#i stayed up til 1 am writing this....fuck
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nothing worse than sending all day writing a fan fic (on ao3)
just for ur tab to glitch delating all of it
#my depression is fr so bad rn#I just wasted all day#FOR WHAT#i stayed up til mf 10 am#just to get back up at 1 pm to eat a whole bunch of shit and write#NOW ITS GONE#and guess what#there no one to blame but my dumb ass self#and I have school tmrw#speaking of school the didn’t change me fucking classes#EVEN KNOW I SENT A FUCKING REQUEST FOR THEM TO CHANGE THEM#IDK WHERE MY MATH CLASS IS GONNA BE#and now my dad thinks I’m dating my aromatic best friend#i literally don’t know how I’m still here#and like what if I don’t get to see my friends at lucnh#which is a stupid concern but like I CANT sit alone again this semester#AND I WOULD KNOW IF I HAD CLASSES OR LINCH WITH THEM IF THEY CHANGE MY SCHEDULE#i literally just want to be happy#And like I’m trying so hard to be but it’s just not working#I used to be able to bounce right back after something like this#but I can’t anymore#and my parents are constantly mad at me#cuz apparently I can’t do ANYTHING right#pov they deleted ur FUCKING TAGS#I ranted to no ONE#this is fr the nail in the coffin#byler#good night y’all#this is the stupidest shit I ever posted HOW DID I MESS UP A RANT TOO#Gn again
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A SONG FOR YOU
This is a general channelling based on a collective of people. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. If you don’t feel the pile resonates with you, don’t be scared to try another, if it still doesn’t feel right, that’s ok! Maybe our energies aren’t as connected and my content is not for you.
I do these strictly for fun and educational purposes.
PICK A PILE CHANNELLING
I write songs sometimes in my free time, and I asked my spirit guides to give you guys a song which could have something that you need to hear right now. Pick a card and enjoy some lyrics.
Pile 1 ———> Pile 2
Pile 3 ———> Pile 4
PILE 1
SWAN DIVE
VERSE 1
promise me one thing,
you’ll never let this go,
we’ll be a forever answer,
to the calls of the unknown
VERSE 2
nothing to tear us apart,
it’s the only thing i fear,
not having you anymore,
while i’m still stuck here
PRE-CHORUS
nothing can destroy us,
you’ll be by my side,
til the end of time
(til the end of time)
CHORUS
fuck death do us part,
i’m taking the swan dive,
i’m falling from the sky,
so you’ll always be mine,
fuck death do us part,
i’m taking the swan dive,
from the clouds into the ground,
i’ll be by your side
VERSE 3
no one can compare,
to the love i have for you,
no one can treat me better,
than the way you do
VERSE 4
when you jump i’ll jump too
i’ll always follow you,
to the deep depths of death,
there’s nothing i wouldn’t do
PRE-CHORUS
nothing can destroy us,
you’ll always be by my side,
til the end of time
(til the end of time)
CHORUS
fuck death do us part,
i’m taking the swan dive,
i’m falling from the sky,
so you’ll always be mine,
fuck death do us part,
i’m taking the swan dive,
from the clouds into the ground,
i’ll be by your side
LAST VERSE
my heart is tied to yours,
it beats when yours does,
we’ll be inseparable,
in the sky above
Swans mate for life, when their partner dies, the remaining swan flies high into the sky and falls to their death, performing their last swan dive. The narrator is serenading their partner, telling them that their love is to last beyond the grave.
PILE 2
DELUSIONAL WONDER
VERSE 1
sometimes i wish that i could live inside my mind,
so i could figure out what’s going on behind,
you greet me with a smile and open arms,
when i’m with you i feel safe from harm
VERSE 2
you lean in to give me a kiss on my cheek,
and pass me a bouquet of my favourite flowers,
oh how it’s so good for us to finally meet,
i pace around my room and think about you for hours
CHORUS
and you say...
come on, come closer,
let me hold you til the war is over,
and if i ever let you go,
just know that i’m your delusional wonder
BRIDGE
turn the page and dry your tears,
keep pretending that i am near,
and when we meet again tonight,
we can pick off where we ended last time
CHORUS
come on, come closer,
i’ll let you hold me til the war is over,
and if you ever let me go,
i’ll always know that you’re my delusional wonder
BRIDGE
visit me again in my dreams,
like you do everyday of each week,
and when i hold your head in my hands,
i’ll remember it’s a fantasy land
VERSE 3
when i wake up and see you’re not laying next to me,
a fear strikes deep deep inside my being,
you know there’s something wrong when you think something exists but it don’t (though)
VERSE 4
and even when i beckon upon your name,
the sound of silence always stays the same,
the earth is a desolate place when you’re not here and only in my dreams
CHORUS
and you say...
come on, come closer,
let me hold you til the war is over,
and if i ever let you go,
just know that i’m your delusional wonder
BRIDGE
turn the page and dry your tears,
keep pretending that i am near,
and when we meet again tonight,
we can pick up where we ended last time
CHORUS
come on, come closer,
let me hold you til the war is over,
and if i ever let you go,
just know that i’m your delusional wonder,
come on, come closer,
i’ll let you hold me til the war is over,
and if you ever let me go,
i’ll always know that you’re my delusional wonder
the narrator is daydreaming as an escape from reality, and falls in love with a character they have made up in her head just to realise that they are not real.
PILE 3
SILENCE CAUSES VIOLENCE
(This one was written purely for this.)
VERSE 1
i’m like a ballerina in a jewellery box,
when the music stops,
my heart drops,
i cant be alone with my own thoughts,
without thinking about ending it all
VERSE 2
what makes my mind so useless?
an apathetic version of what i say,
i often think that i’m going insane,
but it’s all in my brain,
yeah, it’s all in my brain?
CHORUS
i’m begging you, don’t let the quiet in,
cause i don’t know what is bound to happen,
the silence causes violence,
a rapture in my heart,
i won’t give in,
but the temptation is calling me
POST-CHORUS
they think Im crazy,
they think i’m out of my mind,
embodying the devil,
won’t hear me out this time,
they think that i am crazy,
some part of a losing game,
one they won’t play for me,
confiscated their tokens away
VERSE 3
i’ve got a taste for destruction,
pouring salt on my own wounds,
refusing to heal my past,
lifting the rug to sweep my dooms
CHORUS
i’m begging you, don’t let the quiet in,
cause I don’t know what is bound to happen,
the silence causes violence,
a rapture in my heart,
i won’t give in,
but the temptations still calling me
The narrators biggest fear is to be alone, to have to think about past experiences, so they overindulge in coping mechanisms, like constant partying.
PILE 4
SCARED OF THE DARK
VERSE 1
racing through emotions,
throwing daggers at my friends,
i promised i wouldn’t hurt myself,
putting means to an end,
i’m enclosed in my room,
painting sheets with all my tears,
tearing myself apart,
analysing all my fears
VERSE 2
i’ve got a target on my back,
but i’m the one with the gun,
inflicting harm on myself,
my mind won’t let me run,
i’m trying to let go,
but the storm cloud followed,
darting into alleyways,
i wanna be alone
CHORUS
i’m not scared of the dark,
but the monsters that live within,
i’m terrified of my reflection,
the mirror showcases all my sins,
the ghoul’s under my bed,
and he’s gripping on my legs,
pulling me under with him,
now the cycle repeats again
BRIDGE
i pulled myself out of this before,
pinched myself so hard, blood could be drawn,
pressed my lips to a glass of cherry wine,
drowned my fears in alcohol,
i do this all the time
VERSE 3
come with me into the night,
this time i won’t put up a fight,
i’ll let myself consume the darkness,
even though it don’t feel right,
let me fall onto my knees,
down by your gravestone i will plead,
let me live my life in comfort,
surrounded by the shadows in me
BRIDGE
i pulled myself out of this before,
pinched myself so hard, blood could be drawn,
pressed my lips to a glass of cherry wine,
drowned my fears in alcohol,
i do this all the time
CHORUS
i’m not scared of the dark,
but the monsters that live within,
i’m terrified of my reflection,
the mirror showcases all my sins,
the ghoul’s under my bed,
and he’s gripping on my legs,
pulling me under with him,
now the cycle repeats again
The narrator can feel themself falling back into that dark place, they try to fight it at first, before letting it consume them, becoming victim to their own sadness.
#pick a card#tarot#tarot reading#tarotblr#tarotcommunity#free tarot#tarot witch#daily tarot#pick a pile#tarot cards
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On Tilt, Part 1 | KNJ
On Tilt, Part 1
Definition: a poker term for a state of mental or emotional confusion or frustration in which a player adopts a suboptimal strategy, usually resulting in the player becoming overly aggressive.
On Tilt Masterlist
Pairing: Namjoon x Fem!Reader
Rating: M 🔞; NSFW
Genre: idol!AU; angst; fluff; smut
Warnings: unhealthy relationship dynamic; cussing; explicit sexual conversations; dirty talk; clit play; heavy petting; oral sex (F-receiving); intercourse; orgasm denial; fingering; masturbation (mutual); exhibitionism; stamina!; multiple orgasms; pining; unrequited love; miscommunication
Word count: 4.5K words
Summary: You’ve said time and time again that you wouldn’t lose yourself to him. You were in control now. You were going to make better choices. For a minute there, you were able to keep up with it. It wasn’t ‘til Namjoon’s extended break that you found yourself falling into old habits. Will you ever learn to quit Kim Namjoon?
A/N: First off—boop! Title change! This was going to be called something else but decided to switch it up last-minute. I've had this sitting in my WIPs for a while. So long that ago that this was was actually drafted before the first hiatus announcement in June. This is the first time I am writing an idol!AU (please be kind)! I’m not sure how many chapters this will be yet…could be two, could be three. For now, please enjoy and let me know what you think! Now, excuse me while I get side-eyed by my WIPs.
You are jolted awake by your phone blaring loudly. What time was it? It was still dark out.
“Hello?” You croaked out drowsily–your eyelids fighting to stay closed.
“Hey.” You’d recognize that rich baritone anywhere.
“Uh…hi.” Your eyes flickered, pulling the phone away from your ear to figure out what time it was. Too early.
“Remember that dark blue strappy dress that you had?”
“W-what?” You responded after a beat once your brain lurched forward. “Where are you?”
“Los Angeles. Just chillin’ at the hotel,” he rasped. “Were you sleeping?”
“I was,” you answer dryly.
He chuckled into the phone. “You never used to need that much sleep.”
“Well…I’ve changed. And you have, too,” you point out while rubbing your eye, mid-yawn. “We’ve already had this discussion.”
“I know, I know,” he relents, effectively dropping that subject. You fall silent on the other line. A few beats later, he asks, “Are you alone?”
You scoffed. “Namjoon, who else would I be with?”
He laughed from deep within his chest and it tickled your ear. “So–can we keep talking about that dress?”
After rolling your eyes, you try to wrack your brain for any memories of whichever dress he was referring to. You owned so many over the years. “I don’t know…I’m kind of drawing a blank–”
“Whenever I pushed one strap off, the other would fall, too.”
As soon as he said it, that certainly narrowed it down. You zero-in on the dress and the memories came rushing back, hitting you like a tidal wave. You hummed at the nostalgia. The dress used to be one of your favorites–and clearly, it was his too.
“Now I remember.” It was a navy-blue, silky, cowl-neckline dress with spaghetti straps. It had an asymmetrical hemline–the longest falling right above your ankle but it had a pretty high slit that went up your thigh. If you picked your feet up too high while climbing some stairs, people would get an eyeful. Luckily, back then, you and Namjoon always took elevators. Except that one time when you both snuck into the emergency exit where you had a little private moment by the stairs.
You blink the memory away. “That was a nice dress,” you say leisurely, trying to fight off the drowsiness. Maybe he wasn’t even thinking about that scandalous-looking slit…or that night by the steps.
“And I also remember that it had that sexy slit that went all the way up your left thigh…” he drawled. “That came in handy that one time by the steps? You know, the emergency exit?”
Fuck. He could read minds now, too? You were wide awake now. “Uh huh…” you drew out while your eyebrows furrowed. What was he up to?
“Mmm…you had great legs.”
You sat up on your bed. “‘Have’.”
“Sorry, say that again?”
“I have great legs. Present tense,” you corrected.
He gave another deep, throaty laugh. “I will not object to that. I love your legs. I love having them wrapped around my neck—like that time I came home to you after that show?”
Your mouth went dry. That was the night he made you cum so hard that you bit him so deep on his shoulder that you drew blood.
“Joon…” you rasped.
******
“So, did either of you do anything fun last night,” Lani asked while she perused the brunch menu. You’re not sure why since she ordered the same thing every time.
“Happy hour with a couple of coworkers. We went to a bar that had an indoor bocce ball court. I’d never been but it was pretty chill. Also, everyone should try playing drunk bocce ball,” Jia giggled.
“What about you, YN?”
“Oh, you know—not much. I had a quiet night, after work; turned in early and then…had- accidental-phone-sex-with-Namjoon,” you say in rapid-fire succession.
“Sorry, w-what?” Jia chokes out as her eyes bulged out of their sockets. But before she gets another word out the server stops at your table to take your order.
After they walk away, Jia picks up on your last comment. “Now hold on a second–you can’t just drop ‘Namjoon’ and ‘phone sex’ in the same sentence and expect us to just take it in stride!”
“I didn’t know that you and Namjoon were into phone sex,” Lani says, waggling her eyebrows teasingly as she turned in her seat to face you.
“We weren’t. But their break is coming up and he’s been calling me for the past couple weeks–”
Jia sighed and admonished you. “YN, you shouldn’t be having phone sex with your ex.”
“Okay well, let me correct that–it was technically not phone sex but more of a…a trip down memory lane,” you clarified. “Also, he’s not my ex. We never really defined—whatever this is. So, how can you be ‘ex-whatever’ if you never really ‘were’ in the first place?”
“Fucking without labels. I like it!” Lani winked at you.
“What-everrr,” Jia says, annoyed. “He’s in and out of the country. When he’s here, he’s usually in the studio. You guys barely see each other but as soon as he calls, you come running.”
“Excuse me but I do not come running, Jia,” you argued.
“You just come,” Lani snorted.
You give Lani a deadpan look before turning to Jia again. “For real, though. I think that I’ve actually gotten better with this whole Namjoon business! Would it kill you to give me a little credit?”
Jia softens her expression at you. “Sorry, YN. It’s just that I really care about you and…when he left for that one tour then went straight back into recording the new album without seeing you–I saw how much it tore you apart." She reaches across the table to rest her on yours. "There are other guys out there. Other guys who can be present…who can love you and argue with you, in person. None of this complicated idol-bullshit.”
You tried. You really did. You put yourself out there, met other people…none of them lasted. Namjoon was always there for you. And you were there for him. You were familiar with each other. Neither of you needed a manual to navigate each other.
With Namjoon, it was just like stepping into that navy-blue dress. Easy, comfortable…and you always felt sexy.
It was just too much work dating–trying to get to know someone new and getting used to them. You had grown too impatient for that.
Or maybe you just had to admit that you didn’t want to find someone new…because all you really wanted was him.
******
After playing the last night of the band’s stadium tour, Namjoon picks you up from your place so you could head on over to another hotel, only to switch cars, to drive off to another hotel. It was like a shell game. He needed to play it safe because he never knew who’d be watching or following him. It all came with the territory.
It was just before midnight. You paused before sliding into the backseat next to him. “I’ll need you to take me back home tonight.”
Namjoon cocked his head to the side, looking slightly disappointed. “You won’t stay the night with me?”
You paused, leaning on the open car door–fully intent on standing your ground.
“I’d really like you to stay,” he added with a flash of his dimple.
The truth was, you really wanted to. And once, back in the day, you would drop whatever you were doing whenever he was back in town for his visits until you ended up resenting him for it. You may not have learned to stay away from him, but you’d picked up a thing or two about having a healthier relationship–more for your sanity. “Look, let’s just keep things simple, okay?”
His chest lifted and fell on a deep breath. “As you wish.” With that, you climbed into the backseat of the SUV with him, shutting the passenger door.
“Can I schedule time for you to spend with me?” He asks softly.
You sat so close to each other, thighs and elbows pressed together…but there was an unspoken distance between you. Even though you enforced it, you still wished it didn’t have to be there.
“When?” You ask him with a hint of exasperation.
“I was hoping for one more night this week and all of next weekend for sure.” They were on an extended break. The other guys would disperse and travel back to their own hometowns after a publicly-announced hiatus by the record label. He’s decided to spend the next three weeks in your area.
You nodded then glanced sideways out the window. He vaguely mentions that it was another 10 minute drive to the next hotel–giving you time to think about how the rest of tonight could go. More sex? More Namjoon? You craved both–more than you’d like to admit…and it would’ve been much nicer without so many doubts and reservations.
You missed how carefree you both used to be. When you first met, there was no sense of time or what day it was. You’d go whenever and wherever you pleased. His schedule was packed but he always, always made time for you.
Sometimes, he’d go as far as clear out a whole place for both of you. Once or twice, he paid to access some museums after-hours. You’d stare at sculptures and paintings. He’d wax poetic about each piece while you hung on to every word he said. Afterwards, he’d take you back to the dorms and fuck you into the morning.
And then…the schedules just got more complicated. International attention heightened. Next thing you knew, he was on planes more often than he was on your bed.
“Listen,” he began, “You should know this is hard for me, too.”
“At least you have a clue about what’s going on,” you argued softly, turning away from him to look out the window while the car zoomed past your quiet neighborhood and into the city.
The announcement of the extended break was a surprise to you but he’d vaguely hinted at it several times during one of your clandestine meetings. What he hasn’t disclosed were his plans during this break.
Namjoon turned in his seat and reached for you, catching you by the nape and pulling you in. You closed your eyes, anticipating the moment when his parted lips would touch yours. His tongue caressed the curve of your mouth…the feeling had you leaning closer for more.
“Can we worry about the rest on a different day? I just want tonight to be about…us.”
Us.
Even though you went months without seeing or talking to each other, he always spoke of you collectively–never individually…never apart.
You nodded and gave him a small smile. The subtle gesture lit a flame. You stared at each other in the dark–only catching flickers of your features as you passed the staggered illumination of dim street lamps and tunnel lights. You saw him moisten his lips with his tongue and in a matter of seconds–the flame had escalated into a raging fire.
“Always so sweet,” he murmurs while you feel his finger brush the shell of your ear. The darkness combined with his deep, silky voice sends a shiver down your spine. “I’m going to spread you across my bed and lick you from head to toe.”
You hummed. “You’re good at that.” You were needy in an instant.
He pulled back, as if to look away, then surged forward again, catching your lips in a heated, hungry kiss. His mouth devoured yours, his tongue stroking, exploring. You were just as greedy for him, your hand sliding into his hair, seizing the roots while you had your fill of him. He cupped your breast in his hand, massaging it, his thumb and forefinger capturing your aching nipple and tugging rhythmically. You moaned, turned on to the point of no return.
“Fuck, YN,” he groaned, releasing you and falling back against the seat. “I want you. Right here. Now.”
Truth be told, you were incredibly tempted to demand that he raise the partition so you could climb him right then.
“Tell your man to drive faster,” you said in a rush as you pressed your thighs together–as if that would stop your juices from flowing.
He threw his head back, his laugh booming through his chest. Moments later, he turned his head, leaning against the headrest to look at you. “Fine. But when we get to bed, I’m taking it real slow.”
******
And boy, did he take it really slow..
“Namjooooon,” you dragged out. Fisting at the sheets, your body arched off the mattress, lifting yourself greedily to the torture of his mouth. You’d almost forgotten what he could do to you, how he could penetrate your skin to get into the very heart of you.
He held you pinned at the thighs, his mouth on your throbbing center, his tongue licking leisurely. The slow rhythmic strokes over your clit had you gasping. The need for an orgasm was so fierce, you were drenched in sweat, legs practically burning from the strain while he held you wide open.
“My god, your tongue…” you whined.
“Yeah? Did you miss it while I was gone?” He gives your sopping core a quick flick of his tongue.
“Ahhh! Yes…Oh my god, yes,” you groaned.
He slowly pushed two fingers into you, making you gasp softly. After a few slow pumps, he paused to turn his wrist so his palm was facing upwards. His thumb was now circling around your clit while his two other fingers, still buried in you, curled and stroked at the bundle of sensitive nerves.
The sensation made your whole body clench tightly–it won’t be long now before you’d start to fall apart.
“Yeah? Did you touch yourself?”
“Yes,” you distractedly admitted. Your mind, clearly elsewhere while he dangled you over the precipice of your climax.
And then you felt empty. Having withdrawn his hand, you saw him sitting up, gazing down at you. “Show me?”
“Show you what?” You asked, trying to regain focus.
“Show me how you touch yourself.”
You roll your eyes at him. “You’ve seen me touch myself.” You referred to previous nights when you’d call each other over video while he was away. “Now come on, please,” you begged. “Make me cum,” you almost whine.
“No, I want to see it in person,” he says.
“But you’re right here, how come I need to do it?” you argued. Any longer and you’d lose your lady-boner and call it a night.
“I’ll do it with you,” he answers. With a flash of his dimple, he sat back on his heels, dropping his hand to fist his cock.
Your eyebrows quirk, suddenly intrigued. You’d never touched yourself while he was in the same room with you. You shifted restlessly, your attention fixed on his long, nimble fingers.
“Come on,” he coaxes you while he stroked himself, squeezing right when he reached the tip, bringing a flush to his face.
Your core began to ache at the sight. Your fingers move of their own volition, sliding between your legs to rub your aching bud.
“Fuck, this looks so much hotter in person.” He was watching you closely, his gaze was hot and hungry. His tongue slid slowly along his lips, as if he was tasting you. When his teeth caught the fullest curve of his lower lip, you could have sworn you felt it.
You knew that look well. And you knew what came after it.
******
He thrusted hard, sinking deep in one lunge, wrenching a cry from you as you fell hard into orgasm. Neck arched and eyes squeezed shut, you laid on the bed as the pleasure pulsed through you, your core tightening around his cock as he kept his rhythmic ministrations.
He groaned, grabbing fistfuls of the sheets and pumping himself into you. The climax grew once more, spurred by the steady lunges of his hips...the feel of his cock fucking into you relentlessly.
You writhed helplessly, lost to him, desperately hanging on to the part of your soul that wanted to surrender. You gripped at the back of his broad shoulders tightly, your nails leaving marks and scratches at his repeated assault on you.
Namjoon’s lips were in your ear, his breath hot and needy as he growled after every thrust.
You felt the muscles flex as his body worked to give you another orgasm. You’d lost count after the second one.
His teeth sank into your earlobe, groaning in pleasure while his abdomen contracted against your stomach, his sweat and yours mixing together.
“You won’t believe how much I thought about you this whole time,” he gasped.
So he has thought about you. In what way? Thought about fucking you? Or thought about you just because? As much as you wanted to unpack that, you brush the thought aside. Right now, he was dicking you down real good–and that needed 100% of your attention.
“So g-good.” You swallowed past a dry throat.
He drove the point home with every thrust, fucking you so thoroughly you couldn’t think beyond the need to cum again.
Your body was not your own as he had come to fully possess your whole being.
Namjoon was the only one who could do this to you...make you mindless...drive you crazy. When you were in bed with him, you were his. Ready and willing to do whatever he wanted, to take whatever he chose to give you, knowing he would make you orgasm over and over...
You whined, feeling his grip tighten on you, every muscle on his body gathering as his own climax brewed.
You realized then that he was hanging onto you as desperately as you were to him, you felt that urgency in every breath, every touch.
Your eyes stung with tears when your orgasm hit, sucking the air out of your lungs, causing spots in your eyes. A long, drawn out moan escaped from your mouth–a mix of pleasure and relief.
“Ah, baby.” He kissed you, absorbing the sound, slowing until he was just circling his hips, feeling every hard inch of him inside you. “I love that sound you make when you cum. It tells me how good I make you feel…how much you love me touching you…being inside you…”
How much you loved being serviced by him. How much you loved—
He rips the thoughts away from you when he takes your mouth, kissing you deeply. His hips circled again, making you feel every inch of him. The slow, purposeful stroking over your nerves kept you hot and on-edge.
“I missed you so much, YN,” he whispered into the kiss. “Did you miss me, too?” He asks in a soft, almost pleading tone.
When you didn’t reply, he brushed the sweat-slicked hair strands away from your face and searched for the answer in your eyes.
You stared back at him wordlessly, your jaw slackened while your core rippled along his length. His eyes clenched shut and his lips parted, his body tightening along with yours. “No, no. Not yet. I don’t want to cum yet.”
“Please..come on, Joon….” You were begging and didn’t care. You just wanted him to come. You wanted it more than your next breath.
“No. I’m not rushing this.” He reached behind him to grab your wrist, bringing your right arm up and over your head. His other hand pushed beneath your bottom, lifting you into a smooth, easy thrust. “Hmm...so good. So perfect for me. Always.”
You wanted to tease him with your own little naughty comeback, to play the game just as he was, but you couldn’t think of anything. You were at a loss for words.
“Stop thinking and just feel it…feel me,” he murmured, nibbling on the corner of your mouth, dragging his lips across your jawline. “Let me make you feel good, baby. That’s all I want. To make you feel good.”
Turning your head, you caught his lower lip with your teeth and let him.
******
“Tell me what you’re thinking.” His thumb brushed the corner of your brow and drifted down to your cheek, tucking stray strands behind your ear.
Your lips twisted wryly while you laid in bed, cocooned in him. You glanced up at him. “How sexy you are. It’s embarrassing how often I think about that. I need to get over it already.”
He cupped the back of your thigh and urged you tighter against him, teasing you with an expert roll of his hips. It was sickening how much he knew his way around your body. “As if I’d allow you to do that.”
You scoffed, pushing off him slightly. “Huh. ‘Allow me?’ A little cocky there, aren't we?” Deep down, heat slid through your bloodstream…your body becoming way too greedy for him.
“Don’t tell me you don’t prefer a fan who’s more starry-eyed and would easily drop their panties for you, Mr. Kim.”
He ignored your jab. “What I want,” he purred, cupping your jaw and rubbing your bottom lip with the pad of his thumb, “...Is you being too busy thinking about me to think about anyone else.”
You pulled in a slow and shaky breath. You were completely captivated by the smoldering look in his eyes, his sexy-as-hell voice, his body, and the mouthwatering scent of his skin. He was your drug, and there were no signs of you kicking the habit.
“Namjoon,” you breathed, completely entranced.
With a soft groan, he sealed his mouth over yours, stealing away thoughts of what time it was with a lush, deep kiss…a kiss that almost succeeded in distracting you from seeing the slightest hint of insecurity he’d just revealed.
You pushed your fingers into his hair to hold him still and kissed him back, your tongue sliding along his.
His arms banded around you and tightened possessively. “I want to spend the weekend with you down by the coast—naked.”
He had a little known vacation property by the beach. There were suspicions from gossip sites but nobody could ever confirm. He had taken you there a few times. It had its own private beach access and was remote enough so nobody would randomly come snooping.
You giggled. “Sounds like every guy’s wet dream.” As big of a kick as you got out of Namjoon in a bespoke suit, you much preferred him stripped down.
“Is that all we’re going to do?” You wondered. “You want me laying there, all ready and splayed for you?”
He let out a deep, sexy chuckle. “We could go on a hike. Maybe swim? Watch the stars. We’ll have some food to eat…and then I’ll eat you out,” He traced vague shapes on your hip bone with his pointer finger, making you squirm.
“Haven’t you had your fill?” You ask him.
“Of you?” He laughed. “Can you fit the ocean into a cup?”
You scrunch your face in confusion. He was always good with his metaphors, which flowed easily into his lyrics.
“You and your damn hyperboles.” You remarked with a laugh.
“I don’t exaggerate. It’s just a fact,” he answers frankly. For a moment, your head floats up into the clouds again. You feel a light, warm fluttering within your chest.
“So–would you be okay with that plan? You, me–alone in a beach house…clothing completely optional?”
With a sigh, you acquiesced.
******
Lani eyed you as you slid onto a bar stool at her breakfast nook the next morning. She knew when she saw your makeup-free state, which betrayed the shower you’d taken just a half hour before. She quietly poured you a cup of coffee, sliding it towards you. She opens the fridge and puts the creamer next to you.
“I forgot how much I like Namjoon,” she said casually as she looked out her kitchen window, watching his black car with heavily tinted windows drive off.
You nodded while stirring in the creamer in your coffee. You liked Namjoon, too. Thing was, in his line of work, the way the band was just starting to hit their stride globally–it made things…painfully uncertain.
“You two gonna work it out or what?”
“I don’t know,” you say vaguely, taking a long sip of your coffee…as if it held the answers to all of your questions about him. “At least this time, I know the rules.”
“Okay so maybe I don’t like him so much anymore.” Lani poured herself another cup and took a sip and sighed. “I always had a feeling that he was in love with you,” she says unceremoniously.
“He’s in lust,” You countered dryly. “And…whatever, I can live with that. It’s the other stuff—the way he talks to me sometimes, as if there’s more. I keep running all of these scenarios in my head, about why he keeps coming back to me—that part is hard for me to deal with. It’s kind of a mind-fuck.”
“You know that I know some people who can knock some sense into him,” she deadpans as she peered at you above her coffee mug.
You smiled. “I think it would be better if those people knocked some sense into me instead.”
“We can do that, too. It’ll be like a two-for-one deal.” She tapped her mug against yours. “But you’ve got plenty of sense. You know what you’re doing. You just wished you weren’t doing it,” she chuckled. “And he obviously doesn’t have a clue or else he wouldn’t risk letting you get away. He’ll never find anyone better, you know. Someone who knows him inside and out.”
You snorted at her. “Don’t get all sappy on me now, Leilani. I might have to kick your ass.” She laughed at the way you invoked her full name. You were only half-joking. In reality, you felt emotional and…attached. Sex with Namjoon did that.
“Fine, if you want to skip the sappy shit, let’s just eat. Get off your ass and help me make breakfast.”
With a groan, you slid off the bar stool. You weren’t much for cooking–more about eating. “Damn. Can we get back to being sappy instead?”
Before you round the counter to head into the kitchen, your phone pings. It was a text from Namjoon, saying that he just got a last-minute individual schedule and that next weekend might be up in the air.
You scoffed after you read it, and practically flung your phone against the counter, where it lands with a heavy clack, startling Lani. “You okay, babe?”
“Yeah,” you answer instantaneously, swallowing your irritation, hoping it would pass.
Did you really expect anything less? The company liked to keep them busy even with scheduled breaks. Just because he wasn’t traveling, did you actually think you’d get some quality time with him? It was easier said than done.
Lani stands there eyeing you suspiciously. But before she picks up on your sudden contemplative vibe, you distract her.
“What do you need help with? Do you want me to cut up stuff? Mix? Beat anything?”
She laughs and goes on asking you to take some scallions and eggs out of the fridge to make pajeon.
“Did you want anything else in it? Ham? Kimchi?” She asks you.
You sighed. “I’m cool with whatever,” you say, noncommittally.
She tells you to chop up the scallions, showing you the right way to position your fingers and hold the knife. You mimic her actions thinking that it wasn’t that difficult to learn.
Now, if only Namjoon were just as easy to figure out.
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Thank you so much for reading!
If you loved it, please comment, reblog, or send me feedback! 📩. I love hearing from readers! If you didn’t like it so much, I would still like to hear about it. Help me become a better writer! 💜
Tagging: @internetjunkdrawer @deepseavibez @itdoesntmatterwhy @yu-justme
#bts fan fiction#namjoon#namjoon x reader#kim namjoon#bangtanbathhouse#btswritingcafe#btshoneyhive#btscarnivalnet#namjoon smut#bts smut#bts kim namjoon#bts namjoon#bts rm#knj smut#knj angst#knj fluff#namjoon angst#bts angst#bts fluff#namjoon fluff#on tilt x knj
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How JJK men act on Christmas.
(December).
warnings: i am new and totally clueless spare me. uh... cussing i guess? tf am i supposed to write here :( and yes i am writing it in november. english is not my first language (will be open for some advices). i take it too seriously.
Gojo Satoru
He is the first to go for that fucking PINE tree, place it in the middle of the living room and decorate it. It doesn't matter that you are complaining because it's only the 1st and the tree made a big mess. Of course the christmas tree has to be real.
He makes you stay in the kitchen almost everyday for a few hours. Gojo had a sweet tooth and you just need to make him something. No matter what.
In your house you feel like in the store. Christmas songs playing over and over again. You start to wonder if He does it on purpose to piss you off or playing "Jingle bell rock" or different every other song just makes a full grown ass man happy.
He doesn't wait til' morning for the gifts. After Christmas Eve He just can't sit straight and wait til' everybody is done eating and talking so He can get his hands on those bags and boxes. You feel like Satoru is your cousin, not a boyfriend.
Toji Fushiguro
He basically doesn't care about the tree nor traditions at all. You want a Christmas tree? Go and get it. Though, Toji is not so cruel and He will actually help you bring the Christmas tree and everything you need.
Don't you dare actually play a Christmas song more than once. He is already fed up when He was stuck with you in the shop for a few hours and poor Toji had to listen to it on a loop. It's one of his excuses to not work here. Same with everything else so you can provide for him.
Toji actually enjoys your cooking and baking. Not as much as Gojo but still He won't refuse when you offer him a gingerbread man.
About the gifts... He has no shame at all and buys you presents with your credit card. But this Christmas his masculine side was louder than his arrogance and actually paid himself. Still won't tell you how He got the money.
You don't go to your family on Christmas Eve with him, you go alone for a few hours and then come back to him sitting on the couch waiting.
Nanami Kento
He will gladly help you with decorating the Christmas tree and house. If He has enough energy, Kento will actually take you himself to the shop to buy new decorations and useless things you will use only this year.
Helps you with the cooking. All the meat, fishes and salads are made by him. The only thing He leaves for you is baking. He just doesn't feel it... and the burned paint on the wall in the kitchen too.
He doesn't mind the songs as long as you don't over do it and if you do He will just turn it off, calm himself for five minutes and ask you politely to stop.
On Christmas Eve He presents himself very well in front of the family. Don't drink.
Wash you all over with gifts. All the perfumes and clothes you saw and had on your "to get" list. You never actually try to ask him for anything throughout the year because you feel ashamed, but now him and you have excuses for it.
Geto Suguru
Very gentle and patient with you. Let's you decorate everything as you wish. He eventually helps you carry heavy things and holds you up to place the star or angle on the top of the tree.
Eat everything you made him. He is your no.1 taster. When you cook, Geto will just look at you warmly and taste the food you give him. You can't rely on his truthful opinion at all. Even if it's too salty or sweet Suguru will just nod in enjoyment and tell you that you're the best cook.
He actually enjoys the songs and can sit with you all day and sing them for you or just listen to them begin delighted by the atmosphere.
You both go to each other's parents and then to your friends. You will be the drunk one at the end of the Christmas Eve.
Gets you a one but big gift you want. A new phone? Got it. A expansive dress? Got it. But let's not touch the part that when he takes to go shopping in the december He buys too much for your enjoyment.
Sukuna Ryomen
He doesn't understand your stupid traditions and almost forbid you to actually celebrate Christmas, when He saw you bringing a fucking tree in the house.
He will only eat meat and everything that looks similar to everyday food. Sukuna refuses to eat your gingerbread cookies and candy cones commenting that He won't "...eat some cookie shaped in questionable human, what do you take me for?".
If you want to listen to your songs. Get yourself headphones honey. Ryomen is done with those bullshit songs and their universality. Why would you switch your music taste for a month? Why would you even listen to music in the first place?
He will not come with you nor let you to your parents. If you want to celebrate you can. But only with him alone. You should be happy that Sukuna even let you.
The only thing He does will be actually giving you gifts. Ryomen always loves seeing you so happy and cheery after seeing gifts. And of course most of the present are for his own enjoyment.
#jjk#jjk headcanons#gojo satoru#geto suguru#jjk geto#jjk gojo#sukuna#ryomen sukuna#toji fushiguro#headcanon#nanami kento#jjk nanami#christmas#anime and manga#jjk toji#jujutsu kaisen
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Amigo the Devil: Volume 1 Starters
sentences taken from the 2015 album. edit as desired. warning: this one does NOT pass the Hayes Code lmao. content includes, but is not limited to: sex, violence (both domestic and otherwise), alcohol, strong language, religion, general moral degeneracy, et cetera
It's all for you.
I'd rot in hell with you, if you'd just ask me to.
Come on, believe me, follow me home, there's no judgement here.
Take the shot.
This night is going to end horribly for someone.
I'm not so much afraid of letting go as much as scared of giving up.
Open up to me.
The Devil came and sold his fucking soul to me!
If I've hurt you, please forgive me. Love makes you do funny things.
This fire feels so real.
Don't say a word, my darling. I know how you feel.
On rainy days, we'll drink until the gray is left in nothing but our hair.
I know you want it, too.
I'll lay by your side 'til everything is rotten through.
Tonight, we'll celebrate life! Eat the best food and drink the best wine.
I hope your husband dies.
Are you feeling upside down or even empty inside?
Meet me down by the bar. We'll go and take this drink out to the stars.
Death is just one moment.
Some people follow rules, some people go around.
As an elephant, I'm only really relevant when I'm standing in the room.
I am the son of an asshole.
No one deserves my world quite like you do.
I'm not so much afraid of being alone, just kind of feel I've had enough.
God knows I'll do what I need.
These hands are stronger than you're led to believe.
We'll never have a house to decorate, a place that we can call our home.
If I can't have you, nobody will.
There's only one thing in this life that makes us living.
I want to be where all the stupid shit I say sounds so romantic and true.
Live with me in this sin forever.
There's nothing left to lose, 'cuz I've already lost it all.
Tonight, I'll follow you home and start up a fire that'll keep us both warm.
Hang around, let down your hair.
So you should start to undress and just… try a little less.
Now you're with this asshole- you expect me to believe it's gonna last?
Let me have this dance with you.
Your eyes look like diamonds still stuck inside the mines.
When your tongue is putrid and your skin is sagging down, I'll stick around.
It's true, I hate everything but you.
We'll laugh a little, drink a little, see what you're made of.
All the bridges in the world won't lead you back to fix what couldn't be erased.
This fairytale just ain't coming true.
I'll drive my car like I stole it, drink at the bar like I own it.
These wrinkles are the maps of all the places we went no one else would dare.
I'd rather have a reason I should stay.
There's always gonna be a better high, and a lower down.
We take things a little far, but you couldn't name a place I wouldn't go with you.
I'm capable of making you disappear.
I have a couple different faces if you need a place to hide.
The time we spent together when the light was out became my thought of you.
I am the agent that decides your fate.
There's only one kind of people in the world: people who die!
It doesn't matter what you've heard or if you're good or bad and everything between.
I love the shitty things we do together.
It's been a while since I've held anything as close as I have you.
I'd like to live my life just like a dog. Humble as can be and unconditional in everything I love.
I'll make you famous one way or another.
Home is the last place that I'd stand to be with anyone but you.
I'd crawl in bed with you. Even in someone else's blood, on top of someone else's love, in the worst motel we find.
This life is a maze with only one way out.
Every dime spent is worth looking good- and that's Hollywood!
They'll write about our story here for years to come and maybe even more, cuz there's never been a love like this before.
I'll cut to the chase, just don't try to leave.
Trust me, I'm not jealous, I'm just hoping that he really messes up.
When I had you near me I just couldn't think of anything to say, but now that I'm alone, I got the perfect things to tell you everyday.
We'll leave the world the way dreamers do.
All the parties we can throw - we'll dress like anything we please!
All the distance that we've spent apart will never have to mean a thing. Every mile I traveled was to find the perfect stone to fit your ring.
Living in the moment's hard when everything I want is in the past.
When the night falls, out comes the terror.
Your heart will always have a place to live with nothing left to be.
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20 questions for fic writers
tagged by @shadoedseptmbr ages and ages ago
tagging uh... i have no fucking clue. anyone who writes! no pressure! please blame me! @fancytrinkets @la-muerta @leahazel @jadesabre301 & ?!?!?
1: How many works do you have on AO3?
178 fics, since this is a fic writer meme.
2: What's your total AO3 wordcount?
1,193,590, with the caveat that that includes a collab fic of 190,409 words of which I was primarily writing only one of three POV characters. (And also one other shorter collab and the minimal amount of words required to describe the podfic/fanmixes.)
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Mostly Shadowhunters (TV) atm, a lot of BioWare Games (especially Dragon Age 2) and then a truly random smattering of smaller games and tiny!fandom prompts back when askbox games were more common here plus Yuletide/Fic Exchange Matches On Unexpected Things. (I think I've broken 20 fandoms on AO3, depending on how one counts the various DA sub-fandoms.)
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
These are all Shadowhunters and Malec fics. The first three are complete, the last two are WIPs.
two are halves of one
My only posted 5+1 fic, a series of outsider perspectives on Alec & Magnus & their very long day of denied cuddles/alone time. 😅
i cannot touch because they are too near
Parabatai Feels & Magic Lore! I wrote this for a Season 3B countdown event, and it's Magnus Being A Nerd and trying to figure out how this parabatai thing works. I snuck Jace and Michael Wayland feels in there kind of sideways too. I do think it's one of the most self-indulgent things I've ever written (epistolary! melancholy comfort! No Plot!) with many thanks to @rutherinahobbit because she helped me land the ending.
with an if in its soul
So I killed Alec off-screen right before the fic starts, and proceeded to keep poor Magnus very upset about it for the following 22k words. (It gets better! I promise! No one stays dead!) I got many angry and wailing comments, I have never been so proud. (This one suffered from very dramatic scope creep while I was trying to write it, which amused tumblr a lot, and this time I have to thank @poemsfromthealley for helping to make it work. And also the blurb, because I just could not figure out how to post it for ages.)
i am for you
Epistolary!Fluff Fic that was supposed to be a bit of a missed connection thing for @pameluke but Alec instead proposed to Magnus on first sight and I just kind of went with that instead.
/I am not in charge of the voices in my head
It is the first fic I ever had really break containment and get a lot of engagement/comments/subs/etc. It has been out-kudosed now, obviously as it's #4 on this list, but that's only because I killed the momentum and never finished it. 😅😅😅 ISTFG I am going to finish it some day though!
if broken hearts were whole
From a soulmates/massage combined prompt meme thing ALSO for @pameluke. I got stuck on this one largely because I had three different prequel/s1 retellings in my head at the same time and I kind of tangled them all up too much to get any of them done. I will eventually figure this one out too, but I may have to finish one of the other things to sort of clean my brain out, and I haven't managed that either.
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
In theory? I got hung up on a comment from an FTH bidder the year I failed to finish my FTH fic, and didn't want to reply to their comment 'til I wrote their fic?
which doesn't make much sense, but brains are weird, so there we are
someday I'll answer the backlong. it's only like two or three years at this point? 😅😭🤣
6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
so about uh... five years ago? there was a really popular gifset format from an Elizabeth Hewer poem called in one timeline and I haven't the faintest idea how to gifset so I wrote a fic for Malec instead. [ao3]
I have written other things which Have Angst, but for me I tend to ease the ending... this is one of the few where I didn't.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Everything Else! (Almost)
I think, as an exercise in the true form of Happily Ever After, I'd have to go with Fine Feathers, which is an epilogue to a Georgette Heyer Regency Romance novel I did for Yuletide 2016.
8. Do you get hate on your fic?
Not usually. I don't even get people yelling at me to update on my WIPs, which may be hateful but isn't the same thing 😅
/and I'm certainly not complaining about either of these things, but I wish I knew how I avoided The Discourse™️so I could do it on purpose
9. Do you write smut?
I used to pretty regularly. I was even known as a smut!fic writer when Dragon Age Fandom and I were mutually more active together. Not so much (on either the writing quantity or the requests for more smut) for Shadowhunters.
10. Do you write crossovers?
Mostly no? I did two very short ficlets for Bingo Squares. I do still believe that Leverage is the Fix-It Fandom that fits everywhere and thus only kind-of counts as a crossover, plus I wrote a Shadowhunters / Inception bit with Ariadne as a Warlock.
I do also enjoy a good fusion fic, aka using a different canon as an AU setting, rather than combining characters from two settings.
For example: Shadowhunters Characters as BAU Agents from Criminal Minds!
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I'm aware of? I've seen it happen to co-authors though, and other friends
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Yes! I am still stunned and amazed and delighted by this!
Batty_Blue translated several of my Shadowhunters fics into Russian:
a flower of always
i cannot touch because they are too near
trust your heart
ashes of angels / ashes of roses
And Pomyluna translated 'First Choice' into Polish
13. Have you ever co-written a fic?
Yes!
Only once successfully (aka one and done and finished and posted), and that was entirely thanks to my co-author Raph. 😅 (Against All Odds for @galedekarios back when I knew her as Chignon on an actual forum prior to tumblr. She's who got me onto tumblr, so if you met me here? That's her fault. 🥰)
I have started things with people a few times that never got posted, and there's a massive Mass Effect retelling on potentially permanent hiatus, though all three of us do hold out hope that someday our lives will align again. (Persephone Rising)
14. What‘s your all-time favourite ship?
Me & Sleep
(Sorry, can't do it, can't choose. Beware My Armada. With a couple ancient ship leviathans which can raise themselves from the deep with the slightest provocation.)
15. What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
Every thing I have ever posted (except for 12 Moons) is something that I do in fact hold out hope I will eventually finish.
Things I have not started posting are too numerous to count and/or list. Sometimes they come back. Sometimes they are fertilizer for other things that will be written later.
16. What’s your writing strengths?
Dialogue and hopeful melancholy? I get a lot of compliments on emotion/mood, and I do feel like I am usually pleased with the, idk, vibes of most of what I write.
17. What’s your writing weaknesses?
Plot & structure! What is? How do? What do you mean I have to have things happen rather than just reacting all the time?!?
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
I have done it with mixed success and there are definitely ways to do it more accessibly than I did. It can add a lot, but you do have to think about the execution.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Uh. I think Lois & Clark back when I was a teen!jilly. Either that or Sailormoon when I was a slightly older teen!jilly?
In terms of posting in public, it was Bioware something, either Mass Effect or Dragon Age: Origins back around when Thing 2 was born. And he's 14 now, so... 😅
Orion's Belt, I think? I didn't originally post it on AO3, and then I deleted myself off the internet for awhile, and then I re-uploaded everything, and I'm bad at time in the best of circumstances, which that clearly was not, so it might not have been that one specifically but it was close.
20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?
I CAN'T CHOSE JUST ONE WTF
As a formative event/process, I have a certain enduring fondness for Lost for Words, which was like the first fic I really wrote while in fandom... I was social about it and posted while I was writing and finished (eventually) and it is still the longest single story I have ever written. (Tho I am for you will beat it out when I finish that.)
It's not particuarly good from the perspective of who I am as a writer some dozen years later, but it's sincerely meant cotton candy, at least. 🤣
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1-5 about Jason/Red Hood
1. Why do you like or dislike this character?
It's 4:58 am as I start answering this ask and I might descend into delirium as I write this but. Firstly we have to get this out of the way yes I have a crush on him okay moving on. I've said this before but like. He was reintroduced as a batman villain. Maybe the most tragic batman villain? Maybe one of the most tragic comic book villains ever? Cause even as he manages to outsmart batman - I meant to say this earlier, actually, I think it's so cool that he outsmarted batman this is never brought up again but like HE WON if it weren't for the human element of actually getting Bruce to let him kill the joker. But okay back to the sentence - he still refers to Bruce as his family. Again and again it's made clear that that was his dad, goddammit, and the tragedy of it is so heartbreaking. One of the only moments I truly loved in RHATO 2011 is when Jason gives up his happiest memory - Bruce staying home from patrol with him when he was sick during his robin days. For one what a sweet fucking moment. Secondly it further shows the tragedy of it all - he was happy, and that happiness itself is part of the reason it all hurts so much. And yeah I get it in a lot of ways. And again I also just think he's cool and kicks ass but like the themes. THE THEMES
2. Favorite canon thing about this character?
That he's a book nerd who loved going to school
3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?
Mmmmm most of the writing is bad yeah. Makes it hard to choose. Also the fact that like so much is dubiously canon? Idk I'm just gonna say the fact that they gave him to Scott Lobdell for so long
Edit: OBVIOUSLY I should've written here the idea that he was the violent robin
4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?
Well he's already in comics, animated movies, and live action tv shows so. I guess a book is all I have left? Or a really good live action movie which seems unlikely
5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?
OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS QUESTION it's my tears ricochet by Taylor Swift herself like. Okay oh my God prepare yourselves
We gather here, we line up
Weepin' in a sunlit room, and
If I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too
Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe
All the hell you gave me?
'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you
'Til my dying day
So this first verse describes a funeral (the song is from the pov of a ghost) and like. Jason dies in an explosion so the fire thing makes complete sense. And I read the song as Jason talking NOW so he's like, even though I disappointed you and died needlessly, did I deserve the treatment I've received since? A batarang to the throat, being beaten half to death, the distrust and cruelty? Cause you were my dad till the moment I died (and I still want you to be I still want you to be I still want you to be)
I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
And you're the hero flying around, saving face
And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed
Look at how my tears ricochet
So the prechorus and chorus really hammer home the point of the song which is I'm right here, why can't you see me? But then this first prechorus has the bonus of also referring to the person the pov character is talking to as a hero flying around, evoking the classic image of a superhero. Bruce if you love me, why won't you look at me and see I'm here. Bruce if you loved me, how could you build that shrine to a kid that never was.
We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean
Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring
You know I didn't want to have to haunt you
But what a ghostly scene
You wear the same jewels that I gave you
As you bury me
I don't have as much to say about this verse but I do think the imagery of throwing stones sort of inherently invokes glass houses, and I do think that matches Jason's pov. Also: as you bury me - literally and figuratively. You left me in the past and moved on. Never mind that he didn't actually, that's how it feels.
I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave
And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed
Look at how my tears ricochet
CAUSE WHEN I'D FIGHT YOU USED TO TELL ME I WAS BRAVE!!!!!!!
And I can go anywhere I want
Anywhere I want, just not home
And you can aim for my heart, go for blood
But you would still miss me in your bones
And I still talk to you (when I'm screaming at the sky)
And when you can't sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)
I literally named one of my fics, one that's about the days after Jason's death, stolen lullabies, because. Ffs. He was just a kid. HE WAS JUST A KID. And you can aim for my heart go for blood hurts so much more if you're thinking about the batarang not just physically (also physically) but also symbolically what it meant. I choose the joker over you, Jason. Maybe that isn't what it meant to Bruce, but it is definitely what it meant to Jason. Anywhere I want just not home... "Cause he took me away from you".........
I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves
You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed
You turned into your worst fears
And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain
Crossing out the good years
And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed
Look at how my tears ricochet
The battleships..... All they do is argue and clash and mourn the relationship they used to have. "You had to kill me but it killed you just the same" are we talking about the way Bruce buried his son and it killed him? Are we talking about the betrayal of his morals at the end of UTRH? and then also YOU TURNED INTO YOUR WORST FEARS!!!! Bruce sunk into his grief and will NEVER be the same. Crossing out the good years..... A little meta but this is where I think about how DC has been trying to rewrite Jason's robin run as him being "the violent one" when in fact he was the biggest goddamn nerd. Like the tragedy of it all ...
Look at how my tears ricochet. Look at how my grief turns to violence. Look at what's left of us
I am so normal about this. Okay it's 5:23 I think it's time for me to go to bed
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Fem!Reader x TWDG Luke - Part 1.
All That Remains | Introduction
23yo , Fem!Reader , slow burn , long plot , reader is in place of young Clementine .
Fandom: The Walking Dead Game, Season 2
Reader pronouns: She/Her
Wc. 2.3K
IN THIS EPISODE | Comfort, no romance, introduction.
A/N: This is just an introduction to immerse the reader and prepare them before meeting Luke. And to clear up the timeline of this fanfic... The reader is a 23 year old woman who has experienced everything Clementine had originally gone through in season 1, except, instead of being 9 years old, she was 16 when she inevitably loses Lee. It has been 7 years since that day, and now everything picks up the same as it does in the beginning of season 2, only she is now 23 years old. You have been surviving with Christa for 7 years, and haven't found a place to call home yet, but are planning to head to "Wellington". This story will thoroughly follow the original script, but with lots of new added scenes!
The pacing of my writing may be a bit fast at times, but be assured, this will be a slow burn.
Y/N: Christa, talk to me.
Christa sighs, stands up, and tends to the fire.
Christa: This'll never work. Look at this, it's pathetic. The wood's too wet to burn. There's more smoke than flame. At this rate, we'll be eating this for breakfast.
Y/N: What else can we do?
Christa: Find something that'll burn, maybe. I dunno. Won't be easy in the dark and in the rain.
Y/N: I might have something in my bag.
There is a period of silence, and before I get up to go look for something to burn, I feel the need to say,
Y/N: We need to find a group. People we can trust. We've been on our own for too long.
Christa: Trust? You think you can trust someone out here? Not now. Not anymore.
I wrap my arms around myself.
Y/N: I'm freezing.
Christa: I know. Me too. But if you think this is bad, wait 'til we get up to Wellington, then talk to me about cold. If we make it. We still have a couple hard months ahead of us. This rain will turn to sleet, then ice, then snow. It won't be easy.
Y/N: You think we'll even make it that far?
Christa: Maybe. I don't know.
...
Christa: We just need to keep moving north.
I stand up.
Christa: We sure as hell can't stay here.
Y/N: I miss Lee.
Christa: I'm sure you do.
...
Christa: Sigh I'm gonna go look for more wood. You just keep the fire lit.
Christa leaves and I grab my backpack. I need to find something that would burn. I have a photo of Lee, a drawing of Kenny and his family that Duck drew... a piece of paper, and my lighter. I take my bag and kneel at the fire. I burn the paper and throw it into the flames, making it burn brighter.
Y/N: Better. But still not enough. The flames are too low.
I look through my bag again. Do I dare burn any of these?... No. What am I thinking? I get up and find a damp log...
Y/N: A little wet, but it's good enough to burn...
Right after I place the log into the fire, I hear people talking.. I follow the noise through the woods.
Stranger1: Jesus, are you fuckin' kidding me?!
Stranger1/Stranger2/Stranger3: Out here alone? In the middle of nowhere? But we haven't met anyone yet. How many people are you with?
Stranger1/Stranger2/Stranger3: Hate to see someone get hurt.
Stranger1/Stranger2/Stranger3: Now, hold on, she's setting you up.
Christa: I'm by myself.
Stranger1/Stranger2/Stranger3: You're obviously with someone. Where's your group?
I see Christa... and she's surrounded by a hostile group.
Stranger1: Don't fucking lie to us!
Stranger3: Who do you think you're foolin'?
Stranger1: Give us the truth and you don't get hurt.
Stranger3: You fuckin' with me? shoves Christa Where's the rest of your group?!
Christa: I'm by myself!
Stranger2: Bullshit!
Stranger1: She's lyin'.
Stranger3: points gun at Christa Cut the shit, lady.
Christa: It's... it's just me.
Stranger2: Come on, guys! points gun at Christa She's not saying!
Stranger3: You expect us to believe you're out here all alone?!
I'm panicked... I have no weapons, and no idea what to do! I need to distract them or something. So I pick up a rock and throw it at this guy's (Stranger1's) face.
Stranger1: What the fuck?!
Y/N: Christa, run!
Stranger1: Hey!
I see Christa run away, but hear a gunshot. I'm sure she's okay... I run in the opposite direction.
Stranger1: Get the fuck over here! Now!
I hide behind a tree.
Stranger1: Motherfucker! Come out here, girl. I'm not fucking around. Look, girl, ain't no way you're smart enough to get outta this. Just come out.
I run, and the man chases me. He's large. Much larger than me... He's wearing a big hiking bag, and has a scary face... There's something real disturbing about him- besides the fact that he's attacking me...
Stranger1: Shit! Get the fuck over here!
I crawl under a fallen tree and continue running.
Stranger1: Goddamn it!
As I'm running, I'm dodging walkers. Hoping one of them gets a hold of this man...
Stranger1: Fuck!
He kicks the walker's knee and stomps on its head. I then break a branch off of a tree.
I step aside as the man charges forward at me, then I stab him in the shoulder with the branch.
Stranger1: Jesus, are you fuckin' kidding me?!
I continue running, but then stop. I'm suddenly at the edge of a riverbank. I can't go anywhere else, and the man grabs me.
Y/N: Leave me alone!
Stranger1: Then stop fucking running! Quit squirming!
I bite his hand.
Stranger1: Ah! Fuck! Ah! Ow, let go, you little bitch, Jesus Christ!
He releases me after I bite him. I quickly scan my surroundings and see a big hollow log. I crawl into it in attempt to get away.
Stranger1: Come out of there!
He grabs my leg. I try my best to kick him over and over. He drags me backward and I grab onto a nearby tree.
Stranger1: Jesus, are you fuckin' kidding me?! Come on, girl.
No matter how hard I tried to hold on, he ends up pulling me away from the tree. He grabs onto my wrists and I try to kick him away again.
Y/N: What do you want from me!??
Stranger1: You are on my last fucking nerve! Stop fucking kicking!
The thought of what he could possibly want from me... I gather my strength and kick as hard as I can. My kick forces him backward. Then a walker grabs him.
Stranger1: No, shit!
Just when I think I'm in the clear, another walker grabs my arm. I do my best to pull away. I'm just inches from a bite...
I break free, ripping off the walker's arm. I step aside as a walker approaches, and it attacks the man, ripping out his throat. I run through the woods, dodging more walkers.
But then, I trip and fall. There's dozens of walkers coming towards me. I am left helpless. I have nothing to defend myself. I'm crawling away backwards, then pick up a nearby rock. I throw it at one of the walkers in attempt to fight them off. It's no use. I keep moving backwards, then fall off of the cliff into the river below.
The water is freezing, and the current is pulling me away swiftly. It all happens so fast... The cold water takes my breath away, and I couldn't swim out of this even if the current wasn't so strong. That's when everything goes black...
~~~
I'm not sure how... but I survive... my mind is groggy as I wake up ashore. My clothes are soaking wet and I have no clue where I am.
Y/N: Hello?
There is a canoe in the distance. It says "JR. TANUKI'S KIDS CAMP" and is split in two, the other half stuck on some rocks in the river. How sad...
I find a staircase. What's left of it at least... It's just a wooden platform now. I jump and try to grab the top ledge of the broken stairs. It takes me a few tries, but I eventually pull myself up.
Y/N: Christa, are you there?
I look around and see a grave. I look sadly at the grave made of sticks.
Y/N: Sigh
I walk along the trail ahead.
I see a sign that says:
YOU MAY ENCOUNTER:
BLACK BEARS
COYOTES
MOUNTAIN LIONS
POISONOUS SNAKES
OR OTHER SPECIES
BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS
I shake my head. I don't see many animals anymore. I'd be kinda happy to come across one of these... I guess?
I climb over a fallen tree in my path and continue walking. Eventually I hear the bushes rustle, discovering... a dog! What crazy timing... He growls at me...
Y/N: It's okay, boy, it's okay...
I carefully check the tag on his collar.
Y/N: "Sam". Well, nice to meet you, Sam.
Sam walks a short distance away and sniffs the ground.
Y/N: What are you doing?
Sam barks and runs off.
Y/N: Sam. Sam!
I wonder to myself, if I should follow him.
Y/N: Where are you going? Wait up!
Of course I will! I've found a dog! I chase after him. He brings me to an abandoned campsite.
Y/N: Hello?! This place looks pretty run over, but you never know. Let's look around for some food.
I let Sam sniff my hand, and then I pet him.
Y/N: There you go... I'm not gonna hurt you...
I look around for something to eat.
Y/N: Find anything yet?
Of course the dog won't answer. But I talk to him to keep my spirits up... Then, I spot a frisbee on the ground!
Y/N: Hey! Wanna play? Wanna play catch?
Sam barks at me and wags his tail, so I throw the disc and he catches it!
Y/N: Okay, bring it back!
He drops the disc in front of my feet.
Y/N: Good boy Sam!
We keep playing until my stomach growls again, and I remember, I should probably be looking for food instead, so I end the game of catch and Sam walks away.
I find a big metal barrel full of trash. I need to know if there's anything good in there...
Y/N: Well... here we go.
I roll up my sleeves and digs in the trash, finding a full can of beans.
Y/N: Oh my God. Thank you! Look, Sam, a can!
Now I just needed to find something to open it with... I approach one side of the camp, and Sam barks.
Y/N: What's the matter, Sam?
Sam continues barking.
Y/N: Shh! We have to be quiet.
I approach Sam and try to talk to him. I eventually see that he's barking at a walker tied to a tree.
Y/N: It's okay. He's dead. Look, you can see the bite. Looks like he tried to cut it out.
I pause and think of Lee...
Y/N: But that never works...
Sam whines at the walker.
Y/N: It's okay. We're smart and he's not. We're smarter than all of them.
I look at the knife buried in the walker's shoulder and try to pull it out, but the walker almost grabs me. I pick up a nearby branch and prepare to smash in its skull.
Y/N: Stand back, okay?
I sling the giant branch over my shoulder, then repeatedly smash the walker's head with the branch until it dies.
Y/N: See? We just have to stay out of their reach.
I search the walkers pocket.
Y/N: I like to think that...if they were alive, they'd probably want to help you.
I find nothing in its pocket.
Y/N: Sigh Nothing.
I grab the knife and wipe off the blood.
Y/N: Still pretty sharp.
I look at Sam and smile.
Y/N: Okay, well, now we're getting somewhere.
I walk away from the walker and sit on a log, holding the knife and can of beans.
Y/N: Please don't be bad.
I cut the can open. It looks good enough to me.
Y/N: Thank God...
I eat the food with my hands. Sam sits down and whines.
Y/N: I guess you're pretty hungry too.
I couldn't just let Sam go hungry! I hold out some of the food.
Y/N: Here ya go.
Sam lunges at my hand and I drop the can. He tries to eat all of the beans.
Y/N: Hey! Don't eat it all.
I pick up the can. But then... Sam jumps up and bites my arm, dragging me to the ground. I scream in fear, and more so, pain!
I repeatedly punch Sam in the face, as much as I don't ever want to hurt an animal...
Sam takes a few steps back, and lunges at me again, but I kick him backwards, and he disappears behind a log... I grab my knife... I'm almost frozen in shock... As I'm shaking, I slowly walk over to him, where I discover... he is impaled with several metal spikes.
He whines and flails, trying to get free. The sight makes me sick to my stomach... How did I end up like this so fast? Why did he have to do it!? My eyes swell with tears as I think to myself... He is just a dog, he is just doing what comes naturally... But I wish it could have been different.
I snap out of my thoughts and quickly realize, Sam is suffering. I need to end it for him...
Y/N: I'm... I'm sorry, Sam.
I stab Sam in the throat, killing him. I roll down my sleeves to cover the bite and leave the camp.
I continue walking through the woods. All that is going through my mind is the burdening disgust at the nature of this world. I find a dog... then have to kill it because it attacked me? Why? Why couldn't we have just been friends?
It reminds me of everything else in this world now. I don't think I could trust anyone ever again after Christa... Her words run through my mind over and over, "Trust? You think you can trust someone out here? Not now. Not anymore..."
I whimper in pain and exhaustion and sit down, leaning against a rock. I can't go anymore... my vision becomes blurry. Walkers start to approach... I have to get up. I have to at least try to escape.
There are walkers everywhere.. and one walker knocks me over. I try to push it away; but then suddenly, it is decapitated by with a machete. Someone else fires a crossbow at the other walkers...
Stranger: I'm out! Grab her, let's go!
To be continued !
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Self-Rec Whenever
Thank you to @maesterchill for the tag! See her wonderful self-recs here
Recommend us 3 of YOUR fics: 1 that is “most popular” and 2 that are “hidden gems.” Then tag some folks.
Most Popular: The Love You Find (13.6k, E)
This is the most popular by both hits and kudos. This was my Drizzlefest fic, and will always hold a special place in my heart as my first anon fest, first completed multi-chapter, first fic over 10K, AND first smut! The premise is that Harry and Draco have been Auror partners for the past ten years, and Draco suddenly announces he's taking a year off to travel. Meanwhile Harry gets himself seriously injured and is dragged along on Draco's Australian roadtrip. Cue much pining, thirsting after Beach Draco, Australian scenery and fluff (and smut).
Excerpt:
“If you’re trying to get rid of me, I’m afraid you’re out of luck,” Draco teased, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “I am quite determined to stay until you have recovered enough to come with me.”
“Come with you?” Harry spluttered, completely caught off guard.
“Of course,” Draco replied. “I apparently can’t leave you unsupervised, and the Healers want you to take at least six months off work to recuperate. So, you’re coming with me.”
“Draco, I—” Harry stumbled over his words, unable to believe that Draco was serious. “I can’t just impose on you like that. You’re meant to be exploring, discovering yourself. I’ll hold you back.”
“Harry.” Draco fixed him with a stern glare. “You cannot heal properly in this miserable London smog. Plus, you are just as due a holiday as I am. You’re coming with me, even if I have to tie you up and drag you along.”
Harry deliberately did not let his brain follow that train of thought.
“Fine. But don’t complain when you don’t like it!”
(Gah, it's so hard to pick hidden gems!)
Hidden Gem 1: Til The End of The Night (684, T)
I wrote this for the song "Holding Out For A Hero" and it was my first foray into anything that wasn't just pure fluff. It's entirely Harry-centric, but while writing it I pictured Draco being the one to come and "save" Harry, who is suffering from anxiety and PTSD two years post war. At this point I had never written drarry before! I do have the very beginnings of a multi-chap "sequel" to this fic, maybe it will get done some day!
Excerpt:
Hero.
It was such a strange word, Harry thought as he placed a tea bag into his mug. That’s all the public wanted to call him these days, Hero. Either that or Saviour. He wasn’t sure which was worse.
Perhaps, he mused as he poured the boiling water into his mug, tremors causing the water to splash across the benchtop, the worst part wasn’t the words themselves, but the fact that the public was truly convinced of what they saw. All they could see was their Hero, their Saviour. The Boy Who Lived, who defeated the Dark Lord.
Hidden Gem 2: Like This, My Beloved (996, T)
I wrote this for the wonderful @gallifrey1sburning for wheel of drarry, and it's just 1k of 1st person Harry POV fluff. It follows their relationship post war, and it's basically just Harry being obsessed with his man.
Excerpt:
I didn’t think I would see you again, after the war. Well, to be more accurate, I didn’t think I would ever interact with you after the war. Our world is too small for us to never cross paths again, but I pictured cold nods at Ministry galas or pretending to not see each other when lining up for the floo after a long day at work.
What I didn’t picture was you walking into the room that first day of Auror training, your face still pale from two months in Azkaban. I didn’t picture the quiet, “it’s ok, I can convert the old janitors closet to a bunk. I know no one wants me.”
I think I already knew, in that moment. I just didn’t know it yet.
What I did know, though, was that there was no way in Hell that you would be sleeping in a cupboard. Fucking Smith offered to move you in — nothing had felt so satisfying as feeling his nose break under my fist.
No-pressure tagging @phoebe-delia, @thebooktopus, @geesenoises, @saintgarbanzo, @academicdisasterfic, @rockingrobin69 and anyone else who wants to!
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Lyrics through the decade 9/11
I've decided to collect all the songs I've made through the last decade and share my favourite snippets with you guys. The pictures for the backgrounds will (as much as possible) be pictures I've taken the same year as the lyrics were written. The full lyrics may or may not be made official someday.
Part 9; 2021
Now we've arrived at what I can call the personal era which started with me coming out to myself as nonbinary within the first three months of the year. After that a lot of the songs I started to make became a therapeutic tool getting to reflect over my thoughts and feelings about different topics.
More info under the line
Stay creative, my fellow foxes 🦊💚
Song 1 (pic1); Marco
This is not as much a song as it is 2-3 pages of me in lyrical form thinking through my newly out feelings as a nonbinary person. The 'song' is named after my middlename that on this time I believed would be my new name. Also, to fit with the very personal meaning of this song this is indeed a picture of me having gender euphoria looking in the mirror (although 9 months after the song was written)
Featured lyric:
Starring at the mirror softly repeating the name.
Trying to repeat the rush of joy hearing it for the first time.
Song2 (pic2); Aromantica
A song where I tried to reflect over my feelings as being an aromantic person since I also around this time has been coming to terms with being aro more and more (although I had come out to myself as aro one or two years prior).
Featured lyric:
((Extendend)) I held you and I kissed you
Because I thought that was what I had to.
And it’s funny how pathetic I was playing the part.
I’m not lovedrunk, I’m sober.
I realise that, now it’s over.
This is not who I am.
Song3 (pic 3+4); Altid Nat
This song is the exception to the rule I guess since it is less about my own personal identity explorations but again it is still about me and my feelings getting to be close to people with the loser covid-19 restrictions. You can hear the song here btw.
Featured lyric:
Original (pic3); Jordens trolde, de danser foxtrot over Danmarks bøgetage
((Extended)) så er det nu, vi sprinder guld af alt det som der kan ske i drømmeland.
For det er altid nat et sted på verdensplan.
Translated to English (pic4):
the trolls of the earth dance foxtrot in Denmark's treetops.
((Extended)) It is now we weave gold of all
that can happen in dreamland
cause it's always night somewhere in the world.
Song4 (pic5+6); Forstadsfabeldyr
This is an interesting one since I had less than a week to write and produce it on summer camp where I wasn't out yet so I wanted to make it somewhat mystical about what in the world I was referring to (thereby not outing myself before time) but also I really felt like getting out my hurt feelings about becoming the represent queer whenever people learned about my identity. (hint the swearing is back)
Featured lyric:
Original (pic6); Verden er så satans monokrom
for alle farverne er vasket ud med hvidt.
Translated to English (pic5); The world is fucking monochrome.
All the colours has been washed out.
Song5 (pic6+7); Glas v.2
Quite an interesting one that shows how my way of making songs has shifted since I originally made myself the challenge to make a song inspired by a poem on a playing card about rocks wanting to be glass and then the first version was meant to be about eating disorders (not told from my own pov) but that didn't connect with me so instead I told about nonbinary gender dysphoria (that is way more my own pov and so a therapeutic song instead)
Featured lyric:
Original (pic7): Når svaret for dem er hverken "han" eller "hende"
kommer de nemt til kort.
De ville så gerne kunne passe ind,
men kabalen går ikke op.
Translated to English (pic8): When their answer is not "he" or "she",
they'll easily come up short.
they'd love to fit in, but
the patience doesn't come up.
#lyrics#english song#danish song#2021#aromantica#marco#altid nat#forstadsfabeldyr#glas#mosraev#mosræv#yes but humans here are me at the time#(most pictures I have from this point onward are selfies which is not always convenient :'D)
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Hospital updates.
Food is pretty good, for hospital food. But it's still hospital food so it sucks
Starting lithium tonight, let's see if it helps
I'm so fucking bored in here
Have received a single room. Door is currently locked on the outside. Am planning to keep it shut whenever I'm in here until they unlock it for me properly
I have to ask for my CPAP every night and every night someone is like "oh I need to call respiratory and have them send someone up to set it up for you" and every night I am like "no you don't" and we go back and forth on this before they finally give me my damn machine. Very annoying
Am writing a 5+1 Leon Kennedy/Reader fic to keep myself entertained. I never wrote x reader before I got into Resident Evil but it lets me write these very self-indulgent stories that are essentially OC ships and still get readership which is nice. I'm writing it longhand in my journal, may type it up at some point
This unit has computers and TVs which I've never had in a psych ward before
Unfortunately the furniture is all wildly uncomfortable
At least I get my phone for part of the day
My dad is coming up to see me which is nice so he'll be here on Thursday and stay til Monday
There are several seriously Christian little old ladies on the unit and they keep telling me Jesus loves me which I'm trying to take in the spirit it was intended
I have multiple queer doctors on my Official Care Team™ which I'm pretty sure is bc they clocked me as gay lol
I miss my cat and my computer but I don't want to go home.
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🏢I Wanna, I Wanna Stay ‘Til The End, Chapter 1 - But In The Morning, It Might Just Change
Pairing: Rain/Kuai Liang
Length: 5483 Words
Rating: Explicit 🔞
Warnings: Neighbours AU, Modern AU, Friends With Benefits, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Medical Procedures, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Past Cheating, Cockblocking, Eventual Smut, Is it slowburn if the sex is fast but the emotions are slow?, Minor Tanleena, Anxiety, NGL like 70% of this fic is me cockblocking Rain lol
I Wanna, I Wanna Stay ‘Til The End Masterlist
Notes: Once upon a time, Summer had a rarepair that made no sense to anyone but them and they went “fuck it” and decided to make it everyone else’s problem. Again, I wrote this back in like December as some weird self indulgence, because I literally kept daydreaming about it so started writing stuff down. I actually have chapter 2 mostly written out too but that’s gonna wait to be finished until after October so lmao. Fic will mostly be kinda light hearted, but both Rain and Kuai have pretty rough pasts and while I do not intend to explicitly write that past, they will think and talk about them eventually. I will put warnings in the chapter notes if any of those darker subjects do come up :) (Why Do I always go with modern au’s for my rarepairs, wtf is that all about?) Fic title is from “Heavenly” by Pale Waves and chapter 1’s title is from “Television Romance” by Pale Waves, because once again, I am clearly going through something here lol.
There’s some very vague hints towards past domestic abuse in this chapter, as well as a direct reference to past infidelity.
Rain finished pouring his coffee, turning around to survey his new surroundings.
It wasn't the biggest apartment in the world, and it definitely wasn't the best looking, given the majority of his furniture was brought last minute from a thrift store. But it was all his. He had worked his ass off, saved up his money for the deposit, made sure he's be able to pay the rent and bills every month. He hadn't needed a penny from his father, unlike his brothers. He had done this on his own.
He was so proud of himself, even if no one else was.
If only mom could see me.
He shook his head. He hadn't even known his mother, she'd died when he was an infant. Yet he often wondered what his life would have been like had she lived. If he's not been forced to live with his dismissive father, Rain a symbol of his infidelity that needed to be swept under the rug.
He shook his head. That didn't matter any more. What mattered was the future and how now he's made such progress he wasn't going to let anything stop him.
First however, he needed to finish his coffee and then get to work. All of this wouldn't pay for itself after all.
He drank it as quickly as he could, did a quick double check to make sure he'd got everything and he hadn't accidentally left anything on. Satisfied he grabbed his keys and headed to the door. He locked up and went down the corridor. As he got to the stairwell, he headed to the elevator.
There was another man standing outside waiting for it to come, though even as Rain approached he didn't acknowledge him. As Rain stood next to him, he couldn't help but take a curious peak at him. He was asian, looked a little older than him but shorter by quite a few inches, short black hair, blue eyes and a trim beard. He had a large and striking scar on the one side of his face. He was wearing a blue jacket with a fluffy white fur trim.
The more he stared, the more he felt something stirring in him. This man was undeniably gorgeous and the more Rain observed him, the more details jumped out to him. Rain sure wouldn't mind having a man like that on his arm.
The man's eyes flicked over to him, and he looked quite startled. Rain couldn't blame him, he had been staring rather intently.
"Ah, good morning," he awkwardly greeted, hoping it would stem some of the creepiness.
"Good morning," the man returned, smiling and nodding his head slightly.
"So... Do you live here?" Rain realised how absolutely weird he was coming across. He wasn't normally this awkward when it came to people he found attractive, why was this man so different?
"Um. Yes?" The man said wearily, raising an eyebrow. Rain grimaced realising once again that could be quite an ominous seeming question. "Do you?"
"Yeah, I uh, just moved in over the weekend," Rain informed him, hoping maybe that would stem any potentially menacing vibes and make it seem more like he was anxious about meeting his new neighbours.
The man seemed to relax at this a bit, as he asked "ah, number 33?"
"That's right." Rain scratched the back of his head. "Guess you noticed the movers."
"I did." The man looked over his shoulder towards the corridor. "I'm in 34, so it was hard to not notice."
"34? So, you live in the apartment opposite then?" He asked, trying to not feel as giddy about a hot guy living across the way from him as he did. The man nodded. "I'm Ranjit, but everyone calls me Rain."
"Kuai Liang," was the reply he got, followed by him reaching his hand out. Rain took it and shook without question.
Seconds later, the elevator rang out and the doors opened. Rain gestured for Kuai to go first, seeing as he'd been waiting longer. He got an appreciative smile. Rain couldn't help but look down slightly as he followed behind. Kuai's trousers were fairly tight, and along with the rest of him, he had a really quite nice ass too. He made sure not to look too long however, nothing like introducing yourself to your neighbour and then completely alienating him by acting like a horny teenager.
Kuai clicked the button for the 1st floor, standing back as the door closed behind them. Rain got this far he might as well continue with the small talk.
"So, how long have you lived here?" Rain asked, leaning against the wall.
"About 3 years," Kuai stated, fiddling with the zipper of his jacket. "It's a nice enough place, no one really causes any problems."
"Good to know." It was a relief. Before this he'd lived with his friends, Mileena and Tanya, for years and to say they had troublesome neighbours was an understatement. "Do you live with anyone?" Rain couldn't see a ring on Kuai's fingers but that didn't mean he didn't have someone.
"No, no it's just me," he confirmed, shyly pushing a strand of hair behind his ear. "What about you?"
"Just me as well," Rain said with a grin. "First time living without room mates."
"That's nice," Kuai said softly but genuinely. "It's strange to get used to, but it's nice to just have your own space, y'know?" He stopped fiddling and just stared down for a minute. "A bit lonely, sometimes, but..."
Kuai never finished his sentenced, just stared down with a frown on his face. There was something odd about that, but Rain had a feeling whatever was causing such a wistful look was off limits, at least for now.
"Well, at least I have a nice neighbour to keep me company," he tried instead, trying not to laugh at the way Kuai's head snapped up.
He stammered slightly, a light blush coming over his cheeks. He finally settled on a small smile that somehow managed to make him look even shyer, and a whisper of "I guess you do, yes."
The elevator doors slid open, and Rain yet again let Kuai go first, trying to not let his eyes linger on that perfect ass too long. As they reached the front door, Kuai pushed it open, this time letting Rain go first.
"Well," Kuai sighed as he stepped out himself, letting the door lock behind him. "I'm off that way." Kuai pointed in the opposite direction from where Rain was going to have to go for work.
"Ah, well, this is where I'll have to leave you for now then," Rain tried to not sound too disappointed. "Hopefully I'll catch you later."
"Hopefully," Kuai agreed, "until then."
Both men turned away and went their separate ways. Rain couldn't help glancing over his shoulder, taking one last look at Kuai's ass as he walked away.
I have got to fuck him.
He sighed, looking straight and continuing his walk to work. If there was any time he wanted his life to devolve into a romantic comedy, it was right now.
"So, is everything to your liking?"
Kuai no longer had his coat on and could no longer play with the zipper, instead playing with the hem of his t-shirt instead. His eyes were fixed on Hanzo across the table as he read through Kuai's latest article.
He had no idea why this still made him nervous. He'd been doing this for years, he'd known Hanzo for years, both socially and professionally. The man had very rarely requested changes.
So why were his hands shaking so much?
"This all looks good, like always," Hanzo replied with a smile. "I'm sure my editors will do some nitpicking like always but there are no major re-writes needed." He put the papers down. "I'll have Ayame send the rest of your paycheck." Hanzo reached for his phone to call her.
Kuai let himself breathe again. Freelance magazine articles weren't really his main income, but the extra money between novels certainly didn't hurt. He didn't even really need to keep working or writing, he could probably live off the money he got from royalties, but he liked keeping himself busy.
"So, how are things?" Hanzo's voice cut through his thoughts and made him jump slightly. The other mans brow saw drawn together. "We didn't really get to talk last time you were here."
"Fine," Kuai tried, desperately trying to maintain eye contact so Hanzo might think he was telling the truth. Still the intensity with which Hanzo stared at him was a little too much. Hanzo was an intense person in general, and sometimes talking to him felt like being in a burning room, inhaling smoke and ash.
"Kuai Liang," Hanzo said quietly, his features softening but that fire was still burning away in his eyes. "I know you don't like to talk about these things, but if you're struggling-"
"It's not- I'm not struggling, not really." Kuai bit his lip, hard enough that he could feel it ache. "Things have been actually kind of okay lately. Anxiety aside." He bunched up the hem of his shirt, trying to find anything to keep himself distracted while he had this conversation. "I'm almost finished the first draft of my next book. Johnny is looking to turn another of my books into a film. I have this. Things are... things are good."
"You know your work isn't what I'm talking about." Kuai winced because yes, he did know that.
"I know," he said lowly, rubbing the back of his head slightly. "I really am okay though. Doctor says I may need another surgery but he's happy with how I've healed from the last one. I'm leaving the house more, I don't feel as trapped..." He paused desperately trying to think of something else that might provide evidence things were improving. His mind went back to that morning in the elevator and the man who seemed extremely eager to talk to him. "Oh! I have a new neighbour and I actually talked to him this morning!"
Hanzo blinked a few times, "you begun a conversation with a stranger?"
"I- Well," Kuai stuttered, before giving Hanzo a sheepish grin. "Technically he started the conversation." It was a start though, at least in Kuai's mind. There was a time where he'd have just completely ignored the conversation. Granted it would have been more out of fear for the consequences should a certain someone catch him, but that was a whole other barrel of issues. "He was a bit... awkward."
"No offence Kuai, but that's a bit rich coming from you," Hanzo teased, thankfully all that intense worry disappearing. It seemed Kuai had said enough to convince Hanzo he was okay.
"I'm not awkward, I'm anxious, it's two completely different issues," Kuai dismissed with a wave of his hand. "He seems nice though, so hopefully he won't be a problem neighbour."
"Well, if he ever does become a problem, I'll sort him out." The declaration wasn't an unusual one, but still caught Kuai off guard slightly.
"You sound like you're intending to beat the shit out of him," Kuai exclaimed with a snort.
"No," Hanzo said in a tone that indicated that's exactly what he was intending. "Well, only if I have to."
"You know when Bi-Han asked you to look after me, I'm pretty sure beating the shit out of people who upset me wasn't what he had in mind." It was strange, how seriously Hanzo took a promise from so many years ago. But Hanzo and Bi-Han had been best friends, and maybe after Bi-Han's death, this was the one thing he felt he could do for his late friend.
"Really? The amount of people he beat up for you?"
Kuai paused at that, before grimacing "yeah in retrospect that's probably exactly what he meant."
Maybe it was better that Bi-Han wasn't around for Kuai's divorce and the subsequent criminal trial. Kuai's ex would have been dead the second the details of their relationship entered his ears. But then, maybe if his brother had been there, things would have never gotten to the point they had.
Kuai didn't really want to think about that right now though.
"Anyway, I'm sure you have work to do, and I have a few things I need to do while I'm out," Kuai announced, thankful that Hanzo didn't seem offended by the fact he was standing up and putting his coat on. "We should probably meet outside of a work environment at some time, right?"
"There's that film wrap-up party Johnny's throwing at the end of the month," Hanzo mentioned, "but I would like to see you before then." He paused and walked around the desk, placing a hand on Kuai's bicep. "I do worry about you, you know."
"I know." The only reason Kuai didn't try to fight that fact was that everyone who knew him had expressed worry for him. And in their defence it wasn't completely unfounded, given everything that had happened to him over his 40 years of life. "There's that new coffee shop opened up in town, if that interests you?"
"Sounds good to me." Hanzo lent in to give Kuai a hug, he returned it, maybe clinging a little too tightly. "I'll let you know when I'm free." They separated, and Hanzo added, "take care of yourself."
"You too," Kuai said. Hanzo may worry about him, but that gave Kuai free pass to worry for Hanzo too. "Say hi to Kenshi and Takeda for me!"
"Will do."
And with that Kuai grabbed his bag, and with a short wave turned to leave the office. He held his breath, right up until he left the building. Once out in the fresh air he let it out, breathing deeply.
Okay, okay, task one done. Task two, check in with my agent and make sure there's no deadlines I'm at risk of missing.
He nodded to himself, and set out in the direction he needed to go in.
Rain grunted as he jiggled the key in the lock. No matter what he did, the door just wouldn't open. He begun swearing under his breath, as he tried to get the damned thing to unlock.
"So as fun as it is to watch you struggle, are we gonna get to see your apartment any time soon?" Mileena asked, leaning against the wall as she watched him. Tanya snickered at her girlfriends comment. He wanted to show them his new space, but that was hard unless he could get inside the building.
"I'm trying, there must be a trick to this door that I don't know about." He furiously twisted but stopped for fear the key would break in the lock. He slammed his palm against the door, "god fucking dammit."
"Uh, there is a trick to the door, actually," another voice interrupted from the other side of him. Standing next to him was Kuai Liang, looking at him with a somewhat amused smile on his face.
Rain moved aside slightly, ignoring the strange looks Mileena and Tanya were giving. Kuai took the key in one hand and the other under the handle. He lifted the handle up slightly, while twisting the key. The lock clicked and the door swung open.
"It takes some getting used to," Kuai explained, removing the key from the lock and handing it to Rain. "After a while it just sort of becomes second nature."
"I see. Well thank you," Rain said, watching as Kuai held the door open for him and his friends. As they entered, Mileena gave Rain a rather expectant look and Rain knew what she wanted. "Oh, yeah, uh, this is my neighbour, Kuai Liang, and these are my friends, Mileena and Tanya."
"It's nice to meet you," Kuai softly greeted, closing the door behind him and bowing his head slightly.
"Ah, you too," Mileena said with a wave of her hand. As Rain went to hit the button for the elevator, she added "we promise we're just here to be quietly nosey around Rain's apartment, we're not gonna have a crazy party or anything."
"You realise saying that makes it sound like we're totally about to have a crazy party, right?" Tanya stated. Rain hissed but looking at Kuai he seemed to realise they were joking.
"Sooo, did you have a good day?" Rain tried to move away from whatever his friend's were talking about. Kuai's head snapped to him, as did Mileena and Tanya's.
"It was good, thank you for asking," he replied. Rain ignored the knowing look paired with a dark smirk that Tanya was now giving him. "How was yours?"
"Good. I mean I was at work so it was boring, but other than that good."
The elevator doors opened, and Rain made his way in, the others piling in behind him. Kuai hit the button for their floor before standing against the wall.
Tanya cleared her throat slightly, "so, Kuai Liang?" Kuai looked to her and Rain was suddenly dreading what she was about to say. "Sorry if this is rude to ask, but, how old are you?"
How Rain managed to stop himself from making a strangled sound, he wasn't sure. Earlier in the day he's decided Kuai was older than him, but he wouldn't dare just ask him like that.
Kuai for his part, chuckled nervously and said "I'm 40, why do you ask?"
That surprised him. Rain was 34, and he thought Kuai would be 36 at most. He had a very young face, he’d clearly aged extremely well. Yet somehow knowing he was older than he looked somehow made Kuai more attractive to him.
"Just curious," Tanya spoke innocently, a small smile. Rain knew what she was doing, fishing for info for him. Dammit. "Is there a Mrs. Kuai Liang then?"
Kuai blinked a few times, face going rather red and making the most nervous sound Rain had ever heard a human being make.
"No. I don't have a partner." And that reply gave Rain two points of interest. One was he was single, thus it was totally fair game for Rain to pursue him. The second was the use of the term partner. Granted it wasn't a confirmation he was gay, but it was ambiguous enough compared to Tanya's use of "Mrs" that it gave Rain a spark of hope.
The elevator opened and Kuai looked like he was trying so hard to not just run out the doors and down the corridor to his room. Rain made note to apologise to him later. When they reached their respective doors, Kuai turned slightly, keeping his head low so to not make eye contact. Yeah, I definitely gotta make it up to him.
"I hope you all have a nice evening," Kuai said despite his clear embarrassment.
"You too," Rain called out just before Kuai managed to open his door and slip through and out of sight.
He sighed, opening his own door and holding it open for his friends. After he walked in, and he closed the door and lent against it. He stared at Mileena and Tanya, both looking at him with tilted heads.
"I am going to fuck that man so hard," he announced. A little crude, sure, but it was how he felt.
"If Tanya hasn't completely frightened him off, you mean," Mileena said with a roll of her eyes. "Babe, I love you, but the poor guy looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole!"
"I'll find a way to make it up to him later," Rain stated, pushing himself away from the door. "Anyway, shall we start the tour of Château Rain?"
The two girls looked at each other, before shrugging and letting Rain guide them around the apartment.
It had been a couple of hours. Kuai had no idea why he still felt so mortified.
He poured the cake batter into the cupcake tins he had prepared. He felt like he wanted to just curl up in a dark corner and cry. It had become somewhat of a ritual for him to bake when he felt like that, an idea brought forth by his therapist. It helped, having something to do with his hands often let him think about whatever had upset him more rationally.
Except there wasn't any real rational reason for why he felt like this.
It was just two questions. Two very simple questions, that in the grand scheme of things, were completely innocent.
He wasn't embarrassed by how old he was, that was just the nature of time after all and completely out of his control, so why worry about it? As for his relationship status? He wasn't particularly bothered about being single. After his experience being married, he didn't really want anything serious, and being able to focus on himself for what felt like the first time in his life was so freeing.
So why did those two questions asked together fill him with such a strange sense of despair?
He finished up putting the batter into the cupcake tins, walking it to the oven and slipping it on the middle shelf. He sighed leaning back against the counter, and staring up at the ceiling.
The only part of the questions that he could say might have upset him was the used of "Mrs" and the assumption on his sexuality. Even then it was very much a minor thing, and not something to be this troubled over.
He was about to make himself a cup of tea when there was a knock on his door. He frowned. Given he hadn't buzzed anyone up, that meant it had to be someone already in the building. It wasn't unusual for his neighbours to knock and check on him. He slowly walked away from his kitchen and towards the door.
He swung it open to find Rain stood on the other side.
He felt all that horror come back to him, even as he gave a weak "hello."
"Hi, sorry, I just wanted to apologise for Tanya," Rain went straight to it, leaning against the doorframe. "I really hope she didn't upset you with her questions, I think she was just being nosy."
It had upset him, but he didn't have the words for it, especially with someone he didn't really know. So instead he just gave an uneasy smile and said "it's okay, I know she didn't mean anything by it."
What was social protocol in this situation? Should he invite Rain in for a cup of tea? He supposed it wouldn't hurt, would it?
"I was about to make a cup of tea," Kuai blurted out, quite surprised with himself if he was honest. "If you like, you could join me?"
"If I'm not interrupting or anything," Rain said with a non-committal shrug, and Kuai's mind was screaming.
"No, not at all," Kuai said, breathing deep and trying to keep calm as he moved aside for Rain to come in.
Rain looked around the open plan room, laughing slightly "your furnitures nice, at least it all matches."
"Admittedly I like things to be coordinated." Kuai walked back to his kitchen, flicking the switch on his kettle and reaching into the cupboard to get an extra cup. "I'm one of those people who get's really annoyed when a pattern is slightly off, you know?"
Kuai looked over his shoulder, expecting to see Rain still inspecting his apartment. Instead the other man was standing off behind him, looking him up and down. He didn't seem to realise Kuai was observing him. It was strange, Kuai couldn’t understand why he would be, there had some be something next to him that Rain was looking at.
Then, a light clicked on in his head. Rain was looking at him, it was a gaze Kuai was mostly oblivious to when it came to himself, but he’d seen it when people had crushes on his friends.
He’s checking me out.
No. There was no way. He was looking at something else and Kuai was misinterpreting his actions. That had to be it.
But… What else could he be looking at?
Was this why his friend was asking if Kuai had a partner? Was Rain attracted to him? If he was... Why? Kuai was nothing special in terms of looks.
He jumped when he heard his phone go across the counter.
As he turned around, Rain was looking straight, staring at the phone with a frown on his face.
"Uh, caller ID says it's someone called Sareena," Rain informed him, and Kuai felt a little uncomfortable that he was looking at his phone.
"Ah, I'm sorry, I'd better get it," Kuai excused reaching for the phone. He ignored Rain's double take, likely over how red Kuai's face was. He hit answer. "Hello?"
"Hey Kuai, hope I'm not interrupting anything?" Sareena sounded quite chipper this evening, that was good. It probably meant she wasn't ringing about anything too serious.
"Ah, I have a new neighbour over." He glanced at Rain, who seemed to be watching with intent. "Is something up?"
"Sorry I won't keep you long, promise," Sareena's voice was apologetic, "can I have your chocolate cake recipe? Pretty please? I've tried ones I've found on the internet but it doesn't taste the same as yours."
"Hmm, I suppose I can divulge my secret's to you," he teased, remembering his own cakes in the oven. He took a quick glance, they had risen but weren't brown yet. He reached for the cook book on the counter, "I'll take a picture of it and send it over."
"Thank you so much, you are an absolute darling," Sareena squealed.
"No problem." They both hung up, Kuai flipping to the recipe in question. "Sorry about that, my sister-in-law. Sometimes she rings me about work stuff, but this time it was just a cake recipe she was after."
"I see," Rain said with a hum. "So, you have a brother then?"
Kuai flinched slightly. It was reasonable conclusion for him to come to, but it was far too early in knowing him for Kuai to go into detail about all that. His brother’s death still hurt him, even so many years later. It was so hard to talk about him.
"Had," Kuai corrected, choosing to concentrate on taking the photograph of the recipe.
"Oh. Shit. I'm sorry."
"You weren't to know," Kuai sighed, finally sending the photo to Sareena. He finally turned to Rain who was looking rather unsure what to do with himself. "Ah, I should finish that tea shouldn't I?"
Rain silently nodded, watching as Kuai put his phone back on the counter.
"I- uh. I have two brother's myself," Rain spoke up, clearly not entirely sure where to go with the conversation. "Well. Half-Brothers. Twins." Kuai was turned his back to Rain, focusing on the kettle and the tea, but he could hear Rain tapping his foot. "I don't really get along with them. One's a self righteous prick and the other is currently in prison."
Kuai finished the tea and turned to Rain with a puzzled expression. "I- that's... quite a family you have then."
"Trust me, you have no idea," Rain muttered somewhat bitterly, but accepted the tea regardless. "Thank you." He took a sip, leaning back against the counter. "So, um, can I ask you something?"
"Okay." He felt a little unsure, given that Rain had already been asking him questions, so why did he feel the need to request permission now?
"Earlier when Tanya was asked if you were in a relationship you said you didn't have a partner," he began and Kuai was already feeling a little regretful for agreeing to the question. "Was the use of the word partner for any reason?"
Kuai opened his mouth and closed it, before taking a sip of his tea. It wasn't the question he expected, but paired with Rain staring at him so intently only minutes ago, it was clear where this was going.
"I'm gay." Well he hadn't intended to put it quite so bluntly, but it was out there now. "I said partner because I'm gay."
Rain smiled at this news. A sultry smile, as he licked his lips. Kuai felt his entire face go hot. It felt like he was on fire. Was the room always this hot? Did... Did Rain always look that attractive? The other man lessened the gap between them. Kuai stopped breathing.
"I was hoping that was the answer," Rain purred leaning closer. Kuai felt a hand lace his side, and he gasped. "You're a very attractive man, Kuai Liang."
"Thank you?" Kuai squeaked out. Rain's hand was firmly on his hip. They were so close Kuai could see nothing but Rain's eyes. Oh shit, he has really fucking nice eyes. Rain's lips brushed his and Kuai shuddered. He wanted to kiss him, to see just how far Rain was willing to push this. Was he really this desperately lonely? He didn't even know Rain.
The smell of cinnamon overwhelmed him.
Cinnamon?
"Oh fuck! My cakes!" Without thinking he pulled away and rushed over to the oven and threw on an oven mitt. He pulled the cakes out and put them in top of the stove, turning the oven off as he did.
The good news was his cakes weren't burnt. The bad news was they were still looking overdone.
"Are they okay?" Rain asked, standing next to Kuai.
"They'll probably be dry, but still edible," Kuai explained with a sigh. He hadn't messed up his baking in a long time. He stared at them like maybe that would help them suddenly not be overcooked. When he finally decided that wasn't going to help, he turned to Rain and matter of factly stated "you owe me."
Rain blinked and shook is head, eyes wide. "Huh?"
"You owe me. You distracted me, thus, you owe me for these cakes." Kuai placed a hand on his hip and lent against the counter. He wasn't entirely sure what he was trying here. He believed he was attempting to flirt.
If it was what he was trying, to his surprise it actually seemed to work, as Rain had that smile on his face again. "Ah, I see." He closed the gap again, arm looping around Kuai's waist. "What can I do to make it up to you?"
Before Kuai could reply, a phone went off. Not Kuai's this time. It wasn't his ring tone. Rain backed away and pulled out a phone from his pocket. He looked frustrated and glanced up to Kuai.
"Sorry I really have to take this," he said, not sounding happy about that fact at all. Kuai just nodded as Rain turned away and answered the phone. "Hello? What do you need?" There was a pause. "Alright, I can-" He shook his head. "By tomorrow? That's a bit short notice isn't it?" He started pulling on his hair. "Yes, yes. Alright okay, I'll see what I can do. Alright, see you tomorrow. Bye."
If it wasn't a mobile phone, Kuai swore it would have been slammed down. He gulped slightly.
"Everything okay?" He chanced, feeling a little better when Rain's face softened at the sight of him.
"Yeah, it was just my boss. He's sprung a last minute report on me that has to be done by tomorrow." Kuai hoped his disappointment didn't show on his face too much. "I'm sorry, I really need to do this."
"No, it's... I understand, you need to do it," he agreed, biting his lip as it threatened to tremble.
He led Rain back to his door, sliding it open and letting the other man out into the corridor.
"Don't forget you owe me!" He called out. Rain turned to him with a sly smile, winked at him, and then like that was gone.
Kuai closed the door, resting his forehead against it after. He sighed, pushing himself away and slowly making his way to the kitchen. He stood in silence, staring at his almost ruined cakes and then the two half drunk cups of tea.
"I just flirted with him." The realisation smacked him in the face so hard he almost got whiplash. "Oh. Fuck, I just flirted with him."
He wasn't sure why, but he slowly dropped to his knees and curled up into himself. His fingers tangled in his hair as he tugged on it. He wasn't sure where his boldness had come from at all. And now it was over? He felt completely stupid. Granted, Rain clearly enjoyed it, and for whatever reason, really seemed to want to do him. But he still felt foolish.
He flopped over onto his side, laying on the floor, questioning his life choices for the evening.
≛❀≛ Next Chapter ⋟
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icestorm
[Verse 1]
You asked me why I love you and I said "I don't know"
And I could tell that you were disappointed with that answer
So I carried on, said
"I mean, I've loved a lot of people in my life—or I thought I have
I guess I've written them all off when they leave
Or I leave them, you know because that means—doesn't it?
That means that it couldn't have been love to begin with
So why not just write it off?
Sorry that's not really answering your question
I mean I guess... I thought I was so fucking smart when you met me
When I was 23, I'd finally started to feel like a real person, you know?
A human being
Kept the kind of secrets real people keep
Told the kind of lies real people tell
And most exciting of all
I loved like I thought real people loved
Never really staying anywhere
Perpetually in the process of going somewhere
I thought I was dark and mysterious and fucking irresistible
Now I look back on 23-year-old me, I think
'Jesus Christ man, what a dick, what a leech treating relationships like an ice-cream factory, eating all I can handle and then throwing it all up and running away'
And, yeah, I'm not 23 anymore but I'm still me and what's more
I still wanna run away sometimes, a lot of times actually
In that stupid little way I do where I lock myself in my room
And I watch strangers play video games
'til my brain starts to leak all over the sofa
And I get high and I write and I sing and I hope it still sounds good when I'm sober—
Fuck sorry, you asked me a direct question"
[Verse 2]
"I guess I'm scared that I'm imaginary
That I invent myself every day so other people don't have to
That who I really am is secondary to what I want everyone else to see and I'm scared that I'm crazy
But God help me, I'm twice as scared I'm sane
'Cause then what excuse do I have for treating people like problems that need to be solved or explained?
And that's where you come in
You came along, you taught me that people cannot be explained
That we are all ghost stories at the end of the day
And maybe we should just aim to stay that way
Maybe there's a reason why we do the wonderful-horrible things we do to each other, but the reasons are too simple to be satisfying
And then we're left forgetting and re-mystifying each other
'Cause we don't really wanna understand what makes us hurt each other
No we don't really wanna understand what makes us hurt each other
No we don't really wanna understand what makes us—
Fuck sorry
I mean, I've been having a lot of trouble focusing recently
Too much aspartame in the diet, I think"
[Verse 3]
"To answer your question
I love you because I have to
There is no 'why' about it
Any more than there's a reason why water vapor gathers in the sky
Or why the nettles in the garden don't go away no matter how much the guy downstairs tries to keep them at bay
There is no 'why' about it
There is a 'how' I suppose, don't really understand it though
Maybe if I dug around a bit in the soil
I'd find out where all this love comes from and what it's for
But then the question would be answered
The ghost story would be over
There'd be very little point in telling it anymore
Right now I'm happy just to let it be
Let you be you, and me be me
Sleep 'til noon and watch TV
Make schemes together
Try not to keep secrets from each other
And just hope to God that we are right when we say
'I love you'
'I love you'
I just enjoy being around you
I don't think I'm going anywhere"
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freezer working for mouth-running-ass shit-starting motherfucker 🤐 who is also a mentally ill tpoc so you don't wanna like KO their ass, you just want them to calm tf down and shush
(this is conjure, aka hoodoo aka rootwork, aka not for nonblack folks. I am sharing my documentation, which is not an invitation to take from a practice that isn't yours. please respect.) ✌🏽
1. start with a square of brown paper, like from a grocery bag. in this case, we had a little scrap of butcher paper they doodled on, which is even better despite not being square - personal handwriting or other personal affects make everything work better
2. write out their full name and date of birth - I was taught to do this nine times
3. rotate the paper 90° and cross their name with a very precisely worded command, ideally phrased in the present tense (as a thing that IS, not a thing that you want). failing that, cross it with your own name. I was taught to do this nine times as well. clockwise vs counterclockwise paper rotation varies depending on your teacher/source. photo obscured so you can hopefully see how it works but not read the actual text
4. optional - work a candle on this petition. fold the paper at least twice, away from you. I anointed this with some "white light" condition oil. I also anointed the candle. you can use a 7-day if you want but I just used a 4-hour shabbat candle. I didn't inscribe the candle but you can. I set the candle in a holder on top of the folded petition and let it burn all the way down. (started it late, so I put the whole thing inside our fireplace to safely burn out after I went to bed.)
5. make your... broth i guess, lol. I dissolved a spoonful of honey in some hot water and added lavender buds, to try and calm this person down and sweeten any discontent between us. this brings a honey jar element into an otherwise pretty basic freezer working. if the person is a malicious mf, you can use vinegar. don't use booze or oil, they don't freeze and won't fucking work.
6. bag it up. I used a "snack sized" zip baggie and inserted the folded and anointed petition with the candle stub, then poured in the honey-water. I set it flat on the shelf in the freezer til it was solid. in the freezer it shall stay.
note: always make offerings alongside any working that calls on your bloodline for its power. I put gin and fresh flowers on my ancestor altar when I'm working roots - in this case, it was a quick turnaround, so gin alone sufficed, but I lit their ancestor candle while I prepared everything, and made clear my gratitude. they want their descendants to prosper, and in this case it's in their interest that folks causing me trouble be diverted from that effort.
second note: cut off contact completely with the person you're freezing or it won't fucking work. do not respond, do not engage, do not speak to them, do not speak OF them where they might see or hear, do not draw their attention.
this is not a malicious working - it is a cease and desist.
and that is how you stick somebody in the freezer. 🥶
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[ LISTEN HERE ]
notable lyrics.
1. There is a house way down in New Orleans / They call the Rising Sun/And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy / And God I know I'm one
2. Future outcasts and they don't last / And, today, the people dress the way that they please/ The way they tried to do in the last centuries
3. And you'll ask yourself / Where is my mind? / Where is my mind?
4. Ask me if I'm happy / I don't care / Maybe I'd be happy if you give me drugs / Ask me if I'm happy / What does it mean?
5. "Run, run, Lost Boy", they say to me / "Away from all of reality" / Neverland is home to Lost Boys like me
6. And the boys always call, and the girls do too / Because in my world, I'm constantly, constantly havin' a breakthrough / Or a breakdown, or a blackout /
Would you make out with me underneath the shelter of the balcony? / 'Cause I don't need anyone, I don't need anyone / I just need everyone and then some
7. Dreamers are selfish / When it all comes down to it / I hope one of you come back to remind me of who I was / When I go disappearing / Into that good night
8. I feel like no one wants me/ And I hate the way I'm perceived / I only have two real friends / And lately, I'm a nervous wreck / 'Cause I love people I don't like / And I hate every song I write / And I'm not cool and I'm not smart
9. Don't let those demons in again / I fill the void up with polished doubt, fake sentiment / Surrender yourself
10. Drunken in Seattle / Two more Xans and without a paddle / I don't remember your face / Or your hair, or your name, or your smile
11. The world is a curse, it'll kill if you let it / I know they got pills that can help you forget it / They bottle it, call it medicine
12. Memories tend to just pop up / Drunk pre-meds and some rubber gloves / Five thousand people with designer drugs / Don't think I'll ever get enough
13. I wanna prove my love before I leave / I wanna make you come and scrape my knees / Want you to bite my tongue until I bleed / And you can put these fucking words in my obituary
14. Maybe I need therapy / Maybe we need less of me / I will make myself smaller before / Completely Exploding / Maybe I should get some sleep / Cause i’m Godless Lawless & non-monogamous
15. Just take my hand and we'll abandon this world / We'll wash those tears away / You're young and beautiful, and I'll love you always / We got no time for pain / When it's just you and me in ecstasy
16. Don't want cash, don't want card / Want it fast, want it hard / Don't need money, don't need fame / I just want to make a change / I just wanna change
17. The happiest I've been's at a party / Wasted with my friends and why not / We die, then it's over / So fuck being sober
18. Oh, you clever little things / The sycophantic teens / What a precious basket case / Now shut your dirty mouth / If I could burn this town / I wouldn't hesitate
19. To the ones who never left me, we've been down this road before / I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore
20. I'll stay in the pool and drown / So I don't have to watch you leave / I put on Survivor just to watch somebody suffer / Maybe I should get some sleep
21. The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy / 'Til all of the tricks don't work anymore / And then they are bored of me
22. I caught a fleeting glimpse / Out of the corner of my eye / I turned to look but it was gone / I cannot put my finger on it now / The child is grown / The dream is gone / I have become comfortably numb
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i am so close to forcing vylad to post his fanfics because 1 theyre really good and 2 u know the fanfic he stayed up til like 3 am writing. the ending is so fucking funny
#❄.txt#the ending is literally just 'live laurance reaction 😨😟'#fae doesnt wanna post faer fanfics. because fawn is shy#(sol claims its because 'theyre nsfw' and 'what if people receive them badly' ok mr anxiety 🙄)#(i say that as if i dont have very similar anxiety about my own fanfics. but shhhhhh)
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