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vaxieth · 8 months

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because something really did ask, have a much too long post about my thoughts on laudna’s individual dynamics with the rest of bells hells.

under the cut because it’s almost 3000 words.

laudna/imogen

i struggle to find something to say about imogen and laudna that hasn’t already been said a million times before. the core concept—the thesis—of their arcs, together and separately, is choice. so much of their backstories are defined by helplessness. laudna was chosen and killed because she happened to look like someone else, she was resurrected because she happened to be there. imogen’s mother left, she was burdened with powers she didn’t understand and meant constant pain and isolation. so, they make sure to constantly emphasize that the other person has a choice in everything. imogen tells laudna she only has to come back if she wants to, even though it would have devastated her to lose laudna forever. laudna tells imogen that the gods can’t control her, that no matter what her “destiny” is, if she wants, they can leave and live in a little cottage and raise horses together. the way they love each other unconditionally is all the more incredible given how cruel the world was to them for so long. laudna’s “you make me better” is true for both of them. they give each other a place to be vulnerable and feel all their messiest, worst feelings because they know the other one won’t judge them. they’ll support each other no matter the choices they make.

something i’ve mentioned quite a few times but never gone in depth about is that imogen and laudna do have a fairly significant age difference, and i do think that affects their dynamic. on the one hand, they both have a bit of arrested development—imogen due to her isolation from the rest of gelvaan from 18-26, laudna because she died at 20. on the other, laudna has so much more life experience than imogen. she spent almost 30 years traveling and interacting with the world even if was mostly people trying to kill her, maybe even because of that. the “laudna is imogen’s aunt/mother/older sister” takes were obviously ridiculous, but laudna does canonically look at imogen and see someone young who she wants to protect in a way she never was. she said as much to fcg after the gnarlrock fight. laudna acts as imogen’s rock, her tether if you will, a lot of the time, and part of the reason she can counterbalance imogen’s anxiety is because of the experience that comes with age. for example, during their conversation in episode 49, laudna is able to stay more “rational” and level-headed even when imogen is scared and overwhelmed.

one of my other favorite things about them, specifically from laudna’s point of view, is that with a few exceptions (the gnarlrock fight, her jealousy of frida), she doesn’t seem insecure about their relationship. again, during episode 49, laudna mentions that she knows they haven’t talked in a while, but she didn’t worry because they “transcend words.” she didn’t need outside assurance from imogen because she felt confident in their love for each other. something i love about that episode 39-49 period is that they didn’t interact a lot, but when they did, they slipped right about in the same kind of intimacy they’d always had—imogen holding launda’s hand when they went into her dream together, laudna’s protectiveness of imogen after she interacted with ludinus. but anyway—that confidence is why i believe the transition from friends to lovers was so easy for laudna. laudna’s unsure of herself, of delilah and what she might do, but she’s absolutely not unsure of the love between her and imogen. that’s why as soon as imogen tells her she’s not a bad person, that she wants to be with laudna in that way, she lets herself embrace it entirely.

in conclusion: they invented romance, they’re the best canon pairing critical role has ever had and one of the best dynamics in general, etc., etc.

laudna/orym

oh my god, WHERE to begin? i feel like my take on their dynamic is slightly controversial. at the very least, i get more push back from people when i post about it than anything else, so let me start with this: orym cares deeply about laudna, i will never dispute that. however, orym is uncomfortable with laudna and has been since the very beginning of the campaign. she’s his friend and he recognizes her beautiful heart and resilient spirit, but he’s uncomfortable with her appearance and her messages in his head, with her macabre humor and her deadness. he can’t reconcile that laudna his friend and laudna the dead woman can’t be separated. laudna’s deadness is a part of her, one laudna embraces. orym, for better or worse, is “normal.” he grew up with a loving family and he had a husband and a career. will and derrig’s deaths were an unbelievable tragedy but one that never challenged his place within the status quo. (sidenote: i’ve always wondered if part of orym’s discomfort with laudna come from the fact that her proximity to death is a reminder of the resurrections will and derrig never got.) he sees himself as a follower, someone that doesn’t stand out, then there’s laudna, who does nothing but stand out.

something i find fascinating is that orym is the first person to find out laudna’s backstory, and it affects him so much he can’t sleep that night and takes a point of exhaustion. he even explicitly recognizes the dehumanization she’s gone through and how laudna’s relationship with puppets like pate and sashimi mirror that. yet, he still never apologizes for trying to disguise her appearance, something without even asking. yes, i get it’s tactical and for “safety” (though that argument falls a bit flat for me when there’s also a glowing rock person and a fully conscious automaton in the group, but whatever), but it still hurts laudna. even beyond that, orym always qualifies his friendship with laudna to other person, making some mention of how she’s dead-looking and isn’t that crazy, wow, almost as if he wants some validation that it—laudna—is weird (one he, interestingly, rarely ever gets, given how enraptured most of the other pcs, including guests, and even some npcs, are with her). he does this even in situations he absolutely doesn’t need to like, for example, when maeve says laudna “looks cooler than i thought.” all this just sucks. it’s not that the love isn’t there, it is. it just isn’t unconditional, and laudna deserves better than that.

finally: the delilah in the room. no, it isn’t orym’s “fault” delilah is back. yes, he was also having an extremely bad time during the bor’dor fight and it wasn’t his “responsibility” to save laudna from herself, but laudna is orym’s friend. he listened to laudna tell him the trauma delilah put her through, he fought through hell to save laudna from her, and still nodded because part of him thought maybe delilah could help him and that was selfish. the fight against ludinus is important to of the bells, but for orym, it’s personal. it’s been his mission for six years. meanwhile, laudna is the one with the least enthusiasm about this. she has no connection to the gods. in fact, she actively thinks they dislike her, but he’s willing to sacrifice not just his safety, but the safety of her and all his friends for a cause they never set out to fight for.

in conclusion: i want to put them in a salad mixer together and watch them go around and around and around and around and around, then let them out to scream at each other a little.

laudna/ashton

if i had to explain laudna and ashton’s dynamic in one word, it would be “projection.” i adore their relationship, it’s one of my top 5 c3 dynamics, but oh my god, so much projection, and it’s so interesting because of that. ashton thinks he understands laudna, but in reality, he doesn’t at all. i’m an absolute sucker for characters that look very different on the surface but in reality are much more similar than they know, and ashton and laudna are that to a tee. they are very much narrative parallels especially regarding their feelings of “brokenness” and how their traumas are physical, visual parts of themselves, but the ways they diverge are almost more interesting.

certain people have said that her conversations with ashton are the only time laudna is “honest” or that, at the very least, she’s more honest with him than she is with anyone else, and i couldn’t disagree more. laudna can be a joyful, optimistic person and deeply traumatized with a core anger she hasn’t truly processed. laudna is a high-charisma character, and in my opinion, part of how that manifests is her ability to adapt her demeanor to the person she’s talking to. she speaks gently to imogen the same way she matches chetney’s hyperactive energy when they go sky-sailing. of course when she’s with ashton, who makes no effort to hide his anger and bitterness and doesn’t want her to be soft, she isn’t. none of these laudnas are more “real” than the others, they’re all laudna. what those people, and ironically, ashton themself, don’t get, or won’t let himself get, is that all those things can be true at once.

with ashton specifically, i don’t think they want to believe that because then they’d have to admit that growth and healing is a real possibility because anger is so much easier to deal with. people talk most about orym’s choices during the bor’dor fight most, but i’m fascinated by ashton’s as well. i wouldn’t be surprised if there was a part, no matter how small, that wanted laudna to break, to prove to himself that he was right and laudna was just as broken and fucked-up as them. so, laudna killing bor’dor was almost vindication, evidenced by their “what have i done?” “nothing i haven’t done.” exchange afterwards.

i don’t want this to sound like ashton doesn’t care about launda, they do. ashton cares about her so much, and besides imogen and fearne, is the most unabashedly into laudna’s aesthetic. i love how much they love all the weird shit she does. i love how protective ashton is of laudna, especially during battles and their willingness to go above and beyond for her—he carried laudna when she was dead despite his chronic pain without complaining once and were willing to make a deal with hexum after going through an entire museum heist to repay their debt. i love the moments when ashton sees how much laudna is struggling and tells her, as gently as he can, to take a moment and do what she can to ground herself. i love that when laudna way too dramatically assumes they kidnapped imogen, their response is “that’s very fair.” it’s all wonderful, and i love them.

in conclusion: I LOVE THEM SO MUCH AND I WANT TO LOCK THEM IN A ROOM AND FORCE THEM TO TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS FOR HOURS.

laudna/fcg

laudna and fcg have been getting more attention in the past few days for obvious reasons and that has me rubbing my hands together maniacally because even though they have very little actual interaction, the subtext is delicious.

besides ashton, fcg might be the character laudna parallels the most, especially their struggle with their humanity (if they’re even human at all), which isn’t helped by the constant dehumanization they face from outsiders, including the almost continuous comments they get when they meet someone new. people look at launda and see a horror while they look at fcg and see a novelty (he’s a robot with personality??), and those both suck. i think, for fcg, laudna is an uncomfortable reflection of himself because everything they’re afraid is true about themself is true about laudna. finding out they had a soul was such an important moment for his character (also remember his early campaign habit of calling other people “soul-touched folks”). as a hollow one, who knows if laudna even has a soul. if i’m honest, fcg seems to think less of laudna than the rest of the party (see: him calling her a “former person,” his speech before casting turn undead including, “no offense to laudna but can you please shine your light and wipe these evil, dead souls off the face of this flat planet?”) and that’s probably why. they have such strict ideas about “good,” which has become “godly,” and “wrong,” (“ungodly”), and within that framework, everything seemed to point to laudna as “ungodly,” which is why their empathy towards her is lacking.

the biggest conflict between fcg and laudna right now is obviously their feelings on the gods. the changebringer brought fcg purpose and tangibly helps them on a daily basis. of course they want to share this incredible thing with everyone they meet, especially his friends. yet, time-and-time again, the world has shown laudna the gods don’t seem to care about her. before someone says anything, pike resurrecting laudna doesn’t automatically mean she has to trust the gods. clerics and paladins spent 30 years running her out of towns for existing and trying to kill her in the name of their gods. if the circumstances were different, there’s a good chance fcg could have been one of those people. for fcg, the world is black-and-white. for laudna, it’s all gray. laudna was able to have a conversation with imogen about the ruby vanguard’s message and the purpose of the gods because she understands the need to question things and thinks that’s a good thing even if she doesn’t agree with the conclusions. fcg’s not there yet, and until he is, their friendship with laudna will never be able to progress past where it is now.

in conclusion: please have a conversation, maybe even two or three. it’d be so good for fcg to learn the world’s incredible nuances and for laudna to see how faith in the gods can be an empowering force for good, not just something beyond her grasp.

laudna/fearne

out of all launda’s dynamics, this is the one i desperately want more of. we’ve gotten so little! almost all their moments are interactions between the three witches that tend to center imogen (making the red-string friendship bracelets and comforting imogen after she talked with relvin come to mind) OR center imogen and fearne’s mutual appreciation for laudna’s… everything. one of my favorite about fearne is that, like imogen, she doesn’t think laudna is gross and creepy, she thinks laudna is gorgeous and charming without any caveats. even ashton, who also loves laudna’s laudnaness, tends more towards “yeah, you’re disgusting and THAT’S why it’s great.”

the other main part of their dynamic i want to sink my teeth into is the coin-toss, more specifically fearne’s guilt over the coin toss. regardless of whether you think fearne lied (i personally find that headcanon FASCINATING but to each their own), she clearly feels so many emotions about having to pick whether to save laudna and orym that she hasn’t even begun to unpack. one of the few sole moments we’ve gotten of them was in episode 42 when laudna asked fearne to help teach her to cast fireball, and in it, fearne, unprompted, blurts out, “how’s it feel being alive again?” almost immediately. she also apologizes to laudna, says they’ll fight any piece of delilah that’s still in there, and tells her, “i missed you terribly for that moment in time.” even when laudna gives her the chance to make the conversation light-hearted, fearne stays so genuine, which is all the more-noteworthy because she’s usually so flippant and almost always keeps her real feelings close to her chest.

some other examples of fearne’s guilt include: the 4sd where ashley said part of why she was so protective over imogen during their separation arc was that she couldn’t bear having to tell laudna anything happened to her and just this past episode when fearne’s protectiveness after laudna made her only cast first-level cure wounds on fcg after they cast turn undead.

in conclusion: PLEASE LET THEM INTERACT MORE. THERE’S SO MUCH JUICY POTENTIAL AND I WANT TO SEE IT EXPLORED.

laudna/chetney

i don’t have that much to say about them except that their dynamic is absolutely delightful. i love that we’ve gotten to see more of it in recent episodes, and i hope that continues.

chetney exists at an interesting place between orym’s genuine discomfort and fearne and imogen’s complete enchantment with laudna’s undeadness. he is sometimes grossed out, but he also seems to accept it as a thing about laudna without too much judgment, or at least, that “judgment” is light-hearted in a way orym’s or even fcg’s isn’t.

i love that they’re the characters with the most life experience (even if laudna is technically the fourth oldest, fcg only has two years of memory and fearne is a 100+ but spent 99% of that time in one place) but also embrace being “childish” and silly together, like the entire sky-sail sequence!

in conclusion: *gently holds* i just think they’re neat!

that’s all! if you read this whole thing, you get my eternal love and gratitude. thank you.

#laudna #imodna #laudmoore #orym #fresh cut grass #fearne calloway #chetney pock o'pea #bells hells #critical role #my posts #textpost #i’m weirdly more nervous about posting this on here than on twitter #but i spent like three hours writing and am pretty proud of the result #in case it isn’t clear i want to reiterate that i love ALL these characters #including orym and fcg #but they aren’t perfect #that’s what makes their dynamics so interesting!

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cycat4077 · 2 years

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Hello. So I have this thought that maybe Sonny Carisi is comforting his best friend after another awful date or break up. She's upset because she thought she be settled, married and have children by now. He also thought he'd be settled etc as well.

So they jokingly make this deal that if they aren't both married by a certain age, they will get married.

Totally makes her laugh and kind of cheers her up. But he's totally crushing on her. Time passes they are both still very much single and are now both much still crushing on each other.

So now they are like what should we do? It was a joke right. He doesn't feel that way....

I'm sooooo sorry that this took so long to reply to. I really wanted to write a little ficlet for it and even started it...but I got super busy with school stuff that I lost motivation for this. So, I scrapped the original and jotted this down. Hope it's okay! I really love this idea and think Sonny would be the mushiest romantic over something like this ♥

When you call Sonny up he's there in record time. He's always been there for you and a bad breakup is no different. Being with the same person for nearly 3 years really got you thinking about the future. Marriage, kids and nearing 30, they seemed like reasonable things to think about.

But Sonny reassures you that it's not your fault. That the guy you were dating was manipulative and tried to dictate your life too much and that you shouldn't feel ashamed for standing up for yourself and leaving.

Sonny wants nothing more than to blurt out his feelings for you. He's the one person who has supported you unconditionally for years - through the good and the bad - and it's through that close friendship that Sonny knows he loves you. Except, now isn't the right time to say it. You are emotionally vulnerable and he would never want to take advantage of that vulnerability for his own gain. Besides, would you even like him like that if you had a clear head?

Instead, Sonny simply listens intently and reassures you of your decisions. You tell him about your fear of getting older and not finding someone to settle down with, which tugs at his heart strings even more.

Finally the tears turn to laughter and you blurt out what's meant to be a joke: "Let's make a deal, Son," you smirk. "If neither of us are married in say, 7 years? Then we marry each other, 'kay?"

"Why 7 years?" questions Sonny.

"That's the part you're hung up on?!" you giggle.

Suddenly the chuckles devolve into something different. There's a tension in the air. The space between the two of you suddenly feels heated. You don't know what it is but you can't help but look into Sonny's eyes which seem somehow even more alive.

You abruptly avert your gaze and quietly thank him for being there for you. Sonny reiterates that there is no thanks needed. He will always be there for you. The two of you share an embrace before he leaves for the night.

The years pass by and the two of you devote yourselves to your careers; Sonny even becomes an ADA. This new focus causes you to see less and less of each other, but as the old saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Sure you try dating, but no one seems to fit together with you like Sonny does. And it suddenly dawns on you that you had made a promise 7 years prior.

Your heart thunders thinking about it. All these years, you realize that it was him you liked - loved. He's the person who can make you smile and can make you feel whole when you've been torn down. Plus, his hugs are the absolute best thing in the universe!

The question is, does he feel the same? If he hasn't said anything after all these years it must be because he thinks of you as only a friend...right?

---

Sonny hears a knock on his apartment door and jogs over to answer it. He wasn't expecting company and had been neck deep in reviewing the legalities of his latest case.

But it's you. Immediately he opens the door and asks if everything is okay. Afterall, your infrequent visits are normally scheduled into your busy lives.

You simply say that you need to talk.

No questions asked, he welcomes you inside. Busy as you two may be, if it is important you are there for one another.

"Sonny," you begin softly. "Do you remember that breakup I had 7 years ago?" He nods affirmatively. "Well, we made a promise that day - I guess it was kind of a joke, but it's been on my mind lately."

Sonny swallows thickly. He knows the exact promise you are referring to. It's haunted him for 7 years.

"I - I guess we're 7 years older and both still single."

Sonny's heart feels like it's about to beat right out of his chest.

"I not here to demand we get married or anything crazy like that," you play with your shirt hem nervously. "But I think I need to tell you something and I hope it won't change our friendship. I - um, well...It's you, Son. It's always been you. I wasted so much time looking for something that had been right in front of my nose the whole time. There's no one I care more about and no one who makes me feel more cared about than you. I think I'm in lo-"

"I love you, too," blurts Sonny, unable to hide the brightest of smiles.

#my fanfic #an ask! in my askbox #misscharlielulu #sonny carisi #sonny carisi x reader

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heretichromia · 5 months

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I'm pretty happy with where the Star Rail metagame has landed, all things considered. Ruan Mei has changed the landscape just enough to be interesting and competitive, and I'm happy with where she's landed.

It's...still rather clear that the two best units in the game are DHIL and Jingliu, and the new units haven't exactly done much to unseat those tyrants. Still, I honestly don't hate where we're sitting. At least, MoC stats-wise, there's a lot of team comps that have proven themselves pretty competitive with those teams under specific circumstances.

Ruan Mei has given a massive boost to Kafka comps, to the point where I wouldn't be overly surprised if Black Swan comes out of the gate swinging for the top spots. Topaz is the other major beneficiary of Ruan Mei's nonsense, as expected, and her performance hasn't been half-bad either.

Topaz is clearly the most flexible DPS unit in the game, and should probably at least be an immediate thought the moment you see the color red. All of her comps have performed pretty admirably since Ruan Mei's release, and while there isn't a single one of them that's horrendously strong by itself (yet), she's more than proven her worth. I personally just think she's fun, too.

Both Kafka and Topaz have been surprisingly flexible, and...even more surprisingly, they work pretty well with each other. Like, really well, according to the (very limited sample size) data that we have. Like, "if we trust these stats at all, they're each other's best partners" well. Now, I don't know if I do. Kafka hypercarry has also put up continually good stats, and my personal experience with it has been...unimpressive. Maybe there's a broken setup I'm not privy to, or something—but it's something I'll be investigating more now that Ruan Mei is out. A third viable Fire/Lightning team is a funny thing to have in the game.

Every support unit (except for arguably Asta) is BIS or near BIS in some relatively strong comp, and the strongest team currently per stats, Jingliu hypercarry, is very flexible and can be built with a good number of units while still performing admirably. Choosing teams for MoC feels like it's an actual decision again, since there are legitimate options now.

Anyone who was huffing copium that Ruan Mei would make Jingliu Blade a top-tier team is undoubtedly a little disappointed with where she landed, but I'm pretty damn pleased.

Physical and Wind feel like they're the elements in the toughest spots right now. Clara and Argenti are units who aren't unconditionally strong in every circumstance, and have the same weakness in single-target fights. Blade, meanwhile, is just okay. Topaz revitalized Fire, and over time it's gone from feeling like Fire-weak enemies had one fewer weakness to something that legitimately matters—so I'm hoping the same happens to Wind and Physical, and ideally that the something isn't just "if you see Green, bring this exact lineup of four units that includes Black Swan."

#AK posting will continue. I just wanted to comment a lil on Star Rail's current state of affairs.#honkai star rail #star rail

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thepeanut · 1 year

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— VALENTINE'S // FUJI • RYU

CONTEXT : fuji is part of a band, whom can clearly see his infatuation with a fellow student: ryunnosuke. thanks to the the leader and his best friend, fuji gets the courage to confess to him.

WARNINGS : swear word (near the end), otherwise none

A/N : happy (late) 1 year anniversary to ki (konnichiwa iro)! 🥳

EXTRA INFO :

ryunnosuke's nickname is ryu, and is often referred as tanaka by others

fuji will also be referred as tadao sometimes

______________________________________________________________

it has been 2 weeks. 2 weeks full of the band listening to fuji daydreaming and fantasising about ryunnosuke. except for work, fuji cups his face in his hands and talks about the boy all day.

it was now a wednesday, fuji and keido were both sat down next to each other in class. they had a quick break since they finished the work quickly.

“his ash blonde hair, his deep purple eyes, that beautiful small braid he always has and how he always looks so serious; i’m in love!” fuji sighed, yet again drawing another groan from his red-haired friend keido. “fuji, do you just plan on talking about him and just daydreaming? or are you gonna go and actually talk to him? because right now, nothing’s ever gonna happen if you keep this up. also, you’ve talked about him 5 times today! and we haven’t even gotten to lunch.” keido exasperated, said.

“hey! what, you don’t like me talking about him now? also, i can’t talk to him! he’s… way too busy, i think.” fuji, without giving a second thought, retorted.

“whatever, i just want you to actually be with him, instead of just looking from afar. he could get taken before you know it, so best act fast. wouldn't it be nice that you get to go out with him on your birthday too?” keido replied, hinting that this was the end of their conversation.

fuji thought for a while. she was indeed, right. it is getting closer and closer toward valentine’s day, his own birthday; there would be a chance that tanaka would be asked to be someone else’s valentine. it would be nice if he were to be able to confess to him on such a special day.

the bell rang, signalling that it was lunch time. fuji quickly went to his best friend’s boyfriend’s studio, where all his band mates were. as he arrived with his lunch, he could see that all the members were there.

in takeo’s - keido's boyfriend's - band, there were takeo, keido, himself, aiko, kiyoko, haruko (they were sisters), shinji, shou, and atsushi.

fuji truly, truly, loved his band with all his heart. they all accepted and supported unconditionally for what he stood for; he could never ask for any better.

yet again, fuji was fussing over the purple-eyed student to keido, who quite obviously had an expression of discontent.

"did you see him? the poor thing didn't have a lunchbox! if only someone could help him out; imagine if he starved! oh~"

that's right, keido thought. if only someone could help him. almost as fast as a spark, keido and takeo made eye contact: they were thinking the same thing.

rapidly, keido and takeo went over to the rest of the members, leaving fuji by himself in confusion. the couple bent down and started whispering to them.

"so you know how fuji's been talking about that tanaka guy right? well, me and keido figured out something. since tanaka doesn't have his lunch right now, what if fuji shared his lunch with him? we could just push him toward tanaka and boom, that settles it."

everyone did as they planned, and it worked. although not how the members thought it would work.

fuji stuttered throughout the whole moment as he tried to offer ryunnosuke his own food.

"it's fine, i can manage by myself thanks." the boy replied, leaving fuji to go to his friend.

the members were all confused; poor fuji! they all quickly went to help out him, worried he might bawl his eyes out any minute.

"it's ok, tadao, maybe he was just too nervous and wanted to avoid it?" aiko suggested, looking around others for confirmation.

"he's just a jerk! i've seen him act like that with everyone, don't waste your time with him" haruko advised.

fast forward to valentine's day, also fuji's birthday. as usual, his and his best friend's lockers were filled with love notes, each one filled with poems, gifts, flowers, etc. what caught fuji's attention the most, however, was the least decorated one; the letter that looked the most bland.

it had "TADAO" written in all caps, with nothing else.

fuji opened the letter carefully. a small piece of folded paper fell out. he bent down to pick it up and unfolded it;

meet me at the back of school by lunch.

see you there,

TANAKA.

fuji beamed, to the point where you would feel your lips falling off.

"keido keido keido, LOOK!" he shouted at keido, pointing to his newfound treasure.

"oh wow, lucky you, fuji!" keido smiled, hitting his shoulder lightly.

throughout the morning, fuji's head was clouded with the possible scenarios; tanaka confesses to him, he himself confesses to tanaka, tanaka does not show up, he gets there late, and so on. he could not stop daydreaming; it became a problem.

"tadao, do you know the answer?" his english teacher asked.

fuji looked at the board, hoping to find an answer.

"it's in your book." the teacher sighed, moving onto a different student to answer.

that was embarrassing, i'll just pause this and work. fuji thought, skimming the text in front of him.

it was finally lunchtime. fuji jogged toward the back door of school. there, he saw tanaka, waiting. in his view, tanaka seemed to be very gracious and patient through his movement.

"hello, erm, tanaka. sorry about what happened a couple of days ago." fuji greeted, plopping himself next to ryunnosuke.

"it's alright, so why did you invite me here?" the other asked, annoyance welcoming his face. in reality, though, ryunnosuke's heart fluttered at the thought of fuji confessing to him.

"pardon? you invited me here" fuji replied, pulling out is letter from earlier.

ryunnosuke then showed his own letter, showing "TANAKA" plastered on it.

fuji thought for a couple of minutes, and then realised; it must have been his friends, no wonder they were whispering at the back for a while.

he did not say anything though, and decided to take the opportunity, like how keido would have wanted.

"never mind that then, could i tell you something?" fuji quietly asked. ryunnosuke nodded, "go ahead."

"so, erm, would you like to go... i dunno, like a restaurant, or a cafe?" he, sheepishly, invited. the other noticed how fuji was fidgeting and shuffling his feet.

"are you suggesting a date, tadao?" ryunnosuke replied, smirking as he watched fuji's face turn red.

"of course not! unless if you want to, i mean." fuji rapidly denied. he frantically waved his arms around in embarrassment, the rosy hue on his soft cheeks turning even brighter.

it drew ryunnosuke in; in a way, it was enchanting. the way fuji's ahoge bounced as he would turn his head, how soft fuji's hands and cheeks seemed so soft to the touch; oh, how he longed for him. the boy would not admit it, but ryunnosuke has been waiting for a miracle like this to happen.

"don't worry about it. it's a date." he smiled, taking fuji by surprise.

"FINALLY! ALL THAT SETTING UP WASN'T FOR NOTHING!" a girl's voice exclaimed, from afar.

fuji whipped his head toward the sound. only then did he spot keido and takeo's clothes behind the trees.

"what are you doing here!!" fuji screamed. he jumped to his feet.

"oh my fucking god, I'M GONNA KILL YOU TWO! GET BACK HERE!" he shouted, as he ran straight at them.

ryunnosuke was equally bothered, but remained his composure.

he chuckled; he forgot to ask for his number.

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#fanfic #oneshot #fluff #male x male #high school #valentines day #confession #thisisformybestfriendlila #shesthebestintheworld #loveyougrolly #konnichiwairo #manga

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silvertonqued · 1 year

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♡ ◞ ⠀⠀⠀⠀serkan cayoglu. thirty-seven. cis man. he/him.⠀ — hold your f*** horses ! emre kilic has just been spotted walking into revolution headquarters. they are best known for being the label’s resident senior pr manager and have been working with the label for eight years. they share a lot of interesting things about life in the music industry on their social media, so make sure you don’t forget to follow them at @emrekilic. the office knows them for being austere but i swear they’ve got a altruistic side as well. maybe that explains why they’re always associated with magnets pinning children’s drawings and to do lists to the fridge door, muted sounds of typing long after works hours have ended, always cleaning up other people’s messes. their coworkers even voted them most likely to leave your text messages on read. we’ll see how they live up to that reputation.

♡ ◞ statistics.

full name: emre kilic. nickname: doesn’t respond (well) to any nicknames. date of birth: january 6th, 1986 (37 yrs). zodiac sign: capricorn. place of birth: manchester, united kingdom. current location: new york city, new york. gender: cis man, uses he / him pronouns. sexuality: bisexual. languages: english (native), turkish (native).

♡ ◞ bits and bops.

character tropes: the tenacious, the workaholic, the catalyst, the savant. traits: austere, meticulous, altruistic, conscientious, grumpy, dependable, nurturing, overcritical, reticent, ambitious, family-oriented, finicky. habits: rubbing at his chin when deep in thought, believing he always knows what’s best, only drinking his morning coffee out of the best dad mug he got from his daughter on father’s day, always dressing a bit too nice for the occasion, leaving the office last, overly organizing his work with post it notes and folders, keeping his email inbox at zero unread emails at the end of every work day, going for a sunday morning runs with his dog. likes: spending time with his daughter, the smell of fresh laundry, honesty, the feeling of success, nicely organized desk spaces, the taste of a strong espresso in the morning, football, well-fitted suits, comfortable silences, family, long hikes before sunrise, rock climbing and bouldering, whiskey on the rocks, cuddles on the couch, routine, seventies music played on vinyl, reading the newspaper, nature documentaries, meal prepping, private displays of affection. dislikes: small confined spaces, public transport in the city, social media, cluttered spaces, fickle people, surprises, people who lie by omission, his ex, horror movies, crinkled buttoned shirts, cereal as breakfast, bubblegum, being late or others being late, elevators, losing control of a situation, patterned socks. notable skills: exceptional memory, reading people, repairing things around the house, ambidexterity.

♡ ◞ background.

born and raised in manchester, england. emre is the eldest child of the family & only man of the bunch, growing up with three younger sisters respectively named gamze, bahar and beyza. one can only imagine how that must’ve been — surrounded by bustling sounds of three squabbling sisters, who seemed to go from loving to hating each other as well as emre in the span of mere minutes sometimes. but if their parents taught them one thing, it would have been the importance of family. of sticking by the people you love unconditionally, supporting them through each of their ventures, and forgiving and forgetting the minor disputes. as you would presume, growing up with three sisters brought out a particularly overbearing side of emre — he has always been endlessly protective of all three of them, maybe a little too protective for their own good sometimes. he was looking out for them even when they didn’t particularly need it. but equally being the first person to stand in their corner, to solve the problems they couldn’t oversee themselves, to make sure no harm would come to them. even when it came to deceiving their own parents if one of them managed to ruin the living room carpet by spilling their drink or failing an important exam in school. admittedly, he has a specific soft spot for his youngest sister who really can’t do any wrong in his eyes. growing up, he naturally grew into the big brother role within every aspect of his life. independent but dependable, never needing anything but always being there if someone else needed something. like working his first part time jobs & buying his sisters back to school supplies or a new outfit for their first day back to school out of pocket. but it equally translated to every single other part of his life. he was easily the most natural candidate for captain of his local football team, often finding himself naturally taking on too much responsibility for the wellbeing of friends, family and even strangers alike. and god knows how many times he got roped into other people’s bad ideas, much to his own dismay, all of them knowing if there was one person who knew the right excuse to get them out of the ensuing mess, it would have been emre. perhaps partially thanks to easily trusted big brown eyes as well. knowing how to clean up other people’s messes so particularly well, it is no surprise how he ended up choosing to pursue a joint degree in marketing & communications and found himself gravitating towards the field of public relations. upon graduating college, he bagged himself a job working in marketing for the manchester department of the bbc where he climbed the corporate ladder for six years — until he grew tired of it. desperately needing a change of pace, it seemed as if a job offer from revolution records appeared at exactly the right time. it was a referral from an old classmate that led the record label to him specifically, in dire need of a public relations agent able to start within the coming month. the only thing holding him back was the idea of moving across the atlantic. after all, family was the most important thing & the idea of leaving behind three younger sisters, on the brink of adulthood and seemingly unable to take care of themselves in the eyes of their older brother, was a concerning thought. but with some convincing, he did end up taking the offer, packing his bags and moving to new york city within the span of a month. new york city was not just the change of pace he was looking for, but an entire overhaul to his life. having never truly been alone in a place so unfamiliar to him, life in the city & working at revolution needed time to start feeling natural. what perhaps contributed to this idea of an overhaul of life, was the blossoming relationship between him and a coworker not long after his move, eventually leading to an unexpected pregnancy & the birth of his now five year old daughter ayla. becoming a father had not been in the cards for the foreseeable future, but he would no longer change a single thing about the course of events. to say he dotes on her even more than he did his younger sisters is an understatement. complicating the experience is the rocky relationship with the mother of his child, as the end of the relationship left the dynamic between them rather sour. the two are coparenting and attempt to stay civil for the sake of their daughter, but it is questionable whether they can put aside their own selfish feelings forever.

♡ ◞ personality.

has a bit of a reputation for being grumpy — and fairly so, if we are honest with ourselves. not the biggest ray of sunshine, seemingly has a permanent frown plastered onto his face & is more than a little uptight. he always means well but deals with the stupidity of way too many people on a daily basis. huge problem solver, and is very meticulous in the way he approaches things in life. pays excessive attention to detail, always plans ahead, and rarely gets surprised. admittedly, this applies not only to his job but equally to every other problem that presents itself to him, from existential crises to a broken dishwasher. there is probably way too many to do lists pinned to his fridge door, probably has one of those planners for to do lists and grocery store shopping lists and whatnot in the house. holds himself to very high standards in life, but equally lets that impact the standards he often enforces on others. he’s often critical of himself but also the work others do, how they present himself, or how they treat him. one of the standards and values he holds very dear is openness and honesty — he always vouches to be as forthright as he is allowed to be, and dishonesty or not telling the full story will really impact how he feels about you and the respect he has for you. after all, he’s willing to stick his foot out for anyone and he feels the bare minimum he deserves in return is honesty. this is also a big policy he applies at work, doesn’t appreciate artists holding back when he is trying to put out their fires & that particular situation has often been the cause of friction, and earning him a reputation of being particularly stern and rigid. but no one can deny he does his job well. slightly surprisingly to those that do not know him well, he is really nurturing & often finds himself wanting to care for those around him. anyone that reminds him of his younger sisters has him returning straight to the overbearing older brother figure. he is also quite affectionate especially with his daughter, but also with close friends and other family. often puts his own needs aside for others he cares about, and does so willingly and without second thought. most important of all, has a dog — she’s a now two year old rottweiler going by the name bean and she’s the most adorable thing. basically his best friend, keeps him company on the quiet nights when his daughter is with her mother & his go to partner for morning runs every single sunday. and he will bring her around the office quite regularly, so if anyone wants to hang out with her they’re always more than welcome. her love and friendship can be bought with treats & basically any and all kinds of food.

♡ ◞ plots.

i would put ideas here but my head is empty it is 2:30 in the morning so we’ll just brainstorm and plot and i will put any thoughts into our dms <3

#revolution.intro #it took 84 years ... but we're finally here!#he is very new so this is very much shorter and less in depth than rory and addie but maybe i'll add thoughts and ideas over time <3

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mattzerella-sticks · 2 years

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Idk your post about 911 endgame makes sense for the most part....except I don't realistically see Buck becoming captain in two years? I think he's still got a lot of experience to get...

Thank you. I can understand the hesitation because 2 years is not 'a lot' in the grand scheme of things but there's three reasons why I still would consider this the ending they're going towards: 1) Buck has been growing for five years now, he's not the same person we met in the pilot and has been doing the work for quite some time, 2) time is a bit more condensed on tv and a lot happens 'off-screen' that we DON'T get to see but are caught up on through quick summation, and 3) in terms of narrative this works two-fold of a father passing the reigns on to his son and the mirror of Buck being fired for not taking the job seriously in the pilot to Buck being promoted because he IS responsible enough for the job.

And honestly? There's not much work left for Buck to do to BE captain. His main issues are going to get tackled this season, I feel, which are self-confidence and identity issues stemming from his childhood. Buck YEARNS to belong. It's why he's such a romantic. Thinks of himself as clingy. Has such a desire for a family he will stay in relationships that aren't good anymore. And that's not inherently bad. But paired with abandonment issues and an overwhelming self-pressure to PROVE to others WHY they shouldn't leave him has him putting efforts into meaningless things that only serve to drive people further away. It makes him focus on the wrong things and serves as a detriment to his work (as seen in the season 6 premiere). It makes him value himself less and his actions for others more ("Why do you think you don't matter Evan?") We also know he has a tendency to spiral when he feels like he's been rejected by his family, as seen in the Red episode. That's not something that goes away easily. We saw it with the lawsuit, his feelings towards Bobby after being sidelined from rejoining, and even recently where he was despairing about why Bobby wouldn't pick him for the captain position. His issues with Maddie because of her abusive husband (not that he blames her but he was still a kid when she left and she left him alone with their distant parents and sometimes relationships can be complicated). But this isn't something Buck can fix by reading a self-help book. We're in Buck’s therapy arc now.

I will say the only factor that would derail this type of endgame for Buck is if Buck says he doesn't actually want the position of captain. I think he'd be an excellent captain because he is such a Dad™️ once he lets go of the type of captain he thinks he has to be and leads as himself it'll all fall into place. But if the writers decide he doesn't want to be captain then I do wonder if his endgame is just family-oriented and not dual family and career. Not that there's anything wrong with it but we've been given this narrative of Buck searching for a place to belong, strengthened by everything we've seen, especially Buck Begins, so the culmination of that should be both family and career success (finding people who love and support him unconditionally as well as a calling where he can do work that makes him feel good)... but I digress.

Plus, like I've said - once Bobby and Athena retire that's it the show is over. The final episode would be Buck being installed as captain but I doubt it'll show him actually captaining unless they do a flash forward maybe a year or two down the line and there's a whole new 118 under his command. But that wouldn't make sense with the found family narrative structure and will instead end with them at someone's house or at the firehouse celebrating Bobby's retirement, Buck's promotion, or both, and maybe a montage for each character showing us their journey of where they started to where they are now.

And again after season 7 it should end because by that point hen, if she is still in medical school (which i hope she is) will graduate and go be a doctor and I don't see how this show can continue with hen part of the 118 and it would make more sense if Bobby and Hen leave together, and maybe even Chimney, too, if he decides to be a stay at home dad or follow the route of his old coworker out in Boston for his endgame arc. That would leave just Buck and Eddie as the legacy remainders of our 118 crew, and Eddie wouldn't ever let Buck do anything on his own.

And Buck would be at that point that, even though they're no longer coworkers, they're still family (to show his own growth from past fears and anxieties prev stated BY him) as they eat around the table one last time.

#9-1-1 on fox #9-1-1 meta and spec #evan 'buck' buckley #bobby nash #i really do believe captain buckley will happen but not until the very end #kinda went on a quick tangent about the entire firefam #but it needed to be said alongside everything else lol

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dannilea · 3 years

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Gimme a moment of your time, if you would, to talk about Maddie Buckley (and, indirectly, her brothers, both of whom she loved so much, but only one she could save).

Maddie Buckley loves her baby brother more than anything- more than her parents and certainly more than Doug and there is nothing she wouldn't do for Buck, and that's where Philip and Margaret and Doug all miscalculated.

(They also underestimated Maddie in her entirety. She is kind and loving and fierce and stubborn and so much stronger than anyone ever believed, except maybe Buck, because he thought Maddie could do anything. And we don't know about Daniel, not really, only that he was there, so briefly, and the only evidence left is his sister's smothered grief and his brother's existence).

Maddie is nine when she looses her brother, and she doesn't just loose him to death, but also to their parents' grief as they make every piece of Daniel's very existence disappear.

(Except, they can't make Evan disappear and Maddie refuses to let their grief bury the brother she has left).

And maybe Philip and Margaret were different when Daniel was alive, but if they were it just meant Maddie lost them to their grief too.

So Maddie, no longer allowed to talk about Daniel (her brother), and not allowed to really process that grief, that loss that's almost impossible to understand that young, pours everything she has into herself and into Evan.

She holds him close and makes pinky promises and patches up his hurts (both physical and emotional because he doesn't know and can't understand why their parents are like that and it makes her so mad because she and Evan are right there. Don't they matter too?

And the answer, is, of course. Of course they matter, but it'll take over twenty years and running across the country for them to find the people that will love them as fiercely as they love they each other. To find a family).

And then she meets Doug who is sweet and charming and makes her feel wanted and valued. Who listens and adores her and supports her.

Who wants to know everything she does and every where she goes and after a life time of indifference from the two people who should have cared unconditionally it feels like freedom.

It feels like love.

She doesn't ever want Evan to know any different.

And then she goes with him to Boston and leaves behind her brother, and it breaks her heart but she always plans to come back.

(There is nothing in the world that will keep her from Evan)

But then she's married and her parents cut her off completely and Doug and her parents make it difficult for Evan to come see her or for her to see him and she can feel it in her soul that everything is wrong wrong wrong

And then she's back in Hershey and she sees how her parents are suffocating Evan - her baby brother who's heart is so big and so fragile and she loves more than anything. Who is bright and kind and just wants to matter.

(He matters. He matters to her so much more than he knows and her heart breaks everytime she sees the doubt in his eyes)

She knows if he stays with their parents, or even here in Hershey, he'll be suffocated by the ghost of their family's grief and he won't even know it.

She gives him her jeep and the money she'd been hiding and sends him away

(Oh, how she wanted to go with him but Doug was so mad when he found out and she never wants him near her brother again and she knows, she knows, he'd hunt them down if she went.

She won't ever let this monster have her brother.

She couldn't save Daniel, but she can save Evan.)

Evan wanders from place to place and state to state and Maddie treasures every postcard, talking about his adventures and the life he's living. He sounds like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Carefree and happy the way young boys in their early twenties should.

And then he's in Los Angeles and Evan becomes Buck and he finds a family in the 118 and she's so so happy when she reads his post cards. He's loved and cherished and she knows it.

And then things with Doug get worse and she clings to his Christmas card and wishes -

Then she's in L.A. and Buck has grown so much and she's so proud and she gets to meet the family he's built and -

She finds love - real love, the kind that props you up and makes you happy and feel safe. She gets folded into this makeshift family of first responders and gets to watch her brother grow more into himself and into this family he's found. She finds her own place in it and is so unbelievably happy.

(She couldn't save Daniel, but she saved Buck and got to see him thrive, and she hopes that, in whatever comes after death, Daniel can see them - and know that they're both happy and loved).

She didn't know this life was possible for her and Buck but she's so, so glad they've found it.

#Maddie Buckley #Evan Buckley #911 #911 on fox #The Angst Corner #The 911 Angst Corner

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skullsandwineglasses · 3 years

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Arsenal Military Academy (2019) Full Review

My first impressions of episodes 1-13 can be found here. I think I was a little dubious at first, but now that I’ve finished the drama, I have to say that I really enjoyed it. This is going to be a short(ish) review because I just don’t have much to complain about. [SPOILERS AHEAD]

The Leads

Xu Kai shines as Gu Yanzhen. Much more than he did as Mo Qing in The Legends. Gu Yanzhen is just such a fun character. While yes, he is an overgrown and spoiled rich kid, he has a great character arc. He learns how to be responsible, caring, devoted, and considerate. Whether it’s love or serving his country, once he’s devoted to something, he’ll put his whole heart into it, which makes him a great friend and leader. And despite his maturation and all that he’s been through, he still stays cheeky and playful until the end.

That’s what I really like about this drama. It’s consistent. Both in terms of plot and character. And for cdramas, consistency is something that’s often butchered. This drama is 48 episodes long, which was perfect for developing all the plot points in the story. At first I was worried about the length. But the plot is so well-paced. There was no filler, and if there was, then I didn’t even noticed because I enjoyed all of the scenes and interactions between the characters.

Bai Lu was great at switching between cross-dressing as her brother, and being her “true” self. She carried off being both masculine and feminine, and I enjoyed seeing these two sides of her character. What I also appreciated about this drama is how even when she is revealed to be a girl, nothing really changes in terms of how she acts or how she’s treated by others. Her classmates still call her by her brother’s name. She wears the same clothes, talks the same, walks the same. Of course, by that point, most people have already found out, but for the characters who haven’t found out yet, they don’t dwell on this revelation. They don’t say sexist things about her appearance or mannerisms. They treat her the same as they always have. At first, I was worried that the drama would have a dramatic plot shift after her identity is officially revealed, but there wasn’t a shift. Her reveal was actually not that big of a plot point. (Yes, she was put in prison and accused of killing the chief, but this was resolved in like 2-3 episodes). It blended in seamless with the rest of the plot, and there were bigger issues in the story to address.

In my First Impressions review, I complained that Xie Xiang was a bit of a flat character. I still think she’s a little underwhelming in comparison to some of the other characters in the drama, but she was watchable and relatable, and she definitely grew on me more as the drama went on. I also applaud her for recognizing her feelings for Gu Yanzhen (I was worried that the drama would make her be conflicted between them), but she did frustrate me a little with how she couldn’t be upfront with Shen Junshan and just strung him along.

Again, I liked seeing the different sides of her character. Xie Xiang was never a tomboy growing up. She likes theatre and the arts. She likes acting, dancing, and singing. She likes dressing up and accessorizing (when appropriate). Her best friend, Tan Xiao Jun, acts as a foil and shows us what Xie Xiang is really like (or used to be before joining the academy). But her brother was a huge influence and inspiration for her. She learned how to fight from him. She learned what is means to be righteous and fight for justice from him. But she doesn’t want to become him; she just wants to fulfill his dreams. In the academy, she isn’t the best student, nor does she want to be. She doesn’t want to compete with the others, but she just wants to best the best cadet that she can be. It’s all about challenging herself and pushing her own limits, not comparing herself to everyone else in the class.

Supporting Characters

All of the secondary characters are great. Side characters and villains all served a unique purpose. Villains, such as Jin Xin Rong and the bully in the academy, were sympathetic characters. They all had their own backstories and development arcs, but they didn’t detract from the focus on the leads. In fact, the drama never strayed from the leads, unlike some cdramas were sometimes the focus would move away from the protagonists as the drama dragged on. Importantly, all the subplots were interwoven, and each mission that they completed progressed the plot and developed character relationships. I had a lot of praise for Qu Manting in my First Impressions review, so I won’t go into it again here, but she was a great second female lead (even though I did wish that she had less scenes with Gu Yanzhen). I was also surprised that she’s my age (and also Xu Kai’s age). She’s such a mature and steady actor.

Edit: Just found out that Toby Lee who played Shen Junshan was the guy in Soulmate?? Didn’t recognize him at all.

Plot

I loved the humour in this drama. It was quick, witty, and smart. But the drama did take a serious turn in the last arc where there were deaths of 3 prominent supporting characters, which was really surprising. I thought the drama would be a light-hearted comedy all the way through. So when I saw that it was possible for a prominent supporting character to die, I realized that there could be some real and serious consequences for characters in the drama.

Speaking of deaths, I was also surprised by the amount of violence and liberal killing in the drama. The cadets at the academy never hesitated to kill, and murdering people never affected them. The writers justified the deaths by dismissing the victims as being traitors to the country, whether they were just a driver or security guard for the Japanese or a Japanese nurse or doctor. If they were affiliated with the Japanese and got in the way of a mission, then the leads would kill them. At times it felt like a video game because the cadets would use so much gunpowder to just plow through anyone who was an inconvenience to the mission. The drama also really advocates revenge, which was also really shocking. Revenge can be engaging to watch when it’s fictional, but I don’t morally agree with revenge, so I was surprised that a drama with so much killing and a revenge fetish was allowed to get past censorship.

Overall, the plot was really good. The drama rarely ever dragged, except for maybe episodes 22-26 where it felt like Gu Yanzhen didn’t really have anything to do with the main plot, but the drama recovers quickly after that. Episodes 16 and 31 are probably my favourite in terms of interactions between the ML and FL. 17-22 are when they’re separated and bond with the supporting leads instead. That was clearly a purposeful move by the writers. They gave us peak sweetness between the leads and then separated them immediately afterwards. Those episodes made me worry that they would be angst, but there wasn’t. Those episodes showed that even when the leads were separated and went through hardships with someone else, they still thought about each other. Again, another example of how every mission progresses the plot and develops character.

In terms of the romantic plot, I would say that about three quarters of the drama is about characters liking people who don’t like them back, and what you get is a convoluted love rectangle that expands to a pentagon. What I like about Gu Yanzhen is that while he can be childish and obnoxious, he gives Xie Xiang a lot of space. There were some scenes when either Huang Song or Shen Junshan was trying to pursue her and I was like, why isn’t Gu Yanzhen here to intervene? But then I realize that it’s actually good that he isn’t constantly stalking her. Gu Yanzhen may seem possessive at the academy, but he doesn’t prevent her from doing things either on or off campus. On the other hand, when Shen Junshan figures out Xie Xiang’s true identity, he acts entitled to her to the point where it feels manipulative. He would tell Xie Liang Chen that he’s meeting Xie Xiang for lunch, knowing that this would prompt Xie Xiang to dress up and rush off campus to meet him. He changed her room without asking her first, saying it was for her own good. I might have to rewatch the earlier episodes, but I don’t think Gu Yanzhen ever used her secret to underhandedly leverage power against her like that. I don’t think he ever tried to “test” her. It was only after she found out that he knew when he started to teasingly blackmail her with her secret in order to get her to wash his clothes or be nice to him, but this was done upfront to her face, so she knows what she’s dealing with. And also despite being constantly annoyed by him, Xie Xiang feels very comfortable with him. She trusts him. She knows that no matter what, he would never share her secret, so she was able to be herself with him from the beginning. In contrast, there was always a distance and formality between Xie Xiang and Shen Junshan, even though they went through a lot together.

The bigger question is why Gu Yanzhen fell for Xie Xiang instead of Qu Manting. I think it has to do with how Gu Yanzhen likes who he is whenever he’s with Xie Xiang. Manting is too much like his playboy self, so it always feels like he’s putting on an act or playing a game when he’s with her. They clash too much and both have huge egos, even though Manting has done so much for him and has seen him at his most vulnerable. But Xie Xiang is someone whom he wants to unconditionally protect and support. He teases and flirts with her, knowing that he’ll get a scolding and a beating. He wants to expend energy with Xie Xiang, but is fatigued with Manting. Xie Xiang is simple, down-to-earth, and has a purpose. She’s everything he isn’t. She anchors him, while he gets her to open and loosen up in what is otherwise a threatening and uptight environment. A classic example of how opposites attract.

The Ending

The main character of this drama is the academy. Go figure since that’s the drama’s name. So it made sense that the final shot would be of the academy. Gu Yanzhen and Xie Xiang are shown walking off into the sunset just before that. And while I was really curious to see what their life would be like beyond the academy (I mean, what skills do they even have besides military prowess? What are they even going to do in terms of careers?), it made sense that the last shot we see of them is them leaving the academy. Their future is left to the imagination, almost like a fairy tale. That’s because their story is only one of many that comes out the academy. Their future is uncertain, but the future of the academy is certain. The academy is like a beacon, and it will continue to be here even long after the leads are gone.

The deaths of Huang Song and Instructor Guo were just tragic. Huang Song never got to find out Xie Xiang’s true identity despite being her closest friend, and he had such a bright future and so many goals. Instructor Guo, who spent the last 2 decades in depression, never got to have his happily ever after. Li Wen Zhong finally redeemed himself, and yet the writers had him sacrifice himself. I thought their deaths were needless, but I did see how their deaths had narrative purpose. It still really, really sucks though.

I think I’ll give this drama an 8.5/10 if not a 9/10. It’s been a while since I last watched a drama with consistent pacing. Wish I could watch this drama for the first time again.

Going to end the review with some pictures.

The worldbuilding was really immersive thanks to the costumes, colour grading, OST, and set designs.

Look at the power stances of this ensemble cast. They’re unstoppable.

I can’t get over these two. Such a different dynamic from The Legends, but still so much chemistry.

And deleted scenes though!! I don’t remember this sit-up scene in the drama.

#arsenal military academy #烈火军校 #xu kai #bai lu #cdrama #白鹿 #许凯 #cdrama review

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with-love-anu · 4 years

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Arranged 1

Pairing: George Weasley x Reader

Summary: You are forced to marry George when Voldemort rises to power in an attempt to purify the bloodline. Will you the two of you ever to terms with each other?

Warnings: Forced marriage, shouting, swearing.

Word Count: 1,568

Series Masterlist

Marriage. A social and formal union between two people that binds them emotionally, economically and legally. The Vedas said it bonded two souls with a thin red thread connecting them together. Marriage was supposed to be a celebration. A celebration and confession of love, love that two individuals wanted to share with the world. It was a promise, to hold each other through every bad thing life threw at them, to love each other unconditionally, forever. It was everything except what you were doing right now.

All hold you had on your life seemed to be slipping away. You wondered whether you had any to begin with. The ceremony had been dark. Your father had gripped your hand tightly as he walked you down the aisle. He whispered at you to stay strong. His eyes had been red as he gave you away. You didn’t know how to tell him it was going to be okay, not when you didn’t believe it yourself.

George Weasley, your fiancé had hardly even looked at you throughout the vows. The forced kiss after burnt your skin. Oh, how ironic the whole thing was. You felt every second pierce a knife deeper into your chest as the ‘party’ dragged on, but now you could hardly remember anything. A distant clink of champagne glasses and expensive dresses was all that clouded your memory. There was a shift at the door and you jumped, hardly comfortable with your new surroundings. George looked at you for a moment and immediately averted his eyes.

“I’m going to be asleep next door if you need anything. There’s food in the fridge if you get hungry,” he said staring at the wall above you. You nodded slowly, unsure how to break the tension. George left; slamming the door behind him. You gulped. You looked around at the room as tears pricked your eyes. Your head was thumping. You took the pills the healer had prescribed. You didn’t know how to be strong, not anymore.

You laid down on the bed, your breath coming out in spurts. You blinked away the tears staring at the grey ceiling. You were married. Married to someone you didn’t know. Someone who refused to look at you. The fan moved slowly making a grating sound. Crack, crack, crack with every rotation it made. You pulled the pillows towards you, their scent foreign and unfamiliar. The dress you wore itched everywhere but you really couldn’t bring yourself to care. Perhaps the itch was the reminder that you were alive, that it wasn’t just a bad dream. You didn’t know when sleep lured you in.

***

You woke up in a haze. Your head thumped loudly and your body ached all over. Your chest heaved as you laid down on the bed again. The will to face everything had never been smaller. You had to get up. You had to.

Sitting up on the bed, you looked around the room. You had placed your suitcase under the dressing table. You went to open it, taking out the most comfortable clothes you could find. You remembered where Weasley- George, told you the attached washroom was. Funny, how different things looked in the morning. You tip-toed outside, trying to find any signs of him. It seemed that he left before you woke up.

The house was smaller as compared to the one you were accustomed to. You took your time looking around. Everything was decorated colorfully. The walls were all whitewashed. Bamboo chairs were placed haphazardly around the table, yellow pots adorned the walls. The curtains were a pale blue and were wide open, letting the sunlight in.

You sighed moving towards the bathroom. Maybe a hot shower would be a good idea right now. You took a deep breath. It wasn’t that bad. You unzipped the white dress as it pooled at your feet. It wasn’t that bad. You repeated it over and over again as thick fog surrounded you.

You spent the day arranging your stuff in a wardrobe. You took breaks to eat and drink or maybe just roam aimlessly around the house. You had things to report and start working on, but it was better to stay low for the time being. There was a click at the door and you snapped towards the entrance.

Bella.

“Oh hello, my sweet little baby. How are you?” she said clicking her tongue. Your body tensed. How much you just hated her voice.

“Hello Bella, I’m good. May I ask what brought you here?” you quipped, having her around never ended well. Bella gasped mockingly.

“Wouldn’t you welcome me in boo?” she said and you took in a deep breath.

“Bella, I think you hardly ever drop by to have tea with me so it’ll be better for us both if you got to the point,” you replied, forcing a smile. She let out a horrendous laugh.

“Oh, I this is why I always like you so much. I just came to remind you why this arrangement was made in the first place,” she said, moving around the room as your body stiffened even more. “The dark lord expects some children soon, my love.”

You clenched your jaw.

“The agreement was to marriage between purebloods-“

“To produce more of us. To cleanse the society-“

“That was never mentioned-“

“Oh you’re a baby, aren’t you? Do you think you can just not follow the dark lord’s-“

“What the fuck?”

You turned towards the door, finding George glaring at Bellatrix.

“Oh so the father finally decides to drop by,” Bella said looking over at him. She played with a strand of her hair as if tempting George to do something.

“Wha-“

“George,” you whispered, making him look towards you for the very first time. “Bella was here to deliver a message from the dark lord. She’ll be leaving soon.”

You tried to tell him as softly as possible. George didn’t trust you, you knew that, but the circumstances the two of you were in, you hoped he would. You saw him relax just a little as something crossed his eyes.

“How very sweet!” Bella interrupted with a wicked smirk. “Aren’t the two of you quite a match? I expect to hear about a pregnancy soon then.”

She threw a vial at you and gave you a wink before moving towards the door. You bit your tongue, not wanting to escalate the situation anymore.

“Excuse me- what pregnancy?” George demanded as Bella smirked at him.

“Take a spoonful every morning, it will help,” she told you before apprating into nothingness.

George turned towards you.

“Why was she in my house?” he asked through gritted teeth. You turned towards him, your hands fisting up.

“I didn’t exactly invite her,” you quipped turning, moving towards your room to dispose of the vial.

“I asked, why was she here?” he said following you inside.

“To tell me that the dark lord expects children soon,”

“That wasn’t the part of the agreement,” he hissed. You gritted your teeth. Why did he behave like you wanted all of this?

“I know,” you tried to reason. “I know and that’s what I told her. Do you think she’s the one to listen?”

“Okay- let’s make one thing clear. That woman. She tortured my mother and my sister. I don’t ever want her in my house. Do all your little tea parties elsewhere. She doesnot step into the house.”

“What the hell, George?! Are you dumb? I can’t tell her not to enter the house. You’re acting as if I’m the one who’s the root to all the problems. Newsflash! My hands are just as tied as yours.”

George scoffed.

“At least you got to choose.”

“Choose what? Huh? Choose between marrying you or my cousin?”

He glared at you and you did the same to him.

“Don’t act like you aren’t one of them. Don’t pretend you don’t believe in all those bullshit ideals that have landed us like this,” George screamed as your anger rised. What was about him that made your emotions sway so much?

“Wow. I can’t believe you. Even after you just refused to talk to me, I thought there was at least some hope. Hope that maybe, if not support me, step up to work this thing out-“

“WORK THIS THING OUT? WORK TH- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I WAS FORCED TO MARRY YOU TO SAVE MY DAD’S LIFE AND YOU WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT-”

“You-“

“NO NO- YOU LISTEN TO ME. THIS. WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS. THIS IS-“

“George-“

“IS NEVER GONNA WORK OUT. SO IT’S BETTER-“

“I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE GEORGE.”

You screamed as he finally listened to you. His nostrils flared.

“I don’t want to be here,” you hissed, your voice lowering. “I’m stuck. Don’t you see it? I’m stuck here. I’m not asking you to talk to me. Hell! Even look at me. No. I’m asking you to behave like a decent human being and not blame me for everything life throws at you. I’m not a doormat and I refuse to be treated like one.”

You saw George’s chest rise and fall. He looked at you, really looked at you. He huffed leaving the room, slamming the door behind him. You threw the vial at the floor making it shatter and the paintings rattled around you. So much for keeping calm.

A/N: This was requested by a lovely anon. A huge shoutout to @futurewriter2000 for helping me think things out! Feedback on this one will be really appreciated.

#george #george weasley #george x reader #george weasley x reader #george x you #george weasley x you #hp #harry potter #anu writes #fred

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johannas-motivational-insults · 4 years

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“Friendship” in the Horde

Season 4 raised some interesting questions about how people who grew up in the Horde define friendship. Kyle claimed that his squadmates were his friends, despite how we've seen them bully him, and Scorpia admitted she didn’t even know how to be a good friend. We also saw further developments in Catra and Lonnie’s dynamic that have some interesting implications about their bond, both past and present. However, while these themes became more explicit this season, they are hardly new. The Horde worldbuilding is really quite brilliant, as the writers have been laying the foundation for these revelations by showcasing certain patterns since season one.

This got a little lengthy on me, but there was a lot to consider. The lack of healthy emotional expression and relationship modelling is one obvious problem in the Horde, but the hostile environment has also led to some very specific power dynamics and social structures. These structures, while potentially helpful in hostile environments, are maladaptive in terms of fostering healthy relationships. Ultimately, every character who grew up in the Horde is emotionally crippled. (I’m not even going into Adora, an excellent example, because her repression and communication problems are well-documented and I wanted to focus on characters still in this environment.)

Scorpia

Let’s start with Scorpia. Her revelation that she doesn’t understand what friendship is was a big moment for her, but for those of us who have been watching closely, it’s no big surprise. Scorpia was so desperate for a meaningful connection that she latched onto the first person who showed any signs of considering her a friend, ignoring all the red flags indicating that the relationship was not healthy. Actually, she didn’t ignore them so much as not recognize them, because she didn’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like. To her, the fact that Catra invited her to her room and chose her to accompany her on a mission was enough for her to dub them the Superpal Duo.

Of course, we all know how that went for her. She continued to support Catra unconditionally despite the latter’s tendency to use Scorpia as her emotional punching bag. They did settle into a somewhat more reciprocal and caring relationship after Scorpia saved Catra against her orders during 2x05, proving that Catra was more important to her than the mission (even if that wasn’t what Catra thought she wanted). It’s sad when you think about it, because that was probably the first time Catra ever experienced her wellbeing being prioritized above all else.

Unfortunately, the revelation that Shadow Weaver had gone running back to Adora after betraying her triggered a trauma response and made her clam up again, lashing out at Scorpia and shutting her out even though she had done nothing to betray her trust. It took Catra blatantly attacking and insulting Scorpia when she failed to bring back Entrapta’s recordings (and some well timed reality checks from Emily) for Scorpia to realize that Catra was being a bad friend and she couldn’t win her over by being a good friend.

And actually, Scorpia’s confession in 4x10 that she “thought” she was being a good friend to Catra implies that she had since realized that she wasn’t actually being a good friend to Catra either. She knows the scorpions were a loyal people and she ascribes to that ideal, and she has so much love to give and always tries so hard to be positive, but not setting boundaries with people or demanding a measure of basic respect does nothing for them or you. Also, you can’t ignore the fact that Scorpia forced her affections on Catra, inserting herself into Catra’s life in a way that made her uncomfortable, and continued to ignore Catra’s attempts at setting boundaries with her (which is also very disrespectful). While Catra was certainly the aggressor, she was not the only one who failed in this partnership.

Let’s go back for a moment to Scorpia’s earliest indication that Catra might want to be her friend, when she confides in her and enlists her help coming up with and then executing a plan. Being chosen as Catra’s wingman seems to be important here, and perhaps she was wilfully ignoring how she was the only person who could make Catra’s plan work, but being confided in and trusted was huge to her. And since Horde soldiers are so used to being used, they don’t see it as a red flag. Catra actually flat out said Scorpia was the only person she could trust. How could a lonely gay not interpret that as a sign of being special to someone?

The squad

The importance of trust also becomes evident when considering the interactions among the main squad. Loyalty seems to be paramount in the Horde, not just the scorpion kingdom. Adora defecting to the Rebellion and leaving her squad behind was seen as a huge betrayal, and not just by Catra. Did anyone else want to cry when Lonnie struck back at Adora with “we were your friends” in 1x09? Lonnie was deeply hurt by Adora’s abandonment, feeding into her disillusionment with the Horde. Similarly, when Double Trouble revealed they had double-crossed Catra, her devastated reaction was not that her plans were ruined, but that they had betrayed her. That no doubt was also related to her previous betrayals, but also serves to highlight the importance of loyalty in their subculture.

While all the Horde characters were interesting to watch this season when it came to the themes of friendship, the arc was most pronounced in Lonnie. As I’ve mentioned previously, Scorpia had a short arc over one episode where her rosy worldview was destroyed, causing her to leave (much like Adora), while Lonnie was already a cynic who was aware of the Horde’s imperfections and had to go through more extreme hardships to detach from this unhappy but familiar environment (much like Catra, we hope).

Though she and the boys didn’t leave the Horde until the finale, her disillusionment was already evident in her first episode this season. After Catra berated them for something that wasn’t their fault and demanded they risk their lives to fix it (big Hordak energy), she had her first big revelation: “Catra doesn’t care about us, Adora left us. Everything they taught us in the Horde about loyalty is meaningless. It’s everyone for themselves.” In the next episode, she was frustrated by Scorpia’s naïve enthusiasm and trust in Catra, but it took a big blow up between her and Catra for her to finally decide she was done with her, done with the Horde in general.

Kyle represents a sort of middle ground between Lonnie and Scorpia in terms of outlook. He was not treated well in the Horde, but still believed in the ideals of loyalty and squad unity. He wanted to believe Catra had sent them out on a mission into the Whispering Woods because she trusted them and wanted it to be a team-building exercise. His take on it was: “She may be mean, but we’ve always had each other’s backs. Ever since we were kids.” He saw the squad as his family, including Catra (and previously Adora). It took Catra baring her claws and threatening to attack Lonnie outside of a battle sim for him to lose faith in her.

Bullying, the pecking order, and squad unity

As is clear by this point, the Horde defections this season were driven by Catra mistreating the others, but we can’t lose sight of how mistreatment is a fact of daily life in the Horde. And as I mentioned above with Lonnie, it’s those who were most aware of and desensitized to the mistreatment who had the hardest time naming it and leaving the toxic environment. Call it Stockholm Syndrome, call it the sunk cost fallacy, but either way once you’ve submitted to a system that dehumanizes you, it’s hard to admit that that system is wrong and leave it for a better life. Scorpia and Adora grew up somewhat privileged in the Horde in that they were destined for greatness, so they were never abused overtly and they had a level of protection from power-hungry cadets looking to claw their way to the top of the heap. They were already at the top and couldn’t be taken down, so they didn’t have to bully or be bullied.

The importance of pecking order is much more evident when considering people like Kyle, Catra, and Lonnie. Within their squad, Kyle is obviously the omega of the gang (get your heads out of the gutter, that is not what I mean), the one who gets blamed for everything that goes wrong and is constantly getting picked on. Lonnie shits on him, Catra shits on him, and even Rogelio gives him shit and goes along with the blame game. Despite all this, Kyle considers them his friends, his family.

This starts to make sense when you consider it in terms of intra vs. extra squad relations. Maybe the squad didn’t show Kyle any respect or treat him with kindness, but they did protect him in battle sims (sometimes lol) and rescue him from the spore storm. You also kind of get the impression that although they bullied him and asserted their dominance on the regs, they would protect him if other people tried to hurt him. You might say he’s the pet of the gang – he has no power within the structure and it may not be pleasant, but the structure still offers advantages. Having allies was still good for him even if he was at the bottom of the pecking order within the alliance.

Through a sociology lens, you might say the squad (and the Horde in general, given it’s a military society) follows the stereotypical male model of friend groups with clear pecking orders that everyone buys into (with exceptions for blatant power struggles), as opposed to the stereotypical female model that appears less hostile and more cooperative outwardly but involves a lot of underhanded infighting. (Obviously those are broad generalizations and it can be argued how much of it is nature vs. nurture, but they are observable patterns that boys and girls are socialized into in many human societies.) This ties in interestingly to @jaelav3‘s observations about masculinity equating to strength and femininity equating to power in the Horde (a meta she really needs to write, because it’s brilliant). The hostility of the Horde forces soldiers into these rigid pecking orders in order to find protection in a dangerous place. When everyone knows and accepts their role, it is easier for the squad to function in a unified manner and protect each other, even if it’s at the cost of their mental and emotional health.

Now, when not everybody buys into the pecking order or it’s ambiguous, and/or if there’s a sudden power vacuum, that’s when things get interesting…

Catra and Lonnie, the perfect case study

Catra also suffered a lot of bullying and abuse in the Horde, but in a very different way than Kyle. She was in a unique and kind of contradictory position where she was somewhat protected by her close friendship with Adora, but she was also Shadow Weaver’s favourite chew toy and everyone knew it, which made her a target as well. If Shadow Weaver abused her, she wasn’t going to care if the other cadets abused her as well. Catra’s defensive body language and general distrustfulness and hostility gives the impression that she was bullied behind Adora’s back and Shadow Weaver turned a blind eye, perhaps even encouraged it.

This was all illustrated in 1x03, when Catra and Lonnie butted heads and Catra was forced to back down when two other cadets backed up Lonnie, then Lonnie told her to watch it because Adora wasn’t around to protect her anymore. That one line alone told so much of their story. This was also one of the few times we saw cadets using people from other squads to affect their own squad’s dynamics, as – like I said – that seems to be kept mostly in-house. It may have had something to do with Lonnie’s overall standing among the cadets or how Kyle and Rogelio rank lower in their little hierarchy and seem uninterested in getting involved with the power politics, but I digress.

The argument itself was meaningless, really - the whole thing was a pissing contest, an attempt to assert dominance within their squad’s sudden power vacuum. Lonnie fancied herself the new leader of the squad, and she ended up getting her wish in a backwards way when Catra was promoted out of the squad and given official power over her. Catra, of course, took every opportunity to rub this in Lonnie’s face, perpetuating the cycle of abuse she’d fallen victim to.

The reason they had a power struggle in the first place wasn’t just because Adora left, it was because their pecking order was previously unclear. Catra wasn’t very cooperative and tended to go rogue, so she didn’t slot nicely into the power structure. She was also perceived as lazy, as she had adopted an air of nonchalance once she realized she’d never get the recognition or praise so easily heaped on Adora. (Why try when failing hurts so much?) That being said, she was Adora’s best friend and basically her sidekick, so in a way that made her second-in-command of the squad.

On the other hand, Lonnie was devoted to the squad and was always around to provide tangible support, so she was also kind of Adora’s second-in-command. Combined with her harder work ethic, this also gave her a very legitimate claim to the throne. She was obviously pissed when her teammate she saw as a lazy asshat got promoted, but to her credit she lived up to her own personal ethics, buying in and not pushing back against Catra’s authority until late in season 4.

Despite the power struggle, however, Catra and Lonnie do seem to have a bond. Even if they don’t like each other, they have a certain level of trust in each other. When the princesses invaded the Fright Zone in 3x04 and shit started to go sideways, the first person Catra was looking for to try to get support and/or answers was Lonnie. Then in 4x10 when she was starting to lose her mind amid a lack of sleep and Scorpia’s defection, she pulled Lonnie aside and demanded to know what was going on among the soldiers, what they thought of her.

This was an incredibly interesting scene with some deep implications. Because while it was on one hand an expression of trust in Lonnie, it was also an acknowledgement that Lonnie was one of her bullies and held clout among the people who have demeaned and abused her in the past. It also showed that Catra still has social anxiety and her sense of social power (as opposed to power in terms of rank) is very fragile, which is extremely characteristic of a bullying victim. Also, the fact that Catra said, “Just leave. Like everybody else.” implied that Lonnie leaving would hurt her emotionally, which is rather illuminating.

As for Lonnie, her loyalty meant she bought into the system and expected to Catra to do her job running the place, taking care of the Horde. And Catra certainly succeeded early on, taking territory and increasing productivity. In return, Lonnie was a loyal and obedient soldier, even if she never hesitated to give Catra a bit of attitude. But she became frustrated in season 4 when Catra went on her sunk cost fallacy spiral and ended up making things worse for everyone else as well as herself. This failure was a huge betrayal to Lonnie, and it’s important to note that she wouldn’t feel betrayed or disappointed if she had expected nothing of Catra in the first place. It’s one thing to be kind of a dick about your superior rank, another entirely to endanger your squad/friends (or anyone you are responsible for, really) and run them into the ground as a remedy for your own anxiety.

The breaking point of course was the scene in the locker room in 4x12, when a lonely Catra tried to be “friends” with the squad again and was briefly successful in mending fences a little until she snapped at Kyle and then at Lonnie, calling them pathetic. This prompted Lonnie to shove her, which in turn made Catra bare her claws and rush Lonnie. There was really no coming back from that, even though Kyle intervened before anyone got hurt.

As an aside, Kyle stepping up in this scene was amazing - this season in general was everything I wanted for him. And it’s important that it was him who intervened, because he was really the only one who could ask Catra, “We used to be your friends, why are you treating us like this?” It makes perfect sense for Catra to push back at Lonnie given their history, but Kyle doesn’t have a history of bullying Catra (quite the opposite). And wow, it had an impact on Catra. You could just see the confusion and regret on her face before she brings back the façade of anger and kicks them out.

When the squad left the Horde, Lonnie said that they were done protecting Catra. This assertion is interesting, given their checkered past – since when was anyone protecting Catra? Lonnie bullied her, and none of them protected Catra from Shadow Weaver, not even Adora (though bless her heart, she tried). But this does make some sense when you consider how much of the idea of friendship is based on loyalty, and how important that adherence to the structure is for protection. In Lonnie’s mind, even if Catra was now their commander, they were still a unit in a way. And she saw standing by and obeying Catra to be a form of protection, helping her stay respected and carry out her plans. Lonnie is a good support person, and by removing her support, she was in a way removing her protection as well.

(After the series is over I might just go all out and do a huge-ass meta about Catra and Lonnie through the seasons. I am absolutely fascinated by this relationship, if you can’t tell.)

Allyship

Overall, you can’t help but get the impression that the Horde’s version of friendship is more akin to allyship. It’s protection, unity, loyalty. However, that doesn’t mean they don’t get emotionally attached, it’s more that how you feel about someone is less important than what that relationship can do for you. That’s why Scorpia doesn’t even understand what friendship is. That’s why Catra tolerates “friends” who annoy her, because they’re useful to her (not that she doesn’t get attached in time, but that’s not why she tolerates them in the first place).

Catra’s one of the few people in the Horde who has experienced real friendship, as her bond with Adora was much more emotional than practical (even if it was both). And that explains why she eventually lashed out at Scorpia and said they were not friends when clearly they were by the Horde’s definition. Her and Adora really had taken the friends thing to a different level, and she was missing that dearly.

It will be interesting to watch the interactions between the Horde characters when they are thrown back together in new circumstances, out of the Horde’s rigid power structure. Honestly, the redefining of these alliances and friendships is one of the things I am most looking forward to in the final season.

#spop #she-ra #she ra #meta #the horde #catralonnie #scorptra #catradora #horde squad #catra #scorpia #lonnie #kyle #rogelio #adora #bullying #abuse #sociology

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micha-writes · 3 years

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I never posted this ficlet on here, so ... a little teen!au destiel ficlet that I wrote :) (ao3 link)

That Thing About Best Friends

The thing about best friends is, you can tell them anything. Your best friend, that’s someone who understands you – sometimes even better than you understand yourself. It’s someone who cares about you, someone you can trust, even with your darkest secret. No matter what’s on your mind, no matter what keeps you awake at night, you can tell your best friend, and they’ll be there for you. Maybe they’ll just listen, because sometimes that’s what you need. Maybe you’ll talk about the problem and try to think of a solution together, or maybe they’ll make you change your mind and see things differently. That’s things best friends do.

Most of the time best friends just have fun together, of course. They maybe play a video game together and insult each other over Mario Kart, or they do silly little things like making up funny dances to their favourite music or falling off the couch laughing about inside jokes they come up with while watching a bad movie. Best friends are, first and foremost, friends, of course. Friends who spend time together, have fun and laugh together.

But life’s not always just fun and games, Dean has learned that the hard way. No, life’s not always easy. Life has rough parts, it can be hard sometimes; and because life isn’t all fun and games, the thing about best friends isn’t either.

And in those times, when life isn’t fun at all, your best friend is still there. Sometimes you just need a hug, a supportive smile, a shoulder to cry on or an open ear to listen to your rant. That’s things best friends do: They’re there even when the road gets bumpy.

That’s another thing Dean has learned: That your best friend is there even when you expect them not to be. Even when you think you’ve scared them away with all your complaints about life or your constant anger, even when you think this time you’ve gone too far and ruined your relationship, they’re still there.

Yes, Dean has been there. Dean has yelled at his best friend for no reason, Dean has blamed his best friend for various bad things happening in his life, and still, his best friend is always there.

Cas is always there for Dean. He has always been, for as long as Dean can remember, all his life. In fact, Cas is a part of most of Dean’s earliest memories. He remembers that Cas was there back in the day when it all still was nothing but fun and games, when they were just little kids running around the park or building little castles in the sandbox.

Dean didn’t think of Cas as his best friend back then, he probably didn’t even know the concept yet. He didn’t call him that, but looking back, Cas still was his best friend, even back then, even at only a few years old. One of the clearest and at the same time most important memories Dean has of Cas is of the day of his mother’s funeral. Dean was only 4 years old back then, and he doesn’t remember a lot from that day. But one of the things he remembers clearly is Cas being there next to him, and Cas, just a little kid himself, trying to comfort his friend as good as possible, Cas pulling his little arms around Dean and hugging him as he noticed his silent tears.

Cas has been a constant in Dean’s life ever since. And even though Dean is only 16 years old, his life has been a lot so far. But no matter what happened, no matter how much it was at certain points, Cas has always been there. Ever since that day back then when Dean lost his mother and his home the same night, Cas hasn’t let him down a single time.

Dean trusts Cas, he trusts him more than he trusts any other person in the entire world. Cas has always been the person Dean went to with his deepest secrets, his most personal doubts and concerns, and all his worries.

Cas has always been the one person who knew that Dean’s broken arm wasn’t the result of falling out off a tree, and the black and blue marks all over his arms and upper body didn’t come from Dean fighting with his brother either. Dean and his brother Sam barely fight, and when they do, their weapons of choice are words.

Dean has never talked to anyone except Cas about his father. Not even to Sam, even though Sam of course knows where the marks on his brother’s body come from, he obviously knows where the broken bones that Dean has had multiple times come from, but he also knows that Dean doesn’t want to talk about it. That is, he doesn’t want to talk about it to anyone except Cas.

Dean likes to pretend he’s tough. He likes to pretend he’s strong and manly and hasn’t cried a single time in his entire life, but he doesn’t do it with Cas. Not all the time, at least. Because no matter how tough Dean pretends to be every single day in the school corridors, Cas has seen him cry a lot when they’re hanging out after school, just lying together on their backs in the grass on the field behind their school, just talking. That’s the times Dean talks about his father, and his broken bones, and the marks all over his body.

Dean has told Cas about pretty much every secret he’s ever had in his entire life, and he’s rather sure that Cas has done the same thing. Dean knows a lot of things about Cas, and many of those are things about which Cas has made him swear he’d never tell anyone about it.

The biggest secret Dean is keeping for Cas probably is the one he told him just a few months ago. Dean still remembers that day very well, maybe because it happened not that long ago, but probably rather because hearing Cas say what he said did cause him an undefinable chaos of emotions that he still doesn’t really know how to handle.

Dean still thinks about it now and then, sometimes when he’s alone and thinking, he leans back and remembers how Cas looked at him with that insecure look in his eyes and quietly said “I think I might be gay”, and then he thinks about the weird feeling that single phrase planted in his chest.

That feeling is the only thing Dean never told Cas about. It’s not that Dean has any kind of problem with his best friend’s sexuality, he absolutely doesn’t. He’s not his father, after all – even though he has taken on some of his bad traits, like the anger issue, but homophobia isn’t one of them.

No, Dean is fine with it, and he and Cas have talked about it, about Cas’s doubts concerning his sexuality and his realization that maybe he’s just not straight. They have talked about it, and Dean has really tried his best to be helpful, as good as that was possible with that insane and weird feeling sitting there in his chest, refusing to leave.

Dean didn’t know back then what the feeling was, but he knew that for some reason, he didn’t want Cas to know about it. Today, he’s still not entirely sure what the feeling is about, but by now he has figured out why he doesn’t want Cas to know.

Because today, Dean has understood that the feeling came not directly from Cas telling him he might be gay, no, it came from Dean taking that in and thinking a step (or two) further: Cas likes guys, was the initial thought of understanding, and then Dean thought … could he like me?

Now that, again, isn’t a question Dean asks himself because it would freak him out if it was true, no. Dean knows by now, after countless of sleepless nights spent thinking about it, that he asks himself that question because a part of him wants Cas to like him that way.

And now that is the point of confusing thoughts and doubts where Dean would normally go and talk to Cas about it. Because that’s the thing with best friends, you can tell them anything, they keep your secrets, and they help you figuring stuff like that out. Yes, Dean would love to talk to Cas about it, listen to Cas’s advice, because it’s always great, but the thing is, he can’t talk to Cas about it.

He can’t talk to Cas, because that would include having to tell Cas about those other thoughts Dean has had. Telling Cas would include telling him about those late nights Dean has been lying awake thinking about how it would feel to kiss Cas, thinking about how they could just walk down the street holding hands or about how they could cuddle up when watching a movie together. If he would tell Cas about his doubts regarding his own sexuality, it would sooner or later lead to that conversation, Dean is sure about that, and it scares him.

Dean doesn’t want Cas to know because he doesn’t want to ruin what they have right now. Cas is his best and oldest friend, and as much as he lies awake sometimes, fantasizing about a different kind of relationship with him, he doesn’t want to lose the friend he has right now. Dean is scared of a number of possible outcomes of this situation.

He’s aware of course that just because Cas is probably gay, that doesn’t mean he has to be into Dean. Cas could just as well be gay and not be interested in him at all, Dean knows that, and it’s one of his fears: Telling Cas about all his thoughts, telling him about his sexuality and his confusing feelings, just to have Cas tell him he doesn’t like him that way. That would hurt. It would hurt a lot.

What Dean is also scared about is disappointing Cas. Unknowingly leading him on, playing with his friend’s feelings. Because just hypothetically, if Dean tells him he likes him, and Cas happens to feel the same way, and they give it a try but Dean realizes he doesn’t actually like Cas … Dean is scared of unknowingly “faking it”, he’s scared of misinterpreting his own thoughts and feelings, and he’s so so scared of hurting Cas, breaking his heart and losing him as his friend.

And that’s what it all comes down to: Cas being his friend. His oldest friend, his best friend. The one person he trusts unconditionally, the one who’s always there for him, the one who always listens and gives the best advice, the one he shares all his insecurities and secrets with.

And that, yes, that’s the point. Because Cas is, and always has been, the one person Dean could talk about everything with. No matter what it is, Cas always makes time and room for Dean, Cas is always there to listen.

And now that’s the other thing about best friends: If they’re the one and only person you talk about all your problems with, that’s all perfectly fine and works well, as long as your best friend isn’t the reason you need someone to talk. It’s all fine telling your best friend about your most personal thoughts and dreams, it’s all fine telling them about that person you’re falling for, spending hours trying to convince them your crush really is as amazing as you believe them to be and being made fun of for your blush whenever you’re talking about them, that’s all good fun, until you look at your best friend and realize they’re the one you’re falling for.

Because what do you do if you have that one person you tell everything, but the one thing that’s on your mind the most is also the one thing you can’t discuss with them, because it’s about them? Yes, what do you do when you need to talk about your need-to-talk person? What do you do when you can’t really tell your tell-me-everything person everything?

What do you do when you fall in love with your best friend?

Dean is insecure, he’s scared and he’s incredibly anxious about what might happen, but finally, he decides to talk to Cas. Because it is Cas, after all.

It’s Cas, who has always listened and understood Dean, all his life. It’s Cas, who has always been calm and supportive, no matter what. It’s Cas, just Cas. It’s his best friend.

And that’s another thing about best friends.

They’re always there, and you can always talk about anything.

You might fall in love with your best friend, or you might not. But either way, you love them.

And they love you.

They want nothing but the best for you, just like you do for them. And you can talk to them, even when you’re insecure about their reaction to what you’ve got to say. You can talk to them, they won’t rip off your head.

Because they care about you, just like you care about them. And they’re probably about as scared of hurting you as you are of hurting them. They are, just like you, trying to protect the person they care about.

Because that’s what best friends do.

#it's just me throwing thoughts onto paper #my writing #mic writes #destiel #destiel au #destiel ficlet #ficlet #fanfic #dean winchester #castiel novak #TLDR: Dean is in love with Cas but is scared to tell him

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billyspotato · 4 years

Text

Stopping You - Michael Gray [Prologue]

I know I have requests to do but I hope you all understand. The idea of this story as been marinating in my mind for over 2 months, and I actually started writing it today.

If you’re still waiting for me to do your request, I’m done with my exams on my 21st, so until then... I probably won’t post anything.

Words: 1.558 words

Type: Mostly Angst

Warnings: Swearing. Probable misspelling. Some big hatred towards the characters Michael and Gina. There will be scenes of the show in here, but also some made up (this applies to all parts of this future story). No race of the reader is mentioned (therefore, anyone can read this as themselves). Female Reader. (Season 5 Spoilers)

[Prologue] [Part 1] [Part 2]

A/N: Gif’s not mine :)

Michael.

Michael was the name that would make you smile just by hearing it. Make you happy just by thinking about it. Make you feel those butterflies just by remembering who it belonged to.

Michael Gray was once the man that you promised to love unconditionally for the rest of your life. No matter what would happen, your heart would belong to him and him only. And so, did his. You two belonged to each other, and no one would even try to separate the two of you.

But that all ended one day. The day before Michael had to leave to go to the United States. Miles and miles away from you. And for God knows how long.

You two decided to continue your lives without being in a relationship with each other, and just like Michael said: “It’s just in case anyone wants to hurt you because of me. I don’t want you to be dragged into all this”. You agreed. It made sense. But it hurt.

You made Michael promise to never stop answering your calls or even making them. You even made a joke about you going to America just to teach him a lesson if he didn’t. You remember that Michael laughed at that with you. Showing his pearly white teeth with his perfect smile. Eyes full of love.

And everything went well after that.

Well, except for all the nights you cried yourself to sleep just by thinking of all the dangers Michael would face when he would set foot on the American soil.

And… Everything else after that.

Everything went downhill. The sweet Michael that always answered the phone at any time of day turned into the cold man that would continuously sigh over the phone when hearing your words to then just say “Honey, I’m working right now” or “I’m actually busy” or “I can’t talk today, I’ll call you when I can”.

At first those words made complete sense to you, he is only away from you because he is working for his family, his work must be pilling up after all these months of doing business. You understood it completely. And with that, you stopped calling.

The only objective into doing this was to not make Michael upset or even frustrated with your calls. You want him to be the member of the family that he aspired to be, and you refused to be the one to stop him.

By the time you completely stopped calling, calls would be more and more rare. It started with one call at the end of his day, which always woke you up, to one in two days, to one in a week, to one a month, and then… It stopped.

Once it reached the third month, you still didn’t call. You went to talk to Tommy, because maybe he could tell you something about Michael’s well being or even if he is alive. And Tommy confirmed it to you that he was more than fine, just working at his office.

Your last call was on the fifth month of silence. The first time you attempted to do the call, he didn’t pick up. Nor on the second, third, or fourth. But on the seventh and he did not sound happy.

Your tone started off sweet, as always, while his was filled with a slight arrogance and annoyance. As you tried to make conversation, Michael would give you short and direct answers.

It took some good minutes for you to stop your nice attitude and confront him about his absence, “Why didn’t you call me?”. “Because I have been working, you know that” He answered before letting out one of his notorious sighs at you. “All day? Did you ever leave the office?” You would ask him; concern came back to your voice as soon as that. And the conversation from then on was a complete and utter mess. Michael quickly became extremely annoyed and specifically told you about his frustration towards your constant concern.

And it all ended with “Well if I’m such a burden to you then maybe it’s better if we stop talking to each other”. Michael stayed silent after you said that, but he did answer. He answered an “Okay”.

That was when you finished that call. Tears already falling down your cheeks and sobs building up in your chest so rapidly that it felt that they were trying to rip through your chest and make you let it all out. Which you did. And it didn’t stop for days.

The first person to check on you was Polly. She found your lack of calls and lack of visits to her home, strange. She automatically felt that something was extremely wrong once she stepped foot at your front door. And when she welcomed herself in with Michael’s keys, she heard pure silence. No signs of life in that house.

Polly first thought that you weren’t even home at some point but that’s when something made her go into your bedroom, where she found you, awake and staring at the ceiling with no readable expression in your face.

You had no strength to get yourself up from bed, your eyes were red, face slightly swollen and your skin didn’t glow as it usually did. All of it caused by lack of sleep, food, water. Three things you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. You were, even though completely silent, fighting a mental battle at every second of the day. And all of it was about whether or not it was your fault Michael had become the arrogant man he did.

Polly quickly ran over to you, cupping your face, letting her colds hands hit your warm cheeks and as your eyes met, Polly just asked “What did he do?”.

After Polly’s appearance, everything started to get better for you. She made sure you had company all the time. When she couldn’t be there because of meetings, she would call over Finn, since he was the only Shelby that wasn’t occupied. Making you and Finn start an amazing friendship (and no, there is absolutely no attraction between the two of you) in which you supported each other at all costs with everything.

The other Shelby brothers (and sister) started showing their concern towards you as soon as Polly started to seem worried in meetings, in which she had to leave you all alone at her house.

She knows what’s like to be in your all-time-low, and so does Arthur and Tom, and they do not want to see such a sweet and happy young woman experience such dark times, especially alone.

No one deserves it.

As you started to become healthier and healthier, Michael still didn’t call once. He did talk to Tommy and sometimes his mom on the phone, but they never told him about what he never asked: you.

Arthur then offered to bring you over to the Shelby’s meetings, even if you weren’t apart of the family, you and your parents, which are somewhere you don’t know, have been loyal to the Shelby’s, always. And maybe, meetings could have the same impact in you as they do on everyone: keep your mind occupied with business and almost never think about your personal life.

You accepted it, you came to the meetings but sat in silence, only listened. It did help. Michael stopped being on your mind on a daily basis, and when he did, you pushed him away.

One day, you gave your first observation in a meeting, which was welcomed by the Shelby’s with smiles or smirks, all of it because the meetings indeed worked, and also… You give really fucking good strategies and advice for the business.

After that, Tommy made you learn how to shoot a gun, which took some time, but once you got the hang of it… Good lord. Nobody wanted to challenge you into any shooting ‘contest’.

As you warmed up to the idea of being a part of the Shelby’s and the peaky Blinders, you definitely became one of their favorites. Some even called you the Peaky Blinders’ princess, which you believe it’s awfully cliché and over the top.

You did become one of the members that should always be present in any killing, meeting, dinner, etc.

You grew from this sweet and loving girl, who got destroyed over her first boyfriend, in which she trusted with her life; into this woman who learned how to use her beauty against others and then rapidly attack, making her one of the, if not, the most dangerous woman in Birmingham, a gangster who’s protect by the family of gypsies the world learned to fear and the assassin she learned to be.

People fear you. People fear your name. People fear the idea of you. And there’s no man who’s going to hurt you once more without experiencing the lethal consequences you swear to do.

But who’s going to stop you when Michael steps foot into that ship with his future American wife, ready to come back home after the incident that he caused? Who’s going to stop you when you’ll have to look at the blue eyes of the man that broke you? Who’s going to stop you?

Easy, just two options. Everyone or no one.

But who’s going to stop him?

- - - - -

If you’re interested in being a part of my tag list, please comment or dm me?

- - - -

🌸✨Sorry, but I’m not writing in this account anymore. Go check out my new one @twinklelilstarkey✨🌸

#michael gray x reader #michael gray #peaky blinders #the peaky blinders #finnn cole #finn cole x reader #michael shelby #michael shelby x reader #tommy shelby #arthur shelby #polly shelby #ada shelby

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writer-ish · 3 years

Note

General 6,8

Domestic 1,2

Both for Brooke x Ethan please!! :):)

Hi anon! Sorry for the delayed response on this. I compleeeetely forgot it existed until I saw it in my drafts today!! In conclusion, I suck.

General: What’s their relationship with each other’s families?

Brooke and Alan are homies. Ethan chose not to pursue a relationship with Louise and Brooke supports him, though they tolerate semi-regular updates from Alan, mostly because it makes him feel better to share them.

Brooke is an only child with two parents who are older (in their early to mid 70s now), so everyone just sort of does their own thing, but they're all fond of one another (lol) and she'll usually make the trip down for major holidays, etc. When Ethan starts coming with her, he quickly adapts to their style and pace of living. He helps her mother in the kitchen (something Brooke has never done, ever) and golfs with her dad (ditto) and generally gets along as well as Brooke could have expected her geriatric boyfriend to get along with her geriatric parents.

(Brooke does worry about the inevitable, aka when her parents get too old to be self-sufficient, but for now they're healthy and spry and all is well.)

General: Who gets jealous easier?

Brooke gets jealous easier. Way easier. It's one of her biggest flaws, probably, but she can't help but side-eye the nurses who openly fawn over Ethan whenever he walks by, and that whole Harper situation threw her for a major loop.

Obviously jealousy stems from insecurity and Brooke is smart enough to realize that, without actually being able to address it properly. Maybe if a certain emotionally stunted attending was more open with his feelings and able to let her in unconditionally, openly declaring his love for her, things would be different???? MAYBE??

Domestic: If they get married, who proposes?

Ethan proposes. His plan is to take her to the Boston Opera House and do it during intermission. He arranges for champagne to be brought to their private box and a dozen chocolate-covered strawberries. And he makes reservations at Menton for after the show, with more champagne and a special dessert. It's absolutely perfect.

Except, the morning that all of this is supposed to happen, Brooke wakes up with the flu.

She spends three days in bed, literally unable to move until halfway through Day 3, with plain broth the only thing she can stomach. Ethan keeps her with him at his place and takes the week off to help care for her. On the fourth day, she sheepishly offers to go back home. He takes one look at her wan, drawn face, those lovely green eyes big and bright over the dark circles shadowing them underneath, and he pulls the ring out and tells her that she is home.

The strawberries are only a bit soggy after four-and-a-half days in his fridge and orange juice is a good enough substitute for champagne.

The ring:

Domestic: What’s the wedding like? Who attends?

I actually wrote a little bit about the wedding here and I maintain that hc. 🥰

>> ship questions

#ship questions #ethan ramsey x brooke spiers #ethan ramsey x mc #open heart #asks #ask me anything #anon asks #ethanbrooke facts

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cycat4077 · 3 years

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I may get some hate for this 🙈 but I'm really starting to fall off the Rollisi wagon...

If you've seen me pop up in the tags before, you'll know that I haven't been totally pro-Rollisi but neither totally against it.

(Spoilers for 22x10 below the cut)

Up til now I've been trying to understand the character development between these two and how their relationship has grown...or stalled.

I've tried to be open minded to them getting together provided that Rollins showed significant character growth.

Sonny has always been extremely supportive. He's always been there for her at the drop of a hat.

And nothing against Rollins but she has a lot of personal issues. She's insecure and her family struggles from the past haunt her. She's afraid that she doesn't deserve love or a good life partner and thus acts out, having many meaningless, physical relationships.

And I thought I was seeing some growth from her. The motel scene where she had been kidnapped. Her being there for Sonny in the courtroom.

But really, I keep being disappointed by her behaviour regarding Sonny.

In the past, we see Rollins offer Sonny support by inviting him over to cook her dinner. And often, he helps out with her kids.

But is she really there for him when he needs someone? Does she really have his best interests at heart?

Rollins has made goo goo eyes at Sonny many times but each time has pushed him away. Every time he seems close to telling her how he feels, Rollins turns around and flirts or sleeps with another man. I know this behaviour stems from her feeling like she lacks worth, but this has consequences for Sonny. He's been strung along for years and because he's so loyal and supportive, he takes it. But it seems like Rollins really doesn't consider these things from his perspective.

And after revisiting some old episodes lately, this continues to nag at me. And tonight's episode ending scene pushed me even further away from wanting them together.

Sonny was EXCITED for his date. We haven't seen him this genuinely happy since he passed the bar I think! When Rollins walked in I think he was ready to say that he needed to move on. Him moving on is something he is doing for himself. No one else but him. For his own well-being! Sonny always looks after everyone else but always beats himself up or puts his own priorities last.

But this mystery date was him finally being free and living a little. Yet, Rollins comes in (and I know this is part of her character and family issues are tragic and unppanned) and because Sonny is Sonny - kind and loving - he immediately puts his own life on the back burner.

And it's this constant yo-yoing that happens with Rollins that I don't like about them together.

Sonny is a giver - he will give everything he's got and then some to take care of others emotionally and physically.

But Rollins tends to soak that up. Perhaps not intentionally, but time and time again Sonny is helping her and comforting her, with little in return (and he doesn't except it!)

Sonny hasn't really had anyone who, outside of his family, has been shown to love him unconditionally. Sonny needs someone who will give back and not just take.

Maybe I sound a bit salty but I'm not hating on the Rollisi ship. Lord knows I've had ships I would die for even if they were odd or weren't cannon.

But from a purely character-related/story perspective (and maybe with I-love-Sonny goggles on), it's really starting to get on my nerves. Shit or get off the pot type of deal. Aka: make Rollins have some character growth that allows her to be the unconditionally supportive person Sonny needs, or let him have an external, uncomplicated relationship outside of the squad.

And in more of my honesty hour, I was dreading that the person on the phone was Rollins...and then she walked in and I felt relieved.

I'm not trying to ship-bash but just need to get these opinions out there. If I'm not safe to do so on Tumblr, then where am I safe to do so?

Fin :)

Ps: I don't really have any SVU ships. All I want is for Sonny to be happy. Give him an unconditionally loving human to make him spaghetti and buy him his favorite cannolis after a long day of lawyering 😊

#sonnyshine of my life #sonny carisi #law and order svu #svu spoilers #svu s22 e10 #tiffany rants #meta stuff #svu

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tobesobri · 4 years

Photo

𝓣here was an ask meme going around about what scene was the sole inspiration behind your entire story and someone asked me what that scene was for Only Human and well it’s in this chapter and I will let yall guess which one it is :)

If you’d like a preview of Chapter 12 right now, you can join my patreon here! All proceeds will be donated to BLM. Thank you so much for all the love and support with this story ❤️

huge massive thank you to the incredible @youresogolden-h for editing ❤️

CHAPTER ELEVEN: ALL MY LOVE (4.7K)

Harry and Y/N are friends…. with benefits, but not the kinds you’re thinking of.

🥥MASTERLIST 🌃INSPO TAG 🌻ASK TAG 💃PLAYLIST 🛌

If she thought she was miserable before, there was nothing quite like quitting Harry Styles. Especially when his concerned texts had stopped, and especially when she had to hear about him every night since she’d made her decision to never end up in his bed again. It became a regular thing that Will came home with news about Harry’s album and how things seemed to be going really well.

Without her, she thought. Things were going well now that he didn’t have her hanging onto him all the time like a little parasite.

Keeping her distance was hard, but she knew it would be better in the long run. Even if she had to have a few days of trouble getting out of bed. And crying herself to sleep again. She’d deal with it. It was better than living in a fantasy world with Harry.

Some of his things still took up space in her room. A grey hoodie from Randy’s Donuts, a pair of his socks. His house keys. The former she unfortunately found herself sleeping in once or twice. She hated herself for it, but she needed something. It was like switching to vapor to try and kick a smoking habit. Still not great, but not as bad as letting the addiction run its course.

She kept his keys in her nightstand, where they’d always been, but now they were just a bitter reminder of the last decent day they’d had with each other.

There were no regrets in her mind when she looked back on all of it. Maybe falling for Harry was a contender, but she wouldn’t take back any of their nights together if it meant she didn’t have to deal with her shattered heart. He’d helped her so much more than he even knew. He’d opened her up, showed her that not everyone’s hands had bad intentions. And most importantly, she learned to trust him, with her secrets, with her body, her entire life.

Two entire weeks had passed since she’d seen Harry and it only just began to hurt a little less. Still, Fridays and Saturdays were the hardest for her to get through because they’d been her favorite nights with Harry. By the third week, post-Harry, she had finally stopped thinking about him every hour until Will backpedaled all her progress at dinner on Tuesday night.

“I’m throwing Harry a surprise party at his house on Saturday.” He’d started, taking a bite of his chicken before continuing, “All of us in the studio with him put it together since he finally hit the halfway mark with writing. It’s not done but I know how hard it’s been for him so we felt like it was time to celebrate something, you know. Anyways,” he took another bite, “you’re all invited. Especially you.”

Will narrowed his eyes at Y/N, being the most aware roommate out of them all to know that she’d only been in a good mood a few days after the last party he took her to. She was back to hiding in her bedroom most days after that, so much that the past two weeks he wasn’t even sure if she was still alive at times. Something had clearly looked up when she finally joined them for breakfast and he was taking full advantage of it.

“I um… don’t think I can do another party at Harry’s.” She cringed, all the bitter memories of her last couple days with Harry flooding back.

Will sighed, recalling their conversation in the car the morning after. Maybe it wasn’t his best idea to invite her to another party Harry would be at, but if it would get her to do something besides work and hibernate, he’d take it. Besides, she said she didn’t like Harry that way and Will believed her. “It won’t be like last time.” He assured, “It’s mostly just people from the studio and his manager and stuff.”

She considered it. Maybe Harry would be too distracted with everyone else to pay her any attention. It didn’t take long, but she didn’t even want to try feeding Will excuses not to go. She wanted to see Harry again. And she hated herself for it, for not letting him go like she’d promised herself to do, and for stupidly being excited about seeing him again.

The ‘For Sale’ sign was still up in front of his house. Will talked her head off about it too, about the apartment Harry had shown him last week that he saw the ocean from.

She hated every second of it.

When they walked through the doors and she spotted how everyone else was dressed, she felt a wave of insecurities crash on her. Nobody was dressed as formal as she was, and maybe she wasn’t all that formal objectively, but she almost never wore dresses. Everyone was in jeans and polos or casual button-ups. A couple of women had on dresses too, but not quite like hers. They definitely didn’t wear heels either. She hated Will for not telling her she didn’t need to dress up, but, glancing over at him as they walked side by side into Harry’s kitchen, she realized she should have known better. He was also in jeans.

Some of them looked at her while she stood awkwardly beside Will, but luckily it wasn’t long after they had arrived that Harry was due back and the surprise part of his party got set into motion. There weren’t many people at his house, but they still hid everywhere they could, in his kitchen behind the island, crouched into corners together so that they weren’t visible from the front door. Everywhere it was physically possible to hide they did.

Except for Y/N. She didn’t want to see everyone happy for him. She didn’t want to know about how great his album was going to be or who he’d written his songs about. And she didn’t want to be among the faces of people he worked with, feeling so fucking out of place in her stupid fucking outfit she’d worn for stupid Harry who still didn’t fucking like her.

So she went someplace where she didn’t stick out like a sore thumb. The room that welcomed her like a warm and unconditionally loving hug. Where she felt a wave of relief. Where she felt safe, sitting in his armchair at the end of his bed, staring out over the city lights in a way she didn’t think she would ever again.

She had no clue if he’d ever come up here and find her and she wasn’t sure if she wanted him to. She just wanted to see the view one last time before it was gone forever.

The shouting from downstairs caught her attention because it was clear he had finally arrived. He could enjoy his night celebrating something huge for himself, even if it was only a small step in the making. She’d be out of his room before he found her in it anyways.

At least, that had been her plan. Just a little while longer and she’d leave. Spend the rest of her night stealing hopeless glances at him from across the room until she’d finally had enough and begged Will to take her home. That was the plan.

But it didn’t go as well in real life as it did in her head. Not when she heard footsteps coming up the stairs and she panicked. She stood before they got there, spinning around the room for someplace to hide but it was no use.

Harry stood in his doorway before she even got the chance to think of another plan. Instead, he caught her red-handed in the middle of his bedroom, alone.

“I, uh…” she pointed her thumb over her shoulder at his large window, “wanted to see--”

“The lights, yeah.” He nodded, finishing her sentence. She couldn’t help the hurt inside to see the smile stripped completely from his face the moment he’d laid eyes on her.

“What happened to you? You packed all your stuff and never answered my texts.” He took a step closer, his voice a little more commanding.

“I can’t do it anymore, Harry.” She mumbled, and he stopped walking towards her, completely taken aback by her words.

“Why not?” He breathed, feeling the heartbreak of the last few weeks without her all over again in his chest. He had even got so bad that after constantly turning down Will’s offers to hang out at the apartment, he nearly found himself begging Will to invite him over just to see her, but he knew that would have been a mistake. She needed her space and the way he’d felt about her after she told him to forget the kiss was more than enough to keep him away. He needed his space to stop being so mad at her.

But seeing her again, it all came flooding back.

She let out an exasperated laugh like he should know why. “You kissed me. And then?”

With his eyebrows furrowed, he came back at her twice as hard. “You told me to forget about it. So I did. Why are you mad at me for doing what you asked?”

He was right and there was no denying it. There was no more arguing with him about it. She dropped her shoulders and stared out the window again. “Can you please just tell me you did it because you were drunk? So I can move on.”

“Move on?” He snapped, his tone harsh enough to get her to look at him again, “You moved on from me the second I got home from New York, Y/N.”

She started to panic again, but this time there was no possibility of escaping. She had to face him, with or without tears in her eyes.

He continued while she was quiet. “I slept with her because I couldn’t sleep without you. I don’t understand how you’ve not realized that.” He continued.

“I don’t care who you sleep with, Harry.” She practically yelled at him and it took every inch of his self-control not to leap across the room when he realized she was crying.

“That’s the problem.” He deadpanned, keeping himself grounded instead of letting his emotions get the best of him like they always seemed to do.

“Harry!” Someone unfamiliar to Y/N shouted from downstairs, garnering both of their attention. “Hurry your ass up already!”

Pinching his bottom lip between his fingers, he turned back to face her, finding the tears that had spilled gone from her face like they’d never been there to begin with.

“I need to get dressed.” He explained and she quickly maneuvered herself out of his way. Not saying another single word to each other while she left his room and snuck back into the party she didn’t want to be at.

Glances were, in fact, shared between the both of them. Mostly because he wasn’t finished with her yet and in reality, neither was she with him. She could wallow in her self-pity all she wanted, telling herself Harry never liked her this or it was all in her head that. But she was fucking lost again without him the past couple weeks. Her only regrets now were leaving and she’d take it back in a heartbeat if she could. Just get over herself and be with him anyways because if she truly did not care who he slept with, she wouldn’t have let that stupid text message get the best of her.

She wouldn’t have spent every morning in the mirror telling herself she did not have a face Harry could ever love and bringing herself down for no fucking reason at all besides finding comfort in her own miserableness.

Hindsight is a bitch though.

The party died down sooner than his last one had, after they brought out a cake with a photo of Harry on it from long before Y/N knew him, possibly when he was sixteen or seventeen, she’d assumed, and then they proceeded to shove his twenty-five-year-old face in it and start a cake throwing war in the middle of his poor kitchen. That was when things died down. When some went home because they had children or were covered in cake and it was getting late, and others, who didn’t get absolutely pummeled by chocolate cake, stayed talking amongst themselves in his living room with empty glasses of champagne.

Y/N, on the other hand, was in an almost lifeless position beside Will on the bar stools at the island counter, barely listening while he and Harry and some others discussed stuff she knew nothing about all while Harry was still trying to get cake out of his hair.

She felt the agitating urge to clean up the rest of his kitchen, too, mostly because she couldn’t stand to look at it any longer. And maybe if she and Harry were on slightly better terms, she would be.

It was when Will’s phone rang that it finally got a lot quieter. There was still music playing softly in the background and chatter from others in a different room, but once Will took the call and left them all alone in the kitchen together, it was almost silent.

“You’re going to need to shower for like… forty minutes to get that all out,” Glenne teased. Y/N had learned she was Jeff’s girlfriend, and that Jeff was Harry’s manager. And she thought about how well all three of them knew each other and for how long while Glenne ran a strand of Harry’s messy hair between her fingertips to remove some stuck-on frosting.

“Forty minutes is a typical shower for him, try two days,” Jeff scoffed, poking fun at Harry’s expense.

“Heyyyy,” Harry grimaced, pretending to be offended as they both fucked with him, “stop taking the piss, I’m not in there that long.”

She hated that she agreed with Jeff. Harry did take long in the shower.

It felt weird, though, just watching them all interact, like she was someplace she wasn’t supposed to be. These were Harry’s friends and she was nobody to him, at least not publicly. And maybe not privately either. She had no clue how Harry felt about her, if he wasted any time even thinking about her at all anymore when she wasn’t around.

But then all eyes seemed to land on her. “Sorry, I forgot your name, um…” Glenne looked like she was reaching for something across the counter in front of Y/N while she tried mentally sifting through all the names she had to remember.

Harry answered before anyone could, however. “It’s Y/N. She’s… Will’s roommate.” Harry’s eyes went from Y/N, to Glenne, and finally landed on his manager. Giving him a look Y/N didn’t quite understand. Mostly because she was too focused on how cold he’d been talking about her, like she really didn’t mean a thing to him at all. She was just Will’s roommate to him. Even so, she couldn’t help feeling like it was more than she deserved from him.

“Y/N! Right! Can you hand me that phone right there?” She pointed to a discarded iPhone with a blue case that had been sitting in the same spot for quite a while, and Y/N returned it.

She didn’t say or do anything else after that, just slipped out of her chair, grabbed her purse and started walking away from them to find Will. She’d sufficiently had enough.

But when she reached the foyer, where she distinctly remembered Will running off too, he was nowhere to be found. She looked around for him a few moments more before pulling her phone from her purse to call him. Before she could, though, she noticed the text from him that had been sent five minutes prior.

(Will, 12:03 pm)

I’ll come back to pick you up. Sasha called, her mom’s in the hospital.

Her first reaction was shock, hoping that whatever was going on wasn’t too serious. And then she realized she was stuck at Harry’s after having already made her exit. She didn’t want to be mad though, Will had an emergency and it wasn’t like she hadn’t spent countless nights in Harry’s house before.

This was just one night she didn’t really want to spend here any longer.

And instead of waltzing herself back into the kitchen, she stepped outside for some fresh air. Or rather, she leaned into the doorway because it was far too cold to spend any length of time outside.

“Where’s Will?” Harry’s voice appeared from behind her and she twisted around quickly when he startled her.

“He had an emergency.” She slowly stepped back inside his house. “Said he’d be back to pick me up later.”

“Oh.” He paused, swallowing the nervous pit in his throat while whatever bottled up anger towards her that had been festering washed away. Seeing her standing there alone reminded him of every single one of her secrets she’d shared with him and even if he was mad, she didn’t deserve to be treated poorly by him. “You know you can stay here.”

She nodded, crossing her arms around herself and avoiding his eyes.

“I want you to stay.” He added once he got closer to her and her breath caught in her throat. He wanted her. Those words and the sweet smell of chocolate cake in his hair and just… him being near her again like this was enough to make her dizzy.

She thought about saying a million things to him, but settled on something that was classically her instead. “And I want you to take a shower.”

It was possibly the first time in weeks that she’d seen his smile. A genuine, dimply, toothy, Harry smile that made her hate all the time she spent missing out on it.

“Don’t go anywhere.” He pointed his index finger at her and she nodded just before he ran upstairs, taking them two at a time.

She didn’t like his house as much with all the people in it she didn't know. Not a single face she recognized as they littered all the places she and Harry had once been. The middle of his living room where they danced together. His kitchen where he’d given her a glass of water the first night they slept together. His couch where he’d given her the keys to his house.

Sighing, she found a spot where she could be by herself and texted Will back not to worry about her, that Harry was letting her sleep on the couch. Stretching the truth was something she did well when it came to Harry after all.

More people left, being seen out by Jeff and Glenne instead of Harry until what few people remained lingered on the sofas around her, drinking the last bits of wine he had left to offer and watching the logs burn out slowly in his fireplace.

Jeff plopped himself down beside Y/N and Glenne next to him, and while she was wrapped up in a conversation, he leaned slightly towards Y/N, keeping his voice down.

“Harry told me about you, you know.”

She looked up from her phone, a bit frozen in place as she slowly craned her neck over to him. He looked at her with a reassuring smile even though she was terrified to death. What exactly did Harry’s manager know about her?

“He’s been a pain in the ass recently thanks to you.”

“What?”

Before Jeff could explain anything, Harry was making his boisterous entrance back into what was left of the party. All cleaned up this time though with fresh clothes on and dampened hair. He looked like he’d just been working out with water leaving a sweat-like appearance on his forehead and what could be seen of his chest. He was still just as hot coming out of the shower and she mentally smacked herself for thinking it.

“Not saying that you all have to go home, but you do have to get the hell out of my house now.” They all laughed at him for a short while until everyone who had lingered to say their personal goodbyes and final congratulations to Harry started trickling off as he walked them all to his door. Jeff and Glenne were the last to go, but eventually she was alone again.

And she stayed on her phone until she heard his front door close and the familiar sounds of him pressing the code into his security system keypad. Her stomach did all sorts of twists from somersaults to cartwheels knowing it was just the two of them alone again. Knowing he was closing up his house while she was still in it. That she wasn’t going home tonight as planned after all.

“Are you sleeping in here?” He asked once he’d reached the open entrance to the living room, hovering his hand over the control panel, waiting for her before he shut off all the lights.

She pulled herself up from the couch after taking a deep breath. They were doing this again. And she knew damn well whether or not anything had happened with Will that she was going to end up in his bed somehow anyways. He followed her up the stairs and into his room again, lifting his fingers to graze her arm and get her to stop once they were smack dab in the middle of it.

When she turned to see what he was doing, his entire mood had shifted. He wasn't fun, bubbly Harry right now. He stared at her the way he had before he kissed her, except this time they were both completely sober. And maybe that’s why she let him take one step closer. She let him reach his hands around her back and carefully pull the zipper of her dress down.

“You still clean up nice,” he whispered, sending goosebumps all across her skin, “but you look even better in my shirts.”

Without even thinking, he pulled the shirt he currently wore off and over his head, handing it to her like a peace offering. But he just hoped she still needed him enough for at least one more night of their bullshit. He hoped she wanted him too, as much as he wanted her and he hoped that this wouldn’t even come close to being their last night.

They stared at each other while she switched outfits, his eyes never wavering from hers while she changed. Not that he didn’t want to look, but that he didn’t expect her to do it all right there in front of him like she had never done before.

“Better?” She asked once clothed again, her dress in a familiar pile on his floor.

He just nodded, slowly, and like he was in some kind of trance, especially when she turned on her heel and went straight for his bed. Getting in under the covers on her normal side and patting the empty space next to her for him to join.

Swallowing thickly, he slipped in beside her. Just like old times.

She turned on her side, facing her back to him and scooting herself right up against his front, grabbing his wrist to pull his arm over her and his body closer. All the cold words they had exchanged earlier in the night melting right away.

They got used to each other again, folding arms around each other so that there was no telling where Harry ended and Y/N began. He breathed in the beachy scent of her hair and she felt his heart beating against her spine. The three weeks she thought she could quit Harry were a total waste when they fit together just the way they always had. Like puzzle pieces who needed each other to finish the bigger picture.

Harry shifted slightly behind her and she felt the brush of his lips at her ear.

“You know the songs are about you, right?” He spoke softly, forcing her eyes to shoot open. And when he did it again, he said something that truly made her heart burst into a million tiny pieces of rainbow colored confetti. “Know you’re the one I’ve been in love with all along, don’t you?”

She twisted her head around to face him, to meet him a lot closer than they’d been since his last party. To look into his eyes and make sure he was being serious. And when she felt his heart pounding against her upper arm and his eyes steady as ever, she knew he wasn’t fucking around.

All he had to do was take one glance at her lips for her to twist herself just the tiniest bit further and mend them both back together again. This time there was no alcohol, there was no doubt or self-pity. No rock between them.

She slid her hand up his neck to his jaw, pulling him in while she arched her back against him to reach his lips properly. His own hand found a home at the side of her face as well, rubbing gentle strokes across her cheek as they finished where they left off all those nights ago.

Except this time, he had actually said what he needed to say to her before it was too late.

She felt him start to pull her onto him, as slowly as he possibly could. He gauged every one of her reactions just to make sure he never pushed her too far. And when she was half on top of him with her leg wrapped around his and one of his hands on her waist, things got a little deeper.

She held his face in both her hands, breathing heavily every time she got the chance to before going right back in for more. And his lungs burned too, moaning against her lips every time he lost his breath.

This time when she pulled away, it wasn’t to apologize or give him a look like she regretted it. Instead, she laughed and let him get some oxygen back into his system.

He had her again not even seconds later, though, and she was too wrapped up in it to even care about anything else. She’d save it all for the morning. Right now all she wanted was his lips and his hands on her lower back, wrinkling the fabric of her shirt in his hold so much that he exposed her pale pink underwear beneath the covers. She didn’t really care about that either.

What she did care about, however, was when he snuck a hand up underneath the back of her shirt, feeling his fingertips on her bare skin there for the first time ever. And instead of feeling scared, she opened her eyes slightly and saw him. That it was Harry she’d learned to trust. To touch her, to hold onto her secrets, and keep them safe. And he made everything so much better than it already was.

She explored his body a little bit more too, grazing her hand over his chest while he kissed her harder. Feeling his heartbeat in her palm and then his biceps tensing beneath his skin.

She let him undo the clasp of her bra, both hands around her back to get it off within a second, even while he was distracted. He knew she didn’t sleep in it, so he was only doing her a favor. Because now was not the right time to do anything he wanted to. There were still a lot of unsaid words and he really couldn’t keep his eyes open much longer anyways.

They separated again when she pulled away to remove the straps and throw the thing off the side of the bed while he grinned at her.

Coming back to him, he caught her face in his hand before she violated his lips any further. “I could kiss you all night, but I’m genuinely exhausted,” he whispered sleepily.

She shook her head at him, “And people say I’m the lightweight.” Scoffing, she instead settled into his side, resting against his chest in her familiar spot and watched his chest move up and down rapidly until he eventually caught his breath and fell asleep.

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