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observeowl · 1 year

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Not kicking N.R

Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Summary: R gets a little scare during her pregnancy and Natasha is there to calm her down

Your POV People say after the fifth month of your pregnancy, the baby becomes more stable and the likelihood of a miscarriage decreases.

However, I've started to feel a bit different. I haven't been feeling our baby kick for some days and negative thoughts started spiraling in my mind.

Nat and I have been trying for a baby the longest time. It was causing us a lot of stress so we finally gave up but I started having morning sickness and the symptoms of pregnancy and went to take a test and it turned out positive. There was really a miracle baby growing in me.

We were really careful and scared in the beginning, taking a lot of precaution as we did not have much experience in this. We finally had a chance at this shot and we didn't want it to slip between our fingers.

"Baby, are you feeling alright? You have been standing there for a long time." Nat came and placed a hand on my back. "What's on your mind? Come on, talk to me."

I turned to face her for a second before hiding my face in her neck. "What's wrong baby?" She wrapped her arms around me and rubbed my back up and down.

"I haven't been feeling the baby kick for a few days. I'm really scared that something is wrong..." I muttered and sniffed..

"Don't think too much, baby. Haven't you still been having morning sickness everyday?" For some reason, the toothpaste's smell really triggers my morning sickness. And so each morning and night it was a tough decision to brush my teeth or throw up. "If you really want, we can go see our doctor tomorrow." I nodded into her chest and Nat brought me up to bed.

"We'll go first thing tomorrow." She kissed my forehead before lulling me to sleep.

—

"Over here, you can see your baby and this is the heartbeat." The gynecologist pointed out and we were able to hear the steady heartbeat coming from the machine.

"It's not moving though..." I pointed out.

"Yeah, it seems like the baby loves to sleep. Don't worry, your baby is healthy."

I heaved a sigh of relief as Nat held my hand. The doctor gave me some tissues to clean off the gel and Nat helped me down from the bed.

"Now you can relax baby, nothing is wrong with our child." She gently rubbed your baby bump as she spoke.

"It scared me."

"It's alright. If you ever feel like that again you can come and tell me okay? Do you want anything before we head back to the compound?" Nat asked.

"I'm craving for some sweets." I cheekily said.

"At the amount you're eating. I'm sure our child will grow up to have a sweet tooth."

"But I'm craving for it..."

"I'm going to get it for you."

For the rest of the pregnancy, there was hardly any movement coming from the baby. It was rare when the baby would move and Nat really had to coax the baby to make some movement when she spoke to my baby bump at night before we slept.

"How is the baby sleeping the whole day?" Nat grumbled when there was no movement again.

I chuckled at her. Nat stayed with me the whole day today as she really wanted to catch it in action. She has been feeling my bump a lot at every chance she has, which was pretty much always today. She did manage to feel the baby in the morning but that was all she got. Nat did a little pout before I kissed her and got ready to sleep.

—

The trait continues even after the baby is born. After its first cry, she went back to sleep after nursing and only ever cried when she needed a change or feed.

It was really good for us as it meant that we didn't need to wake up unnecessarily during the night because she usually just sleeps right through.

She was the easiest baby to care for. We never have to force to take a nap, she just takes them willingly. We place her in her crib or mat and she drifts off to sleep within a few minutes of either of us patting her. There isn't much interaction for her as there were no other kids around other than Morgan but she plays by herself just fine. She hardly cries unless she has done something wrong or wet herself.

I don't know if it's because of Nat or I, but when we are feeding her, she sits still and never moves until she's done or we gave her the clear to go and play again.

I was definitely worried about her development, because she hasn't been speaking much other than the few usual words but as she grows, she sure turned out to be alright.

#natasha romanoff #natasha x y/n #natasha x you #natasha x reader #black widow 2021 #black widow #Not kicking #my writing

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all-eyes-lead-to-the-truth · 8 months

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All Eyes Lead to the Truth | Nisei (3x09)

For years Penny tried to ignore the flashes. It seemed like out of nowhere, she’d be blinded by a bright, white light she couldn’t blink away. Sometimes during intimacy with her husband, his loving face would be momentarily replaced by a familiar stranger looming over her, causing her to cry and pull away. Other times, all she could hear was the whirring sound of a drill.

These flashes would only last a moment, and for years she told herself it was probably just a side effect of the stress her unexplained disappearances caused. A drug habit, fugue state, an affair, everyone had their theories about where she was when she went missing. All Penny knew was that, cumulatively, there were nine months of her life that she didn’t get to live.

But then something happened, and she couldn’t ignore the flashes anymore. Penny had been to the gynecologist plenty of times in her life, but this time she was filled with a sense of impending dread. It was a perfect storm of triggers, being so exposed, her legs spread in the stirrups, the smell of anesthetic, the sharp snap of plastic gloves, the cold metal-

They were strapping her down to the table, injecting her with something that made her vision blur. Her stomach felt like it was going to burst. She could feel the metal rod impaling her.

The next thing she knew, she was in the corner of the room screaming while her OBGYN looked on in horror.

After that, she recognized the flashes for what they were: memories.

* * *

After joining the MUFON group, Penny learned there were some memories all the women in the group shared — the light, the men, the pain.

But, usually, everyone remembered something that was unique to their experience. Lottie remembered one of her doctors sardonically humming America the Beautiful as he arranged the drill bit. Betsy remembered hearing an Asian language being spoken above her. Quite a few women fervently remembered someone smoking a cigarette.

For Penny, she remembered comforting a young woman with auburn hair. But, just like all the memories, it came back in vague bits, vignettes that were difficult to discern.

Someone screaming, “Stop! Get away from me!”

The distant sounds of beeping getting faster.

A sense of empathetic dread.

A trembling, red-headed woman who reminded Penny of her sister.

The warmth of holding someone in her arms.

Bright blue eyes filled with tears.

Today, she finally got to put a name with a face.

Dana Scully.

* * *

There was something surreal about knowing the ins and outs of a stranger’s body language.

Dana’s tendency to blink back emotions, the anxious swipe of her tongue across her lips, her need to shield her vulnerability by hiding her face in her hands — Penny knew it all. She had been at Dana’s side during some of the darkest times of their lives, yet she had to resist the urge to pull her into her arms like she’d done a thousand times before. The younger woman didn’t remember her.

Even though Penny found comfort in knowing these other women knew what she’d gone through, she understood why it could make someone uncomfortable. The intimate violations they’d all endured were dehumanizing, cruel, and seemingly senseless. Dana seemed to be a private person, having a room full of people she didn’t recognize talk about her trauma so openly seemed to be too much.

She said she wasn’t ready to discuss her experience, and Penny respected that. Trying to figure out what words felt accurate to the violation was a personal experience for everyone.

Penny wishes she could take away her pain. The first time is always the worst, and this woman thinks they’re going to kill her. She doesn’t realize they aren’t that merciful. She isn’t sure why they keep allowing her to approach the young woman, let alone hold her for so long, but she isn’t going to question it. Physical touch that didn’t come with pain was rare here.

* * *

There were women just like them all over the globe, women who came together after their abduction experiences to offer support to each other. The people in their day-to-day lives might not have been willing to listen to them, but according to Betsy, some of the women from the European chapters of MUFON said they had caught the attention of people who hadn’t been abducted. There was even a woman who was interested in their stories, who cared enough to document their experiences and accompany the women to their doctor’s appointments.

Getting other people to listen was the first step to being taken seriously, to finding out who was behind this.

There weren’t many of them in Allentown, but they had each other. It was the strength of these women that got her through those experiences, and it was the strength of these women that would help her embark on this dark path they were all destined to walk.

Penny’s hand covers the back of Dana’s neck where an adhesive bandage covers the mark that will tie them together forever.

Dana doesn’t say much anymore, but when she does, it’s usually the same reassurance to herself.

“He’ll find me.”

“My partner, he-uh,” Dana stammered, turning away from the window when Betsy struggled to climb down from the MRI machine, clearly exhausted from the new rounds of tests she was forced to undergo. “He’s waiting for me.”

“I know this is hard, Dana,” Penny whispered, clasping the woman’s hands in her own for the first time in over a year. “But I hope you know you’re not alone.”

Dana offered a small smile and squeezed Penny’s hand before stepping out of the room.

“Do you think we’ll be seeing her again?” Lottie asked from beside her.

“We’re going to get out of here,” the red-headed woman whispers against Penny’s temple, wiping away tears Penny didn’t realize had fallen. “You can’t give up hope.”

With a smile, Penny nodded. “Yes."

Read the rest of All Eyes Lead to the Truth on Ao3

@gaycrouton

#all eyes lead to the truth #mulder #scully #msr #x files #fanfic #x files fanfic #season three #penny northern #mufon #the x files #s3 #niesi #3x09

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fake-eyes-opennn · 2 years

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Better off Alone Pt .1

Warning: mention of blood, emotions, pregnancy symptoms and I think that's pretty much it i guess but trigger warning maybe.

This is a work of fiction nothing mentioned in below is real and don't hate any character listed below. Also you may find some errors I did not edit it at all and English is my 2nd language so bear with me thank you.

Summery: you moved in with Chan leaving your parents ,friends and family to a new country.

It's been 1 month since you gave birth to you and Chan's baby Elora. It's been hard with him working on his new album and just you taking care of the baby. His mom promised you to come and help you out with the baby but things haven't been going well with her as well she can't just leave her job and move in for a couple of months and help you out same goes for your mother.

So it's just been you trying to figure this whole baby thing out walking in and out of rooms, cooking, working from home and cleaning.

Sometimes Chan doesn't even come home for a weeks cause his work is more important for him but this time he didn't visit you for a whole 6 months. He wasn't there half of your of your pregnancy you had to do it all of it on your own there wasn't any kind of special treatment nor any type of treatment. You had bad morning sickness, you had fatigue , you didn't sleep well, you bought all your pregnancy cravings, your feet would be swollen it would be hard for you to walk for days, you would take walks alone, go to your ultrasound appointment alone, you bought all the baby clothes, you decorate the nursery room alone and every thing else.

He came once while you were 6 months pregnant he talked to you a bit and said he would take a nap but he slept the whole day and woke up late the next day then he received a call right after he was about to take you to your ultrasound appointment but his job was more important than this baby and you so he left.

He then promised whatever happens he will be in labor with you. He promised him will be through out your pregnancy with you but he wasn't. As always Chan breaks his promises he never came that day.

It was a Friday you went to the kitchen to grab an apple that's when it happened your water broke you were terrified didn't know what to do or who to call. You picked up your phone and called Chan multiple times but it keeps taking you to his voice mail but you called again but the same thing happens.

Finally you called a taxi and grabbed your labor bag your self and walked down your apartment stairs slowly your sundress all wet and your shoes slippery you were in pain but you walked downstairs slowly and got in a taxi.

The taxi driver was kind enough to comfort you through out the ride as he noticed you were in labor. He helped you reach the hospital and left.

You were scared no one was with you. You look around and saw every one had someone with them but you was alone bearing this pain.

"Where is your guardian?" a nurse asked you.

"Am alone," the words were bitter.

The nurse looked at you and gave you a form to fill up. You did trying to stand on your feet your legs shaking. You were having bad contractions. you were sweating this whole thing was unbearable. You were unable to understand what you were writing on the form. Tears starting falling down your cheeks you let out little sobs unable to control yourself.

"Are you okay?" You just nod tears streaming down your cheeks wetting the paper.

After what felt like years of pain you were finally sent to the delivery room to have your baby.

"How long was she in for?" asked the gynecologist

"She was here since yesterday noon," one of the nurses answered

"Okay let's see," says the gynecologist and placed her hand underneath you. "Baby is on the way ready mom?"

"No," you answered between breathes.

"It's okay. You got this your baby will be with you any moment just push for me,"

You pushed and pushed and pushed then you heard it.

"It's a girl," said the gynecologist handing you your baby.

You looked down and saw the most tiniest creature covered in your blood crying and shaking.

"Shh mommy's here," You said patting her gently but she kept crying then nurses took her away.

"What's her name,"

"Elora," You answered.

"We just need to check how she is and we will bring her back to you. You can rest in your room," the nurse said and then she was gone.

You were in pain the lower part of your body was numb. You weren't able to rest you just wanted your baby next to you.

You called your mom and mother in law to tell them the good news they both said they will buy a plane ticket and see you soon.

You weren't able to go to the washroom and you were leaking blood everywhere messing the bed sheets and your hospital Gawn as well. You know it's okay to call one of the nurses and ask for help but you were ashamed and felt like a burden you came here alone and half of the nurses where with you since yesterday noon since you were having contractions for a long time. Yes it is there job but you started to feel like your making their job even worse by being the dependent person.

You shared a room with some other mom whom gave birth yesterday she was surrounded with people her husband was there, her mother ,her friends and family. People came congratulated her ,bought her gifts and help her with the baby. She was beautiful. you bet you look awful you haven't washed up at all ,you have been breastfeeding .you was hungry the nurses gave you food but you wasn't satisfied ,your breast was leaking. you didn't get to change and you probably smelt bad.

You envy the lady next to you she was happy ,she was loved and surrounded by the people she loved.

you was alone.

After putting Elora in her crib you slowly took the bed sheet that you messed and walked out looking for someone whom you can give it too.

"Y/n why did you lea- your leaked through," said the nurse that had been taking care of you.

"Am sorry," you said handing her the bed sheets.

"Let me help you," she said and took you back to your room help you shower ,she washed you hair , dried it and braided your hair and help you get changed into fresh clothes while your baby was in care by another nurse. Even though she was doing her job you were thankful.

When you returned you took your baby from the nurse whom was taking care of her while you getting cleaned up. You hugged your baby your heart feeling heavier and heavier. You were hungry, tired and wanted to sleep, you were In pain cause of your stitches, you were having horrible back pains, things just kept pilling up and you were suppose to leave the hospital tonight and you have no idea how you were gonna handle things.

1 month later.

You grabbed the baby bottle and checked the temperature on you wrist knowing it's the right temperature you gave the baby bottle to Elora she quickly started sucking on her bottle you left her in her crib and went to the kitchen to do the dishes after that you washed her baby bottles and you go to check her and she was asleep. You placed the camera on and took the tab with you. You checked on her while you started taking a shower, you did your hair and she was still asleep. So you did the laundry and cooked dinner and sat in her room looking at her peacefully sleeping.

I think she understands that things are hard for you .She stays silent and sleeps most of the time or maybe that's how babies her age are.

It's been 6 months now since Chan had come home he didn't call nor did you. You saw on the internet that he and his members had gone to the states to do a sound track for a marvel movie. He and his members were busy attending award shows, promoting their new album, attending dinner parties and celebrating since the marvel sound track got more attention and was #1 on billboard. They were performing and announced concert in the states. There was a lot going on in the past 6 months he didn't even bother to call nor text you to tell that he was leaving.

"I think it's just me and you Eli your father doesn't care about us anymore," You said holding her in your arms.

"Am not going to cry am not going to cry am not going to cry," You kept whispering to yourself tears falling from your eyes.

You suffered alone so much that thinking about those days makes you tear up. You were limping around the house ,starving, Elora crying ,you were sleepless and barefoot limping around the house, cramping ,you vaginal blood messing the floor and bed sheets blood running down your leg and being sticky you didn't have time to take a shower.

But it was all for the best all of it is gone now you tell yourself looking at your beautiful daughter.

"Fuck, you have beautiful lashes Eli," You complemented your baby drying your tears.

She is the reason that you kept going .she made you strong. she changed you. You were weak when you left the hospital with her in your arms. You were weak when you came home and it was cold and dark but she made you strong. She gave you strength. She gave you hope. She made you believe if you are here for her nothing is impossible. \ cringe bear with me lol\.

"Thank you for believing in mommy," You said.

You walked out with her in your arms to the living room and grabbed the remote and turned on some soft lullaby walking in the kitchen with her in your arm and warming up your breast milk in your other arm. Everything was going well you were still learning but you were handling it well. You had to carry her during your zoom calls since you was working from home and your colleagues were very helpful. Your boss even asked to give you a maternity break but you weren't able to work during your pregnancy days so you declined the offer and started working from home. They gave you not tiering tasks to do since you were taking care of the baby and had to do the house work.

Click.

The front door knob was being wiggled as if someone was trying to unlock it from the other side more like break it. They kept wiggling the knob trying to unlocked the door and now they were banging on the door. You jump scared and you quicky put Elora on the other crib at the living room picking you the closest weapon you found.

Baby wipes.

You picked up the pack ready to attack. The door was banging hard you looked through your peep hole.

A tall figured dressed in black. Black hat covering half of his face his head hanging low.

'Do I ignore him maybe if I don't answer the door he will leave'

bang bang bang.

He was getting impatient as his knocks got louder you hear Elora cry and you placed the wipes running to her.

"Y/n It's me open up,"

To be continued...

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sweaters-and-vertigo · 1 year

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trigger warning: medical procedure, gynecology

been thinking about the insertion of my IUD a lot recently. my doctor assured me the procedure lasted no longer than five minutes, but that stretched into nearly 20.

my gynecologist kept telling me that the reason it’s taking such a long time and the reason it’s so painful is that my cervix wasn’t “opening like it’s supposed to”. this Trained Medical Professional and her assistants were all women, and they all started scolding me to open my cervix. idk how to open my cervix. and they offered no help. they were condescending and unsympathetic.

“just open your cervix, ok, honey? then we can place the IUD in your uterus.” “you gotta open up that cervix for us, sweetie! work with us here!”

it was humiliating and painful. at one point, i said “maybe we should just stop” but they told me that they were so, so close (they weren’t) and i agreed to keep going. my mom had to hold me down. and i wasn’t allowed to take any pain medication or stress relievers before the procedure.

these were my doctors. i trusted these women with my body. what was supposed to be quicker than a pap smear turned into a freaking nightmare, in which sharp metal objects were being shoved inside me. they made me bleed and told me it was because i “moved around so much”. they laughed when they were done and made me feel weak for being in pain. i was crying and sweating, and when we got home i passed out for several hours.

EDIT: i reblogged this with my second IUD insertion awhile back. but not everyone sees it. it went much more smoothly because i had pain meds, and a more respectful doctor. it lasted two minutes and i barely felt anything. i just wanted to add this, in case someone was considering an IUD. just make sure they give you some pain meds and you’ll be fine!! i’m getting IUDs until menopause now lol

#was this traumatic?#was this a trauma?#is this normal???#i do not know #let the courts decide #calling all gynecologists. please give me answers.#gynecology #mirena iud #iud insertion #medical procedure #medical professionals #what do y’all think?#siri what is medical trauma

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myheartxmyman · 5 months

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Triggered:

- I tried to schedule an appointment at a gynecologist, out of four nobody answered their phones. I got one reply message saying 'we aren't taking in new patients.' I asked them for a fertility test. I'm shocked at the lack of empathy I encountered.

-> reminds me of 13th August 2023, and the following days where I was running around searching for help, but didn't get any

-> I'm losing it today.. And I understand that you're busy, but no message no emoji not even a reaction to one of my texts for six hours is hurting me. It hurts because YOU'RE using your phone and sending a heart or whatever is a thing of five seconds. It shows me I'm just not worth it to you. You KNOW how much I dislike this kind of behavior. I told you before.. I understand life can be stressful, there's much to do, and you're probably tired. I totally get it. But tipping on your phone for approximately five times and send anything at all is not too much to ask for. A man who truly loves you will find a few seconds to send a short message, a heart, an emoji whatever. If he would think of me this would be a natural action. But I'm not on his mind. And he doesn't care he's hurting my feelings and pissing me off. Behavior like that results in me distancing myself. I told you I dislike no message for hours on end, but nevertheless being online, you're not giving me the feeling that I matter to you, I don't feel important to you. And I also feel disrespected, why do I even tell you about things I dislike/are hurting me/are a trigger point when you just go on like before. It doesn't matter what I am saying, does it? It's not too much I'm asking for. Telling you what hurts me and you doing it anyway makes me wonder. When I am not worth a few seconds, when you don't care about triggering me, when you know something hurts me and you do it anyway, then I really don't know where this leads to. Relationships need work and consideration from both parties.

We both have to be willing to change if we want to make this better.

I know in a year I probably won't stress myself about the current situation, but right now I feel awful. It's definitely one of the hardest days of year 2023. Quite a few steps have been done today, I'll get some truths that will change my life forever. And I'm sad. Sad, because I feel like a fool. I'm calling x agencies for you and you refuse to give me a few seconds. No 'thinking of you. But hey I'm so tired and I have to finish this.', instead nothing, nothing at all. In moments like these I can't help but wonder about how much I am willing to do for you, when you're showing me again and again that you're not putting in the same effort. Maybe I'm mistaken right now but all of this definitely doesn't help reducing my high stress level, I am tired, I'm in pain, I am bored and lonely and my heart aches.

#not just online in whatsapp and ignoring me #no also active in Instagram #plain and simple it's disrespectful

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somnolent-scout · 4 months

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Trigger topic but uhh

Do people forget that Planned Parenthood offers like.. a shit ton of stuff?

Yes, they offer ab*rtions in places where they can. But they also offer a full selection of gynecology care and maternal care. They don't just terminate pr-gnancies, they help care for pr-gnant people and aid them in staying healthy. They do ultrasounds, medical pr-gnancy tests, and a lot more.

Fuckin.. stop trying to close these places. It's so goddamn hard to get a decent gynecologist in America, let alone red states. It took me MONTHS to find my current one. I had to sort through such bullshit inaccurate care and male doctors.

Also.. how the hell do men become gynecologists?? I have never met a male gynecologist who wasn't super fucking sus

Anwyays enough triggering rants

I saw a Planned Parenthood building in California as well as their recent "We need your help" advertisements and it really got to me.

#tw tokophobia #tokophobia #tw abortion #tw planned parenthood #tw rant #tw vent

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honeyandbloodpoetry · 1 year

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My Gender-Affirming Hysterectomy Journey

❗️❗️❗️Tldr: I wanted to write about my experience and feelings on getting a hysterectomy for both gender affirming reasons and as a medical emergency. There is a tw for suicidal ideation and organ photos are at the bottom. This does not cover everything in my journey of course, and I may write more on my experiences sometime. But this was just a very emotional write-up for me during my recovery s few days ago. ❗️❗️❗️

The lifelong journey to getting my hysterectomy was hard. As of right now, a hysto was the only gender affirming surgery I was interested in--I do experience dysphoria, but am uninterested in surgery. A hysterectomy held a lot of weight for me even before I knew I was transgender. The earliest moment I can recall dysphoria and pain over the ability to become pregnant/expectations of motherhood as an inevitability was in kindergarten. In fact, as someone with CPTSD, it is an astonishingly clear childhood memory. As I got older, the dysphoria and eventual phobia got worse and worse, no matter how hard I tried to stuff myself into a box. My dysphoria began to make my psychosis worse starting I'm high school, it affected my self esteem and bodily insecurities, it affected by sex life and relationships. Within the past four years, the dysphoria and phobia relating to having a female reproductive system began taking over my life and making me so genuinely miserable and honestly delusional over my own body.

All I wanted was a male body. And it felt like the most female and painful part of me was in a place I could never touch, but controlling everything bodily, sexually and mentally about me. Since childhood I was haunted by this and in an indescribable amount of pain. My first puberty hit and I had extreme reproductive problems--less than 15 or 20 periods in my entire life. Extreme pain. Then, starting in mid December symptoms started happening, and in January I started heavy bleeding for 80 days straight. I lost weight uncontrollably (I choose to be fat on purpose and weight loss or gain out of my control is a trigger for ED for me), I was in constant severe pain, I had cramps my doctor compared to birthing cramps, I could barely walk anymore. I fought with our healthcare system as a poor person who's trans wife was recently fired due to gender discrimination and has STILL not found justice to try and get emergency healthcare. I was told how sick I was, and that it was obvious I was at least in precancer stages, and that my entire reproductive system was basically a minefield. It was almost funny that the thing in my body that had caused me the most suffering in my life could be what killed me. My testosterone was also tanking during this time, slowing my transition and causing my estrogen to be higher than I would obviously want. It felt like my reproductive system was destroying me, and honestly it had been for a long time.

As I prepared for surgery and went to appointment after appointment, I had to keep returning to the maternity ward and gynecologist office. I was repeatedly misgendered in person and in documents and even told by an ultrasound specialist that my uterus looked fine and "there's no reason for her to have this surgery". I came out of most of my appointments crying and just wishing I had been born a man, or not at all. My mental health plummeted because I was convinced the surgery would not be successful, and overall my dysphoria was at an all time high. I never told anyone because I was ashamed, but the first gynecologist from my usual community clinic who referred me to a wider network basically walked into the room and told me I had cancer because I was fat and misgendered me the whole time. I did not tell anyone because I was ashamed and embarrassed, but my surgical team and other doctors have been amazing and let me know this was astounding medical malpractice. Still... all of these appointments really drilled into me and just hurt. It got very bad for me and I was unsure how to reach out. I felt like I was so wrong and bad inside and out, and that even my sickness was a burden. I was not sure how to go to anyone, but my suicidal ideation had gotten worse and worse since December and was beginning to peak to something that felt out of my control. It was terrifying, and at my breaking point I scheduled therapy and made the decision to go back on antipsychotics.

The day of the surgery, I felt resigned. I had hope, but I was also scared of what might happen. I have a notoriously frail body and was scared I would not make it through surgery. Or that it would be unsuccessful and... then what? I just held hands with my wife and sang to her in the car on the way there and let her love just sit with me. I hadn't slept a wink the night before and it felt like I was in a state of floating. As I was being prepped for surgery, I felt still. Somewhere in between. I got to be held by Millie one last time and I said a prayer to the diety who has walked beside me since childhood. As I was put under, all I could think about was going home and playing some video games and cuddling with my wife. Being peaceful. Being loved. Nothing wild or crazy or outlandish. Just peace.

Maybe being free of this burden.

When I woke up from surgery, the first thing I did was look around then down at my hands. My first thought was "I'm alive". After struggling so much with being suicidal, it felt so happy and real and I felt so happy to be here. I leaned my head back on the pillow and swam in and out of sleep for some time. I had no idea if my surgery was successful for an hour or so, but I was in pain and somehow felt at peace, like I knew. I finally felt like I was resting for the first time in a long time. The surgeon came to my bedside and told me that the surgery was a complete success--not only that, but it was astonishingly smooth and easy, one of the best surgeries she had ever done. I smiled and just thanked her and told her this was all I've ever wanted since I was a child. She almost cried and told me she was so happy she could help me.

Millie hugged me so tight when she could see me. We were both so relieved and so happy and I just got to tell her how happy I was. It was just tear filled joy and peace and the feeling of finally everything is okay. Finally something has went right. I will never forget how happy I was to see her and tell her it was successful (even though she knew before I did) and the feeling of wholeness I felt. Coming home really felt like coming home--plus, I had my amazing friends Nathan and Suyin there to help care for both of us and make an amazing dinner. I felt so warm and so loved and so OKAY. I'm learning to let people in and it is such a warming feeling, especially during recovery.

It's been a little over a week since my surgery and my recovery is going smoothly. My body is a lot stronger than I thought. I started my new medications yesterday, and while this isn't suddenly a cure all for my mental health, it genuinely feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My gender affirming healthcare is inspiring me to keep going. It saved my life in more ways than one. This dysphoria is no longer active--it is now a past trauma I can healthily process. I can now feel right in my body, right in my sex life, right in my gender identity in a way I never have before. Despite the mood swings that come with menopause and despite the pains of recovering from surgery, I feel more happy and whole and not-in-pain than I ever have in my whole life. I have never experienced gender and body euphoria like this before! I just feel...complete.

I am really happy I held on and had hope. I am really happy I fought my way through the medical system to get this surgery. I am happy I get to live my life with this healthcare. I look at the little boy me still deep inside my heart and hug him so tightly because WE DID IT! This feels like a new chapter to my life that I am incredibly happy to get to be here for. It's honestly difficult to put the gravity of all of this, both the euphoria, dysphoria and pain, into words. But I wanted to try.

I am unsteady, but I am okay. I am happy. I am free.

I AM NEUTERED BAAAAABY

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winniewings · 2 years

Text

Her name is Sarah : Part 3 (Bucky Barnes)

Pairings : Bucky Barnes x original female character

Warnings : Past rape, protagonist was sexual abuse victim, past abuse, scars, blood .

Summary : Who could say that a normal night walk would change Bucky Barnes life forever, when he finds a distressed woman with blood stained clothes seated next to a New York’s street dust bin , holding her naked newborn baby in her arms staring at the blue eyed man with her vulnareble hazel eyes.

Part 3 ( Part 2 )

Being aware of the time, the blue eyed man had chosen to walk really slowly, taking feather-like light steps towards her bed, and an audible sigh of relief escaped his lungs when his eyes fell on the sleeping woman's countenance.

The woman's appearance had visibly gotten better, definitely better than when she had first arrived in the hospital. Her dark brown curls were loosely tied in a ponytail that rested on one side of the pillow and her skin shone under the light, revealing the numerous wounds of her face.

The lass was being stared at undisturbed until her slumber was shaken due to the gynecologist's footsteps, waking her up lazily. Using the remote control, the medical professional lifted up the upper half of the adjustable bed, so she can watch both visitors comfortably. " Meet the man who saved you and your baby that night... Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes , an avenger" The gynecologist spoke as her patient heavily blinked at the brunet, whose lips were drawn in a gentle smile staring at the amber eyed lady in awe.

The next moment, the entire room felt like it had fallen into the vast universe's dark hole as silence took over every one of the three bodies present there.

"You have no idea what you have done for me and my child" The wounded woman spoke in a teary voice breaking the wordlessness, holding back thick droplets of salty water back in her eyes. Which, by the way, she could not contain for long, because they fell out of the rims of her lower eyelid in the next painful seconds.

"I don't have words to thank you" She continued, almost sobbing with tears that were tracing a path from her orbs to her lips.

"Don't say that" Bucky managed to reply, taking a seat on the stool that was next to her bed, "please don't cry" he added, looking at the doctor for assurance, silently asking her if he did well in paying this visit to the lady at this moment.

As a reply, the professional smiled at him humbly and both of them stared at the lady who had begun to calm down.

" What's your name? What do they call you?" Bucky asked after a while of glaring at her countenance while she was staring in front of her.

" Call me?... he used to call me princess" She replied, after thinking hard and blinking in a lossless manner.

Her reply had widened both visitors eyes as they looked at each other alarmed that she was responding. "How old are you?" Bucky tried his luck once again.

"I don't know I don't know…" '' she responded, not meeting anyone's eyes and in shame... an impossibility driven nervousness due to the reason that she did not know such crucial details about herself.

"No problem, don't stress yourself... Maybe you remember better where you lived?" Bucky insisted.

The woman's eyes got triggered by this question... because... she could answer this one.

"In a room…" she mouthed, lazily, eyes still glued to the same spot in front of her, however furrowing her brow.

" In a room? Where was this room?" This the gynecologist asked, stepping closer to her.

" I don't remember... I was always in the room... I was always in between those four walls... always... Since the day he brought me there I never stepped outside of it" The woman shared, clearly struggling for words to voice her thinking.

Her replies were giving Bucky terrifying goosebumps and were making his blood run cold in fury at the man who did this to the abused woman in front of him. All of a sudden, the woman's steady eyes looked at the gynecologist in fear, as if she had realized something.

" My baby ,you told me that you were taking care of him... you have not even let me see him by now... where is he?... you haven't told me anything about him?" The woman asked, getting increasingly agitated with every word she spoke, beginning to lift her back up from the backrest and almost wanting to jump out of the bed.

"He is doing fine , relax."The doctor responded kindly, smiling at her and gently pushing her to the makeshift backrest,"your baby is premature, he was born a couple of weeks before your due date, so he's kept in the NICU. But don't worry... he will be out of the intensive unit by tomorrow"

"Why tomorrow…? Why not now? I haven't seen him for a while... Do you understand me? Please... I want to take him in my arms... please... I can't stay without him... I need to see him now... please take me to him... I want to see him!" The woman's agitation was slowly becoming a panic attack as she threw her blanket off her bearing a sharp pain in her limbs.

"No, please. Don't get up yet. You are not well enough to walk by yourself" The doctor immediately stopped the new mother from getting up, with some help from Bucky who got up from his seat to aid the medical professional in order to get her patient under control by gently holding her bruised upper arms.

"Wait! Wait... please calm down, let me see if they can discharge him now... calm down" The doctor said and only after those words fell on the ears of the agitated patient, she stopped shaking. However, was still panting anxiously.

"Relax… let me ask" She whispered once again and lifted her hands up from her patient's limbs.

The doctor rushed outside to do what she had promised a couple of seconds ago, mainly because she did not want to inject her patient into unconsciousness again. And also because she was informed that the baby's condition was stable enough for being out of the NICU but was waiting for an authorized professional to discharge him following the proper protocol. Luckily, there was a pediatrician whose night duty had just started, so she was able to discharge the newborn. And in no time, the gynecologist entered room 109, with the bundle of joy in her hands, sleeping, properly covered in a white blanket and wearing a super soft beanie on his nut-sized head. During the whole walk from the NICU to his mother's room, the doctor couldn't take her eyes off this angelic creature. In the meantime, Bucky had given the suffering woman a glass of water, to help her cool down. So when the doctor arrived, the amber eyed lady was handing away the empty glass to a concerned standing former US soldier.

"My baby… he's alive he's fine …"the young mother muttered in an unparalleled joy seeing her baby handed to her in her arms as a huge smile made her features shine brighter than the sunlight under the artificial white light of the hospital's room.

She stroked her baby's delicate covered head with her fingers and carrying drops of happiness in her unique orbs, she lowered her lips to press a warm kiss on the boy's pink forehead.

"I'll tell the nurse to prepare the room with the baby's accommodation" The doctor told the emotionally overwhelmed woman, who wasn't even really paying attention to the professional.

" We are free... we made it out alive" She whispered in her baby's ear, kissing his cheek tenderly, after gently moving the disturbing edge of his blanket slightly down.

Following a couple of loving caresses of his mama, the baby woke up and began crying… And wasn't stopping at all, even after being beautifully cradled in the damsel 's arms.

" I think he's hungry…"the doctor suggested

"Hungry…?" The lady asked," then we should give him food"

"He's really small to eat …his food is in your body. Offer him your breast. Maybe he latches on it... although he's very very small and delicate, nonetheless, try it. Look, first open these top buttons of your gown" The doctor started explaining, leaning into her patient and showing her what to do but when she was about to open the flap of the lady's gown, she rolled her head to look at the only male in the room.

"Bucky, you can go to my cabin. I would like to have a word with you there. Let's give them some privacy. Take the first right and then walk till you reach the end of the hallway. The last cabin is mine. I'll join you in a minute"

"Sure" Bucky said, and after taking a last glimpse of the clueless woman ,he left the room.

"He is starting to suck on your nipple, lovely…" the doctor commented, after seeing the baby successfully latch on his mother's breast after various unsuccessful attempts at this new task that he would be doing for the first couple of months of his life.

"You are very lucky... he was very weak when he arrived …and now look , he is ready to feed from you directly. The doctors have done an amazing job"

"Thank you so much.He is the only reason i want to live…the only reason"the nameless woman thanked the doctor, with a very emotionally burdened voice.

"You don't have to thank us…it's our job" the doctor replied, but very soon her eyes fell on the fresh wounds staining her exposed breast, one of the wound being as fresh as ice ,just above her areola. The doctor's hand lifted up to touch that open wound on the lady's bosom, being very careful not to disturb the baby , and stroked the injury hesitantly with two of her fingers feeling its agony as the woman’s gaze moved from her baby’s lips slightly up to the doctor’s nervous fingertips.

Notes:

hi people! Chapter 3 is up, hope you like it! i am no medical professional so whatever i have written is not to be taken seriously, its just fiction , so read and enjoy ! Let me know in the comments section if you wish to be added in the tag list .

PS: please , drop a comment bellow,hit the like button and reblog !

Edited: i hope now the tags worked and reached to my tag list ! thanks for helping me @vbecker10 .

tags:

@void-imaginations

#@i-can-do-this-all-dayy

@lokiandbuckysdoll

@vbecker10

@vickie5446

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philipcole · 2 years

Photo

NAME: Philip Russell Cole GENDER & PRONOUNS: Cis man & he/him AGE & DATE OF BIRTH: 50 years old / September 6th, 1972 HOMETOWN: Chicago, Illinois NEIGHBORHOOD: North Side TIME IN BRADFORD SPRINGS: 17 years OCCUPATION: Chief of Obstetrics & Gynecology Department at Rocky Mtn. Medical Center SEXUALITY: Heterosexual

Trigger warnings: illness, death

As the oldest child in the family of five, Philip always knew what he wanted for himself - a big family of his own, and a better and far easier childhood for his children. Do not take him wrong, he was more than grateful to his parents for everything they have done for him and his siblings, but growing up in the South Side, Chicago, wasn’t the prettiest childhood exactly. His father took two, sometimes three jobs, to make ends meet, while his mother was a housewife. Philip was only eight when he got his first job of a delivery boy, and to this day he has never stopped working.

Fortunately, the boy was smart, and despite a brief encounter, or let’s call it a year or two of spending time with the wrong crowd, he managed to graduate from high school and enroll into the University of Chicago, on a scholarship. Definitely not a big step for a human kind, but certainly a big one for the boy from the working class family. After getting his bachelor in pre-med, the logical step was to enroll into the med school, which he did at the same university. It wasn’t a childhood dream of his to become a doctor, but it was the quickest way to get out of the South Side, wasn’t it? Fortunately for him, it was the right choice because not just that he fell in love with Medicine, but he was also really good at it.

While still in med school, he met Caroline, a single mother of a four year old girl, who came to Chicago from Bradford Springs, Colorado, to work as a personal asistent in a real-estate company. If you ask Philip, it was love at first sight.. he still remembers seeing her for the first time in front of the post-office, wearing that long camel coat of hers, her hair flying around in the wind. It was surely a sight.. and from that moment on, the two were inseparable. Soon they got married and just a couple of weeks after his graduation, the young doctor and his wife have gotten twins, a boy and a girl. It was truly everything Philip had ever wanted, a big family and the bright future ahead of them.

After finishing his OB-GYN residency at one of Chicago’s hospitals, the family of five decided to move to Caroline’s hometown of Bradford Springs so they could raise their children in a close-knit and safe community surrounded with nature. And it was perfect.. more than perfect.. until Caroline got ill. It was ten years ago, Philip was forty years old, their oldest daughter was eighteen, while the twins were only fourteen.. three months after her diagnosis, the beloved mother and wife died. The Cole family lost their core. And Philip lost the love of his life.

It wasn’t easy to all of a sudden become both mom and dad, and to raise three teenagers on his own, but his family was everything to him.. despite the long and hard hours, Philip tried to be by his kids through everything, and God, how did he miss Caroline by his side. However, many wondered would the town’s favorite gynecologist marry again, but it had never happened. It wasn’t that Philip wasn’t dating, he was.. but he simply never met anyone whom he wanted to welcome into his family. Though, Philip was aware of that old saying - never say never.

Wanted connections:

kids: Piper Cole

siblings:

ex(es):

friends with benefits:

best friend:

friends:

co-workers:

neighbors:

#bsco.intro #tw illness #tw death

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endlessthxxghts · 1 month

Text

Dr. Miller - Pt 1

Orthopedic!Joel Miller x afab!Reader || W/C: 3.5k

Summary: You’ve been dealing with a pain in your hip for a few weeks now, and it’s time you visit a specialist to see what’s going on.

Warnings: Reader is able-bodied. No physical descriptions for reader, all neutral (“your thigh”, etc). She/her pronouns for reader. Your occupation is a writer (LOL😙). Reader has a weird hatred for doctor appointments. Slight clothing description, no sizes mentioned. Pet names (darlin, angel, girl). Canon divergent - no outbreak, medical professional AU. You and Joel are literally strangers… like… ya just met today. 18+ MDNI. Inherent power imbalance (doctor-patient relations)….doctor’s office….Lots of teasing/dirty talk...oral (f receiving)…“author chose not to use archive warnings” - I don’t want to say too much!!! But pls note that there is explicit sexual activity occurring!!... proceed with horny caution… Please let me know if I need to add anything up here!

A/N: I was talking to @javierpena-inatacvest about a doctor’s experience I had (IT WAS NOWHERE NEAR INAPPROPRIATE LIKE THIS LMAOO JUST TO CLARIFY), and then we started joking around about if Joel were the doctor that I saw. So, I wrote this👹. Also I must mention!! I wouldn’t have been completely inspired/motivated to write this if it weren’t for @swiftispunk’s gynecologist!Joel Miller series she put out a little while ago!! It’s fucking amazing and yummy, and if you haven’t read that yet, DO IT NOW! 🫶 Alrighty, I love you all, I hope you enjoy xxx

SERIES MASTERLIST || MASTERLIST || NOTIF BLOG

Your appointment with DR. MILLER is coming up! Please arrive 15 minutes prior to your appointment time: 4:00PM.

You got this text yesterday, grumbling to yourself about the fifteen minute early request. Why not just schedule the appointment for 3:45 then? you thought.

Doctor appointments were your least favorite thing on the planet, no matter the reason. So when your hip started giving you trouble these last few weeks, so much so that you began to walk with a limp, you knew you weren’t going to get away with time as your medicine.

You were pretty knowledgeable when it came to your body — that’s what years of not wanting to see medical professionals have trained you for — so with this particular pain, you knew you had to see a specialist. After doing some research to see which doctors took your insurance, you finally settled on a practice just ten minutes from your house.

You arrived at your appointment at exactly 3:45, filling out the preliminary paperwork in less than five minutes leaving you to wait for ten.

Around 4:01, your name was called by one of the nurses, directing you to a room with two chairs, a medical bed, a light screen on the wall to display x-rays, and a computer screen mounted to the wall with a shelf below for the mouse and keyboard. The computer screen was facing away from where you’d be sitting.

You settle yourself into one of the chairs, waiting for the nurse to start his round of questions only for the doctor to ask you the same thing over again.

“Can you confirm your name and date of birth for me?”

“Mhm,” you reply monotonously, stating your information back to him.

“Great, thanks! And what brings you in today?”

“Well, the last few weeks I’ve had this dull pain in my left hip. It hurts in any kind of position I put it into, and I haven’t really done anything out of routine to trigger this,” you explain, still pretty annoyed.

“And do you have pain right now? Can you rate it, 1 to 10?” The nurse asks as he types up your explanation.

“Mm, I’d say about a 6 right now. Though, the pain has gone up to a 10.”

The nurse hums in acknowledgment, clicking a few things on screen before he sets the computer into sleep mode. “Alright, I’ve put everything you told me in your chart. Dr. Miller will be in here shortly to review it over with you and get to the bottom of your pain. I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this for a few weeks!”

His sweet and validating demeanor is like a slap to the face. He’s just doing his job, while you’re over here being not as sweet for absolutely no reason. You let out a deep sigh before you give the nurse an apologetic smile. “Thank you,” you say sincerely. “I really appreciate your help.”

“Just doing my job,” he responds with a smile, shutting your door softly to give you some privacy while you wait.

Maybe you’ve been a little harsh towards the people in this field. Yeah, you’ve had some shit experiences, and maybe that’s why you’ve always loathed appointments of any kind, but not all of them are that way. Some are simply just doing their job.

A few minutes pass, and a small knock to your door pulls you out of your thoughts.

“Hey, there, I’m Dr. Miller,” the man says, a deep southern drawl blessing your ears.

The moment your eyes drag up to meet the tall man before you, all words and breath are stolen from your lungs.

Oh, fuck.

Dr. Miller is fucking hot.

His eyebrows begin to furrow, staring at you a little longer before saying your name questioningly, followed by a “Right?”

Finally, you break out from your trance, realizing you’re utterly staring. Your eyes go wide, and you realize he’s been holding his hand out for you to shake. “Oh, shit..” you mutter to yourself. “Hi, yes, that’s me- sorry, Dr. Miller-” you ramble, cheeks on fire as you shakily reach for his hand.

A soft chuckle escapes his mouth, and God, your entire body starts to grow hot. “No worries, darlin’,” he smiles. God, his smile. What kind of water does this man drink?

You laugh nervously as your heart lurches in your chest from his name for you. Bedside manner, you think. He probably calls all his patients some kind of nickname. For comforting purposes. Right? You keep quiet, not wanting to let more words slip from your mouth in the case that you embarrass yourself more.

Dr. Miller logs himself into the computer, his eyes squinting at the screen as he reads the notes the nurse left behind.

“Few weeks… dull pain… left hip…” he whispers to himself. “Uh huh,” he says as he finishes reading. “And you’re sure you don’t recall doin’ anythin’ out of your regular routine?”

“No, Dr. Miller, I really can’t,” you grimace, hating that you really don’t know what’s wrong.

As he sits there contemplating, you can physically see the gears turning in his head, and it’s just about the hottest thing you have ever seen. He is just about the hottest thing you’ve ever seen-

“Wait,” he says, the lightbulb shining bright above his head.

“What?” You reply a little too eager for your liking.

“What do you do for work, darlin’?” He asks, scrolling through your chart once more to see if your occupation is on file.

The second he asks the question, you feel your face flush impossibly more, knowing damn well where this conversation is going.

You hesitate before you answer. “...I’m…I’m a writer…” you whisper, a defeated smile weakly plastered across your face.

His eyebrows raise, a silent smug uh huh already bouncing around in your brain.

“And do you, uh… you sit a lot? Don’t ya?” Dr. Miller asks, knowing your answer already.

“I do,” you admit, your hands going up to cover your face, your guilt.

“And I reckon you forget to take them breaks? Stretch out your body a bit, huh?” Dr. Miller has given up hiding his shit-eating grin at this point.

“You reckon right,” you mirror his sentiment.

“Mhm,” he hums. He waits for you to remove your hands from your face and you meet his eyes. When you do, he cocks his head to the side, gesturing to the bed. “Hop up there real quick, I wanna try somethin’.”

“Oh, okay,” you say softly, sitting at the edge of the bed timidly. His hands reach for your shoulders first, guiding you to lay flat on your back. “I’m gonna slide you closer to the edge here, so your legs dangle off. That okay?”

“Yeah,” you squeak out, your breath struggling to make its way to your lungs at the way his ginormous hands ghost the coast of your thigh.

At your confirmation, his hands secure themselves on the underside of your thighs, pulling you to the very edge of the bed, your hips nearly an inch away from being right against his own. You swear he can hear the rapid beat of your heart right now.

“Still alright there?” he asks. So attentive, you think. You catch yourself smirking, immediately placing your hand over your mouth. You give him a muffled mhm in response.

“Let me know if I’m hurtin’ ya at all, okay, darlin’? I’ll stop,” he tells you as he slowly begins guiding your legs open. He spreads your legs into a near butterfly position — you can feel the tightness in your hips slowly start to release. “Deep breath in and out, it relaxes your body more.”

And to your surprise, it does. You take one deep breath in, then out, and you can feel your legs fall even wider, your hip joint completely relaxed and not as tight as it was when you came in.

“Atta girl,” Dr. Miller beams, feeling the stretch. Your heartbeat floats down to the heart between your legs under his praise, and all you wish you could do right now is shut your legs in case of any wetness that’s bound to say hello any minute now because you are fucking soaked. You knew you should’ve worn underwear today, damn it.

He keeps you in this position for a minute, letting your body enjoy the freedom of pain. If he can feel your body beginning to squirm — and not out of any discomfort — he doesn’t say anything. Although he can’t deny the pretty intimate position he’s put you two into. And, you are quite beautiful. He couldn’t help the butterflies in his gut when he first walked in. And seeing you get all flustered with him? It was so damn cute-

“Why the left?” He blurts out, trying to get his thoughts away from the fact that he’s holding you open and can practically smell the arousal radiating from you — nevermind the tiniest hint of your wetness leaking through your sweatpants.

You track your eyes to his. His gaze was somewhere else before he met yours. “Huh?” You ask, too distracted to register his sudden question.

“You, uh- you say you write. And you sit. A lot. How are you sittin’ that it’s only your left buggin’ ya?”

“Oh,” you sigh. “Yeah… I probably don’t sit in very good positions…” you admit. His eyebrow quirks. You explain more. “…I sit…with my left leg propped up-”

“Jesus,” Joel cuts you off with a headshake. “Well, I mean. You’re pretty flexible,” he says as he, without thinking, squeezes your thigh. “Maybe you oughta incorporate yoga or somethin’ throughout your day,” he suggests.

The tiniest of gasps leave your throat at the sensation. “Yeah, maybe,” you reply breathily.

“Y’know what, let’s try one more thing, alright? How you feelin’, you okay still, darlin’?”

“I’m good, Dr. Miller,” you reply honestly, your head feeling like it’s floating already the longer you stay in his presence and his touch.

He smiles at you, his eyes warm with a hint of something else you can’t — or shouldn’t — pinpoint. He places both hands on your left thigh, one on the outside and one on the inside. “Alright, I’m gonna pull your thigh over your right one. Try ‘n keep your back flat on the bed. I wanna see how this stretch makes you feel. Again, darlin’, let me know if I’m hurtin’ ya.”

The second your thigh crosses over, a shameless moan leaves your throat — your legs crossing did absolutely nothing to ease your aching center, only stimulating the smallest but sweetest amount of friction to get you to break. “Fuck-” you gasp, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry- that was loud-”

You glance at Dr. Miller. He’s already looking at you, a pained look on his face. He’s tense. The grip he has on your thigh is tightening, but you don’t say anything. You don’t want to. “You don’t need to apologize for that, angel,” he coos. “It’s such a relief when you finally get that release, huh?”

“Ye- yeah,” you manage, your voice barely a whisper, your eyes transfixed on the way his hands look on your body. He’s guiding you back into your first position, the one that opens you for him.

“Yeah,” he repeats. “Ya just needed to be opened up a bit. Ain’t that right, angel?” He asks, hands fixed on the inside of both your thighs, dangerously close to where you desperately need him.

Your breathing is heavy, heart running a mile a minute. “Dr. Miller,” you whine. “Please,” your eyebrows furrow, eyelids fluttering shut on the high your body is giving you.

One of his hands scoot closer in, his thumb slowly starts to caress the outer part of your pussy. “What‘s wrong, darlin’? Are ya in pain now?”

“Mhm,” you whimper, hips bucking into his hold.

“Where, baby? Tell me where, let me fix it for you,” he says in a baby, almost mockful tone. You’re too fucking turned on to analyze how he’s speaking to you. All you know is that you need his fingers, his tongue, his cock — something, to fuck you right now.

You buck your hips once more, wordlessly showing him where. That won’t do for Dr. Miller. “Need to hear ya, angel,” he says, a mix of comfort yet stern in his voice.

“F-fuck-” you let out. You are not about to beg your doctor to touch you right now. That is wrong on so many levels. Especially for him. He could lose his license, his entire career, his-

“Touch me, Dr. Miller, please,” you whisper desperately, not wanting to be too loud in case anyone passes by.

A satisfied grin spreads between his cheeks. He taps your hip once, and you lift up, letting his fingers hook themselves in the hem to slide them off you. He whistles lowly at the sight, his head softly shaking in disbelief. “God damn, angel. This messy for me, baby?”

You nod your head rapidly, soft mewls of an affirmative leave your throat.

Dr. Miller pulls the rolling chair underneath himself and he sits, lining his face right up against your sex. His hands are fixed on the outsides of your thighs, keeping you open for him. He leans in and breathes deeply. His lip twitches. His eyes are on yours again, dark, pleading. “Tell me to stop,” he mutters.

“What?” you ask, dizzy at the notion that this man — your doctor — that you just met is mere centimeters away from your sex.

“Tell me to stop,” he nearly demands.

You shift your hips, bringing yourself closer to his mouth.

“No.”

“Fuckin’ christ, girl,” he snarls.

His fingers dig into your thighs, his face diving right into your core. He licks the entirety of you with the flat of his tongue, the slick building between your folds causing his eyes to fly back.

You’re no better as your hand flies to your mouth, biting into your flesh to stop yourself from moaning out. He can feel your body writhe in his grasp, your hips utterly begging to grind against his scruffy face and hooked nose.

Your fast-paced breathy whimpers mixed with the sounds of Dr. Miller’s slurping are all what consumes the room — consuming him, consuming you.

His tongue massages around your entrance before he finally pushes himself in, his nose pushing against your pulsing clit.

“Oh, Dr. Miller, yes-” you gasp out, particularly loud, at the action. You fully slap your hand over your mouth this time, immediately muffling the uncontrollable lewdness spilling from your mouth.

Dr. Miller reluctantly pulls his tongue from you and wraps his mouth around your bud, sucking and swirling his tongue against every sweet spot of yours, nearly yanking you to your mind-blowing high. One hand leaves your thigh and makes its way to you. He rubs his middle and ring finger in your arousal before he pushes his fingers inside of you, pumping at the same pace his tongue works your clit, and that’s what does it.

“Fuckfuckfuck-!” You scream out into your hand, biting into your palm with a sheer force you know your hand will suffer the consequences from later. He groans into your cunt, his vibrations sending further tingles up your spine. Your hips buck into Dr. Miller’s face once more, drawing out the pure ecstasy you never knew existed.

Dr. Miller’s head finally lifts off you, a blissed look written all over his shiny face. His fingers come to a halt and find their way into his mouth; Dr. Miller is very thorough in making sure he doesn’t waste a drop.

The action sends you clenching on nothing, and Dr. Miller’s knees damn near buckle at the sight.

He checks the clock on his watch, and he’s still on track with his timing. His hands mindlessly reach for his pants, but he pauses as he finally realizes what the fuck he’s just done and actually doing right now.

You notice his hesitancy, and you know it’s probably the more rational decision to just stop right here. To stop this from going any further. To let this appointment come to an end, go home, and search for a new doctor. But when your eyes drag down to the tenting fabric of his scrubs, all rational thought fades from your brain.

“Dr. Miller,” you whisper, bringing his attention back to you. You let your legs fall impossibly wider, allowing him the space to slot his broad body between your thighs. And just like that, his hunger is back.

He pulls his pants just enough to free himself, and holy fuck, is he huge. Thick and uncut, a slight lean to the right, and your mouth fucking drools. “Good god, you’re fucking huge,” you laugh nervously, your face hotter than the depths of hell.

He pumps his length once, a smirk forming at your comment as he makes his way to you. He lets it rest against your drenched folds, advancings his hips softly. His tip catches at your clit, your heart skipping a beat at the sensation. “Yeah?” Dr. Miller asks. “You nervous, angel?”

You look away from him, bashful at the question. “A little,” you admit.

His hand reaches for your face, his thumb and pointer finger grabbing on your chin to make you look at him. “It’ll fit, angel,” he reassures.

“You sure?”

“We’ll make it fit,” he tells you.

Withdrawing himself all the way back, he guides his tip to your entrance, settling his fingers to your clit, pulling more wetness from you to make this as easy as possible.

Steadily, Dr. Miller begins to push in, and right away, the stretch stings, a pained groan falls from your lips. He stops, his hands on your cheeks immediately.

“You okay?” he grunts, trying his best to stay composed at how tight you are with him barely inside you.

You open your mouth to answer, but something else — someone else beats you.

“Dr. Miller,” a nurse talks through the door, two knocks preceding their words. “Everything okay in there? Your next appointment just arrived.”

Calm and collected, like the head of his cock is not inside of you right now, he responds. “Just finishin’ up,” he calls out. “Gimme a minute.”

Both of you remain completely still, waiting to hear the footsteps walk away. After a beat, both of you release a heavy breath neither of you realize were holding.

Dr. Miller looks at you apologetically, both of you wincing as he pulls out of you. He pulls his pants back up in an awkwardly charged silence, tucking his shirt back in before he picks up your sweats off the ground and helps you back into them.

Without another word, he starts for the door.

“Dr. Miller…” you trail off, nervous.

He freezes, turning his body to you, but not meeting your face. He knows if he looks into those eyes, no one will be able to pull him from this room. “I’ve gotta get to my next patient, darlin’,” he tells you. “I’m sorry.”

The door clicks, and you’re all alone, the tears threatening to fall at the whiplash of emotional highs. You hear another soft knock, so you wipe your eyes away, your wishful thinking hoping that you don’t look as wrecked as you feel.

The nurse who took the intake questions opens the door. “You’re all set,” he says with a smile.

“Thank you,” you say as you gather your things.

Before you can reach the exit, a woman calls out for you. “Oh, wait up! Did Dr. Miller say when he wants to see you next?”

“Oh, um…” you pretend to recall. You two were a little too occupied with other things to get to that part of the appointment.

“No, he didn’t- I don’t think- I, um, I can’t remember,” you stammer, the flow of your beating heart roaring in your ears.

“That’s no worries at all, honey. You’re good to go, then, I’ll talk with Dr. Miller, and we’ll get scheduling to call you back, okay? Have a wonderful rest of your evening,” she tells you.

As soon as you get home, you plop into your bed, eyes stinging, pussy pulsing and wet, your heart full of every emotion under the sun.

You’re unsure of what to do or how to feel now, but one thing is for sure.

You need to see him again.

“Dr. Miller,” his nurse calls.

“Yeah, Dee, what’s up?”

“Your 4 o’ clock-” Dee repeats your name from the patient chart she’s looking at. “When did you wanna see her again?”

“Oh, uh-”

She speaks once more, her eyes fixed on the paperwork before her. “Her problems sound like a chiro’s issue, don’t they? Why don’t I just send a referral-”

“No,” he cuts off, a little too much power to his voice. He clears his throat. “Sorry- uh, I mean- no as in, I’ll treat her. She mentioned somethin’ else that seems more complex for one of them chiros, no offense to them. I just wanna check one more thing before I can diagnose and create a plan,” he explains.

“Okay,” she says without rebuttal. “When should we schedule her?”

“As soon as possible.”

NEXT ->

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hello-from-my-life · 4 months

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1/8

today has been a Day. cw? idk if anyone reads these but I went to a gyn appt today so maybe don't read if that's triggering? anyways

uh woke up early, got ready and left with M to drop A off, then went to gynecologist and met mom. appt was fine, it was my first so I was a lil nervous. then I went to school with M and hung around while she went to class, picked up an embroidery kit from the event they had and then studied in the library for a bit. picked up drinks to celebrate A's first day back and then went home. played in the snow with M, A, and the dog (sledding), then had dinner and took A to basketball practice. called C and talked about life and her Covid and the care package I sent and that was my day

oh and my boss said I could keep my job even though my cert expires and then do the recertification in the summer :D

#Msister #Asister #Mom #Dog #Cgirlfriend

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theglitchywriterboi · 9 months

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BEGGING people to stop the "Men shouldn't be gynecologists" discourse. It's so dumb & ignorant.

-Some trans people [men/mascs] may feel more affirmed/less dysphoric having a guy examine them [this isn't the case for all ofc, but still]

-Some people may have been SA'd/raped by a woman & want a guy to examine them because a woman doing it could be triggering

-similar to the last point, some people may have been medically [or sexually/physically] abused by a woman doctor & may feel safer w/ a guy

-Some people just may have trauma around women & don't want them examining them/touching them

-Some people may have felt their experience w/ women doctors was dismissive & may feel more listened to by guys [To be clear, this isn't to say women don't listen or men listen more. But some people do get the bad draw]

Etc etc

I totally get not wanting a dude doing it for you !!! But for some people they DO feel safer w/ a guy. Just because you can't relate or understand that doesn't mean it's weird/doesn't happen.

Also yes, why some men do do this job w/ ill intent, it's not always some sort of weird fetish thing ??? Like that's such a weird thing to think & yes again ik for some it IS that, but to assume ALL men got into the career just for sexual reasons is very odd & gross imo...

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cakesexuality · 1 year

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Okay, so, healthcare update!!

Isn't entirely "estrogen is slapping" material but I'm using that tag anyway!!

I gave an update 2 days ago (Monday) for 8 months Lupron, 1 month add-back where I said the receptionist was gonna get back to me about who my anesthesiologist was

I called again yesterday (Tuesday) and found out I hadn't been referred to any specific anesthesiologist but rather to the pool of anesthesia doctors at the hospital and the hospital would pick a doctor for me rather than getting one my gynecologist had in mind (which, I've had this experience with psychiatrists before where I get referred to the department as a whole and the hospital assigns a doctor to me, as opposed to my GP writing a referral for one specific psychiatrist, so it made sense)

I got the call today (Wednesday) from the pre-admission clinic saying that they have a spot for me to do my anesthesia consult!! I'm going to the hospital in a couple weeks for the consult and hopefully they deem it safe for me to have a laparoscopy!!

I talked to my dietitian today about my ED and as well as about my Lupron

She's going to reach out to the first ED program I was referred to bc she's confused as to why they said the things they said (like weeding out the foods that make me sick before I'm allowed to start treatment) and she's concerned about them acting like I'm a one-off unusual case bc she says she has multiple other clients who have eating issues that come from the same place that mine do (looking for control in relation to a chronic illness), plus I signed a consent form for the hospital to contact my dietitian (who asked me to let the hospital know she wanted to be in contact with them when she found out I was referred back in February) and she never heard from them

Since I didn't start add-back until 7 months on Lupron and you're not supposed to be on Lupron longer than 6 months without add-back, we talked a bit about my bone density and I'm already taking a vitamin D supplement, so she wants me to spend a bit of time tracking how much calcium I eat in a span of about 3 days in order to decide if I need a calcium supplement too, and she said that if doing the math myself is too triggering then I can just take pictures of the nutrition facts to email to her instead

Literally one of the goals she assigned me is to order delivery!! She was happy to hear about a couple months ago when I kept getting overwhelmed with options while ordering food online one evening but pushed through and got myself a lil pizza treat and I was proud of myself for doing that, so she wants me to try that again and to challenge myself like that more often

Another goal she gave me is to have frozen meals in the freezer to help cut down on decision-making for times where I can't push through the overwhelm I might feel around having to create a meal

I also got a call this week from a 2nd ED program who had an assessment appointment for me for June, but then the receptionist realised I'm not able to get to their clinic in-person, so she's going to double-check with the intake worker to make sure there weren't mistakes about who they serve and to find out if I can do it either from home or from an OTN room in town here

ALSO today, I got a call from the hospital where I had a psych appointment go wrong a couple weeks ago where I spoke to the patient relations person as well as the head of Mental Health

The head of Mental Health tried to say that the doctor didn't want to give me a depot bc I have MDD and they're for people who have a hard time staying on oral meds but like... I have more than MDD, we don't know what exactly but clearly something else is there if I'm having psychosis outside of depressive episodes... and yes I am taking my oral meds but it's a fucking STRUGGLE to do so on too many nights (like, taking until as late as 2:30am sometimes to be able to convince myself and then my sleep schedule is all off from delaying my Seroquel for so long) and it just so happens that my AP is usually the most difficult one to get myself to take

And then I asked what the psychiatrist's receptionist meant about telling my diagnosis to a drug manufacturer and the head of Mental Health said that that's not a thing and there would be no reason to disclose that to a manufacturer and that the receptionist was making stuff up

I'm gonna be talking to my CMHA worker tomorrow and we're gonna work together on a letter describing my psychotic symptoms to give to my doctors to help them understand what I'm going through bc of the fact that my psychosis doesn't fit the way other people are telling me it is (like whether it's exclusive to my depressive episodes or how long each psychotic episode lasts) and I feel like I didn't explain it very well to my GP when I saw her last week bc I wasn't prepared to have that conversation and there were a lot of symptoms I couldn't immediately think of off the top of my head

#the estrogen is slapping right now #eating disorders /

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