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#i *know* that the story's worth writing because it's stuck with me this long

inkskinned · 1 year

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something that stuck with me once, way back in middle school when i was still learning how to write - my teacher said "writing shock and tragedy is easy, it's humor that's the hardest."

i have been up and down the halls of academia. i have the fancy degree and the experience in publishing. i think i paved most of my own road with the little bricks of sorrow i had stored inside of me. i know i did it mostly with works that are blisteringly lonely. i know why we write like that. it's lifesaving.

but yeah, i mean. i also know how much people think that "sad" media is the same thing as "good" media. our human desire to connect is so hard-pressed that we immediately latch onto any broken themes. the bullied kids and the tales of inspiration. people keep saying things like "glass onion" and "everything everywhere" weren't actually good. because, you know, they're. happy. or happy-ish. happy enough. and we only value art if it's grimdark-adjacent.

do you know - people still consistently whine at me that my writing would be so good if i just capitalized things. i used to flinch. i get kind of a weird, vindictive little rush these days - i get to say thank you for the comment! i have chronic pain and this is how i conserve my hands so i can write more during the day :) grammar isn't real anyway! and now they're trapped in the room with me, you know? i get to pull out my map and show them how grammar is not the same thing as good writing.

writers have this thing. we scratch at our insides, constantly, prying our lives apart into splinters. prying the splinters apart into atoms. when we combust something into poetry, we control it. it cannot hurt us if it exists outside of us rather than burning a hole through the bottom of our lungs. it's not a wonder to me that so much of what i make comes out like a death gasp. i spent a long time at the bottom. i keep going back, too. when you're down there for so long, the only thing you can exhale is fumes.

but humor is hard. humor needs timing; which i can't promise in a paragraph. i can kind-of force it through careful spacing, but i have no idea how fast you're reading these things. humor needs a somewhat awareness of your audience, when really - anybody could be looking. humor needs us to understand what the joke is, why it's a joke, and to think - ha! that is funny. in tragedy, everyone understands the metaphor of a kicked puppy. in humor, you need to introduce them to the concept of a dog.

and forget about positivity. forget about anything not made for adults explicitly. every time i see a well-made children's media piece, i feel fucking horrible for the creators. most of the time, people see children's media as being sort of "not worth" applause, even though i'm pretty sure they have to work twice as hard. i have no idea how hard it must be to not be able to have your character just say. "well, fuck." something about a message of peace or friendship or caring - for some reason, that makes the media not for adults. like, okay. i'm pretty sure my father actually, out of all of us, could use a good book on how to control his temper and talk about his feelings.

but whatever. i write a short story about my ocd, and how it's fucking killing me. it gets an award. it gets published. i write a short story about my ocd, and how i'm overcoming it, and how my days are getting lighter and starting to flourish. i keep getting ghosted. no response. it just is lacking... something.

is this it, forever? you can be an artist, okay. but the trade off is that the things you make - if they're happy? if they're joyful? people will say it's stupid and pandering. you bite your nails off. you file your teeth. you hear something inside of you breaking.

the other day in a writing group, someone i'd thought of as a friend said: "you write so much better these days! i love what you make when you'd rather be dead."

#i have no idea what this is about #writeblr #i think u might tho. if ur an artist. u might. idk

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everlastlady · 11 months

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Hazbin Hotel X Reader: The Wedding

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☕Author's Note: Hello! My little imps, demonic sinners, and powerful overlords. I'm tired asf after writing this for you guys, but it was worth it. Because I love you, guys. Honestly the toxic part of the HH & HB fandoms drains me. But you good souls out there make being in this fandom worth it. Especially with this VP drama, everything is just crazy and messy. But I'm glad to see some mature, respectful, and level headed people out there handling this drama well and not speaking over the Jewish, Trans, Poc, & LGBTQ+ people. I'll deliver a few more HH & HB stories. But after that I'm taking a break and stepping back from the fandom for awhile because of how toxic it has become. But I'll be posting other things, but I'll still deliver the Helluva Boss wedding version. So I hope yall enjoy the Hazbin version. Don't forget to like, comment, or reblog if you enjoyed.

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☕Word Count: 4498

☕Fandom: Helluva Boss

☕Triggers: Angel's part includes drug abuse & about the Val stuff. Husk's parts include alcohol. I hope I handled both subjects well.

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Alastor: You and Alastor met. When you decided to help Charlie at the hotel, you were an overlord who knew how to cause chaos and have fun. That’s what Alastor loved about you. He saw that you were never shy, foolish, or stuck in the mud. He also admired how you would use humor with your powerful abilities. The two of you became close and enjoyed causing chaos. Alastor was the one to ask you out when the hotel threw a party. And you agreed to be Alastor’s partner. The two of you dating wasn’t different from when you were friends. But Alastor did love holding you close to him in private, dancing, and listening to you sing. Alastor never really thought about marriage when he was alive. He wasn’t even thinking about dating since he valued causing pain and his radio show more than love. But being in Hell with you changed things. And after dating for a long while, Alastor wanted to pop the question, so he started planning and had everyone in the hotel help him.

You found it strange how Alastor was acting and when you would ask him, he would simply say. “ Just making big plans, don’t you worry your pretty little head. But lovely doe eyes. “ Later that night Alastor had made a candlelight dinner. And you were led into the room with Angel covering your eyes. You open your eyes. To see Husk playing the violin, Charlie and Vaggie on stage romantically singing on stage, and Niffty led you over to the table after fixing the roses on it. You smiled and looked up to see Alastor standing there. “ I hope, everything looks lovely my dear. “ Alastor walked over and pulled out your seat, you sat down and he pushed up your seat. Alastor had a feeling that he hasn’t felt since he was alive, since his first kill. The butterflies in his stomach were going crazy. He sat down and the two of you ate dinner. Charlie, Vaggie, Angel, Husk, and Niffty. Left you both alone, which Alastor didn’t want them to. But Charlie gave him a thumbs up and left. Alastor cleared his throat and looked at you.

“ My dear, (Y/N), I love you a lot and you know this because we are dating, haha. “ Alastor let out a nervous chuckle. “ But you are more than my partner, you are my everything. You make me feel alive and I love causing chaos with you. And I wanna do it forever. You are so smart, beautiful, and passionate. So will you be mine? “ Alastor opened the box and showed you the ring. You gasped and your lips curled into a smile. You looked at Alastor with tears in your eyes, you nodded and Alastor chuckled and started to laugh. He grabbed your hand and slipped on the ring. You both share a sweet passionate kiss and look into each other’s eyes and then proceed to carry on with the dinner date. After a month the wedding was here, and you both were getting married at the hotel. You made Vaggie, your maid of honor. And she took planning this wedding seriously along with Charlie and Niffty. You already had your wedding outfit and the theme you and Alastor agreed on was lovely. You both had a guest list, food, drinks, etc. Husk was walking you down the aisle. You smiled watching everyone stare at you and when you look at the altar. You saw Alastor, he looked so breathtaking. You stood there holding hands with Alastor, you both staring into each’s eyes. While the marriage officiant talked. You and Alstor exchanged a vow and he went last and here is what he said.

“ My dearest, (Y/N), you were the embodiment of chaos, everything about you from your wicked smile, cunning mind, and evil eyes. I knew that you would not only be my friend. But my love, I will cherish the memories we made and will continue to cherish the ones we make as your husband. Thank you for making me feel alive again. I hope you never get tired of my jokes, my dear just like how I’ll never get tired of that wonderful singing. I promise to protect, honor, love, and grow with you. “

It was official you and Alastor. Were married and you both shared a kiss, everyone clapped and cheered. You and Alastor ate cake, drank, and danced. Alastor hated Vox and Angel Dust's speech. This made you giggle. After the wedding, Alastor and you made it back to your home. He carried you inside and down the hallway. Both of you singing, he set you down on the bed and walked to the bathroom to change, and you sat there changing out of your wedding outfit, and slipped into your pajamas. “ My dear, I think a honeymoon somewhere special will be nice. “ Alastor said calling out from the bathroom. He stepped out buttoning up his maroon-red pajama shirt. He got into bed and kissed your cheek hugging you close. You both stared at the rings on your fingers and then back at each other and looked into each other’s eyes. And gave each a kiss, you were glad to have married Alastor, and he was glad to have married you.

Vox: You and Vox didn’t get along when you first met. It didn’t help that you were friends with Alastor. So the fighting was interesting. But soon you and Vox began to warm up to each other. Whether it was playful teasing, lunch together, or doing favors for each other. Vox soon released he had feelings for you when Valetino was talking about tricking you into signing a contract with him. Vox lost his shit on Valentino and threatened him. He didn’t care if he damaged his relationship with Vox. wasn’t going to let anyone or anything hurt you. Vox eventually asked you out to dinner and you agreed. Little did Vox know you also developed feelings for him. So it was funny when you both asked each other out. Vox was glad to have you as his partner, and he let everyone know you were his and he did that with a broadcast. Saying if anyone hurts or touches you. Will be hanging from his cords.

During your relationship with Vox, he would spoil you. Anything you wanted. He would buy it for you. If anyone pissed you off, they were gone the next day or apologizing then running away. Alastor didn’t mind you dating Vox and supported this relationship. With this relationship going well, Vox was ready to marry you. But he wanted to do something big. So he rented out your favorite restaurant. (If it's a fast food restaurant then, I fucking swear.) Anyway, Vox rented out your favorite restaurant, and you both drove there in the back of the limo. Vox awfully was unusual he is usually bragging about his latest breakthrough in his company or ranting about Alastor. He seemed to be fidgeting with something in his pocket. When arriving at the restaurant, you held onto his arm and you both walked inside. Being greeted by the staff.

You watched as Vox pulled on your seat. And you smiled sitting down. Vox sat down across from you, stared into your eyes, and cleared his throat, he wanted to get this out of the way so the whole evening, he isn’t a nervous wreck. So he cleared his throat and you looked from your menu and down at his hand that was bawled up. He stared at you while his screen glitched and flashed a bit. “ (Y/N), you mean a lot to me. I know we were both assholes to each other. We still are sometimes, but we do it with more passion. But when I look at you, I see more than a partner. I see someone I want to be in this madness. You appreciate me and see me for me. So will you do me a favor and marry me? “ Vox shakily opened his hand showing the small dark blue velvet box. He opened the box and there was an expensive ring. “ I had it custom-made for you. “ He said softly. You gasped and smiled, staring at Vox, and nodded. Vox smiled and grabbed your hand to slip on the ring and kissed you.

You and Vox continued this date. And after a few weeks of planning the wedding was here and just like the dinner date. He went all out for the wedding. He wanted it to be perfect and he also wanted to flex. Rosie was your mind of honor and Vevlet made sure to help out because she quoted. “ This wedding will be the thing everyone will be talking about on Voxtagram and the uninvited will be wishing they, were here. “ She sang out. You had your wedding outfit on and Alastor would be walking you down the aisle, you looked to see Vox standing there looking nervous but happy because you looked so beautiful. When standing up there with him, you two held hands while the marriage officiant talked. You both began to exchange vows and Vox went last, he pulled out a paper from his coat and began talking.

“ (Y/N), You have always been a pain in my ass, and you still are. But good pain. At first, we didn’t get along but now we do and I’m glad we do. Because you are the peace I need when everything is too loud in my head. You know how to have a good time and a relaxing time. You are not only my partner but a dear friend. A friend, I want to marry and be with forever. Thank you for saying yes to me being your boyfriend, and thank you for saying yes to me being your husband. “

After the vows you and Vox kiss. Everyone cheers, shouts, and claps. Vox made sure to get your favorite cake and you two shared it. After the whole wedding fun. The two of you went home. You and drinking wine, laughing and walking into the bedroom. Both of you fell onto the bed, holding each other and caressing each’s cheek, and smiling at each other. “ I know we are already dead, but until death do us part my love. “ Vox said, he placed a kiss on your lips.

Sir Pentious: You had been working for Pentious for a while. You two had been good friends and you loved helping him invent things. You believed in him and you believed that he would be an overlord. Pentious wouldn’t admit it. But he had a crush on you, and he was scared that you’ll reject him. He’s always been rejected, judged, and put down. He wasn’t ready to be hurt again. But one of the henchmen walked over and told you that Pentious liked you, and Pentious screamed and ran towards the door but accidentally smacked into the wall and knocked himself out. Pentious eventually woke up and saw you sitting next to him reading. You saw that you had woken up, and he apologized for acting scared and foolish. You sighed with a smile and kissed his cheek. You told him, that you’ll be his partner which made him happy. He felt like number one. He held you close and kissed your cheek. You and Pentious had been dating for a long while and Pentious was ready to pop the big question.

He wanted this to be perfect and not like how it went when you agreed to be his partner. So he was going to invent something. He was in his lab for a while and asked you not to come in. Which you respected and didn’t even ask why. So you went to go cook dinner for you and him. As you were cooking you heard tiny little clicks. You look over and down to see a little robot. It stretched up to your height with a yellow box and you grabbed the box open it, you gasped seeing a ring. “ I sold half of my inventions, to get you the perfect ring. “ Pentious came from around the corner. And stared at you. “ Will you marry me, (Y/N)? “ He said, with a nervous smile. You ran over and jumped into his arms and kissed him. He took that as a yes. He started to weep. He was going to make sure you both have a lovely wedding.

You and Pentious had a nice wedding and planned it together. Pentious invited his henchmen and you invited your friends. Cherri and Angel heard about the wedding, so they went to crash it. But they saw how happy Pentious was. So they decided to be good guests and took their seats with the egg goons. But you needed someone to walk you down the aisle and Angel offered. So you let the flamboyant spider give you away on your wedding day. You held hands with Pentious at the altar. After the marriage officiant stopped talking you both exchanged vows with Pentious going last.

“ My dearest, (Y/N), I love you a lot and I know I say that every day. Like a lot but every time I see you, you make me remember that all this worth it. You make me glad I live in Hell. And I want to continue to live in Hell with you. I’m glad we will end this day as spouses. I will be glad to call myself your husband. “

After the vows, you and Pentious kiss. His tail wrapped around you and he held you closer. The two of you shared a dance and ate the cake that the egg goons made which was surprisingly delicious. You and Pentious went home. And decided to watch a movie and relax. “ I love you, my dear (Y/N). “ Pentious kissed you and you both snuggle closer and enjoyed your night as a married couple.

Husk: You met Husk when you arrived at the hotel to sing for the guest. You were a famous singer and when Husk saw you and heard you sing on stage. He thought your voice was amazing. But what brought you close together is when he saw a creepy fan bothering you. He walked over and punched the person and knocked them out. You thanked Husk, and he simply shrugged and offered to make you a drink. The two of you drank and chatted all night. After that night the two of you became good friends. And you visit Husk, sometimes he would vent to you about his frustration and eventually tell you about his old life. And your words always melted Husk and made him feel at peace. He soon asked you out on your, guys’ second date and you agreed to be his partner. Dating Husk was nice and he was kind to you and you were kind to him. After dating for a long while. He didn’t think about marriage until Alastor brought it up. Husk had trouble planning on how to ask for your hand in marriage, thankfully Alastor decided to help and made sure to keep Angel out of it.

Alastor had Niffty keep you distracted. Husk decided to use the garden and he got more help from Charlie and Vaggie to help. Angel snuck in to help but he did an amazing job with the fairy lights. Niffty leads you outside. You were always amazed at how beautiful the garden was and how well-kept it was. But it looked even more stunning at night and as you continued to walk. You stopped and saw Husk standing there holding a black box. Alastor, Angel, Charlie, and Vaggie held up separate signs that said. ‘ Will You Marry Me? ‘ You walked towards Husk and watched him open the box to reveal the ring. You smiled and nodded, you agreed to marry Husk which made the demonic-looking cat happy. He slipped the ring on your finger while the others left to give you and Husk some time alone. You and Husk walked through the garden while talking, laughing, and discussing wedding plans. When the wedding finally arrived, you stood in front of the mirror admiring your wedding outfit. Alastor would be walking you down the aisle. You walked up and held hands with Husk, going on to exchange vows and Husk went last. He let out a nervous chuckle. He saw Vaggie give a thumbs-up while holding Charlie close. Husk cleared his throat and began to speak.

“ (Y/N) When I first met you, I didn’t think you were always going to be this damn important to me. Ever since I arrived in Hell. I pushed people away and drowned myself in booze and gambling. Something to fill that empty void in my hard. I kept telling myself, I lost the ability to love years ago. That the only thing I should love was nothing… but then I met you, and you changed all that. You not only helped me change for you. But for myself, and I thank you for that. You may be a demon like me but you came into my life like an angel. And I can’t wait to go to bed seeing that beautiful face of yours and to wake up seeing it again, I love you (Y/N ) “

Husk finished speaking and stared at you. You both had tears in your eyes and then proceeded to kiss. Everyone cheered you to celebrate. You and Husk cut the cake together. Husk didn’t drink at all, he seemed happy with other beverages and the cake. It made you happy to see him enjoying something other than alcohol and gambling. After the wedding, Husk carried you home while you rambled about a honeymoon trip that you both could take. Husk chuckled. “ I’ll see how much is in the bank account doll. “ Husk plops down on the couch with you and held you close. The both of you decided to watch an old movie while cuddling on the couch. You placed your hand on Husk’s chest and he gave you a kiss on your chin. Husk was glad to have you in his life and he was glad to call you his spouse.

Angel Dust: Cherri had introduced you to Angel Dust and you weren’t sure what to think of him. But after a while, you two clicked and it was always fun with Angel around. The two of you loved to gossip, run around in the streets of hell, and sometimes dress up Fat Nugget. You had taught Angel about boundaries and how to respect people’s boundaries. You had sadly learned he didn’t know about boundaries because of Valentino. Oh, how you wanted to turn that bitch ass moth into dust for the things he did to Angel and what he made Angel do. It took some time but you eventually helped Angel learn about boundaries and even teach him how to set his own boundaries. The drug problem took some time and even with being in a relationship with him, it took some time. Angel even built the courage to stand up and walk away from Valentino. You and Angel had a nice relationship and he loved seeing you and Fat Nugget whenever he entered his room.

After a long while of dating, getting comfortable with each other, and growing with each other. Angel Dust wanted to marry you. And if he knew if his mother was here, then she would scream and be excited. He called up his siblings to help, then asked Vaggie and Charlie to help. All agreed to help. Molly decided to keep you distracted by telling you childhood stories about Angel while you two watched some movie, she picked out. Angel Dust planned a picnic on the rooftop of the hotel and brought Fat Nugget along for a good reason. Angel texted Molly to bring you up to the roof. Molly grabbed your hand and lead you to the flights of stairs to the rooftop. You gasped seeing the rooftop decorated and a small table with your favorite food, drinks, and dessert. Angel thanked his sister Molly for distracting you and his brother for cooking the food.

Angel pulled out your chair. You sat down and Angel called over Fat Nugget. You squealed wanting to see your little demon pig baby. But what made your (E/C) go wide was that Fat Nugget had a little pink velvet box on his back. He stopped in front of you and you looked at Angel who nodded at you. You picked up the box and opened it. Your eyes teared up as you stared at the ring and looked at Angel. “ Will you marry me? “ Angel asked and held out his hand. You smile with tears and nod at Angel, you slipped on the ring and offered him your hand. He placed a kiss on your hand and was happy you said yes. The two of you enjoyed the meal, soon the wedding had arrived, and with Angel was the extra spider he is. He went all out for this wedding. Vaggie was giving you away on your wedding day, and Fat Nugget was swinging rose petals from the basket. You and Angel held hands at the altar and exchanged vows, and Angel went last he seemed genuinely happy when he looked into your eyes.

“ I have never been good at writing sappy shit, I almost had Husk and Alastor helped me. But I decided to do this for myself. Because you taught me how to not only do things for myself but to stand up for myself. I love are loud and quiet moments. I love the way you smile and laugh, and that thing you do with your nose when you are mad. It’s adorable babe. But what I love most about you. Is that you didn’t give up on me. You saw me more than some annoying loud asshole. You saw my many layers and you showed me many layers of you. I’m so glad you came into my life. You mean the world to me and I want to continue making these layers with you, speaking of layers can’t wait to try the cake with you. But I mean when I see I love ya, and I can’t wait to see what memories you, me, and Fat Nugget make. “

The vows were beautiful and you kissed Angel. He held you close to kiss you more and everyone cheered. You both celebrated and enjoyed eating the cake. Even going as far as to smear each’s others’ faces with the cake frosting. Pictures being taken those pictures that would last a long time. You and Angel went to the rooftop while everyone was having fun. You both sat up there drinking and cuddling. “ I’m glad, I’m not in pain anymore. “ Angel said looking at you. “ I’m glad someone like you hit me with reality and took me seriously, I love you. “ Angel kissed you and held you close. The two of you watching the stars and holding each other close.

Rosie: You came across Rosie because you were Alastor’s little sibling. And Alastor loved having you by his side so you of course would be meeting Rosie. And the two of you enjoyed reading, talking, going on walks, and baking sweets. Throughout this beautiful friendship formed a relationship. And Rosie loved having you as a partner. She adored and spoiled you, with this long loving relationship, Rosie wanted to marry you. And she asked for Alastor’s blessing and your brother of course gave his blessing. He saw how Rosie treated you and he wanted not only Rosie but you to be happy as well. So Rosie and Alastor got to planning. You had been out shopping for groceries and running errands. When you arrived home at your and Rosie’s home. Something smelled good. You set the bags down and walked into the kitchen but didn’t see. You saw a cake sitting on the table it was your favorite flavor. You stepped closer and gasped seeing the frosting spelled out will you marry me with the ring on it like a little decoration “So will you? “ You turned around to see Rosie staring at you.

She walked over and looked at you. You smiled at her and said yes. She kissed you and smiled in the kiss. You pick up the ring from the cake and lick the frosting from it and slip it on your finger, you and Rosie decided to eat the cake. Rosie later that night called Alastor while you were sleeping and told him. That everything went well, he was glad to hear that. Soon the wedding had arrived and you both decided to have a garden wedding. You were walking down the aisle in your beautiful wedding outfit, Alastor was giving you away on your wedding day.

You stood up there with Rosie. Both wearing flower crowns and holding hands. Looking into each’s others’ eyes while smiling. She looked so beautiful in her wedding dress and she loved your wedding outfit. Alastor was proud to see his best friend and sibling getting married. He even got you both a nice wedding gift and couldn’t wait for you to both open it. But now it was time to exchange vows and Rosie went last.

“ My dear, (Y/N) how I have pictured this day. Standing here with you, with all our friends and family. I’m glad they witness mean marrying a beautiful soul and face like you. I’m glad that Alastor had introduced us because I saw you. I saw something bright, I just didn’t know that bright light would bring me closer to you, and I’m glad it did. For I want to see where this marriage will take us and what new memories we will make. I’m also happy that Alastor will be my brother-in-law since I always considered him family. And now I can consider you not just my spouse but my everything. You are the bee to my flower, the frosting to my cake, and the madness to my chaos. I love you my, (Y/N) thank you for this beautiful day. “

You and Rosie kissed. While everyone cheered, you and Rosie shared a dance. You also shared a dance with your big brother Alastor who kept telling you how proud of you, he was, he also wanted you and Rosie to open the gift which you both did. Alastor made you both a custom radio. You smiled and thanked him. After the wedding, you and Rosie went home. And changed into your sleepwear. She crawled into bed with you and peppers you in kisses, the two of you sharing a passionate kiss in bed, and broke away to stare at each other. You found beauty in her madness just like she did with you.

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cringe-but-proud · 4 months

Note

Hello! I noticed that your requests are open.

I was wondering if I could request a (2023) Wonka x Fem! Reader where she’s a writer who had/has been writing about the happenings with the startup of Willy’s chocolate shop, and writes about chocolate but has yet to find a chocolate she really likes so Willy makes it his mission to create something perfect for her, which leads to the two of them falling in love?

No pressure if you can’t! Have a great day!

Yea

Willy Wonka x Fem! Interviewer!Reader (Wonka 2023)

A/n: Just wanna say thanks for all the support! I was really nervous about posting my writing, but y'all have been nothing but supportive 😽 My requests are open (see pinned post for info) feel free to request any character 😛

After the sudden success of Wonka's chocolate and the downfall of the chocolate cartel, there were a lot of publishers around wanting to get the story of exactly how this all occured.

Willy was getting a lot of requests for one on one interviews from a lot of different people. But, he decided to do one with the only interviewer he'd met before.

Y/n.

She'd talked to him before all of his success, back when he was still hiding from the chocolate cartel and having to do his business in secret.

She was one of the few people who had taken him seriously while also not seeing him as a threat.

He was a bit excited to get to see her again.

The interview was happening in the part of his factory that was considered his office (he didn't like that title, because it sounded "too serious"). When Y/n arrived for the interview Willy sat right next to her.

"Thanks for letting me talk with you." She started. "I can imagine you've gotten a lot of offers from different publishers to talk about everything that's been happening lately."

Willy nodded. "There have. But, I wanted to see you." He replied, offering her a soft smile.

"Oh?" She tilted her head. "Is there a reason for that?"

"For wanting to see you? Of course there is. It's because I already know who great you are at this." He stated. "After the last time we talked, Noodle read me the part of the paper that our interview was in."

"Noodle?"

"Oh, Noodle's sort of like my business partner. The brains of the operation."

She nodded. "Could you tell me more about that?"

"Absolutely."

Willy went on talking about Noodle, how she'd helped him, the adventures they'd gone on, and how close they'd gotten. Y/n continued asking questions, Willy gave adequate answers, and eventually, Y/n closed the notebook she was writing in with a satisfied nod.

"I think that'll be enough for now." She said. "Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"Yes, actually." Willy leaned forward in his seat. "I wanted to ask you a few questions."

She blinked. "Oh?"

"I feel like you know a lot about me, but I don't know anything about you." He explains. "And I think I'd like to learn about you."

She was a bit flattered by that and gave him a faint smile. "Alright... Feel free to ask me your questions."

"Why'd you become an interviewer?" He asked.

"I think everyone's story is worth telling." She began. "And what better way is there to learn about someone's story than by asking them directly?"

Willy liked that answer. "How long have you been an interviewer?"

She thought for a moment. "The first time I interviewed someone was for a school project when I was 15. So, technically... 7 years."

He liked doing this. He liked learning about her. Maybe he just liked talking to her.

"What's your favorite chocolate?" He asked.

"I don't have one."

"What?!" His eyes widened. "Everyone has a favorite chocolate!"

She shrugged. "I don't."

"Do you not like chocolate?"

"It's not that I don't like it. I've just never tried a chocolate that stuck out to me."

Willy couldn't believe what he was hearing. How could someone not have a favorite chocolate?! "Well, we've gotta change that." He said as he got out of his seat.

"Wha-"

"Follow me!" He took her hand and began leading her down the halls of his factory.

She was about to protest, but she realized she didn't have anywhere she needed to be. And why would she pass up the opportunity to spend more time with a guy who was this cute?

He led her through the factory, stopping in different rooms to let her try the many variations of chocolate he'd made. And each time she said the same thing.

"It's good."

He was glad she didn't hate anything he'd given her, but he wanted to impress her! He didn't know why he wanted to impress her so badly, he just knew this was something he needed to do.

After several more attempts at wowing her, Willy sighed, feeling a bit defeated.

"Well, Y/n..." He said. "I guess you really don't have a favorite chocolate..."

Oh god, now she felt bad. She thought for a moment before speaking again. "Y'know, now that I'm thinking about it," She said. "I really liked the third one that you let me try."

His eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think that one's your favorite?"

"Definitely."

He beamed. "That's great! That's amazing! I'm so glad you found one you liked!"

Y/n smiled at his excitement. Truthfully, she couldn't even remember what the third chocolate she'd eaten was. But, if saying it was her favorite made Willy this happy, then it was definitely her favorite.

She finally left the factory, surprised to see that the sun was starting to go down which meant she'd probably spent a good 4 hours with Willy. She'd barely gotten 2 steps down the street when she was stopped.

"Wait!" She turned to see Willy running toward her holding a jar of... Something. He stopped in front of her and caught his breath for a moment before handing her the jar. "This is for you."

Y/n looked at Willy, at the jar, and then back at Willy. "Why?"

"Because it's your favorite." He smiled at her.

"Oh!" He was giving her a gift. That made sense. "Right. I knew that. Thank you."

"It's no problem. We should... Talk again soon." Willy suggested.

"For another interview?"

"Just to talk with each other." He smiled at her. "I think you're fun to talk to."

"Oh." A blush creeped on to her cheeks at that. "I'd like that."

His smile widened. "Great! I'll be looking forward to it." He began to step backwards toward his factory. "Till next time, Y/n."

Y/n gave him a small wave goodbye before finally continuing to walk away.

A couple minutes into her walk she opened the jar he'd given her and popped one of the chocolates into her mouth.

Maybe this one really was her favorite.

#x reader #fanfiction #wonka x reader #wonka 2023 x reader #willy wonka x reader

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seat-safety-switch · 8 months

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Once in awhile, you can get one over on The Man. Finally, after all these years of toiling under his rule, doing his dirty work, begging for his praise, he has well and truly fucked up. And, it turns out, your entire life has been building up to the moment that you can milk him for all he's worth.

Have you ever seen a Dodge Caliber? They're getting sort of uncommon now, but when they were new, they were pretty hateful cars. Cheap, buzzy, surprisingly uneconomical, steering that felt like telling a funeral home operator how to sign a birthday card over the phone by long distance. And they fell apart all the time. Most cars get repaired, but these things got gleefully shovelled into the junkyard at the first chance the owners got.

Not all of them, though. This is a story about one very special Dodge Caliber. You see, my aunt needed a car. And my aunt is very nervous about owning a car. The skills of shitbox repair never made it into her genes, you see, possibly because she is not related to me by blood. So, in order to get that car, she went to the Dodge dealership, and she asked them: can you do a lifetime warranty, unlimited mileage, no questions asked, cover everything? And they said: for you, ma'am, we absolutely can charge you an obscene, eye-watering amount of money.

Once I found out about this, I was mad. And then I figured it out. You see, what my aunt did have was being insanely cheap. That's why she was a part of my degenerate family. She still is, even though my Uncle Larry exploded that one night at Arecibo. Unlimited mileage. There has never been a sweeter phrase uttered in the English language.

Now, whenever anyone we know needs to go for a long trip, we tell them: take the Caliber. Rack those miles up. Punish those stupid motherfuckers for writing such a terrible, open-ended contract. My aunt runs a taxi service consisting entirely of this vehicle, a fleet of drivers constantly rotating in and out, the thing rolling virtually 24/7. I love driving this car, because every single mile that ticks up on the odometer is more salty tears from the low-wattage pig who thought he was a big-time wheeler and dealer down at Old Time Country Dodge.

To their credit, they figured out the enormous error that they had made fairly quickly. When Aunt Hilda rolled in the thing, smoking and wheezing, for its sixth transmission replacement at eight-hundred-and-fifty-thousand kilometers, they offered to buy it from her and give her a brand new luxury SUV, just for being such a great customer. She laughed, and told them to get started overhauling the Caliber, and don't forget to take a look at the squeaking sound it started making in the back.

When things got real bad during the recession, they tried to go bankrupt, thinking that might get them out from having to maintain this economy car until the sun burns out. Ha! Death won't save you, my friend. My attorney Max picked that one up pro bono, despite hating warranty law, just for the pleasure of watching their attorney read the purchase contract. Her eyes got so big that they stuck that way. The paramedics had to use the jaws of life on her eyelids so she could blink again.

If you see me in the Caliber, make sure to honk. I probably won't stop to say hi, because we gotta keep this odometer rollin'. Rest assured, however, that I will honk back, maybe ten or fifteen times. Really get my money's worth out of that horn.

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xxhispieceofheavenxx · 1 year

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All is peachy || Regulus Black

Summary: After spending the summer hooking up with his brother's best friend, Regulus convinces himself she only wants him because she can't have Sirius. Or where Regulus masturbates with a peach but he is sad while doing so. (basically, the peach scene from call me by your name)

CW: slight angst to fluff, smut, male masturbation, oral sex (male receiving), self-dought, French!Regulus, French!Sirius, fem!reader. Let me know If I missed something.

Word count: 2.9k words

Hiii! I'm back with a Regulus one-shot. I had this in the back of my mind for a while now and I'm so glad I could write it down. I said that this fic wouldn't take me long, and it didn't because I've been writing it nonstop, but it's still the longest story I've written. With that being said I hope you enjoy it!

Request are open

Masterlist

The loud laughter makes his eyes roll as his mouth puffs out a breath. Sirius' voice is boisterous while joking around with his cousins Juliette, Lèon and Manon. It usually wouldn't bother him as much as it does today, but among his family, he can hear the sweet laughter that's been plaguing his mind for the entirety of the summer.

She's waist-deep in the water, squinted eyes as Sirius continues splashing water around the group. The sun shines bright, making her hair and skin look even more lively than usual. He should join them; the heat is almost unbearable even as he sits under the shadow of a big tree, pretending to read his worn-out copy of Moby Dick. He should be in the water enjoying his summer, but he can't, not when she's there, looking even more beautiful than he remembers ever seeing her. She's wearing a flowery bikini, her skin looking darker thanks to the sun.

When this summer started, Regulus never thought he would be in a situation like this; when Sirius told him he had invited a friend to spend the holiday with them at their summer manor in the South of France, he never thought he would end up falling for her. She was the loveliest from the moment she entered their house, even making his usually stern parents smile and comment about how Sirius had finally found a friend worth their time. It was hard not loving her sweet voice and laughter, the smell of her hair while she flung it over her shoulder, talking animatedly with his cousin Juliette, easy to make friends when they arrived at the holiday manor. He never thought he would have a chance with a woman so bright she could face the sun and still shine more, not him, not his gloomy face and grey eyes. But he was wrong about that again, and only a week into the summer, Regulus found himself kissing the woman of his dreams.

They had been drinking outside, near the lake, where they were swimming now. Regulus had gotten up to find more drinks when she, always the enthusiastic helper, offered to help him carry them back. Unsure how it happened, they were kissing in the wine cellar. Her body pushed against a wall, her legs around his waist, her finger tangled in his hair. Regulus thought it had all been a dream when he woke up with a killer headache. It became clear it wasn't when she tentatively pressed a hand to his back and gave him a knowing smile during breakfast, the kind that holds a secret only they share.

The next few weeks were spent sneaking around, tasting each other and enjoying furtive glances and touches. That was until Regulus decided she couldn't like a guy like him, not when she had Sirius around, the extrovert, the funny and witty brother. Why would she choose him over Sirius when he was everything his brother wasn't? Introverted, quiet, nose always stuck in a book, never able to defend himself or speak his mind, always afraid about what he could do wrong. That's why he has spent the last week making up excuses, looking the other way when her eyes tried to find his.

Giving up on distracting himself with his book, he closes it and gets up. Quick steps guide him inside the kitchen where house elves are busy prepping for dinner; out of the corner of his eye, he sees a basket full of ripe peaches and quickly grabs two, taking them upstairs to his room.

Tossing the book on his bed, he grabs the bottom of his flowy linen shirt and places a peach on his nightstand. He takes it off, allowing the cloth to fall to the floor. He lays down and starts taking the pit out of the peach in his hand. The sweet juice runs down his fingers all the way to his wrist; he manages to lick them up before the dops reach the bedding. Regulus grabs his book once more and becomes determined to get the girl out of his mind. He opens it on the marked page and aggressively chomps down on the peach.

After rereading the same line over ten times and finishing his peach, he accepts defeat. Closing the book, he places it on his nightstand and lays back, looking at the ceiling like it is about to give him the answer to stop his despair. He thought he had a chance, he really did, but that was just plain wishful thinking. He had seen himself as lucky all those times she had allowed him a taste of her lips or allowed him in her bed. But of course, it was just a distraction for her, so she wouldn't have to face Sirius' escapees alone. He knew it was all too good to be true. His brother was always the desired; he was the oldest, the more handsome, the charismatic and witty. He was still the same brother that had invited her and then left her alone with his family to meet his multiple summer affairs, leaving her to try and console herself with always-number-two Regulus.

He blames himself for even thinking that her touches were ever directed at him. Even if they were on his skin, he knows that in her mind there was only one man, and it wasn't him. All her kisses, caresses, moans and whispers weren't for him.

Groaning, Regulus looks down at the tent that formed in his summer shorts. Which had been happening a lot more often; whenever he remembers her and their endeavours. His hand had started failing him as well, no longer giving him enough pleasure. But after feeling how soft, wet and warm her cunt was all summer, it isn't a surprise. Another sight leaves his lips when he reaches for the forgotten peach by his bedside. Closing his eyes, he rolls the peach between his fingers. The soft skin reminds him of her, extra soft, after applying sunscreen all summer.

Regulus opens his eyes slightly, focusing his sight on the peach in his hands. His index finger starts gently caressing where the stem used to be, softly feeling the curves of the fruit. His breathing becomes slightly ragged as his thoughts continue to flow. No, he can't do that; it would be weird. Shaking his head, he stabs the top of the peach with his thumb, juices falling all over his chest and abdomen. He is quick to gather them with his fingers and lick them clean. He finally gets the pit out and sucks on it, getting as much of the flesh as he can, then he rolls it between his fingers and chucks it across the room, still upset at his thoughts.

Regulus hitches himself higher up, allowing his back to rest on the pillows. Tentatively, he brings the peach into his mouth, sucking the flesh exposed in the hole he left after taking the pit out. He nibbles and lets his tongue roam around the hole, closing his eyes and throwing his head back, only one thing on his mind. He can't help but compare her to the fruit, sweet and soft, juices wetting his lips and face as he explores it with his mouth.

He opens his eyes, knowing that he has lost the battle with his thoughts. Regulus lets one of his hands tread slowly down his body to the button of his shorts; his other brings the fruit into his underwear. Regulus bites back a moan, letting air out his nose, and pushes into the hole. He lets his eyes close again, feeling the sensations; how wet it is, how if he squishes it just a little bit, it feels like her cunt fluttering around him. Her face is clear behind his closed lids, mouth slightly open with pleasure, no noises coming out of her with how much he was making her feel. It doesn't take much more than that image to release, his semen filling the fruit in his hand.

Disgusted with his actions, he quickly places the peach on his nightstand. He casts a quick glance as his cum drips in a long, slow drop down one side and turns his back to it, ready to forget about what he has done.

Hours later, the bright sun is much duller coming in through the window. Soft steps pad through his bedroom floor until they reach the edge of his bed. A smile touches her lips as she watches Regulus lie asleep on his sheets, slack jaw, eyelashes fluttering as he dreams. She sits on the mattress, careful not to wake him up and laces her finger to his soft curls. She bends over, letting her lips place kisses all over Regulus' naked chest.

His eyes flutter open, dazed, as he watches her kiss down his abdomen, all the way to his unbuttoned shorts. Her hand reaches down, pulling his semi-hard dick out and placing it in her mouth. He sighs and looks as her face scrunches up in shock.

"What did you do?"

That is enough to fully wake him up, realising this is not a dream and she is currently inside his room sucking him off.

"Nothing." His all-too-fast answer is enough to make her look around his room, not taking long to find the peach on his nightstand.

"Oh, wow..." she says as she reaches over him for the fruit.

"Stop." Regulus sits up and tries to get it out of her grasp.

"What? No, this is very interesting." A grin takes over her face as she chuckles.

"It's nasty."

"Yes, it is." Her smile grows. She sticks her tongue out, trying to get the drop that fell off the side.

"Stop, don't do that." Regulus tries to take the fruit away again, but she quickly avoids his hand. "Seriously, stop." His hand misses hers a third time, and she tries to lick his cum off the peach again. "Just stop, please." A sob escapes his body suddenly, tears start streaming down his face.

"Reggie, what...?" Her words get lost as he bends over her, hiding his face on her lap. "What's wrong?" Her fingers tangle on his hair again, helping her concerned voice.

"I'm sorry, I'm..." He raises his head and wipes furiously at his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"No, no, I'm sorry." She lets the peach down on his other nightstand, the closest to her. "I didn't mean to upset you. I was only joking." Her concerned eyes look for his.

"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cry." His eyes refuse to meet hers.

"Reggie, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, don't worry." He sniffs and tries to get up. She grabs his wrist, making him look at her, a surprised expression on his face.

"Something is clearly wrong. Talk to me." Her gentle voice makes tears prick his eyes again. He lays back down, letting his arm cover his eyes so she cannot see them.

"I just,... I don't know." She lays down, placing her head on his shoulder, humming, letting him know he can continue. "I..., why are we doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Kissing, making out, having sex." His arm falls down, and he stares at his ceiling once again, refusing to look at the woman on his shoulder whose eyes are boring into his face.

"You don't like it?" She whispers, voice unsure.

"I do, but do you?"

"Of course I do. I wouldn't do it if I didn't." That makes him turn his face to her.

"Do you just like the sex?" The commissures of his lips go down, threatening new tears. "Because I'm sure you can find sex somewhere else."

"What?" Her eyes search into his, hoping they will give her an answer.

"If what you enjoy is the sex, I'm sure you can find someone that is not your crush's little brother to give it to you." His voice turns slightly venomous at his words. He can't believe she is making him spell it out for her. He had enough humiliation as it is; allowing her in, thinking that he was enough for her, only to realize Sirius was the one she wanted and couldn't have.

"Wait, wow, wow, wow." She sits up, her arms moving defensively in front of her. "What are you talking about?"

His brow furrows, and he sits up on the bed as well. "You have a crush on Sirius."

"Ew, what the fuck?" She makes a disgusted expression. "Who the fuck told you that?"

"I, hm... no one?"

"Why do you think I like Sirius?"

"Because... everyone does." He looks as confused as her, not understanding her disgust and shock at the revelation.

"Who the fuck is everyone? Reggie, why would I have sex with you if I wanted Sirius?" Her frown deepens.

His mouth relaxes open, confused sound spill out while his eyes look around the room, trying to find an answer. She doesn't...? But all those looks she sent Sirius' way, they coy smiles and jokes between them. They had to be more, hadn't they? "I..., you're not having sex with me because Sirius isn't interested?"

Her mouth gapes open. "What? No." The disgust returns to her features. "I mean, I love your brother, he's one of my best friends, but he is the sluttiest man on Earth. I'd only have to ask him, and he'd be dropping his pants in a second."

Unsure eyes look at her.

"Reggie," She says softly, her hands cupping his cheeks. "I like you, not just the sex, not just the kisses. You. I like you." His eyes shine with tears as he looks at her, looking for a hint of a lie.

"I just came inside a peach." Is all he can muster out after a moment of silence. Her laughter erupts in his ears.

"Yeah, you did." She finally says in between giggles. "It was sexy." More laughter leaves her, and he smiles, unable to stop himself from how happy she sounds.

"It was?"

"Yeah," She finally breathes. "It made you taste sweet." Her fingers dance on his thigh, making their way up his stomach. She caresses where the juices from the peach fell, where she had been kissing him moments ago.

"Oh..."

"Oh indeed." She looks at him with a rueful smile. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

"I know." His hand grabs her, stopping her caresses, and he brings it to his mouth, placing a kiss on her palm.

"You know, normally, when someone confesses their feeling for you is polite to let them know if you feel the same way or not." She says, her voice tentative.

His eyes widen, and he looks up at her, her hand still over his lips. "I like you, yes, of course, I do." His rushed words make her smile. "I'm sorry, I'm not good at feelings."

Her other hand reaches his cheek. "It's okay. We'll learn; together. I just need you to talk to me, please." His hand cups the one on his cheek. "I knew something was weird this past week, but you didn't talk to me."

"I know. I'm sorry. I tend to get in my head and not talk with people when I think something is wrong."

"Just promise you'll talk to me next time, no matter what it is." Her sad eyes are all he needs to kiss her.

"I promise." He breathes once they break apart. His hands make their way from her cheeks to her waist. "I'm sorry." Is all he whispers while he lays her down, their lips locked.

"Reggie." She breaks the kiss as her head hits the mattress. "I'd love to, but I came up here to tell you dinner is ready, and you need to come down." His forehead touches hers.

"You were the one that started blowing me."

"Oops?" His stern eyes look into hers, making her giggle. "We can do whatever you want after dinner, I promise."

"You'll finish what you started?"

"Only if you do the peach thing again." He groans, his head going back and then falling on her shoulder.

"You're never going to let me forget that, are you?"

"Nope." She over-exaggerates the pop sound and softly pushes him off her. "Come on, put your shirt on. I don't want your parents sending anyone to check on us."

Reaching the bottom of the stairs and walking past the archway, they walk into the dining room, where everyone is waiting for them.

"Look who finally decided to join us." Leon's words are accentuated by his french accent.

"Sorry." Regulus quickly apologises, sitting down on one of the free chairs. He reaches for his glass of water as a house elve starts pilling food on his plate.

"Is everything okay?" Orion asks as he sips his wine.

"Yeah, you guys took so long to come downstairs." Sirius pipes up.

"All is peachy." Her cheery voice makes Regulus choke on his sip of water. Eyes look at him as he tries not to cough out a lung. "He fell asleep, took me a bit to get him up."

"Oh, you're still cranky when you wake up, Reg." Manon's teasing voice says.

"Yes, I guess." His cheeks are red as he prays nobody has realized the actual situation. Regulus' eyes have a glint in them, one that she recognises. She grins at him, fully knowing she's in for a lot tonight.

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lacrimosathedark · 2 months

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THAT'S IT! This is a Janet Drake Defense Post

As may be obvious, I spend a lot of time reading fanfic. And there's this trend that drives me nuts, and it's villainizing Janet Drake.

I'm not gonna say she's an A+ mother. She's not. She chose her career and adventures over spending time with her child much of the time. But fandom portrays her as some rich pompous ice queen, which is never shown.

Janet Drake mostly appears in the story Tim's introduced, and in the story she dies.

So, let's start from the top: Haly's Circus.

This event is the only time we see her really interacting with Tim before her death, but it shows that at least when he was young, she was an active part of his life. She was worried about bringing Tim because it might scare him. And then rightfully scolds her husband for being sexist because Jack Drake actually IS a jerk.

...I don't like the art in this comic. Or that the writer doesn't know how kids speak.

But Janet is being supportive of Tim's clear interest in Dick's performance.

And then tragedy strikes and she acts like, y'know, a mother.

Her priority is getting her son and herself out of there.

Also worth noting that the Drakes sent a copy of that final photo of the Graysons TO Dick, which is how he has it at all. If both of them were stuck up pricks, would they even bother sending a photo to a grieving child performer they hardly know? I can't imagine Jack really bothering, but I don't see why Janet wouldn't.

And then, by the time she's dying, we know that Tim's parents have been away for a very long time, he never knows where they are, but they've communicated enough that he knows that they've been fighting.

They're passive aggressive to say the least. This marriage is clearly not working anymore.

EDIT CUZ I REMEMBERED A THING:

It's worth noting that this is a time before smartphones. This comic was released in 1990, which was when pre-paid mobile phones had just started existing. Coverage isn't universal NOW, so back then it was even less, and Jack and Janet are archeologists (or archeologist adjacent?) so they're going to be in less developed and populated areas most of the time. It's unlikely they'd have consistent access to a functional phone that could call the states to talk to Tim regularly.

This isn't to defend their absence, because fuck that, but it's to give it some context. I don't think they were trying to ignore or abandon Tim. Communication was just not readily available and Janet seems to get wrapped up in work...and Jack's an asshole.

Also for note, Janet is probably the one sending Tim postcards in the first place. It being signed "Mom and Dad" is what makes me think that. Jack would have put himself first if he wrote it, it woulda said "Dad and Mom". That's admittedly pure speculation, BUT IT FITS SOOOOOO

My thought is if this were made modern, Janet would be sending extremely scattered texts and Tim would get next to nothing from Jack unless Janet prompted him.

END EDIT

(Fair warning, this story is a few levels of Yikes, but I'm gonna stay on topic)

Bad guy Obeah Man does...something? to the pilot, and they crash, and he has a group of people kidnap the Drakes and their assistant Jeremy.

Danger really puts some things in perspective, for Janet, at least. And that continues for her. Jack is a bit delusional and in denial, thinking he has any control of the situation.

They are tied up and filmed for ransom, their assistant killed right in front of them.

Jack just keeps raging, but Janet is having regrets. Notice how she doesn't cry until Tim is brought up. Could be nothing, could be something.

And then she dies.

Her only other major appearance is when Tim is having a fever dream from the Clench and everything is kind of okay for a minute.

Tim very clearly loves his mom. And we may not get a lot of characterization for her, but she's not cold or callous like people write her constantly.

And now, we finally have a little more about her as of Batman 134.

I haven't really been keeping up since the Gotham War stuff because What The Fuck Was That My Guy, but I recently saw this specific comic.

The multiverse is fucked up again, some way some how, and Bruce is lost (again) and Tim has to get him back (again). This time, Tim is going in after him. But he doesn't end up going straight to Bruce.

He goes to see an alt of his mom.

Tim missed her so much that he ended up going to her before Bruce.

And her immediate reaction is to run up and hug him. Does that look like a mother who doesn't love her son?

"Do you have anyone to take care of you?"

"I don't know how this happened, this miracle...but I just know, in my heart of hearts, it was to show me...that every version of my son is a good one."

Tell me again that this woman is heartless and didn't want her son, I fucking dare you.

And we get more meaning to the name "Robin" and a little crumb about Tim's grandmother. As a treat.

This is all to say, please stop writing Janet Drake as a cold, heartless bitch.

Small final note though: Jack Drake is, in fact, a shitty person and a shitty father. He does still love Tim and Tim loves him AND THAT IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE, but the relationship is a mess. If either parent is actively abusive, it's 1000% Jack "smashed a TV because my son wasn't listening to me and threatened Bruce Wayne at gunpoint" Drake. Probably part of why the marriage was falling apart.

Anyway, yeah, let's retire the "Jack and Janet Drake are Bad Parents" tag and replace it with "Jack Drake is a Bad Parent" and "Janet Drake's C+ Parenting" or something.

#DC Comics #Detective Comics #Batman #Robin #Janet Drake #Tim Drake

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doggone-devil · 2 months

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How (Not) to Summon a Demon: Chapter 3

So this one is a bit longer than I meant it to go, and I still had more to write. But to keep it from getting too long, I'm cutting it here and will continue in Chapter 4. This is going to be a bit of a slow build story, but hopefully not too long. I'm aiming for at least 10 chapters.

Pairing: Alastor x fem!Reader

Warnings: profanity, light threatening?

Normal people woke up from nightmares and were able to laugh them off as they start to recede to the back of their minds, forgotten within the hour as they go about their day. You, on the other hand, had your nightmare staring at you with a giant smile spread across their face.

Sitting on your bed, your knees drawn close to you for safety, you watch the demon currently standing in your room with wide, cautious eyes. He didn’t seem phased one bit, tilting his head every so slightly when you jumped, seeming amused at your reactions. It was starting to piss you off but fear held strong, keeping you from moving any closer to him.

“So,” you finally speak, jumping again when he straightens up to attention. “What do I have to do to make you leave?” It’s a reasonable question, you think, but the demon seems to be annoyed as his brows draw together. The smile stays and it creeps you out.

“My dear, I can not leave once our contract is fulfilled,” he explains, closing his eyes. “You see, when you summoned me, an agreement was formed. One that can not be unbroken by any means.” He opens his eyes, the red orbs staring straight through you, bringing a chill up your spine. “I grant you one wish, a desire that you so desperately want, and in return, I claim your soul for all eternity.”

“My soul,” you repeat. He nods. “For eternity.” Another nod. “Yeah, not gonna happen.”

“What?” His smile seems to falter every so slightly, twitching as you see blackened gums peek out.

“Not gonna happen. One wish for my soul? Doesn’t matter what I want, whatever it is can’t be worth my soul.” You scoot back on the bed when the demon suddenly takes a step forward. He doesn’t stop until he’s at the edge of your bed, power radiating off him in waves. It’s making you nauseous and dizzy.

“I don’t think you quite understand the predicament you’re in, darling,” he growls the last word, his voice deep and laced with harsh static. “If you don’t make a wish, I can’t leave.”

“Ok, then we’re at an impasse. Because I don’t want to lose my soul.”

“I -“ he pauses, taking a deep breath before regaining his composure. The smile is back to being stretched wide, pointy teeth almost like a threat towards you. “Surely there is something in this world you desire more than your soul. Fame? Fortune? Good health?”

You deadpan at him. “I don’t want to be famous, I can gain money on my own, and I can be healthy on my own.” You’re starting to relax every so slightly. The more this demon talks, the less you feel scared of him. His movements and actions are too human, even if his appearance isn’t, and in some twisted way that’s making your interaction with him feel normal.

“Look,” you start to say, turning to sit on the edge of your bed, “the only wish I’d wish for is that you leave and go back to wherever it is you came from. Yet even for that, I’m not selling my soul over so get comfy demon boy. You’re stuck here.” You stand and start to leave your room, but he grabs your wrist, twisting hard to make you face him. You wince at the pain that shoots up your arm.

“You know,” he glances down at you, smile turning sinister and dark, “perhaps your friend from earlier could help persuade you into making a wish.” Your eyes widen before anger takes hold.

“You wouldn’t,” you whisper. His smile growls, eyes forming into dials.

“Try me, darling.” It’s not a threat, but a warning. A promise. You know it, can feel it in your core. He’s not playing around. Tears start to form and you try to blink them away.

“I-I don’t want to give up my soul,” you sob out, knees giving out as you fall to the floor. He’s still holding your wrist, your arm dangling in his grip. All those horror movies you’ve watched in your life are flooding through to your thoughts, scenes of damned souls, of eternal fire burning away flesh in Hell. Demonic entities prodding and poking with sharp objects, torturing endlessly without mercy. Your breath quickens, your chest pounding as you begin to cough.

“Now, now, no need to panic,” the demon says softly. Shocked, you watch him kneel down to your level, pulling a handkerchief from inside his coat. He lets go of your wrist and begins to dab your cheeks, drying off the tears that have spilt over. It’s…surprisingly gentle. He speaks up again, “Would it help if I explain things a little better?” You nod weakly, your head too torn from reality at the moment to form coherent words. Your still trying to grasp the concept that, yes, demons exist and, yes, there is a Hell. This means Heaven is real, angels, and even God. Oh God. That last fact almost sends you spiraling again, your legs wobbling when you feel him lift you off the floor.

You’re back on your bed, your shoulders hunched as you stare at the floor. God is real. You weren’t really a believe, never have been. An atheist, firm in science and facts, but now God has become one. Because if this thing before you is truly a demon, then it came from Hell which has a ruler, Satan. Who did Satan come from? God. You’re so fucked.

“Darling?” You snap up, the demon’s words finally registering. “It’s rude not to listen when people are speaking to you.”

“Sorry,” you automatically apologize. It gets a quick chuckle from the demon.

“You are becoming a strange creature, mortal. Nevertheless, I told you I’d explain things better and that is just what I’m going to do. Now, where to begin? Ah, yes!” He starts to explain the mechanics of Hell, of sinners and overlords. He even tells you about the devil, Lucifer, and his daughter, Charlie. This leads down a path of him telling you about some hotel for redemption, a silly idea if you ask him, truly humorous. Next, he explains how, yes, there is a heaven and tells you what little he knows about angels. You’re starting to realize that Hell isn’t all that different from Earth, just filled with bad people instead.

You feel reality come back down for you as you take in this new information. The world doesn’t seem so off balance anymore, and from what you could tell, it seems your past actions were leading you to be a sinner anyways. While you weren’t exactly hell spawn from birth, you weren’t miss goody-two-shoes either. You’re pretty sure you’ve done a lot of things the Bible strictly says not to.

“So, wait, when I die, I might just ‘pop’ into existence there like I never died in the first place?”

“Oh no, you’ll fall. Hurts like Hell,” the demon corrects, laughing at a bit at his own pun. You roll your eyes, spotting closer to him. You don’t know when it happened, but you’re sitting criss-crossed on your bed facing the demon who mirrors you. His head is in his palms, elbows propped on his knees. You feel like you’re in high school all over again, gossiping the latest news. It’s weird.

“Will I have like horns, a tail, and leathery wings?” You nearly snort when Alastor mimicking your eye rolling.

“Do you see any of those on me?” he asks and you study his features. His hair is bright red with black tipped ends. Two tufts of, hair? Ears? You’re not sure what they are but they twitch every so often. You notice he does have horns but they’re kind of like antlers, like a - you gasp.

“Are you a deer?” you ask, eyes lighting up. You unconsciously lean forward, making the demon lean back.

“Regrettably.” He quirks a brow at you and you apologize, moving out of his bubble. Geez, what is wrong with you? This is becoming too normal, too fast. You still haven’t even gotten to the soul owning part.

“Ok, then, I have to know. If - and I’m saying a big if here - I wish for something and you take my soul, what happens?”

“When you make a wish,” he states with confidence, making you frown, “I will own your soul. Simple as that.”

“But what you do mean by own? I disappear and become a ghost in a jar? Are there puppet strings you attach to me and move me how you want? You gotta give me details here, man.”

“Nothing like that, my dear. You would be free to live your afterlife however you want, but you would be mine. You would be at my beck and call whenever I shall need you.”

“Oh.” You feel surprisingly ok with that and you don’t know if that should scare you or not. You shrug, however, standing up once more. “Well, I hate to disappoint you again, demon boy, but even if I make the wish, I have no idea what to wish for.” You actually make it out of your bedroom this time, walking to your kitchen. Afternoon light floods in from the windows, the morning gone as noon rolls through. You feel hungry with everything that’s happened so far and open your fridge to scavenge for sustenance.

“How about a new house?” the demon asks as he trails behind you, standing next to you while you rummage the shelves of the fridge. “Surely you want something bigger?”

You stand, holding a loaf of bread and a jar of mayonnaise. “Nope!” You shut the fridge and walk to a clear counter, setting down the ingredients for your poor-man’s sandwich. “I happen to like this dainty apartment, thank you.”

“Then how about a brand new vehicle? I’m sure any woman would be thrilled to have a cherry red Cord in their driveway!”

“Wrong again, Mr. Demon Boy. My yellow Volks gets me where I need to be just fine.” You bite your lip to keep from laughing, seeing the demon obviously getting upset next to you. His ears, as you’ve come to think of them, have laid backwards against his head. His eyes glare at you as you spread the mayo on the bread.

“My name is not ‘demon boy’.” He straightens his bow tie and wipes his coat. “The name’s Alastor, a pleasure to be meeting you!” Now you laugh.

“A bit late for introductions, ain’t it?”

Alastor looks offended. “Would have happened earlier had someone not fainted when meeting me.” You frown.

“I didn’t faint, I just…needed to rest a bit. It’s not like I’m used to having a literal demon appear in my apartment!” You angrily slam the lip back on the jar, returning the bread and condiment to the fridge. Alastor has to side step to keep from being barreled through by you.

You grab your sandwich, looking at him. Before you take a bite, you state your name. He repeats it and the way it rolls of his tongue should not be causing your cheeks to redden, if only a tiny bit. You blame the sunlight you feel coming from the kitchen window.

“I could give you anything in the entire world and yet you want nothing?” Alastor asks again with a defeated sigh. You nod, continuing to eat your sandwich. A thought then crosses your mind and you swallow.

“Actually, I got the perfect idea! How about I just wish for whatever my roommate wants?” Alastor shakes his head. “Why not?”

“The contract states it must be a wish granting your one desire. No one else’s. It’s your soul I’m claiming, after all, not your roommate’s.”

“That’s just dumb,” you remark, finishing your food. You huff and cross your arms. “I’m gonna need time.”

“Time for what?”

“To think of a wish, duh! If it’s gonna be worth my soul, then it’s gotta be big. I’m not wasting it on just any old wish.”

“How much time are we talking about here?” Alastor asks. His tense smile tells you he’s not liking the outcome of this situation. Tough luck. You’re playing by your rules now.

“I don’t know. It’s indefinite until I can think of something.” You shove off the counter you’re leaning against, walking to the living room. Alastor is right behind you.

“That’s not going to work for me, my dear,” he states. You turn around and have to stop to keep from bumping into his chest. You lift your head to stare at him.

“It’s going to have to, deer,” you grin. “You’re stuck with me until I make a wish, like or not.”

“I’m home!”

“Veronica!” You shout and suddenly, Alastor is on his ass behind the couch, your arms outstretched as you look at your roommate in panic. She’s eyeing you and the couch before she slowly shuts the door.

“Ok, as much as I know you want to pretend you didn’t just have someone standing there, I’m gonna need to know who it is you just unceremoniously pushed behind the couch,” Veronica says, shifting her weight to one leg as she places a hand on her hip. She’s full mom mode now, no use lying, but how were you going to explain a literal demon to her? Sure, it was her idea in the first place, but even she knew deep down it wasn’t real!

“Uh, I, well you see.” You’re fumbling with your words, trying desperately as you glance a look towards Alastor. The demon is glaring up at you like you just stepped on his new puppy, huffing a strand of loose hair from his face. You look back to Veronica who’s walking over to you. “Wait!” You move to stop her but it’s too late, she’s leaning over the back of the couch. You wait for the scream, to watch her flee out the door screaming bloody murder, but she doesn’t. She just looks at you like you’re an absolute idiot.

“I’m offended, I really am,” she says. “You attempted to hide this stud? Unbelievable.”

“Huh!?” You nearly break your back trying to climb over and look at Alastor. He’s suddenly human looking, the red hair and horns gone, replaced with short brown hair that’s gelled upward. His skin isn’t ashy pale but caramel, red eyes now brown still glaring up at you.

“Forgive this one, she’s a bit mental,” Veronica apologizes, talking now to Alastor.

“Not a problem, my dear. Not the first time a woman has shoved me down, I assure.” Alastor smiles with a wink, making Veronica giggle and you feel like you’ve stepped into the Twilight Zone.

“Alastor, can I talk to you? Privately?” You grab his hand once he stands up, tugging it towards your bedroom. Alastor turns to Veronica as you drag him.

“Pleasure meeting you, dear, if you’ll excuse us!”

“Sure,” Veronica mumbled, watching you drag one of the most attractive men she’s even seen into your bedroom. As the door slams shut, she just shakes her head, whispering, “You go girl.”

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quackarl · 7 months

Text

YOU BELONG WITH ME; QUACKITY X READER (STRANGERS TO FRIENDS TO LOVERS, SLOW BURN.)

A/N: Hiii! I did not realize how hard it is for me to write about friends to lovers until I was writing this. I think I'm better at established relationship stuff, hahaha. But there was an interesting request in my inbox if I could write a Quackity X Reader piece, where the reader is hired by Quackity to edit his videos and Spanish subtitles and such, and proceeds to fall for him somewhere along the way. So, I did that, with a few twists of my own imagination. Be aware, that this story includes usage of alcohol. And it's painfully slow burn at times, hahaha, but that's the beauty of it sometimes.

I can’t remember a time in my life when I have felt more hopeless. Looking for a job really sucks, actually many things suck and I hate how life seems to pass me by, almost even faster when I feel like running out time, almost as if to tempt me to keep count of all the time I waste. Time flies when your life is falling apart, isn’t that what they say?

I wish it was few days ago when this started, this desperate job-hunt, but it’s been so long now. I need something, and fast.

I see my phone light up, the only source of light in the dark room. I see it’s already 11 PM, which means I have wasted another night staying up thinking about my future and where do I fit, if anywhere. Great.

Besides that, what captures my attention next is that it’s my friend texting me, and they’re not here to chit-chat about the usual stuff we talk about every night, but telling me they have a perfect plan for me that’s worth a shot. I wonder how that’s possible, at 11 on a Monday night, and how do they know it any better than me what’s right for me? We both know that’s a lie, though, they know things about me before I even know them myself.

I demand to know more about this plan. I’ll try anything, that’s for sure. Anything to get my foot in the door in this world, you know? The next thing they send me is a mysterious link. I click on it and see it taking me to an application form. For what exactly?

I let out a frustrated puff once I read the first line;

“We are hiring! Apply here for the position of ‘Video Editor’ and ‘Translator’ for Quackity!”

Ridiculous. I already feel defeated, rejected, because how would I have a chance, out of everybody else applying? What makes me special? That’s probably one of the questions on the application and I don’t see myself writing anything worth reading over in it.

I text my friend promptly, my will to fight suddenly vanishing into thin air, telling them exactly what I think of this idea, that it’s far-fetched and I’m not going along with it. Still, curiosity, or whatever, is kind of getting the best of me, I can’t lie, as I eye the open application.

My friend texts me back, full of persistence;

“And why not? You studied editing and you’re good at it AND you speak Spanish which is what they’re looking for. You’re the whole package?! Tell me I’m wrong, you can’t.” 11:06 PM

Well, I can’t argue on that. It’s my power that I did happen to take editing courses, and Spanish courses too, for reasons I wasn’t sure about back then, but now it could all make sense.

I confess to my friend that I’m actually considering filling out the form, but I feel stuck. I don’t know what I would answer to certain questions such as why should they hire me, or what makes me, well, me. I don’t know.

I mentally hit a dead-end as soon as I got to the question of what makes me unique and stand out from the other candidates. I wrote out my first, honest thoughts, and everything the perfect version of me in the perfect world would think or say, if I only was more brave and less insecure. I wrote, a lot of stuff. If I say so myself, it was a good application in the end, with a little humour.

The scary part was to scroll down the page, hit the blue ‘submit’ button, and watch text appear on the screen;

“Thanks for your application and your interest towards working with us! We will be in contact as soon as possible as the recruitment process will proceed!”

I think I just jumped out of my skin. I want to cringe at the thought of them reading over my application. Can I just not be me for a second, while I try to get over this?

I text my friend the last thing for the night, before deciding I need to sleep this shame off, and maybe tomorrow it all doesn’t matter, and we move on;

“Guess what? I just sent the application. I hope you’re happy now.” 11:25 PM

I watch their text pop up;

“I am! You’ll be too when they hire you, trust me!” 11:26 PM

Sure, I think, almost wanting to roll my eyes. I appreciate the enthusiasm my friend has for my future when I don’t have any, but I mean, like I said before, this is an insane attempt. I drift to sleep soon after. A total shocker that I was able to even sleep a wink that night. What have I done and what am I doing to myself?

The more time went by, the more all of this felt like a joke I always knew it was. It’s been a week now since I sent the application, and everything almost feels too normal for anything life-changing to happen anytime soon.

Well, it wasn’t until I checked my email on a Wednesday morning when things started to feel somewhat real and moving again. I had something there waiting for me. An email regarding my application. I imagined it to be a nicely worded rejection, something along the lines of “We would like to thank you for your interest in us and the position you have applied for. Unfortunately, at this point, you are not being considered for this role, blah blah blah.”

I suddenly felt like I was in fact not fine at all, when I started reading through it;

“Welcome to our team! We were impressed by your application and would love to proceed further with you! Please reply to this email as soon as possible if you are still available and interested in this position.”

What do I do?! I will reply, tell them I’m still interested, right? That I’m ready for things to proceed. Am I? How, or why, am I the lucky one here? I’m not used to claiming first place, I’m usually just a runner-up. But here begins my winning streak, I guess.

I type a response with shaky hands, then put my phone down. I don’t think I’m actually ready for things to move any faster than I can take, and it’s already feeling like a lot right now, like I’m biting off more than I can chew. But if they see enough potential in me, it’s all in my head.

Safe to say that it startled me when not even a few minutes later I received a follow-up email, asking me a few more questions, to which I replied to to the best of my ability. Questions such as am I certain I can commit to such schedule in a long run. It was sinking in for me as I was typing, that this really is a one hell of an opportunity that they are offering me, and I need to be the best. There’s no other option.

The next email they sent, it meant all business;

“We are thrilled to hear you are ready to work with us! Would you be free for a call tomorrow at 8 PM?”

Okay, straight to the point. I tell them I’m free and ready.

Except that I didn’t feel so ready anymore when I received one last email;

“Great! We will have Alex call you tomorrow.”

Yeah, I’m absolutely sweating bullets now. I stayed up much later than I had intended that night, mostly thinking about how fast things are happening now, and if I have started something here I can’t end. I typed his name countless times into the internet to see more of him, but it feels like the more I know, the less capable I am of dreaming of the possibilities of what will happen. So I just went to bed.

The next day arrived faster than I hoped it would. Can I really do this? Am I ready? So many questions and not enough time to figure out the answers. Quite literally, because I lingered in bed the whole day and hurriedly had to jump into my clothes when I eventually got myself up.

It was 7.50 PM when I sat myself down at my desk, ready to take on whatever was coming. Even if it knocks me down once, I will get up twice. No matter what it takes. It didn’t help my nerves when I kept checking and re-checking the time on my phone. Now I just want to get over with it, so I can finally have some peace of mind and not live in the distress for a minute longer.

Then it was finally 8 PM, sharp. This is a waiting game, I guess. A matter of minutes.

When the phone finally rang, it was 10 minutes later. The longest 10 minutes of my life, by the way. I’m surprised I didn’t curl up and die within those 10 minutes, that’s what it felt like.

I give myself a few second pep-talk, clearing my throat, before picking up as nonchalant as I could, acting like I haven’t been sitting and waiting here shaking like a leaf, thinking about if death was more painless, “hi there!”

I mentally cringe at myself for sounding a little too excited and loud, but Alex didn’t seem to mind as he speaks back to me, “hi! Hello. How are you?”

“I’m good, yeah! Nervous, actually, if you can’t tell yet. You?” I’m already starting to crumble and my voice is wavering as I realise that I’m just… me, and he is he. Even as strangers, he’s way out of my league. He is known, adored, watched by millions of people, I am not. I’m average, boring, some would even say. I don’t blame them. So, remind me how am I, out of everyone, here, in this situation?

I hear him smile into the phone, “don’t be. I’m good, fuckin’ amazing, to answer your question. And just overall, you know…,” he trails off, before taking a sharp breath, “anyway, I guess I’m just here to sort of do a vibe check. I mean, I can tell you’re cool, so there should be no problems there, but—talk to me, about anything. I would appreciate it, though if it was related to the job, but don’t fret too much, okay?”

I now smile to myself too and at the fact that he, first of all, is here trying his best not to overwhelm me, and that he keeps cussing as if he doesn’t care this is technically a business call. I could loosen up a bit too in my own ways.

“Well, I—first of all, thanks for doing this. I’m really excited about this opportunity,” I ramble until I realize how I’m getting a bit sidetracked here from the question, thankfully he doesn’t point it out, but instead encourages me to keep going, so I did, this time right on subject. I tell him what I can, about myself and my studies that I worked hard for and that would benefit me in succeeding in this job position. He listens every word, throwing in some comments and pleased sounds, as to approve what he’s hearing.

“Wow, yeah, that’s fuckin’ impressive, you should be proud. Not everyone can do it, you know? Like that’s some tough shit if you want to be any good, so I definitely respect what you got goin’ on.”

Why am I now spiraling? Maybe because I can’t recall the last time someone bothered to compliment me on this so thoroughly, and out of all the people possible, it has to be him. I didn’t expect it to actually rob me of words like this.

“Thanks,” I eventually stutter, “didn’t think I was going to hear that, especially from you. It means a lot.”

“Of course, I’m glad it means a lot. I really mean it.”

This is definitely not the kind of vibe I had prepared myself for. I feel like we are already…. bonding? Just a little bit. I feel it more as we keep talking, and one conversation turns into another and then another. I learn something, that he undeniably has a great sense of humour, very witty and likes to laugh, but can also be serious when needed, talk sense into anybody and be the voice of reason. I think it was at least for a good hour that we just exchanged words and stories, and laughed a lot too, of course. I even come out of my shell and tell him jokes, that makes him laugh in turn.

Before we could get any more in depth, he mutters through a yawn, “I’m genuinely excited to have you, it’s gonna be so fuckin’ great. So, welcome to the Team Quackity—no one says that, I just made that up, I just lied to you—but, I really think you’re gonna do amazing. I think I’m going to put my little best foot forward and head to bed at a decent time, for once. My feet are not little though, like I’m not a fuckin’ gnome or anything.“

We both laugh. It is getting somewhat late and our brains are getting to the stage of tiredness when everything said is suddenly funny. It’s very reassuring to see this human side of him, that he is so easy to talk to and that maybe I was anxious for nothing, and felt the pressure to appear so interesting for nothing, because he made me feel interesting so effortlessly.

And I guess I’m in now, I got the job, judging by his words, that he is excited to have me around in the future. It’s going to take a while to get used to this. Maybe I ever won’t, so he’ll always keep me on my toes.

”I’ll see—or talk to you soon, I think,” I tell him.

He doesn’t bother correcting me or himself, “yeah, I’ll see you soon, very soon probably.”

After that all I heard was rustling from his end and a small noise indicating he was getting tired, so we both know it’s time to wrap things up here. Until next time. It made me want to squirm to know there will be a next time.

I still don’t know how I managed to fall asleep that night with a mind running a thousand miles an hour, but I did, eventually.

It didn’t take many days at all before I already had something waiting for me in my inbox, some work to do. This is what he must have meant by seeing me very soon.

And so the first day of work and then a whole week of work was over in a blink of an eye, and I found myself busy trying to juggle everything. Doing my best was the best I could do, as I spent my days taking everything in and making this my new normal. Speaking of, it will take a while for any of this to feel normal.

I got to put my rusty Spanish skills to use, I even surprised myself with how easy I suddenly found the language I struggled with at a certain point in my life. I guess all it really takes is finding the right thing.

As to what comes to Alex, I barely hear from him. Mostly because this is strictly business, and when we do talk, it’s about work, and even then he keeps it very short. I understand, he’s busy, I’m not his only priority. The one-on-one talk I got to have with him on the phone that one night, when he was supposed to interview me but we ended up talking about anything else, that was one time and definitely won’t be something that happens frequently. Things have changed since then. There has to be some boundaries set of what is appropriate, because after all, I just work for him and not playing any role of a friend.

So, it’s been very independent, lonely at times, doing this job and I don’t know how or who to talk to about it. New job blues, it must be. Whatever it is, I don’t like it.

I was startled out of my sleep to my phone obnoxiously ringing. Well, it was obnoxious at first to be woken up like that, until I realised there aren’t many people who would call me this early in the morning.

I make grabby hands for it, until I find it in the midst of the covers, and to my horror see Alex’s name on the screen. It was still there no matter how many times I tried to blink the sleep out of my eyes, confirming I’m not dreaming. This could be pretty much about anything, which scares me. It’s very unlikely for him to call me anymore just to chit-chat about nothing in particular. There has to be something else.

I hesitantly pick up, “hello?”

“Hi! I just wanted to… you know, check in, ask how’s it going?” he sounds way too happy for there to be to bad news. Whew.

I tell him it’s going good and hear the smile in his voice as he seems to be satisfied with my brief answer, “good, I’m glad. I know it might be a shit show at first, like everything’s new, you feel like you’re alone in it—all of that, but you’re not, okay? Like, I really do appreciate the hell out of you and what you’ve done so far. It’s been really great to see it!”

“Thanks. That’s actually what I needed to hear. It’s been a lot of…. change for me,” I feel like I’m flustered like a fool right now, good thing he can’t see it because I must look crazy. I wish I knew better words to express my gratitude for him right now, because it’s exactly what I wanted to hear, especially after feeling low, but I never thought he’d actually say it. Especially not right now on this specific, beautiful morning when I’m still half asleep and oblivious to the world.

“I’m sorry if I haven’t really been there to show my appreciation more, but I’m genuinely just so fuckin’ busy, or if I’m not busy I’m sleeping or some shit, because as great as I am, I still do need my little beauty sleeps. But, if there’s anything I can do for you, just—you will let me know, right?”

I don’t know where this is coming from and what is causing him to talk to me in such confidence and care. All I know is that I suddenly don’t feel as alone as I did not too long ago.

“Sure. I’m really glad you told me that. Takes a bit of a weight off my shoulders.”

“Of course,” he emphasizes, “I’m glad we’re on the same page. So, what are you doing right now?”

I’m surprised at his attempt to keep talking to me instead of hurrying to go on with his day, like he usually does. I rack my brain for something sensible, if there’s a right answer to his question, “uh—is this a trick question? Is there something I forgot to do?”

He laughs, “no, no, I swear! So, you’re not up bright and early, not a morning person?”

“Who is?” I chuckle and fight off a yawn.

He groanes as if stretching himself to prove his point, “fair. So, you’re not doing anything? You’re free to—I don’t know—have a little chat?”

Is there something he hopes to discuss, since he keeps hanging on the line? I don’t know for the life of me what that would or could be, or maybe I’m wrong and mean and paranoid and he is just kind enough to call me and initiate conversation after not hearing from me in a while.

“Yeah, sure. Anything in particular you want to talk about?”

“No. Just anything, like fuckin’… why Spanish? Why did you learnt Spanish in the first place? Why did you chose it?”

Great question. I smile to myself, “sounds like you had something to ask me all along.”

And so we fell into a conversation about it, about me deciding to learn Spanish in the first place, me telling him it was more of decision that I made one night when I was bored and couldn’t sleep and thought it was a such a godsent, brilliant idea. And so I applied for those classes that same night, I think I was half asleep and delirious, and the next morning I had to suck it up and face the consequences of my sleepy actions and attend those damn classes. It was surely tough at first, like everything new is, but eventually, with some hard work, I got the hang of it.

It was over 30 minutes later, when we finally said goodbyes and hung up and then it was silent again, except for his words now echoing in my head, and how he seemed to be very into learning more about me, like he eats, sleeps and breathes that new information.

Now that I sort of have his permission to rely on him if I need to, I want to make the most of it. I mean, possibly, if I ever need it, but on the flip side, I’m aware I’m not here to make friends or connections. We haven’t really even connected more than as people who work together so far, which I understand. Except for those few longer talks we’ve had on the phone, but I think since he’s so approachable, he probably talks like that with everyone. I don’t feel too special yet.

Things slowly made more sense and fell into place as it was that same cycle for the remaining of the week and the weeks after. I spent the days sitting at my desk, working. Time flied, for sure. The only thing that made me feel as if the days were dragging, was that I didn’t hear much from Alex. I actually didn’t hear from him at all, except for when I reached out to him concerning work, but other than that we didn’t really talk. I didn’t want to be the one to reach out to him for a casual chat, because it felt inappropriate, unprofessional even.

I definitely got crashed back to the harsh reality from whatever high I had been on when he used to have the time to talk to me. I understand it, but I did kind of crave some human interaction, some communication. Blame it on me and that I’m a people person and that maybe I find him interesting just a little bit.

I want to know how he is doing and kind of wanted to have him ask me how was I doing too. Well, I am buried in work, that’s how I’m doing. I sometimes too need something, or someone, to share the burden with. I wonder if I’ll always feel this way.

Something blaring disrupts my sleep and wakes me up. Whatever it is, it’s too loud for whatever time it is. It’s not my alarm, I acknowledge, but my ringtone. My phone. I recognize that sound.

It almost hurt to pry my weary eyes open so fast, but I still experience a deja-vu. This sort of feels all too familiar, doesn’t it? Who’s calling me this early? It’s 9 AM on a... Saturday!? I completely forgot it‘s the weekend. That’s what intense work hours does to a human.

“Hello?” I didn’t even try to conceal the sleep in my voice.

“Well, hello to you too,” my oh-so-dear-friend speaks on the line. Right now I feel like I could tell them off, but to be fair, we haven’t talked in a long while. I just realised how long it’s been since I have heard their voice now that I’m hearing it.

I groan groggily, “hi, hello. Cut the chit-chat and tell me why you woke me up.”

I pull the phone away to check the time again on the screen, if I had read it correctly. Yep, 9.01 AM on a Saturday morning. No one should be awake at this hour, especially not me.

“I was finally able to sleep in today, you knew this,” I keep whining.

My friend just laughs like this is all a joke, “or you could come and have breakfast with me, just like the old times. I work too, so don’t tired-shame me! I love sleep as much as you do, but it’s not every weekend we can do this anymore. You barely even talk to me these days.”

I sigh again, now out of pity, because as tired as I am, they’re right. We really don’t even talk as much as we used to do when we were not busy with work and well, adulting. Life. Ugh.

“Fine,” I eventually agree to it, “you got me. I’ll see you soon then, I guess.”

My friend squeals, “you really gave in already, this easily? I’ll see you soon!”

I stretch my tired body that feels like it isn’t ready to get up just yet. I need a minute, or two, or ten to wake up and I probably have like 30 minutes to an hour to get ready. Definitely enough, even if I stall in bed for a bit longer. And that’s what I’m planning on doing.

I cry out when my phone rings again not even a few minutes later. There’s no way my friend is on their way already. Or maybe something came up and they are telling me I can go back to sleep. Am I an awful person for wishing that? I had a change of attitude when I saw who was calling me.

“Hello?”

“Hey! Long time no see, or talk,” he speaks. It’s Alex.

Why is he calling me now? I’m suddenly feeling way more awake than I did just seconds ago. Yeah, screw sleep. What does he want?

“Yeah,” I laugh nervously, “what’s up?”

“So, something needs to be up for me to call you? I can’t just call you?” he speaks before breaking into laughter, “I’m just fuckin’ around, I’m kidding! Anyway, speaking of that seeing, how—what would you say if I asked if you want to pop a visit to my place? I’d love to see you in person, you know, and I’m in town, I have like no shit to do for once, I’m a free fuckin’ man. If I was you, I’d take advantage of that, but you do you, I guess.”

This is not what I expected in a million years. Even if his house was the only house in this world, I still wouldn’t expect access there. I mean, I’m flattered as hell, but why? I’m sure he has other friends he would rather see—and we’re not even friends, actually.

I guess kindness comes in many forms. He doesn’t really owe me anything, especially letting me to see such a private part of his life like the place he calls home. Just because I’m now a part of his job, an acquaintance perhaps, doesn’t mean he has an obligation to let me see more of him. But, who am I to say no?

I hesitate, before finally uttering a response, “sure—I mean, if you’re sure, then yes. I’d like to, it’s not like I have anything to do.”

Except that I actually do have something to do. The breakfast.

Of course I don’t have the heart to correct myself, not when Alex sounds this excited, “great! So, I’ll be expecting you… let’s say in a few hours? Nothing too crazy. I want to—you know, I usually have a thing that I want to see as many people as I can who I’m working with to kind of, just to see them, makes sense, right? A vibe check, some would say.”

Finally he tells me he’ll text me the address later and there he goes, as the line goes dead and I’m left with my own thoughts. As terrified as I feel, I also do feel a little curious. What’s going to actually happen once I get there? Is this a build-up to something bigger? What will he think of me when I’m not just an ideal voice on the phone, but a real, existing person standing in front of him?

I call my friend and they immediately pick up, “there’s no way you’re already ready! I’m leaving in a few—”

“No!” I yap, “listen—this is an actual emergency, like Alex just called me and asked me to come over, like he actually wants to see me and I said yes, because I spoke before I could think, so here I am, thinking what the hell I have just done.”

“What? What are you talking about? Like right now? You have to go right now?”

“Like soon-ish, yeah, I mean—should I not? Am I actually going to go?”

“Of course you’re going! In what world would you not go?!”

“So—you’re okay with it?” I ask. I don’t care what anyone’s telling me right now, I still feel stubborn if this is the right thing to do. I mean, there’s a lot at stake here. I could like, say something stupid to him or get all tongue-tied.

My friend sighs loudly, “I’m saying this as kindly as I can, but shut up. You’re going! I’ll just see you another day! Just tell me how it goes then.”

We talked for a bit more, or more like, my friend talked and I halfheartedly listened. I feel completely unprepared for what is about to happen. Good luck to me. Luckiness is not my strong suit, but it has to be today.

I was finally walking to the bus stop when a drizzling rain started to fall, and it did when I got on and off the bus too. Before I was caught in a storm, I check the address on my phone, and then I’m on my way to my destination.

It was not more than 15 minutes when I had made it, and there it was. In front of me was a really nice apartment building. The dark, cloudy sky made it look even more majestic, as it stood tall and proud. As I walk along the concrete sidewalk, I maneuvered my way to the entrance and right up the few front steps.

I feel like I’m doing something I shouldn’t as I make my way inside. Thankfully, I don’t see anyone as I step into the well-lit lobby, because I was definitely a sight to see, a bit damp from the rain and looking around like I don’t know where I am.

My heart is still heavy in my chest and my ears in the elevator. I keep tapping my foot whenever I could keep myself still, which was nearly impossible. But I had some time to think; what do I actually do once I’m there? No idea.

I finally make it to the right door and then it’s now or never. Well, it’s not going to get any easier, so I guess I have to go for it. After I gather the courage to ring the doorbell, I hear the lock turn and see the knob twist, and there he is, in front of me.

He has a really nice, contagious smile that I’ve only seen on screen before, but I never saw just how it reaches his eyes, the dark and captivating eyes that reminds me of nice things in life, framed by his long lashes. He looks relaxed, his face a bit sleepy and his hair covered by a black beanie.

“Hey!” he smiles wide, looking like he can’t stay put in one place much longer either, “it’s so nice to see you! Come here!”

Before I have the time to say or do anything, he pulls me into a warm, welcoming hug. Definitely a good hugger too. His scent fills the air around me, which has a calming effect. The hug was warm like a sweater and a soft, pleased sigh escaped his lips.

“Hi,” I mumble against him, “it is. I didn’t know you’re a hug person. Noted.”

Alex just laughs, like it was everyday for him, “thanks for thinking I’m an asshole. What, should I just fuckin’… push you like the asshole I am?”

We laugh off any tension, if there ever was any to begin with. See, he’s really funny like that, which makes me think that maybe there won’t be any rough patches today and we will get along fine. When we pull apart, he takes his body heat away with him, and I feel a little chilly again from the rainfall. He steps aside in the doorway and with an excited grin, invites me in, “come on in!”

I give him a tight-lipped smile as I walk past him, “gladly, thanks.”

God, I need to stop being so formal and boring, and lighten up a little. My head is still hazy, I can’t remember the reason why I am here in the first place. Was there ever such thing? Guess I’ll find out soon.

He shows me around inside. What I saw in front of me, was a place that was really simple yet modern, very inviting indeed. Lots of tones of grey and white. There wasn’t any clutter in my sight, everything looked squeaky clean and organized. There was a corner that looked like his streaming set-up, that looked more messy than the rest of his place did.

“So, this is my place slash office, where I do work. Hence the name ‘office’,” he tells as he gestures me to take a look around. I laugh, and he seems satisfied at successfully amusing me, as he moves our attention to the living room.

I agape at how spotless it is wherever I look at. There’s no way he does this himself with a schedule like his, or if he does, it’s impressive.

“I’m a clean-fuckin’-person, okay! As you can see. Honestly, my life hack would be just not to do shit. If you don’t do anything, there won’t be a mess. See, it’s fuckin’ easy.”

We both snicker out loud again and he motions at the tiny kitchen, exclaiming, “this is where I cook! I bust my little ass in this little kitchen every day.”

“You do?” I ask, surprised. Shit, I didn’t mean to say that out loud, especially after what he said, so now it sounds kind of awkward, but it’s also kind of funny. I’m just surprised that he seems to be so good at everything.

He just chuckles, “yeah. I’ll show you someday. Only if you promise to pay attention to the food and not only to my ass, like get your priorities straight first.”

Oh God. Someday? I’m here for the long run? I’m just going to ignore the latter comment. I put my hands up in surrender, “I promise.”

As we laugh again, I wonder how he is truly, effortlessly funny, like a breath of fresh air. I’m sure I haven’t met someone like him before. Now it all clicks why he has such a wide audience from every corner of the world, it’s not hard to find his personality likeable at all. He wears his sense of humor like it’s his lucky charm and it works.

I follow him with my arms tightly tucked on my sides to the living room area, that’s kind of one with the kitchen, like a joint. I must look painfully awkward.

“And this,” Alex gestures, “is where I kick back and relax. Not too much time for that lately, I’ve been so fuckin’ busy with work.”

“Yeah, I don’t doubt it. I’m glad if I can make your life a little easier in that spectrum.”

He has a nice view of the bustling city from the window too, something I find hard to divert my gaze from, just to find myself staring right into his eyes when I did.

“You do!” he smiles widely, “that’s why I wanted to see you, actually, to kind of know even more about what you’re all about. You wanna sit down for a second? Can I interest you in a drink?” he pulls his best British accent for the question. Oh, so here’s the part when it gets real, him questioning me.

I agree and again follow his trail to the kitchen and watch as he pulls out a chair for me. He made it seem like it’s such a nonchalant thing to do, but it strangely made my face feel warm. He didn’t have to do that, but he did. I thank him and sit down.

“So, what would you like to have?” he speaks behind me.

I eye the kitchen, “honestly, whatever’s the easiest for you.”

I hear him hum and then he is gone. I watch as he walks around the kitchen, opening the fridge and the cupboards. I feel a bit creepy just following him with my eyes, so I sneakily pull my phone out of my pocket and see there’s a text from my friend. I should’ve known.

“What’s going on there? I’m dying to know!” 1:01 PM

I kind of did promise them that I would text them as soon as things progressed or happened, which they really haven’t so far. I’m just kind of lost in the moment right now, taking it all in.

I mentally shake my head and fight a smile, texting them back that I promise and vow to tell everything later, except that not much has happened yet. We haven’t exactly gotten to the point here, whatever it is.

There’s one thing I can’t deny so far and could talk about forever, which is that he’s really fun to be around. He’s one of those people who can immediately light up a room with his energy, which is what he probably does every time he’s with people. I suddenly feel small in his world. Sure, I’m here right now, sitting in his house, and I’m lucky enough to call myself someone who gets to work with him, but still. I’m just one of the many people that gets to watch him shine from the sidelines.

I put my phone away once I hear him coming back, and watch as he places a drink in front of me, “for you,” and one for himself “and for me,” and sits down opposite me. The drink is lime green. It looks delicious. I tell him that and shiver as I wrap my hand around the cold glass.

He smiles at me with his pearly white teeth on full display, “it’s fuckin’ amazing. I think it’s so cool, like the shit that bartenders do, mix a bit of that, throw a little bit of that in, and this is one of my many creations. I do feel like a bartender whenever I make this.”

I smile and take a sip. It was amazing. “You make this for everyone?”

He seems stunned, “no, no! I mean, I rarely get people over, we’re all just so fuckin’ busy to dilly-dally, and if I do, it’s work related—you’re work related too, I know, but—it’s a day off for the both of us, so fuck it, why not, you know?”

“Yeah,” I take another sip, “well, I’m glad you invited me over.”

He broadly grins at me from behind his glass, “you already told me that.”

I feel myself getting flustered. I’m not really too good with human interactions or words today.

“I’m just kidding,” he gently laughs, “I’m glad you came over, too. Uh—you—how have you liked everything so far? I feel like I know a lot about you already, but you just—you’re a very interesting person.”

So, this is the kind of stuff he wanted to talk about? And did he just call me interesting? I’m going straight back to feeling nervous. Meanwhile he takes a sip of his drink too and keeps his eyes on me the whole time.

“Me?” I gulp, “I don’t know whether to thank you or tell you that you’re delusional.”

He just snickers again, there was no hint of real hurt or judgment there, “no, no! Like now, you could’ve told me more, something I don’t know, but it’s almost like you got some secrets, like you’re avoiding some shit. Are you? Every time I try to talk to you, you don’t.”

He holds a mischievous twinkle in his eyes and I’m thinking if I should hold back my words here. Have I been holding back that much? I haven’t realised it, if I have. Maybe I’m just scared of being too much and I don’t want to, well, be too much. I don’t know how deep is too deep, especially considering our work situation-ship.

Just when I thought I somewhat know him, he shows me a new side of him. There’s been a lot of people in my life who’s had their eyes on me, but never cared enough to look closely enough to see me the way I am. At least not in the way I feel I deserve, like I do with him. He seems fairly interested in me, which is the highest compliment, I think.

“I thought you invited me here just to talk business,” I stutter.

”We’re not working right now, I already told you.”

His face was content as ever as he leaned on the palm of his hand and listened to me talk. And what did we talk about? Everything. All about me. I found it rather easy to open up to him, once I got started. The only time it didn’t feel as easy was when I was reminded how intensively he’s listening and looking at me. I gulp down my drink and relish the sweet taste.

“I think it’s kind of a fair trade if you tell me something about you next,” it’s my turn to grin at him.

It was enough to make him crack up, “what is this, a fuckin’ truth or dare? Spin the bottle? You want another drink? I could go for another one. Fuck it, let’s do 10 more! This is fun, I’m having a good time.”

He convinces me to have one more with him. I mean, I can’t leave him now, I think it’s just getting good here. We are having fun, is it a bit too much fun? I don’t know, but neither of us seem to care enough to stop it.

I agree, “sure, I’ll have another and dare you to tell me something next, like how did you pick me? Or was it even you? You had your fair share, now it’s my turn.”

I can play this game too and I’m really interested in why he chose me. All this time I thought it was luck, but was it? What else does he see in me?

He grabs our glasses, going to the kitchen to work his magic again, with his back facing me. It didn’t take him long, but it was long enough time for a silence to fall over us, except for a few clinks from the kitchen, and enough time for me to wonder about what has happened to far today.

He is so chill, unlike me on the inside. He didn’t make a big deal of us meeting, which is fine. I mean, I do work for him, this is all business, so I don’t know what else I would expect to happen. But I am taken aback he is willing to share so much with me and that it doesn’t seem to phase him much. He is letting me read him like an open book.

He was way too soon back with our second batch of drinks, “so, you want to know why you’re here?”

I nod coyly.

He beams and leans back on his seat, resting his arm behind him and fiddling with his glass with the other hand, “I mean, you know everything I need you to know and you’re good at it. You know a lot, you’re very smart and you work hard. I saw your application. And I know you’re very funny, too. You were funny as fuck on the phone when we first talked.”

Oh no. Yeah, that was my tired brain talking back then.

He interrupts me, “no, I think you’re funny as fuck. You should do that more often. Why are you holding back?”

“I don’t know,” I don’t know what I’m actually going to say to this one, “I’m not used to mixing my humour with work, I guess, but glad it works for you.”

“It does, like you don’t need to hold back around me. Be yourself, you know? Like, fuck it. I say stupid shit too, but you don’t think any less of me, do you?”

“No, I dont,” I confess. I’m happy he told me that. He’s giving me the freedom to be me, which I never realised is the greatest thing someone could give you.

After both of our glasses were empty and we had gone over the stupidest jokes and stories that matter, I think it was time for me to get out. We really had found ourselves talking about everything, from our tastes in music to plans for the future.

I tell him, “I should go soon, but this was fun! We should do this again—probably not! But if we ever happen to… I don’t know.“ Damn it. I know very well we shouldn’t and probably won’t ‘hang out’ like this again. Stupid me, not knowing when to stop. I’m such embarrassment-prone.

To my luck, he shakes his head, “no, I’d like that! You have a phone, I have a phone, you know, let’s make shit happen. Easy.”

I dodged a bullet right there. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to think that us meeting up again would be unprofessional or weird and I didn’t make matters worse.

We get up and I let him lead me to the door. I’m about to step out, but not before turning to see him standing there with his arms spread out for me. A little warmth rushes into my cheeks as we mold together and share a hug for the second time today and he gives my back a soothing rub.

“Have a safe trip home,” he speaks lowly in my ear.

I watch him return the small smile through the little crack, until the door shuts close with a soft click. I walk back to the elevator, and once I’m certain I really am alone, I pull out my phone and text my friend. I didn’t even realise what I was typing as I was typing it.

There’s one thing in my mind I need to air out, because the longer it stays there, the more it becomes a secret. And I don’t want to keep secrets from my friend right now, secrets that are confusing me as much as it will confuse them;

“Oh my God. Since when has he become so attractive?” 3:05 PM

It didn’t take long at all for my friend to reply, like they had been waiting by the phone, but certainly not for a message like that. For the first time ever, I was honestly scared to see what they have to say this time. I don’t blame them though, I myself even feel a little scared of what I’m feeling right now.

“What?! What did you guys even do? You know this sounds very suspicious?” 3:06 PM

Trust me, I know it’s stupid, but it’s the way he actually cared to listen to me, and, I don’t know, appreciate me like no one has before. I’m afraid no one will understand what I mean, they would have to meet him and be in my place to understand. He is somehow irresistible in every way, the way he talks, the way he listens, both just as important qualities.

I guess there is no use in explaining myself, but I still text my friend back, trying to find the right words;

“Nothing like you’re imagining, we just talked! But he said some nice things to me, like he finds me interesting, like he’s just a very nice person and he has an attractive personality. I don’t know if that’s a thing but if not then I just invented it.” 3:09 PM

I know if there’s someone who sees right through me, it’s my friend and I will probably be called out any second now. Just to be clear, I would not mess with him nor this job opportunity. I’m not like that, I just appreciate a good personality, I guess. And I mean, I’m not saying his looks are bad either... but, no.

My friend replies,

“I believe you, but this sounds like so much more. And I’m quoting you now, ‘attractive’?!” 3:11 PM

I wish I would’ve kept my mouth shut, because I don’t think I will ever hear the end of this. I end up finding my way back home safe and sound, which was actually a miracle, considering that I didn’t really pay attention to where I was going or which bus I hopped on, because there was just one thing on my mind. I don’t like Alex like that, but I’m also running out of ways to defend my case. It’s too soon to even think about these things.

I went to bed early, deciding to catch up on some tv-shows, because I didn’t exactly know what else to do with myself. And sure, I was also texting my friend, telling them it’s not like that and if we can now drop it and move on. I feel too stupid and embarrassed to think about it any longer. So I just got ready for bed and started up a tv-show re-run. Of course I couldn’t pay much attention when I had my friend blowing up my phone and my brain screaming the same stuff at me. This secret can never get out.

The next day, as I woke up, the first thing on my mind was whatever it was that had taken over me yesterday, but other than that it was all the same. I so wanted to text Alex, thank him for having me over. I suddenly felt so very bored of my own life, as I realised that wasn’t going be something we do often, if ever again.

I spent the whole day in bed, just killing time and relaxing, not like I had anything else to do. I could call up my friend, but I honestly still feel a bit embarrassed to talk anything over with them yet. I would rather solve it myself. My feelings, my problem, right?

A few weeks have passed. I haven’t talked much with Alex. It’s the same as usual, we have fallen back to the normal ritual, where the only interaction we ever have is strictly work-related talk.

I, myself have also finally fallen back into my calm state of mind and so has my friend. Everything feels the same it’s always been. Obviously, my friend hasn’t completely let me live it down, but I can live with it. We still occasionally talk about it, or more like, they ask me if I’m okay, because apparently, I sounded so passionate about my feelings and it’s not healthy to brush them off.

It wasn’t until a few more weeks had passed by swiftly, when I heard from Alex again, on another Saturday evening. My phone was going off, with his name on the screen.

“Hey. Sorry if this was sudden, or whatever,” he quietly speaks to me when I pick up.

“It’s fine,” I assure, “I actually have been waiting to hear from you.”

Was that too much? I feel like that’s one thing that would have been better if it only existed in my head. I was relieved to hear him find the humour in it though.

“Yeah?” I heard him chuckle on the phone, “you’ve been waiting for me like I’m fuckin’ Santa or some shit?”

I laugh too and played along with his usual banter, “oh, yeah. Now, do you have something for me?”

He actually sighs and gets serious, “I have like, bad news and then there’s like, amazing news.”

Oh no. How bad are we talking about? Is it about me? Just when I thought things would go back to normal, whatever normal is. I make a noise to urge him to keep going.

He sighs again, “okay. I’m… going to have to move and leave that fuckin’ amazing apartment behind, that you just saw a few weeks ago. Like, what the fuck? I get it, like life comes at you fast, but like, fuck.”

“What?” I ask him, sounding too disappointed for my own liking, “you have to? Like, this is it? You’re getting evicted or something?”

He finally laughs lowly, “okay, fuck you. I’m just kidding! No, actually—I got this offer, hear me out, this is a big ass spoiler, but I’m getting a huge sponsorship, which means that the amount of content I have to do for them, and with them, of course, is just so much that it would be necessary for me to live there. At least for now.”

He keeps on rambling about this opportunity and genuinely sounds like he couldn’t be more excited, meanwhile I don’t make a peep.

“And I figured to tell you now, because I know you’ll be cool about it. I’ll still have work for you to do, so technically this doesn’t change anything for you, but, I mean, fuck it, why wouldn’t I do it?! It’s time for me to spread my little wings and go out there in the big world,” he keeps going while I still remain silent.

“Oh, wow, not what I expected to hear, but that’s awesome. So, where’s the bad news?” I finally say to him, when I don’t hear his voice anymore, trying my best to conceal the lack of excitement in mine.

“I know right! Those aren’t even bad news, ‘cause like, what the fuck? It’s going to be amazing. I figured I should let you know, ‘cause when you see me filming from somewhere else, just so you know I haven’t been kidnapped, I’m not streaming from someone’s basement. No one’s forcing me to make content.”

Well, that got a genuine giggle out of me. I want to show my support more, but I feel a bit sad about this. I don’t know why. Why do I find it so hard to be happy for him right now?

I understand that this is really something he wants to do, something that’s bringing him lost motivation back, so what else would I tell him other than ‘yes, it’s a good idea’? Even though it means he’ll be far away in another state, God knows exactly how far, but I can’t be selfish and act all hurt when this doesn’t even affect me. But, how long will he be gone for?

“So, when will I see you again? Not anytime soon, I assume?” Now I’m asking the real questions here.

“I know... yeah, probably not. Shit just happens so fast, isn’t that crazy?”

At least he’s honest. I don’t know and neither does he. There’s my answer. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little upset. I guess we have—I don’t even know how much more—time left, and then everything will change, or not, like he assured, but I think it will all change for us. Maybe not in all the worst ways, but how often does change not hurt at first? It always does.

That bitter feeling didn’t die, no matter how many days I tried to drown it for. There’s still a tiny string in me holding onto the hope that he’s not leaving. I know it’s selfish, I hate it too. I hate how I’m doing this to myself. I’m especially having one of those days today, when I feel like doing nothing, but I have to get work done. It’s just hard not to think about him when my work centers around him, like I really can’t get away.

I just never thought we would run out of time. Isn’t it cruel how we only appreciate time when there’s not much of it left?

I decide to wrap up work early today. I had sat on my desk the whole morning, staring at the screen and realising that words don’t make sense to me, I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, like this stupid editing program suddenly feels like a stranger. If I’m going to do a crap job, I might as well just not do anything. The deadline isn’t until tomorrow.

My mind is more occupied with things with a shorter deadline, other things I have to solve before I can immerse myself in anything else that requires complete focus, like the strange feeling I got after hearing him break the news. It shouldn’t matter to me, so why does it feel like it does?

I shut down the computer after saving the little work I got done. I need to look after myself, do the things I used to do and enjoyed doing before all this happened and he came and rocked my world and hopefully I’ll get over it, and myself.

Just out of pure curiosity, I want to know how things are going for him. I’m not trying to get my feelings hurt, but it’s only been a few days, nothing too major hasn’t happened yet, right? The buzzing of my phone jerkes me back to reality. It’s Alex!

“Hi!” I balance my phone on my shoulder, as I finished patting my face dry after a very refreshing shower I just had.

I can hear him clear his throat and speak, “hello. I just woke up, I know it’s like, what, 1PM? Holy shit. Anyway, uh… what are you up to?”

I wonder what is the reason for this call, but I’m not going to ask. I’ll happily take as much of his time as he can give me, before he gets busy with moving and his new life.

“Nothing,” I reply truthfully, “I mean—I’ve had kind of a slow day today. I just—I’ll get back to work later, right now I’m just trying to unwind myself, I guess.”

“Oh,” he replies, “something on your mind?” Oh, you have no idea.

I try to laugh it off, hoping he won’t try to dig any deeper, “honestly, the usual. You know, life.”

To my relief, he just laughs in response, “yeah, me, if anyone, would know about that. Like, fuck—tell me about it! I don’t know at this point if I’m fighting demons, or if I’m the demon.”

We both laugh and it’s so nice even for a few seconds to just laugh with him, and I hate even more what is about to happen to us.

“Yeah, like I don’t know who prayed for my downfall, but it’s working for them.”

He yawns, “see, you get it! I knew you would.” Except that I don’t…

“Anyway—you’re probably wondering, how am I doing, so considerate of you. Being all worried and shit. I am after all just a baby. But I’m doing great! Uh—I’ll be busy as fuck soon, so...,” he trails off.

I hum. I know what he means by that, that he won’t have much time for me anymore. “Yeah, I understand,” I tell him, trying not to sound too sad nor too happy. Just neutral, like how I wish I could actually feel about it.

“Yeah, so, it’s a big fuckin’ step, but I still think it’s a step that needs to be taken, content-wise, because, after all I just want to keep getting better and bigger. I mean, there is no such thing as too big. That’s what I tell myself every time I—okay, I’m gonna stop myself right there.”

He laughs at himself and I stand stunned for a while, until the joke hits me and I laugh too. And… it made me feel flustered. He is just something else. That’s why I like him. As a friend!

“What was I saying? I don’t know, but yeah, it’s happening and I’m excited. So many fuckin’ great things happening. I hope the same goes for you.”

I hum again, since I don’t trust my voice right now, “thanks. I hope so too. I’m really excited for you. Don’t miss me too much while you’re gone.” Just one lie after another.

“I’ll try not to. I think I should be the one saying that. You don’t miss me too much.”

“Wait, who are you again?”

“Okay, fuck you. Bye.”

We both break into laughter again over the ridiculous banter and hang up. Seems like things are going, and will go, well for him.

I put on a very lazy outfit, since I had no plans to go anywhere today.I had too much time on my hands, so I started overthinking again, and for the rest of the day, it was one thought after another. I wish I could see him one last time, why didn’t he ask to? I mean, I know why. Because we’re not close like that. It was a one time thing, won’t happen again. He probably said that he wants to see me again just to avoid disappointing me and hurting my feelings. They will be hurt either way.

I wonder what Alex is doing right now, 7PM on a Wednesday night. A text pops up on my phone as I'm scrolling online… from him?!

“Hey! I have some spare time tomorrow, you wanna come over? I kinda owe it to you, but I wouldn’t mind you seeing you either. It’s a fucking mess here but I’m sorry I can’t pack neatly.” 7:01 PM

What on Earth? It seems like for some reason we are in each other’s subconsciousness. I asked for this, but now I feel weird that this is happening. I’m getting what I want and I don’t think I will want it again. I reply;

“Sure! Thought you’d never ask.” 7:03 PM

I slept better that night. Who knows why.

The next morning I was up before the sun, bright and early. It wasn’t until the afternoon when I had promised to be at Alex’s place, but I couldn’t sleep and lay still anymore. I’m itching for something to happen, something that involves him and getting to see him, possibly for the last time in a long time.

Then later in the day, it was me going downtown again in the same bus, walking over to the same building. The same elevator ride upstairs. The same long hallway. The same door that already looks like coming home. I shouldn’t get so attached anymore. No more crazy thoughts.

This time I didn’t even wait around, but rang the doorbell as I pulled my earbuds out. Ironically, there’s nothing but petty, angry love songs on the radio today where someone’s leaving and someone gets hurt. I feel like I have nothing to be scared or nervous about right now. If anything, my feelings should be scared of me, because I’m not going to feel anything. Whatever I felt the last time I was here, I’m over it.

I heard him turning the lock and there he was, opening the door, all smiles. He looks happy. This time, though, I don’t think I’m alone the reason for it. He doesn’t surprisingly look as disheveled or tired as I imagined, either. In fact, he looks like he has been personally touched by an angel. He is, well, glowing, you could say. Every piece of him.

“Hi!” he ushers me inside, not wasting any time.

I march right inside, “you’re happy to leave.”

He rubs his hands together, “c’mon! I’m having the fuckin’ time of my life! Like—I’ve had good news, c’mon on! Cut me some slack!” He’s so excited to go. Wow.

If I was him, I would feel more bittersweet, perhaps, but people like him just don’t seem to be having a hard time saying goodbye. Maybe people like him aren’t even supposed to stay too long in one place, like the world needs him as much as I do. Good for him, but sucks for me. He then went off, leaving me by myself, like I’m already one with the house and know my way perfectly around.

I followed him to the kitchen, where it was boxes upon boxes. The living room didn’t look any different. The house looks swept, from what I can see so far. His setup is the only thing that looks somewhat the same, but I can tell there’s things missing, already been put away.

“Wow, you really weren’t kidding, like, this is really happening,” I say, mostly to myself.

This place looks weird and dead now that it’s almost empty, like it’s empty of life too.

“Yeah! What, are you gonna miss me and shit?” he asks me, amused by the thought, “no sad, happy!”

Then he quite literally places his hand on my shoulder and gives it a comforting rub, before taking off again. I don’t know if it made me feel better or worse.

“I—“

“So,—“

We start at the same time, following by us both saying ’sorry’ in sync. Awkward. But hey, that got us to laugh again. Oh, how I just like laughing with him. I think it’s one of my favourite sounds. God forbid, if he could read my thoughts right now.

“I was just going to ask if I ever get to see you cooking in that kitchen, like you promised?” Way to change the subject.

Alex gasps with his mouth agape, “no fuckin’ way! How the fuck are you one step ahead of me? I made some of it last night, wondered if you wanna have a bite with me? I mean, of course, you fuckin´ do, right?!”

He starts clapping excitedly, before I could say anything. But the answer is going to be yes, nonetheless. A perfect way to waste some time with him.

In the kitchen, I already knew my seat. It’s the same one I sat on the last time I was here. It felt like personally addressed. I reach for the chair at the same time as he turns to pull it out for me as an act of chivalry. It caused us to knock into each other. Not hard enough to cause an accident, but hard enough to make us both feel embarrassed.

We laugh again, more awkward this time. That was probably the worst fake laugh I’ve ever had to do with him. I sit down and watch as he turns his back to me and takes something out of the fridge.

“This,” he announces, “is my secret recipe, fuckin’ incredible, guacamole.” He brings it to the table and goes back to kitchen to fetch us something to enjoy it with, until sitting down with me. He tells me to dig in, while sitting back and taking off his beanie and running his fingers through his hair. God knows why it made my breath hitch.

When I finally make the move to dig in like he told me to, it’s unlucky he made the same choice at the same time. Our hands touch lightly, before we both quietly apologize and pull them apart like they just had been burned.

“Relax, it’s all yours,” I tease him.

“Fuck you,” he giggles, a smile creeping in, like he’s glad I broke the tension.

The food was honestly pretty good. I hum in enjoyment, “this is good, you were right.”

He laughs, “I told you. Get used to me being right, if you haven’t yet, it’s about time. I mean, I was right about you, too.”

Is he doing this again, getting all mysterious and sentimental about me? And he does it whenever there’s no escape for me from the conversation, too. I wonder what’s really weighing on his heart.

I ask him instead, “okay, what does that mean? You always do this.”

“Well, if it wasn’t for my mastermind, you wouldn’t be here, and I wouldn’t have something here that made me thought about staying, but, you know, it’s not like I’m leaving for good.”

I was on his mind as something that’s worth staying for? There’s not much left he can give me anymore, we’re running low on things to say or do when there’s so little time left, but he never wanted to leave without telling me that. It’s the one last high, before we flatline.

“You really think so? That I’m that special? I’m sure whatever you will find next is going to be worth it, though. I’ll be fine.” I can only keep lying to myself for so long. I’ll be a mess.

Alex straightens himself in his seat, like he’s about to say something crucial, “you’re so fuckin’ special, like I don’t know who hurt you so that you always have to question it. Like this is not the first time we’ve had this conversation.”

He’s right. But what he doesn’t know is that it’s him leaving that hurts me. Maybe I’m just insecure, because I know I’m always replaceable. But maybe he doesn’t think so.

He slyly continues, “whatever it is, whoever they are… they don’t matter now. Don’t think about them, just think about us—or me, you know I would never judge you for how you feel. And I even told you already that you mean a lot to me, so what are you scared of anymore?”

“I—,“ I really don’t know what to say, “I don’t mean to make this about myself, but… I guess I was just excited to spend more time with you and now you won’t be here. And I know it, that I was a chapter in your life, but you have a whole book to write. So I don’t know how much space there is anymore to write about me.”

I know better than get attached to people like him. They have the whole world to impress, I’m just one person.

“Damn, that was some deep shit. I was not fuckin’ ready for that by any means, but fine. Fuck it, let’s take the deep road,” he babbles in his usual way, “it’s not like the next time I see you will be awkward anyway, because, you know… I won’t fuckin’ see you. I’ll be long gone.”

I pretend to gasp at the joke and play along, even though the truth behind it hurts.

“But I agree, it’s been great, but, you know, I’m just a call away. And I always, always have time for you, like I’ve already fuckin’ saved you a seat in my mind, so I never forget to keep you in my thoughts. See? That was pretty good, I can get deep in shit too,” he grins almost child-likely and nudges me as he gets up and goes on his merry way to the kitchen, cleaning up the table.

He seems like he’ll be fine enough, so I feel dumb to push it anymore. I just nod, even against my own will and avert my gaze. Maybe I should stop acting so ungrateful, I still get to keep my job and it’ll almost like force him to talk to me once in a while. It’s not the end of my world. Maybe.

We talk more, this time with me trying to act reasonable. He seems to like and laugh at everything I say. I try my best too to keep a smile on my face and tell him, “I’m sure it’ll be fine and we both make it. I’ll be here rooting for you, king.”

“Thank you so much, thank you. It really means a lot coming from you. I’m glad you seem to feel better.”

Yeah. Surely, I’ll be fine… I’ll fake it if I can’t make it. As he’s cleaning up, he tells me I can feel at home and get some water from the fridge if I want to. Well, I eventually figured I should make myself useful and walked up to the fridge in unbreakable strides.

He seemed to be finished with the dishes and stepped to his right where I was, and our bodies had another collision, I think this being the worst one yet. Like we’re used to it already and know the route out of the awkwardness, we just laugh it off. I don’t understand what the universe is trying to tell me to do right now, because it seems like every move I decide for myself to make is wrong.

And there comes that weird tension again. I hope he doesn’t think I’m trying to try something here. I would never. But he seems more than fine, and definitely not like he’s internally cursing my name, as he is casually standing there next to me, making these ridiculous expressions and sounds in result of a brain freeze, since the water was pretty much ice cold. It made us both laugh and smile like nothing had happened.

What do we do now? Is this it? I thought as I soon announce that I should leave, before anything else can happen. I make quick work on putting my jacket on and tying my shoelaces, reaching for the door just as he does, and there I find myself bumping right into his side again.

I suddenly feel the urgent need for the floor to swallow me whole, but since that’s not happening, running out the door seems very tempting. I can’t handle another one of these accidents. I’m so embarrassed. Not the kind of ending I imagined for our story, but I guess it’s better than drowning in tears. Maybe I have a chance in surviving losing him, if this is how I feel.

“Sorry for whatever that was,” I apologize again, God knows for how manyth time today.

He just timidly laughs, not as loudly and lively as he usually does, but it was still a laugh, “it’s okay, you know, it takes two to… fuck up, something like that, right?”

I laugh too now, “that’s true.”

Now we are just standing in the doorway, thinking who’s going to be the first to say goodbye. And I didn’t find it in me to just run out and leave without it. To my luck, he breaks the moment of silence, “so, uh…. I wanna tell you that I’ll see you soon, but I’m actually not sure when I’ll be able to do that. So—I know you understand, right?”

I do. I understand what is happening. It’s almost like it’s finally sinking in that this is it. I don’t know what the future holds. Will I see him again?

“I don’t want to make any promises, but… I’ll see you at last whenever I’m back, whenever that will be. I’ll talk to you about the new work schedule too, when it’s more topical,” he rants. Yep, at least I get to keep my job.

I just nod sympathetically, “I understand. Good luck with everything, honestly. I’ll see you someday and in the meantime, we can always talk on the phone.” I feel the need to still remind him that just because he’s not here, doesn’t mean I’m not waiting to hear from him every day.

“Of course,” he smiles genuinely, so wide that it reaches his eyes, which makes me want to take his word for it.

He then pulls me into a lingering hug, which surprised us both, how there was no hesitation this time to be so close to each other. Sure, my time with him has been short-lived, but it has meant something. Every second mattered and in a matter of seconds time will be irrelevant. Oh, how life goes.

He pats my back, which felt both like a curse and a blessing. It felt too nice to not happen again in a long, long time. Why couldn’t I feel this way when there was still time?

When he next stares at me from under his long lashes with an unreadable expression on his face, like he’s trying hard to memorize something, I make the move to leave before I fall any deeper into the despair.

It takes a second for him to realise it and to follow me, and now he leans against the doorway, as if he needs something else to cling on to now that I’m out of his reach.

“Go on then, little superstar,” I giggle, “I won’t forget you. Which would be impossible, anyway.”

He starts grinning again, and before he can get too ahead of things and himself, I roll my eyes, “I’m trying to be nice here.”

He gets serious and gives me a more gloomy look before turning it into a smile to almost prevent any emotions spilling, “I know, I know, sorry. Me neither. Trust me.” Trust. That’s what I need, to trust him and let the rest roll off my shoulders.

Soon after we say the final farewells and I watch and hear the door click close for the last time and he is out of my sight for also possibly the last time, at least for a long while. Call me selfish, or a bad person, all of it, but there’s no way he’s actually leaving. I don’t want him to. There’s no way after all that sunshine, it’s now raining this hard. When it rains, it really pours.

Quite literally, indeed, because when I stepped out of the building, it was raining. Ironic. I put my hood on and made my way quickly to the bus stop, staring at the black screen of my phone like any second now he’s going to tell me something, something along the lines of like he has changed his mind. I wiped the raindrops off the screen, they reminded me of teardrops. For some strange reason, I don’t feel like crying at all.

I was already cursing the bus, the bus route, the bus stop. Everything here is going to remind me of him. I can never come back here, unless it’s with him. There’s no way I’m in this deep already, but I am. And there’s no bottom or no one to hold me up this time, I’ll just keep sinking.

The next morning, and the next one, and the next one my immediate thought was Alex, not to anyone’s surprise. The thought of his existence didn’t get me so high as it used to do, since he will now exist so far from me. Just when everything started falling into place. I had already let myself forget the day he’s leaving. Was it yesterday or today, or tomorrow? Or maybe it’s better if I don’t know and will let him leave quietly. So quietly, that the sound of it doesn’t make me flinch.

I figure I can’t just lay down here in my bed the entirety of my existence or Alex being gone, I have to get back to work and back to, well, what life was like before there was him. But what was my life like without him? I’m not sure I can recall it.

I realise I could do anything I ever want, but I’m stuck here and there’s a void in me that looks like him. I feel like I’m supposed to just sit on my hands, what else would I do? Later that night I throw myself on the bed again, ready to waste time scrolling through my phone, maybe watch some TV.

I open Twitter and wait as it loads new content for me to see. So, what do I do on Twitter? I do follow Alex, and I see that he hasn’t posted anything new. I also do follow people I find interesting, a few friends, people who have the same music taste and interests as me. I haven’t caught up with the timeline since last night.

The further I scroll, the more I see concerning headlines of news. What the hell is this?

“Another COVID-19 lockdown possible, says experts.”

What’s going on? It says just a few states have been put on high alert, the one I’m in is not included, at least for now. We still get to go about our lives here. I feel my heart sink, thinking about going back to square one. I don’t think we as society can take another one of those. I see it before my very eyes how the news are spreading like wildfire. Everyone is talking about it. It’s all I see and I think it’s all I will see even in my sleep tonight.

I read until the words didn’t make any sense to me anymore, they were just words of confirming what we all fear. They just made me sick. As the night fell on me, I know I wasn’t the only one in the world who laid wide awake that night. What’s going to happen?

So much for summer plans and so much for possibly visiting Alex or him visiting me. Shit. I just realised what this means for us. It’s the state where he went that’s one of the few mentioned to be prepared to shut down. If only he had never left.

I couldn’t take it anymore. It’s now been more than a few days since I had last seen and heard from Alex, too long when he’s all I think about. I want to know more, ask him how he is. I’m also a little worried, like how he had joked I would be, but now I really am. The world is suddenly not ours to take anymore, so I guess I have a valid reason to be. I text him;

“How is everything?” 1:24 PM

A completely harmless, friendly question. It doesn’t give away too much and he can write me back whenever he finds the time to.

Instead of doing so, he almost right away was calling me. Even a bigger bargain: I get to hear his voice again!

I picked up the phone expecting him to be in a frantic, excited hassle, but he was calm, it was almost too quiet on his end for someone who’s doing as much as he is. Actually, he didn’t seem to be in a rush at all and definitely didn’t sound as excited as he had the other day. I can only assume he’s tired, that’s the only logic that makes some sense.

“Hey,” wow, he does sound worn-out.

“Hey. I bet you’re tired, so you didn’t have to call me. I just wanted to know that… how are things in wherever you are?”

“No, of course I want to talk,” he assures, “I’m—something happened. I’m sure you’ve seen the news. It’s fuckin’ crazy out there.”

It hits me again. The news that feels like the end of the world all over again. I feel for him. Is he now possibly stuck in another state for longer than he anticipates?

I sigh, “yeah. I was hoping it won’t mess with you too much?”

“I’m just as fuckin’ caught off guard as you, but… I really can’t go. It’s too bad out there where I was supposed to go to that I can’t go, I can’t risk it. And I don’t want to seem like an ignorant asshole and just take off.”

“What?” I stutter, “I mean, it makes sense, but you mean—where are you right now?”

He lets out a little sad laugh, “I’m still here, in this great apartment of mine, in the middle of all these boxes and all of my shit is packed up, all of it. And now I’m not even going. Think about it.”

He is still here? He never even left? Or more like, he didn’t have the time to leave? He continues before I could get a word in, “I mean, fuck it, I still might as well fuckin’ move to the next block in the spite of having to pack and unpack everything.”

That made us laugh amidst all of the chaos. I feel bad for him, but it’s a funny thought. But, back to the real topic, he is not leaving after all? What is this universe up to? Did I manifest this unfortunate and unexpected turn of events? I’m starting to feel like I did.

“So, stupid question, I know, but how are you? You never got to leave? I thought for sure you were already gone,” I ask, “sorry, this must be so shitty, I can’t even imagine, and you probably don’t want to answer my stupid questions right now.”

“No, no! I do want to talk, more than ever. I was supposed to leave the day after I last saw you and then all of this kind of happened overnight. I don’t know—I’m just thinking about all the things and shit I don’t get to do now.”

He was so excited just for everything to be called off right before the kick off. I pity him. I’m not exactly sure how to comfort him in times like this, how to say the right things. What even are the right things to say? I know I wanted him to stay, but I never wanted it to happen like this, in a way that drains him of all of his contagious joy.

We talked a long while. Or more like, I let him talk and didn’t wait for my turn to talk. I listened with curiosity and empathy, for as long as he needed. I didn’t fill in the silences, just listened. The last thing he says to me on the phone before we hang up, comes as a total surprise, “hey—you wanna come over?”

And so it went, there I was again taking the same bus downtown to him. I never saw this coming. This looks like a film everyone would love to act in, where the one never gets away, but this is real life. I don’t know how to direct it yet, but I will keep looking for the answers for why this is happening and why he keeps always coming back to me, sometimes even against his own will.

Of course I said yes, when he asked me to come over.

By the time I rode the elevator, I was fuzzy in the head. This was not supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to come here again, not after we said those goodbyes not even a week ago.

I walked up to his door, and as by some instinct, he opened it before I could even knock. I did a double take, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I mean, it’s him, but... he looks great. Happier, for some reason, even when there’s not much to be happy about, or so I thought. I wonder who made him like that. Whoever it is, consider them lucky. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so serene and beautiful like he does in this light.

“Hi!” he lets me in, “alright, let’s just forget about the fuckin’ dramatic goodbyes that we had and pretend none of that shit happened.”

He then giggles at his own recollections, so did I. How many times you get this lucky when there is no bye in goodbye? I also still don’t know what is keeping the smile on his face right now. If there is sadness in there, he’s not showing it.

“Yeah, this is pretty fucked. Not to make things about me, but I thought I would like never see you again. Like you’re gonna start a whole new life without me.”

He shakes his head, “not this time. And I mean—I still wanna keep you, I’m not just gonna fuckin’ let you go, no matter what happens. You’re stuck with me, pal.”

“Yeah, literally. You couldn’t get too far even if you tried.” I wonder if he will ever make it out of here. Right now, everything feels impossible. None of us will get out anytime soon.

“Yeah, see?” he grins.

I see some of the boxes in his house are still up, some of them opened and unloaded, as if something necessary has been taken out of them. He follows my gaze and laughs nervously, “yeah, I know, it’s a fuckin’ mess here. And—it’s just that all of these news are fuckin’ with my head, you know? You feel it too?”

I nod. It’s not bad at all where we are, but what if it gets bad here? The only rule is that we can’t exit the state, but that’s already enough to mess up people’s plans. Like his. It’s all ruined for him.

We talk about these arising fears as he guides us to the kitchen and motions me to take a seat. I smile at his thoughtfulness and sit down. He sits across from me, bringing some snacks on the table.

As I secretly watch him there in the brief silence that occurs when we chew on the snacks, I feel the same old familiar excitement to see him and to be here with him. Like I want to fight all the odds that prevents keeping me right here forever. He makes me feel excited about life, especially when we have more promised time now. That’s the closest my words will get to the feeling I can’t explain.

And, he looks... great. Brand new. Attractive, even some would say. Not me, of course… I clear my throat, hoping he’s not catching on to me, “so, you called me here, because… you wanted to talk?”

“Yeah, pretty much. I just needed to know that… I still have you. Like no matter what shit goes wrong, I’ll always have you here. Especially now, when being alone is the last thing I want. I can’t even see my friends from other states or from home, in case shit gets worse, but you’re always here, right?” he rambles.

I’m still too a bit freaked out that I now have him here, right here where I wanted him all along, I suddenly don’t seem to know or remember what I always wanted to tell him. I think he just beat me to it. I think we really need each other, especially at times like this when loneliness is almost bound to happen.

“Yeah, of course. As selfish as this sounds… I’m glad you’re still here. I don’t think I was ready to say goodbye just yet,” I didn’t know what else to say to his emotional outburst other than answering with the same concerns. If honesty is what he wants and needs to hear, then so be it.

“I knew it. I knew you’re happy I never left”, he tries to suppress his usual grin and raises a brow challengingly at me, “you need me.”

I roll my eyes, “what? That’s all you decided to take from that?”

We both laugh at the banter, like we always used to do. I’m glad we are able to pick up right where we left off. It’s like nothing ever happened. Even though I think we are getting a little sidetracked here.

He adjusts himself in the chair and leans back, crossing his arms as if to appear more intimidating, “what can I say? I have a selective hearing, you tell me you need me and I’m fuckin’ all ears, just like that.”

“I—okay. I didn’t say I need you, I’m just happy you’re still here. I know, it’s probably weird for me to say this—“

At this point I felt like I was squirming in my seat under his gaze. Why is he doing this, almost obsessed with the idea of me needing him?

“Hey, no. I’m sorry if I went too far joking about it and making you feel like it’s weird. It’s not. I feel very… fuckin’ happy you think so highly of me.”

We talk more, and I learn that the news of the possible COVID-19 outbreak, even if it’s not happening here, has really messed with him and I understand a little better why he is being like this. No one wants to feel isolated and alone and he seems to be holding onto me now more than ever. I understand him, but it will change us. For worse or for better, nobody knows.

“Anything else before I go?”

“Actually, yeah. I have a few friends pop over in a few days. You should come too,” he tells me like it’s nothing and like he has already made up my mind for me.

“Oh?” I ask with genuine surprise, “are you sure? Do you really thinks it’s a good idea for me to meet them?”

“Of course! I think it’d be fuckin’ awesome! They’ve been in the city for a few days now, they’re not coming from another state, so it’s all good, all safe.“

“Okay.”

He grins happily, “great!”

What am I getting myself into here? I need to think things through when I get home. He walks me to the door not soon after that. I thought to open the door and walk myself out, but he had the same thought to open it for me, causing us to collide with each other again. This is such a deja vu, but I didn’t remember how awkward it exactly is.

“Yeah, that’s it. I’ll stop being a gentleman right at this fuckin’ second,” he laughs. I laugh too, because as awkward as it is, he makes it funny.

“Okay, I’m gonna go now, before you jump at me again,” I finally make the move to leave.

“Uh—excuse me!” he yells after me, “it takes two! It takes two, pal!”

I keep backing away until I’m so far from him, that we pretty much have to yell to make ourselves heard in this hallway, before waving him goodbye. I made some quick strides to the elevator, it was waiting for me on the same floor as if to rescue me. What is he doing to me and why is it working? And why do I kind of like it?

So, how do I actually feel about Alex inviting me over with his friends there? The thought of it seemed to excite him greatly, but I, on the other hand, am not sure if I can reciprocate his feelings. I do like hanging out with him doing nothing, but when you throw other people in the mix, will it just blow up in our faces? Am I just ruining things to make myself miserable at this point?

I so want to text my friend at times like this, even though I’m highly aware they would force me to go and socialize, but I figure this is something I just have to decide myself and for myself. Some would say this is out of my comfort zone, but what else would I find comfort in if not being around him? How bad could it be there?

My phone makes a sound. There’s really only one person who would have a reason to text me right now. It’s time to make up my mind, I guess.

I was right, it was Alex,

“Sooo you coming tonight? I hope?” 4:35 PM

Fortunately for him, I don’t think I have it in me to tell him no. Not when he sounds like this, like he needs me. Like it’s up to me to make or break his night. It’s a lot of pressure to be this important to someone like him.

For now, I reply,

“Yeah, I’ll be there!” 4:39 PM

It’s as if he knows me inside out again and that I’m still questioning my choice, because he doesn’t leave it there, but says,

“Awesome, I was already thinking you’d bail on me.” 4:40 PM

That’s awkward.

“Never.” 4:40 PM

Guess I’m going.

I popped by a liquor store on my way to his before I hopped on the bus. I’m not usually the one to drink, especially on the first meeting, but I think I need some liquid courage, because I will decay before I can meet those new people if I think about it too hard. Have I already made it obvious that I’m a nervous wreck? It’s already an accident scene in my mind. When I finally arrive at his door, I could already hear the voices of many that I’m not familiar with. It’s still not too late to back out, but I won’t. I didn’t come this far just to come this far.

I knock on the door, and then it opens, revealing Alex behind it, smiling at me radiantly as ever. The smile that I think makes this all worth it.

He seems to be already having fun with his friends, so it’s still unclear to me why he wanted me here to shuffle the pack. I put on a happy face and my best foot forward, greeting him with the same enthusiasm. Faking it until I make it.

“I’m so glad you’re here!” he was grinning, like he was proud to have lured me here.

“Of course! Always up for a challenge.”

“Hey, everyone’s gonna like you, as much as I do. You don’t ever have to worry about that,” he pouts.

I wonder what caused him to say that. What is suddenly so likeable about me and how can he sound so sure of everything?

I step in the living room and see three other people that are still strangers to me. So that’s not too bad, I can tackle three. And perhaps Alex was right, if he invited me here it must mean there’s something he sees in me that everyone else will too. It was when I found my seat that they started talking and then it was my job to keep up.

“Hi! I’m Karl!” a brunette opposite me spoke and gave me a little wave.

“Punz,” the person next to him raised his hand as a greeting and popped snacks into his mouth.

“Oh! I’m Foolish!” the last person speaks and laughs lightly.

I wonder what happens next and how much they already know, or more like, what has Alex told them about me. Well, I was nevertheless about to tell them something that I hoped to be interesting enough, but got cut off by Punz as he waves me off and gestures to bottles on the table, “oh, we know who you are. Here, have one—oh, you brought your own drinks, nice.”

Oh, now I really am curious what have they heard from Alex. If it’s anything like what he told me at the door, I have a lot of expectations to meet. I’m totally cool about it, as cool as the drink I crack open and take a sip of. Bless them for initiating small talk while we wait for something to happen, since we are still the guests here.

Speaking of Alex, where the hell did he go? I haven’t seen him ever since he let me in and told me I don’t have to worry about a thing. Well, now I am worrying a bit, am I the only one who feels bothered by his absence?

“Yo, where the hell did he go?” Karl asks everyone at the table.

So, it seems I’m not.

We all look around ourselves but he was nowhere to be seen. As if he planned this all along, leaving me alone with his friends so we have no other choice but to gather around and talk to each other. It would have happened even without his shenanigans, so I don’t understand why this was necessary, if that is the case.

We couldn’t help, but laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Karl hid his smile with his sleeves and slapped the armrest, “he really said hi and bye. Can you believe him?”

He shakes his head disapprovingly. Punz seems fixated on the snacks he is still eating, good for him. Foolish was laughing too, like this was the main entertainment. I feel anything but entertained, I forgot to expect the unexpected whenever I am with Alex. You never know with him. I just sat there and drank my drink.

“So, what do you guys wanna do? Since it’s just us,” Foolish asks and wiggles his eyebrows, leaning forward to rest his hands on his knees, balancing the neck of a bottle on his fingertips.

I don’t want them to change their plans for me or to stop doing what they were doing before I got here, but obviously, true to my nature, I don’t dare to tell them that. My head is playing tricks on me, making me think there’s still a reason to keep my guard up and shy away.

Karl looks like he’s going to say something, like a brilliant idea washed over him, but then just asks me, “you two seem like you’re pretty close. Are you?”

My jaw slacks open in surprise. I assume he’s talking about me and Alex. What do I even say to that?

“Yeah, I think so—“

“Really? What do you like about him?” Karl bombards me with more questions, “ahem, as friends, of course.”

What is this about? What are my answers being used for?

I’m confused, but answer, “uh—everything?”

I don’t really know what to say and I acknowledge that Alex could come back any second and I don’t exactly want to be caught talking like this.

Karl tucks his lips into a tight-lipped smile, “well, if that ain’t the cutest thing. I asked him the same thing and he told me pretty much the same about you. Do whatever you want with that information.”

It’s now my turn to ask him, “really?”

He said that?

Karl just smiles again and yells out to Alex, wherever he is, “in case you forgot, you still have guests over and we would like to do something here, with or without you!”

Okay, so that conversation is over and I’m left drawing the conclusions and connecting the dots myself. It looks like a messy map of undecided feelings and missing truths. Did he really mean it, and if, why?

We all dissolve into laughter when Alex finally comes out of hiding and yells, “okay, asshole! Some of us has to look good tonight.”

Not too much had changed about him that would explain why he was gone for so long. Well, he had changed his outfit and from what I can tell, maybe fluffed his hair a bit, but I don’t see why that is necessary. He can do whatever he wants in his house, I guess. Not that I mind what he looks like, I myself am very casual and so are the other guests.

“So,” he claps his hands together and sits down next to me, not taking his eyes off me, “you okay?”

I nod. He has no reason to worry about me so much, but I appreciate his heartfelt care. It’s a two-way street, I acknowledge I would do the same. It causes a grin to break out on his face, “great! So, should we play something? Jackbox?”

We did that. I was sitting there on the couch, with my legs pulled up to my chest, curling away, watching the game play on, downing my drink.

Somewhere along the night, he was resting his arm on the back of my seat. I didn’t think much of it, until I felt his fingers toy with my hair. Does he even realise he’s doing it? I let it go and let him do his thing. It’s new for the both of us, a touch that’s so gentle and light as a feather it’s almost make-believe, but it feels nice and real. It’s making me want to stay here longer.

The game went on, we didn’t get through a round without laughter and genuine fun. I don’t know what happened to me about halfway through the night, I drank like never before. It occurred to me that it’s a receipt for disaster, but I’m way past thinking straight anymore. We just had a bit too much fun, or I did. Like I said, I never take things this far, but the rules slipped my mind tonight.

Foolish stretches with a strained cry and we all contagiously yawn as we wrap up the game for the night.

Alex mumbles next to me, “did you guys know there’s a fuckin’ fancy pool downstairs? I think it’s closed now and probably has restrictions and shit anyway—”

“Why tell us about it then?” Punz asks.

Karl was giggling again, “and who asked? We get it, you’re rich and we can’t go there—”

“No!” Alex defended his case, “I just—that would’ve been cool.”

It would’ve. I’d like to see the pool. Maybe someday.

Karl hums, “hm, did you want to look at the stars with me and kiss me under the moonlight?”

We all laugh again and watch Alex throw a cushion at him.

Everyone soon scattered around the house to take bathroom breaks and such. As I attempt to hoist myself up, I definitely feel more drunk than I had intended to be tonight. I give up and sit back and hug my knees again, hoping this will pass. Alex gets up too to clean up the empty bottles on the table and floor. I’m scared I’m going to make a mess that won’t be so easy to clean up.

I’m mentally cursing everything and myself, mostly myself for crossing the line, and how awkward it is sitting here alone. I want to get up and make things better, but before I know what is happening, I find myself falling to the ground. There’s no way to really say how I feel other than that I feel like I’m on a merry-go-round that doesn’t stop for anyone. It’s making my stomach churn and head spin. Everything is spinning, until I crash and hit the ground, or whatever I fell onto.

I’m listening but don’t hear anything, thinking it’s the alcohol messing with my head, until I realise there’s no sound. It’s a pin-drop silence. We’re almost frozen in time, right in this moment.

Alex finally fills the silence and speaks to me, holding onto me, “are you okay? Should I—tell me what can I do for you?”

Did he…. catch me? I mean, he must have, because I’m not shattered on the floor right now, but instead it was a very delicate fall. It didn’t even feel like falling, but the proof that I did is right there when I open my eyes that brings me a distorted vision of the floor.

“It’s probably just the alcohol, you know. We should get them water,” I hear someone else speak for me.

I then hear sounds from the kitchen, until it’s silent again, anticipating.

“Here,” Alex advised me, “drink this.”

I felt a glass tilted against my lips and gulped down some water, and prayed this will all pass. This is such a nightmare, and I don’t even know who’s the villain here. I didn’t even drink that much, or did I?

Alex shakes me a little to get my focus, “do you feel sick? Just nod or shake your head.”

He kneels by my side and lays a warm hand on my shoulder, rocking me a little. That’s one thing I’m painfully aware of right now, how close we are. I hesitate to let him get any closer to me, in case this turns into an awkward memory. I mean, it’s already embarrassing enough as it is, I just don’t need him to touch me in ways he will later regret.

He seems to notice my upset state and lifts my head to rest on his knees for a little comfort and holds me a little closer. This way, I can feel his every move, almost even every breath he takes. It oddly helps me, trying to synchronise our breathing, reminding myself that I can live through this.

I shake my head weakly, too weak to speak. Thankfully, he understands. I can see it in his terror-stricken eyes. Is he scared for?

“So, that’s a no. Would it be okay to move you onto the couch?”

I nod, giving him the green light. I’m still here, pathetically lying on the floor like a wounded animal and no one knows what’s the right thing to do.

Alex nods back at me, “okay. Is this a stupid question if I ask if you can stand up? Even just for a few s—”

“Oh my God,” Punz groans, “yeah, no offence at all, but that’s a stupid question. I mean, look at them.”

Yeah, look at me... I know there’s no judgment there behind his words, it sounds almost pitiful, the way he talks about me. He sounds like someone who wants the best for me.

“Okay,” Alex panics, “sorry. Is it—do you want me to carry you?”

Like he’s asking permission from me before daring to move me or touch me in a new way. I’m not in a good headspace to think, but that was kind of adorable of him. I nod, before I feel overtaken by nausea again. I can feel it in my guts, literally.

I can make out Alex again hovering somewhere over me as he witnesses the colour draining from my face and my eyes drooping, like there’s something I’m trying to fight against. He seems to get the hint when I gesture him that I don’t feel good and then there’s four voices again frantically talking over each other about what to do with me.

“Are you—okay, okay. Should we go to the bathroom?!” Alex’s freaking out. Poor him.

Meanwhile I think I officially have the worst taste in making decisions. I’m in last place in learning lessons. This should have never happened. It doesn’t matter anymore, but I know better.

“Yes!” Punz steps in, “take them!”

Those are the last words I can hear before I feel like silently I’m blacking out and spiralling into darkness.

The next time I gain some sort of consciousness is when someone is talking and gently caressing me. I’m on the floor again, and that floor is cold, which feels nice on my hot skin. I don’t know where I am now, or who is with me, but my head is too heavy to ask myself those questions. I want to lay here for a second and just catch my breath, before I catch myself triggering another wave of nausea.

I feel someone leave my side for a minute, before they come back and drape something warm over me, as I lie still, too sick to utter a word. And so there were no further words spoken, until they squeeze me tight and whisper, “are you okay? Please, for the love of fuckin’ everything, tell me you’re okay.”

Assuming they are talking to me, I nod. I’m getting there, I’m going to be fine. I think.

“Oh, thank God,” they whisper back, keeping their voice low, “tell me if you need anything and I’ll deal with it.”

I really need my bed. No more words are needed when they say everything with their touch, rubbing their fingers comfortingly against my skin where they are holding my arm. I take a sharp breath as I feel my stomach twist and turn again very unpleasantly and pray they don’t hear it, but they do.

“It’s okay,” they murmur quietly again, “is it okay that I’m here with you?”

I nod again.

I lost all track of time and place as I laid there in the silence. The silence seemed to be fulfilling enough for the person with me too, like keeping me company was the main reason they are here. By the way, I have no idea how long me and they have been here, wherever we are, but they never rush me. It never happens, no matter how many minutes of this night we are wasting.

Then it comes to the point of intoxication when I feel very swept up in emotions, like I had burned like a birthday candle that burns for joy, but now I’m burning out. I don’t even flinch when tears prickle my eyes and I start sniffling, as dramatic as it is. I really try to contain it, but my body doesn’t listen and wants to stir the pot and make me more of a mess. So I have no fight in me.

The person next to me doesn’t seem to mind as they lean down to fully capture me, their body radiating warmth against mine and hands urgently pressing wherever they could and stroking my back. Still no words said, but letting the actions speak. I know it’s not the right time or place for this, but when’s the last time someone has held me like this or would love this version of me? They keep me there tightly in place, tucked against their chest, giving my frame a few easing squeezes to tell me to take my time.

When they pull away, I whine in the loss of comfort they once brought.

“One more hug?” they ask me. As soon as I nod, we are back to cuddling there on the floor. It must not be so comfortable for them, but they put up with it, for me.

I’m startled to the core when I hear a door opening to the room we’re in, and a voice, “the car’s here. Ready whenever you are.”

That sounds a lot like one of Alex’s friends I met tonight.

The someone who’s still lying by my side tells them, “okay, great. Uh—we’ll be right out, okay?”

That sounds a lot like Alex.

Wait, so I’m still at Alex’s place, in his bathroom, and everyone is still here? I’m embarrassed. Cheers to the night I wish to forget. The only memory I wish to revisit tomorrow is Alex and his tendency to closely watch over me. He did more than what was enough and showed me something about him I haven’t seen before. I like the new highs he took me to, but I’m not going to like the come-down tomorrow.

I jolt somewhat awake when I’m being helped to stand up and then walked downstairs and put in the awaiting car. This ride is not going to be nice with an upset stomach like mine. I don’t have to worry about that for too long though, when I close my eyes and then I’m out like lights.

I wake up to sunlight peaking through the window, shining on my face. I don’t know anything, but I do know that I feel like hell, at least emotionally. My mouth is dry as ever and my body feels icky. It’s uncomfortable to a point, that I wish I could step out of my current skin and put on a clean, nice one that doesn’t hurt. I’m happy to make the observation that I’m in my bed and that I made it home last night, or, well, I must have made the absolute walk of shame home last night.

I don’t know how long I have laid here like the dead, it doesn’t feel that long at all since I was sick at Alex’s. Speaking of him, how will I ever speak to him again without wanting to die of embarrassment? I didn’t have much time to think about it, when my thoughts were diverted to something else; I’m wearing more clothes than I did when I left. I’m talking about the soft hoodie I still have draped over me, Alex’s hoodie that he lent me for comfort. Awkward. It’s so bad I wonder if it will ever get good again.

I’m scared to check my phone, I really don’t want to know or see anything right now that would make me feel worse, but I still check it. The time on the screen tells me that it’s 11:45 AM and that my friend had texted me not so long ago;

“Come to my place today! We’re having a partyyyy. I know you love those ;)” 11:34 AM

Right, it’s Saturday, of course they are having one. When it comes to this party and my invitation, I can’t even look at alcohol right now, not after the night I had. It’s the last thing I need to expose myself to and it’s almost inevitable.

No text from Alex, nothing. A part of me wishes to see him, to apologize and give back his hoodie, but I don’t know what he thinks of me anymore. I know it would be better to make the big step forward and own up to it, but I was so out of line last night that I’m honestly terrified to talk to him right now. He probably resents me. I do too, it’s almost inspiring. I might be weak and unstable, but at least I’m trying. He and what we have, it means too much to let it fall apart.

I went back to bed and texted my friend back, telling them about last night. Not all of it, but enough for them to know I feel vulnerable and psychically I’m not doing much better.

While I lay there in the silence I created, I let the memories from last night creep back, or the ones I can remember. The tender touches from him, the whispers that were all for me. The hold he had of me, like I was the only thing he wanted to touch. I have forgotten to miss his touch already when there’s still a mess I have yet to clean up and this time he won’t help me. He hadn’t signed up for taking care of me, but he still did and followed through like it was a contract. God, how will I ever make it up to him?

So, tonight’s party. I think I feel fine enough to go as long as I stay away from the drinks, stay there for an hour or two just to say hello to my friend, and then come straight back home and continue rotting in bed. It’s settled then.

I take a long, refreshing shower which soothes some part of me, but I still have this shame that doesn’t come off in the wash. That’s not how life works, unfortunately.

As I’m picking out an outfit, my phone pings to notify me of a text from Alex. Shit. I’m terrified to see what he has to say, but I know I have to take on my biggest enemy right now; the consequences of my actions. I don’t want to leave him hanging right now, so I read it immediately.

“Are you okay???” 1:34 PM

That’s all his text says.

Well, I have this shame in me that’s eating me alive, but other than that, I feel okay, I guess. This is why I sometimes hate texting, not being able to read people. I can’t tell if he’s mad or worried, or somewhere in between, and I don’t know how I deserve to be perceived right now.

“I’m okay, but so embarrassed I’m not even sure I can talk right now, but I know we need to.” 1:36 PM

He must’ve been waiting to hear from me, because it didn’t take him long to respond;

“No, it’s fine. Seriously don’t worry. I’m just glad you’re okay. It was an honour to take care of you ;)” 1:36 PM

Why would he say that? I can’t remember what I have done and am not sure if I want to know. And when it comes to him reassuring me this is fine, I want to tell him it’s not and that he has every right to be frustrated, but I don’t exactly want to go against what he is saying to me and argue. How will I win if I don’t want to fight?

“Stop, this is so embarrassing. Can’t wait to never be invited again.” 1:37 PM

I fairly wouldn’t be shocked if last night was my last night at his place. His lack of irritation and ability to brush things off has so far been surprising. I wonder if he really is okay and what is he doing today. Is he thinking about me, us, and what to do with me? He is not going to fire me over this, is he?

He replied shortly;

“Can’t wait to invite you again ;) What are you doing today?” 1:39 PM

Just like that, he read my mind.

“I’m actually going to a friend’s place, there’s a party BUT I am NOT drinking! Just wanna say hi and then bounce. Believe me, alcohol is the last thing I want right now. What are you doing?” 1:41 PM

I feel stupid now that I said it out loud, that I’m attending another party after last night. He must think I’m insane, if he already doesn’t.

My phone pings again to alert another text from him;

“Oh nice, don’t drink, I’m not there to save you ;) Doing nothing.” 1:44 PM

I’m just going to ignore those winky faces he keeps sending me and how they make me feel. Just when I thought things couldn’t get more weird between us, they do. I type;

“This is as embarrassing for me as it gets, but I still have your hoodie. Tell me when to return it!” 1:46 PM

“Oh, it’s no problem. Think you need it more than me ;)” 1:47 PM

He is acting like he’s the one out of his mind right now. Did we both get up on the wrong side of the world this morning and fell into some alternate universe where nothing feels real or makes sense?

I don’t know what came over me next when I typed before I could think;

“You wanna come with me to the party? I think we really need to talk.” 1:50 PM

I was terrified to check my phone when it had been a few minutes, and even more when I saw no reply from him. Why did I have to go and do that? Haven’t I been enough trouble for him already? I really need to think more and do less. Or, even better, I could have at least waited until Monday, when he’s going to text me anyway about work and the schedule for the week. It’s really not easy being me right now when I can’t stop screwing up and upsetting people, it seems like.

Next time I checked, he actually had replied;

“Needy smh, but what wouldn’t I do to see you ;) Tell me where and when.” 2:01 PM

He just said yes, as in I will see him very, very soon? This was an unexpected turn of events and I don’t know if we are heading for a dead-end here. I haven’t been this scared in a long time. This is what I wanted, but I think I underestimated myself.

I also made sure to text my friend and keep them in the loop, telling them I will be bringing him with me. I’m only doing this because I will not let him settle for anything less than a proper sorry. But sorry is just a word and not so simple, so what he decides to do with my apology, it’s up to him.

I got to the party before Alex did, which was lucky, because it meant I could have some time with my friend before he arrives. I know it’s not all fun and games when he gets here since we still need to talk about… well, last night and I’m not sure what kind of a conversation that will be. It if doesn’t kill me, it probably will make me wish it had. Will we work or hurt?

I soon spot my friend in the crowded living room that had been turned into a dance floor for the night. The reek of alcohol and the sight of it is enough to make my stomach turn. I’m never drinking again. I push myself through the crowd and tap my friend on the shoulder. They turn around, their eyes lighting up as they see me there.

“Do you want—right, you’re not drinking tonight!” they yell over the music.

I shook my head, “no way. I’ll be just hanging in the kitchen probably, you know, serving you drunks.”

“That’s fine! And hey! What were you last night then?!”

“An idiot.”

They shoot me a sympathetic look and nod again, changing the subject like the good friend they are. We catch up some more, before I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I know it before even checking that it’s Alex texting me, telling me he’s finally here.

“I’m going to find him now!”

My friend just dramatically grins and sends me on my way, “hurry up! Don’t let him get away!”

I make my way back outside, and once I get there I inhale the fresh air that doesn’t stink of alcohol, which washes off all that nausea. My gaze immediately fall on Alex as he stands there cooly, with his hands in his pockets. He really came here for me, or at least that’s what I want to think, but I’m afraid he’s not here to see me just to see me, but for something else.

I forget for a second that I’m supposed to feel ashamed when his face holds a mysterious grin that makes it hard to believe there has even been anything troubling him, “hi! Good to see you standing, literally.”

Okay, so maybe there’s a chance he will try forgiving me and maybe forget.

I gladly accept his hug, letting him pull me to his chest, feelinghisthumb softly rubbing my back as he holds me in place, “shut up, but I am too, but shut up.”

He laughs lightly, music to my ears, “you’re a fuckin champ, though, because—how the fuck are you even standing after that? I thought I was going to have to carry you to the hospital.”

Ashamed isn’t actually even the word for how I feel, it’s deep regret for what I put him through. If there’s any part of him that is mad at me, he is suppressing it very well, so well that I’m not sure he is letting me see it.

“I don’t know, but even thinking of alcohol makes me sick right now, so I think I’ll be hanging in the kitchen, playing the bartender.”

Alex grins at me widely again, his tongue darts out to lick his lower lip, before he admits, “it’s a shame, truly, that our time together was so limited. We didn’t even get to the good part.”

“Which was?”

“I don’t know, like we could’ve snuck to the pool. That would’ve been fuckin’ sick—sorry, I do apologize for my choice of words right there,” he shrugs, emphasising the word ‘sick’.

“Shut up or I’ll be sick on you the next time, whatever, goodbye,” I turn on my heel and walk inside, pretending to be annoyed and it didn’t take long that I heard him on my tail, following me inside.

“Next time?” he asks behind me, tickling my sides, “there will be a next time?”

I don’t need to look at him to know his eyebrows are quirked and that he’s wearing that stupid smirk again. It’s truly his favourite accessory whenever he’s around me, especially today when he has something new to tease me about. My head is hanging down as I’m trying to hide the smile creeping across my face from everyone passing by. They would never understand, when I can hardly understand how he makes me feel.

I kind of did take on a role of the bartender in the kitchen. You know, serving everyone who swings by whatever drinks they are looking for. Alex grabbed a seat and came to sit right by me, like I’m the only interesting thing here, or in the whole wide world.

“Sorry I forgot to bring your hoodie,” I blurt out. Better to get on with these apologies, there’s a long list to go.

It was his turn to roll his eyes, those eyes that held such care for me last night, “listen, that’s—it’s yours now. If you’re gonna give it back to me, I’m just gonna give it to you, you know that?”

Because friends totally keep each other’s clothes, right?

It’s like he could tell there was a lot on my mind as if he wanted to do something about it, “listen. Stop apologising or thinking you did something wrong last night and shit. I mean, I didn’t think either that you would find yourself in my arms, literally, but shit happens. Just let it go.”

“You know I was only there in your arms, because I quite literally passed out?”

“Yeah, sure,” he just grinned at me, like he wanted to believe that’s the real truth, “you seemed more awake when we… hugged and shit. Cuddled, even. It’s all good, I liked it too.”

I groan and cover my ears. So embarrassing.

I serve a few drinks to people, not exchanging a word or even a look with anyone else other than Alex. He is what matters.

“Wait, you have Snapchat? You should add me,” he leans back in his seat like he’s here for the long haul, already pulling out his phone.

“Ugh, really? You’re one of those guys?” I hate that stuff, I don’t really see the appeal and I don’t know if it would make any difference to what we do now, but for him, sure, I guess?

“Hey!” he straightens up looking up at me, extending his hand for my phone, “it’s a great fuckin’ app, okay? You just boom, boom, pow, and everyone knows what you’re doing.”

I give it to him without further complaints, expect for, “I don’t need everyone to know what I’m doing.”

“No, no. Just me,” he smiles smugly, softly brushing his hand against mine. I don’t know he meant to do it, but if not, then he’s real damn good at pretending and these happy accidents.

While I was handing out drinks, he is doing God knows what on my phone. There’s not a single word exchanged when he seems to look interested in whatever he’s finding there and I’m not bothered to intervene, just enjoying his company in all its forms, until he talks again, “yo, what the fuck is this? This don’t even look like you.”

He flashes my Bitmoji on the screen, just enough for me to get a glimpse of it. Yeah, I know, I really don’t care about that stuff or if it looks like me. I have never felt bothered to change it or customize it, so sue me.

“Oh, really?” I challenge him.

“Yeah, I could make that amazing, like—you’ll see. You’ve never looked better.”

Before he could get any more heated over this dumb debate, I agree and let him work his magic on my phone again. Meanwhile I try to steal glances at him of sitting with his head low, leaning on his knees. He’s so chill it almost gives me chills. I can’t believe we made it through what happened last night, or did we?

I let him mess with my phone while dealing with more drunk people looking for more drinks. I gave them what they wanted. Ugh, they’re gonna feel like hell tomorrow. After last night, I can’t look at drunk people the same way, sorry.

“There,” he slams the phone back on my hand.

I raise it up to my eyes, “what the hell?”

He had made me look absolutely ridiculous and freaky. This, if anything, does not look like me. Well, as long as he has fun.

“Thanks for making sure no one will ever talk to me again,” I tuck my phone deep in my pocket.

“They shouldn’t, you’re right. I think I should be the only one,” he lays his eyes on me again, raising his eyebrows challengingly and crossing his arms across his chest.

For an hour, he sat there with me, like the time had stopped for us and there was no hurry to be anywhere else. I understood a little bit better why many feel drawn to Alex, and how it’s his commentary on things that is rather entertaining. I just want to hear him talk and joke more. I noticed he had rolled his sleeves up at one point and now his other sleeve had fallen down due to his dramatic hand gestures. It was kind of adorable.

“I’m definitely not drinking ever again. I’m so glad I’m not one of these people here, they will feel like hell tomorrow,” I tell him after watching another drunken person stumble out of the kitchen, leaving the two of us alone again.

He suddenly seems concerned, a total shift in his mood, “are you sure you’re okay? Did you even throw up last night? Like, you know, you need to get that shit out of your system.”

I bury my head in my hands, “I don’t know, I don’t remember anything after I was put in that car. What was up with that though? Who drove me home? Whoever it was, I just want to tell them that I’m sorry for being such an idiot.”

He hurries to my comfort, “it’s okay! You don’t remember? I got my friend to pick us up, he drove you home and then drove me back to the house.”

“You were there, in the car? Why?” I was surprised. He didn’t have anywhere to go, since he was already home, so why would he be there?

“Holy shit, you really don’t remember a thing,” he tries to contain his laughter, “of course I had to be there with you, I mean, not to spark some memories, but you were quite literally all over the place and I feel like it was my duty to get you home, so I came along, which by the way turned out to be the right thing to do, since you kept passing out and leaning on me.”

I did? And he was there for me the whole car ride? Ignorance is bliss, but I wonder what made him do it. Was it his head or heart that made that decision? Is he hiding something to be considerate of me or is there something he is not telling me? I would do the same for him, though, but I’ll never tell him that, since we all have something to hide here.

“Oh God,” I groan in shame, “yeah, I don’t remember how I got home from the car, but I don’t think I want to even know. I know it will be embarrassing as hell.”

He seals his lips with his pointer finger, “okay, okay. I’m not telling you, unless you absolutely demand me to, but let’s just say that you were clinging on to me when I was walking you to the door like—”

“Stop!” I cover my face with my hands. This is so bad for me. I will never, ever hear the end of this.

Well, that was until our night came to an end when he told me he has to get going, since he had promised to stream later tonight. Safe to say I was disappointed, but duty calls for all of us sometimes and I can’t do anything to stop it.

I didn’t let him leave until I told him, “I can’t wait for the day when this will all be forgotten and we can go back to normal. I am so, so embarrassed.”

“You’re asking me to forget how it felt to have you all over me? You’re driving a hard bargain, I’m not sure I can do that,” he grins mischievously and reaches for my arms as I walk him to the door. This is hopeless, he is being impossible. Impossibly… flirty?

Hhe closes the distance between us to capture me in a quick embrace, wishing me a safe rest of the night, and then he is gone, vanishing into the night too soon for my liking like a figment of my imagination. For a second I really think if this is all just a really good book that we live in. He’s too good to be true sometimes and that’s what scares me. I think it’s safe to say I am free to move on from last night and that we are in the clear.

I had to really comb the whole living room in the hope of finding my friend, to tell them I’m out of here for good. Now that Alex’s gone, I feel like this place is dead and I have already overtimed my stay. I made my way through the dancing bodies, bumping into a few.

“Hey, who are you? Where did a beautiful thing like you come from?” says someone behind me. I know they’re talking to me, because I can feel them trying to grab my arm to slow me down. Not to my surprise, when I make them the favour of turning around, I see a guy I have never seen before. He wasn’t too drunk to function or to know what he’s doing, but definitely has more than a few drinks down.

“Uh…” I stutter, “I was just about to leave.”

He groans, “nooo, c’mon, stay! I’ll get you a drink if you stay and—”

“I don’t drink tonight, actually. I still have a killer hangover from last night, so I just came to say hello to a friend here,” I tell him firmly before he can finish that sentence. I don’t need to hear it, because my mind can’t be changed.

He seems taken aback and puts some space between us like someone will charge at him if he gets one more move wrong, “okay, I hear you, I respect that.”

Thank God. I smile in hopes that he lets me go on my merry way, until he tugs on me again, “hey, you’re not interested at all? Like, can I get your number at least? I swear I’m not a creep, but you’re really, really beautiful, and I’d like to know you. That’s all.”

He raises his hands up in surrender as to prove his innocence to me and I internally want to roll my eyes. I thought he might have been cool and all and and then he raises a red flag. Nothing good ever starts with what he said, ‘I’m not a creep, but…’. He seems harmless, even a little nervous to be talking to me, which almost makes me feel flattered. Almost. He is innocent until proven guilty. Hope it’s not a dead-end case.

Before I can pick him apart any more in my head, I agree to his deal and he seems to notably cheer up, “awesome. Thanks for giving a guy like me a chance, it’s not every day I get this lucky.”

Save those compliments for the date, I’ve already said yes, I thought. That said ‘date’ though, all I’m saying is that I won’t be mad if it never happens. I’m not particularly excited to possibly see him again, but I rather take the risk than the regret of what could’ve been.

I just smile again when we quickly exchange numbers, and then I leave. It’s unlucky I can’t see my friend anywhere, so I just text them on my way out that I’m leaving. They wish me good night. I

Ever since that weekend, I felt the universe shift again for me. I know I say that a lot, but something really changed between me and Alex, like someone had wiped our slates clean and tied our souls together into a pretty bow. Or maybe it was because of that damned Snapchat, he definitely has used it to his advantage and sent me stuff all day and night, telling me where he’s going or what’s he doing, like he wants me to know his every move. Whatever it is that we’re doing, I kind of don’t want it to stop. I want to hear more from him, see more of him, and if this helps the case, then so be it. I want to give this my best.

Work has been okay, actually more than okay, now that I finally know him the way I have wanted. Sometimes he calls me while I’m working and we go over some bits together and laugh about them, or he tells me about the game he has been playing lately and I try hard not to get distracted. If I’m having a tough day, he always manages to put me back together. It was not so long ago when I still felt like walking on eggshells around him, like I was desperately just trying hard to make a good impression on him, but now we ask all the deep questions and keep each other up all night talking about anything and everything. It’s weird how fast things have fallen into place with him.

Just like today, when I finished work and was almost expecting him to blow up my phone again for no particular reason. I actually can’t wait to hear from him. My phone did eventually ping to alert a text, but my smile fell when I saw it wasn’t a text from him, but from a number I don’t recognise nor have saved;

“Hey. Still up for that date, I hope? How about tomorrow?” 5:32 PM

A date? With who?

“I’m so sorry, who is this?” 5:34 PM

“It’s me from the party! You didn’t drink back then, but I wondered if you’d like to go out, I mean you did say yes after all. Unless something came up?” 5:35 PM

Oh, it’s him, from my friend’s house party. Tomorrow is Saturday after all, if it happens it will happen tomorrow. I don’t know if I exactly feel like wasting a perfectly good Saturday night on him when there’s endless potential for it, but I guess one date won’t hurt, so I tell him;

“Oh sure, tomorrow is fine. Text me the time and place?” 5:38 PM

“Great, there’s this restaurant I think you’d like, I’ll text you the address. How about at 7PM?” 5:39 PM

How does he think he knows me already? I’m just going to go along and hope for the best, whatever the best here is.

“Sounds good to me!” 5:40 PM

It was 6.15 PM when I left the house the next day for this so-called-date. He had kindly offered to pick me up, but I told him I’d rather meet him there.

The restaurant looked promising, at least on the outside. I don’t even remember the last time I went out to eat, now that I think of it. I definitely didn’t in a million years think my next time would be with someone I barely know, an actual date. He didn’t seem to care too much about the finer things, so I’m surprised this is the kind of place he decided to choose for us tonight, but I appreciate the effort. I’m lucky if I even remember what he looks like and if we find each other in this parking lot.

I was there, leaning against the wall and looking around, until I saw a silhouette of someone I think I recognise getting out of a car. I’m pretty sure it’s him and he confirmed my suspicion by smiling at the sight of me and waving, making his way over.

“Hello there,” he greeted me politely, “let’s get inside and see what this place is all about, shall we?”

I nodded and let him lead the way. How bad could this be?

It was a few steps to the door that opened up a bustling, dim space for our eyes. I could barely make out what he was telling me, but I figured it was something about finding our table. I just nodded and went along with him as we walked further inside.

“How did we, or you, manage to get this table tonight?” I asked him when he found an empty booth and we made ourselves comfortable in it. I mean, this place is packed and if I saw correctly, there was a small queue outside that we were able to just waltz past.

“Well,” he blushed a little under the yellow light, coming from the lamp hanging above our table “I booked this for us on the same night when you gave me your number. I’m sorry—I probably went ahead of things a little, but I couldn’t let this opportunity go.”

“Oh, that’s fine.”

At least he’s honest.

“Okay,” he smiled at me as if relieved, “good.”

A waitress came by to get our drink orders first. I decided to settle for one glass, he did too, and then we fell into small talk.

“So, what is it about you? Why are you ‘you’?” he questioned me.

Well, that’s one way to ask for my story.

I cleared my throat and thought about how much do I exactly want to share, before telling him about my studies. That’s always a good place to start, right? He kept nodding while listening to me, occasionally letting out approving sounds. Not that his opinion on what I should do or should’ve done matters too much. I asked him the same question in return, and that’s when he went into great detail about his life. Wow, I would’ve never guessed he’s so... educated and wealthy. A guy like him just doesn’t look like someone that walks around with such riches and glories like it’s nothing. Guess I could have not been more wrong about him.

If Alex was here, he would definitely crack more jokes and never make me feel less than I am—stop! Why am I thinking of him right now?

He kept rambling, not stopping even for a second when our drinks and food got placed down in front of us and we dug in, “I don’t want to brag, but I could change your life too if you gave me a chance. I have everything anyone could ever want and you look like you could use some of that.”

I wanted to roll my eyes, because that’s exactly what he’s doing this whole time; bragging. It’s not the lifestyle I’m interested in nor do I need it from him. I suddenly feel very content with the simple life I have, I don’t need any of those things that he’s trying to force on me.

As I was sipping from my glass, I could already imagine if Alex was here, how he would definitely steal some food from my plate and then act offended when I call him out for it and how we would make fun of pretentious people like my date. On the other hand, I need to stop thinking about him so much and stop looking at life through him and manage on my own for once.

We chat more between bites and gulps, mostly about him or the more serious stuff and the future, things that I didn’t really feel the want to discuss on a Saturday night or if ever, especially on a first date. I mean, we’re so young, what’s the rush planning the rest of our lives right this second?

I let out a few forced laughs here and there at his stories about his trips around the world, laughs that I never had to force with Alex. I felt almost ill at one point, like my gut was telling me something and I wasn’t listening. It didn’t get any better when he fell deeper and deeper into the same cycle of boasting himself and convincing me that he’s the greatest I will ever find. I think he should just date himself at this point.

He eventually slows down, “that was something, wasn’t it? Are you impressed, you don’t look impressed? What about you? What do you think you want to do?”

“Um,” I gulp, “I don’t know.”

“Hm,” he thinks out loud, “you could do so much more than you do right now. I’m not saying you could be as good as I am, these kind of things only happens to the few. I’m just the lucky one, but I think it would be good for you to give me a chance. You don’t need to be miserable for the rest of your live, when you could be happy with me.”

Oh God, I just want this to stop. How would he know what’s good for me and that I’m miserable with how life is going for me when in fact I am not? I mean, I am absolutely miserable right now here with him, but as soon as I get out of here I’ll be the happiest I have ever been and will go on living my perfect life that he won’t ever see. It’s perfect because it’s all mine and no-one else’s.

I nod just to get him to shut up, but as soon as I think it’s over, he looks like he’s eager and ready to delve into another story about himself. I sit there finishing up my food, occasionally listening to him, occasionally shamelessly thinking about Alex again. It’s a scary thought, how attached I feel to Alex all of a sudden. Maybe it’s moments like this, when I realise how good he is to me, so if nothing, at least this date gives me some new perspective on him and how he is the only beautiful thing in this ugly world. I can’t believe there ever was a me without him.

We finish our plates just as he comes to an end on his story. I wonder if he timed that somehow and hope he doesn’t see through my facade and figure it out that I wasn’t paying much attention.

To my luck, he’s just all smiles, “thanks for listening. Now I guess it’s all up to you how you feel.”

Yeah, I’m not feeling much of anything.

He pays for us, at least he is a gentleman, and then we get up. I’m the one leading us outside this time. We stand there in the dark parking lot and he asks me if I need a ride home. I hastily lie again and tell him that I have a friend to pick me up, you know, any excuse just to walk away alone.

He seems to believe it and asks me instead, “so, will I see you again?”

Now’s the time for me to be honest. I shake my head, “sorry, I don’t think so,” and leave swiftly, but not without shooting him a sorry look. I don’t know exactly what I’m sorry for, I’m sorry for myself if anything. Almost everything he said tonight was uncalled for, I deserve something better.

As I make it far enough to not to be in his sight anymore, I fish my phone out of my pocket. It’s only 9:35 PM, I see.

Before I can exactly control myself, I dial Alex’s number.

“Too drunk again?” he picks up, a taunting smirk evident in his voice.

Oh, how lovely it is to hear his voice, and just like that, he immediately makes me want to laugh the realest I have laughed the entire night. All it takes is really nothing from him to make me feel like this. It’s so easy for him to make me happy.

“Ugh, yeah,” I pretend to slur, “I went on this crappy date and drank for my misery the whole time.”

“You did?” he asks, sounding surprised, “I mean—what’s the truth? Did you really?”

“Yeah, I actually did.”

“No fuckin’ way,” his breath hitches for a second, “with who? You don’t know anyone.”

I laughed again, because he genuinely sounds like it’s news to him that I actually can go out and hang out with someone else other than him, “so you’d think, because I’m pretty sure I was just sitting at a restaurant with this guy, who, by the way, was—”

He rushes to interrupt me before he hears too much, “okay, okay! I get it, fuck. What the fuck—is this why you’ve been so quiet today?”

He’s right, we have not talked much today but I didn’t think it would concern him much, but now he makes it sounds like I should be behind bars for neglecting him for a day.

“Calm down, bucko. I didn’t even get to the good part, which is that I’m not interested in him and hope I never see him again.”

“Huh,” he exhales, “that bad?”

“Yeah… not the worst, but I didn’t have the best time either.”

“What happened? Why was he an asshole?” he inquired, almost defensively.

“Okay, imagine someone rich and successful—”

“Yeah, me,” he interrupts me again.

I shushed him through my giggles, “—and they just make it about themselves the whole time, like you didn’t have to come all this way just to tell me that you think you’re better than me.”

He groans in response, “yeah, definitely an asshole. What the fuck were you even doing there?”

“Well, I thought it’d be fun, you know, as you usually expect from dates, but it’s not every time you get lucky, I guess.”

“Yeah, that’s why there’s only one of me,” he states.

I laughed again, “right. But, I’m definitely over it, so you don’t need to worry your little mind. The only thing you need to worry about is when will I see you again before the next date candidate comes along and steals me away again.”

“As you should, as you fuckin’ should be over it. That shit doesn’t sound like worth anyone’s time, especially not yours. I’ll see you next Friday, it’s settled, alright?”

This made me feel a whole lot better, I can’t lie. He’s so easy to be happy around, he doesn’t try too hard to be funny and that’s what makes him funny. I think he’s one of those people who I could list good things about for days. One of those people who constantly celebrates you like it’s your birthday every day. Someone who knows what you need before you know it yourself.

“I love how you know exactly what I need and want and how I should spend my time,” I tease him. What if he is that someone?

“I do. I have something for you that will surely make you feel better, wait.”

“Okay...” I will wait. I have no idea what he could have up his sleeve now, but I think I will be pleasantly surprised, like I always am with him.

All I hear next is rustling and him murmuring to himself as if setting up something or moving something heavy. It went on for a minute, before I heard him loud and clear again and what sounded like him placing the phone down, “so, I have this piano, I don’t know if you knew but… I haven’t played it in a long fuckin’ time anyway.”

I didn’t know that. I don’t know what it has to do with anything, but I will trust the process.

He starts playing and talking in a voice so obnoxious that it makes me cringe for a second, “if you could see that I'm the one who understands you, been here all along, so why can't you see? You belong with me—I'm in the room—in my room, I don’t know—it's a typical Tuesday night—a Saturday night, actually—I’m listening to the kind of music he doesn't like, and he'll never know your story like I do—something like that.”

I don’t know what is going on here, I mean it’s pretty obvious that he’s trying to lift my spirits that were stomped to the ground, but where is this coming from? All jokes aside, he’s pretty good at playing, but of course I don’t dare to tell him. Even if this is not genuine, I’m not mad about it, at least it’s something to laugh about, but if he’s this good when he’s not even being serious, I wonder how good he could be when he wants to be good.

When he decides he’s done, it’s silent until I speak. He seems to be amused by how I’m struggling to make sense of this and laughs loudly, still playing random keys in the background, “yeah, that’s a good fuckin’ song, okay? It’s just straight up disrespectful if it doesn’t make you feel better. Like, I’m sorry I can’t write that shit myself, but I’m still here trying to make the most of it for you.”

For the rest of my way home we talk about nonsense and laugh, it’s what we do best. I try my best to keep good company, even though I’m not able to get back my mind that I had lost on him earlier and I hope for the best that it’s not too obvious that my mind is somewhere else, literally. Will I ever know the truth behind what he did, did he really mean it? Whatever the truth is; will it hurt, is it going to be worth knowing?

After we hang up the phone, I stare at the screen like it would tell me all the answers. That was one hell of a night.

He seemed to be completely oblivious to everything the following weeks. Work was as usual, except that it almost had became a ritual for us to see each other every Friday night. It felt dangerous, like I could finally live instead of just exist, it was living between existing. I lived in ways I had never before and no one knew, no one but me and him, but I liked it like that. We would hang out at his place most of the time, I would keep him company and he would keep all of my secrets. His place felt like a hideaway from the real world, most of the time I even forgot there was a real world out there, it felt like it was just us two. We spent time talking about anything and killed time doing much of nothing when there was nothing to talk about. Nonetheless, all time spent with him was time well spent.

As I was on my way to his place one Friday night, I had a different feeling about it as I typically do. Last week had been busy, maybe it was the stress catching up to me. I made it to his door, knocking, waiting until he appeared behind it, looking a bit disheveled. We greeted each other and he let me in.

I was touching up in the front of the bathroom mirror when he barged in, “I was thinking—“

I looked at him through the reflection, silently asking him to keep going.

“—we could go down to the pool now. I can see it from the window, there’s literally no one in there right now.”

“We can?” I asked in surprise. I mean, I’m really not surprised about it being empty, it is almost 9 PM, but I for sure would think that it’s closed at this hour. Isn’t that what he has told me before, when his friends were here too and we asked to go there but he said no, because it closes for the night?

“Yeah!” he cheered, “why not? It’s always open for residents. I know I might’ve said last time that it’s closed at nights, but it’s technically not. I just wanted to—I don’t know—be there with you, not them.”

I’m not sure what he means by wanting to exclude the others, or why he suddenly seems hesitant to even look at me, or why he sounds like his guard is down and he struggled to say those words out loud, but I shrug it off.

“Okay,” I agree, “but I wasn’t exactly prepared for this, I didn’t bring anything.”

If I would’ve known this was on the agenda for tonight, I could have been more prepared, but he is so full of surprises and spontaneousness that I shouldn’t be surprised. One of the many things I have learnt about him so far, I wonder if I will learn more tonight at the pool.

“No, no,” he waved me off, “I got it all.”

He walked over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle, “I have this left from… that night. Is this okay? Just something chill.”

I agree to it, knowing exactly the night he means. He has learned not to poke anymore holes into my remorse than I already have. It’s something we just have moved past.

I watch as he runs around grabbing the keys and the bottle and also two glasses from the cupboard, and then we’re off.

The air at the pool almost stood still, it was so quiet and calm. The moon hit the surface of the water right, making it illuminate before our eyes. I pried my eyes off of it just to see the stunning night sky above us. I suddenly felt small in this world and overwhelmed by how that sky is black, apart from the hundreds of stars, but I’m only seeing colours when I’m here with him. There’s so much beauty in this world that I will never get to see all of it, but this moment makes up for it; the way the universe is kind enough to always stay beautiful to make moments like this more beautiful. Or maybe I just fell for him and got a concussion that’s making me see stars and colours. One or the other.

We sit down on the side of the pool, making ourselves comfortable. He pops the bottle open and pours us both a full glass.

“This is nice. If I could I’d be here every night,” I broke the comfortable silence. ‘Nice’ is definitely an understatement, but I don’t want to overwhelm him like I’m overwhelming myself.

He grinned and swirled his glass, “well, who says you can’t?”

“You, realistically.”

He looked surprised as he gulped down some, “the fuck? You can come over here anytime you want, okay? You know that?”

“Yeah, I know.”

There’s never a point in arguing with him when it comes to… well, me. Like how he always wants me around and if I can’t be there with him, he always makes sure I know I’m at least on his mind by blowing up my phone, asking me how am I. Yeah, I told you; we’ve come far from where we started.

We had a few glasses and talked, a lot. The night got darker as we got lost in endless conversations. I usually forget a lot of things, but I’ll never forget this night, I’m sure of that. It’s the way our minds and words merge together like missing parts, creating an entirety of mutual understanding that only makes sense to us.

As he eventually laid down on the concrete to relax himself and I decided to join him, the view of the luminous sky was undeniably impeccable from this angle. I could still hear the soft sounds of the pool too, the sound of the water gently splashing against the walls, that made me want to close my eyes. There are so many things to be happy about right now, but I’m thinking; what is it that we’re doing here? Are we crossing lines or are we just friendly? Why am I here every Friday night if it’s all innocent? Do I even want to feel like that about someone? Everything is good as it is, so why ruin a good thing like I’m doing right now. But if it’s not him in the end, then who?

I think I’m going through the melancholy you get in this position, when it’s late at night and you think too hard about the world and you get a bit sad and apprehensive about everything.

“The same person that’s destined for you or cares for you or will become your everything someday could be looking at the same moon right now. Isn’t that insane?” I don’t even know what I said that, I didn’t mean to get so sentimental. I still don’t seem to know how deep is too deep.

He sounded tense, “it is, yeah.”

It didn’t sound like him at all. Where’s the laughs and the jokes that are more like him? I was almost expecting him to laugh at me and call me out for being too philosophical for his liking, but he didn’t. It made me nervous.

I turn to look at him as he seems to turn away. It gives me no answers. I think the silence is the loudest and clearest answer here. I’m not sure what happened in the span of these few minutes and why are we now acting like we don’t know each other at all?

When he finally turns to me, I see a look on his face that I have never seen before. He looks almost emotionless. I know he knows this is getting weird and I don’t know anymore who’s to blame, I fear it’s me. There has never been a better time for him to quiet my fears than right now. I just wish he would.

Is this the moment for the inevitable hurt when something goes awfully wrong? Whatever it is, whatever will come out of his mouth next, will change something, change us. I’m sure of it.

“Can I ask you something?” he finally stutters. It’s so quiet I can barely hear it. I wonder how loud it must be in his mind.

“Yeah, anything.”

He laughed sadly, “yeah, anything but what I’m about to ask you.”

It can’t be that bad, can it?

“What is it?” I urge him to tell me.

He abruptly sits up, looking afraid of God knows what, his head slumped, looking very stiff and uncomfortable in his own skin. He has never been the one to run when the heat turns up and it scares me how much he looks like he’s just planning his escape from this situation right now. I want to be there for him so bad, to reassure him that everything is okay, but I settle for silence. I’m not sure what to say to him when he’s acting like this, it’s my first time hanging out with this side of him. So we just sit there, I’m literally counting the seconds, because I don’t know what else to do with my thoughts nor how to sort them.

He finally gets it together and sits up straight, “sorry—can I kiss you?”

Is that really what he wants? Does he know this could make us or break us? One move wrong and we fall apart. But, why do I want to say yes? I thank the lucky stars that it’s dark here, so he can’t completely see my face, I know I look as dumbfounded as I feel. I felt a rush of energy, I’m not sure what kind of energy it is yet.

“Yes,” I slyly give him my verbal consent and sit up.

“Holy shit, yes—really?” he slurred, almost as if he was drunk on this.

When I nodded to confirm his question, it didn’t take him long at all to slot our lips together confidently, like he has thought this over before. I wonder if he has. I’d like to find it in me to ask him some time, but for now now our mouths are busy pressing and massaging against each other over and over again.

It felt like a movie with fireworks, like that whole Hollywood blown-way-out-of-proportion magic. I think moments like this, that are like something out of a movie, only happens to you once in your lifetime and I don’t regret one bit spending mine on him.

Excuse my language, but shit got very real when he wrapped his other arm around me and deepened the kiss. It felt new and breathtaking. I’m pretty sure that he could make all my dreams come true overnight. Maybe that’s my head and the adrenaline running through my veins talking, but if this is already the dream, then I don’t want to wake up ever.

We slowly pull away, so slowly that it feels like for a moment we are one, and it takes a while for him to come back to reality and take his hand off of me. I want to tell him that it’s okay and that he can keep it there, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk just yet. My lips feel like they’ve been claimed for more important things, like they should never be used for any other purpose ever again than kissing him. He remained silent too and I wonder if he feels the same. I felt wildly flustered again as I thought about the possibility of me in his thoughts. I was even more flustered when I realised how much I want to do that again, but I’m not sure how much is too much. We’ve already crossed one line, so what’s another one?

He seemed to know it too and make it known that I was there, in every corner and place of his mind, when he looked into my eyes and whispered the only words that matters, “was that okay—did you like it? I liked it.”

“More than okay,” I reassured him, “I liked it so much that I’d like to do it again.”

Relief washed over his face and his eyes gained their usual whimsical twinkle back as he nods and cups the back of my neck and brings his mouth down to mine. It was even better than the first time, as he made me putty in his hands.

“What if it’s me?” he whispers against my lips.

I pull away and knit my brows, “what?”

He laughs freely, “sorry. You were just going on about that shit about the moon and I was here next to you thinking how much I care for you and I don’t think you know it. Like, I’m right fuckin’ here.”

I’m not sure if my concept of care is the same as his, if he thinks it like I think of it. But, I can’t complain when he’s here pouring his heart out to me after everything.

“I… don’t know what to say, other than I care about you too, a lot. I just didn’t expect to find it in you tonight.“

He quiets down, “it’s okay. We don’t need to talk about it right now. I just wanted you to know that if you can’t find whatever you’re looking for, it’s because you already have it, it’s me.”

And there he goes again, turning into a cocky little tease.

“Yeah, I’m done talking,” I pretend to roll my eyes.

Big mistake, because he plays along and doesn’t lose the smirk off his face, “are you, now? I’ll spare you talking, if you let me.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

And then, kind of to my surprise, he pulls me in for endless kisses. I don’t know what I expected, but it caught me off guard how brave he is all of a sudden with his words, his hands, his lips, all of it. But, I like it, the confidence.

In the end he grabs our glasses and the empty bottle and asked if we should go back up since it was getting chilly. I agreed, because it was and I was dressed fairly lightly, no matter how bad I wanted to stay here with him. Those were one of the few words we exchanged as we made our way back upstairs. We left the pool just like we had come, as friends and nothing more, I guess. On the outside we appear normal, you would never guess there is something wrong, but on the inside we both know we had taken some damage. Repairing that would cost us facing things and questions that we are not ready to see just yet. Only time will tell the answers, I think.

He opened the front door and we were immediately engulfed by the warm air. It was dark in the apartment, until he switched on the lights, creating a dim atmosphere for us. I don’t know what is happening next, am I supposed to just go home now?

“I have another question for you,” he told me in the kitchen, setting our glasses down, “you remember that piano I have? I wanna show you something.”

Oh God, how much more can I take for one night?

Nonetheless, I nodded, “yeah, sure, but you don’t have to impress me anymore.”

I think he has done enough tonight to show me how he feels. I do regret saying that when I see him grin at me over his shoulder, like he is back to his usual self again that lives for teasing me, “what, like you’re fuckin’ hopelessly in love with me already? This is it, like—you want my last name now or later?”

I try to act as unfazed by his comment as I possibly can as I follow him into his room and then there he is, anxiously messing with his piano, while I just stand and watch. He didn’t have me waiting for too long when he spoke again, “I can do better than the last time you heard me playing this bad boy.”

I played the memory of him singing to me on the phone back in my mind and laughed.

“Okay, if you insist,” I told him, leaning back against the wall, letting him do his thing.

“Yeah,” he agrees, “I don’t know what this will make me sound like, but I learned something that I think you will like and appreciate. You will, right?”

“Sure. It sounds like you’re hopelessly in love.”

I should know he is always one step ahead of me and that I can’t win, because he grins again as his eyes shift back to me, “there is hope. You’re still here.”

What is he doing to me?

Instead of more words, he let the music speak for itself and started playing. It didn’t take me long to recognise the song; You Belong With Me. Now, this makes it feel like he’s playing along to whatever joke this is, but as I stand there and watch him, I notice how much more serious he sounds. Of course I don’t dare to look at his face, I’m scared I might see through him, see his heart and soul and subconscious thoughts, see something that will change my mind about us, that maybe he is wishing non-existing things into existence, like us. Maybe this means more to him that I think it does. When I think I have him figured out, I realise I don’t. But I can’t exactly figure out myself either right now.

One thing I think I know for sure right now is that I feel something for him that I haven’t before. It’s when I see him like this, like he’s in his element, like music is the language he has wanted to speak to me all along. This is a total new side of him I have not had the pleasure of seeing before. I wonder if I’m really this special to him that he would do this, do something that most people would consider even romantic.

And… it’s kind of even attractive how he plays.

“That was nice...”

“Yeah? Just ‘nice’?”

“You know what I mean,” I try to divert my gaze when I feel my face flush.

“Hm, tell me,” he rolls over to me in his chair and looks up at me. So many times I have seen those eyes, but now he stares at me so intensely I can almost see all the worlds and all the lives he has lived before. Maybe I knew him in another life and that’s why things are unfolding like they are right now, everything all at once.

“Fine! I think it was kind of… cute, and… I don’t know where all of that came from, but I think it made me think that maybe you were right. That you do things to me that no one else can.”

Wow, look at me being confident and speaking my mind. Never happens.

“‘Really now?” he smiles smugly, raising his eyebrows, ”fuckin’ finally. And you… you think I was cute too, huh? Just ‘cute?”

I sigh out loud, “fine. It was hot, okay?”

I think I went too far. I think that was too much. Maybe I have had too much to drink again. But no, I do know how I feel.

His smirk doesn’t falter, and it’s my time to yelp when he suddenly makes the move to pull me on his lap. This is a whole new sensation. And what happened then? We got greedy again with our mouths and hands and each other. Endless sweet touches and kisses, as I stay seated on his lap. It was innocent as we still got used to the feeling of feeling each other this close.

We soon wrap up the night and I decide it’s time for me to go home and I actually couldn’t wait to be alone with my thoughts. I have a lot to think over, or maybe I’ll just fall into daydreams about him and this night instead. Tonight’s moment are going to be the rest of my life’s memories, and I can revisit those memories whenever I want to. He walks me to the door, we don’t really talk about what happened or what will happen next, instead he just settles for pulling me into a hug. His grip on me, that’s tighter than ever before, tells me everything I need to know, that he doesn’t want this to end here.

All he asks me as I’m about to walk out is “will we do this again?”, holding onto my arm, not willing to let me slip away before I can answer his burning question, whatever he means by ‘this’.

I just grin, “maybe.”

I still want to play a little hard to get after all this time, see what his intensions are and if he will keep fighting for me and my time. Now, I don’t actually mean any harm by that and I definitely want this to happen again, I just still feel like I have to preserve some self-respect and not be an easy target. Then I walk off.

The following week brings that painful tension between us and all I can think about is if we made a mistake at the pool and if I’m his brand-new regret. I’m trying to keep that thought out of my head, but it’s hard, because when it comes to work and talking with him, there’s so much tension there that I’m just dreading the moment when the heat turns up and it all sets on fire. I don’t know what will be left of us once that happens.

It wasn’t until a few more weeks had passed until it really settled in my chest, this hollow feeling, when something unexpected happens: he starts giving me the silent treatment. Something I never expected him to do, and unfortunately, I’m think I’m partly to blame. The night at the pool made things weird. If I think hard enough back to that night, it almost feels like a movie how he made the first move and unveiled both of ours wants for each other, but it ends as soon as I open my eyes and face the reality where he flipped the script and fleed. He had made me feel like I was flying that night, now I’m flying and getting motion sick.

I try texting him;

“Is everything okay? I need to talk to you.” 9:35 PM

He doesn’t respond. I wonder if he’s sleeping soundly meanwhile I’m staying up all night.

Eventually I’m so tired I just fall asleep, my phone next to my head.

No text from him in the morning, or the morning after that.

I keep trying with a different approach;

“Pretty bored today, what are you up to? Unless you want me to get a head start and work on that stuff today already? Or unless you are up for some chatting :)?” 11:39 AM

To my surprise, he replies, but it’s not the side of him I was hoping would to come to the phone;

“No” 11:52 AM

If I’m not careful, I will get cut by the sharp edges of his tone even when there’s no reason for it. Maybe he doesn’t mean it like that, maybe he’s stressed and unintentionally took it out on me. I read the text again like a chant and wear it like a warning label. I didn’t know it would get to me like this, but I feel like I need to write it on me to warn people like him to watch their temper around me.

I text him one final thing before getting on with my day, even though I have a peculiar feeling he won’t reply;

“Okay. Let me know when you’re free to talk!” 11:55 AM

I was right, for the rest of the day and night, he’s silent.

If I thought one day of his silence was loud, nothing could have prepared me for Alex disappearing from my life for a whole week and then two. He had brought us back to life just to leave like a ghost halfway through the good part of our story. It doesn’t make sense. Reality hurts too bad right now, I wish I could leave like he did.

It was a text after another that I kept sending him, not even expecting a reply anymore but I still do it;

“Are you ok?” 7:52 PM

I wish I didn’t care so much, but I do. I thought we were getting along just fine, more than fine. That’s why it hurts.

My friend does keep me in check from that day on and blows up my phone with happy texts constantly, like they know somehow that I need a friend right now. Those are the only texts I seem to receive these days, so it was a real shocker when one day my phone buzzed with a text from Alex;

“Can we meet? Maybe by the park?” 1:15 PM

Oddly enough, I know the park he means. It’s the one next to where he lives that you can partly see from the living room window, the one I always walk past whenever I’m on my way to his. I think it’s the real oasis of this city, somewhere where the birds never stop singing and it’s always evergreen. I think that will change today. I’m never going to see that park in the same light again. I hope I’m wrong.

I throw on some clothes and then I’m out the door.

When I arrive at the park, he’s already there. Whatever it is that he wants to tell me, he must want to get it over with fast. When he looks like he doesn’t even want to look at me, I look at the sky and wish there’s an alternate universe somewhere up there where this is not happening, where everything is still okay.

I sit there next to him, nearly not as close as I used to would. The park looks ethereal as always, especially on a summer day like this it’s like a paradise, but you know what they say; even the sun sets in paradise.

He sits there next to me in heavy silence, before taking a deep breath and telling me with his head in his hands, “listen, this whole thing—I’ve had fun, but…”

I’m just waiting for him to say it, that this was all a mistake.

He finally continues, “I’m just thinking about shit and turning shit over in my head. I like what has happened so far, but there’s just no dating—or being with someone like you. It’s so much more complicated than that.”

He said the d-word. Fuck. He’s braver than me.

I don’t dare to interrupt when he keeps going, “I mean, you’re amazing, but it’s like—that’s the thing; you deserve someone that’s sure of what they want and don’t leave you hanging. For me, it’s like, I date or I don’t; I don’t do anything in between. And right now, I’m not sure what I want. You with me?”

He checks in with me and I just nod. I think I understand and I think I’m the same. Neither of us are cut out for casual dating, it has to be the real thing or nothing. And making the decision if we are ready for the real thing, I don’t know if we, or I, can make that decision right now after all. He also keeps dropping this d-word like it’s nothing. I guess this is the calm before the storm.

“And—yeah, there’s not just dating, or committing to someone like you. People like you are so deserving of things I’m not sure I can give you. Maybe that’s just my insecurities talking, but I mean this as wholeheartedly as I can and hope you remember it. You deserve someone who deserves you, as simple as that, and I don’t know if I do right now, or ever.”

Wow, he really dug to the bottom of his feelings and found some gold there, and even shared some of it with me.

I finally find my voice and some words to make sense of it all, “that’s—I’m very glad you told me that. I agree, there’s no telling who really deserves something the most, but I know you deserve good things too and I feel… very overwhelmed, but happy to know you see me as one of those. No matter what happens next, I think things have already changed between us, and maybe that means that the worst part is over, but I guess all we can do is keep going like before and see where we end up?”

He nods and croaks out, “yeah. That would be great. I need to get my own shit together first, like I don’t wanna be one of those fuckin’ people when I say this, but it’s not you. It’s me. I just want to be the best for you, but for now, I can only be your friend. Just like before.”

I’m glad we had this conversation after all, but still feel a little pang in my chest when we agree on staying like we were before, like there is no promise or guarantee we will ever make it as anything more. It’s better than nothing though. Now we just need time. Time for if nothing else, the sun setting in our paradise.

There’s nothing that time and sleep can’t fix. Just a few days ago when I had the talk with Alex, I felt almost explosive, like if someone would have said the wrong things or made me upset in any way, I would have just exploded and spilled my feelings all over the place. There was more for me to process that I was able to take, but now I feel fine. We had a mature conversation, and I have a clearer vision of his feelings now. No more second guessing or doubting, or getting mad over literally nothing.

Work feels fine again, because at least that awkward tension is mostly gone, but we don’t talk as freely as we used to. That’s what happens when you’re not careful and spill your cup of romance all over your work.

I still nevertheless happily tell my friend about it over coffee. I didn’t mean to talk about it right there, in broad daylight, in a crowded cafe, but I did.

“So,” I tell them, “we did make up—I mean, there was no bad blood to begin with. I was just being dramatic, like you told me.”

“Yeahhh, I told you! I knew it,” they rolled their eyes at me from across the table, “no need to get all fired up if someone just—what did he tell you? Why did he do it? He was just busy, or?”

“Yeah, pretty much. He was just... busy. Yeah,” I have never sounded more shady.

I know I still can’t blow my cover. This thing will be kept tightly under wraps until it feels right to discuss it with other people. I’m also that good of a person that I want his approval to share anything.

As I feared, my friend doubts me, “really? Is that really all? What are you not telling me?”

Digging a deeper hole for myself, I stutter, “yep! I just—I was really expecting there to be something, so I was just surprised that—you know, it wasn’t something I did. You know me, I’m paranoid like that, I don’t exactly like that about myself either.”

I was hoping this conversation would shift to something else, like my insecurities, literally anything else than this. A part of me feels bad for the lies I keep feeding them, but I know I’m doing this for the right reasons.

They squinted their eyes at me, “that’s weird, you’re being weird. I know you and I know you’re being weird like now. Since when we don’t tell each other everything?”

I don’t like how sad they sound all of a sudden.

“I am telling you everything, as always,” I try to comfort them, “it’s just weird for me to talk about him, because you know—he’s him. I just still feel weird about it that I get to know him like this.”

That seemed to ease their mind, as I witnessed a slight smile creep back into their face, “okay, okay, I believe you.”

As summer starts nearing its’ end, I feel like it’s also the end of other things too. Like the thing between me and Alex. We haven’t really hung out or even talked, and on top of that, I heard the news that it’s safe to travel again and that he’s going back home to Mexico for at least the rest of the summer, maybe even for longer. He didn’t tell me how long he will be gone for, but I know how his tone works and that there was something he didn’t tell me. Meanwhile I knew I will miss him terribly, but didn’t dare to tell him that either, considering the circumstances.

And so, he leaves in silence and I let him. I get to keep my job and talk to him about work matters, but anything other than that, nothing.

I miss him bad and fear that by the time he comes back there is going to be nothing left of us. He lives in a whole new world now, or that’s what it feels like. It feels like he is lightyears away.

“So, what do you want to do on Saturday?” my friend asks me as we pick out what to eat from the menu.

“Why?”

“Your birthday, dummy! You forgot your own birthday?”

“Of course I didn’t,” I scoff back.

They just sip their drink and devilishly smirk at me from behind the glass, “sure. Anyway, we could go shopping for some props, since we’re here at the mall. Do you know who’s coming yet?”

I scratch my head, “not really.”

Truthfully, there’s only one person I hope to see there, but it will not happen since he’s not here. I wonder what he is doing right now, wherever he is.

It’s the weekend, — and more importantly, it’s my birthday today— , but I’m just feeling blue. I’m throwing a party tonight and invited all of my friends that are in town, and in conclusion, they are coming over any minute now and I need to feel better ASAP before I become a buzzkill. I could lie and tell to myself that I don’t know the reason behind my heavy heart, but I know. Me and Alex haven’t really talked lately. I doubt he even knows it’s my birthday, or if he knows I wonder if he cares. It just sucks things have went south between us.

Soon my friends are walking in through the door one by one, holding small gifts or flowers and hugging me, wishing me a happy birthday. They don’t know that the best gift would be if Alex was here, as ungrateful as that sounds. The music is blasting through the speakers, but it’s not as loud as the thoughts in my head. This is going to be a long, miserable night if I don’t get it together.

We take a bunch pictures to post online and show everyone how much fun we are having. For me, it all feels like a facade. That’s how social media usually makes me feel, but now it feels like a whole cliché how I’m acting all happy, but inside I’m in shreds. If things were any different, would Alex be here right now? Possibly. That breaks my heart.

The night goes on and I keep discreetly checking the door and my phone every now and then. I still don’t seem to understand that he won’t be here. One day he maybe will, if I don’t overthink myself to death by then.

We poured more drinks and even set up a little party game section in the living room, moving the furniture for more space to move and dance around. The more fun we had, the more ungrateful I felt for wanting more from this night, because at least I have my real friends right here with me. How could I ever wish for more? Who else could I count on if not them? I might feel lonely without Alex, but I would be lost if it wasn’t for the people here. There’s a difference and that tells me everything I need to know.

I can definitely have fun tonight. I can stop holding out my hand for someone who has no intention of taking it if I want to.

I poured myself another drink and to make up for my lack of gratitude so far, I went to turn the music up and got cheers from everyone as response. I do miss him, but I know now it will pass.

It was fine until it got to the point of the night when I have had enough to drink to start to feel emotional or sentimental or both and cursing myself for it. A moment when I just want to text someone something risky, especially Alex. It’s a stupid idea, a bad idea even, and just not worth it for me to be so forward on the phone now and then later flinch at the silence he will give me in return.

I still do the bad thing. I go to the bathroom and before I step out again, I type a quick text to him,

“I wish you could be for my birthday tonight :( It’s fun, but would be more fun with you here. 10:55 PM

Now I feel stupid as I stand and watch the text being delivered to him, knowing it’s too late to undo the damage. Way to make him feel guilty for not being here and making a fool out of myself in the process too. I know I’m better than this and I don’t like the sides he’s seeing of me right now.

I exit the bathroom and my friends tell me we should move this party to a bar. I agree, I have neighbours after all and it’s now past 11 PM, meaning we have to quiet down. And so the music stops and tables are being cleared and the lights are being switched off as we leave, but the night is not over for us yet.

It’s a struggle for us to get a ride this late on a weekend, but we eventually manage to get a cab.

As we all finally squeeze in the car, I check my phone. My heart unpleasantly makes a drop to the pit of my stomach like I was on a roller coaster of life when I see a text from Alex;

“Happy Birthday” and a stupid meme attached to it that immediately makes me smile.

It’s just like the old times happening all over again, like someone rewinded the story of us, when we were able to joke around like this with each other. It feels nice to do it again. Maybe I can finally take my heart down from the shelf I had reserved for him and accept that there is just friendship after everything we’ve been through.

I was looking out the window, watching the city lights and busy streets pass us by, while listening to the song on the radio and my friends conversing about what they will order at the bar. Things might not be as good as they used to be with Alex, but at least he’s still somewhere out there for me.

I lock my phone and put it away in my bag for good. We will be okay again. Or that’s how I’m trying to distract myself from thinking too much, because I know deep down I miss him bad.

At the bar, it’s jolly. I’m bubbly like the bubbles in our drinks. There’s no reason to be sad anymore, as long as I remember to forget. We dance the night away, we take more pictures, and buy all the fancy drinks. I know it’s a one-way ticket to temporary happiness, but I’m planning on staying for as long as I can.

I get up to go and order another drink, and my friend comes along to tug at my clothes. I figure they are just too drunk to support themselves, until I notice their eyes wide as a deer’s in headlights and they shriek in my ear, “oh my God, I think I just saw him!”

“Who?” I cringe at their volume.

They stammer and wave their hands frustratedly, already having trouble expressing themselves due to being under the influence, “Alex!”

My heart sinks.

“He’s not here, he’s home! We’re literally not even in the same country right now,” I try to get them to calm down, before someone else intervenes. I understand that this isn’t a good look on us here, them all over the place, freaking out.

“You ordering?” the bartender asks, seemingly bored of waiting around.

I tell him to hold off a minute and instead escort my friend back to our table. What kind of a sick joke was that anyway?

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry—it looked just like him!” my friend still slurs their apologies to me.

“Okay, I believe you. It’s okay,” I coo at them when they look at the verge of tears. What have I started? My brain being occupied with the endless trail of thoughts of Alex all night seems to be contagious. Are we all going crazy? Is this fun anymore?

I don’t know if I even believe them, though. I’m curious who it was, I could imagine it’s someone that does not look like Alex the slightest. You know, when you have had too much to drink, anything can look like anything. I admit, the thought of it makes me want to laugh. It’s kind of funny in the end.

“Hey!” someone storms up in front of me.

What now? Oh no, are we in trouble? Was that scene we made too much?

I look up and squint, just to be met with eyes I know I have looked into before. I almost jump out of my skin when they splay a hand across my back.

“I found you! I actually found you!” they giggle.

And that’s definitely the same laugh I have had the pleasure of hearing before.

Alex?!

I swear I almost fell forward from shock, “what? How… How?”

Alex places his arm on mine now and leans in to talk quietly to me, as if he doesn’t want me to miss a word, “what does it look like? Okay, I know it looks bad, but…”

I waited for him to say something and still look at him like he is a shooting star passing me by, which seems to amuse him.

“I flew back, to... see you, I guess? Yeah. I have to go back home tomorrow, or so, but then I’ll be back again, okay?”

None of this is actually making sense like it should. He came all the way here, just for a day, to attend my birthday party? He flew all those hours to see me and has to do it all over again tomorrow?

I’m here standing in place, his hand steadying me. It’s like the world has stopped for us, and it’s just waiting for me to make a choice, make a move, say a word, for things to start moving again.

I know he’s touching me, but I almost don’t feel it. I can see he’s desperately waiting and begging me with his doe eyes to do something, but I can’t quite acknowledge it. Did he make the right choice by showing up here? Just when I felt like I was content leaving things between us unfinished, to never write that chapter, he’s bringing everything back.

I know whatever I feel and whatever my choice will be is real, when tears pool in my eyes, that he seems to notice even in the dim lighting, because he starts to move his hand and rub my back again soothingly.

“W-what changed?” I finally ask him, when I got myself together. Except that I’m now crying, great.

He looks surprised that I want to have this talk right here, right now, but then tells me “I wanted to see you, and I want to see what life could be with you. You know, if we take the next step.”

In spite of everything, in this moment, I feel it in my soul and heart that I need him in my life, in any way it works out, but even better if it’s in a way we haven’t explored before. Or is it?

“Don’t overthink it,” he reassures me, as he can sense the distress I’m in, “let’s make the most out of these few days and see what happens.”

I nod, “that sounds... perfect.”

He laughs lightly, and pulls me finally in a tighter hug and sways us back and forth. I could spend the rest of my night here.

My friends are quiet behind us, trying to mind their own business’s, but of course they are curious too, looking at us and then looking away when I try to catch their eyes. I don’t even want to know how dramatic I look, with tears rolling down my chin, pouting my lips.

I guess I have to introduce Alex to them now, kind of. I’m sure they already know him.

He stands there right by my side as my friends pipe up their “hi”, making sure to say hello to everyone back.

I can’t help myself, but only look at him with stars in my eyes. How charming he is towards everyone, not losing that smile on his pretty face even for one second and raising his eyebrows in surprise every time he tries to memorize a new name. It’s kind of an… attractive look. I should stop.

None of my friends still have no idea that there is something going on between us. To them, we are just friends, good friends. But just between me and Alex, we both know now there is something more brewing.

I’ll tell them in my own time. Nothing gets out, until I’m ready for them to know. And this bar doesn’t seem like the ideal place to drop such scoop. I’m sure we all want to be sober for that conversation, too.

“Sorry, I have to go and lock my car doors. I got out in a rush when I was looking for you and feel like I’m getting robbed right fuckin’ now as we speak,” he whispers to me and laughs.

I smile at him, until my smile falls, “your car? I mean, yeah, of course, but how did you even find me? How did you knew I was here? How did you knew to drive here, out of all places?”

He just mysteriously grins from ear to ear, “so many questions, but how could I not know? That’s all you’ve been posting and I can still see your Snapchat location, you know? I knew it would come in handy one day.”

It dawns on me, “oh, right.”

I never even thought of that possibility. He’s a hundred steps ahead of me in thinking. Props to him.

I let him go and as he disappears for a minute, it’s already enough time for me to start missing him. I lived all this time without him, and now even a second is too long without him. Love is impatient. I want him only to myself. Love is selfish. I’m talking about love like it’s been here the whole time. Love is blind.

I want to cry again. I’m not sure if they are happy tears this time. I’m happy, because he’s here, but it also fills me with a heavy feeling, because I can’t exactly celebrate and smother him with love here in public like I want to. I need to be careful of every word and action with him in front of my friends. Hearts aren’t meant for cages and chains, and that’s what mine feels like right now, locked up and tortured. Misused. Might as well not have one.

No one at the table says anything. I guess they are either still drunk and ready to go home, or just flabbergasted. I’m both. Mostly the latter. I feel almost completely sobered up.

Before I can hold myself back, I tear up again. I’ll just blame this on the drinks, or him, or me, or my friends. All of it is overwhelming.

My said friends immediately gather around me to comfort me and in chorus ask me what’s wrong. I almost want to say everything is wrong, but that’s not true.

“Are you just going to make yourself cry more and not tell us what’s happening?” they push me to talk and huddle around. It makes me crack.

I choke out and sniffle, speaking no matter how much my voice breaks, “he’s just so great, you guys, like… you see him now and he’s so kind and amazing, right? But once you actually get to know him like I do, he’s incredible.”

I can’t pick my head up anymore from where it’s buried in my hands, but I can tell by the loud silence that there’s confusion in the air, until my friend snaps back to reality and is the first to ask me what I’m sure everyone else is thinking, “but… this is a good thing, right? Happy tears?”

Others agree to the question, waiting to hear the confirmation of their conclusions from me. Safe to say, they are surprised at my outburst, but still supportive.

I hiccup, “I guess...”

Now I just feel like leaving it at that, if they can’t figure it out themselves that I’m not happy with the way things are. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I got some of it off my chest and that’s it. No more spoilers.

“You’ve cried a lot tonight, on your birthday too! Are you sure you’re okay?” another friend asks.

I settle for silence and silent weeping for a little longer, until I croak out, “I feel like I have never felt like this about anything, or anyone, before like I feel about him. There’s so much emotion, as you can tell. And I—we—there are some feelings involved, has been for a while now. I like him, he likes me. He wants to try to—I don’t know—see if we could be more than friends. That’s why he came here tonight.”

Shit. Before I can stop myself, I have spilled the secret. This is bad. I can still feel my cheeks burning under the stream of tears and I don’t see an end to it. I have to get it together though, before Alex gets back. Which should be any second now, by the way.

I don’t even know if he’s okay with this information being out. I don’t even know if that’s true. What if it doesn’t work out in the end and he leaves the country again as just a friend?

I try to wipe my eyes before he comes back.

“It’s okay! I mean, wow, I never saw this coming, and judging by your reaction, you didn’t either, but sometimes it just happens like that, when you least expect it,” my friends are immediately there for me.

“I’m sorry I kept this from you, it’s just really scary for me that you guys know now. And it’s a big deal.”

When Alex finally, or at a perfect time, comes back when I look decent again, everyone fortunately acts the same as before. I don’t think he even notices that I’ve been shedding tears again. In any other situation I’d feel hurt, but now it’s for the better. At least I don’t think he notices, when he smiles at me and makes the move to put his arm around me to be cute, but holds himself back and instead asks me if I’m okay.

We stay for one more round of drinks and I comprehend that he hasn’t wished me a happy birthday yet. Maybe there’s a time and place for that later.

When the night actually comes to an end and everyone has an assigned ride home, Alex gets close to me again and asks me, “so, uh—do you want me to drop you off at home?”

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

He gentlemanly opens the car door for me and waits for me to climb in, until getting in from his side. Before he even considers driving off, he looks at me and daringly caresses my cheek with his soft fingertips, “hey. Happy birthday. I didn’t tell you yet and—”

He checks the time.

“—it’s past midnight, but fuck it. It’s still your birthday, don’t listen to the clock.”

We laugh in the dark car and I give him my most sincere thank you.

“So, about your present…”

I examine his face, and how it turns smug, and tell him, “a present? I think you coming here was enough. What could be better than that?”

I’m surprised when he still doesn’t start the car, but pulls his hand back a little bit just to use his thumb to swipe it slowly across my lower lip and murmurs, “no, no, nothing like that. There’s really only one more thing that I could give you.”

“What is it?”

Alex tilts my chin up, his eyes not leaving my lips, “I think you know. Do you trust me?”

Oh… I think I do know what he means.

I gulp as he gets closer, “I do.”

This is not the first time we kiss, but it’s the first time we do it when we know the feeling is mutual and this could become a recurring thing. As our lips mash and do their thing together, his warm fingertips slips under my the hem of my shirt just a little, to test the waters. I let him twiddle with the material and claim every inch of my skin.

“What time will I see you tomorrow?” I mumble drunkenly against his greedy lips. Not on the drinks at the bar, but drunk on love, or whatever it is. It’s more than lust what we feel.

He retreats himself and the moment is gone, “what makes you think we’ll see each other again?”

I look at him confused.

He fiddles with my hands that he has draped over his lap and continues, “what if we never say goodbye tonight? If… you want to stay the night at mine?”

What’s the worst that could happen, why not? Now that things between us are finally moving, I don’t want them to stop.

I agree and his delicious, cherry-red lips curl into a smile, while an awed look swims in his pupils. He looks as gone as I feel.

He finally reaches out to turn the engine key and the car purrs to life. I lean my head against the window and watch the sleeping city pass by. The empty streets void of people while we cruise is like a vision of a dream, like it’s just us two in the world tonight. Speaking of, in what world did today happen? This doesn’t feel like the same world I used to struggle in, living feels and comes as easy as breathing now with him.

We drive and drive, until the scenario changes to something I recognize. We must be close to his apartment. From here I can see the park bench where we had that talk a while ago, when we agreed on staying as friends and he kind of broke my heart for the first time when he told me he needed time, and there was no certainty of anything. The place sparks up unpleasant memories in me.

He seems to notice it too and taunts me, “you want to sit there? Reminisce with me a little bit?”

“If you do that I’ll break up with you!” slips out of my mouth. My big, stupid mouth. Can’t take my big, stupid mouth anywhere these days. Never in a million years I should have said that.

“I mean… I don’t know what I mean,” I finally admit when he’s fallen silent. I really don’t know. We never said the D-word, dating, again since that day at the park, ironically. Not until now. We haven’t even established that, there’s no label on us that says we are exclusive. That’s a talk for another day.

Alex finally opens his mouth and laughs, “I think you do. I know what that meant. You will break up with me.”

As he recalls those words back to me, I cringe so hard at myself.

“No, seriously. I didn’t mean it like that,” I try to save face. Just when we agreed to take these few days slow, I go and announce it to him that in my head we are a couple. Leave it to me to mess up this bad.

“I mean,” he seems to be enjoying putting me on the spot like this, “I don’t know how many ways there are to break up with someone.”

I sink into the seat, trying to be hide in plain sight. I hope he would let it go, but I know he won’t. Especially when he lays his hand on my thigh while driving with the other. Now we must look like a couple. A couple of pining people, if nothing else.

“Now you want to get shy?” he asks, “would you still feel as shy if I said I kind of don’t want to wait anymore either?”

“With what?”

He doesn’t even hesitate to speak and also doesn’t let go of me, but still holds my thigh in place, “fuck it, let’s make it official. I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but you want me as much as I want you. I want you in a way that allows us to be together. So, what do you say?“

My face gets hot. It’s what he does to me when he’s this blunt.

“I would love that,” I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding in. I have a feeling these four words will be the most important ones I will ever say.

He smirks, “great! Uh—I would love to make this more romantic and shit, but…”

“You did this, technically, on my birthday, so I think it’s pretty romantic and great already. And I think it’s kind of us to just be spontaneous. It was perfect.”

He parks the car, “with the way you’re throwing all this praise my way, are you sure you can wait until we’re out of the car before you jump my bones?”

I try to duck my head down to hide my face, but he leans in and presses a single, seductive peck on the side of my jaw, before winking at me and exiting the car, before hurrying to my side to open the door for me. I am definitely falling.

“So, that’s how we got here,” I tell his friends in the kitchen, the luminous afternoon glow radiating through the window, illuminating our faces. Ever since the night when we—in his words, made it official—things have gone great. He had to leave the day after, but then eventually came back home from Mexico and told me he’s here to stay. So, life is sweet. It’s all like a dream, but the only difference is that I’m awake.

What it comes to his friends: Karl, Punz and Foolish especially, the night I blacked out wasn’t thankfully the first and the last time I saw them. I had another chance of redeeming myself. We’ve hung out as a group a few times, like we are currently doing, and they are dying to know how exactly did we end up here.

And, I am glad to tell them. Over and over again, as many times as they want to listen.

I get up to walk to the fridge to fetch a drink, and notice Alex standing in the kitchen, preparing me a snack I didn’t ask for, but know I need. He’s sweet like that, making sure I eat and offers to make me something whenever he can tell I don’t have the energy to make it myself. It’s scary, how well he knows me already, but I can say the same about him. I think that’s how you know you have found your person.

Alex purposely gently nudges and bumps me, just as I walk past him, “oh! Woah! Is this like our love story? Like in the old days?”

It takes me back to when we used to do that.

I understand now that the wait is over why it had to happen. It was painfully awkward to even look at him afterwards, but I would do it all over again if it meant that we would still have our happy ending.

“Oh, shut up!” I scold him through my smile and in return, push him back with my hand.

He grabs the hand I’m holding out and pulls my whole body against his instead and tells me he will never stop, pulling me into a kiss to seal the deal. He belongs with me, and there's never a day when he doesn't make me feel the same.

THE END.

#mcyt x reader #quackity x reader #quackity fluff #quackity imagines #reader x quackity #dream smp x reader #mcyt x you #mcyt fanfiction

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ivesambrose · 1 year

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꧁𓊈𒆜𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐰𒆜𓊉꧂

1. 2. 3.

4. 5. 6.

This reading is timeless 🖤 ⏳

And based on law of assumption 🌹

To book a personal reading with me DM or email me at [email protected] with your name and query 🌙

Services offered

Reviews

Thanks for the tip 🌹

Picture 1

You've done enough.

You do not need to overdo this at all. Why are you pushing yourself to take actions? Understand the difference between "inspired action" and continously wondering what you should do next in a way that makes you feel hopeless.

With that being said, you're not hopeless.

You're not stuck either.

The answer you're searching for is to come when you stop seeking it. Sounds simple? Because it is.

Shift your perspective. Flip the narrative.

Once again, you've done the work.

Affirmations:

⋆ What I seek is seeking me.

⋆ My manifestions come to me naturally.

⋆ I deserve to feel my feelings and still know that things will work out.

⋆ My heart/I am safe from bitterness / bitter people.

Picture 2

It's on it's way relax!

It's money isn't it? Or something that makes you feel emotionally safe too? It's yours. Stop LOOKING for it. Would you go out and stand outside for your amazon order knowing it's gonna show up anyway?

Rest. Chill. Visualize. You'll see it happen in your dreams, these dreams are confirmations.

The world, my friend is your oyster.

This or that? Why not both?

Have fun and see things come quickly. You don't have to be so serious all the time.

Affirmations

⋆ My manifestions are always instant.

⋆ I gotta declare once and I have it.

⋆ What I want comes to be effortlessly.

⋆ I always have more than enough.

Picture 3

Stop applying logic to your desires and dissecting them especially when you're harming no one but yourself.

Manifestion overrides logic.

When will you stop holding onto beliefs and assumptions that are keeping you from getting what you want? No one's going to change anything but yourself and there's no one to change but yourself.

Let go of that addiction. The need to constantly check and seek validation.

Actually, drop everything. You need a break.

You can't be double minded you know?

This one has a bit of tough love to it, but I feel you need it right now.

Please recognise your worth and stop repeating the same pattern hoping for a different outcome.

Affirmations :

⋆ I let go of whatever that's no longer serving me. Be gone.

⋆ Universe / guides / whatever you have faith in - always has my back.

⋆ I will always be shown the right way.

⋆ I am not a victim. I don't have to struggle.

Picture 4

You'll have peace and you'll make the right choice.

Set your boundaries. Be quiet about your goals and your thoughts when you know someone might try to project their own insecurities onto you.

Sometimes it's okay to be selfish.

It's okay to unlearn what you've been taught for so long. It's also okay to not follow the crowd.

Your mind is so beautiful, so precious and so unique. Please honour your thoughts and please continue ro write, if not for others but for yourself.

I know it gets lonely but you won't be alone for too long, I promise.

It's okay to go through cycles and it's beautiful to embrace change. The change you've been waiting for.

It's okay, you're okay. Even if you're not, you will be. You always are.

Affirmations :

⋆ I got this, I aways got this.

⋆ Sad for them, but I'm built different.

⋆ Everything always works out in my favor.

⋆ Everything is a bridge of incidence for me.

Picture 5

You're already determined as hell.

Stick to your vision, stick to the new story, persist on the bigger picture. You already know this. So you already got this.

You've taken time in building yourself up so you won't be giving your power away to anyone or any circumstances.

I believe you know this already that circumstances do not matter in your reality.

I also want to remind you that the love you want, wants you even more.

The money? The career? Wants YOU.

The beauty? It's already yours.

Stay in this sweet receptive energy. I'm proud of you, you've got this.

Affirmations :

⋆ It's done.

⋆ It's already mine.

⋆ I have nothing to worry about.

⋆ Everything is rigged in my favor.

Picture 6

Trust in the unseen, trust in the unknown. Because you've always had the power.

Justice will be delivered, how and when? Not your concern. Same goes for anything that you want.

When? How? Why? What's it to you? Why focus on crumbs when you can have it all?

I believe you have at least one person or connection you deeply trust. They want the best for you as you for them, cherish this and focus on the feeling this brings you.

The right connections, the opportunities, the circumstances will all unfold suddenly and when you least expect it. Enjoy the ride.

Listen to your intuition and remember what you deserve. Do not settle till you have what you want.

Again, you weren't made for bare minimums.

Affirmations :

⋆ I am beautiful, inside and out.

⋆ I radiate (insert whatever energy you want to identify with)

⋆ I have spoken so it's done / because I said so.

⋆ If I can picture it, I can have it, it is mine.

#Spotify #tarot community #free readings #divination community #pick a card #Law of assumption pick a card #Law of assumption #PAC

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ronwestbreeze · 1 year

Text

TO YOU , WORLDS AWAY : PART TWO : CHAPTER THIRTEEN

pairing: jake sully x fem!reader

summary: in which tinkers is alive

word count: 2.8k

author's note: i think the psa i posted is enough for an a/n note but if you didn't see it, just remember for future chapters going forward, please don't tell me how to write my story. i write it the way i want it and you can choose to enjoy it or not. and if you don't that's completely fine, just don't be mean about it. okay? okay.

AO3 | prev | next

He thought of the dead, far too often than he’d like to admit.

It wasn’t always a bad thing though, at least that’s what Jake thought. Out of all of them, he had learned the most, he had grown, and he had become the man he was today because of them.

He equally thanked them as much as he grieved them. And to be honest, it took him a long time for him to get to that point. It used to anger him, used to pain him, used to numb him…now Jake only felt, well, he really couldn’t define that yet. It wasn’t denial. It definitely wasn’t acceptance. Just something in the middle, something gray, something nobody could put a name to.

There were different levels to his pain when he remembered those he had lost.

Jake thought of his brother, Tom, from time to time. It was a lot easier than the others as he began to come to terms with his sudden death. They weren’t really close but it was still his brother, you know? Still his other half. And no matter how close or how far apart they were, it still felt as if he had lost another half of himself. A half that he was never going to get back, that would never be replaced because it would always belong to him. And that was okay.

Then there was Tsu’tey. Often he’d find himself doubting his role as the Olo’eyktan and wondered why he was even chosen to lead these people. But the last person he would’ve expected to believe in him, chose him. That had to say something right? That had to be worth something.

He thought of Grace because of course he did. Grace probably had one of the biggest impacts on his life, introduced him to the world of Pandora, gave him a chance even when he definitely didn’t deserve it in the beginning. Perhaps he still didn’t deserve the compassion she gave him. Still to this day, he wasn’t so sure why she believed in him despite everything. It hurt thinking about her, knowing that she would’ve loved to live among the Na’vi like him. Knowing she would’ve loved to meet her daughter…

Jake just hoped that he could do right by her by raising Kiri as his own.

But when thinking of Grace, he couldn’t help but think of…

There was just too much there.

Sometimes he’d feel guilty. Sometimes he wished that Neytiri, whom he had come to love and cherish over the years, wouldn’t see just how much it still hurt him. And he didn’t know why, but this kind of hurt…it was unlike anything he had ever felt before. This kind of hurt scared him, so much that he had to force himself to numb it down in the beginning—still to this day sometimes—because he knew that if he allowed himself to feel this pain, if he allowed himself the luxury of this grief, he’d fall apart.

But Neytiri saw it. She always did.

She knelt down in front of him one day, after finding him sulking silently on a rock one night, and he told her in a broken whisper:

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I…I’m sorry.” It was all he could say, it was all that could escape his lips when he faced her, when he saw the look of knowing in her eyes, when she gave him a sad smile. It was just guilt and grief weighing him down, keeping him heavy and stuck to the ground.

Neytiri smiled sadly, “Oh, Ma’Jake.” She’d place a hand against his cheek and say, “Not even the strongest warrior could ever forget their lost mate.” Jake remembered staring at her in both confusion and shock. “Ma tsmuke, she was your first mate. She was always meant to be a part of this family. It is okay to be sad, Ma’Jake. I am sad sometimes too. I miss her too.”

That day just made him realize it would always still hurt. It didn’t stop it. But at least now he knew why.

It even hurt sometimes when Neytiri would say things like, “I pray to the Mother every day for tsmuke.”

“Why?” He found himself asking. “Wouldn’t it be better to just accept it…that she’s gone?”

Neytiri shook her head, “It is not the same as Tsu’tey or ma sempul. No. I do not believe a warrior like that is just gone. Not like this.”

Jake would frown but not say anything to discourage it. Perhaps it was just her training with the Tsahik, perhaps she was just becoming more spiritual each day she trained with her mother. Either way, he couldn’t find it within himself to tell her that you might’ve been gone.

They never found your human body. Your avatar was under Norm and Dr. Max Patel’s care.

It was just better to assume. Better to let it go now.

You were alive! You were alive! You were alive!

Okay, you supposed that was true. But you also felt like shit so you really didn’t know that being alive was the best revelation right now.

When you opened your eyes, there wasn’t a bright light waiting for you anymore. Only what looked like a wooden ceiling or was it made out of sticks? You really couldn’t tell. What you did know was that everything in your body felt weak and terribly sore. But this time you felt like you were able to move.

Well, at least you thought so at first.

It was a slow process, sitting up and finally taking in your surroundings. From what you could see, it appeared like you were in some sort of hut. The walls were made of wood and the ceiling, as it turned out, was made of long grass. There was a door across from where you had been lying and two smaller holes similar to windows. And judging from the windows, it looked as if it were the late afternoon. At least.

Once you were sitting up, your senses were beginning to kick in. A mask was on your face. Sight was already covered so the smell came next. It was grass and fish that hit your nose first. The grass bit made sense but you had no clue where the fish smell was coming from. Then sound. There were voices, speaking in Na’vi, farther away—no it sounded like it was coming from beneath you. Touch. Something was covering—no, wrapped around your hands and fingers preventing you from fully feeling the rough hammock that you lied on.

Your mind was still foggy, still confused at where exactly you were. Of course, the last thing you remembered was crashing the Samson into the other one that had been shooting at you. You remembered one of its blasts caught your wing and had been one of the reasons why you went down. You remembered fire. You remembered your mask had been broken.

And then it wasn’t. Which, now that you thought about it, didn’t make much sense. Maybe your mask never broke and the smoke from the fire made you delusional.

But then there was another issue and you were quickly reminded of it when you tried moving one of your arms, only to feel a sharp pain at your side.

That crash should’ve killed you. Maybe not on impact but after, there should've been no way you survived.

So how…?

Deciding you weren’t going to get any answers by just sitting, you threw the misshapen blanket—which was made of leaves—off your body and moved to stand.

Only you stopped suddenly when you saw…

Both your legs were wrapped in what looked like leaves and through those leaves, you could see the burns and barely healed scars riddled all over your legs. It was bad enough you could barely keep yourself upright but now you realized you could barely move your injured legs. You had no strength left in you to do so.

It didn’t feel real. For a moment you were sure this was some type of nightmare, that you were still asleep. Or maybe you were dead and left in some horrid hell. But once your bandaged hand grazed one of your legs, barely touched it, everything came crashing down. Everything became real.

You were alive. You were alive. You were alive….

“Dr. L/N?”

The new voice startled you, mostly because you hadn’t heard anyone come into the hut. When you looked up you were met with a Na’vi—no, an avatar—standing before you with a kind yet cautious smile. Cautious as if she were approaching an animal.

You didn’t reply. Mostly because you were waiting for the stranger to introduce herself first since clearly she knew who you were. The avatar cleared her throat, “I’m Dr. Chloe Parker. You may not know me but I was one of the volunteers for Dr. Augustine’s Avatar Program…”

The name wasn’t familiar or maybe it was, you really couldn’t think about it right now. There was too much going on. Your entire body, the recent revelation that you were in fact not dead—hell you didn’t even know where the hell you were.

“I imagine you have a lot of questions—”

“Where am I?”

Dr. Chloe nodded understandingly, “We are currently with the Olangi Clan who have been gracious hosts to us for the past few months.” She chuckled nervously, “But to be completely honest, I think they’re mostly tolerating us at this point…”

The Olangi Clan? The name wasn’t unfamiliar but you also weren’t sure what and where it was. That’s when you remembered what had been going on before your ship had crashed. That’s when you realized why everything felt strange. The reason why you were so tense and on guard…

“What happened with the battle? With the Sky People?” Your stomach twisted in on itself. “Are the Omatikaya clan…are the People…are they alive?”

God, if you were the only survivor, if you happened to be the sole person to survive all of it—

“No, no, no, they’re fine!” Dr. Chloe quickly reassured, kneeling down. When she did, you noticed the pit where a bonfire most likely would be lit at the center of the hut. “Our side one—the Na’vi, I mean! The RDA were exiled and some of us were allowed to stay afterwards and sort of live on Pandora.”

They won? They defeated the Sky People? There was a great relief that fell onto your shoulders, but it didn’t overshadow the tenseness, the exhaustion, and the grief. Just looking down at your injured legs, your entire body, it made it all the more heavier, all the more overwhelming. You were happy, you were angry, you were resentful. And you were sad. You were just really, really, sad.

Dr. Chloe noticed the way you looked down at your bandaged legs and frowned, “…It was an Olangi warrior that found you after your crash. Said Eywa pointed him toward you—or whatever that means…” Your brows furrowed at this but you didn’t stop her from continuing. “He brought you back here, to the plains, and it was mostly the healers keeping you alive for a while. Then my research team arrived and they showed us to you. One of the healers said that you weren’t getting any better and that’s where we stepped in…” She gestured toward you. “At first we tried healing you ourselves but you kept crashing. The wounds were too severe and…well your heart stopped a few times…”

Unshed tears clouded your eyes. Even if they fell you couldn’t wipe them away. You should’ve been grateful, thankful that you were alive now. That you were lucky to have even survived this war.

You were alive. You were alive. You were alive.

Dr. Chloe continued, “We realized at some point that we didn’t have the equipment to manage it…so we put you in cryosleep.”

You closed your eyes. The hut was quiet. You felt Dr. Chloe watch you, feeling her hesitation to keep going.

“How long?”

“Pardon?” She cleared her throat.

You looked up at her, “How long was I in cryosleep?”

Her hesitation already gave you some idea of an answer.

“Five years.”

It was quiet again. You couldn’t say anything. Nothing could have prepared you for this. You had been in cryosleep before and that was when you arrived at Pandora for the first time. Since then, you never thought you’d be placed back under in any circumstance.

You never thought you’d miss five years of your life just to be half alive.

Five years. Five years just like that. Gone. Suddenly, it didn’t matter how much you contributed to the battle, the relief in knowing your side had won, that Grace’s death wasn’t in vain. None of that mattered when you had spent five years of your life asleep. Missing everything.

Your mind wandered and thought of Jake.

“Dr. L/N?” Dr. Chloe spoke again after a while. “I don’t know if you’ve realized but this is pretty groundbreaking stuff. We were able to save you and keep you alive with our newer machines—think of ECMO machines but better! We’re literally keeping you alive right now because of it.” As she said that, you noticed the tubes attached to your arms and the machines next to your hammock. “You’re a scientist, right? Think of the amazing breakthroughs we could have! It could give us more time, more time to heal patients before their body takes over and kills them! Like for you, for example. Your body could have been unsalvageable if not for our life support machines. Without them…well you could be dead, but that’s why we’re working with the Na’vi to heal you more.”

You didn’t know why, but her growing grin was pissing you off. And it certainly didn’t help keep the tears at bay.

“What’re you thinking, Doc?”

You didn’t even hesitate with your words. “I’m an engineer. Not a scientist.” Your gaze then fell toward the ground. “And I’m thinking you should’ve let me die.”

Again, the hut went silent. Your eyes remained locked on the floor. Dr. Chloe didn’t say anything else and you were glad. All you wanted right now was to be alone. Just alone. Except she wasn’t leaving.

Before you could snap at her, shout at her to leave, someone else entered the room. Instead of another avatar, it was a Na’vi woman. And by the looks of her clothes and accessories, she looked like a healer.

“What are you doing in here?!” The woman snapped in Na’vi. Dr. Chloe scurried to her feet. And you realized, tiredly that you were the smallest person in the room next to the two. “She is supposed to be resting! You should not be here!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Dr. Chloe backed away so the Na’vi woman could walk toward you with a wooden bowl in her hands. The doctor’s Na’vi sounded rough but well enough for you to understand her. Dr. Chloe nodded to you before finally leaving the hut. You barely acknowledged her though as the Na’vi woman began checking the bandages around your arms and fingers.

You realized then you were still in a hospital gown. She poked your arm with a needle and you flinched.

“Don’t move.” The healer snapped. You mumbled out an apology. “Your body is weak, you shouldn’t move too much.”

Quietly, you watched her observe your bandages and injuries. Some of them you caught a glance of the worser burns and it made your stomach twist violently. It made you realize how badly wounded you had been, how hard both the humans and the Na’vi seemed to work on keeping your body healing despite the severe ones. Really, you weren’t sure if it was worth the hassle.

While trying not to flinch at another needle poke, you ask the woman quietly, “What’s your name?”

“Ìtxata.” The healer looked at you curiously before focusing back on your left leg.

You winced when you tried scooting closer off the hammock, “When will my body…when will it not be so weak?”

Ìtxata didn’t respond right away. It wasn’t out of hesitation but mostly out of thought as you saw the crease appear between her brows. “It is hard to say….” She glared at the machines around you. “But the Sky People think they’re way can prevent death…nothing can prevent death…no matter the machine.” She then placed a gentle hand on your knee while examining it. “Your body is weak. And it will continue to get weaker until you die. This is only slowing the process.”

It was hard at that point. To hold back the tears. But your body eventually became to worn to remain upright and Ìtxata sensed this right away as she guided your body back to lying down in the hammock. The mask didn’t hide the tears or the restrained sobs but thankfully Ìtxata didn’t bring attention to them.

Instead she continued observing your wounds while you cried, and cried, and cried.

You were alive…You were alive…You were alive…

Coming out of her dreams, Kiri felt dried tears on her cheeks…

taglist: @luvvfromme @sully-stick-together @jakesullylvr @s-u-t @ssc7514 @cheari @tojigirl @nyotamalfoy @perfectprofessorloverapricot @naityelen @dumb-fawkin-bitch @raggedyoldwitch @nhemmingsf @biooiuygjjgfsrb @thatsenoughformelol @thotd-f1 @beaniebeensbaby201 @theoriginalwife000 @3leni @23victoria @lovesickollie @atxara @im-in-a-pansexual-panikk @ladylovegood-69 @punchyprincess23 @lovekeeho @lilithmoon14512 @n7cje @fyfy-world @cleverzonkwombatsludge @goddesslilithmoriarty @itszzmoon @eternallyvenus @bajadotcom

#to you worlds away #jake sully x reader #avatar jake sully x reader #avatar jake sully #avatar jake #jake sully #avatar way of water #atwow #avatar the way of water #avatar fanfiction #avatar 2 #sam worthington #kiri avatar #neytiri

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horanghaejamjam · 1 year

Text

Raspberry Kisses - {JJK}

↪ Summary: You never believed in demons until a game gone wrong left you stuck with one. Though a Halloween party and failed baking experiment may have you realizing being bonded to Jungkook isn’t as bad as you thought.

↪ Pairings: Demon!Jungkook x Female reader ft brief cameos from Namjoon and Yoongi.

↪ Rating: M 18+

↪ Genre: Demon Au / Enemies to Lovers / College/University AU / Smut / Some Angst

↪ Word Count: 10.5k

↪ Warnings/Contents: Smut (Minors DNI), Possessive and Flirty Jungkook, Unprotected sex, Dom Jungkook, Sub Reader, Brat Reader, Religious Undertones, Mentions of blood/blood pact (nonsexual), Degradation, Slight Food Play, Marking, Praise, Rough sex, Growling, Oral (female receiving), Multiple positions, Orgasm control.

↪ This is so late because of everything that happened and I am so sorry but this story was meant to be a part of the horrorwood event hosted by the former @btswritingcafe network for my spooky friend @jeonspub. I am so unbelievably sorry that this took so long but I still wanted to get it posted for you even if it’s late. I had a lot of fun writing this for you so I hope you like it and it was worth the wait.

↪ Click here to see my other BTS stories

↪ Click here for other kpop masterlists

↪ Click here to join my fic taglist

The harsh screech of your alarm was what pulled you from your slumber, making you groan as you rolled over to hit the snooze button on your phone. A few deep breaths and another groan left you as you buried yourself under the covers, hiding from the bright light in your room. You knew you had to be up for class in about an hour but you didn’t care enough to get out of bed and get ready. Surely you could sleep for just a few more minutes and still be up in time to get to class, that was the thought anyways as you closed your eyes and tried drifting off again. Just as you were about to be pulled back into your dream world and even more annoying sound jolted you out of your rest yet again.

“Rise and shine gorgeous!” Feeling a sudden weight pinning you to the bed, you ripped the covers off your head to glare up at the intruder. Bright red eyes gazed right back at you, accompanied by pale skin, short black hair, and a very sharp grin as he took in your form. Anyone else likely would have thought waking up in this position was a dream come true, but to you it was a living nightmare.

“Jungkook get off of me,” you groaned, trying to roll over under his weight, “can’t you let me sleep for like 5 more minutes?” Jungkook didn’t even budge despite your struggling under him, merely smirking down at your pathetic attempt to move him.

“You and I both know if you go back to sleep you won’t wake up again and you’ll be late to class, I’m just trying to help,” he mused, “and as much as I love watching you squirm under me like this we also know you can’t afford to miss any more class.” You stopped your movements and huffed as you glared up at him, clearly unimpressed by his little game.

“Get off of me you pervert!” you exclaimed as you reached up to hit at his chest. Jungkook merely shook his head with a dry chuckle before slowly crawling off of you to stand at the end of your bed. Your new freedom allowed you to finally sit up, crossing your arms and yawning softly as you tried to properly wake up. “Since when do you care about my life anyways?” you asked as you forced yourself out of bed, “I didn’t think you were capable of caring about anyone other than yourself.”

“Oh I don’t care,” Jungkook corrected, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed so he could watch you, “but I know you’ll keep whining about your grade and whatever else and I don’t want to deal with that so I’m making you go.” His eyes trailed your figure as you wandered around looking for something to wear, making you huff and throw a pair of socks at him. The offending article didn’t come close to hitting him, merely falling to the ground a few feet in front of him which made Jungkook scoff.

“You know you are more than welcome to leave whenever you want!” you called out as you went into the bathroom to change, making sure to slam and lock the door so he wouldn’t follow you. Not that it mattered because Jungkook seemed to have the ability to appear wherever he pleased whenever.

“Actually I can’t,” you heard his voice from the otherside of the door, tuning him out as you quickly got changed and brushed your teeth.

“Because I accidentally signed a blood pact and now you are bond to me until I die or pass it out to someone else yeah yeah I know,” you muttered out, already knowing what he would say next. Jungkook didn’t say anything but you could tell he was grinning like a madman on the other side of the door. “Honestly, can’t I like do an exorcism or something to get rid of you instead?” you asked rhetorically as you brushed your hair out. The question wasn’t directed at him but he evidently still heard you as the door suddenly sprung open to reveal the frowning male.

“You think some sellout priest with a generic biblical chant would be able to get rid of a being as powerful as I am?” he asked with a hand over his chest, “honestly Y/N I’m offended you would undermine me like that.”

“You were accidentally summoned by some college girls playing a stupid game and all you’ve done since is pop up randomly to scare me and stalk me like the creep you are. I don’t know about you but that doesn’t sound like the work of a powerful demon to me,” you taunted.

“Anyone can summon a demon with the right tools so that’s on you and not me,” he reminded, “not my fault you decided to try an online ritual without reading the warnings.”

“Whatever,” you hissed under your breath as you pushed past him, leaving your room to walk out into your living area. You paid no mind to the looming presence behind you as you grabbed your bag and walked into the kitchen to grab a protein bar, knowing you were going to be late if you stayed to humor your unwanted roommate any longer. “I’ve got to go or I’m going to be late. Stay here and try not to create too much of a mess while I’m gone,” you pleaded as you put your shoes on.

“You know if you’re so worried about me causing trouble I can just come to school with you,” Jungkook suggested.

“Hell no!” you all but shouted, “dealing with school is hard enough I don’t need a demon following me around to make my life more of a living hell.”

“Suit yourself,” Jungkook shrugged, “have fun at school!” His tone and nonchalant expression was rather off-putting and made you nervous as you turned to finally leave.

“I’m serious Jungkook, do not follow me and do not try anything funny!” you warned with one last glance back at him before rushing out the door.

ღ ღ ღ ღ ღ

It had been almost a month since you ended up stuck with Jungkook and yet it already felt like an eternity. The memory was still fresh in your brain as well, replaying over and over like a cursed nightmare you couldn’t escape from. It all started when you and a few friends decided to meet up at your place for a horror movie marathon to celebrate the start of the spooky season. You loved Halloween more than anyone and so the second October came around you were more than ready to celebrate. It also helped that you lived alone and your apartment was close to campus so it was the perfect place for your little get together. A bunch of candy, every horror movie you could get your hands on, even more snacks and a few drinks and you were set to go. At least, that was the plan until you guys got bored three movies in and decided to spice things up a bit.

“I have an idea!” your friend, Daeun said as she pulled up something on her phone, “I was researching rituals and summons for a project and I came across one that looked pretty interesting. It’s a ritual for eternal love and the supplies are things you should have laying around the house. We should try it!”

“You want to try a random ritual you found online with no experience?” you questioned.

“Well yeah, it’s said to create an everlasting bond and it’s supposed to be super easy to execute,” she argued.

“If a ritual is that easily accessible it probably doesn’t work and we’ll just be wasting our time.” You definitely were not a skeptic by any means, in fact you had dealt with your fair share of paranormal experiences in the past, but this seemed like a scenario that was too good to be true.

“Come on Y/N,” one of your other friends, Aiko piped in, “what’s the worst that could happen? If it is a dud we can say we tried and clean everything up but you won’t know unless we try.”

“Besides,” your last friend, Soyeon spoke up, “you’ve been single since you moved here a few years ago, lord knows you need all the help with love you can get.” All three girls started giggling after that while you merely rolled your eyes. You couldn’t help but think that their antics were a bit childish and that the ritual was a terrible idea but you were outnumbered so you hesitantly agreed. What followed was an hour of rearranging your apartment living room, working around a poorly drawn pentagram and you pricking your finger one too many times to get enough blood for the ritual to work. All four of you recited the incantation from Daeuns phone and then waited, feeling the room grow slightly cold but, much to your relief, nothing happened.

“Damn,” Daeun muttered, “guess it was too good to be true.”

“Well we don’t know that yet!” Soyeon argued, “we don’t actually know what the ritual does, maybe it takes time for something to happen?”

“What is Y/N going to walk into class next week and just be an attraction magnet?” Aiko teased.

“God I hope not,” you groaned, “this was not a good idea.”

“Hey relax, nothing happened so I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Daeun tried to comfort you.

“Come on let’s get everything cleaned up and we can go back to watching the movies.” Still, even as you guys put everything back the way it was and continued your movie marathon with IT Chapter 2, you couldn’t shake the feeling that something was extremely wrong. The feeling of dread you get when you’re out late and feel like you’re being followed but there’s no one there when you turn around. In fact, you could have sworn you saw a figure standing in the corner at one point though it disappeared the second you turned around. The feeling sent shivers down your spine and had you curling in on yourself as you once again peeked behind you to see if someone was there.

“Hey Y/N, are you doing okay?” Aiko asked after a minute.

“Huh? Oh yeah I’m fine, just a little cold that’s all,” you tried playing off your anxiety knowing that if they caught on you would be teased.

“Don’t tell me this movie is scaring you,” Soyeon teased, “I thought it was your favorite?”

“I’m not scared!” you scoffed, “I told you I’m just cold. In fact, I’m going to go grab an extra blanket so you guys will stop bugging me about it.” With that you pushed yourself up to your feet and made your way to your room to grab the extra throw blanket you had on your bed. That same chill ran down your spine the second you were alone and you froze, taking a deep breath as you glanced around the room. “Relax Y/N, nothings there you’re fine,” you whispered to yourself as you walked over to the bed.

“Oh? I thought you said you weren’t scared?” a deep voice coming from right behind you made you jump, falling back onto the bed with a soft shout. Quickly turning around, you gasped as you saw a man standing above you right where you had just been. His body was rather large and practically engulfed your frame in his shadow as he stood above you, bright red eyes peeking from under jet black bangs. His skin was pale but you couldn’t see much of it as his body was almost completely covered in black. A tight black turtle neck that looked like it would rip if he even tried to move his arms, tight black leather pants, even the black metal that decorated his fingers, ears, and one of his eyebrows. All things considered, he was a very attractive man and likely would have passed as human had it not been for the large ram like horns above his ears or the large black wings protruding from his back. You stared up at him like a deer caught in the headlights while he seemed to take his time drinking you in, licking his lips as his eyes raked your form. “You’re a cute one aren’t you?” he finally spoke again after a moment, “not a bad choice for a companion, at all. Though I highly doubt someone as pretty as you struggles to find love so what’s the catch hm?” He leaned over to get a better look at you, only to have you crawl back as a result.

“Woah woah hold up, who are you? And an even better question, what the hell are you doing in my apartment?” you questioned. He paused for a moment before sighing and running his hand through his hair.

“There’s the catch,” he muttered under his breath, “I take it you didn’t fully read the instructions on that ritual you performed then, huh? Well let me explain it to you then so we are on the same page.” He paused for a moment to take a seat on the bed, crossing his legs and facing you. He looked much less intimidating looking up at you with an almost childlike innocence but you knew better than to let your guard down with him. “Well Y/N,” he said as he reached into his collar and pulled out an amulet, holding up a finger when you tried speaking again, “yes I know your name, I know everything about you and more. My name is Jungkook, and as of today I will be your own little demonic companion. This little vial holds the blood you offered to me, and as long as it stays intact we are bond together, I am yours for life.” He swayed the vial in question and you could briefly see the red liquid sloshing around inside the little gem. You glanced at him as if in a trance, still confused and just as scared as you were before. Because of the little game you decided to play you were now eternally stuck with a demon?

“Exactly,” Jungkook answered as if he was reading your mind, “you really didn’t read ahead did you? When done successfully the blood pact bonds you to an immortal lover and eternal devotion. The only way for you to get rid of me now is to pass me on to someone else, or die but don’t think I’ll let you leave me that easily. You’re clearly special to attach yourself to someone like me and I’m a selfish man so I don’t like giving up my toys that quickly.” He was about to say something else when a knock at the door startled the both of you out of your little moment.

“Y/N? Are you okay in there?” You turned to Jungkook who held his finger to his lips in response.

“Yeah sorry, I tripped over my shoes,” you lied with a soft chuckle, glancing back and forth between the door and the demon in front of you.

“Clumsy as ever I see, hurry up we paused the movie for you!” you heard your friends footsteps slowly disappear, leaving you alone with Jungkook yet again.

“Well better get out there, don’t want to keep your friends waiting now do we?” he mused with a chuckle, “don’t worry though, we’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other later, until then.” With that he was gone, leaving you staring up at the space he once occupied. Part of you wanted to lay there and figure out what the hell just happened but you could hear your friends calling for you out in the living room. With a heavy sigh, you got up and grabbed your blanket, wrapping it around yourself as you waddled back out into the living room. The only trace of Jungkook was the brief scent left in the blanket from where he had been, still strong enough to invade your senses and distract you from what was going on.

“Y/N.”

“Y/N?”

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“Y/N!” the sound of Aiko shouting broke you out of your memory induced trance, glancing around to realize you two were the only ones left in class. You had been so trapped in your head that you completely missed what was talked about during your lecture. “You seem really out of it today, are you okay?” she asked as she grabbed her things and stood up, you doing the same so you could walk to your next class together.

“Yeah I’m fine, just haven’t been sleeping well I guess,” you brushed off her concerns knowing you couldn’t tell her the real reason. As if having Jungkook around couldn’t be any more annoying, you weren’t even allowed to let other people know of his existence. He was nothing more than a twisted hallucination, appearing only when no one else was looking and making you feel like you were going crazy. Actually, you probably were going crazy with all the stress you were under.

“You’re focusing too much on work and it’s stressing you out,” Aiko noted, “maybe relaxing and getting out a bit would do you some good? Halloween is this weekend after all.”

“Don’t remind me,” you groaned, “it’s my favorite holiday and I haven’t even been able to do anything to celebrate because I’ve been so busy.” You had to resist the urge to slam your head into your textbook as you thought about that and the fact your Halloween would likely be spent alone studying.

“Hey hey come on now,” Aiko tried cheering you up, “relax we still have time to celebrate. You know Yoongi invited some of us to a Halloween get together at his place, you should join us! We can go after school and get you a costume and it’ll be fun.” You appreciated that she was trying to help and cheer you up, but a party really wasn’t your idea of fun.

“I don’t know, parties aren’t really my thing,” you countered.

“Don’t think of it like a party think of it like a friendly hangout. You, me, Daeun, Soyeon, Yoongi, Namjoon, and possibly a few other friends, nothing crazy.” You still weren’t convinced which had her groaning and pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Fine fine I’ll think about it okay?” you gave in just to prevent an argument, which seemed to do the trick.

“Awesome! Let me know before lunch though so I can plan if we’re going out tonight or not! See you soon Y/N!” she exclaimed with a pat on your shoulder before making her way down the hall to her class. You shook your head and turned to make your way to your own class when you felt a familiar shiver run down your back.

‘You have got to be kidding me,’ you thought to yourself as you glanced around for the all familiar black figure you knew was following you. You didn’t see him at first, but you definitely felt him when he crept up behind you.

“Your friend has a point you know, going out would be a nice change for you,” he mused with a smug grin as he saw you jump.

“What are you doing here?!” you hissed as you turned to face him, “I told you not to follow me.”

“Yeah you did make that pretty clear,” he teased, “but all that did was make me curious and it was boring staying at home all day so here I am. Besides you don’t get around so I figured you could enjoy my company.”

“No I do not enjoy your company!” you argued, “and how are you even here anyways? I thought no one was supposed to know you existed.”

“You’re really not that observant are you?” he questioned, “do you really think I would get away with just wandering around in my normal form? I have my ways of blending in.” It was then that you took a step back and finally registered the change in his appearance, more specifically how human he was. His wings and horns were missing, once red eyes now replaced with a deep brown, and even his fangs were replaced by almost cute bunny like teeth. He also wasn’t dressed in his normal black attire, instead wearing a simple brown shirt and cargo pants to fit in with your classmates. With the short sleeves of his shirt, you were also able to take note of all the tattoos covering his arms and even his hand, had those always been there? “Yes I’ve always had these, seems you just never cared enough to notice them,” he answered your question with a smirk. You rolled your eyes and groaned for what felt like the millionth time that day.

“You’re telling me you could do this the entire time and you only decide to spring it on me now?” you whisper yelled.

“You never let me leave the house so there’s no point in hiding myself,” he explained casually, “also this takes a surprising amount of effort to maintain so I don’t like doing it often.”

‘So much for powerful demon’ you thought. “If it requires that much effort why not just go home so you don’t have to?”

“You know I went through all of this effort to come and see you and your only response is to shut me out? That really hurts you know,” you whined. You honestly couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not and you honestly didn’t care, especially not when you were about to be late to class.

“Fine whatever just stay quiet and try not to ruin anything,” you gave in, rushing to class with a very giddy demon trailing behind you.

Save for the stares you kept getting, being at school with Jungkook went surprisingly well. He stayed quiet most of the time unless it was to talk to you and was even able to help you cheat with some assignments. It was only when your lunch period came around that you realized you would have another problem to deal with, explaining Jungkook to your friends. In fact you were half tempted to just skip and drag him off somewhere else before Daeun noticed you both and ran over, the rest of your friend group following.

“Hey Y/N, who’s your friend?” she questioned as she looked over at Jungkook.

“Oh umm this is Jungkook, he uh...” you stuttered trying to think of a reasonable excuse for how you met when he suddenly cut you off.

“I’m a transfer student here from Busan, it’s actually my first day so Y/N has been showing me around,” he explained.

“Oh that’s cool, though I’ve never actually heard of someone transferring in the middle of a term,” Soyeon commented.

“I wasn’t supposed to start until next term but there were a few classes still open so I can at least get started.”

“What’s your major then?”

“Musical arts, I’m undecided about a specific focus though.” You couldn’t help but blink up at him in confusion, wondering how he was able to brush off their questions so easily. In fact it baffled you that he even knew anything about college to begin with. Didn’t demons have other priorities rather than learning about basic human life?

"I’ve been around for centuries if not more,” you suddenly heard his voice in your head, “do you really think I wouldn’t know about how these things work? Let’s also not forget that I have an eye on you at all times.”

‘Great so now you can get in my head?’ you thought.

“I’ve always been in your head gorgeous, again you just don’t pay attention.”

“Umm Y/N? We’re going to go sit down now,” you heard Soyeons voice which made you sigh.

“Sorry guys I’m still pretty tired, yeah let’s go sit,” you agreed.

“Jungkook would you like to come sit with us?” Daeun offered which made you want to sigh.

“No”

“I would love to,” Jungkook agreed, smirking in your direction as he walked with the rest of your friends. All you could do was slouch over in protest as you followed them anyways, hoping things wouldn’t get any worse.

“Hey Namjoon, Yoongi, over here!” just your luck that things were about to get a million times worse. Glancing up from the table you watched as the two males walked over to join you guys. Yoongi was an upperclassman and your mentor for one of your final projects so naturally you had grown pretty close to him. He was the one who introduced you to Namjoon, a business major in the same year as you were. The two of you had immediately clicked and became best friends, and you had even started to develop a little bit of a crush on him. All your friends knew about it and were trying to play matchmaker, getting you two near each other whenever possible. It seemed that Jungkook was also quick to catch onto this little crush, the room suddenly feeling colder as he glared daggers at Namjoon. Without directing any attention to the already obvious mood shift, you hit at Jungkooks leg under the table to snap him out of it, mouthing a quick “relax” before your friends noticed.

“Hey Jungkook are you okay?” you heard Aiko ask, clearly noticing the shift in his mood.

“He’s just shy,” you spoke up before he could ruin anything, feeling his gaze from beside you, “a lot of new people to get to know.”

“Oh right sorry about that,” Aiko apologized, “Namjoon, Yoongi, this is Jungkook and he’s apparently a new student here. Jungkook this is Yoongi and Namjoon, Yoongi is also a music major so I’m sure you guys will get along well!” The two older males perked up at the introduction whereas Jungkook sunk into his seat a bit with a very forced smile.

“Oh a new transfer, how are you enjoying it so far?” Namjoon asked.

“Just fine,” Jungkook muttered through grit teeth, resulting in you hitting his leg.

“It’s his first day so he’s still getting used to it,” you clarified.

“Ah I see, well if you ever need people to hang out with feel free to come find us,” Namjoon said, “in fact, we’re having a bit of a get together this weekend for Halloween, you should join us!” You were pretty sure you felt your eyes bulging out of your head a little bit when he mentioned the party.

“Oh yeah that reminds me,” Aiko piped up, “Y/N have you decided if you’re coming or not?”

“Oh umm I don’t know,” you muttered, looking around for any way out of this conversation. Jungkook noticed this and couldn’t help but smirk a bit at your discomfort.

“Weren’t you just ranting to me about how Halloween was your favorite holiday?” he teased.

‘I hate you so much Jungkook’ you thought to yourself, “Well yeah but-”

“Come on Y/N, it will be fun,” Namjoon encouraged. His signature dimpled smile had always been a weakness of yours and you found yourself relaxing if even the slightest bit.

“Alright fine, I guess I have nothing better to do,” you agreed, much to the delight of the others and the distaste of your demonic companion.

“Well if Y/N is going I suppose I’ll go as well,” Jungkook piped up, making you slouch back to your original position.

“Awesome we’ll see you guys there then!”

ღ ღ ღ ღ ღ

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“You are not wearing that!” you rolled your eyes and pushed your way past Jungkook into your bathroom so you could do your makeup, the male trailing right behind you. His arms were crossed and his eyes narrowed as he took in your outfit. The last minute costume that you and Aiko had agreed on was a witch, though a bit of a more sexy witch at that. The costume was a long black velvet dress with purple lace accents all over it, a low cut neckline with lace you could use to either loosen or tighten it and a slit at the bottom that exposed your leg. The witch hat had the same purple lace accents with a curtain that partially covered your eyes and gave a very mysterious look. To top off the outfit you were also wearing fishnet thigh highs and just a slight heel to make yourself taller. You thought the outfit looked adorable on you, but Jungkook clearly had other ideas. “Seriously Y/N there is no way in hell I am letting you go anywhere in that,” he whined as he watched you do your makeup.

“Oh shut up, what are you my father?” you hissed as you focused on your eyeshadow, “who are you to tell me what I can and can’t wear?” From your view in the mirror, you could see his eyes darken which concerned you just a bit. In all the time you had been together you had never seen Jungkook genuinely upset and you had to admit you were a bit worried of what would happen if you pushed him. Still, he was the one who pushed this stupid get together on you and now he was whining because he didn’t like your outfit which kind of pissed you off. What right did this man have to control anything about you?

“In case you’ve forgotten you are bonded to me!” he reminded through grit teeth, “you belong to me and yet you won’t even give me the time of day half the damn time! Yet here you are now dressing up in a teasing outfit and showing off to other guys, it’s like you want to mess with me.” You groaned and slammed your makeup brush down as you turned to face him.

“So what if I’m bonded to you huh? I made it very clear from the beginning that I do not like you or this arrangement and you chose to stick around anyways. Stop acting like you own me or that I owe anything to you when we both know the ritual that night was an accident!” you snapped, walking up to Jungkook and poking his chest to emphasize your point.

Jungkook didn’t even flinch as you yelled at him, giving you no reaction despite the evident shift in his aura. His stiffness intimidated you more than you were willing to admit and you suddenly felt unsure of yourself. Before you could move away though his hand was reaching up to grab your outstretched wrist, not hard enough to hurt but firm enough that you could feel it. He took a deep breath and leaned down so the two of you were eye level, making you stiffen as you could practically feel the anger radiating off of him. “Do you know how hard I have tried to be patient with you?” he muttered. His voice was monotone but you could briefly hear an echo to it, a growl almost that was a giveaway to the calm facade he was showing. You tried to say something but found you were frozen in your spot, unable to even open your mouth. “No no you’ve said enough, it’s my turn now,” he taunted as he read your thoughts again, “accident or not you made the blood pact that brought me here you know? You can’t pretend you didn’t do it on your own free will either because you and I both know that you weren’t forced to participate. You sold yourself to receive eternal love and partnership and that’s what I’m here for, you gave yourself to me and you also refuse to give yourself to me and I don’t get it.” He finally let go of you but you still remained in your spot as he walked back a few steps, not looking at you as he reached under his collar and grabbed the amulet. With a firm tug the chain snapped and hung around his hand as he inspected the vial for a moment, almost in disgust. It was then that you seemed to find your voice as you weakly called out to him.

“Jungkook I-” he cut you off with a motion of his hand, dangling the necklace in front of his face before turning back to you.

“If you really want me gone so bad then fine, all you have to do is find a way to destroy or pass on the bond and you’ll never see me again. Choose wisely though, a broken bond can never be repaired no matter how hard you try, and the consequences will follow you to the grave,” he stated, grabbing your hand and dropping the necklace onto it. You looked down at the red gem in your hand, staring at it like a foreign object before looking back up to see the space Jungkook occupied was now empty. Your thumb ran across the gem with a saddened sigh, refusing to look back down at your hand as you slipped it into a little pocket on your dress. You would deal with this whole situation later, but for now you had a party to get to.

“Hey Y/N you look great!” Daeun greeted you once you finally got to Yoongi's house and located your friend group. The first thing you immediately noticed was that there were a lot more people than you were expecting for what was supposed to be a friends only party.

“Yeah you look great too,” you said nervously as you glanced around, “but I thought this was supposed to be a small get together?”

“Yeah we thought so too,” Soyeon agreed, “apparently Yoongi's roommate is pretty popular on campus and wanted to invite his friends so it quickly turned into an actual party.”

“I see,” you muttered, suddenly feeling very self conscious about being here with all these strangers, “speaking of Yoongi, where is he?”

“Him and Namjoon ran off to hang out with some of their club buddies, they should hopefully join us soon though, if you plan on staying?” Aiko asked as she could sense your discomfort.

“I’ll try to stay long enough to at least see them but I don’t know if I can bring myself to stay the whole time,” you admitted. Not only were parties not really your thing but your mind also kept going back to your fight with Jungkook earlier, if you could even call it that.

“Oh yeah, have you heard from Jungkook by any chance? We haven’t seen him here yet,” Soyeon asked, which made you sigh.

“No I haven’t, I assumed if anyone knew it would probably be Yoongi or Namjoon since they’re the ones that invited him,” you lied, hoping they wouldn’t pry into why you acted so strange at the mention of Jungkook. Yeah you never really liked him because you were just kind of stuck with him, but the more you thought about it the more you realized he never actually gave you a reason to dislike him. Other than the constant teasing to rile you up and the occasional moment of appearing out of nowhere he acted like any normal roommate would. You had wanted nothing more than to get rid of him but now that you had the chance you were hesitant on actually letting him go. Pulling the amulet out of your pocket, you once again found yourself admiring the gem that bonded you two together as you tried to get your thoughts straight. Perhaps you should just leave the party and go apologize to him?

“Ah Y/N you made it!” turning around you saw an obviously tipsy Namjoon make his way over to your group. He was dressed as a makeshift werewolf, with the cheap fuzzy ears and paws one would find at the dollar store, he even had a tail clipped onto the back of his shirt that swayed as he stumbled his way over to you. You quickly closed your hand to hide the necklace and hid it behind your back as you smiled up at him.

“Hey Namjoon, looks like you’ve been having fun,” you greeted with a slight smile. He chuckled softly as he moved to sit next to you, almost tripping in the process.

“Yeah sorry, I didn’t expect this many people to show up but you know we felt bad about turning them away,” he explained, “I’m glad you still came though, you look beautiful.” You felt your face start to heat up and quickly looked away so he wouldn’t see you blushing.

“Thank you, you don’t look so bad yourself,” you practically whispered so he almost didn’t hear you.

“Thanks,” Namjoon replied with a chuckle, “this is actually pretty last minute as I may or may not have completely torn my original costume when trying to get it on.” Now it was your turn to laugh as the image ran through your head.

“I swear you’re more clumsy than I am,” you mused to which he merely shrugged in response. There was a moment of silence between you two, simply staring at the floor as the crowd around you grew louder. Your friends had run off at this point to do who knows what meaning you and Namjoon were basically abandoned in the crowd. It only ended when Namjoon cleared his throat to get your attention.

“So I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” he began, waiting for your signal to continue, “I mean we’ve been close for a while now and I’m pretty sure you feel the same way I do but, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to go get dinner with me one night after class?” It felt like time had frozen as you looked at Namjoon in shock. This was a moment you had been waiting for since as long as you could remember and yet, your heart didn’t flutter like you felt it would. In fact, you were more focused on the way the amulet in your hand suddenly felt so hot you were worried it would burn into your skin yet you couldn’t move.

“Wow Namjoon I don’t know what to say,” you stuttered out, “I mean…”

“What’s wrong?” Namjoon asked, “do you not feel the same way?”

“Yes I mean no I mean, I don’t know,” you groaned, “I thought I did but…I don’t know I’m really confused right now and…”

“There’s someone else isn't there?” Namjoon asked, and trying as hard as he was to hide it you could hear the hurt in his voice. You honestly didn’t know how to respond, part of you wanted to say that there was but the other part of you that still wasn’t sure. Not even an hour ago you hated Jungkook's existence and suddenly now he was the only person you could think of? Honestly you should have been locked up in a mental hospital for how quickly you changed your mind on these things.

“I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?” the voice of the very man you were just thinking of spoke up for you. You almost thought your mind was playing tricks on you until you turned around and saw Jungkook standing behind you. He was still in his demon form but since it was a Halloween party no one seemed to bat an eye at his appearance.

“Jungkook?” you questioned, “when did you get here?”

“I’ve been looking for you all night, looks like I came just in time though,” Jungkook mumbled as he glared daggers at Namjoon. The man in question seemed to get the hint and quickly excused himself, standing and dusting off his pants with a nervous cough.

“Right sorry I’ll leave you guys too it, I’ll see you in class Y/N,” he stuttered out, tripping over himself in his haste to leave the conversation. Jungkook merely scoffed and flipped his hair out of his eye before taking the seat next to you that had been previously occupied, though he refused to look at you. You blinked a few times in shock before awkwardly clearing your throat.

“What are you doing here? I thought you were mad at me?” you asked.

“You called me here,” Jungkook replied, “or are you going to tell me that was also an accident?” You were about to ask what he meant when you remembered you were still holding the amulet behind you back. Pulling your hand back to rest in your lap, you opened your palm to see it looked the same but it was still warm. Is that why it heated up when Namjoon was talking to you? “You were thinking about me, I can sense it from a million miles away, just like how I can feel your emotions so I know when you’re hurt or uncomfortable,” Jungkook explained, finally turning to look at you. You nodded silently as you tossed the necklace around in your palm before reaching out to hand it to him.

“Here, take it back,” you clearly caught him off guard as he stared at you in shock, making you shrug, “I think I owe you an apology, I judged you too quickly instead of trying to open up to you. This doesn’t mean I accept being bound to you but I don’t want to get rid of you.” Jungkook chuckled softly before reaching out and grabbing the amulet from you, securing it back around his neck with a satisfied smile.

“It’s a start in the right direction so I’ll accept it for now,” he mused with another chuckle, “but I won’t settle on that for long.”

“If you say so,” you brushed him off while looking around, “can we go home though? I don’t think I want to stay at this party any longer.”

“I thought you would never ask,” Jungkook said with a smirk, “here take my hand, we’ll take a shortcut.” You looked at him confused but grabbed his hand anyways, the party slowly faded away in an odd blur before returning back to show you sitting in your apartment living room. “I told you I have quite a few tricks up my sleeve,” Jungkook hummed when he saw how confused you were.

“Noted,” you whispered in a daze as you slowly stood up and looked around the living room. It was then that you noticed a very odd and sweet scent coming from the kitchen. Turning your head, you began to make your way over there, only to be stopped by a frantic Jungkook appearing in front of you.

“Uhh hey let’s not go into the kitchen right now,” he urged.

“What? Why not?” you asked as you tried to peek around him.

“Trust me, just don’t!” now you were even more curious, dashing around Jungkook and running into the kitchen before he had a chance to react, “Y/N wait!” You slid to a stop and gasped as you realized where the smell was coming from. Your counter and small dining table were covered in a mess of baking ingredients and what looked to be tossed out batters for something. The sweet smell you quickly realized was chocolate as evident by the cocoa powder and color of the batters. It was a complete disaster but you couldn’t bring yourself to focus on that as you turned to look at Jungkook.

“What’s all this?” you asked. You swore you almost saw the demon blush as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well I wanted to try to cheer you up after what happened earlier and I remember you raving about this stupid chocolate raspberry candy or something like that so I thought why not try to make a cake for you,” he explained, “granted I don’t know how baking works so I didn’t realize it would be this hard, but I think I at least got one right.” He walked past you and over to the counter where there was a singular cake laying on a cooling rack, not even iced yet and it looked like it hadn’t been there long. From the looks of things Jungkook had been doing this for a while and dropped what he was doing when you summoned him. “I have no idea how it tastes so you can’t judge me too hard for this but here,” Jungkook said, pulling off a little chunk of the cake and offering it to you. You cocked your head to the side briefly before moving closer and taking a bite, groaning softly as the flavor flooded your mouth. It was a bit more sour than you were expecting so he probably used a bit too much raspberry but it was still really good for a first try.

“It’s really good, but really you mean to tell me you’ve never baked before?” you questioned, still with some of the cake in your mouth. Jungkook wasn’t really paying attention to that though, hyper focused on the way you had groaned at the taste and the way your lips wrapped around his finger briefly. It was such a simple thing you probably didn’t notice, but it had the demon reacting in ways he wasn’t sure he wanted.

“Is it really that good?” he asked after a moment, grabbing a piece for himself with a shrug, “I mean it’s okay I guess, better than the other ones for sure.”

“They can’t be that bad,” you replied obliviously as you walked over to one of the bowls, dipping your finger in the batter and sucking it off, “this one is pretty good.” Jungkook felt his eye twitch as your actions continued, watching you dip your finger into the batter again and repeat the process. It was then that you took notice of his little shift, noticing the way his eyes darkened and his tongue ran over his lips as he watched you. Normally that kind of look would have you running the opposite direction but something about it on Jungkook was rather attractive. It gave you a mini confidence boost and before you could think you found yourself reaching for another bowl, this time making a show of loudly sucking on your fingers and moaning at the taste of chocolate. “I think I like this one even better though, it’s nice and sweet,” you teased with a wink. Jungkook quickly caught on to your little game and smirked at you as he leaned against the counter.

“You’re doing this on purpose aren’t you?” he challenged, the tone of his voice causing you to shudder involuntarily. There was a new rough edge to it you never heard before, almost like he was growling as he spoke to you.

“No idea what you’re talking about, I’m just enjoying a little treat,” you continued with your teasing. He raised an eyebrow at you before humming and grabbing the last bowl, swirling the batter around with the tip of his finger before dipping two in and walking over to you.

“Surely you need to be fair and try them all then, right?” he mused as he lifted his fingers to your lips. One of his fingers brushed your bottom lip just enough to smear some of the cake batter onto it before you were eagerly opening your mouth and sucking both in. Jungkook could barely hold back from groaning as he felt your tongue wrap around his fingers, keeping a straight face as you glanced up at him. “There you go, good girl,” he teased as he pulled his fingers out, purposefully dragging them against your lips so that the remaining batter smeared against them. “Opps,” he teased with a dark chuckle, “guess I left a bit of a mess huh? Why don’t you let me get that for you.” Before you could respond you found yourself pinned against the wall as he crashed his lips against yours. Jungkook was demanding from the beginning, keeping you pinned with his body, one hand tangled in your hair while the other gripped your thigh. You tried weakly to fight for dominance for a few seconds before giving in and letting him have complete control, sighing into the kiss and grabbing onto his arms desperately.

ღ ღ ღ ღ ღ

As badly as he wanted this to escalate, Jungkook stayed like that for a few moments, merely kissing you while playing with your hair and keeping you pinned. It was teasing and you both knew it, but Jungkook needed you to want him just as much as he did you. This was the moment he had been wanting the past month so he knew he could be patient. Even when the faint taste of the chocolate raspberry dessert faded, you two remained in that position, only pulling away when he felt you needed to breathe. You panted as you looked up at him, still desperately gripping onto you as you felt like you would lose your balance if you let him go.

“Wow,” you whispered out of breath, making him chuckle a bit.

“What do you think Y/N?” he asked, stroking your cheek playfully, “ready for an even better treat?” Instead of responding verbally, you answered him by pulling him back down into another kiss, catching him off guard momentarily. You took advantage of your power to explore him more, biting at his bottom lip and running your hands across his body. Jungkook groaned softly and let you do what you wanted for a minute before grabbing your thighs and lifting you up, not breaking the kiss as he carried you into your bedroom. You gasped softly as he laid you down as softly as possible, hovering over you as his kisses trailed from your lips to your neck. You moaned softly and tossed your head back as he began softly nibbling at your neck, occasionally sucking harder to leave a mark. His fingers ghosted across your body, barely touching you as he trailed his hand down your thigh. His touch was burning and left you desperate for more of him, quickly getting irritated by the slow and gentle movements.

“Jungkook, more please,” you breathed out, feeling him smirk against your neck.

“Be patient my little witch,” he cooed, “I want to take things slow for our first time.” You groaned in annoyance, reaching up to tug at his hair. Jungkook hissed at the action which made you giggle as he moved to look up at you.

“What if I don’t want you to take things slow huh?” you challenged, “you do want me, right?”

“More than you will ever know, which is why I want to savor this,” Jungkook muttered as he reached up to remove your hand from him. He readjusted so he was pinning both your hands to your side, straddling your hips as he gazed down at you. His new position had you squirming a bit to escape his eyes but he didn’t even budge, easily holding you down. “Now are you going to behave or are we going to be doing this the hard way?” he asked. You paused for a moment before giggling and as you finally looked up at him.

“What a powerful love demon like you wanting to take things slow? What I’m hearing is that you just can’t handle it.” You watched his eyes darken and his lips curl into what almost looked like a snarl, making you bite your lip and look away again.

“Oh no no you don’t get to be shy now you brat,” Jungkook hissed as he let go of one of your hands to grab your chin, forcing you to look up at him. You locked eyes with Jungkook and gasped as his hand went from your chin to your throat, squeezing just hard enough for you to feel the pressure. “You asked for it so you can’t take it back now,” he whispered, leaning down so your lips were almost touching, “your safeword is raspberry, if you say or think that word I will stop okay?” You did your best to nod despite his hands on your throat which made him shake his head, “Words Y/N, I need to hear you.”

“Yes!” you gasped out, making Jungkook smile and peck your lips softly.

“Oh and one more thing,” he continued, letting go of your throat to trail his finger down to the neckline of your dress, “if you even think about cumming without my permission you will regret it doll.” With that he wasted no time in ripping the dress off of you, the force pulling you off the bed a bit before his strength shredded the fabric, exposing your body to him. Because of the way the dress fit you, you had decided not to wear a bra so you were left in just your panties and fishnets. You almost swore you heard Jungkook purr as he took in the sight of your body. “Wow no bra? You are a dirty girl aren’t you?” he hummed.

“I just bought that dress,” you whined, trying to ignore the warmth spreading in your body from his gaze. Jungkook clicked his tongue in mock annoyance, moving his hands to roughly fondle your breasts. You gasped and arched your back into his hands which made him smirk.

“I’ll buy you a new one if you’re that worried about it,” he mumbled, “but for now I’m much more interested in exploring my new territory.” You opened your mouth to bite back that you weren’t his but he beat you to it by squeezing your breasts again, two of his fingers teasingly pinching your nipple and making you gasp.

“If I were you I’d lose the attitude,” he warned, “that is, if you want any chance of walking right tomorrow.” You moaned softly as he lowered his head, trailing kisses down your neck and chest before taking your nipple into his mouth. Jungkook started out with gentle sucks before slowly rolling the sensitive bud between his teeth. He repeated this process for a moment then switched to the other one, chuckling as he heard you gasp softly.

“I,” you tried speaking, pausing for a moment as you felt his hand grip your thigh again, “I can handle it, do your worst?” He paused his actions to look up at you questioningly, huffing when you returned his gaze with a look of defiance.

“If you say so,” he hummed, releasing your nipple with a soft pop, “don’t say I didn’t warn you though.” You didn’t have time to react before he was grabbing your hips and pulling you down, adjusting so his head was between your thighs. You squirmed a bit as you felt his breath on your core, warm and teasing as he exhaled sharply. “I’ve barely even touched you and I can already tell you’re soaked,” he teased, running a finger up to the waistline of your fishnets. You squirmed more and whimpered as he leaned forward to place kisses against you through your panties, poking his tongue out just enough for you to feel it. “These tights are super sexy also,” he mused, “I may just have to keep them on you.”

“Will you stop teasing and just do something already?” you whined. One of your hands reached down to tug at his horn as you bucked your hips, desperate for any kind of friction. Jungkook growed lowly, slapping your thigh just hard enough for you to feel it.

“So impatient,” he hissed, “I shouldn’t be touching you at all until you behave.” You pouted for a moment, worried he was going to leave you there, until you felt his finger hook under your tights and panties. “It’s a shame I have to ruin these but oh well, since I’m so nice I’ll give you what you want.” With a quick tug the thin fabric was ripping and joining the remains of your dress, exposing your core to the cold air. Jungkook hummed softly before leaning down and licking at your slit, giving a few kitten licks before diving in and sucking at your clit. You moaned loudly and tightened your grip on his horn, grabbing the sheets with your free hand as you rocked your hips against his face. Jungkook responded by moaning against you, sucking harder and pinning your leg back with one of his hands. Your thighs shook and threatened to close around him but he kept you pinned with his weight, moving one hand and slipping a finger into you slowly. He slowly pumped his finger inside of you for a few moments before adding another, quickening the pace and curling his fingers. You gasped and jolted as his fingers brushed against that soft spot inside of you, Jungkook smirking and angling his fingers to abuse that spot. All you could do was throw your head back and grip onto him tighter as endless moans fell from your mouth, struggling to catch your breath as you felt your orgasm rapidly approaching. Before you could tell Jungkook you were close however, he was pulling away and looking up at you with a devilish grin.

“Remember what I said sweetheart,” he mused, pressing his fingers to your lips and humming as you took them into your mouth, “you don’t get to finish until I say so.” He let you suck on his fingers for a second, letting you taste yourself as your orgasm faded away. Only when he saw you relax did he move, wiping his fingers on his pants, “The only way you are cumming tonight is on my dick like a good girl, think you can do that?” You were too out of breath to respond so you simply nodded, though it seemed to be enough of a response for him. Jungkook leaned back and, with a snap of his fingers, stripped himself of his clothing and exposed himself to you for the first time. Your eyes widened as you sat up to get a better look at the gorgeous man in front of you. You knew Jungkook was built but you never realized just how defined his muscles really were, the tattoos on his arms trailed all the way up and across his toned chest which was otherwise unmarked. Your eyes moved down until they landed on his erection, surprisingly human for what you imagined if not longer than average. Still, it was beautiful and you bit your lip at the sight of him. “Like what you see?” Jungkook teased, chuckling when you dumbly nodded, “good, because you don’t get to see it much longer. Now be a good girl and present yourself to me, on your hands and knees.” You quickly obliged, getting on your knees and lowering your top half to expose yourself to him. Jungkook hummed in approval and positioned himself behind you, gripping your hips and lining himself up with your entrance.

“You’re not a virgin right?” he asked suddenly, making you giggle as you shook your head no, “good.” With that he leaned forward and buried himself into you, groaning and stilling as he bottomed out. You moaned at the stretch and buried your head into the sheets, trying to catch your breath and adjust to the feeling of him inside of you. Jungkook gave you a moment to adjust, starting to thrust slowly as he felt you relax. “You are so tight you’re practically swallowing me,” he groaned as his pace increased. You could only moan and grip at the sheets to keep you grounded, the position hiding your face and muffling your moans which he didn’t seem to like very much. A low growl left him and you felt him tug roughly at your hair, pulling your head up and exposing your neck to him. “Don’t you dare hide from me, let me hear you,” he whispered, going even faster and burying his head into your neck. You moaned louder at the pace and the feeling of him sucking at your neck hard enough that you knew there would be marks in the morning. You couldn’t bring yourself to care though, enjoying the feeling of him fucking into you like his life depended on it. His position also meant you heard every animalistic growl and groan that left him, not normally something you would enjoy but from him it was undeniably sexy. “You’re mine you know,” he groaned, “you belong to me, and only me, all mine. No one will get in between us ever again after tonight, everyone will know that you are mine, I’ll make sure of it.” He bit at a sensitive spot under your ear which made you gasp and close your eyes, knowing you wouldn’t be able to last much longer.

“Jungkook I,” you tried to speak up but found you were unable to finish your sentence.

“I know baby I know,” he murmured, “go ahead and cum for me.” His command was all you needed, letting out a silent cry as you finally reached your release. Jungkook was not far behind, stilling inside of you and growling as he finished inside of you.

ღ ღ ღ ღ ღ

Jungkook quickly but carefully pulled out of you and flipped your position so you were both laying down with you on his chest. His finger traced delicate patterns on your arm as you snuggled up against him, trying to catch your breath.

“I wasn’t too rough right?” he asked after a moment.

“Not at all,” you assured with a soft smile, “it was actually really hot seeing you all possessive.” You felt his chest rumble beneath you as he chuckled.

“Good to know, I’ll remember that for next time, if you want there to be a next time that is?” you stayed silent for a moment as you thought about it, trying to process how quickly everything seemed to change in the span of a night. Hell, not even a few hours before you were loathing Jungkook's existence and now you were here naked and curled up against him. The more you thought about it, the more you realized you really needed to assess your current relationship with the demon beside you.

“You’ll be bound to me for a while so I’m sure we’ll figure it out,” you said, realizing you had been quiet for too long. It probably wasn’t the answer he wanted, but he didn’t oppose it either. Instead you felt him pull you closer and place a gentle kiss on your head.

“I’ll clean everything up in a minute, you go ahead and rest and we’ll talk about everything in the morning, deal?” You didn’t need to be told twice, closing your eyes and letting his warmth lull you to sleep. You still had a lot to think about, but maybe being bonded to Jungkook wasn’t so bad after all.

This is one of three promised fics that will be uploaded within the next week as I do my best to catch up!

Any and all interaction and feedback on this work is greatly appreciated!

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writingquestionsanswered · 6 months

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Not sure if this was asked before but... how do you get your *passion* back for writing - or any old hobbies at all? Maybe bc of ADHD, but I used to hyperfixate on writing, reading and other things. They were my world. Now, when I actually have time to write... my interest is meh. Mild. Barely exists. But I'm still interested. Just not passionate. My heart doesn't flutter at new OC ideas anymore - or ships. Or family dynamics. I'm bored... what gives?

ADHD: Interested in Writing, But Not Passionate

I really struggled with this. Mainly, because I have a hard time wrapping my head around, "My interest barely exists but I'm still interested." I can't make sense of that.

I've written three different versions of an answer, none of which I liked in the end, because I think the long and the short of it is this: you can be interested in writing generally, but stuck on a WIP or unable to get started generally. And there are all sorts of reasons why you can be stuck on a WIP or unable to get started generally (including executive dysfunction... thanks, ADHD!) However, at the end of the day, if writing was a hyperfixation for you, that may be all it ever was. Even if some part of you is still "interested."

Which brings me to a story from answer attempt #2, which I think is still worth sharing. Years ago, I hyperfixated for weeks on a particular historical topic. I couldn't get enough. I read about it, watched documentaries about it, subscribed to magazines about it, fell down topic-related rabbit holes for hours at a time. My brain needed to understand every single thing there was to know about the topic, which was troublesome because everything about this topic isn't known... even by those who study it.

One day, my attention shifted to something else, but I never really lost the "interest" in this topic. My ears still perk when I hear something about it. I still skim articles about it when they come up on social media. I would probably pause in my channel surfing if I happened on a documentary about it. But my interest isn't the same. It's not enough for me to dive in to the extent that I did when it was a hyperfixation. And this was tested by the fact that not long ago, I visited a museum with a whole wing dedicated to this topic. And I knew it was a big deal that I was there, and that hyperfixated me would have blown a gasket out of sheer joy, but I just wasn't able to engage with the exhibits the way I wanted to or felt I should. I was looking at the artifacts and absorbing the words on the exhibition labels, but I wasn't feeling anything about it. It all fell flat. Which was kind of depressing, to be honest.

So, I'm telling that story because I think there's a very real possibility that may be what's happening for you with writing. It may just be a hyperfixation that still interests you in some way, but which can never really inspire that same level of interest you once had--unless you become hyperfixated on it again, but there's no way to force that. And there's no way to know for sure if that's what's going on except to try some of the things suggested in the links below to see if you can troubleshoot a cause or kick start your motivation. If not, it may just be something you did once and may come back to again eventually. ♥

Guide: Filling Your Creative Well Guide: How to Rekindle Your Motivation to Write Getting Excited About Your Story Again Getting Unstuck: Motivation Beyond Mood Boards & Playlists 5 Reasons You Lost Interest in Your WIP, Plus Fixes! Feeling Unmotivated with WIP

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lalachat · 6 days

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"And there you were..."

Author's note: Hey girl hey... I'm back! Im sorry for the prolonged time between these late chapters:( Fixations are weird and frangible things. You have one for a month and then get tired of it, but come back to the same one every now and then. That's basically what writing is for me... I know it may not be fair to you readers but I am trying my best because i truly love you guys... This is not the best thing that I have written for this story, but we are finally at the end! It has been a rollercoaster for us all. Thank you for those who have stuck with me since day one and thank you for those who randomly stumble upon this shit show of a story and send me sweet messages<3 I hope this is good enough xoxo

Summary: Crossing over the rainbow bridge is not what you expected it to be, especially when you're told you cannot stay long, but everything was worth it in the end.

This is for all my Lucien girlies❤️

Warnings: profanity, potential grammatical errors, and a happily ever after!

Word Count: ≈ 2,237

Chapter 11: You're my mate

“Who are you and where am I?” you blinked rapidly at the blinding light invading your gaze.

“Welcome my child, you know where you are and you know who I am-” the voice sent a warmth through your body at the raw power it held, yet it was still tenderhearted.

You blinked a couple more times to readjust your sight at the most ethereal woman you have ever seen standing before you. This cannot be real…

“I’m dead, aren’t I?” you asked.

“Not quite, I fear I have taken you too soon,” she gave you a soft smile as the realization hit you. Only one person could take your life too soon.

“Oh my gods, you’re the mother!” You bowed to her immediately, unsure of what the proper greeting was for a celestial being. She giggled.

“No need for such formalities, stand up my child. I have something I wish to discuss.” She offered you her hand which you gladly accepted. You felt a zing rush through you at the touch. The power she held was beyond anything you felt from Rhysand and the other high lords.

“Of course,” you smiled, “What exactly would that be? Have I sinned too much to remain here?!”

She laughed yet again, “You are quite the humorous one, and no, I am not here to discuss your sins. I want to discuss the mistake I made with your mate.”

You stood there in pure shock, “Azriel?”

“Yes, I wholeheartedly apologize for fating you two together. That shadowsinger never got over his self-loathing I’m afraid.” You looked at her puzzled. “You see, when I fated the two of you, I had hoped his self-destructiveness would disappear once he met you,” she smiled at you again as you listened, “that was until Elain Acheron had stepped in and took that place before you ever could.”

“Believe me mother, I am well aware…” you sighed. “I tried so hard,” tears began to form in your eyes.

“Oh my love, I know you did, and this is all my fault. I am sorry for causing you so much suffering. It is clear to me now that I should have fated you to someone else,” she gave you her hand again, “Come walk with me.”

She led you hand in hand over to a cauldron. She waved her hand over it to reveal your friends still circled around your body, only this time a certain auburn-haired male began to awake.

“LUCIEN!” You wept at the sight of his chest rising and falling again, “He’s alive!”

The mother nodded, “I brought him here and sent him back, just like I am about to do with you.”

“I don't understand, why bring us both here in the first place if we are only going to be sent back?” You watched as your friends noticed Lucien’s movements as you still lay there cold.

“Because my child, I have been watching you for quite some time and realized that your love without a bond for another male grew stronger than any completed bond I have ever seen.”

“That’s not possible- nothing is stronger than a completed bond,” you looked at her and shook your head in disbelief.

“I never thought something like this would happen but you two have proven me wrong. You both have just done the impossible,” she smiled at you, and she took hold of both of your hands, “That male loves you more than anything.” Her thumbs caressed the small marking along your wrists, your eyes followed the movement as you chuckled.

“So, what’s going to happen to now?” you looked up at the creator of everything you knew.

“I am going to send you back,” she kissed the top of your forehead and you felt something inside you shift, “I am sorry for taking you both too soon, but it had to be done. I have now made things the way they should be,” she smiled as she gestured to the cauldron.

“What?” you looked at her in disbelief.

“Step into the cauldron, it will take you back to your loved ones.”

You looked in to see Lucien now trying to wake you as the others watched in awe of his liveliness, “Lucien did the same thing?”

“Yes,” she nodded as you began to slowly step your way into the cauldron. You were waist in before you stopped abruptly as anxiety ate at you to ask a certain question.

“I won’t have any special powers like Feyre, Nesta, and Elain right?”

“No, this is different than their rebirth. You will have no power; you will remain as you were before.”

“Good, that’s good. Powers would have been cool though,” you smiled as you submerged the rest of yourself into the sacred artifact. Just before your ears went under you could hear the mother say something to you before you left.

“Everything is alright now, I love you my child. You have made me proud.”

You smiled as the liquid surrounded you and sparkled against your skin. It almost looked like Starfall which made you smile reminding you of home. You were heading back home! You felt your body tense like it was being winnowed back to your reality. It was a weird sensation, but you could slowly feel the memory of the mother and everything she had done for you fade as you passed through a barrier.

“Y/n!” you could hear someone crying out your name. You were trying to regain your senses as firm hands caressed the hair out of your face. One of their tears fell onto your cheek. It almost felt hot. Your eyes squinted at the feeling.

“Lucien look!” Someone cried out, as Lucien’s eyes scanned over your face slightly scrunching up at the foreign feeling of a tear that was not your own on your face. He let out a small, relieved gasp.

“Y/n?” He wiped off his tear that had fallen as he saw your chest take a deep inhale, “Oh my gods!” He wept, “You’re alive… you’re alive!”

His hands caressed your own, trying to give your cold skin more warmth. Azriel letting some of his own tears fall at the sight of you breathing again, Elain was rubbing small circles on his back in comfort. Mor and Feyre’s hands covered their mouths in shock at the events unfolding before them as tears of joy left their eyes. Nesta had let out a much-needed breath she didn’t know she was holding as she smiled at the two of you breathing again. Cassian thanked the mother repeatedly as Rhysand grabbed Feyre’s hand with tear filled eyes.

You began to wiggle your toes and fingers, getting used to the feeling of yourself again as you opened your eyes to see Lucien with the biggest smile you have ever seen from him.

“Lucien?” you questioned. Your mind was foggy, unable to really remember anything except the fact the last time you saw him he was dead.

He pressed your hands to his lips, “I’m here…”

You began to cry, “You’re alive!”

He nodded his head as he pulled you into his chest, “And so are you!”

You wrapped your arms around him in an instant, “Don’t ever leave me like that again!”

“Like hell I would live in a world without you,” he smiled as he cupped your face and kissed you tenderly. It’s right then you felt something trying to ignite inside your chest, no restraints or walls were holding it back as it set your soul aflame. You pulled away from Lucien and looked at him in amazement as you sent that flame to where it was trying to pull itself to. Lucien’s eyes widened as he slowly felt his empty chest cavity burst into life filled with everything you were sending his way. Love. Passion. Trust. Protectiveness. He couldn’t but help but smile as he got to say these words again knowing he would be complete, “You’re my mate!”

You let out a laugh of relief at the words, “Mates,” as you kissed him so hard you both fell back into the earth beneath you.

“That’s impossible,” Azriel said in disbelief. Elain’s face was ghost white.

“Well brother, the mother can work in mysterious ways,” Rhysand smiled at you finally getting your happy ending.

Lucien pulled away from you breathless, “I love you.”

You gave him a toothy grin and kissed him once more, “I love you!”

The wind kissed your skin as you both got up off the ground hand in Lucien’s. The presence of the wind almost felt familiar to you. You looked up at your mate and saw he had the same expression. Both of you looked at each other before you both whispered a soft thank you into the wind to let it be carried away to wherever it was headed as your friends began to crowd you both. Feyre ran into Lucien’s outstretched arms as Mor crashed into yours.

“Oh gods I am so happy you’re alive!” Mor cried.

“I think that was enough bonding for a lifetime,” you laughed as you cried with your best friend.

“I am just glad you are okay!” she smiled as she let Feyre hug you next. She looked over to Lucien and gave you a warm smile, “I am so happy for you both, take good care of him.”

Rhysand and Cassian pulled you into a big group hug.

“What even happened? I saw you both die!” Cassian kissed your cheek fondly.

“I don't even know… I wish I could tell you both, but I'm just happy I get to keep my favorite bat boys around,” you laughed as Rhysand kissed your other cheek.

“Like I said to Az, the mother works in wonderous ways.” As they pulled you back into another huge hug.

“Stop you’re going to pop me!” you laughed as a pair of footsteps approached you. You looked up to see Azriel. He looked at you guiltily and you felt nothing towards the male. No hate, no resentment, no longing, no nothing. You took a deep breath as you said, “Bring it in Azriel, it’s alright…”

Azriel carefully joined the group hug, “I am so sorry…” you and the others just hugged each other tighter as a response. You heard a cough from outside the circle as Elain stood before you. Rhysand and Cassian gave you one last hug before they walked over to Lucien and the others. Leaving you with Azriel and Elain.

“Y/n if I had only known…” Elain’s voice trailed off. Their presence was a little much for you after knowing what they both caused, but without them you wouldn’t have your mate.

“Look, everything that happened between us is a lot to digest and it's overwhelming me right now, but I am willing to look forward and have a fresh start, just give me time.” You gave them both an awkward smile as you walked off to the others who were all showering Lucien in hugs like they had done with you earlier. The sight of it made you smile.

“Be careful with him! I just got him back,” you teased as everyone looked towards you.

“We just got you both back,” Feyre said with a soft smile, “Tonight we celebrate you both and your new bond!”

“Just don't feed him anything until we're gone,” Cassian quipped as he clapped Lucien on the shoulder. Lucien rolled his eyes at the comment as Mor whispered into your ear, “and when you do, you still owe us girls a story after all.” She winked as your face grew hot at the talk of the act of completing the bond together.

“Calm yourself darling, we have plenty of time for that later,” Lucien pulled you into his side, “Let’s celebrate with our friends yeah?”

“Fine, I guess we can let loose a little to celebrate beating death and finding our bond.” You smiled.

“Well, what are we waiting for?! Let’s go party! I’m ready to let loose after everything that just transpired,” Mor said as everyone left to go back inside. Lucien pulled you aside before you both walked in and pushed you against a wall as he kissed you with fiery passion.

“As soon as that little party is over, I am going to fuck you into the bed, wall, desk,” he began to kiss your neck as the fresh bond between you hummed in your chest, “Any surface that I can take you on till we’re both burning this court into ashes with our love.”

You moaned at his words, “You promise?”

“If that is what my mate wants,” as he stared into your eyes as you traced your fingers down his back.

“Only if mine is willing to live up to his words,” you smirked up at him.

“Oh y/n, you are going to regret doubting me,” he said before he gave you one last kiss on the lips before offering you his hand to lead you into the house where all your friends awaited to celebrate your miracle.

You giggled as you grabbed his hand and said, “I love you so much Lu.”

“I will never get sick of those words. I love you too,” he smiled down as your intertwined hands, “You really should get those tattooed.”

“Give me a few more like them and I will,” you teased pulling Lucien inside as he let out a small groan at the thought. Both of you eager to celebrate with your friends, and to finally be able to love each other fiercely for the rest of your lives.

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thana-topsy · 4 months

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Ok I gotta come out and say it. I envy you. Like, to a painful extent. The amount of people you get interested in your characters, how you're incredibly skilled in both visual art AND writing, how readers your fics have. I absolutely adore your work, but seeing it fills me with so much envy it's honestly ridiculous.

Did you deal with similar feelings towards other creators when you started writing fic by any chance? If so, how did you deal with those feelings? I feel genuinely stuck feeling worthless about my fics. I'm not as verbose with my language despite over 10 years of writing under my belt and it seems as though my plots don't interest people as much either. So I feel like there's just nothing of worth about any of my work.

I know that this is a lot to dump on you, but I felt like I would burst keeping this all in. Much love to you and I hope you have a wonderful New Year!

Hey there my friend, I've been sitting with this all day trying to decide how I want to answer you. I genuinely appreciate your honesty, because I know this is a familiar feeling for a lot of people, myself included.

I remember when I first rejoined Tumblr in early 2019, desperately trying to find anyone to talk to about TES, I would look at all these blogs gettings asks about their OCs like they were little celebrities and feel envy and longing. Now, when these feelings start to bubble up, I force myself to take a break from sharing my work, be it art or writing, if only to remind myself why I'm creating it and who I'm creating it for: myself. I know it sounds cheesy, and I probably sound like a broken record, but genuinely I just do this because it's bursting out of my skull. But I won't lie and say the engagement and the support doesn't have a big impact on my motivation. I love sharing with people and getting an enthusiastic response.

I think something people might not realize, or maybe they just forget, is that I used to write a lot of smut. Like...a lot of smut. (I still do). Hahaha and it doesn't get a lot of comments or engagement, but it does draw a lot of eyes. Once my smut stories started taking on heavier plotlines, a comment I'd get a lot was "came for the porn, stayed for the plot." And I wasn't writing smut because I thought it would get me an audience, I was just horny LMAO. But it encouraged me to branch out and experiment with the types of stories I was telling.

Anyways, art is another big part of it, yes. But that also didn't get a lot of engagement in the beginning, and my skills were rusty as hell. I was getting maybe 15 notes on here, 30 likes on instagram. But that didn't really matter to me, I was just insane with inspiration. I'd reach out to people and ask to do art trades, got ghosted a lot, made some good friends, (some people who are still my good friends to this day!). But it took a lot of risks, and I made a lot of accidental enemies and learned a lot of hard lessons. But having visuals to go with the stories I'm writing is like advertisement in its own way. I'm just lucky enough to hyperfixate on this shit like it's my lifeblood. I've always obsessively drawn my favorite characters, ever since I was a wee bab. Long before social media was a factor or the words "content creator" even existed.

And I think that's what it all comes back to. Above all else, do what you do with unbridled joy. If someone else finds joy alongside you, all the better! Even if it's just one person. Take risks, make friends, make enemies, draw that blorbo unapologetically and with wild abandon. Love what you create, even when it's bad. Even when it makes you cringe years later, don't delete it. Even when people try to find every reason to hate what you do and who you are. Don't stop.

Every act of creation is bringing something into the world that didn't exist before you made it. And that alone gives it worth.

Happy New Year!

#topsy's asks #long post

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phantomrose96 · 1 year

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So I'm one of those people who had to take a break reading ABoT. Part way through reading I thought of that writing advice that goes something like "look at the current scenario and figure out how things can get worse" and decided ABoT was applying that advice with both fervor and finesse. It had me hooked through multiple all nighters and it wasn't until, ironically, the ending of chapter 37 where Reigen is standing in the remains of the Mogami house that I stared at the next chapter button and realized I would absolutely not be able to handle more, mentally or emotionally, if this fic kept following the previous advice. So I set it aside for a month to recover, tentatively poked into the next chapter tense and ready for things to continue spiraling, and gradually started to relax and unravel until...well, you know. I remember having to put my phone down and take a walk with the reveal of everything that Ritsu had incidentally caused (even if the blame can be pinned on basically everyone in some measure, but that's a whole other essay in my notes).

When I reached the current cliffhanger, I waited a scant day before starting all over, this time slower, more careful, and with a more analytical eye. Not for critique, but because I was confused. That writing advice from before, I'd seen it implemented both poorly and skillfully, and ABoT used it with a finesse I've yet to see anywhere else, and I had to figure out how. What made what can be boiled down to a high stakes wild goose chase so compelling? Why couldn't I put this story down until my emotional limit couldn't handle any more? How could I learn from this and make my own writing better? What did this have that I clearly lacked?

I don't think it was until after Teru's and Ritsu's first fight that it clicked for me. I stared at that scene, then my own characters, and realized I'd written two of my own meeting in a similar fight and had neglected any form of consequences. My characters became friends because of a mutual friend. Because that was the end goal I wanted. I had that omniscient knowledge; I knew I wanted them to end up as friends, so I wrote the most objectively logical decision to make.

Except. These characters aren't objectively logical. They make the decisions that look the best to them in the moment, even if those decisions are bad, or horrible. A character who's been soundly beaten into the ground by another won't so easily become their friend, even if their opponent is the nicest person ever. There's distrust and fear. They're going to make bad decisions. Things weren't getting worse for the sake of getting worse. They got worse because of the direct (bad) decisions of the characters.

Once I realized that, I was struck with such violent inspiration I wrote something like 11k words worth of scenes and revitalized my own love of writing in a day. I was so stuck on the end goals I forgot about the struggles in between. I had gotten so focused on grand, overarching conflict, I forgot how compelling it can be to just have two characters punch each other in the face. Too much of my writing had stuff happening around the characters instead of happening TO or BECAUSE of them. I had forgotten character conflict, and when I started writing those flaws, I couldn't stop. I was having too much fun!

Sorry for rambling about my own stuff, I just wanted to convey how much impact you and ABoT have had on my own creative endeavors. I've been inundated with too many stories, fics, movies that occur on such big planet-wide scales with dire, multiverse threatening levels of conflict, that when presented with a long form tale of a kid desperate for his missing brother, told from the perspectives of a small, well developed and spectacularly characterized cast, in a single city, told with stakes that made me care more than any threat to the world, it was like a breath of fresh air. So I guess this is a thank you for ABoT as a whole and a thank you for writing Ritsu the way you do.

Unfortunately for him, he's an inspiration.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YES YOU GET IT YOU GET IT YOU GET IT

ABoT, if nothing else, is a story about its characters. Everything that happens with consequence to the plot can be traced back to a character's own decisions. The characters' wants and needs and actions and faults all come first, and the plot follows accordingly.

(And maybe that sounds obvious.) Aren't stories about characters? But there are so many stories where the characters are just kinda... there. They're blank slates to receive the plot happening around them. Many things they try to do have no consequence. They'll try to take action and the plot will carry on exactly the same as though they'd never even tried, because the writer doesn't want to figure out how that character action might matter. Or a character will do something awful and the plot will just brush past and forget, no consequences or continuity, because the writer had their fun in the moments but now they care about getting the plot back on track, and that would be annoying to work around. They create stories where you can't put your excitement and investment in the characters cuz you just... can't trust they'll matter.

The most important thing about ABoT, to me, is that the characters are making it happen. The good, the bad, can all be traced back to decisions characters had the active choice in making.

I have plenty of fun joking that ABoT is one of those "oh my god it keeps getting worse!!!" stories, but I never ever do that by just dropping random terrible things from the sky. It's always the characters. It's them and it's their consequences of everything they've set in motion, or fought against, or allowed to happen. It's always a thread, thoroughly traceable, spawning from character actions which drives everything both good and terrible (and SUPREMELY terrible) that happens. It will always be the characters.

And I really, truly believe this is what I'm doing to make what is ultimately a wild goose chase featuring less than a dozen people worth reading. When Ritsu fucks up, it's worth caring about because you know this will impact the course of the story. When Reigen succeeds, it matters because he does have a grip on the reigns of the plot and has the chance to better this for everyone. When a character does anything, it matters because is about them, and what they're desperately trying to achieve.

And when a scene isn't about "an action with a consequence", it's still a scene with a point. For any scene I write I always make sure I can answer "what's the point of this scene?" Mob and Reigen reopening Spirits and Such isn't about to barrel the plot forward, but it's hearty and important character development for them. It's the "why should I care about this future being snatched from their grip" when everything goes wrong.

When everything went bad bad around chapter 32, and tumbled worse for many chapters to come, it was me finally tipping over the first domino in a chain of dominoes the characters themselves have been setting up since the start. It went bad not because I arbitrarily decided to fuck with them, but because everyone's actions carried consequences.

Even with ABoT's WORST possible outcome, where Mogami comes out the victor with everything he wants, all others crushed beneath him, this will mean the ruination or death of about... 10 people. A blip on the news. An "oh isn't that sad?" when a second kidnapped son never makes it home, when a conman goes missing (not noticed until a month later when the rent comes due), when a police officer kills his wife and himself, when an orphan kid vanishes off the map from Black Vinegar mid. And life would carry on. And the sun would still rise every day. And no part of this would end the world.

But if I'm doing this right, I want that outcome to feel like the end of the world. I want it to feel worse than that, given what a quiet and unsung tragedy it would be for all these personal efforts and struggles and desperate reaches for betterment are snuffed where they stand. Because they tried and it mattered and they failed anyway.

It IS just a wild goose chase centering around a kid who wants to have his kidnapped brother back, and it's 350k+ words to me.

dfjkdfnkjdf so anyway, I am very clearly super thrilled you were able to see this! It all ties back to character weaknesses and strengths, consequences of actions, irrational responses to situations fueled by character, and not by logic, and the audience knowing that what these characters do will matter. I love stories where humans are messy. I love stories where the tragedy happened because of them, where you can trace the thread back and find exactly how it all went wrong. I love clashing personalities. I love character spirals you can see a mile away and yet you know exactly why the character did that. I love yelling at the pages while knowing that realistically, this character wasn't going to do any better than that. I love knowing exactly how things could have been avoided, and knowing exactly why they happened anyway. I love seeing consequences stick. I love seeing characters matter. And I'm goddamn thrilled you feel that way too and that ABoT could make you find the way to do that in your own characters!!!

#abot #a breach of trust #sorry this took so long to answer i kept writing responses that got way off track #and then I'd have to come back like #'no you cannot write a 20000 word explanation of every single pivotal character action and consequence in abot'#'i know you (me) worked hard to plan those out but you (me) cannot write all that'

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