#let me backdate this lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

levantea · 2 years

Text

Insomnia | h.hyunjin

Pairing: neighbour/tablemate!hyunjin x insomnia!y/n

Genre: some angst and fluff at the end :D

Rating: PG

Warning: curse words, arguments, slamming, throwing things lol, really long one shot splitted to 4 parts

Word Count: 10k

Author’s note: well, i suddenly thought of this theme cuz im having insomnia on alternate days so let’s not put it to waste, i really hope that it flows till the end cuz its my first time writing such long one shot, if you like it please like and comment !!

Synopsis: “All i needed was you to lean on me more.”

Masterlist 🖤

———————————————————————————

I hate him.

I hate everything about him.

I hate that he was always the one seeing my vulnerable side when i tried so hard to keep it away from the outside world.

I hate that no matter how many clashes i had with him, he still appeared infront of me without fail whenever i was at my worst.

I hate that no matter how much i hate him, my heart still beats for him.

Why can’t i resist you when i hate you so much?

ᴏɴᴇ.

“Day 465 of insomnia,” you mocked at yourself while looking at the calendar record on your phone.

It has been a year and 100 days since you were diagnosed with insomnia and no matter how many pills you popped in to drive your sleep, you still ended up having eyes widely open, staring into the darkness and the barely visible ceiling above you.

“What will happen if the ceiling falls?” “What will happen if i fell asleep someday and god just decides to take me away” you asked yourself these kind of stupid questions everyday at 3am. No matter how much you flipped on your bed, no matter how many soothing music you played repeatedly for the whole night, no matter how long your diffuser was on, no matter how dark the environment is, you still can’t sleep.

All was because of an incident that backdated to a day before you started falling out of slumber.

—

1 year and 100 days back

That day was a rainy day and you received a call from one of your classmates to pick up your ex boyfriend at a bar. You remembered clearly that he told and reassured you that he was just having a gathering with his guy friends whom they never met for a year and will be home before 12am. You always trusted him as he never betrayed or created any suspicions before, hence you didn’t stop him from going anywhere with his friends since he needed some personal time too.

You were never a demanding girlfriend that requested him to stay by your side 24/7 or spending large amount of money on yourself. All you needed was someone to lean on and listen to you, showering you with love that helps to compensate for the lack of love from your family. If you would like to compare your family against your close friends ones, you can simply conclude that your family is the most chaotic out of all.

Father was being a useless piece of shit that barely work hard to earn money for the family, mother was being a Type A who controls every single shit she sees. They both always fought, especially during the weekends, about money.

Money, money, money. Yeah, money is not the problem but the problem is having not enough money. Your family is mostly financially supported by your mother, which you can understand where her frustrations come from. It is just the way of her expressing was more like an attacking mode, eventually causing your self defense to rise. She would always find any sorts of reasons to pick a fight with you since you were 7 and things hasn’t turn well even though you are entering adulthood. You were raised up to be tough and you barely shed any tears, because you learn by hard that no one will understand you. The only source of happiness you can get from then was to have a boyfriend, and you did receive them until that day.

After ending the call, you swiftly grabbed an umbrella and dashed to the bus stop without wearing an extra layer outside to retain your body warmth. All you knew was to get there fast and bring your boyfriend home, make him a cup of hot tea and tuck him in his beds. You already got your plans out until it was shattered when you arrived at the bar and you saw most of his friends were tipsy or drunk, collapsing on the tabletop. However, the only person you didn’t see was your boyfriend, hence you approached one of his friends who was still partially sober as compared to the others.

“Jayden? Jayden is in….is in…. the… washroom i think,” he shakily pointed at the direction of the washroom, smiling foolishly before making a burp from the alcohol he took. You knew that he was going drunk soon so you quickly asked before he passed out. You mumbled a ‘thanks’ before walking to the washroom, while passing by many males and females who were around your age, clinging onto one another and making whispers to each other’s ears, exchanging seductive looks, making unnecessary touches on each others’ bodies, causing you to internally puke at the sight you caught.

How filthy this place could go, you judged.

You were never fond of bars or clubs as you felt that the environment was too shady and many people who went there were to find hookups, one night stands or friends with benefits, which were never your thing. However, you closed one eye as you heard that your boyfriend kind of enjoy it occasionally and you tried to understand from his point of view. Even though you dislike it, you can’t possibly stop him from going since he has his own rights too. And now you blamed yourself for being too kind on him when you looked back at it.

You finally arrived at the entrance of the gents toilet, but you were hesitating if you should barge in as you were worried if there were other guys in there, but you were also afraid that your boyfriend may pass out in the toilet before exiting the bar. After moments of self conflict, you decided to go for the riskier choice which was to barge in. Right before you pushed the door, a hand grabbed onto your wrist firmly, stopping you in your actions.

You turned around to find a guy who was almost a head taller than you, having a blonde neck length hair with a half ponytail, wearing grey contacts and his skin was pale and flawless, together with slight smokey eyeshadow. His lips were exceptionally attractive - pink, glowy and plump, passively seducing you. He was wearing a red and black racer long-sleeve shirt with a pair of leather pants that were hugging his torso perfectly, showing the outline of his broad shoulders yet thin waist, as well as his long legs which makes him alluring. Despite being taken, your heart still skipped unconditionally when he was intensely staring at you or even into your soul, while holding onto your wrist.

“Don’t go in,” his manly and husky voice projected to your ear and you hated to admit that he sounded nice as well. However, you felt more puzzled when he asked you not to go in, with the fact that you both don’t know each other.

“Why?” you spitted out of defensiveness. Being an egoistic and bold person, you don’t like to be ordered around and you like to act spontaneously. The more people ask you not to do so, the more you want to do it. Coming back to reality, you slowly started to feel offended when he just came out of nowhere, stopping you in your tracks as if he knew what you wanted to do all time long. As much as he was that charming, you still have some sense of rationality and bearing in mind that your task was to collect your ex boyfriend home.

“You will regret,” he also answered you sassily while tightening his grip on your wrist, making you feel uncomfortable and tried to resist his grip.. You snapped off as you started to lose patience talking to a stranger who acted all mighty infront of you. You internally cursed at the guy for being a nosy posy and you hissed at him, ignoring what he just warned you and forcefully claimed back your hand to push the door open.

“I told you not-“ the latter behind you rolled his eyes when he saw you ignoring him and as he was about to hold you back, you were already inside the gents and it was out of the distance that he could still grab onto you. He cursed silently before following your traces, praying that time would slow down before you see what you would never expected yourself to see,

but god decided to be evil that day, or the otherwise.

You went in seeing no one in the toilet and now you don’t understand why the guy earlier on wanted to hold you back. You already formed a bad impression of him in your mind but what was more important was to find your nowhere to be seen ex boyfriend whom his friend claimed that he was here. You saw all the cubicle doors were open and you became confused. You paused in your steps a little to process the whole place, until you heard faint sounds coming from your right side.

The janitor’s room.

That was the only corner you didn’t check as you thought that it was meant for the janitors and typically who in the right mind would hide in there when they are coming into the washroom. However, the closer you walked to the janitor’s room, the sound that was coming out from there also gotten louder.

It wasn’t just a normal fiddling sound, but more of obscene sounds, or you would call it as moans. You started to suspect if there were people having intercourse in the tiny room, which was kind of normal in a bar or club to have people fucking in any corner but the key question was, who were the ones fucking?

You internally prayed to god that they were strangers and better not be your ex boyfriend. Even though you said you trusted him, but the odds on him fucking in a bar with a hot girl was not entirely impossible. Anxiety started to kick in as you had cold sweat, trembling hands and your feet turned numb as you took each step closer to that room. The guy behind you could no longer stop you and what he hoped was, you wouldn’t overreact too much or create a scene in the gents room.

You mastered all your courage and took a peep at the small gap in between the door after taking a deep breath to calm yourself down. As you looked in it closely, you could see a male figure who had similar body build as your ex boyfriend but you couldn’t confirm as his back was facing the door. Waiting a little more, you finally saw the extremely familar face when he turned his position to fuck the girl in another position. What’s worse, the girl who was getting fucked wasn’t simply a stranger,

she was one of your closer friend in class.

Your whole mind just went blank. You still couldn’t believe your eyes who just caught the whole steamy session between someone you loved and someone you cherished. All the symptoms of your anxiety seemed to worsened and you felt like fainting in that moment, but you still gritted on your teeth and forced yourself to stay awake.

Hatred, betrayal, disappointment, distrust, anger - all sorts of negative feelings piled up in you at once when the scene still went on and sounds getting louder. You really wanted to tear the door down and confront them but you felt your legs were nailed to the floor.

Was it because you were being too taken aback, or was it because of your anxiety, or was it because you were not courageous enough to confront them?

You were standing there, absorbing whatever was playing for a good 5 minutes before deciding to leave that fucked up place and fucked up people for your own good. You arrived to a conclusion that there was no point wasting your time and effort to talk to people who don’t even respect you, not to mention about breaking your trust. Before leaving, you saw the guy who was stopping you earlier on leaned against the wall, watching everything that was showcasing infront of him as if he was watching a drama.

You hated him. You hated that he was there for no reason when it did not involve him at all but he just had to be there at such a right time right place to watch how amusing you are. You hated how he looked into your eyes with pity when you were already getting riled up and you hoped to walk infront of him and slap his face, asking him to stop looking at you as if you needed that pity.

What made you hated him the most was him running behind you after you dashed out of the bar, walking under the rain, in hope that the rain will wash away the filthy scene you saw and the dirty people you knew. He followed behind you for a good 15 mins and both of you were drenched as hell.

“Why are you following me? Do you know me? Do i know you?” you finally stopped in your tracks and turned to look at him, throwing questions at him to hear his response. You couldn’t care if he was going ro be hurted or offended by your words, because that moment you hated males so much that you prayed they will just disappear from earth that instant.

“I don’t know you, you don’t know me, i followed you because i was worri-“

“Shut the fuck up, don’t need you to act saint here, if you want to have a hookup just fucking ask it away, if not then fuck off,” you spitted at him as you glared at him in his eyes, only to find his gaze getting colder.

“Hookup?! What do you mean? Oh so you actually thought that everyone who go to bar are horny people who just wants to get laid?!” You could see that he was triggered as well when he took big steps and stood right infront of you, spitting into your face.

Even though you knew that only a handful of them are like that, but you were too preoccupied by your grievance and you spiky personality that gave rise to that conflict.

“So?! Don’t all guys do that? I don’t believe you guys just go to the bar, sit there, drink alcohol with friends when it could be done at home in the same way. If so, all bars can shut down already,” you retaliated back and it became an eye staring contest.

If only you were a guy, you sweared that he could have just punch you in your face because you were being such an asshole. He stayed silent after you finished your sentence, passively proving that your statement is somehow valid.

“See? I’m right, guys are no different from one another,” you letted out a sarcastic laughter and passer-bys were judging both of you, arguing for nothing while standing under the heavy downpour. You decided to turned to your heels and left him there, but your legs decided to give way at such a good timing, causing you to fall on your knees, right smack on the concrete path and bleed from the abrasions.

“Fuck my damn life,” you cursed as you felt that you have never been such a clown in your whole 18 years of life, especially in public and someone you don’t know and had conflict with.

He must be mocking at my stupidity, he must be and he have to be because i am one.

You tried to stand back up but you noticed that you strained your ankle as you stumbled upon your steps. You were close to falling again until you felt someone holding you firmly by your waist, preventing another tragedy.

“Stop being so stubborn woman, i know you are upset but get a hold of yourself first,” the guy behind you hissed, once again triggering your self defense mechanism and you tried to push him away.

“Why would you care? Let me die then, im better off- oi!” Before you could even finish your sentence, you were already being carried in bridal style by the guy you fought earlier, leaving you speechless.

“Did i sa-“

“You are talking too much, save some energy,” he cutted you off once again and brought you back to the direction that the bar was located and you questioned the route.

Rude bitch, you thought and rolled your eyes at him.

“Getting my car is faster than the bus that drives at grandpa speed,” he took out the key that was in his pocket and pressed to activated it in seconds. You were watching silently and lowkey in awe that he did everything so seamlessly and was weirdly mesmerising to you. You shook you head vigorously and mentally scolded yourself that you were being crazy and heartbroken, thus everything you saw and heard was wrong and you just needed to sleep it away.

You didn’t bother to argue with him anymore as you started to feel headache and body heating up due to the rain and the pain that was piercing your skin. Nonetheless, those cannot be compared to the pain in your heart that cannot be bandaged.

You find it absurd that after all the childish arguments you had with the dude beside you, he was still being patient enough to run his way to you and carry you back home. Even though your instinct was telling you that he most likely have another agenda against you, but it is still better as compared to your ex, who was still busy fucking in the janitor’s room and didn’t bother to give a shit about calling or texting where he was.

Maybe a hookup is better than a relationship, you started to reconsider your stand against relationship and wondering if you should open your choices, since you are pretty popular in school as well.

You took over the towel that was handed by the guy beside you to wipe away the raindrops on your body to avoid worsening your cold and you mumbled a ‘thank you’ that was inaudible, but you were too sick of talking about anything and just wanting to get into the bathtub and sleep.

But the problem is, even if you want to try to get some nap in the car, the moment you close your eyes, all you can see was the whole scene replaying non stop, which was comparable to a nightmare.

“Annoying piece of shit,” you cursed under your breath as you harshly opened your eyes and looked out of the window. The sleepiness was long gone as your brain can’t get that incident out of your brain.

The whole trip was silent until you arrived at an apartment’s carpark that you did not see before.

“Where is this?” you asked.

“My house.”

ᴛᴡᴏ.

Weird.

He is weird.

He is definitely not what he is.

As much as you could remember that night, you sweared that you didn’t expect yourself to walk out of his house safe and sound, you were ready to be thrown with questions such as “do you want to be friends with benefits with me” “trust me, i will treat you well” etc but it didn’t happen.

What’s more, a guy who is a badboy, who drinks, who smokes and vapes, who has tattoo on his arm and leg was freaking, taking care the shit of you. No matter how much you whined and pushed him off, he still stayed there in silent to clean you up, feed you with medicine, tuck you to sleep and comforted you when you woke up from a really bad nightmare.

That’s why you thought he was weird. Someone who don’t know you could take care of you so well, uncomparable to a boyfriend you had for 2 years.

You asked him, why did he took all the initiative, he just replied, “you were too broken to care for yourself and i am the only one there who can do it.”

It was unnecessary though, really. Which stranger in the right fucking mind would go to that extend and not do anything out of limit? He could have just ask for your address and drop you there, or bring you to a hotel and leave you there or even ask for more, but the whole experience felt like, you were his girlfriend.

Not giving up, you continued to probe him in the morning before you left until he finally admitted that “because you looked like my ex” that pissed you off. You were tilted not because he mentioned his ex but because he took you in due to your pathetic circumstance and he resembled you with someone that was his past lover when you don’t even know her, or even him.

“You know, i would rather you to not take me in and left me there instead of acting all nice and treating me like a princess when im not even your ex nor do i even know her. I know i am pathetic, but the things you did just make me feel like im even worthless, i can’t even be myself and i have to look like your fucking ex. If i didn’t look alike, you would probably ask me for sex or left me there already? Even though i am thankful for your care but really, if you already knew i am not your ex, then i would rather all this to not happen at the first place. Well, what has happened has happened, let’s just act as if we don’t know each other,” you dropped your lines and walked to the door, wearing your still dampened shoes. Right before leaving, you reminded him “by the way, my name is y/n, not your whichever ex that you dated.”

Honestly, you kind of regretted what you said after you left the house while taking a cab home. Maybe out of anger from the day before, you just transferred all your negative feelings to someone whom you barely know and don’t deserve to receive that from you, despite linking you to his ex. His intention wasn’t bad at the start, but you just felt like you hated everything you see and hated your existence on this world. If you could rewind the time, you hope to apologise to him for being so rude after he took care of you that night for no matter what reasons.

Maybe God has heard it, he planned it for you.

After you returned home, you mother asked you into her room and announced to you that you will be moving out with them and into another apartment as the rental fee has increased in your current house while she bought a second hand apartment which was cheaper. She also asked you if you would like to transfer to another college that is closer or remain. You told her to give you 2 days to think about and left to wash up.

From that day night onwards, sleeping became an almost impossible routine for you as you flipped through your bedsheets countless times, sourcing for remedies to solve your insomnia but none of them actually worked. Strangely, you also don’t feel lethargic in the day and everything goes on as per normal. You were not sure what exactly caused it but all you knew was, you felt your emotions getting numb and you barely smile anymore.

Also thanks to the insomnia, you made up your mind to change school as you summarised that the current college you were in was full of toxic bitches and you wouldn’t want to face the 2 of them anymore.

You get out of bed early next day to pack your bag and prepared to submit the transfer letter that you did it in the middle of the night. You only told a few of your closer friends that stick by you for the past 2 years. When you were packing your remaining books, your ex boyfriend came to you and acted as if nothing happened, asking why you didn’t answer his texts or calls the day before when you got home from the guy’s house.

You saw the girl that was getting fucked stood a distance away, staring at the both of you and you betted she thought you couldn’t see it. You didn’t want to act stupid anymore but just replied, “does it even matter anymore? You should care for the one behind you more.”

You smirked when he turned his head behind and saw the girl flustered when you caught her red handed. Your ex boyfriend turned his head back to you and his facial expression changed.

You knew something, or everything.

“Let’s end this Jayden, we don’t suit, and you already knew all time long,” you slammed the locker door infront of him, zipping up your filled bag and walked down the corridor to leave the school. You couldn’t care much about the latter calling you from behind, trying to explain what you saw was what you thought but, only ghosts would believe in that.

You were proud of yourself for ending everything in a day - transfer of school, breaking up with your ex, tearing the friendship apart with that girl and leaving that shitty neighbourhood. No tears were shed, no complains were made, only actions proven your disappointment towards the area you grew up in.

Your mother didn’t expect you to agree to moving out so fast as you always retaliated the thought of it. For once the house was peaceful during the packing process and it was done within 2 days to move into the new apartment. Before leaving, you took a one last, detailed look of the house you spent 18 years in and it is time to put an end to it. Maybe changing a new environment helps to bring your sleep back. Even not, at least it means a new chapter of life will be starting.

When the truck drove into the vicinity of your new apartment, you realised that it looked awfully similar to the guy’s apartment that you went. You rubbed your eyes and looked out of the window again. To your dismay, it is the exact apartment he lived in because you could never forget his block number - 203. If you did not remember wrongly, he lived on the 10th floor, and you were silently praying that you were not moving into 10th floor as well.

Once again, God must be kidding you and you started to believe that God is bringing both of you together despite how much you want to stay a distant from him.

The moment your mother pressed on the 10th floor button, you felt thunder strikes right infront of your sight and your anxiety came back again.

Shit, what if he is right infront of us when the lift door opens? Shit, what will happen if we meet along the corridor? Shit, what if i need to converse with him?

Many what-ifs were popping in your mind as you couldn’t stop yourself from overthinking the different types of encounters you would have with him and how should you be acting like.

The lift door opened and there was no one out there. You letted out a soft ‘phew’ to ease your palpitating heart as you walked towards your new apartment. Thankfully, nothing happened as the corridor was empty as hell and you managed to enter the house safely.

Even though God spared you that time, you mother didn’t. After all the carton boxes arrived in the house, you were busy packing until your mother gave you another smaller carton which was filled with rice cakes. It was a tradition that when one move into a new house, they will give their neighbours ricecakes and welcome them to their house for housewarming. You always hated people coming to your house as you felt that it was such a hassle and some people just don’t know what courteousy meant, freeloading all the food they want without feeling embarrassed.

You had no choice but to distribute them and you were really praying hard the guy was not home so you don’t need to face him but you guessed it was all meant to be.

Knock knock. Omg please don’t open the door, please don’t open-

Click.

“Fuck my life,” you cursed under your breath when you saw the door opened, showing a similar male figure standing infront of you. It has only been a week and right now you are standing infront of him again despite you swearing not to meet him again.

He smirked as he looked at you top to bottom, passively teasing you, “oh?! thought you said not to meet again? but here you are standing right infront of me without me inviting.”

You really want to turned your heels and leave but you side-eyed seeing your mum observing your actions at the door and you have no choice but to put on a fake smile.

“Oh uhm hi, uh we just moved over today so my mum wanted me to give you the ricecake…” you voice trailed off as you stumbled when giving the ricecake. You mum couldn’t bear seeing your dumb actions and she rushed over beside you, widening her eyes when she saw the visual of the guy.

“Materialistic,” you mumbled which was loud enough for the guy to hear as he smirked more under your eyes. Your mother instantly had a 360 degree change in her facial expressions and her tone was extremely polite, “Oh hi handsome! oh yes we just moved over, this is a ricecake for you, when you are free do come over to our house for a meal!”

You darted your eyes over to your mother and nudged her hands, but it was unsuccessful as she managed to avoid it before you do it, making you even awkward.

He took over the ricecake from your mother and smiled, “will do, i am free tomorrow night, i can drop by yea.”

You internally facepalmed at the 2 people infront of you and you really hope that the ground will swallow you up right now.

What the fuck was he trying to do? Didn’t i say not to meet again, don’t he understand?

You didn’t bother to stay there longer as you knew that your mother will probably stick around there because she had her eyes glued on him, as if she was choosing her future son-in-law.

“Let’s go mum, don’t bother people more,” you pulled her off and bring her back to the house.

You plopped down on your bed, roughly combed your hair back as you were still processing the whole moving house thing and how you actually became neighbours with the guy you don’t wish to meet.

“Crazy, this is crazy, life is crazy.”

ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ.

“Y/n, go set the tables, im going to call the handsome boy over in 15 mins time,” your mother ordered you from the kitchen as you glide your way from your room, unwillingly answered with a “mhm” to the kitchen to take out all the cutleries.

You were extremely unwilling to have that meal but you had no choice, who asked you to still being unable to be financially independent and move out of the house. It was only a day of peace before your parents start fighting moments back, until your father stepped out of the house to give each other some air time.

You always told yourself that “i don’t claim any negative energy from this” but you still ended up getting affected - unable to sleep due to anxiety, trauma, past problems haunting you. You tried to cry to release but you just couldn’t drop a single tear.

15 minutes was really fast as your mother almost dashed out of the house to knock on the guy’s door. You waited at your own house door to invite the guest in despite you pushing the role to your mum. It was her who invited him, not you. But you still gave in because she was close to picking a fight with you again so you decided to shut up and just stand there.

You could hear conversations exchanged between the 2 of them which caused you to roll your eyes. They barely knew each other but they were already talking as if they were each other’s godmother and godson.

“Welcome to our house! Make yourself feel like home okay, come take out your shoes and join me,” your mother served the guest as he bowed a little to show his gratitude, before darting his eyes over to you.

Why does his gaze always seems like more than just a stare?

You lowered your head right after your eyes met his burning stare and mumbled a ‘welcome’, closing the door behind you after he entered your house. He simply nodded and followed your mum, making you internally shouted a ‘sassy’ behind his back.

“Come take a seat, ill get you both a bowl of rice, you guys can talk first,” your mother decided to put on the “all nice mummy” figure which you don’t often see it in her.

You awkwardly stood by the table as you were contemplating where to sit. If you sit beside him, you both would be very close to one another. If you sit with your mum, you would be sitting opposite him and you have to face him everytime you eat. Either choice don’t seem very appealing to you.

“Why are you standing there? Sit beside him,” your mother glared at you for not knowing how to entertain guest and pointed to the seat beside him with her head as she placed the rice bowl on the table. She changed her expression in split seconds again and talked to him nicely.

Who is her biological child excuse me?

You silently walked to the other side of the table and sat down, looking down at the rice as you were unsure of where to look. Look at him? look at your mum? look at the pillar? Maybe looking at the food is better.

You saw a hand shifted a pair of cutleries from your right side and you looked up and back to your rice. You then realised you placed your own set with his because you were distracted. You mouthed a ‘thank you’ and shyly take them over, silently eating your food.

Throughout the whole meal, your mother was outright shooting questions at the guy, whose name was Hyunjin when your mother asked, never leaving out a single detail of it.

“What’s your name?” “How old are you?” “Where’s your family?” “Where are you studying?” “Do you have a girlfriend?” “What is your ideal type?” etc kind of questions. The more you hear her going on and on, you felt like covering her mouth and ask her to stop harassing him. What surprised you was, Hyunjin didn’t even show a single impatience towards your mother, but gladly answering every single of them as if he needed to. You don’t think he was stupid enough to not know that your mother was trying to dig into his background and to matchmake him with you.

Even after the meal has finished, she still held onto him to stay back for desserts that you wasn’t aware of until she took the icecream out of the fridge.

She planned it all. It was a propaganda from the start.

You really wanted to give her a round of applause for her plan and everything just fell into place so perfectly. You were so done with that day and you hope that the whole session would end right then so you could go back to your room and rest, but you didn’t know the both of them can possibly talk all night long and your mother seemed to be very satisfied with him, despite her telling you not to give a look at badboys when you were younger.

Finally after 2 hours, your mother decided to let him go and she asked you to send him back. You questioned why was there a need when his house was only at the other corner of the corridor. She just ignored and shoved you out of the house, rushing you to walk him back and you sighed.

You both awkwardly walked beside one another and thankfully it was just a 30 seconds walk. You were hesitating if you should apologise for the past but it felt so random if you were to bring it up again. As he was entering his pin to enter his house, you stopped him.

“Uhm, my mother was being abit pushy today, i hope you don’t mind, im sorry,” you apologised nervously as you played with your fingers uncontrollably due to your anxiety. The sorry wasn’t just a plain sorry. The sorry contains your apology from the past, the day before and that day, or everything since they start of both of you crossing paths. Once again, he turned around and looked at you with that intense stare, which you were afraid yet mesmerised by.

His eyes seem like they can hook my soul away.

It was quite awhile before he answered, “i understand, it’s fine, good night,” he ruffled your hair lightly, giving you a faint smile before entering his house and closed the door.

You froze at your position as you tried to process what just happened. Did he just touched your hair? Did he just smiled at you? Did he just-

“Y/n! You still don’t want to come home?!” your mother hollered from the other end of the corridor as you came back to earth and ran back to your house.

And how would you know that you would meet him the next day at the lift lobby again, wearing the same uniform.

—

“Morning,” he greeted monotonously as he saw you waiting for the lift to come. You greeted back and skimmed through his attire.

It was your first time seeing him wearing a uniform and his hair was dyed black. It was blonde a week back and he already changed colour fast. You also no longer saw the neck-length hair as he cutted it short, making him seem more down to earth now.

He still wore contacts but it was enough for him to look good despite without makeup. His tattoos were well covered since the sleeves were long, so he looked like a boy-next-door and he seemed more approachable now.

What approachable? He wasn’t mean at the first place…

The lift came and you both entered. It was awkward as none of you spoke anything and just silently waiting for the lift to reach the ground floor. Right before the lift door opened, you heard his voice from the side.

“Do you need a ride?”

You looked at him and saw him raising his eyebrows abit, waiting for your answer.

Although you were tempted, but you felt that it was better to stay a distance as, you both are not from the same world after all.

Status, family, personality everything about you and him just felt different. Even though he was a badboy despite having that scholar looking, it was definitely better as compared to a wallflower like you.

No matter where you go, what you do, what you say, you will never be the one who got the attention from people and quietly living your life, barely having people who were genuinely by your side to support you. Even though you didn’t have bad blood with any of your schoolmates in the past, you were still never the one that people remember.

Let’s not be stupid y/n, you both aren’t the same, and he saw the worst of you, don’t repeat again, remember how much you hate him?

“Nah it’s fine, i’ll take the bus,” you dropped your words and left the lift quickly, not giving a single chance for him to respond.

It wasn’t that bad to take a bus as well, you reached on time and head straight to the general office to collect your school and name badge, while your form teacher was already waiting for you there with a wide, welcoming smile.

“Morning y/n! Really nice to see you and having you here, come let me bring you to your classroom,” she lightly patted your shoulders which made you feel warm and finally, you don’t have to stuck with your lousy form teacher in your previous school who don’t give a shit about students’ welfare.

You nodded your head as you followed behind her tracks, earning some attention along the way and you thought they must be discussing that they didn’t see you before and you look new.

It was just a 3 mins walk to the classroom that was located in third floor and your anxiety strikes again before you entered the classroom. Your form teacher went in first to get the class settled down, before beckoning you to go in.

Why am i being a pussy now?

You swallowed your saliva nervously, taking a harsh deep breath before walking in the class as if nothing happened and stood infront of them.

Wow, so that’s what they meant by a school of visuals. You briefly browse through the whole class until your eyes captured an extremely familar face, that you saw this morning.

Bruh, he is really everywhere, you thought.

“Come, introduce yourself!”

“Uhm, hi my name is y/n and i just transferred from (prev school),” you ended your introduction briefly and signalled to the teacher that you are done.

She askwardly laughed and said, “i guess our friend here is pretty chill haha, uhm would you mind sitting next to Hyunjin? He doesn’t have a partner till now,” she pointed at the seat beside the guy and you saw him smirking at you, as if he already knew what happened from the beginning of your transfer.

“Ms Kim, can i-“

“Alright, this is it, do get to your seat soon and i’ll be starting the lesson in 1 mins time,” your teacher just cutted you off before gently pushing you to walk to your seat as she turned to sort her materials.

You felt your legs getting heavier as you took each step closer to him while hearing some nasty comments made by the girls.

“Bro what the fuck? She’s sitting next to him that i dreamt since year 1.”

“I know right, this is so unfair.”

“She’s so annoying, can she transfer back?!”

And it goes on.

You unwillingly pull the chair and sat on it, hooking your bag at the side of your table as you took out your materials, trying to ignore whatever shit that was said by your classmates.

It was only 5 minutes and i am already getting hated, am i a jinx of something?

“No you are not, they are the jinx,” the latter beside you replied while continue to look at his phone under the table. You darted your eyes at him and asked why did he know what you were thinking and you realised you subconciously spilled your thoughts under your breath and he caught it.

You felt like slapping yourself right now for being a dumbfuck infront of him, always and never fail.

You still couldn’t understand why suddenly all the connections became tied with him. Brokeup incident, neighbour, tablemate, and you were still unsure if there were more to come. It was hard for you to not hate him despite trying to brainwash yourself to think that you could start from 0 with him and make friends but now, you seemed like you couldn’t get peace in school as well.

Throughout that 1 whole year, you almost suffered nasty remarks made from girls across the school just because you sat beside the ‘Mr Popular’ and people were spreading rumours about both of you. He also didn’t try to justify anything which caused the rumour to stir even more, especially when he protected you from some people who were going overboard.

Thankfully, you still managed to make few friends who understood your circumstance and they told you that it wasn’t the first time that this kind of shit happened. But what was different this time round was, he didn’t stood up to clarify anything but protected you from those mean people. They also shared with you that even though he looked like a playboy, he actually never played with any girls in the school before except for a few exes that he dated for a period of time, before splitting.

As tablemates, he wasn’t that bad as well. He wasn’t someone hard to work with and he actually cooperated with you most of the time and listening to your plans. He also stepped in at the right time to stop people from verbal bullying you which ended up causing the rumour to spread more, making you going to school with stress everyday.

You would say that your relationship was neither good nor bad with him. Even though he was taking more initiative at times, but you ended up pushing him away because you felt like you don’t deserve him. But there were also times when you really felt like wanting to get closer to him, because you found yourself being attracted to his personality.

All these problems added on to your already heavy flowed worries and worsening your insomnia. Every night you thought of how to sort your love and hatred towards your neighbour aka your tablemate because you knew that you hate him, but you also like him. It made everything harder for you to face him in school everyday acting as if nothing happened while he continued to talk to you at times in class.

You felt apologetic because you were rude to him again when you felt conflicted in your heart as you heard him talking. You were being an avoidant bitch that don’t look into your heart carefully and ask what you exactly want, causing more hurt to people around you.

You always thought that keeping a distance from him would be ideal, so you shouted or cursed at him at times to develop more hatred in your heart for him, but you were wrong. The more you did it, you found yourself falling deeper for him as he always looked at you, silent, with slight frown in between his brows.

Don’t look at me like this, please, i am really trying my best to hate you, keep a distance from you, because i know that we are different, but you keep making me fall for you more whenever you said that “it’s okay, i understand” “sorry, was i being overboard?” “i’ll leave first so you can cool down” etc.

He never lost a single patience or temper infront of you, but always calmly walked away and giving you space to breathe. Despite not saying anything, he would always ensure you were safe and sound, watching you from a distance, leaving when he knew you were angry.

How many more to go? How long do you have to put up with this? How to sort your messed up emotions and feelings towards him? How to correct your insomnia when you noticed that, your brain was filled with him whenever you closed your eyes.

It was never about your ex boyfriend after 3 months of into insomnia, but its mostly about him. You hated the fact that he always sees you in your worst, trying to comfort you when you don’t want anybody to see it, offering help to you. The contradicting thing is, because of all these, you get to know about his character more and you fell for him.

“Lord, please give me an answer.”

ғᴏᴜʀ.

Now

“Did you take $1 million won from my bank?!”

“What? I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Don’t try to play a fucking fool here! You took it right ?!”

“So what if i took it? Aren’t we husband and wife? Why can’t i take it?”

“YOU STILL KNOW THAT WE ARE HUSBAND AND WIFE? YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO BUILD 1 MILLION WON? AND YOU JUST TOOK IT LIKE I PRINT CASH NOTES?!”

Pang, the sound of glass shattering could be heard.

You were in the room studying until you heard your father came back home and your mother started confronting your father about a large sum of money that was deducted from her bank.

Pang, another glass shattering.

You covered your ears to stop the conflict outside from affecting you. Your exams are in 5 days time and today is new year’s eve. Whenever you heard your parents fighting, your anxiety will be triggered and you lost focus in things you do.

No matter how hard and tight you covered your ears, you can still hear arguments, things shattering, slamming of items in the living room that grows your frustration.

“SEE?! I KNEW IT! YOU TOOK IT TO FEED YOUR LOVER OUTSIDE RIGHT?!”

“I ALREADY SAID I TOOK IT TO INVEST! STOP ACCUSING ME!”

“I DON’T BELIEVE YOU! IT WASN’T THE FIRST TIME ALREADY! IT HAS BEEN 20 YEARS!”

“AND SO? WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW? DIVORCE?”

“DIVORCE?! YOU GOT THE CHEEKS TO TELL ME DIVORCE? I SHOULD BE THE ONE SAYING IT!”

You had enough of the fighting outside and you decided to close your book and leave the house to get some fresh air. It will be awful to stay in the house and enter into a new year with conflicts.

“OKAY, DIVORCE THEN!” Your mother throw a book at your father but it unfortunately hit your head, causing a slight bleeding which caused them to go silent.

You quickly covered your wound with your hands as you looked at them wrongfully. You were so speechless with their actions and you couldn’t take it anymore and dashed towards the door. You can’t spend a single second in this house anymore.

“Where are you going?!” your mother shouted from the back as you opened the door, wearing your slippers and ready to leave.

“Where am i going?! Do you even care? Continue to fight, divorce as you wish, i had enough of the both of you already and im not going to spend my new year with you!” you couldn’t control anymore and lashed st your parents who were dumbfounded when they heard your response, and that was when the realised you are the most hurted person.

You slammed the door back and turned your heels to the lift, but stopping in your tracks as you saw Hyunjin standing infront of you, wearing a plain white tee with a black checkered cardigan outside, black leather pants and a pair of glossy black boots, holding onto his motorbike helmet.

He stared you from top to bottom, frowning at the sight when he saw blood is flowing from your head, trailing down your side face. You looked back at him while panting hard as your blood was boiling, together with your anxiety attack that made you hard to breathe.

Again, why does he always see me when im in the worst condition?

You rolled your eyes and walked past him, pressing the ‘up’ button as you planned to go to the rooftop to take some fresh air. As you were waiting, you just noticed you were wearing your homewear without your coat and you cursed under your breath.

Should i go back or should i just go in?

The lift opened right when you were contemplating, but you decided to take the risk and go without the coat. The latter outside was still processing the blood on your head and when he wanted to chase behind you, the lift door already closed.

—

When you opened the rooftop door, a strong gush of chilly wind welcomed you and you subconciously hugged yourself to retain your body warmth. You tried to step out and you didn’t expect the weather could be so cold and you slightly regretted to come to the rooftop, but even if you went out of the building, you will still be freezing as your coat isn’t with you - either ways also die.

“Just 10 minutes,” you told yourself as you rubbed your bare skin that is exposed in the air, until you felt something warm covering you from the back. You flinched from the cloth and as you turned your head, you saw Hyunjin standing inches behind you.

“You are going to get a cold if you continue to stand here,” he spoke softly into your ears which sent goosebumps down your body. His warm breath came in contact with your skin, making your cheeks redden from the close distance with him.

“Why would you care?” you replied tiredly while you turned your head to face the scenery.

“Of course i care, i can’t bear to see someone losing their life in new year’s eve,” he held onto your hands firmly, pulling you together with him and ignored the tons of questions of “where are you bringing me to” from you.

You ended up finding yourself in his house, again. The familiar interior design, the familiar housewares, the familiar fragrance smell circulating in his house, and the familiar position you are standing at.

“Hah, after 1 year and 100 days, i am back here again,” you mocked at yourself as you snuggled into his coat more, sneezing a few times from the wind you suffered.

Hyunjin didn’t answer you but gently guide you to his sofa, settling you down before getting a cup of hot tea from the kitchen and place it in your hands. He also took a medical kit from his coffee table and gently clean your wound.

“You know, you don’t have to treat me so well, after all the hurtful words i said to you,” you looked down at the cup of tea as you started to feel the urge of tearing up. Guilt just shoved you off the edge of the mountain when the cotton bud came in contact with your head.

“It’s my choice, you didn’t force me to,” he replied calmly as he continued to wipe the last bit of blood off your head and gently pasted a plaster on your injury, making you wince abit when you sensed the pain.

“That’s why i hate you,” you spitted as you placed the cup of tea on his table, darting your eyes to him. He paused for awhile when he heard the word ‘hate’, and continued to pack the medical kit, tucking them under the table before turning his gaze to you.

“Y/n, i really don’t understand why you hate me, did i do anything wrong?” your heart melted when you saw his eyes and hear his tone, and that’s when you knew he was hurted badly, by you, all this time.

You didn’t meant to hurt him at the first place, but just to be honest infront of him, as well as your feelings.

“I hate you, because you always see the worst side of me. You saw me crying, kneeling, begging, going crazy, getting humiliated, getting verbally bullied, anything bad that you can name it. You know, i really really hate to appear vulnerable infront of anyone, even to my family or friends, because i don’t want them to think i am weak, i am clingy, i am an attention seeker….that’s why i wanted to appear strong… but you always came in at such a good timing to see me breaking down, and you were the only one to pick me up from the shattered world despite not knowing who i am, ughhhhh,” you spilled everything infront of him and as your sentence goes on, tears that were accumulated for ages started to fall down uncontrollably and you are a crying mess infront of him now.

He quietly and patiently listened to your confession, gently reaching out to your hands as he saw you were trembling so much, crying your lungs out and you needed something to support your weak body. You reciprocated by holding onto his hand tightly, as if he was your lifeline.

“I am pretty sure it is more than that,” he responded to your words and you felt exposed. You stifled as you were crying badly as you felt his grip on you became tighter, giving assurance to you.

“You are astute as ever,” you laughed at yourself because you felt like you had already lost the game with him.

“I also hate you because… i can’t resist you…” your voice trailed off as you were shy when you confessed your feelings infront of him, heart pounding at insane speed as he sat closer to you.

He continued to inch closer to you, making you slowly shifting your upper body further from him until you felt a firm grip on your waist, stopping you from avoiding.

It is the first time you looked at him so closely and you noticed he has a beautiful and flawless skin, perfect facial features and, pink and plump lips that is so captivating. You saw the corner of his lips curling up and you went puzzled.

Why is he smiling? Did i say something amusing?

“So can i take it as you like me?” His husky voice ringed in your ears as you felt his soft lips brushing against yours, while one hand gently wiping your tear stained away and hold onto your neck to make you face him.

You opened your mouth slightly as you stumbled over your respond.

“Ye,yes,” you sighed as you raised your white flag infront of him. You saw his grin grew wider and you knew that you lost, you lost so badly and all the nights of thinking of him just got busted.

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1, happy new year!” you heard the children at the playground below shouting when they saw fireworks painted the lonely dark sky.

“Look-“ you were about to ask Hyunjin looked out of the window to appreciate the firework before it fades but all you knew was his lips came in contact with yours, tasting them delicately and passionately, making both tongues dancing beautifully with one another. You were hesistant at first but he just pulled you closer to him, deepening the kiss when you opened your mouth for him to explore further.

“You know, all i needed you was to lean on me more, i know that you had alot of misunderstandings with me when we first met, but my heart for you never changed, ever since i met you in the bar,” he hugged you closely to him after you both pulled away from the heated session.

“Happy new year y/n, the best new year gift is having you by my side,” he kissed the side of your earlobe before diving deeper into the crook of your neck.

You smiled at his confession and replied,

“I hate how you made me fall for you so badly but how much i hate you is how much i love you, and i guess my insomnia will be gone from now,” you pulled him away from the tight hug as you saw him pouted.

You leaned in to peck his lip and squeezed his cheek, making him pout more.

“Happy new year Hyunjin, and it took us long enough to get together, so let’s not seperate anymore.”

I used to lay in my bed,

for hours in the dark at night,

thinking about every possible thing in my life.

But i do not need to do so anymore,

because i found someone who can listen to me, talking to me in endless nights,

and most importantly,

i can be vulnerable infront of him no matter what happens,

and that is all it matter.

🦋

Author’s Note: Happy New year to everyone! I took quite a long time to finish this and i hope to publish by today because it is New Year’s Eve and i didn’t have time to vett through them so if there is any error, please forgive that as i have been really busy with schoolwork while coming up with this! If you guys like it pls give a comment cuz i feel v insecure abt this work omg but i also wanted to push it out cuz i like the idea ><

114 notes · View notes