my family’s disabled. EDS and tethered cord confirmed in some but everyone has roughly the same progression of symptoms. my mom and sibling have already had tethered cord release surgery and we’re in the process of looking at my spine.

im in the process of figuring out what’s normal and what’s not, how to identify sensations, how to take care of myself, how to cope with a body that works less and less. i am also autistic, so for me, that means identifying specific feelings and sensations can be difficult

so earlier today i was woken up from a nap by my mom telling me she’s leaving for dinner with my stepdad. im always down for pad thai so i get myself up, together, and out the door in about five minutes. which is not really enough time to assess how my body is feeling, which is difficult for me anyway.

before dinner im already feeling a little lightheaded and clammy and i figure i just need to eat, which i do, and it is in fact worse. i excuse myself for the restroom, thinking it’s because my stomach’s been weird, don’t feel better. silently rushing my mom to wrap up chatting with my family bc i feel like i need to be home. make it home, curl up on the recliner, feel some sharp pains along my spine, watch a little star trek, eat some leftovers, yknow 

then my mom comes into my room before bed and says that she recognized how i was feeling at dinner. cold but feeling overheated, clammy, pale, almost a bit dizzy, hungry but not hungry, needing to put my head in my hands and shift around, uncomfortable but unable to pinpoint what's wrong. she says, i've felt like that a lot too, for decades, and i always think did i eat enough protein did i drink enough did i do something wrong to trigger something i can’t recognize, and actually?

i think it’s just pain. 

which is currently kind of blowing my mind a bit to realize, that although i know people with chronic pain will not recognize their pain the same as able bodied people

i am more likely to feel the side effects of pain than the pain itself 

put another way, i am experiencing my body reacting to pain whether or not i feel more or less than usual of what i think of as pain (sharp, shooting, twinge, spasm, pointy ache..).

I thought of general pain or the constant background pain as just a low ache that maybe comes with some stiffness and soreness, but I am feeling it through other senses and manifestations as well

so im really rethinking about how to recognize and predict and categorize and classify pain. it made me think of the emotions wheel, which you probably recognize a version of if you’ve had therapy 

and i think something like this with words for physical sensations like restless, queasy, tight, collapsible, unsteady, foggy, tensed, and probably better words i’m not thinking of, would be a helpful start to identify how to communicate what is going on with my body 

is this relatable to anyone? how do you recognize and communicate feelings in your body that you’ve gotten used to but are not medically “normal”? what words would you put on the sensation wheel? 

For my besties who have issues identifying what they're feeling <3

I found this through a fav youtuber of mine, Boze. She does true crime for ADHD lads with a side of psychological breakdown of each situation. Super rad. This a wheel she introduced in one of her videos a while back, and I think it could be useful to my fellow losers.

Where older media beams one-way messages into your eyes and ears, social media directly interfaces with your limbic system, squirting fear, anger, desire, disgust, acceptance, joy, shame, trust, paranoia, hate, and love right into your lizard brain. I never have enough attention points to protect myself and the flood subsumes me every single day.

2x01 | 2x08

Still not over fit stuttering "d-do-do you wanna hug...?" To pac yesterday. Btw. Still thinkin about it

thinking about how lanfear interrupted a very much needed conversation between siuan and moiraine as revenge for moiraine cockblocking her in episode 4. she really uno reversed her

"While it's fresh. I need everyone to tell me what they saw and heard, so that I can write it down. There will never be a better time."

Of all the accounts Loial gathered in Thakan'dar that day, the Aes Sedai's proved the most difficult to acquire. Those who remained were elusive, bustling around the Healing tents and churned fields. Nynaeve Sedai and her helpers, paying no heed to the fragility of Humans, were bringing back from the brink of death so many that a constant flow of barely healed soldiers and channelers shuffled toward the Travelling grounds, freeing much-needed beds inside the tents.

Moiraine Sedai would not answer his inquiries about the events at Shayol Ghul either, intent as she was on the care of a drawn, but gently chiding Tairen woman.

I read the wheel of time books in middle school and was deeply, deeply obsessed with them, so now I’m incapable of thinking critically about the show at all. Every time one of my faves (read: any character) is on the screen I’m just like “THATS MY BEST FRIEND FROM WHEN I WAS THIRTEEN”

Cairhien Costs

2x03 - 2x04

I know Brennan described Steel once as furious that a D&D game is happening, and it's funny on the surface, but man did he make us feel what that means this episode. She's right: over a hundred people who had no idea why the kudzu was growing out of control and were just trying to stop it from overtaking the city died unnecessarily. Port Talon has undergone the equivalent of several natural disasters while already harboring refugees from the surrounding countryside. Any one of the three PCs could have died and all nearly did. Ame is currently in a coma from fucking around with the curse. Like, yeah, actually, extremely valid of her to be exhausted and upset with the PCs, even though from the perspective of the listener, obviously the story is way better with the PCs fucking around and finding out rather than obediently waiting.

"Was it hard?" "What?"

I’m feeling some kind of way about the fact that while every single one of the main characters contributed to the Falme battle in their own way, it was the three who spent most or all of the season feeling most powerless, lesser, or lacking who ended up helping in the most pivotal and powerful ways

what are these things I’m feeling?!

Explanation of Dr Plutchik’s Wheel

Farhaaz Dhuka’s explanation of how he found this wheel helpful, as a child sorting through what he was feeling, and as a writer.

"This is some of the most fun work we’ve seen from the talented actor Dónal Finn all season; he gets that Mat is a depressive character, and so when Mat has moments of joy and elation — whether that’s simply reuniting with his friends or realizing he was born to be the leader of the most legendary assemblage of heroes ever known — he really makes them almost radiate inner sunlight. It’s just a pleasure to see Mat happy." –Vulture

moiraine abandoning her little sister to clean up their family's entire mess for decades so she could run off and commit homosexual espionage against the wizard catholic church without ever sending so much as a postcard

Obi Wan: You seem to be doing much better lately.

Anakin, nodding: I am so glad that I know I’m bi polar now. I got the right meds, I got a mood ring. I’m handling it.