you can have an ed at any size, gender, age. skinny, normal, fat. male, female, nonbinary. 8, 16, 19, 40. it doesnt matter. anybody can a have a ed

Fasting and restricting are getting easier now that I’ve been back at for for a little bit. It feels a little easier than it was in high school.

Even if I eat my max calorie limit every day and dint do any exercise I’ll be ~13 pounds from my goal weight, which means I have wiggle room when I’m at events where I have to eat. (The the wedding and the engagement party I’ll be at this weekend, or going to see my family)

I’m really trying to lose 26% of my body weight and I’m giving myself a decent amount of time. End of April next year. If I just keep taking deep breaths and staying focused, I can do it. I know I can.

This really feels like an ana meme to me. A deactivated account. A picture removed so the caption no longer makes sense. And a whole buncha notes.

Me: *checks out food item*

Food item: 450 calories

My ED:

I survived my traumatic childhood, a fucking facebook predator, more abuse then I can actually remember, and all I got in return was cptsd, bpd, anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder. I guess I'm just destined to have a shitty ass life forever? K cool no thanks I'd rather just die.

Restricting but not for weight loss

Does anyone restrict at first for control and weight loss  but then it turns into so much more? Like, for me, I start restricting but it just turns into how much pain can I cause my body, how many days can I get away with not eating, how long before I faint? Yes, I’m still obsessed with calories and the number on the scale but it’s so much more than that.. It’s control, pain a personal vendetta against your body a record you want to beat. anyone else or just me?

if you don't mind saying, what are (all) the things you got diagnosed with. i saw the yakko warner thing and it made me laugh. i've gone through about 5 myself so far

oh no i don’t mind listing them all because it is absolutely hysterical but also there is a nonzero chance i forget at least one. a concept which i promise will make sense when you see the size of the list. *extremely deep inhale*

disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (no) unspecified neurodevelopmental disorder (it was ADHD) major depressive disorder (no) major depression with psychotic features (still no) premenstrual depressive disorder (also no) dysthymia (no) rapid-cycling cyclothymia (yes) reverse seasonal affective disorder (yes) borderline personality disorder (no - actually ADHD) narcissistic personality disorder (not fully) antisocial personality disorder (yes) scizoid personality disorder (no) schizotypal personality disoder (no) paranoid personality disorder (no. also at one point i think i had 5 PDs at once) schizoaffective disorder (no) unspecified dissociative disorder (no) depersonalisation-derealisation disorder (solid maybe) bulimia (no) eating disorder not otherwise specified (no - part of ADHD) excoriation disorder (no - part of ADHD) PTSD (no) restless leg syndrome (yes) unspecified sleep disorder (no - part of ADHD) ADHD *wheeze* my psychotic symptoms are actually textbook brief psychotic disorder but it has not been diagnosed bc my psychiatrist simply has not heard of the concept of brief psychosis i’m not putting generalised anxiety disorder on this list bc despite his repeated attempts i never let him actually do it

so we’re working on a bio project

actually i’m writing this in world cultures but that’s fine because i’m working on my bio project

anyways

the project is on anorexia and bulimia and eating disorders not otherwise specified and i was the one who chose the topic because of course I chose it

and it had me thinking as i was doing research

am i the Not Otherwise Specified?

last year, i restricted my diet to only 800 calories but i 1) never ate them all 2) exercised the ones i did eat off

that’s only a few hundred a day

i tried to starve myself but it didn’t work

i tried to purge and tried to hard to throw up i vomited blood

and i was just thinking

am i the not otherwise specified?

i have a plethora of mental health disorders

social anxiety

ocd

possible depression

and a history of self harm

and past abuse and trauma

am i the Not Otherwise Specified?

October 27th, 2013. 1:52 PM.

Recovery by Frank Turner is playing while I eat lunch.

Just made me smile a little. 

eating disorder thoughts

no one cares because im fat

My boyfriend wants pizza for dinner and I’m internally screaming.

I was going to eat “lunch” but then he said that so I’m just going to keep fasting until he wants to eat and I’ve already done the math on how much I’ll allow myself to have. Which, I mean, actually since it will be my entire day’s allotted calories will be a decent amount, if I even manage to eat that much.

And part of me is like “hey dumbfuck, you’re going out of town tomorrow and might have to be active or stand for long periods of time so you might want to eat so you don’t pass out in front of a bunch of witnesses!!!!”

I can’t wait until I’m back to work and I dont have to sit at home all day agonizing over food. I’ll be at a desk, busy for 8 hours. Then I can come home and eat. It’ll be like high school all over again.

I hate that I think like this 🙃

Me, trying to disguise a relapse as being healthy, and already getting stressed about all the details. “Haha no I’m fine. Just tired and stressed about life, you know?”

I want to add, so you want to know why I’ve been struggling with relapsing??? Because I might be getting married in less than a year!!

Yeah might be a wife to the love of my life and we might be moving across the country so naturally my hellbrain is like “YOU HAVE TO BE A CONTROL FREAK AND YOU HAVE TO BE SMALL. HE WON’T LEAVE YOU IF YOURE SMALL”

Y’all I’m tired. I don’t want to be like this. But it’s been almost a decade. It’s a part of me now that I can’t let go of.

Writing exams = bingeing and purging

I never binge and purge this much but I’m so stressed because of exams it’s what I’ve been doing every night. I get that wonderful purging high and I forget just for a few minutes the reality of my life.