The skinny twinky pre-T trans guy to fat hairy trans bear pipeline is honestly so cool and sexy

I see a lot of people saying that gender-affirming health care like top surgery for trans people like myself should be freely available (which is correct), but one of the reasons they often give is that top surgery is very safe and has a very low rate of complications compared to other surgeries. And I often see transphobes clutching their pearls over the few people who do have complications. What about them?! What if you're one of the unlucky ones?! Should we really let those transes risk it??!!!

Setting aside the fact that no one raises such concerns over other types of surgery, I'd like to use myself as an example for anyone who needs one.

In May of 2022 I had top surgery (double mastectomy). The surgery was done by a gynecological surgeon, not a plastic surgeon, because that way my insurance would cover it.

The surgeon did his job and removed the breast tissue, but he did not make it look pretty. I have dog-ears at both ends of both scars (extra bits of skin that hang off in a very unappealing fashion), my chest still looks unnaturally flat with no muscle or fat despite a lot of working out, and one of the stitches didn't heal properly and was left as an open wound through "secondary healing" for several months before it finally healed over into a very large scab (and eventually a very large scar). My nipples are uneven and irregular and look... well, just awful, really. Due to bad genetic luck, I wound up with keloid scars which, instead of getting smaller and lighter over time, have instead expanded, becoming thicker and darker. Worst of all, I now have chronic nerve pain in my chest. My GP thinks the surgeon must have hit a nerve during the procedure, and now I have random sharp pains all over my chest even now, nearly ten months later. The pain might improve with time, or it might not.

I basically had almost every possible complication one can have from this surgery short of infection or death. Some of the aesthetics might be fixable with more surgery (though plastic surgery will be expensive). Some are probably permanent. I might never feel comfortable taking my shirt off in public again. I might have to tattoo over the scars.

And pay attention to this next bit, because it's the most important part of this whole post: I do not regret the surgery. Even with all the complications and the ugly state of my chest and the pain. If someone said they could push a button and make it so that the surgery never happened and I'd have a perfect, unmarred chest with C-cup breasts again, I would tell them to take their button and fuck right off. Because even with basically the worst of all possible outcomes, that surgery was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I don't feel good about taking my shirt off in front of people now. I do think my chest is ugly. But it's a male chest now. When I put on a t-shirt, it rests flat against my chest. No one will ever mistake me for a woman again. I'll never have to wear a bra or binder ever again.

The dysphoria I felt from having breasts was so severe that a hideously scarred chest and chronic pain are vastly preferable. The euphoria I feel when I look in the mirror with a shirt on is something I never knew I was capable of feeling.

And it's my fucking body, and it's up to me what I do with it. If I wanted to tattoo myself from head to toe, or file my teeth into fangs, or have a doctor break my legs and surgically implant extensions to make me taller, that's my right because it's my body. The fact that all those things are regarded as basically acceptable (if a little weird), but I had to have a dehumanizing interview with an old cis psychiatrist who hates trans people and wants us all sterilized just to get a piece of paper giving me permission to have my tits removed, is fucking absurd.

Top surgery (of any kind) is generally very safe, and complications are rare. But even with the worst outcome, a trans person will basically never regret it.

And frankly, if a cis woman wants her tits cut off, or a cis man wants a pair of boobs to play with on his own chest, more power to them because literally who gives a fuck what people do to their own bodies? I saw a dude on TV when I was a kid who'd tattooed his whole body to look like a cat, filed his teeth into fangs, and had loads of plastic surgery to surgically implant whiskers and make his face look more feline. It was weird! But literally no one said that should be banned because he might regret it. It's his body to do whatever weird shit he wants with.

The next time someone clutches their pearls and kicks and screams about how you can't let someone permanently alter their body in a way they might regret, feel free to point to me and my complete and utter lack of regret.

(Or have a little fun with it, go hard in the other direction, and say you absolutely agree, which is why we should ban ALL non-emergency surgeries until the patient has been FULLY evaluated by three psychiatrists - along with tattoos and piercings. Oh, and ballet lessons for anyone under the age of 25, since ballet changes the structure of a child's body FOREVER.)

How do you respond to people who try to argue against various gender affirming surgeries with anorexic people wanting liposuction? I tried to point out that theres a lot of gender affirming surgeries for cis people who dont feel feminine/masculine enough, but my sister said that those people need therapy too. I feel that there's a difference between trans people and anorexic people but idk how to put it into words, im scared i accidentally made her more transphobic bc i didnt have arguments :(

Good question! It's important to question and critique our ideas of what separates "good, natural desires which should not be changed" from "bad, unnatural desires which should be changed," and I think sometimes trans people are too quick to reaffirm this binary in our attempts to defend transness.

I would say that the difference here is based in anxieties. Anorexia is born out of anxiety- which is to say, a persist concern over something that triggers strong emotional reactions and which you keep returning to over and over and over without resolution. Dysphoria can and does cause anxiety, but you can be dysphoric without having anxiety over it. You can have dysphoria, find relief, and be satisfied with your body, while there is never any satisfaction point with eating disorders. There is always a feeling of "not enough" because the desire to be skinnier is born out of anxiety over what it means to be fat & fatness' place in society (lesser value, moral weakness, medical abuse, etc.).

Like I said, dysphoria can and does cause anxiety. There are trans people who obsess over their bodies being too masculine/feminine because they are concerned with what it means for them to be too masculine/feminine: it means they aren't real, they are ugly, they're failure. And this is why its important for trans people to sit with our dysphoria and analyze it. If you are constantly worrying about your body being "real" enough, no amount of surgery or HRT will fix that (although it may fix many things).

Now, I am generally against any solution thats like "we should stop Those People from doing x because We know whats best for them!" because autonomy is a vital part of my beliefs, and I think that people rarely ever react well to being banned from doing something Because Mother Knows Best. The real goal with, say, EDs, is to get rid of the artificial desire for thinness by combating fatphobia (ah, if only all the anti-ED campaigns out there did this). The same with plastic surgery: I would much rather we focus on dismantling the system that makes people (esp. perceived women) feel they need to make their bodies fulfill the beauty standard, than saying that plastic surgery is Evil and we should stop anyone from ever getting it, because those little people aren't capable of using their basic right to bodily autonomy correctly. When we ban something, what we really want is to change people's desires. But that requires cultural change, and laws don't create cultural change out of thin air. Its like how yelling at your kids doesn't make them more honest or better people, it just makes them better liars.

Given that trans people exist in every society, potentially going back to the Stone Age, even after we unwork systemic misogyny & homophobia, trans people are still gonna want surgeries. So we should just work on combating those things instead of trying to control people's bodies.

starting to loathe the phrase ‘gender affirming surgery’ tbh like yes its a category, get why it exists… yadda yadda…. and yet it feels like setting up a dichotomy of ‘our pure intentioned god honoring surgery’ vs ‘their vile frivolous surgeries’ like there’s some sort of epidemic of surgery georgs that deserve to be shamed or shunned.

yeah it's a frustrating phenomenon i've noticed, where even people who consider themselves trans-positive will critique plastic / cosmetic surgery as being frivolous / self-loathing / socially regressive / anti-feminist and then they'll try to tack on some kind of caveat that exempts the 'approved' procedures done for 'gender affirmation'. in practice this is not an actionable distinction lol, and trying to restrict access to plastic surgery legally or through social shaming mechanisms is going to affect trans people and transition care no matter how you slice it. these kinds of claims also get particularly confused by the fact that there simply is no clean line between procedures sought out for transition and procedures sought out by cis people... eg, how are you going to sit there demonising buccal fat removal or rhinoplasty or lipo as only existing due to social pressure and being therefore abhorrent, without also threatening access to those procedures for True Transsexuals using them for Approved Gender Changes?

and anyway, more fundamentally what actual difference is there between, like, a cis man not feeling manly enough and getting hair plugs or whatever because of that, and a trans man seeking out lipo or top surgery or whatever else as part of his transition care? like what actual line exists here, when gender and gendered beauty standards affect us all, cis people no less than trans, and shape ideas about what the 'normal' and desirable body looks like? and i don't think 'gender-affirming surgery' is some morally pure category either, like what was i seeking out when i got top surgery besides a normative idea of a 'male chest' defined along lines of eurocentric, able-bodied standards just as are any other concepts of 'normal' gender embodiment...? i've said before, but: fundamentally you either think people should have the autonomy to change their own bodies through surgical means if they so choose, or you don't. this isn't something where you can pick and choose because there's no ontological difference between the procedures and justifications you like and the ones you don't lol.

"Eiden and Quincy were far from the only trans people in the clan, but they were the only ones who had felt the need to get this specific surgery". i think the entire clan can be trans. As a treat. yakumo was a snake, the way he portrays himself can be seen as a choice. edmond's family is extremely wealthy so he got bougie gender affirming care from an early age. olivine's decent with magic which he could use to change his appearance + there's potential for some neat religious imagery of being reborn a new and/or further religious guilt. altho from what we know abt the church of klein tbh i want to believe there's no religiously motivated transphobia in klein

ANYWAY

kuya has canonically been shown to use illusions to portray himself as other people and even as a woman. garu and karu are like yakumo too, they were a wolf but transformed. blade doesnt know what gender is, but he can swap out his dick for a pussy module if he wants to. dante got free top surgery and hrt from the fire spirits. rei makes unethical diy hrt in his meth lab. They can all be transgender.... (smokes a fat blunt)

THEY CAN ALL BE TRANSGENDER... YOU UNDERSTAND ME...

I generally stick to the idea that there's no transphobia in Klein, religiously motivated or otherwise, same way there's no homophobia. I think it's in line with the setting and it's also just plain wish fulfillment tbh. my personal Oli hc is that he's non op and on fantasy testosterone, big naturals and cute little tdick. I also really like him in relation to the following quote

“As my friend Julian puts it, only half winkingly: “God blessed me by making me transsexual for the same reason God made wheat but not bread and fruit but not wine, so that humanity might share in the act of creation.” ― Daniel Mallory Ortberg, Something That May Shock and Discredit You

which I think is less official doctrine and more how he personally approaches gender and faith. if I were angling for angst maybe the church isn't overtly transphobic but there's a little bit of "be grateful for the body god gave you"... but I also like plain uncomplicated trans joy. but headcanon doesn't have to be consistent so I can have both depending on the mood.

I'm a believer of Kuya's ability to have whatever bits he pleases at whatever time. pussy, cock, whatever, magic lets him do anything. "if magic is so good why does surgery exist" you may ask. because gender affirming surgery is cool and sexy. and most people aren't ancient yokai with access to powerful magicks. and Quincy refused to be in Kuya's debt. anyway, Kuya does whatever he wants because gender is meaningless to a magic fox.

Blade hc is that he was born a ken doll, had a dick made for him in Saia because the sexbot investor guy demanded it (see: Rusted Nation), and asked Rei to make him a pussy module because the vagina-havers of the clan looked like they were having so much fun and he got curious. so he swaps them in and out as he pleases, depending on what the mood is that day.

Rei making his own diy hrt is extremely true and real. he also has the most insane homemade straps.

Hi! What is the average recovery timeline for top surgery? One of my best friends is getting married a couple weeks after my surgery date (17 days to be exact) and I'm invited to the wedding! He's also had top surgery and said from his experience I should be okay after 2 weeks. I'll have to fly, but my partner will be with me just in case I can't lift my bags or anything. But any advice? I'll be flying out there pretty much 15 days after my surgery date. Thanks!!!

Lee says:

I had my top surgery when I was 18 and bounced back pretty quickly, but my younger age, lack of physical disabilities or chronic illnesses, and relatively good health (semi-athletic, non-smoker) made it easier for me to recover than many.

For context, I had inverted-T incision top surgery (double incision plus two extra incisions) and drains.

I was exploring the city I had my top surgery in within the first 2 weeks post-op and going to libraries, museums, candy factories, etc and taking public transportation for all of it.

You'll need to speak with your surgeon about what they expect your recovery timeline to be like as it can vary depending on your medical conditions, and whether you develop post-op complications (something that can't always be predicted when you're still pre-op).

That being said, if you are in good health and a young adult, it's likely that you would be able to go to a wedding 17 days post-op, especially because it's an event that's important to you (one of your best friends) and you'll have the support you need (a partner who can do all of the heavy luggage lifting). You'll probably be more tired than usual, but it's probably worth it to you to be present for the wedding.

This is what my top surgeon told me about post-top surgery general activity limitations:

5-7 days: may engage in ADL’s (“activities of daily living”; light housework, etc, provided not lifting more than 20-30 pounds)

7-10 days: may consider RTW (“return to work”, again with the above lifting limitations x 4-6 weeks)

2-4 weeks: may engage in light exercise/extra activity (dog-walking, etc)

4-6 weeks: may engage in moderate exercise (bicycle or treadmill, but no full exertion)

6+ weeks: full activity (including heavy lifting/jogging) generally OK

Generally, most people are back to their normal routine by 2-4 weeks. Overall, it generally takes 3 months for significant swelling to go down and 6-12 months for scars to mature/fade.

Whatever you decide to do regarding the wedding is ultimately up to you (after you have your surgeon's clearance to attend); it's valid if you don't feel comfortable going because you're concerned about being away from your surgeon and developing a possible complication.

But people do travel for gender-affirming surgeries, and it's pretty common to only stay in the area for ~2 weeks after top surgery before flying home, which is what I did.

So if you do not develop any major complications early on, it likely would be fine to leave the town that your surgeon is located in and take a flight to the wedding at ~2 weeks post-op.

Good luck with the surgery!

Followers, any additional advice or personal experiences to share with anon?

Followers say:

sequintial said: I was NOT ready to do anything like a wedding 2 weeks after top surgery. I had double incision and I'm fat, so I had a much larger area to heal, and one that interfered more with my mobility

bdw531 said: I basically slept all day for the first 1.5 weeks and couldn't even lift a glass of water to my face. Went back to work after 2 weeks. At 4 weeks, I hiked 75 miles of the PCT and at 6 weeks I was bouldering again. As with any surgery, everyone heals differently. I probably would have been up for attending a laid-back wedding ~17 days so long as I could sit and didn't dance.

happysadyoyo said: I was 29 when I had top surgery, and it took me about two weeks to stop sleeping so much. I was able to move around and do things, but especially when I had the drains in I pretty much did nothing but sleep and watch TV. The drains I feel are the most limiting factor. If you still have them, they're gonna be annoying, but even with them, so long as you're able to pace yourself (and at a wedding it should be fine) and there's no major complications, it should be fine.

I've talked briefly before about intersex Sayo, but... There's a lot you can read into regarding her relationship with her intersex status and with the perisex expectations she grows up with.

(This post reads Sayo using an intersex lens, as their experiences are analogous to real-life intersex people and can be seen as a metaphor for them, even if Sayo is never confirmed to have been born intersex.)

Sayo grows up with all sorts of expectations centered around the perisex 'AFAB' body: she will have a feminizing puberty, she will develop hips and feminine fat distribution, she will grow breasts, she will have periods, she will be capable of having children. But it goes beyond that - these are not only expectations Sayo has for herself, but expectations that society has for them, as well. People raised as girls are told that breasts and hips and fertility and vaginas will make them attractive to men, defines them as women, and makes them valuable - and thus the inverse is also the case: that without these things, they are not attractive to men, they are not women, and they are not valuable.

This equivalization of sex to gender means that Sayo, as they grow older and do not experience the perisex puberty promised to them, begins to feel unattractive, de-gendered, and worthless. This feeling only grows, and culminates in their self-definition as 'furniture', once they realize that they not only will never experience perisex puberty, but also will never be capable of reproducing. They say that "this body... isn't even capable of love" - "love" as is defined by the capacity to perform (heterosexual) sexual acts that can result in procreation. This can also indicate that Sayo wasn't physically capable of receiving vaginal penetrative sex. If Sayo was born perisex and AMAB (my personal preference), their vagina was surgically created. It may not be capable of pleasurable intercourse, or may not be able to fit a penis at all (or at least, without further procedures, such as dilation). If Sayo was born perisex and AFAB, their injuries and subsequent surgery may have resulted in a similar state for their vagina: one where vaginal penetration is painful or impossible.

(I personally believe Sayo to be AMAB, owing not only to the "man from 19 years ago" but also to Lion's status as the heir and more masculine-leaning presentation, something that would likely have been discouraged or looked down upon if Lion had been AFAB. I also lean towards it because of how AFAB Sayo/Lion has been used in the past to deny and discredit Sayo's trans identity and to enforce cishet norms onto Beatrice/Battler's and Will/Lion's relationships.)

Regardless of Sayo's assigned gender at birth, Sayo, both before and even moreso after the reveal of their past, felt unattractive, degendered, and desexed. In their attempts to claim identities that conformed to the allopericishet patriachy they grew up in, they lived their life as Shannon, Kanon, and Beatrice.

Shannon represents the ideal femininity: she has large breasts, she is submissive, and she is kind and emotionally mature. Beatrice's body, much like Shannon's is sexualized - blonde, blue eyes, large chest, all for the sake of feeling attractive - though she is allowed to express non-feminine behaviors so long as she is not made visible to anyone. Through Shannon and Beatrice, who are both imagined to be perisex ideals, the intersex Sayo is able to reclaim her sexuality, though fear of being sexless remains.

In EP2, Beatrice taunts Shannon with how animalistic the desires of men are - "the black-as-tar lust of that glasses man behind you", "men are flies and maggots that get caught in your scent and gather around you". I believe this is a combination of things: fear of sexual assault, as her mother and potentially grandmother were assaulted; shaming of her own sexuality and desire to be seen sexually; and an affirmation that she is, in fact, sexually desirable. Beatrice, in saying that Shannon is an object of sexual desire, no matter how negatively framed, is affirming that if Sayo presents as a cis perisex woman, she is able to become attractive. She is able to escape being the sexless, genderless 'thing' she feels that her intersex status makes her.

In contrast, Kanon, who is masculine, is not ideal: he does not have large muscles, he is not emotionally mature, and he is effeminate. He is a man, but he is also not one who would be valued in the patriarchal society due to his lack of 'proof' of manhood (in strength, in sexual conquest, in appearance, in partaking in toxic masculinity). He is the closest Sayo comes to acknowledging their status as intersex and gender non-conforming - as someone who does not neatly fit into the biological sex binary or the constructed cisgender binary. And he is the persona who does the "dirty work" that stained his soul long ago, the persona who takes no active action and instead denies Jessica's affection, the persona who does not present himself as a sexual being at all.

The most we have is when Kanon takes out his blade in front of Jessica in EP2: the innuendo there is that he is exposing his status as furniture - his (intersex) body, and (intersex) genitalia - to her. He is displayed as a heroic knight who protects Jessica, thus reinforcing his masculinity (men and the masculine as the protecting force for the frailer, feminine idols). Only in Sayo's fantasies can their intersex body "pass" and fit into the cissexual ideal.

So Sayo finds their sexuality in presenting as perisex: their 'true' intersex self, disabled and degendered and desexed, is hidden away and removed from the perfect Golden Land.

I believe many intersex people can resonate with Sayo's feelings: sometimes to be intersex is to be hypersexualized, to be seen as "having both". But to be intersex can also mean to be degendered, desexed, and othered. It can mean that you are not seen as, or do not feel like, someone capable of being an object of sexual or romantic desire. Our genitals and non-conforming sexual characteristics are "freak shows" that need to be "fixed" for us to be "normal" and to engage in heterosexual relationships, and those efforts to "fix" us may only increase those feelings of being degendered, desexed, and othered.

For me there is something that I deeply relate to in Sayo's perception of their (analogous to) intersex body, and in their attempts to present as perisex in order to "fix" what is "wrong". But in the end, even Kanon, the most unlovable, intersex persona of them all, is loved in the Golden Land.

i need medical professionals to understand that medical negligence kills.

i am in involved with my medical care- i have to attend therapy, see a psychatric medication manager, a primary care doctor, physical therapists, and a gender affirming care specialist. i am seen by a lot of doctors and have been in a lot of different medical settings. lately i have hit a rough patch where i cannot seem to have my situation taken seriously

my blood pressure has been so high, for months now, that i was within stroke and cardiac event territory several times. my doctors ping-ponged me between one another- i was prescribed blood pressure meds when i stayed in the psych ward in july. then my psych nurse refilled them, but told me my primary care doctor must be the one to refill them, because she doesn't know anything about bp meds. i asked my pcp, she told me "have your other doctor fill them out, then, since you had them filled over there before."

it took me months to get my life saving medications back. i cried in front of a receptionist at a later appointment where i was told the provider could not see me for our scheduled appointment time that day because "i hadn't filled out the paperwork". they never sent or told me about paperwork. they took my blood pressure after i explained my frustration and booked me for an emergency appointment with a pcp the next business day. but it took until i cried and my blood pressure was dangerously high from stress for someone to care.

i finally have it, now, but i am also fighting for my psychiatric medications as well. the psychiatric meds manager i mentioned above went on maternity leave and someone filled in for her. this doctor didn't know me. he asked me many questions, but never waited for my answers. he spoke over me, told me some of my diagnoses were wrong/misdiagnosed me, and took me off of several of my vital medications. he stopped my bipolar mood stabilizer because he said it didn't help with bipolar mania- he never asked if i was needing help with mania, depression, or mixed episodes. he just assumed.

he also stopped my seroquel- i am a schizoaffective person- because he didn't like the dose i was at, but because i am fat, he said i needed to be on the antipsychotic that was the least likely to put weight on me. he put me back on risperidone. i had been on it in the past. it caused me severe depression. he didn't ask what it did to me. he just put me back on it without question. i haven't touched those damn pills since i got them from the pharmacy. i am already severely depressed as is, i can't even fathom.

while i was discussing a personal event that happened in my life that affected me, my therapist earlier today asked me "why are you letting something so insignificant have power over you? why would something like that make you suicidal? why are you letting this person have power over you" i had finally lost my patience with her, and i snapped, and told her why i was justified in feeling so unwell. i gave her the context of my situation, and didn't back down. i'm firing her next session. later on, my case worker informed me that's victim blaming, and that it was not okay for her to minimize my issues or make me feel like i in some way made my feelings happen of my own free will. i felt so incensed i had to do something about it.

i can't really sleep at night right now. i can't focus, my energy levels are all over and my depression is ruling my life. im struggling with invasive thoughts and horrible painful suicidal lows. i need people to understand that this type of medical negligence can kill. any of this could've killed me at any point. this is not acceptable. this is what american mentally ill people in care deal with. please understand that this is not how anyone should have to live.

So for like the past 5 years I've been thinking I want to transition to being a woman which was didn't make any sense because I'm a cis woman and I just very confused. I'm still very confused but I got diagnosed with PCOS last week and Tumblr has informed me that I'm welcome under the intersex umbrella if I wanna be there and things make infinity more sense. Maybe this shouldn't be a public ask and you don't have to answer and I know your experience was bad but you said they forced you to take feminizing hormon treatments that your body couldn't handle. I don't even know what I'm asking. Could I be a woman? Do I want to be? I think I do but also would I loose parts of myself that I like? Or maybe I can't and I should just get over it and embrace androgyny.

I can't tell you what to do, but I *can* tell you to trust yourself. My biggest issue with how my PCOS was handled was that I didn't feel like I had autonomy/like it was really explained to me well, which was not unique to the provider I was seeing ... personally, I wish PCOS was broadly recognized as an intersex variation and that people with PCOS were told upfront that they can take feminizing hormones OR masculinizing hormones (or nothing!), but unfortunately that would require a whole lot of people to recognize and be okay with the fact that sex is far less binary than they want to believe.

Feminizing hormones were the only option I was presented with and my masculine traits were demonized/treated as something to fix; I was also told that my PCOS was making me fat and depressed and that birth control would help fix it (which I could say...a lot about). As a 17-year-old with a lot of internalized fatphobia, untreated OCD, and gender dysphoria that I didn't yet understand was gender dysphoria, that sounded like a solution, so I tried it. Birth control really never worked for me; a lot of it made it worse ... the only thing that ever worked was when I went to an LGBTQ clinic and they prescribed me progesterone at a dose higher than what you get in traditional birth control, with no estrogen, as a way to completely stop my cycle. My body seems to like progesterone and testosterone and just absolutely hate estrogen. Don't know why.

Obviously that's just my experience and there are tons of people with PCOS with wildly different experiences. I have grief about the way I was treated as a teen because of medical trauma and the lack of information I was given (which again, is just...common practice, unfortunately); I also have a lot of painful feelings about the fact that I was so quickly put on feminizing hormones as a teen before realizing I was transmasc (while dealing with really intense gender dysphoria that I didn't yet know was gender dysphoria), and in my state, it's currently illegal for trans minors to be given gender affirming treatment. It all just feels hypocritical and unfair to me. But most of that is all very specific to my circumstances and feelings.

So again, I can't tell you what's right for you, but I think your feelings are very valid and make sense. You don't have to rush to figure it out and I would encourage you to talk to more intersex people and spend more time exploring your options before you decide anything. There's really no right or wrong answer; it's just what feels best to you.

I'm perfectly aware that I'm talking about a community theater play & I'm a dork, but can I just say that if it weren't for Aziraphale I would never have been cast as my literal dream role?

First, I feel like I should say that in the DMV, community theater seems weirdly professional and competitive. We have a really strong pool of companies that put on such good shows. So being a fat AFAB person, who is too poor to afford actual tap dance lessons and voice coaches, I assumed that I would never fit in here.

But I did! And I did some theater but I was finding it hard to... fit into any of the female roles available to me. And I figured they'd never cast me as a guy because why put a 5'3 person with a giant rack in a role when you have a traditionally attractive man? Who is probably tall?

And when I came out as nonbinary, they were all really supportive of me and I began to be asked to be a guy in like, pub scenes and servant scenes. Little guy moments. Then, one of my friends was like, do you want to cosplay as Aziraphale to my Crowley? And I was so nervous that first time, so uncomfortable, until about halfway through the photo shoot I realized- In the books Aziraphale is fat. It's okay if I have a double chin, or a belly, because I'm Aziraphale right now. This weird moment of 'It's okay to be ugly if you're doing something else well- like being funny or being passionate or being in character' kind of washed over me. It changed the way I audition for things. The pressure to be 'pretty' just went away.

Kind of.

I wasn't going to audition for Watson because I truly didn't think I'd get it. And then, in that room of cis male actors who were heckling me for my knowledge of fandom, I was scared. But I went in knowing John Watson in and out, knowing how to be a guy, and there was a moment that I was like, "I'm fat. I have tits. I'm short." But I remembered it didn't matter. Because I'd been a believable Aziraphale, and six dozen believable servant roles, and I was a believable Watson. No one knew Watson like I did.

And the director noticed. I didn't believe her when I got the email that I'd been cast. I thought it couldn't possibly be true. But it was, and I'm having the best time, and I'm in the most gender affirming costume I've ever been in and I'm playing on my favorite stage.

I used to be an acting major in college but I dropped out because... well, a lot of people told me I'd never go anywhere with it and never make any money. But back then, in the early 00's, I told my now-Ex that my dream role was to play John Watson. And he laughed.

And now I'm playing John Watson.

Anti-Trans Protests Across Canada + Counter Protests

This Wednesday, September 20th a shitload of bigots take to the streets across Canada to protest... *checks notes* yeah, something that isn't happening.

"Trans people want to turn your kids trans" "Trans people are FORCING kids to be trans" "Trans people are molesting kids" "Kids are getting gender affirming care" I- no. Literally none of that is happening. Conservatives honestly astonish me with their ability to get so incredibly pissed at their own ridiculous fiction. Pathetic to see they're protesting against nonsense that they literally made up lmao.

On the bright side, there are also plenty of counter protests lined up throughout every province and Yukon. If you want to attend one and feel safe doing so, here is an Instagram page with more details.

"1 million march 4 children" is the name these transphobic idiots are going by. Whether you plan on attending a counter-protest or not, make sure you stay safe this Wednesday.

Last but not least, stay strong. I know things look bleak, there's been a lot of anti-trans bullshit out there lately, but there are so many trans people and allies who will not give up in their fight against it. I can't say I've done much to consider myself among those fighters, but something I know I can and will do is spread awareness like this.

You are loved, and you are valid. You deserve respect, and you deserve rights. You are just as human as anybody else, and anyone who tries to make you believe otherwise can go suck a fat one.

Trans rights are human rights <3

As a leftist, my core political assumption is that we are all responsible for each other’s material well-being, that we have a duty to build the kind of society where everyone’s basic needs are met, where everyone enjoys a certain degree of material comfort, and where our rights are respected equally regardless of race, religious, sexual and gender identity, ethnicity, or creed. That is the kind of mutual caring that I signed up for when I became politically conscious as a teenager. I never signed up for a vision of a society that helps everyone out there to constantly feel valid, mostly because society could never achieve such a thing. Nobody walks around feeling good about themselves all the time! Where on earth did people get the idea that human beings are meant to enjoy a permanent sense of mental security and social validity? That’s a totally unworkable and in fact quite cruel standard. If you want to be good to yourself, I suggest that you stop expecting society to be your therapist and go see licensed medical professionals in private to address the issues in your life that are appropriately treated that way. And if you want to be good to your society, I suggest you help to defeat the medicalization of everything, the casualization of the concept of trauma, the celebration of mental disorders, the assumption that everything that makes us unhappy is an injustice, the insistence that all conflict is abuse, and the infantilization of the human animal. That’s the best way to help. I would never respond to someone telling me that they’re in pain by saying that I don’t care. In fact I’ve spent hours talking complete strangers through mental health crises. But if you care for people you try to walk them towards self-reliance, dignity, and toughness. Not from a lack of compassion, but precisely out of compassion. What compassion calls for is not pop therapy or affirmation but the extension of adult respect, helping people to endure a tragic earth. What’s required in the days ahead is for all of us to be a little harder on ourselves while we fight like hell for a world with less poverty, racism, injustice, sexism, and inequality. And we have to unwind a lot of bad habits of mind that have become inescapable before they hurt more people than they already have. Yeah, sometimes you have imposter syndrome. And sometimes you feel like an imposter because you actually do suck at what you’re trying to do. Sometimes she’s not a narcissist, she just doesn’t love you the way you want her to, and she never will. Sometimes you don’t have ADHD, you just hate your job. Sometimes your boss isn’t a sociopath, he’s just correctly identified you as unqualified for a leadership position. Sometimes you really do have schizophrenia, only there’s nothing glamorous or exciting or romantic about it, and now you’re fat from meds and trying to hold down a steady job and going to support group to drink grainy coffee and hear people tell the same stories over and over again. And sometimes you’re just in pain because the world didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to, and you’re trying to scratch out a life you can live with, and you get overwhelmed with your mundane unhappiness on the subway home from work, and you think to yourself that it must be true that your suffering is something grander, something that calls out for medical attention and reasonable accommodation, something more that makes it easier. But it isn’t and it doesn’t and there isn't and you're just another good, deserving human being filled with the pain of being alive. I’m sorry. I am genuinely so sorry. You wanted things, and you didn't get them, and it hurts. You wanted to be something else, and you're what you are, and it hurts. You thought life would be more than it is, and it isn't, and it hurts. Me too. All of it hurts. So let it hurt.

Prologue to an Anti-Therapeutic, Anti-Affirmation Movement

Parasitogender/Parasitegender

Parasitogender, or Parasitegender: A xenogender that is described more like gender affirming against cisnormativity than a gender metaphor, like classic xenogenders. Is based off of a scientifical fact that recognizes that the pregnant body doesn't primarily sees the fetus as a baby or as something good, but as a parasite, it being the reason why so many couples have difficulties and struggle while getting a baby or why miscarriages are pretty common (noting that is also the reason why miscarriages are also called “spontaneous abortion”).

This xenogender can also be described with a form of resistance against patriarchy and it's cisnormativity, by finally accepting the duty/mission of destroying it completely; by being a threat, a menace or a parasite to the system and it's structure.

Okay, so, do y'all remember that one post where I said I was thinking about creating a xenogender, but I was unsure about it because it was not like the classic xenogenders? If you're seeing this now, it's because I finally got courage to post it adagrhdjtvsjrv XP

But, anyway, what is this xenogender in specific? Well, it's pretty complicated, but like in the first description is a identity reaffirming xenogender and/or a anti patriarchy and anti cisnormativity xenogender.

“Angel, how did you got this idea?” The first moment I heard the fact that we are basically parasites on our mother's (or father's/parent's, if you were generated in a non girly uterus) body, I instantly created an inside joke of mine:

“Well, if it's like this, than I'm nobody is biologically a man nor a woman, were biologically parasites, lmao”

And this tiny inside joke turned into something more: Like something that could be totally used against transphobes, in a way of mockery or pirraça (in english: tantrum in a annoying manner). I mean that could be perfect.

And getting this together with the fact that society doesn't even see us as humans, but as some kind of mental illness or a verminosis, we could be easily use this label and be like:

“You know what? Yeah, I am a mental illness. And my first symptom is burning your fat ass bigotry in hell. Say goodbye, bitch. *Insert gunshots.*"

And, stopping to think, it makes sense for this to be a completely valid xenogender, even if it's not a gender metaphor. Because it kind of shows that transphobes are actually pretty stupid and only use biology when it's convenient for them and for this oppressive system. So, what is better than being a parasite with the objective of ruining this hierarchy to make the world a better place for everyone?

happy ummm 8th month on t? (9th if i were actually on t continuously but i ran out for a month that one time) i used to do monthly t updates on tiktok but i dont rlly feel like doing that rn so i'll yap about it here (its actually wild how little stuff i have about my transition on my tumblr generally speaking? as if this isnt the website that transed my gender in the first place)

it really is hard to notice such gradual changes from month to month, especially if its just me lookin at myself, compared to seeing a doctor in person which, i am getting rx'd T thru telehealth currently as my nearest planned parenthood or even a neighboring one does not actually do gender affirming care which is. insane and whack. esp when i do live in a pretty populated county maybe second or third to nyc and albany area. and i have to call in to a pp THREE HOURS BY TRANSIT from me. but like, its been working for now ok!

mentally and emotionally ive been very up and down overall but i think thats largely due to my medication changes rather than hormones. ALTHOUGH. when i ran out for a month in november and my period came back... dude it was so horrible like genuinely the worst period of my life. its one of those things where i didnt realize just how dysphoric something could make me feel until i had a taste of being able to alleviate said dysphoria. so mentally speaking testosterone is probably pulling the mental train even more than the wellbutrin lol. and im trying not to account too much for circumstance/environment cuz like OBVIOUSLY if things were going smoothly for me there a lot of my emotional issues would be at least somewhat relieved, but im working with what i got.

physically, since starting t in july i have lost weight. at first i was very scared it was my medication, and i think a part of it was at least a little, like two of my meds can cause some weight loss, but i am no longer losing weight in a concerning way but just yknow the regular amount of daily fluctuation. so i do think a lot of my weight loss was due to hormones just shifting around my fat and all that, or something idk lol. everyones so diff with hormones, i know some trans guys gain weight on t and not necessarily from muscle training, i know girls on e who have lost weight without any changes to diet or exercise, it really depends so as always, this is just my experience etc etc

i do have more facial hair but its still quite patchy, i think i might start filling in my stache tho. with my shitty goatee, its not my fav so i shave it off when im not just sitting inside all day, but also idk it makes my chin feel less. round. or smth. i do always think of my one friend telling me ill look like the lead singer of a nü metal band and honestly maybe i should start giving that energy more anyway! embrace goatee lifestyle!

oh yeah my voice dropped in like the first two months and has gotten deeper since, and on timtom i talked a lot about wanting to maintain the vocal range i had pre-t? i dont think thats fully possible like i think the highest notes i used to reach are just inaccessible to me, but i think if i did some like vocal singing warmups i can get back up to reach those higher notes. in retrospect the way ive sung my whole life has actually prob been destructive on my voice, partly from lack of proper training and partly intentionally trying to sound deeper and more gravelly, but now that i can access deeper sounds more naturally i really do wanna work on singing in a better way where i can reach some of those notes.

overall yea im liking whats happening so far, i do wish it was happening faster but i understand that some people dont get the progress ive gotten for like, YEARS, and new progressions will be happening to me for years after today. if you think about "real" puberty, it is a gradual shift its not like you suddenly grow a chest as soon as you Bleed or whatever its different for literally every person and since im the only one in my family that i know of who has done this, im kind of a guinea pig. but like im okay with that! anyway yeah really recommrnd testosterone if u want it i like it :)

any tips on how to be a more confident trans man :,)? I’m over here with tits and ass and curves for days and I don’t know if I like it or not 😞

Like sometimes it’s there and I’m like ‘omg I could have a big strong dom grip and grope by curves and extra fat and it’d feel so good’

and then sometimes I’m like ‘why the fuck do I look so fem I don’t like it take it all awayyyyyy’

anyways hoping this doesn’t make you uncomfortable :,)

have a nice day / night 🧡

Well, I don’t know if I can offer any particularly helpful tips — but I’ll share my thoughts and maybe they’ll be a useful starting point at the very least.

I am well into my transition at this point, 5 years on t. I am fairly relaxed and confident in myself at this point. I was not always like this. I used to have crippling dysphoria and thought I’d want every gender affirming surgery there was — now I’m content just being on t and having a hysterectomy.

I think the best advice I think I can give you is take control of what makes you feel comfortable in your body and gender. Gender affirming care if it’s an option and you want it. Wear clothes that you enjoy, style be damned. Mess around with your hair. Sculpt yourself into what you want to be, instead of modifying how you think other people are perceiving you. It takes a while. Dysphoria might never fully go away. That’s ok. I’ll dress hypermasc and pack on dysphoria heavy days. I choose to do that cause I love the performance of it all. Cause I like it, not cause I feel the need to pass. On days where I’m not dysphoric, I might wear a dress to the club. I aint trying to stay in one box my whole life. I do what makes me feel good. I know who I am, and I’ll express that however I want.

Remember that cis men also come in every shape and size. I get misgendered because of my long hair occasionally — thats okay. Cis men with long hair do too. Like, yeah, it sucks, but if I can laugh it off, that’s good enough for me. And anyway. There’s lots of handsome as fuck curvy guys. Masculine and feminine, hairy and smooth, soft and muscular. Trans and Cis. There’s absolutely no reason you aren’t one of em.

Discard only what no longer serves you. If you enjoy it only upon occasion — make something else you enjoy more in the moment the spotlight. Hips feelin too curvy today? Well maybe you also got broad shoulders that would look fuckin’ great in a thick leather jacket.

It takes time. To build confidence and make your body one you feel at home in. To know yourself well enough. You will get there. I know you will.

Transition Update #61

Wow! Hi!! I'm back. I haven't done one of these in a few years, but largely that's been because the longer you transition, the less you're transitioning so much as just, living your life as your gender.

I've gained a bunch of new followers since I was regularly posting transition updates, so here are the basics to get everyone up to speed:

I've been on T since August 2016 (about 6 years) and I had top surgery in July 2017 (about 5 years ago). I also have a page on my blog that will route you to everything transition related I've posted, and I'm always happy to answer questions to the best of my ability.

Like with most of my other transition updates this is for my followers only. I'm going to make this post unrebloggable and put any personal info under cut, so please respect that.

Ok!! So what's the headline? I'm getting more surgeries. I have a hysto scheduled for next month. I've been doing this process since August but held off posting because I wanted to aggregate everything at the end. Hopefully this will help clear up some misconceptions about transmasculine surgeries and transition, since I definitely had a bunch before I started. I'm not a doctor. Please get medical advice from your doctors.

So! First big news is that I'm getting a hysterectomy. This is something I've wanted for a while that I put off getting for a few reasons. I was concerned about safety during peak COVID, I was concerned about the possibility of not having natural estrogen production, and, as always, I had that little bit of what if I'm not really trans? fear that most trans people have when they make a big decision. But this past summer, abortion rights were overturned in the United States, and my menstrual cycle came back for the first time in 5 years. These two things were very distressing for me; it was the worst dysphoria I've felt in years. That was ultimately the catalyst for me finally going ahead with my hysto.

I'm doing this as part of a larger process for potentially having bottom surgery. It's taken me a long time to admit that I want bottom surgery because of how much fearmongering and misinfo there is about transmasculine bottom surgery, but my care team has already done some great work dispelling certain myths for me. Ultimately, I may decide to only get the hysterectomy. It depends on a few outstanding variables I'm going to go over in my bottom surgery consultation, which is also next month. I'm not going to get into those details here; that's for another post once I make that choice.

Because I like these posts to be resources as well as journals, here's the timeline I've completed so far regarding my surgical process. I live in New York City and am having surgery locally, so please bear that in mind. I'm not going to name any doctors, surgeons, or surgery centers publicly, because of the increased danger around trans surgery centers and for my own privacy. If you live in the area or are considering pursuing gender affirming surgery in NYC, please message me privately and I can give you more details.

Timeline:

08/2022 - I met with a social worker to go over the entire surgical process, to ensure two things. First, that what I was expecting from surgery was in line with the actual surgical results, and second, that I had an adequate support team during surgery recovery. If I lacked that local support, the surgical center would've set me up in a post-surgery rehab center to make sure I got adequate post-op care.

09/2022 - I had two evals from the surgery center: one physical health, and one mental health. The physical eval was to make sure that my body was healthy enough to survive surgery. They took some blood and went over my medical history. Unfortunately, I don't have any additional insight about what limitations would be placed on fat or disabled patients. I'm not skinny, but I'm straight sized and my weight was never brought up as an issue during eval. The mental health eval was again, to make sure that what I wanted out of surgery was in line with the results. The psychiatrist assured me that this wasn't to "prove" my transness, but to get the info they needed so they could write me a mental health letter of support. This is because my health insurance needs that kind of documentation in order to cover the procedures. We're still waiting on insurance approvals, but they needed a letter from both a physical and mental health provider, for both the hysto and the bottom surgery (4 total).

11/2022 - I had my hysto consult. This is a different surgeon than the surgeon who will potentially be doing bottom surgery. We went over my wants from surgery, how much time I could take off work, what the general timeline would be for recovery, etc. I decided to do my surgery in 3 phases: hysto first, then two subsequent bottom surgeries. While the hysto and phase 1 could be combined, since I can take medical leave next month, it was ultimately the safer choice to spread them out. The surgeon also set me up with an appt with a fertility clinic, since I had questions about my potential fertility. I went to the clinic later in November.

12/2022 - Date scheduled for early January 2023.

Myths:

There were a few myths dispelled for me throughout this process that I want to share:

Myth #1: You have to remove your ovaries if you're getting a hysto with the intent to have bottom surgery. This is not true! If your ovaries are causing you dysphoria and you're younger than middle age, you do not necessarily need to remove them. My surgeon actually encouraged me to keep my ovaries, since their existence doesn't actively cause me dysphoria. Her suggestion was for two reasons:

If for some reason I lost access to my T, my ovaries could kick in as a natural source of hormone production, albeit the wrong hormone.

If I ever wanted to have bio kids in the future (via a surrogate), I could keep my ovaries as egg banks and harvest the eggs for later use.

I was under the impression that it was a significant cancer risk to leave your ovaries in post-hysto. This is apparently not true. If your family doesn't have a history of breast or ovarian cancer, the cancer risk won't likely present until middle age. You can also check your ovaries via external ultrasound even after you have bottom surgery. My surgeon suggested that, if I wasn't sure if I wanted to remove my ovaries, that I should leave them in and take them out in 10-20 years, when I was past the age where I could harvest eggs, and the only things my ovaries could do at that point were to turn cancerous. You can also do an oophorectomy (ovary removal) post bottom surgery! The surgeon is laparoscopic, meaning it's done via your belly button. It will not affect your bottom surgery results.

Ultimately, I decided to remove my uterus, cervix, and tubes, but keep my ovaries for now.

Myth 2: Testosterone increases your risk of ovarian cancer. This is also false! Like my surgeon said, if you have no family history of ovarian or breast cancer, this is (generally) not a concern until middle age. T places your eggs in "stasis" (see below) which makes it difficult for them to grow tumors.

Myth #3: Having a hysto means that you're dependent on your T for the rest of your life. If you keep your ovaries, you will have natural "backup" estrogen production. Even if you remove your ovaries (either during the hysto or later in life), and then lose access to your T, you won't die. This was something I was convinced of. Apparently, you'll basically just go through menopause, though some of the effects of T will revert.

Myth #4: Testosterone renders you infertile. This is not necessarily true. While testosterone does atrophy your ovaries, the doctors told me it's more accurate to say your ovaries are in "stasis" and could restart if you stopped taking T. This does not mean you could carry a baby to term. T is toxic to fetuses, and even if you are fertile and become pregnant, the fetus will not survive if you're taking your T.

When I went to the fertility clinic, they did an external ultrasound and took some blood, and determined that I am still fertile, and I could harvest my eggs if I wanted to use them down the line. I ultimately decided to keep my ovaries and wait on this, because the process will not be covered by insurance and is presently too expensive for me.

My meeting with the fertility clinic was very insightful, but ultimately every person is different. A few things I learned that may or may not be applicable for others:

while we don't really have data about how T affects long term egg viability, there is evidence of successful egg retrieval for guys that have been on T as long as 10 years

while it's easier to get viable eggs if you go off your T during the process (about two months) you don't necessarily have to (this varies person to person)

while it's easier to retrieve eggs pre-bottom surgery and/or if you still have your original opening, it is also possible to retrieve eggs abdominally if you no longer have that opening

if you've already had a hysto and you go off your T to do egg retrieval, you will not have a menstrual cycle because you no longer have a uterus

Ultimately, I'm really grateful to be supported throughout this process by amazing friends, family, and a smart, kind surgical team. I hope this post is informational! I'm happy to answer any additional questions.

Most importantly, I'm so excited to get this procedure!! My menstrual cycle was my #1 source of dysphoria, and even before I was trans I knew I was never going to be pregnant. That concept alone really upsets me. While it may seem odd to others that a hysto can be gender affirming, it's really, really is for me. I've felt so long like I'm carrying around these organs that I not only don't need, but feel like time bombs in my body. The idea that I could get pregnant despite my best efforts to avoid it made me incredibly anxious and dysphoric. Soon, that will never be a concern again, and I'm so, so excited about that.