thinking about how much of ranpo's meltdown in untold origins got left out of the anime and falling to my knees

Hi I just wanna say while others may disagree with Bea's actions I actually love it because it's just so -human-

Bea tends to react according to her emotions, we know this, and while yes she has had some growth 1. Growth isn't always linear and 2. Humans, when we're desperste enough, will block stuff out unintentionally in favour of reaching our goal

All of this is to say yes Bea's actions don't make sense but in the context of the story and how you established her character her actions do make sense at the same time? Does that make sense?

I appreciate it- it's def a "I need to shut up and log off" moment for me, but it's been very stressful cause I really wanna make sure S3 is a satisfying ending for everyone, lol.

I think expecting Bea to have a perfect reaction and for everything to go smoothly would be a bit bizarre given she's in Hell and, well, she did almost get eaten by a pack of demons upon just showing up.

Idk, obviously you can't please everyone, and it's good people are invested enough to have strong emotions, though!

I saw some old posts where people addressed Héctor's flaws. I got stomach aches reading them because I think they got it totally wrong! I couldn't get it out of my mind, so here I am, putting my salt into the soup!

~

First things first, EVERYONE's got flaws! Nobody is perfect. Everyone's done and is doing mistakes. And with Héctor, we need to look very carefully, consider 1. His character and 2. His situation.

Right off the bat, what some see as flaws are actually GOOD character traits merely tending to bring trouble because the world is dark and twisted most of the time! Héctor is one of the most selfless and altruistic characters ever! He'd give everything for those he loves and this immense love also makes him reckless sometimes.

Let's beginn with the first flaw pointed out by others.

"Héctor let himself be persuaded to go on tour with Ernesto. He should have said no."

Yes, Ernesto talked Héctor into his idea, BUT, they were best friends! As close as brothers! Héctor came along because 1. He loved Ernesto and 2. He wanted to provide for his wife and daughter! Even if that meant he had to do something he was slightly uncomfortable with. Ignoring his wants to stay at home, he took the chance! He took the risk. If being away for a while meant more money and hence a better life for his family, he gladly make that jump! It is absolutely selfless but also admireble! Like, that's what a good father does! He couldn't have know how much Ernesto would change during that time, nor that he would eventually snap and get him killed. And Héctor did stand up for himself! He's not a weak, idiot who let's himself get pushed around! Most of the time he's just peace seeking and slow to anger! Which, are RIGHT traits according to God! And to me too! It might get you hurt and some people might take adventage of your kindness but what exactly is bad then? Your kindness, selflessness or those mean people? Aha, see what I'm getting at? Nobody should change their positove traits or harden their hearts just because others are in darkness! It's a whole different thing to draw lines and stand up for yourself. And Héctor does!

"His irresbonsibility"

*big sigh* Ok, there are 2 reasons mentioned to put the stamp irresponsible on Héctor's forehead and it get's me mad!

The thing about him lending things and losing them all! Well, Héctor tried desperatly to cross the flower bridge for decades! He tried everything to cross. Lending himself stuff and noz being able to return them wasn't because he's careless and irresponsible! He just couldn't bring them back! Take a look at his broken bones, his knocked out teeth, his scratches and THINK for a second! All the horrific accidents he must have gotten into. He surely aimed to bring each and every item back but they all got lost or destroyed in the process. And I don't think Héctor made an attempt to cross with it most likely failing at the back of his mind. He just went for it! Remember how he bolted forward once he was through the check? All his mind is focused on is "I need to get to and see my baby!" And before that it was "I need to get to and see my wife and baby!"

If Héctor had the chance to bring the items back, he would have! He wanted to take the Frida costume back but who forbit him to do so? The officer! (Joke's on him though because it'll be Ceci giving him hell later"

He was being irresponsible with Miguel ...

Someone said it would have been easier to just hand over Miguel to the police and have them sort it out! Well, have you seen how Miguel ran from his own family to get his way? He ran from Héctor too once he figured out Miguel had relatives around! Héctor helped Miguel first and foremost because out of desperstion! Miguel was the BIGGEST ticket for him to be able to cross, by letting him bring the photo back. But for Miguel to do so, he had to help him bring him to Ernesto. And that's what Héctor did. He tried hi best to get Miguel to Ernesto as fast as possible. Not to forget, that it was a race of life and death for both.

And Miguel is a kid! And obviously he's acting like one now and then! And Héctor paniced when Miguel ran off. Because he worried for him! If his deal wouldn't work, he would look for another way but Miguel could die! Yes, Héctor might not always make right decissions, but he is giving his best and he always means well! And we also need tp consider his condition! He knows he'll most likely not last the night, yet he still risks that and helps Miguel.

Of course we see Hèctor later on pleading with Miguel one last time that they had a deal but then in the cenote, he caves in. He's getting weaker by the second, the process of him fading has begun. And even through his pain, he is still comforting Miguel.

Him being clumsy and him lying is also often seen as one of his flaws. And while I absolutely agree, that yes, he's a huge clutz and he's both accident prone and sometimes too reckless when it comes to his own health and savety, I wouldn't call his lying a flaw in the classical way. Because, the only times we see Héctor lying in the movie is so he can get as much as a hinge closer to his goal of crossing the bridge. That's how important his daughter is to him! Lying is never good, but he lies out of desperation. (In my book, young Héctor sometimes used his catch phrase "That was a lie! I apologize for it!" as a means of his humor, and, or to calm his opposite. And Héctor is darn humorous!

Now to what I point out in my book, not necessarily flaws but things that get Héctor into trouble often

His kindness

His altruismn, selflessness

Him ignoring his own needs and wants for the wellbeing of others

His clumsiness

His recklessness

His trait to always see the good in people

His stubborness

And while most of those are wonderful character traits, as mentioned above, in a world where such personalities as Hèctor are rare, it's hard to get around.

What do you guy's think?

OKAY, LET'S GET UNCOMFY ! Feel free to ignore as many, (or all!)as you want. 21 / 30 / 62 / 77 /83

Thank you,

I'll put this under a cut because there will be mention of a suicide attempt, mention of drug addiction, implied death, adult themes and just in general sensitive stuff.

Either proceed with caution or just simply skip it, you are not missing out on anything.

21. Have you ever had to hurt anyone emotionally?

This one is interesting because the question implies that it was intentional and no other option but to hurt the person. I think i only had one of these. I mean did hurt people but not exactly because i had to.. So when a friend of mine called me in the middle of the night i had to actually bully her out of suicide. Which was a desperste last resort because i had no idea what to do. Nothing i said seemed to work so in the end i opted for a low blow and started talking shit about the only person she would have been sad to leave alone. The vague idea was that if i can piss her off enough, her mind will be directed away from the razor in her hand. To this day i cannot fathom it actually worked.

30. Who have you never forgiven? Why?

I could say may father but that would not be entirely true true. I mean i wouldn't say i forgave him but i don't hold a grudge against him anymore.

I could say the local dealer who was the reason a friend of mine got hooked and eventually OD-d. But i know why he was dealing and i can hardly hold it agains him.

But i can say myself. Me not being kind to myself in genral, is not attention or sympathy garnering. I genuinly been awful as fuck to a number of people. And not all can be written off as being simply "young and stupid" even if a few years has passed since. But things were said, stuff happend, connections destroyed and there is no going back. I know having resentment towards myself is not changing any of that, but it helps me stay grounded in a way.

62. Do you wish you could start tomorrow with a clean slate? Why/why not?

As a tought exercise i'd entertain the idea of a clean slate but if i'm honest.. I would not start over. As much as the shitty parts sucked and how many fuckups i made along the way, without them i would not be who i am today. And i know i say i don't really like myself but it is who i am. I wouldn't want to change that, because i don't know how to be anything else. It wouldn't be me. Besides, starting over when i'm just starting to accept all my flaws and shortcomings and admit that i am human at the end of the day would feel like cheap way out.

77. What’s your kink?

This is a funky one for me because i really don't have a healthy relationship with sex at all. But i don't think i have any unusual kinks. Tho i am also a control freak and not in a cute way when it comes to it. And that has some build in innate need for control and all. So that's definitely there..

83. Do you like when people guess how you’re feeling?

It depends but i'm not really fond of preconcieved assumptions when you have the choice to just.. ask. I'm not completely sure why but people jut always assume i'm programmed to be negative, dismissive, nitpicky and in general passive aggressive about everything which is just not true. I might be a complete fuckup of a wet cat in human disguise in general but that doesn't mean i don't care. People tend to forget that i'm basically an excited plankton floating around in awe of the world, if we consider the actual capacity of my brainpower on a daily basis.

You

pt 1

excuse my typos, angst with comfort dw

"ah y/n you're not going to visit xiao again?"

"oh? miss guizhong !" y/n hugged tightly to guizhong as she hugged you back. "I feel that he's been feeling a bit lonely, may you please watch over him for the time being? I'm slightly worried."

ah, guizhong must be talking about his karmic debt thats starting to show and make xiao unstable lately. Once his karmic debt activate, he wont be satisfied until he kills.

"yes, miss guizhong. I'll do it."

"thank you y/n, me and morax will be here if you need us." guizhong waves her hand goodbye and starts to sit next morax to enjoy their tea.

you chuckled slightly, "how sweet they are.."

As you jump through rocks and hills, you spot xiao closing his eyes in the balcony of wangshu inn.

knowing someone is staring at him, he grew alarmed. "xiao—!" you said while jumping to the balcony's railing. Xiao's always been amazed by your speed and how high you can jump it's really amazing. He learned a lot from you.

[yes, his ult comes from you. he learned by watching you.]

"ha ! there you are, I know this is your favorite spot but you need to go down and rest. Miss guizhong told me to watch over you." you put your arms to your hips.

"i'm fine, no beed for your hosiptality."

"but xiao—" you reached your arms to his shoulder, he flinches and backs away. "i'm fine so stay away !" he yells, his forehead sweating and his eyes are glowing slightly.

...? is he..? shit not now, he'll be out of control again

you see his arms trembling covering both of his ears. "I'm sorry for touching you but—" you put both of your hands on top of his. "stay strong xiao." your face full of concern, kneeling down so you and him is on the same height since he's sitting in a bench. Closing your eyes and leaned to touch his forehead with yours.

xiao never likes physical touch but, when you touch him though. it's another story. it feels calming in a weird way, and he's very afraid of hurting people he cares about especislly when his karmic debt is very active recently because of the archon war. And even worse, it's night.

after a while, he pants heavily and his eyes are desperstely closed shut, scared.

"listen to me, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in breathe out. Are you okay now? have you calmed down?" You looked up to him, face with worry. "I-I'm sorry, thank you" you nodded and try to let go of your hands but xiao pulled your hands back to his ears.

"stay." gosh.. how demanding. this isn't a choice I guess. "okay, i will". He doesnt give you back a respond but he starts to calm down and closes his eyes.

after a while, more like hours—

"ah my, my sweet sweet little kids !"

"guizhong please don't bother them..."

you woke up feeling a head on your shoulder and 2 very familiar voices.

"m-morax and guizhong, apologies this isn't what it looks like—" you half-way try to stood up but a sneaky arm pulls your back. fuck xiao. this isn't the right time.

you, your mind is still in disaster and panic, face flushed with embarrassment. meanwhile xiao just... snores, annoyingly very peacefully.

"haha, dont worry dearest we know."

"it's okay y/n we're just paying a visit and see what you two were doing. Sorry if we cause a disturbance." Morax said, with a small smile on his face.

"alright then, we'll return. you two have a safe night ! Let's go morax." guizhong put her hand with morax's as they teleport together.

you, still stunned of whatever was happenig. did they just... accept their kind of 'we don't know relationship' ?

you patted his head, and tucked his hair above his ears. trying to get away from his grasp, you slowly put away his arm and rested his head on the wall. and saying your goodbyes.

"sleep well xiao." after that, you teleported too. but, dont you remember that adeptus doesnt need sleep? and yes he's awake this whole time. A smirk on his face and touches his head where you patted his head and continue to sleep. real sleep this time.

after months and months, you started to get closer to xiao. but not everything ends well. "y/n ! y/n ! please heal ganyu! she's hurt very badly." hurt people rushed over you needing your healing. you may not have a vison but you're very good at herbs and medical stuff which is very useful for war. archon war.

"yes, please bring ganyu here!" Ganyu is still holding her bow, barely conscious. "please ganyu hang in there." you eyed xiao who was in the center of attention. You rarely see him very fierce, he was very gentle to you. Seeing him now looks like your looking a very similar xiao but not xiao. Something's like possesing him. But you pay no mind as you focus to heal ganyu's wound.

Ganyu was amazing, she fought her hardest. And we won. We won.

you laughed lowly with a tear sliding down from your eye. "we won.."

you ran up to xiao who's breathing heavily and hug him with blood all over his body. totally not his blood. "you did well, very well, im so proud." leaning to him more, patting his head, and crying with happiness on his shoulder.

But he didn't hug you back, like he's avoiding you. It has been a while since he's like this. you just hope he's okay.

after 2 months, he didn't even try to get near you. your friends seems to avaoid the question "where is xiao?" from you. Even Guizhong didn't answer you. Until you reach your limit and straight up ask morax himself.

"morax."

"yes..?" his voice sounded awfully suspicious, and he seems to know what you're gonna ask.

"where's xiao?"

"y/n, the point is... I can't it's too risky."

"what is risky? even if I do not have a vision i swear my life to protect liyue !" you begged with your eyes to morax. "Just please, i want to see xiao."

".. fine, he's hiding in the nearest cave around here probably headed to where the wind is blowing the most. He has an anemo vision after all." He still tried to avoid eye contact, rather guilty of keeping secrets from you.

from that information, you hugged morax very tightly. "thank you, thank you, thank you. I will go now. bye bye !"

morax saw you jump very high to see the land from the upper view to see more clearly, and try to feel the wind where it blows most. just like what morax said.

you stand on a very tall pole nesr a building and just stand there trying to feel the wind. Even though you were searching for xiao, the wind at night feels the most best.

ah. you found it the wind, xiao must be there.

You were right. he's there in the corner of the cave, head on his knees, his arms covering his ears. Is it happening again? the karmic debt.

"who's there?" He asked with a dangerous low voice. "it's me. y/n, why are you here?"

"y/n..? dont— please this time please don't come." he tried to shield you away from him by curling himself to a ball. "I'm not gonna hurt you, is the karmic debt happening again?" you asked trying to touch his hand with yours, together covering his ears.

"yes, and it's getting worse because of the war, and I don't want to accidentally kill you ! please just this time stay away." his eyes filled with tears and his voice starts to sound heavier, breathing harshly. "i-it's happening please go !" still you do not move an inch. Insread you hugged him desperately.

the only thin xiao hears is the word "kill her, kill kill, its your job to kill." but he can't he won't. But someone will using his own body. His hands start to slither around your neck. pushing you down to the floor and pinning both of your hands down with his other hand. Making him on top of you. Eys glaring turning to red instead of the nora shining yellow ones.

he choked on you harder, making it very hard to breathe. "no, no.." he said his tears dropping to your cheeks like he's fighting his inner self. fully conscious that he's trying to kill you.

Before you draw your last breath, your final words are, "if it's you, I wouldn't mind dying because of you."

your body starts to get weak, heart beatijg slower. Eyes closed, and not breathing anymore. Just an empty shell of a body with no soul.

When he fully regained his consciousness ge starts crying ang begging for you to wake up even if it seems impossible. His last hope and wish is just to see you breathing again. Just one last time.

-

xiao is very busy these days, as a person who works in a cafe serving everybody is a tiring job.

"next. your name for order?"

"y/n."

"what..? say it again one more time."

"it's y/n" your face filled with memorable memories. "It's you isn't it? the one who's in my dreams. Xiao."

AHHAHAHAHA LOLOLOLOL ☺☺😍😍😍😍💀 rip y/n ig

Fun Fact time!!

I promise it won't have any effect on any RPS that are on going (public or otherwise):

I kinda made it up on the spot, but I imagine to, you know, not retcon a bunch of this version's early stuff ((you know, all the REEEEEEALLY old stuff)), Ramon and Salamander were temporarily merged in the Vortex as one of the many strange effects on him. Ramon owns up to a lot of what happens in The Enemy of the World and The Heralds of Destruction, but only because he thought he actually did all of it himself. It's only once Salamander starts reawakening that he realizes what happened.

He doesn't tell anyone because he knows that without a reason to believe it, people will call him a liar and accuse him of trying to blame someone else for his own actions, so he let's them think that after escaping a fate worse than death, he ultimately decided on repentance, trying not to get in anymore like trouble.

It's stupid and it needs work, but I feel it can work for now until I come up with something better, because while I feel there are some things that desperstely need to be forgotten from those days, I ultimately don't want to get rid of all of it.

You really went above and beyond to say things, unique things which made me brim with more joy than what I had felt in years. You told me you felt safe with me and that I could feel safe with you. That I wormed my way into your heart when you don't usually let people in. I honestly and so god damn truly felt in awe at how you could easily just whisk me away from the dark corners of my soul. And you said things which lead me to believe I done this for you too. You had a way with words, and a view completely different to anyone I've ever encountered. And I loved you for that. Your stories and experiences and the way you conveyed them in your art and poetry struck emotions in me I could never describe. I know too you had a darkness in you which picked away and debilitated you at times. And I tried to help and be in your corner in any way I could or that you needed. I remember one of these times you told me I 'had a magic' for sticking with you when you made it hard for people to. Eventually I think this darkness took over for you. You said things at the end which made me think everything you ever said in our time was just to get me on your side, because you could see how I seen you, and because you knew I would do whatever it took to make you happy. Part of me doesn't believe this, or at least I just hope too much this isnt the case. Or maybe you were just used to so many people leaving you, you expected it from others. I did catch you whisper under your breath once about how I wasn't sick of you yet. I remember thinking that so ludicrous. I seen such a light in you that I wanted desperstely for you to see in yourself. As much as you might not believe you do, you deserve that love. I will remember whatever we were, whatever connection we held and the lessons you taught me right until the end for the rest of my days.

this morning i watched him simply turn to his mother, "oh yeah did i tell you about the bin" - a source of financial frustrations for him. and that brief moment, that opportunity and ability to turn to someone and say hey, heres this thing at a drop of a hat. i really yearn for that. most if not all of my current connecrions eith people are totally false. theres no substance or genuine care. theres just this surface level like you dont want to see a dog withiut water but youre not going to adopt the dog. lately ive felt extremely isolated - i dont know if its even worth talking about. i dot know if talking about it will solve it or make it easier. i guess i think abiut this one tidbit of advice his mother got, its about creating and living in a new normal. what was once normal for you is over and you have to create a new normal for you. so my new normal is spending a lot of time alone. even if i worked, perhaps itd bother me less because id be distracted and tired and that in itself is sad. no matter what there is an extreme looming sadness. why the fuck does any of this matter, why do i care - why should i go on? whats the purpose of going on? what do i have besides the belief thst "everything is out there for me" as if i magixally decided to hibernste and ignore what opportunities i had available. i am a god damn termite to people. im just like.. this thing that hovers around and sucks your resources but you feel bad for it so you let it go. lately ive noticed the air of desperstion i carry. i want to be around people. i want to care and be cared for. i want to be active in someones life and have someone message me and ask me whats up on a regular basis and just.. you kbow, care. but the more i want it the more people have turned away. i offer everything for it laid out in front of me - my house, my food, what little money i have, the opportunities i manage to come up with - i just keep offering it all out so i can have it in return. or maybe just a portion of it. i believe im worthy of love. i dont live in such a state of depression; i have a variety of interests, i hold good conversations about politics and life and philosophy, i am creatively ralented and my domestic skills are top notch as are my hosting skills. i am worthy of love. but i am not receiving it. i am inherently shielded from love. like its sketchy and gross. like im a diseased animal. maybe they want to love me but they cant because im a person who cant be loved. i want to go out and do things with people but i am not invited. i dont even think its a personal thing, i think they coukd even think i wont have the means or care to be involved. sometimes i dont. but im never asked out for a coffee or a drink. my friendships come by happenstance, as they always have, and thoee hwppenstance friendships have never lasted. why am i never asked oto do interesting or fun things? not even free things? im isolated and im constantly constantly constantly reaching out for something. just wow, thank you for talking to me. like i have to beg people to hang out, double, triple check they didnt forget and once im there they busy themselves with anything but a direct connection to me. i watched this right to die documentary. it was focused towards mental and unseen health issues and the argument was made that perhaos in sone of these cases, if they expended as much energy tryi to help them live as they did helping them die, the might actully not want to die. but i think society ca be like that. they would rather help you die, little by little, piece by piece, than expend the energy to help you live. i realized i am very different from others thiugh. people tend to accept a very small amount of "help" as sonething large and amazing that they did. they donated, had a coffee eith a friend whos been down for months, did a birthday psrty gig cheap etc. but i would literally accept them into my house right now and bathe them and feed them and give them my clothes and make them a bed and listen to them cry for hours endlessly. this is without question. all they have to do is ask. maybe not even ask - ill offer if i think theyy could use it. because it hurts me not to. i feel really anxiously guilty and it will be invasive to my life knowing i didnt give everything i couldve to a person i thiught needed help that i had grown a bond eith. THATS how ive been walked on for a long time. i alloeed it, maybe asked for it, because i believe in helping. i know how bad life is. i live in the trenches of it. i dont want to see another person suffer the same way. i think id gut myself and give a kidney to someone i loved. life is too hard and i feel too much. once you know what true loneliness is, it really changes you as a person. it changes and shifts your perspective and at times i feel like i want to be the most genrrous person, thst im moved by suffering but at other times i am bitter. absolutrly bitter towards the world around me. why is there suffering and why is it sonlarge you cant do anythint abiut it. why could i say every person i know is "crazy" - no one is crazy . everyone truly is exactly the way they needed o be to survive this long. they developed their own coping skills and theyre more than likelt a total inconvinience to everyone else. which makes it "crazy" i was called neurotic. im not crazy, im neurotic. why am i bothered. why. why do i care. i dont care. thats the problem. i "care" because my environment forced me not to care to a point that everything is utterly futile. i cannot find a purpose to care. i dont care about having things. i dont. i barely care about eating. i barely care about affording smokes. these are things i "want" at rhe very least and nothing pushes me for it. nothing gets me up and solving these problems. nothing makes me feel like any of this is important eniugh to have and experience and be. why? in the end , theres nothing. i cannot get over the pure nothingness ahead of me. thats reqllt driving my anxiety. to me, i see nothing. i dont see myself with this job or career i want to be apart of, actively socializing and existing, i dont see myself living in an apartment or basement or shack or trailer, i dont see a family, no children, no reliability, no stability. is it my environment. is it the people i know. is it my city. is it the country. how do i solve this. what can i do to create purpose? i went out, i joined clubs, i put on shows, i picked up hobbies, i met new people, worked new gigs, experienced new romances but to what purpose. what do i do now. how do i enjot life? i admired his ability to enjoy life as is. like he takes joy in small things and everything is meaningful and worth value. he created purpose in his work and drive. he still does. i want that. at the very least. start small, right? i want to find wonder and joy in my world. i want to feel what he feels; going hiking, bike riding, buileing things, playing games, friendships - theres just like accomplishment in it. i try to implement this, regularly. i really try. a d being poor makes it easy because you learn to appreciate things alot more. i am so grateful for the ability to have what i have. and i create these scenarios and try to appreciate its novelty, i guess. like painting in an artists studio in a gallery. it should be an experience, something creative and inspiring. but no matter how hard i try to shine the experience, its nothing more than a gsthering space for fuck ups. i hate it. i hate it but how do i change it and what do i want. what do i want so i know the path to take for it. i willingly try new things with ease becahse i hope itll be the thing. something will click and this will be it but im 27 yrs old and ive had many experiences thst led to nothing. always nothing. and i grasp. i like cats. maybe ill work in a pet store. but thats crazy, a pet store is mearly retail and retail is nothing more than stocking shelves and talking to people. othing to do with cats. do i go to school? do i dedicate my being for the welfare of cats? is it that important to my life? do i cook? professionally? what about baking? a greenhouse? floral designer? "just get -a- job". fine. fine. fine. get -a- job, but then what? i can eat but i have no desire to. i can buy nice things, go places - have no desire to. fantastic, im not a burden to anyone - the real goal. but i have nothing. and its so hard, so fucking hard to comprehend nothing when you know something. i never imagined the reality of nothing on such a level. ever. i knew it would come, but the heavy reality of it is something i never couldve known. so no one understands having a tangible "something" and feeling nothing. what is a nice house. what is a nice car. what is luxury and why does it matter and why dont i feel the same way about it? its nice, its easy, its beautiful- i see it. but why doesnt it make me feel the same way it does him and my exs and my friends. why dont i care? i think.. 5 hours ahead of me, really. i try to think a day or so ahead but i never go through with anything i think ill do a day from now. who knows what will happen. who knows if i get an opportunity for honest interacrion, who knows if i earn money - but i know in five hours ill still be here. ill probably want weed. ill probably want food. maybe ill be tired and sleep early or nap until someone bothers to acknowledge me. maybe they wont, but thatll be for me in five hours to deal with and itll start over again. working paycheck to paycheck is nothing like living hour to hour. i am in the absolute worst position of my life, bar none. i have never been so bad off, so depressed, so hopeless for such a long period of time. i am totally lost. always. j

"you know, its a good thing. honestly, its good that you see your value even if you dont see it in other places atleast youre seeing it in your intimate relationship. like this is a difference in you - no one prompted this. i didnt say anything to you. i dont think anyone else said anything. you just thought about it and decided on it. thats a really good thing" thank you, friend. because this is a really valid point that makes all the difference and i might not have seen that. for the first time, honestly, im not crazy. like im not questioning my belief as crazy or delusional. i know i dont like this and therefore its wrong. its not 'is this okay' - its not. and now im fed up. and i became quietly fed up. like i just sat on it and sat on it and never spoke about it to anyone. i dont ponder these thougbts with people. i just drive myself crazy thinking about it. because i know it doesnt matter now. i used to think it matter. i used to think that maybe someone knew more or better than i did. maybe i was just sooo dumb and useless that i dont "get it". so i fell in line to what others thought was best. whatever they said, i did. and i would try to seek a certain approval of my own ways so that i could justify believing other people knowing they really didnt know any better than i do. its a really fucked uo pattern thats like just shitty low self esteem. but heres the thing - i gained so much from him. like he completely changed my world view. not who i am but my world view and he gave me, honest to god, the path into humanity. like i also justified my own weakness of not taking more initiative to understand people and thus not feel abhorred by them and continue my cycle of low self esteem. seeing him be the person he is - not because hes great. hes not fucking great. he is legit not great at all. hes not "the best". hes like.. pretty good. okay on a regular basis. but he has a very unique personality and self awareness that mirrors my own in some ways and seeing it play out as an outsider and learning to love this person has allowed me to gain more love for myself. he is weird as shit. hes so fucking weird. i will almost hope to never meet someone as weird as him again because i dont like the odds of humanity turning out someone so weird and not being harmful in some way. but he is confidently weird. and i feel like he might not even be weird at all - hes transparent. hes totally see thriugh and humans are closed off and private and secluded but he speaks free on everything. everything. i have not met a single person like him before and slowly in my own social life away from him ive gained confidence to just be me. like more me than ive been before in an open and honest way. like just speaking freely and backing up what i believe and allowing the world to just be around me. and as people just let me fjcking be - just let me exist as the shitty person i am, each day ive gotten better. ljke im talking sitting on a couch all day no shower not eating chain smoking to getting up and going out to see people and cleaning my house and showering and eating. he didnt do this for me at all but knowing him allowed me o be free enough to discover my own way. like im starting to feel like the bum ive been for a long time but more in like a wow im pretty fed up with myself even. like damnnn. maybe im starting to wake up. maybe the fucking drugs are working and im like well im good so fuck the drugs like all naive assholes. but i dont know. i guess well find out on this awesome rollercoaster of my life. but i feel like im starting to wake back into life. ljke i was dead already, ive been dead and life is moving aeound me and i am a poltergeist . he knew it all along. im just a ghost haunting him. im already dead. but im not really. i have the ability to resurrect and i think i should be grateful that i can. im close to not being able to but i can. so like.. i said it. i said it but not to him but to him and he would know. like i always remember how he freaked out and posted about his ex owing him money multiole times in a row on facebook. he felt super justified in it and never back tracked. and listen - this is already wrong. were on two wrongs. of course its stupid to post anything like that on facebook. but he felt free enough to do it and i want to enjoy that same freedom without worry as well. he kept and keeps repeating that certain things are a waste of his time. and thats suuuuuuper funny to me. like on a shitty i dont even give a fuck anymore level. you know whats a waste of time? A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT REASON. holy fuck. nine months of just... WHAT EVEN IS THIS. HELLO. fuck me, im just like a girl who goes around his place and watches him play video games and sleeps at his house and smokes his weed. thats it. im not even his girlfriend honestly. like that describes exactlt our relarionship because he does nothing for me on a regular basis. nothing at all. so i spend a large portion of my time with a guy who DOESNT EVEN GIVE A FUCK and you want to talk about a waste of fucking time? "its not even that serious of a thing" then you dont even know. you dont even know. but you wouldnt. thats what ill have to work on. he wouldnt know anything about this because i dont talk about it. i mean, if im asked, im bluntly honest about it but i dont talk about it to him or anyone. so he wouldnt think it wasnt "serious". its about texting. its about "spending time together" its about whatever but its about THIS POINTLESS ASS ASSOCIATION WITH HIM. who the fuck are you to my life? like i cant even say hes my friend. i cant say hes my boyfriend. i settled into "the guy im seeing". becahse i dont know how important he should be to give him a fucking name in my story. are you a main character or secondary? and if youre the latter why the fuck you enjoying the benefits of a main? but again - repetition. i cleared this blog out of the earliest entries and you know what? they were all "what the fuck is this". nine months of what the fuck is this. i guess im done being romantic and being like all dreamy about this rogue guy having a life with me. now im like weve been fucking for nine months and created nothing but awkward conversarion between each other. heres the thing. i knew i was desperate. i knew that i pressed hard on fuckboy becahse i was desperste to return to confort and stability of a relationship and living together. i knew that. ive been sooooo careful and sooo insecure about seeming that way again. this may have been one of the first adult ways i went about doing something and im just... NINE MONTHS. holy fuck dude. how casual is nine months. you shouldve left four to five months ago and were still fucking. like he doesnt know what i want in life. like he honest to god thinks im just chilling and living wjthout cause. my god. im fucking old. im sorry. ill be 37 and laugh at myself now but im comfortable with the fact at 27 i realized i wanted true love. i wanted familial love. i wanted a partner in life. more than sex, more than a convinience or simple comfort. more than money, more than drugs. im not looking for a reason to change but i would accept one if it gave me things that were of higher priority and emotionally rewarding to my being. like why should i stop smoking weed when its one of the few things i legitmatelt enjoy? why should i stop smoking at all? why should i work my ass off at a full time job to come home to mt cats? this relationship gives me no purpose. a close intimate relarionshio jn my life gives me no purpose, no reason to get up in the morning other than seeing their face. which is ljke seeing a poster on tbe wall or hearing your fav song. its like an empty enjoyment that fades pretty quick because it gives you nothing deep. i guess im sad that this is life. like im not going to put that on him. i did that with an ex already. like its his fault life has these turns and people chanve and do things and become things. its no ones fault its just a depressing fact everyone lives with. people just come and go and in the end itll be me on my couch typing on a broken phone and smoking weed with my cats. im not depressed. like not anymore than i would be. and whats crazy is i was sober and pissed and got high and continued to be just as pissed because i cant even smoke away the anxious uncertainty. its not about fucking texting. its not a waste of time, youve just made it a waste of time. i didnt go to a party that i was onvited to today. i had a ride too. but ljke.. i knew that id be focused on this and be distracted and burnt out and wnting to go home. i was already on the fence about it anyways. i knew there would be hard drugs there and people drinking and honestly, im better than that now. i really am. i can hang out with these people but i dont need to party with them. its really okay. they can do what they like at their parties and as long as im not putting myself into it, i dont have to care. so its okay. im playing on it more that i didnt go out of anger. its really for the best. i told him i would be coming to get my keys tomorrow in the morning. and like.. i want to. and maybe ill wake uo feeling totally different but in my tired stoned state at 2am i feele more like maybe i wont. like it is important to me. and now that ive made a big deal out of it, i probably should. but like.. thats not really my point. i sent him this... kind of sassy message that basically implied that he was careless for not trying to get my keys to me when hes acting like a jerk and that he wouldnt even know about any of my issues for wanting the keys because he doesnt even know what ive done this week besides fucking laundry at his house because he definitelt hasnt given a shit enough about me to ask at all. like how are you smothered by someone you dont really know about. like youre literally not involved in my life unless i tell you one tidbit of it. like i dont talk to him. ive completely huddled uo in myself now. and i kind of wanted to see if i was deljsional and kept track if he asked me about myself. he never did. NOT ONE TIME. like thats why im stuck on it. how can you feel so overwhelmed as if im literally just peckinf at you lkke an annoying bird or something and you dont see me, speak to me or know anythinf about me. ljke he acts as though im just sending him shit over and over and consrantlt barraging him and im not. at all. the onlt way i could would be by sending one word messages. so this is very delusional on his part and other people would have no problem receiving a message from me. but the keys. id rather just not show up. just remain quiet for the day. but i have no weed and nothing else to do so im not sure what else i would do. i dont even know if that means anything either. ljke oo give me my keys and then i dont even show up for them. who cares, he still gets what he wants. like fuck me lets just end this. its been ruined. it takes both of us to untangle this mess and hes not doing his part so its just ruined. in my head not going to get my keys is like, "oh wow how unlike her to not follow through with something like this i wonder why she didnt come and what shes doing instead" but like its probablt more, "lol dumb bitch cries about keys and doesnt even get them" but at like 9pm at night when he finally realizes i never got them. i legit dont think he cares. its a waste of my time to try and think like ~why is he doing this. i dont care. theres nothing ive done to deserve this and to have no fucking point to now arguing about the ability to hang out? fuck off. ive deserved more. like i deserved a reply to my request for keys. just like a "youre right you can get the keys x" even if im penaljzed for not getting them when i was doing laundry -fine. but lkke.. reply to my fucking message. im not asking some inane bullshit. im asking abiut shit i fucking own outright. i deserve a god damn response when he wastes my fucking time calling about shit HE OWNS in his own fjcking house. like my god. theyre fucking keys. appease me even. laugh at it and tell me theyre in your mailbox. like holy shit, its not even hard to be a dick about that and you sit on no response? its not even a malicious thing. ive explained it even to his mother that its safety now. and hes rrying to impede my fucking safety. like go be you. be you all damn day but you being you doesnt include me so give me back my fucking keys. no one is arguing the being you part. no one is impeding or invading the ability to be you. but being an asshole about it - choosing to ignore it, thats impeding me being me. and i can be me as much as you can be you and i guess im sorry these are rhe consequences. like i try to even think of a reason why hes avoided my mentions of it. like why? you know what i want. what reason do you need to hold on to keys you never even use? what do you think im doing? ljke.. is it ljke im trying to clean up before offing myself? do i have a secret lover im movinf in and need keys for? am i offending his sejbilities of being my care giver by telling him hes not doing a good job? like he was offended by the thought that me saying or being in a huff about him not driving me somewhere meant that he didnt do anything or was being a bad boyfriend. so is this like in his mind some big insult to him and hes not even going to respond to it. like its just soo ridiculous to him hes just going to ignore it? simple fucking quesrion. so fucking simple. but hours of waiting. hours and hours. its 3 now and i want to say ill still be mad but i probably wont be mad enoufb to walk to his house. i want to be. but i guess i just need some depression days rifht now. i am doing good. and im still doing good and feeling down about these things is okay.