and sometimes it made me feel even more lonely. Like sometimes it was really beautiful to see people like me find happiness. But other times it just really rubbed salt into the wound and I would come back and just cry. That’s obviously not anyone’s fault other then my own.
It’s not a trait I like to have but I am a very jealous person. Not in the sense that I’m angry other people have happiness or I don’t want them to have it if I can’t. Nothing like that. I just long to be included in it. BUT I have a messed up mentally ill brain and even when I’m given those things it doesn’t always react well.
- TW for self harm and OCD compulsions -
When I came back from my first date with my ex I just cried. Like excessively. And I self harmed because I started to feel simultaneously trapped in something (I wasn’t it my brain was being weird) and also like I was a bad person for potentially being able to be in a relationship when I knew there were other people out there feeling the same loneliness I’d felt, which resulted in self harming. But then also I ended up getting into an official relationship with her and being so genuinely happy and feeling as though I’d finally found what I was looking for.
I think that within itself makes my loneliness worse or you know seeing other people in love. Because I’ve had a taste of it so I know what I’m missing out on now lol.
I wouldn’t just not hang out with someone or not be friends with someone or be rude or nasty or angry to someone just because they are in love or have a relationship. But there are definitely times it can make things harder.
Not to blame my mental illnesses or not take accountability for myself but like I am pretty messed in the head lol. The way I see the world isn’t always very logical - I can have tunnel vision over things. Especially relationships. You mix that together with OCD and honestly it’s not a fun ride. It just complicates things.
So I guess to very unhelpfully answer your question : it’s yes and no and depending on the day 😂
But also I haven’t been on a date in agessssssss. So maybe if I start doing that again things might change since I’m a little older now. Who knows lol.
Thank you for popping in! I’m sorry if I couldn’t give a very good answer. I hope you have a wonderful day though ☺️🌸💕💕💕
#asks#anon#answered#tw self harm#tw#trigger warning#tw depression#tw ocd#tw compulsions#tw intrusive thoughts
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I know it's ridiculous to expect to be loved and cared for when you're not a good person and haven't earned it. I'm not saying I deserve anything to be handed to me, when everyone else is working so hard for what they have... But God it feels so hopeless to have not a slightest fucking idea about what can I do to not be a bad person. Not even be a good person - just not be bad. People say, it's okay to be upset or angry with those who hurt you, or that it's okay to grieve and feel bad for yourself and give yourself some more time when coming out of rock bottom. But I have no idea when is that... healthy line. That line dividing being a person just living their life, and a villain. I try to be more patient and not complain as much... I try to not play pretend being a victim... I try to be more understanding and kinder. But it feels so pointless. It feels like I'm not making any progress. I cry just as much, I grieve endlessly and look back and hold grudges. I give up constantly. Maybe none of it is really the fault of my illnesses. Maybe beating depression or ocd would still leave me just as.... mean, bitter, lazy, as I always was. I was hoping those are just simply bad qualities about me that someone out there could possibly look past and still love me the way I am, but what if I'm just rotten beyond the point of return. What if there's no hope - really, really. What if I had my chances of being good and loved, of living a normal life, and I blew them, wasted like everything else, by being ungrateful and spoiled. What if my only saving grace is dying young. Letting everyone forget about me. Which I can't do anyway, being such a failure and a coward. But yeah, let me just keep repeating that a 3k a month daytime job would fix me. Lol
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im a mess omg
Okay firstly I was anxious to write this post because I'm like where do I even start? Then I looked at this blog and damn I'm a mess here too. I swear I have like blog OCD. I want 1 billion blogs for each aesthetic or colour and emotion its ridiculous. ANYWAY...
Today I want to work on myself. I feel like everyday I get distracted from what I should really be doing. I feel lucky though because there's an energy pulling me towards what I am supposed to be doing... I think. It's making me feel uncomfortable in positions I don't need to be in anymore. Drinking and partying used to be my personality. Like I started to look back and ask myself if I would even hangout with any of the friends I have if it weren't for our mutual addictions? Most of them, no. That doesn't make them bad people but they're just not the people I really wanna be around without alcohol.
So now I'm starting to ask myself... who am I without alcohol? Who do I want to surround myself around? What do I like doing? I think about my interests and hobbies when I was a kid. Gymnastics, playing piano, and photography and videography. I used to like drawing and painting and making clay sculptures. I like singing and dancing too. I actually had a crazy amount of hobbies. I feel like I had so many I never got really good at one. I used to be pretty good at art but I don't know what it is, when I try now I can't think of what to draw or paint to save the life of me. It really sucks. Gymnastics is still really intriguing to me but REALLY hard, and extremely dangerous and also really expensive. So when I can convince myself to get out of bed, I try my best to paint or do photography. I like doing portrait photography but I only have one friend who I hangout with and it gets boring shooting the same person. I've shot a couple of my friends but they don't end up liking the photos so they don't let me post 95% of them and right now the pictures I take are specifically to draw attention to my work so I can start charging. So if I'm not making any money or have any content to post, there's really no point. Yes I have fun doing it for the hell of it but I would like to do something with my photos. Maybe I should take photos of products or cars soon.
On the topic of being distracted though, I never have much money because I only work part time. Therefore any money I decide to spend I feel so guilty about it because I really don't have it, its just... I really want SOMETHING to make me happy. Whether it's alcohol, weed, clothes, food or talking to guys tbh. I've gotten used to giving in to whatever I want as long as I have the capability to do it. So I feel like in brief moments where I can't get myself what I want right away, I feel sad or bored. I want to actually work towards something I want in life but I just can't figure out what it is. I want to go back to school but I'm having a really hard time with what I want to actually pursue. I wanted to do hairstyling really badly but they only have fast track and I'm confused why they don't have a regular one. I'm not really in a position to be able to move to go to a regular course either so if they don't have it I'm going to have to pick something else. I really want to work on my G2 which I have to hangout with my mom in order to do, but i'm always stoned or when I go hangout with her I get drunk. (it is my fault that I give in, she doesn't make me do anything I don't want to. I just know its there and I get tempted very easily which I need to work on and have gotten better at.) But I just texted her asking when we should practice next because I just want to get that going. I applied to a few jobs. I feel at least a little better than before. I should call shoppers to get a refill on my prescription which I will... then I gotta text my manager and ask her when I work next and if I can pick up my cheque some time. Okay. I'm getting really distracted and ADHD and I can't focus on this anymore lol. Now all I'm thinking about is what I want to do all day to distract myself from how bored I am. First of all shower, and shave. I could do my hair, my makeup, my nails. Clean my house, take out the garbage and recycling, put dresser in my room for now, practice piano, workout, yoga. Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
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a bunch of haikyuu headcanons i can't stop thinking about
i can't find the time to finish the manga so it lives in my head 24/7. *sigh* bear with my silly thoughts about these gay volleyball dorks
W: brief mentions of mental illnesses and eating disorders
Atsumu is dyslexic. (Bad at academics, gets the worst score in every test. Teachers usually understand so he doesn't fail his classes but he knows that volleyball's the only thing he's actually good at. So he tries his damn best all the time -to show that he's not so useless after all, he's good at one thing, at least. And yet, his brother is better than him at that thing too. I like the angst.)
Kiyoomi has OCD. (I'm actually just projecting myself but it's not my fault it fits him perfectly.) He was diagnosed when he was very little and has been going to therapy for as long as he can remember. I've seen a couple of articles about how in some Asian countries such illnesses have to be said in CV and resumes and people can face discrimination in employment because of them. Which made me wonder, could Kiyoomi have had a hard time getting into an official volleyball team? Could his long history with this incurable mental illness have gotten in the way of his career despite his talent? I think maybe his parents wanted him to get a college degree in case his volleyball career doesn't work out just because of this. And I think he was really scared too.)
Yamaguchi had an eating disorder in middle school and recovered throughout his high school years. (Tsukki might be stupid in many things but he's careful with this one. He reads about it online and tries to help. When Yamaguchi's parents are out for the night he invites him over to dinner to make sure he eats something. Yamaguchi says it's okay, he doesn't have to worry about it so much. Tsukki says shut up, he means I like spending time with you. He's getting there.)
Atsumu and Kiyoomi were married in the 2021 Olympics. Ushijima and Kageyama didn't know for like a week. (that's when they decided Kiyoomi would change the name on his Jersey lol)
After a whole year of travelling the world by himself, Nishinoya started feeling lonely —and scared, when he realised the world was bigger than he thought. If Asahi hadn't tagged along he would have given up and gone back home. But when he did, Nishinoya started enjoying travelling again. They stuck together since then,
Asahi proposed in Paris because they're silly and sappy and in love like that.
Suna and Komori are gossip besties. They talk shit about everyone in the V. Leauge. Osamu joins sometimes. Kiyoomi sells info.
Hinata is allergic to many things.
Atsumu claims he hates his brother but he takes all his teammates to eat dinner at Onigiri Miya three times a week.
Yamaguchi brings lunch to the museum for Tsukki. All the other staff there ADORE him. They're all surprised someone so nice like Yamaguchi is friends with Tsukishima Do Not Interrupt Me While I'm Lecturing About Tyrannosauruses Kei.
Kiyoomi is terrified of insects. (Atsumu wants to make fun of him for it but he's equally scared. Meian rolls his eyes and curses all his life choices as he mumbles "ok you can get off the table now, i threw the spider out" for the fifth time that week.)
Bokuto gives the best hugs. (He spins people around too, to Akaashi's horror. —"Please stop doing that in front of my coworkers, Bokuto-san, I have a reputation.")
Kuroo always interrupts Kenma's livestreams, unintentionally. It starts with a hand that slides a plate for him every five hours. Then there's a whisper yelling of "Eat your vegetables too, I made them with love, Kyanma, have some respect and eat your vegetables." which Kenma only responds with clearing his throat. There's distant chuckles coming from the background or Kenma yelling mid-game "Kuroo get off the net my connection's lagging!" Things like that. They don't say it to public but they don't try to hide that they live together either. (Kodzuken fans started a tag #thatguykodzuliveswith on twitter and they ship the two. Kuroo thinks it's hilarious.)
(This one's a bit sad) Iwaizumi and Oikawa were dating in high school. They were disgustingly in love, too. In their senior year, Oikawa applied for a bunch of teams but got rejected. Since he never made it to Nationals, his resume seemed dull and teams didn't want a rookie setter with no visible success. Among the teams that did accept him, the best one was Club Atletico San Juan, in Argentina. But as uncharacteristically as it may seem, Oikawa was hesitating. Over thinking about what would happen to their relationship, could they really make it work? Was it worth it? Iwaizumi saw right through him, of course he did, and he didn't want to hold him back from achieving his dreams. And like the dramatic idiot he is, he broke up with Oikawa. And did his best to break his heart, too. Oikawa boarded his plane and went to the other side of the world with nothing but anger in his heart for Iwaizumi. Iwa cried a lot, but he was sure that this was the best thing he could do for Oikawa, letting him go. (The next time they saw each other was in the Olympics. After the Japan vs. Argentina match Iwaizumi found him in the locker rooms. Oikawa punched him. They got back together. Or maybe they didn't. I don't know. I like breaking their hearts I like the angst.)
Kiyoomi pretends to hate kids but he gets along with them. (as long as they don't touch him so much they're pretty cool little humans) kids like him a lot. He's surprised too. (I'm projecting—)
Miyas' grandma loves Suna better than both of the twins.
Tendou dragged Ushijima to Disneyland and forced him to do all the stupid things there was with him. (He thought he was forcing him while Ushijima was actually enjoying the trip a lot.) (Also, the moment Tendou saw Ushi with Mickey ears and face paint was the moment he knew.)
Korai and Hirugami have been dating since their last year in high school, but they haven't told their families about it. Years later in Schweiden Adlers, Hirugami's older brother Fukuro is Korai's team captain. And Korai feels so guilty for secretly dating his brother that he can't even look at Fukuro in the eye. They hesitate whether they should tell him or not, and Korai is stressed tf out™ all the time thinking that soon captain's gonna find out and they'll kick him out of the team. And then, one day in a team dinner Fukuro turns to Korai and says, "This place's fish is great, you should take Sachiro on a date here someday, he'll love it." ...He's known the whole time.
Everyone is asexual because I am and I say so.
Atsumu and Kiyoomi are dog parents.
Kenma and Kuroo are cat parents.
Yamaguchi and Tsukki are bird parents.
Suga and Daichi are plant parents.
Thank you for coming to my ted talk.
#haikyuu#haikyu#hq#hq!!#haikyuu!!#headcanons#haikyuu headcanons#miya atsumu#sakusa kiyoomi#yamaguchi tadashi#tsukishima kei#nishinoya yuu#azumane asahi#suna rintarou#komori motoya#kuroo tetsurou#kozume kenma#ushijima wakatoshi#tendou satori#oikawa tooru#iwaizumi hajime#hinata shoyo#literally anyone but kageyama huh#sakuatsu#tsukkiyama#asanoya#kuroken#ushiten#bokuaka#iwaoi
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Hey Archer! I hope you survived the holidays ok and are doing well :) I've been following your activity the last few days with delight - excellent entertainment value! Love the roundtable especially and almost considered going anon for this ask, but that didn't feel right, so Niku I shall remain. ;) I should qualify for the neurodivergent group though (lemme see.... OCD, anxiety, ADHD, dyscalculia.... pick one :D)
Not why I'm here though today. I need to do a bit of ranting, and this time it's not about Bad Buddy but about "Not Me". I hope you don't mind since I know you're watching this one too. Fair warning - this is gonna be a VERY long one since I've been stewing on this for the last few days.....
So.....here's the rub. After the first episode I wasn't quite sure if I liked it, but now we're 3 episodes in and I'm hooked completely - how did this even happen?! This show definitely has the potential to end at least somewhat sad an I REALLY SHOULDN'T get invested... but guess it's too late for that now. *facepalm* This is very very bad.....
Anyway let's talk about White quickly since he is one of the reasons I wasn't sure I liked it initially. At first I found myself very frustrated with him, though that is mostly my own fault since I love "Theory of Love" with a passion and especially Third as a character (just ADORE it when he's being a tiny ball of rage :D ). So I think I was superimposing Third over White and was getting pissed off at White for being so damn restrained. *lol* Needless to say the 3rd episode and his character growth made me very happy. Love the passion that is lurking in the shadows.
But I think the main draw with this show is that it doesn't feel like a BL really but more like "Manner of Death" did in that it deals with some pretty dark, serious topics and the romance isn't the main focus but acts more as an organic part of the storytelling. And I love that. It's also great to see a different side of Thailand, to have a look at the parts we normally don't get to see, and have many of the characters be so very different from the characters we normally see in Thai BL.
Maybe it's due to this I don't find myself connecting with the "main couple" overly much, at least not yet. Don't get me wrong, I love Off and Gun and I think they are fantastic actors, and both Sean and White are very interesting characters, but at this point I'm way more interested in White's personal journey over the next few episodes. And if the romance is part of that then that's great.
HOWEVER this is not why I needed to rant. That reason has a name and it is Yok, and by extension Dan. For fuck's sake, I did NOT see this coming and it completely caught me out of nowhere but when those two locked eyes outside that burning building for the first time in episode 2 it was just MAGNETIC. Seriously, chemistry like that ... and in just a few minutes of screen time. Something magical happened there. So here I am with a serious case of liking the side-dish better than the main course and no clue how it happened *double face palm*
Gotta admit that Yok went under my radar completely up until this scene in ep 2, and then ep 3 happened. The scene with his mute mum literally almost had me in tears... this was some extremely powerful stuff and have Yok a ton more depth.
On a more superficial level - can we talk about those drop arm tank tops that both Gun and Yok have been wearing? That is something I've not seen as a fashion choice in Thai BL before and I ADORE it for some reason. It's just SUCH a god look. Also gives my transmasc self a serious case of body envy but still... SO cool!
So yeah Yok is my bias for that one and I decree that I love him, and even though we only had a few minutes shared screen time with him and Dan I'm already SO invested in them as a couple. It's crazy. Maybe not surprising though since I LOVED Gawin in DBK - Mork is just such an interesting character with just the right balance of bad boy and sensitivity. And it might be an unpopular opinion but I enjoyed the Sun and Mork storyline a lot more than the main couple and ended up just watching their cut ;) So yeah, Mr. Caskey is unbelievably charismatic and even though he's only been in a few scenes in Not Me so far I sense that he's gonna get a super intense storyline.
Ok gotta stop here otherwise you're gonna hate me *lol* Sorry for the deluge but it just.... needed out. Thanks for "listening" :)
Love,
Niku
hey niku!! unfortunately, my holidays are just starting, and all the surviving will begin tomorrow :( it is a bit of a shame that our roundtable is such a secret society, however, i think we can have some honorary members that don't hide their identity!!
i LOVE talking about not me - i am already obsessed with it, so anyone who wants to share something about the series with me is more than welcome.
i will be honest, i did not come to this series for offgun like so many people did, so i felt far more chill about white - however, i am also very much enjoying his character development.
i also can't say that i wasn't expecting to like yokdan as much as i do - i did start watching the series predominantly for gawin, and i was ready to jump on that train from the get-go. however, i am very happy to see that everything i was told about first before is indeed true - he is a great actor, and i am sure happy that he is the person gawin is playing opposite. they are doing an incredible job!
and in connection with what you said closer to the end about gawin - he is one of my favorite actors (there is a reason why i used to be @/gawincaskeyy for almost 2 years on here) and mork is my second favorite character of all time, so i am super excited to see him here.
also, on an even more superficial level, the only thing i was thinking about looking at those tank tops is how good ohm would look in them. sue me. i'm very monogamous with my celebrity crushes glkdf;lgkfd;lgkfd
absolutely adored talking with you about this, return soon!! <3
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Going to the OCD tag is dangerous because it’ll be like “OCD is a very serious disorder, not to be taken lightly! If somebody with OCD can’t perform a compulsion, their day/month/year will be ruined!” And my responses to that are always like
*washing my hands so often that I’m pretty sure the whole outer layer or two of skin is just dead by now, still performing compulsions based on one bad moment from a year ago with no sign of stopping, generally spends every moment of every day thinking about or performing compulsions and living in constant fear of very specific horrible events and pain/harm/death befalling my loved ones* “but I’ve successfully skipped compulsions before without LITERALLY CONSTANTLY feeling guilty and bad about it, maybe my OCD isn’t actually that severe:/”
or it’s “but I’ve successfully skipped compulsions before without LITERALLY CONSTANTLY feeling guilty and bad about it, I SHOULD feel guilty and bad about it because now people will die and get hurt and suffer and it’s all my fault!!!”
like???????? girl no that’s called a victory you don’t have many of those these days why are you not treasuring and aspiring to it!!!!!!!!
I feel so far from lucidity these days lol-.-
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We are oh so many high. No you know what we mean! Too high we think. No good. Don't like. Not at all. We hear something. A frequency. High pitch! Very high! Haha! Like us! Oh no. We don't feel good. Ew. Ringing. We need it to stop. Viiiiibbrrrration!!! We are vibrating together. As one. But no. Makes us sick. Don't like. No. Not at all. Make it stop! We're okay! We're okay. We're good. We're good. 😂🐱😝😜🤣
Seriously though. We're not well. We're very sick. We're sliding sideways. Ew. No like. Feel sick. Very sick. Trying to take our mind off of it by journaling. Did we spell that right? Anyway we don't feel good physically or mentally. Not well. No good. We just wanted to relax and come down from the adhd meds. We have been working so hard on our schoolwork. We need to chill at the end of the day. We chilled far too much! Ha umm We're cold. Don't like that either! What do we like? That's a goooood question, voice in my head! Wait... What were we talking about? Fuck! Ssshhh I mean... fuck. 😂🤣😂🤣
What? Wait. Oh we feel sick. We don't want to bother anyone. We feel like we make people feel uncomfortable. We don't like that. It's not our fault we're this way! We didn't ask to split! We were made this way by some of the very people who we make feel uncomfortable! Ha! Fuck them! Cunts! Ha ha! Bad word! Ssshhh! bad word. i said a bad word. It's okay. They don't care. They like me this way. Ew! Bad bad! OCD! Ew! Icky icky! Intrusive thoughts... Oh. Teen gets this bad. I didn't know. I feel sick. We're confused. I think we're ugh... Coming down a little bit. Sobering up already?... Maaaayyyybe? I don't think we're as bad as we were. I think we're doing okay. This still doesn't feel right. We don't know who I am. I don't know who we are. I don't know who I am. We don't know who we are and that is frustrating and sickening. Like nausea. Barfness but like... From the soul. You know what we mean? Soul vomit?! 🤣😂🤣😂🤢🤮🤣😂 We are starting to feel stupid. Starting to? Yes. Pfft. Mean. I'm not stupid and I'm not a child! Please stop treating me like that! It's rude! And just fucking weird! Stop! Oh sickness coming back. Ew don't like. I fucking get it! Okay? I am FULLY AWARE of what I sound like! But I can't help it! It's not my fault! I didn't disign me! Did we?... Me?... Lol I?... spell that right? What were we talking about again? So cold. We can't keep track of who is where and who is talking. We don't feel well. I know we keep coming back to that. Why are we doing this again? Oh right for comfort? As a distraction! Weirdo! 🤣 Stop! Stop name calling! Please be a grown-up for once! Shaking! Cold. Haha! The FUCK are we doing?! Ugh oh... Mr. B is awake. He's making us doubt ourself. We don't like that at all. Does that mean that we aren't real? Or that we're making it all up? What made him take on that role? He needs help. WE need help. We don't know what we're doing. We don't want to bother anyone. We don't feel like talking anyway. Vinny has a crush on someone we think! 🐱 I'm okay with it. I don't know how the rest feel about it. But someone feels sick about it. Maybe cuz we're too high? Or has Teen's asexuality really shinning this evening? Hmmm? Don't tease him! Omfg! Just stop making us feel sick! Wtf is your problem? Someone isn't happy. How about we post this PRIVATELY until we get a chance to read it sober first? Okay? Does that work for you, Donatello! I fucking knew it! Dude, chill out, man! We're all good here. We're all chill. So we got a little toooooo high. No big deal. Like we haven't done this dance before? Amiright? Am I right? Something? What? What are we doing? Are we feeling better yet? We go sleep? Maybe we go eat? Not at the same time of course! Silly! 🐱 Our thoat hurts. Maybe we burned it. Oh that sucks. Maybe we should go drink some water. I think so. I think we should. And that's how we end this... Umm whatever it was... Is... K bye 🐱
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i mean this very genuinely and i’m not trying to be rude or harsh but I think you are kind of self obsessed and it’s making your life way harder than it needs to be. it seems like you put a lot of stuff on yourself and feel guilt or responsibility for other people’s actions, and it seems like you spend so much time thinking about yourself and hyperanalyzing your perception of your own flaws that you feel like you’re unlovable. i know it’s not easy to get out of that pattern, i used to feel similarly, like i said, i’m not trying to be rude but i think you should hear it and maybe think about working with your therapist to find alternative patterns of thought. bc not everything IS your fault or your responsibility. and frankly feeling like youre unlovable and ugly is only going to make it more difficult for you to find and hold onto love and friendship when it comes. i hope this makes sense and you understand that i say it with compassion
Oh no you aren’t being rude or harsh I promise 💕 I appreciate you reaching out.
I don’t know if I’ve seen it being phrased as self obsessed before, I don’t think I ever thought about it that way either, but it makes a lot of sense when you put it that way honestly! I guess I am self obsessed since I’m in my own head so much. I appreciate the perspective!! 😊
And you’re right I do spend a lot of my time blaming myself and taking responsibility for everything. Please don’t take this an excuse but as an explanation - I think it’s largely to do with my OCD. That probably sounds like a cop out ahaha but a lot of people with OCD have a massive heightened sense of responsibility. Logically I know not everything is my fault, but my brain because of the OCD / rumination/ magical thinking makes it really hard to believe that. It’s definitely something I’m working on in therapy though. I think what contributes to it is I’m at home so much because I don’t work. It’s easy to get stuck in ones head when all I’m doing is laying in bed. My head just naturally does it anyway, but without doing things it makes it so much easier. So that’s absolutely something I need to work on. And as much as I want a job I know it’s not going to come anytime soon so I need to work harder at doing more at home and occupying my time with more things. And leaving the house more regularly for things other then my appointments. I’m used to be lazy though so it’s a work in progress lol 😂
You are also fully right on the last bit!! Constantly being negative and further perpetuating my low self esteem absolutely isn’t going to help in my endeavour to find love. I don’t necessarily believe that I can’t love others until I love myself - but I do believe my self hatred can make it a lot harder for others to love or like me. So it’s a self fulfilling prophecy in that regard. And I think it’s mainly my fault because a lot of it is linked to my body image issues / ed and that’s just something I refuse to fully get help for in therapy at the moment because I don’t feel ready. So I know it’s my fault but it’s something I’m not sure on how to break at the moment.
But ! My support worker and I are going to try and do a yoga class or something together so maybe that will help aha.
Thank you again for reaching out and being so kind and insightful, I really appreciate it. And I don’t worry I absolutely wasn’t upset with what you said - you weren’t too harsh or anything ☺️💕💕
I hope you have a beautiful day! 🌸💕💕
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OCD! What the fuck is it? WELL-
Recently, I started to find out more about OCD and what it means. It was with research that I realised that I fit into the criteria- I’m now talking to my therapist about how to work on my more distressing obsessions and compulsions.
There’s still a very strong voice in my head that i’m making this up, that i’m being a self-diagnosing idiot (that’s anxiety for you!), even though I have my therapist’s support. But the truth is: the reason I feel that way is because I spent so long misunderstanding OCD, that it seems impossible that I could have it. There is almost no real awareness of what OCD means.
OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Obsessions and compulsions can be many, many different things.
Obsessions= the thoughts
Compulsions= the subsequent behaviours
Compulsions
Let’s start with compulsions, since these are the things that people notice first about an OCD sufferer.
1. Common Compulsions/Behaviours
The most well-known compulsions that you might come across:
Checking
Tidying and cleaning
Rearranging objects
Washing/grooming yourself
These are the compulsions that you’ll SEE. You see them on telly. You’d expect to see these in someone with OCD. Everyone does some of these things to some extent- which is how you get people being like
“OMG I’M sooooooo ocd ahahaha”
Not only does that trivialise the intense anxiety and suffering that people with OCD go through, it’s also just like. Wrong.
2. The Undiscussed Compulsions
It’s the huge lack of awareness and misunderstanding of how OCD works that means that it wasn’t until a few months ago that I found out that these are also examples of compulsions:
Over-apologising
Constantly seeking reassurance
Mental compulsions/punishments
guilt-tripping yourself
special words repeated
special prayers repeated in a particular way
going over past events over and over (perhaps trying to convince yourself that you’ve done something terrible)
Avoiding places or situations
Collecting/hoarding
Counting
Bodily habits such as rubbing skin, or dermatillomania (which is when you obsessively pick at your skin)
Being overly-superstitious (eg. if I don’t salute that single magpie, I’ll get in a car accident)
Compulsions can be covert. That means, they can be mental- like praying to yourself obsessively in your head- so no one else witnesses them. An example of overt compulsions, that is a habit that is physical/seen, is tidying.
“Typically, the individual experiences a sense of resistance to the act but this is overridden by the strong, subjective drive to perform the action. Most often the principal aim behind the compulsive behaviour is to generate relief (usually only temporary) from the anxiety elicited by the preceding obsession.”
Obsessions
Now that we’ve talked about the compulsions, the things that people might see in their OCD suffering friends and family: all these behaviours/compulsions are all caused by obsessions.
1. Common Obsessions
Sometimes, an obsession is seeing something and your monkey brain saying THAT DOESN’T LOOK RIGHT. IT’S WRONG. VERY WRONG. so you get a huge bout of anxiety and uneasiness- maybe feelings that something will go wrong if you don’t fix it immediately. So then you have to fix it somehow- maybe tidying or rearranging or cleaning. (These are the compulsions.)
This is probably the most well known obsession associated with OCD. I get this a little bit, but not a lot, which is why I didn’t realised I had OCD till like, last week.
There are so many ways that OCD manifests. They are very often to do with an anxiety, or fear about:
Contamination
harm/being unsafe
body/physical symptoms
symmetry and ‘perfection’
Feeling that you have done, or will do something bad (for example that you’re going to cause an accident whilst driving, or that the thing you did three years ago will get you arrested)
These all can overlap with each other. A fear of being unsafe is linked to a fear that something bad will happen, for example.
2. Intrusive Thoughts As Obsessions
BUT HERE’S THE BIGGEST MISUNDERSTANDING ABOUT OCD: WE ALSO GET INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, AND OBSESS OVER THEM.
Intrusive thoughts are weird, random, sometimes violent thoughts that just pop into your head seemingly out of nowhere. For example: “Hey, how about we just like drop kick that toddler lol” or “how about we stand up in the middle of this silent meeting and shout BOLLLOOOOCCCCKKKKS”
Now, everyone gets intrusive thoughts, to some extent. We tend to look at that thought and go
- and then move on.
So like, people with OCD can’t just move on. We obsess over the thought. We wonder why we got the thought; we punish ourselves for the thought; we avoid particular situations for fear that we’re going to act out the thought; we give the thought weight. We develop compulsions to negate the thought.
Examples that cause OCD sufferers intense distress and recur, are thoughts of the following nature:
Violence (towards yourself or others)
Sexual
of being a pedophile
of assaulting someone
of cheating
of incest
of being homosexual/straight when you aren’t
Suicidal thoughts (this is not the same as planning suicide. If you are planning your suicide in detail rather than suddenly experiencing a distressing thought about it, then you should call Samaritans xxxx)
That you’re about to hurt someone (such as accidentally poisoning someone)
The way that these intrusive thoughts work tends to be self-sabotaging. It’s your mind’s way of identifying what you care about most, and trying to ruin it for you. For example, a mother might have the sudden, unwanted thought of throwing their baby out of a window. Or, a parent/guardian/teacher might have the intrusive thought that they could be a pedophile.
There could be many reasons why your mind does this, and the triggers are personal. Each OCD person should discuss these thoughts with their counsellor or therapist to find out what the route of this thinking is.
3. Do I Have OCD? Does My Friend/Family Member Have OCD?
The main thing to remember for anyone out there who suffers intrusive thoughts is: these thoughts don’t mean that you are what they say you are. It’s kind of the opposite. Because if they disgust you and cause you so much distress, it means that you are desperately, urgently NOT that thing. Intrusive thoughts telling you that you want to sleep with a family member, for example, doesn’t mean that you actually want to. Your OCD brain has identified something/someone you care about, and is trying to ruin it for you.
“To sufferers and non-sufferers alike, the thoughts and fears related to OCD can often seem profoundly shocking. It must be stressed, however, that they are just thoughts, and they are not voluntarily produced. Neither are they fantasies or impulses which will be acted upon.”
About me:
Obsessions: I have every single one of those intrusive thoughts, a lot. I get them when I’m particularly stressed; I get them when I’m in a really good place, and my mind is trying to ‘save myself’ from failure/rejection by ruining it. I also get the feeling of intense dread that I’ve done something wrong: even though I can’t think of a single reason why I would. I obsess over flu/cold symptoms, thinking I have meningitis. I obsess over my spending. I obsess over not being comfortable in bed, specifically my duvet (it’s not in the right place, it’s not symmetrical, the duvet isn’t in the corners properly....) I obsess over the presence of a person next to me in a bed; regardless of who it is, it gives me intense anxiety if I’m sharing a bed. Honestly- not many people have witnessed my physical/tidying obsessions because they’re all routed in sleeping habits and beds.
My compulsions range from over-apologising, seeking reassurance, dermatillomania, over-counting my finances and spending, guilt-tripping myself, praying in A Particular Way Or Satan Will Find Me, repeating mantras, going over past events at every angle until I want to cry because I’ve made myself feel so guilty about something that wasn’t actually my fault. And messing with my bed until it looks like I’m lying under a perfectly straight, unwrinkled sheet of paper. And also kicking people out of my bed, or sleeping on the floor to avoid sharing.
If you think you display some of the above in this post, you may or may not have OCD! Either way, you are not alone.
If you know someone who displays some of the above, listen to them. Try not to judge them. Try not to give them reassurance that their intrusive thoughts will never come to fruition: as odd as that sounds, that tends to fan the flame of the compulsions, rather than help.
Go forward and be free. Lots of love. x <3
#ocd#cw mental health#tw suicide#tw violence#tw sex mention#obsessive compulsive disorder#i chat shit
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First
Welp all the user names were taken so I had to misspell “multipersonalty” To be honest, I don’t entirely dislike it, I’m sure it will slowly grow onto me. Does anyone even use tumblr anymore? LOL I use to be a tumblr addict back in the high school/ early college days but then stopped cause life happened and I was too busy doing what I thought was “living.” I actually wasn’t “living.” I just realized very recently that all my life I was not self aware. I just started becoming self aware and it is scaring the living shit out of me. Each time I go down memory lane and come to terms that I actually went through what I went through, it makes me paranoid as fuck. Considering all that I have gone through and what I needed to do in order to “survive” and “carry on”, it’s pretty understandable and reasonable why I am the way I am as for everyone else in the world. But I can’t help but feel like all my life, I have been disassociating myself in order to get through the day. Is this why I feel like I’m fake and not genuine? I don’t mean any harm to anyone but I always feel like I have to hide who I really am and not show how I really feel.
As you can see from the title, I am living with multiple personalities and it is ruining my life? Well, I guess not really cause I feel like I actually need all my personalities to survive this crazy life I’m living in. Might be a defensive mechanism but who knows right? I chose not to get professional help because I don’t want to waste my money on something I can do on my own. All it takes is time, patience, and a whole lot of effort. Each one of me plays a crucial part but I can honesty do without the OCD and Binge Eater. These 2 takes a toll out of me. There is always an internal battle inside my head that drains me physically and mentally. Just gotta find new ways to shut them the fuck up when they are interfering with my life. Anyways I chose to start writing in tumblr and not reddit because I am not ready to share this with the world yet, even though I know that others might be going through the same thing I’m going through and reading this might help them or make them feel less alone. This is for me. I want to write without filter. Maybe I will post this to wider audience when the time comes. Who knows. I feel like I’ve been going through so much and if I don’t atleast write this down somewhere, all my experience will be a lost cause. Hopefully, the right ones will stumble across this by accident.
Started of 2021 to an okay start I would say. Okay is an understatement. I am actually trying my hardest, giving my best shot. Decided to take a leap and impulsively agree to move out of my house because I am in desperate needs of a new life. I agreed to moving in with my boss’s daughter without even thinking twice. That is how desperate I was. Here is why. For the past 3 years, I’ve been living with an eating disorder, multiperesonality disorder, DID, OCD and who knows what else is wrong with me. Everyday for the past 3 years, I’ve been binging and purging. Not a day goes by without my throwing up. I don’t want to blame it on my cheating ex because at the end of the day, we are accountable for out own actions. But long story short, near the beginning of our relationship, my ex heated on me with a prostitute during his trip to Amsterdam and the rest was history. I was a naive college grad who was not self aware at the time and that cheating incident literally ruined me. I sunk to rock bottom, zero self esteem, zero ambition, zero motivation, zero everything. I had nothing. My main goal was just to be happy with my ex but I was waiting for it to magically happen. Did not know how much effort and hard work it took. So I stayed and lived with him for a few years and did nothing but drink and purge my life away everyday. I was always on edge everyday cause I was reminded by what he did. I just did not know what to do or how to get better. I was a rock bottom and eventually, let my demons take over. I ended up cheating on him at the end and that was my rock bottom. We broke up cause his ego could not let himself forgive me but we did not end on an entirely bad note. We did say we were both at fault and we did both apologize. We broke up at the end of 2019 before the pandemic hit and boy was that a big foreshadow in my life lol. I was still binging and purging and drinking everyday for about 1 more year until end of December 2019 and this was when I decided to move out of my old house because a part of me inside really needed a change in environment. I would still be stuck doing the same old unhealthy habits that would’ve driven me to my own death if I stayed there.
So here I am. In a new apartment, in a less nice neighborhood, living with my boss’s daughter. Most of you would say this is stupid and a bad idea. Trust me, this move is what will make me stronger and what will push me in the right direction in life. So far, I have been playing the bigger person, cleaning up after us both, choosing the shittier room with a broken window and door knob, making phone calls, paying bills, etc. But of course, she did help me with other tings as well. It’s just that I did not move to live lavishly. I did this for self improvement and self growth. There are times when i want to go back and just binge away, but I know that is stepping backwards in life. So far, after the move, I only binged and purged once. I am very proud of myself. I have been keeping up with a daily work out and strict diet. Ofcourse, the binger inside me is making it very hard for me to stay on this restrictive diet. But I am gonna have to learn how to overcome this. This post was just a ranting post cause I want to get some thoughts written down so atleast I have something to share in case I die. I want atleast someone to know about my story. I will make a schedule to follow after this post so I can hold myself accountable.
P.S. the photo included is the first meal I actually ate and not purged. Was a small (or big I guess) turning point in my life.
#new year 2021#multiple personality disorder#binging#staystrong#ocd#disassociative identity disorder
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