#but this instance i was... kinda disappointed that this was all the conversation was about. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fictionalmenmakemecry · 3 years

Text

Hot Public Shit

SPOILERS ALERT: If you haven't finishing watching TVD, there might be some spoilers for you. I don't tell any of the story but it might spoil some of the character relationships that later develop in the show. (I personally hate spoilers so I'm making this as clear as possible)

Character: Damon x reader, Enzo, Stefan, Caroline and Bonnie

Summary: During a celebration dinner you try your best to push Damon to brink of losing control. He doesn't let you get away with it. He doesn't even wait til you get home.

Warnings: HEAVY SMUT (+18) , Spoilers, Cursing

(HEAVY SMUT includes unprotected sex, daddy kink, public sex, choking, heavy sexual terminology and masturbation)

"How long is this going to be?" Damon whined getting out of his Camaro and slamming the door shut.

"Damon, you promised that you would behave tonight. It's Stefan and Caroline's night." I looped around the car placing my hands on his chest looking him in the eyes.

"They've been married for like what? A year? That's nothing when your nearly 180 years old" Damon rolled his eyes

"They've been through a lot this year" I brushed his shirt down bringing my eyes to his chest

"So have we." Damon brought my face back up to his gently holding my chin.

"We can have our own celebration" I whispered giving a flirty smile.

"Mmm, I like that sound of that" Damon hummed bringing his head down to my neck and kissing it.

A soft moan escaped my lips feeling his warm breath hit my skin.

"How about we celebrate tonight, with me eating your perfect pussy out until you make a mess on my face" Damon whispered bringing his face up giving a lascivious smile.

I could feel my face turning red and my core starting to wake up from memories of familiar nights.

I snapped myself out from zoning out and pulled away from Damon kissing my neck.

"I would love that, but right now we should go in and be good guests. I know Caroline has been slaving over the oven all day making sure we were still going to come." I took Damon's hand and dragged him up the drive way.

We knocked on the door and in a instance Caroline was opening it.

"Welcome guys!" She cheered raising her arms to gesture us in.

I could just feel Damon's eyes roll into the back of his head hearing her high pitched voice.

"Thanks for having us Caroline" I grinned bringing her into a hug.

"I'm just happy that you're hear" She said chipperly

I walked further into the house to see Stefan, Bonnie and Enzo all chilling near the fire, enjoying their drinks.

"Hey!" I greeted walking towards Stefan.

We hugged and Damon and I plopped ourselves down on the couch on the other side of the fireplace.

We chatted and enjoyed our drinks soaking up the heat of the fire as Caroline and Stefan finished cooking the dinner. I look over to see how happy Bonnie was as Enzo showered her in kisses and wrapped his arm around her waist keeping her close to him. Bonnie deserved happiness and Enzo was that person that could give her that. I glanced over to Damon who leaned back onto the couch enjoying his bourbon. I rested back into his chest wanting to appreciate the rare and happy memories we were making.

"You okay?" He looked down, bring his arm around me caressing my lower back.

"Yeah, I'm just happy I'm here with you" I raised my head, meeting his cold blue eyes.

As the night went on, dinner was served which seemed to be a never ending trail of food. It felt like we were having a 12 course dinner. By the end we were all stuffed and continuing to slowly get through our drinks. We were starting to get more relaxed and happy as the liquor made its way around, leading to interesting conversations between us all.

I looked over to see Damon finishing off the bottle by pouring the rest of it into his glass. Seeing his hand grip around the glass and bringing the liquor up to his pink lips, sparked a little flame deep inside of me. I squirmed in my chair, feeling the affect of all the alcohol playing a part in my random horniness. I brought my hand down under the table and rest it on his thigh, leaning closer to him. He looked over to me with his eyes slightly gazed over. I know he was also feeling the same buzz I was feeling. I ran my fingers lightly further up his thigh and rest it on his stiffening package. I glanced up at him while palming him gently. He shifted in his seat and took a deep breath. He looked at me with narrowed eyes telling me not to test him. I bit my lip knowing what that did to him. He came close to my ear and I could feel the heat radiate off his body.

"You want to play this game?" He whispered softly in my ear.

I turned my head giving him a quick smirk and brought my drink up to my mouth knowing I was going to have a fun night ahead.

"So guys, I think we need to bring out the real guns" Caroline said walking up to the table slightly hyper from all the activities.

We all turned our attention to her and saw her with two massive bottles of tequila.

"I'm ready" Enzo shifting in his sit giving a quick look to Damon.

I knew both of them were going to want to test each other which would mostly result in both of them passed out on the floor from neither of them wanting to tap out.

"Let's make this more interesting... How about truth or... drink?" Caroline arched her eyebrow cracking the fresh seal on the caps of the bottles.

"I like the sound of that" Damon smirked bringing his hand under the table resting it on my thigh and giving it a light squeeze.

When Damon drank, he would heat up like a furnace. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with his body keeping up with burning off the alcohol. The heat from his hand spread across my delicate skin on my leg. It made me shift uncontrollably.

The questions were getting pretty detailed early in, bringing people to drink more tequila than they liked. In turn making people more loose with their thoughts and secrets.

"Okay, I got one" Enzo leaned over, his eyes getting more gazed and speech slowed down.

"If you could only have sex in public or sex once a month?" He looked around watching people think about it.

"Um.. H-how public?" Caroline hiccupped.

"The chance of a stranger catching you any minute" He explained

Stefan took a swig of a shot of tequila.

"Really Stefan? You're no fun" I complained

"What do you expect? Stefan doesn't like to have interesting conversations" Damon looked away in annoyance.

"Sorry, I just think that's kinda private" Stefan put his hands up laying back in his chair.

"Come on Stefan!" Caroline exclaimed with a frown on her face.

"Well, public shit is pretty hot. So I wouldn't have a problem with it" Damon winked at me bringing his hand an inch higher.

I took a deep breath to stop myself from moving against his hand as it was dangerously close to my covered pussy.

"I think so too. Some of the best sex I've had has been in public" I smirked seeing Damon's mouth open slightly from the corner of my eye.

"I think you're right, there's something about it" Bonnie added leaning into Enzo grinning.

"Let's get to the nit and gritty" Damon wiped his bottom lip with two fingers and continued.

"Choking. Yay or nay?" He looked around the table.

"Okay, I call quits. I'm out." Stefan got up from the table

"Stefan?! it's just a game." Caroline protested bringing her hands onto the table.

"I'm not talking about this with my brother across from the table" Stefan walked away from the table and made his way to the kitchen.

"Vanilla like always" I heard Damon say under his breath.

Caroline's face was covered in disappointment. She gathered some empty plates and glasses and followed Stefan.

Damon cleared his throat bringing our attention back to him.

"I never had it done to me" Bonnie replied looking at Enzo.

"No?" Enzo smirked rubbing her hand gently on the table.

"What about you... baby girl?" Damon whispered the latter part not wanting to draw attention

"I haven't tried it..." I hesitated ".. but I want to" I looked down at his lips feeling my pussy pulse with his hand graze against my underwear.

"We are gonna have to fix that, aren't we?" Damon leaned closer licking his lips.

We heard someone lightly cough bringing our minds back to where we were. We broke our trance and pulled away. I could feel blood to rush my face in embarrassment.

"I think it's time we should head out" Damon trying to act casual and cover up his eagerness to get out.

I looked over to Bonnie who was moving her eyebrows up and down smirking. I glared at her, knowing it was obvious why we were in a sudden rush to leaving.

Damon gave one last tight squeeze to my thigh, feeling his strength in his hand, did not help my self control of keeping everything PG. He brushed his hand lightly against my underwear before lifting it away. I whimpered uncontrollably but no one heard.

We all got up from the table and said our goodbyes, put on our coats and made our way out of the house. I could feel Damon's eyes never leaving me as we walked out onto the driveway. We got into the dark Camaro, feeling the cold leather on my bare legs that brought shivers up my spine.

"You're in trouble now" Damon said taking a deep breath in and revving the Camaro to life.

He swung the car out of the driveway and sped up the road. I looked over to see that there was definitely something else on his mind and I had an idea of what it was. I trailed my eyes down to his now, tight black jeans.

"Those jeans look awfully tight and uncomfortable" I teased keeping my eyes on him.

"Don't. I can barely think straight as it is" Damon kept his eyes on the road.

"What you waiting for then?" I bit my lip, wanting him to lose control.

He looked over at me with the same lust I had in my eyes.

"If I have to pull over, you won't be able to walk for the next week." Damon clenched his jaw

"That's fine by me..... Daddy" I added feeling myself soak through my underwear.

Damon suddenly swerved the car into a empty parking lot and drove to the end, shaded with trees. He put the car into park and turned off the engine. The only sounds were us breathing and the distance sounds of the city in the distance.

He pulled his seat the whole way back. and leaned over grabbing my waist bringing me onto his lap. I let out a moan, finally feeling some fiction against my pussy.

"Try to stay quiet, understand?" Damon grabbed my jaw looking into my eyes.

I nodded willingly, wanting any relief possible. He moved his hand to my cheek and we brought our mouths together, feeling his tongue dip in and out. I grinded up against him to bring us any kind of pleasure. I could hear his groan in the back of his throat.

"I can't take this anymore" I pulled away panting.

I lifted up reaching down to unbuckle his belt and he helped pulling down his jeans, making his cock spring up enthusiastically. I brought my hand down, pumping him gently and seeing his eyes roll to the back of his head in pleasure. His head leaning back to the head rest.

"You like that Daddy?" I whispered

"Fuck, I want to ruin you completely" He opened his eyes pushing my hair out of face.

"What's stopping you?" I said softly.

In that instant, he couldn't control himself, he raised my dress and ripped my underwear with ease.

"These will just be in the way" He smirked tossing them to the passenger seat.

I could feel his finger ease into my folds and feel myself falling apart. I rested my arms on his shoulders leaning my head back and savoring the pleasure spreading across my body.

"You like when I rub your clit like this?" He kissed my neck while his finger lightly circled my clit, my juices covering his hand.

"So wet for me, baby girl" He hummed bringing his fingers up to his mouth and sucking on them.

"Fuck me" I moaned bringing my hand down and easing his cock inside me.

We both sink into it, taking each other in for a couple of seconds. I could feel myself sucking him in deeper.

"I don't think I can be gentle with you tonight baby" He looked into my eyes

"I don't want you to be" I leaned in kissing him. "Fuck me hard" .

I kneeled up, giving him room to thrust, wanting to feel the power of him. We moaned in ecstasy. Feeling him completely raw in me made us feel close wanting each other even more.

The sounds of our skin slapping and our heavy breathing and moaning. I never felt so wet in my life.

"I want you to touch yourself while I fuck you" He breathed out.

I gathered up my dress in one hand and brought the other down massaging my swollen clit.

"Damon, fuck" I moaned feeling my orgasm starting to built.

"That's it baby girl, keep touching yourself" He said breathing heavily staring at me pleasuring myself.

We fucked and I could feel the car heating up and fogging up the windows. He pulled down the shoulders of my dress exposing my breasts. He slowed down his thrusts, leaned down to suck on my nipples. His warm breath was enough to get them hard.

"..daddy" I whimpered feeling the edge getting closer.

"Close?" He whispered bringing his hand to the back of my head and grabbing my hair.

I nodded eagerly moving my hips. He start fucking me harder, not faster but harder which meant he was close. I wanted him to completely control me. I wanted him to overpower me.

"Choke me" I moaned looking into his eyes.

Something switched in his eyes. He looked into my eyes a second longer, making sure I wanted it.

I could feel his hand grasp my bare neck. I could feel his fingers tightening on the side. My pulse in my ears. My blood constricted. It was the very thing to push my over the edge.

Feeling his cock pound into me while choking me made me fall apart with a burst of pleasure

"I'm-I'm cummin" I moaned loudly, meeting my eyes with his as I shake uncontrollably.

"Fuck, baby.. I-i can't hold on" Damon groaned feeling his pumps getting messy and feeling his cum erupt inside me, pleasure covered our bodies bringing them close together and falling into each other. Damon's hand dropped from my throat and bringing it around my waist holding me against him as we recovered.

"I never have had..." I breathed out not having the energy to think of the words.

"Me neither" Damon sighed stroking my hair

All I could hear were both of our racing heart beats. Our sweaty skin pressed together feeling the heat in the car and completely forgetting we were in a parking lot.

Masterlist for other fics

#damon #Damonsalvatore #damon salvatore #damon x reader #tvd #the vampire diaries #bonnie #enzo #caroline #stefan salvatore #vampires #smut #imagines #fluff #fanfic #fan fiction

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glasschampagne · 3 years

Text

The Yule Ball

MASTERLIST

(James organizes 'date tryouts' to find his sister the perfect date)

Word Count: 3.8 k

Warnings: swearing, general stupidity and Remus Lupin's nice arse.

Author’s Note: Thank you for your support! Btw this is one of my favs

******

The Great Hall was always a mess at breakfast time, but since Professor Dumbledore had announced a Christmas Ball was going to be held at the school; students seemed more talkative than usual. Mary MacDonald was by far the most excited at the Gryffindor table, she had never attended any event of the sort and could not talk about anything else. Her friends indulged her conversation, but secretly they were just as eager as her, if not more.

And being friends with some of the most attractive and funny people on campus, Mary would not drop the subject of ball dates until she saw all her friends happily paired up.

“Come on guys, you have to bring dates!” she begged.

Marlene decided to use that instance to ask Dorcas Meadowes to be her date. Although it was quite a dull and friendly-sounding proposal, she accepted and softly muttered something along the lines of “took you long enough”. Marlene was the only person who was not aware of the hints Dorcas had been dropping her.

Lily hadn´t received any invitations yet. She was new to this type of uncertainty. In the past, she would have just gone with Severus Snape, but after he showed his true colors, they were no longer on speaking terms. He still glanced at her longingly- or as Marlene would say: ‘creepy as shit’-.

“What do you mean you have received no invitations?” asked Mary “Not even from Potter?”

“Not even from him” Lily said, “now that think about it, that’s weird”

“Not as weird as his morning hair, trust me” the girls looked up to see Y/N Potter sitting down with them, closely followed by her brother and his friends.

“Y/N hey!” Mary said “We were talking about the ball. I’m so excited, are you excited?”

She smiled warmly at Mary “Yes, I am. But not as excited as Peter”

The girls looked at Peter curiously. “I have a date” he said shyly, as if he feared they would laugh at him. But his worries were groundless, because he received plenty of congratulations.

“What about you Potter?” asked Marlene, teasingly “Is any special lady going with you?”

“Not yet” he said “I have my eye on someone, I’m just waiting for the right moment”. He didn’t look up, afraid to find Lily’s disgusted glare, or meeting a ‘in your dreams Potter’. But if he had looked up, he would have met her green eyes, silently pleading him to ask her.

Remus mentioned receiving few invitations from members of his study club. He hadn’t accepted any offer yet, afraid to hurt somebody’s feelings. Y/N and Sirius did not miss the chance to tease him about being ‘the Casanova of Gryffindor Tower’, ‘Ravenclaw’s husband’ or ‘the culprit of their Remusexuality’.

Mary proceeded to ask Sirius about who he was going to take. He just flashed her a smile and told her that he hated to disappoint her, but he would be remaining dateless. According to him, plenty of pretty ladies and dashing lads would need a shoulder to cry on when their dates ditched them.

“Great, that means we’ll be rid of you” Marlene said “I wouldn’t put it above you to flirt with my woman after a few shots”.

He smiled a her. “Oh no McKinnon, you’ll all dance with me love. Friends before sex”.

Marlene just muttered “disgusting”, and Y/N snorted. “I kinda second Sirius” she said, “I want to dance with all of you at least once, my date will have to suck it”.

James chocked on his pumpkin juice. He was just realizing his sister would have a date, and he was not very pleased about it. “You have a date?” he asked “And you didn’t tell me? I’m your brother!”

“I don’t have a date yet” she said “But I guess someone will eventually ask me”.

“Oh Merlin” James went pale “Men are going to ask you to go with them”.

“Yes, dear brother” She sighed, taking a sip from her cup “I believe that’s how getting a date usually works”.

“Usually” he repeated, a scary playful gleam in his eyes. He leaned and proceeded to whisper something into Sirius’ ear. He smiled and whispered the same thing to Remus and Peter. The former frowned, the latter exploded in giggles; nodding enthusiastically. James and Sirius stood on the table, shouting to get everyone’s attention. Professor McGonagall sighed from the teacher’s table, carefully taking out her detention slip.

“Dear alumni of Hogwarts” Sirius started, as if he was presenting some kind of award “It has come to our attention that some of you have already asked that special someone to accompany you to the Christmas Ball”

James positioned himself in front of Sirius to continue their speech “But we some news for all the gentlemen with enough balls to-“ He was cut short by Professor McGonagall’s exasperated voice “Language Potter!”. He gave her an apologetic smile, although clearly, he was not sorry at all. “Sorry Minnie” he said “We have some news for all the gentlemen who wish to invite my sister”.

Y/N could not believe her ears. “James sit the fuck down this instant” she pleaded “I’m going to end up dateless you prick”. She attempted to tackle him down, but Remus’ strong arms held her firmly in place. He promised to release her when they had finished their speech. The smile on his lips told her he was clearly having way too much fun with the situation.

“In order to be the lucky lad leading my sister into the ballroom you must be approved by every member of the Marauders- “

“Oi I want in” Marlene argued. He gave her a complicit smile and nodded.

“You must be approved by every Marauder, plus McKinnon”.

“And McKinnon knows everything, so if you don’t plan on being perfectly proper, she will know” Sirius added.

“We will hang up a piece of parchment outside the Gryffindor common room for you to sign up to the ehm…tryouts?” James continued “Anyways, Lupin agreed to charm it to keep the participants anonymous, so you don’t have to worry about the embarrassment of others knowing who were not deemed fit to be Y/N’s companion”. He was ready to get off the table when he seemed to remember something important “Oh and if any bloke asks her without my permission…”

“We’ll break the git’s face” finalized Sirius.

“Language Black!”

“Sorry Minnie!”

They were almost seated when Sirius’ eyes shined with mischief. He stood on the bench, shouting at the teacher’s table “Minnie, would you be my date?”

“Absolutely not Mr. Black. Please be seated”

“I love you anyway Minnie!” he responded. Many people laughed along with the Marauders, even Professor McGonagall, who was trying really hard to hide her amusement.

When the laughter had died, Y/N proceeded to threaten to kill James and Sirius, and expanded on the details on how she would dispose of their bodies. She didn’t shut up until Peter reminded her how counterproductive was informing the victims about her plan.

After her classes, Y/N came back to the common room more composed, carrying a gorgeous bouquet of wild flowers James had asked her to collect while she was in Care for magical Creatures. She was still pissed at him, but sibling support came first. She found him staring at Lily longingly. Softly, she tapped him on the shoulder and handed him the flowers. “Go get her Romeo”.

“Romeo dies”.

“Merlin, I’m just encouraging you. Now get a grip and go ask her”

He walked up to Lily. He was doing an excellent job in hiding his nervousness, his walk was way too confident for anyone to suspect he was anything but sure he would get a positive answer.

He handed her the bouquet before he began his monologue. “I have struggled in vain, and I can bear it no longer. Please Lily-Flower allow me to tell you how much I admire…and love you. I am asking you to end my agony and be my date for the Yule Ball”.

She looked at him for a second, before letting out a laugh. “James, you know Mr. Darcy gets rejected right?”

After that James could no longer hide his nerves. He was a mumbling mess. “Yes, of course I knew that. But you said it was one of your favourite books, so I read it…and it was great by the way, though I don’t know what’s the deal with Mr. Collins that man is so weird…and I heard Y/n/n say you thought the first proposal was brilliant, and I couldn’t use the second proposal without a first proposal, so I figured- “

“James” she interrupted him and gracefully smelled the flowers. She gave him a smile that made his heart beat a little bit faster. “I liked it. Really. That’s why I’m accepting, I’ll be my pleasure to be your date James Potter”.

James let out a soft grin of genuine happiness, picked her up and spun her around; blurting out a chorus of “thank you” ‘s as she laughed.

Y/N watched them from afar, muttering a playful “ugh”.

“You don’t really think it’s disgusting” Sirius said, popping up next to her “You think it’s cute”.

“You are right” she answered “It’s adorable. I’m just sulking because I have nobody to be cute with”.

He wanted to let her know she had someone. Him. He wanted to give her flowers, hug her and peck kisses all over her face. He was dying to tell her about the overwhelming nature of his feelings. But he just couldn’t tell her. Her family had welcomed him into their home. Her parents had treated him like a son, he couldn’t repay them by telling their daughter his only ambition was to give her his name. So instead, he chose to change the subject and ignore the pain in his chest.

“So, no one’s dared to ask you without going through Jamesie first, eh?” he teased “Who knew Prongsie and I were so…intimidating”.

She laughed at his statement. “I just don’t think any lad fancies a dung bomb in their breakfast” she said “Anyways, even if someone had asked, I couldn’t have said yes. You boys already announced your little matchmaking game to the whole school.”

“Yeah, sorry about that, but we needed to make sure you don’t end up going with some idiot”.

“Oh, come on, there’s probably like two people on that list of yours, at least allow me choose the least ugly one”.

“Hey you are not settling! We are getting you the best date”.

“Well, I need to go the library, there’s a book on Transfiguration calling my name. Want to come?”

“I don’t know, Pince’s been bloody annoying lately. Plus, I don’t like Transfiguration books sweetheart.”

“Oh, I think you’ll like this one. Its about changing people’s hair color. Fancy seeing a redhead Malfoy?”

“Oh, you trickster. I’m in, let’s go”.

The Marauders and Marlene were in the common room, each of them holding a pen and a notepad. Everyone was seated, except for James, who was standing and giving instructions.

“Ok lads and lady, are we ready?” everyone nodded “We only have a few hours before Y/n/n returns from her detention. And thank you Peter for taking a picture of redhead Malfoy, I will forever treasure it”.

“Why did she do it” asked Marlene “Don’t get me wrong, it was hilarious, but why?”

“He called me ‘the Marauders’ basket case’” Peter said shyly “I feel kind of guilty about it”

“Don’t be Pete” Remus said warmly, smiling from his position close to the fire “She quite enjoyed it. She also wanted to punch him muggle-style. She’s pissed I stopped her”

Marlene snorted and exploded in laughter, trying to breathe as she continuedly repeated “Jesus fucking Christ”

After Marlene’s outburst, they began what James decided to call ‘the date tryouts’. But after the last boy left the dorm room, they still had not found anyone deemed worthy. There was not a lack of suitors, nevertheless they all seemed to have unforgivable faults.

“Boring” said Sirius.

“Ugly as fuck” commented Remus.

“Dumbest man I’ve ever met” Marlene would add.

Peter though they all were decent blokes, contrary to James’ belief that every single boy was a dirty pig.

“This is useless” he finally said “No one is good enough for Y/N. What are we going to do?”

“Sirius could ask her” Marlene suggested “He has no date yet, and I’m sure he’ll spend the whole night with us anyway”

“Marly, all those single students wont console themselves” he responded.

“C’mon” she said “Y/N is your friend; you can give up being a whore for one night”.

Before Sirius and Marlene could start bickering, Remus’ voice cut off their argument.

“I could take her” he said “I haven’t answered any invitations yet, and I am sure Y/n/n won’t like going alone after the whole show you put up in the Great Hall”.

“Moony would you do that?” James asked hopefully “Really?”

“Of course, I would, given I fit your requirements”

“Oh, you do Moony. You are bloody perfect”

Remus blushed softly at the praise. It was always hard for him to accept compliments.

“Aww Moony you are so cute” commented Peter.

“Yeah, Y/N and you will look so adorable” Marlene added “I will have to lend her my highest heels though, you are definitely one of the tallest blokes on campus”.

“Moony you can’t take her” Sirius blurted out before he could stop himself.

“Why not? He’s perfect” James said.

Marlene started laughing. “Someone’s jealous” she teased.

“I’m not jealous” Sirius snapped “Why would I be?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you are in love” she joked, without knowing the truth her own words held. She continued to pick on him, singing very off tune “Sirius and Y/n/n sitting on a tree, he wants to kiss her on the lips; but he’s ugly as a…”

“Flobber…wormy?” suggested Peter

“Brilliant!” she said, resuming her chant.

“We need flowers” Remus said suddenly “Your sister likes flowers”

“Oh, I knew you were the right choice” James said, looking like a proud father, whose son just cured cancer “Our Moony is so thoughtful”

Remus smiled and whispered something about the bare minimum before looking back at James. “What´s her favourite flower? I could transfigure these daisies”

“Wisterias” Sirius answered absentmindedly “She likes the colour. And how beautiful they look when they together, she says it reminds her of us. She also thinks they smell nice, and make her fancy eating a whole pint of honey”. He didn’t notice he was smiling.

“How do you know that?” Marlene asked.

“She’s mentioned it a few times”.

“Wow Pads, your memory is astounding” James said, completely missing the glances Remus and Marlene were shooting Sirius.

Remus flicked his wand, transforming the dull daisies into a gorgeous bouquet of wisterias. They just needed Y/N to get back from her detention. They passed the time gossiping, especially about the fact that Severus Snape had been asked to the Christmas Ball twice.

“I still can’t believe he turned them both down!” Peter said

“Who turned down who?” They turned around to see Y/N venturing into the common room. She was shivering, and her nose had been reddened by the cold.

“Snivellus turned down two invitations to the ball” James explained

“Why?” she asked “He is always grumpy and he’s also boring as shit. Is he expecting an invitation from the Queen or something?”

“He’s expecting an invitation from the Queen of my Heart” James replied “But she’s going with me, and she even said she wants us to match” He signed and looked up at the ceiling, wearing the lovesick grin that appeared on his face every time he thought of Lily Evans.

“Speaking of the ball” Remus stood up and picked up the bouquet of wisterias “Y/N Potter, would you like to accompany me to the ball?”

“Oh Moony, of course I will!” she replied, hugging him by the waist.

She looked at him with a smile so bright, it made Sirius’ heart clench. He wanted her to hug him, to smile at him. And guilt was eating him up. What would Mr. and Mrs. Potter think? Would James hate him? He felt like a traitor.

“I guess we all have dates then” Peter beamed “We’ll look so cute in pictures!”

“Except for Sirius” Marlene reminded “His whore duty cannot be canceled”.

She was waiting for him to insult her back, but she never met his usual bitchy remark. Sirius was lost in his own thoughts.

Deep down, he was glad Remus was the one taking Y/n/n. He knew Remus would never flirt with her. But still, he wished to be the one holding her hand all night long; only he was too afraid. He was afraid of the Potter’s reaction. He couldn’t lose his newfound family. And he couldn’t lose her.

But he shouldn’t have worried so much, because the very next day a letter arrived for Sirius. It was from Fleamont Potter. It was filled with usual concerned parent questions (was he getting enough sleep? Was James overworking him at Quidditch practice?), but also, a comment about the feelings Sirius thought he had hidden so well. Mr. Potter informed him that he had picked up on the loving stares he directed his daughter, and he encouraged him to ask her to the ball. He even gave him some advice to romance his daughter, expressing his and his wife’s desire to get to legally call him their son. Sirius wished he had received the letter a day earlier; it would have been much easier to face his fears (and James) with Fleamont and Euphemia’s support.

He smiled as an idea popped in his head. He may not be taking the girl of his dreams to the ball, but he would sure spend the whole night with her.

The date of the ball had arrived, there was chaos in every dorm, and the one Y/N shared with her friends was no exception. Mary was freaking out over her curls. Lily feared James would change his mind. Marlene was worrying her bold red suit would scare away Dorcas. Y/N was also losing her shit, but she was not showing it. Her appearance wasn’t a big deal to her, unlike her roommates; she didn’t fancy her date, and Remus had seen her throwing up in her pajamas. But she did fear her expressions would betray her when Sirius started flirting around. She had liked him for some time now, and thought she had been doing an excellent job hiding it. Nevertheless, Marlene had uncovered her secret a few days after Remus asked her to the ball. She told her she was completely certain Sirius’ undivided attention would be on her, but Y/N wasn’t so sure. She got a hold of her emotions and put on the huge white heels Marlene had lent her. They complimented her silvery light blue dress perfectly.

“Merlin, you look great!” Mary said, clapping her hands “Remus will have a heart attack”.

“He won’t be the only one” scoffed Marlene.

“What do you mean?”

Marlene seemed to panic for a second. “I meant James will freak out too. You know how he babies Y/n/n”.

The answer seemed to satisfy Mary, but Lily was not having it. She wasn’t the top of her class for nothing, and quickly joined the dots. Clearly Marlene was referring to Sirius.

“We should get going” she said, looking at Marlene in a way that let her know she wasn’t subtle.

“Yeah, the boys must be waiting” Y/N said “Let’s go future sister-in-law”.

Lily blushed and made a run to the door, the rest following her in laughter.

To say James was impressed when he saw Lily in her dress would be an understatement. The man almost fainted. It was a hilarious sight, but Sirius couldn’t get to make of him, because Y/N chose that moment to walk down the stairs. With one hand, she held up her flowy skirt; and with the other, she supported herself against the wall. Sirius wished he was a wall.

Remus met her at the bottom of the stairs, offering her his arm. She took it, giving him a gorgeous smile. He wanted that smile to be directed at him, and there was only one way to achieve it.

He knew Remus could not resist chamomile liquor. And he was well aware that for some reason, it could get him drunk faster than five whole bottles of firewhiskey. Therefore, he was not surprised to see Remus shaking his arse in the middle of the dancefloor after half a glass.

He spotted Y/N laughing along Remus’ fan club, most of its members drooling over the man. He gave Professor Flitwick a signal, and got to her before the slow waltz started to play. He held out his hand, and she took it. Gently, he placed his arms around her waist, holding her close. When Remus saw her safely in Sirius’ embrace, he flashed them a knowing smile and wiggled his eyebrows before making his way towards Professor Sprout and beg her for a dance.

Sirius felt Y/N’s arms around his neck, and quickly looked at her. She looked happy, and it made his heart beat a million times faster.

“You know” she said “I’m glad I’m dancing with you”

“I’m glad too” he said, caressing her waist with his thumb. “Actually, I’m more than glad. I’m ecstatic, I’ve been waiting all night to dance to dance with you”

“You should have been my date then” she replied, her tone letting him know she expected an explanation.

“I wanted to ask you. But I was afraid” he confessed “Your family took me in, and I just couldn’t bring myself to tell then ‘hey, I’m in love with your daughter’. I was afraid your parents would think I was a pig, and I was afraid James would think I betrayed him. But then your parents wrote me a letter letting me know they love the idea of us being in a relationship, and I guess that gave me the courage I needed to ask you to dance”.

“You love me?” she asked

“What?”

“You said you loved me?” she smirked.

“No, I didn’t” Sirius looked away, trying to hide the soft blush on his cheeks.

“That’s a shame then” she said “Because I do love you”.

He looked at her, and before she could tease him about his flushed cheeks he leaned down and kissed her.

They broke apart when a pair of strong arms hugged them by surprise.

“You guys are so beautiful” Remus said, almost tearing up “So, so beautiful”.

Remus Lupin came down the stairs, swallowing some hangover potion. He looked at his friends, and noticed something different. Sirius’ arm was over Y/N’s shoulder, and she was leaning against his chest.

“About time you two” he said grinning. “Finally, you got the girl Pads”

“Yeah” Sirius laughed “Unlike you”

“What do you mean?”

“Moony, you flirted with Professor Sprout all night” James said, barely holding in his laughs.

“And you also shook your arse for your whole fan club” Peter snickered.

“Well,” Remus said, sitting down” At least my arse is really nice”.

270 notes · View notes

amorevolous-chionophile · 3 years

Text

Mommy

❆ Fluff ❆ 5,710 words ❆ dad!Hongjoong x babysitter!reader ❆

@soft-black-teabag is the precious mastermind behind this idea 💜

"Yes I understand... Yes... Yes I will be there." Hongjoong sighed as he hung up the call and mentally cursed. His boss called, saying that he has to jump in to fill a shift urgently to help, as his co-worker called in sick last minute, since he lacks work hours. He glanced to the living room to check up on the reason of his lacking work hours, his little princess and he couldn't help but smile as he saw her happily playing with her designer's kit for children which he somehow managed to afford for her birthday since she proclaimed that she wants to be just like her daddy. Since he was taking care of her alone, he had to miss shifts from time to time as there were instances where none of his friends could fill in for him. He prayed that this wasn't one of those times because his boss warned him that if he doesn't show up to work in two hours he will get fired and he couldn't lose that job. Hongjoong took on a great number of jobs through the years to have his little minion live a nice and happy life. He keeps each of his jobs for as long as the boss is tolerant enough of him being late or missing whole shifts. He hates that he gives them a hard time, but raising a child as a single parent isn't an easy job and he is trying his best, he really is. Hiring a babysitter was an option sure, but Hongjoong couldn't afford one and even if he could, there was no way that he would ever leave his precious child to a complete stranger. He sighed once more before tapping in the message to the group chat, there are seven of them, surely one of them is free, right?

Wooyoung was in the middle of a game when a notification rang, signaling that a message had arrived on his phone. That wouldn't have been a problem if he wasn't in class and the notification didn't echo through the classroom. The college professor gave him a threatening look from above the rim of his glasses to what Wooyoung smiled nervously and pretended to move his phone back to his pocket before muting it and proceeding to read the message as soon as the professor looked away like nothing happened seconds ago. You eyed him judgingly from the seat next to him. "Wooyoung, you are going to get in trouble." Not that most professors at college care if you are on your phone, laptop, are you listening or not... But this one was a bit of a nitpicking pain that always says that you should respect the time which he is giving to you in order to gift you knowledge by at least listening. He always made it sound like he doesn't get any compensation for what he does, not like he gets paid. Wooyoung looked at you with the most offended face he could make. "Don't talk in class you'll get us in trouble." He put a finger to his lips and couldn't help but smile to what you rolled your eyes and smiled as well returning your attention to the professor as Wooyoung returned his gaze to his phone. He entered the group chat to find that everyone already responded. He scrolled to the first message to see what all that was about, just to find Hongjoong's panicked message about needing someone as fast as possible to look over his child. Wooyoung loved that child like he was her uncle, and not just him, all of the boys warmed up to that little ray of sunshine. As he scrolled he noticed that none of the other boys were available, for valid reasons and he mentally sighed as he had to tell Hongjoong that he wasn't either. Wooyoung: "I have a makeup exam. I must retake it, it's half of my mark. I'm really sorry." This time he audibly sighed. He had major respect for Hongjoong, the guy was torn on million sides, he sacrificed his college and his free time for the sake of his child. That's why he felt bad for not being able to do anything in this situation. Seonghwa: "Hongjoong, could you please reconsider all that about the babysitter?" Yunho: "Yes, please, if money is the problem we can help you with that." Hongjoong: "I know, but even if I agree, how can I get any babysitter to come in less than an hour? No worries guys, I'll just find another job." Wooyoung was too preoccupied with his phone and thoughts of how to help to notice the professor eyeing him suspiciously. You however noticed and nudged him to snap out of it or he won't even have the chance to take that makeup exam. He rapidly turned his head to you, his eyes widening and your face crunching from confusion. It was seconds before he returned his attention to his phone. Wooyoung: "I am a genius. I have solved all of your problems 😇" Yeosang: "This is gonna be good." Hongjoong: "?" Wooyoung: "Y/N!" Hongjoong: "Who?" San: "Oooh, nice!👍🏻👍🏻" Yeosang: "I am disappointed I am not disappointed with that answer. That is your first good idea since...ever." Jongho: "How come that idea never crossed our minds before." Mingi: "That would be so adorable to see. Just think of that cuteness duo!😸🥰" Hongjoong: "Guys, would you please concentrate and tell me who that is." You had to nudge Wooyoung again, stronger this time because he was visibly testing the professor's patience. "Wooyoung, leave that phone, the professor is giving you a death stare I think even the room temperature decreased." You whispered almost inaudibly to what he turned off his screen, nudged the phone to the side of his desk and shifted his gaze up smiling innocently to the professor. You couldn't help but pinch the bridge of your nose letting out a breathy laugh at his carefree attitude.

Hongjoong: "Wooyoung, who's y/n?" Seonghwa: "Seems like he's not here anymore." Jongho: "What... who leaves in a moment like that." San: "I think he and y/n have class with that ice drama queen professor." Yeosang: "He probably used all of his energy to come up with that idea, his system must have shut down." San: "Yeosang... Who hurt you young child?" Yeosang: "Whoever ate my fried chicken the last time we hung out." Mingi: "But why are you taking it out on Wooyoung when Yunho ate your chicken 😂" Yunho: "He. Didn't. Know. That." Mingi: "Oops, I didn't know that." Yeosang: "Well, it's only important that now I know that." Yunho: "🙃" Hongjoong: " G U Y S. I'm kinda running out of time here." Seonghwa: "You remember how we mentioned Wooyoung's neighbor that hung out with us probably every single time when you weren't there?" Hongjoong: "Oh yeah, I forgot her name, so y/n... I'm not so sure, how well do you guys know her?" Mingi: "Wooyoung knows her best since she was his neighbor and classmate from the very start of college." Jongho: "But since he's not here, your second best options are San, Yeosang and me. Well Yeosang and me." San: "Hey 🥺" Yeosang: "Yes, since we attend the same college we meet quite frequently so I assure you that she is a good choice." San: "Are you all ignoring me now 🥺" Jongho: " I strongly agree with Yeosang, not once did she leave a bad impression." San: "..." Hongjoong: "Well not like I have a choice at this point anyway." Seonghwa: "Since I sense that you are still unsure, I remember this one time when she got a call from her sister and had to leave to look after her nephews." Yunho: "So that means she knows with children. I mean you got a winning combo here." Hongjoong: "But I don't know, what if the two of them don't get along, what if something happens" Jongho: "I just wanna remind you that this was Wooyoung's idea to which even Yeosang agreed" Mingi: "I think that this is the first time something like this happened 😅" Seonghwa: "Come on Hongjoong, you know we love your child almost as much as you do. We would never propose something that would be potentially dangerous for her." Hongjoong: "Alright... Fine"

Finally, for what seemed ten times longer than the original ten minutes it should have lasted, the bell rang, signaling the end of the class. You stretched your arms, still sitting down, while Wooyoung rapidly swiped trough his phone to catch up on the conversation that he missed, hoping to run into Hongjoong's agreement. You eyed him suspiciously when he jolted up with an excited "yes". You mirrored his actions and got up as well, gathering your stuff. "What happened, the makeup exam got postponed?" He let out a sad whining sound before gathering his stuff as well. "As if, not even in my dreams." He swung his backpack on his back and typed something in his phone excitedly. "Then what is..." Before you could finish, he grabbed your wrist and started speed walking towards the door and into the hallway, opposite of the direction of where his exam is supposed to be. "Wait Wooyoung, what is going on?" But you were not graced by any kind of answer in return. When you exited the building, you were even more puzzled to see Yeosang, San and Jongho there. Before you could ask again, Wooyoung went into medical commercial narrator mode. "So you remember how we mentioned our friend that has a rainbow sunshine pink sparkly precious child after who he looks after alone and that sometimes we fill in because he has to work and all. Well today we are all busy and if he doesn't go to work he will get fired and he really needs that job and he can't leave the child alone and so we thought that maybe, probably, eventually you could look after her because we don't have much time since he needs to go to work soon and pretty much we don't have any other option...please?" You blinked trying to process everything you just heard as Wooyoung grabbed your hand and shook it giving you the puppy dog eyes look. You closed your eyes trying to form a coherent question in return to all that. "Wha..." But San interrupted you, joining Wooyoung in the hand shaking puppy dog eyes squad. "Pleeease, the child is a sweetheart I swear. I promise you two will get along perfectly, and the cuteness oh God, you two will be the cutest duo ever." You shook your head, really trying to keep up with the both of them, looking around to find a spot to focus on in order to actually have a chance to think about the proposal, when you noticed Yeosang and Jongho standing on a greater distance from you than when they originally were, talking among themselves, pretending not to know you three. You couldn't blame them. "Wait you two, wait a second. I mean I am free now and I would love to help, but I am not sure about all this? To him I am a stranger and from what I have picked up from your stories he wouldn't leave his child with just anyone so I don't think he will agree to this. Also a child... I'm not sure, it's not the same as looking after my nephews." Wooyoung let go of your hand in order to swipe through his phone for a brief second before showing you a message of Hongjoong's agreement, more like shoving it in your face. "He already agreed, it's only left for you to agree so please." You almost winced from the frequency Wooyoung's voice managed to hit. You were kinda at a dead end in that moment. You had no reasons to refuse, not like you even wanted to refuse an opportunity to help someone in a tight situation so the answer was pretty obvious. "Okay, just tell me the address and..." Your proclamation was interrupted with Wooyoung and San squealing and, for the sake of their souls, let's say that those were manly squeals. They ran up to Yeosang and Jongho and excitedly announced that you have agreed before Wooyoung proceeded to run back to the college entrance in his style, shouting. "I'm late for the makeup exam, I will text you the address before I..." Was all you managed to hear before his voice became inaudible. "Wooyoung, I swear to God." You whispered in your chin before joining the remaining trio in order to say goodbye.

Hongjoong was running around his apartment, grabbing his necessities before a tiny voice called out to him. "Daddy?" The young girl was standing underneath the notably larger doorframe, questioningly tilting her head to the side. "You said you would stay home today." Her face welcomed a small pout. Hongjoong quickly squatted to her eye level, one hand on her shoulder, while the other caressed the crown of her head. "I know princess, but they called daddy to come today. I promise I will make it up to you." He smiled, hoping to reassure her. "I just miss you." She proclaimed sadly before wrapping her small arms around his neck. Saying that his heart shattered into million pieces would be an understatement. He sighed heavily and wrapped his hands around her, lifting her up. "I'm sorry it has to be this way." He said that more to himself before the melody of the doorbell filled the house. The girl looked in her dad's eyes with newfound interest. "Which uncle is coming today?" Hongjoong smiled nervously, not sure how to deliver the news and more importantly not knowing what the reaction will be. "About that..." He hesitated as he went towards the door with her still in his arms. "It's uncle Wooyoung's friend." He confessed, opening the door, not sure himself what to expect. What greeted him there was a warm, smiling figure, immediately putting him at ease. "Hello, I'm Wooyoung's classmate, y/n. It's nice to meet you Hongjoong." You gave a little wave before grinning to the little girl. "And this must be the princess I have heard so much about." The girl smiled in return, resting her head on her dad's shoulder, still a bit shy. "Hello." Hongjoong motioned you to enter before he closed the door behind you, a faint scent of his shampoo hitting you. "I should hurry now, thank you for coming on such short notice." You were in the process of taking off your shoes while you replied. "Don't worry, it's a pleasure to help." You rose back up stretching out your arms for Hongjoong to give the girl to you. "Oh there's no reason for that, she may be too heavy for you, besides she is daddy's big girl, she can walk." Hongjoong went to put her down, but to his surprise he ran into the girl's resentment, as she stretched her arms out to you in return. You smiled warmly and took the child in your arms, patting her back. "It's not a problem really." You reassured Hongjoong as you turned to the girl. "This way we can assist daddy together while he is getting ready for work, right?" The girl chimed happily in response. Hongjoong didn't notice or he didn't want to notice how his brain blocked all of his actions for a brief second wanting to absorb that moment and so he continued with tying his shoelaces a moment after as if nothing happened. Hongjoong was about to exit when you noticed a phone on the cupboard next to you, so you quickly stop him. "Hongjoong, I think you forgot your phone." He checked in all his pockets to check before he accepted the phone from you grasp and thanked you with a warm smile. "Daddy will be back before you know it princess, be nice to y/n." He bent down to plant a kiss on the girl's cheek, before her little hands grabbed his face and turned his head in order to do the same. The scene had you internally melting from all the cuteness. Hongjoong went out the door, and you trailed him standing on the doorframe. "Wave to daddy." You told the girl who shook her hand smiling from ear to ear, you copying her. There was it again, that moment that Hongjoong felt shoot through his heart and brain.

You caressed the girl's cheek before putting a blanket atop of her, snuggling her to sleep. You put the fairytale book you were reading her a bedtime story from on the shelf. You decided to leave the lamp on, just a bit more dimmed as you were not sure whether or not she was afraid of the dark. She fell asleep pretty quickly, and it was no wonder, for the whole day you were doing all kind of things together, playing pretend, fashion designer, telling stories, watching cartoons, eating. You tried to engage her in everything you could, you really gave it your all, and it was easy because she was indeed a pure angel child. You sat in the living room, lowering the volume of the tv in order to hear if she wakes up. You had time to peacefully look around the apartment which was an interesting fusion of an art and music studio, laced with the essence of a family home. You also noticed that the home was sparkly clean. You didn't know that that was Seonghwa's doing however. He was the last to babysit, just the day before you. He and the girl were playing fashion designer when Seonghwa made the grave mistake of commenting how she put too much glitter on a particular piece of clothing. Second after that he had a child proclaiming that he shouldn't question her fashion sense and glitter pretty much... everywhere. So after putting her to sleep he engaged himself in cleaning all the glitter, and cleaning glitter is not an easy job, not to mention that he himself resembled a disco ball with all the glitter he had in his hair. He somehow ended cleaning even the rest and who knows when he would have stopped if Hongjoong haven't arrived home. You basically absent mindedly gazed into the cartoon on the tv which was muted when your phone buzzed and brought you back to your senses. It was a message from an unknown number, but from the content of the message you figured it was Hongjoong. Hongjoong: I will be back about 10 minutes. You saved his contact before replying. You: Thanks for giving me a notice, I will wait for you. I put her to sleep, so you have nothing to worry about. And just like that you spent those 10 minutes watching a cartoon on mute before you heard a clatter of keys trying to unlock the door, but being unable to due the keys from the inside of the door. "I'm coming." You whisper-yelled, afraid not to wake the girl as you hurried to the door. You turned the keys and opened the door, smiling. "Welcome home." It was probably due to not having a chance to hear that often, but his heart slightly fluttered at your welcome and he couldn't help but smile a little. "As I already mentioned, she is sound asleep..." You trailed off as you went to pick up your belongings from the living room, not wanting to yell and as soon as you returned you started putting on your shoes. "She is a wonderful child, you raised her very well." You gave him a wide smile as you started putting on your coat. "We made dinner together and left you some in the refrigerator so you can heat it up if you want. You must be tired so I will be going now." As you took ahold of the knob, he took ahold of your forearm. You turned around, giving him a puzzled look as to which he just took out his wallet. "No Hongjoong please, I did not do this for money. Besides, that child already repaid me with her smile, I really had a nice time today." You shook your hands before your face in defense. "There's no way I can let you leave without anything, you lost your whole day." He took out his money and was handing it to you, but you were not an easy nut to crack. "Can we make a deal then? If I happen to look after her again, I will accept, okay?" He sighed in defeat, dropping the argument as it was leading nowhere. But that idea of you babysitting again, deep down he liked it. "Alright, alright." You exited the door waving at him. "Why don't you at least let me call you a cab? It's pretty dark outside for you to be walking alone." Shaking your head you turned to him. "Don't worry about me, go back to that precious little child." He nodded, closing the door. "Hongjoong..." He halted and looked at you expectantly. "See you." And like that, you parted.

Little did you know that she would want you to come look after her again and again and again. Hongjoong of course, refused her at first, not wanting to trouble you, but soon he just gave up. And you didn't mind really, that child grew onto you like on anyone she meets. This time you were just going to visit her for no particular reason, you just had free time. You knocked on the door you grew used to and the man you started to develop faint feelings for opened. "Oh hi, come on in." He gave you his usual smile and you obliged. Just after barely taking one shoe off you heard your name being shouted from across the hall by a little human who was running to tackle hug you. "How's my favourite princess doing?" She smiled from ear to ear, as she always did. "Good! Daddy and I were just talking about you!" You rose a brow as you shot a glance at Hongjoong who was smiling nervously. "Daddy asked me if I would want you..." She was unable to finish her sentence because Hongjoong interupted, cutting her mid sentence. "You know, we were just planning on going grocery shopping, so you don't have to take off your shoes if you wanna come with us." You returned your attention to the child, whispering into her ear. "You'll tell me later." You smooched her cheek before raising back up nodding at Hongjoong. "Let's go."

"Hongjoong, you forgot to get the tomatoes... How do you expect that we make the bolognese sauce without tomatoes?" You waved in front of his face with a wooden spoon threateningly. "Sorry, I was hindered by a certain small being that strongly wanted a package of gummy bears." You just chuckled at his troubled expression. "We can just improvise something then, I guess. At least she got what she wanted." You nodded in the direction where the previously mentioned small being was eating her gummy bears, her attention on the cartoon playing on the tv. "I have a weakness for her, what was I supposed to do." Hongjoong gave you a troubled smile as he was growing scared of that wooden spoon in your grip. You couldn't resist the urge to ruffle his hair. "Go rest, you were working for the whole day yesterday. Your eye bags are so big, they could be used as bowls." He shook his head. "I can't leave everything to you..." You squinted your eyes and raised the wooden spoon back in his sight. "We will all rest when we eat, how does that sound?" You rolled your eyes at him jokingly. "You were always a tough negotiator, have it your way." Smiling to your agreement he let out a breathy laugh, not really sure how to react to the given situation. You were gifting him precious moments he could only dream of before. Like having someone to welcome him, see him off, look after him and his baby, make a meal for him, and all that just made him wish that he could do the same for you.

"Hongjoong, I am actually amazed at your cooking skills." You confessed as you plopped yourself on the couch, the little minion automatically manifesting on your side hugging you. Hongjoong went to sit on the other side of the couch before he was stopped by his little girl. "Daddy, I want you to sit here." She patted the free spot next to her, and Hongjoong just obliged, placing himself next to you two. "Now I want you two to hug me." She giggled as if she knew exactly what she was doing. As you put your arms around the little minion and connected them on the small of Hongjoong's back, he did the same. Your head rested on his shoulder, inhaling the same scent from the first day when you met him, his head rested on your shoulder looking longingly at the one person he wished for from the first day he met you, and in-between you two, a brightly smiling child who loved both of you was seated.

And so again, you went to them, they came to you. When Hongjoong was working, you were babysitting and when he was free the three of you just casually spent time together. This one time, when Hongjoong returned from work you were still in the process of putting the minion to sleep. Hongjoong inspected you closely as you ran after the child while taking off his coat and boots and he couldn't help but smile. You halted for a minute to welcome him, while the minion was long gone from sight. As you turned back to go after her you could hear her voice from the room. "Mommy hurry, I want you to read me a story before I fall asleep." You froze to the spot and looked to Hongjoong wide eyed as he did the exact same thing. Your face welcomed a shade of pink as you turned around and marched forward, not being able to face him. "C-coming princess."

"Hey Hongjoong." You peeked inside the living room, finally mustering up the courage to face him after what happened earlier, but to your luck, or misfortune, he was asleep. You would have let him be and went home as it was that he even gave you the key to his apartment, but you couldn't leave him in such a uncomfortable position. He must have fell asleep while waiting for you. You shook him lightly by the shoulder, afraid not to startle him. Your heart fluttered the same time his tired eyes fluttered open. "I just didn't want to leave you in an uncomfortable position, I will be leaving now. Get some rest." You blabbered and were ready to leave. "Could you stay... a bit longer?" Originally, it would not have been a problem, but this time around your nerves were getting the better of you. However, not having a proper reason to refuse, you sat on the couch next to Hongjoong, sighing. "May I?" He was asking you to lay on your legs. Again, it wasn't the first time, but never before did he ask nor did you feel nervous while his soft features were beneath your reach. However, on instinct your fingers started playing with his hair and he momentarily relaxed. Feeling restless you just had the urge to start a talk about something, anything. "Hongjoong, you never told me what happened to your...uhm...her real m..." You found it quite difficult to word the sentence, luckily Hongjoong caught on and saved you the struggle. "We had my princess when we were nineteen..."

Hongjoong and his girlfriend at the time didn't even plan marriage, a baby? Even less. But she found out she was pregnant and after a lot of negotiations and talking, they decided to keep the baby and promised that they would handle every obstacle on their way. Neither of them ever dreamed that their first and biggest obstacle were their own parents. Both sides gave them the cold shoulder, but not all hope was lost. They believed that when the baby is born, their parents would change their mind. It was a brutal strike to both of them when, even with the birth of their baby girl, nothing changed. They weren't making much and they could barely take care of even themselves. That is when the girl wavered. She was scared for her future and she insisted that they give the baby for adoption. Hongjoong however, didn't want to hear about it. He didn't want to give his precious treasure to some random stranger. He also couldn't care less about his parents rejecting him. They always treated him as if he was a nuisance, so what was the difference now. His girlfriend, however, left and he never blamed her for that. She lied to her parents that she put her child up for adoption, she split up with Hongjoong and broke off every contact with him and the baby out of fear that her parents would kick her out again. Through all that time the only person Hongjoong kept contact with was his brother. Even against Hongjoong's will his brother keeps sending him money from time to time. Hongjoong on the other hand sends him back videos and pictures of the little minion doing whatnot. This is the exact reason why Hongjoong is making sure to make her real uncle a part of her life as much as possible. The number of times the uncle burst into tears after hearing a little voice through the phone calling him to come and meet her is a large one. There was nothing he could do about that as he lived on the other side of Korea. The only thing his brother didn't tell Hongjoong is that their parents greatly regret their choices and want to see their grandchild. But Hongjoong will find out himself when and if they decide to let go of their stupid idea of pride.

"...and that's how the two of us ended up like this." It was not until your tear fell on his face that he noticed that you were crying. "Hey, don't cry for that." He raised his hand in order to wipe away the watery paths that your tears left on your face. "She now finally has a mum as she said. I can't thank you enough for playing that role for her, no let me take that back, you are not playing that role. After all this time of looking after her you can call yourself her mum." His comment only turned on the faucet that let more tears fall. "Thank you for saying so Hongjoong." He rose from your legs and turned to face you. "I didn't plan to do it like this but here it goes." He cupped your chin and leaned into you, his only support being his other hand. Your heart went on a rampage, throwing itself randomly against your rib cage causing irregularities in your breath. Hongjoong softly smiled when he noticed your reaction, feeling reassured to carry on with his confession. "I started attaching myself to you from the first time you stood on that door. At first I wasn't sure if that was because..." You cut him off by placing your lips onto his in a sweet kiss unsure if your heart would be able to last through his whole speech. You pulled away shyly forcing yourself to look him in the eye. Now it was official, until now you were practically just a couple without that official stamp. It felt nice, it felt like home. "You will tell me later, I wasn't sure if I was able to survive through it all." You grinned and he shook his head, smiling as well before he leaned in again.

"Okay is everyone ready?" You asked eagerly after hearing Hongjoong approach the door. "I don't understand why we have to wear this." Yeosang retorted, not amused in the slightest before Yunho appeared from behind him and pulled him into the room to hide like he was pulling him in a back alley to kidnap him, what made the situation more amusing was Yeosang's uninterested face. "Come on Yeosang we don't have much time for questions." Yunho whispered in his ear as they both disappeared into the darkness of the room. You sighed in relief as everyone was finally on their position just as you heard the keys and the door knob. And then there on the door appeared Hongjoong. "Welcome home, come on sweetie." You welcomed Hongjoong and guided his, no, both of your child to him. "Daddy, mommy bought me a minion onesie, look!" She ran up to Hongjoong and extended her arms up to him. "It's beautiful love! What does it say here... I'm gonna be a sister..." Hongjoong's eyes widened as his heart skipped a few beats and he would have jumped to hug you right then and there if he wasn't startled by seven men who ran at him at the same time, wearing a "I'm going to be an uncle (again)" shirts, pink shirts. Hongjoong's eyes widened again before he passed the child to Seonghwa to come and finally hug you. "So another girl huh?" You smiled widely back to him, nodding and he returned an even wider smile. "What week are you?" He caressed your still unnoticeable bump. "The doctor said 15th, the stomach is going to start to show from here on." He hugged you careful not to squish you too much. "I love you, thank you for giving me everything and making me a happy man." He pressed his forehead to yours. "I should be the one thanking you, Joong." Your lips met again just like they did yesterday and just like they will tomorrow. "I want to hug with mommy and daddy too!" And just like that your little intimate moment became a group hug of all the people you considered family.

#ateez #ateez reactions #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez fanfiction #ateez fluff #ateez hongjoong #ateez seonghwa #ateez yunho #ateez yeosang #ateez san #ateez mingi #ateez wooyoung #ateez jongho

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lilfellasblog · 3 years

Text

King Roman and the Fake Harem

Summary: King Roman has enemies directly outside his walls, pressure from inside his walls to get a harem, and no solution in sight. Until he sees the solution has been right under his nose the entire time. This is the story of how an aroace King gets a harem of advisors.

A/N: If you liked this, please reblog. It is the only way to help this fic reach a wider audience.

TW: Two brief instances of sexual harassment, one instance of groping, swearing (because Virgil), and people sneering at sex workers/ presumed sex workers.

Word count: 2385

AO3 here!

Fic Masterlist here!

King Roman sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Ugh, give me a few hours to think of something,” he groaned.

His lead advisor that he’d inherited from his father, who Roman refused to refer to as anything but Orange, protested “But sir, we need a decision soon. It’s already been a week since enemy troops positioned themselves just outside our walls, and we’ve done little besides ask them to leave. That, on top of your lack of harem-”

“I’ll have something for you in two hours, regarding the troops,” Roman said, waving Orange away.

Orange huffed and spun on his heel, leaving the throne room grumbling. Roman brushed a hand over his face. A week into being king and the enemy decides to attack? The nerve!

“You know, if you roll out the catapults to the front gate, that would take care of the troops outside the walls on that side, and then you could concentrate your archers on the rear of the kingdom walls.”

Roman looked over to the side of his throne. Sir Virgil had been his best knight, until he’d been shot by an arrow that had permanently damaged his shoulder. That was 4 weeks ago, he was still in a sling, and ever since he’d been released from the medical wing he’d been making his lack of work everyone else’s problem.

Roman raised an eyebrow. “And just how would you propose moving the catapults from the armory down 100 feet of stairs to the front entrance, hm?”

Sir Virgil shrugged. “Ramps.”

Roman stopped short. Oh, he’s smart. “...very well.” He appraised Virgil. He’ll never be able to be a knight again and he needs something to do, and he’s not too unfortunate-looking… “How would you like a job?”

/////

Virgil adjusted the silks that hid exactly nothing of his upper body so they’d sit comfortably over his still-bandaged arm and shoulder. He was about to join his first ever advisor meeting, and he was beyond nervous. He’d been rather enjoying his life as the first member of Roman’s harem (that so far hadn’t even resulted in a single flirtatious remark, which Virgil wasn’t complaining about but he was certainly confused by), and he didn’t want to do anything to fuck it up.

“Ready?”

Virgil jumped and hissed through his teeth as his shoulder was jostled by the sudden movement.

Roman was frowning. Before Virgil could apologize, Roman asked, “Are you alright? I can have a healer come over. If you’d prefer to sit out this meeting and rest, that would be a more than acceptable course of action.”

Virgil was stunned. “Huh?”

Roman nodded at him. “Your shoulder, it seems to be causing you pain.”

“Oh! It’s not too bad, I’ll be fine. Still getting used to not moving it too much.”

Roman laughed. “Yes, that I have been witness to. Are you ready?”

“Yeah. Do I need to walk, like, meekly or whatever?” Virgil asked, cheeks already heating up at the future humiliation.

A look of disgust came over Roman. “No, I wouldn’t expect that of anyone under my employ.”

Virgil let out a breath. “Alright, cool cool.”

The meeting started out as expected, a few snickers from his former co-workers who were still knights, but nothing Virgil couldn’t ignore. Virgil recognized Orange by his blaze orange ensemble that hurt his eyes (no wonder Roman refused to give Virgil his actual name). When it came time to discuss military tactics, Roman spoke first.

“I would like to introduce my military advisor, Sir Virgil. Sir Virgil, if you would, please announce your strategy for driving off the enemies.”

Before Virgil could get a word out, Virgil’s former boss blurted out, “You’re trusting your military strategy with a common whore?!”

Virgil levelled him with his best death glare. “Call me that again and I’ll cut off your balls and shove them down your throat.”

Only Virgil was close enough to hear the King swallow his laughter at the general’s paling face. Roman cleared his throat and spoke.

“To answer your question, yes. Sir Virgil, if you wouldn’t mind continuing?”

Virgil smirked. “Gladly.” For the next 20 minutes, Virgil confidently discussed his strategy with the catapults and archers, fielded questions, and specified the ideal placements. As the meeting drew to a close and Roman went to do the obligatory schmoozing with top leaders (Virgil noticed with glee how the military personel scrambled to get out, supposedly to “update the troops”), the Lead Advisor of Common Education approached Virgil. Virgil did the customary respectful bow, which the advisor returned.

“I trust King Roman is treating you well?” he inquired, blue eyes sparkling from beneath a sandy fringe.

“Yes, very much so. This fucked up rotator cuff is the best thing to happen to me,” Virgil internally winced at his choice of words. Gonna have to work on that.

The advisor just laughed. “I suppose it must be! Surely, being part of a harem is much more comfortable than being a knight.”

Virgil shrugged, and winced as he once again forgot about his injured shoulder. “Yeah, it is. I’m just glad I can help in some capacity by being a strategic advisor.”

“Yes, yes, that must be quite fun for you,” the advisor purred. Virgil bristled at his condescending tone. “Do let me know if you require more… attention than what King Roman provides.”

Virgil wrinkled his face. He focused on Roman, and heard his attention was on Orange who was insisting that one person could hardly be considered a harem. “I think I’m good.”

“Oh, of course, of course, but do keep me in mind.” And before Virgil realized what was happening, the advisor had patted his ass.

Virgil used his good arm to grab the man’s offending hand, twist him around, bring him to his knees, and place a foot on the middle of his back.

“Ow! You stupid whore, get off-”

“What is the meaning of this?!” King Roman thundered.

Virgil released the advisor. “This guy was perving all over me, and I get I’m part of a harem but I don’t stand for that shit.”

“It was just a love tap!”

King Roman’s face was red with anger. “Sir Virgil, he encroached on your person?”

“Yeah, that’s one way to put it.”

“You are relieved of your duties.”

Virgil sagged while the advisor smiled smugly. Welp, the grapes and silk were fun while they lasted. “Yeah, okay.”

Roman jerked back a bit in confusion. “What? No, you,” he glared at the now-ex-advisor.

The advisor was aghast. “Excuse me? How dare you!”

“How dare you, touching a man without his consent and then having the gall to speak to me in such a tone!”

Virgil was in too much shock to process the rest of the conversation. He came back to his senses just outside the medical wing. Roman was instructing the doctor to recheck Virgil’s bandages as they didn’t seem to quite hold his shoulder still, and sighed in relief when he caught Virgil watching them.

“Virgil, there you are! Are you alright? Say the word, and I’ll arrange for you to speak with our mind doctor.”

Virgil blinked a few times.

Roman turned back to the doctor. “Could he have gone into shock? Does he need-”

Virgil shook his head to unfreeze his brain. “No, I’m fine. I’ve had people trying to kill me, part of the job, I’m okay.”

King Roman furrowed his brow. “Are you sure? Truly, if you need to talk to someone-”

Virgil held his good hand up. “I’m fine, promise. I’ll talk to someone later if I need to.”

Roman sighed in relief. “Thank goodness. Oh! The military is deploying your strategy as we speak! I thought I’d let you know before the good doctor looked you over.”

“Dope! Wait, what?”

King Roman was walking away. “I’ll see you once you’re tended to!” he called over his shoulder.

“What are you talking about, my shoulder… actually kinda hurts, okay fine.”

/////

One successful defeat of an opposing military later, and Roman had removed yet another advisor from his circle for creepy behavior.

“Hey Princey, I appreciate you defending my honor and shit, but that was the Lead Advisor of Trade,” Virgil began.

“And I’m better off without him!” Roman declared.

Virgil scratched his chin. “I mean yeah, but also you have a trade meeting with neighboring kingdoms coming up in a week, and two days after that you have an internal trade meeting with surrounding villages and the farmers within the city walls.”

Roman started stretching his arms and back in a way Virgil had identified meant he was stressed. “And there has been even more talk of my small harem, which does not bode well for external negotiations,” Roman murmured to himself.

Virgil shifted. “Yeah, that. Why don’t you just have your new advisors be part of your harem like me?”

Roman paused. “That’s… brilliant! Thank you Virgil!”

Virgil shrugged. “Yeah, no problem. It’s a pretty sweet gig. Although I don’t know why you haven’t-” he cut himself off with an awkward cough.

King Roman looked distinctly uncomfortable. “I’m afraid I’m not… particularly interested in those activities. I apologize if I’ve disappointed you.”

Virgil let out a breath. “I mean, I’m kinda relieved, not that you’re not hot! But I’d rather not break my two rules.”

Roman preened at the compliment. “What are your two rules?”

“Don’t shit where you eat and don’t fuck where you work.”

“Ah.”

“Look, there might be enough time to get someone else up to speed before the trade meetings. But you’ll have to choose someone quickly.”

Roman sat down in his throne and looked skyward in thought. “Are you familiar with Patton Hart? He’s already organized the internal farmers into their current union. What of him?”

Virgil remembered running into him right after a difficult mission and somehow ending up with a bag of tomatoes, a bag of bell peppers, and strict instructions to bathe and sleep. “Yeah, he’s a good guy.”

“How do you think he’d do as an advisor?”

Virgil didn’t have to think for long. “I think he’d be awesome. Want me to talk to him?”

“If you’d be so kind. And please assure him that his role would be strictly as an advisor.”

Virgil smirked. “You mean a shirtless advisor.”

Roman turned beet red, and Virgil cackled.

/////

Before Virgil knew it, the harem quarters weren’t so lonely. Patton had agreed to join, very happy with the wardrobe and quickly making a name for himself. Patton had, in turn, recommended Logan Logos to replace the other creepy advisor. Logan had run a very successful pre-K Montessori program before joining the palace harem, and he fit in with the rest of the advising circle well, already creating reforms to account for diverse learning styles. In fact, Virgil had noticed that the advisors who weren’t part of the harem started taking him and Patton more seriously once the proper and strong Logan had joined them.

The day of the inter-kingdom trade meeting had come, and Logan and Virgil would both be attending along with Patton. Everyone was nervous about how the sweet and gentle Patton would do at such a fierce and antagonist event.

Virgil’s shoulder was out of the cast and sling, although it was still tender. He clapped a hand on Patton’s shoulder. “Go get ‘em,” he said, trying to be encouraging.

Patton flushed. “Thanks Vee.”

The meeting began, along with the customary hour-long political niceties, and finally it came time for the trade advisors to speak on their leaders’ behalf.

Virgil ground his teeth at the open snickering of Patton’s garb, and he could tell Logan and Roman were feeling the same way. Patton, however, seemed to be unaffected by it all. As expected, the Kingdom of Fiery Fields spoke first.

“King Roman, we propose a 5% increase of taxes for the crops we export to your kingdom, lest we cease all wheat exports to you.”

“You may call me Advisor Hart, and for what reason? We already pay you 12% more for your crops than other kingdoms.”

The platinum blonde man stared at Patton with haughty hazel eyes. “Because, Advisor Hart,” he sneered. “our crops are unmatched in quality!”

Patton nodded his head. “Fair point. I suppose you won’t mind a moratorium on all exports of our steel to your kingdom then?”

It was as if all the air was sucked out of the room.

Platinum Blonde was outraged. “You wouldn’t!”

“Actually, we would. You are now meeting with the new King’s new advisory circle, and we won’t stand for pointless tax increases that a review of the books show only go to pay the noblewomen you’re cheating on your wife with,” Patton stated, smiling sweetly the entire time.

Half of the trade advisors around the table laughed, while the other half gawked. Platinum Blonde backed down, and the trade meeting lasted for only 2 days instead of the typical 3 since Patton effectively shut down any ego-based bullshitting that occurred.

/////

Virgil and Patton were taking turns trying to toss grapes into each others’ mouths, laughing, while Logan pretended to be irritated by their antics. The doors opened suddenly to show Orange, in his eye-burning all-orange ensemble.

“Hiya!” Patton chirped, hiding his own discomfort. They were all intensely disliked by Orange, who seemed to blame them for Roman not being interested in sex or romance.

Orange sniffed. “Advisor Logos, the noble King would like to extend his congratulations on the tax reform that redirected many of the fees of our noblepeople to educational supplies.”

Logan nodded at him. “Thank you. I’m quite proud of that myself and am very glad it came to fruition. Was their anything else you required, Advisor Wrath?”

“What?!” Virgil and Patton shouted at the same time. They whipped their heads over to Orange.

“No. Good day.” With that, Orange - or rather, Advisor Wrath - left their room.

Virgil and Patton turned back to Logan, who was seemingly reading again.

“Dude what the fuck-”

“How the heck did you know?!”

Logan just raised an eyebrow while continuing to read. “I have a way of finding things out,” he said, looking up for a second to smirk at them before going back to his book.

Virgil and Patton decided to not test Logan’s abilities.

#sanders sides #roman sanders #aroace Roman Sanders #virgil sanders #logan sanders #Sanders sides fanfic #Sanders sides fanfiction #patton sanders #ts sides

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angelikook · 3 years

Text

Pas de Deux

Pairing(s): Dance teacher!Hoseok x reader

Genre: Hurt/comfort, fluff

Word Count: 6.7k

Warning(s): Profanity

Summary: Your dance teacher, Hoseok, might teach you a bit more than just dancing.

A/n Moral of the story, never seek validation from anyone. You can do whatever you want as long as you're happy and you're not doing anything wrong.

There will be a mention about Blue Side and its meanings. Check this link for the complete analysis (it's in Indonesian). Shout out to the writer for the in-depth analysis.

There were days when you wished you were more flexible. Or athletic. Or both.

Like today for instance.

Your weekly Friday-night private dance class didn’t look too good as usual. First of all, you had a literal dance God stood in front of you as your dance teacher. In front of him, you looked like a baby giraffe learning how to stand on four wobbly legs.

During the past few months you’ve been his student, through ups and downs that had more downs, his smile never faltered, his energy never died out, and his patience never ran out.

Every time you fell on your bruising butt, he only held out his hand to you and put on that million-dollar smile of his. Sometimes- Scratch that- Most of the times, you felt bad when you fell for the nth time in the span of an hour. Other times, you felt bad after your first fall. You definitely didn’t want him to think you were unworthy of his time and attention. That was the worst way a person can embarrass themself.

Your teacher, who went with the name Hoseok, and stage name j-hope, once again danced real slow in hope you could follow him. You both moved at a snail’s pace, but of course, your lack of athleticism wouldn’t let you go for 10 minutes without falling.

Out of nowhere, one of your feet caught up in the other one and made you stumble. And with that, your body unceremoniously collapsed. It was like any other times you had fallen, but unlike those times, you heard a loud crack coming from your foot.

“Oh, shit! Are you alright?” Hoseok stopped instantly and squatted beside you. “Of course you’re not fine. Why did I even ask that?” He mumbled more to himself.

“Which foot was fractured? Can you try moving them?”

You, ever so carefully, tried to move each of your feet. Weirdly enough, you were pretty sure your left one was the one fractured, but you felt a sharp pain when you moved your right one.

You voiced your thoughts, “Umm… I’m not sure which one is fractured. I think it’s the left one, but the right one is more painful.”

Hoseok sighed. “We need to go to the hospital. Here, let me carry you.”

“Wait, I-”

Like you weighed nothing, he heaved you and carried you bridal style. Instinctively, you circled your arms around his neck, his very sweaty and veiny neck. But during this critical moment, a sweaty neck wasn’t on the top of your priorities.

“I don’t think this is necessary,” you said even though the pain on your feet had subsided a bit from being lifted off the ground.

“Absolutely.” He grabbed your bag and turned off the lights. “It would be better if we can use the stretcher, but since I’m alone, we have to settle with this. Sorry if this is uncomfortable.” He walked out of the studio and locked it before walking off to the parking lot.

You estimated that the entire walk from the studio to the parking lot must’ve taken around 10 minutes. At this point, you were 100% sure you felt like a dead weight for him. Yet, he still kept walking while holding you as if it was nothing. It was either you overestimated your weight, or he was stronger than you thought. Your bet was on the second one.

During the ride to the hospital, you racked your brain for a way to say thank you while actually sounding like you were grateful instead of just for formality. But after minutes had passed, you came up with nothing so you just settled with the old “thank you so much”. You just prayed he could see your sincerity through you.

“Don’t mention it. This is what I always do every time someone is injured.”

True to his words, when he entered the emergency room with you in his arms, a nurse yelled his name and directed you two to an empty bed.

“What happened?” the nurse asked as Hoseok carefully lowered you on the bed.

In an instant, the comforting heat radiating off of him disappeared. In exchange for his warmth, you felt the cold mattress and the typical freezing hospital room.

“The usual. But she said that both her feet hurt.” He gestured to you.

“I’m going to call a doctor, okay?” Without waiting for an answer from you, the nurse left.

Once the doctor came, you explained in detail what happened with Hoseok butting in sometimes to add completely unnecessary details. He said things like, “we were almost done with the class”, or, “we were alone there.” Lucky for him, your pain stopped you from wanting to strangle him.

You talked more about possible treatments, how long it would take, and most importantly, how much it would cost. In the end, it was decided that you needed an x-ray.

“You can leave now if you want. I’ll be alright,” you told him right after the doctor told you to wait for the x-ray. The guilt of making him do all of these was starting to eat you inside out.

You had felt guilty from falling multiple times, and now you fell to the point you broke your ankle. If it was possible, you felt ten thousand times more guilty. And the fact that he wasn’t even complaining at least once made you feel like a disappointment.

Maybe it was better if the earth swallowed you whole right now.

He shook his head as he sat on the chair beside the bed. “No way. How will you get home?”

Crap, he was right. There was no way you could walk by yourself after all this. Or call a taxi. Just imagining you had to wear a cast and a crutch already made you shudder. This was going to be a long month, or months, for you.

“You must feel tired now. You’ve been here for-” You glanced at the clock behind his head. “-around an hour now.”

“Do you have a friend you can call over?”

The question hit you more than it should’ve. Your friends, the same people who indirectly forced you to try dancing, all lived across the city. You knew there was no way they would be willing to spend their Friday night at the hospital with you. In your mind, you could already imagine them going out on a fancy dinner, cuddling with their partner, or watching a movie.

Your lack of response was an answer in itself.

“It’s okay. I don’t have anything to do anyways.”

“You don’t have any more students? Tonight? Tomorrow?”

He shook his head. “You’re my last student for the week.” He stopped for a while before continuing, “And my most interesting one.”

You cocked your head to the side. “Interesting? How?”

“You made me think of… things, basically, clearly.”

“Like what?”

He took a deep breath before answering, “I’ve been the best dancer, performer, whatever you wanna call it. And after I started teaching too, I became the best dance teacher in the city. Like, you must’ve already known that from the tariffs of my classes.”

You nodded.

“But since you came to my class a few months ago, things have changed. I just lost… my confidence in my teaching. Maybe my methods are wrong or I need a different approach or maybe-” His words caught in his throat. “-I don’t cut it to be a teacher.”

Your eyes widened at his words. He had mistaken your inability to do athletic stuff for his bad teaching.

“I think you got it all wrong,” you said urgently.

You didn’t want him to think he was a bad teacher. He was, in fact, far from that. So far, you’ve never met a teacher even half as nice as him or half as understanding as him.

He furrowed his eyebrows. “How?”

You hesitated for a moment. Were you really going to out yourself? Your heart screamed, “yes!” at that.

“Well, you see, I’m not the best at, you know, physical stuff. I was actually setting myself up for failure by trying out dancing.” You saw him frowning even further. You let out a nervous giggle. This was a bad idea, but you were already in too deep anyways. “I know this is confusing. My friends have told me that a lot of times.”

A few seconds of silence passed. Hoseok just stared at you, probably trying to figure you out, who knew. You were just weird like that.

Finally he broke the silence. “Can you drive?”

The question caught you off guard. “What?”

“Driving?”

“Of course I can.” You looked down on your injured feet. “Well, not for a while, I guess.”

“And I take it you never accidentally kill someone, right? Or else you wouldn’t be here, you’d be in jail.”

This time, you were the one frowning. Where was this conversation heading? Nonetheless, you nodded your head, answering his question silently.

He, for the first time after you broke your ankle, broke into a grin. “Then you’ll be fine. And I don’t think you set yourself up for failure.” He pouted. “Don’t ever say that again.”

You smiled back at him. “Okay.”

A few moments later, you were called to do an x-ray.

Wordlessly, Hoseok hoisted you up and put you on a wheelchair he found nearby. With that, he pushed you towards the x-ray room. You weren't going to lie for the fact that it kinda felt nice to be pushed by a handsome guy. On the other side, it only made you feel even more guilty.

Once you arrived in front of said room, a nurse took you in and told Hoseok to wait outside.

With your clumsiness, this obviously wasn’t your first time getting x-rayed. So you didn’t really feel nervous, not at all. Plus, you were significantly older than the last time you got x-rayed. There was nothing to be scared of, right?

Who were you kidding? Of course you’d be scared. Your heart thumped loudly against your chest, you wondered if the nurse could hear it. Probably she could, but even if she could, she didn’t say anything.

Okay, then. Maybe you should focus on something else. What about something to tell Hoseok about his fear? You didn’t do a great job of comforting him. Instead, he was the one comforting you. The hell was that about, Y/n?

Without you even realizing, since you were so focused on Hoseok’s fear, the x-ray was over and you were pushed out of the room. Phew… Wasn’t that easy? But you still haven’t thought of something to tell Hoseok, though. Nevermind, you’d probably be better off improvising.

Hoseok sat on the long bench in front of the x-ray room with a small plastic bag in his hand. You were sure he didn’t have that before. Beside him, sat the nurse who accepted you into the emergency room who now was talking animatedly to him.

For the first time since you entered the hospital, you got the chance to take a good look at the nurse.

Her outfit hugged her curves perfectly, no weird bumps or creases. It was as if the fit was tailored just for her. Her hair was up and away from her face in a tight and neat bun. Her makeup faded here and there from the long hours of working, no surprise there. And her glasses only complemented her whole look, making her look beautiful yet strong at the same time.

Looking at her made you wonder about how you looked in comparison.

You were still in your work out clothes that you designated for dancing. They were saggy in weird places as a sign of old age and definitely had been left forgotten in your wardrobe for a long time because you didn’t work out. The leather in your shoes also flaked in some places, indicating that you needed to buy a new pair. You knew not to buy them, though, remembering you weren’t athletic.

As you looked down on your clothes, you realized there was a giant blob of sauce stain just in between your boobs. Where- What? How did you get that? And why hadn’t you realized it until now?

You abruptly stopped yourself from self pity as the nurse pushed you closer to them. If you didn't have beauty or grace or sexiness, at least you had confidence.

The nurse Hoseok was talking to was the first to notice your arrival.

She stood up and asked you, “Are you alright? Do you need a painkiller?”

She was nice, too. No wonder Hoseok would be interested in her.

For a second you imagined what it felt like for someone to be interested in you. You haven’t felt that in a long time. Not that you missed the feeling, you were content with being single and had no intention to date anyone. At least not while your ankles still hurt.

You shook your head. “It’s not that painful.” You turned to the nurse who pushed your wheelchair. “When will the result come out?”

“In a few minutes. For now, you can wait here or in the emergency room.”

You looked at Hoseok, expecting him to answer for you.

He immediately took the cue. “We’ll wait here. Thank you.”

“Alright. I’ll direct you to the doctor’s office once the results are out.”

You mumbled a “thank you” before the nurse left.

The other nurse, who talked to Hoseok earlier, though, didn’t leave as much as you wanted her to. Instead, she sat back beside him and continued the conversation like nothing happened. Like you weren’t even there.

“When I get off my shift later, do you want to grab supper?” she asked while batting her thick lashes. Were nurses allowed to wear fake lashes, you wondered.

Just like the Hoseok you knew, he turned down the offer politely. “Sorry, I don’t really eat supper.”

She pouted in an attempt to look cute. But honestly, with the makeup and sexy clothes, her cuteness was uncalled for.

Gosh you wished you were as sexy or pretty as her, surely you could get any man you want. Nope, you were still happy with being single.

“What about tomorrow? I get bored on Saturdays.”

“I-” His eyes flicked around the room. “I need to check my schedule first.”

Her face lit up. “Text me, okay?” And just like how she didn’t wait for your answer earlier, she left without waiting for his.

You grimaced at their awkward conversation. “She seems… nice.” It came out more like a question.

He exhaled long and hard as if he held his breath the entire time. “And too much.”

“What-?” you sputtered. “She was blatantly asking you out.”

“Yeah, I know that. That’s why she’s too much.”

A question crossed your mind. “Have you known each other for a long time?”

“Not really. But since the number of my students blew up, injuries became more common, so...”

“Oh.” You nodded understandingly.

You suddenly remembered that you had to comfort him.

“You’re actually a great teacher, you know. At least that’s the review from Google. You have 4.8 stars! That’s awesome.” At this point you just blurted out anything nice to him. “My favorite restaurant only has 3.6 stars.” And by anything, you meant everything.

He furrowed his eyebrows. “Thanks?"

“No problem.”

“What about you, though? What do you think of my teaching skills?”

Once again, his questions caught you off guard.

It was still fresh in your mind about the day you signed up for a class with him. How he answered all your questions with his smile never leaving his face. The day of your first class with him, he explained the basics with so much patience. He never said no whenever you asked him to show the moves again and again and again. And today, he took you to the hospital and even waited with you through all the procedures.

He was an extraordinary teacher. And person.

But there was no way you could say all that. It would only embarrass you more.

“I think you’re… nice.”

He furrowed his eyebrows deeper at your words. He surely would get wrinkles early if he kept frowning like that. And that would be so bad for his handsome face.

Okay, maybe it was better if you said all that in the first place.

“I mean,” you spoke up again, trying to redeem yourself. “You’re the best teacher I’ve ever met. You’re nice, understanding, and patient. Something I rarely see in other teachers.” And handsome, you wanted to add, but it was a story for another day.

He finally no longer furrowed his eyebrows.

“May I ask you a question?” he asked quietly.

Another question from him wouldn't hurt, right? “Sure.”

“Why did you decide to try dancing if you knew you weren’t good with ‘physical stuff’?” He did the airquote thing. “Sorry if it’s too personal.”

“No, it’s alright.” You chuckled. “Remember the friends that kept telling me I’m clumsy?”

He nodded.

“Well, they were kinda the reason.”

“Okay…”

You took a deep inhale. “We’ve been friends since the third grade of primary school. We’re basically inseparable. But as close as we are, we have different lives.”

“I understand.”

“One is an athlete. She’s a swimmer and takes part in a lot of national championships. The second one is not as athletic, but she does golf in her free time. She’s extremely good, though. The last one is a pole dancer and she really takes pride in it. So far, I’m the only one who doesn’t really do physical things. In fact, I’m not into physical activities at all.”

“That’s alright. Everyone is different. What do you do?”

“I loved studying.”

“Loved?”

You took multiple deep breaths to prepare yourself to come with the truth. “They always make fun of me for liking reading over physical activities. Until one point I can’t even look at books anymore.” You bit your bottom lip. “They even made a different pact and left me out.”

Books were an important part of your life. And reading was the only time when you could let yourself go from the harshness of the world. The time when you could forget your problems, or even who you were, for a little while. Knowing your friends didn’t like that made you question yourself.

“I think studying is important.” He commented. “If no one is studying, no one will get to be anything.”

“I know that. And I wanted to learn how to be more physically active. That’s why I took this dancing class.” Then you added, ”It’s actually my last resort. I’ve tried and failed other activities.”

“I don’t think you should listen to them. Even your oldest friends can’t be right all the time.” He smiled reassuringly. “Thanks for sharing your problem with me. I’m gonna show you just how amazing non-physical activities can be.”

He looked down on his lap and immediately handed you the plastic bag he'd been holding. "The nurse gave it to me, but you can have it instead."

You accepted the bag and peered inside. There was a loaf of bread, still looking fresh and warm.

After that, everything just flew by. Maybe because you were tired and the day was almost over, or maybe because you had Hoseok beside you, who made waiting felt fun. Or maybe both, who knew.

Soon the results came out and the nurse took you to the doctor’s office with Hoseok following in tow. The doctor explained everything and helped you, along with Hoseok, to get used to walking with crutches. You were also given some pills to ease the pain. And after all that, off you go.

You were back in Hoseok’s car, heading home. Somehow, the smell of his obnoxious orange car freshener smelt comforting compared to the hospital’s disinfectant.

“You really shouldn’t have waited for me.” You glanced at the time on your phone. It was almost midnight. “It’s really late now. I’ll have to give you a big tip later.”

He laughed. It sounded like heaven in your ears. “There’s no need for that. I’m just concerned with your health. Plus, I do this to all of my students. Think of it like part of my service.”

You giggled. “Alright, if you say so.”

He snorted. “One time, a student was even left all day in the hospital by their parents so I had to wait overnight until they came.”

“That’s horrible. Don’t they care about their kid?”

"They do. But they care more about their alcohol."

"I take it they were drunk while their kid was injured?"

"Apparently their stress response is getting drunk."

"Oh my…"

"When I say you're not even half bad as my other students, you have to believe it."

Proving to you one more time about how much of a gentleman he was, once you arrived at your apartment building, he parked his car and helped you out of the car. He guided you all the way to your apartment, making sure you weren't hurt on the way. Maybe you really should find a man like him. Or maybe… him himself?

Nah, you weren’t looking for a partner, remember?

He helped you settle down and was about to leave when he stopped in the middle of the doorway.

He turned around. “Wait. Do you live here alone?”

“Why?”

Instead of answering your question, he blurted another question. “Does your family live nearby?”

“They live outside of the city. Why?”

He looked like he was deep in thought before shaking his head. “Nothing. I’ll just come back tomorrow to help you since you’re alone.”

You weren’t one to stop a handsome guy from helping you, but you already owed so many favours for him.

“You have a date with the nurse, remember?”

He scoffed. “I told her I need to check my schedule. Looks like it’ll be full.”

Okay…

A question suddenly came out of your mouth, "Why do you keep helping me? I have no use for you. I can't attend your classes anymore."

It was true. You wouldn’t be able to do any physical activities, including dancing, for a few months. Not to mention your lack of athletic abilities that would demotivate you from trying to dance again even after you recovered.

At first, he looked startled. His eyes widened and mouth agape. But then he quickly regained his composure before answering, "Is it wrong if I think of us as… friends? Are we not friends after all of this?" He gestured to your leg.

You gestured to your surroundings. "But friends don't do this. My friends don’t do this.”

"Don’t base your understanding on them. They're not good friends, Y/n. I'm sorry.”

“But-” You really wanted to counter his argument, defend your oldest friends. But you knew deep down that he was right and there was nothing you could do.

“Let me be a good friend for you, okay?" he said as he linked his pinky to yours. Marking his promise and the start of your friendship.

He wasn’t one to break promises and you knew it firsthand. Had you known him before, you would’ve tossed your friends long ago.

Over the course of a week, he’d shown you care more than what you’ve gotten from your friends your entire friendship.

He cooked you breakfast, because he said that you had to stop eating junk food if you wanted to recover fast.

“Athletic or not, health is very important,” he said.

“Yes.”

“That means you need to eat healthy, Y/n.” He rolled his eyes. “And don’t even try to give me the puppy eyes, it won’t work on me.”

He force fed you your meds when you intentionally forgot about them.

“I put your meds directly beside your glass and you still managed to forget?” he yelled. “Drink it, or I’ll leave this instant.”

At his threat, you immediately took them. You enjoyed his company and weren’t ready to have him leaving you.

Because he noticed how sullen you looked when you realized you couldn’t go out, he tried to cheer you up by dancing crazily to a song playing on the TV. He waved his arms randomly and went around you while yelling incomprehensibly.

“Can you feel the energy, Y/n?” he asked in between his yells.

“No. Stop before the neighbors complain! You’re too loud!” You cupped both ears with your hands.

“Tell me you feel the energy then I’ll stop.”

You chuckled. “Fine. Yes, I feel the energy. Now, stop!”

He abruptly stopped and threw himself beside you on the couch.

“Ew, you’re sweaty. Get off of my couch!”

Among everything that Hoseok had to help you with, adulting was the hardest. In particular, the working part of adulting. Obviously, you needed to take a leave for a month and in order to do that, you first had to go through your boss’ wrath. Fortunately, a certain man with the stage name j-hope was ready to help you.

“It’s gonna be easy. I mean, how scary can bosses be.” He dismissed your worries with a wave of his hand.

“Very scary, I warn you.”

Contrary to his belief, after the phone call with your boss ended, Hoseok was scarred for life. Bosses were indeed scary, especially your boss.

With wide eyes, he whispered, “Never ask me to call your boss again. He’s literally a devil in disguise.”

“But did I get permission to take a leave?”

“Oh, shit! I forgot about that.”

“Hoseok!”

When he had a class to teach, you tried to fill the void by texting your older friends. But as expected, they instead made you even worse.

One said, "Hope you get well soon. We'll come back once we're not too busy."

What about the two others? Well, they only read and liked your messages.

That was alright, right? They all had their own lives and were probably busy. It wasn’t like your injury was a big deal anyways… right? There was no need for them to be worried about you or shower you with attention or visit you. Yeah, that was absolutely normal… not.

There was no need for moping around, though. The next day, your old friends and your knight in hypebeast clothes came over. Yes, said knight was Hoseok. Yes, they came at the same time. It was okay to have a handsome man and your way-past-hormonal-stage friends to be in the same place at the same time. Or at least that was what you initially thought.

"Y/n," one of your friends said with a frown on her face. "What happened? We were so worried."

You almost wanted to roll your eyes. They didn't seem that worried when you texted them yesterday.

“And who’s this?” another friend asked while staring at Hoseok. And it wasn’t a nice stare either, more like a judging stare.

You scowled, but still tried to keep some decency. “This is my friend slash dance teacher, Hoseok. Hoseok, these are my friends that I told you about.”

The last one of your friends was the first to shake his hand. “Wow. Is that so? I hope you only hear nice things.”

At that, both you and Hoseok faked a laugh. Your friends didn’t seem to realize though.

“Yeah, nice things indeed,” you commented once your laugh died down.

You were in the middle of talking and catching up with your friends while Hoseok interjected here and there when you needed to go to the restroom. Both to relieve yourself and to hide from the awkwardness for a while. It always felt weird to merge two friend groups.

“Guys, Imma go pee for a bit, okay?”

Hoseok instinctively stood up to help you, but you gestured to him to sit back down. “I got this, don’t worry.” You gave him a small smile and went to the bathroom.

Sure it did take longer for you to just pee compared to when you weren’t injured, but it still didn’t take too long in your opinion. The cast made everything more complicated, but not particularly harder. However, when you were flushing down the toilet, you heard some talking noises, way louder than usual. It sounded more like angry yellings. And as you were washing your hands, you heard a slam of a door. What was happening?

Couldn’t stand to not know what just happened any longer, you quickly finished your business and went out, only to find your once full-of-guests living room now bare with just Hoseok in it. All the while, Hoseok was cleaning up the coffee table while humming a tune.

“Where-?"

You didn’t even get to finish your question when he answered, “Your friends left.“

“So soon?”

He shrugged as he tossed away the cloth he used to clean. “They probably have things to do.”

“And they didn’t even say goodbye to me.” You sighed and plopped yourself on the couch. “I only heard loud noises and a door closing. They didn’t say anything to you?”

“Nope. But, I told them to get their life together before criticising people.”

Your eyes widened in surprise. Never in your friendship with your friends had you ever told them off like that. Sure they weren’t that nice, but you didn’t feel it was right to do that. Yeah, you were pretty much a coward. You scared your friends would leave you.

But to have Hoseok said that? Sure it was nice for your friends to know they were jerks, but you were surely going to lose your friends now.

You huffed and your shoulders sagged.

“What did they even do?” you asked as you watched him taking a seat beside you.

“You’ll find out. It’s better if you know it first from them.”

His answer only made you more curious and mull over what could have happened. What did they do that made a nice person like Hoseok say such a thing? Why did they leave abruptly? Would they end your friendship because of that? Would they ever explain to you what happened? So many questions were running through your head, but you couldn’t even guess the answer for any of them.

Hoseok knew how much you were distraught by what happened, so he, being the sunshine that he was, took you to watch him teaching dance to little kids.

“I’d be the oldest student there,” you whined.

“You come not as a student.” He laughed. “You come as my friend.”

“They’d be embarrassed if I watch along.”

“No way. They’re cool with it.” Then he added, “And cute.”

He wasn’t one to lie. The kids were indeed adorable. And their parents were also nice. While you were talking to the parents, the kids occasionally went to you to show you or ask you something. Mostly to ask you what happened to your foot. But one asked you a question that made your cheek heat up for the rest of the class.

“Are you Uncle Hobi’s girlfriend?”

“Oh- Umm…” you stuttered. “I-”

The parent quickly cut it before you could answer. “Don’t ask a question like that!”

“But I’m curious since he said he likes someone.”

You wondered who he liked, but you knew better than to gossip about romance with a kid. So in the end, you refrained yourself from asking.

Once the class finished, Hoseok came up to you with a proud grin and a sweaty body.

“How was it?”

“You were right. They were cute. But one little birdie told me something.” You smirk.

“Oh, no. I don’t want to see that face.”

“C’mon. Just answer me. Who are you crushing on, Hobi?”

He groaned. “You knew about my crush and the nickname. I shouldn’t have brought you here. This was a bad idea.”

“I think it’s fun,” you teased. “Now, entertain me.”

He sighed. “It’s a girl I know from one of my classes.”

“Not the nurse, huh?” You raised an eyebrow.

“Never the nurse. Did that answer your question?”

“Not really. But I’ll take it for now since you’re stinky. Go take a shower!”

“Yes, ma’am.” He laughed.

His Friday schedule, that used to be filled with a class with you, was now empty. He was a high-demand teacher, his empty classes were almost instantly filled, but no one really wanted to have a class on a Friday evening. That was reserved for laying in bed and nothing else.

So, instead of letting you mope around during the time which you should have been having a class, Hoseok took you to his secret space on the other side of the dance studio. Secret space because no one in the world knew what was inside aside from him and one curious student that accidentally found it.

Hope World was the name. Such a fitting name for a place with a warm atmosphere, two huge speakers, several smaller speakers, and two giant monitors. There were also a lot of hypebeast plushies and decorations. On the couch, on the table, even on the floor, covering most of the surface in the room.

You took a seat on the couch while feeling its soft surface beneath your hand. “What is this place?”

“This is where I make music. I’m a dance teacher by day and a music producer by night.” He grinned.

“Why did you decide to show me this? This seems… personal.”

“Because I want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with doing the things you like.” He turned on the computer and played a song.

“The song is called Blue Side. For a long time, I have had problems finishing this song. But then I found the final piece.”

“What was it?”

“I needed to let go of my past happiness for a greater happiness,” he answered without hesitation, as if he already rehearsed that. “That’s kinda the gist of the song, too. And I think you need that advice right now.”

He was right. Sacrificing your past happiness that was your old friends would probably change your life drastically. You needn't seek their validation in anything you do. Only you mattered because you were the one living your life. Question was, were you ready to let them go?

You looked at him in his eyes. A small smile played on your lips. “Thank you.”

He smiled back before going back to his computer to change the song.

“Okay enough of depressing shit. Let’s dance!” He carefully took your hands in his and pulled you up on your feet.

“I can’t dance,” you whined. “With or without the cast.”

“We’re not doing that kind of dance, you doofus. We’re just swaying along to the song.” He wrapped an arm around your waist so you could follow his sways easier. On instinct, you wrapped your arms around his neck.

He swayed ever so slightly, following along the rhythm of the song. The melody filled around the room, into your ears, and out of it again. Hoseok’s strong hands held you, making sure you were steady and wouldn’t topple over. The smell of the room that was so Hoseok, you were pretty sure he used his own perfume to freshen his room. Yet, among all of these foreign things, you felt just right. You felt home.

Once you got the hang of it, you laughed. “This is the easiest dance move you’ve ever taught me.”

“Glad you think this is the easiest because I don’t know any other easier moves.”

“Well, I’m sorry for being unathletic,” you defended yourself. “I didn’t ask to be born like this.”

“What? Born naturally gorgeous?” Soon after those words left his mouth, he looked anywhere else but you, totally pretending like nothing happened.

With cheeks burning, you complained, “You can’t say that and pretend nothing happened.”

He looked back at you and laughed. “Why? Are you shy?”

You punched his chest in a joking manner.

It was when the song stopped when you realized how close you were to Hoseok. You could even smell his cologne, see his tiny freckles scattered on his face, and feel his breath that smelled like mint, a sure sign he ate too many mints. If he was handsome from a distance, he was mesmerizing up close.

Your eyes found his and you saw how captivating his eyes were. Pools of warm brown eyes, deep enough to drown and hypnotize you. And when he smiled, they turned into crescents with wrinkles at the side. Simply put, he had the most beautiful eyes you had ever seen.

Your mind snapped back into reality and you immediately let go of him in a panic. Just as you let him go, he also let you go on instinct, making you unable to keep your balance and struggle to find your footing.

“Oh, shit!” He steadied you again with his hands on your waist. “Are you alright?”

Your eyes widened at the event that just unfolded. “Yeah. Thanks for saving my life again.”

“Just so you know, I don’t mind saving you repeatedly if that’s what I need to do to keep you alright.”

It was safe to say that his words echoed in your mind for the rest of the day.

The next day, your questions from the previous days were answered.

“We’re very sorry about what we did,” one of your friends said as soon as they entered your apartment.

“Is this about when you guys left a few days ago?”

“Yes. But we have a reason for that,” another friend answered.

“And the reason being?” You raised an eyebrow, anticipating what was coming next.

You were no longer sure if you wanted to hear it.

“We-”

“We talked shit about you to Hoseok,” the last one interjected. Always to the point, that one.

“We’re very sorry. I know it was wrong and stupid of us to do that. We get it if you don’t want to befriend us anymore,” the first one spoke up again.

Sure you felt sad, but a part of you knew that this had been happening long before. It was more like you waited for them to finally come clean and confess to them, so you weren’t surprised at all. And with them coming clean, you were relieved. You could finally let them go in peace. Just like what Hoseok had said.

You nodded your head slowly. You didn’t have the strength to even look at them in their eyes. “Thanks for being honest with me and for being my best friends all this time. But everything has an end and I think this is ours.”

“I assume they have apologized?” Hoseok asked after looking at your bright smile. The smile of a person who could finally let go of their burdens.

It was Sunday, the day after your friends confessed, and you were stuck in the library with him. While you wanted to listen more to his songs, he wanted to take you to the library. It took a bit of bickering, but he won in the end since you both had never been to a library together before.

“Yes. Thanks for defending me. You didn’t need to do that.” You reached for a book that was too high.

Hoseok came behind you and grabbed the book before handing it to you. “Hadn’t I done that, they’d still walk all over you.”

Oh how true his words were, but you weren’t going to admit that.

“Whatever. I’m still grateful, though.”

“You’re very welcome.”

You sat at a corner and he followed suit, sitting right beside you.

“And what did you say to them?” he asked.

You shrugged. “I don’t remember, but what’s important is that I cut ties with them. I did exactly what you had taught me.”

“I know you’re a good student. Always diligent and curious. And a fast learner, too.”

“Aren’t you proud of me?” You grinned at him.

“I’m always proud of you, ever since the first day you joined my class.”

Sure, there were days in which you wished you were more athletic, but if it weren’t for your lack of athleticism, you wouldn’t have been this close with Hoseok. Or ending your toxic friendship. So you gotta give the credits where it was due.

“Last lesson, enjoy the things you love to do unapologetically.”

“One question, what was your past happiness?”

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dgcatanisiri · 3 years

Text

Tried to make a brief summary of the issues of Mass Effect Andromeda’s handling of queer men and how it relates to why we’re (broad use here) upset with the Legendary Edition failing to provide better representation than the originals, and it kinda turned in to what amounts to an open letter for BioWare.

So, what the heck, here it is.

A little personal background. I spent my high school life completely in the closet. After graduating, I had a new computer and the opportunity to play a new game. The game chosen was BioWare’s Jade Empire. Still a fairly recent release, and I was a big fan of Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic, also by BioWare. So, being a young gay man, still uncomfortable and uncertain of who I was, I was very excited when I got to play this game that would allow me to play a gay romance, a romance that featured two men. I burned through two playthroughs of the game within less than a week, enjoying that rush of acknowledgement that yes, gay guys could be the hero. It was a massive affirmation for me at the time, something that said that my sexuality was not going to prevent me from being the hero, which legitimately was a message that I felt like most media was giving me to that point, because gay men barely appeared in anything other than guest roles for an episode or two on a TV show, but certainly not in video games. That game, that experience... I’ve said for years that it had cemented me as a BioWare fan for life.

If I say that now, it is a statement with a few caveats.

The history of the failure of Mass Effect 1 and Mass Effect 2 to provide any male/male romances is well documented. I was excited, very eager to romance Kaidan Alenko in Mass Effect 3. But even then, I noticed that there were things that were lacking in the romance. It was noticeable, for instance, that the basic dialogue between male Shepard and female Shepard was unchanged, if either was starting a new romance with Kaidan. The thing that always felt... WRONG about that was that if I’d had the option to begin a romance with him in the first game, I would have. Yet there’s not even a bit of dialogue that even references that inability, no comment of “I didn’t think you were available,” or anything of the sort, nothing to say that, say, Shepard was interested in Kaidan at the time, but didn’t believe he’d be receptive, didn’t want to damage their friendship, something of the sort. There was even a cut in the romance scene, where female Shepard will sit in Kaidan’s lap before being lifted up and carried to the bed, but with male Shepard and Kaidan, just fades to black. And then in the Citadel DLC, while all the other pairings walked in to the casino arm in arm, male Shepard and Kaidan are leaving plenty of room between them. There’s also the absence of any cuddling as they return to the Normandy.

To say nothing of the lack of Steve Cortez during the story segments of Citadel – he is not part of the big team entrance to the apartment, just spontaneously appears in the lounge room. He doesn’t participate in the briefings, and he is not a casino date, despite being part of the assembled team. Cortez also suffers from the fact that his romance spends so much time on how he needs to move on from the death of his husband, Shepard can come across as predatory towards him, trying to push him out of his grief and his pants. Due to the lateness of his arrival in the story, in game three, as opposed to game one or two, there is significantly less time to establish him as a person – beyond his past as a pilot and the death of his husband, we gain almost no concept of his personality or personal history.

I bring all of this up to help set the stage of what was expected when Mass Effect Andromeda was nearing release. Mass Effect had been full of problems of representation of queer men specifically (not that they were perfect on the count of female/female relationships either, because there’s plenty to talk about there, but as I’m not a lesbian or bisexual woman, I don’t feel comfortable talking about their experiences for them). While there were flaws, Dragon Age, what is often considered Mass Effect’s sister franchise, HAD managed to provide male/male romances in every iteration of that franchise.

In fact, considering that Dragon Age’s most recent installment, Dragon Age Inquisition, had been put out with a lot of fanfare about the first gay male companion, who was considered rather popular in the fandom, and the game itself receiving the Game of the Year award that year, indicating that, if there was any risk in the business sense of providing representation of queer men, it was negligible at most in the bottom line of that game, the attitude of a lot of gay men in the lead up to Andromeda’s release was some variation of “okay, Mass Effect has been flawed, but BioWare’s learned from their past mistakes, and they’re coming off the heels of a hugely successful game that had a gay character whose gayness was front and center in his storyline... We can expect that things will be fine, and we don’t have to worry.” That was the dominant attitude I found in a lot of my queer-oriented spaces.

But we started getting uncomfortable as the developers remained cagey about romance options in Andromeda – there were Twitter responses to “we’re concerned about Mass Effect’s history of gay representation, we would like to know about the options” that came out as “we checked and yep! They’re there!” These responses came across as flippant and even tone-deaf – the reason that the question was being asked was because of prior failures to be included, and not simply a desire to get all the details before launch.

As the trailers started coming out, the questions continued from the fans, and the response from the developers... continued to be uncomfortable. When asked directly for a listing of romances prior to release, the response was that the developers wanted players to learn as they played, that “the fun is in experiencing it!” This was a specific response when it was learned that the romance options could be flirted with regardless of orientation, but they would shut it down. Despite the fact that the trailers DID include content from certain romances – specifically, the male Ryder/Cora and male Ryder/Peebee romances.

This was uncomfortable for a lot of queer players like myself because it spoke to a lack of consideration of what it is like to be queer. In many places, it is a serious question of safety to even put yourself out there to find a partner, to flirt with someone openly unless you are already certain that there is a chance for a positive response. There are places where a queer person flirting with the wrong person can get them harassed, assaulted, even killed for doing so. Even in the safety of a virtual construct of video games, these are honed instincts that queer people have developed. And no matter how many times we would say this to the developers, no one seemed to understand. Likewise, the fact that the trailers felt free to show off heterosexual romances, but not queer ones felt... questionable.

Then, finally, firm details started coming out, and... There were problems. Early data-mining said that there was an even split of romances between orientations. But there was a bit of discomfort around the reveal that the gay characters, Suvi and Gil, were limited to the ship, rather than being companions who would accompany Ryder on missions. There is a history of companions being given more involved storylines and involvement than secondary characters. It also didn’t help the disappointment from queer people who’d been eager for Cora or Liam as romances, who were firmly established as straight (Cora herself had a popular lesbian following).

That discomfort increased when it came out further that, ACTUALLY, Jaal would not be available for Male Ryder. This caused a lot of upset. Now it was a case where there was NO M/M squadmate romance option. This on top of the group of fans who were uncomfortable with the idea that, in a sci-fi series, gay men couldn’t romance an alien, while this had become a staple of the series, considering Liara, the character from a species described as equivalent to Star Trek green-skinned Orion girls, had been available for straight men and lesbian/bi women from ME1, and straight women got in on the act with Garrus and Thane in ME2, on top of straight men also getting Tali.

This got worse when the achievement listing for the game was released and there was an achievement for “romancing three different characters.” Meaning that it was absolutely impossible for a gay man to play the game and get this achievement without playing a sexuality other than his own.

This is why I led with my experience with Jade Empire, why it was so affirming to me. Because to hear all this, ten years later, to see what had been so affirming to me a decade prior be functionally dismissed, be shown to take a secondary position at best... It hurt.

And the game proper did not help that feeling at all.

So first we meet Gil Brodie. Engineer of the Tempest. One of the first things we learn about him is that he has a close friendship with a woman named Jill. And then he immediately tells us that one) she is a fertility specialist, and two) she “says [he’s] part of the problem” because he won’t have kids the natural way. This is immediately setting off red flags to me – I can think of plenty of my friendships where we give one another grief for various things, but I would never think of introducing any of them to someone else with that fact. So my reflexive thought in this situation is “what kind of a friend is this really?”

And then, as the game goes on... This is the only thing that Gil’s conversations involve, the prospect of having kids. We do not learn much more about him, just have him talking about considering the idea. The lock-in for his romance requires Ryder to meet Jill, who Gil again says that she will talk his ear off about his “civic duty” to reproduce, a fact that makes those earlier red flags wave higher and more furiously, because who DOES that to a total stranger? And this is passed off as being “charming.” This leads to the culmination of the romance, where Gil says that Jill has decided she wants to get pregnant and she wants Gil to be the dad.

There’s... A LOT going on here, so let me work through this. First, one of the few things Gil says as a bit of establishing his character is that he is impulsive, that he joined the Andromeda Initiative, the journey from the Milky Way galaxy to the Andromeda galaxy without really thinking through what it would mean, that it was a one-way journey with no way to back out once he’d gotten there. So this is already saying to me that this is not a person who really SHOULD be a parent, at least at this point in his life.

We also get a couple of emails from him in-game that paint him as putting in thirty-six hour workdays into the engines on the Tempest, that he cares about and puts a lot of time into those engines. So when I think about him as a father, I see him having to give up something he’s deeply passionate about to do it, because the Tempest is certainly no place to raise a child – they can’t exactly put a playpen in the cargo hold, for example.

This would be one of the first things that I would think of as a discussion element, but... it’s not there. All that we get is a couple of casual comments about how Gil should know that bringing a child into the world is a big thing, something that shouldn’t be done lightly. But this is framed as Ryder questioning Gil’s fitness to be a parent at all, rather than questioning if he’s thinking this through and having considered this enough to be ready to take on this responsibility, or if it’s even something that he even wants.

Because that’s the other big thing here – this is not Gil’s idea. This is not something that he makes clear is his desire. No, it’s Jill who has decided that she wants to get pregnant and use Gil’s sperm. For all that he matters in this whole thing, he might as well be a turkey baster. He’s basically an accessory in his own story, because he goes in to this with all the passion of a math equation: “The Andromeda Initiative is a colonization effort. Therefore, the idea is to have babies. Therefore, I should find some way to reproduce.” This isn’t him having a passion or desire to have kids, just it being “something you do.”

This is, genuinely, a failure to understand the character who was being written. Gil’s writing reeks of having been written by someone who does not know what they are talking about. There is an element to the gay experience that is not innate but learned. When we realize that having children is not a thing that will just happen, that if we want this to happen, it will require a lot of additional steps, there are many who will simply say “this isn’t for me, this is more work than I’m willing to put in to for this.”

Now, Gil could have been someone who had decided it was worth it, but that butts up against the idea of him being impulsive, that he doesn’t think things through. There is no time given to focusing on the reason he decides this is the right choice for him, to the point that many players felt that this was not Gil’s decision but something that Jill was pushing, that she expected him to jump on her command. Because we have so little of Gil, as a character and an individual, but plenty of him talking up her, this “friendship” feels toxic to many.

Just about everyone I have ever spoken with about Gil is deeply uncomfortable that literally, the only way that he will not have a child at this point is if a romanced Ryder stops him – if I am playing a game where I don’t romance him, I actively just stop interacting with him at a certain point so that this never comes up, because this does not come across as happy. It comes across as forcing a gay man into a heteronormative experience to satisfy some traditional idea of “man and woman, raising kids.”

And, as the cherry on top, if you do tell Gil that you’re not comfortable having kids – a very real thing, whether gay or straight – then, unlike other romances, Gil and Ryder do not share a kiss at the finale of the game. And, during the last conversations on Meridian, the only thing Gil even brings up is Jill being pregnant, whether or not it’s his child.

This is what “representation of gay men” amounted to in Mass Effect Andromeda. A homophobic story that was about a gay experience written by someone who is not a part of this community and does not know or understand the experience personally, going through the motions of development when really, all that is cared about is the end result. To say that most of the gay men I know who have played this game find this homophobic is to undersell the point.

It doesn’t help that, of all the Tempest romances, Gil also clocks in with the least amount of romance exclusive material – a few flirts, the romance lock in and scene, and being able to stop Gil from having kids. Other than that, his friendship and his romance are virtually identical.

Speaking of, the romance scene consists of a make out session that fades to black, before coming back in with Ryder and Gil, shot from about shoulders up, briefly wrapping up their conversation that preceded the fade to black. This is noteworthy when the heterosexual romances between Ryder and their human love interests, as well as Peebee and Jaal, the former having a similar body model to naked human women, just blue, and Jaal, who is naked at other points in the game, have much more involved romance scenes – Cora’s in specific received special attention.

All of this, individually, may have just been reflective of time crunch and other external pressures – we all understand the realities of game development, that for all the ambitions that go in, when the deadlines are nearing, something has to give. But taken collectively... The kindest question is to ask why all of the “give” happened in regards to the gay man?

The end result with Gil honestly feels like he was written in response to the bad faith arguments that had come up in the period after the name for the game was revealed and it was made clear that the game would follow a colonization effort. There were a contingent of people who said that “there shouldn’t be gay people coming along, a colonization effort needs to reproduce.” This is a bad faith argument from homophobes, trying to justify why they don’t want gay people in “their” games. In answering their question, the question they only “ask” in order to explain why they don’t want to have gay people in the game without saying that, it comes across as catering the gay content for a heterosexual audience. It should go without saying that this is a bad position to take.

So, that’s Gil. What about Reyes? Well, Reyes himself is bound to a single planet, which, again, points to a minimizing of how much content he will even get, since his content can only be accessed on this single planet. Likewise, Reyes, as a character, is someone who falls in to several old, tired tropes with regards to bisexual men – he is a shady, untrustworthy character, in this instance literally a criminal, meant to be evocative of the “dashing rogue” archetype. This is a characterization that has often been BioWare’s go-to with regards to bisexual men, because we see this archetype drawn on in Jade Empire’s Sky, Dragon Age Origins’ Zevran, Dragon Age 2’s Anders, and even elements exist in Dragon Age Inquisition’s Dorian (even if he is a gay man). It’s a well that BioWare has frequently tapped when it comes to a romance option for queer men, to the point that it starts to feel like BioWare in general believes that this IS what queer men are.

There’s also the questionable portrayal of Reyes that leads to a description of the trope “the depraved bisexual,” an explicitly bisexual character who uses sex and sexuality as a manipulative tool, that they treat others as simply there to be their toys. Over in Dragon Age Inquisition, one of the romance options was specifically NOT made bisexual in order to avoid this trope, but Reyes himself seems to be a candidate for that trope all the same.

All this, and, again, the romance options for gay men were unequal to those for everyone else. This prompted the campaign #MakeJaalBi – Jaal was, notably, the character initially assumed to be the bisexual male companion, and on release, his romance was heterosexual exclusive. But datamining revealed that there was code for him to be romanced by male Ryder. Indeed, on release, it was noteworthy that Jaal could not even be flirted with by male Ryder. Liam had a distinct turndown for male Ryder, a couple of them, depending on when Ryder flirts with him. Jaal had no such turndown.

And this worked. BioWare released the patch for Andromeda that gave Jaal a bisexual romance. However, this was the only change that Mass Effect Andromeda received in regards to the issues of the romances before support for the game ended. While it was seen as an improvement, it was also questioned why this was the only change, when... Well, I spent the better part of two pages outlining the problems of Gil’s portrayal.

(I feel I would be remiss to not mention there was also a character, Hainley Abrams, who would, upon interacting with her, proceed to deadname herself to Ryder, as if that is the only way to establish that a transgender person is trans. This was also changed in a patch after the trans community complained, and, in conjunction with the above, led more than a few people to wonder if the Andromeda script had been looked over by any queer sensitivity readers, given the earlier issues with Gil. This does go out of the scope of everything else in this discussion, but it is worth mentioning.)

When Mac Walters says players will talk about how Shepard is each of theirs, that every individual player approaches Shepard as being “their” Shepard, he isn’t wrong. He says the characters, and the relationships we have with the characters is the heart and soul of the series, he isn’t wrong. And yet... When I play the trilogy, my heart and soul are being torn apart, because I do not get to see myself in the trilogy. I am not there in this story, at least for two thirds of the way. And in that third that I am there, I feel like I am cared about less than my counterparts who are heterosexual.

The idea that “making” characters available for same sex romance changes them is like saying that there is some inherent difference in a person because of their sexualities. While it’s true that the experiences of queer people does offer different perspectives on matters, it does not fundamentally alter the person, the individual that we are. It does not change our heart and soul. Restoring the bisexuality of characters like Jack, Jacob, Ashley, Thane, or Tali is not changing who they are. Making Kaidan bisexual in ME3 did not change who he was, and restoring a romance between him and male Shepard in ME1 would not change him either.

Every game has some cut content surrounding queer content specifically, and a great deal of that content is specifically for gay players like myself. I said at the beginning that I once thought of myself as a BioWare fan for life, but that now comes with caveats. The caveats are pretty simple – while the games produced by BioWare once felt affirming, now they feel like they’re only grudgingly allowing me to be there. That if I must be there, I should just take the scraps I’m given and be content with that, rather than being treated as an equal.

I like to think that this is not the message that the people at BioWare wish to impart to their players. I like to believe BioWare’s statements of wanting to be an inclusive and welcoming environment for their players, regardless of gender, race, sexuality, orientation, whatever identity and label one chooses. But based on the experience of the last four games, of the Legendary Edition perpetuating the homophobia of over a decade ago... I have a hard time believing that.

BioWare games once made me feel like I was equal to the straight heroes across my media. Unfortunately, I don’t feel that way about their games anymore. Not when, after having the opportunity to restore the bisexuality of Kaidan – of multiple characters, really – in the Legendary Edition, I am still being told that offering representation for people like me is something that only comes grudgingly.

And if that’s what I see now... What does it say about what the future of the franchise will offer? If every game in this series involves fighting for content that, in particular, heterosexual players will see offered as the rule, what motivates me to want to continue to be invested and involved in this franchise?

#bioware critical #dg rants #another angry queer rant #make mass effect inclusive #make mele inclusive #makemeleinclusive

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litafficionado · 3 years

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Four Questions with Garielle Lutz:

I’m extremely beholden to Garielle who took the time to respond to my silly, garbled, childish, intrusive questions. You can purchase her latest book Worsted here and here, among many other sites. --------- Q. You've attributed the resuscitation of your literary career in quite considerable measure to your teacher and editor Gordon Lish. It seems like you guys are particularly close, even as you seem to have largely confined yourself to Pittsburgh(mostly driven by your erstwhile teaching career but also by your liking the city over time). How does it feel to hear someone like Gordon speak so highly of you, “I think there’s more truth in one sentence of my student [Lutz] than in all of [Philip] Roth. Lutz gives [herself] away. “The speaking subject gives herself away,” says Julia Kristeva. I thoroughly believe that. What you see in Lutz, [her] lavish gift, is [her] refusal to relax [her] determination to uncover and uncover. It is, by my lights, quite wonderful, quite terrific.[…]Lutz is entirely the real thing?” Does one feel vindicated? How do you navigate the waters of self-effacement and self-indulgence as a writer and as a person? A. I haven’t had a literary career before or after studying with Gordon Lish. I don’t think one finds one’s way to him in hopes of launching a career. Anyone with vulgar ambition along those lines would have been shown the door pretty quick. I would never presume to be close to Gordon or to feel that I am part of his life other than in my role as a student. He dwells in another realm entirely. I attended his classes and tried to grasp, to the best of my abilities, the things he was saying about how to get from one word to the next. He also talked about how to free a word from the constricting range of its permissible behaviors, how to drain it of every sepsis of received meaning, until there is nothing left of the word but the skeleton of its former self, just the lank, gawky letters sticking out this way and that, and then how to fill the thing up again, to the point of overspilling, but this time with something that would never have been allowed to belong in there before, and then see whether the word, now close to bursting, can hold up and maybe have a new kind of say. I’m always surprised and relieved whenever Gordon says anything approving about anything I write. I think that for a lot of his students, his opinion is the only one that counts.

Q. You've said, "A typical day goes like this: noon, afternoon, evening, night, additional night, even more night, furtherest night, then bedtime, though I don’t have a bed or furniture of any kind.” Have you always been a lychnobite, sensing the overwhelming superabundance of life after the sunset or is it a relatively recent development facilitated by your retirement from teaching? Do you consider yourself in any way to be a minimalist? Does your room bear any resemblance with a sparsely lit opium den where all exchanges happen at the floor level?

A. I think the pandemic has had a lot to do with it. Lately I’ve been up until five, sometimes six. But I’ve always found mornings the harshest and ugliest part of the day (maybe it’s just because of the place where I live, but I never open the blinds anyway). There can be something awfully scolding about a sunrise the older you get Evening seems to extend every form of leniency, and in the dead of night, expectations go way down, which is where they maybe ought to stay. I do spend all of my time on the floor, but my apartment doesn’t bear any resemblance to an opium den. It’s more like a crawlspace or the back of a dollar-store stockroom.

Q. Even with your reputation of being a page-hugger than a typical page-turner, how do you decide which books to read apart from your line of work? Do you try to keep it largely in the familiar territory, like exploring the oeuvre of a time-tested writer? How does one unshackle oneself from this constant niggling that one ought to read so many books? Here's Ben Marcus: “When I was in graduate school, there was this sort of cautionary adage going around by the poet Francis Ponge that we can only write what we’ve already read and one way to hear that is you’re just sort of doomed to kind of regurgitate everything you’ve read and so if you’re just reading all the popular books, the books everyone else is reading, in some sense you’re maybe unwittingly confining yourself to a particular literary practice that’s gonna look pretty familiar. I remember at the time thinking, okay well if that’s true, if I’m just fated to that, then I’m gonna read things that no one else is reading. I loved to just go to the library and pretty randomly grab books, because I think for a little while, and I’m kinda glad this passed, but I really just had this feeling that a writer just consumes language and just sort of spits it out. So it didn’t matter. Like it didn’t have to be a great novel for it to be worth-reading. And I still read very little fiction in the end compared to non-fiction, essays, works of philosophy, science. And the other sort of dirty secret is: I don’t finish a lot of books. I just don’t care enough. I only finish a book if I have to or if I really want to. And, often, I’ll stop reading a book three pages from the end. I think that as writers, we probably feel a lot of pressure about what kind of a reader to be, what kind of a writer to be in, and we feel this shame, like “I haven’t read DH Lawrence, I’m such an asshole.” You begin to feel like you’ve these deficiencies and you gotta make them up and you never will and a lot of it is just kinda tyrannical. Of course, obviously, we must be naturally motivated to read and read and read and read but I guess I just started to notice that…I got a lot of my ideas by just reading…e.g. a gardening book…like the weird way a sentence was structured.” Then there's Moyra Davey: “Woolf famously said of reading: “The only advice … is to take no advice, … follow your instincts, … use your reason.” A similar thought was voiced by her elder contemporary Oscar Wilde, who did not believe in recommending books, only in de-recommending them. Later, Jorge Luis Borges echoed the same sentiment by discouraging “systematic bibliographies” in favor of “adulterous” reading. More recently, Gregg Bordowitz has promoted “promiscuous” reading in which you impulsively allow an “imposter” book to overrule any reading trajectory you might have set for yourself, simply because, for instance, a friend tells you in conversation that he is reading it and is excited by it. This evokes for me that most potent kind of reading — reading as flirtation with or eavesdropping on someone you love or desire, someone who figures in your fantasy life.”“What to read?” is a recurring dilemma in my life. The question always conjures up an image: a woman at home, half-dressed, moving restlessly from room to room, picking up a book, reading a page or two and no sooner feeling her mind drift, telling herself, “You should be reading something else, you should be doing something else.” The image also has a mise-en-scène: overstuffed, disorderly shelves of dusty and yellowing books, many of them unread; books in piles around the bed or faced down on a table; work prints of photographs, also with a faint covering of dust, taped to the walls of the studio; a pile of bills; a sink full of dishes. She is trying to concentrate on the page in front of her but a distracting blip in her head travels from one desultory scene to the next, each one competing for her attention. It is not just a question of which book will absorb her, for there are plenty that will do that, but rather, which book, in a nearly cosmic sense, will choose her, redeem her. Often what is at stake, should she want to spell it out, is the idea that something is missing, as in: what is the crucial bit of urgently needed knowledge that will save her, at least for this day? She has the idea that if she can simply plug into the right book then all will be calm, still, and right with the world. […] Must reading be tied to productivity to be truly satisfying […] Or is it the opposite, that it can only really gratify if it is a total escape? What is it that gives us a sense of sustenance and completion? Are we on some level always striving to attain that blissful state of un-agendaed reading remembered from childhood? What does it mean to spend a good part of one’s life absorbed in books? Given that our time is limited, the problem of reading becomes one of exclusion. Why pick one book over the hundreds, perhaps thousands on our bookshelves, the further millions in libraries and stores? For in settling on any book we are implicitly saying no to countless others. This conflict is aptly conjured up by essayist Lynne Sharon Schwartz as she reflects on “the many books (the many acts) I cannot in all decency leave unread (undone) — or can I?”” What way out do you suggest? Do you deem it worthwhile to eschew any shred of obligation and be propelled in any direction naturally? Like you said you found grammar books and lexicons more engaging and enjoyable than the novels.

A. I seem to remember that in some magazine or another, James Wolcott once said “Read at whim.” That has always sounded like the best advice. And I assume it means to feel free to ditch any book that disappoints. Like Ben Marcus, I’ve had experiences of abandoning a book just a few pages from the end, but I often don’t make it that far in most things anymore. I came from a long line of nonreaders, so I’ve never felt any guilt about passing up books or writers that so many people seem to talk about a lot, and I don’t expect other people to like what I like. Some books I’ll start about halfway in and then see whether I might want to work my way back to the beginning. Others I’ll start at the very end and inch my way toward the front, one sentence at a time, and see how far I can go that way. I seem to remember that in The Pleasure of the Text, Roland Barthes recommends “cruising” a text, and maybe something like that is what I’m doing at least some of the time, if I understand what he means. And every now and then I’ll read a book straightforwardly for an hour and afterward wonder whether the time might have been better spent staring off into space. Too many books these days seem ungiving. It’s the ungivingness that disappoints the most. A lot of contemporary fiction has the gleam and sparkle of a trend feature in a glossy magazine, and I can appreciate the craft and the savvy that go into something like that, but I am drawn more toward stories and books that demand being read slowly and closely, pulse by pulse, the kind of fiction where everything--what little might be left of an entire blighted life--can pivot on the peal of a single syllable. Q. I'd like to ask you so many questions. But let this be the last one for matters of convenience. Also, in a capitalistic world, one's enshrouded with guilt for taking one's time without being remunerative in any way. Among the books and films that you recently encountered, which ones do you think deserve rereads/rewatches? A. I used to feel like the woman you’ve described so movingly above, someone who questions her choice of books almost to the brink of despair. At my age, though, I no longer have a program for reading, a syllabus or a checklist, and I’m okay with knowing there’s a lot I’ll never get around to. I’m happy being a rereader of a few inexhaustible books and chancing upon occasional fresh treasure. The one book that has shaken me the most in the longest time is Anna DeForest’s A History of Present Illness, which will be out next August. It’s a blisteringly truthful novel written with moral grace and unsettling brilliance and an awing mastery of language. A couple of recent books I have read in manuscript, books that totally knocked me out with their originality and uncanny command of the word, are Greg Gerke’s In the Suavity of the Rock (a novel) and David Nutt’s Summertime in the Emergency Room (a short-story collection). I haven’t watched many movies in the past few months, and the ones I watched aren’t ones I’ll probably be rewatching anytime soon.

#Garielle Lutz #lit #Worsted #Moyra Davey #Ben Marcus #Gordon Lish #Anna DeForest #A History of Present Illness #Greg Gerke #In the Suavity of the Rock #David Nutt #Summertime in the Emergency Room

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anxious-shapeshifter · 3 years

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Pushing the Boundary

If I’m not mistaken, this is the fourth time the missionaries have reached out to me in a 6-month period. They caught me with an unassuming phone call this time, which I answered because it was a local number not marked as spam.

It’s a new pair of sister missionaries this time around, but it’s always been the same spiel whenever they call, every year: “Hi! We’re new to the ward and wanted to get to know all of the members!”

Uh-huh. I’m sure they’re visiting *every* member of the ward, and not just prioritizing the less-actives…no way they’d have ulterior motives in visiting me to share a message. I hope my sarcasm is palpable.

I’m not normally super bothered by missionaries wanting to visit. In the past, I’ve usually let them come share a quick message, mostly because I’m too polite to decline but also because I hope it gives them something to do with their day.

It’s been different this year, though. And especially in this particular instance, it’s because of the very blatant boundary-crossing that’s occurred. Apparently the previous pair that I was so open and blunt with forgot to share that I no longer wish to be visited.

I know this is common, I had a feeling this would happen, but it doesn’t stop me from being frustrated about it and wanting to write a full-blown essay/rant on the matter.

With the last pair, I stated flat-out that I’m gay and trans/nonbinary, and specifically told them what about church made me uncomfortable. I firmly told them that this isn’t the religion for me personally. At no point did I personally attack their beliefs or say that their religion wasn’t true (even though I believe it isn’t true), I simply asked that they respect my decision to stop attending and not continue visits to try and convince me otherwise.

It just feels so disgusting to have that request ignored. I always try and be nice first before resorting to more aggressive and blunt responses, because I expect people to treat me with the same respect I treat them with. And with mormons, I am almost always disappointed in this regard. It’s a shame, really.

The other aspect that really bothered me about our brief phone conversation too was the way in which this particular missionary brought up the idea of a visit.

“When can we stop by?”

Not “May we stop by?” or “Would you like us to stop by?” She’d already made the decision for me, and that’s kinda unsettling, really.

I’m mulling over how I want to approach texting her back on the matter, since I responded with a non-committal “I’m not sure when I’m available next week.” I may give into my anger and be a lot more blunt this time around. No use in being polite if they won’t return the favor.

#i’m tired of being nice. i’m gonna go berserk at this rate #theo’s essays #essay #exmo #exmormon #ex religious

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dat-carovieh · 3 years

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Got some interpretation on Hank’s character that got prompted by some discussion on Discord about the stickers on Hank’s work desk. They all seem to somehow send a message about some boomer guy who is racist about androids, hates his ex-wife, is in general a grumpy asshole who is a prick to everyone. But is he really and if not, how do you explain the stickers?

So, let’s first have a look at who Hank interacts with throughout the game to see if he really is a grumpy prick like the stickers suggest. We will get to the stickers later. I will not include Connor for now, because I think that has been talked about a lot also this post is already a novel. But let’s talk about side characters.

We have of course his co-workers. Most memorable is probably Gavin. He clearly doesn’t like Gavin and Gavin clearly doesn’t like him. Gavin is pretty shitty to Hank, despite Hank being his superior. So I think Hank calling Gavin an asshole and not being friendly with him makes sense. How about other co-workers, we don’t see a lot. I can only think of Ben and Chris. They seem to be respecting each other. In Partners Hank arrives, gets greeted by Ben, has a polite conversation about what happened, Ben teases him a little, Hank does not get rude about it, maybe a bit grumpy, but well he’s annoyed about his new partner. He than walks around the crime scene and asks questions. When he talks, he is polite to the person he talks to. He talks to Chris in public enemy (Please excuse if I forget instances, I have played the game a couple of times, but my brain isn’t perfect) He enters, he makes a joke, in my opinion it’s funny and in no way rude, he’s annoyed with the FBI, yeah but I think that’s normal. He asks Chris questions, listens to him, polite conversation, they seem to clearly respect each other and have a good and professional relationship. Later Hank is clearly really affected by what happened to Chris, no matter if he got killed or not.

Jeffrey is a little harder. They do yell at each other, it’s not really pretty, there are clearly issues between them. They go way back and I can imagine they butt heads a lot because Jeffrey is disappointed in Hank for letting himself go and giving in to his depression and alcoholism. I can imagine he had tried to help Hank and he resisted a lot, Hank seems like the type. So there is a lot of tension that comes out between them.

I mentioned the FBI earlier, so clearly, we have to talk about Perkins, THAT MOTHER FUCKER. Yeah, I hate him, he’s an asshole, Hank thinks the same. But honestly Perkins was super rude from the beginning. Chris introduced them and instead of a “Hello” or whatever his first words were “What is that” about Connor. Yeah, fuck off Perkins. Hank has actually been really polite with him there, if you take in the circumstances.

Let’s move to the Eden Club. Who does he interact here? Ben, briefly, polite professional, he calls Gavin an asshole, when he’s not there, he doesn’t really say anything to Gavin when they’re in the same room, despite Gavin being a little shit again. Eden Club owner? He’s polite as he questions him, he does mention that he likes his dog more and more the more he learns about humans, which honestly, if you look at why he says that, understandable. Then the Traci, this is easily missed, I only saw it on my fourth playthrough, he is trying to gently let her down and it’s incredibly adorable. The guy who supposedly absolutely hates Androids and thinks they’re just machines tries to not hurt this android sexworker’s feelings even though he believes she doesn’t even have feelings.

We see a little bit of his private life at Chicken Feed where he meets Pedro, a guy who apparently gives him questionable betting advice and last time Hank apparently lost quite a bit of money with Pedro’s advice. But he’s not mad. He mentions it but he is quickly convinced to bet again and he’s in general super friendly to Pedro. Gary, the guy who owns Chicken Feed, him and Hank also seem to have a good relationship. Someone who wouldn’t want to interact with humans and who is annoyed by them (like me sometimes) wouldn’t actually built a connection to the guy you buy your food from. I’m talking from personal experience here. Yes, I’m always friendly to service workers I interact with but I don’t really say more than greeting, thanking, wishing a good day and anything important for whatever I’m buying. Hank clearly knows him better and talks to him. Jimmy is less clear but the way he says to him “Wonders of technology, make it double” it seems like they know each other, they chat on occasion. And I think that extends to other Service workers. He would be friendly at the grocery store when something doesn’t work out r at the restaurant when getting the wrong dish. You know like millennials are, because he is a millennial.

That we go to Kamski. I’m not sure why he seems nervous while talking to Chloe because I’m pretty sure with all his experience he doesn’t get nervous in front of a pretty woman, that seems like it would be really bad for the job. I don’t know what’s with this, maybe cause she’s an android and he’s not sure how to interact with her? But he is very polite to her, greets her and asks for Kamski. Despite her being an android, he supposedly hates. He is less polite to Kamski, but he’s a little shit, who honestly is wilfully withholding information from the police, which is a crime, but he’s rich so I guess he gets away with it.

So, what about the Stickers than? Let’s have a look at the Stickers and see what we have.

I’m just gonna list what we see there, so you don’t have to get through my grainy screenshots and also, it’s accessible for screenreaders.

We have three categories, let’s start with anti Android: -“We don’t bleed the same color” -a blue triangle, crossed out, underneath it says: “No more androids”

That’s it, only two, we know he doesn’t like androids but like mentioned before he is still really polite to them, well his relationship with Connor is starting bumpy and based on player choices might get bumpier. But what is it, he hates? He doesn't like androids in their non-deviated state because of what humans want them to be, he hates that humans basically built human shaped slaves. And honestly, I kinda get it. Connor shoots the Tracis? Hank likes Connor less. Hank shoots Chloe, Hank is mad. Connor spares them? Hank tells him he did the right thing. Connor asked him why he didn’t want him to chase Kara across the highway and the first thing he says is “You could have died” before he remembers he’s supposed to hate androids. Yes, he gives positive feedback when Connor shoots the kitchen android but he was actively threatening all of their lifes.

Next, we have a sticker mentioning an ex-wife, only one. It says: “If I wanted to be ignored I’d talk to my ex-wife” There is something else there but it’s blocked by another sticker.

Seems like classical boomer humour “Haha I hate my ex-wife” or it’s ironic. There is no other instance of an ex-wife being mentioned. For all we know, he might have never been married. Hell he might be gay. Cole might have been adopted. The sticker might be ironic. Or he got it from somewhere and just sticked it on or he did it very shortly after the breakup when he was pretty mad.

Third are the grumpy ones. We have more from them. -“If you’re not a bartender, go away!” twice -“How is my driving? Call: 1-555-IDONTCARE” twice -I’m not grumpy. I just don’t like you.” -“Warning, to avoid injury, don’t tell me how to do my job” -“If you have a complaint, please do to hell.” -“Happy people make me sick”

This screams edgy millennial to me. Also the fact he has stickers twice seems like he just got them somewhere and slapped them on because he found them funny. He didn’t buy them specifically.

The bartender ones? Don’t we all like to make fun of our mental illnesses? He knows he’s an alcoholic, might as well make fun about it. The ones about driving? Wouldn’t you stick them on your car? Why is this in the office? Because they’re stupid but somehow funny, just slap them on there. I’m not grumpy? I would totally say that as well. And I believe people told them he’s grumpy so he probably saw this as fitting. I have to admit I don’t have a specific interpretation to telling him hoe to do his job and the complaint one. The one about happy people? This man is heavily depressed, that’s a coping mechanism, it’s again making fun of your own mental illness. But yes, all in all they boil down to edgy millennial.

I’m well aware that this is probably not what David Cage intended but to be honest I don’t care what David Cage intended. He tried to push boomer Hank on us with these stickers but the Hank we got was different. I don’t know if that’s Clancy’s doing or if this is just another plothole. But that is my interpretation of Hank, nobody asked for.

Anyway, I love Hank and I’m making it everyone’s problem.

#Detroit Become human #Hank Anderson #I love him your honor

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spaceacethespookypan · 3 years

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Space Aces and Confessing

This is a Standalone short of one of the ways I think my Aces could've confessed to each other. It's long and the ending's kinda rushed, but here. Refer here for more info about my Aces

For almost a whole month, Ace has been acting weird. All flighty and avoidant every time Aec goes near him. Aec couldn’t even bring it up over text because their messages were being ignored too. They haven’t had a decent conversation at all and Aec can’t figure out what it was they could’ve done to upset Ace, much less apologize for it. Aec quickly grew fed up with their best friend. After numerous attempts to corner Ace and talk and numerous unread messages, Aec decided to take a page out of Ace’s book and ignore him in return. That lasted about two days before Aec gave up. They’re on their last resort now, using their mutual friends—whom Ace has not been avoiding—to figure out what’s up with Ace.

So, Sylvie set up a time to hang out with Ace at his place, where they could easily keep Ace from running away upon seeing Aec. Hiding in Sylvie’s kitchen, Aec isn’t nervous about Ace’s arrival. No, anything but. They’re angrily anticipating it. They’re frustrated too, but mostly they’re hurt. Ace suddenly avoiding them like Aec is the plague like this, it hurts a lot more than they’d care to admit. Silas, enlisted as well, is stationed in the hallway, blocking access to the washroom and any other lockable space. Sylvie’s stationed in the living room, trying to act like everything’s fine and normal for when the guest of honour arrives. He pulls out his phone and checks the time. “Ten minutes,” Sylvie calls. Ten minutes doesn’t sound like a long time but Aec can;t think of an instance where time moved any slower than it is right now. In just ten measly minutes Ace will arrive and they can finally put an end to this ridiculous farce between the two of them. Just the thought of it has Aec’s hands shaking in anticipation. They want this to be over already and have their best friend back. “He’s here,” Sylvie informs only seven minutes later instead of ten. It's routine for Ace to overestimate his time of arrival to give himself some wiggle room without stressing about being late. A hush falls over the apartment as the sound of footsteps grows closer to the door. Then a quick knock. What was once excitement turns into anxious trepidation as Aec’s heart seizes to the sound of Sylvie opening the door. They thought they were ready, that they could handle this, but hearing Ace's casual, jovial greeting towards Sylvie has Aec’s throat closing up and their stomach twisting up in envious, painful knots. What changes tha Ace could no longer talk to Aec like that? “I’m glad you could make it, it’s been a while since we last hung out like this.” Sylvie smoothly leads Ace over to the couch. They sit and get comfortable. Sylvie has to ease Ace in first before giving the signal for Aec to come out and for Silas to actively block the hallway. “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that,” Ace says lightly, not wanting to drag on the topic more. “But you’re here now! So, let’s chat.” Sylvie claps his hands. “I’ve been wondering something.” This is it. “What about?” Ace inquires naively. The curious, almost pure tone of Ace’s voice has Aec’s heart squeezing with the accompanying thought of he’s too cute.

“Well, Aec, really. What’s going on between you two?” Sylvie crashes right through the gate boldy. Ace doesn’t say anything right away and Aec can just imagine him hiding his face, twiddling his fingers in his lap while he tries to find the right words. “It’s . . . it’s nothing.” They’re disappointing if not expected words. Of course Ace isn’t going to disclose such sensitive information right away, even if he trusts Sylvie. “You’re sure?” Sylvie prompts gently. The signal is on the tip of his tongue. Aec crouches on the tiled floor, readying themself to act. Ace takes a deep breath, preparing himself. “Actually,” Aec’s nerves are tingling, their heart picking up the pace at the promise of a dramatic reveal. “Yeah?” Sylvie urges once more. “I’ve been avoiding them lately.” Ace finishes with a relieved sigh like he’d just let the biggest weight off of his chest. All the build-up in Aec crashes to a disappointed halt. “Why?” Sylvie feigns shock. “It’s hard to explain,” Ace confesses. It’s not much but it’s more than what Aec knew before at the very least. “Maybe you should try explaining anyway.” Aec isn’t sure if that’s the signal, in fact, they’re almost positive it isn’t but they find they don’t care, they move anyway, speaking up as they go. “Yeah, maybe you should, so I can fucking understand.” Immediately Ace is on his feet at the sound of Aec’s pissed-off voice and the sight of their equally pissed expression. “Aec! What—what are you—why are you—how long have you been here?” Sylvie heads for the door, locking it before Ace has the thought to leave. Silas almost comes into view, making himself as big and intimidating as he can to completely block the hallway. He doesn’t say anything and Ace can’t see him from where he’s standing. Aec crosses their arms, growing generously. “How long do you think?” It’s a rhetorical question with a heaping helping of sarcasm. When realization dawns on Ace, he looks accusingly at Sylvie, wordlessly asking if he planned this with them. Sylvie nods resignedly, leaning further back on the door. “So? Why have you been ignoring me?” Aec doesn’t let the conversation drag on or veer off-topic. Ace doesn’t say anything, too shell-shocked to speak. This only further aggravates Aec’s nerves. “Seriously?” Nothing to say? God, what the fuck is going on with you?” Aec lets their voice rise with the frustration and hurt bubbling over inside them. They don’t miss how Ace flinches slightly at the volume, his shoulders tensing up. He looks guilty now, staring at the floor with a forlorn gaze. When Ace shows he has nothing to say for himself and his actions, Aec prepares to shout once more but Sylvie recognizes the signal before Aec can follow through. “Aec,” he says calmly, if not paternally, “I know you’re upset and you have every right to be, but yelling at Ace won’t help. It’s not constructive.” In an instant, Aec feels hot with shame, their desire to shout curses at Ace now feeling like a capital offence. They back down like a properly scolded beast that was on the verge of attack. Sylvie, satisfied with the reaction, is glad he had the sense to quell Aec’s attack before it could start and do any lasting damage. He focuses on Ace from the door with a sympathetic look. “Now then,” Sylvie addresses Ace gently, still sounding paternal. Sylvie is the “mom friend” of the group, though “dad friend” might be more accurate. He usually shares the paternal roles with Ace, who could be considered the “mom friend”, but with Ace’s absence, Sylvie’s taken up both roles. “Is there anything you want to tell Aec? It’s clear they’re hurting right now.” Sylvie directs Ace like a teacher dealing with a silly dispute between grade-schoolers. It’s condescending but needed. Ace knots his hands together anxiously, unable to look up. He nods, it’s a promise to talk. Sylvie smiles encouragingly even though Ace isn’t looking. It takes time but Ace finally lifts his head and looks at Aec sorrowfully. “I’m sorry . . .” he whispers. An apology isn’t what Aec wants though. They want

an explanation, to know what happened, what they did. Aec grits their teeth, a glare forming. “Okay,” they spit carefully, “you’re sorry, great. But I need more than that. You just suddenly disappeared.” Aec keeps their voice level but doesn’t hide their anger. Ace doesn’t flinch like before, instead, his eyes start to water and his lip quivers. Normally, seeing Ace about to cry would immediately have Aec trying to comfort him but in this instance, Aec wants Ace to cry, to suffer because he should for all the grief he’s caused them. Ace quickly starts nodding, swiftly wiping his eyes before any tears spill. “You’re right—you’re ri—right. I’m—I’m sorry . . . I—I . . .” Ace’s stuttering words filled with remorse twinge at Aec’s heart, having them almost falter in their anger. Seeing how much this was also affecting Ace is eye-opening for Aec. They haven’t had a clue about how Ace was feeling about avoiding them. Ace tries to calm himself with simple breathing exercises and Aec patiently lets him, despite wanting answers immediately. It takes a few minutes before Ace looks composed enough to continue his thoughts, but he gets there all the same. He keeps his gaze low, still fidgeting with his hands. He finally opens his mouth to speak and Aec waits with bated breath, raw emotion bubbling under their skin. “Remember the last time we were together?” Aec nods, unable to figure out where Ace is going with this. The last time the two of them were together, it was a completely normal if not boring hangout. No lasting incident sticks out of Aec’s memory. The two of them had gone to see a movie and lunch. The movie was enjoyable, no masterpiece, but good. They’d gone to a small cafe for lunch. And ate pastries if Aec is remembering right. What happened that forced Ace to run away from them? “Remember how the cafe had a discreet little pride sticker?” Aec could vaguely picture it. They nod hesitantly, a sign for Ace to continue. “And how as we're were leaving, a few guys walked in talking about it, making homophobic comments and jokes?” This is news to Aec. Did that really happen? They don’t recall hearing anything like that. Truthfully though, Aec will admit they don’t notice the people around them when Ace is by their side. This is because no one matters more to Aec than their best friend, the unrequited love of their life for almost twelve years. Aec shakes their head, making their confusion on how that’s related to Ace avoiding them known. “No, I don’t remember that part, but why would some assholes being assholes make you run away from me?” Aec asks bluntly but with less fury in their voice than before. Ace pulls a dry smile like he’s disappointed but not surprised that Aec hasn’t figured it out yet. He finally lifts his head and looks at Sylvie. “I’m not going to run away, so can I talk to them alone?” he asks hopefully like it’s up to Sylvie to decide if he’s allowed privacy or not. Sylvie smiles and pushes himself off the door and walks past Ace with a soft pat on the shoulder. “Of course,” He disappears down the hallway, taking Silas with him, someone Ace hadn’t noticed was here. With Sylvie and Silas gone, everything suddenly feels so much more intense. Whatever it is Ace can only say to Aec alone it must be big because they both trust their friends almost as much as they trust each other. “So,” Aec says, “spit it out. What’s going on with you?” They step into the living room, wanting to be closer to Ace. They haven’t gotten this close to him for far too long. They find they’re not sure if they want to kiss Ace or hit him. It’s conflicting because on the one hand he’s severely hurt them and they’re rightfully furious, but on the other hand, Aec still loves Ace and they’ve missed their best friend beyond belief and to be in arms reach again is agonizing.

Ace doesn’t move despite Aec’s advance. That’s a good sign. He continues to fidget with his hands, staring at his shoes. Ace doesn’t answer the question right away, even though it looks like he’d been ready before when he asked Sylvie to leave. Instead, he chews on his lower lip and cheek restlessly. Aec doesn’t know what compels them, but they find they don’t fight the urge to let loose their deepest thoughts. “Alistair,” Aec says almost desperately. Ace stiffens at the full name treatment but doesn’t talk. “I don’t know what’s going on with you. You’re not talking to me at all. How can I help or—or fix anything if I don’t know what I did? What did I do?” They step even closer, every intention to make contact. Ace doesn’t move away at the threat of Aec touching him, he almost leans into it, which has Aec’s heart squeezing. Aec reaches out and places their hand on the side of Ace’s shoulder, the other reaching down and grabbing one of Ace’s hands, halting the fidgeting. Aec’s hand on Ace’s shoulder travels to Ace’s jaw, ducking their own head and finally catching Ace’s gaze. “Please,” they choke, hand squeezing Ace’s tightly, “just talk to me.” Aec’s voice wavers. They’re not someone who cries but right now their voice betrays them. And so is their heart. “. . . I love you.” What? Ace closes his eyes, starting to cry. Softly at first, but cries harder and harder with each second. He becomes incoherent, no longer talking, just sobbing Aec can only pull him into their arms, cradling his head in their shoulder, the other hand placed firmly on his back. Aec tries to decide what Ace could possibly mean by I love you and why it would tear Ace up to say it, why he’s crying so hard just saying it. They don’t ask for elaboration, not with Ace crying so hard. Aec merely holds Ace and waits for him to calm down and if they started humming softly the tune of a cherished childhood lullaby, well there’s no need to comment. Aec isn’t sure how long the two of them stood in Sylvie’s living room, Ace crying while they comfort him in their quiet way, but eventually, Ace calms down enough that Aec thinks they can finally continue talking. Aec leads the both of them over to the couch and sits Ace down before joining him. Ace is quickly wiping his eyes and nose ineffectively. “I’m sorry,” Ace whispers in a shaky voice. “What are you apologizing for now?” Aec asks, trying not to sound too rude. It’s an effort on their part. |Ace shakes his head, wiping his nose with the back of his once more, sniffling quietly. “For . . . for just—for everything . . . everything I’ve put you through lately.” Aec frowns, tilting their head. “You’ve already apologized for that. Stop,” they chastise Ace gently. Ace nods, wiping his eyes again as they continue to water. Aec reaches boldly for Ace’s free hand and grasps it tightly. Holding Ace’s hand like this is euphoric and Aec can feel all the fury in them just melting completely away, replaced with concern and joy at being so close to Ace again after so long apart. Aec catches gaze once more and holds it. “If you’re apologizing for everything, then are you also apologizing for saying you love me?” They don’t know where the courage to ask so clearly came from but Aec is grateful for it all the same. Ace shakes his head yes quickly, effectively shattering Aec’s heart with each shake. “Why?” Aec asks, their voice dropping to a whisper, threading to break as they feel their throat close up. “Because it’s wrong! I’m wrong! I shouldn’t feel this way.” Ace doesn’t shout but the intensity of his tone speaks volumes. Aec can feel themself getting swept up in the newfound intensity. “Why? Why shouldn't you? Why is it wrong?” Aec demands, feeling themself grow angrier and angrier. They’ve essentially been insulted by the most important person in their life. Why is it wrong of Ace to love them? Ace vigorously shakes his head, disagreeing despite nothing having been said to disagree with. Aec wants to scream, but they restrain themself, restricting themself to only talk in a

levelled tone. Shouting won’t help after all. “I’m supposed to like girls! Only girls! I can’t—I can’t be—I can’t be feeling this way about you. I just can’t.” Ace’s head falls into his hands, losing Aec’s grip. “That’s absolutely fucking ridiculous,” Aec deadpans, the intensely growing anger dying down to a simmer. Ace doesn’t react. So, Aec continues. “So What! So what if you don’t like girls? So what if you love me instead! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Just look at me. If there’s something wrong with you, well then, I’m fucked.” Aec gives a sarcastic laugh, a mirthless smile. Ace stays still, still not reacting. He’s always been aware of Aec’s lack of cishet-ness. They’ve been out about their identity since they were old enough to comprehend as much. Aec almost sighs in defeat at the clear sign of their words having no effect. “Alistair.” It’s the second time in such a short period that Aec has used Ace’s real name. It’s a testament to how serious Aec is right now. Ace finally lifts his head and stares with glossy, red-rimmed doe eyes, the very same that Aec fell impossibly in love with. “I love you.” Ace’s eyes somehow grow even wider and Aec can’t help the little smile on their face. They reach and cup Ace’s jaw once again. A gentle caress of their thumb along his skin. Aec doesn’t move in to kiss Ace, the blatant internalized homophobia telling them Ace isn’t ready for something like that no matter how much they may want to gently kiss his pain away. “And it breaks my heart to see you like this.” Aec drops their head, eyeing Ace’s hands in his lap, smiling in disbelief at what they just said, shocked at their capability to say such vulnerable words without fucking up. “To see you so upset, hating yourself for how you feel, you whom I love so much.” Aec doesn’t know where the confidence comes from, to continue being so sappy and vulnerable. They’d never talk like this with anyone other than Ace. To hear Aec like this is a privilege only Ace has.

Ace takes a deep, wavering breath and to Aec’s surprise, grabs their hand with his, squeezing tightly. “I don’t know what to do,” he whispers. It’s a clear cry for help that Aec vows to answer. They return the gesture, squeezing Ace’s hand before lifting their head. Aec tries to smile as big as they can. It’s not very wide, but their eyes say all that’s needed. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’ll always be here for you.” Aec leans in like they always do to comfort Ace, and gingerly kisses Ace’s forehead. Their lips linger just a second past pure comfort Ace and towards selfish desire on Aec’s part. They pull away when they gather their senses. They hold Ace’s gaze, conveying how serious they are with just a look, wanting Ace to know they mean every word. To Aec’s surprise again, Ace breaks into a quick sob, pushing his head down onto Aec’s shoulder. “What’s wrong?” They ask, bewildered now by Ace’s tears. Why would Aec comforting him like they always do make Ace cry again? The sobs turn into wet laughs, confusing Aec even further. “Just. Why are you so great? How can I—how can I not love you when you’re like this?” Oh. Aec can’t help the little smirk on their lips, the tensing from their shoulders relaxing. They pat Ace’s shoulder affectionately. “Jeez, you had me worried there.” Aec pulls Ace’s head away from their shoulder to look at him. Ace is laughing as he’s drying his eyes. To finally hear Ace's laugh is like finding an oasis in a desert and finally quenching an aching thirst with them. Aec just can't get enough of the melodic sound. As the moment passes and Ace quiets down, a tranquil silence falls over the two of them. They gaze into each other’s eyes in a very cheesy fashion. Now as much as Aec loves to stare at Ace’s face, they still have a few questions that need answering before they are satisfied. Aec sighs, breaking the moment, tilting their head to the side. “I still have a few questions,” they say, adopting their normal tone finally. Their naturally quiet, cold sort of tone of voice, even when they mean otherwise. Aec has to manually alter their tone to be more warm and approachable, even more so than most people would think, and they’ve been doing so since they said they love Ace. Ace immediately stiffens, his back straightening, shoulders rising. He nods as confidently as he can. “Okay,” Ace manages apprehensively. “Were you avoiding me because you were in denial?” Was running away from me your way of running away from yourself and your feelings?” It seems obvious as Aec asks, but they need absolute clarity from Ace anyway. He nods and that’s enough for them. “How long have you actually been feeling like this?” It’s not an important, necessary question, rather it’s a pretty invasive, probing question on Aec’s part. The thought of retracting their words comes too late and Ace is answering before Aec can say he doesn’t have to. Ace adverts his eyes to the floor, turning his head away. “A few months now, I think. It—it didn’t really sink in at first.” He chuckles wryly. “In fact, I was building the guts to talk to you about it. I was finally reaching a point where I thought maybe it was okay to feel like this but almost immediately after, I was reminded of the reason why I was struggling so much and why it’s wrong and I just couldn't handle it.” Ace flicks his eyes over to Aec warily, shamefully. “Or you.” Aec nods stonfeully. All the questions they had harboured all this time have finally been answered, some without them even asking outright. They thought once they knew why Ace was avoiding them, they’d feel better, but now that they’re here, Aec doesn’t feel as good as they thought they would. Maybe it’s because they’ve essentially been rejected? Ace did reject them right? “Where does this leave us then?” Aec asks, hiding the uncertainty and anxiety they’re feeling. Ace’s answer will make or break their relationship after all and from where Aec is standing, the odds aren’t in their favour. Ace fidgets, chewing his lip almost viciously. His eyes dart around the room frantically

like his brain is racing for an answer and the room will give it to him somehow. “Well,” he starts hesitantly, drawing Aec to the edge of their seat. They lean into the suspense. “I—I didn’t—I don’t know—I mean, uh, wh—where do you want u—us to—to be?” Ace quickly puts the responsibility on Aec, something not uncommon between the two of them in times like this. Aec pulls a frown with little hostility, making a face of really? before shaking their head. “Well if it were up to me,” Aec starts smoothly, “I’d want us to stay together. Friends or more. I love you too much to be apart from you.” They’re honest with their thoughts, cool as a cucumber on the surface despite their pulse racing in their ears and their stomach twisting into tight knots. Aec’s bold words have Ace very embarrassed, hiding his face in his hands. Aec can’t help but revel in the sight. Ace starts whining behind his cover and Aec notices that even the tops of his ears are flushed pink. Such a sight has Aec nearly swooning. Ace finally pulls his hands away when Aec pets his head gently. “It’s okay,” they say softly, making an effort to sound affectionate. Ace nods quickly like a small child agreeing with an adult without restraint, his chin quivering as his lips pull into a pout. Aec gratefully takes in the details of Ace’s red, pouting face, finding him absolutely adorable. “As much as I want to be with you, I won’t force my feelings on you if they make you uncomfortable. I don’t want to be with you if it makes you unhappy.” They’re big words and as Aec says them, they become acutely away that they’re not sure they have the conviction to stick to their word. Ace’s eyes grow impossibly wide, jaw going slack. He looks like he can’t believe what Aec is saying. “Wait—stop,” Ace says in a quiet wail. Aec does and shoots Ace a look of what? Ace starts shaking his head fervently. “I don’t want that,” he says as confidently as he can. Aec senses he’s not done, so they don’t ask for elaboration, they just wait patiently. “Aeson,” Aec startles Aec this time using their full name, causing a spike in their pulse. Ace grabs their hands in his. “I want to be with you. You make me happy and it killed me to be away from you, to not talk to you. I thought I was doing the right thing avoiding you, but I was wrong.” The sincerity in Ace’s words, the urgency in his eyes, the way he’s gripping their hands so tightly his skin is white, all of it has Aec wanting to cry in relief and utter joy. They could only nod, fearing if they spoke their voice would break. Seeing Aec’s reaction, Ace lets out the biggest sigh of relief. His whole torso sags forward, his forehead landing squarely on Aec’s stable shoulder. Ace laughs, a small laugh, sarcastic. “Why are we like this?” Aec shrugs under Ace, causing him to laugh once more. “I’m such an idiot. I should’ve just talked to you. Would’a saved us so much angst.” Aec can’t agree more. They reach up and pat Ace’s head, two distinct pats, then leaves their hand resting on the crown of his head softly. Such a gesture has Ace moving even closer to Aec, burrowing his face deeper into their shoulder. They’re both quiet for a second, reality sinking. Finally. They’ve reached an understanding and they’re together again. And Ae will be damned if they let that change any time soon.

#Space Aces #Romance #Original content #original characters #angst #lgbtqia #asexual character #pansexual character #original writing

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unproduciblesmackdown · 3 years

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which bmc scenes make you the softest bc for me it's gotta be most of the stagedorks scenes ESPECIALLY a guy that i'd kinda be into. mostly bc of christine cause her and michael are my favs (i love them all sm though) but also bc of jeremy because he is a close second to both of them. also vimh but vimh makes me cry a lot although nowadays i can hardly watch one scene without at the very least tearing up. anyways yeah which ones make you soft

i simply rewatched bmc and took notes for this and really got off track at points in the sense of sticking to What Makes You Softest but that’s how it goes babey

ACT ONE - in mts when jeremy is just having a whole moment being smitten in christine's presence while she's inelegantly picking herself up off the floor and smearing on lip balm and adjusting a skirt wedgie - jeremy and michael just being default that glad to meet each other in the middle of a random schoolday - michael hyping up jeremy's crush on christine and just encouraging this momentum to get jeremy to sign up for the play - ilpr.....that christine stops after like, the first two verses and goes back to her book b/c she doesn't figure someone's looking to listen to her beyond that but then she sees jeremy's still 110% paying attention and the whole rest of the song enfolds with increasing enthusiasm - jake doing that whole bit "all the pressure i feel to be the best at everything all the time" lmao classic stuff here, depressing content delivered in this humorousse way. charming moment - "leave me alone, i've had a bad day" - 2pg......when michael taps jeremy on the shoulder to get jeremy to join in on his choreo, which jeremy then does.....that michael asks if jeremy will be too cool for Video Games and jeremy just responds Emotionally Directly......we love the Favorite Person moment......that this song just ends with the two of them grooving 2gether god bless - jeremy stammering and Tics and Fidgeting when the squip remarks uponst it - jeremy delivering the Looking Pretty Sexy Brooke as awkwardly as possible and she's just like "thanks :)" - jeremy's own Theatricality coming out......hey hamlet - jeremy spinning around in place alternately addressing both brooke and the squip with "oh i'm supposed to meet my friend michael" - nice little detail wherein brooke signals for chloe to join in on her choreo - speaking of, v fond of the Moment jeremy is in on both their choreo......brooke sort of alarming jeremy with her whole attempted grande finale, straw and all, ft. the first instance of her messing with his hair so much she's just tugging his entire head around - cute that jake and rich have a sort of 2pg-esque handshake routine too - jeremy's "that's sad, what should i do" reaction re: jenna - rich's Earnest invitation to come over and play xbox... - "bonjour, jeremy" "ooh brooke!" and this whole exchange, her complimenting him, him laughing at "That Was French" and remembering to ask about pinkberry - love the whole choreo sequence/s in sync up, especially fond of his Moments with the girls, bumping hips with chloe (twice), hearing some Gossip from jenna, posing with brooke.... ;__; - the bowling alley performance art exchange before agtikbi ;____; - agtikbi......the glittery hearts choreo.....the whatever! the interlude or whatever!!! the I Guess A Part Of Me section hhhhoughhh ;o; ;o; ;o; ;o; ;o; that she pulls him into a hug and puts her head against his shoulder omggg ;_________; - brooke just trying to interact with jeremy the Right Way w/o any guidance on the bleachers and it continues to be awkward and funny....like comforting just his Leg while he converses w/his squip.....how she just ends up Physically pushing him around by the hands and head and shoulder and etc......whole situation here in upgrade.mp3 clearly less than Ideal but jeremy and brooke are nevertheless very cute individually And together - meanwhile jake also trying to genuinely Be With christine in upgrade is also charming lol, quitting archery to hang w/a girl like her.... - i always love when the Playful Shove brooke gives jeremy at "but at the mall, you looked at me" pushes him back a whole few steps....this moment of them truly Getting each other sans anyone else's interference.....tres magnifique - jeremy being That psyched to see michael for the first time (in like, less than one full day lol)....michael being That psyched just hearing that jeremy's cool scifi thing worked out after all - lgw ;_________________________; - like i'm some normal, handsome guy..... - giving us All that silence after "The Problem Has Always Been Me" - the whole bit where he launches into the "I'm Not The [series of insults]" and i've realized it's really especially a stretch to say i'm Soft for these moments in lgw but i Am vulnerable and that's its power. little 1" tall will roland on my screen here just made me shed a real tear doing That.....

ACT TWO - brooke's Howl at the end of her verse lmawooo - oughhh jeremy and brooke Greeting each other at the party too, jeremy unable to disappoint her and going for the Real Compliment, just v charming. rip - jake and jeremy's danceoff lol hell yes and then jake just having Misunderstood the costume plan between him and christine lol - the squip getting in on the dancing :) go you funky little ai - jeremy and brooke singing that last verse of Halloween v enthusiastically at each other, - again that jeremy is just genuinely glad to see michael.... - the inherent intimacy of singing mitb b/c your bff dumped you..... - AGTIKBI REPRISE..... ;______________________________; hhhhuouuuoh my god :'3 the lil detail that at the Height of things christine is Shy and turns away.....just. This Scene oh my god - soft in a vulnerable way like, rip to jenna where we're seeing chloe's Lack Of Enthusiasm in accepting a call from her :[ - the Shift at the start of the pants song :] - and the lil mitb reprise during said pants song lmao, also always having a great time w/this concept of "maybe this teen having a rough time needs some guidance from someone grown w/all that bonus maturity here" - i wish there was a way i could help everyone but i don't know how so i guess i'll just do theatre..... - jenna being Moved simply being asked for the first time ever How She Is u_u then her being like "....Okay!" lmfao jenna's great - just have to say in whatever context i'm v fond of pitiful children there at the end lmfao the bass kicks in like that and we're having a great time - the audience always having that response to "all the way to broadway" - jeremy going "you came to see me in the play? :)" like, that he's processing the significance of that in the middle of these Very Raised Stakes - i'm soft for will roland's vocal glitching mouth noises live every night!!! - jeremy like "ha! >:)" flipping his squip off after he's successfully Apologized lmfaoooo love him - but then having that real And I'm Stronger Than You Think I Am victory like :'| - that michael's been by like a ton btw during jeremy's probably somewhat concerning coma. also cherish the lil dance he does while they're celebrating mr. heere's bepantsedness - jake and jeremy sharing a Dab - and just the Popular Kids actively seeking him out to help re: christine b/c they just Want To Be Supportive.....very nice - this vimh interlude or whatever with christine and jeremy like jlsdfhh i think of this all the time - me and the voices in my head have made up our collective mind ;__; what do they say we should do ;______; and the Woohoo! ;_______________; - huoughh kiss and you KNOW especially the [jeremy spinning away in sheer enthusiasm] of 2.0 just KILLS THE MAN ;O; - jeremy not missing a beat despite the squip's interruption leeet's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - the more than survive na na na na na na na na na na na's but they're all So, and jeremy ending With everyone but also there with Himself and it's so Good and Everything Wants What Vimh Has!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hhrough ;0; - that jason does that spin at curtain call w/his excellent squip costume... - that in virtually any given curtain call when they get into line together there's that lil ritual of george smacking will's ass lmao love languages

i mean tl;dr quite Same in that like, most likely to inspire tearing up over something or other includes agtikbi reprise and vimh which is just like, again any finale wants what it has, and the I Guess A Part Of Me bit of the non-reprise agtikbi like Oof augh this is so cute, and lgw always Gets me, and while i was rewatching speaking of being soft and move-able i was also just continually struck with delight over various moments throughout, and noticing little details for the first time thank god. just Vulnerable the whole time

#anonymous #Great Ask thank you for sending it #bmc

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