#for what? that's a secret my brain will never tell
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I just wanna see that smile
wc: 1.1k | tags: canon-compliant injury/recovery, hospital setting, getting together, (brief and inferred mutual) pining, first kiss
a/n: happy (belated) birthday to my pal, @firefly-party! kei drew this piece last year and it was one of the first artworks we talked about when we became friends. this series has continued to live in my brain ever since, so I decided to write a little something in the universe!
Eddie woke up on March 26th, 1986 and Steve’s waited patiently for this moment ever since.
Well, patient is a misnomer— he’d waited quietly to anyone not named Robin or Dustin. Robin, because she knows him too well and there’s no point in trying to hide anything from her and Dustin, because he’d apparently grown up overnight and pieced together that Steve sitting at Eddie’s bedside and holding his fucking hand every time he waltzed into the room meant something.
Or maybe it was when Steve gave Eddie all of his rings back, sliding them carefully onto his shaking fingers with a comforting smile.
Or maybe when Eddie sat up unassisted for the first time and Steve nearly hit the ceiling, bracing him in a panic as if all of his stitches and staples would burst with the tiny movement he’d been working toward in physical therapy.
Hell, maybe it was Steve taking over some of Eddie’s care for himself, washing his hair and braiding it because the staff at Hawkins Memorial are doing nothing more than the bare minimum to make sure they don’t get sued, or even more frightening, reamed out by the new duo of Hopper and Wayne again. Either way, his hair was making Steve’s own scalp itchy.
Dustin never tells Steve what it was exactly that tipped him off but whatever it was, it’s enough for Dustin to give Steve the floor when Eddie’s getting ready to discharge back home. And that’s how, exactly two months later to the day from Eddie waking up, Steve enters Eddie’s otherwise empty room armed with a special treat in the form of milkshakes to find Eddie pouring over an unfortunately familiar stack of papers.
“NDA?” Steve asks, nodding at the papers in Eddie’s lap. He’s upright, fully dressed in the black sweatpants Jeff brought by and a cut off Metallica tee shirt, bandages around his stomach and neck.
Eddie mutters as he reads under his breath, eyes flitting across the page.
“How the fuck do they expect any of us common folk to understand a fucking word of this? Hereby? Wherein? Hitherto? What fucking year did I wake up in, man?”
“Yeah, I think the whole point is that you don’t read what you’re signing but I’ll let you in on a little secret.” Steve huffs a small laugh through his nose as he steps carefully around Eddie’s crutches. “You may as well just sign it because if you don’t, they’ll forge it anyway. Now finish signing your life rights away so you can have this milkshake with me.”
Eddie perks up, looking away from the mess of papers and smiling up at Steve with a smile so genuine, it punches the air out of his lungs. He keeps looking at him like this, like Steve’s a breath of fresh air, like he's someone Eddie wants to have around.
Steve isn’t sure what to do with that look yet, but he’s sure glad it’s there.
“Celebration milkshakes? Is this a freedom gift?” Eddie signs the NDA quickly and sets the pen down on the bed next to him.
“It sure is. Figured this could make up for all those lame popsicles from the cafeteria.”
The mattress creaks as Steve sits down on the edge, just to the side of the railing, and hands Eddie the strawberry treat. Their fingers graze, Steve’s chilled and Eddie’s warm. His hand is still a little shaky, trembling as he takes hold of the cup, but they’re warm and warm means alive.
Eddie’s hand can tremble for the rest of his goddamn life so long as it’s always warm.
They each take a sip, smooth ice cream slurping up their straws, and after a moment, Eddie sighs.
“Is it weird that I’m actually sort of worried about leaving?”
Steve’s eyebrows knit together, looking down at Eddie’s rings glinting beneath the offensive fluorescent lights above them.
“What are you worried about?”
“Uh, well, I did almost die. And the town still wishes I did. It’s a lot easier to make those dreams a reality outside of these walls, y’know? And I’m uh…” Steve watches as Eddie takes a breath and Steve suddenly misses the early days when Eddie was connected to the heart rate monitor.
“You’re…?” Steve presses, sipping his milkshake again to appear casual.
“I see you all the time here. Guess I just don’t want that to change.”
Steve’s heart skips a beat, clattering in his chest and pounding at his ribs, desperately trying to crack him right open and run to the man who’s claimed it. Eddie watches him with cautious eyes, opens his mouth to say something else but Steve cuts him off before he can take it back.
“Why do you think that’d change? Forest Hills is a lot closer than this shithole, and you won’t be kept under lock and key. And as for the first thing, well, Wayne and Nancy have a lot in common and I have a bat loaded up with nails in the trunk of my car.” Steve rests his free hand on Eddie’s knee. “No one's gonna fuck with you. Don’t worry about that.”
“You sound a little cocky there, Stevie.” Eddie lifts one eyebrow, glancing from Steve’s hand up to his eyes. “Ready to fight for my honor or something?”
“Yep.”
He hadn’t brought the milkshakes intending to use them as props, but he’s glad he has something to do to fill the space as Eddie watches him with questioning eyes. As he slurps through the straw, grating noise still preferable over the awkward silence, Eddie’s pinched expression turns softer, realization dawning between the stark white walls of the hospital and the pink ice cream in both of their hands.
“You’re serious.” Eddie says.
“Took you that long to figure that out?” Steve teases.
“I’ve been a little busy with learning how to breathe and walk again. Y’know, just little things.” Eddie rolls his eyes with that same fond smile, free hand lacing its fingers through Steve’s. “So what you’re saying is that I’ll see you just as much outside of this prison as I have inside of it?”
Steve shrugs. “Probably even more, honestly. There are no visiting hours at Wayne’s, and it’s not like I have a job to rush off to these days. You’re stuck with me, Ed. At least for as long as you want me around.”
Eddie snorts, unceremoniously scoffing in Steve’s face as if in disbelief.
“Don’t make promises like that. What happens when I never want you to leave?”
The air shifts, growing heavier as they find themselves leaning closer, two satellites orbiting one another by nothing but gravitational pull.
Steve’s not sure who actually closes the gap, but he finds himself with his lips pressed against Eddie’s— sweet, chilled, a little chapped but smiling against his. Months of waiting, of hoping that he’d get this opportunity, come to a deafening crescendo and it takes all of his discipline to not push. Instead, they pull apart and Steve smiles, tucking loose hair behind Eddie’s ear.
“That’s easy. I’d just never leave.”
fun fact: kei, I wrote your birthday down in my calendar as the 28th for some reason, a solid ten days late, so know that this was planned from the get-go but was just a tad bit late.
#steddie#steddie fic#steddie fanfic#steddie fanfiction#steve harrington x eddie munson#eddie munson x steve harrington#steve harrington#eddie munson#stranger things#stranger things fic#stranger things fanfic#stranger things fanfiction#myblurbs
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matilda - m. murdock
a/n: hey guys i have back pain and i have daddy issues so i wanted to write a quick blurb about it. so. sorry if you guys cant particularly relate to this one it's for me <3
warnings: ANGST, reader cries a lot, probably cursing, lots of daddy issues, lots of being upset, mentions of fathers being drunk, matt picks up the reader but matt in my brain can lift like 250+ so, uhhhh i don't know guys just angst and daddy issues !
word count: 1.2k
summary: you have daddy issues and back pain. matt does his best to help.
pairing: matt murdock x gn!reader
now playing: matilda - harry styles
"i don't believe that time will change your mind/in other words, I know they won't hurt you anymore/as long as you can let them go"
Matt finds you on the floor of the kitchen, your knees hugged against your chest. He is so tired, bruises starting to really hurt after sitting all purple and blue on his ribs and his arms. He’s just in his boxers his hair damp from a shower.
You are just in a pair of boxers and a muscle tee. Your knuckles are white, and you are staring into space in the most literal definition. It’s four a.m. You are a twenty something year old adult, you have not slept in your mother’s bed in years.
And yet, you feel like a child.
And your back is fucking killing you.
Matt sits next to you on the kitchen floor, goosebumps shooting up his skin as his feet and palms feel the cold, rough tile floor. His hand finds your arm and gently rubs his thumb against your skin.
“What’re you doing on the floor, sweetheart?” His voice is low and thick with sleep. He is so tired, that his words aren’t nearly as poetic, sappy or flirtatious as he wants them to be (maybe not all at once, but he most certainly wished they were better than that).
You consider lying to him for a moment. Really, you do. You could tell him that the floor is just more comfortable, that you want him to fuck you right here against the tiles, that you just could not sleep, that there is nothing deeper than a busy brain that cannot calm down.
“My dad called me while you were away.” You tell him, your voice soft. Matt will be able to hear it no matter how loudly or quietly you say it. And at your confession, he tenses. He has a complicated relationship with your father, but his relationship is calm compared to the raging waters that make up how you feel about the man.
“Okay,” he starts, rubbing your arm gently. “And what did he say?”
You blink.
“Nothing. Nothing that should have made me feel like this.” You tell him, a horrible taste in your mouth. From what, you do not know. Matt doesn’t respond right away, waiting for you to tell him more. “He was drunk.” You say quietly.
“Oh.” He knows you don’t drink. He knows you have a very complicated relationship with substances. “I can understand why that might be upsetting..” he tries, and you shake your head, your face twisting into frustration, anger, and perhaps a hint of sadness.
“He’ll never change.” You whisper, too afraid to be any louder, too afraid that maybe from miles and miles away, your father will hear you. That maybe if you say it any louder, it won’t be a secret anymore, and that you’ll start crying if you say it any louder. “He’ll never ever change.” You say, and your head turns to look at him.
And you stare at the man that you love, and you stare and stare, and you think about Jack Murdock who loved his son so much that he was willing to die for him to have a better life, that he was entirely selfless when it came to the person you are lucky enough to call yours.
And you think about how your father wants nothing to do with you. He never did. Not really.
That’s when you start to cry.
It starts with a few tears rolling down your cheeks, salty and fat, as if they hold all of the memories your brain has locked away to protect you. Then, the tears come out faster, and faster, until you are choking on your own breath, racking with sobs. Matt’s arms are around you in an instant.
He pulls you close to him, and you feel bad for getting tears all over his skin. He’ll tell you it’s his fault for wearing just briefs. He pulls you into his lap, and while you cry into his neck, his hand comes down to your back and slips under your shirt, gently rubbing it up and down.
You twitch at the feeling, your back still aching as you sit with him, the pain contributing to your tears. Matt’s lips kiss your forehead, and he just holds you for a long time. Your breathing becomes short with how violently you’re sobbing.
“Hey, easy..” he says softly before he tilts your head up to look at him. “Your breathing isn’t healthy. Come on, watch me,” and he takes deep breathes in and out, expecting you to copy his attempts. When you’re finally at a point where you an breath on your own, Matt begins wiping your tears gently.
“Sorry…” You say quietly. He just shushes you softly and leans in to kiss your cheek.
“You never have to apologize for your emotions.” He promises, “I love you so much. I am so sorry he’s like that,” and now Matt is crying and he’s not sure why, but you feel awful about it, so your shaky hands come up to wipe his tears and he wants to laugh at your attempt at gentleness because he wonders how often you were shown the same kindness and his heart aches at the most realistic answer.
“Honey, you never have to worry about him again. You made it out, he can’t hurt you anymore..” He tells you, and you try to believe him. “You’ll never feel anything except safe and loved, I promise.” He says quietly, before leaning in to kiss you gently. “Is there anything else?” He senses that you are in physical pain too. Partially because he can tell by how your jaw clenches that you are tense, but even without his super senses, he just knows you aren’t feeling well.
He knows you too well.
“My back is killing me.” You confess, and he frowns. “And my head now.” Your head always hurts after crying.
“Okay,” He nods, “Hold tight,” and somehow, your fucking angel of a man picks you up off the floor and carries you to bed. He steps away only to grab you a glass of water and some Advil. You take it quietly, chugging the water before he sits on the bed next to you.
“Thank you for taking care of me.” You whisper, still upset, but so so grateful. He just smiles sadly and leans in to kiss you gently. Then, he pulls away to ask,
“How about I give you a quick back massage and then we get to bed? You must be tired. I know I am.” You sigh and nod, shifting so you’re laying on your stomach.
Matt leans down and kisses your shoulder before whispering, “I meant it you know. You made it out. You’re safe. You’re loved.”
And even without being a human lie detector like him, you can tell he’s telling the truth. It makes you cry more, but Matt stays to wipe the tears away. He’ll always stay. And he’ll always tell you as much when you need the reminder.
You’re safe.
You’re loved.
These words echo in your brain as you drift off to sleep, Matt holding you close, fingers tracing patterns into your skin as you fall into a dreamless sleep, focusing on the warmth that radiates off him.
#matt murdock x reader#matt murdock x you#matt murdock x y/n#daredevil#daredevil fic#matt murdock#daredevil fanfiction#matt murdock fic#matt murdock fluff#matt murdock angst#daddy issues#angst#back pain#matt murdock x gn!reader#matt murdock x sad reader#daredevil angst#daredevil blurb#matt murdock blurb#matt murdock blurbs
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"Woah, now I know why you don't drink with us!!!!" || Part 1
Part 2 || Masterlist
Summary: Y/N has a secret crush on Felix. Little did she know he too liked her. All the boys are Y/n's friend as they go to the same college and live under the same roof. The other boys did know of Felix's crush but are clueless about Y/N. Little did the blooming couple know that an anesthesia would be the one bringing them together.
Pairing: NonIdol!Felix X Female!Y/N
Genre: slightly suggestive, fluff maybe, mentions of alcohol, high Y/N
Note: Y/N is sedated, The Felix or his other roommates mentioned here are no where related to the idol Stray Kids and are just a fictional character. Minors DNI please!!!
"Initially we give less dosage of anesthesia to patients who come for the wisdom teeth removal, since Y/N's so sensitive, we had to give her higher dose. So she would be high for some time, and would come to her senses after 8 hours. Meanwhile, if she faces any issues you can tell her to take the prescribed tablets. Also she is advised not to have any spicy or hard food for a week. Only liquid food for an entire day and soft food for the rest of the week." said the Dentist. "Thank you Doctor", Han said as he helped Y/N get up and made her go out . "Y/N, I'll get the medicines and you stay here" he babied her. "Who are you? I do what I want to." Y/N retorted. "Y/n ah, I know you are a brat, but I'll let this pass once, only just because you are under sedation" a triggered Han said as he left her on the chair to get medicines. On his way to the pharmacy, he met Hyunjin. "Han ah, where is Y/N? Chan asked me to tag along in case you needed help". "Bro, I have made her sit on the chair, can you please take a look at her. She is spewing nonsense. Such a menace she is." Han replied. After the medicines were bought, Hyunjin and Han helped Y/N walk on her way to their car. Hyunjin sat in the driver's seat and a staggered Y/N went to occupy the passenger seat. Not even 5 minutes later, she was transferred to the back seat and was made to sit with Han with all the fuss she created. "Chan, we are on the way back and .... Y/N!!! stop pulling my specs" Han yelled and after a heated argument Han relied to Chan about Y/N's diet and the dentist's advise.
Y/N is usually a bubbling extroverted girl. A beautiful girl who is one year younger than I.N. A person with both beauty and brains, had a lot of people courting her, but her eyes laid only on one of her roommate, Lee Felix Yongbok. Being a bratty roommate with others and making fun of everyone with all possibilities, she has always had a soft spot for Felix and has never made fun of him. The others had never doubted this because, she had treated him like how all would treat him. But be it arriving on time for a class, or making any meal, or saving a book she had all done it ready for him. Often the members would have late night outs and parties and she being the only girl was literally treated like a younger sibling and was never allowed for any late night parties. Whenever it would be, just "Saturday Nights" at their dorm, she would always insist on having orange juice or sparkling water rather than alcohol. The members though knew it, that it was because of her lower tolerance level and that she would be difficult to handle, didn't force her. On the other hand, she didn't want to because, she knew she would pour her heart out if she drank and didn't want to miss the friendship she cherished. So, it was only when she was with he girls that she drank. That was how much she loved him.
Similar to Y/N, Felix liked her but didn't open up his heart to her for the fear of loosing her friendship. He kept it to his heart, until one day, where they had a game of truth or dare during their "Saturday Nights" and he confessed to have feelings for a particular girl. Upon closely watching his previous movements, the group concluded that it definitely was Y/N. When he asked how, each of them had their own answers for confirmation. Seungmin said, "I saw you waiting for her after class, to walk along with her to our dorm, even thoug you didn't have class that day". " One night when I went to drink water, I saw you tucking up her bedsheet " Hyunjin replied. "I saw you having her as your wallpaper on your phone" replied Changbin. He also added, "I didn't mean to peak at your phone, remember; when I had asked for your phone to text the professor. It was that time I realised it". "Not to mention, we share the same room and one day I saw you texting her, you slept with your phone. When I tried to keep the phone on the table beside, I saw a notification with Y/N's name along with a light blue heart." replied the youngest. "Don't you think I know the way steal glances of her during our combined sessions?" asked the eldest. "I knew it the moment you told me weeks ago about how you wanted pasta for dinner just because Y/N had a bad day at college. You have never done it for anyone else" said Lee Know. "Remember the one day I borrowed your book for reference? Do you not remember what you had written in it? The entire book had Y/N's name on it just like how a psychopath writes a person's name" said Han "You have been too obvious with it around us. Y/N must be either dumb or must be really clueless about it" he retorted.
Back in the car, when Han cut the call, Y/N "Bro, where is my love? I wanna meet him" she said. An astonished Han, asked who it was for which she replied that he knew him. Hyunjin in the driver's seat replied "I guess Felix is screwed!!!" Meanwhile, "You Quokka like human, where is my love? I want to meet him. Kiss him... Please bring him here." Han knew it wasn't easy and not right either to bring words out from her, so he decided, "Y/N let's play this game 10 questions. I'll ask you 10 questions and you have to answer them honestly. By the time you are done, I'll bring you your love. Deal? " he asked. "Deal" she challenged.
Even after 10 questions, he was not able to find out who it was and had arrived to their dorm. Han and Hyunjin had tricked Y/N into make her believe that they were at her "Love's" home and that she had to go in to see him. As soon as she entered, she started yelling "Lee Felix Yongbok!!!! where are you?". Hearing her voice, Felix came out to see what was going on.... "Come here!!!!" she ordered as she sat on their sofa, pointing her hands, implying him to sit near her. "What is it Y/N?" asked Felix as he sat near her. A wild Y/N, grabbed Felix's shirt by the collar, just leaving a gap of 2 inches between them. She could feel his breath pace take off and her cheeks now tinted with red. With a raspy voice, she said "Do you know how much I love you? Those freckles and the cute smile is definitely the death of me. In the future, if I get married, I want it only with you and our kids will have beautiful freckles just like you" she confessed. Everyone were too stunned to speak at the confession. Meanwhile Hyunjin, "Han, we were so clueless, the entire ride she was talking about.... was it Felix????" Han replied "Now with what she confessed, I think, no conclude that it was definitely Felix." "You know why every time you call me to have drinks I deny? It is because, if I drink, I would pour my heart out. I don't know what is in your mind and if you don't like it, I would crumble into pieces. i wouldn't be even able to face you" she said. Her hands now across his neck as she pulls him in for a deep kiss. Breaking out from the kiss, Felix says" Who said I don't like you? I've always loved you, and will love you. " as he tucked the small fringe of hair behind her ears. " Woah, now I know why you don't drink with us. It's okay." he says, as he carried her to her bedroom.
Idk if y'all want Part 2. But if you want, please feel free to ask it in the comment section.
#skz#stray kids#y/n#bang chan#christoper bang chan#han#han jisung#lee know#kim seungmin#yang jeongin#hwang hyunjin#lee min ho#lee felix#felix#lee felix yongbok#changbin#seo changbin#I.N#felix X Y/N#lee felix X Y/N
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The Fourth Realm
Ft. Klein (my MC/Angel AU), the Devil Kings (Beelzebub mentioned only), the Seraphim, Selaphiel, Bael, Bimet
Based on the Prologue of the Realm of the Seraphim
Angel AU explanation: in Angel AU, my MC Klein is a Seraph called Kleiniel. He frequently goes to Hell under the disguise of a devil with the name Klein to solve his sexual frustration. Even though it started as a purely physical and sexual relationship, Klein/Kleiniel managed to capture the hearts of the kings and nobles alike.
The devil Klein is thinking about a sexual brain rot he is having as he walks to the door of the Secret Club, which the kings have allowed him to visit whenever he likes, despite the fact that he isn't a noble nor a devil with a special position. That's the privelege he got for captivating the kings.
"I'm sorry, Sir Klein. You can't enter today." The guards at the door says as he stops Klein.
"What? Why?"
"The Devil Kings are having a very important meeting. They ordered us not to let anyone in."
An important meeting? If it's a meeting on Heaven, I have to hear it. Klein says to himself eyeing the guards and the door to the Secret Club.
"The Devil Kings have promised me that I can enter the Secret Club whenever I like. A promise is a promise."
The guards look at each other as they don't know what to do in this dilemma.
"One of you can go inside and ask the Kings. I'll patiently wait here."
"Then please wait here." One of the guards bows and goes inside the club.
~~~
"Your Majesties!" The guard interrupts the discussion and bows.
"Didn't I tell you not to interrupt the meeting?" Bimet says. "His Majesty Mammon and the other kings are having an important meeting."
"Well..." The guard falters.
"Speak." Leviathan says calmly.
"Well, sir Klein is outside the club and he wants to enter. He said Your Majesties had promised him that he could be in the club whenever he liked." The guard pants after letting the words all out.
"I never did." Leviathan says and scowls. He thought it was an emergency but it turned out to be a normal devil demanding his promised privilege. If Klein were standing right there, he would be hung immediately.
"I did." Mammon said.
"A promise is very important to devils. Let him in." Satan turns to the guard and says.
"Y-yes, I'll go tell sir Klein right away." The devil guard says and scurries out.
"You two know that this is an important meeting, even if you two did promise-"
"I know. But I also think it's a good idea if we have the opinion of a special devil who has no affiliation with any country." Satan says and he downs the liquor cup he's holding in his hand.
~~~
"Sir Klein, you can enter now." The guard says after returning to his position, outside the door of the Secret Club.
"Thank you." Klein throws them two gold coins "after your shift is done, go have a drink yourself."
It's always good to make connection. Klein smirks as he enters the club, while the the guards bow at him.
~~~
"Sorry for coming at an inconvenient time." Klein apologizes and comes sit between Satan and Mammon at the motions of the two kings. The waiter immediately hands him a drink. Leviathan eyes him suspiciously but Klein only smiles and waves at him. He also turns aside and greets Bael, who is here instead of the true king of Gluttony, Beelzebub.
"As I was saying before, we are going to attack the Realms of the Seraphim."
Klein nearly spits out his drink when he heard what Mammon just said. But he calms himself down before he could show a react that would be considered suspicious.
"The angels have managed to kill all descendants of Solomon, which means we can't have our contracts broken and we won't have full power. But we can't keep being in the passive."
"As we know, each Seraph takes it for his pride to kill one of us, plus Bell, that he finds most loathing."
Not me.
"Satan and his camp will attack the Gabriel's realm, Levi and his camp will attack Michael's realm, and Bael, please tell Bell and the Abyssos nobles to attack Raphael's realm."
"I can only hope I can find that bastard soon to relay the message."
"Alright, do we have any question?" Mammon asks as he looks around. Ultimately, his eyes fall on the uninvited guest of the meeting.
"Well..." Klein ponders. "What's about the realm of the fourth Seraph? I heard he rose up to become a Seraph after Lucifer fell and he has a mysterious origin."
Mammon smiles as if he has been waiting for the question.
"As for the fourth Seraph, he has no enmity with any of the kings. From the intel, it's the most silent realm of the four and the Seraph in charge will only open the door to receive other Seraphim and some Cherubim. But Tartaros will provoke him and try to find what triggers him the most." Mammon smirks after telling everyone his plan.
Trigger my ass. The Seraph you are talking about is right here. Klein is pissed but he keeps his expression under control.
~~~
Even though I don't like them, I better tell the other Seraphim. I also need to reinforce the barrier protecting my realm. Klein ponders as he walks. Suddenly, he collides with someone and nearly fell, but the other person managed to catch him.
Klein looks up and sees a devil towering over him. However, what makes him shaken up and his legs feel weak is the identity of that devil. Klein, or rather Kleiniel, knows the devil very well, although he only learned about him through books and paintings in Heaven.
L-Lucifer? God, he's much more beautiful than the depiction of those paintings. The cheeks of the fake devil become pink just looking at God's first creature.
"You-" Lucifer opens his mouth to say something but Klein shouts "eeek" immediately because Lucifer's voice is so beautiful that he immediately has an erection.
"S-sorry." Klein snaps himself back to reality and leaves hurriedly. Not good, not good, the Kings are beautiful and sexy but the traitor is on another level. If I'm not careful, my secret could be exposed.
The image of Lucifer still linger in Klein's mind when his six wings soar back to Heaven at a place far from the city.
However, it was because Kleiniel was having the image of Lucifer constantly in his head, he didn't notice someone following him.
So that's the new Seraph. Did God create him to replace me? Lucifer contemplates as he can't help but let the flame of envy spark.
~~~
The three Seraphim enter the chapel of Kleiniel's realm, which is the exact replica of the Sistine Chapel on Earth. The youngest Seraph adores the chapel. It was told that he even kidnapped Michaelangelo and other artists to force them to recreate the chapel as exactly as how it was on Earth. The Seraphim walk inside and find Kleiniel kneeling before the altar, praying.
"What did you call us here for?" Michael angrily asks, almost like he is threatening Kleiniel. After all, the three Seraphim never consider him to be their brother and they have never said anything good to or about him.
"The devils are preparing to counterattack." Kleiniel states as he gets up and turns to face the other Seraphim. "They will attack our realms. And each of you will have to face the one you find most loathing."
"Why should we trust you?" Michael questions Kleiniel. Out of a the Seraphim, his paranoia on Kleiniel is the strongest.
"As a fellow Seraph, I feel that it's a responsibility to give you a forewarning. And as a leader of Heaven, I feel that it's my responsibility to preserve the solidarity of the land God created. A city divided against itself shall not stand." Klein looks at every Seraph in the eyes to show that he's trustful with his words. But of course, I won't let you kill those devils.
"Very well. My eye beam will have to pierce through that coffin, sooner or later, with or without your intel." Michael smiles and leaves the chapel first.
"When I manage to kill Satan, maybe I'll finally be able to treat you as one of our own." Gabriel also smiles and leaves.
However, Raphael doesn't leave. Instead, he grabs Kleiniel's collar and begins to sniff him.
"You met him, didn't you? Our brother." Raphael asks while smirking. But Klein keeps his mouth shut. To him, the best way to deal with the accusation coming from Raphael is to neither admit nor deny it outright.
"I can't wait for what will happen when your secret is out. I wonder what kind of punishment those two will give you. If I'm in good mood, you can be my pet then." Raphael turns around and leaves with a laugh.
"Or maybe I could crush all three of you and have Heaven for myself." Kleiniel says after everyone has left. His hand is caressing his golden pectoral cross.
Kleiniel takes out his phone and messages one of the angels he knows he can trust.
Kleiniel: [Selaphiel, please help me spy on the devil kings and nobles, using every mean at your disposal. Report back to me every word they say at their important meetings.]
Selaphiel: [Of course, you know I will do anything for you.]
Selaphiel: [Emoji]
Kleiniel can't help but blush at the emoji because the person on the emoji is doing something very suspicious with his hands. But he doesn't dislike it one bit.
Kleiniel: [Sure.]
Selaphiel: :D
Klein puts the phone inside his pocket, turns around and kneels down before the altar again.
"Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal, have mercy on this unworthy servant of Thee. Glory be to the Incomprehensible and Infinite God, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen."
As he prostrates on the ground.
#what in “hell” is bad?#what in hell is bad#whb mc#whb mc: klein#whb leviathan#whb mammon#whb satan#whb bael#whb bimet#whb lucifer#whb selaphiel#whb michael#whb gabriel#whb raphael
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MERAAA it’s phantom anon here (・ω・)ノ
lemme just tell you- i’ve been rereading your old works and they never. stop. hitting.
but RABU JADE??!?? OH BROTHER
*pulls up a chair and sits down unceremoniously*
he hasn’t left my mind ever since i’ve read it. he’s quite literally- a leech.
i’ve been thinking of how poor ol’ reader is gonna get out of the predicament they’re currently facing.
(which i will send another ask about cause oh my god the rot in my brain- it’s festering i tell ya)
i def think that jade had some kind of sick pleasure knowing that he was boiling fingers and the like while reader was right. there.
seconds away from checking the pot. inches away from the last remains of the restaurants last dine-&-dash victim
he could have you find out anytime he likes, ‘darling mind stirring the pot for me?’ ‘darling could you help drain the broth from the pot?’ ‘honey how would you like to help me prep for the day- there’s a bag in the freezer i need you to get’
i can see him biting his lip in some, perverse pleasure, as he watches reader scurry around the kitchen doing her thang. checking the pot right next to his. his breathe hitched when you’re about to unmask his… secret.
but with a little ‘whoops’ and a giggle of ‘wrong pot,’ jade’s heart beats a little faster, his teeth clamps a little harder, a bead of blood on his lip as he has to excuse himself.
i think he lays awake in bed some nights, holding reader tightly as he lets his mind wander. how would reader react? would you get nauseous? would you faint? would you yell at him: if so in despair or anger? would you try calling the cops? would you try calling floyd?- his arms get a little tighter at the thought of you in his twin’s arms.
would you try to convince him you didn’t see anything? would you flinch if he tried touching you.
all these scenarios racing through his head- would you help him?
ahhh maybe he gets so shy thinking about the two of you cooking… with love. yes you do it already but this is a different kind of intimacy 🙈
but i also don’t think he was ready for the day to actually come- much rather fantasize about your reactions. because they’re just that- fantasizes
after all, every couple has their secrets. and a bit of mystery always spices up things a bit 🙈
so jade seeing reader as stiff as a brick while in front of his pot had a different kind of thumping in his chest.
(imagine reader trying to distract him with the pregnancy test they tried slipping in the pot HHAHAXHAHA- don’t reader put it in a 2 sealed plastic baggys cause they have a 3 star standard to uphold!!)
YAY!!
ALSO I JDUT SAW ANGELS OF TOBET GOT POSTED SO LEMME JUST SCURRY OVER TO THERE😸😸
Phantom anon, hi hiii!! ⸜(｡ ˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡
Oh, RABU Jade...... he really does have all sorts of twisted fantasies. >_< you have no other choice but to continue loving him, for he's your darling husband. But the fingers in the pot and Jade's secret are second to the biggest news: your pregnancy!!! <3 aaaa Jade's just so happy. Maybe he promises not to harvest anymore special ingredients so it won't stress you and the baby out. But if you find yourself craving that yummy bone broth with its dubious ingredients, who is he to deny you?
You're definitely going to have to reevaluate your husband after discovering this hidden side. ^^;;; confiding in someone else is dangerous because you have no idea what he might do to them, especially if that person is Detective Ashengrotto. ;;;;; maybe Floyd might have some advice.... :)
AAAAAA OTL I just love RABU Jade!! He's so devious.
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Lonely
Aaron Hotchner x Gn!Reader
Summary: Just a little hurt/comfort fic. It's one of those days where nothing feels okay, but to your surprise, your boss Aaron Hotchner is there to comfort you.
Soft!Hotch my beloved <333
TW: The reader talks about struggling with their mental health.
Words: 1.1 k
It was only you who was left at the office. You thought that occupying your mind with some boring paperwork would help you distract yourself from the painful feeling on your chest. It was one of those days where something as simple as a smile was impossible to fake. It was one of those days where a headache was creeping up by you forcing your tears not to spill all day.
If someone were to ask you why you were feeling that way, you would have an extremely hard time to explain. You couldn’t even explain it to yourself. You were just feeling sad. And feeling sad made you feel lonely.
The noise of a door closing made you drop your pen and turn your head to that direction. Yes, everyone else had left, but the word ‘everyone’ did not include your boss. Ever. At least for you.
“Y/N, what are you still doing here? It’s almost eleven,” he asked, approaching your desk. Looking up at him you immediately recognized concern in his expression.
“I thought I could just finish this all up tonight. You know, so I don’t have it on my mind all week.” You tried to sound casual, but you were pretty certain he was already not buying it.
“I don’t want you to overwork yourself. Especially for something as meaningless as paperwork. You already go through enough when we have a case.”
You sighed, figuring there was no reason to fight him on this. If you agreed he would just drop it. “You’re right.”
You started collecting your things to put them in your bag, expecting Aaron to wish you goodnight and leave. Instead you felt him staring at you in silence.
Bringing your bag to your lap, after securing all your personal things in it, you turned to the side ready to get up. You hadn’t realized that he had moved closer though - to the point where if you stood up, your face would bump into his chest. That’s why you decided to stay seated.
You looked up at him and took a deep breath, trying to calm your heartbeat that was going crazy, because he was completely towering over you.
“Y/N?”
“Yeah?”
“Is everything okay?” There it was again. That same expression of concern. You hated the way he could see right through you. Aaron was known for being able to read people – he was good at his job and you admired him for it – but it was never fun to be on the receiving end of his talent. It made you feel bare and vulnerable.
“Yes, everything’s good.”
He slowly squatted down so he could be at the same level as you. Your height difference hadn’t allowed your faces to be this close to each other before. Looking into his eyes from this new angle felt different.
“Listen,” he started. “I can understand why I would not be the first person you’d choose to talk to about a personal issue. I know I’m much older than you and might act a little like a drill sergeant sometimes, but I’m always here if you need to talk. I would love to help. About whatever it is that’s bothering you.”
You smiled sadly at him because, deep down, if you could choose one person in the world to open your heart to it would be him. But how could you randomly start talking about your feelings to your boss of all people? How does one get the chance to do so?
Except now you had the perfect chance. He was offering it to you.
“I don’t think I’m gonna make any sense, Hotch,” you answered; your voice small and ready to break.
“You don’t have to. This isn’t an exam, you know. You can just tell me how you feel. No need to explain.”
Tears started to blur your vision at his words. Your feelings for him got a hundred times more intense than they were before.
“I’m lonely,” you broke, crying properly now. “I’m so lonely.”
His hand reached out to take yours and his thumb started to move in a soothing motion. It helped.
“And I’m not saying I’m alone,” you continued. “I have my family, my friends, our team... I know I have people in my life who care for me, I really do. And I recognize how ungrateful I sound for saying that it’s not enough. But it’s not. I’m still lonely. And I’m still sad. And I don’t know why.”
“Sweetheart…” he whispered, his free hand cupping your cheek so he could wipe away the tears.
“I’m so tired of thinking I’m okay and then feeling awful again. It never ends,” you sobbed, leaning into his touch without really thinking about it. “I just feel so helpless when it gets bad. Like nothing can help.”
As soon as you finished your sentence he pulled you into his arms. The fingers of his one hand got lost between your hair, while his other hand was rubbing circles on your back. “Maybe this can help,” he said, kissing the top of your head.
You completely melted in his embrace. Your sobs got louder and your body was shaking, but it felt like release.
“Hotch,” you cried, “I just wanna be okay.”
“You will be, I promise.”
You pushed away, just enough so you could look at his face again. His eyes were red and your heart clenched at the thought of him caring for you enough to be this moved by your sadness.
His palms were cupping your cheeks again and his handsome smile made its appearance, looking sweeter than ever.
“Thank you,” you smiled back. It was through tears, but it was the only genuine smile you had given anyone all day.
“Of course,” he replied, leaving a soft kiss on your forehead. “And now…” He dragged out the sentence, while standing up.
You missed his touch already. You didn’t want him to leave you alone. But you prepared yourself for his next words. He probably had to get home to Jack, you thought.
“How about we go get some ice cream?” he asked instead.
Your eyes lit up like a kid which made him laugh.
“I know a place that’s open all night. Let me drive us there,” he said offering his hand, and you took it without a second thought.
“I’d love that.”
You started walking towards the elevator, holding hands.
“Nothing like some ice cream after a good cry, right?” he joked and you giggled.
His hand dropped yours, only for his arm to wrap itself around your neck, pulling you close to his chest.
Maybe you could learn to love the way Aaron could see right through you. It made you feel cared for and understood.
#aaron hotchner#hotch#criminal minds#aaron hotchner x reader#hotch x reader#criminal minds fic#hiding in the tags so i can be insane here hehe#not me writing this when i should be studying 💀#but i'm so sad today lmao#for what? that's a secret my brain will never tell#i just feel really lonely and sad and thought i could use my sweet man for comfort#and thought i'd share in case anyone needs some comfort too#maybe it's because i'm on my period 😔#anyway if anyone's reading this i hope you enjoyed the fic#it's provided by my mental illness <3#hotch 🪐
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im so tired of being a sleepy boy
#i napped for 2 hours bc i was so sleepy and still am. why.#i hydrated enough im not having an episode im not sick and no meds are causing it (i think) and the sun is not out so why!!!!#what am i supposed to do aaaaa!!!!!!! sleep for an entire day until i had sm sleep im sick of it?? 😭#i dozed off in the middle of sketching like cmon!!!#looking it up will tell me i have some rare kind of deadly disease and i dont wanna go to my doc and tell him im a sleepy googoogaga#this man is funnily enough my childhood doctor i went to before my adoption so he knows well enough how sleepy i am#considering my grandparents always tell i was fhe quietest baby ever and never screamed or cried they thought i just passed away or#was sick bc i just slept all day#so yss hes well aware of youn and his chronic sleepy sleepiness since baby times#actually thats over 20 years ago and my doc still looks the same#meaning super hot#which is confusing#this man did check ups on me when i was like 6 and 20 years later he kneads my popped out vertebrae back into place like im an old man#and he just looks exactly the same#this messes wifh my brain i think i need to nap on this#personal#tbd#idk why i rambled so hard while in the process of waking up my condolences if anyone read this far#im not even sleepy anymore bc i thought so hard about my doctor and his secret immortality my brain is actually working#🤔 ah
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everyone likes to tell me that real friends exist, the right people for me exist, i'll find them, I just have to look, keep trying. etc.
but no one tells me how, where to look, or how to know who "the right people" even are!
not to mention the fact that I'm getting too old to "make friends" because it's mainly expected of kids/teens to do that. older adults are supposed to have their people already. most adults my age already have their established friend groups that i'm not allowed to join. or they're all pairing off and prefer their partners over friends. or I just simply can't relate or bond with them because we have nothing in common.
#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#neurodivergent#adhd#audhd#autistic friendship#friendship problems#friends#the people who tell me these things never want to step up and try to be that person either so I mean 🤷♂️#they won't tell me how and where and won't be an example. like how am I supposed to know what a good friend looks like if I never had one?#how am I supposed to know what the “right people” look like and where they are!!#this has to be one of those secret things other people just naturally *know* that I don't. right?????#most others dont seem to have any problems with it and assume I can do it easily!#the older I get the more I lose hope i'll find ~my people~ or where I belong and true friends....#lee rambles#how cruel is this universe to make me want nothing more than to have solid and deep connections then deny me that#i wish to be able to accept that im meant to always be alone and embrace being a lonely as hell and learn to like it 🥲#most of my problems and mental anguish would magically disappear if i could convince my pathetic brain to accept that!
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ok folks this lives and dies between us but i swear to god with every passing moment and every new fact i learn i am more and more convinced that had i spoken portuguese at age 11 when i got into minecraft youtube the first time i would BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT have had a tiny little baby 11 year old celebrity crush on pactw
#qsmp#pactw#qsmp pac#cute? check. funny? check. smart? check.#did a roleplay series; does funny minigames; MAKES funny minigames#like shit dude if i hadn't worked extremely hard to draw extremely thick lines separating myself mentally from content creators i might now#but i've beat myself over the head with the 'being parasocial only ends up with your favs going to jail' stick#i'm cured. no more unnecessary mental turmoil for me#anyway this is secret shhhhh#shut up vic#block game brainrot#like i don't know how he did during the legendary rp serieses he did back then but holy MOTHER OF PEARL he's an amazing rp'er now#this is not a controversial statement and if you think it is meet me behind the chili's and prepare to forfeit your teeth#question; in brazil what restaurant/food joint/location is the designated brawl zone#like usa tends to be waffle house or chili's or denny's or like. a cracker barrel if you're feeling wild#if you're a brazilian inviting somebody to fight you irl as a meme what do you tell them#(if you are not brazilian but read these tags and want to answer with your unique location go for it i love learning)#long tags#i should be asleep tbh but my brain is like 'heeheehee 2012 never left us <3'#gnight friends like this post if you too would have had a celebrity crush on pactw at age 11 or would theoretically have one at age Now lmao
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I FINALLY REALISED WHY EVERYONE BEING SO CAUGHT UP ABOUT CLARK HAVING SECRETS ANNOYED ME SO MUCH BTW. ITS LIKE BEING FORCED OUT THE CLOSET THANK YOU
#smallville#helena talks to the void#like. its not what they intended but by god does it come across that way#i was racking my brain for MONTHS trying to figure out why it irked me so much that chloe/lana keep pushing clark to tell them his secret#and was like i would never its none of my business#and now i know!! its bc im queer!! and i wouldnt expect someone to tell me and wouldnt be offended if they didnt immediately tell me!!#also its fucked uo that pete was like “why didnt you tell me sooner” like clark himself didnt find out he was a whole alien a month ago#and not just A Strong Fast Guy#i could probably write something more eloquent but yeah. clark queer allegory send tweet
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Can't believe Scar saw a rapidly approaching, dishevled mumbo and went "he's so cute." I need to run unorthodox experiments on them.
IKR SAME OMG
They’re literally perfect for each other <- delusional
But seriously they have so much lore together in my silly brain and the few interactions they do have (WHICH HAS BEEN INCREASING A LOT LATELY MAY I ADD) has been FUELING the fire rapidly and gods gods GODS do I have many thoughts about them
#literally making an illustration type comic on Mumbos whole vampire timeline#Scar will be next with his vex schenanigans..#the worst part is I always cycle like three to five different backstory’s in my brain for these two I CANNOT decide#but now that I’ve written a short ficlet (that no one will see unless asked) abt a few scenes of Mumbos backstory I think I’m pretty set on-#-his part#Scar tho??? no clue#I have the Hotguy backstory (which I daydream about WAY too much) I have the apocalypse backstory. I have the single player raised by villa-#-gers for years and years cuz his mom dropped him off in the single player world when Scar wasn’t conscidered a player yet since he was an-#-infant cuz it was a teen pregnancy and she was too scared to tell anyone so she just dropped him off with the villagers never to be seen#again. and since it was technically HER single player world when Scar DID grow up old enough to be recognized as a player he couldn’t#access any of the 'exit world' stuff or anything like that since it wasn’t his world#and then like a watcher or smth pulled him out of it so that Scar could be put through the horrors of gun related things for experimentstuff#and then there’s the backstory of where scar IS a watcher. like not a person turned watcher he was BORN (if you could say that) a watcher#and like the other watchers wanted to do an experiment of basically 'could a watcher if stripped of its memories and placed in a people-#-world be able to produce its own feelings and emotions?' and so they did that to Scar but they didn’t place him there as a baby no. they#placed him there as a full grown man so bros even more confused. and when the life series stuff started he had exactly one ☝️ dream per#Series and it was tiny little snippets of his watcher self but he didn’t know that it’s him but like he felt a strange pull towards these#dreams so that’s basically the reason why he kept coming back to the life games even tho they hurt him deeply as we all know#and then when he won secret life the secret keeper asked him what his wish was now that he’s won and he didn’t ask to know who he was and#where he came from (since he just appeared one day as a full grown man with no identification) since he’s made peace with that maybe it is#better not to know. so instead he asked abt the dreams he always has in these series and wth their abt and the context and stuff#and then BAM the secret keeper just drops all that information on him and he has an identity crises :D#anyways. I put both of these guys through many horrors I just have so many ideas for scar specifically. oh also there’s that backstory where#hes an assasin guy and he feels rlly guilty abt it when he gets split in half (gtws and btws) cuz like he has morals now apparently?? also#it explains the scammer stuff cuz he was a HUGE scammer bacl them#asks#hermitcraft#goodtimeswithscar#mumbo jumbo#redscape
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.
I didnt know the tags woulr be so much i shouldve just wrote a long vent 😭😭😭 rip
#lol. there are still times where my brain goes omg what if you’re really a narc#and then i go out of my way to make sure my friends are as comfortable as possible and thati meet all their needs and i apologize every few#minutes for something silly or for maybe hurting them unintentionally and then i remember of#every fallout w people in my life where i was always taking responsibility for my actions n for my role to what led to the fallouts no#matter how toxic the person was and i remember all the times i geniunely apologized to my siblings for my mistakes (without them pointing#out i did smth wrong) and i remember all the tomes someone told me i hurt them and i owned up to it and apologized and then i go#oh ywa. maybe not ?#bonus: all the times i helped someone out in secret to bring some ease in their life without ever telling them or bragging eith it or#using it against them or reminding them that i did x y z for them#and then all the times where my guilt ate me up at nights and i cried and the times where i brought out the best of people because my love#is Nuturing. yea#AND I GUESS THE FACT THAT MY EX BEST FRIEND TOLD ME IM A NARC AND I STRAIGHT UP WENT OMG YEA! PROBABLY! BECAUSE I WOULDVE BELIEVED HER#ANYTHING 😭😭😭😭 BECAUSE INWAS SO SURE SHE KNEW ME BETTER THAN I KNEW MYSELF! 😭😭😭#BECAUSE I HAD LOST MYSELF COMPLETELY IN THE FRIENDSHIP 😭😭😭😭 NOT VERY NARC OF ME 😭😭😭😭😭😭#but yea. i guess abandonment issues apathy and lack of communication skills (which leads to passive aggressivness) will make you look like a#narc i get where she came from! but still. if i ever see someone diagnose other people i will simply tell them to shut up#especially based on sentences taken out of context. not very sexy#and also very stupid.#rationally seen i shouldve kicked out the thought that im probably not one when my therapist told me theres no chance i am but. when you get#treated like a freaking mondter from the people you’ve trusted deeply. it does something to you >.>#also when my therapist said that she has No rights to make Any diagnosis or statements about other people because whatever i tell her its#going to tell her more about me than them. i shouldve just dtopped believing it honestly. like freaking sideeye to those therapists thst#told my ex friends im a narc. and a big fat kiss to my therapist for being such a beautiful empathstic underztanding patient beautiful and#kind person#alhamdulillah ^-^#kicked out the thought thst i am one *#and also a big fat sorry for being hsving no empathy. my communication skills are getting brtter and im working on my abandonment issues#(sfter being abandoned by my closest friends and family hello this is so sexy of me) and im soooo much more st peace w myself n i like and#care aboyt myself ^-^ even just writing a list of positive things ahout me is smth i wouldve never done two years ago#(also my family took me back alhamdulillah eheh)
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i have a new theory for aru sekai fans & by new i mean someone else might have caught on already but i havent seen it said SO. the rute furutewoa melody is in kyuuyaku, touhikou, & now kannagi (maybe elsewhere bc i havent been looking for this motif before i only realized it today really & i havent had time to go thru all the songs again yet) & we have kyuu (past), something in touhikou im too tired to remember currently but i remember calling something similar a while ago when someone asked if there was a timeline to this, and now kannagi that uses the older language so im willing to bet this motif is a way of saying the events in the song happened in the "past". whether thats actually Long Ago or just to say its not the current situation or just happened before the songs without it i cant say for sure but i think it makes sense given what we have now.
just like we have the nami no ne no motif that signals which characters still have their "self" if its in the song or lost it if its not.
i have to do some more digging of course but with what i know right now this makes the most sense to me
#aru sekai series#u know those old people who say they do crosswords to keep their brain sharp. thats what this series feels like to me.#incredibly complex puzzle to put together in which i need to be constantly learning new things & concepts#anyway for some reason i feel like theres a link to ashura that im not touching on too but idk for sure yet#there is. something about ashura that drives me insane bc it FEELS familiar there IS. SOME sort of motif or theme or SOMETHING there#i KNOW it but i can never place WHAT it makes me rabid.#tell me your secrets puppet girl#also btw kannagi i think also ties into touhikou. given the art & that line thats like prayer will come to sustain us or whatever it is#its 2am ive had a long day i dont remember the exact thing rn. usually i check before posting but please excuse me just this once#i wish i could make friends with the jpn magu fans who also go wild over the lore but idk how to find them. its always like one off comments#sorry i didnt really go wild over yamete kudasai. it just felt rather straight forward & didnt give any big reveals that i know of#so i just kind of went ah neat & looped it for a while#but kannagi. kannagi's got the puzzle aspect back & a WHOLE BUNCH of links to other songs. & thats without knowing the lyrics#but also u know kyuuyaku's my fave so having this be closely related is a big 👀👀👀 for me#i saw someone try to say kannagis the ka in the amakakeru arc of songs (if that is a real arc. it Is a fan theory idk how accurate tho)#but that wouldnt be right bc we already have kanon for the ka.#if there are arcs like that i think itd be in with whatever ashura's in. even tho ashura is a 5 kanji song and kannagis only 1
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im putting it all together & it's rocking my world
#wow wow wow#there is such a gravity to it all and i can feel that but i am also so amused and find it kinda funny#in a way like damn they rly kept that secret locked in a box in another dimension#also i knewwww there was shit in my moms life that would help explain her more but that i would never know#this gives me some more context and i can start to make out some contours but theres still so much i dont know#i have such a morbid curiosity to jump into my moms brain and learn what made her who she is#we have a strained relationship so i want to understand and i also have a lot of sympathy and wish life had been easier/freer for her#but she also makes my life so difficult sometimes#and i wish i knew her when she was young and happy#my aunt was like i cant believe i told u this dont tell anyone#we had some misunderstanding and she thought i said i knew so she kept going and i was not understanding#so i kept asking what and who and finally got it#lmaooo#shes so cute
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i guess if i had criticisms of or like. wishes. for the writing on shtola it would be that i would like to see more how her being blind actually affects her and for her to face something that really made her struggle with her convictions
#like. aang i guess is the only example off the top of my head agdhsjsj#the problem is that shtola convictions don’t really lend themselves to struggle bc her convictions are things like#‘i want to know the secret at the heart of the world. i want to know the truth.’#which is a lot harder to challenge than like ‘i refuse to kill anyone including the fire lord’ lmao#like someone who is always open to learning is going to be difficult to challenge that way#or maybe she could have something she really wants to do not work out#idk just like something that’s not easily solved?? a long term emotional arc like thancred gets in shb#idek what it would be though i need to think more#she does have some growth like she was never really a *leader* necessarily before shb and in 5.3 she tells you#to make sure she makes time for things that aren’t books lol#she does get a lot of screen time and i love her dearly obviously which is why i want a little more for her you know??#idk if any of this makes sense…let shtola struggle more basically but she doesn’t have to *change*#it’s 12:20 am idk if this makes sense i’ll probs delete it in the morning im just talking to myself shdjsjdc#i need a text post tag#brain just going back and forth between shtola and estinien and i didn’t see him today but i did see her!
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[earlier today]
me, excited that I’m about to drop some insight into why it’s different than my aunt thinks, these parents have to spend every day full of massive fear and guilt and suffering because they think they’ve failed their kid and the kid is going to suffer for eternity: yeah so that’s where there’s a disconnect for her, because the media they were being fed by, especially in the 80s and 90s, you know, it all trains them into the mentality of—
my aunt, who rarely takes any hard stances on any family things I mention or say, cutting me off to say: No, no, no, no, no, don’t tell yourself that they were manipulated or brainwashed, they chose to move further into that. Everybody got that media. They chose what they wanted to be told. Your mom could have gotten any other media and it was her choice to pick those things because they fit with what beliefs she was getting strongly back into at the time, and she chose that. She had the choice every time, no one brainwashed her or your dad they picked that media on purpose and decide what they want to let themselves hear
my brain, after a two second pause of genuine thought train derailing over a bridge into the abyss: —that’s WORSE!!!!!!!! that’s worse! oh my god! no, aunt p, that’s worse!!
me, physically:
what I had planned on explaining was something like: so that’s where there’s a disconnect for her, because the media they were being fed by, especially in the 80s and 90s, you know, it all trains them into the mentality of “it doesn’t matter how good or selfless or accomplished or successful your kid is in this life if he’s in mortal sin because he’ll still suffer for all eternity in the next life even if he was a great feed the needy and homeless person in this one. the concept of your kid no matter how happy they seemed being doomed to hell if you don’t convince them back onto the straight and righteous they’ll just condemn themselves to be lost forever and you’re just guaranteed to lose them. FAILURE”
what I got chair-to-the-face crimed with instead was:
“your parents are completely responsible for their own warped understandings of the world and chose to make it so”
+
“I was never enough to make them change”
and just, GEEZ, 🥲😰
#maybe let’s slow down a little hey brain?#why don’t you take a nice Secret Food Stash comfort protein bar and then maybe you’ll calm down#oof#BIG oof#massive. even major oof#shh katie#i leave the guest room engage in three conversations and then start a fourth and IMMEDIATELY take 40 damage#shut up katie#so what I’m hearing is…they could change NOW too and they just won’t except in baby step good ways#when…they COULD have had a moment of realization that their worldview must be wrong or at least a little lacking#and I’ve explained some things to them about how much xyz things hurt me and explained those examples#beginning to end so there was a clear picture of cause and effect and#they’re actively deciding over and over to never think their side is wrong?#they are behaving differently now#and not nearly pulling through on the disgust and threats they used to imply for any gay family situation#but like. it’s so confusing. they’re working on it and they’re making progress adjusting and they’re definitely trying to tell me all the#chances they have that they always love me and are proud of me and stuff and love and accept me#but like#i know they follow the hard line of church teaching#and wouldn’t come to my wedding or anything#and can’t support me in these ways#but they do still love me and don’t seem to actually treat me any difffernrtly#but they say they do believe in and follow the church teachings#and stuff#i know it’s not reasonable to ask them to become atheists and relearn all of human history and their own brainwashing but#i feel like they COULD be doing more to change their minds#but they can’t accept that their foundational belief is wrong#and so they can’t even begin to tackle any sub-beliefs that stem from it#because they’d have to call the underlying premise flawed for that#and they can’t do so
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