I think back to when I was younger (later teenage years) and feel so bad for her. Finally after years of begging she received therapy and psychiatric services but none of it was clicking.

I remember being SO eager to pinpoint a diagnosis. I didn’t understand at the time what else I was supposed to do to feel better and no one was guiding me. I was living in a chronic state of hyperarousal or hypoarousal and needed to focus on how to maintain resiliency and stability. I didn’t know that those terms even existed back then. The only thing I knew to do, the only resource I thought I had, was to be diagnosed.

This created a complex thought process around being diagnosed that I would struggle with for years. I wish I could go back to younger me and tell her that a diagnosis doesn’t matter. What matters is finding ways to manage your symptoms that feels better. As long as you are starting to feel better it does not matter what it is labeled as.

I looked up “anger from PTSD” and found this, cos I’m experiencing some anger out of nowhere, and couldn’t figure out why … okays, not entirely “out of nowhere” … I am irritated with how slow the xfinity internet is on Micky’s laptop which I use nowadays, as well as the slow mobile data on my smartphone (I need to upload my pics and such, as I’m running out of space, so that probably adds to how slow it is).

Anyways, I have C-PTSD, which is officially written down as “chronic PTSD” on my chart, but is otherwise commonly known as “complex PTSD” … I get all of these symptoms on the list and more, but I don’t substance abuse.

My “major depressive disorder” and crippling “anxiety”, officially written down as “social anxiety” (and is literally “social phobia” level for me these days – although I tend to get super anxious about everything) are most likely just part of my C-PTSD, rather than their own disorders, as I learnt more about C-PTSD and PTSD through the women’s trauma group … which I haven’t been attending in a while, as it’s too heavy and too much for me to start with, and I don’t feel comfortable, or safe, around, or like hearing the stories from, the other patients, either. I get, like, “vicarious trauma”, from hearing other people’s experiences, and being exposed to media with traumatic events, and it bothers me, a lot. 🥺

Being an empath, as my social worker calls me, really sucks. I also saw a post about “hyper-empathy” being a trauma response to protect one’s self, so who knows. Maybe that applies to me.

Oh, and my everyday hallucinations, occasional delusions, and slight paranoia being anxiety and trauma based?

Clearly from my C-PTSD.

It isn’t my “major depressive disorder”, as it isn’t mood based. I hallucinate regardless of mood.

And I don’t have a psychotic disorder, as I am always aware they’re not real (look up “pseudo-hallucinations” aka “non-psychotic hallucinations” for more info).

It’s just difficult being immersed in them when they happen, cos the experience and emotional responses I’m having FEEL real, even if I logically KNOW better, but I can’t just turn them off, hence “psychotic features” (this is totally different from fantasies and daydreams, btw – I add this note here, as my friends and mutuals often say they can “relate” with their own imaginary friends, but … I’m not so sure about that).

Plus, I’ve gotten much better being off antipsychotic medication aka the “wash out” trial, which proves it’s not a psychotic disorder, according to my APRN, and also proves my social worker’s theory it’s anxiety and trauma-based.

But what’s interesting is that if I’m immersed in a pastime, or around other people, even if I’m quiet, I don’t hallucinate unless I WANT to talk to my imaginary friends in my head (this is fantasizing and daydreaming, although I really do hear their voices respond, feel their touches, etc. – I guess it’s like my conscious mind roleplaying with my subconscious mind, in a way).

Oh, and I used to refer to what I experienced as “sensory overload”, until I was taught about hyperarousal (nothing to do with sexuality) aka hypervigilance, which is a symptom of PTSD and C-PTSD.

I get easily overwhelmed and startled by crowds, loud/sudden sounds, strong smells, closed in spaces, being touched without warning, etc. – my brothers, particularly Micky, get a laugh out of spooking me cos I’ll always respond so dramatically, LOL!

I don’t mean to, it just happens … >o<;;

Dikkat Eksikliği ve Hiperaktivite Bozukluğu adının ne kadar yanlış olduğunu hep söylüyoruz ama böyle yoğun zamanlarda daha çok idrak ediyorum.

İmkanı yok kafamı projeden uzaklaştıramıyorum, başka hiçbir şeye odaklanamıyorum.

Mesele dikkatin "eksik" olması değil sayın seyirciler, şu an mesela seslenince duymayacak kadar yoğun dikkatim. Mesele dikkatin kontrol edilemiyor olması.Ayarsızlığı.

Aklıma güzel fikirler geliyor projeyle alakalı mesela, kalbim çarpıyor şu an. Baya heyecanlanıyorum yani, sanki sevgilimi falan hayal ettim.

Bunun dışarıdan güzel bir şeymiş gibi göründüğünün farkındayım ama olumlu bir duygu da olsa, fiziksel olarak çok yoğun ve bazen gerçekten yoruyor. Yıpratıyor.

Adı üstünde "emotional hyper-arousal", yani aşırı bir uyarılmışlık hali. Bazı şeyler için duygu hissetmeye gerek yok. Çalışmak duygusal bir eylem değil, renk paletlerine bakarken heyecanlanmaya da gerek yok be.

Sıkıcı işler yaparken de gel gör beni, sanki o 30 bardak kahve içmiş gibi elleri titreyen, volta atarak makineli tüfek gibi konuşan ben değilim. Uyudu uyuyacak halde, esneyerek, bir kaplumbağa yavaşlığında hareket ediyor ve mouse'u tıklatmaya üşeniyorum.

Öyle bir şey ki şu an saniyede onlarca görsel uçuşuyor gözlerimin önünde, birkaç saniye içinde o kadar çok fikir geliyor ki zihnimin hızına ellerim yetişemiyor kağıda aktaramıyorum. Böyle zamanlarda sık sık keşke beynimizin içinde screenshot alabilsek diye hayıflanırım.

O kadar çok şey yapmak istiyorum ki ve hepsini de o kadar "hemen şu anda" istiyorum ki bazen hangisinden başlayacağımı bilemiyorum.

Böyle zamanlarda tabii yemek yemeyi de unutuyorum.

Öyle bir heyecan ki bu, şey gibi işte.

"Bugün o kadar güzel bir gün ki kahve mi yapsam kendimi mi öldürsem karar veremiyorum" gibi. Bebeklerin gülerken bir anda ağlamaya başlaması gibi, ya da tam tersi ağlarken gülmeye başlamaları.

Ne biliyim birine o kadar aşık olmak ki yanındayken özlemek ve ağlamak gibi.

Ve aslında yakınmıyorum, sadece yabancıyım. Çoook uzun süre depresyon uyuşukluğunda, o hissizlikte kaldığım için, normal halim yabancı geliyor hâlâ.

Neyse gidiyim de dizi falan izliyim, kel alaka insanları stalklıyım kafam boşalana kadar.

What's the difference between hyper vigilance and hyperarousal? I can't relax and its like my nerves are on fire but Im not particularly vigilant, I can't tell if its just anxiety or something else but it keeps happening and I can't even sit still or relax and I don't know how to handle it and make it stop

That's a good question, nonnie. To answer it, I had to do a bit of research and ask my mental health nurse friend, and this is what I gathered about both.

Hypervigilance:

I made a post about physical and emotional signs of hypervigilance here, but, in a nutshell, when you're hypervigilant:

There is a sensation of threat or danger, even if you don't know the cause. You find yourself looking around for signs of it. There's sometimes a sense of impending doom.

You're focused on surviving.

You may get rushing thoughts, often about your safety, and that makes it hard to concentrate on anything else or physically relax.

You may have physical symptoms such as an elevated heart-rate, fast breathing, inability to eat or sleep, and shakiness, among others.

It can be a result of trauma/PTSD, anxiety and anxiety-related disorders, and other mental illnesses/disorders, like schizophrenia, dementia and personality disorders for which paranoia might be a symptom, like BPD.

Hyperarousal:

Although it can present similarly to hypervigilance, hyperarousal is merely about having an excess of energy.

There's no perception of a threat.

It can be triggered by many different things: caffeine, medication, excitement about some good news you just got, other situational factors (you just performed in front of a public, you went to an amazing concert, someone you like said they liked you back, you read some spoilers for a show you like). It can also be a symptom of some disorders and neurodivergencies, like ADHD.

That excess energy can still give you some of the physical symptoms of hypervigilance: it can make you feel tense, or like you're buzzing and can't sit still because you need to do things. You can find yourself looking around anxiously in search of something to redirect all your energy toward.

When you're hyperaroused, there's often adrenaline in your system, which can make you feel shaky, fidgety, restless, or unable to concentrate, relax, or fall asleep.

Again, this isn't linked to any perceived threats or feelings of danger or impending doom. What can happen, however, is you can become irritated or frustrated if you don't find a way to let the energy out or if someone or something is getting in the way of you letting it out.

You can have rushing thoughts, but they might be about anything, not just danger.

To get through hyperarousal, especially if it's situational, it can help to do diaphragmatic breathing and to try and use up the adrenaline (via running, jumping or flailing your arms, for example). You can also do progressive muscle relaxation (clenching all your muscles one by one and then relaxing them from head to toe). If necessary, remind yourself that you are safe and that it's okay to feel this way. It's okay to find ways to let out the excess energy.

If it's happening frequently, though, it might be important to look for a possible cause—especially if it's interfering with your life. If you've recently started taking caffeine, you could try to reduce your daily intake or take a break from it, and see if that helps. If you're on any meds, make sure to read the leaflet for secondary effects that might be related to restlessness or excess energy (or any other symptoms you may be experiencing). If any such effects are listed or if you still don't know the cause, consider talking to your doctor.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares, and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

Check out the post to know more about it...

As you continue to breathe and notice the air moving in and out of your lungs you may think about the role that oxygen plays in nourishing your body and bathing your tissues with the energy you need to feel alive and engaged.

"The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma" - Bessel van der Kolk

10/19/22

Today was a better day. Catching up on sleep helped a lot. But I'm like 90% sure I'm in a state right now that --- I just Googled it to check --- is called hypervigilance. It is like... super-anxiety. It's like hearing a leaf land on the ground and jumping in surprise. But mine is really taking the form of thoughts, concepts, scenarios, that kinda stuff. The environmental stuff is there, but it's not as intense. I feel like I'm puffing out my chest and being manly, like... Ooooo I'm not scared of the dark. And I do put on that act sometimes. But being alone has genuinely gotten me used to hearing the chipmunks and mice in the wall behind my head and not freaking out. Hearing a sound in the other room and taking a second to identify "is that a cat sound?" before just immediately thinking "there's a murderer in my home" or "the aliens have landed and they specifically want to experiment on me" or some imaginative shit. Ghost is a fun one too, right?

I love how we all make so many movies about this stuff, and go watch it for fun! I used to ALL the time. Play a scary game or something, I used to love that shit. But the second your anxiety actually allows you to believe that it might actually be real. And it might actually be happening right now? The second you find actual faith? When you look in the sky and see something freaky, and you actually go "you know what, that might actually be a UFO". That started uncorking my PTSD, I guess. Somehow. That whole moment of like "you know, there could be someone in your driveway right now scoping out your house to rob it" and you... sincerely believe it. To the point where you're sneakily trying to peek out the window and see the driveway without being seen. I think that shit is way more common than people would ever admit. And it can really fuck with you if you've had an extensive, consistent history of getting a hunch that something sketchy or fucked up was happening, and it turns out... it was.

I think that's a big part of what PTSD is. Getting stuck in that moment, and having that moment come back constantly, set off by the smallest things. For me, it goes in waves. Seasons seem to affect it very strongly, much more than I thought. Summer and Winter tend to actually be very consistent. Transition seasons - Spring and Fall, are the most... I notice myself using this word much more after listening to BTBAM's new album... turbulent. In Spring, I tend to get big bursts of energy and inspiration, creative projects get to massive scales; it's when things are blossoming and I'm going back into the world after being inside most of the time, going out only really to skate and supply runs. If I can capture that motivation, that momentum, and carry it into the Summer, it can grow to a massive scale. I get a shit ton done, and I tend to be outside for the majority of it. When I can, I have no idea how that's gonna work in the city, probably skating... I guess... I don't know.

But Fall... Fall is a tricky one. Right when the seasons change, things start getting a bit nuts. And... I have a lot of difficult anniversaries this time of year. Not just my birthday in the middle of October, but anniversaries of traumas. And quite a few of them, too. So... Fall, as is poetic and in tradition, truly is about death. And the boundary between this world and the Underworld being exceptionally thin. I was reading about Samhain today, a reminder from a little bit of kinda novelty/kinda serious study of Modern Druidry. The history it's rooted in is fascinating and my inner mythology nerd gets really excited to learn new ancient myths. I grew up on Greek and Egyptian mythology, mostly Greek, it was basically the only form of spiritual belief I was exposed to at a young age and it formed very viscerally into my framework of the world. Besides Star Wars, of course. I studied other religions in college and along the way, extensively. And dabbled in practice here and there, out of self discovery.

Samhain is apparently when the barrier between the world and the underworld is thinnest. On Halloween. When all the demons come out to play. When we put really grotesque displays on our lawns... why? Because it's what you do on this day. But... why are you putting an plastic skeleton running over another plastic skeleton with a lawnmower on your lawn? To scare children? To scare adults? To scare... the spirits? I mean, do we even remember why we do this?! I'm not against it at all, I think it's an amazing excuse to be creative and funny and theatrical! And I wish people made more excuses to do that! But like... I just love to find the origins of things. And finding the origin of something that must look so goddamn weird to other cultures who have never heard of it... finding that origin is like... finding something hidden in plain sight on a dollar bill or something. It's like... whoa... I'll never look at it the same again! So... I guess it's when the spirits come back to visit. And maybe it's not like... all spirits are spooky vengeful ghosts making you relive their trauma... Maybe a lot are... but like... don't forget the Caspers. You know? Don't forget Obi Wan, Yoda and Anakin. And Luke, I guess. Sorry new trilogy haters, I haven't weighed in fully yet.

So maybe it makes sense that I get all super sensitive this time of year. And maybe it's just coincidence that this much bad shit happens to me this time of year. Maybe I just feel it more this time of year, I don't know. But I do know that this time of year absolutely embodies the tarot concept of Death to me. "Endings, Failure, Letting go of attachments, Mortality, Profound change, Severe illness" Breakups, Deaths, Panic Attacks, Failing out of college. So yeah, it's pretty dead-on. Badump-tss.

So... I'm very sensitive to it this year. And it's put me in this state the past few days, in tandem with my already existing trauma reopening, of hypervigilance, hyperarousal. When I hear something scary, I start going "what if" and "oh shit" within... nanoseconds. Like the second my brain registers the scary thing (empathizing with others' trauma, empathizing with characters in video games, like real empathy, that kinda thing) my emotions like dread and "oh fuck" just hit like a goddamn truck. And it starts getting real. And it's almost like the feeling of shit getting real happens before the "what if" anxious thought. I guess that would make it a reflex, which is like... I guess the difference between panic and anxiety. So that reflex is just like... hair trigger lately.

But I got some good techniques to try, and I'm gonna get super serious with it this time. Diaphragmic breathing, 4 times a day, more if needed. Learn how to breathe right. I don't pay enough attention to it, and it will likely help me with my sleep apnea shit, so I really need to be consistent with it, and make my automatic breathing healthier. It will make a profound difference in my daily well-being, especially after being a smoker for like 15+ years.

Also, progressive relaxation. Idk if that's the term. Where you relax your body one section at a time, from toes to head or whatever works for you. That has worked well in the past too, I condensed it down to just relaxing my jaw for a bit, but I think I might need some bigger guns for a time like this. And...

Another one that helped me out last night was sorta just taking a minute, getting in touch with my breathing. Bringing myself back to now. And looking around. Seeing that I am safe. Believing that I am safe. Noticing the feeling of being safe, what it physically and emotionally feels like. And remembering what it feels like. And it's weird how alien it feels sometimes. I'm selling short how much that helped, it helped me so much that I put a like on a 2 year old PTSD self-help video and considered writing a comment.

Yes, some of these techniques sound stupid. Or like... small. Like... a change that small won't make a big difference. The way I changed my outlook on these things - yes, I did used to think exactly that, "that's lame hippy shit, how is that going to actually solve such a big problem?!" - was... working with water. Let me elaborate.

I have a stream on my landlord's property. It's not mine, okay. But... it might as well be. Because that thing was precious to me for a good year. It got flooded with gravel after a series of very big storms, the whole inlet into the pond from the stream was just tons of gravel. I have no idea how it all got down there without clogging drainage pipes and stuff. But I started going out there and searching for cool rocks. I loved it since I was a kid, I just never really learned anything about rocks. So I started studying geology, I'm still pretty new but I'm learning a lot. This was a few years ago, btw. And I moved my way up from the gravel area to the stream itself and started to rearrange the stones. To clean leaves and mud out of the area, and make waterfalls and pools, and line the edges. I started reshaping and rejuvenating the area. By the end of that summer, the stream had dried up, but at its peak consisted of two ~10" waterfalls which I designed pools under designed to create a deliberate pitch and tone. I wanted to tune them to minor 3rds, but the stream dried up before I could really put in the time to learn how. I was learning how to direct the water and shape the environment around it to create desired effects. And I learned very well how drastically and surprisingly quick a lazy stream can erode soil. And how subtle changes in flow can cause big changes further downstream. It's a law of nature, a force. And it helped me connect this idea of making changes in your self, your habits, your personality, your decision making, your goals, in a way that is fluid. It doesn't play well with rigidity... but with practice, the combination of structure (shape, design, deliberate direction) and flow (intuition, confidence, emotion, passion, drive, letting go) is what I loved most about what I ended up calling my Zen Garden. What it symbolized, and let me practice physically, like a kid in a sandbox, is a constant reminder of what I seek to attain in my self.

A balance between humanity and nature. Harmony between impulse and reaction - stimulating a result of engagement, not recoiling in fear. The forces of Earth and Water forming something more than the sum of its parts. It's hard to really define without poetry, to be honest. XD Maybe that's why we have it! ;)

I was going to get to bed early tonight, now it's 7 AM. Vet appointment for kitty on Thursday, her crate is washed. My mom is going to go with me. It's not with the vet who put my dog down, its another person I haven't met. Maybe that's better for now. I don't know, it's gonna be hard. Max is really not good at the vet. She's amazing, she's just... a trauma case, like me. And she got separated from her mom at a really young age, so... I mean, it's not her fault. She just gets really scared by them and is very difficult and I don't know how to help reassure her. And she claws and bites and stuff. So... it's gonna be a tough one.

But on a brighter note - even brighter than the sun that's totally up right now... I got more work done on my hoodie. I'm excited to finish this piece up, and I have more fabric markers coming tomorrow. And I mean... a lot more work done. And I'm kinda getting in a rhythm with it, which makes it go much faster. So I'm pretty excited for how this is gonna turn out.

OH SHIT. I had a cool idea in the shower. Wanna get this down before I forget. So, when I first got Max, I made her a necklace out of weaved hemp twine. She would never let me put it on her, she hated it, she constantly tried to take it off. I felt really bad, so I just... never had a collar on her. But... some peoples' cats like collars? I guess? So here's what I thought would be really fuckin cool. A braided hemp collar with a pendant, or beads, or both... that are flourite. So they should glow under a blacklight. I thought yooperlite would be cool too. If you don't know what that is, do yourself a favor and give it a youtube search. Same kinda concept, but very different look, it looks like magma blocks would in Minecraft if it were a real video game. XD

How goddamn cool would that be for like... hippies who want really cool gear for their pets. Or for themselves, daaamn. Both! Maybe I could do dog collars too, that might work. The only part I was hung up on was the latch. Or whatever you call it. I was thinking not using plastics. But I don't know how a cat would react to a metal clasp or something. Is that too much weight? Might be worth testing...

I've been obsessing over this "only local materials gathered by me" shit, but if I could get something really cool like that... unique like that... and get it all polished and custom shaped the way I want it? That would just save me a fuck ton of work and I can just get right to the fun part of putting it all together. So... I think this is a really cool idea, and I think it can mesh well with what I'm currently doing, just adding in more exotic and special materials, instead of just using what I find in the local river.

So, despite the hyper-anxiety, I am still getting really good inspiration, and getting good work done on existing projects. So, I would definitely call today a good day. We'll see what tomorrow brings, because I'm very late for bed!

視覚優位の感覚過敏ASD自閉症スペクトラム興味の光に淀む幼い頃トラウマ暗闇。作業所雨降り暗い室内でチラチラ疎ましくも好まし近未来SF的に輝く蛍光灯のopp袋の反射を見て過覚醒に心躍る。繊細さんHSS型HSP風自傷行為的感覚探求大人の発達障害アスペルガー/自閉スペクトラム症で通う就労継続支援B型で

Emotional hyperarousal?

I thought I was too sensitive when I got intense (read: mostly angry and sad) reactions to people criticizing things I like or rejecting them as if they didn't exist. And when I say intense, I mean thinking about that for hours on end, thinking about a way to confront others. Ending up not doing it because eventually, no one cares. I am an adult, I should be able to manage my emotions! Then I found out it might be emotional hyperarousal?

I've never been able to control my emotions. I think, get very intense about it, and I try to keep it inside myself because "dude, you can't get an opinion influence you that much!" I'm a little ashamed of this, of being intense to the point of looking immature.

I remember when I was younger (as in mandatory school). I used to get angry at everyone who pissed me off because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. This resulted in being rejected a lot by people (and hated), and this is also something sensitive to me. Why couldn't I manage these emotions better? Why no one noticed and helped me? And this is also connected to emotional sensitivity and rejection sensitivity.

I am glad that I'm able to interpret these things now, but I wish I knew it sooner. I've lived most of my life being called "too much" or "exaggerated" or being belittled for my emotional reactions to how other people treated me like shit or how I reacted to a lot of these things. I wish I knew how to emotionally regulate better now, because that's one of the reasons I feel so burned out lately. I can't manage my emotions properly and I wish I did.

I wish my ptsd made me seem shy and delicate and nervous instead of like

Editing to add that while it is comforting to have people tell me like "it's okay if you have an anxiety attack!" to explain they won't think it's a burden to have to comfort me or stop doing whatever. Except my anxiety attacks just look like me being the meanest bitch you've ever encountered, not shaking and crying meekly. Just wish more people understood that anxiety and trigger reactions can look like rage instead of sadness or fear.

im gonna get such a bad grade in theraphy tomorrow bro… i didnt do my all of my homework two weeks in a row

I just scared the shit out of myself