#its so good and im forever so sad it got cut SO badly in the anime adaptation | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sj0228 · 3 years

Text

astro notes for fun lol

HEY! this is my first astro observations post so don't be too hard on me lol unless u wanna then sure maybe i can improve them somehow BUTANYWAYZ this is for entertainment purposes only!! obviously these are just my own observations so if they don't resonate with you don't get offended or you're a big ol' 🅱️uss so here they are!! also SHOUTOUT TO MY AMAZING FRIENDS fyi i got sum help from them by asking them billions of questions to confirm my suspicions so uh hope that makes the observations more accurate LOL ANYWAYS HERE THEY ARE!! i'll probably make more in the future cuz i think they're super fun to make :D also if u couldnt tell uhm this isnt very professional im not professional BUT I TRIED TO MAKE IT PRETTY so pls dont be bothered lol im just doing this for fun i didnt even wanna make an astro page so yea </3pretty unreliable LMAOOO

👩🏻‍🦲 the house your mars is in is what pisses you off the most!! (eg. 1st - people assuming things about you, 5th - people beating around the bush, 7th - things that disrupt the harmony of your environment, 9th - the need to hold back your opinions because others get bothered by them being "offensive")

👩🏻‍🦲 cancers are true ambiverts and i've truly never ever seen a cancer who wouldn't be both introverted and extroverted at times. they are always either social introverts or quiet extroverts lol. or both!! (somehow 0_0) they enjoy people's attention, whether it's wanting to be noticed or appreciated or generally cared for, and they need their alone time. they tend to be very productive at those times, too.

👩🏻‍🦲 ok i have a lot of notes for cancers so it's gonna be a lot lmao sorry anyways!! i've also noticed they LOVEEE breaking loose every once in a while, if not every time they're given the opportunity! thing is, it's usually only if someone else is there to convince them or do it with them. they don't like taking risks alone! they are very impressed and fond of the 'wild child' persona people because they bring out the cancer's wild side!

👩🏻‍🦲 libra moons are absolutely loved by people, it's so crazy! like, no matter what they do they always have attention on them. this can manifest badly if the moon person is actually pretty horrible, things they do tend to be overlooked and others move on pretty quickly from their mistakes, letting them do whatever they want. i wanted to give an example but uh,,,,, i shall.. refrain😳

👩🏻‍🦲 libra suns with water moons are so scary when they're angry..

👩🏻‍🦲 cancer moon is what i deem as the zodiac sign cute-ifyer lol. literally any "tough" sign like capricorn, scorpio or aquarius becomes a super cute goofball with this moon. WEIRDEST THING EVER THOUGH is that it doesn't work for cancer suns?! like if a cancer sun has a cancer moon this just makes the person very confusing but very funny. they can brighten anybody's day without trying!

👩🏻‍🦲 okay uh this isn't an astro note as much as it is me being a phucken simp but uh..... I HAVE AN UNDYING LOVE FOR ARIES SUNS I WILL MARRY EVERY EACHAND ONE OF YOU ISTG. ARIES SUNS ARE THE NICEST AND FUNNIEST PEOPEL I'VE EVER SEEN YOU HAVE THE BEST HUMOR EVER AND YOU'RE SO KIND TO EVERYBODY YOU'RE SO KIND I LOVE YOU YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS PLANET I WANT TO HUG YOU FOREVER okay jbshxhjn but fr aries are the best people ever?!?!?!?!?!?! pls

👩🏻‍🦲 okay JUST SO THIS WHOLE ARIES MENTION ISN'T JUST A POINTLESS LOVE CONFESSION - i've noticed a lot of ♥aries♥ people use the laughing crying face emojis (😂,🤣) unironically and it's honestly.....the best thing ever

👩🏻‍🦲 taurus suns do this sometimes as well

👩🏻‍🦲 THE MOST UNHEALTHY PERCEPTIONS OF ZODIAC SIGNS ARE PUT ON FIRE SIGNS, NOT THE WATER SIGNS AND THIS IS COMING FROM A PISCES!!!!!!1 every stereotype is always showing fire signs as those sunshine of the group people, the baddies, and the ones with the biggest 'idgaf' attitude. and while this can totally be true sometimes, most of the time it's super different! sad fire signs break my heart pls i just wanna hug you guys T-T they have it the hardest because unlike water signs who are already expected to be emotional, they often repress their emotions for the sake of others and because of the fear of betrayal or judgement, or just generally the idea of "it's better to have fake friends than to have zero friends". YOU GUYS PLEASE. cut these people off from your life you deserve soo much better i know it can be super hard to open up for you u just need a hug omg EVERYONE PLEASE CHECK UP ON YOUR FIRE SIGN FRIENDS ASK THEM ABOUT THEIR DAY N STUFF THEY WILL APPRECIATE YOU CARING FOR THEM! pls stay best and take care sweethearts ily!!!

👩🏻‍🦲 i've also noticed that some of the signs tend to show their sadness through anger - this is not just astrology though so if your friend has been jumpy lately please just check on them they are probably going thru sth😳 anyways the signs i mostly saw this in are pisces, aries and libra.

👩🏻‍🦲 cancers with feminine moons (earth and water) tend to be pretty introspective. they often think they're the ones being mistreated, and while this of course might be true, in reality it usually goes a lonnng way back lol. they often pay very little attention to others!! (masculine moon sign cancers (fire and air) can often be too focused on others more than themselves) this can be good because they don't snoop in other people's business but oh my god, guys, please pay attention to your friends, too! this WILL lead to lost friendships because, let's be real, nobody wants a one-sided friendship with someone who only cares about themselves! i don't want to target anybody here but this is just a pattern i've noticed wayyyy too often, so you might want to look into it and if you think this is you all you need is just to enlargen your perspective and it will all be okay. but please, PLEASE. think about your friends

👩🏻‍🦲 i needed to get this^ out because people often put this on leo placements but tbh i notice that leo placements are THE MOST generous of the entire zodiac and they always think of others first and that's what really makes them so popular. they very rarely are as egocentric as everybody says, they're just really loving and that makes them very lovable!

👩🏻‍🦲 scorpio risings are the prettiest people i've ever seen. not even kidding bruh i could stare at them for EVER their eyes are absolutely gorgeous and their mannerisms are just perfect pls marry me

👩🏻‍🦲 gemini and taurus placements make an individual soooo chill to the point where it often makes them lazy and a biig procrastinator lol. tho i love how they make light of it by using their amazing humor!

👩🏻‍🦲 you most definitely have your IC be one of your family members' sun sign or one of their personal planets. i have a taurus ic and my sister is a taurus sun!

👩🏻‍🦲 sagittarius suns are the best huggers cause THEY REALLY NEED A HUG SO GO HUG THEM RIGHT NOW. pls guys why r u so sad..

👩🏻‍🦲 scorpio mars aren't even as sexual as everybody says tbh. but they definitely do have some interesting.....interests ;)

👩🏻‍🦲 pluto aspects to personal planets are very prominent, but very hidden. if you have them, most likely you will be the only person to know about this side of you and it can be pretty dark..

👩🏻‍🦲 planets conjunct your sun will be the people you attract most in your life (venus conjunct sun - taurus and libra, jupiter - sagittarius and pisces, mars - aries and scorpio EVERYWHERE)

👩🏻‍🦲 your moon sign will be the sun sign of most of your friends

👩🏻‍🦲 if you don't quite relate to your ascendant, look at the sign you have in your 3rd house and at your mercury sign. this is how you communicate, convey your ideas etc. and will often be a major factor in people's first impressions of you :)

👩🏻‍🦲 lilith aspecting your sun may mean there's a side of you nobody knows.. 👁👁 you're also probably very convincing and people can be very drawn to you and they can't explain why. this also goes for lilith in 7th, especially in girls!

👩🏻‍🦲 you and your friends probably have each other's sun signs as your personal planets!!

👩🏻‍🦲 the kindest person you know is probably either a virgo or an aries.. and the meanest person you know is also probably a virgo or aries LOL

👩🏻‍🦲 capricorn suns & risings are THE hardest to read!! if they don't say what they mean people will just assume and they're never going to be right it's wild 👩🏻‍🦲 also capricorns definitely have the most dad energy, while sagittariuses are more like actual dads jdbshxcvb

OKAY THAT'S ALL!!!! im sure i have more but its 2 am i have school tomorrow or actually its today now so bye uh anyways there will most likely be more so if u liked these stay tuned!! oh and let me know if they were true witchu :o thats it love u stay awesome and super cool i love u byebye!!

1K notes · View notes

henrycavell · 4 years

Text

homecoming part 4

summary: Syverson has been medically discharged from the army after a suicide attempt. He’d been able to hide his deteriorating mental health for years from the men around him, but now he has to face it head on. Hopefully not alone.

word count: 1.1k

pairing: Syverson x OFC warnings: males perspective, hospitals, mentions/descriptions of self harm, the suicide attempt

authors note: as i said in the warnings, this chapter is completely in sy’s pov! it’s also kind of a flash-backy chapter and its really short. also sorry it took me forever to update. i try not to be too heavy writing this story, but sometimes when my mental health isn’t good, i don’t want to write on this story for reasons <3 but here, i’ve finally done it! but this chapter is kind of weird and very short, but i blame how ive been lately <3 also its been a month since ive updated so im sorry, i feel like ive lost some new people who wanted to be tagged, :c

tag list:

@littlefreya @mary-ann84 @wondersofdreaming @forthebrokenheartedthings @geralt-of-baevia @dearlybelovedluke @promptandpros @mansaaay @vacant-writings @80scavill @kaatelyyynn @iloveyouyen @henrythickcavill @hell1129-blog @madbaddic7ed @xxxkatxo @titty-teetee

Blinding white lights, blurry circles around his vision, his lips were so chapped, they ached. Constant beeping by his ears. That was all Logan could focus on at first, but slowly, he began to feel his body. Heavy, sore, suffering.

"You're awake?"

The voice sounded like it was so far away, muffled like it was coming out from the hall or a completely different room entirely. He couldn't place who it belonged to. He barely heard it, Where was he? Logan flinched from her sudden touch like a little pulse of electricity. The touch was gentle and light, fragile and he wasn't entirely sure it was even real. He wanted to reach out to them, whoever the touch belonged to, but his body felt so weighted. As if his veins had been pumped full of cement.

Opening his eyes for another dull second, Logan saw the shadow of a person entering his vision. In his state of confusion, he looked up at the silhouette of the stranger and saw wings. A guardian angel?

"Syverson?"

Logan closed his eyes again and drew in a deep breath. He couldn't answer if he wanted to.

✦✦✦

His house had been how it always was. Dark and quiet. The only light inside came from between the gaps in the curtains and Logan couldn't stand it. That morning, he had stood in front of the window in his bedroom, taking tacks and pinning the black curtain to the wall, all while muttering curses under his breath. Another morning where the damned sun had forced him awake. Aika had watched him from the doorway, going on unnoticed. Even when she whined, Logan ignored her. The second his task was done, the veteran captain crawled straight back into bed.

Aika had been the only thing to get him out of the sheets that day, but maybe that was his first mistake. The dog had grown impatient and started to bite lightly at his hands and arms, whining and barking to force him to get out of bed. Logan groaned, tired of swatting her away and realizing she wasn't going anywhere. "What is it, girl?" One rough hand ran over his face, his other pushing him up off of the mattress.

Following Aika out into the hall and down the stairs, she led him to the backdoor where she propped one paw up on the glass. Another whine as she looked up at him with sad eyes.

"Need to go out?" Logan's face dropped, his eyes glancing at the clock on the stove. It was almost noon. "Don't look at me like that," Logan muttered under his breath, turning his attention back to Aika. He would normally always let her out around eight, when he woke force himself to get up and take a shower, make a pot of coffee. But not today. Sliding the glass door open, Aika darted out into the backyard and Logan's phone started beeping on the counter.

Appointment reminder with Dr. Bannon 1:30 pm

Logan scowled, setting his phone down back down on the counter-top. Just great. How could he have forgotten?

[Later that evening, after Penelope’s visit]

It had only been about two hours since his confrontation with Penelope and Logan was already downed half a dozen beers. The bottles were scattered around the bed, littered all around the floor. The room was completely darkened, Logan couldn't have even seen his hand had it been inches in front of his face. His chest felt heavy, his body felt sinking, and he almost hoped that at any moment his body would just disappear, melt away into the sheets of his bed.

The room was lightly spinning, even the slightest move from his head sent the room crashing around him in waves. "Phone," he slurred, talking to only to himself. Letting the bottle he'd been holding drop to the floor, beer spilled from it, soaking into the carpet around his feet. Logan didn't seem to notice as he patted his chest down and then his pockets.

The cellphone light blinded him, a searing pain shooting through his head as he closed his eyes tightly. "Fuck," he groaned, falling back onto the mattress, covering his eyes with his arm until the pain subsided. Letting out a deep sigh, Logan looked to his phone once more, noticing how badly his hands were shaking. Guilt was eating at him, gnawing at his insides as he thought about how he treated Penelope. All because he was upset over his appointment.

More medications that Logan didn't want to take. Medications that he was sure wouldn't work in the first place. None of the others had. He barely remembered sending the text, before his phone was falling out of his hand. Collapsing to the floor right by the bottle. He looked down to his hands, still not realizing he'd dropped the beer earlier. "Where'd my beer-" his face twisted and scrunched up in confusion as he pushed himself up from the bed.

He'd been on autopilot as he went downstairs to grab another one from the fridge. He barely remembered it. Now, Logan stood in the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. Is this what life would be for the rest of his time? Lonely, waiting for the end as he rotated pills? No, he decided.

Logan's breath hitched in the back of his throat. The feeling of the cold razor against his skin was a relief. It was a slicing pain but it soon became numb, he didn't even feel the blood trickling down his hand, leaving a trail of droplets on the floor, out into the hall, as he returned to his room. Instead, experiencing a sensation of euphoria. Logan’s body felt light, tingling all over. He shut the door to his room behind him tightly, wanting to make sure to keep Aika out. He needed to be alone, he didn't want to start panicking, feel any sort of regret.

Slipping down into his sheets, smearing the blood along with the blankets, Logan sucked in another breath through his teeth. Just wanted to let it all go, exhausted from feeling tired and desperate, sad. Eagerly counting down his last breaths. As far as he was concerned, he had nothing left to give this world. No family that would care, no friends that would miss him.

"Logan?" The voice cut through the thick fog in his mind, but it wasn't enough to get him to move. His breath caught in the back of his throat and suddenly, all Logan felt was a shame. “I got your message… Thought I’d come to check on you…”

A text he couldn't remember sending.

✦✦✦

"Logan?" That same voice from his room, from his dreams. "Logan?" It kept repeating over and over, like an alarm clock blaring in his mind. "Can you hear me? Are you awake?" The guardian angel.

His forced his large and sleepy eyes open, his vision still blurry like before. The bed under him felt stiff and he could feel the plastic beneath the thin sheet. That same beeping was back. His eyes fluttered closed once more, again wondering where he was.

"Am I alive?"

#syverson x ofc #captain syverson fluff #captain syverson fic #henry cavill fanfiction #henry cavill fics #homecoming

89 notes · View notes

queenofallwitches · 3 years

Text

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

3 notes · View notes

mymanskabu · 4 years

Text

Kabu One-Shot:

A Kiss in Ten Seconds

Anonie requested: ❝Idk if I can req anything for the holidays or if it's too late but, just in case. Can you do something for Kabu finding out his champion!s/o will be too busy on New Years Eve and New Years Day bc of all the events that are going on? Then how would he react, when people are literally doing the 10 second count down right before midnight and he sees his s/o burst into the room/wherever he is, panting, out of breath, looking for him just so they could be there to kiss him when the countdown's over?❞

× IM UPLOADING THIS AT 11:59PM Or at least that's the time it is for me as I post this! I know its 2020 already for many of you! I wish you guys a good New Years!

× sorry some of y'alls requests will have taken a year to get done. Please don't unfollow, I am a hard-working person with one brain cell.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

No one told you just how tedious and time consuming being a Champion would be. No wonder the former one appears much less stressed, the poor guy barely had time for his family on this schedule. You were constantly on the move and everyone wanted to talk to you. Leon came around to check on you after you had sent him a text saying, "Help, why are they coming for my life, I have a shit to do."

"Your schedule is very full," He said, looking at you apologetically. "There should be a warning before people try to become Champion, this is a workload that would surely scare off a lot of trainers."

"I don't even have time for my hobbies!" You flip the page to your schedule and half of next month was already full. "I'm lucky enough to manage a call to my mom and one of the only times I see Kabu is when I am going home in the middle of the night." You were surprised the man hasn't decided to leave you. You would completely understand if he couldn't handle being with someone so busy.

"I was undefeated for a very long time," Leon starts explaining. "Your schedule is much fuller than mine was because you beat someone that no one else could for many years. Even those older than me and with perhaps more experience couldn't defeat me."

"You're telling me your schedule wasn't this hectic?" You stared down at the calendar, realizing that talking to Leon was going to get cut short anytime soon.

"It was hectic definitely. Not like this." Leon gave you a comforting pat on your shoulder. "The workload will lessen later on, not sure by how much but you can only repeat a story for so long before people get bored. Then you have to worry about people trying to force a story to happen. At least you have off time when the Gym Challenge is not at large."

"I'm going to lose to the next challenger on purpose," You said. It got a chuckle out of Leon who raised a brow at you, questioning the honesty of your statement. "Or not." You sighed. "Too many benefits outweighing the negatives right now. Well, I'm happy you're able to have more time for other projects Leon!"

"Thank you... Champion."

You were getting many challengers nowadays. People who couldn't defeat Leon come back thinking they can defeat you, plenty of Challengers coming for your title, and new ones in the making. You had a lot of paperwork as well, surprisingly enough. A lot of interviews, so many damn interviews, and your privacy? Almost completely gone. You were grateful for having been with Kabu since before you even challenged the Gyms to attempt being Champion.

Unfortunately your relationship with him was outed rather quickly because of that though. Even if it was a secret, the ring on a specific finger would have also given you away. That was quite recent, it was his surprise for when you became Champion so now wedding planning is somewhere quite far in the schedule. Your management didn't consider it as important as you did, it's something you had to force into your schedule. They only care about managing your public image, personal problems don't rank high on their list of priorities when they're organizing your calendar.

Champions also have to be very involved with Galar and it's people. You had to understand the public opinion, the government opinion, and manage almost any incoming threat. That was terrifying, they sent you to anything just because you happen to be strongest around right now. You had to suck it up and protect the people, show them that their Champion can do probably anything.

You read over your schedule with Leon for a bit longer until you saw something in it that was irritating. "Leon. Why in the world do I have interviews for both New Years Eve and New Years. They can't take those days! I wanted to... I need to be..." You were fuming. You told them not to fill the holidays and they didn't for the past ones, but for some reason they filled those two dates.

"There isn't much you can do about that," He says. "You can try but I remember trying and they... if its urgent, its unlikely." Leon continued with saying that they probably gave you the prior holidays so that you didn't have room to completely complain about your management.

Your phone started ringing. You hesitated to pick up the phone knowing that it'll be someone to take you away for another interview, photoshoot, or fan meet. You didn't hate the people that wanted to meet you, your anger was mostly directed towards the people that were stuffing so much into your schedule. Leon was right though, they can't keep this up forever and hopefully later on it will get more tolerable.

"Are you alright?" His familiar voice caused your shoulders to ease up. You were crossing your arms on the table with your head laid on them. You had came home tired of socializing and still having to do some paperwork having to do with former Chairman Rose.

"Yes, I'm fine. I'm tired though, mentally tired to tell you the truth." You stretched your arms upwards then felt two arms wrap around your shoulders when you put them down. "Kabu, I can't be with you during New Years Eve or New Years. It says its urgent but I very much doubt these Talk Shows need me that badly."

You didn't hear anything from behind you for a long moment. He was most likely thinking, you were too, and depending on what he says, you might just consider the idea of letting him go. It hurt you to ponder upon such a thing, but there's other people out there that could give Kabu much more of their time.

"I understand," He finally said, "I'll open up the Stadium for those that need a warm place to be on those days and I will be thinking of you when the countdown starts."

"You don't have to be like that, you know? You don't have to understand, you can be mad at me, you can be frustrated at me, I won't... I won't blame you!" You got up from where you were sitting to face him. He held your hands and promptly shook his head in response.

"I'm not sure you knew this, love but you do not plan your schedule." He kisses your knuckles to comfort you. "If I am to be frustrated at anyone it will be whoever made you busy on those two days. Was there anything you could do about it?"

"I tried, but they just repeatedly tell me that it's an urgent thing I need to be at," You reply, a frustrated sigh escaping past your lips.

"You do what you have to, and think of me as I will think of you during the countdown." With a hand gently on the back of your neck he guides your mouth to his in a much needed relaxing kiss that made your body melt.

"Of course, you're right... you're right," You mumbled. Your eyes remained closed for a bit after the kiss before you were able to open them without feeling like they held sadness in them. "I love you, you know that?"

"I love you too."

Your stylist dressed you up nicely for the interviews, these events to celebrate a new Champion and a New Year. This is wrong, why does it feel like you were just rubbing it in everyone's face that you were now Champion? You were backstage waiting to be introduced, slouching in a nearby couch with your elbow on your thigh and your hand holding your chin. Finally you heard your name, you could see the crowd cheering on the screen, all anticipating your presence through the hall that all guests walk through.

Kabu opened the Stadium as he said he would, a lot more people came than he thought would. He had announced that it would be open to celebrate the New Year and there would be food and drinks. It wasn't going to be like that at first but you offered the funds and he couldn't say no. It was open for people and Pokemon alike and that brought his heart a pleasant feeling.

He missed you a lot though. He understood that you had things to do but he didn't realize just how attached he had grown to you for your lacking presence to impact him so much. His Stadium was playing the interview for everyone to see and the people that came; majority of them knew Kabu was engaged to the new Champion of Galar. He wondered if you were going to complete your end of the promise and think of him.

"Here's our new magnificent Champion, (Name)!" The cheers were loud, the "I love you's" came from all directions, and so did flowers. Roses, vibrant red roses that reminded you of Kabu. You sat down, a big smile on your face that only managed to be genuine knowing Kabu would see it. "How are you on this beautiful night, Champ?" The interviewer asked.

"I'm doing great, thank you! I actually have somethin' to say real quick, is that alright?" The interviewer furrowed his brows and pointed towards the camera you should speak to.

"Let's hear what (Name) needs to say folks! I wonder what it is! Sounds mysterious!"

"Perhaps it would be mysterious if paparazzi didn't exist," You responded. "I want to say I'm thinking about you, I'll see you soon!"

"Would my guess be wrong if I say that message was for your to-be husband and Fire Type Gym Leader Kabu!?" The interviewer raises your hand, the one that had the ring. "How is the wedding planning going anyway? Any progress?"

"Its somewhere in my schedule, we have ideas we hope to bring to life." The answer was simple and clearly not to the interviewers' taste. They had to remain unaffected though and continued smiling.

"We have a few fan questions we would like you to answer! First one being, would you date a fan?!"

"Absolutely not. I'm engaged, are you people not getting the memo?" You said this sarcastically, but with a tone of seriousness. It got you a laugh from the audience and you laughed along with them as truthfully as you could. "Not to be inappropriate or anything but I think— no. I know I'll be with Kabu for the rest of my life."

Kabu was almost as red as Gym outfit shirt, hearing the "Aww" from both the crowd in the Stadium and the ones where you were. In all honesty though, he would have said the exact same thing about you.

"A curious fan has asked: Do you sing in the shower?" You didn't think for long and answered it with a brief nod.

"I do sing in the shower, Kabu says it sounds good but I think he may just be losing hearing." Once again, the crowd laughed. "Who knows though, only he has ever heard me sing and no, I'm not singing!"

"You and Kabu live together as you've implied multiple times, has there been any mishaps in the kitchen by one of you?" You pondered on this question for a few seconds.

"Not yet, Kabu is a pretty good cook and surprisingly good baker!" You tried to think of an incident once again but nothing came to mind as of now.

"Have you used the 'Is your Dad a baker' pick up line on him yet?" You chuckled at the question and so did the crowd. You covered half your face as you nodded, confirming that you have used a pick up line on him. "I didn't expect that! How'd that go?"

"He still has no idea what I meant by the line and I suppose now is a good time to get it out in the open." It took you a moment or two to compose yourself. "When I said you had a nice set of buns, I was talking about your butt, Kabu!"

He was sitting in the middle of his Stadium, on the ground and when you said that, he fell back laughing much more than he usually would allow himself to in front of a crowd. He should have known that's what you meant then, all he wished to say in response was that he felt the same way. He knows you would have playfully hit him on the arm or something and thank him for the compliment.

A few more questions passed until it was getting close to the countdown. There was an ad break a few minutes before it started. You didn't want to be here, your heart was telling you to leave, take a flying taxi, find Kabu, find home, and be where you know you want to be. You slowly got up from the waiting area, ignoring the calling security, interviewer, and anyone else you just left.

Ten.

You ran, forgetting you had a flying taxi even though you thought about it moments ago. You only had one thing on your mind and that was reaching Kabu before the countdown was over. You ran, your legs wanting to stop but you wouldn't allow it, your lungs trying to take in all the cold air, and the fancy shoes on your feet making it even more difficult. You stopped and took them off, hastily picking them up then running again. No rock on the ground was stopping you from being where you wanted to be tonight.

Nine.

When the show came back on, you weren't there and he was confused. Apparently you had left abruptly, this caused him to worry and tried getting a hold of you through a text then called you.

Eight.

Kabu didn't know you ran off, leaving your items behind with only one goal in mind. His destination was within your line of sight and it made you push forward much faster, pushing your legs harder to make it before the time ran out.

Seven.

He wanted to be able to at least to see you through the screen as the countdown started. Where did you go? Why did you leave? Were you even okay? Now all he could think about was your well-being.

Six.

You were jogging past the hair salon, the many small stores on the sides, some which had people. People watching the Champion run to the elevator that would take you to Motostoke Stadium.

Five.

No one asked questions as you walked in, your legs almost wanting to give in. You continued, waving off others that wanted to help you walk towards the doors to the Stadium itself.

Four.

You stood in the tunnel for a couple of seconds, your eyes searching for Kabu. He who was watching the screen, hoping for your appearance or any news on your location.

Three.

The crowd spotted you first, the loud cheers startling Kabu as his eyes met yours when he turned his head in your direction. He never felt more relieved to see you there, why you had disappeared made much more sense to a lot people now that you were here.

Two.

With all the strength you could muster in your legs, you practically limped forward. Absolutely tired by the run and feeling like a whole idiot for not using a taxi when you could have at any point on your way here. He saw you panting, no shoes on your feet, you looked like quite the beautiful mess.

One.

No words are exchanged as you throw your arms around his neck, holding him in a tight embrace before your lips passionately meet his. He was slightly taken aback by the roughness of the kiss, you had his body right against yours, and a hand clutching the hair on the back his head. How long had it been since he has had something like this? He had forgotten how amazing this physical contact could feel and experiencing this made him feel as if it was a first kiss. Then the clock strikes twelve, your hold on him loosens, and its just you and him.

Your forehead was on his, you two were sharing breaths because of how long and sudden it was. Embarrassment hit you randomly when you realized there was a crowd, you left an interview, and Kabu was probably staring at you while you didn't dare open your eyes. Not until you could look at him and say something that didn't sound like you didn't know how to form sentences.

You could hear the crowd now, the whistling, the clapping, the stomping of their feet, any form of cheering the could make they did it.

"Another year of you and me," He said. "I am looking forward to another one." He gave you one chaste kiss for his own pleasure and you smiled.

"I look forward to another one too."

#request #happy new year #!!#kabu swsh #swsh kabu #pokemon kabu #kabu #kabu is all i need lmao #kabu pokemon #pokemon sword and shield #pokemon shield #pokemon sword #pokemon #sword and shield #swsh #pokemon swsh #drabble #oneshot

51 notes · View notes

someone-always-cares · 4 years

Photo

[image description: a q&a for the webcomic someone always cares. full desc under the cut because its long and wordy sorry]

post chapter 3 Q&A

first - previous - next

thanks for yalls questions!! it was fun to answer! if anyone still has questions feel free to ask whenever i am always 100% down to ramble. even if i did go slightly off topic in some answers

additional: went off topic with the hair question a bit. their bright hair is all part of the transformations. regular hair dye does exist though. best way to tell is that if the eyebrow matches the hair its probably not dyed. also, quartz’s hair is naturally ginger.

also for more on ages, check out the character bios here

also was gonna keep this in the tags but thought i might as well actually try to answer it: the question i found it hardest to answer was someone the song one. my taste in music is. a mess really. ive been listening to like the same 5 songs on repeat all day. more under the cut because i was rambling again and now its uhhh half 1am

if it helps at the time of answering that specific question i had home by cavetown on repeat, and that song reminds me of both rami and lewis. but that may be because i project onto those two a lot, and as a aro trans dude. who sucks with people skills, yeah of course i love that song.

specifically the vibes of like not knowing how to communicate (rami is fine with his friends but other people are different), the lines “ Turn off your porcelain face, I can't really think right now and this place, Has too many colors, enough to drive all of us insane” idk what the porcelain face line is supposed to mean but im picturing it as like. a mask. that you need to take off and stop hiding and rami does tend to hide when hes feeling upset, and the next two lines kinda could tie into that, like the feeling of when youre overwhelemed and just want the world to stop so you just hide somewhere. also the colours could go with chapter 3 with the chromatic abberation.

also the bit with “ my eyes went dark, I don't know where, my pupils are, But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here” just kinda sums up ramis whole hero thing with his powers and all. anyway this has turned into less what songs rami would like and why this particular song reminds me of him and lewis (lewis specifically has the hair cutting/chest hiding, [big transmasc mood], and also messy haired trainwreck who doesnt know who he is yet. also the ghosts bit)

i did end up picking upbeat songs because ramis a dude who like to try and be upbeat even if things arent. even if hes not really feeling it he will pretend to.

[full description: Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: “hi ily!!! do characters like quartz who have colored hair have that naturally or did they dye it?”

“its both natural and not! while most supers can do a magical girl ish transformation, including a change in hair colour, there are some exceptions.”

theres two small full body drawings of rami, one in civilian clothes, one fully transformed.

“if a superhero were to have a biological child, the child will inherit the powers of the parent(s). however, the child will not inherit the full transfromation. they do inherit any physical transformations, but not the outfit.”

theres a drawing of a woman in blue, quartz’s mother, fully transformed, holding her mask in her hand, smiling down at a much younger quartz as a child. hes smiling back up at her with the same blue eyes, pointy ears, and blue hair, but hes still in normal clothes.

“in the case of quartz, both of hisparents had superpowers, and he inherited those powers and the physical transformations.he can also pick and mix whatphysical traits to change.“

next is a headshot of adult quartz, his face split down the middle with one side having hair and eye like his mother, the other like his father. theres a list of traits from each parents, blue hair and eyes and pointy ears from his mum, and purple hair and eyes and pointy teeth from their dad.

“Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: Are all the characters the same age? If not, how old are they? Are they irl friends or just superhero friends?”

theres some headshots of rami and his team lined up with ages labelled: cam is 15, rami himself is 17, lin, mateo, and dante, are all 18, and cap is 20.

“rami and xandra were somewhat friends before she got superpowers, so when, after the incident with her old team, she found rami had developed powers, xandra stuck close to him. their other teamates started off as superhero friends but soon turned into irl friends too”

theres a headshot of lewis and jade. theyre both 17

“when lewis first decided to start being a vigilante,jade quickly found him and decided to help train himand offered to be a mentor of sorts, as they both have similar powers. that quickly derailed.”

“ cinder5555 said to someone-always-cares: How long does it usually take to make a comic page? I'm curious because they're so freaking good that they must take FOREVER”

theres a drawing of myself, a fluffy hair tired bastard in a hoodie, smiling

“Thanks! Ive been doing this shit since like 2017 and i still have no idea how long it takes me. i can get a page done in a day if i have nothing else to do or if its a simple page, but if i have work then maybe 2-3 days? i spend like, most of my free time doing this.“

another drawing of me, now looking frustrated muttering “how the FUCK does time work”

“but i can never do it all on one sitting.i will inevitably get distracted and zone out daydreaming mid drawing so its very hard to get an accurate read on how long it takes. so however long a piece of string is i guess“

the only qustion not from tumblr is a discord message from RuneStone Cabin:

“Q: Can you talk about the incidence of superpowers in this world? Like many people are supers, which powers are more or less common, how long they've been a thing for, stuff like that. Also does Omen know I'd die for them “

theres a drawing of omen pointing at a date circled on a calender marked “decembuary”, theyre saying “i know. i already wrote your death in my calender.”

then a giant wall of text reading: “Supers have only existed for a relativly short time, since the early 1940s. momento mori was the second person to have ever gained powers.

Only a small number of the population are supers! the chances are higher in more populated cities, but unusally london has oneof the higher percentages of supers. while nobody in universe has any idea of the origins of superpowers, it does seem that powers are more likely to occur in people who would actually use their powers.

as for what powers are most common, after making a badly catagorized spreadsheet of every superpowered character ive made for this world (70% of which will probably never even be seen), turns out that elemental powers are the most common. although not all elemental powers manifest as the straight up 'controling this element' as seen in characters like lin or tsunami. for example, iris's powers would fall under shadow elemntal powers, but theyre a lot more weird that just controlling shadows.there are some abilities that have never been seen before,such as ressurection or full on time travel (aka anything that could bring a character back to life), but powers are certainly allowed to toe the line eg healing, powers involving undeath, immortality, pausing or manipulating time.

aside from that, anything goes. you could get plain old superstrength, but you could also get the ability to create dogs with your mind. other not quite rules, more guidelines are that supers are immune to their own powers hurting them (unless they were pushing themselves too hard), although the way the imminuties occur may be inconvinient to the super.

while some powers may be 'more powerful' than others, powers dont really get to be way underpowered or overpowered in comparision to others. sure being able to talk to animals may feel a bit useless compared to someone who can lift 4 tanks at once, but nobodys going to end up with a power like 'can turn into a goose but only once' or 'can grow toenails twice as fast' or 'if i sneeze i can change my hair colour'. at the same time, youre not going to get someone with the power to snap their fingers and level a city, or instantly blow up the moon or whatever.

“Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: I love rami PLEASE tell me his favorite song(s) and why. I will die for you”

a drawing of rami saying out loud “i dont really have any specific favourite song, really? i just listen to whatever sounds catchy and then listen to that on repeat for hours until i hate it. i guess i do like upbeat songs? ones that make you feel happy even if the lyrics are sad”

“ un1c0rnhh said to someone-always-cares: tell me,,, please,, cam,,, are they a cat person or a dog person?? ily"

theres a drawing of cam a metre away from a cat lying down. she has her arm out and is making ‘psspsspss’ noises at it. end id]

FUCK i am so glad i didnt hand write all of that, it would have been a major pain in the ass to write it all and then have to transcribe all that next. but nope i could directly copy paste the asks and word answers. cheers if anyone made it this far down. if anyone wonders why this is uploaded late, you know now.

#sac #someone always cares #sorry to my friends i rambled to about the previosly mentioned attempt at catagorizing powers #i made a fucking spreadsheet and everything #it was awful #also it probably obvious but i still have yet to download the font i use to this computer #did i ever mention what i named the font when i made it #because its called 'dicks out for the void' or something #it was funny back in mid/late 2017 ok

22 notes · View notes

cockbiteproductions · 4 years

Note

you know i'm coming in with the request for Prime Numbers

i have to google if 1 is a prime number or not Every Single Time i think about prime numbers. it is not. maybe i will remember that one day.

this ended up being a bit long so i’ll put it under a readmore.

2: Favorite book?

sorry but i don’t know how to read....... again.... no favorite book. very sorry but all i read is fic. but the most recent book i read was never let me go by kazuo ishiguro which i enjoyed. english class got me reading books man. i’ve read like 5 of these fuckers this semester. one of my favorite fanfics ever is atlas by distractedkat i guess. and swinging pendulum by cywscross but that one is incomplete. i read ghettoside a true story of murder in 11th grade and liked that a lot. again, not a favorite. just a book i enjoyed.

3: Favorite fictional character?

just one? just one??? if it’s just One it’s ahsoka tano...... she man..... just She. close runner up is jared kleinman though tbh. he’s really shot up in the rankings. very different characters but i love them both very much. well the Similarities are the snark / sarcasm. ahsoka is like. role model material. and wife material. and like. unabashedly badass and strong through hardship and brave and just. cool as hell. child me growing up watching tcw was like oh my god i want to be her. jared is more like. oh god i relate to this disaster man.

5: What’s your favorite fictional ship? (Canon or otherwise)

again..... just one? i know ship means like. romantic relationship. but fuck that. my favorite relationship is the weird brother/sister father/daughter relationship anakin skywalker and ahsoka tano have going on. man. just. Them. if i had to pick romantic relationship uh i guess currently it’s evan hansen and jared kleinman. (it’s the tragedy. i’m a fan of unhappy endings ok... the only thing i like more than an unhappy ending is a banger fix it fic. get the Ouch of the unhappy ending in comparison to the happy ending. + time travel so an in canon character Knows about the unhappy ending and gets to experience the good one? good shit.... im on a tangent.)

7: List 3 negative traits you have

- lazy. i do nothing every day all day......

- coward. I Be Scared.

- clingy. still thinking about that time an ex friend said i was too annoying bc i talked to them too much. rip. thanks for being my source of anxiety whenever i think i’m talking to people too much now.

11: How do you decide when it’s time to cut someone out of your life for good?

i just generally lose contact with people. i can only recall ever making a conscious decision to cut someone out of my life a few times ever. once was winter/spring of last year when a friend of mine was a real ass to me. but a lot of the time i intentionally distance myself because of [do my friends hate me or do i just need to go to sleep] and i didn’t go to sleep.

13: What are your favorite lyrics currently?

“cemeteries never do provide the answers of the questions to inside” from velociraptor by joe iconis

“we find the solution to escape our fate. it lies in the equal distribution of our weight.” from last on land by joe iconis.

“i tried to give her something real but all she wanted was a show. and i’m not much of a jester, seems i’m more like a clown. i try, everything and anything to paint my face and blow up a balloon but there was no air left to give. it left me long ago.” from don’t love her anymore by maria wirries.

“you lead with your heart and i’ll lead with my heart (let’s talk it out) and we’ll talk it out, let’s talk it out.” from talk it out by asia kate dillon.

“and it ain’t just about the blood. shout out to the families that’s families cause of love.” from family by roman banks.

17: If you could make a wish, what would you wish for if you knew it would come true?

what a question........ i’d like a donut right now. i have donuts and they’re in the kitchen but i am sitting on the couch and don’t feel like moving. so a donut in my hand right now. that’d be nice. or i’d wish for this couch to be more comfy. oh wait. i’d like to wish for pandemic over.

19: How do you handle heartbreak? Is it something that’s easy for you to get over, or something you struggle with?

don’t have to deal with heartbreak if you never heart broken in the first place [rollsafe.jpg]. uh but for real, really badly. i just don’t deal with it for months at a time and then end up crying for like a solid 2-3 hours straight when i finally think about it a bit too much. and then repeat. and then eventually i get over it. it works pretty well except for the times where i am crying for 2-3 hrs at a time.

27: What helps you realize that you have a crush on someone?

misread this question as “what helps you when you realize you have a crush on someone” and was quite confused for a moment. uh i would like to think i am pretty self aware, so i realize it pretty quickly. but it basically boils down to I Actively Look Forward to talking to them. which also applies to like friends though. idk man i crush on a lot of people for like 10 minutes and then get over it just as quickly. i guess the difference between the 10 minute crushes and the people who fuck me up is like. my time investment in this person. how often i spend thinking about them when i am not interacting with them + how much i interact with them. oH no i realized after typing all this that 3*9 is 27 oops. oh well you get an extra answer.

29: Do you think zodiac signs can influence someone’s personality to an extent?

only if they let it. if the person thinks its important and spends a fair amount of time learning about it then they’ll probably internalize some of it. i mean it’s like that thing about names influencing the kind of person people become except names are things everyone pays attention to and is actually relevant.

31: What does ‘self care’ look like for you?

sleeping in or taking a nap. which i do. a lot. and should do now. it’s 1:30 am. i just love being unconscious. no thoughts head empty time. temporary death. no dealing with anything. blanket soft.

37: Have you ever been surprised by someone staying in your life?

no not really. i have to have expectations that are differed from to be surprised. my lack of like. awareness about my place in people’s lives means i don’t really expect people to stick around or plan for that. which sounds sad but it’s just not something i really think about. really it’s that expectation bit. i don’t think about it so i don’t have any expectations so i’m not surprised.

41: How do you show you care?

caring about people is for losers. insert sunglasses face emoji. uh generally just telling someone about [something that reminded me of them] or sending someone something i think they’d appreciate like a song or meme or whatever.

43: Which of the seven deadly sins do you feel represents you the most?

sloth. im a lazy fucker. if i could not do anything forever i might. or maybe gluttony but not for food. for like. things that make me happy. overindulgence in media when i should be doing other things. i have no self control. see below.

47: What are you passionate about?

very generally, fiction. the amount of time i invest in thinking about or consuming [fiction, fan generated or otherwise] is honestly ridiculous. stories are just cool man. escapism babey!

#not rt #teresa answers stuff #thank u !!!!#nothingunrealistic1

1 note · View note

peterporkerpeter · 6 years

Text

Code Red P.VII [Peter Parker x Avenger!Reader]

SUMMARY: When the Avengers are given the mission to acquire a deadly weapon in the possession of a suspicious professor, Y/N must attend a gala in order to charm the professor’s quite dangerous son. Her date to the gala? None other than her crush: Peter Parker himself. That’s bound to make for an interesting evening

CONTAINS: mention of sexual harrassment (for like only a hot sec), blood, swearing, ANGST, FLUFF, peter parker crying oof

WC: 4.000

A/N: i’m so proud of this chapter, it is my favorite one yet and i really hope that you guys like this one. i was listening to some good tunes when i was writing and it got me really in the zone lol. this chapter is extra long bc i was feeling like a generous bitch so i hope yall like it. im literally screaming. hope you have a great day/night! :) Also, some people have mentioned that the tag list isn’t working for them! I’m so sorry about that, and if i’m being honest i have no idea how to fix it lol

| ONE | TWO | THREE | FOUR | FIVE | SIX | EIGHT |

Y/N SLAMMED HER DOOR shut, violently throwing her heels onto the mattress. There were several things she needed to do, the first being to find a new, fresh pair of clothes to change into. Breathing heavily, Y/N shimmied out of her red dress, now stained with dark crimson splotches. She ferreted through her closet, ignoring the bursts of pain from her worn wrists.

She settled on a comfortable cream sweater and a pair of gray sweat pants, feeling better already. She rolled up the sleeves and headed for the bathroom, where she dunked her head down towards the sink, flipping on the faucet. It took a century and a half to get majority of the makeup off her face without irritating her fresh wounds too badly, the water turning a mixture of red, black, and brown.

Y/N patted her face dry, relieved that her skin could finally breathe. The cuts still stung like a bitch, but she couldn't care less. She was home in her room, clothed in something comfortable and no longer in imminent danger for the rest of the night. It was a breath of fresh air to her, not just her skin.

She tried not to think about the way she had treated her team earlier. She knew she was acting mean and impulsive, but the words kept spilling out of her mouth before she could stop them. She just couldn't bare standing in that living room after brushing close with death a handful of times. And her head—God, her head. It would not stop pounding, like someone was driving an ice pick straight into her skull.

The mere thought of Axel's face caused a tremor to spike in her heart. She glanced in the mirror, eyeing the injuries he'd given her as some sick present. The coldness in his eyes still left her afraid. She felt like an idiot, too. She knew something was off, but she still insisted with continuing with the mission regardless of her countering intuition. In some twisted way, she felt like part of it was her own fault. Maybe that's why she acted out—because she was ashamed.

She felt a chill run down her spine, Axel's ghosting touch still grazing along her leg, his hot breath nipping at her ear. It felt like he was on top of her, smothering he beneath him until she couldn't breath. She felt like she was drowning. She didn't want to think of what else a sadistic asshole like him was capable of. She just hoped her team would deal with him.

Warm tears poured down her cheeks, and she buried her face in her hands, wishing she could just stop thinking for a minute.

Y/N swallowed, shaking her head. She sniffled, then started to tend to her wounds.

THE TEAM ARRIVED HOME fourty-five later, completely drained and exhausted from the demanding evening. It didn't take long for Fury to send in a clean up crew and detain Axel. His father still remained in the wind, but there was no knowing if he was going to be charged for anything or not—at least not by S.H.I.E.L.D. considering the weapon was nowhere to be found. Peter had managed to create a pretty accurate cover story for the gem, not wanting Y/N to get punished for dealing with it on her own accord. He trusted that she knew what she was doing, and he would ask her about it later, just not when she was so vulnerable and upset.

Everyone was concerned for Y/N. She hadn't sent a message or any word at all regarding whether or not she was doing all right. Then again, they didn't really expect to hear from her. They knew she was in a quite sensitive state of mind, and they understood. They've all been where she is at some point in their lives. Pain was inevitable. Only time could tell when Y/N would finally realize that.

"Can we not come in tomorrow?" Clint grumbled rhetorically.

"Is Y/N asleep?" Wanda asked. "Someone needs to make sure she's patched up after the beating she took. And we need to make sure those wrists aren't infected."

"I got it," Peter muttered.

"The other guy looked worse," Natasha grinned sheepishly. "That broken coffee table in there? She slammed him down on top of it with her hands tied. She is a badass, and she'll get through this."

"She shouldn't have to," Tony murmured. His guilty conscience continued to give him a difficult time throughout the night. He knew he wouldn't sleep tonight—not with where his thoughts were. Not with the image of her wrists rubbed raw and bleeding engraved in his mind like a tattoo.

Tony turned towards Peter, whose eyes were beginning to droop. The poor kid looked utterly broken down, but he pushed through. All he wanted to do was see Y/N. The older man clasped a hand on his trainee's shoulder. "You did good today, kiddo. Honestly, the teens saved the whole day with this one. You both kicked some major ass. Props to you."

Peter shrugged, fingers tightening around the bag of Chick-Fil-A absentmindedly dangling from his grip. "Doesn't matter. Thanks, but . . . it doesn't matter. I-I don't know why she was so upset with you guys, if anything when I got there she just seemed sad—"

"And that's a normal response to a traumatizing situation," Natasha shook her head. "It's expected to lash out, especially out of shame or embarrassment. And she's still just a kid, Peter. She didn't have her powers, just what she knew from what we taught her. She was scared."

"She will come around tomorrow," Steve added. "Let her rest. Let her eat. It's best to leave her be. Someone will go in and check out her—"

"I can," Peter interjected. "She'll talk to me."

The elevator dinged, the doors sliding open to reveal the living room of the main floor. The kitchen was untouched, the cold granite countertops wiped clean the precise way they were before the team dispatched. Darkness embodied the room, silence enveloping the homey premises. Peter noticed the familiar outline of a girl standing outside on the balcony, her elbows resting upon the cement wall, eyes looking out amongst the humming city illuminated below.

"There she is," Wanda smiled fondly.

Peter's eyes softened, sparkling faintly in the darkness. A familiar warmth ignited within his chest, his lips parting slightly, curving up to form the faintest smile. It was soft like stardust. He was awestricken and intrigued and nervous. He noticed she was wearing a casual sweater and sweatpants, and she looked just as beautiful as she did earlier in her long, silk gown.

Y/N was nonchalantly manipulating a glowing line of orange tinted energy, watching cathartically as the color twisted to follow the smooth, fluid movements of her fingertips. She seemed at ease for the first time this evening since her and Peter shared their dance; he would give anything just to have her that close to him again.

He could still vaguely feel her lips pressed against his. He remembered the warmth that had curled around him like a cozy blanket afterward. The brokenness in her eyes when he last saw her hurt him more than he anticipated it would. He never wanted to see her like that again—bleeding, crying, fighting for her life. Never. He would do anything to protect her, even if that meant his own demise in the process.

Y/N glanced over her shoulder, exhausted eyes falling upon the crowd of people pouring in from the elevator. Her team looked entirely worn out from the intense mission, their bodies hunched and feet dragging wherever they wandered. Clint caught her gaze, the smallest of smiles creeping onto his face. He raised his hand into the air, offering the girl a wave. Y/N waved back with pursed lips and glittering eyes, then turned back around to face the open.

It was always a miraculous sight—the city. In the morning it was buzzing with light and intensity. Sunlight bored down on the cracked streets, cars lulling through frustrating traffic, people honking at their neighbors. The hues were of red and gray variety, shades of beige and powder blue adorning the graffitied walls and painted freight trains. Time was consistent during the day. It was never ending. It went on forever, and so did the people living within it. They got up at the same time every morning and hustled to work, took their lunch break at the bodega or crammed in their office, then went home and repeated the same damn routine all over again the very next day.

And then there was the nighttime, when blackness ascended over the city, and the tangerine sun slipped beneath the horizon. At night the city came alive. It was unpredictable and adventurous. You never knew what the city would do when the lights went out in the sky. Overbearing neon shades illuminated the large, glowing signs of theaters and cinemas, hotels and twenty-four hour diners. The streets were clearer, still littered with cars full of tired adults, hoping to get home to their beds for a few hours of sleep before they had to awake early the following morning.

Y/N could see herself in the city at nighttime, waltzing into unprecedented territories with nothing but a high adrenaline and a desire to see beyond vibrancy of its core.

But it was the transition from day to night that really got her—the part of the day when the stars were hardly out and the sun still managed to remain a glowing orb of glistening orange light in the sky. The stars were distant, like they were gently dusted across a canvas of baby blue, powdered on by a paintbrush like a Monet. There was so much going on in this hour, but the transition made so much sense to her. The more she watched and scrutinized the switch, the more she understood how much night and day were alike. As quickly as time moved during this period, it slowed. Time stopped here. Right on the skyline, the moment always stretching out to form a thousand more.

"Hey," Peter's voice broke her from the impenetrable wall of thoughts towering in her head. "I uh, I brought you food."

Y/N turned to face her friend, ignited eyes falling onto the bag of Chick-Fil-A dangling by his leg. A soft chuckle emitted from her scratchy throat.

"Thanks," the girl whispered. She grabbed the bag from his hands and set it on the nearby table. "How's the team?"

"Worried about you," Peter replied honestly. "And I am too."

"I'm just trying to not think about it at the moment. I've been trying to clear my mind," Y/N sighed. "I kicked that guy's ass, didn't I? Stupid Axel fucking Klein. Lucky you came when you did. I would've managed to kill him someway."

Peter shook his head. "No, you wouldn't have."

She cocked her head, furrowing her brows. "Yeah, you're right, I wouldn't have. But I wish I could. I wish I could kill him." A pause followed. The tension between them was thick—thicker than it ever had been before. She could taste it on her tongue. "So, what? The team send you out here because they know I'm a softy for you?"

Peter shrugged. "I-I volunteered. Tony bought the food, but I . . . I wanted to see you. I needed to."

Y/N stared into his eyes for a moment. They were soft and gentle, glistening like fragments of crystals. He somehow reminded her of the soft strum of an acoustic guitar. She found herself reaching forward for him, wanting to touch him during a circumstance that wasn't as vile and as graphic as the last. She wanted to touch him when she wasn't just about to immerse herself into a dangerous mission. She wanted to touch him when they were alone together with the unpredictable, haphazard rosy aura of the city during night.

"Peter," she whispered. She loved his name so much. She loved saying it. She loved hearing it. She loved hearing Peter.

Her hand caressed his jaw, the pad of her thumb gently grazing across the irritated cut on his cheekbone like the leaf of a swaying plant. She heard him release a shallow breath, his eyes flickering between the fragile placement of her hand and the bandages looped tightly around her damaged wrists.

"I thought I was going to die tonight," Y/N drew her hand away, feeling colder. Peter felt the same way. Peter always felt the same way. "I thought I was going to die in the hands of that . . . psychopath. You should've see the look on his face when he caught me in the car with his hands all over me. He looked so smug, so—"

"His hands were what?" Peter interrupted, anger flaring in his stomach. He ran his tongue along his bottom lip, red pooling in his eyes. He hated the guy. He hated him with every fiber in his body, and he wished he'd done a lot more to him than punch him a mere few times. No, he should've throttled him. He should've made him suffer longer, just the same way he did to Y/N. He should've—

"Peter," Y/N could sense his rage. She reached out to touch his hand, hoping to soothe the whirlwind of impulsive thoughts plaguing his mind. "He didn't do anything else. Not anything like you're thinking. He just had to get close so he could sedate me."

"I'm sorry. I-I wish I could've done more, Y/N, I—"

Peter's heart was racing. It was driving him insane, he had to tell her that he loved her. He couldn't wait any longer. He couldn't keep holding off for the right time—there was never a right time in the world to tell someone that you loved them, at least not in his world. In his world, death followed like a shadow with every risky move you made. In his world, witches were real and there was a living, breathing one standing right in front of him. There was never a right time for anything when he was Spider-Man, and there was never a right time for anything when he was Peter Parker because time always seemed to fade more quickly than it came.

Was now a right time to tell her? On the balcony of a tower overlooking the prospering, stagnant city below, right after her run in with death at the hands of some lunatic? He didn't want to take advantage of her, and he didn't want to scare her away. He would have to wait another day. He'd have to wait for the sun come up, then go back down again. Another day, another time, until finally it was the right time. Until finally he no longer had to wait.

"Peter, what are you thinking?" Y/N questioned.

"I-I—" the words were fading from his tongue. It was never the right time. "I don't . . . know."

Y/N tilted her head, perplexed by Peter's odd behavior. It wasn't like the boy didn't normally act odd, but now he was acting strange. He wasn't looking at her like a crippled, wounded animal or a damsel in distress desperate for a strong rescuer. He was just looking. His eyes were glazing over, but she didn't know with what. Was he sad? Angry? Frustrated with her? Tears leaked from his melancholy brown irises, slipping down his flushed cheeks. They glimmered like scattered fragments of moonlights.

"Peter, what's wrong?" she asked, her tone urgent and thick with worry. Her hands quickly moved to grab his arms, grounding him, letting him know she was there with him—as she would always be.

She waited patiently for him to respond, his sniffles filling the air. Peter didn't know why he was crying; he felt like complete idiot for doing so, but he just couldn't stop himself. The tears kept falling, streaming down his skin until they dropped from the bottom of his chin onto the ground. All he had to do was just feel her touching him, and suddenly he was an emotional kid. He wasn't Spider-Man or an Avenger. He was just Peter Parker. And Peter Parker had lost so much that the mere thought of losing someone else so important to him—he couldn't bare it. Not on top of the countless years of repressed pain and emotional baggage still anchored deep within his roots. Then to come too close to losing Y/N tonight . . . It was all too much to handle.

"Hey, Pete. You're okay. We're okay," Y/N's voice was soft like silk. Her hands ran soothingly up and down the length of his arms, almost as if she was warming him up after a long snowy day. "Talk to me, Pete."

"I-I just—I almost lost you tonight," he professed, and the words began to tumble out at the same rate as his tears. "And when I saw you in there, I just couldn't stop thinking . . . about what I would do if you . . . I just couldn't stop thinking. And-and thinking and thinking. And then I knew right then and there that I would never let myself lose you ever because I need you, Y/N. I need you more than anything."

Y/N's face melted, her eyes shimmering at his trembling words. They fell so seamlessly from his lips. Her stomach churned, empathy burning bright within her core. She felt the same way. She felt the same way about Peter Parker as he did her, and she felt the same way yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. She always felt the same way. She always would.

"I need you too, Peter," Y/N assured him strongly.

She grabbed his face, pulling him down so she could press her lips firmly against his damp cheeks. She peppered them along his skin, electrifying him with every touch, anchoring him further and further towards the ground, onto the winding road leading towards the glamorous city buoyant with tranquil life. She held him tight, and she would never let him go. Not now, not ever.

"No, Y/N! You don't get it!" he sobbed, pulling away. "You don't understand why I need you!"

"Then just tell me! Peter, tell me. Why do you need me?" Y/N cried.

"I-I'm in love with you," he proclaimed, standing in a pool of his tears. "I'm in love with you, and I almost couldn't save you."

Y/N was rendered utterly and profoundly speechless by Peter Parker.

The nighttime is unpredictable.

"W-what happens when I can't save you anymore?" he whispered, like if he spoke those words they would magically come true. Almost like a spell.

Her forehead wrinkled, desperation contorted onto her features. She didn't really care about what the city would feel like during the nighttime anymore, not when the transition of day to night was still fresh in her bones. Not when Peter Parker was telling her he was in love with her. He wasn't infatuated. He was in love. And that felt like time wrapped up in a perfect little bow.

Y/N placed her palm against his chest, feeling the rapid pace of his beating heart. She ran her hand up the back of his neck, Peter's eyes shining with her every liquid-like movement. He let his lids drop, wet lashes gluing together. She closed her eyes, gently pushing his neck down for his lips to meet hers. Time stops here. Her lips ghosted over his, her breaths quick and hot. Falling in love with Peter felt so painless, but suddenly she felt like she was on fire. Everything felt too real, too raw. Love seemed to operate quite frequently in the gray area of life.

"But you did. You can't think about the 'what-if's, Peter. There's always going to be 'what-if's." She whispered against his mouth.

Y/N closed the gap between their lips, the kiss soft and slow, her breath hitching dead in her throat. She couldn't grasp a hold on any of her thoughts as Peter gently reciprocated the kiss. She no longer felt any pain. She should've told Peter she loved him long before tonight. She should've told him she loved him before they left for the mission. She should've, but it just didn't feel like the right time. When did it ever feel like the right time? Time was more unpredictable than the city.

The kiss grew deeper, Peter's hand trailing up her body to hold her face delicately his calloused palm. He could feel her hands shaking like leaves on the back of his neck, her pants growing hasty as their lips entwined and tangled together. He could taste her so clearly now—something minty and reminiscent of cherries. It soon became his favorite flavor.

She pulled away, eyes still closed. She savored the moment for all of its worth. "Peter . . ." swift drawls of breath, "I love you too."

Relief and happiness fell from his lips in the form of unearthly laughter. A smile brighter than any sun or any hue covered both their faces before their lips collided once again. Peter's hands gently stroked down the length of her hair, taming the frizzy strands and smoothening the tousled pieces. Fits of laughter were muffled by the showering of intimate, fervent kisses. Peter basked blissfully in her ethereal beauty and slipped into a state of tranquility, knowing for certain that he did save Y/N, and she was here in front of him. Now. And it was the right time. He dropped his hands to her waist, allowing her to caress his angular jaw, her thumbs pressing affectionately into his cheekbones. The tears once wet on his face dried beneath the gasps of hot breath, and everything in the world seemed to succumb to the tenderness of their love for each other.

And even the city, as rambunctious as it was during the day, and as somberly alive as it was in the dead of night, seemed to sink into the earth, leaving time behind. Because when there was no time, there was no need to wait for the right moment. Not when the right moment could be every single one in a thousand.

Clint found himself walking across the living room at such a prime time. Somehow, he was always the one to walk in on Peter and Y/N, but this time, he did not interfere. He merely looked for a moment with a smile tugging at his lips, then proceeded towards the kitchen to fix himself a cup of coffee.

Tony soon joined him, hoping to find some leftover pizza crammed in the refrigerator. After all, he was going to be up all night—might as well not work on an empty stomach.

At first, he walked straight past the window, eyes casually glazing over the two figures passionately kissing on the balcony behind the sliding glass doors. As soon as the man hit the fridge, he had to backtrack, mentally rewinding what he actually saw. He relapsed his steps, Clint nonchalantly sipping on his mug, checking to see if the sugar-cream ratio sufficed.

"What?" That was the only word Tony could seem to coherently speak for the moment. He tilted his head to the side, pinching his eyes shut before reopening them again. Definitely not dreaming. "A-are they—?"

"Yep," Clint replied, pleased with his hot drink. He walked around the counter to join Tony staring at the balcony from the island.

"On the—?"

"Yep."

"Should I—?"

"Nope."

"Gross."

MASTERLIST.

TAG LIST: @reallyconfusednowpt2 @-thatgirloverthere- @mca-attack21 @high-functioning-fangirl02 @dragonfly-flowerbeds @zzeacat @maggieand-theferociousbeast @reanethefirst @shamelessbookaddict @southsidesserpent @enchantedrhoses @alienadvocate @bethanythebold @yuckybucky @uwu-sebastianstan @qwerty28392 @phanficblr @flopmalum @kinghiggins @sugarsweetkiss @light-up-shawn @dontfollowmegoaway @sheismental @toodeeptowake @yllwtaxi @lady-loki-l @printedpeterparker @yourwonderbelle @fandom-fangirl07 @toxicstress @rizamendoza808 @brokenobserver @katielbowen @lovable-hermonica @chaarrlieeeeee @eli-cya @peterfuckingbenjaminparker @sleepyreddie @sarahshersh @loricwizardbluetoastedcake @darling-parker @dat-one-goat @lovenderrose

#peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker blurb #peter parker one shot #peter parker fic #peter parker series #peter parker x reader #peter parker x fem!reader #peter parker x avenger!reader #spiderman #spider man: homecoming #spiderman x reader #tom holland #tom holland x reader #avengers x reader #avengers #peter parker masterlist

661 notes · View notes

tumblunni · 5 years

Text

Misc thoughts of rambling development for my new yokai watch ocs family of hugs and sadness (blythe the Dimmy and amber the Gorgeous Ambassador)

* Amber was totally still Gorgeous Ambassador at heart even back when he was human. I feel like he probably dressed very plain and was very self concious for a long time, as well as also being poor as dirt so it wasnt really easy to be super fashion time. Perhaps the only way he was really able to be remotely flambouyant or pretty was just having a long ponytail that he was very proud of. It would have been easier to maintain a shorter hairstyle when you're struggling to even find somethibg to eat each day let alone a bath, but it just helped him hold on to a tiny bit of confidence. Even when he reincarnated as Gorgeous Ambassador he was still unconfident for a long time and it took all these centuries to fully embrace The Power Of Gorgeous. He was probably really shocked when he got his medal registered and heard his new yokai name, like uhh excuse me "must beautiful man who spreads beauty through the world with his smile" are you sure there hasnt been a mixup??? And nowadays he's become so happy with himself that he maybe dresses a little bit gaudy sometimes, but if you saw how he used to feel then you'd absolutely be cheering for him!

* he was probably worried that Blythe wouldn't recognise him when he finally managed to reunite with them, but i think the lil shadow ghost instantly knew it was their brother and ran straight into the biggest hug ever. "Im worried they'll think im all cringe and gaudy" NO UR LIL SIB IS IN AWE OF YOUR FASHION POWER AND HAPPY FOR YOUR CONFIDENCE

* I also think Amber would absolutely be proud of how much confidence Blythe has gained through travelling with the protagonist and co. Like "aaa the last time i saw you you were so tiny and shy!" "Yes, now i'm tall and shy!" "NUUUU STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN"

* basically they are absolutely Shyness Fam, and Amber just approaches his anxieties differently with over-the-top fake boasting about his greatness instead of being honest about how bad he feels. So thats why itd be so heartwarming to see him genuinely making progress and genuinely seeing good parts of himself. ALL THANKS TO THE INTERNATIONAL GORGEOUSNESS ASSOCIATION OF THE AFTERLIFE, YES *cheesy makeover ads fly by in the background*

* Dimmy's fave food is rice balls not just cos ninja monster = rice balls, but cos for Blythe specifically it brings back happy memories of backstory ninja Amber in ye olden days packing lunches of love for his tiny friend. He was always broke in between finding bountys to hunt, so he was never able to cook anything too fancy, but those simple meals became associated with childhood in Blythe's heart. All the times this big strong human swordsman would have a moment of gentleness and offer his last bit of food to a useless little yokai like them. ("No!! You're a valued part of the team!! And growing children need this more than i do!! Besides, i'm so tough i don't need to eat." *stands up for a minute and blacks out*)

* Since this backstory took place before thee yokai watch was invented, you cant technically say Amber was Blythe's previous watchholder but like.. He totally was? Same formula of being a human you partner with and then go around fighting/befriending other yokai. I like to think that maybe before yokai medals became the latest trend and they set up the whole official regulated medal registration process, yokai would still give their human friends some sort of token of their friendship but it was just less organised. Like imbuing their soul energy into all sorts of shit like This Leaf I Found or One Shoe. Which could be used in the same way to summon them but obv was less conveinient, haha! I'm thinking maybe Blythe's bond object was just a neat rock, cos they were so young and didnt really own anything else to gift to this human. Like all they had was the coal from the hearth in the house they used to haunt, but thatd be too crumbly so they dug through to find the sturdiest and prettiest rock and Amber was like straigjt up crying from how touched this whole thing made him. I WILL TREASURE THIS PEBBLE MY TINY MONSTER CHILD...

* oh but just to rub salt in the wound i think he couldnt find it again when he woke up floating over his own burned corpse in the wreckage of his final fateful battle. There uhh..wasnt much of himself left, let alone anything he was holding. Itd kinda have to be that way cos if it worked like a yokai medal itd mean Amber could have instantly reunited with his friend and cut out all of these years of sad backstory, alas

* ok but imagine the cute and sweet emotionalness of then being able to swap medals when they see each other again, and have an actual magical guarantee of never losing their family ever again.

* I feel like Amber only initially agreed to join the Gorgeous Association because he wanted to get a job in the yokai world and save up to buy a decent house and decent level of income so that there would be a hapoy home waiting for his child whenever he finally found them. He didnt really believe that he had the potential to be a fashion icon, he just went along with it as an employment opportunity in his weird new ghost life. But OH NO, accidental self confidence!! (We are all very proud of him)

* oh and the Gorgeous Association doesnt work 100% identical to the anime version, i just like the anime's general concept. I feel like Gorgeous Ambassador is indeed a yokai species and not just a title, its less 'you were chosen by random lottery' and more 'you were chosen by destiny'...? Shy people who have potential to be fashion icons just tend to end up becoming the shy-people-with-potential-to-become-fashion-icons yokai, aka this. And the Gorgeous Association takes responsibility for finding all new Gorgeouses and training them to use their new powers instead of just staying in their shyness. Its more of a self help club? Oh and also the membership is full of other types of fashion yokai too, its not just Gorgeous Ambassadors. Just its only Gorgeous Ambassadors that get visited by the president as soon as they die and given a special invitation to join. So basically interpreting Gorgeous Ambassador as more 'this yokai is named that cos its powers are about encouraging people to be more confident aka introducing them to the world of fashion'. And less the idea that all Gorgeous Ambassadors used to be a different type of yokai and you can only become one by being picked by the club lottery. And also that its just a costume with no actual powers?? That was funny in the anime but i prefer if they actually could inspirit people and make them more confident and stuff.

* I FEEL LIKE IM EXPLAINING THIS BADLY, SORRY! Ok so uhh like yknow some clubs are all exclusive entry "you are not this thing til you join"? Like you cant be a country club member til you join the country club, and the sense of comeraderie there is just all being rich enough to pay for membership rather than having anything in common. But then there's stuff like lgbt groups or mental health support groups where youre all already the same thing and thats WHY you join the club. Anime version had Gorgeous Association be a country club and Gorgeous Ambassador be just a membership name rather than a real yokai form. Which, again, was really funny but i feel like it only works in a more gag focused series like the anime. Here i'm interpreting it that you can just be born in the species Gorgeous Ambassador, same as any other yokai like jibanyan or whatever, and it actually does have its own special powers and stuff. And its just that the Gorgeous Association sends out invites to any newborn yokai that have fashion related powers. So not all Gorgeous Ambassadors actually join the Gorgeous Association. Oh and Kageusuo is the actual yokai species name for those unaffiliated ones. The anime seemed to say that kageusuo was an unrelated new yokai that isnt in the games, that was just invented to have a form that Gorgeous Ambassador had before he became Gorgeous Ambassador. But i have Other Ideas

* i'll make it a new bullet point cos im getting all disorganized now aaaa

* ok so Kageusuo (or my fanmade eng dub name Shamshade) is Gorgeous Ambassador. Same thing. Same species. Kageusuo is a yokai personifying the idea of a fashionable beautiful person who never reached their potential in life due to social anxiety/bullying. Like an 'ugly duckling' story. Their default form is this shadowy looking depressed dude because their power is that they drain shadows from people, vampire style. This makes you 'less overshadowed", so you become more confident and people notice your unique style! But kageusuo cant use its powers on itself, so a lot of them stay in this shy form forever and just continue repeating the same overshadowed life they have as a human. The fabulous form that Gorgeous Ambassador has in the games is just simply the same yokai dressing differently- a kageusuo that managed to conquer its anxieties from its past life and take steps to embrace its true self! But theyre not actually any different in terms of powers, theyre still shadow vampires and their power to make people fabulous is just them eating your shadow. It was something they could already do before they became fabulous themself, now theyre just confident enough to match their powers, yknow? And also unrelatedly there's a club called Gorgeous Association that this particular kageusuo joined, which personally helped him in his journey of self confidence so he goes by the nickname Gorgeous Ambassador to advertise it. (Which is even more nicknamed into Amber cos he thinks it sounds cute)

* WHY ARE MY HEADCANONS SO OVERCOMPLICATED AAAaa

* anyway just imagine a vampire movie but its a supermodel lurching out of the shadows groaning "I VANT TO SUCK YOUR ANXIETY" and then when he bites you you become more confident. This is a Good Concept so i will somehow find a way to use it, dammit!! *b movie music* "OH NO THE MONSTER GOT TERRY" *terry suddenly wearing applebottom jeans*

* also imagine all of that but also the dude is a weird samurai being all "wow the wonders of the future" about thos applebottom jeans

* why do all my headcanons start as angst and end up as nonsense like this

#bunni plays yokai watch

2 notes · View notes

wannawrite · 6 years

Text

let go, 고맙다 🤙(二)

group: seventeen

member: lee jihoon

genre: angst but more mature

🗻 happy birthday, jihoon! i love you 🗻

_______________________

Jihoon's line from yesterday kept surfacing onto your thoughts as raindrops drummed onto the window of the bus lazily, drowning out the excited chatter of two female students about their idols and what not.

Feeling slightly bored, you peered outside the rain splotched window to distract yourself with the surroundings. The city was dark, still largely shrouded in a big blanket of calmness and stillness. It was currently 6:30AM in the morning, and the small quadrant of a sun peeking out from the building near you seemed to tease you, like "Ha, you can wait forever for me to light up Busan, sucker."

The occasional rattle of the bus whenever it veered up a ramp hammered your head against the window incessantly, which undoubtedly didn't feel very nice, but you really couldn't care less when you had been made to wake up at such an ungodly hour.

If it weren't for Jihoon leaving today, you'd still be in the warm wrap of your thick blue blanket, enjoying a sweet dream of meeting EXO or some shit.

EXO was pretty important to you.

Your mother had figured that Jihoon was more than that.

The white, glaring light stretching across one end of the bus to the other invaded your eyes with stings for swords as you looked away from the window, which was definitely a huge mistake. Eyes narrowing in disdain at the poor structure of the bus, you cursed the architect under your breath.

Freaking Busan and their shitty plane timings, to drag you out of bed at such an hour.

You sighed.

At least the bus was more or less quiet.

On top of that, you had another thing to be way more sad over.

At that thought, you instantly plugged in your earphones to listen to some soothing EXO ballads and tried to zone out.

You were going to save the tears for later.

_____________________

"Gimhae International Airport."

The sound of the announcer served as the loudest alarm ever, causing you to wake up with a jolt as you realised what was happening, and quickly shoved your water bottle into your backpack.

She's Dreaming droned in your ear softly as you ran out of the bus and tapped your card, but you yanked the earpiece out and stuffed it into your wallet.

It seemed to be a habit of yours-being a total mess and forgetting to pack before arriving at your stop.

Jihoon would always nag at you to be more organised, and you'd roll your eyes in annoyance.

Now, you'd do anything, just to be by his side again.

In slight worry of being late, you held your wristwatch to your eyes. It was now 7AM, and the sun had found that you weren't really that exasperated at it anymore, so it had more or less rose into the air in a hot, red-yellow gradient. The darkness was slipping away slowly, and so was the time that you had with Jihoon.

In all its glory the glass surface of the airport stood there beautifully, boasting its lovely white borders and sophisticated, turquoise tinted glass panes. The sun hit them generously, bursting in front of you into a sparkle-seeming to light up your way to the airport, as if it was sorry for its earlier actions.

After a bit of running, you spotted the doors of the airport and ran in, caked with sweat in the cool of the morning. You would have laughed, but you really had more important things to do than make a fool of yourself. The airport's crowd daunted you a little-kids running here and there, playing catch with each other, couples pushing carts of luggages to go on vacation...there was no way you could be able to see a 155cm boy in the midst of all this.

You got out your phone.

You: yo im here already where ya at

Probably the worst thing of it all was that, Jihoon wasn't even online.

You were breaking down inside. With a jumpy heart, your eyes darted around the crowd for a small boy with bangs, and soon, before you knew it, you were calling out his full name, with such gusto and brokenness laced in your shouts.

It was probably stupid of you to do so, considering the amount of Lee Jihoons there could have been in this airport. It would have been funny if a 5 year old boy named Lee Jihoon approached you with small grabby hands. Eyes of the public followed you everywhere you went, staring at you with a judgemental, irritant gaze.

But you'd do anything at that moment, just to see Jihoon for that one last time.

Soon, you were out of breath after shouting for a whole 5 minutes. You were sweating even more before, and your shirt was clinging to your back uncomfortably. Heavy breaths escaped your lips, as you hunched forward to take a short break.

Your fatigue didn't dispel the uneasy feeling in your heart.

You felt your grip loosening in the control of this situation, and you yelled.

Fate was playing its games again.

At least a bit of it went in your favour.

A voice called out to you.

"Silly, I'm here. I heard you call my name so many times."

At the sound of the light, familiar voice cutting into the climax of your worry, you managed a smile as you turned around to face Jihoon.

He stood in front of you, the same old boy with small, neat bangs and miniscule eyes that held the boundlessness of the galaxy. With a shy smile on his face, he took your hand, which was rare-Jihoon didn't really do skinship, but maybe, this was just as exceptional to him as it was to you.

"Do you see anything different about me today?" he asked, with a small blush creeping up onto his face. Inside, you were just as embarrassed as he was-Jihoon was really cute when he was shy, and his petite figure didn't exactly help.

Still, you scanned his face, shirt, nose. At the sight of his quirky features, like his round glasses and small smiles, it seemed to thrust spears into your heart, one by one.

You'd always look at Jihoon, the same old Jihoon, exactly the same as you did yesterday.

But today you realised his personality, that was weird and quirky? Yeah. Cried easily without anyone knowing? Yeah. Was the source of your strength in your darkest times? Yeah.

Could you live without it? No.

"I-I don't find anything..." your voice trailed off sadly, not wanting to cry as badly as you did yesterday as you swallowed down your feelings with a gulp.

Jihoon raised an eyebrow, scanning the expressions on your face-before replying matter of factly, "I have a ponytail today, that's all. Why are you so sad?"

You sighed. It was a stupid reason for being such a wet blanket, but you weren't planning on lying to someone who you loved with all your heart.

"I'll miss all of you, Jihoon. The simple, boyish bangs that tiptoes on your thin eyebrows, seemingly insignificant yet of such importance. Your small eyes, curving into a small oval, that would angle up into two slits as they squint to follow the lyrics spread across the computer. The thin, chapped lips littered with the holes that the winter digs. Your silent, unboasting care for me, that I'll never get again until I don't know how many years later." you ranted on, squeezing Jihoon's hand in yours a little too tight for comfort. "I'm sorry I got so attached to you. I love you so, so so much."

A smile floated onto his face, and Jihoon laughed.

"Am I such a beautiful person to you? I never knew." he responded, with dark red tints blossoming like roses all over the area of his cheekbones. "In all honesty, I don't think I'm very good looking, but you saying that makes me feel like the most beautiful person on earth." Jihoon added with a sheepish chuckle, lips digging out the small dimples in the sides of his face.

You smiled. Jihoon really was so beautiful, inside and out.

But your words said otherwise.

"Bold of you to assume you can beat my visuals, Lee Jihoon." you scoffed, in a faux haughtiness and getting out a good reaction from him, "Your ponytail is cute, but I'm cuter than you'll ever be."

At this, Jihoon burst out into a long fit of laughter, clapping his hands as he always did-it was a cute habit of his.

"Okay, shit, I take that back, you look way cuter than I'll ever be right now." you added on quickly, and both of you exchanged small smiles.

But at last, the moment didn't last long.

"Hey...I kind of have to go now." he said tentatively, lips raising into a boxy, awkward smile, and before you said anything, Jihoon pulled you closer to him, letting your head rest on his shoulder-despite being short for a boy, he was still taller than you by a few cm.

You gently pushed his neck onto your shoulder, and craned over to bury your head further into his neck, just to hide the tears that were already falling down your face.

You were going to remember Lee Jihoon, the boy that had spent a good 7 years of your life with you.

Feelings choked your nose, stinging it painfully, as you heard a few foreign sobs that weren't coming from you. The only liquid on your shirt wasn't just sweat anymore.

Hands on each other's necks, and tears on each other's shirts-it had almost seemed like both of you had become one entity, before leaving for a short while to meet again later on.

As both of you looked at each other's tear stained, snot covered faces in pain, you stuck out your thumb and your pinky, stretching your hand to Jihoon.

"Please, always remember me."

The corner of Jihoon's lips twitched up.

He stretched out his own pinky, and at the same time, both of your pinkies bend to interlock.

"Remember me too, world's number one cutie." he laughed lightly.

Then, before you knew it, his pinky broke away from your grasp, and all that was left of it was a small figure with an even smaller, cute ponytail at his neck area, but really, really big dreams as he walked towards the departure area.

Like cherry blossoms scattered on the floor, you were then, left with all your unforgettable memories with Jihoon.

All but one.

The ponytail disappeared, to reveal a small, smiling face.

He cupped two hands to his lips, and shouted.

"고맙다!"

Subconsciously, his smile formed onto your face.

"지훈이, 고맙다!"

_______________________

#admin n #svt #seventeen #seventeen scenarios #lee jihoon

3 notes · View notes

dear--charlie · 6 years

Text

Dear Charlie,

Hi Charlie

I used to write to you all the time when I was 14 and 15, but then I stopped. I probably got lazy and I also liked seeing what I wrote be published in the days that followed and maybe you got too popular but I no longer saw them, maybe they got lost. Anyway, Im 19 now and little has changed. Looking back is so strange because it feels like there is myself and this sweet little kid who was just so fucked up so early on and I just watch her existence and its so clear no one will be able to ever save her and she may not even have the strength to do so for herself because thus far she hasn’t really changed things that could possibly make a difference. I mean Im out of high school now and have a job so in that sense Im more functioning then the last 6 years but nothing has really changed, its still me and that girl. I have tried hard not to victimize myself in the past few months and think Im doing well but honestly I miss being sad, I miss not feeling anything, I miss feeling everything, I miss being crazy, I miss cutting myself so much. I can’t do any of these things anymore because there seems to be no time for that. Not actual “time” but I can’t afford to keep being depressed because now Im older and if I don’t have some good experience or something good, actually good happen to me then I might lose it completely. I miss being a victim and don’t know how Im supposed to not be one when my life has gone to way it has. I cannot help it. I miss being myself so much. I can’t cut because every things pretty healed up now and I can’t wear long sleeves all the time again but I do miss it so much, Ive cut my leg a few times but its not the same. I don’t care if people think cutting is insane it made me so calm like how being in a still ocean feels. I saw this movie that reminded me of my life, especially when I ws younger today, and then I was listening to some Elliot Smith a little bit ago and now Niravana, all 15 year old me things, or maybe forever me things I guess. Anyway, it reminds me of feeling all the pain. Its so rare I can feel everything the way I used too. Not that I always wanted to feel it, because I certainly tried hard not too and eventually started to exceed more and more. Anyway, I don’t see a therapist anymore because my last two were kind of shitty. I guess Iv done an ok job at distracting myself so far since the summer but its all still coverage and i feel myself cracking a bit. However now that Im not in school it doesn’t have to be a spiral maybe it will just hit all at once. I mean I guess thats how it always is but usually theres more of a build when I was in school. It was easy to tell I was about to lose it because It was a decent amount. I was just thinking how fucking crazy it was I was never in a hospital because I was so so so fucked up sometimes. SO suicidal and impulsive and it truly was just me and I would just stop the bleeding and go on with my day because it was all so normal.I guess a part of me now wishes I had gone to a mental hospital because 1. i needed it very badly but no one was there to say that and 2. back to the victim shit, god I would have eaten that shit up when people found out I was there. It also would have made explaining all this shit (when and if I ever do which is super rare bc who ever wants to here about this shit) a little easier in the sense that everyone takes you more seriously when you say hospital in a sentence. Im sorry this is so long, Im sure I strayed from my original thought. Also I’m really slowly lowering my antidepressant and I doubt that could be why Iv been feeling weird lately and by weird I mean feeling anything at all especially like the way I used too or closer to it at least but I wonder if being without the meds especially the mood stabilizer would make me manic again like right deep were i have been, I mead if the meds are all that make me function that sucks. Id like to feel again, kind of often even the painful stuff because it feels good to know I’m alive. because it feels like i have never been a lot of the time. I miss being me, whatever that was. No one liked that girl anywhow, so i have to be the somewhat funny, reserved, somewhat positive me now, even though thats not me full and will never be. Im not sure, truly honestly not sure if I will ever get over thing things that have happened to me but I guess people don’t and you just keep living, like you said, life doesn’t stop for anyone. I love you Charlie and I miss you.

#dear charlie

9 notes · View notes

the-hyperactive-mind · 7 years

Text

A Letter to My Parents

Dear Parents, I think you both know by now I don’t know how to talk about the things I feel. I never have. You, Ma, know this better than anyone. Maybe its because of my reactive whatever disorder that you told me I have. Maybe its something else I don’t know myself truly why I do this. But what I do know my inability to express my thoughts and feelings regarding my behavior or choice of actions etc. has caused more than a fair share of problems from general concern and great frustration, to questioning if I have any true understanding of feelings or my actions to wondering if I actually feel anything at all. Well, to put it shortly I do feel and feel a hell of a lot more than I could begin to express. And being that I for some reason lack the ability to express myself confidently, sincerely and truthfully in words, I can write. While I know that both of you will probably never read this because I probably won’t show you, I’m thinking maybe this will be a step for me in beginning to force myself to tell you. Also please bare with me as Im sure this will be all over the place but I’m just spit balling everything out. Firstly, I’d like to try and put you at ease by telling you yes I do feel things. I have emotions. Don’t worry I’m not that messed up the head. I happen to feel very deeply to the point it might be unhealthy. I always have. I’m not sure if it is because I’m a thinker or because of the way my brain is wired. When I see someone else hurt, I feel for them even long after I see them. I hate for people to feel sad, I want people to feel happy. It’s been that way as long as I can remember. Maybe this seems hard to believe but its true. This is where the problem sorta comes in. We all know I have my issues. They’ve been with me forever and unfortunately they tend to cause me lots of problems. Before you go thinking that I am gonna blame the way I am on my ADHD I’m not. You know I hate using it as an excuse and never have. Hell, I refused my getting accommodation for years because I wanted to prove I could do things on my own even when it was clearly something I needed. The fact of the matter is that regardless of what I want to believe about myself a lot of myself is dictated by this. My impulsivity, reactiveness, my lack of focus, my hyper-focus, my constant struggle to to get my shit together no matter how hard I try, it will always follow me for as long as I live. I’ve known this forever but never accepted this. There was a period of time when I was much younger when I started to really understand this and I can’t even begin to explain to you how much it bothered me. I didn’t like the struggles I had. I wanted to be “normal” so badly I wished I could do anything to fix myself. Thats when the self loathing and beating myself but really began. I didn’t feel I deserved the love I was given or any good thing that happened to me because something was wrong with me. I wasn’t normal. With every impulsive move i made that caused problems or mistake, regardless of whether it was related to it or not, I took it beyond personally. I hated seeing the damage and frustration my actions caused to those around me as I didn’t want those I loved to suffer because of something I did. Yet, I had no idea how to control it or stop myself. I didn’t know how to cope with these feeling and thus sometimes when I would throw a fit it��d be in frustration with myself. Once I got a little older and understood that I could internalize what I felt, a whole new world opened. Maybe I couldn’t protect those I love from my actions but I could at the very least try and prevent them from worrying further about me from dealing with the way I truly felt. If I never cried no one would worry. I hate making people worry which is ironic because all I do is make people worry. I didn’t feel I deserved anything considering all the mistakes I made. Thats where the whole “shutting down” comes from. I stuck to it for years and got really go about it. But eventually it stopped working. As things got harder, you started to see it. At that point I had become so good as it that I didn’t know how not to do it anymore. I remember being on the couch at Dr.Evers and you asking me to please talk to you. To tell you what I was thinking. Why I did whatever the hell I did. You were practically pleading with me to say something. I was crying because I couldn’t hold it back anymore but I couldn’t speak. I could feel the words on the tip on my tounge. Part of me wanted them to come out but I just could not bring myself. I remember sitting there crying and hearing everything I wanted to say running through my head but couldn’t make my mouth move. We’d be in that position many more times after that just as before. I wanted to change so I did. I got better about talking. Not great but better. I started to open myself up and it was good. It was and still is only about the surface stuff but considering where I was it was a hell of a big improvement. Yet, I was still good at hiding the deeper stuff. Fast forward to Oak Knoll. I hate admitting it because it makes me weak but I have never felt so fucking useless. I was unhappy beyond belief but I remember Abuelita said that I shouldn’t make any trouble for you because you found someone who treasured you, a good man and that I better not try to do anything to ruin it. I mean I wanted to you to be happy. Despite it not sometimes being evident I knew you had been alone and that you did deserve someone who adored you the way you adored Pipsqueak and I. The last thing I wanted was to make you worry but of course in classic fashion I did. Each time you had to go a fight a battle for me. I felt I didn’t deserve any help. I wasn’t worth helping. I wasn’t cut out for any of this. No matter what was a victory, it was overshadowed by the thought that I did it by luck. One step forward, three steps back. I screwed up so much that things I did right would be consumed by past mistakes. Maybe it was better to give up if I couldn’t get anything right anyway. I wouldn’t amount to anything. I wasn’t smart enough, I wasn’t athletic enough, I wasn’t able to be organized enough, I wasn’t outspoken enough, I wasn’t tall enough, I wasn’t clever enough, I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t competitive enough, I wasn’t good enough and never would be. I was tired of feeling inadequate. I didn’t want to be a failure. It was frustrating because I had come this far and for what? To be told I didn’t quite make the mark. Thats when, what I later learned were panic attacks really started. I guess had them in middle school a few times but they were not this bad. It started during tests. I still remember the first time I really got a true one. It was during a math test. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing and felt an unreal amount of pressure because if I didn’t do well it would effect me forever. My heart started to race. I thought I was going to die it was beating so fast. I didn’t know what was happening to me. Everything around me started to melt. It felt like it was the end of the world. Every little sound became so loud it hurt. It got harder to breathe, I felt as if I was choking. I had no idea what was happening. It was so scary. I just got out of there as fast as possible. They started to happen more during school. I got them when I was alone and started to worry about my life and my future. Anytime I got too stressed out about anything or worry I would begin to feel that heaviness in my chest. So instead of asking you for help or want to make you or anyone worry I didn’t say anything. I started to not care about as much as I could in order to not feel stress. Obviously this is a terrible coping method as I neglected anything I felt would cause me too much stress. I’d rather have people think I was lazy then tell anyone what was experiencing. While this method did work it wasn’t perfect. I did that for two years. I cried more during those two years than I had in my entire life I’m pretty sure. I would go to the bathroom at school and cry. I would go to bed crying clinging onto Mocha. I somehow made it though. I was also really good at hiding it. I bet you didn’t know I felt this way during that time or at least to the extent I did. I was good at covering it up. I smiled at all the right times. I laughed. To tell you the truth other then the occasional squabble, I was happy at home. I enjoyed being with the family. I loved being home. Home was safe. There were times thing were good, but there were times things were bad. When I found out I wouldn’t have to go back to that place the panic attacks became almost nonexistent. I found hope that things would change and be good. Fast forward to going to Pomfret. I needed the change of view. Being away from the place I associated bad things with was good. I know you may have different thoughts about it but personally I think this was good. I have never been happier. I know you all could have been happier considering my fall mid term grades and frankly I needed that reality check but God I was happy. I hadn’t had friends in years. I was on my own. I was getting up and doing shit for myself. While there was room for improvement I was doing it. The biggest problem was that coping method I mentioned earlier. Teaching yourself not to care is not a good thing. The environment I was/am in was good. There was no need for that. So basically I had to try and reteach myself not to do that as it was doing more harm then good now. I shouldn’t have taught myself how to do that but I had to deal with that. I still am. I’ve spent this year fighting it. Its gonna be hard. But with this fight I found hope. I was actually excited for applying to college next year. I saw possiblities. I could maybe actually do this. The beginning of spring term i was amped. I had found that spirit that I had lost 3 years ago. The fire was lit and I was amped. I took my meds, I got my work done, I went to class, I did practice, I was doing well. My grades were good. I had a new advisor. You guys were basically out of the loop. All you knew were the things I told you which was fine. No more calls in the middle of the day flipping out at me. You guys were at a distance. It felt good. I felt like I was becoming truly independent. But like I’ve learned when I go a while without messing up, its only a matter of time before I do. And of course it happened. The problem was, I think, that i wasn’t used to doing all of that so on task. It took a lot of effort. It was hard and I think I burned myself out. I got sloppy and with that mistakes happen. Now you all know about the incident with my homework. I’ve screwed up a lot in my life but never badly at school, not this badly. I have also never been so terrified. Things were going to well. Things were looking up and now all that I was working for could come crashing down. The night I went back to my room after finding out. I cried myself to sleep terrified about what would happen.It didn’t feel real. I walked out of that meeting with my advisor and teacher about the situation in tears. I went back to my room and it all came to me at once. I screwed everything I was working toward up. Hell no good college was gonna take someone who had that on their record. And what were you guys gonna say. Everything was going so well. I might have just fucked up my future. I didn’t want to tell you. You and G both are dealing with your own shit. Serious shit. The last thing you needed to deal with was my dumbass that screwed up something so simple. I would tell you once I solved the problem because I didn’t want to worry. I completely skipped lacrosse practice that day and just sat on my floor and cried. That familiar heavy feeling in my chest came back soon after and wouldn’t stop. I felt like I was dying. I thought it would never end. I couldn’t breath. I wanted it to stop. I knew of only one way to make it stop other than wait for it to pass. Pain. One time when it was happening I was tying to crawl to my bed to the bathroom at night. When I went to lean on the bathtub to stand up my hand went straight on a razor that was on the edge of the tub. it was dark so I didn’t see it there but it hurt like hell. I almost scream it hurt so bad. But with that it the panic attack stopped. I needed it to stop this time. I couldn’t and didn’t want to wait for it to end. Theres still two small scars on my wrist from bringing myself back. I have never done that before. I’m not proud of it. I usually would have just let it pass but I was so overwhelmed at that point I couldn’t deal with it. But I felt better once I could breath normally. I just lay in my bed and kept crying and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. Since then the fire I had was gone. I haven’t really been able to get anything together since then. I keep dwelling on past things. Some days are better than others but I can’t find that fire I had before. Everything started to slip, like and ice cream that is melting and I’m desperately trying to hold it together. I know we are at the end of this school year and theres nothing that I can do. I might have just fucked up this year but I learned that in theory I can do it. I just gotta figure out how again. But the answer to your one of your questions earlier ma, am I on drugs? No I am not. The only drug I’m on I’ve been on for years and you’ve called and texted yelling at me to take when I forget. The answer to you other question: “whats wrong with me?”Well to put it frankly, I have no idea. Which is why I wrote this. I don’t really know if this will help. It seems like when I open up about shit like this I get yelled at or you worry about me I fear I might end up in a psych ward. Typically the later but I digress. I really hope you don’t put me on suicide watch or something after you read this, whenever you do. Because that not whats going on here. The self loathing and beating myself up has been going on forever. Its so normal now to me its not that big a deal. I just hope maybe this will give you a little insight to what was going through my head all these years. Theres probably a lot more I could say regarding my feelings but I’m getting tired of typing all this. Anyway I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Clearly, I am a work in progress. I always will be. I don’t deserve how patient and loving you are to me. I love you both so much. And of course Pipsqueak and Mocha and Stumpy and Doggie too. Thank you for reading. <3

-F.

#ADHD #attention deficit hyperactivity #ADD #mental disorder #mental health #mental illness #thehyperactivemind #the hyperactive mind #blog #blogger #text post #confession #disorder

0 notes

jo-sleepycrow · 5 years

Text

me feeling sad and frustrated about something that happened today under the cut, because i need to vent:

so today i went to a thyroid doctor because i need to make a couple of exams to know if i have a problem like my big sis has.

i was a bit nervous because i didn’t know what to expect (and i am an anxious person overall) but i was fine with it mostly. the thing is that my mum decided that she wanted to come inside with me to my consultation, i am twenty btw, even after i told her she didn’t have to. i was a bit fine with it, besides the fact that i was old enough to go on my own and didn’t want to be the adult that still goes to the doctor with a parent, but at least it wasn’t my father the one to go with me.(we are mad at each other right now tbh)

ok so inside the doctors room, she began to ask all sorts of questions about my health and stuff and i thought it was kind of alright (im very awkward but its custom stuff to ask) when she suddenly asked if i was feeling tired lately and i remembered that one of the usual symptoms of a thyroid problem is depression. the thing is that i have had depression since i was 12, at least, (and before that i always was a bit of a sad kid, i think, having no friends really hurt me deep) and my parents always had weird mixed feelings about me and my mental health, always saying that they would do something to help and never end up doing shit, so imagine me, wanting to tell the doctor i have self-diagnosed depression and anxiety but feeling trapped by the presence of my own mother and their (my parents) dismissive attitude towards it. i wanted, and want so bad right now, to cry my eyes out with the need to say that out loud. i ended just saying that i am tired all of the time, which she dismissed by saying that uni is tiring and bla bla bla.

the fact that i never had anyone clinically diagnosing me with depression, plus the never ending dismissal of my parents, made me question my own certainties and ignore my own feelings enough to not mention an important fact about my health.

i just want to cry so badly. it really hurts me to keep this thing inside when it’s something that affects me on a daily basis. it hurts that i can’t talk about this openly to my parents when i struggle every day to get out of bed, because they make promises they will never keep. because they don’t understand that most times i need silence and space to cope with this thing and all they do is yell until i do something or show up in the living room where they will ignore me.

i only had one psychologist in my life, i met him for one hour every week since i was 12/13 for like two or three years and at the time i hadn’t realised how much i hate going, how he didn’t care and just spent the whole hour on his ipad playing games and asking me stupid questions. i didn’t trust him and in consequence i never opened up much when he asked how i was feeling or what had happened to me. to him i was just another kid who had gone through a bad time and thanks to that he could laze around all day at work and gain money without thinking shit. i don’t want that to happen again.

i have been thinking about applying to my university's therapists for awhile now. at first when i mentioned that to my parents they said not, that they wouldn’t be good enough, and that they would find someone better for me (yeah right that didn’t happen either, thanks a lot), but a friend of mine went there and she got better! but every time i think of applying, intrusive thoughts get in my head and i keep thinking that i don’t need, that i am faking or that it isn’t worrying enough, because, ya know, i haven’t tried to hurt myself yet right?! because thinking i it would be better to not exist isn’t an actual suicide attempt... right? for fucks sake, i had a fucking awful breakdown because of some shoes at the end of 2018 that made me want to die, really want to die. i think it was the very first time that i actually wanted to die and didn’t feel much remorse for it. my parents couldn’t understand want i was feeling and only made things worse. like usual. my dad, who is someone that i am sure went through depression at some point in his life, just yelled at me and hurt me and said some really nasty things that will hurt me forever. when someone who was supposed to be always there for me only knows how to scream and threaten when someone is at their lowest point it makes someone really wonder if they are enough, if they are worth to keep living. my relationship with my father never recovered after that time. not that it was the best before, because a person isn’t mean and mad and threatening only once. it’s a non stopping pattern that for as much as they try to make up for it, it will never be enough. fuck that got more deep than i was expecting, but the thing is that i am really thinking about applying for a uni therapist for my last year, as it is free and whatever (oh yeah that’s another problem in my life, my parents live a shitty teacher life and bla bla bla we don’t have much money right now, another thing that always weighed me down mentally, yey!)

in conclusion: i don’t want my mum to go with me again but i am sure that she will want to so there will i be sad and anxious and quiet about my mental health and will do nothing about it! fuck me, right?! who cares?! not me, it seems.

#depression tw #suicide tw #suicidal thoughts tw #anxiety tw #self hate tw #intrusive thoughts tw #sad #about me #i hate my life #i hate my father #daddy issues it seems #sorry #as i am writing these tags my dad is being a dickhead once more to my mum #fuck life #sad me

0 notes

penny-for-your-thoughtsz-blog · 6 years

Text

Penny for Your Thoughts

Chapter one: M E S S: a word to describe my mind. Others use the saying " perfect disaster" but the simple four letter word works just fine for me. It amazes me how many "perfect disasters" I probably encounter on my way to the train. I pass over 300 people a day and I can guarantee not everyone of those suit wearing, business owning humans have all their thoughts perfectly sorted out. I do not understand why people always have to look so put together all the time. I saw a lady have a mental break down at train station today because she was an assistant to a huge CEO and she got him the wrong coffee, but she had the mental break down after she hung up the phone. Whatever, not my job. I do not have a job. My cousin passed away last year and he had a painting in his basement that I found, it was worth five million dollars. So I guess you could say I am an unemployed, messy minded, millionaire . So by this point you are probably wondering why do I go to the train everyday if I do not have a job. I like to ride to the park and go to the museum. Yup, everyday. I would say it clears my mind but honestly I have not had a clear mind since the age of eight. I just like to sit at the park and eat my lucnh while listening to music. After my lunch I go and look at this painting that looks just like my favorite Norman Rockwell painting. After that I go home. I live by myself in an apartment in London. I never was in a serious relationship long enough to have someone move in. My mind was always so overwhelmed I never got around to asking any of my boyfriends if they had wanted to move in. By the time I had really thought about it they would breakup with me because I never thought about the future I only thought about now. I also know that all my relationships, a grand total of two, were never super serious enough to move in. Now here I am single and alone in my apartment. To bad dogs are not aloud or I would have 62. I now have another worry to add to my mess of a mind. I worry I will be alone forever in my apartment. I am only 20 so yeah I got some time ahead of me to get my millionare life sorted out, but my worries get the best of me. I always see couples meeting eachother in the train station. The typical couple that run into eachothers arms and hug eachother for awhile then kiss and talk about how they have missed one another. I feel I will not have that. Sometimes I waist a whole day at the station people watching and it makes me feel this sort of boogled feeling of happy and sad. Again, whatever, back to my life. Chapter two: Today I woke up way later then normal and figured by the time I got up and ready the museum would be to crowded so I decided to just skip it today. I tied up my converse and rode my bike to the train station. It was so silent it was as if everyone got a car today and ditched the train. I sat down and pulled out my book and decided to read. I heard the sound of sneakers squeaky before I saw someone enter. " Do not worry, I just got to class I have a good feeling I will pass this test! call you later," a boy said as he hungup his phone and sat two seats over from me. He dropped his bag and looked up at me. I tried to look away fast but it was too late. " I dropped out of college two months ago and my parents think I am still attending," he said, assuming I was going to ask. I just nodded as if I did not care. For that brief second his blue eyes locked on mine and for the first time in 12 years my mind went clear. He smriked " Just thought I should tell someone" he said as he took out a book and started reading. I pushed my hair behind my ears and went back to reading. " Wow you like the author Q. Smith too," he sounded excited pointing out we were reading the same book. " He has away with words" I said not lifting my eyes from the page. You may be thinking this is incredibly rude of me, it is just, I got this feeling of love at first site that I knew was a feeling I had never had and I did not know how to cope with it. " You have to be a college drop out too, no one dedicates an entire day to reading Q. Smith in a train station at the age of, let me guess 20 like me?" His accent and blonde hair was so distracting I just nodded again. He told me how he wanted to become a business owner but something came up so he just decided to quit. He has been going to the library everyday since he dropped out but today it was too full so he just came here. " I am going to just keep talking because I have not had an intellgent conversation in two months," he stopped for a second to smirk then kept going. " My name is Noah, Noah Prinslo, and I just want to find away threw this world without breaking it." I instantly looked up at him and felt as if he had just said the words I had been looking for and trying so hard to say. He looked at me and we just remained silent. " Noah, you can not break what is already so badly broken." I said to him while our eyes stayed on eachother. He went to say something but a train came rushing in and his eyes moved from mine and his mouth shut. His phone beeped and the time on his phone was 2:15, me and Noah talked for three hours, or should I saw Noah talked to me for 2 hours and 56 minutes and I talked for 4 minutes. He got up " This is my train but hey I will be here tomorrow and I hope to see you here too, same time." and he walked onto the train. As fast as Noah cleared my mind is how fast it became a mess again. Chapter Three: Noah Prinslo. His mind was a mess like mine and that is what made him so perfect. He had nothing figured out and his thoughts where everywhere. All he wanted to do was talk and it seemed like he knew exactly what to say even when words did not need to be spoken. I missed him. His presence was like a piece I was missing for my mind to be sane. I am sure you are thinking, how can I get all this out of one talk, he is a complete stranger. I just get this feeling that he is what I need in my life. He had this way of making the things he talked about always sound so important and nice. I know there is much more I need to learn about Noah so I have a feeling the park and museum will be seeing less of me and the train station will see me more. Chapter Four: I reset my alarm to wake me up at a later time so I would get to the station in time to meet Noah. I made sure I got new music on my phone last night and the new Q. Smith book just incase he didnt show up and I was stuck just sitting there. I rode my bike at a slower pace because I didnt want to rush to an empty station. The more I thought about him the more I got nervous he wouldnt be there. It was like the saneness he bought to my mind got flooded with more insanity once our conversation was over. Again, my favorite saying, whatever. I walked in with my head tilted down at my phone to avoid eye contact with him incase he was there. I sat down and put my headphones in. " Its about time I was getting nervous you wouldnt show!" Noah was wearing a polo shirt and jeans with converse. My smile was probably bigger then it should have been but he smiled back, so it was okay. He sat closer to me today; the seat right next to me instead of two away to be exact. He pulled a red plaid lunch box out of his bag, which was cute because I havent seen someone use a lunch box since the forth grade, and a water bottle. "I hope you like turkey sandwiches because this is all I had in my pantry" he handed me one smiling and I took it. He made them as if it was for a child, crust cut off and all, extremely cute. I said thanks but didnt start to eat it because I wasnt sure if he was going to start up a conversation yet or not. He closed his lunch box and looked up at me, our eyes locked again and I knew we were about to have another mind clearing conversation. Chapter Five: "I live alone up the street from the library which was convenient when I would go to college but now its even better because when my parents try to FaceTime me while im there the library makes an awesome college looking background. I even get the kids behind me in the frame so it looks like there are kids learning with me" he said all of this like he could trust me with anything and it was cool. I never moved my eyes from his. His eyes lit up like Christmas tree as he talked and he made every conversation he spoke about seem important. " Okay enough about me, can you tell me why you dedicate your entire day sitting here?" My eyes suddenly moved from his and here came the flood of worries back into my mind. What if he wasnt as interested in my life as I was in his, or if he criticized something I said. " Im an open book, I have majored in science and minored in business but dont have a job, my job is watching the world change, I guess. Whats the sense of getting a job just to loose it or retire from it. " I said all of this not looking at him, just at my hands folded in my lap. "Wow, as if I needed another reason to like you!" He said that sentence in true awe for some reason. When I looked up his eyes were in the same position they were when I listened to him talk, as if he was still focusing on me even though I wasnt looking at him. " Lets get out of here! Its friday and my parents know I have no classes today" he said with a smirk as he held out his hand. I got up and took his hand in mine and he led us to the exit. I was not sure where we were going but for some reason I trusted him. Chapter Six: I know what your thinking, and kids dont try this at home, trusting a stranger at a train station is probably not the smartest idea. Noah and I walked out of the station and it was 1:16 and he pulled out his phone to look up something. It was all shattered but he managed to read the screen just fine. " Perfect we have twenty minutes to get there! Do you wanna go to the movies?" Noah looked at me and pushed his hair back waiting for me to answer. " I would love to, which one?" I said not overly excited but a decent amount. My mind was probably trying to figure out how excited to be that a stranger just asked me to the movies and I was saying yes. " All of them!" He took my hand and we made it to the movies and got two tickets. I followed him to the theater and saw it was some french silent film playing. We walked in and it was half way over. " I thought you said we had time to make it" I said to Noah because I was confused. "Just watch" the look on his face was lovely. It was like a look you could never get tired off. I smiled and just watched. The movie was getting intense even though we had missed a good twenty minutes of it. We were in the theater for about ten minutes then Noah grabbed my arm and led me out of the theater. " Come on we are going to miss the next movie!" he said this as we ran to the next room over. We sat in the back and it was a war movie. At this point you are probably as confused as I am. I was not sure what was going on or why we just ran out of one movie and ran into another, but I was just going with it. He did the same thing for the next three movies. We watched ten minutes of five movies. A silent love story in France, a war movie, a cartoon, a documentry about America, and a space movie. " Well?" he said looking at me happily. " I cant really give you my thoughts on any of them becasue we only saw parts of each." I looked at him and smiled because I was still super confused. " You told me your job was to watch the world change, I helped you watch it change in 50 minutes. You witnessed love, war, youth, America, and Space change all in one day. You are welcome." Chapter Seven: Noah and I walked back to the train station and we both went home. I rode my bike and noticed that as many question as Noah asked, he never once asked me what my name was. If you met someone and impacted their life so much in only two days, how could you not want to know their name. The next day I went with a only a pencil, notebook and a bottle of water. This time me and Noah arrived at the exact time. We sat down and I put my notebook and pencil out on the little side table next to us. " Are you going to survey me today! I already told you everything." he smirked and just looked at me. " Why havent you asked me my name?Its a silly question to ask but I need to know, and..." I said it so quickly it was like my mind didnt even have time to proccess the sentence and it just kept going. Noah leaned in and kissed me and smiled as if he were hiting pause on my question. " Lea is my name" I just starred into his eyes waiting for him to say something. "Almost as lovely as you," He got up and handed me a list of all the towns in London. " Come on Lea!" he ran to the train list and wrote down the times. The light coming off the sign lit up his face. He had such a sweet look on his face like a child, everything he did or said seemed so kind, like he was too pure for this world. " Okay Lea so if we go now we can see every town from the train without getting off, you can see London change in a day!" It amazed me how he was so interested in helping me see the world change. " Noah as much as you help me see the world change, promise me you wont." I said this as I was putting my train ticket in my wallet. " Lea, I dont even carry change in my pockets." Everything he said he ended with a smile. We got on the train and he sat super close to me, I didnt mind it just seemed he was scared and sat that close for comfort. " Are you okay Noah?" I held his hand and tried to make eye contact with him but he just looked out the window. " I am great! I just never really liked this part of London that is all" even when he was scared he sounded like he was fine. As the train went foward Noah looked at me " Watch this!" he pointed to the little houses and the sign said population 100. As we rode past the end of that town we entered the next town and it had huge buildings and its population was in the thousands. "Population and building increase, change right before your eyes." he smiled so big and all I could do was smile back." " Lea is there something you wanted so badly but never thouhgt you would have," his question sounded so sincere like he really wanted to know an answer. I looked at him and everytime I looked into his eyes all I could do was smile, " To be honest all I ever wanted was someone to truely love me so much and do great things with them." He looked at me and said " Man am I good, I occomplished two things you wanted in one day." I swear Noahs smile might bring world peace. At this point, atleast my world was at peace. Chapter Eight: We were coming close to the end of our day on the train. We entered back into our town and we where ten minutes from our station. " Noah, your phone rang at least thirty times while we where on the train maybe you should call those people back what if it is important." I looked down to see Noahs head resting on my shoulder and he had fallen asleep. How could someone look so kind and perfect even while sleeping? The train let out a loud whistling sound and Noahs whole body jumped up as if someone had scared him. "I am sorry Lea, that sound always seems to scare me now, maybe because I never noticed how loud it was." his voice sounded like he was sleepy and I knew he was because we had had a long day. " It is okay Noah, we are almost back at the train station anyways! I think your parents tried calling you a few times, maybe they know you are skipping class today" I said to him jokingly and we both smiled at eachother. "It is probably nothing, they know I am okay I will talk to them later." He shut his phone off and put his head back on my shoulder. The train stopped and Noah and I got off. We had spent 12 hours on the train and it was now 8 at night. " Ms. Lea would you like to have dinner with me tonight?" Noah said this as if it was written down on paper and I was reading it in my head. " Sure where!" I said things to him now in confidence, the three days we already had together was like I knew Noah for years. " Lets go to my favorite place." I assumed it would be some high end restraunt that served six meals and my outfit would not meet the standord dress code, man was I never happy to be more worng. We walked up to this field with blankets all around and people all having their own little picnics while watching the sun set. You could order your own personal picnic basket and just sit and talk at your own blanket and no one rushed. He told me topick basket and then meet him at the spot we had chosen to sit. I picked one and handed it to him, " I hope you like turkey sandwiches." At this point if we didnt end a conversation with a smile you should assume something is wrong. We ate our food and watched the sun go down and it was the most my mind had been at ease in a long time. Noahs phone rang again and again and everytime it rang he shut it down. " Noah what if someone needs you?" I told him it was okay if he answered his phone and talked for awhile if he wanted me to walk myself home. " Lea, no one needs me that badly to call thirty five times, it is okay! I think it is time to go home now though because the last train is almost going." He lent out his hand and he held mine. We walked back to the station and he wrote down his apratment number and phone number. " Now if you call me, do not worry, I will not let it ring thirty five times, I will gladly answer." He smiled and went on his train and I walked to my apartment. Chapter Nine: I texted Noah and told him to come to my place today because there was going to be bad weather and it was not a good idea to be traveling alot. He came in and his smile lit up my entire apartment. " Wow look how big your bay window is! I guess with a job like yours, watching the world change must be pretty fun threw this window!" " Noah, seeing the world change with you is way more fun." He got up and kissed me softly and looked into my eyes " Lea you made these past four days so amazing we missed the biggest change of them all, we have changed eachother. People change people. Boom, another change right in front of you. Maybe we should do this job together." He kissed me again and it felt as if I had no worries in the world. His phone buzzed again and he stopped it, this time it was a flood of texts instead of a call. " Noah why dont you just answer." his phone had half a message typed out but never sent. " Lea, it is truely okay, my parents found out where I was and know I am okay. Honestly." He smiled at me and told me he had to go. " Tomorrow comeby me and we can think of a new adventure." The door shut and all I could do was smile. I never knew how badly I needed someone like him in my life until he was in it. I understand we only met not even a full week ago but it just seems like he has something no one esle in the world does. Chapter Ten: Noah texted me the next mroning telling me to meet him at the library. I rode my bike into the parkinglot and there he was, standing there with flowers and his beautiful smile. " I picked these for you from the place we ad dinner at the other night on my way home from your apartment." I understand I have said this a million times, but everytime he smiled my heart melted. " Thank you Noah, for everything." He looked up and just smirked. We walked into the library and we sat all the way in the back. We just talked for along time about our favorite authors and books. He showed me how to read between the lines. We laughed and talked for a long time there, and no body seemed to care. Noah and I had again spent an entire day together, and today he walked me home. " Lea I will see you tomorrow my love." he hugged me, like the way a child hugs his parents on the first day of school. " I love you Lea." he said this so softly and he was still hugging me. " I love you too Noah, thank you for showing me how fast the world changes everyday." I went to let go of our hug and he was still holding on. It was a super tight hug like he was scared to let go. " Hey, Noah look at me, it is okay we will see eachother tomorrow Noah whats wrong?" he pulled away from me and our eyes locked again. " It has been my honor to help you see the world this past week, see you tomorrow Ms. Lea." He kissed me goodbye and I just watched him walk until his outline was gone because he turned the corner. Chapter Eleven: Noah: "Hello my love I would like to take you on a new adventure today." I woke up to that text from Noah and an instant smile came over my face. I texted him back asking him where I should meet him and he told me to meet him at his apartment. I got ready then rode my bike to his place. Noah lived on the second floor of his building, and the third one in. When I got to the door all I could notice was the huge stack of mail piling outside his door. " Hey Noah its me, do you want me to get all this mail off of your door mat?" " Its okay Lea we have something fun to do today, lets go!" he said as he opened his door and then locked it behind him and took my hand. He took me to the park next to his apartment and we sat down next to the pond." Is it cool if todays adventure we just relax?" He said it like he was sad to be asking. " Sure Noah, we dont need to hangout today if you dont want to." I went to get up and he stopped me. " No I just want to talk about me and you today only, not about anything else." He pulled me closer to him and kissed me, " So tell me Lea is there anything else you want to know about me?" I guess this was a good thing he asked being that we really didnt know much about eachother. " What came up that made you quit college and why cant you tell your parents?" He looked at me with such a sad look on his face I instantly regretted asking him. " Im sorry Noah never mind" I said it super fast and with no emotion in my voice. " Its okay Lea! I quit college because I got in involved with the wrong type of kids in college, not drugs or anything, they just were the wrong ffriends to choose." he paused for a second and then once he started talking he couldnt stop. Chapter Twelve: " They wanted alot from me, I was only a freshman so I wanted to make friends fast because I was scared of being alone. So when these groups of guys asked me if I wanted to hangout with them I was all for it. We did normal things like play pool and go to the lounge and just hangout with people. I felt for the first time in along time that I was popular. Of course the guys went to parties alot and stuff but the nights they went out I stayed home. I would call my parents and talk to them for hours because I missed them alot. One night the guys told me to comeout with them and I said okay. I told them I wouldnt drink and they called me names jokingly and then said whatever. It was this big party behind the tracks and everybody who was anybody was there." he looked at me and smiled " I really wish I knew you then because you could have came with me and I would have had a way better time." I feel like part of the reason he said that was to make sure I was still listening. He didnt need to though because I was truthfully intrested in what he was saying. " Everyone was having a grand time and I was just there... My friends saw I was on my phone and they took it from me. They made stupid comments and threw my phone back and forth to one another." Noah wasnt looking at me anymore but instead just at the ground, and then he looked up at me and smiled. I had tears in my eyes for some reason I wasnt sure why it just seemed like he was sad and I hadnt seen that part of him before. " Its okay my love, after that night I stopped attending college and never told my parents. Thats all." He locked his eyes on mine and whipped the tears off my face, " I was never the partying type and thats all that business school focused on, who needs them anyways." I dont understand how someone who looked so sad could stay so positive. We stayed quiet for the rest of the time we where there. I had fallen asleep lying next to him. When I woke up and he was there sleeping so peacefully. By the time we had both been fully awake the moon was out. " The stars are my favorite part about the night." Noah said this with his adorable smile looking right at me. " My mom and dad told me the night before I went to college that if I ever felt alone to look at the stars and know they were looking at the same thing, and to imagine we were looking at them together." he took my hand " Lea if you ever feel alone or there comes a time where we miss one another just look at the stars." " Noah thank you for not letting college or those boys change your personality." He grinned and said " Just remember the stars are ours my love." and we went back to our own apartments. Chapter Thirteen: Todays date was March 12, and me and now had hungout for a total of nine days. In those nine days we said we loved one another, kissed and hugged each other, helped eachother see the change in the world, and clame the stars as ours. I had forgotten how much of a mess my mind had been and I never felt better. We accomplished alot in nine days that some people couldnt accomplish in a life time. I hadnt heard from Noah all day that morning about any new adventures. I checked my phone every minute and there was nothing. I decided to call him and there was no answer. I had a fereling something was wrong so I decided to go to the museum today because maybe Noah needed a break from me and I have not bedn there in a few days. Chapter Fourteen: Of course out of all the days, today the museum was closed. I walked to the library to just relax. When I walked in I saw a bunch of college students doing a power point so I tried to sit away from them. They were making a slideshow about someone and some students were crying. I overheard one of them say " It has been almost two months and I still can not believe it." and another say how it was just a terrible accidnet. I hated seeing people cry and I wanted to call Noah badly at this point just to hear his voice. I couldnt take the sound of the students crying anymoe so I got up and walked to Noahs apartment. I was hoping he would be home. At this point I was wondering where he had went because I figured he would have called me back or texted me by now. When I got to his door there was even more mail and packages now too. They were from WEC University, the college Noah had attented but dropped out of. I slide it them to the the side so I could knock on his door. As I did so the corner of his door mat came up and a key was showing. " Hey Noah its Lea, I just wanna make sure you are okay, can I come in?" there was no answer. Okay what I am about to do next is super creepy for a girl to do after only knowing a guy fo nine days, but I used the key from under the matt and opened his door. It opened really slow and the apartment was silent. "Noah are you okay?" my voice was super shakey because I was scared. His apartment looked like a picture out of a magazine. Everything was in a perfect place and everything was so organized. I walked around and no one was in the apartment. His answering machine was blinking and in red numbers it said he had 76 missed messages. I guess he doesnt like answering messages. I walked back to the library and my mind went instantly back to a mess. Chapter Fifteen: The college students where still there and they were now laughing and looking at pictures of the student. I saw that one of them had a sweatshirt on that said WEC on it. I wonder if they would remember Noah. I walked up to them " Hey I am Lea! Im not sure whatgrade you guys are in but do you by any chance know who Noah Prinslo is?" as the words came out of my mouth I looked down and saw Noahs face on one of the pictures in a girls hand. "Hey yeah! thats him right there" I sounded more excited then the the students looked. "How did you know him" a girl said giving me an unfriendly look. " I still know him" I said, " I..." the students all just looked at me confused and all turned away from me. One boy got up and walked me to the back of the library. " Did no one tell you what happened to Noah?" I was getting nervous and just nodded my head no. The boy handed me a newspaper with the heading " COLLEGE BOYS' DEATH BY TRAIN HAS WEC UNIVERSITY IN SHOCK." " He was at a party one night and some stupid frat boys took his phone and threw it and it landed on the tracks. He ran to pick it up and his foot got stuck on one part of the tracks. The party was so loud and people where drunk that no one heard him calling for help. We heard the train let out a loud sound and we thought it was because we were not aloud to be there so we all aplit before the cops could catch us. The next morning a lady went to the police station because she had found Noahs phone shattered and she just wanted to return it. They went to investigate and later that day in the papers the article saying Noah passed away cameout. Poor kid was always so friendly what a shame. His parents didnt even know where he had went to the party or anything." I ran out of the library and to Noahs apartment without saying a word to that boy, he had to be lying, it could not be true. Chapter Sixteen: I opened Noahs door and cried out his name. I had tears running down my face it was as if all my feelings were coming out all at once and my mind was everywhere. I ran to his answering machine and clicked on the speaker button. It said " MESSAGES FROM JANUARY ( and it rambled off a bunch of dates.) MESSAGE ONE " Noah come out tonight man it will be fun and we are going to buy som..." I skipped it, " Noah dont forget to call us tonight to tell us what time you are coming home next weekened. We love you and cant wait to see you. Mum says you passed you last two test with 90s and we are so proud of you lad, call me back later" I still had tears streaming down my face I felt my chest closing like it was harder to inhale. I probably should have stopped listening but I kept going. " YOOOOO NOAH DUDE WEAR THOSE NEW SHOES YOU GOT TONIGHT THEY ARE AWESOME AND TONIGHT WILL BE SUPER FUN DUDE YOU ARE GOING TO THANK ME ONE DAY FOR THIS BUDDY..." I cut off that one too and the next 15 from that same boy saying how fun that night would be. The next message was from the night of the party. " NOAH MANNNNNNNNNN CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THIS I COULDNT FIND YOU ONCE WE ALL SPLIT DUDE BEFORE THE COPS COULD COME..." the kid called another three times and said the same thing probably because he was too drunk to know he called already. "Noah sweety its your mum, you didnt call us back yesterday, just calling to make sure all is okay. Call me back." " Noah its me again honey please call me back." "Noah enough now you are making me worried" " Noah the cops just said they found your cellphone please call them and say you will go pick it up, if you think we are mad that you broke it dont worry we can get a new one just call us." " Noah please your mother is in a panic thinking you are hurt." " Buddy its me dad again, we love you and know you cant be the boy they said they found by the tracks so please call me to tell me you are okay." That was the last message I listened to because I couldnt take it anymore. I dont understand. The only thing I could think to do was call his mom and dad.I wrote down the number from the answering machine and called. Chapter Seventeen: "Hello?" I said it so softly, almost silent, " Is this Mrs. Prinslo?" I was shaking. " Yes this is she, who is calling?" " Hi Mrs. Prinslo this is Lea and I have some questions to ask you about your son Noah if you are willing to talk." "I am always willing to talk about him. Lea, what do you want to know?" " Thank you, recently I have felt super close to Noah and to my understanding he has passed away two months ago." "Yes Lea this is true, how did you know him, did you go to school with him?" " He met me at the train station awhile back and taught me things I never knew I needed to learn, I just wanted to tell you how special he was and that he was such a lovely person. I am honored to say I knew him." " Thank you Lea. He was such a great son, thank you for calling." I hungup the phone and felt like that conversation was fake. I opened my laptop and googled his name. All the news articles came up saying how he died, and it gave the name of the cemetary he was burried at. I wrote down the place and rode my bike there. Chapter Eighteen: His grave was lonely. It was near a tree. It read "NOAH PRINSLO: OUR LOVELY SON NOW AMOUNG THE STARS. 1996-2016. " I kneeled down next ot the grave and rubbed my hand over it. "Hi Noah, I love you." I stoppped talking because I started to cry. " Lea I never wanted to tell you I am sorry my love." He was standing behind me. "Your mind was such a beautiful mess and I wanted to help you fix it." " Noah this is impossible, how are you here Noah you are dead." I didnt even like saying it out loud but nothing was making sense at all. "Lea I needed to help you see the world change so you could start living in it before it changes too much." Noah knelt down next to me and kissed the top of my head. "You need to start living your life beyond the park and the museum Lea. I said I was scared to break this world and you told me it was already broken. You need to fix. Change the world Lea, make it unbroken." Noah had tears running down his face and I just hugged him. I was scared to let him go. " I need to go now my love, I need to." He let go of me and the last thing niah said to me that day and forever was " Just remember the stars are ours." and I was suddenly just holding the air. Chapter Nineteen: A week had gone by and since that day at the grave yard I havent seen Noah. Nothing made sence anymore. I stayed up late just staring at the ceiling. Everything I loved about Noah wasnt even there. The exact train that killed him he road with me everyday. That loud sound that killed him bought him closer to me. His cracked phone, his messages, him telling me his parents knew he was okay, him dropping out of college. He didnt drop out he just couldnt go anymore because that thing that " came up" was death. He knew all my thoughts because he could see right though. He never had to ask me my name because he already knew it. It was no accident that he met me at the train station that day. He was sent to me to help me not only change the world but fix it. How am I suppose to fix something I dont understand. The one thing that made me think straight is gone. I am not even sure how Im supposed to feel anymore. I went from me thinking I have a messy mind to me slowly lossing it. Chapter Twenty: I decided to stop going to the library and the park. I didnt even go to the train station at all anymore. Everything I did reminded me of Noah. For someone who was only in my life for 9 days, he changed it forever. His accent was stuck in my head. Sometimes the thoughts I had sounded like his voice, like he was my conscience. I stayed home alot and just looked out my window. I decided to go outside tonight and sit out there because I needed fresh air. I closed my eyes and just sat there. I was just trying to clear my head. When I opened my eyes it was as if every star in the world was out. As if 3 million new stars were created. I felt like the night changed me. I went back inside and decided to make a trip to the bank in the morning. Chapter Twenty One: I dressed super buisness woman like this morning. I walked into the bank and took out my 5 million dollars. I went home and started to do alot of research about making a business. It took me a total of three weeks before I figured everything I needed to. Noah told me to change this world and thats what I was determind to do. I opened up my own business online called Penny for your thoughts, change the world one day at a day at a time with the change in your pockets. The business only cost me 300 dollars to make and I put all the rest of the money I had I just donated to Penny for your thoughts. I dedicated my business to Noah and the money people donated I gave to Noahs mom. Turns out Noahs parents owed alot of moeny to hospitals from when they tried to save Noah and they still owed money to the college. Im just trying to fix this world and my mind through change.

0 notes