thoughts on fanfiction, perfectionism, and being enough

I'm pretty sure I'm ill and half-asleep and the Good Omens fandom has destroyed my last tenuous grasp on reality, but I am making a post anyway not knowing what I'm going to say. Because that's what this site is for, is it not?

*holds out hand* *waits for you to take it* Hey, you know, you're never going to be done. You're never going to look at something you made and think it's perfect. It's never going to be enough. It's okay to stop and it let it be imperfect. The earth didn't just birth life into just the right conditions, it made creatures which evolved and went extinct, ice ages which ended, volcanos that destroyed life and volcanos that preserved cities for millennia. It made jagged rocks that would be smoothened by rivers and stomachs that would hunger, rivers that would flood and rivers that would run dry.

Create imperfect things and give them to the world. Let the world create from it in turn in an endless cycle. Like Milton on the Bible, like BBC with Sherlock Holmes, like anyone writing fanfiction of their favourite show... Let your creation be imperfect, so you can see all the million ways in which people try to perfect it. All the million ways in which perfection can exist. That's the beauty of fandoms and fanworks. It keeps the creation evolving, keeps it breathing and alive. It becomes the work of a million people, and carries their stories with it in a little back pocket.

And maybe we were made to be imperfect too. Our hair tangles just to be brushed, our arm itches just to be scratches, our hand clenches just to be held and unclenched. There are odd shapes that make us up but they fit in with everyone else's, in handshakes, in bridal carries, in a parent lifting a child, a rescue worker lifting a victim, a girl kissing her wife, a child hugging his toy, a person holding their hands in prayer or in pain.

I'm trying to remind myself of that, because it's so easy to keep wanting more, to believe that there will be a point at which I will be satisfied with what I have done. Even in this fandom, I look at my ridiculous summaries I accidentally wound up making, and look at someone's beautiful meta blog and I feel like shrinking a little bit. But in real life, I'm a designer and an artist, a reader and poet and songwriter, and someone who has been a writer the past eight years, if not all my life. Have I done enough to qualify for any of these roles? Who knows? It shouldn't matter to me, and it shouldn't matter to you, whatever you love doing or are doing.

It will never be enough, you will never be enough for yourself. Can we try to make peace with that little gap in ourselves that acts like a vacuum to keep sucking in more and more effort and things? It'll never be filled. That's okay.

*squeezes your hand before letting go* Isn't it amazing how imperfect and fucked up we all are? Isn't it beautiful that we don't have to sit and stare at statues we cannot touch, but we get stone that we can keep carving all we like? That creation starts with imperfection? I don't know if I'm making sense anymore, the medications are kicking in and my eyes are closing. But I love all of you, everyone who is a maggot and everyone reading this post, too.

Take this *holds out a seashell* it's pretty and it's broken and the animal that made it his home changed it, the sea changed it, and I hope you change it, too. That's all.

go to the end, lovelies. it’s already written.

One month today into my sobriety journey ❤️‍🩹 🙏 ❤️‍🩹

Why is this movie helping me with my trauma lol

Remember today you’re enough Please don’t do this my heart is breaking Know they love you you tried You did but So did they But I raged so much But so did they We built our castles just to watch them wash away They are my rascals I can’t let them walk away In the waves, oh the waves Hold my hand

Chords - The Amazing Devil

So take this heart and break this heart for extraordinary things It's not a want, it's a need It is paying no heed to what others say to sing The greatest songs are made up of unspoken words of love Of them I have had enough With you, I have enough With you, I am enough I am, I am enough

Extraordinary Things - Jaskier

Since I’m so fucking disgusting, have some tiddies

I wasn't enough because I wasn't the one...

Me showing up for you wasn't enough,

Me loving you wasn't enough,

Me coming to you, talking to you, going to war for you wasn't enough..

Because I was never the one...

No matter how much I poured into your cup.

Yaadie

you are kenough

Starting and ending every single fucking day in a GOOD MOOD is not something I am used to. Not being an emotional wreck, like ever is culture shock. I am sure it will even out and I will be like everyone else, but every day right now is sunshine, because I haven't felt this in so so fucking long, I don't know how to gauge it. I feel great every day because I know what it's like to be in hell every fucking day. And I keep crying. How did I deserve this peace?? I have a life. And air in my lungs. A family I adore, and friends I'd do anything for...and it's enough. The introvert isn't quite as introverted anymore. So if any of you EVER need a friend... Someone to talk to who would instantly understand no matter the circumstance... ...or if you would just like to be friends beyond just reblogging stuff from each other? I would love to talk to you. The real me is a pretty damn good friend.

𝐼 𝒶𝓂 𝑒𝓃𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽 𝒻𝓁𝒶𝓌𝓈 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒶𝓁𝓁