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jiminjamms · 3 months

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sex therapy :: 27. missed me?

chapter tags/warnings: manipulative! naoya. therapist! toji. a very broken marriage (cont.). heavy angst but i am still not gege. infidelity/adultery. corruption. family drama.

word count: 3.0k

notes: i hope everyone has been swell! sending hugs to every corner of the world, and i hope my writing can be your little break from reality. i have also added more chapters to the fic since i cannot wrap up the story in the next few chapters, ha. enjoy! likes, comments, and reblogs are much appreciated. xoxo

fic masterlist | 01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. 07. 08. 09. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33.

12:33 PM Toji called 12:33 PM He told me that my daughter collapsed in front of the twins? 12:34 PM And you got into a fight with her? 12:34 PM How did that happen? 12:34 PM Are you with her right now? 12:37 PM Answer me please, I need to make sure she’s fine (Missed Call) 12:38 PM Can you phone me back asap? Thx 12:38 PM I’m still in the office right now, wrapped up the weekly meeting with the operating committee 01:01 PM Hello? 01:01 PM Hey, are you there? (Missed Call) 01:12 PM Toji called again, he gave me a rundown, and I have to say… 01:12 PM I’m very, very disappointed in you

Perhaps the better word would be terrified, but Naoya was truly and genuinely astounded.

How the fuck did this happen?

Naoya could feel his breathing grow shallow and his body turn cold as he read through each message from his Chief Operating Officer once, twice, three times. For a while, he stared at his chat history, his shaking thumb hovering over the screen while his mind went blank.

What started as an argument between just you and him now had your father involved. Not only your father, though—but also Mai, Maki, and now Toji?! How bothersome. Of course, you had to drag everyone into this! The world always had to revolve around you.

Naoya could not think straight as his chauffeur sped him back to the office from Mari’s apartment later that day. Even when he returned to his CEO suite, he could hardly focus on his conversations with department heads or strategy discussions with the Board when Daisuke L/N’s messages haunted him like an omnipresent and malevolent spirit.

‘I’m very, very disappointed in you.’

Goddamnit!

Naoya did not miss how your father was absent from the afternoon’s meetings either (although he was not stupid enough to point that out aloud at work when Naoya himself was involved in why), nor did he miss his own father’s narrowed gaze which seemingly lingered on him longer than usual.

Oh goodness, did he know, too?

No, he couldn’t have. Otherwise, Naobito Zenin would have pulled him to the side by now and given him a long and stern lecture.

Yet, when the early evening arrived, Naoya ultimately decided he must talk to you directly.

Not because he actually cared about your well-being. (Ha, as if.) But because he needed to quash the possibility that the rest of his family, particularly his Board Chairman father, could get a whiff of his quarrel with you before all hell broke loose.

Moments like these warranted him to push aside his dignity before things could worsen.

His greatest fear would be for this recent argument to become a domino effect, as the downfall in this marriage would certainly place him in hot water.

With that, the current Zenin CEO then tapped his phone for your contact.

He needed to check up on you but ended up in voicemail.

So, he dialed once more.

Voicemail.

Again.

Why were you not picking up his calls?

You always found a way to irk him with how ungrateful you could be. Sure, there was no secret that you hated him. He would admit he was rude, belittling, and patronizing, treating you like a trophy to tote around, a doll to splay at his will, and a woman who needed to learn her place. He knew this and you knew this, because he exclusively tolerated this marriage as a means to accelerate his life.

Despite everything, he made sure his wife was well-fed and looked after, only for you to throw a tantrum and now get his extended family involved? Ludicrous. Why not focus on the good things about him? Could you not see how he had attempted to reach you at least thirty times throughout the day? (His ultimate reason admittedly was selfish, but that’s not the point.)

Anywho, since when did you think that ignoring him was acceptable?

In a frustrated fit, Naoya tossed his phone into his desk’s paper heap and huffed.

To set things straight, he had made many sacrifices in his life to get to his seat today, like how—back in the day—he had to watch TV anchors praise his older cousin while sipping champagne in the Maldives with…whatever girlfriend he had been with at the time. Life had been hard, but he at last had everything he should’ve been entitled to since birth. This position, this family, and this company belonged to him, regardless of what stupid fucking traditions dictated.

Unsurprisingly, when Naoya took the helm, everyone scrutinized him. Sure, he might have lacked in a few (or, more accurately, a lot of…) regards since he hadn’t been built into the position the way Toji Zenin had been, but having you as his wife made him look good in family conversations and public discourse.

He just needed a little more time to get people to trust him. Then, once all the pieces clicked into place, he resolved to toss this marriage to the side.

That ‘time,’ he hoped, would be soon.

For now, he just needed to keep you for as long as he sought fit.

Buzz.

Well, speak of the devil.

You must finally be returning his call.

The sky had gone dark in the windows behind him now, but Naoya practically leaped from his seat, scrambling and shoving papers aside to find his phone buried beneath several printed reports. He hated how his hands quivered as he held the device, not that he could control himself at this point, and he snapped the moment he swiped at his screen.

“Where the hell are you?” Naoya hissed, clipped and impatient.

He did not get an immediate response, which infuriated him even more since he taught you to acknowledge him on the phone.

But then, he learned why.

Because instead, Naoya heard a low and harrowing chuckle.

“I guess you missed me, kid.”

The end to a marriage, for obvious reasons, would never be as glamorous as the start to one.

Many would dream for years about a wedding, but far fewer would think the same about a separation.

‘I'm going to file for a divorce.’

Admittedly, you were nervous when you announced the decision aloud in a crowded room for many eyes to see and ears to hear.

After all, even if you recognized the need for a change in your matrimony, you feared the consequences. You didn't want to cause your families to grow apart or your fathers to resent you. In addition, Naoya had been such a dominating fixture in your life these past few months, and he had led you to believe your days without him would be meaningless.

However, no longer could you set aside your emotions for his sake, nor would you expend extensive effort to salvage your marriage for other’s desires. Your sole purpose henceforth was to live a satisfied life without sacrificing more than what you already have for a husband who hardly look your way.

As a result, when you acknowledged divorce as the best possible solution to your demise, you were grateful for the emotional support and relieved faces from your worried father, the younger teenagers, and your trusted therapists.

Especially Toji.

“Come with me,” the very man ordered once you stepped into his apartment’s corridor with him.

Everyone else had been brought down to the apartment’s lower level after the earlier discussion in the master bedroom, with Megumi forced to take on the role as host in his father’s absence. The younger Fushiguro might be aloof and sometimes awkward, but word had gotten around that he was a good chef with his aunts nagging at him to prepare dinner.

“C’mon, don’t you want to show us what recipes you have learned on TikTok?”

“...No, not really. Can we just order KFC?”

The other conversation that drifted upward was between your father and the other three therapists, which made sense given that they all used to be colleagues back when Toji had been the CEO.

There was laughter, chatter, and the entire brouhaha brought ease to your nervous heart.

“Ladies first,” Toji said at some point after you had trailed behind him. He had taken you several meters ahead, opening the door to invite you inside. “This is my home office.”

You did not yet see the point in him doing a House Tour 2.0, but you walked in upon his gesture anyway. The hardwood floor beneath you felt warm, your body heating up slightly despite the coolness in the air.

Toji kept his office space as tidy as the rest of his abode. He had a white leather couch situated by the doorway and a workspace configuration to the side with desk lamps, an expensive chair, and a dual monitor setup.

Above his screens, Toji probably had fifteen accolades in cherry wood frames, each to showcase his achievements as countless magazines named him the best leader, the top executive, and the most promising innovator.

What caught your attention, however, was the wall beside his workstation.

There was a corkboard.

At first glance, the tacked-on magazine cutouts and photograph snippings seemed like a messy litter on the brown surface, but thin red strings—which made this look like a detective movie prop—connected one piece to another and suggested an order to the chaos.

“What is this?” you asked, a question not directed to anyone in particular as you neared the corkboard without waiting for Toji’s permission.

Upon closer distance, the vague letterings and images became clear.

The newspaper cover story fastened at the very center read in big bold print: “Zenin Corporation Announces New CEO.”

As the realization dawned that this was what Toji meant to show you, the man’s measured footsteps came up from behind you. He stopped at your side, watching how you inspected each element on the corkboard as though his room was your laboratory and he was your professor.

“The World Economic Forum estimates that more than 5% of global GDP is lost to corruption around the world each year,” he began, crossing his thick arms firmly over his chest. “Many articles you see here had been published online only to be taken down not even a few hours later. I suspect that Naoya this year alone has spent hundreds of thousands, if not millions, bribing the Japanese media to curate the public image he needs.” He then pointed around. “Look for yourself.”

You would have called Toji out for being a total creep if the objective of this collection had not been obvious. With scarlet threads weaving together to reveal an elaborate web of deceit, Toji had been curating an exposé.

There was one photo from your wedding day. Standing at the altar with Naoya, you looked so happy and blissful back then, the vibrant bouquet in your hands a colorful contrast against the pristine white of your Vera Wang wedding gown, your face radiant with a smile oblivious to the heartache that would come.

This publication, you have seen before.

What you did not recognize, however, were the articles dated from nearly a year ago, well before your wedding day, with even more printed five months ago, two months ago, one week ago…

…and reading the titles made you feel sick.

Japanese Hotshot Shares Intimate Kisses with Rumored Girlfriend Photos Reveal Recently Married Executive’s Secret Affair? Exclusive: Zenin Corporation CEO Spotted in Mexico with Alleged Lover

The accompanying pictures had the same two subjects in plain clothes and baseball caps, showing off little skin to reveal their identities to prying busybodies. Yet, upon an immediate glance, you recognized Naoya Zenin as the taller figure and assumed his very precious ladyfriend must be the other.

Photographers had snapped the two embracing each other in a cab’s backseat, sharing a secret kiss after a luxury mall date, and holding hands while stepping into a private plane.

All to say, you were revolted.

The more you mulled on these printouts, the more you could feel visceral disgust build in your chest.

To think you once contemplated saving a marriage with a man like that. Whatever his plan was for him and this woman, did he intend to make you a side character to their romance until the day you would die?

Your gaze darted around, and the photo with the most unobstructed view of their faces placed you on pause.

All of a sudden, a hard lump formed in your throat because, Holy shit, she’s…stunning.

Seeing the woman who your husband had had his sights on immediately unlocked a whole new level of insecurities within you.

No wonder Naoya could not bring himself to be married to you when he had her.

The woman was exquisite, to say the least. Despite the picture’s poor quality, you noticed her bright elegant face, plump pink lips, and long full lashes—precisely the characteristics that would turn heads in a crowded room. In fact, you secretly wished that you possessed her overflowing pulchritude as well.

If she was an angel from your point of view, she must also be in Naoya’s eyes all the more.

You gingerly drew a circle around her with a finger.

“Is she his mistress?”

Why did you even ask that? You already knew the answer. But, you wanted to confirm the facts rather than satisfy your curiosity.

Meanwhile, Toji ran his index finger very slowly over his lower lip.

He answered a while later.

“Yes.” As you had expected. Then, he added, “But she’s also my ex-wife.”

What—

Your jaw dropped to the trenches.

If you thought tonight had been filled with enough revelations, this one really sealed the deal.

His…ex-wife?!

Unlike the man before you, hiding your deepest emotions had never been your forte. Instead, you had gone stiff as your mind reeled in shock.

“She’s…Tsumiki’s mom,” you said quietly at the realization.

Yes, you have heard a lot about her. However, to make the connection between the lady in the picture and the woman who owned currently Naoya’s (and previously Toji’s) devotion stirred awake a thousand emotions.

Anger. Bitterness. Resentment.

Megumi had told you plenty about her before.

‘Treated me like a bag of shit, spent all my dad’s money on her shopping sprees every weekend, and even neglected her own daughter—my stepsister.’

Her pretty face could only go so far in disguising her dark heart.

With this understanding, you finally grasped Toji’s bitterness when he first met you. How fickle fate had been to him. Comical, even! For his younger cousin to take his succession rights to the clan, his executive position in the company, and—to top everything off—his wife from his family. Only for you (of all eight billion people in the world) to show up at Toji Fushiguro’s office asking for sex therapy?

Now, you comprehended why Toji and Naoya despised each other.

In addition, you understood why Toji and his colleagues had been suspicious of you. Trust takes time to build yet a moment to shatter, and all of them have had this trust broken before. By Naoya, yes.

But also, by her.

“What’s her name?” you had to ask, ignoring the searing ache in your heart.

Your therapist, on the other hand, tried to play off his vexation by shoving his hands into his front pockets.

“Mari,” and also, “She still uses my last name.”

Wow.

The audacity that some people in the world have.

“Here let me help.”

“Hm?”

At first, you did not quite get what Toji was referring to until he started tearing the magazine photos and newspaper stories.

Wordlessly, you gawked at him, both in confusion and astonishment.

“Why—”

Before you could complete the thought, Toji had placed everything into a neat stack and thrust the pile into your hands. “There,” he said with finality. “If you are to file for a divorce, take these to Naoya. See what the bastard has to say. Staying with him any longer would be a fatal flaw.”

Toji had never seen a single interaction between you and his cousin in person, yet he could confidently say your husband was the hamartia in your life. Perhaps the signs had always been obvious. Or perhaps, his recent experience in a toxic marriage allowed Toji to notice the red flags in yours from miles away.

“If you give him too much time, he’ll come up with his offenses,” he went on. “We don’t need to outfight him, though. We simply need to outthink him.”

Something about Toji’s emerald eyes gleamed in a way you had not seen before.

It was a different side to him, one where he planned and strategized, a flickering core of the businessman he used to be.

“Hi.”

You and Toji froze at the sound.

Megumi’s voice had startled you two as the boy peered in from the hallway, waving a phone in his hand—your phone. “Sorry to interrupt but, uh, he called again.”

Interestingly enough, Megumi did not need to explicitly mention a name for you all to know who he referred to. As your screen flickered on, you noticed the numerous missed calls and text messages that had flooded your notifications, all from one particular culprit, no doubt.

Instead of embarrassment, your body surged with aggravation at how your husband suddenly seemed desperate to know your whereabouts.

So now he cared, huh?

Before you could retrace your steps towards the door, however, Toji had already done so. He retrieved the device from his son’s hands and started dialing a number from your phone.

You tried to stop him. “Hey, what are you—”

But Toji dismissed you, pressing your phone to his ear as the call began to ring, and his lips curled into a wicked grin when the other line must have picked up.

“I guess you missed me, kid.”

last chapter || next chapter

end notes: I am excited to show the interaction between Toji and Naoya—I have been thinking about their conversation for a long time! This chapter is less of a whirlwind and more of a setup for the rest to come. Thank you for your support!

taglist: @dissociatingdiva @httpsplanetmarsdotcom @nemoyr @huangfairy @shadowarchon @203steph @agentdedf1sh @cloudybabes @lynn-writes-things @illicitwriter @7oji @kikuchimi @chaoticjojofan @musicisme333 @kumocchin @s-guru @mwahilovemylife @hey-gurls69 @cloudsinthecosmos @moon-mumu-moon @kazscara @skilerfrostfairy @funicidals @nico707 @proteovaldez @tsukiyohanayome @marimoares @qirbys @puffaloxx @sakanoshitaa @arizzu @kissditrio @lewd-bunny14 @mistyheart @szired @supsii @yvy1s @lazyassfinals @katkbc @tokyometronetwork @downtown-roponggi @the-cosmos-network

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petri808 · 3 years

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1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33-Epilogue

— I just wanna say thank you so much to everyone who followed along, your comments and suggestions along the way really helped to bring this story to life! It’s my longest fic to date, and to think it started as a one-shot for nalu day 2020 lol. YOU GUYS HELPED MAKE THIS HAPPEN! 🥳🥰🥰 ILY YOU ALL!💜💜💜💜

@mcornilliac special shout out for you help with the toughest part 😘

Even after all these years, riding on a train still brought a small flutter to Lucy’s stomach as she remembered the long ago evening when she’d met her husband. From an innocent meeting to a death defying experience, talk about a roller coaster ride. And yet, if she had to do it all over again, Lucy wouldn’t change a thing. Crazy sounding yes, for why would anyone not want to avoid what she’d gone through? Touka had truly pushed her sanity to the breaking point, but well, the therapist was right in the end and Lucy felt almost invincible now. All that pain, all the struggle she’d pushed through had made her the strong and resilient woman she was today. Happily married to Natsu with their fraternal twins Nashi and Ryuu. Mrs. Natsu Dragneel, Lucy smiled to herself, there was no way she’d change a thing.

Of course, it hadn’t been easy. After Natsu proposed and Lucy had accepted, there were still a lot of work to be done. But that measure of acceptance and affection did wonders. Any worries she’d had that he wouldn’t want a broken woman melted away and gave her the confidence to get better. With each passing therapy session, her strength grew, and by the time they graduated college, Lucy could honestly say she’d been cured to a functional degree. No longer struggling through nightmares and panic attacks, her anxieties were under control and the debilitating depression a distant memory where it belonged.

Yeah... Lucy sighed happily as she watched the landscape pass by from her train seat. Meeting Natsu was the best thing to ever happen in her life, well, aside from the kids. They’d married about a year after graduation on the anniversary of their meeting. It was a beautiful affair at an indoor venue, with close friends and family to join them. They’d gone a more modern route for the ceremony but did take pictures at a garden dressed in the traditional attire for sentimental reasons. Lucy wore the shiromuku white kimono while Natsu a montsuki haori hakama. And no, it wasn’t train themed! Levy was the Maid of Honor and Gray was the best man. By then, Levy and Gajeel were also married and Gray in a serious relationship with a girl named Juvia Lockser. Lucy was so happy for them both. All of their lives were moving in the right direction.

Everything was perfect. Great jobs in their fields of interest, lives settled into a comfortable routine, when 5 years later Lucy was pregnant with fraternal twins. It was a total surprise since twins didn’t run in either of their families. Always the jovial optimist, Natsu joked that they’d been doubly blessed because of what they’d gone through, and Lucy couldn’t help but love such a concept. Of course, once the euphoria of the motherhood prospect waned, reality set in that she was having twins! Two! Double the babies meant double of everything, from the pregnancy concerns to raising them. Growing up without a mother and as an only child, Lucy didn’t have a lot of experience with small children. But Natsu patiently assured her, that she’d do just fine. Think of it as a new challenge, and after overcoming one pretty tough situation, this would be a walk in the park. On the bright side, Levy was also pregnant with the couple’s first child so the two best friend’s kids would grow up together.

And Natsu was right, there were a few bumps in the road but nothing too difficult. During her fourth month Lucy was diagnosed with gestational diabetes as well as some minor gastrointestinal issues, so Natsu swayed the doctor to put her on bed rest. Better safe than sorry. The babies were healthy, but by the 7th month, she really couldn’t move much, and she was miserable being stuck at home all the time. Lucy missed her job because she genuinely enjoyed working for the magazine. But in the end, it had been a good thing. She could manage her health easier that way and it gave her time to do something she’d thought about doing as part of the healing process. With Natsu’s support and permission, it was time to put her writing skills to good use and write a book about their experience.

It became an instant hit, especially with female readers. The book was not only an autobiographical reflection of what had happened to them but focused on shining a light on the dangers of stalkers, as well as the importance of taking the warning signs seriously. Lucy didn’t hold back in her re-telling, even pointing out the serious flaws in Japan’s laws in protecting citizens from stalkers which at the time were nonexistent. Feminist organizations working to change those laws used her story with permission for their cause. She had no intentions of becoming a poster child for the movement, but in the end her role may have played its part, because 2 years after the publishing, Japan finally adopted anti-stalking laws making it easier for police to string together harassment cases, as well as for victims to get the help they needed.

Her life was nothing but exciting to say the least! And with two young children, now age 10 certainly kept them on their toes. Their daughter Nashi was just like Natsu, very outgoing, friendly, but a bit of a daredevil while her brother Ryuu born 4 minutes after her was the quieter of the two. He preferred books like his mother to adventure. Of course, that never stopped Nashi from dragging him into shenanigans! But the best part was how close they still were and fiercely protective of each other. Lucy and Natsu couldn’t be prouder of them and hoped this would continue throughout their lifetimes.

Fifteen years... come to think of it, their wedding anniversary was coming up shortly. With Natsu now a senior fire inspector for the Tokyo prefectural government, he was often busy. Lucy did mind it, because frankly it gave her some peace and quiet. She chuckled at the thought. Not that it was all that peaceful with the twins. But she digressed. His success meant their lives were very comfortable, and her own journalism successes while not as financially based, were still celebrated in their relationship. Natsu never waned in being the dutiful and supportive, always loving husband that Lucy felt blessed to grow old with.

‘Two more stops, pick up the kids from school, stop at the grocery store for dinner...’ Lucy tapped out on her phone a to-do list of ingredients to pick up at the store. Perhaps katsudon... ‘Mmm, or maybe nabe,’ hot-pot soup since it was expected to be a bit chilly that evening.

Lucy looked up briefly, really just spacing out in thought when someone catches her eye. At the other end of the train car, she noticed a woman facing slightly away, but enough to where she couldn’t quite see a face. It couldn’t be... Lucy looked away not wanting to stare, but somehow... for some reason the woman was awfully familiar... looking exactly like Touka. Well, not exactly, but enough to make the hair on the back of her neck stand up. It was a blonde, with a different hair style— and that could always be changed. Similar body type, the facial side-profile features that Lucy could see resembled Touka...

Now despite being better, her anxieties still bubbled up from time to time, so she immediately switched to her coping techniques to calm them down. ‘You’re fine,’ Lucy talked herself through it, ‘no point in getting riled up.’ The woman hadn’t done so much as looked in her direction, so it must be okay. Contrary to popular belief, things like depression and anxiety never fully goes away, especially when someone has experienced a severe level of it. Those emotions and irrational thoughts are forever programmed into the brain, but there are ways to keep them at bay and Lucy’s successfully done just that for 15 years.

‘Just go back to what you were doing. Katsudon or nabe? And don’t forget you need to pick up milk...’ But, fifteen years... could Touka have been released by now? Lucy shook the thought away again. ‘Stop it! Everything is fine. It’s not her!’ The train was semi-full of passengers all minding their own business... including the woman. There was no reason to start panicking now. Lucy adjusts her position on her seat away from the woman’s direction. If she couldn’t see her, she could pretend she didn’t exist. ‘Maybe I should pick up ingredients for both, that way I don’t have to shop tomorrow.’ Lucy thought to herself, and with the kids with her, they could help in carrying the shopping bags. ‘Yeah, we’ve got a plan…’

After figuring out her shopping list, Lucy pulled up social media to keep herself distracted and for a few minutes it did the trick. Silly videos of entertainers never got old. The train reached the next stop and she felt it come to a stop. Since it wasn’t hers, she didn’t pay it any mind as she scrolled through her feed. But as the disembarking passengers funnel past Lucy, her eyes pick up on a pair of pink high-heels peeking from over the edge of her phone. Her body instantly stiffened up from the similarity to the ones worn by the woman, while her curiosity slowly got the better of her. ‘Breath, act nonchalant!’ Lucy’s eyes tracked the high-heels moving past her until they left her periphery. She then slowly sat back up, pretending to readjust her position, when she caught a pair of eyes looking back. Lucy’s breathing hitches with a shaky exhale. “Oh, my god—"

Standing at the doorway with one hand on the frame, the blonde woman smiled at Lucy then winked before stepping off the train.

It was Touka!

#nalu #nalu au #nalu fan fiction #nalu fan fic #natsu dragneel #Lucy heartfilia #Natsu x lucy #fairy tail #strangers on a train #epilogue #petri808

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weeklyfangirl · 4 years

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Frat Boy Pt. 22

part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7 (1), part 7 (2), part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13 , part 14, part 15, part 16, part 17, part 18, part 19 , part 20, part 21

Hope everyone is keeping themselves mentally/physically well... here’s the next update in your adventure. Please safely read from home ;)

The sun moved slowly up my window, illuminating the dancing dust in the air. Even though I knew dust didn’t have feelings, it all still looked very peaceful, suspended there in space.

I wanted to be suspended, floating, with no obligations or pressures.

Instead, I watched time slip by, slowly, as the shadows stretched along my floor and I lay still, wrapped in a giant Winnie-the-Pooh sheets burrito.

I called in sick the past three days to work and to all my classes, my lack of attendance probably dropping me a letter grade in a few classes. Instead of checking on my academic scholarship, I begged Renny to drop off Dr. Rhinecuff’s papers for me. She did, lamenting about how his office smelled like roast beef and how she probably needed a nose job from it shrivelling up from the stench. Tired, I sent her three hearts, ignoring all of her calls and voicemails.

In a random bout of restless energy, I looked up the University of Oxford in England. No one would know me there. And maybe that wasn’t a bad thing when you didn’t even know yourself. I stayed on their site for an hour, avoiding my take-home assignments, and speculating which classes I could take in the spring semester. My eyes grew tired though, and even if I were accepted as a transfer student, it wasn’t like I could ever afford it without scholarships.

I closed the computer.

It’d been cloudy, rainy. The random storm that’d come in from Mexico lasted longer than the usual morning fog that’d roll in and out by the time it was 9 AM. This storm lingered, heavy, full clouds looking to burst and unleash a steady rain for three to four hours before the clouds rested, storing up all they could until the next downpour.

My parents didn’t question me when I came in, used to my random visits. But when I went straight to my room without saying hello, rain-plastered hair covering puffy eyes, my mom basically collapsed at the sight.

She followed me to the bed, trying to see my face, but I buried it in the pillow, ignoring the way the purple fringe tickled my nose.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?”

I just groaned. Her voice was too gentle, too well-intending for the dark thoughts sitting in my mind. She’d be heartbroken if she heard them.

She huffed, not out of annoyance, but distress. “What’s bothering you?? Is it Renny? Did you breakup with Harry?” All those reasons were too simple. She ran her hands lightly along my legs, but I cringed away from her touch. It was something I rarely did. She paused. “You can tell me anything...”

I shook my head against the pillow, my last attempt to tell her to leave without speaking. She waited a moment longer.

“Okay,” she said. And that was it.

Father didn’t ask questions, not even when I was here for the third consecutive day. Mom had probably come to her own conclusions, and shared them with him.

“Mom said you aren’t feeling too well,” he said over cereal one morning, confirming my suspicions. It was the first time he’d broken our three-day spree of comfortable silence.

“What else did she tell you?”

He shrugged his shoulders, his usual buoyant self replaced with a quiet voice. He looked at me, and all I saw was pity. If I were him, I’d probably look at me the same way. I hadn’t showered in a while. “Well don’t let anything get you down. You’re too smart for that.”

He’d tried. He’d put in an effort. I just nodded, scooping up another spoonful of cereal. He followed suit.

And that was that.

A week passed like this.

But overnight, the clouds had blown away, and the sun came back full-force this morning just in time for the weekend, renewing my guilt. That traitor.

I’d cried all of Monday and Tuesday, but when the last tear was shed in the middle of a New Girl episode, I was empty. My tears didn’t leave anything to replace them with.

On Wednesday, a phone alarm reminded me I had a therapy appointment. I hit snooze multiple times. It was only when I got up to pee, and I hated what I saw in the mirror that I threw on an oversized sweater to go over my pajamas and headed out the door.

“Is it good?” I asked.

Her hands reviewed my wants list.

“That’s just a coffee stain on the corner..just...ignore that bit,” I added.

She surveyed it briefly, not really focusing on it. “Were you honest?”

I nodded.

“Then there isn’t good or bad. It’s just your truth.”

“But I still feel… I don’t know. I don’t think I know what that is. I don’t feel like I’m… progressing. Doing anything towards that,” I said.

She looked at me with a level gaze. “Then that’s your truth. And that’s okay for right now.”

I shot her a glance.

“I see a common struggle with people your age. They feel this….” -She adjusted, quirking her head- “immense pressure to be perfect, to figure it all out, to achieve success so early.”

“Everyone’s doing it,” I began. “They’re getting internships, keeping up their grades, involved in ten clubs, doing community service…” I could’ve droned on, but didn’t.

“You have an internship, your grades are good, you’ve joined a sorority, and up until recently you’ve been involved in tutoring. Those are extracurriculars.”

I couldn’t argue with her.

“Is it too much?” she asked.

Too much. It was everything I’d been feeling until I’d felt nothing. But hearing her list off what was waiting for me just beyond her doors made me feel the weight of it all over again.

“I’ve just been overwhelmed.”

“Who have you been thinking about?”

She noticed I started picking my hangnail.

She started gently, knowingly. “Has it been Harry?”

“Ow,” I cursed. A bit of blood prickled up where the hangnail used to be.

“He seems to be a major stressor in your life. Would you agree?” The clock ticked behind her, filling the silence. Her hands rested in her lap, while mine swiped away the bit of blood. I could never remember my therapist’s name, but somehow it wasn’t important.

“Yeah, but … I mean …. there’s a lot of stressors.”

“Like his friends?”

His friends, in the abbreviated story I’d told her, stood in place for the gang. I’d used terms like … intimidating, mean, basically painting them as bullies who didn’t like us together. I wasn’t expecting to get much therapy from a lie. “Out of curiosity, if I were to tell you something… would you be obligated to report it to the police?”

“Not necessarily.” Her legs crossed, creased brows zeroing in with a laser focus. “Has something happened to you, Y/N?”

I swallowed hard, the truth lodged in my throat. But I had gotten too used to the weight of the secret. “I was just curious…” My mind raced to change the subject, and I blurted about Zayn’s art show.

“Do you think this panic attack was induced by this heightened sense of scrutiny from Harry’s friends?”

“Probably.”

“You said there were others. What are your main stressors?’

I settled in, more comfortable with this question. “There’s financial stressors, for one. And it’s exasperated here.”

“You’ve been dealing with financial difficulties for a while, now. Have you been feeling this anxious the entire time, or has it been recent?”

My foot tapped impatiently. We both knew the answer.

“Your panic attack was a first,” she explained, gently. “Some new factor in your life pushed you there.”

I picked at the hangnail, wincing. It was gone. My skin was raw.

“Maybe it all links back to Harry.” She waited a moment to see if I’d speak. When I didn’t, she leant back, and pulled out a new sheet of paper, scribbling something down. “I want you to write a pros and cons list about your relationship with him, for next time. When your feelings are overwhelming, it helps to get everything on paper. In a list. Puts things in perspective.”

I drove home, her words had pushed themselves into my empty shell and now they clinked around, jostling up my insides like a pinball machine and giving me a headache.

Just because I hadn’t left the house all week didn’t mean I didn’t feel guilty for ditching work. God, I did. It killed me. I knew I was lucky to get that internship. Harry had mentioned how people killed just to get on the waitlist, and I didn’t doubt it. An OC internship with, if not the top, at least the most publicized private practice? I mean, I was typing in appointments next to a Southern Stanford grad if that speaks to the competition here.

And here I was, retreating back to my house, too drained to face the world.

As for Harry, after what I’d said to him, I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t want to talk to me ever again.

I’d been so cruel.

I was weak.

I felt guilty for feeling this way at all.

And then I would watch the dust again.

It was a cycle.

About three blocks from my house on my way back from the therapist session, a familiar car passed me. It happened suddenly, unexpectedly, like most things do. We made eye contact before he passed, and my foot instantly lifted off the gas when my eyes connected with my brain. I whipped my head around but the matte black maserati sped up, disappearing from sight.

What was Harry doing this far from campus?

My heart beat erratically as I pulled into the driveway, and it was only seconds before I made it into the house. Father held up a hand in Grandpa’s old room. Phone call. Trudging silently to my own, I wrapped myself in a blanket burrito.

I’d been avoiding my phone, but I caved this time, checking J’s social media to see if he’d posted anything about being in the area to prove I WASN’T crazy and DIDN’T just hallucinate. Nothing. I tossed my phone on the other side of the room before I spiralled.

It didn’t matter. I was in my room. Alone. Safe. I focused on the dust.

Two little knocks disrupted my exciting mind game - which dust particle would fall further than the other.

“You’re turning ripe,” Father noted. His briefcase was still in his hand and he was coming startlingly close to my depression burrito.

“What are you doing-!?” I protested. But it was too late. He ripped the sheets off, exposing me in the t-shirt I’d been in since Monday. “Your mood won’t change if you don’t make an effort.

Come on.”

“Where are we going?”

“You’re coming to the water with me.” He hesitated at the door. “Shower first.”

In the car, a sense of comfort washed over me. He’d been right. Clean wet hair smelled nice and felt good slicked around my head. Even if Mom would complain I’d “catch cold,” it felt good to feel something. Dad’s speakers switched between classic rock and reggaeton as I sipped on the chocolate shake we picked up from the Shake Shack. It was a short drive away to the harbor, and once parked, a shorter walk to the public docks.

Our feet dangled above the water. It was too cold to go swimming this time of year, but my body buzzed with yearning despite the goosebumps on my skin. I wanted to feel encompassed by salty water. I wanted to be submerged, where everything was muted, a barrier between me and the world. Between my wet hair and the icy shake, I could pretend my body was as cool as the water below me. I could just…. dissolve.

“So what’s going on?” he opened up the conversation. “You having a hard time at school?”

“I don’t like the sorority.”

His brows raised, not expecting me to be so honest so soon. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, don’t you hate that shit?”

I looked at him, almost shocked he’d agreed with me.

The boats squeaked as they rocked with the rolling tides coming in from the ocean. I watched as a duffy boat wandered to the end of the jetty - where the harbor opened to the ocean. I took another big gulp of my shake, feeling the cold run down, freezing my esophagus.

“I liked frats, but sororities are different,” he mumbled, spooning his shake into his mouth. He’d gotten his usual Neapolitan, and it’d somehow stayed solid on the drive over. We hadn’t been to the Shake Shack in years, but I guess seeing his daughter waste away beneath her comforter was enough to break the dry spell.

“Why? Because its girls?” My lips were breaking into a smile without my consent. He didn’t make sense.

“They’re more catty.” He shrugged his shoulders.

“Dad! That’s verging on sexist.”

“Eh, I don’t know. I’m just saying things. Did you tell Mom you want to quit?”

I shook my head.

“Yeah…” he looked out at the boats, a quiet understanding passing between us. “She was really excited for you to join.”

“It’s not all bad…”

“Well if it’s not making you happy, don’t do it. Your mom doesn’t want you doing anything you don’t want to do. I was in a frat to shoot the shit with friends and it was something fun to do instead of study. If it’s not something fun for you, drop it.”

I could hear the words he was telling me, but it was like they were rolling off my shoulders, not really penetrating. He made it sound so easy, but it seemed like it was a million times harder than that. Everything was entangled, just as Harry had said. Not to mention Renny. If I quit, I felt like I’d lose her forever, too. I knew I could use a better friend, but that couldn’t erase the years of memories we had together. Losing Renny would feel like losing a part of myself. Not that I knew who that was anymore.

“Dad?” I asked. The question that'd weighed on my mind ever since I got home rested on the tip of my tongue.

“Yeah?”

“This is going to sound weird, but did you see Harry today?”

“Yeah. He stopped by,” he said, casually, spooning another mouthful.

I practically choked. “What? Why?! Weren’t you going to tell me?”

“Y/N, I’m working. I have a thousand things bouncing around in my head all the time.”

“And?!!?”

Harry couldn’t reach out to me beforehand? He drove by but- what? Didn’t even want to see me?

He sighed, not understanding the urgency. “He just stopped by, said hi. That’s all.”

My brows stitched. “Why would he say hi to you? What’d he say, exactly?”

“Oh, come on, I don’t know. I can’t remember-”

“Dad!”

“All right, all right. Hi, how are you…” -his brain tried to remember- “he asked if you were doing okay. Then he left. He was nearby for a family brunch or something.”

“He asked about me?”

“Yeah. I mean, he didn’t go on and on, he just asked a question. He was in a rush.”

The shake froze me from the inside, and the breeze froze me from the out. But while I shriveled into myself, my guilt grew. “Dad?”

He hummed.

“Why are people so fake?”

He looked out at the harbor, peaceful for a winter’s morning. Only one small fishing boat headed towards the harbor’s edge, the sole fisherman at the helm facing the wind with the grace of a husband dealing with a temperamental spouse.

Father looked to our shoes as a random swell came, the water rising perilously close to our soles. Then, with all the untapped wisdom I seldom remembered parents had, “People are fake because they don’t know who they are,” he said.

He got a call from the restaurant and drove us home.

In bed the next day, I ignored the pros/cons assignment, watching New Girl and making collages of Oxford in a word document until my eyes were burning from blue light exposure. I knew I was pushing it staying this long away from school, away from my problems. I was pushing myself, seeing how far my apathy could go. I woke up Thursday night at 2 AM from the rain pouring against my shutter and anger pricking my insides.

Harry was the reason I was in this position. As well as Viv, who fucked Harry. And Kiki, who gave me a DG Pretty Please, that just so happened to involve Harry.

I wanted him, but I wanted him to fuck off. Nothing was changing. Nothing was getting better.

It was all Harry, Harry, Harry, and no matter what, I ended up feeling insane.

At one point, I was going to have to choose myself.

I rolled over, blindly reaching for a pen, and scribbled in the dark.

If my therapist wanted a list, she’d get one helluva list.

-----------

“I’m glad you’re going, honey.” Mom released me from the lung-crushing hug.

I’d created enough Oxford collages and daydreamed about a new life until I couldn’t think of any other imaginary scenarios (or postpone collegiate life any longer).

The Friday sun had set. The game had already started. I thought about the crowd, all the people I’d see…

“Can I just stay the weekend?”

“Oh.” Her arms dropped from my sides. “Didn’t you promise your friends that you’d go?”

Renny. I’d promised Renny. Singular friend. My hand was in a fist, thumb rubbing anxiously over my fingers. I didn’t listen to her voicemails, there were seven of them. But she’d texted me fifty times in the past twenty minutes, declaring that she’d Venmo me gas money if I’d come to the game.

I’d been in my hole long enough.

“Yeah, I did.”

“Well, you COULD stay-”

I broke away, shaking my head. If I let her coddle me another minute, I think I’d crumble all over again.

“I love you,” she reminded me. “You’re my precious angel.”

From the living room, the muffled applause from the game show Father had fallen asleep to faded further as I left.

Momma’s robe-bundled frame waved on the driveway, her sad smile burning in my mind long after she disappeared from view.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Come on, come on, come ON.

The path to the stadium took forever. No shame, I was full-on running, braless, fresh pit-stains on display as I booked it to the gate.

It was completely dark now, and the usual fleet of cop cars seemed to have all but disappeared the week I’d been gone. Only one passed me by, and the rest of the student body probably all congregated around the stadium.

When I saw the art studio, I slowed. It was completely dark, except for one entry light. The paintings would still be displayed... My pounding heart told me to keep running, and I hesitated, listening to it for a moment before walking to the door. I tugged on its metal handles, parts of me seizing up as it opened, giving way to my touch.

I crept into the space, feeling like an intruder as I walked through the exhibit.

For some reason, I expected it to look differently, to see it blurred together as I’d seen it before in a panic.

I was still hanging amidst the vines, but this time the paintings looked less threatening. Maybe it was the fact that I was alone, maybe it was because I’d already felt the worst of it.

Each piece was sold.

I looked over my shoulder a couple times before letting out a small shout. A tester.

It echoed in the space.

I did it again, louder, at my full about-to-be-murdered capacity.

I must’ve looked absolutely mental, but as I heard my shout reverberate around me, at least I felt something.

Five charcoal sketches in particular ran horizontally together.

Lust / Longing / Love / Lost / Loss

Had he seen all of this in me? He’d certainly seen other bits I hadn’t shown him.

My phone buzzed, and I pulled it out. Renny. Without thought, I started her stream of voicemails.

Y/N where the FUCK are you!? Zayn’s concerned and I’m concerned and you’re not in the room-

Next.

Are you really sick? Or is this just some BS excuse. Or is this real and Harry gave you tonsilitis or something. I want to hear your voice. Ilyyyyy.

Next.

It’s meeeeee. Niall’s busy and you’re sick and I don’t know what to dooooo. Housewives isn’t as fun without-

Next.

BABE WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING ME CALLS DO YOU HATE ME, AND YES I MEANT TO SAY ME INSTEAD OF MY I HOPE YOU’RE LAUGHING-

Next.

DUDE. You will not believe what just happened- Harry just stopped by.

My thumb paused, letting it stay.

I was avoiding his texts because I think he’s a dick. Well, he IS a dick, even if Niall said he was going through a lot. It’s still not an excuse. But Harry LEGIT found me on campus, like not even when I was with Niall at the house, but at our APARTMENT...I-hold on. Ew, pastrami professor just passed me. What are the odds? OKAY BUT SERIOUSLY, I almost punched him when I opened the door because remember last time he basically told me off. But… I don’t know. It was different this time. He seemed… so concerned. Frazzled. I don’t even know the word to describe it. Ugh, if you were here you would be able to TELL ME what the word is. I miss you. Come back.

The voicemail rolled into the next.

I’m just pretending to talk on the phone right now because the boy I hooked up with last year is staring me THE FUCK down right now-

A creak in the pipes startled me, and the voicemail was all but forgotten.

My heart beat fast.

It was very, very quiet.

With one noise in the dark, the art pieces turned menacing. An oil painting in the corner of the room morphed into the Styles’ portrait. It wasn’t here. It couldn’t be here. I squinted, blinking through the dark. The portrait I thought I’d seen was just a painting of two silhouetted men facing each other. My heart still beat like I’d just ran a marathon though. I wasn’t about to be a part of the next horror movie “art comes alive.”

I booked it out faster than I came, answering Renny’s call on the way.

---------

“Thank fucking finally,” Renny huffed, leaning over Lynn to draw me in a hug.

“You didn’t miss much,” Lynn said, looking past me towards the game. I sat on Renny’s other side so she was in the middle, but when I looked at the scoreboard - Home, zero. Guest, two - I knew it was a done deal. Some people had already left, but half the stadium was still here, either hoping for a miraculous recovery or refusing to put their tails between their legs for pride’s sake. I noticed a group of parents in Chapman gear huddled together, waving their flags. No Mary or Lionel Styles in sight.

“How’s he been?” I asked. It’s like my head already knew where to turn, because as soon as I looked to the field, I found him. On the bench, elbows on his knees, head bent over.

“How’ve YOU been?” Renny asked. “I was seriously about to drive over to your house and check on you.”

Someone beat you to it. The thought was sour. For as much as Renny could claim her undying love for me, I was struggling to see the actions to support it. Everyone was disappointing.

“He’s been playing like shit,” Lynn answered.

“Brought back some...” His sentence died. Of all people, Zayn stood there, stopped, popcorn in hand. “Hey, Y/N.”

Felix stood behind Zayn, giving me a small wave. Zayn was clearly waiting for me to make the first move, but I turned away to the field. I didn’t know what to say.

From my peripheral, I saw them sit down by Lynn.

As soon as he did, it hit me like a flashfood. I knew what I was feeling. Anger. Discomfort. Shame. That he could expose me so easily, that he’d looked through my clothes in a way I never permitted. That he could sit down so comfortably without apologizing, as if nothing had happened.

Renny leaned in. “Are you okay?”

“No.”

She flinched at the abrupt answer. “Do you want to leave?”

I stopped myself from saying yes. I didn’t want to have to climb over Zayn to get out of here. That would be more than uncomfortable.

“No, I’ll tell you later.”

I didn’t speak the rest of the game, pretending not to hear him cheer or laugh or make a snide remark to Felix every other second. Like the annoying click of a fan when you’re trying to fall asleep, Zayn’s every move made anger shake my bones. Lynn gave me sympathy looks every once in a while. It wasn’t like me to be this quiet, and even with our friendship being as new as it was, she knew that much.

The crowd didn’t roar this time. They were silent as the clock hit zero, staring blatantly at its twin beneath Home. The Guest team’s few Minnesota supporters jumped like little beans on the other side of the field, but their cries were faint.

We’d lost.

Everyone stood, and Renny linked her arm with mine. A familiar habit. “We’re going to Viv’s for some post-game depression drinks now.”

But I stopped her.

“I think I want to go back to the room,” I winced.

“Come on, PLEASE? It’ll be fun, you were barely here for the game.”

“I don’t know, depression and Viv in the same sentence… You really know how to sell a party.”

“Aren’t you coming, Y/N?” Lynn made moves to follow the rest of the crowd that was funneling out of the stands.

I shook my head at the same time Renny nodded hers.

She huffed. “Why not? It’s going to be chill. We lost. It’s not going to be like the usual ragers.” She popped her hip, completely deadpanned. “You haven’t seen another college-aged person in a week.”

“Yeah and there’s a reason for that.”

Concern washed over her, voice lowering. “Tell me.”

As if on cue, Zayn and Felix stopped their descent down the bleachers and looked up at the girls, waiting for them to join. It was all I could do to not scream at them.

“Later,” I said. “You’re leaving now.”

“I don’t have to leave right now, it’s not starting yet...” Renny began, but Lynn gave her a look that said yes, they were leaving now.

“She wants us to help set-up,” Lynn explained.

“But it’s a small thing, right?” I teased Renny.

My bestie rolled her eyes, lips pinching. “Are you SURE?”

I nodded, sitting down on the cool metal bleacher again. Renny took a step towards me, a sad look on her face, but I held up my hand.

“I’m fine,” I said, when I felt anything but. “I just want to wait until the crowd leaves.” I picked up the popcorn bag she’d left behind and threw a handful in my mouth with a cheesy, hopefully convincing grin.

She grimaced, briefly looking back to Lynn who was anxiously waiting. “Fine. But we’re still talking about this later. I friggin miss you.”

She left with the others, funneling out towards a party she’d probably stay at until the early morning.

I didn’t want to go back to the room. I didn’t want to go anywhere.

The lights were so bright on soccer fields. Bugs flew in and around, racing each other faster than the dust in my room. It wasn’t until the janitors walked past me that I realized I’d been sitting there for too long. I reached in the popcorn bag, but my hand came up empty. They’d gone overboard on the salty butter, but somehow, I’d still managed to eat all of it.

Even with everyone off the field though, I didn’t feel alone. An older Hispanic woman taking out the trash saw me walking down and opened up the bag.

“Thank you,” I said, smiling.

She just smiled in return, nodding her head as she continued down the aisle.

Leaving the field’s gates, I was prepping for another mini run-for-my-life-and-back-to-the-dorm anxiety episode, when I heard someone shuffling. There were faint groaning noises, and I sped up my pace.

For a flash second, I thought someone was winning the “sleep in the locker room” bet, but when I tossed my head-back mid-run, I stopped so quickly, I almost tripped.

“Harry?”

There, in the dark, barely concealed by the shadows, he stumbled out. His abdomen looked… glossy? But then the light reflected crimson.

I ran to him as he fell, his white jersey stained with blood. “Oh my God, oh my God…” I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. “What happened?! Are you okay!?”

He pushed me back. “M’fine.” But his voice was strained. He stumbled again, and I reached out before he fell.

I thought the blood from his shirt had fallen from a bloody nose, but his hand moved to my arm in a vice-like grip, revealing a gash in his jersey, I saw more liquid pool out from his gut and I almost gagged.

“You are BEYOND fine. You aren’t fucking fine!!”

“We have to leave. Have to… get out of here.” He grimaced. His face, his beautifully chiselled face was swollen on one side, his lip cut from impact.

“Okay. OKAY. I need to call the cops. The cops. I’m going to call them.” Shaky hands took out the cellphone, but he threw it down. “HARRY!”

“Take me to the physical therapy room?”

I looked at his chest. “You’re bleeding. A LOT.” My free arm reached for the tossed phone, but he tugged me back.

“No. They’ll write a report. I can’t have a-” he winced, sucking in a breath, and I reached for the phone again. “DON’T. Fucking hell. Don’t call anyone.”

My eyes racked his frame again, and I immediately applied pressure to his ab area, right where the gash was. He sucked in a breath, unleashing a string of curses I couldn’t hear right now. “Oh my God,” I breathed.

“Answer me,” he growled.

My mind scrambled for his question… he wanted me to take him to the physical therapy room. “YES! Yes. I have the- fuck, yes, I know where the keys are.” I looked at him again. What the FUCK.

“Stop freaking out,” he grunted, but he weakened the next second, his eyes fluttering before coming back to me.

“Okay, hold on. Hold onto me. Keep applying pressure.”

The physical therapy room wasn’t too far, bits of blood that’d fallen to his shoes marking our path.

“Why aren’t all the cops here?”

“They’re on rotation. The parties... they’llbestationedthere-JESUS.” We paused, letting him catch his breath. But it was shallow. Too shallow.

“Can you wait here for a second?” I asked.

He nodded, resting against a lamp post.

I hurried to the lockbox located behind the planter, punching in the code and unlocking it at lightning’s speed.

I didn’t know if there were cameras. I didn’t know if this was illegal.

I didn’t care.

We made it through the doors, and he was just about to sit on the table when-

“WAIT!” I ran to grab several rags and laid it beneath him before heaving him up. The soft cry he made when sitting down was like a knife through my own chest.

I grabbed scissors, cutting his t-shirt. I didn’t have time to linger, I didn’t have time to notice the way his tattoos were completely concealed by a red current. There were two wounds. One, deeper, the other, more shallow. Both in the lower left abdomen, just above a prominent v-line.

I wiped around the area, pausing above the gashes. “This is going to sting,” I warned.

There wasn’t fear in his eyes. He watched me, and I, him, as I pressed it against the open skin. He trembled, wincing, mouth opening in silent exclamation.

“You’re doing good,” I whispered.

“So are you,” he gritted out.

I swallowed, reaching for the butterfly bandages. But as soon as I did, more blood rushed out. I held a rag to him. “Save your breath. You need it.”

The thin white bandages seemed too little in the wake of his wound, and just as one bandage was placed, he cringed away, regretting his decision to move almost immediately.

“Fucking hurts,” he groaned.

“Stop moving! I need to close the wound up. You’re bleeding too much.”

“Y/N, just take me home. Call Lionel,” he panted.

“I’m calling 911 if you don’t let me at least attempt to close this wound because if we leave now you’ll bleed out.”

“You’ve done enough, please-”

“STOP. TALKING. I’ll call him after.” He saw a flame behind my eyes, and quieted, too weak to protest much more anyway. I came closer, and this time he didn’t flinch. The butterfly bandages at least minimally shrunk the open gouges.

With no other choice, I left him there alone, running across campus to my car and driving back in less than five minutes. It was illegal to drive through student walkways, let alone drive 60 mph, but there wasn’t a choice. I kept picturing Harry passing out, his limp God-like body, turned mortal, weak, bleeding out all over the training room floor. My foot hit the gas pedal harder. I could’ve been a damn marathon winner/race car driver. Let the cops add “speeding” to the file they already had on me.

Once we were both in the car, I looked over at him every two seconds. An entire roll of tight gauze around his abdomen kept the wound from bleeding out, but it was still turning pink. It was the second time blood would have been on my car.

Of all the revenge daydreams I’d had, I would’ve settled for Harry seeing me make out with Andre on the dancefloor over THIS. Would he die in my car? Would I be responsible?? I looked at the cheesy Angel pin my mom had given me for my car mirror. Never Fly Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly. Where was my angel now??

“Where are we going?” He asked, between fading in and out.

“To your house.”

His hand grabbed mine on the wheel and I practically swerved into the center divider from shock.

“HARRY!”

“We need to go to my house,” he said suddenly, panicked, as if I’d told him the opposite.

I placed our interlocked hands above the console. A safe distance away from the wheel in case he lurched again.

“Don’t worry, we’re going there. We’re going to your house. You’re just in shock, it’s okay,” I cooed, but it was desperate. And it was definitely not okay.

“They’ll ask… less..less questions...”

His grip was unbearably tight for three long seconds before it relaxed.

“Stay with me. Stay awake,” I urged. Harry’s lids kept drooping and I was desperate, blasting the Air Conditioning to an uncomfortable temperature.

Lionel picked up on the second ring.

“It’s Y/N. I think Harry’s been stabbed-”

“What?!”

“- I told him we should call the cops, but he was adamant we call you instead.”

“Seal the wound with whatever you can-”

“I did that. Not well, we didn’t have wound sealant- Okay, I’m rambling. I don’t know what to do, but he needs to see a doctor. Immediately.”

There was a long pause.

“Hello?” my voice wavered.

“Bring him to the practice.” The voice over the other line was that of a doctor, matter-of-fact, somber.

Hoag Hospital passed me, a nagging thought telling me that’s where we should be going - where there was paperwork, evidence, some legitimate accountability. But I wasn’t his father. I wasn’t responsible.

“On my way. I’m getting off the freeway now.”

The call ended, and as I looked at Harry, fading dangerously out of consciousness, my hands trembled more from fear than cold. Out of all the reactions, I hadn’t expected this one. The voice on the other line hadn’t seemed surprised at all.

come talk to me about the chappie or just about how you’re doing! now’s the time to stay connected :)

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 3 years

Text

Alma Mater (S2, E3)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:20 - There’s no way Martin is actually going to escape Claremont until AT LEAST the season finale.

0:55 - Anyone else annoyed that Ainsley isn’t in Martin’s fantasy? I mean - it’s completely in character but it still pisses me off.

1:49 - I’m sorry - what? How will pouring Malcolm a drink help this fictional situation?

2:00 - Malcolm ruining Martin’s fantasy dream is honestly such a mood.

2:10 - “That little kill joy.” haha

2:21 - Malcolm has a stationary bike. Of course he does. But why does he listen to the personal trainer lady (who I assume was a recording programmed on the bike)? Malcolm doesn’t seem like he needs praise or motivation to exercise. He probably does it the way I do - mindlessly as a habit. A habit built from the knowledge that if I skip a morning workout I will feel more unsettled and anxious than usual before lunch....and don’t even get me started on how quickly my depressive thoughts escalate.

2:24 - ....I’m still convinced/hoping that this is a false memory Martin has planted in Malcolm. I’m all for Malcolm whump and Malcolm trauma...but the thought of Gil, the team, and Jessica finding out that Malcolm committed a crime terrifies me. I don’t want him to go to jail. I don’t want Gil and the team to turn their back on him. I don’t want Jessica to blame herself (more than usual).

2:39 - I love that the “Malcolm pretty much only feeds himself liquorice and lollipops” is still canon this season.

2:42 - OMG. That is not a helpful affirmation. Like maybe for anyone? If you’re traumatized/depressed/anxious “consider the past and you shall know the future” is not comforting or inspiring. It’s the opposite.

2:48 - I’m loving how confidently Malcolm has been shutting down Martin’s manipulation. #soproud

2:52 - Anyone else super upset that Martin is the person with whom Malcolm discusses his mental health the most honestly?

3:12 - Check out the way Mr. David looks at Martin here. Does Mr. David already know about Endicott? Or is he just like, “Bitch, spit it out so I don’t have to keep guessing your current family drama.”?

3:17 - “Let’s have another session today.” .....Does Martin really think he’s Malcolm’s new therapist? DOES MALCOLM THINK THAT? IS THAT WHY HE ISN’T SEEING GABRIELLE? HAS MARTIN MANIPULATED HIM INTO THINKING THAT HE DOESN’T NEED GABRIELLE?!?

3:22 - hahahaha OMG. Mr.David is so done with Martin’s theatrics.

3:32 - Ok so two things:

Martin’s insight on Malcolm’s mental health/coping mechanisms is disturbingly on point. Almost like he’s an attentive, caring, father (which he isn’t).

How long was Gil outside Malcolm’s door before he knocked? Do you think he overheard Malcolm’s side of the conversation? I kind of hope he did. But only if it means I get to see Gil asking Malcolm about it.

3:50 - “Put me on speaker.” I’m torn. Part of me is so proud of Malcolm for denying Martin’s need for attention....but part of me is living for a Martin/Gil showdown where they fight over Malcolm in front of Malcolm.

3:54 - Ok. So Gil was a jerk last episode but I forgive him. Gil just showed up at Malcolm’s apartment to tell him about a case instead of calling Malcolm. Gil knew Malcolm would be upset. Gil knew that Malcolm needed to hear this in person. <3 My heart is full. <3

4:12 - Concerned!Gil is everything. Look at how much he cares about Malcolm and what this case will inevitably bring up for Malcolm. You can almost see how badly Gil doesn’t want Malcolm on this case.

4:13 - “What if I said I need you?” Damn. Gil knows. He knows that Malcolm desperately doesn’t want to ever disappoint Gil. Gil is Malcolm’s hero and, when Malcolm is thinking straight, he’d do anything for Gil.

4:17 - <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Gil looks so sad when he notices Malcolm’s hand shaking. Can a heart simultaneously break and heal?

4:23 - Oh yeah. Gil definitely wanted Brumback dead for what he did to Malcolm. He doesn’t even try giving Malcolm the “you’re being insensitive” look.

4:42 - Wow. That school is nicer than my university.

4:47 - Do you think Gil’s been to the school before? To visit and/or pick up Malcolm? ....I really want to believe he did. Gil looks like he’s leading Malcolm through campus. Gil looks like he’s familiar with the campus. Surely that means he visited Malcolm there. Right?

5:17 - So...was the “office under water” thing officially a prank? It’s brutal. Forget the murder, Brumback would’ve expelled kids for that prank.

5:27 - I love how Dani looks at Gil for clarification here. She’s like, “Malcolm is upset, ranting, and making no sense. I’m not going to set him off further by asking more questions. But I need to know what the hell he’s going on about.”

5:40 - Soooo is JT texting Dani? Or is Tally? I really hope it’s Tally. I hope Dani’s texts are all reading something along the lines of “He won’t stop pacing and panicking. If he doesn’t calm down I’m going to slap him.”

5:43 - I love the look of disbelief that Gil shoots Dani when her phone goes off. haha

5:52 - hahaha Gil so heard Edrisa the first time. He was just giving her a chance to conform to professional social standards.

6:03 - hahahaha OMG. Edrisa is a treasure.

6:56 - awww Malcolm, baby. :( This boy has so much trauma. I love it.

7:07 - I’m assuming Malcolm’s ‘high school’ was grades 10-12 (not 8-12 which is common in the area of Canada where I grew up) so that means Tom Payne is currently being passed off as a 15-16 year old. It kinda works. But ngl - I spent most of this scene thinking “could they not hire a kid because of COVID?”

7:12 - I’m not actually mad that Tom Payne was allowed to play high school Malcolm though. His performance in this scene is really moving. “Be someone new.” :( <3

7:45 - Sooooo Malcolm changed his name before he was legally an adult. If it’s his legal last name (we see “Bright” on pill bottles in S1 so it’s his legal name now at least) Jessica had to have signed the paperwork. Damn. I wish I was there to see that process regardless of when it became his legal last name.

7:49 - Baby Malcolm looks so comforted by Martin’s acceptance of his new name and new school. It breaks my heart.

8:00 - Wait. There was a teacher who liked Malcolm at this school? The son a serial killer? AND the teacher recognizes Malcolm 15 years later?!? Nah. I don’t buy it. I love Malcolm but I feel like the teachers would’ve avoided developing any sort of relationship with Malcolm even if they didn’t have a problem with him.

8:05 - Hold up. This school is so fancy. Are you telling me they don’t have outdoor security cameras? Surely those would’ve told you who the suspects for the desk thing were at least.

8:15 - awwww poor Malcolm looks shattered here. :(

8:31 - “Easy. Let’s keep an open mind.” That is pure Dad!Gil energy and I’m here for it.

8:39 - Of course. Of course Jessica is involved in the rich school.

8:51 - I’m on Gil and Malcolm’s side here. Jessica is putting her reputation over Malcolm’s mental health. Shame on her. No no. I will not stand for this - and neither will Gil. Damn. Look at how pissed he is on Malcolm’s behalf. <3 So sweet.

9:06 - “Pop-pop’s aquatic center”!?!? Soooo is Pop-pop Jessica’s grandfather or Malcolm’s? Either way give me more information about the extended family. Are they dead? Did they disown them after the Surgeon business? I WANT ANSWERS FEDAK.

9:15 - I swear. Malcolm is the best son/brother ever. The sacrifices he makes for his Mom/sister are unreal. Also - how much do you want to bet that Malcolm was thinking about the Endicott murder coming out when Jessica said, “how soon until they connect that back to me?”. Malcolm looks so sad here.

9:23 - Nah. I don’t like Delaney. Even on the first watch I was put off by him. Something about him just creeps me out. He’s showing a weird amount of affection for Malcolm 15 years after Malcolm finished school. IDK maybe I was just upset that someone was trying to mimic Gil’s relationship with Malcolm?

9:27 - oooooooohhhhh Mom and Dad are fighting. hahaha Malcolm looks so uncomfortable. Gil looks livid. Is Gil pissed because Jessica dumped him or because she totally just neglected Malcolm’s well-being for her own? Probably both. Either way, it’s endlessly entertaining.

9:53 - I’m on Gil’s side here. She dumped him (like a f**ing moron) because she “doesn’t want to hurt him” and because she’s “broken” and “cursed”. Yet - she manipulates her way into cases. Making her business Gil’s. Gil should be pissed - she broke his heart. Again. Like he’s literally been choosing to hang out with Malcolm, Jessica’s (let’s face it) broken son, for more than 20 years. Jessica’s crazy if she thinks that she’s going to get Gil killed or hurt just because she’s a Whitly. Malcolm’s technically a Whitly - Gil hasn’t died yet.

10:15 - “Not usually.” Dang. That was icy.

10:50 - Yo this is one messed up bible study. Take it from someone who has attended many young adult/teenage bible studies. This is crazy. Usually it’s: read the bible for 5-10 minutes as a group, discuss how you interpreted it for 15-20 mins, pray as a group for 5 mins, then like an hour of tea/coffee, cookies, board games, and general chatting about normal stuff like romance, school, and personal drama.

11:44 - “Poor Tally.” hahaha I’m willing to bet that Tally is texting Dani - not JT. I just can’t imagine a panicking, first-time father, texting his little sister with accurate medical details about his wife’s pre-labour experience. He’s probably way too panicked to remember the medical jargon that is “foley ballon”.

12:00 - I’ve watched this scene about 30 times. I’m in love with it. Tom Payne’s performance is haunting and I’m a sucker for emotional whump. I love how Dani is concerned about Malcolm but respectful enough to pry until he shuts down. I love Malcolm’s little speech about the hand tremor (even though it doesn’t make sense because baby Malcolm’s hand was shaking when Shannon interrogated him - but that’s a whole different can of worms I’m not going to rant about).

12:39 - Does anyone else think it’s weird that there’s a bolt on the closet door? Why isn’t there a lock in the door handle like every other interior school door? I mean, I guess it’s because they can be unlocked from the inside and Nicky would’ve needed a key....but still. The things I forgive for the sake of plot.

13:25 - Damn. Brumback was a real jerk. “I know what you really are.” Do you know how painful that would be for Malcolm to hear? Regardless of what he almost did to Nicky? Everywhere Malcolm goes people accuse him of being just like his father. Is it surprising that in a moment of weakness, with teenage hormones, Malcolm snapped and said, “Eff it. They think I’m a murderer anyways.”

13:26 - OMG. How bad were the kids at this school?!?! Brumback expelled so many kids. Holy hell. Also - Brumback is wearing a wedding ring. Did he get divorced before he died? Did his wife pass away before him? Why was his family not part of this investigation at all?

13:31 - Brumback writing “Malcolm Whitly” instead of Malcolm Bright is....ouch. I just. My heart breaks for Malcolm.

13:37 - OMG. Traumatized people going through PTSD flashbacks should not be unattended next to a pool of water. Honestly - I thought our boy was going to drown. Which the whumper in me would’ve loved but also I don’t think it was right for the plot on this one.

14:38 - Martin is such a liar. He definitely thinks he’s God’s gift to the Earth.

15:02 - Martin knows a lot about the security zones. Something tells me this isn’t the first time he’s contemplated escaping.

15:04 - Oh shit. Daryl has an imaginary cell mate. I know that’s a serious mental illness and I shouldn’t laugh but OMG. The moment Martin realizes that Daryl is delusional is priceless. hahahaha

15:25 - How much to do want to bet Mr. David has a red key card? Martin’s grin confirms it.

15:40 - Wow. The classrooms in this high school are really big. I would’ve thought this fancy private school would have smaller class sizes.

15:49 - YES. OMG. Malcolm walking into that classroom soaking wet is golden. *chef’s kiss* Look at Gil’s face - it’s a mixture of concern and disbelief. He’s soooo worried about Malcolm right now. <3

16:07 - It’s a good thing Malcolm’s rich because that phone is never going to be useful again.

16:20 - ahhahahaha OMG. WTF. Gil’s little twinkle-finger wave is hilarious.

16:38 - This whole scene Gil is just staring at Malcolm with so much concern. It warms my cold, dead heart. <3

16:46 - Do you think Malcolm looked for his name in the book? Is it the same book? Do you think Brumback expelled enough kids that this is a new black book?

17:08 - Ok. So I immediately don’t like Louisa. That level of confidence and self-absorption is very unattractive.

17:25 - Louisa volunteers in the library. That’s how she got access to the poison.

17:35 - “Dude. You’re dripping.” “Yeah. Water does that.” Can Malcolm be this sassy every episode?!? I’m living for it.

17:57 - “Boys right? Oof” haha I love Malcolm talking to teenagers. I want it in every episode. ALSO - the jock’s story about the two girls - I’m sorry, but I just don’t see how that an expulsion level offence unless the kid is leaving something out of the story.

18:31 - Of course they talked about this before they came there. DELANEY WARNED THEM. But mostly to keep his little cheating ring hush hush.

18:55 - And just like that we’ve been blessed with Malcolm in casual clothes. Wish I could’ve seen Gil question Malcolm’s swim though.

19:26 - OMG. Edrisa is such a cute little nerd. <3 Protect her at all costs.

20:00 - Gil and Jessica arguing is amazing. I’m loving it and hating it. Because I want them to live happily ever after in a fairytale world but I do enjoy the drama.

20:06 - hahaha look at how Jessica just pushes Gil to the side and plows on to Malcolm. This woman is fierce.

20:11 - Yes. Yes Malcolm. Tell Mom she has unrealistic and insensitive expectations of you.

20:18 - What kind of school is this?!? The board of trustee members are buddy buddy with the students?!?

20:22 - “They’re all from impeccable families.” “So was I” Mic drop. Watch Malcolm drop the truth bombs. This is maybe the best line in this episode.

20:30 - “And just like you - none of them is capable of murder.” .....well this sentence is going to come back and bite Jessica in the butt later this season.

20:44 - The fact that these kids think Edrisa is a freshman is actually hilarious to me.

20:50 - OMG. “Welcome to boarding school. Bitch.” I was ready for Louisa to die right here. She just punched Edrisa and then called her a bitch. No no no. Edrisa is a quirky treasure and we must protect her.

21:00 - Damn. I wish we got to see the team’s reaction when they found out one of their teenage suspects assaulted their favourite M.E.

21:10 - Why is it soooo attractive when Malcolm wears casual shirts under a suit jacket?

21:53 - “My vote is for Louisa. The girl’s got a heavy fist.” hahaha I love Edrisa. SO SO much.

22:05 - Soooo is Jessica some sort of consultant now? They used her to interview cult extractors and now rich, teenage murder suspect. Is she the “rich person investigator” now?

22:11 - Does Louisa know that Malcolm is Jessica’s son?

23:04 - Louisa is a bad liar.

24:15 - Delaney should be ashamed. He told Nicky who Malcolm’s dad was. He is the reason that Malcolm got locked in a closet for 3 days. He is the reason Malcolm is claustrophobic. This man should have his teaching license seized and be charged with child abuse. What he did was absolutely despicable.

24:35 - “My mom’s sending a car.” It’s nice that Malcolm doesn’t always refer to Jessica as “mother”

25:00 - This is heartbreaking. I hope Nicky got expelled. If he didn’t - Malcolm experience a bigger injustice than we were lead to believe. Look at Nicky walking away from Malcolm. That kid has no remorse. I don’t blame Malcolm for seeking revenge. Malcolm keeps getting burned by people. Something had to give eventually.

25:30 - The biggest crime this episode committed is that we only saw Malcolm getting comfort from DELANEY. Honestly. Where was my papa Gil moment?!? Or a Dani+Malcolm moment?!?

25:51 - I doubt Delaney tried to stand up for Malcolm. He probably encouraged the expulsion.

26:05 - “Please.” Yikes. This has been torturing Malcolm for years. Who sold him out? Who ruined his last chance at a happy childhood? Who allowed him to be traumatized further? Who gave him the hand tremor (assuming we’re ignoring the S1 canon).

26:38 - What. A. Getaway. This school is full of crazy rich kids.

26:55 - “This time”?!? Doesn’t Martin always root for the killer?

27:05 - I love everything about this interaction between Martin and Malcolm. I love how upset Malcolm is. I love how Malcolm calls out Martin for being a bad dad. I love that Martin just sits there and takes it. Martin even looks a little sad. It makes me wonder - did Martin know about Delaney’s cheating ring? Did Martin manipulate Delaney into thinking Malcolm was a threat and convince him to get Malcolm expelled? I can see Martin doing it. If for no other reason than to tarnish the “Milton legacy” at Remington.

28:04 - UGH. I want to see how Malcolm got out of that closet SO BAD. Who found him? How close to death was he? PLEASE TELL ME IT WAS GIL. Why didn’t Jessica investigate when Malcolm didn’t show up at the Hamptons as planned?

28:13 - “How you wish that were true.” Ouch. Martin is a real asshole. He knows just how to destabilize Malcolm’s confidence.

28:56 - Even now, Martin is trying to manipulate Malcolm. Their relationship is so dysfunctional, beautiful, heartbreaking, and complex. I could watch them interact forever.

29:31 - Look at that little head shake from Mr. David. Martin’s cell is not soundproof. Mr. David heard everything. Mr. David always hears everything. Mr. David knows about Endicott. Istg.

30:12 - Delaney is a scumbag. He might not be a serial killer but he’s another male, adult asshole who gained Malcolm’s trust and then stabbed him in the back.

30:37 - OK. So I know, I’ve been hypothesizing that Mr. David is an ally to Martin’s crazy schemes, or that he worked for Endicott, or that Martin is going to try to kill Mr. David. BUT YO. IF MR. DAVID DIES I WILL THROW HANDS. HE’S SUCH A GREAT CHARACTER.

31:40 - This is a weirdly fancy room for video games. Also I miss JT. He should be here. I wish he was here. He would’ve been so good in this episode. Can you imagine his facial expressions and comments when he finds out little tidbits about Malcolm’s teenage past?! It would’ve been comedic GOLD. Couldn’t Tally give birth during a less interesting episode?!?!

32:15 - I’m convinced that Malcolm isn’t actually upset that Delaney’s crime is running the cheating ring. I think Malcolm’s upset because he just realized the only positive male role model (aside from Gil) that he had as a teenager was a manipulative liar who betrayed him. Malcolm just realized that this dude never cared about him and he’s crushed.

32:27 - Wait. Does Delaney make the kids pay him for the answers? Because that actually makes sense.

33:08 - This whole scene where Molly runs out of the back room and Dani says, “who are you running from?” is really cringey to me.

33:19 - Oh great. Now the guy who betrayed Malcolm is touching the back of Malcolm’s neck. JUST LIKE GIL DOES. Well....something tells me that’s going to taint how comforting Malcolm find’s that gesture coming from Gil for a while. Malcolm just isn’t allowed to be happy. Even for a moment. It’s a shame. I also love it.

33:40 - Awww...poor Malcolm is claustrophobic and he gets locked in the vault with a dying man. Look how desperate he is to get out of there - to save Delaney and to save himself more mental distress.

33:53 - Look at Malcolm panicking here. He tries to hide his panic as concern for Delaney but he’s clearly freaking out about being trapped in a smallish space.

34:25 - Yep. Malcolm didn’t think he could trust Daryl because Daryl is delusional. SO Martin threatens to murder Daryl and then metaphorically stabs the dude in the back. This is perfectly in character.

35:25 - Damn. Louisa is seriously mentally ill. She has zero empathy.

35:57 - Malcolm projecting his mental issues on the killer du jour is always simultaneously cringey and amazing to me.

36:26 - I’m not going to lie. Daryl screaming “He’s a Judas” as he was dragged away was hilarious.

37:04 - Holy shit. This took a turn. I’ll be honest - I don’t blame Malcolm for almost killing Nicky. But it does scare me.

38:35 - That story must have been haunting Malcolm for 15 years. I bet you he’s never told anyone not even Gabrielle. He’s had nightmares about it. Because he knows he’s capable of murder. Just like Martin. That terrifies Malcolm more than anything in the world.

39:12 - sooooo Delaney just heard that whole confession. Delaney lives. Something tells me this is going to be a problem for Malcolm when Endicott’s murder is investigated later in the season.

39:35 - “Are you insane?” “Maybe.” That’s it. That’s the show.

40:00 - Two questions: 1) Where is Dani? 2) Why does Gil not know where Malcolm is right now?

40:22 - Look Fedak screwed us over. We didn’t get to see Gil find Malcolm half-dead on the floor of that library vault. BUT this scene almost makes up for it.

40:24 - Malcolm wrapped in a blanket is so so cute. I just want to hug him. I want Gil to hug him. Ugh. <3

40:28 - I love that you can tell that Malcolm and Gil have had this sort of discussion about Malcolm’s sense of self-preservation numerous times in the past. Gil looks sooooo pissed. And concerned.

40:35 - Malcolm’s imitation of Gil makes me so so so so happy. I just. Ugh. It’s adorable. Look at how exasperated it makes Gil. Look at Dani’s reaction to it. This might be the greatest “found family”. scenes this show has given us to date.

40:55 - “All in a day’s work.” Oh yeah. Gil is super concerned about Malcolm’s mental state. Gil is Worried. I want to see more of it.

40:57 - I love that Dani just can’t wait anymore. She’s so precious. Look at how excited she is about JT’s baby. <3 I’m in love. She’s so soft here - it’s beautiful and rare for this show to let the audience see this side of Dani.

41:00 - GIL’S REACTION. <3 OMG. I LOVE HIM. HE LOOKS SO HAPPY. I HOPE JT AND TALLY DUB HIM THE BABY’S UNOFFICIAL GRANDFATHER.

41:02 - MALCOLM’S FACE. <3 <3 <3 IS THIS THE FIRST TIME HE’S EVER SEEN A BABY? HE’S SO ENAMORED WITH THIS CHILD ALREADY. LOOK AT HOW MUCH MALCOLM ALREADY LOVES JT’S KID. <3 <3 IT’S SO SOFT. I LOVE IT SO SO SO SO MUCH.

41:22 - I can’t decide about this scene. On one hand - I think it’s really mature of Malcolm to apologize to Martin. It’s a courtesy that Martin doesn’t deserve. ON THE OTHER HAND - I wonder if Malcolm is only apologizing to throw Martin off balance. I wonder if this is Malcolm’s attempt to manipulate Martin for once. Either way - I love it.

42:25 - Martin always gets the last word. He always worms his way into Malcolm’s brain and screws with Malcolm’s sense of self. I hate it. But I also find it so captivating.

43:05 - Sooooo is Martin committing the murder next episode? Or is he just manipulating someone else to commit a murder? Either way - I’m excited.

If you read this far - I’m flattered. I also think you’re a little crazy. But thanks for hanging out.

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We Are A Family-Part 33

Title: We Are A Family. Pairings: Steve x tony, Peter x Wade, Nat x Clint, Sam x Bucky. Part: 33/? Warnings: swearing, fluff, angst, eventual smut, slowburn. Summary: When Nat comes into the avengers tower with baby Peter Parker, the avengers didn’t know what they were getting themselves into. But now that Peter is here,Steve and Tony both feel protective over him. It doesn’t help that Peter hates everyone other than Steve and tony. But as Steve and tony raise Peter, they start to fall for one another. Will this superfamily work out or will it all turn to hell?

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25, Part 26, Part 27, Part 28, Part 29, Part 30, Part 31, Part 32

Steve was angry, devastated, but mostly angry. At himself and at Tony. Why was it so easy for Tony to just move on? Was it because he got the extra years with Peter? Did he get his fill of Peter and decide that he didn’t need their son anymore? Steve knew it wasn’t fair for him to be bitter that Tony was around in the last couple years of Peter’s life, but he couldn’t help it. Tony was there and Steve wasn’t. and now it was Steve fighting for Peter, not Tony.

“Steve?” Natasha prompted and Steve snapped back to attention.

“Yeah?” he asked, but she was frowning. Her head tilted to the side and then she rolled her eyes.

“I still can’t believe you gave up on Tony, after everything.” Steve shook his head, that wasn’t fair.

“I didn’t give up on Tony.” Steve told her and she snorted.

“Right.”

“He gave up on me. and on Peter.”

“so that was the deal breaker huh, the very thing that brought the two of you together?”

“I don’t see Clint hanging around either.” Steve snapped and knew it was a low blow. He’d vanished and Steve knew that Natasha had been hunting him down. Halfheartedly, but Steve knew that she was just afraid of the man that she’d find.

“On the account that you and Tony just broke up and given the history, I’m going to let that one slide. Besides, they’re both not here for the same reason.”

“And what’s that Natasha?” Steve asked, crossing his arms.

“They’re scared that it won’t work and that they’ll have to face the disappointment of not bringing everyone back yet again.”

“And what about us? Don’t they think that we’re scared to?” Steve asked and she shrugged.

“When I first told you that I was doing this, you said you didn’t want Tony to know. You wanted to protect him from that disappointment, so don’t get shitty with me that you blabbed.” Natasha said and Steve sighed, he was being an ass and he knew that, but the idea of losing Tony was killing him. He wanted Peter back, and Tony and Steve didn’t understand why he couldn’t have both. Why was Tony making him choose?

Tony felt like the worst person on the fucking planet. The worst person in the fucking universe. God, how was he so selfish? His own fear of facing disappointment, was ruining the one good thing he had left in his life. Here was Steve, working tirelessly to bring back Peter, and Tony was being selfish. Yet, if it didn’t work-if they couldn’t figure it out, how the fuck would Tony survive that disappointment? It would be like Peter dying all over again. So he’d asked Steve to choose, in Tony’s head he thought Steve would just nod and that would be that. But Tony should have known his husband better than that, should have known the truth that was coming for him.

Steve didn’t quit.

Especially not when it came to their family. this whole time Steve had been fighting for it, he’d never given up on their little family. so why was Tony?

Four years later...

Steve stared down at his phone and was overcome with the overwhelming urge to call Tony. He just had to press down on the screen and the phone would dial. But Steve was afraid of rejection, of being told no by Tony. He was scared to tell Tony that he couldn’t give Tony what he wanted. All Steve could do would be to ask for forgiveness, for them to learn to get passed this.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” Steve’s brows furrowed and he shot up to his feet, his phone forgotten. He knew that voice, the man who that voice had vanished along with everyone else. Natasha pulled up a video clip and there was Scott, waving at the camera.

“is this an old message?” Steve asked as his heart leaped up into his throat. How was that possible? The only person who was still alive despite Thanos’ best efforts was Wade, and that was only because he rematerialized faster than the stones had been able to take him.

“No.” Natasha said and the phone fell from Steve’s hand and clattered against the floor.

“Let him in.” natasha pressed a button and Scott grinned, Steve took off so he could meet the man halfway.

The phone ringed and ringed and Tony’s heart was up in his throat. Finally it stopped ringing.

Ttony? Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine, I wanted to talk to you about that little girl, Morgan?” Tony asked and the therapist chuckled.

“So you’re going to go through with the adoption?” she asked and Tony began to pace around his little cabin.

“Yes, I think so.”

“That’s great news, her parents disappeared in the snap and she’s just been passed around from foster home to foster home.” Tony nodded, that was why Tony cared about this little girl so much. She was Pepper’s daughter, and if he’d known about her earlier-he would have adopted her sooner.

“So when can I get her?” Tony asked and the therapist laughed.

“Well I’ll have to make a few arrangements, you’ll have to sign some papers but I suspect that within the next couple days she’ll be all yours.” Tony grinned, feeling relieved.

“Excellent.”

“How the hell are you alive?” Steve asked and Scott shook his head.

“It’s a long story.” Steve couldn’t help but look around, hoping others would start to materialise out of thin air.

“Well how’d you do it? I need you to tell me every detail Scott, we need to bring the others back.” Scott shook his head, a sadness in his eyes.

“I didn’t go in the snap Steve, I was in the quantum realm.” Scott said and Steve shook his head.

“I don’t understand.”

“I didn’t come back from the dead.” Scott said and Steve shook his head, his brain couldn’t process that.

“No but you, you were gone and-“ Scott cut him off.

“I was in the quantum realm. I’d explain it to you but I doubt you’d actually hear anything I said and, are you okay?” Steve felt like he was being crushed by disappointment.

“I’m uh, fine. Just go talk to Nat.” he could feel her watchful eyes on his back, but Steve didn’t care. He needed a moment to process. To understand that once again, he didn’t have Peter.

“I spoke to my daughter Cassie and she told me everything, and while I didn’t die in the snap, I think I have a solution for it.” and there it was, a spark of hope that flickered to life in Steve’s chest. He whirled around, eyes wide and heart hammering.

“The stones were destroyed, we can’t use them to bring everyone back.” Scott nodded his head, but he didn’t look disappointed.

“Yeah I know, but that’s not my solution.” A new idea, Scott had an idea-a theory and it was the biggest breakthrough Steve had.

“And what is it that you’re suggesting?” Steve asked and Scott scratched the back of his head, suddenly seeming nervous.

“Time travel?”

Morgan was perfect in every way imaginable. She was adorable and sweet and so so smart and Tony fell in love with his little girl instantaneously. She stared up at the cabin with wide eyes and Tony’s heart leapt up into his throat. He would protect her at all costs.

“so I really get to live here?” she asked and Tony nodded his head.

“Yeah kiddo, you get to live here.” He murmured and she grinned her big toothy grin.

“Yay!” she began to run, dodging in and out of rooms and jumping up and down on pieces of furniture. Tony smiled and his mind flashed back to little baby Peter, who had run around in their new house in a similar manner. No, stop. Tony shook his head, wishing the memory away. He didn’t want to think of Peter and of all the sad memories that came with thoughts about Peter. God, what was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he move on? Why couldn’t he let go? Steve would love her, he’d adore Morgan-Tony just knew it. but he also knew that Steve would never forgive him for this. this would be a slap in Steve’s face, but Tony had done this for Pepper. So Pepper’s daughter could grow up feeling loved. This wasn’t to get back at Steve.

“Mr Stark?” she called and Tony followed the sound of her voice, she stood before the fireplace and was staring up at the pictures.

“Yeah Morgan?” Tony asked and she tilted her head.

“Who are they?” and she pointed at an old family photo. Back when things were good, Peter and Wade were twelve, and Steve hadn’t had his mind under Thanos’ control. Back when they’d all been alive and happy.

“Nobody important.” Tony said and she frowned.

“They look important.” Tony sighed, unsure on how to proceed.

“They’re just some people I knew.”

“Did something happen?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you see them anymore?” Tony’s eyes focused in on Steve’s face, smiling and happy. Not the haunted look he’d worn for the last year they’d been together.

“No.” There was a finality in Tony’s voice that stung, but it was the truth. He hadn’t spoken to Steve in years, and he only saw Wade a couple times a year. And Peter was gone, so Morgan would never meet him. Which really sucked because Tony just knew that Peter would be the best big brother. But Peter wasn’t here anymore, so Tony just picked up Morgan and carried her to her room.

Wade slumped down into a chair at the bar, his mind foggy.He hadn’t spoken to any of the Avengers-apart from Tony-since they’d failed to bring everyone back. He’d dropped off the map, unable to look at Steve or any of the others, it was too painful. He still saw Tony though, a couple times every year. Just to check in with him, make sure he was doing alright-for Peter. Everything Wade did these days was for Peter, he tried to make the world a better place because the world had lost Peter and that was absolutely devastating. But when Wade wasn’t busy helping other people and being a good citizen of New York, he drank. A lot.

“Whiskey.” He said to the bartender who rose a brow.

“Do you want me to call you a cab buddy?” Wade sighed and shook his head.

“No, I’m fine.” He was about three drinks away from passing out, and he was so so desperate to pass out. The bartender set down the whiskey and Wade downed it in one large gulp. It burned his throat but he didn’t care. The world spun and he tapped the glass. The bartender hesitantly refilled it and then Wade tipped the amber liquid back.He was supposed to go visit Tony tomorrow, Wade was hoping he’d never wake up. Next thing he knew, he was sliding off his seat and body crashing to the floor.

“What are you doing?” Wade spun around and there was Peter, sitting on the bottom bunk in May’s apartment and scowling.

“Trying to see you.” Wade said and Peter shook his head.

“You can’t keep doing this Wade.” Peter snapped and Wade shrugged.

“it takes the edge off, seeing you.”

“I don’t care, you can’t waste your life away for me.” Peter said and crossed his arms. Wade wished he could touch Peter, wished he could hold him.

“Steve is still trying to figure out a way to bring you back.” Wade told him and Peter groaned.

“You both need to stop, I’m serious. He’s not allowed to keep this up, it’s been what-five years?” Wade nodded and Peter shook his head, mostly looking disappointed.

“it’s all we have Peter. Looking for a way to bring you and everyone back, it’s all that’s left.”

“No it isn’t. you could move on and be happy and and-“ he was panicking and Wade tried to go to him but was stopped by some invisible barrier. Peter shuddered and glared at Wade, but the room was getting blurrier. Peter was becoming translucent-Wade was waking up.

“Petey?” he asked and Peter spoke but Wade didn’t hear it. the real world came rushing back to him and Peter was gone.

Steve took a steadying breath as Natasha parked the car in Tony’s driveway.

“You alright?” she asked and Steve found himself nodding.

“Yeah, it’s just-what do I say?”

“Sorry?” She suggested and Steve snorted. Like that would make up for it.

“This is going to work Steve, but only if we have Tony’s brain to help us.” She murmured and Steve sighed.

“What if he says no?”

“Then we figure out a way to persuade him.” Steve got out of the car and saw a little girl with brown hair and a tutu running around.

“Who’s that?” Steve asked and Natasha frowned.

“I don’t know.” Steve spotted Wade, chasing the little girl and both Wade and the girl fell silent and stopped once they had spotted Steve.

“Steve?” Wade’s brows rose and Steve forced a smile.

“Hey Wade.” And then Tony stepped outside, a smile on his face.

Tony stepped outside expecting to see Wade and Morgan playing, instead they were looking at the driveway. When Tony turned he saw Steve who was in a leather jacket and looking as gorgeous as ever. Once again Tony was overcome with all the love and desire he felt for the blonde man, who was forcing a smile and looked extremely uncomfortable.

“what are you doing here?” Tony asked and Steve’s blue eyes snapped to Tony. Tony saw his face soften and felt relieved to know that Steve was still in love with Tony.

“I need to talk to you about something.” Steve said and Tony heard nerves in his voice. For a second, Tony thought Steve was asking for another chance. A chance Tony would give in a heartbeat, but then he spotted Natasha and knew that that wasn’t what Steve was here for.

“What?” he asked and made his way to Morgan, scooping her up in his arms. Steve clenched his jaw at that, clearly putting two and two together.

Steve’s brain was short circuiting at the sight of Tony with what Steve presumed to be his daughter. She was adorable, and Tony’s face lit up when he looked at her. Steve wondered if there was someone else? Had Tony completely moved on? Found a new partner and adopted a new child, completely started life from scratch?

“We’ve got a lead.” Wade reacted first, a flinch and Tony stared at Steve.

“No.”

“Tony I need your help.” Steve pleaded and Tony shook his head.

“I told you once and I didn’t think that I’d need to repeat myself when I said that I didn’t want to be disappointed again. Steve you can’t just show up here and say you have a lead.”

“Think about Peter, I can’t do this without you.” Steve said and Tony shook his head.

“shouldn’t we let him rest in peace?” Tony asked and Steve shook his head.

“He shouldn’t have died and we can bring him back. I just need you to trust me, do you still trust me?” Steve’s voice shook with each word and he hated how desperate he sounded. Tony didn’t need Steve, but Steve needed Tony and that fact terrified him. But he couldn’t focus on that, he had the opportunity to bring back Peter, and he fully intended on taking advantage of that opportunity.

“Of course I still trust you Steve.” Tony said, and Steve smiled gently.

“Just hear us out, alright?” Steve asked and Tony nodded his head, his hair had gotten longer and Steve was filled with longing. It had been a long five years without him.

“alright.” And then Tony was leading them inside, and Steve’s heart filled with hope.

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erosjock · 3 years

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27 Ways to Get Over a Breakup, Like, Right Now

Going through a breakup is low-key the best time to rebrand yourself. You can be whoever you want to be, do whatever you want to do, and try anything you want to try without having to consider anyone but yourself.

But considering breakups = losing someone who was consistently in your life, it can be easy to dwell on the past instead of looking at what your future self can bring to the table. Completely understandable.

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So to help you cope with all things breakup (since, hi, your future best self is waiting), we’ve sourced a bunch of tangible, practical ways you can actually get over someone according to experts who want to help. Because yes, sometimes buying yourself flowers at the grocery store is a lil start.

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How You Get Over a Breakup, by Zodiac Sign

1. Shower daily. I know this seems small, but trust, it makes all the difference. “Prioritizing your hygiene and taking pride in how you look can often make you feel better inside,” says licensed clinical psychologist Kristie Norwood. So get yourself a morning and nighttime routine that requires a rinse in the shower. After all, shower thoughts are the best kind of thoughts, and it might be super therapeutic. Small wins are the best wins.

2. Create a vision board. Yup, it’s time to paint a badass picture of what your future is about to look like. (Time to get on that manifesting kick). “After breakups, it’s important to figure out what your life will look like without the relationship as it was,” says Norwood. So pick up some magazines—yes, full permission to grab some Cosmos— and cut out images that you put into art your life goals and desires.

3. Treat yourself to a new sex toy. Luckily for you, vibrators come completely drama-free (and in some cases, are better than the real deal). “Cleanse yourself of any negative energy through an orgasm,” says sex educator Yael Rosenstock Gonzalez. An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away (...that’s the saying, right?).

4. Go to therapy It’s time to make an appointment for therapy, suggests licensed clinical social worker Amalia Miralrío. Especially considering an unbiased perspective could offer you insight that you weren’t able to process yourself. Get started with some free options here.

Benefits of the No Contact Rule Post-Breakup

5. Buy yourself a big bouquet of pink roses. Put them in a vase, water them, and wait for them to wilt. When it’s time to throw them out, check in with your feelings. Guess what? By the time those roses die, you’ll already feel better. Then, keep buying yourself roses, recommends Veronica Yip, a San Diego resident who swears by this hack.

6. Visit a rage room. It’s…a legit thing. “Get out all your anger and smash objects to your heart’s content,” recommends Lauren Cook, who holds a master’s in marriage and family therapy.

7. Go on that vacation you’ve been dying to—even if it’s by yourself. “Getting away to an exotic location or somewhere peaceful is a potent source of distraction,” says therapist Rev. Sheri Heller. What’s better than lounging beachside with a good book, frozen drank, and the ocean waves? Talk about self-care.

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8. Rearrange your home. Get rid of all those bad memories. “A new look creates space for new memories. Out with the old, inviting the new,” recommends Krysta Monet creator and founder of The Feminine Truth.

9. Purge your relationship junk drawer. Yes, this includes that ticket stub you’ve kept from your first date. “You don’t need the reminders of a relationship that is no longer,” says Robyn Koenig, professional dating coach and CEO at Rare Find.

How Long It Actually Takes to Get Over a Breakup

10. Write hate mail to your ex. But don’t actually send it (and tell your sister not to either, à la Lara Jean). “The caveat is not to mail the letter but to do a ceremonial burning to get rid of the toxic energy,” recommends Samantha Gregory, author of No More Crumbs: How to Stop Dating for Crumbs and Get the Cake You Finally Deserve.

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11. Say yes to everything. “This is especially useful if you’ve been in a long-term relationship where you’ve compromised and negotiated what you ate, where you went, what you watched, and who you socialized with,” says Trish McDermott, CEO of Meetopolis Dating. “Who are you and what makes just *you* happy? Now is the time to find out.”

12. Eat alone. Whether you take yourself out to your favorite Thai place or make a home-cooked dinner, sit at the table and eat in silence. “Becoming comfortable with newly found silence is part of the recovery process,” says Megan Cannon, owner of Back to Balance Counseling.

13. Sign up for a boxing class—or any other type of fighting class. “Sometimes you need to find an outlet to divert the negative energies you get after a breakup,” says Celia Schweyer, dating and relationship expert at DatingScout. Trust, punching the eff out of something will *def* help with this added stress.

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14. Block them from your Instagram/Snapchat. If the temptation to see if they’ve been paying attention to your Stories is too much, just block them. This way, when you do start to get out there and share your day-to-day activities again, you’ll know there’s zero part of you that’s performatively “acting over it” in the hopes your ex will see it.

15. Don’t shit-talk your ex too much. Sure, it feels good to trash-talk your ex with your besties, and hearing that you were better than them from the start feels like a drug, but don’t rely on it. Hearing your friends bring down someone who made you feel shitty feels like it should be justified in the grand karmic scheme of things, but your health and happiness need not be contingent on someone else’s pain and suffering.

16. Don’t immediately suggest to “stay friends”—and if they do, tell them you need to think about it. This is an impulse because you don’t want to seem like you care too much about the breakup. Because you’re so chill. You’re so chill that your heart isn’t beating. Aaand, you’re dead. But truthfully, during this stilted, awkward breaking-up period, it’s hard to tell whether you’ll be able to be friends. Generally, one person wants to be friends and the other wants to be more. Gotta work that shit out before it can be a healthy friendship…if it ever can be. You’re not admitting defeat by not staying friends with them.

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ohblackdiamond · 4 years

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little t&a (paul/gene, nc-17) (part 9 of 29)

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 part 9 part 10 part 11 part 12 part 13 part 14 part 15 part 16 part 17 part 18 part 19 part 20 part 21 part 22 part 23 part 24 part 25 part 26 part 27 part 28 part 29

Four weeks before KISS gets back on tour, Gene discovers that Paul’s been cursed by a groupie. For the sake of KISS’ finances, Paul’s comfort levels, and Gene’s libido, this crisis must be resolved. Sexswap fic. In this chapter: Gene and Paul have doughnuts in the morning after, and Paul finally checks his answering machine.

Gene woke up late the next morning to Paul’s head resting against his chest. Paul’s right hand was dipped underneath his boxers again in his sleep—Gene bit back a rueful grin at that, getting up out of bed as carefully as possible, trying not to wake him up. He got dressed—on top of the CBGB attire, he’d bought a regular pair of jeans and a collared shirt at the boutique, among a few other things—and left the room, digging around the main area of Paul’s house until he found the phone book. From there, he dialed a bakery. They didn’t deliver, of course—but they would for Gene Simmons.

Less than half an hour later, he returned to Paul’s bedroom with a white paper box and a glass of milk.

“Morning, Paul.”

Paul grunted a bit, kicking off the covers.

“Morning.”

“Don’t get up. I got you breakfast in bed.”

“You—” Paul started, then shook his head, reaching over the bed for his wallet on the nightstand. His shirt hiked up with the movement, exposing one bare hip and a few small moles. The boxers, as always, were barely hanging on. Might’ve held up a little better if the drawstrings weren’t untied. “Lemme pay you back. You’ve been buying all my meals lately.”

“Don’t say that until you open the box.”

Paul did. There were only four regular glazed doughnuts left. Sprinkles and scrapes of chocolate against the corners and bottom of the box were the only intimations of the rest.

“Gene! Did you—were there twelve in—”

“Were is past tense.”

“Gene!”

“It’ll be fine. We’ll be back on tour in a few weeks. I’ll lose all that weight jumping around onstage.”

“If you don’t gain even more,” Paul grumbled, eying Gene up and down, shaking his head. He hadn’t gotten out of bed, as requested. He reached for the box and set it on his lap, taking a doughnut and carefully leaning over the open box as he ate it, to keep any bits of sugar off the covers. Gene climbed into bed beside him. “You… you really think we’ll be back?”

“We’ll be back.”

“But what about that groupie?”

Gene reached over for a ninth doughnut. Paul swatted his hand away irritably.

“Easy. We’ll call up Studio 54 beforehand. Have the owner tell all the doormen to be on the lookout for her, give them her name and description. We tell them to get her straight to the VIP lounge as soon as they see her, because Paul Stanley wants her.”

“That makes me sound like a creep.” Paul dragged a finger down the inside edge of the box, gathering up the chocolate on his finger. He licked it off absentmindedly. “And then the doorman tries to take her directly to me, only he can’t find me because he’s not looking for—"

“Okay, how about this, we say you and I want her, but you’re too shy, so if they’ll just take her to me instead, that’ll be perfect.”

“Too shy, my ass,” Paul snorted. “Gene, you’re the one that won’t do threesomes.”

“You all act like it’s a badge of shame.”

“It kind of is.” Paul took the last bite of his doughnut, and reached for another. “You take six or seven up to your room and you only make it with one of them at a time.”

“Who told you that?”

“Peter.”

“How would he know?”

Paul shrugged.

“He said you invited him up once. He thought you were trying to, y’know, offer up an orgy, and—”

Gene could feel his face start to flush.

“He’s making shit up. I was just trying to hide him from Lydia. He grabbed a girl and spent the whole time in the bathroom’s Jacuzzi.”

“Uh-huh.” Paul’s eyes were gleaming a little. “Why don’t you, though?”

“Why don’t I what?”

“Have orgies. Or threesomes. Whatever.”

“It’s too impersonal.”

“Too impersonal? I thought you were just too square.”

“I’m not square, it’s just a preference,” Gene protested, but Paul didn’t seem like he’d let it go, not unless he turned it on him. “Well, why do you do it?”

“I don’t. I’ve never done an orgy.”

“Really?” Gene tilted his head. That jarred feeling was back, the same one he’d gotten when they’d been in the car and Paul had casually thrown out Warhol’s name. The same one he’d gotten when Paul had tried to come on to that bartender. There was just… just such a disturbing disconnect between the sight and sound of the chick sitting next to him on the bed, and the knowledge of who she actually was. A girl that didn’t act or talk much like a girl at all, one on one—well, why the hell should he? Paul’d said it last night; he wasn’t actually a chick. Not in any way but physical. It was like sticking a Mr. Goodbar in a Hershey’s wrapper, except… no, no, that… that wasn’t quite it, either.

Gene wasn’t really getting rattled. Not over Paul. Not even if he had gotten Paul off the night before. Actually felt him clench up against his hand, felt his whole body just tighten up those seconds before release. Paul’s legs writhing and shifting against the mattress with every movement of his hand, those sharp, high sounds and rambling curses as he got closer and closer—someone, maybe Sweet Connie, maybe Peter, had told him one that Paul screamed through sex like he thought it was a private concert, and he’d never quite believed it, not until he’d heard him.

Last night shouldn’t have been as good as it was. He hadn’t seen a damn thing in the dark. He hadn’t even gotten off. It ought to have felt like a wasted night, or at the very least, like he’d only done Paul a favor. But—it didn’t. It didn’t feel like that at all. Paul had seemed to fit against him, soft and warm. There was something vulnerable to him, something that had been there as long as Gene had known him and probably longer. Something he’d never been close enough to touch before.

He'd touched plenty last night, he thought dryly. He didn’t need to kid himself into feeling like he needed more. Paul was still looking at him, dark moppetish eyes fixed on his face. What had Paul even been talking about? Orgies. He’d been sitting on the bed, eating doughnuts, and talking about fucking orgies.

“I thought you’d like having a bigger audience.”

“God, no. Orgies are too much pressure, unless you’re high off your ass.” Paul pushed back his hair with his free hand. He was making steadier progress on the doughnuts than Gene had really expected out of him. The second was more than halfway gone already. “But threesomes… threesomes are nice.”

Gene rolled his eyes. Paul didn’t seem to notice, poking another bite of the doughnut into his mouth, chewing and swallowing before he continued. There were bits of icing sugar smeared on his face.

“Back when me and Peter’d share a room, early on… we’d be lucky to bring one girl back after the show. If we had a threesome, we wouldn’t fight over her.” Paul laughed. “And she’d think she was getting the real rockstar experience. It sounds stupid, but it worked. I kind of think that…”

“What?”

“It gets you to let your guard down, I dunno. Or it used to. You never let me talk about it before.”

“You didn’t have tits before.”

“Is that it?”

Instead of answering, Gene tried again for another doughnut. Paul batted his hand back in response, but this time, Gene touched his wrist. Paul didn’t pull his hand away, just looked at him, almost expectantly.

“Gene?”

“You’ve got icing on your face.”

“Oh.” Paul wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. “Did I get it?”

“No.”

“Now?”

Gene shook his head and leaned in, just to see what he’d do. Paul, less oblivious than Gene had hoped, just stuck the remainder of the doughnut in Gene’s open mouth.

Paul spent some time later that morning playing his answering machine messages. He’d exhausted the tape over the last week of not picking up the phone, apparently. He didn’t ask Gene to leave when he played the messages, which surprised him, just let the tape keep running while Gene finished off the milk. The box of doughnuts ended up on top of the dresser as Paul made up the bed. Gene watched him do it, leaning up against the wall.

His own messages. Bill’s. Sean’s. A couple from Peter, one from Ace, a couple from various promoters. One from Paul’s therapist. Paul didn’t really react with anything but resignation to the whole slew, not until a little girl’s voice piped in from the machine.

“Hi, Paul! This is Ericka!”

Paul’s head jerked up, and he stopped making up the bed, hand frozen on the sheet. The message continued.

“I got the souvenirs you sent! And the letter! Honey says you’re supposed to come visit before you go on tour!”

“Honey?” Gene asked, but Paul didn’t respond. He was staring at the answering machine.

“I wish you could visit more. I tell everybody at school you’re my brother, but they always say I’m lying. We should take pictures! Could you take pictures with me and the makeup? Then… then I’d have proof!” A pause. “I have to eat dinner now. I love you! Call me back!”

Paul stopped the machine after the click of the receiver.

“Honey’s my dad,” he said finally. “It’s what my mom calls him, so I guess it stuck.”

“Ericka thinks you’re her brother?”

“Yeah. She doesn’t know about Julia.” Paul’s tongue was peeking out from beneath his pursed lips. His jaw was tensed and tight. “Some of the assholes doing our publicity wanna let that story out. Use a seven-year-old kid to make me out to be some big hero of an uncle. All I do is pay her private school tuition and visit three times a year.”

“Paul—”

“I don’t want that for her. I don’t want her finding out like that.” He straightened the sheet and started on the comforter on top of it next, pulling it back into place. “Julia just… well, you remember. She dumped Ericka on my parents like… like she didn’t give a fuck.”

Gene did remember, vaguely. He remembered Paul rambling about the baby, rambling about how his dad was on the warpath with him, threatening to throw him out of the house if he dared knock a girl up. He remembered telling Paul not to get worked up over it. Paul had said something acrid (“please, your mom wouldn’t kick you out if you assassinated Nixon”) and that had been the end of it.

He hadn’t really thought about Paul’s family over the last three days. He’d thought about KISS and, of course, he’d thought about Paul, but he hadn’t considered much past that. A little shame was tugging in from somewhere in his gut. Paul would lose out on a lot more than his money if he stayed like this. He’d lose out on his relationship with his niece.

“You care about her. Your parents care about her. That’s what matters.” Gene paused. “She’s wanted. She knows that.”

“Yeah.” Paul looked away. “I’ll write her a letter.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Gene, I’m not gonna go quiet on her. That poor kid’s been waiting for months just to—”

“You won’t have to go quiet on her.” Gene moved from his spot against the wall, reaching over and retrieving a pillow from the floor. Guilt was propelling him to do things he’d never bothered with in his life. Up to and including helping make up the bed. “Tonight’s the night we get you back to normal.”

“That’s what we were hoping yesterday.”

“This time yesterday, we only had a description. Right now we’ve got her name and the nightclub.”

“Gene, there’s—there’s just no guarantee—I… I’ve gotta be realistic here.” Paul picked at his t-shirt. “Maybe we get her today, or tomorrow, or next week. Maybe we don’t. But I can’t keep setting myself up every day like… like some kid waiting on a package. It’s too much disappointment.”

A thought occurred to Gene, out of nowhere. It was so stupid, so appallingly obvious, that he almost didn’t want to give it voice. He put the pillow on the bed, then reached over, tugging Paul’s sleeve. Paul turned around to face him, slowly.

“Paul, listen. Why do you think Carol’s started to go to Studio 54?”

“Because she’s a groupie. Because that’s where the biggest names are.”

Gene stuck a finger against Paul’s mouth on weird impulse. His lips were dry and slightly chapped. Paul looked a little startled, but he didn't flush or back off.

“Wrong. She’s there because she thinks you’ll be there.”

Paul flicked Gene’s finger away.

“That’s a gamble.”

“It’s a damn good gamble. What do you bet she doesn’t even know if what she did worked? You’ve got to think—what does she know about you, really?”

“She knows I had a seven-inch—”

“She knows you like nightclubs and discotheques. Those are the only places outside of a concert she’d ever see you.”

“Mary-Anne asked if it worked.” Paul said it slowly. Realization was dawning on his face, immediate as an onstage spotlight. “Remember? She knew Carol had done something to me. I don’t think she knew what, but—"

“Exactly.”

“Carol wants to see me.”

“Yeah.”

“Not half as much as I wanna see her.” Paul grabbed the phone, handing it to Gene, then scrambled around in the nightstand.

“What are you looking for?”

“My address book.”

“Who am I calling here?”

“Steve Rubell. The guy that owns Studio 54.” Paul was yanking everything from spare film canisters to pocket dictionaries to a couple tubes of K-Y jelly out of the nightstand in a bid for his address book. “Tell him I don’t care if she’s on Neil Diamond’s arm when she comes in. Tell him—just like you said earlier. Tell him you and me both want her in the VIP lounge tonight.”

#kiss the band #kiss fanfiction #paul stanley #gene simmons #gene simmons x paul stanley

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whiskynottea · 6 years

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An interruption in the 1st law of thermodynamics.

Previously, Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Chapter 33 Chapter 34 Chapter 35 Chapter 36 Chapter 37

AO3

A huge thank you to my amazing beta @theministerskat, for putting up with me and for making this story better!

Chapter 38. A Birthday Cake

I always imagined my 18th birthday as a super special day. It would be the beginning of my adult life, and needed to be celebrated accordingly. Not by throwing a huge party, not necessarily, but by doing something that I would remember forever. Something like what Jamie did for my 17th birthday. Now that would be a difficult day to surpass.

Jamie, however, was not of the same opinion when it came to his own 18th birthday. It was the coming Saturday, just five days away, and he told me it was just another birthday to him. The only thing he’d asked for was to spend it with me, and maybe hang out with Jenny and Ian too.

“So, you don’t want a party?” I asked him for what felt like the millionth time. “Are you sure?”

“Aye, Sassenach,” he answered, rolling his eyes skywards, and pulled me closer for a kiss. “I dinna need a bunch of people. I only have the one person in my mind that I want to spend it with, and she’s more than enough.” He gave me a cheeky smile and leaned in for another kiss.

“Okay, then,” I said, perfectly happy with the kiss but somewhat disappointed about the party. I wanted to do something special for him, like he had done for me. And mine hadn’t even been my 18th birthday.

Later that day during the lunch break, I ran to the cafeteria, hoping to find Jenny alone and discuss my plans for Jamie’s special day. However, my redhead arrived just after I did, taking the empty seat next to me.

Great. Can’t a girl organize a surprise party at this school?

I whispered a “Later,” at Jenny’s puzzled look and focused on my food. I ate faster than ever, earning a surprised look from Jamie, and picked up my tray in hands, ready to leave.

“I have to meet Mrs. Fitz, see you later!” I said with a quick kiss to Jamie, then turned towards Jenny, whispering, “Meet me in the library.”

Five minutes later Jenny entered the quiet library. Everyone was in the cafeteria apart from two guys at the far end wearing earplugs, so I rushed into the subject hoping we wouldn’t be interrupted.

“I wanted to talk to you about Jamie’s birthday. I talked to him and he said he doesn’t want a party. What’s the plan? What are we doing?”

Jenny’s face changed abruptly, and she gave me a wistful smile. “Aye, of course he doesna want a party. I hoped this year would be different, since he has you, but apparently it isna.”

“What?” I asked, confused. This was not what I expected to hear. “What do you mean?”

“Jamie hasn’t had a birthday party since he was a wee lad. It’s…” Jenny took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then continued, “Our mom and little brother were killed in a car accident, on their way to pick up Jamie’s birthday cake.” My eyes almost popped out of their sockets, but I didn’t speak, sensing she had more to say. Jenny crossed her arms in front of her chest, fingers digging into the soft flesh over her biceps. Her gaze was far away when she spoke again, eyes glinting with unshed tears. “She usually made the cake herself, she was a fine baker. But on his 8th birthday Jamie had repetitively asked for a 3D WALL.E cake. Mom couldna do it by herself, so she ordered it from a shop in Inverness. We lost them both, mom and wee Rob, that afternoon, and Jamie never wanted to celebrate his birthday again.”

I stood there shocked, looking at Jenny, feeling my heart breaking in my chest. “He never told me… I mean, I knew that your mom… But not how…”

“Aye, he blamed himself, he still does. Twasna his fault, and sometimes I just wish we could open his thick head and pluck out that stupid thought.”

“But we can’t,” I said, still lost, but trying to think how I could help him. He hadn’t even told me… “Jenny,” she looked back at me, once again composed. “He asked me if we could spend the day together, and maybe hang out with you guys.”

“Did he now?” she raised both eyebrows. “That’s an improvement. He usually spends the day all by himself and hardly accepts any well wishes.”

I nodded, more hopeful now, thinking I could take it a step further. “So we can gather up at your place, right?” I saw Jenny nodding and I continued. “I’m thinking of making him a birthday cake.”

Jenny pressed her lips into a thin line and shook her head in disagreement. “Claire, I dinna think that’s a good idea.”

“Homemade. With love. It’s not like we’re throwing a huge surprise party full of casual acquaintances, it’ll only be only the four of us. And Murtagh,” I added Jamie’s uncle as an afterthought. “He has to accept that we love him and we care. What kind of punishment lasts 10 years?”

“I dinna ken…” Jenny said, the frown on her face carving deep lines into her forehead. “If we lose him again?” she asked, and before I could ask what that meant she continued. “He didna talk to anybody for about six months after the accident. Not a single word. Not even to the therapist.”

“But he was eight years old, he’s eighteen now. He has to confront his guilt at some point. What’s a better opportunity than his birthday, having all the people who love him around? You know, to face his fears.” I emphasized each argument, feeling that they were as much for Jenny as for me. “I don’t know…” I began to doubt myself.

“Aye, me neither.” Jenny bit her lip hard, exhaling loudly.

We left the library with shadowed faces, both of us deep in thought. I didn’t know if Jenny was thinking back to that day, to the party that turned into a funeral. I was thinking of it, of the boy who expected his mother back at any moment, the sister who kept teasing him about her last birthday cake being better because it had strawberries in it, the father who picked up the phone and heard the cold voice of a stranger announcing that his wife and son wouldn’t be coming home. Loss, knocking on their door when they least expected it.

But do we ever expect loss?

I knew I hadn’t expected my parents to never come back home from their weekend anniversary trip. And yet, they hadn’t. I’d been sure that I would listen to the doorbell at any moment and my parents would wait for me behind the heavy wooden door, with the doll they’d promised me and the hugs I’d missed - but the doorbell never rung. What had rung was Lamb’s phone, interrupting my narration about the elephant and the mouse, and moments later, Lamb was trying to steady himself with a hand on the kitchen table. Phone calls, changing our lives forever.

The more I thought about it, the more certain I was that I needed to help Jamie forgive himself. He had to accept the fact that life is cruel sometimes and it’s no one’s fault. Certainly not his. He had been just a little boy who wanted a special cake for his birthday.

I was lucky enough to leave school alone, or else Jamie would have seen on my face that something was wrong. Still, he texted me once he finished training, asking if I was alright.

Damn his sixth sense.

I texted him back, a message full of emojis and exclamation points, trying to convince him everything was perfectly alright.

That night I lay in my bed, thinking about Jamie’s birthday over and over again, while texting him about the irrelevant details of my day.

Sassenach: We had chicken for dinner, too!

I sent the message, my mind far away from my dinner with Lamb.

Will he be mad at me, when he’ll realize I pushed him so much, knowing what this meant for him?

Another text from Jamie, quoting me saying that I didn’t like chicken.

Sassenach: I know, but Lamb is really good at it! An Indian recipe I think.

And back to my thoughts again.

Should I do a WALL.E themed cake, to give him what he never got as a boy? Will that bring back only bad memories?

Another text. Jamie seemed pretty invested in my uncle’s tikka masala recipe.

Sassenach: Pretty sure it had turmeric in it. It helps the memory, did you know that?

I sent the message and winced.

What if he wants to delete those memories? Should I just listen to Jenny and be content with the fact that Jamie won’t lock himself in his room this year?

I was still waiting for Jamie’s reply, when his sister’s name popped up in my notifications.

Jenny: Someone has to shake him out of this stupid guilt loop. Let’s do it Claire.

And then another one.

Jenny: Do you know how to make a cake?

Well, the truth was that I didn’t. I had never baked anything in my life, but there is a first time for everything.

I would make his birthday cake. I was on a mission.

The next day I started my search for recipes, thanking Brin and Page for inventing Google. I needed something easy, preferably with almonds and cherries. Not more than two layers, because a cake falling-apart would make no one feel better. Not a super fancy frosting either. Definitely not sugarpaste - I hated sugarpaste. At last, I ended up with a couple of recipes that seemed relatively easy and tasty, and chose the one with the prettiest picture - hoping mine would look the same, even though I knew it wouldn’t.

That Friday night I asked Lamb if we could cancel our usual dinner out, and stationed myself in the kitchen.

It took me an hour and a half of mixing and waiting expectantly in front of the oven, only to end up with a flat, uneven cake that looked like a total disaster. After more google searching, I learned I wasn’t supposed to overmix the batter after I’d added the flour.

Had I overmixed it? Was that when I went to my room for a quick call with Jamie?

Cursing and hissing, I started over, paying more attention to the recipe now. However, I did give myself a little pat on the back for buying double amounts of all the ingredients.

Another hour and a half later, I had a perfect almond cake cooling on the rack. I took a deep breath and proceeded with the filling. I’d opted for a simple, classic buttercream with cherries. The swiss meringue buttercream sounded delicious, but I didn’t trust myself with those egg whites. Having already ruined the cake once, I felt like the increased risk wouldn’t pay off in the end.

It took me another hour to finish with the filling and assemble the cake. God, baking was exhausting. Finally, I sat at the kitchen table, admiring the product of my labor. It didn’t look like the picture I had seen, but it was beautiful. One final touch, and it would be complete.

I took the piping bag, filled it with dark blue buttercream and tried to keep my hand steady.

Just keep swimming.

We love you.

It was from Finding Nemo, not WALL.E, and it was perfect. Both figurative and literal. No one would ever call it calligraphy, but it was legible. The final ‘you’ was a little smaller because I accidentally made the ‘love’ bigger. I thought of fixing the second line and rewriting it, but I wasn’t sure if the first layer would show through or not. Plus, I was exhausted.

I set the cake in the fridge and walked straight to my room. It was a quarter to twelve, and I knew that Jamie would be asleep already, but I wanted to stay up until midnight to be the first to wish him a happy birthday. The second after I sent the message, I fell into bed and slept, dreaming of runny frostings and crooked letters.

Jamie’s text woke me the next morning, much earlier than I would have liked. I called him back, singing the sleepiest rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ and taking in his laughter like it was an espresso shot.

Jamie had no idea about the cake. All he knew was that we’d meet after his training, we’d buy to-go coffee and we’d walk to our favorite place – Calton Hill. And this was exactly what we did.

Jamie was happy, and I felt my heart fill every time his laughter echoed in my ears. We sat at our spot and I gave him his gift, the one he’d been asking for from the first moment he saw me caring the bag. He took the wrapped box in his hands and looked at me with a broad, childish grin that made me think of the little boy waiting for his mother to return home with his cake. I swallowed hard and blinked back tears, grateful that Jamie was too distracted with the colorful packaging to notice me.

“What is it, Sassenach?” he asked, eyes fixed on the box.

“You might as well open it and find out,” I smiled at him, hoping he’d like it. I had been looking for his gift for almost a month.

Jamie tore open the wrapping paper and stared at the box. “Ultra Fast-Dry Travel and Sports Towel,” he murmured.

“Lightweight and compact, an essential gear for swimmers!” I chimed in as if I were in a television advertisement.

Jamie flashed me a huge smile and leaned in to kiss me, the box blocking us from getting too close.

“Do you like it?” I whispered the moment my lips were free again.

“I love it, Sassenach,” he answered, setting the box to the side to pull me into his arms.

We kissed for a long while, before Jamie opened the box to inspect just how soft his towel was. “Now I’ll have something from ye when I’m at the pool as well,” he said, making my stomach flutter with his cheesiness.

Jamie walked me home just before lunch, and we set our date for six o'clock in the evening. Before I walked in I turned to see him leaving, hoping that the evening’s celebration would go just as well as the morning’s.

–

At six o'clock, I balanced the cake in one hand and used the other to ring the doorbell at Murtagh’s apartment. I’d met Suzzette in front of the building and she’d let me in with a smile that said ‘Happy birthday to your boyfriend!’. I’d climbed up the stairs, had taken the cake out of its box and was now waiting at front door with a celebratory smile, hearing the commotion from inside the apartment, and then Jamie’s voice coming closer to the door. “Okay, okay, I’ll get it!”

The first thing I saw when he opened the door was his sweet smile freeze on his face.

That cost me two heartbeats. Skipped, lost forever.

I looked past him to find Jenny, Ian, and Murtagh in a semicircle of hope. They all looked back at me with encouraging nods and smiles. Taking that as a good omen, I turned my eyes back on Jamie. His smile had now disappeared, and a cold mask was over his face, hiding all his feelings.

“Happy birthday!” I said, trying to beat that blank stare, but it didn’t come out as happy as I hoped.

Jamie swallowed hard, his fingers drumming on his thigh almost as fast as my heart in my chest. He opened his mouth to speak and I held my breath, but no words came out.

“I made it myself,” I whispered with half a smile, trying not to cry on his doorstep with the cake still in my hands.

This was such a bad idea. Bad, bad, bad idea.

“Won’t ye invite the lass inside, Jamie?” Murtagh’s voice was stern and I wondered if he did it on purpose, to hide the worry in it.

Jamie didn’t say anything, just stepped aside to let me in.

I said a broken “Hello,” to the three gloomy figures in the living room and headed straight to the kitchen to avoid another uncomfortable silence.

I left the cake on the countertop, folded my arms in front of my chest, and focused on my breathing in a last attempt to keep the tears at bay. I heard a mumble of voices was from the living room, but I couldn’t discern any words. I didn’t know how much time had passed when I finally felt the tears roll down on my cheeks, disobeying every order given by my brain.

I went way too far. The gift and a quiet evening would have been enough. Now I’ve ruined it all.

“Claire,” Jamie’s voice was low as he walked across the kitchen to come behind me.

Without saying anything, he wrapped his arms around my waist, and buried his head in the crook of my neck. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s me that should be sorry,” I said, the tears flowing now out of control. It was as if his touch had broken the last part of the dam that stood upright until that moment. “I shouldn’t have done it. Jenny told me, I knew…”

“Aye, I ken. Dinna cry, mo chridhe.” I felt his own tears on my neck, but I wasn’t able to utter a single word. “I’m sorry I reacted that way.”

“I just…” I said, sobs interrupting my sentence. “I just wanted… Wanted to help.”

“I ken, Claire. Tis just not that easy.”

“I know, but it will never be easy.” Every time he called me by my name, I felt like he was twisting a small knife into my heart - but he had to realize that I knew, that I understood him. I took a breath and continued. “I wanted you to know that it’s okay to mourn your mother, but it isn’t okay to blame yourself for something that wasn’t your fault. It’s not fair.” I truly believed what I said, but I still felt that I trespassed on territory I shouldn’t set my foot on. “But I shouldn’t do that,” I continued, putting a hand on his arm. “I should maybe wait for you to be ready…”

“Sassenach,” he whispered, and sighed loudly. “I’ll never be ready. My Da and Jenny gave up a long while ago. Murtagh and Ian too, because I didna listen to them. But ye tried to overwrite the bad memories with good ones, aye? Ye’ve the devil’s own courage, Sassenach.”

“I tried and I failed. I just created more bad memories.”

“No, you didna. And it’s not ye who failed.” Jamie turned me around and cupped my face, brushing the tears away from my cheekbones. “I failed ye. Ye believed in me, but I didn’t… This is so bloody hard, Claire.”

It was my turn to kiss his tears away. “I know. I’m not saying that a cake will change it all, but I thought we could try. It was never your fault, Jamie. It wasn’t a cake or your birthday that took your mom away. It was an accident, life’s wicked game.”

Jamie nodded repeatedly. “It’s just that… If I hadna insisted on the fancy cake, she’d never have gone to Inverness, she’d never… “

I stopped him with a finger on his lips. “Jamie, you didn’t know. You couldn’t have known. There are millions of ‘what if’s’ in everything we do. You just don’t know what might have happened, and it’s time to stop punishing yourself. Your mom wouldn’t want you to carry this on your back.”

Jamie looked at me seriously, and I saw something change in his gaze. “No, she wouldna.” He closed his eyes for a moment, taking deep, full breaths. “I dinna promise ye anything, Sassenach, but I’ll try.” He kissed my forehead, murmuring against my skin, “Thank ye for being by my side.”

“I don’t want to be anywhere else,” I said, kissing his jaw, before I brought his face down to mine, tasting his lips. Our kiss was salty from our tears, but sweet with hope. “It’s with almond and cherries!” I said, nodding towards the cake.

Jamie looked at the cake and turned his blue glittering eyes back to me, smiling. “I’ll keep swimming,” he breathed. “Because you love me.”

I kissed him again, feeling his warmth permeating my skin, making me feel safe again, calming the screams in my mind that cried that I’d lost him.

“Are ye sure that ye willna poison us, Sassenach?” he asked with a teasing smile, and I pinched his side in response.

“You ungrateful -” His mouth swallowed the single word he knew that would follow.

“Scot,” he continued for me.

We took the cake and walked back to the living room, the stains from the tears on our cheeks ending up to curled up lips. Jenny placed eighteen colorful candles on the cake, and we all sang for Jamie. For a Happy Birthday, after ten sad ones.

When he blew the candles out, Murtagh took him in a tight embrace, saying in a broken voice that his mother would be proud of him. I smiled, glancing up to the ceiling, and I silently told Ellen that I was taking good care of her lad. A moment later I felt her daughter’s hand squeezing mine.

Chapter 39

#thermodynamics #The first law of thermodynamics #high school au #jamie x claire #outlander fanfic #outlander fanfiction

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howllscastle · 5 years

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50 questions tag

tagged by: @pinktea99

tagging: @renjungita @forehead-enthusiast @bitchendery @yanggerm @0hyja @midsummerenjun

hiding all the tea under the cut 🤠

1. what takes up too much of your time?

kpop,, so in turn tumblr and youtube also overthinking ,,, love that

2. what makes your day better?

talking to my friends, little pleasant surprises, when my cat does something cute

3. what’s the best thing that happened to you today?

honestly idk,,, today has blended together into nothingness but my fish just ate his food without being angry at me the whole time so that was nice

4. what fictional place would you like to go to?

hogwarts !!! its so pretty there and it would be so fun to learn all about magic and discover all the little hidden parts of the castle, lay with your friends by the great lake,,, ok i’ll stop now

5. are you good at giving advice?

i think it depends on the advice but i try to help as well as i can

6. do you have a mental illness?

social anxiety 😎 and possibly depression but i’m too scared to go see a therapist

7. have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

no and i’m thankful for that

8. what musician inspires you the most?

tbh taeyong

9. have you ever fallen in love?

with renjun 😍 ok i’m sorry but honestly i think i’ve only experienced rly intense /like/

10. what’s your dream date?

this is like specific but there’s a museum district near me and walking around there would be rly nice,,, just walking through the streets,,, visiting art galleries and museums,,, maybe going to the zoo,,, go into all the cool little stores,,, : (

11. what do others notice about you?

people who have met my dad ALWAYS say how i look like him but otherwise it’s probably my hair ? idk people seem to like curly hair

12. what’s an annoying habit you have?

picking at my lips omfg i need to STOP

13. do you still talk to your first love?

well not Love but yeah hdjdk

14. how many exes do you have?

just one 🤠

15. how many songs are in your playlist?

i have ,, lots of playlists but i have 721 saved songs,,,, more if u count songs in playlists i don’t have saved,,,

16. what instruments can you play?

uH zero but i could play a Mean xylophone in elementary music class

17. what do you have the most pictures of?

kpop idols,,,

18. where would you like to go before you die?

europe !! i want to travel around europe and visit as many countries as i can, also japan ! especially during cherry blossom season !

19. what’s your zodiac?

virgo sun, aqua moon, cap rising

20. do you relate to it?

for the most part i’d day yeah, i still don’t know /that/ much about astrology hdsjkd

21. what is happiness to you?

that feeling of standing in the sun for the first time in a while, feeling all warm inside doing the things that make you smile

22. are you going through anything right now?

hm yeah ,,

23. what’s the worst decision you ever made?

probably,, not putting in the effort to talk to my friends a lot this past year,,,

24. what’s your favorite store?

there’s this one local thrift store near me and uGH it’s amazing i’ve found great stuff there, and also this japanese convenience store called daiso i could spend all day in there

25. what’s your opinion about abortion?

i feel that women should have the choice whether they’re going to have one or not without being attacked by the other side for their decision

26. do you have a bucket list?

not rly djkhj

27. do you have a favorite album?

i have . many favorite albums, some include limitless by nct 127, hozier’s self titled album, and basically all of day6′s albums

28. what do you want for your birthday?

,, money but also i could always use more face masks and stationary

29. what are people’s first impressions of you?

that i never talk like,, ever 💀 which . is relatively true,, until i get to know you and get more comfortable

30. what age do you seem according to most people?

once a cashier asked if i was a freshman in college,,,, surprisingly lots of people think i’m older than i am, tho me and my mom did joke that i probably look like a 12 year old when driving and people might call cps on her ahhjksdhf

31. where do you keep your phone while sleeping?

on my nightstand which is literally like . 1 foot from my face

32. what word do you say the most?

like,, um ,, what ,, so

33. what’s the oldest age you would date?

that’s kinda hard to answer since i’m still so young ,,, but at the moment maybe 19 ??

34. what’s the youngest you would date?

again ,,, kinda hard but at the moment,,, probably 16 but as i get older i’d be more comfortable with a bigger gap

35. what job/career do most people say would suit you?

lot’s of people say artist,, my parents think i’d make a good baker and jokingly they also say lawyer bc i argue so much hjskdh

36. what’s your favorite music genre?

well ,, kpop but that’s like 500 genres all in one,,, i also rly like indie/alternative the occasional pop and pop rock thrown in there

37. if you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

england ! i’ve a l w a y s wanted to live there omg, or italy !

38. what is your current favorite song?

two i’ve been listening to on repeat lately are take off by wayv and lips on lips by tiffany young

39. how long have you had this blog for?

this one,,, only like 3 months but my previous blog was like ,, a few years old

40. what are you excited for?

our up coming vacation(s) !!! one might not happen but the other is and i’m !!! also my mom wants to “do something fun” this week (we were supposed to go on one of those vacations this week sO) and i’m excited for going out and doing ,, whatever it is we come up with

41. are you a better talker or listener?

oh listener definitely, i’m so bad at talking about my feelings out loud

42. what was the last productive thing you did?

i did some laundry,,, also worked on summer school earlier today

43. what do you want for christmas?

same as my birthday but i also just remembered ,, a switch !! i’ve wanted one for so long ,,

44. what class do you get the best grades in?

usually history and german (hallo yangyang,,) also did amazing in bio freshman year let’s hope that carries over to ap bio next year

45. on a scale of 1-10 how do you feel right now?

i’d say ,, a 7 which is wack usually it’s lower

46. what can you see yourself doing in ten years?

hopefully have a good stable job,, a good relationship,,, be healthy mentally and physically ,,,

47. when did you get your first heartbreak?

can losing a friend count as a heartbreak ,,, bc if so ,,, a few years ago

48. at what age do you want to get married?

i have absolutely no idea ahhjksdh

49. what career did you want to have as a child?

i wanted to be a vet soooo badly but now i can barely handle the sight of blood so,,, sorry 8 year old ally

50. what do you crave right now?

honestly ,,, to just go out and do something,,,, i’ve been stuck in the house since friday

#this was so . long .#but i'm like hype rn it was fun typing all this out hdskjh #i rly talk too much i'm sorry #tag game #and feel free to not do this at all

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travelingtheusa · 4 years

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NEW YORK - I had saved my NY postings so here they are. The rest are lost.

29 Aug 2020 (Sat) – We went to church today to attend a memorial service for June Wertz, a friend of ours. Her husband, Bob, invited us to join their travel club some years ago. One of the members of their club had passed away just before the small group was going to camp out at Wildwood State Park. They invited us to take his camping spot. During the 8-10 years we camped with them, it was always on Long Island. The members were all up in years and didn’t go off-Island to camp. It was a fun group and I wish we could have known them in their younger, traveling days. At any rate, we certainly enjoyed the time we spent with Bob & June and the rest of them.

Miranda and Kenny had a serious incident yesterday. They were at KFC when they noticed smoke coming from the engine. They popped the hood, looked around, and opened the radiator cap. Both of them were scalded, Kenny pretty badly. They are monitoring his condition to determine whether his burns are bad enough to seek medical help.

28 Aug 2020 (Fri) – I drove to Ronkonkoma to visit with my cousin, Claude, today. He has been experiencing medical issues for a while now. He has gone from 220 lbs. to 175 lbs. He is looking old and sick. I fear for his well-being. I visited for about an hour then the nurse came in to see him so I left.

Paul spent the day repairing the steps to the back deck. He poured some concrete at the base a few days ago and had Caiden put his name, date, and footprint in it.

27 Aug 2020 (Thu) – I drove out to Southampton today. It was almost an hour and a half drive. When I arrived for my 10:30 a.m. appointment, the receptionist told me I was scheduled for 11:30 a.m. The dentist didn’t get me in until almost 12 noon. I was seeing him for a consultation. He is an endodontist who specializes in root canals and oral surgery. He didn’t see anything that needs immediate attention. Furthermore, he said that he conforms to the recommendations of the American Dental Association and doesn’t believe that metal in the mouth or root canals are inherently bad. He suggested that I leave everything as it is unless I am in pain. It was a disappointing consult.

I stopped at CVS to pick up my prescriptions from the dermatologist, the neurologist to get copies of the test results for my records, and at Shop Rite for some groceries. I got home in time to put everything away and turn around to make my 4:00 p.m. appointment for physical therapy. That was also a somewhat disappointing experience. I was brought in, asked a bunch of questions by someone who said she was a physical therapist, and advised that I would get some exercises to do. Today’s appointment was just heat and stimulation. An aide put the electrodes on my foot and wrapped it in a hot towel. She said the therapist would be in to turn on the stim. After 15 minutes, I flagged down a passing therapist to see if she could find the gal that was supposed to turn my stim on. After 5 minutes, she came in and said she thought the aide would turn it on. They seemed very disorganized and uncommunicative. I am scheduled for physical therapy 3 days next week. We’ll see how that goes.

When I came out of the office, I crossed the street to pick up a few things at Best Market that I didn’t get at ShopRite. It was a full day of running around. Whew!

26 Aug 2020 (Wed) – I went to the dermatologist this morning. The oncologist told me that the chemo can cause skin cancer and to get a skin exam once a year. So, here I am at my one-year check. The exam went well and I was given a clean bill of health.

At 1:50 p.m. I went to see the orthopedist that I was referred to by the podiatrist. I have an interstitial tear in the Achilles heel fiber, not the tendon. There are three ways to handle it – by physical therapy, by surgery, or by an experimental program that takes your blood, mixes platelets with it then injects it in the injury site. Insurance will not cover the cost. I opted for physical therapy. He gave me a script and I made an appointment with a nearby therapist.

We went out for dinner to Texas Roadhouse. The food was good. We forgot our leftovers. That must happen at least half the time we plan to take leftovers home. Aaaarrgh!

25 Aug 2020 (Tue) – No doctors today! I ordered dulse flakes from Amazon. Travis called to ask for help. He was turned down for a rental because a credit report stated they had been late on their last 8 mortgage payments. This is incorrect. I went on the webpage and saw that their payments were on time. Samantha called Equifax to correct the report but was told they only reported what the mortgage company gave them. She called the mortgage company and was told Equifax had to correct the record. A big, fat bureaucratic run around!

I spent a good part of the day on the phone with the mortgage company trying to get a letter that simply stated that their payments have been on time all year. The last agent I spoke with told me they are restricted in free-form correspondence because of a contract they have with USAA. They can only send certain forms. He did offer to send a transaction record that showed all payments were made. Unfortunately, it does not say the payments were on time.

In the meantime, I was trying to get an appointment with the dentist and getting a refill for Paul for a medication. I finally landed an appointment with the dentist for Monday and the doctor’s office placed the refill order directly with CVS. I did get to finish burning one box of records. Only 5 more to go!

Travis called later and told me he offered to pay one year’s rent up front and was waiting for the rental agent’s reply. He’s got a job offer and the new boss said he would look into putting the money up until Travis sold the house. If he does that, Travis better give this guy 110%. He doesn’t know Travis from a stranger on the street and is willing to put up $23,000? We will see.

Miranda and Kenny went out tonight. I offered to watch Caiden so they could have a date night out somewhere. It isn't much but I’m sure they haven’t had a chance for private time since this whole COVID-thing started. Kenny’s mother and grandmother are keeping their distance and they have no other childcare set up.

24 Aug 2020 (Mon) – We went food shopping this morning. I did laundry in the house. At 1:45 p.m., I left for an appointment with the biological dentist in Manhasset. On the way there, the office called to say the dentist was running late and to come in at 4 p.m. So I detoured and stopped at Sherry’s Market in Babylon. I wanted to pick up some barley grass juice powder and dulse flakes. They did not have the dulse. The clerk said I might find it in Wild by Nature down the road in West Islip. So I drove down John Street and into the strip mall. They had dulse granules but no flakes. Not sure if that was OK, I didn’t buy it.

Finally, it was time to stop dawdling and drive to the dentist. I got there at 3:50 p.m. and called the office to let them know I was there. They told me to come right up. I didn’t wait 10 minutes (BIG difference from last visit) and was shown into the exam room. The first dentist, Dr. Golden, popped in while Dr. Blum was reviewing my 3D scan. They discussed my case and what they recommended I do. Then they sent the money gal in. She described the procedure they would use – do a root canal on two teeth and put in ceramic posts with a bridge. Giving me a discount on the bridge, it would only cost $12,000. I could buy a frickin’ car for that much money!!! I told her I would think about it and left.

I called my sister to see if I could get in to see her biological dentist. She gave me his number but the office was closed. I’ll have to call them tomorrow.

23 Aug 2020 (Sun) – We went to church this morning. Everyone is still wearing masks and the pews are roped off to keep people distanced from one another. After church, we gathered up most of the stuff we have been collecting for the yard sale and brought it back to the church. They are trying to have an outdoor thrift shop sale on the front lawn. We don’t know how that’s going to work. It was all clothes they had outside and anyone shopping would lift the clothes to look at them. Now they’ve been touched. What next?

At 3 p.m. we drove to our friend’s house, Bob. He used to be my brother’s father-in-law (before they got divorced). Bob managed an A&P store in the day and he catered many parties. Any time he’s making a meal, it’s worth going. He’s a great cook. He made ribs, roast potatoes, and corn on the cob. We had a very nice visit.

22 Aug 2020 (Sat) – We gathered up Caiden and drove to my sister’s house. Susan is celebrating her 65th birthday today. As expected, Caiden never wanted to get out of the pool. Our brothers, Dennis and Chris, also came to the party. We gave Denis some old baseball cards we found in the back room during our clearing out maneuvers. He seemed to be pleased with the gift (his birthday is next week). It was a fun day.

21 Aug 2020 (Fri) – We went to the Oconee Diner for lunch then took a ride to Target to get a few things. We picked up some clothes for Caiden and ourselves. After we returned home, we spent the rest of the day cleaning out the back room. I burned more military records. Thirty-one years of military history – GONE! Up in smoke! I was surprised to see that I had every pay record I ever got during my service.

20 Aug 2020 (Thu) – It was a confusing day at the cardiologist. First, Paul went to the office for a 9 a.m. appointment only to be turned away. They said he had an appointment at 3:45 and I had one at 2:30 p.m. When he got home and told me, I stated that the office had called yesterday and confirmed the 9 a.m. time. I also had my appointment time entered in my calendar as 2:15 p.m. Just as we were perplexing over these times, the doctor’s office called to say he was called to the hospital and they had to reschedule our appointments. We managed to get us in at 11:30 and 11:45 respectively. That ensured we got in together.

The doctor was prompt and entertaining. He checked us both over. Reviewed our bloodwork and tests and declared us in good health. My cholesterol is a little elevated so he wants to see me back in 3 months. If the numbers are still up, he will put me on a drug (he thinks).

We drove over to Travis & Sam’s tonight for dinner. Turned out we had to buy the dinner (surprise!). We stopped at Chili’s and picked up 6 meals then drove to Trap’s where we enjoyed our dinner together. Travis got a job offer at a construction company in North Carolina. They will also help them to get into a rental home. It sounds very good.

19 Aug 2020 (Wed) – I went to a biological dentist today to get an assessment of all the dental work in my mouth. I have been reading several books about alternative medicine. One book by Dr. Simon Yu states that disease is the result of 4 causes. The three top causes are dental problems, heavy metals, and parasites. It was 2 hours before the dentist came in to see me and we spent an hour talking about the research and alternatives. She sent me to get a 3D x-ray to see if there are any infections in my mouth. Although there was no “pathology,” she did identify 4 incomplete root canals. She recommended I see the surgeon in the office. I made an appointment for Monday.

On the way home, I stopped by Sherry’s Market, a health food store in Babylon. It was expensive!

18 Aug 2020 (Tue) – I went to the neurologist this morning to get all the electrodes disconnected. I tried to schedule a follow up visit with the doctor but his earliest appointment is October. How do you discuss what they found with all these tests?

I drove to East Islip to the podiatrist’s office to pick up a copy of the MRI report stating I have an interstitial tear in my right foot. The receptionist offered to call the radiology office to see if I could get a copy of the MRI pictures. Then I walked over to their office and got the disk.

Paul spent the day working around the yard. I spent the day burning files. I have so many military files to burn. How in the world did I get so many in my possession???

17 Aug 2020 (Mon) – I went to the neurologist this morning and was wired up for a 24-hour EEG. They attached 23 electrodes to my head and 3 to my chest. I have to wear a machine to register brain activity for 24 hours. All this just to reassure Paul that I am OK and can go hiking in the woods again.

When I got home, Paul went food shopping. I was NOT going out with all the wires hanging off my head. When he got back, we had lunch, then went to work on getting rid of old files and boxes. I have tons of old military books and material that has to be burned. It can’t just be thrown in the garbage. I sat in front of the fire pit for 2 hours and only got through 1 box. I have 5 more to go.

Ford called to say they replaced the fuel pump on the truck and everything seems to be alright. I took the rental car, drove Paul to Sayville Ford to drop him off, drove to Islip Airport to drop off the rental car where Paul picked me up and we drove back home.

16 Aug 2020 (Sun) – We borrowed Kenny’s truck and drove to church this morning. It rained all day. We spent most of the day inside watching TV or working on the computer.

15 Aug 2020 (Sat) – Spent the day working around the property. Kenny went to work at 4 and I went into the house to watch Caiden. He came out to the camper and had dinner with us, then we went back inside and I gave him a bath. We had a pillow fight and played with his transformers. He finally went to bed at 9 p.m. I think that is too late for a 6 year old but his parents are night owls and I guess he’s becoming one also.

14 Aug 2020 (Fri) – The tech from Sayville Ford called and said the diagnostics was telling him the truck needs a fuel pump. No amount of arguing that the last service station messed something up. We finally authorized the part. Maybe they can get to it on Monday. Ugh.

Miranda’s truck was finished at 4 p.m. Turned out to be the alternator. I was going to take the rental car since we have no vehicle but I let her take the truck to Philly given the cruddy condition of her truck. We weren’t sure it would make it there and back. It really is on its last legs.

We were supposed to ride out to Indian Island to join the Long Islanders for camping this weekend. Since we don’t have the truck to pull the camper, we will miss the campout. This was very disappointing.

13 Aug 2020 (Thu) – Miranda’s car suddenly gave up the ghost today. It was clicking, wouldn’t start, and all kind of diagnostic warnings were flashing on her dashboard. She was able to drop it off at the service station. This is really bad timing because she is preparing to go to Philly this weekend to coordinate a concert for her camp. We looked around and was able to reserve a rental car just in case the car isn’t back tomorrow.

Paul and I rode our bicycles to Best Buy this afternoon. It’s been giving me trouble and there’s some kind of program on there that we didn’t load in but keeps trying to update drivers. I had them take it off. They were very understaffed and the tech wasn’t really interested in working with me on anything else. I had wanted help in getting videos off the computer. I’ll have to wait until things get back to normal.

Paul took an Uber to the cardiologist this afternoon for a stress test. They injected him with something and then put him in an MRI machine. He said it was quick and easy.

12 Aug 2020 (Wed) – It was a quiet day all around. Paul picked up the truck. Not only was it making the humming noise, but the dashboard was lighting up like a Christmas tree! Low fuel pressure! Low engine pressure! The service station told us they couldn’t find anything wrong and the noise was gone. Boy, were they wrong. Paul called Sayville Ford and we were able to get it into the service bay today. Hope they didn’t break the engine. L

11 Aug 2020 (Tue) – I went to the radiologist today for an MRI of my right foot. We worked around the property, cleaning out old files and boxes. Sent out for pizza for dinner.

10 Aug 2020 (Mon) – Paul brought the truck back to the service station this morning. They kept the truck and dropped him off back at home. At 1 p.m. I went to the doctor for an echo cardiogram. I had to borrow Miranda’s car to get there and back.

We called the service station at 3:30 p.m. The tech told us that they had to call a friend at Ford to ask about the fuel pump. The guy told them they had to replace the entire assembly, not just the fuel pump. Paul was annoyed! I think we will have to make sure in the future that (1) only Ford does the work and, (2) that the mechanic is a certified diesel mechanic. Hopefully, we will get the truck back tomorrow. They were going to send out for the item, which will cost us over $400. This is after already being charged $170 to put the fuel pump on before they broke it.

9 Aug 2020 (Sun) – We went to church this morning. I think it was the most people we’ve seen there since we came back. Everyone is still wearing masks and there are seats roped off. Hand sanitizer stations have been set up around the building. They announce that the thrift shop will open for 2 hours on Sunday afternoon in an outdoor setting. That means folks attending the service will be asked to help bring things outside and set up, then take it back downstairs when done. I hope it works. The thrift shop is a major revenue source for the church and it has really been hurt with the closure.

After church, we went to the Clamside Bar & Grill at the East Islip Marina. The waitress was soooooo slow. Paul ordered Belgian waffles and they came out cold. My food was lukewarm. He sent his waffles back. The next service was also cool. Paul wound up not eating his meal. It was a disappointing experience and we probably won’t go back there for a while.

8 Aug 2020 (Sat) – We gathered up Caiden and drove to Sue & Bill’s for the day. The day started out overcast but the clouds soon cleared away and we had a delightful day in the pool.

7 Aug 2020 (Fri) – I went to the neurologist this morning. The first test was a Neurotrax. It was a cognitive test to see if I’ve had any brain damage from the TGA back in March. Following that, I had an EEG. A technician glues 23 nodes to your head and then has you sit in a chair with your eyes closed most of the time. He flashes a light on your closed eyes, then says “Open Your Eyes” for like 30 seconds then close them again. Weird.

Paul has been working hard in the yard, cleaning up after the storm. The oblivious neighbor did a stupid thing. A tree in his yard came down into our yard. It was straddling the fence with the root ball in the neighbor’s yard and the tree branches supporting the tree in our yard. The neighbor brought his chain saw out and cut the tree. No longer balanced between the tree branches and the root ball, the tree crushed our fence.

I went to the podiatrist today to check out the painful lump on my Achilles tendon. The doctor took an x-ray and said I have a bone spur that could be causing the problem. She also criticized my flip flops, saying I needed more support for my feet. She gave me some heel inserts to wear in a closed shoe. She also sent me to the radiologist to get an MRI. I made an appointment for Tuesday.

6 Aug 2020 (Thu) – Paul brought the truck to the service station to get it inspected. When he got back, he complained that he could hear a humming from the fuel pump. That happened to us once before. A non-qualified mechanic had tried to mount the fuel pump on the rail and broke it. Apparently, a certified diesel mechanic needs to do the job. Paul called and was told to bring the truck back in on Monday.

We brought Bonnie to the vet at 2 p.m. The ultrasound shows she has some abnormal liver issues. The vet wants to do a biopsy but Bonnie has to get a blood test first to see if she has a clotting factor. If so, then she can have the biopsy. If not, then we can’t do it.

5 Aug 2020 (Wed) – I had a check with the nurse at the cardiologist’s office today. They wanted to check and make sure there were no problems with the loop recorder. She said I had a bit of a reaction to the medical tape but everything looked OK. I should just let the tape fall off when it wants.

After the doctor, I brought some containers to Travis. He is now in contract on his house and beginning to pack things up. I brought him 9 containers. Then I drove to Sayville and met my sister, Susan, and her daughter, Shay, for lunch at Cornucopia. It is a kind of health food supermarket with a great deli counter where we all ordered lunch. We then sat outside to enjoy our meal. Following that, we took a walk along Main Street, looking in the shop windows. When we came upon an India shop, we went in. Susan & Bill follow the religion of Ashananda and the shop owner had been to one of their meetings out in the Hamptons. She spoke for a while with the clerks (the shop owner wasn’t there).

We went over Trap’s tonight to sign the contract for the sale of their house. Since we are listed as co-owners on the house, we have to sign the contract as well. While there, Trap dug out the chain saw for Paul.

4 August 2020 (Tue) – Things have been so busy and technology has been so challenging that I have not been able to keep up with the blog. I have an appointment with Best Buy on the 13th. Hopefully, that will get things back on the road.

Let’s see. I have been to the cardiologist and had an internal cardiac monitor (ICM) installed in my chest. It is a device that tracks heart activity and at night, when I am sleeping, it uploads the day’s activities to the doctor’s office. It’s been 5 days and the site still itches like crazy. Ugh.

I had to go to the lab and get a COVID test before getting the ICM installed. The nurse stuck a Cutip so far up my nose that my eyes teared. And I had an earache for the rest of the day. That dam thing was painful! I will not do that again.

We took Caiden to Sue & Bill’s last Wednesday. Their daughter, Shay, and her boyfriend, Pat, are up from South Carolina. We all swam and munched on delicious vegan foods. It was fun.

I went to the doctor’s office to see what is wrong with my heel. The PA saw me (the doctor was busy). He thinks I have a cyst on my Achilles tendon and referred me to a podiatrist.

Miranda was back in Pennsylvania this weekend so we watched Caiden a good part of the time when Kenny wasn’t working.

We got to visit with Travis & Sam yesterday. The baby is walking pretty good now. He’s always so happy. He immediately lights up when he sees you and waves his little hand hello. Trap got an offer on the house and we signed the contract with the realtor. He’s a little freaked out. They have now signed a contract to sell their house. They have to be out in a month. They want to move to South Carolina but neither of them has a job or a place to stay. In addition, they’re not going to be able to keep as much of the money from the sale of the house that they had counted on. The realtor gets $16,400 alone! Wow!

Today, Paul had an appointment with the dentist. This was a follow up to checkups we had two weeks ago where the dentist found a cavity. He went in to day to get it filled. Afterward, we went to WalMart to pick up a few items. Later in the day, Tropical Storm Isaias blew through. Another tree from the neighbor’s yard came down across our fence. Also, one of our trees came down and landed on the deck. It just missed the roof and back doors. This was dejavu! Same thing happened last year when we were here. Paul will have to dig out the chain saw. The entire neighborhood is digging out. Two trees went down on Saxon Avenue, the next block over, and the road was closed. Thousands of people were without power. We lost power on and off all day long but not for very long. Our neighbor a few doors down had a tree go down and take all his electrical lines with it. The fire department came and cut up the tree and pulled it out into the road.

25 July 2020 (Sat) – We went to Nicky’s on the Bay for lunch. The tables were spaced apart. Lots of them were out on the deck. All the wait staff was wearing face masks. Our waitress was very slow and unsure about herself. She might have been new. While we were eating, a waitress came running through the restaurant asking if there was a doctor, an EMT, or a nurse in the place. Apparently, something happened at the marine fuel site out on the deck. We couldn’t see what happened but an ambulance did roll up.

The cost of the meal was very high. It don’t know if it is because Nicky’s is a seasonal place and is trying to make its money during the summer or if they jacked the prices up because they can’t have as many people in the place. Either way, it was over $60 for a wrap and a sandwich. Ouch!

24 July 2020 (Fri) – Finally! A day with no doctors. Whew! Paul got up early and took the truck to WalMart to get an oil change. He said it looks like WalMart is going out of business. The shelves are all half stocked. If you stop to think about it, they get most of their products from China. The pandemic has affected shipments worldwide. In addition, the U.S. is angry with China for keeping the Coronavirus a secret and has instituted sanctions against them. WalMart must really be hurting.

After Paul got home, we went to Home Depot to get a container. One of our two batteries went bad and Paul bought two new ones. Now he wants a container to put them in to keep the area more organized. Home Depot didn’t have much of a selection at all. On the way out, we stopped by the tile area and picked out a tile to do a backsplash in the bathroom. We couldn’t decide, so we picked up three samples to see which we would like best.

When I was entering the costs into the budget, Paul discovered that WalMart charged him for the oil that he actually provided. So he got in the truck and drove back to WalMart to get his $12.47 refunded.

Miranda is teaching in Pennsylvania again this weekend. They took Caiden into Queens to stay with his grandmother. Kenny borrows his mother’s car so Miranda can take their car. I will miss Caiden.

23 July 2020 (Thu) – Today was my visit with the oncologist. It was so disheartening! My appointment was at 4:15 p.m. I checked in then after a brief wait, a tech brought me into an exam room and took my vitals. Thank goodness; no blood draw. Then I went upstairs and checked in with the receptionist. I waited about a half hour before the doctor’s admin assistant came and led me to the exam room. I sat there for another half hour before the nurse came in and went over my case. He spent a lot of time complaining about patients calling and asking for visits or pain medication when they should be going to their primary care physicians. Then he asked me who my PCP was. I felt like it was some kind of criticism. Was I supposed to be going to a different doctor?

The nurse left and it was another 20 minutes before the doctor came in wearing a face mask and a full face shield. He seemed detached and didn’t really hear my complaints. He said the medication sometimes causes blisters on the palms of the hands and the soles of the feet. Was I having any of those? He also said the medication can cause AFIB and that the cardiologist should check me for that. It seems like every visit to the oncologist results in him telling me something else that can happen with this chemo therapy. He seemed preoccupied and in a hurry to get out. I felt like I got the bum’s rush. I came home and started crying. Which is kind of stupid because the CT scan shows that I am responding to the medication very well. All the lymph nodes are continuing to shrink. So what’s my problem?

22 July 2020 (Wed) – I went to the Good Sam Sleep Center this morning. I had to sit in the parking lot and call the office to tell them I was waiting. They called me when the previous patient was done. When I walked into the doctor’s office after checking in, he excused himself and began to dictate the results of his visit with the previous patient. He stated the patient’s name, the issue, and his diagnosis, all in front of me. Hasn’t he been briefed on this whole patient privacy thing? I thought that I should probably step out of the room but with the whole COVID thing, they don’t want people wandering around unsupervised. When he was done, I told him that I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in 15 years. The cardiologist recommended I do a sleep study because poor sleep can affect heart function and weight. The doctor said we probably wouldn’t find anything but said he would do the study anyway. How encouraging is that???

21 July 2020 (Tue) – I went to the eye doctor today. I arrived at 9:30 a.m. When I checked in, I found my appointment was for 10:45 a.m. It looks like I made the appointment while we were in Alabama and my calendar recorded the appointment as central time, not eastern time. So the clerk sent me to sit out in my car till it was my turn or the doctor became available sooner. They called me at 9:50 to come in and brought me right to a test station where they blew air into my eye. Then she took me to an exam room where I sat for over a half hour. The doctor came in, put drops in my eyes, and said I am developing glaucoma. Come back in six months. Then he was gone. No discussion, no explanation, no anything. I complained about some eye discharge and irritation so he prescribed an ointment to put in my eye at bedtime but, again, no explanation or discussion of what the problem is. It was a very annoying visit. The doctor was very dismissive.

Paul put together a 3-minute video of upstate New York. I posted it on You Tube then contacted SMART with the link. They posted it on the website next to the description of our New York caravan.

I went in at 4 p.m. to keep an eye on Caiden while Miranda went to the store. Paul is still grousing about yesterday’s argument. I have to find a way to get him to lighten up. Ugh.

20 July 2020 (Mon) – I had a CT Scan with contrast today. I dropped off a urine sample for Sheba at the vet, then drove to Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. I checked in at the front desk and asked if my doctor or his nurse was available to see me. The receptionist said she would contact Dr. Rodriguez and see what he said. I then went into the imaging area and had the CT scan. That’s such a weird test. They inject an iodine based solution and it gives a flushed, very warm feeling in the back of the throat and in the crotch. It feels like I wet myself. The test isn’t very long and I was out of the machine within 10 minutes.

I returned to the front desk to see about the doctor. The receptionist said Dr. Rodriguez would change my telehealth appointment for Thursday to an in-person appointment or I could see someone in triage today. I said I would meet with the doctor on Thursday.

I got home to find Paul working around the RV. He was installing a switch for the water pump in the bathroom. The switch on the main panel stopped working some time ago and Paul installed a switch down in the basement. That has turned out to be somewhat inconvenient so he moved the switch up into the bathroom. That should work better for when we have to use the onboard tank for fresh water.

While we were outside, Paul and Miranda got into a nasty fight. That was very upsetting for me. Then we left and went over Travis’ house to help him with some projects. He has finally gotten an offer for his house and the inspector will be over on Thursday. He wants to clear up a few little things before the inspector arrives. Paul and Travis worked on repairing a leak in the kitchen sink and on the thermostat for his burner. I played with the boys then we all enjoyed a meal that Sam prepared. It was a pleasant evening.

19 July 2020 (Sun) – We didn’t think Caiden would be able to sit for an hour in church with a mask on so we didn’t go. At 11:30 a.m. we drove to the Bayside Clam Bar for brunch. Afterward, we walked along the boardwalk and looked at all the boats in the marina. There was a dog at one end that the owner let go down on a little spit of sand. Caiden climbed down and followed the dog around. We took his shoes off so he could step in the water. The dog was an older black lab and very friendly. Her name was Sandy.

After our meal and walk, we returned to the house and I watched Caiden while Paul worked around the house and yard. Kenny got home at 7:30 p.m.

18 July 2020 (Sat) – We got Caiden at 10:30 a.m. and then drove to Sue & Bill’s house in the Hamptons for a day of swimming in the pool and barbecuing. Despite the fact that I put sunscreen on Caiden twice, he still burned. So did I. His mother will never let me take him to the beach again. Aaarrgghh!

After we got back, I stayed with Caiden until his father came home at 10:30 p.m.

17 July 2020 (Fri) – We both went to the dentist today. The chairs in the office were taped off to ensure adequate spacing between patients. It only left 4 chairs to use. The secretary took our temperature and went through a checklist (like the tech did yesterday). Then we had our teeth cleaned and xrays taken. I got an excellent rating; Paul has a cavity and has to come back to get it filled.

We went over Trap’s to visit. We picked up dinner at Chili’s and brought it to the house. Travis was working on painting the counter top in the upstairs bathroom. They are trying everything they can think of to sell their house. They’ve had lots of lookers but no buyers. The real estate market is so hot today, I can’t figure out why the house hasn’t gone. His in-laws put their house on the market and the first visitor bought the house for $5,000 more than they were asking. The only stipulation was that they had to be out in 30 days.

Miranda’s cat was showing some kind of neurological issue today. It was walking against the side of cabinets like its left side was weak and it couldn’t stand by itself. Miranda contacted us while at Trap’s and asked about bringing her cat, Liath, to the vet. We hurried home to help but the vet said it was not life threatening and to wait until Monday to bring her in. Miranda was concerned because she is leaving tonight for Pennsylvania and will not be back until late Sunday. I promised to keep an eye on the cat.

16 July 2020 (Thu) – We both went to the cardiologist today. I was doing a follow-up to my “incident” in March. Paul went because he has hypertension and should be seen by a cardiologist.

When we arrived, we were met at the door by a tech who asked us a bunch of questions about where we’ve been and who we’ve been near. He took our temperature and then let us pass. We walked in and was processed by a clerk. Then we were brought back to the exam room. The PA came in, went over our medical histories, took our blood pressure, and did EKGs on both of us.

Then the doctor came in. I liked him instantly. He is young – in his late 20s/early 30s. He was upbeat and very friendly, touching elbows as a form of hello. He thinks I had a TIA and felt the neurologist was wrong to think I had a TGA. He recommended I get an EEG, an ambulatory EEG, and have a loop recorder inserted in my chest. He feels it is possible that I have atrial fibrillation (AFib) and the recorder will measure my heartbeat and send messages to the office. I would wear it for 3 or 4 years! I said I had to check that one with my oncologist.

Then it was Paul’s turn. The doctor referred him for a nuclear stress test. He also recommended that Paul resume taking the baby aspirin every day (he stopped a year ago because of a medical report that said baby aspirin didn’t help to prevent strokes.

15 July 2020 (Wed) – We worked around the RV until 11:30 a.m. then we took Sheba to the vet. It was over an hour in which the vet’s office displayed confusion and chaos. First, I called to say we were outside for our appointment. About 20 minutes later, one of the vets came out to gather information then went inside. Ten minutes later he came out to get Sheba. Again, the office was not able to get through to my phone and the vet came out to tell me to call them. I called and spoke with Dr. Thode. She took blood and gave Sheba shots. Dr. Thode also said the blood results were back for Bonnie. She has round worm and a low liver value. She prescribed medicine for the worms and recommended an ultrasound for the liver. After waiting 10 minutes, I called the office to see what was happening. They were just finishing up and would send Sheba out. The vet brought Sheba out, went over the highlights of her exam, and said the office would call to get payment. After another 15 or 20 minutes, I called to make the payment. The clerk took my card number three times because the machine wasn’t working properly. Then the vet tech came out with the paperwork. Paul asked about the medicine for Bonnie. They forgot it so she went back in to get it. She brought it out but stated they had forgotten to charge us for the medicine so I had to call again to give the credit card number. They brought the receipt out along with the stuff to get a urine sample from Sheba. We left but I got a phone call about 10 minutes later saying they forgot to charge us for the bloodwork they did on Sheba so I had to call back again and give the card number again. What a debacle!

Late this afternoon, Caiden came knocking on the door. He came in and played for a while then I made dinner for the three of us. He ate a small part of his meal but seemed to enjoy it. I brought the left overs into the house for Miranda and Kenny, or to keep and reheat for Caiden tomorrow.

14 July 2020 (Tue) – I had an appointment with the neurologist this morning. This was the same doctor that found the tumor in my mother’s brain 36 years ago. He has gotten very personable over the years. I liked him very much. He said the incident I experienced in March was most likely Transient Global Amnesia (TGA). Just to be careful, he recommended three different tests but stated that he doesn’t expect to find anything. Apparently, a TGA can happen at any time and never happen again. Or, it can happen again once or multiple times. If it happens many times then you would have to get checked for seizure activity in the brain. Luckily, I have not had any problems since that one time.

I played with Caiden a little tonight. We didn’t get much time together but it was still fun. He loves battle sequences.

13 July 2020 (Mon) – We took Bonnie to the vet this morning. She needed a refill on her flea and tick medicine. She got a checkup and a couple of shots. It was so weird. When we arrived, we called the office and were instructed to stay in the truck. After about 20 minutes, a vet tech came out. He took down Bonnie’s information and reason for her visit then went back inside. He came back about 10 minutes later and took her inside. We sat in the car until the doctor called. We discussed our concerns and what the doctor found and recommended. Five minutes later, the clerk called to get our credit card number for the bill. A whopping $950!!! After about another 15 minutes, Bonnie was brought back out to us. Then we waited ANOTHER 15 minutes for the clerk to bring out medicine and the bill. What a pain in the butt. And we will have to do it again with Sheba.

Kenny was off of work today, so Caiden stayed in the house nursing his sunburn and playing with his parents. Paul worked around the yard and I did paperwork.

12 July 2020 (Sun) – We went to church this morning. They just reopened after holding services digitally on You Tube and FaceBook for months. There were about 30 people in church. We had to wear our masks the entire time and still try to maintain 6’ distance from each other. They didn’t pass the collection plate. Instead, it sat in the back of the church and the minister asked everyone to drop their donation in the plate when they left.

After church, Paul and I drove to the Clamside Bar & Grill at the East Islip Marina. We both enjoyed a salad. The day was lovely – sunny, but not too hot, with a soft, balmy breeze blowing in off the water. The sun glittering on the bay was beautiful.

When we came home, I gathered up Caiden and he and I went to Heckscher State Park. I figured the beach would be closed but we could walk along the shore, throw stones in the water, build sand castles, and wiggle our toes in the water. Boy, was I surprised to find the beach open, complete with lifeguards. There were many people on the beach and in the water but they still were all keeping a decent distance between each other. The water was so warm; like a bathtub. There was lots of wave action and a delightful breeze kept the heat away. I did not have a bathing suit so I stood on the shore with my feet in the water, getting splashed well up the legs. Caiden went in and had a great time. Unfortunately, I forgot to put sunscreen on him and he got burned. His mother yelled at me.

When we left the beach, I stopped at Carvel and got Caiden some ice cream. The perfect end to a perfect day.

11 July 2020 (Sat) – Paul worked in the yard most of the day. I entertained Caiden a good part of the day. At 4:30 pm, we went over Travis’ house. We shared a salad and pizza then spent two hours playing with Noah and Hudson. The baby is on the verge of walking. He has very good balance.

10 July 2020 (Fri) – It was an overcast day with rain on and off. Tropical Storm Fay was pummeling the Jersey coast today but we didn’t get it too badly. Paul and I went shopping at PetCo for pet food and ShopRite for some groceries. Boy. Was the grocery store crowded! And we forgot to bring our own bags so the cashier charged us for 3 bags. Glad we didn’t buy a lot.

Caiden wanted to come into the trailer so badly today but the weather was lousy and I wasn’t going to put Bonnie out. Caiden came out and we stood outside in the drizzle talking for about an hour. Later, I went into the house and we played for about 2 hours.

9 July 2020 (Thu) – We packed up and left Newburgh at 10:45 am. It took almost 4 hours to drive down to Long Island. We were surprised with all the traffic on the road. We came through the boroughs and had traffic and construction that caused us to creep along through congested spots.

Caiden was so happy to see us! He ran out and gave me a hug, then ran back to the porch to watch us park the rig in the driveway. When Paul had the RV positioned well, I had Caiden help finish the set up by pushing buttons to open the slides. After we were set up, we visited for a bit and watched him swimming in his little pool. After dinner, I took Caiden to Carvel and picked up ice cream for him and Miranda (Kenny was working and Paul and I are on a diet). We brought it back home and they enjoyed the treat out on the back deck.

8 July 2020 (Wed) – Just hung around the campground most of the day. We did run out to fuel the truck and get ready for tomorrow’s move.

7 July 2020 (Tue) – We visited with the sales manager here at the campground. We had interviewed him last year and reconfirmed the amenities and costs. The nightly fee actually went down. He also promised to coordinate a bus tour into New York City for us. He offered to pick up our order for bagels and juice and even stated he could arrange a catered meal right here in the campground.

We came back and did laundry then just hung out for the day.

6 July 2020 (Mon) – We started out for West Point but would up sidetracked to the Historic Huguenot District. It was two blocks of old stone houses built in the late 1600s/early 1700s by early French settlers. The visitor’s center was closed and none of the buildings were open. We walked up and down the street, admiring the architecture from the street.

We then continued on to the West Point Military Academy. The visitor’s center was closed, as well as the tour operations office. There was no one to ask anything of. The day was a loss in that regard.

5 July 2020 (Sun) – We drove over to the Mohonk Mountain House today. Thought we’d check them out for the farewell dinner and then take a hike around the area. Unfortunately, they now have a gatehouse to control access to the place. They have us a brochure to look at and a telephone number to call but wouldn’t let us go in.

Then we drove by another restaurant but they were closed. No signs on the door. We couldn’t tell if they were just closed or if they had gone out of business. Cross them off the list.

We made a quick stop at the grocery store so Paul could pick up milk for his coffee then returned to the campground. We got to enjoy another campfire tonight. Two in a row. Wow.!

We drove into Newburgh and took a stroll on the Walkway Over the Hudson. It was an old railroad trestle over the Hudson River built back in the late 1800s. It was repurposed into a level concrete walkway that stretched for more than a mile and a third. We walked out to the middle, took a selfie, and walked back. The day was lovely. There were lots of people on the bridge – strolling, biking, walking the dog. Almost everyone obeyed the signs and wore a mask. Some people didn’t. It was very warm and my mask was wet from sweat by the time we finished our walk. It was a good time.

We drove to the FDR National Historic Site to look over the presidential library and home. The visitor’s center was closed.

4 July 2020 (Sat) – We were going to drive to the Mohonk Mountain House today but stayed in the campground instead. We had a small BBQ and sat before a delightful campfire. The campground is pretty full with lots of kids. Bonnie is barking at bicycles, skaters, and walkers. The staff came by yesterday passing out flyers about the pool. It was going to be open today from 10 to 4. They were having people sign up for a one-hour block of time. The pool is limited to 25 people but they were thinking they wouldn’t be able to do that and still have people maintain their distance. We didn’t sign up. It seemed better to leave the time slots to the kids. Normally, they would spend the whole day in the pool. This is like a tease. But I suppose it’s better than nothing.

3 July 2020 (Fri) – Things have been quiet. We have been running around trying to line up restaurants for the caravan next year. We are now at the KOA in Newburgh for a week.

30 Jun 2020 (Tue) – We pulled stakes at 9:25 am. It was a white knuckle exercise in getting out of our site. Paul had to ask the guy behind us to move then he backed up the RV to get out. Trees and other RVs and yard “stuff” in the area made it impossible to pull out from our pull-through site. Paul did it perfectly! He is so good in moving our big monster. It’s almost like it’s an extension of his physical being. Just imagine maneuvering 54’ of truck and trailer. I can’t do it!

We arrived at Shadowbrook RV Resort at a little past 11:30 am (it was a very short drive). This campground only has 18 campsites for transients. Again, we’ve been undone by the seasonal campers. After set up, we drove to four separate campgrounds and all gave the same answer – no room at the inn! The last campground we stopped at recommended the KOA up on Route 20. We’ll try them tomorrow.

We drove by the National Baseball Hall of Fame. They are on a limited opening. I left a business card and someone will call me back. I also sent emails to the tour director for the NY Capitol in Albany and the USS Slater. Communications continue with other venues as well.

29 Jun 2020 (Mon) – We drove to another campground this morning to check it out. It turned out to only have 4 available campsites for transients. The rest are filled with seasonals. Too bad. It was a really nice campground right on Saratoga Lake.

On the way back to the campground, we refueled for tomorrow’s trip and picked up chicken and water. Bonnie has diarrhea again. It just seems to be something that she’s going to go through on a regular basis no matter what we give her.

28 Jun 2020 (Sun) – We left Ticonderoga at 9:20 a.m. It rained a little in the three hours it took us to arrive at Adventure Bound RV Resorts & Campground. The campsite we got was very tight while Paul had to maneuver around a parked van, trees, and lawn decorations. This campground, although very large (over 300 campsites), would not suit our group and many campers are seasonal. The RV next to us hasn’t been moved in years.

As soon as we were set up, we headed out. First stop was at Chili’s for lunch. We both had a grilled chicken salad. Tummies full, we drove to four different campgrounds. Two wouldn’t fit the group, one had no one in the office, and the other took our phone number to give to the owner. It was not a very productive day. Hope things get better tomorrow.

On the way back to the campground, we stopped at Hannaford to pick up groceries. It was a nice supermarket. Why can’t we get any of these grocery stores on Long Island?

27 Jun 2020 (Sat) – It was a light day. We just hung out around the campground today. I made some calls and updated the files on what we’ve collected so far. The poor wifi service here is maddening! Even the cell service is poor. I’m glad we won’t be staying here as a group but I worry the other campground might be just as bad. After all, we are now in the mountains.

26 Jun 2020 (Fri) – We drove into Lake Placid today. It is a small town. The Olympics Museum was closed. We decided to have the group explore the museum then go out about the town on their own. There is a lot to see in this little tourist town.

We then drove to Whiteface Mountain. We wanted to drive up the Veterans Memorial Highway to the peak. Unfortunately, it was $25 per car to drive up. I thought that was too much money to go up there and find everything closed (not that there is that much up there to see other than the view). We turned around and left.

Right next to the entrance for Whiteface Mountain is Santa’s North Pole Workshop. We came up here twice with the kids when they were little. The workshop is still there with the post office that will send off a letter or postcard with the North Pole return address. The park was also closed.

We drove to Ausable Chasm, the Grand Canyon of the Adirondacks. It was beautiful. We spoke with the sales manager and got information on a walking tour, float trip, and lunch at the center. It will be a nice touch for the group. Up the hill right next to the chasm center is the Underground RR Museum. It is in a beautiful old stone building. It was closed but a woman stepped out of the building to speak with us. The cost to explore the museum is free and the place is very small. Guess we’ll have the group break up into smaller groups to tour the museum.

We also checked out two other campgrounds. The KOA seems like the best option at this point. It would have been nice to stay at the North Pole Hundred Acre Woods Campground but they don’t take groups of more than six rigs. Oh, pooh!

After we got back to the campground, we did the laundry.

25 Jun 2020 (Thu) – Well, we learned today why a scouting trip is so important. We left 1000 Islands CG and headed out to Ticonderoga, 170 miles away. The GPS in the truck tried to route us though Canada. It would have added 100 miles to our trip! Instead, we followed the route on my phone. The trip went through Adirondack Park. We saw mountains but the elevation never got much over 2,000’. The roads were narrow and winding and the driving was slow but we got here safe and sound. The scenery is beautiful with occasional glimpses of the lakes and rivers beside the road.

It turns out that this campground does not have enough campsites for our group – they are mostly for seasonal campers. Paul went through a list and found an alternative campground. In fact, he changed two campgrounds for one and we now have another stop on our itinerary.

After set up, we drove to Brookwood RV Resort and interviewed the owner for a possible stay there. They are a very popular campground and she suggested we get our reservations in ASAP. The only thing we don’t like is that we wouldn’t all be together. Everyone would be spread around the campground.

We drove down the road to another campground owned by the U.S. Forest Service but it was closed. We then drove into the town of Ticonderoga. The Star Trek Museum and Fort Ticonderoga were both closed due to the pandemic. We walked into a luncheonette across the street from the Star Trek Museum to see about a lunch for the group. Our group could go to the museum at 10, go to lunch at 11 (it’s a little early but that’s what they want), then take a tour of the fort. The other option is to wait on lunch until 2 pm, which is kind of late. I don’t like either option.

As we were driving around, we spotted an old stone chapel in a graveyard. We parked and went in to explore it. It reminded me of the Viking church on display in DisneyWorld.

24 Jun 2020 (Wed) – We drove over to Alexandria Bay this morning. We stopped at U.S. Boat Tours which I had emailed to ask about a tour of the Singer and Boldt Castles. We checked at the window to find out what time the shuttles and tours ran. After getting the times, we decided to have the group go to the Boldt Castle at 10 a.m., come back to town, wander the shops, and have lunch. At 2 p.m., we’ll have everyone come back and take the tour to the Singer Castle.

Afterward, we drove around the area, checking out different places. We also drove over to Wellesly Island and looked at the state parks and golf courses there. We also stopped by the ice cream shoppe in front of the campground to find out about an ice cream social. They sell 3-gallon containers of ice cream for $45. The lady suggested butter pecan as an older person’s favorite flavor.

23 Jun 2020 (Tue) – We packed up and left Stow at 9:15 a.m. The drive was easy but took almost 4 hours. When we arrived, the office was closed (we had checked in online), and a note on the door told campers to proceed to their assigned site. After set up, we left a message for the campground manager asking for a meeting.

We drove to Clayton where Main Street was under construction and closed to traffic. We had seen a delightful hotel with a restaurant years ago that boasted the original Thousand Islands dressing had been invented there. Unfortunately, the restaurant went out of business. We spoke with a manager at Bella’s. The restaurant was pleasant but she said they did not want to have a large group in to dine during their peak season. She preferred to cater a meal of assorted wraps, salads and desert and suggested we eat at the Antique Boating Museum.

We drove past both the Thousand Islands Museum and the Antique Boating Museum. They were both closed. I sent emails asking about admission and meals. This is becoming very frustrating. Many of the businesses that I have sent emails to have not answered.

When we got back to the campground, we met with the campground camp host. Whe was very chatty and gave us lots of information about the area. I have to follow up with an email so she can share it with the owner.

22 Jun 2020 (Mon) – We drove to Seneca Falls today, noting the mileage to various areas along the way. Everything we wanted to see was closed. The National Women’s Hall of Fame, although the name was displayed on the front of the building on Main Street, is no longer there. A woman in the visitor center told us it was relocated to a mill across the bridge but the coronavirus had stopped the set-up and opening of the center in its new location. We drove over and saw that it will be 3 stories high and promises to be a good stop. There is also a National Women’s Rights Museum on Main Street and a couple of houses around Seneca Falls that people could tour if they wanted.

Waterloo, birthplace of Memorial Day, is next to Seneca Falls. There is an American Civil War Museum and memorial graveyard in town. I think it would be appropriate to include it in our itinerary but Paul thinks it is too much. If so, we will certainly have to suggest it as a stop on their own.

We stopped at Ventosa Vineyards to see about a group lunch after the Seneca Falls tour. There is a lovely deck area outside overlooking the lake. The woman we spoke with suggested we send an email to the catering manager.

We then stopped at Belhurst Castle. They have a very attractive stone room with an intimate setting for lunch that also looks out at the lake. The man we spoke with gave us a menu and suggested we coordinate with the catering manager. I sent emails out to both managers.

21 Jun 2020 (Sun) – We packed up and left Bath at 9:50 a.m. It was only 95 miles to Red’s Twilight on the Erie RV Resort in Macedon, near Rochester. We arrived about noon. The office was closed. Our registration packet was sitting on a table. As we were preparing to drive to our campsite, the owner pulled up and led us to our place. She was very friendly and gladly agreed to meet with us later.

After set up, we cased the campground while walking the dog (it was too hot to let Sheba out – 90 degrees!) then went to the office and sat down with Barb. She said they would give us 10 percent off for military discount. We were all sitting around the table with our masks on and it got very hot. I was sweating like crazy. I sure was glad when the meeting was over.

We drove into Rochester to the George Eastman Museum. It was closed. We then drove to The Strong Museum of Play. That was also closed. It is a very large museum and looks like it will be fun. We then drove to a restaurant recommended by Barb. It was too far from The Strong to have people walk to it so we will have lunch in the museum then explore the museum. There is a restaurant inside.

On the way back to the campground, we stopped at Wegmans Supermarket. What a huge store! It had to be the largest supermarket we’ve ever been in. And it was neat and clean and attractive. Everyone in the store was wearing a mask and the staff was actively wiping things down and making sure everything was sanitized.

20 Jun 2020 (Sat) – We drove to the Finger Lakes Boating Museum to meet the Administration Assistant and see the wine cellar where they host catered meals. It is a lovely room and we are sure the group would like it. We would probably have the tour of the museum first (there are 3 floors in the museum) then go to the bottom floor for a lunch.

After meeting with Nancy Wightman, we drove back to the KOA to meet with the Office Manager. We sat outside at a picnic table, all in our masks, and discussed what they could offer the caravan next year. Elaine is pregnant and will be out on maternity leave for a while. This could cause a problem with coordination but we will see how it shakes out.

While driving out and about, we stopped at a nearby fish hatchery. It was closed but they had an observation pool with three kinds of trout in it – brown trout, brook trout, and rainbow trout. What is weird is that the brook trout is the only native species to the area, yet the hatchery doesn’t raise them – only the other two species.

We drove around to check out some other places. There is a VA Center and National Cemetery a couple of miles down the road. We rode around the cemetery looking at the gravestones. We also gathered information about other services in the area – RV dealers, hospital, clinic, vets, foodstore, etc.

We had a campfire tonight. There is nothing more intoxicating that the smell of a campfire.

19 Jun 2020 (Fri) – We packed up and left Chautauqua at 9:30. The weather was good and the drive was pleasant. We arrived at the Bath-Hammondsport KOA around noon. They had sent an email asking us to pre-register/check-in. I did that. When we arrived, Paul stayed in the truck while I went in. The clerk confirmed our information and gave us our map and paperwork. This is a lovely campground. We have been here before and am sure the caravan will enjoy the place.

We drove around town, trying to find a restaurant to have a welcome dinner in. The three restaurants we chose were all too small and two of them were still closed. The thirde, the Stone Timber Inn, does catering. We took the chef’s card and left. On the way back to the campground, we stopped at an American Legion post and took a look at their hall. We asked about renting the hall and the bartender gave us the rental agent’s phone number along with the commander’s number.

The campground is working hard to ensure people are having a good time, despite the spacing restriction from the coronavirus. They delivered a packet to make s’mores with. Folks were invited to make s’mores and post pictures on the facebook page. They also gave us free firewood. It made a delightful fire. They also had a cornhole contest where people who had the game in their rig wee encouraged to play and report their results.

18 Jun 2020 (Thu) – We went to the office at 9:30 a.m. to speak with the campground owner. The doors were locked. Some guy came out in to the hall, looked at us at the door then went back into his office. How rude! I then called the office and the owner answered. We sat at the table outside on the deck and interviewed the guy about the facilities and what he would do for the group. Satisfied, we told him we would send a check and wanted to leave him a book. He said he was in his office. When we told him the door was locked, he laughed and said he forgot to open it then stepped out and took the book.

We drove 20 minutes to the Grape Discovery Center to see what it looked like. It was closed. We parked and walked around, peeking in the windows. It looks like it would be a nice experience for our group next year, so we will include it in the itinerary.

We found a laundromat in a house (ah, country life). We put the clothes in the washer then drove to a Mazza’s Winery and had a flight of wines. Then we returned to the laundromat house and put the clothes in the dryer. We walked around the town of Mayville while our clothes tumbled.

After we collected the clothes, we drove to Jamestown to check out the Lucy-Desi Museum and the National Comedy Center. Unfortunately, they, too, were both closed because of the pandemic. This situation is going to make it hard to develop a budget for the caravan.

Paul located a WalMart and we did some food shopping. We are starting a diet and needed to pick up all the right kinds of foods. I just planned 4 days and the frig is chocked full. I will not be able to shop a week at a time, that’s for sure.

The check-in time for this campground is 6 p.m. (check-out is 5 p.m.). We’ve never seen such a late time for check-in. We asked if the owner would put that aside for us when our group comes next year.

17 Jun 2020 (Wed) – We left Marblehead, Ohio, at 8:20 a.m. It was a long drive today so we left early. The drive was over 4 hours and took us along the lakeshore of Lake Erie, through Pennsylvania and into New York. The campground looks like it was a KOA at one time. Our campsite is a pull through with a concrete surface. The campground is on Chautauqua Lake. The pool, the store, and all group centered places are closed due to the pandemic. You have to wear a mask in the office.

After set up, we drove into Mayville to meet with the operations manager of the Chautauqua Belle paddlewheeler. He was a young man who seemed to be coordinating a group tour for the first time. We went over is suggested schedule and agreed on an itinerary. He will draw up a contract and send it to us.

Then we drove down the road to the Chautauqua Institution. It is one of the stops on the itinerary Mike put together and we wanted to look at it. It’s not very clear why we should take a tour of the place. It seems like a private community with very lovely homes on the lake. The roads are very narrow and seem to wind aimlessly around the neighborhood. There is a beautiful old hotel where he suggested we have lunch. We wanted to get some information about the place but the visitor’s center was closed. I’ll have to send an email.

We drove to Jamestown and picked up food at Pet Smart. Then Paul drove up the other side of the lake to the center where the interstate crossed the lake. We got back to the campground at 5 p.m.

0 notes

dank-rituals · 7 years

Note

Answer the EXCUSE ME post. All of them. now. (at this point you shouldn't be surprised)

excuse me

1. selfie -after I shower

2. whatwould you name your future kids? -Damien, Drake, Selena, Rachel, idk I haven’t thought about it in a long time

3. do youmiss anyone? -Always

4. whatare you looking forward to? -Death, guess we might play Magic later, might be fun

5. isthere anyone who can always make you smile? - I don’t know, I’m pretty morose. Lee usually manages, and Ariels gottenpretty good at it.

6. is ithard for you to get over someone? -YES

7. whatwas your life like last year? -Fuck you

8. haveyou ever cried because you were so annoyed? -Yeah

9. who didyou last see in person? -Jessica brought me breakfast

10. areyou good at hiding your feelings? -No

11. areyou listening to music right now? -No

12. whatis something you want right now? - An effective therapist

13. how doyou feel right now? -Like fucking shit

14. whenwas the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? - Night before last

15.personality description - Depressed nerd who learned to communicate by flirting

16. haveyou ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn't? - All the time

17.opinion on insecurities. - Everybody’s got em

18. do youmiss how things were a year ago? - fuck you

19. haveyou ever been to New York? - I live in NY, been to NYC once

20. whatis your favourite song at the moment? - Failure by Breaking Benjamin

21. ageand birthday? - 26, January 14th

22.description of crush. - Tall, dark hair, perfect body, divine eyes, movie star

23.fear(s) -Octopi, my own mind & emotions

24. height- 6’

25. rolemodel -None

26.idol(s) -Edgar Allan Poe, Dan Harmon

27. thingsi hate - Feelings, customers, tomatoes, getting stood up, talking on the phone, lifein general, myself

28. i'lllove you if... - you play with my hair, play my games, or if loving you can cause me painsomehow

29.favourite film(s) - Leon: The Professional

30.favourite tv show(s) - Rick & Morty, The Simpsons, Community, Gravity Falls, Over the Garden Wall,Adventure Time

31. 3 random facts - I need new glasses desperately, I don’t think my depression is ever going togo away, I’m going to make Mac & Cheese in my new crock pot because I’venever owned one before

32. areyour friends mainly girls or guys? - More guys currently, usually girls though

33.something you want to learn - I wanna be better at Overwatch

34. mostembarrassing moment - running tech for high school talent show and nothing worked because my schoolsucked

35.favourite subject - English/Philosophy

36. 3dreams you want to fulfill? - Have a family (of some kind), get a job I don’t hate, enjoy fall regularly

37.favourite actor/actress - Keanu Reeves/Alexandra Daddario

38.favourite comedian(s) -George Carlin, Mitch Hedberg, lots more

39.favourite sport(s) - LARP lol

40.favourite memory - Let’s not

41.relationship status - Alone

42.favourite book(s) - A Dirty Job/Bloodsucking Fiends/Lamb by Christopher Moore, Hitchiker’s Guideto the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, Heroes of Horror by James Wyatt& Ari Marmell

43.favourite song ever - Failure by Breaking Benjamin

44. ageyou get mistaken for - Who knows, or cares

45. howyou found out about your idol -Studied Poe in school, Community was recommended by Brian

46. whatmy last text message says - “I could eat a sausage croissant sammich w/extra cheese lol”

47. turnons - Plaid, alt girls, red hair, short skirts, cleavage, nerdiness

48. turnoffs - insecurity, jealousy, close-mindedness

49. wherei want to be right now - a graveyard

50.favourite picture of your idol

51. starsign -Capricorn

52.something i'm talented at - Dungeons & Dragons, sex

53. 5things that make me happy - see above + music, cheeseburgers, games

54.something thats worrying me at the moment - I have to pick one? How about my inability to see a future where I’m alive

55. tumblrfriends @indierockandroll @manicdrow @mx-r-x

56. favouritefood(s) -Cheeseburgers, chicken fingers, French fries, lasagna, tacos

57.favourite animal(s) -Corvids & Mustelids (Ravens and Weasels)

58.description of my best friend - One of them is a big ol doofus, ever the optimist to my pessimist. I can’twait for him to come home from his deployment and save me from myself. Theother is a total nerdy babe who I’m lucky to have found in this shithole town.We’ve both been through our share of crap and we keep each other movingforward, even if I have a gigantic crush on her and she keeps finding betterguys than me to date :P I wouldn’t trade our friendship for the world.

59. why ijoined tumblr -Megan made me, its all her fault

60. ask meanything you want -you didn’t ask anything

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petergirl10 · 7 years

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On July 22, 2010, four nights before the UK Sherlock premiere, Benedict Cumberbatch sat down with hosts Charlie Stayt and Kate Silverton on the BBC's morning news magazine, Breakfast. Silverton: Okay, welcome back. So, it seems fitting to just drop a few clues about our final guest. He's an actor who's been in Small Island, Atonement, Tipping the Velvet and numerous theatre productions, and he's here to talk about his latest role as a very perceptive investigator, who lives at the sort of London address that comes up in pub quizzes. Stayt: Yes, his partner in crime solving is Dr John Watson, and in the original stories, he didn't once say, "elementary". Ah, it's pretty obvious who it is, isn't it? The answer is Benedict Cumberbatch, who's here to tell us about all the new BBC One adaptation of the Sherlock Holmes stories. Good morning. Cumberbatch: Good morning. Stayt: We were talking about this sort of James Bond mantle... Cumberbatch: Mmm. Stayt: ...and taking on the idea of writing a James Bond story. The idea of playing Sherlock Holmes, as an actor, is a pretty big one, I think. Cumberbatch: Yeah, I mean, they're both very daunting, iconic characters to take on, and interestingly, there's a parallel with Bond. Holmes is someone who hasn't been reinvented in the 21 st century until now, so, rather like Fleming's original novel set in that period, why not continue the franchise in a modern setting? And he's always been a modern man, Sherlock, so the idea of him being... Silverton: How... What do you mean? Cumberbatch: Well, I think he's always been at the forefront of forensic science. He was, um, somebody who was investigating the idea of fingerprints and footprints, and wrote very long, probably very boring monographs on different types of ash, cigarettes and cigar ash, to detect where the cigar and cigarette may be bought from, and therefore lead to an identity of whoever's left the ash behind. So, the idea that he can exist in the 21st century, I think, sits quite neatly. It's a difficult one, I think, for traditionalists to swallow because it could be very naff. Silverton: And I've been saying... Yes. And I can imagine people saying you just can't touch Sherlock Holmes, you know, put it in the modern day, it just won't work. Cumberbatch: Yeah. Silverton: And I actually confess, I was one of those last night who sat down to watch it... Cumberbatch: Me too, before I read the scripts. Silverton: Were you? Cumberbatch (laughs): Yeah, completely. Silverton: Were you thinking, "Gosh, I can't do this." Cumberbatch: Oh, completely, I just... It's very easy, I think, to just... to try and, uh, reinvigorate something with a very tacked-on idea of modernity, whether it just be multimedia technology or a sort of tongue-in-cheek reference to something that's now, I don't know, taken on a new guise, but... Silverton: Well, let's take a look and give people a sense of what we're talking about. Cumberbatch: Okay, yeah. Let's talk about that. Silverton: This is your very first meeting with, uh... with Watson. Cumberbatch: Okay, okay. Sherlock: I play the violin when I’m thinking. Sometimes I don’t talk for days on end. Would that bother you? Potential flatmates should know the worst about each other. John: Oh, you ... you told him about me? Mike Stamford: Not a word. John: Then who said anything about flatmates? Sherlock: I did. Told Mike this morning that I must be a difficult man to find a flatmate for. Now here he is just after lunch with an old friend, clearly just home from military service in Afghanistan. Wasn’t that difficult a leap. John: How did you know about Afghanistan? Sherlock: Got my eye on a nice little place in central London. Together we ought to be able to afford it. We’ll meet there tomorrow evening; seven o’clock. Sorry – gotta dash. I think I left my riding crop in the mortuary. John: Is that it? Sherlock: Is that what? John: We’ve only just met and we’re gonna go and look at a flat? Sherlock: Problem? John: We don’t know a thing about each other; I don’t know where we’re meeting; I don’t even know your name. Sherlock: I know you’re an Army doctor and you’ve been invalided home from Afghanistan. I know you’ve got a brother who’s worried about you but you won’t go to him for help because you don’t approve of him – possibly because he’s an alcoholic; more likely because he recently walked out on his wife. And I know that your therapist thinks your limp’s psychosomatic – quite correctly, I’m afraid. That’s enough to be going on with, don’t you think? Sherlock: The name’s Sherlock Holmes and the address is two two one B Baker Street. Afternoon. Mike Stamford: Yeah. He’s always like that. Stayt: That is, uh... And we won't go into too much detail, but you're pretty much right, aren't you? I mean, he is annoyingly... Cumberbatch: Yes... Irritatingly... But, I mean, he is fallible. He is fallible. It's not a complete science deduction. It is, pretty much, in his hands, but... There are red herrings. There are dead ends. But the brilliant thing he still can do, in the 21 st century, with all the multimedia and forensic science he has at his availability... At his availability! At his hands, at his beck and call... Is to turn that into a coherent narrative, to understand who, why, what, when, and he does that so fantastically brilliantly, and sometimes he gets it wrong, but... Silverton: And it's an illustration of how...If just by being, purely by being observant, that you can pick up on... Cumberbatch: He's great. Silverton: If just by being, purely by being observant, that you can pick up on... Cumberbatch: Yes, it's an achievable... It's an achievable power. It's not a superpower. It's... Silverton: It's... It struck me as sort of a cross between, and we mentioned forensic science, sort of a CSI, it's got a really pacey feel... Cumberbatch: Mmm. Yeah. Silverton: The scripting's very fast and very... There's a lot of wit in there. Cumberbatch: Yes, it's quite... Silverton: It's kind of Like an adult Doctor Who. But then, some of the writers have actually also written for Doctor Who. Cumberbatch: Well, Steve and Mark... Both Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss do both write for Doctor Who, but, um... I don't think there's that much of a crossover, but stylistically, you have a maverick. You have an outsider. Silverton: Yeah. Cumberbatch: You have someone who's voluble, who's incredibly smart and fast-thinking, and adept at thinking on his feet, and someone who leaps into action and leaves people going, "Wait! Hang on!" And, you know, catching up like the audience does, but... I think what's smart about this as well is that there are moments, without spoiling too much, where the audience is let into the thinking of Holmes, which is quite a new dynamic, I think, in any TV drama. You have these moments not just with sort of, screen technology, which is often a cutaway to a phone or a computer where the words actually appear rather than actually being on the screen. Stayt: Now that's worth explaining, isn't it, because I thought that was a very... Silverton: Yes. Stayt: ... I've not seen it before. Cumberbatch: Yeah. Stayt: Just to explain, so, I think filmmakers have been struggling with the idea of, how do you make texting interesting... Cumberbatch: Yeah, yeah. ... Stayt: ... in a visual sense. What you do in this film, is that you... You're receiving the texts and they appear as subtitles. Cumberbatch: Yeah. Stayt: And so you know what the actor's looking at. Cumberbatch: Exactly, exactly. Stayt: It's so simple. I don't know why... Cumberbatch: And yet very, very, very effective. I know, I know. I think maybe because people think it's some kind of intrusion on the actual physical space of what the camera's looking at, but I... You know, a word or two floating up, it's brilliant. It just works. Stayt: It comes like a thought bubble, really. Silverton: Yeah. Cumberbatch: Yes, it does a bit. Silverton: You've also got a lovely landlady that I think we should introduce very quickly, if we've got time. Cumberbatch: Oh, please. The lovely Una Stubbs. Silverton: The landlady at 221 B Baker Street, played by Una Stubbs. And we get to see what a mess you live in. (Cumberbatch laughs) John: Well, this could be very nice. Very nice indeed. Sherlock: Yes. Yes, I think so. My thoughts precisely. So I went straight ahead and moved in. John: Soon as we get all this rubbish cleaned out... Oh. So this is all ... Sherlock: Well, obviously I can, um, straighten things up a bit. John: That’s a skull. Sherlock: Friend of mine. When I say ‘friend’ ... Mrs. Hudson: What do you think, then, Doctor Watson? There’s another bedroom upstairs if you’ll be needing two bedrooms. John: Of course we’ll be needing two. Mrs. Hudson: Oh, don’t worry; there’s all sorts round here. Mrs Turner next door’s got married ones. Oh, Sherlock. The mess you’ve made. Stayt: I bet it was hard to keep a straight face filming that, wasn't it? (Silverton and Cumberbatch laugh) Cumberbatch: This stuff is fantastic. Holmes's default mode is quite a straight face. It's rare that he smiles without intent. But yeah, no, she's wonderful. She's just delightful. She's very, very funny. Stayt: Like I was saying that... Sorry, you were saying a second ago about how many actors have taken on the role of Sherlock. You were saying that it was... Is it 200? Cumberbatch: It's a huge number. If you take into the international contingent as well, it's... I think it is well into the 200s. I think it's possibly... This might be in the Guinness Book of Records, I'm not sure, and I should know this, playing a fact-meister that Holmes is. Um, I think he is the most-played literary fictional character. Um, I mean for me, one of the scariest things, as far as inheriting any of that and playing such an iconic role was thinking about Rathbone and Brett. To me, they are the two supreme English Holmes and always will be. So that was yet another appeal with escaping that shadow slightly, because of not having a deerstalker, a bowler hat, or a cape or pipe in sight, that there was... We were moving out of the Victorian smog of it into something which I could have some kind of a new identity with. Silverton: Mmm. Cumberbatch: Um, and also it's younger and also it's when they first meet and that's very rarely been done. Silverton: Yes. Cumberbatch: And it's a great place to start the story, where it originally started, in Study in Scarlet. Silverton: That's fantastic. Cumberbatch: Ours is called "A Study in Pink." Silverton: Well... Stayt: You get a scarf and a long coat. Cumberbatch: Oh yes, you have to come up with some kind of a silhouette. Silverton: There's some things that still remain. Yeah. It's so lovely to see you. Thank you so much... Cumberbatch: It's an absolute pleasure. Stayt: I know you're a little bit dicky on the throat. Cumberbatch: A little bit dicky on the throat, yeah. Stayt: Thank you. Silverton: So one not to miss, then. Sherlock on BBC One, 9:00 on Sunday night.

#sherlock #season one #2010 #interview #benedict cumberbatch

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catie-and-alle · 7 years

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To Equivocate Ch. 1

Chapter One of “To Equivocate” is now uploaded!

Author: QueenofStarlight Category: AU

v. to be deliberately ambiguous and unclear

Lance and Keith made terrible first impressions with each other, but through the magic of friendship - AKA Hunk - they manage to find common ground. Unfortunately, this common ground doesn't stop Lance's curiosity over everything that makes Keith slightly suspicious. Why does he get so uncomfortable on the subject of romance? Why did he transfer schools with only four months left of his senior year? Why doesn't he ever talk about his family, and why does Pidge get so worked up when Lance asks anything about Keith? Lance is undeniably curious, but he doesn't want to disrupt the fragile peace between them.

So what does he do? He falls in love with Keith.

He can’t breathe, thick smoke filling his lungs and making his eyes tear up, blurring the red flames climbing up the walls and dancing across the carpet. The heat is unbearable, suffocating and painful, and he cries out, yelling for a person dear to him. A muffled scream is the only reply before a beam falls in front of his face, blocking the hall and throwing him back, sparks flying and burning his skin as they fall. He calls for the person again, and gains no response. The ceiling begins to crumble, audible cracks and breaks in the wood signaling him as the plaster collapses.

Keith wakes up in a cold sweat, his joints aching and stomach feeling like it might eject last night’s dinner if he moves too fast. Moving his head to where he can actually see, Keith realizes he’d fallen asleep at his desk, arms crossed over each other to act as a surrogate pillow. Pencils and eraser shavings are strewn around him and Keith brushes some of them onto the floor as he sits up, stretching out his too-stiff arms and yawning. The vivid images of his nightmare recede into the back of his mind, and while Keith knows they’ll never go away, there’s no point in letting his thoughts linger on the dream during the daytime when he already has to deal with it every night.

Grabbing his phone and typing in the passcode, Keith confirms that it’s already past noon, and there’s about ten unread messages from Pidge that seem to have been sent sometime around four am. It’s a Thursday, which means Pidge has school, and Keith offhandedly wonders if his friend is pulling an all-nighter. Most likely they’ve spent the morning downing cups of coffee and death-glaring anyone who dares to piss them off. Keith imagines a teacher trying to confiscate Pidge’s coffee and shudders slightly at the thought. He’s heard stories about how territorial Pidge can get with their coffee, and it’s not something he really wants to see firsthand, truth be told.

It’s already been two months since Keith moved to the city, and he still hasn’t gone to see Pidge in person. They’ve been friends for years, writing letters back and forth and calling and texting and Skyping. Despite the intense distance between the city Pidge lives in and Keith’s tiny hometown, Keith still considers them to be his only genuine friend, one of the only people he really trusts. And yet, even though he’s now only a five-minute train ride away from their house, he can’t quite muster up the strength to leave his room for anything other than the therapy sessions his brother has been more or less forcing him to attend each week.

He’s already been through three different therapists, each one more condescending than the last.

Keith opens the messages from Pidge.

[ Pidge ] (2:34 AM) hey keith [ Pidge ] (2:36 AM) keith did you fall asleep [ Pidge ] (2:37 AM) traitor [ Pidge ] (7:21 AM) dude are you awake yet [ Pidge ] (7:21 AM) how lucky you are, getting to sleep in so late [ Pidge ] (7:22 AM) i have to get up at 7 in the fucking morning [ Pidge ] (7:23 AM) every single fucking day [ Pidge ] (11:03 AM) keith it’s my lunch break how are you still asleep [ Pidge ] (11:04 AM) if you’re ignoring me i’m gonna kick your ass [ Pidge ] (11:05 AM) shiro says you’re still asleep so whatever [ Pidge ] (11:31 AM) okay well lunch break is over so bye you lazy ass

[ Keith ] (12:48 PM) Not everyone is nocturnal like you are, I was up ‘till two am last night. I was tired. And I didn’t set an alarm, that’s why I didn’t wake up.

Since Pidge is in class, Keith doesn’t expect them to reply anytime soon, so he sets his phone down and stretches, letting out a groan when he discovers an annoying crick in his neck from sleeping all hunched over. He’s just standing up when there’s a knock at his door, and his brother’s voice sounds through the wood. “Keith, are you up yet?” Keith doesn’t answer, knowing Shiro’s just going to come in anyways. And he does, the door cracking open just enough for Shiro to poke his head in, donning that soft smile that, as a kid, made Keith feel like nowhere in the world was safer than right in his brother’s arms.

Sometimes, in the back of his mind, he wishes he still felt that way.

“Oh good, you’re awake. You’ve got a session in a couple of hours.” Keith frowns, and Shiro swings the door open wider, leaning on the frame with his arms crossed over his chest. “Keith, I know you hate them, but you really need to talk to someone about what happened. I know you won’t talk to me or Allura, so a therapist is all I have to turn to.” Shiro’s voice is pleading, and if Keith didn’t know any better, he’d say his brother was desperate. Unfortunately, Keith did know better, even if he shoved that knowledge deep into his subconscious.

He knew Shiro was only concerned for his wellbeing, and that concern wasn’t out of place. Keith had spent the last two months avoiding his brother like the plague, for more reasons than one, and he’d done hardly anything at all except for draw and put off sleeping for as long as possible.

Keith said nothing, and Shiro continues. “Look, I know you’re mad at me, and that’s okay. You have a right to be mad. But if we’re going to be living together for the next year, I need a way to know what’s going on inside your head. You’re my little brother, and I care about you.” Keith’s gut twists. “I just want to make sure you’re alright. You don’t have to tell me anything more than that. Just tell me when you’re upset so I can do something about it.”

“And what exactly would you be able to do?” Keith snaps, pointedly avoiding eye contact. “You’ve been gone for seven years, Shiro. There’s nothing you can know about me that wasn’t told to you by someone else. So what would you be able to do if I’m upset?”

Silence stretches, and Keith doesn’t have to look at Shiro to know that those words hurt. He can imagine the pain in his brother’s features, muted but still there. He hears the disappointed sigh that leaks out, and then Shiro is pushing off the door frame, running his prosthetic hand through the white tuft of hair that had faded into existence while Keith was in the hospital. “Just…be ready by two, okay? I’ll be in the garage.”

Shiro leaves, pulling the door shut behind him, and Keith doesn’t move until he can no longer hear footsteps in the hall. He sinks in his seat, loosening the tension in his back, and curses under his breath, trying to will away the ache in his chest that comes with every failed interaction with his brother. Keith thinks back to the time when he and Shiro had been practically inseparable, when it was just them and their mom and nothing in the world was more important than spending time together. Now, those memories are faded and distant in Keith’s mind, as if too far away to be real.

Standing up from his chair, Keith spends a minute or two rummaging through his wardrobe for an outfit that doesn’t make him look like an antisocial hobo. Which he is, really, but the therapist doesn’t need to know that. He opens his bedroom door slowly and peeks out, making sure Shiro is out of sight before heading to the bathroom and turning on the shower, letting the steam clear his head. As Keith tugs off his clothes, he catches sight of himself in the mirror, his hair greasy and tangled, eyes sunken-in from a lack of sleep and his skin pale from so long in the dark of his bedroom. He really does look terrible, and it’s easy to see why Shiro’s worried.

But as Keith turns and his back comes into view, he stares at the vivid burn marks crawling up his spine, only a few patches of skin left untouched from his lower back to his neck. Keith quickly turns away and hurries into the shower. He knows the burns are the real reason why Shiro’s so worried, why there’s always a hint of pity in his eyes. Keith hates that look, and it’s one of several reasons why he can hardly stand to talk to his brother for long.

He spends far too long massaging shampoo into his hair and trying not to let the hot water linger on his burns, and when Keith is finally dressed and his hair is mostly dry, it’s already almost one-thirty in the afternoon, meaning he’d spent at least an hour in the shower. Shiro’s voice can be heard from the kitchen, and when Keith hears conversation speech but no replies, he hopes his brother is on the phone and not going mad. As he comes closer, he realizes Shiro is talking about his therapy session, and assumes he’s talking to his girlfriend, Allura.

Keith likes Allura. She doesn’t infringe on his personal space, and her smiles are warm and soft. She reminds him of his mother, and while logically that fact should be incredibly painful, instead Keith just finds it comforting. Allura was a neurosurgeon, and thus she didn’t have a huge amount of free time, so she tended to visit at random hours of day and night and sometimes during lunch breaks. Keith stayed out of the way most of the times she came over, letting her and Shiro have their moments, but there had been a couple of visits where Allura had made it a point to hang out with Keith, and although he felt bad about picking favorites, he felt more comfortable around her than he did around his brother.

Tossing his pajamas into the hamper by the laundry room, Keith heads toward the kitchen, closing his bedroom door behind him and trying not to disturb Shiro’s conversation as he walks past.

Keith’s no-longer-morning breakfast generally consists of a too-tiny piece of gluten-free toast, blackberry jelly Allura had brought over weeks prior, and a cup of coconut milk. He doesn’t often eat with his brother, since most of the time Shiro is already at work when Keith finally gets up. Except, of course, on days where Shiro makes him go to therapy sessions. Like today. Shiro gives him a sideways glance that Keith ignores as he shuffles out of the kitchen with his food and takes a seat at the dining table, eating and trying not to accidentally eavesdrop.

Pidge texts back halfway through his meal, vibrating the table and making Keith jolt at the sound.

[ Pidge ] (1:44 PM) you know, i can see why you have no life

[ Keith] (1:45) Like you’re one to talk. You’re just as antisocial as I am, and your sleep schedule is worse than mine, it’s just that I don’t have to go to school like you do.

[ Pidge ] (1:46 PM) yeah well maybe school would improve your damn depressing attitude [ Pidge ] (1:46 PM) and i wish you’d stop ignoring shiro [ Pidge ] (1:47 PM) whenever you do he complains to matt about it and then matt complains to me and tries to convince me to convince you to not ignore your brother and it’s damn annoying [ Pidge ] (1:47 PM) you can’t hold your stupid grudge forever, you know

Keith doesn’t respond right away. Pidge knows why he’s been so distant from his brother, and their brother Matt is coincidentally connected to Keith’s grudge against Shiro, whether the guy knows it or not. Keith doesn’t blame Matt specifically, no more than he blames Allura. It wasn’t their fault Shiro decided to stay in the city rather than come home. And deep down, Keith understands why Shiro wouldn’t have wanted to come back. He wouldn’t have come back either.

[ Keith ] (1:51 PM) i just can’t talk to him quite yet.

Pidge doesn’t reply, so he assumes they’re in class again and puts his phone down, finishing his breakfast just as Shiro hangs up the phone. “Hey. You ready to go? Go get some shoes and we can head out.” Keith nods without hesitation, following Shiro to the door. Shiro’s old and worn military boots sit up against the wall, Keith’s brand-new red converse next to them, barely having been worn at all since they were bought. After all, the only time Keith’s ever even left the house since moving in was to attend his therapy sessions, and no one wears shoes indoors.

They exchange no words as they put on their shoes, Shiro holding open the door for Keith as they make their way out of the apartment and to the pearly-white Prius Keith remembers their mom practically begging Shiro to choose. ‘It gets amazing gas mileage’ she’d said. Keith had wondered why gas mileage mattered, all he’d cared about at the time was that it looked like a spaceship from the inside and was quieter than their mom’s obnoxiously yellow Volkswagen bug.

The memory of their mother’s car seems so distant, and Keith leans against the window, drawing his knees up to his chest as the scenery flies by, grey buildings and blurry crowds of people making their way through life. A total of five minutes pass in silence before Shiro turns on the stereo. Frank Sinatra’s voice sounds in the speakers, unmistakeable, the first notes of ‘Love and Marriage’ filtering through like a familiar lullaby. The song reverberates in Keith’s memory, scenes of him and his brother belting out the lyrics in the living room while their mother videotaped, her smile wrinkling the skin around her eyes as they coaxed her dance along.

Keith prefers not to wonder if Shiro is playing the song on purpose or not.

Keith tunes everything out for the rest of the ride, and soon enough, Shiro’s announcing their arrival. The building is exactly what Keith had expected- brown brick, a couple of malnourished shrubs out front, windows covered up with metal blinds. The interior is similar, blank white walls with the occasional ocean painting or motivational poster and seats that are so immaculately clean it makes Keith wonder if anyone else ever comes here. He stands off to the sidelines as Shiro talks to the receptionist, confirming the time for his session. He returns with a small smile.

“Alright, Dr. Marshall’s gonna come see you in a bit. And Keith, please be civil.” Keith makes a face at the request. “At least try, okay?” Shiro says, his Dad tone showing through a but. “Fine.” Keith replies, trying not to be snappish and scowling at the floor when he doesn’t succeed.

”Keith Kogane?”

Keith and Shiro both look up, an older man waving at them with the world’s fakest smile plastered onto his face. “I’ll be waiting right here. And Keith-” “Be civil, yeah, I got it.” Keith growls, shoving his hands deep into his pockets and pulling up his hood, following the therapist down a few halls and into an office. The man motions for him to sit and Keith does, stiff and tense.

“Alright now, Keith, tell me about the problems you’ve been having.”

An hour later, Keith and Dr. Marshall emerge from the office, Shiro standing up to meet them. Dr. Marshall pulls Shiro aside and they talk in hushed voices. Keith ignores their conversation. Soon enough, they’re shaking hands, and Shiro’s returning to Keith, walking ahead as they leave.

“So, Dr. Marshall says it might be a good idea for you to go to public school again.”

They’re in the car again, and they’ve been driving in silence long enough that Keith had begun to grow suspicious of the fact that Shiro hadn’t turned on the stereo. His suspicions were proven to be well-funded when Shiro suddenly springs the idea on him, completely unexpected.

“What? Why?” He questions, brows knitting together.

“Well, probably because staying at home all day with no social contact and nothing to properly motivate your life isn’t exactly what most people would call healthy.” Shiro says. “Allura and the Holts and I have already talked about it, actually. Katie’s school is still accepting students even though there’s less than half the school year left. It’s close enough that Allura or I could drive you there, and it’s only a short train ride away as well. The Holts live really close to the campus, so you’d be able to spend more time with Katie. You haven’t even gone to see them yet, and you’ve been in the city for months now.” Shiro says, his tone hopeful and almost excited.

Keith takes a moment to ponder the idea. Shiro’s right, he hasn’t gone to see Pidge at all since he’s moved into the city, and Pidge is literally his only friend. He’ll also need to graduate at some point, and he doesn’t have the personal motivation for homeschool. He could always just drop out and get his GED, but that isn’t particularly appealing when Keith remembers how so many people had looked down on the idea back home. Then again, those people were all assholes.

“I’ll think about it.” Keith says, leaning against the window again as they stop at a light, watching a group of teenagers race each other across the crosswalk.

Shiro lets out a breath that Keith takes as a show of surprise, and when he speaks, his tone is chipper and light, as if he’d just gotten the best news of the year. “Alright! Good! Thanks, Keith.”

Keith doesn't fight back his smile. “No problem.”

[ Pidge ] (3:27 PM) apparently shiro told matt that you told him you’d think about going to public school again [ Pidge ] (3:28 PM) if this is a lie i swear i’m going to gut matt and then you for being a pain [ Pidge ] (3:30 PM) i’m call you on skype and if you don’t answer i’m gonna spam you all night

Keith hurriedly logs into Skype to answer Pidge’s call, and right away he catches notice of the bags under their eyes and the Starbucks coffee cups in the background of their room.

“Pidge, did you pull an all-nighter on a school night?”

“Yes, I did, but that’s not important.”

“Yes it is-”

“Shut up Emo Boy. You’ve been living in this city for almost four months now and you still haven’t come to visit me, so I have the right to be excited that you might be coming to my school.” Pidge says, pointing at the screen accusingly. Keith shrinks a bit at that, already having felt guilt for not visiting his friend right away. “Of course, I understand why you’re kinda out of it, so I’m not mad at you. But I’m still not going to avoid trying to convince you to come see me now.”

“Anyways, about this whole school thing…” Pidge’s expression droops a bit, their tone lowering. Keith doesn’t really like how they tiptoe around the subject, but he knows why they do, and he appreciates the sentiment. “...do you think you’ll be alright? I mean, you said you’d think about it, and that’s not a definite yes, but I know you had really shitty experiences with your last school, and even though I know my school isn’t as bad with acceptance and stuff like that, I still kinda wonder if maybe it’s too soon? Maybe homeschool would be better for you? Maybe-”

“Pidge. You’re rambling.” Keith says, stopping his friend in their tracks. Pidge’s mouth quirks up into a small smile, and they let out a sigh, leaning against their tabletop. “Sorry. I’m just...worried. And I know you hate it when people worry about you- trust me, I hate it too - but I can’t help it!”

“It’s alright. I’m grateful you aren’t as invasive with your worrying as Shiro is.”

“Y’know, he doesn’t just worry about you because you’re his brother. He worries because you’re all he has left. You can’t stay mad at him just because he left for college and decided to stay in the city instead of going back home to your shitty-ass hometown.” Pidge chastises, frowning.

“I know, Pidge. I just can’t help but be mad about the fact that he never actually told us anything. He just disappeared, Pidge. One day he just stopped calling back. We didn’t even know he was injured until the Garrison called to tell us we wouldn’t have insurance anymore because he’d resigned from the academy!”

Keith’s voice rises into a yell, and for a moment, he’s worried Shiro might have heard him, but then he remembers Shiro isn’t even home and breathes a sigh of relief. Pidge is frowning at him even deeper now, and he can tell they’re pissed with him. ‘And for good reason,’ he thinks.

“Look, yeah, that was pretty shitty. But if I know anything from what Matt’s gushed to me about Shiro, he isn’t the type of person to do something that drastic without a pretty good reason. And maybe you would know that reason if you weren’t ignoring him all the time.” They say. Keith says nothing in reply, stubbornly sticking to his grudge and not wanting to admit his friend is right. It isn’t long before Pidge gives up and changes the subject. “So, about school. What do you think?”

Keith spins idly in his desk chair. “Well...I guess I’m not really against the idea. I mean, yeah, my last school was absolutely shitty, but that was more the people who went there than the school itself. No one knows me here except you, and we’re too far away from my hometown for anyone from my past to mysteriously appear, so that’s not an issue.” He stops the movement after a bit, the spinning making him dizzy. “And I want to graduate, so I’ll have to go to school eventually. I don’t think I have the motivation for homeschool, and I don’t really wanna drop out for a GED.”

“So, I guess the easiest way to do it is just to go to school with you? I think it’ll be cool to meet those friends you’re always complaining about. I’m curious to see who else can put up with you.”

Pidge scoffs. “Oh c’mon, with Lance, it’s more about me putting up with him. He’s a pain.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“Today he kicked his shoe into the gym ceiling. He literally had to go around school with one shoe for the rest of the day because they couldn’t get it down.” Pidge says with a laugh. Keith imagines the scene with little trouble, though he doesn’t actually know what Lance looks like. He’s heard enough stories from Pidge to know quite a lot about the guy, and Pidge’s other friends, Hunk and Shay. He can’t deny that he’s wanted to meet them all in person for a while. “Wait, didn’t he do the same thing on the first day of school?” Keith asks. Pidge laughs harder. “Yeah, he did!”

Keith listens to Pidge ramble on about Lance and Hunk until they have to leave to do homework. Usually the two of them would stay on a Skype call for hours after school and do their homework together, but since Keith isn’t in school right now, he counts himself out of the equation so as to not distract his friend from their studies. “Right, like I’m not an expert in ignoring people anyways. Text me if you make a decision. That’s not a request, Emo Boy.” Pidge says, smirking. “Alright, I promise I will. Now go do your homework, shortie.” Pidge rolls their eyes and ends the call.

Later that evening, after he’s been texting Pidge ‘till past midnight before finally forcing himself to go to bed so he doesn’t pass out at his desk again, Keith finds himself thinking about the prospect of public school once again, old memories shadowing his considerations.

#to equivocate #voltron: legendary defender

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heartlikethunder · 7 years

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The Art of Healing - My Personal Initiatives to Face my Depression

I’m 22 and I have severe clinical depression as a result of many things including poor relations with my parents, school, and of course, the current political climate. I’m a pre-med and I have lots of things I want to accomplish. All of my relationships around me are becoming toxic because I keep poisoning them. And most importantly, I don’t like the person I’m starting to become. I don’t want to discuss in too much detail as to what has brought me to this point in my life, but I do want to talk about a few initiatives I’ve taken to bring me to a happier place.

A little bit about me briefly – I graduate from college with a BS in Microbiology. I don’t have a job right now because I’m taking some time off to (try) studying for the MCAT. I live at home with my parents and used to commute from my house to school. I didn’t get my license until last year – I was 21 – and even then my mom continued to drive me to and from places. Finally I don’t have many friends. Most of the people I have met are in relationships and thus their significant other is all they need or they try to push them onto their friends as well or they are interested in drinking and partying – again, not of my interest. I’ve been forced into an environment which is very isolated from the rest of the world. I spend a lot of my time in my room with little to no conversation with anyone. I’m lonely. And my goals are so far away I don’t feel like I’ve gotten closer to any of them.

Hence, I’ve started a few initiatives to help me overcome this moment in my life:

Drinking a lot of water. Water is a great healing agent and I drink many cups throughout the day – it completely revitalizes me. Avoid juice and sugary/oily foods. Keep things light and clean. Eat smaller portion sizes too to not feel “overstuffed,” which will help you to become more active and it’s easier to move around with none of that food slowing you down or jostling around in your belly.

Sleeping on time. Sleep is the foundation to easing MANY mental health related diseases or illnesses. Sleep by 10PM and try to wake up around 9AM. Don’t forget to turn you phone on silent. I have an amazing Do Not Disturb feature on my iPhone which I can set up to activate automatically during a time frame. For me I have it turn on at 7PM and shut off around 10AM/11AM. I have a really hard time going to bed because I keep thinking that I didn’t do anything today, I didn’t accomplish anything, and I dread what tomorrow will bring. You need to stop this. Some of your worst thoughts come in the darkest hours of the day. Plus the next morning when I wake up my head is pounding and aching and my eyes are puffy, sore, and bloodshot. I can barely sit straight I’m so exhausted and I become very sluggish.

PURGE. I have some much stuff I’ve accumulated that it’s literally falling all over me, all around me. My drawers are overstuffed, my craft supplies are spread out over 3 rooms, I have so many books in our “extra room,” etc. Minimalism can be very freeing and you can focus on items that you really love. I try to take the time every couple of days to purge items that I no longer love nor enjoy. I also try to organize everything so it has a proper space (a LOT of it is very unorganized) that is easy to get to and easy to put back and I try to clean my room/house. I’m definitely a stress cleaner and I love the look and smell of a clean living space.

There is a reason that your mental health has started to suffer. This can be any memory or moment in your life. It’s important for you to find those memories, address them, and start picking them apart in a positive light so you can heal. One of the things I like to do when I’m emotionally overwhelmed by something in my life is talk to myself about it and my feelings or to write down my feelings. I just leave it on my PC or in my notebook and every once in a while I will come across it and I’ll snort at just how silly I was for being so upset about something that really wasn’t that big of a deal. You can also write letters to someone else (maybe someone you feel that has wronged you or that you have wronged to help you move on). If you don’t feel comfortable talking to yourself you can also discuss your problems with a friend or a mentor (like a therapist or counselor). However, I would tread lightly with sharing with friends, because you’ll find that many of them don’t know how to “handle” your depression or some of them will leverage that information against you. They might not understand what you’re saying and they might also give you some very unhelpful advice. I’m not saying all people are like that – there are those who are better than that and their blood runs as thick as yours, but you have to be careful. You’re already in a fragile state – don’t let someone else break you into more.

I like to keep my mind busy. When I read or learn something new my brain comes alive. I like to study and learn new science, I really love to read but lately have not had the time (I’m trying to put all my energy towards MCAT studying but after I finish studying I do have a list of books I plan on reading), and I read a lot of fanfiction and pick apart the stories. I like to look at the different skills the author used to get their point across. The stories are usually shorter than a full length novel. And overall they’re intriguing and fun. Personally I read mostly Harry Potter fics (especially Drarry), but I have also read some really incredible stories in other fandoms such as Lord of the Rings, Teen Wolf (Sterek) Transformers, Teen Titans, BBC Sherlock, The Hobbit, etc. Let me know if you’d like me to share a few fic recs. Also manga – some of it is very beautiful and engaging. You can easily find translations online and flip through a couple of chapters to unwind while looking at the art.

Avoid a lot of TV. I know that a lot of my recent changes and dullness has come from all the TV rotting my brain. I’m going to lump in movies, anime, and Youtube into this as well. TV now a days is complete garbage. There is such terrible acting (while I do participate in the Teen Wolf fandom, I absolutely hate the actual TV show. There are many great actors but I don’t feel like the writing of the series gives them a chance to really blossom. My favorite is Dylan O’brien as Stiles, but lately as he has picked up new projects, I’ve noticed a change in his on-screen TV performance), horrifying plots WITH SO MANY PLOT HOLES, and the writing is just bad with multiple innuendos and profanities thrown in to make it more modern and cool. I’m also tired of the love triangles (The Shannara Chronicles made me want to cry), the poor representation of people of color, lack of depth and character development, etc. TV is just complete shit. And there are WAAAAY too many seasons of shows that should have been put to rest. I’ve mostly enjoyed Shameless (lots of great plots and subplots with tons of great character development) though that has started to wane a bit as I find some of the characters’ stories dragging and How to Get Away with Murder. I’ll occasionally watch an episode of another show here or there, but honestly, it’s all garbage. Instead take that time to read or do something else. I like movies – I mostly watch Disney – but I have noticed that when I’m bored and upset I just sit there eating and rewatching old films. While there isn’t anything wrong with that, doing that every day is going to eat away at your mental health. I feel the same way I do about anime as I do about TV shows. A lot of it is empty and honestly the classics were so much better like Fruits Basket. Finally, YouTube is an amazing community. There is so much to learn and discover on this platform. I follow a lot of channels including cooking, baking, gardening, fashion, beauty, etc. I also follow a lot of fashion/beauty bloggers. Here’s my opinion – don’t do it. A lot of them treat YouTube and their blogs as businesses. They get sent a lot of stuff for free. They’re always trying new stuff. That is their job. And realistically speaking, you cannot go out every time they rave about a new product, just because they deem it to be the best thing on the planet when you’re still in the middle of finishing your current one or already have a significant collection. Don’t do it. Also, stop watching them. They's a lot of rambling and talking about nonsense for the most part. A lot of them have very empty conversations and chatter that it’s tough to follow. Makeup doesn’t even look that great on me, and I’d never drop $100 on some silly foundation - I certainly don’t need to be watching 10 different videos on how to apply eyeshadow. I understand for many people they watch or continue to watch because it’s fun and they enjoy it. And if that is you then great, go for it – in moderation of course. However, I will say, always keep it in the back of your mind that eventually this might turn into an obsession if day in and day out this is all you’re “seeing.” Youtubers can really twist your views of the real world. I for one can personally attest to that. I have a very strong and wise head on my shoulders. I can pick up discreet social cues/messages hidden in the media and scoff at them - I’m alert and observant. But when I watch Youtubers and see many of them showcasing the same things and lifestyles repetitively, I immediately begin to think this is the way it is for many if not all girls on the planet. Suddenly spending $1000 on a Chanel bag is normal – a necessity to blossom into womanhood. Don’t forget, there are people out there scraping to make ends meet. There are plenty, if not MORE, people in the world that are living comfortable lifestyles not filled with materialistic things and spending their money wisely. Just be smart and don’t let their channels twist your perception of the world. If anyone is interested I’ll be happy to share some of the blogs I follow for outfit inspirations (I mostly just glance at the pics and never am overly obsessed with getting the same things they have on – other than Extrapetitie.com because her picks are wonderful and reasonably priced). I also find less Youtube, the less shopping I do, and less of purchasing frivolous things. On the same note when you do go shopping, tune into your inner feelings and ask yourself is this something you need and then ask yourself if you really want it. Don’t settle. Pick things that you look great in and boost your self esteem. I’m overweight and I’m also short. Aside from my stomach sticking out and having thick thighs, I also have very thick upper arms. A lot of stuff that might look great on my sister and mother (who are both a lot taller and thinner), look completely terrible on me. I always give in and get them in the end because my mother emotionally blackmails me into it, but I don’t enjoy wearing them and they make me feel like shit. I’ve recently acquired a few new pieces that I think are much better suited for myself and will be wearing those from now on. If you dress well, and you feel good in what you’re wearing, and if you look good, you’ll feel good.

Take walks – nature can unwind you. I walk a round around my neighborhood. I think all together it is roughly 1.2 miles? There is also a very small park with a swingset in the middle that I like to stop at and swing away till my heart is content. This is when I listen to the new music I’ve discovered and come up with story ideas. Try to hit the gym. Sweat out the negativity in your life and I promise you, not only will your brain feel better, but you’ll physically look and feel a lot better too. Just get out of the house. This is a bit trickier for me because of my poor driving skills and my parents don’t let me go out much. When I do go out it’s mostly for groceries. I don’t enjoy eating out that much, but going out to eat a small something at a restaurant can be a very relaxing experience. Don’t feel like you HAVE to go with someone or that you have HAVE to eat a heavy/full meal. A lot of restaurants also have great rewards programs or newsletters you can sign up for to help you save on costs if you are in a financial pinch. Olive Garden always seems to be bringing around their famous pasta deal and fast food places such as Baskin Robbins have great promotions such as on the 31st of the month, each scoop of ice cream is $1.31. It’s not a bad deal for a casual outing to treat yo self and freshen up. The general consensus is to take care of yourself and relax. Something I do on my personal time is give myself a skincare treatment at night - a lovely facial with a facial massage, masks, etc.

I love to write but I haven’t written in forever and I don’t have a lot of unique ideas/prompts. I do have one novelesque fanfic idea that I’m really excited and crazy about. I’m slowly and diligently writing it, but I still want to keep improving my writing and brush up on my writing skills during the in between. I suggest finding a fandom that you love – and if you can’t I highly recommend the Harry Potter fandom, because it’s huge and there are so many more opportunities here than other fandoms in my personal opinion – and write prompts and challenges. There are a ton of communities dedicated to prompts, challenges, gift exchanges, fic fests, etc. If you’re interested let me know – I have a huge list of some popular Harry Potter fests and such. Also, join and follow users who are active in the fandom as they too will sometimes offer opportunities to join networks or challenges they have created. There is a user who has created a drarry valentine’s fic exchange which is so cute and I recently started nooreva’s trope bingo for femslash february. I’ve also claimed a fic prompt from HP kink fest. They’re not too time sensitive, and there is enough direction to help me from feeling lost, but still enough room for creativity to explore my writing. Let me know if you’d like any writing advice as well. I’m thinking of trying to get back into poetry while I’m here.

I picked up some “pen pals.” It’s very new to me and I’m incredibly nervous. Snailmail revolution is huge right now, where people all over the world send attractive letters to one another and with it small goodies such as stickers, stationary, etc. I found a few people through Tumblr and Instagram for now. I have no idea how this is going to go because I don’t have money to be buying cute stationary and gifts – I’m already going to be spending a decent bit on stamps because I have picked up A LOT of pen pals to keep me busy – but I’m trying to keep on a positive note. It’s honestly very fun to get personal mail and to peek in and see all the lovely things people might have sent. I have written one letter so far and I did a lot of doodling, homemade stickers, and printing. I’ll keep you all posted on my experience as other letters start to come in. There is also a group that is focused on craftier snailmail that I’m a member of. It’s called pretty postal swap and I LOVE it. They have a theme every month and you exchange letters with other members based on that theme. Of course the goal is to be crafty so it’s a bit of a mix of scrapbooking and cardmaking. It’s a lot of fun. Some of the pics I have seen do appear to be a bit more upscale than what I can commit to right now, but I’m hoping it will go well. This is my first month trying it and the theme is an icy cold snowy envelope, with a warm and cozy card inside. I decided to create a simple snowy backdrop on my envelope with a shadow of a row of houses. For the cozy interior I made a homemade card with a sketch of an image on the front that I colored with colored pencils, I printed out some journaling cards of polar bears and some cute sweater designs, I printed some teacups which I colored with colored pencils and made them into homemade stickers which I placed into envelopes made from this gorgeous teal birdie wrapping paper, I’m going to be throwing in a bag of berry tea, and finally, I made a simple tag of a polar bear wearing a sweater. The final result is obviously homemade and I’m not sure what the group is going to think of it, but I have my fingers crossed and I put in a lot of time and effort into my final product. I also am a huge lover of scrapbooking and cardmaking, and while I do get a hefty fix of it via my snailmail art, there are tons of swaps and swap groups you can join as well. You can swap pocket letters, tags, tag books, embellishments, etc. I applied to join one but I cannot seem to recall the name or find the original sign up page. I believe they will be emailing me to confirm if I’ve been accepted but not sure about this one yet. If you’re curious to see what snailmailrevolution is I highly suggest looking up the #snailmailrevolution on instragram. If anyone wants to check out some youtube videos on the idea and what some of the packages look like in greater depth, let me know and I can share some links.

Finally I’ve also really gotten into doodling. I’m a terrible artist – my proportions are all over the place, but I’ve found myself enjoying following along with youtube doodlers and then sitting down and coloring them in. I’ve done quite a few already for my pen pal letters and would be happy to share some of the channels I follow for help and inspiration. To help me explore this new interest, I’ve joined the #doodlewithus challenge on instagram hosted by @alexandra_plans and @christina77star. Basically every month there is a daily challenge with an overall theme of what you should try to draw that day. For February the theme is space and every day we will be drawing a specific planet, space ships, rockets, etc. it’s so lovely and takes hardly any time. I highly recommend joining in the fun.

Volunteer - give your time to someone else. Focus on becoming humble. Look at the life people are living around you and learn to appreciate what you have. I personally work at a nonprofit clinic on some Sundays where I work in patient discharge in filing and scanning in patient records into the charting software. Personally I would prefer something more rewarding, but it’s very flexible and such an easy commitment. Turn your negatives in to positives. Give daily affirmations a try. I tried it myself but it was a little awkward and uncomfortable giving myself pep talks. However it is still a very powerful tool and I would recommend it. You could also try daily thanks and make a list of what you’re thankful for which is something a little more up my alley.

So those are some new things I’m going to be trying out. I’ll give you an update in a few weeks after getting some responses and testing things out. It seems like a lot of stuff and in hindsight it is, but I think this is a great way to fill in some of those quiet hours in between my studying. This is by no means a definitive list. There are clearly some things I need to be work on or have in my life that I haven’t addressed in my list such as actual in person human contact, but it’s just not possible for me at this time. I also know a lot of people will redirect my in getting a job, but the MCAT is a beast, and if I can have the time to study for it distraction free and comfortably, with only that exam in mind, I’ll gladly take it. Some of these things might not work for you at all, this will not CURE you by any means, but it’s a start and hopefully will give you some new ideas to try and to expand your horizon. In the future I would like to get back into watercoloring, take swimming lessons and learn to properly swim (I finished up to level 4 or 5 – I stopped just short of the actual swimming part because I had trouble keeping my form), try a pottery class (I took a one day workshop at my school and it was amazing and frustrating. I would really love to go back and learn how to throw on the wheel properly), and maybe join a bookclub.

#depression #healing #mental health

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