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phantomdoofer · 6 months

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Eat Me

Noise stretched as his alarm went off. Ah, can't wait for the day I don't have to use one a those! He laughed. That could be now, ya palooka. NTV was doing great - he could probably retire and live off royalties the rest of his life. But I just can't give up the spotlight! He leapt out of bed and struck a pose, grinning hugely.

Silence. Dead silence. Normally Noisette at least says something when I do that. He looked over. She wasn't there. "Huh. Sette? Babe? You there?" Nothing. Ah well, guess she decided to go in early or something. He went over to his closet and opened it - inside was row after row of Noise costumes, and a few business suits for when he had to be "official." I know I promised Peppino I'd leave him alone, and a deal's a deal. He grinned maliciously. Doesn't mean I can't screw with anybody else!

He'd been an unholy terror to make up for not getting to abuse his favorite chew toy. Even his film crews, normally exempt, hadn't been immune. Pepperman would probably rip him in half if he could. Vigilante was threatening to try to bring actual charges against him. Like that'd stick. He got dressed. Y'know, awfully quiet today. Normally I'd be hearin' noise from the studios downstairs. He shrugged. Probably just on their breaks or somethin. Dressed for mischief now, he grabbed his sack of bombs and gadgets and threw them over his shoulder, whistling his theme music. No show today, so let's cause some trouble!

He stepped outside to... nothing. The halls were empty. Ok, that's weird. Not even a secretary. He found himself wanting to tiptoe, then shook himself and pranced proudly down the hall. He burst through the doors of the nearest studio. "HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK ALIVE!"

The room was empty. All the equipment was out, like they'd been in the middle of a show and suddenly all vanished. Noise started to get legitimately creeped out. "OK, break time's over, ya mooks! Come on out!"

Nothing but the whirr of fans and equipment.

Noise checked the break room. Empty. He ran down to the cafeteria. No one. Every room was empty, stuff left laying about like everyone had just evaporated on the spot.

Noise pulled on his hat's edges. "What the hell is goin' on??"

He ran out the gate of the studio.

~~~~

The whole village seemed to be the same. He ran to the police station and burst through the doors. "VIGI! Somethin' weird is goin' on! My whole studio's..."

There was no one there, either. It looked the same - things strewn about as if they just vanished. He ran to Vigilante's office and banged on the door. "Vigi! You in there? Come on, answer me!"

The door swung open. On the wall of the office hung Vigilante, his cheese running, his eyes blank and white. His hat, boots, and gloves lay on the floor below him, and his mouth gaped open.

Noise shrieked. He ran outside, looking around wildly for anyone.

There! Out of the corner of his eye, he saw... Is that Fake? They look... weirder than usual. They were moving strangely, more like... those clones in the tower! Noise shivered. Those clones had been creepy as hell, eating whatever they could get in their mouths, including each other. Fake had kept them in line, but...

Fake crawled out, making strange ribbity noises. It approached him, looking way too hungry for comfort.

Noise backed up. "H-hey Fake, we're cool, right? You're not gonna... eat me or anything? Right? Buddy? Pal?"

Fake's tongue stretched out and licked him up and down, then retracted. Fake made a pleased noise and said, "Huungryy...."

Noise screamed and ran for his life. He ran around the corner. Peppino! Peppino can deal with this freak! He shrieked again as Fake appeared from nowhere, growling hungrily. Noise frantically hopped on his skateboard and activated the rocket assist, blasting away from the killer clone.

Then two more appeared. They're splitting up! Noise wove between them as they reached out arms and tongues for him. He darted down an alleyway, and shot across the street to Peppino's.

He burst through the doors. "Italian! You gotta help me! That clone of yours has gone crazy! It's splittin up! I think they're eatin' people! They... Fat Man?" Silence. "Pep-Peppino?"

Noise heard a sound from in the kitchen. He went through the doors, and found one of the Fakes standing there. As it whipped around to look at him, he backed away with his hands up.

Smiling, the clone opened its mouth wide. Inside was Peppino, covered in blood, halfway down it's throat. "NOISE! NOISE, HELP ME! I CAN'T GET OUT, PLEASE-"

Peppino screamed as the clone closed it's mouth again, and made a swallowing motion. Then it reached for him.

Screaming at the top of his lungs, Noise ran outside and across the street to Noisette's Cafe. We gotta get outta here! He burst through the doors -

The cafe was empty. Noisette's rabbit-ear hood sat on the counter.

Noise froze. His world spun. They ate Noisette. Sette. She's gone.

Suddenly something grabbed his bag from behind. He leapt away just in time - another Fake swallowed his bag of gadgets. Before he could move, the clone grabbed him and held him to its face, grumbling.

Noise trembled. I'm so dead!

Slowly, the clone opened their mouth wide -

And sitting on its tongue, filing her nails, was Noisette.

Noise was utterly confused. "Sette? You're alive! Waaaait, what's goin' on?"

Noisette hopped off the tongue and put on her hood. "Surprise, hon!" Suddenly people started popping up from everywhere. Four other Fakes walked in. One of them opened their mouth and Peppino hopped out, covered in blood yet apparently unharmed. Then the five fused into one. Vigilante walked in the door, apparently unhurt. Fake suddenly retched, and Noise's bag was vomited onto the floor.

Peppino looked at Noisette, stretching an arm covered in blood-colored goop. "Do you-a think I could use your washroom for a bit? This fake blood is-a nasty."

"Oh, sure, Peppino! Right over there!" Noisette gestured to the back.

Peppino grinned maliciously at Noise as he walked past. "Hope-a you enjoyed it, Noise."

Noise was seething now. "This was all just a prank, wasn't it?" He started stomping his feet. "Dat was way too far! I swear, I'll make that fat bastard's life hell for this!" He reached for his bag.

Noisette bonked him on the head. "You'll do no such thing! This wasn't his idea, it was mine!"

Noise was stunned, and not just from the punch. "Y-YOUR idea? Babe, what gives?"

She grabbed his shoulders. "Babe, I love you, but you gotta learn how to back off. All I've been hearin' for a week now is how miserable you've been makin' people. Some of your film crew almost quit! I talked 'em out of it, though."

Vigilante walked up and poked Noise in the chest. "Been gettin' complaints from all over town about you, Noise. People are willin' to put up with some pranks, but we been seein' real damage. I can't just ignore that, y'know."

Noisette shrugged. "So we decided to scare ya. I talked the whole town into it. Most of 'em are in La Crosta, but the crew and some of the villagers helped set this up."

Noise was flabbergasted. "That's... that's cruel!"

Peppino came out, rubbing stage blood off his face. "As-a cruel as tormenting small businesses and people just-a living their lives? Actually hurting-a them? That cruel?"

Noise spun and pointed. "I never actually hurt nobody! I thought you's were all dead! I thought Fake ate you!"

Peppino grinned. "And a fine-a acting job they did, too." He held his hand up.

Fake gave him a high-five, then chuckled. "We don't like splitting off or acting like that, but we agreed this time. It was... fun."

Noisette shook her head. "I'm sorry, hon, but actually, you have been hurtin' people. A few injuries, but that's too much. Not everybody is as durable as Peppino. Or as used to yer jokes."

Noise looked around. Everyone around him was glaring. He felt like he was in a spotlight - a very, very hot one. "Are ya all really so mad at me?"

One of them, one of his stage managers, spoke up. "Boss, we don't mind a few pranks, but lately you've been a bit... dangerous. Most of us were thinking of quitting for our own safety."

Noisette grabbed him and kissed his forehead. "Babe, you just need to back off a little. Keep it to regular pranks. Otherwise, you're gonna be out a crew... and maybe outta your own town."

Noise scuffed his feet. "All right, all right. I get the hint. I'll back off."

The crowd broke out in relieved applause.

"But don't think I'll forget this! You better work hard to make up for it!"

Noisette suddenly loomed over him. Her face was dark, and her eyes were full of flame - literally. "Noiiiiise?"

Noise cringed. She was terrifying when she was like this. "Eep! Sorry, Sette! Sorry!"

Suddenly Noisette was her usual perky self. "OK hon! That's all we needed!" She turned and waved. "Thanks everybody! Let's get back to work!"

~~~~

As everyone left, Noise stopped and lit a cigarette. Peppino stood beside him, then spoke. "I've-a, I've-a never seen her look-a like that before. Is that-a... normal?"

Noise blew a puff of smoke. "Italian man, there's few things in this world I'm actually afraid of, and one of 'em is that woman's wrath."

"I, uh, I-a can see why." Peppino was quickly reevaluating his relationship with Noisette.

Noise blew another puff. "After you, Pizzahead, and Fake, Noisette was the most dangerous person in that Tower."

"Does-a she have powers?" Peppino asked.

"If she didn't tell ya, it's none of ya business, big guy."

They watched as Noisette waved happily at a customer, then turned, produced a giant mallet from nowhere, and blasted a Giant Rat that was bugging her down the street. The Rat stood up and wobbled away. The mallet disappeared, and Noisette skipped back inside the Cafe.

Peppino shivered. "Remind-a me to never piss-a her off."

"That makes two of us, big guy."

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