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#ill be okay just that time of year i think.....the depressive months

thewriterg · 1 year

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𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞

paring(s): Miles Morales x fem!reader, Miles morales x spidey!reader

summary: you were two months pregnant and it was only a matter of time before you had to stop hiding the child growing inside you and tell your boyfriend miles little did you know he has his own surprise for you as well

word count: 1.3k

request: Hi, can I ask for a, Miles Morales x pregnant reader please. Where reader is pregnant with Miles baby. She doesn't know how to tell him because she is skared that he's going to leave her and the baby. She doesn't realize that he knows and that he can hear the baby's heartbeat and not just hers. Just the rest love and fluf please. You can write the rest however you want. If you can do this thank you, if not that is ok.

warning(s): pregnancy, some tears, hormones, kisses, pet names, just a pinch of perinatal depression, I’m thinking this can be college-ish set, pet names, fluff, drinking while pregnant (a glass of wine is okay!), and language

A/n:—GIFs; @dailymilesmorales— I had to set my little angst whore brain aside for this and kept rewriting to make sure it was more happy than sad

Miles watched You in awe as you lied in bed staring at the feeling you were glowing under the late sunlight that seeped through the curtains of your shared bedroom Your was shiny, your nails were growing out, and your skin

that damn skin

“Hey love, I’m gonna go out on patrol for a little while” Miles had brought himself to your side of the bed down on both knees to get down to eye level with you as you let out a small breath before replying

“Okay, I’m sorry I can’t go with you” You felt beyond guilty for lying to your boyfriend this long he’d been taking up your shifts to patrol the city and holding you tight when you needed the comfort

What you had been telling him hadn’t necessarily been a lie you were feeling sick and the running to the bathroom every morning at the crack of dawn for the past two weeks was enough to prove it but you weren’t really telling him or anyone for that matter the full story

“Don’t apologize, ill be back soon okay?” Miles reassured you with that warm smile of his pressing a kiss to the tip of your nose as you nodded and soon enough the brunette was out the door on the way to protect the city

You finally decided to get up heading to your bathroom as you ducked to the cabinets level pushing aside the cleaning supplies and razors to wear two individually wrapped pregnancy test lied flat

You had already took some plenty actually that had all gave you the same results in someway

Two pink lines

or a

blue positive

You unwrapped them both carefully making sure not to tamper with anything even though deep down you knew it was true and that you were pregnant

You sat on the toilet as you went through the process you had many times before as you found yourself staring at the wall waiting as the timer on your phone silently ticked away the remaining time left

You would be more than overjoyed if you didn’t have the voice in the back of your head taunting and chastising you for even hoping Miles would stay with you and raise your baby together why would he you’ve been together merely four years your anniversary was three months from now

Or it would’ve been. Your little family would’ve been something breathtakingly beautiful.

You stared at yourself in the mirror a hand over your belly you weren’t showing but nonetheless it was a little version of you growing inside it and it made your heart squeeze in your chest

You slipped off your clothes and turned the knob to the hot water of your shower to sweep your thoughts clean you would tell Miles when he got back from patrol and would take care of your baby on your own if it came down to it

💌💌💌💌

Miles didn’t know what to do.

It was around two to three weeks ago that he heard something out of the ordinary, way out the ordinary.

He was lying next to your sleeping figure with an arm thrown across your hip draping over your stomach when he heard little rhythmic beats in the drums of his ears usually yours sounded more… lively and vibrant these ones were soft and dainty

Miles listened a little harder and he could hear both beats at the same time lively, vibrant, soft and dainty finally the realization had took his breath away

He was going to be a dad

you were going to be a mom

you had a family

Miles was so close to waking you up to engulf you whole and prepare kisses around your face but he settled you must have been tired carrying around the news of having a child growing inside you and maybe you wanted to surprise him he didn’t want to ruin that for you or himself so he waited

And waited

Now it was two weeks later and Miles was still trying to let you tell you on your own he tried to gently encourage you with warm smiles and checking up on you more than he usually would to the point where he thought it was overbearing

The only reason the man knew you were aware is when he offered you a glass of wine your favorite wine and all you did was take a sip leaving the cup deserted

The only reason Miles would confront you tonight is because he was simply worried for you and the baby’s health you hadn’t been to the doctor and the brunette didn’t want to wait too long to go

So he swung to the corner shop leaving with a dozen of white roses and some of your favorite snacks you enjoyed in a bag waiting to get home to you

💌💌💌💌

You sat on the couch your leg bouncing up and down in anticipation as you waited for your boyfriend to come back home you had six pregnancy test on tucked under your thigh playing with your hands in your lap

You finally heard the window beside you as you watched your boyfriend climb through the window of your home his suit skin tight on his body book bag residing on his back

you would miss seeing him like this

“Hey… how was patrol?” You questioned timidly and Miles would be lying if he said he weren’t surprised to see you out of bed

“Hi lovie it was good, calm surprisingly.” The boy responded as he sat on the couch next to you sliding the straps of his bad off his shoulders

“I got something for you”

You both chuckled at your in sync comment as you nodded for Miles to continue he didn’t speak he just reached in his bag before pulling out a bouquet of white roses and some of your favorite snack you had been eating on the last few weeks

“Thank you baby, your so thoughtful” The lump in your throat was more prominent that ever as you zoomed in on the feeling of the plastic test under your thigh

“Now what’s my surp-” Miles sentence was cut short as you shoved the test in his lap some facing up some facing down all of the saying the same result that you were pregnant

“I’m pregnant two months, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but I-I was scared and I’m still scared and it’s okay if you want to leave I can do it by myself and-” This time you were cut short of your sobbing speech as Miles held your face In his hands his heart practically ripped in his chest as you sniffled heavy trying to keep your tears in your eyes for him to break up with you

“Oh sweetheart, im not going anywhere you hear me? I’m so glad you told me baby I’m so proud of you and I can’t wait to raise our baby together” Miles shushed you as you sobbed harder face pressed against his shoulder his suit soaking up your tears

“I’m so sorry it took me so long” You sniffled and Miles hugged you close rubbing small soothing circles on your back

“I’m just glad you told me okay? I’m so glad you told me baby” The brunette whispered running a hand over your hair smoothing it out as you began to fall asleep in his warm embrace

Miles would choose another day to tell you that he knew all this time but for now he would settle with holding you close in his arms and rubbing your belly

He held his world in his hands

#miles molares #miles morales x reader #miles morales x you #miles morales x y/n #spiderman #spiderman x reader #spider man x y/n #spider man x you #romance #fluff #fem!reader #the avengers #avengers x reader #avengers x you #i love you #thewriterg #2023

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shankss-magnificent-ass · 5 months

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Imagine the red hair pirates helping you with your depression

Unfortunately, it's that time of year when seasonal depression, and regular depression team up and beat my ass. So new content will come slower than usual, and I'm sorry about that, but appreciate your patience and understanding.

Shanks: *enters your room* are you gonna get up anytime soon.

You: *in a cocoon of blankets* I don't want to.

Shanks: *stares at you for a minute* are you okay?

You: no

Shanks: should I get Hongo?

You: there's nothing he can do for me.

Shanks: *thinks back to Roger's illness* ... What sort of illness do you have exactly?

You: depression,

Shanks: oh... Well staying in bed isn't going to help

You: I don't have the energy to get out of bed

Shanks: then let me do it for you, *scoops up your cocoon and carries you outside* sun light ought to do you a lotta good.

Hongo: what's going on?

Shank: they're depressed.

Hongo: oh, I have just the thing for that *goes into his office*

Benn: hmm, I suffered from depression as a young man.

You: back in the Stone Age?

Benn: *playfully rolls his eyes* yes, back in the Stone Age. My life kind of fell apart because I couldn't care for myself. I could not wash my clothes, or bath, or brush my teeth.

Shanks: that explains the state of their room then.

Benn: elaborate

Shanks: their laundry bin was overflowing, trash on the floor, and the whole room was dark and smelt bad.

Benn: ... Cleaning it would probably help them recover.

Shanks: would you go evaluate the room and see what needs to be done.

Benn: we're probably gonna have to clean it top to bottom, I will go get some volunteers.

Hongo: *comes back* no I need you to eat these supplements, and this mushroom.

Benn: how come they get to have some of your hallucinogens.

Hongo: multiple studies have shown they're very effective at treating depression long term and because they're mine, and I get to decide who to give them to.

Shanks: *pulls open your cocoon, and hands you a cup of water.*

While you are tripping

The crew: * cleans your room, does your laundry, and puts said laundry away*

Hongo: I think the main cause is seasonal depression, they were fine a month ago when the light was at its fullest.

Shanks: hmm, would installing another window in their room help?

Hongo: probably.

Shanks: okay, while the shipwright does that, (y/n) can stay in my room.

Benn: you just wanna fuck them.

Shanks: A few orgasms would probably do them some good. Plus I can help them better if they're close to me.

Hongo: he's right, but you need to make sure you're not taking advantage of them.

Lucky Roux: we also need to make sure they're eating, I noticed a while ago that they're only having one meal a day.

You: eating is inconvenient, and having a corporeal body is like being stuck with a pet you don't want.

Shanks: *pulls your head into his lap and strokes your hair and shushes you* sh sh sh, I know darling, I know.

Hongo: we should also make sure they exercise more, in fact we all should.

Benn: we can take up daily training practice.

Shanks: totally

You: I dun wanna

Benn: well I expect you to at least try it out for a week, if it doesn't help then you can quit.

You: really?

Benn: no

You: aww

Benn: we'll find a nice activity you like, or don't mind.

You: ugh fine

Shanks: thank you

You: ... You have pretty eyes, kinda like storm clouds

Shanks: we should get you high more often.

You: do we have any music snails?

Shanks: *pulls out his collection of Uta's music* Yes we do.

List of Up-and-coming works || Masterlist || Twitter

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#one piece #one piece x reader #one piece imagine #akagami no shanks #red haired shanks #red hair pirates #benn beckman #lucky roux #hongo #from the depths of the dragon's hoard #tma original #11/15/23 #no beta we die like men

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ellies-little-thing · 4 months

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Want you back (e.w.)

*not my images, but i edited them

My masterlist <3

pairing: modern!ellie / fem!reader

Warnings: NSFW; angst; fluf; smut; reader is referred to as she/her; reader has a vagina; cheatting; drinking; use of marijuana; strap!usage reader!receaving; cunilingus; mature content; very explicit; Kind of proofread, English is not my first language.

Author's notes: Hi! i had a blast writing this one! I hope you like it, I really liked writing it! Feedback is always welcome and likes and reblogs are always encouraged! Thank you! Enjoy!

word count: 21.6k

Inspired by this 5SOS song <3

MEN AND MINORS DNI! ( I'll find you, and ill kill you. So... )

You and Ellie broke up a few months ago. You dated for almost half a year before she cheated on you. She was the one who broke up with you though. She had never told you why she had done it. You tried to forget about it but it was really hard. Because of the break up, you haven’t felt like yourself. The depression was kicking in and your friends were starting to get worried about you.

You haven’t really gone out, met other girls or anything for a while, so when your friends drag you to a frat party, you hesitate if you should go. But when you get to the party. You see her. Ellie. She’s talking to some girl, but then she sees you. She has the girl under her arm as she's drinking. She was wearing her usual go-to outfit, a wife beater with ripped skinny jeans and her black converse with her hair in a half bun.

You try to ignore her and keep talking to your friends. As you turn away from her, you can feel her stare. It’s piercing through you, but you keep ignoring her, that is until she walks over to you and taps on your shoulder. You look back, a bit annoyed, already knowing it is her. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” She asks, but her voice hints more at an order than a question.

You roll your eyes, but go with her into a more private place and with less noise. She leads you away from the party to some random hallway. You don't know why you keep letting yourself into these situations again and again. She waits until you’re both alone before she begins to talk. “Look, it’s been a few months since the breakup and I think we need to talk.” She says as she crosses her arms and looks you straight in the eye.

“About what?” You ask crossing your arms as well, getting uncomfortable from being this close to her again after so long.

“About the breakup.” She says as she walks closer to you. “We were together for so long, I feel like just breaking up was a mistake.” She says as she comes up to you. “I think we need to get back together.” You’re speechless. All this time thinking she hates you, but in reality she misses you. She wanted you back.

“You were the one who cheated, not me.” You say bluntly, looking at her.

A wave of embarrassment washes over her face, as she looks down at the ground.

“I know.” She says as she looks back up at you. “But I miss you, I realized no one else makes me feel like you make me feel.” You could smell the alcohol from her breath.

“I'm tired Ellie.” You say uncrossing your arms and leaning against the wall. Ellie frowns a little and looks at the ground for a few moments. After a bit, she looks right into your eyes. “Please just give me another chance.” She says as she looks desperate and a little heartbroken.

“Why should I?” You ask her, getting angry now.

“Because I love you.” Ellie says as she steps closer to you, so you can feel the warmth of her body. “I made a mistake, okay? But I can’t imagine being with anyone else. Please just give me another chance.” She says as she stands mere inches from you. She smells of her cologne you missed so much, but there is something else. She smells of pot. By the way she slurs her words you realize she's probably high as well.

“You were just now having loads of fun with that girl you were with…” You say crossing your arms again and looking at her annoyed, trying to get some distance between you.

“She’s just a friend.” Ellie says as she looks away from you, feeling a bit embarrassed. “I wasn’t really having fun. I would much rather be here, with you.” She leans in closer to you until you can feel her warm breath on your neck. “Come on…” She says as she looks at you with teary eyes. “We were so good together.” She speaks in a low and raspy tone knowing how it affects you.

You stay still, looking at her with your arms crossed as she speaks. Ellie notices your body language and looks at you with worry. You aren't reacting like you used to. “Please don’t stay angry, just give me another chance.” She repeats. Her voice sounded more pleading and desperate instead of angry. She leans in closer again until she’s practically pressed up against you. She places a gentle hand on the side of your face, as she looks you directly in the eyes. “Please, my sweetheart.” She whispers.

“I'm your sweetheart now?” You ask with a “are you serious” vibe.

“Always have been.” She says as she looks directly into your eyes without blinking. She places her other hand on the back of your head and begins to stroke your hair. She’s practically right on top of you, pressing herself as close to you as possible, so you can feel her body against yours. “Please babe, just give me another chance...” She whispers in your ear.

You melted when she called you ‘babe’, that's what she would always call you before. You can't really get away since she backed you into the wall. “You're drunk Ellie...” You look away from her face trying to hide your blush.

“Just give me another chance...” She repeats, her voice still pleading and desperate as her hands are starting to move, caressing your body. She looks at you, her cheeks are red with embarrassment, her eyes glazed with sadness and longing. “Please, I’ll do anything to make this up to you.” She whispers as she kisses you gently on the cheek and then on your neck. You can feel your body starting to give in to her touch but you try to resist her. You feel her giving you some more kisses as her hands start to go into more intimate areas. She grabs your ass and gives it a good squeeze. You can feel your panties starting to get wet. You forgot how good she could make you feel. As her hand starts going up, under your dress, you realize what she really wants and you stop her.

“Ellie stop.” You say as you feel her kisses on your skin. You missed her and they felt good but she was drunk. She didn't mean anything she had just said. She just wanted to fuck you. Ellie stops kissing you and leans away from you just enough for her lips to be off of you, but she is still close so that she’s pressed up against you. She looks you in the eyes. Her breath heavy from her kissing and you can feel her chest slowly rising and falling. She still looks at you with a pleading look. Just waiting for you to say something. She grabs you by your waist as the other hand still travels under your skirt, looking at your lips. You get away from her grasp. “You don't just get to do that and think I'll come running back into your arms.” You look at her with a bit of anger in your eyes as you pull your dress down. Ellie looks at you as if you just stabbed her right in the heart. She slowly shakes her head at you and sighs. She crosses her arms over her chest and she looks down at the ground. She stays like this for a few seconds before finally speaking. “I understand. I just wanted you back, but I guess I can't make things right.”

“If you weren't drunk every time you tried that, maybe i'd believe you.” You say with a sadness in your voice. Her heart skips a beat when she hears the sadness in your voice. But she doesn’t allow the thought of her hurting and disappointing you to distract her. Because she has to be strong. So she keeps her gaze at the floor and responds: “Yeah, you’re right.” She sighs and lets her eyes travel around the floor, before they rest on her feet for a few seconds. “Good night Ellie, have fun with your date.” You say almost crying as you walk back to your friends. You move through the crowd still thinking about her.

The pain in her stomach grows exponentially as she sees you walk away from her. Without realizing it, she makes a fist as she stands there. She is angry at herself. She stays there for a few seconds, hoping that you’ll come back to her. Hoping that you’ll change your mind and give her another chance, but you never turn around. She just feels her whole world crumble apart. But instead of showing her sadness, she keeps the image of the tough girl she wants to be. She crosses her arms and sighs. “Goodbye.” She whispers.

You hear her but just continue walking. She stays there, trying to compose herself. But the disappointment and sadness from seeing that you didn’t look back is too much for her. She goes into the bathroom and locks the door and she just breaks down emotionally. She starts crying uncontrollably. You decided to go home, as it was getting really late. You say your goodbyes and start leaving the party. Ellie calmed herself down and came out, her mind going into a whirlwind. She was heartbroken and defeated. As you leave, she doesn’t even notice you or anything around her anymore. She just stands there next to the girl she was with again, staring at the void in her mind. She doesn’t speak or move. She just stands there.

You walk home and when you arrive you lay in bed sad, because of Ellie's behavior. As you lay down on your bed, your thoughts take over. You think about everything Ellie said and everything that happened at the party. Your heart hurts as you think about how she reacted.

You feel a mix of many different emotions: sadness, anger, frustration, and a little bit of hope. You can’t shake off the feeling that she’s being sincere when she says that she misses you. That she doesn’t want to be with anyone else, but she always had a new girl under her arm when you saw her. Your heart sinks again when you think about those girls. You don’t know why she always does that. She just acts like nothing happened between you two around other people. She acts like it didn’t mean anything to her. How can she act like this? Like you two never were together? Your thoughts and emotions are a whirlwind. You don’t know what to feel and even though your mind is racing, you feel tired.

She says she misses you but only talks to you when she's drunk or high, or both. The thought of her being drunk and high everytime she wants to talk to you is eating away at you.

She only approaches when she is not sober. She only talks to you when she is not in a sound mind. This realization makes you wonder, ‘Do these encounters have any real meaning?’ You’re in pain because you’re hoping that she actually misses you and these encounters have real meaning. You wish she came to you when she was sober and didn’t only talk to you when she was under the influence. You lie in your bed, trying to relax and trying to sleep. But you can’t shake off the feelings of sadness and disappointment that you still have. You try to keep your mind occupied, you try to tell yourself that you don’t need her, but you can’t hide the fact that your heart still hurts over the whole situation.

A few days later, you’re going about your life, but the thoughts of Ellie are still lingering in your mind. You feel like you can’t forget about her. It’s like something is missing in your life ever since she left. You try to fill that void with other people, but nothing really worked. You still think about her, and your thoughts always lead to sadness and longing. You tried talking to a girl for some time but you didn't really feel a connection. You’ve tried talking to other girls and going out a few times, but you didn’t really feel a connection with any of them either. They’re not like Ellie. They don’t give you that same type of happiness and excitement. They don’t make you feel the way Ellie did. You can’t help but feel disappointed every time you try to find someone new. Ellie always looked happy and content every time you saw her. She was never alone. Always with some random girl or with her friends that were a really bad influence on her. She missed you truly, and was sorry for what she put you through, but she was too proud to talk to you sober. She was too proud to even be seen talking to you altogether.

You are walking to class when you suddenly bump into someone. When you look up, you see Ellie. You’re shocked to see her. You don’t know what to say, so you just stare at her. Ellie is surprised to see you too, she also doesn’t know what to say. Both of you just stare at each other without saying anything, not sure what to do. You look away and continue walking. You don’t know what else to do. You don’t want to talk to her, but you’re also not sure how you would react if she came to talk to you. You can’t stop thinking about her, even though the whole interaction was only a few seconds. You feel disappointed with yourself because you couldn’t even have a conversation with her. You just walked away. Looking at her, only reminds you of the past relationship, a time where you were happy. But that’s all gone now. It hurts too much. She's gone, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You can only move on. But even after all this time, it still hurts. Every time you look at her, you remember how much you loved her. And it just hurts so much. She looks at you as you walk away. She watches you from afar with a look of sadness and pain on her face. You can tell she was wishing that you stayed and talked to her. That you gave her hope that things could change. But you didn’t. You walked away from her without even saying a word. She’s left with the pain of knowing that you’re not coming back.

Later that night, you receive a text message from Ellie. You look at it with curiosity, but you also feel afraid about what she could text you about. Maybe she’s texting you to yell at you for not talking to her. Or, maybe she will just tell you that she doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. You open the text message, not knowing what to expect. You read the text message from Ellie. “Can I talk to you? Like, right now?”

“Why? About what?” You respond, not really thinking it through.

She sends another text message. “Can you just come over so we can talk?” She seems desperate. She sounds like she’s feeling anxious too.

“Why should i? Just so you can hurt me some more?” You reply a few minutes later.

She replies quickly. She sounds really upset. “Please just come over. I really need to talk to you.”

You sigh and think for another few minutes. The thoughts of her hurting you again are going through your head. The sadness of the whole situation and the disappointment. You don’t want this whole situation to happen again. Yet, you also are filled with curiosity. What does she have to say?

“I'll be there in 30.” You respond, knowing this won’t go well.

About half an hour later, you’re at her house. You’ve been thinking about what she could have to say the whole walk there. She probably just wants to tell you that she wants nothing to do with you. Or something like that. Either way, you’re going to be hearing her say something disappointing again. You knock on the door. You’re a little nervous, but you’re expecting the worst, anyway. After a few seconds of waiting, the door opens. Ellie is standing behind the door staring at you. She hasn’t said a word. She is just staring at you, just like you are staring at her.

You stare at her in the eyes and for a few long seconds, none of you say a word. All you can think in your head is: “Just say something already, just get this over with.” Because you didn’t say anything, she stepped aside to let you come in. At this point you’re really starting to wish that you had just ignored her text. You’re starting to think that this whole thing might be a bigger deal than you thought. You step into her house and look around. Her house was always messy but this was more than messy, it was like a tornado went by. Cans of beer all over the counters, boxes of take out food, clothes everywhere. The silence between you two feels awkward and uncomfortable. You can’t stop thinking that your heart beats faster each time you think about what she wants to talk about.

You stand there waiting for her to say what she wanted to say. Ellie continues to stare at you with a pleading and sad look. For a few seconds, it feels like this moment will last forever. She still hasn’t said anything. She doesn’t explain why she wants to talk to you. But she just continues staring with that pleading look in her eyes. “Why did you want to talk to me?” You finally break the silence, asking this in an annoyed tone.

Ellie swallows and finally speaks: “I wanted to talk to you because…” She hesitates to continue speaking. It feels like she’s having a hard time getting her words out. But she knows she has to say something.

“I don't know why I came…” You whisper. Feeling disappointed in her and in yourself as well. She hears what you say and she looks down at her feet for a few seconds before she finally finds the courage. You watch in fascination as her cheeks get a little red and her body trembles slightly. “I…” She struggles to get her words out. She doesn’t know how to say it. So after a long pause, she suddenly blurts it out: “I miss you.”

“You always say that.” You look at her crossing your arms. She looks back at you with tears in her eyes now, she can barely look at you anymore. “I know, and I’m sorry. But I really missed you.” She sounds like she can’t believe you’re still there. She was so sure that you wouldn’t believe her, that you wouldn’t want anything to do with her anymore. She couldn’t stop wishing that you didn’t come. Because of how disappointed she is in herself. She is disappointed in herself that she hurt someone she genuinely loved.

You look at her and see her eyes are a bit red. She wipes away a few tears from her eyes and continues to look at you. You can see the sadness in her eyes. The sadness of someone who truly missed what you guys had. She can’t believe she threw it all away. She knows that everything she’s feeling, it’s her fault. She shouldn’t hurt people like this and she’s fully aware of it. Her heart hurts, because she knows she needs to do better. You look at the coffee table and at the blunt that she just put out on the ashtray. She looked at you and suddenly remembered that she’s not supposed to be smoking anymore. “It’s been tough on me... I miss you a lot and these cigs... they kinda help me, I guess.” You can hear the sadness in her voice. It’s like she’s asking you to understand. “I cant believe youre high again.” You pinch the bridge of your nose.

Her head jerks back a little and she raises her voice in defense when you accuse her of being high again. “I’m not high!” She says, but the way she says it makes her sound pretty guilty. She doesn’t want to admit it, but she’s not doing a very good job. Her eyes seem slightly hazy and the smell of pot is starting to linger in the air. You pick up your bag and start walking to the front door. You can't even look at her anymore. She watches as you do. She’s almost pleading with her eyes, hoping that you’d stay. She knows that she screwed up big time, and she’s desperate to fix it. She doesn’t know if you’ll forgive her and give her another chance. She’s just wishing that you’ll let her make it up to you. But you don’t stop walking and are about to leave.

You look at her one last time before opening the door. You can tell she wants you to say something. She wants you to turn around, she wants you to stay. But you don’t. You don’t say anything just like last time. You just leave, breaking this girl’s heart. She stares at the door for a few long seconds, hoping that you’ll return. That you wouldn’t leave her like this. But you do end up leaving and she is left alone, broken and hopeless. You close the door and start crying as you walk back home. The moment you close that door, you can feel something inside you break. You’re sad and heartbroken all over again. You cry the whole walk back home. The pain is overwhelming and it feels like your whole world is falling apart again. You don’t even remember crying this much when you two broke up. But that hurt in a different way, like she was tearing your heart out and throwing it away. Now, it feels like it hurts more because she cares about you still. That she really does want to fix what she threw away.

You get home and walk to your bedroom. You fall onto your bed, the thought of her weighing heavily on your mind. You lay down, thinking about everything that’s happened. You can’t stop thinking about how it seemed like she wanted to change, and yet, you gave her no chance. You didn’t take her invitation to fix things. The pain that you’re feeling is overwhelming, and you try not to cry. You hear your phone buzz and look at your screen. It’s a text message from Ellie. You pick it up and read it. “Please come back. We need to talk. I know I messed up and I don’t expect you to forgive me. But I really want to fix this and make up for what I did. Please just give me a chance. I love you.”

“If you did, you wouldn't text me when you're high, again.” You know that she was high, but you keep thinking about the words. “I love you.” You know that she was high, but you could see sadness in her eyes when you were at her place. She actually wanted to make things right. Sure, you’re disappointed in her for being high yet again. But you still feel something in those words, like she actually means what she said.

“If you really want to talk, then you come over. I'm not going there again.” You think about what she says. She wants you to come to her. She doesn’t want to come to you. She’s asking you to put in the effort again. Never her. Maybe she’s too insecure to come and see you because she might be afraid of being rejected. She is afraid that you might turn her away again. Maybe this time she’s trying to show how much she really wants to fix this. Maybe she’s trying to prove that she actually loves you. She replies back with: “Fine, I’ll come to you.” Your heart starts beating faster, not only because she’s coming over, but also because she actually agreed to come to you. The thought is making you anxious and nervous. The thought of actually seeing her again scares you. You’re not sure how things will go, but part of you is hoping that they end well. You are sitting on the couch, anxiously waiting. For the next few seconds every noise you hear makes you jump, thinking it’s her. Your heart beats fast, your stomach is filled with butterflies. You can’t stop checking the time, feeling like every second an eternity.

You hear a knock on the door. Your heart suddenly starts beating even faster. Your body trembles slightly, and your mouth starts to dry. You get up and hesitantly walk over to the door. You twist the handle and open the door slowly. You see Ellie standing there. She’s staring at you with a look of remorse and sadness. You can tell she’s really nervous. You step out of the way and let her in. You walk back over to the couch and sit down, still feeling anxious and nervous. When she closes the door and comes inside, she walks over and sits next to you on the couch. She sits quite close, her arm almost touching yours. You just can't look at her, you just wait for her to talk. The silence between you two feels awkward and uncomfortable. You’re too nervous to look at her, you feel a wave of anxiety wash over you as you wait for her to speak. She’s sitting directly next to you, almost touching your arm with hers, and yet she’s quiet, waiting for you to be the one to start talking.

You scoot a bit further away from her, so you two are not so close anymore. She notices that you move away from her, but she doesn’t comment on it. Instead, she just stares at you, waiting for you to say something. Your lack of eye contact is making her feel insecure and nervous. She can feel the walls you built up between you two starting to rebuild higher and higher. The silence gets too much for her and she finally says something: “I’m so sorry for what I did... for hurting you like I did. I was being stupid, and I didn’t realize how much my actions would hurt you.” She sounds really remorseful and like she means every word of what she’s saying. She’s really taking accountability for her actions and seems genuinely sorry.

The fact that she finally took responsibility for her actions and is actually apologizing to you is making you feel really emotional. You can feel the tears forming in your eyes, but you still can’t look at her. She just told you how much she hurt you, but at the same time you’re reminded of how much you still care about her. “You treated me like shit.” You say as you start crying. Ellie looks away from you when you bring up the way she treated you. She knows that she deserves it and that she screwed up. “I know, I know I did. I’m sorry, I really am. I truly didn’t realize how much I hurt you. I was being stupid and selfish.”

“At least you're admitting it…” You say in a disappointed tone. She doesn’t even fight back. She doesn’t even try to justify what she did. She truly is taking responsibility for her actions. She knows she hurt you badly and is taking it all in. She is just hoping that you’ll forgive her eventually. “I know that I screwed up, and this might not mean much coming from me, but I just want to try again. I just want us to try and fix this.”

“I still don't understand why you started treating me that way.” You say with a trembling voice. Ellie looks at you, finally making eye contact, and tries to answer your question. “I guess... I guess the reason I started treating you that way was because I didn’t realize how much I valued our relationship. When I first broke up with you, I thought I wasn’t going to miss you or be hurt, but it hit me way harder than I expected it to. I know you still have every right to be frustrated with me, but I hope you can understand that I didn’t mean to hurt you that badly.”

“But the worst thing was when I found out you were cheating on me. I can't forgive that.” You say, reliving the moment when you found out in your head. Ellie looks away when you bring up the betrayal of the cheating. You can tell she truly feels bad about it. “I know... I know I really screwed up with that. And I get it if you can’t forgive me for that either. I guess... I don’t really want to make excuses, but I was just so lost in the world of partying and going out, that my thoughts weren’t very clear. I didn’t really think about anyone but myself, and I regret that decision more than you can imagine.”

Your tears immediately bring out a look of sadness and guilt from Ellie. As soon as she notices that you’re crying, she grabs your face. She wipes your tears with her thumbs and looks you in the eyes. “Please don’t cry, I’m so sorry. I’ll do anything to make things right between us. Just give me a chance.” You cover your face with your hands and continue to cry. She can’t stand to see you like this. She wipes away your tears again and pulls you into a hug. She holds you tightly, not letting go. “Please, please don’t cry... I know what I did was horrible, and I’m so sorry, but I’ll do anything to make this right. Just please tell me there’s still a chance for us.”

“I don't know, I have to think.” Ellie lets go of you when you say that. She seems like she finally realized the full gravity of her actions and how badly she messed up. She gets quiet, waiting for you to respond to her question. “Please, take your time. I don’t expect you to just forgive me immediately. Just, please let me try to fix this. I really do love you.”

“That's the hard part, because I really cared about you.” You say, still crying. She stares at you for a few seconds without saying anything, letting the silence linger between you two. She wants to say something but is not sure how to say it. Your words are hitting too close to home, and she’s really starting to feel bad and sad about everything that has happened. “I know, I know... I really did treat you terribly, and I never thought about how much you actually cared about me. I was so blinded by my selfishness that I didn’t realize how much I’d hurt you.” You look at her with tear filled eyes. She looks back at you with a look of pure sadness and remorse. She feels terrible for hurting you so badly. The fact that she did so much damage to you is eating her alive. You two are silent for a few moments and she continues to stare at you tearfully, wishing she had the ability to make everything right.

You hug your legs to your chest trying to find some comfort and calm your anxiety. She watches as you hug your legs, realizing that this is how she’s made you feel all this time. She has destroyed and hurt you so deeply and broke your trust. She’s made you feel like you can’t even take comfort in her. She tries to put a hand on your leg and comfort you but you pull your leg away instinctively, rejecting her. She can see by your reaction that you’re truly hurt and devastated. She’s really starting to regret everything. “I need time to think Ellie, can you please leave now?” You ask her, still crying. She stops trying to touch you, realizing that you aren’t ready to forgive her yet. Instead, she nods and looks down at the ground. She’s still feeling so much sadness and regret, but she respects your wishes. “Okay, I understand... I really do. Just... just take your time, and think about it... please.” She stands up and walks over to the door, pulling it open slowly.

You look at her as she walks. She looks back at you, wanting to make one last apology.

“I know you’re angry, and I get it. I really do. Just... just take it easy.” She takes one last look at you and then walks out, closing the door behind her. You start sobbing as soon as she walks out. It’s like everything is crashing down around you. You sit on the couch for a bit and keep sobbing. The pain you’re feeling is unbearable. Like you can’t function without her. Like you need her. You’ve been so hurt and betrayed by her, but that love is still there. You still love her. You decide to go to bed, and after a long day like this one, it’s not too hard to fall asleep. Your body is exhausted physically and mentally, you just want to sleep and pretend like everything is okay. You fall asleep soon after.

A few days pass, and you still can't seem to get her out of your mind. But you haven’t heard from her at all, and you don’t know what to think. You’ve been feeling depressed and lonely, not being able to stop thinking about her and the whole situation. You were at home after a long day of boring classes. Your phone buzzes in your pocket. And as you notice the vibration, you take it out of your pocket and see who has messaged you. It’s Ellie. “I know it’s only been a few days, but I’ve been thinking about what happened quite a bit. Can I come over and talk to you again?”

You take a few minutes to think about it and eventually decide to say yes. You message her back, saying, “Yes, you can come over, and we can talk.” You were watching TV when Ellie texted you. You start feeling more and more anxious and nervous, and you can’t even focus on the show you’re watching anymore. Your heart is beating faster, and you feel all the feelings from before, coming back in waves.

You hear a knock at your door and your stomach starts to flutter. You can tell that it’s Ellie because of how familiar her knock is. Your heart is beating so fast and you’re starting to feel nervous and anxious again. You get up and walk over to your front door. You can hear your heartbeat in your ear and a wave of butterflies in your stomach. You take a deep breath, open the door, and see her standing there, looking like she’s feeling just as nervous as you.

“Come in.” You say as you get out of the way. She quickly steps inside and looks at you. She looks a bit more relaxed now that she has arrived at your house, but she’s still a bit anxious. You close the door behind her and she looks around the room. She seems eager to talk now that she is here with you.

You walk back over to the couch and sit back down. Her attitude has changed a bit now that she is inside the house and feels more relaxed. She still looks like she has a lot to talk about and she seems excited to have this conversation. You look at her waiting for her to talk. She looks back at you and takes a deep breath. She seems like she’s been preparing for this conversation for a while, and she’s ready to finally get it all out in the open. “I know it’s only been a few days and I said that I was going to give you some time, but I really wanted to come back over as soon as I could. I know that you’re probably still mad and upset, but I just needed to talk to you again. ”You look up at her as she continues.“I wanted to take some time to really think about everything that happened... about everything I did. I just kept blaming everything on external factors, and I never really held myself accountable for what I did. But now, I’m not doing that anymore. I should’ve thought about how much I hurt you, and I should’ve taken into consideration what our relationship meant to you. I’ve been selfish and self-centered. And I’m really going to try and change that.”

You look up at her, taking in her words. She continues to talk, really pouring her heart out. “I also want you to know how truly sorry I am for what I did. I broke your trust, and the fact that you can’t even look me in the eye anymore is just a painful reminder of how much you distrust me now. I really want to fix this, and if it takes time for you to forgive me, I will wait.” You tear up as she talks, She looks at you, noticing that you’re tearing up and she starts to get really nervous. “Please... please don’t cry. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I really do need it. I did so much to hurt you, and I need you to let me back in your life. You’re so important to me, and I need you to know that I will never hurt you again.”

“You better not.” You say looking away from her. She gives you a solemn nod. “I promise I will never hurt you again. I understand that you need time to heal and to trust me, but when you are ready, please let me back in. I’m willing to do anything and everything to make this work again.” You look at her not sure what to say. She looks back at you, not expecting you to say anything back. You’re both feeling a lot of things right now, so she understands that it’s hard to even have any words to reply with. She takes a deep breath and looks at you. "Can I ask you something?" She takes another deep breath before asking the question, trying to prepare herself for your answer. “Can you... can you tell me if you think there's still a chance for us?”

“Maybe, I don't know…” You respond with a trembling voice. You still love her but you don't know if you can do this all over again. Her face immediately lights up with a spark of hope hearing those words. She realizes that you still consider a chance. She smiles and looks away. “That’s all I needed to hear. I just need to know that there’s some sort of chance. I know it might take a lot of time and effort for you to forgive me, and I will take every action necessary to prove to you that I can be trustworthy again.”

Your body relaxes slightly. She notices that your body has relaxed a bit, which makes her feel better. She’s glad that she at least had a slightly more positive impact than she anticipated. She looks back at you and she really starts to feel hope. “I really want this to work. You were always so good to me, too good even, and I took it for granted, but I’ll never take it for granted again, if you give me another chance.” She notices that you still have a sad expression, which makes her feel bad. She wants nothing more than to make you happy, but she knows that this might take some time. So she just keeps talking to you. She hopes that hearing the right words will make you smile and forgive her. “I know I don’t deserve another chance, but please, please I’m begging you to just give me one more. We can take all the time we need, just as long as we end up together again. "

“Let's see what time holds.” You say in a low tone, out of energy. She nods, accepting your answer. It’s not the immediate yes she wanted, but it’s still a good sign. She feels a little bit better inside. “Okay, I’ll wait. I’ll wait as long as I need to. I know I screwed up badly, and that it won’t be an easy thing to earn back your trust. But I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

You look away from her and lean back into the couch thinking of everything she has said. After a few minutes you ask her without looking at her, “Wanna watch a movie or something?” You didn't want to talk anymore but you didn't want her to go just yet either. She lights up as soon as you make the movie comment. She hadn’t thought about watching a movie with you or with anyone for a while. “Oh my god, yes. Please, I would love to watch a movie together. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, just relax with you and watch something we both enjoy.”

“Okay then.” You pick up the remote and put something on. She gets a smile on her face as you pick up the remote and turn on the tv. She leans back on the couch and gets comfortable as she watches what you put on. It’s the first time in a while that she’s just been able to relax and do something simple with you. You can't really look at her so you just watch the TV. She notices that you won't look at her, and she wonders why. She tries not to think too hard about it, and she keeps watching the TV as well. She also notices that your mood has lightened a little bit since she walked in. Maybe you’re starting to forgive her or starting to consider giving her another chance. She smiles as she hears you laughing at the movie’s jokes. It makes her feel good to see you look like you are in a better mood, and she also can’t help but smile. She really missed this. Her mood has lightened as well, and she feels less anxious, now that she’s sitting next to you again, in your living room, watching a movie. The movie ends and you guys sit in silence for a little while, just taking in the movie and the atmosphere around you. She eventually breaks the silence by looking over at you and asking: “What did you think?”

“I liked it, had some good jokes.” You smile slightly. Her face lights up when you tell her that you liked it. She agrees, saying that it had good jokes. She then asks, “Do you want to watch another one?”

“You choose this time.” You give her the remote. Your hands briefly touch each others as you pass her the remote. She takes it from you and starts browsing through the available titles. She’s not sure what to pick, but she wants to ensure that you both enjoy this one as well. She decides on a comedy, and she presses the button to start playing. You sit back and try to relax as the movie starts. She sits back as well, trying to relax. She’s not sure if you’re fully relaxed yet, but she wants to make it that way. She watches the film with you, trying to watch it and not thinking too much. Just wanting to enjoy being in this space with you again, even if it’s only as friends. You shift positions into a more comfortable one. She notices that you’ve shifted into a more comfortable position. She also notices that you haven’t really been looking at her at all, and she’s still wondering why. But she doesn’t let her thoughts distract her too much from watching the movie. She tries to focus on enjoying the moment and not over analyzing everything. The movie ends and you look up at her. She notices your eyes on her and she looks right back at you. She can still see that you’re a bit uncomfortable, like you haven’t forgiven her yet. But she doesn’t let it get her too down, and she focuses on the fact that you’re still sitting by her and you haven’t asked her to leave yet.

“It's getting a bit late…” You say looking at your phone. She looks at the time and is surprised that so much time has gone by already. “Oh god, you’re right, it’s kind of late.” She says with a yawn.

“I should go to bed. Talk tomorrow?” You say, as you look slightly in her direction. She nods and smiles. “Yeah, let’s talk tomorrow. You get some rest, and let’s talk things over again tomorrow. Okay?”

“Okay.” You get up from the couch and open the door for her to leave and go home. She gets a small smile on her face and walks to the door. “Okay, thank you for letting me come back over. Hopefully, we can talk again tomorrow.” She stops at the door and looks back at you, waiting for you to let her out. “Good night.” She walks away and she closes the door behind her. She’s glad that you’re still willing to talk, and that you let her come back. For now she’s just going to return home, get ready for bed and try to get some rest. She hopes that she will see you tomorrow. You both get some rest and head to bed. The next morning, she wakes up early and starts getting ready for the day. She hopes that she can talk to you again and make this whole thing a little bit better. She wants nothing more than to put this drama behind you two and get back to the way things used to be.

The next day you go to class as normal. She goes to class as well, and after it’s over she decides she is going to wait for you outside the door so that she can talk to you as soon as you walk out. She hopes that you’re still willing to at least listen to her. You see her standing just by the door, waiting for you to exit. She notices you and waves at you to come over to her so that you two can talk a bit. She’s hoping that you’ll be willing to hear her out again and continue the conversation you had started yesterday. “Hi…” You say shyly. She waves at you and says, “Hi. Is it okay if we talk for a bit?”

“Sure.”, You two start walking. She walks beside you, not expecting you to be too eager. She’s just happy that you let her talk to you. She notices that you still can’t really look her in the eyes. “Can I ask you something first, just before we go?" She takes a deep breath. “Do you think we can still make this work out? Do you think that eventually you will be able to forgive me?"

“I'm not sure, Ellie, I still feel very hurt. But I don't think it is an impossibility.” You say shrugging your shoulders. She nods, feeling a bit relieved but also somewhat disheartened to hear your response. She knows that there is still a chance, but she also knows that it will take a lot of time for you to heal and to trust her again. “I know it will take time. I just needed to know that there is a chance. I know how much I hurt you, and it’s not because I didn’t care. I did care, more than anything else, but I screwed up anyway.”

“Let's not talk about those things now, okay?” You give her a small smile. She smiles back at you and nods in agreement. “All right, we don’t have to talk about those things right now.”

“Could I ask you one more thing, though? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to."

“What is it?” You ask as you walk. “I noticed that you haven’t really looked at me very much recently. Not to sound paranoid or anything, but is it because you’re trying to avoid my eyes? Is it also because of what happened?”

“I'm just not used to being with you now, I guess. It's been a long time.” You say with sincerity but that's not the only reason. She nods and thinks about your response for a moment before replying. ”I’ll try not to read too much into it. It just hurt me a little to not see you at least looking at me occasionally. But I also understand that maybe it’s just strange for you to see me again. We haven’t seen each other for a while after all.” You two walk and sit outside on a bench together. She sits down beside you on the bench and looks at you, waiting for you to say something. “We’re still talking, and that’s a good sign. Can I ask you one more personal question?”

“Yes?” You reply a bit anxious. She gets a little nervous as she realizes how personal the question she’s going to ask really is. “It is kind of weird. It’s something you really don’t have to answer if you don't want to.”

“Okay…” You respond cautiously. She takes another deep breath before asking the question. “Do you still have feelings for me? Or did you completely lose them?”

“i ... “ You got nervous as she asked it. “I think there's still something there…” You say almost in a whisper. She notices that you get a little bit nervous when she asked the question, and in response she puts her hand over yours. “I’m not asking because I want an immediate yes or no answer. If you need more time, then you can have it. I just need to know, please. Do you have any feelings left for me?” You can feel her calloused hands that you have been missing so much these past months. The size difference between your hands compared to hers is quite funny. Yours almost looks like a childs. You look at her hand on yours. “I think there's still something there…” You say quietly, but loud enough for her to hear. You continue to look down at your hands and her tattoo on her right forearm. She smiles slightly and squeezes your hand. “I’m really glad to hear that. I know this will take time, but I really didn’t want you to completely lose all those feelings. You can take all the time you need, but I’m glad we both know that you haven’t given up on us yet." You give her a shy smile. She smiles back at you, relieved. She didn’t want this whole thing to be a lost cause, and knowing that you still have feelings for her, even if they’ve faded a bit, is enough to make her at least feel a little bit better. She leans over close to you in an attempt to lighten the mood. “See? You still have a soft spot for me.”

“Don't get too cocky now.” You say playfully. She laughs slightly in response to your playful comment.

“Okay okay, I might have assumed too much. But you have to admit, there is still something here between us. You haven’t walked away and you’re still willing to talk to me. That means something.”

“I guess it does.” You look up at her. She glances up at you again, enjoying this little moment between the two of you. “Yeah, it definitely does. I’m glad that I still mean something to you.” You hold her hand back. She feels your hand grasping hers. She enjoys the feeling of your hand in hers, even just for a bit. She then squeezes your hand a little, trying to show you how much she wants to be with you. “Even though we’re not back together, this doesn’t feel so bad either, does it? We’re getting closer every day.”

You lean your head on her shoulder slowly. She feels your head on her shoulder and she feels a rush of affection. She really loves feeling close to you. She puts her arm around you, holding you tightly. It feels so good to have you back where she wants you. “I love that you’re leaning on me. I guess we are getting closer after all.” You close your eyes and just enjoy the moment for a bit. When you close your eyes, she takes this as an opportunity to get even closer. And so, she pulls you a little more towards her, and her arm wraps around your shoulders, pulling you so that your bodies are touching. She still doesn’t want to push it too far, but she really wants to feel closer to you at this moment. You get butterflies as she pulls you closer. She can feel your heartbeat through your body, beating so rapidly and so strongly. She’s so close to you, she can smell your scent and it makes her feel butterflies too. She doesn’t say anything, she just wants to soak this moment in and enjoy being this close to you.

A few weeks later you were hanging out at her place. You have been getting along quite well and she hadn't messed up anything yet. You had gone out together a few times, studied together, hung out like you used to, gone on “dates”' with her, as she liked to call them. She was really putting in the effort this time. You had had a few really great days, with your time together becoming more frequent and more intimate. Just being close to her felt good, like you two used to feel. She had even started to open up a little as well. You had been taking things slow and it was going well. You still felt some pain when you thought of the past. But you can't deny that you want to go a little further with her. You're just a bit scared to make a move. You sit next to her on the couch, cuddling up to her as you watch a movie together.

You hold her hand. She feels your hand taking hers, wrapping around it tightly. She can still feel those butterflies in her stomach from just being with you. She doesn't reply in words, instead just simply squeezing your hand. It feels comforting to have you holding her hand again. You smile a bit not looking at her but at the TV. She notices that you're looking straight ahead, never taking your eyes off the screen. She finds this cute, but she decides to try to distract you just a little. With her other hand she starts to rub the palm of your hand. The rubbing of her thumb starts to lightly stroke your palm a little. You feel the butterflies appearing once more. The slight rubbing of her thumb against the palm of your hand seems to have an effect. You can feel your heart beating a little faster, so you know that those butterflies are definitely there. She smiles a little as she continues to rub your palm, wanting to see if she can make the butterflies keep coming back. She also wants to see how long until you're not able to resist her touch. You lean your head on her shoulder as you watch the movie. She smiles as you lean your head on her shoulder, she has a feeling that you're getting more and more comfortable with her again. She continues to rub your palm with her thumb, wanting to keep those butterflies around for just a little while longer.

You chuckle at the funny scene on the screen. She also lets off a little laugh as the movie scene plays out. As she laughs she continues to rub the palm of your hand a bit, wanting to keep that feeling of butterflies for as long as she can. You hold her hand a little tighter, She feels your squeeze and she smiles a little as a response. She continues to rub her thumb against the palm of your hand. It feels so nice to be so close to you again, she just wants to stay like this. As the movie ends you don't move, and neither does she. You just sit there, with your bodies pressed up next to each other. You can feel the heat coming from her and it just makes you feel so comfortable. She's waiting for you to say something, or to do something. This might be the perfect moment for you to take the next step in your reconciliation. It's all up to you. You nuzzle into her neck a bit more. As you nuzzle into her neck, she smiles and wraps her other arm around you. You can feel the warmth of her body and she feels the warmth of yours as well. It's a very calming and relaxing feeling to be close to her like this again. You're just enjoying having her like this, just the two of you, sitting, nuzzling, and enjoying each others' company.

“I missed this…” You say quietly. She smiles when she hears you say those words. It just makes her feel so happy knowing that you like being this close to her again. “I did miss this as well.” She says quietly, then she pulls you even closer and kisses your neck lightly. She’s waiting to see how you’ll respond to this, hoping that you’ll like it and that it’ll make you happy. You feel a bit caught off guard by the neck kiss. She can feel your body reacting to it and tensing up a bit, and it makes her feel so proud. You had been taking things a little slowly up to this point, but this feels like the next right step. This seems like a natural way for the two of you to have physical intimacy, and she can feel that you’re enjoying it. She pulls you a little bit closer still, wanting to get even closer to you. You look up at her a bit confused.

She sees you look up at her and she smiles at you. Her smile seems more genuine than before. She keeps kissing your neck lightly and slowly, not wanting to go too fast, but she knows what you like and where you like to be touched. She wants to make this experience as pleasurable for you as possible. You giggle as the kisses are tickling your neck. She smiles at your giggle, finding it incredibly cute. She likes making you happy, and so she continues the kisses on your neck, still waiting to see if you want more or if you want her to stop. It starts to feel like more than just mere innocent kisses as she continues. She keeps going, wanting to see how far she can take this before you pull back. She doesn’t want to go all the way and take this too far if you're not comfortable, but she wants to get to a point where she can feel confident that you’re as comfortable with this as she is with you.

You start to blush a bit. She notices this new development as you start to blush. She takes this as a positive sign that you’re liking what she’s doing and that’s really what matters to her. She keeps kissing along your neck, and then moves to softly kissing your cheeks and cheek bone. She wants you to feel this intimacy and closeness, and it feels amazing for her as well. You close your eyes as you feel her lips on your skin. She takes note of the fact that you’ve closed your eyes, and this makes her feel amazing. That you’re now so comfortable with her and your intimacy that you’ve closed your eyes for her. It makes her feel more confident, and also more loving and caring. She moves her hands to your shoulders, wanting to pull you in as tightly as possible so that it’s just the two of you sharing this moment together. You hold her as well. You wrap your arms around her as she pulls you in. You two are holding each other, cuddling up tight as you both soak in this intimate moment. She can feel the heat from your body, and it feels so amazing. She’s enjoying this as much as you are. At this point she’s not sure how much further you want this to go, but she’s enjoying every bit of being close to you again, and she’s not in a rush. The two of you stay close together for quite awhile, as she just enjoys this moment with you. It feels nice to be this close, as well as to have this level of intimacy. The two of you are truly starting to connect again, and feel like it’s the beginning of your reconciliation. Although she’s not rushing this, she also is not opposed to taking things a bit further if that’s what you want. She also knows that you probably would want to at some point, by your body language. You give her a quick peck on the cheek and lean back on her shoulder. She smiles as you give her a kiss on the cheek, and as you lean your head on her shoulder again. At this point she’s not sure just how much intimacy you want, but she will allow you to test just where your limits are. She rubs her fingers around your shoulders gently in an attempt to make you feel completely loved and cherished.

“I missed feeling like this…” You say feeling the warmth of her touch. She smiles a little at that. She liked knowing that she was able to make you feel these warm and loving feelings again. “So did I. I’ve missed being this close to you, I’ve missed feeling this kind of intimacy with you.” Her words warm your heart. She knows that the words she’s saying are things you truly want to hear. She keeps giving you words of love and affection, wanting to make you feel even more reassured about the fact that things really are okay between the two of you again. After a bit you sit back up straight, and stretch from the position you had been in, watching the movie. She notices your stretching and decides to sit up as well. She had loved having you so close, but she could see that you were getting a little bit uncomfortable after being in that position for so long. She then looks at you, not sure what to say next or if there’s anything that needs to be said at all. You sit facing her on the couch, not sure what to say. The two of you have been quiet for a bit now, just sitting there on the couch with nothing to say. She feels that this moment might be a little bit awkward, so she decides to break the silence. “So what should we do now?” She asks, deciding to switch back to one of your usual topics of conversation.

“You still have mario kart?” You ask, smiling. She smiles back when you bring up Mario Kart and says, “I do actually. I had it brought over when I was moving to campus. Do you really want to play Mario Kart with me?” She says this in a joking manner, but she’s really not joking. That was something the two of you had done many times together back in your relationship, and she’d love to do it again if you’re up for it. “I'll win, you'll see.” You say looking at her with a smug face. She laughs a little at your cocky attitude, but she also really likes it. She can’t deny that your confidence makes her even more attracted to you, even in this playful way. “Oh yeah? You think you could beat me?” She asks you with a playful grin. “I know I can.” You nudge her slightly. She smiles when you nudge her and replies, “Oh no, you did not just say that. You wanna put your money where your mouth is then? I will own you in Mario Kart.”

“Put the game on then…” You look at her teasingly. She takes that as the challenge that it is, and pulls out the game cartridge, and puts it into the console where she then turns the system on. She then selects multiplayer and gets the set-up ready. “You ready to lose?” She asks you with a playful grin, waiting for you to take the controller and get this going. “Are you ready to get absolutely destroyed?” You reply with a smirk on your face. She laughs at your confidence and replies, “Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you. Have you seen me play Mario Kart? I can be quite formidable.”

“I think you are forgetting my skills.” You say in a teasing manner. She smirks at your comment, feeling even more confident in her skills than before. “Are you saying that you’ve got more or better skills than I do? Because I highly doubt that.”

“Let's see then.” The race starts. When the race starts she smiles at you. She hits the gas and starts to speed up, and before too long she moves ahead of you in first place. It’s just the first lap, but she’s already off to a strong start. You throw turtles at her and get in the first place yourself. She feels one of the turtle shells hit her as you overtake her, and she ends up falling back to second place. She doesn’t let this slow her down though, and she does what she can to gain back the first spot. She still sees that there’s no way you would be able to maintain this pace, which is giving her hope. She’s not going to lose this just yet. On the last lap you were neck-to-neck. You and her battle this final lap, back and forth as you take the lead, and then she overtakes you. It almost seems like this race is being played at a constant, neck-to-neck position. She’s getting slightly more nervous now, but she doesn’t let that show. She’s determined to win this race. You drive over a speed boost and pass her, winning the race at the last minute. She can’t believe it, she tried so hard only to have you take the win at the last possible second. She feels a little betrayed, even though she knows she should just be happy for you. She doesn’t say anything as you finish ahead of her, just trying to keep her composure and trying to not let her pride and ego get the best of her.

“And now who's the better player?” You look at her teasingly. She smiles at this but can’t help but be annoyed that you’re right about being the better player. “I hate you.” She says half jokingly, but she doesn’t let this take away from the fact that she loves your confidence. “No you don't.” You get a bit closer to her. She gets a bit embarrassed when you get so close, but it still makes her happy. “Maybe not, you are a pretty good player.” She says teasingly, but she can’t deny that you really are a good player indeed.

“Wasn't so hard to admit, was it?” You say in a teasing way, getting closer to her face whilst looking at her. She feels her heart beating faster when you come even closer to her own face, and it makes her blush lightly. “No, I guess it wasn't so hard.” She admits, being fully aware that you are teasing her in a playful way, which she finds to be quite humorous. You continue to look her in the eyes. She can’t help but keep looking into your eyes too, feeling very close and comfortable with you. This was something she very much enjoyed, that intimate, closeness of being face-to-face with you like this. You start feeling the butterflies again as you look at her. Your eyes speak volumes as you look at each other. She feels the connection between you two is growing more and more as you continue to look at her like this. She notices that your heart rate seems to be increasing, as well as how you can’t stop looking at her. This is an incredibly intimate moment, with that mix of nerves due to how fast your heart rate is increasing. She's enjoying this though, seeing you become so affected by her and the closeness between you two. You shake your head and sit back straight looking at the TV. She sees that you’re now sitting straight and looking away. She feels a bit bad that she might’ve been a little bit too close and maybe overwhelmed you. She decides to sit back a bit from you, just so that you’re not feeling like she’s taking it too far too soon. She’s not trying to move too fast, so she backs away just a little.

“Want a rematch?” You look at her with a smile after a few seconds. She laughs when you ask about a rematch, but she’s not opposed to it. “Oh, so if I beat you, will you admit that I’m better?” She says with a laugh, not taking your challenge too seriously.

“I'm going to win again, you'll see.” You had a smirk on your face as you said it. She smiles at your confidence, feeling very amused by you and enjoying this playful side you’re showing. “Oh is that so? Well, let's just see about that then.” She says, ready to beat you during this rematch.

The rematch starts, and you and her are neck to neck the whole way through it once again, each of you taking the lead only for the other one to take the lead from the other again. But before too long, you manage to secure yourself the number one position, pulling ahead by just a little bit and beating her out the race once more. You laugh as you win, looking at her. “How does it feel to lose?” You tease her playfully. She laughs back at this, feeling a little bit frustrated that she’s lost twice in a row now. “Not great, I’ll admit. I had hoped I’d do a little better, but it seems you’ve got me beat.” She admits, still trying to keep her cool.

“I do, don't I?” You get closer to her again. As you get closer to her she feels a more intense feeling of butterflies rushing through her. It’s that same feeling of closeness that she felt a few minutes ago. “Yes, you really do. You’re an extremely good player, I have to admit.” She says, continuing to speak with a bit of humor in her voice.

“I’m the best really…” You say teasingly. She laughs. “Oh, you're the best? That's quite egotistical of you, don't you think?” She says in a bit of a teasing manner as well. You look at her with a teasing look in your eyes. She looks back at you, seeing the look on your eyes. She thinks it’s very cute, and she smiles at the sight. She can’t help but feel that happy with you being so close to her, and that playful look in your eyes, it’s making her feel slightly flustered.

“Oh are you blushing now?” You tease her again. She sees that you noticed her slight blush and feels a bit embarrassed, but she keeps quiet about this. She decides to just play along with you, keeping a teasing tone as well. “Maybe I am blushing a little, but I just can’t help it when I'm this close to you.”

“I'm irresistible, I know.” You look her dead in the eyes with a smile. She feels like her heart is racing as she stares back at you. It honestly doesn’t feel like she can tear her eyes away from yours. She’s feeling that same feeling of butterflies rushing throughout her, but this intense look between you two also adds another layer to this. She can feel herself get a bit more flustered. “See? You can't even answer me anymore.” You hold her chin speaking in a lower voice. The way you are now holding her chin just makes everything even more intense for her. The low voice and the way you’re looking at her makes her feel slightly breathless. She can’t find the words to speak back, as her heart races all that much faster now. You get slightly closer to her, “Cat got your tongue?”

She feels like her heart is going 120 miles per hour as you get ever so close to her. She can’t speak a single word, and can barely breathe even. Your voice is making it hard for her to focus on anything else but you and how close you are right now. She’s just staring back at you, not knowing what to do or say to this. “Maybe I should check if your tongue is still there…” You look at her lips and then at her eyes again. Her eyes widen when she realizes that you may be thinking about kissing her. She gets so flustered when you mention even the possibility of it. It’s like all her thoughts are blocked up whenever she thinks about kissing you. She tries to find her voice again but just can’t think of any reply to this. She feels her face get even hotter and more flushed the more she imagines you kissing her.

You look at her for a few more seconds before kissing her hard and pull your body to hers instantaneously, completely losing yourself in the moment when your lips touched hers. The first second of contact is an indescribable feeling. The next thing she knows, you’re pulling her into you, and she feels all of you pressed up against her while your lips are locking with hers. The sensation is overwhelmingly hot, and there’s nothing she could do to get herself out of this. She was lost in you, and she loves this feeling. You hold her face firmly as you kiss her. She feels the warmth of your lips on hers, and all thought is suddenly completely blocked out, leaving room only for pure emotion. This kiss was hot, and she didn’t want it to end any time soon. She was feeling that intense feeling of pure connection, and she just wanted more of you, she couldn’t get enough of it. As you pull her into you, she also moves her hands to your body, and your bodies become intertwined as you both feel the warmth between you two. You can feel her hands moving up and down, exploring every single inch of your skin.

Lost in the moment you straddle her on the couch, continuing to kiss her like there's no tomorrow. It’s like nothing else mattered at this moment aside from the two of you. The intensity that was rising from inside both of you made every moment a pure, unadulterated experience. She didn’t know anything anymore other than the passion that was exploding all over her. She could feel the heat inside her rising with each kiss, and as you straddled her she couldn’t have cared what anyone or anything thought of this moment that she was so lost in. You hold her hair back as you pull her in for another kiss. There’s something so intoxicating about the way you kiss her, and she can’t get enough of you. There’s nothing else that matters anymore, just you and her. Her face is so hot from the passion of this intense moment between two people who were once separated by so much, but now they couldn’t be any more connected in this moment together.

As the tension builds up you take your top off. Her breath catches at the sight of you pulling it off. Her eyes are completely locked on you, watching every single layer of clothing come off of you. The sight of this is making the heat inside her feel all the more intense. Her mouth waters at the notion of how much closer you two will become. You look at her after taking it off and go back to kissing her. She feels that same intense feeling inside of her again as she watches you take off your top that was between you two. She feels her breath catch again, as it makes the moment even more intense and much hotter. It’s almost as if her body is completely unable to do anything else other than kiss you and feel the overwhelming feelings flooding through her. You start feeling your core heating up as you two make out. You had wanted this for so long and now you just couldn't stop. Your brain could only think of one thing: Ellie.

You feel her hands on your waist and you get shivers. Her hands continue to move up and down your body, making your entire body shiver. It’s like she has this powerful control over you, and you're entirely being taken over by these intense feelings. She does suddenly get that feeling of wanting to be the one in control. She moves herself onto you and she feels that same sort of control surge through her. She’s now straddling you and leaning down to kiss you again. You look up at her as she takes control. She makes sure to maintain eye contact with you as she holds you with her weight and kisses you passionately. The control really does feel like it's hers now, and she’s taking no chances of losing it again. She’s going to stay in control as long as she can, since it feels that much more fun to be taking the lead.

You suddenly remember the way you two interacted behind closed doors. Especially in the bedroom. The power dynamic between you two used to be very intense and you loved it. Your heart starts to race as you see her behavior change so drastically. She manages to pick you up from the couch, and she puts you down on her bed, not letting go of your body the entire time. This moment has never felt more intense. Her control is now so much more powerful this way, and she feels so good being the one to be taking charge of the situation. You look up at her after she throws you on the bed. She stares down at you, looking at you very intensely that she has you under her complete control in the bed. Her expression is that of someone who intends to have her way. There was nothing she wouldn’t do to get this moment exactly how she wanted it to be.

She takes off her t-shirt to let her body feel the open air of this moment. Her eyes are still locked on you as she begins to take off your shorts. She does this very slowly and passionately, keeping an intense stare at you the entire time. You look at her not being able to get your eyes off of hers. She seems to be enjoying this power dynamic that the two of you have. She missed having you at her mercy. She’s taking as much time as she wants with you, so she can see every inch of your body. She’s not moving as quickly as she would normally, but she wants this moment to last as long as the two of you want.

At each moment she grew more and more dominant, she was enjoying this feeling very much, knowing that you were completely hers. She enjoyed the feeling of having someone under her complete control so much, she would love to keep it going just a little bit longer. She gets on top of you, pressing herself right between your legs, keeping her weight on top of you. She feels very dominant in this position, feeling that same intense feeling of butterflies inside her from before. She can see how much this is affecting you, and feels a little bit of a rush from this feeling of power. You are feeling very turned on by her. The way you felt before she got on top of you was just the beginning of how much more you would feel. Not only do you feel the dominance of her, but also the intensity of her body pressed up against yours. She was feeling very hot laying on top of you like this, and she enjoyed how much it seemed to be turning you on. The friction on your crotch is starting to make you go insane.

“Fuck…” You mumble out as she looks at you dead in the eyes. The feeling of dominance is very strong when she stares you down. She can see your face grow redder as you begin to mumble, and she knows that the feeling of her weight on you is doing something to you. Her lips meet yours once more, and you feel the same intense feeling that you felt in her eyes when she first kissed you. It’s as if your entire body was just being completely overcome with euphoria and it was the only feeling you could process. She makes out with you very intensely, but after some time passes she gets up from the bed, looking back down at you. “Take your bra off, now.” The way she commands you to take off your bra makes your heartbeat speed up just that much more. She has an extremely commanding personality, and it was clear that she wouldn’t take no for an answer at this moment. You sit up and do as she says. She watches carefully as you do what she had ordered you to do. She can notice the nervous and tense nature of your hands as they begin to slowly take your bra off. Once you were finally done, she stares right at you, with an even more intense focus than before.

She stares down at your bare chest and gets slightly more excited. She loves the sight of your body, and she can’t help but let her gaze linger. It’s like her eyes are locked on your beautiful tits, and she feels such a strong urge to kiss you again. She kisses you passionately, but what’s even more interesting for you is the feeling of her hands on your body. She seems to be roaming all over it, just exploring every inch of your skin. Then one of her hands cups your breast and starts fondling it. You feel these tiny little goosebumps come over your skin as she runs her hands all over you. She keeps her hands moving constantly, running them up along your sides, up and down your thighs, all over your body making every inch of your skin seem to shiver. You let out small moans into the kiss. As she kept kissing you, she noticed that you started letting out small moans each time. This was very intense for her, and she couldn’t help but like the sound of those soft moans coming from you. They were making her go crazy. She places her hand on your thigh and her touch feels so good against your skin. It’s almost like she’s taking over your whole body, leaving no inch untouched.

She looks at you as she moves her hand upwards. She sees that you noticed her touching your thigh, and she moves her hand. Your breath catches as her hand comes higher and higher, you keep waiting for her to stop but she keeps moving up. You look at her, trying to catch your breath. You’re trying to keep yourself from letting out too many sounds, but you can’t help but let out some soft exhales each time she goes higher. You feel the excitement rising within you, feeling every second of this moment and all of the movement of her hand. She finally reached the spot she had wanted and you feel your breath catch in your throat when she does that. She seemed to have noticed your reaction to her and you see that she smirks for a second before continuing what she was doing just now. She starts moving her fingers over the cloth of your panties, still looking at you, biting her lower lip. Her finger movements are so subtle and light that they just feel like small waves washing over that one spot, making you shiver. She can tell this is just exactly where she wants to be, and seeing you bite your lip in anticipation is making the moment so much more exciting. She can feel how aroused you are getting. She feels the intensity of your arousal slowly rising, the wet patch forming on your underwear, and the feeling of this power she had over you is incredibly intoxicating. She liked the feeling of knowing that she could make you feel this way, and she wasn’t planning on letting you go any time soon.

“Fuck…” You let out as she continues to move her fingers. The sound of your voice as you let out these little curses just makes her grin more. It’s very clear that she had hit the right spot, just as she remembered it. She gets overtaken by her feeling of control and orders you to get on your knees in front of her. She completely takes over this moment. “On your knees, now.” Her voice is not soft anymore, but raspy and demanding. Her level of dominance was through the roof, and she couldn’t take it anymore. You were hers again. It’s like she’s taking over your entire mind with her demands. Your thoughts can only really focus on one thing right now as you get on your knees in front of her, waiting to see what she’s going to do next. She sits on the bed manspreading with you right in between her legs. You have no idea what to expect, but she seems to know exactly what she’s going to do. Her legs are completely spread wide, with her sitting on the edge of the bed. Her stare is once again incredibly intense, and you can’t stop but feel excited and a little bit nervous all at once.

You look up at her eyes. Her eyes seem to be almost like she’s looking into your entire soul, and she feels more in control than ever before with your gaze focused entirely at her. She feels such a strong power over you in this moment, and she can’t help but start to let out a small smirk on her lips as she watches you keep looking at her. She holds your chin and looks at you. The way she holds your chin and looks directly into your eyes makes this feeling of intense power even stronger. She seems to be enjoying herself very much with this level of dominance over you. “Are you going to be a good girl for me?” She asks, looking you dead in the eyes, still holding your chin. She looks deep into your eyes as she asks you that question, and you can already feel the pressure that the question itself is placing on you. You can tell she expects you to be a good girl now, so you better not disappoint her. You nod as she waits for your response. She can see how you nod, and that seems to be the answer she was looking for. She smiles wide and says, “Good girl.” She gives you a little kiss on your forehead as a reward for your response, but makes it clear that the expectation of you being a good girl is not going away any time soon. With her thumb brushing against your lips, it seems as though she’s just playing around with you. She seems to be enjoying taking control and playing with you, as it’s making you feel some of the most intense emotions that you’ve ever felt in a while.

“Open up.” She says in a low voice as she puts her thumb into your mouth. The moment her thumb is in your mouth, you feel a sense of euphoria that you would have never thought was possible you would ever feel again. All of the feelings that she’s been giving you up until now feel as though they are being brought to the next level. She had really taken control of this moment, and you could feel her thumb moving inside of your mouth in a way that just made it feel even more incredible than you could have ever expected. Your breath caught in such a way that you couldn’t help but let out some more of those little curses. Your lips wrap around her thumb, and you really let yourself sink into this act. After you sucked on her thumb, she kisses you again, and it feels like all of the intense emotions are just growing even further. You can feel the same kind of sensation as before, and you didn’t imagine it could be possible to have someone take over your entire body like this again.

“Now, you are going to stay right there like a good girl and I'll be right back.” She says to you as she gets up to go get something, but her final words make you wait right there as she tells you to stay put. You follow her orders the entire time she’s gone, knowing that she’ll have something else in store for you when she arrives back. You keep looking down at the ground as you await her return, still in that same position you were told to stay in. You can’t help but notice this level of dominance she was taking over you, and the way she just made you stay in this position and wait for her was really making you feel something very exciting. She comes back and praises you for not moving as she demanded. The act of staying so perfectly still when you had been told to wait made you feel incredibly good when she praised you for following her orders perfectly. You didn’t expect to be acting so perfectly submissive, but you didn’t mind one bit either. She sits on the bed and says. “Come sit on my lap. Be a good girl for me, yeah?” You immediately feel a rush as she says those words. You follow them like the good girl she demanded you to keep being, and you have no problem with doing what she asks you to do. You sit on her lap and she smiles wide when she sees that you are complying again with her wishes.

She starts lightly touching your body and tracing it with her fingers. Her light touches feel just as incredible as before as she lightly touches your chest and stomach with her fingers, tracing them all along your body and creating some of the most intense feelings that you’ve ever felt. She seemed to be enjoying herself again, finding every inch of your body and enjoying just how much she could get you to tremble under her grasp. She is loving feeling this dominance over you again. She really missed you. Her fingers now move down to your thighs, tracing around them in circles. You can practically feel the sensation of tingling, moving through your body with each touch of her fingers. You see her staring at you as you sit on her lap, and she continues to move her fingers slowly upwards. She makes it very clear that she’s looking to touch and explore just about every inch of your body. The moment her fingers get to where she wanted, your sopping cunt, you find yourself letting out another of these little curses for just how intense this all was. Her lips curl up into a smile as she sees how much effect her fingers have on you. You felt the most intense sensation when she touched your clit through the wet fabric, and you couldn’t help but let out these little sounds. The way she kept moving her fingers in tiny circles a little faster had you feeling every tiny movement. She made it so that she was really making you have another level of sensation that just made this entire experience even more exciting.

You look at her biting your lower lip. The way you bit your lower lip in reaction to this made the moment for her even more intense. You just looked like such a good girl and she still had so much further to go with you. “I'm going to make you feel good now, okay?” She said in a teasing tone as she slid your panties to the side feeling how wet you really were. Your body responded instantly to these words of hers as you felt a surge of nervousness and excitement all over you. She didn’t have to explain at all what kind of feelings she was referring to, your body already knew. The whole point of this interaction so far had been based on letting her be in control, so when she said that she would make you feel good, you knew that she would. She can clearly see from your reaction how much these touches mean to you, and she loved it. That smirk of hers seemed to widen even more when she heard your moans of pleasure as she slowly inserted one of her slender fingers inside you slowly. Because of this new level of excitement that was building between you, she started to feel unstoppable. “Do you like that?” She asks. The moment she asked you this, you found yourself nodding yes instantly. You were already feeling so much from her touches and your body was enjoying every moment of it. So of course you liked it. She starts moving her finger in and out of you a little faster as her other hand holds the back of your head so you continue to look at her. The way she kept going faster had you feel pure ecstasy as she looked you in the eyes so you know who is in charge here. “I'm going to make you feel even better, okay?” She said in a low and raspy tone. Your body responded instantly to these words of hers. Then she inserted another finger into your tight hole and started moving them even faster, curling them inside you. She hit your g spot on the first try. She knew your body too well, and hadn't forgotten one single bit.

She can clearly see from your reaction how much these touches are affecting you, and she loved it. That smirk of hers seemed to widen even more because of this new level of excitement that was building between you. “Do you like that?” She asked as she kept going faster and harder. You started feeling that familiar knot in your stomach form. The moment she asked you this, you found yourself nodding yes instantly again. You were already feeling so much from her touches and your body was enjoying every moment of it. So of course you loved it. You felt like you were about to cum at any second now. She didn't stop for one second until she heard your moans as you felt your orgasm wash over you. She felt really confident as she made you cum. You couldn’t wait to feel what would come next. She slowly took her fingers from inside you and brought them up into her mouth sucking your juices. She went feral when she tasted you again after so much time. The moment she grabbed at the hem of your underwear, your eyes widened a little because she had really taken it to the next level. Up until now, it had felt somewhat familiar and maybe just a little bit intense, but this was on a whole new level. You felt yourself getting very aroused by her again. This whole time she had been making you feel this intense feeling within you, but you can tell that she wants more. She is going to fuck you until you beg her to stop. There's no going back now.

Her smirk keeps getting wider every time you react to her touch, so this was getting even more exciting for her. She had been enjoying herself the whole time, but it was still a very important thing for her to see how much this was having an impact on you as well. She lays you down on the bed, her hand still touching you as she looks down on you. You can see her looking down at you with that same wide smirk on her face, and you still don’t know how much further this will go yet. “Take them off baby girl.” She orders you to take your last remaining piece of clothing as she watches. She motions to your panties that were completely soaked at this point. You take them off slowly. You are now completely bare. Every time she sees you take your clothes off, she seems to get more and more excited. She had never expected you to show off this level of submission so soon, but she was loving every second of it. She felt this new level of power, and she is taking full advantage of it.

She looks at you with a hungry gaze as she seems to be enjoying this entire situation. Your body is completely exposed to her now, and she’s ready to take full advantage of it. You liked it, and you couldn’t wait to feel what would come next. You look up at her, waiting. She continues to look at your body, admiring it, just enjoying this whole situation way too much. Her eyes seem to be glued to you, and she wasn’t going to break that focus anytime soon. Ellie opens your legs and looks at the mess she just made of you. She feels proud of herself, but she will make you scream her name in no time. She knows it. She still knows what you like and what makes you go crazy. She remembers every touch and every spot that made you beg for her to stop. As she opens up your legs, you can feel the sensation of just how deep her power has reached over you. You are completely exposed, your body is completely bare in front of her, and you are completely in her control.

“Ellie…” You tried to speak up but then suddenly her expression changed into a serious one. “Ellie? You know that's not how you address me.” She looks a bit annoyed waiting for you to call her the same name as when you were still together. “Come on now, you know full well that's not my name…” You look up at her blushing as you remember what she liked to be called. “Do I have to spell it out? Or are you going to be a good girl?” She said in a low and raspy voice, but with a very serious look on her face. You knew how possessive she would get every time you had sex. You finally got the guts to say it out loud, so you take a deep breath and tell her what she wants to hear. “Yes daddy… Sorry daddy…” You look away from her as she gets her smirk back on her face. “Wasn't so hard was it? Good girl.” She said and you felt every hair in your body go up. Your quick apology and change of vocabulary has her smile getting even wider, as you knew she loved being called that, just as much as you liked being treated as such. She was loving this entire situation. She looks back down at you with her gaze, looking you up and down like you were some kind of an object of her own creation. Your body belongs to her now, and she was not going to let you go. She continues to look at you for a moment, before she eventually moves her finger to you. She seems to be considering something, but you can’t exactly tell what it is yet. You wait patiently for her to touch you again. She touches you lightly once again, moving her hand down to your pussy and this time, she seems to be moving her fingers a bit quicker. She seemed to be thinking what to do with you next, and you couldn’t help but feel a rush of adrenaline with this kind of change. She looked at what she had gotten up to get when she told you to get on your knees. You recognized that box. You know what's inside it, and you can't believe this is really happening.

She notices you looking at the box and smiles as she sees your reaction to it. “You know what that is, don't you baby girl?...” You look up at her and see her eyes are filled with desire. Her pupils blown at the sight of you naked in front of her. “I’m going to use it on you now, and you are going to take it without any complaints, understood?” She said as she held your neck so you would look straight in her eyes. She squeezed it a bit to get an answer out of you. “Yes daddy…” You responded with your brows furrowed, looking at her. She gives you a passionate kiss and then pulls back leaving you wanting more. “Good girl. Don't move while daddy gets things ready, understood?” You nod instantaneously. She smiles at you with a teasing look in her eyes. She goes to her bedside table and takes out some lube from the drawer. She then takes her jeans off, still looking at you making sure you don't move. She's now only in her sports bra and her boxers. You look at her toned body and only get more aroused at the sight of her. She opens the box and takes off her strap. Your eyes widen as she does. She noticed your excitement and a smirk appeared on her face once more. She put it on and walked over to you, with your legs still wide open for her. She opens the lube tube and puts some on her deep purple strap. She always referred to it as her cock, sometimes she wishes it was real, so she could feel how hot and tight you are while she fucks you. She holds the base as she spreads the lube on her cock as she looks you dead in the eyes with a predatory look. “Are you ready for me to stretch your tight little hole?” She asks you as she lines the tip with your entrance. You look up at her and nod. She looks at you with an animalistic expression on her face. You gulp as you wait for her to move. She teases you a bit before actually pushing it in.

“Fuck… I wanted this for so long…” She says as she looks down at your cunt, ready to penetrate you. “Be a good girl and take what I give you, yeah?” She says this as she pushes it inside you slowly, making you let out moans. You weren't used to the size of her strap anymore. It hurt a little bit but it hurt so good though. When she is completely inside you she gives you a quick kiss and as she does that she starts moving her hips, thrusting into you. She loves the sounds you make but she doesn't want her neighbors to complain about it so she covers your mouth. “Shut up you slut.” Your eyes widened as she called you that name. You can't lie. You loved her dirty talk, and it just made you feel something tingle in your tummy. She started fucking into you a bit faster and she smirked at your expression as she did so. As she thrusts into you she starts losing that smirk and looks at you with predatory eyes. She starts going faster and harder, making you let out tiny sounds as her hand is still over your mouth. She is really enjoying having you like this. Like she wants. You are hers now and she'll use you as she pleases. With her other hand she holds your hips so she can thrust harder into you making you whine every time she enters you. “No making any noise, yeah?” She asks you more like a demand, as she takes her hand off of your mouth. You nod trying not to moan out loud. She smiles mischievously as she sees you struggle to stay quiet. “You know what happens when you don't do as I say, don't you?” She looks at you with a smirk on her face as she watches your facial expressions. “Yes daddy…” You respond trying not to make too much noise. “Good girl, you dont want daddy to punish you, do you?”

“No daddy, I'll be a good girl for you.” You say as she continues to fuck you relentlessly. She's feeling on top of the world having you under her like that. She missed fucking you. Especially like this. The other girls she was with when you were broken up never got to this level. She'd get tired of them. But you? She could never get tired of you. The fact that it was such a quick response made her look over at you with even more desire, and she had this look of complete control written all over her face. She continued to fuck you, and this time, she started rubbing your clit at the same time and moved her fingers even faster than before. This was her way of making you feel good, and you could already tell that you were going to enjoy yourself. You felt the knot forming again as you looked up at her still trying not to make any noise but some whimpers and little curses still escaped your mouth from time to time. She felt really proud of herself as you were getting closer to your second orgasm of the night. She continued and you couldn't take it anymore. “Can i cum daddy? Please?” You ask with pleading eyes not sure how long you'd be able to hold it in.

“I don't know… Do you think you deserve it? Have you been a good girl?” You look at her, pressing your lips together trying to stay quiet. “Yes daddy, I have.” You tell her as you feel like you're about to burst. She smiles down at you as you speak. “Okay baby girl, cum for me then. Cum all over my cock.” Ellie could swear she could feel your walls clenching around her strap. You finally let go and moan as you orgasm. It was so intense that you couldn’t not make sound. She watched you cum as her strap also hit her clit every time she thrusted. She could cum just from looking at you. “That's it… cum all over daddy's cock…” As you hear her low and raspy voice your tummy feels a bit funny. You could cum just from her talking to you like this.

As you come down from your high, Ellie starts going slower as she kisses you, trying to calm you down. She petted your hair as she called you her good girl over and over in your ear quietly. She stopped and took it out slowly, still looking at you trying to catch your breath. She gave you one more kiss and then got up, when you calmed down. She stood in front of you with her strap still on, covered in your cum. By the way she looked at you, you already knew what she wanted next, but you waited for her to say it. “Get on your knees and suck my cock clean like a good girl.” You can't resist her and her voice when she talks to you like that. You sit up and then get out of the bed. You kneel down in front of her. She looks at you the whole time with a smirk on her face. She lines it up with your mouth holding the base. “Open up…” You look up at her as you open your mouth and start sucking her cock. She swears she can feel your mouth on her. She places her other hand on your head and gently guides you as you suck all your cum off of her.

As you finish you look up at her smiling out of breath. She pets your head as she smiles down at you feeling proud of you. She then gets down to your level and kisses you passionately. “That's my good girl.” She praises you by stroking your face. You forgot how much you loved this, how much you missed her treating you like this. She loved every second but she wasn't done with you just yet. Ellie holds you by your neck softly at first, You love when she's rough with you and she loves to go rough on you, knowing you can take it. She looks you in the eye as she starts to squeeze your neck slowly. As she does, she bites her lower lip as she tilts her head back slightly, looking down on you, asserting her dominance. “I’m not done with you…” She whispers in your ear. You feel every hair in your body go up. You feel the adrenaline coursing through your veins as she continues. “I’m going to fuck you until you dont know your name anymore. Until I'm satisfied. You are my fuck toy, got it?” She said this in a very demanding and serious voice. She then looked at you with a very serious expression. You gulp and nod, looking up at her. “Good, now… Get on all fours.” She says as she helps you get on top of the bed. You do as she demanded, remembering her punishments from before. You were in deep now, and Ellie was going to have her way with you.

She watches you as you get into position. She loves when you do as she says. She gets right behind you and gives your ass a light smack. She puts on some more lube on her strap before she fucks you.she hold the base as the other hand holds your hip. “Are you going to behave? You still remember what happens when you are a brat right?” She asks as she alines herself with you and slowly pushes it in. “Yes daddy… “ You whimper as you feel her filling you up again. “That's my good girl.” She starts thrusting into you harder and harder each time. You can't help yourself from letting out some curses and moans. As she hears you she starts going faster. Her boxers are soaked by this point. Her cunt is throbbing as she fucks you. Each push bumps into her clit making her feel her own orgasm building up. You are starting to lose strength on your arms, and with each thrust you just get weaker making your arms give out on you as you land on the mattress on your face. Ellie chuckles at the sight.

“Already tired baby girl? That's too bad, I'm not done with you yet.” She says as she starts thrusting into you harder and harder, making you moan louder. She smacks your ass leaving a red mark. “Shut up slut!” She contninues fucking you relentlenslly as you try to stay silent. You whimper each time she enters you, the knot in your stomach coming undone once more. Ellie grunts as she feels the strap bumping into her clit, making her come closer and closer to her orgasm. You cover your mouth when you feel your own orgasm coming so as not to make her angry with the noise. She notices and starts going even harder on you. “Did I tell you you could cum? Hum?” She asks as she slaps your ass once more. “No daddy…” You respond biting the back of your hand, still trying to stay quiet. “Then what do you think you're doing you brat? You cum only when I let you!” She strikes your ass again. “You are going to be punished, but for now im going to fuck your tigh hole until I cum, so shut up, understood?” She continues to go harder on you, making you whimper as you try to hold your orgasm but being unable to. Not long after, Ellie feels her own orgasm wash over her too. You hear her moans and hisses as she does. “Fuck… “ Her legs start trembling. “Fuck, fuck, fuck…”

You can feel her starting to slow down as she grips the fat of your hips so hard it hurts. She keeps grunting and moaning for a few more seconds before she finally stops fucking you and gets her strap off of you. She gives you a final smack as she stands straight. She takes off her strap and sets it aside to be washed later. When you feel her hand, you collapse on the bed. She looks at you, her eyes sparkling at the mess she made of you. She feels like she's in heaven, having you like this again for her, before her. To use you, to fuck you. She missed you so much. She would often masturbate to the thought of you, calling out your name as she looked at some nudes you had sent her, that she saved only for her own viewing. But she doesn't need to do that anymore, she has you again. All for herself.

You look at her panting, as she takes the strap off. You smile at her slightly, noticing how wet she was. She catches you staring, almost like you were drunk. All red on the face and your eyes half closed from just cumming. “What are you smiling for? I'll make that grin disappear, come here.” She says as she walks towards you. “Get on your knees.” She commands you as you still lay in bed. “Now!” She demands again and you slowly get off the bed and kneel in front of her, still half smiling, almost like you're dazed. She grabs your face and squishes your cheeks. “You think this is funny? You know your punishment right?” You gulp as you remember what she would have you do when you misbehaved. You look up at her with a worried look. “You do know.” She grins as she sees your facial expression change. “But before that, You have something else to do.” She lets go of your face as she gets up. You look up at her, Your eye level now at her hips. “Take them off brat.” She demands and you follow. You take her boxers off slowly looking up at her from time to time. You could see how wet she was. The strings of slick clinging to the fabric as you took them off. “You know what to do now, so be a good girl and clean daddy up.” You nod as you focus on her glistening cunt. You grab her thighs and take a good long lick up her slit, and you can hear her moan, which makes you smile as you continue. Your tongue moves through her folds, up to her clit, earning you some more sweet moans. You start eating her out. She places her hands on the top of your head and grabs some of your hair as your tongue works on her sensitive clit, her moans louder by the second. You want to make her cum, she would very rarely let you do what you were doing just now. She must have been really touch starved the time you were apart. You continue and move your right hand without her noticing as her eyes were closed. She continued moaning and biting her lip as you brought your hand up to her pussy. You massage her clit with your thumb and she looks down at you. “What do you think you're doing?” She asks with an annoyed expression as she pulls you by the hair to see the smirk on your face. You then move your index and middle finger up and down her folds. and go back to licking her clit. She hisses as she feels your tongue and throws her head back.

You start getting your fingers wet and ready, which wasn't difficult since she was a sopping mess. You easily pushed one finger inside her with how wet she was. You heard her moans getting more high pitched and started moving it inside her. She let you take control for a few minutes. She never gave you control. She really missed you and can't resist your touch now. You insert a second finger and she hisses. You start moving them inside her making her become even more vocal. “Fuck… Just like that… don't stop please…” This was music to your ears. You kept going, moving your fingers faster and curling them to hit her special spot. You knew you found it when she grabbed your hair harder so you continued your movements. Your tongue still taking care of her poor throbbing clit. “Fuck… that’s it… Keep going baby…” Her moans got louder signaling her orgasm was close. You continued until her legs were trembling and she pushed your head away lightly. She was panting as she looked down at you as a smile appeared on her flushed face. You sucked her juices off your fingers looking up at her. You then got up and kissed her gently as you wrapped your arms around her.

When you two broke the kiss, she held you for a few seconds before you both layed in bed together cuddling for a bit. A smirk started growing on her face. as she whispered in your ear. “Don't think I forgot about your punishment, little girl.” You look at her face, as yours lost its smile and filled with worry and anticipation. She then grabbed you and laid you over her lap, ass up. “You were a bad girl, and bad girls get spankings…” You gasped when she grabbed you so fast to her lap. As she admired your ass, she could see how worked up you got. “Look at this, did making daddy cum, make my baby girl this wet?... Naughty girl.” You blushed in embarrassment. “Look at how cute you look all flustered like this.” Her smirk grew wider as her fingers traveled to your wet folds. As she moved them you started moaning. “Does my baby want something? You'll have to ask very nicely for daddy to consider it…” She says as she looks at your flushed face, whilst still moving her fingers in your wetness. You took a deep breath as you looked at her. “Please make me cum daddy…” Her pupils blew as she heard your words. “Please use your fingers on me…” You begged once more. She continued to get her fingers wet and ready to penetrate you. She occasionally would stimulate your clit for a few seconds.

“How can I say no when my pretty girl begs me so nicely…” She says as she stuffs two fingers inside you without warning, making you gasp. She chuckles at your reaction and starts pumping her fingers in and out of you with ease. “You practically swallowed my fingers, you really wanted me to fuck you again didn't you?” She chuckles once more at your pathetic state. She inserted a third finger as she watched your hole get stretched by her. Her mouth started watering at the sight. You hissed as you felt her stretch your walls, but you couldn't deny that it felt amazing. “Fuck… look at that…” She then started pumping them in and out inside you again. “I love this daddy…” She smirks and says, “I know you do.” And it only feels like your entire body has felt something almost ethereal. She keeps going at a fast pace, and you feel the sensations growing within you. You feel yourself getting pushed to the absolute extremes, and it’s an overwhelming yet welcoming feeling. She is relentless, she’s finger fucking you so hard that you hear yourself mumbling out some curses without realizing it as the feelings keep intensifying. She was enjoying the feeling of watching you be pushed to your limit, she was enjoying your reactions so much.

She continues the momentum going, moving even quicker and faster than before. You felt even more of the intense feelings moving throughout your entire body, and it felt so much more intense than everything else that she had already done up until this point. She was starting to almost over-stimulate you. You were loving it. Your legs start to tremble as you start moaning louder, you feel that familiar knot in your belly again. She seems to be able to read your body and that you’re reaching a peak. It’s exactly what she is hoping for. For you to cum all over her fingers. You have no idea of just how much further she’s going to take you after this, but she is keeping that as a surprise. You feel your orgasm overcome you completely, not only the feeling but the whole moment as she keeps going. She is pushing your body to the limits and now, you really can’t do anything but succumb to the feeling being given to you. She can't just stop, she loves hearing like this too much. She is going to take you over the edge. Your body is feeling so much that your energy is being sucked right out of you. “Yes baby, that's it… cum for me… cum for daddy…” Her eyes sparkle as she hears the sounds you make. She'll never get tired of the sight of her fingers disappearing inside you.

You succumb to your exhaustion as she stops finally, letting you have a break and letting you breathe and relax from just how intense your orgasm was. She continues going just a little bit to keep your body under her control, but for now, she is allowing you to come down from what you just experienced. “Thank you daddy….” You say, not having the energy to move much. Your words sounded more like a breath than a complete sentence, and she smiles wide again at what you said. She was so happy to have pushed you to your limit, and now, she was letting you rest for a bit. She just keeps lightly touching you, to keep you under her influence still.

She took her fingers out of you looking at your stretched hole, proud of the state she's left you in. She then started rubbing your bare ass in circles. “Now, your punishment for earlier… How many do you think you deserve, hum?” She asked you as her other hand pulled your hair slightly. “I think 15 would teach you a lesson, don't you think?” She spoke in a serious tone now. She wasn't playing around anymore. She saw your worried face and let out a chuckle. “Pathetic.” She said as she spanked you for the first time, you winced at the pain. “Cry all you want, your spanking is gonna happen anyway.” She spanked you a second time and you let out a louder wince. She continued spanking your ass as she counted each one. Every one harder than the last. By the time there were only 5 left, you were crying, and oh how she loved the sight of you. “Only 5 more, baby girl.” She continued counting, your ass was full on red at this point and started to sting a lot. “14…” You screamed at the pain. “Only one more and your punishment is over, ready?” She lifted her hand high and prepared to hit you the hardest of all the spankings. “15!” She spanked you so hard that you screamed. “There, we’re done baby girl.”

She soothed your sore ass by stroking it gently for a few seconds. She then held you in her arms as she kissed your tears away. “It’s okay pretty girl, it's over now. Daddy is proud of you for taking your punishment so well. Let's not have to do that again, yes?” You looked up at her and nodded as your tears continued flowing. “Yes daddy…” She smiled when she heard your voice. “Good girl.” She held you as she comforted you. “Shhh… It's over now…” She rocked you a bit as you were almost in a fetal position. You stayed cuddling for some time and she covered you both with the sheets. She kissed your forehead, you were really tired, almost falling asleep. “I love you so much. You can't even imagine how much I missed you, my baby girl.” She said quietly as she hugged you tighter, pressing your body on hers. You looked up at her and gave her a gentle kiss.

She lays back beside you holding you close after that experience. The way you leant into her touch just made her feel even more comfortable to get to be this close with you again, and she didn’t seem to have any intention of leaving soon either. She keeps holding you close to her and doesn’t seem to want to let go even with this exhaustion hitting you. All you can really do now is just lay in her arms as she holds you. You let out a quiet noise of contentment, feeling your body finally getting a chance to relax after going through all of that. She continues to stroke your hair and your body, and you still continue to just lay there in her embrace. Her light touches are so comforting. It’s like the fatigue doesn’t even matter to her, she just wants you to keep feeling good and under her control. “Thank you daddy…” You mumble out from her gentle touches. Her touch is very delicate, with each stroke being so light. There wasn’t any rush for you to say more things, since the experience was so overwhelming. You actually enjoyed the spanking a bit, but you didn’t quite know why it felt so good. You just continued to lay right where you were, with her gently touching and stroking you.

You look up with a small smile, and she returns the look. You can tell that she is enjoying this time with you, because she can truly see how much of an impact she is able to make. You never thought that you would be this far gone, but she was enjoying seeing you like this, that she had pushed you so far, and you loved every second. You nuzzle into her embrace for a bit. She wraps her arms around you and pulls you closer to her as you nuzzle into her embrace. She continues her gentle stroking on your body with her fingers, and the warm feeling of satisfaction covers her completely. She liked the feeling of you being in her care, and she liked what she was able to make you feel. You ended up falling asleep in her arms, succumbing to your exhaustion. Ellie continued to hold you and look at you while you fell asleep. You looked so serene, she would never get tired of your beautiful face. She kissed your forehead one more time and continued to stroke you gently. “I love you so much, I never want to be without you again.” She whispered as not to wake you up. She continued to look at you lovingly until she herself eventually fell asleep too.

You and Ellie were a couple again. You were so happy to have her back in your life. She made all the effort she needed to gain your trust back again. She treated you like a princess. With all the love you deserve. As time passed you started to trust her again, and forgave her past behavior. You loved her and she loved you. That was all that mattered and as long as you had each other, Everything would be okay. She was so grateful for your forgiveness. She stopped smoking and drinking and became the Ellie you fell in love with. Her grades went up and you were so proud of her progress. She would never leave your side again, you are the most important thing in the world for her. She will do anything to never be without you again.

Author's notes: Hi! i had a blast writing this one! I hope you liked it, I really liked writing it! Feedback is always welcome and likes and reblogs are always encouraged! Thank you!

#ellie tlou #ellie williams #ellie williams x you #ellie williams the last of us #ellie the last of us #ellie smut #ellie williams smut #ellie williams fanfiction #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x female reader #Spotify

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i-hate-what-ive-done · 1 year

Text

Hey, I’m recovering from anorexia, you should too. Do not scroll away, you need to here this.

(Tw for the tags, ignore them. I just needed reach.)

Imagine waking up 5 weeks from now, still starving. Still dying. Still su1c1dal and depressed. You can see yourself like that, can’t you? Fine, but what about 5 weeks from now? 5 months? You won’t be alive by 5 years if you keep starving and self distrusting. This disorder will kill you, and do not say “good, I want that” because that is not you saying that. That is your disorder.

I understand you, and we are sick. Your thinking you’re just becoming healthy, you think you’re becoming worthy and lovable, you think you’re becoming beautiful and handsome. Well you are wrong. You have always been healthy, beautiful, handsome, lovable and worthy. This disorder is making you believe you never felt/were these things so it can make you believe that happiness/beauty/worth/control=skinny. Anorexia is a sick, twisted liar. It is not your friend. It dose not make you feel good.

Anorexia lingers before and after it’s truly here. It will shame your food, clothes, hobbies and family until you break and crumble into anorexias arms. Anorexia not only hurts you, but everyone around you too. Have you noticed how distant you and your friends are? Your family? Yourself? Anorexia thrives in isolation. It will make you angry and sad so you lash out at people, it will make you fear having fun with others, it will torment you and the people you love. It is hard to recover because anorexia is trying to break you just like before.

Are your grades dropping? Is your work becoming sloppy on the job? Do your sentences make sense? Obviously not, you are dying. Your body dosent have the energy to make you function properly. Your organs are failing, your heart is slowing down, your brain is malfunctioning. How many damn times must I say this? You are dying. You have something to live for, a sibling, a pet, a friend, a unfulfilled wish, work, graduation, hobbies, getting better at something, trying something new and even recovery. Do not let this pathetic parasite kill you.

Asking for help is horrifying, sometimes dangerous, but recovery is possible. You need to recover, you are thin enough, you are sick enough, you have been hurt enough. It’s time to live. So take that little energy you have left and get help. I’m doing recovery on my own, so if solo recovery works for you then that’s okay, as long as your recovering. Killing anorexia isn’t just eating a fear food or eating when your hungry, though. Recovery is embracing every insecurity, seeing where this truly started, healing our relationship with food, family, our body and how people have treated us. It will hurt and you will relive every trauma that started this, and it will be hard to not relapse when this time comes, but listen to me and not the voice screaming.

Recovery is worth every ounce of pain. Your fear, your guilt, your trauma’s? all gone. It will never disappear, but it will become a better memory. It won’t hurt to remember. It won’t hurt to be alive. I’m sorry this has happened to us, I love you. Never give up, hope is not gone, recovery is waiting for you on the other side. You are ready.

(national suicide prevention hotline.) 1-800-273-TALK

(national eating disorder hotline) 1-800-931-2237

(National alliance on mental illness) 1-800-950-NAMI

(Anorexia and related eating disorder hotline) 1-888-375-7767

(Substance abuse and mental health hotline.) 1-800-662-HELP

(National domestic violence hotline.) 800-799-7233

(National sexual abuse hotline.) 1-800-656-4673

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strawbeerossi · 10 months

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I seen that you write angst and I have an idea to share with you because of some personal things that I went through with my own family.

Do you think you can write something about fem!reader and Spencer finding out that one of their children has leukemia? Maybe with death involved to show how intricate this situation can affect families? I know it’s a very loaded topic so I completely understand if you don’t wanna do it but I think you’d master the topic beautifully based off of your angst writing. ❤️

I hope you’re doing alright today, Tay

First off, I’m so sorry for your loss, lovebug. I hope I do this justice and thank you for trusting me with this topic. My DMs are open if you ever need to talk. 🩵

And I'm good today, thank you, honey.

Vilomah: Bereaved Parents

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid

Description: After their son succumbs to his illness, the Reid parents have to navigate the grieving process together along with the team who are there to help.

Content Warning: Child death, leukemia, details about a hospital stay, extreme grief after loss, a child’s funeral, parental grief, mentions struggles with eating, spousal argument, lots of tears, descriptions of feeling empty and depression, the team is there for the Reids, spousal comfort, hurt/comfort.

Word Count: 3.3K

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I cried like a baby writing this. I hope I captured what you were looking for anon.

“Memories saturate my heart and the story of you spills from my eyes.” – Grace Andren

There were many horrors that Spencer faced in his line of work; murderers, rapists, cannibals, the lot of it. He was also faced with grief more often than not, losing Maeve and Gideon being the two most notable times where he was forced to face the fact that everybody dies at some point, no matter who they are.

That wasn’t enough to prepare him for the cruelest thing life had to throw at him. Benjamin was diagnosed with leukemia when he was just two months shy of four-years-old, more specifically it was Chronic Myeloid Leukemia.

The first few months were seemingly okay. He was responding well with the treatment, his little body growing stronger with each passing day. There were plenty of ice cream days to celebrate whenever Ben could function as good as he could before the cancer. Not to mention all the gifts his aunt Penelope would send.

There was hope, so much hope that Y/N and Spencer didn’t let the thoughts of losing their son loom over their head.

That was until he got sick again, this time much worse. It happened suddenly, Ben went from eating some fruit snacks and watching a movie to losing consciousness and growing pale. Spencer never thought he could get home faster than what he did when he got the phone call. Emily sent him home immediately after hearing the news, telling him to get home to his family and that she would check in.

The next few weeks were spent in the hospital, the bright lights being harsh on the eyes of the sore eyes of the Reid parents. Y/N didn’t sleep but for a few hours a night, any small movement or sound from Ben or his machines waking her up. Spencer had grown to not sleep for that long, surviving off maybe an hour a night and ten cups of coffee to push forward the following morning.

However, the suffocating realization of the inevitable was starting to soak in. Spencer wanted nothing more than for his son to make a recovery but as a man of science, that hope dissipated as he noticed the signs. People got better before death, so whenever Ben was showing all the signs of surging, it was enough to kill Spencer.

Even after they had a conversation with their doctor, the woman telling them that surging typically happens one to two days before death, it was like Y/N wouldn’t take that. She would say that he was fine, that he was healing.

It was denial.

The day they lost him was the hardest of them all. The air was suffocating that morning, there being a bitter winter chill. Spencer had gone to work, as usual. There was a case, one about a man who was killing women who resembled his birth mother after she rejected him from her life. He was distracted, like any father on the verge of losing his child would be.

He knew he shouldn’t have gone to work but he was losing his mind, being overwhelmed with the knowledge of the inevitable. He liked to think that if he and Y/N didn’t discuss it, it wasn’t real. As a man of science, he knew the risks of believing something like that.

Still, he gave himself false hope.

However, his heart stopped beating for a split second as he could feel his phone buzzing, the world freezing around him as he couldn’t hear the others around him. He knew what this call was. It took JJ shaking Spencer’s shoulders to snap him out of his thoughts. “I have to go.”

Making it to the hospital, he dreaded going inside. However, he was running through the hospital doors not bothering to check in at the front desk as he was going as fast as his legs could carry him to reach his son’s hospital room.

Judging by the heart wrenching screams of agony from his wife on the other side of the door, Spencer knew what to expect as his shaking hand was opening the hospital door. The sight of his wife cradling their son was enough to make him drop to his knees.

The nurses and doctors looked at the small family, feeling the sting of heartache as they’d gotten to know the Reid’s over the past year.

Spencer’s legs were like jelly, the tears cascading his face being enough where he was sure he could fill up the hospital room in tears, enough to drown in. They were able to stay as long as they wanted to, even if it was hours later.

“Do you have his blanket?” Y/N asked, voice raw from the screaming and uncontrollable sobbing from before. “I don’t want him to get cold..” She whispered, looking at their son who looked like he was sleeping against his father’s chest. “In the bag.” The words were shaky, the father keeping his son close while letting his forehead rest against Benjamin’s smaller one.

After they were laying the little boy down again, Y/N was slowly putting the blanket over the child before she was leaning down to kiss his forehead, which had begun to grow cold from the hours his parents took to say goodbye. The parents clung to one another as they were being forced to walk out of the hospital.

After that, their life lost all its color. Waking up to an alarm rather than to a happy little boy jumping on their bed just wasn’t the same. There was no laughter in the house, no warmth. The atmosphere was just as cold as the weather outside. No matter how many days that Penelope came over with baskets filled with small goodies to try and lift their spirits, or how Luke would come by to check in and bring food over that the two parents just couldn’t stomach.

The day of the funeral was when every ounce of denial was fizzing away. Next came anger. Y/N was moving a bit slow, honestly not wanting to rush and be greeted with the sad looks of their friends and family. Spencer was ready twenty minutes prior, wanting to rush the grieving process and just accept everything immediately, even if it was impossible.

“Please hurry up.” His voice was laced with irritation, making wife look up from her shoes as she was playing with the strap. “I am hurrying..” She spoke softly, a frown on her face as she slowly got the shoes on. “You don’t have to have an attitude, by the way.”

That was the start of something ugly.

“Well, you don’t have to take thirty years and expect Benji to walk through the door.” The words were deep cutting, very uncharacteristic of the loving man she married.The words had his wife stunned in place, her mouth falling open. “You don’t have to be an asshole and keep reminding me of where we are going.” She spat, moving to brush her hair back before standing.

“You can’t keep acting like things are going to change. He’s gone, Y/N. No matter how bad we want him back, we will never get him back.” They were growing angry at one another at the wrong time. Before the yelling could start, there was a soft knock on the door. With a soft sigh, Spencer was turning around and heading to the sound of the soft knocking.

The sight behind the door was enough to make his heart clench. There was Derek, the man offering a sad smile. “Hey, kid. I came to pick you two up. How’s the missus doing?” He asked, chuckling as Spencer was rushing to tightly hug his best friend, his hand slowly patting the younger male’s back. “Hi Derek.” Y/N offered a weak smile once she was closing the bedroom door.

“Hey mama.” His voice was soft and careful, heading over to wrap his arms around the woman before kissing her cheek. “I was thinking that after everything, we could all go out to lunch.” He wasn’t stupid, he could tell that the two parents were neglecting themselves, he’d talked to the team.

This was a sensitive time, so he understood. However, he wasn’t going to sit idly by either. He’d be damned if he let them both slowly waste away. Benjamin sure as hell wouldn’t have wanted that.

“I don’t know, Derek. I don’t think I can deal with everyone looking at us with pity. You know how many people have told me that they hugged their babies tighter because of this situation? It hurts. Not nearly as helpful as people think..” The woman spoke while slowly rubbing her face.

“It’ll just be us. The team, our family.” He attempted to coax both parents, the two not being able to get out of it in the end.

The three eventually made it to the graveyard where they were confronting the one thing that they didn’t want to face. The Reids were approaching the plot that they’d purchased for the family, Y/N having to collect herself at the sight of the coffin waiting by the open plot.

“There you two are,” Penelope looked like she’d been sobbing already, her arms wrapping tightly around both parents. That was where the floodgates broke, both of them tightly clutching onto the blonde enough to suffocate her.

The ceremony was beautiful, despite the flood of tears and pain deep in the chests of all that were closest to the child who they were laying to rest. It was something honorable, Benji even having his uncle Aaron there to say a final goodbye. Even surrounded by love, there was still an emptiness, a void that would never be filled.

What came next made things worse, the parents having to say goodbye as soon as the casket was being lowered in its plot, Y/N and Spencer wrapped up in one another’s embrace while their hands were clutching each other’s clothing. The wife was letting her head rest against her husband’s shoulder, their tears soaking one another’s clothes and hair.

It was just them now, with the ghost of their sweet angel who would keep a watchful eye over his parents, whether they knew it or not.

Dave was approaching the parents, his hand resting on Spencer’s shoulder as he cleared his throat to catch their attention. “I want you both to know that I will be here for you both, always.” David Rossi, the father of the team, it seemed. As well as being uncle Dave to all the kids, Benji included.

“I heard that you two agreed to come to lunch.” He spoke softly, eliciting a small smile from Y/N. “We are.” She said softly, truly unable to say no to him. “We are having it in my backyard. Why don’t you two ride with me?” He suggested, making both Spencer and his wife look at one another.

They weren't getting out of this, so they complied and followed behind David.

The only problem was that so many amazing things happened in that backyard, Benji’s baby shower being one of them.

“Baby Reid is getting so big,” JJ gushed, her hand on Y/N’s swollen bump as the woman laughed in content. “Isn’t he? He’s also been kicking the hell out of my ribs, I feel like he's punishing me.” Y/N joked.

Finding out that she was pregnant was the best thing that ever happened. Of course, there were jokes of Spencer and Y/N not even waiting a year after they got married before she was already pregnant.

It was funny, really. Spencer was highly convinced that the baby was conceived on the first week of their honeymoon, the two being a little too into that talk while they were in the middle of sex, the filthy words of her being swollen with his baby becoming literal.

Diana was thrilled the moment that she saw her son and his wife on one of their visits, the woman being more thrilled at the prospect of her little Spencer having a child of his own. She would say that she knew before they even told her.

“Mothers always know, Spencer. We are animals, we can feel things.” Were her exact words, something that she said Y/N would understand one day.

“Bella!” David smiled, the term of endearment being a newer one that he used for Y/N after the pregnancy, something about how she looked gorgeous because she was glowing. It was sweet, she had to admit it. “Hi, David.” Y/N grinned, her arms wrapping around the older man in a hug before she was pulling away. “You and Penelope did a beautiful job, by the way!”

Almost as if she were summoned, the bubbly blonde was hurrying over to flash a smile. “There you are my gorgeous girl! How are you feeling?” She asked, her hand cautiously rubbing her baby bump once Y/N gave her the okay.

“I’m doing good, actually. This boy is gonna be the death of me though. I was craving dirt the other day.” Her nose crinkled. “Weirdness. However, this baby is a Reid so that’ll explain it better than anything else.” Penelope joked.

“It’s actually more normal than you might think. One theory links pica cravings to iron deficiencies. Another theory suggests these cravings develop as an adaptive response to the way the immune system changes during pregnancy.” Spencer smiled while letting his arms wrap around his wife from behind, his lips pressing a kiss to her cheek before his hands were coming underneath the heavy bump, lifting it up gently to take some of the pain from his wife’s back.

It was enough to make the woman sigh of relief as her head was tilted back against his shoulder. “You are such a lifesaver.” She breathed while briefly closing her eyes.

Spencer was attentive and loving, paying attention to her much more after the pregnancy was discovered.

This was a dream.

This was a nightmare, the memories rushing back to Y/N as she was walking into the backyard where all those sweet memories lived. It was emotionally draining, so much so that her hand was reaching aimlessly for Spencer’s.

As soon as her husband realized what she was doing, he was slowly approaching his wife and letting his hand tightly grip onto hers. He didn’t realize how bad they needed this, to have a reminder that they still had each other. He figured it was implied but this made a bit of weight lift off his chest.

“I know it may be a bit hard to laugh right now,” Penelope began as she was offering a smile. “But I know how much Benji used to love having dinner with all of us, no matter where we went.” She began, making a soft, sad smile spreading across Y/N’s face.

“So, I figured that I would honor one of my favorite godson’s in the best way possible. Instead of boring adult food, I made extra sure to get the best of the best.” Being a four-year-old, Benjamin was just as picky as the next kid.

“Don’t tell me,” Spencer began, looking over as she was happily showing off the meal she had catered. It consisted of all the essential food groups of a young child; chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, and french fries.

Hank, Michael, Henry, the Simmons children and Jack were all over the idea of that. The adults, though, couldn’t help the soft laughter. “Benji would definitely approve.” Y/N offered a soft smile, shaking her head fondly. “Even up until the end, he had to have his nuggets.” Spencer added, a few tears springing up in his eyes at the pleasant memory, even in the darkest time of their lives.

“I don’t want that..” Benjamin wrinkled his nose as he was pushing away the soup that the hospital was giving him, making Spencer look up from his book. “It’s good for you, Benji. Try it.” He urged on, a smile as he put the book down after finding his bookmark.

“Daddy, no. It’s yucky. It smells yucky.” He continued on, the four year old running the spoon through the bowl.

Like his mother, he was dramatic about it, gagging at the mere thought of eating what he was given. “I want chicken nuggets.” He whined out, now looking at his mother, who was sighing in content.

“Take a few bites and try it! If you try it and you don’t like it, I’ll go get you some nuggets. Sounds fair?” She asked, keeping the stern tone yet offering a sweet smile, knowing damn well that he’d get his way in the end anyway. Even if he liked the soup.

“I’ll try it but I might be sick, mama.” He warned, looking at the broth with vegetables before he was taking a good amount on the spoon.

He eyed it over before pushing it into his mouth. Both parents couldn’t help the laughter falling from their lips as Benji pulled a face, looking offended he was even made to try it.

“Blegh! Nasty!” The animated child was pushing the tray table away as Y/N was already getting up to grab her keys. “I’m going! I’m going! Make sure that you watch your daddy, you know he likes getting into too much trouble.”

As everyone had a plate in front of them, everyone was looking at the Reids, expectant of them to get up. Derek was the one who was already making two plates before placing them down in front of the two. “There you are pretty boy and pretty girl, no need to get up.” He knew what he was doing.

Even with the lack of appetite, Y/N was slowly picking up her fork before collecting a bit of the mac and cheese on her fork, slowly moving to push the fork in her mouth. She didn’t realize just how hungry she was before that bite. Of course, barely eating for two weeks would do that to you.

Spencer seemed to be on the same page, the two unknowingly eating like they hadn’t eaten in years. The group said nothing about it, although they shared collective glances and their eyes were glistening over with relief.

They were eating enough to actually keep themselves alive, to keep themselves from falling ill and being stuck in the hospital being fed through IVs. After all they went through, they didn’t need to be in another hospital for a long time.

The rest of the day was spent with their family rather than them being locked up at home, real smiles gracing their features for the first time in forever. Being together in a quiet home was taking a huge hit at their mental health.

This was what they needed. Their full support system.

It was later on in the evening before Y/N and Spencer had gotten home, the two ordering takeout for dinner whenever they arrived at home. The wife was looking over the picture of their family that she had hanging up in the kitchen, a soft smile on her face. He looked so peaceful today, didn’t he?” She asked, her voice soft.

“No more pain, no more weakness.. Just peaceful.” Spencer added on, looking up from his hands. “Y/N.. I’m sorry about what I said earlier. It was horrible to say,” He said as his wife was offering a gentle smile. “I understand. It’s hard right now but.. Spencer, I love you. With every fiber of my being. Please remember that.”

It was what he needed to hear, his head nodding. “I know. I love you so much, baby. Thank you. I’m here for you, even if you just need to cry and be taken care of.” The taller man was standing up before heading over to tightly hug his wife. “You’re so strong. So fucking strong.” He spoke softly while kissing the top of her head.

All they needed to power through this together was each other, they would make it through this for Benji over all else. It was what he would've wanted , their love to persevere.

224 notes · View notes

skazoo · 10 months

Text

still do.

↳ choi jongho x f!reader

he couldn't stop loving you, even if he tried. and he did try for some time. it just didn't work.

length. 3.7k

genre. exes (and friends) to lovers, fluff, crack and a sprinkle of inevitable angst (i'm sorry).

warnings/tags. language, mention of death, mention of illness of a loved one, implied depression, .

networks. @kflixnet k-labels

notes. hello with another "this was supposed to be just teeth rotting fluff but somehow turned a little depressing and angsty on its own, i swear i didn't touch anything" do we see a pattern here? bc i do. i offer this lil jongho fic after sm time of absolutely nothing but i've finished my exams literally the other day, (DURING PRIDE MONTH!?!?? unacceptable) hope you like it!!

i'm desperate for feedback and i love comments with your opinion!

(cross-posted on ao3 only)

navigation

it’s a well-known fact —to your friend group, to the employees of the cafè on the way to your apartment, to the old lady that sells flowers at the corner of the big building you work at— that choi jongho not only likes you but he’s irremediably and unequivocally in love with you.

and that is still not right because jongho doesn’t just love you, no, that would be too obvious, too easy. he still loves you.

if he goes back enough in his memories, jongho could say he’s always loved you.

he’s never been one to believe in love at first sight so when wooyoung drunkenly introduced the two of you at his birthday party, and he found himself unable to breathe let alone speak a coherent sentence to you, he immediately panicked. was he having a heart attack? a stroke? he was healthy, an athlete! how could this be happening to him!? he even made his own doctor hate him with all the panicked questions he asked the poor man on the phone but apparently, all he needed to relatively calm down was wooyoung’s loud laugh as he told him that he simply had a crush on you.

did he have a crush on you?

you, with your beautiful smile and melodic laugh and sparkling eyes and– okay, yeah. he did have a crush on you but who wouldn’t!?

strong argument indeed, he thought.

that fateful night was only the start of a happiness he didn’t know he was able to experience.

you became friends, then best friends, then something more and then you were kissing, sleeping, and cuddling in bed together, going on cute little dates, and showing more PDA jongho ever imagined doing.

he thought you were happy with him. navigating life with the same confused curiosity all young adults seem to innately possess.

then something happened that he couldn’t have ever predicted. and not because he wasn’t paying attention to you or because he was slacking off with his boyfriend duties, no. it came as a complete shock to everyone —you included, in a sense— because the signs just weren’t there.

out of the blue, without notice, you broke up with him. after a year and for reasons that are still beyond his comprehension.

questions thundered into his mind asking why you had come to the heartbreaking decision, why you had sent him a ‘we need to talk’ text at 2am in the morning, and why he’d later found you at the front door of his apartment with tear-stained cheeks and puffy eyes, soft whimpers vaguely sounding like ‘sorry’ and ‘it’s not your fault’.

if he thinks back to that night, jongho gets chills from how scared he was; holding your body to his chest, not knowing what to do or what to say, not knowing who hurt you or why you were hurting.

when he thinks back to that night —something he finds himself doing more often than his heart can take— jongho clearly remembers the silent promise he repeated in his head at least a thousand times after you went back to your apartment. a promise he’s set on keeping.

and it’s for that very promise that he now sits in the crowded cafe downtown, drinking an overrated caramel macchiato and hiding behind a book he has no interest in.

at least it’s what he tells himself. that he came to the same coffee shop you told him you’d be meeting your date at because that’s what friends do. he tells himself he’s wearing a mask and sunglasses inside because he can and will love you platonically if that’s what you need or want. jongho tells himself a lot of things and he hopes he’s strong enough to believe in them in a way that will make them reality sooner or later.

but it’s not like two booths away from him you’re faring any better.

are people outside your friend group really this boring and uninteresting? have men always been this arrogant and full of themselves? was your current ex-boyfriend the exception that proves the incredibly unfair rule?

when you met jongho you knew you were lucky. hot college athlete with sarcasm to match yours and a badly concealed heart of pure gold? you knew you hit the jackpot. but you weren’t ready to realize that he really was one in a million men that actually put in the effort to go beyond the bare minimum.

why is it, though?

the question threatens to break loose all the pent-up frustration this date is generously providing you with and you opt to ignore it and hide it in the back of your mind for another occasion. one that includes cheap wine, pizza, and an equally bewildered yunjin sitting on your couch with funny socks and mouth full.

for now, you only limit yourself to throwing a fake smile at the obnoxious man sitting in front of you who’s spent the entirety of this heinous date talking exclusively about himself and his crypto-currency business.

he’s finishing what you think is a long rant about the stock market when he moves to get up.

you think you’re finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but he just lets out an annoying chuckle and looks at you with his small and pig-like patronizing eyes. “don’t worry, love. i’m not leaving you i’m just going to ‘powder my nose’, how you girlies say.” he winks and you resist the urge to gag at how… slimy he looks and feels.

as soon as he’s out of sight you let yourself slump on the small table, groaning a bit as you do so.

what were you even thinking? you tell yourself that today is going to be a well-suffered lesson for your future self: no dates with people that quote elon musk as if he’s some kind of greek philosopher.

your hands reach for the phone in your bag on their own. the last message you received was a sarcastic ‘have fun’ from wooyoung in the group chat but other than that everything is quiet, seemingly wanting to punish you for going against your friends’ advice to bail on the guy as soon as you saw him treat the barista like shit.

under the group chat, jongho’s name glares at you.

you would be lying if you said out loud that this date didn’t have the sole purpose of distracting you from the claustrophobic guilt you’re feeling lately.

jongho had never really cried in front of you but you swear if you could you’d erase the image of his damp eyes looking at you with confusion on that ugly night. and if you have to be honest you’d erase the encouraging but strained smiles he gives you now that you’re back at being friends too, because they don’t do anything but make you feel a shittier person than you already think you are. but maybe you deserve it. maybe this is finally going to be the occasion in which you understand that your actions have consequences.

your fingers work quicker than your brain can catch up, and before you realize it, you open again the conversation with jongho that ended before you went out and start typing.

> you: wyd?

> jjong: you’re on a date

> jjong: focus

> you: what is this an exam?

> you: nevermind this was a bad idea…

> jjong: texting me or the date?

> you: shut up

> you: the date

> jjong: aw i’m sorry i could have told you that like,, an hour ago

> jjong: oh wait

> jjong: i did!

another groan leaves your lips, only this time laced with a small chuckle at his antics. you mark the message as seen and throw your phone back into the bag.

you hope other people can't see how much you miss him.

while you’re too focused on burning holes in the bathroom door from how hard you’re staring at it, dreading the moment it will open to reveal your current problem, in the loud noise of the cafe you don’t hear the heavy stomps of someone approaching you from behind.

only when you feel two warm hands plant themselves on your shoulders and you hear a familiar voice muttering to itself something that sounds like ‘found you’, you’re forced out of your angry trance state and you’re asked to quickly choose between either your fight or flight instincts. you throw a blind punch and the person creeping up on you folds into two.

but that’s on him because who creeps on someone sitting alone at a table and touches them without making themselves known? what happened to ‘hello, what a coincidence to see you here’? what happened to manners?

you snap your head to the figure behind you and you let your panic subside but your annoyance rises.

“how– what are you doing here!?” your words come out in a hiss that makes the old couple sitting in the booth behind you turn around and look at you with judgy eyes but that doesn’t affect jongho in the slightest.

“saving you? duh.”

“who asked you that?!”

“what– Y/N, you texted me even before you met the guy, may i add. and the message said: ‘please end my suffering.’ in my book that’s a cry for help!”

he’s right but you let out an affronted huff anyway. arms crossed and lips in a pout you know is childish. “whatever.”

you feel him staring at you with a raised eyebrow and a smug smirk that you, oh so badly want to wipe off his face.

“what?” you spat. your tone more embarrassed than you’d like to let on.

“what, what?”

“what the fuck are you smiling for?”

he throws his arms in the air exasperatedly. “am i not allowed to be happy now?”

“of course you are, it’s just… you being happy,” you air-quote to punctuate your suspicions on his current joyous disposition. “usually means wooyoung fell or someone got hurt.”

he laughs. “do you think so lowly of me, Y/N?”

“shut up.” the napkin you’ve been fidgeting with because of the irrational panic rising in your guts is now messily crumpled on the table and you groan at the whole situation. head in your hands and eyes closed. you’re so bad at this.

what happened to moving on? what happened to leaving jongho alone because he doesn’t deserve someone treating him like shit? you broke up with him supposedly to save him, but, not even three months in, and now that your mind is clearer you think it’s okay to want him back? to feel full again every time you talk about the things you did together and bask in the silence that follows with a warm knowing smile? you think it’s good to let your eyes wander to his face when you know he’s not looking, falling in love all over again? to feel your face involuntary stretch into a smile every time you spot him waiting for you outside work?

whatever your fucking problem is, you’re scared that you’ll come to find out its only solution is the person you fought so hard to push away. because what if you managed to scare away the last source of happiness you had? it’s selfish, you know, but it’s also the only thing you can think about as he looms over you; body so dangerously close to yours that you can catch the flowery perfume he always wears.

you think he’s speaking to you because his big hand is outstretched in your direction and his eyes are looking at you expectantly, with a veiled urgency.

“sorry, what?”

“i said get up and let’s go.”

“go where exactly?”

he rolls his eyes and you keep to yourself the striking resemblance he has with a spoiled child right at this moment.

“c’mon, we’re living this tinder nightmare here.”

“oh, are we?” you ask equal parts amused and curious of where this little skit of his is going.

when his deadpan expression doesn’t shift into one of his gummy smiles at your slightly annoying antics you know something impulsive and possibly embarrassing is about to happen and you know you will be the only person who will have any sort of unnecessary remorse out of the two of you.

your hands fly to your parted mouth and you hiss at him again. “are you serious!?”

he smiles.

“jongho, no.”

jongho yes, the mischievous look he throws you seems to proudly announce.

he checks the toilet door one last time before gently grabbing your arm and not-so-gently yanking you out of the booth. a surprised squeal leaves your mouth but not a word of protest is heard from you.

“oh my god, i’m really doing this.”

his eyes are set on the door and he speaks without looking at you. “doing what?”

“leaving someone like that while they’re in the bathroom! that’s so… i don’t know jjong, that’s so rude!”

you see his shoulder shake and you know if he were to face you right now you’d see one of his shit-eating grins. what you can’t imagine is the softness in his eyes as you call him with your nickname for him. he missed it. he misses you. painfully, completely, constantly.

his wide strides are followed by your frantic steps as he maneuvers the two of you out of the door and into the busy downtown street.

“so what? do you wanna go back in there and risk being bored to death by a guy that’s not even a quarter of what you deserve?”

“wha– no! i just–”

“then why should you feel sorry for that sad excuse of a date, uh? like, really, he took you to the most overrated place he could think of, Y/N. he didn’t even know you don’t like coffee!”

you chuckle at the frown of deep offense that blooms on his face. his lips in an affronted pout. “but that’s what the date is for, jjong. he couldn’t have possibly known.”

he stops in his tracks when he’s far away enough from the crowd in line waiting to be granted entrance to the place you just left.

“i do, though.” an imperceptible strain to his voice as his eyes search yours in a way that’s almost desperate. “i know you don’t like coffee and that you like to sleep on the right side of the bed and that you just have to sing that ridiculous song to tie your shoes because otherwise, for some inexplicable reason i still have to understand, you can’t.”

has the world around you stopped? your ears are ringing from the deafening silence and you feel like everyone around you has stopped breathing and is waiting for you to say something to the boy in front of you who stares you down in determined distress.

“i know you, Y/N.”

you know he deserves an explanation. him more than anyone in your life. him more than yourself, even. jongho with his proverbial patience that let you cry and consoled you the whole night even after you’d told him you were breaking up with him. jongho that didn’t push or torment you with questions the days after. jongho who accepted —maybe in pure and raw self-preservation— to go back to being just friends, with tears in his eyes and a smile on his lips because that’s what you’d told him you needed at that moment. his kindness that, more often than not, you’re convinced you don’t deserve.

“i know.” you close on yourself, your arms coming to hug you tight so that he can’t see the cracks that constantly try to spread over your skin. “i know you do.” an imperceptible whisper that threatens to drown in the buzz of the busy city around you.

“then why?” his eyes are pleading and his voice is quiet when he speaks again.

“i know i should give you time and i know you’ll tell me one day but please–” he gulps down a lump that you know he’s had for at least three months. one of worry, confusion, and guilt. one you know you gave him.

“–please, give me something. anything.”

silence.

“Y/N, please say someth–”

“my mother was sick, jongho. she still is.” the line you’ve dreaded crossing for so long is no longer a line. the wall that’s been standing in between you and everyone else now has a hole in it.

“i was out of my mind just from the news of her condition, i– i wasn’t well mentally and physically just from that and i saw time slip through my fingers, felt every single second like a punch to the guts. i threw away all the clocks in my mother’s house, i started sleeping on the floor outside her bedroom, i– the week i told you i was busy with deadlines, we were still together, remember?” he nods, small but it’s there.

“i spent those days obsessing over something that was not yet real. my brother had to slip me sleeping pills to let me close my eyes for even a second.” your voice cracks because the guilt you get from just looking at jongho always has to be added to the guilt you feel when seonghwa kindly asks you how you’re doing lately.

“i-i was a mess just from that and i didn’t want you to be with me when what i was scared of was going to finally become a reality. i didn’t want you to see me like that because i didn’t think it was what you deserved. and you may be unable to understand and yell at me that it had to be your choice and not mine but i still don’t think that what i did was wrong, i’m sorry.”

the apology floats in the air between you. it’s not articulate or rich but it’s the only one you can get out at the moment.

“my psychologist says– he says i’m doing better now. we agree that the worst is over but there’s this… unknown that hangs over my head and every second that passes i don’t know if this guillotine will cut my head off or miss me by a hair.”

he just looks at you with that unreadable expression that scares you.

“i didn’t– i don’t want to go back to when the worst wasn’t over and i’m scared that if i give myself back to you i will take you down with me one way or the other.”

you don’t know what you expect him to say or do after you just vomited everything you’re constantly trying to keep hidden, on him, but his loud silence is starting to feel too heavy, unsettling.

he doesn’t feel present, his eyes unfocused and unblinking.

he shakes his head as if to wake up from a trance and looks at you with eyes too full of love. no pity in them and you want to thank him for it.

“ba– Y/N why didn’t you tell me?”

the simple question throws you off.

why did you do the things you did?

why does anyone do things?

you want to cry and tell him that not everything has an explanation. not a logical one anyways.

“i don’t know, okay! i wasn’t sure how you felt! god, i didn’t know how i felt and–”

“how could i have ever felt!? we were together for more than a year, Y/N. i loved you. i still do.”

“w-what?”

he lets out a chuckle that is not mocking or mean or condescending, not one you would’ve expected from anyone else. it’s kind and soft and a little bit amused, much to your irritation. “do you find it surprising?”

you open your mouth to say something but he beats you to it.

“i am in love with you, have been since the moment i saw you at that stupid party and when you told me you had to break up with me i just– Y/N, i couldn’t let you go or stop loving you, even if i tried. and believe me, i did try for some time, but it just didn’t work.”

with tears clouding your vision you’re surprised you manage to find the time or strength to tease him. “you tried?”

and apparently, it is those two words that make him break out of the containment chamber he’s forcing himself to be trapped in. he smashes through the protective glass in true jongho fashion. a well-placed punch and the chains that kept him away from you thinking that’s what you needed, dissolve into thin air as he closes the distance, messily rushing to you and caging you in a desperate hug that steals the air from your lungs.

you feel his hands claw at the back of your shirt and it’s the heartbreaking and deep affection that allows you to accept that you’re not difficult and you will not be. not to him, not to the people that love you.

he buries his nose in your hair, breathing you in like he wants to absorb you forever, then everything that happens next goes naturally, smoothly, following a line that was always supposed to be the one and only.

it fits perfectly. when you kiss and it's like the universe, your friend group, the employees of the cafè on the way to your apartment, the old lady that sells flowers at the corner of the big building you work at, knew it was meant to be.

you both stand with your eyes closed, embracing each other.

he wants to be a person who deserves you and whom you deserve. jongho loves you and he wants to be there, picking up your pieces, putting you together like a puzzle, taking his time.

you sniff, looking up at him with what you hope looks like a soft expression and not some sort of a pained smile. “hi.”

“hey.” he smiles back, thumbs caressing away stray tears.

“you know that i saw you sitting there the second i stepped foot into the coffee shop.

“you did not.”

“you were reading the book upside-down.”

he blushes but his arms tightens around you.

“i was not.”

#jongho x reader #choi jongho x reader #ateez x reader #k-labels #kflixnet #jongho #choi jongho #ateez jongho #ateez x you #ateez #ateez fic #ateez fluff

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raytorosaurus · 2 years

Note

hi!! i’m so lost about these new leaks. could you please give some insight about what the paper kingdom is at all?? i’d really appreciate it

oooh okay my wifi's p bad rn so just off the top of my head: mcr had planned and partially recorded a new album before they broke up that was never released. it was called the paper kingdom and it had a dark fairytale concept: apparently it was about a group of people meeting at a support group for parents who had lost their children, and they came together and imagined a fantasy world (the paper kingdom) where their children were still alive and fighting dragons and witches instead of illness etc as a coping mechanism. so like. really fucking dark. they actually got pretty far with it (they were in the studio full time writing for at least a couple of months. dewees said they had 26 songs more or less done or at least demod, and friends of the band listened to at least four complete ones), but their progress just kind of...stalled. they invited dewees to be an official member of the band and he signed a contract after seven years of touring with them, and he and frank stayed together in a kind of seedy hotel and ended up writing a lot of death spells there while the mcr sessions weren't going great. according to dewees gerard in particular just didn't have his heart in it and was really struggling for inspiration and drive. i think gerard mentioned in the kevin smith podcast that he was more invested in the visual aesthetics and set designs for the hypothetical tour than he was the music at that point. apparently frank and ray also started to argue some about the music for the first time in the band's history, and with two of the band members having young kids and ray's first baby on the way the album's depressing concept was uh not helping their mental states to say the least. the writing stalled and frank went back home to nj and everyone in the band was having a bad time and knew the breakup was coming (including frank, which he's said multiple times - the "frank heard at the same time as us" rumour was just about the timing and content of the breakup post itself). personally i think it was a combination of all those things and the fact that mcr activated their fifth member curse by inviting dewees to be an official member after swearing for years that it could only be the four special boys lolll ✌️

anyway. if those recordings are real (which i'm inclined to believe they are, since there are definitely recordings somewhere out there) they're definitely not representative of the better, happier mcr of today who are active for the right reasons and not just because they feel they need to be. they were never meant to be heard by us. like not to validate a shitty leaker but i'll probably listen if i get the chance because i'm desperately curious but if you do please keep that context in mind - the album was scrapped for a reason!

#if you want sources for some of that info they're linked in my previous answer about dewees #the rest is just a conglomeration of stuff mainly frank and gerard have said since #answered #mcr history #the paper kingdom

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tryingtodotheright-thing · 3 months

Text

Hello Sunset - 2

AN: None of this is proof read so please excuse any errors and do point them out to me. Also, if there's ever any warnings you think I should be adding, please send me an ask. I would love yo hear everyone's thoughts :)

PAIRING: Seungcheol x fem!reader

GENRE: exes to lovers, idol verse, angst

WORD COUNT: 2,574

WARNINGS: reader has anxiety and depression, swearing

PREVIOUS / NEXT

Y/N couldn’t remember the car journey but she was now sitting on Sian’s expensive sofa. Rachel had left after making sure Y/N made it to the office safely, promising to meet her at Y/N’s flat in the evening after finishing some errands.

Y/N clutched the cup of tea that was piping hot and kept her focus on the heat seeping through to her fingertips. In true British style, Sian had made her a cuppa as soon as she’d walked through, reassuring her that tea would make her feel better. The steam continued to rise up and fogged up the sunglasses she still had on. Pushing the Ray Bans off her face, she slid them up to rest on top of her head. The movement seemed to startle Sian into action as she’d been hovering behind Y/N till then, which was so unlike her and spoke volumes of how worried she was about the situation. Sian moved to sit beside her on the forest green velvet sofa, turning her body so she sat facing Y/N. She took a second to observe Y/N as she continued to stare into her cup of tea as if it held all the answers to her problems. Sighing, Sian took the mug from Y/N’s hand and placed it on the coster sat on top of the nearby coffee stool.

“Y/N, honey, I need you to be strong for me. I need you to fight this time, okay?”

Sian knew to wait for a response and without it, her artist would weasel her way out of the limelight and hide in some semblance of her previous life, as she had been doing for the past five months. Y/N was too fragile last time and Sian had let her wallow long enough. It was time for her to gear up. Sian hadn’t been doing her job as a manager in the entertainment world for the past 15 years and doing it well, only to let her artist be affected by the backlash from angry, disappointed fangirls of a cowardly man.

If it wasn’t for the broken woman Sian had to prioritise and piece together back in March 2025, Sian would have done something sooner. In fact, a word to Sian’s contacts, most of whom were family members in key places, would have put a stopper to the ridiculous attacks. No KPOP artist, even if they were part of a global and growing company, could enter the Western market without the backing of one of the many subsidiaries Sian’s family owned in the music industry. They dominated the music industry in the background and whilst Sian made sure to not abuse this power for her own benefit, she couldn’t sit back and watch as the woman she’d grown to adore as a younger sister continued to suffer. Y/N was ill equipped to deal with it all since she was still new to the celebrity world.

8 September 2023

Y/N went viral. It was unexpected and so sudden.

She was a month into her new job as HR Business Partner at a global consulting firm, focused on serving technological and data insights to its clientele. It was a big move for Y/N and she’d just started to feel comfortable in the new environment. Her new manager had done much to welcome her and ease her in, but everything was new and things moved at such a fast pace, she gave up trying to keep up and was hoping things would start to make sense soon.

It was a Friday and the weather was still warm, the after effects of the heatwave still lingering. Y/N was ready to wrap up for the day and spend the weekend in bed. She’d finished all the calls she’d had planned for the day and in her check in with her manager, he’d given her great feedback so Y/N couldn’t be happier it was a Friday. She’d packed her laptop in her backpack and was heading out of the office located in the business park. She was still admiring the waterfalls and greenery that surrounded the buildings even though she’d been making the commute for a month now. Earbuds in and her playlist turned on, she hummed along to the music as she walked towards the Tube station and debated whether to head to the gym tonight or have a lazy evening. The vibration of her phone interrupted her pondering and saw that she was getting a phone call from Sian Doyle.

Y/N had met Sian a few months ago, when she had approached her after seeing Y/N’s old Youtube videos during her teen years. Sian sent her a message on Instagram asking if Y/N still pursued a career in music and was interested in meeting with her to discuss an opportunity. Y/N had thought it was a hoax, and had ignored the message. She hadn’t seriously thought about a career in music, knowing that her parents would have never allowed her to do that when she was growing up. Now in her mid 20s, she knew she’d missed the chance though the odd daydreams and what ifs had crossed her mind. Y/N had grown apart from music when she had started working six years ago, not having the energy nor time to dedicate to her passion. However, sitting at home and not being able to leave the house, with just herself for company during the pandemic gave her plenty of time to re-embrace it and she fell in love with music again. Although she hadn’t replied to Sian’s message after reading it, she kept going back to it all weekend before gathering her courage and agreeing to a meeting.

Three months later, Y/N was an artist signed to a label and had released a single that had charted in the top 100 of the UK music charts. It wasn’t too bad (read as great) for a brand new artist that the music world had no expectations for and who didn’t fit the look nor style of the typical musicians the industry usually produced. She was even going to be singing an OST for a Korean TV drama that will be released in December. Y/N was surprised when she heard that news. She didn’t expect her music to be popular, let alone be heard and liked by people in another part of the world. Thinking that’s what Sian was contacting her about, Y/N accepted the call and entered the working pod that was outdoors in the business park to take the call in private.

“Hey Sian, how are you doing? Did I have any plans I’ve forgotten?” Y/N was balancing her commitments in the corporate world and music world, not quite confident to give up her safety net when her success wasn’t guaranteed.

“I’m splendid, darling and do you know why? It’s because I’m the manager of the young woman who is going viral featuring on all the reels on Tik Tok right now.” Y/N could feel the excitement in Sian’s voice and was slightly envious of the person who’d made Sian this proud and animated. The woman was always composed and today, she’d not spoken in her “I'm-all-business-and-I'm-the-boss” voice.

“Oh how exciting for you! Which artist is that, I know you have a few?”

Letting out a chuckle, Sian responded, “Y/N, honey, I’m talking about you!”

Y/N’s response came out as something between a squeal and a shout in that instant, the thrill and happiness she’d felt in that moment was unforgettable.

Current

“Tell me what the plan is. I know you have one.”

Sian wanted to clap her hands in glee but held herself back. She got up from the sofa to pick up the iPad that sat on her desk and returned to the velvet sofa. Sinking down right next to Y/N this time, she handed the iPad over to the singer. With hands that were still trembling though much less than when she was holding the tea cup, Y/N took the tablet into her hands and tapped on the screen. The screen blinked at her, opening on Naver, a blurry picture of a man and woman walking in close proximity out of a restaurant. It was obvious the woman wasn’t a Korean celebrity due to the darker skin tone and the build of the woman. The zoomed in version of the same picture on the article focused on the faces of the pair. Y/N obviously recognised the people in the picture, being the woman in the picture. The zoomed version helped narrow down when the picture was taken. Both of them were wearing black masks and Y/N/s hands were tucking her hair behind her ears, there was an indent on her left ring finger and she could just make out a pink line of a cut on her palm.

The picture was taken on their last date. It was a Thursday evening and they were in Daegu because he was on leave and was allowed to leave the base so he wanted to visit his parents. They’d been bickering all night and in the end, hadn’t finished their meal and had decided to just leave. Y/N was due to fly back to London the next day and he was due to return to his base at the end of the weekend. It had been roughly two weeks after her birthday and Y/N had been looking forward to the late celebration but the entire visit was a mess. He broke up with her two days later in response to her text ‘Just landed, will call later. Love you x’. The picture was taken two months ago, just before the world as she knew it collapsed.

“Whoever sent this photo through obviously has more and it’s most likely the same person who sent Dispatch the picture at the beginning of the year. HYBE and Pledis can’t keep denying the relationship, saying you were acquaintances or just friends and they definitely can’t spin the whole narrative of you being an overzealous fan anymore. Right now, they’re looking like the biggest liars and the public opinion is on your side.”

“What’s your plan?” Y/N repeated, knowing that Sian hasn’t finished.

“We need to put out a statement to be released in Korean media. I’ve already drafted it; I just need you to read it and let me know if there’s anything you’re uncomfortable with. We’re also not going to keep quiet anymore. You need to come out of hiding and you need to take back control.”

Not pausing for acknowledgement, Sian continued, “I’ve booked you to be on Jimmy Fallon’s, taping Thursday night and airing Friday so we’ll be flying to New York tomorrow. You’ll use the opportunity to promote the upcoming tour and it matches with The Voice US guest appearance episodes releasing this week. Jimmy will bring up the news, I’ve asked him to. I want you to make a joke and brush past it as if the whole matter is insignificant and an inconvenience. Channel that anger that’s underneath that hurt and don’t forget that you’re the victim in this situation. I need you to emphasise that.”

With that said, Sian leaned over and opened the Mail app on the iPad, selecting the first email which contained the drafted statement.

‘This is W Music Group. We have confirmed with our artist regarding the recent allegations and can confirm that Y/N and S.Coups of SEVENTEEN did briefly date but have since parted ways. Our artist was keen to keep her personal life private and we ask people to avoid speculation. No statements released by HYBE or Pledis about Y/N have been made in conjunction with W Music Group or with Y/N’s consent. We are currently taking legal action against those who posted malicious posts including defamation, insults, sexual harassment, spread of false information, and malicious slander against Y/N. We are preparing to submit multiple complaints to investigative agencies by collecting evidence of acts that violate Y/N’s rights and interests such as insults and defamation through self-monitoring and reports from fans, and we plan to respond with a no-tolerance policy. We will continue to hold the suspects accountable and take strong action without any settlement or leniency. Y/N’s planning to greet the public soon with a new album to be released on 2 October 2025.’

Y/N read the statement and read it again. She knew this was the best thing to do for herself and it wasn’t fair to Sian and everyone around her, everyone who depended on and cheered for her success, if she didn’t release the statement. Despite knowing this was the best choice, Y/N still hesitated.

“Do we have to mention the statements from HYBE?”

“Yes.” Sian’s reply was immediate and clipped. “I hope you’re not still worrying about him.”

Sian’s tone grew more sharp. “You can’t be! Wake up and smell the coffee for what it is, Y/N. If he had cared even the smallest ounce for you, he wouldn’t have agreed to his company releasing a statement that you had approached him as a fan when the first picture was released in January. Do you not remember how his fans called you a stalker and sent you hate messages all over social media? Do you not remember the times they sent you broken glass and blades packaged up as gifts so you’d hurt yourself?”

Sian grew more frustrated and tossed the iPad on the space next to her on the sofa.

“I don’t know how to talk sense into you. Honestly, Y/N, I’m doing this for your benefit.”

“I know, I know that. Please don’t think that I don’t appreciate everything you do and have done for me.” Y/N’s words kept getting stuck and she was struggling to articulate herself.

“I just don’t want other people to be hurt by this. Josh and the others haven’t done anything wrong.”

After a pause, she consented, “I’ll take your guidance as final, Sian. Let’s release the statement.”

Y/N grasped Sian’s hands in hers for reassurance. “I promise I’ll do what you ask of me this time.”

Sian patted Y/N’s hands as she soothed Y/N’s nerves by saying, “It’ll all be fine, darling. Trust that I know what I’m doing. You’ll come out of this stronger. I know you will.”

With a final pat, Sian got up from the sofa and walked to the door of her office, her black heels clacking against the floor. She opened the door and spoke to her assistant, whose desk was placed opposite the doorway.

“Send it out now.”

That’s all she said before closing the door and turning back to Y/N.

“Now, about the Tonight Show ..”

Sian continued with her briefing for Y/N’s schedules. Y/N listened and did her best to pay attention and soak in the advice but the tension in her stomach distracted her, the jitters making her queasy. She moved to pick up her now lukewarm water bottle that she’d bought earlier from her handbag when she noticed that her phone was blinking. She took the phone out first, tapping on the screen to read.

Joshie 🦌

Just saw it. Are you okay?

#caratsland #seventeen #seventeen au #seventeen x reader #seventeen fic #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #svt x reader #svt imagines #svt fanfic #seungcheol x reader #seungcheol angst #scoups x reader #scoups imagines #svt #seventeen x you #my writing #hello sunset

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foressfaction · 4 months

Text

:Ticci Toby:{A Rewrite}

CHAPTER 4

WARNING:: This story contains EXTREMELY triggering topics such as Domestic/Child/Substance abuse, Death, harsh language, GORE and dissociation triggers. This story mentions mental illnesses and disorders such as Depression, PTSD, ADHD, and Tourette's Syndrome. !!TICS MAY BE TRIGGERING!!

Chapter four

Later that night, Toby sat alone in his room, surrounded by notebook pages full of small doodles. Stick men and symbols, one that stood out the most, a bunch of circles and X's. He found it fun to draw, therefore obviously showed it. There was a knock on his door, glancing up, Toby hummed out a response. "Come in."

The door opened and Lyra stood in the hallway, stepping in to catch first glance at all of the little pages who Toby started to clean up, shoving it all back into the original journal he tore them from.

"Dumb, right? These d-d-drawings, am I crazy? Lyra, am I a freak."

Lyra's eyes widened softly as she got down to sit in front of him. "no no no you're not, who told you that?"

Toby turned and pulled something from his bag, the note that was slammed onto his back when leaving school. He unwrinkled the paper and held it out of her. Lyra's shoulders dropped, it seemed she too had the same reaction to the note as he did when he first laid eyes on it. Her eyes darted back up to him with an angry expression. "You're seriously going to let these kids bully you like this?" Toby just looked down with a huff.

"I've never been put with these kinds of k-kids, i c-can't blame them if they hate me, hah..i'm not exactly that likable."

Lyra was quick to correct him, grabbing his right hand. "Don't say that, Toby, you're the strongest, most lovable person I know, you mean so much to me..i…I can't bear seeing this happen to you." tears were forming in her eyes, her hand squeezing his.

"Here…" She held his hand up and mimicked something with her other hand. "I'm going to show you how to make a fist, okay." She moved his hand into a fist shape, making sure his thumb was rested over his fingers. "Make sure your thumb is always on top, if not, you'll break it." Her words were gentle, and so were her movements. She was careful about his jerky arms, keeping them down if he was going to accidentally hit her or himself. Lyra continued on with explaining the idea of fighting. She did take 6 years of karate before the family broke apart. "Your hands are weapons, don't ever use them unless you have a good reason..if someone hits you first, go crazy, kick, hit, bite even."

Toby laughed a little, it was a weak one, but he did laugh. The idea of biting someone was somewhat funny. "No but I am serious." She admitted, earning his eyes to glance back up, locking onto her worried expression. "Promise me you will stick up for yourself..if this progresses. The last thing I want to see is you hurt."

Her hand still laid over his now fist of a hand. Toby then made a fist with his other hand, showing her. Lyra nodded. "Yep, just like that." She lowered it. "I want you to be…violent when it's the time, but i also don't want to be blamed if you accidentally knock someone unconscious." She slightly joked, but it was also serious.

Toby looked down with a small hum. "Please, Toby?"

He looked up. "Don't hurt anyone unless they hurt you." She warned.

Toby just stayed quiet, but eventually spoke. "Okay, I promise, but wh-what about dad? When he hurts mom—" He was cut off quickly by her tugging his arm. "That's a different story…We're talking kids the same age as you,"

"But when he hurts you—is that an e-e-excuse to hit him?" Lyra quickly just pulled him into a hug once more, squeezing tighter than she usually would. Was this an attempt to shut him up? "Let's not talk about that yet…If it was an excuse don't you think i would've done something about this by now?"

She shivered a little, not letting go. "School will be over in just a few months..it'll go fast, i really hope you won't need to use these." She gestured to his hands, by which she just saw a few new blemishes that covered them.

"Are you chewing on them again?" Lyra asked with a sad sigh.

"mhh yes but- not as much as last year." The last thing Toby wanted were those tight straps of gauze wrapped around his hands to the point he couldn't even use them.

"Okay, get some sleep bud..like actually, get some sleep..it's starting to look like you got into my eyeliner again." she gestured to his dark circles that were beginning to get more and more noticable.

Toby nodded and sat everything that was once strolled out to the side by his night stand. Lyra left the room and closed the door.

Toby looked down to his hands, seeing the gnawing marks and small concrete scrapes from falling so much. His knees and elbows were covered in healing and recent bruises, who knows how many little cuts and scratches he had in total. He never could remember getting most of them.

At night his room would get pretty creepy. The whole night was the definition of paranoia. Toby would make out black shadows, deep whispers and even started to feel pressure on his bed like something was crawling onto it, or sitting on the edge. Toby would make himself as small as possible when he slept, in an attempt to not be woken up by his mind playing tricks on him.

Weeks would go by painfully slowly. Toby started to feel like he lived at school and only visited home. On this day though…He wished he never did come home.

•••••

#creepypasta #slenderverse #foressfaction #ticci toby #toby rogers #ticci toby creepypasta #ticcitobyrewrite #rewrite #creepypastarewrite

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57sfinest · 1 year

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okay as a Jean Enjoyer i feel like i need to say this because there are different genres of jean enjoyment (jeanres if you will). i am of the faction where i don’t really vibe with the whole “jeangst” thing (as it exists as a fandom phenomenon) and here’s why. so much of the stuff i see labeled “jeangst” is WAY too sympathetic to and forgiving of jean for my taste. like he’s woobified or there’s a lot of uncritical ‘poor jean harry is so mean to him and now harry’s amnesia ruined his life :(’ type stuff which is such a fundamental misunderstanding of him and his role in harry’s past & present and it skews how we view his dynamic with harry too. and i don’t mean this as “oh considering jean’s pov is bad!!1!1″ no i consider his pov all the time i am indescribably mentally ill about the torment that the jeanharry relationship puts both jean and harry through. but when we consider his point of view i really think that just ascribing him the simple role of ‘poor depressed punching bag’ strips him of all the interesting parts of his character & also contributes to a less nuanced and accurate understanding of harry as well (it makes it easy to villainize him for his addiction and mental illness, which in and of themselves aren’t moral failings-- harry was a bad person for his behavior, which is not the same as his addiction or his illnesses)

like, jean put himself in this situation. over and over again. yes he was likely forced into working with harry, but whatever’s going on between them is more than a workplace conflict. you look at luiga’s twitter and he’s said so much about jean and harry’s codependency and the other mentions of a very close and very unhealthy personal relationship. you see the way jean talks about his own role vs harry’s in the ending-- jean WANTS to be the poor victim, he wants everyone to see him as the helpless punching bag who is being such a saint by Putting Up With Harry And His Bullshit, look at me, i’m so much better than this stupid mentally ill addict! he’s like harry you are so unprofessional, and there is something wrong with you, and we are all so tired of putting up with you and your shitty behavior, but here he is sitting in a hotel lobby in a wig to harass harry while harry is actually doing his job!! like jean my love here you are reaming harry out about “doing his fucking job” sir what are you doing!! you are sitting in a hotel looking angry for 14 hours just in case your special little partner who you are definitely sooo mad at condescends to speak to you for a few minutes!! and you dragged poor judit out here too!! jean. girl. babe. it’s time to admit you are a massive hypocrite with an even bigger victim complex. you, a mentally ill addict, are losing your shit at harry for being a mentally ill addict. why don’t you meaningfully address the actual behaviors instead of just reminding harry that he’s an alcoholic every 2 minutes.

like i’m not saying jean should have infinite patience for harry after multiple years of mistreatment but damn dude the double standards are insane. jean is instigating a messy public breakup and being pretty abusive the whole time and then he’s like everyone feel bad for ME and not STUPID HARRY who is an ALCOHOLIC in case anyone forgot. he goes on and on about how much his life sucks and how much harry sucks and boohoo poor him he’s so depressed and beaten down by the shitkid etc but then in ANY sub-ideal ending you get there’s still something that tells you that he’s still taking harry back or at least considering it. in the cuno ending “he can’t leave you behind. he just can’t. one final time...” even in the worst ending “if you make it-- if you’re sober for 10 months-- tell us. i’ll work with you again.” jean babe if you hate him so much then stay the fuck away from him!! damn!! your codependency is showing!! your victim complex is showing!! just go get harry’s name tattooed on you at this point like at the very least it might get you some sympathy from people at the bar when they ask about what’s very clearly an Ex’s Name Tattoo

#this got out of hand. sorry #anyway yeah i disagree with 'jeangst' on principle because it's too nice to jean basically #you can be sympathetic to his point of view without being a Jean Apologist or completely erasing his role in a mutually abusive dynamic #i love to think about how much this whole situation hurts him. and i love to think about how a lot of it is his fault #it's so much more interesting for him to be a participant in his own victimhood #he's standing there goading harry into punching him and then he gets punched and is like HOW DARE YOU PUNCH ME!!#well sir you see if you tape a sign on your forehead that says kick me then eventually you are going to be kicked.#the jeanharry relationship as a form of self harm for both parties involved etc etc #using each other to punish themselves etc etc #just enough good in it to keep them going. just enough bad to make it bitter the whole way through. the push and pull of addiction etc etc #see a return to jean/harry partnership after martinaise would be so funny #jean tries to provoke harry says some shitty stuff etc and harry just like. starts crying or having a panic attack or whatever #and jean is like hold on this makes ME look like the bad guy. come on quick hit me. come on say something mean. call me a slur. please #or maybe harry goes right back to being an asshole depending on ur guy. and nothing ever changes and they hurt each other for ever and ever #until they succumb to the inevitable murder-suicide #kiwipost #jv meta #jean vicquemare #I HATE THIS GUY *beating him with one of those carpet dust racket things*

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kazumaple · 4 months

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born to die ꨄ haikaveh

art by @/mezudy678 on twt!!

tw | suicide ideation, death, alchoholism.

word count | 1,424 words ★ genre | angst, mentally ill kaveh, mental illness, major character death, au where haitham dies and kaveh is sad basically, kaveh is delusional, like in the traditional sense, depression/depression-like symptoms, me monopolising on lana del rey's lyrical genius<33

a/n | this has been sitting in my drafts for i kid you not over 6 months i think?!?! so yeah i just thought i should post it before the new year! i ruminated over the ending for so long but yknow new year new me so i just posted it. idk why i always make kaveh suffer but here is he suffering again. enjoy!?!?

link to my masterlist/how to request!

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

“I’ll be waiting for you in heaven, my love.”

The firm grip on Kaveh’s hand loosens as he feels his lover’s strength wane, taking not just his own, but Kaveh’s life force with it too.

No, no… just a little longer, please.

“But heaven is a place on Earth with you,” the blonde sniffles, embracing Alhaitham for the last time, “Don’t leave me…I still need you.”

A chuckle erupts from the man next to him, and at that moment, Kaveh wishes he could loop that sound and listen to it forever, to keep Alhaitham in a world of his own design, where they could live together in the grandest of castles, all designed by Kaveh himself.

He would construct them the most convenient house. Two study rooms for when they want to keep their distance from each other, a private library for Alhaitham, and a garden filled with all of Lesser Lord Kusanali’s creations, the plants being residents of the home just as much as Alhaitham and Kaveh would be.

Kaveh sees Alhaitham, chuckling as he does now, smiling at Kaveh, his face aged a little with time, small folds of skin wrinkling around his eyelids as he beams, his happiness radiating, forcing Kaveh to smile along with him. If only time would permit it. Alhaitham is smiling at Kaveh, and he thinks he’s never seen anything more beautiful in his life. He wants to sketch this moment to make it permanent. To cherish the final moments he has with his lover.

“You’ll be fine, Kaveh,” Alhaitham puts a hand under Kaveh’s chin, forcing the older man to meet his deep green eyes, “I love you.”

By this point, Kaveh’s vision is white, and he barely notices Alhaitham pull him for one last kiss until their lips touch. The kiss is gentle and delicate, too delicate for Kaveh’s liking. The lack of strength only serves as a reminder of his lover’s fading energy. Kaveh pulls away for breath, his golden locks now in disarray across his face, the crimson hairclips that once kept his elegant plait together now in mayhem.

“I love you too.”

Those are the last words Alhaitham hears before his vision fades, the silhouette of the man he loves the most looming over him, a teardrop the last thing he feels before he slips into the calming embrace of death.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Thoughts race across Kaveh's mind like a marathon, as if each thought had something of utmost importance to attend to, leaving the blonde highly disoriented. Even more disoriented than he would usually be at times like this, because at the moment, Kaveh has downed enough litres of alcohol to provide the weekly water intake of a family of 6.

It’s at times like this when he can’t keep his thoughts at bay. Kaveh tries his best. He really does. He tries his best to seem okay. To maintain the façade of normalcy ever since that fateful night. He goes to work, completes his commissions on time, eats all of his meals, and speaks to all of his friends. He meets Cyno and Tighnari every Saturday at Lambad’s tavern for a round of Genius Invokation TCG, his thoughts steering clear of the empty seat to his left. The seat which nobody would dare take after the loss of its original occupant.

Kaveh really does try.

But on nights like this, he can’t help but crack. When he comes home to nobody, no annoying, shrill voice to welcome him, nobody to nag him about his health or his rent. These are the moments when he feels truly lonely, the only reliable friend he can turn to being a tall glass of wine.

He sits alone in their usual spot. Top floor, at the back, so that people are less likely to find them. He knows Alhaitham can’t take people coming up to him after his work hours. Kaveh doesn’t mind. But this is just one out of the long list of habits Kaveh has kept after Alhaitham’s passing. No matter where he may be, heaven or hell, Celestia or Khaenri’ah’s ruins, a part of him will always live on through Kaveh. Always.

At some point, though, Kaveh stopped being alone. He started hearing him again. The gentle words of his lover wafting through his eardrums. At first, it was subtle. A few comments here and there.

“That client is a jackass.”

“Go to sleep, Kaveh.”

“Come on, love, you’ve got a meeting soon.”

But then it became ubiquitous. The sweet, honey-like voice of his deceased lover followed Kaveh around wherever he went. At first, Kaveh thought he was going insane. Now, he doesn’t care enough to worry.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough, love?” A gentle voice fills his eardrums in an instant, a deep chuckle resounding with it, “Though I’d love to hold you again, I’d like you to live a long, full life before then. Preferably not dying of alcohol poisoning.”

Kaveh scoffs and crosses his arms, “I don’t have to listen to you! What are you doing to do anyway?”

The blonde hears a deep sigh, “I suppose you’re right. I can’t force you to go home, but it would make me very happy if you did.”

Kaveh, in his drunken stupor, actually considers this. With a clear head, Kaveh never would have considered this a valid argument. Kaveh will do what he wants. But alas, the hurricane engulfing his mind causes a lapse in judgment.

“Fine,” he says, begrudgingly, “Only if you cuddle with me when we get home.”

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

Kaveh then gets up and stumbles out of the tavern, paying the bill off his own tab this time. He supposes a benefit of Alhaitham’s passing was that his wealth and estate were passed on to Kaveh. Though this by no means makes up for the gaping hole in Kaveh’s heart, he is happy with the convenience his newfound wealth has brought him.

The walk home passes in a daze, Kaveh blames this for his lack of comprehension, as by the time he's come to his senses, he’s tucked into bed, wrapped in the arms of Alhaitham once more.

He looks into his lover’s eyes. The orange islands in the sea of green standing out more than ever before. Alhaitham’s arms wrap around him protectively, and he feels the safest he has in months.

“Haitham,” Kaveh sniffles, “It’s been so hard without you here to guide me… I miss you… so much. Every time I think about you it feels as though somebody is ripping my heart out of my chest and stabbing it repeatedly with a knife.”

“C-Cant you come back to me?”

The soft sound of Alhaitham’s honey-sweet voice drips through Kaveh’s ears, “I’m here now, love. I’m here with you now, aren’t I?”

Kaveh groans, “I suppose so.”

“Let’s go to bed now,” Alhaitham whispers soothingly in Kaveh’s ear, “You have a big day ahead of yourself tomorrow.”

Kaveh lets the diluted voice of his lover lull him to sleep, his eyes getting heavier until they slide shut, and Kaveh surrenders to the deliria of dreaming for the night.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── ·

The sun streaks through the gap in the curtains, its rays hitting Kaveh’s face, illuminating his vermillion eyes as they blink open, the fatigue of sleep dissipating. The first thing he feels when he comes to his senses is the utter lack of warmth in his bed. The very bed itself becomes a black hole, Kaveh stumbling over himself to get as far away from it as possible. The very bed that was once the safe haven of him and his lover, turns into the very thing that seems to trap him.

H-He was just here.

The soft embrace of death feels more tempting than ever now. It would be easy for Kaveh to sink into it; his thoughts being engulfed by a soft lulling whisper, convincing him to let go of this world and all the pain it has caused. Nonetheless, he gets up. Brings himself to his feet. Walking towards the bathroom, he surveys the empty walls of his once lively house, accepting the soft, lonely numbness that has become a hallmark of his existence.

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missmyloko · 4 months

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Getting To Know Me - Part 7

On The Second Day of Fun I present... more about me! This one's pretty personal and something that I've wanted to write about for a long time as I know that this affects many of you as well. I want you all to know that you're not alone and that you can still succeed even with challenges put ahead of you. I don't exactly hide it, but I also don't go around advertising that I suffer from various mental illnesses. I think it's amazing how far we've come as a society even in the past ten years when it comes to talking about such a subject, but there's still plenty of work to do, especially around the stigma of having a mental illness in the first place. For something that will affect every adult at some point in their lives, with at least 25% of the global population suffering from chronic conditions, we need to make these "invisible" diseases visible, so I'm going to be doing my part for that today. Back in the 1990s when I was growing up there weren't really any mental health supports for children, which is a shame as I could have been diagnosed much sooner than 16. I had major depressive disorder by the time I was 12 and generalized anxiety disorder materialized not too long after that. The worst thing about being undiagnosed wasn't just that no one knew what the heck was wrong with me, but rather the panic attacks. I only learned what a panic attack was after my sister was diagnosed with them, and I had realized that's what I had been experiencing for years. I look back and wonder sometimes how I survived those days when, and I kid you not, I would have over 30 panic attacks each day. Nothing particular set them off, they just happened because my brain was just that imbalanced. So, my sister got diagnosed, I realized that's what I had, and I went to the doctor to get diagnosed too. Originally my parents were against me taking any pills because they thought that I was making it all up and that the doctor had somehow been mistaken, but soon the medication managed to prove them wrong. My panic attacks stopped. My grades shot up. I started making lifelong friends. I was a changed person, and for the better. My only downside was weight gain that no one told me about being a side effect. I had gone from being a 110lb twig to a 160lb well, me, in a matter of months. When that medication stopped working I ended up losing the weight, but being overweight in your final year of high school isn't exactly a plus. Besides that, high school ended on a decent note, and when I eventually went to university everything started okay, but that was a whole new stressor, and with it came another challenge: another new diagnosis. At 20 I became formally diagnosed with OCD, and I don't mean just small ocd but BIG OCD. I don't know if it was the stress along with my medications not working to their full potential that triggered it, but it was bad. Intrusive thoughts, repetitive rituals, and counting had taken over my life. I don't really remember how quickly it came on, but I do remember how much of my life it took over, how many excuses I made to try and hide it, and how thankful I was that I was able to get help relatively quickly in order to see a social worker about doing CBT and other programs for controlling OCD. To be continued in part 2.

#mental health #mental health awareness

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tmntkiseki · 3 months

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Diary of an Idiot Trying to Learn to Draw Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Part 1: Escaping the Comfort Zone)

Before we talk turtles and the early steps of my art journey with them, let's talk about me for a little bit.

Hello, most people know me by my online nickname, Star. I'm a perpetually tired gremlin in her late 20s from New England who still lives with her parents and two brothers. (I'm the middle child!) I love my two dogs to bits, I have a weird fascination with shipwrecks and maritime disasters, and I am a known art enjoyer to point of attempting to draw her own pictures. Sometimes it goes well, other times... ah, we'll get to that.

When I think about my history in terms of drawing, it all starts with anime. My first exposure anime was through a fairly obscure one called Sky Girls; I encountered it through Dance Dance Revolution: Super Nova 2 on the PS2, as the opening to the original OVA was one of the songs available in the game. I ended up watching most of the television series and I was quick to discover that, hey, there's an entire genre of animated television series that originate from Japan; subsequently, I ended up watching several anime that were popular during the late 2000s with Lucky Star, Haruhi Suzumiya, Clannad, and Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni all being shows that I watched during this period. It's difficult to say what entranced me so much about the art style quirks we so heavily associate with anime, but it's definitely had the biggest influences on my art; not just anime itself, but video games with anime art styles as well. If I had to name which pieces of Japanese media have affected me most in terms of art development, it would be Odin Sphere, KyoAni's works (especially Violet Evergarden), and Hidari (the character designer for three of the Atelier games and Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia.)

"Okay, but what about when you actually began to do your own art?" WELL, I can definitely say throughout elementary school I absolutely LOVED being in art class, but I didn't start seriously practicing until I was around 13; this was when my depression first reared its ugly head, but it was also about when I first got into fandom online. Now, the first fandom I actually made "content" for was Pokemon, but that wasn't drawing; that was fanfiction. The first fandom I actually drew for?

Call of Duty: Zombies. Yeah, I think we all have that one fandom we're embarrassed to mention that we were ever involved in. Regardless of the cringe factor, it was still important for me because that was when I first started interacting with other fanartists online and if I hadn't spent so much time drawing fanart of a bunch of WWII stereotypes while I was in high school, I wouldn't have laid the groundwork for what came afterwards.

In terms of overall skill, I'm definitely way better than I was back when I first started out, but there is still so much I have to learn; I do often look at other artists who are around my age or, hell, are even YOUNGER than me and think to myself "Why am I not that good?" and, ya know, art is an acquired skill that requires a lot of practice and due to my mental illness and lack of confidence/self-worth, there were periods where I would go for MONTHS without drawing anything, so the fact I'm not where I feel like I should be skill-wise is ultimately circumstantial (there are other personal shortcomings that have also been holding me back, but we'll get to those later). I have managed to learn to stop being so hard on myself and not be as perfectionistic, and I find myself drawing more and more for the fun of it and learning new techniques that'll result in better pieces rather than anything else. These are some of the Rune Factory 4 pieces I drew last year (all Arthur/Frey ship art, oops) and at this point I can look at them and think "Yeah, they're not perfect, but I also did a pretty good job."

All right, this is the part of the post where we finally get to talking about my experiences learning how to draw the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles--specifically, the 2003 versions. It's been about a month since I started studying the show's art and even if I'm not the best artist on the block, I still have a decent amount of experience under my belt that learning how to draw them shouldn't be too hard, right? Right? I mean how hard can it be to draw four humanoid turtles?

Oh boy, of all the fandoms I've drawn fanart for, TMNT 2003 probably has one of the steepest learning curves that I have EVER experienced.

All right, what are some of the advantages do I have going in? There is my existing experience drawing, but I'd argue the fact that my brain is so hardwired to draw anime is an advantage in some ways. When I first looked at the show's art style (more specifically that of seasons 1 - 5), I was thinking to myself "How the everliving FUCK am I supposed to draw this?!" However, when I actually sat down and studied the model sheets, I was delighted to discover that a lot of the basic fundamentals that I already learned drawing anime bodies can be applied to the turtles; one of the only major adjustments I had to make was exaggerating the muscles of the arms and legs. Not only that, but one of the less human aspects of the turtles IE the plastron is actually incredibly useful as a makeshift guideline for the torsos; it quite literally divides them into chest, abdomen, and pelvis areas and I absolutely love it!

Unfortunately, that's about where my happiness with drawing the turtles ends and where my actual struggles start.

("Nekomata Mikey" from January 7th, which is probably my best and favorite turtle attempt thus far)

So, I suffer from a little something called "not liking to leave my comfort zone." It's not something that I'm incapable of doing, but getting me to break out of a repetitive routine and try something new or challenging is insanely difficult--no idea if it's a result of my autism spectrum disorder or not, but it definitely explains why I've hesitated to experiment more with my art and try new things... which is important if you want to further develop your style and improve. Oooooooh boy.

Now, I'm not necessarily looking to accurately replicate TMNT 2003's style, but I am hoping to maintain certain aspects when I draw the turtles. Stuff that is definitely contradicting what I'm comfortable with when it comes to drawing; the thick lines you see in a lot of the official art, the fact this show really likes using sharp angles to define physical features, the dark color palette of the first five seasons, the fact those seasons break the rule of "don't shade with black" that I've been taught from the beginning--a lot of stuff that I'm just not used to. It's hard not to become frustrated because half the time you have no idea what you're doing and have no idea whether it's going to look good or not.

Beyond that, there is the matter of the less human aspects of the turtles that are giving me a run for my money. I can somewhat handle the chunky three fingered hands and large two toed feet, but when I get to the heads and shells, that's where I start tearing my hair out. Even with multiple reference screenshots from the show and sassatello's tutorial on the head structure handy, I still find myself fumbling and making heads that are too angular and chunky (especially in the cheek area) or heads that are too round to the point of almost looking babyish. The shells are another matter entirely; it's weird because they are basically a dome-shaped backpack, but something about those things keeps throwing me for the loop no matter what angle or pose I'm drawing a turtle from.

*LOUD SIGH*

For all the struggles and frustrations I have, I'm still very happy to be studying and practicing how to draw the turtles. It's been about a month since I started pouring over the model sheets, taking screencaps from individual episodes to examine and annotate, and just drawing, and I've already learned so much. Not only that, but this whole experience of trying to figure out how to draw the main characters from an (almost) 21 year old cartoon has pushed me to look up... A LOT of tutorials for art skills I've admittedly been neglecting. Basic shapes used in the structure of the body, color theory and shading, all that good stuff. It is also a fact that studying the art of TMNT 2003 is exactly what inspired me to start posting all the model sheets and concept arts I have saved on my laptop. When you have a ton of art resources at your disposal, why not share them? Someone else might need them as much as you do.

I'm hoping to make another post like this in a couple months or so just to see how much I've improved, where I'm still kicking and screaming, and what areas I ought to focus on. Until then, take care and have a good day!

#teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt #tmnt 2003 #tmnt 2k3 #tmnt art diary

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caffeinatedopossum · 18 days

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Very long post/ positive life update (tw mentions of suicide/self harm)

I can't believe I'm doing so well on these new meds. It's genuinely unreal.

Just a couple months ago, I was severely suicidal every day. I was hurting myself nearly every day, crying nearly every day. I would cry until my eyes hurt, until my head hurt, even until I passed out from dehydration a few times. I wasn't talking to my friends. I was barely talking to anyone. I would stay in my room alone so long that *my roommates* would remark in surprise when they saw me out, saying they hadn't seen me in a while and asking how I was.

I was too depressed to even play video games. I couldn't focus on anything. I would sometimes just sit and stare at walls blankly because I genuinely could not *do* anything. I was having severe panic attacks at least once a day, every night, where I was literally convinced I was dying and that if I let myself fall asleep, I would die. I would keep myself up for hours, just laying there in terror.

This depression has been with me since I was only 13 years old. I tried to kill myself 3 different times, and for the first time in nearly 9 years, I'm glad I wasn't successful. When I was 13, I also developed anorexia. By now, I've been in recovery for just over 2 years. I thought that illness would kill me, I couldn't imagine living without it. I didn't *want* to live without it. I thought full recovery would always be impossible, even until recently, because the desire to relapse had been so strong. But... here I am. It's crazy.

Today, I went with my roommates (who are like family to me) to see the solar eclipse. I laid in the sun for hours - comfortable, happy. I can't recall ever feeling okay like this before. I complimented a stranger like it was easy. I talk to my friends every day now - we play video games and watch tv together or just talk. And I've made new friends. I haven't cried in over a month. I have a new dog- a little basset hound puppy- and I love him with my whole heart. I'm actually able to help my gf care for him too. I joined an asexual community discord server and have been participating in events like movie nights and writing club. I've even made some friends from the server.

My roommate bought me something I liked at the eclipse event- it was really expensive. And as I was thinking guiltily "I don't deserve this", I realized that feeling used to be a lot stronger. It used to be more frequent. I ate a cream puff today. I wasn't thinking about the calories in it. It was really good, it was nonchalant. It was normal. This gets to be normal for me now...? It's too good to be true. If I were a happy crier, I'd have broken my month long tear-free streak for sure

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