#growing up undiagnosed autistic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

babykkumaa · 19 days

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I had an interesting conversation..

Topic: Masking Autism

I had a conversation with someone today talking about how they are seeking to get a full evaluation to be diagnosed possibly because of there previous evaluation with psychiatrist said there's a possibility they are.

We ended up having a conversation about masking which i proceed to say in my experience masking is very difficult for me. It takes a mental toll and physical toll on me as well. They proceed to say true but masking is easy. I understand that some people think masking or have an easier time to mask themselves and pretend that there something there not but, it makes me wonder if there telling themselves that because its actually easier or that they've just learn to accept it.

I've been bullied into basically masking myself growing up and being a late DX. Including now, When i try to unmask I get perceive or told super ableist shit out of nowhere that makes me go back into my box which make it harder for me to feel comfortable.

But, it makes me sad a lot of the time that I know I have to choose between masking or having friends or build long term relationships with people. If you need an example, watch Heartbreak High S2, the character name Quinni expresses what I've recently been going through again where its like were put in a constant tug a war between accommodating our own selves while sustaining friendships/relationships with others.

(Example just incase you don't have Netflix and can't watch what I'm talking about but, it shows one of the clips I'm referencing)

Yes, you can say "Well why don't you try to ask for accommodation or talk with them about it?". Yes I have of multiple occasions doesn't mean that they'll actively do it or the people your around will perceive you and what you say the wrong way including growing up in neurotypical environments that make you think your the problem. So, most people like me just don't expect people in return to accommodate us. When we are, we greatly appreciate those people.

So, saying that masking is "easy" or "glamourous" is far from the truth for most people. It causes insecurities, severe depression, bad thoughts, and feeling not good enough.

But, this is just my opinion on the interwebs and maybe someone will look at this be like "this is so first world problems and masking saves lives" which yes it does because it has with me but, it still has negative consequences that people aren't putting to light or ignoring because it's either them not going through it or person who is masking isn't ready to acknowledge it.

Maybe I just need therapy who knows but, after all, like i said this is my opinion on masking.

youtube

(I recommend watching this video, she does a beautiful explanation and she is also autistic as well. She does a lot of different videos about Autism and hot takes in the community.)

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chronic-invisibility · 2 years

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y’all i just realized something which i definitely should have realized sooner but like, hear me out

ever since i was a kid, my version of a “fajita” is putting yellow mustard and mexican shredded cheese and plain chicken into a flour tortilla and microwaving it so the cheese melts. that is THE MOST autistic thing you could possibly make and still dare to call it a fajita. like hELLO? how did nobody witness that besides my parents until i was like 21 living on my own and my roommate walked in on me making one and was Appalled, to say the least.

seriously, how was that not a sign, i mean i made one of those last week, i maintain they are very good, but that is a fajita in name only

#actually autistic #actually adhd #growing up autistic #growing up undiagnosed autistic

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neurodivergent-brain · 20 days

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I love how people use to call me autistic as an insult as a kid

Then I grew up and found out I was lol

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bifflesnitch · 11 months

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The undiagnosed neurodivergent experience of being the only friend to all the obvious/non-masking neurodiverse kids who used to get bullied by everyone else at school because you didn't see anything wrong with them.

#undiagnosed neurodivergent #undiagnosed autistic #growing up autistic #female autism #adult autistic #autistic masking #autistic adult #autism #neurodivergent culture #neurodivergent masking #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurospicy #how did i miss this

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pocket-goose · 1 year

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autistic tumblr do y’all think it counts as neglect if you are definitely autistic but your parents never got you tested as a child despite your brother having been dxxed young and you showing traits and behaviors of autism? and today still not wanting to get you tested because it costs a lot of money but it’s not like you’re struggling for money or anything? even though you’ve explained so much why you probably are? and everything was passed off as anxiety and depression? and how because you never got dxxed as a child you had to suffer because you didn’t have access to the same accommodations your brother did and now you mask heavily and flinch at everything

#allen’s vents 𐕣 #autism #autism diagnosis #autism self diagnosis #undiagnosed autism #child neglect #emotional neglect #psychological neglect #growing up autistic #autism vent #autistic trauma

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beemers-hell · 12 days

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when I saw you posted another chapter to bfta, I literally DIED . it was genuinely moving enough for me to reread all the chapters before it (since I had in the past and was waiting very happily for the newest.) i HAVE TO SAY I ADORE how you portray every single character you write: they are all loveable and feel undoubtedly in character/lifelike to me it's insane. mind blowing. I've had genuine massive bursts of just HYSTERIA BECAUSE OF HOW HAPPY SOME OF THE INTERACTIONS IN THESE FICS GO!!! it's genuinely crazy and has been pretty much ruining my life/POS ever since I first read through. IM SO REAL AND HONEST RIGHT NOW I'm hanging on to every fucking word within an inch of my life and I swear I feel some of the struggles that are being dealt with in my bones;; they are so relatable and it's lead me to start trying to figure myself out further. I'm so excited for more chapters and I do know you're going through it so I hope you recover well 🩷

hey what if i just started fucking crying all over the place HELLO!!!!

#beemer asks #slash pos #genuinely comments like this about the fic mean SOOOO so much to me #cause like im very passionate about and proud of my writing and i wanna share that passion with yall and see it pay off and all that #but like sharing my autistic ass experiences with people is so important to me so others like me can see themselves in the shit i make #so the world feels a little less lonely bc you know someone else out there understands what you're going through #bc i sure as fuck needed something like that growing up undiagnosed and not knowing why the fuck i wasnt normal and couldnt be #anyway.#WZHAHSDAAHEFGWVJHBSDNCAHAHB!h!w!h!!!!!!#YOU CANT BE NICE TO ME IT MAKES ME SOB

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kirby-the-gorb · 1 year

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#kirby #daily kirby #my art #digital #hal laboratory #nintendo #it seems our gas furnace was contributing to my flare up so my wife went out and bought a space heater.#(mcas is an illness that can react to literally anything regardless of how safe a thing probably is for most people)#(and yes I am vaguely aware twitter was arguing about natural gas but I've never liked it personally)#(it smells bad which usually means that it's bad for me)#(which like convenient that that one single safety system works! glad things I find unpleasant turn out to be things I should avoid)#(cuz I know that's not the case for everyone)#(and like growing up undiagnosed autistic I was really pushed to just put up with unpleasant sensations)#(so it's good to have double justification for not forcing myself to eat foods I know I don't like and so on)#(but I'd turned it off yesterday cuz I had a hunch)#(and I turned it back on this morning cuz I didn't want the cat to be cold)#(and I hadn't had a flare last night)#(but I started feeling worse whenever it kicked on.)#(so.)#(pretty straightforward answer there.)#(whoops left half of the thought shared with twitter in the post body -n-)

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spoonyglitteraunt · 5 months

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Brains are weird.

I struggled to log in yesterday. As I struggled, and failed, to log in all week. I wanted to, but something about having been gone so long made it feel too overwhelming to face.

Each time I made the decision that Today would be the day, my brain threw up ALL the executive dysfunctioning walls. It just noped out all the way into productively procrastinating on tasks months in the waiting. The accompanying inner monologue fluctuated between predictable to barely making sense.

It's so. much. work. Brain argued. So much backlog to go through and you're so tired. We'll do it tomorrow. (Not entirely unfair, but then I never have energy.)

You've got tasks to do today. You neglected your to do list all month. You'll get distracted. We'll do it tomorrow. (There is always one task more. Always.)

Oh but would you even still be able to follow? (As if the topics here don't shift with the memes wind.) You don't have the attention span today to try and make sense of the newest blorbo/horse-plinko/spn world news. We'll do it tomorrow.

Do you even have a place still? (Yeah, sorry, I've got nothing on this one either.)

Something was rallying the anxiety gremlins, but the "reasons", were really no more than attempted rationalisations for something grinding beneath the surface. Something I could not put my finger on. Something I could only describe as a wordless, undefined, yet all encompassing dread. ... Eventually I managed to force through. I'm glad I did, because in an odd way it felt a little like coming home. I missed the interesting and funny people in my magic box. Missed getting to see what you are all obsessed with getting up to now.

It wasn't until just now that I think I hit upon what was causing the anxiety gremlins' great wall of awful.

You're given balls to juggle. No choice, no guidance (or guidance you can't understand), just one instruction. Whatever you do. Just. Keep. Juggling.

You do your best, yet sooner or later you miss. An unexpected bump, a freak gust of wind, a miscalculation, and you lose your grip. The ball drops. Shattering to pieces on the ground.

Wait... The ball was made of glass? But why? Are other people's balls made of glass? You swear you just saw someone bounce and grab theirs. That one there is on the floor. A bit scuffed, but whole, and ready to be picked up again. So why did yours shatter on impact? Who even makes glass juggling balls and why did no one warn you?

There are a lot of questions and no answers. But the why doesn't really matter. What matters is that your ball is broken. Shards on the floor. Adrenaline in your veins.

You didn't want to drop it. Your tried so hard not to drop it. You tried so hard it hurt. But it's broken now and you can't put it back together.

This is when people take notice. Parents, teachers, authority figures, peers. They look at the shattered ball and don't, can't, won't understand.

It was so easy! They tell you. It was just a few balls, and they barely weigh anything at all. We told you to keep juggling. We told you it was important. Why can you do complicated tricks, but not keep this one tiny ball in the air? Why didn't you just pick it back up? How did you even break it? Were you even trying? Were you even listening? Do you even care?

There is a unique type of trauma that comes from growing up ND (or with a disability too really). Especially when only diagnosed in adulthood.

You've been given glass balls with no warnings, or functional guidance on how to keep them whole. Everyone makes mistakes, but where theirs bounce, yours seem to shatter. And everyone treats that as your fault somehow. It doesn't matter if it was out of your control, and you really did try very hard. Worse even if you are otherwise quite smart or capable. Because then "you have no excuse". But others aren't juggling glass balls. Glass that weighs nor acts like the rubber ones they are using.

So you learn to internalise that every minor mistake. Every minor failing. Every perceived carelessness, or heck even just one less confident grab that could have missed, is a personal failing. Something to incite ire, disproportionate consequences, and rejection.

I think that is what the anxiety gremlins were trying to wall in. The fear that me not having been able to log in for so long was dropping and shattering a ball. The dread that logging in would somehow end in blame and rejection. Even though I didn't choose to get sick, or get thrown a glass curveball.

Obviously, rational me can see that was never going to happen. But the part of my brain impacted by years of undiagnosed ND-ness? Not so much.

It chose to protect. To shield. To avoid. Unable to even properly convey what was going on beyond a general feeling of dread. Because when the shards are on the floor and the adrenaline is in your veins, you don't stand around analysing feelings. You run.

So yeah, brains are weird.

Good thing we're weirder.

#neurodivergent #neurodiversity #actually autistic #actually adhd #actually disabled #long post #the joys of growing up undiagnosed ND #but I'm glad I got past the wall of awful #I genuinely did enjoy “coming home” :)#but I'll not be reading the entire backlog #you are lovely but also very very active #I applaud you but no thank you #I like to keep my remaining sanity #what little I have left

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theokusgallery · 5 months

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I freaking love your au and your latest comic because MAN

I FELT THOSE LAST WORDS AND I WAS LIKE "OH FUCK"

First panel was already a bit unsettling itself - like you get it's just intimate manners as you do as a couple but he felt so possessive already and

Sunny's inner thoughts

I'm sure 100% his abandonment anxiety will increase drastically the more he stays with nick and honestly slay

I mean it's kinda obvious

But like I felt that

Yeah

Nick is unhinged

Nick is crazy

Y'all are gay for him

Good 😵💥

Sunny has soooo many issues. So many of them. He's so vulnerable and he makes himself vulnerable to Nick while still being intimidated by him, it's... Dude's got some problems.

#ive talked about mental illness and nick before but not sunny...#well. only a bit. ive said sunny's autistic #but he's also got other problems-- such as abandonment issues as you said #sunny's very insecure in relationships - partly because he has a very limited experience with them #and partly because he has self image issues.#when you grow up as an undiagnosed autistic kid you tend to be very aware you're different while not knowing how to change it #everyone thinks and says you're weird but you have no idea what's weird about you so you can't even try to fit in #a friend of mine told me once that she thought i was so brave for not being scared of being different in middle school #i wasn't. i wasn't brave. i just had no idea why people thought i was weird #sunny in this au knows how deeply different he is from other people but he doesn't know /what/ makes him different or how to change it #and as a result he just doesn't open up very much. he's very reserved and doesnt talk to many people. he has like two friends total #which also conviently makes him easy for nick to isolate #sunny also has bpd! and he gets deeply attached to people who show him any kind of affection very easily #as i mentioned before he also tends to fall for people who intimidate or scare him -- people he sees as mentally superior to him #his self image is constantly oscilliating between 'im the greatest person to have ever lived' and 'im the worst thing to have ever existed'#he's extremely unstable. he has mood swings. he gets obsessive easily. he seeks out relationships with mostly toxic or older people #he doesn't have a good support system. he's socially anxious and an introvert. he's openly trans. most people think he's weird.#he has no stable sense of self. he has panic attacks. he's both hypervigilant and oblivious to lies and attempts at manipulation #all of this makes him a very easy target for someone like nick.#at least- at /least/-- nick genuinely loves him.#ask #tosteur-gluteal #rant #arsenic #i start talking about psychology and i get lost. my apologies

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tmblrkid · 17 days

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i need someone to research the effects of modern social media on Real weirdgirls.

not the yassified tiktok wannabe 4channer version of weirdgirls. i mean the type of girl where you don't really want to be around them because they make you uncomfortable but they've kinda grown on you in a pitiful sorta way. like the ones that have greasy hair and vaguely smell like pennies and are definitely (poorly) repressing their sexuality

#where did they go ):#are they extinct now??#“but tmblrkid thats just autism” no you dont understand this was a whole Species of Girl when i was growing up #granted they were most definitely autistic and undiagnosed but its Different i swear #i miss you olivia #you were so strange to me but i loved you in a messed up sisterly sort of way #i just wish i understood you sooner.#weird girl #weirdgirl

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empowered-together · 1 year

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Growing up undiagnosed autistic in an unsafe household was wild.

It took me so long after escaping to be able to realize that I was autistic simply because I didn’t have any of the telltale symptoms due to my trauma. For example, a difficulty to read social cues is one of the biggest things that people see and say ‘autism.’ Growing up in a place where even a slight misstep on my part could lead to severe punishment based on how cranky my parent was, I learned real quick to read every single person in that room to keep myself safe. In addition, I was constantly masking my neurodivergence without even realizing it. What were simply autistic traits led to me being called a bad child and given consequences, so obviously I hid them in an act of self preservation. This certainly did not help in getting a diagnosis since I seemingly displayed so little symptoms as a child.

This may seem like a really niche subject, but I’ve met a lot of other people who had the same experience and it needs to be talked about more. Even after diagnosis my father was terrible and told me I made it all up, I have to be faking this, I never acted autistic as a kid. This is the sad reality for way too many people, and it needs way more attention than it gets.

#growing up undiagnosed #autism #autistic #childhood trauma #masking

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ravkanbarrelcrow · 9 months

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Am I genuinely a nice person or is it all just part of my people pleasing mechanism due to repeated abandonment, rejection and the need to have people like me, in this essay I will-

#abandoment issues #rejection #rsd #people pleasing #audhd #autistic #adhd #growing up undiagnosed

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the-starry-seas · 1 month

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You gotta tell me more about Whisper's problems. How bad could it *really* be for ne and Sol to be drinking buddies?

LOL well-

The biggest thing is, well, y'know. The kind of people who say "an army of child slaves sounds like the perfect way to solve problems" are probably the kind of people who dehumanise said army of child slaves. Jango straight up calls them livestock. Plus the whole barcode and CT numbers thing. Enough to give anyone issues when it's all they know! And that's not accounting for the extra trust issues coming from the fact that the Aces were betrayed by a clone from their own company.

Also I have a really incoherent set of thoughts about clones not having personal autonomy or the ability to say 'no', and the ways that can break them. And about how much worse that is for clones with touch aversion, like Whisper. And about how nonverbal episodes can make anything difficult, but are potentially lethal in a life-or-death situation. And how with emotions being all... fucky wucky, sometimes the only way to feel something is to get punched in the face. Kiss with a fist is better than none, etc etc.

(I also have a lot of thoughts about there being a different version of the clone chip that's installed with "live" programing, when sending a clone back to Kamino for reconditioning would take too much time. These chipped clones have to obey every order they're given, even if it would kill them to do so, and are forbidden from fighting back against anyone hurting them. I have even more thoughts about Whisper being threatened with a chip like that and being scared shitless because ne could never let the Aces endanger themselves to protect ner.)

This is entirely headcanon, but, Kaminoans are transphobic as hell when it comes to the clones. The army was made male on purpose and there's no reason for them to not stay that way. They hear about a clone changing up their gender and consider it a 'programming aberration', something tweaked in the DNA that makes the clone a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs in comparison to the 'real' soldiers. For one thing, Whisper is not fond of being called an aberration. And apart from the effect transphobia has on a kid, it's just stressful to wonder what's enough to get you taken from your family.

But that's not ner only aberration, as far as the Kaminoans are concerned! Or would be concerned, if they knew that Whisper was autistic. Which also brings a whole new set of Shit Whisper Doesn't Want To Deal With. I'm ready to kill someone with my bare hands like a gorilla after 15 minutes in a Wal-mart supercentre, and Whisper spent ner entire life in either a multi-million-people city or a war zone. Considering ne has no idea what a coping mechanism is (presumably some kind of machinery), is it really any surprise that ne has a load of emotional disregulation and anger issues?

The Aces did a lot to protect Ember and keep his deafness a secret. An unintentional side effect of that is that he sees his deafness as a Problem that would get them all killed if anyone figures it out. Did the Aces try to accommodate Whisper's own disability and accidentally teach ner the same thing? Does Whisper think there's something wrong in ner brain, and that ne needs to be fixed to be normal so ne's no longer a problem that ner family has to keep covered up? Yep. It sucks when your family teaches you shame, especially when they never meant to.

Also Whisper is asexual and demiromantic so like. That is also very alienating when you realise that you're not physically capable of feeling something that everyone else considers a defining trait of being human. Which also definitely ties back into the whole angle of Kaminoan dehumanisation, and the whole "ah fuck gotta fix the brain to be normal" thought pattern.

But the big thing is the child murder! In canon, one of the Cuy'val Dar had a fight ring, and multiple cadets died from their injuries. Whisper got kicked into the fight ring when ne was seven years old. Ner first time there, ne ended up killing ner opponent. And ne was efficient enough about it that Priest kept bringing ner back for more fights. Killing other cadets (some of them younger than ner) since childhood has, what's the phrase... deeply fucked ner up.

There's also the fact that ne internalises everything instead of relying on ner family for help or support. Everything is ner fault, therefore ne has to fix it all on ner own, too. It's like a damage multiplier against ner emotional state. The other Aces don't even know about the fight club thing, ne told them it was intensive training for consideration for an ARC program. That's gonna be a fustercluck.

#putting under a readmore cause it's kinda long #and also for mentions of dehumanisation and lack of autonomy. transphobia. internalised ableism and acephobia. child murder.#Just Clone Things™#aroace agender autistic character experience surely bears no resemblance to aroace agender autistic writer experience *nervous sweating*#*puts the worst parts of growing up closeted and undiagnosed in a blender* *makes an OC out of it*#ct whisper

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poet-by-the-lake · 11 months

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As someone who grow up with no friends and now has a few…it’s kind of weird?

Like I’m genuinely surprised every time they show that they enjoy my presence and it’s not even a low self esteem thing it’s just…pleasantly surprising. Like I am capable of receiving love which is pretty neat.

I like friends, they’re cool.

#friends #frienship #growing up lonely #growing up shy #growing up autistic #growing up undiagnosed

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merkzlockr · 11 months

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Allistic people will see an undiagnosed autistic child behave autistically and ask "is anyone going to take their frustrations out on this" then not wait for an answer

#mercury.txt #autism #undiagnosed autism #growing up autistic #girl autism

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storkmuffin · 4 months

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I'm working my way through S3 of Young Sheldon, where the show is losing lustre for me*, but it does keep teaching me things I don't think they meant to, such as:

I didn't think this term applied to me but I really am a people pleaser. This comes as a shock because the feedback I've gotten my whole life is that I'm not pleasing enough, since the social burden and expectation placed on women and girls is of a degree and strength beyond those placed on men. I don't claim to be good at it, either.

I'm a people pleaser because I've been psychologically tortured into aping the behavior, not because I give a shit about whether 99% of the people I am around are pleased or not. I do these false actions by rote and feel contemptuous and exhausted when they work, which they do, until I get too tired or bored and stop doing them. Then? People get very, very angry.

In my heart of hearts, I wish I'd attacked everyone the way Sheldon does when he thinks his mentor was 'stealing credit' for the corrective input Sheldon gave him, even though I know that curbing the impulse made life easier (for example, I've never challenged the authority of anyone who could stand to give me something I wanted, unlike Sheldon).

#*I'm a bit sick of the expansion of focus (very autistic I guess) to the grandma's sex life and the pastor's and what not #*I hate Sheldon's stereotype-girl-jock sister (as a girl sports-hater and incompetent jock girls and i are not allies)#*his brother is definitely going to grow up to be a rapist who will be surprised by the me too allegations #young sheldon #autism #undiagnosed autistic

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