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inkskinned · 11 months

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you were raised in comparison.

it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.

you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.

you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.

what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.

it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.

you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.

you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?

a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.

you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.

it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.

something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.

#writeblr #warm up #my dad was actively doing bad shit to us and we STILL were told we were lucky . and to a point i do think im lucky #i just think also there's somethin to be said about like. how about we stop using comparison to dismiss ppls individual struggles #yes there are people who have no perspective. for the reference tho having perspective actually made me really unwilling to get help #for what was a serious and debilitating mental health issue. bc i thought i didnt DESERVE IT #and i would rather have 600 ppl who aren't THAT bad get help and get heard and get seen #than make any 1 kid. do the math that i did: look at the world that is dying and the people who are hurting and say #''oh. okay. others have it worse. they are probably better people than i am. i am being unreasonable. i cannot ask for help #i am not good. i am taking too much space. i am not worth saving.''#bc our WHOLE lives we are taught a scarcity mindset - that you can 'steal' from someone. so that instead of changing a system that doesn't #actually offer fair support to everyone #we put the impetus on the individual to just... demand less.#and here's something - there are probably ppl who think i DIDNT deserve to get help #bc i DID have it better than other people #and something about that is ... so sickening. bc i think all of us in some way at some point WILL need help.#we were supposed to make communities. we were supposed to offer our hands. we were supposed to raise the barn #instead we said: it could be worse. now handle it yourself

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altair214 · 7 months

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If Dream of the Endless had access to the Am I The Asshole subreddit "Am I the Asshole for condemning my lover to Hell?"

"I was informed quite recently by a friend that this is a good place to receive unbiased judgement on past actions of mine that were not well received by people. As there are few beings I trust to ask for unbiased, well-meaning judgement from, I turn to the internet.

After a recent excursion to Hell, my raven saw fit to inform me that condemning a past lover to Hell might be seen, in my raven's words "as a dick move." My sibling, who has seen fit to give a mortal the tools to imprison me for a century and has made an attempt on my life, has criticized me before for the decision I made to condemn my lover to Hell.

Our story took place 10,000 years ago. She was a mortal queen and very beautiful. She was desired by many, but she refused them. One day she laid eyes on me, not knowing who or what I am, and decided that I would be her lover. She pursued me, and eventually found me in my realm. We began to get to know each other. She truly loved me at first. And I loved her. No one had ever loved me enough to go to the lengths she had to find me. I offered to make her the queen of my realm. But when she truly began to understand what it is that I am, and that I would not abandon my realm to be her lover, she became fearful. I did not want her to leave me, so when she ran, I ran after her. She hurt herself in the hopes that it would make me disgusted with her and leave. When she saw that she did not scare me away, she allowed me to heal her. We made love all through the night.

In the morning, her city was destroyed, for the First Circle had decreed that one of the Endless cannot love a mortal. We had both known that. She had tried to put an end to our relationship before it was too late, but in the end our desire for each other had overcome all else.

In her despair, she killed herself. I was distraught, I would have made her my queen. But she chose death over me. She chose to abandon me, she chose to abandon hope, for death. Still, I would have forgiven her for that transgression. I would still have her as my queen. I would still love her.

But she rejected me. Even though she loved me, she would rather die than be with me. So I told her that I would offer my love a final time, but if she once again would choose death over me, that I would condemn her soul to Hell.

She did not answer at first. She said that we were never meant to be together and that darker things would come to be if we tried to be together. I asked her once again as she was making the journey to the Sunless Lands. She told me to leave her. I asked her for the last time. She refused me and I condemned her to Hell.

She sought me out, only to reject me. To reject dreams by killing herself. She loved me and yet would choose to die rather than be with me. She would choose Hell rather than be with me even though she sought me first. I felt that my actions were justified. She was not moved by the pain that her actions caused me. What could I have done except punish her for her callousness?

I felt I was completely justified in my actions until very recently when I saw her in Hell. I had not thought of her in a long time, though I still loved her. But my recent experience of being imprisoned for a century had changed me in ways that I have only recently admitted to myself. For the first time I wondered if perhaps my original judgement to condemn her to Hell was made in error. So I am turning to here at the recommendation of a friend. Am I the Asshole?"

#dream of the endless #okay so to start this might not be perfectly in character #but in order to make it plausible that dream would turn to the subreddit #i had to make him just slightly more self aware than would have been a perfect characterization of him #secondly this is from dream's pov so of course it's not an unbiased view of what happened #thirdly i made some changes from the story tales in the sand because i don't think that story is an exact retelling of what happened #because firstly it's not a love story it's a story warning against the dangers of pursuing a power beyond your understanding #it treats dream as just a storytelling device rather than a lover #which he is both so you need both to characterize him accurately #plus nada still offered that he join her in the waking world so i don't think dream was as bad in actuality as tales in the sand might lead #one to believe #though dream is still absolutely the asshole here #trying to make him look sympathetic even from his own perspective was kind of hard #anyway #but this was fun to write #i think some of dream's problems would have been solved had to consulted the am i the asshole subreddit #he's not unreasonable #he'll fix his mistakes once he's realized he's made them #but he has a tendency to have extremely bad judgement on occasion

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sysig · 3 months

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My kingdom for a "So you say” (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #ZEX #Dexter Favin #Hhhh they ;; Their ''first'' interaction!#Officially up to three cryings - not that I'm surprised I love Dex <3 #My head was fully abuzz during this scene there are so so so many interesting details!#So interesting to see which ''held true'' and which were left behind - which ones became Helix while others didn't!#At this point I almost see Helix as an alternate timeline - kind of like how Defeated is a branching arm off the main body #Not terribly dissimilar but the details that are different are too interesting to let go of so just make it all canon in its own way! Hehe #Especially since Helix is largely from Max's 3rd person perspective so the way he tells it is different than Dexter haha #Very interesting what he leaves out in his retelling hehehehe ♪♫#Anyhow enough of Max he's not even here rn sheesh ♪ ZEX! And Dexter ;;#Hghhghh it's all set up so deviously <3 That fact that up to this point ZEX has been relying on Zelnick especially to give him credence #And then as soon as someone he ''knows he trusts'' comes to throw a wrench into things - Dexter has as much weight or more!#He's specifically engineered to sow doubt and confusion! Gosh what a place to grow his character from <3 <3 #ZEX's pride undoes him completely it's So well written ♥ Truly a fatal flaw for VUX and the way he's picked apart aghh <3 #And?? The fact that I can hear ''Max's'' voice in ZEX's syntax as soon as he doesn't have a good argument??? Hello????#I know they come from the same base but like!! How!!! Masterful 💖#As I drew it it's a bit out of order - Dexter says he can't protect Max (😭) before ZEX starts crying it all got a bit mixed in my head #I was very emotional at the time you understand haha #It's all so sad! They're so close in some ways to being or having what the other wants but both fall just short #No wonder they took what little comfort in each other they could <3 ZEX comforted by his voice and Dex comforted by caring for his body #They have so little to offer each other trapped as they are ;;#It's all so interesting and distressing!! There's so much to think about as everything falls into place!

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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...

#oof. it as been a very very long day. so much talking. all day talking and interviews #and so far my feelings are mixed. bc it is a smaller university and its underfunded and cost of living is kinda high #and the town is small and isolated. HOWEVER #the faculty feels like a strong community and theyre all amazing scientists who choose to b there bc the quality of life is so high #they seem extremely supportive and the fact its small means that i could probably get around better given my intense anxiety around driving #and i could literally just walk to hiking paths rather than having to drive way out. and its fucking so beautiful. the clouds r gorgeous #bc theyre all conpressed by the mountains around this lil valley. also the potential advisor seems amazing. the grad students have good #things to say and hes excited that im interested in the things im interested in. and i talked to an astrobiology guy and he was like u #should apply for X grant and i would b happy to help u and the advisor is a former nasa post doc so he has nasa astrobiology connections.#so those r some pretty great things. i mean. of the schools im looking at this one would prob be the best for my brain tbh #i mean the uk one is too rigid in structure and i cant fuck around so much as at a us school. and the east coast on is hard to say no to bc #its a good school with lots of funding and opportunities to b creative but i would have to hard core get my shit together and hes quite #hands off. and id b living in the city which sucks. so like. i mean this school is kinda looking like the best choice for me. definitely #the healthiest. i mean assuming i dont fuck it up and get the offer after this weekend. but yeah. i mean im not fully in love i think #and the idea of commiting to 5years here is terrifying but id get a lot of support that i dont think ive really ever had. not that my #current boss isnt great but our lab is kinda disconnected. and i really fit in perspective wise in my interests. and id get to work at #[redacted] national park. which is so cool that i might have to unredact it if i end up here bc its so fucking next level #not that the national park i have access to now isnt awesome but. like its next level awesome and i could maybe wiggle may way into maybe #some arctic systems and i bet i could get my current boss to send me desert samples. so yeah i could def see a life here #but fuck i dont want roomates with all my heart. y does it have to b so expensive for a trash apartment? bleh #god. im so tried. so much talking. but a good day. and im going skiing tomorrow bc like thats a thing here lol #unrelated

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gibbearish · 1 month

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ok i finished the first chapter and am gonna take a break now but im v excited to keep reading im really liking the way the author looks at things so far

#there are parts ive kinda disagreed with either what shes saying or how shes saying it but i mean given the whole point of the book i doubt #that the author would take offense at that and would in fact encourage it esp given that its a book and not a convo #like. i should hope i have some disagreements with just the introductory chapter‚ she hasnt had a chance to fully explain herself yet and #i feel like having a written record of my disagreement before potentially changing my mind is very much in the spirit of the ideas this book #is offering yknow #like at one point shes talking about religious perspectives on wrongness and says some scholars believe its abt like #our wrongness comes from eden‚ our lack of understanding of absolute right and wrong that god has #but its like. ok but the whole point with the garden of eden was that the lack of knowledge of right and wrong /was/ the extra knowledge #god had and we didnt that prevented us from sinning #eating of the tree and Gaining the knowledge of good and evil was what gave humans the ability to sin in the first place #because if we cant know something is wrong and choose to do it anyways then what is the sin?#its like how with animals we don't see them killing each other as wrong #because they dont have 'morals' like we do‚ they dont have a sense of right vs wrong so the things they do cant be classified that way #so idk if its like. thats just a difference in how my church taught us vs the scholars the author checked out #or just like. a misunderstanding in the story of eden?#i just dont get presenting eden as the example for 'we dont have the knowledge of right and wrong god does so thats what makes us able to #do wrong' when the whole thing with that story was like.#gaining the knowledge of right and wrong was what gave us that ability. like thats just backwards #(also disclaimer that i am not a christian and do not actually believe in these things‚ im just using the language as if i do here to kinda #speak from the perspective of my past self who /did/ believe it)#so im excited to find out if like. shes gonna expand further on that (next chapter is abt history so maybe) and ill be like #ohhhhh ok i see what that meant #or if ill be like 'hm yeah you just maybe had a misconception abt how the garden of eden story worked'#and like i can kinda see room for the first one already in that it said like 'we dont have gods /absolute/ knowledge of right and wrong'#so theyre saying like. we were given /some/ of the knowledge of good and evil‚ but that that in and of itself didnt /actually/ bring us up #to gods understanding of it #idk its been a while since i reread the bible‚ i do kinda remember there being a second tree? but i dont think it was like #'tree of full onniscience' i thought it was the tree of eternal life or smth #or maybe im just mixing up the bible and the narnia remix of it? i know there is a tree of eternal life in the magicians apprentice #origibberish

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what-even-is-thiss · 5 months

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Have you never spent a lot of time around cats but want to be friends with one? Some cat communication basics. Because I feel like it.

A cat approaching you doesn’t necessarily mean they want pets. They may just be inspecting you or hanging out.

If you want to pet a cat you need to ask permission first. The way you do this is you offer a finger or the back of your hand for them to smell. If the cat wants to be pet they’ll generally push their face or head and neck into your hand. If they don’t want to be pet they’ll generally walk away or just sit down.

Cats will usually ask for pets by rubbing up against you or possibly standing at your feet and meowing. When you think a cat is asking for pets hold your hand out and see if they rub up against you. That means they want pets. If they start walking away with purpose instead that means they want to show you something. If they meander off that just means they’re hanging out. No pets needed.

If a cat likes the way you’re petting them they’ll probably lean into it. If they like it a lot and you stop they might try to pull you back over with a paw. They might also squint close their eyes. If they don’t like it they’ll lean away or swipe at you a bit or show their teeth if they really don’t like it.

When they’re done being pet or sitting in your lap they’ll probably just peacefully walk away. This is good. They trust you but they’re done hanging out now. If their ears flatten or they start bristling and hissing you’ve done something very wrong or they’re afraid of you and it’s probably best to leave them be.

A relaxed cat’s ears usually point forward and are upright. If their ears flatten or point back they’re angry or scared and they’re serious.

Cats can purr for any number of reasons. If they’re sitting on your lap with completely relaxed posture (in a loaf with tail curled up, eyes happily squinted closed, maybe actively looking for pets from you and giving little cat hugs in the form of rubbing their face on you) that’s probably a sign of contentment. They can also purr to calm themselves down or try to heal themselves or others. Purring is one of those things that needs the surrounding context to be understood.

When a cat shows their stomach they’re comfortable around you but not looking for pets. Most cats don’t like belly scratches. Some do, but if you try to scratch a cat’s belly and they start acting angry it’s because from their perspective you’re the one violating personal boundaries here.

If a cat doesn’t like being picked up they’ll probably start struggling. If they’re very stressed out they may get violent but if they know you that probably won’t be their first choice unless said cat has a short temper. If the cat is neutral to happy about being held they probably won’t do anything at all. You can carefully drop cats when you’re done holding them. In fact they may prefer that to being carefully set down depending on the cat. Angle them down just a little when you drop them so they can land on their front paws first. This also gives them a bit of warning that they’re about to be dropped.

Most cats won’t lick you but if they do they’re trying to groom you. This means they see you as part of the family. This is fine. A bit weird but they’re trying to help.

If you try to act like you’re small and out of the way and avoid eye contact with a cat, the cat will see this as an invitation to hang out. This is why if you don’t understand or like cats and try to avoid them at parties or at friends houses they might try to hang out with you a lot. Lots of eye contact and making a lot of noise and making yourself bigger is the way to scare a cat off. Slow blinking and not acting excited is an open invitation.

Some cats have been trained a little bit by their owners. They aren’t obedient 100% of the time like dogs but they can be trained to know what some things mean and get accustomed to certain situations. Cats can be trained to like a certain noise like kissy noises or tongue clicking by making those noises when you feed or pet them when they’re young. It can also be demonstrated to them that patting the couch or other surface next to you is an invitation to come over. These are the most common things most house cats that grew up with humans know about. You can also ask their owner if there’s a noise they come to but if you don’t know, kissy noises, tongue clicking, or the cat’s name or saying something like “here kitty kitty” are the most common things a cat might understand as a request to come over.

When playing with a cat, moving your hand around on the ground for them to pounce on, waving a feather toy around, rolling a ball towards them, etc. they generally won’t use their claws. If they want to play they’ll start playing. This can look like their eyes going wide and them paying attention to the plaything, doing the prey butt wiggle, and swiping at the toy. If they don’t want to play they usually just won’t react to what you’re doing or watch you with disinterest and neutral eyes.

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trans-axolotl · 4 months

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idk i think a lot of people sort of build up schizo-spec diagnoses in their head as this example of a "clearly biomedical disease that is the scariest possible example of mental illness that is always a crisis no matter what." and i'm not going to sit here and say that schizoaffective is always pleasant to live with, or pretend that it's something that I can manage perfectly-it does cause me distress a lot of the time, and makes some things very difficult. but for me, psychosis is by far not the most difficult symptom i have to deal with, compared to some of the other things that have brought me distress. And yet it's always the symptom that is reacted to with the most fear, confusion, and disgust by other people. I hate it when people generalize psychosis as always and inherently and forever a crisis, and ignore the fact that everyone who experiences psychosis is going to have their own experiences, perspectives on how it impacts them, and that treating psychosis as a super scary, inherently dangerous symptom is incredibly stigmatizing and prevents us from receiving support and care from our communities.

idk. i just really wish people would realize that for some people, psychosis can sometimes be a neutral or even positive experience (i've had some incredibly lovely psychosis experiences), and that by positioning psychosis as a "super scary disease that has no quality of life" and only offering carceral solutions, it perpetuates a pattern where we get continually pushed into harmful treatments. Instead of a situation where our autonomy is respected, where we're offered a wide variety of treatments from meds to therapies to peer support like Hearing Voices Network to material community based support and where we're allowed to define our own experience of psychosis based on how it actually affects us. like, i don't want to deny that psychosis is often distressing for many of us--but I do think we have the responsibility to evaluate where we've learned about psychosis, what societal messages we've internalized about psychosis, what kinds of knowledge about psychosis do we not have access to, and just actually think in depth about how our biases impact how we communicate about psychosis.

#personal #psychosis #schizo spec #psych abolition #mad liberation #antipsych

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aleatoryw · 2 years

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i've started looking at weight and health the way i look at class and income and it really puts a lot of things into a new perspective.

let me explain: in america at least, the lower class have significantly worse health outcomes, even when accounting for other factors. just being poor is enough to make your overall health worse. we don't know that being fat makes your health directly worse, like the data just isn't there, but for a moment, pretend it does.

imagine going to the doctor with a health problem and the doctor looking at your chart and saying well, this problem will be less severe if you go up an income bracket. have you thought about becoming rich? it would really help. start by saving a little money every month.

ridiculous, right?? very few people successfully go from working class to rich, it just doesn't happen on a large scale in society. maybe for a time you pick up some overtime hours, spend a little beyond your means, and appear rich. but eventually you burn out, your car needs to be repaired, and you return to being working class.

we do have this data: only some people can successfully lose large amounts of weight, and only a tiny fraction of people who lose that weight actually keep it off for more than a year. telling people to lose weight for their health is just absurd because they almost certainly can't do it any more than they can double their income for their health.

and yet i see it everywhere. a little poster in my work breakroom tells me to improve my blood pressure by losing weight! a psa on the radio says you need to take care of your heart by losing weight! we can't even conclusively prove that weight is the cause rather than just correlated with a lot of these problems but here it is offered anyway: have you tried being rich?

#medical fatphobia #personally i'm right in that sweet spot where doctors take me seriously but generic health advice is like !!!OVERWEIGHT!!!#but i recently got to hear allll about the essential diets from my mom so. thinking about it again

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byeolgirl · 2 months

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HOW TO HEAL AFTER A BAD DAY ৎ୭ ॱ ₊ . *

“ It doesn't matter what anyone says. If there's something you want to do, don't mind what others think and just trust yourself.” -Lalisa manoban

Healing after a bad day is essential to maintain your well-being and resilience. Here are some strategies to help you recover and find peace after a challenging day:

by: ★﹕byeolgιrᥣ﹒

1.Acknowledge Your Feelings:

Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment. Acknowledge what you're feeling, whether it's frustration, sadness, anger, or disappointment.

Journaling: Write down your thoughts and emotions to process and release them. Writing can help you gain clarity and perspective on what happened.

2.Self-Compassion:

Be kind to yourself: Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend in a similar situation.

Positive affirmations: Repeat positive affirmations or self-compassionate statements to counter negative self-talk and boost your self-esteem.

3.Physical Relaxation:

Deep breathing: Practice deep breathing exercises to calm your nervous system and reduce stress. Focus on slow, deep breaths to bring relaxation to your body and mind.

Progressive muscle relaxation: Tense and release each muscle group in your body to release physical tension and promote relaxation.

4.Engage in Self-Care:

Take a warm bath: Soak in a warm bath with Epsom salts or essential oils to relax your muscles and soothe your mind.

Engage in a hobby: Do something you enjoy, whether it's reading a book, listening to music, painting, or going for a walk in nature.

Healthy meal: Nourish your body with a balanced and nutritious meal to support your physical and emotional well-being.

5.Connect with Others:

Reach out to a friend or loved one: Share your feelings with someone you trust and feel supported by. Talking to others can provide comfort and perspective.

Social support: Surround yourself with positive and supportive people who uplift you and make you feel understood.

6.Mindfulness and Meditation:

Mindfulness practice: Practice mindfulness by focusing on the present moment without judgment. Mindfulness can help you calm your mind and reduce stress.

Guided meditation: Listen to a guided meditation or visualization to relax your mind, release tension, and promote inner peace.

7.Reflect and Release:

Reflect on the day: Take some time to reflect on what happened during the day, what you learned from the experience, and how you can move forward positively.

Let go: Release any lingering negative emotions or thoughts through activities like meditation, visualization, or simply taking a few deep breaths and letting go of what no longer serves you.

You are capable of overcoming any challenge that comes your way. Remember that setbacks are just temporary roadblocks on the path to success. Stay focused on your goals, believe in yourself, and trust in your ability to rise above any obstacle. You have the strength, resilience, and determination to achieve great things. Keep pushing forward, stay positive, and never underestimate the power of your own potential. <143

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maxtermind · 2 months

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if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow

★ : summary :: when they lose a race ★ : feat :: max verstappen, lewis hamilton, carlos sainz, charles leclerc, lando norris ★ : genre :: hurt/comfort; angst; fluff ★ : word count :: 2.7k

Max Verstappen

Max had never felt so distant from you. He had the win in his bag, he started good and was going to give it his all but was forced to retire due to a sudden engine failure while leading the race.

He was rightfully disheartened. The post-race meeting only added to his frustration as blame was thrown around instead of taking responsibility. It only got worse when he walked out of it with a, ‘This is such a waste of time.’

As he ranted in the car, his anger palpable, you listened silently, and caressed his hand when, had gotten a call from his dad.

“Just let it ring,” you whispered from the passenger seat. Your attempt was futile though before he picked up the call and put it on bluetooth in his ear.

You waited until you reached home before discreetly ending the call, giving Max a moment to compose himself. He didn’t let you hear anything but as he sat in his seat, rubbing his face to get rid of his emotions, you knew the conversation had affected him deeply.

Opening his car door, you pulled him out using his hand before getting home before you both took a shower in silence, allowing Max the space to process. It wasn't until you were tucked under the covers, clean and warm, that he finally spoke.

"I just hate feeling like I let everyone down," Max confessed, his voice heavy with guilt.

"You didn't let anyone down, Max,” you reassured him, kissing the top of his hand. “You gave it your all out there.”

"I still feel like I'm constantly disappointing everyone," Max muttered, his voice thick with frustration.

"You're not a disappointment, Max. You're a phenomenal driver, and sometimes things just don't go our way.”

"It's hard to believe that sometimes," Max admitted, his gaze distant and you realized what exactly he was thinking about right now.

"Your dad's words don't define you, Max. You're so much more than that," you said firmly, refusing to let him internalize the negativity.

"It's just… I've always looked up to him, you know? His opinion matters," Max confessed, his tone tinged with sadness.

"But you're your own person, Max. And you're incredible in your own right," you reminded him, squeezing his hand gently.

"I know, but… it still hurts," Max admitted, his shoulders slumping with the weight of it all.

"I wish I could shield you from all of this," you murmured, feeling a pang of helplessness. Your boyfriend nodded softly, looking so so so small that it was physically hurting you to even keep looking at him, his eyes reflecting the turmoil within.

"Hey, look at me," you said, gently tilting his chin up to meet your gaze. "You are loved, Max. Don't ever forget that." "Thanks, Y/N. I needed to hear that," Max replied, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"Anytime, Max. I'm here for you, through the highs and the lows," you said earnestly, offering him a comforting embrace.

He looked conflicted for a second and you were sure whatever he was about to say was going to officially break your heart into two. Max's voice was barely above a whisper when he admitted it, his expression pained,"It's just… seeing them celebrate my failure, it stings."

"I know it's tough seeing those celebrations, Max, but remember, those people celebrating are just haters who can't accept that someone is doing better than them," you said firmly, trying to inject some perspective into the situation. "Their joy comes from a place of envy, not genuine happiness. Don't let their negativity dampen your spirit."

"I hope you're right," Max said, his voice tinged with doubt. "Thanks for always being there, babe. I don't know what I'd do without you," Max said sincerely, his eyes reflecting gratitude.

"You'll never have to find out, Max. I'll always be by your side.”

Lewis Hamilton

Your heart dropped the moment you saw the tire puncture Lewis’ car in the second last lap of the race. His frustration and curses echoed through the headphones, reaching you with a painful clarity.

“Don’t tell me to calm down! This is all so shit!” Lewis’s distorted voice cried through the radio. “I was so fucking close!”

As much as it hurt you to listen to this, you decided to keep your emotions at bay so you could handle your boyfriend’s better. Silently making your way through the people in the paddock to the back.

The chaos and disappointment from everyone forcing your chest to hurt a little. The only thought in your mind was how Lewis was probably feeling much much worse than you right now.

You heard his car before you saw him, and when you did, the defeat etched on his face made you want to cry. Lewis seemed drained and defeated, devoid of the usual fire.

“Baby?” You called, catching his attention. He nodded at someone before making his way towards you. Pulling you into a less crowded area before wrapping his arms around your shoulder.

"I don’t think I can face the interviews and media circus after this," he confessed, his breath warm against your neck.

"Should I go get the getaway car ready?" You joked, delighted to hear a small huff from his mouth.

“Can’t really leave before that though,” Lewis replied. “I’m beat, just wish it wasn’t this close to winning.”

Realizing he needed encouragement, you took a deep breath and spoke softly.

"Lewis, it's incredibly tough luck to have a tire blowout so close to the finish line, especially when you were leading so strongly," you said, feeling his grip tighten around you. "But these moments, they test your resilience and determination."

He nodded, his shoulders relaxing a fraction as you continued to rub his back.

"I know it's hard, Lewis, but remember, every setback is just a setup for a comeback," you whispered soothingly.

"I just had my heart set on this win," he murmured, disappointment evident in his voice.

"I know, love, but sometimes things don't go as planned," you replied, offering a comforting squeeze.

"It's like the universe has it out for me today," Lewis said with a bitter chuckle.

"Maybe it's just testing how badly you want it," you suggested optimistically. "Well, it's certainly made its point," he said, a hint of bitterness lingering.

You were about to speak again when he interrupted.

"I just wish it had been enough."

"It will be next time," you said confidently, refusing to let him dwell on the defeat.

"I hope you're right," Lewis said, a hint of determination creeping back into his voice. "Thanks for always believing in me.”

"Always, Lewis. That's what lovers are for," you said, smiling warmly at him, admiring his eyes that had some of their shine back intact.

Carlos Sainz

The relief you felt when Carlos walked out of the safety car before making his way towards you was indescribable. From the moment his car collided with another due to a racing incident until now, with his arms around your shoulders, you hadn't taken a single calm breath.

It was probably less brutal than what was shown on the screen, given that it happened so fast that none of the drivers had even processed what was happening. Still the incident had left you with a knot of dread in your stomach.

Carlos was okay, you repeated to yourself, but it didn't quell the pounding of your heart or the trembling of your hands. You were trying to stay composed but it was really hard while your boyfriend talked to someone from the team, frustrated that he had to retire so soon.

"Hey, at least you're still in one piece," you pointed out, trying to inject a bit of humor into the situation but it sounded dry and that was when Carlos took a good look at you, his gaze sharpening as he realized how shaken you were. "Babe, are you alright?" Carlos asked, his concern evident in his voice as he reached out to touch your trembling hand.

"I'm fine, just a bit shaken," you admitted, forcing a shaky smile as you tried really hard to stay in the present and not let your brain run rampant.

"I'm so sorry you had to see that," Carlos said, his eyes filled with regret as he pulled you into a comforting embrace. Knowing that he would’ve been the same if it was the other way around.

"I promise I'll be more careful out there," Carlos vowed, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of your head.

"I'm just glad you're okay," you whispered, burying your face in his chest as you finally allowed yourself to let go of the tension you had been holding.

"It's not your fault, Carlos. These things happen in racing-”

"I know, but I hate putting you through this," Carlos said, his voice filled with remorse. "Let's forget about the race for now, okay? We'll focus on us."

"That sounds perfect," you agreed, feeling a sense of peace wash over you as you leaned into his warmth, longing to put the ordeal behind you.

"I love you so much," Carlos said earnestly, his eyes filled with love as he looked at you. Hands holding you tight against him, grounding you so you could understand that he was real and wasn’t going anywhere.

"Let's get out of here and grab some dinner, just the two of us," Carlos proposed, eager to shift your focus away from the day's events as he led you towards the exit. Mentally making a list of things he would tell you to take your mind off of what happened today.

Charles Leclerc

You found yourself seething almost as much as Charles after yet another podium slipped away due to a messed up pit stop. It lasted more than a fucking forever at such a pivotal moment in the race.

It really made you wonder whether his team was even working with him or deliberately against him to make sure that neither of them could score more points. He had opted to stay silent, shutting out the media and team meetings, and unfortunately, that meant withdrawing from you too.

“Charles?” You asked after giving him ample time to process the race in the sitting room all alone like he requested.

He simply hummed before taking a sip of whatever his glass held before you carefully took it from his hand and put it on the table. Crawling into his lap to make sure he knew he could lean on you.

"This isn't the solution," you whispered, pointing to yourself. "Talk to me. Mid-life crises are lighter when shared."

“I don’t think I have the brain to make a correct decision ever.”

"Hey, don't say that," you said firmly, looking into his eyes with a mixture of concern and determination. "You're one of the most talented drivers out there, Charles. One pit stop mishap doesn't change that," you assured, brushing a stray hair from his face.

"But it keeps happening, Y/N," Charles replied, his voice heavy with frustration. "I know, love, and it's unfair. But you can't let it define you," you said, cupping his cheek in your hand.

"I understand how frustrating it is, Charles," you said, your voice soft but determined. "But dwelling on what went wrong won't change anything."

"What do you suggest, then?" Charles asked, a hint of desperation in his tone. "Let's analyze what happened today. Break it down step by step," you suggested, gently guiding him to a more constructive approach. "Let's start with the pit stop. What went wrong there?" you prompted, encouraging him to identify the specific issues.

"It was a miscommunication between the crew members," Charles recalled, his brow furrowing with concentration.

"Okay, so how can we prevent that from happening in the future?"

"Maybe we need to implement clearer communication protocols," Charles suggested, a spark of hope flickering in his eyes.

"That sounds like a solid plan. Let's discuss it with your team tomorrow," you said, nodding in agreement.

"But what if they don't listen to me?" Charles wondered, his confidence wavering.

"You're their driver, Charles. Your input is invaluable. They'll listen," you assured him, offering a reassuring smile.

"I feel a bit better now," Charles admitted, a hint of relief in his tone. “I was just so lost, I should've talked to you a bit sooner.” Your boyfriend whispered before leaning down and dropping a soft lingering kiss on your lips, conveying what words couldn't. "I'm lucky to have you, Y/N."

"And I'm lucky to have you, Charles. We make a great team," you replied, squeezing his hand reassuringly.

Lando Norris

The usual smile was off of Lando’s face. He faced an unavoidable collision with another car in the chaotic start of the race, resulting in damage to his car and an early retirement. Though he tried to maintain a facade of normalcy, the tension in his jaw and the sharpness in his gaze betrayed his true emotions.

Lando typically a laid back playful guy who was always joking around, had retreated into himself on this dismal day, with even the reporters giving him a wide berth. No one has seen him this dejected before and it was killing you.

However, as soon as the race concluded, it was clear why he was keeping up appearances. Lando pecked your cheek and told you to stay put before following the rookie who had collided with his car.

Alarm bells rang in your head and you were right behind him, stopping him using his shoulder.

“Babe, maybe it's best to cool down before confronting him.” You saw him sigh and open his mouth to retort but you were quicker. “Walk with me.”

You understood him obviously, knowing that the incident was beyond his control and shattered his hopes for a strong finish.

"I can't just let it slide, Y/N," Lando said, his voice tight with frustration as he glanced back towards the rookie's garage.

“I understand, Lando, but lashing out won't change anything," you said gently, placing a comforting hand on his arm, relieved when he finally started walking away.

"I just feel so helpless," Lando admitted, his shoulders slumping with defeat.

"You're not helpless, Lando. You're just taking a moment to process everything," you reassured him, placing a gentle kiss against his lips.

"It's just hard to stay positive when everything feels like it's falling apart," Lando confessed, his usual optimism dimmed by disappointment. "I just hate feeling like I'm at the mercy of circumstances.”

"I know, love. But remember, you're not alone in this. We'll figure it out together," you assured him, intertwining your fingers with his. “You, me and the team. He’s going to face penalties anyway.”

"I just wish I could turn back time and avoid that collision," He sighed, letting you drag him to a park nearby for a walk.

"I understand, love. But dwelling on what could have been won't change the present. Let's focus on what we can do now," you suggested, leading him away from the chaos of the race track.

"But what if this affects my standings in the championship?" He wondered aloud, his brow furrowing with worry, a pout evident on his face.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, babe. Right now, let's focus on taking care of you," you said, your voice filled with determination. "Let's just take this walk and clear our heads, okay? If you still want to talk to him later, I’ll support you."

He was extremely grateful that you pulled him away at the time because not even an hour later, the rookie approached Lando and apologized for his mistake.

( writing masterlist \ main masterlist \ drop a request ) ©maxtermind // do not copy, rewrite or translate any of my work on any platforms.

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3hks · 4 months

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How to Get Better at Writing Without Actually Writing

Are you looking to improve your writing without needing to write? I'll admit, I am definitely that kind of person--I have the hardest time even finding something interesting to write--despite that, I have noticed that my writing has vastly improved over the past year or two when it was hardly a hobby, and here's how I did it!

ANALYZE DIFFERENT WORKS

Yes yes, everyone tells you to READ, READ, and READ, even I will agree. However, unlike what some people tell you, you don't actually have to read all those classics like Heart of Darkness or The Hobbit. Of course, those books are very beneficial, but if you find no interest in those types of books (like me), then don't read them!

If you prefer reading casual stories posted by online authors, whether it be a fanfiction or their own, original story, it still qualifies as reading! As long as you are able to find a work that you particularly enjoy, that's all you need!

When reading, the key to improving at writing is to always study the story. Take a moment to look at certain words or phrases that stick out to you. How does the author use them? What do they mean? Keep track of the characters' development and how it affects them. Additionally, note things like powerful scenes, dialogue, and more to have an idea of how you can create something just as impactful. For example, if a text made you cry, think about how and why you reacted like that. This can actually help you re-create events that hold the same effectiveness, if not more!

To add on, if you really dislike reading just that much, then you can always analyze things like shows, movies, etc. However, this will prove to be less efficient because you often don't get access to the text behind the shows. Still, it's a good way to study the plot, characters, character developments, dialogue, and relationships!

2. PROOFREADING

No, I'm not saying that you should be an editor; this actually ties back to my first tip. Remember how I said that if you don't want to read classics, then don't? Well, this is because forcing yourself to read them is completely unnecessary (unless you like them or want to write like the author, of course). As a matter of fact, reading poorly written stories can be very helpful for improvement!

When we read books or novels that have obvious grammar errors, repetitive words, and choppy sentences, we will realize these mistakes and point them out to ourselves. Being able to scout out faults means that we are able to learn from them and grow! Noticing these things will also help prevent you from making the same or similar mistakes!

3. STUDY TIPS ONLINE

I used to go search up websites on Google whenever I wanted help with a certain topic. Of course, not all of the sites are reliable and/or helpful, but some point out good ideas that a couple of us just need! This can be especially useful regarding the things that we are unfamiliar with when writing. They can offer a base foundation and tips on how to start and finish!

They can also serve as a great inspiration for fresh ideas and new perspectives!

Yes, these three tips are pretty simple; however, I have found that they work very well for me! People vary from person-to-person, so it can't be guaranteed the same effect, but this is the best I got! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! <3

Happy writing~

3hks :)

#writing #writeblr #writerscommunity #writing tips #creative writing #writing advice #improve at writing #improve at writing without writing #writers on tumblr #writer tips #get better at writing #get better at writing without writing

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hanaonesflower · 1 year

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“Princess, can I ask you something?” He speaks, breaking the silence of the long, uneventful car ride. “Sure, anything!” You chirp, unsuspecting of what is to come.

“Why don’t you ever let me do anything for you?” Ushijima says, his eyes remain fixated on the long stretch of roads ahead. The fog heavily roll down the sides the hills on your either sides, lowering visibility. His hand tightens around the wheel, while the other grips yours.

“What do you mean by that?” You sit back, eyes wandering his features, looking for any sign that he’s just cheerfully asking you. Knowing Ushi though, he’s sometimes not as light hearted as you’d think.

“You are always so insistent on doing everything yourself. You won’t let me help you, like earlier, when you refused to let me tie your shoes. That isn’t the first time you refused my help.” He goes on a spiel, his thumb reaches to the toggle and lowers the volume, making his breathing more prominent than ever. It has occur to you that you have always been doing everything by yourself despite his looming figure always by your side. The hyperindependence is slowly starting to bother him. He wants to help you, wants to give you the fullest extent of a princess treatment yet the only thing really holding him back from that is, you.

“It’s just something that I could easily have done for myself, you didn’t need to bother with that, don’t worry, baby,” you try to comfort him, hoping some words of affirmation can help. It really isn’t a big deal, it’s some shoe laces that came undone, not a heavy errand.

As soon as the car is pulled into a parking spot at a rest stop, quickly shifting the car in “park”, turning to you and he sighs. A real sigh. One so full of frustration and… hopelessness. “I’m not bothered. It has never mattered how big or small anything is, I want to do everything for you. Why are you holding yourself back from me?” He is starting to put things into perspective for you. After going through a useless ex-boyfriend, then a man who gave you hot and cold attention, lastly a guy who gave you princess treatment to fill his inflated ego before meeting Ushijima, learning to only rely on yourself has been the protector of your heart, your soul and your sanity. You find that by depending on your good ol’ self is the only way to prevent yourself from throwing your body off a bridge.

“Ushi, it’s not—,” before you can finish your sentence, truthfully you don’t really know what to say. He’s right, you are holding yourself back from him. Holding yourself back from the hurt that you’ve known all too well, he interrupts, holding both your hands in his, “baby, you’re my priority, my everything, your well-being, happiness and comfort are my main concerns and I want it to be that way,” he stops, taking a breath. Reminiscent of the times where Ushijima offered to go so out of his way to help you but being kindly turned down has left him feeling absolutely useless and uneasy. Ushijima’s love language is act of service and because he hasn’t been able to do the bare minimum for you, he feels it eating him alive.

“I am aware of your past, I know that I can’t change what was, but I’m here to make a difference now, I mean it!” You are moved by his words, he means what he says and you know it. You’ve seen it. He’s a big man of his words, always keeping promises, has never ever disappointed you in any way. Yet the walls have been reinforced many times again that it has cemented itself in your life, creating a barrier between the two of you. “I want to open doors for you, pull out chairs for you, pick you up from a friend’s house, drop you off at the airport, all of that, please, baby, please just let me.” You have to say, it is like he is begging for you to allow him in, allow him to integrate further into your system, a system you’ve built to keep you from going down a slippery slope time and time again.

“I’m so grateful for you, Ushi, you’ve done so much for me, you really have. I just feel like I can’t be asking for anymore than what you’ve already given me,” before you can inhale a full breath, he branches his body over to your side of the car and kisses you deeply, so deeply that you melt. “I’m at your disposal, you are my world, let me in, don’t keep shutting me out,” he says, breaking away from the kiss.

You chuckle, “yes, Wakatoshi, I accept your offer,” and you’ve never seen him smile wider. A big, toothy grin coming from the infamously stoic dude. He kisses you again, “thank you, baby.”

He unbuckles your seatbelt, hastily running from his side to yours and opening the door for you, and just like the universe is rooting for the both of you, your shoe laces come undone, again.

#haikyu fluff #hehe I wrote this in 20 minutes #haikyu imagines #ushijima x you #ushijima x reader #haikyu ushijima #ushijima imagine #ushijima imagines #ushijima fluff #ushjima wakatoshi #haikyuu ushiwaka #hq drabbles #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fluff #haikyu headcanons #⌑ 5 LL series ⌑

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medicinemane · 2 years

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Just try to understand, in spite of everything I've done with the trailer, with the house, with keeping myself together, no one ever really treats me like they trust me

Family is constantly second guessing me, and then on here you get people who they mean well, but like do you really think that I'm just too thick to have figured out therapy might benefit me?

The sad thing is how good my mental health is, I'm sure you'll say I'm wrong because I just got through saying how nothing is very pleasurable and I wish I'd hurry up and kill myself but I'm just not in the mood

Consider this though, you all lost your shit during quarantine, and I'm not saying you shouldn't have but I'm saying I didn't even notice it

Cause every day of my life for my whole life has been lived more or less like I was in quarantine barring a few outlier times like when I was in Quebec (where I was still very isolated for those couple months). I just live with what I guess bothers the shit out of everyone else

So I'm not saying I'm healthy or something, I'm saying for where I am and what I deal with I'm pretty fucking stable

I'm saying what do I do? What am I always doing? No matter how shit I'm feeling I'm slowly working towards moving forward in some small ways. Takes me forever, but I can tell you the next steps in the plan. Get the last phase one room cleaned out, get the commission sent. Those are the two current accessible steps. Having trouble executing on that, but I know what the next steps are and it was some time ago, but I cleaned up the whole rest of the house, didn't I?

Is it too much to ask to just fucking trust me?

When I, how sincerely hates myself at this point because my mental heath has gotten worse over the years, when I'm saying that following my plans work. When I'm saying yeah it's not ideal and there's bleeding I just can't stop, but unless I can get help this is kind of best case scenario... when my worst critic (well... one of my worst, there's always family) is saying things are going as well as can be expected... can you not just trust me for one second?

I wouldn't be so bothered if this wasn't far from the first time I've has someone say this to me even after I've explained why I literally just can't or maybe just won't get professional help right now, but it's not coming without a change

Not to mention I'm gonna blow your mind, but there's more than just professional help, there's also peer help

I don't know, you (not most of you, general you where I'm not naming names but if you haven't said it you're excused) you keep saying this and I get tired of it

Some of this has come from people I really really like, some times it comes from more or less strangers, or in between there, you know... but some of it comes from people I don't want to get mad at but like... I just don't know how to get through to you

You're making things worse. Fucking stop it. All you're doing is making me feel like you don't fucking listen, and that just makes me feel worse

Trust me and leave it, don't feel up to dealing with my depressed ass and take care of yourself by not looking at my posts, or offer me a hand or just some company or whatever

But stop with the telling me to get help. You're lucky I can probably get it covered (though, once again, not sure I can get stuff that works for me covered), cause if I'm blunt you're kind of being dicks telling people to just get help cause do you know how expensive that shit can be?

I've known people who really wanted therapy, really needed it, but just couldn't fucking afford it. Think how much it would help if I told you to just go see a dentist when you don't have dental. What's that doing for anyone?

This really bothers me, like really bothers me, look how much dumb shit I write explicitly saying it bothers me

So stop it, don't do it again

#mm tag so i can find things later #I mean I'm not asking for an apology cause I know none is coming #but in lieu of that I'll take just stopping with this #and once again; you didn't do this; then you haven't done it and this isn't directed at you #this is only directed at you if you're told me to get some help or that you hope I find some meds or shit like that #if you've just said like 'sorry you're feeling like this; I wish there was something I could do'#or 'I hope you feel better' or something like that... that's fine #there is one other thing someone said that pissed me off; but... it's whatever and I'm not gonna get into it #and it was someone on here; but if we've done minecraft it's not you; so don't let your anxiety get to you #and like... not worth worrying about and I don't want even the person who said it worrying about it #all I'll say is that I respect other people's beliefs and I'm not an ass towards them about them #so I'd like my lack of any faith respected and people to get that that's what makes me comfortable #so like didn't want to be rude and still don't about stuff meant as a kind gesture #but like the question of what happens after death just doesn't interest me and if you've got your answer that's great #you probably know better than I do since I don't really think on it cause just... see too much here #and I kind of don't care about anything else's opinion on it; gonna deal with it how I best see fit regardless #so good for you; but don't go asking for nothing on my behalf cause I don't want it; ya feel?#like trying to be polite cause I know a lot of people ain't about this stuff; but there's my stance on it #offer me an actual hand; offer me some well wishes or some perspective #cause I always so damn bluntly tell you that all my evidence is warp but it's literally all I have #so alternative evidence is welcome; feel free to submit it; though understand shit doesn't change overnight #but like... an actual hand; something nice to say; or leave it #that's my request; that's my wishes spelled out #can I just get that much #no more advice from people who don't know my situation as well as I do #just... I get annoyed; like genuinely annoyed #and I don't want to lash out at anyone but... I can't overstate how insulting it gets after a certain point

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dekuphilia · 10 days

Text

ALWAYS HERE

Pairing: Izuku Midoriya x reader

Warnings: nsft content, friends to lovers, step sibling relationship (not heavily referred, no titles like 'brother' or 'sister'), afab reader, light dom/sub(?), praise, begging, mention of izuku touching himself while thinking of you, mention of stealing readers underwear, breeding, cervix fucking, creampie, fingering (f. receiving), feelings of doubt involving sex, aftercare

Things between the two of you changed over the course of your life. You just miss your best friend, where have the times gone?

note: all characters are aged up to 21+

nsft under the cut

You and Izuku had always been close, almost every memory regarding your childhood involved him in some way. you remember how he stood up for you in primary school, being a few years older than you, he thought it was his duty to protect a sweet girl like you. He never left your side, always there when you needed him.

He was always there to help you up when you had fallen over, or offer you a hand when you tripped and scrapped your knees. you really looked up to him and admired his kindness.

it was no surprise you were still close now as adults, sharing a house as you grew older. He was just always there.

you recall whenever him and his mother moved into the small apartment you and your father occupied.

“Remember your friend izuku from school?” your father asked in a soft voice, crouching down to meet your eyes.

you nodded excitedly, your messy braids bouncing around as you held your excited little fists to your chest, “Mhm! he’s my bestest friend!” you giggled.

“Well, him and his mom are going to stay with us for a while,” your father smiled at you, “Just for a little while.”

it turns out ‘a little while’ meant more than you had thought, seeing as they never left and became one with your family, not that you minded.

More time passed, and as you grew older, you realized what was happening between your father and your best friend’s mother. what started as a simple friendship between coworkers had clearly developed into something more.

While you were still in your adolescence, you attended their wedding, watching your father smile and shed a few tearas he said his vows to your best friend’s mother. you were so excited back then, becoming bonded to izuku in a way you hadn’t even thought of at the time.

you continued to grow together, your feeling for him unchanged as time went by, He was still your best friend, your sweet izuku. even though he was your step brother now.

you recall moving into a bigger house, one with enough room for you and izuku to not share a room anymore, as you were getting to an age where it didn’t seem appropriate to your parents anymore, not that anything strange ever happened. Most nights consisted of you and Izuku staying up all night, giggling as you chatted from separate beds, staring at the glow in the dark stars scattering your shared ceiling. Part of you didn’t understand why you had to have your own room, but as you grew into a teenager, you understood why it was important for you both to have your own space, at least from your father’s and izuku’s mother’s perspective.

Soon enough, coloring pages turned to spelling tests, and spelling tests became essays, and the next thing you knew, you were studying for final exams for UA something you had watched Izuku do just a few years prior.

Your relationship with your best friend seemed to fade a bit, as you were both so busy with, you with your studies, him with his hero training, that you hardly saw each other.

Sure, maybe you’d pass each other in the hallway on nights that he was home, watching as you drug his aching body to his bedroom. Maybe even early in the morning, when you sat at the kitchen table, awaiting your coffee maker to alert you that it was finished. you’d even steal glances when he’d walk past your room late at night, entering the bathroom before the shower clicked on.

the point was, you didn’t really get to see him anymore, not unless you went out of your way to insert yourself into his busy schedule.

you’d often stay up late, wondering if he still even considered you his best friend.

had he made other friends while he was training?

Were they more like him than you? strong like him? kind like him?

Able to offer him more than you were?

You had pushed these thoughts aside for a long time, hoping they would go away. Of course they didn’t, lingering in the back of your mind, leaving a sour taste in your mouth as a bit of shame and jealousy overtook you from time to time.

There was another thing that caused distance in your friendship, your lack of a quirk.

you remember, even from a young age, Izuku was fascinated by quirks. always studying them, always writing in his notebook about anything new he learned. you remember when he told you he didn’t have a quirk, and really, you were so thankful to hear that when you were just a little girl. you had finally met someone like you.

As the two of you grew older, things changed, he developed a quirk, and that’s when things started to fall apart.

you were left alone most of the time then, missing your best friend as he stayed out training until the sun came out.

you longed for the friendship you once had with izuku, the inseparable, unselfish love you had for each other.

things were just different now.

You sat at your desk, sighing as you continued to scribble away in your notebook, attempting to finish your studying session.

your eyes darted away from the page in front of you, taking note of the time. it was already past midnight now, the sun had long faded away, leaving your room dimly lit by a small lap sat nearby.

Izuku had been gone all day, out training or doing some type of competition for school, you couldn’t really keep track anymore.

your father and his mother were gone as well, off for the week on a work trip. leaving you completely alone in the house all day.

you had tried to keep yourself busy, but you were on day three of being mostly alone, only seeing izuku in the morning as he left for UA.

you grew bored in that moment, yawning as you pushed aside your notebook, resting your elbows on the wood of the desk before resting your face in your hands.

you stared down at the note page in front of you for a few seconds, relaxing your mind, “Jus’ a little break,” you mutter to yourself, pushing your hair back, knotting your fingers into it as you hummed, soothing yourself.

“Hey, do you know where the towels are?”

you nearly shrieked as a deep voice interrupted your thoughts, your head flying up to meet forest eyes as Izuku stood in your doorway, leaning against the frame. He held his shirt in his hand, his chest exposed to you.

though it was nothing you hadn’t seen before, you found yourself shifting in your desk chair, trying resist the urge to glance down for more than a second at a time.

This was the first time you had spoken to him all day, aside from a quick ‘good morning’ as he left earlier.

“Uhm—,” you thought for a moment, glancing down at his toned chest, your eyes shifting a bit lower as you realized he was only clad in a pair of black underwear that seemed to hug his muscular thighs, “Maybe— Maybe in the dryer?”

you had hardly managed to get the words out, your mind clouded with unfamiliar thoughts.

Sure, you knew he was attractive, you had always found him cute, even in your younger days, But something about your feelings now felt a little less than innocent, as they had back then.

“Mm?” he hummed, “Everything okay?” His voice held genuine concern as you met his gaze, his head tilting slightly to the side, “You seem stressed, bunny.”

your cheeks flushed as the nickname left his mouth, the one he used to call you when you were younger, he often referred to you as a timid rabbit who needed to be protected.

you knew it was just an innocent name, one that had stuck so long ago, but he rarely referred to you that way anymore, often using your name, or not even referring to you at all, seeing as you hardly spoke some days.

“Mhm?” You took your lip between your teeth, sucking in a breath as your mind hazes with thoughts of your hands pressing against his chest, feeling the ripples of his skin beneath your fingers.

he notices right away something is different in the way your eyes seem almost glazed over as you speak to him, “Mhm what?” he questions, stepping further into your room, until he’s comfortable sat on your bed, muscular thighs parting slightly as interlocks his knuckles, dropping them into the empty, “Something on your mind, bun?”

You feel his gaze on you now, tension thick in the air as his graze drops down to your chest. He nearly smirks as he notices your nipples pebbling beneath your thin shirt, but he holds himself together, playing coy with you as a soft, innocent smile covering his lips as his eyes flicker back up to meet yours.

“Just stressed, Mhm,” you’re attempting to keep your composure now, eyes drifting to his clasped hands, not daring to look beyond them.

tension is thick in the air and your tongue feels heavy in your mouth. you’re acutely aware of the feeling between your thighs now.

You shift in your seat again, turning until you're almost facing him, holding back a whine as you feel a wet spot forming against the cotton of your undergarments.

Of course, Izuku takes note of the look on your face as you adjust yourself, resisting the urge to adjust himself as well as he watches your cute lips turn into a soft, almost uncatchable pout for only a moment.

“Just stressed, huh?” he repeats your words, his voice ringing in your ears in an unfamiliar tone, something sultry replacing his normal, cheery one, “Anything I could help you with?”

He’s standing now, hovering over you slightly as he leans over your shoulder to look at the notes you had previously written. Of course, he wasn’t actually reading them, this was all a ploy to get closer to you.

You’re engulfed in his scent as he leans over you, reminisces of his day lingering on his skin, soft tones of mint and citrus permeating through the space.

words seem to escape you as his soft curls brush against your cheek as he leans a bit further over you, his chest pressed against the back of your chair as his eyes scan your notebook.

“S’getting late, ya’know?” he mumbles, his chest vibrating a bit as he speaks lowly, “Maybe time to lay down and relax, Mm?” He stands back now, still lingering behind your chair.

You feel a calloused hand on your bare clothed shoulder, rubbing soft circles with fingertips. your mind fogs, your head threatening to lull to the side as he continues his gentle movements, fingers drifting towards the nape of your neck, applying a slight pressure.

you give a small nod, unsure how to respond, not that you could even if you wanted to. a soft whine passing your lips instead, feeling a bit of your inner tension release at his soft touch.

“You’re so sweet, bunny,” he mutters, “Miss hanging out with you everyday,” fingers drift a bit further down, ghosting over your collarbone, threatening to slip past the collar of your shirt, but he’s still testing the waters, not wanting to push too far, “Miss protecting you, keeping you to myself.”

within a moment, he grows a bit bolder, touring with your shirt collar, “Jus’ been so busy,” your head lulls back, resting against the back of the chair, “M’sorry, bunny.”

you’re not sure why he’s apologizing, maybe it’s because he’s touching you? or maybe because he hasn’t had time for you lately. maybe even both.

“No one compares to you,” a soft smile plays on his lips, though you can’t see, “My sweet, soft girl.”

his girl.

His hand dips past the collar of your shirt, fingers brushing against your nipple, causing you to jolt slightly, the sensation only exciting your further, though a feeling of something along the lines of guilt hang in the back of your mind.

“Izu?” you manage to speak, your voice coming out rushes, “s’this okay?”

you sound so innocent in that moment, your sweet voice only egging him further, his stuff cock flexing beneath the thin material of his boxers, as it’s pressed to the back of your chair. a soft groan passes his lips, “baby, s’okay —yeah, s’okay.” he assures you, and also himself a bit.

you're not really his sister, are you? just tied together by the marriage of one of each of your parents. your bond remained the same over all those years, nothing more than a friendship, right?

Izuku wouldn’t deny he had thought about you in some distasteful ways in the past, even in his teenage years, he found himself fisting his cock to cute selfies of you. maybe he’d even gone as far as stealing some of your underwear from your shared laundry bin, though he’d never admit that part. He was far too prideful to admit he was so perverse.

“Let's move, Mm?” he cups your chest, rolling your nipple between his thumb and forefinger, “Jus’ wanna give you some attention.”

Before you know it, you’re standing and he’s leading you to your twin sized bed with a quick tug of your hand, “S’okay, bunny,” he soothes your mind, “S’just me,” his face holds a soft smile, but the look in his eyes is what really gets you, his pupils are blown wide, a small rim of green all that’s left of his irises.

“Mhm, s’just you,” you repeat, “jus you and me, ‘Zuku,” your breath comes out in soft pants as he hovers over you, pinning you to the mattress with his hips, his stiff cock pressing against your thigh.

“Mhmm,” he lets out a low hum, “jus’ me,” he shifts until he’s pressed against your clothed cunt, “jus’ your ‘zuku, huh?” a teasing smile covers his face, his cheeks dimpling.

“Mine,” you say shyly, pressing your waist forward in an attempt to get any kind of friction, a whine bubbling in your throat as he withdraws, teasing smile turning to a smirk.

“Mm, yours.” he confirms, “Don’t get cocky though,” his calloused hand grips your hip, your shorts pushing down a bit, “M’older than you,” his hand move further, dipping into your underwear, “n’ stronger,” a satisfied grunt leaves his lips as he ghosts your clit, feeling how soaked you are, “n’ bigger.”

you attempted to hide from him, tilting your head to the side whilst burying your face into his arm that rested just above your head, “Don’t tease,” you plea, trying to keep still.

“Shh, Shh,” he toys with your clit, watching as you squirm beneath him, “Jus’ wanna take my time,” he leans down, nuzzling his face into your neck, his curls tickling your cheek again as he places soft kisses on your skin.

Truthfully, he was trying so hard not to go too far, not to scare you, or go too fast, but his sense of control was running thin, threatening to snap any second. this was something he had only dreamed about.

“Please, Please, ‘Zuku,” you continued to whine, raising your hips to meet his hand, “jus’ touch me.”

He really lost himself then, his fingers dropping to slip inside of you, pushing two digits into your drooling hole.

“S’so wet already,” he can’t help but groan, sinking his fingers a bit deeper, “Can’t believe you’re already soaking my fingers.”

he can’t help but imagine how you’d feel clamping down on his leaking cock, just the thought causing it to twitch against your thigh.

“don’ want your fingers,” you whine, squirming against him, “wan’ more, please ‘Zuku.”

He shakes his head slightly, “Need to— god,” a low growl erupts in his chest, “Need to prep you, baby, I have to.”

he almost whines, thinking about shoving his cock inside, thinking of how you’d squeeze around him.

“jus’ want it,” you desperately press against his fingers, tears threatening you spill onto your cheeks, “Can’t wait, can’t wait, please ‘zu.”

that’s the final crack in his foundation, causing his walls to tumble down.

“yeah, baby— baby, don’t cry,” he pulls his fingers from your dripping cunt, “M’gonna give it to you— Fuck,” he jerks back, pushing his underwear down until his cock’s finally free, velvety tip pressing against his abdomen as he he reaches up to fist it for a moment, glancing down at you, “s’all yours—“, his gaze flickers up to meet yours, your teary eyes pulling at his heart strings, “‘Zuku’s gonna give it to you, s’okay.”

With a shaky hand, he presses his swollen cock against your slit, dragging it up until it catches on your clit, causing you to let out a string of swears. He does this a few times, watching as his tip gets coated in your sweet juices.

One final time, he drags his leaking cock up toward your clit, before bringing it back down, pushing the head inside with a huff. you’re already engulfing him, your greedy cunt sucking him in.

“Baby—, bunny, my god.” he can’t think straight, so intoxicated on the way you’re drawing him in.

you whine, squirming under him as you attempt to get him to go further, but truthfully he’s trying not to release his seed into you at that moment, attempting to clear his head enough to give you more.

his eyes are fixated on your sweet cunt, taking him in as he pressed further, burying himself inside you to the hilt.

you gasp, feeling his cock bullying its way inside of you, filling you until you feel dizzy, “Please ‘zu,” you whine, reaching out to press your hands against his chest.

you don’t even have to say anything, he can read you so well, knows exactly what you want, what you need.

“S’so fuckin’—“ Izuku grits his teeth slightly, rocking his hips as he gives you what you’ve been craving, “So tight,” he slurs out, planting both of his hands on either side of your head, caging you in, forcing you to look at him as he gives you what you want.

He’s overtaking you, overwhelming your senses in ways you didn’t even know was possible, every thought in your mind is of him, nothing else seems to matter. just you and your Izuku.

Your eyes lock with his, a fawned look covering your face as your eyes widen, feeling yourself gripping his meaty cock, “Please, ‘Zu,” you manage to pant out, “Please, don’t stop.” you babble.

As if he would even imagine stopping, he’s so intoxicated by just the lock on your face, watching the way your mouth hangs open as your eyes flutter closed. He’s watching your cunt take him in now, watching the way he disappears inside of you over and over again, cock head pressing against your cervix with each thrust of his hips.

“Feel’s so good—,” his moves one of his hands down from near your face, thumbing your clit, “feel’s so good inside,” his breath is coming out in short huffs, he’s trying so hard not to cum inside of your pussy, but it’s so hard when you’re practically milking him, “Bunny, bunny, jus’ need you to cum on my cock.”

you’re squirming under him now, so close to the edge, so close that all it takes is a few praises from him to make you cream all over his cock.

“tha’s a good girl, such a good girl, bunny,” he groans, focusing on working you through your orgasm, “my good bunny, all mine.”

he can’t take it anymore, the feeling of your sweet cunt convulsing around him breaks him, “jus’ need to cum inside,” he slurs as he spills inside of you without warning, continuing to lazily thrust into you, “S’okay bunny, jus’ let your ‘zuku fill your pussy with his cum,” he grunts, chest heaving as he finishes releasing inside of you, the mixture of your arousal and his coating his cock.

you’re completely fucked now, sweating coating your forehead as you look up at him, pupils blown wide to match his.

He slowly unsheathes his cock from you, glancing down to see his seed dripping down onto your sheets before he meets your eyes again, clearing his throat.

“Look at you, bunny,” his tone drops to a sweeter one now, one that holds comfort and years of love for you, “m’pretty girl,” he still hovers over you, his hot breath fanning across your face as he nudges your cheek with his nose.

“Mm,” you hum sleepily, “I needed that,” you press closer to his face, feeling his lips ghost against your cheek.

“Me too,” he replies softly, placing soft kissing against your skin, “M’always here for you.”

He tends to your unspoken needs, backing away from your face, brushing the pad of his thumb under your eye to brush away tears you hadn’t even realized were sliding down onto your cheeks.

“Still here,” he mutters, nodding softly as he keeps his eyes locked with yours, “Always here,” he continues rubbing against your cheek, “I’d never leave you, never let you go.”

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grison-in-space · 7 months

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Listening to Artificial Condition again, it strikes me how much Murderbot uses empathy reflexively as a survival skill. Look at this bit.

Upon meeting it, ART allows it on board and then announces that it knows that Murderbot is rogue. Then ART threatens to destroy it if it hacks ART's own systems. Murderbot is immediately terrified and shuts down all inputs, gives serious thought to spending the entire three month journey unconscious, and then considers the potential avenues of damage from ART's drones. ART, not realizing why Murderbot had suddenly gone silent, tells it to quit sulking, which understandably pisses off the still-terrified Murderbot. It dumps a bunch of memories of coercive treatment into ART's feed, and ART goes silent.

Then this happens:

Then it said, I’m sorry I frightened you. Okay, well. If you think I trusted that apology, you don’t know Murderbot. Most likely it was playing a game with me. I said, “I don’t want anything from you. I just want to ride to your next destination.” I’d explained that earlier, before it opened the hatch for me, but it was worth repeating. I felt it withdraw back behind its wall. I waited, and let my circulatory system purge the fear-generated chemicals. More time crawled by, and I started to get bored. Sitting here like this was too much like waiting in a cubicle after I’d been activated, waiting for the new clients to take delivery, for the next boring contract. If it was going to destroy me, at least I could get some media in before that happened. I started the new show again, but I was still too upset to enjoy it, so I stopped it and started rewatching an old episode of Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon. After three episodes, I was calmer and reluctantly beginning to see the transport’s perspective. A SecUnit could cause it a lot of internal damage if it wasn’t careful, and rogue SecUnits were not exactly known for lying low and avoiding trouble. I hadn’t hurt the last transport I had taken a ride on, but it didn’t know that. I didn’t understand why it had let me aboard, if it really didn’t want to hurt me. I wouldn’t have trusted me, if I was a transport. Maybe it was like me, and it had taken an opportunity because it was there, not because it knew what it wanted.

The thing about Murderbot's survival is that it clearly involves quite a bit of negotiating with other constructs and bots. That's how it talks its way onto cargo hauler bots in the first place. It uses empathy--envisioning the emotional and cognitive context of the individuals it encounters--to work out what different kinds of people want, so that it can offer them fair trades. It also uses empathy to consider what humans might be looking for, so it can practice blending in and hide.

Murderbot would never have survived so long if it wasn't capable of assessing the individual desires of the people--human, bot, and construct--around it. It thinks about ART's probable fears and motivations so that it can consider whether ART is inherently an ongoing threat or a potential ally.

When your survival depends on evading detection, you get really good at assessing perceptual biases so that you can shape yourself to fit into them. People talk about murderbot being radically empathetic as a choice it makes, or as a feature of its personality that makes it a good person. But I think murderbot would be the the first person to tell you that this empathy is part of its threat assessment suite, a skill that was developed out of necessity in order to allow you to survive.

It is also a trait that makes murderbot a good person, of course: it chooses very carefully to try to survive by doing as little harm as possible and by offering things, like media, that buy it access to things it needs. But it started as a survival skill. It's part of hypervigilance.

I think one of the strengths of this series is that so many of the things we love about SecUnit are traits developed for survival in an inherently threatening world. The shape of its mind and heart have been changed by the trauma of its origin--but they don't make murderbot less good for being altered, even if that skill was developed in a traumatic context.

I like that.

#murderbot #empathy as a tool #note that this is not necessarily natural empathy #it's cognitive and only happens when the adrenaline eases off #going to work my way though the existing published series before I dig into my brand new copy of the new one

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