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#i'm not really holding myself to doing anything bc i don't see that turning out well. i am applying myself to more fan projects at the leas

leviscolwill · 7 months

Text

adore

pairing: bsf!jude x fem!reader

summary: you adored your friendship with jude, but sometimes you wished things weren't so complicated between the two of you. [wc: 3,2k]

contents: mostly angst ??? a few cute moments here and there bc i'm fluff girly thru and thru 🤞, they can't communicate to save their life, drunk jude, a random man being annoying, jude being a dumb fuck, language, did i miss anything ?

note: this wip has been rotting in my drafts for a couple of months, i hope you enjoy it because i really enjoyed writing it 🫶

now playing adore by cashmere cat & ariana grande...

"please don't leave me y/n... you don't understand, i need you here."

"jude, i'm literally going to the toilet. i'll be back in 5 minutes, now let me go."

your best friend had always been the clingy type whenever he'd reach his alcohol limit (which was usually only after a couple of drinks). but tonight he was practically glued to your side, not that you minded, you basically spent your whole life attached by the hip. but you had to admit, it hurt a bit to see the person you couldn't have, not in the way you wanted to have him, at least, act all lovey-dovey with you.

the nature of your relationship with jude was complex, to say the least. he was your best friend since you were kids and you wouldn't change that for the world. but the way he looked at you sometimes made you yearn for something more, or whenever his touches on your shoulder or your waist would linger a bit too long to be friendly. maybe it was your mind playing tricks on you, after all, the chances of jude wanting you the way you wanted him were very low, not to mention the fact you led two different lives. but it didn't matter, you could manage to live and long for him with the hope that one day you could be more than a best friend to him. and this thought was all you needed to face him and his sparkly eyes for the rest of the night.

when you got out of the bathroom, your mind was still full of thoughts of your relationship with jude running in your mind. you were so engrossed in your thoughts that you bumped into a man's chest, not really being careful about your surroundings.

"i'm sorry, i wasn't looking." you quickly apologise to him, you were already on your way to your friends before the man grabbed your wrist, quickly letting it go.

"it's okay sweetheart, can i get your name as an apology ?" you cringed at his poor attempt at flirting with you, but you weren't feeling confrontational tonight.

"i'm-"

"y/n !" jude's voice made your head turn in surprise.

"you were gone for so long i almost forgot what your beautiful face looked like." he said smashing his face on your shoulder.

"is that your boyfriend?"

"ummm, no he's my-"

"depends who's asking." jude interrupted you, side-eyeing the nameless man.

"jude. i can speak for myself." the look he gave you broke your heart a bit, his lips pouting in sadness.

"if he is not your boyfriend, i'd gladly take your number, might even take you back to my hotel room..." it was obvious to everyone around that the situation was uncomfortable for you, that familiar feeling of disgust you always got when a man was being too friendly creeping on you.

"who do you think you are?" your best friend stared at the man with a frown on his face.

"jude, let's not..." the tension between the two men was evident as people stopped to stare at whatever was happening.

"relax mate, i just wanna talk to your friend nothing more." the stranger grabbed your wrist, still looking at jude, testing him, testing how far he would go to stop this.

"let me go." you didn't have to try getting away from him because jude did it for you.

the nameless guy suddenly let you go, and seeing him hold his jaw while screaming profanities at your best friend was all you needed to understand what just happened. jude punched him, but the alcohol in his veins prevented him from dodging the punch that came straight for his eyebrow.

immediately you took jude's arm before he found another idea to mess up your night some more, and walked out of the packed club for some air. you ordered a uber for the two of you and texted your friends that you were getting home early.

even fresh air couldn't rid you of the anger that coursed through your body. of course, you were mad at the man who couldn't keep his hands to himself. but another part of you couldn't help but be pissed at jude and his impulsive behaviour. but when you looked at him and saw blood trickle down from his eyebrow, everything was suddenly forgotten and you could only worry.

"fuck you're bleeding, why didn't you tell me? fuck, fuck, fuck." you searched through your bag for a tissue, mentally cursing yourself for how messy it was, and handed one to jude.

"just didn't wanna bother you..." he mumbled, holding it to his wound.

you both waited for the uber in complete silence, you knew you needed to have a conversation with jude about what just happened but you'd do it tomorrow, when he was sober and when your judgement wouldn't be clouded by anger.

thankfully, your uber didn't take too long to arrive, you helped jude put his seatbelt on after watching him struggle with it for a good minute. the atmosphere was tense and it seemed the driver felt it so he didn't try to make conversation with any of you.

you were halfway to your destination when you felt jude's fingers brush against yours lightly. you took a glance at where your hand lay, on the middle seat, jude's hand was right next to yours and when you looked at him he was suddenly entranced by his shoes, busy pretending it never happened.

you were sick of him acting like a child, so you held his hand, since he obviously wouldn't do it himself. the rest of the drive was silent but the atmosphere was peaceful, a nice change from the club.

you let go of jude's hand once you arrived at the villa you rented with your group of friends. you immediately took jude to the bathroom to clean his cut, he looked like a child while you were gathering the material you needed, mumbling words to himself with a frown on his face.

"is it gonna hurt?"

"probably not." these were the first words you exchanged since the club, the uneasy atmosphere of the room wasn't one you were used to whenever you were with jude. he was the one person who could understand you the best in the world, but it just wasn't the case tonight.

"can you hold my hand?" it was like he turned four again. but you couldn't deny anything from him, especially not when his eyes were glassy from all the drinks he had, so you took jude's hand in yours.

you started cleaning the cut, fully focused on your task, trying your best not to be distracted by the way your faces were inches from each other's.

"you're so pretty..."

if there was one thing you knew about drunk jude, it was that had loose lips. he couldn't keep any secret from you whenever he had the right amount of alcohol in his veins, and that often worked in your favour, but right now his words were only distracting you from your job.

"don't say that..." your heart was racing both at his words and at the proximity you two shared.

"i mean it." he was tracing your jaw with his fingers. you felt your hand quiver at the unexpected contact, and afraid you might mess something up because of jude, you quickly put a bandage on top of his, now clean, cut.

you started tidying up everything you used and expected jude to go to his room but he didn't budge.

"what's wrong?" you were a bit worried his injury was more serious than you thought and his brain was just working a bit slower than usual.

"kiss it better... please?" he said pointing at his bandage with a kissy face.

you were torn between kissing or slapping some sense into the boy standing in front of you. jude bent down so your face was in front of his, you obliged because you knew hammered jude would not have let you go to bed before you kissed him better. not because you wanted to, of course.

he was still unmoved, looking deep into your eyes so you took his hand in yours and led him to his bedroom for him to get a good night of sleep.

once you got jude to his bedroom safely, which wasn't an easy task given how starstruck he was at every little everyday thing in the house, he threw himself on his bed and grumbled something about clothes, before taking off his shirt with no prior notice. you immediately looked at your feet to give him some privacy while he changed clothes. he only giggled at your action saying he knows how much you would like to watch undress. which wasn't true, of course.

you took a quick peek, to make sure he was under his sheets. handing him a glass of water once he had his sheets pulled up to his chin and a content look on his face.

"no thanks, i'm not hungry."

"this is a glass of water?" you were perplexed at jude's words. the fatigue of your body preventing you from trying to understand his nonsense.

"well, i'm not hungry for water." you sighed at his childlike behaviour and considered shoving the water down his throat at some point before retracting, not really wanting to deal with the homicide of one the most in-demand football players of the moment.

you placed the glass on his bedside table and walked towards the door, unwilling to talk to a very drunk jude when all your body asked for was a good night of sleep.

but you couldn't ignore jude calling your name in a tired voice. you turned around to listen to whatever he had to say to you, only for him to beckon you closer with his hand. you rolled your eyes but still obliged, sitting on the unoccupied side of his bed.

"i just wanted to know why you were mad at me tonight." you didn't want to have this conversation tonight, but it seemed jude had other plans.

"because even if your intention was right, i think we could've solved the issue with no fits of screaming and fighting. i know you meant right but you can't just act without thinking all the time." you weren't even sure jude was registering your words properly, his eyes moving up and down your face.

"but i was mad at him too, he kept talking to my girl as if i wasn't right there." although jude was hardly convincing by the way the words came out of his mouth all slurred, you had to admit him calling you his girl put a faint smile on your face.

you thought your best friend was done but he just kept right on.

"fuck, you don't even know how many times i wished i was your boyfriend to stop these men looking at you that way. i mean i wished i was your boyfriend all the time, but especially then and also when you show me whoever you're talking to, you really have a vile taste in men y'know."

you looked at jude in total shock, he wasn't aware of what he just said from the way his face had the same drunken expression as before.

"do you mean it?" maybe he was pulling a prank on you. the look on his face didn't seem too serious, but then again he was drunk, how could you know how serious he was?

he laughed, how could he laugh in what was a very serious situation from your point of view?

"of course i mean it, sometimes it even looks like you want me too, maybe i just thought wrong. just tell me you don't want me, i reckon i could live with the fact i'm your best friend a bit longer." jude's nonsense somehow got even more nonsensical. how could he be saying all this with a smile on his face? even worse, how could he possibly think you didn't want him to be your boyfriend? you didn't even know what to say to him. hell, was there even a right thing to say in this exact situation?

"you can't do this to me jude... you can't just say this shit to me when you're drunk out of your mind. what do you expect me to say? i don't even know if you're aware of what you're telling me right now." words finally found their way out, your voice was much less cheery and much angrier than his as you felt a sense of injustice seeping through your veins. how could he say this to you like it was the simplest thing in the world? did he only love you when he was drunk? did he actually mean that, or was he over-exaggerating things under the influence?

"i love you and i loved you for a long time, please believe me, i know you're my best friend, and i don't want to ruin things between us... but i just needed to get this off my chest." jude was truly confused as to why you were so mad at him for this sudden 'confession'. of course, you didn't have to reciprocate his feelings, but he could only think about how he ruined your friendship for good from the way you responded so vehemently.

"goodnight jude." you left his room before he could add anything, and your thoughts were already running wild. you weren't sure if you should be feeling happy that he felt for you what you felt for him, or if you should be mad at jude for dropping this bomb on you so suddenly when he could clearly not think straight, making you doubt about the whole thing.

if you were overthinking before, your brain was now about to explode from everything that just happened in the span of an hour.

once you got under your sheets, no amount of sheep counting, lofi music, or breathing methods could put you to sleep. your brain was screaming at you, urging you to freak out about what just happened. every and each of your thoughts led back to jude, your own brain was torturing you, forcing you to separate truth from fiction at 3am.

you wished jude told you the truth, you wished his drunken words were his sober thoughts. but you didn't know how you were supposed to act like this never happened if this wasn't the case. how could you possibly come back to your little role, so well perfected over the years, of jude's best friend after he gave you the smallest glimpse of hope? your friendship with jude was the most important thing for you, but you wondered if you'd be able to pretend for the rest of your life or if you would go insane before that.

when sleep finally started taking over your endless train of thought, you came to the conclusion that if he meant what he said earlier, he'd have no issues telling you once he sobered up. you comforted yourself with this idea while your eyes closed by themselves, no more energy left in them to fight for the sake of overthinking.

jude had been avoiding you all day. the only time you exchanged an eye contact was during breakfast and even then he quickly went back to his room, not speaking a word to you. you could tell he was avoiding you like the plague, if he happened to be where you were he'd immediately flee the room, suddenly mesmerized by his phone.

you wished you were mad at him for how he was treating you and how he was making you feel, but the truth is, you could only focus on your heart breaking a little more each time he'd walk past you like you were two strangers.

after dining with the rest of your friends, you decided you were sick of jude's little games. if he didn't want to talk to you, then you would confront him whether he liked it or not.

it took you all the strength of the world to knock on his door after taking a deep breath.

no answer.

there was no way he knew it was you, you were sure of it. maybe he was just avoiding everyone tonight? you quickly refuted this idea, you saw him laugh with a couple of your friends half an hour ago.

you knocked again, a bit harsher this time to make sure he'd hear it. still nothing. you were preparing yourself to knock one more time, with much less hope than the first time.

"y/n, what are you doing?" yasmeen's voice startled you, it almost felt like getting caught doing something you shouldn't be doing.

"um... just needed to talk to jude, do you know where he is?" you couldn't help but feel embarrassed at the question. you were his best friend, if anyone should know where he was, that would be you. and your friend's dumbfounded look wasn't helping the heat creeping on your face right now.

"what do you mean? he left like an hour ago, had an unexpected meeting in london or something like that... he didn't tell you?"

it had been a very long time since you felt this way, maybe since middle school when your math teacher made fun of you in front of the whole class. your mouth suddenly drying, the sensation of your heart constricting, and your eyes stinging, trying their best not to let the sadness spill. it all felt like one big joke, you hoped jude would open the door, he'd tell you he was messing with you, he'd tell you everything he said last night again.

but that moment did not come. you couldn't answer yasmeen, afraid that the truth might spill along with your tears if you uttered a word. you simply shook your head, and went to your room, trying your best not to meet her eyes. your friends weren't blind, they could tell something was wrong between jude and you today, although none of them asked you what happened, they just kept a watchful eye on you and the way you looked at jude, in hopes he'd look back.

it felt good to cry in the privacy of your own room, far from the speculative conversation others were most likely having about the whole situation.

once your eyes were short of tears, you somehow found the strength to take your phone and click on your messages with jude to type a new one.

let's just keep doing what you did all day

i'll pretend you don't exist and last night never happened

probably best for us :)

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lizzieislife94x · 5 months

Text

Mile High Club (w.m)

WandaG!PxFem Reader

Just a little update to keep the stories up to date I only started writing like 5 days ago but for some reason I enjoy writing g!p don't know why but I hope you enjoy if you don't only way to fix it is by messaging me YOUR requests what you would like to read but until then y'all have to deal with what my imagination creates lmaooo. Anyway enjoy 😉 (sorry just keeping what was already wrote bc im copy and pasting)

Y/ns POV:

"Uggggh how long is left until we arrive wanda I feel like we've been up here for 8 hours" I groan at the annoyed looking witch across from me, she just gives me a death stare "y/n shut up I don't want to be here anymore than you do I'd rather be doing literally anything else than this we've only been in the air 40 minutes and I swear if you don't shut up I will throw you out this jet I'm not dealing with your whining for the next 7 hours, go entertain yourself or sleep I don't really care just do it away from me" she spits out and I feel a mixture of emotions the strangest is turned on when she yells at me or gives me a death stare it makes me feel some kinda way I'm not gonna lie I purposely annoy her at times to get a reaction because its such a turn on, we've both been on the avengers for like 3 years now and we never really liked each other I don't dislike her but we never really got to know each other to like each other so it kind of went from there I think that's why the team sent just me and her because they can't bare to be in the same room as us when we bicker never mind trapped in metal bird for 7 hours, I shake my head getting out of my thoughts and let out a frustrated sigh "fine you stay up here I'm going to go lay down I don't wanna be here either I'd rather be at a bar having fun drinking and potentially hooking up with someone than behere I don't know why fury put us on this stupid mission" I say with attitude as I storm away not giving her time to reply.

3 hours later

I continued to toss and turn like I have been the last few hours I can't seem to fall asleep then an idea pops into my head I bite my lip and slide my hand down my sweat pants and panties letting out a low moan at the contact I slowly start to rub circles on my clit teasing myself as the thought of Wanda pops into my head I can't lie but every time I need to get off I can't help but think of her nothing else seems to work I continue to tease my clit before sliding my hand out and taking off my sweats and panties mhh much better I slide my hand back down to my pussy and close my eyes continuing the teasing of my clit fuck this feels good, I slide my 2 fingers into my already dripping cunt and begin to thrust slowly letting out moans getting lost in the pleasure "oh fuck Wanda yessss right there don't stop" I moan completely forgetting where I am I don't notice due to the amazing feeling I'm bring myself "fuck fuck I'm so bad I need you to put me in my place daddy"

I instantly freeze when I hear a snicker I know to well and I don't dare open my eyes fuck fuck fuck "eyes on me y/n" she states as her accent creeps through this isn't happening I open my eyes and look up at a smug Wanda and my eyes instantly catch her huge bulge in her sweats holy fuck, I pull my fingers out and close my legs and mumble breathless "what are you doing here a little privacy please" she smirks and bites her lip "I wouldn't have bothered until I heard you moan my name that caught my interest so I came over and heard you moaning about how much of a bad girl you where and you wanted me to put you in place so here I am princess spread those legs for daddy let me see that pretty pussy" I instantly open my legs for her fuck why do I feel the need to do as she says, she walks over to the bed biting her lip as she removes her clothes and the minute she removes her boxers my mouth falls open she's huge Holy shit "suck" she commands and I comply crawling over to her and biting lip, I take hold of her hard member and she let's out a moan, fuck that was hot I lower my head and tease her tip with my tounge wanting more of those sweet sweet moans and it works I slide more of her into my mouth trying to get all of her in, I start gagging and feel tears run down my cheek as she pulls out of me

"oh y/n well work on that don't worry princess the key is to breath through your nose but we'll get there" I blush as she pushes me back to lay down and climbs between my legs she wastes no time in attacking my clit and the sounds that leave my mouth I don't recognise no girl has made me feel like this let alone in the space of 30 seconds I continue to moan getting louder as she slides 3 fingers into my waiting cunt fuckkkkk "shit daddy don't stop I'm so fucking close" I beg and feel her smirk into my cunt after a few more thrusts of her magical fingers I cum with a scream of her name "fuck y/n that was so fucking sexy, I can't wait to fuck that attitude out of you do you have any condoms" she breaths out clearly turned on "fuck I don't but I could always take plan B tomorrow or you could pull o.." I'm interrupted by Wanda shh'ing me while teasing my entrance with her soild member "oh no babygirl I won't be pulling out I want to fill your needy little cunt, we can get plan B" I moan and nod fuck that was sexy my thoughts are wiped when she bottoms out inside my tight cunt as a silent scream falls from my mouth hers to by the looks of it she stays still for a second looking into my eyes and I nod letting her know its ok to move, I instinctively wrap my legs around her pulling her closer and crash my lips against hers in a bruising kiss I don't fight her I let her invade my mouth with her tounge both of us moaning into each others mouths as her thrusts get faster and harder hitting my gspot over and over I break away from the kiss and moan "I'm.. fuck I'm gonna cum" she smirks and switches positions putting my legs over her shoulders so she can get deeper and holy shit I've never felt anything like this "don't stop daddy" I moan into her ear as she pounds my needy pussy till I cum all over her cock as my eyes roll and a string of words leave my mouth she slows her thrusts to help me through my orgasm "such a good girl you done so well for me baby, but we're not done" she smirks biting her lip pulling out of me and I whimper feeling so empty without her inside me, she gets up and helps me up walking into the main sitting area and pushes me against the wall spreading my legs "fuck Wanda I need you" and before I know it she's deep inside my tight cunt again groaning into my ear "fuck princess just like that you take my cock so well" I close my eyes moaning at the immense pleasure building up "fuck daddy I want you to fill me please" she starts pounding into me tightening her grip on my waist I know she's close I feel her twitching inside me so I start meeting her thrusts both of us chasing our highs "I'm gonna cum y/n" I moan feeling her thrusting harder and faster than before "me too daddy cum inside me "I moan out loud and I think that sent her over the edge because I feel her shooting her load deep inside me which sends me over the edge.

Fuck that was amazing after we both get ready I look over at her and smirk "I've wanted to do that for so long" she glares at me "I'm not even sorry why do you think I push your buttons so much because your so fucking sexy when you look at me like you're going to kill me" she just giggles and gives me a genuine smile I've never seen. I smirk and bite my lip "guess I can say I'm part of the milehigh club" she laughs and nods in agreement fuck her laugh is actually beautiful

AN: just to keep the book up to date if you want anything specific let me know lovely people, all feedback welcome if you enjoy It if you don't I don't mind haha word count for this chapter is close to 1.6k

#elizabeth olsen #lizzie olsen #fanfic #marvel mcu #oneshot #smut #mcu fanfiction #wattpad #lizzieislife94x #wanda maximoff #wanda x you #wanda x reader #mommy wanda #wanda smut #wandavision #wanda mcu #wanda marvel #wanda maximommy #wanda maxmoff x y/n

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cinnamonest · 1 year

Text

Yandere twst - Jamil

Taking this as an opportunity to make a post for my boy!!! Similar to the last one I'm going with a "consensual relationship that quickly takes a turn for the worse," I am liking the dynamic >:3 Important note that you should probably read the last one for Kalim prior to this one (I originally intended to release it as one post but ended up dividing it bc both were like 12k+ words lmao), so this one makes several references to the other one.

Previous entries for twst series:

[Kalim]

[Floyd]

//manipulative bastard behavior/moderate yandere, somewhat dark, bullying, mind control, I think there might be implications of fem reader iirc

------------

The first interaction you have with Jamil is only a few brief moments. A conversation in passing, the sort of empty casual exchange that is normally more or less forgotten by both parties before the day is even over.

He's pretty aware of his surroundings at all times, so he sort of saw you walking over out of the corner of his eye, working himself away making food and setting up arrangements and venue as per usual for some function or another that Kalim decided to hold at the last minute on the main campus grounds . Bouncing from one task to the next. But several others have passed by already without a word, so it catches him a bit by surprise when your steps come to a halt, when you speak.

You know, every time I see you, you're always working on something. Don't you ever rest?

Your tone is that sort of endearing, amused way of speaking, but still seems to express a genuine sentiment. You're not exactly spending idle time either -- you have some box or package in your hands, headed somewhere to drop something off. Who knows what compelled you to say something, on this one occasion in particular, to voice the observation you've made quite a few times now. Spontaneous, spur of the moment. A decision made with casual impulse.

His eyebrows raise, but it doesn't take him more than a moment to formulate a response. A very generic response, one that comes out mechanically, given how often people express similar thoughts to him, tell him he's working too hard, that he deserves a break and all that, things he hears pretty frequently. A randomly chosen option, the first that comes to mind, of a preset list of responses to such inquiries and comments.

A casual sigh, a shrug of the shoulders, followed with a 'well, someone has to get this done, might as well do it myself.' With a pleasant tone and a slight chuckle, of course, as socially expected, that perfect level of exasperation to where he can complain, but just not enough to make it seem like he actually feels burdened. A default exchange like so many others, that he recites his parts of without really thinking about it.

Likewise, you give what he perceives as a typical reply.

If you need any help, I can come back as soon as I get this dropped off...

He just shakes his head.

That's alright. Everything that can be done today is nearly finished anyway.

You shift the box you're carrying, jerking it up with a soft motion to re-secure it in your arms.

Well, alright, if you say so... you can let me know if you ever need any help with anything!

Of course, that in and of itself is also an empty social gesture. So often people say things of the sort -- let me know if you need anything, or I can help if you need, so on and so on, a courtesy expected by arbitrary rules of social etiquette, but not anticipated to be very likely to be actually taken up on the offer. He couldn't even count how many times people have said similar things to him, it's just a matter of social propriety. The exchange melts into the vast collection of perpetual memory, as with every other uneventful moment in one's life, and he doesn't think of it again for the rest of the day.

He's a bit taken aback, then, when you show up the next day. You can see the slight bewilderment on his face when he asks if you need something. Your reply is a bit sheepish, but friendly.

Well, you said 'everything that can get done today' yesterday, so I figured you'd be busy again today too... I don't have anything better to do, and I'm trying to get to know people here, you know? You seem like you could use some help.

Ah. Well, that does make sense. In truth, he values the solitary time he gets to himself, and trying to get to know new people often leaves him rather exhausted. But still, you're a pleasant person, and he would appreciate getting this set-up work for the event tomorrow done faster. He thanks you, pauses for a moment while trying to determine a task to delegate to you. Can't give you something too difficult, seeing as you're generous enough to do this in the first place. You end up performing some menial, repetitive task, simple but necessary, while he does the heavy lifting and more difficult aspects.

It's easy to talk to you, thankfully. You mostly just ask him a bunch of questions about the school, about himself, about Kalim, about the Scarabia dorm, so on and so on. Nothing too intrusive, nothing that's difficult to answer. Truthfully, it's actually kind of nice. He's not particularly used to people expressing a great deal of interest in him, he usually sort of works in the background, quiet, unnoticed, doesn't draw attention to himself. He was a bit weary of the thought of working with someone on this, but he finds that he actually enjoyed the time, once it's over, when you bid him farewell and head back to your own dorm, promising to come by again sometime.

But again, that's a social courtesy. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. It would be rather nice, but he won't be too disappointed nor surprised if you don't; after all, you must be very busy meeting tons of people and adjusting to the situation you've found yourself in here. He's not expecting anything.

Since over a week passes, he starts to think it will be just a one-time thing, not thinking much of it. It's a rather pleasant surprise, this time around, when you do show up again. He says it's nice to see you again, even more of those necessary appropriate courtesy things he's supposed to say, although it is meant sincerely. Thanks you for coming by again.

Conversation comes a bit more easily, as you're not really strangers this time around, your exchanges lack that inherent slight awkwardness that comes with interacting with a person you've never spoken to before. This time he can make some conversation based on asking you how your week was, how you're getting adjusted, so on and so on.

You come back a third time, after that, this time only around five days later. Then a fourth time, although that time you take even longer than the time between the first and second visit. He does take notice of that, supposing it to just be a habit of being observant of details like that.

It turns into a habit. You keep coming back, trying to help out. It's an appreciated act of kindness, but... somewhat uncomfortable, too. He's used to having to do quite a lot by himself, or employing the help of random Scarabia students, but even then he's acting more as a director, telling them what to do while working on other tasks himself. He's not as much used to working directly with someone, having someone hand him things and work right alongside him.

Still, it gets the job done faster. And it's nice to have someone to talk to, makes it feel like it's going by faster too. Not to mention, your returning to help him on multiple occasions suggests you have some desire to be around him, since he's fairly certain it's not as if you find manual labor particularly enthralling or anything. That gives him a feeling that is very...

...Unpleasant.

Yes, categorically, it should be considered unpleasant. A tight constriction of the chest, jittery nerves, increased heart rate, a feeling of unease and bashfulness. None of that is particularly positive, and in fact is rather irksome.

But the feeling is somehow, nonetheless, an addictive one, a sort of natural chemical high that, despite the duality of its unpleasantness, still leaves him with that trademark "warm fuzzy feeling" for the rest of the day, well after your departure. The back-and-forth of how good and bad the feeling is, is confusing and frustrating in and of itself. Not to mention the way he gradually increasingly finds his thoughts drifting to you in some way, wondering what you're doing and where you are. The sudden rushing feeling to his chest whenever he happens to spot you. The way he starts to look forward to your coming to visit and help. The surge of excitement when you do come walking through the door, and admittedly, acute disappointment on the days you don't show up.

More importantly, the conclusions to be drawn are frustrating. He's not clueless, quite the opposite. The realization of the sentiments he has for you aren't something he goes into self-denial about, nor does he have to sort through them.

It just sort of dawns on him one day, when you show up a few minutes late to a class you both have -- he finds himself a bit worried for the few minutes of your absence, and similarly a sensation of relief when you come sheepishly slinking through the doorway, quietly trying to enter the room without being noticed or called out for tardiness. Your eyes briefly meet from across the room. You flash a quick smile in his direction before heading to the spot you normally sit in. The slight concern, the relief, the way that one quick second of eye contact and smile from you made his heartrate go up, made a warm tight feeling in his chest... it just sort of occurs to him within that moment. Yes, he's not the sort of person to be in denial or delusion and convince himself he feels any other way, and is quite good at recognizing and fully understanding his own psychology.

...

...Ugh.

Not that he doesn't appreciate you or anything, but at first, it's actually something he's not particularly thrilled about, quite frustrated actually.

Firstly, it's inconvenient. For someone as busy and with so many responsibilities as himself, it's not good to have distractions or liabilities. Such things can compromise one's sense of priority, and keep oneself absent-minded, neither of which he can afford.

More importantly, it's a sort of weakness that he doesn't like the thought of having. His calmness and composition throughout most matters is largely dependent on the fact that he tends to operate from a distance, executing plans by proxy or otherwise indirectly. He doesn't approach things very head-on, it's just not his way of doing things. And any matters he conducts are usually professional or academic, rarely having to involve feelings and emotions, particularly in a relational sense to other people. While he's very persuasive, well-liked, and certainly doesn't struggle to socialize or anything, he doesn't really form a lot of very close relationships.

Thus, while would never admit to it, he's sort of lost when it comes to matters of a truly romantic nature, and would be very awkward if he tried to be forward or initiate any sort of display of affection. Thankfully, he's self-aware of that, and isn't about to make a fool of himself doing something stupid and impulsive.

This leads to a sort of stagnation. Yes, he'll do everything in his power to set up the correct circumstances in which he can be around you, will manipulate all sorts of surrounding factors and nearly everyone in your social network, even if that involves countless hours of quietly carrying out plans... he just won't, you know, ever say it outright to you, at least not unless you do first.

After all, even in literature and media, courtship is often compared to some form of game, where the one who cares more and needs the other more is thought of as the weaker, "losing" party. There's an innate sort of vulnerability to transparency in openness to one's emotions, and he's strongly averse to that. Part of it is the innate sensitivity to rejection present in all people, but it's also a matter of control. He likes situations and people and things that give him a firm sense of control, stability, security. People who are easily manipulated, situations that he can easily direct the outcome of... and opening up such a situation would mean relinquishing control of whatever happens next, control of his own emotional state, control over the inherent power imbalance present deep within every social interaction, over to you. Can't do that.

And when that "losing" party makes their desperation and vulnerability known, it turns off the other, bores them, makes them feel the desperate one is disposable and soon treats them as such after losing interest.

Well, some people. If you ask him, the thought of that level of desperation and neediness from a partner is actually quite nice. He can't really wrap his head around why some people would find it irritating or boring when just the thought of it seems like a euphoric fantasy. Since he likes control, a lack thereof, a sense that something is slipping out of his grasp, that he can't easily dictate the actions or results of something, is something he can't stand for.

So, he can't do it. Can't expose that degree of openness, risk rejection.

But that's alright, he can't afford to have that sort of relationship with someone anyway, it would simply interfere with his responsibilities too much. So he determines, at least initially.

The solution to both of these problems, then, is to simply refrain. No interference with his responsibilities, and no need to expose any vulnerability. He's very used to restraining his emotions, refraining from acting upon impulses or desires, however harmless they may be, because responsibility must take priority. Rarely has something consumed his thoughts to such a degree, but still, he can handle it.

Thus, for a while, he might actually avoid you to some extent, thinking it will decrease the chances of attachment. Gets things done in a different location than where you usually find him, works at different times.

But then it seems so boring and empty when he's working alone, when he doesn't have your bright smile there, it feels very... depressing. Likewise, when he sees you again, coming up with some excuse as to why he was absent the day before or so (did you come looking for him and he wasn't there? Were you disappointed? The thought of that is satisfying on its own...), the discontentment goes right back to feeling everything is alright and well with the world, and it's a feeling he just can't give up.

He quickly realizes it seems pointless to continuously resist. If he can't rid himself of it, he might as well try to work with it, adapt to the best of his ability. That seems like the only logical conclusion. Keep you close, but not too close, and to avoid exposing any affections beyond very simple appreciation for your help and presence, at least until he has full security that he can afford to do otherwise.

He doesn't initiate it, but gladly welcomes it when you start to seek him out elsewhere. You learn you have the same lunch period during most of the week, and a few electives together. You don't always talk to or sit next to him, but you sort of rotate between your friends, so he gets to interact with you some of the time.

The other times, though, you opt to talk to others instead. Turns out you're getting along quite well with several people on campus since you showed up here. He just sort of waits at the beginning of the class to see whether or not you'll come to him, or if you go to someone else.

If it's the former, he's certainly happy about it, perhaps almost a bit relieved that that was your choice. You would never get the impression it was what he was hoping for, though, he ensures that. Refrains from looking up when you enter a room, stares blankly down at a paper or textbook on the desk, as if not paying attention, giving no semblance of caring either way, merely watching you from the corner of his eye, and pretending to only notice your presence the moment you sit down.

Whenever it's the latter, he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel an increasingly sharp sense of disappointment. Perhaps a bit of irritation. A strange, gnawing feeling in his stomach, a tightness to his chest. Very opposing feelings, ones that he soon realizes linger with him the entire day. If you choose to talk to him, the rest of his day feels great, and if not, he finds himself a bit disgruntled for the rest of the day. It feels embarrassing for something so simple to be affecting him to such an extent, but he can't control the emotional aspect.

That begins to create a greater concern.

A bit of worry that this initially unwelcome sentiment of affection is starting to create some other, more problematic feelings. Ones that feel harder to handle.

It's more of a subconscious worry, at first, a faint uneasiness that largely rests at the back of his mind. The full extent of the realization comes as a sudden occurrence, one day, when you don't show up at the end of the day for the first time in a while, seeing as you've started coming by to help him out on a daily basis now.

He's a bit disappointed, sure. But it's no big deal, it's not as if you ever agreed to come every day or anything, you're certainly under no obligation to do so, it's incredibly generous for you to come at all in the first place.

...You could have said something, though, you know.

It's not as if you don't see him throughout the day in passing, in class. It's completely voluntary to begin with, so of course it's not necessary for you to tell him if you're coming or not, nor does he take it as a rudeness that you didn't, it's just... you could have. It would have been appreciated. After all, now he has to wonder where you are, which leads him to contemplate the very small possibility that something might be wrong, which causes unnecessary worry that he could have been spared had you just bothered to stop him for a second, or send a message with a single sentence since you exchanged numbers a while back, neither of which would have taken very long... but that's a selfish mentality, so he tells himself. Obviously you must be spending time with other people doing other things, like anyone does, which you have every right to do.

He can't help but wonder with whom, though. A few people come to mind, he mentally goes down the list of people he sees you with most frequently and at what time of day he sees you with each one...

Which is something he only now realizes he's subconsciously been keeping track of. But that's force of habit, he has to be observant like that... okay, no, it's not, it's definitely more than that, he can't lie to himself. The force of habit does contribute, but nonetheless.

Still, if he runs down the list, given the time of day and day of the week, he can come up with one most likely possibility, and a couple lesser possibilities, as to your current location, company, and activity. The fair degree of certainty is reassuring.

But there's still a knot in his stomach the more he thinks about it. His hands keep working, but his mind is playing imagery and words in his imagination, things you might be talking about and saying and doing and what others might be saying back to you and it's a very, very, very awful feeling.

Soon enough, he's forced to snap back to awareness when he realizes the task he was working on is done while his mind was elsewhere, and nearly an hour has passed. He should probably go home and get started on food for the evening.

It's not the direction his feet take him in, though.

It can't hurt to check just for a second. Besides, it's only like a five minute detour, so he might as well. Just a brisk walk through a few halls, down a few doors, just barely peeking over a door window to ensure he remains unseen.

Sure enough, he was right. You're just sitting around and talking. He makes a quick mental note of the other individuals in the room, tries to listen in for a moment before realizing it's (unfortunately) too muffled to be clearly heard, then turns around and goes home.

And ends up sitting on the edge of the bed, elbow to each thigh and head resting on each respective hand, staring at the wall, running through the events of the past hour and a half, fully realizing the significance of how unusual and intense his behavior was. He was aware of it even in the moment, sure, but the momentary impulse overrode any sense of reason. It's a mistake he tells himself not to make again.

But he knows the feeling is increasing. The intensity is getting worse and worse with each passing day. While he's careful not to be careless about it, he finds himself making a habit of checking on you on the days you don't come around to see him. The fact that there even are such days, seeing you with other people doing something else, starts to upset him more and more, to the extent he starts thinking about it at random throughout the day. Each occurrence of such thoughts striking him with a feeling of bitterness that makes him clench his jaw, curl his hands into fists, even respond more bluntly than he normally would to other people when approached -- he even overheard, on one such occasion, after giving a frustrated what? to someone that approached him, the same student remarking to someone else that the vice housewarden has been in a really poor mood lately, to which the other seemed to agree.

The potential consequences of it all does worry him. But his response to these emotions, and understanding of them, isn't quite what you might expect.

Unlike almost anyone else would be, he's not concerned or confused by the acknowledgement of the fact that he has abnormally intense, compulsive, obsessive attachment. He's not really alarmed by realizing what's happening.

See, most people go through a reckoning phase, having to do with their self-image. Most see themselves as a good person, and struggle to come to terms with their actions and thoughts — ultimately either coming to terms with the wrongness of what they want, or deluding themselves.

But Jamil is no stranger to having nefarious urges, nor does he have any real issues with acceptance of the reality of his desires. But more importantly, part of what makes him such a force to be reckoned with, and gives him such frightening potential for success as an obsessive, is a lack of any compulsion to prescribe to conventional morality, nor any feeling of need to justify his own actions. He's fully aware that the ideas in his head and urges in his thoughts are "wrong," there's no period of self-bargaining or attempting to rationalize or justify anything to himself, no attempts at self-delusion. He's just perfectly fine with accepting that he wants to do things considered immoral.

In fact, completely unlike Kalim, he's almost unnervingly self-aware. There may have been a bit of confusion, or very brief attempts to justify his actions to himself in the beginning, but after the initial realizations take place, he becomes acutely and immediately aware of every thought, every action.

He wouldn't think of himself as a bad person, but unlike most people, he doesn't think of himself as a particularly good person either. In fact, he finds the thought of people who believe themselves to be fully good to be rather exasperating and foolish. Do people really believe themselves to be innately good, that they won't act on selfish desires? He's never understood that.

It's not at all uncommon, nor is he any stranger to strong sentiments. Everyone has heard of such a thing before. It's common enough that you often hear advice of obsessive lovers being something to be avoided, meaning that while it's viewed negatively, the frequency of its occurrence indicates that it's not particularly abnormal. One could even argue it's innate in some people, some leftover instinct from more primitive days of the human species. There's plenty of cases of it in media, in the news, accounts you see from people who were subject to such a thing, and even plenty of cases in folklore. They say the great Sorcerer himself used to be fond enough of a princess to try and kill someone over her, or something like that.

It ties into his own self-perception too, his honesty to himself about his personhood. Someone who would develop such urges and feelings... yeah, he can see that happening to him. At first, it actually doesn't seem to make sense, but the more he thinks about it, the more it does make sense, after a long while of contemplating it almost amusingly, as if he's a third party analyzing someone else, and not himself. It checks out, he supposes. Irksome and inconvenient that that would develop in him, but there's no use trying to fight those kinds of urges when, based on his own observations and accounts of such things, the people who tend to have such tendencies always seem to have it in such a way that is clearly an innate part of their psychology, thus pointless to avoid, and better dealt with by adapting and adjusting. Oh well.

Those sorts of cases frequently end poorly for the individual in question, but those are normal people, with normal levels of control and cunning. By contrast, he knows himself well enough to know he has high restraint and inhibition, so the risk of acting out and drawing attention is near nonexistent, and he's patient and calculated enough that he's fairly certain he can act out the ideas he begins to have without risk of consequence.

Because there would be negative consequence, he's sure of that. The extent and intensity of his emotions is at a point that it could be considered erratic or obsessive, as he already knows full well, and would cause alarm if you or anyone else became aware of it. Even if, say, you were to return the feelings to a normal extent, even if you like him, he still has no doubt that the full intensity of what he is capable of, the malicious and unethical nature of many of the urges themselves, would almost certainly cause you to change your mind. So even if you respond positively, he has to keep that in check.

But acknowledging the potential consequences of acting out of line aside, he's surprisingly very unbothered it, for someone who is coming to the realization that they have feelings and urge for behaviors that go beyond the conventions of normalcy or what is considered "heathy." The latter of which he just rolls his eyes at; he's always been convinced that most people condemning emotions as "unhealthy" are really just trying to get people to conform to social norms -- hey, if he wants to let himself be slowly consumed by resentment over the course of his entire life, that's his business, you know? Same thing applies here. Abiding by the cultural norms and social expectations of a "healthy relationship" and "being ethical" is just a roundabout way of stopping him from doing what he wants and won't get him the results he desires, so no need to even try to listen to such nonsense.

Alongside all of that, he has remarkable persuasion skills, can lie and act very convincingly if needed. Difficult to catch off-guard, has planned out interactions and alternate paths to take in case one avenue doesn't work out. Always prepared for almost anything that could go wrong. He's patient, cunning, intelligent, perceptive... all traits you do not want in someone with his intentions. He's fairly good at concealing emotions as well -- sure, sometimes a bit of it may slip out here and there, but he's still infinitely better at it than the vast majority of people.

All of this combined — lack of concern for ethics, high self-awareness, fairly high ability to mask his emotions, unhesitating acceptance of the realization of forming an obsession, high intelligence and perceptiveness, great patience, and high impulse control in favor of cunning premeditation — makes him an unusually highly effective obsessive with an almost alarming capacity for harm and success. One of the most unfortunate individuals in the establishment you could end up catching the affections of, in terms of your chances of things ending well for you.

Not that there aren't a few moments where it slips through, just the occasional word or gesture. He's still better than virtually anyone else at concealing emotions, but nonetheless, those emotions are the ones that may just come out, if but for a moment.

You end up missing a few more days of helping him in a row. Friends invited you out to a couple of events. You didn't really think anything of it, at least, not until you come back to your usual routine, on what would have been the fourth day of absence if you hadn't come.

He's already not the most talkative person in the world, but you quickly notice an unusual curtness to his tone. Usually, if you sit down and open with a how was your day?, he'll shrug, say nothing eventful occurred, or make a small mention of something that happened if something eventful did occur.

This time, though, you get a much more brief answer. It was fine.

The tone of his voice is clearly cold, almost passive-aggressive. You tilt your head and ask if something happened, if something's wrong. You get a similarly curt answer.

No.

But as he tends to do with regards to his own behavior, he catches himself, realizes how it comes off. For a brief moment, the realization is actually a bit embarrassing -- he knows getting bitter over such a thing is immature behavior. So he corrects it, shakes his head as if clearing his thoughts, comes up with something about being momentarily distracted and answering on a mental autopilot so as to seem that he was just not paying attention, and asks you to repeat the question, this time forcing out a regular calm demeanor as if not upset.

This, the initial disgruntlement goes more or less unregistered in your memory. You do notice, though, as you continue talking, that he asks more than once about how your week has been -- you answer with a general statement that it's been good and just regular life, nothing out of the ordinary, but apparently that answer isn't quite sufficient.

And what have you been doing these past few days?

He nearly bites his tongue as soon as he says it. That came out a bit more forward and obvious than it sounded in his head. Thankfully, a quick glance upward from his task shows no indication of perturbance on your end, as you merely smile and answer in full, giving a few details of what you've been up to. Hanging out with friends, primarily. He has to refrain from asking specifically whom, seeing as at that point, further questioning on the matter would probably even strike you as oddly intrusive. He'll just have to leave it at that.

Likewise, he'll have to accept you doing whatever you want with your spare time. Any indication that he feels any other way or trying to influence your decision would certainly be noticed, and perceived as strange. It's not like he's entitled to your time... that is, from the perspective of general social consensus. He knows that reasonably, from an objective standpoint, he isn't entitled to that. Even if he might personally feel that way.

He does seem distracted, throughout the rest of the day, has to get you to repeat yourself a few times after seemingly spacing out. But he's always rather busy and under a lot of stress, you have no reason to think anything of it.

He truly does do a good job of concealing his thoughts and feelings. Most obsessive admirers would have long since cracked and shown their true colors by now, as the months go by. His is just tiny little slip-ups, every now and then, much like the first one. Primarily a slight coldness and bitterness to his demeanor whenever you go a significant amount of days without coming by. It only lasts for a few moments before he corrects it, but you do occasionally start to take notice of it. Still, that doesn't seem too out of the ordinary. You're friends, so you can understand he'd be a bit upset, when you think about it, and he's under a lot of stress anyway. Much to his satisfaction, you actually seem to take notice and correct the behavior all on your own, as you gradually stop having significant gaps in days between seeing him, and even on days you aren't coming, you now usually send a message.

There was also that time you stayed in for the day due to feeling sick, and woke up after a long sickness-induced nap to four back-to-back messages, one every hour or so from the time class sessions start, increasingly concerned by your lack of reply. Which is perhaps a bit much, but the messages abruptly stop around noon, as if realizing it was a bit too intense and backing down. But in all fairness, it's only natural to be concerned, so you appreciate it, if anything.

Then there was also the time you had that one guy that kept seeming to try to get close to you for a while, someone you'd worked with in one of your classes once and got along well with. The two of them had never interacted to your knowledge, until you were talking one day and another familiar face came up seemingly out of nowhere. Rather forcefully intruding on the conversation with an uncharacteristic bluntness and coldness, and a near tangible aura of hostility, a glare distinguishable even to you.

Yes, it was definitely too forward, and certainly both the most impulsive act and the largest blunder he's made so far, but it was borderline torture standing there up on the second floor, watching from the window, unable to do anything. He manages to at least somewhat defend himself, and hopefully quell any irritation or confusion you might have had, by telling you later in private that the individual in question is in fact known to be of poor character, manipulative and two-faced, so people say, and was probably intending to take advantage of your kind nature. You seem to accept that, much to his relief, and even express some gratitude. Unfortunately, though, he won't be able to use that excuse again without seeming suspicious, so he just has to hope you don't start to get close to someone with obviously non-platonic intentions again.

Still. It's not as if he can just take the risk, nor does he think that a simple intimidating interaction will deter the other guy entirely. Other measures must be taken.

To you, though, it's just a confirmation that Jamil was right, once the guy gets expelled. Apparently he attacked someone at random, became violent with a group of students and apparently injured one to such an extent that the administration didn't even just give him a strike, but viewed it as grounds for immediate expulsion. You mention it, when you're visiting Jamil as usual later that day, with concern and shock over the incident in your voice as you ask if he heard about it.

He just shrugs. See, told you... ah, but it's not your fault you didn't realize it. Some people are just very good at concealing their true natures, you know? But it's good that you distanced yourself from the guy before anything bad happened to you. You voice your concurrence with that statement.

And yet, after that guy disappears, so does Jamil, at least during those same time blocks. He goes back to not being around during that time, leaving you to find new people to talk to during that time instead. After all, he doesn't want to come across as clingy. Settling for returning to the window position allows for greater scope of observation, anyway.

Jamil engages in a great deal of his fixation from a distance, with you unaware of his presence. He won't necessarily come up and talk to you, but he'll watch you from across a room, from a window looking down on you below, from a shadow a ways away from the crowds and groups you're busy interacting with. He doesn't have to worry about unintentionally being suffocating, this way, while still knowing what you're doing. It's actually a process that often makes him upset, an irritating swelling feeling to his chest, because people like you far more than he would prefer, and now he's forced to watch. Not that he would want people to dislike you either, that would probably hurt your self-esteem and... ah, whatever. It's just irksome to see people gather around you so much. It would be preferable if your presence wasn't treated as something of a spectacle on the campus, but there's nothing he can do about that.

He's even more careful not to make mistakes and show affection than he is careful about negative emotions, but that doesn't mean positive emotions don't also sometimes show as well.

You're far too nice to him, for one thing. You just have to go on these spiels about how much you appreciate his help with various things, or when he thanks you for helping you just have to smile so sweetly and say you enjoy it, that you're glad you get to come by and all... it's one of a few ways to make him genuinely flustered, unable to look you in the eye, all stiff and fidgety as he mumbles something about how it's appreciated, and that you don't have to feel pressured to and whatnot. You have a tendency to say too-nice things that leave him feeling all hot in the face and embarrassed for the rest of the day. Just like the initial feeling of attachment itself, it's almost unpleasant in its own way, and yet, it's addictive.

You still just barely notice the slip-ups, if at all. Those times where he maybe gets just a bit too close, talks to you for a bit too long, seems a little bit too nosy asking what you've done today or prying for details on a conversation you had with someone else -- before he catches himself, correcting the mistake by switching topics or coming up with a reason to leave so as not to linger too long. Can't give you the impression that he wants to stay around you for much longer, can't come off as desperate or vulnerable.

Little things like that. Mostly tiny little mistakes, and besides, he's increasingly even more careful not to make such errors, often getting a bit panicked after each one and becoming stricter in the future. None of it ever crosses the line of what would really catch your attention as something abnormal or something that would induce any concern.

It carries on for some time like that. His self-control allows him to maintain a state of limbo, where he can keep himself in check, not doing anything he shouldn't nor making any move to take anything further, but ensuring you stay close, that you don't drift away. Making sure there are no more issues with people becoming too close to you in ways he doesn't like.

But much to his satisfaction, you seem to grow closer anyway, without him having to take any sort of action to do so. You come by more than ever, and he likes the implications of the fact that you come to see him so often.

He tends to be a bit more open to sharing thoughts and observations normally kept reserved to you, too, as he grows more comfortable talking to you. A bit more openly negative and sardonic. It's not even intentional, really, it happens subconsciously at first. He's just never had an outlet before, and once he does, it becomes such a source of catharsis that one day, after making a slightly negative comment, to which you inquire about the matter, he finds himself starting to perhaps say a bit too much. Unloading all of his frustrations and bottled up negativity. Initially, he catches himself doing it and cuts himself off after a few moments, starting to apologize and saying something about being irritable as he didn't sleep much the night before or something like that.

But you shake your head.

Oh, come on, it's fine. You don't have to pretend around me, you know?

He pauses for a moment... but shrugs, starts to return to voicing the same thoughts. He still won't fully express his feelings, then, but if you're fine with it... it can't hurt to talk about some of his frustrations and complaints. If anything, you seem to find some of the comments amusing, snickering at some of the more sarcastic mutterings. It actually feels quite nice. It's something he hasn't ever really had before, usually having to keep all his negative thoughts to himself. In the end, you end up unwinding too, complaining about this or that. A cathartic session for you both, and you end up sharing a few smiles and laughs over some of each other's accounts and shared annoyances.

It would seem, though, that his efforts to grow closer to you do pay off. It's pleasing. It feels like it's "going somewhere," so to speak, that all the conversations have progressed to being closer and closer; which is, of course, what he would hope for.

Eventually, he figures it can't hurt to try and push for some progress himself. Yes, perhaps he can afford to try and make some small push forward, little by little. He takes the same approach as he does to most matters -- quietly, patiently, avoiding risky, bold, reckless actions in favor of a gradual and calculated plan.

What he decides on doing does require him to take some initiative and ask, although he chose a group event rather than anything you'd be by yourselves for. Just one of the many large dorm-wide social events they have in Scarabia on a regular basis, although this one in particular is supposed to be for something special or another. You agree to it, with a smile at that. It's very reassuring.

Except it turns out that that presents a brand new problem.

Well, part of a larger problem. As he's observed, you've been mingling with different people, forming a friend group during your time on the campus. He would know, he's been watching very carefully and making note of each person, and may or may not have interfered once or twice behind the scenes to prevent you from interacting with individuals he would prefer you not to.

One, however, has not only slipped through any attempts to deter interaction, but apparently has avoided registering on his radar of who you interact with entirely. The only conclusion is that you must have had all your interactions during those times where he can't watch over you. Just perfectly, by the narrowest of margins, managing to grow close to each other, somehow exclusively during those few times he's had his back turned and off fulfilling some other responsibilities, completely unbeknownst to him until this very moment.

Or so he learns, when you arrive, smile when you see him, immediately making your way over to him to talk... until something else catches your attention, something behind him. Your eyes flicker to something just over his shoulder, something he can hear approaching with rapid footsteps and saying your name. Something that quickly swerves around him in favor of lunging at you and grabbing you into an enthusiastic embrace.

...What.

It feels like some sort of cruel joke from a higher power. Like the will of the universe is to spite him. Like being a comedic relief character where the running gag is his constant misfortune. He finds himself standing there, arms limp at his sides, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, eye twitching as he looks back and forth between the two of you.

But... but how did... when did you... you never mentioned... why...

You're clearly overwhelmed, though, you have that awkward smile where you're clearly uncomfortable but don't say anything to be nice... so after a moment of pause (as soon as he finishes mentally cursing his very existence to whatever force of the universe is listening, that is), he doesn't hesitate to reach out, grab and pull the invasive creature off of you by the shirt collar.

Kalim, you're being suffocating.

Not that those words deter the other boy for even a second. Other than a brief choking sound at sudden jerking motion pulling the front of his clothes against his throat, he immediately recovers, bright-eyed as he gets out an apology, smiling all the while, and continues rambling about something else, until being interrupted.

I didn't realize you two even knew each other.

It takes every ounce of his willpower to force those words out in a way that sounds neutral and curious rather than like he's about to strangle him to death, but he manages. You smile and start to clarify that oh, yes, you have this or that class together and have talked a few times... which just so happens to take place during the longest stretch of the day that he has to go without seeing you, which he frequently worries about. How incredibly coincidental. Haha. Anyway, if you'll excuse him for just one second, he has to go check on something to ensure that the students have everything ready--

--which is actually him walking off to the nearest secluded spot and slamming his fist into the wall with all the force he can muster without breaking his fingers. Takes a deep breath in, deep breath out. Okay. That was cathartic enough to hopefully get him through the night with minimal homicidal urges.

Kalim seems absolutely determined to test that, however. You would think he was the one who invited you here, given the fact that he seems dead-set on monopolizing your time and attention in every conceivable way. He can barely get a word in, can barely say anything to you for a few seconds without getting interrupted. At several points throughout the night you quite literally get dragged away by the wrist to go look at something or participate in something, while he sits there left with nothing to do but seethe over it, trying to distract himself by taking in all the stimulus of the crowded lounge, lest the violent urges start getting the best of him because he's about arm's length away from several very sharp objects on the table and it's starting to get a bit too tempting. By the time midnight rolls around, he's barely gotten to spend any time with you at all. He's pretty sure you've actually been trying to keep coming back and talk to him, but keep getting dragged off and are too nice to say anything about it.

Normally, he's masterful at keeping his outward emotional expressions in check. But for once, he finds himself so deeply upset, such a tight feeling in his chest, that he can't sit there and bear it with a blank face like he normally does with everything else. He ends up having to walk away, quietly slipping away to go walk it off to sulk and seethe alone.

The campus is fairly empty this late, so it's easy to get some fresh air by oneself as he mulls over it. Even though he's by himself, he sighs, has to stop and pinch at and rub the bridge of his nose in irritation. Getting this worked up over a crush, what is he, a grade schooler? It's embarrassing, even if he's the only one who knows. Even having what would be called a "crush" is embarrassing, really, it feels infantile. It seems like something that would be laughable if other people caught onto it. Ugh.

He keeps walking, until he's out of the dorm, slowly moping his way across the campus, long since gone quiet and still due to the lateness of the hour, no one else around. Makes his way over to a bench in an empty campus building.

Finally he gets to just sit down, takes a deep breath in, deep breath out, tries to relax the tension in his shoulders, tries to calm down. Mentally forces himself to clear his thoughts, leaving a blank slate so he can transition to thinking about something else to hopefully take his mind off things, and just allows the first thought that pops up to come to the forefront of his mind. Unfortunately, that thought is:

Which one do you like more?

Dammit. Can't clear his mind after all.

And God, that feels childish. Like how young kids quarrel over who is the best friend of someone else. Just thinking about it feels embarrassing, even if the thought is just to himself.

But it does seem like question that has an answer. After all, when he thinks about it, he can form a pretty solid ranking in his head of acquaintances, and which ones he's more fond of than others. Surely you have the same.

No, that's a stupid question. Obviously it would be him.

...Right?

Yes, it's a ridiculous question because it's obvious. You spend more time with him, you know him far better... it's a foolish question, he shouldn't even be worried.

Still, he can't get rid of the gnawing, unpleasant feeling in his chest, it's eating away at him, driving him up the wall. It takes a while before he can bring himself to go back.

By the time he does so, though, it's fairly late into the night, you're clearly exhausted (no doubt largely due to having your energy essentially siphoned out of you), you speak in that sort of "departure" tone as people do when they're indicating the end of a visit as you say that well, I should be getting back...

Maybe it's the heat of the moment, the lateness of the night drawing out impulsiveness, the possessive irritation and intense emotions, perhaps some need to feel reassurance, some sense of reclaiming something, that emboldens him. Maybe he's still just irked about not having gotten to spend any real time with you. Or maybe his earlier crisis has left him with a desperate need for confirmation. Regardless, for once, his impulse wins over his inhibition, over any self-control. He finds the words coming out without thinking.

It's rather late. You could just stay with me, if you want.

He stiffens as soon as the words come out of his mouth.

It's not as if you're that naive. It would be one thing if he said there was a spare room or something, but directly telling you you can stay in his own room has very obvious implications that he definitely can't excuse his way out of, and he's fairly certain you're definitely not at that point, at least not yet, and his skin crawls at the realization that saying that most likely just ruined any chances of ever reaching that if anything. All that effort, all this time and careful planning, and he may have very well knocked all that down in one sentence.

He starts to try and back out of it, heartrate going up with a moment of panic, opening his mouth and getting out a brief stammering attempt — ah, nevermind, if you don't—

Okay!

There's a few moments of quiet. Blinking at you with a numb expression before seemingly processing your words. You've never seen him undergo quite such a loss of composure within a second, eyes going wide open and stumbling over his words.

I... Well, a... alright. Then, you... I'll, ah, it's over there...

But it's endearing, really. You find yourself smiling while you walk back. He keeps talking about something else entirely, as if to distract you both from any acknowledgement of the exchange that just occurred. At least he manages to successfully distract you into looking at something off in the distance once you reach the room so you don't see the slight tremor to his hands getting the door unlocked and open.

The night lasts a long time. You can still hear the muffled sound of the noise going on outside as the other students continue to do whatever it is they're all doing (some collective game or another, being far too loud), but you manage to talk at least loud enough to hear yourselves over them... and continue to talk... and sit down... and then you lay down... and then you're both side by side... and then your legs brush up against each other... and then there's a few awkward moments of silence...

You do like him quite a bit, so, you're fine with it. He doesn't flinch or pull back when you lean over onto him, doesn't shift when you pull yourself closer, instead wrapping an arm around you. One thing leads to another, as such matters tend to go over. It's awkward at first, of course, like most friend-to-lover situations are -- once the heat of the moment is over, you're left panting and sweaty and you both sort of look up at the same moment and your eyes meet. A few seconds of silence pass. For such a composed person, you've never seen him quite so flustered... but it's cute. You find yourself grinning and giggling and reveling in the ecstasy.

You're happy about it. You get the sense he's happy about it too. You fall asleep pretty quickly, enveloped by warmth.

And he is happy. Truly. It doesn't even feel real.

But he's also very, very worried. Panicked. It begins to set in before he can even properly appreciate the bliss of the moment.

Even if you are willingly with him, even if you love him, that almost makes things worse, because now he has to work with the fact that the social expectation is to increase time with you and that he can be more openly attached, but still have to be careful not to go too far. Not to mention, this makes things more fragile. Riskier. Doesn't it? You're going to be more observant. It will be harder to hide certain behaviors from you. You'll be more careful and critical of what he does as a natural means of protecting yourself, you'll notice any slips of the tongue he might have gotten away with before.

Besides, this part is just one step of many, so he can't afford to relax. He thinks back to that same concept as before, that the social interworkings of all this sort of thing is like a game, a competition. If he lets his guard down and assumes everything is fine now, that just opens the possibility of being caught unprepared if something bad does happen. No, now he has to be even more vigilant and even more protective than before, and more careful of limits.

Nor are said expectations and their limits always clear. Where does the line of acceptable behavior get drawn? Does it not vary from person to person, from one act to the next? He can't afford to find out by trial and error, either, that's too risky.

For a short while, he contemplates if maybe he could get away with just one or two small abnormalities. After all, everyone has flaws, and people expect that partners will have flaws. Can he outright tell you to not interact with a specific person? Is that normal? No, that would definitely be seen as controlling. There's definitely some things he can determine by thinking it through like that, but that doesn't apply to every situation, which is the greatest concern.

And perhaps more importantly, it makes everything feel harder to deal with. It was easier when he had to refrain entirely. Now, it's one of those situations where having a taste of something makes one all that much more weak to craving for it, makes it all that much more alluring than when you had no concept of what the experience was truly like before.

At least his nerves are calmed by the fact that you spend more time in his presence. He doesn't have to deal with intrusive thoughts of concern about what you're doing and if something could be wrong at any given moment.

Perhaps most relieving of all is that other people seem to back off to a greater extent than they already did. You must have told people.

Well, most people. Most people back off, seem to respect him enough to give you two a bit of space while still being friendly towards you both. Don't get too physically close when talking to you, and certainly don't touch you.

Except for one.

The only upside to you being so close to Kalim is that, by extension, you see him more often than you would have just him on his own, as the two are often together. Granted, you're obviously spending more time with him anyway, but now that he's with you more often, that means he gets to witness you two interact, and on the rare occasion you were seeking out Kalim for something, he's usually there too.

You two get along very well. Which he's very frequently forced to bear witness to for the entire duration of your interactions, quietly sitting there with a clenched jaw and fingernails digging into his thighs and the occasional eye twitch that hopefully goes unnoticed. At the same time, that's comforting in its own way, as he can directly witness it rather than have to be psychologically tormented by knowing you two interact but not knowing the details and specifics.

But unlike how Jamil himself would give plenty of space to Kalim and a darling, Kalim does not do the same for him. He's still talkative with you, and touchy too. Far too much for the sake of sanity. He constantly grabs at you, hugs you when he sees you (for several extended seconds, not just for a moment), gets far too close into your personal space when talking. On more than one occasion, he's insisted on trailing along with you two for this or that venture, being an oblivious third wheel — which is made far worse by the fact that you don't seem to mind at all, paying them both equal amounts of attention.

At first, he tries to apply some reason to it. Maybe he thinks it's fine since the two of them are inherently close. Maybe he doesn't realize just how intense he is, or doesn't think he's passing the boundaries of what's considered acceptable. Or...

...And then he realizes that that's giving Kalim's intellect way too much credit. No, it's just how he is, nothing more. He's just outright not thinking about it.

This can become an issue, to say the least. Over time, he does his best to try and avoid you both coming into contact, tries to memorize schedules and give Kalim a wide berth to ensure minimal contact. Nonetheless, of course, it doesn't always work. He finds himself grinding his teeth, stiffening up as he watches you two interact. A person with less self-control would have certainly put the boy in a chokehold at least once by now, but he manages to bite his tongue. Can't just let him have this one thing in peace? Have something to himself? No, of course not, of course he has to be the one to suffer like this... despite the thoughts in his head, he has to be careful not to let that pessimism show in any form of outward bitterness, has to keep a neutral face and mildly exasperated voice at best, pretending any frustration towards the other is due to his high energy and antics and not the fact that just watching you two talk ignites violent instincts he didn't even know he possessed. But there's not much else he can do other than tolerate it.

Besides, it's not as if that's the only person he has to worry about either. Now that you're actually attached to him, he has to ensure that you stay that way, seeing as plenty of people would gladly take his place. But rather than just dealing with others, part of keeping you means making sure you're attached to him.

Unfortunately for you, this does not manifest as exceptional kindness towards you, nor trying to please you, or anything of the sort.

Sure, he could be sweet to you, shower you with affection and attention and gifts and so on... but that is a form of "losing." Making it too obvious that he needs you. There's a chance you'd get bored. After all, why take the "wholesome" way, when that isn't guaranteed? Especially when what is so often deemed the wrong way of doing things, has a guarantee to work. Frankly, that way has a higher success rate, so he sees no reason not to take it.

He has plenty of subtle, conniving means of prying into your mind without you really noticing it's intentional. You, well, you're incredibly easy to manipulate -- and that's a good thing. He likes it that way. Every single trick in the book, you respond perfectly.

It's fairly easy to discern any insecurities you have, some he was already aware of and some that become more evident as you become more emotionally open around him. So he can pick some nice words and compliments that are just a little bit backhanded, have the slightest of implication of a double-meaning shortcoming or insult laden in them, you visibly seem to notice, and sure enough, it's only a matter of time before you express some insecurity over the the thing in question -- and he's right there to assure you that it's entirely fine, or even appreciated... the unspoken implication being that yes, the thing you're insecure about is true, but he likes it. Worded in just the right way so that you won't feel like it's intentional, no, you're sure he had the best of intentions and meant to make you feel good, but it just came out the wrong way, or you're just being too sensitive, or he's just being how guys can be where they're a bit obtuse to how their words might not be as helpful as they intend. He's clearly trying to make you feel happy, right? You appreciate that in its own right.

Besides, it's easy to reassure you with physical affections, too. That becomes another frequent element of your day to day life... he's a fairly restrained person in public, and much prefers being alone and behind closed doors rather than being together while around others. Besides, even if not just for getting to interact more directly with you, being alone in the dorm means being able to relax and unwind... and get out any stress. Which he has a great deal of -- you can't even begin to imagine the level of stress this boy has pent up, given the hectic nature of his daily life.

He's not particularly "kinky," per se, not really into any particular paraphilias or extreme forms of bondage or use of much tools, so much as he is simply rough. He tends to grab rather hard. Likes holding you down the whole time in some way, restraining some part of you with his own hands, often pinning your forearms down or grabbing the underside of your knees and pressing your thighs against your chest with force. His hand often ends up on your throat. He has a tendency to be rather harsh with it overall, merely rutting into you with animal-like forcefulness, leaving you exhausted and sore... although he at least seems to get flustered about it after the fact, mumbling apologies and getting you water, holding you close and all that.

You do notice some of the more... aggressive elements of the his sexuality, but it doesn't concern you. It's fairly common for someone of his age and sex and all that, and besides, it's normal for people's sexual tendencies to be non-reflective of their character otherwise. You have no reason to think of it as anything worth noting, and no negative thoughts cross your mind, other than the soreness and the tendency for bruising. If anything, the whole "gap moe" between the roughness in the heat of the moment and his usual collectedness versus the sheepishness afterwards is rather cute, really, that that's the one thing that such a normally composed person as himself can get easily embarrassed by. It reaches a point where you're more or less used as some kind of stress toy... but you don't mind at all. It does make you feel loved, which is also a critical part of the intent.

But outside of direct expressions of affection, he ensures he's very subtle in his ways. Being outwardly nosy would just irritate you.

Sure, he wonders what you're looking at whenever you stare at your phone screen, but doesn't fall for the urge to lean over and look, you'd probably find that annoying. He just waits until you go to sleep to look through it, checking the times of certain messages being sent, scrolling through conversations each night until reaching the point of the last time he checked, occasionally taking screenshots and sending them to himself before going back and deleting both the messages on your end and the photos themselves.

Likewise, he doesn't linger around when you're talking on the phone trying to have a private conversation or the like, no, he just quietly gets his own phone out, opens the audio recording app, and leaves it in the room while he goes off to do something else, plays it back later when you're not around. He doesn't ask who certain people are and why you interact with them, instead opting to do some digging on his own time, seeing as there's plenty of online information on nearly everyone, or simply networks his way around into finding out more about a certain person.

All very carefully ensuring you don't perceive any clinginess, any obsessiveness or possessiveness. Nothing that would annoy you or turn you off. He manages to never really appear very bothered or curious about anything, and never exhibits any behavior that would ever lead you to even consider the possibility of what is actually happening in reality. You would never think of him as anything but a very healthy partner — in fact, more so than the average person, he doesn't exhibit any of the controlling or intrusive behaviors you hear people complain about in their own partners. You think of him as an exemplary one.

But nonetheless, every now and then, as time goes on, he starts to just barely get this sense that he's too close to reaching a point where things become unbalanced against him. That whole concept he was worried about, where you might feel like he needs you more than you need him -- and while he's fairly certain that's true, he can't have you sensing it. Yes, he's sure you're starting to get bored, to get complacent, and soon you'll probably want something new and more exciting. The fact that he's essentially surrounded by an ocean of competition doesn't help his nerves. He's practically like some poor animal trying to protect its kill from a horde of other predators that would gladly steal it from him the moment he looks away for so much as a second.

But if he's outwardly worried, insecure about it, comes across as desperate or needy, that will only turn you off to him.

So he takes an entirely different approach.

Suddenly, you find that he seems to be oddly absent. You've developed a habit of walking to certain classes together, but suddenly he stops showing up to the regular spot where you meet up. Disappears and is nowhere to be found during your lunch periods. Doesn't send as many texts. When you do see him, he seems absent-minded or distracted, not spending more than a small amount of time before apologizing and claiming to have something needing to be dealt with before disappearing again. Is suddenly unable to spend the night over, claiming to be busy with something. In truth, he's just gone back to watching you from a distance... but you don't know that, of course. And, although it is greatly difficult on his end, he has to even refrain from being as physically affectionate, often standing, keeping his laptop on his lap while working and so on, so you can't lean onto or embrace as easily, and even more painfully, not being able to spend nights over means having to sleep alone without your affectionate snuggles, and having to just jerk off when he could be inside you instead. Sigh... such painful efforts to go to for the sake of security.

It works perfectly. It becomes clear in no time at all that you're a bit hurt by it, which quickly turns into outright concern and insecurity. You get this sad look on your face whenever he "has to" leave, look at the ground. You start to speak in a softer voice when you ask about doing something together later. And, very much to his satisfaction, you stop talking as much to others even compared to when you spent more time with him, opting to sulk by yourself, presumably in too poor of a mood to socialize.

Eventually -- perhaps a bit disappointed and fed up with waiting, as he was really hoping that you would outright address it and ask about his sudden distance, but oh well, perhaps a bit of a push is necessary -- he seems to "realize" how upset you are one afternoon that he (now a rare occurrence) stays with you throughout the day, and you wrap your arms around him, rest your head on his chest.

Ah, I've been neglecting you, haven't I... I've been so busy, I didn't even notice.

You pout, but you nod.

He puts a hand on top of your head. You always seem to like that. Gives you a sort of warm, endeared smile. Ah. Sorry. I'll be more careful. I hope you can forgive me?

He might feel a little bit guilty, sure, but it's also an incredibly satisfying feeling when you nod again. But not so satisfying as what comes after that stage, when he reverts back to suddenly giving you plenty of attention and affection, even apologizing again for the period of neglect, and seeing how happy it makes you. You seem incredibly relieved and ecstatic, you respond more affectionately than you even did before, and perhaps, he can't help but notice, you seem to be even more clingy and desperate to please, as if afraid of losing the closeness again, now that you've regained it.

Next time, it doesn't take you as long to get desperate. Because of course, there is a next time. It's inevitable that the relief and worry wears off just a bit, and he can detect just the slightest subtraction of affection from you as you begin to drift into a "comfortable" state once again. He doesn't like that state. Sure, you're still affectionate, but not as much as he would like. And your affection lacks the sense of neediness and insecurity and clinginess that gives him a sort of exhilarating, ego-boosting high that the "comfortable" levels of affection just doesn't provide. So inevitably, he has to get a bit distant again, although it never takes quite as long as the first time before you get clingy and desperate and you go through the cycle all over again.

Soon you seem to have a constant subconscious level of fear, he doesn't even have to try and distance himself. You'll ask a questions at random that's just an obvious plea for reassurance. You'll check to affirm that you'll be going through the same routine as always the next day where you spend a certain block of time together, followed by a quiet 'right?' that's dripping with the perfect level of insecurity. Your grip around him when you're lounging around and resting against him is always tighter than it was at the very beginning. You're touchier altogether, often leaning and embracing and nuzzling, whereas in the "comfortable" state you might have been on the other side of the room doing your own thing or the like. You start performing little gestures of affection more often. Whenever you're alone at night in one dorm or the other (increasingly often his, as he's more or less convinced you to spend most nights in a dorm that doesn't have ceiling leaks and enough dust to fill a lung), you tend to be more provocative, and not at all subtly, opting to walk around in underwear and having completely ditched those pajamas you were provided with by the administration when you first arrived. You initiate more often, too, oftentimes just randomly latching on and climbing onto his lap and rolling your hips forward, latching your mouth onto his. You wrap your legs around his waist when you're on your back, rather than just having them spread apart, you latch your arms around him and pull him so close your bodies are pressed together, the noises that come out of your throat sound so much more desperate and needy than before.

A back-and-forth, push-and-pull -- the push that puts distance between you just makes you all that much easier to pull back in, and reaps great rewards from you when he finally does.

It's euphoric. It's perfect. It feels like complete and total control. You're so desperate. Whenever you're clinging and pressed up to him afterwards, he often has to pull your head close up against his chest so you don't see his expression. He knows full well there's a sinister sort of glee to the grin on his face, but for once, even he can't refrain.

Well, it's almost perfect. Everything with you is perfect, but there are obstacles that remain preventing everything from being perfect. And at this point, they might as well be dealt with.

Despite all your clinginess and the effectiveness, there are still assigned times for classes and extracurricular responsibilities (which he temporarily thought about abandoning, but that would come off as a bit too needy) that require you to be apart. And during that time, as he's learned from having "accidentally" put his phone in your bag and recording the whole time a few times, he knows what you're doing. Identifies the voices of those you talk to, and can't help but notice that not only are they the same people consistently, but there's one in particular that makes those violent urges flare up again. Hell, he snapped a pencil in half by accident just while listening to the playback.

No matter. He'll just have to resort to his Plan B. It wasn't his first choice, seeing as there are potential complications, but he has no real reservations. He can't put a rift between you and Kalim, unfortunately, as that would likely just become problematic for himself later down the road... he'll have to work with just keeping you two apart, whenever he can't be right there. That's the only real way to deal with that problem.

Besides, he's only a genuine issue during one specific time slot. The schedules of various students aren't always consistent day to day. Some lectures are longer, labs tend to be shorter, so on and so on, people have different time gaps, some students even eat lunch at different times depending on the day of the week.

You have one particular gap of time where you have no classes, but he does. It's not too big of a deal, seeing as you usually just go over to the Scarabia dorm these days and talk to some of the others anyway... but therein lies the issue for him.

On one of those days, you're a few minutes later than usual, as he left his pen sitting on the desk in the last class, and you went back with him just to keep talking, opting to take the extra minute or so to stay together, as it wouldn't be more than a minute or two delay. With the majority of the throng of students already rushed to their next destination, the halls are empty as you reach the spot where you usually part ways until meeting up again later in the day. But as you say something about seeing him later—

Oh, before you go, one more thing.

You pause. You turn your head back around to look at him.

Hm?

...You jolt at the sudden commotion, snapping out of a daze. That big clocktower bell ringing off in the distance at the middle of the campus, followed by the loud sounds of dozens of students' chattering and footsteps as they head on to another class.

Oh, the period is already over.

...Wait, what...?

Your head throbs. You feel dizzy, disoriented. For a brief moment, your surroundings seem to spin around you, until you shake your head in an attempt to clear it, and the feeling seems to go away. But you're not in the spot you were in what seems seconds ago, instead sitting down at a desk. There's a tingly, fuzzy feeling in your head.

Oh, right. You opted to take some time for yourself this time around in an empty classroom because—

...because...?

Right. The book on the desk is open. You were studying. You seem to recall some of the information retained, even if you were sort of spaced out for the duration of the studying itself, everything for the last little while feels like a blur. Was there a test or something coming up? There isn't one today, but you must have remembered to study for a reason. Your mind was preoccupied, one of those moments where you realize you've been spacing out for a long time, so lost in thought that you don't really remember the words your eyes have been scanning over, nor your own actions.

More importantly, you remember talking just before you were about to head off, Jamil was going to tell you something important, but admittedly, you can't remember what he said. You feel sort of bad about it. You just hope it wasn't something too important, like something you were supposed to go pick up or something like that... you're sure to ask later, and apologize for spacing out while you're at it. But it must have been no big deal, based on his own words.

Tell you the truth, I don't recall either... ah, it's been a long day. I'm sure it wasn't important.

You end up making a habit of it. You find yourself ending up in the same spot on that day each week, like clockwork, without even thinking about it. You're pretty sure you gravitate towards doing so out of a need for a brief rest to rejuvenate your energy for the day.

...But it does feel strange. The first time, you dismissed it as just spacing out, and the second time as well, but you keep noticing you follow the pattern without intending to. On the third week, you very specifically told yourself you wouldn't be sitting out today like you had the past two weeks, since you felt plenty energetic and missed talking to Kalim and the others you usually spend that time with... yet found yourself ending up there anyway. Your head always feels fuzzy when you seem to recuperate your energy and alertness. You mentioned it to Jamil once, and he merely told you to just stay consciously aware and not drift off into thought right before that time period... and it did work, at least that one following week. Then it went right back to the other habit, and from then on, you find yourself alternating, sometimes going to be with friends, but quite often ending up by yourself, completely lost in a blank state of mind. You feel dizzy, disoriented. Each time, it feels like there's some sort of gap in your consciousness, like waking up from a dream.

It's not the only sudden onset of odd occurrences, either.

The first occasion of the other occurrence leaves you entirely bewildered. You did notice that one of your friends seemed to avoid you for a few days in a row, but you figured he was just busy, so you're caught off-guard when he comes up to you looking down, apologetic expression on his face.

Hey, I just wanted to apologize again for the other day... I don't know what I did, but I'm really sorry if I upset you...

You find yourself in a confused stupor for a few moments, unsure of what is even being addressed. After a moment, your following questioning prompts the boy to elaborate on how you exploded out of nowhere... I figured you must have been really mad at me for something... followed by a brief recollection of some choice unkind things you apparently came up to him to say out of the blue, and another apology. You stammer something about how it was fine, you don't even remember any of that, you're not mad at all... you must have been mentally preoccupied and just blurted out something without thinking, or so is the best explanation you can conjure.

You don't think too much of it, though, until virtually the exact same thing happens again. Another person coming up to you, asking if they did something wrong followed by a claim that you released some sudden angry outburst seemingly at random and didn't provide explanation. You try to reassure them of the same thing as you told the first, making note to yourself to be more consciously aware of yourself. The only thing you can really think of that makes any sense would be your initial conclusion... or, perhaps, it does strike you for a brief moment that they're just messing with you, but the sincerity and slight hurt in their faces and voices makes you second-guess that idea. You must have actually said those things and had such outbursts, even if you don't recall, seeing as multiple people are making the same claims.

It doesn't take long for the matter to get worse. Soon, you find that when you come up to the same friends, smiling as you approach to initiate conversation, they merely narrow their eyes, huff and glare, turn the other way, sometimes walk off. You must have done something to upset them, or perhaps they're still upset about the outburst you apparently had...? You try to ask, but you get nothing but glares, harsh words telling you to just leave me alone or similar dismissals. To make matters worse, you're questioned by others as well -- what did they do to deserve that?, but everyone seems to think you should know what you did, and never elaborate.

You're bewildered. It feels like being an outside observer to some sort of mass delusion. You have absolutely no recall of doing anything that would upset anyone.

You even considered the notion of it being some sort of large-scale prank wherein you'd later be told they were all just kidding and trying to confuse you, but as time passes it becomes clear it was serious. That being said, you know you didn't do anything, your mind can only think of a few other possibilities. Why would people lie to you?

It's as confusing as it is hurtful. You didn't actually do anything to anyone to deserve this... the fact that multiple people would be needlessly cruel for no reason feels unfair and painful, although you suppose it's not at all unheard of, school environments are known to generate some of the worst people. You hope it will pass.

At least you still have some solace. Yes, really, the timing was at least as good as it could have been, seeing as now, you have someone you know will believe you and think the best of you no matter what, and will give you the comfort and reassurance you need. After some prompting about how downtrodden and melancholy you seem, you do finally open up about it.

Jamil doesn't seem particularly concerned about the matter, though. He shrugs it off, dismisses your concerns, although you do sense that he's trying to make you feel better. He dismisses the idea of it being some sort of conspired ordeal, says that's just being paranoid, but the alternative he suggests does seem helpful -- that you did indeed do what you were told you did, but with reason.

Perhaps you're under excessive stress. That would put anyone in a poor mood, and you may be too preoccupied to really recall the occurrence... or, it's likely that those individuals draw negative emotions out of you. You shouldn't spend time around people that make you feel poorly.

And then, after a pause, he adds,

Besides, you've never been anything less than kind towards me. That would suggest others are the issue, not yourself.

You appreciate the input, but the situation still certainly bothers you. It's not only your friends, either, that start to behave unfairly and even cruelly towards you. You would not have thought yourself to be someone who would be targeted for any malice, as you've tried to be nice and considerate and have never done anything you can recall that would have made you an enemy to random people.

You're completely caught off-guard, then, when some people seem to begin treating you as such at complete random. People you don't know very well, or have even never interacted with. You were sitting in a classroom when someone walked in, grabbed your things and ran off with them before you could take it back out of their grasp. And then, within days of that incident, someone comes out from the shadow of the side hall as you're walking, shoves you so hard you fall face-first to the ground, and runs off before you can identify them. Then, you leave your bag sitting down for a few minutes during a break, only to find someone, be it out of malice or carelessness, must have hit your bag with some heavy object, seeing as the laptop the school provided you with is smashed, forcing you to get a new one after profusely apologizing. It gets worse and worse, people coming up to you just for some cruel act or another, and now you don't even have friends to defend you... they only seem to bother you when Jamil isn't around either. You imagine that's because they know better than to provoke him, maybe.

You stay quiet about it for a while. Wouldn't want to burden him with such a thing, and you hope that it will pass... even at prompting, you merely mumble that you're fine, that you're just tired, that nothing is wrong. To say you're being bullied or anything of the sort would feel childish. It's just people being jerks, surely they'll move on and mess with someone else. Telling him would just upset him for your sake, and then you'd feel like you were overreacting, blowing it out of proportion. It's just rudeness that everyone will deal with from someone at some point. You're not even sure who a lot of them are, though... it's almost always, for whatever reason, students you're pretty sure you've never even interacted with, as if intentionally doing so in order to ensure you won't know their names or faces and can't confront them or report them.

Although it gets harder to handle, the longer it goes on. Getting tripped, shoved around, stolen from, even a few times getting things thrown at you... you find yourself becoming quieter, increasingly tired and depressed. It wears you down, emotionally and psychologically. You're always paranoid someone will come up to you and do something. You start to shut yourself in. You take longer to reply to the friends you have left. You start leaving earlier, when you usually hang out with them... even then, several of your friends no longer seem to want to hang around you anyway. It hurts.

And eventually, it becomes too much for you to keep trying.

It's almost startling when Jamil comes back to his own dorm room one day, for you to already be there. He's usually the first one back, while you spend an indefinite amount of time with friends and never come back at a consistent time, so he's caught off-guard to find you already back in the room. Curled up in bed, chest rising and falling with slow, heavy breaths. Your eyes seem a bit puffy, swollen, the flesh around your eyes reddened.

Poor thing. Yes, he did account for the fact that you'd inevitably get your feelings hurt from the acts, and when you started finding yourself all alone, but he does still feel bad, seeing you so upset. In fact, the realization that someone else caused this -- because it was, after all, someone else who actually committed the cruel acts, who did mean things to you, and thereby they are the ones responsible -- he has to swallow the subsequent feeling of sudden rage down. It's a necessary consequence.

The guilt doesn't last for too long. He climbs into bed over you, lays by your side, wraps an arm around you... he's not sure if it's a subconscious action in your sleep, or if you stir for just a moment, but regardless, you suddenly grunt as you turn over to face him instead, instinctively snuggling up close to the warmth, nuzzling your face against his chest. Your hands latch onto his undershirt, fingers curling to secure their place before you return to the soft little breaths, lulled back to deep sleep by the steady heartbeat against your face.

When you wake up, he's sure you'll be at a breaking point, you'll finally break down and talk about how mean and cruel people have been to you lately... and then he can assure you that it'll all be fine, leave for a while and come back, tell you they won't be bothering you anymore because he took care of it, but you should probably not go off on your own again anyway... yes, that will work. That should go over very smoothly, given all the steps that have been taken to ensure it.

And then... that will be everything. All the little obstacles, all either out of the way entirely, or well within the realm of being manageable.

Yes, with that, that momentary, miniscule guilt dissipates, replaced by a swelling, euphoric feeling of satisfaction and smug pride. Everything worked out exactly as it should. He runs his hand over the back of your head in slow, soft motions.

If it all really is some sort of social game, then this must be what it feels like to have won. He couldn't be happier with that outcome.

#having a loving and mutually respectful healthy relationship: ❌#pulling some 4D chess bs to destroy your gf's psyche and self esteem to force her into dependency: ✅#yandere twst #this made me realize i need to learn how to write consensual stuff which is simultaneously hilarious and awful that i like never have

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familyvideostevie · 2 years

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hi can I request a steve x fem reader where Steve just noticed every single detail about reader (how she skips a commercial that has sad dogs in shelters because she genuinely suffers if she sees a sad or homeless dog, how she always picks her nails when she’s anxious, stuff like that) and it’s just so special to her because literally no one else had noticed those little things.

this is so cute i made myself sad writing this bc i want steve. hope you like it! | 0.9k, fem!reader, fluff fluff fluff

Steve isn't the fastest to the answer or the one to put the pieces together, and he knows that. But he's gotten really good at watching and paying attention. He knows that Dustin hates tomatoes and Robin never double knots her shoelaces until he reminds her. He knows that Max likes when Lucas hooks his fingers through her belt loops but doesn't make a big deal about it. He knows that Mike always calls El when it rains. Hell, he even knows which brand of juice box Erica prefers and keeps them in his fridge.

So, it's only par for the course that Steve spends a lot of time watching and learning you. He did that before you were together, but now it's different because you're his. And he's yours. And he really doesn't think it's a big deal, that it's something worth talking about until you come over one day looking sadder than he's ever seen you.

"Hey pretty girl," he says. You don't even hesitate before going in for a hug. "Oof. You okay?"

"Hi Steve," you mumble into his shirt. "How are you?"

"I'm fine." He rubs his hands over your spine. "Tell me what's up?"

"Am I boring?" Steve's brain skids to a halt. What?

"What?" He pulls back from you, hands on your shoulders. He realizes that you don't look sad, actually. You look like you're thinking hard about something, brows scrunched and nose wrinkled. You let go of him and fill up a glass of water at the sink.

"You can be honest," you say. Your hand is clenched on the counter top. "I can take it."

"I...think I'm missing something here." Steve doesn't know where you've gotten this idea and he wants to figure it out so he can hunt them down and...wag his finger in their face, or something. "Who said that? Did someone tell you that?"

"Doesn't matter who said it, Steve," you sigh. "Is it true?" Steve moves behind you and puts a hand on your lower back, fingers splayed so his pinky sneaks under the hem of your shirt to touch your bare skin. Your whole body relaxes, just a little bit, but that's all he needs.

"C'mon," he urges. "Fill me in. You know I'm slow." That gets your attention, your head whipping over to glare at him.

"Steve. You're not slow."

"And you're not boring." You roll your eyes at him and turn so his hand rests on your stomach as you lean against the sink.

"The new girl at the store was talking about all the stuff she does for fun. She's on a roller derby team, she volunteers at the library, she lived in France for a year. And I thought about what I do and what I like and I...couldn't think of anything."

"So you decided you're boring because you haven't been to France?" Steve honestly doesn't see what's happening. "Still confused over here." You groan and move away from him and he can't bring himself to be embarrassed about the sound he makes now that he's not touching you.

"There's nothing special about me!" you cry, all of a sudden incensed. You pace, hands in your hair in agitation. "I'm just...some girl. I work at a bookstore and I don't have interesting hobbies and I'm boring." Well, that won't do. Steve lets you pace, but he's not about to let you say those things about yourself.

"When you wake up you always stretch like a cat and then crack your neck," he says. You stop in your tracks and look at him like he's speaking gibberish. "You pick at your cuticles when you're anxious and you drum your fingers in a little pattern when you have a song stuck in your head."

"Steve--" He holds his hand out and starts to count on his fingers.

"You dog-ear the pages of your books but won't annotate them because it's 'vandalism,' you tug on your seatbelt just once after buckling it, and you always squat down whenever you talk to a kid."

"Are these interesting? Steve, come on --" He plows on, moving closer to you with each thing he says.

"You always know when Robin gets too nervous and you hold her hand to give her courage. You make Max new mixtapes every month. You write Will letters." He cups your face and plants a kiss for each thing he says, forehead, cheek, cheek, nose. "You eat popcorn at the movies one kernel at a time. You always smile when you see a butterfly. You hate wearing socks to bed unless they're mine. You wrinkle your nose after you sneeze like it's your first time sneezing."

"Those are just silly things, Steve," you whisper, eyes downcast.

"No, they're you," he says, tapping your chin so you'll look at him. "Nothing about you is silly."

"I can't believe you noticed all that." You lean in to kiss him just once, a sweet, quick thank you. "No one ever has before."

"Of course I did. You're interesting. Like a science experiment or something, I swear." You laugh and he relishes the sound. "Seriously. That's what makes people interesting. All the small stuff."

"I don't know --"

"I do. Everyday I learn something new about you. And I get to do that forever. What's more interesting than that?" You close your eyes and he kisses the soft skin of your lids.

"God, Steve. How do you come up with this stuff?" He smirks, pleased.

"I practice in front of the mirror." You groan at his joke, surging forward to kiss him for real this time.

tags: @cheerupbarry @srrybutno @97soroka @sunlitide @gloryofroses19 @carpediem1219 @themarvelousbee @sunshinehollandd @katsukis1wife @imherefortea @spideyboipete

want to be added to my tag list? send me a message and specify for steve, eddie, or both! reblog, send feedback, requests open, masterlist here!

#emma's asks #anon ask #steve harrington fluff #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington x fem!reader #steve harrington x you #stranger things fic #stranger things x reader #stranger things imagine #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things x you

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darkbluekies · 1 year

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Hedwig asks #1

Next one Concept: I've put multiple asks into one post to avoid too much loose posts on my account! This way, you have more to read too<3

Warnings: a little suggestive, yandere, manipulation, blackmail

How would Hedwig react if s/o left on vacation without telling her?

...what has she done to you? Hedwig will 100% freak out. She'll be so anxious and scared that she faints and won't be able to go to school. She stays shaking under her sheets with tears running down her cheeks. She'll call you hundreds of times and leave a dozens of messages where she BEGS you to answer. She's nothing without you, so why can't you just answer?! When she gets to know what you've done and why you have left her alone, she'll be so mad at you that you regret everything. She'll book her own flight and go to you because you can not escape her. Wherever you go, she goes.

How would Hedwig deal with an escape artist s/o who doesn't leave, lets say her s/o rejects her she kidnaps them and ties them up only for her to turn around and their sitting down like it's a regular Monday morning and is just like "It's pretty nice here I think I'm gonna stay😀"

"W-What did you say?" she stutters.

She can't believe how you got out of the ropes so quickly or why you aren't screaming. She'll be white as a ghost trying to understand that you're staying voluntarily. Suddenly, she'll feel ashamed of kidnapping you.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I-I thought that ... you know ... that you didn't want to be with me. You rejected me ... remember? But I'm not mad! Not anymore! Not when you accepted to stay. I will make up for the bruises you got. I apologize for that. Should I get the first aid kit?"

would like to see a scenario where readers parents are protective and wary of rich people bc they think rich people look down on people and hedwig tries to get them to like her

You try to convince your parents that Hedwig is different, but they're not buying it. 'Every rich person is the same, only caring about themselves', they say.

Hedwig has invited them over for dinner to show how well mannered and down to earth she is. Or that's at least what she hopes she is. You're trying to calm her down, but winning your parents over means everything to her. She wants to be the perfect daughter in law.

When they come over, Hedwig is on her best behavior. You think she's acting silly, being too friendly, too well behaved. It's unnatural. Your parents are reserved and quiet. You can see their eyes light up slightly when Hedwig tells them that the chef has prepared their favorite meal. She adds on that you've helped her make this special.

During the dinner, Hedwig asks your parents questions and tries to hold back her usual talk about things she does. She doesn't want to seem unrelatable. She engages in conversations, just like she does when talking to you, and gives appropriate comments. It almost feels rehearsed.

Hedwig even gives them a gift. Nothing flashy, nothing expensive. Just a box of chocolate as a 'thanks for coming'. She gives you a hopeful look. Maybe your parents will start to change their attitudes about her.

Can you do Hedwig and her s/o who doesn’t know what to do with their life? Like any career doesn’t really interest them

You sigh, rolling over on your stomach to let the sun grace your back.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Hedwig asks from the towel beside you.

"Nothing, I've just had time to think now that we're free from school and ... I realized that I don't know anything. I don't know what I want to be, i don't know myself and I don't know how the world works. I don't think school prepared me for anything."

Hedwig sighs and sits up to look at you. Her white bikini glows against her sunkissed skin. Hedwig thought that you and her could spend the first week of summer break at her house by the pool.

"You don't have to stress", she says. "It's not like you will become homeless. You have all the time in the world to figure out what you'd like to do ... but you could just be a stay at home partner. I wouldn't mind. I can always pay for the both of us. You could dive deeper into your hobbies instead of working!"

Hedwig won't admit out loud that she'd rather have you be a stay at home partner than go out into the big, scary world every day to work a heartless job. She doesn't want to share you with the world.

"Do you know what you want to be?" you ask her.

"I don't have to be something", Hedwig smiles back. "I have enough money to last a lifetime. But ... you're right. It's boring being able to do everything you want anytime you want it. Getting a job would make me a bit more occupied. Model, maybe?"

"You seem to have an idea at least."

"Darling ... you don't have to stress it. I have a wonderful future planned for us. We're going to go on a lot of vacations and just enjoy life. Doesn't that sound nice? Don't stress about it. Just stay with me and you won't have to worry."

Hedwig trying to explain to reader why they would make an amazing couple and family

If the laws of physics doesn't bend to her will, she'll force them to bend :)

If I may what is Hedwig's finger size??? Asking for research purposes obviously ☺️ (HEDWIG PLEASE MARRY ME IM SO GAY FOR YOUUUWUVVVWWBINFRRFCE💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💖💖💖)

Hm yeah, research purposes oBVIOUSLY. hedwig will marry you in a heartbeat.

How would Hedwig react to a teasing reader marking her neck. And then when things start to get even more passionate, they just completely stop and walk away like nothing happened

Her entire body will go weak with your touch. She'll start to use grabby hands to get you closer and whine. She's pudding in your hands. You pull her closer, making sure to put pressure points where you know she likes them only to let her go and walk away. She blinks in confusion.

"Y-Y/N, no, don't leave! You can't leave me like this! Y/N, come back! Please!"

Hey ! I love your fic about hedwig and the f-boy, and after reading it I wondered what would happen if he actually leaves her because she broke his trust ??Ps: your blog is so pretty <3

[thank you so much!!]

oneshot this is based off of

She won't let him. Hedwig's a fantastic manipulator, but if he can see through that ... she'll take drastic measures and keep him with her. She'll blackmail, kidnap and convince him.

"I'm sorry for everything, Y/N. You know I love you. A lot. That's why I'm doing this. You have to understand that what I'm doing is the right thing. Now, please open your mouth so I can feed you."

How do you think hedwig would react if her darling wasn't into women

Hedwig would be so sad. In her perfect world, you love her and she loves you, but if you're not into women, she'll try to act platonic with you. if she can't have you romantically, she'll at least have you as her friend. She can't imagine a life without you in it and will do her best to be the person you want her to be.

GOSHHH, I LOVE HEDWIG SO MUCH..I just wanna spend a day just purely spoiling her with attention. You write so well!! It made me developed a hunger for this type of writing. 😖

Oh my god thank you so much! i'm so glad you like both Hedwig and the writing <333

#yandere #yandere x reader #yandere drabbles #yandere x you #yandere imagines #yandere fics #yandere talks #yandere oc x you #yandere female #clingy yandere #obsessive yandere

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wetcatspellcaster · 2 months

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Honest Lie - 6, 22, 25

6. What do you need to write? Is there anything special you need to do/have to help your creative flow?

Honestly, this is an interesting question for this fic specifically, bc my writing usually comes from a place of... pure fucking spite lmao. If there's something I don't like enough, I want to fix it (in Bleeding Heart, it was all the early access bullying lol). An Honest Lie is weird because I actually really like the Astarion canon storyline - though I can't speak for patches. So in this case, what I need to write, is a few weeks of getting depressed from my angsty as fuck AU, and then I come here to be cosy and promise my OC the world :')

22. Does personal experience ever inspire your fics? What about this particular fic?

Crying. killshot.

The fun thing about me, is that I don't consider any of my OCs self-inserts or related to me at all(this is no judgement to self-insert OCs, I simply do not consider myself hot enough to hold a candle to the imaginary women in my brain and thus, I admire anyone with the confidence).

...And then I go into therapy, and my therapist asks me about my writing, and then they give me a long hard look and I say "oh, no, I get that look, but it's not me, you see. because this girl is hot :) and pink :)". And then my therapist looks at me some more.

which is a bit of an overshare, but basically it turns out that every fic I write can be archaeologically surveyed about a year after I write it for the personal experience it actually entails (yes, I'm extremely worried about Pieces).

luckily, Rosalie is 2yrs old, so I have done that work already! and oh boy, does that make writing An Honest Lie fucking weird at times!

I've been pretty open that Rose was my pandemic OC. I didn't write her based on my own pandemic experiences - it was actually that two of my friends at the time were agoraphobic, I was anxious, and I liked the idea of a magical cure for both of those things, in the form of the tadpole. But since I wrote the first fic with her, I have realised a lot about myself: I have recovered from an acute self-hating depression, and I have received an autism diagnosis, all of which seem relevant to the Masker Extraordinaire.

If I was to pinpoint the exact piece of personal experience here, I think it's the irrational fear that all recovery can be undone in an instant. That is the worry that motivates a lot of Rosalie's character. Like Rose, I really fear the moment where my progress is exposed as a lie, or the risk that one thing will tip me back into my worst moment without me having any control over it. I don't think it will happen, but I do feel like that possibility haunts my choices and my everyday life!

25. Is there anything you would change about this fic? Why/Why not?

Weirdly... I'm not sure if I'd write it? which is a depressing way to answer this question. I like it as a project, but it's a little different than my approach to other fics - it feels messier as a story. I mostly started it bc people asked for a continuation of my first fic, and I have a lot of love for A Bleeding Heart... neither of these are good motivations for a whole new fic lmaooooo. But now that I'm here, I wouldn't change anything. I've accepted it's going to be a messier, more self-indulgent project, and that while it doesn't come from my usual urge to fix things in a story, which means I have less prompts going forward, instead I just have to fully enjoy the bits I love.

behind the scenes fic asks!

#asks #mutuals #ask games #behind the scenes #wip: an honest lie

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a-kookie-with-my-tae · 3 months

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TEASER

Pairing: Idol!Jungkook x Music Producer!Reader

Genre: Angst (bc I hate myself apparently), Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut

Word Count: 1.2K

Warnings: Reader is emotionally constipated, Koo just wants love, yelling, crying, why do I do this to myself, omg the tension between these two I can't even

A/N: This teaser seems super angsty but I promise the full fic is really fluffy, too! The reader just is really battling some trauma and inner demons and all the confliction that comes with it. I know this is pretty long for a tease, but I got a bit carried away writing, haha. I hope you enjoy, let me know what you think!

Masterlist

"Why do you always do that?" My hand freezes on the handle of the door, pausing my escape as his words resonate sounding as if he was speaking directly into my ear even though he was positioned on the other side of the room.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I state firmly, albeit shaky. I turn my head slightly to the side toward him, my eyes planted firmly forward.

He scoffs. "Am I just crazy then?"

His voice cracks as it rises in pitch and volume, maddened at my anesthetized tone. I hear the sound of shuffling footsteps as he paces the length of the small studio we occupy. I almost smile at the habit, Jungkook always tends to pace when he's in his head.

"I mean, I can't be imagining things, right?" I hear him pause in place, assuming he's now facing me. "You have to feel it, too."

He says it almost as a question rather than a statement. I hang my head, eyes focusing on the light gray carpet as they start to well up. I take a deep, shaky breath as I try to gain my composure. I can never hold anything back with him, that's always been the problem. I thought I was as cold as ice, hard as stone. But near him I'm nothing but glass. He always seems to shatter my facade, pull out the emotions I locked away long ago.

The urge to turn around and face him is near impossible to subdue, but I somehow managed to push the feelings down. I can't allow myself to feel for him. He's unreachable, even if he wasn't the most sought after man in the world. I can never compare to who he is. If I tried, I'd only fail. He's a shining light, a beam of beauty and I would only swallow him up in my darkness. I haven't allowed myself to love anyone in a long time. Loving him would only break me.

My breathing stutters as I feel movement in the room. I don't even have to turn around to know that he is standing directly behind me.

"You have too..." This time his voice is almost a whisper, his soft breath brushing the back of my neck. My hand falls from the door as they ball up in a fist, fingernails digging into the skin of my palms to hold back from reaching for him. The tears in my eyes start to fall as I fight the urge, my heart shattering in the process but I steel myself still.

I feel his hands hover over my arms, my body sensitive to his slightest movement. They shake as he tries to decide whether or not to touch me, knowing it's wanted but feeling it unwelcome in the current circumstances. I can feel the confliction in his mind.

Just ignore him. He can never be yours, no matter what he says. Stick to your guns, Y/N. He's just another boy...

They sound like a lie, but the words still bring me reason, a new resolution, reminding me why I'm attempting to escape. The room feels heavy with tension as he waits for me to speak, our breathing the only sound.

But the silence is deafening.

My eyes dart back and forth as I try to put words together. A confession and a lie dueling for dominance in my head as my mouth stutters for a singular thought.

I suck in a deep breath as his hand touches my fist, unraveling my fingers.

"Turn around." Jungkook says softly, fingers intertwining with mine.

I turn my head to the side, still not able to make eye contact with him. I know as soon as I see his sparkly doe eyes filled with everything I'm terrified of... whatever resolution I have will shatter.

"Jungkook..." My voice cracks as my tears fall heavier. I clear my throat before straightening my spine and facing back toward the door, my eyes zeroing in on the handle. "Jungkook, let me go."

"Why?" His voice echoes through the studio as he raises his voice in exasperation. "Why can't you look at me?"

He grasps my hand harder as I try to pull away, tugging me toward him as my back hits the firmness of his torso. Even in my current state of mind, his touch still sends tingles throughout my whole body, melting me into him as my body betrays me. It brings me warmth in a way I've never known, and along with it the pain of knowing I can never allow myself to bask in it.

"Because I'm not doing anything." The words don't even sound true to me, but I still try to fool myself into believing that I'm not lying through my teeth.

"You're lying!" He shouts. He pulls away from me, turning around. My body shrinks into itself at the loss of him, cold and numb. He laughs darkly.

I turn around, confused as to what could be bringing the laughter. I regret the decision immediately.

He's more disheveled than I've ever seen him before. I don't even have to see his face to know the agony that's in his eyes. His hands are buried in his hair, tugging it at the roots as if pulling it in all directions will somehow ease his frustration.

He turns back around and his eyes lock with mine. My heart shatters at the state of him, cheeks red and tears streaming down his face. Whether they're from heartbreak or anger, I don't know. But, my resolution is slowly breaking away at the sight. Confusion, confliction, frustration, and pain all swim in those beautiful doe eyes and I hurt even more than I thought was possible seeing it.

"You feel something, too! I know I'm not crazy. There's something here, I know it. But every time I get close, you run away..." His eyes bore into my very soul as he pauses, looking like a mad-man. The fact that I'm the cause if it makes me conflicted. On one hand I want to run and tug him into my embrace and tell him that it will all be okay. But on the other... I know it will only make it worse if I give in to that urge.

Slowly, he steps back toward me, reaching for my hands. This time I let him.

"Why do you always run away?" He whispers as he stares at our intertwined hands, a small crease forming as his brows furrow.

I look down at our hands, his fingers almost playing with my own. His are warm in mine. They feel as if they belong, sending warmth up my arms and to my chest.

I take a deep breath before speaking.

"You scare me, Jungkook." I admit, the whisper almost deafening.

There's a pause as he muddles over my words.

"Why?"

His hand reaches for my cheek when I don't respond, his fingers wrapping around my jaw and behind my ear. He gently turns my face up until I lock eyes with him, all the feelings that have been rushing through his mind can be seen clear as day in them.

"Why do I scare you?"

He pushes further, the crease in his forehead deepening. He steps even closer until our lips are mere inches apart, causing me to have to look upward to meet my eyes with his.

"What are you so scared of?" His voice raises as his lips curl.

"Because you're someone I can see myself falling in love with!"

My eyes stare at his chest, rising and falling with each jagged breath he takes.

The silence seems to last forever before he's finally breaking it with a whisper.

"And what if I want you to?"

And I fall.

#jungkook x reader #bts jungkook #bts #bts fanfiction #fanfic

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berriesandjunnie · 2 years

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dating jeon wonwoo [birthday special]

happy wonwoo day, carats! here’s a celebratory wonwoo headcanon<3

wonwoo x afab!reader headcanon no translations needed what a man to date huh

lets start with how this man is in general yall!!

absolute simp

i said it

wonwoo is an undercover simp

he will do absolutely everything at the request of his partner

you want one of your cravings?

hold on sweetie he'll be there in 10

he's always been a lot quieter than you

perhaps one of those opposites attract vibes that somehow moulded together perfectly

some people like to doubt that the two of you even get along

but you love him literally who wouldn't

okay so his bday!

i can picture this is an early relationship and you've not made the first move of living together

this makes you a little sad bc you can't wake him up with birthday streamers but whatever

you do however! heavily decorate your little apartment in birthday things

you know he wont give a shit and probably wont like the colour but

you don't read minds and you are incorrect

he turns up at your house after spending breakfast with svt and dealing with their bullshit

he thought he'd escape it at yours but LOL

pranked

but as much as he perhaps isn't the type to plaster happy birthday banners to the walls and bunty above door frames

he can't help but smile and show his cute ass teeth when you turn around for a moment

doesn't despise the colour but he does think its questionable

you absolutely litter him in attention

he's always so attentive to you and your needs that sometimes its easy to get caught up in what the other may want

so when he moves to get a drink, you're up on your feet quicker than him and hurrying to the kitchen

wonwoo has to state like ten times during present opening that you do not need to do it for him

"but i want to"

"today does not immobilise me i can get stuff myself"

"well you're another year older grandpa don't hold your breath"

that's another thing like????

you two tease each other SO much

perhaps not as much as jeonghan would to his partner

but still you're a very playful couple behind the scenes and thats what the public will never understand

bc svt literally overloaded him on food for breakfast bc they simply love him that much he didn't really want to eat for a while

that is absolutely frickin fine to you

you do however drag him for some time in the sun, wandering seoul's streets and admiring small shops the two of you had never noticed before

and of course a cat cafe is involved why the fuck wouldn't it be

i'm sorry but the pure joy you get from seeing wonwoo quietly cooing over cats while sipping iced coffee is !!!!!!

even tho it's his bday he does get you some small things you like out of the stores you venture into

but he can't resist a book store and he gets a good few books for himself there that he's always wanted to read

you'd already stated you'd be borrowing them when he's done

anyways so you head back to your place and wonwoo is just like can we order takeaway?

and you was going to cook dinner for him but the heat lowkey ended you and you just wanted to sit down

so you agree!

and of course, gamer woo has a console at your place, obviously

he ropes you into playing minecraft and being his little flower collector

ofc you'll do that??? its his bday you can bring him flowers and shii

and plenty of tamed kitties!!

he names all of them a variation of your name and nickname

sorry but i am BAWLING what a man

wonwoo is so head over heels for you he never needs or wants anything extravagant from you

he appreciates your time and the effort you already subject into dating an idol

he always thinks you're the better partner for dating someone in the industry and he thinks you're very strong for it and hypes you up

he's even mentioned it in an interview before!

maybe in public the two of you aren't keen on pda - being an idol is a reason on wonwoo's behalf, it sucks to have media track you - but in private?

all this man wants is you curled up against him, a blanket draping over his and your legs and controllers in both of your hands

it's his absolute favourite thing in the world, to have you so close to him even if you don't play the game sometimes and just watch

he loves you

a lot

and he knows people think he's a super awkward quiet guy who probably isn't too fun to date

but you know otherwise as the two of you cuddle up on your couch and you request more cobblestone from him for your house

and in response he not only gives you a few stacks of cobblestone but a kiss on your head

"happy birthday wonwoo"

"thank you my love"

#cafeshuaaa #seventeen #svt fanfic #svt fluff #seventeen fluff #seventeen wonwoo #jeon wonwoo #happy wonwoo day!!#svt #svt x reader #svt imagines

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intergalacticaquarium · 2 years

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more terrible no good headcanons for eddie disaster dreamboat munson

I said that if anybody made him too cool I'd have to add more and that's exactly what I'm gonna do babes because I had to scroll for way to long to find him making spagetti-os

(posting again bc it wasn't showing in the tag)

(first post)

-genuinely doesn't know what those stains are. Didn't even know it was stained bc he's had the same fitted sheet on it with one corner tugged off for 8 months and forgot about them since last time

-throws away Tupperware if the stuff in it is too gross

-he's pretty sure that green sour candy counts as a vegetable so he does eat at least 3 a day.

-just. Doesn't ever throw things away. Stupid shit like the backs of band aids and paper straw wrappers and napkins and hooooo boy this has turned into a callout post about myself

-sometimes horseflies fly into his hair and get stuck and he can hear them buzzing around and doesn't necessarily so anything about it right away until it stops

-no room for legs in the front seat of his car that space is reserved for old fast food bags

-buys new underwear instead of doing laundry

-hey why do I keep writing genuinely embarrassing things that I literally do irl. Is this really worth putting myself and the 4 huge bags of laundry I have in my tiny car and all my band aid wrappers on blast. Next I'm gonna write that every surface in eddies house is covered in stacks of hobbies and papers that feel like a goddamn archeological dig every time I clean

-psych he does that too

- ok things that I don't also do so that I don't start having a crisis that makes me a tidier person:

-feeds a family of raccoons that live in an abandoned hunting cabin in the woods

-one time he let one live in his closet for a bit and hoped Wayne wouldn't notice (this may explain some of the stains)

-this boy spills. Everything. He's a hand talker and it doesn't matter if he's holding something.

-the hand talking is also terrifying when in a car he is driving

-never drinks water ever and it stresses ppl out

-every single time he sees somebody he knows in public he will try and sneak up on them to scare them

-wears shoes inside bc he broke glass on the carpet months ago and he doesn't want to vacuum.

-the only place he has to actually sit and do anything I his room is his bed because everything else is covered in stuff

-everything is covered in stuff but every drawer he has is empty

-theres one category of things he owns that is organized absolutely meticulously and idk what it is but he's very proud of it and when he says he's "cleaning his room" it means organizing like band tees alphabetically or sorting minifig painting supplies and everything else stays trashed

-it's a perm and he did it himself in his bathroom 100%

-hair dye stains all over the bathroom from an ill advised look a while back. and maybe a few more times

-doesnt have a compulsive habit to bite his nails he does it bc he can never find the damn fingernail clippers

-notes and doodles. All over his arms

- yknow how when u were in school by the last day you'd have like one pencil and nothing else and u kept a hold of it bc you couldn't find any others?

- eddies been at that point since about half way thru his first senior year. He has one pencil and it is a stub (it is a d.a.r.e. pencil and he does find it funny) with no eraser and it's not sharp and it had a million bite marks on it

-has little stoner burn holes in all his clothes all his sheets his matress his sheets and the seats on his car bc he needs to be more careful and is gonna end up starting a fire someday

-wait that last one was a me thing

-maybe this is how I can embrace my flaws. make eddie do em too. it's cute when he's disgusting

-I no longer have improve myself at all

-puts random food in his pockets for later even though it will get linty. Gonna go ahead and say that I don't do this.

-isn't actually that good at guitar it turns out

-I gotta stop myself now because I know they'll just keep comin but add any you can think of or dm me because every time he gets worse he gets more of my love so like 2 give him a hug reblog 2 spray him with a hose

#eddie munson x reader #stranger things #stranger things x reader #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things fic #my writing #eddie munson #eddie munson x oc #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie tag

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davepetea · 2 months

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((just ranting abt writing fanfics you can ignore me lmao. I'm just in a weird place atm but I'm feeling kinda passionate abt writing rn so I'm gonna vent

originally I wrote a lil of this in the tags but then decided to just chuck it under a readmore so people aren't subjected to it against their will. then it got really long.

I'm not actually expecting anyone to read this im just sorta venting to myself. it helps me get my thoughts sorted if I write them down. I can also look back through my #.vat file tag in a few years from now and hopefully be like "wow I'm doing so much better than THAT now", so if that's the case, hi future Vatta! I hope you're having a good day. and if you're not future me, then I still hope you're having a good day, I love you, and this is your chance to turn back bc my rants are boring and LONG

(not turning back yet? ok. your funeral)

so, I haven't been online much bc I've just been in a weird limbo lately and I'm really busy when I'm at home either sorting stuff out or, with my PDA, doing anything I can to avoid my responsibilities lmao

I've been rereading my Tokyo ghoul light novels (I only have Void and Days ? I think they're called), rewatching Zankyou no Terror, and Bungou Stray Dogs (plus the live action Beast film which was? hilarious but I don't think it was supposed to be), and just suffering lmao

(you're still here? wow. you need a hobby. jk. ily)

I've been locked out of the systems at work for a bit, but I still need to be there and wait for the IT ticket to be sorted, so I've gotta be at my desk, cant have my phone or anything, so instead of sitting there doing nothing, I've either been reading, doing codeword puzzles, or I've been writing up 'drafts' for potential fanfics.

in this year of our sufferer 2024. I've been writing up some self indulgent homestuck college AU lmao. I've written over 60 sides of a5, (not inc the inbetween sections where I wrote some stuff on the chromebook at home) some notes, some accidental first draft, bc I wanted something to take up the time. but my handwriting is terrible, I don't write fast enough for my brain, I have a lil dyslexia so the letters and words get jumbled sometimes, and I have this weird thing where I don't do spaces right. but I've been trying to upload it to Google docs with Bixby's photo text extraction. it's pretty good considering how bad my writing is, then I just need to go through and touch it up, the main issues are things like names, there's some letters I do weird like my v turns into an r, or every p it thinks is a capital, but overall. amazing how technology do that.

(see my long ass rambling isn't just confined to venting. I also pretend to write actual things. you can still leave you know. I'm not holding you hostage until you read all this. you have free will)

can't remember how I ended up back in fanfic hell but I read back through like all my old published fics (aside from the cringe ones I orphaned) and the writing isn't terrible. I don't think I actually finished any of them though, which really shows my true nature lmao,,, but I've picked up a few things on my writing style now. and I've got a few things I see other people do that I wanna avoid bc I personally don't like it, and it's mostly about balance, like using names too often/not enough, being too descriptive like All The Time and making the writing really nice, but not much happens in the story so you take like an hour to read each scene, vs not enough description so everything is happening but you don't really get a visual or a breather to appreciate what's happened so far. I've been working on finding my right balance, which is imo easier if you're writing fanfic bc first up you hardly ever have to describe the characters. if someone's reading it they already know who they are. and for scenes you can take some inspo from the source material. does the original work put alot of effort into setting a cool scene? if not, then you don't have to either! if it's 90% scenery then you've gotta do it too I don't make the rules

I'm losing steam now I'm so sleepy and I've gotta go to work in a bit ugh.

(bet you're sleepy reading this too huh. told you it'd be boring)

I've been thinking about trying out writing some BSD fics but on an anonym not linked to my main Ao3, bc the themes are doozys and I kinda just wanna have the freedom of anonymity. also I'm a baby and if someone publicly criticises my stuff without it being a requested critique then it makes me bleh (I've had a few comments in the past of just general negatives, not even constructive feedback, not that I asked for any anyway...), but the abilities are tricky to write for, so it's effort lol

anyway I'm gonna stop now ive gotta get ready for work

(if you actually read this then thanks for going on this emotion deep dive with me. tune in next week when we'll get back to my usual mental breakdown)

#ooc post.#.vat file #genuinely I haven't been online on any blogs lately bc I'm doing. v bad. mental wise.#/rant off

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thisdreamplace · 8 months

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Hi Dream, how are you? 🥹

It's been a long time since I've sent an ask, but let me tell you that I feel like a recovering addict. Let me tell you why. When I found the law of assumption and EIYPO, I became a control freak. "Acceptance" was not in my vocabulary. This really frustrated me because there were situations that I couldn't change, and I also did not have in me that humility to accept things as they were.

A huge problem was me not being able to accept rejection (romantically) because I had this mindset of "I can only be rejected if I allow it". So whenever a potential romantic partner didn't want me, I became a control freak and wanted to change the situation very badly, and became obsessed with the person. I never got significant movement with these people who I was trying to change, for obvious reasons. I was not seeing my own value, and only cared to be valued by others no matter what, even going as far as putting myself in dysfunctional situations.

Recently, I was once again rejected, but this time the difference was that I do not want to change it. I do not want anything different. I've had a hard time trying not to blame myself for it, and trying to just move on. Normally I would try to force mental images that I don't even feel pleased with, about this guy being obsessed with me. This time I am allowing myself to taste what it is like to just accept it, to be fearlessly disliked.

It is not a bad thing. Maybe, yes, he is mirroring me, and that's fine. It makes no sense to try to get out of my way to change his mind. Or, try to fool myself, and change my mind for the sake of changing his. Idk if you know what I mean? I feel like right now the most sane thing I can do, is not to shift this whole thing or try to do anything about this, but instead, just let it be like this. Allow myself to feel this disappointment freely. To just observe it. I do not need anything different. And like, this opportunity can serve me as a way to bring me closer to myself.

I feel like I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling. I'm kinda confused. Sometimes I think "why will I allow him to reject me if I can 'manifest' him", but being completely I don't even have reasons to want him, besides the fact that my ego is hurt.

But anyways, this feels new to me and idk why I wanted to send you this. I guess, I wanted to talk about it, and I feel like I've followed you for so long that I feel like you're like a friend or a big sister that I really appreciate.

hiiii <3 i'm okay ! how are you ? :))

hahah its totally okay. because i think MOST of us can agree with that on some level ?? i was also a control freak, and ouch. did it hurt me more than help me. and acceptance was so scary at first, that i put it off for a long time before allowing myself to being practicing it. but hey, you made it here. so good for you !

i also understand your past struggles in that way. when youre on that control kick, you dont even really want anything other than to PROVE it. so you hold on to people, things, circumstances... as a way to try and show that you are in control after all.

everything that you're saying is making sm sense to me, seriously. and i'm glad for you that you're choosing to deal with this circumstance differently than you have in the past. THIS is the biggest start. i remember being in a veryyyyy similiar situation as you before, and i ended up manifesting a measly text a week after a rejection and for a second i felt happy... and in the next second i felt like a silly clown. that was my final turning point, where i realized it was time to change. bc what i DIDNT want was these failed experiences and trying to do control damage after each one. so i stopped trying to control things. i started to just accept what was, and start putting more energy and life into the experience i did want. and most of that looked like... just letting life be, and learning how to enjoy life as it was for me at that moment.

so anyway. what youre experiencing right now, i understand it fully. the ego will make us chase and chase. but we really don't have to, if we'll step into acceptance which feels scary and uncomfortable at first for many. but its what leads us exactly where we wanna go.

i'm glad you shared it with me. i'm proud of you and where you're at in your journey ! you're doing the best you can for you. and thats wonderful. 🥹 <3 i appreciate you sm ! thank you for being here.

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soloorganaas · 17 days

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20 Questions for Fic Writers

ty for the tag @tracingpatternswrites 💕 this was a lot of fun

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?

786,190 (400k of which was in 2022? what a year)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

star wars (original trilogy + the mandalorian mostly), hp (marauders) and good omens. I have some glee fics from ~2013 but we don't talk about those

4. What are your top five fics by kudoss?

A grave mistake my most beloved <3 red lips and rosy cheeks right back where we started from brush the sky (wild considering it's for such a rare pair but i did start writing it 10 years ago) help me hold onto you (i had no idea this had got so popular! i love this fic so much i'm so pleased)

5. Do you respond to comments?

i am absolutely horrendous at responding to comments. my ao3 inbox is at 544 unread i'm so sorry

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oh hands down never doubt that it was real which was full of all my tragic comphet feelings before i realised i could just fix canon instead

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

hmm well excluding fluffy oneshots it would probably be red lips and rosy cheeks which is tooth rottingly sweet

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i got a LOT of angry comments on a grave mistake. there were people who were really really mad bc they took one character's side or were outraged at infidelity which was wild to me because that is literally what the fic is about it says right there in the summary + tags. i also had someone get angry at me for using the tag comphet for an m/m fic because it was originally a term coined for lesbians. people were wild on that fic i've also got a couple of really vicious comments/anons about me'usharim bc it's set in israel. truly, the audacity to write a jewish story set in a jewish country

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i've written most kinds of smut in terms of gender/emotional context/relationship dynamic, but i've never done anything kink-related and probably never will

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

no i do not but i have a tenth or fourteenth doctor/good omens au circulating in my mind at all times

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

word for word? no

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no but i'd love if someone did! i'm very slowly working on translating charm work into french honestly bc i wanted to see if i could

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes! it's so much fun! i wrote architects anonymous with @sliebman10 as part of the hp 2022 mixed up writers fest where we took it in turns to write a chapter without planning the plot together. then @impishtubist and i thought it would be fun to bring our own chaos to that idea and figures of delight (drawn after you) was born

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

hanleia <3

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

what's life without a little risk which i want to finish soo much but i have no idea where i'm going with it. my writing style has changed so much, my characterisation of remus is fundamentally different, and i've written so much of what would happen next in other stories. i kinda just want to find a way to wrap it up at this point

16. What are your writing strengths?

hmmm... I think realism in terms of depicting emotions and relationships. I've been told I'm really good at writing intense smut which isn't something I ever thought would be a strength 😂 but I'll take it. also making story settings really immersive, especially when the setting is central to the plot like red lips and rosy cheeks or right back where we started from. i have a lot of fun with that

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

slipping into gratuitously flowery language or emotional intensity. a grave mistake was soooo intense and it really changed my writing style so now i have to constantly remind myself that sometimes i need to chill tf out

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i do this all the time! red lips and rosy cheeks had french, italian, hebrew and arabic and it was soooo much fun. i also write quite a of mando'a into mandalorian fics. i think it adds a lot to the story and i love reading fics with multiple languages dropped in

19. First fandom you wrote for?

doctor who (which is not on ao3 thank god)

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

a grave mistake and it always will be ❤️

no pressure tags for @strugglequill @lynxindisguise @squintclover @kleyamarki 😘

#tag games

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rainbowsky · 1 year

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so today my mom was over at my place and my desktop background is a picture of xiao zhan from his winter solstice shoot, and when she saw it she asked who the hottie was and i had to restrain myself bc it was not the time place or the right person to info dump to! luckily or maybe unfortunately as an autistic person "conceal don't reveal" is a thing at which i excel alkjhslkdjf

but that got me wondering if i could perhaps ask for your perspective and experience with this, since i know you are also autistic. i find it very difficult to determine how much of my hyperfixations and special interests are safe to reveal to others and i've had some not so great reactions before so now i tend to keep up the mask and hold it all in, even with people close to me. as a result i know i probably come across as a very boring and negative person who is never interested in anything. i don't think i'm like that, but honestly i'm not sure anymore. i've pretended for so long i don't really know who i am.

do you share a lot with the people around you about your special interests? how do you know when where and to whom it's safe? does it all come down to surrounding yourself with good and understanding people that you're comfortable around and that accept you completely? writing it out now it looks so simple, like yes of course that's what i'm supposed to do! but how?? i don't know how to read people and on the occasions i have decided to trust someone and it turned out to be a huge mistake it feels really bad to be proven wrong, and being wrong lowers the chances that i'll open up again.

i can't help but fear that i will never be able to truly be myself around other people. in online spaces it's possible to stay anonymous and it's easy to just block and ignore the assholes, but it seems much harder irl. do you perhaps have any tips? since we have some of the same interests and your blog exudes a calm and accepting energy i feel like you would be a good person to ask. i hope it doesn't put you out.

thanks so much and take care! 💜

Hi Anon! 💖

It's not your job to protect people from your personality. I'm sad whenever I see this being taught to people, it's so wrong.

There is an affirmation that's been making the rounds for years that is so true: "You deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable."

A lot of neurodivergent people seem to carry the baggage of neurotypical people's disdain toward, impatience with and disrespect for the differences of others, and to that I say: BS. Their bigotry, ignorance and entitlement are not your problem.

A lot of the standards and expectations around how people 'should' be are a product of dominance culture (aka white supremacy culture). The belief that there is 'one right way' to be - and that the only way to be worthy and acceptable in society is to conform to that 'one right way' - is a core feature of dominance culture. That culture is one of the most destructive forces on the planet, and I urge everyone to root it out and dismantle it wherever they find it.

In fact there are many wonderful ways to be and live, and in a conformist world our choice to love ourselves, be ourselves and pursue self-actualization is a revolutionary act.

Of course we can and should work with others to build bridges across our differences and find ways to ensure that both people's needs get met in our relationships. But it's important that it is a two-way street, and not just a situation where we're doing all the adapting and accommodating and they're reaping all the benefits of being catered to*.

When that happens we end up having our value and self-esteem undermined while theirs is boosted, validated and affirmed. That only exacerbates the power imbalances and further erodes the relationship and our ability to build healthy, trusting connections.

*Contrary to popular belief, neurodivergent people spend their lives and a great deal of energy accommodating neurotypical people - not the other way around. The fairly recent, mostly tokenistic attempts to make spaces and cultures more 'ND-friendly' can't even hold a faint candle to the insane pretzels ND people have had to twist ourselves into for decades trying to 'fit in' and be accepted into a world which still caters almost exclusively to able-bodied, white, straight, cisgender, affluent, educated, neurotypical people.

So, to answer your question - be yourself, and in this way you will find your people.

Authenticity is the only way to build authentic relationships and connections.

If there are people in our lives who don't understand us and who treat our interests and our personalities as 'a problem', that's a problem that both sides need to address. We need to self-examine and make sure we are making space for the other person to express themselves, but they also need to do the same for us.

Balance is found by working together toward a common goal - a genuine connection between two people. Make sure that you both share that goal. Communicate your needs and ask them to share what their needs are as well.

Our needs matter.

Don't let them go unnoticed, unacknowledged and unmet. Not by you or anyone else.

We're all in fandom, we're all familiar with the concept of 'the confession'. This is actually an important concept in all relationships, not just romantic ones. Because in ALL relationships, being yourself is the ultimate act of love.

Just like a love confession, it requires vulnerability, trust and a desire to connect. When we reach out to someone to share some part of who we are inside, we are initiating a connection with that person and giving them the gift of our authentic self.

If they are unable or unwilling to accept that and meet us where we are, then they are probably not the right person for us to connect with, or else they aren't yet ready to connect.

That can be painful and can feel like a form of rejection, but I try to take those things as useful information, and treat my personality as a friend filter. Those who are put off by me aren't the right people for me to try to be close to. I want to surround myself with people who are able to be real with me and accept me and celebrate me for who I am (and vice versa).

Special interests are a big part of that, because they become so central in our lives. If we have people close to us who can't make space for us and our special interests in some way, then we will end up feeling lonely and invisible. That becomes even worse when we are shamed and ridiculed for our interests.

I go back to what I said before - our needs matter. If we work toward having truly reciprocal, equitable relationships where both people's needs are being met, we will be happier overall.

Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication is a great place to start on that project.

Trust is hard. I am naive and trusting to a fault, and I have to lean heavily at times on others who have my best interests in mind, or else I end up being bullied or taken advantage of.

If you're struggling with that, I urge you to find someone you can truly trust (preferably multiple people) - such as a close friend or family member who has proved to truly have your best interests at heart, or if you can't find that, a therapist who understands your needs and vulnerabilities and can be a support and a sounding board - and get their help and advice in situations you're uncertain about.

If you can't find a therapist and you have no close people you trust, there are many online communities and groups where you can find like-minded people to bounce these things off of.

Most importantly, always remember that everything we say, do and think can only ever be a reflection of ourselves, our values, and what's in our hearts and minds. It can never be about anyone else.

If people treat you badly it's not because you're bad, it's because they are.

(or rather, because they're unexamined, unevolved, mean-spirited, in a dark place, self-focused to a fault, etc. etc. but that doesn't make as memorable a sound bite)

Don't let unexamined, unevolved, mean-spirited people, etc., etc. teach you to think or feel badly about yourself. Understand that hurtful criticism is about the other person and their expectations, values and attitudes, not about you.

Exercise healthy boundaries. Understand where the other person ends and where you begin, and refuse to take on things that aren't part of who you are. Ask yourself, "Do I truly agree with what this person is saying?"

Is what the other person claims true, fair, honest, and said in the spirit of compassion and connection, or was it said in a judgmental, self-absorbed (focusing on their needs at the exclusion of your own), punitive way? Are they trying to connect with you or are they trying to control or change you?

We can often have a tendency to hear criticism - particularly from those who we look up to or want to have a connection with - as truth being served to us by someone who sees something in us, when in most cases other people's criticism truly has nothing to do with us. It's about the other person and what they want.

This tendency to gobble up negative messages from others ties in with the nearly universal experience of imposter feelings - the idea that deep down inside we are unworthy, a fraud and an imposter, and it's only a matter of time before others will find us out and condemn us. This is another feature of dominance culture.

People are much more attuned to negative messages than to positive ones because of the deep, secret fear that we are bad. Which is so tragic, because the people who know us best and have our best interests in mind are the loving voices we tend to dismiss, while the mean-spirited messages from hurtful people are taken to heart.

But as I said before, their criticism has less to do with us and much, much more to do with who they are and what they want.

And what they want might not be right for us, so we should be cautious and considered in how we handle it. We need to unpack and examine it, and only take in what feels fair and helpful and can enrich our lives and lead to growth.

I know I say this a lot, but we should never let anyone else tell us who we are. We are the only experts on ourselves. If we are self-examined, honest and personally accountable, and if we are doing our best and acting in good faith, that is all anyone can ask of us.

So as I see it, you are dealing with two separate issues:

The internalized belief that you are 'too much' for neurotypical people to want to be around.

Issues around trust in relationships.

Recognizing these as two separate issues and reflecting on them as such might help a lot.

The first is an issue of self-acceptance. Only by looking at yourself as worthy and valuable and interesting can you go out into the world and take your place in relationships as an equal who has something appropriate to contribute rather than approaching it as though you are a burden.

Only by championing your own needs, traits and beautiful qualities as every bit as valid and important as the needs, traits and qualities of those around you will you find a balance and build relationships where you are appreciated and valued.

The second issue is something that takes time, but building trust means taking risks - there's no way around it.

Don't take other people's disappointing behavior personally. When we test the waters to see if someone is worthy of our trust and they show us they aren't - that's useful information about our incompatibilities with that person. It doesn't say anything about our selves, or about our worth as humans. All it tells us is that we are going to have to look elsewhere to find the right connection.

Long-winded and meandery, but I have a lot of thoughts on these topics because they're issues I've grappled with a lot in my life. I hope any of it is helpful, Anon. And I hope you find ways to be comfortable sharing more of yourself with others who can accept you and celebrate you for who you are.

I talked in more detail about conformity, acceptance and dealing with people who ridicule our interests/fandom here.

I talked more about dealing with issues around autism here.

EDIT: A couple of follow-up posts

About the limitations and barriers some people face with building in-person connections

Further tips and reading on self-esteem

#personal #autism is my botox #ask

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toyaslove · 10 months

Note

Hi there! Tysm for accepting my request last time! (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

May I request Toya with a reader who's really good at English, like the reader gets the highest score in their class and gets the top 5th place in the whole form in each of their exams for all English papers; But in the final exam, one of the reader's classmate has surpassed them in English writing paper, that person scored 2 marks higher than the reader, the reader therefore doesn't score the highest in their class like they did in the previous exams, so the reader feels very distressed about it and blames themself for not doing well enough; How would Toya react and comfort the reader in this situation? (⁠･ั⁠ω⁠･ั)

PS: Seriously, this is my situation rn, I'm still severely mad at myself for this, definitely want some comfort from my fav boy Toya! (⁠눈⁠‸⁠눈⁠)

I'd really appreciate it if you accepted this request! Tysm for reading! Have a wonderful day/afternoon/night! (⁠ﾉ⁠◕ω⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠*✧

A/N: Hello! Sorry bc I took a long time to write this, this happened with you a long time ago, I'm sorryyyy😭😭 I hope you're feeling better now!! (I write this in a history format, I hope you don't mind!)

Toya Aoyagi x !Reader (comfort)

Tw: soft angst, crying, self-depreciation

Well, one week after you did your test, there are the results, in a mural on the wall.

Your face is with disappointment while you see the results. You just lose for 2 marks.

You get out of that place with an angry expression while looking down, avoiding visual contact with everyone. Some people ask you something like "are you ok?" And you just ignored them. You lock yourself in the bathroom, and you start to cry really hard

Some time passed, and you went back to your classroom. The class ended at this point, the bell ringed, and you walked away to your home. Someone touched your shoulder, and you shouted pissed off to that person:

"What do you want?!" You turn to face this person with an angry face... The angry face turned to sad when you saw who this person was. The person was Toya, you almost at the same second asked apologies for him

"Hey... did something happen? All the day you're looking bad... it's because of the results? You're not looking like usual... I'm concerned." He asks with a concerned face, looking at you, after he holds carefully your hand and he kisses your forehead. You don't say anything, but he understands that it's for that reason you're like that

"May I escort you into your home?" He asks with love for you, and you just nod your head in agreement. You know, if you say anything, you probably would start to collapse in tears.

You guys get at your home, and Toya kisses your forehead, and he's in a way back to his home. You interrupt him holding him behind, in tears

"Please... please don't go..." You say while you're sobbing, he's really concerned about you now, so he holds you trying to comfort you

"My love... whatever you want" he says in a calming voice, he gives you a smile

"If you need to talk about what happened, I'm here for you" he says with a loving tone

You broke the hug, and you hold his hand. You bring him to your bedroom and close the door. You sit on your bed, put your two hands in your face, and you start to cry a lot again. Toya is really concerned with you

"Hey... I'm here for you, ok?" He holds you tight, and you do the same, you're supporting your head in his shoulder

"I... I'm so stupid... how can I just... just for two mistakes... I'm so dumb... why... I... I disappointed myself and everyone... I-" You're interrupted by Toya's hand in your mouth, his face is serious and concerned, and he starts to talk

"Don't tell about yourself like this! You're not stupid at all! You're very intelligent, amazing and beautiful! You're the most intelligent person that I know, so... shut your mouth! You're incredible!" He says in a loud tone, but not screaming, he takes his hand of your mouth, and you just hold him tighter, you're crying more than before

"You... you really mean that?" You say almost in a whisper, and he just keeps quiet for a few seconds, after he says:

"I mean it. I love you, you know? I don't have any reason to lie for you." He pushes away you guys's hug, he hold your cheek, and he presses a soft peck in your lips

"I'm concerned about you... I hate seeing you like this... look, you may not be in the first place, but when you have another test, I'm sure that you can get it!" He says in a sincere and loving tone for you. He's smiling at you

You stop a to crying a little, you smile at him in the same way, you kiss his cheek after it

"Thank you... for being here for me" you say it in a happy tone, and you hold him again. This time, you just close your eyes and just rest, he's caressing your hair in the most gentle way possible.

A/N: I hope you like it! Sorry for taking too long to write this

#project sekai #project sekai colorful stage #project sekai x reader #toya aoyagi #toya aoyagi x reader #aoyagi touya x reader #aoyagi toya #aoyagi toya x reader #touya aoyagi x reader

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sonosvegliato · 8 months

Note

sorry im the same anon im gonna keep sending you asks bc the way you respond is fascinating i love it. what’s something ur looking forward to wrt scenes you’ve written/have yet to write & Also please tell me about your original work p.s this is probably strange but you’ve encouraged me to continue my calisthenic training <3

Go do those calisthenics, man. If you ever decide to do martial arts, bodyweight training is recommended over weight training because if you are ooga-booga circus strongman, the lil guys will DESTROY YOU in BJJ because you might be able to hold someone down but the LIL GUYS WILL SLITHER THEIR WAY OUT and you'll never see 'em comin'. Pro (I am not a pro but a pro told me this) tip.

Also, thank you so much for the asks! And for enjoying my responses?? I literally don't do much social media and only have a tumblr so I can find those sweet sweet fic rec lists when I need something to read, so this is sort of a new experience. I feel like I am in the big leagues 😤

I will reveal nothing about the last installment of To an Athlete Dying Young until I finish it, but I did write about corpses while a coffeeshop with a very young child behind me and I got worried I'd traumatize him...even though he definitely wasn't of independent reading age. That scene was supposed to end up in and hold the low lintel up, but didn't end up getting worked in. I think it's a great scene, action and art wise, and I felt really smart writing it, but don't know if it'll end up in this last part. I'll post it and any other "killed darlings" once I know I'm finished with the work, like I did with some other scenes in and hold the low lintel up.

As for my original work...I want to write something that people get excited about the same way we do for fanfic. I know original work and fanfic are two vastly different spheres since in fanfic we're already attached to characters or an already built world, but I miss being enthralled in a good old-fashioned book. I don't read so much sci-fi and fantasy anymore because I feel like I've already read the same thing 10 billion times or it's too overwhelming. So I write (near future) sci-fi and (historical) fantasy that's mostly just a private playground for myself. I have a thing for reporters that get themselves tangled in political intrigue :/

I will say that an early Batman fanfic I started but never finished, Tournament of Lies (Slam Fight, Bright Light), never got finished because the vague idea I had for it unconsciously turned into an original work. Historical fantasy with mystery elements 👉👉

So turning the tables, ask for you and whoever else sees this, got any good mystery fanfic/book-book recs?? Or anything with spectacular world building or that you think is fresh in general? Because I am on the lookout.

#another very kind hawyee #batman fanfiction

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