#i would literally rather die than spend the rest of my life here like my parents want me to <3 live laugh love etc | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fatuismooches · 2 years

Note

Hello

I just saw your post with the fragile SO and honestly I loved it sooo much ❤️

Now I wanted to request kinda of a follow up. Like what if before you died you wrote them a letter, saying how much you love them and how they made your last days on earth so memorable and stuff like that. And they found it, like maybe a month or so after your death. How would they all react? (I'm specially curious of Capitano because you said you thought he would think that he killed you 😭)

I really love your writing and I plan to make more request in the future 👋

-🦎

♡𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐛𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐅𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐥𝐞/𝐖𝐞𝐚𝐤 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫, 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐃𝐢𝐞𝐝 ♡

synopsis: The Harbingers are made of steel, unflinching in any possible situation. But it seems that even such strong beings falter in the face of their lover's death, especially after they find a letter you left behind. Can be read as a part 2 to this.

includes: all harbingers (platonic pulcinella) w/ gn! reader

notes: Hop on the angst train, everyone. This is the first completely angsty thing I've written, and probably one of my favorites + longest pieces. I hope you enjoy this sadness, anon...!

Pierro:

Pierro carried on. He went about his day, filing paperwork, assigning duties to new recruits. What could he do? There was no time to mourn. The entire Fatui depended on his guidance and orders. He couldn’t just drop everything to fully devote himself to grieving you. But everyone knew - in any spare moment he had, he was thinking about you. Thinking about how he used to be able to go home to you waiting for him. Thinking about the walks he took with you that were heartwarming despite the body-chilling temperature. Thinking about when you were alive.

It was another day when one of your maids came to him with a piece of paper. Of course, she was terrified at being in the presence of the Harbinger, but she presented a folded piece of paper to him, stating that she had found it while cleaning your room. Pierro hadn’t been in there for a while. He was consciously trying his best to avoid it, choosing to pick up work instead. He nodded and the maid quickly scurried out of the room. It was most likely a final memento from you. He should honor that, he thought as he took off his mask.

Dear Pierro,

Hello there, my love. I hope your day wasn’t too tiring. I know how you’re always swamped with your Fatui business and such. You’re the head Harbinger, you know! You should definitely abuse your power to get some more days off. You didn’t hear that from me though, not like I wanna keep you to myself or anything. Totally not because I’m dying to spend some more time with you before I quite literally die.

You know, sometimes I wish I was a Fatui soldier just so that I could admire you from afar some more. Those recruits are damn lucky, getting to see you more than I do. I don’t mean to complain though. I’m still tremendously grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying the best moments of my life with you. Yeah, even when I made jokes you still had that stoic look on your face but it was still hilarious. I loved when you would wrap me in your coat and tell me stories about Khaenri’ah. Even when you weren’t here, I loved when these random recruits would be scurrying to my room every so often to deliver your handwritten notes.

Truly, there’s no life I’d rather live than this one… minus the illness part though. I am sorry to make you shoulder another death, my dear, but I love you greatly. I will always be with you.

Quietly, Pierro put the paper down and rubbed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. Ever since the fall of his nation, his heart had long gone numb. He had tried to ignore the prickling of his heart after your death, but your letter was really rubbing it on. When was the last time mere words could stir up such emotion in him? He didn’t know. But he promised you, this would not be your final resting place. Pierro knew, after fulfilling the Tsaritsa’s promise, he would see you again.

Capitano:

Capitano wasn’t very photogenic. After all, all you saw was a helmet shrouding his face in darkness along with his pitch-black armor and clothes. But you had insisted on taking a variety of pictures with him, claiming that it kept you happy. It wasn’t until later on when he stumbled across a scrapbook, with pages covered in photos of the two of you together, that he understood why. Since then, he let you do as you please. The doctors said it was good for you to keep occupied by doing things you liked. And well, it was rather cute, with all the decorations and fancy tape you added. Capitano often found himself looking at it to see what you added when you weren’t around.

But ever since your death, he hadn’t looked at it since. If he did, he didn’t think he’d be able to control the emotions boiling up inside of him. If he looked at your smiling face again, the pain and regret would be too much to bear. But as the days passed by and he continued to think about you, he couldn’t help but flip open the scrapbook, revisiting the memories he made with you so long ago. He flipped until he found a envelope in the middle, causing him to perk up. It had been sealed perfectly, even stamped with one of his seals. Now, Capitano didn’t want to invade your privacy, but what was inside called to him too much, and he very carefully unsealed it with a knife. Inside was a piece of parchment, similar to the ones he used to send you letters.

My knight,

I’m writing this after you just left for an expedition. You’ve just fed me breakfast (a/d fa//ed, but it’s f/ne b/ca/se it w/s c/te.) (The ending part of the sentence has been erased, but it’s still a bit readable.) We took an early bath together, and you helped me choose a nice outfit for today. You dutifully assisted me with my medicine and tucked me back into bed for some rest. Lastly, you’ve just tenderly kissed me with all the love in the world, my favorite part of course.

It’s too bad that I won’t be able to receive any more of your kisses soon. I think the sickness is really catching up to me, haha. (There are some doodles of the two of you randomly drawn in the middle of the paper, with lots of hearts and stars and rainbows. Maybe you stopped because you didn’t know how to continue.) To be honest, I’ve asked the doctors not to tell you, and somehow, they’ve listened to me. I just don’t want you to worry about me. Somehow, for someone as menacingly looking as you, you worry a lot more than I thought (no offense, though.)

I don’t want you to blame yourself for anything, my love. You genuinely made my life so, so much better. Even towards the end, I can only feel happiness that I was able to share some of my life with someone so incredible. You aren’t a monster. You’re the man I love dearly, the one who many people look up to all the time. You did everything and more, which really warms my heart.

I’m saying this because I know how you are and I need to knock some sense into you before you start getting any crazy ideas. Please don’t beat yourself up. If I could choose my destiny, I’d rather choose to be sick and be with you rather than being healthy. I’d choose you again and again, over and over, my dear. I love you, truly.

Carefully folding the letter, he tucked it into the envelope again and resealed it. He snugly placed it back into the scrapbook and closed it, placing it back into the drawer where he usually kept it. Capitano was used to the grief and destruction that war brought. But he wasn’t used to it when love brought these feelings upon him. His heart still hurt - terribly so - but… your letter seems to have brought him some peace. You would forever be in his heart.

Columbina:

It had been a while since your death. By now, everyone had become accustomed to hearing her songs every day. It was a constant reminder of your passing. Oftentimes, Columbina had begun to stay in your room longer than her own. You were gone, but something about your space soothed her soul a bit from all the grief she was going through. And she also liked to go through your stuff and remember different things about you.

There was a box that contained a compilation of the many songs and poems she gifted you, along with some that you created yourself with her help. Sometimes, she liked to go through the box and think about you, but she never had the time to inspect every piece. Until now, when she noticed that there was an unfamiliar piece of paper that she didn’t recognize. Columbina picked it up and began to read.

My lovely melody,

Lately, I’ve begun to sing more. I think you’ve inspired me. I hope you don’t mind me stealing that one song you like to hum the most. The only problem is that I don’t have enough stamina to sing for that long, and I think my voice is kind of off-key. But I promise I’m working on it! I’m not going to tell you yet because I want to surprise you with something nice, as a thank you for taking care of me for so long.

Actually, there’s another problem, and it’s that… (it seems that you wrote a lot of words here and then scratched them out; perhaps you were unsure how to word it) Well, I guess I don’t really know if I’ll live long enough to perform for you. It’s been kind of tough lately. But I’m going to persevere for you. Your poems have been helping a lot. We should make a book of them one day. And um, in the case that I don’t make it, I would like you to know how happy you made me.

I always got so giddy when I heard you humming down the hallway. Nothing felt better than when you would croon to me and massage my scalp and play with my hair. You are so comforting and sweet, and just - lots of things that would be too much to write. I always feel eternally fortunate that I was able to have a lover as amazing as you. You really did change my life. I love you very much, Columbina. Please don’t forget me.

Columbina’s usual smile had turned into a downward curve. Oh, how she wished she could hear you sing. Your usual voice and laugh had already been angelic to her, she knew your songs would be beautiful too. But you were no longer here. She would have really loved to hear your song. You would have been the best duet partner. But perhaps, you could hear her songs from the other world as she laid on your coffin once again.

Dottore:

Dottore hadn’t entered your room since your death. He was far too busy with his research and experimentation with resurrection. Mourn you? No, no, you weren’t going to be dead for long, after he finds the answer. You would be back in his arms soon enough. Both of you would be fine. That was, until no matter how hard he researched, he always seemed to hit a dead end. It was frustrating. He couldn’t believe it, but he was at the point where he willingly needed a couple of minutes to rest. Dottore headed to his room, but as he placed his hand on the doorknob, something stopped him and he looked over to the room next to his, yours. He silently walked over and opened your room, having not been in it for a while. The only reason you didn’t share a room was that his was very… bland, boring, not very comfortable, and not spacious enough for the medical equipment.

It was the same as he had left it, not bothering to change anything. You liked to decorate it, and he let you. Framed photos of the two of you were on the dresser, lights hung up around the room. It seemed to make you happy. But there was something he had not noticed before - a slip of paper sticking out from under the pillow. Dottore walked over and took off his mask - something he unconsciously tended to do when it was just the two of you - and opened the folded paper.

To Zandik,

I remember when you first took interest in me, looking at me up and down with your mask on, a wide smirk on your face. I knew my parents said they hired someone intelligent to cure me, but I sure didn’t expect it to be the second Harbinger. I think you already know this, but when I saw you, I was kinda scared for my life. And I was for a while, especially when you made me drink the most hellish concoctions and injected strange things into me. But long story short, I still fell in love with you somehow. Even though you were probably trying so hard just because you wanted to solve the mystery of my illness, I couldn’t help but think you were quite handsome when you focused on something so intensely. Your pointy teeth were the cutest. (The previous sentence has been erased but Dottore could still make it out. You were an idiot, he thinks.)

I don’t mean to insult your intelligence or skill… but I don’t think I’m going to make it, Dottore. I know you’ve been trying really, really hard (I was there the whole time, after all) to help cure me, but I think you know better than me about my condition. So yeah. I guess this is my goodbye… my parting letter.

I know you don’t care about anyone or anything really, but I hope you accept it when I say I genuinely enjoyed our time together. Yea, you were hella terrifying and a lot of scary stories drifted about you, but there was a lot of maniacal laughter and you rambling on about things I had no clue about, but I would always happily listen to you, Zandik. I would write more, but I don’t think you’re one for sappy words and stuff like that. So I’ll leave end it here. I love you very much.

His mouth was a straight thin line at the end of your letter. Dottore put his mask back on and tucked your letter into his coat. For once, he couldn’t blame someone for insulting his intelligence. He did fail, after all. But Dottore was no stranger to failure. Experimentation was a series of trials and errors, failures and successes. He swore to himself that you would not be a failure. Perhaps his journey to Sumeru, the land of wisdom, would grant him some more insight for your resurrection.

Pulcinella:

It was just after your funeral. Surprisingly, all the Harbingers had gathered too. It seemed like they had grown somewhat fond of you after Pulcinella introduced you to them, at least enough to attend your funeral. Pulcinella was grateful. He had spoken a few words in memory of you. He couldn’t keep everyone for long. They had other matters to attend to. But in his heart, he had a lot of dear words for you.

Pulcinella sat down at his desk, deciding to do some paperwork to distract his mind. He pulled out the drawer to retrieve some items but he noticed a piece of paper stuffed to the back of it. He certainly had not put that there. He reached for it and opened it to read the contents.

Hey Papanella,

Do you like that nickname I came up with? I haven’t said it to you yet because I’m not sure how you’ll react. But I think it’s pretty cute. I haven’t said this out loud yet either but… um, I guess you’re like my dad to me. My own parents never cared much for me after my illness proved to be too much work, but you always treated me so kindly. So yeah. Thanks for being a father figure to me. Archons, this is kind of embarrassing.

I’m admitting this because I don’t know how much longer I have. I know you’re always encouraging me to keep living on, and I really do appreciate it. I’m sincerely trying my best, but I think my sickness has been getting worse. Ah, and thanks for introducing me to the Harbingers. They’re pretty scary but they’re kind of cool when you get to know them. Some of them are cute too. Please don’t tell them I said that. But really, for the longest time, I thought my life would amount to nothing, and that no one would remember me. But you proved me wrong. I truly enjoyed spending the last of my days doing old people stuff with you (just kidding of course!)

I’m going to ask you to tell me lots of more stories when I see you again. They really make my day. I like the ones about you in your youth the best. They’re the funniest. Anyway, I love you, gramps. Don’t miss me too much.

Pulcinella was old. He had seen things be built and broken down, people come and go. But he always hated it the most when he had to see youngsters go before he did. Especially innocent ones who had done nothing wrong. He just prayed, that whichever world you were in now, treated you better than this one did.

Scaramouche:

Ever since your death, the soldiers had been on the receiving end of Scaramouche’s insults even more. No longer were you here to hastily save them from his berating, much to their dismay. They actually appreciated you for stopping Scaramouche from giving them another verbal (and sometimes even physical) beating. But now if he wasn’t yelling at someone, he was deathly silent, which was why even scarier than his words. Everyone knew they were forbidden from speaking about you in his presence.

When Scaramouche had to visit Inazuma for whatever reason, he always found himself walking towards your house. Once he had came across the Tenryou Commission moving your items out of your house, due to no one living there anymore and the want for someone else to buy it. Needless to say, he swiftly dealt with them and sent them on their way with rage. They had tried a few more times and he did not hold back, until later they stopped coming, apparently after the head shrine maiden gave an order on the behalf of the Shogun to leave the residence alone. Hmph.

He doesn’t know why he keeps coming here, the only thing that’s different is the new collection of dust on the dresser. But the want to see you again keeps calling him, only to leave Scaramouche sorely disappointed. He thinks he knows every nook and cranny of your house, that is until he walks on a floorboard that caves in and nearly makes him fall. He’s about to lose his temper until he sees a piece of paper hidden under the floor. The words die in his throat as he picks it up to inspect.

To my beloved Kunikuzushi,

As I write this, you’re probably yelling at some unfortunate Fatui soul and they’re all trembling in their boots. Haha, I wish I was there to see that. You should be nicer, you know. But it is kinda funny to see you mad. I hope you come back soon… it’s getting too quiet around here without your quips and remarks.

But I know as you read this, I’m no longer alive. Kuni, I… (There are wrinkled spots around this area, presumably from your tears.)

I love you, and I don’t want rage and hatred to consume you again. I’m sorry to make your heart bear such pain again. It may be fruitless to say this, but please don’t blame yourself… it was out of our control. Please know I enjoyed every moment with you, whether you were cursing at some guy who bumped into me, even when you teased me relentlessly, or silently crying in my arms about your fate. But my favorite part was your soft smiles which grew more frequent. You are loved very much by me too. I want to see you smile more, many more times before I- (The rest of the sentence was scribbled over with a pen, making it unreadable.)

I wish I didn’t have to depart so soon… I wish I was born someone else, someone more strong and healthier… if I was, would our story be different, Kuni? Perhaps we’ll meet again one day… hopefully, sooner rather than later, and maybe I won’t be the same as I am now, but…

Will you wait for me, Kunikuzushi?

Scaramouche hated when he cried. He felt weak, stupid, and disgusting, especially when you were there. And somehow, he couldn’t help but feel worse than that when he finished reading your letter. He was never favored by the Gods, having been betrayed by one already. It seemed as though he was always fated to be betrayed by people he cared about. But he knew deep down that you didn’t betray him, he did instead by not being able to protect and save you. In an effort to bury his despair, anger, and grief, he would wipe himself clean of foolish human emotions, ready to ascend to godhood with his creator’s Gnosis…

Arlecchino:

Arlecchino’s days had been exactly the same ever since your death. They were the same as before she had met you too. Bland. Boring. Dull. It was after your passing that she truly realized how much your presence had added some thrill and color into her life. Now they were empty. But she was used to that. She had felt that way for a long time.

Arlecchino didn’t do much in her room besides sleep. Her room wasn’t anything special, just the standard and rich master bedroom. That was, until you took it upon yourself to decorate it. She hadn’t bothered to change it despite the style being very much different from hers. Today she had come in briefly to retrieve some documents under her bed. But, there was a random piece of paper there, collected dust on top of it, most likely from being placed there a long time ago. Arlecchino opened the folded paper and was greeted with your handwriting.

To my sunshine,

I bet you’re wondering why the hell I chose “sunshine” of all names. Even I can admit that you are nothing like sunshine. But I wanted to spice things up a bit, and to be honest, you bring a lot of sunshine into my heart and dreary little life, despite your stone-cold face. So yeah! I don’t think I can call you that to your face though. It’d be too scary.

I didn’t tell you, but I’ve had some people ask me why I chose to stay with you despite my health being what it is. My answer is always very easy - I love you, Arlecchino. Plain and simple. They don’t know how you are with me (which I’m kinda glad for… I want to keep this side of you to myself; yes, I know I’m greedy.) The way your lips quirk up for a split second then always turn downwards because you don’t want anyone to see. The way your eyes soften for a bit when I tell a corny joke. Or when I do anything actually. Your facial expressions are pretty cute.

Ahem, moving on from that, I guess you can say that I’m not too scared to say these things because I might be leaving you soon. Not of my free will, of course. Rather, it seems like the time my illness is allowing me to live is limited. Hopefully, you don’t notice anything off about me. I don’t think I could explain all of this in person…

But I am really thankful to you for sticking by my side for so long. Even though you don’t tell me, I know sometimes you lament about your lack of ability to be verbally and affectionately comforting. But I hope you know that I don’t really care about that. You are more than enough for me. You’ve done a lot more than you think. I’m forever appreciative, my dear.

Arlecchino was left speechless, the usual bite in her throat died down. As someone who had few kind words to say to others, having such sweetness directed at her was not something she was used to. But of course, a part of her wasn’t surprised, because the only person who’d utter such things was you. It pained her, and even the children who cried after your death, greatly. But whenever she needed a reminder of you, she would uncharacteristically gently trace her fingertips over the words of your letter.

La Signora:

Everyone knew to stay out of La Signora’s way after your death. She was cruel before, but your passing seemed to reignite all the flames of anguish and hatred she harbored deep inside her broken heart. Once again, her walls had been put up to be unbreakable.

Rosalyne had gifted you a lot of makeup and accessories. She liked to experiment on you and liked it when you tried it yourself too. You had kept everything in a nice big box so nothing would get lost. One day she felt drawn to it again. She knew she was missing you dearly again, and although opening it would just cause her heartache, she couldn’t help but pry it open to see how you kept it. But on top was a hastily folded letter, stained a bit by the surrounding makeup, tucked into a small compartment. She flipped it open and began to scan the contents.

My dearest Rosalyne,

Hello there, pretty lady. You know, that’s the first thing I thought when I saw you. Tall pretty lady. Did you know that? Now you do. Anyway, I was wondering - how many of your flame moths can you create at a time?? Can you make them form a heart or something?

Haha, I’m sorry for beating around the bush. The truth is I don’t know how much longer I have left. No matter how much warmth your moths provide me, for some reason, I always feel the chill of death creeping up my spine…

I don’t mean to be your second heartbreak. I’m really sorry… you deserve so much better than that. But for what it’s worth, you made my life a lot better than it was before. I hadn’t had much confidence in myself because of my illness for a long time. But you, Rosalyne… you made me feel like an actual person, as strange as that sounds. I feel like, when I’m with you, you make me feel so loved and special. I’m far from it but I actually feel like royalty. And royalty is really a life worth living. I don’t even know how you did it, but thank you. My life is so, so much happier thanks to you.

Hopefully, I make it a lot longer after I’m writing this letter. Maybe the Gods could finally take pity on me and give me some kind of blessing so I can stay with you longer. But if anything happens, I really, truly love you, Rosalyne. (The end of the letter has an origami moth colored in and taped to it.)

Signora’s hand trembled as she finished your letter. Her heart had returned to being ice, but it felt like her whole body was being swallowed up in red-hot grief and anger. Signora would dedicate herself solely to the Tsaritsa’s noble dream. It was the only thing she could do now, with nothing else to do and no one left for her freezing heart to love. No one could ever hope to understand the grief and pain she’s been through. Perhaps, that was why when she stood in front of the Raiden Shogun’s sword, she did not feel much regret.

Pantalone:

Whenever Pantalone went out, he often found himself looking through the windows of many stores to view their products. It was almost an instinct to pull out a large sum of Mora to buy anything he thought you’d like. And he still did this, only that he stopped halfway every time when he remembered that you were no longer with him. And his heart felt painfully heavy once again, like how heavy his smile felt with the pressure to keep it up.

The silence of his office had become a norm once again, your joyful presence no longer around to brighten it up. Pantalone opted to drown himself in paperwork to ignore it. Actually, he never realized how much the tick of the grandfather clock bothered him until now. Usually, your voice was loud enough to hide it. He sighed and reached for the bottom drawer to get some new pens to sign the documents. But his eyes widened as he saw a paper clearly laid out there, addressed to him at the top. His heart beat quickened as he carefully picked it up and realized it was from you. It seemed like you had experimented with some fancy calligraphy pens he had gotten you a while ago. And you had also stolen every stamp you had from him and stamped all over the paper.

Darling,

Hello, my love. Sorry for all the random stamps. I wanted to see what they looked like. Why does the Fatui need so many different-shaped stamps? You should make one of us, actually. And do you see I’ve been practicing my cursive script? (Indeed, on the back on the paper, your name has been signed in different styles.) I’ve been trying to do my signature all fancy like you. Hopefully, I’m improving.

I am thinking to make you read me a bedtime story tonight. I found a new one that seemed pretty cute. It’s a commoner falling in love with a nobleman… a tale of forbidden romance. It seems to go fine, until the commoner s/cc/mbs to (It seems that you scratched off the rest of the sentence.) Actually, I won’t spoil the ending for you. But by the time you read this letter, we may have finished it already. I’m just going to abuse that pretty voice of yours as much as I can (kidding of course… but no joke. Have you tried some kind of service where you just read things to people? I think you’d make a lot of money from that. I sure would give all my life savings to you.)

I guess since I’m writing this, I should say another thing I’m thinking about. I’m not sure how much longer I can hang on. I’m trying my best because I don’t want to let you down. I know you’ve been trying your best, with all these fancy doctors and equipment, but um… yeah. But I should also say that I’m not regretful having spent my time with you. You made the last days of my life so relaxing, so stress-free, so… nice. I’m glad I don’t need to worry about anything with you. Let’s move on from this, actually.

I’m thinking of a lot of things, actually. I wonder what you made the chef prepare for us tonight. Mhm… I’m getting hungry. Will you feed me dessert again too? Hah, I’m going to miss thinking about such mundane things. Hmm, I think I can hear your voice down the hall, so I’ll wrap this up. I love you.

Pantalone gazed at your words forlornly, his mouth formed into a downwards line. He had never thought the loss of something besides Mora could squeeze his heart so painfully, but here you were, making his eyes sting once again. Blinking back any tears, he made sure to store your letter in a safe place. He made a note to visit your grave today. He’d bring your favorite snack too, and read you a story perhaps.

Sandrone:

It was almost ironic - the puppet master had become a puppet herself. She didn’t speak much to others anymore, choosing to lock herself up in her lab. A part of her debated making some kind of robot or doll replica of you. But it would never be the same. She wouldn’t feel your warmth, or your natural, free laugh. Nothing would be similar.

Sandrone had begun inspections on all of her created robots. It was a grueling process she had gotten used to, but she missed the chirping of your voice as she did so. She worked in silence, opening the compartment of one of them when she was caught off guard by a formerly white paper, caked in dust, inside. The only person who had access to her Automatons was you. So could it possibly be…?

My forever,

I’m actually writing this in the same room as you. You're too preoccupied with your robot building and engineering and all that stuff, so you don’t notice me rushing to write all of this. I’ll make this quick. Actually, it’s hard to concentrate when you look so pretty and intelligent. Ahh, I’m so lucky to have you with me.

I think you’re repairing one of your robots so it can lift us up and take us on a walk. I’m excited. Those are always so much fun. I know you aren’t a sappy person. But I want to make my feelings clear, since I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to watch you unscrew some bolts and hammer down the nails. I don’t need to say it outright, do I? We both know I’ve been getting worse. Neither of us wants to say it out loud, but it’s reality.

Before I go, let me make it clear, since I know you like being blunt. You are my everything. Seeing your cute little robots send me these cute little messages really made my day. I think you told me a long time ago that you didn’t care much about human emotions. I think that’s changed now. I love waking up to see that calm and content expression on your face and watching it become a bit more softer when you see me. You’re more human than you think, you know. Some people think that being cooped up in a lab with a Harbinger is not an ideal way to live. But I beg to differ. I would choose no other way to live as long as I’m with you, Sandrone.

I think you’re finished with your tinkering. I’m going to have one of the robots hide this paper in them. I think some of them like me better than you >:) I wonder how long it’ll be until you find it. Hopefully, you don’t find it too quickly because it’ll be awkward to explain this to you. Either way… I love you dearly, Sandrone.

Sandrone gently brushed off the dust on your letter. She wished she found it sooner. She didn’t know whether it was good or bad her heart was finally feeling some emotion again, but she was grateful to have some final parting words from you. Sandrone had a bubble of inspiration float up in her. She had a good idea of what she was going to build next.

Childe:

Childe had found it after he was cleaning out your apartment in Liyue. He wanted to bring all of your stuff to his home in Snezhnaya. No matter how much he tried, he couldn’t throw any of your items away, even the random useless trinkets. Childe’s chest felt hollow as he opened the door to your residence. He expected to see your face brighten and eagerly pull yourself out of bed to hug him. He’d easily lift you off the floor and spin you around, drinking in your gleeful giggles as he pressed his lips to yours. But now it was just the creak of the floorboards as he walked in.

Childe had a memory connected to every piece of clothing that you had. That one he gifted to you for your birthday. Another he remembered twirling you around in on a picnic. One of his sweaters that he doesn't remember you stealing from him, mingled with your scent and his. Archons, his chest hurt so badly, but there was nothing he could do as he neatly placed your items in boxes, emptiness consuming him. He was finishing up the packing when a piece of paper folded in half fell out of one of your pants’ pockets. Childe picked it up and his eyes widened when he recognized your handwriting and his real name. Sitting down on your bed, he began to read.

To my one and only Ajax,

My greatest wish is that you’ll never find and read this letter because it means that we’re living our best lives. We’re happy, content, still deeply in love with each other… living in bliss.

But if you’re reading this, then we probably didn’t go and do all of the cool and exciting things you wanted us to. I didn’t move to Sneznhnaya and I didn’t meet the rest of your family. We didn’t go travel to all the nations like you wanted to…

Heh, that’s too bad. I was really looking forward to seeing the same sights you saw on your travels. The pretty bloom of Inazuma’s sakura trees, the beautiful snow-covered streets of Snezhnaya. Remember that time you asked me if I wanted to conquer the world with you? Of course, since I can’t ever say no to you, I accepted your proposition. But in my head, I couldn’t help but think that you should probably choose someone who can match your ability and someone who is act/a/ly g/i/g to b/ ali/e. (The previous words have been haphazardly erased, making it hard to make out.)

You know I… (The ink here has bled through the paper, most likely due to you stopping there for a good while.) I don’t even know what to say, I’m just sorry. I don’t wanna leave you, I wanna be by your side forever, wanna be attacked by your cuddles every day. But the only thing I can do now is to make sure you understand that I’m truly grateful for you. No one else has ever cared about me as much as you did. You never stopped believing in me and always smiled when I needed you. You made my feeble life worth living.

Please don’t be sad. Teucer and the rest of your siblings need you. I love you so very much…

He didn’t realize how hard he was digging his fingernails into his skin until he started bleeding through the paper. Childe had been through endless battles, and fought countless enemies, but no wound had ever burned as badly as his heart did right now. Even in the Abyss, he did not feel as bottomless of despair as he felt right now. He wanted to hold you again too, Childe thought. He wanted to kiss you all over and show you how much he loved you. But you were gone, and the letter just solidified it more. He laid down on your bed, hand covering his forehead as he stared blankly at your ceiling. Biting down on his lip hard, he tried to prevent tears from flowing again. He would just go back to being the Tsarista’s weapon again, drowning himself in battle and blood just to feel something after your death.

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brooooswriting · 4 months

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can you do 6 for tara x fem reader :)

6. “I don’t want to think about what life would be like without you”

Tara jolted up again in the middle of night, the threat she and her sister got two days ago making her nightmares reappear. You were already awake, unable to sleep at the thought of something or other someone hurting your girlfriend. “Hey, it’s alright. It’s okay, you’re safe. Nobody is here” you mumbled as you engulfed her in a hug, you had left the bedroom door open so you could see the front door and you had checked each window and each room before going to bed. Plus Mindy, Chad and Anika slept in the living room.

“Why are you even awake?” The brunette asked once she calmed down and noticed the open book on your lap and the small lamp glowing. She was still leaning against you, not making any move to leave your warm and comforting embrace.

“Oh you know, can’t sleep every once in a while” you lied with a rather believing smile but thinking you could fool her was stupid. You had always lied easily and people fell for it, until Tara came along. First of all, you found it incredibly hard to lie to her and second of all, she always saw through you. Her raised eyebrow made you press your lips into a thin line before speaking up again.

“Okay, I wanted to be able to look out for you. You know, make sure nobody enters and stuff” you admitted in a small voice while Tara sighed.

“I’ve been thinking…” she started, suddenly scooting away from you. This was the first bad sign, normally the smaller girl wouldn’t turn down cuddles for anything. “We should break up. This is dangerous and I don’t want you involved” she blurted out, pulling her knees up to her chest. Your heart broke at her words and at the way she looked so miserable. For a second you were scared that she really didn’t want you around anymore and that this was just the best opportunity she had at pushing you away, but the tears forming in her eyes quickly changed your mind.

“No” was the only thing you said, as you laid back down on the bed pulling the blanket up to your chest.

“No?” She questioned, confusion showing in every feature. If the situation wasn’t so bad you would have laughed.

“No. I’m not going to let you go through this alone again. This time I’m here and you can’t stop me” you told her, keeping your voice very nonchalant. Your arms opened for her to crawl into since you hoped that she would just drop the whole topic and go back to sleep. If someone really wanted to hurt them than they needed all of their energy.

“Why?”

“What why?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I love you and before I met you I was an asshole, I lied and I did a lot of stupid shit but then you came and suddenly my image of a perfect Saturday night changed from parties and hookups to watching horror movies with you and cuddling while ordering take out. I finally found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And truth be told I don’t want to think about what life would be like without you” even though cheese shit like that wasn’t really your thing this had to be said. There was no way you were loosing this girl if there was any, literally any way to stop this.

Tara quickly wiped away the tears that left her eyes and threw herself into your arms that were more than happy to engulf her. “If you die, I’m going to kill you and them” she said against your chest making you giggle as your hand weaved through her hair.

“That’s my girl” you said proudly and pressed a kiss to her hair. After some reassurance she finally fell asleep, soft breaths hitting your neck. You still didn’t really sleep that night, you were going to protect your girl and her family with every bit that you had. Even if it might mean that you weren’t going to survive.

A girl like Tara was worth it!

#reader insert #brooooswriting #jenna ortega x reader #jenna ortega x you #tara carpenter x you #tara carpenter x y/n #tara carpenter x reader

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dekusleftsock · 1 year

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Did anyone see this? I feel like it’s a small detail in the pile of evidence for Izuku’s “control your heart” thing going on.

Hell, even Bakugou Katsuki Rising is referenced in the same chapter.

(Side note: me and my friend ended up spending 20 minutes identifying that flower, ty @the-real-loverboy for being my favorite flower nerd—regardless it’s called the Paris Japonica, a rare flower native to Japan that has the largest genome to our knowledge. Only problem? I can’t find any symbolism on this flower, and every source is written by white people in the west on how to care for the flower so. If anyone knows literally anything important about this flower, I’m very very interested. I know that it can bloom in the early winter and is more tolerable to colder climates, so maybe it’s a reference to rei/the general himura family? Who knows)

Going back to the original thought, I think the line “I wonder what changes we’ll witness… come tomorrow” has been kind of disregarded. And, as the newest spoilers have shown, the entire todoroki family is undergoing this evolution of the heart ALONGSIDE their own personal quirks.

Now, what does that have to do with bkdk and Izuku specifically? We have ofc, the plot line of Izuku not being able to control his heart for Katsuki, but what makes this situation unique is one for all itself.

Ofa, as I understand it, is a quirk closely related to romance. It’s surrounded all of Izuku’s emotions and close relationships, along with Nana’s signature line describing ofa as romantic. And, if we’re talking about near death experiences making these hidden parts of their quirks pop out unintentionally, then that would explain why Katsuki has a connection to ofa. From the ofa stars DURING Bakugou Katsuki Rising, to being able to meet and then talk to the Allmight vestige.

So, uncontrolled emotions, rejection of vulnerability, creates an intimate connection to anyone that Izuku the character, cares about.

On top of all of this, all of Izuku’s inner quirk stuff is so closely tied to his heart, that he doesn’t even need to be in life or death situations—it just has to feel like it. Anger so palpable, he literally unlocks blackwhip. Fear of his friends and fellow heroes demise so strong he unlocks float. And the list goes on and on, with him unlocking most of his quirks during his lowest low, his depressive episode.

Izuku doesn’t have to be dying like Touya does to lose control, he just has to vaguely feel like it.

And of the characters I feel have not evolved their hearts as much as their quirks, Katsuki and Izuku I feel will be the most passionate.

But I digress, here’s the people I believe will have this inner life or death quirk “awakening” because of their hearts: Toga, Ochako, Deku, Katsuki, Shigaraki, and the entire Todoroki family.

Now, controlling your heart and near death experiences, lets see—why are these two ideas so closely tied to each other? What makes them inherently unique in comparison to each other?

Or rather, a better question, what connects them?

I’d argue it’s acceptance. Pain could be another argument sure, but I feel like it’s way more common to just accept that your dying when you’re almost dead, than to actually register the pain from it.

And acceptance of the heart often comes hand in hand with those experiences—Endeavor knows he will die with Touya and he has accepted the fact that he was never enough for him as a father, but that if he can bring him to the sky, it will be okay because he can die with his son as penitence for his wrongdoings, while keeping the rest of his family okay. Probably better off without him because of his actions.

And Katsuki, during his death, has accepted his fate. But while doing so, he has also accepted that he won’t catch up to Izuku, that he truly has been a dorky fan of Allmight, that he can die loving him. (Love doesn’t have to mean romantic in this example, like yes I do believe they will be canon, but love is a loose term here because of what his death truly meant) Because that death meant accepting his care and his admiration of Izuku, that he’s always been looking behind him.

And this circles back to Izuku, with parallels between Rei chasing Endeavor into the fire paralleling Izuku chasing Katsuki into fire during the sludge villain fight, because endeavors death is—while poetic—ultimately only harmful. Yes he is saving the city and Japan, he is dying as a hero and protecting his family, but as Shoto said, they have to do it together. This isn’t Endeavor healing his heart, I would argue it’s meaningless sacrifice born out of guilt. Rei SHOULD help, Natsuo SHOULD help, Fuyumi SHOULD HELP! Shoto shouldn’t have tried to fight dabi on his own, because Enji and Shoto both feel entirely responsible for what Touya has become, when they aren’t!

People forget that Touya is a fucking adult. He’s a serial killer and an arsonist because he chose to be. That doesn’t mean he’s forever going to be the worst person in the world, but no one person is responsible for his actions other than him. And that’s a reality we have to accept with our trauma, our parents can exponentially fuck up and make us terrible people, but you as a person have every opportunity as an adult to change what they have made you become. Touya could have gotten a job if he was that mad at his dad, he could have just fucking knocked on the front door of his house, he could have chosen at ANY POINT in his life to say, “No, I shouldn’t do that.” But he simply didn’t.

And not Endeavor, not Rei, not Natsuo, not Fuyumi, and certainly not Shoto are responsible for that. Dabi is selfish. I love his character but that’s a fact. He is selfish because of his trauma yes, this is all born out of an innate childhood need for his fathers attention yes, but that doesn’t make it justified.

“But Sock what about what you said earlier about saving him together!” I still stand by both my points.

Dabi can both need to be saved AND can also be selfish for needing to be saved in the first place. Those aren’t opposite ideas, they can still coexist. And they can coexist because Dabi is a character written well! He’s not a “villain with the right ideas taken too far”, he’s a complex person with an interesting backstory who has still killed people. (Fun fact dabi has committed several war crimes under the Geneva Convention LMAO)

MHA describes heroics as oftentimes “sticking your nose in places where they don’t belong”, meaning even people who don’t necessarily want to be saved. Dabi can still be selfish and wrong while still needing to be saved and supported.

There’s this line in a fanfic I read, something about human beings sometimes not having enough time in their life to become a better person. For person A, maybe it takes a couple months and a few simple ideas. For person B, maybe it takes your whole life and then some to understand the weight of your own actions. And that doesn’t make person A or person B incapable of change, they can still just need a proper opportunity to understand, or practice to implement a new idea into their mind.

Maybe person B just needed better luck, maybe person A was just a teenager growing up, but they both can still change.

Tangent over about the Todoroki family, back to Izuku. Like Endeavor in this instance, Izuku is often the type to have this martyr mentality, but unlike Izuku, Endeavor is the one currently in the fire, or more rather, he is the one currently dying. Like Katsuki.

Katsuki has accepted his death in this war, that ship has sailed. He has come close to death and then actually died, and the todoroki’s are currently going through the process. So that leaves Izuku. (And technically Toga too, maybe ochako, but that’s for another meta one day maybe)

Will Izuku have to come close to death? I’m excited to see.

Idrk how to end this meta, I think I had other thoughts and ideas I wanted to share, (along with a better conclusion), but I forgot those ideas and stuff about half way through writing this.

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wa-royal-tea · 1 year

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Previous | Beginning | Next

(Transcript under the cut - Click Pics for HQ Version!)

@thebrixtons

Ahtolia University Hospital, Ahtolia (3:30am)

Catalina: *coughs*

Catalina: *weakly* Alfie...

Alfie: *groggily* Lina?

Alfie: Do you need anything?

Catalina: Water...

Alfie: Okay, hold on.

Alfie: Here. Drink this slowly.

Catalina: Thank you. How long have I been out?

Alfie: Two days. But you were up this morning and then you went back to sleep.

Catalina: Really? I don’t remember.

Alfie: It’s okay. The doctor said the anesthesia’s gonna mess with your memory for a day or two. They had to put you under for the surgery.

Catalina: Oh...right.

Alfie: Dira told me you wanted to talk to me that night before...y’know.

Catalina: Oh. Yeah.

Alfie: Well, what do you want to talk about?

Catalina:...

Alfie: Lina?

Catalina:...why didn’t you come home last week?

Alfie: Last week?

Catalina: Yes. I waited for you, every night. But you didn’t come home. Do you hate me that much for what happened to you back then? Is that why you’re avoiding me?

Alfie: Lina, I think you misunderstood me. I wasn’t avoiding you.

Catalina: Then why? Explain to me why you didn’t say anything after...after that night. You promised you won’t walk away from me, but you did. You left me all alone at home.

Alfie: I’m sorry. Things were bad with mum last week. She was losing her mind and I had to be at the palace to make sure she doesn’t decide to suddenly call off the wedding.

Alfie: I won’t deny that the video didn’t disturb me. I’ve only heard about what happened to me back then but to see it myself...it was shocking.

Alfie: But I swear, Lina. The thought about walking away from you because of that video never crossed my mind. Not even once.

Alfie: Even when mum went on and on about calling the engagement off, I told her I would rather step down and let Dira be the Crown Princess than breaking up with you.

Catalina: You can’t do that. It’s your birthright. Being the future King has always been your dream.

Alfie: I know. But I don’t want to do it without you. I’d rather let my titles go than letting you go.

Alfie: I’m sorry that you felt like I was avoiding you. That wasn’t my intention. I was trying my best not to let mum break our engagement off that I completely forgotten that you needed me too. I’m so sorry.

Catalina: *chokes up* You dummy. You could’ve at least picked up the phone or left a note.

Alfie: Shh, I’m sorry. I promise I won’t do it again. Don’t cry, okay?

Catalina: You’re so mean, Alfie. I thought you were going to pull a “High School Alfie” on me. I can’t go through that again.

Alfie: I told you before. I’m not that kid anymore. I'm a hundred percent sure that I want to spend my life with you. No matter what.

Catalina: *sniffles* But what about your mum? Is she going to call the wedding off?

Alfie: No. She said the wedding is still on. We might need to postpone it until you’re well enough though.

Catalina: So, she doesn’t hate me? Or my family?

Alfie: Of course not. She might’ve lost her shit a week ago, but you taking a bullet for me was a wake up call for her. You Beauchamps would literally take a bullet for the people you care about. Your papa did that for my dad, and you did it for me too.

Catalina: *scoffs* Duh. We’re a ride or die kind of people.

Alfie: And I appreciate that. Seriously, I can never top what you did for me that night. You saved my life. I never thought you’d do that for me.

Catalina: You’d do the same too if you were in my place.

Alfie: Obviously. I’d take a bullet for you any day.

Catalina: *chuckles* So sweet. *groans* Ooh, that hurts.

Alfie: Don’t laugh too hard.

Catalina: *sighs* This sucks. I wanna go home already.

Alfie: We can go home when the doctor lets you. For now, just rest. Alright?

Catalina: Mhm.

Alfie: Now, go back to sleep.

Catalina: You’re not going to leave me, right?

Alfie: Never.

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newyorkrican922 · 9 months

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My thoughts on the series finale of Mayans…

I think we all agree this last season was rushed af. Most of the storylines were a discombobulated mess. Was it there greatest series ending? No. Was it the worst? Also no. There are some things I liked and A LOT I didn’t. Here’s my list of what I liked and how I wish some storylines went.

I agreed…

1.) With the way EZ died. Since he took over he was very much given dictator vibes. I enjoyed the way the club going all Julius Caesar to kill him. I also think we all knew that Angel was going to have a hand in EZ’s death since day one. (At least I did). There was always a Cain and Abel factor in there, even if Angel was reluctant to do so.

2.) Speaking of Angel, I did appreciate the fact he lived and got away with Maverick. The beach scene was honestly the best thing in the whole finale.

3.) Marcus/El Padrino getting out of the life and living the rest of his days with his family. He came a long way.

4.) Bottles and Nestor getting patched in. Though Nestor should’ve been patched awhile ago. I would have loved to see him as a full fledged member.

5.) Isaac dying. He was a great fucking villain, but he had to go. I wish Hope was the one who did it though, but I was okay with EZ being the one to do it.

… yeah that’s about it.

I disagreed…

1.) As much as I love Taza, he should’ve died and not be able to live his life as a nomad. Killing Riz was the start of all of this! Literally lead to the civil war between the Mayans, the war with the Sons, and the cartel. It should’ve been done back when the Mayans showed up in Santo Padre. I don’t understand how he got off scot free.

2.) Miguel, Ez, and Angel not knowing that they’re brothers! What was the point of all that if they were never going to find out? It should’ve been addressed a lot time ago in Season 3 or 4.

3.) Killing Sofia. I’m sorry, but this was bullshit to me. She didn’t know EZ worked with the Feds. If they’re going with the whole “she’s a liability” route, the same applies to Angel. I would have loved to see Angel take her and Sally. They could’ve both gone out, start a new life, and raise their kids together.

4.) NOT KILLING POTTER!! Omg this man is like a cockroach! Potter should’ve definitely been a goner and Miguel be the one to take him down with Devlin. Katie/Kody could have taken his place or Devlin a la Agent Stahl and haven them focus on the Mayans.

5.) Speaking of Devlin, if they were going to get Miguel out of the way, I would have loved to see Emily work out some sort of deal with her to ensure Miguel spends the rest of his life in prison and pull a double cross rather than kill him.

6.) Angel not knowing Luisa/Adelita is dead. I would’ve have loved a scene with Mini showing up somewhere and telling Angel everything. Well maybe minus the part where she was the one who killed her.

7.) If Isaac was going to die this whole time, why did Hope have to? We should’ve seen Hope and Letty halfway to Ohio or the Broken Saints take them in.

8.) ATF busting in and killing the whole charter!!! This would’ve been a great ending if it was just a season finale, not a series finale! We should’ve at least seen a few members (Gilly, Hank, Bottles, Nestor, and Guero being cuffed) .

#mayans mc #mayans fx #mayans mc spoilers #Mayans fx spoilers

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hakasims · 2 years

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The Ultimate And Entirely Correct Ranking Of Every Single Luca Marinelli Character

What? Another one of those? How many rankings can this bitch produce? A lot, trust me. This one is less shallow than the previous one which was about appearances, but unlike all my older posts where I tried to do something analytical, this list doesn’t even pretend to be intellectual or based on anything other than my own personal feelings about the characters Luca has played.

21. Fabrizio (Nina)

When we’re judging characters based on their own merit rather than any other factors, I think the exam rules apply: If you don’t show up, you get a zero. Fabrizio didn’t show up. He’s a nothing character and there’s nothing to say about him.

20. Andrea (La grande bellezza)

With a whole minute of total screen time, Andrea gets a zero, too. He’s not dead last only because I can actually describe him using adjectives.

19. Diabolik (Diabolik)

Congrats to this charisma-free robot on once again being shittier than Saint Joseph.

18. Saint Joseph (Maria di Nazaret)

He is shitty and useless but at least he’s sorta kind? Can’t even say this much about Diabolik.

17. Guido Caselli (Tutti i santi giorni)

Here’s my hottest take: Guido is creepy, pathetic, blindly dedicated to his shitty girlfriend because he likes her lyrics (literally, there’s no other reason) and he’s a doormat and a half. I know you all love him and please don’t stop on my account but you should probably know this movie is bad and its main characters are also bad.

16. Valerio (Slam - Tutto per una ragazza)

He’s a shitty human being and he’s completely useless and worthless. He annoys me less that Guido because he’s fun to watch.

15. Loris (Il mondo fino in fondo)

A homophobic dumb bitch who believes his god-given duty is to wipe his shitty little bro’s ass. Also he’s bland and his attempts at asserting his toxic masculinity are pathetic.

14. Lui (Ricordi?)

We get it, his dad was bad and his childhood was super fucking hard. He’s still whiny and depressing as hell, not to mention he’s a college professor who fucks his students.

13. Martin Eden (Martin Eden)

God, what a pompous ass with his shitty libertarian politics and the air of self-importance thicker than the drug-fueled haze in which he spends the last 15 minutes of that movie.

12. Mattia Balossino (La solitudine dei numeri primi)

He didn’t deserve the shit that befell him, and he basically did nothing wrong (he was a little kid seeking validation, ok?) but he’s also not as interesting as the rest of the guys.

11. Milton (Una questione privata)

My dumb bisexual son, feeling helpless at the cruelty and meaninglessness of war. I can’t help but love him, but I mostly sigh and feel sorry for him.

10. Ettore (Lasciati andare)

Yes, he’s a petty criminal, but he’s clearly a victim of an abusive parent and a flawed education system. If he had been given a chance, he’d have grown up into a good member of society, but even as he is, he’s sweet and harmless and way less homophobic than the supposedly educated Loris. Ettore deserved better.

9. Roberta (L’ultimo terrestre)

Speaking of the one who deserved better, I can’t even think about that movie and its treatment of this kind and sweet soul. Fuck literally everyone who isn’t her.

8. Gabriele (Waves)

The purest, sweetest boy. He deserves his little boat and a hot boat daddy.

7. Mickey Miranda (Die Pfeiler der Macht)

Skanky bitch who lives for drama. If this list was based on the morals and deeds of the characters, Mickey would definitely crack the bottom 3. However, I appreciate an entertaining son of a bitch who is solely responsible for bringing life to an otherwise dull, soul-sucking movie.

6. Nicky/Nicolo di Genova (The Old Guard)

Yep, not even in top 5. Still, I’m not saying he isn’t good or anything. It’s just that most of his character’s goodness is implied rather than explored on screen, and there are five boys who got more than that.

5. Paolo (Il padre d’Italia)

Here we have a soft, vulnerable boy who deserves happiness. Placing Paolo was a little difficult because even though he’s not a very challenging character, he makes up for his straightforward goodness with quite interesting, very internalized flaws while avoiding being a clichéd self-hating gay. Also he’s just a good sweet boy whomst I love. Is that a crime?

4. Fabrizio de André (Fabrizio de André - Principe libero)

He edges out Paolo because he’s a little more complicated and does more stuff in his much longer movie. He is talented, rebellious, vulnerable and flawed, and I just think he’s neat.

3. Fabio Cannizzaro (Lo chiamavano Jeeg Robot)

Is he as complex or complicated as some of the guys he edged out? No, not at all. But is he endlessly entertaining and literally the best part of this terrible, terrible movie? Absolutely. Also, can I just say, king of style? Excellent mix of menace and patheticness. I love him and so do you.

2. Cesare (Non essere cattivo)

He manages to combine immense, almost paradoxical likeabilty with fun as well as sadness. It is wild to me that he and Vittorio are both equal protagonists (with Vittorio even taking up more space) when Cesare is so much more developed, with rich inner life and very real and human flaws. Cesare is infinitely watchable and manages to thread the needle of being tragic but not pitiful.

1. Primo Nizzuto (Trust)

Who is suprised? Literally nobody didn’t see this coming. Primo is the best: the most complex, the most interesting, the best-written, the best-dressed, the hottest, the smartest, the most cunning and ruthless. He is literally the superlative character. The day he doesn’t top a list of best characters is the day I’ve been kidnapped and replaced by an impostor.

#luca marinelli #and his movies #that's it that's the tags

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glamphantasm · 3 months

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Heya! Glad to see that you like the questions for the ask game!

Anyway I have some questions about Kai for you!

General Info 05 Which deadly sin best aligns with them? Which one do they embody the least?

Realtionships & Personality 13 What is their greatest wish? What would they be willing to sacrific to get it?

Human 06 Who do they trust more—angels or demons? Why?

Hey thanks so much! <3 Love talking about the boy, so I'll take any excuse (he's taking up 97.35% of my brain meat lately, please send help)

General Info 05 Which deadly sin best aligns with them? Which one do they embody the least?

As a rule, Kai would call himself a hedonist if anyone ever asked. On the surface he is all good times and sensation and enjoyment, and more and want. He's here for a good time, not a long time, etc. *choose your mid-20s cliche deflection* That makes it very simple to say Lust or Greed would be his closest pairings, but it isn't entirely correct. He is very much those two on the surface. For all he portrays himself as nothing more than a good time boy, he works himself to the bone, he will protect those he cares about, he will never ask for help for any of it - he most embodies Pride, but in a very quiet, fierce sort of way. He would quite literally rather die than let another living being see him beneath the masks, behind the facades he's built around himself. Most would be caught off guard to realize that's is his core. Most. He's more seen than he realizes. Least like? Sloth. He allows himself the luxury of basic rest only when he collapses or someone forcibly makes him go after noticing the dark bags beneath his eyes (the only designer he'll ever own, he jokes.) Even then, he will take the bare minimum until he wakes up (most likely from another nightmare), and be on the go again.

Relationships & Personality 13 What is their greatest wish? What would they be willing to sacrifice to get it?

This one actually required quite a bit of thought. His greatest wish is simply to discover the truth. Who he really is, who he would have been without the outside influences that shaped him in ways that a good life never would have. It isn't a realistic, or attainable wish. He considered asking Barbatos once to see if there was a timeline where that was the case - he decided that it would be too much of a bother, the Prince's butler already has too much on his plate to request a favor (or maybe he just decided at the last moment it was really too terrifying to look into that and know what he had lost). For something attainable... it's simple. He doesn't want to go back to the human realm. Ever, if it were up to him. He'd offer himself on an altar for the chance, if it were required. Again - the words will never pass his lips. It will be offered if he deserves it, he hopes believes.

Human 06 Who do they trust more—angels or demons? Why?

Hands down, zero thought required: Demons. Kai wasn't raised in a religious environment, but did end up spending several years with a family who was. He was made to attend services, make the offerings, prayers, all of it. He had prayed to angels and saints and god (never capital G anymore) for guidance, for help, to be rescued, to be healed. No one ever answered. Humans were cruel, in so many ways. He understands the Devildom. At least there, the individuals he interacts with regularly are more transparent in their motivations. That being said? He does like the Angels well enough. Luke is a cute kid, reminds him vaguely of a younger boy he knew in a home - same eager energy. Simeon is kind and Kai knows he owes him everything (including quite literally his continued existence). He's amused by Raphael, and thinks Michael's kind of an asshole.

Questions Here!

#ask games #obey me mc #thank you for the ask!#obey me oc

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kagekitsuneoflight · 2 years

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There’s actually a theme in Inuyasha that I don’t see a lot of talk about, and when I do it usually centers around Inuyasha and Kikyo.

It’s revenge of course.

And the character that showcases how single-mindedness revenge can lead to far more victims than the initial crime is… Miroku.

It all starts with his grandfather, a monk named Miyatsu, just like Miroku and his father. It’s noted the beautiful women are a ‘weakness’ that runs in the family. Taking advantage of that Naraku disguised himself as a woman and curses Miroku’s grandfather with a black hole in the palm of his hand. It’s a generational curse.

Miyatsu spends the rest of his life trying to kill Naraku, and when the black hole grows and swallows him whole. Now it’s not clear if Miroku’s father was born before or after the curse was made. But it’s at the very least safe to say Miroku was born well after the fact. Miroku’s father inherits the Kazaana after Miyatsu is swallowed by it, and continues the fight against Naraku, both out of duty as a monk, but also to avenge Miyatsu.

Somewhere along the line, Miroku begins to fear that he will not accomplish his goal, and seeks out a woman to have a son. And here comes along Miroku, who is raised by a family friend and fellow monk, while his father continues to track down Naraku, confident that there will be someone to continue the cause.

Miroku is made aware of what will happen to him, and who is the cause of it. He witnesses his father get swallowed by the curse, inherits it, and continues the fight to end it, to avenge his father and grandfather.

But Miroku is also afraid that he too will be eaten by the Kazaana before his revenge can be accomplished, thus leading to his infamous “will you bear my child?”

The curse is much more than simply a pocket black hole, it’s also the burden of revenge. I think it’s a rather apt metaphor for how revenge will swallow you whole, and how easily it can be inherited. Miroku’s father (and potentially Miyatsu himself, depending on the timeline of events) could have easily let the revenge die with them, to have the curse die with them. Instead, they sought out to have an heir to inherit this curse in the event they don’t accomplish it. The argument can even be made that this is a generational trauma! Quite literally passed down.

Now let’s look at Sango as well, she’s actually a good foil for Miroku’s relationship with revenge. Her entire clan was killed in one night, save for her brother who was possessed and used as a puppet for the one who orchestrated the entire slaughter. It’s understandable that she wants the revenge, and she learns that it does not have to engulf her entire being. However, as much as she would love to revive her clan, she refuses to. This is her trauma. Her revenge. She refuses to pass it on.

It’s actually a hurdle that both Miroku and Sango must overcome in their relationship. Miroku continuously pursues Sango. At first, it’s done in a casual, perverse manner. But he eventually does gain actual feelings for her. He pursues her genuinely, they share their trauma.

And Sango makes it clear that she will not have any children until after Naraku is defeated. She doesn’t even give their relationship a proper label, even when she returns those feelings. Miroku could easily be swallowed up by the Kazaana, leaving her alone again, albeit with her friends. By refusing to label it, she’s trying to protect herself from that trauma again.

Miroku’s curse terrifies her. She does not want to pass on her trauma, her revenge, to the next generation. Miroku’s secondary objective IS to pass on that trauma, because that is what he inherited. With Miroku prioritizing Sango and her wants over the goal of passing it on, he is forced to stop the cycle. And with Sango refusing to start the cycle in the first place, she ensures he cannot pass it on from her. Living a life beyond revenge is so important, and their relationship, and their respective relationship with revenge, showcases it beautifully.

I do genuinely believe that one of the core pillars of Inuyasha’s theming is Revenge. From starting a cycle, to ending the cycle, to refusing to start the cycle.

#inuyasha #sango inuyasha #miroku inuyasha #i don’t remember if Naraku cursed Miyatsu because he groped his womanly disguise or if that’s fanon #also what is it with main characters and not having their parents have proper names #shut up kage

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hvstias · 2 years

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Heeyy Am I too late for Send me a ship and a number and I’ll tell you thing?

Can you make the 3, 8, 13 and 45 for SoViper? Pleeeease? *puppy eyes*

also for “soviper, 20 and 21? 👀” from @brewing-radianite, no beta read we die like cypher but here's some soviper food <3<3

how do they fall asleep? Wake up? Any daily rituals?

sova has a pretty strict sleeping schedule which he tries to follow but unfortunately our golden boy's life motto is “rest when the work is done” and viper probably has a some kind of insomnia so they either go nuts at 4 am, working on something or one of them convinces the other to go to sleep w them. It's usually Sova who convinces her to sleep, but Viper also knows how he tires himself out (that voicemail). sometimes they sleep in their separate rooms to not draw any attention from other agents, but occasionally sleeping together in one of their rooms. (bonus hc, viper would rather die than admitting it but sleeping with sova helps her sleep without having any nightmares)

it's canon that viper wakes up at 5 am and sova is an insufferable morning person in my mind so they probably wake up pretty early, viper usually wakes up before the alarm goes off but cannot get out of the bed because this blond mf has a strong grip and cuddles like a koala in his sleep

do they share any interests or hobbies?

they share the same taste in movies so watching a movie is a general thing for them, sova teaches her russian in their free time and lemme say it; nerds. sova is a hunter who literally hunts people down, he's a pretty strategical person and i'm pretty sure this boi is one of the smartest agents in the protocol. he's good at math & physics stuff and also asks her questions about chemistry without annoying her so they sometimes just talk about different topics for hours without getting bored. and they practice their line ups so often that it became a literal hobby for them lmao.

any special dreams or goals they have as a couple? Any heartbreaks? Regrets?

beginning of their relationship was hard and full of heartbreaks and regrets, especially about a lot of wasted time between them because of their mutual disapproval for each other's ways but they got over that after going to many missions together (partnering them for special missions is an effective way to ease their tension, and it's a brim & sage approved fact)

are they open about their relationship? how do they feel about public displays of affection?

In front of agents? not necessarily affectionate bc of the no fraternization rule etc etc but they have their own way to keep their physical touch w small gestures, and sova is a generally affectionate man so no one really questions it but apart from these they don't really cross personal borders around each other in public but in private? oh boy o h b o y

what do they do for fun? Do they have a favorite activity or do they like to switch things up?

they don't have much free time because.. usual agent shit but sova loves having late night drives with her, viper likes playing piano and it kinda soothes him and they take long walks around the island sometimes bc sova is a nature boi and it somehow helps viper w her migraine. viper also loves to practice hand to hand combat with sova, he doesn't hesitate, and he knows she's strong, so he gives all of himself. but honestly i don't think it matters what they're doing- they just enjoy spending time alone together. long conversations till midnight, watching a movie, having a private dinner, reading a book, sitting quietly by fire or just doing their own things in the pleasance of the other's company.

what does their home look like? Their room?

sova probably has a cabin in the woods in russia and viper still has that iconic penthouse, but they move into their own house not long after all that kingdom & omega world fiasco is over to make a clean start. their house is modern in a warm ambience, covered in grey walls w shades of green and blue with long windows and carpets. soft green sofas in their living room, a big TV on the wall and a rather large fireplace with a lil (big enough for both of them) beanbag chair in front of it. dark wooden shelves in the kitchen with long windows and bathrooms featuring marble-styled counters, some walls decorated with their and their friends' photos. viper is a minimalist and sova doesn't really like clutter, so they don't over-decorate it in any way. sova claimed one of the large rooms as their office space, keeping all of their books, his devices, and other work related stuff in there. viper has her own lab in the underground floor of their house with an extra room for any weapon they keep with them. Their bedroom is one of the largest rooms in the house, there's a dressing room attached to it to keep both of their clothes. their bed is big and it's placed in the middle of the room with two nightstands, and although she doesn't believe in such things, there's a small handcrafted dreamcatcher (from fade) on one of the walls. they have two extra bedrooms for guests.

#soviper #i'm surviving my finals slay #valorant headcanons #ship ask game #amber shitposts #valorant sova #valorant viper

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uss-exile-ncc-440548 · 1 year

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Before I go any further I ask for the logic and courtesy of being heard in entirety.

I want to say something about Sarek, first what I have observed through my own Trek experience, and then through a personal lens. I haven't ever shared this outside of my family, I share a lot but I tend not to share personal things, however, I think it's important because people love to rip Sarek out of context and for me, this is one of the many things that made Star Trek so important growing up, it was not just a way for my large and ridiculously extended family to connect, it was more than that. I am not saying he is a good father, I am not saying Spock should forgive him, I'm not an apologist and the second part is up to Spock, who does not exist, but I am saying that sometimes life sucks and the situation is bad to begin with. The rest is under the cut.

Observed: Sarek, for a Vulcan, is a bit outrageous. We see fans who complain about the "Wife, attend" line without considering that he is literally asking if he can kiss her. In public. It is against Vulcan customs to kiss or touch in public. He proclaims her as his wife about every three seconds and spends most of his time gushing over her as much as a Vulcan can be accused of gushing. He adores the very ground she walks on. With Spock, Sarek is proud, ya'll take the lines way too literally without considering that yes, a Vulcan is going to deny any emotion they are feeling. It isn't proper to do otherwise. Yes, he was distant with Spock, yes, he forced him to behave as other Vulcans, but there are numerous reasons for it. Sarek was already on very thin ice for marrying a human woman, the reason he gave to the rest of his species? It was logical to further relations between Vulcans and humans. Sarek didn't know if he would be able to have kids with her, so far no child of the two races had survived infancy. He didn't have an agenda because he was entirely smitten and it sounded like a good excuse at the time. Through much difficulty and a lot of intervention, Spock was born, and yes, Sarek comments Spock seems so human, but if you add the context of how much he loves Amanda, the fact he is a S'chn T'gai human lover, Sarek isn't angry... He's terrified. How is a child that behaves like a human going to survive on Vulcan? What is going to become of Spock? His eldest son Sybok, would come to face exile and an even worse fate. It is common practice for Vulcans to send those who show emotion for conditioning, and if that doesn't work, they are no longer considered Vulcan. Vulcans are so stuck on appearances that they will wreck entire families for it. Sarek knows this painfully well, and he is willing to give up his relationship with Spock to make sure his son has a place in society. He did not do it well, but he did what he knew. If you add in "Sarek" by A. C. Crispin, narrated by Mark Lenard himself in one version, you get to see a lot of this playing out, including a temporary fallout between Amanda and Sarek as Sarek, not wanting anything to happen to Spock, threatens to exile Spock himself, worried that Starfleet will get his son killed. To be fair, they do, to which we know Sarek immediately starts hunting for Spock's katra in desperation, something that most all of Vulcan believes is a myth. It isn't logical, but as Sarek says, logic fails him when it comes to his son. Sarek does whatever he can, bends whatever social moray he can, he argues for the crew's pardon, he pushes and pulls between two governments by the skin of his teeth, and when Sarek is dying, he does not expect Spock's forgiveness, instead he asks Picard to simply show Spock that Sarek loved him. No pressure on Spock. This is a man who quite plainly put would rather die than his family. None of this is fanwork, it's all right there.

Personal viewpoint: So let me say a little about situations like these, and I ask you to be as patient here as you were above. I was diagnosed with aspergers and hypermobility at three, and spent three and a half years in physical therapy. It ran in my father's side of the family, skipping no generations, but some had a harder time than others. On my mother's side it was scattered, and missed her. She thought her youngest child was broken, but was not of the opinion long. I grew up thinking I just had this thing, I was a little weird, stuff was loud and bright, fine, fair enough, the mask would do. But then one night as a little girl Ruth Bader Ginsburg comes on TV and with a smile calls for the euthanization of people like me. On national television. On a commercial. Now I came from a family of Germans and Americans and my half siblings and their mother and their extended family are all Jewish, and I grew up knowing what the word meant. I didn't have to run and ask my parents the definition. I stood there staring at the TV in shock and for the first time I went from thinking I was a bit strange to genuinely being afraid of society. This had been allowed, encouraged even, and she would later become a supreme court judge. I showed the commercial to my mother the next time it was on and as I got older I heard stories and cases of kids being handed live bombs and fireworks, fed dirt and bleach, treated like animals no matter how much education they had, no matter how much they passed as "normal." It wasn't until I was an adult that I decided that I would carve out my own chunk of things. For a brief time, I shared Spock's disgruntlement, but I also understood. We are humans, and if we will hand children live bombs and feed them bleach and call for death, then you're damn right Sarek was afraid. It is too easy to forget as we grow into a world that cries for more and more diversity acceptance that these things were the norm not so long ago, not even decades ago, and that they continue to happen every day, in some societies more than others. Many parents do what they can, whatever they can think of. There is no manual for this, not human nor Vulcan, and Gene knew that very well.

(If you make a Dr. Spock joke on this post I will eject you from it mercilessly. 😉)

#commander's log #sarek #s'chn t'gai sarek #sarek and amanda reminded me so much of my parents it wasn't/isn't even funny #together for over 30 years and never a fight #sarek and amanda had one (1)

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vespertin-y · 2 years

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Are you ready????? I have quite a list for you.... Numbers 9, 13, 20, 48, 56, 62, 69, 71, 83&84, and 92! :D

YESSSS THAT'S SO MANY THANK U FOR FEEDING ME

9: Favorite Execution?

hmm...i’d have to say kaede’s! i was very worried about v3′s executions since sdr2′s were...Like That, but those worries were put to rest in the most heartbreaking possible way :’). it’s so LAYERED, too!! Der Flohwalzer is essentially the japanese version of Chopsticks - it’s an extremely simple piece and very likely the first piece kaede learned how to play. so of course monokuma doesn’t just make it the last piece she ever plays - he makes it the WORST, fucking it up in the most eargrating way possible. and since kaede’s motivation was to see her audience smile, there’s a crowd of booing monokumas literally stoning her for this failure. the actual method of killing (slow and agonizing suffocation added to by blunt force trauma and finished off with crushing) is reminiscent of thh in that while it’s over the top, it’s still a real method of torture and death that could happen to a real person. whereas the setting (an impossibly large piano appearing in a black void that all the students just...teleport to, i guess?) is much more reminiscent of sdr2 in that it is absolutely not something monokuma could’ve pulled off in reality, hinting to you that the game is not as real as it might seem.

13: Favorite Love Hotel Scene?

probably unsurprisingly, kokichi’s 😅. it’s just so good though!!! i was ALREADY a sucker for the phantom thief/detective dynamic, so when they not only slapped it on top of a ship i already liked, but used it to confirm that kokichi has genuine feelings for saihara? i was a GONER. i also love that it reaffirms that kokichi is just. a massive dork. the biggest goober. he’s one of the scariest antags danganronpa has ever had, sure - but he also loves yu-gi-oh and is terrified of bugs and spends his freetime daydreaming about being a cool phantom thief who his crush has to chase after. he’s a nerd.

20: Happiest In-Game Moment?

already answered here!

48: A Character You Thought You Would Dislike but Liked In The End?

i’d have to say kaito! i found him VERY obnoxious my first watch through, but the second time around i found myself growing quite a soft spot for him...he’s a much more complex character than i originally gave him credit for! i think a significant portion of my sympathies comes from reading fanfiction that helped me better understand his perspective, lol. (for a good oneshot read ‘cause maybe you’re that thing i need (can you save me) by ToxicPineapple, and for a good longfic read Amalgamate by DoctorHaifish!!)

56: Which Character Did You Not Expect To Die But They Did?

probably rantaro! he was so obviously important i really didn’t expect him to kick it (which i suppose was the point, lol) so i was totally shellshocked when he did. and then they went and killed off the main character, too...post-chapter one was the first time i really felt like no one was safe in danganronpa. before, i’d been so confident that i could tell who was too plot-important to die!!

62: A Character You Can Relate To?

himiko all the way lol. the tiny stature...the Depression mistaken for laziness...the attempts to talk to people by clumsily foisting your interests at them...That’s Me Babeyyy

69: Hope or Despair?

hope! naegi-hope, though, not komaeda-hope...shiver

71: Which Character’s Clothing Would You Like In Real Life?

CHIAKI. i would KILL for that cat hoodie okay...

83: A Character You’d Like To See As The Antagonist? + 84: Character as Antagonist Headcannon?

i would’ve really liked to see angie as a fully-fledged antagonist rather than the few (extremely racist) moments we got of her being a threat before she immediately died, oof. she’s so INTERESTING! i think the trait i’m most interested in her having as an antagonist is her arrogance? she really does believe that if all the other students just listened to her all the time, no one would die. she’s very similar to kokichi in that she’s absolutely sure she’s the smartest person in the room, lol. and yet they come to opposite conclusions - kokichi thinks group teamwork is foolish and will get them killed, and angie thinks group teamwork is the only way forward. such an interesting parallel and they did nothing with it...

92: Recommended Headcanon?

this one is interesting...not a headcanon you like, but a headcanon you recommend? hmm...i’d have to say that v3 is a VR simulation! i poked at it a little when i was talking about kaede’s execution, but v3, uh...doesn’t make sense? thh is very careful to set up the rules of the universe - it’s pretty anime, but not too anime. when usami turns a chicken into a cow in sdr2, it’s IMMEDIATELY meant to tip you off to the fact that this isn’t quite real (and the executions follow this same pattern). and v3′s logic is much closer to sdr2′s than thh’s. sentient robots, cospox, magically changing outfits...they’ve already taught us that this kind of stuff just doesn’t happen in danganronpa’s reality! i honestly don’t really understand people who think it’s not vr, lol.

#THIS TOOK SO LONG TO WRITE AAAA #HOPE U LIKE IT BC I'M NOT PROOFREADING AT ALL #mem gets an ask

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vikings-til-valhalla · 3 months

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Hey, another random follower here I can't help with the situation at hand, it's horrible and taxing and i really hope things will be okay, besides possibly giving you some affirmation, however valuable a strangers affirmation can be. You're doing literally everything you can to help your loved ones and they're lucky to have you close. You've called the police for your friend and you've learned about your sister, your mom is safe (as far as I understand). I know those days or weeks where you can't shower and take care of yourself and THEN you get shit piled on you on top of that, and you're hella damn strong to keep going as you are. You can find a new job tomorrow, or the day after, when everything (hopefully) has calmed down just a bit. Is there a way to maybe have your sister stay at your place a bit? Helping with your mother might do good for both of you, giving her a bit of distraction and yourself a moment to rest. (and you would know she's alright) I'm wishing you best of luck, calling the police is scary and shit, but the right call in a situation like this. Saved one of my friends lives, too. Things have likely happened by now, and I don't know the outcome, but I hope he's alright. Things will be fine again. Somehow, they have to be. Can you drink a glass of water, please? (I don't mean this in a condescending way, just in case you haven't been drinking much today bc of everything that happened) You got your cat to take care of, and Elder Scrolls 6 has been announced (whenever we will get new news on it) There's always more things to look forwards to, no matter how horrible the situation. If you need someone to talk to, rant to, tell someone about your favorite Skyrim build and how broken it is or something of the like, feel free to write me whenever. Lots of love

Thank you, friend. Thank you more than what I can put into words right now.

Today is no better than yesterday. In fact, it's worse. I'm being forced to care for others at a time when I can't even care for myself. Everyone in my house is leaving to care for themselves, or isn't responding because they're too busy with themselves, and won't help me out at all. Every single second I spend not caring for someone else is time I'm spending being selfish and doing things wrong. My father, the shitass fuck he is who abuses me, he accused me of ignoring my mom in favor of my friend whose life was on the line. Mom has others who can help, they can come home and care for her, she isn't going to die. My friend though?? I'm not sure if he's even alive right now. And when I went to take a shower, I was needed to care for mom because I had to get mom some supplies, and sis was probably high again and couldn't do it herself. When I got back I tried to shower again, and sis said she was going out for an hour so I couldn't. THEN!!!! I got another text from sis!!!! She had to go to an appointment and guess who was left to watch mom???!!!! Mom finally said to take a shower, so I did. I've got pants on. I don't have anything else to wear because I have no chance or energy to do laundry today. My brothers are not answering anyone as they never pick up their phones for the house, but rather just for friends. I'm so stretched thin and all I can do is hold out hope that therapy does something for me tomorrow when I have my scheduled appointment. And, that I can pay for the appointment at all for that matter. A friend came back to town and said I can stay with her if I need, but I know that, if I do, my father will spam me with angry and guilting phone calls and texts, then sis will as well because they're one in the same, until I come home. And if sis finds out I was fired because of her, she'll lose it. If father finds out, he'll cut off all my outside contact on all my devices and I'll be helpless with no way to get help, until I land another job. And I'll never stop hearing him tell me it's my fault I lost my job, even though it isn't. I'm tired... So tired... But nobody will let me sleep. Not even for a few minutes. And if they do allow me by some chance, then somebody else is suddenly in danger and I have to stay up to help them. When it's not one it's the other, when it's not this it's that. There is no winning. And I am just tired of it. Life isn't about winning, it's about compromise and finding a balance. But the scales are tipped to one side entirely and leaving me hanging with no possible way to rebalance them.

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elliebear666 · 1 year

Text

I don't want to be here anymore.

But I can't die before I'm whole. I can't.

I have suffered my entire fucking life due to dysphoria and being transgender. I just... my heart is misshapen and bent and broken. I fear that this is how I am going to feel going forward.

I pushed her away. Maybe subconsciously but... I pushed her away because I couldn't bear to see her around town. Or hear her voice. Or see her loving someone else. The jealousy and emotional agony would have overwhelmed me to the point of suicide.

I needed her far away. Where I'll never have the chance to see her again.

Even after my surgery? I want to tell her about it and share that with her. Fuck I'm crying. I want to tell her everything on my mind. I want to tell her how I've been and what I've done. Tell her about my journey. The loves I've tried to kindle, even if they were only attempts to smother my feelings for her.

I want to hear about her life. Everything. Every little detail. Maybe not the sex details because ya girl would be insanely jealous and hurt but... I wish... idk.

Would I rather have had her as a friend than not at all?

I don't know.

I guess... I have other friends. But I've pushed so many people away being angry and shitty. I want to share my journey with the people I love...

Why can't I let people go? I want to... but what they meant to me is so fresh in my heart.

I wish I could tell her about how much I've changed, and the joy and happiness I've experienced. But she doesn't care.

I've lost weight, but worry I'll lose too much and won't look feminine anymore. All the more reason to worry and fret. I'm just...

I don't know what to do. How do I move on?

What if I fucking... what if I never move on? What if I can't? What if I spend the rest of my life longing for a woman that's... probably straight lol. Maybe she didn't want to be with me because I was too effeminate. Maybe I was too much of a literal girl and she wanted a guy.

I wish to god I could say I never loved her. But that would be an absolute fucking lie.

She'll never know or care that I'm... finally whole. That I'm happier than I've ever been. That I love myself and my body and my life. And yet? Despite how close I am to being more whole? Without her here, there will always be something missing.

I feel like I traded a desperate love for a desperate need. Why couldn't I have had both?

Maybe she's not bisexual. Tbh I... maybe I projected my sexuality onto her.

I am consumed by this. All of it.

I will wake up after my surgery, and... I will mourn that she's not there when I wake up. I wish she could be there when I wake up.

I'm so fucking sorry.

I'll find love again. But they will never be her.

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gffa · 2 years

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Hi! I've talked a bit about it here and there, but it's kind of a really complicated topic for me, both in terms of in-universe and out-of-universe reasons. Generally my feelings come down to that: - They're at war, the Chancellor's life was under legitimate (from their perspective) threat, and Anakin Skywalker was a huge potential leak they couldn't afford. At the very heart of this, Anakin's feelings couldn't be more important that people's lives. That's what was at stake here. - I have a hard time believing that Obi-Wan would choose to keep Anakin in the dark just for shits and giggles, just to sell the ruse, but that Anakin's past behavior (see everything with losing R2-D2 who still had incredibly sensitive military info on him, despite that Anakin was clearly and directly ordered to wipe the info out, showing that Anakin was an amazing fighter, but he did not take security seriously) meant that he would have been a liability. I just don't buy that Obi-Wan, who has never been shown to be uncaring towards Anakin (quite the opposite) wouldn't take into consideration Anakin's feelings about this. (As a reminder: the rest of the Jedi Council were in favor of telling Anakin, but they let it be Obi-Wan's choice.)

Keep in mind, these aren’t just regular soldiers, they are PSYCHIC SPACE WIZARDS WHO CAN READ EACH OTHERS’ FEELINGS, it’s not just “Anakin Skywalker can’t act for shit” (though, I think that’s true as well) but that Count Dooku, being a powerful psychic space wizard, would literally be able to feel Anakin’s feelings, because Anakin is not great at controlling them. Having to genuinely sell a reaction isn’t just physical acting, but emotional and mental acting as well. Two things Anakin is not good at, all while the Chancellor’s life is on the line. - Anakin Skywalker was a full grown adult and Jedi Knight. He should have been able to handle this. And, honestly, I think he mostly handled Obi-Wan's death reasonably well, from what we saw! He struggled, he staggered, he nearly toppled a time or two, but when it came to it, he didn't kill Rako Hardeen (even though he wanted to very much) because Obi-Wan wouldn't have wanted it.

And I also think that, while it hurt their relationship and probably allowed bad feelings to fester within Anakin, their relationship improves again, the way they move together on The Invisible Hand, the way Anakin is willing to let Palpatine (and himself) die rather than rescuing Obi-Wan, the way Anakin confesses how frustrated he's been to Obi-Wan before he leaves for Utapau, the way he glows at Obi-Wan's praise. Palpatine says, “Leave [Obi-Wan], or we’ll never make it.” and THIS is Anakin’s immediate response:

I have never seen more “I will fucking drop you down that elevator shaft myself if you suggest leaving him behind one more time.” energy in my LIFE. 😂 But also, look at how in synch they are, in the opening shots of Revenge of the Sith, the shot that establishes our understanding of where these characters are at with each other:

"Lucas has now designated the opening shot [of Revenge of the Sith] as being one minute long, during which he wants Anakin and Obi-Wan to fly in perfect harmony to express their friendship." Or how they banter, that Obi-Wan and Anakin are both laughing and smiling at each other:

I don't think it fundamentally broke something in their relationship, because they are still shown to be incredibly close and important to each other after the Deception arc happened. - I think Anakin's hurt feelings are very understandable, Obi-Wan very much did lie to him, and sometimes people just can't be fully logical in response to a situation like this. The Jedi don't expect Anakin to never have less than perfect feelings, to never react in a way that isn't fully rational, but they do expect him to deal with it. Spend time acknowledging his feelings, working through them, and letting them go. But I think it’s also illustrative of Anakin’s issues that were already there--he immediately assumes it was the Council’s decision when it wasn’t and, even when Obi-Wan explains that, Anakin immediately swings it back around to wanting to blame them anyway, that it had to be their fault somehow.

- I think Obi-Wan's not necessarily wrong to have done this, they're in a war, again people's lives are more important than Anakin's feelings, but I don't think he was necessarily right to do it, either, because it does show that he didn't trust Anakin. We can argue whether or not he was right about Anakin not being trustable (I generally lean towards the idea that Anakin wasn't, because we have seen how bad Anakin Skywalker is at faking things, which is generally a good thing in a person! but it does mean that he'd be shit at what was required of him for this), but ultimately Obi-Wan felt it was necessary and Anakin was hurt by that. Both sides are reasonable. So, that brings us to: Did Obi-Wan faking his death add to Anakin's fall? It's hard to say, because the movies exist without TCW, they are complete on their own in the sense that the motivations within them hang together without needing anything else to supplement them. There's no screaming, "You betrayed me, you made me think you were dead!" on Mustafar, so it cannot be a huge driving force. The movies have to be able to stand on their own context, that TCW can enhance things greatly, but they cannot change the foundation that is already there. Obi-Wan and Anakin’s relationship has to be able to be understood from just the movies. Anakin’s fall has to be able to be understood from just the movies. And George Lucas has done interviews since this episode and has still said that Anakin’s fall was because of his attachments and his greed to possess the people he cared about, he has never said anything else about Anakin’s fall. Trying to change it from “Anakin’s greed is the reason he fell” to “well, but Obi-Wan made it so Anakin couldn’t trust him!” changes the theme and message of the movies and that’s not what Lucas has said. Whatever else did or didn’t influence things, the core theme has to stand on its own: Anakin fell because of his greed, full stop. That’s it, that is the theme. Everything else has to serve that theme. At the same time, I think it kind of has to be a factor (though, I think it's very amped up in fandom, because we do love our angst) because TCW (which Lucas has said is canon to his story) chose to include it. Anakin's fall is his own thing, he falls because he's attached to things and people (in the Star Wars definition/more along the lines of Buddhist definition of attachment), Lucas has said that excruciatingly clearly and repeatedly [x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x], because he's afraid to live without them, because he's unwilling to let go and he became greedy to possess them, that's the beginning and end of Anakin's fall. But is it part of why he refuses to come back on Mustafar, even though Obi-Wan is desperately trying to get him to listen? I do think it's one of the reasons. It's a bigger reason that Anakin can't admit he killed more children out of his desperate fear, he can't face what he himself has done, but I can see the Deception storyline being an influence. And that's kind of where I sit--I think Obi-Wan's plan was reasonable because lives were more important that Anakin's feelings, but that Anakin was justified in feeling hurt and angry about it. The question for me is--did Anakin let those feelings fester, rather than doing something about it? Even if it was to say he couldn't be around Obi-Wan anymore, if that was the case, then he should have said and done that. If he needed to talk to Obi-Wan about this more, he should have done that. I'm not saying Anakin was obligated to just immediately let all of this go, but because the Jedi's psychic abilities are based on their emotions, yes, he was obligated to not let those feelings bite into his heart and work towards letting them go. (But did they bite into him? Or did he work through them, as he was supposed to? That's the harder question to answer.) I think Obi-Wan trusted that Anakin would be able to handle the feelings that this would bring out in him, that it would be difficult, but that he believed Anakin would work through the hurt and anger, and understand Obi-Wan's reasons, especially because the psychic wizards' entire philosophy is about how you can't let that shit linger in your head and heart, you have to work it out and let it go eventually. So, tl;dr: I don't think Obi-Wan was wrong (Chancellor's life > Anakin's feelings), but I also think Anakin's anger is fair, up to a point and that what we see on the screen of Anakin’s anger is not crossing the line. I'd be angry, too, but I would also have to deal with it and not let it poison me, especially if I had powers that could kill people with my thoughts, which are based on my emotional wellbeing.

#obi wan kenobi #anakin skywalker #george lucas #deception arc #meta #long post

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