#having specific body goals as a normal person and i just... can't. because i always take it a little bit too far. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kelean · 1 year

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it's always funny to me when people blame jack's insanity and genocidal tendencies solely on lilith and moxxi's so-called "betrayal" and at this point i'm convinced that they played some different game because:

lilith and moxxi literally saw him kill innocent scientists only because he thought they may betray him, but there was no solid evidence for that. and even if there actually was a traitor among them, jack could've simply put them in some sort of jail or just deal with them quietly. but no. instead he decided to make a whole show out of killing them in one of the most cruel ways possible, while gathering all of his allies around. because his goal wasn't to just get rid of someone you can't trust - he wanted lilith, moxxi and roland to see what will happen to them if they dare to disobey him

after he killed the meriff he thought that it was - quote-unquote - "invigorating". killing scientists also "felt good". normal person behavior btw

he never cared about felicity. he doesn't feel any remorse or guilt after killing her, even though she was helping him this entire time. and correct if i'm wrong, but while he did need an army to take helios back, he, in the end, never actually used it. the loaders in bl:tps couldn't do much - we had to manually turn them into the loaders who can shoot or blow up stuff. and it was after we already got on helios. so basically, there was no rush to make a constructor out of felicity and consequently kill her in the process

by the time of the events of bl:tps he has already destroyed moxxi's underdome like she said in one of the side quests in bl2 (nevertheless, she still agreed to help him). and before you say anything about how he couldn't actually do that and it's a retcon because he was a low-level programmer may i remind you that he had the money to make a goddamn body double for himself. he had a fancy office. he had a chamber for angel's containment. and i think it's pretty believable that a person with that much money is capable of doing that

and yes, angel. while lilith and roland didn't know about that at the time, he has already enslaved his own daughter many years ago and used her to manipulate them into finding the vault for him in bl1. and he had the resources to keep her in her place, too

so, of course, when they saw the eye of the destroyer they knew what was going on. imagine somehow killing a monster that took down armies just to see its' eye being used by some big fucking corporation for god knows what years later

now, to the fun part - the betrayal. let's just say that moxxi’s good at reading people - she wasn’t wrong when she called jack a «power-hungry psychopath» and said that «a lot of decent people will live to regret it if you come down from helios alive» as we will see in the future events. she and others saw jack's true colors shine through during their little quest to save the moon and it was the only logical conclusion. she was fucking right

moxxi specifically asked jack to be at the eye of helios because she planned to kill him (and, well, people who agreed to work for him) and him (and his team) only. moreover, the station was already under attack by the lost legion by quite some time. so there was literally no possibility that it would've impacted any innocents (so idk from where some people got the idea that they killed "millions of innocent hyperions" - that's just called making shit up)

jack, on the other hand, didn't know how much of an impact that caused. however, he isn’t sad about the possible death of people that singularity might have caused (again, it could, but it didn’t - still, Jack doesn’t give a fuck). he isn’t even worried about his own team. all he cares about is that he lost a very valuable and deadly weapon because of «the things he could have done with it» - and it’s pretty obvious what exactly can you do with this sort of weapon. it wasn't just standing there to look pretty you know

also, while we’re at it, you can even argue how this whole “saving the moon and its’ people” thing might have been just a cover up for a real reason – that is, get this very dangerous weapon back under his control. but that's just a speculation based on some of the in-game things i've noticed, so let's not dwell on it

finally, i never really got why people are so mad at lilith for punching jack - she literally admits that she should’ve just killed him instead, as, in the end, it costed her a lot of people’s lives and, more specifically, roland’s life. she feels extremely guilty. she knows that she fucked up. her main mistake, however, wasn't that she "betrayed" jack - her main mistake was leaving him to die instead of finishing a job and thinking that he can actually be trustworthy

#saw lilith and moxxi hate in the borderlands tag a couple of days ago so. i had to write something #btw really funny how people who blame them for killing 'innocent hyperions' (even tho they literally didnt do that lol) are the same people #who never say anything about rhys killing like. who knows how many people when he crushed helios #and its actually confirmed by the goddamn game. but yeah he is the good guy for trying to kill jack by any means possbile while lilith #and moxxi are cruel and deserve to die <3 like do you guys hear yourself #borderlands #lilith the siren #mad moxxi #NOT putting jack's tag here lol. i'd put his 'critical' tag but tumblr's search is too f up for this #vi.txt

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queerprayers · 1 year

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Tw// ed mention

Johanna, I don't feel confident in my body as a butch and I'm not sure what to do... I feel so excited seeing other masc/butch/studs and they look so strong and cool, but working out often leads to a relapse for me. Ik butches come in all shapes & sizes but I still can't help feeling like I'm an 'ugly/bad' one. Do you have any advice? Or know any bible verses that might help?

Hello, beloved!

I know firsthand how painful self-image issues can be! I'm sorry you're struggling with this right now, and I hope I can be of help. I'm going to put some verses/reflections after a "keep reading" at the bottom, so I can quote things in full and not make this the longest post ever on people's dashes. :) Here are some thoughts:

You not working out sounds like an act of self-care and protection--honor that. That is a strength and I'm proud of you for knowing yourself. As someone who doesn't do much exercise because of fatigue/pain (and the potential of it leading similar places as you), I've had to find other ways to connect with my body. I obviously don't know your journey or what things are specifically triggering to you, but I've found a lot of joy in things like yoga, that don't have anything to do with numbers or looks. And besides those kind of practices, there's things like learning to bake or knit or really anything that has a physical element. Finding non-triggering ways to move and connect with your body is really valuable and I pray you can find that.

One of the pieces of advice that's most helped me is actually "fake it till you make it." Which I know sounds dumb and corny but I've turned it into a question: "What would I do/say/wear right now if I loved/cared about/valued myself?" And then I.... do/say/wear that. Not fake it as in lie to yourself, but fake it as in start creating a life in which you care for yourself now, if you don't feel good about yourself. Obviously easier said than done, but it's been such a great exercise. I spent many years saying "Okay, what would today look like if I cared about myself? I don't, not yet, but what would I do?" And the answer was that I would go outside, or take my meds, or stand up for myself, or wear funky lipstick. And slowly, somewhere along the way, I didn't have to fake it anymore. So much of self-confidence/acceptance for me has been about doing. Our relationship with ourselves fluctuates, and some days we just wake up and feel horrible about ourselves. But we can continue caring for ourselves through that, hoping that tomorrow will be different. And when tomorrow's different, future you will be glad you took care of yourself today.

You, as you are now, are worthy of care and cool outfits and love. Self-confidence is a lovely thing to have, and it can be a goal for all of us, but you are still whole and valuable without it. Maybe you can't be confident right now. It's hard but it's okay. What else are you? Creative? Kind? Determined? You don't have to like your body to live in/with it. A lot of people find body neutrality a more useful framework than body positivity for this reason. I don't always have to think I'm attractive/sexy/beautiful, I just live here. My body matters because it exists.

And try this on for size: What if you're ugly? That's a subjective word that I think is horrible to use about other people, but genuinely, like, let's say that was a thing. What would change? People I don't personally find attractive are still worthy of existence and love and identity. People who don't/can't fit standards of beauty are still people. I had to deconstruct my ideas of what it meant to be attractive before I could ever consider myself attractive. I'm sure you've met someone that you didn't find particularly attractive. Hopefully you just... treated them normally. What would that look like if you approached yourself that way, as just... a person?

As a femme, I promise I have loved and valued butches of all shapes and sizes. :) I've felt similar unworthy feelings looking up to other femmes, but part of figuring everything out has been finding where I exist and what inspiration I take from others, not how I can look exactly like them. I'm inspired every day by people of all presentations, and a lot of what I'm inspired by is just people being themselves! That excitement you feel seeing other people like you? Don't let that be because you hate who you are now. Try to let that be because you want to heal, because you want to exist peacefully with yourself. I would also bet that part of your excitement is self-identification. You see yourself in other butches--you see who you already are as well as who you want to become. Find community in others, not envy. Envy festers and turns to resentment. Community betters others as well as yourself. And I promise, the people you look up to have had to reckon with this, too. The buffest most handsome butch in the world has had to carve out a space for themselves, has had to work for their confidence, and sometimes looks in the mirror and doesn't like what they see.

Butchness/masculinity is so diverse and that's what I love about it! If you find yourself only looking up to a certain kind of a person, I would try widening your idea of masculinity/beauty. I've had to reckon with my own prejudice re: body types, and learned how much my self-hatred was just... not being comfortable with the idea of myself (and therefore other people) being fat. When all the people I envied/looked up to were the same body type, of course it did numbers on my self-esteem! There are other butches who have your body type, and I'm assuming you would never call them ugly or bad! See if you can let that respect you have for others exist for yourself as well.

I would also point that disability inherently challenges our standards of beauty. I don't know if you would use that term for yourself, but any kind of health issue, including a mental illness, changes how we physically exist. You may not be able to live up to a certain standard or physically exist in your ideal way because of your health/struggles/experiences. This is normal for everyone, but especially for anyone disabled/with ill health. Give yourself grace to rest and heal from what you've been through.

I promise you, whatever you look like, however you interact with masculinity and present, there are people who will value you, not despite those things, but because of them. I have always valued the strength of butches/mascs/studs--not in a "how much do they deadlift" way, but in a "wow, to exist in this world and embrace masculinity in a healthy way, to present every day in a body that is marginalized against and shamed, to carve out a subculture and style despite it all, takes so much f***ing strength!" That's the strength I see in my past partners and masc friends. You are strong, now. You are opening up and owning your identity and knowing your body/mind and continuing through pain. That's strong and also super cool!

But I understand: knowing things logically doesn't mean we feel them/believe them. We can learn as much as we want about diversity and different standards of beauty, but still feel horrible about ourselves. There's no easy way out of habits our brains get into. Let your knowledge/values and your personal feelings coexist. We're biased--we see our bodies every day at all their dirtiest most embarrassing moments. Our emotions change how we see ourselves. That's not inherently bad, it's just something to remember. I always look hotter when I've accomplished something. :) Our ideas about ourselves get reflected back at us. We must learn to let our feelings about ourselves fluctuate, while the knowledge of our value and the care we have for ourselves stays.

Existing peacefully with yourself doesn't happen overnight, and Bible verses don't fix you, but that's okay. You don't have to know what to do, you just have to start. And then you have to keep going, and it's hard, and sometimes relapse/self-hatred seems easier, but it isn't, really. Not in the long run. I'm glad I had to learn how to accept myself, had to work for this. I'm much stronger and more grateful. I'll pray for the same for you.

It's a journey, and societal prejudice complicates it, and health issues/past pain slow it down, and God is with you always, and I'm in your corner, and you got this.

<3 Johanna

Some verses for you! These words, passed down over millennia, aren't magical or a replacement for therapy, but they do matter. God wants us to have them. And they're honest: they're real people's thoughts on and descriptions of their life and God's existence.

Starting out basic: we're created in God's image, imago dei. This means something different to everyone, but for this conversation I will emphasize the line after this statement. Our physicality, our bodies, are included in this passage. I'm not making a statement about the number of genders that exist (God created light and dark and we still experience sunset; the creation myth utilizes dualities not to limit us but to be poetic, encompass diversity, and include extreme opposites; the myth was written by a culture with a certain understanding of gender/sex; etc. etc.) but to point out that we are created physically, deliberately, in the image of God. However our bodies exist, whatever they can achieve, however we're viewed by others, we exist in relation to, in honor of, and because of God. Male and female both embody the image of God in this passage. We are told specifically that different kinds of bodies are imago dei; "male and female" would have encompassed every human to the people writing/translating this passage, so in fact we're told that every body is. This means you too, beloved. Your body, your ability, your gender--they're God-given/embodied. Your body is how you exist on this earth, how you care for yourself and others, how other people recognize and imagine you. You are here physically to love and be loved, and God did that on purpose.

So God created mankind in his own image,

in the image of God he created them;

male and female he created them.

Genesis 1:27

This verse is a bit overquoted, but for a reason, I think. This is an awesome verse. "Fearfully and wonderfully" is such a great line. But the lines after are just as important right now: the poet knows that what God made is wonderful, and therefore they have to include themselves. For our conversation: we know butches are diverse and strong and cool and wonderful. You are one too. We can't praise God's creation without honoring ourselves; we can't appreciate butches without including you.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14

Also overquoted but still loved. In context, Samuel is finding the next king to anoint, and he's seeing some worthy-looking sons of Jesse, but God tells him to stop looking where people would look, to not choose based on appearance or height. This isn't really a story about looks--the chosen David isn't weird-looking or anything--but it does include this rebuke from God when Samuel starts thinking too much like a person, with societal prejudices and automatic assumptions. To me, this is a reminder of the God who sees. The God who knows who we are, even we can't find a way to express it to others. If your identity/characteristics aren't obvious from looking, or if people are prejudiced against how you look, God knows the truth. That doesn't automatically make it okay, but at the very least it means there's somewhere out there who sees.

"The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Samuel 16:7

If you want a stunning sermon on the second sentence here, Dr. King gave one. But for right now, I want to connect it to the preceding sentence. We should not conform to the pattern of this world in how we offer our bodies. We must be transformed, renewing our mind, existing in and using our bodies in ways holy and pleasing to God. King names this sentence's call to us to be a "transformed nonconformist." How can you transform your relationship with your body while not conforming? Existing as a butch, I would argue, inherently accomplishes that--so embrace it.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God--this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Romans 12:1-2

Okay, I genuinely wasn't expecting to find a Bible passage about how much working out matters in the long run, but what do you know. First we start with a reminder of appreciating God's creation, like in our psalm. And then we're reminded of what really matters. "Train yourself to be godly" is most definitely in the Instagram bios of multiple Christian gym bros, but I bet we can also take it seriously. Sometimes we need to be reminded of what really matters, of what will last. I'll be grateful in 50 years that I did some exercise, yes, but more than that, I'll be grateful that I was myself, that I loved openly. All of us (barring a tragic death) will grow weaker with age. This is a gift, to survive, to rest. What will we have then? And what will matter in the present life and the life to come? We are created in the image of God but we are not defined by our bodies.

For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving . . . [T]rain yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.

1 Timothy 4, 7-8

Okay, the famous verse, my body is a temple, we get it. Honestly, I can't even verify if Paul is talking about a person's body in this passage--he seems to be talking about a community rather than an individual. But nevertheless, whether personally or as a group, what does being a temple mean? This is temple not just in the sense of "this is where we worship God" or "this is a special place," but temple in the sense of "this is literally where God lives." Imago dei. We are God's temple because we embody God. What does that mean to you? How will you take care of yourself/speak to yourself with that knowledge?

Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in your midst?

1 Corinthians 3:16

That's what I got right now, beloved. Over and over, we are told we are beloved, including our physical bodies. Go forth and be the strong and cool butch you already are, and grow into confidence when you find it.

<3 Johanna (again)

#asks #edit: any butches in the notes pls feel free to share your experience/thoughts! i am a lover of/ally to butches #but obviously do not have that lived experience

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stars-in-a-jam-jar · 5 months

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You ever think about how fucked up it is that children in military families are surrounded by messages that their parents and other close relatives are Heroes who are In Danger Protecting Them whenever they leave home? Like. I only have the experience of it you get from living in Texas where it also kinda fuses and intersects with and reinforces the evangelism in a lot of ways, but I can't imagine pro-military tactics are much different in other places. If service isn't compulsory, the main way you draw people in is with the promise of being Cool Noble Heroes Protecting The Country when in reality their lives and bodies and personal goals are just being exploited for the aims of whoever happens to be in charge of this grander landmass.

And while I've seen people talk about how that whole paradigm is Bad For Global Society (because it is) and preys on the poor and otherwise disenfranchised/marginalized (because it does) I don't think I've seen anyone directly point out how it will fuck a kid up to be told 'Your parent/older sibling/otherwise close one is a big cool tough hero who goes into dangerous situations willing to sacrifice anything, specifically their own life, to keep you and the countless strangers in the nation Safe.' over and over and over again in countless insidious ways.

Like, imagine you are 5 years old and it's normal to you for your Mom not to be home, because she's been on and off deployed or multiple towns over on drill or doing other vaguely defined military shit on-base since before you were born. The main outfit you can imagine her in is camouflage, with your last name and various other incomprehensible words and symbols velcroed in various places on it. You like her shiny silver necklace with the square charms that go clink-clink, and you ask someone older than you if you can have one, and you're told 'Oh, no, you get that when you're a soldier.' 'But why can't I have one now?' and they now have the choice to either leave you frustrated that you are being left out of the loop on your mom's necklace, or they tell you 'Those are dog tags. They're used to identify a soldier in case they die. You don't need them.' If they're detailed, they add, 'You can't always identify a body depending on the way they die.' And as years go on people mince words less and less and you're taught sometime in middle or high school that dog tags as a practice started during the civil war amongst soldiers when they realized they didn't know who to send some of the corpses home to.

Imagine you're 7, and at school you're given one of those 'What job does your parent have?' worksheets that are meant to teach kids how to write comprehensible statements. Your Mom is a mechanic, and you know a lot of what the things in her toolbox are for. You feel very smart for being able to identify different models of car and knowing that cars don't just have engines, but batteries and cooling systems. Your Dad hasn't been home more than a week for the past two months. All you know is what the TV and other military kids say about what being in the army is like. You write down what you've heard. Your dad has a very important job. He protects everybody from danger and knows how to use a gun. He 'puts his life on the line'. A phrase you have heard so many times, it has ceased to mean anything. If it ever really meant anything to you when you first heard it. Whenever that was.

Imagine you're 11, and your older sibling gets home from their first deployment. They're a little jet lagged, and they almost don't recognize you because you grew out your hair some while they were gone and grew out of half your clothes. They give you a big hug and your parents say welcome home and you completely forget how just last month you were playing out in your head a situation where you got a call saying they weren't coming home and strategizing your whole life for a night around them not being there, because for all you know, that could happen anytime. Any day. Whenever they are not in your sight, they could be in danger. But of course you don't need to worry. They're home now, they'll be in danger again later, and right now, they brought you souvenirs for your birthday they missed.

And they do it for you. They do it because they're heroes. They do it because they're brave and the best and amazing. They do it because everybody needs them. Everybody, not just you. Your family doesn't belong to you, your family belongs to the country. The first people who you ever had the chance to be important to, who ever had the chance to be important to you, could disappear from your life and you wouldn't know it until the call came through from wherever they'd been disappeared off to.

Like, maybe it's bad to tell children that's Good Actually.

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alostlittleriverlotus · 10 days

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Little note: semiverbal/semispeaking and also have disorganized speech. difficult for us to communicate. also being a system and I specifically being a shell alter means I experience different feelings/beliefs around things from other alters so...if we are kinda wishy washy/not perfectly stated then uh that's why. It's very difficult and confusing for us.

Rant about our experiences with psychs and mental health professionals and feelings around our those experiences.

going into the office to meet with the psych and dealing with being outside the expectation of what they thought I'd be like when depressed is weird. And a lot of the questions asked about what we experience mentally was very confusing for our mind. it's just...weird. The more we think about that appointment and the more we realize how it still kinda hurt us, shut us down. Some of our aggressive abusive persecutor alters are especially upset at just being labelled intrusive thoughts. But it's just another reminder that ultimately, no one truly examines you. Since we've been diagnosed with GAD, all of our symptoms have been lumped in under that by multiple professionals. Told that our anxiety is purely biological based with no trauma causing it at all.

We have been told by our mother that people will not expect that you will be anything outside of normal (her words) unless you tell them. It's why we've wanted a diagnosis for so long. So we can have people believe the reasons why we act the way we act. But we are unsure where we want to go with professional help.

also most of the wording for trauma was based around being life threatening situations and witnessing abuse. but I was never in a truly life threatening situation and I didn't witness abuse, I WAS abused. So once again, the fact we've been abused goes completely ignored and we just lied about having an average relationship with our mom.

I can't remember a lot of the appointment cause of our system. Which is fine. But just what I can remember rubs me the wrong way. My mom always acts confused when we say something is good, but then change our minds. But it's hard for us to know in the moment. We are malleable and agree with most things which also leads to us avoiding many things since it CAN risk harm for us. Being paranoid and avoidant helps us stay safe because our system isn't the safest. So we often agree with and seem happy at "getting help" only to process it later when alone and feel really unsatisfied with what happened. She expected us to be almost stereotypically depressed. We had to lie about our suicidality cause we knew it wouldn't be good. We lied about our risk taking/self destructive behaviours. Cause we know that trying to explain how it is for us will make no sense.

Professionals have always led to us feeling more isolated. Our abuse is hidden, no one believes it except for our friends, no one sees it. They feel an able bodied able minded person that SHOULD be functional. They will assume I am untraumatized. They would rather call us an entitled brat that doesn't care about others than actually examine us. We always went in expecting these experts would help. But they really...don't. The most okay therapist we had did help us with our anxiety. Our shitty previous psych and therapist got us on meds. This psych is managing our meds and has actually fucking explored autism and adhd for us. But for what we really want to seek help for...is entirely forgotten and ignored. And with...with programs that prevent us from being able to open up, that make us defensive and shut down, that work to keep our abuse, our reality hidden...we feel like there's no answer.

Our main goal now is to move in with our wifey and they can help us seek help since they can see things outside of our perspective and also know everything that we cannot remember cause of our system and shut down and silence. But really. We have felt so failed because we believed professionals would actually want to help us, would be able to see what was going on, would know better. But really, they don't. And being disillusioned by this when we believed getting professional help would help us just hurts. Our meds help thankfully, especially with our OCD intrusive thoughts. But for the unwrapping our trauma, yeah. They fail. We are only somewhat good now because of our own hours and years of research and finding communities that get it.

But it's just a reminder that even years later, still we are invisible. We will be overlooked and ignored. I really don't care about such things anymore until I have my wifey by my side since they won't talk over me and won't try to downplay my issues like our mother.

I dunno. Just needed to vent. It's been weeks since our last appointment and we just feel uneasy about it. It's hard going from the belief everything is great because they did the bare fucking minimum to feeling unsatisfied because of the stuff you didn't like and didn't appreciate.

We've been failed by a lotta doctors for physical and mental stuff, but the ones that ignore our trauma and circumstances especially with the rigid yet confusing wording of situations really...really affects us bad. And it feels like a hopeless reminder that no matter what we do, it is exactly what our abuser played off. Our system is meant to be hidden, it is meant to keep us silent, it is meant to be difficult to undo. And the failings of professionals to help even with our "lighter" trauma makes us feel hopeless about ever dealing with our programming and tbmc trauma. We hope we can find a good specialist one day. But fr. Having professionals ignore even what feels like "light" and "obvious" trauma to us (compared to other shit) is what hurts us, but we are also so used to it.

And we shouldn't fucking have to be. The mental health system does nothing for people that sit outside of specific neat little expectations. Even with the meds we have, we didn't start them until we were 18 despite struggling for years. Our shitty therapist literally was shocked we hadn't been on meds if our anxiety was that bad. Yeah, welcome to our life. If everything is "that bad" yet we never get help for it. Online communities and other mentally ill people have done more for us than anything else. Because we got advice from people that had similar situations to us. Reminders and stuff online have done more help for us than most professional shit. When professionals repeatedly made us more suicidal and wanna hurt ourselves and made us feel responsible for our emotions even when we were a fucking MINOR BEING ABUSED.

So yeah. We have our beef. And we just...hope for a better tomorrow.

#vent #venting #vent post #personal vent #actually traumatized #actually narcissistic #actually disabled #personality disorders #system #tbmc survivor #programmed system #madpunk #anti psych #psych critical #we aren't trying to make a stance really just ranting about our experiences and our emotions related to them #as someone that was led to believe that professionals would help #only to be failed time and time again #neurodivergent #neurodivergency

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versegm · 11 months

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OH FUCK I meant to send you a Director's Commentary thing when you reblogged it BUT I FORGOT anyway how about the deets on "And the Audience Clapped"? (If you're still in the mood)

For you? Always <3

The actual fic has a trigger warning for uh. Everything? The base premise of the fic is "Guda has incredibly disturbing intrusive thoughts and does not react well to them" so even if I don't think I'll get into details in my play by play, tw for thoughts of sexual violence, onscreen self-harm and suicide attempts, and overall blorbo from my show spiralling bad.

My primarily goal when writing this was "I want to see how fucking worse I can make Guda." But I'm a weenie I actually like bad endings so my secondary goal was "but I want it to end well."

I have absolutely no idea if I succeeded. I feel like I chickened out too much tbh (<- squicked out by sexual violence) and as for the ending I'm often told that what I qualify as a "good/okay ending" is often "fucking horrifying" to other people. Still I like the final result so that's everyone else's problem. This was however a nightmare to tag which is why I just went the "choose not to use archive warnings/fuck around and find out" route, because if I tagged everything it would be WAY too long.

Anyways. "What if the player was an outer god." I post about it a lot in a comedic tone over here. I wrote it as self indulgent porn somewhere else. But I really wanted to take it in a more... realistic? Direction I guess? What if things weren't automatically fine and ok because the story demanded it. What if it was in fact an incredibly distressing situation to be in. I don't like writing monsters are villains (not my vibe) but that does not mean the monster loving you & having good intentions should always be an instant smooth sailing. Which really means that Guda will be stuck in intrusive thoughts central for nearly 6k.

Now for a more specific play by play of the fic:

The problem with writing the POV character being possessed is that it is incredibly hard to showcase when "this is something normal from the character" vs "this is someone else speaking through the character" (doubly so when the character themself does not realize the possession is happening) So I was at times less than subtle about it. In case it wasn't clear, this is the player being worried about Guda, and Guda misinterpreting the feeling because "this is someone else's thought" is not typically the first conclusion people would draw. Anytime in the fic where you see Guda having conflicting emotions, or being confused about their own feelings, that was a case of player feelings interfering with their owns.

Outer gods are basically eldritch gods in Fate lore. As such I don't think they really have like. A body the way humans consider it. That's why the fics have various instances of weird fascination towards flesh and how it functions. From the perspective of a god, it'd be like suddenly figuring out how an ancient watch works.

When you're being possessed by someone who is 1) incredibly not fucking normal about your bestie and 2) does not know the difference between intimacy love and violence. Bottom text.

Also a lot of people initially assumed that I picked Castoria in this specific scenario because I, too, am not normal about her. And I mean. That is partially true (tho not to that extent lmao) but also Castoria IS canonically one of the closest people to Guda (& the most likely to realize that something is wrong.) It's not just "I'm having horrible thoughts about some random aquaintances" it's "I love this person with all my heart and I want to give them the world, but I can't even give myself to them because my existence is poison." So double the agony.

This was inspired by one specific scene from Mairimashita!Iruma-Kun, available on mangadex and probably crunchyroll please for the love of god read that manga it fucks SO hard.

When you're an Outer God with only a very vague knowledge of humans and what they look like so instead of focusing on eye color or haircuts you're just fascinated by the fact that this lil one has thirty-two teeth. Bottom text.

This whole section is meant to be "all the times Guda died before the player rebooted the games," so I picked all the hardest boss fights I could think of. There's someone in the comments who asked me months ago if they should pick up a guide for the Cernunnos fight because I brought it up like five times in that paragraph alone. My guy if you are following my blog, yes, you should. You really fucking should.

Also I use second person a lot when writing Guda fic because it's easier (they/them can be confusing when you're writing multiple characters in one setting) but ofc for this fic this also gave me the opportunity to write some moments where the player is directly talking to Guda (or at Guda, rather.)

I wanted to show that while the player was at their most Not Normal about Castoria, they do love everyone in Chaldea, which is why Guda is being more affectionate than usual here.

I'm just really proud of "You imagine lapping at her open wounds, lapping at her wet cunt." Intimacy and violence but also holes and fluids you know how it is.

My bitch Guda who wouldn't wish to bother others & show any weakness if they had a gun to their head.

Christ I can't summarize MHXX's lore concisely, but she is repeatedly compared to a character from a sitcom, hence why her first comparison is to tv shows.

This is meant to be a call-back to that bit earlier where they wonder how hard they'd have to bite to make Castoria bleed.

To lb6 players out there: I was thinking of Gareth writing this line.

I don't remember if I told you, but Castoria has Fairy Eyes, ie is capable of perceiving lies (tho the exact mechanics are unclear.) That's why Guda is being extra stubborn. They can't deny that they're fine because she'll know it's false, so they're trying to dodge the entire conversation.

My bitch Guda who is taking the entire situation soooo well (casually deshumanize themself & considers being dead in the same sentence)

[Castoria voice] why don't you get into bdsm and then maybe you'll feel better.

Anyways, that was blorbo from my game having the worst life of their life! I think I could have done worse, and will endeavor to do so soon. Still damn proud of it tho!

#characteroulette #ask

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dreamcast-official · 4 months

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Ooh, what’s the Mega Man lore like?

OK. SO. BUCKLE UP ITS GONNA BE A WHILE. im gonna focus on the classic series because theres quite a bit in the whole franchise as well as branching timelines (if you wanna know anything about any specific series in the franchise then lmk but yeah focusing on the classic series for now!)

the whole story starts with two scientists - dr. thomas light and dr. albert w. wily. light and wily were colleagues in university and studied robotics together, but they had very different end goals with robotkind. while light planned on creating robots not only to make life easier for humans but also so that robots themselves could live freely as any other lifeform would, wily saw things differently and only wanted to create robots for working. no plans on treating them like people at all. because of this (and wily's inferiority complex) their friendship began to fall apart, but it lasted long enough for them to work on robots together.

the first ever robot with sentience was created by dr. light (with dr. wily as an assistant) - his name was blues, serial number DLN-000. dr. light created him as a prototype, a test to see if this sort of robot would be feasible, but most of all, light created blues to be his son. light had always wanted a family but for some reason or another was unable to have biological kids, so when he found the chance to make a child, he took it. and he loved blues so dearly.

but blues... well. he was a prototype, after all. he wasnt perfect. his power core was deeply, deeply unstable, and he ended up suffering a malfunction during a test run. dr. light wanted to fix him, of course, he had to help his son, but... it just wouldn't be possible to fix his core without replacing it, and since he was a prototype, he wasn't made to be able to withstand such repairs. replacing blues' core would erase his memories and personality, functionally turning him into someone else entirely. dr. light had two choices: either his son would die, or his son would die and his body would become a shell for someone else. it was an impossible decision. for some reason (it varies depending on which material you're looking at), blues opted to run away and not make his father make that choice. so blues just disappeared into the world, the first of his kind, the only of his kind.

either way. that happened. for all that happened, blues was a successful prototype. he proved a robot with sentience and free will, limited as it was, was possible. so dr. light went forward with his work, creating the first line of robot masters, known as the light numbers: DLN-001, rock light; DLN-002, roll light; DLN-003, cut man; DLN-004, guts man; DLN-005, ice man; DLN-006, bomb man; DLN-007, fire man and DLN-008, elec man. with the exception of the twins, rock and roll, every robot master in the original light numbers line was created to do work human beings couldn't do. rock and roll's purpose was to be not only lab assistants, but also dr. light's children - much like blues had once been.

the light numbers were a great success! and they worked perfectly! and, what i think is most important, they were happy with their lives! but of course, good things can't last. because dr. wily is a manchild who can't let go of a grudge, he went after the light numbers and stole them. reprogrammed them. made them do horrible things. only rock and roll escaped this. there was nothing that could combat the robot masters - the world would fall to ruin if it stayed like this. because of his strong sense of justice, rock decided to stand up and do something. he was modified and given the capacity to fight, becoming mega man! he went after his fellow light numbers, defeated them, returned them to dr. light so they could be their normal selves again, and defeated dr. wily!

of course though this wasn't the end of it. there are a lot of games in this series after all. and this was all just the first game!!!

#yayyy :) i love talking abt this i love it i love it #should note. blues does come back into play but only in the third game. its a whole thing and it drives me up a wall blues is my fave

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ocqueen · 1 month

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CW detailed discussion of weight loss/gain, chronic health, and disordered eating

Normally I'd post this type of stuff on my journal blog never to be seen again, but hey. I'm feeling bold and weirdly okay about people I know reading this, and it might be insightful for some other people, too.

A long rambling story about weight and physical/mental health, chronic illness, changing bodies, and roads to recovery

I've just hit a really significant physical milestone for me where I can see myself gaining weight. I don't keep a scale (my mom didn't allow them in the house growing up and I never got one for myself), so I don't know if it's backed up by numbers, but it's enough to where I'm actually filling out my bras, developing a stomach and an ass, can't feel my sharp hip bones or ribs jutting out anymore. It's... weird. I finally get people's insecurities about NOT being twiggy thin like I used to be, can feel those thoughts creeping in already even as a still very thin person every time I struggle to get my new butt into my old size 0 pants, but at the same time there's something a bit joyful about being able to see a body that's taking up more space and changing with my age and what that means about my personal health and recovery in general.

I've been stick thin ever since I was a kid, and as I went through college it was very clear that I wasn't going to get a 'freshman fifteen' - and then just about the same time equally as clear that the reason for that was because I was very chronically ill, violently depressed, and stressed out of my mind in a high-pressure program, all of which meant I had a low appetite and lost a lot of weight. The fabled 'freshman fifteen' was actually there, just keeping me at a baseline thin instead of dropping me off a cliff into more dangerously underweight. Even with it, I was starting to have attacks of hypothermia from lack of fat to keep myself warm, and had to start dressing in heavy layers - something my GP originally couldn't explain.

I've struggled since my diagnoses with managing my health, and a lot with gaining - and keeping - weight. I'd go through periods of weight gain as my conditions were in remission or I better managed my stress levels, only to have a health flare or a bout of deadlines and anxieties and lose it all again. I've barely ever managed to hit my goal weight, and when I did it was probably only for about two weeks. I live in constant fear of falling below 100 pounds again now that I finally managed to get myself over it, to the point where I refused to exercise at all and risk accidentally losing more of what little weight I had, despite it being bad for other areas of my health and well being.

I also tend towards disordered eating since I was a teen, especially once I lost the structures of school, and hate having to feed myself - cooking feels like a drudgery and a chore, and eating out was too expensive and wasteful, so I often forgot or forewent it intentionally - something I did more often in school and during my stints working in television. Eating got put to the wayside, in favor of 'productive tasks' and 'saving money' (as if eating to fuel your body wasn't productive enough). I got headaches, shakes, fatigue, all from not eating enough, and it got bad enough that eventually I got an app specifically to track my calories, which revealed how horrible I've been with fueling my body or eating enough to maintain weight. I tried to change, force myself to eat, and for a time it worked, but I always ended up forgetting and falling back onto old habits.

Now, years later, I've adapted. I eat three meals a day because I have a new job with a time structure, I've learned to intentionally eat more calorie-dense foods to make up for eating less, and I snack when I remember to and keep fruit and packaged snacks around that are easy to grab. I've taught myself to be okay eating takeout if I don't have the energy to cook and I exercise doing strength training and yoga to gain muscle without losing weight (though my current job is quite sedentary and I should probably be doing more cardio, haha). Many of my health conditions are getting better with managed treatment, even while others might worsen, and the main culprits for my medical weight loss have slowly been brought to heel and monitored closely. I'm even on a few meds with a side effect of weight gain, which has helped out, too.

And with all of that together... I think we've finally moved past maintenance. I looked in the mirror the other day and I had a real, true stomach, and smooth bumps at my hips instead of jutting bone, and while it caught me off guard I'm slowly coming to enjoy it instead of fear it. My waist isn't so wasp-thin anymore, filled out by fat or muscle, and it's unclear which but I don't care right now. My face is less gaunt, I look less tired (my mom tells me how much better I look), I'm getting fewer unexplained bouts of hypothermia and I know where my late afternoon headaches are from and can make sure they don't happen anymore. It's surreal to me, like I'm a different person, and while it's a lot of work to manageI know that it's healthier this way. My doctors are now worried about me gaining too MUCH weight, but I'm just happy to settle into a new body for a bit - one that might be able to help carry me wherever I need to go, and one I might be able to treat a bit better in the future if I make sure I don't forget it. It's part of my recovery, not only with my physical health, but a sign of moving past and managing my fast-inducing depression and anxiety, too, and that alone is enough to make me happier than I could have thought a little bit of fat could do.

Anyways, recovery looks a lot of different ways for a lot of different people, but this is mine, and it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately as I go through chronic health flares and scares related to other things. It's a small victory for me that I hope can usher in a few larger ones in the future, and pave the way for something more.

#personal #venting #rambles #chronic health #weight gain #weight loss #disordered eating #tw weight #tw weight loss #tw weight gain #tw disordered eating #chronic illness #personal success #queen.txt #recovery

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spacecruiser-z · 9 months

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I am high that means 3D thinking and the capability to hyperfocus on it calmly.

What is it called when you have extremely high anxiety/fears of failure that you body only produces dopamine when you did something right and immediately of a high quality? Adding onto that the childhood trauma of being conditioned to transactional happiness which blurs the margin of error of what I consider a failure.

By this I mean that as I grew up my standards for things dropped and any inconveniences. Ex: a planned event I was genuinely excited for gets cancelled or I can't go for a non-emergency reason.

I'm not sure how close Complicated PTSD fits this bill though.

Mental health failures. What would happen to someone suffers a childhood with little to no memory of a good thing happening because of them, but still having some deep love with their planet? A big enough love and ambition to want to protect it? I love so many things about this stupid, crumbly lavaball in the void. I wanted to be some kind of Natural Scientist when I was little because different plants, animals, and the behavior of an ecosystem amaze me. That shifted to Marine Biology as I learned about how all the plants and animals that I love so much came from aquatic biology, since I enjoy underwater themes so much more apposed to land.

That sounds like a great personality to be honest, driven by a childlike love for science and becoming a forever good egg in the science community. Except then trauma happens. And it happens to them directly, sometimes it's consistent, but as I lower my standards to accommodate optimism the idea of failure becomes more specific. Getting a failing grade in school was nothing compared to the humiliation of being yelled at as a very young child.

Therein lies what a weirdly smart subconscious does. This bitch gotta stay alive, dying is failure, do anything possible to keep from dying. A unanimous voting system is nice, it keeps everything easy if you're mentally stressed. Personify some parts of my personality so that way they can communicate in an organized fashion, since communication is always key to a happy ending. Oh no traumas are happening, certain standards are becoming normal routine and there's like no dopamine to provide motivation towards my goal, being a Marine Biologist.

Fuck it's like currency in a video game, or in general I supposed. You spend a lot of your hard earned dopamine which will fully put you to the next step towards your big goal. Oooo ouch, sorry that backfired. Be through losing a challenging mental failure or failing in a lot of tiny ways in the margin of error.

Think of it like the early game in Stardew Valley or Minecraft, its like every single time you log on you die or lose valuable time and effort over something that wasn't even your fault, even worse when it IS your fault but You don't always do bad things, so being scolded is like being helpless and overstimulated by anxiety.

New failure unlocked, being scolded at or someone noticing my failure. I get very stuttery and Shakey during any form of public speech where it also counts as a test. What events just became super stressful or hurt my mental health? Presenting a project in school, being put onto a spotlight with a judging audience, reading out loud in a way that accurately portrays the words as dialogue.

Can I build on that as a side bar? It's as if the idea of the giving and receiving of knowledge produces dopamine. Which links back up to being conditioned towards feeling happy when I succeed, and the reward for succeeding in something I put hope into is maximized.

Okay back to video game analogy, my bad, Dopamine is a health bar. Hope is a rare currency used towards triggering events which will heal/extend the Dopamine bar. Should events that accumulated hopes conclude as traumatic or are events of extreme mental trauma, dopamine bar will go down. When it reaches 0 suicide becomes possible. I mean that kind of includes death in general but suicide is a humiliating death which will leave the planet to rot and there isn't anything I can do about it if I'm dead.

So basically life is exactly like playing, or should I say replaying, a story game such as The Quarry, Detroit: Become Human, Dark Pictures Anthology, and others. When you replay a hangout event in Genshin Impact. You know what certain decisions will lead you, but only due to your past experience. Will mom change the TV channel if I ask nicely during dinner? Well it hasn't happened yet so I won't put any hope behind that event, why waste a currency so important if you know the gamble will lose?

The answer to that is a gambling addiction thanks to Genshin Impact, I'm not so irrational that I could blow all my money on the game and be broke. Although I don't have any problem with buying things, I have strict budgeting rules that boost my pride in myself a little when I keep them. That life skill is transfered to my dopamine stonkz strategy to maximize the yield of events that I put hope into. However the goals which would normally be placed include something very reasonable, stay exercised and healthy, keep a good diet (as in quality over quantity), maintain good relationships with people that I value.

Okay I'm gonna go to bed, that was a long and unnecessary ramble about my whatever has disordered my personality. Wow I forgot I hate being high, dopamine crash landed on an exponential slope. Yay woohoo insecurities and depression and weed are a horrible combinationnnnn(for me)

#mental illness #what kind of personality disorder is this?#i played the true ending of Coffee Talk #Coffee Talk is a wonderful game.#feed him milky way #she needs her sleep #give her the Bedchamber

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pangchou-vent · 1 year

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on health

putting behind a keep reading for discussions of ableism and fatphobia (in both day-to-day life and in the medical system). also discussion of mortality related to congenital health issues, if that's a sensitive topic you may want to avoid this.

a recent video by imani/crutches & spice on tiktok has been making me think lately.

in it, she talks about the irony of fatphobes being concerned for her health, jokingly asking "do the years off my life stack?"

i came out the womb with medical issues. to put it lightly, i've got fucked up kidneys. always had 'em, have them right now, and will have them later. kidney failure is a question of when, not if. i'm constantly passing kidney stones, and, over the years, it stacks up to kidney disease as your kidneys get more and more damaged. we never knew the root cause, and treatment helped but did not completely eliminate kidney stones, nor progressive kidney damage. i do try to eat a diet minimal in trigger foods (e.g. low salt, low meat) but like, there's only so much it can do at the end of the day, and it's not really my goal to lose weight with the dietary choices as to literally stop my kidneys from getting progressively worse. it's like i'm digging my feet in the ground to try and stop the speeding train, solely using a rope attached to it.

anyways, specifically about the video. it made me think of something that happened when i was a kid.

another kid was making fun of me and said "my mom's a nurse and she said you're going to die young." i respond, "how did she know about my kidney problems?" the face she gave back was of pure horror, since that's not what she intended. i didn't realize until years later what she was trying to get at. that i was fat and that was going to kill me. as if it is suddenly okay to torment someone with their early death if they are fat, but not if it's another organ in their body. that only some kinds of early deaths are tragic.

so i just find it really ironic when so much of the conversation about fatphobia is centered around health. i've never been healthy. i'm never going to be healthy. i am probably going to die young for one reason or another. i'm never going to be athletic--i literally need to breathe more just to exist. i'm extremely limited in what i can physically do. it's not to say that i'm not physically active, but there are serious upper limits that i cannot broach, even with regular training, because i literally cannot breathe to keep up. all of this can be true if im 90 or 900 pounds. it doesn't matter.

and even just how it stacks on with pcos. i can't take metformin because of my kidneys (my kidneys cannot remove it at the normal pace, so i end up giving myself metformin poisoning). as a result, i just have to rawdog the insulin resistance and health impacts of that. and then it gets to the chicken or the egg, if gaining weight led to the insulin resistance or the other way around. i had insulin resistance issues as a kid (requiring hospitalization for extremely low blood sugar oop) so who knows. maybe it's just how it was always going to be.

and honestly at the end of this all, what's the most aggravating is the change in response to my fatness once this information is revealed. as if suddenly now it's 'okay' that i'm fat, but people who don't know that context will still think i'm a 'fat lazy slob' devoid of any humanity. and even still, it's not going to change some people's perception, as clearly fatness is solely a decision that people make for reasons that have nothing to do with internal or external factors, and every single fat person can clearly just make lifestyle changes to stop being fat. that it is not out of reach for anyone, or that it is a moral imperative that that is always your goal.

i suppose all of this is just to say that ableism and fatphobia are so intertwined, they both feed into each other in sometimes paradoxical ways. and it drives me nuts. just let me live the rest of my life in peace, jesus christ.

#fatphobia #ableism

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aleksandra-rosaliee · 2 years

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-Because i want a good life...i dont want to worry about what people think of me (as much). I want people to look at me and wish they were me…

-So I can finally allow myself to get a job and be a productive member of society and be happy and have a life, I can't do that if I'm fat.

so I'm pretty enough to get some and because of how people treat me because I'm fat when I'm skinny people will be careful around me and gentle instead of practically stomping on me.

-My biggest motivation to lose weight is the knowledge that I have done it before, and I can do it again... If I put my mind to it.

to try to have some sort of control in my life right now

gives me a goal to focus on so I don't kill myself.

-So I can be an instagram model

-So that i can wear a bikini and feel myself as beautiful as my friends which are always super healthy and skinny since we were little kids.

-So that I can prove to my entire family and relatives that we don't have fat genes. We can lose weight and be normal or skinny

-So that I seem to be perfect and in control

-Maybe cause I deserve it? Maybe because the less I weigh the cleaner I feel?

-To deal with feelings of self-disgust after sexual trauma

- I want to be able to be happy with the body I'm in. I want to be able to be in public with a bikini on without feeling like everyone is judging me and without -feeling like I'm the fattest person there and without constantly covering my stomach and sucking in. I want to be happy..

-I'm in the prime of my life and I deserve to look my best

-I love the feeling of like, leaning into the hunger. Kind of embracing it as a feeling. And I like feeling light. It's just a very specific feeling I like living with.

-Restricting food (even if just to maintain) helps me to not self harm via cutting. Had a really serious cutting incident at the beginning of the year and while my ED hasn't stopped the cutting entire, it's definitely helped me not have a repeat incident of that first one.

Sure there's motivation to stay skinny too, but not dealing with pain is the most important aspect of it.

think about shopping sprees and how your only problem will be the clothes being too big on you. Everything will look good on you.

-The feeling of superiority of having more self-control than the general population and feeding off of the jealousy of other women who eye me up-and-down, wishing they had my body.

- A childhood dream of being a model before I grew up and realized I'd never be tall, so if I'm skinny at least I'll be model-esque. That shit sucked for me. I'm still bitter about it

i loathe that food coma feeling you get when you eat too much & you're full. restriction makes sure i never feel like that.

-The debilitating feeling of being not good enough. Ever.

-Restricting is what I think about 24/7, it almost makes life into a game and keeps reality further away, and the further away that feels, the better in my opinion.

-Seeing my weight go down gives me a thrill like nothing else.

-No matter how much my logical brain tells me that losing weight won't fix everything, the ED refuses to believe it, so I guess restricting gives me hope of a better life.

-Restricting feels like it's distancing me from my former self, the self that I hate so much. Things that remind me of what I was, eating, sitting a certain way, how clothes fit, loads of tiny things make me feel so much disgust.

I like having a secret, I like knowing how little I've eaten and how long, or how much exercise I've done on how little I've eaten when nobody else has a clue. It's my thing, nobody else's.

-Feeling like I am changing something, getting somewhere, progressing, achieving something, without restricting I don't feel those things.

-Depression has robbed me of all enjoyment and enthusiasm for anything except my obsession with weight loss, that's the only thing that I get a buzz out of or excited about.

-It makes me feel strong, peaceful and in control. Not restricting is chaotic, messy and gross.

-Ironically, restricting makes me feel more alive, like I'm actually participating in life, even in the worst moments when physically I am not well. Eating makes me feel slow and dead and as if there is nothing more to come in life, like I am just existing.

-It also makes me feel closer to physical death, it's like hanging around near the exit just in case you need to make a sudden escape.

-Being thin gives me freedom, I can't leave my house fat, I can't do much of anything fat, I won't allow it as I'm too disgusting.

-It’s a competition with myself. I like the feeling of being mentally strong and knowing that I’m totally in control of everything. My mind is stronger than anything else

-It's another way to prove to myself I don't need anything

-Because when I am thin exercise will be actually effective.

-Because I would have done something that is for me.

-Because maybe then life will FINALLY settle down.

-So that I can wear the beautiful clothes.

-So that I still look good in tights or in sweats.

-I'm a better, more functional person when I'm restricting.

I don’t like myself much. I don’t like looking at my skin. Then if I restrict, I take up less space. Problem is I don’t like my skin when I’m skinny either.

-Not eating much is a huge part of my identity.

-Food is generally disappointing. Even when it tastes good, there's calories to stress over.

-I've never felt as acutely ill from not-eating something as I have from eating something (okay, true, I've gotten close to death several times from chronicly not-eating)...

-It's so convenient not to have to eat!

-feeling empowered / in control

-kowing Im erasing the me that I hate

-distraction from other things

-not feeling fat and disgusting in everything I wear

-I like feeling like my body is tight and empty

-I get scared people hate me cause I have no redeeming quality. At least I can be thin.

-To be hot for my boyfriend. I want him to feel proud of having me.

I love being in control of my flesh prison.

-so i dont vomit everytime i look in the mirror, and feel like people actually wanna talk to me

-So I feel like I have control over something in my life

-Also so I can wear whatever I want without double thinking if I look fat in it

-And to stop thinking that guys are constantly looking at my friends because I'm too fat

-because everyone thinks i can't.

-unequal fat distribution makes me look pregnant at higher weights.

-to be thinner than my boyfriend.

-to have something to work towards.

-to wear the clothes i like.

-People treat me better when I'm thinner. Also, I'm sure that my boyfriend prefers skinny girls - I can see it in his eyes. He is so happy when I drop some weight. Other reason - all of my clothes are size XS or S and I dress ridiculously just because I have an issue with buying larger clothes and can't fit into my smaller clothes right now.

-To get rid of the "bloated" feeling

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wisteria-lodge · 2 years

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hey wisteria—not shc, and if this is Too Much please feel free to ignore. i guess i was wondering how and when you first came to terms with being autistic? i’m 20ish and in college and coming to suspect i’m neurodivergent, but i guess on some level i’m still hoping it’ll go away. not because there’s anything wrong with it but like… i’m terrified i won’t be taken seriously, or worse, that i’ve been making it up for attention. i don’t want to stick my personal faults onto a diagnosis, yeah? even bringing it up hypothetically started a fight at the dinner table. i know the internal problems that made me wonder: practicing acceptable facial expressions that didn’t match my actual feelings, crushing anxiety when anticipating the work week and social interaction, getting overwhelmed in crowded spaces, too much eye contact or too little… you know. but these never show up in ways that people notice—i’m a top student and chatty and nice-ish. i want to pursue answers, but it just makes me feel more than a little detached from reality, like i’m just overthinking it or lying.

I was probably lucky. That when I was younger I presented as very autistic, too autistic to ignore, enough that my parents went out and got me diagnosed with what was called Aspergers then. I was strange. I never looked at people or I stared, I didn't notice when what I was doing didn't match what everyone else was doing, I was bullied constantly, I talked about nothing but Lord of the Rings (appendixes, Silmarillion) for about two years and you would think that I'm exaggerating but I'm not. I have sensory sensitivities that are too extreme to ignore. It would be like trying to ignore cold. Like, sure, you can tough it out for a while. But you literally can't do it forever or your body will shut down.

To me, the core feeling of autism is this sense that everyone else got the rule book, and you were skipped. For a very long time, my worst fear was that I was doing something so staggeringly, so phenomenally, incandescently wrong that no one would tell me because it was just that obvious. That I must know what I was doing. So I learned scripts, I learned how to read people, I learned how to present normally. And I learned how to mask.

But here's the thing, about masking. It's necessary skill to have. But it takes up a lot of energy. For a long time I just... masked, whenever I was around people. And I paid the price and ate the exhaustion on the other end, tucked away where no one could see me. And I did it, because that's what I thought functioning looked like.

But I was wrong. The goal was never 'learn to mask better.' It was to build a life where I don't have to mask in the first place. Crowded spaces, cars, fluorescent lights, specific sounds.... these things are very overwhelming to me, so I built a life where I don't really have to interact with them much. I teach neurodivergent kids, so the fact that I'm weird makes me approachable and fun, and the fact that emotions kind of slide off me makes me a calm sort of rock, especially for the more volatile students. It's a superpower, actually. I just needed to find a way to use it correctly.

But still. I hit points where I think... I'm doing so well, maybe all those old things aren't problems for me anymore. Maybe I felt that way because immaturity, or lack of confidence, or weakness, or stress. Maybe I'm making excuses for myself. Maybe I'm being selfish, and using this condition to excuse bad behavior, when I know that just because your brand of shittiness has a name doesn't make it okay to be shitty.

And so I allow myself into an overwhelming situation. And then I react exactly the same as I always do. I feel young, incapable, broken. I end up hiding in a small, dark, quiet place like a bathroom or a closet. I have put time aside to emotionally recover, before I can start feeling normal again.

#autism #personal #masking #adulting

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mrknifes · 3 years

Note

Please share your autistic batman thoughts <3

Ok ok ok

This took me some time to answer because it takes a lot of brain power and energy for me to write stuff like this but here we go

Now I am generalizing here because autism is a spectrum, and everyone is different. Other autistic people might not relate to what I have to say. So don't 100% take my word for it. These are just my thoughts and how I and others relate to him. It doesn't apply to everybody.

As an autistic person, I can say Bruce's behavior is 100% autistic coded, whether writers intend that or not. He has a routine. He always separates the day time from the night time because of his two different "jobs." While this makes sense in universe because it would complicated things further for him if he mixed his two identities and their world's.... It's also very much an autistic behavior.

It's normal for autistic people to stick to one specific goal / task at a time, and it's very difficult for us to switch between two things in a similar span of time. We HATE having our one scheduled thing, plan, task, etc. being interrupted. We have to see it through. Everything we do is very carefully thought out and we don't like when those plans change. So it makes sense to me that he separates his two identities because he doesn't want his work to be interrupted by his false persona, and vice versa.

Bruce is also very unresponsive, physically, but we can see from his narration, and scenes where he is not around other people, that he's a very emotional person on the inside. It really hurts me on a mental level when other characters berate Bruce for not physically showing the way he feels (and same for when people do that to him in real life, in posts.) Because I've gotten harassed for the same exact thing, being autistic. It's very common for us to have a flat affect, and not show our emotions on our face or through our body.

But we feel emotions much, much deeper than most people do. We look unaffected on the outside but on the inside we are in agony. You can see the same happen with Bruce. He has a flat affect, but when you read his thoughts, or watch the way he acts in isolation, it's clear he cares very deeply. Moreso than people think. And that brings me to my next point.

He's obsessive about his pain. Autism involves a lot of obsession. Bruce feels so strongly about his pain that it's hard for him to let go of, even to the point where Jason is still alive, and it doesn't stop him from being guilty about Jason's death, and it doesn't stop him from feeling bad about it.

I relate because I am the same way. Neurotypical people may brush off little mistakes they make, but when I make a mistake, it's devastating to me. And that's just with little things like failing a test, or missing a holiday, etc. Imagine how it feels losing your own child, because you couldn't save them.

Bruce is very strict with his code and how he operates, and the people who want to be part of his circle. This is tied to our structured behavior & obsession. We can't stand things being out of place or "wrong." I remember in middle school my friends got really annoyed whenever I corrected them on stuff. It's normal for me, and it's something that I really can't help most of the time. I see Bruce being the same way. It's not a matter of him disliking people or the way they act, it's just that he has his own set of rules, and that he really can't accept people trying to bend or change them, if they want to use his "image." It's not a matter of trying to control people (as I feel that most people misinterpret.) I have no interest in controlling my friends. I just have this constant urge to inform people of what's "incorrect." That doesn't mean that I think they're bad or want them to change. It's very difficult for me to explain, because it's hard to understand when you're not autistic.

He is. So awkward. And not in the "I'm just some silly dork" kind of way. But in the "I don't understand social behavior" kind of way. And this is.... Strange for someone of Bruce's background. Everyone around him is an extroverted, well-spoken socialite. Alfred raised Bruce most of his life and he is very well put together in the way that he interacts with people. So it seems odd that a person raised this way around these people would act so awkward... Except if they were autistic!

I know some people chalk it up to Bruce's PTSD, which I think is very valid as well, since PTSD definitely can affect social development. But I think this is more specifically autism than anything else.

Bruce is often seen as too blunt or harsh because he doesn't understand what people consider socially acceptable or polite. We experience this all the time! We often feel alienated by our peers because we don't understand the way that they interact with each other. People tell me all the time that I am being rude when I'm just speaking normally. So often I have to describe my thought process behind the way I speak because neurotypical people don't get it. But I'm completely fine around my fellow autistic folks. And it's the same with Bruce! I inwardly cringe whenever Bruce acts a certain way and people tell him he's being mean, or that he doesn't care, because I completely understand the way that Bruce thinks and why he does what he does. Because I'm the same way!

Seriously I relate to Bruce so much it PAINS me when I see other characters (and real people!) make fun of him for what are clearly autistic behaviors.

His special interest is dinosaurs. No one can change my mind. He sees a dinosaur and calls it beautiful. Hal goes ?????? And Bruce is like "dude I have a gigantic dinosaur in my cave why are you surprised." Any opportunity he gets, he talks about how lovely dinosaurs are. Peak autistic behavior. THEY'RE HIS SPECIAL INTEREST, HE LOVES INFODUMPING ABOUT THEM.

So much of Bruce's character centers around routine, strict codes, obsession, and being a social outcast.... THAT'S A WHOLE AUTISTIC MAN RIGHT THERE!!! THOSE ARE AUTISTIC TRAITS!!!!!

Anyways this was a lot of word vomit I didn't even proofread or edit so rip to anyone who had to suffer through this.

#autistic batman #autistic bruce wayne #asks #answered #north.txt

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blackicewave · 3 years

Text

hot take on the recent chapters

I came up with this while I was on too little sleep & after a friend caught up to the manga, it’s really long and I hope it makes sense - so, enjoy!

I think what is happening right now, might be Ymir trying to re-establish her former form.

Because Eren has three out of nine titans right now - Attack, Founding, Warhammer. The Founding Titan was the very first of all titans before Ymir started gathering/creating all those other abilities.

We currently have this written/known about it specifically on the official wiki page:

Its Scream can create and control other Titans, and modify the memories and body compositions of the Subjects of Ymir, but this power can only be used by the royal family under normal circumstances.

According to Marley's Titan Biology Research Society, the Founding Titan is the point where the paths that connect all Subjects of Ymir and Titans cross.

We have been known that only the royal family can properly use it, which is why Eren only managed to use the Founding when touching Dina Fritz's titan (the one that ate his mother) to protect Mikasa after Hannes was devoured and then when coming in contact with Zeke, seeing as he is from royal blood as well. However, the royal family is bound by a vow and the ideology of Karl Fritz - basically, he wanted the Eldians to be locked up and separated from the world because they had been too involved in wars before. So he wanted to protect them, essentially.

The vow is renouncing war to stop Eldia from using the Founding Titan to devastate the world ever again and it possesses the individual to follow the idea. That is why Frieda, even though she viewed the Eldians as sinners, still followed that protocol.

Now, with Grisha devouring Frieda and gaining the Founding Titan and passing it on to Eren, the chain of royal blood inheritors was broken. Which is why, paired with Erens own ideology to go behind the walls and see the world, Ymir zeroed her interest in him as it's seen in the recent chapters.

She herself wasn't of royal blood and being used to fight wars for that king in the backstory most likely built a hatred for humanity in her view - she was viewed as that slave, of which Eren broke her free. He's the only inheritor that hasn't been shaped and controlled by that ideology of King Fritz that she could get her hands on, so she can twist his views or add her own to it in having to destroy the world and humanity in it.

I think that she's using Eren as a vessel to collect all titans. He already has three, and with every other shifter present right now - Armin (colossal), Reiner (armored), Annie (female), Falco (jaw), Pieck (cart) and Zeke (Beast) - she can take them prisoner and force them to join with Eren.

She basically already has Zeke in her control, having lured him into paths with Eren, and she just took Armin prisoner with another previous titan. Why else would she take him prisoner and bring him to "Eren's ass" as Levi said and separate them by a hoard of powerful, controlled titan shifters if not to ensure they don't get him back until she has taken all of them captive? She knows how powerful Levi and Mikasa are - most likely through Eren's memories. She most likely wants to create a vessel with all nine titans again to merge with Eren fully, maybe even devour him herself, to use her full former strength to get back on humanity and make them pay.

In the first chapter about her backstory it's shown that she was being punished and chased to her "death" because she let the pigs escape - in the last chapter 135, however, in the very first panel, it's shown that she willingly opened the gate to let them escape. She wanted them to run away. Whether or not it was planned that she'd be chased like that and would tumble into the tree trunk is questionable, but I think it has to do with it.

To add to my suspicion of not killing the current inheritors of the nine titans because she needs them later on, look at chapters 114-115 specifically.

Zeke blew himself up in the scene with Levi, and that entirely. He was torn in half. His spine was destroyed and therefore the titan in him "lost" because he had no one to pass it on to. He accepted that he'd die, told himself that. He did die.

But Ymir brought him back. She rebuilt his body and brought him back to life - if she really did that out of pure selflessness and devotion to her people, why didn't she do it with Levi? He's Eldian, too, technically, even if he's an Ackermann.

But Ackermanns are a byproduct and made to protect the royal family, and if we follow my thing right here, then she hated the royal family - she was forced to marry the king and give him offspring, after all. And she was nothing but a child. And she knew how dangerous Levi was - so she planned for him to die while rescuing Zeke, because she had a plan for him while Levi would have only endangered that.

In chapter 110, Zacharias refuses Mikasa and Armin to go see Eren - and promptly dies in an explosion. This might be a hot take, but I think Eren might have ordered someone to do so (because Ymir made him?) - because she needed to split the bond between them. And afterward, Eren escaped. Maybe it was used as a maneuver to get the attention off of him.

In chapter 112 he returns to meet Mikasa and Armin in the table scene - already threatening to transform if they make any move. "I am free. Whatever I do, whatever I choose. I do it out of my own free will."

That's what he says, entirely unprompted really. He proceeds to tell Armin that he's the one being controlled by Bertholt, and I think that mirrors the situation properly. Because it could serve as a parallel that it's not Armin but Eren controlled by "the enemy".

In that chapter, Eren effectively cuts all of the bonds to his friends even though in a few chapters before (when discussing who will inherit his titan once his time is over) he claims to care about them more than anything. And he does. He cares incredibly, he's a very emotional person - but suddenly, all of his emotions are gone. Seems fishy. ‘

He cuts Mikasa off by telling her he's hated her for his whole life, knowing it's her weak spot. He beats Armin up, knowing it's his weak spot because Eren was always there to take hits for him when he got beaten up as a child.

Once again, I think that's Ymir taking control of his memories and using them against him. That, or Eren used those purposefully to get them away from him and out of the danger zone, knowing that he's a time bomb.

In that chapter, it is thickly laid on that Eren "hates" slaves. "Do you know what I hate most in this world? Anyone who isn't free. That, or cattle. Just looking at them made me so angry, now I finally understand why. I couldn't stand to look at an undoubting slave who only ever followed orders."

Maybe, once again, that is Ymir speaking - she was reduced to a slave, and her creation of a titan made to fight was broken down by a vow the Eldian King created. The following inheritors only ever accepted that fate and didn't do anything to break free from it.

In chapter 130 when Eren tells Historia his plan, he says the following:

"The only way to put a final end to the cycle of revenge born from hate is to remove that history of hate from this world and bury it in the ground, civilisation and all." - he knows it's a repeating process, possibly because of previous memories handed down to him through the Attack Titan and looking through the royal bloodline with the Founding Titan (first seen when he kissed Historia's hand).

The cycle of revenge born from hate - gotta keep that in mind, cause I think it's very important looking at all of his actions.

There's this constant reference with his friends. In so many flashbacks, it tells us that Eren wants his friends to have happy lives. To be free. To live long. He adores his friends and loves them with all of his heart. So why tell them he hates them? Why beat them? Why get them involved in all of this?

Because it isn't him saying those things, and if it is there's more behind it.

In chapter 131 he apologizes to a child for everything he is about to do before it even happens. Maybe because he saw the outcome of it all?

He knows how much he will hurt the world and people, but he does it anyway because he needs this cycle to end.

I'm not fully sure what the rest of his apology means, talking about how he was disappointed learning that people lived in the outside world. But what I do think is important is the last panel in that chapter, this one:

It views Eren with his eyes shut. Just his head. Usually, whenever he controls his titan, his eyes are open. His own body moves to control the titan. Here it isn't, though. I feel like that symbolizes how it's not him.

We established that he's a very emotion bound person that often rejects logic to follow his heart - he doesn't have his heart here. He can't listen to it. If you are manipulated the source of that manipulation always tries to break your mind first. Rob you of your beliefs and make you follow others.

The contrast is right then and there - why would he apologies in tears to a child he doesn't know at all and explain his intentions and beliefs when once it happens, and once the child is murdered, he doesn't show any reaction?

Sure, one could argue that he's not conscious after his head was shot off, but who caused the jump and transformation into the titan if not Eren? Possibly Ymir.

It is shown that the user has to focus on that goal to transform, as in season one with Eren and the well, so either Eren was conscious enough - somewhat doubtful - or Ymir had full control of him then and there already as soon as he stepped into paths.

In chapter 133 Reiner says something important; "If it was me, I'd probably.. want someone else to handle the power of the founder by now. And if I couldn't, I'd want it to be stopped by someone."

There's pretty much a direct contrast once again - are Eren and the Rumbling controlled by someone else? In my opinion, yes.

Does he want someone else to stop it? He most likely does, why else would Mikasa, Armin, and co be able to move freely? Ymir not so much.

I feel like he's putting up a resistance to them, which is why she can't control them properly despite them being Eldians.

They get thrown into paths then, and when they see Eren it's him but his younger version. Around nine or ten, probably.

What I think happened here is that Ymir is keeping him trapped in a younger version of himself - similar to that one time he was wrapped up in blankets in his home and Armin was knocking on the window behind him, trying to shake him awake and conscious again.

She's keeping his conscience reminded of good memories to hold him there and be able to move freely with his body - like I said, she's using him as a vessel to push her actions, her dream, her ideal world and outcome into his hands.

"In order to gain my own freedom, I will take freedom away from the world." Sounds a lot like something Ymir could have been saying, in my opinion. But then again, who knows.

This panel is also important:

Eren, in his young form, is simply standing next to Ymir. And he doesn't do anything. He doesn't react or recognize his friends, and most importantly, he mirrors how Ymir is standing in the exact same way.

She's mirroring herself onto him, projecting her conscience onto his body. It proceeds with "If you want to stop me, then try to stop me from ever taking another breath" - once again, and I cannot stress this enough, Ymir uses Eren's memories against him.

She knows his friends won't risk him dying. She knows they would do anything to protect him. This is her playing it safe; they won't kill him, ergo they won't stop her from continuing her plan by using him.

Now in the recent chapter, she's standing on top of his spine and it becomes very clear that she's controlling it all. She's building former titan shifters from his spine, and controlling them to separate the team from Eren's location - and Armin's, most likely even Zeke's.

She figured out that they won't give up until they found Eren and can talk to him, so she creates that barrier that she's sure they won't manage to surpass. Not with limited supplies.

When Pieck becomes a danger, she eliminates her by impaling her on that trident - but she doesn't injure her beyond conscience or in a threatening state. She specifically uses Galliard and Berthold against Reiner, and throws those two on him to damage him in his abilities and trick his mind, to manipulate him.

Armin says it himself: "If Eren is only attacking onward like he said he would then this resistance is coming from Ymir." If Eren is attacking onward to follow the goal to end the cycle, then Ymir is the one bringing all the complications. They might work hand in hand, but I do strongly believe that all of the complications are solely on Ymir. Eren never wanted to risk hurting his friends.

In fact, and this is if he is conscious enough to pull any strings right now, I think he might be setting things up to ensure that his friends are the ones that kill him.

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyoujin #aot season 4 #aot spoilers #snk spoilers #aot 135 #snk manga #aot manga #eren jaeger #first post lets see how this goes #did i crack a code? maybe.#i did say hot take

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cultofstan · 3 years

Text

My love for Bane!!

Before you read, I want to make it clear that there are some nsfw parts to this posts. If you are under 18, please don't read!

This post will go over various details and reasons why my heart belongs to the big green giant know as Bane from Batman and Robin (1997). Get ready for a long read, because I've got a lot to say.

(If you haven't check out my Bane Wallpapers, go do check them out! They bring me so much joy, I hope they do the same for you ppl too!)

His mask is very cool and unique, because if you look closer you see they used Bane's comic book mask as a base and then just changed the mouth area and added black eye pieces on top of the red piece he normally sees out of. Imo, it is the best movie Bane mask we have ever had! A lot of people hate the multiple tubes coming out of his head, but I think it makes things extra spicy! A constant reminder that your not just dealing with any normal super human, you dealing with a venom infused one that can fight you like it's nothing! The bulging veins that can be seen in certain lighting is a detail I feel deserves more love. It adds to his big and tough demeanor. You can really tell the venom is working wonders on him! The zipper on the top of the head and the fact that his mask is most likely made of tight leather or latex brings thr entire thing together and is truly a marvel to look at! I absolute love it!💚Imagining him slick that smooth, stretchy, husky mask on while the venom starts to pump into his brain and muscles just does things to me. If Bane offered me a chance to wear it, venom or not, I would do it in a heart beat! It would probably reek of sweat, his bad breath, and of old leather, but I wouldn't care. Just the thought of inhale all those smells brings me a joy I can't describe! 😍

When I was a kid, in addition to his lovely mask, his clothing choice was another thing I loved about him. It looks like Bane is just wearing a black cotton tank top with some black sturdy pants, but I've always the headcannon that it's actually very flexible black latex one piece! It makes a lot more sense when you notice his collar, chest harness, wrist bands, crotch diaper, and boots are also make out of a harder leather with spikes and studs! I swear, half of my clothing choices/dreams come from this man! His boots, for the most part, are very frankenstein/gothic inspired with thick sole and it going all the way to his knees. The copper rivets are the only things that make them stand out, imo. I've had thoughts were in order to prove my love to him I have to lick or kiss his boots while he judges. I'd hate it for the most part, because they probably taste like dirty and dust, but I want him to know that I do love him, so I'd do small smooches starting from his toes and work my way up his leg until I'm straight up licking his boots. I'd get so carried away he'd probably make me stop pretty quickly so I don't get sick 😂. His spiked collar and wrist bands are easily the clothing items I want the most! Any time I see someone on the street with spikes in their clothing I immediately think about him. Because he's worn them for so long, they're probably not that tight or rough but still firm enough to not sag. Maybe even a little flaky in certain parts. I don't think I'm comfortable with myself enough to wear a collar in public but I've come so close to buying spiky wrist bands or gauntlets it's crazy I don't actually own a pair yet. One day, I'm sure. His crotch diaper, for lack of a better name for it, is the one thing I'm 50/50 on. Some days I think it really adds to his look, especially with the spikes that go out. Plus, to a certain extent, it makes practical sense because that way heroes cant go from behind his and try to restrain him, or can't throw too many kicks, without getting poked/cut by the spikes. But other days I think it just doesnt look that great, because it ultimatly looks like a big metal diaper, it takes away from his intimidation. Plus, I won't be able to give him proper hugs! (I want to give daddy all the hugs he deserves! 💚) His chest piece is what brings everything together. The little Bane symbol is so cute, I've always looked for a pin or something to buy but no luck. I actually used to have this Bane cape that I won at Six Flags when I was little. I cut the symbol of his face out of it and tried multiple times to attach it to my jean jackets but I suck at sowing. 🥲 The leather straps that hold the chest piece compliment the other leather pieces of his outfit. The metal looking chest piece looks wonderful and adds a layer to his character that I both love and hate. In this movie he's a drone, a mindless agent that is only allowed to follow orders. I'll will discuss this in a bit. But for the record, I hate the fact that Bane is written as big dumb idiot in this movie. It's the one big problem I have with him, which sucks because I literally love everything else about him!

I've probably watch the Bane transformation scene in Batman and Robin, like, a thousand times. No joke. I didn't realize it then, but seeing a short, thin, twink become a tall, hulking, king really hit my desires in the right way. Like, now, I know for sure that's one of my kinks and it makes me so damn happy! Granted, I've never been skinny in my life, but I've always wanted to be a musclar and strong man, so it makes sense why I love this scene so much. It's a literally fantasy of mine brought to life! More specifically, I've always wanted to be a type of strong that allows me to run miles like it's nothing, throw punches that instantly knock someone out, and lift so much weight that I borderline have a superhero body. Don't get me wrong, this is seriously mentally unhealthy because I know it's kind of impossible considering my personality and the actuality of gaining so much muscle, but I believe as long as I realize it's a dream and not beat myself up over it, it's not too bad of a thought to have. Actually, if you think about it, this Bane is kind of a plus size body representation. Sure he's got giant arms that can crush my bones like tooth pics, but he's pretty bulky with a big belly. That might be too much of a stretch to say, and I totally understand if people don't agree with. That being said, I have to say it, this man probably gives the best hugs in all of Gotham! He's so big that you don't even need a jacket in the house! Just let him embrace you and you'll never feel alone or cold again! His thick hands holding you in really tight, his muscles locking you in and warming your arms, while his gut pushes you back a little of your feet, like he wants to swoop you into his arms and carry you! 🥰 He'd be careful with his spikes of course, don't worry. A detail that sends me over the moon about Bane in this movie is his green skin. I can't put my finger on it, but it really adds to the whole transformation and therefore my thirst for him grows even bigger! Especially because it's completely unique to the movie. It looks so good that I wonder why the comics haven't adopted something similar.

I could go for hours about how I think the writers butchered Bane's character in this movie, but I want this post to mainly act as a positive appreciation post/background for head cannons that I might post about him one day. So to end, and give a taste, I'll finally talk about Bane being a drone in this movie. In weird way, because he's played as a mindless servent, it makes this version of Bane one of the easier Bane's for me to fantasies about. This is because in the movie, it's implied Bane only follows Poison Ivy because she was the first person he didn't see as a threat. Plus, I wouldn't be surprised if she used some of her suductive powers on him. (I would too, just saying) So, with that established, I like that he's a mindless drone because it means that, in my head, he's not exactly my "servant" but he will basically do whatever I say. Why? Because I will prove to him I not a threat either, and only want to love him!! He'll have a concuious and his own goals, and I'll follow along and help because I trust him and want to support him, but, for the most part, he will do what I say and love me in return. I could explain this more, but I want to save the juicy parts for the follow up post I have planned for this. 😏

If you've read this far, thank you. From the bottom of my hear. I've never wrote something this personal or long. I hope I can continue to do more of these, if I'm passionate enough.

#bane #batman #Robin #batman and robin #leather #Mask #dc comics #comics #superhero #supervillain #Spikes #Studs #Green #Black #red #i love him #daddy

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komori--shoma · 3 years

Text

Shoma Umi Komori.

🦢

(I'm sorry if my english is shitty-)

❛A sad soul can kill faster than bacteria.❜

—𝐽𝑜𝒉𝑛 𝑆𝑡𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑘

⟅☙⟆ Universe ⟅☙⟆

Diabolik Lovers. I plan, however, to take her out of the universe and make her a character of her own. Or maybe I'll just drop it and do both. Who knows?

⟅☙⟆ Full Name ⟅☙⟆

Shoma Umi Komori.

"Shoma" is a Japanese name that means "Woman who seeks the truth, who is not conformist at all." Her second name, "Umi", is also a Japanese name that means "ocean".

⟅☙⟆ Kanji ⟅☙⟆

ショマ

⟅☙⟆ Nickname ⟅☙⟆

Despite being initially confused by these, as she was not used to it, she was given the nickname "Engel" (which means "Angel" in German) by a family quite close to her. The nickname was given by the mother and head of the family, since in the eyes of that woman, Shoma is an angel.

Seiji, who was the adoptive father of the girl, called the young woman "Astertea", which is quite a "peculiar" name in the bible.

Yui, with whom she is no longer in contact with Shoma, used to call her "Sho" or "Shomi" affectionately.

⟅☙⟆ Age ⟅☙⟆

She is eighteen years old, although she looks a bit younger.

⟅☙⟆ Gender ⟅☙⟆

Feminine.

⟅☙⟆ Sexual Orientation ⟅☙⟆

She doesn't know yet. Doesn't really bothers her to know.

⟅☙⟆ Height ⟅☙⟆

160 cm.

⟅☙⟆ Weight ⟅☙⟆

She used to weigh 35 kg., But now she is a proud 64.5 kg.

⟅☙⟆ Blood type ⟅☙⟆

OR-

⟅☙⟆ Status ⟅☙⟆

Alive.

⟅☙⟆ Race ⟅☙⟆

Human

⟅☙⟆ Birthday ⟅☙⟆

June 20th.

⟅☙⟆ Sign ⟅☙⟆

Gemini.

⟅☙⟆ Favorite Color ⟅☙⟆

Light blue and night blue.

⟅☙⟆ Appearance ⟅☙⟆

There is a great before and after in her appearance, and even though she is not shown in her story (at the end of the card), there was the occasional change in her future.

The girl has oculocutaneous albinism, so her skin and hair are snow-white. Her hair, due to a small "situation", was long, straight and lifeless. Her hair almost touched her waist, and she basically managed to cover her view. She is now a cute short hairstyle down to the nape of hers, wavy and neat.

Her skin is very pale and fragile, although now she is somewhat better, before she was simply rough and damaged. She has several deep burns and scars on this one as well.

The young woman, despite not having very good eyesight, has beautiful eyes of a light blue color, somewhat grayish.

She has a mark on her right leg in the shape of a fox with several stars on it. It's a pretty special symbol, but she keeps it covered most of the time.

She usually did not wear clothes other than bandages to cover herself, although she still finds old clothes to wear, even though she was a little too big. Now, she got used to wearing light clothes that cover most of her body; like jeans, leggings, or long dresses with something underneath. She doesn't really like to wear short or see-through clothes.

⟅☙⟆ Personality ⟅☙⟆

Many think that she simply doesn't have any kind of emotion. Shoma never shows any kind of expression in public, she is shown with her face up and with a look so cold that she makes it true to her appearance. The young woman is too serious, and depending on the person, it is very difficult to get her out of her typical attitude.

Sho is an elegant little girl, and full of grace despite all her troubles. She will never be friendly enough in front of someone (again, it depends on the person), but she will also not feel uncomfortable or unwelcome unless that is the goal of the little one. Shoma knows that she is able to erase someone from the earth fas if she wishes, but she doesn't abuse that thought, you just have to be careful not to make her angry or touch her too much. It could be a big mistake.

Still, well ...

She is always alert, so it is very easy for her to get nervous or anxious most of the time.

She can also happen that she cannot do something right (she finds it very difficult to concentrate / think on several occasions, as well as sometimes she finds it difficult to understand what happens around her, etc). Still, it is something that doesn't happen as much as before, after leaving the aforementioned situation in which she found herself.

She is easily frustrated, and this happens when she recognizes that she has trouble thinking. It's very easy for her to cry or tear up in frustration (she doesn't do it in public, she refuses to do it, but that only makes it worse). Also, her coping strategy is simply not talking about her emotions and keeping a straight face all the time.

Still, and even though she very reluctantly accepted help, Sho is willing to change and improve (even if she has to go through hell first). She has shown to be too cunning for her age and to behave as if she were an adult, and even though she is slowly trying to behave according to her age, she is very difficult for her as well.

Anyway, Shoma can also be a girl who listens to others and is willing to do it regardless of the situation, and she is always there to be a shoulder on which one can cry. She also tends to have fun when she feels calm around her, being one of the few moments when she feels and acts like a young little girl.

⟅☙⟆ Relatives ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Seiji Komori: Adoptive father. Currently dead.

⟣ Yui Komori: Adoptive sister. Currently alive.

⟅☙⟆ Favorite Food ⟅☙⟆

She doesn't have a single specific favorite food, but she definitely likes sweet and simple foods, like grated applesauce and banana, or a fruit salad.

⟅☙⟆ Hoobies ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Shoma likes to make paintings with her hands. She serves to entertain him and clear her mind.

⟣ She also likes to make crowns with different types of flowers, even some bracelets and necklaces.

⟣ She has a certain fascination for mathematics and literature, so it is normal to see her do either of the two when she is bored. The problem is when she has a hard time doing a difficult exercise.

⟣ She Likes to play decorating and decision-making video games. She likes to decorate and combine, so it is normal for her as a hobby to do the odd combination in video games, or in a room.

⟣ It may not count as a hobby, but Shoma loves to watch an episode of a series that she likes or a movie many times to imitate the lines, as if it were some kind of dubbing attempt.

⟅☙⟆ Occupation ⟅☙⟆

None, she doesn't consider herself a student, even if she studies at home.

⟅☙⟆ Relationships ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Seiji Komori, adoptive father.

She did not have a good relationship with him no matter how hard she tried at the time. It was too obvious the favoritism that he had with Yui, and how she always stayed in the shadow of the blonde. Despite trying to be like Yui, he could never have any kind of acceptance with her father.

⟣ Yui Komori, adoptive sister.

He adored her with her soul. Yui was Shoma's heroine, and she always tried to follow her example despite her unruly attitude as a child. The elder Komori was Shoma's world, and he simply wanted to be with her all the time.

Things have changed now. She can't even look at her. The disgust and hatred that he has for that now young woman is simply immense. And believe it when I say she tries; she tries too hard to forget so many things that caused this feeling, but she just can't.

⟣ Yvonne Beauchene, the right hand.

Shoma's only trusted person alongside her family. Yvonne was Shoma's guardian from the day he arrived at the church, although she had some problems because of it, and that is the reason why she had to leave, but surely nothing bad could happen, right?

⟅☙⟆ Likes ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Despite not having tasted it in recent years, she liked (and still remembers the taste of it, so she still likes) Yvonne's orange tarts a lot. She used to do them when Seiji was not at home for her, Yui and Shoma.

⟣ She loves music, especially the one that doesn't have any type of letter and is only a beautiful and hypnotizing melody. Her favorite, and also Yvonne's, is "The Vampire Masquerade", which is the melody which Yvonne met her husband.

⟣ Regarding the above, she usually daydreams many times with music in the background and she likes that (because the real world sucks and it is her only way out of the stress and anxiety that she feels most of the time). She sometimes even draws or paints those scenarios that are formed in her head.

⟣ As said before, she likes to play decorating and decision-making video games. Also, despite having the face of wanting some horror games (these make her heart race and sometimes she has panic attacks), she prefers Animal Crossing by a lot.

⟣ Loves snakes (which are not poisonous), cats and dogs. Snakes are very good company, and cats and dogs are responsible for keeping her calm.

⟅☙⟆ Dislikes ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Despite having been seen surviving based on it, she does not like meat very much. Of course, she can bear it, she even likes some (very few) meat dishes !, but there are certain types of meat that remind him too much of ... well, her own meat.

⟣ Obviously, she can't stand going to churches or things related to religion. She gets too anxious and nervous.

⟣ Her body and mind literally rejects any kind of physical affection if she doesn't know the person very well or doesn't trust them. It's no surprise, considering her personality. Very few people are lucky enough to even put a hand on her shoulder and not get hurt (Shoma doesn't do it on purpose).

⟅☙⟆ Fears and Phobias ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Somniphobia: fear of sleeping.

Oneirophobia, somniphobia, clinophobia or hypnophobia is an irrational and excessive fear of the act of sleeping. People who suffer from it enter a state of panic caused by the fear that while they are sleeping something terrible will happen to them, such as the possibility of stopping breathing or that they will never wake up, even knowing that there is no threat, but they stay awake, presenting insomnia. Some people who have this phobia associate going to bed with death.

In some cases, panic is unleashed by the belief that the dreams that will be had when sleeping are actually delusions and these will favor falling into a state of permanent madness. This type of phobia generates a great deal of stress and significant physical and mental deterioration, so it is not uncommon for many people to end up suffering from hallucinations, a fact that further aggravates this type of phobia: fear of sleeping.

Shoma cannot sleep because various things used to happen during these. She remembers well once a nun (then she disappeared without a trace) entered her room and hanged her, almost killing her if it weren't for Yui screaming for help.

⟣ Theophobia: fear of religion.

Theophobia is the fear or aversion to religion or the gods, and being more common among people who are raised in an environment of iron religiosity. Theophobia can express itself as fear, aversion, anger, or other negative emotion towards religious practices. In some cases, the theophobic representation can categorize the deity as an arbitrary totalitarian dictator or, conversely, as unworthy of worship.

It is common among people who suffer from theophobia to avoid religious texts, houses of worship (churches, mosques, synagogues ...) and even the parishioners of a religion.

The young woman lived in a church for years and was not treated as "a daughter of God", but as "an aberration of satan" by her father and certain nuns. She causes him so much fear that, if there really is a god, she has abandoned her for "not being worthy". Many things together caused this irrational fear of religion in general.

⟣ Hafephobia: fear of being touched.

Hafephobia is a specific phobic disorder (unlike agoraphobia or social phobia) that causes great suffering in the person who suffers from it.

It is an irrational fear of great intensity that manifests itself when the individual suffering from the phobia comes into physical contact with other people and is touched. It produces a series of cognitive, physiological or behavioral responses, among which extreme anxiety and the attempt to avoid the feared stimulus to reduce the unpleasant sensation stand out.

Shoma, of course, is working on this and for now she's doing very well, but if she's some stranger, she isn't going to allow herself to be touched or touched by another individual. She is so afraid that every touch will turn into a blow or something to harm her.

⟣ Atazagoraphobia: fear of forgetting.

Atazagoraphobia is the excessive fear of forgetting, which includes both the fear of forgetting and the fear of being forgotten or replaced by others. Despite the fact that it is a common sensation, atazagoraphobia has been little described in scientific language. In fact, it has been more pointed out by philosophers and writers who speak of atazagoraphobia as the fear of eternal anonymity.

Shoma was literally forgotten or ignored from a young age, and she doesn't want to go through it again. She doesn't want to feel so cold again that she can't breathe properly or move. She can't, she doesn't want to...

⟅☙⟆ Headcannon Voice ⟅☙⟆

Mia Rodríguez.

⟅☙⟆ Skills ⟅☙⟆

⟣ She is impressively good with knives and razors. She usually uses them for cooking.

⟣ Literally she can imitate many voices, even male ones. She uses it to make jokes or for some plan (to get some dessert) that she has in mind.

⟣ She is becoming more and more independent, and that is why she is getting very good at cooking. She even manages to focus on that rather than other things.

⟅☙⟆ Extra ⟅☙⟆

⟣ She has undiagnosed “attention deficit hyperactivity disorder”.

⟣ She tends to bite her arm or bite her nails if she is very anxious.

⟣ It is difficult for her to accept some changes in her life, but she manages to adapt step by step.

⟣ She likes to play with Yvonne's family, August, her husband, being Shoma's favorite.

⟣ She is considerably innocent of the world around her, but at the same time, she isn't. She is aware that the world revolves around that filthy green paper, and she is very clever with it. She knows that her "condition" and her situation may be a weak point, but it is for that reason that she is also careful who she hangs out with.

⟅☙⟆ History ⟅☙⟆

Shoma arrived at the doors of the Komori family church on May 22, 2001, with only a note that said "My name is Shoma, Mom and Dad can no longer take care of me," just three weeks after I was born. She was greeted by one of the local sisters, a favorite of the owner and leader of that church, Seiji Komori. The latter named was not on that cold night, with the snow falling slowly in that beautiful place, so the same sister took care of the girl in his absence.

A girl with blond hair and pink eyes like the petals of a cherry tree approached said sister, curious by the cries that began to be heard. Seeing her up close, and seeing that beautiful celestial gaze, the seven-year-old girl took the girl in her arms (with the permission of her sister), and did not leave her during that night until the next day. It was no surprise to the sister that her crying stopped as soon as the young Komori began to gently cradle her in her arms.

Still, from the moment Seiji arrived, he knew that something was wrong with the girl, that she was "not human", and that he probably knew whose "gift" it was. Shoma was unwelcome, and he couldn't show her that in public, not with Yui close to her. Also, the plan deviated. No, he isn't supposed to have two daughters, and she is supposed to be just one more orphan, but the young blonde girl already called her "Shoma Umi Komori", and that could be ... Something dangerous for him. Obviously, the orders for Shoma to come to his office were not long in coming as soon as he was two years old.

What Shoma saw in her supposed father's room was sealed in her mind, and nothing else. Every time Shoma was called to her father's office, her heart raced because she knew something bad was going to happen. Every time that happened it was because she Shoma found out more and more that she was going to happen to every sixteen, maybe seventeen-year-old on certain dates. It was because Shoma knew too much about her, and if he couldn't make her forget everything she had seen, then she would silence her to her grave. Every time Shoma gained courage and told Yui, she was scolded for inventing such things, and she would see her father again for "breaking her promise" to him.

The only one who managed to believe her is the same sister who received her the day Shoma arrived there, although that same sister would get a serious face everytime Sho told her that, she never had to see her father when she told Yvonne.

But, one day, Seiji went a bit far with the punishments, and let the fury just blind him, even if he didn't even regret it afterwards. Seeing Shoma talk to someone... Important, once this man left the church it just infuriated him. That man's smile when he stopped talking to her and saw him in the eye was not good news at all. That night, everyone heard the screams of a three-year-old girl resound throughout the establishment, and she was found in the middle of the hall with a desperate Seiji, saying that she had been playing with a poker and that she tripped, with it smacking part of her face.

Shoma began to startle every time someone moved near her, every time someone placed her hand on some part of her body, or when they called her, or when they approached her. She didn't separate from Yui or the sister she trusted so much, and even though it started to be annoying for Yui as she grew older, there were very few times when she was really rude to Shoma due to the fatigue of having her on her back every day three seconds, but they just didn't help Shoma with her fear of being alone, either with Seiji, or with certain nuns. The sister who had her trust steadfastly refused to leave her alone if she wasn't with Yui, although it was only because she slipped out of sight once.

Things escalated to the worse on December 12, 2006, at exactly a quarter past two in the morning. It was precisely an exhausting day for the girl, because the nun who was taking care of her and her sister had to leave due to family problems, or so they told her.

The albino-haired girl couldn't sleep due to some nightmares, even though she had become very habitual. The young woman began to hear murmurs and footsteps outside the room that she shared with Yui, and she could make out her father's voice. She could make out her desperate tone from her ... And, strangely, anger.

Carefully, she got out of her bed without making any noise, but following a little voice in her head, she took the camera that belonged to the blonde that was a gift from her only trusted caregiver, and opened slowly the door. Her father had locked himself in her office, and she could hear someone else's voice. On tiptoe, he approached the door ajar, and looked behind it. Tears welled up in her eyes as she saw the body of one of the older girls on the ground, tied up and with blood pouring from her head. That memory is somewhat blurry, but it remembers very well various parts of the conversation between her father and a man with long hair. She took photos, and to her surprise, they did not have flash, and the photos came out perfectly ... That woman had many strange objects.

Once she finished, she turned, intending to leave, but one of the nuns spotted her, yelling to warn Seiji. Shoma wasted no time running and closing in on her sister's room, which she was awakened by her scream. Shoma told her everything quickly, leaving the photos to hide them, and the little girl didn't hesitate long to jump out the window (it was not the first time that she did that out of boredom), and she ran away from there. Still, the nun had gone ahead, and it wasn't long to be just a few steps away from her with her father's poker, part of them burning.

She remembers her sister with hatred seeing it all in horror and just standing there with the camera in her hands, shaking, to simply turn and turn her back on him.

In the blink of an eye, she was dragged by her hair by her "father" and other nuns, and before she had a chance to run away, the girl was thrown into the basement, away from other people, away from Yui, away from everyone. She tried to get out, scream, but no one ever came.

Nobody, nobody at all...

And here ends her story. The young woman, thanks to her curiosity, sealed her fate. She was destined to die in that place, even if she didn't want that, alone and starving, not knowing if Yui or someone would remember her...

But they say that there is always someone who takes care of us somewhere, right? Even if she has no hope... Maybe there really is someone, even without her knowing it.

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