messing around 🩷

Recently have gotten the opportunity to talk to an autistic acquaintance of mine

It kind of was crazy how instantly I clicked with him- we were able to get into super interesting discussions both about autism and the diagnostic process as well as a really good political discussion.

Even though in many ways our lives are vastly different we had so many shared experiences and perspectives. I felt like I could just share stuff without reservations or feeling like I have to over explain

So yeah here’s my rendition of autism to autism communication

wowee!!!

autistic friendship.

autistic YOU!

it was just a joke at first then i made more aurism (/ij) emojis...send help.

she can't tie the mask tail into those cute bows for the life of her but aoi is a life saver so

<3 also theyre a team now im pretty sure since we tied x3

[ aoi is @teenagemutanttransgenderturtles's babygirl]

fun fact i guess, drawing bows is super hard 4 me so when i was making my designs 4 my 2012 rewrite au thingy i just made it part of the lore. but now that i can draw bows better im not planing on changing its design, i think its silly that leenna can't tie her mask all pretty even tho shes good at everything else. so im not planing on changing it! (unless april or mikey helps her, star is gonna have her goofy loose half bow :3)

✨AUTISTIC GUYS✨

idk why I made this tbh

I have realized I need more friends, especially a specific type of friend (chill, positive, very nice and gentle, shares interest in my interests, etc) so I've been putting a lot of time and effort and energy into trying to make a new friend, but I don't think it's working D: I genuinely don't know how to do it. I used to ask people if we can be friends but learned thats not correct and even got called creepy for it before...so i'm just exhausting myself for no reason because nothing is being reciprocated the way I want or need it to be.

i'm trying to learn about the person and tailoring my scripts to match them and what they seem to like about people they are friends with. but so far i'm not getting much reaction outside of general kind acknowledgment that all random strangers get. i'm trying so hard not to ramble or rant about anything or be "too negative" like i've been called many times for simply stating a related/relatable fact about myself. i'm trying to ask questions more questions like ive been told to do. i'm saying nice and positive things whenever I get the chance like i always do. i'm doing all the things people have advised me to do when ive asked advice, but it still feels like i'm looking through a window and not allowed to walk through the door! but see everyone else getting invited inside. I genuinely don't know what to do and how to make it better 🥲

when I look back in the past and how I made friends or starter talking to people, it always came from trauma bonding....often it would start from or be carried along by a shared interest, but one of the dominating factors was always trauma bonding and ramling and ranting at each other about the trauma we have gone through that relates to each other. I felt like I needed it at the time and felt like it helped, but now i've reached a point where it's too exhausting to go through repeated exposure to trauma stories and reexperiencing ny own traumas. plus it usually ends in failure and me adding more trauma to my plate because they have issues and lash them out at me, or decide they are upset that I have my own issues they trigger, and I do not want to do that anymore.

I don't want to befriend people through or to trauma bond. I don't want to befriend people who only want to talk about negative things or people who bring out those things in me. I want some positive and chill and fun friends. but I genuinely do not know how else to make friends. I don't know how to do it right. I don't know how to talk to people correctly. I don't know how to do any of this without trauma dumping/ l listening to trauma dumping and using that as the gateway to form friendships.

I don't know how to have friends that don't share same interests either, but I have realized that's only part of it. that part is fine I think. maybe that's the normal part. (it's my autistic intensity that's the "not normal" part and losing friends as soon as one of us loses that interest) but how do I befriend someone positively off of similar interests only, and not drop my dark lore or avoid letting them drop their dark lore and using that as the bridge? I simply can't figure out how to connect with people in any other way than the whole "I understand what you're going through/you're not alone/I'm here for you/this is a safe space you can come to" thing I tried building up my whole life. but that's only been exhausting and leads to dead ends.

I don't know how to form strong and positive connections with other humans, despite following every tutorial and advice I could find. I even tried heavily masking and learned I'm just no good at it, and I can't figure out if i've acted myself out of a personality, or if it's just a dissociative disorder causing me to have like 20 different ones (working with therapist now who is evaluating me for osdd/did because she says my dissociative levels are concerning. and honestly i feel like part if not all of it is due to my negative people experiences....so i really need positive ones!) i've been trying to keep all my rambles and rants and negative thoughts and feelings to this blog only. i'm not here on this blog to make friends. this is purely for me and myself and I. if anyone relates they are welcome to reply/comment or send an ask and share, but i'm not going to pursue a friendship over it.

I only want to accept positive and chill and fun friendships over my special interests and smaller interests (I have a whole other blog for just those) BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT. NOTHING ANYONE TELLS ME WORKS. i'm trying so hard to bond over interests with people but just cannot form any connections no matter how hard I try. it remains me being the only one to ever reach out and give (time/energy/attention/etc) while they can easily have 4747373 other friends and people they enjoy and care about and talk to and hang out with. so I don't think it's them. it has to be me. (I've had people saying it's not me, it's the people I try to talk to and I need to find other people. or even "the right people" but i'm not told how to do that or what it means. and i've spent years flipping through people like clothes on a rack and it's so tiring!!!!!)

don't know know what to do or how to do it, but need human interaction and genuine strong connection and can't force self stop craving that 😭😭😭😭😭

being my friend is like i love you dearly i would die for you i would kill for you i would weather every storm with you in my arms now i know it's 2 am but do you want to see this horrible meme i found and hear about my hyperfixations again

my spidersona and pavitr ... they are autistic besties

FRIEND!!!!!!!

thank god for autistic friends. thank god for clear communication and truthfully talking about feelings. thank god for parallel play and comfortable silence. thank god for shared interests and infodumping together and enjoying “cringe” things. thank god for understanding and acceptance. thank god for outcasts of the world looking out for other outcasts.

Riz Gukgak has never been more relatable. Everyone cares more about their romantic lives than their friends.

i cannot begin to express what being friends with other autistic (queer) women means to me at this point in my life. i’m not exaggerating at all when i say it feels like finally being able to breathe. i’m so used to masking in friendships and the fact that everything i say to my current autistic friends is not eclipsed by an inherent layer of differing communication styles and hardcore masking from my end is…..literally life changing. like you’re telling me this is how other people have been feeling with their close friends their whole life? like actually comfortable and for the most part understood? there’s this intrinsic level of Being Liked that i feel from my autistic friends that i just never felt from people before. like i just never had any wiggle room/benefit of the doubt from allistic friends growing up and it felt like i couldn’t have a bad day or be quiet or unmask in front of them bc i was already on thin ice. i just! love autistic friendship! and autistic culture!!! this is life saving

Could be because like all my friends are neurodivergent… but

My friend allowed me to leave my stuff in her house for the summer.

(It’s a shared house and I would be moving from one shared apartment to another but I didn’t have any storage over summer and I could keep it there)

Her roomie, one of my besties too, was there to open the door so I could bring the last things in.

(I moved my stuff from their living room to my friend’s room and the new stuff in there too,)

and sat down on the couch with my friend who had helped me carry stuff.

Then sat for a bit, and I was tired and kinda wanted to leave but I didn’t want my bestie to think I had just come for that. My friend kinda wanted to leave cause we had stuff to do.

And thank fuck, my bestie said “so could you leave now?”

Rude? For allistic people. Amazing for us. She set a clear boundary and we were all on the same page and ugh it was fantastic

This is an appreciation post for my friend @sapphicstruggle who plays neurodivergent ping pong with me about our hyperfixations and sends me hot edits of Matthew Lillard in return I send her saw memes and cure edits of Josh Huterson

Every bisexual needs a sapphic weirdo friend

reminder part 33584653498 to partake in your friend's special interests. idc if you know nothing about it. what's the point in having friends if you can't learn about legend of zelda tears of the kingdom mechanics from them