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writers-potion · 1 month

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i was wondering if you could give some points and tips on writing about a character who is suffering from DRUG ABUSE

Writing A Drug Addict Character

Know Your Drugs

Was the drug invented? A scene using insulin set in 1820 is problematic since this treatment wasn’t discovered until the 1900s. Fentanyl shouldn’t be used in a 1930s scene since it wasn’t available for use until the 1960s—opium or morphine would be more accurate choices.

Was the method invented? Since insulin must be given as a shot, that scene is even less authentic as the hypodermic needle wasn’t invented until the mid-1800s. Older historical fiction could involve the use of poultices and mustard packs, while skin drug patches (transdermal patches) are only appropriate in more modern scenes.

The most common drugs abused by gangs are: Marijuana, Methamphetamine, Heroin, Cocaine

Or, it can be prescription drugs

Although many medications can be abused, the following three classes are most commonly abused:

Opioids—usually prescribed to treat pain;

Central nervous system (CNS) depressants—used to treat anxiety and sleep disorders; and

Stimulants—most often prescribed to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). (common example? caffeine)

Write In Stages

Stage 1: First Use

Some people use a substance for the first time out of curiosity, while others use substances due to peer pressure. People may also be prescribed medication, such as opioids, by their doctor. Individuals may view their first use as a one-time occurrence, but this opens the door for future use. Some people try a substance one time and never use it again.

You character will feel:

Angry and/or desperate

Miserable

Lonely

Trying to run away from a certain problem

Persuaded into doing drug

Guilty

Stage 2: Regular Use

If a person uses a substance and enjoys how it makes them feel or believes it will improve their life, they may start to use the substance regularly. They may use drugs or drink alcohol on the weekends while at parties or hanging out with friends. Occasional use may become a regular occurrence. It might become a part of a person’s routine.

Your character:

Will start getting in careless activities while doing drugs

Will probably be violent

Won’t think he has any issue whatsoever and shrug it off

Start associating themselves with harder drug users

Have a false sense of security that they’re able to quit whenever they want.

Stage 3: Risky Use

The next stage after regular use is risky use. A person will continue to use a substance despite the physical, mental, legal or social consequences. Their use likely started as a way to escape or have fun with peers but has now taken priority over other aspects of their life.

Your Character will feel:

uncomfortable around family members/friends who start to notice

Exhibit more reckless behavior

Driving under influence, stealing money to finance substance use, etc.

Underperforming at work or school

Experience tension in personal relationships

Stage 4: Dependence

The next stage is a physical, mental and emotional reliance on the substance. The individual is no longer using the substance for medical or recreational purposes. When a person doesn’t use the substance, their body will exhibit withdrawal symptoms, such as tremors, headaches, nausea, anxiety and muscle cramps.

Your Chracter Will:

Develop a sort of rountine/typical place where they abuse

Believe that the substance is essential for survival

Use substance even when it's unnecessary

Stage 5: Substance Use Disorder

While some people use dependency and substance use disorder interchangeably, they’re very different. Once a person develops a substance use disorder, substance misuse becomes a compulsion rather than a conscious choice. They’ll also experience severe physical and mental side effects, depending on the substance they’re using.

Your Character:

Has noe developed a chronic disease with the risk of relapse

Is now incapable of quitting on their own

Feel like life is impossible to deal with without the substance.

Lose their job, fail out of school, become isolated from friends and family or give up their passions or hobbies.

Research the Trends

Medical knowledge changes over time and with it the drugs prescribed. This then impacts the type of prescription drugs available on the streets.

late 1800s: chloral hydrate used for anxiety and insomnia > bromides > 1920s: barbiturates, barbital > benzodiazepines ("benzos") > early 2000s: opiod drugs > opiod drug bans led to growth of black markets: ilicit fentanyl > and so on...

Different countries/locations will have varying trends of drug abuse (depending on laws, availability, costs, etc.)

Research the Slag

look for "[drug name] trip report" on YouTube, etc. to get first-hand accounts of how drug addicts behave.

The main focus should always be to use the words your characters would use in ways that suit the world you have created.

The slang for certain drugs is a difficult vocabulary to maintain as it is ever-changing and varies based on country, region, town, even by streets. Some writers use what they know or have heard locally, others invent their own.

Resources

FDA (Food and Drug Administration) and DEA online databases and drug resources

Social networking groups focusing on related specialty writing topics, such as trauma or emergency medicine

Newspaper articles and medical journals are great places to find real cases.

The US national poison center

Helpful Vocab:

Addled - sense of confusion + complete lack of mental awareness

Crazed - emotional anguish experienced by the addict

Desperate

Despondent

Erratic

Fidgety

Hopeless

Impressionable

Struggling

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grison-in-space · 4 months

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So the thing I didn't mention in that poll I published yesterday is that the motor initiation piece that is, at the time of this writing, absolutely sweeping the poll as the Worst Thing people struggle with?

It's the specific thing I'm trying to pull together a grant for, perhaps unsurprisingly. But it's also the only one that actually isn't classically conceptualized as executive function. (I know, I know, that feels stupid to me, too.)

See, formally speaking, we describe executive function in terms of higher-order cognitive processes that allow us to complete complex tasks. There is a lot of work on, for example, "set shifting" (which is a particular paradigm for studying the ability to transition between different frames of mind, essentially; it's measuring cognitive flexibility) and on action inhibition / impulse control. (One of my colleagues works on set shifting, in fact, and I might actually take a look at that later.) We also have a lot of work on how individuals make decisions and prioritize conflicting needs.

But the transition between motivation and motion is a lot harder to study, and it doesn't fit so neatly into this top down paradigm, either. Most of the people who study this kind of movement initiation are people who aren't really focused on executive function per se at all. They're mostly people who work on Parkinson's, in fact.

The problem is that the best way to untangle how these systems work is to break specific things and see what impact that has on the overall function, and that means working with animal models. You know what we can't study as easily with animal models? Wanting to move and not being able to initiate self-paced motion—that is, we can't get inside an animal's head to understand what it wants to do in the absence of a moving body to indicate that thing. This is part of why many of our best studied kinds of executive dysfunction involve not doing a thing, rather than doing it: that way you can look at error rates and study a measurable change in behavior.

There are things we can do, though. For example, you can disentangle motivation versus pleasure in a rat that enjoys things but has no motivation to make them happen by asking questions like: I know that rats like water with sugar in it. If I set up a device that squirts a trickle of sugar water into the mouth of the rat, does it close its mouth? What facial expressions does it make? If I put bitrex in the water instead of sugar, does the reaction change? (Yes, emphatically.)

The thing is, motivation is regulated by dopamine... and so is movement. There's good reason to think that neurodevelopmental disorders like ADHD and autism are mediated by weird dopamine signaling patterns, and we certainly know that there is a direct relationship between abnormally high dopamine signaling and schizophrenia symptoms... and that abnormally low dopamine will give you Parkinsonian tremors.

Most stimulant meds for ADHD work by upregulating dopamine signaling, too. All of them are associated with increased locomotor activity, among other things. We know that dopaminergic signaling precedes actions in the body, too: you get firing before the actual motion happens.

Somewhere there is a threshold of motion initiation that is getting fuckily disconnected. I have some thoughts about where it is, but I definitely need to run some experiments to check my hypotheses against evidence.

#Executive function #Neurodivergence #autism #I have got to make myself some canonical tasks here #Tags not tasks #Animal research #Day job #Neuroscience

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dazzlinglybitter · 11 months

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It's Disability Pride Month!! Let's talk about POTS!

Hello beautiful people. Since it's Disability Pride Month, I wanted to talk about my disability. I have a condition called POTS. It stands for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Sydrome, which is a very long name, and you can see why we just say POTS. Essentially, it means that when I change position or stand up, my heart rate gets too high. It is normal for your heart rate to go up when you change positions. But what makes POTS different is it changes too suddenly and much higher than average. The National Institutes of Health defines that a person with POTS has "an increase in heart rate of 30 beats/min or more when moving from a recumbent to a standing position that lasts more than 30 seconds". Which on its own doesn't sound all that bad. I would be a much happier human if that's all it was. However, POTS comes with its own host of symptoms. That swing in heart rate can cause dizziness, lightheadedness, blurred vision, and sometimes fainting. Other symptoms of POTS include:

Exercise intolerance

Headaches

Nausea

Fatigue

Anxiety

Dry mouth

Excess thirst

Leg pain

Blood pooling

Brain Fog

Swollen Extremities

Sleeping problems

Bladder problems

Digestion issues

Tremors

Shortness of breath or chest tightening

Memory issues

Poor temperature regulation

Chronic dehydration

Neuropathic pains

Increased sweating to the extremities

Loss of appetite

Light sensitivity

Dry eyes

Heart palpitations

Chest pain

Cold extremities due to poor blood flow

Heat intolerance

Hypovolemia (low blood volume)

And probably more that I've missed! Doesn't sound all that fun, and trust me, it isn't! POTS is a condition under the larger umbrella of Dysautonomia. There are several different types of dysautonomic conditions, POTS is only one of them. Here are some fun facts about POTS:

POTS effects around 0.2% of the world's population

It is most common in females, 75 to 80% of all patients are female

Though it can be diagnosed at any age, it is most commonly diagnosed between the ages of 15 and 25 (I was 19 when I got diagnosed!)

There is no cure for POTS and it's a chronic illness

Some teenagers will outgrow the condition in their 20s

The average time to diagnosis is 5 years and 11 months (took me almost a year, luckily)

According to Dysautonomia International, 25% of POTS patients are so disabled they cannot work or attend school

There is no singular cause for POTS, and many patients will likely not know what caused their condition

Research on POTS is incredibly sparse, making advocacy, treatment, and diagnosis even harder

The usual recommended treatment is increased fluid intake, increasing salt intake, wearing compression stockings, raising the head of the bed to conserve blood volume, reclined exercises like rowing, recumbent bicycle, or swimming, and a healthy diet

While there is no FDA approved medication for POTS, some medications such as beta blockers can be used to aid the condition

Though the heart is directly involved, POTS is not technically a heart condition. It is technically a nervous system disorder stemming from the autonomic nervous system

There's lots to be said about POTS! I don't think I could fit it all in one post if I tried. But if you made it this far into the post, thank you for taking the time to learn about it! Awareness is key, and the more people that know about the condition, the better we are. Happy Disability Pride Month!!

#potsawareness #dysautonomia #disability pride month #chronic illness

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serialunaliver · 4 months

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hi!! this might well be something you already know, but in case you don't and you end up seeing a.. not so good neurologist, you might want to be aware of FND (functional neurological disorder). a lot of neurologists will diagnose anything they don't immediately understand as FND often without ruling out other potential explanations. it can be used to "explain" a lot of different neurological symptoms, such as movement disorders, weakness, and seizures. doctors tend to be more likely to dismiss a patients issues as FND if the patient has a history of mental illness (especially stuff related to childhood trauma). the treatment given for FND is usually CBT and physio, for functional seizures specifically i believe it's CBT and antidepressants.

obviously hopefully the neurologist you see will recognise that your seizures are due to damage from antipsychotics and treat that appropriately! i just thought it may be helpful for you to be aware of this so if you get a shitty doctor and they decide that your seizures are "functional" you can be prepared and potentially be able to advocate for yourself and getting proper testing and treatment. (the reason i bring this up is because i've had doctors dismiss my neurological/neuromuscular symptoms as FND without proper testing, but hopefully you have better luck and don't get dismissed! i hope you're able to see someone soon and get treatment which makes life easier for u!)

thanks for letting me know, but to clarify I have seen a neurologist before which is why i'm diagnosed with an essential tremor. however it isn't my word that gave me the diagnosis, they had me do various physical tests and I epic failed 💔

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disabledunitypunk · 4 months

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If a community disability term, such as neurodivergence, contains diagnoses that in your experience are too different to be related, you can opt out of the term, but you do not get to disagree that the term still includes both for other people with those diagnoses.

I don't actually care what the coiner's intentions with a word were that much, beyond, "if even one person finds a wider or more inclusive definition meaningful, the definition expands to encompass their usage of it".

That's descriptivism, the idea that words only exist to be useful to us and that we shape their meaning to that end. It is the counterpart to prescriptivism, the idea that words have concrete, strict, static definitions and that we have to use the right words as accurately as possible and can't use words if they fit badly enough.

"Words have meanings" is a prescriptivist take, but so is "I don't feel neurodivergence includes xyz".

I mean this in a way less aggressive than it sounds, but quite simply, neurodivergence doesn't revolve around your experience of it.

I also find it symptomatic of the extreme cartesian dualist bias most people haven't actually examined that "physical disability" can include everything from neurogenic pain to irritable bowel disease to limb deformities to cardiac issues to asthma to paralysis to visual impairment and more, but neurodivergence and neurodisabilities are often limited to, if not the more palatable and less disordered forms, even just things that are primarily cognitive or emotional in nature.

To explain, cartesian dualism is the idea that there is a separate, nonphysical "mind" from the physical neurological structure of your brain and body - and that therefore essentially mental illness and neurodivergence are sicknesses and differences of an abstract consciousness that is little more than a different word for the idea of a "soul".

It's very disturbing to me that people think that, because we don't fully understand how bioelectrical and chemical processes or neurophysical structure inform the phenotypical presentation of disorders and neurodivergence with an array of cognitive-emotional symptoms, that we can simply just say "eh, it's not physical in the same way physical neurological symptoms are.

Okay, that's a mouthful, but basically, our entire consciousness - emotions, thoughts, the places in our physical bodies we feel our emotions (and store trauma), the physical symptoms of our mental illnesses, and so forth - they all are caused by one of essentially three categories of things.

Either the electrical signals passing between neurons in a certain order and direction, hormones and enzymes and proteins being chemically processed by receptors in brain and other bodily cells (which, it's important to note, mental illness and neurodivergence exist as a conversation between brain cells and other bodily cells), or the actual physical shape of the brain.

From what little we do understand, we know that electrical activity, chemical activity, and physical differences in the brain are responsible in some way for the psychological phenomena we study. We mostly just don't understand exactly HOW.

The similarities between primarily physical neurological conditions and primarily mental neurological conditions is that they are both a result of what is occurring in the neurological system (and to a lesser extent, in where the neurological system interfaces and communicates with other systems).

Migraines, nerve pain, epilepsy, bell's palsy, Parkinson's, tremors, stroke, lateral sclerosis - these are very different from things like bipolar, anxiety, OCD, NPD, AvPD, SzPD, PTSD, DID, autism, schizophrenia, ID, and so on, for many people.

It's why you can opt out of labels like neurodivergence for conditions you don't feel it fits.

But, crucially, you don't get to make that decision and universally define the word for others. The most inclusive definition of the word prevails, because there are people who do find that their experiences with things in each of those category are similar, or so closely related they can't be separated, or simply worth grouping together for the fact they occur in the same bodily system via the same or similar mechanisms.

For me, my chronic pain, my gut health issues, my MCAS, my autism, my anxiety, my PTSD, my DID, my chronic fatigue, my brain fog, my schizophrenia, my ADHD, my tremor, my dysautonomia, my balance issues and struggles with spacial awareness and lack of awareness of my physical body, the alexithymia that I've worked so hard to manage, my language and sensory processing disorders... it's all closely and heavily interrelated.

Some of it causes or worsens other parts (or in some cases is minimally suspected to, but I'm mainly focusing on the ones that inarguably directly cause the others here). My anxiety and PTSD trigger my gut issues. Inflammation from my MCAS triggers my chronic pain and brain fog and POTS and makes my anxiety, depression, and DID worse. My dyspraxia and sensory processing are worse when I'm brain foggy or in pain. Getting excited about special interests can make my tremor worse than anxiety can. This is kind of a weird one, but self-injury from BPD has caused nerve damage. Autism and ADHD cause a large portion of my chronic fatigue.

That's without even getting into where the symptom sets overlap.

Anxiety comes with tachycardia, shortness of breath, feelings of dread/doom, stomach upset, tremors, dysregulation of my sense of temperature, flushing, and more.

POTS comes with... tachycardia, shortness of breath, stomach upset, tremors, dysregulation of my sense of temperature, flushing, and more. And MCAS covers the "feelings of dread/doom", so when they are flaring up together...

Chronic pain is a symptom of depression and PTSD as well as fibromyalgia and nerve damage. Chronic fatigue is a symptom of just about every disability that exists.

Food sensitivities are as likely to be from neurodivergence as from eating disorders (which can be considered neurodivergent) as from GI issues. I see an allergist for my condition which is caused by dysregulation of gastrointestinal cells, which is suspected to potentially be related to trauma, which is also suspected as having a relationship with the dysautonomia present in my POTS, trauma for me which is as much a result of my neurodivergence and the casual ignorant and often nonmalicious ableism ingrained into every facet of society I faced as the abuse I went through. (And some of the abuse was a result of my disabilities, both primarily physical and primarily mental!)

There is no separating it for me. They are not different enough to deny myself a label that acknowledges that and never will be. Neurodivergence and neurodisability (a term I coined) as well are as much for people like me as people who have fully discrete separate symptoms.

I even find the separation of disabilities into "physical" and "psychological" to be a bit of a misdirection. Psychological disabilities are physical. They manifest through physical symptoms. Even emotional symptoms are experienced by the body on a physical level, though a lot of us neurodivergent folks struggle with awareness of that (I know I did and often still do).

Anxiety is often a rapid heart rate and sweating and shortness of breath. Depression is pain and appetite suppression and often low blood pressure. Sadness can be chest pain and throat tightness. Excitement often has near identical physical manifestations as anxiety. Happiness is usually felt throughout the whole body. Sensations of different temperatures, breathing, pulse, and gut functions are most primarily associated with emotion.

"Trust your gut" even means "trust your intuition", meaning your subconscious mental sense of safety vs danger, for this reason.

"My heart plummeted."

"My heart was in my throat."

"My stomach was roiling with nerves."

"I felt a cold sweat on my neck."

"I knew in my gut I could trust her."

These are how people describe emotions.

Even where the symptoms are either not identifiably physical or not experienced as physical in the consciousness (such as thought patterns), they are caused by physical processes in an actual physical organ. Their cause is the same at a fundamental level as a primarily physical symptom such as pain - while they may occur in different locations in the neurological system, or may be triggered by different sets of chemicals, at a basic level they are both physically occurring in the same bodily system.

Even separating out the brain as an organ from the rest of the body has actively limited scientific progress. It's only as modern science has actually been analyzing it in concert with the other bodily systems that it is responsible for both controlling and processing feedback from that large advancements in our understanding of neurology have been made.

The organ responsible for telling every other organ what to do and understanding what happens in every other organ cannot be compartmentalized and analyzed on its own. At least, not if we want any actual useful data.

I often wonder, for people who do have discrete symptom sets, is there a reason other than simply "it doesn't make sense to group it with my other neurodivergence" for saying they "disagree" with the definitions of neurodivergence and neurodisability that they are allowed not to use for themselves?

Is it possibly that neuroableism is so rampant in our society and even in disabled spaces that they simply haven't examined their own internalized biases and bigotry and they don't take neurodisabilities, including their own, as seriously as disabilities they consider more physical?

Is the idea that they have been as physical as their other disabilities all along scary or threatening because it means that in shoving them off into the realm of "mental" disability they've been pushing themselves past their limits to "overcome" something that is just as painful, just as harmful, and just as concretely, profoundly disabling as their other disabilities? That they were just as unable to do the things their disability prevented them from doing and hurting themselves just as much by trying to and then blaming themselves on top of it for the ways they "fell short" due to said disability?

This is not meant as an attack. I sometimes have the people who say this stuff unintentionally stumble on trauma triggers, but I don't dislike them. I wish I was more capable of having these conversations without really essentially running and hiding. I try to use this blog for that because I'm able to ignore it more easily than my main blog when I'm in a heightened state, and because it's more of a controlled environment where these conversations are intended to take place.

These are questions I'm asking specifically from analyzing past attitudes of mine. I didn't necessarily share them publicly, but there was a time where I felt similarly. I'm not asking out of some concern-trolling, either. I acknowledge that what I talked about is only one possible explanation for that belief, and if that is the case, I'd simply encourage the people for whom it's true to be patient with themselves and let themselves be disabled, whatever that means for them.

I don't even think it's necessarily a super harmful belief, although I think it crosses a line when the belief goes from "that's not how I use neurodivergent for myself" to "I don't think it's useful for neurodivergence to be defined that way in general". I think it's one we should all interrogate, sure. Providing a possible explanation is my way of trying to open up a conversation about that. Eliminating a possibility as wrong still gets us closer to a more accurate understanding, even at an individual level.

I think put quite simply though, if that is the case, I don't feel condescending and patronizing pity. I'm angry on all of our behalf that we live in a society that so deeply ingrains those ideas into us in order to uphold the oppression of all disabled people, and especially to sow disunity between us to disrupt our efforts at organization and liberation. I'm angry that we've been taught to hurt ourselves in this way. I'm furious that we've been convinced that this is the right way of understanding and dealing with disability.

So, to loop back around and neatly tie this post off with my original point: I would like to motivate people to examine WHY they label certain diagnoses as neurodivergent/neurodisabilities and others as not. I would encourage them to remember that an umbrella label including diagnoses of theirs that they don't want to use that label for doesn't make the definition wrong. I'd remind them that they are absolutely welcome to use a more restrictive definition individually without challenging the general definition, because words can mean multiple things.

And I'd say that the most important thing is just to remember when discussing this is that other people may consider a shared diagnosis to be neurodivergent where you don't, and that "disagreeing" with them is fundamentally "disagreeing" with their identity and how they experience it, which however well-intentioned is still bigotry. It doesn't make you a bad person, but it is a harmful action and the right thing to do is whatever needs to be done to not continue to harm others. Whether it's as simple as just stopping or as complex as analyzing the entire lens through which you view neurodivergence, the important thing is respecting that neurodivergent identity means different things for different people.

And after all, at least in English, 95 percent of the 3000 most frequently used words have multiple meanings, as do 100 percent of the top 1000 most used words. Words like go and set have upwards of 300-400 definitions! Rather than treating definitions like a math problem, right or wrong, let's treat them as interpretive, and facilitate communication by asking people which they mean.

#prescriptivism #descriptivism #mod stars #unitypunk #neurodivergence #neurodisability #disability #physical disability #neurology #neuropsychology #cartesian dualism #cw brief self harm mention #ableism #neuroableism #trauma #adding this in the tags: a good example is how lqbtqia+ people can opt out the reclaimed label queer #whether your identity is always considered valid as a queer identity or faces bigotry at every turn you can choose to demand inclusion #no matter whether or not you use the label queer #that's important

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parkeryangs · 5 months

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listen. getting an essential tremor diagnosis is such a tipping point for arthur in the college band au. he doesn't even remember when the shaking first started but he does remember that it keeps getting worse and he can't even hold a glass of water without spilling it these days. it's something he adjusts to, but never really gets used to.

he doesn't reach for straws often enough, even if it would make his life a lot easier, because it feels like giving up. it isn't—not even close—and, regardless, there's really no honor in spilling half a mouthful of coffee or water or lemonade down his chin every time he tries to take a sip. that makes him feel like a kid, still; too clumsy for the body he inhabits, flecks of damp soaking into his shirt and his jeans before he snags a napkin and does his best to scrub it out of the fabric, like that does any good.

a diagnosis is the answer for everything that was always laughed off as clumsiness, all the spilled drinks and shakily-written notes. all of the silent building pressure to grow up, you're not a kid anymore. get ahold of yourself— just take care of yourself. don't spill the glass of water again, arthur. it explains everything and more, and leaves arthur almost seething in the fallout. it was that simple. it was that simple and it was never his fault, just bad luck. (after that, the laughter at his expense stung a bit more, but it was still better than the alternative.)

when he'd left that first doctor's appointment, he sat in his car and read everything he could. the cause is unknown but it's in his head and he's not imagining it. the prescription medication was much less well-received, but he was willing if it was going to make him better or at leas not so bad, and he wasn't supposed to drink coffee anymore, not every day, but some things were worth the pain and instant coffee in his dorm room was one of those things.

regardless, his symptoms were only so manageable; he was a college student with a well-known band, too much stress was pretty much a given on more days than not. he told himself the coffee made him less stressed, and maybe he wasn't getting enough sleep either, but that wasn't new; he'd been a chronic insomniac since he was young, and a too-small pill every night at 8:45 wasn't the solution to that problem. he doesn't reach for straws often enough but he takes the medication and still drinks coffee and stays up too late, it doesn't fix everything but he knew it wouldn't anyway, and he still shakes all the time like he's out in the winter without a coat, but it's not his fault.

#iii need to be euthanized #incoherent late night ramblings who cheered #arthur lester tremor hc #< i think it should have a tag atp #malevolent #college band au #rambling #malevblogging

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intersex-support · 2 months

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I'm concerned I may have an intersex condition and I'm not sure where to go from here. Could I ask for some advice?

Essentially, I'm realizing that I... probably didn't complete puberty the first time. I'm afab, and I did get a growth spurt and body hair and start to grow breasts, but I never developed past what I'm now realizing was probably about stage 3 on the Tanner Scale. My breasts stayed small enough that I could easily pass as male without binding (I'm nonbinary) and I was never able to find a bra small enough to fit me. Overall I was kinda just built like a tall preteen, and frequently mistaken for one well into my 20s

I'm also diagnosed with presumed endometriosis and had extremely irregular and painful periods for my entire life. Birth control pills didn't fully fix it and depo shots just made it worse, but when my gyno put me on nexplanon about 9 months ago it stopped my period altogether. More than that though... I think I'm going through puberty again, at the age of 25. I started experiencing breast growth and female-pattern fat redistribution that's very similar to what my transfem friends are going through on HRT, and I realized... my medication is literally just progestin. I'm essentially on feminizing HRT as an afab person. And after 9 months on HRT I've finally progressed to what looks like stage 4 on the Tanner Scale and I'm getting closer to stage 5

I did some research on what could be happening when I first started noticing the changes and found out that recent studies have linked endometriosis to estrogen dominance (either an excess of estrogen or a deficiency of progesterone) and the symptoms of both estrogen dominance and low progesterone seemed to fit me. Since the changes started after I went on progestin-only medication I figured that was my answer, that I had low progesterone bc of my endometriosis and it stunted my development. But recently I was talking with an intersex blogger who pointed out that having hormone deficiencies so severe they interrupt puberty isn't common for endometriosis and it might be a symptom of an intersex condition, and they recommended for me to look into hypogonadotropic hypogonadism

I've been doing research on it and. It really seems to describe what I went through. The only things that don't really fit me are the short height and lack of period, but that may just be bc I had an incomplete puberty instead of an absent one. More specifically though I learned about Kallmann Syndrome, and I know it's relatively rare, especially in afab people, but a lot of the other symptoms seem to fit me. The first, notably, is that I've had hyposmia my entire life which is a defining feature of the condition. I also have spinal defects: scoliosis, hyperlordosis, and cervical kyphosis. I even have some unexplained motor control issues that I'm now concerned may be mild ataxia, like my lifelong constant hand tremors and a general "clumsiness" that makes it difficult for me to get my limbs to do what I want—both of which cause frequent issues for me

I really wanna get some solid answers but I'm... not sure where to go from here. Would getting my hormones checked be a logical next step? If it's specifically progesterone that's affected for me I'm not sure if the tests will be able to tell the difference between natural progesterone and synthetic progestin though, and I can't go off my medication bc my endo is so bad without it that I won't be able to work. Maybe that's not even the hormone they would need to check anyways though, maybe it would be GnRH? Idk, I'm just a little bit lost. I'm considering going to Planned Parenthood to ask about it (my current gyno has not been very forthcoming with information about my own condition) but I'm nervous about seeing them without knowing if it's something they can even help with and I'm also worried about going in with too much information and having a doctor dismiss me as having given myself a "google diagnosis" 😣

Any advice on the process of seeking a diagnosis? Or any other next steps in general?

Also—I keep having this nagging thought in the back of my head that says even if I do turn out to have a form of HH it wouldn't "matter" now that I'm on HRT and finishing puberty. Any opinions on this? Would I still "count" as intersex if that's the case? And what if I can't get a diagnosis?

Hi anon,

So sorry for the late answer. Hope you've been doing well.

It definitely makes sense to me that you would be looking into Kallmann Syndrome, especially since you have hyposmia and that really is such a key part of that condition. I agree with the other blogger that it's worth looking into why your puberty was disrupted/incomplete and regardless of whether it's Kallmann Syndrome, another intersex variation, or something else, that might be helpful information to have. And I totally get what you mean about it "not mattering" to get a diagnosis now that you're on HRT, and honestly, what is most important is your priorities and wishes in this process.

It is completely valid to want this information and search for a diagnosis, and to want an answer even though you've now found a treatment that works. If you decide at some point through the process that diagnosis is not a priority for you right now, that's okay too--what matters is that you are the authority here and that you have the right to feel whatever way you feel about it. The intersex community has such an incredible amount of variety--we all have so many different variations, different experiences, ways that symptoms show up or don't show up, and there's no "right" way to be intersex. All ways of being intersex are valuable and real ways that we're going to show up in our community.

The process of seeking a diagnosis can be kind of long and frustrating, but I'd say the first step would definitely be trying to get a referral to an endocrinologist or any doctor who is willing to run a full hormone panel on you, (generally this includes estrogen, testosterone, progesterone, FSH, LH, SHBG, and thyroid hormones). For Kallmann Syndrome, they would be looking for low estrogen, FSH, and LH levels. They would probably also run some other blood tests checking general blood chemistry levels to rule out any other causes. The next step for Kallmann diagnosis is sometimes an MRI to rule out any physical abnormalities on the pituitary gland. Finally, there is also molecular genetic testing for Kallmann that can help identify the specific genetic mutation, but the diagnosis can also be made without genetic testing or an MRI. Planned Parenthood might be a good first step, either to actually do the first set of labs or to provide you to a referral to a endocrinologist who would be willing to order the labs. It can definitely be really hard navigating doctors who are dismissive of our own self-knowledge and research, and I've found it can sometimes be more helpful to just explain your symptoms (lack of periods, lack of puberty) and ask for a full hormone panel rather than specifically telling the doctor that you want to test for Kallmann's.

Overall, just know that you absolutely aren't alone in this and that you are welcome to come back to the blog with any other questions or just to vent. It can be confusing and overwhelming trying to navigate the medical system, and you deserve support! Best of luck on this journey 💜

#asks #intersex #kallmann syndrome #hypogonadism

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minefield-of-a-ninja · 1 year

Text

28 DAYS: CHAPTER FOUR

Summary: Dean Winchester is an addict and an alcoholic, a USMC veteran, a father, and an older brother. As Battalion Chief with Lawrence Fire & Medical, Dean comes under investigation when he makes a dangerous and impulsive decision, defying his superiors and abandoning the team he is supposed to lead. He is given a choice to go to rehab for 28 days or jail. His lawyer insists on rehab, and Dean begrudgingly abides.

Chapter Characters: Dean Winchester, Jack Kline, Missouri Mosely, Meg Masters, Billie (Pilgrim), Pamela Barnes, Crowley, Rowena Macleod, Constance Welch, Gabriel

Chapter Warnings/tags: 18+ ONLY, Meg (lol), Dean's first therapy session, sexual content

Words in this chapter: 3,600

AN: Dean’s experience with Billie is unique to his experience and influenced by themes from SPN. Please do not take his scenes with Billie (or anything from this story) as a reason not to seek therapy.

While very important to me, this story is a work of fiction and is not meant to represent all aspects of addiction and recovery. In Dean’s case, he is in no danger of delirium tremens, but withdrawal is always a lengthy and challenging process. Since Dean’s tox screen was positive for Valium, a go-to alcohol withdrawal treatment, as well as Vicodin, his doctors have prescribed Gabapentin (for pain, tremors, and anxiety) and the vitamin Thiamine (an essential micronutrient that cannot be made in the body of which alcohol prevents absorption). The treatment is meant to relieve Dean’s discomfort, prevent the development of more serious symptoms, and forestall cumulative effects that might worsen future withdrawals (i.e., delirium tremens).

Mental illness, alcoholism, and addiction run in my family. Yesterday, I lost another close relative to alcoholism. He was a beautiful man who loved his family and brought us joy and warmth through the years. Rest in peace, Kent.

If you or anyone you know are facing mental and/or substance use disorders, please do not hesitate to reach out:

All my love and thanks to @stusbunker and @brrose-apothecary for reading and discussions and holding my hand

text divider by @talesmaniac89

CHAPTER FOUR

Sun filters through the bare windows, heralding a new day.

Dean made it through the night, and, of that, he’s pretty fucking proud. He even got a good 90 minutes of sleep in, which is wild considering the total lack of valium.

He peers over at Jack’s bed and sees the kid sound asleep, drooling all over his pillow and stuffed guardian like a good kid should. The sight makes Dean’s stomach flip, but he smiles as he sweeps his blanket aside to cautiously roll off his bed.

He’s aching from head to toe, and the cool air has him shivering. Overall, his symptoms seem to be subsiding, but maybe he’s just too tired to feel it all.

Under his shower's hot, steady spray, he gets warm and limbers up. His range of motion, though stiff and painful, is returning to his shoulder and hips. He wishes he could soak in a tub like the one they have at the station.

His heart sinks, thinking about the station — about his team and Tessa. He hangs his head, letting the hot water soothe his muscles and trying not to think too much about how disgusted they all must be.

His spiral of guilt and shame is interrupted when his stomach growls. Hunger’s probably a good sign since the mere thought of food made him want to hurl yesterday and the day before.

More than anything — well, not anything, but more than food — he wants coffee.

After his shower, he quickly and quietly dresses, trying to remember what Missouri told him yesterday (which seems like a fucking year ago) about breakfast. He doesn’t recall the time she mentioned, so he wanders to the front desk to see what he can find out.

Missouri’s in her office as if she never left. She’s busy setting out little paper cups on trays, and without looking up, she greets him.

“Good mornin’, Dean.”

“Mornin’, ma’am.”

“How’d you sleep last night?”

Dean leans on the counter and watches her work. “Not a lot, but better than nothin’, I guess.”

Missouri hums. “You’re early, but I’ll get you fixed up.”

Dean’s brow furrows when she hands him one of the tiny paper cups with two pills inside.

“Your doctor told you we’d be givin’ you thiamine and gabapentin?”

Dean nods.

“You’ll get one low dose each every mornin�� from me, or from Alex. Just come right here and we’ll have it for ya, and then you can go to breakfast.”

Dean stares at the pills. He’s taken enough first responder classes to know what they’re used for, but he doesn’t feel sick enough for thiamine.

“They’re not gonna bite ya, boy. They’re better for ya than whatchu been swallowin’ — go on, now.”

Dean looks up at Missouri, and her stern, warm eyes calm him enough to throw the pills back and accept the cup of water from her. He crumples the water and pill cups into his fist before handing them over for Missouri to discard.

“What time d’you say breakfast was?” Dean asks.

“Not ‘til 7:30, but there’s coffee.”

“Fuckin’-A.”

Missouri tsks and furrows her brow at his language.

“Apologies, ma’am.”

Yeah, he apologizes, but he can barely contain his excitement, and he almost cries when he sees the tall carafe. As he reaches for a clean cup, Meg appears at his side out of fucking nowhere, peering over a steaming cup of her own.

“You know, I’ve heard of dry-out joints where they don’t allow caffeinated beverages of any kind.” Her eyes narrow, and her voice hollows like she’s relaying a dreadful urban legend.

“That so?” Dean arches a brow as the liquid gold fills his cup.

Meg, clearly better caffeinated than he is and dead set on engaging him pre-coffee, makes a show of lounging against the beverage cart.

“Or cigarettes,” she adds, taking a pointed sip of her coffee.

Dean takes his first blessed drink with a deep moan and then realizes what she’s actually said. “Wait— we have cigarettes here?”

Meg slowly nods with the most impish smirk Dean’s ever seen, then inserts herself between Dean and the carafe to top off her own cup.

“You can buy them at the commissary. Except they’re almost always out. I have my sister send them to me by the carton.”

For the second time in barely 5 minutes, Dean feels like crying from joy. He examines his tiny savior as she turns to look up at him, blowing across the lid of her cup in what he assumes is her natural state of absolute mischief before taking his leap.

“I dunno how to say this without sounding sad and desperate, but I’ll do just about anything for a smoke right now.”

Meg chuckles, raking her gaze up and down his form. “Damn that pesky no-fraternizing rule.”

Dean narrows his eyes as he tilts his head and purses his lips. Turns out he doesn’t need to be all the way at the top of his game to charm the smokes out of even the shrewdest holders.

“You’re adorable.” Meg purrs, reaching her inside jacket pocket. “Does anyone ever say no to you?”

Dean mocks up a thoughtful expression. “Not usually.”

She pushes away from the coffee bar, sticking a cigarette between her lips and waving a second like a dog biscuit. “C’mon. Outside.”

Meg will either be his new best friend or his demise. Either way, he’ll do whatever she asks right now.

On their way out to the deck, a woman brushes past them, openly eyeing Dean. She’s petite and seductive, with dark hair, dark eyes, and porcelain skin. Dean licks his lips, and his pants excessively tighten for 7 o’clock in the morning.

Meg whistles and Dean jolts from his trance before following her out to the deck.

“You know you’ll get booted for that, right?” She tucks into herself and lights her smoke.

“What?” Dean plays dumb, accepting his treat and her simple plastic lighter.

Meg rolls her eyes and exhales. “Sex addict to sex addict? I could hear your dick serenading her.”

Dean chuckles and rolls his eyes, firing up his reward. He inhales deeply and revels in the mingling of nicotine with caffeine. As he exhales, a warm buzz seeps through his brain and out to his extremities.

“Might be worth it. Fuck, I need somethin’.”

“You don’t need that, I promise.” Meg leads Dean to a long sturdy table overlooking a wooded area. “Billie will not even think twice about transferring you out, and then you start all over.”

Dean chews his lip, letting his second exhale roll from his lips. He shakes his head and hands her lighter back to her as she hikes up onto the table, planting her feet on the bench.

He doesn't tell Meg that he wouldn’t go to another rehab; he’d go to jail — no Passing Go, no two hundred dollars, no starting over.

“Who’s Billie anyway?” He takes another drag and eases up onto the table next to Meg.

“Therapist,” she grunts, then exhales. “Recovering addict, general badass, and doesn’t miss a thing.”

He rolls his cigarette between his fingertips, momentarily lost in the glowing tip. “There’s gotta be a way around some of these bullshit rules, huh?”

Meg shakes her head. “Nope. I mean, some people get stuff or fuck around, but they always find out.”

Dean huffs a laugh and exhales. “Fuck around and find out — cute.”

She shrugs, chuckling along with him. “I have a few good ones now and then.”

They’re quiet as they finish their smokes and their coffees cool. Finally, Meg tosses her butt into the bucket of sand as she hops down from the tabletop.

“Breakfast? The bacon’s not bad.” She shoves her hands in her pockets, giggling when Dean groans.

“Oof, talk dirty to me, darlin’.” He squeezes the cherry from the end of his smoke as he slides from the table and follows Meg back inside.

Billie Pilgrim appears just as Dean imagined she would. She’s professionally dressed and attractive, but not overwhelmingly so. Yet Dean can feel the light tremor of gamma-ray inquisition flowing from underneath her calm exterior.

“Good morning, Dean.”

“Mornin’,” he replies, mimicking casual as he glances around the uncluttered and ordered office.

There’s a wall of louvered glass doors similar to the cafeteria but on a much smaller scale. It’s a neutral, open space designed to promote conversation; even Dean knows enough about psychology to suss that out.

“Have a seat.”

Dean nods before settling into an armchair. His anxiety kicks in when he sees Billie round her desk with a thick manila folder and a legal pad.

“Can I get you anything? Water? Coffee?”

“No thanks,” Dean answers, studying the chair’s upholstery and contrasting it with the denim of his worn jeans.

As Billie takes the seat across from him, he realizes too late that he still hasn’t made eye contact. When he finally does, he discovers her observing him without expression. He holds her gaze just as he shifts for comfort or cover.

“How’s your pain, Dean?” Billie opens the manila file.

“Better,” he replies.

Billie nods, flipping through the pages in the file. “Any questions about your prescribed medication?”

Dean shakes his head. “Discharging doc told me what to expect. Missouri’s a pro. Think we’re good.”

Her mention of medication as she peruses a hefty file all about him makes his chest tight, but he smiles and breathes through it.

Billie nods, organizing the file and her notepad before lacing her fingers together in her lap. “Well, then, let’s hop right in.”

“Great,” Dean agrees.

Billie fixes her face with a small smile but remains quiet.

Dean waits, not wanting to break first, but he’s agitated. He rolls his eyes. “This uhh... silent treatment/staring contest thing — does it really work for you?”

Billie chuckles before flipping to another page in her folder and making a note. She doesn’t answer his question.

“Are you aware of what caused you to lose consciousness on the morning of the incident?” She pauses, bringing her gaze back to him before swiping a hand down her notepad like she’s brushing away some ill-perceived dust.

Dean sticks his tongue into the side of his cheek and tilts his head. “I’m gonna go with drugs, alcohol, and an explosion. Am I warm?”

Billie nods. “To be clear, Dean, my job is to help you piece things together so that you better understand your story.”

“My story.”

Jack mentioned Crowley’s story last night. The psychobabble is going to drive him off a cliff.

“I’m asking if anyone has reviewed the series of events, the toxicology report, and your subsequent injuries with you.”

“Yeah, I got fucked up, disobeyed direct orders from my boss, and almost got myself blown up.”

Billie narrows her eyes and nods as she begins to read from the file.

“Your attorney agreed to tests and a search of your person. You carried 1.5 grams of cocaine for assumed personal use into a massive conflagration for which you were the chief in charge of four other firefighters — plus the life of a teenage boy inside the building.”

Dean drops his eyes and bobs his head, then squeezes his eyes shut.

“All stop. All stop!”

The blunt edges of his fingernails dig into his palms.

“You then tested with a BAC of .23. At 9 AM.”

Dean nods again as the words knit together to tell his story — one of negligence and ruin. He knows this; she doesn’t have to tell him. Why the fuck does she think he drinks?

“Also found in the tox screen: marijuana, Vicodin, Valium, and coke.” She closes the file and slips it under her notepad. “Quite the mix.”

Dean twists his lips into a wry smirk. “Well, I like to be thorough,” he drawls.

Billie studies him closely. “Do you always use humor to deflect?” she asks, jotting more notes.

“No, sometimes I use sex and drugs.”

“Touché.”

She continues to write things on her giant pad and act like she isn’t conversing with a human being while Dean grinds his teeth and imagines what it would feel like to punch a hole through the wall.

“I understand you have a teenage daughter.”

“Anything about me you don’t know?” He gestures toward the fat file in her lap.

Billie shakes her head. “Just the basic outline. I’m hopin’ you’ll give me the colors.”

Dean remains silent. So far, her line of questioning has been nothing but intimidation tactics and shaming. Dean sees no reason to team up with her.

She sighs, sliding her notepad inside the big file with the rest of Dean’s mistakes. “Listen, Dean; I’m here to help you. You did some bad things that your brother Sam can’t defend, and over the next 28 days, you’ll need to decide how you want to move forward with your life.”

“Yeah. I get that.” He grinds his teeth.

“Especially with joint custody of a teenage girl.”

Dean flicks his eyes to hers. He can no longer stem his rage. “Are you threatening me?”

Billie doesn’t miss a beat. “You’re threatening yourself, Dean.”

“Alcohol is a depressant; after prolonged use, the body must respond. To offset those effects, the brain starts producing a large number of chemicals like serotonin, dopamine, and epinephrine.”

Dean is absolutely positive that the slide presentation is filled with the most gruesome and extreme photos of alcohol- and drug-damaged organs anyone could find on the world wide web.

“Jesus Christ. What’s next, a honey bath with a million red ants?”

“Shut up,” Crowley hisses from four seats over, and Dean rolls his eyes, snatching a baby carrot from Pamela’s bowl of raw vegetables.

He scowls at the tiny, orange root before deciding to gnaw on it anyway.

“What’s his fuckin’ deal?” he murmurs, slumping into his seat

“Other than being a miserable old queen?” Meg asks, reaching across Dean to nab a slice of bell pepper from Pamela’s stash.

“Really?” Dean raises a brow as he chews.

Pamela snorts. “What’s the surprise — that he’s pathetic or gay?”

Dean pulls a sturgeon face. “I dunno why I even care, honestly.”

“When you suddenly quit alcohol, the brain continues to produce these substances in the same quantities, and the body’s flooded with chemicals at dangerously high levels.

Alcohol withdrawal symptoms include insomnia, restlessness, hand tremors, anxiety...”

“Do they think we’re all layin’ around gettin’ a full eight hours every night?” Dean gripes.

He doesn’t see it, but he knows Crowley and Rowena are glaring at him. He should probably reel in the MST3K of the educational videos for a while.

He sinks lower in his seat with a pout. “Why’s she so chummy with him, ya think?”

Meg shrugs, nibbling on her bell pepper and sliding her stocking feet across Dean’s lap. “She mothers everyone. Jack? I get. But him? Ugh.”

Dean immediately sets to work, kneading and squeezing Meg’s feet like they do this kind of thing all the time. It’s comforting to have the connection. He’s thankful he found her and Pamela so quickly; otherwise, he’d already be in jail.

The instructor raises the lights and takes questions as she loads up the next reel of slides. Meg’s gaze wanders momentarily until she locates Jack sitting on the floor with a couple of other teenagers.

“That was me when I was his age, ya know? I started just as early.”

Dean quietly rubs her feet, listening. He wouldn’t say he was Meg or Jack, but he did some shady shit when he was a teenager to put food on the table for himself and Sam.

“Not to be Debbie Downer,” Meg quips.

“That’s what we’re here for, right? Sharin’ and growin’?” Dean smirks, digging a knuckle into her arch.

Meg’s eyes roll back and she moans, curling her toes. “Holy shit.”

Dean chuckles, pressing his tongue behind his teeth, and Pamela says something about getting a room.

“You haven’t shared yet, though.” Pamela points out, offering him another baby carrot. Dean opens his mouth and she pops the small veggie into the abyss. “How’d things go with Billie today?”

Dean munches his snack with an eye roll. “Slapped my wrist, gave me homework, and now I get to clean up after dinner.”

“So, standard first meeting,” Pamela says, and Meg nods.

“I dunno, man, it felt like she was trying to piss me off. Like she had a score to settle. She kept bringin’ up my daughter.”

Pamela nods, turning closer toward Dean. “Does your daughter live with you?”

Dean glances at Pamela then sort of shakes his head. No one likes people who put kids in danger — their own or anyone else’s — but he can’t say that Em wasn’t there that morning as some kind of answer because she’s seen plenty.

“Joint custody.”

The lights go down again, and the instructor starts the audio. Before the second slide, Pamela nudges Dean and slides him her phone.

“Hey, how d’you get a phone?” he whispers, and she chuckles.

“You’ll earn it back." She points to two young kids on her screen. "These’re my boys. Jesse Jr. and Bodhi.”

Dean grins at the sunny smiles, radiating from the screen. “Coupla handsome kids ya got there, PB. Jesse Sr.?”

“Killed in Afghanistan.” Pamela’s smile and answer are both soft and subdued as she pockets her phone. “What’s your girl’s name?”

Dean suddenly feels very heavy and tired. “Emma.”

“As soon as you get your phone back, you call Emma,” Pamela whispers before relaxing back into her seat.

Dean nods.

Emma stopped taking his calls and blocked his texts months before. Should he say that to Pamela?

Meg drags her feet from his lap and leans forward. “Welp, I’ve seen this one, folks, so I’m gonna duck out and play cards with Gabe.”

“But this is riveting cinema, Megan,” Dean mutters, and Meg chuckles, ruffling his hair.

“See ya at dinner,” Pamela whispers, and Meg waves. “Do I get a foot massage next?”

Dean snorts a laugh, turning to face Pamela as she kicks her clogs off to rest her feet in his lap.

Later that week, Dean sets about his assigned tasks of wiping down every table and chair before laying out breakfast set-ups for the following day. He appreciates the rote chores because they allow him to just breathe for a bit — no purposeful conversation or tip-toeing around bitchy, old Crowley.

As he’s stripping the required protective gloves off to wash his hands, he spots the dark beauty he and Meg saw on Tuesday morning. She’s alone in one of the peripheral seating areas, watching him over the top of an open book.

He drops his gaze to see the hand not holding her book buried between her legs. His gut clenches, and his cock stirs. He bites his tongue and wills himself to breathe as he tosses the gloves in the trash and turns to wash his hands.

He’s staring into the steaming stream of water when she speaks.

“I’ve seen you around. I’d like to see more.”

Dean closes his eyes and swears under his breath. She slides up against his backside like they’re in a dance club, skating her hands up under the front of his t-shirt. His core muscles clench so hard it hurts.

“You’re really hot.”

He twists the knobs to close before dropping the nail brush into its grated plate and shaking the excess water from his hands.

“Is your dick as pretty as your face?”

Dean slowly turns and places his hands on her shoulders. “You’re gonna get us into trouble.”

“C’mon, Dean.”

He tilts his head, searching her dark eyes and lifting her chin with a thumb and forefinger. “How d’you know my name?”

She laughs; it’s practiced and sensual. “Everyone with a pulse in this place knows your name, Dean. I’m Constance.”

She reaches for his other hand and slides it into the loosened top of her dress. Saliva pools in his mouth as she closes his fingers around her bare, heavy breast.

He moans and dips in to kiss her mouth, jaw, and throat, then slides his hand into her dark locks. She feels so good — familiar and welcoming. He wants to rip into her, to be on his knees with his face in her cunt, to feel her throbbing heat.

“Did you make yourself come, watchin’ me?” Dean walks her backward into the dark, quiet kitchen.

“Uh-huh.” She slides her hand down and wraps her fingers around the growing bulge in his pants. “Fuck, I want this inside me.”

Dean’s mind races with how exactly Billie defines fraternizing. What if he fucks her standing up? What if he just fingers her or tastes her? God, he wants to taste her.

But he knows what happens if they get caught.

Before he can further hypothesize, the kitchen lights are glaring. Dean breaks away from her hot curves, and she gasps.

“Hey! There you two are!" Gabe grins like a game show host, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. In fact, he looks terrified. "We’re watchin’ Titanic. You should join. We’ve got a pool goin’ — could Jack fit on that door or not?”

Dean huffs a laugh and pushes his hand through his hair. “Damn, I do love Kate and Leo.” He doesn't look at Comstance when he wipes his mouth with a wince. He stopped wearing the arm sling, but that doesn’t mean his shoulder’s completely healed.

He exits the kitchen quickly, with Gabe on his heels and Constance calling his name in the distance.

“Uh, you’re welcome,” Gabe mutters when he catches up to Dean’s retreat.

Dean sighs and tosses Gabe a look of appreciation. “Thanks, man.”

“That Constance Welch, what a fuckin’ menace,” Gabe cracks as they round the corner to the TV room, and Dean busts out a genuine laugh.

Chapter 5

Please let me know what you think!

Series Masterlist

MJ’s Masterlist

#au dean winchester #dean winchester is saved

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cryingyetcourageous · 7 months

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Headcanon: Essential Tremor

One of my favorite ways to make headcanons is to overanalyze canon and keep extending it to realistic conclusions. Like, Raivis shakes a lot. He's the only one I'm aware of where, rather than it being for a quick bit joke, it carries on and is seen in many interactions, even being acknowledged by other characters. It could easily be dismissed as "lol, lil scared guy is shaky, haha, he's so nervous" but guys-

He has also, canonically, had his spine crushed so severely that it's stunted his growth. Dude has nerve damage. Can you imagine what being pushed down on for centuries to the point of reducing someone's height by no less than 10 cm would do to the central nervous system? He's not scared all the time: he's got an injury-induced disability (not that shaking solely due to mental illness would be any less valid; Anxiety is a diagnosis, not a moral failure).

So, I carry that further-

In a situation like that, it makes sense that heightened emotions would worsen symptoms, but it probably wouldn't be limited to anxiety: being excited/happy or angry would exacerbate it, too. Any swing of the pendulum away from "neutral/calm" would excite his nervous system and make the shakiness more noticeable, as would physical activity. He's just as likely to shake when he's excited to see an old friend again as he is when an asshole driver nearly hits him as he's crossing the street. Positive emotions can be just as strong and, technically, just as disruptive.

But he's also found ways to manage, some healthy, some less so. At home, he probably uses a lot of wooden, metal, or plastic dishware. Personally, I lean towards him preferring wooden for bowls/plates and reusable plastic for cups... but he still has ceramic mugs. He will risk them shattering because it feels wrong to drink tea in anything else, and besides, he gets free mugs from events all the time.

He writes a bit more slowly than some people, and rather than fighting himself on trying to make smooth, coherent lines/curves, he instead "sketches" his letters. Multiple short strokes. He's tried typing instead, but for him personally, that's slower. For particularly long meetings, he does his best, but usually gets copies of notes from Liet or Eesti. (He used to make audio recordings, but between the background noise of people speaking over the presentations and the security risk, that's not a great option.)

For hobbies, he's found work-arounds. Playing the kokle is the one that took the longest to adjust to since it relies so heavily on fine motor skills, but because his tremor is usually rhythmic/consistent, he's learned to work with it so long as he doesn't play for too long, which tends to make it more exaggerated and less predictable. Crochet and knitting are much the same - short sessions with breaks. Singing isn't too affected as long as, again, he doesn't overdo it. Other hobbies aren't really impacted much.

I usually write him with a stutter, which is less because of nerves themselves and more because his voice wavers and, when it does so, he has a habit of trying to say the word/syllable again. Some sounds are more difficult than others, like "y". I don't know how to explain it except that y moves from one part of the mouth to another, and that "movement" gives a lot of room to extend too far. It also tends to be worse at the beginnings of sentences or directly after pauses. When he's really deep in thought and sort of thinking outloud, he stutters less because he's too distracted to notice his voice wavering. When he's more excited, positively or negatively, it often worsens because he's trying to get this thought/idea/feeling across and is more aware of every little "slip up" in his delivery, more likely to stumble over himself.

He's noted to have an alcohol tolerance that should be physically impossible for someone his size (40 "glasses" of alcohol. It doesn't specify kind, but regardless, that would give someone his size a BAC of 1.74 [beer] to 13.95 [spirits]). It's not a stretch to think of it as self-medicating, both in response to mental health because he has put up with so much shit jfc give him a break and also because alcohol is... a depressant! Alcohol is proven to reduce essential tremors. However, this is a very shitty fix because alcohol withdrawals significantly exacerbate them, so it's not great.

Anyways thanks for coming to my TEDtalk

#About Raivis #hws latvia #Canon: *one throw-away line about crushing*#Me: Do you mean a realistic explanation for multiple character traits?#I feel like nation healing is much like nation aging: not that reliable/consistent. Will he heal from this? Probably.#How long will it take? What national status/events will impact it? Who knows!#It definitely isn't as bad as it used to be but whether that's from physical recovery or adapting to it is impossible to say.#hetalia latvia #has rotted my brain for 13 years now #hetalia headcanons #i suffer

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