#its my favorite book but its also TERRIBLE for my mental health it gave me the worst breakdowns and triggered me so badly i dont know oit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nitpick7 · 3 years

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Ayo anyone wanna see my essay on why removing Anybody Have A Map made the Dear Evan Hansen movie worse? It is slightly long

Disclaimer: I did like the movie (I cried three times), but I think they made some stupid decisions with it.

Dear Evan Hansen movie + musical spoilers under the cut, plus a fair amount of DEH neg/crit

Instead of Anybody Have A Map, they just have Evan's mom say "Hey are you writing those letters to yourself? Also you should ask the kids to sign your cast" before he goes to school and sings Waving Through A Window. They ignore every other part of the song and quickly insert the only thing from the song that's absolutely needed to understand the story so Evan can go be angsty at school. We don't even meet the Murphys until they meet Evan in the principal's office to tell him about Connor.

Disclaimer part 2 electric boogaloo: I complain about Evan a lot here. It's not because I think his experiences aren't valid and it's not because I'm trying to demonize people with mental illnesses or something. I know that his own struggles influenced his bad decisions. That doesn't mean they weren't bad decisions. He still did shitty things and he wasn't justified (listen to Words Fail), but I know it was influenced by his mental health.

On with the complaining!

First of all, the movie opens with Waving Through A Window? It feels like they're putting the most popular song first as a desperate grab for your attention to convince you the movie is good and like... they really didn't need to do that. Waving Through A Window is right after Anybody Have A Map, it's not like anyone's gonna walk out of the theatre after one (really good) song.

Anybody Have A Map establishes a few things: it shows us that both of these families are struggling so that we know immediately that the Murphys' perfect facade is fake, it shows us that Connor was a dick to his family (this is very important), and obviously it tells us why Evan was writing letters to himself. It also introduces us to the two main families at the same time so we know this story isn't just about Evan.

By starting the movie with an Evan solo song instead of the group song, they frame Evan as the one main character, the only person whose perspective we need to understand. But Evan is incredibly flawed, just like everyone else, and by making us think the story is only about him, it immediately makes us (the audience) more inclined to believe that Evan is always in the right and less inclined to consider everyone else's side of the story. Evan is an incredibly unreliable narrator, he's always going to frame his actions as correct, or at least excusable, even when he's actively hurting/lying to other people.

All of the Murphys get introduced through interacting with Evan instead of interacting with each other. This makes it seem like the Murphys only exist for Evan, but the entire point of the climax is that everything doesn't exist just for Evan! Evan is not part of their family, he can't just use everyone around him for his own benefit, and all of the Murphys have lives outside of him. When they're introduced through Evan, they're introduced as existing for Evan. Anybody Have A Map introduces them separately from Evan instead of attached to him.

Without Anybody Have A Map, we never actually see Connor being mean to Zoe, so she just looks like an asshole for not being sad about her dead brother. To make up for it, she's constantly having to tell the audience why she hated him, tripping over herself to talk about all the shitty things he did to her because we don't have Anybody Have A Map to show us their interactions. Zoe ends up complaining about her brother the entire time, so when it gets to Only Us and she says that she doesn't want everything to be about her brother, it seems out of character for her.

And with the removal of Anybody Have A Map, we don't ever see Connor interact with his own family in the movie. Anybody Have A Map is the only time we get to see Connor with his family. It shows us that Connor really was an asshole to his family, it justifies Zoe hating him, and it gives his mom more dimensions by showing her struggling to keep her family together even with everyone fighting against her. Without that, the writers ended up ignoring the most basic piece of writing advice - "show, don't tell" - to fill in the missing information from the song.

In the movie, all we get of Cynthia Murphy is... her being sad about Connor and refusing to admit that he ever did anything wrong. She's just boring and annoying in the movie, but in the musical, we get that bit at the beginning that shows her as an actual person with actual motivations! By cutting Anybody Have A Map, they made her into a more one-dimensional character.

So in a bit of a conclusion: Anybody Have A Map establishes the Murphys as main characters separate from Evan and shows us Connor's relationship with his family instead of telling us about it. It sets the scene for the story before just jumping into "Evan is sad and alone uwu anxious depressed soft boy" and makes everyone a better, more three-dimensional character. Getting rid of it meant that they had to do backflips to justify everyone's decisions during the movie instead of setting everything up at the beginning.

I do think the movie could've benefitted from Disappear but then again, it could've benefitted from the whole "Connor being the visual/vocal representation of Evan's justifications for why keeping up the lie is helping people" thing in general, but they got rid of that so Disappear wouldn't have worked. (I am salty that they got rid of that thing but whatever) The Anonymous Ones worked instead and it was a good song, so sure, why not I guess? /neutral

I could also complain about how they got rid of To Break In A Glove, Disappear, and Good For You, but none of those decisions actually impacted the story too much. To Break In A Glove and Good For You both got replaced with some tell-not-show cutscenes that gave us the same information in a less interesting way (and Larry got less character development without To Break In A Glove), and Disappear got replaced with an Alana song which was honestly pretty good so i'm fine with that one.

Now for some good changes that the movie made!

The Anonymous Ones was a good song, I actually really liked that. I'm disappointed that they got rid of Disappear, but they replaced it with another song that served the same purpose while also giving Alana more screen time and character depth! And it was a genuinely good song, I really enjoyed it and it made me like Alana more!

I really liked the ending of the movie. In the musical, there are literally no negative consequences for Evan, Zoe even forgives him at the end. She fucking forgives him for lying to her entire family about their dead son and and taking advantage of them because it "brought them closer together". And the internet never finds out what he did! He does all this terrible shit, lies to the entire fucking world, and gets away scot-free. And he never learns anything real about Connor. The movie changes all of that.

Connor's song was also a great addition! Every time we saw Connor in the musical, he was either being a dick or he was a fantasy version of himself made by Evan and/or Jared. Seeing that Connor can, in fact, be a nice person, that Cynthia's belief in him wasn't misplaced, was so satisfying. He really was just a meaner version of Evan a troubled kid lashing out at the world in self-defense. He wasn't an entirely bad person.

The Murphys still decide not to tell anyone what he did, but then Evan decides (on his own!) that he needs to own up to what he did. He records a video of himself admitting to what he did, shifts all the blame to himself, and then goes out of his way to fix his mistakes in any way he can. He says that his biggest regret is not getting to know Connor while he had the chance, so he goes online to find anything he can. He reads Connor's favorite books, tries to find anyone who might be able to tell him what Connor was like, and when he receives a video of Connor playing his song in rehab, he takes the time to send the video (through the mail, on a flash drive) to the Murphys, Jared, and Alana.

Evan doesn't contact Zoe at the end, she contacts him instead. She doesn't forgive him, and he doesn't ask for forgiveness. He knows what he did was wrong and he owns up to it and tries to fix it as much as possible, knowing full well that it could ruin his life. He does the right thing for the first time in the entire fucking movie (that's hardly even an exaggeration) and it's such a good ending. It makes more sense and is more satisfying than the musical.

The Dear Evan Hansen movie was not nearly as bad as the reviews say it was. It wasn't as good as the musical, it had its own problems, but it also made some good changes that I think made the story better. It wasn't perfect, but I enjoyed it and most movies aren't perfect anyway. It really could've benefitted from Anybody Have A Map, though.

#the first draft of this took 50 minutes to write and it was on discord #then i spent a solid hour editing it while at work #please appreciate me /hj #pie.txt #dear evan hansen #dear evan hansen movie #dear evan hansen musical #dear evan hansen review #evan hansen #connor murphy #zoe murphy #cynthia murphy #larry mora #alana beck #i tagged a post for once now give me clout #/j /j

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jebazzled · 3 years

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it ain’t your muse! (shut up & write, ft. rihanna)

You nerds are always talking about your muse. My muse this, my muse that, I have no muse, my muse went the way of the dinosaurs, if my muse comes out of its burrow and sees its shadow I won’t be able to write for six weeks.

Shut up about your fucking muse!

It is true that you might go through periods where it is hard to find time and energy to write, or negative experiences in a writing community might leave you with anxiety surrounding writing. But by and large, writers block is something you can overcome!

Please, for the love of god, let me help you.

Writing is a muscle, and you’ve got to exercise it if you don’t want it to atrophy.

This tutorial is a bit of tough love about y’all and y’all’s diddly-darn muses, and some advice for snapping yourself out of it!

So here’s the thing about writing, my loves. You have to actually do it.

TERRIBLY inconvenient, I know.

I’m not here to tell you how to manage your work-life balance or how to manage your time. If you’re not writing much because you straight up don’t have time to write much, my advice is simple: pare down on your characters, focus on the plots that matter most to you, and spend some mental health juice on reminding yourself that there isn’t an RP Prom Queen, and even if there were, it’s better not to live or die by that bizarro crown.

But if you’re having trouble writing because of Your Muse... I’m cracking my knuckles.

We’ve all written with folks before - or been that folk before - who need a very specific set of circumstances if they’re going to write: they need time to Pinterest, need to listen to a specific playlist, need to get in the mindset, need the thread to scratch a very specific itch and need all of it to come together before the moon passes out of a waxing gibbous. As a fellow dev ho, I understand the appeal of writing to suit a mood, of vibing to a playlist, of prioritizing the stuff you’re going fucking feral for, of having the stars align while you do the thing. But if you’re like this when you’re writing for other people -

well, you’re making things difficult for both you and your writing partners! We can’t control the external constraints on our time, e.g. work and school, and we can’t always control the nonsense our psychology spins to keep us from writing. But some things are within our control, and by god, if there is any control to be had in the year of Mother Sappho 2021, don’t you want it?

At least some of your writers block is probably dumb as hell. So let’s beat the shit out of that part.

Anyway, if you’re yakking on and on about how your muse demands a bottle of red wine and a scented candle and fairy lights and soft socks and the blood of the servant, willfully given in order to spit out 200 words, or whatever...

it’s not that fucking deep.

Writing is a muscle. It’s like any other muscle: you need to exercise it.

If you’re training for a 5k, you don’t sit on your couch listening to “Eye of the Tiger” until race day. You get your ass off the cushion and pound the pavement. You probably start by alternating walks with short bursts of running. You probably don’t work your way up to actually running 5k at a time for a few weeks. And once you’ve run that first 5k, you don’t go sit on your couch to listen to “Eye of the Tiger” until the next race. You keep running to stay in shape for the next race.

Writing is like that.

What you write does not have to be perfect.

You can work on the post for six weeks and there will still be things you could change. You know what change your writing partner would have appreciated most? If you’d posted it for them three weeks ago. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.

Cut yourself the same slack you cut for your writing partners. Do you yearn to keelhaul them if their reply isn’t worth a National Book Award? No, because you’re not an asshole. They’re also not an asshole. Everyone is reasonable here. Write something that responds to what they gave you and that gives them something to work with. Not every single post has to be capital-I Inspired. ✨

What you write does not have to be a vibe ready for the Goop newsletter.

I was a creative writing major in college, and I was always having to turn stuff in for class that wasn’t exactly what I wanted to work on: a short story set in another country when I just wanted to write a play with puppets, an essay about food when I would rather write one about a weekend drive, etc.

Sometimes, you write what you write when you write it not because it’s getting you hot and bothered but because you’ve owed a reply for A While and you feel bad about keeping someone waiting. It will still be fun, because you chose to do that thread with your character and someone else’s character for a reason, and that reason stands, even if your monkey brain is yearning to play with that slime that makes fart noises when you put it away.

(Pro tip, here: don’t do threads you don’t actually have any interest in writing! It is less awkward to tell someone, “I am not interested in my character weed whacking your character’s lawn” than to waste their time with 10 posts of it before telling them, “I am not interested in my character weed whacking your character’s lawn.”)

The more you write, the easier it is.

Let’s talk about running again. A couple of years ago, I went on a bit of a kick with the running. I ran at least three times a week. I would bring my running shit with me to work so I could run in the park near my office. I would make running dates with friends. I would reward myself with a bagel from my favorite cafe if I did a run. And you know what? Once I got myself past the hurdle of pulling on my running clothes and lacing up my shoes, I enjoyed myself. When I ran 5k without slowing to a walk, I was proud of myself. When I told myself, “let’s do another loop at the park!” and stopped to take a photo of the sunset, I enjoyed myself. I would not have enjoyed myself if I hadn’t hit the goddamn pavement.

Put your ass in your fucking chair. I don’t care if you don’t have the right scented candle. Write 50 words. Right fucking now. I’ll wait.

Write another 50.

Now write another 100.

How long did that take you? Some days, it might take you 90 minutes to write 200 words. But that’s 200 more words than you would have written in 90 minutes of browsing Pinterest waiting for an angel to come down from heaven and write this post for you.

All that bullshit you do to Feed Your Muse? It’s stalling, you idiot.

The more you make yourself write instead of just thinking about writing, the easier it will be to actually fucking write.

I used to sit and stare at posts for hours and hours and hours before submitting them, so worried about the post being good enough. When I moved to a neighborhood with an aboveground train line, I was able to write on my morning commute, and writing every morning - even if only the 200 words I could crank out on mobile in 30 minutes before work - got me out of my weird writers block crutches and security blankets. It didn’t take as much effort to write, anymore. I wrote over 200,000 words in 2019, and over 300,000 words in 2020, when I had barely any commute at all to use on writing. I didn’t magically have endless hours of free time. I just wasn’t wasting my free time pretending that being on Tumblr counted as writing.

Tough love: doled out. And now:

TIPS & TRICKS FOR BEATING “””Writers Block”””

Stop acting like Writers Block is real. It’s not that it’s not real, but by telling yourself that you have Writers Block, you’re making it worse for yourself. You’re making excuses for yourself. I used Writers Block to stall writing my Topics in Creative Writing: Folktales portfolio for 3 months, and you know what happened? I still had to turn in the fucking portfolio, because the person I was writing for didn’t fucking care about my fucking Writers Block. And you know who had to sit her ass in a chair and write 30 pages of folktales in a 24 hour period? Me. It’s almost like my Writers Block was just PROCRASTINATION.

Set a timer. If you’re looking at your list of replies owed and you’re feeling like it might be easier to “do character dev” and “build a playlist” than to write your posts, break the task into smaller pieces. If your server has a sprint bot, use it. If not, set your own timer. Organize your list of threads with the ones you’ve owed replies on the longest at the top. Set your timer for 20 minutes and see how much you can write for the oldest post you owe. Not done? Set the timer for another 20 minutes. Keep setting that timer until that post is done and you can drop it in the tags channel. Now do the same for the second oldest. CRANK! THEM! OUT! If you find that it’s depleting your creative energy, that’s not unusual! When I get to this point in my own posting habits, my oldest replies owed are usually for Albus Dumbledore, a character I write specifically because I hate him. It is often easier to knock out all his posts in one chunk rather than shift voice, so this ends up working out nicely.

Don’t indulge your stupid stalling tactics. Do you typically get sidetracked by Pinterest? Put your phone away and close that tab. Do you get absorbed in lining up the perfect music for writing a post? Write in silence, asshole. Do you need to be in your favorite chair with the right lighting? Go sit on a park bench and write on mobile. It’s nice to write in idealized environments. I rented a treehouse last summer to write 10k on a novel! I get it! But you absolutely can write in other environments, if you have to. And if you can get yourself to write on a dark skin on your iPad at an airport in the Midwest while waiting for a flight - well, shit, think of how much you’ll be able to write on a laptop when your diva ass demands are properly met!

Don’t take on shit you don’t want to write. I fully admit that these tactics feel a bit like homework/chores/a to-do list for what is of course a fun hobby. You know how they say “love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life?” If you don’t take on plots, characters, and threads that don’t have a lick of interest or excitement for you, this shit won’t feel like a hassle.

Hope this whips all you little miscreants (myself included) into shape! Now quit your yapping and start writing.

#rp guides #resources #writing resources #on writing #stop trying to make writers block happen. it's not going to happen.

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fleckcmscott · 4 years

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Bewitching Hour

Summary: October has been a blissfully busy month. With Halloween around the corner, Arthur and Y/N have some planning to do.

Warnings: Swearing

Words: 4,665

A/N: Special thanks to @hhandley80 for this request! You've been so supportive and sweet. I truly appreciate you and hope you enjoy it!

On a side note, my oneshots will be more sporadic. I'm still writing but life has been life. Also, I've finished the first draft of another multi-chapter featuring Arthur and Y/N. It's going to take time to rewrite the subsequent drafts and edit, edit, edit. The chapters will go up once the story is ready. Thanks for your patience and support! 🙂 I heart you all!

If you have any thoughts or questions, please comment, feel free to message me, or send me an ask!

Arthur's suggestion that they make plans to celebrate Halloween should not have been a surprise. He loved starting traditions with Y/N, and she prized adopting them with him. "It's been awhile," he'd said as they'd walked arm-in-arm to the laundromat. "I think it'd be nice."

Holidays had been a source of merriment most of her life. The beauty of red and green decorations at Christmas. Turkey and mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving. An egg hunt and chocolate rabbit at Easter. The togetherness of family during them all.

Halloween, though, wasn't a favorite.

As a child, she'd had fun trick-or-treating, riding her bike from house to far-flung house. And she hadn't minded escorting her little sister as a teenager. Y/N's homemade witch costume had been passed down. She could still recall the sleekness of the ribbon between her fingers as she'd secured the pointed hat under Mabel's chin.

But the magic had fallen away. When married to Jeff, she'd had to attend his boss's annual party. After receiving an apologetic shrug and kiss, she'd be relegated to hanging out with the other wives. They'd included her in their recipe swaps, in their exchanges of mild gossip. Her natural friendliness made chit-chat easy, far easier than having a good time. Those evenings had been spent nursing a glass of wine and willing the clock to go faster.

During the period she'd cared for her father, she'd tried to hand out candy. She liked being a good neighbor and imparting kindness in the form of bite-sized sweets. As his health had declined, the porch light had gone dark. Random rings of the doorbell would result in shouting and swearing. Repeated attempts to explain the door's lock wasn't broken. Festivity would transform into drudgery. It hadn't been worth the trouble. Instead, she'd watched terrible TV specials while her thoughts wandered to a future far from Boonville. A future she'd doubted would ever be.

"I don't know if it's your thing," Arthur had continued, bringing her back to the present. "But you might enjoy it with me." The response he longed for was evident in the worrying of his pocket, outlines of his knuckles visible through the tan cloth.

Everything they'd experienced together had soothed the sting of those wasted years. The hesitancy lurking in her was silly. Unwelcome. Less than either of them deserved. She'd met his keen eyes and half-smile. The sudden mental image of him dressed as a cowboy or pirate, eyepatch and all, prompted a laugh. Convinced her as she dug out her dry-cleaning stub. "It isn't my thing," she'd said. "But you are."

Relief had relaxed his wrinkles, save for his crows feet, which had deepened as he'd returned her happy expression. A slender arm wrapped around her waist, drew her against his solid frame. Once the clerk disappeared through the swinging doors to retrieve their clothes, Arthur grasped her chin and kissed her. The tender explorations were soon sloppy, and she'd giggled, his enthusiasm becoming her own. Their noses had met, his lashes resting on his wide cheekbones. "I think you're the sweetest treat, Mrs. Fleck."

Currently, Donahue's Department Store, Gotham's number one retail emporium (if the ads were to be believed), was bustling with last-minute shoppers. Weary mothers escorted their babbling children through the aisles. Clerks swapped out displays for the changing blue light specials. Lines went for yards. Patricia and Y/N sought refuge at a corner table in the café on the top floor. The warm glow from the pendant lamps provided a relaxed ambience, one that matched the hot cider and pumpkin spice cake they were savoring.

"I've got my grandson on Sunday," Patricia said between bites. "My daughter's going to a party with a medical records tech from Gotham General. Met him when she missed the bus. They split a cab and hit it off." Chuckling, she lifted her mug. "Speaking of, how's married life been so far?"

Memories of the past week quickened Y/N's heart, until she thought it might stop. How Arthur had gripped her replacement Social Security card, just to read her new name. The way he'd grab her for a twirl whenever they were in the kitchen. The reverence in his gaze when they'd lay together after sex, a look that both thrilled and made her blush. "The bills for his medication and appointments will no longer make us cringe," she deadpanned. She lowered her fork. "When we met, I was kind of blindsided - I'm not the type to fall in love quickly." The corners of her lips tugged up. "Being married to Arthur feels like a habit. A habit I should have learned twenty years ago."

"I'm glad you found each other." Patricia reached across the light brown table and covered Y/N's hand, gave it a squeeze. Then she wiped frosting from her mouth and nodded in the direction of the escalator. "Now let's find a costume that'll drive him nuts."

Beyond the colorful cosmetics and pungent perfume counters, they sorted through racks of vinyl smocks and plastic masks. Pop culture icons and princesses. Vampires and spooks. Knockoffs of classic movie monsters. Most were poorly made and decidedly uninteresting. Y/N pawed through accessories in a nearby basket, a cigar here, a patched hat there. "How about a hobo? I could steal Arthur's tie."

"This was his idea. Give him something a little exciting." After a roll of Y/N's eyes, Patricia held out a plastic display bag. "Found it."

The white font on its blue label declared she should "Create a unique look!" A woman in a leopard-print leotard and bow-tie wore black cat ears and a tail, the only two items included in the set. Y/N's nose wrinkled. "I don't think so, Patricia." She rummaged through another bin and examined a hockey mask. "I don't show a lot of skin."

"You show Arthur." Patricia ignored Y/N's glare, continuing to shove it at her. "Every man loves a woman dressed as a cat. Our next lunch is on me if I'm wrong."

Patricia could be relentless, but Y/N had to admit she was usually right. She arched a brow as she eyed the costume. Maybe she could find a solid body suit instead of animal print. The kit was only $2.98. And her friend had made it a challenge. "You're on. But I'm not wearing a bow-tie." She crossed her arms across her chest and tapped her mouth. "Your turn. Would Robert like you as a French maid or a go-go dancer?"

~~~~~

It was a busy season for performers. Arthur remembered HaHa's talent agency being booked solid for October by the end of August. Myriad functions at nursing homes, parties, and children's organizations took place throughout the city. Amusement Mile had a series of special events, allowing Arthur to work extra hours before the slowness of winter dragged in. Once the holiday was over, he'd buy make-up and props on clearance.

He'd always assumed he would like Halloween - if he'd had the chance to celebrate it properly. It was about connection, something he'd never managed. The customs gave him a pretense, a template to meet people, rather than leaving him wondering how to go about it. Provided a hiding place for his seeming inability to act normal.

Recollections of the day were few but vivid. When he'd been around eight, there'd been a party at school. The teacher had made brownies and given the students a half-hour respite from lessons. (A welcome relief, since he wasn't very good at most of them.) But he hadn't had a costume. Hadn't known how to reply when the other kids asked where it was. Not wanting to be left out, he'd pocketed a watercolor pallet and sneaked to the bathroom.

The teacher (he wished he could remember her name) had walked in as he'd smeared green and blue on his face, a pathetic attempt at a turtle. Fear of punishment had caused his laughter. But her kindness as she knelt, wiped away tears and pigment with a scratchy, brown paper towel, had calmed him. "Wait here," she'd instructed. It had taken all his courage not to run home.

After some minutes, she'd returned, an old white sheet in one hand, black marker and pair of scissors in the other. "The nurse won't miss this." She'd traced eyeholes, helped him cut them out. She'd asked questions. About his mother and what it was like at home. Questions he was at a loss for how to answer. Finally, she'd draped the cloth over his head. "There," she'd declared. "Gotham Elementary has its own ghost."

Even as he'd gotten taller and the sheet no longer went beyond his knees, that costume had remained his go-to. He'd venture out to the rest of his building, knocking on paint-chipped doors and pushing broken buzzers. Having learned to stay away from doors that yelling or funny smells emanated from, he hadn't gotten a lot of candy. What he had collected he'd shared with Penny. The wax lips became a free toy. He wasn't sure his memory of startling his mother and being tickled until he couldn't breathe was real or imagined.

At twelve, he was told he was too old to go trick-or-treating. He'd starting scrounging for change to buy hard candies at Helm's Pharmacy. They weren't particularly appetizing, but they'd been what he could afford. Only a few kids rang, a number that dwindled further every year. Most neighbors kept their distance, likely aware he was troubled. Cinnamon discs and butterscotch drops had loitered around the apartment for months. He'd sucked on them in an attempt to cut down on his smoking, just to save money. It hadn't worked.

Y/N hadn't spoken about the holiday, not the way she had other special occasions. At first, he'd thought it had slipped her mind. Work, planning their honeymoon, completing the red tape required to meld all aspects of their lives had taken up much of their time. But, given her reluctance to talk in detail about her past heartache, he'd come to assume her Halloweens had been unpleasant. He was certain he could change that.

Sitting on the dingy, dark green plastic seat of the train car, he giggled to himself, chest puffing up as he straightened. They'd been man and wife for eight whole days. Movies and songs said love was supposed to be somewhere between serendipitous and fated. A happy accident that was meant to be. Lying awake at night, he would find himself wondering where they were on that scale. If the emotions swirling through him - the excitement of belonging, the fear of fucking up - were what every newlywed felt. Then Y/N would snuggle closer in her sleep, murmur nonsense into his skin, and for a few minutes he'd be at peace.

Years had been spent trying to figure out who he was. Trying to find an identity, his role within the world. While he was still searching, it had been far easier to become accustomed to the role of "husband" than he'd dreamed.

Teaching his wife about events across the city had been a delight. Gotham Village's Annual Costume Extravaganza was a parade that went all the way to Gotham Square. He'd participated a couple of times, never formally registering but slipping into the clown section. It had been exhilarating. Had allowed him to pretend, for a little while, that he was being seen. That the crowds lining the sidewalks were cheering for him. Signs for extravagant balls were plastered on billboards and lampposts throughout the streets; he'd have gladly attended and shown her off. A haunted house was being held in a building in his old neighborhood, a fundraiser for the orphanage. He hadn't brought that up.

In the end, once he'd explained trick-or-treaters went from apartment to apartment, they'd decided on a cozy evening at home. The details had been left to her. Whatever she'd plan, he'd love it. He wondered what she'd disguise herself as. Would she be a sexy devil or nurse, like he'd seen on a sit-com? The notion sparked a fire in his cheeks.

Given how busy he'd be, he'd stay dressed as plain, old Carnival. Part of him regretted accepting two gigs, especially on a Sunday. He would have preferred her company. But he wanted to put the money towards the wedding band he'd put on layaway. (Even though they had one account, he wasn't going to let her chip in for it.) He should already be wearing it for all of Gotham to see.

The lurch of the subway prompted him to rise and grasp the pole grip. His stance widened as it came to a halt, knees bending with the instinct of a man who'd ridden public transportation since he was a boy. As soon as the graffiti-covered doors parted, he stepped out onto the platform and ascended the stairs, eager to share his new insurance information with Dr. Ludlow.

~~~~~

Scratchy violins and the hum of a theremin. Shrill shrieks and cracks of thunder. A cackle resounded, then a pipe organ, playing a melody in a minor key.

There was no doubt about it. Halloween spirit had saturated 4A.

NCB's Movie Marathon Mayhem had begun at 10:00 AM. Y/N had had it on since getting out of the shower, hoping to catch a horror classic while she decorated the apartment and prepared Bloody Mary mix. As she hung cotton batting between the television's rabbit ears, creating a long, narrow spider-web, she realized they were only playing cheesy B-movies. Giant insects threatening buildings. Science experiments gone wrong. Alien invasions. Oh well. At least she wouldn't have to pay much attention to get the gist of the plots.

The orange plastic platter, black bats along its edges, had been an impulse buy. She thought its array of sugary skeletons, candy bracelets, and Jolly Jack chocolate bars would be well received. But having seen only one or two kids in the lobby, she had no idea how many children lived in their building. She hoped she'd bought enough.

The cardstock window decorations she'd found were festive and matched Arthur's sweet nature. One portrayed a warted, green witch flying on a broom past a full moon. On the other, a ghost and mouse shared a pillowcase of candy and wished a "Happy Halloween." She held the tape dispenser between her teeth as she stuck them to their white front door.

Just then, the elevator dinged. Glancing to her left, she saw Arthur stroll down the cheerfully lit hallway. Buoyant expression on him, despite his white, blue, and red make-up being streaked from sweat. Striped prop bag on his shoulder and carved pumpkin cradled in his arms. "The store owner was going to throw it out," he explained with a half hug. "But he let me have it as a tip."

Classic, triangular eyes evoked the annual carving contest her parents had taken part of back home. Her father had been well-known in the community, being the town's only doctor. Entering the competition had been expected. They'd never won but enjoyed it all the same. Y/N had picked out the patterns and scooped out the squash's slimy innards. Her mother had baked the seeds. Peals of their laughter echoed in her ears, and a lump formed in her throat.

She swallowed hard against it. Dammit, Y/N. Get it together. This was supposed to be a special night for Arthur and her. She needed to distract herself. One of his curls peeked out from under his bald-cap and green wig. She twirled a strand around her finger. "With that toothy grin, it just might be your twin," she said. He pecked her temple, the kiss sticky from greasepaint. She lit the half-melted candles using his red lighter and put the jack-o-lantern just outside their door.

While he freshened his paint in the bedroom, she slinked into the bathroom to change. Arthur's and her routines were closely aligned; keeping her costume hidden had not been easy. The headband holding the furry cat ears was quite stiff, its teeth a tad sharp on her scalp. Once it was in place, she hid it under her hair. The lint on her form-fitting stretch top and leggings reminded her why she rarely wore all black. She retrieved her brown eyeliner from the nearby shelf and started in on her whiskers.

Arthur's footsteps neared, heavy due to his clown shoes, and Y/N turned to lean back on the sink. His thin lips parted as he scanned her body, forehead furrowed in pleasant surprise. His reaction planted a seed of bliss in her belly, one that bloomed every second they regarded each other. The lunch she'd have to spring for was well worth the pink shells of his ears. Eventually, she held out the fluffy, wired tail and a safety pin. "Would you pin this just below my waistband?"

Fingers grazing hers, he took it and sat on the toilet lid. He cupped her hips and pulled her closer, positioned her until the dampness of his breath hit a bare sliver of her back. "Hold still," he murmured, his voice sending a tingle through her. At his gentle ministrations, the spandex of her leggings felt snugger. "Did you- Did you read my journal?"

A faint click of metal as the pin closed. "No." She colored the tip of her nose, frowned at how lackluster the shade was. "I'd never do that. Even if I'm dying for a preview of your material. Why?"

"No reason." A soft huff, his shy smile clear in his answer. "I have an idea." He handed her a washcloth and hurried out of the room. She was patting her face dry when he returned, a fine tipped brush and pot of black greasepaint in his hand. "This'll look better."

Her brow arched. She'd only had her make-up done once; Patricia had invited her when they'd first met. Such an outing was not her preference, but Y/N had accepted, being new in town and wanting to learn about her colleague. There'd been champagne at the counter, which she'd sipped until she'd spent too much on eyeshadow and apricot scrub. The next morning, she'd put the products and a note on Patricia's desk: "I'll never forgive you. Thanks!"

The heat radiating from Arthur prompted her to close the gap between them. She craned her neck towards him, slid her palms to his yellow vest until she held him just below his ribs. His forefinger curled under her chin, lifted it slightly and angled it to the right. The cool, wet brush met her fevered skin. The dusty smell of the greasepaint blended with a whiff of stale cigarette smoke and traces of his sweat. She licked her lips.

The vibration of his chuckle was felt before heard. "I really like your costume," he said lowly. Two more ticklish caresses of the bristles on the apple of her cheek. "If you're not careful, I might werewolf and go wild."

She stretched closer to him, the fervor in his tone going straight to her center. Though he'd been growing bolder, his cocky side wasn't often revealed. She wanted it, thirsted to see more of the wild horse kicking inside him. Her touch ran over his chest, until she dipped under his black suspenders and pulled. "Are you going to gobble me up?"

Teasing strokes on her nose. "Maybe." Then his thumb whispered along her jaw and guided her face upwards. His kiss was supple, slow, a drag of his mouth as his tongue sought entry. She yielded, the simmer of anticipation bringing her to her toes. He groaned deeply and palmed her thigh, then fondled the curve of her rear-

The ding-dong of the doorbell halted them. He lifted his head and laughed, gaze sparkling. "I got paint on you."

She twisted in his arms and looked in the mirror. The whiskers caught her eye, embellished at the ends with dainty curlicues - his skill never ceased to impress her. Red brightened her lips and streaks of white were on her cheek. "It's all right. They'll just know I've been necking with a clown."

~~~~~

The sound of the bell continued. Over and over and over. More than it ever had in Otisburg. There were mummies, ghosts, a couple of skeletons. A superhero proudly displayed his red cape and blue tights, and a kid in her karate robe went on about her yellow belt. A tiny clown, too young to walk, was brought by her sister. As Arthur made funny faces, the baby cooed and tried to take his red, foam nose. Arthur parted with it gladly.

Only one member of the Wayne family appeared, slicked back hair and pompous pout making the disguise complete. The man accompanying the boy introduced himself as their upstairs neighbor and shook their hands. After one look at Y/N, he nudged Arthur's bicep. "So, she's the one keeping half the building up at night. Good on you, pal." Arthur blinked in confusion as she ushered the guy away, red-faced and muttering about his nerve.

Arthur was overly generous, giving out fistfuls of sweets while taking a few extra seconds to gather his nerves and compliment the costumes he liked best. It felt good to interact with strangers without constantly second guessing himself. Y/N would rub his arm or kiss his shoulder and tell him what a great job he was doing. "Kids are easy," he said, refilling the candy dish. But he reveled in her praises, anyway. And the knowledge that meeting the neighbors was going well.

Clean-up required little effort. The jack-o-lantern sat on their kitchen table, flames flickering as the wicks burned away. The door decor was packed safely for use next year. His plaid blazer was slung over the back of a dining chair and his wig was off. Y/N's decision to leave her whiskers on pleased him - she made a damn sexy cat. He pocketed the last few pieces of candy to snack on during the remainder of the evening.

The Sunday Night Special Presentation she'd picked out, a made-for-TV horror movie, began at 9:00 PM on GBC. Most of its airtime was punctuated by her tipsy snickers and legal wisecracks, which was typical when they watched something stupid. Yet, as the show went on, she grew quieter, barely speaking between sips of her third cocktail. As they sat on the sofa, her posture stiffened. Forearms crossed over her breasts. Her nails dug into her upper arm.

The change started two-thirds of the way into the show, when the plot about a doll running amok twisted into a story about a professional woman trying to assert herself against the demands of her mother. Against the expectations of availability. To fight for the simplicity of having dinner and peace and quiet. It resonated with him, which felt weird. Especially when the film cut to black, the implication being the mother would meet a violent end at the hands of her possessed daughter.

A cheerful jingle came on. Puerto Rico was a direct flight from Gotham Airport, it advertised, a flight that lasted "two hours and fifteen tropical minutes." They should get out while the weather was still good. The juxtaposition of mood broke him out of his ponderings. He flicked off the blaring television with the remote. Then he heard Y/N sniffling.

She set her glass on the coffee table, a slight tremble in her hand. "I need some air," she whispered as she rose, then went out onto the fire escape.

Arthur rubbed his thigh and pressed his lips together. He wasn't used to seeing her cry. Not from sadness. Should he follow her? Give her time? Both had worked previously, depending on the situation. But he wasn't sure what had upset her, what situation they were in now.

Exhaling sharply, he grabbed her glass and dumped the rest of the drink down the kitchen sink. Rinsed their dinner plates and put the slow cooker in the fridge. When he'd finished making decaf coffee ten minutes later, she still hadn't returned. He ambled towards the ajar glass door and stepped out.

Moonlight outlined her shapely figure and reflected off her hair, the silver a contrast to the orange glow of the streetlamps illuminating her face. Her stare seemed fixated on the street below. He followed it to see a group of ghouls and goblins spraying shaving cream on a shop window. A couple, one he'd see occasionally when out for a cigarette, walked down the sidewalk. A woman was half-carrying a drunk man towards a bus stop.

Upon clearing her throat, Y/N spoke. "I may not look like it, but I had a great time with you tonight. The movie just got to me." Relieved, Arthur sidled next to her, wrapped his arm about her back. Her head fell to his shoulder and she smoothed her hand over his stomach. "I don't mean to hide from you. Someday you'll know the details of my earlier life." She scoffed. "When I'm ready to think about them." He entwined their fingers and kissed her hairline, avoiding the wired tips of her cat ears.

Shivering, she took a shaky breath. "There are no skeletons in my closet. Only disappointments." Her voice cracked as she beamed at him, cupped his cheek, and pressed her face to his. "Knowing I'd get to have you would have made those years so much easier."

He held her tightly, massaging between her shoulders. She'd been speaking about herself, but he couldn't help thinking it was about him, too. His years with Penny. His stints in Arkham. The loneliness, the isolation, the endless anger and yearning to be more than a speck of dirt no one cared for. His journal was full of questions about where the hell his one and only was. If he'd known she'd be real, tangible instead of a figment, would existence have hurt less?

Wincing, he tried to push through those thoughts. To focus on her instead of himself. What mattered was that Y/N needed him. Perhaps a joke would cheer her. "I was thinking the other night of how easy it is to smile around you," he said. "You tickle my funny bone." Amusement bubbled in her throat, music to his ears. She released a contented sigh and nuzzled the crook of his neck.

Peaceful stillness ensued as the minutes passed. Though the breeze was chill, goosebumps forming on his pale skin, her affection kept his heart warm. His fingertips rubbed circles into her lower back, and she offered a pleasured hum. Across the way, footsteps pounded. He glanced to see a kid darting up the street, plastic pumpkin pail in tow. The boy's scream was filled with boundless energy: "Happy Halloween, Gotham!"

Snorting, Y/N took Arthur's hand and led him inside. The cheap tail she wore bounced with every exaggerated swivel of her hips. "I've behaved all evening, which your werewolf comment made extraordinarily difficult." She looped her arms around him and flashed a come-hither stare. "May I have a goodie?"

The scrape of her nails on his scalp coiled a knot in his abdomen. "Aren't you supposed to say 'trick-or-treat?'" he asked huskily.

"Your pussycat needs a petting or two." She closed the bedroom door behind them. "Maybe even a mauling."

His brows shot up on a hitched giggle. Then he palmed her hip while she started in on his buttons. Before she got too far, he traced a whisker with the pad of his thumb. Let their foreheads meet and pecked her eyelids. "Only if you give me something good to eat." He pressed into her, his enjoyment relentless, not waiting for her reply before devouring her mouth.

~~~~~

Tag list (Let me know if you want to be added!): @harmonioussolve, @howdylilflower, @sweet-nothings04, @stephieraptorr, @rommies, @fallenstarsabyss, @gruffle1, @octopus-plasma, @tsukiakarinobara, @arthur-flecks-lovely-smile, @another-day-in-chuckletown, @hhandley80, @jokerownsmysoul, @mrscarnival

#arthur fleck #arthur fleck fanfic #arthur fleck x reader #arthur fleck x ofc #arthur fleck x female reader #joker 2019 #watchwhathappens

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ya-wah · 3 years

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Analysis: Just Hold On -- Louis Tomlinson & Steve Aoki

So, I’ve been thinking of doing something like this for a while, because I really enjoy analyzing song lyrics and finding meaning in them for myself. I think all of the 1D boys are spectacular songwriters and especially Louis writes some of my favorite lyrics; there’s so much depth and richness in them and I’m really looking forward to taking a closer look at them! My plan is to work my way through his discography whenever I feel like analyzing something, and then hopefully start doing the other boys’ music as well.

Just Hold On is Louis’ very first solo single (and in my opinion one of his most underrated songs), so this is going to be my starting point. Obviously this is all just my personal interpretation and I’m not stating that any of this is a fact, but I still hope someone else can take something away from this as well!

So, Just Hold On is one of those songs that I never really consciously go back to, but whenever it comes on shuffle I always think to myself, “Wow, I really need to listen to this more.” Even though it is a very different sound than what we ended up getting on Walls, obviously also due to Steve Aoki being on the track, Just Hold On is definitely a solid first release from him, and I wouldn’t have been mad at all if he had continued in this EDM, dance track direction with his music. It suits him very well, plus this song is one of my favorite vocal performances from him, especially the chorus. I also really like that even though it is a more dance-y type of song and you would expect the focus to stay on the production, Louis still manages to sneak in some incredible songwriting.

(Just a little aside, I know the lyrics are generally attributed to Johannah dying, but he has said himself that that meaning just sort of happened later on and it wasn’t intended to be about that, which is why I’m going to leave that aspect aside in this interpretation. I’m not saying that he doesn’t want people to interpret the song that way, because he has definitely talked a lot about that double meaning himself, but I just don’t really feel comfortable talking about his mother in a context where he has said himself that he didn’t mean for the song to be taken that way.)

In general, the song has a very uplifting and comforting tone to it. The speaker is talking to someone who seems to be at a watershed in their life, saying “Hey, I know this is scary, but the things you’re worried about aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things. You’ll figure everything out and it’s gonna be okay.” For me personally, as someone who gets anxiety over the stupidest little things and is always fretting about making decisions and irrevocably messing things up somehow, this song feels very consolatory, and it’s a message that I definitely need to internalize and go back to more often.

Wish that you could build a time machine So you could see The things no one can see

This lyric could mean that the person the speaker is talking to in this song wants to go back in time to see the past, perhaps to find comfort in an earlier time where everything was easier and they didn’t have to worry about the things they do now. However, coupled with the “So you could see / The things no one can see”, it could actually (in my opinion more likely) refer to wishing you were able to go to the future, to see how everything is going to turn out, something obviously no one else can see, because it hasn’t happened yet. I can definitely relate to that -- I often find myself wishing that I was able to press fast-forward on my life and go to a utopian future where everything has already worked out for me, so I can skip the hard part of figuring things out and making mistakes, even though those things are essential to growing up and becoming your own person.

Feels like you're standing on the edge Looking at the stars And wishing you were them

The person being spoken to is standing on the edge, they’re at the cusp of something; perhaps they need to make a big, life-changing decision, or maybe something happened in their life that created a disruption of the status quo and now they don’t really know where to go from there. They look at the stars and wish they were them to be able to escape the uncertainty, another feeling I think a lot of people are able to relate to. Wishing you were a part of the stars, removed from all the hardships and hurt on earth, somewhere far away in the galaxy.

What do you do when a chapter ends? Do you close the book and never read it again?

Again, this lyric is referring to a turning point in the addressee’s life. When something happens to you or you make a decision that changes everything about your life (when a chapter of your life story ends, so to speak) what do you do with that? Do you go forward and never look back or do you continue to acknowledge the past, even if it might hurt?

Talking about closing the book after a chapter ends without specifying that it’s actually the last chapter of the book might also mean prematurely putting an aspect of your life behind you, when it might not be done yet. After all, who reads one chapter and closes the book? Even if it’s a chapter you don’t like, it just makes up a small part of the whole story and the best parts might be yet to come, however you won’t find that out unless you actually read the whole thing. Another interpretation could be that the person being spoken to thinks they’re done with their past, that they’ve closed that chapter of their life and have come to terms with it, when that’s not actually true and they still have a lot of work to do on themselves or on certain things they’re dealing with.

Where do you go when your story's done? You can be who you were or who you'll become

This one is pretty self-explanatory in my eyes. When your story is done, when you've closed a chapter of your life, you have the choice if you let your experiences shape you and make you grow as a person or if you cling to the past and want to go back to the way you and things around you used to be. I think it's important to note that even though the latter is generally regarded more negatively and seen as being stuck (even the way I just described it in the last sentence suggests that the correct decision would be to go forward and evolve) the lyrics don't issue any judgment. The choice is truly yours, if you want to become someone new and let yourself be changed, or if you want to stay the way you are now, and the speaker doesn't ascribe any moral value to one or the other.

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, if it all goes wrong Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, darling just hold on

This is the most important part of the song, the part that Louis really wants the listener to take away from the song. It's repeated in the pre-chorus, the chorus and the post-chorus (going off of Genius here, I have no idea what these words mean lol), the song is named after this lyric, it's the phrase that turns up the most often.

It’s why I said this was a comforting song: yes, while there might be bad times in your life, times where you don't know where to go and feel like everything is going wrong and you would love to just give up, the speaker is telling you, the only thing you can do is hold on. You can apply that to a personal crisis, to your mental health, to a job, to creative struggles (I personally wouldn't really apply it to a romantic or platonic relationship, just because if everything in a relationship goes wrong the best thing to do is probably to let it end and not hold on). Again, an important point to make: if you hold on, there are no guarantees that it will actually get better, that life will become easier, but you still have to do it, because sometimes that's the only thing you can do.

The sun goes down and it comes back up The world it turns no matter what

This refers to what I said in the beginning about how none of the things that seem to be such giant obstacles and struggles in your life actually matter in the long term. The sun will still complete its cycle no matter what happens, the world will still keep turning. For some people, that might seem depressing; along the lines of “No matter what I do, it doesn't make a difference anyways”, but I think this... insignificance can also be comforting. You have all these issues and struggles that seem insurmountable right now, but when it comes down to it, you're just a small and insignificant part of history. For the tiny time span that humans have existed on this earth, for hundreds of years people have had to deal with similar things to you, very often with things that are much harder than what you're going through, so you'll be able to deal with this as well, no matter how daunting and scary it seems right now.

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, if it all goes wrong Darling, just hold on Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, darling, just hold on Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh

It's not over 'til it's all been said It's not over 'til your dying breath

Again, really driving home the notion of the book not being over, of sticking around and holding on, even if it’s hard and even if you don’t want to anymore. There have been so many times in my life where I messed up really badly, or where something so terrible happened and it felt like the whole world would just stop and my life would be over right there. But it never was, and, like it’s being said here, until everything has been said and you have actually taken your last breath, your world will keep going.

So what do you want them to say when you're gone? That you gave up or that you kept going on?

While I have personally not given a lot of thought to this (yet), because I’m in a phase where I don’t even fully know who I am yet, I know a lot of people place great importance on how they’re going to be remembered. At the risk of sounding like a huge emo, it’s like the song Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park: “When my time comes / Forget the wrong that I've done / Help me leave behind some / Reasons to be missed”. We all want to be remembered, we want to be missed, and of course we want to be remembered as a good person who did good deeds and who never gave up, even if things got hard.

What do you do when a chapter ends? Do you close the book and never read it again? Where do you go when your story's done? You can be who you were or who you'll become Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, if it all goes wrong Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, darling just hold on

The sun goes down and it comes back up The world it turns no matter what Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, if it all goes wrong Darling, just hold on

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh Darling, just hold on Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh If it all goes wrong Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh Darling just hold on

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh If it all goes wrong, darling just hold on

(Lyrics are from AZLyrics.com.)

So, there’s not really much I can say to the rest of the lyrics, as they’re just repeating what I already talked about. I also want to add that while doing this I rewatched the music video, probably for the first time since it came out, and I have to say, it’s honestly not one of my favorite videos that he’s done. For one, he’s not even in it; I don’t understand the weird time travel thing they’ve got going on (I even checked the time zones for London, Las Vegas and Kuwait in the hopes to get a better perspective on the whole thing, but they don’t even match the numbers they showed on the screen lmao); and I also don’t really see any connection between the song and the video. The couple is cute though, and I like the theme of living in the moment and having fun without a care for the world, it does fit with the upbeat, dance-y nature of the track, even if it might not match the lyrics that well.

I guess this is it then! This was a lot of fun and I definitely gained an even deeper appreciation of Louis’ writing on this song. If you want to, you can let me know if you would have interpreted anything differently, or in what specific way the song resonates with you. Listen to it, if you haven’t done so in a while, and I hope I’ll be able to do Back To You soon as well!

#louis tomlinson #steve aoki #just hold on #song analysis #louis #mine

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starblazerm31 · 4 years

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Apprentice April Asks #1 Azalea/Imalia

Here are my answers to my Apprentice April Asks #1. Thanks so very much to @leis-main-blog and @verysoftthings for sending me asks! I honestly wasn’t expecting it. ^^; I tend to write books about these two, so I made a separate post.

1. The Basics. What is your character's name? How old are they? How tall are they? Skin color? Eye color? Hair color? Gender identification?

Azalea Larinya Nevra. 30, female. 5'6"; medium skin tone; eyes blue with gold around the pupils; hair aqua to coral ombre; medium length

Imalia Vilyana Gabriev. 36, female. 5'10"; fair skin tone; eyes crimson; hair brown with burgundy ends; very long (art by @carowhitewolf)

2. Love Interest. Who does your character love? What attracted them to that particular LI?

Julian/Lucio (different universes).

Julian - she loved how kind he was, and she adored his bumbling. She was compelled to help him because his cause was right. He couldn't be guilty, he was too much of a good man. She really wanted to help him with his own inner demons as well because he didn't deserve to suffer, even at his own hand. That glorious chest didn't help either, lol.

Lucio - she thought he was overall adorable. Yeah, he was hot as hell, but it was his personality that got her heart thumping. He really was brave and skilled, and she had a feeling that not many others had appreciated it much. Yeah, he had done some horrendous things; but Azalea could see the actual changes happening in him and she knew that he had hope.

Asra. She had known Asra since she was 15 and he was 8. They had a good 20 year friendship and she knew him very well. She fell for him when that friendship veil lifted after the events of The Arcana story and she finally really noticed how beautiful he was. "He's smart, kind, talented, awesome...AND hot?! THE WHOLE PACKAGE?! I'm such an idiot..."

3. Familiar. Does your character have a familiar? How did they meet?

Corva, a white raven. She met Corva when Malak led her to an alley where Corva was lying on the ground with a broken wing. Azalea nursed Corva back to health, and Corva refused to ever leave. (image c. Mike Yip)

Balthazaar, a phoenix. Balthazaar was one of the phoenixes in the magical menagerie at the University of Prakra. He was ornery, and the handlers had a hard time with him. Imalia liked how stubborn he was and over time developed a rapport and closeness with him. The university allowed her to claim him as her familiar and take him home. (image c. Kiss Clip Art)

4. Hobbies. What kinds of things does your character like to do for fun?

Parquor. She loves running around, slipping up buildings, jumping over rooftops and sliding down poles. XD She's a very high-energy person and parquor keeps her healthy and mentally sharp. She also enjoys writing. She will write on just about anything that has her attention at the moment. Magical theory is one of her favorite subjects, but she does enjoy writing fiction.

Her hobby...is harassing bandits. She gets perverse joy out of robbing robbers blind. If she can find the original owners of things that were stolen...awesome. If not...hey, this is an ancient Drakrian fertility statue! I'm gonna put this on my shelf at home. Oh, and leaving off-color messages in ancient languages in ruins. "Here I sit all broken-hearted..."

5. Hidden talents. Is there something neat that your character can do? Tie a cherry stem into a knot with their tongue? Say any word backwards perfectly?

Azalea is kinda like Sherlock Holmes. She can look at a person and form their entire story in her mind. She never uses it against someone; she just uses it to be more friendly. But if you're annoying her and won't go away...she will scare you with what she has figured out about you.

Imalia secretly loves to sing and isn't terrible at it. She's one of those people who will sing in the bath, and if someone mentions it, she acts like it didn't happen.

6. Magical talents. Is there a specific type of magic that your character excels at? Any magic they aren't so great at? Or do they actually shy away from magic altogether?

Lightning. She's good at conducting the currents and utilizing its explosive capabilities. She also uses lightning as a personal shield while in battle. She is also really good at enchanting things; like her hair. She makes enchanted dreamcatchers that actually catch nightmares. Both Julian and Lucio appreciate this ability. (Lucio's dreamcatcher needs to be cleansed more often than Julian's)

Fire and Darkness. Imalia is in tune with fire and is extremely good at using it to its fullest potential; absolute destruction. As for the darkness...that will be explained in number 12.

7. Interaction. How does your character typically interact with people?

She is very polite, but not overly so. She tries to come off as someone you can actually have a conversation with. Sometimes if she's feeling nervous, she will go into overly-polite mode, but if the vibe starts to feel calmer, she will loosen up. She is very energetic and sometimes hyper with her friends.

She is ingratiating and very proper until you piss her off. Then you get things like "Why don't you get a horse, move up to the mountains, and don't bother anybody? You have the personality of a dead moth." (RIP Don Rickles) With friends, she's very laid back and frank with what she says.

8. Romance. What is something that your character and their LI love to do together? How do they show affection?

Azalea x Julian - They LOVE to read together. They have spent hours cuddled up together over a good book. Azalea shows Julian affection with gentle touches, kisses, and koala hugs. (she really loves how tall he is) She also makes sure he eats and gets plenty of rest. More than once, she has brought him dinner to his clinic while he was working late.

Azalea x Lucio - They love to spar. They are so different in fighting style that sparring really helps them improve their skills. Also, the prize at the end for the winner is quite nice. ^_~ Azalea shows Lucio affection by listening to him and holding him. She also likes to try to out kiss him. He reaches for her hand, she spins away and plants two on his cheek instead.

Imalia and Asra love to travel the Magical Realms together. They get into really long and in-depth conversations about the things they see and experiment with how their willpower affects the realm around them. Imalia shows affection by constant words of praise and sneaky touches and kisses. The more she can surprise him, the better. She also keeps a hefty supply of Lapsang Souchong tea at her estate for him and loves giving him little trinkets and things she has found on her travels.

9. Travel. Does your character like to travel outside of Vesuvia? How often? For how long? What kinds of things do they do away from home?

Yes. She loves to see more of the world and meet new people and see different cultures. She will travel maybe once every year or two. When traveling, she will typically stay away for 1-2 months. She loves adventure, but she does love her home more. Azalea loves to learn new types of magic or new methods of spellcasting from different cultures. She finds that certain techniques make her own magic stronger.

Definitely. She herself is originally from the northern hemisphere, so travel isn't something new to her. She gets wanderlust sometimes and has to get out into the world. She will be gone typically for six months when she decides to travel. She has been gone for three years before. She HAS to investigate old ruins wherever she goes. Who knows that treasures or knowledge lay inside? She must find out!

10. WTF. Has anything just...weird ever happened to your character? Something that made them stop and go "What just happened?!"

She was trying to brew a potion that would allow the drinker to become a mermaid for a short while. She ended up spilling it on a plant before it was done. The plant sprouted tiny muscular hairy legs and arms, stood up, walked to the window, shook its fist at her, and jumped out. Turns out she had forgotten a key ingredient in the early stages of brewing the potion. Mazelinka made fun of her for a solid week.

One time, she and a rival mage were about to have a battle. Right before they were to begin, this strange fellow wearing a sentient red cape fell from the sky and landed in between them. He promptly stood to his feet, apologized for the intrusion, and left. (Yes...I do mean Doctor Strange fell from the sky)

11. Crime. Has your character ever been arrested? If so, what did they do? Have they ever helped stop a crime?

She has never been arrested, however, she is guilty of petty larceny. It's not something she does often...just when some jerk needs to be taught a lesson. They always get their stuff back, but she will make sure they are thoroughly inconvenienced. She has stopped another thief before. The thief took the purse of an elderly individual who was trying to buy food. Azalea scaled up to the rooftops and cut the thief off, holding him down until the guards caught up and arrested him. She gave the money back to its owner.

Yep. She's been arrested plenty of times. Usually for assault and/or destruction of property. Hey, that jerk deserved to have his carriage set on fire. She has stopped several assassination attempts on her cousin, Queen Dreen Suval of Seiruun. She has also stopped dark plots at the Magical University in Prakra.

12. Secrets. What is a secret your character has? Are they in line for the throne in a far off land? Was there this one time at band camp...? Are they secretly involved in an assassin's guild?

Azalea secretly writes smut. She loves it. And her actual hair color is gray. The aqua-coral is an enchantment.

Imalia actually is in line for the throne of Seiruun; second in line, to be exact. But she HATES this. It's why she continues to live in Vesuvia rather than her home country. Imalia is also no longer entirely human. During an adventure that went terribly wrong, she summoned the Lord of Nightmares while inside the Magical Realms. (The Lord of Nightmares or "Lon" is an eldritch goddess) Lon then proceeded to implant herself inside Imalia. Lon is a being of pure darkness and nightmare, so Imalia has control over darkness when she taps into Lon's power. Through some creative wording, the contract between the two of them allows Imalia to use Lon's power and form when she needs to; however, Imalia is forever plagued by terrible nightmares that not even Azalea's dreamcatchers can stop. The dreamcatchers just catch on fire.

13. Overcompensation. Is there something that your character just HAS to do better than anyone else? Or are they just that dang good without trying? If they see someone else showing off, what is their kneejerk reaction?

She's actually quite humble. If she sees someone showing off, she really just concerns herself with their safety. "Please don't be careless and die, please!" But she IS gifted. Her magic is insanely strong, she just doesn't like to make a big deal out of it. She gets embarrassed.

She is the best in the room, and you'd better damn well know it. Unless she respects you. Then she will tone it down. But if she sees a showoff...she's got to mess with them. She's got to show them that they aren't all that and a bag of chips.

14. Fight Club. Is your character a good fighter? What kind of skills do they have?

She's pretty decent. Her attack magic is awesome, but her physical fighting mainly relies on how quick and squirmy she is. Her punches hurt, but they don't incapacitate.

She can fight pretty damn well. Her father made sure of it after most of her family was killed by assassins (it does sometimes really suck to be royalty). She is a heavy hitter and her intent is to end a fight with one strike. It doesn't always work, but hey...second, third, maybe fourth time is the charm. Or maybe you should just blow it the hell up.

15. The Arts. Is your character a creative type? What kinds of things can they create? Can they act? Street perform?

She is. Like mentioned earlier, she writes and makes dreamcatchers; she also gets into stage acting with Julian (when he's her LI). She's not a solo performer though. She has to be in a troupe or else she gets massive stage fright.

She can draw very well, almost photo-realistically. She mainly uses this skill for documentation when she's studying something. But every great once in a while she will draw a political cartoon making fun of some noble. Once she drew a penis on the face of one of Lucio's statues. He snapped back "I'd never put something that small in my mouth!" She retorted by drawing a full body penis on a different statue. It got misinterpreted by many townspeople as "Hey, look! Lucio is a dick!!"

16. Goofy. Is your character a clown? Do they like to make people laugh?

She does. She doesn't see herself as funny, but when she slips in something humorous into whatever she's talking about it usually takes whoever is listening by surprise. Spit your drink kind of humor.

YES. She has such a strange way of speaking sometimes that you can't help but snort at the things she says. Yes, it is entirely on purpose. She loves to crack jokes and has a self-deprecating sense of humor at times. She will also be hilariously over-confident as well.

17. Language. Is your character multilingual? How many languages do they speak? Do they have an accent? Is it sexy? Is it silly? Do they have the multilingual lisp?

No. She only speaks her native language.

Yes. Imalia speaks ten different languages. In her normal language, she doesn't have a multilingual lisp; but in about four of her other languages, she does. It drives her nuts, but she just can't seem to fix it.

18. Embarrassment. What is something really embarrassing that your character has done/said?

Azalea can't remember this, because it's part of the memories she lost. But Imalia remembers. One time she was going to meet one of the magisters of the Magical University of Prakra to see if she would be accepted. She spent weeks preparing how to introduce herself. On the day of, she mentioned how excited she was to meet Magister Asshole. Imalia blinked and said, "It's pronounced Ah-shole."

One time she said something quite rude about Lucio in front of Azalea (when Lucio is Azalea's LI). Azalea proceeded to tear her a new rectum, claiming that for someone so smart, she was incredibly closed-minded.

19. Memory. Has your character gotten any of their memory back? If so, what? Did it change them?

No. She insists that she doesn't want her memories back because she likes who she is now. She gets the important information from Asra and Imalia...her parents’ and aunt's names, what they were like, and how they died. That's all she feels that she needs.

*looks at me* "I'm exempt from this question. I'm your OC, not your MC." *walks out*

20. Family. Talk about your character's family. Who were they?

Her mother (Etoile) and father (Galen) were traveling merchants. Her mother was the one with magical talent. Her mother's sister (Sylvaine) owned the shop and taught Azalea most about magic. When Azalea was 13, her parents were robbed and killed by bandits just outside of Vesuvia. She lived with Sylvaine until she died of pneumonia when Azalea was 20.

Imalia's father was Vitalric Gabriev and her mother was Narsial Trevallan. When Imalia was 14, her father's family (the Sairuun royal family) were murdered by assassins sent by a rival country. Only Vitalric (and Narsial), Imalia, Vitalric's older brother Rhemun and his daughter Dreen survived. Rhemun and Dreen remained in Seiruun to run the place while Vitalric and his family moved to Vesuvia as a failsafe in case there were other assassination attempts. Vitalric started studying to become a doctor, while Narsial started grooming Imalia to wed into a noble family. Narsial was extremely abusive. Long story short, King Rhemun died of a hunting injury, and both of Imalia's parents died in the Red Plague.

#apprenticeapril #azalea nevra #imalia gabriev #the arcana asks #fan apprentice

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jaypelt · 4 years

Text

Cheers for Five Years of Undertale, and its Everlasting Effect on Me

Been a while since I’ve done one of these... I might even be rusty at it! Honestly, what I’ve got right now are more vague thoughts than coherent words in my head. I wasn’t sure if I’d even do this, since I felt it wasn’t entirely necessary. Everybody had so much to say! But spurned on by the display of someone very close to me, the cogs in my head couldn’t help but start turning for me too. So here I am. This isn’t going to be easy, though. Because if you read this, I need you to understand the depth of my feelings. Even if just a little. So I’ll do my best to bare my heart yet again, for the sake of it and everything its done for me. Everything it’ll keep doing for me.

The beginning is usually always one of the hardest parts. A blank space devoid of anything, that you’ve got to somehow miraculously fill with thoughts somebody else could understand. But Undertale is rarely a subject I ever have to struggle so much with. It’s been a long, long five years.

This is re-treading old ground that a number of those who know me are already familiar with, however, I don’t think this would be complete without it. But it will get very, VERY personal. If you’re not comfortable with that, then uh... giving you another warning now. But pushing forward...

Right before UT came out, I hadn’t begun to really unravel quite yet. But I was very close. It was somewhat of a rough transitional period as I moved on from my middle school to high, losing very dear IRL friends and generally continuing to struggle with school, as I had been for years. Untreated ADHD is real nasty. But I’d always had at least some friends, either online, or ones I made throughout the year, to rely on. And I didn’t really think about things. The start of this school year was no different. Even having a... perhaps questionable choice of boyfriend, but, well, he was my first.

I struggled with just about every aspect of school from basically the start, but having a small group, and especially an online partner to come home to everyday, helped me at least get through. In the coming months, however, I’d start to encounter more turbulence. Through aforementioned partner, I met someone who’d come to rely on me far more than he should have. Made even worse by the fact that he was a full grown adult while I was only 14, which will be a recurring trend. And has been for most of my life.

We hit it off pretty quickly, becoming good friends and talking to each other outside of mutual friend spaces. And through that, he started to open up about his problems. Living with a family that treated him poorly, suicidal urges, and particularly, an abusive boyfriend. If you know me well, I’ve probably definitely talked about this at least a little.

My daily routine starting becoming supporting this person through all of his troubles. Sitting in skype calls or exchanging messages for hours at a time on the daily. Rarely did a day go by where I didn’t, slowly sinking into an apathetic pit from overextending myself for the sake of his mental health. I couldn’t even help him improve, all I could do was just try to keep him alive. Which, well, I did. For months.

Everything else fell to the wayside as I was constantly stressed about the life of someone I cared about. Obviously my school life suffered even further. I grew withdrawn from everyone, and kept only to the few online friends I had. However, in the midst of this downward spiral, just before the ball really got rolling, a certain game came out. Exactly a month after it had come out, October 15th, 2015, I’d become interested after all the talk on tumblr about Undertale.

After watching a playthrough on youtube(I didn’t play for myself at first, a pity), It’d personally resonated so strongly and gotten me so hooked that it was something I invested a fair amount of my time into consuming content about. I grew super attached to all these characters that’d made me laugh, smile, cry... just this whole spectrum of emotions. And someone in particular, Alphys, really caught my attention after things had begun to get worse.

She felt so... relatable, though I couldn’t possibly tell you all the reasons. When I think about it, we’re not really the most similar, but something about her just hooked me. Maybe because she had all these things going on that nobody knew about. And that she lied. And felt so anxious interacting with anyone after she’d previously been much warmer and closer. That she was closer to “disappearing” than she seemed.

Whatever the reasons, the months moving further along, consuming content about UT practically became my lifeline. I reblogged heaps and heaps of posts about it, watched videos, listened to the soundtrack, even started drawing because I’d been so inspired. When I was just stuck in this horrible pit of second-hand depression, it was the one thing that still made me happy. I started to really think about why it mattered to me and how. It’s funny, I’d read books obsessively for years before then, but UT was the thing that really got me thinking. It was all downhill from there, I tell you. Now I’m an artist and a writer. Horrific.

But, unfortunately, for all its good... it couldn’t stop what was to come. I was still getting worse and worse, with no end in sight. I’d already been supporting... let’s call him Phil, for a few months. And in December of that year, my boyfriend completely dropped off the grid for a while. I’d see him appear online sometimes and I’d message him, but no response, then right back to offline. Finally, he came back, approaching me with something he obviously was uncomfortable about.

To make a long story short, he’d come to the conclusion that he was straight, and decided to end the relationship. What’s bad is that... honestly? I was already doing so poorly that I had a hard time caring. But we did pretty much stop talking, and I leaned into Undertale all the more. Anyway, time continued to pass. Not without its few ups, and mostly downs. I got used to being called “mature”, usually followed by “especially for your age.” “Phil” told me that if I were legal, he’d date me. I’ve got a crippling fear of screwing up with people that’s stuck with me to this day, after a few occasions involving him. I considered doing some... not so great things to myself. Thankfully, I was always so averse to physical pain that it didn’t become anything extreme.

As for the few ups, there was “Phil” finally managing to leave his abusive relationship, when he’d tried previously and fallen into such a bad depressive episode I had to talk him down. So that was something. He’d even started going to therapy after the second break up.

Not that it did a whole lot. The school year began approaching its end and nothing had really changed. I’d been going through all the same motions for around half a year or more. My sleep was terrible, I was passing almost none of my classes, had practically no friends to speak of, and just felt... tired. All the time. But during this... the minute beginning of a monumental shift started. Another character in UT had begun to clutch me in his grasp. Even more strongly than Alphys. Flowey. Through the posts a singular person on tumblr had made about him and my experience with the geno run, I came to understand the dumb little flower more. Which is also funny, because he was previously my least favorite. Even, yes, after the Asriel reveal.

I’m having a difficult time weaving together this convoluted timeline of events, but it was around... perhaps March or early April that the person whom I’d been supporting for almost a full fucking year completely disappeared. Without a word. The one thing I’d tried to stick to for so long was just. Gone. So I drifted about with, well, no purpose.

By the end of the school year, it probably goes without saying that I was... not doing great. But one those aforementioned acquaintances I’d only just started to become actual friends with came forth to me with a question. That being if there was some way for us to keep contact during the summer. So I gave her my email, which would turn out to be a decision that saved my life. Because things would only get worse before they got better.

This is getting to be way, way, way too long. So to summarize, summertime came around and I’d been in pretty close contact with... I’ll just call her V. She was... well, unlike anyone I’d ever known. Someone who stood out with the intelligence you could just see in their eyes. Outgoing, charismatic, compassionate... all those sorts of things. We were opposites in a lot of ways. Or, at least, it felt like it.

Some things happened, like “Phil” coming back after months of nothing. Me immediately slotting back into my role of being a pillar of support, but then screwing up and hating myself for it. But honestly, that ain’t shit to the rest of the whole shitshow.

For a bit of context, my parents are divorced. So for most of the previous years, I’d been going to my mom’s place during the summer and staying with her the whole time, to make up for how rarely we’d see each other otherwise. That year... she was beginning to run low on money. She lived next to my granny, but still basically alone, compared to how she’d been staying with someone else in hotels for the few prior years.

After learning she didn’t have enough to pay rent and might be kicked out, she tried to appeal to her mom, who said she wouldn’t let her stay. Why? I don’t know. After that, she spiraled into a panic. And, well, the ever faithful little worker bee, I stepped forward to try and console her in any way I could. She seemed to recompose, at least a little. It wasn’t great, and she thought she’d have to do some unsavory things in order to survive, but... I thought that, just maybe, I’d done something.

But... later that night, she started drinking. Which... well, put her in a mood. Exacerbated by the day’s earlier events and the fact that she was taking medication that responded poorly to alcohol. She came over to where I was sitting, my little makeshift desk I’d put together to set up my desktop, with my little sister just in the other room. Just... a warning for this next part, it’s... grim. More grim than anything else in this thread.

She proceeded to tell me she was going to go upstairs and grab the gun my granny kept in her room. And berated me for thinking I’d done anything to help, saying she “wasn’t like my little friends” that I could simply talk to. With that, she walked away, heading upstairs. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so crushed in my entire life, to this day. I broke down crying, sitting in that chair.

Yet, somehow, I managed to stop when I saw her coming back down. She walked back over, pointed the gun at her head, and told me to give her a reason she shouldn’t do it. And also to this day, I.... still don’t know if I said what was right. It was all I could think of. I quietly told her that if she did it, I’d pick that gun up and do it to myself. Same as her. And I asked if she wanted to be responsible for that.

It was true, too. By that point, I didn’t care anymore.

And if there’s one thing I can say about her, it’s that she’s always cared about me. In a horrible, twisted way especially, that night. It was enough to make her silently pull the gun down, go back upstairs, and put it away. One last time... she came down, walked past me to the front door and simply said “I love you.” before going out to sit on the porch.

I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over the events of that night. I spoke to V afterwards, as I’d been keeping in regular contact, as I said. And even been speaking to her throughout the day about what was happening. I think she was panicking just as much as I had been, and told me to go find the gun and unload it. So I did. Bawling my eyes out the whole damn time. Afterwards, I took the bullets and threw them in the large neighborhood garbage can.

The rest of the night’s a blur. I don’t recall if anything else happened, I just remember waking up tired the next day. My uncle was in the house, as he’d been staying with my granny for a while, but hadn’t been around the night before. I tried to talk to him, but.. couldn’t bring myself to open up. Even though we were pretty close. I went back to my dad’s.

That wasn’t the end of it, either. For the next coming months, I’d get drunken calls and live in fear of being put right back in the same situation. It got so bad that I stopped answering my phone altogether. I broke contact with my mom entirely. I still hate answering or making calls.

Anyway, a few other things happened in the summer, like my applying for online courses. And the subsequent ridicule from my dad’s side of the family for the decision. Tell you what, the stress of taking a test to try and join that online program, then going to golden corral and having to struggle to not cry in front of everyone there was... not the ideal way to spend a birthday. Happy 15 years to me.

So.... that was that. I still went through with online courses and everything kind of... slowed to a crawl. I tried to do school work, but depression and still yet untreated ADHD prevented me from making any substantial progress beyond a few finished classes. For a while I simply... existed in a limbo. All I did was get up, get on my computer, maybe talk to a few people, and play Overwatch. Maybe look at tumblr, as I remained into Undertale. V and I lost contact after school started back up. I never blamed her for it. In fact, I preferred it that way. She didn’t deserve to have such a burden placed on her, and I still... feel guilty for leaning on her so much.

But I’m very thankful. I hope she’s out there living a good life, wherever she is.

And this! Is where we finally get to the not depressing parts! And only... what, 29 paragraphs in? Sheesh... I know I wanted to really illustrate just how shit things were to demonstrate just how much UT did for me, but this is taking it a bit far, isn’t it? Ah well... already made it this far. In for a penny, in for a pound. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! I’m sorry. Truly. And I love you so very dearly.

Time went by and I kept doing my thing. Playing Overwatch(a practically self-destructive behavior deserving a therapy, frankly), talking to the few friends I had that I kept at an arm’s length, that sort of stuff. “Phil” and I no longer talked, thank goodness. Obviously I was depressed as all hell, not bothering to shower, eat, clean up, or do laundry for days on end. I spent more time asleep than I did awake, on most days. Did I say this was where the not depressing part was? I may have lied a little.

Blah blah “more months go by”, you know the drill. Until... I believe, November of 2016. After cementing my love of Flowey ever deeper, I’d started to follow more blogs putting out content for him on tumblr. In particular, the most important ones being I’lltrytobegood, Flowey-Answers, and later happyflowey and Corruptedflora.

It all started with a stream. I joined an art stream of LLA(Lovelyladyartist) on picarto as he worked on ITTBG. I kept quiet for the first few streams I joined, being too anxious to really out myself in any capacity. But little by little, I was coerced out of my shell. Particularly by one SilverKhaos, who I think at the time went by SilverSlayer or something. Anyway, he got me talking. And through that, I started making friends, bit by bit.

Also through the stream, I was introduced to CC(CuteCatDoodles) of Flowey-Answers. I obsessively read through the entire blog in a single sitting, just... having such a good time with it. And... strangely enough, it... got me feeling oddly better. Like I’d finally started to breath after not being able to for what felt like such a long time. If just a little. The next day, I got out of bed early, cleaned up, took out some garbage, and made breakfast. Just a simple plate of scrambled eggs. A simple, easy morning for most any average person. But for me? It was one of the most special mornings I’ve ever had.

Likewise, I did the same with Ding’s happyflowey, of reading through all of it in a single night. My head hurt like a motherfucker, but I tell you, it was worth it. The effect perhaps not as profound, but still very meaningful to me, as well as sowing the seeds of yet more relationships to form. If far off in the future, as far as this timeline is concerned. I still adore all of those dumb, charming little flowers so much. Mania would come to inspire my first ever OC, in fact. Thinking about that blog makes me miss when the UT fandom was more active here, even though I never participated in the fandom at large. But I’m grateful for the memories and incredible amounts of enjoyment getting to read it all brought me. I have way too many cropped images of Hysteria.

I wasn’t immediately better, but it was all the start of something new. I kept up with the streams, also joining in for CC’s. For hours upon hours a day, I’d just hop into them and spend the day talking away. I had something to really look forward upon waking up, starting to adjust my schedule so that I at least didn’t miss TOO much. I was able to really make friends, it felt like. Even though I wasn’t and still am not the most socially adept.

And as luck would have it, because picarto chat was and probably still is pretty unstable to this day, it just happened to go down and that led to... the creation of the discord server! It started off small, but steadily got more and more joiners from the growing population of the streams. LovelyLadyArtist, CuteCatDoodles, BrySkye, Flowers-Without-Pots, SilverSlayer, KRS, Donut, Mr.Quarter, Dragoler, Stilla, Chara, RotmModdy, Rowdy, Dunal, and probably at least a few others I’m forgetting... all names I encountered there and most of which I still see daily.

Through that server, we started keeping up even when there wasn’t any stream going on. Just goofing off and having a good ‘ol time. Already I was... well, doing a helluva lot better than I had before. All because of the gathering of a small community surrounding this indie gem. And even further centered in a niche specifically about Flowey! Who, and I’d forgotten to mention this before, I’d found a surprising amount to relate in. He’d become a big, BIG hyperfocus. Which is why I’d met everyone at all. Truly, it’s crazy to think how possible it is for me to have never come down this path.

From there on, I continued to meet new people, established new relationships. I even got invited to an RP server, creatively named “Flower RP” :p. At first I was hesitant, perhaps not even initially 100% interested. But as people really got into it, I felt an incredibly strong Fear of Missing Out. Leading to the creation of a character still near and dear to my heart.... Zorch. The result of contributions from many friends, from design ideas, to character concepts, and even his name(thanks for that, Rowdy). And... I began to write. It wasn’t great at first. very short form, and I didn’t know how to approach the roleplaying mindset, or even how to properly characterize him.

But over time... I got better. I became more confident. I really got into the nitty-gritty of character writing and discussion. I joined in on hours long discussions about the characters, lore, and narrative of Undertale. I’d wake up just to be there as soon as chat began to move, all the way to the point where everyone was finally asleep. I started to be able to help people again. For months, participating in this RP, in this chat, in this community was what I lived for. The joy that I felt in being among friends all working towards and talking about a common goal and interest is, well, honestly still somewhat unrivaled.

Paci, Pots, Neue, Castor, Silver, Nightmare, Rowdy. Me. All of us joined together in mutual love for a game, spurred on to feverishly create our own content about it. I kept up for months on end, living by the mostly same routine for probably the longest I’ve ever stuck to anything. Eventually... things happened and the server’s gone quiet. We had problems with management, people feeling excluded, targeted, etc etc. It was a very... consequence heavy RP, most of us were almost complete newbies to the roleplaying game, and many came to care rather deeply about the ongoings of it. Perhaps too much. But, well... I’m not sure it could have been prevented.

Sometimes, I still wish I could go back to that point of my life. I know someone else who does too. Even more than me. But I know not to try and emulate the past, as alluring as it may seem. So I push forward. Leading to yet another server with its own events. Clement, myself, Rowdy, Zielo, Neue, Moddy, Vee, Mini, Nappy, Tia, Silver. Some familiar names, some new. All still with the foundation of Undertale, but it quickly became a thing for us to just... chill and talk about anything. There was real love in that place. It was at this time that I even started going to therapy! After some struggling with the family. It helped a lot.

In time, that server, too, went under. For reasons that have long since been buried and forgiven. It no longer exists, after being deleted entirely, but I’ll always remember it. And we did eventually all(mostly) gather back together someplace new, which is still being talked in. Even gaining some new additions recently! If any of you guys are catching this one, I love you!

And we come to the final and most recent group. One I wasn’t actually a founding member of, instead being a late joiner. Comparatively smaller than all the ones before, but filled with just as much love. Pip, Ding, Kink, and Cola. Remember when I mentioned happyflowey sowing seeds, and then didn’t even expound in further detail about corruptedflora? Well congratulations, you’ve reached the payoff.

It all started after I began interacting with the mun of CF, Kinko, and became mutuals with them. We usually just spam reblogged from each other on occasion for a while. That is, until I got messaged, then sent a friend request through Discord. Which, even still, didn’t immediately go anywhere. But eventually... some things led to another, and we joined up in a particular server. Not one I’ll be naming, but times were... turbulent in there. It went under and we lost contact a bit after that.

That is, until completely out of the blue, I just get invited to a server with them and some pals to just join in on Roblox shenanigans. Imagine me, sweating and anxious as hell after getting asked to join a server with two people behind blogs I adore, considering Ding was there too. Cardiac arrest, I tell you. And obviously more than just them too! But the night turned out to be so fun that I forgot I’d ever been so anxious in the first place.

From there on... the rest was history. There’s been many, MANY ups and downs, but I’ve found yet more people I love very, very dearly. And they’ve gotten me to open up about the way I feel the most. In the past years, I could never tell someone I loved them, no matter how much I really wanted to. The words just couldn’t come out, but they... they brought that out in me. And now I can say it whenever I want! Like now! I love you guys!!! So much!!!! And not just you all, but everyone else too!!! And much love to Kink especially for being a driving force behind me making this, as well as just being a goddamn star.

So... as a final ovation... LLA, CC, Bry, Drago/Paci, Pots, Silver, Donut, Quarter, Stilla, Chara, Moddy, Rowdy, Neue, Castor/Skater, Tia/Nightmare, Clement, Zielo, Vee, Nappy, Ding, Pip, Cola, and Kink. As well as some stragglers like Log, Ingrid, and Jai. I’m probably still forgetting some... but thank you all for being my friends. It’s been a long, long five years. And yet, many of you are still in my life. In at least some form. There aren’t words enough to express my gratitude towards every single one of you for the most incredible years of my life and pulling me from what can be called nothing less than the fucking abyss. You all made and continue to make life worth living.

And thank you, Undertale. The game behind all of these relationships. The game that inspired such strong feelings in me when nothing else could. That made me into an artist and writer. The reason I’m still alive. The game that changed my fucking life and will continue to affect me, I believe, for the duration of it. I really cannot overstate just how important you were and still are. There’ll never be anything else like you.

#this is probably littered with mistakes and things that didn't need to be there #Like the sheer amount of context provided for how poorly I was doing #But too late to change things now!#My brain hurts too much to bother proofreading #So take this raw and unfiltered thing and do what you will with it #Or don't #It's a rough read #Don't push yourself through it if you can't #Or simply don't want to #long post

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withallthingslove · 5 years

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the handmaid’s tale s2ep11 thoughts

under the cut because spoilers

overall a pretty decent episode. it felt very much like old handmaids tale which was nice

this show’s pattern seems to be very slow start and then everything happening at the end

eleanor is quickly adding to my list of favorite characters in this show. Even if she is unstable i love that she sees through the bullshit and knows that even though lawrence was raped in this situation as well that june was raped because of him and the society he created. eleanor sees through everything in gilead and i love it

june saying she wants to kill him too you go queen

the scene with lawrence and june drinking.... while june is a motherfucking badass and she has bounced back from hitting rock bottom i dont think she’s well. and lawrence knows that too which is why he made the mental health comment. this season is definitely about changing june. there have been hints of it in previous seasons but this is when she goes through more of a personality transformation

wow the marthas really run gilead we stan

i think it’s pretty obvious from the start that serena is setting up fred. the way she said goodbye to rita, she knew she wasnt coming back. and I think her beginning nerves were because she was nervous about what would happen to fred not really tuello betraying her

and of course fred is his cocky normal self but its heightened even more when they are alone. I’m conflicted on how serena acted with fred... part of me thinks she still loves him. Because they’ve always been this delusional power-hungry team that have a connection. But then part of me viewed it like the end of the wolf of wall street where margot robbie’s character gets leo’s character to fuck her one last time and butters him up and then shes like “i want a divorce”

the scene in the woods with them at the econo family’s house was beautifully shot. the scenery, the camera work. beautiful. The conversation that took place... solidified more to me serena was setting him up. It seemed like she was saying goodbye in a way. She brought up what she was unhappy with and reminisced with him, and when he said he didnt need to live in dc i didnt believe him and i dont think she did either

but fred admitting he was sterile..... um wow if he wasnt such a terrible human i would be proud of his character development

more proof serena was planning to cross him though is that her reaction was very sad instead of like rushing to comfort him

glad they didnt show the waterfords having sex because honestly dont need that in my life and any scene of them doing it is a waste of time to me

for a second i freaked out when it looked like lawrence had abandoned them because i hadn’t read that in the spoilers for the episode

are they coming after lawrence because of his liberal tendencies? or because he wasn’t performing the ceremony?

june walking through jezebels like she owns the place. i love her confidence

the bartender being concerned about beth made me happy i feel like she’s really well liked and i hope nothing bad happens to her

also the bartender knowing about lawrence robbing all the museums is another good way of showing he isnt really that much better than the other commanders considering fred and serena did the same thing

ugh winslow....

june trying to give herself the speech and then snapping. It’s interesting because in one way it shows she has lost her humanity the way emily and moira had. one thing about june in the book was that she always “kept her humanity” and that was shown in the second season when june couldnt bring herself to kill the waterfords. But the longer june stays in gilead the more unhinged she becomes. BUT I would also argue she has more humanity now because she cant suppress her disgust anymore and so she reacts. So while its more unhinged I think its also more like a new aspect of her personality being born

love that the martha helped her and that the marthas literally cleaned up the entire scene they really are bomb ass bitches. QUEENS

lawrence giving june the gun.... what are they gonna do shoot off whoever comes to the house? or is that for when they try to escape

if june is staying and not escaping after this season i could see her truly going underground/on the run at the end of the season and not going to someone’s house to be a handmaid

mmmmmm tuello is fine and still stand by the idea that he and serena will fuck

fred immediatly doesnt trust him which is actually smart of fred but i also think that it was more fred was insecure about himself and projected. not that he felt something was up. just my personal opinion

fred is such a dick the way he yelled at tuello once they parked but its the way ive seen every privileged white man get mad about anything small so it was perfect delivery

when tuello said they had crossed into canada and all the soldiers came out... YESS WE STAN A KING

It was so satisfying for tuello to say what fred was being arrested for as the americans looked on. SOOOO satisfying

As for Serena.... I think my question from earlier was answered in how she looked at him. She does still love him and so part of her felt terribly guilty for playing him. So the way she was treating fred earlier was because she does love him still but also knew she was betraying him

For the next few episodes... im guessing serena defected and gave fred up or gave them both up hoping doing so would let her see holly. Which ugh. If this season ends with serena in hawaii with holly instead of nick and june in hawaii with holly im gonna fucking riot.

anyway based on the preview moira, luke and holly visit fred and serena and fred is in a jail cell and its said serena betrayed him. but I couldn’t tell if serena was in a jail cell too. My guess is kind of what i predicted earlier in the season and that serena’s long term plan when she left canada was not to get holly back to gilead but was to find a way to leave gilead and take holly with her so i imagine she will try to get custody of holly ughhhhh.

If nick and june can’t be there to parent her then luke and moira should. not serena

im interested to see what happens in the next few episodes because so far this season has been all over the place and so who knows how it will end (i know some of what will happen but not everything and i want more spoilers)

#the handmaid's tale #the handmaid's tale spoilers #handmaid's tale #june osborne #elisabeth moss #serena joy waterford #yvonne strahovski #nick blaine #max minghella #joseph fiennes #fred waterford #bradley whitford #commander lawrence #tht #thtspoilers #tht spoilers #mine #hulu

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bat-lings · 5 years

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Opinion on Jason Todd/Bruce Wayne relationship as a father-son?

ALRIGHT the human rambling disaster that I am struck again

Jump to the conclusion if it’s too long!

It’s just really hard discussing anything about Jason without acknowledging the sheer mess that DC’s whims made of him. To take that inconsistency into account let’s consider his relationship with Bruce from three angles:

Before Jason’s death / during his Robin days as portrayed before Starlin;

Before Jason’s death / during his Robin days as portrayed since Starlin and up until Jason’s resurrection, through mentions & flashbacks;

Post-resurrection.

Sadly enough the first era is the only one that bothers to portray a father-son dynamic with enough content to have a real opinion on, but I’ll take what I have. And what we have then is pretty great.

Jason’s Robin days

We’re in the 80’s, and Jason & Bruce’s relationship is the most ridiculously pure thing to have graced our poor souls. It’s soft and good.

They have great interactions, a real proximity, and overall bring a lot into each other’s life. Alfred and Bruce are happy to have another kid at home, and Jason is as much in need of guidance & of a family as any other kid. Jason doubts himself a lot and Bruce does his best to reassure him. He’s also is a teasing little shit and that’s great.

[Batman #377 || Detective Comics #579]

[Detective Comics (1937) #573]

JASON YOU’RE TOO CUTE. Also the tired dad feel is strong in that one lmao. Jay, lad, my son, my life,, what have you done to the newspaper,,,,

Ahem right, less gushing more commenting.

As you can see, Jason and Bruce’s relationship before his death/resurrection is pretty peachy. The slice of life sequences strengthen their father-son bond into the reader’s mind. We’re shown they’re father and son rather than just told so.

At some point Bruce’s custody of Jason is temporarily threatened, and that arc is a vivid telling of how strong their bond is.

[Detective Comics #542 || Batman (1940) #377]

Just. That whole speech. “Only Jason is real.” Definitely one of my favorite papa-bat moments.

And as Robin? Jason is clever, often brings valuable insight during cases, and respects Bruce’s teaching and authority. Bruce makes a good job at addressing Jason’s insecurities and guiding him, both through his training and by honing his moral compass.

(Note that I said honing, ‘cause Jay’s moral sense is very much present well before he meets Bruce. He was cool with stealing to survive but Ma Gunn’s school was too much for him.)

He’s initially nothing like the violent angry kid he’s now known as. Pre-Starlin, the only times Jason acts brashly is when confronted with his father’s killer. When Bruce addresses the matter, it’s not about blaming or judging him. ‘Cause he gets it, but it’s also his job to make sure Jason’s not compromised.

[Detective Comics #580 & 581]

And when Jason promises to keep himself in check, it’s all it takes for Bruce to take him back on the case. That’s how much he trusts him. Read the end of the issue and see how Jason proves himself worthy of that trust.

Not only does Jason understand Bruce as much as Bruce understands him, but he’s very perceptive in general. He tends to be straightforward with what’s on his mind… at least when it comes to calling out Bruce lol

[Detective Comics #579]

(They’re talking about Leslie on the last one btw. She was Bruce’s surrogate mom after his parents’ death and they have a great dynamic. Another pearl straight outta the 80′s!)

They get each other, they trust each other, they respect each other. Honestly Bruce’s relationship with Jason was the most healthy he’s had with any of his kids.

We can kiss all of that goodbye after Starlin has his way with Jason. And since Starlin’s “““characterization””” is the one that crossed the years, of all things, we can consider Jason’s initial portrayal pretty much retconed— and his relationship with Bruce with it. Shame, huh?

Of Flashbacks and Victim-Blaming Robin days, 2.0

From the 90’s to the reboot there is… few material about Jason’s relationship with Bruce. Or about Jason outside of his death/Robin.

Whether Jason is mentioned or appears in a flashback, the goal isn’t to recall a father-son relationship. It’s to drive through the point that Jason was reckless and violent. That new portrayal has its predictable impact on their relationship, and that’s pretty much all there is to say.

[Gotham Knights #43]

Obviously Bruce doesn’t trust Jason, since Jason is now a “reckless angry kid who likes to inflict pain on criminals”. Beatty delivers cool stories, but if you read that arc you’ll see that he lies it very thick when it comes to victim-blaming Jason.

Depending which writer/comic book you’re reading, it’s implied or affirmed that Jason is Bruce’s son. You’ll probably have a line about Bruce’s unending guilt, or Jason’s (*sigh*) recklessness. Mostly Jason’s a cautionary tale addressed to either Tim (who never gave much of a shit about Jason btw) or Cass (Batgirl #7 is a rare instance where it’s done without victim-blaming because Pucket is da bomb).

But there’s legit no material about Jason’s childhood in the Manor, or how him and Bruce acted around one another, what they talked about, Jason’s personality aside of “angry”, how Bruce addressed his son’s self-doubts – oh right modern!Jason is an arrogant brat who claimed the Robin mantle for himself so that’s out.

DC rolled with Starlin’s portrayal, and didn’t bother to construct anything else between Jay & Bruce to replace the parts they chose to erase.

[Batman (1940) #645]

The point is: Jason and Bruce’s father-son relationship before Jason’s death is barely spoken of. We don’t know shit about how Jason was as a kid. Bruce loved him but didn’t trust him since his “mean streak” made him sooo dangerous and unmanageable. That’s it. Jason is the bad Robin first, the dead Robin second, and Bruce’s son last.

Resurrection and onward

Jason and Bruce’s relationship post-resurrection is complicated, for obvious reasons, and has interesting potential. My main problem with it is that it’s seldom addressed after Jason makes his dramatic return in UtH & the arc is closed.

For all that I have a love-hate relationship with Winick’s writing, and for all that I don’t like everything he’s done with Jason, his narrative is mostly coherent (and a good read overall!).

Winick doesn’t talk outward about Jason and Bruce’s bond before Jason’s death, but enough is implied. Jason’s damaged psyche centers around Bruce and what wrongs Jason considers to have suffered from him. He reorganizes his entire identity and actions around Bruce.

It’s not only consistent with Jason’s mental health at this stage, it’s telling of Bruce’s importance for him. The same way Bruce must have been his world after he took him out of the streets, Bruce is still very much his world when Jason is on a vengeance frenzy.

Killing Bruce, taking revenge against Bruce, making a point to Bruce; everything is about Bruce. It’s the whole “the opposite of love is apathy not hate” thing. DC could’ve expanded on that and made it evolve into whatever, but they just, y’know. didn’t.

[Batman (1940) #650]

I like Under the Hood and Lost Days well enough except for the Jason/Talia ugh. Problem is, DC obviously had no idea what to do with Jason after that, so his relationship with Bruce stays at a status quo.

Post-resurrection Jason isn’t so much estranged family than an antagonist who makes some cool appearances here and there— when they’re not so terribly written that they make me cringe.

There are some other interesting things here and there, giving depth to Jason’s estrangement from Bruce & the batfam…

[Green Arrow (2001) #72]

… but those elements are few and far between, and fail to establish a solid construction/development of any kind between Jason and Bruce. UtH!Jason put on some interesting bases but afterwards? Jason as a character is stagnating, and so is his relationship with any member of the batfam.

And then there’s the n52 & Rebirth I guess. It obviously wants to deliver a father-son narrative, but doesn’t do great job at it. Again, aside from a few cute scenes, the “he’s my son but he does baaaad things” eternal dilemma, and Jason’s newfound proximity with the batfam coming out of nowhere (especially with Tim wtf), I didn’t find much content to have a solid opinion on.

(Salty) conclusion

My opinion of Jason & Bruce’s father-son relationship is that it’s hella cute pre-Starlin and that Winick’s version of it makes sense within his Under the Hood & Lost Days narrative (I personally cut out “bad seed Jason” and keep most of the rest).

I think we lost a lot of potential when Starlin’s work became the reference. I think the Red Hood and his baggage with the whole fam could’ve been richer and more interesting if Jason’s initial characterization was kept in mind.

Yes, Jason and Bruce’s initial relationship could’ve used some more tension/conflict in between the sweet moments but… as far as I’m concerned Starlin’s writing wasn’t the way to go.

I think the only way to build a coherent interpretation of Jason & his relationship with the fam is to make a patchwork of canon elements and to fill in the blanks yourself. Thus what I have on Jason & Bruce that takes the Red Hood into account isn’t so much an “opinion” on canon material than a personal construction.

I’m sorry Anon, I bet that’s not what you expected when you sent that ask, but it’s all I have to give :’) Hope the answer is still okay & thanks for the ask!

#jason todd #bruce wayne #batfamily #batdad #batfam #red hood #batman #robin #dc comics #meta #dick grayson #barbara gordon #zae chatters #asks #my stuff

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dontyouhearmehowling · 4 years

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oh my god. Ok so I just scrolled through your blog and my heart hurts because there is so much love and just so much stuff I can relate too and I just ahhh damnnn it I cant even but like can I please have the story of your relationship with this girl your with? please? i'm a hopeless romantic I feel too much I love so hard my own love life is complicated but i know the kind of love you talk about thats exactly how i love the love of my life too so yours is a story I need to hear

ok so. it all started on April 31st, 2018. i reblogged one of those ask games and she sent me an emoji that said “i’m too scared to talk to you but i think you’re great” and i was like do it!!! and she did!!!! she texted me after i had already gone to sleep tho, so i only answered the next day. but then we talked all day. and the next. and the next. and we never ran out of things to talk about and even only knowing her for a few days i already felt comfortable enough with her to talk about anything?? it was wild. since day 1 we’ve had this connection that i’ve never had with anyone else and its my favorite thing in the world. after like a week we already had a bunch of inside jokes, something that i’d never had before, and i was already crushing on her. ok so we became very close friends like immediately, and i mostly ignored my crush on her bc i thought she didn’t like me back and usually i’d get meaningless crushes on everyone at first before i met her. but then this other girl and i started flirting and i realized i didnt like her bc i liked c too much, so i broke things off and kinda went like “oh shit this is real” and decided that i’d just stay friends with c until i eventually couldnt take it anymore and had to tell her abt my feelings bc thats how i am. anyways ok cool meanwhile i made her watch the good place on rabb.it with me which will be relevant later.

ok so fast forward to may 21st or something around that time. its time to sleep bc i have school the next day so we say goodnight, but then i guess she says something or reblogs something and i get sad bc i realize she doesnt like me back. so i make some hashtag sad posts abt yearning and then i realize i told her i was going to sleep and i didnt want her to think i didnt want to talk to her so i text her again and say like “ok i was going to go to sleep but then i got sad abt my crush” and SHE GOES “you have a crush????????” and im there like. what in the hell bc not only did i not try to hide it At All, i constantly posted about it and had an entire tag about her and i thought it was pretty obvious. so anyways i go “yes?? i thoought you knew that?? im literally always posting about it??” and she asks me to talk abt the crush and who it is. i say “just stalk the tag if u want, im going to sleep” then shes like “nO WAIT WHO IS IT” and im like. blatantly ignoring that and my heart is already beating out of my chest but she Really wants to know and then at one point i say “please dont make me answer that” so shE SAYS “you’re making me think that its me” and i say “i dont know what you want me to say” and SHE GOES “I WANT YOU TO SAY THAT ITS ME BC I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU” so i just. die. right then and there. also yknow we talk about it and its like after 1 am and im just happier than i’ve ever been. ok so 2 days later she asks me out Officially and its great and shes the cutest gf ever and she made me feel more wanted than i’d ever felt in my entire life. then 6 days later she sends me a big big big text on tumblr and long story short (bc it was kinda personal), she would be deleting her all social media for the summer.

so she was gone. and we had only dated for a week at this point, but we’d known each other for 2 months, and i already loved her. i already knew she was the love of my life. i didnt even try to move on, i’d tell people i didnt wanna move on cuz i knew i was meant to love her. i had another blog like this that i used to talk about how much i loved and missed her (so like. exactly like this). i literally reasoned with myself that like. that happened because before i met her i was in a really bad place after a terrible relationship and i was almost giving up on finding someone who actually made me feel loved bc i thought it would never happened, so i was like “ok so i was in a really bad place, so the universe brought my soulmate a little early just for a while so that i would know i had to hold on, and when its actually time for us to be together, it will bring us to each other once again” like i actually told myself that, in those words. and yknow what? i wasnt even wrong. on july 15th she texted me from an empty tumblr with her old url and at first i literally couldnt believe it but we talked for hours and hours and i asked her what happened bc i thought she was disconnecting for the summer and she said “i was. i am. i just couldnt not talk to you anymore” and she said that she thought about me every single day, and i told her i missed her and she said she didnt text sooner bc she thought i’d be angry at her and ofc i wouldnt, i could never be angry at her and besides, she was just taking care of herself and i said i dont think i could be anything less than head over heels for for, and she said she felt the same way, but wasnt ready to be more than friends yet. but that had always been more than enough for me. just having her in my life would always be more than enough for me. so we stayed friends.

then, on august 9th i got this ask.

and she saw it after i said i was gonna go to bed (bc again, i had school the next day) and she texted me a whole thing about how that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about her and that i should be asleep but she had to get it out of her chest and that her anxiety made it hard for her to show how much i meant to her so she was sorry if i didnt know and this would probably make no sense but she was tired of keeping it to herself bc shes the luckiest person alive for having met me and that it was gonna be so hard because shes so difficult (shes not) and her anxiety is difficult but that she literally spent every night thinking about me and of buying plane tickets to come see me so that she could be with me. then she was like “im sorry if this is uncomfortable to you and you can just ignore it but i think im in love with you and this is over text and not romantic at all (it was the most romantic night of my life) but you’re asleep (i wasnt) and we arent together but i want to be one day” and until this i was Trying to fall asleep and then i checked my phone that kept RINGING and died a thousand times over and started to answer and she sent other texts saying “i’ve never felt this way about anyone before i’m so in love with you its fucking ridiculous and this is gonna be so complicated but fuck i want this so bad / i’m sorry it took me so long / would you move to new york with me?” and i was This Close to literally fucking exploding like. how the hell was this happening how was it not a DREAM. so we talked and i obviously said i loved her too and eventually she asked me out and thats still probably the best night of my life. other highlights: “i’ve loved you way before august 9th so jot that down” and “off topic but i love you / you’re honestly my other half” and, after i said “you cant make me laugh its 2am”, she answered “i’m going to make you laugh for the rest of your life so help me god” and thats my favorite thing anyone has ever said to me probably and so far she’s kept her word.

anyways we got back together and then she told me that she never even told her friends she broke up with me??? bc that way she could keep pretending we were still together???? literally like sjdksndk imagine being this loved. i dont have to. anyways she wrote poems abt me sometimes and her christmas gift for me was gonna be a book with all her poems and she called it “what we owe to each other” because of the good place (remember how i said it’d be relevant later? its later) bc like she said that when we were watching tgp together on rabb.it thats when she realized that she Really Truly liked me like For Real. and the inscription on the book was going to be “to the girl i love / and what i owe her” and. yall. i cry. anyways one of the poems had a huge impact on us. heres the story:

and she got them but we broke up before she got to mail them to me. what happened was she had some mental health problems and she said she couldnt give me what i needed at the time but knew i’d still give her my all bc thats just how i am and she thought it wouldnt be fair so she broke things off to work on her mental health. she said she would need some time before we could be friends. the last thing we said was that we loved each other. this was in like november 2018, and we didnt talk for months. i actually tried to move on this time after a while, but it didnt take. and then i gave up for good. havent tried since. but anyways, then, on march 11th, 2019, i had my first day of college back in my home country, and we have this “pranks”/games that seniors get to do to the freshmen, and one of them required eggs, and they asked us to paint them, so i panted mine as iron man bc it was easy, but c LOVES iron man. like. LOVES. like in a Whole New Level of loving. once when we were dating she said she loved me more than tony stark and i was like. shook. like she tattooed “T.S” on her ankle after him. u get the point. she loves him very much, its adorable and endearing and i love it. anyways. so i sent her a picture of it saying like “you dont have to answer this but i made this for my university and i thought you would like it” and she answered and IMMEDIATELY something clicked and we talked and talked and talked and it was never weird or awkward or uncomfortable. it never is with her. its incredible, i cant explain it. i Know shes my soulmate like thats the ONLY possible explanation for this kind of connection. its unreal. anyways. we became friends again! all was well.

then one beautiful night she drunk texts me sndjkajs she sends me so many texts and says it sucks that we live so far away and that she saw my posts (in this particular case, one that said something about like. when she talked about love now, was it about someone else?) and she said that it wasnt. and then she went to sleep and i only saw the texts when i woke up and i was DYING bc we had a 4 hour difference and it’d take a while for her to wake up. when she did, we talked and she said she wasnt over me and was scared she might never be, and even though we were still gonna stay friends, it was nice to know that she still loved me. ok so fast forward a bit more and i was starting to wonder if she’d moved on again, when she finds out her best friend had a crush on her, and that conversation ends up with her saying “it was 100% platonic for me / sorry if thats weird i just wanted you to know that” and it was NOT weird it was GREAT NEWS bc i was Hella jealous of her best friend and at first i wondered if they were dating and anyways the fact that she wanted me to know that was a pretty good hint that she still had feelings for me. ngl im still somewhat jealous of h (c’s best friend), but thats just bc im an insecure lil bitch and also bc they get to go out and do stuff together that i cant do with c bc of the distance, yknow? but anyways. then she went on a graduation trip in mid to the end of june and she bought me a magnet. just. out of nowhere. i cannot stress enough how Incredibly unexpected this was. so much so that i actually convinced myself that it meant she was over me????? literally. what the fuck. anyways we named him together and coincidentally (or bc of soulmate powers. who knows) we both had the same favorite names. i still love that.

okay so then we go to july 29th, 2019. first of all theres one of my favorite interactions Ever which was like after i was venting about something and i was thanking her and i said “you’re always here for me” to which she answered “nowhere else i’d rather be” and i still think thats peak romance and i will take no criticism on this. anyways so then she sent me a poem that she wrote based on a song i’d sent her (the song i called “heaven is a place” and its the BIGGEST mood for being in love and i sent it to her bc it was how i felt about her so her writing a poem about it?? literally the best thing ever. love it) anyways it was a beautiful poem and i cried and got very emotional and kinda went too far in my compliments (aka being very obvious about my romantic feelings) and then i was like oh no sorry if i made u uncomfortable and she was like. “you have NEVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER made me uncomfortable” “you’re the only person on planet earth i am comfortably myself around” and “there’s nothing you could ever say that i wouldn’t wanna hear” and anyways it was just very good and romantic conversation even tho we were just cough cough platonic hashtag gal pals hashtag no homo ✌️ and then she was like ok wait. i need to talk to u abt something. and in short she said she was waiting for us and i was like well what are you waiting for exactly? and she was like idk?? for us to accidentally bump into each other in new york in a few years?? WHICH WAS LITERALLY WHAT I’D DAYDREAM ABOUT BACK IN JUNE 2018 BEFORE SHE CAME BACK OKAY so anyways we had a Great conversation and said i love you about a thousand times each and she decided she was gonna buy tickets to come see me. and then she dID like TWO DAYS LATER. lichrally. queen of impulsivity but in the best way possible.

—————

ok quick edit here cuz i forgot to say that when i found out she was coming i asked for my mom’s help to make a necklace pendant for her from scratch. my mom works with prosthetics so she has the material to make jewelry and back when c and i were dating in 2018 i had made this lil design for a necklace that had the moon and the ocean (bc duh) and i was gonna give it to her for valentines day in 2019 but we broke up before that so i didnt get the chance, but when i found out i was meeting her i knew i had to. so i made the necklace in wax, like this:

and my mom took it to her work and heated it up to melt it and keep the shape of it to fill with silver, and this was the result:

i gave it to her when she got here and she wore it while she was here and it made me so happy. ok edit over

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ok so we kept being like couple-y but not officially in a relationship bc we didnt want to make her anxiety worse. also at one point she was like “so about the ‘i love you more than the moon/ocean’ thing, since we BOTH love BOTH of the moon AND the ocean, i think its only Fair if we update our love declarations to ‘i love you more than the mocean’ bc its mix of both but thats not a word, buT its pronounced exactly like ‘motion’. therefore we should both start saying ‘i love you more than the motion’”. so now we have both the wonderful, romantic, original version, and the NOT ROMANTIC AT ALL DO U HEAR ME C??? version :) and after this day she always started with the WORST!!!!!! version, and i always started with the Only Valid Version, but we’d still answer each other’s ofc because. well. thats love i gues?? it sorta goes like this though: her: i love you more than the motion / me: i hate u / me: i literally hate u so much / me: i Also love you more than the motion

but anyways she was coming to visit me but the plane ticket wasnt for my home country it was for where i was going to university at (a new university, i was starting over) and when i first got here on this campus, i didnt have a working phone number for this country, and i wouldnt be able to access the wifi for 3 days, so i had no way of talking to her. it was TERRIBLE and i missed her more than anything in my LIFE but when i got wifi (after CRYING to the people here bc theyre the most unorganized uni ever and i was already very overwhelmed and stressed) i immediately called her and she’d sent me over 100 text messages dkfjssjks it was amazing, there were two (2) videos of her singing (which is like. objectively the best thing in the world, and the song was rlly romantic and i love it sm when she showed it to me for the first time she said it made her think abt me), a poem, AND a HUGE text with “i love you” written like. a THOUSAND TIMES. seriously i have a gif of it opening and scrolling bc it was so long that the text wouldnt show up directly on the chat screen and u have to click on it to see the rest. i’d never felt more loved in my entire life by anyone ever. anyways so then it came the day for her to get here and i had to wake up at 5 am to go get her at the airport and the uber was like $40 but who CARES it was the best day of my LIFE and i got there 20 minutes earlier bUT GUESS WHAT SO DID SHE (hashtag just soulmate things) then we facetimed the entire time while she was walking through the airport and getting her luggage and then she hung up to walk to the door where i was and we hugged for like 5 minutes and we were totally in people’s way and also almost fell but it was the best thing in the world and i never should’ve let her go. but, we had to go home, so i did. and we spent 4 days together and im not gonna go into details bc this is already too long but u can always send me another ask about her visit if ur not a coward. also i bought her a hoodie from my uni and whenever she wears it i just. die. in short, those days were the happiest i’ve ever been. this campus res had never felt like home before that friday and it hasnt again since that monday, but i swear to god, during those 4 days, this was the only place i could possibly belong.

anyways then she left and i cried for the entire uber ride home and then i cried all day. lmao. also when she was here she gave me the poetry book, the magnet, and the bracelet. still wear the bracelet every single day and i love it more than anything. but then personal stuff happened and we kinda stopped being couple-y again and we’re just friends now but before new years i asked her if she still loved me and she said yes and she said she’d tell me if it changed so ✌️✌️ im assuming it hasnt. even tho my brain is a bitch and everyday its like. today. today is the day. this is when its gonna happen. buT yknow we’ve spent months before without even talking to each other and we got through that still in love, so i mostly ignore it. and tbh i know that actually like, even if we grow apart now (god forbid, but still) we’ll find our way back to each other eventually. like, i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: nothing, not even the universe itself, can convince me that shes not my soulmate. and even if it turns out i’m not hers, loving her is still the greatest honor i can think of.

another edit: also i started drawing recently and the first person i’ve ever finished drawing was her and also (surprise surprise @c since you’re already seeing all my feelings anyway) bc of my second drawing i almost missed the deadline for one of my midterms (which was a take-home test) bc instead of writing it i spent the entire day before the deadline finishing the drawing which was a secret valentines day gift (secret as in she didnt know it was supposed to be a gift, she thought it was just a drawing inspired by a quote that she loves) and i finished at 2 am but shes 3 hours behind so for her it was still 11 pm which MEANS it was still valentines day so it still counts, i win, lesbian rights!

#mine #l #answered #dont rb #i dont think anyone will but this is personal and i dont want to risk it getting out #i wanna have this bc i love telling people this story and next time someone asks i’ll just send them this post

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phandomficfests · 5 years

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Writer’s Corner: phloridas

Introductions

First things first, tell us a little about yourself. Hi, I’m Claire! I’m 22 years old, from Illinois, and like most 20-somethings, have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Things have been been pretty turbulent these last few years, as I started college studying Elementary Education but transferred schools a couple years ago to study Creative Writing. I had recently fallen in love with writing all over again and wanted to improve my craft/possibly work with books as a career. That school, however, wasn’t a great fit for me and after months of struggling, I dropped out last October and have been slowly putting myself back together since. I’m now hoping to transfer again to a school closer to home to finish my Elementary Ed degree, as I really do have a passion for teaching and children and thoroughly enjoyed those classes when I was taking them. So fingers crossed things can work out there! :)

How long have you been writing for? I wrote and posted my first phanfiction in October 2016 but if you’re talking fanfiction in general, my first ever fic was a terrible Glee one that I scribbled in my 9th grade biology notebook in the spring of 2012 and thankfully never posted anywhere. I’ve also been writing original stories and keeping journals on and off since I was 6--which is a really long time, now that I’m thinking about it!

Tell us about your current project. Ok! I’m currently working on a few things: first is my PRB, second is a fic I was commissioned to write for the Phandom Gives charity drive and the third is a much longer thing I’ve been working on for about a year now, where Dan and Phil are telling the story of their lives and releasing it as a book for their 10th anniversary, and dealing with all the emotions that arise from all that—so basically my fever dream for 2019, which feels more possible than ever now in this post-coming out universe.0 unread message

What is your current word count? 245,379 or 259,014 counting my wips! (Damn, I wish I had that much in dollars lmao)

Questions on Writing

Do you try to write daily? Do you have a word count or other goals you try to hit for each writing session? As long as my mental health is decent and I’m not sick or anything, I try to write every day! I haven’t had a word count goal for a while but recently, I’ve started using a word count tracker and it’s been amazing to see my progress through that! My base goal is normally 500 words but if I’m not working that day, I try to go for 1k or to the end of whatever scene I’m working on.

How do you feel about the arguments against real person fic? I totally understand why some people may be uncomfortable reading it--I personally hate talking about it, even with my closest irl friends--but I don’t think anyone should tell someone what they can and can’t write. Does it sometimes feel weird, especially after seeing them at TATINOF and II and meeting them at II? Sure, but it helps that dnp themselves are cool about it. For me, writing is all about getting these stories out of my head, and it just so happens that all my stories feature Dan and Phil. So yeah, I’m gonna write and post them no matter what anyone else says.

What challenges you most in your writing? Myself. Much like Dan, my perfectionism makes me my own harshest critic and so many times, has completely destroyed my productivity. I also have a really bad habit of comparing myself to others, which only got worse after I started taking writing classes and saw just how talented some of my peers were. However, after speed writing most of my last fic in the two weeks before its posting date and seeing the amazing response that’s gotten, I’ve gained a lot more confidence in my writing abilities and don’t overthink as much, which has been really nice!

What's your favorite piece of feedback you've ever gotten? All the comments on my most recent fic, an act of infinite optimism, have been incredible and I’m SO happy it got such a good response! I was a bit hesitant about it, as it’s from Dan’s mum’s point of view and seeing as I’m not a mother myself (and currently have no interest in becoming one), I wasn’t sure how well it would resonate. But I think reading Michelle Obama’s memoir helped a lot, since her story helped me see exactly what being a working mom is like, which gave me so much more empathy for moms everywhere. And people have said this fic resonates well with them, whether or not they’re a mom themselves, which is so amazing to hear!

What do you think makes a good story? I’m quite easy to please so honestly, if the author has put lots of love and hard work into a story, I’m so here for it! But some of my favorite stories are the ones that focus most on character development and that follow the characters through an emotional journey. Basically, if your premise is Dan and Phil talking about their feelings and learning more about themselves in the process, it’s an automatic yes from me. Like I said, I’m not picky :)

How do you balance writing for yourself vs. writing what people want to read? Honestly, it’s not something I think about all that much? If I have an idea I really like, there’s a 95% chance I’ll write it just so I can get it out of my head. And normally what people want to read is the kind of thing I want to write (like my take on the 2017 Lester family Christmas, which was super well received), so it works out quite well!

What inspired whatever you’re currently working on? For my current wip (the one I’ve been working on since August), I actually was inspired by Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl and its use of excerpts from Cath’s fics or the Simon Snow books before each chapter. As a dnp tell all book is something I’ve dreamed of for years, it occured to me that I could write that book, or little bits of it anyway, and the story of how that book gets created! And maybe confronting their past selves will allow dnp to move on with the rest of their lives, finally settling down and living their domestic dreams! So beyond the initial idea, the rest is pretty much all the hopes and dreams I had for 2019 before the reality of this year came crashing down on us all :D

What is your ideal writing environment? Literally, in my bed, snuggled under the covers. I don’t have a desk in my room and don’t feel comfortable writing anywhere else so 99% of my it happens here, on my semi-functional laptop. Or hastily typed out on my phone whilst hiding behind a large clothing display at work, but idk if I would call that ideal lmao

Don’t forget that you can check out Claire on tumblr at @phloridas or on AO3 here. If you’d like to be on the list for a Writer’s Corner feature, sign up here!

#writer's corner

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fluffyasra · 5 years

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Apprentice Questionnaire!

I figured, what better way to introduce my MC (and myself, and this blog) than by filling this out?!

What is their full name? Elit Aroha Wingate

Zodiac sign: Aquarius (her birthday is February 14th)

In detail describe how they look: She is fairly short in stature, and a little chubby. She has long rosy blonde hair that falls in big, loose waves. She has a smattering of light freckles across her nose and cheeks, with a few light ones on her shoulders. Her eyes are a dark green and she has long, dark lashes. She has a small, straight nose, and ears that are ever so slightly larger than average, which she is very self conscious about. Although she is very soft, she has surprisingly small, bony wrists, and small hands and feet.

How old are they? 21 years old

What clothes to they like to wear? She usually wears a loose white blouse that sits off her shoulders, and burgundy harem pants. She likes anything that’s comfortable and makes her look mysterious. She doesn’t like to show off her figure, although when she does she often gets complimented on her hourglass figure.

What’s their favorite piece of clothing? A pink square scarf made of silk that she was given as a gift, although she can’t remember who gave it to her. She likes to use it to tie back her hair.

Any piercings? Only two in her ear lobes. She’s afraid of the pain of other piercings.

Do they have any other jewelry they wear? She has a rose quartz necklace, on a long leather thong. She also has a gold ring with a small heart-shaped ruby, and a matching bracelet, that she wears all the time.

Any tattoos? No. She admires them on other people, but doesn’t have any of her own.

How old are they? -//-

What do they smell like? She smells like jasmine, neroli, mandarins and Asra’s smoky tea.

What are their four trinkets? A small opal, her ruby ring, an elegant but chipped tea cup, and her pink slipper.

GOVERNMENT MANDATED FERSONA A cat

What kind of magic are they good at? She is very creative and enjoys magic that reflects this. However, she can also be studious when necessary, and is able to quickly master even complex spells, as she is a fast learner.

What kind of magic are they bad at? She has never been good at any kind of offensive magic, as she is too afraid of harming anyone around her to practice.

Of the four, six or seven magical elements which are they most connected to? Four: fire,air water earth. six: fire,air,water, wood,earth, metal. Seven:fire, air, water, wood, earth, metal, aither. Elit loves to be around water, which is reflected in her magic. She loves swimming, rainy weather, baths...anything that means she can be around water.

What does their gateway look like prior to their memory loss? What does it look like afterwards? Prior to her memory loss, it’s lots of pink and gold tones. It looks like a sunset over a lake. Fluffy clouds, shimmering sunlight. Afterwards, it’s the same place, but all the colours have faded. There’s a silvery haze over the whole scene now.

Do they have a familiar? If they do. What type of animal is it? What is it’s name? Is it still around after they lost their memory? She used to have a black cat named Bella (like Belladonna) but can’t remember her any more. Bella still hangs around, checking up on Elit, but Elit doesn’t realise the connection at the moment.

Have they ever cursed someone? No! She could never. She can hold a grudge though.

How do they handle those headaches/migraines? Sleep and tea are her ultimate remedy for everything. A huge cup of tea, and getting tucked up in her quilt are her favourite way to cope.

What tarot card do they connect the most with? Strength. She shines most through patience and compassion.

Where were they born? She was born in a busy coastal town with a big focus on fishing. Her family moved to Vesuvia for a lifestyle change, to move to what they perceived to be a higher class area.

What is their favorite color? Pink!

What is their least favorite color? Orange

Are they right handed, left handed or ambidextrous? Right handed

What were they like as a child? Elit was quietly curious, and very shy. She spent a lot of her time playing alone, or roping her parents into her games. She enjoyed exploring the beach in her hometown, and playing ‘house’. She did well at school and loved to read, but had few friends.

What were their parents like? Her mother was kind and gentle, but also exuberant and outgoing. She had many friends, and loved to entertain, hosting them for meals on a regular basis. She owned a tea house, which fit her personality well. She was friendly with most of her regular customers, and always had time to chat with them. Elit’s father was more serious and quiet, but still had a good, kind heart. He worked long hours as a book keeper for the bank in town.

Do they have any siblings? If the answer is yes how many? No, Elit’s mother was very ill when she was pregnant and was advised not to risk a second child.

Do they have any other relatives they are close with? Elit used to be close with her cousins in her hometown, but didn’t really keep in touch when they moved, and now doesn’t remember them anyway.

What are they afraid of? She is terribly afraid of spiders and of losing Asra, as he is the only person close to her.

What do they identify as? Female

Do they have any allergies? No.

Do they have any other medical problems? No. Elit is physically fairly healthy.

What about mental health issues? She struggles with anxiety, but has been working on improving her coping techniques and strategies.

What’s that personal hygiene regimen like? Elit loves to bathe, and is always very clean.

Favorite rock or gemstone? Rose quartz, as it symbolises love to her.

Favorite tree? Jacaranda. She loves the flowers.

Favorite type of weather? Rain!

Least favorite type of weather? Hot and humid.

What is their favorite season? She loves autumn, as the temperature is cool, and it rains often.

How many languages could they speak before the memory loss? How many do they currently speak? Before her memory loss, Elit could speak a local dialect of her hometown, but no longer remembers, so can only speak one.

Do they sing or play any instruments? Elit loves to sing. She isn’t great, but definitely isn’t terrible either. She can play the harp.

What do they tend to joke about? Most of her jokes are quite self-deprecating.

After a stressful day how do they relax? With a bath with lots of oils, a huge mug of hot tea, and spending time alone. She loves being around Asra, but needs time to herself to relax.

Guilty pleasures? She secretly loves going to the marketplace, buying a whole loaf of fresh white bread, and eating it all while watching the shows people often put on for the children.

idiosyncrasies? She will only drink out of mugs, never glassware. Elit is very sentimental, and keeps every card and letter she receives. She will find one thing that she loves to eat, and eat nothing else for a couple of weeks.

How do they act when they first meet someone new? How quickly do they warm up to them? Elit is very shy, and hates meeting new people. However, she has become quite good at putting on a front and acting friendly. It takes her a while to warm to someone, and is easily put off them.

In what order would they prioritize Love, fame, money, power, and knowledge? Love, knowledge, money, power, fame.

List four or more things they love to do: Elit loves swimming, baking, singing, reading, learning new magic and visiting new and exciting places with Asra.

List four or more things they hate to do: She hates doing the dusting, and is attempting to formulate a spell to do this for her. She also hates being in large social situations, running and having to ask shop assistants for help.

List five or more things they have said that sum up who they are: “You big dummy!” “Yikes” “I love this song, it’s sooOOoOoOoooOO romantic!” “Excuse me, sir, but that is MY spot and nobody else can sit there.” “No, thank you.”

How do they react to (both verbal and physical) conflict? Elit is very passive, and avoids conflict wherever possible. If she finds herself in a situation, she is most likely to back down and let the other person win.

What kind of bad habits to they have? She is very messy, and is forever leaving her belongings lying around. She is also often inclined to be quite judgemental of others.

What kind of character faults do they have? She is absent minded and forgetful, which often leads to her having to start over on tasks, due to her losing focus halfway through. She can also occasionally come across as being very blunt, as she gets nervous and ends up just saying exactly what she means.

What’s their best trait in their opinion? Physically, she likes her hands. Personality wise, she likes the way she looks after those she cares for.

What do they think of their appearance? Most of the time, she is fairly indifferent. She doesn’t think she’s anything special, but also doesn’t hate the way she looks. Although, she is often hung up about her weight.

How do they interact with people in a position of authority? Elit is very respectful, having grown up with such a serious father. She prefers speaking to people in these positions as there is a formula to follow when she talks, and she doesn’t have to think on her feet too much.

Who did they look up to as a kid? She always wanted to be like her mum, confident and well loved. She also admired the hardworking fishermen in her town, and respected their dedication.

How do they interact with kids? She doesn’t like babies and toddlers much, but loves children! She will happily join their games, and her imagination is almost as wild as theirs.

Do they want kids of their own someday? She would love nothing more than to have her own family.

Are they religious? If so what god/goddess or gods/goddesses do they worship? Elit doesn’t follow any one religion, but likes to draw principles of kindness and respect from different areas.

What do they think the meaning of life is? To love, and be loved.

What would they want their last words to be? To tell her family how much she loves them.

What do they want to do before they die? So many things! She wants to see more of the world, learn as much about magic as she possibly can, reconnect with relatives and fall in love (properly).

What/how do they want to be remembered for after they die? For being sunshine in human form.

How do they express affection? In every way possible! Elit is very affectionate with those she truly cares about. She loves to give presents, and the people especially close to her are fortunate to receive her hugs.

What do they normally eat for breakfast? She doesn’t often eat breakfast, but she loves pancakes. She would usually just have a cup of tea.

Do they like spicy food? Yes!

Favorite fruit and/or vegetable? Her favourite fruits are tropical ones like pineapples, melons, and mangoes. She much prefers vegetables though, and particularly like courgettes.

Do they like sweets? Elit has a huge sweet tooth.

Do they drink alcohol? If they do, what do they act like when they’re drunk? She does drink, but not all that often. She is a huge flirt and overly affectionate when she’s drunk, which has got her into some awkward situations!

How do they take their tea/coffee? Her tea is always clean, no milk or sugar, but on the rare occasion she has coffee, she likes it with lots of frothed up milk.

What food would they refuse to eat? She can’t stand eggplant.

Is there anything they eat that most people would find unappealing? Elit loves most seafood, and really likes mushrooms.

When going on the road what food could they not live without? Bread!

What meal gives them a sense of nostalgia? Baked fish is something her mum often made. Fragrant with lemon and fresh herbs, the smell evokes a nostalgic feeling inside her that she cannot currently place.

What do they do when no one’s around? She loves to sing and dance like crazy to get out any excess energy. She is also quite partial to a snoop through Asra’s things.

How would they react if a prized possession got stolen? She would cry, and enlist the help of everyone she could to get it back.

What’s the first thing they would buy if they won the lottery? A private bathhouse.

What would their favorite modern invention be? Tumblr! She would enjoy the connection with likeminded people without having to physically meet them.

In a new unfamiliar place what do they do? Explore! Elit loves new places. She would, however, prefer Asra to be by her side though.

Someone just threatened them what do they do? Try to calm and soothe the person. She doesn’t do conflict, so would try to avoid the situation.

A rather well rich looking woman just dropped her purse and didn’t notice. What do they do? Return it (and secretly hope for a reward!).

What’s the worst thing someone has said to them? That she doesn’t deserve her happiness.

What is the strangest thing they’ve ever come across? Asra has loads of...interesting things in his possession that she’s found while snooping, But she can never ask about them, because then he’ll know she was snooping.

Someone just stole food from them what do they do? Let them, and not say anything, but inside be annoyed.

They meet a man at a crossroads. The man says they can have everything they’ve ever wanted. What happens next? She would be curious, but her inner cynic would take over. She’d say “no thank you” and leave.

As a child what would they say they wanted to be as an adult? ie. When I grow up I’m going to _______ She would have loved to be a writer.

What’s their D&D alignment? Chaotic good.

What is the stupidest thing they’ve ever done? As a child, she almost caused a fire by trying to melt marshmallows using the heating in her bedroom.

Have they ever got in trouble with the law or been arrested? No, even if she had done anything to warrant her arrest, Elit is sneaky enough to not get caught.

Do they know how to win a fight? Probably not.

Are they good at hand to hand combat? Again, probably not. She can hold her own for a while, but would be unlikely to win.

Have they ever stolen something? When she was a kid, Elit used to steal small tokens from people and give them to her friends as gifts.

Have they ever killed someone? No!

What/who do they find disgusting? She is terribly squeamish and is disgusted by anything medical or otherwise that would trigger this.

What upsets them the most? Unrequited love. Either her own, or when her friends are pining after someone.

What anime character would they be? Nagisa from Free!

What disney character would they be? Snow White

What monster would they be? Some kind of ghoul

What mythological figure would they be? Undine

List three songs that you associate with them. Let Me Down Slowly by Alec Benjamin, broken by lovelytheband, and Take My Breath Away by Berlin.

#arcana #the arcana #the arcana game #mc #oc #my oc #the arcana mc #tag game #questionnaire #elit #mine #my post #original character #main character #thearcanagame

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aros001 · 3 years

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First time read through light novel vol. 3. Random thoughts.

The Six Witches had made the world scream, but this witch wiped them out in one fell swoop, ushering in a calamity that destroyed half the world.

A hero had sealed her flesh within a crystal, where she continued to sleep, even then, in some corner of the world.

I'd say Satella is like this world's Voldemort with how much people hesitate to even talk about her, but honestly she seems like she'd slap the back of his bald head and call him a bitch. Honestly, she's the character I'm looking forward to getting to know more about than the rest of the cast, even Emilia, whom I've heard gets a lot of her development after where the anime left off. Given how plenty of "witch" stories go in fiction and even Ram telling Subaru that the country naturally has a bias against the witch because of its connection to the dragon that helped seal her, I could totally see this being a situation where Satella was just trying to stop evil (the Six Witches) and ended up being persecuted and called a monster by history. ...But I wouldn't be opposed to her just being f**king evil. I love me a good villain.

I already liked Rem and Beatrice from the anime, but while I never disliked Emilia and Ram, I am finding myself a lot more into those two through these books than I was before. I can't quite put my finger on what's different. I suppose knowing where things go helps a bit but the narration and going at my own pace gives me better focus on their interactions and relationships with Subaru. I don't think I got as good a feel for Emilia's character in the anime and while I still don't know a lot about her, I do think she has a bit more reaction here. She can get angry, pout, and does seem to genuinely enjoy Subaru's company, where maybe she felt a little too one-note sometimes in the anime? I don't know. And Ram is just the best. I live for her attitude and she does give off a bit of a big sister vibe when she's with Subaru. Like Roswaal noted in the first loop in his and her private chat, Ram does seem actually fond of Subaru. Not in a romantic way. She just seems to have fun with him, especially with all her little jabs and slight bullying.

“My specialty is ice, but it’s actually fire mana. Fire relates mainly to temperature, so cooling that which is hot is classified as part of fire, apparently.”

I'm apparently a f**king nerd because I love getting rules for a world's made-up systems like magic and this is a pretty unique style compared to what I'm used to. The elements are not constrained just to what something literally is but rather how it relates to something. Ice is water but what forms ice is temperature. Water is more related to healing.

The right hand went for his heart; the other caressed Subaru’s cheek like it was fond of him.

Again, I'm really looking forward to knowing what the deal is with Subaru and Satella (assuming the hands are hers), especially since he comments that the hand on his cheek brought a sense of warmth and relief (while the other was squeezing his heart). Consciously or not, he's feeling some kind of connection to her.

I'm a big fan of superhero stories, and while there's nothing better than seeing the hero win after a hard fought battle, there is one trope I really like, where what defines a hero isn't just the battles they win but what they do when faced with a battle they can't. Credit to Subaru, he knew he had little to no chance of beating the shaman and its hordes. He was terrified, drained, badly injured, and even crying for his parents...and he still fought anyway. I think the narration implies that's part of what impressed Rem too when they were working to save the kids; Subaru doing everything he can to help in spite of his uselessness.

For some reason, when her fingers gently grazed his mind, Subaru wanted to weep. The wave of strange emotion washing over him suggested that he had always been waiting for her to do so.

He had an instinctive desire for the wriggling shadow to embrace him, to swallow him whole—and then it stopped. Something had stopped it.

Subaru’s mind realized that there was another shadow, its white fingers embracing him from behind.

Two shadows? I'm under the impression one of them is Satella but I'm curious who the other is? Given Rem was holding Subaru's hand when he woke up I'd think it was her but the narration talks about the shadow coming from behind him, nothing to do with his hands.

She had short blue hair. Her face was more the “lovely” than “pretty” type. At first, he thought she showed little emotion on her face, but she was coming around on that bit by bit. He wasn’t afraid of her. He wasn’t afraid of her at all.

There was a Rem who had made Subaru loop more than once, but here was a Rem happy from the bottom of her heart that he had come back alive. It was all by chance.

There was the Rem who ran amok for her sister’s sake, the Rem who acted rashly to protect Subaru, the Rem who ran off before switching to Berserker Mode so that she wouldn’t cause friendly fire—

One suggestion I've seen before about why Subaru might not ever be able to return Rem's feelings in full, beyond his own love for Emilia, is because he'll always have those past memories of Rem torturing him. That no matter how much he grows to like her their relationship will always be held back because he subconsciously still associates that horrible experience with her. I'll have to see how if the books ever bring that up, because while I can buy that being a thing, Subaru seems to view the Rem that tortured him and the Rem he knows as two different people, acknowledging how mixed up she is. His feelings for Emilia are definitely stronger, given that she's been his rock and oasis throughout all his lives and horrible experiences; the one consistently good thing he could always count on. But I'm not sure how much he holds it against other people. Only the three thugs and Elsa have been consistently awful to him.

Also, I'm don't know what's funnier: that they tied Emilia to a chair to keep her from going after Subaru, or that it was Beatrice's idea and Puck helped her with it?

Roswaal and Ram is going to be interesting going forward, especially because I'm not sure yet whether to trust him. Roswaal is a very fun character and has helped Subaru a few times...but he's definitely shady. And that comment that the hornless beasts obey whoever cut off their horns...so does that apply to demons like the twins as well? I'm not saying Roswaal had anything to do with Ram losing her horn, it easily could be just a situation he took advantage of.

I always found the source of Rem's guilt complex really interesting because it's such an extreme reaction but it also feels oddly realistic. She felt happy, just for a moment, about something terrible and spent the next several years of her life feeling so guilty over it that she gave up practically everything about herself to try and make up for it. There's no doubt in my mind that the sisters love each other and that's probably why it hit her so hard. If Ram was just some pompous bitch who didn't deserve any of her strength and skill it'd be one thing, but Ram did take care of Rem and Rem did admire and love her, thus why she feels like such scum being momentarily happy about one of the worst things possible happening to her beloved sister, just so she'd never have to live in her shadow again. You spend enough time obsessing and beating yourself up over something like that, of course you develop a complex. I don't blame Ram for not trying to straighten Rem out sooner either. She was also just a kid when it happened and while she told Subaru the loss of her horn doesn't bother her anymore (or at least doesn't bother her as much as it did), then that implies it was a major blow to her back then. I don't think she ever took it out on Rem, more likely that she was just depressed or felt empty/incomplete and Rem picking up the slack and always helping out probably made that time a little easier to deal with. By the time Ram is old enough to realize the complex her sister's developed Rem's too far down the spiral for her to simply be talked out of it. The only adult figure left in their lives who could have stopped all of this was Roswaal and he's made pretty clear he has no problem using Ram as a way to keep Rem loyal. I don't know his character well enough yet to say where his morality lies, but he doesn't strike me as the type of guy to sit a young Rem down and try to talk her through her guilt; not when it can be used in purpose of his great goal, something to do with when a dragon (assumedly the one from the Witch of Envy story) dies.

I've only seen the anime once so I can totally believe I probably missed all the parallels this arc draws between Subaru and Rem and I love them.

And seeing him struggle so hard to produce results in spite of inferior ability reminded her of someone, but she couldn’t put her finger on it.

Both of them working themselves frantically, bottling up their feelings as their thoughts are running so fast that they're about ready to crack from all the pressure and guilt they're placing on themselves. When Subaru is attacked by the dogs upon pushing Rem out of the way she flashes back to when Ram got her horn cut off saving her, practically doubling her guilt complex. My favorite comes at the end after Subaru and Rem's talk. While she's not in his lap, her crying and letting her emotions flow while he gently strokes her hair is a great callback to when he was crying in Emilia's lap. While it's not exactly a dignified way you'd want to look in front of the person you love, making you seem a lot like a child, for Subaru and Rem's own mental health it was definitely what they needed. At the very least, in Rem's case, while he didn't hear the full story because he didn't want her to tell him, he'd heard enough to piece together her breakdown was over feelings of guilt and inferiority towards her sister. With poor Subaru, he can't tell Emilia the real reason for his breakdown. As far as her perspective goes, Subaru was so frantic and pushing himself way too hard simply because he was afraid of having to leave them, which technically is true, but she'll never know how real it is to him the possibility that he might just lose everything or how many times he's already gone through that.

“So I mean, you said you were a substitute, but Ram has no substitute for you, does she? I mean, if you weren’t there for her, can you imagine the state she’d be in?”

I love that line. It's a great callback, as while Rem will never know it, Subaru himself has seen how deeply Ram loves her and the state she'd be in if Rem died. But if I'm remembering correctly how the later arcs go, it's another nice parallel between Subaru and Rem. In this case, him being so lost in his devotion to Emilia that he doesn't consider her side of things, but I'll talk more about that if and when it does come up in the story.

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Re_Zero/comments/gmek8z/novels_first_time_read_through_light_novel_vol_3/

#re:zero #random thoughts #reddit repost

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sumukhcomedy · 3 years

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A Brown Man in Rural America

I split time between living in Los Angeles and the plains of Colorado from 2017 to 2020. Given the circumstances in America, this gave me a particularly unique experience. I lived amidst the supposed “Hollywood elite” and liberalism of Los Angeles and also the supposed backwards MAGA-loving world of rural America. I also am a Brown-skinned man, which provides an additional unique experience in both environments.

I grew up in suburban Cleveland. I went to college in the town of Oxford in Southwest Ohio. I lived in my 20s in downtown Columbus. Being a stand-up comedian out of Columbus gave me the opportunity to perform in towns I would not have otherwise known even existed not just in Ohio but in many states across the country. It prepared me for all possibilities in my existence. After one show, a man in the audience casually told myself and a fellow comedian (who is Black) about the sundown hours that were still on the books in the town. We slowly and politely got the hell out of there.

In general, my experience in rural America, much like Los Angeles and any other place I’ve lived, was good. Our home was remote and so our nearest neighbors were a half a mile away from us. My interactions with them were fine if we would even see each other. There was a wave and a smile and perhaps a quick conversation. The philosophy was pretty clear: you do your own thing and you’re left alone. And, if you haven’t gotten to know me at all, then you’ll know that I’m good with that philosophy. There still, though, was a sense of community. When it would snow (which could be heavy and lead to drifting with the high winds of the Plains), a neighbor would come by to plow everyone’s driveways. We’d make Christmas cookies each year for our neighbors. It’s not as if there wasn’t interaction, awareness, and general positivity.

I work from my home and so I obviously did not work in any of the neighboring towns or even was reliant on the local economy. What limited interactions I had were at my favorite places in town: the gym, the hardware stores, and the veterinarian’s office. Again, it was all generally seemingly positive. But, let’s be clear as well: I was a Brown man who looked more Arab than Latino (the only other racial minority population within this community) so I knew that I stood out. I mean, the census taker said she’d “seen me around town” even though we’d never met before.

As a stand-up comedian, I am of course a bit insane and so I often would do early morning running in my “neighborhood.” This would be long stretches of miles of running on gravel roads with usually no one but rabbits and deer around. But, on occasion, a truck might pass by. One time, a neighbor who had never met me before, slowed his truck down and asked, “Are you lost?” I chuckled and explained to him that I lived in the area and where I lived and then he understood and the conversation was pleasant. But, of course, the mind escapes to Ahmaud Arbery and similar such situations where no matter where you are in the country, as a person of color, you are vulnerable. And, it’s more so even possible here as the only person of color that stands out in an area where I’m well aware every one of my neighbors owns a gun.

We often harp on the differences between urban spaces and rural areas and the people within them. In some cases, these differences are warranted. In others, they are not. And, most likely, the differences are still just wrinkles in how our country and society as a whole operate. For example, the challenges of a person of color in Los Angeles as opposed to the Plains of Colorado are different but they are still extensions of the same overall societal issue. In the example I gave, some random person could clearly kill me while I was running in Los Angeles. However, I feel that it is at least a major city in Los Angeles with a diverse population and vocal individuals towards injustice. Even if I am dead, much like the many number of people of color who have died in such a manner, there is a large population that will speak to the injustice and that are fighting to ensure such an act will not be repeated again. There’s still a certain safety in an otherwise unsafe environment.

In rural America, this isn’t the case for the person of color. To begin with, I am already an outsider. I did not grow up in this town nor this area and towns like this still do rely heavily on “legacy families.” As such, they operate in a certain way based off the history of the town. Let’s also add to that a history of racism in this country, that I stand out as a person of color in a predominantly white area, and that there are no others really to defend me on any possible sense of injustice. I don’t have the connections to be cared for whether just generally as a person let alone as a person of color.

Following the death of George Floyd and the rise of people actually caring about Black Lives Matter, that was my biggest concern. There were so many areas of the country where not only were people of color at a higher potential for experiencing backlash but they also may not have any support system to prevent them from that backlash.

2020 was a complicated year for many reasons but, for the sake of my family and personal and work decisions that were great opportunities and best suited us, we moved from the Plains of Colorado. A part of me did not want to leave because I did enjoy the peace and solitude of the area. A part of me also felt guilty because I felt as if I was leaving behind an area I was at least in for 3 years and had some kind of mild impact on. I mean, I think I can say confidently that I was the “Colorado Plains Comedy Scene” and the one show we organized did generate $1100 for mental health services in the area.

When I reflect on my opportunities to live in such spaces, I can’t help but look at the downfall of both urban settings and rural settings and the gridlock over pride, politics, and insults that make the conversation between these areas so terrible. It’s why President Joe Biden preaches “unity” but why I roll my eyes at such a simplistic concept. Let us admit: Los Angeles and the major cities have problems and rural America has problems. If we coalesce and be honest and listen to each other and improve them, we make the country better as a whole. Unfortunately, we’ve allowed ourselves to not actually look and explain facts and history to make it better.

In Los Angeles, a city with a terrible history on race and police brutality, it is no surprise that the focus is on the treatment of authority towards people of color. This does not hit home nor is relevant to rural America, which prides itself on its police and law being a part of its protection and its community. But, when your rural community has next to no people of color, how can you really understand the battle on the issue that exists within the major cities? This is why it was very easy to spin to Republicans and most of rural America that Black Lives Matter protesters were rioters and destroying property which was clearly rare or, in the cases that it did happen, an escalation of the pressure of years of racism in a specific city.

In rural America, while there may have been protests (one I even participated in), the effects can’t possibly have the same impact when the intimidation of the Blue Lives Matter/All Lives Matter crowd was far more prevalent. We could protest but we better be as peaceful as we possibly can be or these people could kill us. Even then, they may kill us even just for protesting. This is the significant difference of being of color in rural America as opposed to the metropolitan city.

But, on the other hand, what appears to fuel rural America’s anger is the determination that the major cities or the Democrats or whomever are inflicting their ways upon that area. To some extent, this is understandable. The community that I lived in was entirely reliant upon farming and agriculture. Who the hell am I to say how their farms should run or what is best for them? But, at the same time, Trump became the first sitting president in 27 years to personally attend and speak at the Future Farmers of America conference in 2018. As a person of color, we often speak of representation and awareness, and if as a farmer you get that from the President of the United States, it’s understandable how you find yourself connecting and aligning with him. We can sit back and debate over Trump, the trade war, subsidies, and farming, but that isn’t what I want to get into. The Democrats failed in the simple step with farmers of just acknowledgment over a long period of time.

President Biden can preach “unity” but it is far more complex to unite these states of America at this point. One of the great difficulties that I had with rural America and social media was people’s strong ability to be swayed by memes, conspiracy theories, and other notions that were just not based in fact but fit the perspective they wanted. It’s not as if everyone within social media isn’t possibly affected by that in some way no matter their perspective but it’s certainly magnified in these communities and in right-wing environments. On the rare occasion I may discuss political issues with someone in the area, it would be with a person that I had met before, and had seemingly found a good and positive relationship with. And, yet, often they would find themselves defending their perspective constantly. Rather than listening, they just kept talking. They would rather believe memes, videos, and the Internet than a person they’d actually met and my experiences. It didn’t make me happy because that is not how I would handle a similar situation. If they wanted to talk to me about farming, I’d listen to them on it. I wouldn’t spew knowledge I heard from some random YouTube clip as what are the facts specific to their situation and perspective.

And, so, this is the great disconnect that we deal with. We can’t have unity unless there is a battle to change the anger and how people are gaining their knowledge, thoughts, and perspectives. Whether it was masks or social justice or Jeffrey Epstein, the 2020s have gone off the rails in how people gain their information and their mindsets. And, from what I can tell, it’s getting more and more extensively bad in both the secluded rural environments and in the major cities. It’s just that each has its own challenges and each also wants to give their opinions and insult the other on the issues.

So, what’s my point? I’ve been critical of Los Angeles on its issues like gentrification. I’ve been critical with Trump supporters on their issues. No area of this country or its people are perfect and yet they purport themselves to have the right perspective with such certainty for whatever reason. And such certainty only gets magnified either via social media or media outlets looking to raise controversy rather than journalistic integrity.

Whether it be the urban space or the rural space of America, the person of color is in a sort of prison, its levels of that Panopticon dependent upon the environment. We do what we have to do to survive in a society that operates in a certain way. I have clutched my hands on my steering wheel when pulled over by police in the predominantly Black neighborhood of Franklin Park in Columbus, Ohio and on a highway outside Sidney, Nebraska. I’m as polite as I can be as a Brown man in a place where I’m self-aware I am a Brown man either in a city that inflicts pain upon about Brown and Black men or on a rural area that has no Brown men.

Sure, I can describe my experiences as “good” from the towns I’ve performed or lived in to the largest cities in America I’ve performed or lived in. But the big question is one that will always linger until change occurs: do people of color feel as safe in any of these environments as white people do?

#brown #desi #rural america #rural #urban #los angeles #colorado #asian #latino #black #black lives matter #blm #ahmaud arbery

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fasterthanmydemons · 4 years

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Apple, peach, and turnip. Have a frabjous day/night!

APPLE - first muse?

{out of breath} Hmm... depends on what you mean by “first.” First OC I ever made? First one I wrote? First one I rped? First one I brought to Tumblr? XD Okay I’ll just list all the firsts I can think of, lol.

The first OC I ever created was a prince named Shian whose father, the king, died and he basically panicked and fled the kingdom because he didn’t want to be king. It was... a very simplistic story, the first book I had ever written. It was titled Story, haha. Eh, my teenage self thought that was supposed to be profound or something.

The first OC I ever roleplayed was Silence Leaflin (also my pen name), who I played in a friend’s in-person D&D game. She was a half-human, half-vampire sorceress with a tiny bat familiar named Fizzle. She grew up in a very isolated and cult-like village who believed that sorcerers were cursed and doomed to die young, because every one born in the village had left in their teenage years and never come back. Really, what it was, was that once they left, they realized how crazy the village was and never wanted to go back, heh.

The first OC I felt like I ever really put a lot of effort into and fleshed out like a real person as far as world, background, timeline, personality, skill class, magic, race, mental health, etc. was Channe ( @fxcelessqueen ). I created her for the first D&D game I ever ran myself, and she is a main character in a fantasy book I never finished entitled The Mask of Truth. Unfortunately, I think she was just a little too weird for Tumblr, and her blog just never gained any permanent writing partners.

The first muse I ever wrote on Tumblr was Ned Stark of Game of Thrones, and it was completely by accident. I had a fan blog for the character that someone mistook for a rp blog, and they sent me an ask and just basically started rping... and I had been following rp blogs for GoT, so I knew what was going on, and instead of correcting the person, I just went ahead and rped with them. It ended up being a lot of fun, but the GoT fandom was a bit too expansive and oppressive as far a fans really wanting everything perfect in their rp threads for me to stay in it.

The first muse I ever deliberately brought to Tumblr and made a blog for was Nuada of Hellboy II ( @fallxnprxnce ), which is my main on this account. All other muses are sideblogs of his. He had been a favorite character of mine for a while and he was a very easy character for me to write, so I figured he’d be a great way to get into the whole rping community here on Tumblr. I had a lot of fun with him, but his blog has been dead for a while now. I intend to bring him back, but I need to revamp the blog first and I want to finish writing my Nuada in Silent Hill fanfic first.

PEACH - least favourite muse?

Hahaha, well... I did have one completely failed baby on here. Lacryma ( @crackedbellsandsilenttears ). She has a really complicated back story, but simply put, she is a sentient spell of sadness who really just wants to be happy and make friends. In other words. If a spell could develop its own persona, and the longer it remained “alive,” the more it became like a real person, that’s what she would be like. She’s a character from The Mask of Truth world as well. The reason her blog failed was because I let it, pretty much the same day I created it, heh. So... what happened was that I thought she would be a neat character to write on Tumblr and I had seen a movie that had the perfect FC in it for her. Aaaaaaaand then I ended up really badly triggering the very first person I told about the blog because the FC was too scary. I... felt... HORRIBLE. And it basically killed my desire the write the character completely. Like I just felt so totally terrible that I had really upset this person that I just wanted nothing to do with the blog after that. I tried a little bit to write her, but... nah... It died, heh. I’ve been watching horror movies since I was little, and sometimes I forget that things are a lot scarier to other people than they are to me. I still feel really terrible about scaring that poor person, ugh.

TURNIP - most damaged muse?

Oh MAAAAN... That’s going to be a hard one to answer because that’s kindof my thing, heh. I tend to collect muses that have really been through SomeShit™. Almost all of my muses have tragic backstories and/or anxiety, stress, or trauma disorders. But hmm... let me think... Yeah, Imma split this one up too because I can’t pick just one, heh.

The most physically damaged muse would have to be my poor Nemmer-kins, haha. Nemesis ( @freewillacquired, of Resident Evil ) used to be a human man named Matt Addison, but he was captured by Umbrella after being infected with a highly mutagenic strain of the T-virus. Matt is a carrier of the virus (my headcanon), so instead of being killed by it and becoming undead, he suffered monstrous mutations, fueled by his own natural genetics and enhanced by experiments performed on him by Dr. Isaacs and Major Cain.

The results of the mutation were basically that he looks beyond recognition as a human. He’s a lot taller now, a lot more muscular, and is basically a tank that can take a shit ton of damage without dying. Basically as long as his brain is intact, he will regenerate. He is virtually unaffected by bullets, resistance to fire and nuclear blasts, and is of course immune to further infection by the undead. His teeth are razor sharp and oversized and he lacks lips, a nose, and ears. Well he’s got the holes for them, heh, but no physical ears or nose anymore. But after he is awakened and remembers himself, he’s basically a human man in the body of a horrifically mutated monster. And Matt’s a nice guy, heh. So, not to minimize the psychological anguish here at all by saying that Nemesis is my most physically damaged muse, because he’s in constant physical and emotional pain every minute of his life, basically. But yeah... no other muse has been so physically violated and had their body changed against their will the way Nemesis has.

My most mentally damaged muse... would be a tossup between Wanda Maximoff ( @thiscrimsonsoul ) , Luther ( @armed-and-alxne ), and Channe, I’m guessing. But... Channe actually makes a pretty good recovery over the decades of her life and becomes more stable and at peace with herself and what’s happened in her life, so Imma eliminate her. Early on in her life, yeah, but considering the whole journey of the character, she’s doing okay. And Wanda... we still don’t even know how she is going to deal with everything that’s happened to her. I guess we all have to wait for WandaVision. I’m guessing... not well at all, heh, but since we don’t know, I’ll eliminate her. That leaves Luther, who I guess is my most damaged muse baby, heh.

Luther was born to a father he never knew at all and a mother who didn’t want him and who was a drug addict and alcoholic. He was left to fend for himself and learned at a young age that if he didn’t want to be hungry he had to steal what he wanted. He was headed for the criminal justice system when was taken off the streets at age 12 by a man he looked up to as a father figure. The problem was, the man was the head of a bratva (Russian mafia family) and selected Luther specifically because he had a personality conducive to mental conditioning. By the time he was 16, Luther was conditioned to believe that he owed this man what is known as a “life debt,” which is basically... I saved your life so now you belong to me and owe it to me to spend your life serving me. Luther served this man and his family for 27 years as basically a glorified salve.

He was everything to the family but never family. Bodyguard, bouncer, handyman, bartender, chauffeur, debt collector, security specialist, accountant.... and hitman. He was physically and mentally abused as a teenager into complete subservience, and to believe that he was innately a lesser human being. He was lucky to serve the family, was what he believed. Lucky to even be in their presence. He was in love with the man’s daughter for nearly all the years he was with the family but couldn’t ever say anything because he probably would’ve been killed for it. He watched her marry someone else, have kids, be happy... and then one day his boss asked him to kill her husband. Yep, his daughter’s husband. Long story.

Anyway, it went against everything Luther believed in because at his core he’s actually a very honorable and protective guy. But he’s so conditioned to obey... that he does it. And then his boss has him lie... to this woman he loves... and her kids... for months about it... and pretend like he had nothing to do with it. Anyway I won’t ramble on, but yeah, the mental prison this man lived in for almost 30 years, the speak only went spoken to, you work for the family but will never be family, on call 24-7, not permitted to have friends or a pet or a girlfriend nature of his life... was incredibly sad. In the end he gave his life for the woman he loved, taking a bullet for her. Because that’s the kind of guy he was, even under all those layers of abuse and trauma.

#{ out of breath } ᵒᵒᶜ

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