#i think about them so much and they are so tragic to me forever. pillar john thumbs up death sprite makes me insane every day | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

synthcult · 1 year

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Bidding farewell.

Hello, witches, boils and ghouls. My last few weeks have been pretty upsetting and there has been an abrupt death of a good friend recently that has disturbed me greatly. My longtime cat of eight years was in a tragic incident that will forever have my heart in pieces. He was my best friend and support animal. His passing has been difficult, even though I understand that death is a necessary part of life. That being said, I figured I could help others learn how to integrate their craft and mourning, for the times when something has happened or someone has passed. There are many ways to mourn and no way is the ‘right’ way, be it with your craft or without. I hope what I share is helpful to someone.

Magick in mourning:

Mourning is probably the most difficult part of death. It can start only a couple of seconds after the initial news of a passing and sometimes last for a lifetime. Everyone mourns differently and every version of mourning, so long as it does not bring about pain onto others (within reason), is acceptable. It’s my belief that mourning is where we’re able to show and send out our deepest and most painful feelings to the universe and where we are most open to receiving messages from those beyond our realm that seek to comfort us. Below are a few ways to mourn and involve your craft with it, so that you can remain grounded in your work. Please only perform these when you feel it is the right time. Mourning is tricky and painful. When we work with mourning, we want to work with the emotions we have, not against them. Do not try and banish your emotions or seek to rid yourself of them.

Three pillar candles:

The three pillar candles are three white candles that are of varying sizes. One is the tallest, one is the second tallest and the other is the shortest. These candles represent the stages of life of our loved one who has passed, with the smallest being their youth, the middle being their life and the largest being their death and onward. Every night these candles should be lit on an altar or sacred space, starting with the smallest, the middle and the largest. When you light them, think of their youth, their life, their passing and onward. Please make an important note to not think too much of their passing, as this can become very painful. Think only that they have departed this world and have moved on into spirit. It’s entirely up to you to speak to them or say a prayer. Either gently blow out the candles or snuff them when you are ready. I do not suggest burning more than a couple of hours at a time. It’s also in my opinion that this is pleasant to do at night, but the day time is acceptable as well. If you are unable to purchase or find pillar candles, a large candle will work as well. You can section it off in three spaces, starting from the top with youth, then to the middle with life and the last segment being death and onwards. There are candles in glass sold at local Dollar Trees that can be good for this. Just try to stick with white.

Flower parting:

My boyfriend and I went to get our cat flowers on the day we buried him. Later that evening, my boyfriend brought me similar flowers, but white to symbolize the connection. He snipped a bud off of one and I was able to hold it. I hadn’t been able to hold the body of my cat. This is something you can also do to have a connection with your passed loved one.

Get flowers for your loved one, be it one stem or many. You can use colors, or do what I did; which was just get which color they might have liked. See if there is a match to the flower that comes in a white version, there is a chance there will not be. If there is, buy that one for yourself. If there isn’t, you can get a different flower or the same flower.

Bring the deceased’s flower to their grave or site of respect. Give them the flower and think on it. Speak to them. Allow them to see and witness your emotions. When you’re ready, depart with the other flower. Take that flower home and snip the stem off. You can place the bud on your bedside table if you have one. Hold it whenever you feel the need to. You can speak with it and weep with it. Please note however, that the bud will wilt and if you’re unprepared, it may cause painful thoughts. I do not advise doing this work if you’re unstable.

When the bud completely wilts or is no longer desired, you can bury it somewhere nearby or do what you will with it. It’s best to express gratitude to it by thanking it and not throw it into the garbage can. If that is your only choice, however, I suggest throwing it away with as much respect as possible.

Moon Praying:

This version of mourning is one we often see mentioned throughout media. If there’s one thing the world shares, its our sky. We all see the moon every evening, just as we all see the sun throughout the day. Because the moon is so deeply connected with our emotions, I find that speaking to the moon and praying to it is a lot more beneficial than to the sun, at least for anything that correlates with our deeper emotions. You can choose any phase to pray to the moon, but I would avoid the new moon and full moon, as the energies are hectic during those times.

There isn’t much to moon praying, other than speaking to your loved one and sharing bits of your life with them. It’s best done outside, beneath the moon’s rays so that you can soak them in and shroud yourself with the energy. If you are unable to do that, standing in a window will work well too. Bringing music with you or using silence is acceptable. Think of this as a meditation shared with your loved one. Don’t expect anything, but simply relax and sit with them.

#witchcraft #witchblr #witchy #necromancy #pagan #spellcraft #my posts

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voidpumpkin · 2 years

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I don't know anything about Demon Slayer but I DO know Rengoku sorta and he's my favorite character. I have never seen that other guy you have been posting him with! Could you talk about both of them/who they are and why you like them together?

K lets go over them separately, Rengoku Kyoujurou is the Flame Pillar, the strongest swordsmen wielding the flame breathing swordstyle. Set up to act as a mentor character to the main cast. Key belief of his is the temporariness of life makes it beautiful and that it is the role of the strong to protect the weak. Revealed in his introduction arc have a lot of hidden insecurities about his worth due to his abusive father. He dies at the hands of Akaza but succeeds in saving everybody's lives.

Akaza, number 3 most powerful demon underling, believes the only goal in life is to get stronger (but doesnt eat women, which apparently would make him much stronger, demons need to eat people btw), thinks temporary life is gross and despises the weak. He's the one who kills Kyoujurou. Pretty much all demons have a tragic backstory that they forget upon becoming a demon with Akaza's being that he was a kid who dedicated and risked his life to looking after his father, then lover after his father dies, whilst being taught to protect the weak, with belief of his being that weak, sick shouldn't view themselves as a burden. He's forcibly turned into a demon after killing the people who murdered his fiance and mentor, (though his love for his fiance preventing him from harming a women even though he has forgotten her.)

Why i like them together: First off, them being together requires Kyoujurou lives (i've always been of the opinion that his death is one of the earliest signs of demon slayer going downhill) and i love Kyoujurou and i want to see him and his relationships be explored. Secondly what happens in their fight together, mainly: they have ideological conflicts with each other, Akaza is utterly enamored with him asking him to be immortal so they can fight together/each other forever and literally begging for him to become an immortal demon after dealing the killing blow. What they say during the fight and who they are creates so much juicy drama, Kyoujurou can confront Akaza's belief and make him remember his backstory, convincing him to join the good guys, an idea i'm obsessed with is him asking Akaza 'what is true strength, giving into your urges as a demon, or resisting them'. Akaza in his complete admiration of Kyoujurou can get him to value his life more and confront his insecurities in a way nobody else can as he is the only equal/above Kyoujurou's level to express such admiration (everyone else are family members, students or colleagues).

Other drama created is of one of the people who kills demon's falling in love with them, slayers can be kicked out for just refusing to kill one that hasn't eaten anybody. This drama as well as Kyoujurou coming to recognise the humanity of demons as well as their suffering as demons are constantly monitored by their creator who can kill them on a whim, is just another reason for me to love it. They have to keep relationship a secret, existing on opposite sides of a conflict and wanting to be together, which is so juicy to me.

There's also a plot reason as the good guys require high level demon blood to create a cure for demonism. Akaza, as number 3, becoming a good guy would mean they would have a lot more of the cure and make it even more powerful, this along with him fighting on their side in the final battle and Kyoujurou being alive to fight in the final battle means we wouldn't have that shitty ending where half the cast dies.

Renkaza is a relationship that by its very nature would require/causes drama and character growth, which is what makes it absolutely golden for a story.

As you can see i am completely normal about them.

#ask game #there's nearly a dozen interesting relationships in that manga #bu the creator just had to get bored and rush the final two arcs

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the-mu-in-muichirou · 3 years

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Tangled Au

BUT LISTEN ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK…

Yes Muzan is mother gothel because his stingy ass would be trying to live forever and would want to conjure the sun out of his behind but LOOK!!!!!

It’s nezuko who is born from the flower not tanjirou so ha! Suck on that twist.

I’d like to say her hair is orange but like an orange haired nezuko wouldn’t look right ;-; so redish hair kinda like tanjirou’s

After Nezuko was kidnapped because you know WE CANT HAVE NICE THINGS in this fandom without something tragic hurting us.

And look as much as I would love a ZenNezu story about zenitsu mustering up the Courage to save her. NO! This is for family feels so F the romance plot.

Tanjirou is devastated his baby sister went missing and so where his parents the king and queen. So after many talkings Tanjirou wished to go find his sister. His parents would never allow that because that’s their only child left!!!!

After Nezuko’s disappearance the king and queen decided to have no more kids as scared they would also be stolen. (Did I nerf the other siblings Bc I don’t know how else to include them? Yes I did but so did Gotouge)

Tanjirou disliked the idea of not being able to help his sister and as the stubborn person he is, he pulled a Mulan(left without word in the middle of the night) around the age of 12 to go look for his sister.

Tanjirou didn’t know how majorly he screwed up until he realized the real word hard TM but he pulls this I am the first son mantra and continues on his way like a big boy.

And because he isn’t really a big boy he is found by Urokodaki a lone traveler who brings him home and asks Tanjirou if he’s alright.

Tanjirou says no and explains his situation ans urokodaki listens saying he should go back to his family. Tanjirou disagrees because he can’t go home empty handed.

Tanjirou says he will leave the next day but Urokodaki can’t leave a child in need alone so he asks tanjirou if he can even defend himself.

And obviously baby boy can’t do Urokodaki reveals he was a former palace guard and decides to teach Tanjirou about swordsman ship.

(If you can’t get guess, yes all the pillars are royal palace guards)

As the years pass the king and queen are looking for not only mourning their daughter but looking for their son.

Muzan is none the wiser that the prince has gone missing busy making sure to raise Nezuko under him best he can. Usual parental manipulation tactics.

After tanjirou beats Urokodaki in a spar like years later he continues on his way.

This is where he meets Inosuke a thief who’s had to steal since young. Tanjirou tries to reason with him saying it’s wrong and inosuke is still feral but they both get caught and wanted posters get out up of both them.

Later along the way they encounter Zenitsu who was found crying on the side of the road for owing money to some debt collectors.

The three join forces stopping others who steal (but getting caught returning artifacts so they’re seen like thieves)

Inosuke complains Bc they should keep it and zenitsu agrees while tanjirou doesn’t.

Life goes on and

~time skip~

It is Nezuko’s 18th birthday and she wants to go see the floating lanterns. Despite asking ofc her father (Muzan) says no and she’s upset.

Muzan sings- (pfft imagine him singing) Muzan just lectures her on it saying she’s too old for nonsense and he expects better.

Nezuko agrees and asks for some v rare bread she liked. Muzan said that it’s long away travel and Nezuko does that thing 🥺

And Muzan agrees because if it’ll shut a child up and departs .

The castle scene is the three idiots trying to place the crown back when they get caught and running after their lives being chased by sanemi and giyuu. (Why this pair specifically? I ship them leave me alone.)

They’re cornered until tanjirou falls into the hidden leaves hiding the tower and drags both of them in.

They climb tower and are promptly knocked out. Cue a crow squawking at them to wake up.

And look Tanjirou doesn’t recognize her because she was baby and you might be like (why did he go search for her then!?!) well does Tanjirou look like he plans things through? He’s jump first think along the way.

Anyways, they all try to pacify her and nezuko settles down saying she’ll give them back the crown if they take her to see the lanterns. And well they agree.

After this the plot mostly follows the same 😗

The part where they escape the tavern and are bonded by her hair shocks all of them

Oh! They are found by giyuu but when Tanjirou fights him giyuu recognizes the fighting style and asks if he knows Urokodaki. Tanjirou nods and giyuu says he’ll help.

The two goons after all five of them are Douma and Enmu. (I’d never want those two to interact actually but here we are)

Some ZenNezu plot does happen with nezuko having doubts and zenitsu comforting her as they continue.

During the boat scene Giyuu stays behind while the four of them get on and enjoy some peace. With all of them saying if nezuko has finished one dream it just means it’s time for a new one.

Nezuko smiles and confesses she’s had the crown all along. They all say they don’t care and they’re happy she’s with them.

cue boat docking Nezuko wandering off to talk to Muzan and the three getting kidnapped and shipped back to the castle.

Cue realization of who nezuko is.

And cue Tanjirou confessing he’s the prince in the cells while giyuu helps with can escape plan.

Tanjirou goes to save nezuko and overhears yelling from the bottom of the tower because please.

Tanjirou yelling for nezuko more desperate than ever now knowing he’s found his sister.

Muzan killing Tanjirou but Muzan falling down and dying.

Nezuko resurrecting Tanjirou and both going home to their family safe and sound.

~THE END~

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freaky-writer-writes · 3 years

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Butterflies | Demon slayer | Shinobu x gn!reader

Character(s): Shinobu Kocho

Fandom: Demon slayer

Pronouns: They/them (Gender neutral)

Warnings: Mentions of death, injuries, slight angst to fluff

A/N: Am I the only one who can’t get over Demon slayer? I haven’t read the manga (though I’m starting to go it atm so no spoilers please) though so- But I’ve had so many fucking spoilers already so I know what’s going to happen 🥲. Anyhow, Demon slayer is still one of my favorite anime/manga!!

Summary: You arrive at the butterfly estate from a mission, you follow Shinobu Kocho to the Wisteria garden.

You were brought to the butterfly mansion to treat your wounds from your previous mission.

It wasn’t the worse, yet not the easiest mission. You were badly injured, you even broke your left arm. At least it wasn’t an upper rank demon, right?

You were still in the hospital bed, just staring dead in the ceiling.

You didn’t feel that much pain anymore, you wanted to get out of the bed, but you weren’t allowed to until you had fully recovered.

But sometimes you have to break the rules. You wanted to walk around and see if your friends are alright.

Your emotions couldn’t comprehend, you slowly got up, a slight pain in the back but you ignored it.

You had a little trouble walking, but soon regained balance. You walked through the halls of the estate, trying your best not to get caught by anyone.

You were looking through every room, desperately trying to find your friends who also got injured during the mission.

“(Y/N)?” A soft voice called out.

You flinched as you turned around only to see a hashira standing in the distance.

They had long black hair with purple ends in a ponytail, a butterfly clip behind her hair, and a butterfly pattern haori.

When you realized who it was, heat started running through your face. You had a strange feeling in your stomach again.

“Wait... Kocho-sama?!”

It was weird, considering never having this feeling in your life. It was like.. Butterflies tickling inside your stomach. You thought it was normal, it only happens when Shinobu’s around. Besides, she’s the insect pillar.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in bed, (Y/N)-san?” She said as she started walking closer to you.

You froze, not knowing what to say. She’ll definitely notice that I’m lying. “Where is Tanjiro and the others? Are they okay?” Was the only thing you could think of.

“Hmm.. They’re fine. Just like you, they were pretty injured, but they’ll be alright. Tanjiro and Zenitsu are still in bed sleeping, while Inosuke is training even though we said that he’s not fully recovered..” She exclaimed casually, with a dead smile on her face.

“Oh, that’s good. Ah now I can be at ease.” You sighed.

“But!! You still have to go back, you’re also not recovered yet and you have to take it easy!” She reassured.

“Oh, no no no no— I’m totally fine right now, it’s just my arm, that’s it, haha..” You said trying to excuse yourself.

“Is that so?” She leaned onto you, looking at you for a second making you feel the weird feeling again.

“Y-Yeah..”

She looked at you again, just to make sure. “Alright, that’s good! I’ll be on my way to the wisteria garden, goodbye, (Y/N)-San!”

“Wait— No! Can I come with, maybe? I don’t know what else to do.” You asked, wanting to talk to the fellow hashira a little more.

“Oh. Sure, it would be fun with company I suppose!” She said with a reassuring smile.

You smiled back, following her as you both started walking towards the wisteria garden.

You’ve never really had this interaction with Shinobu once. Of course you’ve talked before, but never alone.

When you arrived to your destination, you both sat down by the wooden floor.

The whole garden was full of wisteria trees, it was glowing all purple and beautiful.

“I’ve only been here once, and I haven’t noticed how nice it actually is until now, damn..” You exclaimed and huffed.

“The wisteria garden is my favorite place here. I happen to visit this place ever so often when I feel down.” Shinobu said as she looked around.

“Feel down? You always seem to look cheerful and happy (yet scary-) all the time. Also, you did say that you like coming here when you feel down, we’re you feeling bad earlier?” You asked curiously.

“Well,” Shinobu began as her facial expression started to change into a rather disappointing one.. or maybe frustrating and sad.

“Every person who’s acting happy all the time always have something hiding deep inside, am I wrong? I’m guessing that’s just how I am.” She continued.

“Believe it or not, I’m actually frustrated at myself all the time. I get so angry.” She said and looked down at herself.

“How so?” You wanted to hear more, you wanted to help her.

“...Did you know I had a sister, (Y/N)-san?” The insect hashira asked.

“Unfortunately, I did not, Kocho-sama..” You answered, you were rather shocked inside, you never really knew she had a sister.

“She used to be a member of the hashira. A very kind hearted hashira, let alone kind hearted to everyone, even if it was a demon. She never showed hatred to anyone. She slayed every demon with kindness. She did all of that all because she knew that they were a human before. And she knew that the demons never wanted to be demons, and had no choice to slaughter humans only to survive. She understood them.” She began.

“But, she got all caught up that moment, a demon was able to get to her and take her life. Only if I was as strong as her, I could’ve saved her. She was the best sister in the world, I’m so selfish.” She started tearing up. You’ve never seen this side of her, ever. Knowing her story, you feel so bad for her and wanting to be there for her forever.

“But hey! Look at the bright side, I took her place in the hashira and I met you! She’s probably out there somewhere, hopefully she’s proud of me.” Shinobu wiped off her tears just like that, and covered all of it with a smile.

“Kocho-sama..” You hugged her tightly without thinking, feeling the sensation of the feeling from earlier coming back.

“I’m so sorry for that, it must’ve been so tragic and traumatizing for you.” You continued.

“...It’s alright (Y/N)-San, I’m all fine now! Besides, I got to meet you!” She exclaimed as she hugged back.

You chuckled and let go, yet you still wanted to hold her tight like that.

“(Y/N)-san... You know, I always felt love and appreciation when I was around her. I loved her so much, and she loved me too. After her death, I thought I would never feel the same ever again. But that was until I met you, (Y/N)-San! You made me feel happier when you came. There was just something about you that caught my eye... You’re just like my sister. You’re so kind and sweet to everyone, and so very strong. You don’t kill demons just to pleasure yourself, you kill demons to save people and make them happy. And you know the fact that they never were supposed to get turned into demons. You’re just very different. You made me feel loved again.” She exclaimed, and smiled with closed eyes at you.

You felt your heart skip a beat that very moment from her saying. You felt tingling inside your stomach again, the feeling of butterflies flying around and wanting to leave your body.

“I love you a lot, (Y/N)-San!” She exclaimed as she got slightly tinted light red in her cheeks.

The feeling got more intense and you felt like you were going to pass out. Was this what she meant by love? It’s such a strong feeling, you can’t handle it, at least when she feels love towards you too. You were so happy and excited.

“Kocho-sama I-“ You began

Shinobu caught you with a kiss.

You sat there for a second trying to process what was going on. Was this actually happening? Is she really kissing you? Shinobu Kocho herself? You couldn’t believe it, you were so happy at this moment you kissed her back.

“You don’t have to call me Kocho-sama, it’s fine, (Y/N)-San!” She said with a smile painted on her face.

You smiled back and hugged her again, this time tighter than ever only with your right arm.

She chuckled and hugged you back.

“I love you too, Shinobu.”

#Demon slayer #Kimetsu no yaiba #Demon slayer fanfiction #KNY x reader #Shinobu Kocho #Shinobu Kocho x reader #Fanfiction #Angst #Fluff

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wayward-mikaelson · 3 years

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Shallow (Dean Winchester x F! Reader)

Word Count: 4549

About: Set during S15 finale, so SPOILERS. You and the boys pick up a vamp hunt while at a Pie Festival. The hunt ends tragically.

Characters: Dean, Sam, Jody, Cas, Young Dean (s15), Lyla (OC)

Pairing: Dean Winchester x F! Reader (Anyone can obviously read it)

Warnings/Trigger Warnings: Language, Angst, Character Death, Depression (mentioned), Time Jumps.

A/N: It's been while since I did a SPN fic! Writing it made me miss the them more!

A/N 2: This might need some tissues.

***This work contains content for the 18 and up crowd, so please read at your discretion. This work is cross posted on other sites. Please don't copy and paste my work; I work too hard on all my stories. You my copy the link to share or you may reblog. I am NOT taking requests at this time. Feedback is welcomed!***

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Supernatural Tags: @lyarr24

Dean/Jensen Tags: @akshi8278 @sandlee44 @squirrelnotsam @thougts-and-funnies

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You laid there, feeling the cool body paint move around on your back. Dean’s gentle fingers tracing over your back could put you to sleep. This had been the most calm and rest you had in the last couple years. You deserved it! Hell, Dean deserved it more than you. He had been fighting longer than you ever had.

Dean and you crossed paths six years ago during a demon hunt. It really was your hunt and you wouldn’t want to admit it, but you really weren’t doing too hot. You were extremely lucky the Winchester’s stumbled across your hunt when they did. If it weren’t for them you’d probably be some demon's meat suit or doing the conga in hell with the devil himself. That was until you learned of where the devil really was a few years later.

You and Dean rarely got along over the first few years. The two of you always butted heads and argued during most hunts. It annoyed Sam so much that he actually told the two of you “Sleep together already! I can’t take the sexual tension and the bickering any longer.”

It didn’t take longer after that for Dean to grab your face and kiss you.

“Are you done back there?” You tried to twist a bit but a hand gently pushed you back into place.

“Nope,” Dean enunciated the word. “Almost. This is going to look epic though.”

“Doesn’t need to be the Sistine Chapel,” You buried your face back into the pillow.

Dean gasped. “Excuse me? Your back deserves a painting better than the Sistine Chapel. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t give you the best?”

You chuckled and mumbled something into the pillow.

Once Dean was finished, he reached for his phone and took a picture of it. “There we go,” you heard the smile in his voice. “Now that’s what I like to call the Sistine Back. Here, take a look.”

You lifted your head to see Dean lay on his side next to you. A huge smile painted his face as he showed the screen of his phone to you. What you saw, had you laughing uncontrollably. “Oh, Dean,” you breathed in between laughs. “This is better than the Sistine Chapel. I love it!”

Dean’s face lit up so bright, it could have brightened up the dimly lit room. “Yeah? Maybe I should get this printed out big enough to fit the ceiling in here.”

You shook your head as laughter took over your body once again. “Oh, God, yes! We can stare at the hamburger and apple pie every night we have sex.”

“Yeah,” Dean pushed you onto your back, getting the body paints onto the sheets under you. He plants a gentle kiss to the base of your neck, making you shiver through your entire body. Dean began to kiss down your body until he got to your belly. He looked up at you with those bright green eyes. Instead of slinking down further, he crept back up and hovered over you. Those eyes seemed to stare right into your soul. This man has shown you more love than any other man, including your father, has ever shown you. “I love you, don’t you ever forget that.”

“Never,” you reached up, wrapped your arms around his necK and pulled him to your lips. “I have a surprise for you.” Twisted to the side and pulled a piece of paper out of the side table drawer and handed it to him. You watched as his face lit up and looked between the paper and your face.

“A pie festival?” The excitement was clear as day in his voice. “Oh, Sweetheart, we are so going to this thing. The three of us. A huge family road trip.”

And that’s what you all did.

It was the best trip you all had. Dean tried every single pie he could get his hands on. You and Sam watched as he ate each slice. Looking like he was in heaven with each bite he took. It made you happy to see him so at peace not worrying about anything. There’s no end of the world evil to take care of. There hadn’t been for awhile.

LIfe seemed to be normal.

“You gotta try this one,” Dean sat next to you with another big box full of piece samples. He gave you a fork and pushed a pie towards you. “Don’t give it that look. It’s a honey apple pie with a tad bit of rosemary. So much sweeter than normal apple pie.” You took a small bite and Dean was right. It was sweeter.

“Not going to lie, that was pretty good,” you went for another bite.

“So, guys, get this,” Sam sat down with a newspaper in hand. Can’t be a fun trip unless Sam had his paper to look at. “There was a kidnapping last night. Father murdered and the mother’s tongue cut out. Both kids are missing.”

“Okay, doesn’t sound like our kind of thing,” you reach for the paper. “Maybe leave it to the local PD?” Suddenly, Dean took the paper from your hands and stared at the picture to the article of the tragic story.

“I’ve seen this before,” he mumbled. “Do we still have Dad’s journal?”

“Yeah, why?” Sam asked.

“I think I’ve seen these masks before.”

And Dean. Once he found the drawing John Winchester drew years ago, they matched the ones in the paper. You guys were looking at a pair of masked vamps and you guys were pretty much the closest hunters to take care of it.

“It’s one little hunt,” Dean shrugged as he checked out the weapons in the trunk. “Why don’t we take care of it and then head on home.”

It didn’t take long for you guys to locate the missing children. They were being held in an old barn on the outskirts of town. There three of you, so it shouldn’t be too hard to fight a small nest of vamps. You guys have taken out larger nests in the past.

“Come on, just this once?” Dean had asked. You peaked your head around the trunk and saw Dean holding up ninja stars with a huge smile on his face. Sam on the other hand just stared at him and shook his head.

“Not this time, man.”

Dean put the stars away while mumblings about how Sam was no fun. You smiled and patted him on the back and told him that there will be another time to use them. Dean gumbled some more and you had to remind him that you book a separate motel room away from Sam and that you brought some fun toys.

Even his favorite one to use on you.

Getting into the barn was too easy. Sam and Dean fought the two vamps that jumped out, making it easier for you to grab the two kids and get them to the impala. Once you strapped them in, you were making your way towards the driver side, you were tackled by one of the vamps.

The two of you wrestled in the dirt until you were able to break away and grab hold of your machete. You get to your feet and are tackled again, this time the vamp pins you firmly to the ground. The vamp removed his mask and bit down onto your neck, making you cry out. When the vamp pulled back, you took that small opening to headbutt him and kick in in the groin. You rolled away and quickly stood up and swung your machete. The vamp's head rolled onto the ground. You looked up and saw the terrified look on the children’s face.

“Hey, it’s okay,” you told them when you opened their door. You pulled the blankets over them and gave them some water and the sandwiches you made. “Drink and eat, we’ll get you home soon.” You heard it go quiet in the barn. It was too quiet and something in you told you something wasn’t right. “Hang on tight,” you closed the door and ran inside the barn.

What you saw, it almost knocked the wind out of you. There, Dean’s back was pressed firmly against a wooden pillar with a pained expression on his face. You ran up to him and looked at the damage and felt the tears fall as your heart begin to break.

Dean wasn’t going to come back from this.

“Dean,” you whispered as you met his eyes.

“I know, sweetheart,” He winced as he spoke. You saw his breathing get deeper and more shallow. “I love you. Don’t you forget that when you find someone else.” You squeezed your eyes shut because there was nothing you can do or say that will change the outcome of this. You felt Dean’s hand on your face pulling you towards his lips.

This kiss wasn’t like past kisses. It was firm and passionate and slow. He wanted you to remember this kiss for years to come. “Until we meet again,” Dean whispered, pressing his forehead to yours.

“Take care of her, Sam,” Dean added.

Everything that followed after that, felt like a dream. Your body felt heavy as you drove the kids to the nearest police station with some story about how you found them. The man that you loved, the man who you spent many nights talking about some kind of future, that man was now gone.

When you got back to the barn, the sun was just beginning to rise. You saw Sam sitting next to a covered up heap and the realization, again, hit you hard. The cover heap was Dean’s body. You stopped the impala and got out. Sam looked up at you with red eyes. You knew he had been crying hard. Probably as hard as you had. Sam got up and effortlessly picked up Dean and placed him in the back seat.

The whole way back to the bunker, neither of you spoke. You just took turns crying and driving. Stopping on the side of the road and just letting the other scream out in whatever pain the two of you had left in your bodies.

Back at the bunker, the two of you worked and got a pyre ready. When it was ready, you watched as Sam carried his big brother's body and gently placed it on the wooden display. You stood, with Miracle standing next to you. She had been whimpering off and on. She knew Dean was up there. You knelt down and let her nuzzle you while you let some more tears fall. Miracle was all you had left of Dean now.

Sam had some trouble lighting the pyre so you went up and helped it light it. Soon, the pyre and Dean were on fire. Then the two of you stared at it until it was nothing but ash.

***

You sat in Jody’s spare room while Miracle laid at your feet. You still wished all of this were a dream because neither you nor Sam, could adjust to the new reality that Dean was gone. So the two of you packed up what you could and left the bunker.

You guys drove until you were on Jody’s doorstep at midnight. She knew something was wrong when she looked deeply into your faces and asked where Dean was. When she saw the tears in your guys eyes, her whole face fell. She pulled the two of you into the tightest hug and held on tightly as the three of you cried silently.

A gentle knock on your door startled you. You got up and answered the door and saw Sam standing there. He was dressed in fresh clothes holding two cups of coffee.

“Are you, uh, doing okay?” Sam asked as you took the coffee from him. “I know it’s a stupid question but…”

You gave a pained smile, “I know I’ll be okay, but I feel like I won’t be okay. I’ve tried praying to Jack but I’m pretty sure he’s busy fixing Heaven.” You recount the hours you cried out to Jack about the loss of Dean. You cried about how you wanted him back. You cried about how you were supposed to move on from an epic love like that. You cried about how you just missed him and needed him to make it better.

“Same here,” Sam ran his hands through his hair. “I’m going to go look at places, apartments, that we can share and see what kind of jobs we can get. Do you want to come along?”

You took a deep breath and looked at the ground. “Not today, maybe tomorrow. I really want to spend time alone and process these last couple days.”

“Okay, no worries,” Sam nodded his head. “I’ll see you when I come back.”

“Okay.”

You waited until Sam had been gone for an hour to pack your bags again and head down stairs. You were in the process of opening the door when you heard someone behind you. Turning around you saw Jody standing in the entryway with you. She didn’t say anything, she just pulled a pair of keys out of the bowl next to her and handed them to you.

“Call me when you're safe,” she placed a hand on your face and gave you a smile. “I can’t bear to lose another kid.” A few tears slipped down her cheek.

Agreeing to call her, you slipped out the door and to the car Jody let you use. You got in and made sure Miracle was settled in the passenger seat. Then you were on your way out of town. You weren’t sure where you would go but you knew you needed to get far away from everything.

You needed to start fresh somewhere.

***

Years have passed and you’ve found that the pain of losing Dean has lessened. You’re able to have random memories of him without crying or hours and days on end. You were able to wake up without feeling like there was a hole on your chest. You were finally able to tell Sam why you ran after you were states away. You promised him it would be for a bit and that you’ll contact him.

Sadly, that day never came.

Two months after losing Dean you began to feel sick. You weren’t sure if it was the stress of losing Dean or starting a new life or both. So, off you went to the doctors and there you sat on the papery bed feeling like you were hit by a truck. The words that the doctor told you, they echoed around in your head.

“And the father?” the words were almost like a whisper in your already loud and spinning head.

“What?” you shook your head.

“That father?” the doctor repeated. “What do you know about the father?”

You took a deep breath and looked at the ground. “Um, he’s not in the picture.” Your voice had been quiet. Your heart felt like it had been breaking all over again. Part of you couldn’t believe this was happening. Part of you believed it, Dean and you were never really safe when it came to sex.

“One night stand? We do have options,” the doctor began to say.

“No no,” you shook your head. “The father, he’s um...he passed away.” You choked on the words. Hearing it out loud, made his death all the more real.

“My apologies,” The doctor whispered.

You took the pamphlets and walked out of the doctors. You didn’t know what you would do. This was all so new and all so painful at the same time. Dean was supposed to be here with you whenever this happened. In the end, you chose to keep the baby. You called Jody and Donna and told them, making them both promise not to tell Sam.

Over the years, you heard about Sam through Donna and Jody. He got married and had a kid of his own. You wanted to reach out but at this point it had been years and the two of you had settled into non hunting life. It wouldn’t be fair to disrupt it.

As more years passed, you saw Lyla become more and more like her father. She had his green eyes and his smile. She was smart and would get her hands on just about anything and that made you wonder, where did she get that from. Smart brains ran on both sides. Maybe something from Sam or something from your father. She loved pie just as much as Dean, and you’d take her to the pie festival every year.

As Lyla grew, she asked about Dean from time to time and you told her what you could. You also told her that when she turned into an adult you would tell her more, that telling her while she was young and child wouldn’t be safe or wise. In the meantime, you told her all the things asked about.

“What was Daddy’s favorite food?”

“What did Daddy like to do for fun?”

“What was Daddy’s favorite color?”

“Did Daddy have a favorite movie?”

The questions were endless, but you loved to answer them. Then one day, Lyla came up to you one morning, her dark hair looking like a bird's nest. Her face was beaming with happiness.

“Mommy,” Lyla’s voice was an octave higher. “Did you know, Daddy is in Heaven?”

You almost choked on your coffee. “What, Sweetie?”

“Daddy, he’s in Heaven. An angel told me,” she walked off and grabbed her stuffed chicken, one that she named Chickie Meow Meow, and hugged it tightly.

“What angel?” you asked. You got up and began to check all your warding, the ones that kept the bad creatures out. Everything seemed to be in place, even that salt that still blended in with your window panels. Then you checked to see if Lyla still wore the anti-possesion charm necklace you had made for her. She still did. “What did the angel look like?”

“He wore a funny brown jacket,” she answered. “He said his name was Cas. He wanted me to tell you that Daddy is fine. That they are looking over us.” You pulled Lyla into a hug and let some tears fall.

***

You walked into that old abandoned barn. You had left Lyla with Jody for the weekend. You sat down and placed all that you needed to summon Cas. You didn’t want to pray, you knew Cas all too well, he probably wouldn’t show up. But if you summoned him, you knew he had no choice but to come and see you. You lit the match and dropped it into the bowl and waited.

“Y/N” The deep, rough voice said your name.

You turned to see Cas standing there. In the same thing that he had been taken away in. But it was cleaner. “How are you alive?” you asked outright.

“Jack, he brought me back,” Cas took a few steps closer to you. “You know you could have prayed and I would have come.”

“But would you?” you gave the angel a smirk and raised your eyebrows.

“I did it for Lyla,” Cas looked into your eyes. “She prayed about Dean and wanted to know if he was in Heaven. I thought it best that it was me to come to her.”

You looked down, you couldn’t bear to look into the angel's blue eyes. You always assumed things and that always backfired and kicked you in the ass. “Then why didn’t you come to me when I cried out to you or to Jack?”

“I did,” Cas closed the distance and placed a hand under your chin and lifted your face to meet his eyes. “Each night that you cried yourself to sleep, I was there sitting at the foot of your bed. Each night that you drank yourself to sleep, before you found out you were pregnant, I sat there and rubbed your back the way Dean told me too. Then when you were in that delivery room all by yourself, I was there to make sure things went smoothly. Then when you were sleeping, I memorized everything there was about Lyla. I have watched over the two of you these last nine years. Dean would be so proud of how far you have come.”

You stood there and cried silently as Cas spoke. “Cas,” you whispered, wiping the tears from your face. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I can’t be on Earth as much, Jack and I are still fixing Heaven but I can tell you that Dean is waiting for you.” Cas moved his hand to your shoulder. “I have to go, but I was told to tell you, I love you by Dean.”

Then you were alone.

***

Twelve year passed and you’re helping Lyla with a college event. She had just turned twenty-one and was nearly done with her bachelor degree. At this point, she knew all that there was to Dean. She knew he was a hunter, that he saved the world countless times, that he had some faults, and so on.

Lyla knew of what goes bump in the night. She’s read every note and the journal you kept during the time you had been hunting. When she asked if Dean kept one, you had told her that he didn’t. That he used his fathers and you weren’t sure where that ended up. Lyla even went above and got whatever protection tattoos down her spine.

So, while you’re helping Lyla you had a boy, about nineteen years old come up to the booth and look around. He looked familiar to you. He wore a long sleeve flannel, that was probably why. Sam and Dean always wore flannel. That was probably why and it made you miss the younger Winchester. You should have kept in contact with him or at least told him of Lyla.

“Y/N?” A familiar voice called out to you.

You turned around and your heart just about fell from your chest. There standing with grey hair, was Sam Winchester. He hadn’t changed too much except for the hair and the fact that he wore glasses. He still looked like the Sam Winchester you knew all those years ago.

“Sam?” You crossed your arms.

“The one and only,” he smiled. “What are you doing here?”

Before you could answer, Lyla came up to you. “Mom, we’re going to need some more pamphlets, we’re just about out.” You turned to Lyla who saw Sam. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“It’s okay, take my keys and you can go print some out at the UPS down the street,” You motioned to your bag.

After Lyla had left you turned back to Sam who had watched her the whole time. It was like he knew. “So, you have a kid too?” You heard the tone in his voice. Lyla looked so much like Dean these days, you knew someone from your past was bound to notice. Sam most of all.

“Yeah,” you answer quietly. “Her name’s Lyla.”

“Cool, that’s great you found someone to populate the Earth with,” Sam gestured towards you. That tone he held was still there. The look in his eyes was the very same one he used on you when he called you out on yours and Dean’s sexual tension.

“You know, don’t you?” you lowered your arms.

“She looks a lot like Dean,” Sam whispered. “Is that why you ran? Is that why I never heard from you?” You stared at Sam and tried to hold back your emotions. “Dean’s final words were to take care of you. I failed at that when you ran.”

“You failed when you didn’t come and look for me,” you lashed out. “I thought you would have looked for me despite everything I told you. You should have found me. Then I find out through Jody your married and have a kid, I thought it best not to mess up what you got for yourself.”

Sam stared at you and nodded. “I should have and I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too,” you whispered and looked around. The boy in the flannel was still there. Then it hit you. “Is that?”

“My son,” Sam’s face lit up brighter than you’ve ever seen it. “His name is Dean.”

For the next five years you kept in touch with Sam. You guys spent holidays and birthdays with each other. That was, until you got sick and the doctors couldn’t help you. So, in your hospital room, Sam sat beside you. He wasn’t doing too well either, but he held your hand and smiled at you.

“Tell Dean I said hi,” were the last words you heard.

***

When your eyes opened again, you were sitting on a bench. Around you was a field of just plain old grass and a few trees. You knew this place all too well. You stood and realized you were back in your younger body. Having that kind of movement again, it was amazing. You began to walk around, feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin. It all felt nice and it made you smile.

“Hey, Sweetheart.”

You spun around at the familiar sound. There he stood, looking handsome as ever in his jacket and leaning against the Impala with that heartwarming smile. “Dean,” you said his name like he hadn’t been dead for almost three decades.

Dean pushed himself off the impala and closed the distance between the two of you. He placed a hand on your cheek and brushed his calloused thumb over it. You closed your eyes and took in the touch. “You know, time is different up here. It doesn’t feel like it’s been twenty-six years.” Then he pressed his lips to yours and the feel almost knocked you off your feet.

“Are we allowed to kiss in Heaven?” you pulled away from him.

“I don’t think Jack minds,” Dean smiled and gathered you into his arms and pressed his lips more firmly to his. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pressed yourself against him. “Wanna go for a ride?” He asked when he pulled away.

“Sure, I missed this beauty.” You ran your hand along the impala and just as you were about to get in, Dean staring at you caught your eye. “What?”

“Cas says you had a baby,” Dean crossed his arms on top of the hood. “I have to ask…”

You smiled at him and leaned on the hood as well. “She’s yours and she’s incredible. Loves pie just like her daddy. I thought Cas would’ve told you.”

“Time moves differently up here,” Dean repeated what he said earlier. “What’s her name?”

“Lyla,” you smiled. “Lyla Winchester.”

“I wish I got to know her,” Dean spoke softly.

“You will,” you got into the passenger side. “I can tell you all you want about her.”

Dean followed you into the impala. “I don’t have to worry about some random dude coming here and claiming you as his wife or something?”

“Nope,” You sat back. “Now drive or I’ll start walking.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

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comradekatara · 4 years

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Hey I'm new to your blog and I love it!! I'm just confused though... Who exactly do you ship from atla? I've been looking through your posts off and on today and there are some posts for example where it seems like you do like kataang and then older posts make it seem like you don't? Also I have no clue what Litara is?? Thanks 😊

so i have mixed feelings on katara/aang. i know there are people who dislike it because katara is like “a mom” to aang, but that simply isn’t true. they are both kids, and that’s the reason why they’re initially drawn to each other (see: going penguin sledding). to say that katara treats aang like a son is some bullshit, and a fundamental misinterpretation of katara’s character. they are the most important person in each other’s lives, and they are best friends. what i dislike about the way their dynamic is portrayed, though, is the episodes which explore their romance (not all of them! just some of them). these episodes feel cliched and tired, employing lazy shorthand to indicate that they’re “meant for each other.”

romance was never one of atla’s strongsuits. i would even go as far as to say it’s their weakest link, writing-wise. in a show that otherwise excels in writing three-dimensional characters, where romance is concerned, the writing falls flat. i think sokka and suki work really well together, but even then, suki obviously isn’t explored to the same degree as the rest of the gaang. i love sokka and yue’s tragic romance (because even i can be a little bitchbaby sometimes), but their buildup is definitely underdeveloped. mai and zuko getting back together at the end of the show is completely nonsensical, because zuko has done nothing to prove that he won’t continue to be a shitty boyfriend to mai, and mai deserves better. (and don’t even get me started on that lok love triangle.)

we talk a lot about how atla (and lok!!!) is a show created by two whites, and the intense insensitivity of its portrayal of the tibetan genocide, the way in which its lore draws so heavily on hindu theology & philosophy and yet their one south asian character is a caricature, the way sandbenders are a racist caricature of mena ppl, using the name lake laogai, mispronouncing/misspelling asian names, i could go on... but i just remembered that’s not the point of this post. lmao. anyway. atla is also a show created by two men. and while i genuinely believe that katara is one of, if not the best, teenage girl characters ever portrayed on tv, there are definite flaws, as well as assumptions made, where romance is concerned.

for example, the fact that people thought katara was in a “love triangle” with aang and zuko is absurd. i mean, i can see why people thought that. i’ve read the powerpoints about why zuko and katara should have “ended up together” because they’re like romeo & juliet or whatever (you know, how romeo terrorized juliet for most of the play and juliet hated him? we all remember that, right??), and i get why there’s an appeal. but it’s not a love triangle, because zuko was never a contender. but people still wanted to treat katara as if she was a prize to be won, and let the best man win. which is deeply sexist, plain n simple.

audiences are romance-obsessed due to society & the media’s constant insistence that romance is the only way for a woman to find personal fulfillment (watch crazy ex girlfriend all seasons streaming now on netflix). i reject the idea that katara had to “end up” with someone by the end of the show, and not only “end up,” but “stay with together forever, marry, and have three kids with.” katara is fourteen. aang is twelve. yes they have crushes on each other, and love each other deeply, but they are kids. romance isn’t necessary.

the love katara and aang have for each other is a fundamental pillar of the show, and their love for each other is deep and poignant. up until the moment lazy shorthand is employed to indicate that their feelings are romantic. they’re still cute, but these moments are cliched as all hell, and the thing about romance cliches is that romantic cliches promote sexism. whoops!

the original character of li (invented by me, chell, julie klausner, and inspired by my friend’s ex-boyfriend who is the most amenable and polite man i have probably ever met) is, in essence, a thought experiment in which we provide katara the perfect man whose entire life revolves around happily attending to her needs. if she wants to spend all her time in the south pole because that is where her family and her tribe is and also she is chief which is kind of a hands-on job, actually, he will gladly move there for her. one of his side hobbies is that he is a masterclass chef, and so he cooks every meal for her. whenever katara has to deal with a bunch of particularly stubborn idiots that day, he just sits there and listens to her rant, never interjecting with his own opinions. his baggage never gets in the way of her baggage, because he is his therapist’s best patient. it’s heterosexual rights!

at risk of explaining the joke, basically, he is what bryke (and gene yang–ugh) think katara would be for aang......which obviously isn’t in line with what aang as a character would want for katara, but she was never confirmed to be the chief of the swt either, and that’s fucked up! katara is a character with so much agency, but to make her the love interest for the protagonist, regardless of how wonderful said protagonist is, and how much he adores and supports her (which, to be clear, he absolutely does!), strips her of some of that agency by virtue of being a female character written by men. i love katara and aang, and i love the love they have for each other. but ideally, to me at least, the show would have ended on their hug, not their kiss. a romance between them can be implied, but it would have been more open-ended. because romance isn’t necessary, not when you’re in middle school, and frankly, not ever.

#i cant speak for chell tho #but i think she agrees with me #like its not awful by any means #but its not well written either #and we only like good writing :)#so thats why #analysis #asks #yawningvevo

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mimik-u · 3 years

Text

“Homeworld Bound” Thoughts:

I wasn’t going to watch this one today, but then I realized that I really missed the Diamonds and wanted to consume novel content, so!

OOH, good on the show for taking us directly to the aftermath of “Fragments” instead of putting space between the episodes. That’s just... a really good choice narrative wise.

Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl’s expressions are so distressing here. He’s been gone for three days; they must’ve been so worried.

Jasper steps aside to reveal an absolutely ruined Steven.

He just technically killed a gem and then resurrected her. How intensely will that forever lie on his psyche? Oh my g od

NO, NOT JASPER PASSIVELY MAKING THE DIAMOND SIGN IN THE BACKGROUND AUGH

“You can’t just disappear for days without telling us!”

Steven silent walking up to the Observatory as the Gems continue to freak the fuck out is harrowing. And Dee Dee Magno Hall is killing it with her voice acting here. The simultaneous fear and anger and horror in her voice. Oh my g d

“You guys... I love you, but you can’t help me anymore. I’ve been avoiding the only people in the entire universe who can.” 🥺 This is sad, but I’m also, like, problematic grandmas time!!!!!

“Find something better to do with your life.” God, Jasper’s look of disbelief and sadness here. I didn’t really delve into this during my “Fragments” watch because I was just roridoodwrjfkrkeke reeling, but her reaction to being accidentally shattered is psychologically devastating???? I’d wager that she simultaneously respects the fact that she’s been subjugated by a being more powerful than her, that she’s grateful to Steven for being both subjugator and savior, and likely, she’s conflating this new loyalty with her former loyalty for Pink. This is a really complex psyche (a tragic one most of all).

Garnet: “Steven, remember, we’ll always be your family.” I’m so fucki n emo

AWHWHWH, HOMEWORLD IS SO BRIGHT AND COLORFUL NOW!!!

YO!! Homeworld has a democracy now!! The Zircons!!!!!!!

THE WALL GEM IS MOVING??????? KWOEOEIDJDKSJS

Can u imagine being a wall cursed with sentience. that is so funny on so many levels

But it’s also really interesting, too. If the Wall Gem is a gem in the way say Topazes are gems, which, judging by her mobility, she is—then her explicit purpose in Era 1-2, as molded by presumably Yellow, was to b a wall omg. (Or, arguably, I think it can be argued that the inanimate object Gems, like Comby, were probably accidental sentient creations, made in relationship to their proximity to the Diamonds during their various secretion rituals!!)

Anyway, I love thinking about Homeworld worldbuilding. It’s fascinating.

SQUARE PERIDOT

SPIIIIIINELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Her heart eyes!! She looks so happy!

Steven, angry af: “Spinel, what is wrong with you?” / Spinel: Oh, you know—the usual.” KEKDSKDK

Also, Steven really wanted to say fuck there. NEKDDKKSSKKS

“I was such a wreck then, but I am so much better now.” We stan character growth 😭😭

One thing I have loved the Crewniverse so much for doing is never taking away the physical signs of gems’ mental distress, even after they’ve gotten better: Blue’s eye bags, Volleyball’s eye, Spinel’s running mascara. That is so important.

YELLOW SITTING AT HER LIL VANITY!!

IT’S LIGHT INSIDE HER ROOM! THERE R FLOWERS! THRIVE, QUEEN, THRIVE.

YELLOW REVERSING HER GEM EXPERIMENTS OH MY G D

FUCKING QUEEN!!!!!!

(I’m sorry in advance. The rest of the live blog is just going to be screaming about the Diamonds.)

“I can permanently alter any physical form!” She’s so proud of herself. 😭😭😭 I fuckin’ love her.

Yellow laying down on the ground like that is SENDING ME SKSKSJSJ.

Ugh, and her being such a good mom to Spinel. I’m cry in f

“If anything’s out of proportion, it’s your temper. You can be big if you want to, or you can be small if you want to, but if you’re going to be upset no matter what, then this problem isn’t physical—it’s emotional. Go see Blue.”

I really like her advice here because it’s advice that comments so clearly on her own character arc. At her lowest, she was quick to anger, aggressive, and temperamental, which she diagnoses in Steven here. Additionally, she was the Diamond who was concerned largely with physical actions. She coped by maintaining the Empire through conquering planets and maintaining the minutiae of leadership; she thought the only way to receive justice for Pink was through the physical act of destruction. And in doing so, she pushed her own emotions deep, deep down until they manifested in anger, aggressiveness, and temperamental outbursts. This hurt the people she cared about, and it hurt herself most of all.

Also, “Go see Blue. That is her department.” Ejdoiddjdjjsjdjdks, “go see ur other grandma.”

BLUE FLOATING ON A CLOUD!!!!!

“Your powers have been causing you dramatic mood swings? That seems awfully troubling Steven.” God I love her

“You don’t seem troubled.” This is a really interesting line because it comments on how Blue’s emotions, especially her negatively charged ones, used to be so visible all over her; indeed, she both wittingly and actively used to project them on other Gems, forcing them to feel her suffering, too.

OH, SHE GOES ON TO SAY THE EXACT SAME THING EOEODODISSJJS. LISTEN, I REALLY VIBE WITH BLUE.

“Back before you came into my life, Steven, I wanted every one to feel the pain I felt. I realized I must make up for my awful behavior by bringing joy to others.”

Another thing I’ve appreciated about the writing in this episode: So far, both Blue and Yellow have used the adjective awful to describe their former actions. It’s the self-awareness and the refusal to try to excuse themselves that powerfully shows how much they’ve grown. And it’s their continuous endeavors to keep moving forward, to help the Gems that they’ve hurt, that indicates that they’re willing to constantly keep growing and atoning.

NFOFOFDKSSKSKSK, THESE CLOUDS ARE JUST HER VAPORIZED TEARS HELP.

Sick vape clouds, Blue

I’VE HEARD THE SONG BEFORE, BUT EVERY TIME SHE SINGS, I LOSE MY SHI T

LISA HANNNNIGAAAAAAAN

This is such a pretty line: “Cold palace walls, and endless empty halls, haunted by echoes of laughter.”

BLUE ASCENDING THROUGH THE CLOUDS AUSHAHHSHD

BLUE MAKING HEART CLOUDS FOR SPINEL!!

BLUE CALLING SPINEL N STEVEN HER LITTLE REASONS WHY.

“I’LL NEVER MAKE YOU CRY.” This line is particularly lovely because I think it plays well with Steven’s line to her in “CYM:” “How many times did you make her cry?”

BDJDJDJSJDJ, BLUE LAYING ON HER CLOUD LIKE YELLOW LAID ON THE FLOOR.

The way she sings the last “loving you.” 😭😭😭😭 I’m gonna weep. I love her so fucking much.

“I found happiness. If that's not something you think you deserve, then I suspect this is an issue of self worth. I suggest you go to White for assistance with such matters.” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 And like Yellow did, Blue gets to the heart of her arc cleanly.

Before Steven and before her own emotional reckoning, she didn’t think it was her place to be happy: “I know my purpose isn’t to be happy.” But in learning to love others, Blue has found true, inner happiness, which she literally shares with others. Wow.

And I think there’s something powerful in her distinction between true happiness and self-worth. You can’t find one without espousing the other.

White’s room is so pretty. 🥺

THE FLASHING STROBE LIGJTS DDNJDFJDJDNF.

SPINEL WHITE DIAMOND?!/!:$;8;83&:&:

SHE FUCKING LETS OTHER GEMS CONTROL HE R HELP.

SPINEL MAKING WHITE TAP DANCE FICODODOFODJDNDJSJDJDJJDDJDJ

Steven’s horrified expression omg

“I’m scared I’m gonna hurt people; I guess I already have.” God.

And that’s another thing that this episode has called to mind. Blue, Yellow, and White alike once used their insane powers to hurt other Gems and to hurt themselves, and here, throughout this series, we see Steven discovering that same capacity for destruction and self-destruction. Along with the systematic oppressions they facilitated, a big part of the Diamonds’ modus operandi was that their powers were directly correlated to their mental states and their various inabilities to confront their own selves and effect inner change. The corrective wasn’t necessarily Steven; the corrective was him helping them to do that initial act of introspection and looking inwards. And so, too, will Steven have to do the same by the end of this series. But I presume that his family, all the people and gems who have loved and cared for him, will in effect be his Steven, just as he has always been for them.

“Half a Diamond, half a creature of Earth—in all the universe there's no one else that could know what you’re going through, so maybe it's time you talked to yourself.” This is so viscerally sad. White hits the nail on the head here. Steven’s human friends/family and his gem family and even the Diamonds, who come the closest to matching his own strength, can never fully understand him. It’s the tension that underscores a lot, if not the entire show.

White briefly touches Steven with her nail, and you can viscerally see the trauma on his face; he hasn’t forgotten her act above all, wrenching his gem out, nearly killing him.

“I’m... I’m a Diamond.” Steven, in looking at White Diamond, realizes that she’s a mirror of himself. Holy fucking shit

“I don’t want to be you! I don’t want to be anything like you!” HOLY FUCKING SHIT

“Don’t hurt me! She can’t hurt me! I’m controlling her...” And here, Steven doesn’t light upon the essential thing... in making White punch the wall, nearly knocking a huge rock into him, he’s the one hurting himself.

This show, oh my g o d

“She’s the one who should be afraid.” STEVEN?!!!!????!??!

“No, stop it! I don’t like this!” / “Please, you’re scaring me.” OH MY GO D

HE FUCKING MADE HER SLAM HER GEM AGAINST A PILLAR HOLY HE LL

“What... what was that?” Christine’s delivery here. Holy shit. 😭😭 And both of them are surrounded in the carnage of Steven’s wrath. Holy fucking shit.

This act is fundamentally different than him accidentally shattering Jasper in “Fragments”; this was an intentional attempt to hurt White, to crack her, to break her. Holy fucking shit

Spinel, Blue, and Yellow waiting for Steven outside of White’s door has my heart a little and a lot tender 🥺🥺🥺🥺

SPINEL SINGING I CAN MAKE A CHANGE SO DRAMATICALLY DJDIDJDJDJDJD. (But yeah, lmao, this will absolutely be the conclusion of Steven’s arc at the end of Future.)

“Steven! Let us help you, Steven!” The Diamonds are so concerned (mirroring the Gems back at home, too). 😭😭

He leaves a flip flop behind like Cinderella lmao

“Steven, let us help you!” / “We’re your family!” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

And just as he implored the CGs, he tells the Diamonds not to follow him either.

Steven is completely and utterly alone.

Not by necessity.

But God, by choice.

Okay, this is my new favorite Future episode.

#blue diamond #white diamond #yellow diamond #steven universe #spinel #s: future #mimiku #DIEOEODJDDNSNSJJD #this episode really did it for me

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petersasteria · 3 years

Note

💌- sam holland//mad hatter

I don’t write for Sam Holland, but I’ll make an exception.

𝐌𝐀𝐃 𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑 - "𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐢'𝐦 𝐩𝐬𝐲𝐜𝐡𝐨, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐢'𝐦 𝐠𝐨𝐧𝐞, 𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐬𝐲𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠"

Warning: it gets weirder and it’s not for the fainthearted. Probably not for minors as well. There’s no smut tho... only mentions of sex. You have been warned. Welcome to the weird side of my mind. 2.5k words

“Hello, Sam.” The psychiatrist greeted with a smile. Sam looked at her and only gave her a nod. “Is there any reason why you’re here today, Sam? A little birdie told me you needed some help. What happened?”

Sam looked at her with fear in his eyes as tears clouded his vision. He shakes his head and whimpered, “I’m not crazy. I’m normal! I swear, I am! I’m not crazy, but she is.”

“No one’s saying you’re crazy.” The psychiatrist smiled. She had a kind face and she was mother-like. The job suited her because her voice is calm and soothing. “Who is she?”

Sam closed his eyes as vivid flashbacks replayed on his mind. It flashed in his mind like it was being played on a projector and he was the only audience. He took a deep breath and said, “She lived two streets away...”

Sam never really went out a lot, but when he would go out, he’d stay out all day. The rest of the family wouldn’t question him as long as he got home safe and sound and unharmed. When he received a bike from his uncle, he thought it’d be best to try it out. After all, it’s been years since he rode a bike and this way, he’d be saving the Earth from pollution if he biked to work instead.

He popped his earphones on and got on his new bike and pedalled. He had no destination in mind and he was confident that he wouldn’t get lost because he grew up in the area and he knew a lot of places like this back of his hand. It was safe to say that he trusted himself and that was important.

He went through a few turns until he reached the other street. There wasn’t much to see, but he waved at a few of the neighbors he knew. When he turned again, he reached another street. It was at this time when he figured that he should go home. Instead of going back the way he came, he just biked straight ahead. He can’t possibly get lost. The streets have names and he knew what his street was and he knew how to get there from different ways.

He eyed at some of the house and inwardly judged at which house he liked best when suddenly he saw an abandoned house. He stopped in front of it and realized that not only was it abandoned, but it was also ruined.

The windows were no longer there and there were shards of glass on the ground. There was no grass and the steps of the front porch were broken. The second floor of the house was nonexistent, but two pillars were there. The walls on the ground floor were destroyed and it looked like the whole place was burned down.

Sam was in shock. He had never seen a house like that before. What he failed to notice was a girl about his age emerging from the bushes that had no leaves anymore.

“Hi there!” The girl grinned. Sam didn’t want to comment about her fashion sense and the way she grinned, so he gave her a small smile and said hello.

The girl moved and stood next to Sam as they faced the ruined house together. No one said anything for a while, but the girl broke it.

“What a shame.” The girl said. She was dressed in quite fancy yet eccentric clothing. She even had a fancy hat and laced gloves on her hands. She was wearing socks on top of her boots as well; another thing Sam failed to notice.

“Yeah, a shame indeed.” Sam nodded. “D’you know the person who lived here?” The girl nodded. Sam asked, “Who lived here?”

“Me.” The girl giggled. “I burned this place down because I’m having a party.”

“I’m sorry. WHAT?” Sam shrieked. He’s never met anyone who would burn the whole place down.

The girl laughed, “All this for a party. How extravagant!”

“What’s the occasion?” Sam asked.

“My whole family died in a tragic vacation accident. I felt the need to celebrate.” The girl grinned.

“Celebrate? Why would you celebrate? You lost your whole family! That must be so traum-”

“It’s the most tremendous news I’ve ever received. They think I’m crazy and I’m glad they’re all gone. That way, no one would judge me and my eccentric ways of living anymore.” The girl clapped happily.

“What’s your name?” Sam looked at her. Despite her weirdness, she was pretty.

“Y/N. What’s yours?”

“Sam.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Sam.” Y/N grinned. She shoved her hand in her pocket and fished out a crumpled card that had very fancy printing. Sam took it from her and he tried to read it, but failed. It was crumpled up really well.

“That’s an invitation to my party later tonight. Wear your BEST attire.” Y/N looked at him up and down, “Don’t wear any of that garbage.”

He was dressed casually. He wore khaki shorts, white sneakers, and a long sleeved shirt, the type of shirt Troy Bolton would wear. On top of that was an old jacket that never closed anymore because the zipper is missing.

Sam nodded and said, “I’ll, uh, do my best then.”

Night time came and he wore a button up and some pants and old sneakers. He hoped it was eccentric enough for the party. He told his family that he was invited by a friend and he went to the party.

Upon arriving at the house, he parked his new bike outside and saw fairy lights everywhere: on the trees, around the two pillars on the second floor, the grass-less ground, the wires and just- everywhere. The party also had balloons, streamers,

He walked to the backyard because he saw that everyone was there. Y/N saw him and grinned, “Sam, you made it! You’re just in time for musical chairs.”

‘Musical chairs?’ He thought to himself. ‘The last time I played musical chairs, I was about 10 years old.’

Y/N grabbed his wrist and led him to the long table. She made him sit next to her and just when he got comfortable, Y/N and the person on his right grabbed his hands as they all got up and moved around the table as if playing “Ring Around The Rosie”. They all sang a song for about a minute and sat down again. Only this time, on different chairs.

Sam looked around the table and he saw everyone eating and talking. He figured he’d do the same, so he grabbed a cookie and took a bite. He hummed in delight as the sweet flavor of the cookie swirled on his taste buds. When he looked up from the cookie, he saw everyone looking at him.

“What’s going on?” Sam asked Y/N.

“You ate the cookie.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just that I saw everyone eating and I figured I should... eat as well.” Sam explained. He felt foolish and embarrassed.

“Only females who have the red tide can eat the breast cookie.” Y/N said.

‘Did she fucking say ‘breast cookie’?!’ Sam asked himself while maintaining a cool expression.

“What’s a breast cookie?”

“The one you just ate. It’s made of breast milk. Regular milk is overrated. We all thank Madame Amanda for providing us with such great breast milk.” Y/N smiled towards a lady who sat a few seats across from her.

“And because Y/N’s guest ate the wrong food, we must fix the curse. Move!” One of them said.

Before Sam knew it, his hands were grabbed and they moved around the table once more. When they got comfy on their new seats, Y/N handed him the food he’s allowed to eat. An hour and 5 more times of switching seats later, ‘musical chairs’ was done.

Everyone stood up from their seats and moved to the center of the backyard. Sam followed Y/N’s actions and was surprised to hear that it was time to drink.

‘Finally some alcohol!’ Sam thought.

He was wrong. He seemed to forget that the people around him weren’t like him.

“What are we drinking?” Sam asked.

“It’s actually a drinking game. We’re all split into three groups and whichever group finishes the fastest, wins.” Y/N grinned and clapped her hands excitedly causing Sam to be excited too.

While everything was being set up, Sam conversed with Y/N a bit and then Amanda, the breast milk lady, said, “Split yourselves into three groups! If you wish to not join, you may watch at the side.”

Sam looked around and saw a few people moving to the side. He saw them having a look of pure disgust. He was about to approach one of them when Y/N grabbed his attention, “Sam, it’s rude to stare. The cum shots are ready.”

‘The cum shots? What?!’ Sam inwardly said to himself. Surely, he heard his wrong.

“The what?” Sam asked.

“The cum shots. Alcohol is overrated and this solves over population. Besides, it’s not just anyone’s cum. They’re from the guys here and some of the girls. It’s a wild card.” Y/N said with a grin.

“I’ll pass, then.” Sam said with a tight-lipped smile.

“Pass? Why?”

“I’m, uh...” He thought of a lie quick. “I have a fatal cum allergy.” Sam said and pretended to be upset.

Y/N laughed and said, “A fatal cum allergy? I knew I liked you. Guys with that allergy are so rare to find. Go and stand over there, then. Have fun watching.”

Sam wanted to vomit as he watched everyone down the shots like there was no tomorrow.

“Disgusting, innit?” A guy next to him said and Sam nodded.

“Very.” Sam said, looking away from it all.

“Run while you can before your mind gets ruined forever. Whatever you do, never come back here after this. People like you end up in The Pod.”

“The Pod?” Sam asked in confusion.

“That’s what we call a mental hospital.”

“Why would they end up in The Pod?” Sam asked, afraid.

“They told everyone what happens here and no one believed them. These people that you see right now? They’re not like this sometimes. They’re actually normal people. Sometimes too normal it becomes creepy.” The guy explained.

“You’ll go insane if you tell anyone because no one will believe you. Run while you can.” The guy said and walked away when he saw Y/N approaching.

“What did he say to you?” Y/N asked.

“Nothing.” Sam lied. “We just talked about my fatal cum allergy.”

“Ahh, yes.” Y/N nodded. “Anyway, it’s time for my favorite part. Popping the balloons.”

“Okay.” Sam said, thankful that there’s a normal activity. Sam went back to the center of the backyard with Y/N. She handed him a gun and said, “Since you’re a guest, it’s your job to pop the biggest balloon.”

Sam eyed the gun and the biggest pink balloon. ”The prize is inside.” Y/N giggled like a high school girl.

Sam nodded and gulped. He aimed at the biggest balloon and pulled the trigger. Lucky for him, the bullet went through the balloon and it popped causing the contents of the balloon to fall.

Inside the balloon were: confetti, condoms, tea bags, heart shaped candies, pregnancy tests, and a small flashlight.

“Go on and pick the ones you want, Sam. You’ll definitely need the flashlight later for another game.” Y/N said as she picked up a few things.

“What do I need the flashlight for?” Sam questioned.

“Us girls are hiding something inside us and you boys have to find it. That’s what the flashlight is for.” Y/N explained before leaning in to whisper, “I’m hiding a small ring inside me.” She winked and smiled.

“What happens after that?” Sam asked.

“Sex.” Y/N shrugged. “It’s not just any sex, though. All the fair light will be closed and we’ll all have sex out here in the dark. The best part is we wouldn’t know who we had sex with. It’s a wildcard.”

“Just like the cum shots?”

“Just like the cum shots.”

Sam never thought he’d say words like that. In fact, he knew he should’ve declined the invite in the first place, but he figured it’d be nice to meet new people. He knew Y/N was weird, but he didn’t know she was bonkers.

“I actually have to go home now. I’m not feeling well.” Sam said politely.

“Oh, what a shame.” Y/N pouted. “I hope you’ll join the orgy next time you’re back and healthy. We’ll be painting white roses with blood on the next party. See you there.”

Sam gave her a tight-lipped smile, bid her goodbye, and left. He never came back, but the thought of keeping everything to himself made him antsy. A few days later, he finally cracked and told everything to Harry.

Then Tom.

Then Harrison.

Then Tuwaine.

The 4 men were concerned about him. After all, who wouldn’t be concerned? Sam told them the most absurd thing. Sam went as far as taking them to the house and sure enough, it was still ruined just like the day he saw it.

The only difference is, Y/N is nowhere to be found.

“I swear she’s here! You have to believe me.” Sam pleaded.

Tom looked at him and asked, “Sam, are you on drugs? If you are, that’s so unlike you.”

“I’m not on drugs! I’m telling the truth!” Sam said. He looked around and he saw Y/N wearing normal clothes and she seemed to be walking her dog.

“That’s her!” Sam pointed.

“Excuse me, miss!” Harrison called out causing Y/N to look over. He motioned for her to walk closer and she obeyed.

“Yeah?”

“Do you know him?” Harrison nodded his head at Sam as Sam looked at Y/N with pleading eyes. “He claims that you drank cum shots and have orgies at your party the other day. He also claims that you threw a party because your family died in a tragic accident. And is it true that you burned your own house down just for the party to make it extravagant?”

Y/N smiled sadly and said, “It’s true that I lost my family, but I would never throw a party to celebrate such loss. I would also never burn down my only living space. It was an accident; I left the oven on and it burned everything.”

“I’m so sorry.” Harrison said. “You may go now.”

Y/N nodded and left without sparing Sam one more glance.

“Liar!” Sam screamed and lunged towards her. Before he could do anything, Tom held him back and nodded at Harry.

“We’re scheduling you with a psychiatrist. You need help, mate.” Harry said, tapping away on his phone.

“That’s why I’m here now.” Sam said and finished his story.

The psychiatrist nodded and told him that it could be a realistic dream or something that linked to his past. To Sam, the psychiatrist didn’t make sense. He nodded along nonetheless. He wasn’t prescribed with anything, but he was told to stay away from the ruined house.

When Sam got home, he checked their mailbox and saw nothing except for a note. He grabbed the note and it read:

‘I hope you learned your lesson from silently judging people. Just because someone else’s normal isn’t your kind of normal, doesn’t mean it’s less normal.

- Y/N x’

* * * *

𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐘 𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 (bc he’s the twin so why not): @sufwubi @abrielleholland @purplepizza-summerrain @euphorichxlland @marshxx @lizzyosterfield @justanamesstuff @croissantwriting @blueleatherbag @givebuckyhisplumsnow

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @marvelousell @justasmisunderstoodasloki @rubberducky-jrr @allyz @osterfieldnholland @miraclesoflove @god-knows-what-am-i-doing @drie-the-derp @hollands-weasley @itstaskeen @call-me-baby-gir1 @the-panwitch @iamaunicorn4704 @geminiparkers @holland-styles @calltothewild @fancyxparker @whatthefuckimbisexual @justanothermarvelmaniac @unsaidholland @musicalkeys @lost-in-the-stars03 @hufflepuffprincess24 @hollanddolanfangirl @parkerpeter24 @bellelittleoff @agentnataliahofferson @aqiise @lexirv @blairscott @pearly-pisces @theonly1outof-a-billion @u-rrose @speedymaximoff @theliterarymess @beequeen8020 @justafangirlduh

add yourself to my taglist if you’re cool x

#k's 1k sleepover #k's 1k 💌#sam holland #sam holland x reader

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filthyguitarfan · 3 years

Text

Writing about more songs that I like uwu

Indie for life.

I Bet On Losing Dogs - by Mitski I love this song because it resonates on a deep level with me. This one, to me, is about doing things that you know they will backfire or just fail, but doing them anyways. I had a relationship last year that I was really enjoying, my ex was the kindest guy I’ve ever met and we clicked really well, but my father found out by me not closing our conversations and he literally went berserk, threatening to out him to his parents and threatening me with physical violence. Wasn’t nice. The entire relationship was a losing dog, I knew it’d be found out one day, I just hoped that it wouldn’t be found out so soon. I knew that I had bet on a losing dog. I was watching the relationship fall apart in front of my very eyes as soon as my dad found out, but I still stood by the ring, looking into its eyes when it was down. I still cry about it sometimes. Oh well.

Because Dreaming Costs Money, My Dear - by Mitski A song about still feeling an aching void after something had passed. I can still smell the fire, though I know it’s long died out. The smoke still hangs in my hair and on some quiet evenings it burns my eyes. I can still hear my ex’s voice in my head, I can still see us walking around town when I go out and those memories sometimes make my eyes well up. The hopeful part of this song isn’t that we will be mended one day, but that if I “keep playing my violin” I will be out of this abusive household and I will manage somehow. Made Me This Way - by Seraphine I know that Riot only made Seraphine to please their chinese parent company, Tencent, but I really like the message they have here. Plus I think it’s really inclusive towards people who speak mandarin and are of Chinese descent, since one of its verses is in mandarin! The lyrics reminds me of the long way that I’ve come, from being a depressed emo kid to someone who aspires to become a surgeon. Everything that’s happened to me has contributed, one way or another, to me becoming the way I am now. Sunny Road - by Emilíana Torrini A song that the singer wrote for her deceased fiancé, who tragically lost his life to a heart attack. To me, this song is addressed to better times and happiness. I know it’s been a long time since I felt happy, but I hope I’ll meet it one day on a sunny road. Pillar of Truth - by Lucy Dacus A song that Lucy wrote to her grandmother when she was dying. To her, she was the pillar of truth that was turning to dust before her very eyes. The song is wonderfully written, growing in intensity as it progresses like a line of matches that’s been lit and is building up speed towards a pile of gasoline. This song was constantly playing in my mind when my great grandmother was dying. The 89 years that she lived on this planet and all the challenges she overcame. All of that, being reduced to nothing. I absolutely adore this song and I really recommend it. Through the Valley - by Shawn James This song first hit my ear when I heard Ellie singing it in the first teaser for The Last of Us Part II. I instantly fell in love with it, and boy oh boy, is it a good song. Grungy, melancholic and badass at the same time, it perfectly encapsulates the feeling of being left alone to rot, yet rising from your own ashes to seek vengeance. Motion Sickness - by Phoebe Bridgers A great song about being put on an emotional rollercoaster. The motion sickness you get is purely emotional, then you start asking for someone to roll the windows down. My father is verbally and sometimes physically abusive towards me, but after prolonged acts of abuse comes a period of overblown displays of affection. The kind of conditional affection that I’ve taught myself to reject, because it’s like the high from a shot of heroin. Be Your Own 3 AM - by Adult Mom The first non-binary artist that I’ve ever listened to! Adult Mom’s sound is very soft, tender and lulling. This song is about collecting your debris once you’ve fallen apart and building yourself anew. It helped me through my years when I felt lost and expectations were piling higher and higher. Wreck of the Day - by Anna Nalick A song that I like to put on loop when I feel like a mess. There were lots of shifts on the ambulance that left me completely destroyed. I haven’t had a patient code on me, but I did have dead patients who were DOA. The faces of the family and the torment that lingered in the air was hard to take in at first but I have gradually learned how to handle it. God bless this song. Real Love - by Big Thief This song captures those tender loving moments of you and your loved one just spending time together, alone, and admiring each other. Touching each other’s cheeks, promising to love each other forever. Masterpiece - by Big Thief THE song that I go to when I feel like I admire someone too much but they’re taken. They’ve seen the master piece, and it looks a lot like me, but they chose them over me. Relying on them only to get nothing when you need them.

Suicide Hotline - by The Prettiots A song about not feeling fine, envious of people who died, googling methods of suicide, but not feeling bad enough that you’d actually do them. Comparing your own shit to other people’s shit helps you put your shit into perspective . Map On A Wall - by Lucy Dacus Oh, please, don’t make fun of me. This song really does well with capturing the insecure sentiments of teenage years and early adulthood. I was always self conscious about my silhouette, about my teeth, my hair, my acne and my proportions. Even about the shape of my eyes. Yearning for someone while also trying your best to look good, even though everything you put on just feels bad. A map has no use when it’s just hanging on a wall, and neither does your true self if it’s hiding behind anxiety.

Into The Fire - by Thirteen Senses A leap of faith. A jump into the unknown. Into The Fire is all about what the title says: put your hand into the fire. Sometimes, we have to take risks. Write that e-mail. Apply to that college. Ask that special someone out. Do that needle decompression to save someone’s life. All year round, risks have to be taken. You can’t watch the flame and complain about it because it won’t get you anywhere. You have to take that jump yourself.

Anyway bye.

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aikoeisbon · 4 years

Text

Sacrifice.

Levi x Reader

You had been through hell. Death and it's accompanying funerals had littered your life with it's events, you'd figure you'd be used to it by now. After having escaped the hell of the underground, you were sure you were hardened enough not to be knocked backwards whenever the unexpected happened. Up until now, the only constant in your life was the twisted unpredictabilities. And yet, here you were. Staring at a newspaper at an article that served as your friend's obituary, when you had just spoken to him two days prior, teasing him about his early morning workout routines.

"Once your son keeps you up all night, working out will be a thing of the past!" You said to him as he finished his run.

"Jokes on him, I keep myself up all night anyways." He laughed breathlessly, winded from his workout.

The memory forced a knot in your chest, your grip on the paper trembling. Levi noticed your sudden silence. You had been cracking jokes and seemed in high spirits that night, and now you remained eerily quiet and still as you sat on the stairs, your back turned to him. Curious, he sat down the report he had been reading and stepped behind you to look over your shoulder. The first thing he caught sight of was your trembling hands, and dark, damp circles on the newspaper. His steel eyes glanced over the paper, until his gaze settled on a decently sized section of the front page, announcing the tragic drowning of a young man in a lake.

"Did you know him?" Levi inquired, subtly raising a brow. You sniffled, nodding a solemn 'yes'. Levi took a seat beside you on the stairway, your two bodies placed between the narrow corridor of the steps. He hadn't seen you cry before. He hadn't seen you this shaken. Of all the deaths he knew had an effect on your soul, none of them drew this sort of response. You'd usually remain stone-faced, silent, and if you had cried, you hadn't let anyone know it. So why were you so broken now? What importance did this man have in your life? Levi had plenty of questions, but figured it was not the time to ask. Instead he sighed, thinking up ways to console you as he read the rest of the article.

"...drowned while saving his heavily pregnant girlfriend, who had floated away from shore on a raft and began to struggle when the winds picked up and the water became rough..." Levi's expression darkened. This was the type of tragedy he often heard about in books, but to read the article and know it was no mere fiction, maybe he understood why you were so torn up.

"He's a hero." Levi commented, pulling you into his shoulder. "Thanks to his sacrifice, his child and girlfriend survived." He continued as your sobs quaked against his side.

"I-I just don't get it." You pulled away from the raven-haired man momentarily, offering him a gaze with glassy, puffy, and bloodshot eyes. Levi felt his heart pulse at the sight- he hated to see you hurting like this. "He was such a good person, this can't be real. He had so much going for him." You quivered, leaning back against your significant other. "I don't understand. How? How does someone just drown like that??" You cried. Levi draped his arm around your shoulders, rubbing your arm lightly as you mourned. "All these years... all this death, all the danger that comes with living in the hellish world and that's what takes a man like him out?!" You raised your voice, angry with the world. "He helped me through so much. We weren't even really close... but his kindness left a lasting impression on everyone he met, Levi. Even you would have liked him. He offered his help when I was at my lowest, he's the type of guy other men should aim to be like and he's just.... gone." You finished, shuddering as you drew a deep breath. Levi could do nothing but hold you in a soft gaze, wrapped beneath his arm and tucked against his side.

"The good die young." Levi muttered after a bit of silence. There was a short pause, and you nodded in agreement. "He seemed like a good friend to you. You don't have to be best buds to feel sad over his death. I understand... a person that is genuinely kind- losing them would effect everyone that knew them."

"I just don't understand... I really feel like he's going to pop up and be fine."

"It's part of grieving. Acceptance is just the first step." Levi informed. His matter-of-fact way of speaking was meant to be helpful, but you couldn't help but feel slightly offput by his rationality. Still, it was soothing to have him by your side. "Losing a good friend is never easy, y/n. There's a long road of grief ahead of you... But I'll be here every step of the way."

"...Thank you." You mumbled, hanging your head to face your knees as you cast the article aside after reading it, just once more. Levi glanced at you beneath black lashes, content that you were no longer shaking. But he knew that though he could not see it, there was a gaping hole in your chest that would take some time to heal.

"...By way of his death, he seemed to be a good man to the very end."

"He was." You quickly added.

"...He wouldn't want you to cry yourself sick over this. Have pride that your friend gave the ultimate sacrifice to save what he loved. He would want the people that knew him to be happy. That's what he based his life on, isn't it?" Levi questioned. You released a sharp exhale that could almost be called a sad laugh.

"Yes... he brought a smile to everyone's face, whether they knew him or not."

"Then smile in his memory." Levi stood, offering his hand to help you up. The two of you walked to your shared bedroom, where you spent the evening in between bouts of denial and inconsolable crying. You felt for his girlfriend, who would now have to raise their baby alone. You remembered his good natured spirit, his consideration, his constant smile, and felt sick that it was gone forever. It did not seem fair. Throughout the night, in your grief, Levi remained by your side, holding you tightly in his arms each time he heard you cry. Being the insomniac he is, he was awake to comfort you for whatever you needed, no matter how tired he was. Not once did he grow impatient- because he knew all too well the sadness that accompanies a friend's death.

The next day, a cadet who was a close friend of the passed away man confronted you about your tears, while Levi was in earshot discussing supply routes with Erwin.

"Why are you so concerned? You weren't even close with him." He sneered. You were tired, your swollen face was sore, and you still felt like something was now missing in your life. You knew that the cadet before you had been far closer to the man than you had ever been, and you could only imagine the extent of his pain. Even so, his question angered you.

"You're right... I wasn't the closest with him. But he was still my friend. He helped me more than I could ever repay during the darkest parts of my life in the underground, things you wouldn't know about. And seeing him around here all the time, cracking jokes with him, even if we were just background characters in each other's lives.. His life still had meaning to me. I'm sure you're hurting too. But you have no right to gatekeep who is allowed to mourn him." You snapped back, your frustration buried beneath your somberness. Levi excused himself from the discussion with Erwin, surrendering him to Hange as he left to stand by you.

"Your friend, I'm hearing he was a good man?" Levi asked of the cadet.

"One of the best." He responded confidently, with heavy eyes.

"Don't dishonor his memory then. If he's as good a man as that article reads, he touched a lot of people's lives. I don't want to see you questioning anyone else like they need your permission to grieve."

"But sir, that wasn't my intent-"

"You should go check in on his family." Levi interrupted, stepping between the cadet and you as he guided you away. "You handled yourself fine, but I told you I won't let you go through this alone." He whispered as the two of you left for another area, outside the courtyard.

You had a long road ahead of you, but with Levi's strength to act as your foundation- your pillar- when you were weak, you knew you would get through this. You would smile, for your friend's memory.

Written in memory of my friend, Theodore Key, who gave the ultimate sacrifice saving his growing family. 7/30/20.

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sylvies-chen · 4 years

Note

“I found a thrill, To press my cheek to, A thrill that I've never known” At last - Etta James

For Sylvie and Matt please!

“You’ve never punched someone before?”

The tone of Foster’s voice is indignant as they walk into the firehouse from the apron. The call they had just come back from was supposed to be simple and stress-free but had ended up irking Sylvie and grossing her out. She had been getting the stretcher for the poor old woman who had busted her hip when some drunken idiot came up to her on the street and flashed her. Sylvie makes a sour face just thinking about it.

Sometimes, men can be pigs.

That’s how the whole conversation of punching is brought up. Foster, who wasn’t present when the guy had flashed Sylvie which made her feel guilty, Sylvie guesses, because Foster had berated her with questions as they drove back to the firehouse, asking if she was okay and if she needed anything. Foster had then brought up taking self-defense classes as they had been parking the ambo, which eventually led to a conversation about punching people in the face.

“No, of course not!” Sylvie shrugs absentmindedly as they make their way to the bunk room. Because it’s true. She hasn’t punched anyone, she hasn’t taken any self-defense classes, she hasn’t done any of it. She understands where Foster’s coming from, but Sylvie’s always been more in the “lover, not a fighter” category. “Why would I?”

Foster laughs and her attention is drawn to Casey as he walks by. Because of course she does. Because it’s Matt, and Foster knows he’s Sylvie’s blind spot for some reason. “Casey!” She pulls him by the arm and drags him into the conversation. “Brett, here, doesn’t know how to punch. Isn’t that just the most tragic thing you’ve ever heard?”

“Hey, leave me out of this,” he warns. Sylvie smiles and feels her cheeks heat up, appreciating his comment.

“It’s not like I haven’t wanted to punch people before,” she explains, “I just don’t see how violence is the answer to anything.”

“I get that, but not even a self-defense class?” Emily counters. “What about the creeps you mentioned that were hanging out outside your building the other day? Wouldn’t it be useful to know how to throw a punch if they came at you?”

“Ok fair point,” she admits reluctantly. “But it’s not like I can afford to pay for fancy instructors right now. I already have my membership with Olivia’s spin class. Hey, do you know if she’s mentioned anything about offering self-defense classes? Karate? Boxing?”

Foster shakes her head. “Nope, she’s renting out her other room to a yoga instructor for a month but that’s it.”

Matt, still standing in on their conversation, looks at Sylvie hesitantly. “I could teach you.”

Sylvie knows what Foster’s thinking as she raises a suggestive eyebrow at Matt’s idea. “Oh, could you now?”

Matt glances at Foster for a moment, slightly confused, before turning back to Sylvie. “Severide goes to a boxing gym once a week, lets me tag along sometimes. I’m not a boxer or anything but I could show you a few tricks if you want.”

Sylvie considers it for a moment. Normally, she would have a lot of objections to this, like the implications that could follow it, the teasing she’ll get from Foster. But she thinks about it, figures she should probably learn some sort of self-defense at some point, and agrees to it despite her concerns. “Sure, yeah, I can do that.”

The overhead speakers start blaring for another call, and it’s all hands on deck as the three of them start heading towards the apron again. “I’ll text you the address,” he shouts out to her as he walks to his end of the garage, jumping into his gear and getting in the truck.

As promised, he sends her the address and she puts their-- well, whatever this is that they’re doing-- onto her calendar for the following week. The days go by fast, and she feels herself counting them down eagerly. It’s almost stupid the number of times Foster brings it up to tease her. Sylvie doesn’t know why she’s so eager to see him outside of work, really. It’s just a boxing class, right?

The day finally comes. She drives around trying to find the place for so long that she ends up being a few minutes late, and when she gets there she’s just. Wow. The place is so old-fashioned, she feels like she’s in the lair of a Batman movie. There are sturdy wooden pillars inside the place, scattered out and surrounded by walls of exposed brick. The light streams in through the windows in soft stripes, accounting for the majority of the light in the place. There are punching bags hanging from wooden beams, workout machines and weight spread out across the room, gloves, and other equipment in bags on the side. She spots Matt from across the room, waving at him shyly. He’s hard to miss, considering that he’s one of the ten people in the gym. Not to mention the best-looking, his gym shirt tight and accenting his muscles in all the right places.

“Hey,” she smiles at him, watching as he smiles back, his face beaming. He gets a wild look in his eyes, that excited, exhilarating look, and just. Ok yeah. Sylvie’s not normally showing this much skin around him. But it’s her workout clothes, so they’re tighter, and he’s looking at her and she never wants it to stop.

It does though, and Matt clears his throat as he points to the punching bag next to them. Sylvie sits on the bench on the side of the wall and looks for punching gloves. “People are staring,” she whispers as he sits next to her, his knee brushing against hers.

“Well, I don’t think they get a lot of women in here,” he explains, his face wincing a little. “Especially not ones like you.”

“Like me?” Her heart races as she raises an eyebrow, inquiring into his comment.

She can’t tell if she’s imagining his cheeks turning pink as he starts backtracking. “I just- I mean women who look like you. You’re very… well-structured, is all I’m saying.”

“Thanks, I think,” she teases playfully. She’s ready now and is kind of amped up about the whole idea of punching something. Her heart is beating so loud that she can hear it in her head. She blames it on the boxing instead of the ridiculously handsome firefighter standing next to her. “So where do we start?” She whacks the bag with her fist weakly.

He laughs watching her put her jokingly spar with the bag. “Your fist has to be balled, first of all.”

“Right, right,” she nods, watching him laugh even harder as she curls her hands into a fist and makes a menacing face that turns out more pouty and cute than intimidating.

“So why did Foster want you to learn how to punch anyway?” He says as he ties his shoelace, getting ready to teach her.

“Oh, some drunk idiot flashed me last week on a call. It was really gross. Anyway, I was talking with her and she wanted me to take jujitsu or something but I told her I hadn’t punched anyone before and--”

“Someone flashed you?!” His eyes go wide with worry and indignation and god. He’s just so damn gallant.

“Yeah. I’m fine, really, just grossed out by the whole situation. But that’s why she suggested I learn self-defense.”

He looks hesitant, nervous to touch on the subject, but she looks at him expectantly and gestures for him to come over with her head. “You coming or what?”

His worry turns into a smile again, and he walks over to her to start their lesson. “Ok, so… here,” he starts as he moves behind her, wrapping his arm around her side and putting his hand on hers. “You want to keep your elbows in, and let your fist move out in a straight line.” Her elbows tuck in as his hands guide her fist from behind into a straight line. It’s intense and even though they’ve only just started, Sylvie’s skin feels hot to Matt’s touch. She moves her fist outwards into a line, taps the punching bag only lightly as she’s more focused on getting the motions down first before adding power to it. “Like that?”

“Y-yeah, like that.” She hears him swallow hard as he speaks it softly into her ear, still behind her. Sylvie leans back into him just a little bit, lets herself feel the rush of adrenaline that she gets from being pressed up against him and feeling his breath on her neck. “That’s just a regular jab. Then, you can use your other arm, and if you go from the side,” he keeps explaining, moving his head to her other side and placing his hand on her left arm this time as he guides her arm to swing sideways, “then you have your left hook.”

“Oh.” The word comes out almost like a breath, her mind foggy and her heart palpitating. The punching tips are helpful even if she thinks she’ll never use them, but his presence, the way he’s there with her, and his arms are wrapped around hers, that’s the real thrill. The thrill that she never wants to let go of.

They keep doing the same motions for what feels like forever. He shows her jabs, right hooks, left hooks, crosses, the works. Eventually, she gets the hang of it, her arms getting used to the feeling.

“Not that I’m complaining, but when are you going to let go and let me really punch the bag?” She teases.

“Well seeing as how I stopped guiding your arms ten minutes ago, I’d say you’re ready.” He’s smiling cheekily at her, his expression proud.

“What?” She looks down at her arms and notices that his arms aren’t there anymore, her arms doing the movements out of pure instinct. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She whacks him on the arm playfully, breaking her stance.

“I thought you knew,” he laughs. “Here, let’s get you actually punching.” He steps away from her, her back suddenly feeling cold, and secures the punching bag in a tight grip. “You ready?”

“Oh god, ok.” She spreads her feet out slightly and bends her knees a tiny bit, breathing in and out.

“You got this,” he nods confidently. “Just punch. Jab in a straight line, hit it hard.”

She readies herself, winces a little before punching the bag, not even paying attention to see if she actually does it right. She hears a small thud, realizes that she’s hit the bag successfully, looks at Matt with a stunned look on her face.

“Did I just…?”

“Yeah, you did. And it was a solid punch too,” he smiles proudly.

“I can’t believe it. That was amazing,” she exhales, shocked and high on adrenaline. The excitement is rushing through her and the thrill of throwing a real, strong punch makes her so overjoyed that before she even realizes what she’s doing, she squeals and jumps into Matt’s arms, her feet lifting off the ground momentarily. They’re both laughing as he puts her down and she uses his arms to stabilize herself.

Then, all the messy complications with what she’s done set in and she feels her cheeks flush with embarrassment. “Sorry. I got really excited there,” she backtracks as she starts to step away from him, still slightly winded, “It’s just, uh, all the adrenaline. And I really wanted to do that. And Foster says that I… well- you and I- that this boxing thing… I don’t kno--”

She doesn’t even know what she’s saying anymore. Her rambling isn’t even ruled by her own head anymore, just pours out of her randomly. But, before she can ramble any longer, he yanks her in close to him by her arm, and that exciting thrill comes back as their skin touches, hot and sweaty, flush against each other. His hand still has a loose grip on her arm as he leans in and puts his forehead against hers, their cheeks red. “Can I, uh- can I…” his face is inches away from hers, his breathing heavy. She realizes that he’s asking for permission to kiss her, especially after the story about the idiot flashing her, and just. Matt Casey never fails to make her heart explode. He really is just… the perfect guy.

Her doubts and worries, her fears about complications, even everyone in the gym, they all melt away. For a split second, they’re the only two people in the world as she leans in and fills the space, pressing her lips against his firmly. He inhales sharply, surprised at her initiative, but reacts almost instantly. His lips push back and soon her mouth opens for his, letting his tongue sway in and out of her mouth.

“I have wanted to do that for so long” he exhales, dumbstruck as they finally pull away.

“Me too.” She can tell that she’s smiling like an idiot, and feels her face muscles hurt from it. She leans back in, kissing him again as his hands move up through her messy hair.

Apparently, there’s a “no PDA” policy at the gym, and they end up getting kicked out ten minutes later. Sylvie feels a little guilty for getting him kicked out of his gym, but he shrugs it off and claims it’s fine. “It was worth it,” he smirks. Her guilt melts away after that, because it’s true.

It was totally worth it.

#chicago fire #brettsey #sylvie brett #matt casey #song lyric requests #i was feeling a little steamy today ahahaha #we love a consenting king though #this may or may not be based on a real life event i-

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